#I am perpetually terrified of people doing things for me and then using that to be angry with me later

[eddiescouch]

I say thank you like I'm trying to ward off bad spirits calling me ungrateful.

[a-dinosaur-a-day]

New Fear

I have been on tumblr a long time. A looooong time. Far longer than I should have been, really.

And I've been arguing with schmucks about birds being dinosaurs... pretty much that whole time. Folks tend to get angry when a dinosaur blog posts birds, after all. It happens.

And while the game of whack a mole is ancient, it's not unpredictable. Usually, it ends in one of two ways:

the person admits they were wrong, and they back down

the person stops arguing with me and blocks me

I'm okay with either one, really. the former is ideal, the latter at least brings me peace.

Never before this past weekend has someone insisted they were right no matter what I say

And this isn't a coincidence.

Over the past few decades, anti-science sentiment has risen worldwide. I mean you just have to look at the COVID19 pandemic, or general reactions to the problems of climate change.

While of course people who think their opinion matters more than evidence have always existed, they have never been quite this bold before.

The idea that the colloquial definition of dinosaur matters, at all, is a completely new idea and one that has no basis in reality.

And yet, multiple people this past weekend argued exactly that.

And it sounds exceptionally similar to the idea that people could pick and choose things about COVID19 to believe, or the general republican position on science (only things that back up their bigotry are true).

It really seems to reflect a general increase in anti science sentiment and public anti-intellectualism.

Reality isn't actually up for debate. Reality isn't actually subjective. And science is the measure of reality

This isn't the same as the biases of society impacting science and making it worse. Saying "what people think is more important than science" is not the same as saying "science forgot a very important variable / factor / to consider data gained by different cultures / to have a wide variety of perspectives/ etc."

And allowing people to continue to perpetuate and believe in delusions leads directly to the spread of misinformation, leading to more people not understanding reality, and so on

This matters because reality matters. Because the reality of our world is not something we can change or escape. And, in fact, us ignoring the reality of the world - like thinking we can have infinite growth on a finite planet - is directly leading to the destruction of that world (climate change).

I am terrified of the rise of anti-science sentiment. I am terrified of the rise of cherry picking, deciding reality is what you want it to be, ignoring evidence. We see this from purely scientific topics all the way to social justice (how much of racism is ignoring the evidence of a) race being a social construct and b) how much racism impacts people's lives? Almost all of it).

This is bigger than birds being dinosaurs or evolution or climate change. This is about our society going on a deeply disturbing and self-destructive path.

And I really don't know what to do about it.

[valtsv]

This isn't a gotcha, so please don't take it as such, but would yuou be willing to explain what it is about VAL that makes her such a favourite of yours? I can't stand her myself, she comes across to me as a bully given god-like power that she abuses for her own amusement, and I've seen you acknowledge as much, but we draw completely different conclusions from that. I just want to understand your perspective.

i've been anticipating a question like this for a while now, so i'm more than happy to answer for you!

you're right, VAL is in some ways a "bully given godlike power" as you put it, and there's no avoiding that (nor do i want to). and yeah, i do like her in part because of that, because i have a fondness for horrible fictional characters and in particular "bad victim" archetypes, of which VAL certainly is one. but i think what makes her compelling to me, rather than repulsive, is that she is fundamentally a cautionary tale and a tragedy. in-universe, she's the scapegoat. the example. the "make the right choices or this could be you". she's inescapably, heartbreakingly human in her awfulness, and that makes her terrifying, but it also makes her deeply sad (at least to me).

i also strongly believe in rehabilitative/restorative justice, so for me, wanting better for VAL is about my real-world principles to a degree. i can't and won't argue that VAL doesn't function as an uncomfortable allusion to a lot of atrocious crimes against humanity (by humanity) within the narative, and that anyone who finds her upsetting or even hateful for these reasons is absolutely justified in doing so. however, she's still a fantasy entity at the end of the day. she's not a 1:1 stand-in for real-world abuses any more than, say, a vampire or werewolf, which plenty of people are more than happy to explore the nuances of. and there's also the question of what punitive measures would even achieve in her case, beyond personal satisfaction for the one administering or spectating them (which is not to say that wanting to punch VAL makes you as bad as she is, just that her arc is, among other things, about how cycles of abuse and violence perpetuate). the worst that could possibly happen to her has already happened. she's been tortured. she's been taken advantage of for her mistaken belief that working for and with the system has the opportunity to benefit her, and died for it. there's nothing to be "learned" from her punishment that hasn't already been shown to us. that she hasn't already internalised. if she were ever to develop a stable conscience, that would be punishment enough in my opinion.

despite being a victim of people not entirely unlike VAL, i personally am not her victim, so treating her with sympathy and kindness whilst acknowledging the elephant in the room that is her many (fictional) war crimes is not something that requires any cognitive dissonance on my behalf. i would cautiously argue that the narrative agrees with me somewhat in this regard - the few times VAL is treated to a genuine act of kindness with no ulterior motives, it shatters her composure and outward conviction that what she's doing is necessary for her personal satisfaction, and even prompts her to reconsider on occasion (sparing the woodsman comes to mind). i'm not saying anyone needs to hug her and tell her she's valid, but if all it takes is some genuine good intent to get her to engage in introspection, i'm willing to be the person to offer it.

[casanovawrites]

random sentence prompts  ━ from various tv shows, part 3

if you’ve got something good, that just means someone wants to take it, right?

i am not gonna watch that happen again.

i like rules. they bring order to the chaos.

you’re my favorite person in the world, but you’re acting weird.

i don’t want to be anyone’s hero. i just want to be safe and boring and happy.

we did so many bad things. it’s all burnt in my brain.

i know that i am flawed, but i am trying to be better.

if you think i’m a killer, prove it.

i’m, like, perpetually single.

no one in the world had more reasons not to believe in me, but you still did.

everyone expects me to have it all together, but i just don’t.

i don’t care what other people think about me. your opinion is the only one that mattered.

if you’re always a disappointment, then it’s impossible to disappoint.

i got so wrapped up in my own dreams and feelings. i took what we had for granted.

what we are to each other is so much more complicated than any stupid wife or husband or girlfriend. 

it’s too much for me, you needing me.

i want us to go back. back before the mistakes, the lies. back to when we were unstoppable. 

i guess all the time i feel like i’m kind of trapped because i can’t describe how i’m feeling.

you deserve better than me.

everyone keeps saying the only thing that will make this better is time and maybe space.

i didn’t want you to leave last night. 

got to clear the skies for some blue skies, right?

i just don’t want to get hurt again.

everything’s still unresolved, you know?

nobody deserves romance more than you. 

i don't know when i'm going to get over this. but i want to be beside you when that day comes.

is it cold in here, or is it just me?

i’ll get blamed if something bad happens to you.

i’ve got one rule for you. dance with me.

why is this so hard?

can we keep having dramatic yet memorable dates?

if you tell me right now that you’ll never forgive me until the end of time, i’ll leave you alone.

i’m not the problem. you are.

you two are weird in all the same ways. 

forget other people’s definitions. be who you want to be.

if i love you now, imagine how much i’ll love the person you become?

i just don’t see it adding up to happiness for any of us.

i kind of felt like you were running away from me.

i’m not a stranger. i’m just strange. 

every time i do something to be happy, someone gets hurt. 

all year, i’ve tried to do the right thing, but what do i get in return?

you strike me as a queen without her crown.

we’ll always find our way back to each other. 

what’s the point of fighting so hard to stay alive if we’re just going to die alone?

you know there’s a chance. that’s what you can’t square. that’s what hurts.

things went bad for you, things went bad for me.

it’s not that i’m like you. it’s that i love you.

i’m losing my fucking mind, and i’m terrified. 

you knocked me off balance in a good way.

he knew what to do. he always did. and he was a fucking asshole about it.

you should get the hell away from me. i’m poison. i ruin people.

you sound like a bad romantic comedy.

i think we can make long distance work.

you’re not a victim. you’re a killer.

i know kids lie to their parents about stuff,  but you don’t do that. it’s not you. 

you can come back from this. i know you can. you have to. 

people die, they become a threat.

you’re either the cat or the mouse.

when you go down, i hope i’m there to see it.

we’ve always needed each other. that’s what our entire relationship’s been about.

i’m not evil. i just did an evil thing, one i deeply regret.

