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mostlysignssomeportents · 11 months

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Autoenshittification

Forget F1: the only car race that matters now is the race to turn your car into a digital extraction machine, a high-speed inkjet printer on wheels, stealing your private data as it picks your pocket. Your car’s digital infrastructure is a costly, dangerous nightmare — but for automakers in pursuit of postcapitalist utopia, it’s a dream they can’t give up on.

Your car is stuffed full of microchips, a fact the world came to appreciate after the pandemic struck and auto production ground to a halt due to chip shortages. Of course, that wasn’t the whole story: when the pandemic started, the automakers panicked and canceled their chip orders, only to immediately regret that decision and place new orders.

But it was too late: semiconductor production had taken a serious body-blow, and when Big Car placed its new chip orders, it went to the back of a long, slow-moving line. It was a catastrophic bungle: microchips are so integral to car production that a car is basically a computer network on wheels that you stick your fragile human body into and pray.

The car manufacturers got so desperate for chips that they started buying up washing machines for the microchips in them, extracting the chips and discarding the washing machines like some absurdo-dystopian cyberpunk walnut-shelling machine:

https://www.autoevolution.com/news/desperate-times-companies-buy-washing-machines-just-to-rip-out-the-chips-187033.html

These digital systems are a huge problem for the car companies. They are the underlying cause of a precipitous decline in car quality. From touch-based digital door-locks to networked sensors and cameras, every digital system in your car is a source of endless repair nightmares, costly recalls and cybersecurity vulnerabilities:

https://www.reuters.com/business/autos-transportation/quality-new-vehicles-us-declining-more-tech-use-study-shows-2023-06-22/

What’s more, drivers hate all the digital bullshit, from the janky touchscreens to the shitty, wildly insecure apps. Digital systems are drivers’ most significant point of dissatisfaction with the automakers’ products:

https://www.theverge.com/23801545/car-infotainment-customer-satisifaction-survey-jd-power

Even the automakers sorta-kinda admit that this is a problem. Back in 2020 when Massachusetts was having a Right-to-Repair ballot initiative, Big Car ran these unfuckingbelievable scare ads that basically said, “Your car spies on you so comprehensively that giving anyone else access to its systems will let murderers stalk you to your home and kill you:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/03/rip-david-graeber/#rolling-surveillance-platforms

But even amid all the complaining about cars getting stuck in the Internet of Shit, there’s still not much discussion of why the car-makers are making their products less attractive, less reliable, less safe, and less resilient by stuffing them full of microchips. Are car execs just the latest generation of rubes who’ve been suckered by Silicon Valley bullshit and convinced that apps are a magic path to profitability?

Nope. Car execs are sophisticated businesspeople, and they’re surfing capitalism’s latest — and last — hot trend: dismantling capitalism itself.

Now, leftists have been predicting the death of capitalism since The Communist Manifesto, but even Marx and Engels warned us not to get too frisky: capitalism, they wrote, is endlessly creative, constantly reinventing itself, re-emerging from each crisis in a new form that is perfectly adapted to the post-crisis reality:

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/31/books/review/a-spectre-haunting-china-mieville.html

But capitalism has finally run out of gas. In his forthcoming book, Techno Feudalism: What Killed Capitalism, Yanis Varoufakis proposes that capitalism has died — but it wasn’t replaced by socialism. Rather, capitalism has given way to feudalism:

https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/451795/technofeudalism-by-varoufakis-yanis/9781847927279

Under capitalism, capital is the prime mover. The people who own and mobilize capital — the capitalists — organize the economy and take the lion’s share of its returns. But it wasn’t always this way: for hundreds of years, European civilization was dominated by rents, not markets.

A “rent” is income that you get from owning something that other people need to produce value. Think of renting out a house you own: not only do you get paid when someone pays you to live there, you also get the benefit of rising property values, which are the result of the work that all the other homeowners, business owners, and residents do to make the neighborhood more valuable.

The first capitalists hated rent. They wanted to replace the “passive income” that landowners got from taxing their serfs’ harvest with active income from enclosing those lands and grazing sheep in order to get wool to feed to the new textile mills. They wanted active income — and lots of it.

Capitalist philosophers railed against rent. The “free market” of Adam Smith wasn’t a market that was free from regulation — it was a market free from rents. The reason Smith railed against monopolists is because he (correctly) understood that once a monopoly emerged, it would become a chokepoint through which a rentier could cream off the profits he considered the capitalist’s due:

https://locusmag.com/2021/03/cory-doctorow-free-markets/

Today, we live in a rentier’s paradise. People don’t aspire to create value — they aspire to capture it. In Survival of the Richest, Doug Rushkoff calls this “going meta”: don’t provide a service, just figure out a way to interpose yourself between the provider and the customer:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/09/13/collapse-porn/#collapse-porn

Don’t drive a cab, create Uber and extract value from every driver and rider. Better still: don’t found Uber, invest in Uber options and extract value from the people who invest in Uber. Even better, invest in derivatives of Uber options and extract value from people extracting value from people investing in Uber, who extract value from drivers and riders. Go meta.

This is your brain on the four-hour-work-week, passive income mind-virus. In Techno Feudalism, Varoufakis deftly describes how the new “Cloud Capital” has created a new generation of rentiers, and how they have become the richest, most powerful people in human history.

Shopping at Amazon is like visiting a bustling city center full of stores — but each of those stores’ owners has to pay the majority of every sale to a feudal landlord, Emperor Jeff Bezos, who also decides which goods they can sell and where they must appear on the shelves. Amazon is full of capitalists, but it is not a capitalist enterprise. It’s a feudal one:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/28/enshittification/#relentless-payola

This is the reason that automakers are willing to enshittify their products so comprehensively: they were one of the first industries to decouple rents from profits. Recall that the reason that Big Car needed billions in bailouts in 2008 is that they’d reinvented themselves as loan-sharks who incidentally made cars, lending money to car-buyers and then “securitizing” the loans so they could be traded in the capital markets.

Even though this strategy brought the car companies to the brink of ruin, it paid off in the long run. The car makers got billions in public money, paid their execs massive bonuses, gave billions to shareholders in buybacks and dividends, smashed their unions, fucked their pensioned workers, and shipped jobs anywhere they could pollute and murder their workforce with impunity.

Car companies are on the forefront of postcapitalism, and they understand that digital is the key to rent-extraction. Remember when BMW announced that it was going to rent you the seatwarmer in your own fucking car?

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/02/big-river/#beemers

Not to be outdone, Mercedes announced that they were going to rent you your car’s accelerator pedal, charging an extra $1200/year to unlock a fully functional acceleration curve:

https://www.theverge.com/2022/11/23/23474969/mercedes-car-subscription-faster-acceleration-feature-price

This is the urinary tract infection business model: without digitization, all your car’s value flowed in a healthy stream. But once the car-makers add semiconductors, each one of those features comes out in a painful, burning dribble, with every button on that fakakta touchscreen wired directly into your credit-card.

But it’s just for starters. Computers are malleable. The only computer we know how to make is the Turing Complete Von Neumann Machine, which can run every program we know how to write. Once they add networked computers to your car, the Car Lords can endlessly twiddle the knobs on the back end, finding new ways to extract value from you:

https://doctorow.medium.com/twiddler-1b5c9690cce6

That means that your car can track your every movement, and sell your location data to anyone and everyone, from marketers to bounty-hunters looking to collect fees for tracking down people who travel out of state for abortions to cops to foreign spies:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/n7enex/tool-shows-if-car-selling-data-privacy4cars-vehicle-privacy-report

Digitization supercharges financialization. It lets car-makers offer subprime auto-loans to desperate, poor people and then killswitch their cars if they miss a payment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4U2eDJnwz_s

Subprime lending for cars would be a terrible business without computers, but digitization makes it a great source of feudal rents. Car dealers can originate loans to people with teaser rates that quickly blow up into payments the dealer knows their customer can’t afford. Then they repo the car and sell it to another desperate person, and another, and another:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/07/27/boricua/#looking-for-the-joke-with-a-microscope

Digitization also opens up more exotic options. Some subprime cars have secondary control systems wired into their entertainment system: miss a payment and your car radio flips to full volume and bellows an unstoppable, unmutable stream of threats. Tesla does one better: your car will lock and immobilize itself, then blare its horn and back out of its parking spot when the repo man arrives:

https://tiremeetsroad.com/2021/03/18/tesla-allegedly-remotely-unlocks-model-3-owners-car-uses-smart-summon-to-help-repo-agent/

Digital feudalism hasn’t stopped innovating — it’s just stopped innovating good things. The digital device is an endless source of sadistic novelties, like the cellphones that disable your most-used app the first day you’re late on a payment, then work their way down the other apps you rely on for every day you’re late:

https://restofworld.org/2021/loans-that-hijack-your-phone-are-coming-to-india/

Usurers have always relied on this kind of imaginative intimidation. The loan-shark’s arm-breaker knows you’re never going to get off the hook; his goal is in intimidating you into paying his boss first, liquidating your house and your kid’s college fund and your wedding ring before you default and he throws you off a building.

Thanks to the malleability of computerized systems, digital arm-breakers have an endless array of options they can deploy to motivate you into paying them first, no matter what it costs you:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/02/innovation-unlocks-markets/#digital-arm-breakers

Car-makers are trailblazers in imaginative rent-extraction. Take VIN-locking: this is the practice of adding cheap microchips to engine components that communicate with the car’s overall network. After a new part is installed in your car, your car’s computer does a complex cryptographic handshake with the part that requires an unlock code provided by an authorized technician. If the code isn’t entered, the car refuses to use that part.

VIN-locking has exploded in popularity. It’s in your iPhone, preventing you from using refurb or third-party replacement parts:

https://doctorow.medium.com/apples-cement-overshoes-329856288d13

It’s in fuckin’ ventilators, which was a nightmare during lockdown as hospital techs nursed their precious ventilators along by swapping parts from dead systems into serviceable ones:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/3azv9b/why-repair-techs-are-hacking-ventilators-with-diy-dongles-from-poland

And of course, it’s in tractors, along with other forms of remote killswitch. Remember that feelgood story about John Deere bricking the looted Ukrainian tractors whose snitch-chips showed they’d been relocated to Russia?

https://doctorow.medium.com/about-those-kill-switched-ukrainian-tractors-bc93f471b9c8

That wasn’t a happy story — it was a cautionary tale. After all, John Deere now controls the majority of the world’s agricultural future, and they’ve boobytrapped those ubiquitous tractors with killswitches that can be activated by anyone who hacks, takes over, or suborns Deere or its dealerships.

