#(it's hard to explain what being gay for someone means for me as an aroace. because it's not ACTUAL romantic/sexual attraction

[yardsards]

that time when i was like 12 years old at girl scout camp and this girl in my troop saw me going to bed listening to my mp3 player. and she started fussing over me because she was worried i would get my headphones wrapped around my throat in my sleep. and i told her i fell asleep listening to music like that every night and nothing bad ever happened but i promised to take them off before i fell asleep that night anyway. and she looked so relieved at that

and for couple weeks after that, every time i listened to music before falling asleep i remembered that girl and felt warm inside. cuz it was so nice to have someone care about my safety that much even if the thing she was fussing about wasn't actually dangerous at all. because i was just THAT starved for anybody to care about my well-being

[whats-amata-you]

Man it’s weird being trans. Like yeah I did always know, I did my googling waaaaaaay back in middle school and found the gender vs sex rabbit hole when I was like 11 on ye olde 2004 Wikipedia, I prayed for years for god to let me be some kind of intersex that just looks female so I wouldn’t get boobs or periods, I asked my Texan dad to call me “sir” instead of “ma’am” when I was maybe 7 and he did for a week before he realized I wasn’t going to get sick of it.

But I didn’t always KNOW. I grew up under this weird kind of rock made of autism and whiteness and being middle-class and non-denominational Christian, so I was brought up believing everyone was basically the same, and then there were The Weird Ones, but The Weird Ones were usually fine as long as they weren’t being “in your face” about things. I knew that there were men and there were women and there were intersex people, I knew what was expected of men and what was expected of women. But I didn’t know how the cishets ACTUALLY saw the queers. I didn’t know the consequences of being born in a female body but insisting on being a boy. I didn’t know what my transness would actually cost if I pushed too hard for it.

And no,I didn’t try, because I didn’t know it was an option, obviously. But I’d never seen trans people anywhere before, never heard of them outside that Wikipedia article, never saw them referenced in media (we only got PBS until I was 16 and by then I was disinterested in almost anything outside my hyperfixations). I heard about gay people, and how it was wrong to sleep with someone of the same sex, but it was the lukewarm distaste of casual homophobia that just “doesn’t want to see it.” The biggest cost I actually saw to queer people was just… people not wanting to see them kiss their partner. As an aroace kid, I didn’t understand why that would be a big deal for either side.

I’d only heard of HIV and AIDS in dry, clinical explanations in sex ed. “It’s a sexually transmitted virus so use a condom every time, it also spreads via needles so don’t do drugs. The virus works like this and destroys your immune system so even a cold can kill you. You cannot get it by breathing their air or touching them or using a toilet seat or whatever, it has to be bodily fluids and usually not saliva. It’s incurable and fatal.” In retrospect, I learned WAY more about HIV/AIDS than a lot of kids did back in the late 90s and early 2000s, so that’s a mark in favor of Washington state (or maybe just that particular school district). But I never, not even once, heard queer people of any type and AIDS mentioned in the same sentence. I never heard of “the AIDS crisis” or its impact on the queer community until after I graduated high school and met a queer or two on the internet.

My old mentor Orion would probably have been shocked and appalled. She must have lived through and seen so much that I never knew about up until the last couple years, actively chasing down this elusive thing called “queer history” that I’d never known existed until I created a tumblr account in 2017.

I’m an aroace gay gnc trans masc enby. I could fill an entire book just explaining all the different aspects to my own queerness that I’ve found over the years. Most of it is just stuff I found words for, not things I didn’t already know about myself. And I never, until 2017, had any clue what any of it actually means in the context of society, culture, or politics.

I dunno what to do with that. I’m gonna chew on it for a while longer.

[fantomette22]

Heyy, how/when you realised you were aro and ace? It is always interesting for me to listen to how people found themselves. (I still haven't xD)

Alright it's time !

Ok so I actually got lot to say and could talk about that subject for hours lol but the more I thought about it the more I have to say and the more some specifics things exhaust me and remind me of not really great stuff so let's keep it simple ! (+ there's a few personal stuff I don't wanna discuss publicly

Process to do a whole explanation on aromantism and asexuality in the first part...

First should i explain simply what is asexuality and aromantism are 🤔 ? I can understand it can be a bit complex for people who don't know what it is. Even I got confused at times XD

I will try to explain really simply here and I'm not the best at explaining stuff. So for more info there's the Aven website for exemple and there's many other cool sources online 👍

So to put it really really simply someone asexual is someone who don't feel or experience sexual attraction ((like most people.)) (Most of the time it don't ever happened at all but it can be extremely rare (gray ace) or it happened only get it if you're really close to someone (Demi ace).

The way I personally saw it is that I'm not going to go somewhere and want to hook up with the first nice/pretty person I meet in a bar and is interest in me or smt for exemple XD. (I know it's really cliché sorry, glad to know not everyone actually do that too lol but you get the idea. It happened to some people and it's ok I hope they have lots of fun everyone ! 👍 Really when I was a kid it got me super confused to see that in movies and still today I'm like ?????? ok sure ??? have fun ??? like theoricaly I know it work but I can't experience it .I can't relate, that would be just forcing myself do something I don't wanna do.)

Asexual can still experience romantic attraction and want to do normal dating stuff too. Like it's just there's not that super interest in the other thing you know XD they're not after you're booty (I can't believe I'm writing this)

And aromantic is really similar, it's when someone who don't experience romantic attraction ((like most people)). Or some do experience it really rarely or after a really close bond with smn. Still they can experience sexual attraction.

Personally I found hard to understand why people would date smn when they don't know each other very well? And then learn to really know each other when they date? That's completely ok but I really can't imagine myself with someone who's not a close friend of mine that & I knew for a while at the very least. Like what if you find out they're not a good person or an absolute idiot or you realize your life projects are incompatibles?? That's too scary for me💀

Like I understand how that work theorically but if a friend tell me they had a crush on smn we saw like just a few times I would bet so confuse.

Then aroace is well both things XD

Disclaimer : yes an aromantic person can still enjoy/want to date someone and an asexual person can still have/want and enjoy being intimate with someone. Some on the contrary are completely revulsed by it that and will never want to do that. And for some it depends. It's kinda a spectrum and depends what the person is comfortable with and might depends a bit of the other partner too. + people grow and a few things might fluctuate or not.

It's all about feeling ATTRACTION. Like for exemple a hetero girl (normally) is not going to be attracted to like another girl. And a gay man will be well attracted to men. What people don't always equal what they're attract too.

Still you know you can have aesthetic attention and stuff like that. Like : oh that person look pretty or pleasing to look at #stantardbeauty stuff made by society. But I don't find them hot💀 dafuq does that even mean XD (now I think I might get it. I'm unsure lol) More likely that I would very much prefer to be friends with smn really out of the standard look for exemple.

I won't see a person (ok more a picture or smt) with less clothes on for exemple and be like "oh" 😳. Like that's just a person WHAT DO YOU MEAN ???????

The closet I get too is : oh this characters (maybe work for people too) look super cool ! 👀🥺idk how to explain they look so cool and nice and pretty. Hm

+omg teenager (pre teens especially) talking about s3x all the time omg 💀 why?! Like it annoyed me so much I just wanted to talk about manga, books, movies and video games XD when it's serious convo it's cool but I didn't get it and those dumb jokes 😂 (some ace do many jokes too depends of the person). I really didn't like the subject at all (especially in not fiction) but now I'm way more ok with it in fiction now 👍 and with it in general I I think? (the jokes I mean)

I know my ideas of romance and all (in fiction hm) is the most vanilla and fluff things ever too (ok I imagined angst in my head smt) XD but I also need moments to compensate you know ^^' ?

OK now that the presentation is done. let's answer to the main question XD. I hope I explain correctly ahaha 😅 (I can't even do that easily in real life...)

Well, I think I kinda knew something was up when I was a pre teenager but I didn't knew the right terms at the time. I didn't knew/understood that most people were well allo sexual/romantic (who experience romantic and sexual attraction easly👍 the opposite of ace and aro)

So I fully realized I was ace then aro (some times after) and came across the terms in hm 2017 if I remember correctly ? Or wait maybe in 2018? (thank you teenager crisis and depressed state I can't remember this period well !) So when I was 16+ after my first year of high school. (But like first and last time I had a boyfriend I was like 10 years old lmao. I liked him but I was happy because everyone was happy you. Almost got with a friend at 12 but didn't work out. )

So hm high school happen and some of my friends and I got new cool friends and we become a super group of friends ! (only like a fw couples formed and it's cute <3 and I thought I had a crush and 1 if not 2 of my new friends 💀 that was a platonic crush Fantomette you didn't wanted do to anything with them pat pat

Then months later I come across the sacred word ! 🙏 : asexual

"Oh wait that's me" -big aro and ace moment (and much later aromantic)

Still figuring things out today because it's quite complex but yeah 100% sure I'm on the acespec spectrum. And well I don't really experience this types of attraction for what I'm aware of. But who knows it is possible I found someone I feel comfortable and close enough with to be in a relationship (even a queer platonic relation ship hehe) but well I don't wanna bet on thet so who knows.

I think I have friends on the spectrum (irl) too but sadly we didn't really talked about it that much.. only with a few non close friend from high school and we kinda loose touch. But I'm happy I know more people who well understand. My friends we really acceptant but some didn't all really fully understand and I can understand that but somedays were not fun XD but well they're great friends (+ with well a few people who are themself queer or really understanding of that it help. But it's nothing compared to the dumbasses who were really not nice (the worst if that some saying the most mean thing were even lgbt+ themself 😭and I could say nothing like I couldn't just came out to them not a good idea I hate most of my classmates from 2020-2022 sorry guys &lt;;/3 and I can't really blame my relatives who didn't understand well, they might try their but it's complicated

+ I can count the people who show interest in me (that I'm aware of) since high school on my fingers. Like some days I really wanna have a soulsmate or smt (or maybe someone I will be close to but at our rhythm) because yes having someone to share your life with can be cool and sounds nice? but the second someone (I don't know well) show interest in me I'm like :

NO THANK YOU I'M NOT INTEREST HELP WHAT DO I DO

Somedays I think meh maybe I could try ??? but idk.

