#I also have in my brain what classes I think the rest of the core 4 would play

[toastsartcornerthesequel]

I think Tim Drake would be the forever DM when it comes to D&D. It's not that his friends force him to constantly be the dungeon master for their campaigns, but it's something he enjoys doing. He actually prefers being a dungeon master more than a player.

While he's not much of a writer, I think he'd love world building. He probably has his world's currency system figured out. He creates his own conlang for it that no one is gonna take time to learn but that's okay because he has fun doing it. He's got spreadsheets and documents filled with lore that he can look back on later. He has his whole campaign figured out from start to finish and all the twists and turns laid out

His friends derail it instantly. Kon hits a nat 20 when seducing the buff orc lady that was suppose to be the big bad. His friends take almost a full session to get out of a room because they thought a tipped over chair was important to solving the puzzle when really it was there for set dressing. Cassie accidentally kills an important plot related NPC. Tim sighs and goes back through his documents to delete what he had planned.

[cordeliawhohung]

Core, what about a bit of competition with ps! Gaz? Some new girl who think's she's already the darling of the studio takes a liking to Gaz, but finds out about his ties with reader.

The one time she gets to film with Gaz, she overplays her role and absolutely covers his neck, collar, shoulder, everything with hickeys, hoping it will deter the reader.

So imagine her shock when the next day, she pops into his dressing room and finds the reader in there as well, applying foundation over the marks and littered with dozens from Gaz himself. ❤️

(I realize how dumb this sounds as an ask but it's been rotting my brain for days and I desperately need it gone so I can focus on my college classes 😭)

thanks this has also been rotting my brain because i just love putting people in their place (: more ps!gaz here <3

The crux of your ass sits in perfect place on Kyle's thighs while your legs straddle the expanse of his hips. Warm hands rest on your waist as you manhandle his jaw, tilting his head side to side to get better access to his neck. Thick, round hickeys litter the delicate skin around his throat and down to his shoulders in angry, red pinpoint marks that break the beautiful and even tone of his skin with something revolting. They look like proper bruises rather than the after effects of a... wild video shoot. As if someone had tried to strangle him rather than make love to him.

You remember the video well, along with that new model with her fake blonde hair and even faker tan that they had paired Kyle with to shoot the other day. You had only seen her in person one time, and you vividly recall the way her blue eyes rolled over your body, assessing every inch of you before ultimately deciding you were worth very little time. Confidence was a must when you worked in the porn industry, but her attitude borders on an arrogance you haven't seen since your teenage years in public school.

As you apply yellow color corrector onto the dark marks on his skin, you nearly shiver as the images of her stained lips suckling on Kyle's neck flood your mind. There was little room to feel jealousy about her ravaging your favorite co-star when you were too busy cringing. So childish. Over zealous. You nearly cried tears of laughter when you noticed Kyle's expression, grimacing at the wet tongue and annoying teeth that nipped at him, yet still having to pretend to enjoy it. Even the comments on the video joked about it.

Put him back with the other model.

"If I didn't know any better, I would have thought someone tried to strangle you," you tease.

"She might as well have," Kyle sighs. He adjusts his shoulders against the back of the chair, bare pecs flexing with the movement, bringing your attention to the uncovered marks that line his collarbone. "Haven't been able to go out in public without a goddamn turtleneck 'cause of her."

You chuckle as you finish applying and buffing out the rest of the color corrector along his skin. It leaves him looking sickly and discolored, which oddly enough is an improvement to what it looked like before. Setting the corrector to the side, you grab foundation next, hips swaying as you attempt to get some movement in your aching knees. Holding that position for so long without moving had them burning with fatigue.

"Need a break, doll?" Kyle prompts, hands sliding from your waist to your thighs.

"Don't know if we have time for a break. Got a lot of ground to cover before we start," you humor.

Kyle sits forward, throwing you off balance, yet he doesn't let you sway very far before his arms wrap around you, hands supporting your back. Adoring eyes crease as a grin floods his face. Even without the aid of studio lights he glows like a god as he leans closer and places a kiss on your neck.

"Show can't start without us," he says, teeth grazing your skin as he wanders down to your collarbone. "Could always give you a few hickeys to match, if you want."

He doesn't wait for you to answer before his tongue glides across your clavicles just for his teeth to follow right after. A chuckle rumbles in his chest at the tightening of your legs around his hips, and his hands only pull you closer. It doesn't take much for you to give in. Head rolling back, muscles melting as his lips conquer everything you're willing to give him. It's a delicate softness mixed with a brutal bite, something that leaves you gasping as he pulls the very air from your lungs and feeds on the sounds.

Kyle is more starved for you than usual. Sick of the fake, over dramatic screeching he got last week with that other model, he's hungry for the real thing. Hungry for you.

The unopened foundation falls free from your loose fingers and rolls along the floor into some forgotten corner when his hands wander underneath your shirt. It's a dance he has memorized; unclasping your bra without a second thought and tearing both it and your shirt off in a single, swift motion. He gives you little time to recover before his mouth is on your tits, kissing a sparse trail until he's rolling a perky nipple between his lips.

His bare skin feels like heaven underneath the palm of your hands as you grip his shoulders for stability. He'd take you on the cold, dressing room floors, you knew he would. A part of you wanted him to. Fuck the shoot, they should've learned well enough to put cameras in the dressing rooms by that point with how handsy Kyle Garrick always was with you.

"Can't wait until we get on set to try and undo me?" you ask breathlessly.

"Doll, I'll undo you right here and then again on set if you asked me to," he mumbles into your skin.

A quiet squeak interrupts your moment and the ambiance of the room shifts when the door to Kyle's dressing room opens. His hands grow stiff against your spine as you look over your shoulder at the figure in the doorway. You smell her perfume before you recognize her. Something drowning and floral, like a mall department store. It burns your nose, yet you're too distracted by the slack-mouth surprise etched onto the features of the new blood's face.

It's cute; her confusion. How her eyes flicker over your bare back and Kyle's hands pressed against your skin like he's cradling the only thing he cares for in the world. The dots just can't quite connect in her mind as to why he hasn't completely fallen for her yet, as if the only way she knows how to lure men is by butchering their neck with discolored marks. She can't comprehend why he'd rather have you in his lap than her.

Kyle draws a shocked groan from you when his teeth nip at your shoulder, and your eyes have no choice but to fall away from the woman in the doorway as he pulls you closer to him. His chin gently rests on your shoulder as he stares at the model, hands moving to rest on your hips.

"Need somethin?" he asks, bored.

There is very little you wouldn't have given to see the look on her face, but the small huff followed by the door slamming shut is good enough. Small giggles rattle your body as you lean back to get a better look at Kyle, as if your body would throw a fit if he wasn't within your sight. There's an inexplicable relief that floods his face as he looks up at you, and he mirrors your smile.

"What?" he defends. "Only asked her if she needed somethin."

"I think you broke her heart," you patronize.

"She'll live," he mumbles, lips falling against the crook of your neck again. "Your heart is the only one I care about, anyway."

[gremlin-bot]

This is based off this prompt from @stealingyourbones! Now this does have Hanahaki disease in it as well as blood and things to do with the lungs if y'all don't like that! this is also my first time writing for DC. 

Edit: Here is the ao3 link

Blooming Death, Please Love Me

Danny never thought he would get Hanahaki disease after the accident. He was too busy with ghosts and general survival. He sees that he is wrong now, with burning lungs and the taste of iron on his tongue. Small red petals cupped in now bloody hands. Most would think it was a rose in his lungs, but Danny can feel they are not. His core hurts, lungs burn, and blood blossoms bloom in his lungs.

Danny sighs. He'll have to deal with this later, his break is almost up and he still has half of his shift left. He just hopes Tim doesn't come in while he's working, his lungs and core wouldn't be able to take it.

Danny usually works nights in a 24/7 coffee shop next to the Gotham University campus. It pays well enough for his shitty crime alley apartment, plus he can go there straight after his classes. He didn't expect to see any vigilantes during his working hours, but Red Robin's coffee addiction won't rest (much like the vigilante himself).

Now vigilantes aren't the only high profile people to tumble in during Danny's shifts. The Wayne family, for some ungodly reason, tends to stop in. According to his co-workers, they mostly stop in only during his shift. Danny thinks they are liars. Why would they only come during his shift, it's not like he does anything that would catch their attention. He's mostly retired from the hero gig and keeps invisible during his ghostly flights.  

Danny is just a normal tired college student trying to get through his shifts. Really he should have known that could never happen. The thing with being a barista is that you get really good at recognizing voices. So, when Red Robin came in a couple hours after Tim Drake with the same tired but steady voice, well Danny didn't tell a soul.

It's a Friday night and his lungs burn. Danny is trying his best to stay calm. Fixing the mess his heart got him into might turn his half-life into a bigger tragedy than it already was. To think his second death was blooming in his lungs over a hot, too smart for his own good, vigilante. Danny coughs, petals brush and burn his throat. They sit on the tip of his tongue, like the words he has yet to say. Blood blossoms, the only damn flower he couldn't live through. He was going to die from the burning of his chest and core. Spitting out the poison of his heart's creation, Danny gets back to work.

It was a slow night, not surprising considering Gotham is still recovering from a break out at Arkham. The chances of Tim showing up should be high but Red Robin hasn't been seen in the streets lately. Danny really should stop thinking about him, his core aches, but he really can't help but worry. 

___________

Tim was tired of not being able to take a full breath. He never had Hanahaki disease before. Never fell this hard for someone. This unexpected event put him out of commission for anything related to the bats and the birds. He hated it but couldn't blame them, not when he let it get this bad.

Tim's petals didn't start with the first time he saw Danny but damn was it close. A cute guy that doesn't even blink at the amount of espresso shots he asked for, isn't what kept Tim drawn to Danny. No it was his snark and brain. Tim often sees him working on some engineering project. If he has time, Tim will get Danny to ramble on what he's doing. Danny was brilliant. If he wasn't a full time student, Tim would have tried to snatch him for Wayne Enterprises.

He really hoped that the rest of his family didn't catch on to his crush, but hope can only take you so far. It was Dick that called him out on it. He is also the one to text it to the sibling group chat, like the trader he is. They make bets to find the person that has Tim looking like a love sick puppy. The first petal is coughed up, unnoticed by the family of great detectives, hidden under tongue and deflective words. 

Tim didn't look at the first petal, or the second or third. He refused to believe that his heart was gone this quick, before his family even had a chance to look for the boy who wanted to touch the stars. Another cough, more petals.

Jason is the one to find Danny first, surprisingly. He wasn't even trying to look either, but hey he'll take winnings anyway. Since then the rest of his siblings stalked the coffee shop for the boy to make sure he was good for Tim. Honestly Tim wouldn't be surprised if Bruce knew what was happening and was helping them. 