Control over repair isn’t limited to gouging customers on parts and service. When a company gets to decide whether your device can be fixed, it can fuck you over in all kinds of ways. Back in 2019, Tim Apple told his shareholders to expect lower revenues because people were opting to fix their phones rather than replace them:

https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2019/01/letter-from-tim-cook-to-apple-investors/

By usurping your right to decide who fixes your phone, Apple gets to decide whether you can fix it, or whether you must replace it. Problem solved — and not just for Apple, but for car makers, tractor makers, ventilator makers and more. Apple leads on this, even ahead of Big Car, pioneering a “recycling” program that sees trade-in phones shredded so they can’t possibly be diverted from an e-waste dump and mined for parts:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/yp73jw/apple-recycling-iphones-macbooks

John Deere isn’t sleeping on this. They’ve come up with a valuable treasure they extract when they win the Right-to-Repair: Deere singles out farmers who complain about its policies and refuses to repair their tractors, stranding them with six-figure, two-ton paperweight:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/05/31/dealers-choice/#be-a-shame-if-something-were-to-happen-to-it

The repair wars are just a skirmish in a vast, invisible fight that’s been waged for decades: the War On General-Purpose Computing, where tech companies use the law to make it illegal for you to reconfigure your devices so they serve you, rather than their shareholders:

https://memex.craphound.com/2012/01/10/lockdown-the-coming-war-on-general-purpose-computing/

The force behind this army is vast and grows larger every day. General purpose computers are antithetical to technofeudalism — all the rents extracted by technofeudalists would go away if others (tinkereres, co-ops, even capitalists!) were allowed to reconfigure our devices so they serve us.

You’ve probably noticed the skirmishes with inkjet printer makers, who can only force you to buy their ink at 20,000% markups if they can stop you from deciding how your printer is configured:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/08/07/inky-wretches/#epson-salty But we’re also fighting against insulin pump makers, who want to turn people with diabetes into walking inkjet printers:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/10/loopers/#hp-ification

And companies that make powered wheelchairs:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/08/chair-ish/#r2r

These companies start with people who have the least agency and social power and wreck their lives, then work their way up the privilege gradient, coming for everyone else. It’s called the “shitty technology adoption curve”:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/08/21/great-taylors-ghost/#solidarity-or-bust

Technofeudalism is the public-private-partnership from hell, emerging from a combination of state and private action. On the one hand, bailing out bankers and big business (rather than workers) after the 2008 crash and the covid lockdown decoupled income from profits. Companies spent billions more than they earned were still wildly profitable, thanks to those public funds.

But there’s also a policy dimension here. Some of those rentiers’ billions were mobilized to both deconstruct antitrust law (allowing bigger and bigger companies and cartels) and to expand “IP” law, turning “IP” into a toolsuite for controlling the conduct of a firm’s competitors, critics and customers:

https://locusmag.com/2020/09/cory-doctorow-ip/

IP is key to understanding the rise of technofeudalism. The same malleability that allows companies to “twiddle” the knobs on their services and keep us on the hook as they reel us in would hypothetically allow us to countertwiddle, seizing the means of computation:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/12/algorithmic-wage-discrimination/#fishers-of-men

The thing that stands between you and an alternative app store, an interoperable social media network that you can escape to while continuing to message the friends you left behind, or a car that anyone can fix or unlock features for is IP, not technology. Under capitalism, that technology would already exist, because capitalists have no loyalty to one another and view each other’s margins as their own opportunities.

But under technofeudalism, control comes from rents (owning things), not profits (selling things). The capitalist who wants to participate in your iPhone’s “ecosystem” has to make apps and submit them to Apple, along with 30% of their lifetime revenues — they don’t get to sell you jailbreaking kit that lets you choose their app store.

Rent-seeking technology has a holy grail: control over “ring zero” — the ability to compel you to configure your computer to a feudalist’s specifications, and to verify that you haven’t altered your computer after it came into your possession:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/01/30/ring-minus-one/#drm-political-economy

For more than two decades, various would-be feudal lords and their court sorcerers have been pitching ways of doing this, of varying degrees of outlandishness.

At core, here’s what they envision: inside your computer, they will nest another computer, one that is designed to run a very simple set of programs, none of which can be altered once it leaves the factory. This computer — either a whole separate chip called a “Trusted Platform Module” or a region of your main processor called a secure enclave — can tally observations about your computer: which operating system, modules and programs it’s running.

Then it can cryptographically “sign” these observations, proving that they were made by a secure chip and not by something you could have modified. Then you can send this signed “attestation” to someone else, who can use it to determine how your computer is configured and thus whether to trust it. This is called “remote attestation.”

There are some cool things you can do with remote attestation: for example, two strangers playing a networked video game together can use attestations to make sure neither is running any cheat modules. Or you could require your cloud computing provider to use attestations that they aren’t stealing your data from the server you’re renting. Or if you suspect that your computer has been infected with malware, you can connect to someone else and send them an attestation that they can use to figure out whether you should trust it.

Today, there’s a cool remote attestation technology called “PrivacyPass” that replaces CAPTCHAs by having you prove to your own device that you are a human. When a server wants to make sure you’re a person, it sends a random number to your device, which signs that number along with its promise that it is acting on behalf of a human being, and sends it back. CAPTCHAs are all kinds of bad — bad for accessibility and privacy — and this is really great.

But the billions that have been thrown at remote attestation over the decades is only incidentally about solving CAPTCHAs or verifying your cloud server. The holy grail here is being able to make sure that you’re not running an ad-blocker. It’s being able to remotely verify that you haven’t disabled the bossware your employer requires. It’s the power to block someone from opening an Office365 doc with LibreOffice. It’s your boss’s ability to ensure that you haven’t modified your messaging client to disable disappearing messages before he sends you an auto-destructing memo ordering you to break the law.

And there’s a new remote attestation technology making the rounds: Google’s Web Environment Integrity, which will leverage Google’s dominance over browsers to allow websites to block users who run ad-blockers:

https://github.com/RupertBenWiser/Web-Environment-Integrity

There’s plenty else WEI can do (it would make detecting ad-fraud much easier), but for every legitimate use, there are a hundred ways this could be abused. It’s a technology purpose-built to allow rent extraction by stripping us of our right to technological self-determination.

Releasing a technology like this into a world where companies are willing to make their products less reliable, less attractive, less safe and less resilient in pursuit of rents is incredibly reckless and shortsighted. You want unauthorized bread? This is how you get Unauthorized Bread:

https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/amp/

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this thread to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/24/rent-to-pwn/#kitt-is-a-demon

[Image ID: The interior of a luxury car. There is a dagger protruding from the steering wheel. The entertainment console has been replaced by the text 'You wouldn't download a car,' in MPAA scare-ad font. Outside of the windscreen looms the Matrix waterfall effect. Visible in the rear- and side-view mirror is the driver: the figure from Munch's 'Scream.' The screen behind the steering-wheel has been replaced by the menacing red eye of HAL9000 from Stanley Kubrick's '2001: A Space Odyssey.']

Image: Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

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taintedtort · 2 months

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Hihii...!!! i really love ur HCs and i wanted to ask if you're comfortable with these types of character writing, what r ur headcanons on kenma, kuro, tsuki n maybe suna would act when they're drunk ? like would they be a bit different than their usual self ? sorry to ask a lot but im more curious on ur thoughts on kenma ;; .. write whatever u can, idm ! thank u ehehe have a good one ! >_< <3

" LET'S GET DRUNK! "

summary. they’re drunk lolz

characters. kenma, kuroo, tsukishima

warnings. afab!reader, drinking/alcohol, post timeskip!!!^^

a/n. yesss i love kenma, many thoughts on him!! he’s my favorite!!! didn’t add suna because i don’t really know his character that well :( added a kenma bonus to make up for it tho!

KENMA

☆ i think he’d be a sleepy drunk. he's out as soon as his head hits any soft surface— maybe even before! i feel like he also acts grumpier, mumbling complaints when you wake him up and try to move him (he was passed out on your shoulder in the car, you have to get him to bed!)

☆ his face gets kinda pink, like he’s blushing. he’s pale, so it’s more noticeable than it would be on someone else. his eyes get droopy and his face sort of relaxes, so he looks mean and tired.

☆ he stubbles slightly, but he surprisingly manages to maneuver himself pretty well for a drunk person. just don’t ask him to do a cartwheel or anything… he couldn’t even do one of those while sober.

☆ he doesn’t drink often, so he’s a light weight… plus he’s skinny and on the smaller side, so he doesn’t have to drink much to get a buzz. he’s usually responsible though, but sometimes he celebrates too hard (with a bit of a push from kuroo)

☆ he doesn’t get any more talkative, but he’s less filtered that normal. i don’t think he’d be too flirty or mean, but if he got drunk enough he may compliment you a couple times.

BONUS:

☆ the type to get so drunk he forgets who you are. you come find him to pick him up after someone called you, and he’s face down on the table. you nudge him, trying to gently guide him to stand, but he’s immediately swatting you away, grumbling about how he has a girlfriend.

"leave m' alone— got a girlfriend already," he slurs, raising his head to drunkenly glare at you. his eyes narrow further when you laugh.

"kenma… i’m you’re girlfriend," you tell him, always finding it a bit amusing when he gets this drunk. he’s not too much of a hassle though, since he usually knocks right out when you get home and tuck him in.

he's silent for a moment, just staring at you up and down. he wears the same expression he has whenever he buys a new video game, excited and in awe.

"really…?" he asks, a hopeful tone in his voice. now that he’s looking at you… you are really pretty. he really hopes you're his girlfriend.

"yes, really. i’m gonna take you home, okay? cmon," you urge, gently grabbing his arm and helping him stand. he complies this time, his eyebrows raising.

"we live together?" he questions, the situation just getting better and better to him.

"we do," you confirm, another giggle leaving you. it doesn’t really hurt your feelings that he doesn’t remember, you find it more amusing and entertaining than anything.

"… im so lucky," you hear him whisper under his breath, looking at you as you guide him to the car.

KUROO

☆ he'd be a funny drunk i think… a bit of a handful, and is entertaining at first, but eventually gets annoying. his emotions kind of double when he’s intoxicated, and he’s also kind of erratic. really energetic after his first few drinks, but if he’s extra drunk, he’s more emotional.

☆ his eyes get a little watery, but that’s about it. he actually looks more lively while he’s drunk, because he makes more facial expressions.

☆ he can’t stand straight at all, especially if he’s had more than a couple drinks. needs support to walk, otherwise he'll fall. he’s heavy though, and puts majority of his weight on you, so sometimes you end up falling anyway.

☆ he can handle his alcohol pretty well. takes him a few drinks to get a buzz, but he doesn’t usually stop there. mostly drinks to celebrate things, or at parties. never drinks alone, that’s just boring and sad to him.

☆ probably asks you random stupid questions like "what number am i?" or "what animal would i be?" (follows up that second question with "would you still love me if i was that animal?")

☆ i think he’s more talkative, but he speaks faster and his words are kinda jumbled, so it’s hard to understand him sometimes. he gets a lot more sappy, constantly complimenting you and telling you that he loves you (he does that all the time already)

"y're sooo pretty, love you s' much."

TSUKISHIMA

☆ not that much different than when he’s sober, honestly. he gets more mellow, surprisingly, though it might be because alcohol makes him a little sleepy, similar to kenma. he isn’t quick to fall asleep, but he’s not energetic and jumping around.

☆ his face is more relaxed, which makes him look even more intimidating and mean. his eyes get a little red around the edges, but that’s mostly it.

