#"Mental breakdown symptoms"

[onefite]

10 Common Symptoms of a Mental Breakdown

10 Common Symptoms of a Mental Breakdown Introduction Feeling overwhelmed or having a tough time coping? You’re not alone. Many of us go through periods where it feels like the world is crashing down around us. This state often signals a mental breakdown, a term that describes a period of intense mental distress. During this time, managing day-to-day tasks can feel impossible. By understanding…

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[woodlaflababab]

Aang, Psychology, and the Concept of “Running Away” (A Breakdown Of Aang's Trauma Responses)

So, one thing that always kind of threw me off about atla was Aang's ignoration and dismissiveness of the things that have happened to him and continue to happen to him. He never seemed to have any kind of trauma response (besides nightmares).

Recently I've realized that the ignoration is Aang's trauma response, and it runs pretty fucking deep. Aang shows a lot of trauma responses but they are not as noticeable because Aang is also ridiculously good at emotional regulation, to a toxic point imo, and probably due to his upbringing by monks.

Aang, as is pretty well covered by the show, has a problem with trying to 'run away’ from his problems. This steadily stops happening as much throughout Book 2 (though he is learning in Book 1), but what's interesting is, while his tendency to physically run away from problems ends, his tendency to emotionally run away increases.

We go from Book 1 in which Aang confides in Katara about the separation from the monks, to Book 2 in which Aang literally actively rejects attempts at comfort in favor of an emotional shut down, to Book 3 where, after the failed invasion, Aang immediately tries just about anything he can to avoid talking about it.

He's not necessarily 'running away’. He still owns up to his duty and is right on the ball when Zuko shows up to teach firebending. It is not the work he shies from, it is specifically talking about the failure. This is Aang's main trauma response. Before I delve deeper into that though, I want to talk about Aang's other trauma responses that get bypassed thanks to his ability to ignore them.

Quoting ‘What is Child Traumatic Stress’, “Traumatic reactions can include a variety of responses, including intense and ongoing emotional upset, depressive symptoms, anxiety, behavioral changes, difficulties with attention, academic difficulties, nightmares, physical symptoms such as difficulty sleeping and eating, and aches and pains, among others.”

Aang shows almost all of these at one point or another, and typically they show themselves when he finds himself incapable of mentally 'running away.’

Intense and Ongoing Emotional Upset: 

I'm mostly eyeing the avatar state episodes. His immediate reaction to traumatic events he is helpless to is explosive anger, but it fails to be ongoing because it is immediately followed by a shut down. 

- Aang on Zuko's boat. In this episode, while fighting with Zuko, Aang shows some pretty intense fear and his first (technically second) experience with the Avatar state is for survival and driven by fear (also, notably, a repeat experience of the same thing that caused the actual first experience). Yet, as soon as Aang is off of Zuko's boat, he's melancholy for a hot second and then turns on a dime and starts talking about the adventures they can go on. Avatar State -> Shut Down/dismissing or ignoring the problem.

- Aang at the Southern Air Temple. He starts off in deep obvious denial, like this kid is so obviously blocking. Then he sees Gyatso's body, goes into a rage and grief induced Avatar state, gets pulled out, can no longer use denial as his mental defense, and so once again turns to shut down. He's expressionless as he comes down, and when he's fully out he's just kind of tired and speaks with a soft almost toneless quality. He's admitting to the trauma and yet there's a numb resignation to it. He's not emotionally connecting with it. We see him after with Momo and Appa smiling and just being like “we gotta stick together :)”. That's not the appropriate response to admitting there's only three survivors of your home. Avatar State -> Shut down/dismissal

- Aang and General Fong. Aang experiences an extremely distressing and helpless situation while he watches Katara, one of two whole people in his life, be buried. He goes into a rage induced Avatar state, again, and then literally 'nope's out of the situation with help from Roku. And when he comes back, he shuts down. He doesn't react emotionally, he once again speaks in that soft, even, almost dead tone, apologizes, and dismisses the event. I mean, the way he addresses General Fong, the person who just caused this whole thing, is extremely chill, almost uncharacteristic. Just a simple, “you're out of your mind” with a tone that could make you think he was having a casual conversation with someone who just suggested eating cereal out of a cup. And then he's good! Momo comes back and he smiles and everything is all good again. Avatar State -> Shut down/dismissal.

- Then we have the desert, one of the few times Aang does not shut down immediately, but then it culminates in the Avatar State and he stays like that for a bit but once he comes down, his faces changes again, to what is almost resignation, like he's given up on being mad, which really, he has as we see later. And then the next episode and he's playing in some water, but as soon as Sokka brings up Appa, we see the face and tone that's now kind of familiar: soft, dead, dismissive. He's once again refusing to emotionally connect and is downplaying it. Avatar State -> shut down/dismissal.

Depressive Symptoms/Anxiety:

He shows fits of both, though these aren't as evident because, again, most of the time he's in an emotional block and ignoring the problems. But when he cannot ignore the absence of his lifelong companion, he has a long period of anger followed by a numb depressive state, he literally talks about giving up hope. He is entirely hopeless at this point.

And then when he cannot ignore the Day of Black Sun coming in a few days, his anxiety goes through the fucking roof. 

However, these don't last long and that'll connect to me talking about emotional regulation later.

Behavioral Changes:

Aang changes A Lot over the course of the series. Book 1 Aang is very distinct from Book 3 Aang (though we still see the core traits of him throughout). He becomes more hyper focused on doing his duty, tends to fall to the background when he can, generally takes on a much more somber demeanor.

Difficulties With Attention:

This one's not really huge. He has about the same amount of attention focus in Book 3 as he does Book 1, if not improvement.

Nightmares:

I don't think I have to explain this. Aang goes through multiple fits of nightmares.

Difficulties Sleeping or Eating:

Once again, I look to Nightmares and Daydreams, one of the few times Aang is unable to shut down or block. He cannot sleep for the life of him. I have plans to go back and pay attention to eating habits in Book 3 in order to potentially add onto this joke meta, but I would not be surprised if there were signs of a lowered appetite, even if the writers did not intend it.

Aches and Pains:

He doesn't ever complain about this but also like, would he? Even if he was experiencing them? Kid tried to fight people and fly through a storm while newly recovering from a lightning injury. Aang gives no shits.

Then the article also covers childhood PTSD diagnoses which I'd also like to go over real quick. “the child continues to re-experience the event through nightmares, flashbacks, or other symptoms for more than a month after the original experience; the child has what we call avoidance or numbing symptoms—he or she won’t think about the event, has memory lapses, or maybe feels numb in connection with the events—and the child has feelings of arousal, such as increased irritability, difficulty sleeping, or others.”

Most of these I just covered, but I think it's notable that numbness is also mentioned here, the exact symptoms I've been talking about. Avoidant, won't think about it, numb in connection.

And just to be sure that everyone is on board let me go through some other examples of Aang shutting down:

Katara brings up the 100 years and Aang immediately blocks that shit. It's literally too big for him to conceptualize, so he dismisses it as okay because he has a new friend now and moves on and doesn't think about it.

The Northern Air Temple. I think most people agree that the lesson in that episode was wrong. Aang had every right to be angry. There's nothing okay about taking over and destroying 100 year old artifacts of a nearly extinct culture. We see Aang react to this with a numbness. There's even a moment where he's just frozen and uncomprehending. “This place is unbelievable.” “Yeah. It's great isn't it?” “No, just unbelievable.” He reacts with anger later (notably when he feels like he can do something instead of being helpless), and then when he can no longer do anything, he once again just rejects any negative emotional turmoil in favor of that “it's fine” attitude and accepts what the people have done.

Then the desert, one of the few places we don't see him shut down immediately. Except, literally the next episode is all about Aang's hardest shut down yet.

There are other examples but I think you get the point. He does this A Lot.

Okay cool, so we've covered the denial and trauma responses part, but how does emotional regulation play into this?

I'm glad you asked.

So, when I was first considering Aang and this whole thing, I thought Aang exhibited emotional dysregulation, especially in regards to the Avatar State, but then I actually did some learning on emotional dysregulation and realized, actually, no, he doesn't. Emotional dysregulation is mostly characterized by emotional responses being out of proportion with the event, but I think we can all agree, pm every time he goes into the Avatar State, that emotional response is uh, rather warranted. Now, Aang does, in these moments, show the lack of control that can come with emotional dysregulation, but also like, who wouldn't.

Considering Aang's behavior outside of the Avatar State Outbursts, he's actually very good at emotional regulation. Scary good, in fact. Number One in the reasons I say this is everything I said above. The ability to shut down is often an active choice. Aang does not like who he is when he is upset and, outside the initial outburst, has a pretty firm grip on his emotions. He shows anger at times, but they are in appropriate places with more or less appropriate responses. 

The Desert stands out so much because Aang loses the control he normally has. This is where we see him lose his grip on himself and he spirals.

He rarely shows grief. During his lessons with the Guru he passes all the chakras with amazing ease because he legitimately is that good at controlling and managing emotions which, like I said at the very beginning, I attribute a lot of that to him being raised by monks. I mean, he's a 12 yr old who is skilled in meditation. I don't think it's a stretch to think the monks taught him other such things.

He doesn't react to small things that would normally piss people off. Examples include The Headband when he gives absolutely zero shits about the bully, and The Southern Raiders where he accepts Katara trying to steal Appa and doesn't react to Zuko mocking him and his culture. 

Aang also, paradoxically, can be pretty good at expressing emotions when he needs to. He's typically very emotionally intelligent, with the exception being pretty much any trauma. He will react to basic things in the moment and is unafraid to show frustration or anger or uncertainty, as long as it's Not connected to a thing he is distinctly Not thinking about.

