#I almost had nothing for february and june

[bilolli]

Good intetions for 2024: draw more backgrounds hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[rapunzelbro]

The Act of Stealing a Loved One |1| (Stanley Pines x Reader)

This is a beginning of a prompt I wrote. Please don't expect chapters quickly. Enjoy!

Story guide

Being the wife of a man who went missing was hard. Many told you it was time to move on, many told you he was dead, and hell maybe you should just move on. But if they knew what happened that night, what actually happened to the man you loved, they would know why you couldn't exactly give up hope. You told him to shut it down, to stop what he was doing, hell Stan even did, but none of that would matter.

When he got trapped in the portal, it was the day you shut yourself out from everyone, you moved back to the small town home you two had bought before moving to Gravity Falls, you couldn’t take living in the house he went missing in. Stan kept living in his brothers’ home, turning it into some ‘Mystery Shack’ tourist attraction after a few weeks, which you wanted no part of. And after that, it was just radio silence. You didn’t hear anything from Stanley, nothing about your husband, it was just silence.

10 years went by. You still had hope that he was going to walk in that door and embrace you, telling you about the crazy things he saw while he was away, promising to never leave your side. It was now August 1992. He was smart, he knew about this sort of thing, so he was going to be back in your small home in New Jersey any minute now. That was going to happen… Right?

Another 10 years went by. You were grasping at straws trying to keep the memories you had with him in your mind. It was February 2002. The ring on your finger was a reminder of the love you two had, your hope was beginning to slip away. You stared down at your phone. Some weird new portable phone you finally decided on getting after debating. You should call Stan…

You never ended up calling him.

10 years later you had a car packed, a for sale sign was up in your town home you once lived in. It was now June 2012. Your wedding ring was no longer on your finger, you put it back in its box years ago. He wasn’t coming back, it's been 29 years. You were headed back to Gravity Falls, Oregon. To say you were nervous would be an understatement, you didn't know what to think. How would Stan react?

Shit. Stan. You had to call him.

After starting your car, you scroll through your contacts before landing on your brother-in-law, Stan Pines. The contact photo was an old photo of him from your wedding, he was being chased around by some smaller kids who were there tormenting him, thinking it was hilarious, you obviously had the photographer take a photo of it. Looking back on it gave you hope that he was willing to forgive your absence. You dialed his number before you started driving, praying he hasn’t changed it after all these years.

It was on its final ring before someone finally answered “.. kids don't do anything stupid! Ugh…Hello?” he sounded the same as you remember, almost identical to your Stanford. “Hello? If this is some telemarketer im not interested” he said again, you realized you did say anything “Hi! Uh Hi sorry. Stan.. Is that really you?” you heard him spit his water out before coughing, then clearing his throat “Y/n.. it’s you. Um, geez sorry not good at this, why are you calling me? It's been 29 years..” He sounded off put by you calling him. “I’m heading back to Gravity Falls Stan, I was hoping I could see you? Unless you don't want to then-” “Quit rambling.. You're sure you want to see me after all these years? I did uh, take over your old home” Stan muttered into the phone “That wasn’t my home Stan, and yes I'm sure. I'm driving so it'll be a couple days until I arrive. I have a place already so don't worry” You sigh slightly

“Grunkle Stan who are you talking to! Is it a girl?” you can hear a younger girl on the other side of the line, you must be on speaker. “Who’s that?” you ponder “It's no one” Stan quickly replies, hearing the girl gasp “Y/n Pines?! Grunkle Stan! You’re married?! DIPPER YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS” She had to have seen the caller ID. Guess he just added you as a contact “Mabel you get back here! Shit, Y/n I gotta go, I’ll get it sorted out. I can’t wait to see you” Stan grumbles before hanging up. You slightly smile at the interaction.

You marrying Stanley? Hard pass.

Taglist: @cherryblom @leo4242564

[literaryvein-reblogs]

1912 Diary Entries: Franz Kafka

31 January. Wrote nothing.

25 February. Hold fast to the diary from today on! Write regularly! Don’t surrender! Even if no salvation should come, I want to be worthy of it at every moment.

26 February. Better consciousness of myself.

8 March. Day before yesterday was blamed because of the factory. Then for an hour on the sofa thought about jumping-out-of-the-window.

11 March. Yesterday unendurable.

16 March. Rather be sleepless than live on in this way.

17 March. Today, painfully tired, spent the afternoon on the sofa.

18 March. I was wise, if you like, because I was prepared for death at any moment, but not because I had taken care of everything that was given to me to do, rather because I had done none of it and could not even hope ever to do any of it.

22 March. (The last few days I have been writing down the wrong dates.)

29 March. Delighted with the bathroom. Gradual understanding. The afternoons I spent on my hair.

1 April. For the first time in a week an almost complete failure in writing. Why? Last week too I lived through various moods and kept their influence away from my writing; but I am afraid to write about it.

8 April. Saturday before Easter. Complete knowledge of oneself.

6 May. 11 o’clock. For the first time in a considerable while a complete failure in writing. The feeling of a tried man.

22 May. Yesterday a wonderfully beautiful evening with Max. If I love myself, I love him more.

25 May. Weak tempo, little blood.

1 June. Wrote nothing.

2 June. Wrote almost nothing.

6 June. Without weight, without bones, without body, walked through the streets for two hours considering what I overcame this afternoon while writing.

7 June. Bad. Wrote nothing today. Tomorrow no time.

6 July. Monday. Began a little. Am a little sleepy. Also lost among these entirely strange people.

9 July. Nothing written for so long. Begin tomorrow. Otherwise I shall again get into a prolonged, irresistible dissatisfaction; I am really in it already. The nervous states are beginning. But if I can do something, then I can do it without superstitious precautions.

7 August. Long torment.

8 August. Completed ‘Confidence Trickster’ more or less satisfactorily. With the last strength of a normal state of mind.

9 August. The upset night.

10 August. Wrote nothing.

11 August. Nothing, nothing.

15 August. Wasted day. Spent sleeping and lying down.

16 August. Nothing, either in the office or at home.

30 August. All this time did nothing.

25 September. By force kept myself from writing.

Excerpts from "The diaries of Franz Kafka 1910-1923"

[moonyskarma]

dating history in my . . . SINGER REALITY

─ the real list is short, despite what critics may say. the speculated list, however? well, that's another thing. love stories built from lies and paparazzi propaganda. shall we start with what's real?

⋮ ⌗ . . . jamie campbell bower

jamie and i met through mutual friends when i was seventeen. i fell in love with him almost immediately—but thought we would never happen, since he was... well, older. he was twenty-nine when we first met.

in november 2019, 7 months after my 18th birthday, jamie and i publicized our relationship that had begun in august. he was everything i wanted in a boyfriend—charming beyond belief, ever so respectful, the sweetest man i knew. my london boy.

many critics didn't agree with our relationship, especially due to the age gap (twelve years). hateful articles claimed jamie was pedophilic, that he was taking advantage of me.

let it be known that none of that was true.

towards the end of our relationship, jamie and i began to want different things. he was in his early thirties at this time, and was thinking about settling down. i was nineteen, and didn't want that at all.

thus began the beginning of the end. a publicized breakup in august of 2021, an on-and-off situationship that didn't truly end until august of 2022.

arguably the worst time of my life was the breakup.

written about him . . .

╰┈➤ butterflies (august 8, 2020) — my debut album

╰┈➤ casual? (september 10, 2022) — my first EP

╰┈➤ the exit (january 11, 2023) — my first single

╰┈➤ mirrorball (december 1, 2023) — my second EP

╰┈➤ all too well (june 3, 2024) — my second single

╰┈➤ ghosts (august 18, 2024) — my second album

╰┈➤ naked (january 23, 2025) — my third single

as you can probably tell, getting over him and the relationship was a very long (and difficult) process.

p.s. he never did settle down, after all. not without me.

⋮ ⌗ . . . yungblud, aka dominic harrison

dom came to one of my shows in 2020. it was my first tour, while he'd been touring before, and he gave me tons of advice. we really hit it off, and became extremely close. he's one of my closest friends.

again, we're seen together a lot. both of us are rather physical people, i suppose, so sometimes it kind of looks like we're all over each other. (i fear we are)

i'll admit, we have hooked up a few times. nothing serious, no real feelings involved, just... best friends. (with benefits). was he my rebound after jamie? maybe. did he just... happen to be there when i needed someone? also maybe.

⋮ ⌗ . . . charles leclerc

charles and i met years before we became friends, when i was about twelve and he was fourteen. i'd always been interested in motorsport, and began following his career when he was still in karting. the first time we met was in his last year of karting, when my father arranged a little meet and greet because he knew i had a little crush on charles.

our meeting wasn't anything special. a picture together. he complimented my ferrari t-shirt, and I told him he was going to become my favorite formula one driver one day. he laughed, said "we'll see about that", and that was that.

we met again in 2021 at the silverstone grand prix, a few months before jamie and i publicized our breakup. nothing happened, of course. he was in a relationship at the time, as was i. we became friends, though, occasionally hanging out when he had time between races.

it wasn't until about 2024 that we became much closer. he had broken up with his girlfriend in 2023, and i was still grieving the loss of my relationship with jamie. we began dating casually — i'd come to some of his races when i could, he came to a few of my shows, we'd meet for lunch or dinner.

casual dating turned into serious dating. love letters he'd read before races, whispers that i was his lucky charm, flying back and forth to see him. we publicized our relationship in april of 2025, but it had been going on since about february when we spent valentines day together.

he's my everything. my world. the air i breathe. my soulmate, of course.

written about him . . .

╰┈➤ fever dream (november 9, 2025) — my third album

╰┈➤ better people to leave on read (september 2, 2026) — my fourth single

there will definitely be more written about him as our relationship progresses !!

⋮ ⌗ . . . billie eilish

billie and i have known each other since we were really young, and we've been best friends ever since. she's definitely my platonic soulmate, but that's it.

billie was my first kiss when we were teenagers — her 13, me 15 — but we never had feelings for each other.

since me and her are so close and are seen together all the time, the media loves to assume we're dating.

like, no. platonic friendships exist.

⋮ ⌗ . . . timothée chalamet

timmy and i met years ago, when we were teenagers. we've been friends ever since. he's practically part of my family, like one of my brothers.

honestly, it's kind of gross how the media takes things out of context. a photo from my instagram of timothée and i in a hotel room, cropped to exclude my brother, is pretty much the only "evidence" of our so-called love affair

⋮ ⌗ . . . thomas depp

this one's just diabolical. THAT IS MY TWIN BROTHER. saw articles about our "romance" and lost my actual mind because what the fuck...

the only reason this speculation began is because some random news platform took a photo of me kissing tom on the cheek and ran with it. HUHHH.

disgusting. like um. what the fuck. and when they were called out THEY DOUBLED DOWN IT AND TRIED TO MAKE OUT LIKE TOM AND I WERE ACTUALLY DATING AND IT WAS TWINCEST. sued them so hard for this shit because no actual way...

no you did not see yungblud switch categories what are you talking about xx

[colorfulwastelandvoid]

Mel and the Noxus promotion.

Ever since Arcane ended there has been a conversation about Riot’s and Arcane’s questionable marketing of Mel and future projects. I want to throw in my 2 cents.

