#I WAS NORMAL WHEN I LISTENED TO THIS IN JANUARY. what happened to me.

[milogreer]

listening to blake in “looking for answers with your dreamwalker boyfriend” is like ……

[daisynik7]

I blinked and suddenly I had a Valentine

Author's Note: modern setting, no curses, high school setting. ~1.3k words. Divider credit to @/cafekitsune. Title from the song “Valentine” by Laufey. Rice bear bathing in Japanese curry looks something like this (reddit link). Part of the past lives vignettes series. Thank you for reading!

It’s almost the end of January and you’ve spent the past three weeks at your new school eating alone, either in the classroom or in the cafeteria. You’re too shy to socialize with your peers, who are already well-established in their own social circles. This is what happens when you transfer in with less than three months left of the schoolyear. No one wants to be friends with the new girl, right? 

Well, two people prove this theory wrong. 

Yu Haibara is the first to approach you in the cafeteria during lunchtime. “Hi there!” he greets, taking a seat across from you, a cheerful smile on his face. You can tell from his aura alone that this is someone easy to get along with. Jovial, optimistic, kind-hearted. You’d normally feel nervous interacting with someone you’ve never met before, but his welcoming presence immediately puts you at ease. 

He’s followed by a blonde boy, slightly taller, a bit lanky, and sulking behind him. His name is Kento Nanami. You recognize him from your homeroom, though you’ve never spoken before. Occasionally, he eats his meals there, usually in the back with his headphones in, listening to music, while you’re in the front, indulging in whatever homemade bento box you decide to make for yourself that day. It’s crossed your mind more than once to join him so that neither of you are alone, though you’ve chickened out each time, convinced that he’d rather remain that way than be bothered by a nobody. Unlike Haibara, his lips are pressed together in a natural frown. You don’t sense unhappiness or animosity from him; rather, it’s indifference, apathy. When he sits down next to his pal, he gives you a nod, acknowledging you. 

Haibara does the courtesy of introductions. You hold your hand out to him, doing the same. He takes it enthusiastically, beaming at you. “I know who you are. I’m a first-year too!”

It doesn’t strike you as odd that he’s already somewhat familiar with you. Instead, you’re relieved to finally be making friends in this cutthroat environment called high school. After this first meeting, the three of you are inseparable. You get on well with Haibara, who’s an expert at keeping the conversation flowing. Nanami doesn’t say much, though you notice his subtle mannerisms that speak volumes more than what his actual words do. You can tell he admires your homemade lunches each time you uncover them at the table. His eyes light up, marveling at whatever creation you’ve concocted the night before: yakisoba, onigiri, chicken stir-fry. He doesn’t say anything, relying on Haibara to do the complimenting. You appreciate how intently he listens to you, even if he doesn’t have much to contribute. In homeroom, you sneak glances at him when your teacher says something particularly ridiculous, to which you spot the faintest hint of a smile flitting on his lips. And you realize that every time you’re walking beside each other, he makes sure to switch his bag to his arm away from you. Part of you hopes the real reason behind this is to be closer to you, but you try to keep those lovelorn thoughts buried in the back of your mind, being certain that’s not the case.  

You eventually find out that Haibara has severe allergies, especially during the seasons of Winter and Spring. He explains how he has to take at least a few days off once a month, sometimes an entire week. Today, he dons a face mask, already anticipating it. “Don’t miss me too much,” he jokes, his bright smile noticeable even behind the mask. It’s February now; the three of you sit together at your regular spot in the cafeteria. Nanami eats his rice bowl in silence while you say to Haibara, “You’re going to miss Valentine’s Day.”

He crosses his arms over his chest, smirking. “I guess the two of you will have to be each other’s Valentines.”

At this, Nanami almost chokes on his food, face turning scarlet. He reaches for his water bottle, which is empty, still clearing his throat as he excuses himself to refill it. When you’re alone, you glare at Haibara, scolding him. “Why would you say that?!”

He shrugs innocently. “What’s the big deal? He likes you.”

Your jaw drops at his surprising statement. You’ve always thought that Nanami tolerates you, but you never truly believed he could ever like you. “What do you mean?”

Haibara blinks at you, as if the answer is so obvious. “He told me about you. Said how you always had the most amazing bento boxes for lunch. How cute your smile was whenever you’d take a bite. He was too shy to talk to you first, so he had me do it. You…didn’t know that?”

You stare at him, shaking your head slowly, stunned by this revelation. 

He laughs nervously, scratching his head. “Oops.”

Nanami returns, back to his normal self now, remaining quiet. There’s still the faint blush on his cheeks; you pretend not to notice it. Nothing else is mentioned about Valentine’s the rest of the day, though it lingers on your mind the remainder of the week.

Haibara is out sick February 13th, leaving you and Nanami alone together for the first time since you befriended them. You’re curious to see if the dynamic would change, if Nanami would actually speak up now that his buddy isn’t around to fill the void with his amicable chatter. But lunch ends up being a quiet affair. You do your best to ask questions, start conversation, but he’s even more tense than he usually is. When you mention Valentine’s Day tomorrow, the familiar rosy tint spreads across his face. You drop it, not wanting to make him uncomfortable, though you can’t help thinking how sweet he is for reacting that way.

He likes you. The words have been replaying in your head since you heard them. And the truth is: you like Nanami too.  Based on what Haibara said, he might be too shy to tell you. 

So, you take matters into your own hands. 

The next day, February 14th, you come to school carrying a box wrapped in red ribbon. Inside homeroom. You greet Nanami politely, catching the way his gaze drifts to your hands. You smile wider to yourself, excited to present it to him later. At your seat, you can smell the decadent scent of homemade chocolates and heart-shaped candies from the other girls in your class. You get increasingly nervous about the gift, wondering if he’ll receive it well. Still, it’s worth a shot.

When class is over and it’s time for lunch, Nanami waits for you near the door to walk to the cafeteria together. Ready to leave, you stop him, clearing your throat before you announce, “I have something for you.”

His eyes widen, his jaw clenches. It’s obvious he wasn’t expecting this. 

You don’t hand it to him, afraid he wouldn’t know what to do with it. Instead, you untie the ribbon yourself, uncovering it. Inside is the bento box you prepared special for him. “I made this for you. Happy Valentine’s Day, Nanami.”

He reaches inside, holding the bento in his hands like found treasure. He snaps the cover off slowly, revealing rice balls formed into a cute bear, bathing in Japanese curry. A sheet of seaweed cut into a heart is placed directly in the center. 

You watch him for his response, heart racing against your chest. He inspects it carefully, his expression softening to one of adoration. When he looks at you, he smiles, and you swear you’ve never seen anything more beautiful than Nanami Kento smiling. 

“Do you like it?” you ask, needing to hear it in his own words. 

He nods, still smiling. “I love it.”

You spend your lunch in the classroom, eating your matching bento boxes together while listening to his music on shared headphones. 

For the first time in his life, Nanami has a special Valentine.

[yourdoorisunlocked]

What A Dish, What A Doll! - Part 1

🎙️【 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑰 | 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑰𝑰 | 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑰𝑰𝑰 | 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑰𝑽 | 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑽 | 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑽𝑰 】🎙️

𝐀/𝐍: This was originally supposed to be pretty dark, but my mind clearly had other plans since I ended up writing a fluffy little fic about our favorite radio man lmao. I’ll probably write up the angstier fic, too, if this one does well.

Also, the Reader is AFAB, since that’s what I’m comfortable writing for as a girl myself.

. . .

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟐,𝟏𝟏𝟓 𝐍𝐨 𝐓𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬

. . . 

The door to Alastor’s manor creaked open for you, and with a grin you took the spare key he gave you from the lock and swung the door fully open to push yourself inside in an attempt to escape from the late winter chill. 

It was a late January night, meaning the serene moonlight washed over the snowy landscape as early as 5:00 P.M., making it dangerous for a lady like yourself to be wandering the streets of New Orleans late at night. 

But it had been months since you really had to worry about anything like that, since you had Alastor by your side to look out for you. Such a sweetheart to you, and a bit of a mama’s boy, too, judging by the pictures set atop the mantle just above the unlit fireplace.

The mere thought of your ever-enthusiastic smiling companion made you especially giddy as you kicked off your winter boots and shrugged your coat off your shoulders, placing it upon the antler-adorned coat rack and skipping past the staircase into the living room. 

Flopping on the couch, you reached over for the radio while cuddling up with a blanket, excited to hear the well-awaited voice of the man who had altered the direction of your life – undoubtedly for the better – and you were practically kicking your feet like a flustered schoolgirl who had received your first confession as Alastor’s voice rang through the small device, loud and clear for you to hear. 

“Good evening, New Orleans!” You couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiastic announcer’s voice that he normally used for his radio show, and the first time the two of you had met.

Though, Alastor was more relaxed around you nowadays, seeing no need to keep up the too-cheery facade his listeners had renowned and adored him for. You cherished moments when he was simply relaxed, content with a close-lipped smile and sitting beside you, whether it be reading, playing the piano with you, occasionally even pulling you into a spontaneous dance.

As you listened practically through the entire thing, you began to silently fantasize about your unpredictable yet darling radio host.

“Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time I have tonight, folks! I should be going, now. It's rather bad form to keep my doll waiting at home for me~,” He finished with a soft chuckle.

Blood rushed to your cheeks at that last little comment, practically cursing Alastor for his cheekiness, and he knew that you listened to his shows whenever you could.

"The au-diddly-dacity of that man..."

“Thank you for tuning in! See you next time~...” 

The radio returned to static for a few seconds, before a jaunty little tune began to play through the speakers, and it just so happened to be one of your personal favorites, one that you, no matter what mood, nor what you were doing, couldn't help but jump up and dance to.

And, of course, Alastor knew you loved it.

You sighed with content as you relaxed into his couch cushions, sinking into the blanket that Alastor had laid out for you since he'd found you constantly falling asleep to his voice on the radio when he returned home from work.

A pang of guilt thundered against your chest as your heart strained at the stinging reminder of how much of a burden you really were to Alastor. He was a good man, who helped you out when you were in a tough spot, you should at least repay the favor, right?

I should at least do something nice for him... He's been so good to me, even inviting me over for dinner more times than I can count.

He was the one who offered me that job at the radio station, hell, he even let me off early so I could listen to his show!

With a huff, and a newfound sense of energy, you got to work around the house, tidying up and lighting the fireplace, sparking a candle or two, and keeping the radio playing all throughout the thirty minutes you had spent cleaning, imagining the look on Alastor’s face when he returned.

You had even started on dinner, making a nice pot of venison soup, since it seemed to be his favorite. 

You pushed down the swell in your chest when you heard the doorbell ring, excitedly rushing over to a mirror and sweeping across your face and hair, making sure everything about you was in perfect shape. 

You opened the door, craning your neck a good amount to make eye contact with dark chocolate eyes staring down at you intently, almost illuminated in the moonlight, set against smooth caramel skin beneath a fluff of mocha brown hair.

“Hel-!” 

Alastor’s usual smile was smacked clean off his face at the sight of you standing before him, apron tied across your skirt with a few stains upon it, hair slightly amess but clearly put together.

"-Lo... My dear, what is the meaning of this?..." His tone seemed cheerful enough, if a bit bewildered as his eyes scanned your form once more, stopping upon the apron once again before returning his gaze to yours.

You looked so painfully, so heart throbbingly domestic that it nearly gave him a heart attack when he first opened the door. Such a submissive nature fed into other... primal desires of his that he wasn't fully prepared to delve into.

You smiled sheepishly up at him. "Why don't you come in? I've already started dinner," Alastor's trademark smile quirked his lips upward as he suddenly took your arm and headed inside, practically glowing as he headed straight for the kitchen.

"Oh, no, mister, you stay right there," you winked down at the radio host as you pulled him into a chair. "You've been working so late, let me handle dinner."

You truly piqued Alastor's interest when a familiar scent wafted past his nose, and he eyed you with surprise as you worked in the kitchen, pouring a hot, thick broth from the pot into a small bowl.

As you headed towards him, he tried his best not to absolutely melt in his seat as you served him with a smile, and he carefully took the steaming bowl from your hands. 

Venison, hm? Well don’t mind if I- 

AN: You know that one scene in Ratatouille where that critic takes a bite of his dish, and gets a flashback to when his mom used to cook for him? Imagine that but with Alastor. 

“Is it good?” Your soft, almost worried voice brought him back to reality, and as he met your hopeful, imploring gaze, Alastor nearly choked on his food as heat crept up to his cheeks, burning against his face and ears.

For just a moment, I thought I saw...

With wide eyes, you rushed over to him with a napkin, patting his back and looking over him with concern as his coughing ceased, and he took the cloth with a grateful, slightly wobbly smile. 

  “Was it really that bad...?” Your confidence wavered slightly as you stared down at Alastor, realizing the sudden proximity as electricity raced up your spine and lit your cheeks aflame.

Half-lidded cocoa-brown eyes searched the very depths of your soul, before he shook his head and murmured, "No, quite the opposite. I'm... I'm actually quite thankful for this, tonight." Though, it couldn't have come at a worse possible time, when he was finally squashing any sort of emotions he felt for you into the dirt, only for you to make them froth and rise to the surface yet again.

Why, he hadn't realized how long it had been since anyone had done anything like this for him!

Ah, his dear mama...

He recalled the last dish she ever made for him. Her house-famous Jambalaya that he had adored so much. It even managed to put his father in a good mood.

"A-Al? Alastor? Are you alright...?"

He hadn't even noticed that tears were streaming down his slim cheeks until he felt small droplets falling upon his lap.

"Oh, nothing. This... This all just reminded me of someone..." He shook his head and took his circle-rimmed glasses off his pointed nose, rubbing the fogginess off the glass as the gears turned in your head.

You raised an eyebrow. "Who...?" You then caught a glimpse of the photos set above fireplace just past the couch that faced away from the kitchen. Of course!

Immediate regret washed over you as you fretted over Alastor, apologizing meekly as you attempted to clean up the soup in front of him, but you were stopped as he gripped your wrist.

"I'm so sorry! I never meant to be such a burden, I just really wanted to do something nice for you, s-since you're always-"

"No, please, this has been a delightful surprise, darling." You froze at the pet name, heat creeping over your cheeks and tinging your ears a bright pink as Alastor released his grip upon your hand.

"You have never, never felt like a burden to me. I promise you that," he slid his hand from your wrist to your hand in an act of comfort, but it only served to make your face glow even redder.

"Now I'd like to finish the dinner you made for me. If you don't mind, of course," his usual cheekiness had returned when he spotted your slightly flustered face, and you nodded and returned to your seat promptly.

Alastor, being ever the chatterbox, resurrected the flowing conversation between you two for a good hour, as he recalled stories from his childhood, keeping you entertained throughout your dinner. Your laughter filled the hallway, your smile both wounding and freeing his heart, while you sat, mesmerized at his captivating storytelling and how he spoke with his hands, practically alight as he drank in each expression you gave him.

"Would you care for a dance, darling?" Alastor spoke up suddenly, the contents of his bowl completely gone as you eyed it. You shyly agreed as he smiled gently and pulled you into the living room.

Soft caramel brown hands wrapped around yours as Alastor's slender fingers held you close in a surprisingly tight grip against him, and you could feel the rise and fall of his chest, along with his rapidly beating heart despite his suave demeanor as he slowly danced along with you to one of the songs that had begun playing on the radio beside the fireplace.

Nothing but your dear friend's soft humming along with the sounds of the radio filled the silence between you in the moment, and you began to relax in his grip as you lazily kept up with his slow steps.

Put your head on my shoulder~

A slow dance between you two, with an occasional twirl as Alastor nearly swept you off your feet swept the minutes away, until the moon was well past the horizon and twilight fell upon the sky.

As he spun you around once more, a sudden gust of air swept past the pair of you, nearly blowing out the candle beside you.

Hold me in your arms, baby...

Alastor's eyes widened at the sight of a petite, elderly woman standing beside the doorway into the kitchen, watching the two of you intently, until her form faded from the door with a shimmer of light and a gentle smile.

Squeeze me oh-so tight, show me...

He gulped softly at the sight of the angel while you stared into his eyes, completely fixated upon his surprised open-mouthed stare as his gaze flickered from behind you to your lips.

You barely missed his darkening expression as you both began to sway slowly once again.

Show me, that you love me, too~...

"Would you like to stay the night, darling?" For the first time in his life, Alastor seemed unsure, maybe even nervous, as his dark brows creased together and his charming smile twitched at the corners of his lips. You smiled and reached up to smooth out the crease with your fingers.

You had no idea how he warred with himself, knowing that he'd be practically signing his soul away simply to be in your company.

Put your lips next to mine, dear~...

But... Perhaps this would be worth it.

Perhaps moments like these, when time slowed, where you both could block out the rest of the world and simply bask in each other's company would be worth the risk.

Won't you kiss me once, baby~?

Alastor had decided, right then and there as you stared up at him with nothing but adoration.

He'd have you. He had to. He was damned either way, but he'd storm the pearly gates themselves if he failed to drag you down with him.

Just a kiss goodnight, maybe...?

But, with immense relief, Alastor realized wouldn't take much persuasion as your eyes seemed to twinkle beside the flickering candlelight, and a gentle yet teasing smile played at your lips.

You and I will fall in love...

"Yes, I'd like that very much, Alastor."

. . . 

𝐄𝐧𝐝 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬: Okay, I KNOW that 'Put Your Head On My Shoulder' was released in the 50s, BUT LET'S PRETEND IT WAS THE 20s, OKAY???

Anyway, I really enjoyed writing this first post, I might write a part two if the people want one. Maybe Alastor headcanons?? Who knows...

Let's just see how far this goes lmao.

[steddieas-shegoes]

falling is easy, catching is hard

rated m | also on ao3 cw: recreational drug use, implied sexual content tags: friends with benefits, secret relationship, shotgunning, mutual pining, getting together, love confessions

HAPPY BIRTHDAY @sidekick-hero!!! Sandy, you deserve the world, but this 3000 word thing will have to do for now 💖

💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

December 19, 1985

Steve Harrington needed sleep.

Eddie Munson had the only thing that would put him to sleep.

But Eddie Munson also held a grudge, a reasonable one, but an annoying one.

“You want me to sell you the last of my good shit? For half price?” Eddie snorted. “You’re out of your damn mind, Harrington.”

“Munson, please. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important,” Steve begged.

“Why would I do you any favors? You never did me any.”

Eddie crossed his arms over his chest, waiting somewhat impatiently for a response from Steve.

Steve didn’t have one.

Eddie was right; He didn’t really deserve a favor from someone who had let his friends make his first senior year absolutely miserable.

But Robin’s voice looped in his head: “Be vulnerable sometimes, Steve. People may surprise you.”

“Listen man, I just really need to sleep, alright? I’ve tried everything else.” Steve sighed. “This is pretty much my last hope.”

Which was a truth and a lie. He’d already tried smoking some weed, knew that it worked.

Eddie’s forehead creased in the middle.

That’s kinda cute, Steve thought to himself before shaking his head. Now wasn’t the time to get distracted by big, brown eyes and shiny lips.

“You been to a doctor?” Eddie asked.

“The sleeping pills make them worse.”

“Make what worse?” Eddie pushed.

“The nightmares.”

Eddie nodded once, understanding flitting across his face as he relaxed his arms by his sides.

“How long you been havin’ them?” Eddie asked as he walked around to the bench at the picnic table, opening his lunchbox.

