#I have school stress syndrome and this is how I cope

[elystelleven]

Just an art dump of some of my silly willy PureLily fluffathons from months ago, nothing to see here~

(feat. my older and slightly more inconsistent art style)

[animebw]

So! In order to keep myself from losing my goddamn mind in the aftermath of that G-Witch episode (how are we supposed to wait two weeks for the next episode I swear to fuck), I want to take a second and focus on something this show has done exceptionally well, but that I haven’t really seen talked about at all. Namely, the fact that Suletta is one of the best examples of an overpowered protagonist I’ve ever seen.

And yes, she is canonically overpowered. As long as she has Aerial by her side, she can curb-stomp pretty much every opponent without breaking a sweat. Time and again, she goes up against impossible odds and wipes the floor with them The best duelist at school? Chump. Facing multiple opponents alone and outnumbered? Child’s play. And honestly, I was starting to get annoyed by it around the end of the first season. How are we supposed to believe Suletta’s ever going to be in danger if she’s so ludicrously stronger than everyone else?

And then The Slap happened, and everything turns upside-down.

See, what makes season 1′s cliffhanger ending so goddamn powerful isn’t just the sight of our cheerful bumbling protagonist liquifying a living person into red paste in front of her horrified fiance. It’s not just the realization of how deep Prospera’s manipulation has twisted Suletta’s sense of identity. No, the real secret behind The Slap’s brilliance is that it retroactively makes every single moment of Overpowered Suletta fucking terrifying. Suddenly, we realize that her overwhelming strength in battle is a direct result of Prospera’s influence, raising her to be the perfect pawn in her little scheme. The reason she’s able to knock the socks off every single opponent she faces isn’t just Latent Protag Syndrome; it’s because her mother crafted her into a relentless warrior with the strength to destroy any obstacle in the path to her revenge. Suletta’s strength in battle isn’t just overwhelming; it’s dangerous, to herself and everyone around her. And the second she has to unleash that strength in a situation more serious than a no-casualties school sporting match, it becomes instantly, horrifyingly clear that she is in no way ready to grapple with the great responsibility that comes with such great power.

In other words, what first seemed like just a case of another anime protagonist winning every fight because reasons turns on its head and makes that overpowered nature a source of fear, both for the audience and for Miorine. So instead of ending up a boring tension-killer where we’re never afraid for Suletta’s safety, the fact that she’s capable of such force becomes the most critical source of tension and conflict driving her and Miorine’s story in the second season. Suletta being so overpowered is an explicit character flaw, at least as long as Prospera’s claws are in her. Because just because she can punch away any physical threat in her path doesn’t mean she’s not vulnerable in countless other areas. She may be the strongest in a fight, but she has nowhere near the strength of character to deal with the political schemes and emotional burdens that come about as a result of that strength. All that skill on the battlefield doesn’t mean shit when you can’t see how that skill is being manipulated for dark ends, or causing you to take on stress and trauma you have no healthy way of coping with. Suletta can smash her way to victory in any fight, and yet she’s the most vulnerable, least protected person in the entire cast, in no small part thanks to the forces that made her so strong in the first place.

There’s a reason characters like Saitama from One Punch Man and Mob from Mob Psycho 100 are so beloved, despite being so overpowered. ONE knows that in order to make an overpowered character interesting, you need to give them struggles beyond the scope of their powers to fix. Saitama can punch a mountain in half, but he can’t punch his way out of existential ennui; that’s just as much of a struggle for him as any normal person. Mob’s psychic powers can’t solve his emotional turmoil or provide him the perfect path toward maturity; he has to figure that out himself. They are overwhelmingly strong in fights, but the primary conflict of their stories has very little to do with those fights and everything to do with their growth as people. They’re stories about how even being the strongest person alive doesn’t protect you from the challenges of life that everyone on this planet faces, and their journeys to self-actualization are enormously compelling as a result. No one remembers the overpowered exploits of Isekai Harem Protagonist du jour; everyone remembers watching Saitama and Mob slowly find their way forward in life, one simple step at a time.

Suletta, in my eyes, is very much in the same vein. Like Saitama and Mob and all the best overpowered protagonists, her writing understands that being incredibly skilled in one area doesn’t mean you can’t be challenged in others- and in Mob’s case especially, how that incredible skill can actually be the biggest obstacle for the challenge you actually need to overcome. Suletta’s skill in battle is made compelling by her lack of that same skill in other areas, and the ultimate conflict of Gundam Witch is a conflict she cannot punch her way out of. If she’s going to survive this chaos and live happily every after with Miorine, she will need to struggle to overcome her years of conditioning and emotional uncertainty. She will need to struggle just as Mob struggled, just as Saitama struggled, not just to learn the skills she hasn’t developed yet, but to push back against the influence that resulted in her being so freakishly strong in the first place. Suletta is an overpowered protagonist who’s overpowered nature is, itself, the greatest challenge she will have to overcome in order to truly save herself and the people she loves. And I think that’s really damn neat.

[colleencrossingg]

So this happened.

I apologize for my inactivity, school and work has been absolutely insane. I have been playing New Leaf every day though to get as much as I can before the servers shut down. Yes, this includes exchanging 100 visits with randos on Reddit for unlimited hacked Sanrio items. I decorated the bottom floor of my house, so I’ll post that later. I also started the Beautiful Town ordinance, because I am SICK of watering flowers.

I finished funding for both the Roost and the Dream Suite (with the help of friendly Redditors), so my main focus has been trying to visit others and get to 500 dreams. If you want me to visit, leave your Dream Address!

Things in my personal life are not going as well. My dog passed away yesterday at 6 years old. We have no idea what happened, but it seems as if he had severe organ failure. He was always very sick, even as a puppy, but this was very unusual and he declined very quickly. I don’t want to get into it, but this was the third major health scare in less than 9 months where we thought we’d have to put him down.

I am struggling to get things done because I am having POTS flare ups and I have been dealing with depression-related fatigue. I am trying to keep going, but it is hard. I am also dealing with a lot of stress because of my fiancée, because we might have to move in June so he can start grad school. He is stressing me out with financial talk and trying to convince me to enter a mortgage on a property I’ve never even seen in a city we’ve never been to. The FAFSA delay is screwing us because we don’t know how much in loans we’ll have to take out, so this affects which school he chooses to attend. I also don’t know what I’ll be doing until I can start my MA program. I may try to take Chinese or Vietnamese courses as a nonmetriculated student at the university my fiancée is going to, or I may be ambitious and try to do it at the Ivy League school nearby…

I recently won two awards for my thesis as well as my service to the department I belong to. I am dealing with major impostor syndrome because of this. I don’t feel like I deserve to win, and I even consulted my favorite professor to make sure that he didn’t influence the decision in any way because he is the department chair. I’m not sure if I want to even attend the ceremony because I am dealing with intense body image issues and if anybody tries to take a picture of me, I’ll go insane.

I will try to post occasional updates if I can. Animal Crossing is my main coping mechanism through everything going on. I have so many other games I want to play, but so little time.

I want to try the new Stardew Update, but I have such minimal progress in my main save file. I’m horrible with getting through the Skull Cavern mines, and it’s really holding me back. I haven’t played Stardew in a very long time, so I may just play from a completely different save file and start over.

Another game I’ve been playing more lately is Minecraft. I wouldn’t say it’s been a full-on intense Minecraft phase, but I started a new "Survival" world (I play on Peaceful until it’s not convenient for me - I have been playing for 12 years and beaten the game numerous times, I know what I’m doing!) and I’m trying to exit my comfort zone by building in biomes I would usually skip over.

Sorry for my inactivity, shit is rough right now. I don’t know what else to say. I deal with grief really weird for someone who is extremely mentally ill and emotionally unstable. I’m oddly fine. He died in such a traumatic state, so maybe it’s me knowing that he’s at peace now. I don’t know.

Also this has been me every morning sitting in my office at school high as FUCK listening to Strawberry Switchblade/Rose McDowall and getting absolutely nothing done. I have absolutely cooked my Spotify Wrapped and it’s not even April.