And one of the most damning examples of his emotional regulation skill, that is actually the scene that started me thinking about all of this, is the scene with Koh the Face Stealer. 

That scene threw me off so much because I felt like it was incredibly out of character for Aang, this incredibly expressive kid, to be able to show no emotional reaction. It didn't make sense and for a long time I dismissed it as just, the writers thought it'd be cool so he did it. But of course, I can't let things lay, so I never really stopped thinking about it until I realized, in context of everything I've talked about before, it actually makes perfect sense.

Aang is emotionally expressive by choice. He has the ability to control his emotions and responses to a ridiculous degree. He knows how to be emotionally intelligent with basic things, where to express emotion and how to do it. 

(Of course, he's not perfect. There are plenty of times he acts out, the Bato episode being the first thing to come to mind, but even there, after just a few hours, he has wrestled with his jealousy and responds appropriately to guilt, he owns up to it. He does try to explain himself but when Sokka makes it clear he's not going to listen, Aang does not continue to press the point. He accepts Sokka's decision, does not lash out, and for once doesn't shut down or exhibit happiness soon after. He is sad and expresses it without shoving his emotions onto others. For a 12 yr old, this is fucking impressive.)

Aang was taught well by the monks, but the one thing they couldn't teach him was response to trauma, and that's where he falters, but that emotional regulation means he's not going to respond in a typical way. Instead, he turns to denial as his coping mechanism of choice and uses those skills he learned to achieve a workable state of being but through unhealthy use.

Where am I going with this? Idk. Nowhere really, I just wanted to talk about Aang and psychology tbqh.

Anyway, I will finish this up by a fun delve into Things He's Probably Going To End Up Suffering From:

Denial can lead to memory blocking, where it's more than just not thinking about it, the brain actively suppresses and alters memory to cope. Adult Aang's recollection of the Ozai year is probably not going to be super accurate. Would not be surprised if someone was like “hey remember that time you were almost executed by a town for your past live’s mistakes?” and Aang just went “No???” and legit has no recollection of any such thing.

Selective numbing will eventually turn into collective numbing. You can selectively numb for a temporary period of time (which is how people fall into the trap) but eventually your brain will start to numb everything, not just the bad things. At the very least teenage Aang absolutely goes through a period of dissociative complete numbness.

Speaking of dissociation, if you're not going to react to trauma the normal way, dissociation happens. It starts as a coping mechanism but like with numbing, it cannot remain controlled and will develop into something. Aang will have a dissociative disorder, I'm telling you. Which one? Idk, but I assure you, it'll be there. I'm leaning toward some basic depersonalization/derealization and/or OSDD type four where trauma and meditation accidentally mix for the worse.

So yeah, there you go, a breakdown of Aang, his trauma responses, his emotional intelligence, and the consequences of those two things put together.

I'm gonna be a nerd here and add shitty citations but this is mostly in case you're also a psych geek and want to read things.

“What Are the Dissociative Disorders”. International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation.

“Developmental trauma: Conceptual framework, associated risks and comorbidities, and evaluation and treatment”. National Library of Medicine.

“What is Child Traumatic Stress”. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

[makerofmadness]

Told ya I'm back to making incorrect fnaf quotes

Tagging @umbrarkzoo 'cus I know they like these dndnndnd

Golden Freddy: You were wise to seek help from the world's most deadly weapon.  Golden Freddy: It's me.

-

Puppet: So... what’s goin’ on?  Golden Freddy: You want the long version or the short version?  Puppet, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?  Golden Freddy: Shit’s fucked.  Puppet: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

-

Freddy, about William Afton: He's covered in blood again. Why is it that he's always covered in blood?  Chica: Well, it looks like it's his own blood this time.

-

Toy Freddy: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.  Toy Chica: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

-

Freddy: What do we think of Foxy?  *pause*  Bonnie: *sighs* Nice pal.  Chica: I think he's gay. 

-

Daycare Attendant: Gregory, can I ask you a question?  Gregory: Sure, anything.  Daycare Attendant: Why don't you go back to your own house and leave us alone?

-

William Afton: I wish I had more enemies.  Henry Emily: I’m sure you will someday, honey.

-

Michael Afton: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!  Ennard: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!  -

Toy Bonnie: Look, Mr. Night Guard, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and it's Monday.

(Jeremy's had enough already-)

-

Michael Afton: And now for a gay update with Fritz and Jeremy.  Fritz Smith: Getting gayer.  Michael Afton: Thank you, Fritz.

-

(pre-Springlocking)

William Afton: Yeah, well I've never died so how do I know that god is real.

-

Jeremy Fitzgerald (about Mangle): It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged. 

-

Roxy: Astrology is fun because i can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being a Gemini and not symptoms of mental illness.  Monty: Being a Gemini is a mental illness. That’s not hate it’s just a fact.

-

Henry Emily: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.  Michael Afton: Actually, Mr. Emily, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.

-

William Afton: How was your day, Michael?  Michael Afton: Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week at school.  William Afton: Oh? And what does that mean?  Michael Afton: It means I can't bully anyone for a whole week.

-

Michael Afton: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

-

Toy Freddy: Hey, do you know the password to the night guard’s computer?  Toy Bonnie: Fuck you, Freddy. Toy Freddy: Hey!!  Toy Bonnie: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyoufreddy." Toy Freddy: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe. 

-

Balloon Boy: I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have.

-

Elizabeth Afton: Look, daddy! It's the good Kush!  William Afton: It's the dollar store, how good can it be?

-

Jeremy Fitzgerald: I know we’re not exactly friends, but-  Puppet: What do you want?  Jeremy Fitzgerald: I've been stuck with Fritz for 2 weeks and they've been drinking all the soy sauce.  Jeremy Fitzgerald: Help.

-

Michael Afton: You can take away my rights, but can you take away my lefts?

-

Happy Frog, upon learning how Orville did a magic trick: So you’re not magic?  Orville: Well, not really.  Happy Frog: You’re just a liar.

-

Sun: You disgust me.  Gregory: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care.

[fearofahumanplanet]

Hi I'm the anon from https://at.tumblr.com/askaborderline/hey-looking-for-supportadvice-i-am-terrified/tlz1qbnadpq0

Could you elaborate more on what you said about it sounding like NPD?

Oh, hey!

Okay, well first off, said before but I'm going to reiterate here: I CANNOT and will not diagnose you, I am not a doctor, please just use this as a sort of guideline and general observations and please look into it yourself if you think this is something you may suffer from. (Just be careful - most medical sources are incredibly ableist and hateful towards NPD, it is possibly the most stigmatized mental disorder I can think of).

(Second off, I'm going to use the actual NPD diagnostic criteria as much as I can, but it's incredibly ableist and only focuses on outward behaviors and none of the internal feelings, so a lot of this will have to be anecdotal from experiences from me and many other people I've met w/ NPD)

"I am terrified that I'm going to slip up and not be perfect when I'm around others" This was the first thing that really got me, this is not actually an inherent BPD symptom by any means, this is actually the crux of NPD - the diagnostic criteria doesn't mention it, just goes on and on about "arrogance" or whatever, but I really desperately think it needs official re-definition, bc every person w/ NPD I've met (including myself) is struck with a constant, debilitating, endless need to be perfect and never be seen failing to anyone around them - it's really hard to live with, but yeah, that's what first made me think. I also get a lot of general paranoia and anxiety about it even when I'm not around others.

"when I accidentally seem like I'm not perfect I enter this horrible cycle of self-hate and I keep splitting on people after like "oh they're doing good things/is really good straight" to "they're not worth my effort" especially when I'm the one who slips up even though I need to be the one to be perfect" and this to me sounds like what a lot of us call a "narc crash" - in which you essentially are forced to confront the reality that you aren't perfect and/or you're running low on "supply" (admiration), and as such you tend to go through a lot of cognitive dissonance that leads to breakdowns and (often) anger at others or a need to withdraw or engage in reckless behaviors.

"I just have a general apathy towards being friends with anyone," This is another common thing I experience in social relationships and a lot of people w/ NPD do, to quote the diagnostic criteria "lacking empathy". We also tend to see relationships as rather transactional, often have "chosen people" that tend to get close more because of them being good sources of supply rather than because there's an emotional connection. (This is not a condemnation. People w/ low empathy can actively choose to still be kind and maintain relationships. It just hardly comes innately, in my experience. It definitely feels like work to me, it's just work I choose to put in).

"It's like I keep getting a high especially when complimented or validated (and this has caused me to attach and I have a new fp now and it's happened a LOT)" To quote the diagnostic criteria again, "requires excess admiration". (That supply I talked about). This is exactly how I experience receiving supply, it feels like a drug to me and can essentially keep me living. Without it, I quite literally do want to die - it's pretty wretched. BPD & NPD are also pretty common co-morbidities, so that early admiration often causes one to develop a FP and... yeah. There's also this thing that NPD circles usually call "relationship burnout", and this is definitely something I also experience, in which you essentially find it very hard to maintain relationships, because after the initial beginning stage of knowing someone new, I pretty much usually get bored of them and the apathy comes back anew.

"then a crash when I get insulted or I fuck up etc. (This causes splitting as well) and it's such extreme emotions that it's hard to manage" I point up to the narc crash again, bc this is exactly how it happens to me a lot of the time and when you have a BPD comorbid involved the emotions are even more intense.

