#6-Headed Shark Attack

[memoirs-of-a-nerd5]

I love bad horror movies.

[saikaberry]

Movies [54] 6-Headed Shark Attack (2018)

★★

[tentacledwizard]

Come Look At Shark Movie Posters With Me

As a patron of the arts, it is my job to find and review pieces that others might overlook. Recently, I found some intriguing movie posters, all of which belong to a single genre- the low-quality shark movie (also called the sharksploitation genre). Despite the blatant scientific inaccuracies, I took it upon myself to share these unique artworks with the world.

     Now, this one is a classic. “Sharknado,” the title proclaims in a bold gradient red. “Enough said!” This poster knows exactly what it’s trying to communicate. It doesn’t talk down to the audience. It already assumes we understand what it’s about. After all, a clever portmanteau of “shark” and “tornado” can only mean one thing! I am really blown away (no pun intended) by the complex wordplay and bold statement of this poster. 

The visuals are striking (it has a nice orange and blue color contrast, a staple of great posters everywhere). Of course, the sharknado is front and center. The spinning, cartilaginous vortex is creating fire and explosions for some reason- showing its nature as an otherworldly, diabolical force. A Ferris wheel topples into the stock-image inferno. There’s no time for leisure when this sort of catastrophe descends on your city. 

     The sharks themselves are excellent, mainly Great Whites with one mako. All of them appear to be screaming bloody murder, their denticles (shark scales) shimmering against a dark tornado. Two of them seem to be the same image flipped around. There’s an element of tragic nobility among these creatures. They were just minding their own business before getting sucked into a horrible, never-ending spiral. These sharks are somehow alive above land. They’re tough. They’re survivors. They never wanted to be a weather phenomenon, and they could have lived peaceful fishy lives without ever seeing Los Angeles. Are their open jaws a sign of aggression, or a cry for help? 

  RATING: 4.7 out of 5. This poster is fin-tastic. Enough said!

This one is interesting. Not as dynamic as the version where Mega Shark was chomping a plane. This time, Giant Octopus is doing the damage, using a ship as a sort of bath toy. The title font is obviously symbolic, portraying Mega Shark as a shiny gold and Giant Octopus as silver. It’s pretty clear who will win in the end. (After all, there was also Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. And Mega Shark vs. Kolossus. And Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. I think it’s safe to say Mega Shark survives.) 

     Again, there’s an intense orange-blue contrast. This time, though, it’s overdone. It lacks Sharknado’s finesse. There’s some kind of heavy vignette filter, and the colors are dark and dingy. The aptly named leviathans are duking it out. A broken Golden Gate Bridge (?) is seen in the background. This, and the gold font used for Mega Shark, seem to signify a dark night of the soul for our CGI protagonist. As Robert Frost once said, nothing gold can stay. 

   Giant Octopus is dragging Mega Shark down, its papillae spiky. The tip of its arm is in Mega Shark’s mouth. Okay, Giant Octopus. I’ll pretend to not read into it, for your benefit. (And I’m not! After all, a shark’s weapon is its mouth! I’m choosing to ignore… whatever Giant Octopus is doing.)

 RATING: 3. Spicy, but an eyesore. 

  Hmm. Nah.

   I don’t like this poster. It’s very unoriginal. (Look up the poster for Jaws. You’ll see what I mean.) The shark is doing the generic Oh No, Scary Shark pose. Hear that sound in the distance? That’s the sound of violins playing, but they’re clearly part of a bad remix. Also, the lower part of the poster still suffers from an odd-looking vignette effect. This time it’s crimson, because why not.

    I know this is supposed to be about the poster, not the movie, but I’ll say it: Sand Sharks seems like an especially bad movie. I mean what would the plot be? Sharks bursting out of the sand and surprising literally no one because people could see the dorsal fins and get off the beach? 

   So, we have the mandatory Bikini Woman who will become shark chow very soon. She’s laying down on the sand without a towel or anything, pushing her chest up in this super convincing pose. Then there’s the shark, who has concerningly needle-like, snaggly teeth. (Wait, I just looked it up. Turns out snaggletooth sharks are a thing. I apologize to any snaggletooth sharks out there, all of you are amazing.) Here’s my main question: how did Generic Shark find Bikini Woman? Generic Shark’s ampullae of Lorenzini are clearly visible. Ampullae of Lorenzini are used for electroreception, which is this incredible sixth sense sharks have. I can’t go into long paragraphs about this so I suggest you look it up (it’s awesome). But Generic Shark is swimming under sand, so it wouldn’t be able to use electroreception and find prey. How does it know where Bikini Woman (or anyone) is? Also, how does it breathe? How does it swim? Why would it evolve to swim in sand, when it could evolve to better hunt seals? Sharks don’t even think humans taste good, so why-

   Sorry about that, it was getting long. RATING: 2. Blah. 

   Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! 

    Really, where do I begin? This is incredible. Cathartic. Powerful. From the very original name to the beautifully rendered detail, this has watered my crops, cured my loneliness, etc etc etc. The title is a rich scarlet, and it’s luminescent against the crashing waves. Sure, the tagline describes Jurassic Shark as a “dinosaur from the deep” even though dinosaurs are reptiles, but I can excuse that.   

    Jurassic Shark is a looker for sure. He (Pretty sure it’s a he) has a huge, cavernous mouth framed by excellent teeth. (Again, no offense to snaggletooth sharks.) He’s the focal point, as he should be. A primordial emotion simmers in his handsome black eyes: hangriness. He’s presumably been dormant for a while, so of course he’d swallow the nearest big thing in hopes of sating a hunger too big for this time period. Around him, the ocean froths and convulses. Rain pours down from the heavens, signaling the arrival of this Cetus-like, deific megalodon. I may need some cold water, it’s just that good.

     Of course, there’s a Bikini Woman, wearing a bikini in the middle of a storm for some reason. She’s jumping off a boat, apparently preferring to drown rather than experience the honor of being consumed by Jurassic Shark. Rusty flames pour from the mangled boat, highlighted by glittering sparks. Take notes, Mega Shark. This is an excellent orange-blue contrast. A helicopter hovers just above Jurassic Shark, helpfully illuminating his many scrapes and scratches. I find myself unable to stop staring at this. 

RATING: 5. A modern masterpiece. It feels unfair to judge this against the others.

I was planning on putting Dinoshark here, but then I learned that the movie’s subject is not a dino or a shark. It’s a pliosaur. So you’ll have to stick with Shark Exorcist.

     Anyway, this poster shows the presumable Shark Exorcist, who is surprisingly not wearing a bikini. Clad in an oily black exorcist outfit, he lifts up a cross glowing with a divine power. His pose seems to say, Get smote, you hideous burnt toast! Take a swim in some holy water.

   Said burnt toast is the shark. His skin is charred and peeling, cracking open to reveal red-hot flesh. Probably representing one of the seven deadly sins. Or it’s a metaphor for getting a sunburn. Demon Shark is hocking up a big fiery spitball, and he’s bursting out of the… sand? Water? Who knows.

    Actually, this particular shark is a mere puppet piloted by the Devil. The big guy, Satan himself. Sharks are often demonized in the media, and this movie really went the extra mile! I feel bad for the shark, though. 

    Above the shark/Devil, the tagline reads: SATAN HAS JAWS. I’m kind of confused by this message. So before possessing a shark, Satan didn’t have jaws? Interesting. The whole poster has no visual contrast so it just seems like a burnt orange mess. The color scheme could work, but it doesn’t here. 

