#I FEEL VALIDATED BUT IM STILL FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF BUT FUCK I CAN DO SOMETHING FUCK FUCK FUCK

[cntloup]

had enough

Toxic!Simon, unhinged reader, threatening to commit suicide, guns, mention of killing, implied cheating

Part 1 | Part 2

ik ive used this song before but whatever

“I’ll do it, Simon! I will fucking do it!” you shout while holding his gun to your head, the one he always kept under his pillow just in case. It was supposed to be there for your protection. But how he regrets it now. 

You're a complete wreck right now as you stand before him, uncontrollable flows of tears along with your makeup cascading down your face, bloodshot eyes looking back at him as you threaten to pull the trigger. 

And he has never been this scared in his life. Not even when streams of bullets come flying in his direction almost every day. 

“Put the gun down... please... we can talk about it. I will stay. I promise.” he pleads desperately, struggling to figure out what to do in this situation. 

“What does she have that I don’t have? Huh? What do they have? I don’t even fucking know how many there are anymore!” you continue yelling and sobbing while waving the gun around, stopping him dead in his tracks as he steps closer to take the gun from you. 

He ducks his head as you point the gun in his direction for a moment, “What? You think I'm gonna kill you? Whatever I do, I'll do it to myself! I can’t go on like this anymore!” you cry out, your loud sobs and hiccups fill the room, fill his senses, overwhelming him as it builds up his aggression and frustration more and more. 

“Put. The. Fuckin'. Gun. Down.” he states firmly as he gets closer, slowly reaching for the gun that you now hold by your side as you go on sobbing. 

“Why don’t you love me, Simon?” you ask while slightly tilting your head, this time in a much softer tone, almost as if you have given up the fight, now only desperate for an answer. 

Your words bring a shocked look to his face, not from the question itself, no, your question is completely valid considering his actions, but because he doesn’t know how to answer. 

He finally reaches out and takes the gun from you, your fingers loosening their grip and your sobs slowly dying down a bit, a defeated look replacing it, “Why do you do this to me? All of it? Why the fuck did you make me fall in love with you?” 

He holds his head down, not daring to meet your gaze and look into your expecting eyes as you still await an answer. 

Is it from shame? Or that he doesn’t want to confront the consequences of his actions? You don’t know which one, but you guess the latter is probably true. 

“You d-don't... can you just hold me please?” you ask in utter desperation as you shut your eyes in shame of admitting defeat.

In no time, you feel a pair of strong arms wrap you in a warm embrace. 

And after all that he’s done to you, you still feel safe in his arms, even somehow... loved? Or something resembling that.

And you remember why you always keep crawling back to him as he tightens his arms around you.

And as much as you don't like to admit to yourself, you'd feel content if he would just pretend to love you.

yes im going through some stuff as you can tell :'(

[syscultureis]

Plural culture is I just dont get it...why do endos want to be this? and why do people think others want or are faking all of this? Plural culture is I cant LIKE anything anymore. Plural culture is even if im ACTIVLY TRYING to not split and to ignore it all and just keep on keeping on and pretend my system isnt there I STILL split. I cant sit down and enjoy my day because my brain will take SOMETHING, ANYTHING, NOT EVEN A PERSON SOMETIMES and if I got enjoyment or even suffering out of it then its just THERE now and a part of me is missing. Plural culture is missing parts of yourself, loosing a skill or talent you loved that shaped who you were, forgetting the faces and voices of your loves ones, getting your memories rewriten for you, blinking and missing days or sometimes years. And thats just MY experience as host! Others in my system having to live their lives in the backseat, never being able to have one of their own or feeling like their hole point of existence is to make me happy or make sure we dont die. Sometimes I see how tired and drained the protectors are, how strung out the care takers are, the gatekeepers putting on a brave face for the good of the system to make us feel like maybe at least ONE of us has SOME kind of control only to find out that even they dont know everything or have control over it all. I see alters who are dating in our system wish and beg for a body just so they can hold hands like normal. Or others still who have had relationships outside the system wish they had a body independent of this one to go and be with who they want and do whatever they want. Its NOT all suffering and disorder yes of course and thats so very valid but like...even the most well adjusted systems deal with flashbacks, triggers, panic attacks I mean for fuck sake its not just some fun game or even a coping skill! Id RATHER NOT split or disassociate to be able to cope! Honestly id MUCH RATHER do things myself then switch but unfortunately I simply CANT no matter how much I want to! I HATE how low our split tolerance is because SPLITTING ISNT FUCKING FUN even when its painless! Even when its so subtle you dont notice! Because you loose something, a memory, your feelings, your sense of self gets rocked off its balance and honestly sometimes not knowing a split happed is WORSE cause youll just randomly start feeling like your not you anymore with no explanation as to why! Its so frustrating to see a bunch of people emulate the "fun parts" of my disorder and then when I get RIGHTFULY upset and say "hey its not like that it actually kinda sucks" they turn around and emotionally manipulate a group of people who are NUTORIOUS for not being believed by saying "Well because no one believes you then you should believe me because everyone has a different brain so actually I say that you dont need to be traumatized and have any of the bad shit your talking about and I get to have all the cool parts of it and your trying to oppress me by not letting me in your spaces" like???? Okay, so sorry for the rant and talking about endos and systemcorse and all. Sometimes it just all seems so ridiculous to me. When I see people say "real systems arnt hurt by people faking DID" and like??? no??? dont fucking speak for me???? Like yes stop fakeclaiming but like no dont say endos arnt "real systems problem" like I guess in practice sure but no and also BIG NO cause enods directly HAVE caused me problems so no, fuck that.

.

[remcycl333]

Rem, I need a friend. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I mention it because I think this issue has to with my condition, and I don't know if I'm wrong but I read a post from you once where you said you had BPD and ADHD –correct me if I'm wrong– and I thought maybe you can understand me.

Anyways, my issue is, I struggle deciding what I want. Recently I had a situation with a guy, he has ADHD and him being forgetful, triggered me and had me begging for his attention. He was very kind and never reacted badly, but then he ghosted me, which triggered me again. My mind keeps telling me maybe it was his ADHD and maybe he now just feels guilty and feels like it's too late to answer (it's been weeks). I planned on texting him again but I don't want to fall into this dynamic.

I was thinking, "if I want to date him I should just go to the end and focus on that". Then I was like "Do I really want to date him?" Then I had another thought of "Maybe I should move on" and then "Wait, I actually do want to date him" and then "No, I just want validation" and then "Nope, I don't give a damn about validation he ain't even that good" and then "I do like him, maybe we should date" and then "I don't even want to have a conversation with him" and then "I want to know more about him" the point is, I always start a process of manifesting something and then the next day (sometimes not even a day) I want something else, and it's a mess because I end up manifesting NOTHING, only more frustration.

Tbh, if I wasn't triggered, I would 100% like to date him. I mean I met him 6yrs ago and liked him for months (we never talked but we were classmates in uni and he was super hot), then never saw him again until this year and when I saw him I was so happy and excited, and the crush I had on him resurfaced and it felt like a new chance to try. Until now that I am feeling so confused, and when it seems like I made up my mind, I then remember why I'm triggered and slip out again, and when I have "given up", I want him again, and it's exhausting.

omggg yes, i do have bpd and adhd and this was so crazy to read cuz it was like i was talking to my younger self! i went thru the EXACT same situation with my old sp. i manifested him back after he broke up with me (and before he broke up with me he'd forget to text me back all the time bc of his adhd) and it would trigger me so bad and i'd start doing the most outrageous things. and then when i was manifesting him back, i'd also constantly go from "fuck him im better than him" to "i want him so bad i need him" to "he's just gonna ignore me again i hate him" and then "no he's the love of my life" to "if he texts me im not even gonna respond bc he doesn't deserve me." and i was in a cycle of that for MONTHS. but like you said, i knew that if he had never rejected me in the first place (and therefore triggered me) i wouldn't have felt like that and i'd still want him and see him only in a positive light.

i think that what really helped me was just going straight to the end, like you said. whenever i'd start overthinking about whether or not i actually wanted him, i'd take some deep breaths and just go to my imagination and experience a reality where my sp never ignored me and he treated me how i wanted to be treated. i also reminded myself of how long i had wanted to be with him, and that when all was said and done, even if i had made up my mind that day that i didn't want to be with him anymore, the next day i would be upset about not being with him again. i wouldn't have been stuck in the cycle for so long if i didn't actually want to be with him. i was just feeling hurt and lashing out.

i also found comfort in knowing that i could create a new version of my sp where he was attentive and gave me the amount of attention i needed and wanted. i didn't want to manifest his adhd away or anything, but i wanted to create a version of him that was able to remember to reply to me lol. i knew that as long as i imagined my sp to be the version that i wanted, he wouldn't show up in my 3d as the old version anymore. the only way he could ignore me or ghost me again was if i imagined that he would. if i focused on the version of him that didn't, however, he never would! so whenever i felt worried or anxious that he'd do that again, i'd retreat to my imagination and experience the version of him that i wanted.

another thing that really helped me was to forgive him. i was always angry at him and imagining getting into arguments with him about our break up and imagining what i'd say to him when i manifested contact. but the thing about that was i was manifesting "the end", and the end was us already being in a relationship together. so if we were already in a relationship together, we would have already talked through our past issues and i already would've forgiven him. so i couldn't manifest us being happy together and forgiving him if i was constantly imagining scenarios where i hadn't already forgiven him. if that makes sense?

these thoughts still naturally popped up all the time. "what if he doesn't change" "what if he does it again" etc. and then when we were back in contact again, "what if i say something wrong and he stops replying" etc. but i just kept persisting, and every time my minded wanted to go back to scenarios like that, i'd shift back to my desired state and tell myself that we were already together and there was no reason to worry about stuff like that anymore.

anyway i hope this helped!! if u have more questions feel free to ask <3

[naxcoffe]

hello.

[this is going to be a bit long]

I just.....really want help now. I feel so desperate. I have been in the loa community for more than 2 and a half years now but i haven't even manifested a thing. Nothing. I have tried everything in the past like literally everything. I have been manifesting my dream life for the past 1 month and half by consciously using states, and yes i can confidently say that i have been maintaining my state of wish fulfilled.

In the past if you had asked me if i was actually being the person who has their dream life, there would have been almost 100% chance that i would have wavered and eventually accepted that i wasn't really being my ideal person. But i have been maintaining my desired state, with some few wavers here and there, but it has been good.

But i still can't conclude as to how my desires haven't materialized yet. I haven been spiralling so intensely from the past 2-3 days cuz of my 3d and the thought of passing another year without manifesting my dream life has been so mentally draining. I can't go one more year with being a failure. Despite many setbacks from the past 2 years i still have been maintaing my faith in the law and myself but now i feel like i wasn't even made for this. I don't get it. Have i been doing something wrong? Please, and this is very embarassing for me to say, because i am not used to sending asks to people to help me, but it would be really kind of you, if you gave me steps or advice in general so i can revise my life.

One more thing, i really really want the answer to. If you can, can you please tell me how to totally not want my desires in the 3d? People say that you never should want your desires in the 3d, that you should be satisfied by it in imagination, but i still don't feel satisfied despite always accpeting that imagination is the real reality. I really want to be free from the feeling of desire, so I would really appreciate if you helped me.

Thankyou.

Im manifesting my desired life for months and nothing has fucking happened.

share this to anyone who has any similar problem !!!

Listen, I understand your frustration and feelings of desperation. It can be disheartening when our desires don't seem to materialize, despite our efforts. I want to help you out because I’ve been there, I get every each one of your words!

 However, let me assure you that you are not alone in this experience, and there is still hope for you to manifest your dream life but you have to stop doing certain things.

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the progress you've made in maintaining your desired state and consciously using states of wish fulfilled. That is a significant step forward, and it shows your commitment and dedication to the law. Remember, persistence, faith and living in the end in the manifestation process.

————————————————————

Now, let's address your concerns about not manifesting your desires yet. It's important to examine your approach and mindset. Ask yourself if there are any underlying doubts or limiting beliefs that may be hindering your manifestations. Sometimes, despite our conscious efforts, our beliefs can sabotage our desires. Take time to reflect on any negative patterns or thoughts that might be interfering with your manifestation process.

In addition to self-reflection, I encourage you to practice self-love and self-compassion. Avoid being too hard on yourself or labeling yourself as a failure. Manifestation is a journey, and setbacks are a part of the process. Embrace the lessons and growth that come from these experiences. Stop conditioning yourself, is not helping you at all.

To understand myself I’d do these things:

1. Acknowledge your emotions: It's important to recognize and validate your emotions, including frustration, disappointment, or any other negative feelings that may arise when your desires don't manifest as quickly as you'd like. Instead of suppressing or denying these emotions, give yourself permission to feel them fully. Remember, it's natural to experience ups and downs on your manifestation journey.

2. Practice self-kindness: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a dear friend who is going through a challenging time. Replace self-criticism or self-blame with self-compassionate thoughts and words. STOP CRITICIZING YOURSELF!!! YOU’RE YOUR ONLY SAVIOR ! USE IT FOR GOOD!

3. Embrace imperfections: Understand that you are human, and imperfections are a part of the human experience.

4. Cultivate self-care: Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Engage in practices such as meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Don’t make the law and this manifestation your only happiness. Be content with the 3D in a way of flowing with it but accepting that imagination is the only reality and what you want is yours NOW.

5. Forgive yourself : please forgive any perceived past mistakes or perceived failures. Release any guilt or resentment you may be carrying. Holding onto past disappointments or self-judgment only hinders your progress. Allow yourself to move forward with a clean slate and a compassionate heart. YOU CAN’T MANIFEST SOMETHING NEW IF YOU STILL STAY IN THAT STATE OF BEING A FAILURE AND JUST BLAMING YOURSELF (when is not actually a failure because you always manifest but you’re manifesting the opposite, ITS A LAW IT ALWAYS WORKS)

When it comes to not wanting your desires to manifest in the 3D, it's important to find a sweet spot between desire and detachment.

