#I don’t know that distracting myself earlier necessarily got me out of my Sad or what but. idk worked I guess

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

Update: still throwing myself a pity party and apparently many people world wide are as well

[2dovey]

How does one cope with the pain of having to break up with somebody you’re still in love with?

although i do like the complexity of the question because it’s something i dealt with for a long period this year, i’m sorry if you’re going through this.

the thing that was an absolute game-changer in my healing journey was my mindset and change of perspective. i used to spend a lot of time pondering and wondering “what am i supposed to do without this person? who am i supposed to talk to? who am i without them?”. it was a very intense relationship and i thought we’d never break up, so when i was left with no other choice but to end things i didn’t know how to be myself without him.

in time i found the answers to these questions. i realised that life does go on without this person, and it can even be better without them. i’m a better version of myself now that i’m no longer stuck in a stunting environment. if i would’ve known how much better life would get after the breakup, i would’ve ended it much earlier, but i guess the time i spent postponing it helped me see that things don’t necessarily get better by staying.

now to “coping”, it’s quite tough. it’s okay to cry, weep, wail, stare at walls for hours, but you should keep in mind that it doesn’t have to feel this way forever. go do the cliche laying in bed watching movies and eating chocolates. stay in bed for hours. cry and wail on the floor. but don’t make your life all about this breakup and don’t EVER romanticise suffering. being in pain and misery is not beautiful or romantic or artistic. it’s just painful and miserable. it’s okay to cry in the shower, and cry while eating breakfast, and cry while having coffee in the morning and while having tea at night. it’s okay to go cry in the bathroom between classes. but life is so so so much more than a breakup. life is also about working towards your life goals, and spending time with your friends, and finding and creating yourself endlessly. after my breakup, i first took time for myself. i spent hours cleaning my apartment each week and making my home environment as pleasing as possible. i journaled everyday, writing tens and hundreds of pages. i went for daily walks. i started listening to happy music while doing my skincare in the morning and making breakfast. i started filling my agenda with things i had to do as i started uni. i started doing pilates. then i started slowly coming out of my shell, i started asking my old friends to hang out, even the ones i haven’t spoken to in months. i started having sleepovers with my girlfriends, i went on nights out with people i didn’t know that well and had lots of fun with strangers. i downloaded bumble with the purpose of making new friends and actually succeeded (but don’t go into trying to find new people to date or talk to right away).

i think my the biggest achievement i had from this breakup is the fact that i learned how to be uncomfortable and allow uncomfortable feelings to exist. us people tend to try to avoid these feelings, when we feel uncomfortable with our feelings we try to find some sort of familiarity or just something, ANYTHING to ease away these feelings, but sometimes it’s good to just feel them. you don’t grow by being comfortable. let yourself feel sad, nostalgic, melancholic, apathetic etc. without trying to find ways to make these feelings go away or replace them or make impulsive decisions. for example i had started talking to a new guy shortly after my breakup, and at that point this man was still a stranger to me but one night i started feeling sad over what happened between me and my ex and i got the urge to reach out to the new man and ask for his sympathy and for him to comfort me, to distract me from what i was feelings. before i would do it i told myself “instead of asking a stranger for comfort, maybe it’s better to just sit with these feelings for a while.” and i went for a walk and weeped, and weeped even after i got home.

the feeling of love for that person eventually drifts away as you grow on your own without them, and instead use the energy and time you spent on them on yourself. the only way out is through. and once you make it through, you’ll be more peaceful than you’ve been so far. build a trusting relationship with yourself and know that it’s for the better. you have to trust yourself that leaving them behind will make space in your life for new experiences and feelings that will make you feel better than that relationship did.

coping is okay, but keep in mind that there’s a difference between coping and actually healing. love yourself enough to know that you deserve better!

[the1975attheirverybest]

Hi I asked you earlier about if I talk to you about something, so, I've been a fan of the 1975 and Matty himself since november last year, immediately I got obsessed haha, started a having page, and bought the ticket for their show, like half year ago, this was something that let me go through a lot of bad times,i was thinking about it everytime I was feeling done with life, I thought it's going to be the best day of my life, I was waiting for it, imaging how will it go, like I thought it's going to be crazy for me, but right before the show I had conflict with my mom about how will I get there, I went with her but she wasn't feeling good, It was super rushed because I didn't know how and if I'll get there, I wasn't really mentally prepared, I didn't have time to be happy and excited about it before, all I was feeling was stress, while I was there I met some people that were distracting me, Was trying to record but all the footage is useless because my camera was broken, I wasn't fully present in that concert, I wasn't fully there, I didn't fully enjoy it, I feel like I ruined it for myself, could be the only time that I was able to see them ever, and I ruined it, I don't feel good, excited like it was fun like I just seen fucking Matty Healy on stage and WTF is wrong me what kinda fan and person I am, i am being really sad and depressed today , feels like a whole half of year was pointless and went to waste idk im sorry for this being so long but I wanted to talk to someone about it, how am I fan and have all these feelings but feeling nothing about the concert that I was sorry if it's too much Hope it makes sense

Awwww, honeyyy I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending you lots of hugs 💗💗

It sounds to me like your feelings aren’t necessarily about the show or the band or the moment, but about the rough day that you had that night. Which makes total sense to me. I’m almost scared to go with people to my show in August just cuz I don’t know how my brain will handle trying to socialize AND be absorbed in the show. And, I don’t know about your mother, I hope you have a better relationship with her than I do with my mom, but if mine was there we would just end up stressing each other out and it would 100% ruin the moment.

You’re a fan of the boys, yeah, but you’re also a human being and you can’t control how you feel so why judge yourself for it, you know? By all accounts, you had a crappy day. And it’s hard to be mindful and present when all that has happened and was happening around you at the same time as the show. But you still got the ticket and went even though you had a difficult day, and that means something! And, hey, I’m almost certain you’ll get a chance to see them again. They don’t seem like they’re ending the tour any time soon. And now you know what to expect/prepare for and you know to prioritize your peace of mind over anything else when the opportunity comes again.

So, what kind of fan are you? The human kind. The kind that has a full complex being and life. All of which can get in the way sometimes. That’s totally normal. I bet even Matty has those days. Where he’s excited to preform cuz he loves us and loves his job but has whatever else going on in his life as well. And George was looking “angry” the other day or whatever it is that people were saying. Everyone has moments like that and it doesn’t make you any less of a fan. I bet Matty Fuckin Healy would 100% understand. We all definitely do. Don’t be so hard on yourself, love 💗

[sinnamonrolle]

[ the little moments] ♡ Leviathan

4 - That moment when you baked cream puffs with Leviathan.

✿ part of a series now! ✿

❀  gender neutral reader  ❀

“What are you making?” you asked, peeking over Levi’s arms.

“GAH!” Levi yelped. “BEGONE, DEMONS!—oh. It’s just you. Why did you sneak up on me??? It’s not fair for my poor heart, okay.”

Levi set down the spatula into the bowl and patted his chest a few times, clearly spooked by your unannounced arrival. You felt bad for scaring him, but his reaction was utterly adorable. There was a faint blush across his cheeks, and all you wanted to do was see it again and again.

“I’m sorry,” you said sincerely, giving his head a few pats for good measure. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

The blush deepened at the contact between you two, but Levi didn’t push you away. He only turned his head and grumbled with a small pout, “It’s fine, I forgive you.”

You looked at the dough in the bowl, the cup of beaten eggs on the counter, and the bottles of whip cream neatly lined up to the side. “So, what are you making? Do you need any help?” you asked.

He perked up instantly, and all lingering signs from the scare vanished. As he whipped out his D.D.D. from his pocket, he began explaining to you.

“So, you see,” Levi began, his fingers moving furiously against the screen, “in the anime ‘The Magical Ruri Hanai: Demon Girl’, in one episode, Ruri-chan visited one of her human friends and they made cream puffs together, and as I was rewatching that episode, seeing Ruri-chan enjoying her cream puffs that she made with her own two hands also made me want to make my own cream puffs, because if I make it myself, then it’ll be like eating it with Ruri-chan, you know, but I’ve never made cream puffs before so I’m following a recipe and yeah. That’s where I am right now—Did you get all that? You look a little dazed.”

When Levi talked about something he’s passionate about, the purple in his eyes rose and fell in accordance to his emotions. It’s something that took you a while to notice, but once you did, you couldn’t stop staring. For example, when Levi was sad, the purple swallowed most of the orange, leaving behind a sliver of dark orange. And when Levi was angry, and you meant really angry, only a tiny amount of purple circled his pupil. The bright orange consumed all other colors, and it almost seemed to glow. But when Levi was happy, that’s when his eyes were the warmest orange. The purple was mild, nestled underneath hues of oranges—you thought it was a beautiful combination of colors.

Like currently. You were utterly entranced by the way the orange seeped into the paler orange, pushing down the purple until all you could see was the sunset in his eyes. Too entranced that you appeared dazed to Levi, but not to the point that you didn’t listen to what he was saying.

When you refocused again, Levi turned away to the ingredients on the countertop, hands reaching for his headphones only to meet the collar of his cardigan. It seemed to be a habit of his. When he was nervous or feeling out of place, he often reached for his headphones to feel safe, to feel protected against the world. But he didn’t have them today, probably because he planned on baking and didn’t want them to get dirty or to get in the way.

“Of course,” Levi mumbled, tugging his cardigan closer to his body, “I shouldn’t expect a normie like you to understand, why did I even bother? There’s no way you would care about something stupid—”

“I was listening,” you said firmly. “By making cream puffs, you will feel like you’re eating them with Ruri-chan, right? It’s not stupid at all, Levi. I think the idea is adorable. Can we make them together?”

Levi spluttered and turned further away from you, red ears peeking out of his hair.

“That-that’s not fair! Acting so cute, especially with that head tilt! It’s like you’re trying to KO me!” Levi complained, but he finally turned to look at you. However, his eyes were constantly moving between the bowl of batter and your face. “Although… if it’s on purpose, I, uh, I wouldn’t necessarily mind… BUT that’s not the problem here! Are you sick or something? Why did you look so out of it? Like, like something came and ate your soul! You can’t let anyone eat your soul, okay?!”

There was no need for shame in this house, so you confessed with a straight face. Besides, there wasn’t any reason to hide it from Levi, whose concern for your soul had his hands on your shoulders, all of his inhibitions regarding intimacy out the window.

“I got distracted by your eyes,” you said honestly. “When you’re really happy, your eyes are this really pretty shade of orange. It reminds me of sunsets and autumn trees that we have in the human world.”

It took Levi a minute or two to process what you just said, but when it registered, he froze up. His hands clamped down harder on your shoulders, fingers squeezing you as he choked out, “A-ah… I, I see…”

His eyes bore holes into your clothes, not daring to meet yours, as red bloomed beautifully on his cheeks. It was just tempting you to touch it, to feel the warm soft skin with your fingertips, to encourage the blush with pinching and kneading, but just as you started to move for his cheeks, Levi removed himself from you and showed you a picture of cream puffs, drawn in a familiar anime style.

“Th-this, AHEM, this is what Ruri-chan made,” Levi said, the blush still lingering on his cheeks as he explained. “She cuts it completely in half and then they put the cream inside.“ Then, he swiped to another picture. “This is the recipe I found. I’ve already cooked the dough on the stove, so all I have left is to mix the perfect amount of eggs into the dough.”

You lowered the hand that was reaching for Levi’s face and smiled at him. Even though you really wanted to touch his cheeks, you were still satisfied from the way Levi was enjoying himself with baking. It was rare to see Levi so unbridled and unabashed with his happiness in a public space, although perhaps the House of Lamentation wouldn’t count as public.

Something this rare... you didn’t dare disrupt.

“Then, let’s mix the eggs together,” you offered, turning to grab the measuring cup of beaten eggs. “Is this the amount that we need?”

Levi picked up the spatula he had set down earlier and replied, “There’s four eggs in there, but the recipe said that it’s really finicky. We just have to make the dough a good consistency. Let’s see… we need it shiny, thick, and smooth.”

The mixing went well. Levi was extremely strict with making sure the dough came out well, and while you did some baking before here and there, you definitely weren’t an expert on the amount of eggs that needed to be in cream puff dough. You were glad Levi knew enough for the cream puffs to come out looking absolutely delicious, because you weren’t sure if your heart could handle Levi breaking down into tears.

“Be careful when you’re cutting it in half,” Levi said nervously, watching closely as you sliced a cream puff. “Don’t get hurt, okay? I’ll freak out if you do. I don’t know how to reattach fingers, so I’ll probably have to go get Satan but wouldn’t it be too late by then? How long does it take before human fingers aren't able to reattach? Ah, but we have magic so—”

“Levi,” you said, patting his arm in a consoling manner, “I understand your concerns, but I’ll be fine. I promise to be extra careful, but you shouldn’t hold the whipped cream can—”

Pop.

“—too tightly…” you finished, but it was already too late.

The bottle of whipped cream, branded with a logo of Little Devil, exploded from the top. Some of the cream decorated the kitchen countertop in white spots and some fell on your hand, but most of it landed on Levi. You could barely see his face through the thick layer of white.

“...”

“Pfffftttt—cough, cough!” you started laughing, only to immediately cover it with coughs. It didn’t sound believable at all, but you continued on, setting the knife to the side. “Levi, are you okay?”

Before he could respond, much of the cream fell from his face in a huge glob, leaving behind a white coating with varying thickness and two spots where his eyes were. You choked back the laughter as best as you could, but it was hard to stop your lips from twitching. It wasn’t helping that he looked somewhat like a clown.

“Are, are you okay, Levi?” you asked again, biting down on your lips to stop it from forming into a smile. “That’s a lot of whipped cream…”

Levi opened his mouth, but you couldn’t see his lips at all, only a dark, gaping hole that opened and closed.

“Unbelievable…” he said, and you would have helped him clean the cream off his face if you didn’t absolutely lose it then and there, doubling over as you wheezed, slapping a hand against your thigh.

“I’m sorry,” you gasped, “but, oh my goodness, Levi, you—AHAHAHA, you look like a clown! A clown! Levi, I’m so sorry but—”

When you took another look at Levi, he was looking at you in equal parts disappointment and embarrassment as he wiped off most of the white cream with a hand, washing it under the faucet.

Even though most of the whipped cream was gone, the look he sent you almost launched you into another wheezing fit, but you steadied yourself as you wiped the tears from your eyes.

“Unbelievable,” Levi grumbled, but this time you could see the pout on his lips and the absolutely adorable way his eyebrows furrowed together.

“I’m sorry,” you said again, with a bit of guilt, and reached for the remaining cream hanging onto his bangs. “Here, let me get that—”

Levi caught your hand.

“You complete idiot,” he complained as he brought your hand to his lips. “Cruel and heartless, I can’t believe you’re my master… Normally, I wouldn’t forgive you for a hundred years but… ” He trailed off, and his eyes, the color of coral, met yours for a brief second before his eyes eluded yours, and his tongue peeked out and licked the whipped cream that had landed on the back of your hand.

Your eyes followed the retracting tongue and the way it swiped gently against his pink lips as it passed through. Dazed, you only processed what had happened when the kitchen air blew against the wet patch on your hand, the cold sensation and the realization warming up your face.

Now, you were the one blushing.

Levi finished with a whisper, “You’re lucky I love you.”

-------

Masterlist!

[echo-three-one]

How ‘bout Jealous Soap x reader?

Hello Earthisdonut 🌍 🍩

I saw your ask while I was at work and I can't stop thinking about how the story goes... I had a lot of ideas but as I wrote, it kept on swinging on the other direction. Maybe it's my feelings being resonated into the words or an entire force telling me to go this way. Anyways here you go...

A jealous soap x reader fic.

Take me home

You take a deep breath and closed your eyes, clearing away the mixed sounds of random chatter, loud tv commentary and the all the yelling. 'Friday evening shifts are the worst' you thought to yourself as you make your way back to your station, wearing a smile on your face.

"Hey miss!" a customer whistled from the far end of the counter. You hastily walked to him and smiled. 

"What can I get you?" you asked with sincerity in your voice. You've worked long enough to master the art of faking a smile when in fact you are tired, but this job is all you have and the tips kept the bills afloat.

"Two beers and roasted nuts, please." He ordered, you were impressed at how kind he was, unlike the other new customers who reeked of rudeness and bad manners.

