#And I saw it while in the middle of an ugly breakdown where I just couldn't seen to calm down so it was literally a saving grace!!!!!

[kyouka-supremacy]

i am so, so happy that you liked the moodboard, aaa 🥺💞 your tags make me smile so much 🥰💘

Aaaaaahhh I'm happy to hear that but once again thank YOU for making it!!!! You're the best 💕💕

[stickytrigger69]

some angst or fluff with tfp megatron and his femme s/o 💜

TFP Megatron x Femme Cybertronian Reader

This is angst to fluff

Femme reader, she/her pronouns

Abusive Megatron

Megatrons soft side is always hidden unless you two are alone

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"Uuuugghh, Starscream!!" The seeker shivers and holds his arms close to his chest, ready to cover his face. "How many times must I tell you, remind you, warn you that we can not waste our troops and resources to thoughtlessly?!" He towers over the seeker in a proud display of dominance. Starscream can't speak. The feeling in his tanks chokes him and closes his throat, his fans whir and struggle loudly. All he can muster up is a pitiful, mousy squeak before his master groans loudly. One powerful swing of his arm is all it takes for the seeker to go flying backward right into you. The larger mech smashes right into you, and you make a pained sound upon the impact.

Megatron stalks forward and plants a pede on top of Starscream, who is still lying on top of your smaller frame. The both of you groan under his weight. "You continue to disappoint Starscream. And you," He looks into your optics, red hot anger beams into you, and you try to hide beneath Starscream, "do you not try to stop this fool? You are at fault just as much as he." With one final huff, he applies more pressure to Starscream's chest before he walks away, frustrated. Your chest feels tight and coolant behind to build up in your optics. Starscream is heavy on top of you, and you try to push him off. When he doesn't budge even the slightest, you start to feel panic rise up in your throat. Thankfully, before it gets worse, Breakdown pulls him up off of you, and a pair of familiar servos grasp your arms and pull you up softly.

"You need a new buff and polish, what do you say? Wanna come to the medibay with me for a little?" Knockouts smooth voice rumbles through your chest. Breakdown looks at your defeated face for a little while before turning up toward KO.

"Don't think she's feeling it, KO." The red mech turns his helm down to look at your face, then back up at his lover.

"Guess not." He says with a shrug. With a nod, you turn to walk out of the control room. "Just swing by if you want, okay?" You stop and look back at Knockout, giving him a small smile and another nod. The door whooshes shut behind you, and Knockout sighs before looking at Starscream with a pout. Megatron had stopped halfway down the hall to wait for you and shifted when he heard your pedes. He was quite away from you, and you were going at a slow pace, no doubt sad. He knew he saw it when he looked down on you. You were sad and scared.

He knows you didn't have much power when Starscream hatched a little "plan." For a decepticon, you have a bad habit of letting others walk all over you, and he loathes that fact. He really doesn't think you should wear a decepticon badge, but he couldn't bear to see that ugly red Autobot face on your chest again. Never again. In the middle of his thoughts, you pass right in front of him. Servos clasped together in the middle of your dainty chest, and helm pointed down to the floor beneath you. No doubt disappointed in yourself for getting caught up in someone else's mess yet again.

Frustrated with himself and his fleet commander that he grabs you roughly, lifting you off the ground with ease, and stomps his way to your shared hab. He doesn't even mind that you're trembling in his grasp. He just wants to take you to the one place on this ship where he's comfortable enough to be as sweet and soft with you as he pleases. He does know that he's scaring you, but he doesn't really care. He actually feels a little pleased with himself that you're this shaken up. Your shaking gets worse the closer you get to your hab, just like always, though it does never seem to get old, your tremors entertain his sadistic side.

His grin grows wider as the door comes into sight, and you go limp, giving up on any hope or plans to fight or argue. The second he stands in front of the door, he drops you unceremoniously, but through the tears, you land perfectly on your pedes. He is once again filled with pride that you're his lover and puffs out his chest so he can snatch your wrist again. With a whoosh, the door is open, and you're thrown in. You yelp, trying to get your balance only for large servos to be on your frame again. The grip like a vice, sharp claws dig into your plating just enough to cause discomfort. What hurts most is the sound it makes, the high-pitched whine of your armor, and just when you feel and hear it about to crumble beneath him, the pressure leaves and is replaced by feather light touches.

The fear begins to subside, but it remains idling by still just in case you need it. If he's really mad, you will need to be on the tips of your pedes. When he gets this way with you, you never know whether to fight or run. It's not like you ever really get to do either, but you still like to think that maybe you'd get the chance or that maybe you still have some control. Your legs are trembling, and the dull pain from when Starscream was laying on your chassis still throbs. Megatron says nothing and comes up behind you to stand there and look at you below him. He sees your servo come up to hold your chassis where scratches and smudges of grey paint decorate your own.

He sighs deeply and places his servo over yours. He steps forward and pulls you into him at the same time, leaning down to press his chassis to your back. All is still. His optics are closed while he holds you gently to him, and it begins to soothe you. Your legs stop trembling, and your mind stops racing with fear and is filled with nothing. A comfortable nothing, and you can just feel and hear him behind you, and you feel safe again. He always knows how to make you feel safe, even without saying a word to you. With a deep, throaty hum, he begins to lift you up and hold you a little tighter. He brings his other arm up to hold you around your waist for that little extra support.

It takes little to no time for you to begin crying. The pent-up stress from the day and sadness from disappointing him so finally has an outlet and releases from your spark chamber. You sniffle, derma trembling as coolant flows down your hot faceplate as he holds you close. His tenderness is an apology. For a mech who is so good with his words hardly has much to say when he's being soft and kind, he lost those skills when he was denied his right. With great speed, he moves his arm from your waist to support your weight from under you. Forearm holding you up by the backs of your thighs. The small shift allows him to pull you closer into his chassis, his servo enveloping your chassis squeezes tighter. He holds you like it's the last time he will ever have the chance to.

"I'm sorry." He nearly whispers, voice gritty and rough, "I love you so very much." He doesn't know why he apologized when he enjoyed tormenting you, but he did, and he won't take it back. Especially because it's calmed you further. You've melted right into his chassis, leaning back and squeezing his servo with your two little ones. Scaring you and hurting you really does provide him with a euphoric burst of energy every single time. Your weakness is all around a beautiful trait that he can relish in. The fantasies of you coming back, back to him, slouched and small from having failed.

Your little frame beneath his pede while you take every hit and every word silently. And how you cling to him afterward, you cling so tightly to his strength, knowing he and he alone can protect you. You will never leave his side. Not for anything in the universe. You NEED him. He's offered you the chance to have power and make the next move against the Autobots, but you meekly stepped back with your helm bowed. You smiled and awkwardly laughed, feeling shy with all optics on you. But you weren't built for such responsibility and, thus, stood back to allow someone else the pleasure.

Your sniffling has lessened, and you're not shaking so badly anymore. Perfect. He feels and knows that he would lose himself if you were to disappear in any way, shape, or form. Your softness causes weakness in him, but he would be damned if he showed it or told somebot about it. He's sure that you're the only one who has a hold on the last wire of his old self. The past him that was bright and brilliant. To lose you would be to lose himself for good.

"I didn't mean to." You whisper rhaspily. "I love you, I would never go against you or your word. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough." He looks at your face from over the top of your helm and sees more coolant build up in your optics.

"Stop that, or I'll give you an actual reason to be sorry. My sweet femme, so small and powerless." He pecks the top of your helm before he sits on the berth, keeping you close to his chassis. "It's never your fault." Your tears stop, and he takes a breath. "Though you do know how I enjoy punishing you." Another peck. He holds you out in front of himself to maneuver you to face him, but you don't dare look him in the optic. You open your legs and put them around his waist, and hug him, laying your helm on his chassis comfortably. Even though you were and are still afraid of him and the possibility that he could throw you on the ground whenever he so pleases, you're content with the current affections of your strong partner. You don't like it when he's angry, at you or otherwise because he disappears, swallowed by inky black hatred that blinds and deafens him.

It horrifies you to no end, but there's nothing you can do about it when it happens. Nothing to do other than pray and hope and cling to the chance that the real him will resurface again. "Are you awake, little one?" He asks. How long has he been talking to you, if he has been at least.

"Hmm?" You hum quietly.

"I've been trying to speak to you." He whispers as he lowers his helm onto your open shoulder. "It's alright, let's just recharge instead. We need it. You need it." He lays back on the berth. He can't stand recharging flatly. He likes to be propped up at an angle, especially with you against his chassis. Thus, the berth is at the perfect level that lulls him in a timely manner. You lay and listen. His warm frame hums and rumbles with energy so softly in his own way of showing you affection.

He subconsciously holds you nice and firmly to himself. And he won't let go until he wakes up again or is woken up for whatever his commanders deem appropriate enough to do such a thing. But for now, he holds you. He loves you. He's merciful tonight, and it eases your spark and slows your processor. Knowing and feeling the strength of his love overshadows any doubt that may have begun to grow and continuously cut it down any time it shows up. You would do anything to keep him like this, keep him soft and kind, but you'll have to change some things, get stronger.

[shywhumpauthor]

Landline Part 7

Just a Plant

Prev. / Masterlist

Cw: kidnapping, gaslighting, creepy whumper, multiple whumpees, abuse, verge of a breakdown, emotionally overwhelmed whumpee. I didn’t even read this over, it’s been in my docs app for months. Let me know if I missed something, I probably did.

Coriander was a good thinker.

They didn’t do it often, as sheer impulsivity and impatience were typically the first to arise, but when they had time to allow the reason to settle, they were able to instill order. They could sort and file their thoughts, their emotions, pack them away and shove them into small, orderly boxes in the dark corners of their mind, only to be opened in the dead of night when sleep seemed to avoid them.

For a while they say there, on the edge of the bed, thinking. Or rather, not thinking. Pushing the thoughts away as they came, knowing that if they let one linger, it would only be a matter of time before the whole flood broke loose.

They didn’t bother trying the window. They already knew it wouldn’t open, they didn’t need to test it. Maybe they could break the glass. Some other time they would try. Not now.

At some point they laid down. Their legs hanging off the side of the bed in the same manner they had when sitting, Coriander turned their head to feel the cool of the comforter press against their cheek. They allowed the motion to soothe them, to calm the flushed heat that had built under their skin. So much had gone wrong, they knew the only thing they had right now was to take solace in the things that weren’t entirely wrong. They could focus on the truths of the situation. They could fixate on how this wasn’t their bed, how this wasn’t their house, how somewhere two floors below their feet was curled in a dark, damp basement, injured and bound. They couldn’t allow the thoughts of how they were trapped, stranded in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but this awful house and its awful owner, to flood their mind any further than they were already creeping towards the edges.

If the did, they would break down.

And Coriander wasn’t sure if they’d be able to put themself back together.

It took them a while to return from the faraway land their mind had ventured to. A place that was cool, but not cold, like a peaceful breeze rather than an icy wind. The ceiling blurred in and out of sight, their eyes staring ahead unfocused as colors and shadows played at the corners of their vision, only to disappear with each blink. When Coriander came back, their chest no longer felt like it was going to explode. They felt like the bottom half of an hourglass, sand slowly trickling down grain by grain, pooling somewhere in their torso. It wasn’t an amazing feeling, but it was bearable, and right now bearable was just a bout as good as they could hope for.

They sat up slowly, and then stood even slower. The threads of the carpet tickled the bottoms of their bare feet, and they walked to the dresser, pulling open the drawers until they found a pair of socks. It wasn’t that difficult—they lay neat in the top one, a fair number of them, still with the plastic tags that came with retail. That was at least a little reassuring, if that word could be used at all. They weren’t wearing someone else’s socks. That was a weird thought.

They didn’t look through the other drawers, though the curiosity riddled temptation itches their palms, they knew that there would be time later for them to explore. Not knowing made the room feel a bit more foreign, strange, and the unattached feeling helped them imagine it was just some random room in a random house. They didn’t familiarize themself with each nook and cranny, didn’t take in more than what they saw at first glance. They hoped that way, it would be easier to forget later on.

After putting on the socks, unsure of where to leave the tag they just set it on top of the dresser, by the little potted plant. A sad plant. The soil was dry and the leaves were beginning to turn an ugly yellowing brown. Left alone and forgotten about, withering away with only the thoughts of its loneliness to fill its last days.

It was just a plant. Just a plant.

Just a plant.

Coriander shook their head, stepping away from the dresser and towards the door. The gold knob was cold against their hand, the metallic paint faded in places where many fingers had touched.

They needed to talk to Dan. That was the only thought they allowed to circle their mind, bouncing back and forth to fulfill the space their repressed worries ached to occupy.

They opened the door, leaving it ajar behind them as they stepped out to the hallway. A few steps over and down the stairs, their hand gliding across the railing, the wood smooth but worn. The steps groaned as they walked, steady. Slow but not dragging. They were going to talk to Dan.

Down the stairs. Step by step. Their hand fell from the rail at the bottom, returning to their side. They could feel the cold of the floor even through their socks.

The living room wasn’t far from the bottom of the stairs. The den, as Dan called it. With only a step from the stairs, they could peer to the side and see past the couch to the fireplace, which had by now dwindled to a few stray embers and a faint smell of wood.

Dan looked up as Coriander paused in the doorway, a moment of hesitation as they just now began to think about what they were doing. A muscle in their leg twitched, itching them to turn around and flee back up the stairs. They didn’t know this person.

“I need you to answer me.” Coriander’s words caught in their swollen throat, a lump of anxiety lodging in their esophagus which they quickly swallowed back. They couldn’t get apprehensive now. They had committed to the act, and now they had to play the part. “I just- I need to understand.”

Dan sat in the same armchair as before, though instead of a book they now held a mug, a blanket spread across their lap with a movie playing on the television. They didn’t say anything as they set the cup down on the near end table, and picked up the remote to pause the program.

“Doll, are you sure? You don’t look well, maybe you should rest-“

“Don’t call me that,” Coriander interrupted, allowing the swell of anger at the pet name to fuel their confidence. Their fingers twitched, and they curled their hands into fists. “I want to know. Who was that and what did you do to them?”

Dan frowned. For a moment they didn’t speak, their narrowed gaze pinned against Coriander’s.

“Why don’t you sit down, Cory,” their voice dragged out, their tone stretched thin and laced with something dark.

“No. I’m not- I’m not doing anything until you tell me.”

Coriander regretted the words the moment they passed their lips, but it was too late for them to back down. Dan’s glare turned from annoyed to piercing, a cold knife which stabbed through Coriander’s chest, ripping a hole through their lungs through which all the air escaped from, leaving them faltering for breath as their captor moved the blanket off their lap and stood.

“You have some nerve, Cory. Now sit down so we can talk.”

Nothing about their voice, their words, their tone sat right in Coriander’s head, the walls which held back every repressed fear beginning to tremble. Dan felt like a fire, a burning hot fire creeping towards them, sucking the oxygen from the room as it singed their skin. They knew they had to pull back, wrench away before the flames could burn them, but whatever stubborn force that had driven their words now seemed to seize control of their body as well, keeping them planted firmly in place even as the flames started to lick up their arms and catch onto their clothes.

“Tell me.” Their voice came out barely a whisper, barely a sound, lost among the crackling of the blaze. Dan grabbed them by the arm, their touch burning worse than any heat could as they dragged them forwards, before pushing them down to the couch, standing above where they sat to glare down at them. Their knees were practically pressing against Coriander’s, their presence pushing them further into the couch as they placed their hands firmly against Coriander’s shoulders.

“Listen to me very closely.” They bent down slightly, evening their face with Coriander’s. So close they could see the reflection of light in Dan’s pupils, the way their lips pulled as they spoke. “You will not disrespect me. You can either speak to me as a civilized person, or not at all. This is my house, and you will follow my rules, do you understand?”

It took Coriander a moment to find their voice, which had retreated deep into their chest. They swallowed, words scratching against their suddenly dry mouth. “You- you haven’t told me any rules-“

The slap came faster than Coriander thought would be possible. A palm cracked against their cheek with enough force to leave their ears ringing for minutes afterwards, swift and stinging as a snakebite as their head was knocked to the side. Pain exploded, ricocheting up their temple and down across their jaw, a burning sting erupting across their skin.

Dan grabbed their chin, twisting their face back towards them, barely giving them a moment to recover from the blow before their nails were biting into Coriander’s cheek, drawing a pitiful sound from the depths of their throat.

“Do not test me,” Dan hissed, their face so close to Coriander’s they could feel the rush of breath past their kidnapper’s grit teeth. “My patience is running out. If I have to strap you up in the basement and whip you bloody to get you to behave, I fucking will.”

The next few seconds seemed to stretch into an eternity as Dan stood there, eye to eye with their captive, unrelenting and unforgiving. Finally, they let go of Coriander’s jaw, their hand moving off their shoulder to smooth over Coriander’s hair, their composure returning to a gentle quiet as quickly as the slap had struck.

“Now, doll, what was it you wanted to talk about?”

—————————————————

Next

Tag list: @a-n-i-a-fan @itsmyworld23

[mxlti-fand0m-imaginess]

Beautiful* // James March

request: none

prompts: none

warnings: language, insecurities, mentions of acne scars, stretch marks, and feeling overweight, knife play, cunnilingus, smut, bdsm, bondage, spanking, thigh riding, basically extremely kinky sex

a/n: i’ve been really insecure lately so i thought i would write this to try and cheer me up! also the insecurities mentioned in this are based on my own, so i’m sorry if you don’t relate to this!

It wasn’t as bad at first. You could handle your feelings. Hide them away under a mask and pretend that everything was okay. And this worked for a while. You didn’t face them, and in return, they didn’t hurt you.

But slowly your mask began to break.

James never stopped having his dinners with The Countess, even though you’ve been together for almost a year now. And although you knew James loved you, you couldn’t help but feel that he loved her more.

Then you started noticing things about yourself. Little insecurities, which seemed huge in your eyes. The acne scars that littered your face. The stretch marks on your thighs and waist. The way your stomach would pudge out a little more than normal. It started to get so unbearable, that you couldn’t even look in the mirror without wanting to cry.

And finally, James was becoming more distant. In the back of your mind you knew that it was because he was busy. But you couldn’t help but blame yourself. You weren’t good enough for him. You weren’t pretty enough for him. He didn’t love you anymore.

After dealing with these feelings for a while, the mask you hid behind finally broke. The final straw was when you saw James and The Countess together in the lobby. He pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. You shouldn’t have thought it anymore than James being polite, but you couldn’t stop the sinking feeling you felt seeing them together.

You ran back into the elevator and went to the seventh floor. Once the doors opened you went straight to yours and James shared room, locking the door behind you. You pressed your weight against the door, and slowly slid down, curling up into a ball.

The tears started coming. You couldn’t stop them. Every single thing that made you insecure ran through your head. You didn’t have a mask anymore. Everything you were feeling was out in the open. And it was painful. Part of you wanted to die, but doing that here would be of little help.

Even though crying in a ball was slightly comforting, you were beginning to get a little uncomfortable. The floor isn’t exactly the best place to have a breakdown. So you pulled yourself up and went to the bathroom. You put your hands on the sink and braced yourself. Slowly, you looked up into the mirror.

The sight only made you feel worse. Your acne scars were still visible, but now your eyes were red and puffy. And there were dark purple bags beneath them. The makeup you spent an hour on earlier that day had melted away through your grief, leaving a black splotchy mess.

You grabbed a makeup wipe and quickly ran it across your face. You couldn’t bare to look up in the mirror once more, so you walked back into the room. You slipped your shoes off along with your dress, before searching for one of James’ button ups.

Even though he was partially to blame for your despair, his scent was still comforting to you. You sighed as you walked over to your bed, collapsing onto of the sheets. You grabbed a pillow and hugged it, trying to find some sort of comfort. It didn’t work, but you couldn’t bring yourself to let it go.

Then the door opened. James walked in the room, and headed over to you.

“Darling, what are you doing in bed? It’s the middle of the day.”

You couldn’t answer, since your crying had exhausted you. So you didn’t do anything. You just stayed in your postion, cuddling the pillow.

“Darling?” he asked once more as he walked in front of you.

He crouched down to meet your eyes, and his face fell when he saw you. You didn’t realize it, but you were still crying. He gasped slightly as he gently brushed your tears away.

“Dearest, what’s wrong? Please talk to me.”

Slowly you sat up, letting go of the pillow. You drew your legs into your chest and stared at the ground. James sat next to you and pulled you into a hug.

“Dearest?” he said softly, hoping to get you to speak.

“Do you really love me?” you said softly, too tired to talk any louder.

“Of course I do dearest. How could you think any differently?”

“I- I’m ugly. I have scars everywhere, and I’m no where near as beautiful as Elizabeth. And you obviously still love her, becuase you still have your dinners with her. And you never spend time with me anymore, and I don’t blame you. I’m ugly, and boring, and I don’t deserve you.”

James sat in silence as he though over what you said.

“Is that really how you feel? Becuase I can assure you I don’t love Elizabeth anymore. We only have those to discuss running the hotel. If it really brings you distress I shall stop them. And I’m sorry I’ve been distant, I’ve just been very busy with John. I’ll make more time for you, I promise.”

You took in his words, slowly nodding. But you noticing how he didn’t mention you saying you were ugly. Did he agree with you? Did he think you weren’t beautiful?

As he if read your mind, James spoke once more.

“As for you not feeling beautiful, I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t think I can accurately put into words just how beautiful you are. So I guess I’ll just have to show you.”

You were about to ask him what he meant, but you didn’t get the chance because his lips were on yours. This kiss wasn’t like the others shared between you. Normally they were hungry, and lustful. But this one felt like pure passion and love.

James gently pushed you back so you were laying down. He climbed on top of you, and slowly trailed kisses down your neck, leaving marks behind.

“Darling you look absolutely ravishing when you wear my clothes,” he said as he slowly began to unbutton the shirt you were wearing.