 RATING: 2.5

   Ah, yes. Jaws, the big snappy mother of all low-quality shark movies. The actors hated each other and the animatronic shark kept breaking, but they still managed to make a film that gets paraphrased over and over, as exemplified by the low-budget movies I already discussed. 

    But then a terrible thing happened. Jaws tried to paraphrase itself. The resulting sequels are widely regarded as paragons of horrible selachian fiasco films. One of the most infamous is Jaws: The Revenge. Let’s see whether the poster is as bad as the movie. 

   At first glance, it’s nicely put together. The colors are crisp and saturated. I bet I could taste those blues if I licked my screen enough. Which I might, just to feel something. Anything. I also like how they replaced the A in Jaws with the shark’s snout. This shark doesn’t have time for your franchise name. It’s suffered through some horrible, no-good, very bad sequels. (Assuming it’s the same shark the whole time. I haven’t watched the sequels.) The whole poster has this really nice painterly aesthetic. Nice lighting and shading, too. You can see the sparkling water droplets as they crash onto the boat. But Why Did They Write The Tagline Like This? It Looks Kinda Weird With The Rest Of The Poster. Still, “This Time It’s Personal” is absolutely iconic. One of the greatest taglines ever written. I will use it as a positive affirmation when I’m feeling bad, it’s just that awesome and motivational. 

     The foreground looks cool. It’s a pivoting boat with a similarly diagonal blonde on top of it, grabbing an oversized toothpick. The cerulean waters ripple as she prepares to face off against the dashing Carcharodon carcharias splashing around in the water. Not much else to say there, let’s move on to the shark.

     The shark is great, just fantastic. It’s clearly a great white and I LOVE the sharp layered teeth. Just look at those pearly whites. Amazing. It jumps out of coruscating waves, presumably to invite Blonde Lady for a swim. Its eyes reflect the red letters surrounding it. Nice touch. 

RATING: 5. Awful movie, great poster.

  Okay, this poster is not as bad as it could have been. I’m still not sure whether it’s a sequel to 5-Headed Shark Attack (“You can’t SURVIVE the FIVE!”). It probably is. How that shark keeps growing heads is anyone’s guess. 

    So, this poster shows a wobbling boat, exploding in a spray of orange Cheeto dust. A Bikini Woman jumps overboard (again), because she’s anti-Cheetos? I’m not sure. It’s not like jumping off will do anything in this situation. It’ll probably get her eaten faster. 

     The title leaves little to interpret, and the tagline is a brilliantly poetic stroke of genius (as usual). A shark head bites off part of the A in ATTACK. I’ve found this sort of thing is very common in shark movie posters. Sharks just don’t have time for your titles. 

     Each shark head is very busy consuming a mangled person (or letter). I’m amazed by this poster’s homage to Goya; namely, his painting Saturn Devouring His Son. The poster draws upon the unsettling feeling shown in the first artwork, giving it a unique spin by making Saturn the six-headed shark. Limbs dangle from each mouth as the creature goes into a frenzy. It contrasts nicely with the tropical colors and blast of cheese powder. Normally I’d wonder how a six-headed shark digests several people from several heads, but since it’s obviously symbolic I’ll let it slide. 

    Still, the whole poster is kind of a mess. Who thought a six-headed shark was a great idea for an on-budget movie? It seems rather jarring and schlocky, what with the heads all having the same pose and expression. 

RATING: 3.5. Not bad, but not excellent. Okay, I may have picked too many posters.

   This is the last one on the list, and everything’s coming full circle now. Remember Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and how the two creatures seemed rather cuddly? According to this poster, they got really cuddly, and now their child is learning the family trade.

    Okay, that’s not true. Apparently the titular Sharktopus was “created for the military,” but that doesn’t matter. Mega Shark/Giant Octopus is canon! Observe their hybrid child, with his glossy skin and random spikes around his gills. Just look at those tentacles. Yes, technically they’re arms. But still, just look at the way they loop around Bikini Woman’s leg as she attempts to look afraid. Notice the way she puts her hand in Sharktopus’s mouth. It keeps happening! (I jest. The Sharktopus OTP is Sharktopus/Whalewolf.) Passion gleams in his dark eyes, while Bikini Woman stares at his mouth in slack-jawed fascination.  

   The background is a nice contrast to the dark allure of the scene. It’s a plasticky turquoise ocean that shines under an unseen sun, a backdrop to the incredible CGI happening before us. It’s just so excellent. Sharktopus looks like he’s been dipped in clear varnish, and his mottled, bruise-colored tentacles allude to his tumultuous youth. It also alludes to the fact that he’s part octopus, and octopuses are awesome. I know I say that about a lot of things, but octopuses are mind-explodingly incredible. The idea of a shark/octopus hybrid is a gift from the Muses themselves, delivered to whatever mystic prophet was brave enough to make this film and subsequent poster. 

RATING: 4.5. Very cool.

That brings us to the end of my list. I hope you enjoyed our dive into the selachian fine arts. It’s important to note that I don’t condone the mistreatment or endangerment of sharks. Despite what these movies may communicate, sharks are not demonic and bloodthirsty. The biggest one isn’t even carnivorous! Plus, meat-eating sharks dislike the taste of human flesh. Most “attacks” were the shark taking a nibble, then spitting the person out! These low-quality shark movies have been criticized for making more people hate and fear sharks. I encourage anyone reading this to actually learn stuff about sharks because they are cool.

     Still, these posters will live on as shining examples of what happens when some guy named Spielberg says, “You know what would freak people out? SHARKS,” and then everyone else agrees. These posters are surprisingly deep and artistic. They form an entire galaxy of 1-star reviews, shining brightly amidst the murky “high-budget” shark movies. Who knows, Sharknado may well outshine The Meg in a few years! Let me know if there are other schlocky masterworks I can review. I’m always on the lookout for modern classics.

[gonzart]

Inktober day 9: movie screencap

6 headed shark attack

[microsuedemouse]

can you please explain spielberg’s master plan 👀

hello I somehow didn't see this ask until today I'm sorry!!

okay so. context. my younger brother absolutely loves terrible Syfy original movies, and others in that vein. bad creature features especially. he has watched literally like three quarters of them, iirc. you've heard of the big ones like Lavalantula and the Sharknado franchise, but there's so much more than that.

he also has some health problems that affect his metabolism and weight, and he struggles to keep his weight above a certain minimum threshold. when his weight gets too low, which also makes him feel generally pretty unwell, he’ll typically spend a few days doing basically Nothing but watching movies and eating as much as he can.

so anyway. a few years ago he was in the midst of one of those binges, and decided to catch up on some of the more recent Bad Shark Movies. for some reason, I sat down to join him, and we had one hell of a time. we also had this interaction, which I immortalized on twitter, because I tweet a lot about both my family’s nonsense and whatever I’m watching.

[transcription: a tweet from myself, @/MicrosuedeMouse, at 3:51 pm on 2020-11-16. it reads:

Corwin is having a Bad Shark Movies day, and we were browsing the suggestions after watching Five-Headed Shark Attack-

me: “do you think Spielberg knew what he was doing when he made Jaws? could he have anticipated this?”