“I guess…technically years. They’ve been worse since July though.” Steve knew he had to be careful about what he said, couldn’t give away more than what the public knew about what happened at the mall, but Eddie seemed trustworthy enough to handle this part. “Doctors said it’s normal for trauma or whatever.”

Eddie nodded, whispered something under his breath, and shuffled through his box.

“Forgot you worked at the mall over the summer. Kinda crazy what happened,” he said as he pulled a small discolored plastic bag from the box. “I’ll make you a one-time only deal, Stevie.”

Steve ignored the butterflies in his stomach at the nickname, kicked at the dirt under his feet, and gestured for Eddie to continue.

“I’m not giving my product away for half price. I’m a businessman and that’s not a smart financial decision for my business.” Eddie held up a hand when Steve looked like he was going to argue. “But! I will share a joint with you right here, right now, for free.”

“Um. What?”

“I was gonna smoke this one tonight as a celebration for passing all my first semester finals by the skin of my teeth. I don’t mind sharing if you don’t.” Eddie’s smirk made the butterflies even worse.

Steve was going to regret this.

God, he was so stupid.

“Yeah, okay.”

Smoking with Eddie the first time was nice, but the second, and third, and fourth times were even better.

— — — — — — —

January 16, 1986

“You’re late, Stevie. I was starting to worry you’d gotten frostbite.” Eddie’s smile warmed Steve from the inside out, the shiver wracking his body more to do with the growing fondness he had for the curly-haired man in front of him.

Eddie was bundled up like they were in Antarctica, and to be fair, it was below freezing outside right now.

Steve offered to meet somewhere else, but Eddie insisted they come to his usual spot.

And then Steve saw it: Eddie had built them a fire. It was small, he probably didn’t want to draw any attention from the road, but it was throwing heat that Steve craved.

“Come warm up before we get into it,” Eddie waved him over, his gloved hands looking out of place.

Steve was used to seeing shiny rings on his fingers, blisters on his fingertips from playing too much guitar.

Steve stood next to him in front of the fire, holding his own gloved hands out to try to warm his body as much as possible.

“Any reason I couldn’t just come to your house or something?” Steve asked, not quite getting rid of the attitude in his tone.

“My Uncle has tonight off. He’s a pretty chill guy, but I think actively watching me sell drugs to someone would maybe cause a heart attack.” Eddie sighed. “I told him I had a date tonight so I couldn’t really have you show up after that.”

“A date?” Steve grinned, nudging Eddie’s arm. “I didn’t even bring flowers.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, but looked away to cover a blush. “Yeah, well, don’t expect me to put out until there’s a dozen roses in my hand.”

He meant it as a joke surely, but something in Steve’s chest clenched at the thought of spoiling Eddie like that. Maybe not roses, that didn’t quite seem his style.

“I’ll try to remember them next time,” Steve managed to say, nearly choking on his own words.

What was he even doing? Flirting? Eddie didn’t even consider him a real friend, why would he want him to bring him flowers?

“Got a new strain tonight. It’s supposed to be a little stronger, but fades faster, so you should be good to drive back home in a couple hours.” Eddie pulled the baggie out of his pocket, lunchbox long gone after meeting twice a week for the last month.

Steve wasn’t really a customer anymore, no matter how they tried to keep up appearances that he was.

He still tipped Eddie, or tried to, but usually Eddie ignored it and just said it was a favor to help him sleep.

“How strong?” Steve finally asked as Eddie pulled the lighter from his pocket.

“Might make you a little floatier than usual. Not hallucinogenic, though.” Eddie knew he couldn’t handle that kind of trip. That’s why he stayed away from his other offerings. “I tested it out myself earlier this week.”

Steve wasn’t reading into that.

“Okay.” He fought off a shiver, this time from actually being cold. “Guess it’s worth a try.”

“I’ll drive you home if it’s too much.” Eddie’s offer was kind, going above and beyond what a dealer would do for a customer, but Steve wasn’t reading into it. “Or you can nap it off in the van for an hour or so before heading home. Whatever.”

Eddie lit the joint, breathing in long and slow, holding the smoke until Steve was sure he would pass out before slowly letting it out.

He handed the roll to Steve, who didn’t think about what Eddie meant by stronger, and took his normal pull, choking halfway through.

Eddie’s eyes widened as he took the joint from him, his hand grabbing onto Steve’s arm as he coughed.

“Jesus Christ, man, you good?” Eddie asked him.

“Yeah,” he coughed. “Sorry. It is a lot stronger.”

Eddie searched his face, relaxing as Steve’s breathing went back to normal. “Good?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe take it slower?” Eddie teased. “Or- no never mind.”

“Or what?” Steve asked, already feeling the heaviness that came with smoking.

“Ever shotgunned before?”

Steve’s heart stopped. He’d venture to say he was even stone cold sober again after that question.

“Um. No.” He hadn’t. He’d wanted to with Nancy, figured it would be the only way she would be interested in trying weed, but it never worked out. “Would it be easier?”

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded. “Usually. We can give it a try if you want.”

Steve nodded before he really processed what he was being offered.

Eddie’s mouth would be very,��very close to his. Possibly even on his.

And he’d be sharing breath with him, probably more than one if it worked.

Eddie pulled the picnic table closer to the fire and sat on the bench. He patted the seat next to him.

“Might as well get comfy, then,” Eddie said.

Steve sat next to him, close enough to feel the warmth coming from his side, close enough to hear Eddie’s hitched breath when they made contact.

Close enough to want to be closer.

“Alright, so I’ll start with a small one, and you just have to breathe in when I breathe out.”

“Is it-” Steve played with a loose thread on his gloves. “Your lips are gonna touch mine?”

Eddie suddenly looked nervous, like he regretted offering this at all, and Steve couldn’t allow that.

“I don’t mind! I mean, I want you to!” Steve panicked. “Like, it’s fine! I know we have to for the whole thing to work.”

“Yeah. Um, it’s not like, weird or anything. It’s just me helping you get high.”

It wasn’t weird, but it definitely was hot.

Eddie took a drag, leaned into Steve’s space, and cupped his jaw, tilting his head back for easier access.

Steve couldn’t breathe.

But he had to, that was the whole fucking point of doing this.

His lips parted and Eddie’s warmth coated him, covered him better than the fire.

He breathed in as Eddie breathed out, his hand seeking contact with anything solid to keep him on this earth.

He found it in Eddie’s hip, his fingers gripping tight as Eddie lingered beyond the point of the smoke clearing from his mouth to Steve’s.

Their lips brushed lightly, an agonizingly soft touch that Steve tried his best not to chase as it drifted away.

He bit back a whine at the loss, opening his eyes to see Eddie still surprisingly close, pupils huge.

It’s just the weed, Steve thought to himself.

It definitely wasn’t their almost-kiss.

Steve breathed out, swallowing once the smoke was gone from his mouth.

“Good?” Eddie asked.

Steve should answer him, should nod and thank him for doing this, maybe ask him for another hit so he could try to blame his fidgeting on being high.

But Steve wanted to kiss him.

Not shotgun, not barely brush lips, not act like this wasn’t something more than what it started as.

Robin told him he deserved nice things, and he deserved to be happy, and he did.

So Steve let himself try to have a nice thing.

“Again?” Steve asked, leaning in before Eddie had a chance to take a drag.

“Woah, big boy.” Eddie’s hands grabbed his shoulders, not pushing him away, but holding him back from making contact that he so desperately wanted. “Think that first hit might have gotten to you already. Let’s take a minute.”

“No, I-”

“Steve. You’re high.”

His tone was final, and something about the way his eyes darted away made Steve think that maybe this wasn’t the first time someone tried to make a move on him because he was giving them something.

He didn’t know Steve was into men, either.

Steve could just tell him, though. Let him know it’s not just the drugs, that he’d already had feelings for him before.

But the high was kicking in and Steve’s tongue felt like an iron weight.

“How about I get you some water?” Eddie asked, pulling away and walking swiftly to his van.

Steve didn’t protest. He did need some water.

Eddie sat on the other side of the table when he came back, handed over a bottle of water with a small smile, and watched as Steve gulped most of it down.

“This is good shit,” Steve admitted, slurring his words a little from the effort of moving his mouth. “Better than usual.”

“Yeah, it’s a nice treat once in a while.”

They sat in silence for another 30 minutes or so, though the time didn’t even feel like it was passing to Steve until Eddie stood up and guided him to the passenger seat of his van.

“Wha-?”

“I’m gonna drop you off at home. You got someone who can help you get your car tomorrow?” Eddie buckled his seatbelt, Steve tried not to be too endeared. “Maybe Buckley? Or Wheeler?”

Steve’s brows furrowed.

Nancy had barely talked to him in months, not since she gave him one awkward hug after Starcourt. Robin couldn’t drive, or at least said she couldn’t. That’s why he drove her to school and all of her work shifts.

“Maybe you could?” Steve suggested.

Eddie sighed. “I’ll see what I can do.”

— — — — — — —

February 14, 1986

Steve got him flowers.

He hadn’t seen him since the night he drove Steve home.

By the time Steve woke up the next morning, his car was parked in the driveway with a note on his keys that said ‘Promise there’s not a dent on her.’

And then Eddie had ignored his calls. He’d conveniently never been at his spot anytime Steve had ever met up with him before.

He couldn’t even pass a message through Dustin because Dustin was too curious for his own good and would probably figure out that Steve wanted to kiss him.

Which is all Steve thought about for the last month while he figured out what to do next.

Robin was no help at all, said he should just corner him after Hellfire one night and make a move if he wanted him so bad.

As if that could ever be an option.

This was his last chance, though.

He’d confirmed with one of his bandmates – Garrett, maybe? – that he didn’t have plans tonight and refused to sell on Valentine’s Day.

Steve stood in front of Eddie’s trailer, a bouquet of white and pink daisies in his hand, feeling particularly stupid.

The van was here, so Eddie was here, but Steve couldn’t bring himself to walk up the steps and knock on the door. This was maybe the most idiotic thing he’d ever done and he probably should leave before he was seen by someone.

“Steve?” Eddie opened the front door, confusion clear even from a distance. “The hell are you doing here?”

“I said I’d bring you flowers.”

He felt so dumb, standing here holding a bouquet of flowers for a guy who didn’t even want to sell drugs to him anymore. He considered dropping the flowers and making a run for it, but Eddie leaned against the door frame and scrunched his nose up.

Like he was trying not to smile.

Like maybe Steve did something right.

“Better bring them in so they can get water, then,” Eddie said with a hesitant smile.

Steve would take any type of smile, as long as it meant he wasn’t being sent away with his tail between his legs.

He rushed inside, didn’t think about the smell of Irish Spring coming off of Eddie, or the way his arm brushed against his side as he passed him.

Steve stood in Eddie’s trailer, taking in what Eddie called home, holding the flowers in front of him with hope.

Eddie closed the front door and walked over to him, holding his hand out.

“You didn’t have to get me flowers just for me to sell you drugs again, ya know.” Eddie smiled sadly. “I would have let you buy if you really needed it.”

“You won’t return my calls so how would you know if I needed it?” Steve countered.

“Ouch.” Eddie sucked a breath in through his teeth. “You’re right. I, uh, was giving you some space.”

“What made you think I wanted any?” Steve took the flowers back from Eddie’s hand, setting them on the coffee table behind him. “If I wanted space, I wouldn’t have bothered calling at all.”

“That’s what Wayne said, but-”

“Well, maybe you should’ve listened to Wayne.” Steve sighed. “I’m sorry I fucked things up by wanting to kiss you. I’m sorry if the flowers are too much. I’m sorry if I’m too much.”

Steve couldn’t look at Eddie after his confession, or his attempt at one. It may have been more of an apology, but he figured his intentions were clear enough.

“Steve. Stevie. Look at me.” Eddie cupped his cheeks, that familiar warmth covering Steve in safety. “You’re not too much. Don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you that you’re too much. You were so high, I didn’t wanna take advantage. I thought if I just left you to think about it long enough, you’d realize what happened was just from the weed.”

Steve shook his head, reaching his hands up to circle Eddie’s wrists. “It wasn’t just the weed. You’d know that if you let me talk to you before now.”

Eddie rubbed his thumb along his cheekbone, eyes dancing across the freckles that covered Steve’s surprisingly sun-kissed skin. “I’m sorry I didn’t let you explain.”

“You’re forgiven if you listen now,” Steve took a breath, letting his hands run down Eddie’s arms and settle on his hips. “I like you. A lot. Definitely more than a customer should, more than a friend should, maybe more than a regular boyfriend should. It’s okay if that’s too much, but it’s what I have to give.”

“You’re really something, Stevie.” Eddie leaned in, pressing his lips to the corner of Steve’s mouth. “I think I’ll take what you’re giving if that’s alright with you.”

“Please,” Steve breathed out as Eddie’s lips crushed against his fully.

Steve always felt so much, always gave so much, hardly ever had anyone who would take what he had to give.

But Eddie was taking it, forcing it from Steve to his own body, his own heart, like it was the only thing he wanted or needed.

“If you wanna buy tonight, you’re gonna be real disappointed,” Eddie gasped out against his lips when they came up for air minutes, maybe hours, later. “I don’t sell on major holidays.”

“Is Valentine’s Day a major holiday?” Steve asked, brows furrowing.

“It is when I get to have you in my bed.”

Steve’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

“That sound okay to you, big boy?” Eddie was smooth. Who could have possibly guessed?

Steve barely got out a ‘yes’ before Eddie was pulling him down the short hallway to his bedroom and rattling off things he wanted to do to him.

Steve Harrington probably wasn’t getting any sleep tonight.

But Eddie Munson would make it worth his while.

[overtrred28]

Something out of a rom com | Steph Catley x reader

Summary; The night of Steph’s 30th birthday party leads to the telling of your romantic love story that really should be made into a rom com. 

Words; 2.5k

Pairing; Steph Catley x reader

Warnings; none really, pure fluff

A/N; This is in honour of her birthday and I wrote it because I had the idea during a shower and I just had to write it. It might not be the best but hopefully it's cute and decently written. I’ve also got two blurbs for other players in the process atm so stay tuned for that!

The 26th of January. A seemingly normal day to most people, but it was in fact one of your favourites. It not only marks the day you met the love of your life and future wife, but it coincidentally happened to be her birthday as well. It also happened to be today's date once again. 

So here you sat in your shared living room, Steph snuggled up to you on the couch surrounded by some of the people who loved her the most after a very successful 30th birthday party. 

A lot of other party goers had left as it was getting late, except for almost half of her Arsenal teammates who always seemed to linger after events such as these, not that you minded. 

Different conversations littered the room, most didn’t make sense because of the alcohol that was still flowing. But it was the newest team member Emily Fox who brought the group back together. 

“So, how long have you guys been together?” Emily asked, sitting directly across the room from you and Steph. 

“Almost 3 years now.” Steph smiled at her and the rest of the group listened in. 

“Oh my god, their relationship story is like something out of a rom com!” Jen talked excitingly whilst looking at Emily. 

“What do you mean?” You looked at Jen first and then down to Steph who looked just as confused. 

“Wait, I’ve never heard the full story.” Kyra piped up from her place on the floor beside Alessia. 

“Me either.” Alessia raised a finger while looking between you and Steph.

“It’s not that exciting.” Steph let out a laugh which caused Kyra and Alessia to pout. 

“Yes it is. Now listen up children…” Beth cleared her throat from the other edge of the couch next to Viv who was rolling her eyes as Beth began to tell your love story. 

6 years ago, January 26th 2018

“Oh come on, just let us go out one last time before you leave me forever!” Your best friend was standing in your room as you laid on your bed and stared up at her. 

“Do I have to?” You tried giving her puppy eyes but it wasn’t working, she walked closer to your bed, sitting down and taking your hands in hers.

“You, my best friend of 10 plus years, are leaving me for London for who knows how long.” She pouted at you. “Of course you have to go out with me one last time. So get up, look hot and start drinking.” She pulled your covers off you and dragged you to your vanity, placing a drink in front of you and leaving to go get ready herself. 

Over an hour later you were both ready and a little tipsy, ready to leave and adventure into the Melbourne nightlife. 

It took a while for you to find a club that was half decent and didn’t have ridiculously overpriced drinks but you secured a place in the corner and were finishing your like 10th drink of the night. 

“I’m going to get another, you want one?” You shouted over the music to your friend and pointed to the bar. She shook her head before talking into your ear.

“I’m gonna go on the dance floor, come find me when you're done?” She pointed to where most people congregated and you sent her a thumbs up before weaving through way too many drunk people. 

You accidently bumped into someone as you tried to reach the bar, someone else pushing you in the crowd causing you to fall into her. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” You apologised as she began to turn around and you suddenly found yourself staring at the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen. 

“Don’t even, it’s so fine.” She replied with a sweet smile and placed a hand on your arm sending chills up it. 

“I’m going to take a wild guess and say it’s your birthday?” You laughed as your eyes drifted down the sash she was currently wearing. 

“My friends made me wear it, hoping I could score us a few free drinks.” She shook her head and laughed with you. 

“Well, let’s not disappoint and let me buy you a drink.” You smiled at her and if it weren't for the dark lighting, you would have seen the blush that accompanied her beautiful smile. 

“You don’t have to.” She immediately rejected but this time you reached down and held her arm. 

“I insist, birthday girl.” You winked before leading her through the crowd again and finally reaching the bar. “Order whatever you want.” You leant down to her ear as you waited for a bartender. 

She politely asked the bartender for her drink of choice before he looked over to you.

“Make it two, please.” You smiled before pulling your card out to pay. You both thanked the bartender before walking away and standing against a wall out of the way. 

“Thank you.” She looked up at you with a smile again. 

“My pleasure.” You couldn't stop staring at her, she was the most beautiful person ever and she was talking to you. “Wanna go dance? I told my friend I would meet her when I was done.” You asked after finishing your drinks in silence.

“I would love to, but…” She looked down at her watch and you could feel the smile falling off your face. “I’ve got an early morning and my cut off was supposed to be 12.” She made a pout at you.

“That’s okay, I get it.” You nodded and sent her a tight lipped smile.

“There is something I have to do before I go though.” She sent you a smirk and you creased your eyebrows in confusion. 

“What?” You looked down at her, barely having any time to think before she reached up and kissed you hard, placing a hand on your face. Immediately your hand fell to her waist and you fell into a rhythm.

The kiss was very nice and a little long but it ended and you parted with big smiles. 

“I really have to go now.” She smiled and let out a little laugh. 

“Okay cinderella.” You bit your lip before letting her go and she ran off through the crowd to find her friends. You stood in a daze for a second before a hand clasped your shoulder, shaking you out of your trance.

“Oh my god, who was that?” Your best friend had spotted the end of the kiss as she came to find you but didn’t see her face. 

“Um,” You blinked before turning to her. “I… don’t… know.” You realised she never shared her name and neither did you. And now she was gone; a mystery kiss from the mystery birthday girl. 

3 years later, May 19th 2021

You have been in London for 3 years now, working for an event planning company, establishing a close group of friends and having the time of your life. 

Some of the friends you made had managed to drag you along to a women's football match now that people were allowed back to the matches after the covid lockdown last year, despite your lack of interest in or awareness of the sport, either male or female.

So here you were at Meadow Park on a Wednesday evening, watching a sport you’ve never taken interest in but were enjoying to some degree in the fading spring sun.

“I told you. I knew you would enjoy it eventually.” Your friend shoved your shoulder after seeing you get up when it was thought a shot might finally go in for the home side and her team of choice, Arsenal. 

“Yeah, yeah.” You brushed her off, eyes focused on the game at play and becoming more and more invested with each pass. 