The commotion of his siblings hid his flowering lungs well, but at this point denial was useless. Tim fell hard for Danny, a cute boy with a brilliant mind to match. Tim coughs hard. Lungs rattling as a whole handful of petals fall from his mouth to his dinner plate past his poorly cupped hands. Everyone stops around him, it's silent. Tim for the first time looked at the petals from his lungs, white Chrysanthemums are the flowers suffocating him. Concerned chaos enraptured him.

Bruce pulls him from patrol, even after Arkum's break out. Everyone is walking on eggshells around him, well almost everyone. Jason doesn't feel the irrational guilt of worsting Tim's flower with teasing and the like. Tim may hate the situation he got himself into but at least someone is being sensible about it, (unlike himself). 

It's around the time he would stop in to see Danny as Red Robin, when Jason checks in on him. Tim is coughing up whole flower heads, their roots pulling at the inside of his lungs with a long stinging sensation that turns into a stab with each convulsion. Hands hold him upright as the petals stop falling from his mouth. 

Jason looks worried before sighing, his face shifting to a shit eating smirk. "It's been a week and here I thought you are smart enough to confess" 

"You just saw me cough up a garden and that's what you say to me? Unbelievable!" Tim flat start is barely held as he fights a slightly hysterical laugh.

"Really living life here, Timbo. How's those flowers tasting? Not good I assume but clearly you like them enough to keep them so fucking long"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. I should confess and shit, but I'm on mandatory bed rest. If Alfred catches me going out, I think I'll die from the disappointment."

Jason smirks turns smug "Good thing I already told him I was taking you out so you can take care of your sad love life. Come on let's go before your boy toy’s shift ends"

This sends Tim into a panic. He is nowhere near ready to go outside the manor least of all talk to Danny, but Jason doesn't care. He throws Tim over his shoulder and turns to walk out of Tim's room.

"Wait! Wait! Wait!!" Tim pleads "I'm not even sure if Danny likes guys and I'm not meeting him looking like I've been dying the past week!"

"The dying thing is true and you know it but I guess you can get changed." Jason relents, setting Tim down. "Be out by my bike in 10 or I'm hunting you down"

Tim scurries to his closet. Okay, he's doing this. To think that out of all of his siblings it would be Jason that finally gets him to confess. Tim is going to make him pay for his coffee when this is all over.

___________

Danny's shift is almost over, and there is still no sign of Red Robin. Not seeing him for a week shouldn't worry him this much, Tim could be on a business trip for all Danny knows. Actually he would know, Tim has a habit of complaining about having to leave for them.

His core burns as a red vapor starts to trickle up his throat. Hanahaki disease shouldn't be taking over his lungs this fast, but life decided to deal him a bad hand. Danny painfully swallows the vapor. He just has to make it to the end of his shift, he'll call Jazz for help then.

He is resting his head on the counter with his eyes closed, trying to manage the blooming pain. He is the only one here tonight besides his manager Anna. The bell above the door rings out into the quiet shop. He stands up from his resting position putting on his customer service smile. 

Tim is standing just in the door. Their blue eyes meet and red vapor fills his burning lungs. Danny is going to drown in petals and green flaked blood. Danny starts coughing hard, not even trying to hide the bloody petals falling from his lips, nor the vapor rolling up into the air. 

Tim rushes to the counter, his own petals starting to fall from him. At the same time Danny's manager walks out from the back, stopping him from vaulting over the counter. She looks startled before seeing their collection of petals. 

"Danny, you can take the rest of your shift off. I'll cover the rest just to figure your shit out before you come in next okay." She says while helping Danny up.

He glances at Tim then back at her before nodding. "Okay, I'll clean the mess-"

"No. I got it, plus I think that you'll only make it worse at the moment." She gives him a small smile, while shoo-ing to the back so he can grab his things.

"Well, since you are waiting for him, is there anything I can get you?" She asked.

Oh right Tim forgot Jason was there. His brain shut off when he saw Danny crumple from a familiar cough. The red vapor and amount of blood mixed with the petals was concerning but hopefully that will be fixed after this. Petals fill his mouth as he orders him and Danny coffee. Pushing Jason to the counter to pay as they discussed (argued) on the way there.

Danny comes out the same time their order is done. Tim grabs the drinks and walks up to the cause of the flowers blooming in his lungs. Danny looks nervous, but smiles at Tim with slightly bloody teeth anyway. That shouldn't be hot. Tim blushes as he holds back the worst of his coughs. Petals puff out of his mouth like the first fallen leaves in autumn caught in the wind. Danny giggles as his own bloody petals fall.

"Man, I guess we got each other huh." Danny sighs

"Yeah, wanna talk about it? It's a little late to take you out for dinner, unless you want Batburger?" Tim leads Danny out of the coffee shop, leaving Jason behind.

"Batburger for a first date doesn't sound too bad." Danny grins, and the pull in his lungs disappears. The last of the Chrysanthemums petals leave his mouth. He looks at Danny hoping to see the same, but Danny looks anxious and in pain still.

"But, before that there's something I have to tell you. If we are doing this it would be unfair for you to not know" Danny takes a deep breath and turns to look at Tim. He really shouldn't tell Tim but he'll have to trust him. 

"I'm half ghost. I had a lab accident when I was younger that killed me but brought me back… mostly. Now I can turn into a ghost and have ghost power. Also fangs but that's less important and I'm rambling now. Please say something."  

Tim blinked "Well that wasn't what I was expecting but at this point, it could be worse. I believe and accept you. We can talk more about that later in a different place." Tim said, looking hopefully at Danny. 

The burning in Danny's lungs stopped with one last drag of red vapor and bloody petals fall from his lips. He relaxes and takes Tim's hand.

"Good, because the flowers that were in my lungs are like one of the only thing that can kill ghosts and they fucking burned. Anyway, where is the nearest Batburger?" Danny says, casual as ever.

"Wait, WHAT!!" 

[bidisaster-peanut-romano]

about the parallels between derby and bif / achilles and patroclus.

first of all, i need to warn you- if you have read the song of achilles, delete it from your brain. forget about it forever you can rest now it was all a bad dream. know that both their personalities and their dynamics were simplified and stripped of all their cultural significance, reducing them to a hormonal-thirteen-years-olds-wattpad-fanfiction-from-2012 kind of story that fucking irks me as a classic lits student. with all due respect to thirteen year olds writing fanfic on wattpad in 2012.

so, the thing about them. achilles is the strongest warrior of the greeks, just him deciding not to partake in the war is a decisive hit for the army; just one nod of his is enough to decide the entire fate of his companions. but also, he's driven by blind pride, personal gain, an archaic and profound sense of honor. except that, you know- this is much more natural of a mindset than it might seem, because it's a very part of the societal and cultural structure these warriors live in. it is a value that's passed on within generation and that any sane citizen would've had, it was the mentality of the ruling class and the contrary would've been an anomaly. (if ur interested in this aspect: see archilocus' shield)

i think it's already easy to notice how this parallels some of the very core aspects of the preps' context and derby in particular. every action, their very existence is a matter of honor and reputation; for derby in particular, the leader, the one who always calls the shots, and when he wants something there's no one stopping him, not even his own clique. he will have what he wants, and if just one small offense is done to him, it's everyone's fault, and nothing will get better unless the cut is mended.

and then there's patroclus. older, wiser. he's not as powerful as achilles, but he's a level-minded, resistant and skilled warrior, favored by the gods. that's mostly what i hate about what madeline miller did to him, trying to make him into a relatable, pacifist softboy- he's one of the greatest warriors of the army, respected and recognized by all. he's perfectly capable of standing up on his own and fighting without achilles, basically massacring an entire army; if apollo didn't intervene, he would have won against hector change my mind

the thing about them, though, is that... they're still stronger together. a warrior's arms were a sacred thing, so when patroclus wears achille's armor is much more than a simple impersonation. they re exchanging power, almost blending into each other, and patroclus fights with his own and achilles' power. do you see the parallel there?

derby is of course a great leader, and bif is a powerful fighter on his own; but when you put them together they become unbeatable, a force of nature that is born from the union of them.

and also!! one of my favorite scenes from the iliad is one where we see achilles, in his tent, playing the lyre, while patroclus sits in front of him. for one: sitting in front of each other was a gesture of great intimacy, almost symbolic. two: this is almost a contradiction with what we said about achilles before. he is a demigod, but here and now, playing sad music, sitting in front of patroclus, he becomes human.

and that's the thing about derby and bif, that in their life they're expected to uphold aristocratic values, to never show any trace of imperfections or flaws. that their pride and reputation, as they have been told their whole lives, is essential, and they have nothing without it. and yet, when they are together, they just let that superhuman mask fall, and they can just be fragile, emotional, they can have a heart beating and flesh and blood and they can love. when they're together they are human again

tad and peanut / romeo and juliet | bryce and chad / cupid and psyche

[ostrichmonkey-games]

DEATHGRIND!!MEGASTRUCTURE Design Dive

Wow this has been sitting in my drafts, mostly finished for ages now. Anyways, time to release it to the wilds.

A few weeks ago I released a new game (editor's note: it has now been more than a few weeks), DEATHGRIND!!MEGASTRUCTURE for the Together We Go Jam over on itch. Together We Go is a design guide/SRD based on Down We Go, which itself is under the often nebulous umbrella of "OSR" gaming. In this case, it's the snappy mechanics, emphasis on anti-canon, relatively high lethality, and emphasis on the table's creativity is what puts it under that umbrella, imo. I'd consider it part of the maybe post-osr or N(ew)SR but that's a discussion for another time and for people who understand that scene better than me. I was drawn to TWG b/c it's a pretty simple framework with a cool twist on the typical OSR style of classes.

Rather than picking a class, you invest levels into multiple classes as you progress, with each class having its own set of cool abilities and more importantly, bonuses. One class might give you a bonus to hit things, another increases your defense. Stuff like that. It's pretty fun! A full breakdown on DWG/TWG could be fun sometime.

Now, time for the DEATHGRIND!!MEGASTRUCTURE stuff beneath the cut! It's long!

WRITING AND DESIGN

Anyway, DGMS. Originally I had the brain-blast of a title for the eventual game; Hyperpop Megastructure. Which honestly, could be very fun to revisit, but I scrapped that angle because I didn't want to do too much on the layout/graphic design side of things (editor's note; he did in fact do too much on the layout/graphic design side of things) and a hyperpop inspired game should have a wild layout. Also I'm just not familiar enough with the genre to really do it service -lmao.