While being overly attached and desperately longing for your desires can create resistance, it's natural to have aspirations and dreams. Instead of suppressing your desires, try shifting your perspective a bit.

Cultivate a deep sense of gratitude and contentment for the imaginative world you've created. Nurture a feeling of fulfillment within yourself, knowing that your desired reality already exists on a deeper, unseen level. YOUR ONLY JOB IS TO BE THAT PERSON IN IMAGINATION.

If you’re not the person who has it in imagination, guess what? Things will never come. Please FEEL that you have it without conditioning yourself!!

You aren’t any of the labels you put to yourself, you aren’t the states you occupy, you are consciousness. consciousness can occupy whichever state it desires, the one you really do desire, go within. do not put the focus on the 3d because it’s all coming from you, from the state you’re occupying. focus on going within and keep giving yourself what you do desire.

If you grasp the concept that you are consciousness itself, then it means your circumstances and past simply dissolve. I mean, think about it—how can God, who claimed to have it all, suddenly start noticing all the reasons why they can't have it? It just doesn't make sense

When you truly understand that you are the driving force behind your reality, you realize that there are no real obstacles. It's like being in the driver's seat of your life and deciding where you want to go. You have the power to shape your experiences and manifest your desires

If you're still stuck in that limited version of yourself, it's no wonder you've been waiting for ages or struggling to manifest what you want. Seriously, stop trying to chase things outside of yourself and start giving it to yourself!

Remember this quote:

nothing to change but self

————————————————————

It's crucial to understand that your focus shouldn't be on merely thinking that you have it in the 3D. Why? Because the truth is, THE 3D DOES’NT CREATE ITS FUCKING U! ( lmao sorry for the aggressiveness I’m inspired ) , yes, you who possess the creative power. So, shift your perspective and embrace the fact that you are the one who brings forth manifestations into the physical realm through your imagination and conscious creation.

Remember, manifestation is NOT solely about the external circumstances aligning with your desires. It's equally about inner transformation and aligning with the version of yourself who has already manifested those desires. Continue to embody the qualities, beliefs, and actions of your ideal self, and trust in the process.

Also take a break because you seem emotionally burn out from this, so please go and do things that make you feel good and then continue when you feel like “okay, I’m motivated now and be the person who has what I want” but when you feel ready because I feel like (like you told me) you feel awful so please take care of your emotions flow and rest from all this bullshit!

* 　. 　﹢　˖ 　✦ ¸ .　﹢　 ° 　¸. ° ˖ ･ ·̩　　 ｡　☆　　　ﾟ ＊ ¸ .　 ✦˖　 ° : ﹢ 　 ˖ . •　 .　﹢˖✦ * 　. 　﹢　˖ 　✦ ¸ .　﹢　 ° 　¸. ° ˖ ･ ·̩　　 ｡　☆　　　ﾟ ＊ ¸ .　 ✦˖　 ° : ﹢ 　 ˖ . •　 .　﹢˖✦ * 　. 　﹢　˖ 　✦ ¸ .　﹢　 ° 　¸. ° ˖ ･ ·̩　　 ｡　☆　　　ﾟ ＊ ¸ .　 ✦˖　 ° : ﹢ 　 ˖ . •　 .　

Alrighty then! I hope all this wisdom I've dropped has given you a kick in the right direction. It's time to take charge of yourself!

If you still have any burning questions or need some extra guidance, don't hesitate to slide into my DMs. I'm here to support you on your journey to manifesting your wildest dreams. 💙

and pls share this everyone cuz I kinda inspired myself on this

　

　

　

　

　

[hipsofsteel]

experiencing thoughts i just need to write down

in the intro/advanced playwriting combo class today, there was a gentleman who had a short piece about a 90 year old father who was no longer safe to be at home and what i have to assume was at least a mid-fifties son who is acting as primary caretaker while not living in the house

the father has refused to move into a care home, and the core of the piece was basically an argument that the son and father are having where the father insists hes absolutely fine and safe to be trusted driving, taking his own meds (whichs hes forgotten to do three days in a row), and having nightly fires in his house's fireplace.

the son is so frustrated with his father not even trying to take care of himself ("i set alarms on your phone so you'd remember to take your meds" "i wont use a phone you young people are too addicted to them, besides im fine after three days without them, i don't need them").

its clear that if there was a semblance of a good relationship ever existing between the father and son, it died when the son's mother went to the grave before her husband.

our professor was like "you can really sympathize with both men at different points in the narrative, especially since the son is being so aggressive at moments with his father", and all the class agreed.

except me, although i didn't say SHIT in class, because i was not ready to explain my emotions and years of trauma to eleven people randomly today

CONTINUED BELOW THE READ MORE

There is one aspect I can sympathize with. The loss of autonomy is terrifying to me in old age. on that, I felt for the father. its hard to go from family breadwinner to unable to move around your own home very safely, and being encouraged to give up even more autonomy by moving into a care home.

however, the class kept saying the son was being so aggressive and clearly something unrelated in his life was stressing him and he was taking it out on his father.

and all i could think was "none of you have incredibly emotionally abusive parents, do you?"

now, thats just an assumption im making. i don't know these people's home lives and familial relationships. but let me just say, i heard myself in that son. so loudly that i sent my sister a message we've sent each other over and over for years

"I hope dad dies before mom."

my dad's mother is still alive, and currently in a care home for the last eighteen months. she had a favorite son who could do no wrong among her five children. she also had a least favorite son who she, after the death of her husband, emotionally abused the shit out of.

that least favorite son was my dad.

my dad, even before his father's death, was emotionally abusive. and im so used to this bullshit from him that like, a part of me doesn't even consider him THAT emotionally abusive. yet this is a man who told me when i was in grade school that if i was crying about being bullied, then i deserved to be bullied. WHEN HIS FATHER WAS STILL ALIVE

so, since 2009, when my grandfather died, my father has taken out every frustration his mother shoved on him onto my sister and me. and my mother has repeatedly told us to swallow our tongues. we cant defend ourselves because "your grandma is really upsetting him, and he just needs to blow off steam"

i was repeatedly told my emotions were not as valid as his.

this was repeated when he became an alcoholic. i had a standing recommendation for therapy from the trauma he was giving me over my entire life, and mom said "you cant go to therapy until your dad gets sober". and the sad thing is, i feel like the last major lull in my dad's emotional abuse was when he WAS drinking. sometimes, i fucking miss those days, even though I had to act like a primary caretaker to him during those days.

my mother even to this day describes my father as "her cross to bear", but every occupant of this house is bearing him, and it makes me so mad because again, its saying "your emotions don't matter"

in the play scene, after the father all but forces his son to admit that taking care of him is a stressful burden by all but shoving the words into his mouth, the father openly throws in his sons face "oh, if im such a burden, why do you keep caring for me?" and the son goes "because i promised my mother i would, and YOU taught me promises meant something." and the father goes "well, clearly not. you don't give a shit about promises if you wont let me live how i want to live"

and that filled me with such deep seated rage, because my classmates kept saying how you could tell the son had something UNRELATED going on in his life to make him yell at his father the way he was, and i was internally screaming "THIS FATHER IS MY FATHER AND THE SON IS ME AND ITS NOT UNRELATED, ITS YEARS OF BUILDING RESENTMENT AS YOU'RE TREATED LIKE GARBAGE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN"

there is so much hate and love fused together in my soul at the man i call father already. so much resentment and anger that has to live alongside the rarer and rarer moments he shows me kindness and compassion. and if he lives as long as his mother has managed, i have over 30 more years of this anger to build on.

my grandmother has never apologized to my father, and her memory's so bad now that i know she never will. and I know my father will do the same to me. he treats all the other residents of the house like hysteric harpies who should never be listened to because we're just dumb emotional women. when my grandmother dies, my father will not be able to say anything nice at her funeral. i, at age 25, already know i will not be able to say anything nice at his.

and now, im left holding the bag that this piece dredged up out of my soul. its ugly, and screaming, and i was unprepared to look at it today despite 100% knowing it was there and looking at it before. and yet, there it is. dumped back into my lap once more.

and im left with one terrible prayer, a sort of inevitable conclusion

I hope my dad dies before my mom.

[intergalactic-chameleon]

;-;

crying a little bc im sad that my body is not tall and broad but instead short and small. i know one day i’d like to get into working out so that at least i can build up more physical strength, particularly upper body. but until then i just feel tiny and meek.

also it fucks with me when people tell me that despite my (lack of) height i have “tall energy.” like in a way it’s validating but in another way it also kind of stings, like i can imitate the feeling but i’ll never know what it’s like to actually be able to stand in a room and take up physical space in the way that i want. and by extension, everything else about me feels so miniature; my hands are small, my feet are small, my nose is small, my shoulders are small, my torso/frame is small. all proportional, but still: small!!

i know that “tall energy” is mostly just assertive confidence but actually having the height to back it up is sooo much more desirable and it just. nfjffjfhfhj. god. it fucks with me. wish there was literally anything else besides that stupid leg breaking surgery that could make me physically taller. it sucks caring so much about something like my height !!!

this has been a thing that has bothered me majority of my life and now more recently ive getting pangs of jealousy when i compare myself to attractive men that i wanna look like. they’re tall, have broad shoulders, and big noses, so comparatively im like a teeny tiny little guy. and while there are many perks to being a cute pixie boy, i just WISH i knew what it felt like to be a larger, more ‘masculine’ body.

and tbh it’s not totally all about my height, it’s that my body isnt, like, traditionally masculine in any way, so the fact i dont even have the height to kind of compensate for my “lack” of “bodily masculinity” just gnaws at me. my big tits dont exactly help either, but if my body felt bigger and stronger i maybe wouldnt care as about having a flat chest as much as i do now… just frustrating

[jaeger-pups]

omegaverse!Zekeren : a touchy disagreement?

Z: look I understand if you're mad but you're being reckless at this point

Z: Answer your damn phone, Eren

Z: think. you're by yourself out there

E: I AM thinking! I just need some air, fuck

Z: You left almost three hours ago

E: so fucking what? Stop texting me

E: in case screening your calls isn't making it clear, I do not want to speak to you

E: either of you.

E: I can't believe you actually agreed w/ him

Z: for what it's worth, I genuinely didn't think i was picking a side. Or that it'd upset you this much

Z: Grisha made a valid point though

Z: whether you see it or not

E: See WHAT?? you and dad are NEVER on the same page

E: about ANYTHING!

E: you couldn't have picked a worst stance to get behind

Z: what, that you're not like typical omegas?

Z: I didn't agree w/ that to insult you

E: yea but that's what HIS whole aim was, I bet

E: to make me feel like shit🙄

E: really could've left my gender out of it

E: it's always a cheap shot idc

E: "dOnT yOu ThInK iT'll Be DiFFiCuLt FoR yOu To FiNd An AlPhA wHo'LL pUt Up wItH a TeMpEr LiKe YoUrS?"

E: "hOnEsTlY, eReN. yOu sHoUlDnT sPeAk To AlPhAs LiKe ThAt. YoU mAkE yOuRsElF a TaRgEt."

E: he's always making me out to be fucking different

E: like it's a bad thing

E: what if I don't WANT to be like other omegas?

E: what if I don't CARE what Alphas think of me?

Z: It's just complicated, little brother

Z: honestly I think Grisha's just concerned about you

E: ugh, what fucking world do we live in where you're suddenly willing to VOUCH for him?

E: this feels sexist af why are you not on my side?

Z: I am on your side, ffs Eren! I just agreed w him about your temper. Even I’VE told you to be more careful. Have I not?

Z: you need to come back home. I gave Carla my word i wouldn't leave before you got back

Z: or that I'd go out and find you if you took too long

E: I'm still annoyed

E: I probably need like another half hour or something out here at least

Z: How far did you storm off?

E: far enough where I could rage in peace?😒

Z: It's getting dark out.

E: mhm.

Z: Eren.

E: I mean are you trying to persuade me? Or is this more of a command-thing?

Z: I wouldn't command you. You know that.

E: not that you couldn't. 😒

Z: I wouldn't is what I said. I couldn't do that to you.

E: cus I'm an omega.

Z: well... yes. That's part of it.

E: see? Now there YOU go doing it

E: reducing me to my God damn gender

E: I can defend myself, yknow. I don't need anyone hovering over me in case I make myself anymore "undesirable" 😑

Z: no one said you're undesirable, Eren

E: it's close enough. The way HE gets on my case, at least 🙄

E: you have no idea how hard it is, Zeke

E: like no idea. It's so much simpler to be an Alpha. Or a Beta.

E: at least no one undermines your thoughts or opinions. Or makes you feel like your sole purpose is submission & pleasing everyone else.

Z: I know I can't understand. But I hear you.

E: it gets so fucking frustrating

E: he acts like I fucking chose this or something.

E: I'm more pissed at him than at you honestly

E: cus its just like... constantly w/ him.

Z: yeah.

E: you know what I mean?

Z: ...Yeah. yes, actually.

E: right, so... idk.

E: i don't hate being an omega. It's not like... unbearable. Dangerous and annoying sometimes but.

E: dad just... makes me feel like I do it wrong or something. HE’S not even an omega, so it's like how tf can he tell me how to handle it? How to behave, even.

Z: Sorry for not realizing it was a sore subject

E: it's fine ig.

E: I mean at least you guys agreed on something for a change

E: I'm trying to get better w/ my temper too. He just never notices when im doing pretty good

E: cus even though I think it's performative...

E: I mean... I can talk less. And do chores. And cook; clean.

E: I can be an omega the way people expect.

E: I'm not different on purpose.

Z: you're perfect.

Z: Grisha's just always had this tunnel vision w his expectations for his kids

Z: you don't have to meet anyone's standards but your own tho

Z: Carla and Grisha just worry.

E: yea I know.

Z: you still have to be careful out here too, though.

E: ...I know. Sorry i ran off.

E: I'm coming back now. Mom's probably thinking the worst.