It wasn’t till halfway through the second half that a certain defender caught your eye as she ran past and towards the opposite end of the field. There was something about her that seemed so familiar but you couldn’t place it. 

The game ended in a 0-0 draw and left you with a new interest that would soon turn into a regular outing on Sundays and Wednesdays, instead of your regular dinner and drinks throughout the week. 

The players began to do their rounds and you stuck around, waiting to spot a certain defender once again and figure out the mystery that was the jersey with ‘Catley’ plastered over her back.

She had been talking with another player as they walked, eyes scanning the crowd for any fans with signs or hopeful smiles when she found your eyes further up, you resting along the barrier. The words fell from her lips and the player beside her was tapping her shoulder in an attempt to gain her focus once again but it was no use. 

“One sec.” She gently spoke before running over to where you were standing, now looking down at your phone and missing her completely until a familiar accent fell on your ears. 

“Hi.” She gave you a smile and your head whipped up from your screen, finding that beautiful face from all those years ago in your sights again. 

“Hi.” You breathed out as you assessed her features and reassured yourself you weren’t once again imagining those eyes that plagued your dreams every few months. 

“Fancy seeing you here, halfway across the world.” She spoke again, noticing that you were in a sort of daze still. 

“Uh yeah. Sorry, this is just so weird.” You shook your head, letting out a laugh. “Not in a bad way,” You spoke quickly. “I just never thought I would see you again. Especially not halfway across the world.” She smiled at your shyness, the opposite to the confident you she remembers; though you are quite confident with alcohol in your system. 

“Yeah.” Steph laughed and continued to analyse your features, every part of that night coming back to her in full view rather than scattered pieces of memory like she has for the last three years. 

“So,” You tried to keep the conversation flowing, realising you would have to wrap up soon so she could get back to her team and you to your friends. “Do you think I could finally get the name and number that's not on the back of your shirt? I think that’s something you forgot all those years ago.” You smiled at her and began pulling your phone from its place in your pocket. 

She let out a laugh, a real one before nodding. “Oh yeah. I guess so.” She held your phone in her hands and began adding a contact in, handing it back quickly. “There you go.”

“Thank you.” You took a look at your phone before returning eye contact with her, feeling once again that same thing inside your chest from the night you first met. “I’ll call you, Steph.” You nodded, beginning to retreat from the barrier and up the stairs. 

“And who should I be expecting said call from?” She called out to you, stopping you in your tracks to turn your head back around. 

“Y/N.” You smiled before being the one walking away this time and leaving her with a dazed expression and confused friends. 

“Who was that?” Beth appeared beside her, looking at the retreating girl Steph had just interacted with but couldn’t see the face. 

“Um,” Steph shook her head. “An…old…friend.” She turned her face to Beth who was more confused than ever but began walking towards the changerooms with the rest of the team. 

Over the next few weeks it seemed like you and Steph were texting every spare second you each had when she wasn’t training and you weren't working, even before you could finally arrange a time to meet up and have your official first date. 

She suggested you go out for dinner one night before she was set to go off and play in the delayed 2020 Tokyo Olympics over the summer. You had the best time together, chatting for hours and catching up on everything over the past few years, talking as if you had known each other forever. The night ended and she walked you back to your apartment which happened to be just down the street from hers, once again leaving you with a kiss that left you feeling dazed; but this time she couldn’t run and hide from you. 

After watching and cheering on Steph and the national team at the Olympics from home, you knew that this was the person you wanted to pursue a future with. 

So when she came back you made it official with one another, a private time for the two of you to continue to learn everything about one another until you were ready to share it with your friends and the world. 

After a few months of secretly dating, realising this is how the rest of your life was going to look like, you began to share with friends, family and eventually the media which caused a flurry in the football world because of Steph’s public status. It turned out to be even better for your relationship now that you could express your love for one another to other people. 

“And then last year, Steph decided to pop the question the day before Y/N wanted to do it.” Beth concluded the story, somehow managing to keep everyone invested despite the late hour and disappearing energy from tonight's events. 

“Thank you Beth, that was quite an accurate retelling.” You smiled over at the blonde, reaching out for a high whilst trying not to disturb Steph who had actually fallen asleep. “But I think you bored Stephy here to sleep.” You brushed the hair on her head and her eyes snapped open with a sharp inhale. 

“Huh?” Steph began to sit up, looking around the room in confusion, all of her teammates letting out small giggles, you simply looking down at her with admiration. 

“I think you’re too old now for all this partying darling.” You laughed at her watching her face form into a scowl. 

“I am 3 months older than you!” She pointed a finger at you, now pouting while looking up into your eyes. 

“Well this looks like fun, we’ll leave you two to it then.” Lia spoke for the group as they all began standing from their places, yourself and Steph rising from the couch too so you could say goodbye at the door. 

“Bye!” You both waved at the last people before you closed the door, Stephs arms securely wrapped around your waist, head against your chest. 

“Let’s get you to bed, cinderella.” You laughed, picking her up by her thighs and carrying her like a koala to your bedroom. 

“Thank you, my princess charming.” Steph mumbled into your neck, placing a soft kiss there while you let out a small laugh. Maybe this was like something out of a rom com.

THE END

[aois-amaterasu-painting]

Ruki (on X):

From January to July, so many things have happened.

Amidst the whirlwind of days, I questioned what is right and what is normal? While swaying between emotions and reason, I was constantly making various choices, and desperately running through each day.

In such times, I was supported solely by everyone's concerned voices and the words "I love you."

Thank you always.

And although it's been a while, I wrote on Instagram. I hope this reaches everyone who loves me. ✉️

It's been about two months since my last post.

Seeing the closet still filled with winter clothes, I realized that this year, for me, there was no spring. Time stopped in winter, and then summer came.

I noticed that I had been putting off such a basic thing as living, and I finally did a long-overdue wardrobe change the other day.

Life is built on daily choices, an accumulation of decisions.

Only you can decide if those choices and your life are right or wrong.

The responsibility for your life is yours and yours alone.

I feel that trying to conform to the standards of "normal" for others will only make you feel more miserable when you are going through a tough time.

It's the same for everything; it's okay not to be "normal" as measured by someone else's standards.

No matter the relationship, I believe it's impossible to fully understand all of someone's inner struggles and pain. Fans' pain and our pain, human wounds vary from person to person.

Therefore, the way and speed at which wounds heal also vary for each person. The way you accept things too. It's okay if it's not the same.

Because the heart is a place that cannot be seen from the outside, others can't understand those wounds, and in fact, even we ourselves cannot measure how deep our wounds are.

Everyone, might be forcing a smile on the outside, and when they come home, no one sees the emptiness they are feeling, and they probably don't want to show it to anyone.

The way I've spent my days, I was told, wasn't very human-like, but I think that's okay.

Now, rather than sadness, I feel loneliness.

Because I am human, I know that I will meet them again someday.

So, thinking that way, I am accepting it now.

Although I feel lonely without Koron and Reita, for now, goodbye. This reminded me of when I wrote the lyrics for QUIET.

And when the day comes that we can meet again, I want to live in a way that I'll be told, "You lived a good life."

In reality, there are four of us now, but not as a mere illusion; another face is vividly present in my mind.

So, the feeling of being five members is not a lie. That will surely be forever.

After thinking about it all, I've come to the conclusion that I need to start living each day in a way that will leave a lot of proof that I lived.

I want to create music and things with more love than ever before.

Although my core approach to making music hasn't changed, what I feel I want to draw and leave behind now has changed significantly.

I want to cherish every moment, even the most ordinary ones, like taking pictures of everyday life, going to different places and feeling the scenery, the smells, all the things that I can only feel at that moment.

And if you're feeling overwhelmed right now, I think it’s okay to put everything on hold and take a break without overthinking it. It’s okay to stop pushing yourself for a while.

If I hadn’t taken a step back, I wouldn't have reached this mindset.

Then, bit by bit, listen to music you love, visit places that bring you joy, and heal your heart.

I'm gradually doing that myself too.

I hope everyone can find their own way of healing.

And if this band, the GazettE, can become something that saves or heals even just one person, I will overcome anything.

To me, everyone who waits for us is my reason for living.

The only place where you can let out everything you can't express in daily life, I believe, is at live concerts.

So, I hope we can share that extraordinary space where we can shout and make noise together as much as possible.

I've said it before, but there will be more opportunities to meet from now on. Or rather, I will make them.

I want to increase the time I can enjoy with everyone who loves me, so please wait for it.

Next is Toyosu PIT announcement, so please check it out.

Thank you for reading such a long post. I'll write again

2024.07.18

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 37

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words : 5k

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Friday, January 15; 6:00 AM -  Lucy's Room.

Even though the ringtone is more pleasant than the alarm in our dorm, it doesn’t stop me from groaning and burying my head in the pillow when it echoes through the room. I hate waking up, no matter what sound comes out of the alarm. I feel a light pressure on my back, encouraging me to roll onto my stomach.

"Get up, Ona."

"No," I mumble.

We stay like this for a little while. I start to worry when her presence lingers on me longer than usual. This isn’t normal. I turn my head to the side to check on her. A smile creeps onto my face when I see her eyes are closed. My movement must have woken her up because she opens one eye, then the other.

"Is getting up tough, Miss Bronze?"

"Whose fault is that?"

"It’s not like I didn’t warn you..."

I clutch my pillow a bit tighter. Guilt washes over me when I see her like this. She hasn’t been spared during the last five nights I’ve spent here. She has as many dark circles under her beautiful eyes as I do.

"I don’t blame you, Ona. But get up now, or we’ll be late."

"Hmm... Don’t feel like it."

Instead of listening to her, I roll over in her bed, pulling the comforter over my head to escape her. Silence reigns until I feel a foot in my stomach, sending me tumbling off the bed. I open my eyes wide to see her grinning triumphantly. The shock leaves me speechless.

"I already let you sleep in my bed, even though I tell you every night it’s the last time... At least do me the honor of getting out when I tell you to, will you?"

I groan as she gets up and walks past me, but I smile when I’m sure she’s in the bathroom. This girl is completely crazy, yet I like her more and more every day. I didn’t think that was possible. Neither did I expect my episodes to worsen after coming to this room. Neither of us was prepared for it. Lucy even thought I had lied about the previous ones, but that wasn’t the case. In the end, we realized the only way for me to fall back asleep after an episode is to sleep in her arms until morning. If that doesn’t happen, I can’t get back to sleep for at least one or two hours.  Lucy kept telling me each time that it would be the last time and that we’d find another solution, but here we are, five nights in.

"Ona," she scolds as she comes out of the bathroom, standing in front of me with her arms crossed. "You’re really pushing it. Get up, now!"

"Alright, I’m getting up!"

"You better be! Hurry up, we’re leaving in ten minutes, max."

The one thing that hasn’t changed since coming here is her commanding nature. Sometimes I think it’s just a front to make her orders seem more fun. But deep down, I know that’s not the case. She wouldn’t hesitate to punish me if I didn’t listen. She has the authority, so she takes advantage of it. With these thoughts, I head to the bathroom, where my things are already set. Lucy has managed to change all my habits in less than a week. She makes me prepare my clothes the night before, and sometimes we even go to bed earlier than the imposed curfew to catch up on sleep. That’s unheard of for me. I quickly get dressed, brush my teeth, and apply some makeup. I barely have time to fix my hair when the door opens, and  Lucy walks in.

"Ready to go?"

"Yep, I just need to grab my jacket and bag."

 Lucy hands me my jacket with a small smile. In her other hand, I also see my bag.

"Thanks," I say, holding back an eye roll.

I’ve discovered that  Lucy is very particular about order. I thought I was meticulous, but she’s on another level. Her room is always impeccably tidy, and she’s incredibly organized. Case in point: our suitcases are already packed, just waiting for our return later this afternoon. Once everything is set, we leave her room. We greet an instructor who came out at the same time as us, then I follow  Lucy down the stairs. I still feel a bit strange being here, but I’m no longer afraid of what her colleagues think. All the educators were informed that I’ve been staying with Lucy ever since a teacher caught me in the hallways when I was heading to her room alone one night. I had been hanging out late with Alexia, not paying attention to the time. The teacher dragged me to the principal’s office without listening to a word I said. He felt pretty foolish when Wiegman explained the situation to him.

"Shall we meet up later?"  Lucy asks me.

"Yep, I’ll meet you at the car, then?"

"Around one o’clock, yes."

"Alright, have a good morning."

"Thanks, you too."

We’ve settled into a bit of a routine. I leave her to wait for her friend at the back door of my dorm while I head to the cafeteria to meet up with mine. Alexia always waits for me out front to ask how my night went. No one has noticed our routine yet because we always join them at the table anyway. Today, we’re the last ones to arrive. We sit in our usual spots with our full trays and join in on the discussions already happening during our absence. It’s the best part of the day. Since we wake up early, we always have time to chat until eight o’clock. Sometimes, there are exceptions where we leave the cafeteria early, like today. I don’t return to  Lucy’s room. I’m not allowed to. Besides, I know she needs to shower since she always goes for a run after breakfast. Since I live with her, I’ve started to learn her habits. We already spent a lot of time together, but now it’s even more. However, I’ve been trying to balance things since Alexia confessed that she misses me. I realized I was spending more time with  Lucy, so I decided to organize myself better. Now, I dedicate my classes and free time before meals to Alexia and my evenings to Lucy in her room. I’ll see how I manage once I’m swamped with homework again, as I’ve asked to work in Lucy’s office, and I know she won’t forget that. In the meantime, I head to class. The day goes relatively well. For a week now, we haven’t really been following the lessons since these are our last few weeks. We’re still working, but nothing important, so we end up laughing a lot with Alexia, making the most of our last two hours together. Maybe too much, as we get reprimanded by our teachers quite a bit. Today is no exception.

"Seriously, you should’ve seen her face when I told her," she giggles, talking about her girlfriend without any discretion. "It was hilarious!"

"Alright, enough!" shouts the teacher. "Out, both of you! Now!"

I widen my eyes at the tone our teacher suddenly took. I expected him to react again after his first warning, but not this harshly. He’s the only one who’s gone so far as to kick us out. We must have pushed him to his limit. Our teacher in the first class was more lenient with us.

"No, it’s fine, we’ll calm down," my neighbor replies.

"You’ve already told me that ten minutes ago," he retorts. "And the rest of the week too. This is the last straw. Out!"

To accompany his words, he points to the door. Alexia reluctantly packs up her things. She gives me a stern look to prompt me to do the same when she notices I’m not moving. The only problem is that I’m frozen. I’m going to be in so much trouble if I leave this room.

"Batlle, do you need a special invitation?"

"No, it’s fine..."

"Excuse me?!"

I don’t reply anymore, afraid of making things worse and getting written up too. It wouldn’t be the first time. I grab my bag and join Alexia, who is already at the door. As if that wasn’t enough, the teacher asks another student to escort us to Bronze' office. I’m in so much trouble. Ale is teasing me.

"Oh, come on, you shouldn’t be that scared! It’s been ages since Bronze punished you."

"You don’t get it. If I’m denied the weekend because of this, I’m a dead girl!"

"You’re overreacting," she laughs.

Oh no, I’m not. She doesn’t understand why I’m so scared. We arrive at my supervisor’s office quicker than I would’ve liked. Two pairs of eyes are on us as the student escorting us knocks on the door. My first instinct is to stare at my feet.

"Ooh... This doesn’t look good," Ingrid comments.

I bite my lip. If she caught on that fast, I have no doubt  Lucy will too. I hear the latter stand up from my peripheral vision. I fidget with my fingers, dreading making eye contact with her.

"What’s going on?"

"I—," my classmate tries to explain.

"I wasn’t talking to you," she interrupts. « Ona?"

- We-

- I said Ona, snaps Lucy harshly in response to Alexia’s attempt to speak.

I lift my head for the first time since I’ve been here. I realize that I’ve positioned myself behind Alexia without meaning to. To my surprise,  Lucy doesn’t look angry, or she’s hiding it very well. She raises an eyebrow when our eyes meet and crosses her arms.

- We got kicked out, I mumble.

- Excuse me? I don’t think I heard you correctly.

I swallow hard. She’s right about one thing—she’s a very good actress. She’s angry. I doubt her lack of sleep will help matters. I press myself against the wall as she approaches us. She sighs, ripping the paper from Megan’s hands violently.

- Alright. Go back to class.

She’s so terrified that she bumps into me as she leaves the room.  Lucy doesn’t take her eyes off me, which also tends to scare me.

- Reasons? she asks me.

- Talking...

- Talking? she repeats, raising her voice. Are you kidding me?!

- No...

- I can’t believe it, she says bitterly. You promised me you wouldn’t do it again! And here you are, as soon as I loosen the reins just a little, you do it again, she snaps at me.

- Luce-

- Oh no, no, she cuts me off. Shut up, will you!

- Whoa, calm down, Ingrid intervenes. Have you seen her face or what?! She was already terrified just walking through the door! she defends me. I think she’s learned her lesson, right Ona?

I nod timidly, thanking her with a look, unable to speak. I knew she would be mad at me. Even though she’s my friend, she’s always prioritized her role as supervisor. I turn my eyes back to her when she sighs again. Her hand rubs her forehead, as if she has a migraine.

- I’m sorry, she says. I’m sleep-deprived.

- Let’s look at the bright side. We can now finish our work faster, Ingrid says, trying to lighten the mood.

 Lucy doesn’t say anything else, just gestures for me to sit in my usual spot. Alexia, who still hasn’t said a word, simply gives me a sorry expression, realizing that I was completely right to be scared.

- Well, I guess I’ll team up with mini Putellas then, Ingrid says. Come sit with me, will you?

Alexia follows the orders she’s given. I smile slightly, noticing she’s not used to being here. I’m sure it’s the first time she’s been kicked out.

- Does this change anything about our weekend? I ask Lucy timidly, who’s now standing in front of me.

- No, but you won’t have the next one, and neither will I.

- Why not?

- Because that was part of the deal with Wiegman! she informs me. How can I go if you’re not sleeping at night?

Now I feel guilty. I should have negotiated to stay in class and asked for a different seat, for example. It’s too late to come up with solutions.  Lucy slides a sheet of paper in front of me. I don’t understand her intention until she asks me to read out the numbers to help her with her work.

- Can I go to the bathroom first?

- You’re kidding me, right?

I bite my lip, wanting to collect myself before diving into her work. Her bad mood makes me anxious. She grants me this favor but insists on coming with me. I say nothing, even though I made the request to get away from her. When we arrive at the bathroom, I only breathe when I’m locked in a stall.

- I’m sorry... I dare to say once I can no longer see her.

- I’m the one who should be sorry, she surprises me by replying. You could have held off for your last class at least.

Not knowing what to say, I stay silent. I come out of the stall after flushing and stand beside her to wash my hands. I look up into the mirror when a pair of lips touches my cheek. The contact lasts longer than it should. I remain speechless at this more-than-pleasant gesture.

- Do me a favor and don’t get kicked out again for the rest of the year. I won’t be as lenient next time, knowing what you’ve become. Got it?

- Yeah... Sorry again about your weekend... There’s no chance I’ll have it.

- I’ll make sure you don’t. That will be your punishment, she tells me. I had planned to offer you a weekend in the Alps with my friends. Now I’ll have to reschedule everything since I can’t go anymore, and I’m not sure if you’ll be invited then.

- What’s this about...?

- I wanted to surprise you since I’m forbidding you to go back to Barcelona.

- You would have taken me with you...?

- Of course.

- And now you don’t want to take me?

- Not until you prove you deserve it.