So like I said, do not take this as diagnosis, I'm not a doctor, but I really do think it might be good for you to look into it and get a clearer idea of what's going on in your head, bc reading your ask really just felt like reading about an NPD experience, I thought I somehow ended up on the wrong blog.

I hope that clears some things up and I wish the best for you :)

[girldraki]

We Have A Canon URL Actually Masterpost

we are very annoying on here about the “alto clef multiple personalities” thing but we want you all to know we are discussing something that legitimately exists on mainsite, even if its presence consists of quite literally three tales and a bag of corn chips. details under the cut, including a bunch of direct pull quotes

preliminary notes:

if you don’t know what a system means in this context, it’s a word for “multiple people in one body“, best known in the context of dissociative identity disorder/did or formerly multiple personality disorder; a short explanation including most relevant terms we’ll be using can be found here

did specifically, since it’s relevant to clef’s plurality per the wiki and isn’t explained in detail in the last link, is a form of systemhood associated with trauma that involves maladaptive dissociative symptoms including amnesia (aka time loss) and depersonalization/derealization (dp/dr)

none of these are exactly unilaterally “good rep“, tbh, but they’re on the wiki and are therefore some degree of “official” canon

scp-4231

most popular of the tales to do this by far

portrayed with did: • francis is shown or described as experiencing dp/dr with increasing intensity throughout the skip (notably in the “december 2nd, 1998” and “document scp-4231-2-a” segments). • -b is verbally described in “the curious case of scp-4231-b” segment as having an unspecified dissociative condition. • their non-dpdr symptoms (switching, time loss as seen in the “greyhound” segment) imply a did diagnosis

The breakdown is fast and complete. He sits on the floor of the phone booth at a dingy greyhound station and sobs through a mixture of panic and grief, and then just like that the announcement for the next bus comes over the intercom and he switches back from one person to another. 

[...]

Francis stops crying so abruptly it hurts. Agent Ukulele stands. It's a moment that his brain blacks out of his memory. He walks out of the phone booth more bored than anything...

questionable/unclear intent regarding the delineation between clef and francis specifically in some places:

Certain traits about B become more solidified as time goes on, when he goes about adapting an entirely different personality to combat the trauma; the new B is eccentric, flamboyant, even bordering on inflammatory towards others. The deep mental distress and accompanying physical illness that keeps him bedridden in the two weeks immediately following his extraction from SCP-4231 disappear. The new B knows nothing, or, at least, appears to know very little about what has transpired to put him in this situation. He no longer inquiries about the child, or about A, or the town of North Access where he has lived all his life. The signs of body dysphoria stemming from the Montauk Procedure are either gone or deeply hidden.

vs (both from “the curious case of scp-4231-b”)

His radical transformation into a new personality appears to be less of a worsening of his dissociative condition and more of a transition into a being so blatantly disrespectful and infuriating that staff interaction results in only frustration.

classical revival

the earliest tale(s) to make clef a system and apparent inception of francis as a character in general, published in 2012

portrayed with apparent/functional did explained in-universe through the application of “outdated soviet combat conditioning memetics” to create constructed personas

• Francis Wojciechoski - b. 1967 - A graduate student who always seems to get the short end of the stick. A lover of music in all its forms: can play alto saxophone and ukulele. A reality-bender.

• Agent Ukulele – A constructed personality designed to both use and limit Francis’ powers. Essentially a cartoon character with limited characterization, used to destroy or subdue incredibly powerful entities.

• Alto Clef – A secondary constructed personality, designed to allow Francis to operate as a normal human being. Currently a field agent of the GOC.

despite the fantasy framing, this (kind of bizarrely) does seem to be an attempt to specifically portray did; clef is depicted having a severe dp/dr episode during upswing of disorder:

Clef sliced a man’s throat open with a razor, and subsequently came to the realization that he had no idea why he had a straight razor in the first place, or how he was still moving. Some part of him was dimly aware that there was significantly more lead and significantly less blood in his body than there normally was, and that this was a bad thing. His body was retreating, but this seemed to be a lot less important than observing all the pretty patterns on the floor and walls. The brief moment of realization faded away into the background. He was somewhere else, somewhere far away, watching the scene acted out around him from some mental Laz-E-Boy. Just faces on a screen. Like a movie. Like a cartoon.

“Holy shit! Did you see that guy? Just went and offed himself! I mean, my breath isn’t that bad!”

The commentary seemed just as natural as the violence on the screen. It passed in a blur, the voice taunting and cheering and jeering and laughing, the bodies dropping to the floor, the splashes of red. The world blurred together with runny watercolors.

the great site-87 bake sale (s&c plastics canon)

microaggression tbh

described as having “[reality bender status induced, secondary] psychosis”; practically speaking based on how they’re handled, seems to be mislabeled plurality?

Francis- or something very much like him- [...] Francis- or rather, the thing that looked like him- [...] Francis— no, Clef...

rep is kind of muddled because the author is visibly not doing this on purpose

Weiss, for her part, produced a syringe from her pocket, grabbed Clef by the shoulder, and jammed the needle into the largest vein she could find. The plunger went down, and a reality-restoring drug entered his bloodstream.

Francis Wojciechoski dropped his ukulele and hat, rubbing his shoulder and neck. "…couldn't you have done that earlier?"

[life-rewritten]

TRUE BEAUTY; TRUE SCARS VS FALSE MASKS

I'm actually surprised I have a new Korean drama to fall for before the end of the year. After testing out what's available, True Beauty feels like the one for me. I was going to watch it regardless of if it made me analyse because it's directed by Extraordinary You PD. I love how he shows the plot of his shows, his romances are always soft yet angsty, and they make you feel so many emotions whilst laughing and smiling and perhaps swooning over certain second leads and protagonists. After Start-Up I swore of love triangles, and yet True Beauty comes with just that, yet I'm having so much fun watching this show for the past 3 weeks, and it's been a ride. It's precisely what the title says it's focused on True Beauty. The actual meaning of beauty and perspectives on what is truly beautiful and what's not, the psychological trauma of being someone perceived as not socially pleasing to the world, and being forced to hide to survive the harsh environment. It's an emotional look into another teenage drama, full of angst, romance, self-love, and self-acceptance. I'm enjoying it a lot, and my heart has been tugged at each episode, so I'm not saying True Beauty is my full focus, but I have spoken about it here, and from episode 5 and 6, I somehow have a lot to say.  So let's get into it

True Scars vs False Masks

True Beauty episode 5 and 6 focus on the effect of PTSD and trauma symptoms which each of our main characters have to go through. Apart from Seojun, who has his own frustrations and pains connected to the overarching plot, but not as pronounced as these three.

Kyung, Suho and Soojin are triggered by certain parts of their memories, making them afraid, broken down, and self-hating. The first thing to mention when focusing on Kyung's ideology of true beauty. Kyung may think that being seen as beautiful is the only way to make her self survive her own past traumas, but the two perceived beautiful people who are praised and known for having everything by their peers,  are just as scared, suffering and hurt by the world as she is. All by the cruelty and insensitiveness of different people in their lives.

Ju Kyung: The mask of Beauty

Kyung is forced to relieve yet again her trauma as a bully victim when she bumps into the girl. The very bully that caused her to finally break down and wear her mask for protection. One thing to notice in episode 5/6  as she takes care of Seojuns sister; she realised that wearing a mask isn't the right way to live comfortably and she questions why she can't have the same confidence and inspiration in her self to be brave.  Which is what people would quickly want to say about her situation, just love your self, only trust your self, just be your self. Still, as we've seen from the past episodes, the reason is that when her mask is uncovered, and she's her true self, her past comes to find her and the people who cruelly lowered her down to nothing before their eyes, who proceeded to hurt and abuse her because of how she looks. The girl who likes to emotionally have control over Kyung's self-esteem like a leash she can't escape from,  people like her that can't stand to see Kyung be happy with her skin,  is why it's even more painful when Suho tells her that he's doing all he does for her as pity it's heart-breaking. It makes her feel even more inferior because she's being a burden to the guy, she's come to have feelings for, and it's still because of her looks in a way. Because he's the first person who knows her real face under her mask of makeup.

It’s not just the bullies that do this to her, that make her feel so ashamed and guilty for wanting to just be her self. People who she’s close to, her ex best friend betrayed her because of this issue, (to avoid being bullied) and her mother is harsh and cruel beyond words, always breaking her self esteem, ignoring her child’s plight when she could actually be of help to her, and mocking her every time just cause she isn’t smart. Her mother proceeds to not understand the real trauma in her daughter’s life, not even knowing or taking it seriously that there was a time where Kyung almost gave up everything and took her life, just because of how exhausted she was by what society was making her think about her true self. 

When Suho said that I was so agitated and disappointed. When cruel and forced to wear his own mask of coldness, Suho can be harsh and ruthless. However, it still felt problematic to me because he knows how sensitive Kyung is about her looks, how much she suffered because of it, he's the one who saw her almost choose to take her own life because of it and he's also seen her try desperate attempts to avoid it. To cruelly say it's because of pity that he's been doing all he did by her side and she's being a bother; it's upsetting and just annoying. I'm annoyed that he still refuses to communicate with her properly about it, tell her it's not because of pity and she's not a problem.

To come to her house/ accept her mother's invitation and act like he's not told her she's a burden is just upsetting and it's exhausting because she doesn't want to keep on feeling like she owes him because he's hiding her secret about her looks. It's also sad because you realise that it must have broken her heart more because when she felt she had someone on her team who saw her without her mask and chose to be there for her, help her and understand her, this same person threw her away saying she was a weight to him. When she finally felt she was able to be herself and like her self without her mask, she deserved to be free without making up, especially his last words to her before he switched himself off, was that she was beautiful without makeup. That one quote, that one stance, and one act of support for her meant everything. Yet her one source of defence and her foundation to bounce back from her worries and fears rejected her and told her she wasn't important; her presence was upsetting him.

