#-whether or not people hate me did WAY more for my sense of self worth as an artist

[bibibbon]

Horikoshi and Izuku (RANT)

It's to no one's suprise when I say that horikoshi hates his own main character but the problem is YOU CAN HATE YOUR OWN CHARACTER BUT MAKE THEM WELL WRITTEN AT THE SAME TIME (gege is capable of doing it with yuji)!!! Hori doesn't do this instead of logically making izuku suffer a bit in the narrative with stuff that is LOGICAL AND MAKES SENSE he literally just gives izuku BS problems to overcome and worst consequences. Look Iam not saying he has to like izuku and make everything good for him but I am saying he should treat izuku properly when it comes to the narrative and DEVELOP HIS CHARACTER. The main reason why Iam so upset about this is because Izuku is an interesting character who has so much potential to be better and he is the perfect main character for a story like MHA. I have said this before but izuku has SO MANY Parallels WITH SO MANY CHARACTERS it could be something as simple as shigaraki and izuku parallels or something as vague and hidden as aizawa and izuku.

Here are some issues that hori could of used and challenged his MC with:

Have him realise that he is WORTH more then he thinks he is - this is something very present within izukus character and hori did try/attempt to do this during the early arcs of MHA and the overhaul arc but it failed. I think this is one of the reasons as to why he is so self sacrificial is because he doesn't see his worth and lets be honest the narrative doesn't help him acknowledge it/ it makes it hard for him to do so but even if that is the case I do want to reach a point where he sees himself as worthy as of someone with worth.

Spend longer on Izuku's insecurities especially about him being an OFA user - it's without doubt Izuku has a lot of pressure to live up to when it comes to being the next and LAST OFA user which is something hori does try and tackle in the overhaul arc and a bit in ch 306 but it falls flat a bit. I feel like it would be better to have Izuku doubt himself from the get go when he gets the quirk and realises that he CAN'T AND DOESN'T know how to control it. Also, when Izuku realises he is THE LAST USER give us his thoughts, his fears, his anxieties. These are things that he would feel he is just a 16 year old with so much pressure on him that no one could handle.

Have Izuku realise that the way Katsuki and the way people treated him wasn't right also SHOW us how he feels about Katsuki and the apology in general - This is probably one of my biggest points because let me be honest katsukis redemption arc fell off for many reasons one of them being the lack of the victims opinion and before anyone tells me," oh izuku is kind he will forgive him and understand" or "obviously, Katsuki will be forgiven izuku cares for him" THOSE ARE BS CLAIMS BECAUSE IN THE EARLIER ARCS YOU CAN SEE IZUKU'S ANGER and negative emotions towards KATSUKI which hori just forgets about. Also, have Izuku acknowledge that yes people treated me badly and that I DESERVE BETTER

Have Izuku benefit from his relationships with other characters - what I mean by this is that in EVERY one of Izuku's relationships he never really gains something from them which makes it seem like he is distant with them so have the relationships he has go both way and not be one sided ( i wil go into deeper detail another time)

Focus on how getting a quirk has impacted Izukus life whether this be positive or negative - ever since Izuku has gotten into UA his life has dramatically changed but he hasn't. The only thing that cha he's about izuku is that he got a quirk that's it. Make izuku question this change make him try and understand if he likes this change or not? I mean he has friends now, his mum supports him, he has a father figure ( all might), he goes to one of the best schools and more. Have him feel confused about the change have him question if people would still accept him if he was his middle school self. Also focus on the negatives of him getting a Quirk, make him feel like an outsider he can't control his quirk etc.

Focus on Izuku's intelligence - Izuku is supposed to be intelligent this is when it comes to school work which we often DO see and his intelligence of strategy which is once in a while type of thing that WE NEED MORE OF. Have him rely on his intelligence to get by, when he is exploring with OFA have him try his own unique ways of releasing the quirk like OFA is power stockpile quirk so for it to do anything it needs to be released from the body which is something izuku can experiment with and him and mei ( a duo I love) can create support items to help this

Have him differentiate himself from all might / realise even all might is flawed as a hero - I mean NO ALL MIGHT BASHING but just have Izuku' s obsession of all might die down have him realise that all might has made mistakes and that he isn't some big great undefeatable hero but someone who tries his best and is reckless. Have Izuku understand that he can't necessarily be an exact copy of all might and that even all might caused some problems in hero society (unintentionally)

Izuku's anger - it's not unknown that when fighting and in the heat of a battle izuku can get angry especially when someone close to him is hurt. Iam all for that so I feel like it would be better to dive deep into that and explore why that happens also give him some consequences from those actions

Challenge Izuku's own moral beliefs - have him realise that hero society is flawed. That heros are flawed and so are villains. Have him question and change his morals especially when it comes to shigaraki. Can he really save him? Or is gran Torino right is death the only way to save shigaraki? Have Izuku strive for a better more equal society one that helps people and doesn't isolate others because of their differences?

Confront the problems he has with adults like trusting an adult to help you etc - we don't see this a lot with Izuku and honestly a lot of adults have failed izuku in his life which is sad like let's be honest even all might and inko failed izuku in their own ways

These are just a few ways you can improve Izuku's character and tbh there are definitely more I haven't included. You can also make izuku suffer from the narrative with consequences THAT MAKE SENSE!!!!

[onigiriico]

Haruka audio drama (t2) - English TL

[ audio drama on Spotify here ]

IT’S DONEEE- finally the audio drama is here, and boy is it a ride 😂 I tried to get this one out as fast as I could even if it took a bit longer than I would have liked thanks to time zones,, but here it is now lmao

As always, if you know Japanese & find any mistranslations, want to use this translation for something, or just have questions, feel free to send me an ask or reach out to me on Twitter!

⬇️ translation under the cut ⬇️

(door opens)

E: [Sorry] I’ve kept you waiting, Haruka.

H: Ah… hello. It kind of feels like it’s been a while, doesn’t it, Warden-san?

E: Yeah. It does. (steps closer)

H: Things have gotten kind of tough, haven’t they? Even the atmosphere within Milgram has completely changed in this… second trial, [I think] it’s called? 

E: I heard Kotoko has done some unbelievable things… (deep breath) How’s the situation with the others?

H: Futa and Mahiru-san seem to be having a hard time, since they’re injured.

E: …

H: Ah, um, since it’s a situation like this, we’re all staying close to Shidou-san. Kotoko-san is the only one who is acting on her own.

E: …Oh?

H: A-ah, um… Kotoko-san said she currently had no intention of attacking anyone, so Shidou-san and Kazui-san had cea– ceasefire negotiations, they called it? With her…

E: Ah…

H: U-um… is something the matter, warden-san?

E: You… Are you really Haruka Sakurai?

H: Eh? Wh-what are you saying? It is me! But everyone has been telling me that recently – that I’ve changed.

E: Yeah. When I think back to how you were trembling in fear back during the first trial… you sure have gotten bolder.

H: (giggles)

E: I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing though…

H: (laughs) If I’ve changed, then I’m glad! Up until now, I’ve always really hated myself, that’s why…

E: Hm?

H: A-ah, I think the reason I’ve become like this is because I had two benefactors, and one of them is you, Warden-san, so–

E: Huh?

H: I wanted to thank you, Warden-san!

E: Thank me?

H: Because you forgave me, Warden-san!

E: …

H: Because you told me that what I did wasn’t wrong…! That’s what changed me! I was saved by you, Warden-san…

E: You’re saying that I… saved you? Is this what Kotoko was talking about? Me becoming the instance offering forgiveness…

H: U-uhm…?

E: Well. If you’ve become more courageous, that’s a good thing… or is it?

H: It is. I felt uneasy about it this whole time… Someone as worthless as me having killed someone to gain attention, and a person who surely had more worth and more of a future than me, at that… But it turns out that I did nothing wrong after all! It wasn’t wrong of me to kill her! There was never anything for me to worry about…!

E: Oh?

H: It felt so strange…! Warden-san, you forgave me so, so much, it felt like a whole lot of people had accepted me! Ahhh… it was the first time I ever felt something like that…

E: (sighs) …Haruka Sakurai.

H: Huh?

E: You have killed a person. Surely out of a deeply personal reason - a person who was young and weak. Is that right?

H: …

E: Did you kill animals too? Well, it’s not like I approve of that, but since Milgram deals specifically with you having killed people, let’s leave that aside. …No, or is that also just my personal opinion…?

H: U-um, what are you…?

E: Ah, sorry. I got distracted from the main problem. What I meant to say was: How can a murderer like you make a face like you were just saved?

H: Huh?

E: This is only about the results of the first trial. This doesn’t go beyond what information I have gathered so far and what I have deduced from it. And yet – what are you murderer even hearing?

H: …

E: And also. Me, having saved you? That thought alone is a stretch. (laughs) Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. …And even moreso, I hate the idea of it.

H: …!

E: Your murder still isn’t fully solved. In that sense, the way you’re acting right now is simply wrong.

H: …!

E: Don’t get ahead of yourself. It’s all good and well that you’ve changed, but your past self might just have been smarter.

H: Ugh…! Why? Why, why, why are you saying things like that?!

E: …!

H: It’s weird! You said you forgave me, Warden-san! It’s weird for you to tell me that I’m wrong now!

E: …

H: Argh— it’s weird! It’s weird!!

E: Pipe down! You’re hurting my ears.

H: …You’re mean. You’re mean… I– I-I can kill any being that’s smaller than me, you know!

E: (laughs) You sure have developed an attitude. Go ahead and try. Idiot.

H: Don’t… make fun of me…! (he moves to attack Es, but gets stopped by the barrier) Gh… my body… won’t move…!

E: Is your memory that bad? Violence from the prisoners towards the warden is prohibited. Well… with one exception.

H: Gh…!

E: Did you kill her by strangling her like that? Someone who was that much smaller and weaker than yourself, to make matters worse?

H: Shut up–!

(Es slaps him)

E: I hit you as punishment for being an idiot. Maybe this will help remind you of your original intent.

H: … I'm not an idiot…!

E: You are, idiot! I don't dislike idiots who know their place, but as you are, you're a cocky idiot [instead]. Just looking at you makes me sick. Idiot, idiot.

H: You’re mean…!

E: Sure I am. Anyways, calm down [for now], Haruka. Your past self would've been a lot more cooperative right now.

H: (sniffles)

E: Hmm, I see. I’m starting to understand why Milgram is separated into three trials. All of you are- no, humans in general are dependent on others validating their existence. Any statements and actions can greatly change things for them.

H: Huh…?

E:  So the judgment I give to you will cause ripples like a stone thrown into a body of water, and reveal things I wasn’t able to see previously… Haruka, because I affirmed your beliefs, I got a deeper insight on you[r case]. Even if I don’t have much of a grasp on your current self, it’s still undeniably part of your true nature – one of the things that I’m here to figure out.

H: Warden-san… I don't understand what you're talking about this whole time…!

E: I won't say that it was a wrong of me to forgive you. But this does mean that I'll have to keep a closer eye on you from now on.

H: Even though you said you forgive me…

E: It was said from the beginning that this is a three-trial system.

H: Why are you bullying me like this?

E: I'm not bullying you. I'm simply trying to find out whether I should forgive you or not – and by extension, whether your actions were wrong or not.

H: There's no way it was wrong! If I hadn't done it, nobody would have looked at me!

E: You killed to gain attention? The you who was never loved by anyone?

H: That’s right! Because if I just remained a good-for-nothing, nobody would ever care about me!

E: Just because of that, someone—

H: Aren't I the only unlucky person here?! Because I'm the only one who could never do anything [right] since I was born, because I could never do the same things as everyone around me, my mother gave up on me and I stopped existing in her world!

E: And you believe that killing someone because of that was the right thing to do?

H: I don't know! Then what should I have done, in your opinion? Even after taking away what was most important to her, my mother still wouldn't show any interest in me! Are you saying that I should have given up on myself as well? Are you saying I should've been the only one to do that…?