Z: well you're not wrong lol. She was able to relax when i told her you were finally responding to me

E: ok. Could you meet me halfway? It is pretty dark out.

Z: 😏 started walking maybe five minutes ago.

E: lucky you're so intuitive, huh? Lol do you even know where I am?

Z: I'll find you, trust me

E: right, cus you're an Alpha? Must be nice😮‍💨

Z: bc I'm your brother. I could find you in my sleep

E: still. Must be nice being able to depend on instincts that aren't almost exclusive reminders to 'submit, cower and please'😕

Z: can't imagine.

E: ikr. I'm omw tho.

Z: alright. I'll meet you in the middle.

Z: stay on the trail though.

E: yeah yeah, big brother. I hear you. "Good omegas are indoors before the streetlights are on" and all. I know, I know.

Z: lol where'd you hear that?

E: Aunt Faye.

Z: haven't heard from her in a little while. Since New Years, I think

E: she talks to mom a lot. Asks about you, too

Z: I'll have to call and check in.

E: yea. but come get me first :<

Z: lol of course. i'm coming.

[agi-ppangx]

well i AM blaming, bc I get to bc they shove it in my face just bc they want more exposure. if you don’t want to be shamed online, then think a bit about the others your work can affect. i get really angry when I see nsfw accounts complaining about being rejected or shamed but the only truth is that they’re playing victims. we (asexuals, minors and just people who don’t like smut) should be able to avoid those type of things. we understand that it’s a form of art, we get it, and that’s why we block the smut tags, and still, every once in a while I keep getting smut on my tl bc miss karen simons didn’t feel like writing “skz smut” on it. if you want to be respected, respect others before. so, I guess all I want to say is that when your account gets taken down from all the people who clicked “does it need a content warning”, don’t get whiny, because it was your knowing actions that made the people in your fandom angry. do better, sympathize for the fucking minority; because let’s be fucking real, kpop is full of horny ass people (nothing bad with it) and there’s a ridiculous amount of nsfw out there, where it reaches a point where the anti smut readers are the weird ones; and tag your fucking fics correctly.

really sorry if you didn’t want to read this at all, but since we’re talking about this topic and I feel like this is something a lot of people needed to hear, I couldn’t keep myself silent. apologies

noo, dont apologize !! you have a strong opinion, but its valid. i cant really relate to minors/asexual people since im not one of either of them, but i can imagine its very frustrating when you accidentally read smut

also i agree with the part about the fact that nsfw writers should properly tag their fics, its completely okay if you write smut, but please act like a decent human being and put a huge red warning “nsfw below the cut, minors mdni”, its just beneficial for both writers and readers

[loverbeasts]

i keep on trying to distract myself but i cant escape the feeling that i have nowhere safe to just vent and be frustrated for a minute. i always need to be fixed so i stop complaining. i can never just be upset for a minute and let it pass at my own pace. and maybe i could get that luxury from people if i gave a disclaimer before saying anything that says "hey, I'm upset about this thing and id appreciate a listening ear but not solutions" but i can never remember to do that, especially if im in a bad headspace, and if i did, itd still make me seem like a massive asshole for refusing help. and its not even something i have a right to be upset about!! its literally the opposite of a problem to have people who want to help me and i just. cant fucking take it for some reason. why are my needs so fucking complicated and so fucking annoying

sometimes i just need my stupid feelings validated for a minute so i stop feeling like I'm insane. but maybe i am insane and thats why i cant get any validation. all anxiety i ever have are met with "no way, thats ridiculous because xyz". and I'm not asking for "yeah youre totally right" but maybe just the occasional "i dont think thats true but i can understand why it feels that way to you"

[fxirybun]

are there really multiple physical versions of ourselves? not just dopplegangers but u could be different to how u currently are but this version of me seems the only version and it sucks cause i feel like people dont know how to reciprocate what i expect them too if im upset at them they dont like it if im happy they also dont like it if i remember something someone did guess what? they dont want to remember their past behaviours.

so i feel like sometimes this is the only version of reality there is because I havent seen anyone be any different and I have kinda been stuck in this reality because ppl dont want me to thrive cause no matter what I try nothings been a success for me thus far. so im wondering now if theres another reality where I mightve had more success or maybe different type of parenting where they couldve had more empathy lmao it seems a common theme in people lacking basic understandings of problems they cause for others that still affect others later on. i often am told to just "get over something" yh bc they have such a great social circle but i dont. sorry for ranting but im stuck and i dont feel comfortable reaching out to people in current times cause i feel like many folk are mainly fragile egoists who only want to benefit themselves. they dont care if they hurt someone or prevent an opportunity or make it about themselves. have u had such experiences?

that reminded me of the egg theory that i stumbled upon on tiktok. we can't expect someone to treat us fairly these days since most of the time they'll usually focus on themselves whilst they can and would do anything to take advantage of someone in order for them to gain something.

i came to a realization back in middle school that people will only treat you poorly if you degrade or underestimate yourself. i remember letting myself be secluded from my peers due to my low self-esteem and how it reflected it based on how i showed myself outside. this led others to assume that i'm shy or weak which was considered a "bad image" during that time. because of it , i ended up receiving poor treatment and just like you i feel frustrated since i didn't do anything wrong to them.

when i decided to change myself and did it the other way around that's when i'm receiving the treatment that i've wanted: to be respected. there would be an instance wherein i cannot keep up with the persona i made outside my small bubble since i'm an introvert at heart and i tend to be an awkward person. when i'm with someone alone it would be dead silence unless there's another person around who knows how to start a topic. it bothered me at first but i got used to it due to me embracing this side of myself.

did i regret doing it ? not at all since i know how to balance it + i get to recharge my social battery once i'm in my room. humans are known to be social creatures and cannot stand alone , i learned it the hard way. this is one of the reasons why i socialize with everyone because it's hard to be by yourself especially in times when you need help. moreover , you also get to meet other groups of people who are on the same vibration as you along the way ^_-

to conclude , there's still a way to change the version of yourself in this reality ! if i can do it , then so can you ⸜( ◜࿁◝ )⸝ there's a trial and error on my part but that didn't stop me from committing it because i don't want to live in this vicious cycle. i also learned back when i was 14-15 ish that i'm the only person who can help myself and that i cannot rely too much on someone in other situations. it is my problem that i need to face , not theirs since they're not obligated to it + they have their share of problems too that they need to take care of.

i ended up not giving a fuck as to what people may think of me because , at the end of the day , i'm the only one who knows myself better. thank you for sharing how you currently feel anon and hopefully my food for thought made you feel valid or provided you some kind of comfort or such ∩(´∀`∩)

[iincoherentthoughts]

things i struggle with

trust trust that she can love me even when im away trust that she'll be loyal to me even when im away trust that she still knows why she's even with me even when im away trust that she'll never leave me even when the problem isnt that big a lot of times im reminded how it was always her who wanted to leave.

3 times. in 5/6 months she wanted to leave me but i always begged.

now im scarred with the feeling, the idea, that its only a matter of time before she find a reason to want to leave again

i dont want to tell her how much its still affecting me i dont want her to feel that were hopeless and long gone i dont want het to feel that shes powerless bc she has to take in everythigng i say to her i dont want to tell her how much it still pains me every time im reminded she, the one i love, played a food out of me who lied to me who met up with someone im threatened the most while i was sound asleep, giving all my trust in her who offered to get them as soon as i left who made me feel like i was having an actual confrontation with them but shes actually intervening who lied about someone being a witness to all that theyve done, turns out it was all just the two of them she fucked me up while saying she loves me she ran to someone else when i was willing to run in the rain for her she broke the big ones and keeps breaking the small ones the small promises the pinky promises that means the world to me but now lost its meaning i dont even want to use it anymore it keeps getting broken stupid shit like her promising to take a shower with me then later changing her mind its like the word "promise" means nothing to her i keep breaking and i keep hurting and i keep running out of trust to give i dont know how to help myself i really try to talk myself out of the thoughts im having but every stupid thing triggers me when shes out with her friends when shes out with her family when shes not replying when normally she should be when her chat is a little off and only sending one word replies when she posts a picture of herself when were not okay when she talks to her old flings when shes with someone alone when shes in school when i dont see her when i dont see who's behind her camera when im not physically with her no i havent caught her again with anything yet thats very good but my thoughts are telling me what if shes just gotten so much better at hiding? and i try to tell myself, no, theres no way she loves me, she said she could never do such a thing again since she saw how much it broke me. besides, she does things for me, she prepares my food, she took me out on my bday.. shes fine shes good then my minds like, shes doing all those things so u forget about it, so u forgive her and she can feel better about herself nahh, shes not like that, she said if she doesnt want me, shell just leave. i fight with myself its frustrating to fight with myself to invalidate my own feelings at the same time, they werent really even valid to begin with

when i feel something, i try not to bring it up because im afraid it will turn into a fight and ill just end up to be the one whos sorry

she always make me feel stupid everytime she gives up "explaining" something to me

she makes me feel not worth her while when she says "never mind" or "forget about it" when i try to calmly call her out on something, shed ask "huh when did i ever do/say that? show me?" but i have no proof. and i have no exact "sample" so ill be like, okay im sorry, maybe im creating shit in my head when shes acting up like showing attitude (maybe just wanting me to baby her) it almost always triggers the "shes gonna leave me she dont love me no more" alarm. its so stupid. i hate myself for it i fucking hate how sensitive i am how i easily cry at stupid things i fucking hate it i hate my life i hope i run out of tears i hope i run out of breath

[dumbbitchfrommars]

"princess diana"

why is my making an effort to look and feel pretty, when i am in a low place, trying to break away and distract myself from the seemingly endless stress and turmoil my life is right now, exactly WHY is that such a fucking crime?

why is it that i feel like such a caricature of a woman when i make an effort to feel in touch with my feminine side? why does it feel like an overcompensation, an oversaturated and overdone attempt at hiding behind a costume? why when i look at my sisters in their many different states of being, does it all seem so effortless, when all i want is to feel like myself, like my best, like im beautiful too.

why is it such a crime to want that feeling of security and safety for myself?

i am completely afraid of going on this trip and having to face my true self, to be vulnerable with a person i dont trust and avoid completely, to know that everyone sees the block that i have in me and how pathetic it is that i can barely break through. like they all clearly have. because theyre all so fucking emotionally grown.

apparently i hide behind my maturity to avoid my wounded inner child.

all of the sudden im walking around with a target on my back.

maybe i was too quick to stop seeing my psychologist?

cause right now all i feel is rage and frustration and pain. because i really do feel like im alone, and no one including myself can make me feel safe. yet all i have ever done is try to make everyone else feel safe in my presence. when will this energy be returned to me?

why is it such a crime to ask for these things for myself? why am i so unworthy? because i dont have a fucking second to be alone when its all i fucking crave from life? for the past month all i have wanted was a second to return to myself. to workout again, to do yoga again, to go for a walk with myself again, to appreciate the lovely little beauties in life that only i can share with myself because there is no one else like me. to see from the perspective that i lost and quickly became more and more restricted the more i felt in survival mode. trying to rush to get every task done. every task that no one else would ever do.

right now it feels like no one truly appreciates the uniqueness of who i am. they just see all my flaws and weaknesses. i guess trying is not good enough, i guess something has to change.

somethings gotta give.

my best change comes from distancing myself from external energies when i come to these roadblocks and uncomfortable feelings within me, but it seems like distance could be a hard thing to reach at the moment.

even the fucking cat doesn't like me.

nobody likes me when im miserable.

its the cold hard truth.

nobody likes you when youre miserable.

sorry! dont like you. good luck with your depression and anxiety. youre on your own now.

i understand in a sense, not having the time or patience for it. i feel like maybe when you reach that plateau of spiritual growth you do tend to step up on the pedestal above all the puny, pathetic undeveloped non-spiritual folk.

what makes them any different to me in this scenario?

not nice being the one below looking up huh.

the difference between me and the people who i cut off - people i slowly distanced myself away from and never once was hurtful or bullied, just genuinely stop resonating with and took the step back from - is that i am making an active effort to try become better.

but apparently my own timing doesnt work for you. apparently my process doesnt look like yours and therefore is not valid. and so i become the butt of a joke that im not laughing at. or i am... because im a people pleaser.

fuck my life.

am i not allowed this one moment? this one reprieve from the shittiness of my situation at the moment to be completely and annoyingly drained, pathetic and enraged? is that not allowed anymore????? let me fucking live my life! this was my first day off in god knows how long, and i still ended up with a schedule jammed full of plans to run around doing things for other people!

im supposed to be writing my FUCKING THESIS!!!

my fucking fucking fuckoubgrafubnbge thesis .