When Arcane first ended and Mel was added to league, a lot of content geared towards Mel was actually coming out regularly. She had her theme, Motion Comic, The Welcome to Noxus Trailer, a little Leblanc Cinematic that featured Mel and Ambessa’s book. All this came out month after month of each other the last one i believe was Ambessa’s book that came out the last week of February.

It’s now June and we haven’t gotten anything new or of substance for almost 4 months, and I have thoughts…

My personal theory is that Arcane and Riot’s Marketing is a “blitzkreig” like promo. I mean that they give us a whole bunch of promo in a relatively short time span than nothing for another span of time. I think we’ll start seeing more Mel and Noxus stuff that features her around August when school starts up again. Then it’ll be quiet again until spring, except for Christmas and Valentine stuff. I’ve been apart of a couple of fandoms where this was there marketing strategy. It’s frustrating but it is what is at this point.

I will say Riot and the Arcane Team should stop hiring fan artists who don’t include Mel and MelJay. As a graphic designer I have to get my designs approved and even the slightest misstep would mean me going back to the drawing board for my client. If the art is supposed to all the characters of Arcane but Mel, Ambessa and maybe even Jayce is missing someone should have told the artist to do another draft. If the art is about romantic ships and they showcase CaitVi and Timebomb but not MelJay reject the draft. As a designer half my stuff gets rejected first round cause it’s rare to get it perfect first try. Riot and Arcane should also stop bringing on people who Stan a certain character as interviewers for a while, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

This was just my 2 cents on the Mel promotion conversation. I’m also starting to get annoyed at Riot and Arcane. It wouldn’t be so bad if all the characters got this treatment but it’s just Mel,Ambessa and even Jayce😭, the three characters of colors. In that same breathe Riot does routinely give Mel new stuff like in game skins and emotes and little designs and Christian Linke when asked does mention Mel and Ambessa and he would talk about Jayce more if it wasn’t for the circumstance of certain part of the fandom.

P.S. I forgot to include this also mean stop putting Mel and MelJay in as an afterthought. Everyone can tell when this happens and yes I’m talking about certain fan artists. No one is making you do it so why half ass it?

[chubberdy]

Year in Review 2024

Welp, I managed to draw something (almost) every month this year, so I'm gonna post my favorites from each month and talk about some of the more notable projects I worked on this year!

January

February

March

April

May

Nothing for June (technically I could put part of the poll drive here but I only want to count that once)

July

August

September

October

November

December

Looking back I'm pretty happy with how diverse a mix I got to do this year, a few animations, many good standalone pics, a few sequences including a looooong ass one that spanned over most of the year, finishing up the comic I had been working on for quite some time, and (with the help of my wonderful co-creators for that one of course) even a whole game! All in all it was close to 200 pics posted, which might be the most (finished) pieces I've gotten done in a year. Next year I'm gonna try and get Spacethumper 2 finished up and hopefully dive back into Growing Port Lee again, I've been neglecting those a bit and now that I've gotten all my other big projects off my plate it's the perfect opportunity to do so!

[fanaticf1fan]

I - Back To The Past

A/N Hello, this is my first fanfiction. please be welcome to give any criticism to help me make my fanfiction better. :)

Also, this fanfiction ay not follow IRL timelines and Rules for the Formula series franchise.

Emilia Schumacher was born to Michael and Corinna Schumacher February 2006, from the moment she was born Emilia had been the apple of her family’s eyes. From the moment she was born the restlessness and need for adventure she undoubtedly inherited from her father. From a young age she was constantly following her older brother Mick around and bonding with her older sister Gina.

She was fortunate to spend a lot of time with her father during his brief, temporary retirement from 2006-2010. Due to this she had stuck herself to her father like glue, expressing her constant want to be exactly like him in any way she could.from a very young age she was set to follow in his footsteps, just like her brother.

When her father returned to racing in 2010 with Mercedes, Emilia was overwhelmed by new people surrounding her, her family now expanding into a grid full of fun uncles and aunts.

When she started Karting at 5 years old, she noticed a few oddities around the track. The first was the lack of other girls there, to the point she seemed to be the only one on the track. The second was the constant whispers and glances that other people had sent her and her family's way. The constant, nagging whispers of her peers doubted that loomed over shoulder everywhere she turned. Her father had sat her down one day and explained that she shouldn't listen to them after he found her crying one day after a meet, huddled under the table tucked into a ball.

“Don't listen to them Shatz, you are my daughter, I will be forever proud of you for whatever you accomplish, don't let anyone make you think any differently.”

When she was 7 her life was thrown into chaos, her father as she knew him was no longer with her or her siblings, he was now just an empty corpse-like shape, lying in a hospital bed relying on machines for life. She spent her 8th Birthday in the hospital sitting around his bed with her family, it had been the first birthday that her father hadn't gently held her as she woke up. There were no birthday pancakes or special songs this year. Just the sound of beeps, the smell of disinfectant and the feel of tears streaming down her face.

A few weeks after her birthday, she started karting again, now under the direct guidance and mentoring of one of father’s close friends, Sebastian Vettel. The two had began getting close after her father rejoined formula 1 with mercedes. He became an older brother figure to her and became her crutch when her father got injured.

She had achieved multiple victories under the mentoring of Sebastian, yet every time she stood on that ever important top step, trophy in her arms, her heart yearned for the one man she had been missing for months. Sebastian of course tried to help heal that hole in her heart, taking over quite a bit of the responsibility over her and her brother while they both competed. Mick and her had formed an inseparable bond, leaning on one another for support. 

Her father had been released from his prison coma in June 2014. She had expected her life to return to normal, however as she looked upon her father, she almost didn't recognise him. He was nothing like the person he was before, their relationship wasn't the same. This broke her heart so bad she decided to simply sink into the shadows of her childhood home.

She had risen through the ranks quickly, she was competing in levels above her age, spending most of her free time practising her skills to help her on the track. She won many races which angered many people but she didn't care. She was fueled with the memory of her father and what they used to be like, her biggest wish was to be just like him, and she was going to ensure she would get there.

By the time she had reached F4, she had gathered quite the ruckus in the media and on the circuit, she had multiple karting championships and wins and the number was only increasing, she had become a number one competitor for many of her fellow races. In 2021, after a well earned win in F4, she was approached by one of her father’s previous teammates, Nico Rosberg. He had kept in contact since the accident but the two hadn't spoken in a while. 

After a few months, Nico became another mentor for the girl, working well with Sebastian to help the girl progress and keep her managed. While Sebastian had stayed as her primary mentor, Nico took the role of her manager, organising deals and sponsors to ensure the girl only raced with the best of the best with the goal of helping her reach her life goal.

In 2022, she entered F3, winning the championship before being almost snatched up by F2 team Prema Racing the next year. Her brother had graduated the team two years prior before going into endurance racing, dominating the field. She had become good friends with her F2 teammate Oliver Bearman. She had begun helping him any way she could, attempting to meteor him the way she had been mentored for the past years.

She was ready to make her dream her reality, and she was so close to the first step in the next stage.

[the-mandawhor1an]

Wupdate Wedesday (WIP Wednesday)

It's been a while, do people even remember me?

The boring stuff first:

I have been inactive on here. As I had posted somewhere earlier this year, I lost my job. I had been laid off (is that the right word? Still employed but nothing to work, basically) and spent all the time from february til june to try and find a new job.

Naturally, I welcomed the free time at first, until it became a little too much, a little too heavy on my mind. The fact that I would have to live off of unemployment starting july if I couldn't find a job until then dragged me down. The regular meetings I would have to endure to get support, having to justify not applying to every job out there because it doesn't fit my expertise... it sounded terrible. Don't get me wrong I'm very glad Germany has such a good support system for times like these

I did some stuff, of course. Up until April I still published fic. In May I was on two Cosplay events (hence the new avatar, it's one of the pics from the Star Wars Day event). I drew, I painted, I found new love in shrink foil, making little pendants for my peeps.

I stopped writing fic for a while. Not because I needed a break from writing in general – my RPs were very active and still are. I just wasn't in the right headspace for it. Safe to say the "Rani and Din"-play recently hit 1500 posts (approx. 450k words, that is)

But ... in the end of june it finally happened: I got a job. Managed to find myself something that fits with my degree and expertise well enough that I don't feel utterly lost in this position. And now that I had the important stuff (my financial security) figured out, my mental health improved – almost instantly.

I've been working since July 1st and I'm still getting back into my old routines, but it's been easier than anticipated.

Now for the important stuff:

The fics!

Chapter 14 had been in my notes since may... and as I said, I wasn't in the best headspace to writing. But it's basically done, I just need to get it beta'd and do the final edit. No upload date is set yet, as much as I enjoyed the once per month uploads, with how long my chapters are turning out, it's not something I can keep up with while also working full-time. We'll see how things go. I'm here to stay (as long as Tumblr still exists.)

A little snippet, we're pulling on heart strings in the next chapter. We're also working towards more OC introductions!!!

Of all the things he could have said. All the possible insults, questions, and solutions he could have offered her, his initial response was »oh.« Oh? Oh… It felt familiar, the throbbing pain in her heart. Like the pain she felt when Din stabbed her in her dream. She didn’t register the kiss to her temple at first. Only when his hot breath met her skin, she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. »I’m sorry, cyar’ika,« he softly spoke, cupping her cheek in one hand, caressing her skin with his thumb. She closed her eyes, feeling another wave of tears fall down. »No, I’m sorry,« she whispered, breath unsteady and feeling the immeasurable urge to flee. She knew Din wasn’t blaming her, but his reaction to her confession made her fear he had a reason to be so shocked. 

I love you all. Thanks for sticking around.

Wolkie

Taglist:

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@beskardraon @idonotenjoyourcompany

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@djarins-wife

[mathildeaquisexta]

Every mention of Fouché and Carnot's relationship in Waresquiel's biography

In March 1793, Fouché found himself on the right side of the Revolution. He could aim for a new position. On the 9th, he spoke to an anonymous friend about the measures taken in Paris in application of the decree to raise 300,000 men passed by the Convention on February 24. “Paris is entirely up in arms. At every moment, numerous battalions are marching through the precincts of the Convention and to the frontiers.” “I'm writing to you in a hurry,” he adds, “I only have time to close this letter.” Indeed, he was just appointed by the Convention, on Carnot's report (Recueil des actes du Comité de salut public, avec la correspondance officielle des représentants en mission et le registre du conseil exécutif provisoire.,Tome 2, p. 298), as one of the 82 commissioners in charge of instigating and organizing the raising of volunteers in the départements.

Fouché meets both sides “separately”, he says. In his Mémoires, he boasts of having obtained from Carnot the dispatch to the armies of several sections of cannoneers commanded by Hanriot at the head of the Parisian army [on 9 thermidor]

During the First Consul's absence in May and June, there was no lack of secret conciliabula in Paris. Conversations certainly took place at Talleyrand's country house in Auteuil, with Sieyès and others. There must have been speculation about the measures to be taken in the event of Bonaparte's sudden death on the battlefield, and the choice of his successor. There was talk of Carnot, then Minister of War, and of La Fayette, who had just been spectacularly amnestied by the First Consul after a long revolutionary exile. It's likely that Fouché was aware of all this, but it's just as likely that he had no part in it, while silently preparing his own solutions. He hated Sieyès as much as Carnot, and was in the midst of a power struggle with Talleyrand, whom he distrusted more and more.