I stuck with the Megastructure part for the time being and started brainstorming the potential classes (since those make the mechanical core of the game). Below are the early versions straight from my notes;

These were the initial outlines for the classes (a 4th was added later) and really set the tone for the rest of the game (and it marks the first appearance of the FRACTALDEATHMACHINE). By that point, I knew I wanted to do something inspired by BLAME! by Tsutomu Nihei. Its the first thing I always think of when the word "megastructure" comes up. Honestly, it's a very formative piece of sci-fi for me.

I wanted to push DGMS weirder. Just go all out on the nonsense. Together We Go games don't rely on a lot of setting exposition. The information of the world is found within the mechanics, random tables, gear, and factions that are presented.

This is what forms the central idea of an "anti-canon". You (the writer) give just enough info on the world and setting for the table to get started, but the details, the lore and truths about that world emerge at the table as the Referee/GM and players explore and interact with what is on the paper.

The FRACTALDEATHMACHINE is the biggest example of this anti-canon in practice. All the table gets is a brief description of a few general things. The FDM is hungry, it is ancient, and it is always pursuing the TOWER. A few other places in the text provide more spaces for the table to explore by prompting the players and GM to come up with "terrible truths" about the nature of the FDM.

What is this insight? Why is it considered terrible? Go find out!

For DGMS I wrote a relatively short bit relaying the premise of the game to readers; you play as POST_human remnants within the ancient megastructure the TOWER which is constantly under threat by the ravenous FRACTALDEATHMACHINE.

Side note, I absolutely went bananas with funky proper nouns and formatting. Small things like that can really help convey the tone of the game!

And that's really about it for the setting assumptions. More details are tucked into descriptions of the factions, gear, classes, and locations you get to explore, but there aren't any answers out there. Its all up to the table to find those answers for themselves! What is the FRACTALDEATHMACHINE, why is it devouring the TOWER, can you stop it? Who knows!

Go find out!

MECHANICS

The core game mechanics fit onto a single page, and aren't really changed too much from the base TWG system. In general, its a straightforward "roll over a difficulty value" using a d20.

Three of the four classes give a special bonus either to hit things, defense, or "hacking" - the undefined "magic" of the game. The fourth class, the DLVR, gets a special situational bonus that implies something about their place in the world - a special bonus against ARCHITECT relics - something which furthers the potential for the table to explore the anti-canon. What exactly is their link to the ARCHITECTS?

Outside of the core mechanics and classes, there are two major parts of the game (and two slightly more minor-ish parts). The LAYERS of the TOWER and the CTY_enclave. LAYERS are effectively unmapped "dungeons". They are dangerous sections of the world where the "outside" adventures happen.

DWG uses mapped dungeons as its, well, dungeons. I've never been hugely into running or playing through mapped dungeons (though I appreciate a well thought out dungeon!) And also I'm lazy. So unmapped it is. LAYERS are essentially a compact list of hazards, hostiles, and interesting tid-bits for the referee to use to whip up something fun and dangerous.

TWG games have a punchy, fast-paced, high-lethality action, so in DGMS, I was far more concerned with providing refs a general template and list of Interesting Things, than complex maps or complicated enemies. The ref does far more responding to player actions than they do planning out complicated encounters. It is perfectly easy, in this sort of game, to just toss something at the players and see what happens!

Couple that with mechanics such as "reaction rolls" (randomly determining how NPCs react to players) and the ref's job starts to become plugging a few random variables into a mechanical procedure, seeing what gets spit out, and then asking players what they do next, and then continuing the whole loop! I love procedural gameplay, and could, and probably will, write more on that another time.

Aside from being the places where most of the adventures happen, LAYERS are also another way to package Interesting World bits. One of my favorite parts about writing for/designing this style of game, is that you rarely need justification for putting something in. I can say that in one LAYER, players will face a "MACHINE!!GOD blastula". And that's it! Everything about the nature of that thing is going to emerge at the table, and will almost always be way cooler than whatever deep lore I could have written for it! (Now, this doesn't mean that I don't enjoy writing some Dense Exposition, but time and place and all that).

The other half to the LAYERS is the CTY_enclave; the players homebase and secondary adventure site. I whipped up a quick mapping procedure for creating your CTY_enclave, and it shifts every time the players return to it from their adventures. There are different modules within the CTY. In some you can buy stuff, others you can get information and recover health. Some hide valuable resources but also equally hidden danger.

Just like LAYERS, I wanted to embed story-potential, that delicious anti-canon, into the CTY. Little nuggets of Ideas like, Conduit Riders in the middle of a death race, machine monks transporting a metal sarcophagus (that has a small chance of containing a copy of one player!), or gaining the ability to commune with the FRACTALDEATHMACHINE itself, are breadcrumbs that could turn into larger story beats and adventures if the players and table invest their own interpretation and meaning into them!

Aside from that, the main Design Bit I did for the CTY is the mapping method. A hub location is part of the TWG vibe, but I felt that one, mapping using dice is fun, and two, a constantly, randomly shifting hub really suited the tone and setting of the game.

The last two main parts of the game are the gear and hostile lists. Again, they have surface purposes - cool stuff to Get, cool stuff to Fight (and get killed by) - but also help provide more of that anti-canon scaffolding (I am really going to need to do a whole thing on anti-canon at some point).

LAYOUT AND GRAPHIC DESIGN

And here's where my hubris caught up with me. What initially was going to be a nice, simple, streamlined layout, ended up being over the top. But it was super fun to make, so no need for me to learn any lessons here.

When designing layout, I tend to start with some cover ideas and mockups. Since BLAME! was such a large thematic inspiration, I also looked at its covers (specifically the Master Edition versions). I love the brutalist inspired graphic design, and wanted to carry that into DGMS, and then add a layer of grunge and wear and tear to it as well.

I played around a lot with masks and textures (there's literally a picture of concrete that I turned into a texture) before eventually landing on the looks you can see on the cover. Then it was also a matter of perusing fonts for text, headers, etc, etc.

For the interior, I made heavy use of Lone Archivist's Graphic Archive asset packs. They rule. Buy them here.

I made my life infinitely more difficult by making every single page different and unique, but it was also a fun art project, so I don't regret that. I didn't spend too much time on typesetting, because this was technically a game jam entry (though I did clean it up later when the game ended up getting printed).

And honestly, that takes us to the end. My process was kind of all over the place for making the final version, a lot of jumping between the text and layout. But it ended up being a very fun project with one of my favorite final results.

If you're interested in picking up the game yourself, you can snag the digital version off my itch page HERE (there's currently a handful of free community copies if you wanna try before you buy) and if you're interested in print copies, Plus One EXP has you covered over HERE.

Spencer of Gila RPGs also made a fantastic 5-minute overview of the game you can watch;

And! Tony hosted a stream that I GMed if you want to see how the game is in action;

But yeah, DEATHGRIND!!MEGASTRUCTURE. It's one of my favorite games I've made!

[keo-k]

sometimes i think i wasnt an injury-prone child and then i realise im gaslighting myself

tw: fair descriptions of injury?? if you dont like blood uhh dont read <3 this is just me reminiscing on being a child who thinks they cannot feel. pain. sorry if its incoherent im very sick and life feels like a fever dream and i did not sleep last night! this is so diary-entry-core TLDR i had a lot of random injuries and a few medical mysteries.

i keep looking at the middle of my chest like "man where the fuck did i get this scar from" and then i remember this one childhood day where i was filled with hubris and slid down a chain in a playground and my skin tore from under my shirt and i started bleeding terribly ill also occasionally look at the permanent callouses on my hands and remember running down a hill at full speed, followed by rolling down a hill at full speed, crashing into rocky concrete, looking down at my hands and being utterly terrified because they're entirely covered in blood???? its all red??????? also spinning on the biggest rock in the rock garden in front of my house after a friend's birthday party blowing bubbles when i lose my footing and land chin-first into the sharpest rock there, getting blood all over my favourite party dress and having to go to the ER for 6 hours and getting, not stitches, but glue. yeowie. i scratched most of the scar off somehow, just tearing the skin off my face because i didnt like the texture. its still kind of there if you look at the right angle. being in gymnastics class, doing beat swings on the high bars, thinking "whey my hands hurt im gonna drop and get some chalk (for some reason. its not like i was slipping i was just yeowch)", dropping down, looking at my hands and LO AND BEHOLD three inches of the skin beneath my ring finger on both hands is sticking up stupid vertical ! i couldnt use my hands too good for the next two weeks, also the skin sticking up WAS NOT DEAD so i couldnt trim it without feeling excruciating pain. like cutting your ear off :( not really a "when i was younger" thing, still valid now, but i have hyper mobility so im stupid flexible. especially in my ankles! like i cant do sports without wearing ankle braces on both legs. even that cannot save me sometimes, i still die. anyway my mum thought i was a piece of shit and was faking my ankle injuries bc the limping would last like. a whole month wowie! then we realised i just have bad joint. also i can hit the splits anywhere without stretching, i can walk on the literal sides of my ankles (not like. the sides of my feet no no no. go even further beyond.), i can fold my fingers backwards into silly lookin curls without any pain and keep them there no issue, and i have gotten many MANY greenstick fractures even after my bones developed a lot because my bones soft and refuse to break like a normal persons. like my basketball coach will bend my leg back to test how far it goes and i wont feel any pain and he'll say like. "oh thats waaaay too far back to be safe." and ill laugh because it can go WAY further back! and i hate it !

BONUS: ME BEING A MEDICAL MYSTERY WOOOOO up to age 8 i would have these ... seizures? all throughout the night. i would shake super aggressively and it wouldnt wake me up. my mum filmed it one night when she finally caught it on video (she would stay up HOURS ON END trying to catch it. wild). the shaking would start like a twitching at my fingers and would travel to my hand, to my arm, to the rest of my body and youd think i got fucking electrocuted. anyway she showed it to doctors and they brought me in immediately to scan my brain for fuck knows what and they didnt. find anything? like my brain activity was completely normal. they didnt let me out of hopital for a week cus theyre like "THIS ISNT NORMAL SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS KID" but. womp womp. we never found out. i dont shake anymore but i do shmove a lot. like, a lot a lot. and im always tired and im capable of falling asleep standing up. and have minor chronic fatigue. also i had a bullseye-type thingy on my thigh that really, REALLY looked like a tick bite! i was in immense amounts of pain and couldnt properly walk. there was a dot in the middle, and this surrounding ring of red would expand and shrink overtime. very reasonable to think of it as a tick bite. anyway my parents carried me out to the car in the middle of the night so we could go to sick kids. they measured how much the ring would expand by (i dont remeber number. it was beeg.) and then they sent me to the ER out of the concern that i would get lyme disease. they tested me or something idk i was unconcious and. IT WASNT A TICK BITE! you may be asking "so what was it, mr gorgeous fish?" um. well heres why this is in the 'medical mystery' section. they never found out. it went away a day later and we were just like "ah. okay." so. whoops. when i was a toddler they put me in an mri thing where they uh. strapped me down because toddlers usually freak out and damage the mri thingy? anyway. was in there for two hours. and i did not freak out. at all. i was asleep for one of the hours, but the second one i just laid there very awake and very still and the doctors thought i had brain. damage. i didnt! yay ! i also have many chronic illness now. weeeee i probably missed a lot of my stories here but anyway. heres me being silly

[maitaitiu]

Occupational Hazard

Cheren Slater receives a gift off a student at the end of the academic year. He isn’t sure how to feel.