AND OF COURSE TO TOP IT ALL OFF MY DUMBASS COWORKER OVERCHARGED ME WHEN I CAME IN SPECIFICALLY BUYING A PRODUCT FOR THE FUCKING DISCOUNT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING APPLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh.

its so exhausting to carry all these pent up emotions around with me. like a child. a child who doesnt know what to do with it all because its too big.

the most hurtful thing to me is that no one shares my unconditional love and adoration for all small humans and animals. especially dogs. even the ones who claim to be the closest to me, my best friend, sisters. to not share it, to not even acknowledge it in me, to reject that part of me. to judge that part of me. who the fuck do you think you are? claiming to love me and not see that side of me. to not want to see it. to ignore it. to reject it...

some part of me... i think its my inner child. its a part of my inner child. but not me when i was little... me when i was bigger, but still little. she wants me to sit it out tomorrow. to leave myself out to send the message that im hurt, and im angry, and i dont want anything to do with people who hurt me. that they have done something wrong, and should know that something is wrong, but i wont tell them why.

then theyll ask me what happened, and ill say nothing even though its something. and hold onto that pent up resentment until the next thing goes wrong.

or i tell them, and its explosive, and messy, and poorly executed, and very well mean the end of the relationship in its entirety. all for a small moment that triggered an insecurity in me.

god im so sensitive. im so sensitive but no one wants to see it. no one wants to acknowledge it. because my walls are so far up that i wont let them. and when they notice... well. i guess it doesnt matter.. because ive been hiding so long. im always hiding. whenever it shows, its rejected. i keep feeling so rejected. what the fuck is going on with me...

i feel like a pathetic child.

im hurt.

im tired, im exhausted, im burnt out, ive overextended myself, all i want is for things to be light and fun again but it feels like it never will be. it feels like it wont get better in time for the trip or the festival. it feels like im gonna let everyone down. it feels like im just one huge disappointment.

what happened to not taking things personally?

i keep thinking that to myself. but thinking it and embodying it are two different things. im repeating the words to myself like a whisper in the background, as i watch myself continue to fall deeper into this despair of "why me?" like a viewer behind a TV screen.

i actually have noticed ive been disassociating a lot more than usual lately. im just mentally checked out. i wish i could just... disappear somewhere. somewhere totally isolated where i could be by myself. maybe ill get that at the festival. maybe what i feared, being abandoned, will be exactly what i need. to just float in the water and stare at the sky for as long as i need to forget all my problems.

i dont know whats going on with me now but i just hope its over soon. i hope its over before it gets bad enough for me to revert to my old ways. i just want to be okay again. i just want to feel safe again, and to not be afraid, and to not be angry, and to be in love with life again. to be in love with myself, to accept myself, to not hate myself, to not be angry with myself, to not feel like its all coming apart, to not feel like im doing it all wrong when im giving it my all.

[campgender]

Yes! Just! Like oh good lord, jesus, yes! Ik u havent even had time 2 respond 2 the rest of my ask (understandable, I am Also nothin if not long winded), & here Im already adding more 2 the pile, but! Ok I didnt wanna like, b 2 presumptuous abt exactly Y it felt like we’re parallel (waves! Hi!) but I also totally was thinkin abt stuff like ‘Im subby af & I think its 4 sure A Factor cuz idk abt Mac but I get the feeling ze is decidedly Less So’ & then u said high femmedom & it was like yes! 1/4

Hello! (Sidenote, ace/stone/sub/bottom combo means I took a Comically long time 2 figure out that those 1st 2 traits werent just extensions of the 2nd 2 lol) Stone resonance, I love that, omigosh. & I think thats exactly where the parallel gets so interesting, w/ the allergy friendly cake (ur talking 2 a fellow ‘I cant eat anything’ celiac here), cuz that ‘Asking 2 much’,

4 me its like, I feel like Im still v much reeling & relishing in the freedom/fear mix of like, submissive acts ofservice r still Acts Of Service & u can b uncomfy w/ them, or even just U Can B Uncomfy W/ Shit, Period, like w/o the need 2 ‘Make up 4 it’, so the idea of sum1 getting off on those boundaries is like, not Bad, but it feels like it kinda undercuts these still v new & healing ideas 4 me, ykno? Like I need it 2 b ok even when no 1 is conveniently in2 it.

& ofc this is me talking on a personal level, like I absolutely Get wanting ppl 2 b in2 it & I love that 4 u, omg. <3 Also that last paragraph, holy shit, I want that, like, on a shirt or embroidered on smth, omg. If this is a disease I sure hope its sexually transmitted, I mean goddamn! Hopefully Im not monopolizing ur inbox lol, but u continue 2 b a poet & a delight. <3 -Baby

omg thank youuu this was, as always, lovely to receive & truly so so validating. that’s the first time anyone has said i have dom vibes & it genuinely makes me tear up 🥺💓💓 also omg stone celiac solidarity!!! <33 that’s so exciting & truly makes me feel like someone out there Gets It

i absolutely feel & affirm smashing the perceived need to “make up for” something to smithereens, that makes a ton of sense & definitely resonates with feelings / needs from a given sexual interaction that i kinda fluctuate in & out of these days. i’m proud of you for doing your best to honor yourself & your boundaries & wish you so much love on this journey!!

& tyyy omg, you’re a delight & i appreciate hearing your thoughts & experiences so much!! also thrilled you appreciated my high femmedom verbiage lol, a fun mac fact is my favorite porn genre in my early 20s was vids that involved a woman getting a guy off without touching him, particularly cbt & getting off on her shoe. & now i’m looking back at that like babe u were sooo oblivious oh my god

like so much of my sexual journey rn is looking at my past self & zyr desires & being like “guess what, you can just do that.” it’s a process that’s baffling + frustrating + deeply pleasurable, & i’m interested to see what other connections remain for me to make. i’ve been keeping a journal of sorts to try to trace these themes with the hope of doing more of what i enjoy in my life

a different thought i’ve been turning over lately & wanted to share with you is how my particular experience of stone + domming + disability troubles the concept of what it means to top someone. like, guys have told me how to fuck myself & i’ve told people how to fuck themselves, & the former were tops or vers who considered that an act of topping me whereas i’m high femme, & the only difference is they wanted it to be their cock rather than my toy whereas i wouldn’t want anything different if i was with someone in person.

so it’s like, is the fantasy what constructs this act differently? the omnipresence of my boundaries? i don’t think there’s a single answer, it’s just fascinating. obv some people don’t consider virtual sex acts to be fucking at all, which i love how my disability + stone + denial challenges bc again, i can fuck someone without touching them in person, too lol

as always thank you for so much food for thought + sense of community!! hope ur doing well, all the best to you 💓💓

[nicolespeaks]

The unfairness and inconsistency is bold. I disagree with it so strongly and that's all I try to make him understand.

Yes I had sex with Marcus without a condom. I still got condoms, asked for permission to have sex. I was still trying to be respectful to him. I always respected him.

He's never let Markus go and he's punished me for it. I can't make things bigger than they are and take reality but he can. He brought his feelings into it instead of just letting go. I felt shamed. I felt insecure in my sexuality. I felt like it was wrong to feel good by any other man but him. It was forceful. It was wrong.

On top of all of his other sexual problems, I was fucked up good by him. He says sex is just sex for people to get off but I can't get off anyone other than him. I've forced myself into a state where I don't feel good from sex, I forcefully detach myself in respect to him. Yet the sex he has isn't a big deal, it's just sex.

Out of respect of myself, I have to block that off with him. In order to move forward, I have to keep myself separated from him in some way. I get a little frustrated, I don't feel like having sex with him at all. I don't want to give him that.

He says things weren't that bad and I distort my perspective to make myself more miserable. Yes, I do do that sometimes, but I know when something is fucked up and incomprehensible for me that I have no choice but to distort my perspective.

I was loyal and respectful and I made myself pure to not become a slut cause I didn't want him to not like me anymore. I worshipped him and gave him everything he wanted yet he constantly stopped and shamed me for wanting the same. I can't have emotional connection with sex but he can. He says it's different for men, why? Why is that more valid for him than it is for me? And he wants me to get over my feelings and stop being hurt over old shit, but he doesn't have to do the same?

He is not respectful towards me. He's never respected sex with me, I never felt respected. How can I move forward and strive to be me, when I sacrifice a part of myself with a person who doesn't respect me? Why would I allow myself to be in those conditions?

I can't cheat. I can't lie. I can't hide things from him. I can't go backwards and make mistakes in vengeance. I can only move on, as that's the better thing to do. I can only be myself and forgive him for treating me unfairly, and I can only block him from this part of myself as he doesn't deserve to see that part of me.

I can't not talk about sex with ish. I cannot bring him into the room. Im keeping it locked and I won't unlock it until I feel right to do so. And that's valid. That's respectful to myself.

Sex. My mental health. My trauma. Those are the doors I need to keep locked, so only I know what's inside. And I will not let him push me into unlocking that door.

And I'll be better in myself. I won't be condescending. I won't be unloving. I want punish him, beat him down with my words and actions. I won't hold this against him and our relationship. That's not kind. That's not me. I won't treat him lesser than me. I won't hurt him because I feel hurt.

These are the boundaries I can rightly have. This is the care I can give to myself. And I'm string to do that. I'm beautiful to love myself this way.

We seem very similar me and her. We have the same thoughts and ideas about things, and we have the opposite thoughts and ideas about things. She's done things to hurt me. She's never apologized, never admitted wrong. She may seem cool but she's not a kind person to have in my life.

And I can lock her out to. It feels scary, it feels difficult, but I can do it. I don't have to keep opening the door hoping she'll come inside. I don't have to peel like a mouse at her door to figure out how I should make my room. I don't have to do that. I don't need to do that. I can dislike Her. I can blame her for the things she's done. I can hold her accountable for her mistakes. I don't have to pin everything against me and ish because I find her similar or I have issues. She's a person just like me, just like everyone to me, and I can treat her like that.

Keeping her out is harder because the pain is different. The mountain of trauma. But I can't push the door closed. I'm strong, I can do it. And once it's closed, she's out forever. I don't have to let her hurt me anymore.

Ish is a good man. He also has his flaws and mistakes. I am a beautiful woman. I have my flaws and mistakes. We can't be perfect. We won't be perfect. We are human and this is life. Trying to be perfect is inhumane and redundant against all our natural drives as human beings. I can be human. He can be human. And that's the only thing we can be.

[taestefully-in-luv]

Always You | JJK (Eight-Part 1)

Summary: you and Jungkook have been best friends since freshmen year of college, there’s a lot of unsaid feelings and tension but neither make a move. what happens when his friend Taehyung (also your crush) needs a fake girlfriend?

Pairing: Jungkook x Female reader

Genre: friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, slight slow burn, roommate au, college au, SMUT (starting ch2), fluff, angst (in later chapters) slight crack, lots of drama

Word Count: 11.5k (part 1)

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol consumption, sexual tension (!!!), mentions of sex, oc struggles with her future, mentions of vibrator, mentions of cum eating, dirty talk, vaginal fingering, oral (female receiving), masturbation, swallowing

Notes: I am having to post this chapter in two parts, I am so sorry about that! But here it is!! Hope you guys enjoy this chapter:) feel free to send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or just want to chat about the story:) I LOVE talking with ya’ll!

Taglist: @mooniyooni @thisartemisnevermisses @giadalin @kookiebunny097 @cosmosjk @moonchild1 @just-jeon @anpanman-sonyeondan @starlight-night0 @yessii-i @apollukee @mikasaredscarf1 @kaye-rosales @bunnyjeonjk @dyriddle @aclowe13 @bishuthot @271101 @seagulljk @hass-mich-los @peachy-skz0325 @wonusbitch @not-your-lion @flowersgirl02 @justinetingball @fiantomartell @fairysunooo @taebae19

© taestefully-in-luv

Previous ---- Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September

“What about this one?” You hold up another birthday banner, showing Vanessa yet another option.

“Ugly.” She says.

This is the fourth fucking birthday banner you’ve shown her and she doesn’t approve of any of them. But you have to admit this one is a little ugly.

“Vanessa…” you groan out, getting very obviously frustrated.

“I like this one.” She points to a banner. The very first one you showed her.

“Seriously?” you grab the banner and place it in your cart. “Okay, we still have to pick up the cake at 3. And we need to make sure we have enough plates for everyone…oh! We also still have to pick up the bottles at the liquor store.”

“I can get the cake.” She replies smoothly.

“We can just go together?”

Today is Jungkook’s birthday and you and Vanessa have been (Kind of) texting throughout the last week trying to find a good day to meet up. The day happened to be today of all days, so you’re feeling quite rushed.

“Fine.” Vanessa picks at her cuticles, just standing here looking gorgeous.

You on the other hand…were not expecting this to be a fashion show! You’re in shorts and a t shirt while she wears a flowy green dress and sandals.

“I want to be the one to present his cake to him though,” Vanessa begins, her eyes never leaving her fingers, “I am his girlfriend after all.”

You hate that your chest tightens at her words, you hate how her words affect you like this, how she affects you like this. Just being in her presence alone makes your heart twist.

“Got it.” You place some birthday plates in the cart, “So…what did you get him for his birthday?” you try to make conversation.

“A cologne.”

“You know he’s sensitive to smells—”

“He likes this one.”

“Oh.”

“I know him better than you think y/n.” her smooth voice cuts you like a butcher knife.

You nod your head, not knowing what to say. Maybe she does. But like, you still know him better right? You got to, right?

“What about you?” Vanessa lifts her eyes to meet yours, her eyes are small and dark and inviting.

“Uh, to be honest…I’m meeting with Jimin after this so we can go shopping for his gifts. So, I don’t know yet but I have an idea.”

“And what’s your idea?” her eyes go back down to her nails that she keeps picking at.

“Friendship bracelets.” You state.

“Hm.” Vanessa pushes the cart forward and walks towards the isle with candles. “We still need nice candles for the cake.”

“Right.”

~~~~~~~

“It couldn’t have been that bad, babe.” Jimin holds up a plain black hoodie and nods approvingly. “Another one for his collection, what do you think?”

“Looks like something I’d steal, so yes.” You give him a quick thumbs up, “And it was bad dude. She’s so hard to talk to!”

“Yeah, I could see that.” Jimin stands in front of a full body length mirror and checks himself out, pushing his hair out of his face. “Forehead or no forehead, tonight?”

“Hmm, no forehead.”

“Forehead it is.”

“Wow, you never listen to me!”

Jimin chuckles wholeheartedly, shrugging his shoulders like he agrees with you.

“So, where are these bracelets you keep going on about?”

“That one weird shop buy the smoothie place has these cute bracelets with letters for names on them! I was thinking I could get him a black one with my initial on it and I would get myself one with his initial.”

“You guys are so…that’s cute I guess.” Jimin giggles, he holds up his wrist as if imagining himself with the bracelet. “I want one too!” he whines.

“Maybe for your birthday.” You wink. “Anyway, do you think Vanessa knows Jungkook better than me?”

Jimin stops walking to get a look at you, an expressions that reads: Are you serious? Plastered on his face.

“It’s a valid question.” You say.

“No one knows Jungkook like you honey.”

“Okay…Also, you’ll be meeting my friend Yoongi tonight!”

“The not date, date guy?” Jimin pouts, “I thought you weren’t going to lead him on…”

You scrunch up your face in confusion,

“I can have friends Jimin, I’m not leading him on!” you try to defend.

“If you say so. Just like, try to focus on one boy at a time, you know?” Jimin teases.

You two walk to the shop that sells the bracelets and go inside. You find the bracelets you’re looking for rather quickly, feeling nice and lucky. You grab them and go to pay, when you finish up at the register you notice a Jack Skellington key chain and add it on to Jungkook’s gifts. You always have trouble finding good gifts for people, okay? You take what you can get.

“Shit, it’s already 6. I still need to go home and get ready!”

