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#I haven’t had a good week the last few days have been really tiresome
flitterywings · 5 months
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really feeling the burden of my physical health tonight
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retnym · 1 year
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WORLD TOUR- .04
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"Don't call me that."
We’re still in Germany for a few more weeks, having two other shows then moving on to the next country. During this time Jace will be hanging around us. Once we leave he has to go back to college. He’s been taking me on small dates like dinners and little shopping sprees. Well, it was more we walked around, I don’t like people spending money on me. I really just enjoy the company. And this company won’t last long once the distance becomes too much once again. 
I might as well keep him around to get my mind off the stress of touring though. It also bothers Tom that he’s around so it’s a plus in my book. Bill, Georg, and Gustav have been hanging around him as well. It’s been a week and a half since our second show. These are a little spaced out only because there was supposed to be another but the building it was in got shut down. I couldn’t tell you why but it did. 
Since the boys hang out with Jace, I’ve been with Johanna during that time. They only hang out with him when Tom isn’t around though so it’s a rare occasion. Some bro-code they have they can’t all hangout together.
Weird.
Tonight we’re going out to dinner together. Even Tom will be there. It’s a night to just relax and be around each other. These shows will be tiresome and this is about to be a crazy time. 
It’s a casual but formal dinner so I dressed in a black silk dress that has a slit on the leg that starts from the top of my thigh all the way down. Silver heels to match. I was currently waiting for Jace to pick me up, I kissed Springroll goodbye and decided to wait outside. 
I live with my aunt for the time being. I thought about getting my own house but since I travel so often there’s no point. My cat will stay with my aunt until after the Germany shows then I’ll pick her up and she’ll travel with me on the bus. 
Pulling out my phone real quick I check the time. It’s 6:13, Jace was supposed to be here 13 minutes ago. It’s a good thing I wasn’t the one who made the reservations. He’s been doing this every day. He’s late to come to get me for everything, always having an excuse too. 
I still haven’t given him an answer on us trying again but he seems keen on getting me to be his. I’m going to make him work for it a little longer though. 
A horn honks from down the street and I step down the stairs of the porch as his car pulls up near the mailbox. I wanted to wait for him to get out and open the door for me but we are running too late to be dramatic about opening a door. Getting in with a huff he immediately drives off before I even buckle my seat. 
The car ride was short, his driving being a little crazy as he swerved around other cars, almost running a few lights and signs. My hand never un-tensing. His one hand was on my thigh and the other was on the wheel. 
Once we came to a stop, I got out of the car as fast as possible. “What’s the rush?” He laughed, slowly getting out of the car. I tried forcing myself to laugh too but it came out almost like a croak. “We’re late, Jace. They’re waiting for us.” I don’t even wait for him to catch up with me, I’m already at the doors to the restaurant. 
“Reservation?” A man who looks like he’s in his younger 20s asks me. “Oh, Kaulitz?” He nods, motioning for me to follow him. Jace was now behind me, he never sped up he kept the same pace. It frustrated me a tiny bit but what can you do?
“There’s Jo!” I smile, waving to her. It looks like she just got out of the bathroom. She returns the favor and walks over to me. She was wearing a dark green velvet feel dress that had long sleeves but her cleavage showed and it looked amazing. She pulls me into a hug and we continue to follow the guy to the table. 
“There she is!” Georg grins, high-fiving me. Bill scoots over and we sit next to him. Johanna was next to Gustav. It was a curved booth, so it went Georg, Tom, Gustav, Johanna, Bill, me, and then Jace. I was right across from Tom. He was on his phone, no surprise there of course.
 I couldn’t stop myself from looking at him though. His dreads were down and it was weird seeing him without a hat. Before I could think too much Jace had taken my hand and I smile up at him and then join the conversation with the others. They were all wearing button-ups and nice pants. Nothing too fancy but it was something.
We started drinking right as the food came in. It was just the appetizer so we didn’t even feel a buzz with our drinks yet, that’s when I tapped my spoon on the glass earning everyone’s attention. My eyes flickered between Johanna to Tom who automatically looked up my way.
“So, I have been meaning to bring something up.” I laugh awkwardly, now with everyone’s eyes I began to feel a little nervous. Biting at the dead skin of my bottom lip and taking a deep breath I continue. Even as a performer, I get extremely nervous with complete silence.
Also, something on my mind has me suddenly confused with my thoughts.
“Um, we all know Johanna is a pretty good photographer. She’s also very organized. Unlike most of us.” I adjust the top of my dress, letting go of Jace’s hand to wipe the sweat onto my dress but it doesn’t help wearing silk. “I want her to be our personal photographer, along with managing certain things for us. Helping us get interviews, ads for products, speaking for us over the phone, things like this that we’re too busy for.” I explain to them, glancing at her who nervously stared at the table. Her leg was bouncing up and down, I could tell from the way her body is shaking slightly. “That’d be amazing.” Bill was of course the first to speak up and I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. “I think it sounds like a good plan.” Gustav shrugs, smiling at Johanna whose eyes lit up like stars. 
“What do you think, Tom?” Bill asks his brother and Tom was playing with his piercings, jumping from the sudden attention his way. “I don’t think it’s a bad idea. We do need it.” He points out and we all look at him like he’s crazy. “What?” He gives a look. 
“No negative input?” Georg chuckles. “Why would I?” He asks and a few of us deadpan, his eyes lock with mine and he finally seems to get it. “My comments go to you, not innocent bystanders.” I roll my eyes at what he said but then Jace says something. “But I do?” Tom just presses his lips together awkwardly before going onto his phone. I cough to get the tension to just go away.
The night ended up getting better as we ate. We all started drinking even more, except Jace who we all decided was going to drive us home. The others got dropped off by other people because they knew they were going to drink. 
Let me tell you, we were having a blast. Laughing loudly as we ate, telling stories and jokes with each other.
Since it was getting pretty late I order my last shot and beer. Quickly taking the shot I went to grab the beer but Jace stops me. “You might want to slow down.” He places a hand on my lower back but I shake my head. “I’m enjoying myself.” I went to take another sip but Jace takes it from me completely. My face scrunches in confusion along with a little irritation. “Give it back, Jace,” I mutter going to take it again. “Drink water at least.”