Again Kyung is forced to think that what she needs to do to survive is to be beautiful to wear her mask; it's the only way she will be accepted. That's what Suho harsh words did to her, and despite that, she still ran to him to be his defence and protection. They both do the same thing for each other; if you notice Suho protects her always when she's at her worst broken down and without her mask of beauty. Suho is protected by her finding him and literally shielding him with her warmth and comfort letting him know he's not alone and he's understood.

Suho: The mask of Coldness

Before I focus on their dynamic though back to masks and scars. The reason why Kyung runs to Suho is where the plot for his PTSD symptoms comes in. Suho without the act is also broken, guilty and tired of people refusing to listen to him. His issue is that whilst people see his richness and privileges as a positive for him, they're his source of guilt and pain. His mask is to push people off and not expect or trust things with people, because of this he's seen as the guy who's unreachable in a good way, attractive and has it all and everyone wants his attention and needs to beg for it. His mask works for him, so he doesn't seem vulnerable, and he doesn't let people easily break him.

But we know he's exceptionally vulnerable because of the guilt of Seyeon having symptoms of PTSD, panic attacks, broken and self-hating. The cruelness of the world isn't attacking him like Kyung, but it's using him as a tool to hurt others well that's what he believes anyway. His dad is powerful and intense and leads to people feeling broken as Seyeon, and they take drastic measures to end it. The school praises him and lets him get away with stuff if he gets in a scuffle but they hurt others more harshly just by looking at their background and status, they did this to Seojun when they got in a fight in episode 4.

No matter what happened, Suho has never been able to get away from the price that came with his reputation and status. It cost him so much at the end it made him lose his closest friend, and it made him lose himself to the guilt of not being able to be the person everyone wanted him to be for not being able to reach that 'divine'' Suho reputation people give him.

For him, being with him hurts people, and so he pushes Kyung away harshly and wears a mask of coldness and harshness to prevent people wanting or expecting things from him and to make sure he wallows in his guilt alone. Without his mask, Suho is just a boy lost, frightened and traumatised. He's broken by what's happened, and with Kyung not only does she help him, but she also does when they first meet.

 She unintentionally provides him with a way to speak out his feelings and save her the way he couldn't do to his friend, but also she's there for him even during times she shouldn't be; she runs and finds him, she lets him cry and breakdown, and she understands him with a few words. She knows what it's like to be afraid and broken, and she knows why it's like to feel like no one understands your pain.

Both she and Suho understand each other because they've been hurt and exhausted each time something from the past comes to remind them of the guilt of being who they are and wallowing in self-hate and disgust. It's so heartbreaking, but they both run to each other time and time again at their most needed moment.

Soo Jin: The mask of Strength

Someone else with the same issues that also proves to Kyung that the beauty she craves/ the reputation to be seen as having it all isn't great; is Soo Jin. Whilst on the surface she’s incredible, she’s powerful, fights for everyone, protects Kyung like a knight in shining armour, is protective of all her friends, uses her strengths to help others, and ensure people aren’t looked down on, or broken down. 

Soo-Jin is also put into the same situation as Kyung and Suho, she's also broken down mentally, physically and emotionally. She's had her self esteem be destroyed repeatedly; for never getting to the top except she is always on top. She's the girl who has everything, like Suho her mask is the girl who has everything sorted, she's kind but harsh to the right people, she's protective because she doesn't like bullies and cruelty. She's intelligent and also beautiful naturally as Kyung puts it.

Still, her mask of strength is unveiled when you realise she's forced to put up with a bigger bully her own father, he's cruel, abusive and degrades her by physical violence. It's heart-breaking. To have the control, she repeatedly tries to wash her hands clean to the point they're raw and dry when she stressed and terrified. When she's broken and scared, she tries to restart again, washes her hands clean and starts again making her self anew, making her mind anew, and becoming stronger. 

Her washing her hands mindlessly is the only time we see her without her mask, and no one can see her scars on the apparent parts they're hidden on her hands dry and cracked and easily misunderstood as dryness or mistake. Easily the part of the body that's not noticed at first.

Cruelty, Scars and Trauma

That's the thing with scars in this show and PTSD.  Kyung's mask covers up the acne scars that people have hurt her because of.  Yet now those scars are actively hidden under her makeup and guise of beauty, she has those external scars but also mental scars about how she looks she's been forced to a mindset where seeing her self in the mirror automatically gives her shivers, makes her terrified and go into self-hating phase. She's been forced to hide who she truly is because that was taken away from her by bullies because of her looks.' it just sucks and hurts.

Suho's mask covers his internal scars and burdens placed on him, you won't think he's broken or hurting from his past because his mask of coldness which makes everyone think he uses the status and reputation for his strength instead of loathing it. Suho's internal scars have made him become someone who's closed off, distrustful and harsh sometimes and no one understands it, they take it the wrong way, staying away from him. For example Seojun it's Suho's mask that made him think Suho was despicable and felt guiltless when in reality every single word SeoJun said to Suho about wanting him to never be happy until after he dies, about making sure he never has a good time because of Seoyeon just drives deeper with that self-hate. Disgust, Suho has for himself; it's like Seojun keeps repeatedly stabbing his wounds all over again. When he appears the issues increase even more if you've noticed, Suho's symptoms of PTSD increased because Seojun had started to actively make him go back to feeling guilty and remind him of the choice he made to push people away. Seojun playing a role in this is so upsetting, and it's made it hard for me to like his character as much as I did before.

The masks may cover up their scars in their minds and to others, but it won't make them free the way they want to be. These characters break my heart and have been through so much.

I'm loving this show. I think it gets better and more painful each episode, but it has the light moments, it touches your heart, and it makes you smile and cry so much. The romance between Suho and Kyung is also precious despite certain pauses in their growth because of their masks and miscommunications. However, the fact that they're each other's refuge to be free without their masks, to breath and to see each other the way others can't it's beautiful. Seojun's feelings for Kyung are also growing. I'm torn because I like his moments so much but thinking about emotional torment and pain he causes Suho, especially in these episodes isn't my cup of tea. Kyung sees him as a sibling right now, and I wonder if that's all she's ever goanna accept him as I actually want him and Soojin to be together at the end and Soojin is slowly getting into her role of second lead for Suho. I hope they don't use her hurt as a way to make her a villain. That's be sick if she breaks down because Suho likes Kyung not her like no let's avoid this storyline.

[stellar-lune]

She-Ra Incorrect Quotes (List)

Feel free to use these for anything!

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Sea Hawk: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée".

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Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent.

Frosta: I choose to waive that right!

Frosta: *screaming*

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Mermista: My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

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Adora: Does anyone know how to relax? Asking for a friend.

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Adora: I would never say that my girlfriend is a bitch and I don’t like her. That’s not true… Catra is a bitch and I like her so much!

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Bow: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.

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Entrapta: You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time.

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Catra: So you like cats?

Adora: Yeah.

Catra: *tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table*

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Bow: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Adora: Mine just says "Adora no."

Bow: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

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Entrapta: Yo! I heard you like reptiles, got any fun facts?

Double Trouble: If a crocodile eats your dad, they become your new dad.

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Angella: Why are you like this??

Shadow Weaver: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since.

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Kidnapper: We have your child

Mermista: I don’t have a child?

Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?

Mermista: Oh god, you have Sea Hawk.

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Double Trouble: What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you.

Mermista: Being a fish.

Double Trouble: Well, shit.

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Scorpia: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!

Catra: That doesn't exist.

Scorpia: Not with that attitude.

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Shadow Weaver: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.

Adora: Those are wanted posters!

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Spinnerella: Netossa annoyed me today, so I told her that I can’t wait to see what she has planned for our special day tomorrow.

Glimmer: There is nothing special about tomorrow.

Spinnerella: But there is something special about watching the color leave her face as panic takes over.

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Adora: Scorpia-

Scorpia: *sighs* Catra used to call me Scorpia...

Adora: ...Because it's your fucking name.

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Sea Hawk: I need to dye my hair.

Mermista: ...

Sea Hawk: Or get another tattoo.

Mermista: ...

Sea Hawk: Or a new piercing.

Mermista: Why?

Sea Hawk: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.

[asocial-inkblot]

"I don't understand why people think Azula has schizophrenia." Because it is the only way to explain the symptoms of comics!Azula's mental illness & her resulting behavior. For I personally thought she had a stress induced nervous breakdown before reading the comics, which are sadly canon no matter how much we complain about it until Bryke say otherwise.

You're completely right, Anon. There is no evidence in the original series that Azula's behavior near the end of the series was caused by a schizo-type illness (there are multiple). We saw, at most, one psychotic episode over a prolonged period of days to weeks. The pages of the comics don't even deserve to wipe someone's butt, and took the events from a few episodes during an intensely nerve-wracking period for Azula, to mean that she's cuckoo-loco Lady Macmeth. If these so-called fans really want to armchair diagnose her that badly, they should at least pay attention to the flaws we actually see her have throughout the series. In no particular order:

1. Perfectionism: This can be a symptom of OCD and low self-esteem.

2. Lack of directness with those closest to her when wanting something from them: This can be caused by a hidden anxiety around direct conflict or a desperate desire to acquire a necessity, but not wanting to come across as overly demanding because you were taught to never ask for or expect anything.