Ok I’ll update you in another month. 🫡

[legit9thlunaticwarrior]

i wanted to talk a little bit about mental health and how i’m doing recently

trigger warning: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, borderline imposter syndrome, disordered eating/thoughts

for a while now, i’ve been pretty low with a few days here and there where i’m genuinely happy. may and june were so rough in every way and august is seeming to turn the same direction.

i also have lost a lot of my passion for cosmetology. i hate this school and it’s slowly making me hate what once was comforting to me. my director legit doesn’t care, there so much unnecessary fucking drama, and i’m not having fun anymore. i never get to show my skills. i’m like a robot: haircut, root touch up, wash and blow, deep conditioning treatment, haircut, root touch up, wash and blow, deep conditioning treatment. same thing, over and over and over again. i’m good at what i do but i hate doing it now. it’s not just me, all of my friends are sick of it too. the only time we get to have fun is when we (rarely) get to work on each other.

i’ve been having a lot of silent panic and anxiety attacks lately and i can’t find the trigger.

my weight has been getting brought up a lot since i returned to normal life after being sick for a month. the weight i lost was not lost in a healthy way. i had become terrified of food and was rarely eating. when i was eating, it was bland foods. my weight and body image have been an issue of mine for almost 10 years. and that’s absurd and upsetting considering i’m turning 20. i don’t like being scared of food and restricting myself so much that i’m not enjoying anything anymore. i want to be able to go to shake shack with my lunch bunch and not worry about repercussions; i refuse to do that to myself again.

acting like i’m okay and forgetting things as a coping mechanism works until you’re crying uncontrollably at 2am and you can’t figure out what’s wrong. you’re just crying because you feel so full and heavy of emotions that you can’t verbalize to anyone without breaking down and fucking up your words. i know that when i’m stressed or anxious, something will hurt physically. my teeth and head have been hurting constantly for almost a week.

it’s like i’ll have the greatest high, the best fucking day ever; but then it comes crashing down so fast you can’t even recognize it’s happening, until you’re left in the rubble of it all.

that’s all i want to say for now. i just want to say thank you to all of you that follow me and show me support and love and kindness. i feel i don’t express that enough. i truly appreciate all of you dolls

[can-i-find-my-place]

I've been in a really reflexive mood the last few weeks. Probably from all of the change that's been happening. I'm not sure how frequent these will be since I'm a *busy gorl*, but I'll post when I have a good thought to share. Again, I like to use this account for stupid memes and as a diary. I don't really care about anything else in regard to these posts. Sorry in advance that it's long. I just have a lot to say.

I'm a first year doctoral student. There were so many times in my life where I never thought I'd get to say that. I knew I wanted to "go all the way" with my degree since I was really little. I decided I would get my Master's degree when I was only 5...like...girlfriend we're still figuring out how to hold a pencil correctly and how to hold our tray in the cafeteria, but okay. I didn't even know what I wanted to be when I grew up (whatever that means). I just knew I would "love it and be really good at it" (I know one of those is true, but I'd like to believe both are true tbh). There were just so many times where I didn't think I'd be alive to experience this or I was too stupid. I want to say that first part again. I didn't think I would be alive to experience this...but I am. I think that's what has kept the imposter syndrome away this time. I haven't had the time to think "I'm not enough" because all I can think is "you made it". I so badly wish I could talk to sad, baby teenage Lauren and tell her, "you're going to be okay. You made it."

In one of my classes this week, we talked about the difference between stress and distress. Stress is good for you and is a part of your life on a biological level. We all experience it (differently, I might add). Distress is when a being fails to cope with stress, which can lead to some pretty bad things happening (depression, death, you know, the really fun stuff). I feel like this past year is the first time I have not been operating in distress mode. Obviously I didn't die (that would be a weird post) based on the previous paragraph, but I definitely have had my fair share of depression from a lot of things distressing me. Now, while I am happy, that's not to say I'm not experiencing stress (remember, I'm a doctoral student, of course I'm stressed).

In order to deal with all the stress from changes, I've been looking for the little victories. Little signs that show me I'm heading in a good direction. Today, I had a big one. To keep this already long story short, I had a very small financial inconvenience this morning. I have my bills set to automatically do their thing because my brain is a busy (and dark) place to be. Earlier this week, the bills did not do their thing and I had to do the thing for them in person at the bank instead. I hate "adulting" tasks like this because 90% of the time I don't think I know what I'm doing. HOWEVER, it went great. Next, I had to tackle finding my admin building on my campus to pick up my paper paycheck (idk I thought that was weird too). And I did it. I was even able to help another student in the process (I'm usually in one building on my new campus so you'd usually have better luck asking a rock for directions, but this was different and I was so excited to be able to help). I looked at my check, did some math, and realized "woah...I'm going to be okay". I meant it financially (I grew up not poor, but definitely not well off at all), but then I just repeated it over and over again until it really hit me and I cried. I'm not just going to be okay financially. I'm going to be okay overall. I'm going to school. I'm going to finish my degree. I'm going to get a job I love and that I'm really good at. And I'm going to be happy. I'm so glad I'm still here.

TLDR: I'm in a new city where I don't know any one, I live alone, I'm nervous, and I'm going to be okay.

(And I'm going to be Dr. Can-I-find-my-place one day) :)

[seizethegreenday]

Dilemma

July 25th, 2024

I’ve been drinking again. It’s a weird feeling. I mean, I’ve never been alcoholic or something like that, but lately I’ve been drinking in a way I hadn’t in a long time, the stranger days are here again. This past year has been stressful, everyday a new patient and everyday a new challenge and a new mystery to solve. I mean, it’s kinda cool, because I get to practice, and I feel confident about what I’m doing, I’m not afraid anymore about treating people or making choices, I just hope to make the right ones. But, also, that confidence has come with stress and challenges and loads of work, sometimes I can’t keep my thought in order, sometimes I can’t listen to what others tell me. It’s like a trance, like in the background there’s always noise and static, like if the voices in my head are the ones with more volume. Does that make any sense?

I’ve tried to cope with it, I talked a lot with my girlfriend, but I don’t want to overwhelmed her with this. I’ve also tried my parents, but they also feel disconnected, my dad always says the same thing, he says “well, at least there’s work”, and my mom doesn’t listen, she only wants to talk about herself. It’s been weird, in the world of medicine not everyone gets to understand.

On the other hand, the plan to immigrate to the UK is now in motion and it comes with new challenges. I was really confident at first, but now that I’m studying and practicing for the English examen and, well, I just realized that it’s not that easy. Knowing how to write, speak or watch movies isn’t enough. And I haven’t done an examen in 3 or 4 years, I’ve lost practice in how to study. I sit down and read the exercises and I’m having a hard time focusing, it’s stressful. And every time I feel this, the memories come to haunt me. Those memories of not being enough. I wasn’t smart enough to get into the school I wanted, even though I took a course, I wasn’t smart enough. Even at school, I wasn’t the best, always good, never the best, always second.

I gotta say, the feeling of not being enough haunts me to this day. I feel like I should be better, I try really damn hard, but I just can’t feel better. There’s a bit of impostor syndrome in there and that’s it, that’s my dilemma, always the feeling of not being enough, muted by drinking. But I don’t want that, I don’t want to be a dead man walking, I want to be better, I want to be good, I want people to be proud of me. I want to feel proud of myself. I don’t want this nightmare anymore.