She winks at me before leaving the room. I quickly toss my paper towel and follow her. Damn it! I’ve messed everything up! I’m sure she’s trying to make me feel guilty, and it’s working perfectly. I try to convince her to change her mind on the way back, but it’s no use.

- Please, Luc-

She puts her finger on my mouth, making me stop so I don’t run into her. I look around and see that we’re back at the office, and our friends are laughing at us.

- That’s enough. I said no.

- So, are you two best friends again? Ingrid asks.

- No, she’s just trying to persuade me to take her on the weekend we planned.

- Oh... I forgot about that... Damn. Can’t we go now? Can’t you work something out?

- That’s what I’m trying to ask her! I reply.

- I said no. It’s your punishment. Now move your chair over here. You’re supposed to be helping me, remember?

She sits behind her desk with a determined look. I glance at Ingrid, who seems exasperated by her friend’s behavior. Without much enthusiasm, I follow the order and sit next to her. Alexia also sits next to Ingrid to work better. I retrieve the previous sheet and make myself comfortable, crossing my legs.

- First to finish wins? Ingrid challenges us. We’ve been waiting for you for this.

- Fine by me,  Lucy surprises me by agreeing. You’d better be efficient. I hate losing.

I chuckle and nod.  Lucy gives the signal to start our silly contest. I quickly give her the first eight-digit code to avoid getting scolded. We keep going like this for a good half hour until the bell rings in the hallway.

- Already? Ingrid exclaims. Do you have one or two hours of detention?

- Two, I respond instinctively at the same time as Lucy.

 Lucy gives me a dark look.

- What? It was my turn to answer.

- Hmm.

I sense amusement from Ingrid. It’s true, it’s pretty funny to see us connecting this way. Alexia is more discreet next to her, even though she’s probably thinking the same thing as us.

"Alright, give me the next one?" she reminds me.

Friday, January 15; 12:40 PM - Manchester Airport.

Ten minutes have passed since Lucy and I arrived at the airport. The morning had been tense since my dismissal, but  Lucy calmed down after we crushed the other team just before lunch. After that, we separated to eat, then I met her on the same side street as last time when it was time to leave. Now, I’m eagerly waiting for Mapi to arrive, and I think I’ve mentioned that enough already. I’m starting to get fed up with the tension between Lucy and me. It feels like it’s only getting worse. She’s been ignoring me since we got here, tapping away on her phone doing who knows what. I sigh in frustration. This situation is ridiculous. I was about to speak when she finally looks at me, but then she steps back, looking behind me. The next moment, something literally jumps on me. Lucy catches me to stop me from falling. I’m attacked by a wave of kisses, causing Lucy to step back.

"Mapi, cut it out," I laugh.

"I missed you so much! Oh my God, I thought I’d never land! Seriously, how do you manage to sleep through every flight?"

I laugh, recognizing my best friend and her way of complaining without mincing words. I turn around when she finally climbs off my back.

"Good to see you, Commander! Maybe not as much as my Ona, but still!"

"Good to see you too, Mapi."

Mapi sticks close to me until we retrieve her suitcase. Since I no longer have a phone to communicate, she catches me up on her crappy week in detail without paying any attention to Lucy beside us. She missed an important exam that she hopes to retake. She also tells me she ran into her ex with Feli. Judging by Lucy’s reaction to this news, I’m not holding my breath for her to change her mind about returning to Barcelona. She eventually talks about her casual flings, which I could have done without hearing next to my supervisor. I feel extremely embarrassed, unlike Mapi, who seems totally at ease. I get a brief break when she grabs her suitcase from the conveyor belt.

"Does she always talk this much?"  Lucy asks.

"It’s just the beginning..."

"Great. I thought no one could be worse than you."

"Hey!" I lightly punch her. "I’m not that bad! And I did warn you that you were taking a risk by picking her up."

She pinches my cheek when I pout. I give a victorious smile when she apologizes, saying she was joking. She quickly withdraws her hand when Mapi comes back. She resumes her monologue all the way to the parking lot.

"Wow, nice ride! An Audi? You didn’t mention that, Ona! Can I sit in the front?"

"No!"  Lucy and I reply in unison.

"Whoa, calm down, you two," she chuckles.

 Lucy avoids us by getting into her car. I help Mapi put her suitcase in the trunk before we get in too.  Lucy hasn’t let me drive her car since last week, but I was glad she let me do it at least once. The feeling of driving her car was magical, and I understand why when it purrs at startup.

"By the way, Ona?" Mapi asks.

"Can’t you just shut up for, like, five minutes?"  Lucy growls.

"Is she always this grumpy?"

I laugh as my best friend points at  Lucy with an indifferent look.  Lucy’s going to explode any second if she keeps pushing her buttons like this.

"If you don’t stop soon, I’ll leave you on the side of the road!"

This scene is truly hilarious. Mapi eventually cooperates by sinking into her seat and sulking. Now she knows what it’s like to be put in her place by  Lucy Bronze.

"What was your question?" I finally ask.

"Um, I’m not sure I’m allowed to talk..." she pouts.

"Don’t be upset. She was joking. Right, Lucia?"

"Mm," she responds.

"So?" I press.

"Did you sort out your phone problem? You said you would this week."

I sigh and shake my head, thinking about that issue.

"I called my mom. She gave me a hard time when I explained that mine was broken. We argued until she finally agreed to let me cancel the line and get a new one."

"And?"

"Well, I eventually got the green light."

"So it’s good? You can get a new phone?"

"Normally, yes."

"Then why don’t you already have one?"

"Because Lucy will take me when she feels like it."

I see Mapi flinch in her seat through the rearview mirror. I glance at  Lucy, who sighs heavily. I place my hand on her shoulder to try to calm her down. I think Mapi’s presence is irritating her. She was happy to host us last week, though. Maybe I’m wrong. Her mood has worsened since my dismissal. I feel responsible. We had started the day off well. I smile as I realize that my touch has an effect, against all expectations.

"Go ahead, Mapi, spit it out,"  Lucy encourages.

"Well... We could go get one now, right? But, you know, it’s up to you! You’re the driver, after all..."

"Alright, let’s go. I’ll have the opportunity to leave you there if you keep annoying me."

I laugh, removing my hand from Lucy. She changes direction towards a street I recognize. She’s actually heading downtown.

"Take out my phone and send a message to Ingrid asking her to meet us," she orders.

I don’t think twice and do what she asks. My best friend is here, so she can ask hers to join us too. Ten minutes later, we’re in the underground parking of the shopping mall. I’ve visited a lot of places, but I’ve never been here. We follow Lucy, who heads for the stairs. She’s tapping away on her phone, as if we’re not even there. We arrive in the middle of a dozen brand-name stores. I spin around to see if I spot any stores I might like. It only lasts a second, but when I stop, I don’t see anyone beside me anymore. I move forward a bit, hoping to spot  Lucy, Mapi, or maybe even Ingrid, but I don’t recognize any faces. There’s no one. I’m alone, and I start to panic like a little girl who’s lost her mother in the supermarket. I look around and even search my pockets, but I quickly remember that I haven’t had a phone for weeks. I stop when I start to feel overwhelmed. I’m beginning to think I’ll never find them with all these people around. I jump when a strong hand suddenly presses on my shoulder. I was ready to fight back, but I relax when I come face to face with  Lucy.

"Oh, thank God..."

Without thinking, I hug her. She chuckles softly, accepting the embrace. She doesn’t seem to notice my panicked state. Yet, I can feel my heart racing against her warm body. I pull away from her so she doesn’t realize how exaggerated my reaction was.

"Sorry, I... I didn’t see you leave, and I thought I’d never find you again."

"Calm down," she smiles. "I’m here now. Give me your hand so I don’t lose you again. Your wonderful best friend and Ingrid are waiting for us."

She knows exactly how to calm me down. I smile and happily take the hand she offers. She pulls me along in a direction I definitely wouldn’t have taken if I had gone looking for them.

" Lucy?" I call out to her.

« Mm?"

- "I'm sorry for ruining your mood... It's my fault, and I hate seeing you like this."

I bite my lip when our eyes meet. She smiles tenderly.

- "It's not your fault."

- "But—"

- "I promise, Ona," she interrupts, tightening her grip on my hand. "If you don't want things to get worse, don't stray from me again."

I smile at her, and she finally lets go of my hand when we reach Mapi and Ingrid, who are deep in debate. It almost seems like they've known each other for ages, even though they've only met twice.

- "Oh, there you are at last!" Mapi exclaims when she sees us. "Can we go now?"

- "Of course. Try not to get lost again."

Ingrid and Mapi walk ahead of us as if we weren't there. Well, they do glance back at us occasionally.  Lucy tells me that the mobile store is on the next floor when I ask her. We take the escalator to get there.  Lucy takes my hand again as I start to lag behind them. The other two girls decide to leave us to check out the store across from the mobile shop when we arrive. At least we'll have a little peace, and I'll have time to choose a phone without any pressure.

- "Hello," a salesman approaches us right away with a predatory smile. "Can I help you?"

- "We're fine, thanks,"  Lucy replies coldly. "We're just browsing for now."

I give the salesman an apologetic smile, realizing that he's unwittingly sparked my boss's ire. I hurry to join her when she calls me over a bit further away. I apologize and quickly catch up to her.

- "I guess you want an iPhone? Can you even afford it?"

- "Yes, yes! My mom sent me some money."

- "Do you want to look at anything else?"

- "Are you kidding?" I giggled. "I only have Apple products; I'm not going to look at Samsung!"

- "As you wish," she smiles. "So, which model? You had a 13, right?"

- "Yeah," I sighed. "Actually, I'm torn. I could get the latest model, but I think it's too expensive. What do you think?"

- "What I think? It's not up to me to decide."

- "I'm just asking for your opinion..."

- "There's not much difference between the latest models. It's up to you to decide what you want."

- "Do you need advice?"

 Lucy lets out a grumpy sigh towards the salesman who returns. I stifle a laugh and place my hand on her arm, which is holding one of the displayed phones.

- "We'll come to you when I've made my choice," I simply say.

He nods. I think he got the message now. I smile, seeing  Lucy glaring at him as he walks away. I call her to get her attention. She raises an eyebrow, noticing my amused expression.

- "You think this is funny?"

- "He's not doing anything wrong; he's just doing his job."

- "Yeah, well, if his job is to check out all the pretty girl in this store, I hope he gets a bonus considering how often he stares at you."

I look at her, stunned by that comment I didn't expect at all. A burst of laughter escapes me, causing her to frown. It's one of the last things I expected to hear from her. I wipe away the tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

- "Are you done?" she snaps coldly.

- "Sorry, Luce, but why are you reacting like this? Who cares? I won't ever see this guy again anyway."

- "Yeah. Well, are you done so we can leave? The last thing we need is for the others to show up, and that would be the icing on the cake."

- "Hey, are you done being like this? As long as those two are together, they leave us alone. It's pretty nice, isn't it?"

- "Which one are you choosing?"

I sighed, realizing that my words wouldn't change her mood. I hope it'll fade soon because I won't be able to put up with it for long. I give up and change the subject, pointing to a phone in front of us, the iPhone 15.

- "That one, then?"

- "Yeah."

- "You know it's really expensive?"

- "Let's just say my mom transferred me a generous amount," I giggled. "Might as well enjoy it, right?"

- "You could use it for something else."

I stare at the new iPhone for a moment. According to people, it's the phone to have. I'm so tempted, but  Lucy's eyes are much more compelling. I let out a defeated sigh.

- "Alright, alright, I’ll go for the other one then."

I settle for the iPhone 14 that was right next to it.  Lucy nods, as if she approves of the obvious choice.

- "So, black or white, Princess?"

- "White," I finally said without hesitation, crossing my arms.

- "Okay," she laughs. "Let's find a saleswoman."

- "The salesman was fine by me," I teased. "Especially since I told him we'd go back to him."

- "You really want to irritate me to the end?"

We lock eyes for a moment until I look away to find the salesman in the store. I’m not trying to annoy her, but I don’t want to give her the final say on everything either. I smile when I finally see him and waste no time going over to him.

- "Ona," she

 growls behind me.

- "Have you made your choice?" he asks warmly when I reach him.

- "Yes, I have. Can you take care of it?"

- "I'm not sure your girlfriend feels the same way..."

- "Oh, she’s not—"

- "If it were up to me, I would have gone to your colleague already," my boss retorts. "Just do your job."

- "R-right... If you would follow me..."

The poor salesman is almost running out of fear as he heads to his desk with a computer. I wait a moment before following him to turn back to  Lucy.

- "Are you serious? Why did you let him think we were together?!" I giggled.

8

"I’m saving you from his flirting tactics."

"Oh yeah? Who says I didn’t want to be flirted with?"

"Doesn’t matter," she rolls her eyes. "Come on, he’s waiting for us."

I smile unconsciously as I walk past her. This situation is actually quite funny. The poor salesperson doesn’t dare look at us when we sit on the stools in front of his desk. He prefers to focus on his screen to do his job. I suppress a smile when  Lucy continues her act by placing her hand on my knee. I have no idea what’s gotten into her, but I don’t mind it.

"So... uh, what would you like to do?" he finally looks at me.

"Open a new line."

"Alright... Are you already a customer with us?"

"Yes."

"She’d like a new no-contract plan,"  Lucy intervenes. "That’s what you wanted, right?" she asks me for confirmation.

I nod with a sly smile. The guy taps on the keyboard as I give him my line number. He accesses all the information my mom provided when setting it up. Fortunately, she had the sense to put it in my name, or else I wouldn’t have been able to change anything. He quickly switches the line when I tell him the plan I want with a new number.

"Uh... what model do you want?"

"iPhone 14 in white," I replied.

"Are you sure you don’t want to go for black, being undecided that you are?"  Lucy asks with an amused smile.

"Stop it," I giggle. "You’re really silly."

"Yet, I’m the one on top," she murmurs.

Her words were a whisper, but loud enough for the salesperson to hear. I can’t hide my surprise when I catch her smirking. I can’t believe she dared to say that! My cheeks flush with embarrassment, and I can’t think of anything to say in response. She’s taking this role-play way too far. The salesperson is so uncomfortable that he gets up, saying he’s going to get my phone from the stockroom.

"What were you thinking?" I spitied as soon as he left.

"Oh, it was just a joke. I’m not sure which of you was more uncomfortable," she teases.

"It wasn’t funny at all, you idiot!"

I can’t hold back my smile as she laughs even more. Goodness, I don’t understand what’s gotten into her all of a sudden. Just a few minutes ago, she was completely grumpy.

"We should play this game more often."

I turn my head to hide my embarrassment. I didn’t know she could be so teasing. I push her hand away when she tries to slide it up my thigh to provoke a reaction. I glare at her, but she’s not intimidated in the slightest. She just chuckles and places her hand back on my knee when the salesperson returns. He sets the box with my new phone on the counter after scanning the barcode.

"Alright. Now we just need to set it up. We can do it together if you’d like."

"Yes, please."

He removes the plastic wrapping and pushes the box toward me.

"Do you know how to do it yourself?"

"Of course."

"I’ll let you handle it then. Is there anything else you need?"

"A screen protector,"  Lucy replies.

I hadn’t thought of that, but it’s a good idea considering how my last phone ended up. I nod, and he gets up again. Meanwhile, I take my new phone out of the box and insert my new SIM card under  Lucy’s watchful eye.

"This game is ridiculous," I say.

"I thought I was doing you a favor," she says, removing her hand.

"A little, yeah. But we both know he wouldn’t have tried anything more."

"That’s true. I don’t know what made me react that way, but it annoyed me to see him looking at you like prey."

A foolish smile spreads across my lips. I appreciate that she doesn’t let people disrespect me. I try to convince myself that there’s no hidden motive behind it. That’s probably the case anyway. I turn on my phone and start setting it up, syncing it with my account. I feel relieved when I see my home screen, as if I never broke my previous phone. I’m thrilled to find all my data intact.

"Did you manage?" the salesperson asks upon his return.

"Yes, everything’s working," I reply with a smile.

"Great, here’s the receipt," he hands me a sheet of paper. "You’ll find a one-year warranty, your new phone number, and of course, the price. Are you paying by card?"

"Yes," I confirm.

He hands me the machine once he’s inserted my card. I enter my code before handing it back.  Lucy takes the bag where the salesperson has put the empty phone box and the receipt. I thank the salesperson as he returns my card.

"Have a good day," he wishes us.

"Thank you, you too."

I put my phone in my pocket before anything can happen to it, and we head out to meet Mapi and Ingrid. It wasn’t difficult to find them. They were waiting on a bench across from the store. The first thing Mapi asks me for is my new number. I choose the simplest way: sending her a message. I do the same with  Lucy and end up getting Ingrid’s number, which she readily gives me. “Just in case,” she says. I’m not sure I’ll use it, but at least I’ll know who to contact if I can’t reach  Lucy one day.

"So, movie night at my place tonight?"  Lucy suggests.

"Really?" Mapi enthuses. "Like, all four of us?"

"I’d love to leave you behind, but Ona wouldn’t let me."

We all laugh except for Mapi. The girls get up, and we head back down to the parking lot. Mapi immediately agrees to Ingrid’s offer to ride with her. I stay with  Lucy, who seems pleased to get rid of my best friend. I know she likes her and that it’s just her bad mood talking, so I’m not worried about the rest of our weekend. I’m beaming when she hands me the car keys.

"You’re letting me drive?!"

"Mm-hmm."

"But I don’t know the way to your place..."

"I’ll guide you."

I don’t ask her a third time and take her keys. She makes sure I’m settled in and have my license with me before letting me go. I start the car, unable to hide my smile as I think about the evening ahead.

[adambja]

You asked for my void success story? And my void journey? well I am sharing it bestie!!

But again I won't share any personal stuff some people here are obsessive pls lmao

I typed it when I was on the discord server because someone who is in my experiment asked me so I answered and I asked myself like why not sharing it here after all that time and all these things I am doing (coaching - the experiment - more....) and I am so excited to share the results of my experiment after exactly 6 days and actually 2 people joined the experiment but they were late!

So.....

• let's begin with my void journey!

Okay basically I am sure no one actually knows this except for like 3 people on Tumblr and like 20 people in my experiment (cuz they asked me) my life before entering was actually great I already had everything I wanted my mom and dad are literally my role models and my self-concept was perfect and I am not saying it as an affirmation it's just me and I was always finding something from time to time related to the void state and I worked more on my self-concept using my tape I made it in early - mid 2022 (actually the same tape I sell now) then I started collecting information about the void from literally everywhere back in late 2022 then I started applying in early 2023 I entered in January but didn't really plan to manifest anything because I had the same manifesting abilities in my daily life then I thought about it more than once so I made a list full of everything I can think of at that time and I entered in early 2023 again

• How I entered?

It was just normal i was in the USA specifically NY at that time I was listening to my self-concept tape it was almost 10pm and I felt like I will actually enter today and manifest everything I wasn't even planning to do it but I knew I will experience it's just a feeling I felt at that time and I was feeling a lot of love at that time too so I meditated I didn't affirm I didn't do anything it was fully my subconscious mind but it wasn't that deep to me it was normal EVEN THO IT WAS NORMAL all these days when I entered affirmed the affirmation that's connected to my void list then got out and found everything that was on my void list in my apartment IT WAS SO SURPRISING TO ME but I didn't get overwhelmed nor confused! It was a great surprise!