So well if that happened that happened cool ! if that don't happened that don't happened ! I just wish people just weren't annoying about it. The "have you a boyfriend ?" question traumatized me I think XD I mean it's not like the first question I would ask smn, but when it's been a while you saw a friend or relatives or are knowing someone slowly it can be important to know if they share they're life with smn, normal. So in normal circumstance I wouldn't mind but hm... the commentaries after 🙄, when I answer "no" sometimes it's gold ! Like don't ask me why ! bruh do I ask why you don't have/have a boyfriend/girlfriend or why you're married or why you have children???? or how don't worry you will find the right one later ! LIKE please don't. I understood super late it's actually reassuring for allo but it's not for me 😅 Like I wish too smt lol but there's lot of chance it don't happened too so pls. Can people just say it's ok if that don't happened more ;-; that you can be happy and accomplish great things on while living on your own (or not the usual family definition) and it's ok ?

Sorry for the rant just don't do that to people whatever their orientation are you don't know know what they have going on in life. Just a "ok" and move on. Or I guess you could ask more but only if the person wanna talk about it you know. So yeah when someone ask me the question (more when it's relatives I know well) it really really annoy me all the time. But well I was lucky it could been worse. Still not cool but I wish everyone didn't had go through more awful things.

(Also strangely maybe I dodge huge bullets because I just wasn't interest to the first person who came so... fair enough. And damn how do you know smn crush on you or smn else ?? I am so bad to saw that thing XD)

Ok that was long I ramble a bit XD I just needed to express myself x) I will stop here.

I have a lot on the heart and not lying some days it's hard I wish it was simpler but I don't see how I could be happy otherwise. (SO goal n°1 in my life : finish study, have a job, a house & adopt cats or smt. Optional goal : maybe found a fellow person to hang hung with me ! Or at least cool friends x)

And I'm so happy to knew otherace and aro and aroace persons online 🥺❤️ and really supportive person in general.

So yes I'm glad I learned about this and hope I can help people to learn a bit about it as well. It's really important for many. And I wish there were more stuff about it. It's complicated to understand what you cannot fully understand and ever experiment but it's important to just be kind and open and to accepted.

So love you everyone bye bye~

[absyn-th]

what i call myself

if you got redirected here from my pinned post, thanks for being here. if you didn't, i'll say some of the stuff i said there. i call myself transfem, nonbinary, polysexual, and grey-aroace. if you dont mind the word, i'm also okay with being called queer as a blanket term, and honestly, i generally just call myself "trans and queer" to other lgbtq+ people who barely know me. i'm going to explain what each of those words mean to me, and you can use some of them, none of them, or different words for me if you want. i dont know who would want to read all this about some random person on the internet, but it's here for you if you do for some reason. think of it as "the long answer" to every time i give someone "the short answer" on what i identify as.

i call myself:

transfem+nonbinary: (and sometimes also just "gender non-conforming" or gnc) i call myself transfem as in "transfeminine", not "trans female". thats why i feel comfortable calling myself transfem and nonbinary - i would call myself feminine presenting and nonbinary identifying, or would also be comfortable with being called "fem nonbinary". i feel like i can relate to some transfem experiences and some nonbinary experiences, too, even if im not exactly like people who are binary and transfem or like people who are androgynous/neutral presenting and nonbinary. of course, some people do actually identify as nonbinary women in good faith though, and i equally say "cool" and "you do you" to those people for reasons i got into in my pinned post/will get into later. and when i dont want to have to explain all that, i just say i'm gender non-conforming, which feels fair to me - after all, it's hard to say i am conforming to any gender norm.

polysexual: (and sometimes also just "queer") this one confuses people. my partner is bisexual, and ive had a lot of people ask me why i dont identify with bisexuality or what the difference is between the two. what i usually tell them is "i'm attracted to binary women and most nonbinary people, but not binary men, and so i feel more comfortable using a title that reflects that instead of one that suggests i'm also attracted to men", but honestly, i dont care too much about the difference between the two. i've had a lot of people say that counts as bisexuality, and you might be one of them or you might not. i'm agnostic on it. like i say in my pinned post, i dont really believe it's possible to make a conclusive set of labels that perfectly cover every nuance of human experience, and i also don't think it's practical for everyone to use all the microlabels that perfectly describe them all the time even if that is possible. my decision to call myself polysexual isn't based on any arbitrary standard of the "correct" definitions of polysexual or bisexual, it's because i've decided that it's easier to explain what polysexual means to me than to explain that i'm bisexual-but-i-dont-like-guys-no-that-doesnt-mean-im-lesbian, or to explain that im lesbian-but-i-also-like-nonbinary-people and have to deal with people questioning if im using the word "lesbian" wrong. oh, and i sometimes call myself "queer" when all of that is too much to explain - but i'm less likely to introduce myself as a queer person, because i know some people aren't comfortable with the word. just know that almost every word for the lgbtq+ community has been a slur at some point, including ones that are pretty tame these days like "gay", so it's a very subjective topic and depends a lot on the person.

grey-aroace: (or "grey aro" and "grey ace" or "grey polysexual"...) my relationships with romance and sexuality have been on-again-off-again for most of my life. i don't know if i'd be comfortable with saying they're fluid, but they're definitely weaker than "normal" if you believe in such a thing: for instance, i've never had a crush on anyone, regardless of gender, and i don't start having any sexual feelings for people until we've been in a romantic or queerplatonic relationship for anywhere from a few weeks to several months. and even then, those feelings come and go. for a couple years, i obsessively searched for romantic and sexual microlabels that perfectly described that experience, but after a while i realized that most people i met had to have it explained to them what "aromantic" means, and even if i did decide on titles that were more specific than these, they would never be useful to me for what i use titles for - explaining who i am to people in the lgbtq+ community. so i just say i'm grey-aroace, if i mention it at all.

lots of things! the secret about me is that i'm very agnostic about this stuff. humans are complicated, we can feel a lot of different ways about a lot of different things, and i don't expect everyone around me to have an encyclopedic knowledge of mogai microlabels just to know who i am. i think mogai and microlabel coining are valuable pursuits and worth the time - after all, most every label i'm using now were microlabels at some point - but the truth is that most microlabels will never become widely recognized, and i don't think it will ever be possible to come up with a dictionary that describes every possible nuance of human experience, where everyone who identifies outside of that strict guidebook must be faking or acting in bad faith. by all means, we should come up with new words, and we should discuss what these words mean. but i think the most important thing about labels is giving people a banner to unite behind - a way to find other people like them, a way to come together and ask for recognition and respect from others. but nothing will ever be as descriptive, as universally understood, and as "useful" in the real world as just describing who you are, with labels - microlabels and macrolabels alike - as loose guiderails, things with flexible definitions that only give us a surface-level insight into who you are.

the important thing is: i "am" all of those things, or none of them. you can call me what you like, since words are flexible. the only thing i really am is myself - a weird, squishy, featherless biped who doesn't fit neatly into a rectangular and brightly colored box. i'm me. and you're you. no matter what words we use.

i think the world would be a freer place if we could all keep that in mind. feel free to discuss.

[nerdliker7000]

Infos

May add more or less later I just made this in a few mins or whatever

Someday I'll just move all this info to an flist link LOL

Hi. I'm Lucky.

This is my nsfw blag.

As long as you're an adult idc who interacts I guess

Btw I'm aroace and every attraction I have is ficto. Basically. When I say "me" I'm saying my projection of myself in the fantasy. Also I'm intersex and I guess I'd say male aligned in that sense. I gotta peener. A wee wee. If you even care.

I'm basically mostly gay, but to me fetish comes before sexuality so sometimes I'm attracted to women on the basis that they're a part of a fetish scenario I like 🤷‍♂️

Uhmmmm I'm into / have the capability to be into anything that's not scat or farting. Basically I have a fetish for fetishes. No idea how to explain it. The fact that something is sexual is usually enough to get me at least a little into it. I can also give myself fetishes if I try hard enough LOL so. Never say never ✌️

But as for my favorites...:

idk how to say this one good. I like nerdy geeky boys but like, trashy gamer boy types. 4channer and redditor types. Boys who don't shower and are bigoted as hell and run their mouth.

^ that being said. Degradation and bullying and mild threats (if I'm consenting. Out of left field this will probably startle me a little??)

Everyday formal wear (usually like what uniforms tend to be. White button down. Black tie. That sorta thing)

Glasses. Nuff said

Braces and other orthodontic stuff. I blame my own many years with many types of teeth gear for this. Also tooth brushing??? Like brushing someone else's teeth. I don't know man.

Really hard sex -> really sweet aftercare. Big fan of basically babying someone right after

Remember how I mentioned boys who can't take care of themselves well I like taking care of people. In love with the idea of putting a boy in his place for talking down on me and making him chicken nuggets afterwards. Humilation can tie into this like running a bath and washing him almost like a kid which just pisses him off because it's embarrassing. God I love bratty shitty boys

Oh yeah btw I'm a switch and that is very much central to my fantasies usually. Roles will flip flop all over the place.

Anyways uh micro

Mascot style charicters. Like think Kero CCS or vincini pkmn. Just lil guys.

Fucked up disgusting monsters and demons that are so scary 😨 ??

DRAGONS

Sounding & general dick penitration

^ related. Cock vore. Sorry

When it comes to ladies... big boobies mommy types. Good lordy. Sorry to be basic on this front

Sentiant goo / slime

Transformation I guess? One of those nonsexual fetishes mostly I'm just really fucking fixated on the idea

Bsdm but that's vanilla to me

Sweet sounding really cruel doms

Cruel sounding mean subs I already basically said this but dog damn it

Impossible biology (this one applies to basically everything I'm into. There has to be some presence of cartoon logic I don't really care for someone being in medical danger cus of someone's dick size)

Size dif

ALL DICKS. Micro. Ftm dicks. Small. Med. Large. Hyper. I love them all.