[he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle]

Get to Know Me Tag

Tagged by the feisty @lurkingshan, thanks Shan!

Do you make your bed?

Kinda. After my divorce, I bought lovely new bedding and happily made my bed every morning for like a year. Then I got lazy. I sorta half-ass it, where I fluff my pillows and pull up sheets and straighten the blankets and bed spread, but it's not photo-worthy or anything.

What’s your favorite number?

3. I like triads and trinities. In fact, I named my first dog Trinity. And I had three children!

What is your job?

I’m an author. I have 4 non-fiction books published under my given name and 15 fiction books published under a pseudonym. Many of my books were best sellers. Despite this fact, it is not enough to pay the bills. So I supplement my income with speaking engagements, teaching classes, and running a handful of websites, one of which is a wholesale distribution platform for artisanal imported foods. Basically, I'm self-employed and keep myself busy doing anything that interests me.

If you could go back to school, would you?

No. While I love learning and don't mind taking the occasional class to be introduced to a cool skill (like making stained glass!), I absolutely refuse to do any more higher education than I already have. I was sorta super nerdy at school because of an eidetic memory, so I collected degrees in Biblical Studies, Philosophy, Greek, Linguistics, and Russian Literature before I finally realized I didn't want to be a perpetual student.

Can you parallel park?

Nope. I learned how to do it to get my Driver's License over 30 years ago and have literally never had to use the skill since.

A job you had that would surprise people?

Hmmm. My job-jobs were all pre-children so people are surprised when they find out I ever had any since my last one was decades ago. But I didn't just have a few, I had a LOT of jobs because I finished school early and had to pay for my entire university education myself because of poor parents, and I think that's the most surprising thing. I was a waitress (14-16), a shop clerk (16-18), an acquisitions librarian's assistant (18-19), a bank teller (20), a digital librarian for a major software development company (20-21), a language tutor (18-21), an adjunct professor (22-24), a houseparent in a boy's home (24), and a cog in the county tax assessor's office (24-26). I also volunteered as a translator for Doctor's Without Borders and as a suicide prevention counselor for LGBTQ youth. At 26, I had my first child and became self-employed.

Do you think aliens are real?

Possibly, but I struggle to believe humans have ever interacted with any.

Can you drive a manual car?

Yes!

What’s your guilty pleasure?

Cop shows. I agree ACAB, but I love love LOVE the testosterone-fueled fantasy world of shows like Hawaii Five 0.

Tattoos?

None. I didn't want any at first because all the tattoos I'd seen on old people didn't age well thanks to saggy skin, wrinkles, etc. Now I kinda wish I'd had at least one.

Favorite color?

Dark azure.

Favorite type of music?

I LOVE IT ALL. If you live long enough, you discover awesome music in every genre. Like, I thought I hated heavy metal, but then I discovered the album Pale Communion by Opeth a decade ago and loved literally every single song!

Do you like puzzles?

Yes, but I don't make the time to do them.

Any phobias?

Heights. Absolutely terrifying.

Favorite childhood sport?

Cross country! I ran on my varsity team in HS and continued it through college.

Do you talk to yourself?

No. I am so quiet. On the weeks I don't have custody of my kids, I have sometimes had weeks where I work exclusively from home and don't interact with another human person beyond text messages and emails. When I finally speak out loud for the first time in days, the sound of my voice is jarring and unfamiliar.

What movies do you adore?

About Time. The Royal Tenenbaums. Shawshank Redemption.

Coffee or tea?

Coffee! I used to be more of a snob about it, but I recently fell in love with Korean instant coffees and THEY ARE SO GOOD. HOLY SHIZNITS.

First thing you wanted to be growing up?

A teacher in a foreign country.

I haven't been keeping track of who tagged who, so I'd like to tag @absolutebl @juneviews @twig-tea @sorry-bonebag @stefanyd @waitmyturtles @disaster-j @cooloddball @spicyvampire and @norahastuff If you'd like to play and I didn't tag you, please do!! Be sure to tag me so I can read your post.

[raayllum]

Now, TDP doesn’t do this often, but occasionally they will overload character dynamic(s) with like, enough overt symbolism / association in order to centralize a third character’s arc. Think Janai with Amaya and Karim in S4. Karim represents Janai’s uncertainty, pointing out some of the inner thoughts she’d rather ignore and her people’s rising ‘concerns’ shown through dialogue. We also see this more discreetly with scenes like Janai taking off her crown as soon as Karim is in frame, and she spells this out for us in 4x09: “But I am uncertain, I am afraid. That’s why I thought maybe you and I... we could leave. Go live peacefully in Katolis. At least Karim would lead the people with some kind of certainty.” 

Karim represents one path she can choose, the arguably easier, safer path she could choose. And Amaya doesn’t quite represent the other one as clear cut (S4 requires some of her own steadfastness to fade in order for her to grow, too) she is the main proponent as she signs, “Forget Karim. This is not about him. What life do you want?” and expresses that Janai doesn’t have to choose between a life with her and a life as queen: “Just have two cakes.” 

With that in mind, let’s talk about 

Aaravos and Rayla as Callum’s Two Paths in S4 Beyond (+ Bonus Claudia in S2)

Season 4 takes literally every chance it has to emphasize Aaravos and Rayla’s thematic opposition of each other in Callum’s life, as well as the according parallels that come with it (down to having two separate scenes in which people think he’s going to talk or is talking about Rayla, and he’s actually discussing Aaravos). Callum is “the best thing [she] ever had.” He’s Aaravos’ “favourite,” a human mage tainted by darkness like all the others he’s dried up over the years. Rayla herself is the one to primarily identify this usage. Her own description of Callum in the past has also mirrored this one (minus the magic). 

Z: Aaravos could offer them access to the great mysteries of the universe. [...] Yes, mages were his prey.

She is also the one whose arrival turns Callum away from the mirror - away from the darkness - and toward the light. I don’t think I have to explain the symbolism too much on that one, especially not with Rayla’s letter also in mind: “Making hard choices and going to dark places is an act of love. It’s a gift. So please, let me give you this gift, Callum. Stay safe, and stay in the light” as well as Callum’s reflections from the S2 novelization in 2x08: “What sort of primal could glow in this dark place?”

However, if Rayla is the Light to Aaravos’ darkness (ignoring the cube on her shoulder for a second), what does that tangibly mean? Well luckily, 4x07 also spells this out for us pretty directly in tandem with 4x04. Rayla is the first to react to Callum’s possession, gasping; she’s the one who reaches out to Callum when he goes on his knees, backing down when his eyes are black in shock; she’s also the one who catches him once the possession fades. “Already tainted by darkness,” Aaravos claims, gloating over his control both literally in the present and in the future, “and destined to play right into my hands.” Aaravos is confident he’s going to win the game he’s playing. 

Callum reiterates this in 4x05 to Ezran and in 4x07 to Rayla.

C: You know, when he took control of me and used my whole body like a puppet? [...] When Aaravos possessed me at the Storm Spire, I felt so weak and out of control. I was his puppet. I’m not afraid that he’ll hurt me. 