E: Rest assured, Haruka. Taking your circumstances and your feelings into consideration, I'll judge—

H: As I thought. Warden-san, you're not my mother at all.

E: Huh? Never have been.

H: Yeah…? Yeah, right, everyone only has one mother. The mother who never looked at me wasn't my mother either.

E: What are you saying?

H: (laughs)

E: You're pretty scary, you know.

H: Haa… I'm sorry, Warden-san. For causing you trouble.

E: …

H: My mother was Muu-san all along.

E: Huh?

H: Muu-san is my mother.

E: I don't think that’s right.

H: It is, though?

E: Is that really something you can deny…

H: Muu-san praises me. The useless me… She praises me, acknowledges me, looks at me, and she needs me. My current self only exists thanks to Muu-san.

E: You did say that you had two benefactors. So the other one was Muu, huh?

H: That’s right. As long as Muu-san is there, I feel like there's a meaning to me coming to Milgram.

E: …

H: I've met my real mother, so I'm happy. I'm sorry for causing problems earlier. I need to be a good boy – for Muu-san's sake as well.

E: This is… the needs and interests of the prisoners lining up with each other… Something like this can happen too…? Haruka desires a mother, but what could it be that Muu wants from him…?

(machinery whirrs, bell rings)

E: It’s time, huh? Tch. There's too much new information, I can't keep up!

H: U-um, I'm sorry, kind of…

E: Suddenly acting all well-mannered…! Is there anything left that you want to say?

H: U-uh, something I want to say… something I want to say…

E: If there's nothing, that's fine.

H: …No, there is something…

E: What is it?

H: Warden-san, Muu-san is afraid of Milgram. Please don’t scare Muu-san any more.

E: You’re worrying about a stranger in this kind of situation?

H: Yes. Please forgive Muu-san next time as well.

E: You sure are asking something of me here. Viewing Muu as your mother is great and all, but she might only be kind to you in order to use you, you know.

H: So what about it?

E: …

H: So what if she’s using me? Isn’t it a good thing to be used? For someone to think of me as worthy enough to use me… isn’t that something to be happy about?

E: Haruka… you…

H: If you don’t forgive Muu-san, I’m going to kill you.

E: You really have no learning ability whatsoever. You can’t kill me.

H: Ah, right… Then… I’ll die.

E: You…!

H: Was that forbidden [as well]?

E: Not as far as I remember!

H: (laughs) See! I’m not an idiot, right?

E: Ugh, I’ll correct myself. You’re a real, gigantic dumbass!

H: That’s right. Ever since I was born.

E: Prisoner no.1, Haruka - sing your sins!

[farfromstrange]

Ok so

Daddy issues is so relatable, as in like growing up in a rough childhood (specially with a dad like that) I felt it to my bones.

Srsly, your writing made me feel like I was being heard. Like, now people are gonna realise why I don’t like when people get mad and raise their voices, why I’m such a people pleaser, why I wanna be liked more than hated.

And I can’t thank you enough, because not only did I feel like my story is kinda being said. But THE MATTHEW MURDOCK is the king comforting me, and I felt a huge sense of comfort (it sounds weird Ik) when I finished reading that.

I keep on rereading it a lot and it makes me feel so safe and secure for some reason.

Ik, you’re probably not gonna read this 😭😭.

But this is my thank you for being such an amazing writer!!!

LOVE ALL YOUR WORK SIS, DON’T STOP BEING AMAZING 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

Nonnie, it took me two days to figure out how on earth to reply to this because it made me so emotional, I struggled to find the right words.

First of all, I’m so horribly sorry that you had your childhood was the way it was. It’s not something you would wish on anyone. I think no one really wants to relate to what I discussed in Daddy Issues, but there are a lot of people who do, especially from the experiences they’ve had with their fathers. It’s needless to say that you deserve the world and that being treated like that is not the way to treat your own child.

That being said, you being so brave as to tell me this made my heart swell to, like, twice its usual size because I realized once again that this right there is the reason I even decided to post Daddy Issues. As self-indulgent as that fic is, and as much as I struggled with whether to post it or not, I figured that some of you guys might feel the same way or have experienced something similar, so I posted it in the hopes of not crossing a line by being too personal.

Reading all the responses ever since I posted it made me come to the realization though that a lot of you have also been traumatized by at least one parent in your lives, and it’s a cathartic experience every time to see and hear that I’m not alone in this, in what I’m struggling with—what we’re struggling with—and that you guys now know that you are not alone in this either. That’s why posting this fic was 100% worth it.

People who have not gone through the same thing often have a hard time understanding why we cry when someone yells at us, or why we feel like we always have to please everyone. They don’t understand that daddy issues often stem from serious trauma—it’s not just being drawn to dangerously older guys, and it’s not something to be sexualized in that context because daddy kinks are an entirely different thing—and that tends to make you feel extremely lonely because you feel like you’re exaggerating and ‘oh a lot of people have had it worse than me’. That’s hurtful though because everyone’s feelings are valid, and trauma will always be horrible, no matter the extent.

(And there is hardly enough representation of that particular psychological issue)

I didn’t think this fic would bring that many people together, but I’m so glad it did. I’m so glad it gave you, nonnie, some semblance of comfort, and that you’re finally feeling some kind of heard. Because you are. I feel you.

Sometimes all it takes is someone who understands. Sometimes we all just need a little bit of comfort. And sometimes people don’t understand, but the important thing to note is that you’re not alone. You’re never alone.

Anyway, you just made me cry. I’m not even kidding. I feel so grateful that I get to share my experiences with you through fiction, and that it actually helps you guys in a way. And it’s words like yours that inspire me to keep writing, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Whoever you are, I hope you’re having an amazing day, and I’m sending you a big hug 🫶🏻 And this is also a gentle reminder that you’re going to be okay!

[kyouka-supremacy]

I think one of the most fascinating aspects of Akutagawa's character is how he's distinctly constantly seeking answers. His very origin story centers around him looking for an answer to the questions: “Why do we live? / Why do I have to be alive?” “Can you give me a reason to live?”

Then again, when he's fighting against Atsushi in chapter 12: “Why? // Why did it have to be you?” “Why does it have to be you?”. It's like he's looking for the reason his life has come to what it is now.

And then, in the fight against Fitzgerald: “Where does that contradictory self-esteem come from?”. This one is interesting, as Akutagawa's questions start revolving around other people's actions rather than solely center over his own life. This time it's like he's really intentioned to understand what drives Atsushi (perhaps, to be able to judge whether Atsushi's reasoning is noble or not, decide if he's a worthy opponent; after finding the answer he will say “An utter disappointment. [...] I could kill you a hundred times, and it would never grant me honor or any military gain.”).

And next, one of the most interesting scenes of Akutagawa asking questions, from an exchange with Atsushi during the cannibalism arc mine break in.

I really like Akutagawa's pressuring, unavoidable questioning here. It looks like he's starting to be really, deeply interested in understanding Atsushi's thinking, which comes off as surprising (why would he be interested in understanding Atsushi's motivations when he hates him?), yet it's definitely there. I find it extremely fascinating as it shows a side of Akutagawa that is open minded and eager to understand others, which strongly clashes with the image of “cutting to threads anyone on his path with no second thought” the reader got used to.

Akutagawa, like he was following his own stream of thoughts, asks: “Why me?”; and then: “Why did you join this operation? [...] Why is a coward like you risking danger for the sake of another person's life?” “Why?” “Why?”

They're pressing questions- you can sense an increasing intensity in his interrogatory. Akutagawa is greedy to know the answer, and won't leave Atsushi any space to avoid him. He wants to understand Atsushi's behavior. He wants to know what drives Atsushi, so that maybe he can be closer to grasp what drives himself, what's the meaning of his life.

It's so evidently important for Akutagawa to know the answer to those questions that, not satisfied, he will bring it up again with Atsushi later, and in a life or death situation nonetheless; it's essential that he understands Atsushi, otherwise their collaboration will never work. “Answer my previous question. Why do you fight?” “There is a way out... [...] But before that, answer me, or I kill you. Why do you fight?”. Notice the imperative mood of “answer my previous question”, the strong command given by “or I kill you”, the urgency conveyed by repeating the same question twice; Akutagawa really wants to know the answer, he needs to understand what moves Atsushi. Because he will soon entrust Atsushi with Rashomon, so he needs to know if Atsushi is worthy; but I believe that, compared to the Moby Dick fight, this time there's more to that. Akutagawa's wish to understand Atsushi's actions isn't limited to judging him; he wants to understand him for the sake of it, because he's starting to be really interested in Atsushi, because he's starting to consider whether his motives aren't as shallow as he initially deemed them to be. Starting to question if Atsushi might actually be not that different from himself. All these questions he relentlessly asks feel like a desperate attempt to put all the pieces together in order to answer to his originary question, or goal, or wish: to give a meaning to his life.

Next, “Why choose me?” “Such a heavy responsibility, why place it on me?” Typical Akutagawa, this time questioning his self worth. Adding to that what he later tells Atsushi “Is everything a trial? What came beyond that night, that forest, was it part of a 'meaningful life'?”, it looks like Akutagawa has spent a long time asking himself if there was a bigger meaning to the way Dazai treated him, to the way Dazai effected his life and, for extension, if all of that was there to give a meaning to his life.

And then, finally, a question being asked to him rather than him voicing it himself but that Akutagawa without doubts asked himself: “Is his life that precious to you?”. Nnnnggghhhhh so this is how everything comes to a conclusion. It's something Akutagawa must have deeply thought through (or, maybe, the answer was already so obvious he didn't have to think of it at all). I really like this segment as it perfectly shows how much Akutagawa has changed and matured since the start of the story. Quite simply, yes, his life does mean that much to him. And that's because in the last months he started to give a new value to life itself. From merciless, ruthless killer he was, he started to cherish other people's lives. And to give other people's lives a meaning is probably the last push he needed towards finding a meaning to his own life, which is the question he's been carrying since the beginning.

[lunar-years]

💖💚for unpopular ask

💖: What is your biggest unpopular opinion about the series?

uhhh I have many. I would say my most unpopular are probably:

I don't care that the show had no big "endgame" ships. I actually appreciated it being left to interpretation on where we want the characters to go. And throwing them into relationships given where they are at in the end wouldn't have made much sense anyway. (beardjane was terrible but i don't count that as a 'big' ship lol. no one was shipping them. TOMATOES!!! -500/10). the show's focus was never romantic relationships to begin with fwiw so it's weird how much people center that in their conclusion about whether the show was good enough.

Ted going home to Henry was also Really Good and the Whole Point/Natural Conclusion of his arc.

I liked that RoyKeeley broke up. Didn't love where they went with it necessarily, and both of their characters deserved to be written soooo much better in s3, but I do think the breakup itself was a Good Thing that Needed to Happen for these characters to progress.

Given the season and events as they are written, I think Keeley is far more likely to get back together with Jamie immediately post finale than she is Roy. (I don't think she should get back together with either of them right away, mind you. My girl needs some time to not exist as part of a relationship, because she has clearly spent most of her life being in relationships and it has caused Problems to her sense of self worth that i am desperate for her to healthily address. And then I would ultimately very much like her to end up with both of them, lol. But I'm just saying finale Keeley totally WOULD get back together with Jamie).