☆ stubbles quite a bit and holds things for support. if you try to help him, he’ll snip and you and complain that he doesn’t need your help to walk. (he does, and eventually gives in and leans on you a bit when he almost falls on his face)

☆ also a lightweight. doesn’t go drinking unless he’s invited, and even then he’s usually the designated driver. on top of that, he hates being hung over, and he hates throwing up, so he rarely gets super drunk. kuroo tries to persuade him sometimes, but the most he gets his a little tipsy.

☆ probably gets into debates with people about certain topics that he likes, arguing with them about facts and opinions. he usually wins. even when he’s drunk, he’s still quick witted.

☆ he fights you on everything, insisting he’s fine and "not drunk" whenever you try to help him. you end up ignoring his complaints and just assist him with changing and getting into bed anyway. he’s asleep pretty quickly, especially if you run his back/scalp.

"i don’t need help— i'm not even that drunk!"

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blckbrrybasket · 21 days

Text

ᯓ★ 𝐉𝐉 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬

SFW

- 0.1% of top Sublime listeners on spotify

- does not have spotify premium and tries every trick to get around the ads, half the time he ends up groaning loudly over them to drown them out.

- one of the kids who went on youtube 24/7 to look up codes to get free things from vending machines.

- spaces out constantly

- has never had a hangover. nobody knows how he does it and he says he has a trick to it. he doesn’t. he just doesn’t get them 😭

- says harry potter, maze runner, hunger games, etc. are for nerds yet has been caught trying to read them over pope’s shoulder.

- games > movies > books

- when he fished as a kid JJ used to put his hands in the bait bucket to hold the worms + he fully believed that worms could multiply if they’re cut up.

- surprisingly good at english

- hates how wetsuits fit and would rather freeze than feel the material drag on his skin.

- his favorite food is spaghetti and steak (separately or together he’s not picky)

- doesn’t have good table manners but gets so excited over a home cooked meal.

- extremely loyal, he would rather die than rat out his friends. also hates snitches!

- instead of buying muscle tanks he cuts them himself from old t-shirts his dad has owned for decades.

- couldn’t buy a punching bag so he used one of those inflatable punching bags until it popped.

- hopping off the last one JJ pretends to punch everything in the vicinity of him.

- has sunk his old canoe at least five times and had to pull it out of the lake every time.

- doesn’t hug that often but when he does he makes it worth while he’s a massive bear hugger.

- uses an ungodly amount of abbreviations when texting. says ‘omg’ out loud unironically

- says he won’t do something for you or complains about doing it but if you threaten to go do it he jumps up and runs to do it.

- started working on cars when he was a kid watching his dad work under the hood.

- cannot keep plants alive to save his life

- certified yapper!!

- stopped using a juul after a few years, saying that weed is natural so it’s better for you. “mother nature grows it so it has to be good for you…like potatoes.”

SFW (serious)

- undiagnosed adhd not because he has a lot of energy but because he fidgets a lot, has self restraint issues (may say things not socially acceptable in a situation or blurt things out), difficulty controlling emotions, etc.

- he has anxiety (pretty sure rudy said this was canon!)

- very awkward with emotions (canon) shit at comforting people he loves but he still tries. he doesn’t know how to deal with emotions after how his dad raised him.

- unfortunately wouldn’t want therapy for a very long time. he wouldn’t accept the offer until long after the events of hunting treasures.

- has very mixed feelings about his dad

- wanted siblings as a kid to keep him company but after his mom left JJ hated the idea of his family growing. he only saw it as an opportunity for more people to love him. John B is his brother though, through and through. JJ is a firm believer that blood doesn’t equal family.

- it takes a lot for JJ to open up but when he does he will forever trust you.

- that being said do not betray him because he WILL be looking for revenge even if it’s petty

- sometimes he lets himself dream about what life would have been like if he was born a kook. thinks it would have been better because at least he could have bought things to make himself happy.

- as much as he wants money he wouldn’t trade his life with his friends for anything.

- doesn’t like letting his trauma define him and brushes it off anytime someone brings it up.

#jj maybank #jj maybank obx #jj maybank outer banks #outerbanks jj #jj obx #outer banks jj #jj outer banks #outer banks #outerbanks #obx #obx headcanon #jj maybank headcanon #headcanons #outerbanks headcanons #jj maybank headcanons #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x you

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stvrni0lo · 8 months

Text

𝐢 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐢 𝐤𝐧𝐞𝐰

matt sturniolo x reader (fluff)

summary: reader is secretly messaging someone, and matt gets jealous

warnings/notes: mentions of jealousy, happy ending

requested?: yes! number 17 “accidental confession” and number 24 “A not realizing they’re jealous” from my actions prompt list @markiplierbaby

also requested by others ↴

- boy bsf matt getting jealous over someone reader is talking to so he starts to act all possessive and touchy

> > >

You had known Matt for years now. He was your best friend and confidant, always offering his support whenever you needed it. Matt never judged you or questioned your life choices (unless, of course, they were bad choices… in which case he would tell you to get a grip).

All in all, you two were always together. Either he would come over with Nick and Chris or you would visit them for a full-day sleepover. Most days you would do something fun but there was obviously the occasional staying in and doing nothing.

This leads us to where you were currently. Sat on the couch, with your phone in hand as you giggled at a text notification that popped up.

Matt, ever curious, tilted his head to you, dropping his own mobile onto his lap. He eyed your body language, noticing the lingering grin on your face as you typed away.

“What’s funny?” he asked, an unusual feeling bubbling in his chest.

Turning your head to him briefly, you opened and closed your mouth, unsure of what to say. For some reason you were hesitant to tell him of the person you had been texting these past few days. Why were you so nervous? It’s not like he would care, right?

“Oh, just a friend… said something funny,” you finished, your heart thumping faster than you would care to admit.

Matt’s demeanor fell slightly. His shoulders slumped against the couch defeatedly. Once he noticed your lack of attention towards him, he resumed his trek through TikTok.

He couldn’t understand why his blood boiled every time you let out a snort, or a laugh. Your beautiful smile that graced your face every time a new message came through - why did that make him feel sick with worry? Matt couldn’t help but look up at you every now and again, his stomach twisting into knots more and more each time he did so.

What could be so funny? It’s not like he hasn’t made you laugh like that before, so why was it so bad when this other person was doing it?

Hating that he was being a pouty and complaining to himself, he decided to get himself up off the couch. He looked back to you before speaking.

“Do you wanna do something today? Like, instead of sitting and doing… whatever it is you’re doing,” he added the last part a bit passive aggressively.

He didn’t mean to be mad. He just couldn’t help it. What was so private that you couldn’t disclose it to him? And why did he care so much? Matt knew he was being silly, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of dread every time he saw your eyes light up at your screen. Maybe a nice day out with you would help get his mind off of it.

You pondered for a few minutes before nodding. “Yeah, sure. What did you have in mind?”

- - -

The drive to the cinema was short. Matt said he wanted to watch a new movie that had come out, insisting that he buy the tickets online before you got there. He had a habit of always paying for you - and you wouldn’t have minded if he at least let you do the same from time to time. But he never did.

“So… who’s got you all giggly today?” he asked. It was slightly out of curiosity, but mostly out of discomfort of not knowing who it was.

“Oh! It was a friend of Madi’s. I met them a couple days ago when I went to her house.”

You said it matter-of-factly. How were you to know that Matt had ulterior motives asking this? How were you to know that as soon as you got out of the car, Matt would shoot Madi a text to ask who the friend was?

Matt held the door open for you as you reached the entrance to the theater. He showed the usher your tickets before making his way with you to the screen.

You realized you needed to pee before going in. There was still 20 minutes left, so you decided you’d go now before it was too late. “Hey,” you called to Matt.

He stopped to look at you, his eyebrows arching. It was as if he was waiting for you to say something. Something in particular, to which his shoulders dropped when you didn’t.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick.”

“Okay, yeah.”

As you walked to the bathroom, the last thing Matt was expecting was for you to return with someone else, your laugh echoing throughout the building.

Your head leaned into the person next to you, your smile as big as ever.

Running up to Matt, you stood beside him to introduce the newbie. “Matt! This is who I was telling you about,” you said, your grin growing as he shook hands with them.

“Ah,” he said, forcing a smile. He felt bad, but he really did not want to meet this person. This person that seemed to steal your heart and - why did he care?

Matt instinctively moved closer to you, his shoulder resting against yours. He was seeking comfort - reassurance. But he didn’t know why. You were his friend, he should be happy for you.

The conversation that buzzed through the air seemed to go in one ear and out the other. His responses were automated, nothing besides a “yeah”, “oh cool” or strained laughter could be heard from him.

At some point, it felt as if something possessed him, and he involuntarily wrapped his arm around your shoulder. It wasn’t a shock to you, really. He was occasionally touchy with you - I mean you guys were as close as could be. Yet you had noticed how weird he was acting, so you knew this sudden affection wasn’t coming from a friendly perspective. You knew he wasn’t feeling well.

“Sorry to cut this short but we really do have a movie to see. It was nice meeting you,” Matt said curtly.

It wasn’t a lie. The movie did start in 10 minutes. But really, he just wanted to have you to himself right now.

Matt moved to grab your hand now, pulling you away and towards the double doors. Your friend had already left, so you decided you’d question Matt before entering.

Planting your feet on the ground, you interlocked your fingers to his, bringing him back. “Matt,” you sing-songed.

“Matt,” you said again, more stern this time. He fell backwards, hesitantly facing you now. There was an almost embarrassed look on his face.

“Something’s up with you,” you pointed out.

“Really?” he responded, his eyes landing on your interlocked fingers.

You sighed, taking a step closer. “Matt,” you said for the third time. Each time you said his name, it sounded like honey dripping from your tongue. It made his heart race. His palms were sweating, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.

“Yeah. You’re right, I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I don’t really know.”

He sounded exasperated, his sighs were deep, and his eyes looked confused. Confused on what he was really even feeling.

“I just think that maybe I don’t really like your friend,” he said quickly, worried that he’d upset you.

You cocked your head to the side. “How come?”

“They’re not that funny,” he said, pouting. “And they were texting you too much. I could barely even have a conversation with you this morning.”

You almost got whiplash with how fast you jerked your head backwards. To say you were confused would be an understatement. “They were… texting me too much?” you asked in disbelief.

Matt’s cheeks burned under your intense gaze. “Matt, I don’t understand.”

He shook his head, groaning. He let go of your hand to rub his face in frustration. “Me neither! But every time you smiled at them I got so annoyed and - and I think maybe I just don’t like your new friend.”

Suddenly, a wave of laughter washed over you. Matthew Sturniolo was jealous. And he was none the wiser. Taking deep breaths in between your giggles, you wiped a few stray tears away. Matt looked at you like a lost puppy, his eyes following your every movement.

“What?” he asked, his fingers messing with the rings on his hands.

“It’s not funny!” but the smile on his face said otherwise. He couldn’t help it, seeing you happy always made him happy. “C’mon, what are you laughing at?”

You held onto his shoulder for support. “You are so clueless.”

His eyes widened at your statement. Suddenly his cheeks flushed again and he opened his mouth to say something, but ultimately decided not to. What was he clueless about?

Shaking your head at how oblivious he was, you finally just told him. “Matt, you’re jealous.”