"Coming right up, Sir!" you winked as you tend to his order, mentally noting his tab for later. You hand him over the beer, placed on a circular chip that served as a coaster, followed by a heaping bowl of roasted nuts.

This kind of scene continued throughout the night, just with different kinds of people with different combinations of orders. You feel tired but you tend to forget it when you look at the tip jar, the thing that kept you moving forward. It's also the thing that's holding you back from life, you remembered when your best friend told you that you should unwind sometimes instead of rendering overtime during your day offs, to which you replied : "Soon enough", and that was well over a year ago.

As you wiped off the recently left spot by the counter, a well built man immediately took the spot and sat down, you tilted you head upward as the action surprised you. There he was, you couldn't miss his look, he stood out on the crowd because of his haircut, a perfectly cut mohawk and a scar on his left eye. He grinned at you, his blue eyes looked excited as soon as it met yours.

"John? I didn't know you'd be home!" You gasped as soon as you realized he's actually there, quickly putting a shot glass and pouring his favorite drink.

"Hey Y/N! I knew I'd find you here!" his hand gestured for a shake but he quickly dismissed it as soon as he realized he couldn't do it while you're at work.

"Yeah, working as always." you replied, trying to sound contented. He smiled at you as he raised his glass and downed the drink. You couldn't help but look at the way his Adam's apple moved as he consumed the drink.

His face turned into something incomprehensible as he let the taste of the strong alcohol set in, making you chuckle a little. His eyes turned to you as he heard you laugh.

"What's funny?" he asked. You simple shook you head and poured another pint on his shot glass. 

"I'll be back in a few. I have to serve drinks for these wild crowd." You informed him, but as soon as you were about to step out, you hear him stand up.

"What time will you be off?" He asked.

"Two more hours." You replied without looking back. You could feel your cheeks warm up and an uncontrollable smile plastered on your face. 

"Okay. I'll be here till then." he yelled as you entered the door to the employee's area. 

'Shit Shit shit shit.' you whispered to yourself as you regain composure. He felt way off. He didn't act like this toward you before. You could feel something odd between you two, and you're very distracted about it.

You made your way to your manager's office to request a five minute break. You knew he'd approve a breather from you because he was a accommodating to you since day one. You believed it's because you always give it your all in every shift.

You softly knock on his office door and pushed it slightly ajar, peeking your head through it as you saw him on his desk, doing some paperwork.

"Ah, Y/N. You need anything, love?" he greeted in his usual tone. His endearment didn't matter you as he calls every female "love".

"Can I take a five? Just needed to breathe." you huffed. He nodded in approval and stood up. 

"Let's puff it out, yeah?" he smiled as he offered a stick of cigarette.

The cold breeze of the Saturday evening wrapped around your work uniform. The noise from the bar was muffled but occasional screams would echo across the street. You exhaled a long stream of cigarette smoke through your mouth as the relaxing feel of nicotine coursed through your system. Smoking was your go-to activity whenever you feel extreme unexplained emotions, such as seeing John MacTavish after a long time.

"Tough crowd?" Your manager turned his head to you as you casually leaned on the cold metal railing.

"Not really. I just saw someone I least expected to see." You retorted, pressing your lips against the cigarette butt as you closed your eyes and inhaled the vice.

"Someone you hate?" He queried. 

"Not necessarily. But at one point of my life, maybe... It's just... it's complicated." You complained, sighing at the thought of him once again. You mentally fought against yourself whether to reminisce or not, reminding yourself that the reason you went out here was to clear your head, not to fill it with memories of summer 4 years ago.

You fixed your posture and flicked off the cigarette butt to the ashtray. Your boss followed, escorting you back to the office. 

"Thanks for the company. I needed it." You thanked him as you crossed the street. He hummed in acknowledgement as he opened the door for you. You couldn't help but scan the room quickly for a mohawk, but he wasn't around. Maybe he went to the bathroom, you thought to yourself as you get back to your station.

9:59 pm. Your eyes trailed to the huge digital clock by the door, rapidly moving across the crowd still no mohawk in sight. This actually made you sad, he wasn't the kind of guy who dissappoints, you always saw him as a man of his word. You did confirm that he already paid for his tab about an hour and a half ago, just after your short break.

Guess you're going home alone. So much for ' I'll be here till then' you mentally argued, frowning as you wiped off the last glass in the tray.

10:00 pm. You sighed and lazily grabbed your time card and let the huge metal clock record your departure. You felt your energy quickly deplete due to the dissappointment that is John MacTavish.

"See you on Monday!" you waved goodbye to your coworkers who seemed to notice your sudden loss of energy. You push the back door slowly and stepped outside. It was getting cold and you weren't prepared for it.

"Hey." A low scottish accent muttered just beside you, making you yelp in surprise.

"Holy crap, you scared the shit out of me!" you angrily punched his strong arm, hurting yourself in the process.

"I'm sorry." he spoke lazily, almost tired or drunk. You couldn't exactly tell, but it was far from his tone earlier. 

"Pretty chilly, eh?" you asked him, imitating his accent. Something that you always considered a major turn on when it comes to him.

"A little bit. And your impression is way off, I don't say it like that." he retorted nonchalantly making you worry if something happened while he was waiting.

"You seem a little off, what's the problem?" you asked, playfully bumping him while you walked the empty streets on your way home.

"It's just... uh.. Nevermind." he trailed off, his secrecy was making you impatient and you stopped on your tracks. He continued walking, looking down at the ground until he noticed you're no longer beside him.

He turned back. "You forgot something?" 

"I don't get you." you raised your voice. He slowly walked back to you until he's just inches away from your face.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. I should've just asked..."

"Asked what? You told me you'd stay here till my shift is over and then you're gone like that?" you complained, the tone of your voice was demanding and you could see him flinch when words hurt.

"I didn't want to raise suspicion." 

"Who would be suspicious of you?!"

"Shortly after you left, I took a smoke. But I didn't do it by the smoking area. I was way up here, enjoying the breeze." he said, turning to the smoking area which was very visible from up here. Was he sad because he saw you and your manager by the smoking area? What kind of eyes did he have? You didn't want to assume things so you started to supply him with questions to fill in the blanks.

"And? Was the area too sad for you to be all emo like that all of a sudden?" you complained, soing your best impression of an angry person, but you know deep inside that you couldn't get angry at this man.

"Yeah. You could say that." he chuckled. He couldn't even look at you anymore.

"Bullshit." you retorted. He slowly tilted his head and smiled as soon as your eyes met. The view was so gorgeous you almost felt like the world was in slow motion.

"You don't have to believe me if you want. Why are you walking with me home anyway. You could've said no. I bet he has some nice fancy car to drive you home." he blurted, fog started to huff out of his mouth as the snow started to fall from the sky.

"Where are you going with this, John?" you spat, letting the emotions get the best of you. If only he was clear enough then this wouldn't have happened.

"I saw the two of you smiling while talking, I thought to myself. Yeah, she's happy with that bloke huh, I wish I knew that before I invited her earlier." he breathed out. You almost felt guilty, but it wasn't your fault. He easily assumed things that weren't even true.

"What made you think we're together? Just because we're smoking together doesn't mean we're in a relationship. Is that what you thought?" you replied, fighting back helping him on his way to the truth.

He paused, it's as if his whole thought process was shattered when your words stung him. 

"I got jealous. To be fair, I was gone for 4 years... I always thought you already found someone else within that time." he frowned. It was not usual of him to feel this vulnerable.

"Look-" you tried to explain but you suddenly felt his warm embrace wrapped around you.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered. The same words he said before leaving 4 years ago. The same words that hurt you back then and the same words that's going to hurt you at this moment. He was the one that got away, he was the one whom you shared your most magical moments with, but not the one who's going to be there until the end. He'll have to leave anytime soon, as his job requires him to save the world. You told him he could settle for less risky world saving endeavors but he insisted that this was his purpose. And you were not willing to let him choose again.

"You know... you're not supposed to feel jealousy." you consoled, rubbing his well sculpted back. 

"I know... I couldn't help it." he whispered. 

"Let's get you home, John." you whisper to him as he pulls away from you, his face pouted like a baby whose candy got stolen.

"Why are you here anyway?" you added.

"I'm getting reassigned to a new task force. I figured I could say goodbye to someone I hold dear." he smirked, he felt normal, but then again you couldn't help but feel that this would be the last time you'll be seeing him. You we're thinking he won't be able to travel freely back here anymore or worse, he'll be the hero the world wanted him to be.

[likeiwishiknew]

Azriel X Gwyn - Autumn Connection

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29716227/chapters/73536900

She was nervous.

Gwyn had arrived at the house with Nesta and Cassian, who were there to meet with the rest of the Inner Circle. Cassian had asked Rhysand if it was alright for her to come, and the High Lord thankfully had not objected. It was her first time being in the home of the High Pair. 

After they’d arrived, she’d split from the group. With the blessing of Nesta’s sister, Feyre, Gwyn in wandered the grounds and explored the marvelous home. 

But that was simply a means to pass the time. 

Gwyn had one single reason for being here, and he was sitting across the room - staring silently out the window. His hair reminded her of her own.

Lucien Vanserra. 

Taking a deep breath, she walked over to him - noting his handsome profile. 

“Why aren’t you in the meeting with the others?” she asked politely. 

The red-headed male turned his head, and her eyes caught on his false golden eye as he scrutinized her. 

“I’m not welcome there,” he answered. 

Her brow crinkled, “What do you mean?” 

“I came here in an official capacity, as emissary, to deliver news of what I’ve learned. But their discussions are meant for them alone.” 

The male tried to sound indifferent but she detected the wistfulness in his tone. He said he did not belong, but a part of him wanted to. She lips pressed thin at the dejection that took over his face as turned back to the window. 

“Well then, perhaps I can sit with you while you wait,” she offered, dropping down beside him on the large couch. 

He said nothing in response. 

“My name is Gwyn by way.” 

Again, no answer. Gwyn refused to give up. No matter how stubborn he insisted on being. She’d mustered up the courage to show up here uninvited, and she would not leave with nothing to show for it 

“You’re from the Autumn Court right?” 

He gazed over at her apprehensively, “I’m sure you know who I am,” he returned, waiting for her to deny it. 

But she didn’t. Gwyn saw no point in lying since they both knew the truth.

“You’re right, I do.” 

She could’ve sworn he regarded her with begrudging respect for the fact that she didn’t  attempt to lie. Perhaps, that was why he deigned to answer. 

“I have not belonged to the Autumn Court in a very long time. But I’m sure you knew that as well.” 

She nodded, “But you were born in that court, grew up there. Didn’t you?” 

He eyed her attentively, “Yes.” 

“Will you tell me about it?”

His eyes narrowed, “Why do wish to know about the Autumn Court?” 

She smiled, lowering her voice as if imparting some great secret, “I’ve been told that my grandmother, a river nymph, once used her feminine wiles to seduce a High Fae from your home court. So, I suppose you could say I’m curious about it all. I mean we could be family.”

She gestured to her hair to make her point. 

Lucien stared at her for a long moment, not saying anything, and she wondered if she’d laid it on a bit too thick.

Until he erupted in laughter. 

This went on for several seconds before he managed to collect himself. 

“I dare say that was not the sort of answer I was expecting.”

Any signs of ill-humor was gone from the male. He now looked downright amused, his hands pressed to his knees. 

“A member of the Autumn Court seduced by a river nymph, truly? My goodness. I only wish I knew the story behind it, if it is in fact true.”

“Of course, it’s true. I wouldn’t be here otherwise,” she insisted.

“Right well, first thing you need to know about the Autumn Court is that they’re all a bunch of stuck up assholes.” 

She crinkled her nose in distaste, “Aren’t they your family?”

Lucien watched her intently.

“That’s how you know I’m being honest when I say they’re painfully uptight and overly prideful. If what you say is true, any one of them will deny it.” 

Gwyn didn’t much like what was being implied.

“Are you trying to say river nymphs are less than?”

She might not have known her grandmother but the insult still stood. 

Lucien gave her a empathic look, “I’m not so pretentious that I would look down upon someone for being what they are,” he defended, “River nymphs are beautiful in their way. It is a different beauty than that is the High Fae but that should not surprise you.” 

With him having spent so much time in the Spring Court, prior to the war, she was inclined to believe him. 

"I can’t say I know. I’ve never seen a river nymph myself,” she explained, “My life was spent in the temple. And after Hybern...until I met Nesta I spent my time buried in the library.”

His eyes grew sad on her behalf.

“Don’t do that,” she said, “Don’t look at me like I’m something to pity.” 

At her annoyed tone, he winced then conceded, “Very well.” 

Her watched his expression making certain he meant it, when it looked as though he did, she started again.

“May I confess something?” 

He cracked a small smile, “Who am I to say no when a female wishes to bare her soul to me.” 

She almost laughed. There would be no soul baring today, at least not from her. 

“I came here to meet you,” she confessed.

“Yet another admission I was not expecting,” he said, waiting for her continue. 

“I never cared much about my parentage for a long time. But lately...”

“You’ve started to wonder,” he finished. 

She nodded, “So, will you tell me about it? The Autumn Court that my mysterious grandfather is from.” 

His demeanor softened. 

“Ask and I will answer what I can, Little Red.” 

She grinned at the sudden nickname. She rather liked it.

---

Azriel had come back from his latest mission worn and with little good news to share.

When he’d told Rhys, his brother had made the decision that they needed meet with their allies to see if any of them knew anything else. And then discuss what contingency plans they needed to put in place. 

When Nesta and Cassian had shown up, he had been surprised to see Gwyn had come with them. She made some excuse about wanting to try and get out more, and he knew was not a total lie. But something told him it wasn’t the whole truth either. 

Rhys and Feyre had naturally welcomed the young woman into their home. Telling her to explore all she wanted while they discussed matters. Gwyn looked not the least bit put out about being excluded and took Feyre up on her offer to see the grounds. Before he had much of a chance to speak with her, she was gone. 

Leaving him distracted throughout much of meeting, his mind wondering where she was and what she was doing. He’d admit he did that a lot these days. 

He was none too pleased when he arrived in the shared living space to find Gwyn sitting beside a certain Autumn Court Exile. 

Azriel stared daggers at the male sitting across the room. It was certainly not the first time he’d done so where Lucien was concerned, and he suspected it would not be the last. 

As always, the other male ignored him.

Gwyn sat beside the Exiled Son of the Autumn Court, speaking animatedly.

Even Elain watched the pair, a blank expression on her face. Yet neither Lucien nor Gwyn seemed to detect their presence, or perhaps they were simply ignoring it.

No that wasn’t right. Gwyn would never do that. And Lucien, much as Azriel disliked the male, wouldn’t miss detecting his mate.

Lucien’s earlier laughter had surprised them all. It’d echoed down the halls so that they’d heard it even in the meeting room. Feyre had smiled, mentioning that it had been a long while since she’d heard the sound. 

They’d all wondered at the cause. Now he knew. 

The two of them sat huddled close. A strange sense of intimacy there. Surely, they’d only just met and yet they appeared at ease in one another’s company.

Jealously filled him. 

He believed Gwyn when she’d said they would move past the necklace situation. And for the most part, he felt they had. But he still sensed a level of reserve from her when they trained, when he’d greeted her earlier. He knew because he was much the same. 

But even before that he wasn’t sure they ever looked so easy around each other. 

It wasn’t fair. 

At that precise moment, Lucien got up as if to leave. Only then did the male seem to notice the rest of them standing there. He paid Azriel little to no mind, his eyes going first to his mate and then to the Rhys and Feyre who had just come up behind. Nesta and Cassian on their heels.

Since he’d come at the behest of the High Pair, he addressed them first. 

“And your decision?” he asked plainly.

Rhys was the one to answer, “We will do as discussed. Share our plans with Vassa.” 

Lucien nodded. Gwyn came up beside him. 

“Will you return soon?” she bid, “Tell me more stories of the Autumn Court?”

An uncomfortable silence followed. No one in the room spoke a word, while Lucien studied Gwyn. 

“I’m not sure,” the red-headed male answered reluctantly. 

Gwyn took in the rest of the room. No doubt feeling the tension. 

She turned back to Lucien.

“Oh, I mean not necessarily in an official capacity. You can just stop by to visit me,” she said with a grin. 

Azriel felt Elain tense beside him. 

Lucien chuckled, “I don’t think you realize how that sounds. But alright, I’ll try Little Red.” 

She smiled at the nickname. 

Azriel, on the other hand, was seething. 