~~~~~

Nick lets you and Vanessa use their place as the spot to celebrate, it’s bigger than your place and Vanessa agrees saying it’s bigger than hers as well. Nick and his bro that believes in aliens (You really got to learn his name but at this point you are too afraid to ask) are the only ones here as you and Vanessa set up.

“Bro AI is out to get us man—” Aaanndd you are tuning him out, you watch as Nick listens closely, nodding his head every few minutes and whispering ‘Bro’. You and Vanessa hang up decorations in silence, the sound of Nick and his bro chatting away filling the room.

“People should start arriving soon…” you try to make small talk with Vanessa, she only hums in response not even sparing you a glance.

“You look nice.” You try giving her a compliment, she turns her head to the side to look at you and a sly smile grows on her face.

“Do you have feelings for Jungkook?”

You immediately choke on your fucking spit, what the actual fuck? You try to compose yourself when you hear the front door opening. Thank God.

“It is I!” You know that voice. “Where is my Jungkookie?” You hear Jin entering the living room along with Namjoon and Hobi.

“Jimin should be bringing him in the next 30 or so minutes!” you yell out. Once Jin and the other two boys spot you they light up.

“y/n!!!” Jin hurries to your side and bring you in for a quick hug. “How are you?!”

“Good, good.” You laugh, hugging him back.

“Good to see you y/n” Namjoon says with a soft smile and then you hear your named being shouted even though Hobi is a foot away from you.

“Long time no see!!!” He hugs you, shaking you around in his embrace. You can’t help but chuckle at your friend.

“Hi guys, I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Would we miss our Jungkookie’s birthday? No way.” Jin says.

“Oh,” you turn around to see Vanessa just standing behind you, not saying anything just staring. “This is Vanessa. Jungkook’s—”

“We know!” Hobi says, “Jungkook has brought her to Jin’s. Nice to see you again Vanessa!”

Vanessa tilts her head and nods, her lips not even attempting to curve into a smile.

“You too.” She finally says.

This girl either has no manners or just does not know how to properly socialize? Maybe she gets anxiety being around too many people?

You feel your phone buzz.

Yoongs 7:14pm

Im outside

“Be right back guys, a friend of mine just got here.” You try talking over your group of friends. You head towards the front door, swinging it open to a Min Yoongi waiting patiently.

He smiles at you when he sees you, he holds up a bottle of wine and shakes it around a bit.

“For the party.” He says.

“Perfect, let’s pour us a glass right now!” you gesture him to enter the apartment.

You two walk into the kitchen, and you start searching for a wine bottle opener but can’t seem to find it.

“Hey Nick!” You yell out, hoping to get his attention, “Where’s the wine opener?”

Nick shuffles into the kitchen and gives you an expression that screams he has no idea.

“I know where it’s at.” Vanessa’s silky voice fills your ears as she enters the kitchen.

“Oh.” Of course she does. Why wouldn’t Vanessa know? She probably comes here more than you do…

“Thanks.” You finally say when she hands you the wine opener.

“Well, let’s open this baby up!” you turn to face Yoongi and he smiles at you.

“Hi Vanessa.” Yoongi waves at the girl and she hums in response, walking out of the kitchen.

“Sorry, she’s…” but you don’t know what to say. Also, why are you trying to excuse her?

You pour you and Yoongi a glass and gulp it down quickly, you finish your first glass in just seconds.

“I need another one.”

“What’s got you so stressed in a time of celebration?” Yoongi casually sips on his wine, one baby sip after the other.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“y/n…” his soft tone makes you feel comforted already and he hasn’t even said anything yet.

“I don’t know how to say it without sounding psychotic.” You admit, pouring yourself your second glass of wine.

“Try me.”

“I feel like I am competing…with…”

“With Vanessa?” He gladly finishes for you.

“Yeah, like…I don’t know, I feel like she’s trying to take my place. But my place isn’t ‘girlfriend’ so I don’t know what I’m freaking out about.”

Yoongi sets his glass down and studies you for a moment, you begin to feel antsy under his gaze.

“I’m obviously on your side,” Yoongi begins in a hushed voice, “But maybe she’s worried too?”

“I wish I knew if she felt worried, or felt like, anything. This girl is hard to crack!” you quietly say.

“Just try to enjoy the night, okay?” Yoongi smiles and you don’t even feel like smiling back but you do. Suddenly, you feel your phone going off.

Jungkook 7:32pm

Why is Jimin making me dress up? I thought it was just a couple of us? Why do I need to look nice, I’m tired from work

Jungkook 7:33pm

Seriously y/n…it’s just a couple of us, right?

y/n 7:35pm

omg yes Jungkook it’s nothing big I swear, he just wants you to look nice for pictures

Jungkook 7:36pm

I always look nice for pics lol

y/n 7:38pm

No comment

Jungkook 7:40pm

Don’t be fukin rude

` y/n 7:40pm

Can you guys hurry up?

Jungkook 7:44pm

Jimin is in the mirror deciding if he’s showing his forehead or not

y/n 7:45pm

classic Jimin

Jungkook 7:45pm

Classic Jimin

You stuff your phone in your back pocket and grab your glass of wine and begin sipping on it again. Yoongi eyes you up and smirks.

“That the birthday boy?”

“Hm? Oh, sorry…yes. He and Jimin should be here soon.” You watch as Yoongi nods his head and then you realize…”Oh my god, let me introduce you to the guys!” you set your glass down on the counter and reach for Yoongi’s hand and pull him towards the living room. Unfortunately for you, you miss the way Yoongi blushes at the contact.

“Guys, guys.” You interrupt the boys from their conversations, “This is my friend Yoongi…” you gesture towards the boy, “Yoongi, this is Jin…Namjoon, Hobi, and Nick and his pal, uh…” you blink at Alien Dude and he just grins at you, not realizing you don’t know his fucking name. “Yeah, anyway.” You decide to move on, “Jungkook and Jimin should be here soon—” Suddenly, there is soft knocking on the door. You raise a brow because who else could it be?

You walk towards the front door and look through the peep hole and much to your surprise you see Holly and Trina waiting outside the door. You’re quick to open it with a wide smile on your face.

“I thought you didn’t want to come?” You ask, your question directed towards Trina.

“I…” her eyes slide to Holly, “…Had a change of heart.” She huffs out quietly.

“You’re going to be civil?” you smirk at your friend and she rolls her eyes at you.

“She’s going to be more than civil.” Holly pipes up, “She’s going to be nice.”

“Hey we never agreed to that!” Trina crosses her arms over her chest, “But whatever.”

“Thanks for coming T.” your smirk transitions into a soft smile. This means a lot to you, that Trina is trying to accept Jungkook.

“Well? Are you going to let us in or what?”

“Right, right.” You move to the side and let the girls through. They step inside and make their way towards the boys.

“Oh? You must be Mister Oatmeal Raisin!” Trina grins towards Yoongi, who stands here chatting with Hobi.

“You’re…let me guess, Trina? And you must be Holly?” he nods at both girls, “I’ve heard a lot about you two.”

“I hope good things?” Trina teases.

“Only the best.” Yoongi raises his glass to her and she turns her head to smirk at you.

You watch as everyone gets along, talking, laughing and having a good time—all except Vanessa. She is sitting on the sofa on her phone, tapping away. She doesn’t even try to converse with any of Jungkook’s friends? Strange. You hate her, technically. But you can’t help but feel bad? Like, why does she isolate herself so much? Does she really just have some social anxiety or something? There’s got to be a reason for her odd behavior.

“Hey.” You say, sitting on the sofa next to her. “You okay?”

“Hm?” Vanessa doesn’t look up from her phone as she barely acknowledges you.

“Why don’t you come hang out with the rest of us?”

Vanessa tilts her head to get a look at you and she blinks at you repeatedly.

“Why?” she finally asks. “I’m only here for Jungkook.”

Okay, ouch.

“Oh...well—”

“You never answered my question from earlier,” Vanessas coy smile begins growing on her face. “How you feel about Jungkook.”

You feel your palms get sweaty when you process her words. How the hell do you respond to that?

“I—I…” Then the front door is opening and you hear Jimin obnoxiously announce their arrival, that he has the birthday boy.

You immediately jump to your feet and rush towards the entrance of the apartment to greet your friends.

“Too bad you can’t admit it, “ Vanessa whispers, her eyes going back to her phone, “I could help you too.”

“JUNGKOOKIE!!!” Jin opens his arms wide, “Come and embrace me! It’s your birthday gift.” Jungkook stumbles in the apartment with wide eyes as he searches the living room. His eyes find yours and he smiles. He shows you his bunny grin and you can’t help but smile back. He looks breathtaking, Jimin didn’t play around picking Jungkook’s outfit. Ripped black jeans, chunky boots, a plaid shirt with a leather jacket—he looks hot as hell. Vanessa is a lucky girl, you think bitterly to yourself.

Jungkook greets his friends one by one until he sees Yoongi walk from the kitchen into the living room. Yoongi has refilled his wine glass and stops just in front of Jungkook and bows his head in greeting. You rush to the two boys, joining them in this awkward encounter.

“Oh, I invited Yoongi.” You begin to explain, “You remember Yoongi, right?” you ask Jungkook.

“Of course…” Jungkook tries smiling but it’s tense and strained. At this, Yoongi smirks.

Yoongi steps closer to you and wraps an arm around your shoulder and he smiles at Jungkook.

“I’m y/n’s plus one tonight—or I guess her…date?”

“D-Date?” You and Jungkook both stutter out.

Yoongi brings you in closer, nice and snug against his shoulder as he chuckles.

“Something like that.”

Jungkook tries releasing a breath but finds it to be troublesome. He looks at you with an expression you cannot really decipher, but he doesn’t look all too pleased.

“That’s nice.” He finally says, scratching the back of his neck.

“What’s nice?” It’s a smooth and silky voice. Vanessa. “Happy birthday babe.” She joins your circle next to Jungkook and places a kiss on his cheek.

“Right…” you butt in, “Happy birthday Jungkook.” You smile, still in Yoongi’s arms.

“What do you want to do first?” Vanessa links arms with Jungkook and you feel your body go tense. You don’t want her to touch him.

“Eat.” Jungkook laughs, “I’m so hungry.”

“Well, we have pizza for everyone.” You say loudly, getting the rest of everyone’s attention.

“You say pizza? Hell yeah.” Trina walks towards you four with Holly following behind her.

“Oh hey Trina…” Jungkook says, not entirely too sure how to talk to the girl that hates him.

“Hey Jungkook,” she says quickly with a smile, “So where’s the pizza?”

Jungkook and you share a look of pleasant surprise. Trina? Being nice?

The rest of the boys follow and you all head inside the kitchen to snag a few slices of pizza from the pizzeria that Jungkook is fond of. Vanessa stays close to Jungkook’s side, not that you are surprised. But what is surprising you is that Yoongi has suddenly become slightly more affectionate with you?

Yoongi takes any chance he can get to touch you in some way, whether it be picking a piece of thread off your shirt, or placing a wild strand of hair behind your ear. He doesn’t really strike you as the type to be so openly affectionate…at least not the one to initiate it.

But can picking a piece of thread off your shirt really be counted as affectionate? Maybe he’s just trying to help. What you don’t know though…Jungkook has picked up on too. He has watched as Yoongi smiles at you and you smile back, he has watched as Yoongi subtlety touches your arm when he talks to you and how your hand finds his shoulder when you laugh.

Jungkook sits on his couch, chowing down on a slice of pizza as he glares at you and Yoongi. He doesn’t mean to glare but why is he here? This is a small get together between close friends. How close have you and Yoongi gotten?

“And then bro, I was like no fucking way bro.” Alien bro talks animatedly, his hands motioning all around the place.

Nick stuffs another slice of pizza in his mouth, nodding along to Alien bro’s story.

“That is fucking wild.” You hear Trina pitch in, “Like, did that really happen to you?”

“It may have been a dream, but let me tell you…” Alien bro closes his eyes, “I think it was real, like a memory.”

You internally laugh, because this dude has got some wild fucking stories and you don’t know how to take him seriously. But everyone seems to be enjoying it.

“Let’s do cake!” You hear Jimin yell out, “I have such a sweet tooth right now.”

At this you see Vanessa actually light up, like she has been waiting all night for someone to mention the cake. You two agreed she could present it to Jungkook, maybe that’s why she’s so visibly excited.

“I’ll go get it…” She speaks up, “I’ll be right back.” She says, facing Jungkook. Vanessa stands from her spot next to Jungkook on the couch and heads towards the kitchen.

A few minutes pass by when you hear your name being called. You get up and walk to the kitchen when you see Vanessa with the cake in her hands, the candles already lit up.

“Can you turn off the lights?” she asks, “And you can start the Birthday song.”

You nod your head, walking back into the living room to switch the lights off.

“Okay, ready Jungkook?” you smile at him and he rolls his eyes with a smirk.

“I guess.” He says, amusement laced in his voice.

“Happy birthday to you!” you begin singing, the rest of the gang joins in and the living room is soon being filled with the sound of everyone’s voices singing Jungkook a happy birthday. You pull out your phone and begin recording, Vanessa walks in with the cake and she keeps her face neutral. She doesn’t even sing, wow. You can’t help but kind of laugh, that’s so in character for her.