“I- what?”

You smiled at him, pecking his cheek in the process. “Well there’s nothing to be jealous of. They really are just a friend.”

His skin buzzed at the contact of your lips on his skin. He wished that you did it more often.

Matt blinked at you a few times. Could it be? He knew he found you beautiful, and funny. He knew that sometimes he imagined cuddling with you on a stormy night - but he never thought too deep into it.

Jesus, you were right. He was clueless. And it took him this long to realize that he liked you.

He felt like an idiot.

“Let’s go, Matty. We really do have a movie to see,” you mocked the last part. Grabbing his hand in yours once more, you lead him to the movie screen.

You looked back at him briefly, your thumb rubbing the back of his hand.

“Maybe after this we can go get dinner?”

Turning your back to him, you kept walking, missing the dopey smile on his face as he stared at your hands yet again. It must’ve been the millionth time that he blushed today, his face feeling like it was in a constant state of unnaturally heating up.

He wishes he knew he liked you before. Then maybe this date could’ve come faster.

- - - - -

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭:

@lollibumblebee

@dwntwn-strnlo

@st4rgzer

@20nugs

@thetriplets3

@sunshinewwx

@gwenlore

@gabbylovesreading

@ssturniolo

@opheliaofficial07

@stargirlv0id

@mxqdii

@slaysturniolo

#sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #matt sturniolo imagine #sturniolo triplets x reader #matt sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo x reader #the sturniolo triplets #the sturniolos #stvrni0lo

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sopiao · 8 months

Text

No idea if this is just me and my type or anything. but i 100% believe that König’s is not toned or entirely muscular. he’s a lil chubby, has that middle ground of dad and greek god bod.

You can tell he’s strong just by looking at him, muscles showing through and protruding out more when he flexes.

ramble :3

I am religiously devoted to the idea that he’s thick, and I mean thick. The muscular thighs, round tummy, biceps the size of your head, and an ASS. No plastic surgeon can recreate that ass.

Yes, I know that it is not canonically true. Let me dream.

I like to think that he was usually very insecure about this, his physique. He’d cut very often at the gym but he always somehow gains it all back. It was sorta obvious when you two started dating.

But ever since you two moved in together and you started cooking meals you found yummy on social media, started feeding him like a loving grandmother. Always insisting that he hasn’t eaten enough and adding more onto his plate, to which he happily accepts.

He’s always happy to taste test your little samples or treats. After a while of this going on, he’s more open about his body and looks around you.

(Side track: He loves it when you pack him a lunch, loves it when you put together a meal in a little metal lunchbox and a drink in a matching thermos. Every day he’d show it off to the rest of the KorTac members, proudly displaying his gummy bears and cheez-its in a zip-lock bag.)

You’d try to boost his confidence and make him more comfortable in his own skin by hyping him up. Whenever you link arms with him or hold onto his arm you squeeze his bicep and go “Ohh, looks like I got me a strong man”.

Or when you’re bringing things down from shopping or groceries you’d say: “I need my big, strong, guy for help”

Or just general silly lil compliments or comments.

Some mornings he’d be in the living room with just pajama bottoms, chest galore all out for you to see.

I actually love the idea of him having little love handles or a lil muffin top. Something you should totally expect the first time he does this. Cuddling with König would be nirvana. Big, muscly arms wrapped around your waist and shoulders with his barrel chest smothering your face. You can’t breath but telling him mean that it would end :(

Hugging him would the the absolute-fucking-best. Just the little layer of fat on his body will make him a bit extra squishier, a soft pillow for you to squeeze when your feeling stressed. The endorphins and dopamine just releasing through the ridges of your brain. (that’s the best how i can explain it T-T).

Muscly and thick thighs that you use as a pillow sometimes. I feel like you’d even use it as some sort of table when you two eat in the car.

Going back to that absolute dump truck. It’s to be expected that you always give a light tap or squeeze whenever he walks buy. AND as a pillow :3 Like when he’s laying on his stomach on the bed and he’s on his computer, acting like a lil school girl. You always take the opportunity to use that ungodly thick man as a pillow. Maybe sneak a bite.

König with a round face and chubby cheeks. A daily task to pinch and bite on them, always giving a soft squeeze whenever you pass by.

“Are you blushing?”.

“No *sniff* they’re sore from this abuse” .

“Oh”.

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panda-writes-kpop · 2 months

Note

Hey I requested that last yunjin x gn reader can u do another one where they’re sitting at home and he’s trying to help her come up with a song for the new album thank you

my victory - "my sugar" ~ h. yn.

a/n: thank you for the request, and i hope you enjoy this! it's a bit short, my apologies in advance, my allergies are kicking my ass 🥲 it's a bit different than your request so i hope that's alright!

tw: reader is a simp (aren't we all)

♡ Masterlist ♡

summary: yunjin has trouble drumming up inspiration (me too girlie) for song lyrics on her upcoming album. As her partner, you take it as your responsibility to help her get out of the house and find her groove. and you get to spend time with your girlfriend - a win-win scenario!

"Babe, stop it!"

Yunjin's screech lands on deaf ears as you plant another wet kiss on her cheek.

"How am I supposed to focus when you-" She turns her head to face you, and you place a fleeting kiss on her lips, "now you're teasing me."

You lazily wrap your arms around her waist before pulling her away from the desk.

"C'mon, you've been looking at that laptop for hours and nothing has come to you. Why don't we go out for a bit so you can refresh your mind?" You suggest as she tries and fails to grab her laptop from the desk.

"I have to finish these lyrics before the deadline-" Yunjin tries to argue, but you shush her with another kiss to the lips.

"-which is a month away, and you're supposed to be relaxing when you're here visiting family and friends." You emphasize the word friends, as if the company that approved the trip wasn't already aware of your relationship.

You wanted to make the most of Yunjin being back in the States, but with her so focused on her group's upcoming comeback, you felt like Yunjin was with you without really being there with you.

"Alright." She reluctantly closes her laptop after you let her go from your arms. "What do you want to spend today doing?"

"You're such a fucking cheater." You scoff as you tally up the miniature golf score.

"You're the one who gave me the handicap." Yunjin accuses you as you roll your eyes.

"You said you were bad at mini golf!"

"I said I was bad at mini golf... when I'm without a handicap." Yunjin teases you as you finish adding the scores together.

"You failed to mention that when we started." You sigh as you show her the score card. "You got ten up on me, so you know what that means."

"I'm the winner?" She beams at you, and your crushing defeat is nothing compared to her happiness.

"You have to buy me a pity drink, as the winner."

"No fair!" She whines as you grab the car keys.

"It pays to be a loser." You shrug before unlocking your car.

"Cheers." You press your glass to hers. "To love, to us."

"And to sore losers." Yunjin jokes before taking a drink from her glass. "I'm glad you took me out for a date, babe."

"Me too, I can actually have some time with my girlfriend this week." You chuckle to yourself. "Feeling better now that you're out and about?"

"I am, despite your sarcasm, and I've got a few new ideas for that laptop." She presses a soft kiss to your cheek.

"Any of them involve me?" You lean in to kiss her on the lips before she pushes you away.

"None of them, actually." She scoffs after you kiss her. "But I haven't written any lyrics yet, so there's time for you to inspire a few."

You pull her in to another kiss to show your approval.

"Let's head back to my place so we can relax for a bit, and then you can write as long as you want, alright?" You pull her into your arms before she snatches the keys from your hand.

"One more drink?" She looks at you with pleading eyes.

"One more drink." You say confidently, as if the two of you aren't going to spend the rest of the night in each other's arms, the laptop and her work schedule long forgotten.

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bwabys-scenarios · 8 months

Note

Pls feed us Leorio girlies, please give us Headcannons. We are starving on the side of the road with no food, nary a NSFW Headcannon to keep us warm during the cold, cold winters. Please, donate your Leorio Headcannons to feed a starving fandom. ( I luv ur work btw it gets me through senior year of uni 🥰)

Leorio SFW/NSFW HCs

!!REBLOGS APPRECIATED!!

REQUESTS OPEN

warning: overstimulation, sex toys, oral(f+m receiving), pegging, period sex, nudes, mutual masturbation, cockwarming, dry humping

A/N: THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST I LOVE HIM DEARLY❤️❤️🙏🙏

taglist: @desiray562

if you would like to be added to the NSFW taglist, comment a ❤️!! make sure you have your AGE in your bio, and that you’re able to be tagged/mentioned!

SFW

-he’s literally the perfect man

-because he’s a doctor it’s not easy to gross him out. bled through during your period? he’s getting you a change of clothes and starting a bubble bath. threw up due to the flu/morning sickness? he’ll hold back your hair and whisper comforting words, saying you’ll be okay and it’ll be over soon

-you are his everything, he shows you off to his friends and is so happy they like you/you like them!!

-he will do pretty much anything to see your smile or make you laugh

-he absolutely ADORES you. calls you his princess, lovebug, sweet thing, sunshine

-absolute cuddlebug!! he loves cuddling with you on the couch, his palm resting on the small of your back while he gives you forehead kisses 🥰

-will take you out clubbing and make sure no one bothers you!! he’s so tall and muscular that no one approaches you while he’s standing guard over you

-before you start dating, he pines for you HARD. everyone can tell he’s in love with you but you, and it takes him months to finally ask you out

-very romantic, likes taking you out to dinners, walks on the beach, but also enjoys eating fast food together in your car while having idle chitchat. honestly any activity he does with you feels romantic to him, he’s in LOVE LOVE

-he is the best person to take care of you when you’re sick. not only is he a doctor, but he’s super empathetic and caring person that knows your needs almost better than you do

-he’s got such big hands, and they’re always touching you, whether that be holding your hand, your hip, or caressing your cheek!!

-in the morning, he usually wakes up before you and just stares at your face, caressing your cheek and pushing your hair out of your face. if you could see the tender, loving look in his eye you’d fall even more in love

-he would be such a good dad. I think he would be ready for kids in his mid twenties, so he’ll have graduated med school before he has kids.

-before he has kids though, Gon and Killua are your honorary children.

-when you do get pregnant, he’s extremely attentive, taking great care of you and your needs. he’s a doctor so if anything happens he’ll be able to help!

-buys you flowers and chocolates almost every week. he just can’t pass them off when he goes grocery shopping after a long and hard shift at the hospital.

-he likes to hold your hand when you walk together. he may be a bit shy with PDA, but he’ll show his love for you by gently rubbing his thumb against the back of your hand, his eyes full of adoration when he looks down at you

-jealous!! does not like when men’s eyes linger on your figure, or their hands get dangerously close to touching you. he’s the best guard dog, easily defending you from anyone that would try to hurt you!

-likes when you let him lay his head in your lap after a long day, rubbing your fingers through his hair and telling him what a good job he did. he’s got a lot on his shoulders, and it’s nice to be able to relax with you

-enjoys doing small intimate things for you, like washing your hair, shaving your legs, and applying lotion to your skin. anything to make him feel closer to you!