My half of a trade with @antihibikase​ !! tysm for trading w me Reese i hope this is ok!!!

Is it moral to lie to a child?

Cheren thinks it’s a terrible question, regardless of the context. There’s only one correct answer in his eyes, and yet he is silent and still as he debates it.

It’s all he can bear to think about; the alternatives are just… awful.

He’s frozen, eyes stuck on the thing that one of his students had given him as a gift for the end of the academic year.

It was harmless. Really.

A cute ornament. The kind of thing anyone would give to their teacher.

An image practically synonymous with the profession, especially for those who taught younger children.

He’s even quite certain he’d have gotten one for his own favourite teachers all those years ago, or at least something similar.

It’s just about the size of his fist,

Which is clenched tightly on the table. Knuckles a stark white. Nails digging so deeply into his palm; if he were remotely present, he’d be surprised it wasn’t cutting the skin.

A blood red, ceramic apple.

A cute caterpie had been sculpted to be poking its face out the side of it.

The words “Thank you Mr Slater” were painted in white on one side, the letters formed by a clumsy child’s hand.

It was a cute gift.

And such a sweet gesture; he never expected gifts from his students, even when they all seemed to think of him as their favourite teacher. So, getting one this year had been nice. Until he’d taken it from the box and seen the thing.

and his mouth felt numb, and bile rose in his throat, and

he’d seen the child’s excited expression begin to morph into confusion. Into dismay. And then he’d woken up.

And he’d said he loved it- he did- and he was surprised to get a present – he was- and that he was sure to display it, pride of place, somewhere, in thanks- he…

He wasn’t so sure about that last part.

The second that the student and the rest of the class had left for the day, some waiting for their parents to pick them up, some walking home alone or with friends or siblings, he’d begun to wonder how easy it would be to smash the thing against the wall.

And that was how he was still, sitting there frozen at his desk.

Hours later.

Unable to look away from the thing in front of him. The thing that sickened him to his very core.

Just in case it might, like, detonate or something.

He hated it.

He loved it.

He couldn’t get rid of it, couldn’t break it or lose it. Kids were nosy. Even though he’d have a different class next year, the previous one would still be attending the school, there’d be siblings, and his colleagues, and they’d ask questions, and he’d try to lie, and lie, and lie. Say he dropped it, say it was stolen, that one of his pokemon knocked it off the table, that he must have misplaced it. But the truth would reveal itself and rip his life apart.

It always did.

It might make that poor kid cry, if they found out that Mr Slater had trashed their kind-hearted present to him.

It also might go completely unnoticed. And he’d only have to live with his own, crushing guilt. But a panicked brain doesn’t ever care for what it considers the best possible scenario.

The longer he stares at it, the worse he feels,

the more the world seems to fade, the more he feels like he’s floating in an icy abyss

He jolts awake again, this time in thanks to Kitty pressing his wet little nose against his hand.

The little kitten has jumped onto his desk and is nuzzling into Cheren’s hand, for the comfort of both of them.

And Cheren breathes out a small huff of air.

The first one he’s taken in a while- that he’s noticed, at least.

It’s almost like

like this is just a dream, and he doesn’t need to breathe, and he’s floating again, the apple, the heart, bright red in front of his eyes, and he has to take it and he can’t do anything else at all

Kitty thunder-shocks him this time.

Well. Not much of a full thunder-shock.

It’s a weak jolt, it’s more akin to pins-and-needles or a bit of static from a door-handle, than anything else, but it’s pain. It’s pain and it’s real, and he’s awake for good this time.

He apologises quietly to Kitty, who simply crosses the desk and curls up on his lap, purring all the while in an attempt to keep him lucid, and keep him calm.

He thought he was growing past all of this.

He was even able to stand in the same space as his friends’ musharnas without freaking out now!

But then, the fact that that was an achievement felt just a little bit pathetic.

Or, maybe a lot.

Definitely a lot.

Who freaks out over an ornament, anyway?

Kitty moves again, standing up on his hind paws now, pressing his forepaws against Cheren’s chest. His tiny claws are out to keep his balance, and when they press through Cheren’s shirt, lightly pressing against his skin- not enough to cut, not enough to hurt- he finds himself able to move again.

He takes his hands from the desk and moves them to be running through Kitty’s fur.

It’s soft. Warm.

Kitty looks up at him adoringly, and he begins to find it easier to breathe.

He’s glad that Kitty is here.

Providing comfort without judgment. Care without pity. Love without condition; without consequence.

Kitty doesn’t need him to be anything other than himself.

His eyes are drawn to the ornament once more, and he still doesn’t like it, but as he calms, he’s more forgiving of its existence.

His students don’t need him to be anything else either.

Don’t need him to be strong, don’t need him to be brave, don’t need him to be a gift or a sacrifice or an experiment or someone he isn’t.

The ornament isn’t a forced offering to keep him just before the threshold of death, to keep him obedient or trapped in the memories of a long dead echo.

He’s not trapped in a coffin, feeling like he’s been left to drift at sea for eternity. His chest only aches with anxiety these days, instead of the feeling of being split in two over and over and over.

The light in the classroom is warm, and the glow of the golden hour warms his perpetually cold skin.

He looks around, taking note of all the displays his students have helped create. Hand-drawn posters on berries, page long “essays” about their favourite things, crayon drawings of pokemon and clumsy cut-and-stick worksheets are pinned about, his own diagrams of rotation and triple battles are graffitied on the windows with (what he hopes) is removable marker.

His students aren’t afraid to ask him as many questions as they need, ask him to repeat things, for advice on things both related and unrelated to school.

He’s proud of them, and he’s actually proud of himself.

Not just for the feat of getting a little less afraid of certain pokemon (because even if it does feel pathetic that it’s such slow going, if he thinks about it even further, Kitty, his other pokemon, his friends… they all seem so genuinely pleased and proud of every step of progress he takes, and support him even when he takes a step or two… or twenty… back.) but for who he’s become.

He's not the same Cheren Slater he was when he set out on his journey, all that time ago; he’ll never be that person again. But he’s a new Cheren Slater, still scared, still a bit of an egotist, but he’s mellowed out, he’s more patient, he finds himself able to sympathise with the fears of small children because he knows all too well what it’s like to be afraid of things other people think are stupid.

Like apples.

He reaches a hand out to the ornament on his desk- Kitty looks up at the sudden halt in petting- and runs his thumb over the messily painted words.

He doesn’t pick it up. And he knows he won’t display it anywhere.

Not yet, anyway.

Maybe he’ll keep it in the box, in the back of a cupboard at home, or in one of his desk’s drawers, as a reminder that even though he’s a teacher, he’s still got lots to learn about the world and about himself.

And in a week or a year or ten, he can look at it again, and he won’t be the same Cheren Slater that he is right now, but at the very least, he will be Cheren Slater, Pokemon Trainer, Gym Leader, Teacher, and nobody but himself.

Because that’s all his students, his pokemon, his friends, need him to be.

And that’s all he wants to be.

[starlostseungmin]

ATE KEISY 😇✌️ i just binged ur works i missed over my hiatus hihi and i want to say that i loved them all !!! i think i only have empyrean prince cascades left cause its a bit long, so i decided to save it for my bedtime story today or tomorrow

but ate. lie to me.... it was so good 😭😭😭 YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I MUCH I PHYSICALLY REACTED READING IT???? jaw dropped. its such an interesting read, like i dont think ive been this excited over a story structure in so long AND I LITERALLY HAD WRITING CLASSES FOR TWO SEMESTERS LIKE I WAS SO INVESTED IN READING IT

i dont think ive ever read a fic structured like that before? i mean ive encountered similar stuff but not in fics ... overall im just hyped at it ur so big brain ily and i love your works and i love your writing and its so huhuhuhu i cant stop thinking about it !!!! my other reactions on the story are in my reblog tags but still i think i'll keep that fic in my mind a lot (kinda wanna do smth like it too... ur so my inspiration coded)

OMG!! hi cielle! i'm currently reading your other feedbacks and i'm so happy you love my works. there are only a few since i haven't been so consistent with my writing after graduation hsksksk tbh i'm entertained (hard on that kauyabon core because me too TT) i'll reply to the rest in a bit.

i hope you enjoy empyrean prince cascades tho! it's one of my favorite fics and it took me weeks to write it! i know it's pretty short for a 10k-worth of words to write in weeks, i was so busy when i wrote it and i had to squeeze in during my work days HAHAHA and please take your time reading the story. it's kinda long tho 🥹

AAAH yes lie to me.. i wrote that fic for like a day or two days before the deadline for the collab? i forgot, i was also occupied that time. kdramas influenced me on writing that too and there was a song that was assigned to me to be able to make a story out of it! yung story sana eh masaya na sila sa piling ng iba chuchu but then i realized, cheating will make sense so i had to write it with that. i just finished my thesis that time too so maybe nadala ko yung pagsusulat ng thesis namin sa fic na yan? believe me i don't really have experience to these romance and cheating stuff, i just wrote what i see in other people talaga HAHAHAHA and lie to me felt like a rushed fic that time?? i didn't know it would turn out to be good for the readers since i wasn't confident with the result but thank you for your warm feedback cielle! and lucky you for having writing classes tho, i envy you!

thank you so much for appreciating me and my work even though sometimes my brain is not working properly. i just write whatever the hell my brain tells me and i hope i have a big brain to cater everything that i want to write! maybe soon, more future works to come HEHEHE i have an upcoming seungmin and chan fic this month sooo i just hope it will turn out good.