(Perpetually screaming about the way it cuts back to Rayla solely when there’s the “Or hurt people I care about” line, but moving on.) 

So Aaravos represents Control and a pre-chosen Destiny. These things are terrifying to Callum, who has always prioritized and chased after strengthening his capacity to choose - and to choose how he contributes. Luckily, Rayla likewise spells this out and reminds Callum of it as well. If Rayla is his light, she represents his Agency. 

Not without her faltering (leaving in TTM and leaving him behind in other occasions) but agency and choice is largely what she’s always encouraged for Callum, down to agreeing to get his cube in 1x04 and being the first one to see his potential as a mage in the first place, which Callum acknowledges. 

This is why it’s so important that she rejects his request first hand in 4x07. Callum is so scared he’s trying to remove agency from his own hands by putting it (and his life and death) into hers, but that’s just going to exacerbate the problem. Rayla keeps on reminding him that his agency is in his own hands and how strongly he used to believe that: “Callum, you’re the ‘destiny is a book you write yourself’ guy.” And Callum to his credit tries to follow through on her advice by dropping the Key of Aaravos into the lava; he’s just currently unable to go through with it / to let go of it. 

And I also think it’s entirely intentional that Rayla is the one he’s asking to do this for. Not only in the layers it gives their interpersonal dynamic and understanding of each other, but specifically in the way it’s deliberate for future plot lines, set up, and payoff: if the crew wanted to, they could’ve had Ezran go with Rayla in 4x05, leaving Callum and Soren alone. Callum could’ve asked Soren, a crownguard sworn to protect Ezran and who has done so even when it means killing his family, to kill him instead, but Callum didn’t. The crew didn’t. They chose to orchestrate it like this. 

And, not to mention, they’ve done similar things with Rayla and Callum like this before, all the way back in S2. 

Claudia and Dark Magic

Now, S2 and S4 are very similar in the emotional arcs they give the bulk of the cast, especially Claudia and Callum in particular. Hardly anyone’s emotional arcs (outside of Callum’s sky arcanum) are resolved in S2, merely they are built upon and then driven further to provide a broadening and resolution (for now) in S3. I expect S5 to follow a similar pattern of resolving quite a few things, even if it will leave others disastrously open ended (especially if Aaravos gets out by the end of S5). 

But I’m getting off topic. Claudia in S2 very much represents one path Callum could take: he could choose to go home and sacrifice the mission, which he cites as being “the hardest thing we’ve ever done” as well as “the most important thing we’ll ever do”. He’s just learnt that primal magic without a primal stone is a nigh impossible path for him, and so Claudia offers her friend an alternative, encouraging his path as a mage in the worst way.

Callum returns to the dark magic book, literally and metaphorically, in 2x07. Seeing an old sketch of Claudia with her tome is what sparks the idea that dark magic is how he can help save Rayla in 2x07 (“I want to go down there with you and be the heroes who stop all the fighting, but I can’t do that! I can’t do anything”) in the wake of feeling helpless/useless. Then he uses her book outright to complete the spell. What he wasn’t willing to do for himself or his own ends, he’s willing to do to protect a loved one.

While, just like in 4x02, Rayla literally turns Callum away from his former path / friend / love interest. This is her mirroring Callum’s own choice of choosing her over Claudia - both in who to ultimately trust when it came down to the wire, but even as a future romantic partner. Not only in the scene on Phoe-Phoe in 2x03

but also literally within the pages of his sketchbook and future spellbook that, as stated, lead to the decision of him doing dark magic in the first place. Rayla, despite being a representation by and large of Callum’s path as a primal mage, is the hinge that causes him to chase it down on her behalf anyway and in spite of the fact he knows she would hate it.

By the end of S2, specifically 2x08 The Book of Destiny, it seems pretty clear that Callum’s has firmly shut down a more active pursuit of dark magic, with his infamous, “No, I get to choose who I want to be! Destiny is a book you write yourself!” and his subsequent connection to the Sky arcanum. Although 2x08 does give hints that Callum’s journey with dark magic and pre-written destinies is perhaps not entirely laid to rest, as it features these shots, I might add:

Paths Converging

Okay, so Callum was given choices represented by Claudia and Rayla in S2, refusing the temptation and possibility of being a dark mage, and thereby subsequently choosing Rayla. Now he’s being given two paths - one in light and one in shadow - in S4.

But without the same merits of temptation (at least for now) which is probably why Aaravos outright possessed him to begin with; Callum may need a different manipulation playbook than Aaravos’ other pawns. Okay, great? What does this all mean, though? Or least, what could it possibly mean?

Remember how I said Aaravos and Rayla are put in thematic opposition to one another for Callum in S4? Yeah - here’s where the symbolism gets a bit muddled, because Rayla shows up with the cube of Aaravos on her shoulder, glowing and pointing downward. In the first 3 seasons, the Key was more often shown with the Star primal at various angles, not necessarily right side up (the primal symbol itself) or upside down (Aaravos’ symbol). But that changes at certain key moments, specifically once the Key is aligned with Aaravos, and how all the runes are shown to be upside down in the dark magic dream. 

If Rayla showing up is truly meant to just be agency, then why have the cube - the same cube featured in Callum’s 4x04 intro, directly linking it to Aaravos’ control of Callum in some capacity - on her shoulder at all? And even if you’re like “well, they wanted to make sure you’d notice Stella making it glow,” the cuddlemonkey could’ve picked it up and not gone directly to Rayla’s shoulder, disassembling the shot. Or they could’ve, y’know, had Rayla with the cube on her shoulder right side - agency side - up. But they didn’t. 

This goes back to the Light and Dark dichotomy with both being represented by Aaravos. Dark isn’t always clear cut bad (just look at Claudia’s hair) and light isn’t always clear cut good (the cube flashing a bright light as Callum’s transformation into a literal pawn is completed). A chessboard has both black and white squares. Rayla’s explicit return, as said by Soren, is “kind of good and kind of bad.” Which brings us back to this exchange from the S1 novelization, as always, in which Callum and Rayla discuss moonberries and deathberries:

“So they look identical,” Callum said. “But they might kill you or they might save you.” “Exactly.” Rayla smiled. “Just like me.” 

Again, most of this points to Rayla saving Callum, and given that a large part of her clearly doubts her capacity to save anyone, anymore (“We can’t save everyone, Soren”) in ways that weren’t present in her youth, Rayla saving Callum from Aaravos’ brainwashing - Callum choosing her as his path, literally, over Aaravos, after all this foreshadowing, makes the most straight forward sense. Callum gets to choose and pick his own destiny (her) and Rayla gets to be restored as someone heroic who can save the people she loves (him, and possibly later on her parents). 

Which would be a perfectly happy ending - if we weren’t still on season five of seven. And if season four didn’t have a massive theme of resolving dichotomies, and reconciling dualities. 

Aaravos’ control extending past the ‘resolution’ of the brainwashing plotline would also make sense. There’s more dramatics / more at stake emotionally if Callum is in his right mind and plays into Aaravos’ clutches anyway. Even the awareness of his possible fate from the start, even escaping the brainwashing, wouldn’t be enough to escape his Destiny. It also emphasizes Rayla’s loss. She did everything she could to possibly protect him, including leaving and hurting for two years, and then she shows up right in time to watch herself be helpless to protect him all over again. How’s that for tragic?

Which is to say: I don’t think, ultimately for the next arc of the story, that choosing Rayla or Aaravos is mutually exclusive. I think whether it’ll be what leads Callum to Aaravos’ possession, or what follows after it, Rayla will be what causes Callum to fall (at least temporarily) into his clutches or carrying out his plans. Kill you or save you. Light and dark. Callum refused dark magic until he felt like he was backed into a corner in S2, and going to lose her. Callum is also likely going to almost kill her and his friends. If Rayla is surviving that, and saving him, why wouldn’t he also be saving her?