“I have been. Just give it.” I please with him. “[Name].” He warns but I slide the cup back my way. “[Name]-” “You’re not my boyfriend,” I whisper, bringing it up to my lips he tries to grab it and it spills on my chest, sliding down my dress. I gasp, standing right up and climbing over him. “Woah, what happened?” Bill laughs.
I just ignore him pushing myself over Jace’s lap which was quite difficult in a dress and with the small amount of room with the table. I’m sure I was giving Georg and Gustav a show. “I’m sorry.” He says, trying to help me but I push him back. Speeding off to the bathroom even though I’m stumbling a little bit he stays behind me. “Wait, slow down.” I try to continue walking but Tom… I mean Jace grabs my wrist right as we're outside the bathroom. The music played loudly so even if we argued no one was to hear. I don’t really care though, I’m drunk off my ass. 
“Babe, I’m sorry.” I slam myself accidentally against the wall, standing up straight. “Don’t call me that.” I put a finger against his chest.
“We aren’t dating. You left me.” I shove him with every word. “I know, I know.” He whispers, his face looking a bit blurry. I slowly blink, forgetting exactly what I was saying but I keep running at the mouth. “You announce how you feel and then next I’m nothing to you. Sleeping around with all those-” I cut myself off with a cry and his face contorts again and it’s Jace once more. “What? That- I didn’t.” He looked confused and even when drunk I can realize where I messed up. “You’re a dick. You had a girlfriend for a month and you’re back to me?” I hide my face in my hands and he pulls me into a hug. 
“I’ll always love you, that’s why.” He kisses my head and I close my eyes.
Why did I say that?
Shorter of a chapter but this is kind of getting more into you and Tom as the chapters go on. It's still a slow burn so figuring everything out might take a minute.
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krisdorian · 8 months
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kill the weakness
ill the weakness, 
30 January 2024
I have not been working for the past two weeks. I feel like my mental state has not been the best. It’s actually pretty bad. I feel like lately, I am definitely UDUF. I have really fallen out of having a good routine. I need to be self disciplined, and take care of myself. I have been playing games of chess like a madman. I need to find a way to ration the number of  games that I’m playing. I need to cut back. I need to stop playing so late I need better sleep hygiene. I need to get to bed earlier. I need to wake up earlier and get my day started on a good foot. I don’t have any excuse.
Also, I realized that losing at Chess has really started to affect my mood I need to regulate The number of games on playing, so that I don’t go down a rabbithole of losing multiple games in a row like I did yesterday, which was fucking ridiculous. It’s not just about losing all of those games in a row on rematches. That kind of mindset can end up, hurting me badly in another life situation. I also need to learn how to regulate my mood better. I’m not sure why it’s something I struggle with so much. As. Ambra said, if something is wrong with her mood, that means that something needs to change. I need to do more self reflecting. 
Overall,   still feel like I have a lot of room for growth. I feel like I’m very underdeveloped, and it makes me very dissatisfied with myself. Part of me is so embarrassed that I feel like I don’t even deserve to live.Basically, I am being weak. I need to stop being weak. I need to be strong, be impenetrable. I need to build myself up. Why is my development so stunted?
It angered me seeing that gorgeous Latina at Athletica last night and not feeling like I’m able to make anything happen with her, especially, when it appeared like a black guy who is a solid foot taller than me, was getting to interact with her and potentially getting her number. At least that’s what it looked like. Although, it could’ve been something else. They could have already known each other. 
But either way, I’ve experienced these feelings in the past, the feeling of Envy, seeing guys who are taller and much more attractive than I am, who seemingly don’t have any difficulty approaching, or making conversation with an attractive girl. I feel completely inept and impotent when it comes to making those kinds of overtures. It really says a lot about me as a man that I am almost 40 years old and I am still underdeveloped in this regard. 
At what point did things go wrong? I guess you could say that things started to go wrong in my childhood, but if not, then, certainly during adolescence. Because of my health issues and other issues I dealt with early on, I was very mistrustful of people, and had trouble relating to people. For that reason, in addition to perhaps, being highly reclusive by nature, I didn’t actively form friendships, or try to work on my social skills and social development. Aside from the few friends that I had during, and after high school, for the most part, I didn’t actively try to form or maintain relationships. But you could say that I actively avoided forming or maintaining relationships with people.
In addition, with all the time that I have had off, I should have spent more time, self reflecting, and journaling. I feel like I should probably work meditation into my daily routine. Even though, as it is, I already have so many different rituals in place, it’s tiresome. Perhaps I should think more like Kobe did and ask myself, what will help get me the best outcome? He realized that his performance was suffering due to lack of sleep. It’s not always about what I wanna do. It’s what I need to do. It’s what I should do. Sometimes I need to ask myself that. But I often forget to.
I’m also a little bit worried because I haven’t been working for two weeks and I don’t know how the new job is going to play out. All that I can say is that I am also trying to line up a job at Lola 41. I feel like I am able to have two jobs lined up, that should ensure that I earn enough money for the time being.
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writtenonreceipts · 4 years
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rowaelin the only single person in the friend group?
AN:Enjoy!
The Singles Club Isn’t Always Lonely
As Rowan entered the local bar, he shook rain from his coat and hair.  For the past two days it had seemed like constant cloud coverage lingered and that meant rain.  Not that Rowan particularly minded the rain.  It just grew tiresome.  He had yet to find a reason to fully rejoice in it.
He waved to Brullo, the bartender, and headed back to the usual table where he and his friends usually took over.  Indeed, Vaughan and Connall were seated drinks in hand and in deep conversation about something.  Gavriel and Fenrys were shooting darts—Gav wiping Fenrys’ ass with the score.  Though Fenrys was always more in it for the social aspect than the competitive nature.
“Well, look who finally showed up,” Connall called when he looked up to see Rowan crossing the bar towards them. 
Shooting his friend a vulgar gesture, Rowan took a seat in one of the stool and drew a freshly opened beer towards him.
“I should ask you all the same question,” Rowan grunted.  He took a swig of beer and sighed.  “Between wives and girlfriends, I thought you’d all bail on meeting up.”
“Hell, no!” Fenrys shot a wild dart and came to sling an arm over Rowan’s shoulder. “Tradition.  As Asterin so lovingly reminds me, I need to spend more time with you losers.  I think it’s just so she can go to the shooting range with Manon and Elide, but you know.”
“Nehemia says that I’m hovering,” Connall said.  “As if I can hover.  She’s seven months pregnant, I should be allowed to be concerned.”