Corwin: “this is all part of Spielberg’s Master Plan”]

we went on later to watch the fifth Sharknado movie, which is one of the most unhinged films ever made, I think. HOWEVER. I loved the phrase “Spielberg’s Master Plan” way too much, and it soon became a shorthand term amongst us and our other sibling for the broader canon of Shark Movies. every single sharksploitation film ever made is part of Spielberg’s Master Plan.

as an aside, we watched 6-Headed Shark Attack roughly five months later, and it is an absolutely galaxy-brained movie. I couldn’t explain it to you if I tried, but I HAVE had this gif saved to my phone ever since. there is rarely ever cause to use it, but I’m obsessed with it all the same. the scene it’s from permanently altered my life.

(you may notice it only has four heads. don’t worry. the fifth and sixth heads show up later.)

🦈🦈🦈

[hellsitegenetics]

In this valentines day I am actually going to confess my HATRED towards dolphins

I don't know if it's because of the ridiculous amount of cursed facts I have been told, the fact that they can be evil, just unsubstantiated hatred or the fact that I almost got bit by one when I was in 4th grade during a very shady school trip to a zoo.

I just hate them man, they're pure nightmare fuel, in dreams they have bitten my head off, their skin looks so akin to human skin yet so much like plastic, their eyes have no souls in them but the ones they've consumed.

And while yes, they're animals, they're also incredibly smart which only means when they force themselves upon whatever other dolphin, animal or even human has the disgrace to, they know what they're doing.

They have been a main cause of shark attacks, and just as if not more likely to attack than sharks.

This is the face of a species of animals that can and will kill for FUN.

I Hate these glorified aquatic mammal fucks.

But GOD they're fascinating.

And did not deserve whatever the CIA was on when they tried to get dolphins to speak English what the fuck even happened there.

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Closest match: Danio rerio genome assembly, chromosome: 6 Common name: Zebrafish

[jamieontheroof]

Random things I noticed while playing What Remains Of Edith Finch

There was a poster of the cannery that Lewis worked at on the boat.

2. Edith Jr wears what appears to be an engagement on a necklace. Whether this is her ring or her mothers is not mentioned.

3. At the start of the game, Milton's missing posters are EVERYWHERE. There is even a giant pile of them in a nearby lake.

4. The dragon slide that crushed and killed Sven is still outside.

5. As you walk toward the house, the music gets louder.

6. The swing that Calvin flew off decades ago is still looped around the branch.

7. There was a spare peep hole in the garage that didn't have any names or dates on it.

8. At multiple points throughout the game you can hear a train in the background, despite the fact that the train tracks are clearly destroyed.

9. There are multiple pots throughout the Finch house that looks like they have eyes.

10. One of the books the Finches possessed was 'King in Yellow', a book known for making anyone who read it insane.

11. The house sounds alive, or like there are people constantly moving around it.

12. Walters bedroom is painted with both ocean and train designs. One of the paintings is the old house that Odin tried to bring to America.

13. There are drag marks on the ground of Walters bedroom (most likely made when his drawers were taken out of his room.)

14. The entrance to the tunnels is hidden by a book called 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, a classic sci-fi story about a sea monster.

15. Molly's room is filled entirely with animal books.

16. There is a jelly fish on Molly's bed (possible connection to the monster??).

17. Molly has a chalkboard in her bedroom where she is a princess in an underwater castle and Sven is about to get attacked by a sea monster (slightly resembling the dragon slide).

18. As shark!Molly starts falling down the cliff, she passes a road where headlights are briefly scene.

19. When the monster gets back to Molly's room, the window that cat!Molly jumped through is still open.

20. There are still Christmas decorations in Molly's room.

21. The curse is 500 years old. That is a lot of dead people.

22. In Odin's viewfinder, it states "His [Odin's] daughter, Edie, is already dreaming of new Finch house" showing that even though her own father died not even a week ago, Edie has already moved on.

23. The house is filled head to toe with books about death, including two that Odin wrote.

24. Sven's shrine does not have a log painting like the rest of the family. His portrait is painted on a simple canvas.

25. Edie has a number of strange tapes in her room including one titled "conspiracy now".

26. The toys from Gregory's final bath are still in the bathroom.

27. There is an old bottle of alcohol in the bathroom bin.

28. A lot of Sam's photos are based on Calvin (a swing, astronauts).

29. All of Milton's drawings are based on the death. (Molly = cat, Barbara = pumpkin)

30. There are cigarettes and gin on Sam's side of the room he shared with Calvin.

31. Calvin already had bruises, Band-Aids and a cast on his leg when he died.

32. Sam blames himself for challenging Calvin.

33. In the story, Calvin doesn't fall. He keeps flying.

34. Barbara's birthday cake is still in her room.

35. Barbara is holding crutches in her portrait.

36. There are totem-esc styles statues of both Calvin and Molly

37. Barbara's outfit is over the railing.

This is the same way the Hook-Man falls

38. "Performance of her life" can also mean that it is the performance she is known for.

39. There are spare portrait logs in the basement.

40. There is a fake window in the basement.

41. Edie's grave is finished despite her dying and then nobody else going to the house.

42. There is no grave for Milton.

43. Lewis' grave has a crown on it.

44. There are times wear it seems like you can hear sobbing (this one may just be me).

45. There is a box of Kay's old stuff in Sam's bedroom.

46. Odin has a park named after him.

47. This isn't a fact but I think this may be one of the funniest photos of the game (LIKE SIR? YOUR DAUGHTER IS SOBBING!).

48. Both Calvin and Dawn are on Sam's shrine.

49. Gus has a skateboard over his name.

50. Gregory has the soap bottle from his final bath in his shrine.

51. The music cuts out when Gregory isn't moving.

52. Same also blames himself for Gregory.

53. Gus never met his step mother.

54. Gus was crushed by the (totem) statues of his deceased relatives.

55. Dawn's light switch is the only one on

56. Most of the rules are about past deaths. (No playing outside without permission : Calvin, No answering door for strangers : Barbara, No messes after dark : Molly (???)).

57. Milton's garden has a castle (reference to the Unfinished Swan)

58. There is a small Sanjay shrine in the classroom

59. Edith JR did an assignment on her family history.

60. Lewis drew on his desk.

61. There is no death date for Milton on his peephole.

62. Edith JR wrote Milton's death date as 2003 (the year he disappeared).

63. The door from the flip book is in Milton's room.

64. Lewis' dream Palace is decorated with fish.

65. The gnomes scattered around the house are outside the original house in Edie's story.

66. The credits roll in reverse order.

AND THAT'S IT!! I had a few others I thought didn't need to go in.

[kalinysu]

gyutaro x reader where he sees reader taking care of daki

𝐊𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐎̄ — Gyutaro x F!Reader

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: Small death threat.

𝐍𝗼𝐭𝐞𝐬: Hi everyone! i’ve been on break for a while, but i’m back and i’m getting to some of these requests!

You weren’t an upper rank, nothing but a mere lower rank 6. But you were well liked, especially by the younger demons. You were like a motherly figure. Despite being a demon, you had a kind and caring nature. You had treated Rui like your own son, and in return he treated you like you were his mother. Daki however was one of the more hardheaded demons, extremely stubborn as well.