Two cakes, where you save and free the person you love more than anyone alongside the person you hate and fear the most, and what’s worse, is that you both simultaneously gave him the tools he needed to do exactly this all along. 

[viriborne]

Hey I saw you do a character ask thing, and I was wondering if you would do lucifer

I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS EVEN THO I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY!!!!!

Okay, just to start off with, quick warning to Lucifer fans...I am VERY UNFORGIVING when it comes to my opinion and interpretation of him. He's too real of a character to me for me to like him. I appreciate his complexity... but I hate him lol.

If you've ever been in a family with generational trauma, you likely know someone like Lucifer. Someone who, while recognizing the abuse they've endured, still perpetuates it over and over again. Someone who controls his brothers just like how his Father did. And this is why he's mom-codedBEFORE PEOPLE GET ON ME FOR THIS, just listen. While we can't determine what Father's motivation is for keeping angels on short leashes, I feel as if we can infer that it's meant to "keep them in line," by force, if needed. We can see this mirrored in Lucifer's treatment of his brothers. Yes, the brothers are Very unruly but, as we can see with Mc's influence, they react MUCH better to when treated with kindness than humiliation and corporal punishment, something that mirrors real life. While Lucifer isn't as Bad as Father is when doling out punishments, it still yields the same effects of the brothers being terrified of the one in charge, something they reiterate over and over again. And Lucifer acknowledges this! He KNOWS his brothers are terrified of him but feels that it's "for the greater good" as he's scared of being thrown out of their home once again.

Okay, now let's get into Lucifer's treatment of Mc (is about to be nailed to a cross by Luci fans)

Sorry, I gotta mention Lucifer beating Mc until they passed out as "punishment" during the early lessons for the heinous crime of...protecting Beel and Luke. Like uhh wtf was that lol?? How am I supposed to like him after this? Even Belphegor had a better motive literally Killing us than he did for beating Mc unconcious lol. Not to mention the god forsaken pact scene where, despite attempting to be forced into a pact by Solomon multiple times, forces Mc into a pact (and a fade-to-black sex scene) and undermines their consent. Yippee!!! Overall, he's really just written to be the stereotypical Christian Grey archetype when it comes to Mc. I'd say he's like Beast from Beauty and the Beast but at least the beast grew as a person instead of being a man baby who can't express his emotions for the rest of his life. Instead, I feel as if he's the husband from The Taming of the Shrew. Okay that might be a bit harsh, even for him, but it still feels like an accurate comparison in some aspects lol.

Onto fandom interpretations: I've already gone at length as to why "daddy dom" Lucifer is inaccurate and makes me wanna deglove my entire body so I won't go into it. There is an issue where I feel like he's reduced only to a sexual object by many fans and that's Weird and Not Good and often aids in how he's so bastardized in writing and interpretation of his actions. It really feels like his bad parts Really get glossed over or completely excused even by fans who Recognize his flaws and I really feel like that's a damn shame. He's a shitty bastard with tons of baggage and u gotta accept that or else you're liking a completely different character.

Anyways take this meme I quickly made while writing this.

[c0rpseductor]

i complained briefly about this on twitter (“briefly,” he says. Actually i complained about it for quite some time and with vigor) but i hate that godawful website because i am a verbose autist and a tweet is only about a sentence or two long. for me. so i will try to pursue a thought about it here from beginning to end, outside of the constraints of twitter’s character limit (which is targeting me personally)

i have tried on and off for hours to get my mind off this, but i was really upset and disappointed to find out that richard siken not only did write wincest himself but seems to approve of approaching incest from the angle of sexual fantasy in general — these tweets about it are really sticking in my craw, and apparently they are from an interview he did in 2015, but the whole thing just came up again and it’s not my favorite take!

the question about consequences — and “question” is generous, i know he’s already years ago come to the conclusion that whatever consequences exist as a result of such narratives do not matter — gets me bc it’s like, dude, i KNOW what the consequences are. from experience. i have lived with them all my life.

the cycle is as such: writers portray incest as mutual sexual deviance as opposed to the reality of it being violence. literature portrays it as such, pop culture portrays it as such, fanfiction portrays it as such, it is widely discussed as such — as an example, try really thinking about how often perceived promiscuity is blamed on “daddy issues,” and what that may imply. many people never have any personal experience with incest or with survivors and come to regard it as a distant sort of kink activity, or an imaginary, almost fun and racy sort of violence that happens to a distinct class of subhuman other totally segregated from human society. survivors are blamed because the dominant cultural narrative believes they are willing participants and not victims of rape, survivors internalize shame and do not come forward. survivors often come forward to partners who find their childhood trauma (incestuous abuse is most often CSA) arousing. the online support group i frequent has a recurring problem of lurkers who use DMs to sexually harass psychologically vulnerable victims of abuse while they are in crisis. society does not take us seriously because the violence we face is seen not as violence, but as a category of pornography.

furthermore, trying to say this makes me the bad guy. to frankly and clearly state the harm perpetuated against me and others by these cultural narratives & their continuation in every aspect of life is regarded as puritanical and Orwellian. nevermind that the proliferation of such ideas & narratives and my exposure to them left me terrified that my closest friends would think i was a pervert for disclosing sexual abuse from my parents, nevermind that I spent years being told by my abusers and society at large that i’d brought it on myself, nevermind that i’m continually surrounded by that rhetoric every day and continue to have salt rubbed in the already unbelievably painful wounds — some people are criticized for publishing wincest fic in ao3, and this is the truest sort of victim; surely someone who was merely raped by his father for years could not understand the pain and martyrdom of being called an asshole online. THIS is the real concern. upholding the secret and mystique around intrafamilial sexual violence for the sake of shippers’ enjoyment of a middling CW show from 2004 is how we will fix society, no matter how many incest survivors’ dignity we must sacrifice to make it happen

anyway. i think this guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but trying to convince anyone that this stuff is even tangentially related to the experiences of real human beings who may see it and be hurt is a good deal like trying to tell people unicorns are real, in that they will laugh in your face.

[blaiddfailcam]

OH HELL YA I was tagged by @lovthievs for this particular tag game thingamajig! This one looks fun lol

When did you last cry? I feel like I always want to, but it takes a lot to actually get the tears jorkin. Def when I lost my health insurance and had a panic attack that offset my anxiety for like 6 months after tho lol

Do you have kids? In THIS economy? No and I don't really have any desire to, but I don't mind hanging out with my friends' kids and making sure they're up to speed on good music and movies lmao. I am soon to be an uncle which slightly terrifies me but it is exciting nonetheless!!

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Absolutely not, sarcasm is the mark of the devil

What sports do you play? Cornhole

What's the first thing you notice about people? The Vibes. And I do that weird thing where I try to match them so I can attempt to better communicate but the mask slips and I reveal I'm a fukon weirdo

What's your eye color? "Hazel," but I still don't know if that's true. They just look like, green to me.

Scary movies or happy endings? Scary movies, but I also love to hate them lol

Special talents? I'm weirdly good at memorizing geography and navigating. I like overanalyzing art (particularly movies and video games) to the point I tend to crack open The Lore in ways that sometimes makes headlines, which is either cool or way too dorky depending who you ask..

Where were you born? Same place that I'm still trying to get out of 🥲 There are Amish,

What are your hobbies? Video james, drawing/painting, worldbuilding, pretending to be a screenwriter, discussing fiction with others like we're trapped in a monastery together and we only have a day to converse before the next year of silence, primatology, setting up fundraisers for animal conservation, going to concerts

Do you have pets? Our cat Evie, her son Grayby, our fox hound Passion (we didn't name her), and our jack russell, Pebbles!! Evie's the eldest but most spry, Grayby's technically an old man but perpetually a baby, Pash is getting older, and Pebbles ages backwards

How tall are you? 5'8" (5'9" if I didn't have scoliosis!)