you flatter me cielle! i can't thank you enough 😭🩷

[plenary-indulgence]

picked up my yuyuhase alt again recently, my friends wanted to do eden and i also took him to the all lalafell nier raids on siren last week to get him a proper nier glam (which every lalafell needs imo) so i guess it’s about time to put him through endwalker lol

my wol!yuyuhase timeline thus far:

pre-ARR is just his canon backstory. grew up a beggar on the streets of ul’dah (and an orphan too i think) and bootstrapped himself into a successful porter business until he got fucked over and lost everything then flew down the aetheryte guard -> brass blades -> immortal flames -> lolorito’s inside guy pipeline ARR echo/blessing nonsense starts up in earnest and most everyone with half a brain is like “oh don’t mind crazy ol’ yuyuhase” but being the enterprising and clever little bastard he is he’s like “ohhhhh there’s got to be a way for me to make some gil off of this” and basically takes up a fortune telling side hustle on the down low 1) because you can’t just go shouting from the rooftops that you’re suddenly psychic you’ll get thrown in jail or worse 2) the key to any successful business is building a core base of wealthy and reliable clients, not any riffraff off the street with 20 gil who just wants to be told all their dreams will come true 3) the immortal flames do not appreciate their recruits moonlighting and this is technically his side-side-gig after his original side-gig of “whatever lolorito tells him to do on the sly”

so he’s pretty discreet about it but is managing to make a pretty sizable little nest egg once knowledge of what he can actually do starts spreading through the upper class but the streets of ul’dah do not keep secrets well and so eventually rumors about a “queer lalafell who can really see the future tell you your fortune for a fee” get back to thancred and he susses yuyuhase out and is like “hey hey hey let’s have a quick chat about all this then” and determines it’s the echo and tells him about the scions and minfilia and says he should come to the waking sands to which yuyuhase basically tells him to go fuck himself. he’s got a good thing going here, he’s got plenty of his own irons in the fire, plates spinning, so on and so forth, why should he care about petty naive do-gooder nonsense like saving the realm? bunch of spoiled sharlayan bookworms can sod right off as far as he’s concerned.

and thancred is like ughhh ok this guy sucks but i can’t just go fuck myself on this one i gotta just get him in a room with minfilia somehow. so he uses his connections and pulls some strings, goes to the higher ups in the flames and says “hey so im doing this investigation in drybone and i need a bodyguard, i want you to assign me this guy as an escort” and they’re like “haha ok good luck have fun” and at first yuyuhase is like “ah fuck not this prick again” but ultimately he’s getting paid now and he’s on assignment so what does he really care. might as well just get it over with. which he does, and things proceed, and ifrit is slain and suddenly he’s a big damn hero and then a lightbulb goes off because like, of course it all makes perfect sense now. he’s special all of a sudden, and he’s in very high demand, and things that are in high demand can fetch exorbitant prices. so he does go back to the waking sands with thancred and let’s minfilia give him the whole spiel and listens very politely and when she’s done he hands her an invoice and is like “that’s for ifrit, my fees are non-negotiable, if you want me to save eorzea or whatever, you can pay for me to do it.” and now the rest of the scions too are like “oh yea this guy sucks” but minfilia sees a little glimmer, a little something there and she’s like “alright :)”

and tataru of course hates him. the rest of ARR proceeds basically as usual but every time he pray returns to the waking sands with another invoice she sits him down and tries to renegotiate his fees and every time he shuts her down like “nice try kid haha payment terms are net 30 as usual i’ll see you around” his relationship to the rest of the scions varies:

- he and yshtola don’t interact much, they obviously have nothing in common and are polite coworkers at best. they will probably never be close and that’s fine with both of them - thancred and yuyuhase got off on sort of the wrong foot and had a very mutual “hey this guy sucks” attitude at first but they sort of grow on each other. there’s a mutual respect for two guys who game from the same shitty background and “get out”. they aren’t besties or anything but they get each other - yuyuhase is not impressed by urianger at all. not by the stupid way he talks (which he thinks is affected deliberately to make him sound smarter) or by his shady “do wrong for the right reasons schtick” like man you just like to lie. own it. you aren’t fooling anyone. - he thinks minfilia is like insanely naive but she’s also young and clearly a good kid who means well (sucks for her) and from the MEAN STREETS OF UL’DAH like him so he does feel a little bit of solidarity. the whole “organization to save eorzea from itself” stings a little less coming from someone like her. - he doesn’t mind yda actually. she’s a lot of fun. - ok before we talk about papalymo let me just preface this by saying IT WAS JUST A JOKE, i was DOING A BIT and then i was like wait hang on this is actually ticking a lot of boxes for me. and now it doesn’t matter how stupid it is because it’s real to me HEAR ME OUT

- so similar but so different!! 2 blonde 40+ lalafell with attitudes but from two totally different walks of life. a scruffy street rat from ul’dah and a pampered sharlayan scholar... - i can make him better vs i can make him worse. papalymo is a steady, guiding presence that will literally scold yuyuhase into being a better person and yuyuhase is juuuust unhinged enough to keep papalymo interested and drag him out of his comfort zone - i think papalymo would actually be quite charmed by yuyuhase’s dry wit and pragmatism. conversely, yuyuhase would have a lot of fun riling up papalymo to get a reaction.

- sam and diane dynamic basically

so as ARR goes on they get closer and closer and there’s push and pull will they or won’t they so on and so forth and it’s a THING but it’s also NOT a thing because they’re both so stubborn and refuse to admit they’re actually into “that smug bastard/that arrogant scold”

sidenote: probably about halfway through ARR, just before titan he goes to lolorito and puts in his resignation as shady errand guy because being the champion of eorzea is now basically a full time job and he’s making soo much gil and really doesn’t need to be doing lackey work anymore. and of course lolorito is not happy about it because yuyuhase was actually only getting more and more useful to him but what could be done about it? what indeed...

post-ARR so life is pretty good by now he’s rolling in gil, he’s the champion of eorzea, savior of the realm (titles he’s not super duper sold on but it’s great from a marketing perspective so whatever) and alphinaud comes in with his crystal braves idea. now, yuyuhase HATES alphinaud, and i feel like he’s pretty justified in that. like, from his perspective he’s someone who grew up in the worst conditions, has seen the poverty and experienced the misery firsthand - you can say what you want about him being a bad person but you can’t deny yuyuhase is someone who is very familar with reality - and here’s this literal child from overseas, who has never been hungry or cold or known any danger in his life - spoiled and arrogant and he’s comes in here basically saying “i’m going to fix all your problems it’s going to be so easy i know better than you helpless eorzeans” and it’s not really all that different a tune then the one the empire sings and it’s just so patronizing and infuriating because even though 90% of his brain at this point is dedicated to the accumulation of wealth and power there’s still 10% that has dignity. so that’s where there’s a little more canon divergence; he really goes off on alphinaud and refuses to join the braves and washes his hands of the whole endeavor. which frees him up to be the perfect scapegoat with the rest of the scions to take the fall for the “assassination” of nanamo, and that works out so nicely for lororito because like, if his former goon wasn’t working for him anymore he doesn’t want him working for anyone, and this gets him out of the picture. adds a nice bit of color to the scheme i think.

HW: anyway still stupid rich and powerful but now a fugitive on suspicion of high treason and murdering the sultana (as we know he’s not necessarily opposed to a little bit of treason as a treat but he’s real sore about this because he’s taking the fall for something he didn’t even DO) and off to ishgard, where it is very cold, with two of his least favorite people in the entire world by his side.

this is a low point for wol!yuyuhase because he’s cold all the time and hates snow and does not give a fuck about ishgard or the dragonsong war and oh also, papalymo - probably the only person who he’s managed to build a genuine connection with - is missing presumed dead. it’s bad, he’s miserable, probably more than a little depressed and for the first time is really starting to question who/what he actually is and what he’s even doing. but now there’s a bunch of wealthy ishgardian’s willing to supplement the income he lost when the scions exploded so he stays on his grind; ends the war, unseats the theocracy, bills time and a half, trips alphinaud into snowbanks whenever he can and then pulls the most innocent and angelic “who, me?” face which is always a small light in the otherwise dark winter of his journey. this is also the time when, at a low point, he is finally defeated by tataru, who is really starting to come into her own and is like “ok listen i’m not your client i’m your AGENT and actually you need to be giving me a cut on every job :)” and that settles that matter.

post-HW: finally reunited with papalymo, and their time apart has made them both realize there are GENUINE and UNRESOLVED feelings between them that NEED TO BE ADDRESSED except you know papalymo then like immediately fucking throws himself at a primal and dies lmao.

STB: these are the bad times. i think up until this point yuyuhase was starting to grow and improve as a person but papalymo’s death sends him spiraling right back to square one and, if anything, only hardens his belief that the only thing that matters in this life is wealth and power and looking out for yourself. this is the second time he’s allowed himself to hope otherwise and the second time that he’s (in his mind) been punished for it. well, not again no way! fool him once, shame on you, fool him twice shame on HIM. a harsh lesson twice learned 40 years in the making. all that being said, lyse is basically his last connection to papalymo and his last wish had sort of been that she walk her path. and there’s plenty of profit in revolution for someone who’s shrewd enough to take advantage. i think yuyuhase is a person who has basically always had hardship at his back and as a survival method simply refuses to engage with his actual feelings and instead pushes forward. because what else can you do? it’s something i don’t think someone who hasn’t experienced it can understand but when you’re TRULY hungry you don’t sit there and wallow in your hunger, you do whatever you have to to ensure that you never go hungry again. that is to say, he’s in a lot of pain but instead of letting himself heal he just cuts a huge swathe of destruction across the continent and liberates two nations and makes an assload of gil. at this point he’s probably actually in the top 1% wealthiest people in eorzea, but he’s still not happy, and he’s still hungry, and that hole in him still hasn’t been filled up so that must mean he just hasn’t gotten wealthy enough yet. he hasn’t gotten powerful enough yet. more gil, more strength - he just needs to get a bit more and then all the bad will finally go away.

the actual plot stuff in stormblood is all secondary to his internal struggles; like ishgard he doesn’t actually give a fuck about ala mhigo or doma but that’s the path lyse is walking and the one he’s following her down getting paid all the way. zenos beating his ass is noteworthy - it reinforces that yuyuhase is still not top dog, there’s still someone who has power over him. there’s no thrill in it for him, he just wants zenos down.

post-STB: more politics he doesn’t care about. he’s kind of getting to the end of his tether here. maybe a fresh perspective, or a change in scenery will help?