In a very similar vein to all the above, a criticism i see ALL the time that absolutely drives me UP THE WALL is when people claim the writers fell into the ol' GirlBoss Slay trap with Keeley, where in order to make her an Independent Confident Businesswomen™️ they had to remove all romance from her storyline and claim that's why they broke roykeeley up. The writers wrote Keeley very extremely terribly in s3, do not get me wrong. But this argument that writers just hate romance and don't see how a woman can be successful and also be in love (when Rebecca, a very successful businesswoman with a major arc about wanting to find love is their lead female character, mind you), just feels like baseless ragey criticism from people mad about there not being a roykeeley endgame. Look, if that's what the writers were trying to do, they don't even come close to fulfilling the other end of that promise (trading her romance to make her a Caricature Slay Business Woman) because 1. they don't show Keeley becoming independent with her business at all (Rebecca just swoops in and saves the day) 2. they do a very poor job of showing her overcoming imposter syndrome and coming into her own and 3. after the breakup with Roy, they literally show her immediately jumping into another relationship. sooo. I think it's much more likely that the writers were attempting to show Keeley spiraling in the same patterns of self-destructive behavior she exhibited in s1 and s2. rather than attempting to wash away all her flaws I actually think they were trying to highlight and reflect on those flaws. Unfortunately they just did it very, very badly and left out the necessary other half of the arc that makes it compelling and successful: actually giving Keeley the space to recognize and reckon with those flaws. the problem is they too rarely let their own characters talk and have it out in meaningful ways. anyway.

💚: What does everyone else get wrong about your favorite character?

Roy isn't like THAT but he's also not like that. you know. people are always falling in love with completely different made up versions they've got of him and then acting like their Roy is canon Roy. Idk who that guy is but he isn't Roy!!! ughhhhhh. sorry.

[lemonsrosesandlavender]

Questions about me!

Thanks for the tag, @sleketon666 ! 😄 won’t tag anyone else as this briefly veers into somewhat personal mental health territory (and is under the cut for mentions of that.) This was fun!

Do you make your bed?

Yes. Not super perfectly but I just kinda automatically tweak the covers on a morning.

What’s your favourite number?

Don’t think I have one. Numbers are more useful and interesting in aggregate haha.

What is your job? // A job you had that would surprise people?

Hmmm well not to go into too much detail, but my real-life work is in science. I guess that might surprise people who know me for my creative side over here! (But also problem-solving inherently requires creativity, and a good plot a good dose of planning and internal logic. Perhaps they aren’t so dissimilar after all ;) )

If you could go back to school would you?

What? Primary school? Secondary school? Non. Secondary was rough until sixth form. I was so fucking bored a lot of the time, and harassment in my school was rife. Although I would love to do lessons with my art teacher again; she was wonderful!

University-wise: already did. Horrible undergrad, in a very high-pressure place, that completely destroyed my sense of worth and all my plans for the future. Took a few years out, went somewhere less horrible, and crushed it. Ta-da! (I mean I’ll forever have a lot of lingering self-doubt but you know. I did the thing. And proved to myself I both love it and am good at it).

Can you parallel park? // Can you drive a manual car?

I hate cars (on both an experience level and an environmental/political level) and will avoid learning to drive for as long as I possibly can. Luckily I love big-city life, which makes that easier!

Do you think aliens are real?

For sure, in a balance-of-probabilities way. The universe is vast. Will we ever find them? Again, the universe is vast. At the very least though, there’s some alien microbes wiggling away out there. That’s fucking cool.

(And watch the science on this, bc we FINALLY have telescopes capable of surveying the spectra of some exoplanets. Exciting discoveries about other planets’ atmospheres to come, and their reflected light, which can provide indirect evidence of life!)

What’s your guilty pleasure?

Oh boy. Bad reality TV. It’s a guilty pleasure because I know it’s a) completely engineered and b) exploitative. (And c) complete brainrotting rubbish). But then someone says “the new series of Too Hot to Handle is out!” and OOPS I am THERE.

Tattoos?

Nope. I’m not a tattoo person. I think some people carry them off but I wear a lot of different clothing silhuoettes and don’t enjoy tattoos half-peeking out of cut-outs. (I just like a “neat” personal style I guess?)

Favourite Colour?

Mmm midnight blue-purple. Some colours are contextual: that one is always perfect. (But I love colour full stop!)

Any phobias?

WASPS holy shit wasps. I know it’s irrational as fuck, and I know they’re important to the ecosystem. That is, in fact, one of the few things I cling on to when they’re really freaking me out. But suffice to say, you’ll never catch me sitting outside a pub in September.

As a kid I was terrified of hand dryers and air conditioning vents. To the point I spent every supermarket trip looking up to see whether I was standing under a vent or not. It is perhaps not surprising I ended up with OCD lol.

Favourite type of music?

Late 70s/Early 80s new wave. Talking Heads and Blondie my beloveds. 80s alternative generally.

Do you talk to yourself?

Unfortunately mostly when I’m struggling with OCD. I’ll curse myself out and say horrible things to myself aloud as effectively emotional self-harm. It’s not nice. (Don’t worry, I’m ok ATM. And have had therapy).

I will muse to myself a little sometimes, on a more fun note.

Do you like puzzles?

Yes! I go through occasional phases of being seriously puzzle-obsessed. Love a good overly-complicated Sudoku variant.

What did you want to be as a child?

Palaeontologist, all the way. I LOVED dinosaurs and would read my dinosaur books constantly. I think my faves were T-rexes (OBVIOUSLY) and Parasauralophus (probably not how you spell that and I suspect my ten-year-old self would have done a better job!)

Coffee or Tea?

Love them both. I drink more coffee atm but tea is great too (Lapsang Souchong being my absolute favourite. I need to order more!) I am 100% a caffeine addict but I find it so soothing. Even when I’m anxious, I want a cup of tea (yeah, yeah, sensible it is not. But ahhhhhh so relaxing).

Favourite Movies?

Star Trek: The Voyage Home. Just everything good about TOS Trek. Wonderful.

The Sure Thing: Underrated 80s romcom gem about an uptight, studious girl and a slacker-but-sweetheart boy getting stuck on a road trip together. It’s got a lot of humour and a lot of heart. Plus a great instance of the “confession via essay read in class” trope, which I love. The gif below is from this movie!

It’s a Wonderful Life//A Muppet Christmas Carol - I adore a good Christmas movie, and these are the best. I’m an atheist, but I adore Christmas; to me, it’s about kindness, family and community, which is why these films have me bawling my fucking heart out every year. (Yes, I cry when muppet Tiny Tim says “god bless us, every one”. Fucking come at me. Sniffle).

[bloomeng]

I was watching a video essay on SU Future and I was just reminded how much Future meant to me as it was coming out. I loved SU as a child but I sort of lost touch as I got older. It always meant a lot to me, seeing as it was a fundamental part of my childhood, but some of the glaring issues that became more apparent in later seasons endeared me less to the series. Back in middle school I didn’t really interact a lot with the fandom. I was just told from the sidelines that it was toxic and learned exactly why that was years later so I don’t really have anything to say about that. However, when SU Future came out, I was a senior in high school about to graduate during the pandemic. A lot of its themes resonated with me in a way that the rest of SU just hadn’t. The themes in SU had always been something that I really enjoyed and at times related to, but it didn’t feel as personal.

Side note about me, I’m not the kind of person who cries when I watch stuff even if it does make me sad. I can count on my hands the amount of media that has ever made me cry and by the end of SU Future I was sobbing and I had no idea why. Perhaps it was the timing or because it was the true end to a show from my childhood but that didn’t seem right, seeing as truthfully I emotionally checked out from this series years ago. At the time I didn’t really have the vocabulary to articulate why it was having such an impact on me. My life didn’t add up to Steven’s story in any tangible way that I could see. The only thing I could rationalize about why the series had such a big effect on me was that it was about change and growing up, and I was about to go off to college. Looking back I do think that’s a part of it, but I’ve come to realize it’s more complicated than that.

Pulling back from my personal experience for a minute, I was shocked to find out how many SU fans hated the series. I know at that point it had become this kind of the cool thing to shit on SU and Rebecca Sugar (which there is valid criticism in there) so I kind of took it with a grain of salt, but I was still pretty confused. I thought the series was actually very well thought out and uniquely reflective. To me, it made so much sense to explore this avenue given the nature of the show’s history. Because of course, Steven had years of pent up trauma and of course his savior complex lead to identity issues. And I was fascinated with the way this epilogue series interacted with our understanding of Steven as a character. What was once a cute little quirk of his personality was being fleshed out. We were finally seeing repercussions of the reality of self-sacrificing behavior. Whether it was the whimsy of kid logic or cartoon logic that blinded audiences, it was very overlooked that Steven based his entire personality and self-worth on helping others, and as soon as you take that away, issues are gonna arise. So personally, I thought it was brilliant to create a series where he was now older, and having to deal with the calmness in the aftermath of everything that it happened. Honestly, I think exploring that was more interesting than the series had been in years.

I’m not gonna pretend that it didn’t have hiccups, but all of SU had hiccups, and considering that, I would say this epilogue series ran way more smoothly than the last few seasons/movie ever did. And people critiqued the main series and movie, but the hard-core fans still stood by both, so I expected the same type of leeway to be given to Future. That did not happen. I kind of let it go because I never really participated in that fandom space anyway. Years later I came across a video essay talking about the series and they absolutely trashed it. So I revisited the series with their criticism in mind. I saw some of their points but I still cried at the end. 

One of the most common types of criticism that I see towards Future is that people don’t like Steven. I’ve seen this take range from extremely thought out points, to simply “I found him annoying and out of character.” I’m not ever here to police how you feel about a character but hearing that take over and over again, made me realize how few people seem to understand the actual intent of the series. You can be annoyed with Steven all you want but that’s also kind of the point? Mental illness isn’t cute. Trauma isn’t cute. Steven suffers from both and his actions aren’t supposed to be cute. I think the moment where it really clicked why all of this rubbed me the wrong way was when I saw a post from some random person online who pointed out that a lot of the traits that Steven shows in Future closely emulate traits of bipolar and bpd, both of which are highly stigmatized. I’m not saying he has either of those, the traits of mental illnesses overlap all the time and honestly I don’t think it’s important that we diagnose him, but I absolutely think that it’s worth noting. 

Steven’s behavior in Future is supposed to be uncomfortable. I think part of the reason why so many people had a negative reaction to Steven’s shift was— just like all of the characters in the series— they expected him to act the same way that he did when he was a little boy. It’s great to talk about mental illness when you’re discussing things like anxiety and depression but when the conversation steers into anger is generally where the line in the sand gets drawn. In some ways I understand because anger is often associated with violence, but anger is a factor for so many people when it comes to mental illness. Now that I’m older I realize the reason that Future resonated so much deeper for me was that I was seeing the nuance of a lot of complex emotions that I had experienced played out by a character I grew up alongside. So to hear so many people bitch about how annoying they found Steven was really disheartening. 

I just wanna put a quick disclaimer that I do not think that this is a perfect series by any stretch of the imagination. I think— like a lot of SU— it suffered from pacing issues and I don’t even wanna touch on Jasper. That’s a whole thing within itself. Bringing it back to the beginning and the first video essay that inspired this whole post, I came across a video essay talking about the positives of SU Future and it was a relief. I don’t really have anything intelligent to say on their video other than I liked it, and I recommend it (link below) but on an emotional level, it was just good to know that I wasn’t alone in liking this series.

[r-h-isaac]

So I've been working on my debut book Salvation for going on five years now, right? I spent that fourth year taking a break from it due to my cross-continental move and have spent this fifth year struggling to get back into working on it. Like, every time I try to work on it I hit this brick wall, and its always some issue or hang up that's keeping me from wanting to put in the energy to go through a sixth draft's worth of re-writes. The real vexing part of it though? I haven't had this issue working on other stories, stories that are just short drabbles. Stories that are either self-contained, or are fanfiction works that I can just dive into because I'm writing them for myself and folks who're already familiar with the source material. Thinking about the differences between an original work and a fic work, I'm noting the following observations: -Writing is lonely work The biggest obstacle to setting aside time to write is knowing that I have an obligation coming up, or people to take care of, or just wanting to have social time rather than sit by myself time. In that sense, I need to either use writing as "I want to be on my own" time, or use it to fill the gaps when other people aren't available to socialize.