Also the time it was like 2am when I got out of my void state as I remember and I was sitting at the same place for almost 15 mins just realizing what happened with me and why my head feels like this it was a weird feeling I still can't find a name to it or a word that explains it! i thought about the word "dizzy" BUT it's not just dizzy and it's not really dizzy - it's just a different feeling!

• What was my void state like?

I will say everything that's on my mind

The first time I entered it was pitch black

Then I typed on my void list that it's full of stars it's like outer space because I chose it to be like that (you can choose how your void state looks like too)

It looked exactly like this and everytime I wake up there since that day because I didn't change it! 🫶🏻

Entering was so intense not emotionally but physically even tho I didn't feel my body 😭 it was as if my soul is getting out of my body it was so unexplainable and special to me my body was tired after it and I was feeling too much in my head after getting out and back to my physical body I don't have words for what I experienced the first time and the second time 😭 but now I have no symptoms because it was so annoying so I manifested it away when I woke up in my void state the second day (this was on my void list tho like waking up in my void state everyday and being in my void state everytime I take a nap) - that feeling in my head was so bad like as if I was so high and can't even focus for 15 mins non-stop! That's why I manifested not experiencing any symptoms at all.

• What did you manifest?

I manifested a lot of things I wanted but tbh having these things wasn't that far from me like I already could do it without entering my void state at all and I won't be specific about what I manifested cause they are a bit personal but they were friendships/relationships + businesses + apartments/homes + money/more investments..... and way more

Also I already had many investments before I entered my void state hope this clears everything too

cause many people were asking me about how do I have tips for entering without sharing my story the tips are here tho they are very helpful - it was because I don't like these people who come to your DMs and ask you to help them once and twice and 3 times with their trauma dump message or ask pls like no it was just too much for me when I posted once that I entered then deleted it but here we are again if it happens just don't blame me I will just block people.....

• About the experiment's results

I am not sure if I should post it day by day?

So I am gonna make a poll and see what y'all think!

Also.....

• POWERFUL AFFIRMATION TAPES

(self-concept - void state - shifting - subconscious mind....more) (personalized and unpersonalized) • (discounts for students and specific clients depending on their problems and their situations i am dealing with) - message me

• FOR COACHING

(self-concept - void state - shifting....more) • (discounts for students and specific clients depending on their problems and their situations i am dealing with) - message me

And now that's it! 💋💋

Have a good day/night cuties🫶🏻!

@voidsuccessarchive

@voidarchivefiles

@voidsuccess

@voidbaby111

That's the post! 💋

You can send me a message too if you wanna suggest any idea for a post or something specific I will give you credits if you want credits + If you have any questions related to my void journey or self-concept even coaching you can ask me babes 💋🫶🏻

I would really be thankful because gurl I am so busy with (my life, coaching, the experiment and more...) rn I can't even keep up with posting here so I scheduled this post lmao thanks to Tumblr for adding this feature for real!

[rowanraven08]

Unsolicited tma rant no one asked for:

I’ve been thinking a bit about exactly what makes me like the Magnus archives so much, cause I’m not really into horror anthology. Yeah, it’s a good aspect of the genre, but it’s never really caught my interest that much. And I consider myself a fan of horror, but I don’t actually like that many horror movies that much. I like it as a genre, and watching video essays about it, about how different horror affects us, that sort of thing. Horror doesn’t even make me scared usually. I’ll flinch at jump scares of course, but it’s pretty rare that I’m watching a horror movie and be genuinely afraid of the murderer or demon or whatever’s on screen.

Tma even took me a while to get into. I started it maybe in October or November? And it took me until January to get even a dozen episodes in. It was good, but I was really just waiting until it got to the good bits that made everyone love it so much. I knew there was some sort of meta plot, and had a cannon gay ship, that was all I knew when I started, and the reason I kept on with it. I hate to say it, but if I didn’t know even that, I don’t think I would have listened to more than a couple episodes, because short self contained stories isn’t what I’m interested in. Especially when there’s a magic Latin book and a coffin with knocking (I thought it would be a vampire or something) or some weird thing luring people into alleys to kill them. I took those early episodes to be generic devil worship sort of horror, that the weird details were added in just to add to the spook. That’s something that tends to bother me with horror movies, when there’s all this dark magic just for the sake of dark magic, and ends with this big question or realization that can’t be solved. And I do understand ending movies with something the audience can’t understand, because the mystery and strangeness can add to the horror. But I really dislike this, I’m all cool with hard or impossible to understand endings, don’t get me wrong, but when there’s no way to theorize, no dots to start connecting, I find that really frustrating. A good example (I can’t find what movie it is, so if someone know lmk) is a movie with the classic family moves into large old house, creepy basement, with satanic sort of imagery. I did actually like most of it, the stairs to the basement were normal, until there was a ball knocked down them when the light was off, and you could hear it keep going far longer than the actual staircase was. That these stairs kept going for who knows how long when the light is off. What I didn’t like was the end, where we got to see what was at the bottom of these endless stairs, and there’s long lines of people in this void, just standing there. But there was no explanation for this, no way to start theorizing as to what this could be, why it happens.

This is what I thought TMA was gonna be. Each episode never really ended with an explanation, or a way to theorize (early on) and I thought it would stay that way. I remember in January I was finally listening to more on a plane ride, and got to ep22, Martin’s statement about Jane Prentiss. It wasn’t even this specific episode that got me interested, not fully. I did like the worms, description of Jane prentiss, all that but it was when I kinda realized there was something to theorize about, that there was actually something going on behind the scenes. And it kept me listening. It was a bit frustrating how slow the season seemed to go, because I wanted to know what the worms were about, and I admit I rushed through a few episodes, again, thinking they were just filler short stories to break apart the real meat of it. The episode I think that really sealed the deal was strange music, specifically the bit between Sasha and Jon, I wasn’t too interested in creepy clown dolls, but that silly little debate over how to pronounce calliope was honestly charming. Like “oh, these characters aren’t gonna be overdramatized horror movies characters, at least not too much.” Once I got to the season 1 finale I was obsessed and basically finished the rest in two or three weeks (I listened to the last 120 episode in a single week).

And good lord Jonny I am SO SORRY I DOUBTED YOU. Because none of it was creepy books or creepy dolls or weird coffins for the hell of it, you weren’t actually left with no idea of what the ending meant. You just had to listen to Jon as he because paranoid and pulled out the red string, pulling all the pieces together for you until we finally got the big picture. I never once expected the fears, or avatars, or that Robert smirk was anything but a weird architecture, that Jonah Magnus was anything but a stuffy old man who founded the institute. And that’s why I think I love TMA so much, is there really is a big satisfying pay out as a listener, I didn’t even put the dots together myself and it’s still gratifying. The slow realization that these episodes aren’t just horror for the sake of horror, they have a reason, an explanation, and it still manages to keep a level of mystery and unknowability that makes you just always want to know more. Re-listening has been genuinely so fun, because especially with later episodes I’m able to connect those dots, and see the full picture as it unravels. The thing in the dark alley wasn’t targeting smokers to be spooky, it was a monster collecting victims to use in a ritual, and that addiction is part of the web.

So yeah, that was probably really redundant, but I just really love that slow reveal, all the little bits you can connect, and theories you can make. Jonathan Sims forgive me for ever doubting your writing, I see now you’re a genius, please give me your brain, I need it for my own creativity. Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[mattmurdock42]

Enemy to Lovers

Summary: you go with your friends and Henry to an island, little you know what it will happen!

Warnings: unprotected sex. P in V. Face ridding, smutt, fluff, angst.

Wc: +-5k

( Henry e y/n, you are best friend with a woman whose husband is best friend with henry/ you secretly worked for the cia and henry for the mi6/ your friends didn´t know that you were enemies, always fighting over a clue on some case or some testemuny/ you had already got into serious fights/ during dinners in your friends house you´d always smile and tried to be polite, but you could feel tension/ they decided to go on a trip)

You worked for CIA, at England, since six years ago. It was a secret job, CIA had other undercover job for you, the owner of a bakery. You could say you had a normal life, excluding trips around the country for missions behind clues on cases, victims and assassins. You had been friend with Camilla since you moved to the UK. She's been your best friend, always supportive and respectable, which was perfect. She was a lawyer at a bank company and maried to Nicolas, Nick, who also worked at the bank. They loved to have dinners at their house, always inviting you, Camilla´s best friend, and Henry Cavill, Nick´s best friend. You were always happy to go, but there was only one problem, Cavill. You could say you were practically enemies. He secretly worked at MI6, who also had an undercovered job, as a baker, for your luck. The couple would always say that you should work togheter and this kind of things. You´d always laugh to not give up the disguise.

You had nothing against Cavill, if it were not for him always trying to still parts of your work to take it to MI6. You both had already fought over many things. The most serious fight was one, body to body: he was unarmed, you were with daggers. He left bleeding, and you passed out on the floor. You could barely look at each other without getting mad.

--------------~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~------------

It was the end of the year, and Cami and Nick were helding a dinner party at their house for family and friends. During dinner, Cami says for you to stay after it was over, she had something to ask you.

Dinner was over and there you stood, with the couple and Cavill.

"So, we have something to ask to you two. January third we are going to celebrate seven years of marriage in Maldivas´s island, and we would be very happy if you could come along. To show you how much it means to us your presence, we are going to pay your tickets to go and your accomodation." The couple said exited.

You didn´t know what to think.

"You have one week to answer us."

You both leave the house.

"Listen. Nick means a lot to me, so i´m going. I don´t think you should go." Henry says.

"Excuse me? Cami means a lot to me too. YOU shouldn´t go."

You both arf and go each to your houses.

The day of the trip arrives and you had already packed and was headed to Camilla´s house when suddenly, you see Cavill´s car parked in front of their house. You couldn´t belive you´d spent a week in a isolated island with your "enemy".

You entered the house and greeted the couple. You and Henry did your little "play".

You four head to the airport.

"My and Nick´s sits are B5 and B6. Your´s and Henry´s are E17 and E 18." Said Camilla to you. You didn´t like the idea of sitting with that jerk, but at least you were on first class. When you saw Cavill again, by his face, Nick had already told him the "great news".

You entered the plane and Cavill sat by the window. In the middle of the flight, you fell asleep, and, when you woke up, you were resting your head on Cavill´s massive shoulder. He was sleeping, so he didn´t noticed. You thanked god, otherwise he´d proably laugh at you for the rest of your life. (Little you knew that he was secretly awake and enjoying the little touch).

The plane landed. You were all tired and headed to the hotel. It was a huge, luxurious hotel. On the rception, you had the delightful news that you and Henry´d be staying at the same room.

"When we booked, it was already taken most of the rooms. And for the days we needed, only these were available. These and the couple´s suit. But the room is enourmous and has two beds, so it´ll have space for you both. i´m sure." Nick said for you two.

You were not believing it. The thought was unthinkable. Camilla pulled you to the side and said: " Sorry, y/n. We really tried, but we only got that room. If you'll have any troubles, tell me and i´ll send Nick to your room and you can stay with me."

"It is your aniversary, i´d never take Nick out of your room."

Cami smiled at you and said. " Thinking about it, Henry is really not that bad to look at. And the conversation will never stop, since you work in the same area. Think about it, girl." She winked at you, with a mischiveous smirk.

"You don´t exist, you know that?" You said.

Each of you went to your room. When you opened the door, there it was, only one COUPLE´s bed.

"There'd been a mistake, let´s go to the recpetion again." You said.

"Sorry, lady y/n, but that is the only room available. I´m sorry for our mistake, the site must be wrong, we´ll fix it right this afternoon!" The receptionist explained.

You went back to the room.

You looked at him.

"What now, mister smart pants?" you asked.

"You can sleep in the bed. I´ll order a bunch of pillows and blankets and sleep on the floor."

"Fine."

He called the reception and thirdy minutes later, a guy arrived with five pillows.

"Thank you, i have a bad lower back, so i need all this to sleep." He explained to the guy at the door, who was with an interogative face.

The first day, you four went to explore the hotel, to know all its activities and places to eat. The night came. Henry used the bathroom first, than you. You had rules: he´d shower and brush teeth first, to not rush you; right was your side, left was his. You didn´t speake to each other unless in front of the couple.

The second day of the trip ( one day after you arrived), Nick sugested for you to do a beach day, to rent a tend and spend the day there. The idea was lovely. You had so much fun, the food was great, girl talk with Camilla were amazing, and even Cavill behaved himself.

"So, how it´s been staying with Henry?" Asked Cami.

"It´s fine."

" i can imagine, that piece of fresh meat all around during the day. I don´t know how, but his scars make him even more handsome."

"What scars?" You didn´t notice, since you looked at him as minimum as possible.

"The one on his thigh, on his arm and on his lower back. I don´t know how he got it, but it seems pretty deep."

You looked at him, trying to catch sight of it.

"I had never seen him in summer clothes before, so i didn´t knew he got them."

The rest of the day was peacefull. You went back to your room and made your rotine. When Cavill got out of the shower, you glanced at his scars. You couldn´t tell why, but their places seemed familiar to you. You both were already layed.

"Good night." Cavill said.

"Good night."

The next day Cami wanted to see the capital. Another day passed.

The next day, you went to see the museum on the ocean. The couple had already dipped, so, the only known person you had to ask to tie your bikiny bra was Cavill.

"Do you know how to tie?"

"Do you know how to not say offensive things?" He said as he tied. When he went to put his oxygen tube, you heard him sigh. As you looked at him, his hand was on his lower back.

"Is that to heavy for you, big guy?"

"Shut up, fainty girl"

"You shut up, blood boy"

After the diving, when you came back to the little boat, your blood presure was low. It was normally low, but you were feeling weak. You managed to get back to the hotel looking fine. In the hall to your shared bedroom, you lean against the wall. He looks at you and see your eyes are narrowed.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes!"

"Sure, you almost fainting again means that you are okay."

"Look, just shut up and go to the room."

"I can´t let you faint here, it´ll destory the trip."

"Lovely."

"Lean on me, i´ll help you to the bedroom."

"Not a chance, bloody." Suddenly, you black out.

You woke up on your bed. Henry was already asleep. There was a glass of water and some crackers left for you on your nightstand. You drank and ate it. After brushing your teeth and taking a shower, you were laying on yor bed, trying to go back to sleep, when you suddenly notices the situation of Cavill´s "bed". He only had 6 pillows and a sheet to make as bed, excluding this itens, he was on the bare floor.

The next day, Cami said that you were having a spa day. Some parts it would be the four of you togheter, some parts you and her or you and Cavill. Your muscles had never been more relaxed in your life. It only had one hour and a half left to end that spa day, before going back to your room and preparing yourself for dinner. You and Henry were put togheter at that time; you´d just have the final massage at the same room. You two were only in a towel, alone in a room, waiting for the massues.

"Thank you for the care last night. And thank you for not telling Camilla about it."

"Your welcome. I understand how bad it is to feel weak."

Time passed and you finished your massage and the dinner, then, you went back to your room. Before getting in the shower, you looked at Henry and asked:

"Didn´t you ask for blankets also?

"They didn´t have it, it is a hot island, after all. I forgot this wasn´t England."

"How can you sleep?"

"i don´t, actually."

You raised your brows to him.

"i´ve already been more days with bad sleep."

You didn´t believe him. It seemed that he´d lost 20 pounds and he had black eyes.

"You don´t seem ok. It´s clear that you lost significant weight. You konw, since you helped me, i´ll let you sleep in the bed, tonight."

"No. Then you´ll have to slepp on the floor."

"We could share the bed. We´ll make a pillow wall."

He seems to think for a while. But then, his ego gave up and he accepted, recognizing that he really didn´t look really healthy. After your shower, you saw two pillows in the middle of the bed.

"Why didn´t you put four pillows?"

"I need two for my lower back." He explains as he goes to the shower. After 15 minutes,he came back, only in a black pajama shorts, since it was hot as hell. Now, you were both layed.

"What happened to your lower back?" You interogated.

"I got stabed, it hitted the muscle; now, it is hard to get comfortable with it ragged."

Half an hour passed, but neither of you were sleepy.

"Haven´t slept eighter, hein?" he groaned.

"Yes, it´s been ages since i din´t relax like that, so i think my body instinctively feels alert." You commented.

"Same."

He looked at you and solicited:

"You know, what if, just for this night, we forget our jobs and have a conversation with each other, like normal people?" he asked.

"How can i forget how to be a baker?" He gave you a chuckle. You liked the sound.

"I could do that, for this night." You said.

"How long have you been working there?" He asked.

"Twelve years. And you?"

"Fifteen. ... Are your blood pressure always low?"

"No, just when i feel pressure over my body."

"Where are you from?"

"I was born in Krakow, but raised on Boston, EUA. I heard Nick saying you are from London."

"Yeah."

"If it weren´t for our jobs, we could have been friends, i think."

"This inteligences should have an organized diplomacy between then, so it wouldn´t affect anyone lives."

" It really should. I´m sorry for you having to sleep on the floor. I was rude on not offering you the bed before."

"There is no problem."

"If i may ask, how did you get those scars? I don´t know how, but they seem familiar to me."

"Well, i got them at a wednesday night. I nedded a video tape from an assassin, but other agent from another secret service showed and, we fought for it. I took the tape in the end, but i left bleeding."

"Henry, are those...are those mine?" You say, stretching an arm to feel the scar from his arm.

"Yes."

"i didn´t knew it hitted you so deep, i´m so sorry. Oh my god, am i the cause of your lower back pain?"

"I could say so."

You didn´t know what to say. You were feeling terible, he wasn´t a bad person, he was just doing his job. You moved next to him and gave him a soft hugh. "I´m so sorry, i didn´t mean it. You must hate me for this."

"You were just doing your job. You were under pressure. And i started the fight, anyway."

He smelled good, and he was warm. Secretly, you wanted to stay hugged to him.

"If our jobs can´t be diplomatic, maybe we can. So we can avoid more disasters."

"i think that is a great idea." As soon as he finishes telling you this, you fell a thick hand embracing your shoulder and pulling you closer. You didn´t move. Did he also like the hugh? "Is it okay?" He asked, looking at you. "Yes", you said.

"S-since we are not hating each other this night, may i say, you look cute in bathing clothes."

You blushed, looking down. "You are not bad, too" You feel his hand through your hair. You didn´t pushed it away, so he understood the sign: It was all okay from you. He grabbed your waist and pulled you to straddle his waist.

"One night, love?" He asked.

"One night." You responded.

He was layed on his back and you were on top of him. You leaned and gave him a soft peck in his lips. You pull away and look into his eyes, your hands cupped his cheeks.

He placed you on his lap, while sitting. Then, his mouth sharply attacked yours, tongue asking permission to explore your mouth. As you gave it, he lifted you and possitioned you on the bed, staying on top. He broke the kiss to take of your tank top (you weren´t with a bra, since you were going to sleep) and went to work on your breasts. He sucked one nipple while one of his hands were supporting him on the bed and the other were tracing your thigh.

"Please, pet, open your legs for me."

You opened, but not enough for his opinion.

He left your breasts and went down. He gently took of your short and penties. But then he brutally grabbed your knees saying: " I said, before, for you to open your legs". It burned were he was touching you. With your knees in his hands, he placed then on his shoulders and went down to your cunt. He passed a hand and licked it, looking at you. "Well done, y/n, already wet for me". He gave kisses at your inner thighs, trailing them to finally lick your folds. "Daddy´s girl, say a number until 20".

"four"

He quickly bit your clit, making you scream in pleasure and surprise. He inserted two fingers inside you, curling them at an affordable pace, while sucking your cunt like a hungry man. You put your hand on his head, signaling to go faster. He did as you plead, making you a moaning mess. You feel a heat grow in your stomach.