“You’ve texted six times in the last half hour, man,” Vaughan said.  He pointed meaningfully to his friend's phone.
Connall scowled. “Concerned.”
“Hovering,” Rowan said.  He took another drin.
“You have to let her live her life still, Con,” Gavriel said.  He plucked the round of darts from the board and turned back to his friends. “When Endara was pregnant with Aedion she and Evalin would go on week long spa getaways.”
Connall looked absolutely horrified. “But—”
“No,” Gavriel insisted.  “Space and foot rubs.”
“That contradicts itself,” Connall muttered.
“Just saying,” Gavriel said.
Sometimes, Rowan found it hard to believe that Gavriel had a son their same age.  Sometimes, Rowan found it hard to believe that Gavriel was as old as he was.  Of course, he would never say it to the man’s face.  Because getting his ass kicked was not on his list of things to do.
“This is why Rolfe and I communicate,” Vaughan said.  He grabbed Connall’s phone before he could check it for a nonexistent text.
“You and boyfriend have a very strange definition of communication,” Fenrys said. “You also need to lock your front door.”
“You need to knock,” Vaughan said unapologetically.
Rowan rolled his eyes at his friend's antics. “Where’s Salvaterre?  Why am I on the chopping block.”
“Because he texted,” Vaughan said emphatically, “that he would be late.”
“Elide had an important meeting at work and he wanted to take her out for ice cream after,” Fenrys grumbled. “They’re almost as disgusting as Conn and Mia.”
“See,” Rowan finally spoke up, “this is why I am remaining single.”
The group groaned, throwing peanut husks at him while telling him to grow up.  Rowan simply laughed.  It was a conversation they’d all tried to have with him.  Get a girlfriend Rowan.  Go out on more dates Rowan.  You work too much Rowan.
He knew they were just giving him a hard time.  For the most part.  But he also couldn’t help but let the words dig into his skin.
They’d miraculously been through a lot together.  Despite the age differences between them all, something had drawn them together with a love of history, hand-to-hand combat, and drunken nights of poker.
“Hey, assholes!” Lorcan entered the bar and exchanged a few words with Brullo before coming to the table.
“‘Bout time, man,” Connall called.  He kicked a stool out for the other man.
“I was supporting my girlfriend,” Lorcan said, “shouldn’t you be with your wife?”
“Shouldn’t you be asking Elide to marry you?” Connall shot back.
Lorcan launched into a coughing fit just as he took a drink of beer. “What?”
“It’s been two months and all we’ve heard from you is how great this girl is.  Coming from you that’s practically a wedding announcement,” Rowan added, grinning fiendishly when Lorcan’s face heated
“Yeah, you know, speaking of relationships, I haven’t seen you taking anyone out lately,” Lorcan groused.
Before Rowan could either shoot Lorcan the finger or snark back to him, Brullo arrived with another round of beer.
The rest of the night passed in easy conversation punctuated Fenrys’ claims that at the next poker night he would win every hand.  Granted he was on his third beer as he said this.
It was just like any other night.  And yet by the time midnight rolled around, he listened as his friends claimed necessity to return to domesticity.
Nehemia had cravings.  Elide, Manon, and Asterin were drunk and needed a ride.  Rolfe threatened to watch Bridgerton alone.  And Endara claimed Gavriel had left her kitchen a mess.  
Life as it should be was chaos.  And while Rowan knew he wouldn’t have it any other way, as he paid off the tab with Brullo—consequence of a lost bet—he found himself facing a night of pouring rain and a semi-drunk Connall to haul around.
#
When Aelin Galathynius swore a life of solitude, it was for a good reason.  She’d recently adopted a dog after all and Fleetfoot needed her undivided attention.  
Now, five years later, she regretted nothing.  Especially when Fleetfoot was such an excellent snuggling companion.
While her apartment was small, and admittedly shabby, it was home.  Had been since she’d moved out of last foster home five years ago.  Almost every single one of her friends had lived with her in that time.  From Manon deeming it for your own good so you don’t end up murdered in this hellish part of town, to Elide claiming that I have no idea how to live by myself, you have to help me.
The apartment had known many people.  Had known fights and tears.  Had known emotional breakdowns and dance parties.  
And yet, as Aelin came home from work on a glorious Friday evening, it felt empty.  Even with Fleetfoot eagerly dancing around her feet.  Even as she hooked on the leash and took a brisk walk around the block with Fleetfoot bounding along joyfully.  Even when she returned home and turned her music on while she made dinner.
Empty.
Only the pouring rain outside gave any indication of the outside world.
Aelin turned her music up louder.
Perhaps it would have been so bad if Elide were here with her.  Or Nehemia.  Any of her friends.  But it was date night and she knew just how much her friends had been missing their boys.  
Elide worked so much and she’d recently started dating Lorcan Salvaterre they barely saw each other.  Nehemia was having a baby with the love of her life.  And then even though she and Asterin weren’t the closest, Aelin did miss her drinking buddy.  And Yrene was so busy with her internship that all she had time for was her new marriage.
Aelin couldn’t have been happier for her friends, truly.  They were all living their best lives.  And so was Aelin.
She’d graduated with her degree in history, specializing in warfare and weaponry.  Now she was teaching part-time at a community college and part of a research team that was working an archeology dig out in Wendlyn.  Everything she’d wanted.  Everything she’d worked so hard to get.
Life was good.  Or so she kept telling herself.
“You really need to start locking your door!”
Aelin turned from the mess of spaghetti she was trying to make to find Elide, Asterin, and Manon entering her apartment.  She held a spatula out threateningly.
“You can't just barge into people’s apartments,” Aelin said.
“We can if the door’s unlocked,” Manon replied.  She wasted no time in kicking off her shoes and tossing her jacket onto Aelin’s couch. “Please tell me you have wine.”
“What’d Dorian do now?” Aelin asked as Manon easily went to the kitchen and found the bottle of wine.  Not the cheap stuff.
“Nothing,” Manon grumbled.
Asterin barked out a laugh.  “He brought up meeting his parents.”
“And moving in together,” Elide added.
Manon brandished the corkscrew threateningly. “Don’t make me use this.”
Chuckling, Aelin turned the burners of her stove off. “It’s Dorian.  You can tell him no to both things and he’ll get it.”
Manon grunted and began chugging her very full glass of wine.