Favorite subject in school? Art, literature, then randomly biology

Dream job? Always wanted to work in film, whether screenwriting, cinematography, DoP. I Can Be Your Gaffer. But not with the way that industry's headed lmaoooo

I TAG..... uh. Shit. @amygobrrr @blugoos-corner @fairygodbomber @leftyllama fuck it up!!!!! if any of you feel up to it haha i'm not a cop

[edwinspaynes]

Matthew, Alastair, and the Self vs the Other

I cannot for the life of me understand how people justify hating either Matthew or Alastair on behalf of the other. Like. Both of these characters are so beloved to me. They're easily two of my favourite fictional characters, and I'm not just talking about in TSC. I adore them, and I adore their complexities. As such, I feel that I am the appropriate person to write this essay.

(You can also expect another essay in the coming week that juxtaposes Matthew and Alastair's storylines as literary foils. The aim of this essay is not to understand their written characters, but to understand their dynamic as human beings).

Listen.

Shadowhunter Academy

At the Academy, Alastair behaved in a pretty homophobic way to Matthew, who was visibly not straight (and proud of it). It's worth noting that Alastair began the conflict here, with these statements. The stuff about Wilde being indecent was their first encounter, and he 100% perpetuated it again later with "what a fine wife you'll make for someone one of these days." The impact of this hurts Matthew regardless of the fact that Alastair was also gay. Matthew didn't know this at the time, and even if he had, it would have been unfair for Alastair to turn his own internalized homophobia on Matthew.

However, Alastair's statements are also understandable. Being gay in the late 1800s wasn't a walk in the park, and Alastair was likely having it consistently reinforced as shameful by Charles at this point. He was 15. He also was very clearly following the Wilde trials, which would have been terrifying for him.

Matthew is also a defensive person, and James was being consistently bullied by Alastair. I understand him coming to the defense of his friend. I get that. But he did, in the end, come at Alastair WAY too hard when he said that his father didn't love him. It's worth noting that Matthew didn't know the situation between Alastair and Elias, and he just groped around for fodder and accidentally hit something that hurt. But, like the Wilde stuff, that doesn't matter. The impact on Alastair was real and painful.

Onto the rumor stuff, the things that Alastair said about Gideon and Charlotte were inexcusable. Place this in a historical context. Charlotte is a woman, and one who's constantly questioned in her position of power. This rumor could have legitimately ruined her and the entire Fairchild family. I do not believe Alastair thought this through, but once again, the impact was there. This is a theme throughout their relationship.

Alastair, who is obviously extremely traumatized, was completely in the wrong for saying those things. 0 argument.

Matthew, who is obviously very mentally ill, was VERY MUCH in the wrong to blow up Alastair's things. 0 argument.

There's also an argument to be made that Alastair had no choice but to be a bully. I believe this. I fully understand him. He DID have no choice, and he deserves sympathy and compassion and forgiveness. I believe this unequivocally. No child- no human- deserves to be subject to the abuse that Alastair was at home and at school, and no 13-15 year old would have made a different choice.

But, at the same time, Alastair did not have to hit Matthew where it hurt like that. He could have stuck to the way he bullied Thomas, with periodic cutting barbs. That's also true.

Matthew's Great Sin

Fast forward a couple of years.

The only person to blame for Charlotte's miscarriage is Mother Hawthorne, an adult who used Matthew as a tool for attempted assassination. Full stop. The ONLY person. That's my preface.

Alastair is in no way to blame for Charlotte's miscarriage. Like, at all. I'm not even sure that he, to this day, knows what happened. This is indisputable. Alastair is, I would argue, unrelated to the reality of the situation.

Everyone reasonable can see this. Matthew himself is reasonable. Matthew himself knows this and has thought as much:

It was not the faerie woman’s fault, or Alastair’s, or the fault of any other soul. He was the one who had chosen to distrust his mother. He had fed his mother poison with his own hands. He was not a fool. He was a villain.

Of course, I disagree with Matthew's thoughts on Mother Hawthorne. I also disagree with his thoughts on his own culpability, but I'm getting there. My current point is that Matthew knows, immediately, that Alastair is not to blame.

However, the person that he chooses to blame is himself.

Matthew, prior to this event, already had incredibly low self-worth. Two clear examples:

“You may be a waste of space in a waistcoat,” he told Matthew Fairchild, “but at least your waistcoat is fantastic.”

He was sure that if he had not asked James to be parabatai, James would never have thought of asking him.

As a result of this unbearable pain, Alastair becomes something of a scapegoat for Matthew. He hates himself and treats himself poorly; he shoves off some of that self-hate onto Alastair, his literary foil (again, wait for that essay). The alternative is unbearable. In Matthew's eyes, he is a villain, and he needs to make a new villain.

Matthew already has understandable problems with Alastair. Alastair is the one that triggered Matthew's insecurities. Despite having nothing to do with the miscarriage, he makes for a fine scapegoat.

And, over time, Alastair is no longer Alastair to Matthew. Alastair is simply a concept that he has created, flanderized, and made into some untouchable and inhuman evil spectre.

Alastair's Return to London

By the time that Alastair returns to London, Matthew's hate for both himself and for Alastair are solidified. Carved in stone. Matthew is not equipped to face Alastair.

Alastair does not fully understand why Matthew hates him. This is incredibly understandable. There's no other way this could have gone, because Alastair is a person, and he is a person that knows nothing of the conceptual caricature that Matthew has cast him as.

So he apologizes, and he apologizes, and he apologizes. He does everything right, and I would argue that Alastair's in the clear for his past actions by the end of ChoG. (Not to the Thieves, but to a reasonable reader/outsider).

Alastair is, at this point, just some man that the main cast has beef with. He's a good guy. He's done his due diligence and apologized. They should, in both Alastair's mind and many readers', be good now.

Unfortunately, Matthew is not a reasonable reader or outsider. Matthew is a real person who was directly impacted by Alastair's actions at the Academy, which almost certainly led to some of his self-worth problems. He also incorrectly has essentially gaslit himself into thinking that his mother's poisoning is another way that Alastair has victimized him.

At this point, I will say that I personally believe Matthew to be bipolar. If he is not bipolar, he may have borderline personality disorder. This is unconfirmed, but there is a lot of evidence in the text. I could write an essay on this as well as someone who also is bipolar. What he does with Alastair- and later with Cordelia- is something called splitting. A person is either an evil and worthless villain or they are a goddess incarnate (respectively). There is no gray area.

In any case,

To Matthew, Alastair's constant apologies and lack of awareness about the impact he had appear dismissive.

Thomas frowned. “Matthew,” he said, his usually gentle voice remonstrative, “that was the past. It is time for us to be adults and forget childish slights.” “Thomas, you are kind,” said Matthew. “Too kind, and you wish to forget. But I am not kind, and I cannot help but remember.”

Thomas is too forgiving; Alastair has not, in Matthew's mind, sufficiently apologized for the imagined but simultaneously legitimate transgression. He must do so. Alastair must hurt as Matthew has, and he does not consider that he is engaging with an actual human being who only has one friend that he is about to destroy his relationship with.

Note that this is once again consistent with Matthew's characterization as protective of his friends. In his mind, he is saving Thomas from the abusive concept of Alastair. His being incorrect and that image not being an accurate representation of the man himself do not matter to Matthew's motivations.