But on this special occasion, you had gotten the chance to grow closer to her. You had heard about her having a brother, but maybe it wasn’t true since she was crying all on her own. You approached her not to quickly, so she didn’t try to attack you or scream at you. You were careful, sitting down beside her and placing a hand on her shoulder. “Hey.. Daki, is everything okay? what happened?” You asked in the softest tone possible. “Does it look like everything is okay!? get the hell away from me, i’ll kill you!!” Daki had screamed at you, but thankfully didn’t actually lunge at you or anything. “Did Lord Muzan yell at you again?” You asked, guessing you were correct from the way she began to cry ever harder. “It’s okay, he’s always like that. You know, he yells at me every chance he gets. that’s just the way he is, that doesn’t make you worthless or anything less than you are now…” You spoke softly, hugging her in such a motherly way that it seemed to calm her for a moment, but she just kept crying.

It went on for a few hours, until she had final grown tired and even let you wipe away her tears. It took a little time, but soon enough she fell asleep in your lap. It was a familiar sight.

Just as you were beginning to drift off as well, you felt an odd presence in front of you, opening your eyes to see a man with green and black hair, black marks on his face and sharp, shark like teeth crouched down in front of you. You hadn’t seen him before, so you could only hope he wasn’t any problem. He didn’t look very happy though, tilting his head and clawing at his cheek as he glared at you. “.. uh—“ “Your face, it bothers me.” He said all of a sudden. “O-oh i’m sor—“ he had cut you off, his vision shifting to his sister laying in your lap. “You got her to sleep that easily? i’m envious..” He groaned, scratching the skin off of his face.

“oh.. well i-i wouldn’t say it was easy.. i’ve been here for a couple of hours so..” You said, making a guess in your mind that this was most likely his sister. “Is that so… “ He said, leaning closer to your face, as if he was searching for something. “What’s your name, hm?” he hummed. “Oh.. Y/N… W-whats yours?” You stuttered out. “.. your name is as pretty as your face.. are you afraid of me Y/N?” He croaked. You immediately shook your head.

“N-no not afraid i’m just…” “— Disgusted?” He asked, scratching at his face once more as he tilted his head, his eyes never leaving your face. “No! Not that at all… I-i’ve just never seen you before and you.. you look so.. different.” You said, your eyes practically filled with curiosity and admiration. though he seemed to have missed that. “Like i haven’t heard that before, Y/N.. you think i’m hideous don’t you? how envious i am of your looks… it’s a shame.” He said, pulling Daki from your lap and carrying her on his back, simply walking away. “W-wait i didn’t mean it that way!” You stuttered once again, what was wrong with you?!

A couple days, maybe weeks had passed, until one day in the infinity castle you saw Gyutaro and Daki sitting together at a table, and seemingly Daki was putting makeup on Gyutaro. You were quick to go over to them. “Hi.. you two.” You said with a slightly awkward smile, Gyutaro’s smile turned to a displeased look, visibly unhappy to see you again. “Oh, big brother! this is Y/N! she was the one I told you about! isn’t she pretty?” Daki said excitedly as you sat down nervously. “Yeah, she really is..” He mumbled, glaring at you. But you could see that he was suppressing a smile as he looked away from you. “You know Y/N, he was really happy to se-“ “Daki!!!” Gyutaro cut her off, resulting you and her giggling.

“I’m happy too.”

[manicplank]

Ways The Noise Has Died

I have a headcanon that The Noise can die and respawn. (He's cursed, but sometimes he takes advantage of it.) These are just some of the ways he's died. He does a lot of stupid shit.

Hit by car: 3

Lung cancer: 2

Throat cancer: 1

Fallen from building/height: 2

Shot by police: 7

Drowned: 1

Execution by electric chair: 1

Eaten by alligators: 2

Smashed by piano: 2

Killed by Peppino: 15

Heart attack: 3

Diabetes: 3

Fire/burns: 5

Explosion: 22

Spontaneous combustion: 4

Eaten by shark: 1

Poisoned: 1

Internal bleeding: 2

Septic shock: 2

Execution by guillotine: 2

Bleeding out: 4

Head trauma: 5

Forgot to breathe: 18

Killed by Toppin Monster: 3

Mauled by bear: 1

Ate something inedible: 6

Forgot to eat (starved): 3

Alcohol poisoning: 6

Dehydration: 3

Eaten by tigers: 1

Strangled by Pizzahead: 2

Stung by bees: 1

Run over by boulder: 1

Struck by lightning: 2

Led poisoning: 2

Ate paint: 3

EDIT from replies:

Killed by Noisette: 1

Radiation exposure: 2

Choke on food: 12

Organ failure: 7

Froze to death: 1

Allergies: 3

Land mine testing: 2

Food poisoning: 28

Jetpack failure: 6

Sucked into black hole: 1

Inhaling carcinogenic gaz: 7

Talking back to his mama: 1

Banished into the shadow realm: 2

Dark magic spell failure: 4

Touching electric plug with a fork: 5

Stunt failure: 35

Edit from replies 2:

Got skewered in a magic trick gone wrong: 11

Got caught in a mousetrap: 6

Rat poison: 25

Burned alive: 4

(Feel free to suggest ways he's died. Silly little bastard is always up to no good.)

Hit by a train: 2

EDIT by replies 3:

Washed out to sea: 4

Battle with Doise: 1

Fallen into volcano: 7

Mocked Pepperman’s art: 3

Sucked into tornado: 3

Kicked by cow: 1

Crushed by his crusher: 4

Ate Fake Peppino’s food: 2

Slipped on banana peel: 18

Rabies: 4

Pissed off Dougie Jones: 1

Shot by alien raygun: 3

Crushed by tree: 1

Buried alive: 3

Shot by Vigilante: 2

Knife juggling: 4

challenged God to smite him: 1

Fallen into bottomless pit: 7

Eaten by piranhas: 3

Bitten by zombie: 1

Air balloon crash: 5

Tried to light his fart on fire (gone wrong): 1

[roosterm3attrash]

101 ways to kill Barney Calhoun

I ended up making this list by going through multiple servers and people so here cuz I found it in my phone notes

Anyway the brilliant minds of the half-life fandom

1.) Waited pressure plate with tnt under it

2.) im going to leave mines under his mattress

3.) i’m setting a rake on his floor so he steps on it and whacks his face

4.) I'm giving him a bomb disguised as a cigar

5.) barney death 3: he ate what elvis presley ate….

6.) I would kill Barney Calhoun by slapping him so hard on the ass that it gives him cardiac arrest

7.) I drop him onto a pit of venomous snakes

8.) Im going to give Barney a beer but instead of beer it will be filled with deadly neurotoxin

9.) “now gordon, ive been keepin an eye out on this combine hideout for a while. they seem to walk in a certain pattern when crossing over to the entrance, which makes me think theyve buried mines all over the place. now, ive memorized the pattern, so im just gonna sneak on over, and you follow my lead, alright? dont worry, i know exactly where all the mines are.” and then he explodes

10.) that one episode of sponge bob where he eats the exploding pie and explodes

11.) set up tripwire then he falls into a tiger pit

12.) I type kill npc_barney into console

13.) slap the boobies off his chest so hard them fly around the world and hit the side of his head like water balloons

14.) i could marry him and slowly feed him mercury over a span for 3 years until he dies of mercury poisoning

15.) He tries to become a wwe wrestler but gets killed in a freak accident mid match

16.) I would kill him by making him a pizza but it’s covered in big chunks of lead but it’s hidden in the sauce and it’s a Chicago style pizza

17.) bring him to a highway and kiss him so hard he gets knocked onto the road and gets ran over

18.) Peeling him apart by the dna strand and eating it like spaghetti

19.) barney gets trampled by a stampede of horses

20.) giving him under the counter off brand viagra

21.) put him in a washing machine and turn it on

22.) shark attack

23.) pit of sharks

24.) barney gets criticized so badly he dies

25.) barney sits in an uncomfortable chair for too long

26.) He gets his arm caught in a bear trap w a beer used as a lure

27.) HE BECOMES THE CAT THAT TRAUMATIZED HIM. HE….YKNOW…..