“But it looks even better on the floor.”

You laughed slightly at him, but fell silent when he pulled out his knife. Your pussy instantly got wet as he smirked above you, before gently running his blade over your skin.

“Don’t move dearest.”

He pushed down slightly and cut your bra and panties off, throwing the scarps of fabric aside. You shivered slightly as the cool air hit your damp pussy. James sat back and admired you. His gaze looked as though he was starving, and you were his favorite meal.

“I promise you that by the end of this, you’re going to realize just how beautiful you are.”

You nodded at his words. You watched as he moved himself in between your legs. He was so close that you could feel his breath against your heat. James started to kiss your thighs, leaving love bites all over your stretch marks.

“How could you not love these? They’re beautiful!”

You moaned softly as he bit down on the flesh of your leg. He pressed a gentle kiss over the bite marks and then turned his attention to your aching core.

He licked a stripe up your slit, causing you to moan. You reached down and lightly tugged as his hair. He groaned against you, and you shivered at the vibrations.

James continued to devour your pussy, causing you to shake under his touch. You couldn’t stop the moans that left your mouth. His tongue worked its way between your folds, causing immense pleasure to wash over you.

“Fuck James. That feels so good,” you said breathlessly.

Then he moved to suck on your clit, replacing his mouth with his fingers. He thrust two of them inside of you, pressing them lightly against the spot that drove you wild. A loud moan left your mouth at the contact.

“Oh fuck, Mr. March,” you moaned out.

James growled at the name, biting your clit. You squealed slightly in between your moans. You could feel him smirk against you. Your impending orgasm was beginning to build up. You could feel yourself getting closer with every thrust of his fingers.

“Mr. March, I- I’m gonna cum.”

As soon as the words left your mouth, James pulled away. You whined as you met his eyes, pouting slightly.

“Why’d you stop?” you asked innocently.

“You have doubted my love for you. And therefore you must be punished,” he said staring down at you.

The look he gave you was enough to make you cum on the spot. But you held it back for fear of being punished more. So instead you nodded, feeling excitement build up as your mind wondered what was in store for you.

You didn’t have long to wonder though, because soon you were being pulled onto his lap. The rough material of his clothes brushing against your bare skin made you moan softly. You knew was about to happen, and the excitement within you was building.

“You know what happens to naughty little girls, don’t you?” James asked as he gently rubbed his hand against your bare ass.

You nodded and then felt a sharp sting on your behind.

“Use your words darling,” he said in a warning tone.

“Yes Mr. March,” you answered.

“I think you deserve ten, does that seem fitting to you?”

Even though he was asking you, your answer didn’t matter. He would do whatever he seemed fit. He loved playing with you, and your opinion was not going to stop him.

“Yes, Mr. March.”

“I want you to count for me. If you mess up, we start over. Do you understand?”

“Yes Mr. March,” you responded once more.

Then you felt his hand come down on your ass, hard. You moaned slightly and forced your mind to focus.

“One.”

James continued slapping you, and you continued counting. By the end you were a tearful mess. His handprints littered your ass, and James smiled as you winced under his touch.

“You’ve been so good for me little girl. I think you deserve a reward. Would you like to cum?”

“Yes Mr. March,” you choked out through your tears.

James picked you up once more and straddled you over his legs. The coarse material against your bare pussy made you moan. You looked up at James and melted under the hunger in his gaze.

“Ride my leg,” he commanded.

You instantly complied, putting your hands on his shoulders to steady yourself. You began to move your hips back and forth against his leg. You couldn’t stop the moans that left your mouth. The way he was making you feel, was better than anything you’ve felt in a long time, and he wasn’t even doing anything to you.

“You look so beautiful like that darling. I just don’t see how you could ever doubt your beauty.”

You fell apart at his words, getting closer and closer to your edge.

“That’s it darling, cum for me.”

“Ohhh fuck, Mr. March,” you mumbled out as your orgasm washed over you.

You cling to James tightly as you rode out your high, a sense of euphoria hanging in the air. You sighed and collapsed your weight onto him. James gently wrapped his arms around you, and helped you lay down next to him.

When you heard his belt unbuckle, your head perked up as you looked over at him. James only smiled as he brought the belt over towards you. You knew what he wanted so you put your wrists against the headboard above you.

“Good girl,” he praised as he bound you to the bed.

You watched as James shed the rest of his clothing. You pussy already dripping once more. James felt your eyes on him and looked up to find you staring. He only smirked as he climbed on top of you.

“You’ve been so good for me darling. It’s only fitting that I give you what you want.”

In your post orgasmic bliss you couldn’t do much more than nod at his words. James reached between your legs and swiped a finger through your heat.

“You’re already soaked again. You must really want me.”

James lined his cock up with your pussy and pushed in, bottoming out completely. You let out a moan at the feeling, and winced only slightly due to overstimulation.

But he didn’t give you anytime to adjust. He began rapidly thrusting into you, looking deeply into your eyes. Your eyes met his and you could feel the love pouring out of them. You went to pull him closer to you, but couldn’t due to your restraints.

“I wanna touch you,” you begged as you tried to reach towards him.

“Hmm, I don’t know if you deserve it,” he said, teasing you.

You moaned once more as he began to thrust against your g-spot. One of his hands trailed down your body and began to rub circles onto your clit.

“Please. Please Mr. March, let me touch you. Please,” you said before another moan came out of your mouth.

Giving in to you, James undid the belt, and your hands instantly went to his shoulders, pulling him closer to you. You wrapped your legs around his waist, trying to get as close to him as you could.

Then you felt it once more. The knot building in your stomach. You were about to cum once more. Your moans increased as you neared your edge.

“James. I- I’m gonna cum.”

“Cum for me dearest. You deserve it.”

At his command, you let go, covering his cock in your juices. A few moments later, James grunted as he spilled his seed inside of you. He collapsed on top of you, before pulling out, and laying down next to you. You felt a mixture of yours and his cum drip down your legs, covering the inside of your thighs.

He went to get up to grab you a towel to clean up with, but you grabbed his wrist.

“Stay with me, please.”

“I’ll be back in just a moment darling. You’re going to be quite sticky if I don’t clean you up.”

You sleepily nodded and let go off him. James returned moments later, and wiped the cum off of your legs. He then tossed the towel aside and laid down next to you once more. You snuggled into him, breathing in his scent, and allowing yourself to relax.

“Darling, I truly am sorry for my absence as of late. I promise you I will make more time for you, no matter the cost. And I really hope you do realize just how beautiful you are.”

James was concerned when you didn’t answer, but immediately relaxed after he looked down. You were fast asleep in his arms. He pressed a gentle kiss to your head, and allowed himself to fall asleep next to you.

[darthkruge]

Could you do an imagine where Anakin comforts an insecure reader

Anakin Skywalker x Reader ~ Insecurities 

Summary: Anakin comes home to find the reader drowning in their own insecurities and does everything he can to make it better.

Words: 2.2k

Warnings: Heavy talk of insecurities, including the reader feeling insecure about their body, personality, relationship, basically themself in general. A little bit of blood and some injuries but nothing major. Angst to fluff, I’d say?

A/N: Hi anon! First off, I hope you’re okay. Secondly, thank you for requesting! And ofc I’ll write this, comfort fics are my shit! I tried to get this request out as quick as I could and it did take a tiny bit longer than I wanted, but I wanted to do it justice. Also, y’all are beautiful and perfect and I love each and every single person reading this. If anyone ever needs anything, I’m here always. If you wanna talk or vent or just share some of your thoughts, I got you. 

(not my gif)

It was just one of those days. You weren’t a stranger to them but, nonetheless, you always felt unprepared when they hit. The feeling where you wanted to crawl out of your own skin, your own mind. Where regardless of what clothes you wore, you hated how you looked. The thoughts were the worst part, telling you lies that felt terrifyingly like truths. 

You’re worthless. You’re unlovable. You’re ugly. Everyone else can see it. They all know. No one really wants to spend time with you. You’re annoying. You’re stupid. You’re a bad person. 

The thoughts spiraled and spiraled and spiraled until you were lost in your own head. When it came to this, you frequently fell. It was too painful to hold onto your consciousness and fight it, so you let go. The thoughts continued as you curled back up in your bed, in the apartment in Coruscant that you shared with him, the one that normally brought you such comfort, and stared blankly at the wall. Tears streamed down your face and you didn’t even have the energy to wipe them away. 

Truly, the worst part was feeling so defeated. You were a strong Jedi and you took your training seriously. You’d fought in countless battles, you should be able to handle one in your mind. You wished you were strong enough to fight against these thoughts. The shame you felt around your insecurities only made you feel more alone. Instead of reaching out on days like this, you just forced yourself into silence. 

You were especially afraid to tell Anakin. Your beautiful, perfect, kind, loving boyfriend. He didn’t deserve to deal with you. He had enough on his plate, it wasn’t his job to comfort you because you weren’t strong enough to deal with your own shit. You were scared that once he saw how you viewed yourself, he would come clean and admit to seeing you the same way. I mean, you were so obviously hideous, how could he not see it, too?

Meanwhile, Anakin was finishing up a training session in the Jedi Temple. Normally he’d train with Obi-Wan, but today he wanted to focus on himself. Honestly, he was a bit distracted. Since he had a busy day today and you had the day off, he had to leave before you woke up, which he absolutely hated. He loved being there when you woke up and cooking breakfast for the two of you. You’d been dating for a few months and he was truly shocked that you’d kept him around for this long. You were everything he’d ever wanted. 

He realized he was smiling as he thought of you and decided to reach out with the Force to be reminded of your presence. He knew it wasn’t what the Force was supposed to be used for but he honestly couldn’t help it, he missed you. You were a comfort to him and he liked to check and make sure you were alright. 

Anakin’s brow furrowed as he searched for you. Normally, you were meditating at this time and he could feel a sense of serenity and contentment around you. Today, however, he was met with pain. Pain, and fear, and hatred, and sadness, and anguish, and loneliness. Anakin braced himself against the wall, stumbling back at the severity of your emotions. Right after, he composed himself and took off in a run, trying to get to you as quickly as possible. 

“Y/N? Y/N?!” Anakin yelled, bursting through the door. He was immediately taken aback when he noticed that all the lights were off. Walking quietly, he heard your sobs coming from the bedroom. He went in and felt his heart shatter. There you were, his angel, curled under the blankets, sobbing. He looked around and noticed the mirror in your room smashed. He walked over and gently placed a hand on your back, trying not to startle or upset you more. 

You looked up at him and started crying even harder. He pulled you into his arms and noticed how you fell limply into his chest. The fight seemed to have extinguished from your eyes, causing him to hold you even closer. Your arms weakly surrounded his middle as his hands stroked your back and gently combed through your hair. 

You felt lost and trapped, the world around you fuzzy and distorted from the tears. Even so, you felt him. You breathed him in, inhaling his comforting scent and feeling his warmth. He helped you ground yourself, the broken wails eventually quieting into soft cries. Anakin didn’t try to shush you, he just whispered reassurances into your hair, let you get it out, and held you. “I’ve got you, love. It’s alright, get it out. I’m here, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got you.”

You listened to those affirmations as you sagged into him, taking a few more minutes to just lay there. Softly, Anakin pulled you away from him so he could study you. You saw his face contorted with worry and immediately felt guilty. Great, Y/N, now you’ve made him upset. Fuck, he doesn’t deserve this. Why did I have to be so fucking needy?!

Your thoughts were interrupted by him. “What happened, angel?”

“I-” You trailed off, not sure what to say. “I just had a shit day���

You could tell he knew it was more and, feeling vulnerable under his intensely caring gaze, brought your hand to move the hair out of your face.

Quickly, you heard Anakin take a sharp inhale of breath before grabbing your hand. Ouch. You looked down and noticed the cut on the back of your hand. It had mostly dried by now, thankfully, but the pain from punching that mirror earlier was definitely still registering. 

He wordlessly went to the bathroom and brought out some gauze and anti-bacterial medicine. When he returned, his eyes drifted to the mirror and you saw him putting the pieces together. He spent a few moments in silence, his expression downcast. He worked quickly, bandaging you up and collecting his thoughts. “Why?” He asked, softly.

“I don’t know. I couldn’t stand to look at myself anymore” You whispered, wiping away some residual tears from your eyes. 

“Y/N, you’re gorgeous, love. Please, angel, please look at me.” He cupped your face and moved you so you were in his lap, making sure you heard every word. “You are truly the most breathtaking person I’ve ever met. You’re ethereal.”

Anakin’s voice was quiet as he told you these things. Quiet, yet powerful. Almost as if it was the gentle caress of his innermost thoughts. Completely honest and raw, yet too intimate for anyone to hear except you.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry your brain is lying to you. That must be so hard, fighting against your own mind. Baby, you’re brave. You’re so, so brave.”

You were shaking your head, “Ani, no, no I’m not. I’m not brave, I didn’t fight. I let them consume me. I was drowning and I couldn’t breathe until you came in. I couldn’t anchor myself at all, I was so weak” You said, disgusted with yourself. 

“Shh, shh, Y/N, listen. You are strong because even though you felt the weight of everything on your shoulders, you didn’t drown. I know you felt like you would, but look! You’re here. You didn’t drown.” He took a second to pause, kissing your forehead lovingly. “Do you want to talk about what brought this on?”

“If I tell you, promise you won’t think differently of me?”

“I promise. Nothing could change how I feel about you.”

You inhaled deeply, hands shaking slightly. Ani took them in his own, steadying them while looking at you deeply. “I’ve been dealing with some shit for a while and I think it all kind of caught up to me today? I hate how I look, Ani. I look in the mirror and I can’t handle it. That’s why I broke it, I just, I couldn’t. And then I was just thinking of how you don’t deserve to deal with someone like me. You shouldn’t have to come home after a day of training and deal with my breakdowns. I know I should have told you I’ve been feeling like this. I just was terrified. I was terrified you’d agree with me. I’m terrified you’ll leave me. I’m terrified you’ll wake up and see how you deserve so much more than the shitty fucking messed up person I am.” You trail off and meet his eyes, tears glistening in both of yours, “Ani, I’m so terrified” You finish, voice wavering. 

Anakin rests his forehead against yours, pressing kisses to your hands. He lets his eyes close and tears fall down his cheeks. He couldn’t believe you were in this much pain and he never noticed. You were the love of his life and he felt like he’d failed you if you feel like this. 

“Y/N, I’m not gonna leave you. I’m not going anywhere. You are the best person for me, hell, you’re the best person in the entire fucking galaxy. Everyday I wake up and think about how lucky I am to call you mine. You’re smart, you’re kind, you’re compassionate. You’re stubborn as hell and I love that about you. You challenge me and you’re a damn good Jedi. You’re strong, stronger than anyone should ever have to be. Your heart inspires me everyday. Simply, you’re good. And I know I said it a bit earlier, but I’m gonna say it again. You are stunning, love. Truly.” Anakin said, pulling away so he could really see you. 

“Look at your legs! They’re so pretty, baby. Especially when you jump up and wrap them around me after I get home from a mission? That’s the best feeling in the freaking world! And your stomach! You always let me rest my head on it when I’m tired and I know you think it’s weird but it’s such a good angle because I can lay there and play with your hands. And, baby, your arms!! You give such good hugs and you when wrap them around me?? It makes me feel safe in a world full of chaos. And at night when you use them to curl into me, or when we’re dancing together? Fuck, I just love them.”

Anakin trailed off for a second. He held your face in his palms and you leaned into their warmth. “And you’re face, Y/N. It’s just so perfectly you. When I look into your eyes, I know I’m home. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. I don’t understand how you can hate your body when it's the body that makes me feel like I’m going to be okay. You make me feel like I’m going to be okay. I’ve always felt so out of control, so lost. But you ground me. Please, come to me if you ever feel like this again? You are not a burden or a messed up person. You’re everything. I’m here for you. I know my words won’t fix anything overnight. Even so, I promise you, I will repeat them everyday until you believe them and, after that, I will continue to remind you until my last breath.”

You hugged him and nuzzled into his chest, overcome with emotion. “I’m trying Ani, I’m really trying. It’s not easy for me to come to people when I feel like that but I promise I’ll try.”

His arms tightened around you and he placed a kiss on the top of your head. “That’s all I could ever ask of you, love. Thank you for being willing to try”

“Thank you, too, for talking me down today. It doesn’t normally get that bad. Some days are worse than others, you know? But you really helped me. I love you more than anything. I love you for loving me when I feel unlovable” 

“I will always be here to remind you how deserving you are of love, happiness, and every other positive thing in the universe. I love you, too. I’ve loved you for years, I love you now, and I’ll love you forever”

Anakin hadn’t really let you go since he returned to the apartment. He was naturally a protective person and hated to see you hurting. He was so soft, so comforting. Although vulnerability is always hard, he made it so much easier. You knew he would always validate you, comfort you, and be there without judgement. He was everything you could possibly need and more.

Eventually, your breathing evened out as he rocked you in his arms. Anakin layed you back under the covers and went to pull away to sweep up the broken mirror’s glass. As he attempted to release himself from your arms, you whined and only tightened your grip on him. Anakin smiled and chuckled quietly, laying down and pulling you on top of his chest. You hummed contently and he placed a few more soft kisses onto your hair, your forehead, your shoulders, everywhere. You were his top priority always and he wanted to keep you safe physically, mentally, and emotionally. He could never deny you comfort, especially not in this state. After waiting a few more moments to ensure you were truly at rest, Ani closed his eyes. The glass could always wait until tomorrow...

[urstruly-ghst]

can I ask an angst to fluff hc for the dorm leaders where someone told them that Crowley finally found a way to take their s/o back to their world and now they're already at their home? but in the end they came back because they don't want to be separated from them? I hope this isn't too specific thank you very much!

jdjdjs awee i love that

riddle rosehearts

Riddle hasn't seen his significant other in over a week, he hasn't heard chaos in a week, and he felt terrified on why so

He thought you and the Adeuce combo are planning something big, so he waited to see what that may be, but a month has passed and no words from you came.

When he and the others planned the Unbirthday Party, he asked the Adeuce combo to come clean, and tell them where is his lover.

Deuce stood still and lowered his gaze, while Ace nervously looked away from their Dorm Leader's gaze that could strip your pride fast.

Riddle huffed and asked the explanation, he felt mad that they won't just spit out the truth. As he taps his foot in waiting, Deuce finally had the courage to say what happened to you.

He nodded at the duo and ran to his room, saddened and not coming out to even greet his dorm on the Unbirthday Party. He just felt depressed.

While cooped up in his room, he cries while staring at a simple picture of you both, and he questions your love too. How could you leave just like that?

But even his doubts, he loves you and worries about you more.

Riddle felt terrified, he questions your well being, and since he thought this silence for a month was part of prank, he didn't think you were back to your home world.

No one can cheer up Riddle, not even Trey's sweet tarts, Riddle was just wondering what ifs and crying to anyone that you would come back.

To his surprise, you did come back! A sweet smile on your lips as you hugged him tightly.

He was reunited with the love of his life, and he couldn't help but break down holding you tightly. When you tell him that you're here for good, he pinched himself slightly.

You're here for good, and he couldn't help but cry more. He felt so grateful to be with you in this moment.

leona kingscholar

Leona hasn't seen you ever since that airhead of a headmaster summoned you to his office.

He assumed he sent you on a crazy adventure to do something for him, but it irked him how you weren't showing up for weeks!

He felt somewhat insecure and scared that your are avoiding him, and that you're hiding.

Leona decided he'd march and ask your friends.

But even after that, your friends remained silent. As if they were hiding crucial evidence or something.

He decided to stomp to Crowley or he brought Ruggie to the scene. Either way, he got from a second source, that you went back on a whim.

Leona was in denial, he was angry, growling angrily and always not believing that you went into the mirror again.

He didn't do much, he just stared. Leona believed that if you really wanted to, you could've stayed.

Bit by bit, he became lazier and snarky.

Yet, he didn't expect a sudden tackle on his stomach while he was napping. Leona clicked his tongue and was about to make a nasty remark until he opened his eyes and saw you.

Leona couldn't stomach in as he saw you, gleaming with that familiar mischievous in your bright eyes. He smiled and couldn't help but cuddle into you.

He hopes that your stay lasts, and when you confirm that you are here. He just never lets your figure go, he just wants to savour each and every second.

azul ashengrotto

The Monstro Lounge was booming with life, ever since your arrival, it somehow became more busy.

No one knew why, but he did not complain on the booming business. He always hoped that it will boom into success.

However, his only complaint was how you didn't appear into his office for a few weeks on end. But, again, he assumed you were just making sure you don't bother him.

While it made him uneasy, he wanted to know why you seemed to be... quiet. Why is that, he didn't know.

Instead of asking your friends, he just went to Ramshackle, but to his horror... You weren't there, and Grim was just in the middle of the room. As if he was missing something.

He demanded some answers to Grim, to which he replied that you went back because Crowley found a way. Azul felt saddened and infuriated.

He took Grim under his wing, as it was the only remnant of you or somewhat associated with you that isn't easily lost.

Even though he was busy, Azul kept taking breaks into a sad breakdown in his octopot, crying his eyes out as it hurt that you went out with no explanation.

Azul just had a cycle, work, bury himself, cry, repeat. This happened for weeks, that it started to concern the others.

But, no one dared to approach him, until one faithful day, someone did approach him.

Azul was about to lash out, until that voice rung in his ears. That voice that called him so sweetly.

He didn't care if he was crying ugly tears, he dragged you into his pot hugging you so desperately.

kalim al-asim

Kalim was busy, another party was planned, and he had a hectic schedule.

After Jamil had his Overblot episode, Kalim tried and tried to be more participative in the events rather than dumping it on him.

So, he kind of drifted from his own world, but he didn't forget to pester you on days when you come up.

What he didn't expect was you not showing up on the party, he felt somewhat sad. I mean, he worked hard for it!

So, he tried to search for you, asking others if they had seen you, all came up empty.