[angeltiique]

OH MY GOD.

i just realised.

this is my blog.

i can do whatever i want.

so heres a giant fucking ramble with as many thoughts on Shenggou Ye as i can manage (who if you dont know is an oc belonging to my wonderful best friend reese aka rai aka rai.diate and her story universe Liar Liar Chaos Fire 😁 she doesnt know im doing this, this is for me):

if you dont know how did you NOT know shenggou ye accidentally became a biiiiiiit of a hyperfixation for me (exaggerating). reese and i can't exactly pinpoint when it started but we think its around the time we started a zombie apocolypse roleplay with us two and another friend <3

i love him so much i daydream and fantasise about him every moment i get. i see the colour red, or a wild dog or hyena, something to do with kung fu, or any obscure thing that i manage to tie him to and i go absolutely FERAL. hyenas are now my favourite animal because of him. i see a ricecooker and laugh at how he loves rice because his asian ass is so goofy (just like me fr). i love the colours red and teal which are his main colours. my favourite songs are loose cannon by set it off and mama by mcr which are his songs. he is TAKING OVER MY LIFE /POS

i feel bad that i dont get like this with other characters, especially my other friends and even my OWN, but thats just what ended up happening and i cannot seem to control myself lol

i even made up a list of why i kin him do you want to see it well too bad youre seeing it anyway i told you this is a megapost megalist mega fuckfest okay not a fuckfest but you get the idea:

SHENGGOU KIN MOMENTS:

- large hearts, both literally and metaphorically

- imposter syndrome (self-doubt, feeling like a fraud/liar)

- scared of being disowned/losing loved ones

- making jokes during serious moments (struggling to cope so makes light of the situation = ends up brushing it off/ignoring it)

- loving our best friend from high school fr fr /gen /pl and being so excited when we see them <3

- saying fucky ass and baybee (im the reason he says it LMAOOO)

- gayass motherfuckers (both bi)

- WE BOTH HAVE PUSSIES LMAOOOO and we aren't really dysphoric about it hell yeah (im trans and sheng is intersex 💪)

- lying lying chaos crying (i know a lot of them lie but shhhhhh)

- not being good at voice regulation/shutting the fuck up LMAO (apparently its a sign of autism... shenggou ye autism real!!? /j)

- having silly laughs <3 idk my mama makes fun of my laughs and he has a silly laugh it counts sshhhh

- he probably sits on surfaces weirdly or on places you wouldn't normally sit on, and i sit weirdly so YEAH

- sex jokes? yes please (they are funny !!!)

- dramatic as hell but its because we are silly goofy

- annoying as fuck but its slash pos

and thats all i had but theres probably more in fact im doing things because he does them, like saying "L" LMAOO BUT i mean it in an endearing way 🫶

ive also been calling my mother mama a LOT more like thats WHAT ive been calling her exclusively and i know for a fact its because shenggou calls HIS MOTHER mama and the song mama by mcr again. tsk tsk this hyperfixation is legit taking over. but i love it so much.

hes all i want to daydream about. we (friends and i) have a running joke that he is my husband, i love calling him my dearest darling husband shenggou ye. its great. but i like thinking about him with me during the day, maybe doing something stupid or dangerous and laughing at him, him helping me calm tf down when im stressed. its a weird coping mechanism but strangely effective!! i prefer keeping to myself but thinking about him with me makes me feel more seen and heard and loved. and reese is a bit like him, so its also like having my best friend with me even if shes not really. i like to think i can tell shenggou anything because thats how i feel about her. again, its all really stupid and cringe but its really nice and fun

im only now realising this is probably just turning a friends oc into a para. or like. something like a para. i mean the daydreams do get vivid.. Huh!

anyway thats about all i feel like sharing, i dont expect anyone to see this like all my other posts, i just enjoy screaming into the void and seeing if anyone screams back. let it be known, having weird coping mechanisms is cool and youre so.valid. /gen biggest hugest thank you to my bestie reese for creating this goober i am obsessed with. without her art that captures his handsomeness and her writing that demonstrates his personality i would never have fallen so deeply in love with him to the point of delusion.

Now if you'll Excuse me. i am going to dream the Best dreams (shenggou will be in it). thank you and Goodnight ^_^

[resiliencementalhealthsupport]

I Can’t Take It Anymore!

My name is Jane, and I’m 20 years old. I’m currently recuperating from a mental breakdown. Since 2018, I have been dealing with depression where the feelings of sadness are constant. I have dealt with suicidal ideas before but have since progressed with the mental health support from my doctor and case manager at the Institute of Mental Health (IMH). Without their constant care as well as care from my family and friends, I would not have been able to make it through in life thus far.

If the world sees 2019 as the start of a tragedy, my personal hell started one year earlier. I was facing a high level of stress and had numerous responsibilities. I also had difficulties adapting to a new school environment and having to mix with a new bunch of people. What did not help was the rising need for independence as I progressed into another significant phase of my life which was entering into university.

Back then, I was a complete wreck and I could not bring myself to go to school. Often being on medical leave and feeling highly drowsy due to the new medication I was consuming, I was constantly sleeping and was completely exhausted from that period of arduous time which was immensely filled with stress and sadness.

My parents figured out that I needed help given my constant state of depression and hence they decided to bring me to the nearest hospital for medical assistance. Initially, I was really hesitant to listen to their advice and to visit the doctor as I felt that I was completely alright and was just trying to cope with another phase in life. I never thought I would be diagnosed with a mental medical condition that would be in my health records for life. It was devastating to be having this illness. Furthermore, it would be needed for me to declare my mental health for stuff like insurance and this definitely leads to a higher premium.

Needless to say the social stigma that people would have of my medical condition. I was really scared that people would judge me and treat me as a patient with mental illness. Although it was something that could be recovered from, it had definitely negatively impacted my life as it was deemed as something socially undesirable.

Despite it, I am sincerely thankful for my parents’ decision to bring me to the hospital. If not for this decision, I might still be in the midst of struggling to cope all by myself. I am also very grateful for the doctors and medical officers who gave me a lot of aid in my mental health recovery. In my doctor’s words, while I may be backtracking in life and may be facing hiccups, I would still be able to rise up better and stronger against life.

I recognised that the road ahead to recovery is tough and I would have a lot of things I would need to do ahead of me. I had to focus on my recovery and keeping my mood peaceful and unaffected by the things happening around me. The constant strive for excellence in my studies also had to be put to one side as I had to start fighting my inner demons. To be honest, I was really uncertain about how my life would progress from there on.

I also found out that there are numerous benefits to meditation.

Benefits 

What conditions it can help with 

-Gaining a new perspective on stressful situations

-Building skills to manage your stress

-Increasing self-awareness

-Focusing on the present

-Reducing negative emotions

-Increasing imagination and creativity

-Increasing patience and tolerance

-Anxiety

-Asthma

-Cancer

-Chronic pain

-Depression

-Heart disease

-High blood pressure

-Irritable bowel syndrome

-Sleep problems

-Tension headaches

My case manager and doctor also encouraged me to join mental health support groups which I eventually did. There were numerous benefits to joining a support group: 

Feeling less lonely, isolated or judged

Reducing distress, depression, anxiety or fatigue

Talking openly and honestly about your feelings

Improving skills to cope with challenges

Staying motivated to manage chronic conditions or stick to treatment plans

Gaining a sense of empowerment, control or hope

Improving understanding of a disease and your own experience with it

Getting practical feedback about treatment options

Learning about health, economic or social resources

Most importantly to me, it was about getting practical feedback about treatment options. What mattered to me was how I was going to progress from here on and how to prevent the symptoms from coming back. I certainly would not want a relapse where all my efforts are wasted.

‘Tough times don’t last, tough people do’ was certainly my motto as it constantly reminded me that difficult times would pass and life would still move on. Just like how the sun would rise every morning, my life would still move on after every setback and obstacle. Only the strongest would be able to overcome whatever life throws at her. Also, I am immensely grateful for my mental health support that has been provided for me throughout this difficult time.

Visit here for more info: https://www.resilience.org.sg/

[medsurvival]

Dear reader,

The reason I started this blog is because I wanted to document my journey throughout medschool.The past two years in medical school have been a little difficult both in my academic and social life.

This is the truth that no one tells you about medical school.

It is not all about the aesthetic, it is not all about the title you get after graduation and it is not definietly about neglecting yourself for your education. It is a very slow, tortuous and laborious path that will examine every ounce of stregnth you have. It will push you to the breaking point and pull you back. It is a very long path that will test your mental and physical strength. I have 4 years left, as the total is seven years of study. This drains your hope of reaching your goals. As the years get longer, the obstacles you face also multiply. From peer pressure to pressure from the senior doctors, you will start questioning your decesion making skills. You will feel as if eveything you say is wrong and that you know nothing. You will feel as if you are wasting your years without amounting to nothing.