“Lorcan mentioned moving in together,” Elide said. Wine spurted from Manon’s nose and Elide rolled his eyes. “Eventually.  He didn’t actually ask just one of those brief passing comments.”
“You know, I still don’t like him,” Aelin said.  She dished up a few bowls of pasta and started handing them out.
“Please the two of you are practically besties,” Elide said.  She gave Aelin a wink before settling in a chair at the small dining room table.
“Speaking of besties,” Asterin added, “Fenrys just sent me a text.  They are getting wasted at the bar.”
“Is Gav with them?” Elide asked through a mouthful of pasta.
“Yeah, thank the Goddess,” Asterin said.  “I don’t want to pick his drunk ass up.”
Manon made an approving sound and poured herself another glass of wine. “Because we are getting ourselves drunk.”
Aelin debated taking the wine away from Manon already, but shrugged.  She needed a distraction from everything else.  Before sitting down, she grabbed a bottle of whiskey she kept in case of emergencies and few glasses.  It was girl’s night, why not?
“You do know you’re going to have to talk to Dorian, eventually right?” Aelin asked, pouring out whiskey.
“Shush,” Manon said. “Talking is overrated.  We’ll just have sex and get over it.”
Aelin made a face. “I’d rather not think of you and one of my best friends in that way.”
“It’s sex!” Manon shouted. “C’mon, Aelin.  I know it can’t have been that long since you slept with someone.” 
Aelin rolled her eyes.  She most certainly should have taken the wine away.  Wine drunk Manon was a whole different animal than whiskey drunk Manon.
“Ohh,” Elide said, already pushing back her half-eaten bowl of pasta for the whiskey. “I might know of someone.  Actually, Lorcan knows him.”
“No!” Aelin shouted at the same time Asterin screeched, “yes!”
“He’s very attractive,” Elide said with a knowing nod.
“And works out, a ton,” Asterin added. “He and Fen are training for a marathon.”
Aelin didn’t know whether to be impressed or horrified.  She worked out and believed in a healthy lifestyle.  But she also believed in chocolate.  And cake.
Even as her friends slid side-glances her direction, Aelin ignored them.  They’d been hounding her to date more.  Ever since Sam had broken up with her when she wouldn’t move across the country with him and the mess with Chaol...Aelin hadn’t been in a serious relationship.  And she was fine.  Did she miss casual dates? Yes.  Someone she could talk to about everything and anything?  Yes.  Did she miss sex?  Absolutely.
On the last item she could rectify that easily.  Just swing by the nearest club, but Aelin had always craved connection more than casualties.  
She knocked back her shot of whiskey and nabbed the bottle from Manon who was well on her way to drunk.
Elide laughed at Aelin’s diversion from talking and got up to turn Aelin’s stereo up.
“You’ve gotta find a way to support Fleetfoot,” the petite brunette said, “being a single mom is hard.”
“Screw you!” Aelin growled.
“Pretty sure Lorcan’s already taking care of that,” Asterin said.
“No!” Manon and Aelin shouted together.
Cackling madly, Elide downed her whiskey and began dancing.  It didn’t take long before all four girls were drunk and dancing madly to the music.  And Aelin was able to forget everything else about the day and little comments her friends had made.
It wasn’t until after midnight that Lorcan and Fenrys showed up to take the other girl’s home.  Fenry, a bit tipsy himself.
“Baby!” Elide squealed when she threw open the door.
Had Aelin been a touch more wasted she would have missed the soft smile that flitted across Lorcan’s face as his girlfriend flung herself at him.  Aelin might not have understood where the hell that relationship had come from but she was slowly starting to accept it.
“Be safe,” Aelin demanded as she ushered her drunk friends out the door, Lorcan assuring her he had only drank one beer over an hour ago.
“Get a Tinder!” Asterin hollered as Aelin closed the door.
And just like that, she was left to an empty apartment.
#
When Rowan got into the business of researching ancient warfare and artifacts of war, he’d known it would give him hell in the future.  Not that he would regret it of course, but for the past five years he’d dealt with questioning papers, developing thesis, tossing out said thesis, and trying to appear that he knew what he was doing.
It was a miracle if he could accomplish that last item.
By the time he made it home from work, he was exhausted.  The text from Elide--how she’d gotten his number Rowan had no idea--declaring a night out didn’t help any.  But it had been a few weeks since he and his friend--all his friends had gotten together.
So he dragged his sorry hide into a shower and down to Brullo’s bar.
And just like always he was the last to arrive.
“Whitethorn!” Vaughan called out.
Rowan raised his hand in recognition before getting a drink from Brullo.
Already, his friends had their drinks and their girls--and in Vaughan’s case, boy.  Nothing about the night seemed far from normal.  Even if Rowan wasn’t as familiar with Asterin or Rolfe, being around this group of people always put him at ease.
“You look like hell, Rowan,” Nehemia said with a sympathetic smile.  She wore a simple gray dress that showed off her growing bump, her black hair twisted in thick braids.
Rowan offered a returning smile. “It was a hellish day.”
Connall thrust a beer into his hands. “Here’s to make it better.  Although my lovely wife has already graced you with her presence, so consider yourself lucky.”
Rolling his eyes, Rowan shoved his friend away. “How much have you had to drink?”
“Too much,” Loran supplied.  As usual he was seated in the corner of their table, nursing a beer.
“Where’s Elide?” Rowan asked. “Seeing as she’s the one who made me come.”
Lorcan gestured out to the dance floor.  The dance floor.  Since when did Brullo let anyone start dancing?  Not in the past five years that Rowan and his friends had come.  Unless one of them or another patron got too drunk.
But there was some song with a deep, thrumming beat reverberated through the bar.  Someone must have bribed Brullo to put it on.  Likely the fiends who were dancing like they had no care in the world.
Fenrys and Asterin were practically glued together and were less dancing and more making out.  Nearby Gavriel and Endara were mostly laughing while tripping over their feet to keep with the beat of the song.  What caught Rowan’s attention however was Elide.
Or rather her dance partner.
The woman was tall, lean, and had the frame of a fighter.  She moved so easily to the music that Rowan was focused on her more than the song.  Her blond hair hung well past her shoulders in golden waves matching her gold dress perfectly.  But perhaps what was so striking was the carefree smile she wore.  The way she laughed and leaned into Elide as the song changed to a sultrier chord.  But neither woman seemed to notice, or care.
Until the blonde looked up and the low lights emitting from the dance floor set a low fire to her eyes and dug into him, holding him in place.  And his breath caught.