Dirty talk especially excessive blathering of a sub who's just brainless on pleasure. Speaking of

Fucked silly

Pet play and similar. I guess it's just an extention of humilation in a way

Fighting (phys)

Masks

Weird monster dicks

Eggpreg but in the BALLS

Popcorn round traits I like in charicters that arent exactly fetish but boy howdy my type: (some repeats of above)

Blondes, royalty, powerful presence, elegant femininity (looks good on anyone), mean, serious or aloof, curly hair, glasses, brown eyes, freckles, piercings, crazy fucking murderer twisted fucking cycle path, has optional nonhuman form, dragons and dragonlike creatures, smart, uhh idk

[stickandthorn]

Something I always think about when debates about queer rep in cr come up that I don’t see talked about often is something I’ve come to refer to as “gay resources and resource allocation.” And no matter how I try to describe it when it comes up I can never really encompass what I mean, so here’s my one big old try at explaining it. I am truly not trying to discourse with people, I just want to explain my feelings on all this finally.

So, let’s start with, what the fuck do I mean? Basically, dnd live shows aren’t actually set up the best for queer rep in some ways, logistically speaking. They don’t have as much resources and those resources they have to allocate. And what the fuck do I mean by that? Well:

PCs are your main source of rep, but there are only so many PCs, 7 every 3/4ish years for cr in particular. And besides that, you have NPCs, which are numerous, but usually interactions with them are so surface level or unrelated to their sexuality or gender that it almost never comes up unless they use they/them or neopronouns, or are actively flirting in a visibly queer way/in a visibly queer relationship. So in short, there’s only so many people with so many sexualities to go around. And if someone isn't comfortable with something, like how Travis wasn’t comfortable doing romance in C1 (tho I guess you could argue that Grog was aromantic from that angle), they shouldn’t be forced to do that and that takes another piece off of the gay board. Resources and resource allocation, basically.

And then there’s the issue of, well, characters being run by singular person. Usually when someone chooses to make a queer character in a TV show/book/movie whatever, they have resources. They have the time to rewrite and rewrite, to get other queer people and sensitivity consultants to help (and yes I’m pretty sure cr does have a sensitivity consultant but it’s not completely relevant to my point), do test screenings, etc. They often don’t because they don’t care, but they have the opportunity.

But CR has none of that because they’re literally live. Even if the show isn’t broadcasted live, it is completely unedited (besides gags and goofs for the ad read) and they can’t reshoot something. It’s a continuous, completely improvised, fully live story. That can be very scary I’m sure, because you have to do your rep 100% right at all times or you’ll get trashed online. What if you’re portraying an identity that isn’t yours? You wanna do it right, but that’s very hard when it comes down to Just You and you actually care. Even if you aren’t doing something wrong you’ll get trashed online.

Also this isn’t me excusing mistakes they’ve made representing queer people, it’s not me giving them a free pass. But I’ve heard people tear the cast to shreds for stupid, inane, unnecessary things, in the most bizarre way possible. Like, look at all the shit Liam has gone through with two bisexual characters.  And the live format also means that opportunities to do rep are harder. If you write a book, you can engineer the perfect scenario for someone to come out. But when you do a live play show, things have to come up naturally, and that sometimes just doesn’t happen. Look at Caduceus. He was aroace, and in my opinion played very well and very consistently throughout the entire show. Hell, a lot of ace people identified him as being ace from the beginning. But the actual conformation, the “coming out”, was waaaay after he was introduced. It wasn’t that they were hiding it, it just didn’t come up in a way that made sense. And it’s even harder for NPCs. Now let’s look at romances themselves. With NPCs it’s easier, look at Kima and Allura or how in EXU it was confirmed that Gilmore has a husband. But PC romance not only takes a long time, but is complicated as fuck. The emotions you feel while playing dnd are real, even if they aren’t applicable to you the person. So developing a romance takes a lot of time and energy and can be very messy, especially when it’s getting torn apart on the internet. Not to mention if there isn’t anyone in the party you can romance (but want to), or how hard NPC romances are. Once again, less resources.

And this isn’t just in CR. In one of the home games I play a huge percentage of the players are queer in some way, including our DM. But we have all these same resource and resource allocation issues, though they aren’t really issues in our case because we aren’t setting out to do rep. PC romances are rare, and NPC romances even rarer, and although there are plenty of enbies in both party and NPCs, actual sexualities rarely come up because they just aren’t applicable. The only time thats come up a lot in my experience was in games designed for romance. 

And this isn’t even touching on how CR1 wasn’t set up for live-streaming and purposeful diversity, it was originally a home game, etc.

So now we look at what all this means. Well, I don’t have a big conclusion. I still think queer rep is hugely important and cr should continue to work to include it, like they’ve done in the past. I think actual fuck ups in rep should be discussed. But I think some parts of the fandom need to keep in mind all of this when discussing queer rep, because the debates can get really bad faith at times when this stuff isn’t considered.

[burst-of-iridescent]

hey, i hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way, but i saw some of the posts you recently reblogged about yelena. i’m not very well informed on the aroace community and i have some genuine questions i was wondering if you could answer.

i thought yelena was only confirmed to be asexual not aro? so in that case what would be wrong with shipping her with someone romantically just not sexually? but if i am misremembering and she is aroace- does being aroace mean she would never enter a relationship with someone? can you be aroace and still marry and/or have a long term partnership with someone even if you don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction? could an aroace ever be in a relationship for someone if they only like them platonically but that other person likes them romantically?

sorry to dump such a long ask on you, feel free to ignore it if you want, it’s just hard to be to wrap my head around being aroace since i’m allo

hi! no worries at all anon, i'm more than happy to answer questions about being aromantic/asexual so long as they're in good faith. sorry it took me so long to get to this!

now, there have been claims that yelena is not aroace because she never explicitly says so in canon. but i think this is easily explained given the fact that the comics that introduced her came out in 1999, and asexuality and aromanticism is still so misunderstood and underrepresented today. the evidence for yelena being aroace is as follows:

1. in the comics, yelena is asked about being a lesbian and replied "i'm not a lesbian. i'm not...anything." i've seen people say that this could just be her being bi or pan or not having the words to describe her sexuality, but were this actually the intention, the writers could've just written yelena's lines as "i'm not just a lesbian. i'm...more than that" or something to that effect. it's disingenuous to argue that the words "i'm not...anything" fit being bisexual or pansexual more than it fits aromanticism & asexuality, which are the only sexualities with no attraction.

2. the writer of her comics, and co writer of the black widow movie, devin grayson, stated that yelena was "more likely to identify as asexual than to follow nat's romantic path". yelena being aroace comes from his use of "romantic" when referring to natasha, as many people use aroace and asexual interchangeably. i admit that this is vague, so yelena may very well be alloromantic; her asexuality, however, cannot be disputed.

3. yelena is confirmed as an asexual character in the LGBT characters Wiki and Wikipedia itself. given the amount of fact checking that goes into Wikipedia, i find it incredibly hard to believe that yelena's page would state that she is asexual if it's simply a headcanon. for comparison, the Wikipedia page on Albus Dumbledore (who was only said to be gay by R*wling in an interview) does not confirm his sexuality as gay; rather they have an entire section where they specify this was only mentioned by JKR and list the controversy regarding it. if yelena being ace were simply a personal author headcanon, it would have received similar treatment, but instead she is called "the first confirmed asexual character in the marvel universe". idk about you but i'm pretty sure headcanons don't make it into Wikipedia pages.

i thought yelena was only confirmed to be asexual not aro? so in that case what would be wrong with shipping her with someone romantically just not sexually?

now, you're right that yelena has only been confirmed to be asexual, though the hints at her romance repulsion in the black widow movie do indicate that she's likely aromantic as well. but technically, since she's not confirmed aro as yet, it is fine to ship her with someone romantically, so long as her asexuality is respected.

but if i am misremembering and she is aroace- does being aroace mean she would never enter a relationship with someone?

this is really up to the individual. some aroaces never want to enter relationships, others want queer platonic partnerships, yet others do want romantic relationships and marriage. in my case, for instance, i'm fairly sex repulsed so if someone is sexually attracted to me and expects sex in a relationship, that would be a dealbreaker. but i am okay with actions like kissing/cuddling/snuggling etc, all of which are a staple of romantic relationships, so i would be fine with doing all that with a partner. it's different for everyone, and all aroaces are valid no matter what they choose.

can you be aroace and still marry and/or have a long term partnership with someone even if you don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction?

you absolutely can! remember that being aroace defines your romantic/sexual attraction, not your actions. it is absolutely possible to kiss/marry/have sex with someone even if you're not attracted to them, and i'm sure even allos can relate to this. you could do it because you want to make your partner happy, because you don't mind the act itself and your body still has biological reactions, because you just want to spend your life with someone.

for allos, most of the time attraction and action go together, and i think that's why it's confusing to understand aromanticism/asexuality. aroaces might be fine in partnerships or having sex; they just don't feel the "pull" or the "draw" to this one specific person that allos do. i would liken it to eating even when you're not hungry; you don't need to, but it still makes you happy!

could an aroace ever be in a relationship for someone if they only like them platonically but that other person likes them romantically?

definitely. this would have to be discussed between both parties, of course, and i'm not sure it would work in all situations, but it can. again, it simply depends on the individual and their partner and what they're comfortable with.

the reason that aroaces are uncomfortable with yelena being in romantic/sexual relationships is because most of this shipping is done by allos, who use the "but aroaces can still be in a relationship and have sex!" card to disrespect yelena's sexuality. very few people seem to consider the opposite: well, what if yelena doesn't want to be in a relationship or have sex? what if she's romance/sex repulsed (as hinted at in the BW movie)? why is the defining perspective the first side, and not the second?

in real life, aroaces can absolutely be in a relationship, marry, and have sex. but in fiction, if that's the primary way that major aroace characters are represented, then maybe think about why that seems to be only way of writing aroace characters and how coincidental it is that it ties into existing societal norms of amatonormativity and hypersexuality.

[felix-honikker-kinnie]

hello charlotte - lgbtq+ headcanons (and also canon lgbtq+ characters)

#all art in this post is by etherane :) (note: literally every other headcanon is valid these are just mine <3) Charlotte Wiltshire

So, this is pretty widely accepted throughout the fandom - but I have to say she just seems transfem to me. There are even some possible hints that she might be transfem, and knowing etherane, I really wouldn’t be surprised.