“Happy birthday dear Juuuungkoook, Happy birthday to you!” You all finish up and start whooping and hollering.

“Make a wish.” Vanessa sets the cake down in front of him and Jungkook nods his head. He takes a deep breath before his eyes find yours. You guys share a brief moment before he’s blowing out his candles.

“What did you wish for?!” Hobi asks, excitement filling the room as everyone agrees that they want to know.

“Secret.” He says, still looking at you.

“Here,” Vanessa nudges a perfectly wrapped box in Jungkook’s hands, “Present.”

“You didn’t have to Vanessa.” Jungkook grins at her but he’s already unwrapping his gift, he throws the wrapping paper to the floor and takes a look at the cologne box.

“This is so expensive!” he whines, “But thank you!” He looks at you for a moment when he awkwardly pecks Vanessas lips in front of everyone.

“My turn!” Jimin shouts, “My turn, my turn!” he stands up and walks by the front door where he left the gift. He picks up the bag and walks back into the living room, standing in front of Jungkook, handing him the bag.

“You’ll love it.” Jimin wiggles his brows at the boy.

Jungkook wiggles his brows back as he opens up the bag and pulls out a black hoodie.

“Fuck yeah.” Jungkook stands up to hug Jimin, “This one is so soft.”

The rest of the gang gives Jungkook a gift one by one until all eyes are on you. Suddenly, you feel super fucking shy and lame that you got matching bracelets.

“Uh, I haven’t gotten anything for you yet…” you lie. “But I will soon, promise.”

Jungkook’s bunny smile begins to fade as he processes your words,

“No worries, y/n.” he smiles again, “You don’t have to get me anything.”

“It’s just a little late, is all.” You shift awkwardly from one foot to another. You wish you weren’t such an idiot. You notice Jimin staring at you from across the room, he looks disappointed.

“What about the bracelets y/n?” Vanessa’s voice can be heard by everyone. She looks at you with a blank expression and you never wanted to strangle someone more.

“What bracelets?” Jungkook’s curiosity showing.

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. They’re friendship bracelets. Such a sweet idea.” Vanessa smiles at you.

“You got me and you friendship bracelets?” Jungkook stands up and walks to you, he extends his right hand out and waits expectantly.

“Thanks Vanessa.” You deadpan.

“No problem.”

“It’s really nothing Jungkook…”

“I want the damn bracelet y/n.”

You stare at him for a moment, his big doe eyes making you feel like you must give in.

“okay, they’re in my bag…” you turn around and search for your purse. You notice Yoongi trying to hand it you and you smile at him gratefully.

“Here.” You hand him his bracelet and he inspects it, rolling it through his fingers.

“Your initial?” Jungkook clenches the bracelet in his fist and looks up at you.

“I fucking love it.” He brings the bracelet to his heart, “I will wear it every day.”

“I have one too…” you pull it from your bag and dangle in around.

“It has a J?” Jungkook bunny smile grows ten times as wide. He takes the bracelet from your fingers and chuckles at the two bracelets.

“I love it.”

“I’m glad you like it—”

“No, love it. I love…” Then he’s clearing his throat, remembering he is in a room full of people.

“Thank you.”

“Oh! There’s one more thing…” you pull out the key chain and you watch as Jungkook’s face lights up. Of course he is more excited about the key chain, you laugh.

“Fucking awesome!” Jungkook takes it from you, “I’ll put it on my keys!”

“That’s the idea,” you chuckle. “Anyway, let’s play games now.”

You and Jungkook stand at the front of the living room, in front of the T.V in battle mode.

“You’re going down Jeon.” You snicker at him, he only rolls his eyes at you as he readies himself.

“I’m just glad I’m not going against Jimin.” Jungkook shoots Jimin a look and Jimin winks.

You two have to chug an entire beer can, trying to beat the other.

“Honestly, same.” You admit, if anyone can down a drink in seconds—it’s Jimin.

Trina stands up and joins your side,

“Okay, are we ready everyone?”

Everyone begins cheering, the sound motivating you and making you feel excited.

“Okay. When I yell…BAM…you start drinking and don’t stop until that can is empty…got it?”

“Yes, we know how to chug a drink, Trina.”

“Damn girl, I was just sayin’.” Trina throws a hand on her hip, “Okay, 3…2…1…BAM!”

You and Jungkook scramble to start drinking, the chilly liquid making its way down your throats. The drink is cold and carbonated and you’re trying to ignore the way it sizzles, instead pretending it’s as smooth as water and you down it back.

“Jungkook is going to win!” Namjoon yells out, he has risen to his feet, the excitement too much.

“No, y/n is! Look how much her head it tilting back!” You hear Jin chime in.

Truth is, you aren’t really sure how much you’ve drank, or how much is left! You’re just wanting it to be over!

“Holy shit, they’re both so close!”

“Broooooooo”

And right as you’re about to finish your drink you hear the sound of a can being crushed right next to you. He won.

“WHAT’S UP…LOSER!” Jungkook shakes his empty, crushed can in your face as you finally finish your own drink.

“Okay, okay. Literally only let you win because it’s your birthday.” You snide playfully.

“Sure y/n, sure.” Jungkook grins down at you, his laughter bounces off the walls and you feel so whole when you hear the sound. He leans forward until his arms are wrapped around you in a quick yet loving hug.

“Whatever you got to say to yourself…loser.” He chuckles out, letting go of you.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” Your pout is so cute, Jungkook thinks.

Yoongi stands up, his gummy smile lighting up the room as he approaches you two. He stands next to you and asks if you’re alright.

“You’ve already had so much to drink, I’m just making sure you can make it back to the sofa.” Yoongi’s shoulders shake as he laughs.

“She can handle herself.” You hear Jungkook say in a somewhat serious tone, “She knows how to drink.” He tries to say a little more lightly.

“But she doesn’t really have to do the penalty, right?” Yoongi asks.

“No, I definitely do.” You laugh out, “Where’s the shot, huh?”

Jungkook gives you a silly looking smirk as he heads towards the kitchen to fetch you that shot. He’s only gone for a moment when you realize he has returned with the liquid of fire.

“For you, princess.”

You roll your eyes at his little nick name he’s given you but you cannot help the blush that creeps on your cheeks…

“Please…please.” You pant, rolling your hips into his as you meet his desperate thrusts.

“Please what, princess?” he breathes out heavily, “Told you that when you’re with—” He begins fucking into you faster, “When you’re with me…to use your words.” His pace is bruising, causing you to choke on the air around you.

The little nick name causing you to remember something you have tied burying.

“I think you should take one too, since it is your birthday after all.” You tease.

“But I’m the winner…” Jungkook pouts, his bottom lip jutting out so far.

“Come on, I bet you won’t.” Jimin pipes in.

“Yeah dude.” You hear Nick say.

“FINE!” Jungkook throws his hands up in defeat, “But you have to go pour it for me.” He says, looking at you.

“Done deal, baby.”

“Pour me one too.” Vanessa walks up to you, her strap on her shoulder sliding down.

“Oh?” you ask, but you nod your head in approval and head towards the kitchen to pour two more shots.

You return with the shots, but feel your stomach drop when you see Jungkook and Vanessa laughing together, her hand laying on his chest, his arm wrapped around her waist.

“Oh!” Jungkook looks at you and smiles, “The shots!”

“Yeah…”

And then Min Yoongi is at your side with his own shot, he looks at you and gives you a sweet smile and eyes full of understanding.

“Let’s take them.” He says. His hand going to yours, he squeezes it tight and you feel yourself trying to breathe.

“Here you go.” You hand the two shots to Jungkook and Vanessa, they take them and you four look at one another before raising your glasses.

“Happy birthday, Jungkook.” You whisper, taking the shot.

Hours pass, and things are starting to wind down, you think. Jin, Namjoon and Hobi are at the front door saying their goodbyes and you feel your time is coming soon too.

“Us too.” Trina says, “Our uber is almost here.” Her and Holly gather their things and make their way out the door.

“Jimin, you coming with us?” Trina asks.

“Um, what about you y/n?” Jimin makes it to your side, his hand going to rub your shoulder.

“You guys go without me, I’m going to help clean up. Hostess duties!” You salute towards your friends and they giggle.

“Okay babe, I’ll see you soon?” Jimin goes in for a tight hug and you hug him back even tighter.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll help you clean up.” Yoongi offers, but you shake your head.

“No, I couldn’t ask that. Me and Vanessa got it. You go home too, it’s so late. I will come by to see you soon though.”

“Are you sure?” Yoongi asks as he catches Jungkook watching you two. “Well, if you insist y/n.” he inches towards you and to your surprise, you feel his lips leave a small kiss on your cheek. Yoongi smirks when he sees Jungkook react. Jungkook glares at the boy and Yoongi feels like hopefully he helped enough tonight.

“What was that for?” you feel yourself turn red.

“Nothing.” He whispers before he’s turning around and walking out of the door.

You are left here shocked and confused but you cannot help but smile at Yoongi’s small gesture. He really is too sweet.

“Well,” you turn around to face Jungkook and Vanessa, “Let’s clean up,” you say to Vanessa, “And then I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Actually,” Vanessa curls her lips upwards, “I am feeling quite tired.” Her eyes find yours, “So maybe Jungkook can help you clean up.”

“You’re going home already?” Jungkook looks confused. He was probably expecting birthday sex or some shit.

“Mhm.” She breathes out easily, “See you later babe.” She leans over and pecks his cheek, you immediately twist your head to look away. Vanessa notices and she fucking smiles that sly ass smile. “See you later, y/n.”

And with that she is out of the apartment, leaving just you and Jungkook and Nick and Alien Bro.

“We will be out on the balcony smoking, if you guys want to join.” Nick offers to you, but you’re shaking your head no.

“Nah, you guys enjoy.” Jungkook says. Nick and Alien bro (You really got to learn this dudes name) are opening the back door and leaving you guys for the balcony.

“And then there was two.” Jungkook jokes, he chews on his lips as he watches you begin the cleaning up process. You get a large black trash bag and start throwing away the empty beer bottles and other trash around the living room and kitchen.

“Help me clean, birthday boy.”

Jungkook grins at you and starts helping, he’s gathering the shot glasses and setting them in the kitchen sink. You two work like this for around 10-15 minutes when the place is finally looking like his apartment again.

“Well, I guess that’s it.” You set the last trash bag in the kitchen, “You and Nick can take these out later, right?” “Yes, y/n. You did enough, I swear.” Jungkook smiles at you. “Hey, where’s your bracelet?” he dangles his wrist around, showing you his.

“Oh…” You dig around in your pockets until you finally find the piece of jewelry.

“Let me.” Jungkook stands closer to you, reaching his hand out, expecting you to hand over the bracelet. You place it in his hand and he grabs your wrist and clips the bracelet on.

“There.” He breathes out, “Never take it off.” He half jokes.

“You really like it?”

“I really love it.” Jungkook pulls you in for a hug, but he’s letting go much faster than you would like.

“Wanna chill for a bit?” He asks you, his hands still on your arms from your hug that you just shared.

“For a bit, sure.”

You two walk to the living room sofa and plop down, the long day finally catching up to you. It’s around 1 am now, you’ve been running around all day.

“So…” Jungkook looks at you with an unreadable expression, “What’s going on with you and this Yoongi guy?”

“What do you mean?”

“Was tonight like, a date for you two?”

“What? No?”

“Really? Could of fooled me and like, everyone else.”

“He was just joking…I think.” You groan into your hands, and laugh. “Why?”

“I was just wondering.” He turns to face forward, his face hardening as he thinks. “Is he going to be like, your boyfriend?”

“What?!” you choke on your spit, “Yoongi is my friend.”

“Does he know that?” Jungkook continues to look forward, “He was all over you.”

“He definitely was not all over me. Oh my god. What are you getting so crazy for?”

Crazy. That’s the word you use, but he knows you mean jealous. Jungkook sits here, biting on his bottom lip. He has to admit, he doesn’t like this ‘crazy’ feeling. He feels like he’s suffocating just remembering you with Yoongi tonight. He has no right to feel crazy or jealous. He has a girlfriend for fucks sake!

“I just hope he’s treating you right.”

“He’s just a friend Jungkook. But you know what? And if he was trying to date me?”

Jungkook feels his chest tighten, not liking the idea already.

“Then like I said, I hope he’s treating you right.” He says more softly, turning to look at you again.

“Did you enjoy your birthday?”

“It was nice, thank you.”

“What’s your favorite birthday in your life so far?”

Jungkook tilts his head as he thinks, rocking it side to side. He folds his arms behind his head and lets out a long breath.

“There’s two I can think of.” He says, “When I was 10 all I wanted to do was see one of those drive thru zoo things. But I wasn’t expecting much because I guess birthdays and holidays were stressful for my parents…” he takes a deep breath, “they always fought so much and so I didn’t think we would be doing anything for my birthday at all. But they for once, they got along this day. They took me to the zoo and I just remember being so on edge like something may go wrong…but it never did, it was a perfect day.”

“I bet 10 year old Jungkook was so cute.”

“I was the cutest!”

“And what’s the second?”

“Sophomore year of college.” He states quickly making you choke on air. Really? That birthday of all birthdays?

“Jungkook, there has to be a better one than that…” you begin, “We literally didn’t even do anything.”

It seemed everyone happened to become busy the day of Jungkook’s birthday, everyone except you. You and Jungkook spent the day just the two of you in his dorm room watching movies and playing video games. You didn’t even buy him a present, much too broke!

“That day meant a lot to me.” Jungkook explains, “You didn’t leave my side, no matter what.”

“Well, you were my best friend.”

“And now?” Jungkook turns his head to face you, “Am I your best friend now?”

“Jungkook…” you caress his thigh, “Of course.”

Jungkook throws his head back as he smiles that bunny smile and you can’t help but giggle.

“Were you worried?”