It's a little bit of a problem, especially when I'm craving to collab with someone else, whether its streaming, story writing, or whatever. But, maybe, if I can embrace the isolation as a way to make some space for myself, I can find a way to work more consistently. -Establishing a setting can be incredibly taxing. I'm not the type of writer who gets super exciting about world building. If anything, this is the part that's felt like drudgiest busy work to do. Other people enjoy it, it's not for me. There's some amount of world building I need to do for any given story to help its context, its setting, but I think I need to avoid going into more detail than is necessary so I can keep my "camera" focused on what I enjoy most. -I need themes and characters to get invested It was easy to write Evening's Dreamer because I already had an idea of what the story was going to be about when I sat down. In fact, I was so excited to bang this out that I put my other writing projects on hold to work on it. It helped that I was writing an FFXIV fic and that the general structure was there, but I knew what its heart was going to be, which made all the difference for figuring out what to include, what to build to, and what setup was necessary. Prayers started as a difficult project because I kept bouncing between different ideas, but once I settled on one unifying theme, it made building the architecture so much clearer. I might know my story needs four legs, but if I can't decide between making a chair or a table, I keep waffling and try to mash the two together in a way that doesn't work. In both of these stories, I started with either a theme or a character and was able to use one to inform the other. In Dreamer, I had a theme that helped me figure out what my character was like. In Prayers, I had a character that I couldn't make feel right until I figured out the theme of her story. -I'm still trying to internalize "Just make the thing!" attitude Going back to work on Salvation after working on these short stories has definitely been for the better, but remembering how much pressure I'm putting on this book to succeed did not help. Redrafting is hard. I hate it. It's the worst thing about trying to get a story right, and having more story to fix makes it worse for executive function. The best I can do is to remind myself to finish the project and hope it's good enough for editing after I go back and clean it up. I hate how often I have to remind myself of this.

[letrashbag]

Alright, I've been looking at all the queer crap, so Imma rant about that today. (I also accidentally reblogged a Nimona post on here instead trashlikesmedia so oops, but you can see where I started.)

Labels suck but I need them so there. I consider myself asexual, I came to this conclusion last summer. I've never been in a relationship, never really had any crushes. I always joked about how I had a crush on this guy in like 3rd grade and he liked my best friend (who I didn't actually like but that's a different story), and I've never loved since, but like it's true. I haven't. I always had this idea that I just hadn't met someone worth crushing on. I would ask people how they got into relationships and they'd always be like "just be yourself, one day the right guy will come along and it'll all work out" which was not helpful at all. My younger sibling is queer and they kind of introduced me to a lot of different identities and ideas, and it just kind of grew from there. It all started with me acknowledging the fact that I didn't want to sleep with women, and I felt the same way about women as I do about men, so I'm bi? pan? ace? It took a while to get comfortable with it, but now I'm here confidently ace.

Then the romantic side of things got tough. I've been on exactly one date (it was terrible, I did not like the guy and he did not put in a lot of effort and it was so uncomfortable), and I've only ever really had one crush on a guy and it was such a weird experience, that I couldn't figure out what was going on. (that was actually last summer and part of me realizing I was ace was being excited to hang out and talk with him but physically recoiling when I even thought about kissing him), so romance was not my thing. I do identify as aromantic, because it's the label that most closely matches my feelings and experiences, but I still feel like it's not right. I don't know if it's because I genuinely am alloromantic, or because I so desperately crave romance.

The big deal of it all is that I grew up in a not great family environment. My parents hate each other, especially my mom to my dad. They have been outwardly antagonistic towards each other for as long as I can remember. (I think the only reason they haven't gotten divorced is because it would be too expensive and my mom doesn't want to lose my dad's paycheck.) That contrasted really sharply with all the romance I would read about and see in movies and stuff. I'm a big reader and I have always loved romance. So I grew up with this reality of a terrible relationship and a fantasy of a perfect romance. I constantly worried that I would either settle for a terrible relationship because I thought that was realistic or end up alone because nothing matched my standards. Now, I don't know if my aromantic feelings are just because I'm scared of relationships and all of that nonsense or if I'm just genuinely not attracted to people. It keeps me up at night. At the end of the day, I just vibe and hope that everything works out.

In regards to gender, boy howdy do I have feelings. Cause like, gender isn't real, it's a social and cultural concept that people cling to because they like order. This is not invalidating trans people, gender and body dysmorphia is a very real thing and associating your identity, experiences, and sense of self with a gender and/or sex is normal, whether it aligns with your gender assigned at birth or not. My sentiment is more about the way society views gender as 1) a binary that aligns perfectly with sex and 2) an inflexible and constant pillar of identity that comes before any other identifiers. This is where I got beef. At the end of the day, your personal experience of gender is just that, personal. It's a part of who you are, but it's also influenced heavily by the way society views gender and gender norms, that's inevitable. My personal feelings are just complicated. I identify as a woman and use she/her pronouns because it's easy, not because I feel particularly aligned with the female gender. I'm not uncomfortable being perceived as a woman, but I also just don't care. Gender just isn't something that I consider important to my identity. I am me, I love these things, I do these things, these are my opinions. Y'know? (It probably doesn't help that my sense of self is also just wack, but whatever.) Something that I am uncomfortable with is being viewed as a woman before being viewed as a person. I have always called myself an actor, not an actress. Cause what's an actor? Someone who acts. What's an actress? A woman who acts. Why should part of my identifier clarify that I am a woman? That just doesn't make any sense to me. This view is rooted in my feminist ideals as well, as I've always been an advocate of getting rid of gendered job titles, seeing as the masculine form is almost always the default. However, I can't help but correlate the feelings. I just want to be a person, not a woman. Most of my hesitation in reaching out to and looking into the genderqueer community is just imposter syndrome probably. I don't care about being a woman, I don't feel gender dysphoria, people on the street probably aren't going to hate crime me for not aligning myself with a binary gender, so why should I try to claim any of this. Maybe it's just me making up excuses and pretending to be queer so I can feel cool or special. Maybe all the queerphobes are right and I am pretending to aroace and nonbinary so I can fit in with all the cool kids without actually having to date a woman and transition. I know that's a messed up view. Everyone's experience with gender and sexuality is extremely unique and no one will fit into a single box. I'm allowed to have these feelings without hating myself. It's just hard and scary. But c'est la vie.

On a lighter note, I love the asexual pride flag, it's so pretty, and I love the aromantic pride flag, it is also very pretty. But the aroace flag isn't that great. The colors just don't itch my brain the way the asexual and aromantic flags do individually y'know?

Long post, but I got's lots of feelings. I'm sure I'll make a bunch of posts about queerness, it do be a thing, but this was a good way to get my base feelings just out there.

[rotationalsymmetry]

Read a post about how media affects the real world and it made me sad, not because it's incorrect, but because it's a "you're agreeing with me but in the wrong way" post.

media affects the real world because human beings assign meaning to our experiences and stories affect the potential meanings we have available in our minds to assign to them. For instance, for me, Brokedown Palace by Steven Brust gave me "oh wait, people don't need to be successful to be important, wanting to die because I tend to pick up projects and then drop them without finishing them is just...that's not what humans are for. Like it'd be nice if I had better follow-through but it's not worth killing myself over. Sometimes people can just be like that it's ok."

(btw don't read the book based on that, that's bouncing off a minor side character and is incidental to the main story. Do read it though, it's weird but amazing. And it's got side stories intermixed with the overall story like American Gods does.)

and Neil Gaiman's Sandman gave me "yeah, writing is super scary. That's ok. You can be scared and do it anyways and maybe it'll be the best experience ever" and "yeah, being privileged and having experienced meaningful suffering (and absolutely hating the society that created you and wanting it dead) can coexist" among other things. And Avatar: The Last Airbender and how to transition from "I have to do what the mean parent in my head thinks I should do in order to be a good person" to "ok no that has nothing whatsoever to do with being a good person, being a good person is a thing but it's not about that" and Mercedes Lackey's Heralds of Valdemar series and "your suffering is real, I believe you, I see it too." Which I did really need at the time because fuck knows I wasn't getting that from anyone I was interacting with in person.

(I got my mom into the series. She said she didn't like the "teenaged angst".)

What I mean is media affects the real world in that it saves lives. It validates pain. It helps people figure out their ethics. It gives courage and hope. It helps give people a sense of self. It provides comfort. It gives people a model for how to live their lives. It lets people see the world through other eyes, which can help people understand other people's perspectives in real life, whether that's a sibling's or somebody on the other side of the world.

Talking about media through the lens of representation is fine -- I'm still mad at the first episode of The Big Bang Theory for introducing for male characters who were more or less Like Me and one female character who was nothing like me -- but it's this tiny sliver of what media, what stories, do for people.

And can there also be harm? Sure. In the same way that you can make friends with someone who has a negative impact on your life. But overall connections are good for people, and overall stories are good for people, and more stories and a wider variety of stories are better so going "this is a bad story and shouldn't exist" is generally not good for people. But "there could be more stories like this/that have this", or "here is a story that has this I'm going to tell people about it", that is good for people.

[askaborderline]

Tw heavy suicidal ideation

Hi it's server anon again... Just want to vent and possibly get advice/reassurance? If you don't have the energy it's fine. I think I wasn't being fair when describing my situation, bc I did throw several tantrums there that made everyone uncomfortable and avoid/distance themselves from me, which is understandable. I've unloaded a lot of heavy stuff like self loathing and heavy sui ideation and I don't always tag/spoiler them which is my own fault. So no it would not be plausible to set up a friends only server because everyone i like talking to there like them more and I've already made myself the bad guy by being inconsiderate and throwing tantrums. I'm also told that i don't seem to be able to respond well to ppl reaching out to me... Always accusing them of secretly hating me, which makes sense to the more childish part of myself, who has been coming out more and more lately than my mature side. I just keep wanting to lash out because I'm not getting the results i want and it's frustrating bc it's like no matter what i do I'll be hated. Even though I know that's not the case and ppl are rightfully wary bc I'm just stupid and emotionally immature and insane. And now I'm just forced to deal with the consequences that i deserve and it just? Sucks. I keep digging my own graves. I'm so bad at being normal at friendships and i feel like I'm hardly ever in control of myself when I get triggered and it fucking sucks. I'm trying hard to be better at being normal esp after getting sev wake up calls but it's just. Lonely. And suffocating. And it's hard not to believe the little voice in my head that it will forever be like this. And it's my own doing and there's no way to fix it and every time people get cold or distant or perfunctory with me even though I know it's because i understandably exhaust them, because dealing with someone who constantly questions their motives and sincerity is exhausting. I still feel sick and nauseous and i just kept feeling like it'll always be like this, and I'll just be forever lonely and it's better to just jump off a very high building you know hahaha i know it's literally not that dramatic. I know this. Rationally i do. But it's so hard to convince that childish part of myself. It's like. I'm trying. I really am. I know it's hard to believe but i am. But often i wonder whether it's all really worth it when a leap would probably just end everything

Hey anon,

I completely understand where you're coming from. I spent the better part of a decade alienating all my friends, lashing out at everyone around me, not letting them get close bc I kept telling they'd fuck off anyway (and they did, predictably, when you keep telling them that), stealing money to feed my addictions, and constantly traumadumping and leaning on people without their permission - I think it's hard not to lean a lot into these behaviors early on with BPD, especially when you don't know you have it (which is how it was in my case).

You have an advantage here in that you do know you have it, which means you can combat it. The sad reality I have to say though, is that you may have to make new friends. Sometimes there isn't necessarily anything wrong with the old ones, but you may have burned bridges and that may not be a possibility anymore. And I know that's a horrible feeling and it just kind of makes you want to be swallowed up by the world, but that's not what it has to be. You will find new friends, and you don't have to erase your BPD to do so, you just have to let out those feelings and thoughts in a healthy environment. You don't have to bottle everything up - find people that are happy to let you vent (ask beforehand!), journal, look into DBT, play shooters or throw pillows at the wall to get your anger out, let yourself cry, etc. BPD Is not the end of healthy social relationships, you just have to put in more work to accommodate it.