While Kalim was searching, he heard Ace and Deuce sighing sadly. Then, Ace spoke out his dismay on your sudden leaving.

He stood still, and yelled at the two first years, startling them in the process.

Kalim, tears fresh in his eyes, asked if it was true. When they confirmed, he nodded and cried, causing Ace and Deuce to just panic over the Dorm Leader.

After that event, Sacrabia barely had parties now. Jamil grew concerned, but he knew what grief can do.

Kalim decided to be more isolated and just stay put, as if he is hoping this was just a dream.

While Kalim seemed so moody, Jamil knocked politely on the bedroom door before pushing someone into his room.

He looked at the visitor, and he froze. Just as he was about to question you, you just hugged him. Tightly.

For the first time in forever, Kalim was quiet with you, as he savored the way you just said you're not leaving again.

vil schoenheit

Vil doesn't know why you just got summoned by that chaotic of a headmaster, but he stayed out of it for your privacy.

He didn't notice your absence, after all, his shoots and busy schedule lately caused him to be out and about.

Vil won't notice you being gone until a few good days after his latest shoot, he expects you to just smile radiantly and swoon.

He expects some sort of praise or compliment from you, be it text or in person. But it never came.

He thought you were out with friends, he thought you were busy, he assumed many things. That was until he lost excuses to make for you.

He rushed to Ramshackle, only to find it barren once again. No traces of you, no traces of Grim.

Horror filled his guts as he rushed to the main building, to the office, asking and demanding what happened to you.

Crowley explained the mirror found your home, and you have gone back home. At that moment, Vil was a lost for words.

Anger and sadness plagued his mind in ways he wish he can explain, but he was lost.

Vil then lost sleep over you, worrying and thinking of you, to the point he lost care for himself (by lost care, he meant less time for himself)

Rook can notice how distraught his Queen is, and he knew that all he can do is wish on a morning star that you would come back.

To Vil's surprise, you did come back. Running into his arms (in private), and crying how you aren't leaving him.

Vil was stunned but the way his tight arms around your being, you knew, he was happy. But he did scold you, after all, it was rude of you to just leave.

idia shroud

Idia hasn't seen you in forever, you haven't visited Ignihyde in ages. He thought that you finally got sick of hanging out with him, so he sulked and buried himself deep into his coding, a coping mechanism.

Ortho also worried for your being, so he inspected the school for traces of you, to turn up barren.

Ortho worked hard for his brother, hoping to see you both happy. While he gathered data and facts, he reported it to Idia.

Idia like always, started to doubt the relationship and ask if this entire thing was worth it. He just felt insecure how fast you left him.

Idia dismissed Ortho's report and decide to just stimulate a render of you, in hopes he would feel better.

While testing out the stimulation, Ortho actually found you coming back! He wanted to surprise his brother, so while Idia was testing the stimulation, you stood in front of Idia.

Each time Idia reached out to the media, you would hold him. At first, Idia thought it was his robot. When he was about to check and finalize things, he saw you.

He froze on his spot. Before shakily hugging you tight, asking if this was just a cruel dream. Only for you to shake your head, clearing any of his doubt.

malleus draconia

He was actually there when you decided to go back home, as he was in the mirror room to check on something.

Crowley barged in with you in tow, but your eyes widened as you saw your lover, in the room.

Crowley explained his intentions with you, and by then, you also explained your side and desire to go back.

Malleus felt his heart broke, but he respected your decision, as he knows your love for your home.

So, after a few moments of contemplating and goodbyes, you entered the mirror. Gone and back home.

Now, his nights felt lonesome once more, his walks now feeling boring.

He still does his nightly walks, it was his fond memories that force him to.

He knows he shouldn't, as it could hurt, but Malleus prolonged his walks around Ramshackle. As if envisioning you were still there, he claims your presence is strong around the area.

Though Malleus knows he cant bring you back, and he knows wishes can come true, he forbade himself to even consider that.

He should respect and turn around, as your decision is finalized. What he never expected was a change of heart of yours.

While exploring the Ramshackle dorm, he heard running and panting towards him. He felt alarmed, but before anything could happen, a sweet voice called his name.

Malleus stood still as arms wrapped around him, securing him into an embrace. He felt loved, but confused as to why you changed.

Then, a sweet whisper of words came from you, and that's when he felt as if nothing else can compare to that.

[hanibalistic]

#006DB0 | HWANG HYUNJIN.

genre | angst to fluff (basically, angst and fluff), established relationship au

word count | 1324

warning | none

note | hello josie (ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc) picking the hardest prompt i put on the list, huh! this was fun to write, though! i hope you like it, love you lots ♥♥♥

request | @scxrlettwxtches​

there was a pink glow in you and hyunjin's shared room.

there was always something about the color pink. the color of barbie princesses, the color of cherry blossoms, the color of baby cheeks and romantic bento boxes. you didn't realize what it was that drew you to the color until it came to your senses that it resembled something strong within you.

it resembled the color red—heated, strong, persistent, and eye-catching. much like your blood that boiled for hyunjin, every minute and every day, as well as your fervent love that would blossom over him in the sunrise mornings and the dead of the nights.

pink was just a gentler version of red, a more feminine version of red, a lighter version of red. like the blush beneath your sharp skeleton when his lips trailed along your skin, and the pigment in your eyes when he smiled into them, and the sky in your chest where he curled himself against to fill the empty space.

if red was passion, then pink would be something along the lines of it. you couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but they were made out of the same stardusts, pink simply comes toward you as the ushered waves of the shore instead of the sparkling calamity of the thunderstorm.

they are both love, one way or another.

there was a pink glow in the shared bedroom.

it has not been pink for a while; for about a week, it has been a shade of crying ink-blue. the cowering of your laugher caused by the recent screams you two threw at each other, and the shrinking of your mixed scents forced by the emptiness of your bed where you have been sleeping alone in.

you two had a terrible fight with each other. both of you cared too much about each other, and two positives turned into a big negative at the end.

he wanted you to relax and stop worrying too much about him so you could save time for yourself, while you wanted him to take a break from work so he could look after his health more. in the heat of the moment, after a good-intended snarky remark that was taken less than likely, all the good intentions were twisted and hidden behind poisonous words—you were annoying, he was careless, you were bothersome, he was exhausting, you were clingy, he was stupid.

and the final verdict: "you don't love me enough."

it showed.

when someone doesn't love you enough, it shows, physically and overwhelmingly it forces you to see it with your eyes. and it showed when hyunjin was gone, thus unable to take care of you by himself.

the one shirt at the corner of your bedroom was never picked up and draped on the back of the chair, the heated blanket was never turned on beforehand so you could head to a warm bed, your fallen toothbrush was never placed back upright, and your shower towel was never hung back up after you carelessly dumped it on your bed.

hyunjin was accommodated to living with you. he knew how to share the same space with you. after he left and never came back, you had to adapt to living with yourself, and finally, you realized just how much of a messy hassle you were.

the blue glow in your room didn't tell you hyunjin didn't love you. it just made a comparison to when he was here and when he wasn't, how much you were cared for when he was here and how sloppily you lived when he wasn't. the blue glow made you realize with hyunjin, you never noticed how disastrous you were, and how much you couldn't deal with him not being here.

but it was gone today, the blue was gone.

the pink glow came back tonight.

you could see it. someone was in your room—hyunjin was in your room.

your shirt was gone, presumably hung back up in your shared wardrobe. the button to the heated blanket was turned on. the table light, illuminating an ugly yellow you didn't bother to change, turned back to the white ceiling glow. and your night light, the heart-shaped night light by the end of your bed was finally plugged back into the socket.

only hyunjin would have done this. nobody else knew you had to have white desk light, and nobody else knew you still needed to use your pink night light—and his arms—to fall asleep.

you dropped your bag on the floor and headed inside your room. your eyes were fixated on the night light, the pinkness of it illuminating the corner of your room. then, stumbling out of the bathroom, there came hyunjin with his hands still wet from washing.

he looked at you, his steps halting with surprise, then he gulped down a nervous breath and spoke, "you need to wash the hand cloth, you know that right?"

you, indeed, had not bothered to wash it the whole week. and hyunjin knew that would mean it has been sitting on the hanger on the wall for two weeks now since he exchanged it two weeks ago before he impulsively left the apartment to cool down.

"i forgot," you replied, rubbing the tip of your nose before letting your hand fall to your side.

he gave you a pursed smile, an awkward one that you didn't like seeing, and he gave you a nod before moving away from the bathroom. you panicked when you saw him leave the bedroom—you were afraid. in your eyes, the lingering pinkness was washing away with each step he took, and the glass of the night light was cackling with the threat of shattering.

"wa–wait! where are you going, are you leaving?" you asked, stepping toward him and reaching an arm out timidly.

hyunjin paused at the sound of your sheer anxiety. the sound of someone on the verge of tears, where their voice was wavering and there was a heavy knot sitting at the middle of their throat, and they were trying to push their tongue back so they could block the broken noise from surfacing their mouth.

at that exact moment, he couldn't think of much else but what he has done by not coming home.

"i'm just gonna make a snack, do you want something to eat?" he asked.

you ignored his question. "you're back, right? you're back home."

he nodded. "yeah."

there was relief in your chest. and with relief came a drop of solace, the solace that makes you breakdown. like the burst of a bubble that used to float wobbly and unstable in the air, at risk of everything around it, and just the tiniest thing could make the rainbow chemicals spill.

hyunjin was your bubble, he always has been; strong and unbreakable. and then you became your own bubble, and you were breaking because he came back as a needle you didn't see coming.

hyunjin watched your face scrunch into tears. your hands misplaced each other before your chest, curled into little fists he loved wrapping his hands around, and you took big strides toward him. he engulfed you in his arms immediately, his hand vining through your hair and his lips pressing apologies and love letters across the side of your face.

"i'm so sorry, baby, i'm so sorry. i will never do this again, i'm so sorry."

he kissed your cheek, he kissed your eyes, he kissed the tears that fell down your skin, he kissed your temple, he kissed your forehead, he kissed your lips—hyunjin kissed you, all over, and you cried until you laughed.

and everything felt okay when you looked into his eyes again, where his smile wasn’t polite but genuine and lovely.

there was a pink glow in you and hyunjin's shared room. along with the bedroom, you, too, glowed pink beneath his arms, and that will always be your favorite thing.

[bewitching-elizabeth-olsen]

Press: “It’s a New Day”: THR Drama Actress Roundtable

THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER: Gillian Anderson had been dreading this. A tripod had arrived at her home in the U.K., along with a mess of lights and, really, just the thought of having to sit through an hour-plus on Zoom had her practically reeling. But then the woman who stuns as Margaret Thatcher in the most recent season of Netflix’s The Crown got talking — about pigeonholing and pay equity, about grieving and giving oneself over — and soon she didn’t want to stop talking. And neither did anyone else — The Queen’s Gambit‘s Anya Taylor-Joy, Pose‘s Mj Rodriguez, Genius: Aretha‘s Cynthia Erivo, WandaVision’s Elizabeth Olsen and Ratched‘s Sarah Paulson — at THR’s annual (virtual) Drama Actress Roundtable.

Let’s start easy. Complete this sentence: On set, I’m the one who is most likely to be …

GILLIAN ANDERSON Hiding in a corner. (Laughter.)

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY Pacing whilst moving my hands like this (waving above) trying to figure out what it is that I’m doing.

SARAH PAULSON Bossing everyone around.

ELIZABETH OLSEN Probably trying to make the crew laugh.

At the same time, you’re also inhabiting characters for long stretches and often they require you to go to dark or heavy places. What happens when a director yells, “Cut”? Do they come home with you?

MJ RODRIGUEZ I try to separate myself from Blanca as much as possible, especially [because we’re] dealing with immense trauma. So, when I go home, it’s Michaela Jaé going home, and I bring Blanca to the set. It’s easier that way because it can weigh on you otherwise and wash off on your family.

TAYLOR-JOY I wish I had as much control over it. For me, there are some characters that you can very easily snap in and out of and then there are other ones like Beth in The Queen’s Gambit. I’d worked back-to-back on two projects with one day off in between, so by the time I got to filming the show, I was exhausted and there was no energy to create a barrier. And that was potentially the toughest thing about the show, because it was a wonderful experience as an actor to be able to not have to reach for any emotion, but then you also have to go through the psychological warfare of figuring out, “Why do I feel so awful in the morning?” Like, “What is happening?” And then you go, “Oh, it’s not my feelings,” but I have to sit in them all day and I have to be aware enough to go, “You are not depressed, the character is depressed, and at some point that will leave you.” But I do think a bath every single night — being able to have the visual representation of washing yourself clean of something — helps.

OLSEN Regardless of what exactly the day requires of you, emotionally, you’re just tired. And so you try to be patient and professional and kind, and then when you go home, that’s when your fuse is just … smaller. (Laughter.)

TAYLOR-JOY You should date us, we’re fabulous.

CYNTHIA ERIVO I did, it was a real ugly cry. After playing [Harriet Tubman in the 2019 film], I went straight to see my mother in London and I don’t know what happened, but I just broke. You know the visual representation of shattering glass? That was what was happening to me. All the stuff I had to dig through to play her, all that heartbreaking stuff didn’t leave me when I finished, and it took time to just dissipate. And it was the same with Aretha — unfortunately, the pandemic hit when we were in the middle of shooting, so I couldn’t completely get rid of her during the six-month hiatus, and then I had to go right back into playing her. And it’s little things, like mannerisms, that stick with you. The lilt in her voice when she’s speaking to people. Like, that’s not me but I was stuck with that for a bit. And I was recording an album at the same time, so there was no space between one and the other. It took me a while before I could listen to an Aretha song again.

ANDERSON I certainly had that experience doing X-Files for nine seasons. I had a good couple of mini breakdowns during that, and at the end, could not talk about it, could not see it, could not see pictures, could not. I needed to immerse immediately in theater in another country. And then after a while, I was able to embrace it again, but when I started to embrace it, it was almost like I separated myself so much that I was looking at the image as if it was another person. When you immerse yourself so entirely as we can and we do for such long periods of time, there’s not going to be no consequence to that. Of course, there’s going to be consequence to that.

TAYLOR-JOY May I pose a question to the group?

Please do.

TAYLOR-JOY It’s so wonderful hearing you two talk about this, because I’ve always felt really crazy for the depressions that you go into after you leave a character and not being able to necessarily connect with yourself. And I’m really curious to hear what your relationship is with something being seen. Because when I first started working, I convinced myself that filmmaking was a very private practice with a private group of people and that no one was ever going to see it. And I thought I’d grow out of that, and I haven’t. Every project I have to sit myself down about two months after it’s finished and go, “People are going to see this and have access to it whenever they want.” How do you guys work [handle that]? Because for Queen’s Gambit, I had to go through a grieving period. It was grief, genuinely, to think, “Oh goodness, this thing that I loved so much is not mine anymore.”

ANDERSON I had that experience after doing Blanche in Streetcar [Named Desire] here in the U.K. and then in New York.

OLSEN I saw your last performance in New York. You were fabulous.

PAULSON Fucking phenomenal.

ANDERSON I felt like I’d lost my best friend. I was grieving. Some friends of mine in New York had a brunch for me the weekend after [I finished my run], and I arrived like a complete wreck. It was so profound. I also knew it was unlikely I was going to do it again because I knew that I’d probably lose my mind. I got really close. Like, I’d survived by the skin of my teeth and if I did it again out of ego or attachment or not wanting to let her go, there would be consequences. So I knew it was the end, and it was so sad.

ERIVO Do you know what’s so crazy? I listen to you and I’m like, “Oh my God, that’s what was happening to me during The Color Purple.” It was the last show and I started grieving in the show, knowing that it was coming to an end. There’s one last song and I couldn’t get through it. And then the show ends and I buckled under the sadness of it. But there was no way I could have continued playing Celie on that stage. It [had been] 14 months and I had to let her go. The line between me and her had disappeared. But to answer your question, Anya, I’ve never had an issue with people seeing things. I usually have an issue seeing it after it’s done.

PAULSON This happened when I did Marcia Clark [for The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story]. I felt a profound connection to her and I felt protective of her, and the experience had been so tectonic plate-shifting for me, both as a performer and as a human, and I thought, “If I watch it, I’m going to pick apart everything.” She was left-handed, so every time I use my right hand, I’m going to think, “God damn it, why did they use that?” So, the only way to protect myself from that is to detach from what the world will experience with it. And I’ve maintained that for a long time now — I really don’t watch [things I’m in] because I don’t have the strength, first of all, to bear the sight of my face and, also, I find it really confronting. The preciousness of the thing you were creating with these other people is what I want to be the indelible thing for me and not how it was edited.

TAYLOR-JOY Mm-hmm.

PAULSON All that does is make me furious because I don’t have the power to go in and go, “Hi, um, could you choose take six? It’s infinitely better.” (Laughter.) And when you don’t have that ability and you’re at the mercy of someone else’s opinion of what is the finest work that you’ve done, which doesn’t always line up with what you feel, it’s really jarring and you feel so powerless to do anything about it. So, I have to just sage it all out and let my experience be the only thing that governs the way I feel about it.

RODRIGUEZ When the first two seasons of Pose came out, I didn’t watch them at first because I was just so nervous about how the world would receive it. It was a story that a lot of people haven’t gotten to see, and it was a whole bunch of trans women of color finally getting their shot. It’s a lot of responsibility. And on top of that, it’s a story that’s filled with trauma and things that a lot of us trans women have gone through, so it was hard for me to watch all of those things back.

Gillian, in your career you’ve also been a champion for pay equity. But even as you were promoting a book you co-authored on female empowerment a few years ago, you acknowledged that you were nervous speaking up about being paid less than your male co-star. What do you think you were scared of, and how have the conversations for you changed since?

ANDERSON I just need to point out that I first fought for pay equity way back when it was audacious by anybody’s standards, because I was a nobody when we started to do that series. But when I really spoke up about it was when it happened again, four or five years ago, after the career I’d already had post-X-Files. We were going back to do another season and Fox came to me to offer, I don’t know, a 10th of what my co-star [David Duchovny] was being offered. That was the point where I was like, “Fuck this. I’m actually going to talk about this [publicly].” And since then, it hasn’t really come up. I mean, I haven’t worked with a lot of men, so that hasn’t been an issue. (Laughs.) I’m certainly tuned to it, and were it something now, I’d address it. But I have so much admiration for anyone who stands up for their right either to be paid or to be hired, period. And look, they weren’t going to fire me on The X-Files. The stakes weren’t that high. I put my foot down, not because the stakes weren’t high, but if they were going to fire me, some people were going to have some things to say about that. It’s very different for a young woman going into a job situation with a boss who’s overbearing and asking for a pay raise.

Sure, you had leverage.

ANDERSON Yeah.

For the rest of you, when have you spoken up in your careers?

ERIVO I mean, the obvious is I’m a Black woman, and that has a lot to do with how you’re paid, how you’re hired, if you’re hired, the way you’re hired — it affects everything. I’m lucky enough to have a team behind me that is brave enough to ask the questions I’d like asked: What I’m being paid compared to the leading man in the show, or if I’m being paid a lot less, whether or not they are willing to come up so it becomes equal. And about little things in my contract that just make it easier to exist on a set. For me, it’s about having the guts to stick with it and to keep asking and keep fighting. And there are definitely times where you’re like, “I am so exhausted from asking the same thing.” Like, if we could please have this makeup artist with me because usually there are no Black makeup artists on a set and you’re the only one who needs one, and I’ve had to have that fight every single time I’ve gone onto a set: “I need to hire these two people because they are the only people that understand how to do my face or my hair.” It isn’t about vanity, it’s about making sure that whoever I’m playing is represented in the right way because they understand how to work with my skin tone and my hair. But you keep sticking with it because it’s not just me having my way, it’s me being able to employ two other people. And then maybe I’m asking, “Can we have a DP who understands lighting that works on my skin tone?” So it’s constantly being OK with asking the questions. And there is a bit of fear, like, “Am I going to be seen as difficult?” And yes, there are times where I’ve had someone say they’ve heard I was difficult, but usually, it’s because I’ve asked a question that will make for a better surrounding or a better show. And if I keep asking the questions and if other ladies like myself keep asking the questions, and we keep trying to better our spaces, it just becomes the norm — because at some point it has to just become the norm.

Elizabeth, I believe you had a saying in your house growing up, “No is a full sentence.” When do you find you use it?

OLSEN I use it a lot. (Laughs.) I use it when I’m on set. I mean, I want to be a part of every department when I’m on set. I want to understand the schedule. I want to understand everything. I produced a TV show [Sorry for Your Loss] that didn’t get too much light of day because it was on Facebook, which, whatever … but as a producer on it, it was really important for me to be a voice of everything you’re saying, Cynthia, and have heads of departments feel like and look like the freakin’ world. And just from having a taste of that for two seasons, I can’t [go back]. So when I go to do Dr. Strange 2 in England, I guess I use it when I just can’t shake it even though [the production is] so much bigger than me. I don’t know, my opinions are vast and everyone hears them, from the first AD to the EP. I think I’m like a representative of anyone having a hard time on set. … (Laughs.)

PAULSON You’re the Equity rep, I love it.

OLSEN Oh my God. (Laughter.)

When you think about your careers, is there someone else’s that you look at and go, “Ooh, yeah, I’d love that”?

OLSEN Gillian’s, Sarah’s …

ERIVO Yeah, Sarah, you’re that for me. You’re fucking incredible.

PAULSON You saying that to me makes me want to cry because sometimes you feel like you’re doing this in a bubble and you don’t even know if anything you’re doing ever has any meaning or impact to anyone.

ERIVO It does. From my heart, it does. And I hope I get to work with you one day.