First possible hint is young Charlotte. Not being feminine as a kid and then being very feminine later on obviously doesn’t mean you’re trans, I just thought it was something worth noting. In hc2, I believe there is a scene where Aiden encourages Charlotte to try being feminine, and you can see that she’s much more outwardly happy and expressive presenting as more feminine. Second possible hint is Seth. It was mentioned that male puppeteers are usually not assigned to female puppeteers, which could be a possible hint that she wasn’t biologically female.

Third possible hint was Charlotte’s haircut. Of course, any person would be upset if some people at school cut their hair, but some specific lines mentioned not wanting to let anyone see her and that a stranger stared back at her in the mirror - though that could have just been anxiety. All in all, none of these three things are for certain indicators that Charlotte is transfem, it’s just nice to have a little headcanon. And to be honest, the little hints aren’t even the main reason I think she’s trans, she just - Idk it just makes sense that she’d be trans and I just vibe with it. 

I think this one is also pretty agreed on, but she just gives panromantic vibes. I also get like, demiromantic vibes? And asexual vibes. I don’t have explanations for any of these, these headcanons just vibe with me. Felix Honikker

Next up, my fave, Felix. So my biggest headcanon is that he’s asexual because - well, ew, people, gross. And he just seems omniromantic to me. Again, can’t explain, the headcanon just vibes. And he just - Idk I feel like he’s transmasc and neutrios. Someone also mentioned that he seemed genderfluid and that headcanon is extremely valid. And someone mentioned him being aroace which, is also very extremely valid. Bennett

AAH. MY BABY BOY. THAT SMILE. SO MUCH SEROTONIN. I’M CRYING. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. AAAAAAH.  Okay, so he also gives me trans vibes (transmasc vibes). Charlotte, Felix, and Bennett just - radiate trans to me and I vibe so fucking hard with that.  Also. Bennett is a disaster bi. He. Just. Radiates. Disaster bi. He also seems just...like he experiences sexual attraction but he doesn’t really want to do. Things. I believe the word for that is akoisexual? (Or lithsexual?) Correct me if I’m wrong. Idk.  (Okay I had to stop making this post because I was trying to find the word for it and I just - I just found a post that was really invalidating to ace/spec people and I just. I’m sad now. After this I’m going to reblog all the acespec/arospec positivity posts I can get my hands on.) Florence

Florence also radiates disaster bi. That’s. That’s pretty much it for her, that’s my only headcanon about her orientation/identity. However. I do have many OTHER headcanons but they would not be relevant to this post, so.

Seth

Seth is pansexual, demisexual, and pangender in my mind because. Again. I have no reason. Just v i b e s

Aiden

Hm...he seems like the kind of person who wouldn’t really care about labels and just let people call it whatever they wanted to as far as orientation. (Sorry that some of these are so short-)

Henry Huxley

Huxley is definitely polyamorous, ace and gay. No, I will not explain my reasoning. Because I have none.

Q84

Q84 is definitely aroace. And I highly doubt she gives a fuck about gender and I doubt she’d put a label on her gender.

DelChar

I think we can all agree that DelChar is a disaster lesbian. At the very least, she canonically wlw, so that’s always nice to see. I also think she’s transfem because this is an alternate version of Scarlotte Charlotte I believe, so I just feel like she’d be trans as well.

V19

She’s also a disaster lesbian. 

Scarlett Eyler

Scarlett, like flo and ben radiates bi. I’m thinking she’s either aromantic bisexual or biromantic asexual but I’m leaning more towards aro/bi.

Anri Warhol

Anri is canonically bi. I appreciate that, a lot. 

Vincent Wordsworth

He seems like either he’s gay or he’s queer as far as orientation, and either way, definitely asexual. And he’s nonbinary as well.

Charles Eyler

What’s that? A canon genderfluid character? AND a canon asexual character? Yep, Charles is canon genderfluid and ace and I just freak out every time I think about it because there’s so little rep for those two things that whenever I see it, I just get really happy. As far as romantic orientation I feel like polyromantic.

Vincent Fennell

I’d probably put him about the same as his counterpart in hc3. I just included him specifically because. He’s so fucking pretty. And I wanted to show a picture of him.

C

I know C is technically Charles in a Vincent vessel, but shhh, I see him as his own kind of character. Like Charles, he’s genderfluid and asexual - and I could see him as being demiromantic and panromantic.

Umbrella Man

I just. I just feel like he’s homosexual/aromantic. I just. Do. And I can’t imagine he’s cis, but I don’t think he really has a label for his gender, idk.

Frei

Frei is canon agender! Or at the very least, he described himself as genderless. I feel like he would be asexual and omniromantic, kinda like my headcanon for Felix.

Freya

I know that Freya and Frei are both the Oracle, but each form the Oracle takes just seems like a seperate form to me. I can’t put Freya, Frei, and that other Oracle that was in Scarlett’s head into the same category. Freya is also probably agender but takes a feminine form and identifies with being female while also being genderless. I feel like she’d identify as a lesbian? And also be like, ace? Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense jafioejrpaewrojofjo.

Scarlett’s Oracle 

They’re definitely agender and aroace.

Right, I almost forgot OSIRIS

Osiris seems aroace.

Okay, that’s uh. that’s pretty much it oof. Sorry if this post doesn’t make a lot of sense I just wanted to ramble. And all other headcanons are valid <3 

[pluviophile-bookworm]

Understanding and acceptance: a short story consisting of things that actually happened

[A/N: I was on the phone with my mum and she told me that I seem to be in a creative mood and that I should write something. I decided to kill two birds with one stone and share a personal story while also writing it as if it’s fiction. So here goes.]

Word count: 2K

-- 2 weeks ago --

It’s a quiet Saturday evening. My brother Max and I are walking home together, deep in conversation. I have no memory of what the conversation had been about when it started, but I do remember that it somehow got to this:

‘...all this assuming you’re straight, of course, and I’m not assuming anything--’

‘What does being straight mean?’ Max says in a tone that tells me he genuinely doesn’t know. So I feel obligated to explain it in the simplest terms possible. ‘Well, in your case it would mean that you, a boy, like girls.’

‘Well, that’s the normal thing for any person!’ He nearly cuts me off with this. I calculate my next step carefully.

‘Not every person,’ I say, keeping my voice as calm as possible. ‘I’m not straight.’ Of course, he knows that. I came out to my whole family at once three years ago, hoping for the awkward discussions to be over with that. It hasn’t worked out quite as I envisioned it yet.

‘Yeah, but you’re not normal either,’ Max parries. Can’t argue with that. Lucky for me, that is when we reach the front door and each one goes off to mind their own business.

I know very well just how ‘not normal’ I am. Not in that cliche ‘I’m not like other girls’ way, but in a way that causes Bulgarians undereducated on mental health and identity labels (which is unfortunately most people over 30) to brand a person clinically insane, unstable, a threat to the Traditional Bulgarian Family™. Being aroace and having severe social anxiety and ADHD to top it off, I hardly classify as ‘normal’. This is a frequent cause for arguments at the dinner table at home, most of which end in a. tears and/ or a panic attack on my part, b. my father storming off and pretending to be asleep whenever someone goes to call him back to dinner, c. my brother gluing himself to his phone, leaving his plate half-untouched, d. my mother crying over ‘what kind of mother am I that I can’t even have my family together at the table once’, and usually e. all of the above. 

For this scenario to play out, however, the whole family of four is required to be present. So fortunately it only happens every other weekend when Dad and I come back home from the capital, where we have been living for the better part of three years now, ever since he got promoted and I started uni. When I’m away from my loving but over-controlling mum and my brother, who seemed to become obnoxious overnight the moment he turned 13 a little over a year ago, I usually have significantly fewer reasons to cry or feel anxious about... you name it. So we do fine. For the most part.

-- this evening --

I am watching Joe and Frankie’s performance of A Whole New World for the thousandth time today when I get a text from Mum.

Mum: How’s my girl doing?

Mum: I haven’t been able to hear from you with all the fuss about your brother.

Max is at that point in his education where he’s applying for high schools. His exam results have just come in and now everyone in the family is stressing about whether his scores will be enough to get him into the school he wants to go to. It’s a big deal, but with all the Rodfini magic going on (and with how terribly behind I am on my internship assignment) I have just been completely unable to care.

Speaking of Rodfini and A Whole New World, I have been repressing the instinctive urge to send my mum the video all day, and when I get her texts, I almost nearly muster up the courage to do it. But between me and her, this is not something you do over text. So I give her a ring instead. 

When she picks up, the sound of her voice combined with the anxiety over what I want to tell her makes me tear up and the words are stuck in my throat. 

‘Erm-- Mum, can I tell you something?’ I say, still not sure if I’m not about to regret taking up the subject at all.

‘Dear, you know you can tell me anything,’ she says, sounding concerned at my obviously-trying-to-swallow-tears voice.

‘You mean it?’ I ask, listening to her tone to make sure. I wish I could read tones better. ‘Anything?’

‘Is something wrong, honey?’ Oh gods, she’s in a really benevolent mood. I grow more and more afraid of ruining that with my ‘obsession with gays’. 

‘Erm, so I guess you should know Dad and I had the tiniest disagreement just now,’ I say, deciding last minute to start with something she might deem ‘more relevant to the family’s personal lives’. ‘You know, we were watching the Euros and then the match ended and we watched the news, and then Dad changed the channel so he could watch the next match. And I was like ‘whoa, what’s with the video quality’, and so dad was like ‘you really need go get your eyes checked out’; and I tried to explain that there was a very obvious difference in quality between the two channels, and he kept yelling at me that I was ruining my eyesight spending all day staring at a screen.’

‘Did he sound annoyed or just concerned?’ Mum asks me.

‘I know what you’re thinking. And I know full well that he’s my parent and he’s concerned about my health. But you should have heard his tone.’

‘So are you two in a fight now?’