And yes, that's not fair - no one should have BPD, no one should be forced to deal with it, and it's an absolutely miserable experience. But it's also not a reason you should die either. I may not know you, but I promise that you have worth, that you have value, and that you don't need to go to so drastic measures to make the pain manageable. It will never fully stop, but you can find yourself content, and you can even find yourself happy. Euphoric, really, bc the one bright side to this emotional dysregulation is that it makes the good moments better too.

Please keep fighting. You're worth it. You can come poke me here or at @fearofahumanplanet if you need anything else. I'm rooting for you.

[expfcultragreen]

This only makes sense if, in her mind, all trans women are interchangeable with the individual who assaulted her; why the stern aside about consent and adults and the snide implication that trans people are undesirable even to the stated appropriate partners? she's apparently frozen in the position of self-defense every time she encounters anyone who reminds her of the assault, which, like, i think she was a kid? So the issues of "youre not supposed to DO that and youre not supposed to WEAR that" are fused and now, decades later, whenever shes confronted even conceptually with transfem ppl dressed in a way their ASAB conventionally precludes, her brain goes kablooie on the definition of trans woman and she fills in "rapist MAN who shouldnt be WEARING A DRESS" and slides in a picture of whoever actually did the crime (jkr has more money than god but cant hire people to find out who it was???? She has to attack human beings as convenient effigies? Yknow even ms havisham at least had fond memories driving her nuts) and she proceeds from there, self-authorized to marshall the troops to stop her neverending freefall of reliving that particular incident of loss of power/bodily autonomy (which in this tweet she projected onto a transphobes loss of financial/workplace autonomy .......for harassment of a coworker. And jkr is all "this is not a drill" like ffs joanne, stand down, at ease). She doesnt question whether trans women as a group arent actually "men who shouldnt be wearing dresses" like her wiring tells her, but i question whether her assailant was a trans woman, particularly since jkr is so adamant about the impression that was created....its a strange thing for a woman to do, to be sure....tho not outside the realm of remote possibility, maybe. Regardless, find some private detectives, tell them the location and date and give them a description. I dunno, did this ever get said? Tell the world, you gave us gorier details already so......why not get the public on the trail, since its worth going to war over and all

England aint big, i know it was eons ago but, apparently its living memory for YOU so why not shake a few trees and see what rattles loose, put your mind more at ease eh? Closure?

Oh and here, consider it an allegory, it might help you:

A hint, because i know youll get this wrong: this isnt about "trans women are in womanface" this is about "men may sometimes pretend to be trans women while committing crimes; all you really remember is the dress ....and that you hate trans women now, evidently"

May it please the court, exhibit A regarding the trope-league status of "crime in transface":

(Imo the pineapple thief isnt trans and isnt in drag; this is a conscious smokescreen of 'dont pick on me, im but a humble deranged tranz...the belly isnt for hiding things its simply because i am so le tranz that i need to wear it, and i WILL make a scene about this')

Like i need to know more about the incident in question to understand exactly what her drama is, frankly

Zeroing in on, shes a kid and some 40 year old is saying "its ok since we're both girls" and shes just screaming "youre NOT a girl and its NOT ok", forever now because she didnt then......She gets on tweeto and compulsively says it into the cloud about perfectly nice strangers whose bosses like them, and then says 'see! See! Youre out to get me! My life is a never ending stream of persecution by People Wearing The Wrong Clothes Because Theyre Gross And Bad" when other ppl get upset and say wtf

Jkr when people are like wtf @ her for being transphobic:

Like ok, tell us about it janet

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E131 (March 30, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are Liam O’Brien and Sam Riegel!

Brian points out that a lot of Caleb’s greatest fears have come to pass. Liam: “It’s funny, because he’d kind of believed for a while that those things weren’t going to happen. After a while, he got complacent.” He notes that it was extra wild because everything with Trent popped up again in the midst of that complacency. And how did it feel to be defiant toward Trent? “I think Trent successfully made Caleb question if Caleb really was in control“ at the dinner party. “I feel like anything that I do is part of his plans for me, or is that just gaslighting? I’m legitimately scared of that dude.” Sam: “Of Matt?” Liam: “Sure.” He highlights the disconnect between knowing that the M9 is mechanically powerful and could possibly defeat Trent in a dice-and-stats battle, versus fearing him in a story sense and being convinced he can do almost anything.

Sam, on Luc’s death: “That was brutal, man. Matt Mercer is a-- he hates children! Clearly. He actively sought to kill a child in the campaign in as brutal a way as possible. He hates children and wants them dead. Canon. No, but to RP, that was horrible.” He highlights that so much of Veth’s arc has been about trying to get back to her family. “We had to choose something and we thought we were making the right choice. It was all Veth’s fault, and it was pretty rotten. My heart was beating pretty fast, and I certainly didn’t want to have my son die live on the stream. I don’t know what Veth would have done. That’s the end, that’s over. It’s almost worse than when your own character would die. This is something that would also kill Veth.” After the episode was over: “just shaken. I also didn’t know what to do next! That felt like a turning-point moment for my character, weirdly so close to what we assume to be the end arc of this campaign. I texted Matt later that night and was like, that’s it, Veth’s out, I’m tapping out.”

There’s an interlude in which Sam discovers a new dream to record an episode of this show from his Peloton. Dani informs him that she will not be inviting him back.

On Astrid, Liam: “I literally don’t know what she’s doing. I know that she’s dangerous, she always was ambitious, and there’s not been a moment where Caleb let his guard down with her. He’s not trying to reestablish what they had. He cares for the both of them, for Astrid and Eodwulf. He thinks about it a lot, still. He can’t tell how much she buys into everything that she experienced and is now living as a full-grown adult. He suspects that she’s bought in and is not going to change things, because she believes in the system, as much as he’d like to peel her away. He does believe that they want what’s best for the Empire, and stopping whatever wants to come vomiting out of a hole in the frozen north is good for everyone. And they’re powerful. They’re not trustworthy, obviously. But there’s enough at stake to make it worth it. He could imagine a situation where they fight each other to the death.” He was convinced Astrid was going to stop them when they left the tower and was really shocked when she held back. Sam: “Not me! I’ve trusted Astrid since day one. She’s the greatest! I sent a letter to her, she’s very nice, I think you guys would be a nice couple. I believe every word she says.”

On having to decide on Veth deciding to go off and save the world after Luc’s death. “Like I said, I was ready to be done. And then I decided somewhere in there that that’s not very D&D. So I thought I’d leave it up to somebody else, so I asked Caduceus to decide for me, essentially. She knows she’s putting her other family in danger if she doesn’t go. It’s an impossible choice, you know?” Liam: “I love watching you grapple with it, because you’re a lovely father and love your kids.”

On the Sanatorium, Sam: “That was brutal, man. Matt lulls you into a sense of complacency. We’d forgotten that Caleb was a stone-cold killer! It had been a while since he went on a murder spree. Still got it!” Liam: “I never meant for this character to be perfect sunshine.” Brian: “You don’t say.” Liam: “He’s very not-perfect, and I think in his brain, he was going in with the impression that they needed to get in and get out as soon as possible. The place is crawling with people with magic ability, and I didn’t have faith that we wouldn’t be sussed out or something wasn’t going to blow an illusion.” Everything was about getting out of there as fast as possible.

Did the conversation with Yeza help with Veth’s decision? “First of all, every conversation with Yeza is a beautiful one. Every time she talks to Yeza, it makes her feel good. In some ways, she’s gotten to the point now where she knows Yeza’s going to be supportive, she knows he’s going to allow her to do what she wants, but maybe that’s too much. Maybe she needs to not listen to him, basically, and be like, no, you need to be selfish now, dude, you need to say ‘come home, I’m sick of you leaving’. At a certain point, being supportive can turn into being enabling.”

Cosplay of the Week: Jester in the snow! (liljerbear47, photography by kairiceleste on Instagram)

On Trent’s motivations for chasing Caleb: “I really don’t know. The simplest explanation is to just hammer down the nail that’s sticking up. It has crossed his mind that all high-level wizards are in danger of their own ambition and egos, so it’s occurred to him that Trent might have the same kind of ideas that Halas had in the past, and maybe Caleb was always meant to be another body to jump into. Maybe in some sick, disgusting, twisted way, he wants him to be his successor. I am thinking of the next campaign, without getting too deep in, trying to do something that is much more ride-along. Caleb is very, very specific, and I thought long and hard about all the different pieces on the chessboard for him. For campaign three, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens.”

Dani: “Do I need to be keeping lore on your fucking ads?”

On the cursed dagger: “It was a tricky one, because in campaign one, one of the characters was under the influence of a cursed weapon, but it interacted with him and he knew what it was and what it did. And it affected his gameplay as a character. For me, Veth didn’t know what it was, ever. I as a player knew what it was doing, but Veth didn’t know at all. So it was kind of like my dirty, dark secret for many months. I knew this thing was coming perilously close to killing me, but my character didn’t know enough to bring it up to her friends. Nobody ever asked! So I was like, well, I guess this thing’s just going to kill me one day, and it’s kind of going to be a surprise.” Liam: “Sam, you love danger and self-destruction so much, you might as well be Mollymauk.”

On the fight in Yasha’s sequence, Sam: “You gotta put a character in your storm giant creature. It was so fun! It was so great of Matt to involve us in this encounter. It would’ve been fun just to watch, because Matt would have made it amazing and Ashley was sweating bullets, which is always fun to watch.” Sam notes he felt guilty, but Liam was going for the kill. Liam: “Matt’s gotta be careful about giving me that kind of story beat. I do not fucking care, I just fucking flip, I’m like, well, I’m going to destroy you, and I have no qualms about it. It’s too much fun!”

The Beau/Yasha tower date was in part inspired by not being able to give gifts as easily this last year. “This thing that we do together is a gift, but I love finding these moments, like the book for Jester and the tower for Yasha and for Beau. I really just wanted to give both of them a little magic for a night. I wanted them to leave this-- we’re trying to be as entertaining as possible, but shit is having an effect on all of us too, and I wanted them to have an escape, a great place to escape to.”

Fan Art of the Week: an amazing group shot, plus Marion, Yeza, and Luc! (vocaz on Twitter)

On choosing Essek over Trent, Liam: “It would have been so interesting and awful and great! Essek and Astrid and Eodwulf are everything that Bren used to be attracted to that are terrible for him. Essek, hopefully he can with time find a way out of the hole that he dug himself into, but it was only two months ago where he was found out and his ambitions came crashing down around him. Long-term, I have high hopes for him, but I think it’s going to be hard.” In contrast, Astrid and Eodwulf are still “deep in the shit. It would have been really hard to navigate, but fun to play at the table. We made the right choice with what we went with. Essek’s just getting started, and Caleb doesn’t trust him entirely, because he was burned so hard not too long ago. He’s still more trustworthy than the other three. So it’s the better choice. While Caleb has all these ties on the other side, they’re really fucking dangerous. So if you have to choose, you choose Essek. But fuck that die.” Sam: “Veth, much like Sam Riegel, makes instant decisions about whether to trust someone or not and sticks to it forever. Astrid, 100% trust. Eodwulf, 100% distrust. Essek, completely distrust. I still don’t think he’s a good guy. Ikithon? Trust. 100%. Because you know where he’s coming forward, you know what he wants. I still want him dead, but I trust him.”

On Veth’s post-adventuring plans: “Veth is probably still too in it right now to think about what comes next. I, Sam Riegel, have a good idea of what I want Veth to do post-campaign.” Brian: “Maybe you shouldn’t tell us. Save it for the show!” Sam: “All she knows is she can’t do this anymore. It’s very unhealthy to be battle-wounded every other day. It’s fun for a while, but college has to end at some point, and she’s gotta go home.”