28.) he gets stuck in a swimming pool like hes in the sims and dies from getting exhausted and drowning

29.) barney roasting marshmallows but his stick ignites into flames and he burns to death

30.) ATTACH SO MANY BALLOONS TO BARNEY HE FLOATS AWAY INTO THE SKY NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN

31.) barney gets rejected by gordon and he gets so sad his body shuts down

32.) I kiss him so tenderly on the lips that he melts into a puddle and dies

33.) i throw him in to a volcano so that he melt into a puddle and dies

34.) "I’ll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I’ll put that flea in a box, and then I’ll put that box inside of another box, and then I’ll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives…I’ll smash it with a hammer!"

35.) stick a bottle of beer into his throat, the whole bottle

36.) give Barney Calhoun a beer can full of poison

37.) hang a piano over the toilet and wait

38.) i think barney should have his spine ripped out through his mouth

39.) he goes to a bar and tries flirting with the bartender and the bartender takes out a shotgun and kills him on the spot

40.) punch him so hard in the penis that he shatters like a brittle glass

41.) bite him in half

42.) I'm grinding him in a giant shredder

43.) bro took a bath in hot mac 'n cheese

44.) i put him ina giant caldron full of water and i begin boiling him down to gelatin and broth

45.) barney accompanies the crew to the borealis and he steps over thin ice and gets dunked into the below zero water and freezes to death

46.) barney calhoun gets carried away by a tornado

47.) took barney on a vacation to Hawai’i and pushed him into a volcano

48.) He dies and he's never mentioned again and nobody cares

49.) died of tummy ache

50.) Stepped on by a strider

51.) shrinked until he disappeared completely

52.) blasted into the sun

53.) Stab him with 300 pencils made with real lead

54.) slip and falls and dies

55.) put him into a Minecraft furnace

56.) Barney ignores the wet floor sign and slips and cracks his head

57.) while swimming in the swimming pool he swims to fast and smashes his face against the pool's wall

58.) he gets a concussion and drowns

59.) i want to put him through a lunchmeat slicer

60.) He falls off a dumb huge cliff

61.) he lives his life to the fullest and at his deathbed at age 93, June 29th, 6:12 am he passes away

62.) he eats a burgie with too much grease and gets a heart attack

63.) testicular cancer

64.) He should get sucked into a fan while trying to fix it at Black Mesa and literally no one comes looking for him

65.) The Pita Bread Room

66.) slipped on a Banana peel

67.) ran over by a crap ton of shopping carts rolling down the hill

68.) barney overheats in a fursuit

69.) he has sex so bad that he dies

70.) Barney dies because i fucking kill him with a shovel 🖕

71.) barney eats the gas station sushi

72.) barney faints via twirling around and holding his hand in front of his forehead, and then slowly lying down with a flower in his hands to indicate death

73.) When they turn off the suppression fields he just blows up

74.) barney gets crushed by a giant boulder thats all i got son

75.) barney goes to the beach that makes you old

76.) His head spontaneously combusts and pops like corn

77.) erectile dysfunction

78.) we should also have him get carbon monoxide poisoning

79.) barney gets gaussian blurred into nothingness

80.) he eats 20 year old expired mcdonalds burger and contracts the worst case of food poisoning youve ever seen

81.) Have we done tying him to a train track like a damsel

82.) he dies in a glue trap

83.) barney develops lactose intolerance over the years of combine occupation and he drink milk and then dies from shitting hinself to death

84.) he should chocke on his favourite food

85.) barney gets lead poisoning from a 1990s garfield glass mug

86.) he chokes on plastic

87.) barney gets thrown throw a glass window from a 15 story building

88.) gordon gives barney a wedgie so bad that he splits in half and dies

89.) gordon and barney divorce and barney dies from heartbreak

90.) alyx and gordon have enough of barney’s snoring so they smother him in his sleep with a pillow

91.) he trips while walking with gordon and impales himself on gordons crowbar face

92.) if he were the size of an ant he'd be ok instead he blows up like a watermelon and his remains are fed to lamarr by a very delighted kleiner. he fucking hated barney

93.) dog roughhouses with barney and accidentally obliterates his spinal cord

94.) barney gets poisoned to death by his own chumtoad

95.) coats him in eggs and flour and fries him

96.) snatched by a hawk and eten alive

97.) barney gets to participate in a danganronpa killing game and gets executed

98.) barney opens the love-letter-for-you.txt.vbs file and it kills him

99.) elaborate rube goldberg machine to drop an anvil on barney

100.) barney dies in an Iron Maiden

101.) we should put barney under those old timey stone tablets meant to squish and torture people and make them talk

[asherraccoon]

More Vox HCs bc I love him <3

*Slaps Vox on the head* You can fit SO MUCH ANGST into this bad boy!

1. Vox used to be a lot more happy and cheerful and upbeat back when he and Alastor where friends. Alastor made him feel genuinely happy. So after their falling out, Vox kinda just... stopped feeling real happiness for a while. He still struggles with feeling genuine emotion to this day so he kinda just masks himself.

2.(I can't remember if I said this in my last Vox HC post so I'm saying it again) Vox has a tail! He's just embarrassed about it so he keeps it hidden.

3.Vox can't handle being alone. He needs to have someone with him at all times. Whether it's in the same room, or even just in the same building. He needs to know he isn't alone. (He once had a panic attack because Val and Vel went out without telling him once because he was still asleep)

4.Vox talks to himself a lot. He usually does it when he's overthinking (along with hand flapping and pacing) so that's usually how the other Vees know that Vox is overwhelmed and needs a break.

5. Vox has a playlist dedicated to his past with Alastor and he listens to it for comfort.

6. Vox is a cuddler and hugs things in his sleep. Usually his Alastor body pillow (Where the fuck did bro even get that from anyway?) especially when having nightmares.

7. Speaking of nightmares, Vox has them frequently. They're usually about Alastor. When he wakes up from these nightmares he immediately goes to turn on his Alastor playlist.

8. More on that playlist! He actually has a couple recordings of Alastor himself singing on there! Vox used to love listening to Alastor sing back when they were friends, and I guess he still does love listening to him now.

9. Vox talks to Velvette the most. He talks to her more than he does Val. He trusts her the most, she's like a sister to him whereas Val is just a sexual partner basically.

10. More on Vox and Vel's relationship! Vox talks to Velvette about almost everything. His latest hyperfixation(s), his sharks, updates on Voxtek, what dumb shit Val said last week, and even how much he misses Alastor.

11. Adding onto the Alastor thing above, when Vox talks about his past with Alastor he usually ends up in tears. Velvette comforts him with hugs, shopping dates, and letting him ramble about his other interests and ideas for the future.

[bethanythebogwitch]

It's Wet Beast Wednesday and this week's topic is Sphyrna tiburo, the bonnethead shark. This is a small and wildly adorable species of hammerhead shark that has some very unique features not found in other sharks.