"Hen-ry, i think i´m gonna...". You cum before you could finish.

He places a soft kiss to your belly.

"Sit, my dove". You sit. He lays almost in the middle of the bed. "Now, sit on my face."

"Are you crazy? if i not kill you first, you´ll be injured!"

"Baby girl, have you never done that?"

"No."

"I am sure you will like it. And you would be in completely control."

He gave you his hand to gide you to kneel over his face. You now were hovering it. He grabbed your hips, pulling you down. You were scared and resisted to him. "I´m to heavy. I´m not skinny, you are going to suffocate, or i´ll even break your neck or your nose". He became impacient and pulled you down, even you trying to resist to him. As soon as you sit, you feel his wet tongue circling your hole. You let a moan out. He let go of your hips and you got out of his face. "See, nothing happened to me. You are not heavy. You are perfect. You are entirelly perfect. Now do as i told you." You slowly sit back at his face. He starts to eat you, putting his tongue inside you many times, his tongue dancing all over your vagina. He roughtly smack your ass and growl. He was making you feel every sensation you could before cumming again. As soon as he growled again, you came on his mouth, soaking his chin. You get out of him. He was going to lay you again but you stopped him. You guidded him to sit on the edge of the bed and take of his shorts; you kneel, taking his already hard cock in your hand, smoothing a little before putting in your mouth. As you did, he shivered to the attention being given to his erection. You hollowed your cheeks and started to take it as deep as you could. The tip hitted the back of your throat, making you gag, the vibrationg hitting his sensitive spot, making him moan roughtly. He takes your hair and starts to guide your pace. You noticed he was reaching his orgasm and started to give special treatment to the tip of his dick, however, he sarted to try to pull it of. "what are you doing?"

"I´m not gonna cum on your throat. Not today, pet."

He pushes you away and you lay on the bed. He places himself between your legs and insert two fingers inside you, straching you out for him. He leans and takes you to a kiss. Suddenly, you fee him entering you. You break the kiss and moans to loud, your nails scratchin his back. He starts thrusting. The sound was intoxicating. You buck your hips, meaning for him to go faster. His thrusts became hard, but not hard enough to leave bruises, since you´d have to wear a bikini tomorrow. His breath were unsteady and you were soaking. "Henry, it´s comming!". After a couple of seconds you cum all over him. "Do you want me to take it of? We forgot the condom."

"No need, tomorrow i´ll take a pill. Go ahead, daddy." As soon as you finished, he let out a shy moan and came. He quickly kissed you before getting out.

He laid beside you, without breath. You get up and straddle him.

"You know, secretly, i´ve always wanted to ride you". You say massagim his cheast. You possition him in your entrance and you sit on it. He sits and hugs you. Then, he grabs your waist and you place your hands on his shoulders. You starts to move your hips and he follows your pace. After some kisses your speed increased and you both cum. You stay on top of him for a while, hugging his huge torso. Suddenly, he slightly arched his back. He hoped you didn´t notice the stiffnes of his muscles, but you did. You imediately get out of him.

"is it your back?"

"it´s nothing."

"of course it is." You say upset.

"Darling, it was just a little stiffness, i´m getting old". He kisses your cheek. "Let´s go take a bath, we are both soaking wet". He lifts you on his arms bridal style and caries you.

After the bath, you were cuddling in bed.

"What time is it?" You asked.

"Three am."

"Hen, how did you know what i liked during sex?"

"Well, you have been always in a defensive mood, always trying to prove yourself, how you never need help. So i thought that it had a big chance of, actually, you just wanting someone soft and caring for you, leading and helping. Besides, you didn´t stop me, so i just kept going."

You blushed at his explanation. "Henry, why did you ask me to say a number, before?"

"Oh! I wanted to know how many times I'd make you cum."

You then realised." What if I had said twenty?"

"Well, then I guess we would be up until the sun rises".

You looked at him incredulous.

" You know, that face sitting thing, i think i should try it more times."

"My face is always available for you whenever you want, dove". He says with a smile.

You both stay in silence for some minutes, then you say: "You know, maybe, we could repeat the sex. We just let our work go, and we be ourselves for a while."

"I would very much appreciate that." You both fall asleep.

The next morning, it was your last day on the island, so Camilla decided to spent the day on the beach again.

"What is that between your legs?" Camilla asked.

You looked down to see light bruises at your inner thighs.

"i must have beaten somewhere."

"I imagine that Henry´s lap could be called somewhere." She says laughing.

"Hey! I could have sleept with anyone!"

"Sure, then Henry´s back scratches are from somewhere unknown as well". Camilla smirked.

"Oh, shut up". You both laughed.

[desire-mona]

heard we were making house ocs and ive had a dingus floating around in my head since january so i FINALLY got around to actually making a proper ref sheet. i present my silliest

Dr. Nanette "Ninny" Amesbury :3

more under cut !

big warning lore n backstory n stuff is very bare bones and not all the way there cuz im #lazy

birthday is vague but lets go with ~35 circa s2

if i had a nickel for every oc i had who had absent parents and was raised catholic by their grandparents, id have two nickels. unintentional that it happened twice i sorta forgor the other one's lore for a bit and now its stuck so ummmmm sorry laney. wont be going into childhood bc i havent come up w that yet and honestly i dont care to!!! yada yada yada catholic guilt but not in the chase way bc she hasnt left the church n likely never will

ummmm relationship chart + template

lets just quick go over some relationship highlights cuz some are def more important than others

wilson: mr president a 4th ex wife has hit the james wilson. when were they married? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 😁

but they were married for like. 3 years? YES it ended bc he cheated but nin also wasn't the best either her ass was literally never ever there she was ALWAYS at work (like more than normal doctor amounts of at work - only came home to sleep and even that was only 4x a week(also worked at a different hospital))

tw suicide for next part bee tee dub

a big part of the beginning of their relationship was (big surprise) wilson's attraction to what he THOUGHT was neediness but was literally just nin wanting (and trying) to kill herself lol. once the magic of all that went away (perceived independence thats rly just #bottling shit up) he was just kinda like oh :/ its not cool to have a mentally ill wife anymore :/ i was expecting ramona flowers :/ or whatever. so infidelity impact font, hijinks and moving away for [amount] years ensue before nin being hired at ppth as the head of pediatrics. brief fwb situation w wilson Again b4 she finds out shes a lesbian at the end of like. s2.

oh yeah she also tries to kill herself again once she figures it out (see catholic guilt mention) but its cool she lives

cuddy: GAAAAAYYYYY GAAAAYYYYYYY GAY!!!!! DR AMESBURY WANTS TO FUCK THIS WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its one sided tho boooooo cuddys briefly like Wait ? just b4 nin moves away at the end of s6 roughly but shes already. thats done its not happening.

kutner: dont even fucking talk to me. i dont wanna talk about it. im gonna talk about it.

so kutner (like the slut that he is lowkey but society isnt ready for that) asks nin out just after he gets hired and shes like ermmmmmmmmmm! but sensing his loser aura she (still deeply closeted) is like hey haha i dont swing that way sorry !!!!!!! but its ok they become super mega best friends and get nerdy together

i like to think they listen to weird al together OH YEAH NINS THE BIGGEST WEIRD AL YANKOVIC FAN IN NEW JERSEY

and then nothing bad happens!

if youve seen this post about the little writing things kutner got after he croaked then hooray here's nanettes

they make me so fucking upset.

anyway as i stated above nin moves away after s6 for a bunch of reasons. 1) thanks obama 2) a big part of what contributed to her suicidal ideations n such was the fact that deep down she didnt ACTUALLY know what she wanted to do w her life. u may be like she doesnt. want to be a doctor ? NO she doesnt thats just what she did to get money to eventually do what she wants. whatever that is. something something feeling lost in life and unable to reach a goal when u dont even know what the goal is something something. also persistent depressive disorder but like spoon in kitchen.

idk what shes gonna end up doing after she moves but id imagine she shows up for house's funeral so i cant just be like lol nobody gets to know! im thinking painter but idk IDK guys her lore is ROUGH

thats it if u have questions ill answer thanks

[nurgletwh]

Hey all! You’re about to see why this got so delayed when Tumblr ate my post. >.<

Remember how I’ve previously stated “I disappeared because I had issues, but no worries!”?

Yeah.

Not so much this time. Which has only sunk in with retrospect and time. (@grumpyoldsnake is gonna be “I told you so!!!)

It still doesn’t really feel that way, because the human mind is stupendous at deemphasizing how much danger you might really be in/were in.

Some of this might be covering ground I’ve already covered here or elsewhere. However, I think having it all in one place and all sequenced together will not only help me keep things straight but give it all perspective.

With that out of the way, let’s see if I can not only keep this all the fuck straight but remember what ground I need to cover. I’m putting the rest under a cut for a couple of reasons. It’s long, and it may be triggering for some people. Please let me know if I’ve missed a tag I should have added.

October 2023

I went back to the Dr. to get my medications adjusted, as my blood sugar had gone back up. (Side note: I hadn’t been properly and regularly testing my blood sugar. I was exhausted and sleeping what felt like all the time with no energy to do much of anything at all.) For whatever reason, my blood pressure comes back rather shockingly high (164/108!!), not in line with what it’s been at all. I comment that I’ve never seen it that high, and the nurse says to have the doctor check it after I’ve been there a while.

It doesn’t happen because I’m forgetful.

My cholesterol also comes back high, but that’s been creeping up for years, so no shocker there.

Diabetes medications are adjusted, one is added for the cholesterol. By the time I get home, there’s another one for my blood pressure. I shrug and add it to my pile, since my blood pressure had never come down as far as I thought it should in the first place.

November 2023

Back for a follow-up appointment. My sugar levels haven’t changed all that much, and my blood pressure still comes back as pretty damn high, and I make a mental note to test it at home more regularly, because it doesn’t seem right.

Warning: diet talk.

———

We talk about stuff and whatnot, and decide to try Ozempic (as its original purpose was for diabetes) as the next step to get my blood sugar down.

I was aggravated as he goes on about things like how I’ll feel better for losing some weight, and I half-assed express a few concerns because I have disorganized eating habits. I already don’t eat consistently, and I firmly believe my current weight “problems” are due to my disorganized eating patterns (as well as picky eating and just not really wanting to eat in general) in my youth leaving me borderline malnourished. Most of my teen years were spent trying to get me to gain weight. FYI: being significantly underweight for a long time is a great way to have issues with being overweight later.

I go home with a prescription for Ozempic. Fine and dandy, although I’ve been getting the impression he doesn’t really listen all the time.

———

December 2023

Christmas happens, travel happens, fun happens.

January 2024

Cute cat pic, just because. :-)

Next appointment. My blood pressure still reads significantly higher than normal (156/92), and higher than it has been at home, but what with travel and all, I haven’t really been testing it to back up that assertion. The doctor tests it and gets approximately the same result.

I get another prescription for an additional blood pressure medication.

(Can you guess where this one is going?)

I woke up a few days later with a massive headache that wouldn’t go away. I didn’t connect this at the time, but based on what happened next, I think it was.

The day after that I felt a bit dizzy. When I wasn’t feeling much better by lunch, I took my blood pressure and got 94/68. I took it again and got about the same thing, so I had my coworker (who is also a volunteer EMT) test it. He got 100/54. I continued to check it throughout the day, but it wouldn’t stay consistent. I bugged out of work early, finally sending a… well, grouchy message to the doctor (after hours, unfortunately) firmly expressing my frustration that I wasn’t believed when I stated my at-home readings, pointing out I am also an EMT.

My reading was 96/74 when I went to bed.

I felt even shittier the next day. BP was 94/62 that morning; I stayed home from work. The doctor responded to my message when the office opened, discontinuing the most recently added BP med, sanctioning the choice I’d already made. :-P

Unfortunately, my BP continued to plummet throughout the afternoon and evening. I sent a message that evening and asked what to do, continuing my pattern of sending messages after the office closed. 🙄

I took my blood pressure using my automated cuff before going to bed. It errored out twice before I got this:

Lovely, eh?

(The systolic generally reads 8-10 low, but the diastolic is generally bang on.)

I took it manually; 80/54. I send a follow-up message with those readings.

I felt awful the next morning. The act of sitting up made me dizzy. I stumbled out to the living room and called in to work again; I was in no condition to drive. My heart rate was elevated to around 100-110 (it normally runs fast, about 80-90 in the morning).

By late morning, the automatic cuff wouldn’t do anything but error out. I sent another message asking at what point I should go to the ER. I didn’t get a response from the doctor, but did from one of the nurses, who told me that anything under 90 systolic with symptoms qualified.

What. The. FUCK.

I basically decided that if it got worse, I’d go in. I told a friend to check in with me regularly and stayed in my recliner, drinking water and Gatorade to at least get fluid in.

The lowest reading I got on my manual cuff was 78/52. FYI: I should have been in the hospital the day before. This is “almost died” moment number 1. I was a fucking idiot. Denial is deadly.

——

I think this needs split up; I’m gonna post this now and keep writing, because I’m going to hit some sort of character limit sooner or later. O.o

[t00muchheart]

Okay so we know that Dean was at Sonny’s for two months in the Spring of 1995—it was either March-April or April-May, because the wrestling trophy was April 1995. I think it’s safe to assume the latter, because we know that, while Dean was at Sonny’s, Sam was with Bobby & John was hunting, and that William Harvelle died on May 16th 1995 while on a hunt with John. It seems likely that it was after this hunt that John picked up Sam and then went to get Dean, too, which leads us to the third thing that happened in 1995 (or, I suppose, sometime before January 23, 1996): the hunt Dean told Gordon about from when he was 16.

That scene (In 2x03 (Bloodlust)) is SO interesting to me because even outside of the context of later seasons, the wording and acting are both super interesting: Dean is clearly telling a story and playing it up a bit, but the words themselves aren’t overtly positive; instead, they emphasize that Dean is set apart from normal kids—“seeing things they’ll never even know. Never even dream of.” Gordon is smiling as he listens, grinning as he states that Dean “embraced the life” but Dean’s face is serious & contemplative as he agrees. The acting on both sides makes it abundantly clear that the two have different understandings of “embracing” the life: when Gordon says it, there’s an aspect of enjoyment that isn’t there when Dean is talking about it.

In context, though, and particularly in context of 9x07 (Bad Boys), Dean’s story is even more compelling: by Dean’s own account, he was 16 when this hunt happened, so either he went on this hunt between January and April (or possibly March, depending on when he was at Sonny’s)—before Sonny’s—or, more likely, sometime after he left Sonny’s. If we assume it was after—at most eight months after Dean tasted normalcy and John lost Bill Harvelle—Dean’s words gain another layer, especially the line “I’m sixteen years old. Kids my age are worried about pimples, prom dates…” because, as we know, Dean spent part of his time at Sonny’s getting to know & flirting with Robin, and was going to go to the dance the same night he ended up leaving, only deciding to go when he saw Sam in the Impala with John & knew he couldn’t leave him alone. In light of that, it’s clear that this line is not Dean looking down on the normal life, it’s Dean giving up on something he once wanted, coming to terms with his life as best he can.

In summary: John left Sam and Dean alone, and Dean got caught stealing food for them to eat. Dean went to a home and Sam went to Bobby’s and John went on a hunt and lost a friend. John picked up his boys and kept hunting, bringing Dean with him (putting him in danger, as he well knew considering what had just happened with Bill) while leaving Sam in the car (neglecting him). Dean stood in front of a fire as a body burned and watched as the dreams he’d let himself have for a short time burnt up with it, and even years later, recalling the scene fondly, couldn’t quite manage to sound like he was happy about the idea of letting them go to embrace the life.

[morganski-19]

I Don't Know Which Way's Home

Chapter 13: Birthday

ao3 link, Part 1, Part 12

cw: minor dissociative episode, talks of depression

January 1986

Julie stands at the bus stop, hands shoved as far as they can into her jacket. It’s not exactly a winter coat, but with another layer underneath, it’s not bad. Her cheeks might be red, and her nose might be freezing, but it was just for a few minutes. Then the bus would come, and while it would only be slightly better than the temperature outside, she at least wouldn’t freeze.

That is, if she didn’t miss the bus.

She woke up ten minutes later than normal, which is a lot when the bus already likes to come five minutes early and not even stop when no one is waiting there. And when her normal morning routine consists of getting dressed in something she hoped worked together and drinking a cup of coffee as fast as she can without burning herself, missing the bus was more common than she’d like to admit.

The snow on the ground crunches against her weight as she pokes it with her foot. Trying something to bide the time before just giving up and going home. She’ll miss the day, but it could be worse. Having a day off of school for her birthday was a treat when she was a kid. Now it was just a sick reminder that she would spend a majority of the day alone. Fuck managers for scheduling her mom for a double and no one wanting to take one of her shifts.

It's fine, Julie convinces herself. It’s always fine. Her mom will be home at night, and they’ll have a piece of shitty cake that she bought from the convenience store, and it’ll be fine. So, what if it was her sixteenth birthday. Didn’t make it that different from her fifteenth, or her fourteenth. Not like it was a big year for her. There was no way she could afford to get a driver’s license. It’s just another average day that happened to be the day she was born.

A car speeds out of the parking spot down the street, music blaring, barely stopping at the stop sign she’s standing at. Julie definitely missed the bus.

The window rolls down and the music gets louder, as if it possibly could. Eddie Munson says something to her that she can’t hear. She makes a confused face that causes him to turn the music down.

“I was asking if you needed a ride?” he says, leaning his arm outside the window.

Julie debates taking it. Deciding whether a day spent with people she can barely tolerate is better than a day by herself in a barely heated trailer. But being around some people might be better than being around no one.

“As long as you promise not to drive like a maniac.”

Eddie laughs. “I can make no promises. But you’ll get there in one piece.”

Julie shrugs, walking around the car to get into the passenger seat. She can barely get the seatbelt clicked before Eddie’s speeding out of the trailer park and on the way to school. He turns up the music again, but not as blaring as it was last time. Somewhat considerate.

“You ok?” Eddie tries to start conversation. “You look pissed.”

Julie scoffs. “Well, I did miss the bus on the coldest fucking day possible. So, I am pissed.”

“Yeah sure but looks like there’s something else.” He speeds up to pass under the light just before it turns red. “You don’t have to talk to me, but you could. If you wanted to.”

“I’m not going to join your DnD club, if that’s what you’re after. Not going to magically work this time.”

Eddie dramatically hits his chest. “I’ll wear you down some day. But that wasn’t what I was asking.”

This isn’t the first time Eddie’s driven her to school. Or the first time he’s offered to listen when she’s had a bad day. Or just needed to rant. They weren’t friends. They were barely acquaintances. But he had this thing where he went around and adopted freshmen into his little crew. She was one of those lucky targets. But it didn’t work. Fully.

He was still there, like a presence she couldn’t quite get rid of. It was nice some days. To have someone who was generally a good person, despite their image, to talk to when she needed it. Sometimes she just needed a neutral ear to give her some advice. Especially since she really didn’t have anyone to talk to about this anymore.

“It’s my birthday today,” Julie said quietly, hoping the music would drown her out. “And my mom’s not going to be around for most of it.”

Eddie sucks in a breath. “Well, that sucks. How old are you today?”

“Sixteen.”

“Damn, a big one. Double sucks.”

Julie picks at her cold fingers. “Yeah. And I can’t even be mad at her. She tried to get someone to cover for her at work, but no one would step up. And we need the money, so she can’t risk calling out or getting fired. I just wished she wasn’t scheduled today of all days.”