Fouché knows he is being watched. At the Ministry, he doesn't have a free hand. Napoleon is too wary. He circumvented Réal, whom he placed in the Prefecture of Police and who was ordered to report directly to him without telling anything to his boss. As head of the gendarmerie, Savary kept an eye on him. At the Ministry of the Interior, Carnot hated him and his relationship with him was “constantly painful”.

He must certainly have suspected the latter's contacts in Vienna, and said nothing until he had proof and the opportunity. His tantrums, as we know, are always more or less played out. For weeks now, he has regularly taken him to task in the middle of the Council. Carnot witnessed it: “You are betraying me, Monsieur le Duc d'Otrante. You are betraying me, I know it, I have the proof.” (Napoleon)

Before leaving, Napoleon thought of dismissing his troublesome Minister of Police, but gave up the idea. No doubt he still preferred to have him in his government rather than out of it, to keep a better eye on him. Carnot recounts the scene in his Mémoires: “The Duc d'Otrante betrayed me. I want to get rid of him. I'm even thinking of abolishing the Ministry of Police.” And the Minister of the Interior dissuaded him: it was possible a month ago, but, “on the eve of serious events”, Fouché's dismissal “would increase the already strong irresolution and distrust of public opinion”. We shall see later. By early June, the Minister of Police was so powerful that it had become almost impossible to get rid of him, and yet Carnot hated him.

By abdicating, Napoleon delegated his powers to his government, which was already disregarding his wishes. Fouché was confident enough of his own influence in the Chamber of Deputies to be certain of his election. And indeed, on the night of June 22/23, he was nominated by 293 votes. Even the Bonapartists, convinced that he was secretly defending the rights of Napoleon's son and negotiating with Metternich, voted for him. But he had not foreseen that he would be elected with Carnot, who was likely to embarrass him considerably, nor with General Grenier, a veteran of the Revolutionary and Imperial wars, both of whom were equally disinclined to maneuver and compromise.

On the 23rd, he found a way to get himself appointed by his colleagues to the presidency of the government, at the expense of Carnot, who had been better elected than him in the Chamber. Strong of his 324 votes and convinced that he would naturally have the presidency, Napoleon's former minister had been foolish enough to abstain, out of courtesy, he explained. The kind of courtesy that costs you dearly. The other three voted for Fouché. In a few days' time, Grenier will be talking about blowing up his brain, and Carnot will be publicly accusing him of betraying everyone.

The former Conventionnel was not convinced of the Allies' agreement in favor of Louis XVIII until the very last days of June, when Wellington was at Roye, north of Paris, with his army, and the Prussians were devastating everything in their path. But it was the Allies who held the die and the cards for the country's future. Only then would he seek to “take advantage of the inevitable”, as he told Carnot.

As early as June 23, Fouché had the main conspirators in the suburbs arrested for attempting to seize army arms depots by force. On June 28, against Carnot's advice, he opposed the mass mobilization of the capital's inhabitants and refused to allow them to bear arms. He wanted to avoid any form of disorder at all costs.

One cannot continually make dupes of all parties without exposing oneself a little. During these acrobatic days of late June, there will be insults and threats. Carnot was the first to publicly accuse the President of France's provisional government of treason, in the middle of the Council and on several occasions (Mémoires historiques et militaires sur Carnot, p.184). He was accused of sending emissaries to the King, Talleyrand and the Duke of Wellington on an almost daily basis, of “trafficking in the blood and liberty of the French”, as Defermon, a former minister of Napoleon, put it.

He led Carnot and his “friends” in the provisional government to believe that the Neuilly reunion could be advantageous “for the common interest”. The common interest was soon reduced to the one of Fouché alone. At Neuilly, discussions went on until four o'clock in the morning, and everyone agreed to blame the absentees, the Carnots and other Conventionists in the Chamber. Everyone played their cards close together, recited their scores for the sake of history, and kept quiet about the one thing that was obviously on everyone's mind: the former regicide's entry into the King's newly-formed ministry.

The curtain fell at the provisional commission in the Tuileries, as if the whole play had been a bad farce. Carnot was furious. He knew he had been definitively played by his former colleague at the Convention. The two revolutionaries, the organizer of the victory and the machine-gunner of Lyon, would then have exchanged sweet words: Where do you want me to go, traitor? asks Carnot. - Wherever you want, imbecile! replies Fouché. The dialogue is almost too good to be true.

In his Mémoires, Talleyrand was the first to blame his accomplice for the July 24 ordinance, calling it a “clumsy and foolish act”. While among the high society, the lame prince is credited with admirable words that exonerate him all the more. “There are a lot of innocent people on your list”, he is said to have jokingly told the former regicide, while leading an “uphill struggle” with him to reduce the number. This would have reduced the list from 100, or even 300 names according to Barante, to 57. Everyone later boasted of having saved their friends: Decazes, Montalivet and Benjamin Constant; Talleyrand, Caulaincourt and General de Flahaut, the natural son of the former bishop of Autun. As for Fouché, he would have been delighted to include his personal enemies, in particular Savary and the “imbecile” Carnot.

In Frankfurt, Félix Desportes wrote letter after letter to his friends, expressing his displeasure with the King's former minister. In Warsaw, Carnot declined Thibaudeau's invitation to come and live in Prague, to avoid meeting Fouché. The “imbecile” and the “traitor” will never speak again.

[nyxscave]

About the last few weeks, studying, burnout and anxiety; and how to treat yourself kindly

Tw for cussing, mental health issues, meds, suicidal thoughts. Very short TL;DR that doesn't need context in pink at the end.

Background; how it started

Doctors + exams + results

The Fucking Psychiatrist

From the pit

Return to normal, and about the future

TL;DR

--------------------------------------------

① Background; how it started

I presented my dissertation in February, and graduated in March. Got accepted into my dream Master's program in November last year, but because of conflicting dates, my classes only start in August; so for the next 5 months I had almost no academic obligations.

I had to start planning a project with my new advisor around June, and two extra presentations in events. A paper to edit too, just to tie some loose ends, but only if I felt like it. It was my suggestion, actually, because I thought I was going to be bored to death during those months. Kind of a reenactment of the lockdown, because I barely leave my house if it isn't to go to uni, and I'm not currently working.

I also decided to get my wisdom teeth pulled, something that should've gotten done 6 months ago because of my braces, but oh well, I had a dissertation to write then, and better late than never.

Got two done, and a month later got the other two done. A few days after, right in the morning of the first day I wouldn't need to take the anti-inflammatory anymore, I got some weird arrhythmias and a constant feeling of pressure on my chest that would last for a month, 24/7. Cried a lot, because I thought I was having some weird reaction to the antibiotic and the anti-inflammatory I was taking or so. Considered colitis for some reason.

Because what, anxiety? I don't have anxiety! All my classes and exams are over and all the teeth I needed pulled are gone and now I really, really don't have anything to stress about anymore. Just this fucking chest pain and cardiac problems now, apparently.

--------------------------------------------

② Doctors + exams + results

I went to the doctor after 3 weeks of constant, dull chest pressure, with occasional arrhythmias in between. She, Doctor A, suspected of hyperthyroidism, and I got bloodwork and an EKG done; I'd go get my results and another consultation in another 2 weeks.

2 days before that, though, I got worse all of a sudden; I'd woken up feeling a bit off, but by midday I started having some crazy heart palpitations and the chest pain increased tenfold. I got scared and started crying and having trouble breathing and speaking. Went to the ER, got an IV drip with a muscle relaxant and anti-inflammatory, and an anxiolytic. Another EKG done, and a thoracic x-ray.

Everything was normal. Went back home with a prescription for more muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories, but Doc B said I had an anxiety attack. The meds probably woudn't work, but it was mostly to prove to me that it wasn't a muscular issue, as I had suspected before that.

Well, they really did not work. Went to the scheduled consultation 2 days later, shaky and feeling terrible still. Guess what.

Everything was normal. Doc A took one other look at me and said I probably had anxiety because anything else would've left some traces of inflammation or hormonal imbalances on the bloodwork, and despite a 24-h Holter being better for detecting anything wrong with my heart, with how the symptoms were progressing - constant, non-stop, get worse just occasionally -, the ekg was enough to know my heart was fine. Clear lungs, no trauma for costochondritis, heart at a normal size on the x-ray.

But I asked "Why?? And how? I'm literally on vacation, nothing stressful happening, what the fuck", and she told me that it was probably built-up anxiety from things that happened before that. Since it's my first "real" vacation in a while, the body finally "let itself go" now that there's nothing important at stake.

... Now I should see a psychiatrist, actually. That'd certainly help *pats back*

--------------------------------------------

③ The Fucking Psychiatrist

5-min consultation, 10min after the other one, and a minor breakdown in the bathroom. I shakily told her all the exams that were clear, and she hummed. After that, she said "Oh, that's very common, actually." and handed me a prescription for an SSRI antidepressant to be taken every day, and a mild anxiolytic for crises. She said it would take two weeks to see any effect, but at least, by the end of that, I certainly wouldn't be in any pain anymore. "Any bad side effects? I'm always kind of scared of those.", "Some people have mild nausea and headaches, but not everyone."

🚩 - Prescribed me the brand meds, not the generic ones. I bought it without even thinking about it because I was so desperate for the pain to stop that I didn't even think that there were generic versions since she only wrote the brand name. Probably gave her a commission fee with those ones. It was expensive.

🚩 - The antidepressant was at the therapeutic dosage, yes, but I do think that SSRIs tend to be introduced at a lower dosage in the first week or so for people who aren't used to them (or at least that's what they taught me in my pharmacology class). You could justify that I went to the consultation a bit freaked out and she wanted me to have faster results, but still, it was my first time ever taking anything like that.

🚩 - The anxiolytic for crises? Doesn't really have a strong effect immediately like benzodiazepines. It's actually usually prescribed for a few weeks at a time because it has a cumulative effect rather than an acute one. Fuck me if I had a bad one like the ER one, that lasted 3 hours.

I took the anxiolytic after getting home, on the same day, just to see if I didn't have an allergic reaction. I kind of felt the pressure on my chest lessen after 1-2 hours, yes; didn't last long, and I don't know if it was the medication or not, since that didn't happen when I used it the next day. But didn't make me feel too off, I think.

--------------------------------------------

④ From the pit

Took the antidepressant the following morning.

I did feel a bit nauseous. A little headache. And a little feverish. Dilated pupils. Couldn't eat, not because of the nausea, but because looking at food was like looking at a pile of dirt on a plate. Shaky. Weirdly tired during the day but not sleepy.

High as fuck, actually.

Emotionally numb and dissociated, lucid but so very confused at everything. Feeling a bit more anxious than usual, yes, but then came the fucking depression. Spiraled so hard and so fast into suicidal thoughts, which I don't think I've ever had with that intensity before, that I physically flinched and scared myself. Like "What the fuck? Ok, ok that was listed as a side effect but oh fuck what the fuck". I don't think I've ever felt that mentally ill before. My thoughts were all jumbled and messy at the same time that I felt my head was empty. Then running a thousand miles per hour. Then sad sad sad sad sad

I didn't sleep at all that night, and one of my safe people stayed up with me while I cried because they had to monitor if my fever wouldn't go up or if I wouldn't have a heart attack. We tried counting my heart rate at the wrist for more than ten minutes because I was shaking so bad we couldn't keep up for 30 seconds.