SHB: but not like that!! ohh he was soo pissed off when g’raha dragged him to the first. didn’t want any part of it. but really at this point he’s so worn down eventually he just starts marking up his invoices (billed to the exarch and the crystarium of course) 200% for out-of-area service and goes with it. they start pumping him full of light and it’s just like “well this is definitely corrupt but in general yuyuhase is already a corrupt person so how much worse can it even get it’s probably fine” he’s really kind of enchanted by eulmore and vauthry (much to the horror of the rest of the scions) but to him that seems like a logical conclusion to everything. who wouldn’t want to live out their days in luxury - no struggles, no grindset, just everything you could ever want, always? towards the end, he really considers just giving up and retiring there to die but dulia-chai of all people sits him down and sets him straight like, “well yes of course it’s a lovely sort-of-life. we never want for anything material. always safe, always warm, always fed. but there’s really nothing there. it’s just as empty as it is full my dear. and there are so many people who want better than that for you.” and she had no way of knowing about papalymo but that’s who he thought of and it sort of started to snap him out of this 2 xpac long downward spiral. ryne absolutely adores him even though he’s kind of like that weird uncle who is probably harmless but still a bad influence so your parents don’t want you hanging out with him. she’s convinced he’s actually a good person deep down and it’s possible she’s not wrong? but you’d have to go like, real deep. emet-selch also finds him kind of fascinating, this selfish little bastard and at one point asks him “how much would it cost me to to have you fuck off and leave us to it (rejoinings) and yuyuhase’s response was pretty much “don’t worry about it you couldn’t afford it” the implication of course being that he does in fact have a price and can be bought for even the worst of intentions but it’s also possible the number in his head is so absurdly high that that amount of material wealth may not even exist. hmmm!! definitely don’t need to read any more into that or what that means!! post-SHB: here is where he’s currently at. he’s been very clear that he’s going to start billing the scions again for all this work getting their souls back to the source and NO tataru does NOT get her cut this time this was ALL HIM. i’m going to be soooo annoying with gpose once i get him to aitiascope lmaooo

[imraespace]

LIFE'S HARD WHEN YOU'RE INLOVE ─

─ WITH RIN ITOSHI !!

━ 9:29 AM

After your cake giving, homeroom had ended, and now it's first period, Art.

Art is an okay subject for you, you actually enjoy it.

Though, today's class is a bit different than the others.

Today, the teacher gave a project. Group project! Your mood visually fell when you heard those words.

After the wave of annoyed groans, the teacher explained everything to the class. It was a duo project where both partners have to come together and create a poster based of one thing they like. It has to include calligraphy, as it's the current main topic in class.

A duo.. but there's three of you, Meguru, Yoichi and yourself.

As if on cue, you three share a look then back at the teacher. The teacher already made the pairs, which caused a gloom cloud over the class.

Though, as if the teacher loves your friends, they got in pairs, both Meguru and Yoichi. Though, is she on your side as well? The name Rin Itoshi shocked you to the core.

You're sharing a project with him..

Your eyes made their way to him, on the outside it looked like he wasn't one bit fazed but how does he feel on the inside?

The class got in their pairs and that's how you, Y/N L/N, sat next to Rin Itoshi for a whole period.

━ 12:39 PM

Rin left the class, without giving you any info, on where and when to meet up. He didn't really look pleased about the project either way.

At the end of the class, the groups got together and already started planning, which left you and Rin behind. Normally, you always do your schoolwork late but in past school projects, you do the work first and then leave the rest for the others. But right now you can't do anything if your partner isn't here.

But thank goodness, you know where your partner always disappears to. So with that thought, you made your way to the field.

This time around, normally the whole team is present at the field but it seems that this lunch is different. Some stuck around but there he is, practicing alone.

You stood by the benches for a while, staring at his figure, you didn't feel the need to break him out of his zone.

Your mind then wandered, thinking about the project. What's his favorite thing? Will it work out with yours? Everyone knows you love sweets, what will he choose?

Nevermind, too deep into your thoughts, you fail to notice that he had made his way towards you a while ago. His shoes are now in your field of vision and slowly, you looked up and was greeted with his face.

You didn't say a word, just stood up. He stared at you for a bit, wondering why you were here. Then it hit him and he sighed.

"If you're here because of the project, we can do it later." HE simply stated.

You nodded at his words, but there's little information given in there.

"But.. we can at least plan a time and where to meet up.." You mumbled as he was collecting his water.

He sat himself on the bench, drinking his water while taking in your words.

"We can meet up after school and you can choose a place to go."

You sat back on the bench, nowhere close to him though. You thought about his words. Where to meet up?

The pros and cons of this are back at your place, you have everything you need, thanks to Reo but what if he also has them at his place? The cons are that you have your roommates and he has his snack-stealing brother..

"I don't mind if we go to my place.." You muttered. He stole a glance at you and then muttered a small okay. Then it was quiet again.

He was the first to break it, standing back up to resume his practice.

"I will see you at hometime then." He ended, walking back onto the field.

"Okay.." You said, yet he wasn't there to hear you.

You had yet to leave, still on the bench and your eyes followed his every move. He noticed it, wondering why you were still here but he threw it in the back of his mind, focusing on the ball.

Slowly, the idea of spending time with Rin is hitting your brain. You can't even sit next to him yet you're gonna spend time with him alone? Wow..

You sighed, standing up, and decided to head to the library for some help on this project. Without you knowing, his eyes followed you, wondering what you were gonna do in the library.

Then he stopped himself and sighed. He's supposed to be practicing right now, not wanting your eyes on him for some reason.

━ 4:00 PM

The final bell rang, signaling that school was over.

"Did you get to speak to your partner?" Meguru asked, poking your back.

Yoichi turned to see what your response would be. However, before you could, said partner had made his way toward your table.

"Let's go and get it over with." He simply stated, ignoring your friends beside you.

Wow, so demanding.. It's making you blush a bit. You nodded at his words, scrambling to collect your books to pack them away in your bag. After a while, you stood up, looking at the boy before you. He nodded and began walking, with you trailing behind.

You left your friends alone, staring at each other with a confused look.

"Wasn't he a bit.. bold.." Yoichi muttered.

Meguru nodded.

"And the way she acted.. If it was me she would've.."

Yoichi just patted his back.

"It's okay, let's just go."

.

.

.

Rin walked in front, while you were in the back. It's not that you wanted to be left behind, well you don't mind it because it's a great view you get but it's simply because he's literally 6 feet tall.

The more you stared at him, the more you realized that you barely knew anything about the boy, you literally don't even know his age.

Maybe this project can change all of that. It lasts for five days anyways.

Slowly, you sped up a bit to catch up a bit, but it was no use..

Sighing, you accepted the fact that compared to him you're short and decided to stay in the back for the long walk home.

.

.

.

Outside the school building, he stopped in his tracks and turned to face you, which caught you off guard.

"I don't know the place to your home." He muttered.

Oh yeah.. Wait, walk home..

You scanned the area and saw your roommates, waiting by the school gate for you.

Rin noticed the shift in your emotions and turned his head in the direction you were looking in.

"Hold on for a minute.." You mumbled, running away from the boy.

Your roommate, Reo, eyes landed on your figure which he thought that you were here for them, and began walking away with Seishiro mindlessly walking behind him.

"WAIT! Dang.." You called out, making the boys stop in their tracks.

"What?" Reo asked, turning around to face you.

You let out the breath you were holding in and began talking.

"I have an Art project to complete-"

"Same." Seishiro stated.

"..Okay and it's a group project-"

"Oh, we have one as well, we're partners," Reo said.

You rolled your eyes at the idea of them interrupting you and the fact that not only Yoichi and Meguru got each other but your roommates have each other. What next, Hyoma has Kunigami? You don't even know Kunigami but y'know..

Anyways, you gave them a look to zip it and they obeyed.

"I'm gonna walk home with my partner, so you guys are alone today." You ended.

They stared at each other for a bit then nodded and left. You sighed, turning around to collect Rin but saw that he was already making his way towards you.

"I'm ready now." You said. He acknowledged your words and you led the way to your home, leaving the fact that those boys were your roommates and told him absolutely nothing.

━ 4:20 PM

The walk wasn't that long and it wasn't uncomfortable either. You snacked on some chocolate you had in your bag on the way there but finally, you arrived.

You both made your way up to the apartment room, Rin's eyes staring at the decoration around the building. No surprise, the apartment you there live in is indeed big in size, you live with Reo Mikage.

Though, in Rin's mind, he wonders what your parents do for a living. He has something mixed up.

Finally, you made it to the door and were about to open it until you heard noises inside, which you silently slapped yourself for not warning Rin.

"I literally forgot about them.." You mumbled.

"Who? You're parents?"

"Parents?" You thought out loud, turning to face Rin.

Now he was confused.

"Huh?" He asked.

Before you could turn the door knob, Reo did for you, guess you both weren't very soft in volume..

"You're here- HE'S YOUR PARTNER?" Reo asked out loudly.

You motioned for him to quiet down, placing your finger to your lips and making a "shh" noise.

"Doesn't Sei stop at the arcade I thought you both wouldn't be home right now." You muttered.

"Well, we have our own project, remember?" He said, opening the door wider.

You turned to face Rin, motioning for him to enter first, and slowly he did. I guess he wasn't expecting them..

You entered your home and realized that they already took the living room..

"DON'T YOU BOTH HAVE YOUR ROOMS TO CHOOSE?" You asked out loudly this time.

"It's closer to the kitchen," Seishiro mumbled, playing whatever game was connected to the TV screen. At least there are books on the coffee table but they aren't really taking this project planning well huh.

You sighed, realizing that you have to take your CRUSH to your room.

Reo shrugged his shoulder at you then made his way back onto the couch.

You rolled your eyes, making your way towards your room with loud thuds, with Rin following quietly behind.

.

.

You made it to your door, mentally checking to remember if your room is messy or not. You sighed, slowly opening the door, and were greeted with your room, thankfully it wasn't as messy as you thought it would be. Just a semi-unmade bed and a few textbooks that rests on your desk where your laptop rest on, thats all.

You walked in as he followed and you closed the door. He sat on your bed, taking a look around your bedroom, admiring whatever posters and decorations you had up.

You weren't expecting to be locked up in your room with him, which is why your confidence went down a bit and you might explode but let's play it cool!

You pulled the chair from your desk up closer to the boy, got a spare book and pen and started off the session.

You stared at your floor, clicking the top of the pen as you thought of what questions you can ask him.

"Um.. well to be honest, before we could talk about our favorite things, we barely even know each other.." You softly pointed out.

He hummed at your words, staring at the blank page on your lap.

"Okay I guess, ask me anything then." He said.

Your face burned up at the given access he gave you. You can ask him anything..

"Okay.. let's start off simple, how old are you?" You asked.

He blinked at your words.

"You don't know how old I am?"

Okay, now you're embarrassed.

"Am I supposed to?"

He scratched his head at your question, gazing away from your eyes.

"Well yeah.. I already know yours.. you're 17 right?" He answered.

Now you're scratching your head and gazing away.

"Yeah I am.." You muttered.

He turned to look back at you and answered your previous question.

"I'm 16."

"YOU'RE WHAT?"

"Is that wrong?"

"NO.. no it's not.. I just thought you would've been older than me or at least my age.." You softly said.

He shrugged at your reaction.

"Whatever I guess, do you want me to ask you a question?" He asked and you nodded.

He began to wonder.

"What's your hobby?"

"Hobby?"

He nodded. You never really had one, before this random change in your emotions to do something, you didn't really do anything.