“So worried.” He continues to laugh, “You’re my best friend too.”

~~~~~

October

“I don’t know guys!” you whine, bringing the cup of coffee in for a sip. “Marketing…can someone even be passionate about that?”

“What did I say y/n? You’re so concerned if you’re passionate or not, why don’t you start off small—finding something you just like.” Yoongi offers his piece of advice but you groan.

“What do you think Tae?” you point your head in his direction, “Wait, I am asking one of the most passionate people I know.” You complain.

“I agree with Yoongi, y/n.” Taehyung says, he drinks his water in gulps.

“Of course, who wouldn’t agree with Yoongi?” You hit your head on the table a few times.

You three are seated in Yoongi’s record shop in the cozy corner of the store, discussing the burden of dreams.

“I mean, guys.” You begin, “I don’t want to be making cookies forever.”

“But I really like them.” Yoongi whispers.

“Me too,” Taehyung says as he shoves a sugar cookie down his throat. “So good.”

“Guys, you aren’t helping.”

“Honestly y/n…” Yoongi stands from his seat to get some more coffee, “Stop trying to force a dream to happen. It will come to you naturally, just trust in that.”

“You make it sound so easy.” You hand Taehyung another cookie and he takes it with a grin.

“So y/n…” Taehyung swallows down the last bits of the cookie before he’s turning to face you in his chair, “How was Jungkook’s birthday, I forgot to ask.”

“It went really well actually.”

“Why do you say ‘actually’?” Taehyung laughs, “Were you expecting it to go bad?”

“It’s not that…I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Is it because of Vanessa?” Yoongi comes back with two fresh coffees.

“Maybe.”

“That’s his girlfriend, right? I just don’t get it. Should we come up with an evil plan to break them up?” Taehyung snickers.

“Tae, chill.” You giggle.

“I’m joking but I am also totally serious.” He comments. “Anyway guys, I gotta head back to the museum. But same time next week?”

“You know it.” You blow on your hot coffee, waving him goodbye.

The last few weeks the three of you meet up for coffee (Tae usually brings his own drink of choice, says coffee is too bitter for him) and chit chat just like now. It’s an interesting group but you feel comfortable. After time has passed, forgiving and moving on from Taehyung’s crushing you has gotten easier and now you even find his friendship to be quite valuable. You guess they weren’t kidding when they say time heals all wounds.

“Are you two ever going to tell me what happened between you? You were so tense when he first started hanging out.” Yoongi says, observant as usual.

“I will. But another day,” you smile.

“No rush.” Yoongi drinks his coffee slowly, “Whenever you’re ready.”

“By the way, did it work?” Yoongi asks between sips.

You can’t help but raise your brows in question,

“Did what work?”

“Did Jungkook say anything? About being jealous?” He gives you a smirk.

“What are you talk—wait, were you purposely trying to be affectionate with me to see if Jungkook would get a rise out of it?” You ask, completely shocked. That seems almost out of character for Yoongi!

“I tried. I’m a little awkward being the first to show affection, “ he admits, “But for you, my friend, I was willing to try.” He gives you a shy smile and you feel your heart race.

“Yoongi—”

“You really don’t even have to answer because I know the truth. I could see it on his face, but I was curious if he said anything to you.”

You think back to Jungkook’s birthday and well…he technically did say something to you. He was being a little crazy (jealous) but you cannot understand why. Jungkook is your friend and not to mention he has a girlfriend.

“Sorry to disappoint Yoongs, but he did not.” You decide to say.

“Did you know you avoid all eye contact when you want to lie.” Yoongi takes another sip of his coffee, his sly smile telling you he knows the truth.

“Jeez, why do you pick up on things so quickly?!” you groan, “I can’t even tell one little nothing lie in front of you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t try to lie to me then.” He laughs. “So what did he say?”

“He just—I don’t know. He just…wanted to know what was up with you basically.”

Yoongi opens his mouth to say ‘Ah’ and then continues to drink his coffee.

“He’s not going to be rude to you or anything!” you quickly say, “he’s just a little protective over me, is all.”

“Oh? That’s all?” Yoongi teases.

“Hey…” you set your cup down and fold your hands in your lap, “What makes you think Jungkook feels the same way?”

Yoongi breathes out slowly, his fingers tapping against his mug when he looks up at you and smiles.

“There’s an obvious tension between you two, “ he starts, “The way he looks at you. That honestly gave everything away. His eyes always find you, no matter what.” Yoongi quietly chuckles, “The way he’s threatened by me. He doesn’t even try to hide it.” Yoongi thinks for a moment, “And…you two, the way you are together…god, it’s like watching two people who are in a relationship but don’t know they’re in a relationship.”

“What—what do you mean by that?” you pry further. Curious about your own dynamic with Jungkook that maybe even you can’t see.

“I don’t know like, you guys act like boyfriend and girlfriend already!” he laughs, “That’s when I knew I didn’t stand a chance.”

“Yoongi…”

“It’s okay,” his gummy smile lights up his whole face, “being your friend has been so much more rewarding.”

You feel yourself smile at his words…although, you do feel bad. But keeping a friend like Yoongi around has been amazing. And maybe if you weren’t already in love with someone else…no, you shouldn’t even think that, that’s not fair.

“Thanks Yoongs.”

~~~~~~

“We need to talk.”

Jimin is shoving his way through Jungkook’s front door, his hair pushed back in frustration like his fingers have been running through it for hours.

“Jesus man, it’s like 8 in the fucking morning.” Jungkook’s low, groggy voice booms from his chest.

“This couldn’t wait. I have to be at work at 9 and I’ve been up all night with the same one thing on my mind.” Jimin takes off his shoes and makes his way to the couch.

“And what’s that?” Jungkook asks, clearly annoyed.

“You need to tell y/n how you feel.” Jimin decides to go with the straight forward approach, he does not have the time to beat around the bush today.

Jungkook closes the door and swings around to face Jimin,

“Huh?”

“Listen man, I’ve been racking my brain about it all fucking night. It’s got to be you. You have to do it, she won’t.”

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

“Grow the fucking balls, man!” Jimin sits back on the sofa, his head falling into the cushion.

“Look dude, I don’t know what you—”

“You’re in love with her, you have been since freshmen year. You guys fucked, I know. She didn’t talk to you for however long, I know that too. But come on man, it’s so clear how you both feel.”

Jungkook continues to stand here, not knowing what to say. Where is all this coming from?

“I have a girlfriend, Jimin.”

“Oh please, give me a fucking break.” Jimin stands up, walking towards Jungkook. “There is almost zero chemistry between you two. Like emotional chemistry…I don’t know what your sex life is like…” Jimin holds up a hand, “And I don’t want to know.”

“Wasn’t going to tell you anyway,” Jungkook pouts. “Listen, how can you be so sure y/n would even feel the same way?”

“Can’t you just fucking trust me?” Jimin yells out, exasperated.

“Did she say the words Jimin?” Jungkook becomes very serious, making Jimin shudder. “Did she tell you she has feelings for me?” his dark eyes pierce into Jimin’s.

Jimin looks down at the ground, feeling defeated.

“You know I can’t tell you that.” Jimin finally says, “You just have to have the courage man. Are you really going to go your whole life not telling her? Why torture yourself like that?”

Jungkook stands here feeling so lost, and fucking emotional. Like, he could god damn cry about it.

“Because,” Jungkook sniffles into his sleeve. “It’s guaranteed she would be in my life. I can’t risk losing her. I couldn’t handle that man…” Jungkook begins to choke up.

Jimin walks closer to Jungkook and pulls him in for a tight hug, Jungkook keeps his arms to his side.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Jimin whispers.

“I think though…that there will be a moment where you finally have the courage…”

“I don’t know.”

“You will, Jungkook. When the timing is right…but I don’t know when that is for you two.”

“I really do love her…” Jungkook allows a few tears to slip from his closed eyes into Jimin’s shoulder. “I’m so frustrated like, all the time.” He admits, “Seeing her, talking to her, I just want to tell her how I feel. I hate how hard I have to try just to stay in the zone of friendship. But you don’t understand the risk…” Jungkook leans back, pulling away from Jimin. “If she doesn’t feel the same, I could lose her.” His puffy eyes avoid Jimin. “Can I handle a loss like that again?”

“But she…” Jimin has to bite his tongue…seeing his two best friends like this hurts his heart beyond belief.

“Yeah, I understand.” Jimin decides to say, “But I think you might be surprised.”

Jungkook pulls his brows together, his face scrunching up and he scoffs.

“Maybe, but maybe not.”

“I’m sorry to bring this all on you so early in the morning…I’ve just been so worried about you two…” Jimin starts to put his shoes back on.

“Maybe you could stay until you really need to leave for work? You still go like 45 minutes, right?” Jungkook practically begs with sad, soft eyes.

“Sure.” Jimin takes his shoes back off and grabs a hold of Jungkook’s shoulder, “Let’s sit down for a while.”

The two boys head to the couch and take a seat, leaving little space between them. Jungkook needs the presence of another human being right now, he needs to feel real live warmth. Jimin wishes he could mend Jungkook’s cracked heart but he knows only you can do that. But Jimin can try his best. The two sit in comfortable silence, the only sound that can be heard is Jungkook’s light sniffling and Jimin humming a soft tune.

“It’s almost 9.” Jimin mentions regretfully.

“I know. Thanks for staying for a bit.”