On Frumpkin changing appearance and returning to the Feywild: “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but the way it feels now for Caleb is that he feels too enmeshed in everything that has happened, and too much good has happened, and too much needs to happened, that that really narcissistic, selfish goal has the risk of harming everything else, which is more important. And that’s how he looks at it now. So he’s gearing towards letting everything from the beginning of the campaign, and where he started, go, and trying to figure out what use he’s going to be now and what he’s going to do if they’re not all dead. If Matt throws that shit down, I don’t know what I will do, I think about it a lot. But turning Frumpkin white and saying you’re free either way is him preparing to let go of everything he’s been holding on to for a really long time. He’s addicted to that idea that he can fix himself, and we’ll see if that hard choice gets presented, what he might do. But where he stands now, he doesn’t think that’s going to be reality, and he sees a way that he can be of use that he never really anticipated before, so he’s slowly shifting gears towards living with the pain he was trying to remove.”

On the last request scene and confidence heading into Aeor, Sam: “I feel like that’s a good request. I think all of us realized that if we die, that probably bodes badly for the world. I feel like all of us are at a point now as characters and as friends, that the first order of business would be to take care of everybody else’s shit, although we probably have different ideas of how to do that.” Liam: “I want the Empire to be healed, Caleb has all these memories of his parents and what they wanted for the world, and he wants that too. It’s clearly not in place now, the system needs to be broken and replaced. That could be a part of Caleb’s sunset. I don’t want Caleb to die, so maybe he can work on that after. As everything starts to shake out and we start heading towards our destiny, Caleb’s just free-floating. He’s not even going after the same thing he started for. So he’s looking at Veth’s family, and Luc specifically, and seeing that’s me, that’s a little boy in the Empire.”

[diavolosthots]

Hey Queen! Beautiful Queen whom I love and adore! <3 It's me! Your bitch! That bitch! I was just thinking like, some wholesome Belphie is very much needed everywhere and for everyone. Like, MC is feeling super cuddly and stuff and they go to Belphie and it's just super fluffy and super cute, and really sweet - @belphies-cuhm-sluht <3

I scrolled until I found your request because I know you need it and I hope you feel better soon, cutie @belphies-cuhm-sluht

Cow Pillow (BELPHEGOR X GN!READER)

It used to be that sleeping your life away felt almost like a sin, like it wasn’t allowed. There was a time for sleeping and there was a time for doing things and out of 24 hours in a day, only eight could be spent resting or you’d feel guilty. Maybe it’s the work drive in you or maybe it’s the feeling of endless guilt that makes you feel like you have to prove yourself by doing things, more things, and definitely things done better than by others. Maybe it’s also because too many people called you lazy throughout your life so you vowed to never be lazy, somewhat neglecting your own self to prove to others that you were worth it. Who cares if you suffered, as long as everyone else was happy with you, right? 

But throughout the years you found loopholes in that. They’re not even loopholes, but to you it makes more sense, and it makes you feel less guilty, rather than outright admitting that you like being lazy. These loopholes range from things like “I have spring allergies so I need some more rest…” to “well, it’s technically not due until the 25th…” to “People deserve love and affection and cuddling is my preferred type. It’s necessary to be loved in order to function.” All of these are valid all on their own, and yes, all of them are considered valid reasons, but it still makes you feel guilty admitting that, so you call them loopholes. Life’s loopholes to make you feel a little less shitty about something that’s, in all actuality, completely normal. 

Today’s ‘loophole’ however, was actually something new to you, kind of. It was rainy and storming; the perfect weather to kick back and just relax. Maybe read a book so you couldn’t call yourself completely lazy. After all, reading does challenge the brain and as long as you’re stimulating some part of yourself, whether that be mental or physical, it’s okay, right? It totally counts. But you also had someone with you that’s… the complete opposite of you and he lured you in. He lures you into the deep depths of laziness that you’re unsure you’ll ever be able to get out of once you’re in them. It’s almost creepy how he does it, too, without even lifting a finger. Without a worry in his mind. Without… trying. 

Belphegor didn’t care what people thought and somewhere, you admired him for that. He made it seem so easy. So what, he sleeps for 36 hours straight and no one bats an eye. If they do, he just avoids them. He doesn’t even pretend to give them the time of day and he’s explained it to you many times before. “Why would I worry about people I will never have to deal with, ever? Now that’s tiresome.” and it made sense. It would be tiresome to constantly think about how other people view you, don’t you think? Belphegor himself is hated by some, neutral for many, and loved by few, but he doesn’t care. The few people that love him, love him a whole lot and that’s all it takes for him. Maybe it’s also easier for him because that’s his avatar. Maybe. He does wonder how you do worry so much, though, because to him, that is crazy. 

He actually made it a point to influence you as much as he can just because you’re almost as bad as Lucifer when it comes to getting stuff done and besides the fact that it’s, in his eyes, annoying, he also doesn’t want someone as interesting as you to end up with Lucifer. What’s that supposed to be? Wanna-be dad and step-parent? The last thing he needs is for the person he’s interested in to call him son. No thank you. Anyway, he made it a point to enter your dreams and drag them out a little bit (a lot) longer than they’d usually have. The small “oh my God I slept through my alarm!” that he heard the first few times had him laughing, but also thinking about how adorable it is. “You worry too much…” is what he’d mumble in his own sleepy voice. 

Now it’s gotten to a point where he openly talks to you in your dreams and you willingly drag things out with him, but when you try to do the same in the actual world? He pretends to be asleep. Not because he doesn’t like talking to you, but he just feels more comfortable when he’s somewhat in control and can remove himself from the situation if need be, you know? That’s why he keeps his distance. He did openly admit that to you, though, and that’s fine. At least you know where he stands and that he doesn’t hate you. However, today you just… you just can’t wait until you fall asleep and until he enters your mind. It’s raining outside and you feel somewhat lonely. You’re in need of company and he’s your favorite type of company, even if you mainly hang out together in your mind. So today, you decided to just go into his room and join him. The worst he can do is say no, right? 

But he didn’t even do that. As a matter of fact, he didn’t even realize you entered until you stood in front of him and in all honesty, he didn’t even fully register that either. It’s more like… he realizes he’s not alone but he’s also not awake and he definitely doesn’t care enough to open his eyes. “Hm?” You were already whispering his name, explaining awkwardly that you just needed to cuddle. “Cuddle…” he just repeated the last word, rolling over onto his back and for a moment you feared he didn’t even recognize a thing you just said. “Okay… come here then.” “Hm? Are you sure? I can leave again Belphie…” Maybe you should take this day to do something productive? Everyone else will already be lazy so one person should do something, right? 

“Yes, come here. Lay down so I can lay on you.” He’s still not opening his eyes, only scooting back for you to join him on his bed and then waiting. You can either join or leave again and he doesn’t really care which option you choose. Except he does. He just won’t admit it if you choose wrong. “O...okay… yeah. I’m already here.” And you really, really would like to cuddle with him, after all. You laid down beside him, carefully, trying to respect his boundaries but also trying to remember that he did want to lay on you so should You lay on your back? “Oh… oh yeah okay this is fine.” You couldn’t even ask him because the minute he felt the bed dip, he moved back closer to you and curled into your side, placing his head on your chest and wrapping his arm around you. 

“Is this okay? Belphie?” He only hummed in response, nuzzling into you, and you carefully wrapped your arms around him too. It felt nice. Really nice, and you found yourself relaxing almost immediately, although you did blame it on Belphie more than anything. He does have that calming effect on people after all. “You’re better than the pillow, but…” You looked down at his head confused until you felt him shift, his face buried deep in your chest now while he tried to keep his horns away from poking you. His tail swayed behind him for a second before wrapping around your waist right beside his arms. “That’s better…” you looked at him, poking his horn for a moment before laughing. How is this better? How is this comfortable? Can he breathe? He must be breathing otherwise he wouldn’t lay like this, right? 

“You worry too much…” “What?” How did he know? You weren’t even asleep yet. He chuckled, lifting his head a bit and smiling at you, eyes still closed. “I don’t need you to be asleep in order to be inside your head… stop worrying so much. I know you want this.” He put his head back down right after, his whole body relaxing against yours and for a moment you wondered if this actually happened. “Belphie… I just…!” “Yeah I know. You want this but you worry about not doing enough. Just shut up already, okay? You, of all people, deserve to relax and what better way to relax than with me? Just ssshh… go to sleep. I won’t let you leave until I decide that you have rested enough.” And by that he means… you’re stuck with him on top of you until the next day has come and he’s thoroughly convinced you took some time for yourself. 

“You’re so silly, Belphie…” But it also felt really, really nice to have someone that seemed to care so much. And he does. He cares a lot. And he wishes you’d be more like him, in a sense, but then again… he’d just keep you with him at all times and make you his new cow pillow. It’s not like that’s going to be an issue, though, right? 

[corrupt-fvcker]

Dating Loki Headcanons…

Dating HCs ( Loki Laufeyson x GN!reader )

Warnings: SFW, gender neutral reader, mentions of loki being gender fluid, fluff, kissing, drinking, marijuana, domesticity, unedited, me lowkey roasting Loki

Word Count: 2.1K

Author’s Note: NO LOKI SPOILERS!! so i just finished the finale and… wow. feel free to send me a message about what you thought about it and/or some requests for loki :) i can also do requests for elaborating on these bullet points. also please correct me if i used improper terminology while writing about loki exploring himself as being gender fluid, i wrote it with my experience in mind though i understand that everyone is different.

Being Loki’s partner is not always easy.

Now, don’t get me wrong, loving Loki is nothing short of a magical experience. When you’re together is when you’re both happiest, it feels as if the stars align and a pleasant sense of peace settles over your conscious like morning fog.

Though, admittedly, loving him can be a bit dangerous. It’s electric. He fills you with energy and passion and power, yet if you’re not careful, you’ll get shocked.

Luckily, Loki is well-aware that he has some work to do when it comes to navigating his thoughts and feelings. While he may be proud and reluctant to admit his issues, he does force himself to do some inner-work for your sake.

He’s incredibly thoughtful when he wants to be. In the beginning of your relationship, it was easy for him to focus on himself. He’s a survivor and a schemer, he weighs his options and picks whichever benefits him the most.

However, as your relationship progresses, he learns to be more selfless. He eventually realizes that he’s happiest when you’re happiest. And over time, he switches his mentality from “how can I benefit from this?” to “how can we benefit from this?” You’re a team, in his mind. One cannot fail without everyone failing, and one cannot succeed without everyone succeeding.

He found that caring for others, specifically you, gets easier the more he does it. The more natural it becomes. He observes. He learns. And he forms habits.

After a particularly cold date involving an unanticipated rainstorm and only one available jacket, he always carries a spare sweater or coat with him, whether it be his or one of yours that he stole borrowed from your closet. And yes, he was a little too proud of himself the first time you needed the emergency sweater (definitely referred to himself as “insightful” and “genius” the rest of the day).

The ocean will dry up before there is a shortage of blankets at your house. He knows that he runs more than slightly cold, and he will not have you suffer from the fact. Heavy blankets for winter, fluffy blankets for autumn, light blankets for summer, knitted blankets for spring— this man could probably open up a blanket shop if he wanted to (he doesn’t, you made that joke already).

He has the smallest tendency to doubt himself. And by that I mean he is filled with self-doubt and insecurity about half the time. Not necessarily with day-to-day things. He knows that he can do chores, drive a car (barely but you’d never tell him that, you’d rather just insist on driving), charm just about anything that breathes, and summon anything he desires in a blink of an eye. But the small yet important things are what get the best of him. He worries you’ll find him to be too much work for what he’s worth. He stays up late at night, sure that one day he’ll step too far over the line. He’s nearly certain that you’ll eventually see through all his bells and whistles, and realize that he’s really not as magnificent as you had originally thought him to be.

Though, much to his fortune, you see through his bullshit. You know that he’s secretly insecure about your relationship and a lot of his qualities. And he’s forever grateful that you’re willing to look past his flaws and still love him. Or, in the very least, tolerate him.

Adjusting to life on Earth does spark a bit of an identity crisis within him. His life of luxury and royal privilege is gone. Though on the bright side, so is his life of torture and misery.