PAULSON I’d give my eyeteeth. (Laughs.) For me, it’s Gillian — somebody being on a TV program for a long time that’s wildly successful and then retreats to another country to be onstage, to reconnect yourself to the very things that inspired you and made you want to be a part of this. It all gets very confusing in terms of how to navigate [this business]because you do want to make a living, but you also want to follow your heart. And there does come a time where you can become quite depleted from the constant output without any input. And if you’re a woman of a certain age, which I certainly am, I feel like I’ve got one foot on one window frame and I’ve got the other one over here and I’m just trying to insist that they stay open for as long as possible. And some of that is beyond my control, but when I look at Gillian’s career I just go, “Well, I want that.”

ANDERSON Thank you for saying that. On the one hand, I feel like there is some degree of design, but I’ve also never really gone after things. And when I finished with X-Files, I didn’t know if I wanted to be on a set again ever. So aside from having grown up in the U.K. and wanting to go back, I knew it would take time before I could, if I was going to. And in London, you could move between theater and TV, and that was always my dream. But every actor has the thing that they’d want more than the thing that they have, and I’m a cinephile, and so I [wonder], “Why do I keep doing TV? All I want to do is do film.” And I’m still doing TV. (Laughs.) But I’ve had such amazing opportunities that, coming from Scully, I even questioned people, like, “Why are you offering this to me? What makes you think that I can do this?” I’ll also say that as soon as you have kids, kids are the priority. So, I say to people, “I’m gonna be such a pain in the ass for you to hire. But if you think I’m this person, I’m gonna need to work during this period of time and then have time with my kids. And it’s going to be expensive for you. If you are willing to do that, then I’m your girl, and if you’re not, you need to find somebody else.”

Anya, Queen’s Gambit became a global juggernaut. How have your opportunities and choices changed? Is there pressure to strike while the iron is hot?

TAYLOR-JOY I think I’ve always followed character and only recently did I start following directors as well, but it’s always been about, “Do I feel like I’m the right person to tell this story? Do I think I can tell this story correctly?” And if you look at something like Queen’s Gambit, it was not supposed to be the white-hot show; it’s a show about a girl that plays chess for seven hours, but I felt so compelled to tell that story. So, it sounds cheesy, but I really just keep following my heart. OK, wait, I take that back. Something I’m also learning is that you give yourself to this person for three to six months, and I never used to think about this before, but now I start thinking, “Am I ready to give up my life for this person? Do I need to tell this story so badly that I’m going to do that?” I try not to think about what other people will think, because it’s your life at the end of the day. And as we all know, you’re that [character] every hour of the day, and when you go home it’s difficult to let go of them, so you have to really love them.

Mj, you’ve talked about how significant this show was for you and for the visibility of the trans community. How have the opportunities being presented to you post-Pose changed?

RODRIGUEZ In the middle of the third season, I started figuring out my worth, and it’s scary. I was nervous. I didn’t expect to actually book my next job after Pose.

ERIVO I did.

PAULSON We all did.

RODRIGUEZ And see, that’s my insecurity and that’s something I have to fix. I didn’t think it was possible. To get an opportunity like Pose and have myself centered in the story and to end it with hope, and then to get another opportunity with an iconic actress [an Apple TV+ comedy co-starring Maya Rudolph] was surreal. But if I’m still feeling the need for protection as far as my Blackness, my Latina-ness and my trans-ness go, that means there is more work to be done.

Are there doors still not open to the rest of you? Parts you’d love to play if only Hollywood would see you that way?

PAULSON No one has asked me to do a comedy, and I’m a little frustrated about that.

ERIVO And you’re funny as fuck.

PAULSON I spend a lot of time in these worlds where I’m either running or crying or screaming or playing a real person and trying to get their physicality, and I’d really like to do a nice road picture with me and a couple of chicks.

ANDERSON Ooh, I’ll go with you!

PAULSON How about all of us just in a road movie — like, get a Winnebago and let’s go?

ERIVO I’m down.

RODRIGUEZ Yeah, count me in.

ANDERSON I’m 53, Sarah, and I’ve really only been offered comedy in the last three years of my life, and I don’t think that’s because I’m any funnier than I used to be. I think a lot of it is that people just couldn’t fathom it, whether it was that Scully was still in their minds or it was someone else, because I’ve played a lot of dark characters, too. And so they just weren’t coming. And then came [Netflix comedy] Sex Education — and I passed when it first came to me because I didn’t think it was right. It was my partner who proverbially dug it out of the trash.

ERIVO I’ve yet to see a Call Me by Your Name for a Black woman, I have yet to see a piece that allows a woman of color to be sensual and soft and loving and be loved. I’ve just not seen it, and I desperately want to experience that, just because I want to be able to be in that space of vulnerability and lilt. I really want to do that. And that hasn’t come my way. A comedy hasn’t come my way either.

RODRIGUEZ Same. It’s been so hard when it comes to trans women being loved in a sensual way, and I’d love to do something like that.

Elizabeth and Anya, to Sarah’s point, Hollywood likes to keep actors in a lane. How have you avoided that kind of pigeonholing in your careers to date?

TAYLOR-JOY I’ve been saved from a lot of things in my life from pure innocence and naivete, genuinely. My first movie was called The Witch, I got a script immediately afterward that was about, you guessed it, a witch, and I figured, “Wow, why do they want to see me do this again?” So, I was immediately like, “Can I not do anymore witch movies, please?” And my agent was like, “OK. Sure, whatever you say.” I wonder how many people agree with me here because I certainly want to please, but in order to please, I don’t have to give up myself, and actually it’s more important to please myself than it is to please anybody else. I’m giving my heart, my body, my soul, everything to this character, I’m not going to do something because somebody wants me to do it. That doesn’t make any sense and, also, it makes me miserable and then I can’t do my best work. And so if I feel the opportunities that are being given to me aren’t the right ones, then I have to stick my neck out and go, “Hey, I think I could maybe do this, if you’ll give me the opportunity to try.”

How about you, Elizabeth?

OLSEN [In the beginning,] I was just trying so hard to not be put in a box that that’s what was guiding my choices. I knew that I didn’t want to be an actor who was thought of as “youthful and beautiful” and whatever that attachment people like to put onto young women, and so I did everything in my power not [to be seen as] that. But I didn’t have my own pillars of why I wanted to do things beyond just the character. That started to solidify only in the last five years. So I made a lot of odd decisions [after theater school at NYU] because I didn’t know enough about film and the machine of it. Right, Sarah? You were there for that time. We were in Martha Marcy May Marlene, and I remember someone asked me, “You had Sarah Paulson with you, didn’t you know it could be a film people saw?” And I was like …

PAULSON You were like, “Who the fuck is Sarah Paulson?” (Laughter.)

OLSEN No, but independent cinema to me was just, like, going to Quad Cinema in New York and seeing a movie. The theater world is all I understood. So I feel like a moron for going back to theater only once in 10 years. And this conversation with Gillian right now is inspiring.

In light of Elizabeth’s concern about the trap of being perceived as “youthful and beautiful,” how would you all complete this sentence: I wish our male counterparts also had to …

OLSEN Deal with lighting and hair and makeup before doing press. I don’t know what I’m doing.

ERIVO Deal with people believing that you’ve lost your sexuality after the age of 30.

TAYLOR-JOY Had an understanding of what it was like to walk into a room and sometimes have to enforce yourself for people to take you seriously. That ability to just walk into a room and go, “I am valid, I own my space and everybody respects me” — it would be good if they knew what it was like to not have that.

ERIVO And on the flip side, to not have to deal with walking into the room and trying to make sure people aren’t scared of you when you get there.

What do you all know now that you wish you could have told yourself at the beginning of your career?

PAULSON I would like to have told myself that I didn’t need to excise myself from the experience. I was very focused on looking at other actors who had careers that I admired when I was first starting out and wondering what it was about them that made it possible for them to be chosen or employed and I’d often try, in an audition or a social setting, to mimic what I imagined was the desired effect, taking me out of the scenario. And there’s this beautiful Martha Graham-to-Agnes de Mille letter that I used to keep in a dressing room any time I was doing a play, about how there is only one you in all of time and space and that what you see and how you experience things is unique to you. And if you block it, the world will not have it. And as a young person, I thought, “Mute me, mute my opinions, my thoughts, my assessments and try to fill it with other things,” and now I think it’s the exact opposite, so I wish I had known that earlier. But I’ll take knowing it now [over] never knowing it at all.

RODRIGUEZ I would have told my younger self that my existence is worth it. When I was younger, I tried to fit into this mold of what a woman should do — you know, keep your legs crossed, always bow down to a man. But we don’t have to live in that world anymore. It’s a new day.

It is, and that’s a good place to end. Thank you all for sharing your time and your stories.

ERIVO I know we’re supposed to finish, but do you know what’s occurred to me as I’ve listened to every one of you? I remember where I was when I watched every single one of you — and I remember what I was dealing with or going through. I was watching you, Sarah, when I was shooting Aretha. I was watching you, Elizabeth, when I was in London on my own, and you, Anya, when I was in Atlanta. Mj, I remember watching a season of Pose while I was shooting The Outsider. And Gillian, I watched you when I was in a hotel with my partner outside of London. And I remember what happened. And so your performances aren’t just brilliant, your performances get to be Post-its in all of our lives, and so I thank you for that.

PAULSON That’s a very beautiful way to put it …

ANDERSON It also brings us back full circle to what Anya said at the beginning, which is, “Oh my God, I have to keep reminding myself that people are going to watch this.” But actually, thank God that people are watching it, because we’ve touched each other’s lives and numerous other people’s lives just by focusing on the thing that we love most.

TAYLOR-JOY And the importance of these conversations is the honesty, because it’s very easy for us to get locked into our own heads of this as an individual experience — “There’s something wrong with me,” or “Everybody else is doing really great and nobody else grieves their characters,” or whatever your version of that is in whatever industry you’re in. But having honest conversations with people who are willing to be vulnerable just makes me feel so much less alone.

PAULSON The next time you feel that way, text me. I’ll remind you. I’d also like to say that there’s this [perception] of women being pitted against one another and not being there for one another, and this conversation is diametrically opposed, in that what we are actually saying is that each of us has been buoyed by and inspired by the work of everyone here. So, I may not watch anything I do, but I sure as hell am watching all of you.

Press: “It’s a New Day”: THR Drama Actress Roundtable was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

[janewatson]

Helluva Boss Trailer Analysis!

Yes, I watch this.  Yes, I like it.  No, I won’t argue with you about it.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s just say that I was up when the trailer dropped, and was still up for a bit after.  I’ve watched it so many times now, just absorbing everything, and now it’s time to break it down.

I’ve seen a few breakdowns already, but I noticed that there were a few things people hadn’t mentioned.  So I’m tossing my hat in the ring, let’s see if we can figure out what Vivziepop has in store for us!

I’ll be breaking down by scene, as well as go over voiceovers and predictions real quick, so prepare for a read after the cut!

Ok, first, had to laugh at Millie’s Peppermint Vodka Molotov Cocktail.  Creative, but what a waste of vodka :(  The background is of a beach, but she’s not in beach clothes (let’s face it, a bikini would probably kill Moxxie)

Moxxie is shooting at something while he’s swinging from a rope in a deserted theater.  Piano on the floor, and a sun pattern on the back wall

Blitzø (thanks for the copy/paste, Google) cleaving a blonde in half with a baseball bat.  Damn, he stronk!

Diss Summar’, with the little doodles!  So cute :3

Drunk/drugged/in shock Moxxie, poor Millie, and something big bursting out from the water behind.  Tied to first scene?

Stolas’ ‘Special Access’ bit from the Sneak Peeks, talking about the Harvest Moon festival in Wrath

Moxxie and Blitzø in a green lit room, looks like a two-way mirror on the wall.  Interrogation?

Correction to ‘Diss Season’ XD  Hopefully that means we’ll get an episode before spring, but if they need more time, that’s understandable

Glammed up Stolas at some kind of burlesque, owned by Asmodeus ‘Ozzie’, Prince of Hell’s Lust circle.  Wonder why he’s there...

CHERUBS!!!  Also from the Sneak Peeks, we know that this is a commercial, and that the TV showing said commercial gets blown up a few seconds later

Angry Blitzø, probably yelling at Moxxie, being scared shitless by a hellhound behind him.  I think this is a repo/impound/chop-shop guy who took IMP’s van, as in a later scene, they’re shown in a fence with other cars, especially because Blitzø yells ‘RUN’ at the end of the scene

Loona and Blitzø filming someone’s misery (again, probably Moxxie).  They’re in western outfits, but they’re probably still in Hell

Tentacle wrapping around drugged Moxxie and taking him, too fast for Millie to react and stop it.  Again, looks like it’s tied to the first and fifth scenes

Sassy Blitzø, probably talking to the repo-hellhound or punching-bag Moxxie.  Same setting as scene 11

Blitzø running to the window of what looks like a recording studio, with ‘VM’ spray painted on the doors next to him.  He looks distraught, but it’s not clear why

Recently choked-out Moxxie recovering, while being frame by a spiny-tailed Imp wearing what I assume is a serape, since it looks like they’re on the ranch Loona and Blitzø cheered a poor soul, scene 12

DEPRESSED BIRD DADDY.  WHY ARE YOU SAD???  IS IT GONNA MAKE ME SAD??? OH NO I’M NOT READY unless its a flashback, but stilllll

Perturbed Blitzø holding his special flintlock in a western-themed room.  Looks like he has his outfit from scene 12 on, probably the same episode, but whatever happened/is going to happen, it’s not good

Dressed-up Moxxie, who probably jumped bombed a performance, is upstaged by Robo Fizz and most likely a Robo Ozzie, given the designs on its’ head(s).  He looked uneasy even before the Robos popped up, so something else was going on first.

Scaley eye blinking and getting MAD, attached to the tentacle that kidnapped Moxxie?

50% off add for Spring Break victims, complete with coffee stain, and Blitzø‘s horse doodles.  I got a mental image of Moxxie scolding Blitzø for drawing at work, so he BS’d it into an ad.

Either Blitzø is a terrible driver, or they’re trying to speed away from someone.  Repo-hound, maybe?

HUMAN!!!  Almost definitely a human pop-star singing on a Coachella-esque stage!  I tried to fill in her name, but could only get ideas of what some letters were.  Her initials are most likely VM, from the recording studio scene, but the bottoms of some letters could be an E or L, K or R, so we’re left with V~(L/E)(K/R)OSI(K/R)A MA~~.  It also looks like she’s wearing heels, so she may be the person who threw Blitzø in a later scene

Moxxie about to be trampled by what can only be a horse, given his outfit.  Loona and Blitzø are probably filming XD

Shocked Stolas, standing up at table.  Same outfit as the burlesque, but he doesn’t looked surprised enough that it’s the part where Moxxie is upstaged, more something emotionally jarring.  Blitzø kissing someone else, maybe?

Blitzø pushing Moxxie out of the way and pinning him just outside a Hell portal in an alley, most likely Earth.  Blitzø looks mad, and rightly so, as he’s looking a little beat up himself.  Connected to the interrogation scene?

Happy Blitzø turns horrified outside some elevators with Moxxie.  Judging by the water cooler in the back, I think he’s about to slam into the recording studio.  Behind him, Moxxie gives no shits

Blitzø looking miffed, maybe at something Moxxie said.  Looks like the same scene with the repo-hound, as the setting itself looks like an impound lot, with the IMP van smack-dab in the middle of it.  I love that the license plate is IMP-666 though

Unhappy Blitzø (ok, let’s be honest, when IS he happy?)

Moxxie swinging Millie around in the deserted theater, passionately frenching each other

Blitzø getting pushed down by a horned, high-heeled... someone.  Again, might be the pop star from earlier, but there’s horns...  Maybe the pop star is human-passing, and has an alternate demonic form, like the Hazbin Hotel cast?

Western-clad Blitzø pulling his flintlock on someone, most likely before scene 18.  Most definitely Hell, judging by the poster and previous scenes, but I’m digging the décor

Blitzø not getting a break at all during this trailer and being yeeted into a dumpster, which closes on him.  Gonna take a stab and say it’s outside the burlesque Stolas and Moxxie were in, from the colors and posters of Lust Ring, Personal Companion Robo-Fizz, and Angel Dust.

The next scene is of him climbing out of a dumpster to fall into another pile of trash.  He just doesn’t get a break, does he?  It doesn’t look like the dumpster outside the burlesque, but it is similar to the alley with the hell portal, where Blitzø pinned Moxxie.  Maybe not the same scene, but most likely same episode.

Editor being absolutely plastered, teasing all the fun stuff to come in 2021, since 2020 can go f*ck itself.

And that’s a really in-depth breakdown of all the scenes in the trailer!  Now, for the voiceovers.

First, Loona’s asking if anyone ‘Can feel that?’.  Interesting thing to ask, so we’ll have to wait and see what catastrophe happens

Millie gently yelling at Moxxie to ‘DON’T PANIC’

A calm voice announcing an elevator’s departure to the Lust circle of Hell, which is most likely where the burlesque and Robo scenes are.  As to who is going, it’s either Stolas or the IMP crew, or maybe both?

Horny Stolas cooing ‘Oh, Blitzy!’, followed by Loona’s ‘SHUT THE F*CK UP’ from the Loo Loo Land episode.  Finally, I have a high-res clip I can set as my ringtone!

Blitzø yelling  ‘Dammit, Moxxie, this is all your fault!’, which may or may not be true since he scapegoats Moxxie, who replies ‘How is this my fault???’

Pop star asking, ‘Y’all ready to get f*cked up and make some b*tchin’ bad choices?’.  It’s most likely her talking, since the her lips synch up with her scene, and it’s a new voice we haven’t heard before.

Moxxie’s cut off ‘M*THERF*CKER!!!’.  So happy I get to hear Invader Zim go off, poor boy needs it XD

Blitzø being Blitzø and trying to tone down a big deal, stating again that he doesn’t pry into their personal lives, even though he obvious does (see Helluva Boss Pilot for more)

Robo Fizz’s line from Loo Loo Land asking if anybody loved Blitzø.  I’m gonna be honest and say that line choked me up in Loo Loo Land, and so did Blitzø’s response, until ‘But I’m really good with guns now.  DANCE, B*TCH!’

Moxxie ending with ‘That is deeply unsettling’, again from Loo Loo Land.  Throwing shade on Helluva Boss haters, maybe? :3

All right, now, predictions!

Chaos in a theater, with focus maybe on Millie and Moxxie’s relationship, maybe an origin story?  It won’t be the only one, with the tentacle beach monster and drugged Moxxie bits, so we can expect a lot of story and character development from the two of them.

Farm episode!  Blitzø either drags them onto a farm, or there’s a client who invites them, but sh*t will happen.

Really excited to see what happens in the Lust ring, and for the return of Robo Fizz!  Baby boy only got a few minutes of screen time, but is currently my favorite character.

Repo episode of rescuing the IMP van, probably resulting in overall team building and character development.  I really want to see Loona tear a new one into that *sshole-looking hellhound, though.

Pop star episode!  Really excited to meet this new character, I wonder what her name is and how close I was XD  Either Blitzø and Moxxie break into her recording studio to meet her, or she’s a client, but we’ll see!

Trapped on Earth/Run in with Earth authorities episode?  That interrogation room didn’t exactly look Hellish, and they obvious meet some kind of resistance while on Earth that looked like it was gonna get messy...

Stolas episode!  Please please please be flashback and story, I loved Loo Loo Land but really want some more lore and development on his character and maybe relationship with Blitzø.  Bird obviously needs to work through some things, and I really want to watch him grow, ever since I saw him struggle to tell Octavia why he was cheating.  Him stuttering and ultimately being unable to find a reason why really hit home, and I’m glad it was something they included since in media, it’s always ‘Well, she’s really ugly’ or ‘I don’t love him anymore’.  He still has feelings for his wife, but wanted to f*ck Blitzø too.

Even without the trailer, we do know that we’re getting episodes focusing on CHERUB and a Harvest Moon festival, but still.  There’s so much content Vivzie and Co have been working hard to make, and I can’t wait to see what they have in store for us.  Dark comedy aside, there’s so much story they can make just around these four characters, following their growth and happenings around Hell.  It’s such a cool premise and one that hasn’t been washed and worn so many times, like cop or murder shows, and I can see this going on for quite a bit.

Well, here’s to an exciting 2021!  Thank you for all your hard work, Vivizepop, keep it up!

[amphii-writes]

Random Haikyuu Head Canons I Have

these are all taken from my discord server cause i remember to write them there, if you want to request fanfics, my requests are W I D E open! there is also nO order! these are just all the headcanons i could find tbh

warnings: mentions of blood, and just overall wild times, swearing

Asahi loves knitting sweaters because his shoulders are broad and he also loves seeing the reactions from his teammates when they get a sweater from him! He says he buys them but he doesn’t

Aone likes knitting socks because he has big feet and he loves fluffy knee high socks but his team will never know

Asahi and Aone regularly hang out and knit together! (after asahi wasnt scared of him anyways)

Nishinoya gives you shiny rocks he finds because “your eyes shine like them!”

Yamaguchi likes to have your head rest on his chest while cuddling!