To think the male would behave in such a way in front of his mate. Things between him and Elain had been uncomfortable as of late, partly due to the necklace incident but mostly because he’d realized his feelings weren’t what he’d once believed. Still, he cared about the female and he did not like to see her upset. Especially not by the male who was supposed to care for her the most. 

“Thanks, Grandpa,” Gwyn jested.

Wait, what?

Taking a quick glance around their circle, he realized everyone but Nesta looked equally confused at the comment. 

“Hey, don’t go blaming me for knocking up your grandmother,” Lucien answered in mock offense, almost smirking. 

“You don’t have any proof that you didn’t,” Gwyn shot back. 

“I should think I’d remember if I laid with a river nymph,” the male insisted. 

"You said it yourself that any member of the Autumn Court would deny such a thing,” she argued, “And while you might no longer belong to it, that court birthed and bred you.” 

Lucien laughed, “Alright enough with you, I’m off to do my job.” 

“Stay safe,” she said right as he winnowed away.

The other male’s smile was the last thing Azriel saw before he disappeared. 

Gwyn turned to Nesta, who had come up beside her, “I rather like him. It wouldn’t be so bad if he was my grandfather.” 

“Ah yes, what a delight that would be,” Nesta answered sarcastically.

Everything else seemed to fade into the background. He overheard Gwyn thanking Rhys and Feyre for allowing her into their home. The other’s spoke as well but he was no longer fully listening. The tension that had been building inside him slowly ebbed away. Gwyn wasn’t interested in the other male. At least not in the way he’d feared.

“Are you alright Az?” Mor asked from behind him. 

He turned to his friend, “Of course” he said without hesitation.

He wasn’t able to tell whether or not that was a lie.

He could hardly explain the relief he felt. 

Somehow Azriel had forgotten Cassian mentioning that Nesta and Emerie were trying to help Gwyn learn more about her family.

Nesta’s bringing her along now made sense. 

As if only now sensing his gaze on her Gwyn turned her head, eyes meeting his. She gave him a friendly smile. 

He smiled back. 

He needed to get ahold of himself, Gwyneth Berbara wasn’t his to lose.

She was his friend. Nothing more. 

~~~

@azrielsshadowsdanceforgwyn @bittermuire @ofstarsanddreams @corrdolium

@brucexselina @inejjg @rhysmoira @gwynnight @fairytamy @bluegold08 @amandapearls @highqueentaey @lioness-says @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @lovelywordsandwine

@my-fan-side 

~~~

Notes: This chapter was surprisingly more difficult than the others. Partly because there isn’t much direct Azriel and Gwyn interaction which is kind of what I’m living for at this point lol. But also because I was trying to capture some of Lucien’s humor as I remember him from Book 1. It was so long ago, but man I miss that guy. Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed it despite the lack of one on one in this chapter. Next chapter, promise. As always, share and comment as you please =D I love reading all of your comments <3

[krreader]

diamond maknae | struggles in tow.

pairing: min yoongi x diamond maknae (platonic) fandom: bts warnings: eighth member of bts!reader ; maknae!reader ; depression ; anxiety ; mentions of panic attacks genre: angst ; fluff word count: 1.3k+ other: for other dm content, pls check out my diamond maknae masterlist

summary: sometimes it was easier to see someone struggling when you’ve been in their shoes.. especially when that person is trying to hide it so badly..

a/n: I hope you like it love ♥

You couldn't quite pinpoint the exact moment that it became like this, but maybe it wasn't necessarily just one moment, but a bunch of them that got your mental state to where it was now.

The constant stress weighing you down, working even harder than all of the boys because you always felt like you had to 'make up for something', then, naturally, not being able to see friends or family much because of that, often being on your own and lonely, despite living with your brothers..

..your life might look like it was glorious and amazing and you were sure that a lot of girls would trade your life with theirs in an instant and without thinking twice, but behind the glitz and glam was a darkness that you kept hidden from the world, too afraid that if they saw it, they would judge you for it.

No, you never showed anyone that part of you.

That part, that made you cry in the middle of the night just because you were so damn sad, despite having every reason to be happy. That part that, made you lock yourself in the bathroom, slide down the door and sob for hours, shaking and not being able to breathe properly because of the anxiety that was suffocating you. That part that made you scared to go outside on your own, too afraid of.. well.. everything and everyone.

These days there were more parts you had to hide than you could show.

You thought about talking to someone about it, one of your members maybe, or maybe a friend in the industry, but you didn't want to show any weakness when nobody else was doing so either.

Yes, there could be a chance that most of them were all only pretending as well, but if so, then you didn't want to be the only one who stopped pretending.

You had to be strong.

And well, you thought being strong meant not getting any help. From anyone.

Today was supposed to be a day like any other, except that it was concert day.

Japan, to be exact.

You haven't had a good night's sleep, got up super early to practice some more, and were now having rehearsals for the upcoming show tonight.

Someone was talking, but you couldn't hear it. As your eyes stared at the empty arena, all you could hear was a buzzing noise.

So many people.. yet again, looking at you with nothing but expectations to give them the best show they've ever seen. So much excitement to finally see their idol, their role-model, the perfect (Y/N).

You gulped down hard, started to fidget with your microphone.. something that one member noticed.

Yoongi had been listening carefully to instructions, but you had worried him ever since he saw you this morning.

Your dark circles were worse than ever and he could tell that you've gotten up earlier than the rest to practice some more. And the way your hands were shaking right now, the way you couldn't focus on anything.. he knew these symptoms.. he used to suffer from them and even know, from time to time, found himself falling back into that dark hole that Bangtan once pulled him out of.

While the rest of the boys continued to listen, Yoongi made his way over to you and gently took the microphone out of your hand.

“You've been hiding it well, you know?”

You didn't look up.. didn't answer. Just watched him repair your microphone.. 'repair'. It wasn't even broken, you just needed to keep busy to distract yourself.

“Only someone who's been through what you're going through can tell.. I have known for a while, but I had hoped you might open up to me on your own at some point.. but I don't think you will. Because you're too scared of what will happen if you do.”

Yoongi gently cupped your chin and made you look up at him.

“You've seen my struggles in videos, you've heard them in my lyrics, but I never really told you about them.. maybe it's time you and I have that talk now.”

Your eyes began to water, nodding once, twice and then lowering your head like you were ashamed, but Yoongi wouldn't have any of that.

“Namjoon,” Yoongi waited until the leader was looking at him, “We'll take a short break, okay?”

“Sure.. you guys go ahead.”

He led you backstage into the green room, making sure it was empty, before sitting down on a couch with you.

The room was filled with silence, the occasional laughter and happiness of your members through the microphones could be heard as they were still outside on stage, but nothing else.

It wasn't uncomfortable though, for neither of you.

Because you were both used to the silence.. you were relishing it the rare moments that you got it.

“You know.. throughout my whole life, I thought that depression was just something I had to live with. That there was no cure for it.. because nobody ever talks about mental health in this country. It's something that people simply don't think exists, or they laugh it off as if it's not that bad and tell you that you’ll get over it eventually. But depression, panic attacks.. these things should be talked about and they should be taken seriously,” Yoongi slid a little closer to you and grabbed your hand, “I was so afraid to talk at first. I thought people would laugh at me if I said I was depressed, because why would I have any reason to be, right? The guys figured something was wrong sooner or later. I kept telling them I was fine.. until I wasn't. Until I broke down right in front of them, sobbed my eyes out and couldn't stop.. I couldn't tell them what was wrong, because I cried so much that I couldn't talk anymore and all they could do was watch and hold me. After that day, it was clear that I needed to do something.. that if I continued to keep it to myself, these outbursts would happen more often, maybe on stage and.. well, one time it did.. I'm sure you saw that clip.”

You nodded, not looking at him, though, “Did the guys help you?”

“No.. well, yeah. They were there for me, cheered me up, or at least tried to, but what I really needed and what really helped me was therapy. Someone who had an outside perspective, someone who had the resources and the knowledge to help me. I went there almost three months, every week at least twice and I still go every now and then when I feel like I need to. Talking to someone, reaching out to someone.. getting help from someone.. that is not a weakness, sweetheart,” Yoongi's thumb gently brushed over the back of your hand, “I know that is what you are thinking because, I hate to admit it, but you're too much like me. You're afraid of showing the world the true you, because you're afraid the world is going to hate you for it.”

“You're you, Yoongi,” you looked up, a lonely tear running out of your eye, “But I'm me. If I come clean, people will attack me right away. Some of them are just waiting for me to slip up, so they finally have a reason why I should leave the group and let you guys be on your own again.”

“I'm not saying you should make a social media post saying: 'I'm depressed'. I'm saying stop putting on a smile when you don't feel like it. Why do you think I'm wearing face masks and hats that cover everything? Because sometimes I can't smile, there are just days that suck.. and because we're in a business where people watch our every move, these masks and hats allow us to at least not pretend,” when you were silent for another moment, Yoongi pulled you close against him and kissed the top of your head, “You're not alone, (Y/N). There are so many people with your struggles out there, you are not weird because you have these horrible thoughts. But there are ways to help you.. and I think therapy might be a good start.”

“But the rest of the guys..-”

“Don't have to know,” he interrupted right away, “This'll be our little secret for a while.. until you're ready to share it with them. And if you never are, then that's okay too.”

He gave you hope that day.

Hope, that you didn't always have to live with your struggles. That not being okay was okay. That you weren't weird.

With his help, you were able to end the concert tonight with a smile.

A genuine one.

With Yoongi's hand holding yours, making sure you knew that you’d never walk alone.

Not this path and not any other either.

He’d always be by your side.

[faerielleart]

✨I feel you! I can already smell the angst from way over here. Fluff for the soul it is! I’ll throw in some comfort (maybe!) for good measure!

Are you leaning towards modern AU or Canon universe?

Also you have any little HCs or tropes you like🥚?

🤍, 🐇

me already feeling my heart burst from joy [virtually pets the bunny emoji]

aaa i’ll leave you to make that choice bb 🥺

let me rant about a few headcanons let’s GO

for canon era, i like to think that hanji probably skipped a ton of meals (not on purpose, they were just SO engrossed in paperwork and research and whatnot), so levi took a trip into the kitchens every single night and cooked a nice meal for his commander, even super late at night, entered hanji’s room without knocking, tool all the papers and sat his ass on them, refusing to move until hanji finishes all the food lol i like to imagine he’d cook hanji’s fav dish a lot, something with potatoes maybe? like baked potato cakes with cheese and greens on the side with a warm cup of tea, or a warm soup for cold nights. according to chuugakkou levi’s a great cook so i feel like he’d be good in canon too :’D

also i like to think that they probably slept together (i mean literally, like in the same bed, not having sex) A LOT due to night terrors, just hearing each other’s breathing and feeling the other’s body warmth close to them is enough to calm them down so i feel like it became a habit for them to just sleep in the same bed, not necessarily cuddling; at least, not voluntarily lmao they’re far too awkward 😩 but in the morning they ALWAYS wake up holding esch other, cue them being awkward as fuck i might be tearing up a little at the thought of levi being a lil spoon and being half awake half asleep cuddling closer to hanji bc “oh who cares it’s a dream” AND THEN NOTICING THAT HE’S AWAKE LMAOOO HIS SOUL WOULD LEAVE HIS BODY especially bc hanji wakes up in that precise moment and is literally holding him super tight around the waist, legs thrown over his, my god they would both DIE from embarrassment they’d jump away from each other so fast- bye this is too adorable for me i’m going to have a heart attack

hanji probably cries every now and then at night and tries to be as quiet as possible, levi sneakily grabs their hand just to let them know he’s there, no words exchanged between them bc they don’t need it. just falling asleep holding hands. maybe when levi’s brave enough, maybe after emptying a bottle of whiskey in his evening tea, he’d even rub his thumb a lil over hanji’s palm just because it’s ticklish and he wants to hear hanji laugh. also if he’s asleep and having a nightmare, tossing and turning, hanji would stroke his hair and maybe hum a melody because levi once told them his mother used to do that. LITERALLY THE THOUGHT OF THESE FOOLS BEING ABLE TO DO BOLD FLUFFY SHIT ONLY WHEN THE OTHER’S ASLEEP MAKES ME SCREAM I HATE THEM SO MUCH god i hate them

onto the angstier shit bc a sprinkle of angst is always good, they definitely cuddled in the forest. hear me out, it’s absolutely realistic to assume that their clothes were soaking wet and being in a forest at night is cold as fuck, realistically they would’ve had to strip and make skin-to-skin contact or they would have died of hypothermia. it’s what happens in real life, it’s safe to assume it happened off screen. just like the cpr come on? you don’t get water out of your lungs without cpr

oh i might have said this already once, but i think they were mistaken for a married couple all the time tbh? like onyankopon in the first months of knowing them would suddenly say shit like “hanji-san your husband is a bit scary i hope you’re not offended” and hanji would get the blue screen of death in their brain “??£]£>${£>£{£{$> HUSBAND????? HUSBAND, LIKE MARRIED HUSBAND? HUSBAND THAT I MARRIED IN A MARRIAGE??????” levi too probably would get teased by yelena “i don’t understand how hanji-san married a short fucker like you you’re as ugly as a butthole and unpleasant in every single way” levi would not answer bc his brain is too busy processing the word “married”

ONTO MUSHIER STUFF let’s say they overcome the awkwardness and a kiss or two happen,,,, i feel like there’d be a lot of casual pecks??? like waking up in the morning KISS or “i’m going to take a shit wait for me” kiss, distracted kiss when hanji’s doing paperwork and levi needs to leave the room, just them being so comfortable around each other that physical contact happens without them even thinking about it

for modern era, hear me out, they’re totally childhood friends. probably neighbors. levi’s maybe 2 years older, but hanji gets a growth sprout in middle school and now you’ve got levi, a highschooler, shorter than a middle schooler difjsmek

in elementary school hanji gets picked on a lot, levi is their personal bodyguard and scares away all the bullies, but pretends he only did it to build a scary reputation, tsundere child blushing and stuttering “I-IT’S NOT LIKE I DID IT FOR YOU OR ANYTHING,,,,, DUMBASS,,,,,,,,,” but hanji knows lmao and calls him “my knight” and levi Dies every single time. kuchel teases the fuck out of him

hanji gifts levi the most random things and levi keeps EVERYTHING he has a secret special box under his bed and he has kept everything hanji’s ever given him since the day they met. even candy wrappers. everything. hanji finds it one day and levi Dies inside but it’s the cutest most endearing thing in the world and holy fuck they’re so in love literally soulmates

hanji probably has a family cat who is really really ugly and old and grumpy and absolutely HUGE who hates everyone but for some reason he got super attached to levi and always sits on his head. levi pretends to hate it more than Anything but hanji’s seen him tons of times giving him treats despite how much he says “get this fat sack of fleas off of me it’s UNSANITARY”

they probably start to date out of high school bc they were too awkward to do so earlier, even if they probably kissed quite a few times “just to see what the fuss is all about”. their parents probably knew they’d be married one day as early as elementary school ☠️ they’re too obvious

i feel like they’d definitely have children tbh 100% as an accident tho, just to make this completely self indulgent imma say they have triplets, weird uncommon pregnancy for the weirdest most uncommon of couples LEVI BEST DAD he’d be a stay at home dad while hanji works as a scientist in a lab and please. please just imagine three tiny daughters who look just like him but have hanji’s nose and attitude who have him wrapped around their little fingers i’m going to lkterally combust

yeah parents lh having cute tea parties with their bbs??? sign me the FUCK up

my fav tropes are hurt/comfort literally anything that involves character A being sad and character B doing the most to cheer them up [chef’s kiss] plus disgustingly mushy mutual pining and slow burn that makes me tear my hair out waiting for the fucking tension to be resolved i love torturing myself,,,,, i really fucking love forehead kisses okay i feel like levi has a permanent indent in his forehead due to the gargantuan amount of fat smooches hanji has given him in his life

thank your for visiting my askbox again dear bunny 🐰 i hope to hear from you again soon hehe ✨

[derangedroyalfae]

Sunday, April 18, 2021 - 10:00pm

{mostly taken from a conversation with my best friend, Jem - there were some bits that I thought were worded well}

Royal (2:26 PM): Sometimes I think about taking antidepressants again if only to numb the pain. And then I remember how it made me too numb and to everything, so then I think about drinking or doing edibles, but then it still sounds awful and could possibly amplify those feelings (as alcohol usually does make me feel more upset). And that’s sometimes why self-harm becomes a substitute, because it ether distracts from those feelings or even makes you feel like your receiving punishment for whatever you’re upset about. But I know self-harm turns into a loop of guilt and shame and worrying about worrying others.