I said I couldn't do that again maybe at 5am. I just couldn't, ever. "I don't want to, ever, please, I really don't want to take anything anymore, I'll heal on my own, please" and I begged and cried and I felt so numb but also feeling so scared and like my head wasn't mine anymore.

I think I slept from 7am-9am. The antidepressant I took had a half-life of 30 hours, so I'd take roughly 4 days to get everything off.

The following two to three days lasted ages. I spent them feeling so fucked in the head - all of the above and more. I don't think I could explain everything even at the time, because I was all over the place. I cried, cried, cried and just couldn't stop crying with no real reason to accompany the tears. Just anguished sobs and feeling like I wouldn't ever get better again. I remember telling a friend that "Those goddamn drugs took my anxiety away but they gave me fucking depression to balance it out" because even though it was temporary, that's what it felt like. Endless hours of mental and physical despair.

But I think that the scariest part is that I couldn't eat almost anything. I tried to drink water and smoothies but anything that my brain saw as food was off the list. And I'm thin - and I have to eat a lot just to maintain my weight, for some reason. And I lose it so, so easily, without exercising or doing anything. That's fucking scary, because it means that if anything goes wrong - like this time - I don't have any reserves. I lost 4kg in the past month because of my initial symptoms, just because I wasn't eating the same amount of food as always, but still, I was eating almost as usual. 2-3 days without eating almost anything and the following days getting better tortuously slow made me feel and look frail. I'm underweight now, according to my BMI. I can't go days or weeks like that again, and my body's struggling to get the memo that it needs to save some goddamn calories that I'm fighting so hard to get.

--------------------------------------------

⑤ Return to normal, and about the future

I'm really done with meds for now; I know it gets worse before it gets better, and that's expected. But I couldn't do it, really. Not like that.

Maybe there comes a day when I'll need to take those for real; half of my friends already do. But for now, I choose a slower recovery, but one where I can take care of myself with grace and the gentleness I think my body and mind need right now.

It's a week later, now. I'm eating more and trying to fix my sleep schedule, because if I thought that was a mess before, it's even worse now. I can sleep for 12h if you let me, but only after 2am or so. My chest pressure and isolated arrhythmias pop up sometimes, but I think I'm feeling a bit better than before the whole med situation. Maybe it's a combination of knowing what's wrong with me now and learning how to take care of myself short and long-term.

Another possibility is that I cried everything I had built up during the past decade this weekend because dear lord

The expensive meds are safely stored away in a drawer for now. No more scheduled exams or consultations, but therapy is something I'm considering for a few weeks from now if I feel like I need some additional support.

The approach I'm choosing for the following weeks and months, until the end of the year and beyond, is a mix of the "Rules to not feel like shit", which is that one post that I wrote at like 2am months ago and people are still reblogging now, lol. So, for the 2.0 version:

Daily Exercise -> stretching, dancing (cardio) and muscle training; getting up more often, walking places and spending more time moving my body are also things I have to work on, as a priority, because I work and study sitting on my ass for more than ten hours a day and that can't be healthy. I want my ballerina posture back, too, I look like a shrimp nowadays.

Sleep Hygiene -> getting up and going to bed at the same time every day, yada yada. Most of my sleep issues come because of procrastination, which makes me push important things to the last hours of the day. That makes me stressed, and that makes me take longer to sleep after I go to bed. So it's a chain reaction of despair, but one I can fix now since I'm on vacation, and it's easier to establish those kinds of habits so that, when it's exam season, I'm not using more concealer under my eyes than sunscreen.

Mindfulness -> breathwork before going to bed and learning how to breathe right to calm myself down during the day was something unexpected to me. "Just take a deep breath" actually works sometimes, you know; and making it a daily practice and staple mini-reset every time I need it really made a difference in my well-being. Meditating for a few minutes a day focusing on my breathing and letting my thoughts go is also very nice. I'm working on being more mindful during the day, too, but that shit's incredibly hard; doesn't mean I'll give up. It gives me that feeling of having a clear (not empty) head throughout the day, of having my thoughts organized and not screaming at me from a thousand different sides.

Less screen time (and going analog) -> one thing I noticed during the *war flashbacks* ... pit, was that distracting myself from the physical and mental anguish with my phone was better than, say, reading a book (because it's so much easier to scroll a feed or play games than it is to focus on words on paper), but sometimes my heart started racing and I'd need a moment with my head buried on a pillow, in silence and not looking at anything, to calm down again. And it wasn't after a few hours on Tiktok or anything; 10min playing Honkai on AFK was enough. So! I don't think the activity I do on my phone is the only culprit; my brain probably associated the whole phone with stress and that's unconscious at this point. Which means that, at least, I have to decrease my screen time but put some other activity in its place or I'll go crazy because my thoughts won't let me live in peace. The one thing I found that checks all the boxes is writing - about whatever I'm thinking, or feeling, or literally anything unrelated -, because it makes my thoughts slow down (physically writing takes more time than typing or just thinking about things), and gives them a place to live. Somewhere I can look at and see that my thoughts are just... thoughts, and they have a shape, structure, and limitation. They can exist outside of me; that doesn't mean I won't ever think about those things that I wrote again, that's not the point for me. I just need to slow down, organize them, and let them take shape on a piece of paper, so they become tangible. That makes one hell of a difference in every single aspect of how my mind works and processes things, and it makes it clear up. Also, still related to phone usage; use an analog wristwatch, or a table one. Please. I won't elaborate.

Listening to my body -> that's one I mostly see on posts about neurodivergent people, but that helped me a ton. Paying more attention, during the day, if my body is uncomfortable; if I need to get warmer, if I need to lay down, stretch a bit, drink water, just get up and take my mind off things even if I'm working on something important. Listening to what my body is telling me without my mind letting me know, because usually whatever I'm studying or working on feels more urgent than getting up to get a blanket, is probably part of the reason why my chest pain seemingly blew up out of nowhere. I'm not blaming myself, because I don't think I would've changed anything up until now; I did everything that I did because I had reasons to. Exams to study for, papers to write, presentations to prepare for. But after this scare, I now know I have to focus on myself more. And that's not about self-improvement; but about caring for my body like it's a scared (aka anxious) kid that sometimes needs comfort, even though it doesn't know how to express pain until it's too much. My mind's job is to focus on the subtle, daily signs that I need something even though I don't strongly feel that there's anything wrong. There's always room to feel 1% better every time I check in.

I know it sounds like bullshit, and cliche, and too slow of an approach, and that it doesn't really work. I know there are people who genuinely need more support than this; but it's been working for me in the short term, and I hope that it will make me feel better in the following months and years. There's nothing wrong with my body - but my mind is anxious, and scared, and burnt out from all those months and years of academic stress and things that I handled fine when they happened but that stayed in the back of my mind, waiting to get to a safer place to be able to get out.

My mind is not broken; it's trying to get me scared so protect me and prepare me for things that... already happened. And my job now is to process it and let it know that it's ok now, I'm safe, and I did a good job studying to get my degree, and it was worth it. I'll start my hard-earned Master's soon, and that's also scary, but I can handle it. Whatever it brings me, I'll be able to take it; and if I can't, it's also fine to take a break and spend some time just enjoying life and myself.

The past is over. There's excess energy and feelings that I need to burn off from that time, now; but I can do it. I'm not sick, I'm not going crazy; just overwhelmed and in need of self-care from within.

Here's to sunnier days, and to knowing we are capable of doing incredible things, even if scared; just remember to smile to yourself in the mirror once in a while. You're doing a good job. 🥂✨

--------------------------------------------

⑥ TL;DR

I thought I was perfectly fine in the head for years, until it blew up on my face and I was on the edge of a heart attack for a month straight. Turns out I was fine physically (but please, if you feel that anything is wrong with you do some exams first to be sure), but my head decided that now that I'm on vacation it's finally time to burn off the excess trauma and throw me on the fire too for good measure.

See tips in the section above to prevent shit like this from happening to you, even if you think you're sane and mentally ok. Not to scare you, but maaaaaaybe you might be so caught up trying to cram for that exam next week that your body doesn't feel safe enough to show you all those all-nighters actually took a toll; and once it does feel safe, you may not be :)

TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH!!! I was fucking right with this post from November last year and I stand by it

Also, a special thank you to @brytning for her comics about anxiety; they made me feel seen and comforted throught it all, and her tips were so nice, too. You can check them out here.

[skelleste]

2024 Art Summary

A selection of art from the past year. You can find a little about each image below.

Happy New Year (Again!)

Just like last time, it's time for another self-indulgent end-of-year post. A lot of things happened and unfortunately I don't feel that I made as much art as I did last year. I got bombarded with people asking me for art trades when I opened them last winter and I still haven't done most of them. I'm used to only a few randos that I mostly turn down requesting them, but having a bunch of friends ask all at once was a bit unexpected. If you're still waiting, I haven't forgotten and will make it eventually. Unfortunately I have the "I shouldn't draw for myself until I do my owed art" mentality most of the time and it just results in doing absolutely nothing because, quite frankly, I often don't want to draw other characters more than I want to draw my own. I'm going to have to be extremely selective about art trades going forward. I also moved this year for the first time ever, and that threw a big wrench in the works. The reason I moved so soon was because my insane sister was moving back in. She threatened to poop in my brother's bed (she's 22) and threatened both of us with violence and my parents were like "yeah that's fine". So uh, yeah, goodbye to living that sweet, sweet, chimpanzee lifestyle. All of that aside, I still made plenty of things, and I'll talk about a few of them here.

January

Some of the last comic panels I worked on before the art trade fiasco put working on the comic to a halt for almost a whole year. These are sketches, but the whole page is done now, of course. This was probably the most time-consuming panel so far, as I had to draw an indoor scene with 9 characters (technically 10 if you count Scott twice). I'm not sure if any of the panels that I have yet to work on will surpass this one in amount of time needed. There's a reason I made this one of the first scenes on the laundry list.

February

The first art trade. I had the pleasure of drawing Mumbo, Jumbo, Balder, and Dash for Chalkrub. I don't feel too great about the background, with its wonky perspective and odd colors, but everyone seems to like how it turned out anyway. It's my third most popular piece of art on this whole site as of writing this.

March

I made this for no reason other than I wanted to draw something edgy for edgy's sake. It had been a while since I made any art of this nature, and Ferdinand is my go to OC for it. My taste in art is not the same as what I draw. I make what I do because it's more about the enjoyment of the process than the aesthetic appeal of the final piece. When I focus on personal aesthetic appeal, I end up not drawing for 9 months at a time because I hate injuring my hand on inking all the time. So if you're some edgy artist and ever wondered why the fuck a cartoon shitposter extraordinaire follows you, there you go.

April

Another art trade, this time for 888goober888 on DeviantArt. A perfect example of a classic case of the eternal false promise "yeah I'll just finish this detail and then be done." And then there's 3,000 brushstrokes worth of individual grass blades. Tee hee.

May

This was a painting I started, and then put down because it was awful to work on, and then I picked it back up weeks later and finished it. The miseries I suffer for not trusting the process. It was a backburner project for a backburner project, which is the website. This painting is now the homepage background, ready to greet all visitors to my nonsense.