-loves the smell of your shampoo, and will always pull you a little closer when the two of you cuddle after your shower

-he’s a decent cook, and enjoys cooking with you! feels so loved when you ask him if he can taste test something for you, hearts forming in his eyes when you gently blow on the food before offering it to him

NSFW

-he’s a service dom when he dominates. he lives to please you and make you feel good! as a sub, he will let you do anything to him…

-Leorio is inexperienced and can be easily overstimulated with kisses alone. you can sit in his lap, tongue in his mouth and he’ll cum in his pants before you even touch him

-he’s putty in your hands. pull him down by his tie and he may just whimper. pin him against the wall, pull him closer by his hips and he’ll look down at you with half lidded eyes, a blush covering his face

-you’ll have to put up with him cumming really quick the first few times. he’s very shy and gets overly excited, but he can keep going! just be a little patient!

-his hands shake a little when he fingers you for the first time. he’s a little nervous, he’s scared he’ll hurt you! his fingers are big and can stretch you out plenty!

-7.5ish inches, girthy… he tries his best to be gentle and take his time with you, but he does end up moving too quick and cumming inside within the first 5 mins 😭🙏 he can go again though, and will fuck you until you’re satisfied!!

-appreciates a nice set of lingerie. send him all the pictures of you in your new panties and he’ll send back “AWOOGA” and a cumshot video 🙏

-mutual masturbation… loves to watch you play with your pussy while he jerks off. it also helps him learn exactly what makes you feel good so he can try it next time!!

-you ironically ask him for a video of him whimpering while he jerks off and he send it back within the next 5 minutes… it’s hot, and his hands tremble a little while he pumps his fat cock and moans your name

-if he needs to get off while you’re gone, he’ll call you and have you tell him about your day while he gets off to the sound of your voice

-he buys you any sex toys you want, as long as he gets to watch you use them!! he has his own toys but is a little more shy, you’ll have to convince him and get him very comfortable for him to let you watch him

-he loves your body, and will whisper words of worship and adoration when he touches you. he’s surprisingly sweet and loving, making every touch pleasurable

-he needs to be kissed and told that he’s making you feel good! he’s a little insecure and nervous the first few times you have sex, and needs reassurance!

-can be very subby… call him your sweet boy, your sweetheart, darling. cup his cheeks while you settle onto his cock and tell him just how nice he feels inside you and he’ll blush, wanting to hide his flustered face in your shoulder. hell whine and whimper, gasping when you clench around him and begging you to move faster ><

-his hands are almost always on your hips during sex. holding you in place, gently squishing and squeezing at your soft flesh. his thumbs will brush over your tummy as he kisses you, and you can feel the pressure of his fingers digging into your skin. it’s a reminder that he has you, and doesn’t want to let you go

-he would let you peg him if you wanted to. he won’t ask, but if you bring it up he’s like “yeah sure!”

-p-period sex with Leorio…

-he uses the doctor card saying something like “did you know that sex can help with cramps?” and gives you a hopeful look, playing with the waistband of your panties. he’s so tender, rubbing your back soothingly and making sure he’s gentle. he really does want to help you feel better, so the sex is very soft and sensual. he’ll never be rough with you when you’re on your period, not like he is when you’re off of it, but he’s especially gentle when you are

-literally so sweet and loving when you do get pregnant. he’ll let you cockwarm him, holding a hand over your baby bump while the two of you think of baby names. you’ve been a little hormonal lately and just wanna feel nice and full, so he’s happy to oblige

-blow jobs… he fucking LOVES when you suck his cock. look at him with those pretty eyes of yours, fondle his balls and he’ll cum almost instantly. honestly he’s really sensitive so just swirling your tongue around his tip is enough to get him off

-loves dry humping. he has you sit on his lap, guiding your hips so your clothed pussy rubs against the bulge in his pants. poor guy ends up cumming in his pants A LOT when he’s around you 😭🙏

-moans and whimpers while he eats you out. you can tell he’s enjoying himself, maybe even more than you are. he’s got his big fingers inside of you, moaning into your clit as he sloppily slurps and licks your pussy 💞💞

-he’s almost in shock when he has you moaning and squirming underneath him, begging for more. he’ll swallow thickly, pushing his cock in and kissing your forehead. “anything for you, princess.”

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aothotties · 9 months

Text

Hello! I’m Ari and I’m 1/2 of Aothotties. We’re two black women that like to write about our favorite anime men. This blog is 18+ so that means that if you’re younger than 18 you need to move along please and thank you. Anyways please enjoy the first piece of writing, it’s based off of ‘The Way’ by Kehlani

Warnings: NSFW, Established relationship, Reader is like 24+, a lil bit of overstimulation, Nanami being a bit of a tease.