‘No. Well, I don’t know.’ I really don’t. It’s hard to tell when one side of the argument refuses to talk about his feelings as if that will kill him. But I don’t tell Mum that. She’s been dealing with Dad since long before I was even planned, so she knows him better than I do. ‘The thing is, he called me back and said that, well, one of the channels was HD and the other was not, so there was indeed a difference, but he thought it was ‘unnatural’ that I was able to register it so immediately, and he kept insisting there was something wrong with my eyes. I should think that seeing something quickly would be a sign of good vision, not bad. Besides,’ I keep talking, nearly  desperate to justify myself, ‘I did some research and sensitivity to light is a symptom of ADHD. So it’s nothing new, really.’

‘Oh, please, dear. You’re of a new generation, and ADHD is something of the older generation. Don’t be so quick to self-diagnose.’

I guess there’s some reason to what she says, or at least the last part of it, so I give up on pursuing the subject further. ‘Yeah, anyway,’ I say, ‘I just thought it was all a bit rich coming from the man who refuses to wear his prescription glasses. I haven’t got any prescription glasses, you know.’

I don’t want to come off too cheeky because I still want to try and talk to her about how happy Rodfini have made me today. A while ago, Mum would accuse me of only calling her to complain when I was unhappy, so I have since made it a point to call her when I am happy and tell her so. That’s why I’ve been itching to share this with her. And now the time has come.

‘You know, I’ve been crying in a completely different way today,’ I begin tentatively. ‘A good way, A really, really good way,’ I add quickly before she can get worried again.

‘Yeah? So what was it that made you so happy that you cried?’ Goodness, there’s no turning back now. I decide to proceed with caution.

‘Oh, well, it was this performance, you know. A really beautiful song. So I’ve been wanting to show it to you, but I was worried about how you’d react.’

‘And why would that be?’ she asks in the same kind tone that keeps making me anxious about potentially ruining everything.

‘Well, erm...’ I feel myself start to stutter. ‘See, it’s a love song, and it’s... ok, I’ll just say it. It’s sung by two guys. As in, a couple, you see.’ I keep feeling up the ground with my words, anxious to hear her reaction. It’s like when I’m opening an exam result -- I want to know, but I’m too scared to look. And so now, in my anxious despair to know what she thinks about it, I miss the beginning of her response. ‘And I know how you are about those things, so I...’ I genuinely don’t know what to say. I’ve done my thing again. I’ve kept talking so much that she hasn’t even been able to react audibly. So I trail off, determined to let her speak this time.

‘Ok, but... why do you get so affected by those things?’ Mum says, starting to sound suspiciously like she’s about to question my own orientation again. I feel the need to justify myself for the second time since the conversation has started.

‘Well, it’s just that... I really wish you would just see them, Mum. If you could just see how they look at each other, you’d see that there’s just love. So much love. And joy at being able to express themselves as they are.’

I’m speaking from the heart now. I am finally letting out how much I want her to give them a chance because she deserves to see and hear their magical performance. She must be sensing the anguished sincerity in my voice as I finally manage to stop crying and I smile through the tears, because she says, ‘Dear, are you... are you trying to tell me something there?’

I sigh. She’s asked me this question nearly every time I’ve started speaking ‘too’ passionately about anything LGBTQ+ Which isn’t an awful lot in her presence, but there have been several occasions. Once about Solangelo, at the beach. Once about NPH and his husband David and their children, at the dinner table, as I was trying to explain how same-sex couples can have kids; that one resulted in a seriously bad scene of the type I described earlier. Once about a participant in a reality show who identified as a gay man then, but has recently come out as a trans woman; whenever she’s been mentioned on television, I’ve fought to repress my inner urge to express my happiness for her and the representation she is for the Bulgarian LGBTQ+ community. I wonder even now if my parents have noticed my silence on the subject -- because they certainly do notice when I am not silent.

So now, when the time seems to have come for me to set things straight about my non-straight-ness (bad pun very much intended), I try my best to keep my voice from shaking. ‘I’m not trying to tell you anything I haven’t already told you, Mum. Really.’

‘Are you perhaps attracted to the same gender, dear?’ It seems so unbelievable that she’s said it, and even more that she’s worded like that, but she really has. I force myself to be calm and patient.

‘No, Mum. I’ve told you -- I am not attracted to any gender, be it male, female or anything else, really. You know that.’

‘Well, it sounded as if you--’

‘No, Mum. Really. But I do need you to understand that part of my identity is that I feel the need to support people with other identities different from straight. I’m happy for their successes. I'm concerned about their issues. They’re a sort of family to me. Do you understand that?’ I say, relieved to be speaking my truth at last. At the same time, I try to sound as reasonable and mature about the whole thing as possible. I don’t want to put her off, especially not now that I’m knee-deep in the subject already. I’ve gone too far to turn back now.

‘Yes, honey. Yes, I do. I just don’t want you to exert yourself emotionally, is all. Plus I’ve been so stressed out about your brother and all, you know...’

‘Yeah, I do know. And I know he’ll be fine. He’s a nice boy. I just wished he didn’t keep calling me ‘abnormal’ all the time...’

‘Oh, well, don’t listen to him. He’s been quite stressed out too. And he’s 14. It’s just how he is at this age.’

I’m not too sure about that. ‘Boys will be boys’. It’s ok for boys, then, to pour salt into their neurodivergent sisters’ wounds? I don’t think so. But I can’t fix every problem in one talk. Plus my mum sounds tired now.

So I just say, ‘I guess... Well, anyway, thank you so much, Mum. For hearing me out, and for supporting me, and for everything else. Please don’t worry so much.’

But I know she can’t not worry at all. I’ve got that from her.

‘If you’re sure you’re all ok now, dear...’

‘Yeah, mum, I am. Or I will be. You know, there’s this expression with English, ‘to run with something’. So I’ve been telling myself, I’ll at least try to walk with things. You know I’m not much of a runner anyway.’ I actually laugh, even though the pun is quite untranslatable into Bulgarian.

‘You know I’m proud of you, right?’

I know that has very little to do with the kind of pride I’ve been celebrating all month, but I say, ‘Of course I do. And you know what? I’m quite proud of myself, too.’ I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I mean it. I mean it wholeheartedly this time.

‘I’m nearly falling asleep, though, dear, so I say we call it a night?’

‘Good night, Mummy. And thanks.’

I hang up. Then I forward the video to her.

I’ve come so far, indeed. I reckon we both have.

[fighttoshine]

I saw your post and I just wanted to let you know that writing Alex as anything other than gay would be erasing his sexuality. Writing him as aroace is the same thing as writing him as bisexual, which he isn't. You can write him as asexual if you want, as long as he is still gay. I hope this doesn't come across as rude! Go and write the fanfic if you want, but if you post it publicly it might be offensive & erasing his sexuality. Sorry if I seem like I'm disrespecting you!

Hey anon! Thanks for getting in touch.

I appreciate that this message was probably intended as helpful and informative but unfortunately, it was neither of those things.

First of all, I was writing Alex as asexual and aromantic and gay. And yes, you can be all those things at once! For some people, the fact they don’t experience sexual or romantic attraction to others doesn’t stop them from wanting a sexual or romantic relationship. So being aroace doesn’t stop him being gay, and is not the same thing as writing him as bisexual.

Secondly, saying “I hope this doesn’t come across as rude!” and “Sorry if I seem like I’m disrespecting you!” doesn’t stop this message being rude and disrespectful to me. In my post I was reaching out for help and support with my writing, and made it clear that the story I was writing is personal and directly relates to me. And yet you still came to me and instead of being kind and supportive, attacked me and accused me of erasing Alex’s sexuality, without a full understanding of what I was intending to write. That is rude, and that is disrespectful, and that is not what the anon function on this site is for.

And finally, this is EXACTLY the kind of prejudice and misunderstanding that has made it so hard for me to accept who I am. I do not experience sexual or romantic attraction to anyone, and also want a committed, long term, loving relationship. But if I tell anyone that, I’ll get people talking to me like this. As if I’m the ignorant one. As if I have no idea what I’m talking about, and have to choose between the two things. As if I’m so broken and wrong and damaged and useless I can’t even be aroace right.

I know you probably won’t even see this reply, anon. That’s okay. I probably wouldn’t have been able to make you understand anyway, no matter how long my response was, or how hard I tried to explain it.

But for everyone else, please stop to think about this. Please try to understand that there are seven billion people on this planet and every single one of them will have a different experience of sexuality. Please don’t use labels to put people into little boxes and build these damaging stereotypes about them. Please don’t assume that because someone uses a label for themselves they will fit into your idea of what that label means.

And if that’s really too hard, if you can’t imagine someone else being their own person, who does not meet your narrow minded expectations, please at least do this:

Be kind, and don’t leave this kind of nonsense in someone’s inbox unprompted.

[entity9silvergen]

My Oriented Aroace Headcanons From 8 Fandoms

Oriented Aroace is an aspec identity where someone does not experience sexual or romantic attraction but experience other forms of attraction in a way that causes another nonaspec label describing sexuality to feel significant enough to have a place alongside one’s aroace identity. For more information on this term, here is the info page on the oriented aroace subreddit and here is the wiki page on it.

Headcanon is a subbranch of fanon, meaning headcanon is something generally not accepted as canon but some fans choose to believe about the original content. In the queer community, it is common to headcanon characters as queer. Sometimes it’s with good reason, sometimes it’s just because we like the characters, sometimes it’s because we see something of ourselves within the characters. 

Here are some of my oriented aroace headcanons.

1. Sai (Naruto)

This is by far my favorite aroace headcanon but I don’t talk about it much because I don’t want to support the stereotype that aromantics are heartless or that asexuals are traumatized. In Naruto Shippuden, Sai is a character who does not experience emotions after an illegal black ops organization killed his brother and brain washed him. He does, however, recover his emotions and learns to be very in touch with them. In Boruto, he is married to Ino and has a son named Inojin.

I headcanon Sai as pan-oriented aroace, possibly demialterous as well, but he experiences some degree of internalized homophobia and aphobia which leads him to pursue a romantic relationship with Ino. I don’t doubt that he loves her, he definitely does but I don’t think he loves her in the same way that she loves him. I wrote about this for Aromantic Writing Month. I believe that Sai initially started courting Ino because that was what was expected of him. Ino went along with it because she is attracted to him. At some point she probably realized Sai doesn’t quite feel the same way as her but they talked about it and continued their relationship as a allo-aspec qpr.