3. Going above and beyond for a family member you don't owe jack to, all things considered: This can be caused by a sense of unquestioning obligation to your family because you're hopelessly attached to them in some way, or think one of them in particular may eventually come to appreciate you if you give that person everything he/she has ever wanted on a golden plate and don't even ask for a coin back.

4. Admitting one of your deepest insecurities and agreeing with the idea that you may have been unworthy of love even from one of the few people who should have loved you unconditionally, in front of peers who aren't even trying to sympathize with each other or you: A sign of abandonment trauma and seriously wanting someone to converse with about your hardships but knowing at your core, or believing, that you have no one, or just not wanting to come across as weak because you've been conditioned to try and avoid feeling or letting your emotions control you, by your family, culture, society, etc.

5. Smiling when something terrible happens to a sibling or "mocking" them while warning that their life is in danger: Easily due to being young/mentally underdeveloped and not fully aware enough of your surroundings and circumstances yet to understand the severity of the situations. It could also be that the child has put on a front to defend itself from harm by proxy even when clearly alert and afraid, and maybe has convinced him/herself that this is how s/he truly feels or should feel. (Or two very biased people are imagining her doing some things she didn't quite do.)

6. Killing someone during battle as soon as the opportunity presented itself without a second thought: A sign that a child soldier has been so perfectly groomed for war, to the point that killing a (power-charging) enemy and watching their lifeless body fall to the ground, is seen as just another day in their life and not something to consider for long. (It should also be noted that she was defending herself and her brother and fulfilling her nation's most yearned for wish, and that the enemies (who just so happen to be mains) she (and Zuko) were fighting, were fighting hard. It was Aang or her.)

Btw I didn't make that original comment/quote, but I did agree with it and the rest of that post.

[quismetarc]

𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞   𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐧𝐧:   𝐚   𝐩𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥   𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐬

before reading this,  please keep in mind that by no means am i a medical professional trained in any sort of mental diagnoses.   these are all extrapolations and just because i personally love doing deep dives in a character’s psyche.   while i do have a science background,  it is not in psychology,  so this is based off very minimal psychology courses,  research and personal hypothesis.   below you will find a breakdown of what i perceive to be the psychological profile of love quinn,  both as per my portrayal of her and what i reference from the show.   for the sake of this not being many many pages long,  this has been narrowed down to what i think are some of the most important disorders to note and have been simplified drastically.

ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER

love has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD).   this is what is commonly referred to as psychopathy or sociopathy.   in order to be diagnosed with ASPD,  three or more of the criteria must be met past the age of 15.   below is the list of traits taken from the DSM-5, highlighted are the five love meets:

deceitfulness is one that can be argued,  because love tends to lie in order to cover any crimes or mistakes she’s made.   it doesn’t necessarily fall into the purpose of conning or personal profit or pleasure.   but i’ve highlighted it to make note that love can be incredibly deceitful and is a tactical liar.   it’s been said time and time again,  especially in season 3 that love quinn is impulsive.   every act of aggression she has shown has resulted in death because of how impulsive she can be.   this ties hand in hand with reckless disregard for safety of self or others.   while we see a brief moment where love seems to show remorse when it comes to gil’s death,  i think that primarily stems from the fact that her plans hadn’t panned out how she had expected them too.   i view every moment where love seems emotional about a death (i.e natalie and gil) to be a direct result of fear for herself and safety rather than remorse for her victim.   below is an excerpt from the DSM outlining the lack of remorse with examples that i think are appropriate for love:

they may be indifferent to, or provide a superficial rationalization for, having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from someone (e.g., 'Tife's unfair," "losers deserve to lose"). These individuals may blame the victims for being foolish, helpless, or deserving their fate (e.g., "he had it coming anyway"); they may minimize the harmful consequences of their actions; or they may simply indicate complete indifference.

a key note that the DSM makes is that “the occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.”   i will touch on love’s bipolar disorder,  but i don’t think any of her acts of aggression and violence were during any manic episodes.   they instead stemmed from impulsiveness and irritability.

to avoid rambling too much there are a few quotes in the DSM i’d like to highlight:

Biological relatives of individuals with this disorder are also at increased risk for somatic symptom disorder and substance use disorders:   in relation to forty’s substance abuse

There has been some concern that antisocial personality disorder may be underdiagnosed in females:   i think love was diagnosed with BP but never ASPD because of this

Child abuse or neglect, unstable or erratic parenting, or inconsistent parental discipline may increase the likelihood that conduct disorder will evolve into antisocial personality disorder:   see the treatment of love by dottie and ray quinn,  primarily dottie

while we know that love is a psychopath,  psychopathy isn’t explicitly defined in the DSM and instead has been proposed as a specifier under ASPD,  so that should be kept in mind.   i will separately post how i think love fares on the PCL-R (Psychopathy Checklist Revised) separately.

to note,  antisocial personality disorder cannot be diagnosed without a diagnosis of conduct disorder before age fifteen.

CONDUCT DISORDER

conduct disorder is broken into four categories:   aggression to people and animals,  destruction of property,  deceitfulness or theft,  serious violations of rules.   at the age of thirteen was when love had killed forty’s au pair,  which points to aggression to people and animals.   at least three of fifteen criteria must be met to be diagnosed with conduct disorder,  and i will only be highlighting the ones i believe she meets:

Has used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g., a bat, brick, broken bottle, knife, gun):   love had used a knife to kill sofia

Often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid obligations (i.e., “cons” others):   as a child,  i think this was more prominent with love.   she would call them her white lies,  twisting the truth in order to get what she wanted.   i.e manipulating / gaslighting other people

i don’t think love would entirely meet the criteria for conduct disorder at first,  especially because it requires repetitive behaviour and only one major event would fall into the conduct disorder category.   but i do think this would be something noted in her profile and later re-examined when diagnosing ASPD.  in this examination,  the last criteria would be brought into play,  bringing her to a total of three out of fifteen:

Has run away from home overnight at least twice while living in the parental or parental surrogate home, or once without returning for a lengthy period:   i do think love has run away from home,  likely with forty when home got a little too much to handle.   however,  i do think this is something that would be disregarded as typical prepubescent teen behaviour and not noted until further examination of her profile

once again,  i don’t think conduct disorder entirely fits for love,  but there is evidence of conduct disorder which is what leads to the diagnosis of ASPD.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

there is a slight reference by dottie to the fact that love has borderline personality disorder in season 3,  and for this reason i think that love does already take medications to treat her BPD.   that also means we don’t entirely have a full picture of the extent of love’s BPD.

similarly to ASPD,  BPD also has a set number of criteria that must be met in order to be diagnosed.   highlighted below are the following that i believe love exhibits:

going through this one at at a time below:

love clearly has a problem with abandonment,  and i think this stems from her attachment to forty.   she’s had multiple scares where she’s thought that she would lose her brother,  and a part of her fears come from that.   we see her frantic effort to avoid abandonment with how desperately she keeps joe around.   even more so,  when she had told joe about her paralyzing james,  it wasn’t to kill him.   it was to convince him to stay with her despite it all.

i think both love and joe do this.   it’s very clear that all of love’s personal relationships are incredibly intense,  seen with joe and forty primarily.   the idealization of these relationships is what leads to her intense connections.   and i think,  if time had permit,  she would have ended up devaluing her relationship with joe when he turned more and more into a man she didn’t want. 

i’ve touched on love’s impulsivity more than once,  so i think it’s self explanatory at this point.

i think that love lacks a sense of self.   she has grown so used to molding herself to become what everyone would like that she doesn’t have a real version of herself to fall back to and this results in this unstable sense of self.  as per the DSM:  There may be sudden changes in opinions and plans about career, sexual identity, values, and types of friends.   i think this is very clearly seen with the shift in love’s friend groups,  and her going from an independent woman to a very motherly,  homely figure in season three.

both her reactivity of mood and her inappropriate,  intense bursts of anger are seen time and time again in season 3 when she suddenly snaps.   like a boiling kettle,  she seems to blow in a second’s time.  “the anger is often elicited when a caregiver or lover is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning”   which is often the case when love snaps due to joe.

note this excerpt from the DSM that adequately explains love and how she develops her intense interpersonal relationships (point two):

They may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship.

a common co-occuring disorder is bipolar disorder,  which i believe love has shown signs of as well but will not be touched on in this post.

lastly,  to note:   “borderline personality disorder is diagnosed predominantly (about 75%) in females.”

to wrap this up,   once again,   i am not a professional and this is not an actual diagnosis.   all my information is taken from the DSM-5 and a few quick searches online,  very basic very bare bones.   i will reiterate time and time again,  that mental illness doesn’t make a murderer.   at the very least,  not the mental illness we talk about in terms of everyday society and mental health.   but a murderer’s psyche is not of the norm so this is an exploration as to how she would possibly be diagnosed if given the chance.

[theflannelwizard]

Miss Simian teaches the Special Accommodations class

First off, I would like to say that I am neurodivergent, and most of these headcanons are based off my own experiences. If I do accidentally phrase something in a way that offends you, please let me know so I can fix it! Thanks to @onceuponymous to chatting with me about this before I posted it! I will also say that TAWOG is my current hyper fixation, so this might end up being a rather long post! I’ll try to use bold and italics so my fellow neurodivergent fans have an easier time reading it if they want to :)

I think Miss Simian’s class is full of the neurodivergent kids in Elmore Jr. High. This would explain why Darwin and Gumball are in the same class, despite being two years apart in age, and why they are so blind to the rest of the school. They have their routine and their class, and they are purposefully on a separate schedule than the other students. This would also explain why Gumball and Darwin are so frequently sent to the guidance counselor for their outbursts instead of to the principal.