Word Count: 1K

~~~~~~~~~

You so damn important

Everything you do shows me you know it

To Nanami you’re everything he could ever want and more. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky to have you in his life.

He loves the cute text messages from you reminding him to drink water, his favorite time of the day is when you call him on your way to work.

“It’s going to be a long shift so I’ll try and call you during my lunch break” you tell your boyfriend, making sure you focus on the road at all times.

“I could always come and have lunch with you in the café.” He offers and your heart melts at the thought.

“I’d take you up on that, but my break isn’t going to be until midnight, and that’s if I’m lucky. The hospital is busy around the holidays” you sigh as you pull into the parking lot and pull into your usual spot.

“That sound means you’re at work doesn’t it? I’ll let you go so you can get yourself together, call me if you need anything. I love you.”

You swear you feel your heart flutter each and every time he says those words.

“I love you too! Oh and I stopped by your house and left you some dinner. I made too much food and I know how you like to skip meals when you get busy. I hope you enjoy it, have a good night!” You end the call and get ready for work.

If you didn’t tell him how much he meant to you, you always made sure you showed it somehow.

He say the king where he come from

Take a young queen just to know one

To Nanami, money was never an issue and he always made sure to let you know that. Anything you wanted was yours, without hesitation. You needed help with student loans? Done. Your car needs gas? Already taken care of by the time you’re on your way home in the morning. He almost tried to buy you a car, but you turned him down.

Nanami would buy you the world if you wanted him too, he’s a hard working man who busted his ass for years to get to where he is today. His journey to becoming the CEO of his company was anything but easy, but it’s truly rewarding if it means he gets to spoil the love of his life.

“Those are nice.” you say to yourself as you scroll on your phone, taking a closer look at the ad that caught your attention.

“And that is?” Your boyfriend asked, handing you the wine glass you asked him to pour you after dinner.

“Oh it’s nothing, just these cute scrubs I saw while scrolling online. They’re the jogger kind and come in different colors.” You showed him a photo of the set and he took the phone from your hand and began to type.

“Baby what are you doing?” you lean over to see what he’s doing on your phone and he gently holds you back with one arm

“Just a second, be patient sweet girl” he says, one arm wrapped around your waist and the other hand typing on your phone quickly.

“Here, all done.” He hands you the phone and presses a gentle kiss to your forehead before standing up and walking towards the kitchen.

When you opened your phone up, you were met with a confirmation screen for the scrubs he just bought you.

“They’ll be delivered to your apartment tomorrow afternoon, I got you different colors, since you like to wear solid colors some days and then have those little cartoon characters on them other days.” You watch as he leans against the kitchen counter and you feel like you’re falling in love all over again.

We gon' wake your neighbors

Turn your block club to my fan club

“N-Nanami!” you moan out into the pillow below as he thrust into you from behind.

“Yeah princess? Cat got your tongue?” He grabs your hair in his fist and pulls you up so that your back is flush against his chest

You grip his thigh as he continuously pounds into your cunt like a mad man, his thrust not letting up as he keeps hitting your sweet spot.

“I-I’m so close baby, so f-fucking close.” You whimper loudly, biting your lip at the feeling of him pulling your head back farther onto his shoulder.

He leans his head down and presses his lips against yours, you could tell he was getting close by the way his hips begin to speed up. He wraps one of his large hands around your throat, giving it a light squeeze.

You began bouncing back on his dick quickly to try and reach your climax, Nanami forces your legs open with his free arm and begins rubbing your clit to help you reach your high.

You scream out loud as your cunt tightens around his dick and you reach your climax. You back continues to arch and you whine from the overstimulation of him continuing his thrust.

“N-Nanami s’too much. I-I can’t!” You whine loudly as he continues to bounce you up and down on his dick quickly.

“You can take it princess, go ahead and give me one more. I know you can baby.” He whispers in your ear, he grabs your jaw and turns your face up to look at him while he fucks into you.

You squeeze your eyes shut from the pleasure and he harshly presses his lips against yours giving you a sloppy kiss, he groans and bites your lip as he emptied himself inside of you.

He sighs against your lips before he pulls back and presses his forehead against yours, slowly trying to regain control of his breathing after the activities that just took place.

“Thank you for the scrubs” You say weakly as you begin to fall asleep in his arms, he smiles at how tired you instantly become and plants a kiss to your forehead.

“Anything for you sweet girl.”

#jjk #jjk smut #jjk x reader #jjk x black reader #jjk nanami #nanami smut #nanami kento #nanami x reader

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icyhottodo · 11 months

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DAY AND NIGHT ˚₊✩‧₊

summary: you have always been in love with your best friend, but you weren’t sure if he liked you back due to his behavior of flirting with many people, including you. but you finally get your answer when isagi takes you out.

contains: f2l-ish, it's implied to but yeah LOL, gn reader, 1.6k words, pinning from both sides, isagi calls you love, pretty, and babe.

nini’s notes: i quite literally hate this but the idea was cute in my head ok? (๑•́o•̀๑) i wanted this song to feel like day & night by jung seunghwan! you guys should give it a listen. lastly, thank you to ri (@riabriyn) for proofreading <3

people often call teenagers and young adults in the prime of their lives. the reason why? because they are old enough to gain more freedom from their family, they can escape situations more easily.

summer break so far has been quite boring; the weather was too hot for you to go anywhere fun. you were lying carelessly on the floor of your living room, just staring at the ceiling. until isagi bursts into your home, happily walking in. your home is a second home to isagi, so knocking is unnecessary for him.

"y/n! get ready; we’re going somewhere!" isagi excitedly jumped onto you after he found you. you made an ‘oomph’ noise due to isagi’s sudden weight.

"where are we going?

"that, my love, is a secret." he climbs on top of you and puts his index finger on top of your lips, showing how much isagi wanted to keep it a surprise.

isagi tends to be touchy with you and quite often calls you pet names. this usually causes misunderstandings between your friends because they think that both of you are dating, but isagi would always clarify, saying the relationship was purely platonic. nonetheless, whenever he is close to you or gives you cute nicknames, it always makes your stomach churn, not knowing if that feeling is good or not.

you turn your head to the side to avoid looking at his charming smirk, but you can't help but hide a smile forming on your face. "alright, isagi."

isagi gets off you and sits right next to you, saying, "go get ready and make sure you dress warmly; we’ll stay there at night."

the next thing you know, you’re in isagi’s car, driving through the streets, recognizing the roads until you no longer know where you are. with the soothing music on the radio and isagi’s humming, you start to feel tired. your eyelids slowly close with time until you lose consciousness.

"hey there, sleepyhead." you can feel a hand run through your head, massaging your scalp. the action was so soothing, it almost made you fall asleep once again.

"woah there, don’t go sleeping on me again, love. come on; we’re here." isagi stops massaging your head, making you whine. nonetheless effectively waking you up. sleepily, you look around your surroundings. you quickly concluded that isagi had brought you to a small local fair located in a park. so everything around you was surrounded by grass, children, vendors, and many people.

"come on! i’ll buy you as many snacks as you want. but not those carnival games; they’re a scam." isagi warmly smiles at you, quickly adding to that last sentence about fair booths. isagi holds out his hand to pull out of his car while saying that. damn. there goes your heart again. you hope isagi isn’t able to hear your heart pounding this fast. you take isagi’s hand, not wanting to leave him hanging for too long.

most of the rides were kid-friendly, so you weren’t exactly out of energy. after deciding you two were done with rides, you two went for the carnival games, and you scanned through the prizes for each carnival booth, which mainly consisted of plushies until an award caught your eye. the reward was a plushie of one of your favorite animals, and it was huge.

coincidentally, you and isagi approached the very same booth with the plushie that had caught your eye. isagi looked at the carnival game, and to his surprise, the game was a kick-and-score booth. the way to win is basically in the name; in front of the player is a cardboard wall with a soccer net painted. finally, a circular hole was carved out right in the middle of the soccer goal. all isagi needed to do was kick the soccer ball into that hole.

"one soccer ball, please," isagi said while pulling out the required tokens to play. this made you turn to isagi in confusion. you thought earlier that isagi had said these carnival games were rigged. now he is suddenly playing them? perhaps isagi is playing this game because the game is related to soccer, as you assumed.

and you weren't surprised when isagi’s soccer ball fits right through the carved-out hole, assuming that's why he won through the vigorous training he went through in blue lock. "wow, it's not easy to make that goal, kid." the booth keeper stated in awe. "which prize do you want? you can get anything." the booth keeper showed isagi all of the prizes he could choose from, but without a thought, isagi pointed at the very same plushie you were staring at minutes ago. your face quickly morphs into shock when isagi excitedly turns to you, handing over the plushie he worked so hard to gain.

"here, it's for you," isagi hesitantly said with an evident blush on his face. flustered by his actions, you still gratefully took the stuffed animal with a wide smile.

"thank you, isagi." you held the present up to your chest and held it tightly. you never mentioned anything about the plushie to isagi. but when you two approached the booth, isagi noticed that you were just staring at the prize you wanted. in his mind, he instantly knew he wanted to win that prize to make you happy. he’ll do anything to see you smile. "you two are such a cute couple. reminds me of me and my wife."

immediately, you and isagi turned to each other in confusion before turning back to the carnival booth keeper. right when you were about to deny the allegations of you two being a couple, isagi beat you to it.

"thank you." you blankly stared at isagi, taking a few seconds to comprehend what he just said. but before you could realize what he had said, isagi pulled you away and started to walk away before you could deny anything to the carny.

you didn’t know whether to say anything or not. opting to choose the first option, feigning ignorance about whatever happened earlier. isagi didn’t even approach any other carnival game after the first game.

you two continued to walk around the fair, eating some cotton candy or freshly made popcorn, until the sun started to set. isagi confidently interlocks his hand with yours, and he starts leading you away from the rides and off to the grassier areas. you can see people setting up blankets or even tents on the grass throughout the park. once you two found a clear spot, isagi let go of your hand and said, "hold on, i’ll be right back soon."

you stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. you waited for a few minutes until isagi ran back to you, holding two thick blankets between his arm and chest; the other was a picnic box. "here... i got these... for you." isagi puffs out from what you can safely assume was because of the running.

you helped isagi lay the blanket on the grass, and the two of you sat on it. isagi places the woven basket right in between the basket and opens it to grab something inside. you soon find out what isagi was looking for when isagi pulls out two white cloths along with two candles.

"we’re making lanterns!" isagi showed the white cloths excitedly. "it's a lantern festival." isagi continued, his hand gesturing to the people around you guys. when you looked you noticed each blanket had at least one shining light on them. you look up at the sky, and you can see the stars shining. you were brought back to reality when isagi jokingly accused you and asked, "babe, are you not going to help me build your lantern?"

you rolled your eyes, feigning annoyance, before scooting over closer to where isagi sat. in the midst of setting them up, isagi says, "we’re supposed to let these lanterns float at..." isagi checks the time on his watch: "eleven p.m., so in five minutes or so."

the time seemed to pass by quickly since you started to see people stand up and let their lanterns start to fly. you two start to get ready to release the lanterns. you hold the bottom of the lantern’s cloth and gently lift the light into the air with the countdown with isagi’s.

"wow." you exclaimed in awe, "the lanterns look so pretty." once the two your eyes sparkled from all the light from the lanterns and the stars.

isagi wished he had taken a photo of you; instead of looking at the lanterns, he was admiring you. his eyes stay on you and nothing else. "yeah, they look extremely pretty."

you noticed that isagi’s tone sounded a bit dreamy, which made you turn to him. who was already looking at you. your eyes widen slightly from seeing isagi turn pink from being caught by you; you were lucky to catch a glimpse of a flustered isagi because of all the lanterns. you laughed nervously. did isagi mean that you’re pretty? "isagi, you’re not even looking at the sky. how can you claim that the sky is pretty?"

"i mean, you are pretty."

#☆ bllk #bllk x reader #bllk #blue lock #blue lock x y/n #blue lock scenarios #blue lock x reader #blue lock imagines #isagi x you #isagi yoichi #isagi x reader #bllk isagi #blue lock isagi #isagi x y/n #bllk x you #blue lock x you

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phxntomsdusk · 5 months

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Baseball!Wilbur headcanons

tags: @lillylvjy , @ax-y10 , @joviepog , @pheliiaa , @idontreallyexistyet , @rqvii , @vibestillaxxx (ask to be added!)

Baseball!Wilbur who instantly got distracted when you first started showing up to games

Baseball!Wilbur who started talking to the coach more (aka, your dad), just so he could see you after practices and games

Baseball!Wilbur who got jealous when you were giving the other boys attention, but completely denied he even liked you, because you had zero interest in him

“It’s so obvious you’re into them.” His friend, Zach, nudged his shoulder while pointing at you talking to another teammate of his. “As if. They’re annoying.” He scoffed and looked away, crossing his arms over his chest. “Yeah, they think the same about you.”