2. Rook Blonko (Ben 10) 

Rook Blonko is Ben’s (work) partner in Ben 10: Omniverse. He is an alien from the planet Revonnah. When we see his homeplanet, we learn that he is very attractive by Revonnahgander and all the local girls are interested in him but he is bothered by it, only showing affection for one girl named Rayona. They end up dating later in the series. A couple villains show interest in Rook as well and he is usually bothered by it or has mixed feelings with no desire for reciprocation. 

I headcanon him as hetero-angled aroace, specifically gray/ frayromantic and acespike. Gray romanticism means that someone is aromantic but can experience some kind of limited romantic attraction or experiences romantic attraction under specific circumstances. Frayromantic is essentially the opposite of demiromantic. Someone may experience romantic attraction that fades as they get to know the other person. Acespike means that someone is asexual but can sometimes experience spikes of sexual attraction. 

If you have seen the show, you may know where my thoughts are coming from. Rook mostly shows romantic interest in Rayona before they start dating. Once they’re in a relationship, their feelings seem very platonic and their relationship is much like a qpr. This may be because of their age, lack of experience, or their culture but I’d like to imagine that Rayona feels the same way as Rook and they are in a qpr.

The only other character Rook has shown interest in is Isosceles Vreedle. He is briefly attracted her during a battle but doesn’t seem to have any intent on acting on his feelings (presumably because he is in a relationship). He seems to be aware that this is out of character for him, which leads me to believe that he is acespike. 

3. Alain (Pokémon)

Alain is the star of the Mega Evolution specials and Ash’s main rival in the Kalos League. I headcanon him as gay-oriented aroace.

I don’t have much of a reason for this. Headcanons don’t necessarily need reasons but I’m still going to try to explain this one.

He never has any romantic interests in the show, probably because we don’t see much of him and his story is very focused on his Pokémon training. There are many characters who are solely focused on Pokemon training and that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re aroace but with Alain, I can’t really see him ever wanting to settle down or pursue a relationship though and he doesn’t seem like a women’s man. 

His perfect life is retiring young from a decent battle career on a Pokemon ranch where he works as a Pokemon professor, giving out starter pokemon and providing a place for trainers to send their pokemon when their parties are full. He won’t have many visitors but maybe he’ll have a close companion to keep him company and help out with any projects he’s working on.

4. Toph (Avatar: The Last Airbender/ The Legend Of Korra)

Toph is Aang’s earthbending teacher in ATLA, the founder of metalbending in the comics, and Lin and Suyin’s mother in TLOK. I headcanon her as sapphic or trixic-oriented aroace.

Sapphic and trixic are both non-exclusive terms for attraction to women but sapphic is specifically for women and trixic is for non-binary people. Canonically, Toph is a girl but she is very free spirited and independent and I feel like she wouldn’t let something like gender limit her.

In TLOK, Toph does mention that she tried to have relationships with Lin and Suyin’s fathers but it didn’t really work out. I imagine that Toph is sex favorable and likes sex as kind of a fun way to enjoy herself but does not experience sexual attraction nor does she feel a need to have regular partners. Similar goes for romance. She is romance-indifferent but does not like it much.

The lesbian Toph headcanon is a popular one. Not really sure why but Toph seems like a ladies’ woman. She likes to have her fun and she just finds women to be better companions than men in these aspects. She doesn’t get attatched easily though and she’s not really into the commitment. 

5. Korvo (Solar Opposites)

Again, I feel like this plays into a stereotype that I don’t want to support but these are my headcanons and I will do with them as I want. Korvo is an alien who is having a hard time adjusting to living on Earth. We know that his species has no biological sex and do not reproduce sexually but many of them choose genders, enjoy sexual activity, and pursue romantic relationships. I headcanon Korvo as bi-oriented aroace, possibly bi-electio aroace.

I have not seen the most recent season but in season 1, Korvo is mostly uninterested in anything outside of returning the ship. We have seen him in real no romantic contexts but he and Terry are co-parents of sorts. We also see him in a couple of sexual contexts. When he got zapped by a ray that removed his intelligence, he tried humping Terry and when he and Terry tried going to college, he remained on his side of his and Terry’s shared bed when Terry brought home sexual partners.

I don’t think Terry and Korvo are in a relationship or a qpr but am not completely opposed to the idea. My point was just that we know he isn’t repulsed by the idea of doing traditionally romantic or sexual things with someone who is masculine in nature. I think he could also appreciate what a woman brings to the table, as seen when he built a robot to fulfill the role of wife and mother in the house.

I don’t think Korvo is interested in a relationship but he does value the companionship and wouldn’t be unhappy with a partner. He may struggle to maintain a partnership but I don’t think gender would be much of a factor.

6. Todd Chavez (BoJack Horseman)

Todd is BoJack’s off-and-on best friend/ roommate. Canonically, he is asexual and heteroromantic (presumably, all we know for sure is that he is alloromantic). I headcanon him as straight-oriented aroace, specifically heteroqueerpatonic and panplatonic.

I love that Todd is canonically asexual and I appreciate that they showed an asexual character who is not aromantic. But, all of Todd’s relationships have that queerplatonic vibe. When he described the kind of relationship he wanted with Emily, it didn’t sound like a romantic relationship. What he had with Yolanda certainly wasn’t romantic. Maybe it was just the writing but Todd seemed most happy when his relationship resembled a qpr. When he was dating Maude, the lines between romance and friendship were blurry and they seemed very happy, and that included not doing traditionally romantic things like getting married.

I could also see Todd as greyromantic. For him, I feel like having a label isn’t really that big of a deal. Being able to say he was asexual was a big deal for him but he just wants to be himself and find whatever makes him happy. Sex and a traditional romantic relationship don’t really seem to be a part of that.

7. Silver Surfer (Marvel Comics)

Again, this isn’t one I talk about much because I don’t want to support the stereotype that aromantics or asexuals are inhuman or lacking emotion. Before becoming the Silver Surfer, Norrin Radd is in a relationship on his home planet and he does express interest in a few women after becoming the Silver Surfer. I headcanon him as straight-oriented aroace.

Some of it may have to do with Galactus’s interference. Maybe not. The Surfer doesn’t need sex or romance (no one does but you catch my drift) but he doesn’t really want it either. Sometimes it is portrayed from a sense of duty but we don’t really know what he’s feeling. He’s been one of my favorite characters for years so I may just be projecting but it feels right.

He can get lonely. He wants a companion but I don’t think he’d want a romantic one or even a queerplatonic partner. He’d be most happy with a friend and he’d get all the fulfillment he needs from one. A romantic partner might be a bit too much.

8. Gina Linetti (Brooklyn 99)

Gina is Jake’s childhood friend, Captain Holt’s assistant, and Boyle’s... something. I’ve seen a lot of headcanons that she is pansexual but I headcanon her as heteroflexible-oriented aroace.

Gina, like Toph, is just kind of doing her own thing. I feel like she’d be sex favorable and romance indifferent. Sex is fun, relationships are alright, she’s just living her best life. Men are nice, women are too. She’s just living life and rocking with whatever rolls her way.

When she has her daughter, she does want to settle down a bit but not with a man. She loves the kid and steps up to her new responsibility but she doesn’t let it change her. She���s still as wild and free and she doesn’t want or need anyone.

[thedreadvampy]

Like idk what you want from me here. If you want to engage me in a specific question about ace/aro identities, as I've said several times and nobody has ever actually done, then ask me the specific question. Don't fuck around with vague gestures at Points of Discourse and then get cross with me because I haven't answered the Exact Question you Didn't Ask But Expected Me To Intuit.

Preface: If you don't want to answer any of these because you are allo/allo and don't have a say because its not your place, say that. In fact, I'm asking these because you seem to do have opinions on things you shouldn't based off things you have said in the past.

I also want to state that I agree fully with your points about Martin- minus the blatant aphobia. Not just acephobia, arophobia as well.

1. Do you think qprs are problematic? I believe you once made a post saying roughly that qprs are just normal friendships, or something like that, that has since been deleted. What is your current opinion?

2. Are het aros lgbt?

3. Are het aces lgbt?

4. Cis aro/aces lgbt?

5. Cishet aro/aces?

6. Do the spectrums and micro identities exist? You've implied in the past they don't, in the post about how they were supposedly created from sex positivity

7. Can aros be in or desire romantic relationships?

8. Can aces have or desire sex?

9. Does the split attraction model exist and does it benefit people?

10. Can teenagers identify as aro/ace or do you think they're too young?

11. Can you be, say, an aroace lesbian, or an aroace gay, aroace bi, etc. Idk how to phrase this one but like can you be aroace and still id with another orientation?

I could send another anon detailing the aphobia in the post, because I at least am certainly not upset about Martin being sexual, rather it was the very blatant aphobia. It could have stemmed from ignorance, and if that's the case I don't mind explaining it.

Ok this is a lot of questions, some with quite involved answers, so I'm gonna answer them chunk by chunk so it's a bit more manageable, and then I might come back to some of the surrounding message. This isn't gonna be an immediate bang bang bang, but I'll try and work through them over the next couple of days.

Question 1

1. No, I don't think qprs are problematic. I don't necessarily understand them but I don't need to understand them to understand and respect that they're a thing that's important to a lot of people. I don't know what post you're referring to, but I'm surprised that you say it was deleted, because I very rarely delete posts except, occasionally, reblogs where people have flagged up misinformation or dogwhistles or which I reblogged by accident. tbh I'm the messiest online presence I'm way too lazy to delete past posts or block people even when I probably should bc I don't like to feel like I'm ~hiding evidence~. So I'm not saying you're wrong, you're probably totally right, but I'm surprised.