Aone likes to bake

Aone dressed like a polar bear because koganegawa told him to- halloween was amazing

daICHI HAS A KISS THE COOK APRON

Daichi secretly can make some kick ass steak and is amazing at grilling sorry

Okay but real talk, Kenma and Yaku swear like sailors and it scares everyone because they always whisper the most foul, insulting things under their breath. Hearing it is like seeing a cryptid

Speaking of cryptids, Fukunaga and Shibayama are THE most true crime, mythology, and mystery obsessed fanatics on the team and often fanboy about it together 

Fukunaga’s obsession with moth man has gotten to an unhealthy stage

Kenma absolutely had a vampire phase and has read twilight. Only Kuroo knows and has sworn to secrecy via blood pact

Kuroo’s a musical nerd. Knows all of the lyrics to Hamilton, BMC, DEH, Heathers, Rent, Beetlejuice, Etc. Kenma considered dropping him because of it

Iwaizumi tells the worst dad jokes and Kyotani, wanting to beat him, started doing it too and it drives everyone insane

Yahaba and Matsukawa get along surprisingly well. Both are true crime freaks and bond over their forensic files obsessions

Matsukawa didn’t really like his thick eyebrows so he got one of his female friends to pluck it for him, but almost cried and gave up after the first hair. Oikawa called him a pussy for the next year

Hanamaki jokingly flirts with everyone on the team so most of them just got used to it, but it still confuses Kindaichi to the point of mental breakdown

Makki called Kyotani ‘puppy’ as a joke once and now mad dog is truly terrified of him

Kyotani’s dog absolutely ADORES Oikawa and it’s the funniest shit to the rest of the team

Mattsun and Makki play DnD and once convinced Yahaba and Kyotani to join. Kyotani kept rolling to fight everyone and Yahaba was a bard that kept rolling to seduce everyone. They kept yelling across the board so they had to kick them out

Outside of his school uniform, Goshiki specifically wears only plaid

Tendou makes little chocolates for the whole team every once in a while so they don’t think he’s scary

Semi and Shirabu once had a fistfight in an abandoned McDonald’s parking lot while Tendou filmed and Goshiki cheered them on

Everybody makes fun of Shirabu’s haircut but nobody dares to say it to his face. its gotten to the point where they say he got it done by a blind old lady

There’s a running joke about Shirabu also getting his haircut from prison but Goshiki is starting to suspect that it may not be a joke

Yamagata and Tendou are good friends with the mutual goal of collecting as much blackmail on their team as possible

Tendou loves animals generally considered to be ‘ugly’ like rats, crows, reptiles, etc.

80% of Goshiki’s playlist is shit overplayed on the radio. Him, Shirabu, Tendou, Kawanishi and Ushijima have a permanent ban from the aux cord

Nobody watches YouTube with Ushijima because he never skips the damn ads (other than tendou)

Suna once said y’all’dn’t’ve unironically and made a first year cry

Akagi once said UwU unironically and had an identity crisis.

Osamu has one of those rainbow gaming keyboards and is constantly on a discord call. Atsumu always yells weird shit in the background to embarrass him and once pretended to be him

During Seijoh group chat arguments. Hanamaki and Mattsukawa like to drop facebook minion memes in just to piss everyone off even more

mattsun and maki both have separate photo albums in their phones labelled ‘minion memes to piss everyone off’

Hinata carries a pocket knife and no one has no fucking idea why

mattsun and maki both have matching rat fursuits that look like they actually where in a sewer- they chased oikawa around

For all his talk of plant analogies and metaphors, Ushijima cant grow shit

Goshiki’s Bangs are the way they are because his favorite character was Rock Lee from Naruto

Oikawa has watched Ouran High School Host Club front to back so many times and he can quote all of Tamaki’s lines by heart -He keeps bothering Iwaizumi to “be his Haruhi, since you’re shorter than me”

Koganegawa has definitely gone as an Angry Bird for Halloween

Fukunaga has those reflective cat eyes, and he has terrified Yamamoto on several occasion

Hanamaki and Matsukawa have a teddy bear that they pretend is their child and they share custody

Suga always sprays whipped cream straight into his mouth whenever he sees a can

Nishinoya definitely bit people as a kid

Nishinoya would be the guy to wear shorts all year round and even if it's snowing, he'll insist he's not cold

Tendou is still stuck in his emo phase and would fangirl over Creepypasta with me and I appreciate that (me too buddy, me fuckin too)

Kyoutani LOOKS like he’d listen to viking death metal, but in reality he listens to Mother Mother and knows all the words to Ghosting

Sugawara would definitely encourage me to dumb shit and not stop me, and you’re all dumb for thinking he wouldn’t 

KENMA IS NOT ‘uwu owo’ SHY, HE IS ‘your fucking gross’ SHY SO LITERALLY STFU

Bokuto listens to Nicki Manaj. And knows all the words. To every. Single. Song.

Ushijima for some reason knows an odd amount of 90′s-2000′s R&B and he will hum along to the songs if they come on the radio (he also loves Dolly Parton) ((he says he relates to her music))

Bokuto once ate instant ramen for an entire month

TERUSHIMA DID TRY TO FUCK A PLANT WHILE SHITFACED AND GOD I STAND BY WHAT I SAID

atsumu let’s you put makeup on him and pretends to eat the brushes (do yk what im talking about- like n o m)

tendou ran for school president as a joke but actually won

i 100% believe that all of karasuno’s third years apologize when they bump into inanimate objects, but when suga is really tired or stressed out, he’ll yell at them instead.

Tanaka, Nishinoya, and Taketora have a group chat called "Bros who want sum hoes" and they send each other hypebeast memes and shit

Sugawara knows how to do a bunch of flexible shit because he sometimes goes to yoga with daichi and asahi's moms, its fucking hilarious

tanaka and noya both breakdance- they work as a team and sometimes go to tokyo for underground competitions- saeko drives them

Daichi knows a little ballet- nobody other than Kiyoko knows because they saw each other at the ballet class and had to work together- dont tell tanaka and noya that he lifted her though

Osamu once put glitter on Atsumu's pillow- he still finds hot pink glitter on shit

kita knits and crochets with his grandma

Kita's grandma knows everyone's names because kita talks shit bout them, her favorite is Aran

Kuroo has burnt his eyebrows off doing an experiment. His goggles didn't cover all his brows,,, so he just showed up to practice like that. No eyebrows and a chemical burn

kenma has played all kinds of games, but he was dared to play corpse party by kuroo. He wasn't scared because of the gore, he was thinking about the trauma the characters went through. Punched kuroo the next day because that game was fucked up

Lev isn't a strong swimmer, so he often grabs people by the head to keep himself up. happened with kenma and lev couldn't walk due to the force of kenmas suprised water kicks

akaashi has those fancy pens that you have to dip in ink and they're so nice

Bokuto has and will eat pencil erasers again

Daichi once almost lost his shit at his team but instead he lost his shit at the door that decided to stub his toe on the way out of the gym. not the best thing to be found yelling to.

Yamaguchi for sure has been dragged to one of terushimas parties because he didnt wanna say no. oh and terushima has like frat boy level parties too. Yams has for sure had some wild nights and doubts anyone other than Tsukishima and the party-goers will ever know

Akaashi can actually flirt very well! He reads romance novels sometimes and has analyzed any and every book in his possession! so he's actually quite charming

Daihsou unironically posted on twitter after mika broke up with him "I still see her shadows in my room"

Mattsun and Maki run a fake oikawa account; its been going ever since twitter even started getting popular and they even started sending messages in spanish. The posts would range from "I love all my fans!" to flirting with them :) Oikawa is pissed cause the account got verified before he did and most of his fans also follow the fake oikawa. Tooru has no idea who runs it JUST IMAGINE OIKAWA JUST LIKE RANTING TO THE SEIJOH 3RD YEAR ALUMNI AND JUST "no Iwa-chan, you dont understand! they run a fake account and pretend to be me!" while makki and mattsun laugh their asses off

Oh, kenma for sure has pretended to be a girl on discord and has gotten someone to buy him stuff. after they do he says in his normal voice "fucking simp" and then hangs up and blocks the other persons discord

Yamamoto, despite his rough appearance, loves kids and has and will be a human jungle gym

suna in middle school had a game with his friends about who could make kids cry the fastest

The twins switched places back in middle school and nobody could tell because of how great they are at acting like eachother

Daichi once arrested coach ukai for public intoxication after a game :|

Daichi has arrested many people from his old volleyball team but the most memorable case was when he arrested tanaka and noya for reckless driving. poor idiots got so scared when they saw their old captains face in their mirror and started to pray

tanaka, while trying to intimidate someone, once said "You dont gotta tell me twice, i may be straight but these hands are bisexual" and he often cringes at night thinking about it

Kageyama, as a comeback to Tsukishima, said "one thing about us royalty is that we love to feast" and he also fuckin hates what he said

the third years made a cult for Kiyoko. they chant every wednesday "i'll do anything for kiyoko, she makes me go loco"

oikawas fangirls are known to be fucking rabid

yAMAMOTO AND KENMA AFTER THEIR FIGHT WERE FORCED BY KUROO TO MAKE IT UP: so they dyed their hair together

Makki and mattsun sang two trucks in front of the entire team. everyone was so confused. Makki: "twO TRUCKS HAVIN SEX!!" Mattsun: "oH yEs!"THEY'D SWITCH OFF AND HAVE LIKE CHOREOGRAPHY TOO LIKE THEY'D DO A TANGO WHILE THE SONG IS LIKE "two beer trucks, making love"

tendou once called Oikawa "mr. no-nationals" and got kicked in the shins before iwaizumi could save him

Tsukishima had a my little pony phase

you work with matsukawa at a morgue and he makes dead people jokes while you fix some dead guys face with wax and makeup he'd be like "so didnt he like,,, stick his head out of the sunroof of a moving fuckin car??" he'd be singing dumb ways to die the entire day

i feel like Kuroo has one crazy accident a year. like it might not be deadly but its fucking crazy like for example: Kuroo for sure has ridden in a shopping cart at past midnight with kenma (who pushed him down a hill) causing Kuroo to get scratched up hella well. he lied and said he spent the night with a girl and kenma fucking hated himself cause he would be the girl if that was true

Mattsun has flirted with the 4th years moms before (AS A JOKE), and because of this: he is known as “fuckin milf hunter” sometimes by the team

Warning, this next headcanon is talking about cannabis, weed, mary jane, the zoink root. so if your uncomfortable, please dont read below :)

dude i wanna get high as SHIT with Asahi 

i think Asahi would be one of those mfkers who takes one hit and is gone 

ASAHI ACCIDENTALLY GOING TO PRACTICE ZOINKED 

IMAGINE HIM SEEING TSUKISHIMA AND JUST "he looks so judgemental,,, im scared" 

OR LIKE A MAD DAICHI AND JUST "i'm gonna,,, im gonna go jump out the window now" 

Noya and Tanaka would know tho, i feel like they'd have a 6th sense when it comes to weed. they probably get some from Saeko cause she'd rather they do it in the house. they'd smell asahi like fucking dogs and just so,,, big guy had fun without us huh? 

DAICHI WOULD KNOW ABOUT ASAHI BEING ZOINKED, SMASH HIS FACE INTO THE WALL, TURN AROUND WITH A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD AND WITH A BEAMING SMILE AND FEUX ENTHUSIASM SAY: "YOSH, LETS WARM UP!"

[straighttohellbuddy]

World building is the best tbh. I’m forever world building and now I have several worlds to play in and my neurodivergent brain cannot stay still enough to focus on one lmao. SLOWBURN ROMANCES ARE MY LITERAL JAM LIKE PLS!!! I LOVE THEM!! Also!!!! Concepts!!!! Pls share!!!! I love learning about the worlds of my fave fics and I can hands down say right now that this fic will literally shoot to the top of my list of favourites which means you’ll occupy the top three spots. Sorry to hear that ur feeling rough, so am sending u the biggest hug. I’m not okay but I’m taking care of myself today so that I will be 🧡-🐈‍⬛

alsjfsldkjf i have too many worlds TBH, literally one of the best parts of my 2020 was writing for the classic rock fandom and writing one of my good friend’s ocs alongside mine, like there’s so many different worlds that our two characters have now, i’m like 26k deep into a high school au that i need to get back to at some point, and then i wrote a oneshot abt the high school au but they’re adults, and then there’s also the original timeline, and then there’s the present day in the original timeline where they have kids and i probably care too much about people who aren’t real...... hahaha

OKAY OKAY OKAY HERE WE GO I’LL GIVE KIND OF AN OVERVIEW OF THE ALBUMS AND A FEW SONGS BUT IF U WANT ME TO GO IN DEPTH ON ANY OTHER SONG JUST ASK!!!

yes i have a playlist for each, if you wanna hear how i interpret the vibes of the songs. if you interpret them differently, thats awesome!! i’d love to hear y’all’s opinions on them!!

testing one two - the first ep they release, the song titles are mostly themed (fast forward, press play, pause, rewind), but are mostly things y/n has been working on for a while but never got around to finishing, things they are rather proud of. i see you shiver with... is the first song they wrote specifically for the album, and it’s the last song on the EP because it’s a Rocky Horror reference; i see you shiver with...

a n t i c i p a t i o n - first full album!! the vibe is Hopeful But Hesitant it has all the songs from the ep, plus some new ones!! collabs with youtube musicians troye and dodie, and y/n’s label sets up a collab that turns into a genuine friendship. the breakout dance hit is what else is there to say ft. Troye Sivan, which is about not knowing what to make content about when it feels like you’ve already told the world everything. it featured the prechorus and hook

You, know, ev-ery-thing about me / gave it all for free / my life in HD / So, let’s dance, let me see your hips sway / we’re gonna be okay / what else is there to say?

So say that you love me, say that you love me, say that you love me / let’s die hand in hand. / I’ll tell you I love you, tell you I love you, tell you I love you / supply and demand. 

personally, i also conceptually enjoy srs bsns which is a really upbeat song about how they don’t care if people don’t take them seriously because they know in their heart that what they’re doing is good

hyperfocus - 2nd EP, a pretty substantial departure from their usual style, but also happens to quietly be Corpse’s favourite, and is actually y/n’s most polarising, because it has both the Grammy award winning HEARTBURN and the o brother where art thou which was written partially as a joke to capture a fond moment of them and 5SOS dicking around together in a hotel. written while on tour wit 5SOS, im writing the reader as having ADHD (because I have ADHD and i can do what i want), and the backstory is that they’d changed the medication/dosage they were taking, and as it’s their first full tour, they were under a lot of stress and were in a weird place mentally and emotionally, and hyperfocus is the result of that. i’m going through some stuff has HUGE agoraphobic vibes. 

HEARTBURN has the same vibes as Florence + The Machines’ Howl. It’s about being a demon without saying that or directly implying that unless you know demons real well. This is when the pressure for them to confirm their identity got real bad, and it was their way of working through those emotions.

tear in existence in the shape of a person / when i’m seeing clearly i can’t see myself / world can’t swallow what it can’t get it’s teeth into / got everything i wanted but i ain’t got my health

Got heart-burn--- / I’ll tear me apart / I’ll tear you apart / I’ll tear me apart. 

SCREAM gets rereleased as a remixed single featuring Fall Out Boy the following year. It won the MTV music award for best collaboration in 2018. 

In the time between hyperfocus and working on it, Y/N releases several singles, including a cover of Tell Him by The Exciters to be featured in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. They also take time to sort out their health, do a little bit more YT stuff, and travel internationally to do festivals. 

working on it - is kind of a middle ground between their original stuff, and hyperfocus, like pop-punk meets horror-pop meets whatever you’d classify halsey as. the first three songs were mostly written before the fic starts, so before they’re getting back to YT, but the last three, nightmare scenario, designed to hurt (touch me), and not scared were all written after they’d started hanging out with sykkuno and corpse. 

in-universe, imposter syndrome was originally something else, along the same lines of tired that they’re hiding that they’re a demon, but after meeting corpse nd sykkuno and having people who know, and lowkey being influenced by corpse’s music, the song changes directions, and YO OKAY YO::

I literally am so fucking flattered, my darling friend @bingusmode​ wrote lyrics for imposter syndrome and I’ve been yELLING about them ever since i’ve read them!! (also bunnie is fantastic and lovely in general 10/10)

if you thought you saw me 

i’d think about it twice

cuz while i know i’m naughty

everybody thinks i’m nice

cutest giggles get me

places that i long to be

but it’s not long before

everybody hates me

when you figure out i’m fucked up

you’ll probably think that can’t be right

but babe my image runs to save me

cuz i’m ugly day and night

nothing good about me

not the angel that i seem

cuz i’m a piece of shit

and i’ll ruin your fuckin dreams

i’m an impostor babe

you better run for your life

cuz there’s a bloodlust runnin through me

and you’re dripping off my knife

there’s no one here to save you

cuz you ate up all my lies

so beg me while you can

and draft up all your goodbyes 

if any of y’all are inspired by anything i put out, feel free to take it and run!! you have my blessing!! i am so overwhelmingly flattered by people who like my stuff enough to create because of it, directly or indirectly! lyrics, art, songs, anything!! legit! I love you!!

okay so designed to hurt (touch me) has big House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco vibes, and YES it’s about Corpse. YES it sends mixed messages. YES it has greek myth imagery and YES that imagery is confusing. not sure if any of these sets of lyrics actually go after each other but also idk??

will my fall from grace be graceful / as each move i see you make? / propped up on pedestals side by side / beneath our feet they shake / i’m the only one to hear you ask  / “What have they done to me?” / My boy, your wax throne is sun-drenched / you’ll fall in the name of your legacy.

eyes like yours watched rome burn / while hands like mine lit the pyre / we both heard me say we’d go down in flames / now you’re turning me into a liar / since you smile like that, like you can’t feel the sting / and we both know i can’t feel the fire

been telling myself i’m designed to hurt / but, baby, aren’t we a sight? /

check your reflection, your angles, apollo / you’re icarus in the right light /

we’re on the edge, i’m not scared to fall / we’ll take refuge in the night /

been telling yourself you’re designed to hurt / but, baby, doesn’t this feel right?

also, albumtouralbumtour is a reference to Bohemian Rhapsody.

OKAY AND FINALLY

n o s t a l g i a - the album the reader’s working on during the fic.

literally as i was writing this, bunnie sent through some FIRE lyrics for how the light gets in, (@bingusmode) i am going to be thinking about these on REPEAT for the next MONTH BRUV

little bit of darkness, treat me like a toy 

i got my hopes up and got them destroyed

bitter taste of regret sitting heavy on my tongue

can’t believe i let you convince me that you were the one

sitting here in silence, fabric running thin

petals burning in my lungs and stealing oxygen

embers from a cigarette falling to the floor

god i can’t take anymore

so i stumble to the window and pull the shades

and the moon pours in like you threw a grenade

i can’t understand why

i keep trying

cuz i never seem to win

but having any hope is how the light gets in 

from there, moment before impact ft. Billie Eilish is a club anthem along the lines of bad guy or COPYCAT, bass heavy with a drop that’s out of this world.

powdered pain, i’m in your veins / i’m the sting, the drip, the thing / you’re craving, but you hate to see me misbehaving / i heard my breakdown got you high / it’s true, but baby i can’t lie / i never got that rush, that burn / that makes you feel alive, i had to learn / to pick the slippery slope down which i fell / plan my pitstops on the way to hell / to pick my padding before i spiral / so if i break it’ll be in style

watch my misdirect, now freeze, / notice you can’t see the forest for the trees / you’re so desperate for my demise / but baby, i’ll make you watch me rise.

this is the moment before impact

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i know you hope i’m not okay / you get off on my audio misery

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i need you to know i want it this way / my breakdown won me a grammy

and this is the moment before impact

ur my favourite - interlude ft. sykkuno is probably one of my favourites, it’s just really soft, just a snippet of a conversation between the reader and sykkuno, maybe one of them told a joke and they both just sound real happy and sweet. its nice. it’s a nice moment.

means something is also for sykkuno!! it’s about how good-strange it is to be open and honest with friends, and how they usually aren’t but they’re glad they can be open and honest with him!!

meanwhile, i don’t think about u - interlude ft. CORPSE is a phonecall between corpse & the reader right after they announce they’re going to feature on acting like that, where corpse asks if they do this sort of thing to spite him, to which the reader responds ‘do i consider you when i’m making decisions about my career? no, corpse, actually i don’t think about you at all’ which then directly contrasts the song that ends the album, which is (how it feels to be) beautiful fireworks, which is essentially ‘i know how hard it is to exist like this, to be the centre of attention, to give off light and bring people joy, even when you’re in pain. i’m here for you. i love you.’

okay, i swear im done now, i’ll get back to writing the fic! (also i cannot BELIVE i managed to figure out how to embed those playlists but im so happy) edit: it didn’t actually work when i posted the ask, so anyways im sorry but y’all are abt to be spammed with playlists because i care too much abt this fic

[bangtanloverboys]

i’ve had no love like your love // knj

summary - Namjoon loves you for you; and he will help you no matter what

pairing - best friend!namjoon x transmale!reader

genre - fluff, angst; friends to lovers au

word count - 5.3k

warnings - gender dysphoria, unaccepting parents, homophobia, transphobia, use of the words dyke and faggot, transitioning, references to sex, referenced surgery, minor description of post op chest

author’s note - this is based off of personal knowledge of transitioning, what happens in this story may differ from someone else’s experience

You don’t know what you’d do without Kim Namjoon. He’s been your rock all throughout high school and is still there for you through college. You were the new kid at school and being the new kid came with all the attention of all the other students; being the shiny new toy for them, dropping in the middle of your sophmore year. After the first few weeks of school, the excitement of being the new kid died down, Namjoon was the only one that didn’t drop you and continued to be there for you.

Namjoon was there for you when you went through your first date, your first kiss, and your first time. That last one hitting you a bit differently than you might think. Hoseok was a nice guy and you really did enjoy going out with him, but soon as you started going further you couldn’t help but feel wrong. The while the way he touched you and the things he said did feel good in the moment, afterwards you felt. . .gross. After that night out, you immediately went to Namjoon’s house and cried into his arms for hours. At first, Namjoon wanted to kill Hoseok for causing you to cry but when you explained to him it was just the fact you felt personally gross afterwards and it was less him and more you he calmed down. You ended up just chalking it up to the stigma of guilting women who are free in their sexuality.

After Hoseok though, no one really seemed interested in dating you. Your family said it was because you started dressing like a man. Which wasn’t entirely wrong; the way you seemed to present didn’t stop guys completely avoiding you, but it wasn’t as many as before. You stopped dressing in feminine clothing and opted for more masculine things. Namjoon’s parents joked often that your new style mimicked a lot of what Namjoon wore: which consisted a lot of large sweaters (ironically enough were his, more often than not) and baggy pants.