But nevertheless, he does find himself struggling to identify with the parts of himself that he was once so sure of.

He cuts his hair short and then grows it out. Changes his fashion tastes, changes the way he parts his hair, changes the literature he reads.

The changes don’t bother you, in fact you’re glad he’s finding healthy ways to adjust to this major lifestyle change.

At one point, Loki even changed his physical form. For a few weeks, he allowed himself to grow comfortable in his skin as a frost giant. While he didn’t feel entirely himself in this form, he was glad that after a few weeks the anxiety around it faded.

After trying out his form as a frost giant, Loki morphed into female form. While Loki was initially worried to see how you’d react to this change, she was pleased to find that you were happy as long as she was happy. For a few months, Loki remained in female form but ultimately reverted back to male form. Though on occasion he finds himself switching between the two.

He tends to be clingy. He likes to be touching you or have you touching him, though he enjoys when you’re both touching each other at the same time best. He likes it when you lay on top of him with your head on his chest, he likes to feel your heart beating against him. If you play with his hair, he’ll melt. He prefers keeping it long so you’ll braid it— he acts like he doesn’t enjoy you braiding his hair, but you know he does.

Kiss him on the tip of his nose. I dare you. He will turn dark pink before you even pull away.

He will never turn down the opportunity to hold you in his arms. He will kiss the top of your head if he can reach, and if he can’t, he’ll grow a few inches so that he can.

He enjoys cooking for you. There’s just something so simple yet domestic about cooking you something yummy. He’ll attempt to make all your favorite dishes and follow all of your dietary needs. No meat? No problem. No gluten? He’s got you covered. No dairy? He wouldn’t even think about adding some milk or throwing in some cheese as a harmless prank.

Which brings me to an important note: do not prank this man. He will take it personally. And he will not stop until he gets even with you and then some. Petty pranks don’t work on him either. Baby powder in the hair dryer is obvious and he’ll just point the dryer in your direction.

If he’s sick, good luck. You thought a god like him would be above a common cold. You were wrong. He gets super clingy, super whiny, super needy, and kinda turns into a dick. He needs to be spoiled. You need to treat him like he’s dying and these are his last days. If you try to pull “I can’t kiss you, I’ll get sick”— good luck with trying to get him to stop pouting. Don’t say I didn’t warn you (definitely push multivitamins on him for your sake).

He takes the longest in the bathroom when he’s getting ready. Which is ridiculous because he can simply poof! himself into an image of perfection. You’re starting to think he enjoys how irritated you get when he makes you late.

Also, warning! He’s an attention whore, to simply put it. He likes the spotlight, especially when it’s your spotlight. Shower him with affection please, it’s the only way he’ll ever shut his mouth. He’s not scared of causing a scene if it means he gets to spend some more quality time with you. It’s cute but you hate it.

I don’t make the rules, but Loki definitely shaves his legs in the shower because he likes how smooth they are. If you don’t like it, stay mad about it.

While Loki is fancy as fuck, he does love the outdoors. Earth is a beautiful planet, even if he is reluctant to admit it. He loves nature, specifically green forests, sandy beaches, and wild animals.

Side note: never take this man to the zoo. You thought he’d enjoy it because of his love of animals. He ended up freeing about half the animals in the zoo and breaking into about a dozen of the enclosures.

He does not understand the internet at all. Memes? Yeah, not his cup of tea. Though there has been a handful of times you’ve found him smirking over some internet articles, only to find that he enjoys reading insane “Florida man” stories. And he’s also not above arguing with people on Facebook and Twitter. Be careful though because he will throw his iPad across the room and throw a temper tantrum over some “abstract imbeciles.”

He loves dancing. He loves dancing with you even more. He’s got some pretty good ballroom dancing moves but he’s a little clueless when it comes to hip-hop.

Very protective over you. Almost to a dangerous extent. Definitely the type that’s ready to throw down with the first person that looks at you funny. If you get catcalled, hold this motherfucker back because he’s already got a knife in his hand.

Surprisingly, he likes kids. He’s not particularly sure if he wants to have children himself, but it’s definitely a conversation he’s interested in having with you in the future. If you’re against having children, he’s unbothered. If you’re interested in adding members to your family of two in the future, he’s ready whenever you are.

He’s not a huge fan of pets. Though if you already have a pet when you meet or get a pet as a surprise while you’re together, he’s not too bothered by their existence. Definitely gets jealous of the attention your pet receives though. He fits the role of “I did not want this animal but, for some reason, it loves me the most which means I will kill anyone that dares to hurt it.” You tease him when you catch him playing with the pet he didn’t want.

Also, Loki’s a lightweight. Which you find hilarious, because it is funny even if he pouts every time you tease him. He gets incredibly rowdy when he drinks, expect singing, dancing, and broken glasses. He also gets very touchy so don’t be afraid to bop him on the nose if he’s doing too much.

It takes a few years of Loki exploring Earth’s culture before he grows comfortable with the idea of smoking marijuana. But once you explain to him that it’s perfectly safe and that you’ll be by his side the whole time, he’s open to trying it. When Loki is high, expect lots of flirting, lots of touching, and lots of giggling. Don’t even bother playing a stupid comedy movies because he won’t watch it. He wants to spend this high cuddling you and discussing bizarre subjects. Pray this man doesn’t get the munchies because he’ll clear out your whole kitchen. Keep water on hand because he will definitely complain incessantly if he experiences cotton mouth. But if he’s lucky enough to not have an abnormally dry mouth, he would definitely encourage a lazy make out session.

He will definitely come up with a number of super creative terms of endearment for you, but some of his more generic favorites are sweetheart, darling, dear, and love.

Please please please make fun of his Asgardian accent. Mock him, dress up as him and run around the house pretending to be him. Please!!

He also has a thing for you wearing his clothes. I won’t go in depth (unless you want me to) but it does things to him.

You bought him a multi-color beanie with a pom pom sewn to the top of it. You were able to trick him into wearing it once (you told him it was peak Midgard fashion) but Stark ruined it. If you wear this beanie it will still do things to him.

Please let this man style your hair, or at the very least let him wash it when you shower together. But if you let him style it, he’ll get all giddy. You’ve caught him practicing his braiding technique multiple times.

He will want to spoil you. He doesn’t really understand money, and he definitely doesn’t understand what a budget is. But if he sees something that makes him think of you, he’ll buy it. Maybe even buy several of the same item. Please let him shower you with gifts, it’s one of his love languages.

His other love languages? I’m gonna have to go with all. Definitely a sucker for physical affection, but also won’t turn down a genuine act of service or quality time. Also compliment him. Like, a lot.

( masterlist ) ( reblog to show support 💞 )

[aminiatureworld]

Spotlight

Characters: Albedo, Kazuha, Xiao, gn!reader

Word Count: 3,707

Warnings: Swearing

Premise: Modern AU in which the reader’s s/o is famous.

Author’s Note: My first crack at a modern AU and I enjoyed it immensely! My personal media of choice definitely came through in this prompt. I would now kill for Albedo to read Shakespeare. Also streamer Kazuha is an inspired idea, thank you anon for that! Not to mention musician Xiao, truly chef’s kiss.

Albedo

Albedo was a stage actor, both by education and by trade. Starting in high school he began in local productions, before entering into the Mondstadt Theateracademie. After appearing as Estragon in a filmed version of Waiting for Godot, he began to be scouted for various television miniseries, eventually becoming a well-respected film actor.

You arrived somewhere in the middle of his career. Working as a costume assistant at the Academie you had quickly fallen for the inquisitive and deceptively intense soul that exuded every color of emotion onstage, from raging anger to soft sorrow, before stepping into the wings and resuming an aura of utter calm. He had captivated you, both as an actor and as a human being; and when you learned that he had also become slightly infatuated with you, well, it was hard not to feel like you had stepped into a wonderful play, or perhaps simply a wonderful play had been brought to life.

The switch from theatre to screen was certainly a jarring one for both of you. When the first film contract was offered Albedo had stared at it for a long time, rereading it over and over again as the coffee in front of him quickly turned cold.

“Is there something wrong with the contract?” You had asked.

“No, it’s not that. It’s only…”

“Only?”

“Only on stage there is a single audience. You can feel their reactions, can measure their response. There is nothing nebulous about the people around you. But on film you cannot do that. You cannot adjust for time of day, or whether it’s a weekend or a Friday performance. You must let your lines out and hope that they land without even being able to calculate it.”

“It’s not a science experiment my darling,” you had teased.

“Maybe not,” Albedo admitted. Still he continued to read and reread, and it was only until the next afternoon that he had told you his answer.

Still, you had to admit that he made a fantastic actor. The naturally inward part of your partner’s personality, the part that always seemed to jump out the moment he left the stage, worked well to balance with the camera’s need for subtlety, unlike the projection required for stage plays. It was little surprise then that he should grow so popular. Despite all the worries about measuring audience response, there was no doubting the success of Albedo’s acting career.

Being a naturally withdrawn person Albedo mostly stayed off of social media. He had one private Instagram for friends – he didn’t post anything; one private Facebook for family – the only picture was one of you two in the mountains next to a particularly weird looking rock; and WhatsApp – which could barely be counted. Thus when he started blowing up on Twitter – a platform you had a mostly unused account on – the reaction was mostly one of “why are they talking about me?”

Not that Albedo minded fan enthusiasm, indeed when people started showing up in droves at the stage door for him he was always careful to thank everyone collectively and talk to as many people as possible, it just sort of confused him that so many people should take a vested interest in the actor and not just the character.

“It’s because they want to show you how wonderful they think your performances are,” you’d explained.

“I don’t have Twitter,” Albedo deadpanned.

Despite his protests though you sometimes caught him scrolling on your account, face slightly red at all the positive attention. His habit of internal self-deprecation had never truly gone away. That fact became slightly unfortunate in the face of hate comments. It was hard for Albedo not to take things personally. If someone said his acting was shit then you would catch Albedo reading the same line over and over again, as if to achieve mathematical perfection. It was a difficult urge to fight, and you were always careful to give Albedo plenty of reassurance when these things popped up, as well as surreptitiously blocking the trolls that wandered their way onto your dash.

This habit to take things at face value did not apply when you entered the mix. As far as Albedo was concerned you were his partner and no amount of complaining online would make him second guess that or second guess your worth. Even if you thought that you had a better hold on social media assholerly than he did Albedo would still make sure that for every hate comment that floated your way there were at least three compliments on his part. Mentioning you off-handedly in press interviews, saying that he had to go home to his partner, leaving small sketches on post-it notes scattered throughout your apartment, there were no lengths that Albedo wouldn’t go to assure you. And, if you had to admit, these things truly did make you feel better on the days when the small part of your brain said that this wasn’t mindless social media harassment.

Being an actor Albedo had an incredibly fine-tuned sense of the way that people responded to emotions, as if he were performing some grand sort of scientific experiment to see how many people he could sway with his gift. As of such he was always careful that, regardless of his success, things between you were never upturned. You were with him before he was really famous, and you would be there during and after. Albedo loved you deeply; though he often said that he hated romance plays for how sappy they were in his mind your relationship was the one, glowing exception – regardless of the other happy couples in the world. Though it was slightly idealistic, it was the kind of intensity that comprised Albedo’s personality, was the thing that had garnered him so much success.

Albedo loved you deeply, and no amount of surprise movie contracts would change that.

 Kazuha

You had to admit that when you had met Kazuha you had no idea about his double life as a streamer. He was merely one of the many singers that came and went to the recording studios, all people eager to unleash their talent on the world. But unlike the rest of them, Kazuha could make you laugh.

Perhaps then it was unsurprising that Kazuha should be a popular streamer. Though his often florid talking style might seem on paper like it would be too grating for streaming, in reality his soft cadence combined with a dry sense of humor made him wildly popular. He rarely lost his temper, making him palatable to those who wanted to have a fun time without blowing their ears out, and when he did lose it his hyper-specific, often nonsensical insults were the stuff of memes. No, in retrospect it was not all that surprising that Kazuha was a beloved streamer.