During my first two years of study, I have made decesions that have led to the deterioration of my mental and physical health. Although I haven't been clinically diagnosed, there are certain symptoms and signs that don't need a medical degree to notice. These unfavourable conditions have had negative effects on my physical health as well resulting in me over eating to cope with the stress that was prevealent in my life. The weight gain that resulted from that has led to a disorted body image where I couldn't see my self as attractive or desirable although that was far from the truth. My self confidence plummeted because I compared myself to other people, I couldn't form healthy boundaries because I felt that I would be abandoned by people if I had restrictions, I became insecure in my apperance and my clothing style which made me waste a lot of money on clothing and accessories because I wanted to fit in and I would have manic and depressive episodes which affected my sleeping pattern, apetite and memory.

I would think all this was hard on me because I was weak and undeserving of the opportunity I had. This gradually led to the development of imposter syndrome where I felt as if I wasn't enough, as if I didn't have the abilities required to be a medical student. I felt inferior to the other student with their studying and good grades. In order to escape this, I would go out to hang out with people who had questionable characters and never had second thoughts about manipulating me to get what they want. My first and half of second year of medical school went like this.

A new change started in my life when we had a minor course on the half of second year, which didn't require attendance. I stayed in my dormitory for the whole two months not even going to go out for meals. I entered a period of self reflection where I thought about the past choices I made and their effects on my present life. After an agonizing and meditative period, I did a lot of shadowwork on myself and defined my problems and their solutions. By the time the course was over, I was already adapted to my new mindset. This solved my social and personal problems and only the academical problems remained.

I didn't know how to study. That was the truth. I was a gifted overachiever in my highschool years. I didn't need to have long and intensive study sessions to understand the materials. Hence, I had no clue on how to do structured studying sessions. I reserached studying methods and tried them out sacrificing my grades in the process. I am still experimenting but I am confident that I am doing better than before.

I also decided to be open to the relationship aspect. Before, I didn't feel as if men were to be trusted and only had physical attachments that didn't pass the kissing stage. Currently, I have a boyfriend that is caring, academically gifted and amazing. Although he will be leaving after 6 months as he is in his internship year of medical school, I consider this a good experience in the dating department and I hope our relationship continues outside medical school.

I have also refined my social circle. I am only friends with people that have a healthy perception of what friendship is. I enjoy their company and do not feel like an outsider or feel awkward with them.

My advice is to remember who you are, to be yourself and to know your principles and routines. These have helped me on my journey to a better medical school life.

Join me on my journey through medical school. 😊

[anxiously-awaiting]

i think max could go apeshit... as a treat

[thegrandlinesimp]

Hii! I saw your autism awareness event and I think it's so cool that you're doing this! Last year I found out I have autism and things finally made sense to me after all these years. So I'd like to request something for this event ☺️

May I request Zoro/Law with 'Reaction to first seeing their s/o have a shutdown'. I suffer from panic attacks (luckily I'm doing a lot better lately, but oof). So this prompt feels recognisable :)

Thank you 💕

As requested over PM I switched out Law for Bartolomeo (my simpy cutie!)

Panic attacks aren’t a far cry from shutdowns in my own experience (I get both so I gotta do an assessment on how I feel when I know one is coming on cause my coping for each is vastly different). For me the main differences are how fast my heart is going and if I can talk, for both there’s still that general sense of fear, that everyone is looking at me.

I get things making sense, I went through all of school not knowing I had autism (turns out my parents had an inclining but never got me tested) and literally 2-3 weeks before finals in my last year I got tested.

Fun bombshell.

Case in point: IF YOU THINK YOU OR YOUR CHILD HAS AUTISM GET THE TEST DONE!!! THIS GOES FOR ANYTHING!!! DOWN SYNDROME, ADD, ADHD, SCHIZOPHRENIA!!! ANYTHING!!!

Note: Barto’s one is with an S/O whose shutdown was induced by stress, yes, this can happen, I was once so stressed I had them weekly for three weeks straight 😊 fun times

BTW: anything written like this is information pertaining to autism that helps add context and is written in such a way that one’s eyes are drawn to it but is easier to ignore than if it was in bold.

Warning: Zoro’s is a bit panic inducing, proceed with caution!

Zoro and Bartolomeo: first time seeing their autistic!S/O have a shutdown

Zoro

Again, I feel this would happen at a famous Straw Hat party, and pretty early in the relationship too

Tbh this dummy doesn’t really notice anything wrong till someone points you out to him, too busy taking part in tasting the local drink

But when some local says “that pirate’s acting pretty weird” he gets worried

He knows you’re different, you explained it to him as best as you could, and he recalls you saying something about “turning off” when you get sensitive

When he sees you, he wishes he listened better

You’ve found a secluded spot not too far from the ship, probably having tried to make it there before you shutdown fully

Laying on your side, body tense yet there’s little twitches in your limbs every now and then, knees pulled up and hands clutched to your chest, they’re twitching the most

Then he realises they’re not twitching

You’re scratching…

No, clawing at your own skin!

This is also known as self-harm stimming, where the person is unable to help but hurt themselves as a means to get out of the current state they’re in. such actions include scratching one’s skin long after it bleeds, hitting oneself, using objects to self-harm. From personal experience the need to do so is incredibly strong and occurs more when in a depressive state followed by an anxious state, such as a shutdown

As soon as he realises this, his immediate instinct is to grab your wrists as he shouts for you to stop

You want to scream at the sudden touch, kick out, flail, yet your body tenses, knees curling up tighter to your chest, breath coming in little gasps as you curl in on yourself mentally and physically

Zoro’s stomach flips at your reaction, but he holds fast, keeping a firm – near bruising – grip on your arms, thinking to himself that whatever discomfort you’re feeling is better than adding to the flecks of blood under your fingernails

Even with your eyes squeezed shut, you can feel his intense gaze on you, which only worsens the numb inducing terror pumping through your veins

Too many eyes, hands to tight, everything too loud, too much too much too much, helphelphelphelp!

You want to shout it all at him yet you can’t even open your mouth

It’s Robin who finds the two of you, within seconds she’s assessed the situation and takes immediate action, telling Zoro to keep holding you while she runs to the ship

She ends up coming back with Chopper, who saw her dashing about and knew something was up for the woman to be in such a state

Robin carefully drapes a blanket over you, and Chopper changes into his Walk Point form, laying the front half of his body across yours

The reindeer says Zoro can let go of you now, which he does very reluctantly

It surprises the swordsman when you seem to cling to Chopper’s fur, the young doctor flinching a little at the tight grip but not voicing any discomfort

When you eventually calm down, Chopper carries you back to the ship on his back, not caring if you’re too heavy, he patches your cuts (thankfully not too deep) and has you rest in the infirmary for the remainder of the crew’s stay at the island

Zoro watches you for the next few weeks like a hawk, Chopper ends up having to explain exactly what happened

He promises to do better for you, asking the ship’s doctor dozens of questions to better prepare himself

He’s gonna feel guilty when he realises that he made the whole thing worse, give him time, tell him he didn’t know and you forgive him, he’ll come around

(there weren't enough gifs on here to I grabbed one off google, and the fact that this gif isn't available on Tumblr is a sin)

Bartolomeo

Thankfully he does better than the previously mentioned green haired boy

Honestly the day was lovely, strong wind filling the Going Luffy-Senpai’s (I will never get over this ship’s name) sails, bringing with it the crips smell of the sea and rolling waves

Surprisingly good weather for the Grand Line

Bartolomeo was cheery as ever, ready for his crew’s next adventure

Only, he couldn’t seem to find his number one partner in crime, you

It was odd, you were usually out on deck, soaking up the warm sun or shouting profanities at oncoming storms, so to not have your lively presence on deck was making him a little uneasy

He eventually finds you in your shared cabin, wrapped up in a bunch of blankets, curled up on the bed

Of course, his immediate thought is: ‘cuddles!’