Almost all if not all of the students in her class exhibit common symptoms of neurodivergence, including (but not limited to) having trouble communicating, hyper fixating or having special interests, masking or feeling like the world won't like, understand, or accept them if they don’t put on a persona, fidgeting or stimming, having trouble with focus, expressing emotion intensely or in unique ways, and either adhering to a strict schedule or behaving impulsively.

Let’s start with trouble communicating. This is an obvious and easy one- almost none of Gumball’s classmates communicate in a neurotypical fashion. Juke and William have extreme trouble communicating verbally, and although Juke realizes this, he keeps trying but is unable to “switch” himself to an easily understood language. William doesn’t even realize he is unheard until Gumball declares he is silent.  Banana Joe, Bobert, Sussie, and Jamie all speak in special dialects or patterns that are understandable but set them apart from what would be considered “normal.” Jamie’s is the least obvious, but I would argue that her reliance on threats, often delivered using the same formula, is a unique speech pattern that could have developed in part due to her parentage/home life and in part due to trouble communicating. Gumball has no problem with speaking in an understandable way, but he does have trouble expressing his emotions- he either locks them down or goes over the top with grand declarations and gestures. Likewise, Darwin is able to express himself rather clearly, but he canonically has trouble “learning facial expressions” and is often blind to sarcasm and manipulation, as are many of his classmates. Some students are on the end of the spectrum where they may not have trouble speaking, but they do have trouble reading social cues. For example, Molly is eager to talk to her friends, but can’t always tell whether they are engaged with her stories and doesn’t know when to stop talking. Sarah doesn’t have a clear understanding of boundaries, and neither do Tobias, Sussie, Banana Joe, Teri, Tina, Clayton, Ocho, Gumball, or Alan (despite having good intentions, he often fails to set boundaries for himself, and that’s just as important to notice as those who intrude or don’t understand boundaries for others). In fact, I would argue the entire class has, at some point, shown that they have trouble setting or anticipating healthy boundaries. Once boundaries have been clearly set, they usually are able and willing to respect them, but they can’t always tell on their own what another person is okay with.

Now for hyper fixations and special interests. I would say Teri is one of the most obvious here, with her extensive knowledge of germs and cleanliness. She’s more than just a germaphobe, she has studied hygiene and is obsessive to a point of rarely talking about anything else. Alan could likely be fixated on activism or the general concept of goodness, working overtime to make himself into the most helpful and positive person he can be. Sarah’s fangirl persona goes hand in hand with a fixation on comics, anime, and/or manga. I would even say Carrie’s intense dedication to goth/emo culture could be considered a special interest, and Leslie has a similar relationship to fashion, beauty, and the (heavily coded) LGBT community. Tobias’ obsession with video games has canonically gotten so intense that he neglected basic needs such as sleep- a classic example of hyper fixation. 

As far as masking and persona goes, many of the points I’m about to make could be seen as simple stereotyping to make the characters distinct. I choose to interpret it differently. Gumball, Penny, Tobias, Carrie, Masami, Tina, Clayton, and Ocho have all had arcs or significant moments where they were either revealed to have interests or personality traits that were in direct contrast with their outward persona or revealed to think people wouldn’t like “the real them” as much as the act they put on. For example, Penny was terrified to come out of her shell, Tina doesn’t intend to be a bully but comes off as one due to her menacing mask (for self protection, perhaps, so she doesn’t get bullied herself?), and Ocho admits he has trust issues due to being used for his uncles and not respected unless he puts on an intense and aggressive front. Other students build their identities around a single aspect of themself, either something that they find important or something that they expect will be liked or respected. Tobias, Leslie, Carrie, Alan, Jamie, Tina, Idaho, Sarah, Bobert, Banana Joe, and Masami fall easily into stereotypes and seem to be glad to do so. Clayton goes so far as to commit identity theft simply so no one will see his true self and dislike him. Clayton’s compulsive lying is also a symptom of ADHD.

I’m not going to write a whole paragraph on fidgeting/stimming and focus, because I don’t think there’s too much to analyze or dissect there, but if you go back and watch any episode, you’ll likely notice that many of the characters are easily distracted and/or have unique body movements, postures, or phrases that they tend to repeat. I also think impulsivity and routine is so important to the plot that it doesn’t need to be discussed, but was worth a brief mention.

Let’s talk about emotions! Gumball has the classic neurodivergent experience of either bottling up his emotions with no idea how to express them or going over the top with grand declarations and gestures. He feels things very intensely, as shown by his often dramatic reactions, but isn’t always sure how to process or express them. Darwin is always on one extreme of that scale, with no filter as to how he expresses and feels things. He is unafraid to cry in public, declare that something makes him feel good or bad, or say very bluntly what needs to be done to make him feel better (eg declaring he responds well to positive reinforcement- that sounds like therapist or guidance counselor language to me! Good job, Darwin! I wish I was as clear as you!). Likewise, Penny is prone to meltdowns after she breaks out of her shell, and she is so intensely emotional that she messes up her (likely well-rehearsed) cheer tryout due to being rejected by Gumball, and her physical form changes based on emotion. Banana Joe, Carrie, Masami, Sarah, arguably Anton, Carmen, Teri, Tina, Hector, and Sussie also express their intense emotions in big and obvious ways. Some examples include Masami’s meltdown in The Storm, Teri’s tendency to faint or cry, Carmen’s outburst (possibly a meltdown or breakdown) at her old school, and Tina’s tendency to use violence and anger as a first response when upset, even in “small” ways. (Note- I put small in quotes because something like being told it’s a waste of time to get piano lessons might not feel small to her, and could indeed warrant chasing and attacking Gumball.) On the other side of the scale, we have characters like Alan, Idaho, Bobert, Molly, Leslie, and Hector (again, as he behaves differently with or without his music box), who are capable of being dramatic or expressing emotion, but won’t acknowledge their feelings directly and might even be perceived as not having (many) emotions. For instance, Bobert is often referred to as not having emotions or not being a real person, a harmful stereotype against autistic folks, which is increased by the fact that he is a robot, which autistic folks are sometimes unfairly compared to. Alan is seemingly incapable of feeling negative emotions, to the point where his loss of hope wrecks Elmore, implying that he has a mental or emotional block from feeling and expressing these emotions. Molly references her “special dark place,” implying that she does get emotionally or sensorially overwhelmed, but has no way to express her needs (or lacks the confidence to do so) and would rather remove herself from a situation. Leslie is the most dramatic of the characters with emotional blocks or low emotional expression, but I would argue that since he never openly owns or discusses his emotions, (verbally or otherwise,) and instead turns to petty drama or denial, he also belongs in this category.

TL;DR: Most if not all of Miss Simian’s students exhibit classic symptoms of neurodivergence, be it autism, adhd, or both. Hopefully the many (x character) has (x diagnosis) posts I’ve seen floating around can supplement this theory! And of course, if you don’t buy this interpretation or just don’t like it, you don’t have to agree with me! But I think the idea of TAWOG having a majority neurodivergent cast is comforting, fun, and canon-compliant. :)

[onefite]

10 Common Symptoms of a Mental Breakdown

10 Common Symptoms of a Mental Breakdown Introduction Feeling overwhelmed or having a tough time coping? You’re not alone. Many of us go through periods where it feels like the world is crashing down around us. This state often signals a mental breakdown, a term that describes a period of intense mental distress. During this time, managing day-to-day tasks can feel impossible. By understanding…

[liskantope]

In the internet era, likeminded people will find each other, including those that are suffering from ailments the conventional medical system can’t treat or even define. It’s therefore no surprise that since the whole world went online the number of people claiming to suffer from disputed diseases with shifting symptoms and complex etiologies has risen dramatically. All of those people, I have no doubt, are in some kind of pain, and we are compelled by decency and shared humanity to confront that pain. But it’s also true that the internet creates conspiracists, it heightens distrust of institutions, it magnifies paranoia. On the internet, no matter how fanciful your sneaking suspicions might be, no matter how disordered and unhealthy, someone will emerge from the digital fog and whisper to you that all of it is real. From this stems gangstalking, stems QAnon, stems people who think they’re getting sick from 5G. It’s a problem from hell and one I don’t know how to fix.

. . .

When one group of people in society feels unheard for so long, in time they form a crusade, and the object of that crusade is the most human of all demands: feel our pain. It is natural to want the world to understand our suffering as something different, something deeper, something special. The cacophony of our political lives stems in no small part from the ceaselessly multiplying number of groups that ask that their suffering be seen as something transcendent and unique. The trouble, of course, is that we’re all suffering, and in fact to suffer is the least special, most ordinary thing any person can do.

Thank you Freddie DeBoer for articulating these things, and so beautifully.

Actually, I find the entire article excellent and beautifully written (modulo my not having any other exposure to the Ross Douthat book myself, and after reading this article not caring to try reading it because I don't know if I could emotionally handle it!). The review expresses a lot of profound points besides the ones shown in the two paragraphs I quoted above. I quoted the particular things I did because they reflect particular points of view that I've held and not known quite how to express and not seen directly discussed enough.

Overall, DeBoer has grown on me a great deal over the years. I first knew him shortly after I was introduced to the rationalism community, so sometime not long after mid-2014. I found his writing okay then but often dense; I found the sides he took on lots of issues a bit hard to relate to (in the sense of not being able to grok a full worldview that certain stances naturally flowed from, I guess?) and vehemently disagreed with one of his articles strongly enough to write this post back in 2015 (not sure whether I'd endorse my post today). But, a lot of time (by internet standards) has passed between then and now -- in DeBoer's case, that included a mental breakdown and related hiatus from blogging -- and now he's right around the top of my list of favorite blogs that frequently update. In particular, at this point I honestly consider him to write better anti-SJ stuff than Scott Alexander ever did, although I'm not sure how much of that reflects an evolution in my own tastes and inclinations.