As with most sharks, females are larger than males, reaching an average of about 0.7 to 1 meter (2.3 - 3.3 feet) in length with the longest recorded specimen being 1.5 meters (5 feet). They live in shallow waters, preferring to live in seagrass beds and muddy or sandy sediment. They are found on both coasts of the Americas in warm seas, though they can be found as far north as New England or northern California in rare cases. They migrate south during the winter. Bonnetheads are social and usually live in groups of 5 - 15 members, but can occasionally school in the hundreds or thousands, usually during migration. Scientists have identified at least 18 social behaviors, often used to display dominance or compete for mates. Bonnetheads are very timid and flee from humans. Only one attack on a human has been recorded and it left minor injuries.

One of the unique features of the bonnethead is the fact that they are the only shark species to have sexual dimorphism of the head. Sexual dimorphism is when the males and females of a species have distinct physical features. This is common with sharks, with males usually being smaller than females and having distinct reproductive organs known as claspers. Bonnetheads have an additional dimorphic feature on the cephalofoil (that's the hammer head of the hammerhead sharks). Females have a smooth cephalofoil while males have a distinct bulge on the back edges. in addition, the cehalofoil of the bonnethead is smaller and more rounded than in other hammerheads. Other hammerheads don't use their pectoral fins very much and rely on using their cephalofoil to achieve pitch (up and down movement) and yaw (side to side movement). Because bonnetheads have smaller cephalofoils, they must rely on their pectoral fins more than other hammerheads, and theirs are therefore proportionately larger and stronger than the fins of other hammerheads. By hammerhead standards, the bonnethead is the guy with massive biceps.

The other major unique feature of bonnetheads is their diet. Bonnetheads eat mainly crustaceans, molluscs, and small fish, but also eat a large amount of seagrass. this makes them the only omnivorous sharks, with all others being strict carnivores. Scientists thought that the seagrass was used to protect their gut from shark shells, but recent studies have shown that they do actually digest around 50% of the seagrass and have enzymes in the hindgut that can break down cellulose, implying they do gain nutrition from seagrass.

Bonnetheads are one of several shark species capable of asexual reproduction. A female at the Henry Doorly Zoo in Nebraska produced a pup through through parthenogenesis. The pup's DNA was identical to the mother's. Bonnetheads also have the shortest gestation period of any shark at only 5-6 months and give live birth.

Bonnetheads were once classified as "Least Concern" by the IUCN. this led to it being highly targeted in fisheries, both commercial and recreational. In 2020, it was reclassified as "Endangered" due to massive population declines in the Caribbean, Central and South Atlantic, and most of their Pacific range, largely due to overfishing. As of late 2021, the IUCN now considered them the be "Largely Depleted, meaning their population is currently much smaller than it was historically.

[sarahsmi13s]

When Sharks Attack

whumptober day 9: scar reveal

pairing: evan 'buck' buckley x reader

characters: evan buckley, fem!reader, the 118

warnings: blood, shark attacks, scar reveal, language, anxiety attack, let me know if i missed anything please

word count: ~1.3k

a/n: this is for whumptober! please please please proceed with caution and use discretion, protect your peace

also if you are on the whump taglist but are not familiar with a character, you can skip it will not hurt my feelings!

whumptober 2023 masterlist

summary: when a call takes you to the scene of a shark attack you can't help but feel a sense of deja vu and reveal the one think you never thought you could

You sighed as you looked in the mirror, your fingers running over the arch shaped scar on your skin. It was old but it was as visible as ever. The scar rounded your hip before it disappeared under your waistband before it finished on the top half of your thigh. You were glad it was in a spot that could be hidden, but you also hated that you had to hide them.

It’s not that you were ashamed or anything, there was nothing to be ashamed of. But you didn’t want anyone to see the scars, they were jagged and ugly. You didn’t like people seeing them.

In the years since you obtained them, you had barely been intimate with anyone, not even your current partner, Buck.

You trusted him with your life, with everything. But in the past, people saw the marks on your torso and they ran. And you couldn’t lose Buck, you couldn’t.

You heard the bathroom door open and you dropped your shirt and started tucking it. 

“Hey, Cap has lunch ready,” Hen said as she poked her head in. You nodded and sent her a smile in the mirror, “Okay, thank you. I’ll be out in just a sec.” She smiled back and nodded, “Alright.”

She left, patting the door frame as she did, and you sighed a little before taking a deep breath and leaving the bathroom.

During lunch the bell went off. In the commotion all you caught was the location before you were getting in the truck and going toward the scene.

You had a pit in your stomach the whole ride to the beach and you didn’t know why. 

That was until you made it through the crowd of people on the dock and saw it.

A bull shark had gotten a hold of a fisherman and wouldn’t let go. 

The scent of copper and salt water filled your senses. Blood stained the dock and the man was shouting in pain as the beast refused to release him.

That pit in your stomach turned to bricks as you stopped moving. Your side began to burn and itch. You suddenly weren’t seeing the fisherman, but yourself on the dock next to your board and bleeding from your side.

You were 18 when it happened. You were surfing with some friends, padding into shore when a great white thought you looked like its next meal. The shark took a test bite out of your side and upper half of your thigh. It was a quick bite, but it was enough. 

Internal organs were damaged and you had nearly bled out on the beach but you were stabilized and taken to the hospital just in time. 

You survived, yes, but you haven’t gone back in the water since.

“Y/N? You okay?” Buck asked, turning to when he noticed you hadn’t moved.

With your heartbeat in your ears you hadn’t heard him and you all but shoved your gear in Bobby's chest and took off towards the engine.

They called after you but they quickly turned back to the emergency at hand.

You made it to the engine, leaning against it and ripping your button up open and untucking it and your undershirt.

Taking deep, grounding breaths, you rubbed and scratched at your side. 

Your scars always did this when you were stressed or when you got anxiety. Especially in the event of flashbacks or situations that triggered you.

Tears slipped down your cheeks and you wiped them away quickly with your free hand.

“Fuck, pull yourself together Y/N this is completely unprofessional,” you scolded as you tried to shake out the tension in your fingers. “You should be better than this. It's been 6 years.”

“Honey? Y/N, baby, what’s wrong?” 

You gasped, startled as you felt Buck’s hands on you. You hadn’t heard him calling for you or running up to you. 

“Not-Nothing Buck, it’s okay. I’m okay.” You had dropped your shirt and looked up at Buck’s eyes to find them fixated on your side.

Shit. He saw.

“Buck..” 

“What happened?”

You sighed and grabbed his hand, pulling him to the cab of the engine and getting in. You closed the door and sat across from him. You rested your arms on your knees and played with your fingers. Now was the moment, and you were dreading it.

“The summer before I went to college… a few friends and I were surfing, on this beach actually,” you started not looking Buck in the eye. He mimicked your position and spoke softly to you, “I didn’t know you were a surfer.” You chuckled dryly, “I’m not… not anymore.” 

Buck just nodded, staying silent as you continued. “We were paddling into shore and all of a sudden I had this intense, hot pain in my side… A um, a great white had taken a test bite. I was brought into shore and I almost bled out in the sand.”

“But you didn’t,” Buck said, holding your hand in his. “You’re here, with us, with me.”  You nodded, sniffling a little. “I know that, I know. I just – it was terrifying…”

He nodded and kissed your hands. “I-I’m sorry I never told you sooner…” “Don’t apologize, honey. You don’t owe me anything,” he soothed, rubbing your knuckles.