 While Namjoon’s parents were okay with your style change, your own parents seemed to be concerned. They made comments about you hiding your quote-un-quote beautiful body behind ugly clothes. Despite the comments being said out of love, you couldn’t help but feel more hurt by the words. You didn’t like the way your body was shaping and the way the clothes you originally had framed your figure. You felt immensely more comfortable looking like a baggy box. 

Everything seemed to be doing okay until ‘Senior Ditch Day’. Namjoon and you along with everyone else in your class decided to hit the beach. All of your fellow classmates played in the water and goofed off, while you and Namjoon were at the shoreline digging around for crabs. You were minding your own business when all of a sudden a glob of wet sand hit you in the head, knocking you over. 

Namjoon called out to you and helped you back on to your feet. You watched his face as he glared behind you, you turned around just in time for another clump of wet sand to hit you directly in your chest. Looking up you saw it was about 3 other guys, all of whom were in your class.

Confused, you looked to Namjoon whose jaw was clenched, like he knew something you didn’t. It wasn’t until you heard the three guys yell “FAGGOT!” at you, while throwing more wet sand in your direction. 

You froze in place. Namjoon on the other hand, quickly took your hand and guided you over to the lifeguard to report them. 

Not once has anyone ever said anything like that to you, or at least you thought. While the lifeguard was talking to your classmates, Namjoon helped you get the sand from your hair and off of you (Thankfully the hit to the chest was easy to get off due to your decision to wear a shirt). As he helped, he confessed that there were rumors going around of you being gay. Apparently you dressing in baggy and masculine clothing and not showing off your body meant you weren’t interested in the opposite sex; and what set them off today was you wearing a swim trunks and a shirt instead of a bikini was the last straw and lead those boys to throw sand at you and call you slurs. 

The accusation of you being gay confused you though, you’ve never once thought of or tried to be romantic with a girl. Only guys. But to put it even more specifically Namjoon.

You slowly realized to yourself that you had feelings for Namjoon. Like an idiot, you kept your feelings to yourself and pretended you weren’t affected when girls would openly flirt with him right in front of you. Thankfully, Namjoon was clueless and didn’t always understand when those girls would suddenly walk away a bit frustrated. 

The following school day Namjoon pressured you to report them to the office because despite you not even being gay, it still put you at risk and was an attempted hate crime. But it was nearly the end of the year and you didn’t want any more drama than what was needed. So Namjoon shut his mouth but whenever the two of you passed by those guys again, you could feel the hatred radiate from his body as he glared at them.

The day of your graduation, you were verging on a panic attack. Your parents wanted you to wear something feminine under your gown so they surprised you with a floral patterned dress that admittedly was pretty, but soon as you put it on you wanted to scream and cry. You had to ditch your normal sports bra for a pushup, the underwire digging into your skin and the presence of your chest just made you want to scream and cry. The dress hugged your torso, showing off every curve of your body and you just wanted to throw up. Makeup was caked on your face and your hair felt heavy on your head.

This. This was the reason why you hated dressing feminine. You hated your body. It wasn’t the fact that you thought you looked ugly, you just hated looking- hated feeling feminine. More often than not, you’d just look at Namjoon along with any other guy and just have this craving of wanting to look like that. Broad shoulders, masculine features. It wasn’t purely fashion, it was looking like them.

A knock was on your door, with tears in your eyes you said “Come in” and the look on Namjoon’s face will haunt you for the rest of your life. He saw the look in your eyes, how uncomfortable you felt looking all dolled up. Immediately he pulled you into a hug and you just cried into his arms, completely disregarding the fact you’re probably ruining his nice shirt. 

“What’s going on?” He asked, rubbing soothing circles onto your back.

“J-just, I hate looking like this! I feel wrong!” You clung onto his shirt tighter as you sobbed. “I’m not happy!”

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” He pulled away from you, one of his large palms went to your face to wipe away your tears. “Do you want me to sneak you a change of clothes?”

You nodded and just like that, Namjoon was raiding your closet for your nice button up and trousers. He neatly folded them and put them in a spare backpack, alongside your pair of dark sneakers to replace the baby heels you were wearing.. You watched as he put the bag over his shoulder and took your hand and led you to the bathroom. He wiped away the remaining makeup off your face. Deeming you done, he took you downstairs where your parents were a bit upset that you took off the makeup before photos but they were happy nonetheless of you wearing the dress. When Namjoon was questioned about the backpack, he just said it was some stuff that he wanted to give to his teachers before the ceremony.

Soon as you arrived at the school to get ready for the ceremony, Namjoon tugged you in the direction of the bathrooms and gave you the backpack. You gave him a weak smile and slid into the bathroom and into a stall. You hung up the gown on the stall door before you peeled the dress off your body, quickly stuffing it into the backpack and pulled out the pants. You instantly sighed, feeling relieved to no longer be feeling trapped. With your belt fastened, you reached in and grabbed the sports bra. Squeezing your eyes shut, you took off the pushup bra and let it fall to the ground. Without making any fast movements, you pulled down the sports bra. You quickly grabbed the white dress shirt and buttoned it fast as you could. 

All traces of the dress that you wore were now in the backpack, save for the heels. Leaning against the wall, you removed the shoes and slid on the sneakers. You opened the stall door and took a good look at yourself in the mirror. This was you. Minus the hair though, you wanted your hair cut short for a while now but that was something your parents would never agree to while you lived in their house. Which made going away to college all the more reason to look forward to. You quickly undid the fancy braids your mother spent an hour on doing and tied it back into a ponytail.

The graduation ceremony went on as planned until the very end when your mom and dad say you were no longer wearing the dress they gave you. When you got home, you certainly got an earful from your mother about how upset they were at looking forward for their daughter to be dressed so nice. But each word just hits you with a ton of bricks, hurting you more and more. When they were done, you stood up and ran out the door to the Kim family household. 

There Namjoon just held you for a few hours while you cried. Soon enough the tears stopped flowing, and it was just the two of you in his room while his computer played ambient music. It was there that in your post breakdown state that you stare at Namjoon. Watching him as he watches you. Like a man with nothing left to lose, you press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. 

He freezes. 

You immediately want to curl up and die. You shouldn’t have done that. 

“Why did you do that?”

“It was nothing. . .ignore that. . .sorry.” You quickly shut your mouth and hide your face in his chest.

“Look at me.” You followed his instruction and the look in his eyes was pleading. “Please don’t mess with my feelings. I don’t know if I can take another heartbreak.”

“Feelings?” You asked him.

“Yes, feelings. . . I know this probably isn’t the right time but I like you. I have for a while now. I just never said anything because you never seemed interested in me.” In the dim lighting of his room, you can tell his cheeks are red and you slap him on the chest. “Ow! What was that for?!”

“You idiot, I like you too!” You watched as the look on his face transformed from confusion to one of love, pure and absolute love. 

He leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to your lips. “Then, you wouldn’t mind going on a date then?”

“I’d love that!”

So the two of you date, thank goodness the both of you got into the same university so when school started it made the transition easier. 

One of the first things you told Namjoon you wanted to do as soon as you moved out and into the dorms, was cut your hair short. With your loyal boyfriend in tow, you made your way to a hair salon where you showed her a picture of a short hair style you like and while the stylist is hesitant to cut off your “long beautiful hair”, she eventually got around her hesitation with a large tip from Namjoon’s pocket. 

With your new look, you felt happier than ever. But didn’t mean you didn’t elicit some stares from other people as you held hands and shared small kisses; because before certain people would stare at you for dressing like a guy. But now admittedly, you look like a guy and you’re sharing public displays of affection with another guy. But it was whatever, you and Namjoon loved each other and that’s what mattered.

However when you came back for winter break, you were met with scrutiny by your family. They said you were a disappointment and that “No daughter of theirs will be a dyke.” The insult had your head reeling. At home, you were seen as a lesbian even though you were in fact dating a man. But at college, you were seen as a gay man, but you weren’t. . . were you? 

You were glad that you decided to stay with Namjoon and his family over the break because you knew you wouldn't have lasted at your parents’ home, especially after the greeting they gave you.

You sat on the bed as you watched Namjoon sit at his computer and type away, working on an assignment for the winter semester no doubt. You watched him and the more you watched him, the more features you realized you wanted to have. His jawline, his large hands, his height. Everything you wanted, he had. You loved him for each and every one of those things, yet you couldn’t help but also want those parts on your body. 

You remember looking up what was wrong with you a few times in high school and each time you searched it you got the same answer: transgender. But you denied it, you pushed yourself away from that answer. That couldn’t be it. It couldn’t. You were just having some insecurity issues, that’s all. But as the more time passed, the more you realized. Maybe you weren’t a girl. Maybe you were-

“I’m a guy.” You blurted out.

Namjoon stopped typing and turned to look at you. “What did you say, baby?”

“I-I’m a guy.” You felt tears prick at your eyes again. “Everyone keeps calling me a girl and I’m not.” Your voice starts to waver as you pull your legs in close and hug them. 

Namjoon just sits there and stares at you, taking in the information. He had his suspicions but with you actually saying it, really made it real. With the initial shock gone, he’s by your side in a moment. His arms wrap around you and pull you onto his lap. “Shh, it’s okay.” he tells you as he traces mindless patterns along your arms.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Just, I can’t take it any longer! I tried to deny it but it just hurt me even more! I’m sorry!” You cried loudly into his shoulder, once the tears started they couldn’t stop. 

“Shh, you have nothing to be sorry about.” Namjoon pressed a kiss to your forehead. “It’s alright baby, I’m here for you.”

You cried, and cried, until you eventually passed out from exhaustion from crying so much. You woke up with eyes crusted shut and an empty bed. Rubbing away the sleep from your eyes, you saw that Namjoon was back on his computer, busy at work. 

“Are you finishing your homework?” You ask, voice groggy from the combination of the sobbing and sleep.

“Hmm? Oh, no. This is research.” He answered.

“Research for. . . ?”

“Research for you,” he turned in his chair to face you. “I’m gonna help you find resources for you to use when we get back to the university.”

You blink at him. While you knew in your heart your Joonie would accept you, you never knew it would be to this degree. But on top of that, the news that your girlfriend is actually your boyfriend usually is pretty startling.

“So. . .” You start.

“So. . . ?” Namjoon echoed, confused by your state.

“You’re not going to break up with me?” The question has Namjoon’s eyebrows shooting into his hairline. 

“Why would I break up with you?!” He’s absolutely shocked that you’d even say such a thing.

“I don’t know. . . you’ve never shown an interest in guys so the fact your girlfriend is actually-”

“Baby, don’t. I love you for you. Your body doesn’t matter to me, you do.” He reaches out and cups your cheek. “I will be the best boyfriend for you. No matter what.”

And thus your transition began. The entire rest of winter break, the two of you did research on healthcare, legal processes, and looked up quite a fair share of stories that other transgender folk shared online that really helped solidify a plan. 

Firstly, Namjoon ordered you a binder. In his words they were the safest ways of binding your chest to look flat. Which was something you desperately wanted, despite the fact you wore sports bras all day everyday, they still showed bits of support that you did not want or need. 

Then he helped you find a transgender group to join and talk to, as well as a therapist that’ll help with your trasnition and your own mental health (“I don’t know the best ways to help you, I can learn, but I’m not going to be able to fully understand. So I found these people for you to help in areas I know I can’t help”).

All that mattered now was a name. Your birth name wasn’t going to cut it anymore. You needed a new name. You looked through shows and books, hell, even baby name sites. Namjoon gave you the idea to test out new names at coffee shops to try and get the hang of it but no name suited you until. 

“Y/N.” You said to Namjoon the day before classes were due to start. 

“Y/N . . .” he mused for a second, trying the name out on his tongue. “I like it, it suits you.”

You gave him a big smile and pressed a wet kiss to his cheek. “Thank you.”

“Of course, baby. Anytime. Remember to email the school and your therapist about it!” He instructed, looking at your sternly. 

“Okay, dad!” You rolled your eyes sarcastically at him.

“Oooh, don’t use that tone of voice with me young man!” Namjoon playfully scolded as you walked away from him.

After a few months of this, your therapist asked you about starting testosterone. Immediately you said yes and your therapist gave you a few instructions on what to do and who to call. The next day you were getting your blood drawn, and a few days later getting your first injection. When you walked back out into the waiting room where Namjoon sat patiently, when he saw the look on your face he stood up and picked you up, hugging you tightly. 

“I’m so proud of you,” he whispered in your ear. 

Not soon after, the two of you file some paperwork to get a court date for your legal name and gender change. Took a few months of your savings to get it done but soon enough, you had a court date and a few weeks later, the court order. 

With summer vacation coming along soon, and you not wanting to go back with your parents. You and Namjoon start looking around for an apartment to share. It takes a couple tries but soon enough, the two of you find a perfect place and sign the lease as soon as you possibly can. 

At first, your apartment is just some free roadside furniture (all of it being thoroughly cleaned before entering the apartment), your desks, and a bed on the floor of your shared bedroom. Slowly as the summer continues, Namjoon’s parents help with setting you up with kitchenware and a bedroom set, alongside a TV for the two of you. You were very grateful for Namjoon’s parents to be so accepting of you both.

One day on your way home from work, you ran into your-

“Mom?” You called out to her, what was she doing outside your apartment building?

She turned around and instantly her face fell into confusion. She called out your deadname and you visibly flinched. “Darling, what are you doing? Why are you still dressing up like a boy?”

Biting your tongue, you ignore her question and ask what she’s doing here.

“Well, I came looking for you! I wanted to see how well my daughter is doing, see if she’s looking like a girl again, but I guess not.” She sighed, “I only want what’s best for you darling. And dressing like a boy and liking girls isn’t what’s best for you.”

“Mom. I don’t like girls, I like boys.” You try your best to hold back from yelling at her in public. “I’ve never once said that I liked girls or looked at girls that way. Stop assuming things about me by the way I dress, because you are far from correct.”

She simply narrowed her eyes at you. “Are you still with Namjoon or should I tell him you’re cheating on him?”

“Excuse me, what?!” You’re completely baffled by her statement. “Mom, what are you talking about? I’m not seeing anyone else besides Namjoon. I love Namjoon?”

“Are you sure you didn’t get married on the side? Because whenever I look up your name all that pops up is a Y/N court date with our last name attached to it.” She raised her eyebrow accusingly. 

“Y/N isn’t a new man. Y/N is me. Congratulations, mom. You have a son! And he’s gay. Now leave me alone!” You roll your eyes and start for the inside, to get away from your mother once and for all. 

“WHAT!?” You hear your mother yell as she storms after you. “Young lady you listen to me! You are no such thing! I won’t have it! Not in my family!”

You could feel the oncoming stares from around you. Great, she was causing a scene. “Then I guess, I’m not in your family.” You state before walking into your building, you quickly make your way over to the elevator and hold yourself in the corner as you wait for the doors to close. While you’ve distanced yourself from your family long enough, it still hurt when you now declared yourself to the entire world that you were no longer a part of their family. 

You were surprised at the fact you weren’t bursting into tears yet, maybe it was because all the past few months of therapy made it worth it or maybe it was just the testosterone. Either way, you must’ve looked mentally drained from the event as you opened the door to Namjoon asking if you were alright. After a brief recollection of the event, he gave you a quick hug. Pressing a quick kiss to your head, promising that no matter what you’re his family now. 

You were getting to that point in your transition when you hit the three Hs. Hot, hungry, and horny. The amount of cold showers you’ve taken just to soothe your aching body from the internal heat from within is astronomical. No matter how many layers you take off, you’re still boiling. It’s when Namjoon sees you on your back, completely naked spare a towel over your chest and boxers, is when he gets concerned. He buys ice packs, ice cream, and a couple fans to help cool you down when you suddenly feel like tearing off all your clothes. 

Hungry, you’ll feel as if your stomach is a blackhole and you’ll eat almost all the food in the kitchen. Namjoon’s learned to deal with it by keeping most of the snacks on high shelves, he’ll let you have free reign over whatever is in the fridge that you have to make but for regular snacks? Never let you near those unsupervised. He’s not gonna ever let go of the fact you ate all his hot cheetos in one sitting while he was out at work.

Horny was nothing new for you, you and Namjoon kept a fairly active sex life but now you were nearly unsatiably horny. You could jack off and fall asleep, only to have a sex dream and wake up even more hornier the following day. One time on your day off, you swear you spent the entire day jacking off and even when Namjoon got home, you knew you could go another few rounds. He never judged you though; even when your voice cracked when you moaned, your bottom growth, or even just getting hairier, he was there for you. No matter what the change your body went through, he was still the same man during sex.

Speaking of being there for you, this was a time when you really needed him because you apparently missed a call from your therapist about your top surgery letter. Around the time of your legal name change, your therapist asked you if you were ready for top surgery because by now you definitely qualified with your diagnosis of gender dysphoria. 

You wished Namjoon could be here, but he was out getting groceries so that just left you alone to call your therapist back. You held your breath as you heard the dial tone, after what felt like forever, your therapist picked up. What you heard, blew your mind. 

Namjoon came home that night to you bouncing up and down on the couch, squealing like a happy camper. When he asked you what was up, all you had to say was: “September.”

“No!”

“Yes! I’m getting top surgery in a matter of months!” You yelled, to which Namjoon dropped the groceries and picked you up and spun you around. 

“Baby boy, I’m so happy for you!” He cheered as the two of you spun around the apartment and fell over onto the couch. “Is this cause for celebration?” You could feel his arms trace alongside your body, he had that look in his eye. The look that had your knees buckling and your heart racing. 

“Yes I believe it is.” You muttered as you placed your hand on his jaw, pulling him in for a kiss. His hands went straight for your thighs, a safe place for him to put them. Slowly the kiss got more and more heated, his tongue sliding into your mouth as he grabbed your ass. You chuckled as he pulled your body on to his lap, he pulled away from the kiss to press more kisses down your neck and jawline. “Bedroom, now.” With that, he picked you up and took you to the bedroom, spending a lot of time making noise complaints for your neighbors. 

Soon enough, you met with your surgeon and selected a date in September as well as a type of procedure to settle on. Luckily enough, you won’t be needing drains so the issue of dealing with them has been eliminated. 

When school started up again, you made all your professors well aware of what would be going on in a few weeks so they made some quick accommodations for you and soon enough, the date arrived. 

Thankfully, you were able to have Namjoon wait with you in the waiting room and in the pre-op room. The nurses were very nice about your I.V.s and made sure you were the most comfortable you could be. When your surgeon came over and had to draw the procedure lines, Namjoon held your hand as the doctor drew over your chest. But it was all worth it because only hours later, you were in the operation room. 

Being under anesthetic is weird because one second you’re awake then you blink and you’re done. You woke up with Namjoon right beside you holding your hand, with tears in his eyes. 

“Done?”

“It’s done, baby. It’s done. We can go home soon. Just go back to sleep.” He whispered and again you were out like a light. Only to be woken up a bit later to be discharged from the hospital. With a post-surgery binder wrapped tightly around you, dressed in sweats and a flannel, you were in Namjoon’s car ready to go. You listened faintly to Namjoon’s conversation with the nurse about your pain medication and about seeing the surgeon again a week later. 

You don’t quite remember much of the drive back from the hospital, probably because you were on and off asleep the whole time but the next thing you know, Namjoon is waking you up in the parking garage. 

It takes quite a bit of effort for Namjoon to even get you out of the car, a lot of promises of ice cream and cuddles is what fully convinces you to become somewhat conscious as he helps you get from the car to your apartment. It takes a good while, but soon as you’re in, you both let out a sigh of relief. 

“Home sweet home.” Namjoon said as he led you over to the couch, “Do you want anything, Y/N? Juice? Water? Snack?”

“Hmmm, wan’ you, Joonie.” You raised your arms at your elbows and made grabby hands, which got a good chuckle out of him.

“Baby boy, you wanna go back to sleep?” He asked you, ruffling your hair. You give a nod and he just sighs. He helps you back up to your feet and leads you to the bedroom where he lays you carefully on your back. 

“Cuddle me, Joonie,” you muttered and Namjoon just sighs, giving into your half asleep antics to cuddle. He lays down on the other side of you, putting a hand over your stomach and kissing the side of your face. You fall asleep soon after that and Namjoon quickly follows.

By the time he wakes up however, you are nowhere to be seen and that sends a world of concern around him. You can’t reach very high, what if you tried grabbing the good snacks from the top shelf and pulled a stitch? What if you were still loopy and walked right out the front door? What if-

Namjoon’s concerns are quickly thrown out the door when he hears sniffling coming from the bathroom door. Jumping to his feet, he opens the door to see you with teary eyes for the first time since you’ve started testosterone. He looks down and sees you removed the post-surgery binder and pulled back the wrappings to see the fresh thin scars that go across your chest. He looks back up to you and you’re full on crying now, “I-I don’t even know what to say. I-I’m just so happy.”

The look in your eyes says it all. He sees a look in your eyes that he barely recognizes in the past 5 years he’s known you. It’s the look of pure and unadulterated happiness. Sure he’s seen you happy, but never something like this. Namjoon starts to feel the tears prickle in his eyes and he hears you laugh at him. 

“Shut up, I’m happy for you alright.” He quickly tries to wipe the evidence of tears from his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You laughed at him and just continued to look at yourself in the mirror, your hand barely ghosting over your chest. Right now it looks battered and bruised, your nipples also don’t look too great at the moment. But that will all heal and go away soon. You finally felt like yourself more than ever. 

Namjoon just watched you from the door frame. He watched as you laughed still in disbelief that you can finally be comfortable in your own body. The ring he bought a few months ago is currently burning a hole in his jeans, but now is not that moment. Right now, it’s your moment. A moment for you to finally love yourself.

[troop-scoop]

Mistakes & Regrets XV

Summary: When a trip to your Dad’s hometown of Hawkins goes wrong, you end up in the year 1983, and have to learn how to cope with being stuck in the past.