As one can guess this didn’t go well

The moment he goes to climb into bed next to you, you let out a soft, short, high-pitched whine

He pauses, having never heard you make that sound

“Ev-…everything okay, babe?” he asks as he reaches out to place a hand on your shoulder

Only for you to flinch again, whining once more

Bartolomeo starts to panic, were you hurt? Why didn’t you say anything to him? Why didn’t you tell him? What was going on?!

“…No…touch…” you manage to mumble, curling up tighter

Now, Bartolomeo isn’t the smartest man, but he has a decent memory, and he remembers you telling him about your autism, how sometimes you just didn’t want to be touched because it upset you

…Or…or something like that?

His first thought is to make a funny face to make you laugh, if you laugh you won’t be upset anymore, right?

Hmm, but you don’t seem to want to move, and you’re hiding under the blanket

Favourite food? No, you need to move for that as well…

And then he has a brilliant idea…that – obviously – involves the Straw Hats

He pulls out a scrap book from a draw, flipping through the various newspaper clippings before coming across one of the funniest news articles involving Luffy-senpai and his crew

Bartolomeo sits down on the floor with his back against the bed, and begins to read

He tries to keep his voice as quiet as possible, recalling you saying you hate shouting when you’re ‘upset’, though he does get a little excitable and ends up giggling every now and then

It’s by the fourth news article that you begin to giggle along with him

Once he’s finished the article he turns to grin at you, but his smile falls when he sees you’ve been crying

“Cuddle?” you whisper, a faint smile on your face

He returns the smile, climbing onto the covers so as not to disturb your blanket cocoon and wrapping his arms around you

He doesn’t mind that you don’t feel like talking right now, there’s plenty of time for you to explain everything to him later

[misty-wisp]

speaking of shadow selves what do you think hamuko's shadow would be like?

definitely a representation of all the pent-up feelings she's been hiding from everyone over the years. all of the rage and misery that she's kept bottled up in order to make sure that she looks just as happy as she should be.

this wound up being a long post lmao

i always like to imagine that the positive and upbeat attitude that kotone has is an act she does to cope with everything happening around her. think about it: her parents(and twin brother depending on whether you headcanon that) died, we have no clue what the hell her childhood was like after that, the minute it seems that she's going to live a normal high school life she's suddenly bombarded with the nighttime's extra creepy hour summoning scary-ass shadow monsters she has to beat up with a diet stand, and not to mention apathy syndrome and the sleep paralysis demon child she has to deal with every once in awhile.

it'd be crazy!!! it'd be stressful!!! it'd drive her insane!! but no, she's gotta be that happy-go-lucky girl who definitely doesn't have anything wrong with her, not at all!

i'd imagine that the moment her persona would start to break away from her and instead form as her shadow would be after shinjiro's death. at that point, she'd think that everything's fine, she's gotten used to the whole dark hour deal...and then one of her friends just fucking died. or almost fucking died. depends on how you think her route would go in canon.

whether he survived or not, that puts SEES's entire deal back into perspective: she's not just the leader of some team of anime protagonists who'll be perfectly okay no matter what happens. she's just a young girl, and the lives of her and her friends are in real danger, and she just saw one of the reasons why with her own two eyes. and guess what?? that's gonna stress her out even more!! hell, let's throw in her not feeling good enough to be the field leader she's supposed to be because one of her friends (almost) fucking died, even if it's not her fault!!! (and if we go with the "shinjiro lives" route, then she technically saved his life, but i think she wouldn't realize that for awhile)

and for the hell of it, let's throw in orpheus going berserk here and there to show how she's losing sense of herself with all this stress within her.

and when her shadow fully appears, i'd bet that that's around december. her stress is at its peak. the lover of one of her friends just died, and another close friend of hers(or hell, her lover if you see him as such) turned out to be the embodiment of death itself. and he just left her and everyone to figure out whether she's gonna kill him!! so they'd forget everything and live in ignorant bliss as the world ends!! doesn't that sound fun???

no. it doesn't.

not at all.

so i'd imagine that her shadow would be just...a visual representation of a pure, stressful mental breakdown. all of the emotions, all of the fury, the misery, the pain, everything...all of the feelings she's hidden away to put on a happy face in hopes that everyone will think she's okay. lots of yelling, lots of screaming...the exact opposite of the way kotone would've been acting that entire year.

[after-witch]

Baby Mine [Yandere Overhaul x Reader]

Title: Baby Mine [Yandere Overhaul x Reader]

Synopsis:  The first time you laid eyes on your child, you knew: You had to get out. Set in the ‘White Picket Fence’-verse. 

For request: Something with Overhaul + the reader’s children and manipulation (I’m sorry I accidentally deleted the original message so I don’t remember the exacting wording!)

Word Count: 3328

notes: yandere, stockholm syndrome, abuse

From the instant you laid eyes on your daughter, the moment your gaze took in her fresh, wet skin and her small, blinking, uncomprehending eyes, you knew: you had to get the fuck away from Chisaki Kai.

The realization was instant, like a flash, peeling away years of manipulation and training and forced self-acceptance of your situation. Years of justifications and excuses that had wormed their way under your skin, forcing you to see the bright side, to see his side, and let yourself get wrapped up in its candy-coated, fluffy cotton bullshit--gone, ripped away with brutal, exacting force. All that was left was the stark realization, a single driving force shoving you forward: you and your daughter were going to get out.

That was four years ago.

Four years of agonizing pretending. Of forcing yourself to put back on the coat you'd worn before, the false version of yourself that loved him and accepted him and excused everything he ever did to you. It was hard. It was harder to pretend that you accepted this than to actually accept it, to indulge in his control. But every time your resolve weakened, it only took a glance at your child to remind you of why you couldn't just give in.

You had to get out, not for yourself, but for her. To give her a normal life. A life where she could be free, where she could have friends, where she could run outside and not be limited to the house or, if the weather was nice, the secure, high-fenced backyard that Kai had only built within the last year.

Four years of pretending. Four years of planning. And, most difficult of all, four years of waiting. Trust was not easily given by Chisaki Kai, even to the mother of his child.

So you waited.

You waited for Kai to move you two--no, three now--into a house, a real house; not in a populated suburb (another broken promise that you swallowed deep, deep down) but an offshoot of some protected compound in a remote area, where it could be secure and guarded. But what mattered is that its doors connected to the outside, not to some unknown underground bunker.  You could manage, if you were connected to the outside.

You waited for Kai to ease up on the restrictions that built up around you during your pregnancy, rules to keep you under a far more watchful eye, rules that made it harder to find a way out. Inches of trust, gradually earned, which made it possible for you to think concretely about escape.

You waited for your daughter to get old enough to run, old enough to survive without needing to be fed every few hours, old enough to know how to stay quiet when told. Watching her grow up only made you want to leave, more. She had a personality now. Stubborn but accepting when she knew she wouldn’t win; sweet in her own way, an unusual way, likely one that came from a lack of interaction with anyone but her parents and a handful of trusted Shie Hassaikai members.

It was one of those trusted members--you never have learned their name, a secret Kai (nor they) were willing to give--that would be your key to escape.

 They loved your daughter, too, in time. They were drawn in by her precociousness, her insistence on formalities and pleases and thank-yous. But it was her bubbliness and inherent interest in the world and people around her that made them decide to love her, too.Her big eyes and bubbling laugh when you two were allowed in the yard, sometimes under this member’s supervision. 

To your daughter’s delight, they didn’t simply watch you like the handful of others did; they joined in the fun. Just a few weeks ago, she’d convinced him to push her so high on the swing set that she’d gone all the way around--even your heart briefly froze until she’d emerged on the other side, cackling with delight, safe and sound.

They were loyal to Overhaul. Of that there was no doubt. Had they killed for him? Maimed? Tortured? You tried not to think about the things that were done in Overhaul’s name.