“I get it. Wayne works doubles all the time, and some would fall on the big days. It sucks cause you feel like you don’t get a say in how you feel about it. But you do. No one gets to tell you how to feel other than yourself. You can be mad, even at your mom. Just a little bit. But if she tried, that’s a lot better than other people would do.”

He pulls into the school and finds an empty parking spot. All the way in the back of the lot since they’re so late.

“And, for what it’s worth, happy birthday.”

“Thanks. For that and for the ride.”

Eddie shrugs. “No problem.”

. . .

Julie sits at the counter, eating her breakfast like normal. Steve trying, and probably failing, to sneak glances to her to gage her mood. To see if anything’s shifted. If this week is going to be worse than the last one.

Steve knows that it’s her birthday on Saturday. He remembered the date from when he saw her birth certificate and marked it on his calendar a little while later. Julie can either be ok with it like Christmas, or it can be bad like her mom’s birthday. But Steve doesn’t know, and he doesn’t want to bring it up. He should, and he will. He just doesn’t want to ruin what could be a bad day with the reminder.

Julie rolls her eyes, looking up from her bowl of cereal. “What, Steve?”

He forgets how obvious he is sometimes. “Nothing,” he tries to play off.”

“You’re doing that thing where you look like you want to say something but are worried if it will affect me. Just say it.”

Steve looks down at his plate. “I was just, wondering, I guess. I remembered your birthday is on Saturday and wanted to know if you wanted to do anything.” He should really stop talking, but he doesn’t. “We don’t have to do anything at all, really. I barely celebrate my own birthday but thought it was worst mentioning because I don’t know what you do. Or did, before, well you know.” He’s cut off when Julie starts laughing. “What?”

“It’s nothing. You just sound so much like Robin right now. You guys really do share a brain.”

“We do not,” Steve starts to say defensively before giving in. “Ok fine, we might just a little. But seriously, your birthday.”

Julie pushes her food around with her spoon. “We never really did anything big. When I was little, it was pancake mountains with every topping. But after a while, she stopped being able to get off work. So it was store bought cake after school, or after nine.”

“Would you want to do that?”

She takes a second to think before answering. Pressing her lips together in thought. “Maybe not exactly. I can’t predict how I’m going to feel when I wake up. I might be ok, but I might not.”

Steve leans forward so he can see her better. “How are you feeling about it now?”

“Sad,” she whispers. “Like I know something’s missing. I know who’s missing. But not, like, sobbing sad. Just that little ache that never quite goes away. But amplified just a little bit.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” He’s known it for far longer than he should have. “How about this, we wait until the morning of to see how you’re feeling. I have the day off from work, so there’s no rush. I’ll be here. If you want to do something special for breakfast, great, we do that. If you don’t, we don’t. The same goes for the cake, or dinner. We’ll play it by ear, ok?”

Julie nods. “That sounds ok.

“And, if you want to invite over a few people, you can. For dinner or for cake or some shit. Just to have them here. Whatever you want.”

“Ok.” Julie finishes her breakfast, bringing her bowl and mug to the sink before heading to grab her things. Steve does a quick wash of the dishes, piling them on the drying rack before grabbing his keys and vest from the hall. When she comes down, he drops her off at school before going to pick Robin up for work.

When they get to work, Steve opens shop, leaving Robin at the front desk and going to the manager’s office. He had a meeting, which was boring as hell, had an interview to fill Robin’s empty shifts now that she started school. Manager things. That he hates just a little bit, but likes the pay raise.

Robin comes in during her break to check her schedule for the next week. Her eyes widen as she double checks the date on Saturday, before turning to him. “January 28 is Julie’s birthday, right?”

“Yep,” Steve says, still reading resumes.

“Oh my god, we have to do something right?” Robin thinks out loud. “Or maybe not, I don’t know if she likes her birthday. Or if it’s different this year cause, you know. I mean, she’s related to you so she might hate her birthday. Have you talked to her about it? Should you talk to her about it?”

Steve rolls his eyes. “Yes, I’ve talked to her. We have a plan. Now if you please, I actually have work to do.”

Robin ignores him trying to push her out of the room. “What’s the plan? I want in.”

“We’re waiting to see how she feels that morning. And if she’s up to it, something small. We might not even have people over at all, so calm down.”

“Ugh, fine. But you better invite me over if there’s cake.” She leaves the office, leaving Steve alone.

. . .

Julie knows that she should be feeling something. But she’s not. There’s been no tears, no wishing, no anger. Just nothing. She kinda just feels empty. Hollow. With a little chest that’s full of sadness, and she knows it’s there. It’s just not open. None of the other chests are either. Leaving the room empty. Her empty.

It’s not like she wants to feel. Feeling nothing is better than her heart getting ripped out of her chest every time the sun rises and reality sets in. But feeling nothing comes with one thing, guilt. That she should be sad, she should be crying. Screaming at the universe for what it did and leaving her like this. Praying to be able to go back in time and call her mom before she went to sleep that night. See if she could beg her to come home early. Or if staying up for another hour would make her mom magically materialize at the front door, perfectly safe.

But it’s all a tune that’s been played before. The bargaining. Wondering if she had done something else, the crash would have never happened. A trail of what if’s repeat in her mind. Telling her that if she did something different, things would change. Her mom would still be here. It never changed anything though.

She did things to block out the sad. Telling herself that if she wrote a little that day, she couldn’t be sad. Because she couldn’t write at all a few months ago. So, she’s better now. She has to be. She was getting dressed every day, taking showers regularly, able to finish a meal. That’s improvement. She should feel improved.

She doesn’t, though. Every day, she wakes up with something missing. Something ignored. There’s a pull in her chest that tries to make it up to her eyes, tries to get the tears flowing again. But can’t. The pools are dried, they have been for weeks. She hasn’t cried in weeks.

It should be an improvement. It doesn’t feel like it. Nothing is felt, nothing is expressed. Her smiles are faker, and her laughs feel foreign. She’s good at faking, so no one sees it. But when they look away, the smile falls back into a thin line. Cheeks hurting from the unnatural pull of her lips. Her eyes stare off into nothingness, unfocused. And she just sits. Feeling nothing important, and only guilt.

“Hey,” El says, sitting across from her. “Julie?”

Julie is brought back to the cafeteria. El’s face focusing again, looking concerned. “Huh?”

“Are you ok? You looked like you were somewhere else.”

She was. Everywhere and nothing all the same. Her mind filled with the conversations around them, not the one she should be a part of. Filling her ears and making it hard to hear. “Spaced out, sorry. What were you saying?”

Max groans. “I was complaining about the people that threw popcorn at me and Lucas when we went to the movies this weekend. It’s bad enough that I can’t see the movie to begin with and Lucas has to whisper what’s happening to me. I don’t need things thrown at me.”

Julie winces. “Shit, that sucks.”

“I know. And like, watching movies at home is so much easier because we can pause it and he can explain it to me. But it’s not the same. I just want to feel normal again.”

El grabs Max’s hand and gives it a comforting squeeze. The conversation shifts, but Julie’s mind wanders again. Back to nothing and everything. Where nothing registers and everything’s ignored. The bites of food taste like nothing, but it’s better than ash. She wants to eat it, but doesn’t all at the same time. She barely hears when the bell rings to go to her next class.

In class, she’s not paying attention. Writing down words that don’t register, letting the words flow out of her brain as fast as they enter. That’s only when the words make it there in the first place. She’ll pay for it later, but doesn’t seem to care. Her grades could slip again. Even if she just made up for it. They can slip. There are more important things to think about. Feel about. Or not feel about.

A police siren drives by the school, and she’s brought back to that day. When the world came crumbling down. It’s like the scene plays out in her mind, but she’s there watching it again. Seeing herself start to fall apart, not believing that it’s true. The moment her mind left her body for a second, and she became frozen.

The image leaves and the room is blurry. Her veins feel full of led, dragging her closer to the floor. Someone calls her name, and her head turns, but she doesn’t tell it to. Her teacher looks at her concerned, from what she can tell.

“Go to the office,” the teacher says. “Someone is coming to pick you up.”

Julie doesn’t know who, there’s no one that can. Her mom isn’t around anymore. But she still picks up her bag, smacking her arm against the desk. Students’ heads turn towards her as she leaves, some whispering to themselves. She doesn’t care. She’s too focused on how she’s walking when her legs feel this numb and heavy.

And then she’s sitting again. Picking at her thumbs out of instinct. Trying to see if she can feel it. She can’t. There’s a slight panic rising in her chest, but it’s fleeting. Something’s wrong, but she’s too spaced out to say what. So, she’s left waiting.

. . .

Steve picks up the phone when it rings.  “Harrington residence.”

“Steve, it is me, El.”

“Hey, El. Aren’t you in school?”

“Yes, I am calling you from a payphone. I am worried about Julie.”

Steve stands up a bit straighter, gripping the phone a little tighter. “What about?” he asks, telling himself that it’s nothing bad so he won’t freak out.

“She was not herself at lunch. It took me four times to get her to hear me say her name. She was not eating, just staring.”

It’s a worse day than he thought it was. Maybe he should go pick her up. “It’ll be ok, just one of her bad days. Thanks for letting me know.”

“No, this was worse. I have seen the bad days. It was like she was not here, Steve. Somewhere stuck in her mind, but not here.”

“Ok. It’ll still be ok. I’m going to come pick her up, make sure she’s ok. Ok? Thanks for letting me know.”

“Ok. Thank you, Steve.” El hangs up the phone.

Steve does the same, heading to the living room to shut off the tv. He finds his shoes, then his keys. And then thinks it’s probably a good idea to call the school to let them know he’s coming so they can call her down. Makes up some excuse about a doctor’s appointment. It’s the same secretary that he knows won’t care to double check.

Julie’s waiting for him in the office when he gets there. Staring at her fingers and picking at the skin. She’s going to have to bandage them later. He signs her out, calling out to her twice before she realizes that they can leave. El was right, she’s stuck in her head.

In the car, she stares out the window. Steve doesn’t try to speak, it’s better to do it when they’re home. He knows what’s happening. It’s happened to him too. Much worse than this, but he knows.

It takes a second for her to register that the car stopped. She gets out of the car, slinging the bag over her shoulder like it’s a foreign motion to her. Looking around at the environment with confusion in her face but nothing in her eyes. He walks around the car, gently ushering her to the front door. Not in a pushy way but giving her the direction her brain isn’t.

She walks to the front door and waits for him to open it, then walks inside. He brings her to the living room, and she sits on the ground. Back against the couch. Steve leaves the living room and comes back with an ice pack, pressing it into her hands. She grabs it, confused.

“Can you tell me what you feel?” he asks gently, sitting across from her.

“Cold,” she responds softly.

“That’s good. How about where we are right now, can you tell me that?”

She looks up from the ground, her eyes scanning the room. Slowly blinking more than before. “The living room. Home.”

“Good, that’s good. I want you to take a deep breath ok. I’m going to count to four. Once for breathing in, again for holding it, then for exhaling it. Nod if you understand.”

Slowly, Julie nods. Steve counts, watching her breathe in, holding the breath until he tells her to let it out. The breathes become stronger, and her finger starts to tap along with his counts. Her eyes meet his and they look less droopy. More awake.

“Where are we, Julie?” he asks again.

“Home, the living room. You picked me up from school.” Her voice is more certain, less strained.

Steve smiles gently. “What’s in your hand?”

“A warm ice pack.”

“What’s the last thing you remember before I picked you up?”

Julie swallows, leaning back. “I remember lunch. El and Max were talking, they noticed I wasn’t. I said I was spaced out.”

“Was that the same as when I came to pick you up?”

She shakes her head. “No, that was different. Like normal spaced out when you get overwhelmed or something. The other one was different. I-,” she pauses, trying to figure out how to say it. “It felt like I was inside my body but not. Like I was doing things but not sure why. And I couldn’t feel anything.”

Steve remembers the first fourth of July after Starcourt. How the fireworks sounded like bombs went off in his ears. Like they were still in his hands, being thrown at the mind flayer. How just before that, he was in a Russian bunker bonded, drugged, and beaten. He couldn’t move for hours.

Robin said that it was the most scared she’s been since they dragged him into the room unconscious and dropped him right next to her. She couldn’t get him to hear her. And that was after her own panic subsided. They thought spending the day together would have made it better. But they still panicked.

She ended up doing the same thing he did now, having read some article about PTSD victims in one of her anxiety induced library runs. They needed to prepare if no one was there to help them. They needed to be able to help themselves.

He doesn’t remember much about those hours when he was frozen. Just that he didn’t feel right. Or there at all. Like his mind and body were in two separate places. Bones felt rigid and everything felt numb. It felt wrong, and he didn’t know why.

“It’s happened to me before. It’s called dissociation. Sometimes it can be minor, kinda like the type you had today, or it can be major. It can last for hours, sometimes days, maybe even a week. Some people can still move, some can’t. It can happen to people who have gone through traumatic experiences, and those who are going through grief.”

Julie’s eyes start to water, and she tries to blink them away. She lets out a shaky breath, visibly trying not to cry.

“Hey, hey,” he soothes. “It’s ok. You can cry if you need to.”

“I heard a siren, I think that’s what caused this. I was fine, and then I heard it, and it brought me back to that morning. And it just felt so fresh all over again, but it was like I was watching myself in my memory react instead of me actually reacting. And then it was gone, and everything felt so heavy.” She stops, mouth opening like she wants to say something else but all that comes out is a choked sob.

Steve places his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, it’s ok. You’re back now. It’s going to be ok. Just let it out.”

Julie crumples forward into Steve. He wraps her in a hug as the sobs break through. Holds her close. Sits there patiently as she calms down slowly. Until her breaths become even again and her tears start to calm.

“How’d you even know to come and get me?” She asks softly.

Steve hums. “El called me. It’s not the first time we’ve delt with something like this, so she knew the signs.”

“I’m glad she did.”

“Me too.”

. . .

Julie doesn’t go to school the next day. Still rattled with what happened yesterday. Why it happened. And how. She would never have guessed that she was affected like that. Until it happened.

She takes it slow. Sleeps in until noon and takes a long shower. Focusing how the water feels and the senses around her. Keeping herself aware. It makes her feel safer, especially since Steve won’t be home for a few hours.

She eats a small breakfast, or lunch. Finds the blanket she likes and brings it to the living room, sliding in her favorite movie. And just sits. Lets herself be for a moment without pretending. Her body sinking into the couch.

Memories of sick days of her childhood come into her mind. How her mom would take off work and they’d sit on the couch watching movies and tv all day. Wrapped up in a blanket with tea or hot chocolate in their hands. Laugh at the funny parts and cry at the sad. The world felt different on those days. All the struggles disappeared, and it was just them. They were happy.

Julie clicks off the movie when the credits role, feeling empty again. Staring off into space as she takes a deep breath. Tears want to fall but they come from nowhere. The pools still dried, only filled slightly yesterday out of fear. The ever-present ache in her chest amplifies, tugging at her brain trying to make her feel. Nothing comes. Julie is numb.

Pulling the blanket tighter around herself, she falls deeper into the couch. Wanting to occupy herself with something, she clicks the tv back on and finds a random channel. Letting the reruns of old sitcoms play in an endless loop. Letting the noise fill her mind when her own thoughts won’t.

When Steve comes home, he finds her there. “Hey, you ok?”

“Yeah,” she answers, still wrapped in the blanket. “I guess.”

“You guess or you know?” he sits down next to her.

She sits up. “I don’t know.”

He nods. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Julie doesn’t know when Steve became this person that she could just talk to. There was a time where they were strangers, and then a time when they were like this. No in between, just a direct shift. It’s strange how fast this became her new normal, how fast that they became close. How it felt kind of normal, like they’ve known each other longer than just a few months.

How it’s weird that they have only known each other for a few months. It’s gotten to a point where Julie can’t imagine a life without Steve being a part of it. At least on some level. While she wished that they had met in different circumstances, she liked that they met at all. That he and her were a family.

“It’s just,” Julie starts. “I was expecting to feel something, about this week you know. But I haven’t. I haven’t really cried since Christmas when we went to visit mom. I guess, I feel kinda guilty that I’m not more affected by this.”

Steve takes a second to think. “There are more ways to feel sad other than crying. Just yesterday you were affected by it, even if you didn’t cry because of grief. Just because you’re not crying doesn’t mean you still aren’t grieving, or that you’re not sad.”

“But my birthday’s on Saturday,” Julie reasons. “And she’s not here and I should feel sad about it. I don’t feel sad about anything.”

“Robin is so much better at this than I am,” Steve mutters to himself. “I think I know what you’re saying. Do you, like.” He pauses, trying to figure out how to phrase what he’s thinking. “Do you feel like emotions are just kind of there, but they don’t stay and even when they’re there, they don’t feel real? Like you’re empty?”

Julie’s shocked with how that explained exactly how she’s feeling. “Yeah, it’s like I’m numb.”

Steve softens his expression. “I need you to know that this is not something to feel guilty about. How you’re feeling, it doesn’t mean that you’re not sad. But this might be something that I’m not the best to help you with.” He takes a deep breath. “Have you thought about maybe seeing a grief counselor?”

Life was too crazy after her mother’s death that it never really crossed her mind. With all the moves, with the adjusting. It was all too much at once.

“No,” she answers honestly. It might have been mentioned in the first week after the accident. But she wasn’t paying attention in any of those meetings. Her mind was always somewhere else.

“I’m not saying that you have to go to one. But I think it might help, especially with what you’re feeling now. So, just think about it, ok.”

“Ok.”

Steve nods, standing and going to the kitchen to make something for dinner. Julie, feeling weirdly motivated after this conversation, pulls out the beat-up copy of The Hobbit that Dustin lent her. He insisted that she take it, saying that the fact that she’s never read it was a travesty. And if they were to ever be friends, it was like a requirement or something. She hated that she kind of liked it.

That’s another thing that just happened in the past few months. Julie had friends. Like a whole group. She’s never had that before. Sure, there were people that she vaguely knew that she would sit with at lunch in middle school. And there was Mary. But once she moved, Julie never really filled that spot again.

Then high school came with all of the cliques, and she never found her own. So, it was a lunch table with people she didn’t know and her journal, or a book, just trying to get through the day. She didn’t know how much she missed having a friend until they were suddenly thrown at her. And this group didn’t know how to let go even if they’re not wanted.

Julie thinks of her mom. How she would have smiled learning that Max from down the street is now one of her best friends. How there was another girl named Jane, but went by El, that came with. Be happy seeing Julie be happy.

She would have liked seeing Steve and Julie grow their relationship. Happy that Steve took Julie in and was anything but his father. Happy that Julie is in a safe, loving home, even if she wasn’t a part of it. She would want Julie to keep living the life she always dreamed. Graduate high school and go to college. Maybe write a book one day. Maybe change careers entirely. Her mom wanted to see Julie conquer the world.

And she would want Julie to celebrate her birthday. Even if it felt wrong to do so without her. Even if Julie would miss her more than the day before. She didn’t want to see her little girl hurt more than she needs to.

“Life keeps moving,” her mom said once. “Can’t stop it, no matter how hard you try. There’re two things you can do. Mope around and let it drown you or look it straight in the face and tell it that you’re ready for whatever it can throw at you. And trust me, it can throw a hell of a lot.”

It’s like Julie can still here her mom’s voice in her head. Still feel the feel of her mom’s hands against her cheek as they cup her face.

“You, Jules. You could take on the world if you wanted to. And you taught me that I can too.”