Jem (2:27 PM): I haven't heard the same about edibles that I hear about alcohol

Or marijuana in general I suppose

Royal (2:28 PM): Weed scares me. Like I’m worried I’ll have a reaction because whenever people smoke or cook it around me, I get super sick feeling. I also know Kitty had a bad reaction to edibles, like gave her ultra anxiety and hallucinations or something like that.

Jem (2:29 PM): Ah, gotcha I myself am allergic so I can't say I've tried it myself either

Royal (2:29 PM): I think I might be allergic and I don’t wanna find out the hard way

When people smoke/cook it around me, I get nauseous and a headache

Jem (2:32 PM): Yeah, I used to have two roommates that both smoked weed in our tiny apartment I used to have near constant headache until I moved out the next year

Royal (2:33 PM): I wish I could just remove those negative feelings I have: anger, sadness, jealousy, dysphoria, etc Put them somewhere far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, and wouldn’t have to hurt others because of them

(I tend to use dysphoria for myself as an in general term, not just with gender dysphoria, btw)

Jem (2:34 PM): Aah, yeah, I get you

Royal (2:38 PM): But even though I’m scared I’ll have a bad reaction, I’m mighty tempted to ask Hummingbird if I can try one of her edible gummies rn...

Jem (2:41 PM): I wonder if there's a way to try it in a safe/monitored way

Royal (2:41 PM): Well, if I do just one gummy

With their supervision

So if I have a bad reaction, they can watch over me or drive me to the urgent care

I love how it’s called urgent care but usually has like an hour or longer wait

Jem (2:43 PM): Ah yeah, that'd be the best way to do it Keep the phone handy too

Royal (2:45 PM): Hey, at the very least, doesn’t look like it has any interactions with my cholesterol medication

Jem (2:46 PM): That's good to know

Royal (2:50 PM): I don’t think I’ll actually follow through with it or anything, just my mind thinking of solutions

I’m feeling calmer now anyway

For now

{And then proceeded to draw this (it’s an idea I’ve had this idea for a long time now, especially since the first time I experienced extreme jealousy with Capy, but never had the courage to follow through since I’ve never done inking and rarely traditional colour, but I finally worked up the motivation to try, and honestly, it’s perfect timing as it was therapeutic to draw)}:

Royal (8:09 PM): Random question, I’m curious your thoughts on this: do you think it’s insensitive to joke about getting with other people when you’re in a relationship, especially/at least in front of your partner (at least if the two of you haven’t established a non-monogamous relationship), and even more so if you know your partner is dealing with jealousy issues?

Jem (8:12 PM): I’d think so, yeah

It's definitely odd

Unless it's like, I donno, a celebrity or something

But even then, it'd make me wonder why someone would say that if they knew already their partner was having issues

Royal (8:12 PM): Like someone they know/knew or met in the past, but 100% out of the picture now

So it’s def not a celeb

Jem (8:14 PM): Yeah then even without the jealousy issues, unless that's some sort of pre-established shared humor, it's kinda weird

Royal (8:15 PM): K, I was curious what you’d think

I agree with that too, it just feels really insensitive, at least if you’re monogamous

{Whilst I never told Jem what it was about, it has to do with something similar that had happened earlier today - though I am not technically in a monogamous relationship, so the above can’t fully apply to me. But to explain this better, I’ll have to jump back to something that happened in December 2020.

Capybara had told me about how there was this really attractive lecturer he met in the past whom if I remember correctly, spoke Greek, so his friend got him a Greek dictionary to help him try to impress her, but he never really ran into her again. I had made a comment that you know, guess it worked out for the better because then we would have never become a thing should he have actually succeeded in getting with her. And he made a joke that wasn’t the case or a joke that brushed off what I said as almost nothing. I knew he was joking, but it was kinda a really emotional time for everyone and I’m still even to this day working through my newfound romantic/sexual jealousy issues, so I took it kinda harsh at first and then eventually told him that same night how that kinda made me feel shitty.

Well, today, we were gaming with one of his friends (super great, hardworking, and nice lad) that we often play Sea of Thieves with and it turns out that was the same friend who got him the Greek dictionary, so it somehow got brought up in conversation…and just…they were joking that Capybara was Odysseus and this other woman was Odysseus’s wife and they’d find each other again one day. I can’t remember which character they assigned the friend but they were saying I could be one of the gods, and I’ll be honest, didn’t handle that situation the best, so I made a off hand comment of something like, “Guess I can be Athena or Aphrodite since they’re the jealous types, guess that works pretty well.” Don’t know if they picked up the hint. I don’t know if they were at all thinking about how this was something awkward for me, cuz I’m pretty sure the friend is aware that I’m dating Capy and is supposed to assume we’re monogamous as Capybara doesn’t really feel comfortable letting his friends or family know I have other partners. It just also happened to be a sore topic for me, cuz when Capy made that joke, even though I knew it was nothing more than a joke, it made me feel like nothing and replaceable, which I already see myself as.

Just to kinda let Capybara know that I’d prefer the topic to be dropped, I messaged him privately: “So I just remembered, it was you talking about that Greek dictionary thing to impress that girl and making a joke that like, meeting me wasn’t for the better cuz she’s still out there that kinda made me feel like shit even though it was a joke”

To which he responded with: “she's a lecturer my dude 😂 she's like in her 40's - don't worry”

And I replied with: “No I know, but it was more of the joke that followed that rubbed me wrong. At the time”

And he just sent these two emoji’s in response: 😧 😕

Immediately after our messages, as we had still been playing, he went dead silent and so I noticed this (not sure if the friend did at first) and I at first just tried to silently apologize in DM, cuz I hadn’t meant to upset him, but he still remained silent. So shortly after, I asked if we should call it quits even though it was early. I felt so guilty and I immediately sent him more apology messages and even an apology voice memo, but I assumed he turned his phone off by that point.

Once again, my jealousy got the best of me and I hurt the person I love most in the world and made a fun time involving friends go awkward. I was having a good early afternoon/late morning with him at first, and then I ruined it because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my jealousy under control. I’m such an asshole.}

Royal (8:22 PM): Off topic, but still on the issue of jealousy, I feel like when I have jealousy issues myself at the point I’m at, it’s like a double headed snake due to me being in a polyamorous relationship - one head are just the pre-established toxic/venomous things that come with jealousy and the other head is the guilt and shame of feeling I have no right to be jealous when I have two other partners myself thus making me feel hypocritical (and being ignorant of any potential jealousy from other partners)

It feels like those two snake heads could eat me alive with just a few bites each if I let them in

It’s such a viscous cycle and honestly, the basic head of jealousy is enough of a problem that turns my stomach, but the second head just makes me want to surrender to the earth

Jem (8:28 PM): I get you It's a lot

Emotions are hard

Royal (8:28 PM): Especially when they revolve around something or someone you already have such an emotional attachment with

And then those feelings, like feelings of jealousy, only end up making you hurt the ones you love

Making them feel guilty or annoyed or like you don’t trust them or something

Jem (8:31 PM): Tbh, as someone who generally struggles with a lot of jealousy type issues, I get that (not necessarily romantic jealousy even, but just there's undercurrents of it that are always there and present in every relationship)

I don't think it's something that can ever be fully dealt with and just I guess has to be accepted and worked around At least for me

Royal (8:33 PM): And it makes you wonder if you truly care for those if you’re so easily jealous of them, since they tell you that shouldn’t feel that way if you really love someone, that you should be able to love them blindly and trust them, and it’s not like I don’t trust, but I feel so easily discardable by those who I could never even fathom of turning my back on

Royal (8:34 PM): Honestly, I’ve even felt some jealousy toward you in the past - not romantically - but it was something I worked on

Jem (8:34 PM): What if I were to say same though haha

Royal (8:34 PM): You seemed to be doing so well with you VN and you picked up art so fast

Jem (8:35): Aah for me it's always revolving around

My need for attention tbh

Royal (8:35 PM): But I told myself, “you just need to keep trying. Feeling negatively toward someone success is selfish and gets you nowhere. Improve yourself and you can also feel that success. He’s not succeeding to hurt you in anyway - you should be happy for him.”

Or like, probably not those exact words, but ya know, that idea

Royal (8:36 PM): Yeah, I understand that too, especially growing up in a family of 6

That kinda happened the other day with Kitty (whom at this point my feelings are pretty platonic) - for over a week now I’ve been telling the girls about a game (For the King) I’ve been interested in playing with them, and the other day, Hummingbird went on a social distancing date with Crystal, so I asked Kitty if she’d like to play with me since it’d be just the two of us and she agreed. However, she had a headache, so we thought it’d be best if she napped first and if she felt better later on then we could play. When she woke up, Lapis hit her up for some gaming and Kitty decided to game with her instead and forgot she agreed to game with me...

Jem (8:41 PM): Ah, that kinda thing really sticks with me

Royal (8:41 PM): And so I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I should just stop asking them if they wanna game with me, because it’s not the first time something like this has happened (at least they don’t follow through, not a matter of them deciding to do something with someone else)

Like, I made the Murder Beans server so Capybara and Kitty (and Hummingbird if she ever decided to get Among Us) could game with my friends in the CSR Creations server, and that was back in fall...the girls never joined a game even when showing express interest and saying they would

Kitty also once went and bought Lapis like the whole Halo Master Chief Collection for Lapis cuz she was broke and wanted it, and the proceeded to play it with her and Hummingbird...and like...I also would have liked to have played Halo with them if given the opportunity, but I was never asked

Sheezus, don’t even get me started in my family and how invisible they made me feel

But yeah, I’m at a point with the girls that I don’t think it’s even worth bothering to ask anymore, at least about gaming

Hummingbird’s confusion and migraines are also coming back, so she has a legit medical excuse and I can’t really bother her about it

Jem (8:48 PM): I get you, yeah

All of those things would really bother me too They have in the past

I remember when I first joined UCSD, I started hanging out often with the girls that lived around me in the dorms And we all started watching Orphan Black together

And then I literally had no idea when they finished the show because after the first couple sessions they forgot to invite me

Royal (8:51 PM): Oof, yeah, that’d bother me too, or at least tell me how they felt about me in my mind

I don’t think with my jealousy, it’s a matter of not trusting my partner or friends or whomever, it’s just a matter of feeling such low self-worth that I feel easy to discard, and when I get brushed to the side or have someone joking along the lines as how dating me wasn’t for the better when someone else is out there, it furthers those feelings I have about myself, those feelings of self-worth and how I’m replaceable or not worth shit

Jem (8:54 PM): I get you I know mine stems from feeling forgettable

Royal (8:54 PM): I know I’m an annoying person, I know I can be a lot and emotionally draining, I know I can be hypersensitive - so I know it feels like it’d be better to be rid of that sort of force if you can find someone better who doesn’t make you feel the way I’d do

(In response to feeling forgettable) Yeah

If you remove the fun hair, piercings, and tattoo, I’m actually quite a boring person

And I’m quite isolated. If you don’t include my partners, there’s only really two people who come to mind that I’d consider close friends that I can talk to: you and someone else (you’ve never met her)

I’m getting to a point where I have a hard time talking to the girls due to the guilt I feel about me more or less wanting to be platonic with them, and then Hummingbird is constantly having a medical crisis and I’d feel bad burdening her further

So really, I’m isolated down to two people, primarily you, + Capybara, and yeah, that’s my own fault

I feel easily exhausted by my other options at this point, where I feel like I can only take Candy in small doses (which feels really hypocritical of me) and my other VA friends or gaming friends, I don’t know if I’m close enough to have those kinds of conversations with, especially the VA friends since I tend to be their boss

For the most part, the other people I’d sometimes talk about these issues with are on servers that are primarily dead, so it feels awkward to hop back in only to bitch about my life

Besides, I hate seeming like I’m only spewing forth toxicity and negative emotions over and over again

Which I worry I do too much with you as is

[jakeperalta]

Hi. So I noticed something interesting about Taylor's albums last night and kinda my ranking. So I knew Taylor since her debut album when I heard Teardrops but I didnt fully get into her until about when I was 12 and Fearless came out. Up until 1989, all the stuff she released was when I was in high school, and 1989 was released right after I graduated. This could be a reason why i dont usually listen to her old albums anymore and just pick my fav songs from the album..idk. The thing is, I always felt like I related to Taylor cuz she was the weird girl in high school outsider and she always wrote about boys and breakups, but as time went on..I couldnt really relate but I still had a crush I guess so kinda. But then she switched to pop, and the music was just vibes and kinda about her journey so I could relate it to her mostly, instead of myself..and I haven't liked anyone in forever. So 1989 was about finding herself..then Rep was about her reputation.. and Lover was also her and Joe. Then she released Folklore and I was hoping for stuff to relate to...Lover was a very hard sad period in my life but it made me feel better in a way..but now I hoped for stuff to relate to which is why I loved Taylor in the first place. Folklore wasnt that, but I still loved the stories and I guess creating my own to make it fit somewhat. However besides Evermore and Long Story Short, I cant do that at all with Evermore..and it's kinda back to breakup stuff that I dont relate to at all so idk. I guess the point is, I figured out why I dont really revisit her old music cuz it reminds me of specific times in my life..why I seemed to enjoy her pop albums more at the time..cuz i had nothing as difficult going on in my life..and why it took me so long to love Folklore. Evermore is complicated..I like it, but I guess it doesnt have a lot of favorites for me ..its easy to just play but I guess would have more skips or for a certain mood. It reminds me of Red in that way. It makes a lot more sense to me to skip sad songs than any of her pop stuff..so Rep has no skips for me lol but I guess that's just me. Now I'm kinda in this weird phase where I only like certain sad songs or I'm always looking for stuff that has meaning to me, but I also enjoy pop music I guess. Realizing this, now I dont really know what I would want next from Taylor..more pop or more songwriting..cuz I loved Folklore now but not Evermore as much. Some people say Evermore is poppier and she was able to combine pop with this kind of songwriting..but idk why cuz it's more country to me. I dont see how she could have this kinda lyrics or style if she ever went back to pop, cuz I kinda thought it was just cuz of the pandemic, but who knows.I guess I just want lyrics that are more relatable or can be about anything..not a fan of some specific lyrics unless it's a story. An example of this and music I like every song is Hayley William's newest album Flowers for Vases and anything by Best Coast and Soccer Mommy. This is an example of slow sad, alternative music I wanted or was expecting Folklore to be. Sorry this is so all over the place..I guess it's just my thoughts and how it changed over time, but also what her career will be like going forward but I'll always love her no matter what.

yeah i think it’s totally natural that we relate to music differently depending where we’re at in life and come to associate certain albums with specific time periods, whether positively or negatively. i feel similarly about 1989 and identifying it more with her. i think with more upbeat pop music we automatically focus less on the lyrics anyway and then i tend to associate the songs a lot more with her than identifying them with myself the way i do some of her stuff - for me that was a pretty bad time so i just sort of got absorbed into her whole story about like being in new york, finding herself etc. it’s nice to have more fun happy albums as a distraction in bad times but also nice to feel like she’s putting into words how you feel (which she does so well!). i think the style of writing in folklore and especially evermore doesn’t really do that in the same way as her earlier stuff. for me currently i guess i’m in more of a phase where i don’t feel the need to relate as much which is why i’m enjoying folklore and evermore a lot, but in the past and inevitably again in the future i’ll be listening to taylor really wanting to get that sort of connection from it and will probably end up going back to other albums (depending what it is i want to relate to).

it’s so hard to predict what she’ll do next! i do agree with you that evermore leans more country than pop and i can definitely see her doing more pop but i don’t know how that would necessarily mesh with this recent writing style, whereas country does probably work better because it’s more songwriting based. overall i’m always a fan of slower/more stripped back music from any artist (which is why for me rep has some songs i absolutely love but also more skips than others!) but at the same time it would be nice to get more upbeat stuff again!

[madzilla84]

update

Did anyone ask for one? No. Does anyone want it? Probably not … I guess there’s still some small part of me that misses having a Livejournal.