Baseball!Wilbur who insisted you were the most annoying person he had ever met, but in reality he adored you and everything you said or did

Baseball!Wilbur who started waiting by the entrance of the dugout, just so you’d bump into him and he’d have an excuse to talk to you

Baseball!Wilbur who hated the fact you didn’t like him

Baseball!Wilbur who confessed after winning a game from the pure adrenaline rush he got

“We won! Oh my God, I could kiss you right now. I really want to, I’m like, in love with you.” He hadn’t realized what he said, his hands shaking your shoulder somewhat aggressively. “You’re.. what?”

Baseball!Wilbur who noticed when you stopped showing up to his practices and games

Baseball!Wilbur who did the cliche move of going to your house in the rain, confessing again, and ending it with a kiss

Baseball!Wilbur who introduced you to his music taste the second it was official between you two

“Chase Atlantic? Didn’t think you’d be into him.” You commented as you slowly turned up the radio in his car, watching a smile break out on his face. “I’m not like my sister.. did you think I listened to country too?” He nudged your arm, watching you smiled innocently and look away.

Baseball!Wilbur who started dedicating his good hits to you

Baseball!Wilbur who would take you on late night drives to random parking lots and fields

Baseball!Wilbur who buys you red and blue slushies, just for your mouths to end up purple.

“Why are your mouths.. purple? You got cherry and blue raspberry.” Wilma looked over at the two of you as you entered the house, awkwardly sharing a glance before giggling to yourself and ran up to his room, not before he shouted back to her. “New flavor! It’s called kissing!”

Baseball!Wilbur who relates you to a Cigarettes After Sex song

“Apocalypse? Why that song?” You looked at him with a curious expression, watching as he wore a cheesy smile. “Well.. your lips, my lips..” he quickly leaned over and kissed you softly, a hand finding it’s way on the side of your face. He slowly parted your lips after a moment or two. “Apocalypse.”

Baseball!Wilbur who plays guitar for you in his spare time

Baseball!Wilbur who gets too caught up with music and such before practices, earning a scolding from you and his mom

#phxntomsdusk #phxntoms fics #wilbur soot x you #wilbur soot x y/n #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot angst #wilbur soot fluff #wilbur soot headcanons #wilbur soot hcs #baseball!wilbur

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mostlysignssomeportents · 1 year

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When you hear "fintech," think "unlicensed bank"

Tomorrow (May 2) I’ll be in Portland at the Cedar Hills Powell’s with Andy Baio for my new novel, Red Team Blues.

In theory, patents are for novel, useful inventions that aren’t obvious “to a skilled practitioner of the art.” But as computers ate our society, grifters began to receive patents for “doing something we’ve done for centuries…with a computer.” “With a computer”: those three words had the power to cloud patent examiners’ minds.

If you’d like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here’s a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/05/01/usury/#tech-exceptionalism

Patent trolls — who secure “with a computer” patents and then extract ransoms from people doing normal things on threat of a lawsuit — are an underappreciated form of “tech exceptionalism.” Normally, “tech exceptionalism” refers to bros who wave away things like privacy invasions by arguing that “with a computer” makes it all different.

These tech exceptionalists are the legit face of tech exceptionalism, the Forbes 30 Under 30 set. They’re grifters, but they’re celebrated grifters. There’s a whole bottom-feeding sludge of tech exceptionalists that don’t get the same kind of attention, like patent trolls.

Oh, and the fintech industry.

As Riley Quinn says, “when you hear ‘fintech,’ think: ‘unlicensed bank.’” The majority of fintech “innovation” consists of adding “with a computer” to highly regulated activities and declaring them to be unregulated (and, in the case of crypto, unregulatable).

There are a lot of heavily regulated financial activities, like dealing in securities (something the crypto industry is definitely doing and claims it isn’t). Most people don’t buy or sell securities regularly — indeed, most Americans own little or no stocks.

But you know what regulated financial activity a lot of Americans participate in?

Going into debt.

As wages stagnate and the price of housing, medical care, childcare, transportation and education soar, Americans fund their consumption with debt. Trillions of dollars’ worth of debt. Many of us are privileged to borrow money by walking into a bank and asking for a loan, but millions of Americans are denied that genteel experience.

Instead, working Americans increasingly rely on payday lenders and other usurers who charge sky-high interest rates, on top of penalties and fees, trapping borrowers in an endless cycle of indebtedness. This is an historical sign of a civilization in decline: productive workers require loans to engage in useful activities. Normally, the activity pans out — the crop comes in, say — and the debt is repaid.

But eventually, you’ll get a bad beat. The crop fails, the workshop burns down, a pandemic shuts down production. Instead of paying off your debt, you have to roll it over. Now, you’re in an even worse situation, and the next time you catch a bad break, you go further into debt. Over time, all production comes under the control of creditors.

The historical answer to this is jubilee: a regular wiping-away of all debt. While this was often dressed up in moral language, there was an absolutely practical rationale for it. Without jubilee, eventually, all the farmers stop growing food so that they can grow ornamental flowers for their creditors’ tables. Then, as starvation sets in, civilization collapses:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/07/08/jubilant/#construire-des-passerelles

As the debt historian Michael Hudson says, “Debts that can’t be paid, won’t be paid.” Without jubilee, indebtedness becomes a chronic and inescapable condition. As more and more creditors attach their claims to debtors’ assets, they have to compete with one another to terrorize the debtor into paying them off, first. One creditor might threaten to garnish your paycheck. Another, to repossess your car. Another, to evict you from your home. Another, to break your arm. Debts that can’t be paid, won’t be paid — but when you have a choice between a broken arm and stealing from your kid’s college fund or the cash-register, maybe the debt can be paid…a little. Of course, digital tools offer all kinds of exciting new tools for arm-breakers — immobilizing your car, say, or deleting the apps on your phone, starting with the ones you use most often:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/02/innovation-unlocks-markets/#digital-arm-breakers

Under Trump, payday lenders romped through America. A lobbyist for the payday lenders became a top Trump lawyer:

https://theintercept.com/2017/11/27/white-house-memo-justifying-cfpb-takeover-was-written-by-payday-lender-attorney/

This lobbyist then oversaw Trump’s appointment of a Consumer Finance Protection Bureau boss who deregulated payday lenders, opening the door to triple digit interest rates:

https://www.latimes.com/business/lazarus/la-fi-lazarus-cfpb-payday-lenders-20180119-story.html

To justify this, the payday loan industry found corruptible academics and paid them to write papers defending payday loans as “inclusive.” These papers were secretly co-authored by payday loan industry lobbyists:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2019/02/25/how-payday-lending-industry-insider-tilted-academic-research-its-favor/

Of course, Trump doesn’t read academic papers, so the payday lenders also moved their annual conference to a Trump resort, writing the President a check for $1m:

https://www.propublica.org/article/trump-inc-podcast-payday-lenders-spent-1-million-at-a-trump-resort-and-cashed-in

Biden plugged many of the cracks that Trump created in the firewalls that guard against predatory lenders. Most significantly, he moved Rohit Chopra from the FTC to the CFPB, where, as director, he has overseen a determined effort to rein in the sector. As the CFPB re-establishes regulation, the fintech industry has moved in to add “with a computer” to many regulated activities and so declare them beyond regulation.

One fintech “innovation” is the creation of a “direct to consumer Earned Wage Access” product. Earned Wage Access is just a fancy term for a program some employers offer whereby workers can get paid ahead of payday for the hours they’ve already worked. The direct-to-consumer EWA offers loans without verifying that the borrower has money coming in. Companies like Earnin claim that their faux EWA services are free, but in practice, everyone who uses the service pays for the “Lightning Speed” upsell.

Of course they do. Earnin charges sky-high interest rates and twists borrowers’ arms into leaving a “tip” for the service (yes, they expect you to tip your loan-shark!). Anyone desperate enough to pay triple-digit interest rates and tip the service for originating their loan is desperate and needs to the money now:

https://prospect.org/power/05-01-2023-fintech-ewa-payday-loan-scam/

EWA annual interest rates sit around 300%. The average EWA borrower uses the service two or three times every month. EWA CEOs and lobbyists claim that they’re banking the unbanked — but the reality is that they’re acting as sticky-fingered brokers between banks and young, poor workers, marking up traditional bank services.

This fact is rarely mentioned when EWA companies lobby state legislatures seeking to be exempted from usury rules that are supposed to curb predatory lenders. In Vermont, Earnin wants an exemption from the state’s 18% interest rate cap — remember, the true APR for EWA loans is about 300%.

In Texas, payday lenders are classed as loan brokers, not loan originators and are thus able to avoid the state’s usury caps. EWAs are lobbying the Texas legislature for further exemptions from state money-transmitter and usury limit laws, principally on the strength of the “it’s different: we do it with a computer” logic.

But as Jarod Facundo writes for The American Prospect, quoting Monica Burks from the Center for Responsible Lending, a loan is a loan even if it’s with a computer: “The industry is trying to create a new definition for what a loan is in order to exempt themselves from existing consumer protection laws… When you offer someone a portion of money on the promise that they will repay it, and often that repayment will be accompanied with fees or charges or interest, that’s what a loan is.”

Catch me on tour with Red Team Blues in Mountain View, Berkeley, Portland, Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, DC, Gaithersburg, Oxford, Hay, Manchester, Nottingham, London, and Berlin!

[Image ID: A stately, columnated bank building, bedecked in garish payday lender signs.]

Image: Andre Carrotflower (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:30_North_%28former_Pontiac_Commercial_%26_Savings_Bank_Building%29,_Pontiac,_Michigan_-_entrance_and_Chief_Pontiac_relief_sculpture_-_20201213.jpg

CC BY-SA 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/deed.en

#pluralistic #cfpb #earned wage access #digital armbreakers #loansharks #payday lenders #tech exceptionalism #jubilee #debt #fintech #usury #michael hudson #graeber #debts that can't be paid wont be paid

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writingduhh · 6 months

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Jschlatt || Christmas Morning HCs

Hope this is alright! 🎄

▷ I feel like Schlatt is very particular about how things are done on Christmas, he likes to adhere to the traditions you’ve created or the ones from when he was a child.

▷ “Y/n, it’s time to wake up. It’s 7:06, we’re late.” Schlatt softly spoke, softly shaking your shoulder in attempts to wake you up.

“Hm?” You grumble, peaking your eyes open to meet his as he lay in front of you.

“It’s time get up! You’ve got presents to unwrap.”

“Can’t I have like 10 more minutes?”

“Nope. It’s time to get up.”

Suddenly you felt yourself being lifted into the air. Carefully he made his way down the stairs with you in his arms, the soft glow of the Christmas tree softly illuminating the living room. He softly sat you down on the couch, tugging a near by blanket over your body before making his way over to the tree. He dug around the pile of gifts before bringing you a whole stack of colorfully wrapped presents.

▷ You can tell he wrapped the presents himself, topped with a name tag and bow. (awwww)

▷ He absolutely SPOILED you. Sure you added a few things to your Christmas list like he had requested, but you didn’t expect him to get everything and more!

▷ Even the cats got you gifts! Well… more like schlatts excuse to buy you more gifts.

▷ He absolutely adores every single gift you got him. He’s not used to someone spoiling him in return. Turns into a big softy

▷ Watching / filming the cars open their gifts as if they’re your kids

▷ After opening up gifts it’s time to get dressed to visit family members!

▷ He insists on coordinating outfits whether it’s matching sweaters or even just matching with red and green. (Imagine him in formal wear tho)

▷ He is constantly touching you. Whether it’s a hand on your back, thigh, or just resting his hand on yours. He always insists that you sit on his lap whenever you’re on the couch.

▷ He makes sure everyone knows who you belong to

▷ If you have any siblings he would definitely spoil them, splurging on whatever their interests were or just anything that would win their approval.

▷ As night falls and you return home he immediately changes into some comfy attire. He ends up caring you up to bed with him before crashing onto you, his head buried in your chest.

▷ “Merry Christmas y/n, thanks for making this the best year yet.”

“No, thank you. You absolutely spoiled me, and my siblings.” You softly say, kissing his forehead.

“Well I love you, what else am I supposed to do?” He defends, tightening his grip around your waist.

#chuckle sandwich #chuckle sammy #ted nivison #jschlatt #jschlatt x reader #jschlatt hcs #schlatt hcs #schlatt x you #schlatt imagine #schlatt x reader #schlatt #jschlatt fluff #jschlatt angst #jschlatt imagines #jschlatt imagine #jschlatt fanfic #jschlatt x you

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ctitan98official · 4 months

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@lesbeansimpzombie : Hi!! Can you please do Miranda Priestly and Y/N when they first met. Y/N is a new fashion designer and they came to Runway to shoot their shot to be feature in the magazine. If you can't, I understand. Hope you have a nice day!!

Yes! I love it! (I can also imagine a Devil Wears Prada AU for RE8 with Alcina as Miranda Priestly… Has that been done??) Let’s get into it!

You were running late and trying not to freak out. This was your big moment to showcase yourself as a designer and you had encountered nothing but trouble since you woke up.

First, your car wouldn’t start. You were fine, though. You’d catch a ride from a friend or something. However, when you went to grab your phone, you realized you couldn’t find it. Where the hell was it?! You were too broke to afford a landline, so you had no way to contact anybody outside of email… You decided you would have to ride your bike and hope that someone at the shoot would let you borrow their phone if you needed to.

You headed off, with three overstuffed garment bags draped over you, when some jerk almost ran you over! You crashed into the back of a parked dump track. Luckily, you weren’t severely hurt, just a gash on your forehead and arm… Your bike, unfortunately, was not so lucky. The front wheel was completely bent. You couldn’t ride it anymore.