At heart though, Kazuha had told you over coffee, the enthusiastic and earnest internet sensation was a poet.

“When you’ve had a life as dissonant as mine, how can you not be?” He’d joked. And indeed perhaps he was right, for Kazuha was as wonderful a poet as you had ever read. He was born to be a writer, you had told him.

You were also an aspiring singer, as well as a friend of the studio owner where you did your recordings. As such you had made it a habit to help around the studio when you weren’t also working or studying. As you and Kazuha were both students with intense side jobs, the good natured complaining of overworked students also made their way into you rapport, a friendship that grew day-by-day. Eventually it sprouted into love.

Though you knew that Kazuha was a streamer when your relationship started, in reality you hadn’t realized how truly popular he had become. The first time you watched one of his streams you were blown away by his popularity. Watching your first livestream only cemented that. It was hard to believe that your down-to-earth, slightly self-effacing, partner could have garnered such a large fanbase. Not that you didn’t think he deserved it. He absolutely did. However after seeing that you admitted you were a bit awestruck.

“Why? Am I not the same person on screen and off?”

“Of course you are! It’s just, well, my partner’s a celebrity!”

“I would go that far,” Kazuha laughed.

“Well you certainly are to me!”

Nevertheless your dynamic didn’t change much afterwards, besides the occasional teasing on both of your parts. Kazuha was after all Kazuha at the end of the day.

At the beginning Kazuha didn’t mention you much on stream, certainly not by name, you had to admit you were a bit intimidated by the idea of being recognizable on the internet, even if it was just by name.

“This is also my partner’s favorite map.” Had been his first mention, during a game of Mario Kart.

Despite this offhanded remark however the chat had almost immediately exploded, followed by the rest of the fanbase. Though there was, of course, some disappointed buzz – isn’t there always – the reaction was immensely positive. Positive, and curious.

After a while Kazuha started mentioning you more often in streams, especially after the two fo you moved in. Sometimes you would hear him as you passed him room – Kazuha liked to keep the door open – other times you would watch it on stream yourself.

“My partner hates this character. Too bad you can’t throw evidence.”

“Nobody tell my partner that I’m afraid of basements. I don’t need them to know that when laundry day rolls around.”

“Hey if you’re watching this dear, I promise that it’s not that much money. You don’t need to look at the bank account. Who am I kidding, this is why we don’t share one.”

“Hey, darling I know you’re watching this. Can you check and make sure I left my keys on the coffee table, they aren’t on my desk. Also can you make tea?”

Despite fans knowing very little about you, you were surprised by the amount of positive comments that flooded the streams. You had to admit that your initial expectations had been “people are going to find me annoying”. Instead funny comics of your voice drifting in from the other room popped up, along with a lot of waving and “tell your partner not to trust you with the keys” after Kazuha fell off a cliff one too many times. It was an odd experience, to be so happy about the comments of faceless people, people to whom you were also faceless.

Eventually Kazuha’s hardwork in singing paid off and his first single was recorded and given a deal. On the evening of the release livestream Kazuha set up in the living room, angling the camera so that you could sit on the chair just out of frame. You had talked about the release for months now, and a few weeks ago Kazuha had brought up the idea of a pseudo-stream reveal.

“I was wondering if you’d like to say hello to the audience or wave when my song is released. I understand that you’re hesitant about those sort of things, and I would never ask of you something that would make you uncomfortable. This relationship is the most precious thing to me, and I wouldn’t want you to feel pressured or exploited in any ways.”

“Thank you for being so considerate Kazuha. I’ll think about it.”

Now you sat in the chair, fidgeting slightly, waiting as the countdown on his laptop reached one. You excitement certainly seemed matched by that of the fans, who were typing wildly in the chat.

Eventually the screen faded to black and the chatting quieted down. The first few notes of a wooden flute emerged, combined with the strumming of a guitar. As the familiar words began to echo through the laptop speaker you found yourself washed away. Kazuha was always enthralling when he sang. At the end of the song was a dedication, and though Kazuha had already alluded to it, the sincerity still took your breath away.

To my dearest partner. My compass and my guiding star throughout this realization of my dream. You are my sun and my stars, and I’m forever devoted to you. Thank you for sharing in this project, and thank you for giving me such love.

Perhaps it was slightly saccharine. Regardless you felt the sudden, uninhibited urge to cry.

“So, what did everyone think?” Kazuha asked into the mic, face reappearing on screen. He was slightly giddy, and you watched as his hand tugged on the fabric of his linen belt.

Immediately the chat exploded, as waves of “that was amazing”, “I’m crying now”, and “the end was so sweet!” flooded the screen.

“Thank you all for the encouragement!” Kazuha let out a laugh, one that you could tell was one of utter euphoria, and no little relief. “There’s someone else I think who would like to thank you.”

Who knew that a small sentence could cause such a splash?

You barely had time to let out a tentative “Hello,” before an immediate wave of excited screaming covered the bottom left of Kazuha’s stream. “Thank you for supporting Kazuha’s song. And thank you for always being nice to me.” With a tentative wave of the hand you collapsed back on your chair, slightly hysterical laughter rising inside you out of the relief that flooded through you upon seeing the enthused fan reaction.

Afterwards your voice became the occasional guest on Kazuha’s streams, always greeted with enthusiasm. Kazuha continued to grow in popularity, and his music continued to capture a larger and larger audience.

All throughout this you never felt a snag in your relationship. Kazuha may have been a big streaming personality, but he was also a kind and considerate partner, the best that one could ask for in a significant other. Kazuha’s love was never in question. And neither was yours.

 Xiao

Sometimes you were a little self-conscious about the way that you met Xiao.

Though Xiao had definitely grown a following by the time you met – being the main pianist for a popular singer and a classical pseudo-prodigy in both piano and flute his own right certainly had roped him an enthusiastic fanbase – you had simply known him as “the guy who hogs the practice room”.

“I swear to the gods, how long can that bastard take to practice!” You texted angrily at your friend one day. Qixing Conservatory was the premiere music place in Liyue, but what should’ve been an amazing opportunity was being overshadowed by a practice room partner who appeared to not have a life, one who also had the obnoxious habit of playing the same damn thing over, and over, and over again.

“Playing the same piece as before?”

“Yes! Ugh I don’t even know what it’s called but I’ve heard it enough times to last a lifetime, maybe five!”

“Damn I’m sorry, what time does he usually end?”

“I don’t even know. Some time in the early evening. It’s obviously never gotten through to his brain that other people also need to practice. Or that hearing the same notes over and over while waiting makes me want to chuck my binder against a wall.”

“Lol. I kinda want to hear it now. Can you send a video, will the sound pick up?”

“I don’t know how it wouldn’t.”

“…”

“Holy shit! Okay, I need you to watch this video and tell me if you recognize the pianist.”

Safe to say you nearly fell out of your chair upon figuring out Xiao’s identity. Not that you weren’t already about to out of pure exasperation. Still, there was something much more intimidating about shaming a successful musician, and you no longer had the urge to glare at Xiao every time he left the practice room. Honestly, you would have been perfectly happy keeping your head down and never interacting with him at all.

Fate, however, has a sense of humor.

To be fair, some of it was your fault. You knew that Erlkonig was a massively difficult piece. You knew that you should’ve picked something else, knew that even Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata mvt. Three had to be less painful than the non-vocal arrangement you’d placed in front of your eyes. You were never trusting your music taste with your piece choices again. This was a terrible mistake.

“These stupid fucking running notes!” You let out, a groan of exasperation racing through you. Half slamming (you weren’t crazy) the piano cover down you swung the door of the practice room open. You didn’t want to deal with this anymore. Trying to ignore the embarrassment that rose up seeing Xiao waiting on a chair next to the door you went to walk down the hallway.

“You should work on it with a dotted sixteenth note pattern.”

It was the first time that Xiao had ever spoken to you.

Afterwards a rapport slowly grew between the two of you. Often Xiao said nothing as you passed, rarely you made a gesture of recognition when he finally reappeared from the practice room. However soon the occasional word or phrase of advice grew into longer sentences, later these sentences evolved into pieces of conversation. Soon enough you discovered, to your slight horror, that you found yourself yearning for Xiao’s company.

Almost as soon as you’d finally figured out your feelings you were hit with a wave of denial. You weren’t falling for Xiao? How could you fall for someone who got on your nerves so much? Sure he gave you advice, but what about it? You deserved it after having to hear him over and over again while waiting. Certainly Xiao didn’t seem interested in you, he barely talked to you! Yeah he was getting more talkative, but it’s easier to talk to people when you’re giving them advice. There’s no way you were in love with Xiao. And there was no way he was in love with you.

To say that Xiao’s career as a musician, never mind his genuine technical talent at two instruments, was a barrier would be an understatement. The moment you thought you were making some progress, finally admitting to yourself that this crush was, in fact, real, a wave of anxiety would pass over you. Xiao was too good for you, he was too important. Here was a man who had a successful musical career already up in the air while you banged frustratedly on the keys. Why would someone that successful be interested in you? Not to mention the fact that he didn’t seem interested.

Because, you had to admit, you did like Xiao’s music. Not just his classical repertoire, but his pop music as well. It was slightly jazzy, mellow and playful and utterly unlike the scowling musician behind it – something you secretly thought extremely cute and surprisingly charming. To him you were just a practice roommate, and you were sure he’d find the idea of dating someone who was more familiar with his public persona irritating.

So you buried your feelings, or tried to. Unfortunately like sometimes attracts like, and just as Xiao secretly had the emotional understanding of a teaspoon, you weren’t nearly as clever about things as you would like.

“Is there something on my face?” Xiao asked, his voice gruff and slightly reluctant.

“No, why would there be?”

“Because you’re staring at it!”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” You let your head drop, looking intently at the ivories in front of you. Eventually there was a sigh.

“You don’t have to do that. I… I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! You staring down is weird too. Let’s, let’s just hurry up and do this passage.”

After that you became more aware of your staring habit. You also became more aware of Xiao’s own habit, leaning towards you. Sometimes you swore that you could feel the tips of his hair tickling your neck, light and feathery and stealing all your attention.

“Hey, Xiao, do you need glasses?”

“Why would you asked that!” Xiao flared up, face reddening. By this time you’d become more accustomed to these flareups of grumpiness, and ignoring it you pressed on.

“It’s just, you seem to be leaning forward.”

“I’m not!” Immediately Xiao shifted back, almost stepping away. Without thinking about it you reached to grab his hand.

“I didn’t mean it was a bad thing!” You got out, before becoming aware of your hand grasping Xiao’s. The touch felt electric, and you were suddenly so very aware of everything, yet unable to focus at all.

“Then you shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Xiao grumbled.

Slowly the musician leaned closer to you once more. You had already half stood up and now you found yourself stepping closer to Xiao. The world continued to shrink until you were almost pressed together. Xiao was leaning forward, as were you, and the longer tufts of his hair were tickling your cheek, helped by the fan whirring away in the corner. Your hand was still in his, but all your thoughts appeared to have died away.

“Xiao?”

“Is this, too close?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Xiao?”

“What?”

“I like your music. I hope that doesn’t bother you.”

“Why would it?”

“I don’t know. I just, I also like you, not just your music. But I also like your music.”

“I also like yours too.”

Perhaps it wasn’t the most romantic of confessions, but at that point you were far too carried away by the moment, or maybe by the fact that was the most sentences Xiao had strung together that weren’t about triplets. Regardless of the fact, you were suddenly seized by incredible happiness, as all appeared to right itself.

Afterwards initially little changed, Xiao was a gruff as ever, you were still itching to play in the practice room more. Nevertheless when you went to a concert of his for the first time and he let out a small, almost imperceptible, smile your way you knew things had changed. They would keep changing perhaps, or maybe they wouldn’t. After all, this moment was beautiful.

So much that you didn’t even mind the hours spent waiting for the practice room.