Elide broke the spell that had settled over him.
“Rowan!” She yelled and waved frantically for him to join the dancing.
“No,” Rowan called back firmly.  The last time he had decided to go dancing with Elide he had ended up shirtless, hungover, and in a car halfway to Mexico.  
Elide pouted at him before crooking her finger to her boyfriend.  Lorcan was already up and out of his seat making his way toward her.  It was still strange to Rowan to see the brute of a man soften for anyone.
Shaking his head, Rowan returned to the bar to get another drink.
“Can I get something as well, Brullo?” The airy confidence of the woman, snagged Rowan’s attention and he turned to see the Elide’s former dance partner standing beside him.
From this angle, Rowan was better able to see that spark of gold and blue in her eyes, a splash of freckles on her nose.  She was beautiful.
“You must be Rowan,” she said with a single brow raised.
He nodded and accepted a beer from Brullo. “I am, but I don’t seem to know you.”
Her mouth pulled up on one side. “Aelin.  Elide and I grew up together.  Figured since I never see her anymore, I had to come see what this place is all about.”
“Elide dragged you out here, didn’t she?” Rowan asked.
“She is terrifying when she wants to be,” Aelin agreed.  She offered him a full grin in that instant and Rowan knew that if possible, he would try and make her smile like that again. “And she offered to pay my tab.”
“Meaning Lorcan will be paying your tab,” Rowan said.
“He does have his uses, other than being a brute.” Aelin laughed at that and took the drink Brullo offered her.  She turned her gaze on him, those eyes so full of light. “I suppose I should get used to him though.  Elide seems to like him.”
She wasn’t wrong Rowan realized.  “Anyone that can get Lorcan to actually get out and dance is a miracle worker.”
“Except, she didn’t get you out there dancing,” Aelin said.  She let out a soft laugh leaning closer to him.
And there it was, something different.  And perhaps Rowan wouldn’t identify it for a long time.  Wouldn’t really know what it was.  But there was something about Aelin that drew him in.  He’d known her for all of ten minutes, didn’t even know her last name, and here he was completely ensnared.
“I don’t dance,” Rowan said.
Aelin cackled. “Not yet anyway.”
She knocked back the rest of her drink and grabbed Rowan’s arm pulling him to the dancefloor.
Perhaps if they’d been paying closer attention, they would have noticed the high-five Asterin and Elide exchanged.  Or the passing of bills between Vaughan, Connall, and Gavriel.  There was a great deal they didn’t notice.
Not how the rain stopped pouring outside.  Not how the emptiness of the night was overcome by more than music and alcohol.  It was a silent shift.  A careful one.  One that would become more than alright with them.
#
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captainsimagines · 3 years
Text
To Topple A Giant || Chapter Seven
Summary: You had made it your mission to destroy even the smallest evils. When the opportunity arises to finally take down your own family after years of gaining their trust, you reach for it. And so does Steve, the man who represents a symbol of everything you hate.
Pairing(s): Steve Rogers x Reader || Avengers x Reader
Part 7 of 10 ~ Mini-Series
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Warnings: This story contains mature themes and discussions such as extreme canon violence, strong language, emotional angst, mentions of Endgame deaths and recoveries, sexual situations, and emotional/physical abuse. This is purely fanfiction.
Warnings in this Chapter: abusive parental relationship; strong language; canon-level violence (explosions); mentions of alcohol poisoning; mention of Infinity War/Endgame deaths; perceived domestic partner abuse (no such thing actually happens!); concussions and minor injuries; mentions of arranged marriages; mentions of drug smuggling and human smuggling; lying; ANGST!
Word Count: 14,100+
A/N: So close to the finish line...
~
Spain, 2024, 5:07 pm.
    “Get the damn ice cream, Peter. I’m not holding you back.”
The kid sped down the sidewalk as fast as his feet would let him, skips in his steps and ignoring the chastising yells from Bucky. 
“You’re letting him have sugar?” Bucky whines, sluggish in his own steps. The Spanish summer sun was blaring, burning your forehead and building the same cold craving in your throat. It was just the three of you, carefree but melting, happy but annoyed with the constant proximity of each other. The villa (if you could call it that, it was more of a cottage) was listed as having three rooms - not the two you were stuck with. Bucky was at the last inch of self-control, begging you to switch with him - if only for one night - because ‘the kid fuckin’ talks in his sleep, doll! One more night and I might smother him.’
It was Bucky’s idea to take a little vacation. A year after the blip and only a few months after Peter’s world was turned upside down, a vacation seemed like the best choice. Preferably somewhere that was quiet and somewhat rural - somewhere you guys won’t be easily recognized. 
So the three of you packed and flew across the pond. In all honesty, you hadn’t even told the rest of the team where you were going besides Wanda. One day you were greeting them in the common room and preparing lunch, the other you were throwing your suitcase in one of the two vacant rooms in this little Spanish cottage. The three of you were truly off the map in terms of late notice. 
“Let the kid live. He’s having a mid-life crisis at eighteen.”
“I’ve had more mid-life crisis’s than his age combined. He’s not special.” The pointed look on your face had Bucky sighing in small defeat. “Okay, okay.”
These past two weeks in shared solitude, even if this trip was supposed to be relaxing, was beginning to melt into a tiresome routine. Well, just nights. The days were mild at best. And to make matters worse, you and Bucky had been dodging the team’s calls, messages that you left for voicemail. Bucky had clicked ‘end call’ more times than he could count and his excuse was always, ‘ the kid doesn’t want to leave, doll.’ Even annoyed with Peter, Bucky wanted only the best. 
It was only a matter of time until your phones were tracked and you were forced to come home. Everyone probably knew where you were anyway - you weren’t exactly hiding. But since you already got a good two weeks in, you figured they had taken some sympathy. 
“Think we can get him to visit a museum today or something?”
Bucky shrugged, lining up at the coffee stand near the ice cream cart. “Saw him checking out banana bread recipes last night. Seems more like a baking day.”
You could go for some banana bread. Ordering two iced coffees and making more miscellaneous small talk while waiting for Peter to order, you studied the streets of Spain. The country had suffered greatly when, cruelly, more than half their population disappeared. Left in proper ruins, no one believed it would ever recover. But then there was an election, a change in the structural government, and it just… did. They rebuilt themselves better than any country had, in your opinion. 