Yet they’d betrayed him, all for the sake of your daughter. Part of you feels bitter that they wouldn’t betray him for the sake of you--but then, what was that saying? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

It was with their help that you were finally able to secure that last necessary piece of the puzzle for your escape: getting out of the secured, monitored gate surrounding the house unnoticed. He told you in hushed, intense tones that he would be on watch duty the night of your escape, that he would take care of the other member assigned that night, and that all you had to do was get out the door at the agreed time with your bag, your daughter, and a good pair of walking shoes. He would drive you as far as he could, and then you two would run, run, run after that.

It was going to work. Your daughter was going to live her life, a real life, not one carefully constructed in captivity. What would you do first, once you were free? The thoughts sometimes made you so giddy that you pinched yourself to calm down. So close, so close to the finish line, and you must be vigilant.

Tonight. You and your daughter are going to leave tonight.

Your daughter is in her bed, tucked in safe and secure. Her eyes are already closed, and Kai is sitting at the edge of the mattress, as always, smoothing down her hair and pressing a chaste kiss to her forehead. You watch from the doorway with your arms casually crossed, a small, tired, end-of-the-night smile on your lips. It's all so normal, so domestic, isn't it.

"Good night," he says, so soft and sweet that, if you hadn't been pulled out of your deluded coping mechanism, you might find it endearing. Instead, your thoughts scream: This will be the last time you ever see her, you fucked up piece of shit bastard. Oh, do you have a potty mouth when your 'husband' can't hear you...

He leaves your daughter to her dreams and clicks off the little lamp on her nightstand. When he crosses the doorway, you make room and he lets you slide your arm around his, linking yourselves together for the walk to your shared bedroom.

"Tired?" He asks, and you nod. You are tired. Not for the reasons he thinks, and not for the reasons you'll give, but the telltale darkness under your eyes belies the stress of planning your escape from a years-long ordeal.

You sigh, as soft and sweet as his voice was earlier. "Mmhmm. She didn't want to focus on her lessons today. I got a bit frustrated. Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out to be a teacher." By now you're in your bedroom and you casually take off your day clothes, dropping them in the labeled hamper in front of the closet. Your stomach twinges with the memory of how he used to look away when you took off your clothes.

But that was long ago, and now he continues the conversation casually as the pair of you strip and change into your respective pajamas. You slip a pink nightie with ruffled bottom over your head as he

"You just need more practice. Are you reading the lesson books before you start class?"

I wouldn't have to read any lesson books if you let her out of this house, if you let her out of school, if you weren't--you stop your thoughts, afraid that they might show on your face. Afraid that you might lose everything at this last, crucial moment.

But you know you look frustrated, so you roll with it. "Yes," you say, voice just the right amount of annoyed in retort. "But if she doesn't want to sit down and focus, me reading the lesson beforehand isn't really going to help, is it?"

He stares at you, and you wonder in a flash if you went too far. But in the next moment, he's simply continuing to button up his shirt. "Is it going to help our daughter learn if you take out your bad day on your husband?" His voice is dripping with the natural condescension that once had you questioning whether or not it was okay to be upset that he'd kidnapped you, and you hate it. But at least it's a sign that he bought your excuses.

You feel a warm flush of shame at the way his condescension still makes you feel less-than. You slide yourself into bed, under the covers, instinctively grabbing the book on your end table and staring down into it like you could simply disappear inside the pages. You can't mess up anything right now. The weight of what you need to do tonight feels so heavy and you can't stop your hands from trembling slightly.

"Sorry," you whisper, voice thick with emotion. "It's just hard sometimes. I feel in over my head."

It's Kai's turn to slide under the covers, though he doesn't bother grabbing his own book. Instead he gently pushes on your hands until you set the book on the covers. You know he wants you to look at him, so you do. He looks so gentle, so calm. Did he kill anyone today? Did he insult some hapless victim who crossed his organization, spewing venom with his words, before kissing your daughter goodnight hours later?

His gloved hands tip your chin up and it's a familiar feeling, an intimate feeling, when he pulls you in for a kiss. When he pulls away, he's smiling softly, indulgently. You aren't in trouble. You're good.

"I'll come home for lessons tomorrow and see what I can do. Would you like that?"

I'd like you to drop dead and make this easier on us, you think.

"Yes, Kai."

You smile. You nod. You let out a shaky sigh and lean your shoulders against his, picking up your book and signaling an end to the crisis. He lets you read quietly for a while before turning off the lamp on his side of the bed; it's a wordless signal that you already know: time to sleep. You're a dutiful wife and you put your book away and turn off your lamp and then turn back to your husband and whisper,

"Good night, Kai."

**

You wait until he's deep asleep to ease your way out of the bed. Every step you take in your padded socks makes you cringe. Will the floor creak? Will you make too much noise? Will you have to come up with a half-assed excuse as he comes to, groggily asking what you're doing? You feel like you can't breathe, but you do breathe, soft and shallow as you make your way to the bedroom door.

 You didn't dare keep anything related to your escape in your shared bedroom. The door feels like it weighs a thousand pounds as you ever-so-slowly open it, keeping your head turned towards the man sleeping on the bed all the while. He doesn't stir. He simply continues to snore, even as the door opens enough for you to slip out.

Your heart is pounding in your chest as you cross the hallway and into the spare room that you used as a playroom and, lately, a makeshift school. The bag you packed is in the closet, tucked behind bags of school supplies that you'd asked Kai to pick up in order to make sure that your escape bag didn't stand out. You grab it swiftly, along with your daughter's outdoor shoes, and make your way to the most dangerous element of your escape: your daughter's room.

She did so well. You remind yourself to praise her once you're away from the house, once you're in a car and making noise isn't a life or death dilemma. You built up the idea of your escape bit by bit over the past few weeks. You couldn't tell her that her father was a monster who kidnapped you, but you could prey on her desire to see more, to go beyond the rules established in her father's domain.

Don't you want to meet other kids? Go to the beach, feel the sand underneath your feet? Meet... your grandma? We'll just take a secret trip, you and me, and then come back to Papa when we're done. Then he'll see that it's safe to leave and come with us next time. But you have to keep it a secret. You can't tell him a thing, or we won't be able to go. You can keep a secret, can't you?

You kneel next to your daughter's bed and gently wake her up, whispering her name and stroking her hair, so she slowly opens her eyes in confusion before her gaze lands on your face and ah, a smile--it's just mom.

"Mama?" She asks, a bit too loudly for your liking.

"Shh baby," you say. "Yes, it's mama. Are you ready to go?" You see the tentativeness, the childish confusion in the way she nods. She doesn't know what real life is yet, she doesn't have an inkling of the freedom that she's lost, but she will.

You don't bother changing. You have a pair of clothes in the bag and you'll change when you're in a safer space. For now, you take her hand and lead her down the staircase, your chest tightening with every step. You can't help but glance back at the still-open doorway leading to your bedroom. You pray to whatever is listening that he won't wake up. Each step is a step closer to freedom. Each step is a terrifying risk that you or she might slip, might make noise, might wake him up.

Your spirits lift when you reach the bottom of the stairs. All you have to do is get out the door and he'll be waiting there with the key and a getaway car and freedom.

You clutch your daughter's hand, your own palm now sweaty; you nearly trip on a toy you forgot to pick up earlier, but thankfully the light in the entryway was turned on (you must have forgotten to turn it off) and you see it just in time to avoid disaster. You squeeze your daughter hand and turn the corner that leads to the entryway of your home--

Where Chisaki Kai is standing, waiting for you, his eyes practically illuminated by the glowing lamp light.

You drop the bag.

"No," you say. "No." Your mind suddenly feels fuzzy, like its buzzing, drowning out all of your thoughts with a pure denial of what you see in front of you.

"How--how did you--" you sputter, unable to continue voicing your question. It was all planned. It was all practiced. You pretended, you waited, you planned--for four years. How? How did he know?

He doesn't have to answer. You know the moment that your daughter's grip slips out of your hand and she runs up to her father, feet thumping on the floor. She clings to his side and doesn't look at you, and he runs a hand through her hair without taking his eyes away from your shaking form.

Of course she told him. Of course she told her papa that you wanted to leave. She loved him. Why wouldn't she? It was all she'd ever known. You were breaking the rules, breaking the structure that dominated her life since she could remember. 