In general, things have been - better. I started going outside a bit more from late-ish July, but honestly I don’t know if I started feeling better because I started going out, or if I started going out because I was feeling better…? A mystery. But mood tracking app - surely a reliable source of mental health info lmao - seems to agree:

(woohoo, only ‘significant burden’! i think that’s about the best you could hope for in 2020. and this was a few weeks ago, and I feel better now than I did then, so.)

I’ve been off work for the last 3 weeks - nothing wrong, just 2 weeks of scheduled annual leave, which I needed very much (I think part of why I was feeling bad was because I hadn’t had a break since February), and last week I had a week of jury duty. The break was much needed and I can feel the difference.

I started exercising again in July, and ugggggggh ok fine I admit I do feel better because of it. I’m never gonna be a gym bunny, I’ll probably never *love* it but I can’t deny the benefits. I go 3 times a week which is enough for me. (Though I only went twice last week and this week - last week I was pretty wrecked after court each day and this week I am focussing on being lazy.) Going outside again was strange at first, like the previous 4 months hadn’t happened, but it didn’t take long to feel (mostly) normal again.

I’ve also had a couple of social things, which has been nice - one lunch out at an outdoor restaurant, and one bbq at a friend’s house. (She moved in recently at the end of my street; while I was sitting in her living room I could look out of the window at my own flat. Weird!) I’ve been thinking a lot about Dan’s tweet about who he realised he wants in his life after lockdown, and it’s just. Interesting.

I’m DELIGHTED it’s September and the start of the best months, the -embers and -obers; it’s still pretty warm and mostly sunny here but it’s really nice, the bite’s gone out of the warmth. Not long now until it Gs the FO entirely. \o/ I’m still playing Animal Crossing every day, (unlike some people, smh poor abandoned Pickle). 

Jury duty last week was fascinating. I didn’t even know if I’d get picked - they call more than twice as many people as they need in case anyone can’t do it for whatever reason (if one of the lawyers is a family friend or something), but I did end up being chosen. (No. 12!!) We were the first post-covid jury, and the first socially distanced one. 

I *can* talk about the case now it’s over, but I don’t think I will, because the subject matter could be pretty triggering, but it was often a tough week given the nature of it. Having said that, something about it was very satisfying. It was fascinating to see how the courts and lawyers worked, and the whole process, and it was good to work with the other jurors. (Days on end of talking to actual humans was actually pretty good, for the most part.) We were all just thrown together, and we had differences of opinion of course, but it was still a good experience to work with them. It felt good to be part of something like that, something that mattered, and to feel like a part of the community in such a real way. I can be quite good at putting aside emotion to look at the letter of the law, which in a case like this can be very challenging; some of the other jurors struggled with it a great deal. (This isn’t to blow my own trumpet or anything; many would argue it was *me* who had the problem, in much the same way they often say lawyers are heartless, which isn’t true most of the time)

The case ended up being dismissed as the jury couldn’t reach a consensus - we got slated on social media (which of course I didn’t look at during the case, I caught up after), but we all stuck to our convictions and I know it was right; there’s a lot the public didn’t know or understand. As tough a case as it was, I’m glad I got to do it, it was a privilege in many ways. (But, I wouldn’t mind if it was a long time until I had to do it again, you know? lol.)

We had our phones taken from 9-5 while we were working - it’s the law - and I thought it was gonna be the worst after being glued to it constantly, but it was actually quite nice lmao. Not that I didn’t end up glued to it again once the case was over.

Fandom-wise, I have - finally - ended up taking a step back from the phandom a little bit in the last month or two. I want to talk about that a bit because it’s a complicated topic, and I see a lot of concerning posts - mainly on Twitter - that if you don’t maintain a certain level of dedication, if you join another fandom or get into something else or aren’t sufficiently devoted and supportive you - aren’t a true fan? Or something? Lots of posts along the lines of, ‘all these people getting into kpop/tv show/whatever, smh, don’t think we won’t remember when dan’s project drops and you all come running back’. It’s just a bit - weird? Like, it’s *perfectly normal* if people get into other stuff while dnp are cooking whatever they’re cooking (or not cooking, or whatever)? Or just move on, but still enjoy D&P? 

I’m not, like, dramatically leaving the fandom or anything. Hell, I haven’t *left* the fandom at all, I’m still here every day, it’s - more of a mental shift. Because prior to July/August-ish this year I really wasn’t in a good place with it. I wrote a thing earlier this year about struggling with writing, and belonging while not being a content creator, and other things … the issue is that, as I tend to do with my fandoms, I get too overinvested. And sometimes, that’s okay - whatever gets you through the night and all that - but in this case, I wasn’t enjoying it any more. Some parts I was - I’ve made the best friends I’ve ever had in a fandom here, and I really like seeing everyone on here - but in general, I was spending a lot of my time feeling anxious, resentful, worried, angry and frustrated. I spent a lot of last year and almost all of this one waiting for Godot; hating the “new normal” and desperately waiting for - something that’s never going to come. I just couldn’t deal with it; probably for reasons bigger than just D&P but that’s how it manifested. I got more and more frustrated by the content we were getting because it wasn’t what I’d hoped, and I hated feeling like that. It took up way too much of my thoughts and every day was just waiting, and wondering, and worrying. And I got so, so sick of it.

So, where am I now? Well, it was inevitable really, but I just started to - let go, a bit. I didn’t throw my hands up and go, ’bah, screw these guys!’, my mental focus just shifted (for my own good), and I started focussing on other things. Other fandoms. Games and hobbies I can distract myself with. I’ll admit it wouldn’t necessarily have been my *choice*, you know? But reality is what it is and I’m - relieved, really, that I’m not unnecessarily tormenting myself about it any more. It took me a long time to reach this place - too long, really - and, for now at least, it’s kind of nice. I can just enjoy things if/when they pop up without the accompanying sadness and anger about how everything is changed, about what has ended and what I’ve “lost”. (And it’s not 100%, by the way; it’s still there, just - quiet, now.) I can look at, I dunno, someone’s gifs of Dan or whatever, and just smile about it rather than feeling that grief. (Or, feel it, but not to the exclusion of everything else.) It’s - nicer.

And it isn’t at *all* that I don’t care any more, I still love them, of course I do, and will continue to follow them and watch everything they do. I’m not going anywhere. I still have notifs on, though they don’t quite send my heart into my throat like they did. ;) In a way it’s helping me love them more, because now when I watch them I enjoy it more, appreciating the fun and the bants without laser-focussing on my own anger and sadness. I’m still attending our little daily phannie watch-alongs, where we watch a couple of eps of DAPG and an anime. I’m still on phandom tumblr/twitter on the daily. It just - has a slightly smaller portion of my brain and mental energy now.

It was a step I needed to take, but also one I’m not sure I could have *chosen* to take, not without deliberately leaving and cutting it all off completely? And I didn’t want to do that. I’d hoped I’d get to this place earlier than this - some 20 months after the fact - but better late than never, I suppose.

(Also, disclaimer - fandom and the human heart are funny things, and I fully accept I can and probably will be sucked completely back in at any time.)

Anyway! SEE YOU AT THE QUIZ :D

[indelwen-of-mirkwood]

He Can Still Love: Part 3

A/N: It’s been a while, so here’s another chapter. Thanks for all the support. Trying to get rid of the hated writers block.

The gentle glow of light danced on your skin, it’s warm wrapping you. You let out a small sigh, relaxing your body one more time before having to get up from your comfortable bed. One of your eyes opened as you heard the sound of feet shuffling through the now open door of your room. One of the servants had brought in a food tray, the scent of warm pastries filling the air.

You slowly lifted yourself up to sit with your back on the plush pillows, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Why are we not having breakfast in the dining room?” You ask as your eyes follow the tray, until it was set down on your night table.

The servant curtsied, her simple green dress clasped in her hands, “My lady, they said that you will be riding out to Mirkwood earlier than expected,” she began to say, “you are to meet your family at the front gates in two hours.”

When she walked away you cracked your neck in annoyance, you were not at all ready you leave 3 days earlier. You didn’t have the time to say goodbye to the friendly servants, not get one more stroll through the kingdom. When you reached for the tray you almost let it slip from your hands, adding more frustration to your brow.

Once you had wiped off all of the flakes from your fingers, and cleaned off your bed, you were slightly calmer. You were at least glad to know that your parents would stay at Mirkwood for a week.

After setting up the bath yourself, you dipped into the warm water. Lush scents of bath oils filled your senses. You closed your eyes and took deep breaths, enjoying every second of it.

Once you were done you stood in front of the mirror, hands tracing the newly tailored riding outfit. Your fingers gently felt over the sturdy breeches, the silk-like texture of the tunic satisfying to the touch.

As you fixed your hair you walked around the room, feeling the cool breeze enter your room from the balcony. You went outside to get one more view, below it were the gardens, green mixed with all sort of colors dotted the earth there. You could hear the melodious sound of birds chirping, their voices making you smile. To the right you were able to hear people talking in the distance, some of the stablehands were already bringing out the horses, your parents carriage was already polished and waiting.

When you saw a tall silver haired elf walk down the marble front stairs, you heart leaped a tiny bit. Your teeth clenched in your bottom lip, you knew what this meant. And you couldn’t believe that it had coke down to this, honestly it was no surprise, Thranduil was tall, handsome, and you didn’t know much about him. For now you pushed the feelings aside, they couldn’t get in the way of things.

Then you walked out of the room, giving it one last survey. You would miss it’s painted walls, the view, all the memories you got when you were a mere child. As you made your way down the halls, you could hear servants following in behind you, retrieving the chests of packed clothes and necessities from your room.

Your head was held high, face still and calm, although this want necessarily the way you felt inside. Your heart was aching a little, you had known you would leave your home for a long time, but it seems your don’t really understand the conditions until you experience them.

When you reached outside, you took one last glance at the entryway. You would miss every little crack in the marble, every stain of moss that covered the bottom of the steps. With your eyes closed you allowed a faint smile to play on your face, it was that of sadness, but you knew you would be happy with your new home. With all due respect you could tell Thranduil was a strict ruler, therefore his halls must be perfectly clean and decorated.

You turned around, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear, the gentle breeze not giving up to untuck it. In front of you all the horses we already saddled, you spotted your mount in the front, sanding in front of the simple carriage.

Your feet carried you across the dewy grass, new boots crunching whatever leaves were falling. You turned to the left beside the carriage.

“Ooof”, you said as the air was pushed from your lungs, your head quickly went up to see with who you collided. Your face turning red when you meet the icy blue eyes of Thranduil. You seemed to lose your tongue as you scrambled to say something. “I am very sorry, my lord,” you begin to say, “I should have watched where I was going.” The whole time he watched you like a hawk, his eyes glaring into your soul.

After staring at each other for a moment he finally said, “Yes, Indeed you should have.” With this he walked away, you didn’t dare look back, more matter how much you were temped to. You walked over to your horse, wringing out your hands of frustration. This day just couldn’t get better, could it?

You walked up to the front of your horse, reaching out to gently pat it’s face. He leaned into your touch, enjoying the way your gently scratched his neck, “Don’t throw me off today, please,” you say to him, “I can’t handle any more embarrassment.” He gently threw up his head with a snort, you could only hope that he understood.

You turned your head to the sound of metal clanging, about a dozen of guards mounted on war horses arrived, they were Thranduil’s men, clad in silver armour. Followed by them was another dozen of guards, wearing a contrasting gold armour, your families most trusted guards. You gave them all a nod or welcome.

Over the next minutes the rest of the servants arrived, and then your parents, accompanied by Thranduil. You let out a puff of air as you went to greet your parents, relief filling you when you saw Thranduil walk the other way, toward his giant elk that was brought out.

You gave them a warm smile, all the previous issues instantly wiping away. “A lovely morning dear,” said your mother as she placed her hand on your shoulder. You father gave you a nod before he walked off to speak to the guards. “It is,” you say to her, “may I ask why we are leaving today?”

You saw her fix her posture, letting out a small sigh. “There has been an orc army spotted making their way down the valleys that seperate our realms,” She says slightly distracted by the movement around you. “If we leave today we can get pass in front of them, any other day would be too late.” You gave her an understanding nod.

Hearing footsteps beside you, you head turned, you father came back and said, “We should be off now.” You smiled and gave a small gesture from your heart, “I will see you then.”

You spun around on your heels and made your way back to your mount. From the corner of your eyes you spotted Thranduil, looking as regal as ever atop his elk, even your bulky horse was nowhere near its size.

You mounted your horse in a graceful manner, taking a perfect position in the saddle. You checked to make sure your traveling pack was secure on the saddle, your sword safely attached to the side too. The travelers formed a train, several guards in front, sides, and back. There was a large gap to allow you some privacy. As you all began to move, the sound of hooves stomping against the ground filled your ears.

You saw the heavy figure of Thranduil’s elk come into view, he brought himself to trot next to you. It took you a short moment to fix your face into a calm manner, trying not to think about your last interaction.

You almost cringed when you heard his voice say, “Lady (Y/N), would you rather ride in the carriage? It is quite a rough terrain we will passing over soon.”

You shot him a death glare, almost regretting it until you noticed he wasn’t even looking at you. “I am quite fine, my lord, I am a capable rider.” You tried to say politely. It was a moment of silence as you tried to think of something interesting to ask him.

“May I ask why you ride an elk?” You said in honesty curiosity, it was indeed a strange mount, but seemed suitable for him. It made him seem in touch with the nature of his home realm.

His head turned to look at you for a brief moment, a small smile twitching on the corners of his lips. It made you feel warm inside, glad that you were able to make the ever so stiotic king smile.

“I found him when he was just a calf,” he said as he looked ahead, the green leaves if trees fanning around you. “Both of his parents had been killed, his mothers body was shielding him.”

You tried to image what he said, the poor baby orphaned, his parents protecting him until their dying breath. “I had been riding out with some guards, I myself was still a prince, and found him.” He gave a sigh as he gently patted the elks hide, “I took him in, raised him, and here we are, still caring for each other.”

For once his eyes expressed emotion as he spoke about his deed, you smiled warmly, catching his eyes, “That was very considerate of you,” you saw him nod, his face returning to its neautral expression.

After another hour of peaceful trotting, you finally reached the first open valley, a vast area of land, covered with green like moss. There were few trees scattered there, birds flying overheard. This would be the first resting place, take a small break from the riding.

Before you were given the chance to dismount you heard Thranduil finally speak, his silver hair moving with the breeze. “Would you care to see whose mount if faster?” Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion for a moment, then your eyes glowed with realization. Thranduil too managed another slight smile, speaking with his eyes to show that he was amused. You replied, “You mean gallop through this beautiful field?”

He said nothing as he turned his elk around, you let out a chuckle. It was said that Thranduil’s idea of fun was throwing parties and getting drunk of wine, but it seemed it wasn’t the only one. You were glad that he was attempting to spend time with you, the butterflies went to flight again in your stomach, not sure if it was because you were nervous.

Tag List:

@gespirida

@lilith15000

@sapphireduck

@bvckys-doll

@nijiru

[littlelonghairedoutlawllho]

Sad to see an era come to an end but happy you're taking care of yourself first and foremost. Wondering though: Which would you say was the fic that felt the best to write? Not necessarily your favourite, but the one that really felt good to get out?

Honestly it’s hard to know. I’ve written literally hundreds of them, and so many of them were transcendental to write for one reason or another. Thank you for asking but this answer is bound to get out of hand.

My first PotO fic, ‘Let the Dream Descend’, was just completely cathartic. I’ve been reflecting on it a bit tonight because of some of my recent ruminations, and though I haven’t read it in probably years, I do have a very strong sentimental attachment to everything about writing it. It was the same for some of the others pieces around that time, like ‘Tremulous and Tender’ and ‘If (or When)’ and ‘Why, You Ask’. Each of them was a relief to write and looking back I think they were building to what I was going to do in ‘Etched with Tears’ even though I didn’t know it. Etched has a whole origin story in the things I was reading and thinking about that year, and in hindsight a lot of it was residual thoughts from my earlier fics.

‘Let This Moment Linger’ was a little bit iconic tbh, and it was one of those written in a sort of passionate fever, which is a reasonably common theme for my fics or even just scenes in fics.

‘Wraiths of Wandering’ was essentially six months of not knowing what to do with myself, inspersed with alcohol and too many feelings and finishing it was a tremendous relief but it also left me feeling like I could never write again. And sometimes I think I wouldn’t have written it at all, only I needed a major distraction and no one else was going to write a story like that so it had to be me. It felt great finishing it, and it felt great several times through it.