[dailydnp]

British YouTuber, presenter, and author Daniel Howell offers a practical yet poignant look into mental health – his own struggles held up as a mirror for anyone else going through the same – in his book You Will Get Through This Night.

Written in conjunction with psychologist Dr Heather Bolton, the book is an amalgamation of Howell’s own experiences and Dr Bolton’s expert perspective combined to create a reading that feels like a personal attack in the best of ways, forcing you confront, embrace and then overcome your perception of your own mental health.

Best described as, “a practical guide to taking control of your mental health for today, tomorrow, and the days after,”  You Will Get Through This Night takes readers through Howell’s mental health journey, wrapped in his trademark sense of humour and nuggets of wisdom that urge them forwards in their path to a healthier mindset.  

Speaking to 1883, Howell describes what pushed him to write the book, learning to question his normal, how upbringing and culture impacts one’s perception of mental health, the role that a sense of humour plays in getting the conversation around mental health started and more.

Was there a particular moment that solidified your decision to write this book?

I think it was just realizing the power that every single person has to tell their story and break down the wall. Because with mental health, it’s the thing that every single person has a universal experience of. And yet, we all like to go, ‘I’m fine,’ when we’re completely having a meltdown on the inside and it was me opening up, not because I thought it was a nice idea just because I thought I had to open up about what I was going through with my depression, my sexuality. I went through 27 years of terrible mental health, without even realizing that you’re not supposed to be that way. It’s the idea that we all think we are broken, born in a certain way and doomed to feel that way forever, and that’s fundamentally wrong. I thought I’d like to write this book because other people may see themselves in it, notice that they relate to something, and therefore maybe there’s something about themselves that they need to work on. I literally I just wrote the book that I wish I could have read, because for me it was a struggle to even find the resources and the advice I needed.

You’ve mentioned in the book, that you never questioned your symptoms and that you were taken aback when the doctor said you were suffering from depression. But where there moments before that you started questioning this perception of what was normal to you?

I think it became my normal to feel bad all the time, which sounds dramatic but it was me. I thought it was all to do with my choices, age, environment and my job. But mental health is deeper than that, it’s something deeper and it’s something that you can actually have a positive effect on, which is what I wish I knew earlier, and it only happened when I got to a point where I was struggling, so much that I couldn’t even function day-to-day. In my mind, there was either nothing or there’s crazy. I thought you just have to get over your problems or you are totally crazy, which is so ignorant but that’s just not the truth. So, I went to a doctor and he said I think you might have depression and that is a real thing. And there’s lots that you can do about it. It’s about just understanding everything to do with how your thoughts and feelings work, the relationship between your biology and how you interact with the world physically. It was such a slow and painful journey to learn all of that that I thought, I’m just going to put it all in here and the idea is that for someone who picks up this book, they can go right in. I’ll put it up on the shelf and then when I need to read it, I’m going to pick it up and open it  again. So, I just wanted to be super practical.

I really liked this quote in the book “breakdown can be breakthroughs”. So, when was the last time you can think of that a breakdown led to a breakthrough for you?

Every other week, like you know, all of us. It’s just human instinct to try and stick through it and ignore the problems especially with work. It’s a great excuse to lie, “ I know I feel bad but I’m really busy.” And it goes like that until things get way too intense. For me, there were moments where I felt I simply cannot keep going in my career or day-to-day life or try to pretend like I’m funny, until I deal with the fact that I’m gay. And though there was this terrible feeling like “have I hit rock bottom?” But the thing with any obstacle is that it stops you from going in the wrong direction and when you are forced to turn around usually it means you’re confronting the truth for the first time. Usually if someone has a breakdown, if you hit that wall in your life, that point where you absolutely can’t keep going until you turn around and something scary is going to be waiting, it means you’re going in the right direction. When you have these moments of confrontation, instead of procrastinating or running away, if you face it then it’s hopefully better days ahead.

Speaking of procrastination, you talk about burnout and the five-minute rule in one section. How do you strike a balance between not procrastinating and getting things done, but also not overworking yourself?

The human concept of work is very strange and it’s just one of those great examples of something that we’ve all brainwashed ourselves to see a certain way, to put value on certain things that are ultimately probably not great and inevitably lead to another dramatic moment of self-destruction and procrastination, which are both associated with so much guilt and shame.But in reality it’s not because I’m lazy that I don’t want to start this thing, it’s probably I’m terrified of starting this thing because I know that it’s important, I don’t want to fail at it. So, think of the five minute rule as ripping the plaster off, because it’s always the fear of starting. That was me, writing this book and feel like I’m not in the mood to do that, but then moment I start then I’d just write for consecutive hours. Again, it’s just snapping out of the mindset that you’re probably on, which goes I’m doing this because it’s important, and I have to do it. You probably don’t have to do it, you’re probably just running from something else. So, whether you are procrastinating, you think you’re lazy, or  you’re telling yourself that you have to put up all of your issues to deal with whatever you’re busy with, you need to flip it around and look at it, not just from in healthier way but in more honest way. I’m not going to cripple myself with guilt and shame about procrastination but I’m not going to over work myself.

You’ve also written about how one of the worst things you can say to someone going through depression is to get over it. What’s the hardest of trying to get people to understand that it isn’t something you can get over?

I think you cannot underestimate how profoundly ignorant most of the world still is about mental health and that’s not people’s fault. It’s just that science, education and culture has just not been doing the right thing even if science recently has come a long way. We’ve got hundreds of years of stigma that come from. Breaking down the barriers, by being honest, with someone one-to-one is a great way to do that. And it just telling them “I’m not going to pretend that everything’s fine. I just want to tell you that, I feel that way.” And for a lot of people who say they don’t understand depression, anxiety etc, if just say I feel bad and I want to do something about it, people usually empathize with it. I also think lot of people want not take it seriously when other people say that because they feel like where was their help when they needed it? I think that the human nature is usually to feel almost jealous that someone else is asking for help or sympathy and they want to get better but you have to talk back to that voice and say maybe this is an opportunity for me to finally, be honest about how I might have been feeling the whole time. Because at some point you have to break the cycle.

Though you’ve said how you can’t underestimate how ignorant people can be, there’s a section of the book where you talk about how you uploaded your video, “Basically, I’m gay,” and braced for negativity. But that you were surprised by all the positive responses. So, what’s the most recent instance you can think of where you were pleasantly surprised by humanity?

Something that anyone that has to admit something, they’re going through and has in common, whether that’s something that’s come out as gay or someone just admitting that they’re just really stressed or feeling very anxious, is feeling like they have to constantly explain themselves. This is just an example of how you can be afraid of what people will say but when you’re really just honest about something that you’re going through, people usually relate to it on a day-to-day level. Whenever I talk to someone about mental health or sexuality, who may think its weird at first but as I describe my thoughts and feelings, they may relate to it even if they aren’t going through exact same thing as you. For me, a year after coming out and I still have that conversation on a daily basis. As a teenager, I had that deathly fear, that I couldn’t tell anyone because it would be terrible, but now I realize that actually most people are just scared. They aren’t inherently hateful; they’re just putting up that wall because they think that being vulnerable leaves them for attack. But actually, if we’re all vulnerable we’d be a lot happier.

Speaking of vulnerability, you touch upon your upbringing in the book and how it sort of taught you to keep a stiff upper lip. When did you start learn to be vulnerable and what was the biggest challenge with that?

Being a young British man, going to an all-boys school or the comedians that I looked up to on TV – everyone was so cynical. It was about trying to be as like edgy as possible and like act tough, and not show this vulnerability in case it’s seen as weakness. I think that I carried this perception all the way into my mid-20s, it seeped into every part of my personality. A lot of the stuff that I made, when I was younger, had this cynical edge to it and it was only when I started to get more followers from around the world that I began people started questioning that cynicism. At first, I’d go “this is British humour,” but a few years later, I just started to reflect about the way I was about myself and realized it was a bit more than a joke have, I actually started to let this self-hatred and the lack of empathy towards how I feel sort of eat me up. I think because only because of the people who have followed me over the years, giving me a reflection of who I am through how they’ve perceived me that I’ve been able to break free of my default programming.

About your sense of humour and how you kind of make sense of how you’re feeling through jokes, have you ever felt misunderstood -particularly given the cultural differences of your audiences  you just mentioned – like you’re trying to make light of something that a lot of people suffer from?

Yeah, there’s  a weird line and there’s lots of conversations these days about what you’re allowed to joke about. What the difference between talking about something, being comfortable with it and almost glamorizing it. But I think if the biggest problem with mental health globally is people don’t even want to admit that they’re wrong. And that they don’t even know that they were wrong. A bunch of people joking about how depressed they feel could be a  good thing because they have at least taken the first step. So, I think it’s good that people can joke about things in a way that breaks the ice as long as they all know, in the same way that my book might make them feel very personally attacked that just behind that joke that you put up to protect yourself, there is something that you should work on. Even if it’s painful, that it will make you happier.

You mention celebrating small wins in the book. What win are you celebrating today?

I have just moved house and I have a toilet that doesn’t flush yet. But I managed to stick a coat hanger, inside the toilet and to make it flush. I just got my own toilet to flush, and for me, that’s such a miracle. It was a perfect example of how we take so many things for granted in life, whether it’s something huge to do with your health, the state of the world, your privilege. But I now have a flushing toilet and everything else felt easy. I can handle it because I got some perspective.