"Please don't be mad at me, mama." Your daughter whimpers against Kai, and you can hear the tears in her little voice, and your heart aches for her in so many ways.

"I'm not," you whisper. "I'm not mad at you, baby." You're just sad, so sad. It hurts. All of it.

"Sweetheart," Kai says, voice surprisingly calm despite the events, "go back to bed while I help your mother unpack your things, all right?"

Your daughter nods and suddenly she's against you, hugging you in a tight, childish way; you only have enough energy to pull your arm around her, limp and heavy, patting her back without really feeling it before she scampers up the stairs.

You're left alone. With him.

He approaches you slowly and you feel like an animal. There's wildness hammering in your heart and the thought comes up, unwillingly: could you still run? Escape on your own? And hope that some day, your daughter escapes and finds you? But the thought of leaving her behind is impossible to indulge in for more than a second, and you know that without her, your life isn't worth living. The thought of abandoning her to Kai Chisaki brings up an immediate sense of revulsion and guilt and shame.

"What were you thinking?"

You aren't looking at him, but you don't have to be looking at him to know that he's glaring at you. Looking down on you with his gaze filled with righteous justifications. You glance and--yes, he is, but there's something darker, something you’d forgotten, underneath. Your stomach suddenly feels loaded with weights and your legs move backwards, pulling you away from him, away from the anger that feels like it's radiating off him in waves.

He suddenly grips your chin with brutal force and yanks your jaw forward, forcing you to look at him.

"I had to kill one of my most trusted men today because of your..." His eyes dart back and forth for a moment, before he spits out the apparently perfect description of your escape attempt. "Hysteria. An absolute waste of potential, all because of your ridiculousness."

Your mouth is dry. Your voice is hoarse. But you speak up, anyway. You've already lost everything.

"It's not ridiculous to want to get out of here." 

The weight of the years seems to press down on your shoulders, pounding into your bones, screaming in your ears. 

"It's not ridiculous to--to want to take my daughter away from the man who kidnapped me and forced me to pretend like I was happy here, like I was happy living in some--" you cough, needing moisture, but not daring to stop to swallow lest you lose your courage. "--glorified dollhouse while you tell me what to do and what to wear and how to act and when to fuck you and when to have a baby and fuck you, fuck you, just fuck you Kai. I hate you. Oh I fucking hate you."

You don't notice as your voice gets louder, emboldened by the adrenaline that's been crashing through you since you opened the bedroom door, until his hand is gripping your upper arm in a show of brute, vise-length strength.

"Lower. your. voice." 

His grip strengthens until you cry out, and then it gradually loosens without letting you go completely.

For the next few moments, you do nothing but stare at one another. Your mind feels hazy, darting from thought to thought. It was all for nothing. The last four years, all for nothing. But you think about your daughter, about what she may have been able to accomplish outside of these walls, and even the fantasy of a free life for her made it worth something--didn't it?

It's his voice that lowered, now, as he lets you go completely and straightens himself up. All business now. But what business will he engage in, this time?

"Perhaps you do need a vacation," he says, finally. Firmly. He's made a decision.

You wonder if he's lost his mind and you're about to ask as much before he continues.

"Did you know this house has a secret room? It's nice and quiet. The perfect place for you to recuperate until you've regained your senses."

The room, the room, the room.

Your hand instinctively claps against your mouth as you cry out.

After all, you don't want to wake your daughter up with your screams.

[thephysicsgraduate]

The extreme fatigue, brain fog, and tachycardia I’ve been experiencing for the past 5-7 months are NOT just because grad school is stressful. I found out I have POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) this past week. I have been struggling tremendously this semester, especially when I don’t have many breaks, and I have to circulate classrooms while I TA. It wasn’t until I had to miss class because my resting heart rate was just “randomly” around 150-160 bpm that I realized I should go to the doctor. I tried medication to help lower my heart rate, but the side effects weren’t great so I’m going to have to go back and maybe try something else.

This puts a lot of my semester into perspective, and I feel so guilty for all of the negative self-talk I battered onto myself. I knew I should be able to accomplish the simple tasks I was struggling with, and I didn’t understand why I was so bad at all of these things. Now I’m not saying this explains EVERYTHING, there is still material that I didn’t fully master before exams, but this is a significant thing to discover. It’s hard for me to feel motivated and capable of overcoming it right now, and I don’t fully understand how to cope with the symptoms. I’m so afraid they will never go away. If anyone who stumbles on this has POTS and would like to share any advice or tricks for handling it, I would appreciate that a lot!

Besides this crazy discovery, I went to my research advisor’s house on Friday for a small dinner party with everyone in our research group. I had a lovely time, and he cooked a delicious meal for us. He also had fabulous wine and shared so much interesting information about wines in general. Probably a result of the years he spent in Paris as a postdoc before becoming a professor at my university. It was also lovely to get to know the postdoc and two 3rd year students in the group.

The group is tiny compared to others, and my advisor is relatively young. I believe he has only been at the school for 3 or 4 years now, and the other two grad students in the group are the first students he is advising. I was a little wary of this at first, but I spent a lot of time observing and getting to know the group's energy. I’m so glad I chose this group, and so far, it has been an encouraging experience. During the group meeting this week, I asked a question during another grad student’s presentation, and it was something that they hadn’t thought of before. It could be a possible contribution for interpreting the results. That made me feel happy because usually, I ask lots of introductory-level questions, and it was nice to feel like I could contribute to the discussion a little.

I also attended a grad student game night/happy hour, and one of the other students in the research group came up to make sure I got the invitation to dinner and asked if I was officially joining the group. He shared that a while back, he had a bad depressive episode, and during that time, our advisor was supportive and understanding. Hearing that makes me feel even better, and I appreciate that he was willing to share that with me. My undergrad research advisor was not supportive of my mental health at all, and we had conflicts on more than one occasion when I tried to set boundaries because of poor mental health. She repeatedly overstepped those boundaries after acknowledging that she “understood.”

I can’t wait until this summer to start doing research full-time! Then I don’t have to worry about classes. I have so many hoops to jump through before then, and I hope I’m able to make it through this year.

[vvienne]

TODOBAKUDEKU FIC RECS

Curse of Baytown by surveycorpsjean

With the last of his hope, Shouto stumbles into a strange town. Be it destiny, or be it fate; his life will change forever.

two whole dicks for a half and half bitch by Ascend

Todoroki stumbles his way into a threesome, Midoriya cries into his pants, and Bakugou gets cockblocked no less than twice, but eventually, they all get laid.

Of Respite and Odyssey, Balm and Halcyon, Rapture and Godot, Lear and Pierrot by JayJEx

Aizawa and All Might’s Forever Squad of Problem Children

(8:47 AM) Midorito: @/everyone this is an official callout post for @/Discount IcyHot Patch, who is returning to musutafu tomorrow and DIDN’T EVEN TELL ANY OF US!!!!! ლ(ಠ益ಠ)ლ

Shouto groans in despair. Predictably, the group chat immediately explodes.

-or-

Todoroki returns to Musutafu after six years away and his tragic inability to keep up with all of the people in his life catches up to him in the worst, most irritating ways possible.

(Though he might at least get a boyfriend or two out of the matter. That’s a plus.)

if it was only a distraction (how come I can't stay away) by Voulezvous_79

He scrolls down and his heart stops - shit, shit, shit, no. Bad Izuku. You are over this. Completely, totally, definitely over any high school crushes that were going nowhere - because it’s the photo.

The one he surreptitiously had as his phone background for his entire first year in America. The one he cried over when he got on the plane. The one he jerked himself off to - once, okay!? It was one time, and he panic-deleted it after he came, and then cried about that, so he’s not proud, okay?

---

Or: Izuku's back in Japan, and he's definitely, totally, 100% coping with his friends' new relationship.

Biology for Assholes by fruiticle

Bakugou, an omega with Pseudo Alpha Syndrome, was content to live with his heatless, smoke-scented, absolutely-not-soft condition.

Really. He wouldn’t change a thing.