‘Digging Up Bones’ was another one of those passionate fever fics, and another fic that brought together a lot of what I had been thinking and feeling and reading about in a disorganized way and turned it into coherent thought. Tuberculosis is one of those topics dear to me for personal reasons, but also because it is endlessly fascinating and it’s the sort of chronic long-term illness you can do a lot with in fic, but normally it doesn’t get treated that way, and even though it’s not explored in any major way in DUB, I think because I was writing that and ‘Running Through the Rain’ at the same time they ended up influencing each other in a way.

The Tinder ‘verse and it’s myriad collection of stories is very special to me. It too happened accidentally but with all the angst I was writing at the time and how generally miserable I felt, I needed something gentle, and something where I could just quietly be a nerd. It’s the one fic series of mine built on pure nerdery, and it’s filled with references to actual music that I actually like, films I’ve seen, books I’ve read, people I’ve been obsessed with, topics I’ve researched...writing the Tinder pieces is always cathartic and always a relief whether it’s helping me clarify my own thoughts or just because I can look back on any given piece and the setting is somewhere I’ve spent a good deal of time and it’s riddled with references to things that are important to me, so no matter how self-conscious I might feel about them or how sad I feel that they don’t get more recognition I always have to smile just to see some of the things I’ve included. It’s like a little bit of a safe space for myself.

Plus my concept of Tinder!Erik becomes clearer by the day. I read a book today and several times through it (even being touched deeply by the content and the actual irl people it’s about) I had to pause because there were all these little things that reminded me of Tinder!Erik. It was a very strange experience.

‘Dead Water’ doesn’t get talked about half enough as far as I’m concerned. It was a fever and it was cathartic and it was utterly amazing to write and to shape and to see how it all fit together. I was finding new symbolism and developing new ideas as I edited it, and I edited it 4 or 5 times. Some of the bits that generated the biggest response were ones that I added late. Everything about writing it was phenomenal.

‘Soft Place to Fall’ felt great to finish the first draft of, but as I edited it there were bits that I loved and other bits that just didn’t hit the right notes in me. The last six chapters or so of it are heavily, heavily edited. The roles of Trev and Philippe were greatly expanded. I’m still not completely happy with SPtF. Frankly I’m not sure why. But having it done is mingled parts relief and sadness

This, of course, brings me up to the thing that felt the best of all to write: the Delta series. It hardly comes as a surprise to anyone, but I see influences of a lot of other things I’ve written. There are bits of RTtR there and how RTtR might have been, shades of SPtF, definite reminders of Tinder!Erik in Delta!Erik. I think there might even be feelings taken from ‘Let the Dream Descend’, that very first one. The whole Delta series feels like a culmination. It’s got tuberculosis. It’s got romance. It’s got intimacy and imagery and a next generation. It’s a western with barely any of the trappings of a western other than this is the place and time period where it happens to be set. Aside from ‘Run into the Sea’ it’s not told in any linear way and every RitS is barely linear. It’s a series that says fuck your conventions. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but then I got dwelling on Erik and dwelling on Erik became dwelling on Emir and Christine. It’s a tubercular narrative and the way it’s written reflects that because tuberculosis is a far more complex disease than fiction writers usually give it credit for, and amid thousands of alternative and radical treatments we don’t truly understand it, and its periods of remission and relapse, how it lies latent in the body before being triggered, how it manifests in different ways in different people. Delta is about a lot of things but at the heart of it is this terrible ravaging disease which can kill either slowly or with great speed and drama. I’m immensely proud of the Delta stories, and writing them was one of the single most intense experiences of my life, all played out over the course of 5 days. It felt and continues to feel absolutely fantastic. My only regret is that more people haven’t read them.

[firebirdsdaughter]

Alright...

... A wee bit more rested, and w/ a better quality video, we are back at it! XD

In no order:

Okay... Seems the Wozes aren’t switching off... Which is vaguely disappointing. I wanted to some day see them fight over the recap.

THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY A FAMILY MOMENT. Sworz is scolding Heure, and he even straight up is like ‘Are you listening to me?’ like a frustrated dad, oh my god. XD

So... What did Mirror¡Shinji just hang out in there mirror world and didn’t get effected by the time alteration, or... What. Not complaining, just curious,

Ah. So this, too, is Decade’s fault.

That look Sworz gave his son there was somewhere between proud and suspicious.

Oooo, infinite mirror trick!

Really? We’re really just gonna... Skip Geiz coming home? Really? *cries in exasperated, friendship-obsessed language*

Well, the boys are still working together well--even if this fight isn’t going great.

I love the parts of these three hanging out discussing things. I just live the Zi-Ot3, okay?

They’re having a sit down to discuss all the multiple timelines and goals of everyone involved, using chess pieces. This is adorable.

Awww. Sougo’s asking what future they want. I think he’s been playing it down, but is genuinely kinda bothered by the ‘Geiz is still gonna kill you’ thing. Partially bc he really wants to think that he can not become Puma Zi-O, rather than the only option being to kill him.

Oh my god, that cute little smile.

Geiz.exe has stopped working. God, Sougo, I get why you’re asking, but you know Geiz is bad at feelings! You’re gonna break him!

I think that also just showed very well that whatever Shiro Woz has said, Geiz is still just getting more conflicted. That was the face of someone who has no idea what they want anymore.

Tsukuyomi to the rescue! She’s well-acquainted w/ Geiz’s problems w/ interpersonal relations.

Aw, look at the babies investigating!

Oooo, editor man looks good!

This is so ‘amateur investigators’ and I LOVE IT.

Geiz ensuring the other two cover their mouths and noses before coming in (also him just using the collar XD). Even if it’s tiny, I love protective Geiz.

Yay! Shinji lives! It’s okay, dude. It’ll be okay. Having watched the ep once I get why you’re upset, but I promise it’s okay.

Also, Ren, come get Shinji. He’s gonna get himself killed again. Does he still owe you money in this timeline?

So here’s my question. Was Shinji actually trying to kill himself bc he thought it might stop his mirror self, or did it just look like that bc he was trying to cover up all reflective surfaces and accidentally trapped himself?

They’re all sitting here. I love this. I love the Zi-Ot3. I LOVE THEM.

Geiz is one of those people where, if punching it doesn’t work, he just punches harder.

I feel like this is a perfect example of his personality and fighting style though. Just, like. Go for it. Just tank right on. Like, oh, this guy reflects attacks? Simplest way to deal with that is just sacrifice myself.

Sougo is like ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea’ and thinking it’s theoretical, but Tsukuyomi literally standing w/ this face like ‘no, Sougo, you don’t understand just yet, he absolutely will do this.’

Sougo’s goofy geometry pyjamas. That is all.

Junichiro does the only acceptable movement for describing Woz’s appearance w/ hand motions.

Why is Sougo shocked by this thing? HE SAW IT LAST EPISODE!

I get that Sougo’s distracted, but does have to walk in the middle of the path and where is everyone?

Sougo can’t think and talk to Kuro Woz at the same time. I will admit, dealing w/ Kuro Woz is a bit much, so...

I LOVE THIS SCENE. Kuro Woz is being Kuro Woz, and Sougo just walks away. YES. Force the asshole to walk after you! Do it!

Also pretty sure he’s bullying Kuro Woz again, and I love it.

My first guess is that the reason the Zi-O II Watch wouldn’t activate was that Sougo was doubting himself? Or something like that?

If you are a Woz, you have no sense of personal space.

Elbow him in the stomach, Sougo!

Kuro Woz is... Really not getting it that Sougo’s not interested in that, is he?

Tsukuyomi expressing concern, very valid concern.

Okay, here’s the thing. Even if he’s not saying ‘only I can do it’ exactly, he’s still very much not suggesting Sougo do it. Like, at all. When he actually tries it, he does it. He knows perfectly well he could die doing it. And if he dies, then Tsukuyomi’s on her own trying to prevent Puma Zi-O (Shiro Woz does not count). And besides, if Sougo dies doing it, that’d be sure to prevent Puma Zi-O, right? But even if it’s not explicitly stated, he’s making an active decision to risk his own life rather than Sougo’s. Have I mentioned I love protective Geiz, even lowkey protective Geiz? Bc I DO.

This is like, another reason why I see him as the ‘protector’ sort of point of the triangle that is the Zi-Ot3. That’s just who he is. He’s the tank, the guardian. Even if he’s not quite noticing it right now, he’s absolutely shifting into being willing to die to protect the other two.

Also, it’s kinda another show that, no matter what else happened, he doesn’t really want Shiro Woz’s future, either. Bc he can’t be the ‘saviour’ or anything if he’s dead from this, ya know?

Tsukuyomi’s like ‘I knew it, you bloody idiot!’ and also pointing out that Sougo was against the idea which causes Geiz to have feelings for a moment bc he’s actually touched Sougo doesn’t want him to die, but also CONFLICTED. XD

I love how both Geiz and Sougo have come to the conclusion that if either one of them stand still in one place for a certain amount of time, either Shiro or Kuro Woz respectively will be somewhere in the vicinity and they can just yell. ^^

Also, I love how he seems to almost always have Tsukuyomi w/ him when he talks to him. It’s like he’s decided he needs a chaperone or something. Reasons vary from funny to sad.

So I guess Geiz is asking what Shiro Woz’s future is like. Apparently... It’s the same? So... No new inventions or anything? I dunno, I find this answer suspicious.

Okay. ‘It’s as if time has stopped.’ This line ratchets the suspicious factor up. It seems simple and sensical enough for the online translator to be right about it, so I’m just gonna take this as what the line basically means for now. But... Remember how a lot of the symbolism in this series has been about ‘restarting clocks’ and stuff like that? In the Build arc, Junichiro had that speech bout how you can only restart your own clock, which Sougo reiterated when meeting Heure. Just this past arc, Hiromu’s father’s watch started moving again at the end. Therefore, I hypothesis that ‘time has stopped’ is not actually a good thing and there is something else going on here.

WHO IS GOOGLES? Seriously, was he Geiz’s brother, his friend... Is that even a guy, I can’t really tell, I shouldn’t be assuming... It’s nice to see their dead body again, I guess, but I need more information here, Toei!

That was not the face of a person I trust. Admittedly, at this point, anyone w/ Woz’s face doesn’t have the face of a person I trust.

Okay, not you in real life, Keisuke, you’re a sweetheart.

See, this makes me think we’re not meant to trust Shiro Woz even more. Geiz only seriously tried to kill Sougo when he knew only about the crimes Sougo committed as Puma Zi-O and nothing about him in the present, when he perceived Sougo as moving toward that path, and when he thought he had no choice (Kasshin showing I think made hims start to wonder if it was even possible, but he got some hope again when Sougo was willing to actually give up and had to be pushed back into it etc.). Shinji, however, is not, whether now or in the future, an active or willing participant in these incidents. It’s like a Yummy, twisting innate wishes out of shape. He’s terrified and upset, and may even have been trying to kill himself to make it stop (not sure though bc this is a kids’ show). When Geiz actually considered things, saw Sougo as the person he was at that moment rather than just as Puma Zi-O, he balked at going through with it. Shiro Woz knows perfectly well this guy is innocent. But he doesn’t hesitate at all. Big red flag. Did any of that make sense? I don’t think that made sense.

Also get away from Shinji you bastard. Ren!

I literally spent this whole episode yelling for Ren to come help Shinji.

No, wait. I’m sorry. Ron.

I mean, I guess Geiz, who looks kinda like how I’d imagine a baby Ron might look, is protecting him, so there’s that.

Ron! Come help Shinji! Ron? RON!

Okay, so... Ryuga was an actual thing in Ryuki? I’m so sorry, it’s been so long since I watched Ryuki.

Heure is absolutely getting revenge on Shiro Woz for the car incident and you know what.... Valid.

Honestly... It’s nice to see someone beat Shiro Woz up a bit for once.

Rider Kick interruptus. All the little hiragana digitise out of existence when Sougo pulls him out of it, that’s a nice effect.

Also I feel like that was slowed down, but I dunno. How fast do you move in a Rider Kick?

Dramatic friendship moments in suit for you viewing experience! XD

I love this, though. These two, I feel like are gonna have a sort of dynamic ‘don’t you dare die on me I’m the only one allowed to kill you’ on Geiz’s side and ‘I’m the king and I didn’t give you leave to die’  on Sougo’s side. XD Like, not necessarily exactly that, I’m being silly w/ the wording, but you get the point. I hope.

Anyway, Sougo is upset that Geiz was risking his life like that, which results in more feelings.

I feel like it might be an important distinction that he uses the Zi-O II Ride Watch not purely in order to gain power and become king or whatever, but in order to save people--most specifically, at the particular moment, a rather self-destructive warrior-type friend. Though the preview does indicate it comes a little late... DX

Geiz is embarrassed. I mean, like I said earlier, there’s a level of this that’s basically him making a choice to risk his own life rather than Sougo's... Or even Shiro Woz (I woulda made Shiro Woz do it).

Sougo is like ‘nope, nope, nope, that’s enough of that.’

So Geiz recognises the Watch? Maybe. He wasn’t there when Kuro Woz dropped it off. Tsukuyomi was, though. Did she not know it? Hm.

I managed to pause it when it looks like Geiz is looking at the camera like he’s on the Office bc Sougo’s power up isn’t working. XD

Also, oh my god. Sougo gets pulled into the mirror world, and Geiz’s immediate response is to rush over and try to follow him/pull him out while yelling (well, yelling ‘Zi-O’ we’re not quite to regular name status yet) worriedly. I LOVE THEM.

I’m assuming everything is backwards, but I couldn’t read kanji in the first place so...

Did Okuno drop his voice an octave for Mirror¡Sougo?

Sougo is initially surprised to see another version of himself, then worries that it’s him from three days in the future again.

Mirror¡Sougo is doing this weird head tilt and it’s so hilarious I just... Can’t.

Sougo makes the unfortunate discovery that not all other versions of you that appear are your friend. I’m sorry, sweetie.

Wow, Mirror¡Sougo just straight punched him.

Okay, I know we all saw it in the preview, but... Mirror¡Sougo does this, like... Really weird walk/motion, and... It just. Has to be seen. I’m serious. HE’S FREAKING WINKING.

Sougo is confused.

Okay, I know this is serious, but it literally looks like he pulled the mirror Ride Watch out of his hair.

Mirror Driver has very weird, distorted voice.

Also WHY IS HE HUNCHING LIKE THAT NO SWEETIE THAT’S BAD FOR YOUR SHOULDERS!

Preview: I saw a translation that said ‘I’ll cut the future’ but the online thing here says ‘create’? Personally, I’d prefer create, but it’s probably ‘cut.’ In other news... If they make a mention that defeating Another Ryuga might be the way to get Sougo out of the mirror world, that would raise Geiz’s ‘sacrifice myself to defeat it’ thing to also being sacrificing himself to save Sougo. And. I love it. ^^ XD <3

Anyway, that’s all for now. Digital macaroons for anyone who read all that. And if you don’t like macaroons... Caramels! Digital caramels.

I’m slightly worried about the little ‘what’s your future like’ convo bc it might indicate Shiro Woz is getting his claw sin between my kids, but pretty much everything else was great. Geiz doesn’t seem to even consider suggesting Sougo try the plan, and Sougo’s genuinely upset when Geiz tries to do it, and at the end, Geiz is upset when Sougo disappears into the mirror world. Tsukuyomi tries to mediate, and do so quite well, is the one who clearly is well-aware that Geiz will absolutely go through w/ the sacrificing himself plan and that he needs dissuading. Looks like she’s unable to stop him next eek, though... And, finally the Zi-Ot3 are investigating together again, and frankly, I just LOVE IT.

How about I subject everyone to my new favourite picture again? (It’s not technically spoilers now, there was a version in the preview for next week)

If you could all the ‘XD’s in this post... You get another hardy handshake.

[jonathangroffcentral]

The Mindhunter Cast Knows How to Spot a Sociopath

By Abraham Riesman -  August 22, 2018 (x) 

Photo: Maya Robinson/Vulture and Photo by Getty Images

Despite being a 1970s period piece, Mindhunter feels eminently of the present moment. We’re living in the midst of a true-crime renaissance, and the David Fincher–helmed Netflix series stands out not only as a (heavily fictionalized) example of the genre, but as a critique of it. As FBI agents Holden Ford (Jonathan Groff) and Bill Tench (Holt McCallany) and psychologist Wendy Carr (Anna Torv) delve into the brains and motivations of serial killers — especially real-life murderer Ed Kemper (Emmy nominee Cameron Britton) — we’re given a window into why humans have such a fascination with individuals who engage in death and destruction. But just as interesting as the tales on the screen are the tales of what it takes to tell them, as an audience learned during a panel discussion with Groff, McCallany, Torv, and Britton at this year’s Vulture Festival. Over the course of the conversation, the actors talked about Fincher’s notorious obsessiveness, whether Ford is a sociopath, and how Britton learned to play Kemper partially thanks to his own time as a schoolteacher.