You sniffle again and pull your hands away to wipe your eyes. “I should have been more professional, it was 6 years ago…” He shook his head, “Hey, you can’t control how situations make you feel, Y/N.” “I guess not…” 

Buck’s eyes flicked from your face to your side as he bit his lip. He knew it wasn’t his place, but he had to ask.

“Why did you never tell me?”

You sighed, “I was scared…” He furrowed his brow, “Scared? Scared of what?” You wrapped your arms around yourself, “They aren’t… pretty. And when people have seen them in the past…”

Buck’s heart broke. “You thought I would leave you…” You nodded, not looking at him. He tilted your chin up, “I don’t care about some scars, Y/N. They make you you.”

“You might not say that after you see them…” 

“Then show me…”

Your head whipped up to him, “Wh-what?” His face was nothing but serious, “Show me, Y/N.”

His blue eyes held nothing but genuineness and you nodded before standing.

Gulping, you lift up your shirt and look away from him as he sees the entirety of your scar. “If you want to end it-” He cut you off, “Don’t even finish that thought, I’m not going anywhere.”

He brings his hand up, his fingertips running over the marked skin delicately. 

“They’re beautiful…” 

You snorted, “I appreciate the lie Buck…” “I’m not lying. Do you know what scars mean?” You didn’t respond, looking down at your boots. “They mean you survived. That attack could have one or two outcomes. One of those outcomes includes me never getting the chance to meet you, and the other includes you and me in this truck having this conversation.”

He stood, “So, they’re beautiful because you are. Because you are alive.” 

You looked up at him as his finger hooked under your chin, “I love them because I love you. Nothing will ever change that.” 

You capture his lips in a kiss as tears still slip down your face. “Thank you, Buck… I love you too. But… I still don’t think I’m ready for sex, there’s just a lot I think I need to work through,” you told him honestly. He nodded and pecked your lips, “Whenever you're ready, I’ll be there. And I’ll be by your side until then.”

You smiled and wrapped your arms around him, “Thank you Buck.” He kissed your head, “Any time Y/N.”

taglist: @bradleybeachbabe @mayhemmanaged @kmc1989 @lovinglyeternal @horseshoegirl @cassiemitchell @fanboyswhore9 @nightowlalltheway @86laura11 @els-marvelvsp @valmare @startrekfangirl2233

hi, if you're seeing this and are currently not on the taglist and would like to be please fill out the taglist form -> whumptober taglist

i can not stress this enough, but whumptober can have some very serious and heavy topics and i want to make sure i am doing my part as an author to prepare my readers for what they are about to experience and that includes not only warnings above but my taglists as well

so if you want to be added check out the masterlist and read that carefully and fill out the form -> whumptober 2023

[forgottensibiria]

Amphibian Perucetus and giant scissor sharks

In previous posts, we considered Moropiton and Poseideongenia, two groups of animals that migrated to Siberia through the Ural Sea in the Late Carboniferous. Before moving on to the actual descendants of these Seymouries - the Angarians themselves - we can distract ourselves with the creatures that the Moscow settlers could encounter on a vegetable raft.

The Dynasty of marine amphibians

Let's start with a strange speculative kind that shouldn't exist. Ichthyocetus, the "whale fish", is a large animal reaching a size of up to 2.5 meters and is a direct descendant of tetrapods of the Moscow Sea, primarily tulerpeton. The latter is known primarily for its six-toed limbs developed relative to other modern tetropods, as well as for its location. The fact is that the remains of the tulerpiton were located 200 kilometers from the supposed shore: this and the very structure of the body of the tetrapod under discussion suggest that the animal lived in shallow water, breathing atmospheric air (no bones corresponding to the gills were found, and the head was separated from the body - i.e. the tulerpeton could lift its head) and moving forward using the legs, pushing them off the bottom (their strength would not be enough to allow the toolerpeton to move on land). It is possible that some tetrapods could have stayed in this habitat, becoming the main predators of shallow waters, where larger predators like eugeneodonts or placoderms could not move normally.

Tulerpeton, 360 m.y.a. Art by Dmitry Bogdanov

Tulerpeton found fossils

Ichthyocetus is the last representative of this hypothetical clade, whose population was almost completely destroyed by the decline in sea level due to the new peak of the Karoo ice Age. His basic diet is benthos, which he can find in the buried ground: echinoderms, starfish and lilies, as well as, if luck smiles, the corpses of marine animals that the surf brings. He could also purposefully hunt for moropitons if they swam too deep. The bones of ichthyocetus are incredibly dense; this allows it to stay in the water during strong waves. This animal is able to sense the approach of a storm - then it tries to find the shore and crawl out onto it, burrowing into the sand; then they are most vulnerable. If it is impossible to find the shore, then the ichthyocetuses go to depth, swallowing air, where they can stay for 3-4 hours. Sometimes this tetropods go deep in search of new food sources, where they can catch young eugeneodonts or small fish. Surprisingly, ichthyocetuses are not the largest representatives of their clade (let's call it Ichthyocetusae): some species could grow up to 3 meters and lead a more pelagic lifestyle.

They usually appeared during periods of intense glaciation with a reduction in their original habitat. Unfortunately, this time climate change has become insurmountable.

Something about scissor sharks

If the meeting of protoseimurians with their "cousin" was unreliable, then the same cannot be said about eugeneodonts. The largest animals of the sea were the edestus, or protopirates. Although the largest protopirate species, E. vorax, could reach 6 meters (making it the largest predator of its time), the Moscow species were somewhat smaller and reached a maximum of 4 meters. These sizes correspond to the modern white shark and mako shark.

Edestus, 313—307  m.y.a. Art by Dmitry Bogdanov

Comparison of the four species of Edestus. Authors of this illustration is Leif Tapanila and Jesse Pruitt

Both poseideonogenes and moropitons encountered these cartilaginous fish - most likely, they were four-meter E. heinrichi and E. triserratus commensurate with ichthyocetus. Most likely, the edestus hunted numerous nautiloids and other soft-bodied prey and could well attack rafts, mistaking them for a dead cephalopod with a spiral shell. The protoseimuria themselves would not be of interest to the edestus - they are too small. That's what saved them.

[tomcat-reusables]

Wes Anderson's kill count, a result of having too much time on my hands, spoiler: it's complicated.

Firstly, referencing the title, Wes Anderson himself has never killed anyone (at least I hope), but people sure do die in his films sometimes. The question is, exactly how many?

ALSO WARNING!! SPOILERS FOR ALL MOVIES AHEAD! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

The Conditions -

This is a low estimate, meaning only characters who are confirmed to have died are counted. However, if a character is stated to have died and later been resuscitated, they will also be counted. Animal deaths will only be counted if the animal is a character or their death plays a role in the story (for example hunting, or a character eating meat does not count). I will only add to the kill count if I have an exact number, so saying for example, "a lot of people died" means zero for these purposes.

Bottle Rocket

No one died in this one.