JUMP!!! by cxlmberry

Izuku grew up watching Superhero Legend, the iconic, generation-defining anime series featuring the invincible crimefighter All Might. Now, he is ready to become a professional manga author himself, to inspire thousands of people with his own series for decades to come – if only things were that simple.

Weekly Shounen Jump picked up Shouto’s series when he was only sixteen, and since then, he has become one of the most accomplished authors in the magazine. He’s a teenage prodigy. A genius. Jump’s main attraction. Sometimes the stress of it is too much.

Katsuki is talented – extremely, rudely so, and he knows it. An incredible artist and master storyteller, he’s out to become the one and only, undisputed King of Shounen Jump. Now, he only needs to get published.

A story of passions and careers, talent and hard work, second, third and fourth chances, as well as recovery and growth.

---

Alternatively, a budding manga artists AU.

Fire in the Mountains by EllaBesmirched (El_Bell)

“I’ll do it.”

Enji froze, fingers curling into a fist at his side, and didn’t turn around.

Shouto froze too, feeling his own eyes widen in shock at the words that had come out of his mouth, at the fact that he had actually stood up, followed his father out of the room, and dashed after him all just to say… he’d do it? He would do it? Him. Shouto Todoroki. He would--

Enji finally turned around and fixed Shouto with an expression so scathing, Shouto had to fight to keep his chin raised. “You’ll marry the Barbarian King.”

Shouto blinked. “Yes.”

How (Not) to Bribe a Human Sacrifice by maxisnotokay

"You want to kill me?" Katsuki asked, brows raised. He suddenly looked a little less like a king and more like a man, peering at Izuku through the moonlight. "You help me make this cure, and you kill me."

"Those are my conditions," Izuku said. He didn't break his gaze. "A deal's a deal, Kacchan, and I'm trying to be a hero."

+++

[fantasy au. midoriya literally falls from the sky and strikes up a deal with an unlikely candidate. things do not go as planned.]

Guildy Pleasures by Mysecretfanmoments

As the only son of a powerful politician, Todoroki Shouto's life is just one big boring cutscene—except when he logs on to Land of Heroes, where he plays as ShoutO, slaying foes and keeping his fellow guildmates alive. It's enough fun that it almost distracts him from the fact that he's falling for two of those guildmates. Almost. But he's got to stay in stealth mode, because Bakugou and Midoriya are mega-popular streamer duo ZeroDeku… and they're already dating each other.

Shouto has managed to keep his real identity a secret from them all this time, but when he's caught on live television watching one of their streams he ends up not only pulling aggro from the whole country, but catching the attention of ZeroDeku themselves. To his shock, they actually want to meet Shouto, the politician's son—and this time there's no avatar to hide behind.

the universe must have my back, you fell from the sky into my lap by lelex

The picture looks like it was taken in a cafe, Todoroki in a light blue sweater that even from a distance looks wildly soft, seated at a baby grand piano with his short hair effortlessly tousled. It’s one of those photos where it’s obvious Todoroki wasn’t expecting it to be taken—he’s in the middle of looking up at whoever is behind the camera, a smile small on his face but delight evident in the curve of his mouth.

He’s stupidly beautiful. Looking at him for too long makes Izuku kind of sweaty.

They both sit there staring at this one picture for almost three full minutes. In complete silence. Eventually, Kacchan sighs a little bit and tips his head backwards to rest on the couch. Staring up at the ceiling, he murmurs, “Well, shit.”

Izuku can’t stop the lightly hysterical laugh that explodes from his mouth in response.

“We’re fucked.”

*

Izuku, Katsuki, and Shouto fuck up a meet-cute, twice. But everyone wins in the end.

Cinderoki, the Sweaty Prince, and the Furious Fairy by Esselle

"I wish I could go to the royal ball for Prince Izuku," Shouto finally told the fairy.

Katsuki screwed up his face. "That's it?" Shouto nodded. "Why?"

"It seems fun."

"It's not going to be fun." Katsuki scowled. "It's going to be terrible. You have to have a better wish."

"I want that one," Shouto said.

--

Todoroki Shouto is cursed. Since he was five years old, he's been locked away from the rest of the world to keep his out of control magic a secret. He thought he could be content with his storybooks—until an invitation comes from the royal palace, inviting his family to attend a ball for Crown Prince Izuku.

Shouto wants to go; he wants to be normal; he wants to leave his cage. Most of all, he wants to know what it's like to live in a fairy tale, even if it's only for one night. Fortunately, he's about to meet one pissed off fairy named Katsuki, who's been watching Shouto his whole life and waiting to make his wish come true.

Powder Keg by Ajaxthegreat

Bakugou really, really, really didn’t want to be trapped in an elevator with Todoroki and a fireproof dildo.

Sensory Input by Esselle

"Captain," Shouto says, clearing his throat. "You put in a request?"

Midoriya stands in front of the window now, staring out at the endless expanse of stars. He turns when Shouto enters. Like Bakugou, he's dressed casually, in a simple grey shirt that stretches over his chest. His green eyes blink wide as though in surprise, before he smiles. It's sheepish and shy. In front of the window, the vastness of space flung out behind him, he's as stunning as a supernova.

"I did, right," he says. "The, um, the thermostat… seems to be, maybe—"

Bakugou cuts him off with a loud sigh. "Quit wastin' his time and tell him why he's really here."

--

Shouto is a remote crew member of a spaceship—his real body is stationed on a world far away, but his consciousness is housed in a maintenance bot on board the ship. When he manages to attract the attention of the ship's gorgeous captain and fiery first officer, it doesn't take long to discover that the bot's adjustable sensitivity levels have more enjoyable applications than repair work.

[lavendorii]

ALSO fujisaba (i think thats the mukuro x chihiro ship name??)

fujisaba post coming up (@ˊ V `@)

When I started shipping them: Some time in summer of 2021. I had summer school and after I got home from work I would sit in bed and think. and then fujisaba became my danganronpa OTP

My thoughts: I think they're lovely! They're both kind of awkward towards one another. I think the fall was fast, but breaking the ice and actually getting together took a while. I think they just really liked eachother for a while but neither of them knew how to/IF they should even say it. Mukuro has never had an intimate relationship before and I imagine she fears intimacy to some extent, Chihiro has a hard time trusting people and having confidence in herself. I think Mukuro functions better with someone beside him cheering him on, and Chihiro just wants someone that can help her feel protected and inspired to protect herself.

What makes me happy about them: I think they'd get along well! They hit me more as just some awkward teens in love, nothing new- but they're very cute and would do anything for eachother.

What makes me sad about them: canonically? They hardly interact. I do find it cute that Chihiro wanted to stay beside "Junko" and protect her after she got kurplunked, but they never interacted much aside from that. Interpretation-wise? Both of them struggle with inferiority complexes and I think it causes them to struggle to talk and be intimate. I think they're both committed to their relationship though, so I think they would try their best to work it out

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: Chihiro is always small, weak, pitiful and one dimensional. Mukuro is always either way too insecure or way too inhuman. I think a simple fix (my interpretation) is that Chihiro struggles with RSD and imposter syndrome, and Mukuro struggles more with depression, dread, and complacency with her own deteriorating mental health; he's deeply in pain, but too tired to care. Outline those struggles beforehand and it makes them more realistic and well written.

Things I look for in a fanfic: Both of them being fleshed out and three-dimensional characters firstly, and partners secondly

Who I'd be comfortable with them ending up with if not each other: I think CelesChi and Kirisaba would be good for them aswell

My happily ever after for them: Chihiro and Mukuro live a cozy life away from the busy city. Both of them are getting help and seeing therapists of their own, and they're in a healing process from their past trauma. Chihiro enjoys using her talent to make their everyday comings-and-goings much easier and stress-free. Mukuro no longer kills people, instead he focuses on her own strength and is a personal trainer. He trains Chihiro along with other clients and friends, and Chihiro frequently invites their old school-friends over. Chihiro struggles to keep a proper sleep schedule because she gets overly invested in her work (a coping mechanism that carried over into adulthood) and Mukuro is always there to pick her up and lull her to sleep.