June

Commission for Porcumoose. I get the standard array of OC types in my commissions, because every client wants something different from the last. This time I felt very fortunate to draw something I personally like, and I this was my favorite commission from the whole year. This is my way of saying to the public at large "Please pay me to draw more spooky shit please please please".

July

Art Fight month again. I was planning on attempting longest chain with a friend, but he fell ill and we cancelled that plan. I decided to do a slow art year instead, which means fewer attacks with higher quality. My personal favorite from fighting for Team Stardust was this attack, Osireon (a fanmade eeveelution) for Sqveel. Thank you to everyone who attacked me! I always appreciate every single one. Next year is the big 10 year, and I plan on making it special.

August

August always begins with a week-long break from art for me, simply to rest after Art Fight. I also had a week-long vacation shortly thereafter, so half of my month was already spoken for. I had also started the process of moving and lost even more time to that. I can't recall exactly what all I made during then because it was very little, but one of them was certainly catgirl Maudlin. Here she is in all her glory.

September

This is when I moved, and I did not have access to the internet on my computer for a little while. I also spent much of my available drawing time working on a commission, so this was another month where I made very little for myself and cannot recall what little there was. Scatterbrain pineapple is going to teach you French while I jog my memory with blunt force and drywall.

October

Alright, now we're talking. On a whim I decided to participate in Goretober, because I couldn't stop thinking of stupid slapstick ideas and I thought someone scrolling through the tag and seeing this stupid shit randomly in the mix was funny. I was correct. I have one last prompt that I'll get to when I get to it, but aside from that one, this was my favorite drawing from the season. I think I've raised the bar on my own cursed content.

November

After Goretober, I took a break from regular drawing and leaned in favor of website progress. I made a handful of long-needed art assets, animated a custom cursor, created directories for future comic releases, and more. There is still much more to do, but a lot of the necessary code is sorted out.

December

Fuck those art trades (respectfully). I'll do them when I do them. I started working on the comic again for the first time since last February and I've already got a few more pages done. I don't really publicly talk about the comic very much, and yet I'll have random people take interest in the characters, the site, the prospect of a comic coming into existence, etc. and so I should really get on that. As much as the trades have been delayed, this is a project that was started much earlier and honestly could've been done by now if I didn't have to live for so long with people who are blasé about abusing each other. It needs to be completed.

These are just a small selection of my artworks throughout the past year. If you would like to see more, then you can peruse the blog. It's been my goal to get the comic done for the last two years, and we're going on year 3 now. Same old, same old. You'll see more art from me soon. I hope your new year is fruitful and full of peace. See you in 2025.

2023 || 2022

[itsnevercasual]

All I Want For Christmas Is You

part i

pairing: harry styles x fan!singer!reader

summary: harry shows up at your show twice. you're more excited the first time.

warnings: some cursing, some angst, nothing else really!

“happy christmas to you as well,” you answered.

you expected it to be awkward, stiff, forced — anything, really. anything but so alarmingly easy to talk to the same man you obsessed over for years.

i mean, your head was screaming and your insides were turning but on the outside, it was easy.

and the last thing — the last, the very, very last — thing you expected him to do was tug you over to the legendary anne twist and gemma styles.

“y/n, this is m’mum, anne, and m’sister gemma,” he introduced.

you gave what you hoped wasn’t (but knew was) an awkward smile and waved, “hi.”

gemma just threw herself up from the seat and hugged you, “it’s so good to meet you!”

she said that as if you’d known harry for more than fifteen minutes.

or, he’d known you. you knew at the very least of him for 8 years now.

“you too!” you responded, because it felt like the proper reaction.

anne pulled you into a hug as well, albeit far more calm than gemma.

“you did lovely, dear. you have a very nice voice.”

“thank you,” you blushed, even more so when you felt a ring-clad hand rest on your lower back.

“i’m gonna steal her away now. just thought i’d introduce you all.”

you honestly can’t remember what on earth you were so worried about. harry was easy to talk to, and he actually seemed interested in what you were saying. he payed for every little fruity drink you ordered.

and he ordered you so many — you ordered them, he tried to cut you off numerous times but you always swatted him away — that you said probably the stupidest thing ever when your friends mentioned heading out soon.

“d’you wanna come with us? we’ll probably go to jen’s and get blackout drunk,” you laugh.

and you… oh. well, you were just so cute when you asked. wide eyes, dilated pupils from three too many fruity drinks, and a hopeful smile that bordered on just a little anxious, that.. well, really, how could he say no?

“you are already well on your way to blackout drunk,” he teased.

“hey!” you smacked his arm, causing him to laugh and put his hands up in surrender. “and.. i mean, i suppose i can hang around for a bit,” he shrugged. “no harm, right?”

oh, how wrong he was. there was harm in it. so much, in fact. the two of you spent the whole night cuddled up together on jen’s couch until he noticed you falling asleep on him.

he excused the both of you and drove you home, which was a task in and of itself because you were so tired and drunk you didn’t understand what he was asking when he asked what your address was.

and then, when the two of you arrived, he made a comment about how unsafe the area was and how he felt bad leaving you in the house alone. made you promise to lock your doors all the time, and made another comment you almost didn’t catch.

“jus’ gonna have t’find you a better place. this won’t do, pet.”

and you, really, were just expecting his presence in your life to be a one and done thing. but it wasn’t. you woke up the next morning to a text from an unknown number.

Unknown

Had to go home to Mum and Gem, or else I’d have stayed with you in case you got sick. There’s Advil and water on your nightstand. Text me when you’re up. Happy Christmas, again.

H xx

and if you weren’t borderline obsessed with him before, you were now.

the two of you saw each other at least once a week after that. you went to his birthday party and everything. then, on valentines day, he asked you on a date. the two of you went on dates for all of february until he finally asked you to be his girlfriend.

and you said yes. so, you were his girlfriend.

he stayed true to his comment. he bought you a place in the heart of london. a very luxurious, expensive flat. went to all of your gigs like the supportive, doting boyfriend he is.

or.. was.

you dated until june. when he all of a sudden texted you some utter bullshit about ‘not being able to do this anymore’ and cut all contact. blocked your number and on all social medias— although, he didn’t block the secret fan accounts you never told him about which is the only way you knew a crumb of what was going on in his life.

you chose to not go to tabloids for that. they never told the truth, anyway.

the one thing he didn’t stop, though, was paying your rent. you almost wanted to buy your own place and abandon this one to spite him. but how could you?

he left you with the damn dog, too.

oh, that’s right.

the two of you adopted a small beagle in march, right after you moved in. named it sunflower, because he called you sunflower.

(he also found it hilarious that whenever he’d call ‘sunflower’, both of you would appear).

you didn’t even have the heart to rip down all the photos of the two of you throughout the apartment.

they just sat there, collecting dust.

when christmas rolled around again, it was safe to say you were heartbroken at best, depressed at worst.

you moped all day, even when you and your friends opened presents in your apartment.

“so… y/n..” jen spoke as you all were eating dinner.

“hm?” you hummed back.

“did you see what harry did?”

everyone froze.

harry was a sore subject, even six months after the break up.

you cleared your throat, going back to cutting your steal, “uh.. no. no, i didn’t. what?”

“he dropped an album called fine line—“

“oh, good for him, i guess,” you shrug.

“uh.. he.. he dropped it on your.. birthd.. day..” she let out slowly.

you dropped your utensils. “he did what now?”

“.. i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have said anything—“

“he left me— i woke up one morning, and he was just gone and all i get is some stupid fucking text about how he can’t do this anymore, and he pulls this shit? no. no, i’m— absolutely fucking not—“

“that’s.. not.. it,” she winced.

“what? what else could he have possibly done?”

“there’s a song on the album. uh.. called.. sunflower..”

you stood up from the table and stormed to your room, slamming the door.

when you woke up, it was the next day.

and you had a text.

cuntface (harry)

I got your voicemail… baby, I am so sorry. I should’ve asked about the song, and the album. Dropping it on your birthday was uncalled for. I’m sorry. I should’ve reached out. I shouldn’t have even left.

sent at 8:57pm

Baby, come on. Please answer. I’m sorry. Are you alright?

sent at 11:22pm

that motherfucker left you in the dust without a second though, and he had the nerve to act concerned about you? what the hell did you even say in the voicemail?

you tapped a few buttons on your phone until finding said voicemail. you hit play.

“you have a lot of nerve, you know that, harry? you fucking leave me with no other reason besides ‘i can’t do this anymore’.. like.. what kind of fucking excuse is that? and you left me with our fucking dog! our dog! that you named after what you called me! which, by-the-fucking way is a fucking song on this apparent new album of yours that you dropped on my birthday like i was the problem in our relationship! fuck you, harry. fuck you for everything. i-.. god, i can’t even say i hate you, because.. i don’t. i don’t fucking hate you, and i hate that i don’t hate you because i should. i should fucking hate you so much, but i don’t. i’m still in love with you and it’s so fucking pathetic. and that’s your fault. so fuck you, harry. fuck you. you’re not the only one who can write songs.”

you furrowed your brows at the last sentence you said in the voicemail. you didn’t write a song about him, did you?

and then you glanced at your nightstand, and your songbook was thrown open. a whole song written out on a page you are very sure was blank before.

you grab the book, examining the now tear-stained pages before reading the song title.

i should hate you.

well, that’s fitting.

on new years eve, you had a show at the same bar you met harry at. and at the very end of your set, you performed the song you wrote about him.

“so, uh.. i’ve played here before, actually. last christmas, and uh.. i met this.. this guy. huge crush on him, all that shit. we talked for a while, dated for a few months, got a dog together and then he.. just.. kinda left? and didn’t reach out for six months until i cussed him out in a voicemail, where i basically said i was still in love with him!” you laugh awkwardly.

the audience laughs, too.

“so, uh.. yeah. and then after that i was just, like.. i should hate him, so why don’t i? and.. that’s what this song is. this called i should hate you.”

you backed away from the mic slightly as you started strumming and the audience clapped.

“last night i spiraled alone in the kitchen. making pretend that the furniture listened. wasn’t the best of my mental conditions, but i tried thinking of you without any forgiveness.. because i was the one who would stay up and call you. and i’d drive to your house for the shit that you went through.”

driving to his house anytime the press did something to upset him. calling him when he was miles away and it was three in the morning, and you had a shift at the coffee shop at six.

“and i wasted my breath when i tried to console you, didn’t i?”

anytime she’d comfort him about the horrible things tabloids said, he’d reject it.

“‘cause we didn’t happen the way we were supposed to.”

in your head, you were happily together and nothing ever went wrong in june. he was in the audience tonight cheering you on, smiling at you when you made eye contact. that’s how it should.

“i know that i should hate you. i know that i should hate you. pulled the knife out my back, it was right where you left it.”

trying to console you after your voicemail, months too late.

“but you aimed kinda perfect, i’ll give you the credit.”

you opened up to him and it felt like he used that against you when he left like that. he knew exactly how to make it hurt to the point it was unbearable.

“i just drank something strong to try to forget, but it wasn’t right. no, you’re not even here, but you’re doing my head in. i know that i should hate you. i know that i should hate you. i know that i should hate you. ooh, ooh. i should hate you, i feel stupid like i almost crashed my car driving home to talk about you at my table in the dark.”

you did do that. you went to one of your spots in london (a little book store that was rarely busy) and afterwards, you sped home so fast you almost crashed. you just needed to talk about him, but nobody was home. because he left.