So first off, before the show started, for each of you, how big a true-crime fan were you, if at all? Why don’t we start with you Jonathan.

Jonathan Groff: Me personally, not at all. Not a serial-killer person.

I should hope, yes.

JG: That’s the weird thing, though, is that people keep coming up to us and saying “I am so obsessed with serial killers.” And people are obviously fascinated by the mind and the way the mind works, and what they do, and how someone could possibly do what they’ve done, and whatever, but that was not my jam. What drew me to the show initially was obviously the opportunity to work with David Fincher. And also, the scenes. The scenes with the four of us, and the scenes with the serial killers, they’re almost like play scenes. And so getting the opportunity to act that out and do such psychological work was what drew me to it.

Were any of you true-crime fans?

Holt McCallany: I was a big fan of some of David’s earlier films, like Seven. Which obviously, there’s a serial killer. Zodiac. So the opportunity to work with him, a great director like David in a genre that he is such a master of was very exciting also.

Cameron Britton: Well, I’ve always been fascinated with serial killers. I find it to be an incredible enigma, and [Edmund] Kemper is a great example. I’m very confused as to how you can have no remorse to take a human’s life, especially often a young girl and do it so intimately. So you have no remorse for human life, but you care about what we think of you. It’s so confusing to me that serial killers, many of them, they’re really keen on being liked or being justified through us giving them attention.

Anna Torv: But isn’t that because that’s the point, that’s the narcissist in you, is that you only care about what people think of you, or you only care if someone’s talking to you. So therefore, the empathy thing is connected to another person. And so anything to do with the world is absolutely not important. But as soon as you’re involved in it, then that’s what they feed on.

CB: That’s a good point. Mystery solved. I don’t need to do it anymore.

HM: Anna makes a great point. That’s one of the fundamental themes of the show, narcissism. And this is why you see so many of these serial killers communicating directly with the press. David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam, the Zodiac Killer, Dennis Rader, the Bind, Torture Kill [killer]. These guys all wrote letters to the press and they wanted that adulation, they wanted that notoriety.

CB: They wanna feel special.

AT: Or they wanna take credit.

Tell me about the casting process? How did this go for each of you? Did you do sides? What scenes did you do? What made you wanna actually do the show? Why don’t we start over with Cameron.

CB: The first thing I read when I pulled up the sides is that little speech Ed gives when Holden says it’s hard to square you with what you’re in here for. You seem very nice. And Ed says something like, “I’ve been a regular guy most of my life. Nice home, nice suburbs, but at the same time, I was living a vile, deprived, entirely parallel other life filled debased violence, mayhem, fear, and death.” That was the first thing I read.

AT: He was like, “I want it.”

CB: I just need to know more. And there were something about the sides that were like …

HM: I’m perfect for this.

CB: Yeah. That’s me.

AT: Who is this guy?

CB: There was something about them, I just could tell it was a real person. So I looked up the name and then just went down a rabbit hole, it was all those YouTube … serial killers on YouTube, it’s a perfect example. It’s what the show feels like. It’s not terrifying to watch Mindhunter, necessarily, but it’s just unsettling. You can find Aileen Wuornos just talking to a camera. It’s hard to watch. Her eyeballs, they are just terrifying. I probably spent … I was up past midnight working on that self tape. I can do it better, I can get it, I can get the eyes right.

HM: And boy, did he nail it.

Anna, how about you? What was your audition process like?

AT: It was pretty smooth and simple, actually. I, again, got the pages. And often, you go in for an audition and you’re lucky if you get two pages. And it’s like, “Hey.” And it was a good 15. And then I knew what the show was, and so I read the book then, though, before I went to audition for it. And the character that I’m playing isn’t in the book, and I worked out who she was. But she’s a completely different person to the one that we’ve created in the show, to Wendy. And then I went in and tested with beautiful Laray, who casts the show.

HM: A round of applause for Laray Mayfield.

AT: Then I think I met with David and did them again. And then got the call. And I was beyond ecstatic, like beyond.

HM: I had worked with David a couple of times previously. I was in his first film, a film called Alien 3, and then I was in Fight Club. But they were smaller parts, I had never been in a lead. And so when I realized that Bill Tench was gonna be one of the really integral parts of the show, it was wonderful. Because in a certain way, it felt like I was getting a promotion.

JG: I had met Laray eight years ago when I auditioned and did not get TheSocial Network. And then I was in New York and I put myself on tape with the New York casting director Julie Schubert here. And for anyone that has an audition for Mindhunter, she gave me these tips before I was going, just general David Fincher tips. She said don’t move your forehead.

Don’t move your forehead?

JG: Don’t act with your forehead. Don’t blink, don’t up at the end like this, which I do all the time.

HM: Don’t segment the lines, no segmentation.

JG: Yes, and don’t be …

HM: Get to the end of the thought.

JG: Yeah, don’t be musical. And so I applied that.

HM: And be prepared to do a lot of takes.

JG: Be prepared to do a lot of takes, yeah. And so I applied that to the audition and then flew out to New York on a Monday on a day off and met with David. I had a feeling when I was sitting with him, this feeling of depression sometimes you get when something is really great. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this before when something really great is happening, something that you’ve dreamt about. And it’s almost like this feeling of sadness, because I felt like this is everything I’ve wanted and now I feel really depressed. Where this is too good to be true, I don’t believe this is happening. I’m in a room with David Fincher, he’s talking about this TV show.

HM: He’s probably gonna hire Justin Timberlake.

JG: Exactly. Exactly.

Tell me about your early interactions with David Fincher and Joe Penhall? What did they say they wanted the show to be and what did they want your performance to be?

CB: Well, David said something that I hoped he’d say, where he wasn’t looking for an impression. I mean, there’s hints of Ed there, there’s more his vibe I was going for and some of his voice. And he said he wasn’t looking for the genius Hannibal Lecter serial killer because it’s not all too accurate. The cinematic one, the sexy one. He couldn’t have got the sexy one out of me.

JG: That is so not true.

CB: Although, there have been some strange fans, I will … One person just wrote, a private message, “You’re a very hot bear.” What a takeaway. They’re watching this show Mindhunter and they’re like, “Yeah, this is …”

Anyway, the importance of this being a regular person, and honestly, the evil, the violent, the monster side of it wasn’t this pretty straightforward stuff. I agreed with him, my focus was more on making him a human being. I think that should be the takeaway from these people. My aunt doesn’t want her daughter to see it because she’s only 14. But at the same time, one of Kemper’s victims was 14. There’s something to be said … I don’t like to put that fear out there, but there’s something to be said about the assumptions we make on someone just because they’re nice, or well-spoken. Of course, we don’t do hitchhiking much anymore. You certainly don’t here anyway. So yeah, that was a lot of the talk, and then after that, there was an incredible amount of freedom that David gave me. He’d have notes on a thought, like this line, “I’d like it to be backed up with arrogance,” or something. But there were no overall notes. “I need Ed to be more this or that.” He just let me play, which it’s what’s so impressive about him. That he’s so in charge and yet you still feel so free.

AT: We were talking about that last night about the idea of when you say no broad strokes, no overall notes. That he’s got such an incredibly clean mind, that when he gives you a note, it’s so unbelievably specific. And then even the eyebrows and everything, all of that, that’s him going, “I don’t want a distraction until I want it.” I want the story and the people, I wanna be able to see that. And it changes the way, we would say, it’s changed the way I watch things.

HM: And that’s what watching David direct is really like. It’s like watching the director of a symphony orchestra. He’s literally making adjustments to every department simultaneously. Not just the actors, but the camera department is changing, the lights, it’s all moving all simultaneously. And he likes to move at a fast pace. And so you’ve got to commit to that, to that pace, and to that energy, and to that way of working. And be able to make very small adjustments because we’ll do many, many takes. And sometimes, he’ll give a piece of direction which is very precise. And he wants to see the same thing he did last time, except with this precise adjustment. So it does require a lot of concentration.

AT: And every frame, you can pause, you can just stop every frame and it’s just so beautiful. It’s a portrait every time.

HM: And that’s really one of the most exciting things about the project because there’s a lot of television out there right now, but there’s not a lot of television that’s being produced at this level with an extraordinary filmmaker like David at the helm. And just to give credit to all of our friends at Netflix, they’ve been very supportive of the project and of him. And giving him the kind of freedom to create his vision. And I think that’s part of what makes it so good, is it’s not the kind of television by committee that you often see at the networks. This is one filmmaker’s vision. And it’s a very different way of working. And of course, most television is writer-producer-driven. And this is television that is director-driven. And that is also fundamental difference that can’t be ignored.

Jonathan, I’m curious, what were the conversations that you had with David about Holden? What did he say he wanted it to be and where did you then take it from there?

JG: He said this thing also last night at dinner when he was talking to Anna and I about directing: “I’m in a plane looking down at you and you’re in a cornfield and I’m telling you where to walk.” So he likes us to lose ourselves in the moment of the scene, know the lines really well, don’t move your forehead, don’t blink, don’t go up at the end.

HM: No smiling.

AT: He didn’t say I’m telling you how to walk, he said, “And I’m gonna tell you if you’re getting too close to the rocks.”

JG: Right. Yeah. They direct you.

AT: We need to get back into this.

JG: Yeah, that’s wet over there. I see you moving in that direction, but that’s actually an unsafe area to be, why don’t you move over here? And we find the way together. Yeah, actually one of the things that he said to me in the beginning was “Holden has no charm and no self-awareness whatsoever …”

AT: That is so brilliant.

JG: “… And you as Jonathan are a very smiley … You’re an actor, so you’re always trying to desperately be charming. And you have that needy thing that we all have for people to love us. And Holden doesn’t have that, he’s nerdy.” And so he said this thing to me at the very beginning that is a very small technical thing but has completely changed the way I am even in certain ways. He said, “You smile. Even when you don’t think you’re smiling, you’re smiling.” And I was like, “What? Am I smiling right now?”

And so it took a long time, but he does this with all of us. He finds these little technical things. That’s why one of the reasons working with him is such a life-changing experience where we would be about to roll on the scene or we’d be about to start shooting the scene and be like, “Okay, and we’re rolling. And Jonathan stop smiling, and you’re still smiling, and you’re still smiling, and okay, action.” And then I would eventually get there. But when I watch the show back, I did not recognize myself. And I saw how, via him and the plane looking down at me in the cornfield, I saw how he calibrated so expertly every one of our performances. I mean, we give him everything we can give him on the day, and then he goes into the editing room and makes these subtle adjustments. And ultimately, it’s him who’s picking the coverage, and who we’re watching, and whatever. It was a master class being on set, and acting, and being pushed in the way that he pushes you, and doing the amazing material with these guys. And then it was a master class watching it and going, “Wow, that is how he put it together and that is the piece of art he created in the end.”

CB: I don’t know if it was intentional or what, I didn’t know I was doing it, but I recently watched, someone sent me something. You’re gotta see this, someone put together the editing of Mindhunter, this cool link. And it covered how they edited it and what story you’re telling by cutting to this person. And the person narrating said every time that Kemper mentions his mother, his mouth tightens. I had no idea I was doing that, I don’t know if David knew I was doing that or if …

AT: He would’ve seen it.

CB: It was something else.

Tell me about shooting the interview scenes with Ed. Was there some kind of guiding philosophy when you were going into those scenes, how you were gonna make them interesting, how you were gonna make sure they don’t get redundant? How were you approaching it?

CB: I don’t remember too much conversation outside of the cool structure … Usually before we were even dressed up, done our hair and makeup or anything, we’d come in in the morning and run the scene until Fincher felt it was where it needed to be. And then we get to process those notes while we go get hair and makeup done and they set up the cameras and everything. They were very private rehearsals, but I’m sorry, I don’t really remember …

HM: Well, the key to what Cameron just said is the word rehearsal. We do a lot of it, and we did a lot of it before we ever began filming. We would do private rehearsals with David in which we just go through the scripts. Every new episode. We sit around a long table, we go line by line through the script, talk about whether the line is necessary, how can it be improved, what does the scene mean in different terms of the overall journey of the character, what’s going on … And then, when we get on set, then we do an hour’s rehearsal just with David, and our DP, and the actors, until we all really feel … So this is something that’s a lot more rare than it should be in television. Normally, in TV, they just don’t give you any rehearsal. Not simply an insufficient amount of rehearsal, they don’t even put it into the schedule. Everything is about shoot time, and sadly, mostly directors aren’t really empowered on TV sets. They wanna shoot the call sheet, they wanna get the day, they don’t wanna go over schedule, they wanna get invited back. And so to have somebody who says, “No, we’re gonna take our time here. As long as we need until the scene is as good as it can possibly be, and then we’ll shoot it.

CB: And I doubt I will ever see a quicker turnaround between cut and action. It’s cut, and then there’s a little note thrown in from video village, and then rolling, and then action. You are in it all day. And especially in a scene where you’re just sitting in a chair. I remember the prop master trying to put my shackles on to start the scene over and Fincher would say, “Rolling” and he’d go, “Rolling. Fucking rolling?” And then dive out of the way of the shot. I’ve never done that in my life, I’ve never just woken up, had breakfast and then acted until I went to sleep.

HM: Right. And my character smokes in the show. Even the time to reset the cigarette. It has to be the same length as in the previous take because we move really, really fast. But that’s why we’re able to do so many takes and that’s why when he gets into the editing room he has so many choices. And then the other part of that is working on the interview scenes specifically, is that they’re very long scenes. Some of them are 10-, 12-page scenes or longer. And that’s so rare that that’s when it begins to feel like theater, when you’re doing these long scenes. And he’ll let them run all the way through. And then it’ll be another setup, a new angle, and maybe takes. So you get so comfortable in them, you do them so many times you start to make discoveries. And the thing just starts to improve, and gel, and come together until he finally gets what he wants.

Jonathan, how did you approach doing the interview scenes? You have to really be a key component of that over, and over, and over again throughout the series.

JG: It was different with every one. And I remember with the Ed Kemper scene, one of the things that I heard David say … Because the first interview with Ed Kemper happens almost halfway through the second episode. And in most TV shows, it would happen in halfway through the first episode. This is the show where they interview serial killers, but it was really important to them to slowly build the story. And you see how the term “serial killer,” the idea of talking to serial killers, the behavioral science unit at the FBI, it’s a huge thing that happens, a huge journey that happens throughout the course of the first season. And so when they were tracking that journey and Ed is the first person they talk to, I remember David, first of all, wanting to have that full, long setup where we meet [points to McCallany], the road school … And then we get to Ed Kemper and it’s like beginner’s luck. We meet a guy who’s a serial killer who’s dying to talk about everything he did, and his motivations, and his mother, and his backstory, and everything. So the Ed Kemper interview was all about the absolute perfect person at the absolute perfect time for the characters to go, “Whoa, this is actually really worthwhile.”

And then we give the transcript to her [points to Torv], and he [points to McCallany] gets convinced, and then it starts to build. And then from there, each interview is slightly different. So Jerry Brudos, he’s a total asshole and won’t talk to us. And so we have to figure out a way to get him to talk, and we end up going to him and talking to him in the third person. And that’s how we get him to open up. And then you’ve got Richard Speck, who’s surly and crazy. And so then suddenly I’m talking to him about words that I promised I wouldn’t say on this panel.

But I remember in the sides, because the ten scripts were written, basically. They changed a lot, but they were written before we started. So [then there’s] that fun element of the character of Holden [starting to mirror] the serial killers to get them to open up. And so then each interview starts to become about, “Okay, they’re not all Ed Kemper, so how do we get them to open up and when does Tench have more of an impact on opening up with Monte Rissell. Being tough on him is actually the thing that gets him to open up because he fights back. And then the scene with Gene Devier, who is the guy that kills the 14-year-old majorette girl in Georgia. With him, it’s putting the rock in front of him, which is based on John Douglas’s real story, the idea of putting the rock … So then every interview becomes about a totally different way of getting someone to open up, and the staging of the interview, and the way we act is different in every one because it’s a different psychology in each scene.