It was a rather calm day with minimal people out and about. It was exactly what you guys deserved after every mission - in your case, after a long month of PR recovery after that bar fight alongside Sam. 
“You bake, Barnes?”
He smiled fully, “Any chance I get.”
“You guys want anything?” Peter yelled out, bouncing lightly on his heels as he waited. You waved him off. “You sure? It’s pretty cheap for summer prices!”
After rejecting Peter’s dozen ice cream questions and offers, the three of you decided the heat was a little too much to bear, even with sunscreen. Peter spoke most of the way. Something about that banana bread.
Bucky, being the baker, helped him choose the best recipe of the four Peter had bookmarked and soon the kitchen was only half dirty with eggs and mashed bananas.
“What do you mean a cup of baking soda, kid? Use your eyes,” Bucky yelled in second hand embarrassment. “I don’t think a cup of baking soda goes in anything.”
“Read right here, dude,” Peter poked at his tablet. “A cuuuu... okay. Okay, I see what I read wrong.”
“You two better be making me some good ass banana bread today. I don’t want to throw up!” You had opted to let the two men have their fun in the kitchen. You tried to bake, but you were more of a cook than anything else.
“You could be reading out the directions.”
“I could do a lot of things,” you respond with the emphasis on “could”.
The doorbell interrupted your no-so-real argument. Peter snickered, “You could get the door.”
With a displeased grunt and a straightened middle finger to the kid, you opened the door to find two people who were definitely not invited. Clint, with this magical and massive smile on his face and Steve, with his eyebrow cocked and arms crossed.
“Oh, would you look at that. Guests! Welcome to our humble abode!”
“Now, how and why?” Bucky groaned. But his actions contradict his words as he went to give Steve a hug, covered in flour and all.
“Hey, Clint,” you mumbled, purposely ignoring the super soldier side-eyeing you. “Care to tell us what you’re doing here?
Clint returned your warm smile, “See, Cap? They’re safe. Can we go now?”
Steve rolled his eyes, arms crossed over his chest in a rather demanding way. “We’re here to take them home, Clint.”
Bucky scoffs.
“Eh, you might be. But I’m here to soak up some of this Spanish sun.” A low grunt sounded in the back of Clint’s throat as he spoke. He was already making his way to pick at the mashed ingredients. 
“You heard the man, pal,” Bucky slaps Steve’s shoulder, leaving him at the door as well. Awkwardly left alone, you blow a small raspberry and step aside to let Steve in. Bucky continues, “We’re here to soak up some sun. And I’m not done soakin’.”
With great protest, Steve maneuvers Bucky away from the kitchen and into the hallway beside the master bedroom. With both super soldiers out of the way, you finally go to help Peter with mixing. “Why did he come, really?”
Clint shrugs, arms deep inside your cabinets and collecting whatever desserts you had pre-packaged. “Honestly? I think he missed you guys.”
“All this drama because he misses Bucky? He could have just shown up declaring truce and had a nice little vacation,” you mumbled, glaring at Steve from behind. 
“Think he felt like he needed an excuse to even show up. But they really are asking for you guys back home. Threatened to arrest your ass.”
“Lucky me.”
You could make out snippets of their tiny argument up ahead. 
‘You could have called.’
‘You haven’t been answering the phone, Buck.’
‘I’ve been relaxing.’
A heavy sigh. 
‘I just thought we told each other everything.’
‘Believe it or not, Steve… but I’ve got more friends now. Isn’t that what you wanted? I’m not trying to ignore you, I - I just needed to help another friend out this time.’
Peter, with great care, washes his hands and makes sure there aren't any random mashes of banana on his clothing before he side-steps you and Clint to interrupt the very ‘private’ conversation between the super soldiers. “Hey, Mr. Steve- Cap, hey.”
Steve immediately lets his hard gaze falter. “Hey, kid. You doin’ good?”
Peter nods in response. 
“He’s doing great! Much needed vacation that still isn’t over.”
“Buck.”
Inserting yourself may not have been the best option. “Give it up, Rogers. We’re on vacation. And until the kid says he’s ready to go home, we go home.”
Peter fumbles, “Oh, please don’t put me on the spot like that. I’m not good with confrontation.”
Bucky quickly answers before Steve can, “It’s not confrontation, Peter. We love being out here and if it’s helping your mental health, we’re not going to take that away from you.”
Steve blinks and his expression looks like one of hurt. “You think I wanna do that? The literal president has been asking for your location. You’re not allowed to leave the country.”
You shrug, “Well, no one told me that.”
“Buck, you were just granted immunity three months ago. And you go and drop off the face of the earth?”
“I’m literally in Spain.”
Steve blinks again. He really can’t believe he’s got to deal with two people with similar personalities. “Your point?”
“On Earth…?”
Clint decides to make his presence known. He has even inserted the poured batter into the glass tray for you guys. “Why don’t we just stay with ‘em, Cap? God knows you need a vacation, too.”
“We have two rooms. You’d be bunking on the floor,” you say, pointing to random areas on the floor.
Clint waves his hand in the air, “Not the worst place I’ve slept in.”
“I’m being hounded day and night to bring you three home.” Steve looks about ready to burst into tears of frustration.
“Turn off your phone?”
Steve whips his head and stomps to close the few feet of distance between the two of you. “You really think it’s that easy? You really think I wasn’t worried when my two best friends just disappeared one night and didn’t tell me?”
Two.
Best. 
Friends. 
Before you could even comment, Bucky puts on the dramatics.  “We ran away together, Stevie. We meant to tell you.”
Steve takes a moment, just staring at the ceiling and piecing together his thoughts. “Joke all you want, Buck. I’m bringing you home.”
“Ste-”
“No!” He’s stomping back to the front door now. “I’ve had enough! I can’t stand not knowing where you guys are all day when bad things keep happening in this world. Just… just come home.”
All is quiet besides the quiet munching of Clint and his rogue cookie. Steve’s face did this thing when he was at war with himself, anxiety crawling up his arms or panic weighing his empty stomach down. His face drained color and that perfect renaissance oil lost its blush, blended paint that turned a murky gray. A masterpiece lost in storage.
“I can take the couch,” you whisper, arms erupting in goosebumps. “You guys can stay the night and we’ll go home tomorrow, okay? Or somewhere pre-approved, I guess.”
Bucky didn’t argue. Neither did Peter. 