“all i ever think about is where the hell you even are.”

you always wondered where he was, how he was doing, if he hurt the way you did. if he felt it right in his chest the way you did.

“and i swear to god i’d kill you if i loved you less hard.”

you’d kill him if you didn’t love him. you’d hate him if you weren’t still in love with him.

“after all of this time, i still get disappointed.”

after the voicemail, you expected him to show up at your door and fix everything. he didn’t. of course, he didn’t. because, even if he still payed for the house, it wasn’t his home anymore. it was just yours.

“bet you’re doing alright, and you don’t even know it.”

from the bits and pieces you managed to see of his life, he was living it up. while you cried.

“how it’s all ‘cause of you that my standards are broken.”

before, you’d been like every other girl. saying your standards were high, because your standards were harry styles. it just so happened to be that he was the one to lower those standards.

“i would bend back to you if you left the door open..”

if he came back, you’d come running.

“i know that i should hate you. i know that i should hate you. i know that i should hate you. ooh, ooh. i know that i should hate you. i know that i should hate you. i know that i should hate you. ooh, ooh.”

with the last note, you bowed. and then left the stage as everyone cheered.

you planned on just leaving. but something in you wanted a drink before hopping in the uber. so you ran up to the bar.

“a shirley temple, please,” you asked.

the bartender nodded and you sat in silence (save for the usual noise of the bar) until—

“y/n.”

a familiar voice. too familiar. it made you freeze.

your name from his lips was a statement. not a question, this time.

you finally turned, your eyes meeting familiar green ones.

“.. harry.”

deja fucking vu.

“i am so—“

“here’s your shirley temple to go, ma’am.”

you have never been more grateful for a drink. you turned and thanked the bartender quietly, grabbing the drink before speeding off.

“wh— y/n!”

you kept walking until you were halfway down the street and he grabbed your arm, forcing you to turn around.

“don’t. don’t do this, don’t run away from me— from us—“

“you ran away from us first, harry! i was all in! i was ready for whatever, and you just up and left like it meant nothing— like i meant nothing! do you know how that felt? do you even have an idea of what the felt like?”

he didn’t say anything.

“i didn’t think so.”

“please, baby— sunflower, i jus’ wanna talk.”

“i have nothing to say to you, harry.”

a/n: … hahahaha!

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV S2 Musings - Tentative Timeline (Pt1: 1940 - 1948)

[The revised version is HERE]

I've been struggling with this for a while, cuz this ish just don't make sense, AMC. (I fully expect S3 to gotcha/retcon/fix stuff, esp. since who knows what Armand's tinkered around with in Louis' head.) I split this timeline in 2 parts: Pt1 has everything from 2x1 - 2x6ish; and then ofc Pt2 will cover as much as I can understand from the Trial's shenanigans.

(I'm just one person tryna figure out wtf is going on, so if y'all have any insights, please share!)

1940 - 1945

Claudia & Louis cross Eastern Europe (2x1)

pre-February 6, 1940: Mardi Gras, NOLA.

1x7 diary entry (x x): "Dear Diary, I've been planning the trip out in my head. When we get to Europe, we aren't going to look at any of the touristy sights. We are instead going straight to the Black Sea and then on to the Carpathian Mountains. Those are the places I've been reading about in the books I've brought with me. We had to learn so much…." (Carpathian countries inc. Austria, Czech Republic, Hungary, Poland, Romania, Serbia, Slovak Republic, and Ukraine.)

Roget (2x2): "We have not heard from Monsieur de Lioncourt since February 1940, when we processed several wires for him, for a party he was throwing."

September 8, 1941: 1x4 diary entry, Ploiesti, Romania: "The POWs are malnourished, nothing but bone and sinew. Their blood is bitter. It almost makes you feel sick to drink it. Catch 'em as they trudge from their work in the oil fields every night. They don't have much strength to fight..." (Ploiesti bombed for its oil from 1941-1944.)

1944: Madeleine's head is shaved during Paris' épuration légale along with the other Nazi collaborators. (An IRL photo from June 21, 1944.) France's Nazi occupied Vichy regime: July 10, 1940 - August 9, 1944. [see De Gaulle below]

Pre-1945: Cross from Ukraine into Nazi Romania (again). Claudia is speaking German to the Nazi at the checkpoint, who says "Black Ukranian? Waffen-SS, Checkpoint 30317."

DREAMSTAT: "Four years of grim wayfaring, and still no sight of the benevolent vampire."

April 30, 1945: "In Germany, Herr Hitler had popped a pill in his bunker, and Europe celebrated."

1944 / 1945: "But in Romania, the champagne fizzled and went flat. Soviets replaced Nazis.... War became occupation." (Soviet occupation of Romania lasted from 1944 - 1958.) Stopped by the racist Soviets in Emilia's town.

Post-April 30, 1945: 2x1 radio announcement: "The triumph over Hitler's evil can be felt throughout France, and in no more fantastic an example than the priceless works of art being bundled up in the countryside, lifted on to trucks and returned to their rightful place in Paris. And we of the BBC World Service, speaking for the rest of the western world, send a most grateful thank you to our allies in France with one of your very own. ['Y'a Pas D'Printemps' by Edith Piaf plays]."

1944 / 1945: "There is No Spring” by Edith Piaf is recorded July 4, 1944.

Late June, 1945: Louis & Claudia leave Romania (after Emilia & Daciana died); near the 1-year anniversary of There is No Spring; right before Venus de Milo was about to head to Paris along with the rest of the "priceless works of art being bundled up."

July 2, 1945: Venus de Milo officially returns to the Louvre. Louis & Claudia arrived in Paris with it. (August 1945: Louvre reopened.) "Claudia was entirely broken. She had left a part of herself in Romania. I knew I had to steer her far away from it. I chose the city that called to us on the radio. To the mother of New Orleans.... The war had turned off the lights, stripped its streets of their beauty, sent its avant-garde into exile. But now, the whole world was ready to return, to remake their lives. Pilgrims on their hopeful way."

1945

Claudia & Louis in Post-War Paris (2x2)

1944 - 1946: Charles De Gaulle chairs the Provisional Government of the French Republic June 3, 1944 - January 26, 1946. "De Gaulle's Paris had me etherized. If Claudia and I were looking over our shoulder at all, it was in astonishment our skin did not attract the same attention it did in America."

May 8, 1945: France's Sétif and Guelma Massacre of Algierian citizens (Franco-Algerian relations evaporated). DANIEL: "Right, because there wasn't any racism in mid-20th century France. I think your Algerian inferiors of the time might disagree." LOUIS: "But I wasn't an Algerian. I was an American, and if there was an assumption that I'd arrived to blow a trumpet or sing for my supper, it did not register as a slight in those days. I was just grateful knowing no one wanted to lynch me, or direct me to the far end of the café counter!"

1944 - 1949: Black markets & rationing chokehold over Paris.

LOUIS: "We hid ourselves away in an inconspicuous apartment in Le Neuvieme, passing ourselves off as moneyed Americans, over-spending for black market baguettes. It was the perfect cover."

ARMAND: "The estate of the family De LaCroix. Whilst their countrymen clutch ration cards, they've made quite a killing manipulating the black markets."

1945 - 1950: Paris' economy impoverished. "No salt, no butter. Can't have milk unless you got a newborn. And read here, 'Hospitals running low on Plaster-of-Paris for a record number of broken bones due to decalcification and undernourishment.' You want francs in pockets? These people are broke! I saw a woman tonight in a patchy five-year-old dress putting on a brand new lipstick.... Paris is on her way back. Give her a little time, is all."

LOUIS: "Five months of anxiety-producing choices, and not one 'bonjour,' or 'prépare-toi à mourir'?!"

ARMAND: "Five months removed from their velvet-heeled arrival, the Americans were finally coming to Pigalle."

SANTIAGO: "Five months of nights. Five insolent months of nights, waiting for you to humble us with your appearance. I ask you, Maitre, was it worth the wait?"

November 1945: Armand confronts Louis; invites Louis & Claudia to the Theatre des Vampires. (June to November is 5 months.) (ARMAND: "I had lost patience. I was convinced we were being toyed with and I could hold back the coven only so long. I knew the park well myself, knew what went on in the rambles there, so I was not surprised to find him without the girl. I would confront the elder, and make him aware of the ways rogue vampires were dealt with in Paris.")

LOUIS: Armand knows all about Lestat. CLAUDIA: How long's he known?! LOUIS: The whole time. Read our minds, first night at the theater.

November 14, 1945: 1x4 diary entry: "We've arrived in Paris, what a relief! My whole dead self feels revitalized head to toe. We might be outsiders to both human and Parisian life, but I do appreciate both now with such fervor! Granted, I've never hated my body [more]...." This also matches with Claudia meeting Madeleine and wanting clothes tailored to her size. And also with Louis remarking that it was only at the Theatre that "Claudia absolutely loved them. And it was the first time in Paris I had seen a smile or a laugh come out of her that wasn't for my benefit." By mid-November, Claudia's unhappy mood had vastly improved.

mid-December 1945: The coven hunt at Chateau de la Croix. "Claudia had attended a month of performances and the coven felt she had proven herself sincere." (Mid-December means this was likely a Christmas party the coven crashed! 😂🤣) Armand warns Louis to stop visiting Roget, and stop lying to the coven about Lestat/"Bruce."

1946

Claudia's coven initiation period; Loumand's courtship

Spring 1946:

Estelle sneezes during No Pain: "It's hay season!" This makes no effing sense for vampires to have allergies, but whatever, it was funny.

Louis keeps cruising gay parks. "There was a park I'd heard about. I would go to this park often. I was an armored thing that spring, someone steady on his feet, but… With a history of chasing the wrong kind of love." It is impossible for Louis to mean Spring of 1945, cuz that's when Hitler died, and that's before Venus de Milo arrived in Paris. This also makes no sense, if we accept that Armand met Louis in Nov. 1945, five months after their arrival.

Loumand starts courting. (LOUIS: "I walk a new part of the city every night. I try to get lost. Somehow I always end up back by the river [Seine]." ARMAND: "I started spending less time at the theater and more nights strolling the boulevards with Louis.")

Claudia is initiated in the coven; she doesn't sleep in the apartment anymore. (2x4, "What the f**k's gone on without me here?!")

Spring - Summer 1946: Baby LouLou starts performing [See Sept. '47 below.]

1946: Jean-Paul Sartre: "Evil is the product of the ability of humans to make abstract what is concrete," (2x3). A wildly popular quote, which no one ever cites. I can only assume it's an English translation of something Sartre originally said in French. All I could find that came remotely close is his Oct 1945 - Dec 1946 speech(es) L'existentialisme est un humanisme: "If values are uncertain, if they are still too abstract to determine the particular, concrete case under consideration, nothing remains but to trust in our instincts." IDFK, I'm not into all that confusing philosophical blahblah.

1946 - 1949: Loumand's sexcapades, Louis' photography. (RASHID: "The Paris Albums, 1946-1949." LOUIS: "Those were our young friends. Humans. Guys." ARMAND: "Some are very old now, most are dead. And some we simply drained for sport. Well… generally me! Louis has his ways.")

1947

Spring - Summer 1947: Louis starts art dealing.