At this point, though, Alastair is also unfortunately extremely triggered by Matthew's drinking. This is clear in ChoG when Alastair says,

Alastair’s expression went flat. “You think I would be relieved to hear she’s with Matthew? You think I don’t know a drunk when I see one? Believe me, I do. If he puts Cordelia in harm’s way—”

Not great, especially considering that Alastair has spent his entire life trying to protect Cordelia from a drunk:

Because he’s always bloody drunk, Cordelia. The only one of us who didn’t know that is you. [...] I wanted you to have a childhood, a thing I never had. I wanted you to be able to love and respect your father as I never could. [...] Who learned at ten years old to refill the brandy bottles with water each morning so no one would notice the levels had sunk?"

Alastair is correct. This is more than understandable. Matthew is, in that moment, taking Cordelia to a scandalous nightclub; he will, in a few months' time, impulsively run away with Cordelia to another country.

This conflict persists in much the same way throughout Chain of Iron, with Alastair getting more and more irritated that his apologies are going unheard and Matthew getting pissier and pissier that Alastair cannot conceptualize Matthew's rage.

I'll talk more about this in my Literary Foils essay, but:

It is only through self-acceptance that Matthew learns to forgive Alastair and, once again, view him as Alastair the Man rather than Alastair the Concept.

It is only through self-acceptance that Alastair is able to see Matthew as Matthew the Man rather than Matthew the Drunk that reminds him of Elias.

In the end, their budding friendship is only possible because they have done the work to better themselves.

[faloverfae]

I've seen some people use the "Gaza doesn't support LGBTQ+ people" as an argument for why they don't deserve our support and it's such a scary reason. The demographic arguing this is the same one that doesn't "agree with our lifestyle" and they seem to believe that we think anyone who doesn't support us deserves to die.

Obviously, this is fucking bullshit.

But the clear lack of empathy is INSANE, and it is honestly terrifying to see what their beliefs truly are. Bear with me here.

People approach life through the lense of their own experiences. They can agree with others, and understand them to a degree, but they will never have the experiences that another person has. Because we can only see things through our own lense, it is even more important to listen to other people, to learn and educate ourselves on topics and experiences we do not and will never have.

However, this is a realisation that is unfortunately not super commonly occurring (at least in my experience this far) as most people are content to simply believe that everyone sees things the same way they do instead of looking inward and grappling with their own experiences and resulting prejudices. The group that makes this argument, that we should not support Gaza because they don't have LGBTQ+ rights, is the same group of people that do not do this inward reflection.

They believe we think like they do. They believe that we, like them, are unwilling to show empathy in situations where it is very important to show empathy, simply because we disagree on a certain point. They think we don't believe that people are complex and ever changing, that countries can grow and progress and improve given time. They believe we can be convinced (tricked) to agree with a fucking GENOCIDE because the Palestinian people don't have LGBTQ+ rights yet.

They already believe that there are some people in the world who are less human than themselves, so it can't be a surprise that the same logic applies here. The people of Palestine are far away, therefore whatever comes of this "conflict" (genocide) will not affect their own lives. To them, the children in Gaza are not human. They do not have complex lives, they do not have hopes or dreams, they simply exist as shells. And as such, they are not real people, and therefore they are not important.

So the argument then is not that we should not support Palestine because they don't support the LGBTQ+ community. It is that we should not support the people of Palestine because they are not actually people.

And then we have to grapple with the implicit racism that is contained in that statement; how this dehumanising is not at all new and the people on the recieving end of this treatment are nearly always people of colour; how there can be parallels drawn from the current genocide through every genocide in history, and how it all traces back to colonialism, but that is far more intersectionality than most people are ready for in a Tumblr post, and honestly I am too tired to try and write that essay right now.

Anyways.

Do your daily clicks!!! It literally takes 14 seconds (I counted)

Here is the link to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund!

https://www.pcrf.net/

That one vice article in case anyone doesn't know about the TLOU shitshow yet

A link to a website that lists resistance rallys for Palestine! It has days, times and places so if you are interested in attending the ones in your area but don't know how to find them this is a wonderful source!

A resource on intersectionality! I suggest listening to this series, it is very informative and although they don't talk about Gaza directly, much of what is said about other situations (or simply the ways things are spoken about) can be applied here too!!! I wish I had more resources to add about intersectionality but I'm just starting out in the activism world, so please feel free to suggest any you know of!

Free Palestine. We will not stand by as the Palestinian people are slaughtered. Do research. Inform yourself.

[blackvahana]

eldritch notes, pt1

understanding what eldritch energy means to me. upg disclaimer blah blah dont care

note: not interested in lovecraftian spiritual stuff or anything involving fiction, as much as i do follow a few LC folk for curiosity's sake. dont necessarily believe or disbelieve LC channelled these types of beings into his work, similarities could fully, in my worldview, be coincidence and similarities aren't really deeper than surface level in my opinion, given that everything I've seen could be describing literally any spirits and nature folk through the lens of someone terrified of them as much as he is of fellow humans. Still, what folks call "eldritch" and seem to associate with LC I have found to be intrinsic to my existence, so I'm using the term until I move to va'alasre.

Written while bilocating (in the astral)

------

4/2/24

“Eldritch”, yes, but what is it.

Here in the connective substance with Ahi in the outskirts of existence as known on Earth, not alien to humans, but alien to the beings humans call aliens. Alien to alienhood. Sweet-bitter, rain-dry. Last I looked - last I was translatable to human sight - I looked like something akin to a massive, elongated eel colony under a thousand rags of feather-esque drapings like organic paper tags, a siphonophore of shifting eyes with strange, sea-animal irises, undefined pupils if any. Eyes more like canvases than what humans think of them. It would be wrong to call myself “shifting”, too, does a human need to call itself “flowing” because its heart beats blood through it continuously?

But anyone could be this in appearance… No, that’s my first mistake, but not the first thing I’ll talk on. People can be this without having the energy inherent to them to back it up. I let this form come out of me organically, organically farming the seeds dropped in the soil that is my existence without first vetting what they were. What does it mean to be eldritch…

A synonimity of microcosm-macrocosm, the infinitely large and the infinitely small:

I am in amongst stars weaving with Ahi, the Leviathan, double-helix. I am in-between atoms, tiny, like a little tardigrade. Either way, eyes mean nothing physically, it is soul eyes that matter. Either way, I am within every cell of mine - or more so every cell of mine is me. Parasites, they say. No, instances. Tiny little self-perpetuating things. Static on a TV screen, the screen is the body, the static is instances. Cells are just bodies repeated endlessly. When you understand the nature of fractalisation - described in tendrils and non-Euclidean masses - to the point of being it, you open the doorways to… Being it.

Bodies are eyes, therefore eyes are bodies:

”Soul eyes”… Every cell of the body is an instance of intaking. It is a book that is written and erased as it witnesses, it is the point of information, the thing which entertains and educates the consciousness, the atman. Everything is an instant of understanding, everything is eyes. Eyes are useless, therefore we see with things beyond them. When you become greater than the sources of light themselves, the stars, then you need to see in a different way. I see myself in my forest right now, I see myself in my human physical body and all its cells sing with me as eyes. This is, for me, an extension of the Choir, something personal to myself as a sky spirit, but the idea repeats in various languages.

Information is experience:

We know what we know, and we don’t know what we don’t know, and we don’t know what we know, and we know what we don’t know. To experience is to know, which is to be. The border between us and the world is of knowing. To exist in the macrocosmic is to exist in the microcosmic. For the eldritch that means… When I exist in your eye, I exist in your eye, just like I exist between atoms and molecules and microorganisms. I exist in two spaces, the self and the mirror. You are the mirror. An image is an idol, an idol is inhabitable, analogic, a gift from God to be used and seen through. “Static on a TV screen, the screen is the body, the static is instances.” And if you turn the viewpoint from the TV to the viewer, you’ll find the static on the eyes of the viewer. And if you understand how to look, you will know that even if you cannot perceive it, that static is on the retina, and the image is entirely in the viewer’s head. It’s one thing to know, another thing to do. Another thing to know what you do. Another thing entirely to be what you know and do what you be.