Cameron, I heard that you used to be a preschool teacher.

CB: Yeah, for eight years, I taught special-needs preschool for 18 months to 3-year-olds. It’s what I was gonna do with my career for a while, and then I got a little burnt out. I probably did it as long as anyone. I’ve seen a lot of teachers come and go and you do three or four years and it’s exhausting. I realized I was just supplementing entertaining kids for entertaining audiences, so I had to be honest with myself and get back into acting outside of just doing theater with my friends. I can tell you something very strange. Part of teaching preschool helped me with Ed, to be honest.

So you have 15 kids a day, and some days are blessings, and they’re just the joy of life because it’s a preschool, like you’d imagine. But there are days with children with autism where it just breaks down and their impulses can get really intense. And everyone’s looking to you as the teacher. You can’t break or you lose the room. So I started slowly learning how to train myself to just cut all emotions out and just get rid of them entirely so I could be this serene, pleasant … Some days were pretty wild, but everyone had to look to you. And that was interesting because it wasn’t like I was sad or anything, but after three hours of that, class would end. And I’d go into the bathroom or something and tears would just well, because you let your emotions come back. And now, they’re flooding out because they’ve been blocked. And that started becoming a mechanism, almost a physical thing to be able to cut your emotions out. So when it came to playing Ed, it was actually really helpful. I would never have thought that those two things would complement the other.

Have you heard from any parents of kids that have seen the show?

CB: Yeah. I’ll have friends who work there and they say new teachers go, “The guy who played Ed Kemper was a teacher here.” They do not believe it, they go, “I actually don’t believe you. I don’t see how that works.” The other parents, I tried not to be Facebook friends with parents, but a few of them, you get an attachment to. There’s one girl who I was still babysitting while we were working on Kemper. So that mom was an industry type, so she wasn’t creeped out or anything. But I do like to think about one day these kids will grow up and their parents go, “You see that guy? That was your babysitter. That was your preschool teacher.”

For all of you, do you find after having working on the show, do you find yourself profiling people? Do you break people down in a way now because you’ve had to think about that and get in that mindset so much?

JG: My thing was everyone said to me after they’d watch the show that they thought my character was a sociopath. And I had no idea. And people would say … and so many of my friends were texting me, “So when are you gonna start killing people?” I was like, “I thought I was playing an everyman.” I was playing a sociopath.

I think that the thing that they’re aligning when they think that Holden is a sociopath, that I think is very similar between … That we start to see more and more in our characters is this characteristic of narcissism and becoming self-obsessed. And it was one of the things about the serial killers sitting there and waxing philosophical about they’d done. And that need to have credit, and be in the press, and all of that. And that starts to find its way into us at the FBI. It’s my favorite character turns for the three of us, at the end of the season when it starts to get a little tense at the unit and you start to see the narcissists come out, particularly in my character, but it starts to come out in the three of us. “Who invented this, who’s taking credit for what?” And that idea of we were all in the room when “serial killer” was invented, but I’m gonna take credit for it. I was the one that did this, and I was the one that brought that. And I think it’s that quality of narcissism that we’re seeing in Holden that makes an appearance that he is a sociopath. Or maybe I’m just a sociopath and I have no idea.

That’s exactly what a sociopath would say.

AT: But that’s the bit that I think is interesting, we talk about that then start to look at the line that not everyone’s into Ed Kemper. You can still have the personality bias. And it effects you in your workplace, and so with that, the statistics are … There’s a book called The Sociopath Next Door, and it was written not that long ago, and I think it was something like 25 out of every 100 Americans are.

Wow, you really did a lot of reading up for the part. You’d be surprised, I interview a lot of actors, and sometimes they’ll walk into something and just go, “Yeah, I memorized my lines, I did it, whatever. I got out.” But it sounds like you really went the extra mile to try and …

HM: Well, it’s a fascinating subject.

It is. It’s hard to live with, though.

AT: This is really weird because I read that after the show, after I finished filming. When I did it, there was this disconnect we’ve talked about. I felt it was too much. I remember getting cast and then having a bit of panic, going, “What is this? Do I wanna look at this?” And then I looked up some of the real people, and it was truly … I get sweaty palms even thinking about, if I’m honest. And then I went, “I’m not gonna think about this when I’m not on set.” And set’s a different thing because you do it so much that there’s a desensitization that comes to it. And then when the show finished, I don’t know why, I got fascinated with the disorders in normal people. And I read The Sociopath Next Door. I read The Puzzling Mind of a Psychopath, which is really, really interesting.

HM: There’s always a lot of research to do also because it’s a period piece. So we’re set in the late 1970s, it’s a different political context. You also have the fact that criminal profiling was really in its infancy and trying to figure out exactly how these guys do what they do. And then each of the killers is very different and they’re each fascinating in different ways. And so you wanna research who they are, how they committed their crimes, what makes them different from previous killers that we’ve interviewed. And it never stops. Every new episode, we have new characters and we use the real killers. We use the real stories of the real killers, and the real crimes. So it’s a lot of research.

I’m curious, why do you think Tench sticks with Holden? Holden’s such a difficult person to work with. It’s just fascinating to watch their dynamic. Why do you think he sticks with him?

HM: When I first got offered the role, I remember getting an email from David in which he shared with me some of his thoughts about my character, and where he was in his life. He’s a guy that had a failing marriage, that had a lot of problems raising his adopted son who’s troubled. He was a guy who’s not really interested in the politics of the FBI and the brown nosing that you have to do in order to get promoted. He didn’t want to engage in any of that and so he had run away. He teaches road school, gives classes to local law enforcement about the latest FBI investigative techniques, plays golf. And then he gets assigned a new partner. And what he comes to understand is that this young man has really hit upon an innovation that could be very useful to law enforcement.

Even though a behavioral science was in its infancy in the period that we discussed in the show, it has now become the biggest part of what the bureau does. So that’s why, because I often thought of Bill as a guy who was floundering in a certain way because he had forgotten why it was important to him to be an FBI agent. And he was going through the motions, and then when Holden comes into his life, he rekindles my excitement for the work and reminds me why it was that I always wanted to do this job.

Jonathan, I’m curious, there was more sex in the show than I was expecting. And we see a lot of Holden’s love life. I’m not saying this to be prurient or anything, but I’m curious. How did you think about Holden’s approach to sex, and intimacy and relationships?

JG: It was one of the things I was most excited about exploring on the show because it was interesting to me that this guy who is kind of buttoned-up, conservative, Mormon-like, very inexperienced, maybe a virgin, maybe not. It’s hard to tell, he seems like a virgin even though he says he’s not and he has his coming of age talking to psychosexual sadists and killers. And the sexual component of their murders is such a huge part of it. And at the same time, or even before that, he meets this girl that kind of blows his mind sexually and in a way that he never knew about before or anticipated. And there’s even that scene where I go to the FBI, because it is the late ‘70s, and blow jobs and oral sex are on the deviant list of words that shouldn’t be allowed. And I go on and I’m like, “I think we should take some of these off the bad word list because this girl’s gonna blow my mind. It’s actually really great.”

While at the same time, talking to these men who do these horrible things to get off. Ultimately, for a lot of them, it’s about ejaculation and … putting your desire to get off over someone’s heart beating is such a chilling and horrifying thing. And so he’s having this sexual excitement while he’s talking to this girl. So that dynamic was really interesting to me and the development of that. There’s this scene with Debbie where she’s filing her nails in the bathroom and we come out, and she does this thing. And that dynamic of sexual play between a man and women was really interesting to me. And then at the same time, in the eighth episode, it’s Jerry Brudos and he masturbates into shoes. And she sees Holden eyeing up these shoes at this store and she thinks, “He really wants me to wear these shoes.” And so I’m thinking of Jerry Brudos, how we’re gonna get him to open up, and she’s thinking, “I’m gonna really blow his mind tonight when he gets home when I’m wearing these shoes.” And she surprises me by wearing these shoes. And it’s the first time, the character has been so good at compartmentalizing everything and whatever. And that is the first time, suddenly Jerry Brudos has been brought into his personal sex life.

And that’s the first moment it starts to wear on him. And so the sexual component of his relationship was happening at the same time of the sexual exploration of these killers. And I was really excited to explore those things. And I was happy with how it came out at the end of the show as part of the character arc.

I wanna turn it over to the audience for some Q&A.

Audience member 1: When is season two happening?

HM: I don’t think that season two will be on until sometime in 2019. We’re actually in the process of shooting it right now, but we’re still in episode one.

Audience member 2: What did you think of the cold opens with the mysterious man?

HM: Are you talking about the scenes with BTK? To be honest, I think that this was an idea that came to David later in the season when we were shooting. And he decided to add that. And the actor who plays Dennis Rader, Sonny Valicenti. He’s a really, really talented guy and has really captured the attention of the audience much in the way that our good friend Cameron Britton did. Rader is a really complex character, too, and a guy that eluded authorities for 30 years, and committed his first murder in ‘74 and wasn’t arrested until 2005. So it was the longest period that a guy was ever at large, and huge breaks in between when he would commit murders. So fascinating character. I think we may see more of him. I don’t know.

Audience member 3: Jonathon and Holt, I’m just wondering, your characters’ relationship is one of the weirdest things I’ve seen. And it’s like this twilight zone between buddy and enemy. And I’m just wondering how you get to that place?

HM: We’ve seen in a lot of movies, this older cop, younger cop dynamic. It’s an archetype in Hollywood, even in a move like Seven, which is one of David’s movies also dealing with this genre. You saw Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt. In Dennis Hopper’s movie Colors, it’s Robert Duvall and Sean Penn; or in Training Day, it’s Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke. But the trick in my opinion is to not to try to borrow anything from a previous incarnations of this dynamic and to find what’s real, and natural and organic in this relationship. And even though Jonathan and I are very different, we found that we had tremendous chemistry as actors. And he’s a superbly talented actor, so we played off each other in a wonderful way. And what we found was humor. And I thought that that was really something that was important to mine because it’s a nice juxtaposition with the scenes with the serial killers, which are so dark, and grizzly, and graphic, and in many ways unsettling, as Cameron said. So to find some humor in the relationship between the two agents I thought was a nice counterbalance to that. So we looked for those moments.

Audience member 4: My question is for Anna because one of the things I think is really interesting about the show … and we were talking about sexuality and stuff before. One of the things that I think is interesting that goes unspoken is that a gay person probably wouldn’t have gotten security clearance in the 1970s from the FBI.

AT: We’re set in ‘79 and it was only a couple of year before that it was taken off the mental illness list.

Audience member 4: So I’m interested in your take on what the fact that she’s keeping this secret, in a sense, about her sexuality. Even if it’s just a secret of ommission, and how that relates to her attachment to her work?

AT: I think completely and then also not all. At the same time because that’s just the way of life, that’s how it was. But I loved that it was not spoken and I loved that the only little mention of it you get is when she’s talking to her girlfriend. And she’s like, “What? You’ve told them?” And she said, “Of course I haven’t told. It’s not even a discussion.” But it’s that and there’s little moments of it which she reacts quite strongly to the Brudos stuff. And there was one little line that you don’t know that she’s a lesbian at that point, I don’t think. But there’s one little thing where they’re talking about cross-dressing and Holden’s gone in with the shoe.

And she’s like, “That is not an antecedent to criminal behavior. It has been happening in every culture, in every city since the dawn of time and it does not make it deviant. We need to absolutely have a distinction.” And I remember doing that and going, “I don’t know if people will remember,” because I certainly knew why I was saying it, but I think it’s not for another couple of episodes that you [make the connection].

Audience member 4: There’s a lot of [true] crime shows [right now]. I was wondering as a part of this genre if you guys had any musings as to why they’re so popular?

JG: The month that our show came out in October of last year, that horrible Vegas shooting happened.

HM: Stephen Paddock, right? Killed all those people in Las Vegas.

JG: And it was just such a horrifying and chilling thing to see how relevant it is, to try and explore the idea of why. And I don’t think they ever have figured out why, with him in particular, the motivation. What is that? Why did that person do that? But I think with our show, I can’t speak for the other crime shows, but certainly, that’s the question we’re asking in this. And can you have empathy for people that are so below our contempt, you shouldn’t have time for them because they’re deplorable human beings and what they’ve done is unforgivable. But the idea of asking the question of why and using empathy as a tool to perhaps, in some way, understand why, or in some way to prevent it from happening again I think is just a noble human idea. Something that we’re all striving for.

HM: When that incident happened, the one that Jonathan is referencing, I called John Douglas who wrote the book Mindhunter. And I said to him, “John, if you were on the ground in Las Vegas right now and investigating this case, what were the questions that you would be asking?” And he had some interesting things to say. He said first of all, why did he choose those people? What did that group of people represent to him? What were the things that were going on in his life that led him to this moment where he stopped fantasizing about this kind of an act and actually committed it. Usually there’s a trigger. There’s something specific that happened that set him off. What was that? It might’ve been a fight with his wife, maybe he got fired from work. But generally, there is a triggering event. So trying to find that series of things that takes a guy from being … Because he was a man in his 60s. So why does a guy all of a sudden at that age wake up and decide to commit mass murder? And I think that’s why audiences find it so fascinating. It’s because they wanna know, too. Those people are so different than us, how did they become the way they are.

JG: And I think the bleak message of the show is that we’ll never really know. And we can try to understand and try to prevent things from happening, but evil just exists.

[cemeteryknives]

Hi sage!! How are you doing? :)

hi! life’s a lil bit wacky. i know i’m late on answering this, but i’ve had an interesting few days. monday morning my mom left for an Energy Democracy Alliance conference thing and i’ve been on my own for a few days.

so monday was good. i did my work, got stuff done, went to yoga, and went to a lecture on the connections between sports and activism and how athletes can use their voices. then on my walk home i ran into the campus redbull rep and got a free redbull then semi-accidentally drank it at 10pm. so i started watching mr. robot. great show but a bit scary. dyed my hair blue at midnight, then kept watching till 4am then took a shower then slept for 2 hours.

then i went to school (my old high school, bc i take that one english class there). i accidentally said hi to the principal who doesn’t know i’ve been taking that class for the past 5 months and also an administrator who’d also seen me the day before saw me again. so i’m busted for that, and can’t keep taking the class. wahoo. then i tried too hard to make plans with friends who are reasonably busy with regular life commitments and then i felt stupid.

then i started getting really lonely and sad and then watched the perks of being a wallflower to try to distract myself from that and it didn’t work and then i just paced around my house sobbing massively and punching the couch and considered walking to the hospital because i was feeling really really really death-y but then i remembered that i’d printed out a recipe for pineapple upside down cake earlier and decided to make it. i hacked a pineapple into bits and almost finished the batter but then realized we didn’t have eggs! tragic.

so i hopped on down the hill to Cool Aunt Friend Gretchen’s house with a box full of pineapple, batter, and a pan. she’s said in the past that i’m welcome to show up anytime, and i owed her for a past favor, so i figured it might be nice to bake a cake in her house! (my next door neighbors were busy, or i’d probably have just asked them for an egg, lol.) she was glad to see me and made me feel so damn valid… and she also had some other people from the lab who came over! they did homework together and i read a book while the cake was baking, and it was just really nice to be around people i love who care about me!

then we ate the cake together and it was really nice. then i went home and my mom had asked our housemate to have me call her when she got home, and nobody knew where i was (i left a note on the kitchen table but apparently our housemate didn’t go into the kitchen smh), and she’s really mad and doesn’t believe that i was actually at gretchen’s house and she doesn’t know why i chose that place to go (bc i fucking feel safe there, mom!) or whatever. but it’ll all get figured out. it’ll be fine.

anyway after that stressful phone call i just plain went the fuck to bed. i got like  a solid, beautiful 10 hours of sleep, and i woke up this morning refreshed and happy because it’s supposed to be nice and warm out today! i changed the sheets on my bed because i was supposed to do that monday, straightened up the living room, reheated some soup, and boiled some apple cider down to solid burnt sugar form (big oops). and i watched the second-to-last episode of the office. i don’t want it to end. endings, man. they aren’t necessarily bad, but they’re still hard. (that’s what she said.)

now i’m at the lab, and i’m about to go back outside.

thanks for asking! i doubt you wanted an answer that in-depth, but you got one. deal with it. i love you