Steve's imaginary painter adds the softest pink back to Steve’s cheeks as you compile a mess of blankets and pillows for him.
Present Day, 2025, 7:15 am
     There’s a warmth near you as you begin to lazily shuffle against the sheets, heavy on your chest but comfortable all in all. 
There are no worries, no sudden bursts of Avenger business, no fights needing to be fought. Simply Steve warm against you with sunlight draping over his bare and freckled shoulders. 
The serum enhanced for the sole purpose of strength and survival. And sure, it healed the body quicker than the average human body could naturally, but the one thing it couldn’t do was strip personality. 
Steve had freckles splattered along his broad shoulders and down to in between his shoulder blades, light in color and all similar in size. Something a lot of people hated about themselves and tried to cover up while others tried to mimic. The serum was supposed to heal damaged skin, sunburnt areas, birthmarks, and even moles - at least, that’s what the official 1943 report had claimed. 
But over the years, Steve had continued to age and grow into his new body. And while he couldn’t get dangerously sick anymore, anything unknown could still occur. No one had the same serum as Steve and last Tony had heard, Peggy had spilled the last remnants of Steve’s original DNA (blood they took before the procedure) in the Hudson. Bucky seemed to be experiencing the same natural changes as well. 
It had been proven that neither Steve nor Bucky could carry or transmit diseases, experience abnormal cell production, nor could they develop a lifelong ailment without severe reason. 
So imagine everyone’s surprise when Clint called one morning while deep in a routine mission (somewhere in Africa, you really don’t remember) to relay the news that, ‘you guys aren’t gonna fucking believe this - yeah Rogers, I’m telling them the hilarious news right now - Steve’s appendix just up and exploded last night - hey! He just stole - hold on. Give me back my hearing aid, you abelist fuck!’. 
Steve had stretch marks on his back from the procedure, his elbow still hurt from time to time after he had snapped it a year ago, and the white scar above his right hip reminded him that even super soldiers are not exempt from the wonders of the appendix. 
His breathing was slow and his eyelids flickered. Seemed he was enjoying his first deep sleep in a while. You craned your neck to try and read the cable box across the room, slightly making out a seven in the front before you gave up. You were due for your annual eye appointment, anyway. 
Steve did have perfect eyesight though, so damn him.
You shrugged the sheets from your arms. He was on his stomach, cheek planted on your chest and right foot dangling off the side of the bed. His left arm was draped over your middle and his right was tucked inside a pillowcase. His hair draped over his forehead and some of it was still tucked behind his ears. 
Careful to not wake him, you gently traced the ridge of his nose with your index finger, resting it on the tip that always turned bright pink regardless of mood. Once at the end, you went back up to trace it again. 
“Beak,” you whispered more to yourself, and you bit your lip to suppress the overwhelming urge to giggle. 
Steve was here, next to and near you, and he was so warm. 
You could have stayed in bed for hours, sleeping and cuddling and fucking, and you would bet your left kidney that Steve wanted that too. It was impossible to question it, it had to be, because Steve was too genuine. You had met hundreds of men in your life: some the literal devil, some cowards, some reserved, and rarely, some genuine at heart. Steve fit some category that didn’t even exist. 
You wanted to love him and hate him. You wanted to make love and fuck him. You wanted to kiss him and annoy him. He checked a box that didn’t exist but that you would just have to reserve for him. The annoying little shit who could lift Thor’s hammer. 
The door almost ripped off its hinges by the brute force of someone’s leg. You didn’t even fully register being crushed by Steve until his elbow stabbed you right in the gut. 
“Rogers!” you groaned in pain and half trying to reach for your pistol on the bedside table. 
There was a collective gasp of surprise (and maybe terror) from the people that just broke down your door. After yesterday’s unplanned run-in with Ramirez, no doubt this was called-for.
“Oh, hell…” Sam grumbled, lowering his gun the second he realized two of his friends were sharing one bed. “Lemme guess, the other bed’s mattress was too firm but this one’s just right.”
Bucky stood behind him, a knowing smirk plastered on his smug face. He looked between you and Steve, ignoring the way Scott was practically pulling his shoulder down in pure fits of laughter. Didn’t take much for Scott to tip himself over and almost drag Bucky down with him. 
“Couldn’t you knock?” Steve nearly yelled, body still trying to shield yours even though you were fully dressed. You were struggling to push him away in pure embarrassment, but he seemed intent with this form of protection. 
“You weren’t answering your phone! We changed our check-in times to seven instead of eight, remember?”
Steve, ever the gentleman, brought the sheets up higher for you and finally lifted himself out of bed. 
And Bucky, ever the gentleman who has been spending way too much time with Clint, nodded his head toward you. “You two fuck?”
Mouth dropping in humiliation, you pulled the sheets up over your head and screamed into the temporary cover. Steve sputtered over whatever explanation he was thinking of pulling out of his ass. 
“You two fucked,” Bucky smugly confirmed. 
Steve pulled on the nearest shirt and went to kick Scott, who was ‘criss-cross apple-sauced’ on the floor and laughing way too loudly. “Is it really any of your business?”
“Man, that’s an answer!” Sam was about to fall into the same fit as Scott. 
Annoyed, and fueled by that annoyance, you ripped the sheets off and marched for the bathroom. “You really want to know, you nosy little fucks? We did fuck and he made me come three times. Ask him how, I’m sure he’ll teach you a thing or two, no matter how embarrassed he may seem right now.”
You left him alone. You literally just exposed him and you left him alone with the wolves. 
All was quiet until Sam blew a small raspberry. “Three times?”
     Bucky didn’t need to speak to show he was about to tease the hell out of you. He simply sipped his coffee until he emptied it, and then refilled it. You couldn’t even finish a single mug yet because you were waiting to break the tension. 
Looking around the hotel bar because he still valued your privacy, Bucky made sure to keep his voice low. “Three times?”
Half wanting to slap the smirk off his face and the other half wanting to announce Steve’s naughty accomplishment, you settled for pouring more coffee into your mug. 
“Don’t you dare hold what I said against me, I literally had just woken up.”
“Mm, yeah. I remember how you literally moaned Thor’s name when you were startled awake from a nap in the living room.”
“Bucky!” you yelled, turning your shoulders inwards when you received a few odd looks from other early risers. Well, some were early risers. The person closest to the door was an agent, as was the other eating breakfast at the bar. “You promised you would never mention that again!”