Shifting, there and not there. The nature of information as knowing and being. The eldritch is in your eye as much as it is in front of you.

There is illusions: One can easily play with how they’re perceived by the onlooker, they edit and rearrange subjectivity, they play with their informational expression; basically, they edit the words of their book. Instead of “a human male” without illusions, they express themselves with them as “a handsome human male” - or, instead of being “a handsome human male” without illusions, they become “a beautiful human male” with them. Twisting, altering the understanding and digestion of the self in the onlookers.

This? What I’m talking about it something different. This is inhabiting the impression to the point of being it. Thinking now of Nataraja, of course; there is no “Nataraja” separate from “Shiva” except in the act of being the lord of dance, the dance itself, the imprint of six (plus one) Cosmic Laws on the expression, the knowledge of influence equating in complex mathematical forms the outcome. He becomes Nataraja as the Black Hole and its singing and its dancing, he dances through what he makes dance, he is the dance.

One may exist in the past, the present. One may exist in the future. One must understand not just the act of being all three places, but the act of getting them there in such a way not of embodying one’s actions, but embodying the act as a fourth space, the action as a body.

-----

To talk on some other time:

The severity and imperativeness of the act of understanding-being, not just understanding, not just being

Why I'm wrong to say "anyone could be this in appearance" in terms of presuming anyone can front in an "eldritch appearance", why it's more difficult than that statement suggests

Madness, why it occurs (the key: understanding-being)

Synonymity of Ocean and depths of space

Siphonophore

Gravitation to eyes and tentacles as a specific breed of the concept, a specific language

Consumption as possession and extending the self.

Idk ill think of it when i feel like it

[probablynotnothing]

This picture is from a book called "all along you were blooming" by morgan harper nichols.

its almost unbearably hard trying to be a human who is good, careful, smart, forward thinking, and doesnt harm others. i didnt experience pain like this when i was younger. i know now i dont use any substances at all it is also terrifying and frightening to experience emotions i prevented ever experiencing when i was younger. through numbing in many various ways. some of these emotions its not necessary for me to experience but i dont know yet which these are. so coming off the tail end of the season of pointing my anger against myself, i will use the last remains of this guilty desire to harm myself by experimenting with what does and doesnt help me in certain contexts.

It's so difficult to know myself and what works for me to do to feel better in different circumstances, since i relied on drugs, sex and food when younger in a way that I now associate with my downfalls and shame. Yes many things i did to cope and make myself feel better when younger had outcomes not in my best interest, but there was really magic in doing things by consulting my inner desire and enjoyment. i want to do that now and minimize harm (financial, health, relational) while also being compassionate to myself that my brain doesn't experience joy and rewards with the things that "it should" experience rewards with. I dont have patience, i dont like arts and crafts, I like hands on activities and exploring and learning, and thats ok.

I cant problem solve it and know all the answers right now regarding how to think about myself and life. i'm frustrated so many people know who they are and what theyre doing, and that they feel inherently rewarded doing the things that take me massive willpower to force myself to do. i feel betrayed that i don't enjoy doing much and certainly don't seem to enjoy anything "upright" and "productive".

i have so much debt and dont have any financial plans in place. i keep eating out because its the only way i can feel comfort and pleasure lately and i don't have the energy and patience to cook like i used to. i know my unhappiness directly relates to my job, and my job directly relates to my financial constraints. it seems like a self perpetuating cycle. Don't know the way out but im grateful to remember this is a major aspect of my unhappiness and anger, and I'm not just "broken". I'm experiencing appropriate human emotions for a human in my circumstances and history.

I force myself to go to these classes I dread each week because i tell myself if I don't I may be stuck in my exhausting dead end job forever and never get closer to my goals and just keep breaking down my body more with overworking myself in fast paced physical labor jobs. I'm experiencing the discomfort of something new yes- but I am also experiencing the discomfort of incompatibility and disagreement in philosophy (dog training), and a lack of inherent rewards. I'm trying to force myself to behave in a way I think I should to accomplish my goals, but doesnt the path my end goal need to be filled with things i find bearable and rewarding in order to confirm i'm on the path?

I keep on feeling like a ghost. winding up in situations where i dont want to be rude and infringe ("who am i to sidetrack this person's path"). while its important to be able to quietly peacefully depart paths and leave into the night, at some point i do need to also learn how to be honest about confusion, disagreements, etc. because i need compassion for myself, to be willing to take up room and help those who may not want to ask for help or admit they need help, and i need others to help me by giving me opportunities so i can selfishly have a job that is actually compatible with me and my inherent advantages/ strengths and disadvantages/weaknesses.

I need to recognize for myself the difference between sincerely liking someone and being compatible, and the difference of living in "customer service mode" and trying to be likable and peaceable with everyone.

When i survived when i was younger, and got out of homelessness, could i have accomplished it in ways that didnt involve gritting my teeth and forcing myself to "stick with the program"?

it feel like an overwhelming disaster to examine and sort through how my unhappiness relates to practical matters of the present or past memories, but its worth it for me to try to find my peace adn happiness, and try to get to the life i want to live, even when it feels impossible.

[takeariskao3]

Hello, what made you finally take a “risk” into fanfiction and being comfortable with submit your work on A03/Tumblr? I’ve just recently started actively uploading some HP fanfics and I still feel nervous when I go to press the publish button. I try not to let my nerves get to me so instead of checking how many “hits” I get, I read fics from other others just to keep my mind from overthinking.

Also, wanted to say that I love the interactions you have with your fellow readers it’s beautiful, really. Seeing how they come together and read your writing. Not just that but it seems like you don’t know the impact that you have on your readers and when you receive an ask by someone telling you how much they love your work, it’s adorable how your at a loss for words. Because you have a great talent, and like the saying goes we are our own worst critics, even if you somehow feel like one scene or chapter isn’t the greatest, you never know if that scene/chapter means the world to one of your readers.

No matter what I hope you know that your writing will always be special and it’s truly one of a kind. Especially the way you come up with the details and dialog, it’s like the reader can get teleported into the story with the way you write each scenes. Also, the way you create the Daily Prophets are simply AMAZING, love it so much its truly a work of magic 😉. I always wonder how you came up with creating those and how long does it take you, for you to enjoy the final product to place in the story. It’s very creative and interesting to see, it feels magical, anytime I see a Daily Prophet in the beginning of the story.

I hope you the absolute best in your writing adventure and always know that even no matter what, you matter and the words that you come up with have the power to take someone away from the world and into a place that you’ve created even if it’s just for a few minutes.