Death toll: 0

Rushmore

Eloise Fischer - cancer - 47

Edward Appleby - drowning - age unknown

The Royal Tenenbaums

Helen Tenenbaum - unknown - 55

Rachel Tenenbaum - Plane crash - 35

Royal Tenenbaum - heart attack - 68

Buckley - Hit by car - age unknown

Mrs Sherman - stomach cancer - age unknown 

Death toll: 5

The Life Aquatic

Esteban Du Plantier - eaten by shark - age unknown

Ms Plimpton - overdose - age unknown 

Ned Plimpton - blood loss due to injuries in helicopter crash, likely impaled by helicopter parts - 30

Filipino pirate - bullet to neck - age unknown 

Alastair Hennessey's crew (at least 12 individuals) - cause of death unknown - ages differ

Pirates in hotel (at least 12 individuals) - explosion - ages differ

Death toll: 28

The Darjeeling Limited

Jimmy Whitman - hit by taxi - age unknown

Francis Whitman - motorcycle crash - 39-40

Child crossing river #3 - drowning - age unknown

“One of the sister’s brothers” - eaten by tiger - age unknown

Death toll: 4

Fantastic Mr Fox 

Rat - electrocution - age unknown

Fantastic mr Fox’s father - cause of death unknown - 7 ½ non fox years old 

Death toll: 2

Moonrise Kingdom:

Snoopy - shot by bow and arrow - age unknown 

Sam Shakusky’s mother - cause of death unknown - age unknown 

Sam Shakusky’s father - cause of death unknown - age unknown

Death Toll: 3

The Grand Budapest Hotel: 

Madame D-U-T - poisoned - 84

Jopling - pushed off cliff - age unknown

The author - cause of death unknown - age unknown 

Agatha - illness - age unknown

Agatha and Zero’s child - cause of death unknown - age unknown

M Gustave - shot - somewhere in his forties 

Kovacs - murdered by Jopling - age unknown

Serge X - murdered by Jopling - age unknown 

Headless girl - murdered by Jopling - age unknown 

Kovacs’s cat - murdered by Jopling - age unknown 

Death Toll: 10

Isle of Dogs

Dog in Spots’s kennel - starvation - age unknown

Dog referenced - hung by own leash - age unknown 

Professor Watanabe - poisoned - age unknown 

Atari’s mother - train crash- age unkown 

Atari’s father - train crash - age unknown 

Indigenous dog leader - cannibalised - age unknown

Death Toll: a shockingly low 6, because this operates off of confirmed deaths only. If speculated deaths were counted, Isle of Dogs would likely be the highest by far.

The French Dispatch:

Moses Rosenthaler victim #1 - murder - age unknown

Moses Rosethnaler victim #2 - murder - age unknown

Arthur Howitzer Junior - heart attack - 75

Zeferelli - Electrocuted - 19 

The 8.25 bodies pulled from the Blasé river each week, The French Dispatch definitely takes place over at least three months (evidenced by the riot storyline) , so we’ll multiply this by four and minus one for Zeffirelli, making it 98 - causes of death unknown - ages vary 

72 prisoners - riot - ages vary

6 members of The French Splatter School - riot - ages vary

2 men - shot by Clampette - ages unknown. 

Morisot - jumping from a building - age unknown

Police cadet/nanny - gunshot wound to head - age unknown

7 kidnappers - poisoning - ages vary 

Death toll: 201

Asteroid City

Mrs Steenbeck - illness - age unknown

Conrad Earp - car crash - 50 

Death toll: 2

-

So, without further ado, the lowest possible estimate of the overall kill count from all 11 of Wes Anderson's films is 253, and if you read all of this, I don't know whether to thank you or be concerned.

[velvet-vox]

I just wanna preamble, that I'm really sorry towards all of my mutuals who really love Yeva as a character, but for me, I just can't come forward to liking her, and it's all for a simple reason:

Genuinely, why are we getting so much content with Yeva? Why did we need a flashback to the Core collapse when episode 7 was already crammed as it was? Why did we never see Yeva die on screen but saw his unnamed, barely mentioned husband get openly murked on screen? Why do Uzi and Doll treat each other like complete and utter strangers when Yeva should have been there to forge a connection between the two that would have spared us the plot and saved the entire colony in the process by uniting Uzi's resourcefulness and spirit of initiative with Doll's badassery and tactical mind?

I like Doll's dad. Liam clearly didn't bother to give him a name or a personality since he wasn't relevant to the plot, and of course, for Liam Vickers the plot comes before the characters, so him being dead doesn't really ring any alarm bells within me; he is very clearly intended to be a blank slate for the fans to latch on any head canon that suits their ways; he's a little bit of wasted potential, a trait that unfortunately he passed down to his daughter, but at least he doesn't really terrify me in any way that matters (especially since he would theoretically be Khan's foil. ....... Yeah).

But Yeva...... My god.

I shit you not when I say that to me, she's the scariest character in the entire show, way more terrifying than whatever any of that mid crap with the Absolute Solver or that lame ass body horror porn Cynesssa were.

Because to me, Yeva doesn't scare me in any physical, gorey matter, no: Yeva scares me in a psychological way.

Yeva is definitely being built up as this non impressionable, unfathomable badass, who has passed down to Doll all of her girlbossery and mastery of the Absolute Solver; she is the true caring mother between her and Nori, she was so good that Doll wanted to avenge her dead at any cost, she is so cool and strong that the patch worked on her flawlessly, and then proceeded to just completely mop the floor with a possessed Nori; Nori, that, may I remind you, was capable of fending off against a fully possessed Solver Uzi able to throw out copius amounts of black holes; the same Nori, who, as a core, ended that fight by slapping Uzi so hard that it created crumbling debris upon the impact; that Yeva was then killed by a solo hunting V, who has been shown multiple times to play with her food.

And the fandom somehow believes all of that?!?

Nobody is questioning just how sus any of this information is? Even if so many of the pieces when put together don't make any sense?

Do you remember these two shots from episode 6?

Aside from their questionable reliability considering the fact that Tessa was actually Cyn in disguise, don't you remember when we all speculated Nori to be more than a puppet and a possibly willing harbinger of death? I do. Never forgotten.

Now, I'm not jumping the shark and saying that Yeva is actually a manipulative monster, that would be extremely detrimental to the story; I'm saying that with all the parallelisms between the two families it's suspiciously weird that we aren't getting any noticeable narrative similarities between Nori and Yeva; because, you see, when I said before that Khan and Doll's dad weren't foils I actually lied:

In the Pilot, to protect the colony, Khan sacrifices Uzi to N and shuts a door behind him, refusing to shoot with the rail gun; in the flashback of Promening, to protect his daughter, Doll's dad shoots a photo of V to distract her, while Doll watches his dad sacrifice himself behind a door.

We just saw that Uzi's mother survived the attack of the Disassembly Drone (N) and turned into a crab. Now, I don't know all of you, but to me, N always seemed like the most efficient of the Disassembly Drones. His lack of empathy coupled with his low ego and self esteem made him a much more competent murderer than J or V, who were either too busy showboating or coping hard with the consequences of their violent actions; so for N to be unable to kill Nori while V was able to kill Yeva just seems like the most convenient writing decision possible.

(Convenient is a word used by Uzi to describe Doll's trap in episode 6)

Yeva absolutely creeps the f##k out of my brain, it's genuinely so unsettling seeing how much Liam Vickers has been playing up this character's current unimportance and getting away with it by the eyes of the community.

I don't know you all, but I haven't felt scared by Murder Drones at all ever since the Alice finger scene in episode 6. I was like, "cool Liam, do whatever you want, play up all the horror that you like, congratulations, I'm officially desensitized. Your cute little flesh iron puppy that you've been building up for a year barely stroked a dent into me" but I'm not like that with Yeva. Whenever a fandom starts to play up a character's innocence that's when my fight or flight reaction kicks in. I've been a fervent protester of indoctrination for all of my life, and that includes fandom culture and mob thinking; I ain't buying any of you all sweet Yeva crap until episode 8 rolls around.