LOUIS: I bought a Fougeron from you early in the year. I was a little short of asking, so I threw in that watch I was wearing. ALOIS: Ah, yes, yes, a good watch. Where did you hang the Fougeron? LOUIS: Over my bed all spring. Then I sold it to Germain Seligman in summer.

Fall 1947: Claudia's sick & tired of Baby LouLou

LOUIS: "By the 500th performance, Claudia was beyond bored."

ARMAND: "So explain to the company why the 500th performance of 'My Baby Loves Windows' felt more like a slog than a celebration?"

500 nights = 16 months, or 1.3 years, assuming Claudia did 1 performance every single night. In 2x4 Armand said: "Fifteen minutes a night to pretend."

CELESTE: Maitre might not have noticed as he has been nomadically attending the Theatre Des Vampires. SANTIAGO: And the infection spread what, year and a half ago? CELESTE: When a certain vampire was granted dispensation from coven membership.

September 1947: Boris Vian/Vernon Sullivan's Les morts ont tous la meme peau published. If we take Louis reading Vian's book the month it came out, in September, and 16 months of Baby LouLou performances, Claudia would've had to have started performing around June/Summer of 1946, give/take a few months, depending on when Louis got the book, and how regularly Claudia performed.

Fall 1947: Louis discusses R-26, where he's been visiting in 2x4.

ALOIS: So, you've been showing your work at the Perriers' salon? LOUIS: Always something interesting happening there. ALOIS: Maybe before the war more than now. But then I'm rarely out of my gallery.

Late 1947 - Early 1948

(There's A LOT that happens from 2x4 - 2x6 that I'm really unsure of. The ONLY diehard dates I have are for Louis' Wols painting, and Sam's Godot play. So I have to assume everything below happens within that timeframe.)

Celeste, Estelle & Santiago investigate Lestat at Roget's.

Armand lies about the Maitre coup: "In retrospect, the buffoon was in the audience, oblivious to the conspiracy uniting around him."

Madeleine almost gang-raped; Claudia reveals her vampirism

Claudia's final diary entry "Diaries are friends of last resort. I have found one not made of paper and glue. F**k these vampires."

Louis buys the Wols / Let's Go Sunning plays on the radio(?)

Louis meets Madeleine; Armand meets Madeleine

Sam's Godot play

Late 1947 - Early 1948: Santiago's Maitre coup starts; steals Claudia's diaries. Louis dumps DreamStat; Loumand's Arun/Maitre roleplay starts. (Because of the rain & lack of snow, I wonder if this is Fall 1987 / Spring 1948?)

Late 1947 - Early 1948: Sam starts writing several scripts:

Whatever play Santiago was rehearsing for, in 2x6's title "Like the light by which God made the world, before He made light." Meanwhile, the coven is passing around Claudia's diaries.

Waiting for Godot

The Trial script(?)

Late 1947 - Early 1948: Celeste, Estelle & Santiago investigate Lestat at Roget's.

Late 1947 - Early 1948: Louis buys a Wols (Alfred Otto Wolfgang Schulze), It's All Over The City (1947).

(Question: Is Jack Shaindlin's Let's Go Sunning (which plays as Santiago eavesdrops on Loumand banging) anachronistic, or does AMC know something I don't--more than likely--cuz Google keeps telling me it was first used in 1954 in the film Garden of Eden?)

Late 1947 - Early 1948: Louis meets Madeleine; Armand meets Madeleine (the same night, since they're all in the same clothes).

1948

HUGE timeskip. The ONLY definite timeframe I have is Godot.

October 9 1948 - January 29 1949: Waiting for Godot, by The Vampire Samuel Barclay / IRL Samuel Barclay Beckett.

Right after this scene, they cut to Dubai!Louis describing IRL events from 1949. So I'm cutting this post off here, to put all of that in context wrt the Trial, that also happened in 1949.

[astroyongie]

Riize June Reading 2024

Notes: Sorry for taking so long, I have been very busy with my thesis (defenses are coming up!). I will be fully back after the second week of July <3. Anyway, please enjoy and TAKE IT LIGHTLY

Shotaro

Love: So based on the reading, Shotaro is dating and things seem to be doing well for him and his partner. this is the same idol he has been dating since december of last year, so their relationship truly seem to be doing well and strong 

Career: honestly he is a little bit apathetic. mostly because he doesn't like the way the group is benign managed, he isn't having fun with the Riize concept and he doesn't have the closest relationship with other members. 

Self: I think he is his own enemy. Shotaro is someone who can be very impulsive and quite restless and his energy is heavy on that. mostly he is probably going through a shift at the moment which is the reason why he feels so out of place. 

Eunseok

Love: still single at the heart, but he is seeing several people in a non official way. Eunseok is the type of guy who receives a lot of confession from people around him and he doesn't necessarily turn them down but he also isn't the type at the moment to seek anything serious. so he is pondering his options and having fun

Career: Just like Shotaro, his career at the moment doesn't feel the best for him. He feels like the company keeps removing and taking away from him, both financially and opportunity wise. His sponsor probably has a few deals but the company has not accepted them.

Self: he isn't in the best headspace at the moment. his energy feels a little low, there’s a lot he is trying to process and he is having quite a hard time. i think his emotional energy is probably going through some stuff, there’s also some grief here, but this could be left over energy from her past relationship

Sungchan

Love: his situation did not change from february, to the point where i got exactly the same card for this reading as well. His love life is extremely unhealthy, the relationship he has with his partner is built in nothing but words that I can't apply here. due to obvious reasons i can’t really develop much on his love life, other that its a very toxic love 

Career: he isn’t very happy with how his career is going. not that he is heartbroken, but he was expecting more from SM, he was expecting more recognition, more fame, more. and that’s now what he feels like he is having from his hard work. 

Self:his energy around him is very puffy, very heavy, almost unbreathable. i think he is also going through some stuff at the moment that don't allow him to process his feelings correctly. he isn't on the best headspace 

Wonbin

Love: he is still single and not looking for love. He had a crush on someone but he knows that crush needs to stay platonic. there isn't much to pick out on his energy currently, and the deck isn't revealing much either 

Career: another member who is really not happy with how things are going and with the decision of the company for their group. Wonbin feels like the group is overwhelming him, the company and his career his overwhelming. he probably has some hard time emotionally due to his situation 

Self: despite all, he seems to be holding on in his head. Despite being exhausted and tired with his career, he is keeping himself positive and balanced. Wonbin is someone who doesn't allow himself to slip out 

Seunghan

Love: He is single at the moment as well, and not really focused on his love life. although Seunghan sees people outside and he has how own flings and fun, he isn't looking for anything serious as long as he is on a non constant situation 

Career: good news I think! at least i see things moving for Seunghan, i see some things being done behind the scenes and his sponsor and the company arranging things for a potential comeback 

Self: despite the exciting news, he doesn't seem to be the most happy person at the moment, there's a lot of heavy energy around Seunghan, a lot of disappointment and emotional immatureness 

Sohee

Love: Sohee is still dating the same person he was on my last reading and their relationship seem to be going strong and healthy 

Career: he is probably the only one who is rather satisfied with the choices of the company. he believes that he will beneficiate a lot from what they are cooking up for them and Sohee also as the luck to have a sponsor that is ready to invest in him 

Self: he is all alright, doing right and his energy is strong and quite chill as well. Although a little bit authoritative, he is doing well.

Anton

Love: He is still single and struggling with some delulu about someone. Anton truly had this crush on someone (the same that rejected him previously in february) but he doesn't want to let it go, because he believes that the person will crack and come to him 

Career: Just like Sohee he thinks that the decisions made by the company are start and they are good financially speaking. at least he is receiving his paychecks and he is using his time to develop his skills 

Self: he is shifting a lot, his energy is going through some transformation. based on what the deck says, maybe Anton is getting ready to show a new self or changing something physically

[shit-talk-turner]

they were quite young and he was on tour for much of their relationship // This is probably completely unnecessary but I have nothing to do so I wanted to quickly do an overview on their time spent together in their relationship. They got together in October of 2007 and the fwn tour ended two months later and alex didn’t release any more music for another four months until the Age of the Understatement with TLSP in April of 2008. During those four months a lot happened, and in February, the infamous love letter from Alex to Alexa was found in a bar. She also accompanied him to several events and award shows during this time and eventually mentioned that she was staying with him at the time in an interview which was during the Age of the Understatement tour which means she accompanied Alex and Miles during that time. They were seen going to Glastonbury together in the summer, and in September the My Mistakes Were Made For You music video came out, which had Alexa in it. In October 2008, she announced that she’d officially moved in with him in a “day in the life” interview with The Times and described how they have “the nicest life” together and being able to spend so much time with him was “the best thing ever”. After the final Last Shadow Puppets gig of the tour on November 3rd in LA, another pair of famous photos were taken of them almost nose to nose, smiling at each other after the concert. And to finish 2008 off, Alexa said in a Vanity Fair interview that she was going to spend we Years’s with the Arctic Monkeys and all their partners on holiday in Australia.

2009 began with Al and the monkeys doing some small gigs every now and then and teasing their next album. In February, the pair attended multiple ceremonies such as the Brit Awards, as well as the NME Awards together. After five months of alone time together, just being a couple, in April 2009 Alexa announced that she would be moving to New York to continue her career in TV in the US. Shortly after, Alex also announced that he was joining her, moving to America to stay with her. He got a bit of backlash because of this and some fans complained that he was risking too much for her and it would be too much of a trouble with writing music as the other members of the band stayed in the UK but they moved anyway. The next month, in July 2009, Alex and Alexa were photographed at the Late Night With Jimmy Fallon studios. A few days later, Alex’s parents visited the couple in New York and apparently spent “quality time” together and Alexa stated that “it was a pleasure and Al’s parents were lovely”. The Humbug tour carried on near the end of July and Alexa attended multiple shows either backstage or in the crowd to show her support. She pretty much always followed him on tour and they still spent much time together. That summer and autumn, the two of them continued attending US festivals and going out. They were photographed at All Points West as well as the ACL Festival. The tour carried on until April 2010 but the couple didn’t separate for most of this time until the end of the year where Alexa went back to London for Christmas.

Throughout 2010 they were constantly seen out together in New York doing just regular couple activities until they returned to the UK for Glastonbury on the 23rd of June and some other well known photos were taken in Heathrow Airport. Some other famous photos were taken on her 27th birthday party in November and some rumours popped up about engagement but nothing else really happened for the rest of the year and they just spent time together I guess.

In 2011, couple sightings in public of them began to get less and less common and the only seen interaction between AM and Alexa was at her interview talk show, Gonzo, when she interviewed Matt and Nick in April. There were no photos and no news of them until the very end of that month when the last couple photos of them ever were taken on the 24th and 25th but even then, they looked really happy, smiling and laughing together as well as kissing and hugging like a regular couple does. For a month, it was complete silence from the band and Alexa until she was spotted outside wearing an Arctic Monkeys T-shirt for her first sighting in four weeks. Around June, Alex had several interviews about his songs and their fourth album where he surprisingly didn’t hint at any problems with their relationship, saying his song She’s Thunderstorms was inspired by the storms that they got in New York and saying “So in that one, I like the idea that she's not even a thunderstorm, she's more than one. I quite like the fact she's plural. 'Thunderstorms' meaning just, y'know, awesome!” to an interview by NME. He also was asked in an interview by Q Magazine if his song Love is a Laserquest was about Alexa to which he responded, “I hope not, cos in the song it's over.”. Apparently, they were already having quite a few relationship problems during this period in time, though, according to concert-goers, Alexa was in the crowd at Arctic Monkeys’ Sheffield show in June having a good time. No pictures to back that up, however. On the 25th of June 2011, both of them attended Glastonbury Festival and allegedly didn’t really talk over the course of the entire weekend.