No matter what ship you write for, do what you love the most because at the end it’s your story! ❤️

❤️

I hope you have a good night/morning 🥺

first of all: AAAHHHHFLSKDFJASDKJLFHADSGKJF

OKAY, now that we've got that out of the way. you are so lovely and absolutely the sweetest and i genuinely cannot comprehend how i ended up with so many of you being so nice to me all the time. because from my point of view i am just a person hanging out behind her computer screen in-between bouts of real life. like i cannot stress that enough. i am probably the most boring, underwhelming, thirty-something, toddler mom you will ever meet. so when people come to me and have.. like.. theories and analysis and excitement over this night-time hobby of mine, i get all blushy and giggly about it because i'm excited about it too! and i think you are absolutely right, we are our own worst critics and so when a lot of what i'm pulling together feels disjointed or mediocre, hearing that it still made an impact even though i was less than thrilled about it, quite literally translates into all-consuming motivation to keep going.

like just you saying you love the daily prophet articles had me scrolling through the ones i've made but haven't used yet to see if i can drop a lil sneak peek because you like??? an idea i had???

anyways, i'll stop rambling about my very transparent people pleasing tendencies.

as for your first question, i don't think we, as writers, ever truly get past the anxiety/anticipation of sharing our work. that's sort of the whole thing right? writing is a shared medium, it doesn't manifest its full meaning until it is shared. but it's also terrifying to share a bit of yourself, a bit of your soul, with someone and invite interpretation and criticism. that's really fucking scary. that's probably why chapter 17 is in a perpetual draft because i am very much afraid of putting myself out there and it not be good enough. so, i think it is absolutely okay to admit and validate those fears but i also think it's important to have people who can ground you and remind you why you are writing. i've been writing and posting fanfic for over ten years and i still spiral and overthink and obsess over stats, but thankfully i have really good people around me who can bring me back down to earth and whose opinions i trust when they tell me that something is or isn't working within a plot/dynamic/chapter. and i do the same for them.

i'd say that is the best thing you can do? make writer friends? find people you trust and who have similar tastes and interests and do fandom life together? because just like writing is a shared medium, fandom is a collective experience. it's meant to be shared.

the last thing i'll share with you as a new-ish writer wanting to take up the fanfic hobby, is that writing is the type of activity where you are not going to see immediate improvement or growth. it's just not. and it's also not something that can really be forced when it comes to success. you can't make people connect with your stories, so cherish the ones that do and keep reading and watching and writing until the story consumes you instead of you directing the story. at least, in my experience, that's what i've found to be the most rewarding, when i know the characters so well and have their voices so ingrained in my head that they are telling me how the story should go, instead of the other way around.

thank you so much for this message! please feel free to come talk to me off anon if you want <3 i'm always down to clown

[colorsoundoblivion]

FANE MASTER POST

(Original post about this permalink here)

[Status August 3rd 2023: I have roughly 39 pages in various states of design/completeness.]

{Contributors/contributions per category for current issue: Art (2), Photography (0), Interviews (1), Music (1), Print (0), Articles (0), Random (1), Letters (0)}

FANE is a digital & print zine with the intent to lift up artists of all kinds and expose them to new audiences. In every issue I hope to feature Musicians, Photographers, Illustrators, Poets, Painters, etc., along with life testimonials from marginalized peoples (are you a gender non conforming POC in the Crust Punk scene? I wanna know what that’s like. Are you transitioning in a rural area and want to share your experience? I want to help you do that. Do you love transgressive writing and like picking it apart? I wanna read those book reviews.). I am actively seeking out creatives in the LGBTQIA+ community who make the kinds of works that don’t get the attention or respect of mainstream queer culture. That said, FANE is all encompassing and we welcome submissions from peoples of all different walks of life (from CisHet to TransQueer, and everything before, in between, and after).

FANE is 100% volunteer. Everyone involved is donating their time and content. The digital version of the zine will be available completely free. The print version will be a lo-fi print-on-demand option priced to cover cost. Any kind of profits made or donations received will go towards building an online presence for the zine and further promoting the zine.

Examples of what we’re looking for:

Music Reviews, Live Show Reports, Photography, Painting, interviews (both interviewers and those willing to be interviewed), indie film makers, queer activists/artists, anything that defies convention, short stories, poetry, anyone willing to share honestly their struggles with mental health or other health issues, anyone into body modification, anyone with an unconventional body structure comfortable showing their body and discussing it, anyone willing to share terrifying personal experiences they’ve overcome, comedic works as prose or illustration, sex workers willing to share what their lives are like. Anything & anyone who deserves their “15 minutes” currently denied by surface culture. Contributions don’t have to be small, and you don’t have to do any page layout/framing (we can set up the pages from your content/files).

Examples of what we’re NOT looking for:

Pornography, edgelord shit for the sake of edgelord shit, right wing/conservative bullshit, Racists, animal cruelty, white nationalist propaganda, Nazi sympathizers, homophobes, transphobes, sexists, and other generally shitty human garbage. This doesn’t mean journalistic articles about such things can’t find inclusion, just that I don’t want to print the actual things themselves.

All submissions to FANE must be your original work or works you have the legal right to use. When submitting, you give FANE the right to reproduce your material in perpetuity within the context of zine print runs, website/blog postings, publishing collected editions of the zine, etc. (we’re not going to sell your works as prints or shirts or mugs or any kind of similar shenanigans). You are NOT giving us exclusive rights to anything, and your works will always be yours to do with as you wish outside of the zine.

As of writing this, the print edition will be black & white only (to keep price as low as possible, and honor xerox culture), but the digital edition will be full color. Please keep this in mind when choosing any visuals you may want to include. I think I can get the price down to $4 for b&w, but color would be $8 or $9 just in cost which I feel is a lot to ask (maybe I’m wrong). The goal here is simply to make it as accessible as possible.

Questions? Suggestions? Contributions? You can contact me here on tumblr or use FANEmag at gmail. I’m working on other communication methods as well, but I’m an Elder Millennial so please be patient with me :)

Feel free to reblog/spread far & wide.

Here are some visuals to give you an idea of what the overall “vibe” of the zine is. Nothing here is final… it’s all in progress/template/mock-up type stuff. I will update this post with changes, additions, etc.

I’m again tagging creatives at random. Don’t feel obligated to participate, but obviously I’d love to have ya:

@annaxmalina @ad-wills @blaue3 @conkerart @equinoxes @ericpenington @florian-93 @ghostribbons @jogoraz @justizpalast @rnarccus @rmtrl @st-nothing

Asked & Answered

Hey! What does the name FANE mean/stand for?

It’s a noun. It means a church or temple. I’m not a religious person, but the most spiritual I feel is when I’m submersed in the arts, hence the name choice. Major world religions aren’t exactly friendly to the LGBTQAI+ community, so the zine, in my head at least, is an alternate experience where people can find community, inspiration, and acceptance.

I’m a self deprecating sarcastic asshat too, so the fact it rhymes with “feign” as in “to feign interest in this boring zine” is absolutely intentional. As is the fact that it’s a four letter “F” word :)

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

people aren’t saying you’re “the bad guy” for saying clothes aren’t gendered, and no one is saying you’re wrong there. you’re “the bad guy” for acting like all nonbinary people do is perpetuate sexism and hurt the trans community. for outright refusing to listen to nb people about their identities and experiences. for reblogging posts made by terfs. we aren’t the ones mistaken here, you are.

For the record. The post that that is in reference too I didn't mention nb people once. People came at me saying I was terrible for literally just saying "clothes aren't gendered." And then used nb as to why.

And as I've said before, I've been doing years of research and listening to as many nb people as I could before I came to the conclusions that I have. And the ONLY things I've said on the matter is how the nb community (and I've even mentioned binary trans people a few times) have hurt the trans (my) community when it comes to continuing to push sexist ideals but call it progressive. And how that's fucked up. Pretty sure I've mentioned once how I also contributed to that before I realized what I was doing.

I've even talked at length about how I actually like the idea of nb. My only issue is how the community goes about things. Cuz ya, someone telling a muscular or butch women she's actually nb is fucked up. Likewise to feminine men. And it happens all the time. Clothes are just one of the way that this toxic part of the community uses things to push sexism. And it's not wrong of me to talk about that.

Lastly. Again. This is Tumblr. It isn't that deep. This isn't activism. It's me just talking. As for the terf thing. I don't vet every single person I reblog from and it's entitled to expect everyone to do so. Nor am I so terrified of terfs that I feel the need to freak out if one ends up somewhere near me. Better to give them a chance to see my POV and maybe start a positive discussion, then come at them with anger and hate immediately.

Cuz trust me, as someone who's actually helped transphobic people come around, immediately being hateful never works.