Pairing: Steve Harrington / Future!Reader (like, a really slow burn)

Warnings: Swearing, implied homophobia, Steve being emotionally hurt :( 

• • •

There was always a certain smell to Halloween, that being of fake blood, cheaply made costumes that smelled like the warehouse they’d been stored in, as well as the smell of candy that lingered in your pillowcase until your dad insisted you wash it.

You always loved the smell of Halloween, the cheap plastic props of toy swords and wands, the cheap fairy wings made of wire that were covered in an elastic looking chiffon with glitter glue patterns. 

The cheap grease paints that stank up the entire house the year that Daniel went as a clown, and your pa went as a plague doctor, not liking how pale his eyelids were underneath the mask, so he painted his eyelids with grease face paint like it was eyeshadow. 

There was a very specific smell to Halloween, and a certain feeling you always got leading up to it, even when you were getting older. But in the past year, it felt like you’d matured more than you should have. 

It was because you’d been forced into this situation by your own stupidity. Living on your own by age fifteen in a time period you’d only seen in movies. Using the 300 dollars you idiotically always carried with you because you didn’t have a bank account yet, as your only thing to live off of. 

Halloween wasn’t the same, and you doubted it ever would be. Nothing would ever be the same. Holidays were never a happy time for you, friendships were hard to develop, and you couldn’t be normal with Nancy or Jonathan, or any of Will’s friends because they knew when you were from. Thankfully the boys were told to be quiet by the government about that part. And silently, you were thankful you never told them that Will was your father.

Romantic relationships seemed completely out of the question to you now. The awkwardness of still being considered new hadn’t worn off, and nothing about the idea of dating a boy in Hawkins in the 1980s felt right. 

The only normal relationship you had was your friendship with Steve. You had friends at school before, but never once had you been this close with one before. You usually hung out with him or Jonathan, and everything about it flowed like a friendship should. You’d gotten into a few arguments like friends usually do, the most notable being the year before when Will was still gone and you punched him. 

You didn’t regret it. He deserved it, but every once in awhile, you’ll feel the ache in your fist again. It had been a pretty impressive blow for someone whose last fight was in second grade with a boy who had called your fathers a few slurs to your face. 

You dealt with those people plenty of times. The schools you went to always having kids from two different neighborhoods. One was normal, and felt like a community. But then there was the one with the heavy right-winged parents who taught their children to be cruel.

You left a bowl of candy on the porch for the kids who came by. Not wanting to be overwhelmed by the sight that would just remind you too much of home and have you crying outside Hopper’s cabin with Eleven carefully peaking out the window in a few hours. It was the only safe space you could go to feel close to anyone when you were breaking down, other than the fully reclined passenger seat of Steve’s car after you bombed a math quiz.

But there was a very big difference between the two breakdowns. One being superficial, and that you could recover from, something stupid that you knew wouldn’t matter in a year. But the other, was caused by the biggest life changing moment in your life, whose repercussions you were still facing in the form of anxiety and ‘ptsd’ according to Owens. 

The steam surrounded you while you held your knees to your bare chest, tears mixing with shower water while the scenery around you refused to pass. This episode captured how you remembered the Upside Down perfectly. Every night or day you’d spent there being so dark you could barely see two yards in front of you, the air around you cold but the water hot and practically burning your skin. 

But you heard the front door open, and you opened your eyes, seeing the bathroom go back to normal. The ugly yellow tile back, while your tears shifted from being out of tear to relief. 

Grabbing onto the edge of the tub you pushed yourself onto your feet, acting like it hadn’t happened by calmly washing out the suds from your hair that had grown far longer than it had been in September of 83.’ 

Turning off the faucet you stepped out and grabbed the grey towel from the hook, wrapping it around your body and taking the safety pin from the counter and used it to keep your towel from falling. Opening the bathroom door, steam pooled out from the doorway.

Looking over to the living room, where you saw Steve sitting on the couch, head in his hands and his back rising and falling in such a way that it was hard not to notice that he was holding back tears. 

“Steve?” You questioned. He looked up and then quickly averted his gaze when he saw you in the towel. 

“Jesus, I’m so sorry.” He blurted out. 

But you noticed how his eyes seemed red, and not from lack of sleep or alcohol. It looked like he’d been crying. His hair disheveled, no doubt from running his hands through it 

You took strides over to him and sat practically hip to hip with him, not caring if you were soaking wet or in just a towel. “What happened?” 

He shook his head a bit, looking to the carpet, running his dominant hand through his hair while he tried to process what to tell you. He finally looked up at you. “Have you ever loved someone before?”

“Other than my parents? No.” You answered. 

“It’s intense. it’s . . . it’s really scary sometimes to be vulnerable in front of the person who you think also loves you, because they say it,” He was sad, angry and didn’t know what to do. “I. . .” He started to tear up and in a heartbeat you had your arms around him. “She. . . Nancy doesn’t love me.” Steve’s voice broke halfway through his sentence, trying to hide the fact that he was on the brink of tears.

“What’d she say?” It was like your own problems were completely miniscule to Steve’s. But that was a more recent coping mechanism, where you avoided your own problems in favor of helping somebody else.

“She called me bullshit. Said we were pretending everything was fine, that we were pretending to be in love, that me and her were pretending we didn’t kill Barb.” 

At that you tensed up. The thought that Nancy blamed Steve for Barbara’s death, made you angry. It wasn’t either of their faults for not being there when Nancy had apparently told Barbara to go home.

“You’re not bullshit, and what happened to Barb wasn’t your fault. Shit happens, people die. No one knew that was gonna happen to her.”

You weren’t looking directly at Steve, but you could tell he was breaking down, head on your shoulder, and body exhausted, leaning into you for comfort that you gave him without question. “You can cry, Steve.” It was a simple sentence, but it carried a lot for Steve, who had never once been told that by anyone. Usually being shamed with the phrase ‘real men or boys don’t cry.’ And he let go, holding onto you and letting the tears go down his cheeks while you ran a comforting hair through his hair, smoothing down his hair so the strands rested like they usually did. 

You’d never experienced the kind of heartbreak he was going through, you’d experienced the kind where you had ended up completely alone and scared in a scary place, with the added layer of knowing you’d never see your parents again as a teenager. 

But his was worse. He found love, he grew to love Nancy. And they’d been together a year, which alone was impressive, since teenagers couldn’t even seem to keep a job for more than three months. 

He couldn’t have ever anticipated that she’d be cruel, call him ‘bullshit’ and blame him for what happened to her friend. 

But you knew according to movies, tv shows and books, that eventually, you wouldn’t have your family anymore. That at some point, you’d be alive, and your parents gone, But you just never anticipated it to happen this way. So maybe you were on the same level of heartbreak, just two different types. 

“I know,” You comforted softly his quiet tears made your own tears build up, but you forced them away, opting to let this be about him, and what he was going through. “You’re not bullshit.” You told him. 

• • •

Flinching away from the cotton ball that the nurse held up to your cheek, you glared at the middle aged woman. Mrs. Luna was always meaner that Mrs. Kenna who always greeted students with a warm smile and actually did care about them and if they were okay. 

Mrs. Luna let out a harsh breath through her nose out of frustration, deciding to turn her attention over to the boy who sat by the counter, a poster of the food pyramid over his head had you wishing it was a real pyramid that would fall on him. 

“Annalise, are Y/n’s parents coming to get her?” Mrs. Luna demanded of the secretary who was in the front office, the door connecting the two rooms open so the women could interact. 

“Will Byers should be here soon to pick her up.” The main secretary informed while standing at the printer, which you could see through the doorway where you sat by the Nurse’s desk. 

You weren’t afraid of anything as a child, heights always seemed like fun, and while you didn’t like spiders, you weren’t afraid of them. You weren’t afraid at the thought of getting hurt, and this entire situation proved that, since you’d been the one to technically start the fight, by throwing the first punch. But at least you, a second grade girl had beat a fifth grader in a fight. He was more bloody than you, and clearly in more pain, even though he tried to hide it. 

Turning your head to the side you looked to the health posters garnered towards kids, things about eyesight and bones in a cartoon style so it fit the elementary school. 

“Mr. Byers. . .” You heard the secretary greet your dad. “And Mrs. Cortez.” The dread filled you when you realized that Joseph’s mother was here. She was the type of mother who everyone on campus was scared of because it seemed she didn’t tolerate any other child other than her own.

“So it was your child who hurt my son?”

You heard your dad give a spiteful chuckle. “Get a grip, Janet.” He spoke the woman’s name with venom as he approached the nurse’s office, still in the sweatpants and t-shirt he’d worn when he dropped you and your brother off that morning.

Giving a nervous smile to him when he came into the linoleum floored room, he gave you a look mixed with disappointment and something else. “Hi, dad.” You said in the happiest voice which had Mrs. Cortez scowling at you when she walked in after your dad, approaching her son. 

He kneeled down in front of you, examining your face, hands gently holding your jaw to keep you in place. “Guess I should see the other guy huh, baby?” 

You laughed, even if it hurt your cheek where the scrape was that Mrs. Luna had tried cleaning. 

“You encourage that behavior?” Mrs. Cortez asked harshly, arms crossed and when you let your eyes wander over to her, you noticed how there wasn’t a single wrinkle in her pantsuit, and how the clothing she wore made her even more intimidating to you.

“None of your business.” Your dad shot back, grabbing your hand and helping you out of the plastic blue chair. The two parents never liked each other. Mrs. Cortez didn’t like your parents because they were gay, and your parents hated her because she was rude, and didn’t understand where boundaries were. 

“Can you call Ms. Perez? I’m signing my son out too.” 

You had to listen to the bickering between your dad and the woman, while you and Joseph glared at each other until Daniel got to the front office, confused and holding the book he’d basically been forced to check out from the school library. Your dad had checked you both out, and gotten you into the car before driving home.

The rest of the day was mostly quiet, with Daniel doing the simple worksheets at the dining table with you, while you worked on your times tables, using the laminated paper that Pa had made for you. 

Your dad  made you both lunch, which was just leftover spaghetti that Pa had made. Sure, Will was the one who worked from home, and helped make Halloween costumes, and drew things with you at the coffee table while reruns of Ed, Edd, and Eddy played, but Tom was the better cook, and better at helping with homework.

“Hey Danny, can you give your sister and I a few minutes?” Will asked, picking up the plates from the kitchen table, looking over to Daniel who nodded and got up, happily going to his room where his action figures were. 

You looked up at him, holding the scented marker in hand, coloring in the certain sections of the coloring page with every answer you got. 

Will placed the plates in the sink and walked over to the table, sitting next to you, an arm resting on the top of the back of the chair, right behind your head. 

“What did he do?”

You stayed quiet, continuing to color in the flower, going a little bit out of the lines, still not having the best of hand/eye coordination. 

“What did he say?” Will rephrased the sentence. 

“He called you and Papa fags and fairies.” You answered quietly, keeping your eyes on the paper until Will reached over, taking the pink marker from you and capping it.

“You know how everyone says you’re like me?” 

Nodding you answered. “Yeah.”

He nodded a bit with a smile. “You are a lot like me, but you’re also like your pa. I’ve seen him punch one of his college professors for saying the same things about us before.”

You smiled up at him a bit, and saw his smile grow a bit. “Listen to me, sweetheart, you never, and I mean never, let anybody push you around. I let people push me around all throughout school, I was nothing like Pa, so I’m glad you are, even I get calls to come pick you up at 10 am, and even if you get suspended for a week. I think it’s stupid for them to expect you not to do anything. Never be afraid of getting in trouble if what you’re about to do is the right thing.”

• • •

Add yourself to the taglist!

@disneyprincessbuffyannesummers​​​ @jxnehxpper​​​ @yllwtaxi​​​ @songofcosplay​​​ @potatopooper05​​​ @cheesecakeisapie​​​ @robinsdolan​​​ @yall-wildin-like-siriusly​​​ @the_passionate_freak @bisexualpears​​​ @ilovebucketbarnes​​​ @random-thoughts-003​ @philopatris

[totallypathet]

Episode 1

Drag Race is back, and so is the Pathet Commentary that noone asked for baby!

Since the UK has just gone into Lockdown #3, I am super glad there's a new series of Drag Race to keep me entertained every week - so you guys better be prepared for these ridiculously long posts, bc I got nothing else on 😂

So first of all let's talk about the format. I do not understand why this show is so obsessed with ~twists~ and ☆turns☆ and making everything a 💫gag💫. Like, nothing was wrong with the usual format? There was no need for this weird staggered introduction/lipsync thing. They kept flicking between introductions to lipsyncs, so it felt like you were always at the beginning of the episode. Very weird. And we all obviously knew that they weren't going to send half the people home on the first episode, so it just felt stupid to have this "lipsync for your LYFE" every 2 seconds. It feels insulting - if you're going to predicate an episode on half the people going home right away, the audience just feels cheated when actually noone goes home and everything we just watched is academic.

It didn't have to be that way either, they could have done all the introductions, had the whole cast do the "walk in" and have their little moment & one-liner; then put them into groups to lipsync? And whatever it is they're going to do with the Pork Chop group, they could have just said? Like "this year the first challenge is in teams, and to decide the teams we're going to have a series of lipsyncs". I have no idea if that's actually what they're doing, but it wouldn't feel as insulting as what actually happened. And then you can still have the "twist" where the teams aren't even and you have to send someone home. I wouldnt have minded that so much. I actually really like the concept of seeing them all lipsync in episode 1! It sets up the season, you can see who's going to be the lipsync assassin, you can see what kind of performer everyone is... I think its a really cool challenge for the first episode! Just the way they went about it was shitty.

The other thing is it was really clear that none of those queens knew they were gonna have to lipsync in their entrance looks, which feels unfair. At least let them prepare properly!

I also really missed the photo shoot mini challenge! Like, i know that it's harder to do that inline with covid restrictions, but I feel like there are still ways. They could have done an outside photoshoot, the photographer would not have had to be near any of the cast or crew... I just missed it.

Anyway, onto the breakdown!

1. Denali

I looooooooooved Denali's entrance look! It was so perfect. I have no idea how she was just casually walking on those skates though?! They looked like real skates, but they can't have been, right? Also, I am such a slut for like, people with super long plaits, and when they twirl the plait wraps around their body! I love it so much. The only teeny little critique I have, and I'm being super nit-picky here, is i think her contour is just a tiny bit too dark, or maybe not blended out super well? Such a nit pick, but the rest of her makeup seemed like beauty makeup, and it was done really nicely, so the contour really stood out to me.

It was also really obvious that that look was not a lipsyncing look. Which is such a shame, because I think she's a really good lipsyncer, I liked her lipsync, but I think it was a little bit hampered by what she was wearing. Its just really unfair that they didn't tell them to be prepared to lipsync in their entrance looks.

Overall though, I like Denali, I think she's great.

2. Elliott with 2 Ts

I really liked Elliott's entrance look, I thought it was a really cool 80s mom look, I liked it! I do think it was a shame that she was standing on stage in between Tina Burner and Kahmora Hall though - there was an all out campy costume on one side, an all out glamour beauty pageant look on the other, and poor Elliott did look a little over shadowed in the middle.

Unfortunately I think she was also middle of the road in the lipsync. Tina Burner is such a powerhouse that I think the other two were always going to look a little lacklustre next to her; but I think not being able to prepare properly can't have helped either! I could go either way on Elliott, I feel like I haven’t seen enough to make up my mind yet.

3. Gottmik

I really honestly thought they were called "GottMilk", which I thought was cute and fun, and I was almost disappointed when I realised I'd read it wrong and it was Gottmik. C'est la vie.

I loved Gottmik's entrance look - the makeup was stunning, the outfit was everything, I really enjoyed it! I'm really looking forward to what looks their going to pull out, especially makeup looks! I do think they're very young, and didn't seem all that confident in front of the judges; which I really hope changes! I think they're going to be amazing, I just think they need to recognise how amazing they are and own it. I also really liked their lipsync! I was finding it really hard to call between them and Utica, they both did great!

I'm also super excited to see a trans man on the show, we love inclusive drag! Hopefully this is a step towards the show being less transphobic. I'm going to be really interested to hear what Gottmik has to say about their experience on the show - particularly in a few years when they're no longer under contract with RuPaul.

Really excited by Gottmik, can't wait to see what they bring!

4. Joey Jay

I'm not convinced by Joey Jay just yet. I didnt buy everything she was selling this week. I don't know why, I just feel a bit...underwhelmed, maybe? I liked her confessionals, she seems quite funny, and self aware, which I love, I'm just not sure about her yet. I hated her entrance look, which probably didn't help 😂 the chicken feathers didn't bother me, I kind of love a big feather sleeve, and I'm all about being cheap - I do wish it hadn't been moulting though, like baby make sure your shit is glued down before you walk on! There was also something about the wig I didn't like, I think she was going for a wet look with the hair, but it just felt a bit flat. I feel like it didn't go far enough to be proper wet-look, so it just was a bit lifeless. And the bodysuit was cut super weird in the crotch area. It just felt like everything was a little bit off; and I just think for your first look, first impression, making an entrance; it was lacklustre. It's a shame.

The lipsync was okay. Again, I wish they'd been told that they were lipsyncing right off the bat, in their entrance looks, so they just were ready and prepared. Watching Joey Jay's lipsync felt a lot like she was just pulling out her "usual" moves, it didn't feel like she was in the moment. I think a lot of that can be put down to just being surprised and not totally ready? Again, it feels unfair.

I think Joey could be really great, and I do want to see her progress in the competition and see what else she has, I just feel like she didn't get to show her best this week, and I think that's a shame.

5. Kahmora Hall

Kahmora is beautiful. Her face, her body, the big hair, the Mackey dress... stunning. I literally couldn't listen to anything that was said while the camera was on her, I was so distracted by how beautiful she is 😂

I was a little disappointed with her lipsync though, it felt like she wasn't really there, she wasn't really in it? And there were a couple of moments where I think she dropped words. She just didn't seem super sure of herself, which is such a shame, because she walked in with confidence, she stood on that stage radiating star power, and then the lipsync came and she just faded. I really hope that it was just because she wasn't ready, and I really hope we see her kill it next week!

6. Kandy Muse

I can see exactly why her and Aja are friends 👌 I love that she's a big personality, and I think she could be the confessionals queen this season. I kind of love that she shaded Aja as well, because it didn't really feel like proper shade, it just felt like a sort of sibling rivalry, and I thought it was funny! I like her so far. I feel like she's the friend who's very over-excitable, and can be a little annoying, but 1000% has the biggest heart in the group and will always have your back. I relate to her 😂

I loved her entrance look! Any bedazzled and sparkling denim, I am here for it. The dress was gorgeous, I love the tie waist detail that made it look like a shirt tied around her waist, I loved the pearls on the boobs, the denim arm warmers! Everything. I loved it. The denim boom box? Iconic. As soon as she walked in, I got it. I got that she was New York, I saw a little Haus of Aja, I got the edgy beauty thing, I just loved it the second I saw it. The only shame of it is that, because they obviously weren't told they'd have to lipsync in these looks, she kept pulling it up during the lipsync. But thats production's fault, Kandy can do no wrong for me right now 😂

7. Lala Ri

Okay, hear me out. I love her. Her entrance look is the worst one I've seen for at least a few seasons. I hated it so much! And its such a shame, because she's obviously gorgeous, and an incredible performer, and funny, and all these other things, but girl the look was ugly.

I liked the high neck/faux mask thing, I thought that was cute. But it was just a weird look. There was so much fabric at the top of her body, and nothing underneath? And then to have fully bare legs with an ankle boot? No! It was just all wrong. Maybe it would have worked if the roll neck (I assume bodysuit, just for convenience) had been really sheer mesh, so there was a really clear distinction between those layers. And I wish she'd worn pumps instead of ankle boots.

But her performance was one of the best of the week. I loved it, I love how much she just threw herself into it, gave it everything, I loved it. Very much looking forward to seeing other looks from her though!

8. Olivia Lux

What a beautiful smile! Such a gorgeous face. I love love looooved her look, I love a two tone moment! Especially with the gloves - I just wish she'd done the shoes too! I loved it. I also love that it was two pieces, and that she was able to take of that long skirt in the lipsync, and give herself maximum movement! It was a really smart choice.

I also think her lipsync was great! I love that she gave me a little bit of everything; we had a bit of story-telling, a little comedy, a little camp, it was a whole lot of fun! I couldn't take my eyes off her, she was just sparkling.

I'm a little bit in love with Olivia, I think she's gonna be one to watch this year!

9. Rosé

I feel like I might be being unfair on Rosé, but I dont like her very much just yet. Her confidence was just bordering on arrogance to me, and I felt a lot like she was looking down on Olivia Lux for being a less experienced queen? And the look on her face when she "lost" the lipsync was like she was thinking "how could I lose to her", which I just didn't like at all. Idk, I probably am being really unfair, and a lot of it could be the edit, she just seems a little too cocky for me. And I also feel like, how are you gonna be super cocky like that when you've walked in in the most basic look. I don't know, I'm not buying it yet.

Her lipsync was good, but it just felt a little bit too serious, she wasn't having as much fun with it as Olivia.

10. Symone

I love that Symone came in in a dress made of Polaroids. I love it. I love unconventional materials, I love the confidence, I love that she literally came in going "this is me". And the way it was constructed as well, so it had the little flare on the bottom that moved when she twirled? Perfect. Also I love the orangey wig with it! It went so well with the dress, and she looked totally flawless.

Her performance was great as well! She was cute and funny, she knew that song back to front, I loved it. I bought it.

11. Tamisha Iman

Tanisha almost did what I wish Lala had done - the mesh top under the power suit, I loved it! I love a big power shoulder; the only problem I had was the hair. If you've got big high shoulders, you need to have big high hair, otherwise your hair is going to look flat, and you're going to look like you're walking around with your shoulders held up around your ears. Even if she'd just had an updo, I think that would have helped. There also was a little bit of a sense that the outfit was wearing her somehow? I dont know, it just wasn't quite right.