I'm thinking about what posts I've made that you could be thinking of, and obviously I don't remember everything I say on here bc I say A Lot and I actively post to get things out of my head so 🤷‍♀️ but I do remember making a post a while ago where I said that it was a normal expectation of friendship to have some friends close enough that you'll live with them, raise kids with them, etc, and I'm wondering if that was the post you're thinking of? I did have qprs in mind while writing that to a degree, but only because I think 'you wouldn't do this with your friends' is a very common argument people put forward about qprs and I think it's a weak argument, because many people have different definitions of friendship, and the only argument I think is needed for any sort of I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing is...I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing. Like you can't offer a universal materialist definition of the differences between romantic, queerplatonic, sexual and platonic relationships, because the boundaries are very personal and it's really an emotional and experiential difference. so if that is the post you're thinking of, I wasn't criticising The Concept Of QPRs as much as saying that I thought trying to put hard lines around What Friends Do Vs What QPPs Do was a) counterproductive when arguing with someone who thinks QPR is Just Normal Friendships bc. if they do those things with their friends then saying NO THIS IS A QPR THING just reinforces their existing belief that you're talking about the same thing as they mean by friendships and b) to me seems to set a painful expectation to young people that you can only get these kinds of close friendships occasionally and in the form of a QPR and it will be stigmatised and misunderstood (and depending on how people talk about it, is only accessible to aspec people and allo people should only expect it to come through romantic/sexual relationships), when in fact most people of most ages I know have friends with whom they can share things like housing, deep feelings, futures, finances, who they miss if they don't see for a few days, who are mutually supportive and vital to their wellbeing. I don't think that's mutually exclusive with the existence of QPRs though - like I personally don't know what the difference is between a QPR and a close friendship, but I also don't know what the difference is between a romantic relationship and a close friendship but I know there is one and I know it's not a question of What You Do but a question of How You Feel And Interact, and that's pretty hard to define in unambiguous terms.

Like generally I don't Not Think QPRs exist, and I think it's a dick move to try and tell people they're wrong about how they experience and define their relationships because???? how are you meant to know that better than the person whose relationship it is??? but I do think the way people talk about QPRs (both from the perspective of defending them and from the perspective of attacking them) is pretty rife with problems and I don't think it's invalidating the reality of QPRs to talk about where the arguments and language around them potentially falls down or has unexpected consequences.

On the other hand, I don't know if that actually is the post you're referring to - the reason I'm calling back to that is that that and a few resultant asks are the only time I remember talking about QPRs on here in the last year or so. So like, several of these questions reference past posts, which is very fair, but I do need it to be clear that, since I don't really tag anything and I don't have a great memory, I can only really speak to What I Think Now In This Context, not to what I posted in the past and what I was thinking when I posted it. Like, this isn't too deny responsibility - I reckon I'm responsible for what I post even if I don't still agree with it, which is why I don't tend to delete my own posts on purpose - but just to deny capacity, I guess? I don't really KNOW what I've posted so if you talk about it in vague terms (and I do understand that if it's been deleted there's not a lot you can do but that) I may not necessarily be responding to the part of it that's worried you, so if I'm not speaking to something specific I've said or done, it's not because I Don't Want To, I just don't necessarily know to.

I'm waffling about this because looking through your messages there's a lot of "you said X" and like. given that the intended message of the post that's kicked this off was very different to the message people have taken from it, it feels important to me to know whether if I looked at the posts you're referencing I'd be like "ah yeah I did believe that but now I believe X" or if it's more a situation of "oh right I can see how you took X from that but my thinking was more Y".

(also sometimes when people say "you made a post" they mean "you reblogged a post" and I am a compulsive discourse scroller so sometimes I reblog a random post to bookmark my place on someone's discourse blog or I accidentally longpress the reblog button while scrolling - I try to delete reblogs that I don't agree with but sometimes I miss some, all of which to say if there's a post on my blog that doesn't seem to reflect what I say in my original posts then it doesn't necessarily mean I'm a crypto-whatever so much as I'm very lazy and messy with my blog. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be held accountable for reblogs but it's useful to know if we're talking original content or reblogs bc I'm unlikely to fully accidentally make a post. but I quite often accidentally reblog stuff. I doubt this is the case with this sitch just bc of your phrasing but I want to cover my bases)

anyway tl;dr: no I don't believe that QPRs themselves are inherently problematic, nor do I think I have at any point believed that, but I do think that a lot of the language and ideas used to talk about them are based in miscommunication or absolutist ideas about relationships and can have damaging knock on effects.

[solarcitymelodies]

Wowza sorry y'all about the random massive Rockafire spam, I'm pretty sure ??most?? People on here? know me for just Knight Rider because that's the only thing I've ever REALLY posted about--

but I Do Not Care it's RAE hours right now so uhhh here's some headcannons that probably aren't Canon compliant very much because I just got into RAE like last week

So like. I feel like Mitzi is a Good Amount younger than the rest of the band like she was in highschool when she joined, the rest of em were all Adults™ and she was a little bit nervous about it because...... ADULTS™

She was just lookin for a place to get her singing voice out there, because ya girl REALLY wanted to perform, and showbiz happened to have a slot open, but she did not expect all of the members to be older than her (although looking back, she realized she probably should have expected that)

It was intimidating at first but Billy Bob and Fatz were just the absolute sweetest and they introduced her properly to the rest of the band because she was like "oh I barely talk to them because I get nervous :(" and the resident dads p much said "aight we can do all the talking for you then, how about that?" And badabing badaboom she's now attached to these two and like honestly who isn't or maybe that's just me but ANYWAYS I feel like the band would become a second home/safe space for her

Yeah fr some reason I have BIG long headcannon for her joining the band but the rest of them? Nobody knows how they got there for all I know they just Showed Up One Day

Also I came across this

https://youtu.be/UU7BeUWQBDI

Which got me thinkin about what my headcannons were as far as sexuality/gender stuff

And I find the concept of Billy Bob being Very Much Straight And Ignorant but trying his hardest to be a good ally SO funny like if someone came out to him he'd probably be like "oh!! I don't understand why you would choose that lifestyle but I respect you!!" not realizing how incredibly stupid he sounds sjkrjh like I don't think he can very easily wrap his head around how people are just. not cishet. so he's like "OH then it must be a choice, right? like you can choose to be gay but you're born straight. Right?" and everyone just shakes their heads in the background but he does earnestly try his best and my man would rather DIE than disrespect someone's pronouns I know this for sure

Fatz is pretty similar, straight ally and a lil confused but he's got the spirit, you know? He still least knows being gay (as well as,,, m o s t sexualities that aren't straight, although some he doesn't get/know about at all) isn't a choice but he hasn't quite grasped that being trans is also not a choice. He will respect your pronouns to hell and back but by god he doesn't get it,,, he's trying though and he feels very accomplished in himself that he's starting to get the hang of using they/them even though he slips up a lot

The rest of the band encourages the HELL out of these two because they're. Trying their best and making an honest effort which is more than a pretty good chunk of people would give

Rolfe, Earl, and Dook are the reasons Billy Bob and Fatz are trying so hard to understand it lmao

Rolfe took it upon himself to hang up a MASSIVE gay pride flag backstage, being the flaming homosexual that he is, and the rest of the squad quickly realized "oh he's GAY gay he wasn't kidding" because at first they literally thought he was joking as he was actually just being openly and obnoxiously a raging mlm (and like I mean no shade to him this isn't me tryna to make fun of it because my dumb sapphic ass almost crashed my car once because I saw a pretty girl walk down the street. And by "once" I mean. Yesterday.) Anyways yeah that's when the rest of em Realized and were like "OH" but after the massive pride flag was hung up that prompted Dook to come out and they were all like "???? YOU TOO????"

Dook is a non-binary ICON he's a demiboy and goes by both he/him and they/them and probably would have a bunch of pride pins I think,,, I'm not really sure of his sexuality though!! honestly he kinda gives me bisexual vibes but Who Knows . Not me. He has a HELL of a time trying to explain his gender to the rest of the band (except for Rolfe because like. He's a part of the community so he knows) and basically he was met with "so you're just a dude but ✨spicy✨?" and it was like, "no, but I have no idea how to explain it in a way that will make sense to you, so. yes?" And that explanation seemed to suffice for most of them

Mitzi went in knowing NOTHING about what being non-binary was so she asked a l o t of questions about it, which Dook just kinda dealt with answering (he's heard most of it before, and it gets tiring after a while. if you're nb or trans or honestly any part of LGBTQ+ you know what I mean) but he thought it was really sweet of her to be so determined to learn about it and eventually she did get a grasp on it ish, so she was able to understand why it wasn't just ✨spicy male✨ (the conversation pretty much went "well if i was just male, don't you think I would label myself that way instead?" "....oH TRUE!!!") and she ended up a VERY passionate ally, and she'll ask occasionally about how to be better at it, bein a queen as she is 👉👉 also definitely started questioning her sexuality after a while and just went with "maybe bicurious" and Rolfe, Dook, and Earl were all like "ONE OF US, ONE OF US"

Earl has never once spoken about his sexuality in his life, because 1. He's very aware that's an awkward conversation to have with a puppet, and 2. He's aroace anyways, which is basically what people assume even if they don't realize it just for their own peace of mind, because seriously, puppets and any identity that ISN'T aroace creates a really uncomfortable mental image for... Most people, pretty much. So it's not like he ever needed to say anything about it, which is convenient for him because he wouldn't want to say anything either way. not worth the risk of embarrassing himself and making everyone feel awkward

(side note ish though Rolfe 100% came out to Earl first and was met with "I already knew that but okay." Rolfe was mildly offended)

And spEAKING OF EARL he's VERY much sentient but he can't say he's particularly enthusiastic about it because Rolfe has to carry him around everywhere

He can move on his own but it's limited and generally annoying to maneuver around with his tiny body so he just says screw it half the time and stays on Rolfe's arm or hitch a ride on Random Object, but like... Yeah, the majority of the time Rolfe just has to deal with only having one arm available and a puppet directly next to him making fun of him at every possible chance

They high-key have chaotic and unorganized college roommate vibes (like they're actually roommates because... Where tf is Earl supposed to go?? So Rolfe took him in) and idk if this is really like a part of my headcannons or if I just think it's funny so I keep entertaining the idea of it but I think it would be Fantastic if Rolfe had no idea how to cook but Earl somehow did so this idiot is trying to take instructions from a puppet, who can't physically show him what to do, and it's like Hell's Kitchen live featuring a furry and a sentient stuffed animal