And Rin found that off based on your reaction he got.

"..So you don't have one?" He asked.

You stared at the ground, realizing how boring you were.

"Uhm.. I guess, baking..?" You thought out loud.

"You guess?" He asked.

You nodded.

"I mean, growing up that's what I always learned to do.." You explained.

"Not to judge, but I always thought you just slept." He confessed.

"Oh, I do!" You exclaimed.

And he raised his eyebrow at your words.

"So your hobby isn't baking?"

"I don't know, I haven't really thought of a hobby."

"You need to think of a hobby..?"

Okay, now you're just embarrassing yourself. Your view of a normal life is quite different from others. The more you learn you guess..

"Okay um, what's something you love? That we can use for the project." You said.

Rin realized that you want to drop the past topic and he did just that, thankfully.

"Horror."

"Hor-what..?" You blankly asked.

"Horror." He said, seriously this time.

You stared at him for a while, then wrote it down.

"Okay.." You mumbled.

"What about you?" He asked, completely not noticing the problem that he caused.

"Oh um.. Sweets."

"Sweets?"

"Sweets." You said, seriously this time!

You both had a mini staring contest at this time.

You both realized how different you were at that point.

You broke the mini staring contest, looking down at your book. You then decided to keep the fact that you hate horror to yourself, just for the sake of this project.

You thought of ways on how to actually start the project and blurted them out.

"Okay horror.. we can watch your favorite horror movie for inspiration." You muttered.

At least on Rin's side, he completely agreed to that.

"What about you? What's your favorite sweet or candy..?" He softly asked.

You blinked at his words, your favorite dessert, it's one you haven't eaten in a really long time, one your mother always made for you.

"My favorite dessert.. is Bavarian Cream, but I don't wanna make it." You mumbled.

"Oh.. Okay, then choose another one."

"Okay, um.." You muttered, there's a lot to choose.

The boy sighed then suggested something fun.

"Tomorrow, we can visit candy shops or look around for desserts."

"We can!" You exclaimed, writing it down.

Unconsciously, Rin had a small smile on his face after seeing your reaction, then stopped himself when he caught on.

## LIFE'S HARD WHEN YOU'RE INLOVE. --

╴“ WITH RIN ITOSHI?? „

ฅ^._.^ฅ : some things about y/n !! she mostly sleeps through the day, only does stuff IF needed !! with her given gift of being effortlessly smart , all she does in her free time is : nap , eat , sleep. hmm what if.. one day y/n develops a crush and now has to ACTUALLY work to achieve a goal ? : date rin itoshi !!

15 // 17

note: when i first found out im the same age as rin i was shocked BC IDK HE DOESNT SEEM LIKE A 16 YO BC hes so seeerious yk ALSO IM 7 MONTHS OLDER THAN HIM? anyways omg hehe new arc

TAGLIST:@deezy12299 @kuroronana @khoiyyu @swagkittybear @shidousprincess @starbarfbunni @jealovsie @imtiredmf @hainge (OPEN)

! if you didn't get tag, that means your acc didn't show up :(

-`♥︎´- for this story, i'm trying something new, which includes words/phrases, foods and hometowns from japan and germany. if there's any errors please point it out !

-`♥︎´- word count : 2.5K

[vidstudiosworld]

Following Robin Sharma's 5am Club - Here's What Happened

The 5am Club believes that a morning routine that enables the body and mind to perform in their best form is a multiplier of impact. However, it's not for everyone. The first pocket is training. A vigorous sweat session releases BDNF, which grows neural connections and increases brain power. It also improves confidence in self and mood. 1. I was able to sleep better. The book recommends that you follow the 20/20/20 daily routine that is a set of twenty-minute increments that prepare you to perform at your best throughout the day. It includes 20 minutes of exercise to decrease cortisol levels, and increase BDNF (which increases neural connections, increasing the ability to focus), and 20 minutes of writing or planning. This system will give you the drive and motivation to face any challenge accomplish any goal and lead a happy life. It definitely has transformed my life! However, if you'ren't getting enough sleep, this plan can be detrimental. Sleeping well is crucial for health and productivity, so I've noticed that I'm taking more of it. I've noticed improvements in my brain's performance, energy levels, and also my ability to think critically. The real change has occurred in my sleeping. That's the reason I wanted tell you! 2. I was much more productive. The 5 AM Club suggests a collection of techniques that can help you achieve your goals, including dedicating the initial 90 minutes of your day to a project or task you're most passionate about. The concept is that this "Victory Hour" can have a ripple impact on the rest of your day as well as your daily life. One of the tenets of the daily routine is to ban electronic devices before breakfast such as your phone and computer. It's difficult to convince people to do this, but it is an excellent method to increase the efficiency of the time you spend in your day. You can adhere to a routine by putting a plan in place and knowing your goals. Set your alarm to the same time each day during the week. That means laying out exercise clothes, putting together an area to meditate, or making smoothies in the evening prior to. By staying consistent you'll begin to see the benefits of your new routine more quickly.

3. I felt more energetic. Instead of the standard approach to productivity that many self-help books take, Sharma encourages readers to make their own daily routine which is tailored to their individual objectives and requirements. His core concept is that people should get up early to spend the early hours of their day engaged in a variety of activities like writing, exercising, or planning as well as taking classes. This method lets people increase their chances of success by harnessing their mental, physical, and emotional power throughout the day. This concept has proven to be successful for billionaires, elite athletes, and the other top-performing individuals who Sharma has worked over the years. On this episode of MarieTV, I interview Robin Sharma, a world-renowned authority on leadership and best-selling writer who has collaborated with billionaires, super musicians, athletes as well as royalty. The best-selling book of his year, The 5 AM Club teaches people how to become more productive and to achieve personal growth by getting up early. 4. I felt more content. Sharma who is among the leading leadership experts in the world, teaches his clients to develop daily routines that enhance their productivity as well as improve their health. He claims they're also bulletproofing their serenity in a world filled with overwhelming complexity. The 5am Club is a non-fiction book that follows a narrative form. The story is about an artist who is struggling, and a businessman who is mentored by the Spellbinder who introduces them to the ritual of waking up that Sharma has been using for decades. The fundamental aspect of the practice is to spend an hour practicing self-mastery before sunrise and while most people are still sleeping, leaving no distractions. Sharma recommends 20 minutes of intense workout, 20 minutes of contemplation through journaling and meditation, and another 20 minutes for growth through reading and studying. The guidelines are adaptable and can be adjusted to your personal needs. Sharma believes that just an hour of time can have a significant effect on the rest your days and change your life. Video embed from YouTube

[chargetheintruder]

The second biggest threat in 2024.

Short version: lots of Americans in general and lots of Democrats in particular are feeling poorer than we were, thanks to lapsed and betrayed benefits. Meaning: yes, having the corrupt and back-biting Supreme Court push people off of a cliff with regards to student loan relief didn't help, but it runs deeper than this.

It's that AND the engineered expiring of Trump's "tax breaks" for the middle class during Biden's term, and also this:

Meaning people feel like they're losing money hand over fist, regardless of how well people might be doing in the workplace.

And yes, it's the Second Biggest issue since it isn't about a) putting Trump behind bars and disqualifying him from further political office (remember the 14th Amendment) and also stuffing the Supreme Court until it gets back on the damned team again, OR b) doing whatever it takes to keep World War III, As Usual, from breaking out in the Middle East over Israeli business (and yes, it's complicated and a mess, but the short of it is (i) Israel has no business even remotely looking or sounding fascist at any given time, while (ii) Hamas and Palestinians really could learn how to be a civil society and NOT just constantly attack and kill people like the REST OF the Middle Fucking East).

What I'm saying is: I can wrap my tired brain around the Second Biggest Issue. I can imagine our doing something about it. Trump's not going to go to or stay in prison until or unless we stuff the Supreme Court and also throw the entire book at him, 14th Amendment and all. And we've all, as human beings, completely blown the last three good chances we had at peace between Israel and anyone else? Yeah.

So, here's the deal with the Second Biggest Issue. Congress in general and the Traitor Party in the House in particular just needs to get rolled the fuck over. It's that simple: everyone needs to be grabbed roughly as fuck by their shortest short hairs and brought back ON the team already, if only because the rest of the world is so fucked up that WE have to be a rational neighbor if not role model for them.

And in the medium-term this means finding ways (without engineering a new pandemic, mind you) to force the issues on a) Student Loan Debt Relief, wherever possible, since it was promised until Harlan Crow's sleeper muppets on that "Supreme Court" decided to be fucking traitors, and b) rreforming and funding the hell out of expanding Social Security until people on it are no longer in abject poverty. Yes, two high-risk and high-profile goals at once, I get it.

But to be candid, I can't think of much else that would give President Joe Is Still Biden some honest-to-God, "sit down and SHUT UP" Points to use against whatever Trump Muppet he faces in 2024. And as for having those points already, versus Congress? There's already plenty of blackmail material that can be coughed up against ANY Congressman, it's just a question of how willing you have to be to go IN on everyone as roughly as possible.

And there's the issue: is there the will and manpower to actually put a gun to everybody's head in Congress until actual good work and budgeting gets done? I doubt it. But to be candid? We had two solid years of control of the Congress and they STILL didn't deliver the goods. They still didn't act aggressively in the best interests of this Union and her people. Nope, not even post-January 6th.

What I'm saying is: it's not just corruption. It's not just the unfettered psychosis of the Reich Wingers in the House.

It's that the people who say they represent the actual majority of this nation literally refuse to act like it time and again even when they can. At this point I'm assuming your average Democratic Congressman has some form of Stockholm Syndrome and literally will not act in the best interest of the American People who voted for them, nope, not until or unless they can "get brownie points" by sucking Traitor Party off somehow. It's appalling and ridiculous.

It is. It's appalling and ridiculous that I have to cyberbully and threaten folks and demand a coup'd'etat, of all things, just to get anything to work properly? Yeah. But here we are now, and the Media's looking for excuses, any excuses, to betray the President and to let the Head Traitor out of the cage before he's even in it.

[astranauticus]

thinking about rwd/ak crossover ideas again because arknights is just the cosmic microwave background radiation of my brain 👍 but like ak has a very specific character design style that i just cannot.. replicate at my skill level so these ideas are just gonna stay at shitpost level only

anyway draco/more realistically vouivre dani because dragon dani fuck yeah, probably a core caster with a similar skillset gimmick to ceobe where each skill does wildly different things bc they represent different weapons she has (one of them is the spitfire and she just turns into a sniper lmao)

i want to say sarkaz vhas like just setting aside the... everything the vibes work out. anyway vhas skill monkeys a bit too much to fit nicely into an ak class but maybe lord guard with some team buffs? i mean he'll be very busted but vhas is just Like That

finbar as vouivre/oni guardian defender, basically saria+hoshiguma now that one works out. maybe throw in a shift skill for the pixies

kyana... i almost want to say anasa but we don't really have enough lore on them to say for sure (idk i haven't read jieyun's file) or race: unknown could also work. anyway kyana duellist guard with maybe like a range extend talent for suvi's 10-foot reach. it works!