“Of course.” Jimin rises from the couch, “You guys are my best friends but you two sure are fucking idiots.” He smiles and makes his way to leave.

~~~~~~

Bored. So fucking bored. Trina and Holly went out for dinner tonight and you were not invited! You kind of wonder what’s going on between them…but that’s a thought for another day, right now you are so fucking bored.

It’s Friday night and you don’t know what to do with yourself. Jimin has some party he’s going to tonight but you didn’t really feel like going so you rejected his invitation, Jin and the guy’s invited you over for a cookout but you said no because you didn’t feel like driving all the way to Jin’s place—you know, lazy.

And you haven’t heard from Jungkook all day so he’s probably tired from work or worse—with Vanessa. But would it hurt to try? To see what he’s up to?

y/n 9:04pm

hi

Jungkook 9:10pm

Hi

y/n 9:12pm

Whatcha up to tonight?

Jungkook 9:13pm

Nothing really, you?

y/n 9:13pm

nothing either…

y/n 9:13pm

Wanna have a movie night with some wine?

Jungkook 9:20pm

Sure:)

Jungkook 9:23pm

Lemme guess, I have to bring the wine

y/n 9:23pm

Bingo!

Jungkook 9:50pm

I’m almost there

Not even 5 minutes later you hear your door being knocked on, and you yell a ‘come in’. Jungkook pushes the door open and finds you sitting on the couch wrapped up in your favorite blanket. He shuts the door behind him, and walks to the kitchen for some wine glasses. You two only nod at one another in greeting, getting comfortable in each others presence.

“I brought 2 bottles,” Jungkook says, “One for you, one for me.”

“Wow, you’re so smart.” You smile up at him and his heart clenches in his chest. Your smile is so special, it’s so soft and so fucking pretty he almost cannot handle it.

“Y-Yeah.” He sets the glasses down on the table that sits in front of the sofa. “What movie do you have in mind?”

“You can choose.”

“Iron Man?” “No, not that.”

“Fine.” He pouts, “Let’s find something new on Netflix.”

An hour into some random drama, you find yourself getting sleepy.

“Wakey wakey.” You feel Jungkook’s breath on your ear, you open your eyes a little wider to prove your consciousness.

“I am awake…hey,” you suddenly get an idea, “Remember a little while ago you said you felt like our friendship kind of started over?”

“Hm? Yeah?”

“Would if we do?”

“I don’t get it?” Jungkook asks clearly confused.

“Let’s play a game! Of getting to know each other better. Everything out on the table.” You say with a pleased smile, obviously loving your own idea.

“hmmmmm…” Jungkook wraps his blanket closer around his body, “Sure.”

“Yay! I’ll pull out a list of questions from the internet.” You get your phone and google a list of questions. “You ready?” you say with a wink.

“I guess so.” He playfully shrugs his shoulders and shows you a small smile.

“Okay one…What’s your favorite way to spend a day off?”

“hmm…sleeping in, working out, playing video games, making videos, sleeping some more, hanging out with you.”

“Wow, honored.” You tease. “For me, it’s sleeping all day.”

“That’s it? That’s your whole answer?” Jungkook giggles.

“What type of music are into to?”

“y/n…” Jungkook whines, “You already know these answers…”

“We’re pretending we don’t!”

“Fine, I like almost all genres but I really prefer ballads.”

“I like music with meaningful lyrics,” you say.

“I agree.” Jungkook grins at you.

“Next…Do you have a favorite holiday. Why or why not?”

Jungkook nibbles on his lips as he thinks…is he honest?

“I use to hate holidays.” He admits softly, slightly slurring thanks to the wine, “But now it’s Christmas and New Year’s. And why? Both reasons are because of you.”

You feel your cheeks become warmer and probably pinker.

“Mine too.” You say quickly, “Next,” you are in a rush to change the subject. “Do you want a family of your own?”

“One day, yes. With the right person…”

“I’m the same.” You scroll through the questions, “If you had only one sense…hearing, touch, sight, etc, which would you want?”

“Touch. Imagine not being able to feel things?” Jungkook asks, he thinks about not being able to feel the soft touch of sheets on a bed, the feel of your hair between his fingers, your skin, your lips—wait, he needs to chill. “Yeah, touch.”

“Really? I would choose sight.” You say, “Who do you admire most in this world?”

“Mom.” Jungkook whispers, “She was so strong, she went through so much yet still found the strength to love me.”

“You.” Your hand finds Jungkook’s, you hold on to him softly, “My answer is you.”

“y/n…” Jungkook leans into your side, “Thank you.”

You clear you throat and continue scrolling through your phone, looking for the next question.

“If you found out today is your last day on Earth, what would you do?”

“Exactly what I’m doing right now.”

“Honestly? Me too.” You whisper, you feel your heart beginning to race as you and Jungkook admit that if it were your last day, you would spend it together. Somehow the thought almost seems romantic to you…that’s obviously your imagination but you can dream.

“What’s the last thing you do at night?”

Jungkook wiggles his brows at you and you hit his arm, laughing.

“Gross.” You giggle. “Something besides that.”

“What? You think it’s gross to mast—”

“Don’t!” you yell out laughing. “Don’t be gross.”

“Everyone does it y/n…I bet even you.” Jungkook voice goes low. “in fact, I have a question for you.” Jungkook scoots closer to you, “When was the last time you got yourself off?” your eyes go wide, “It’s not like you’re seeing anyone…unless you and Yoon—”

“No!” You begin to panic, “I’m not seeing anyone, you’re right.”

Jungkook releases a long breath and he smiles, “Thought so.” Then he’s scooting even closer to you.

“How do you touch yourself y/n?” He slurs out, “With your fingers only? Perhaps you use a vibrator?”

You push your head back in shock, there’s no way in hell Jungkook just asked you that? Is he drunk? Barely.

“Why do you want to know that?” you scoot a little closer to him too.

“Best friends know this type of stuff about each other all the time, don’t they?”

“Not really…but I’ll play. I use both.”

Jungkook raises a brow in amusement, he bites on his bottom lip as his smirks at you.

“You own a vibrator?” Jungkook chuckles darkly, “How come I didn’t know?”

“Why would I tell you that?”

“I bet Jimin knows.”

“Fine, he does.”

Jungkook narrows his eyes at you as he tries to hold in his slight laughter, his hand comes to his mouth and he chuckles into it.

“Thought so…when’s the last time you used it?”

“Last night before bed.”

“So, it’s the last thing you did at night?” Jungkook points his finger at you knowingly and you can’t help but laugh.

“Okay, I see where this is going. Fine, I get. We all masturbate. It’s completely normal and not gross and a totally valid answer for something you do before bed.” You throw your hands up as you giggle.

“Thank you.” Jungkook knees touch yours as he scoots just an inch closer, “But I wasn’t trying to make a point, I was genuinely curious about you.” He admits in a deep voice and you squeeze your thighs together, an action that does not go unnoticed by him. His eyes land to your lap and he chuckles. His voice is so low and inviting as he speaks, “Are you curious about me too?”

“What do you mean?”

“About when’s the last time I—”

“Fine, when’s the last time?” you ask lightly.

“Right before I came here.” He admits easily.

“Interesting.”

You and Jungkook stare at one another for what feels like at least an hour but in reality probably seconds. But his dark gaze is so raw and powerful, you find yourself leaning into his space.

“The last time I used my vibrator was yes, last night. But the last time I touched myself was tonight. Before you arrived.”

Jungkook nods his head in understanding, or maybe it’s approval? Either way he nods his head as a sly smile creeps on his lips.

“Can I ask you what you thought about?” Even Jungkook widens his eyes in surprise as he asks that. Where did that confidence come from? “Sorry that’s TMI.” He quickly rushes to say, not wanting to really hear your answer because he shouldn’t know what you fantasize about especially if he’s not in said fantasies.

You lean your head back and snicker. You wish you had the fucking courage to tell him the truth. Him. You thought about him.

In your fantasy his head was between your legs, licking you up and making you squirm. He would moan into your greedy cunt, basking in your juices. God, you can just picture it now. His mouth and nose covered in you, the shine on his face evidence of how well he’s eaten you. His fingers still buried inside you as he lifts his head up to smirk down at you, his hair a fucking mess from how much you have tugged on it.

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t thinking about it right now and getting so heavily turned on. Your chest heaves just a little more than usual, and there’s an ache between your legs that you wish Jungkook would soothe. Your fantasy of him going down on you? You took that straight from your memories.

“Not going to say anything?” Jungkook leans in a little closer.

“Sorry, just thinking.”

“About…?”

“You.”

Jungkook’s eyes expand as he processes what you just say until—

“Wait, wait. That came out wrong.” Your hands scramble to hold on to his shoulders. “I mean, I was thinking about you. But not like that.” You lie. Because you have to lie.

“Oh…right, that makes sense.” Jungkook visibly deflates at your confession.

“Anyway, yeah. That’s a TMI for sure.” You laugh awkwardly and Jungkook leans back away from you.

“For sure.” Jungkook leans back on the sofa, “So, what’s the next question?”

“Ever had a threesome?” you ask from your own brain.

“You already know I have.”

“With two girls or with another guy…?”

“Two girls.”

“Would you ever with another guy?”

“Maybe if it’s with a girl that doesn’t mean something to me…but if it’s with someone I care about, probably not. I think I may be too possessive. Don’t wanna share.”

“Ah, I see.”

“What about you?”

“I would do both.” You admit. “Sounds like fun…”

“It is fun,” Jungkook laughs, “But there’s something special about just being with one person, if it’s special…”

“Have you ever had sex with someone special?”

“Yes.”

Oh. Jungkook’s never been in a serious relationship since you’ve known him so you weren’t expecting him to answer that with a yes…but he is with Vanessa now. So obviously…

“I see.”

“What’s the next question?”

“I’m looking up a new list. It’s kind of sexy, is that okay?”

“A list of dirty questions? I’m down.” Jungkook smirks and you feel the heat between your legs grow.

“Okay the first one is asking if you’re a virgin and I think the whole town knows the answer to that…”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?!”

You laugh out, “Nothing, nothing.” Then continue scrolling, “Okay, opinion on shower sex?”

“Hmm, I’ve done, and I will do it again.”

“For me, it’s a little uncomfortable but I’ll do it,” you say, “boob or butt guy?”

“Fuck. Both of them, can I say both?” Jungkook pleads and you giggle.

“Sure, both.” Your eyes light up when you find the next question. “Oooh. What is your most embarrassing sex story?”

“Oh god…okay. When I was in high school I was getting head from this girl…”

“Uh huh…and then?”

“We got caught by our teacher and that’s a total mood killer right?”

“Right?”

“Well, when the teacher was scolding me I popped another boner. And I was wearing sweats so it was super obvious and she was trying so hard not to make it obvious. But I don’t know, my body betrayed me.”

“You got hard from getting scolded?”

“Apparently.”

You burst out into giggles, the story absolutely killing you. Who does that? Who pops a boner from getting scolded…by their fucking teacher?

“Your turn, your turn.”

“Okay…one time I was giving head…”

“Uh huh…and then?” he copies you.

“And I guess I swallowed his cum too fast because it shot out of my nose like milk.”

“What the fuck y/n.” Jungkook laughs out hysterically. “That’s so awesome.”

“It wasn’t awesome Jungkook, it was embarrassing.”

“Perspective.”

“In what world is someone’s perspective on this awesome?” “Mine.”

“Well, you’re fucking weird.

“Maybe so.” Jungkook continues to laugh, “What’s next?”

“Do you prefer to give or receive?”

“Who doesn’t love to receive? That’s obvious. But me? I am a giver, 100%”

And he’s right. Hence why you’re able to use the memory of him going down on you as good masturbation material.

“I see.”

“I think I am a giver too.” You look down at your phone, “But who doesn’t love to receive?”

“You do give nicely.” Jungkook whispers, “Anyway what’s the next one?”

“Do you like sexting?”

“Fucking love it. I love the dirty words and pictures.” He admits.

“Yeah, me too.”

What would it be like to be texting Jungkook throughout the work day, sending one another your dirtiest fantasies and pictures to go along with it.

“I’ll read the next one now…If I came home from work stressed, how you do you relax me?” your eyes go wide when you realize, “Wait, pretends it’s asking about someone else. So a girl you’re with comes home from work stressed, how do you relax her?”

Jungkook is quiet for a few moments, he chews on his bottom lip and breathes out heavily.

“How would I relax you? I mean, some girl?”

“Y-Yes.”

“First, I would kiss you breathless.”

“You mean her.”

“Right. I would kiss her lips over and over, taking off one article of clothing at a time, sit her down on the couch while I make my way into the kitchen…pour her a glass of her favorite wine and hand it to her. Then I would kiss down her body, telling her sweet words. How much I love her, how much I missed her today, how much she means to me. I will kiss down until I am taking off her pants along with her underwear…” “And then?” you breathe out.

“Kiss her sweet, soft skin…taste her. Taste how fucking good she tastes. Eat her out while she sips on her wine…”

“Oh nice.” You laugh a little.

“Make her come all over my tongue, getting her drunk on her orgasm.”

“And her wine.” You point out.

“Yes, both. After she comes, I will kiss back up her body and hold her.” Jungkook releases short breath after the other. “Make her feel wanted.”

“That does sound relaxing…”

“You like?”

“Yes.”

“Then maybe—”

“Next question is ‘What turns you on almost instantly?”

“Dirty talk.”

“I see.”

“What—”

“You have to answer too, remember?”

“My stomach being touched.” You admit. “How do you feel about toys?”

“Not against them, could be fun to try out.”

“I agree…how do you feel about blindfolds?”

“You answer first.” Jungkook says shyly.

“I’m into it.”

“Being blinded? Or blinding someone?”

“Both? Yes, both.”

“Fuck, me too.” He folds his arms behind him as he leans back further into the sofa.

“Both for you too?”

“Yes. It would be boring if I was only into one thing right?”

You laugh, “Yes, I think we think similarly.”

“Interesting.”

“Very.” You smile at him and he smirks, “Would you like to watch me touch myself?”

“Yes—”

“—Wait, like your partner, not me.” You both say at the same time.

“Oh, well yes.” Jungkook says again. “Watching your fingers travel down to your pussy, rubbing your clit…well, not you but you get my point.” He says, his breathing becoming heavy again.

“Oh. I would also like to watch you.”

“But not me.”

“Exactly.”

“Spit or swallow?”

“I like a girl who swallows.”

“I like to swallow most times and if I don’t swallow it’s because I’m letting the guy come on my face or my tits or—”

“God damn it, y/n.” Jungkook breathes out erratically. His hand goes to his crotch as he tries to hide his growing member.

“Rough or sensual?”

“Fuck. Both, definitely both.”

“I agree. Why not both all the time?” you squeeze your thighs together again as you watch Jungkook shift uncomfortably in his seat on the couch.

“Would you let me pleasure you as you drive? I mean, your partner. Sorry it’s just the way the questions read…”

“Yes. I would.”

“Seems a bit unsafe…but I would give it a try.” You say, “Do you like your hair to be pulled?” you ask with a smirk, already knowing the answer.

“Fucking love it.” He admits between heavy breaths, “But I like to pull hair too.” He winks.

“I do too, but I prefer being the one pulling.” You wink back. “Are you quiet during sex?”

“I—I don’t know…Am I?” Jungkook looks into your eyes, and you blank. Is he actually referring to the time you two had sex? Without him getting weird? “You aren’t the quietest.” You admit, “But it’s so fucking hot.”

“Well, you definitely aren’t quiet.” He says, “Can barely touch you and you’re already whimpering out.”

“Depends who the guy is.”

“Well, when it’s with me…sorry, I shouldn’t bring that up.”

“Right…” your fingers find their way into Jungkook’s hair, “But why not?”

“y/n…” he warns and you chuckle.

“What?” you decide to play innocent. “It was so long ago, Jungkook. We should be able to talk about it by now.”

But Jungkook can’t. Because although it’s almost been 4 years, it’s still so fresh for him. Not just the feeling of being inside you but the emotional shit he was feeling too.

“I’ll tell you one thing and one thing only about that night,” Jungkook decides to say, his hand goes to yours and gently places it back in your lap. “It felt so fucking good.” He whispers out and you feel all the heat in your body rush to your aching pussy.

“Oh.” You breathe out erratically. “I guess, I would have to agree.”

“Should we sleep soon?” Jungkook leans back as he asks you this.

“Don’t you want me to share one thing about that night?”

“…Sure.”

“You…felt so…good…inside me…” you say between deep breaths.

“You felt even better, y/n.”

It’s Saturday morning, and you find yourself waking up on the couch, a big blanket draped around your body and you can’t help but snuggle into it, not wanting to get up quite yet.

On the other side of the couch is a still sleeping Jungkook, his light snores filling your ears. You two didn’t even finish your wine last night, so you are waking up hang over free. The sun is shining today, it’s rays peeking through your window blinds and you want to throw the blanket over your head to hide yourself from the brightness but you decide to actually wake up and get up instead.

You throw the blanket off your body and on to Jungkook, who gratefully takes it and cuddles deeper into the covers. You stand up and head towards the bathroom to wash up, turning on a hot shower.

You wonder what you’ll be up to today, will you stay in? Go out? Hang with the girls? By the way, did they ever come home last night? You stop by Holly’s room to find it empty. Interesting, you guess they went to Trina’s.

The shower is ready for you so you slip in and let the warm water cascade over your tired body. You shampoo, condition and wash your body, when you hear insistent knowing on the bathroom door.

“y/n!!! I gotta pee!!” Jungkook’s worried voice is heard over the running water, “That’s it, I’m coming in okay?!”

And before you can respond, you hear the door being swung open and Jungkook lifting the toilet seat lid up and releasing himself. You fucking laugh. He literally says ‘Aaahhh’ for the same amount of time he is peeing.

“Fucking finally, I thought I was going to piss myself.” He says when he’s finishing up.

“Sorry.” You reply lamely. “Shower felt too good to leave.”

“Well, hurry up so we can go get something to eat. I’m so hungry!”

“Okay, okay.” And with that, Jungkook is leaving the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

You finish washing up, stepping out of the shower and drying off. You quickly leave the bathroom in just your towel to head to your bedroom. Thankfully, Jungkook is on the couch watching some show on Netflix—too busy to notice your half naked state.

You get dressed in a rush, not wanting Jungkook to wait much longer for you. You settle for some jeans and a cute yellow shirt.

“I like yellow on you.” Jungkook says when he sees you. “Pretty.”

You are sure your cheeks are turning a nice shade of red at his compliment but you cover them with your hands to hide yourself.

“Thanks JK.”