Aaaaamd going off of my Rolfe and Earl headcannons still Rolfe for SURE has some sort of executive dysfunction issue. ADD or ADHD I'm not sure (probably ADHD) but he definitely has it also this totally isn't just me projecting how dare you accuse me of that

And!!! More about Dook!!!! I don't know how or why I thought up of this but I cannot possibly imagine him any other way now-- he's autistic and space is his Big Huge special interest, and if you ever ask him about it you have to be prepared to get infodumped or possibly even shown a PowerPoint presentation, because GOD he loves space!!! He wants everyone to know all about it!! He knows not everyone thinks it's as cool as he does so he tries to keep his mouth shut but when someone asks about it he can't help himself and will infodump a LOT, also haha drumming stims go brrrr, playing the drums isn't really a stim but he likes to just take his drumsticks and whack em around in the air and get that good ol Wavy Arm Action (wavy arms is best stim change my mind you can't it's GOOD)

Also i bbbbelieve earlier I reposted somethin about someone else headcannoning that he has echolalia, which I don't really know enough about to say anything on it?? But even if he doesn't have echolalia he'd probably repeat phrases over and over until he gets tired of them (which is,,, something I do lmao, it's either memes I get stuck in my head or things I've heard from various medias I like the inflections in (like one tiktokker I saw was talking about their tourettes and their vocal tics and one of them was "uh oh! How unfortunate!" and now I CAN'T STOP SAYING IT)) but like uhhh yeah :))) repeating phrases that get stuck in your head for various reasons for the win

This is already really long so I'm just gonna vibe out thanks for coming to my Ted talk feel free to ask questions I probably won't be able to answer a lot of em though because my headcannons are a Mess hehe >:)

[aroaceconfessions]

Hello. I’m going off what an anon said about not being able to use asexuality as just an umbrella term for aromanticism without having to explain that they’re just not attracted to anyone bc aces have “pushed the whole we can still love idea so hard.” This is by no means meant to be a negative post. If I somehow do come across aggresive or otherwise, spam my inbox and let me know cause sometimes things sound one way in my head and another to other people. It just bothers me a bit, because one of the reasons it’s so strongly pushed is because we say we’re asexual and feel no sexual attraction and then are immediately bombarded with questions of ‘oh how will you ever find a relationship or find love or have kids or what have you,’ and I can assume that anon has experienced some of this too when trying to explain to some people because some people suck and act like those are the only things that matter. But for alloromantic aces, some may still want a romantic relationship without sex or a family or whatever else and it bothers us that people act like we can’t have it or that we’re incapable of love and feel like sex is required in a relationship or to prove you love someone.

I feel that if we can specify what kind of ace we are like gay ace or whatever else, on that same coin, then one can just as easily specify what kind of ace they are and identity as aroace. For me, I generally identify as panromantic asexual, but my asexuality is most important to me because it affects me most and it’s what I’m most aware of on a daily basis. When I find myself on the other end of sexual advances, I don’t specify what kind of ace i am, i just say I’m ace. There’s also the fact that on questionaires that will ask you about your sexual orientation, like tinder for instance, it’ll ask you your sexual orientation, and both asexual and pansexual are options, but until recently, you could only choose one. And both implies two completely different things. So asexual is sometimes what I worry about identifying with first and foremost. Especially considering that if I say I’m pansexual/panromantic asexual, I also still have to do a ridiculous amount of explaining too, and so would someone who is gay ace because not everyone understands what it means and how it’s possible to be both, and the amount of times I get asked that, especially on any site set up like tinder when panromantic isn’t an option so you choose both asexual and pansexual. There are people who understand pansexuality and asexuality as two different things, but then you bring in the idea of extended romantic identities like panromantic, and then they want more explanations.

I also know people who identify as asexual and nothing else. No specific romantic identity. Strictly asexual despite having romantic relationships because they choose not to label themselves further than that and that’s valid. I don’t really care that some people use asexual as a blanket term for their aroace identity, it’s similar to how people use queer or gay or such as a blanket ish term for other things sometimes, heck, i really specifically identify as grey asexual, but again, that leads to more explanations and simply just saying ace is so much easier. Regardless, I don’t think it’s fair to expect another group to have to further explain themselves simply so you don’t have to.

Asexual can be used as a blanket term but it is by no means strictly interchangeable with nor mean the same thing as aromantic. And as an alloromantic asexual, it’s important to me that people know that. Because they generally do mean different things. And I think it’s important to know that just because i don’t want sex, it does not mean I don’t want love. And I understand that wasn’t anon’s point, but just as they hate having to clarify they have no attraction to people, romantic or sexual, I hate having to clarify that I can still love and have relationships or kids or whatever else I want, regardless of not wanting sex. From my other ace friends, I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. And I’m sorry this turned out so long. It wasn’t my intention.

[anoriginalweirdo]

hi weirdos! i don’t know where you are in this strange world, but where i live it’s night and i was reading the new book of my favourite author @chronicintrovert , Loveless. it mainly talks about being aroace.

*phoebe bridgers on shuffle*

to explain you a bit i struggle with my sexuality for months if it’s not years. at first i identified myself as bisexual, then pansexual but to be truly honest i’ve always found hard to imagine myself with someone. i thought it was because i was maybe gay but i just freak out when i am supposed to ‘like’ someone or flirting with them. every time i had ‘something’ (it was clearly nothing) with someone it was because people told me that i had a crush or that i was in love when i was just having a good time with someone. people want to turn everything into romance every time and i am really tired. life doesn’t only turn around romance. i prefer to care about my friends and family rather than struggling with romantic stuff.

i’m sure you think that i am just super weird and complicated or i am just aromantic so i just have to shut up because it’s obvious. but it’s not that easy (of course weirdos!!) i’ve always thought i would find this perfect human being with who i would have kids and, you know the magic formula. i mean, it’s what people teach us when we’re all kids. but how do we do when we find attractive more than one gender? when we just don’t get all the romantic and sex obsession?

i don’t even talk about discovering that you identifie yourself to more than one gender. where do we all learn this? who teaches us this? i mean it’s life, it’s becoming people, right? but where do we find all of this when we feel too weird or ashamed about what we feel?

you would say: the internet. but the internet can’t fix all the time lost, all the explanations that we’ll have to do to ourselves and to people. the internet can’t fix this feeling of rejection when people don’t get it. it’s not only on the internet that we have to find who we are all alone, but in real life, with real people. in books, movies, music, at school, in public spaces.

it took me so much time to find that i am gender fluid and i struggled a lot in the past. and it also took me so long to finally find that i am aromantic. goddamnit! it may be important to know stuff about people who lived centuries ago or mathematics or i don’t know what the fuck else but when do we learn important things about being ourselves? about being people?

the internet can’t do everything. we have to learn things about ourselves, about who we are in real life!!

that’s it. i don’t really know why i wrote this, but here it is. i hope it makes sense. please remember that you are valid whoever you are!

btw: to be clear i don’t hate romance, i find that really beautiful and sweet when it’s healthy, but what i dislike is when the entire world turns around it and puts pressure on people to be in a romantic situation.

radio dark blue

[wish-ful-thinking513]

National Coming Out Day

Hi y’all! So, I know I’m really vocal about my identity, but I feel the obligation to do something for it, so I’m going to explain everything in one post!

Gender

Transgender: An umbrella term that means any gender that isn’t cis. This typically means the binary genders (ftm or mtf), but it can include nonbinary genders too.

Nonbinary: An umbrella term meaning anything that isn’t male nor female. It can lean to one side of the spectrum, be n the middle, or completely off the grid.

I use both terms because I have a connection to both, but I am definitely nonbinary. I’m not exactly sure what I am, so I just use the umbrella term. I was using it as a place holder for a while, but now I’m kinda just… whatever about finding a more fitting term. I’d be nice to have something more specific, but I’m not actively looking for something right now.

Orientation

Asexual: An umbrella term meaning not experiencing sexual attraction or limited sexual attraction. For me it’s the former. I don’t experience sexual attraction whatsoever. That being said, anyone who experience limited attraction and still wants to use it is totally valid.

Aromantic: An umbrella term meaning not experiencing romantic attraction or limited romantic attraction. The same thing applies to aromanticism about folks who want to use it. Again, for me it’s the former definition.

Not all aromantics are asexual and vice versa. There’s lots of aromantics who are allosexual, as well as there are asexuals who are alloromantic.

Oriented Aroace: A person who is an aromantic asexual who experiences another type of attraction that isn’t sexual or romantic, but is strong enough that it’s worth mentioning. For some people, it’s aesthetic attraction; for some it’s sensual; for me in particular, it’s alterous attraction.

Alterous attraction is something that is completely different from romantic and platonic attraction (there’s a misconception that it’s something between those, but that’s incorrect). I’ll be honest, I’m not really sure how to explain it because it’s so much a part of my life, and romantic/sexual attraction just really… isn’t. All I know is that for me, it’s strong and intense, but I just know it’s not something else.

Toric: A nonbinary who is attracted to men/masculine genders. This is the same thing as nblm. I just prefer this term to the other one. Being toric doesn’t mean you only like men, though it can. You can still like other genders and describe yourself as toric. For me, that’s the oriented part of the oriented aroace. I’m alterously attracted to men (and maybe masculine genders? I’m not too sure yet). I’m not sure if I’m attracted to any other genders. I experience strong aesthetic attraction for women, but it’s hard to tell if there’s anything else going a long with it. As for nonbinaries, I’ve known, like, three. My sample size isn’t anywhere big enough to even guess. Me being toric doesn’t make me any less aromantic or asexual, nor does me being aroace make me any less toric. All those labels are very important to me.

I also identify as queer: an umbrella term meaning anyone who isn’t heterosexual, heretoromantic, and cisgender at the same time (yes, all of these. This includes aspecs who use sam and straight trans folks). This is a slur, but it’s a reclaimed one. No one has to use it, but those who want to have the right. I very much want to. Being queer is a huge part of who I am. For me, calling myself that is liberating. It’s a nice and easy way to express my identity without having to break out the PowerPoint presentation. And even though I don’t mind being called gay, this word just feels more inclusive.

Hope this was helpful for someone! Y’all are wonderful, and I hoe you have a nice National Coming Out Day, whether you want to come out or not.