In late July of 2011 their split was officially announced due to “different schedules and in an order to save their friendship” by a spokesperson and apparently stayed close. Thats it. I’m sorry for how ridiculously long that was.

Love this, thank you

[yuzurujenn]

[2024.08.05] AERA x Yuzuru Hanyu: 24.8.12-19 No. 37

person in focus

"After all, it's frustrating when I can't perform well."

A session with photographer Mika Ninagawa for the first time in a year. In a long interview exclusive to this magazine, he talks about the ideals he pursues.

Writer: Takaomi Matsubara

Professional skater Yuzuru Hanyu

Born December 7, 1994 in Sendai. 2009 Won the Junior Grand Prix Final at age 14. 2010 Became the youngest Japanese male to win the World Junior Championships. 2011 While practicing at a rink in Sendai, the Great East Japan Earthquake occurred, and he had to live in an evacuation shelter. The rink where he was training was temporarily closed. 2012 First participated in the World Championships, coming in third. 2013 Graduated from Tohoku High School. Enrolled in a correspondence course at the Faculty of Human Sciences at Waseda University, studying human informatics and cognitive sciences. Won his first Grand Prix Final. Won four consecutive titles thereafter. 2014 First Asian gold medal in men's figure skating at the Sochi Olympics. First World Championship win. 2017 Second World Championship win. 2018 Second gold medal in men's figure skating at the Pyeongchang Olympics. 2020 Won his first Four Continents Championship, becoming the first man to win all major international junior and senior competitions. 2022 Participated in the Beijing Olympics. In July, announced his professional career. The ice show "Prologue" was held in Yokohama in November and in Hachinohe in December. 2023 In February, the ice show "GIFT" was held at Tokyo Dome. In March, the ice show "notte stellata" was held in Miyagi Prefecture. In March and April, he appeared in the ice show "Stars on Ice" (Osaka, Iwate, Yokohama). In May and June, he appeared in the ice show "Fantasy on Ice" (Makuhari, Miyagi, Niigata, Kobe). In November, the ice show "RE_PRAY" tour began at Saitama Super Arena. The following year, it was held at SAGA Arena in Saga in January, Pia Arena MM in Yokohama in February, and Sekisui Heim Super Arena in Miyagi in April. 2024 In March, the ice show "notte stellata" was held in Miyagi Prefecture. In May and June, he appeared in the ice show "Fantasy on Ice" (Makuhari, Aichi). On September 15th, he will be performing in the "Noto Peninsula Reconstruction Support Charity Performance Challenge" in Ishikawa Prefecture.

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It has been two years since he made a new start as a professional figure skater in the summer of 2022. In 2024, he led three successful ice shows: "RE_PRAY" (Saga, Yokohama, Miyagi performances), "notte stellata" and "Fantasy on Ice".

The shoot with Mika Ninagawa for the first time in a year began with a cheerful greeting from each other, "Thank you for your continued support this year," and "Thank you." When she said to him, "You're still as young as ever!", Hanyu replied with a smile, a little embarrassed, "I'm almost 30."

"Move freely."

With those words, he made expressions and gestures as he pleased.

Various scenes were set up in the vast studio. Hanyu, who changed costumes and was photographed in each scene, moved and made expressions freely, sometimes under instructions and sometimes as if he was imagining (creating) a story himself. The people watching repeatedly let out gasps of amazement as the images were displayed one after another on the computer monitor. It was nothing short of amazing how he instantly exuded various moods - from boyish with a hint of innocence to cool and seductive.

His creativity was not limited to the way he behaved as a subject. When the BGM was played during the shoot, his body naturally responded to the music, and he also requested songs himself when he saw the costumes. There was also a moment when he saw a prop that had been set up and asked, "Do you have one more of these?" This revealed his high level of creative awareness.

The shooting has completed.

"Thank you very much," he said, and there was something light-hearted and cheerful about it. After a year, what he showed in the studio was a more mature and expressive side to him.

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Exclusive interview with this magazine

[In pursuit of a distant ideal]

He is now in his third year as a professional figure skater. Reflecting on his days of taking on unprecedented challenges, he spoke about what he has gained from them and what the future holds.

Photo: Mika Ninagawa    Writer: Takaomi Matsubara

Yuzuru Hanyu, the journey continues

hair & make up: Noboru Tomizawa  styling: Masataka Hattori costume: NEEDLES    BED j.w. FORD    YUKI HASHIMOTO  prop styling: Ayumi Endo

Yuzuru Hanyu started out as a professional figure skater in 2022. In his first professional ice show, "Prologue," he performed the first solo ice show in history. He skated for nearly two hours, with a structure that richly conveyed his skating career. Following "Prologue," he then performed a solo show at the Tokyo Dome for the first time in history, "GIFT." The ice show filled the gigantic venue, which had never been seen before.  After "Prologue" and "GIFT," he held the performance "notte stellata" in March 2023, which was filled with thoughts and prayers for March 11. It has been a year since our interview last summer, following those three performances.

Changes in the "depth" of thinking

"When I was interviewed a year ago, it had just been a year since I turned professional. I had a desire to grow and learn more specialized things. In the year since then, I think that my technique, expression, and many other aspects have changed. Among them, I feel that I have had many more opportunities to think about expression. I have been thinking about expression even in my daily life. I think that the way I think about my show, the way I think about each program, the depth of those things has clearly changed." He talks about what triggered the change in the past year. "First of all, I had to spend more time thinking about writing a new ice story after GIFT and also about my own performance.” The new ice story was "RE_PRAY", under the title "ICE STORY 2nd".  It opened on November 4, 2023 at Saitama Super Arena. It was performed in Saitama for two days, on that day and the following day, and in the new year it was performed in Saga on January 12th and 14th, and in Yokohama on February 17th and 19th, for a total of six performances in three cities. After the premiere in Saitama on November 4th, Hanyu said the following. "First of all, I myself have learned from games, manga, novels, and various other sources, about what life is all about, how precious life is, and other similar things that everyone else roughly feels.

In games, the concept of life is really light in a sense, and you can repeat it, so you can use characters to do all sorts of things and push forward with curiosity. If you apply that to the real world, you might be a person who has the drive to grab hold of dreams, or conversely, from a different perspective, you might be a very terrifying person. But if you could do it all over again, I'm sure people would try it."

24 hours a day, always skating

In this story with a game motif, the question of "choice" is often depicted. We make choices in our lives, even if we are not aware of it. What if you choose a different option than the one you originally chose? Or would you choose the same option? This story asks the audience, which serves as an opportunity to reexamine their way of life. Of course, just like "Prologue" and "GIFT," the fact that this story was completed and received with overwhelming acclaim was due to the performance of Hanyu, who was the sole performer. And even after six performances, he did not try to stay in the same place. He continued to evolve. There were many evidences of this growth at the final performance of the Yokohama show, for example. The movements in the performance of "Chicken, Snake and Pig" where he moved forward as if resisting the shackles. The performance of "Megalovania", following a silent performance without music with only the sound of his edges resonating, was more integrated with the music than in previous performances. Not only in the production aspects, but also in the details of Hanyu's performance itself, there were traces of refinement here and there. After the Saga performance, Hanyu spent his days preparing more rigorously for the Yokohama performance.  "Of course, I trained and restricted my diet. Well, how should I say it, there are 24 hours in a day, but I spent the entire time on nothing else but skating. In other words, skating was always present, 24 hours a day.” "That's right. To put it simply, it felt like I was spending every day just working on 'RE_PRAY'." The reason he spent all his time facing skating was because he had regrets about the Saga performance. "After all, it's frustrating when I can't perform well." However, the standards of frustration have changed from when he was a competing athlete.

Still not enough

"Gradually, the focus is shifting from scores to an evaluation. If something technical that I had planned didn't go well, then my evaluation vector changes and my perspective shifts. I couldn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish in Saga, so I was simply disappointed." After spending 24 hours focused on skating, the Yokohama performance came. After the final performance, he said, "I feel a sense of accomplishment like winning the Olympics." While he felt a sense of fulfillment, he wasn't completely satisfied. He also felt that his ability had not yet caught up with what he wanted to do. "So I feel like there are still things I need to study more. Of course, I think I'm evolving. I think I'm getting better. But I still feel like it's not enough. As I keep digging deeper and deeper, my ideals become higher, and the things I want to express are becoming more and more specific. The more my ideals become more concrete, the more I feel like I'm not catching up." He is aware that he still has areas where he needs to improve, especially in the finer details. This is something he realises now, which he didn't feel this way when he was competing in the sport. "It's impossible to realise this when you're a competitive athlete. After all, if you can jump, you win. To be honest, if you couldn’t jump, there was no point in talking about it, as the outcome of the competition was pretty much decided by how many types of quadruple jumps there are and where you put them in the program. For example, what memories do you have of this song, the background of this song, what is the story you want to express, how will the story and the song fit together, or what meaning is in the choreography, to be honest, there’s not much room to think about them. You have to complete all your technical elements in one go in the four minutes of a competition (free skate), so that's all you can focus on."

A world not in first place

Win the match. In a competition, that is set as a goal. "Since I had already achieved that, there was no way I could go any higher. If you think about it in the world of competition, I won first place, so even if I tried harder, I couldn't get any higher than first place. In other words, I just tried to see how long I could maintain that first place position.

But in the world I'm in right now, even if I think I'm in first place, it may not be. It’s a place where I can think, "I'm still at the bottom". When I look at the various works of art or technically excellent things from around the world, I feel that there are still many things I can't do, so I think that I still have a long way to go." When he moved from the world of competition, which was fixed in a sense, to a new world, it was no longer a confined space. However, whether one knows its vastness or not, whether one feels that there is an endlessly wide world out there, is up to the individual. So even though the world is infinite, some people only notice a limited space. Or, there are those who limit the space themselves.

Right now, Hanyu thinks, "I still have a long way to go." He feels like he's at the bottom. This is because he knows that the world is endlessly vast. The reason he feels this way is because he has the ambition to move forward without being content with the present. So instead of seeing the place he has arrived at as the end point, he knows that there is still space to go beyond that.

Ideals evolve

"I may have surpassed the ideal I had a year ago. But the sense of distance between me and my ideal is probably the same as it was a year ago. For example, if the distance between me and my ideal a year ago was 10 meters, it may be 10 meters, no, 11 meters now. That's how I feel. I'm living and experiencing life, I see information every day, and in the midst of that, my ideal evolves. My ideal gets further and further away. But at the same time, through what I have seen and experienced, I'm sure I’m also one step closer to my ideal." Then, after a short pause, he continued with a smile. "As long as I want to, I think I can continue for the rest of my life." The skater is still on his journey, striving towards the ideals he has built with his own will. 

Source: AERA issue 24.8.12-19 No.37, pg 9-15 Info: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B0D89L6LS2