You also touch on the importance of inner circles in the book. , When was the last time, you personally reached out to bring someone into your inner circle and do you remember how you did it?

I am so awkward and awful at making friends and it’s something that usually, I’ll have one of those breakdowns where I go, “I have no friends.” The next day, I’ll wake up and DM people, out of every three people I DM two-point-nine will just ignore me and I will be very embarrassed. But then one of them will  say “ yes, in two and a half weeks, we will go get a pizza.” And you only have to succeed a couple times ever to make friends that you hopefully will see more than once. I know from experience, it can be embarrassing, painful and not fun to try and reach out to new people but you just start adding one person, every two years until you have a friend group.

While working on this book, I know you consulted with a psychologist for it, aside from your lived experiences. What did you learn about mental health while looking at it from an outside, expert perspective?

I think one of the biggest revelations for me while writing this book is realizing how much of it isn’t a logical thought in our head. So much of mental health is controlled by our body, and the physical things that we experience. It’s about just how we breathe, how much light, and fresh air. And the problem is in our modern world, our brains are looking at everything as a threat. As soon as you realize actually, humans are not as complicated and mysterious as we think, we’re just little animals trying not to get murdered. It was freeing to know because that meant we aren’t born with this magically broken consciousness, that’s just doomed. It definitely made me look at mental health for what it is rather than the mysterious fog of pain that I thought it was for the last 10 years that I had absolutely no control over.

You’ve said that you’re obviously not done with your mental health journey, but where are you on that journey at this moment in time?

I’m doing a lot better than I was simply because I can understand what I feel, and why, and that it’s normal now. And I honestly feel like that’s 90% of it. Most people don’t ever question their lives. If they spend too much time, feeling overwhelming you stressed or if they worry too much and they’re just not enjoying life day-to-day. But just knowing that there’s something you can do about, it gives me enough hope. From writing the book, I know everything I can do to get better.

Finally, what’s one question no one has asked you so far that you wish you were asked?

I think it’s just how do I convince the other people in my life to take mental health seriously?  I realized from writing this book and now, talking about it that the biggest problem I have is that most people simply do not think the conversation about mental health, or mental health,  applies to them because they’re fine. So many people think mental health is only something for people that have crippling depression or serious anxiety disorder, but it’s just how all of us, think and feel all the time. If you have bad self-esteem, if you worry about everything, if you have a way of looking at the world that’s really negative and you expect the worst, then  you might not need to immediately have an intervention with a psychotherapist, but you need to understand your mental health. Even if you read this book and say you are totally fine, then you still need to know this stuff so you can understand why you are fine. There will be a point in life where you need to make yourself feel better and mental health isn’t about waiting until you snap, and then picking up the pieces and going on medication. It should be about knowing how to keep yourself healthy and happy so that you don’t have a breakdown. Everyone has mental health, and that’s the thing that I wish I could just shove into everyone’s faces.

[secondpubertyscene]

8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

[caeloservare]

//it's a vol8 commentary vent. No, I don't think i can do this privately to anyone. No, it's not down to discussion as it hurts me how crwby treats their work and I just need to vent. How unemphatic they behave, disregarding their audience and most of the characters they write. How they ignore half of their own show to focus on their main characters alone and therefore ignore unintended messeges it sends. Because I still believe they're good people that just put unintentional things in there.

there is a post with shortened summary that seems pretty solid and... This is so bad. I get forgetting some things from before while writing a story, but as creator you really should go back and check, not claim there was a change, when there wasn't one. It's probably a joke, but this isn't how Chekhov's guns work. They're supposed to be a subtle implication on something that will happen later. It's nowhere subtle. I don't know for 100% sure if they called James "desperate angry white man" but it's still bad, even if they didn't disregard that he was modeled after an Asian (mixed race, but looking Asian) actor. Messege: desperate man don't deserve help, needs to die. This what turns out from the show and comments. They (or maybe just Miles) hate Ironwood and didn't give a shit about writing him, but he should lose and die. And that's all. As if men mental health wasn't already so damn disregarded with stupid shit like "man up" and seeing a need of help as weakness. How can you in times when there's world wide crisis and a bunch of wars brewing on top of that, send a messege like this? I believe it's not intended but it's still there. Either you're cute girl and then you are allowed breakdowns or you deserve to be monsterized into worst fucker ever and die.

Calling Robyn a substitute birb sister is also not good. Nice inside joke, but do they remember how they wrote Raven? What she did, how she treated Qrow? Why not respect Robyn enough to be her own character? Why put it in the commentary at all?

On top of that fandom does shit like: quoting panel about Mettle and claiming that it's just pain resistance and has nothing to do with ADHD right after quoting the "hyperfocus", "tunnel vision", "pushing through". I might not have adhd (or at least I don't think so), but hyperfocus, tunneling on one thing and giving it full attention does sound like adhd symptoms. How can people just ignore it on behalf of hating a character? Well, one that creators already hate too.

Fans writing analysis comparing to WWI and WWII Germany. What the fuck is wrong with your empathy to compare an anime in fantasy world to tragedies from the real world wars? Especially in a face of a fucking new ones brewing on Ukraine-Russia border? This is real shit, scary shit, harmful shit. Just stop excusing hating something with real life issues. It's not needed and it's harmful. Shitty. Ignorant. Hateful.

What bothers me greatly is also lack of character development. Main characters don't feel relatable but hell, I can roll with that, it's much worde that they barely change at all through the great events they take part in. All of it gets mentioned and forgotten. I really liked that rwby addressed trauma, but then it was just dismissed or throughoutly portrayed as unimportant/evil/sob story that doesn't change anything. They don't meet any consequences of their actions. They don't have to deal with any. We have a morally gray show, but characters are treated black&white. Good or bad. And in long shot it doesn't matter as long as main cast can't do anything wrong. Ren speaking his frustration and doubts gets disregarded. Yang'd frustration and past trauma - disregarded. Because power of friendship is more important than building relationships and growth. Because scenario is the power they have to obey, not "create" with their decisions.

I have a strong feeling crwby sticks to the story that in too big parts stays off screen, in their minds, not stated anywhere else. It doesn't work. It's sad and damn, it just hurts. It hurts and frustrates me. They touch complicated, heavy and delicate subjects and then just dispose of them. How insensitive is that? I can't just get over it and struggle all the time with it. I'm not sure if i should be here it all, but I'd feel bad for leaving rpc because of the rest of the fandom.

I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm out of spoons and somehow fandom and creators approach just drains me further. RPC is sweet, but the rest of everything around just drains me empty. I'm sorry.

[idmakeitbehave]

You Are Here

Summary: Spencer Reid doesn’t believe in signs, but that doesn’t stop him from looking. (Alternatively: post-Revelations angst because the writers decided to ignore literally everything)

Pairings: Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: 1.3k

Warnings: Mentions of drug use (nothing graphic), angsty feels, fluffy ending (i promise!!)

Spencer feels sick.

Both physically and mentally. He feels like he’s either going to be violently ill or collapse into a puddle of used-to-be human. Maybe both. Why not?

The withdrawal is almost over. He knows that. He knows the symptoms, knows the statistics, knows the timeline. Another day or two and he’ll be as good as new. He snorts at the thought. Good as new. As if. He’ll never be good again.

The bitterness in his throat threatens to spill out onto the concrete if he stops to think too much. So, he doesn’t stop. He wanders, without aim or destination, through the streets. This has become the norm for him. He’s not quite sure what he’s looking for. A sign, perhaps.

Spencer doesn’t believe in signs.

He knows statistically and logically that they don’t exist. Things either happen or they don’t. People either stay or they leave. You either die or you live long enough to fail again.

Failure. Defined as a lack of success. Also defined as the action or state of not functioning. Synonyms, depending on usage, include incompetent, loser, negligence, oversight, breakdown.

He feels like all of these things. If he stops moving for too long, it feels like they will overtake him. He will no longer be human, a living breathing thing. He will simply be a breakdown. An oversight in the grand scheme of life. Maybe he already is.

He reminds himself that he is still alive. His heart is still pumping, his blood is still rushing through his veins. This should be a miracle, but it feels like a curse. It feels like maybe he never really left that cemetery after all. Part of him wishes he hadn’t.

Alone. That’s all he can really feel. He’s been alone for so long, he supposes that it really shouldn’t surprise him anymore. Why should things be any different? He had been fooling himself, assuming that anyone would notice. That anyone would care. Wishful thinking.

The streets are cold and empty tonight. The brisk air wraps around his shoulders, causing him to fold more into himself than he already has. He doesn’t know how long he’s been walking, and this not knowing is refreshing. It’s freeing. He’s spent his whole life knowing, remembering every little detail. When he closes his eyes, it’s like reliving the worst moments of his life in a never-ending loop.

The drugs had helped, for a while. Until they didn’t. The loop had stopped, although not completely. It was more like a record scratch, a skipping through time. Then, just as soon as it had stopped, it started again.

He’s almost glad that they had stopped helping. If they hadn’t, he’s not sure he would have ever gotten clean. The allure would be too much, too hard to turn away from. The deadening of memory, the numbing of feeling.

He thinks of that Ray Bradbury quote- How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you?

The list is long, almost immeasurable, but he’s certain of the first person on it. There’s only so much blame one can place on everyone around them. When you’re always getting hurt, always getting left, it’s easier to figure out the common denominator. Him.

Continue on Ao3