As you started walking up the street, trying desperately to get to the Elias Clarke building, you spotted somebody skateboarding in your direction. You flagged them down, and probably looked crazy with your giant garment bags and scraped up face. You held out your wallet and told the person that you had exactly fourty-four dollars inside. You begged them to take it so you could buy their skateboard off of them. They must have felt bad because they immediately said yes. You cheered and jumped on the board to try and make up some time. You had been a bit of a skater since high school, so it looked like things might be turning in your favor.

You finally made it to Elias Clarke and hopped off the board to check-in with security. They gave you a day badge and you made your way to the elevators. When you got there, you saw a frantic little red head looking all around.

She spotted you and rolled her eyes, quickly walking over. “You must be Y/N L/N. You’re late.” She said in a disdained British accent.

“Sorry, I just-” You tried to say but she held up a hand, not interested.

“Miranda’s already dismissed three models today because she’s so angry. You’d better hope you’re a decent designer.”

She waved you into the elevator and you clenched your jaw. You didn’t want anybody getting in trouble because of you.

“I’m really sorry about the models. If you give me their information, I’ll be happy to pay their fees for the day… If I can afford it.” You offered and grimaced.

Emily looked at you in disbelief. Most of the designers she ran across were arrogant and rude. She soon recovered, though and cleared her throat before she shook her head.

“Don’t be ridiculous. They’re managed by huge agencies. They’ll just get another gig. You’re not important enough to put anybody out of a job.” She crossed her arms. “Besides, they were horrible divas anyway.” She added with a sneer.

You start laughing. This woman seemed more like a caricature than a real person, but you liked her style.

Emily groans and as the elevator dings, she is immediately speed-walking out of it. For such a tiny person, she can haul ass. You readjust your bags, and your new skateboard, and Emily leads you into a large studio.

She’s met by a middle-aged man in black spectacles. He looks you up and down, seemingly bemused.

“This is the newest hot thing in fashion?” He asks the redhead, clearly unimpressed.

“Hi, I’m Y/N.” You go to shake the man’s hand and he just looks at it like you are contagious.

“I’m Nigel, the art director.” He says, now looking you over more closely. He points to your injuries. “You’re going to want to wrap those up, Roadhouse. Miranda can smell blood from her office.”

You nervously scratch the back of your neck and remember your arm and head are still bleeding. “Could I get a bandaid?” you ask, embarrassed.

“Ten minutes late and you are making demands?” A cool voice says from behind you. “Thrilling.”

Everyone around you looks petrified, even Nigel and Emily. You turn around to see a beautiful woman with strikingly coifed snow-white hair. You involuntarily swallow and stand straighter.

The woman regards you for a moment but says nothing. She then turns to Nigel and the two of them walk over to a more secluded corner to discuss the photoshoot.

The startled look you shoot Emily has her once again rolling her eyes at you. “That is Miranda Priestly. You will only speak to her when spoken to and whatever you do, do not ask her questions. You are in no way to call her Mrs. Priestly. It’s Miranda, got it?”

You nod your head. “She’s the editor?” You ask.

Emily smirks. “She is your chance at a career. Do not disappoint her.” The redhead briskly walks off then.

You clear your throat and look over to the quietly intimidating editor. She had already been staring at you but when your eyes meet she looks away, disinterested.

You winced.

You had made a perfectly disastrous first impression… Things could only go up from here, right?

Note: Ahh, I loved writing this so much!

Masterlist

#miranda priestly #the devil wears prada #dwp #miranda priestly x reader #devil wears prada #emily charlton #nigel kipling #meryl streep #emily blunt #stanley tucci #miranda priestly x y/n #y/n is stupid

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harrysfluff · 1 year

Text

Are you sure?

A/n: Whoa another one?! Crazy! But for real, now that I’m on break I’m just clearing my drafts from the year

Summary: Lost luggage = baby

TW: sex

“I can’t believe it. Ugh it’s just so annoying, you know?” You pause for a moment. “You know what I can’t do anything about it, it’s fine.” Another pause. “Actually no it’s really frustrating,” you continued to vent. Your hands buckling your seatbelt, as you settled yourself in the car. The dense Italian heat felt heavy against your skin as you fiddled with your hair in an attempt to keep it from sticking to your neck. You crossed your arms, chewing the inside of your cheek. “And you know they’re not gonna call. It’s probably gone forever!” You imagine.

Harry slid in after you pulling you close to his side. “Baby, it’s going to be okay. I know this stuff is irritating but it’s not the end of the world,” Harry soothed, tucking your hair behind your ear. “Lots of people have their bags lost by airlines all the time.”

“I know but it had my clothes in it. Like what am I gonna wear?” You complained. Although his touch was usually comforting, it felt like heavy stones adding more weight on your skin. “I just wanted us to have a nice vacation! Ugh I’m sorry, I’m probably ruining this. I’m sorry, i just... am frustrated,” you said, trying to calm down. You began to rub your face in hard movement an attempt to destress.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Things like this can be frustrating but it’s gonna be alright. We can get you new clothes,” Harry reassured.

“What about all my makeup?” You whined jutting out your bottom lip slightly.

“I like you better without it.”

“Toiletries?”

“We can get that here too,” Harry laughed. “Babe, everything and anything you could possibly need or want we can get. You don’t have to stress.”

You could feel the weight coming off your body. “Thank you,” you say coming closer into his body. “I’m starting to feel a lot better. I think I’m just tired and feel gross from the flight.” You lean your head on his shoulder. “I just need sleep.”

“Don’t worry we’ll be at the hotel soon,” Harry pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Maybe you can sleep now.” He moved your head, his arm reaching over you pulling you into his side.

“Yeah,” you spoke softly. Your eyes gently closing as the car drove away from the airport.

“You spent so much on me. I feel bad,” you uttered, while climbing into bed. You grabbed the hand lotion from your night stand, rubbing the jasmine cream into your hands. Harry laid next to you, his fingers tapping away at emails. You had noticed Harry was more stressed lately yet he never gave a clear reason as to why when you asked him. Hence you thought that an Italian vacation would be relax him but he still seemed tense. It must haven been bigger than an album or a movie deal. “I would have paid, but someone already had gotten it before I did,” you sneered. You turned on your side, watching him type away on his laptop.

Harry had his lips twisted to the side as his fingers would type something then quickly press the delete button then type again. “Sorry what? Oh yeah.” Harry pushed the laptop off his lap turning his body to slightly face you. Inhaling sharp, Harry sat up against the headboard. “I mean I just wanted to take care of it. I knew how stressed you were with it.”

“I know but still I don’t want this to be one sided,” you confessed.

“Hey, it was my treat. Don’t worry about it,” Harry assured shaking his head.

You bit the inside of your cheek, as you processed the thought yet it was quickly disbanded by the a new thought. “Hey, actually I need to tell you something. So apparently, my luggage had my birth control in it. So that’s a bit of a bummer,” you explained. “I mean we could grab some condoms or something, but we need to get them soon. But I worry we can’t read Italian very well and what if we buy the wrong size? Oh god that will be awkward.”

“Y/n, you know-”

“I mean what is ‘super massive’ in Italian,” you teased, laughing to yourself.

“Very funny, but no. You know, I’ve been thinking,” Harry readjusted himself. Sliding his body down to your level, his arm coming underneath his head while his other hand came up to lightly traced the skin on your arm. “What if we didn’t use anything.”

You sat up on your elbows, alerted by his comment. “Wait, what do you mean?”

“I mean, like what if we didn’t use anything. Like anything at all. No more pills or condoms... just us,” he answered. His eyes stayed staring at his fingers tracing circles.

“But then we’ll have a baby. Wait are you telling me you want a baby?” You asked knitting your brow.

“I think so, yeah.” Harry took a deep breath, “Yeah I want to have a baby with you,” he admitted. “You know I’ve been thinking for a while that maybe it’s time. I don’t know. I just feel like I’ve been growing my career a lot and I’m happy with it but now it’s time to grow something else. I guess literally,” he chuckled. Harry’s hand left your skin and flew to his eyes rubbing them. “I just want a baby and I want it with you. I’m ready to take a break from everything and really be present with here with you. I think lately I’ve also realized that I’ve maybe stalled us and the family we want to build, so I want to prioritize that now. I’ve already talked to Jeff about slowing things down for a while and I know this seems spontaneous or irresponsible but we’ve been together for 6 years. I’m ready to start something bigger and even more I want to do it with you.”

“Well you know, I want children and I do want a child with you and it makes me feel better that you’re taking a break but Harry we aren’t married,” you argue. “I know we don’t have to be married to raise a child or anything but still I don’t want to screw something up. Sometimes I feel like we lack that security and it scares me.”

“Yeah I get that. Y/n I would marry you right now if that’s what you wanted, I would do anything for you. I just feel this is what I want right now. This is how I want to start our family.” Harry’s eyes finally met yours. It was evident he was nervous, his eyes darting back and forth, analyzing your face.

You drew a sharp breath inward. Your heart began to race as scenarios ran through your head each while displaying a lifetime flew by in seconds. “I want this too and if you’re slowing down then maybe I wouldn’t have to give up my work. You could stay with the baby. We would almost be a normal family.” You grinned, your teeth drawing you lip into them.

Harry smiled back at the agreement. “So you will have a baby with me?”

“Yeah, I would love to.”

This has to be the most awkward sex you had ever had with Harry. There was no denying the sexual chemistry between the two of you and yet all of that seemed to disappear in this moment. Harry laid on top of you, his forearms coming down on each side of your head. His hips moving in slow awkward bursts. “Is that alright?” He kept asking which was always met with an ‘yeah’ from you.

“I just don’t want to hurt you or anything,” he assured, with a pause in his movements. You were honestly a bit disappointed. This was the man who would tie you up, spank your ass till it was red with his handprint, and even poured wax on you to see you writhe under the heat. Therefore, you frankly had no idea who was on top of you.

“H, can we stop for a moment?” You say, pushing him gently off of you.

“Oh shit sorry, am I hurting you? I’m so sorry,” he apologized, pulling himself out of you.

“No no, it’s not that. I just... I’m not glass, you know like you can be more rough with me. Like you usually are,” you hinted hoping he would act normal. Your hand gently pushed the hair out from his forehead, “I like when you’re like that,” you shyly admitted.

“Oh shit sorry, yeah erm let me try that,” he said clearing his throat. Harry realigned himself with your entrance, pushing his way inside. You let out a moan at the feeling of his fullness. He brashly moved his hips forward which you grimaced at the feeling. He then tried moving them faster assuming that might be better and yet was again very wrong. It was as though he had forgotten how to have sex entirely.

“Okay, that’s it,” you declare pushing him completely of you. Harry pulled himself away from, curling his legs behind himself. “Honey what is going on? You’re fucking me like you’re like you have never heard what sex is so what’s going on,” you confront.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just in my head a lot, like suddenly I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Is it because of the whole trying thing?”

“Yeah, I really don’t know why I’m so freaked, we’ve done this plenty of times and I know I want this so I’m not sure what is going on. Ugh I’m really sorry.” He said collapsing on the white sheets. “I want this to be good.”

“Hey,” you comfort, crawling towards him. “Don’t worry about all that stuff. It’s just me, and here let me help.” You coax, grabbing his arms so he would sit up with with. You positioned him on his knees behind you wrapping one of his arms around your chest and leading his other hand to your core. Grabbing his cock you realigned yourself again with your back firmly pressed against his bare chest. Sliding down on him, you both begin to move in sync with each other’s bodies. “Here just keep moving with me,” you continue to speak softly allowing Harry to adjust. You then move Harry’s hand in slow circles on your clit, letting the feeling wash over you.

Harry felt his skin melting into yours, the way he could feel himself completely letting go. His lips sucked gently on the neck of your skin as his hand placed more pressure on your clit. “Oh fuck that feels so good,” you cry out. Your eyes close throwing your head back onto his shoulder giving him more access to your neck. Harry slid the tip of his tongue down the curve of your neck sending shivers down your spine. Between the tongue, clit work, and the deep thrusting of his cock, you were being completely unraveled under his touch. “H that’s perfect.”

“Yeah, I might want to switch it up a bit,” he whispers in your ear. His lips pressing a kiss to your ear.

“Okay how do you want me.”

Harry pushed you off of him, laying you down gently on your back. He came down on top of you, hiking up your legs to allow more movement. “I want you just like this. I want to see cum just like this.” He pushed himself again into you. His hips rolled into you. Your arms wrapped themselves against his neck, pulling him into your chest. His hot skin on yours created a warm comfort over your body. “Just like this,” he whispered again. Your hand slid down your body to your clit, rubbing it in tight circles. The feeling of your hand made Harry jerk his hips back, allowing more access for you.

“Oh Harry, I’m gonna cum, yeah right there.” Harry’s hips began to move faster, harder as his face began to scrunch up. “Fuck me Harry!” You screamed as you could feel your pussy expand as you reached your climax.

“Oh shit Y/n. I’m gonna cum too,” he let out. His eyes shutting tight. “Oh fuck!” He moaned, his release shaking throughout his body. His hips gave a few more thrusts to ride out the full high. His hips can to a stop, his finger delicating running through the hair around your forehead. “I just want to stay like this forever. I love you y/n,” he said his eyes staring down at yours.

“I love you, too, H.”

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