But her performance. She's a performer. She's a dancer. She was giving me Janet. She is one to watch this year. She came to play, she knows what she's doing, and I am so ready for it!

12. Tina Burner

We love a queen with a brand. Of all the entrance looks this year, I think hers was the smartest. I dont really know much about her, other than that she was in the cast, but when she walked in I was like "oh, that must be Tina Burner, she's got the firefighter look happening". Was it my favourite ever look? No, but it was well made, it fit her nicely, it didn't look like anything anyone else was wearing, and it told me exactly who she is; that's what you want from qn entrance look! She did it right.

Tina is also obviously used to sharing a stage with other people; she was perfectly comfortable in that lipsync. She didn't get in anyone's way, but she still knew how to pull focus and be centre stage, even is she wasn't literally centre stage. It was a great lipsync, she knows how to play this game, and I think she's definitely one to watch out for!

13. Utica Queen

I loooooooved Utica's entrance look! I love clashing patterns, over the top accessories, big hair, outfits that just shouldn't work but they really really do.

Unfortunately, I think that's where my love for Utica might run out. She has this cool fashion sense, and clearly a silly sense of humour, bit it felt like she was trying sooo hard to be ~quirky~ and it just came off annoying. Maybe that will improve, maybe I'm being really unfair and I just need to get to know her better, I just felt a bit like "okay babe, calm down".

Her lipsync was pretty good, but again, I feel like she was relying on silly & quirky. I dont know.

Overall, I'm a little bit disappointed in the first episode, I feel like we didn't get to see very much of the queens at all. Like, compare this to season 12; say what you want about season 12, but in the first episode(s) we got to see 5 looks from each queen, and song lyrics to tell us more about them. This episode, we got 1 look, a lipsync they weren't told about, and some chatting in the Pork Chop Loading Dock. I just think its a shame. This show is so invested in twists and turns that its forgotten that the queens are what makes this show special. I want to see them have fun and do well, not be totally defeated in episode 1!

[bonesthebeloved]

It’s a fine (taped) line

Summary: In which Roman isn't doing well after the events of SVS Redux and Remus finds him in their room next to a bunchof balled up tape that had separated them for years and years. Characters: Roman and Remus (Janus mention)

Triggers/ Squicks: crying/ breakdown. Mention of weapons and (mild)violence, intrusive thoughts, sea monster, swimming in natural water, eyes. (if I missed anything/ you’d like me to tag anything let me know.)

Words:2881 (I didn’t spell check this. We die like men.)

He was afraid

It hadn't been quite as long as he'd liked since the last time he'd been afraid like this. Not even a full week.

Afraid like a shiver that ran deep until you were sure you could hear your skeleton rattle. Afraid like laboured quite breathing and wide eyes staring into unseeing darkness and even more unseeing void.

Afraid like standing on the plank with a sword poking in your back and hungry sharks beneath you.

Afraid like he was now, standing in a well lit room accompanied by two other sides and Thomas himself. In the middle of the day with the doors safely locked and his Katana at his side.

He shouldn't be afraid.

Uncertain. Angry, yes. Maybe even hurt. But afraid should not apply to this situation. After all there was no threat.

Yet he felt it. And he knew his voice would be shaking even before he'd opened his mouth to speak. And he knew his hands would be shaking even before he lifted them to cover his mouth. And he knew that and he knew that and he knew-

He didn't know anything anymore.

"You are!" came a shout. Almost sounding desperate enough to be genuine . Almost sounding certain enough to be true.

But Roman was afraid. And he was shaking when he looked over for confirmation to the side that had cracked his trust beyond repair because how else would he know if it really was genuine and certain enough. How else would he-

He'd never have guessed that a single nod would be the thing that would shatter the cracked funhouse mirror. Never would've guessed that the only thing standing between him and the hungry sharks below would be the incline of a head. The confirmation of a lie.

So he sunk out with a last scoff at their hosts expression. Seeing the tiniest of cracks forming would've concerned him to no end if he himself wasn't completely shattered at that moment.

And when he popped into his room he looked at where he was standing. The edge of the plank. Toes nearly touching the line of white tape seperating the two sides of the room. One messy, clothes on piles and crumpled up paper all over the floor. Bed unmade and in need of a change of sheets. Curtains still drawn and houseplants dying.

The other half belonged to Remus.

And there, on the edge of the plank, with noise coming from the bathroom attached to their room and Remus his pet rat squeaking happily while running around the bed, Roman bowed down and, getting a good grip on an edge of it, ripped the tape away from the floor, shattering the imaginary barrier and the line he'd set for himself.

When he had taken of all the tape, all of it a sticky, bawled up mess on the floor now, he dropped to his knees, slowly lowering his head to the floor aswell and leaning it against the carpet, closing his eyes.

And he cried. Not dramatic and loud wailing like would be expected. No, his crying was quiet. Almost deadly so as the tears dropped down his face and onto the carpet. As he gripped his hair to stop himself from hitting the floor. And he pulled his hair to stop himself from pouncing his fist on it.

And when the bathroom door opened he stopped, still pulling and still silent and facing away from whoever had just walked in.

The side stopped in their tracks too. Still by the bathroom. Hand probably still on the door handle, hair probably still wet, eyes probably trying to communicate with their brain about what it is their seeing.

Because Remus had walked in on his brother on the floor which was devoid of tape. The tape of which he’d tried to convince his brother was the spot an invisible lazer beam would kill the first person that walked over it.

Because Remus had walked in on his brother while he was crying.

Because Roman never cried infront of him. Not since they had been kids and they’d learned to hate eachother once drawings of nightterrors and bloody zombies became ‘bad’ instead of just ‘creative’.

Because Remus was hurrying over to his brother now, falling onto his knees with a loud smack and feeling the carpetburn set in already as he shuffled closer, a hand outstretched as both a warning and a question.

When Roman shrugged his shoulder away from the hand close to it Remus nodded silently and let it drop to his side. No touching then. Alright.

“That bad huh?” He grimaced at the words. Too loud in the now deadly quiet room.

Roman simply let a hollow laugh echoe through it and Remus swore they’d never had an echoe before but then again their room changed all the time.

Like how the glow in the dark stars had changed into swirling galaxy above his bed and how Roman tore down his posters every month to rearange them.

Like how the white tape that had been there for years was now suddenly gone.

“Wanna talk about it?”

A short silence that stretched out just long enough for Remus to take another breath to offer to distract his brother instead when suddenly:

“I’m not his hero anymore.”

Remus saw it now, the outlines of the shattered mirror his brother had become.

He didn't like it one bit.

"I'm sure that's just good ol' Double D's messing with your head of course your his he-" "Janus."

Remus was silent then, slowly sinking down to sit infront of his brother, careful not to cross the now nonexistent line theyd set for themselves so long ago.

"Pardon?"

"He's called Janus. He told us so you don't have to act like you don't know his name anymore Rem. He told us. The fucker told us."

"That's... Good right?"

Roman laughed, the sound hollow and joyless, before muttering the most quiet 'yeah right' and letting his head drop again, still sitting in the middle of the room that used to be seen as two. The room that now lacked the devider.

"He called me evil." And there it was. The issue that Roman was struggling with the most, laid out in the open raw and ugly in the dim light of the room.

"Did he now? What'd he say exactly. Because, if I know one thing, it's that Dee only says shit like that as a joke or when something seriously messed up was said to him and I'm assuming the later didn't happen so-"

"I laughed at his name." Roman said numbly, the monotone voice nearly as terrifying as the one full of pain from just seconds ago.

"Well of course you did! It's a stupid name! It sounds like he's a middle school libr-" "Librarian yeah. I said the same thing."

Remus opened his mouth to speak again, to return to his way of comforting his brother which was distraction by blatant mockery.

But then...

"And that's the problem Re. That's the whole damn problem."

"What is?"

"He called me evil Re."

"I mean yeah you've told me already what you hit your head or some-"

"He compared me to you."

Ah.

Right.

That.

'Well fuck you too Ro!' Remus said. Only he didn't say that because what kind of a brother would he be.

Because Roman, after all these years, still didn't get it. Still thought of him as evil and himself as good. Still stuck in the black and white, the good and evil narrative that they were taught since they were able to count to two.

And oh Remus wanted to slap his brother for that. Wanted to give him a good shake and ask him who the hell he thought he was.

But Roman was crying at the thought of being compared to him.

And while that idea made him sick to his stomach, Roman was still crying. And he was still his brother, even if it ment being hated so viscously that the mere thought of being like him caused a breakdown this severe.

Even if his own brother seemed to want him gone.

"Then he's even dumber then his name Ro."

Roman looked up at that, snot and tears mixing under his nose and on his hand as he wiped it away. Looking pathetic as ever but the little spark of hope the sentence had created was present. And that's all he needed.

"Have you seen yourself? Of course you're not evil! You're basically prince charming except gayer! Ha! Can you even imagine an evil Prince Eric? Of course you can't because it's ridiculous!"

A huff of air from Romans nose then. And it wasn't quite a laugh sure. But it was a start. And Remus could work with just a start.

What he couldn't work with though, was no response beside just that puff of air. The silence in the room seeming to press down on him. Threatening to squish him flat like a pancake. Squashing him so hard that his eyeballs popped out and-

Right. Sad brother. Focus Remus focus.

"Hey I've got an idea."

-

Twenty minutes later and they stood in the imagination, his brothers eyes still red rimmed and he himself repressing the urge to make a comment about how it matched his colour scheme and how he should really put some blood splatters here and there for another pop of colour.

"Why are we here again?" Roman said into the cold misty evening. Slowly feeling his shoes soak up the water, his socks getting a bit wet.

"To scream." Remus said, gesturing towards the giant lake infront of them. The fog hanging low over it giving it both a mythical and horror movie esque feeling. Though with Romans current mood, horror movie was probably more likely.

"... To scream?"

"Yeah! I saw a man do that in a movie once after his daughter got killed by a man with a butchers knife. It looked awesome there was blood all over the kitchen walls and her head was-" "Don't spoil the movie for me Rem."

'Don't spoil it for me' had become Roman’s go to way of nicely telling his brother to shut the fuck up. Remus saw right through it of course. His brother would never watch slasher films after all. They made him have nightmares. But he appreciated the vague form of effort none the less.

"Just scream at the damn lake Ro. I didn't take you out here just so you could complain."

Roman looked at him weirdly, though decided that 'fuck it' seemed to be the mood he was going for today, stepped forward towards the edge of the lake, and screamed at the top of his lungs.

His voice broke several times while he did so. The scream sounding more and more choked up the longer it went on for, so much so that Remus started to wonder if his brother was losing his voice when he finslly fell silent and the quiet came back to press down on them.

Remus came to stand next to his brother, looking at him, at the tears streaming down his face and at how his eyebrows seemed to be trying to recreate the Nike symbol.

At how he was slightly shaking and standing just a smudge too close to the water.

At how his expression changed from pained to surprised to shocked when Remus pushed him into the ice cold lake.

At how this might be how he made his brother atleast a bit happy again. After a while of cursing and splashing around he got used to it, standing till his waist in the water and looking at his brother until finally he too jumped in, water splashing everywhere as he did so.

Roman snapped his fingers, the both of them now in diving suits rather than their normal outfits.

He ignored Remus his complains about how he'd rather swim naked as he came up to him and dunked his head under the water again. A fight breaking lose that had water splashing everywhere and curious woodland creatures come out of the woods to watch the two rulers of their kingdom seemingly get along for once.

Remus noticed how, after a minute or so, the deer suddenly fled. Not thinking much of it as he summoned a huge water gun and blasted it straight into Romans face.

Roman noticed, a moment later, how all the rabbits and squirrels and mice and rats fled aswell. Looking around for a moment but getting distracted when Remus summoned Poseidon trident to make a wave.

The twins both noticed how the birds also fled when the water began to ripple in a way that wasn't caused by them. How the water underneath them suddenly got darker as a huge shadow swam circles in the lake.

The both looked at eachother with wide eyes as they swam to the edge, summoning their respective weapons.

"Remus?"

"Hm?"

"Did you maybe forget to mention something when we came here?"

"I-... Mightve forgotten about me trying to recreate the log Ness monster yes."

"Wait, you made Nessy?!"

As if on queue, the giant seacreature emerged from the surface, scales glittering as the sunlight hit them. Green and blue and purple making for quite a beautiful image weren't it for the razor sharp teeth and monstrous features that came along with it.

"This is one hell of a way to distract me Rem." Roman said, rolling his shoulders as he held out his sword.

"... You're welcome?" Remus said, eyes flicking from the rip off Nessy to his brother and back as the monster growled and came closer.

"Alright then. Let's do this." Roman said, voice low and dangerous, bending his knees slightly as if preparing to dash away.

"Let's kick some ass!" Remus said. Surprised but not put off by this new development in his plans to cheer up his brother. If screaming at a lake would always lead him to a monster fight then he'd have to do this more often!

-

They set foot in their room four hours later. Both of them completely soaked, Roman wearing a small satisfied smile while Remus just looked grumpy.

They both flopped down on their respective beds, Remus his rat looking up in shock before quickly darting over to go and Greet its owner who just huffed and reluctantly petted the thing.

"That was fun." Roman said into the now quiet air.

"For you maybe! I had to watch how you 'calmed down' Nessy instead of taking part in the bloody fight I'd been hoping for!"

"Nessy did nothing to us she didn't deserve to get hurt."

"She nearly bit my arm off!!"

"Yeah? Well that's your fault for trying to poke her with your mace."

A strangely comfortable silence fell over the room then. And Remus began to slowly realise something. The realisation not quite there yet but almost.

Almost.

"... Thank you Rem. That was... Nice."

Ah. He got it now.

"Yeah well, at least I don't have to watch you cry on the floor anymore hm dipshit?"

"With how things are going, I think you'll see that more often than not. Asshat."

They both laughed, quiet and only partly sarcastic.

And Remus smiled into the quite. Pulling his legs up so his brother wouldn't see it.

"Hey Ro?"

"Hmm? You're not evil okay? He just said that cuz you hurt him a bit."

"Hmm. I should apoligise shouldn't I?"

Remus smiled again at that. Sitting up after he realised that he didn't mind his brother seeing him happy. Enjoyed it even.

"Oh I'm sure he'll show up at the door with a basket of fruit and a heartfelt letter next thing in the morning." Roman sat up too then. A small, unsure smile on his face.

And Remus realised he didn't mind seing his brother happy, either.

Enjoyed it even.

"And if you want. I can punch a little sense into him if he doesn't, and we'll go and look for another lake to scream at, how bout that."

"That'd be nice Rem."

And then Roman did something neither of them had done in a very long time.

He got up from the bed, brushing off his wrinkled clothes and, one step at a time, inched closer to the now non-existent barrier.

"Ro what are you-"

And then Roman was infront of him. On his side. Leaning over him slightly with his arms outstretched the tiniest bit.

"You're not evil either Rem. You never were."

Remus hadn't hugged his brother in over ten years.

But now here Roman was, carefully wrapping his arms around him after getting a nod of approval. Carefully tightening them and laying his head on his brothers shoulder. Squeezing him a little bit as Remus returned the hug hesitantly.

And nothing had been resolved. Nothing had been talked out or solved and things might only get worse before they get better but they were hugging and that was something at least.

And they'd been living in the same room for as long as they'd existed. Always there, always together.

And yet...

"I missed you Roman."

"I missed you too, brother."

-

This has been in my drafts for month I hope it's alright-ish at least.

-

-

Tags: @purp-man @sapphire-knight @ragingdumpsterfiremess @chronophobica @lance-alt @mylifeisadeceit @itriedandimtired 

[dweetwise]

OMG THAT ACE PALLET STUN ONE! Imagine if Laurie got the stun off on Myers and keep running thinking she is being stalked. Ace saw it runs to her and she accidently pallet stuns poor ace who was gonna say good job!

[that’s an A+++ idea anon! i was going for crack but then some angst happened? hope it’s ok!]

Laurie pallets stuns Myers (and Ace): headcanon/ficlet

Laurie mutters a quick curse under her breath, leaping through another window. Of course the killer is her brother, and of course he's being an obsessed jerkbag, refusing to leave her alone as soon as he spotted her in the trial. She thinks back to one of the trials earlier this week, where a lucky pallet stun somehow knocked a killer out cold. She sees Myers double back on the T-wall she’s looping, and quickly pivots to a nearby pallet.

Shit, she’s out in the open and Myers is stalking her like the infuriating creep he is. Laurie crouches behind some rubble just to spite him, refusing to give him his power even if it means getting hit. If only she could pull off what Ace did to the Spirit...

“It’s not WORKING!” Laurie yells in frustration to Ace, seeing the Trapper recover from the perfectly timed stun without faltering. “Don’t sweat it, you’ll get it eventually!” Ace tries to encourage her. “Now if you’d help me down--” “Over here, you big brute!!” Laurie taunts the killer, running away from Ace to another pallet with single-minded determination to get the technique right. “LAURIE FOR FUCK’S SAKE WOULD YOU UNHOOK ME!?” Ace yells while grappling with the entity’s claws, struggling to keep himself from being sacrificed on the hook.

After Laurie’s countless stun attempts in several trials and her fellow survivors growing annoyed by her selfish actions, Adam had been the one to come up with a decent theory. He’d suggested the one-off incident with the Spirit was probably related to the killer’s power and her going into shock from being forced out of another realm. Which would mean it could never be used on the other killers. 

Snapping back to the present, Laurie hears Michael’s disgusting heavy breathing approach. It’s just not fair! Why does Ace get to be the only one to fight back!? Laurie grits her teeth in frustration and jumps from her hiding spot to slam down the pallet on the killer.

She gets a small bit of satisfaction from hearing the pained grunt from behind the mask, suggesting she landed a stun. She quickly bolts, having no time to waste as Michael always recovers quickly and will surely be able to stalk her enough to get his power-up in case she lingers out in the open. Laurie runs into a jungle gym to block his line of sight, not once looking back.

Laurie positions herself near the pallet, waiting. She didn’t hear Myers break the pallet, which means he’s still on her ass. Sadly she doesn’t have a good vantage point, and with the killer suppressing his terror radius, he could come from any direction. The seconds tick by and she steels herself, ready for an ambush.

As soon as Laurie hears footsteps along the other side of the tiled wall, she slams down the pallet with expert timing, hoping to buy herself enough time to run to the main building--

“OWW!" she hears a very distinctly non-killer yelp, snapping her out of her fight-or-flight instincts and causing her to look around, confused. “A little help here?” she hears Ace’s strained voice and finally spots the man, stuck under the pallet with a pained expression on his features. She goes to lift the pallet, thankful for Yui’s teachings on the subject, eyes darting around trying to spot her brother in case he’s sneaking up on them. “Hurry up! Where’s Michael!?” Laurie hisses while extending a hand to drag Ace to his feet. “This is turning out to be an abusive relationship,” Ace weakly jokes while wincing in pain, rubbing his cheek that seems to have taken the brunt of the impact from the pallet, a bruise forming on the flesh. “Ace where’s--” Laurie demands. “Shh, let me show you!” Ace grins, wincing slightly from the action, motioning for Laurie to follow him. Laurie is about to protest, but seeing as she basically just assaulted the man, she decides the least she can do is humor him.

“I gotta admit, I didn’t think we could pull it off again. But hey, all that practice you did must’ve finally paid off,” Ace quips while leading Laurie towards the pallet she camped earlier. “You mean--!?” Laurie gasps. Could it be? Did she actually manage to do it!? She sprints the last couple of ten feet, coming to a halt in front of the pallet. She feels relief flood through her; next to the pallet, in an inelegant pile of sprawled out limbs, lies her brother, the bane of her existence, completely subdued and knocked out cold. “Congrats, Laurie--you did it!” Ace cheers, coming up beside her. “I saw him go down and wanted to tell you right away, and--well, then I ate a pallet myself,” Ace chuckles. “Sorry about that,” Laurie mutters, embarrassed by her skittish reflexes. “Eh, I’ve had worse,” Ace jokes good-naturedly and Laurie gives a small smile before shifting her attention back to the killer.

Looking at his motionless body, he looks like a regular human. He doesn’t look like the monster that has stalked her for years, killing her friends and ruining her life, before coming into this realm and doing it all over again, following her and killing her, choking and stabbing, again and again--

“So... did you want to prank him, or...?” Ace asks nonchalantly, interrupting her dark thoughts. Laurie bites her lip to suppress a relieved sob. She did it. She finally did it, and Michael isn’t hurting anyone, at least not this trial, she can finally breathe and her friends are safe-- Ace huffs out a surprised ‘oof’ as Laurie crashes into his chest, grabbing handfuls of his ugly pink sweater and choking out a few quiet sobs into the fabric. “Thank you--” Laurie starts, the sound muffled by Ace’s shirt. “Hey, this was all you!” Ace quips cheerfully, encouragingly patting her on the back. “--For giving me back some control over my life. Thank you,” she whispers. She feels her hands start shaking, cursing herself for being so vulnerable. Ace seems to hesitate, before placing a warm hand over her trembling fists and wrapping the other around her shoulders in an awkward half-hug. “Anytime,” he says softly, without any undertones of humor for once. 

Laurie appreciates the gesture, thankful for the strange turn of events that has allowed her to get a tiny bit of justice in her messed up life. She feels incredible gratitude for her friends, supportive enough to hold her during a breakdown in the middle of a trial with the unconscious body of her psychotic brother laying not even two feet away. Laurie feels the helplessness give way to courage, wiping at her tears with a familiar fire burning in her veins.

”Ready to move along?” Ace asks, tactfully giving her some space to pull herself back together. “Ready to kick some ass,” Laurie corrects, fierce and determined and ready to do whatever it takes to keep her friends safe.

[god i love laurie <3 also i see laurie and ace as a niece&uncle kind of dynamic but if you wanna ship go ahead]