Julie lived by those words for a long time. Up until the accident. It’s easier to drown than to keep fighting, especially when the world looks so bleak. But sometimes there’s glowing specks of light at the top that are too tempting to ignore. People that remind Julie to fight again.

Steve calls out that there’s food if Julie wants it. She yells back that she’ll be there in a minute. Closes the book that she wasn’t really reading, too lost in her own thoughts. Looking at the creases in the cover, the warped corners and the frayed edges. It wasn’t perfect, but it was loved.

The two options that her mom posed all those years ago made sense at the time. It was easy to pick one or the other when life was simple. But life isn’t so simple anymore. There are days when Julie’s drowning, and lets it happen. Then there are days when she’s able to work with what life’s given her.

Thinking about it, the second option is more complicated than her younger mind initially thought. Life is unpredictable and cruel, but it keeps moving. It’s better to move along with it than staying stuck in place. Even if moving one foot forward seems impossible, it can still happen. As long as she tries.

“Would it be too late to say I wanted to do something for my birthday?” Julie prompts halfway through dinner.

Steve looks at her shocked, but there’s a soft smile on his face. “No, not at all.”

. . .

“And you’re sure you wanted to invite everyone, not just Max and El,” Steve asks again, walkie in hand.

Julie did think about keeping it small. Thought about just having over a few people. But she’s never really had a birthday party before. Not with a lot of people. She’s been to them. Been to the parties with the giant cakes and games that no one really likes. Just never had one of her own.

And it’s not like she doesn’t get along with the guys. They’ve been secretly growing on her more than she’d like to admit. As noisy and frustrating as they are. But they were nice and loyal and cared. About her, about each other. It felt nice to be in a group like that.

So, screw it, she wanted to invite all of them. Because she genuinely liked them.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Steve shrugs. “Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you about this.” He picks up the walkie, holding down the receiver button. “Code Periwinkle, my house at six.”

Julie snorts. “Periwinkle, really?” Steve just shrugs.

There only a slight break before Robin’s voice comes over the walkie. “Fuck yes, cake.”

“You with Harrington DNA need to get better about telling people when your birthdays are,” Dustin angrily says through the walkie. “Like I’m sorry we care about you.”

“Jesus, calm down,” Lucas says.

“Just be glad he’s only slightly pissed,” Mike says.

“Yeah, remember when he found out that Steve lied about when his birthday was,” Will says.

“I am still fucking pissed about that.”

Julie looks at Steve. “You lied about your birthday?”

“I didn’t really like my birthday when I lied about it.”

“I’m offended that I just heard about this now,” Max says over the walkie, “but I will still be there.”

Julie takes the walkie from Steve’s hand. “Also, don’t bring any presents or anything. This isn’t anything special, just my birthday.”

That starts a whole thing that just ends up with a bunch of static and broken sentences as they all try and talk at once. The group keeps bickering over the walkie until Steve turns it off. Then they get to work. Dinner’s easy because they are just going to order some pizzas. But the house could use a clean and it’s a reason for Julie to pick up the clothes on her floor.

Once her room is clean, Julie heads back downstairs to see if Steve needs any help. There’s a sweet smell coming from the kitchen. It confuses her. Steve’s doing dishes when she walks into the kitchen.

“What are you making?” She sits on one of the barstools.

“Cake, it is your birthday after all.”

“Oh.” Julie can’t remember the last time she’s had a homemade cake at all, let alone for her birthday. “What kind?”

Steve dries his hands on a towel after resting the last dish on the dish rack. “Vanilla, can’t go wrong with that. Hope that’s ok.”

“No, it’s terrible, I actually hate vanilla,” she deadpans, watching Steve’s face start to panic before she smiles. “I’m joking, that’s fine. Good, even.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, that was terrible,” Steve exhales. “You can’t do that to me.”

Julie laughs. “I’m sorry. You’re just so easy to mess with. Need any more help down here?”

“I don’t think so, I got most of it done yesterday. How are you doing though? You seem better.”

Better is a loose term. It like the happiness that she’s feeling is resting on the outside of her skin, not sinking in. Like she’s wearing it as clothes instead of actually feeling it. It doesn’t feel like a mask, though. Or anything really.

But she is happy, with that slight tinge of sadness as an aftertaste. Her smile isn’t fake, and she was able to joke around again. When she woke up, she didn’t dread getting out of bed. Wanted to wear something other than sweats. Cleaned partially because it was a chore, but it didn’t feel taxing. It was a good day.

“Ok,” she answers. A good day didn’t mean a great day, and there was still the feeling of emptiness inside. “I feel happy, kinda but not really. But it feels good, not like I’m pretending or anything.”

“If anything changes, say the word and I’ll kick them out.”

Julie smiles. “I think I’ll be ok, but thank you.”

A few hours later and the doorbell rings. Julie gets up to answer it, almost immediately being crushed in a hug by El.

“Happy birthday,” she says with a squeeze. “I cannot believe that you did not tell us. But I am glad you did.”

Max rolls through the door, Lucas pushing her, with her arms crossed. “Only took you till the day of.”

“Max,” El and Lucas say in unison. Max waves them off.

Julie shrugs. “I didn’t know if I would want to do anything at all. So, I didn’t tell you.”

“At least you have a good reason,” Dustin complains when he comes in. “Unlike someone else we know,” he yells down the hall.

“You need to let that go,” Steve yells back.

“I will not, Robin knew your real birthday before me. And I knew you longer.”

Robin comes through the door, placing her hand on Dustin’s head to push him out of the way. “That just means he likes me better. You guys do know you can move into the house, right? We don’t have to crowd the doorway.”

The group slowly moves into the living room, the rest of them coming in with Eddie and the pizzas. Almost as fast as the pizzas were brought in, they disappeared. Everyone stacking a few slices on their plates before going to the living room to watch a movie. With no fighting because it was Julie’s birthday, so she got to pick, and no one could say anything about it.

When it ends, they gather in the kitchen to have cake. Insisting on singing even though Julie tries to protest. But they do anyway. Not in synch at all, but it doesn’t matter. It makes Julie laugh.

“So,” Dustin starts when they sit down to eat.

“So what?”

“How do you like The Hobbit?”

Lucas groans. “Dude, you’re making her read The Hobbit.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Mike asks.

“You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to,” Max interjects. “He’ll make it seem like it’s a big deal, but it’s not.”

“Yes, it is. It is crucial knowledge that is needed to be a part of this group.”

“Well, I never read it and I’m still here.”

“I have been reading it,” Julie says in hopes to stop the argument. “But they, like, just got to the Lonely Mountain, so calm down. It’s good.”

“See,” Dustin says victorious, “she likes it. I am not forcing her to read it.”

Julie tilts her head to the side. “I mean, there was a little forcing. You did shove it into my hands and then run away so I couldn’t give it back.”

The argument continues until it eventually just dies down into something else. Slowly, parents start to come and pick up their kids. Robin and Eddie stay to help Steve clean up, Julie being forced to sit down when she tries to.

Steve stops her before she heads upstairs to bed. “I know you said no gifts, but,” he hands her a journal. “Happy birthday.”

She looks at the journal in her hands, a red bow stuck to the cover. “Thank you.”

He gives her a side hug before returning to the kitchen, leaving Julie to go upstairs. When she does, she slips on her mom’s sweatshirt when she changes. Climbs into her bed.

Staring at the ceiling, she can almost feel the warm smile on her mom’s face. How happy she would be knowing that Julie had a good day. Good friends. Good family. Know that Julie was taken care of by people who cared about her, wanted to see her succeed.

The happiness of the night left, as if they were taken off when she changed outfits. Sadness doesn’t fill the void that was left, though. Nothing really does.

Thinking about it, Julie should talk to someone. Wants to. Maybe she’ll bring it up to Steve tomorrow, and they can find someone. Or call Sarah, see if she has any recommendations. But that is a tomorrow problem. Right now, Julie wants to go to sleep knowing that today was good.

Wants to feel the smallest bit of joy that was in the house an hour ago. Feel it soak into her and stay instead of draining as soon as the night ended. Find someway to patch up the whole that keeps letting her feelings out. Keep them instead of constantly feeling empty.

Like a child, Julie grabs the pillow next to her and holds it close to her chest. Pretending it was the bear she used so much that it eventually lost its leg. She wasn’t sad. Something else that she couldn’t quite name. She just wanted a little extra comfort as she fell asleep.

Tomorrow, she promised herself. She’d do something about it tomorrow. Right now, she needed to sleep.

Tag list(let me know if you want to be added or removed): @homoerotictangerine, @mugloversonly, @thesuninyaface, @imyelenasexual, @anaibis, @ilovecupcakesandtea, @brainsteddielyrotted, @jackiemonroe5512, @eddie-munsons-missing-nipple, @goodolefashionedloverboi, @cinnamon-mushroomabomination, @lolawonsstuff, @writingandmushroomdragons, @stevesbipanic, @sierra-violet, @steddie-as-they-go, @dauntlessdiva, @mousedetective, @the-daydreamer-in-the-corner, @zombiethingy, @connected-dots-st-reblogger, @that-agender-from-pluto, @allyricas, @cheddartreets, @devondespresso, @crypticcorvidinacottage, @queenie-ofthe-void @chronicpainstevetruther, @cheddartreets, @theupsidedownrealestateagent, @acidbubblegummie, @sirsnacksalot, @l0st-strawberry, @helpimstuckposting, @strawberry-starss, @freddykicksasses, @italianwhore1, @i-threw-my-name-out-the-window, @rageagainsttheapathy, @nuggies4life, @ape31, @whimsicalwitchm, @chrissycunninghamfanblog, @michellegilligan, @hippielittlemetalhead, @bridget-malfoy-stilinski-hale, @jaytriesstuff, @confused-stripes, @faeb1tch42069, @marklee-blackmore, @hel-spawn, @genderless-spoon, @mamafaithful, @estrellami-1, @starryeyedpoet17 @i-amthepizzaman, @lilpomelito @melonmochi

[queeniecook]

January 10

The New Year had started much like the last year had ended for Asa Blake. Being experimented by James. It's been months now and Asa is fast losing any belief he had in the past that the cure to vampirism will happen.

He feels worse after every "session" despite his ex-wife, Annalise, doing her best to help him manage his..illness? He feels like he did when he was human and had a bad case of influenza but maybe it's progress? That he feels something that isn't normal for one of his kind.

He mind is thankfully distracted from his existence when he catches James approach Liberty through the window. Normally he would stay and listen but he rather go lay down in his coffin and rest.

"I know something is going on, you've been avoiding me for months. I rarely see you." James confronts his wife. Granted he finds plenty to keep himself busy with.

"I have a job now." is all Liberty offers. 

James has to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "I know that and I know you spend time with your sister but something else is going on."

Before Liberty realises it, James is in front of her. She really is distracted, she's the vampire not him.

"Tell me what it is, darling." James demands softly. "I'll find out anyway."

"I had a conversation with Caleb." Liberty admits, glaring at her husband. She wants to rip his handsome face off his head. 

"Let me guess, he apologized to you?" James asks. He's not really surprised the two ex-lovers ended up speaking to each other though he's not really pleased about it. 

Liberty nods her head. "I don't totally forgive him but it gave me some answers I needed." She knew her spouse wouldn't be happy about her talking to Caleb, that's why she had been avoiding him so she could sort through the conversation for herself without any outside opinions. 

"Did he happen to mention how he killed Ciara?" James asks firmly, grasping his wife's chin gently and making her look at him. 

"What?" Liberty asks him, her voice a whisper. She could feel her heart break at the idea of Ciara being killed. She had known that Ciara had been gone for a few years but didn't know what had happened to her. 

James sighes, his features and his voice softening a bit. Despite what some may think, he doesn't enjoy seeing his wife sad but he had to tell her. It's the truth after all and the truth was going to keep Liberty from forgiving Caleb and staying on his side. Twice now the truth of all things has gotten Caleb in trouble. "It's true. She kidnapped Vera. Caleb, Lilith and Dakota went in to rescue Vera, Ciara was killed during all of it."

Liberty backed away from James "I...need to think."

"Ciara." Liberty whispers, trying not to cry. She understands many hated her God-daughter but all Liberty could think of was holding her for the first time when Summer and Travis brought her home from the hospital.

[erinelliotc]

A tip I give as a listener and music lover: don't give up on songs after listening to them for the first time.

You know, one thing I've learned from my experience listening to music (and which I'm confirming even more now that I've started listening to Will Wood) is that sometimes it's not that you think the song is bad or meh, sometimes you just haven't listened to it enough. Sometimes it's not that you don't like the song, you might actually like it and just not be in the mood to listen to it at that exact moment. And especially if you're listening to several songs at once for the first time, you may not absorb them all well, so it's important to listen to them again other times.

This happened to me with a lot of The Living Tombstone songs. I'd listen to a song for the first time and think "That was kind of weird, I didn't like it very much", or "That wasn't bad but it wasn't good either", then I'd decide to listen to it a few more times, usually at other times, and then I'd start to LOVE the song.

Now this is happening to me with Will Wood.

Before going to the main topic I'll contextualize the following: I discovered Will Wood through "I / Me / Myself" on TikTok (don't judge me I'm trans okay 😭 this song means a lot to me. This is still my most listened song of his so far, but "Front Street", my favorite Will Wood song, is almost taking the top spot) because of an edit (made by @flowerpuff09) with Double D from "Ed, Edd n Eddy" (my biggest hyperfixation) and it immediately became a song I listened to every day almost all the time for many weeks and I even made 4 Eddy edits with this song (first I realized that the song on Spotify wasn't exactly the same as the one in the edit, and then I discovered that there was a demo version and an official version, and I ended up loving both equally in different ways). So in another Ed, Edd n Eddy edit on TikTok, this time an Eddy edit, I discovered "The Main Character" and loved it, and then I discovered that it was ANOTHER fucking Will Wood song! At that moment I thought I should listen to the rest of his songs because it was already the second song of his that I loved, and so I did.

The first time I listened to all of his songs (January 30th), I added to a playlist the songs that I felt I really liked from the first time I listened to them. If you're curious to know what songs they were here's the list so you can judge me (observation: I listen to the 2015 "Everything is a Lot" album except Aikido and EIAL / Destroy to Enjoy, and to the 2020 Remastered Version of SELF-iSH):

6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro / Con)

Skeleton Appreciation Day in Vestal, NY (Bones)

Front Street

Thermodynamic Lawyer Esq, G.F.D.

Chemical Overreaction / Compound Fracture

Cotard's Solution (Anatta, Dukkha, Anicca)

Hand Me My Shovel, I'm Going In!

Suburbia Overture / Greetings from Mary Bell Township! / (Vampire) Culture / Love Me, Normally

2econd-2ight-2eer (that was fun, goodbye.)

I / Me / Myself [demo]

I / Me / Myself [official]

…well, better than the alternative

Outliars and Hyppocrates: a fun fact about apples

BlackBoxWarrior – OKULTRA

Marsha, Thankk You for the Dialectics, but I Need You to Leave.

Love, Me Normally

Memento Mori: the most important thing in the world

Your Body, My Temple

When Somebody Needs You [Song]

Tomcat Disposables

The Main Character

Against the Kitchen Floor

Willard!

Then I listened to my 23-song playlist non-stop for almost 3 weeks. And even the songs I already liked seemed to get better over time after listening to them more times, like "Marsha, Thankk You for the Dialectics, but I Need You to Leave.".

One day while reading Reddit, I saw some people commenting about not listening to "Euthanasia" because it was too sad, then I decided to watch the "Euthanasia" music video and ended up crying and loving the song, so I added it to my playlist. 2 weeks later, I added "Mr. Capgras Encounters a Secondhand Vanity: Tulpamancer's Prosopagnosia/Pareidolia (As Direct Result of Trauma to the Fusiform Gyrus)" to my playlist too after giving it another listen and really liking it (I was trying to increase the number of songs on this album because I felt sad listening to only 3 songs, even though it's a small album). A few days later I added "Ferryman" and "The First Step" after watching a video compiling the best parts of Will Wood's songs. Almost a week later I decided to give the "Everything is a Lot" album another listen and then I added "White Knuckle Jerk (Where Do You Get Off?)", "(Cover This Song) A Little Bit Mine" and "Lysergide Daydream". I also added "Venetian Blind Man (Song)" after seeing someone on Reddit say it was an underrated song, listening to it again and realizing it really was.

And something unusual happened. Somewhere in the middle of all this I also removed "BlackBoxWarrior – OKULTRA" because even though I liked it the first time I listened to it, it became a song I kept skipping, then I realized I didn't like it that much (please don't kill me. I know a lot of people love this one, but I found it to be my least favorite on "The Normal Album"). Whether I like or dislike a song ends up being about the sound, not the lyrics, mainly because English isn't my first language, so I end up not caring that much about the lyrics. It's not that the lyrics aren't important to me, what happens to me is:

If I like the sound of a song, and the lyrics also talk about something I like, identify with or find important, the lyrics come as a bonus so I like the song even more

If I like the sound of a song, but the lyrics have nothing to do with me, the song is still just as good for me

If I don't like the sound of a song, but the lyrics talk about something I like, identify with or find important, it doesn't change anything for me, it doesn't make me enjoy listening to the song one bit

Basically, the lyrics make songs I already like better for me, but they don't make a song I don't like better, or a song I like worse.

Fun fact involving me not being a native English speaker: besides Will's lyrics being very abstract in general, I'm also not fluent in English and I never made any effort to pay attention to his lyrics either, so I had no idea what "Tomcat Disposables" was about. But every time I heard it, I became inexplicably extremely sad and melancholic and even teared up even without knowing what he was talking about. One day I decided to look for the meaning and now I know that it made perfect sense to be sad about this song, and of course now I feel even sadder than before listening to this song. He did a really good job of making the melody capture the sad feeling of the story.

So from March 15th until the day before yesterday (for 1 month), I listened to this playlist of now 30 songs. So the day before yesterday I decided to listen to his albums again, and now I just added one song after another. The more I listen to his songs, the more I realize that I actually really like them. The songs that were added practically all at once were:

¡Aikido! (Neurotic/Erotic)

Everything Is a Lot

Destroy to Enjoy

2012

The Song with Five Names, a.k.a. Soapbox Tao, a.k.a. Checkmate Atheists! a.k.a. Neospace Government, a.k.a. You Can Never Know

Dr. Sunshine is Dead

Laplace's Angel (Hurt People? Hurt People!)

Cicada Days

That's Enough, Let's Get You Home

Um, I Mean, It's Kind of a Lot

Half-Decade Hangover

Vampire Reference in a Minor Key

Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll

White Noise

Yes, I like "Destroy to Enjoy" more than "BlackBoxWarrior – OKULTRA", leave me alone. And yes, it took me a while to like "Laplace's Angel (Hurt People? Hurt People!)". It's my second least favorite song on "The Normal Album", but it's still good enough for me to put on my playlist. I swear, I REALLY wanted to like this song more, considering that "The Lorax" and especially the Once-ler were hyperfixations of mine in 2021. And yes, it took me a while, but now I love "The Song with Five Names [etc etc insert 4 more names here ...]". "Cicada Days" also finally got a special place in my heart, but the one I'm listening to most from the album "In case I make it," is "That's Enough, Let's Get You Home", the ending really touches me.

Anyway, now I have a playlist of 44 songs. I may still add more, but in general I'll enjoy listening to all of his songs (except "You Liked This (Okay, Computer)" and generally those that are only instrumental), even the ones I don't consider favorites (the ones that aren't on my playlist).

Then that's it. Give a second, third, fourth listen to that song you didn't like. It might even become a song you love and listen to all the time.