VR-LA is. complicated cuz ak does actually have robots but not that kinda robots. anyway my gut reaction was mechanites = sankta and the more i think about it the more it kinda works out?? but specifically for angst value?? like amnesiac VR-LA still feeling that connection to the old crew because of the empathy link, maxim being a fallen sankta or more realistically somehow learning to close off his empathy link after his whatever (insert dumb animal joke here), DX-TR being a fallen when they fight him in 3.10 but specifically only falling after the raid because back then he hadn't planned on hurting his crew but that changing after tu'narath (maybe even deliberately hurting the old crew so he would fall just to make sure that the rest of them can't tell what he's thinking) .. like there's definitely something here. anyway chain caster VR-LA with bing as a summon like pozëmka's typewriter. now that's another easy one

[nnmarudkar]

The Transition

How your adulthood looks is the impression of how you spent your childhood. The dreams and desires that dominate your mind are an outcome of what you had and did not have as a child. There is nothing wrong to have an adulthood full of wishes and larger than life dreams but should you sustain that and survive in the living age of yours?

I believe your dreams are a result of one of the three circumstantial childhoods.

You have everything and want to keep it growing.

You had minimal but want to end it bigger.

You had none.

The second category which most of us belong to popularly known as middle class in the socio economic sector is the most volatile category. It is dangerous if you call it or as safe as you may consider it. You have a lot to lose and a lot to achieve. Every move is calculated and ambiguous. But some of us want to take a leap and break away from these calculations. We want to run away from the entangled stereotypes of these societies which demand a certain milestone of your lifecycle at every age. This conventional way of living holds you by a very fine thread of dignity and self respect. Could you protect this and make that fine thread invisible to the outside world? Yes, however that ship sailed a long time ago for some of us. Education, qualification, designation and marital status at the right age sailed with it too. Now what’s left out of you is mere embarrassment and anxiety.

The transition could have been smoother if you took a step back and understood the core of each event that took place in your childhood. That red line on your report card, the first comparison between you and the rest or a fall on the road would tell you more about you than 30/30 visits in a month to your tuition class. But you chose pattern over exception. The pattern to comply. Today when you stand on a verge of extraordinariness they expect synonymous behaviour from you. Now when you want to take a step back and deny that unaltered societal patterns they call you stubborn and foolish. Imagine how it would be if they considered you as headstrong or determined. But you gave them a pattern of obviousness. If you took a day off only to understand that red line on the report card it would be a different way of looking at your life today. If you questioned a 'why' when they compared you it would be an ideal way of living today. But you decided to overthink. How immensely the energy was invested into dealing with failure, contrast to understanding it. Hence today you require to shut your brain instead of refueling it with encouragement and optimism.

My advice to all, do not go with the flow. A flow at times also takes you to a sewerage. What would you prefer? A sea, river or drain? Prefer a sea, not even a river because big is better. Mindful transitions are favourable. Rich gets richer and poor gets poorer only because one goes with the flow. Let a stone obstruct that flow and make it a mandatory task to take a step back, think and then take a new direction. Riches go bankrupt too.

You cannot go back even a day and undo your patterns. Now what will follow is criticism over each action. And every action will have an equal reaction. Train your mind to welcome every judgement and ears to let those opinions glide through the other ear. Every blister will heal if you apply a practical, emotional and therapeutic transition instead of guilt. That guilt of every mistake will take away your peace of mind and sanity to comprehend.

Call your new path an aisle. Style up your heart and appear attractive each time. Next time you make a decision make sure it's your verdict over your mistakes but not before taking a step back. Unhear the elder’s expectations and listen to the young’s ambitions. People expect when you give them that pattern. Somebody’s ambitions make you think and revise. Envision that escapes between other’s expectations and your desires.

Realize that there is life in between expectations and struggle. Some battles are silent that do not exist to the world. Your fight is not with time and people anymore. It is with the younger you and present you. The win and the loss is all yours. Choose the right one. Remember the battle does not exist to others. Your loss does not exist either to the world. That broken smile is a story nobody knows.

Let us see how good authors are we all.

[jyoon3]

Day 3

Fell asleep before I could finish this post…



I failed again...

I told myself I wouldn't cry today but every time I'm in my car or by myself, the tears just start falling. Am I going to keep feeling like this...to keep crying every day? I have no energy and I have no desire to move forward or to keep going. I've been on autopilot, just running through the motions. 

Today, I woke up and I couldn't get myself to fall back asleep. I kept tossing and turning before finally deciding to just get up out of bed. I'm not sure what made me get up and begin to work out but that was my first instinct. To just start my day with a workout. My body is still hurting from training at Quantum on Monday but I decided to go through with it anyway. It wasn't much and it was just body weight and core work.

As I was driving to work, I was left with my thoughts and feelings. Drove to work on autopilot, not really registering what turns I was making and where. I made it to work by 7 am. I entered the building, wiping my face and trying to gather myself. Ms. Airey saw me...she said I appeared distraught. She knows how I am feeling and what I've been going through. I made sure someone knew, to keep me accountable. (She also has the task of making sure I finish a book a month this year.)  I rushed back to my classroom to make sure I could get myself together and to plan a lesson for today since Crump is out. Since she's out with COVID for the rest of the week, I'm on my own. For all six classes-- 3 of hers and 3 of mine for each day plus whatever classes I have to cover during my planning period. Today, I have Mr. Ruby's 6th grade ELA class to cover. I am not looking forward to it. 

It's the first period as I am writing this and all I can think about is him. I want to text him and see how he's doing. If he's been sleeping...are you at least eating....are you still working out? Are you still watching football and basketball? Have you sunken yourself into your games?  I've lost 7 lbs in the last two days...eating has been a struggle. I've lost my appetite and all desire to consume food. Will there be a day that I get back to living life normally? Where I don't think of you or wonder what you're doing or how you're progressing? Where in life will you be? I'm reminded of my final goodbye to you...the feeling I had, where I would never see you again. The way my heart broke into pieces as I got into my car and drove away. To see you standing on your doorstep made me want to just turn back around. 

I look at the keychain he gave to me...every chance I get. I may make it into a necklace. 

Second period wasn't so bad today. The kids were talkative and obnoxious as usual. I made Ty'Quan cry from calling him out during our brain break: Silent Ball. He got angry and he said some things to me that were garbled under his breath but it made the kids all riled up. I told him to step outside and he began to cry. I didn't feel bad at all....does that make me mean? I guess next time I can be more kind about it instead of putting him on the spot. Overall, the sixth graders weren't so bad--I gave them a bunch of notes and they were scrambling to write them all down. It was nice and quiet because they were frantically writing. Once second period ended, it was lunch...and I was alone in my room again.

Why is it that every time I am alone, I am thinking of him? I cried again. I silently wept in my room until I finally got myself together and was able to move across the room to heat up my lunch. I didn't eat. My food just got cold as I sat there...I had no desire to eat. No desire to do anything. I finally forced myself to get up and go get my kids from lunch at 12:00...a few minutes early. 

Third period was chaotic as expected from all of the crazies I have in there. Damon was great with assisting the new student get acclimated to the classroom. It took the whole class to make Savion, Jy'Aire, Uriah, and Kaden to focus. It was until the very end that they stayed in their seats. It wasn't until I realized that Ms. Matthews gave the kids fries...after I said no. She stated explicitly to the kids "I'll bribe you with fries...." I said no....and yet she gave it to them anyway. Beyond annoyed with the kids but also her. I'm over it. I was also frustrated with the fact that I had to rush to clean my room and she just sat there like I didn't have somewhere to be.  I anticipate this week and the next few weeks ahead to be rough.

—

After covering Ruby’s class, I rushed to go to practice. It was a long day. Tim threw in some new plays the other day and I just had the hardest time concentrating and keeping up with the kids as they were running through them.

BASKETBALL GAMES

Today, our kids played against New Town HS. Before the game, I stopped and said hi to Eric after not seeing him for so long. As I was watching him during warm ups, I began to cry…he was dunking with ease and looked like he improved so much since I last saw him. Words could not describe how proud I was of him and all I wanted to do was text him to tell him “Gucci can dunk!” (Gucci was what he called him.)

Watching Eric play against MSJ was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

During Halftime, I talked with Maria—she came out to take pictures of the kids. I told her some of what happened and surprisingly I didn’t cry. Maybe it was because we were in public and I was surrounded by people I know.

MSJ ended up blowing out New Town 95-30 something. It was a quiet game for me. I didn’t say much.

But after getting into my car, it hit me hard. I cried as I drove home.

I miss him.

[cleverbarefoot-man-blog]

the day after yesterday

hey, I have been trough some fucking episodes yesterday jeez. I had signed myself up for a program to get back into school, meeting with this woman was something, she first came across as a honest working mother who I thought was very friendly, I went open in the conversation altho my brain was all over the place. we walked about 30-45 minutes and we got to know the basic bits of each others life's. she comes from a small farm village and her husband calls her farmgirl or something she has 2 kids of 15 and 16 so on. so we got to connect pretty well. we talked about doing somethings for the program to measure progress which I thought was a great idea. so after all the talk i asked her if I could use the facility since this was the reason I was here to workout and do something with my body and spirit to get more in touch with myself as you will. I started my training by doing 20 minutes of running on the treadmill and the rest of the training involved legs and core exercises. what eventually Andrea did got me a bit concerned about her attitude towards me, I was doing squads, she walks up to me and said "isn't that a bit to heavy for you" which I responded to: nah its only 20kg with bar, why do you ask, did you see me doing the exercise wrongly or do you have any knowledge of what you are talking about, I have a long history of working out and know almost exactly what I am doing. there was also a instructor there which I indirectly praised a little bit, I directed my attention towards him the moment I said: that it was not her right place to address me on matters she knows nothing about (even if its just out of concern, these people are exactly what is wrong with the world, speak before you know what comes out of your mouth or what it can do with other people) if the instructor would tell me that I was doing something wrong or could do something better I would take his advice since he has proven he is a good instructor, given he was just teaching a class the basics of fitness. that was that, I got decently pissed on this woman but was able to keep my marbles together and continued my training. what this situation tells me is that I am giving to much fucks about the people around me, not in the way where I give fucks about what they think of me, more in a way where I give a fuck about every persons development and how we treat each other and especially how you decide (conscious or not) to treat me. so given I want to give a tiny bit less fucks about the worlds personal development and how every individual treats me.