He shook his head with amusement, “I can’t believe you swore me to secrecy when Loki basically told everyone.”
“He-!” Choking on your own spit, you slid lower into your booth. “That mischievous, conniving, son of a bitch.”
“In all honesty, I think that was his way of flirting with you.”
“Telling everyone I had a wet dream about his brother?”
“Oh, you wouldn’t be the first.”
You smirked, “Oh, trust me. I know.”
Bucky squinted, guilty in his spoken words. “All I’m saying is, it’s nice that you didn’t just write Steve off with us, as if nothing happened.”
It made your heart swell that even in a moment with you, Bucky would still always protect Steve. 
“I would never. We actually talked last night and he really apologized.”
“Really?” His eyes were hopeful. 
“He did. And as cliche as it sounds, one thing led to another.”
You realized your earlier words were contradictory when Bucky sighed sadly, “This better not have been a one time thing. I’ll strangle you both.”
You scoffed and finally took a piece of that blueberry muffin on your plate. “Screw you, Barnes. It’s Steve we’re talking about. I’d give him the world if I could.”
That made Bucky blush. “God, I’m stupidly happy for him. I always said he’d need to find a dame who had as big of a mouth as he does.”
Rolling your eyes, you offered him some of that muffin. He gladly broke off a piece. “Don’t go marrying us off just yet.”
“Doll, he almost imploded when we discovered you slept together. Teasing him about proposing might just kill him.”
You laughed at that. Although Steve had admitted he regretted the time you lost, there wasn’t any chance he would push you any further. He was probably comfortable with taking things slow, no matter the history. You had that in common. 
“Seems we’re all just gonna have to make sure we don’t cause his demise.”
Smiling as he chewed, Bucky played with your feet under the table. Safe moments like these always occurred before a mission, no matter how simple or heavy they were. And like people love to say, you never fought with each other before. Just in case. 
Going to bed angry was another thing entirely. That, the whole team was proficient in. 
“You ready for tonight?”
Yesterday had definitely turned you against the very concept of family reunions, what with the small ache between your shoulders. You were angry with Seda, with Ernesto, disappointed with Ramirez, and neutral toward your sister. 
God, your sister. This would be the first time since you left Mexico for school and SHIELD that you would be seeing her, as well as your other siblings. Jackeline was perhaps the only sibling you had some real memories with. Everyone else was already deep in the business or far away from the chaos. The team only knew of two other siblings who rsvp’d. The others: radio silence. 
“Part of me just wants a normal family wedding. I’m kinda hoping we can just end it all tonight.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” Bucky chuckled, finishing off your muffin for you. “You’ll get some closure soon enough.”
There was no such thing as closure. Just less of a constant sting. 
“Bucky,” you spoke seriously now. “My father made Steve sign something yesterday.”
“He told us at the debrief yesterday.”
“When did you have a debrief?”
Bucky scooted in his booth, quickly explaining. “Uh well, it wasn’t so much of a debrief as it was a simple overview. Just a heads up.”
You tilted your head, somewhat unconvinced. “Uh-huh… but we could void it, right? He had a fucking notary there and everything.”
“We can declare it void, yeah Y/N,” he grabbed your hand over the table. “He won’t get tangled in this.”
With a heavy sigh, you gripped Bucky’s hand tighter. “I’m really glad you guys are gonna help us.”
He returned your smile. “Anything for family.”
Family. 
After all these years of self-hatred and despising your own blood, you blinded yourself of the simple truth that you already had a real family. Whether you were accepted after Sokovia, or after you helped Steve escape with Bucky, or after those long five years, you were accepted. And you accepted them right back. 
    The briefing goes as expected. Didn’t seem like anyone was going to live down the now obvious fact that you and Steve had slept together after years of unnoticed pining. You simply took the teasing in stride, better than Steve even, who stuffed his face full of chips in embarrassment.
The plan was simple but ever-evolving. The three of them will hang back: Bucky at the hotel, Scott and Sam at the nearby base with Torres. The base was fifteen minutes from the estate, hidden behind those same pine trees but the perfect cover - it was a nearby diner. Steve will still take the shield, FRIDAY was installed on your personal phones, and any weapons you attached to your person were specifically made to deter metal detectors. Once in, it was mingle, mingle, mingle.
There were going to be a thousand questions to answer: What in the world is Captain America doing here? Is he here to cause trouble? Are you two seriously dating? So, Captain America being one of us means holding Thor’s hammer was a myth, aye?
Then you would move on to the more important guests. Jackeline’s greeting would be more of a reunion. But flying under and over the radar had to walk the same line - you needed to mix in with the crowd and make sure they see you participating, but then escape for a little while to continue the mission.
Once in, the task was to electronically and physically retrieve everything Scott didn’t have time to yesterday, plus the new information Ernesto got for today and tomorrow. His latest emails, list of contacts, checks, birth certificates, video evidence.
“Do we all know our duties?”
You wanted to wrap up Steve’s commanding voice and keep it a special secret, a secret that was yours and the team’s to share.
“We got it, Cap. For the tenth time this week - you two okay?”
Sam was rewarded with a slanted smile. “Everytime you ask me that, I’ll lie.”
He nods, “At least you admit it. You’re not alone in this.”
“For years,” you continued, “It’s been that way. I guess I’m both ready for it to end and not. I want them behind bars. I don’t want the repercussions.”
“Makes sense,” Bucky agrees. “At least part of the fight will be over.”
Beside you, Steve clenches his jaw. “We’re always fighting.”
Bucky grins at him, “Yeah.” There’s a sparkle in his eye as he leans forward to squeeze Steve’s thigh. “At least it’s not with each other anymore.”
     They weren’t lying when they said vibranium was lightweight. Felt different from nano-tech and was an obvious change from your regular body suit. You felt protected and stylish. Good, because even though you weren’t obligated to impress those vultures, there were still a few cousins and extended family members you wanted compliments from. And?
The black turtleneck was warmer than you expected and didn’t strangle you. You were a bundle of velvet bliss right now. The cuffs were a golden brown, completely made from vibranium. Modeling in the mirror, you whispered a few ‘pew-pew’s as you blocked pretend bullets. C’mon, golden bracelets? You were basically Wonder Woman. 
The tights were your own, thin and black and you could still see there were faint bruises on your knees from training. Once all that was situated, you pulled on the long skirt and tucked in the bottom of your shirt, glad the way the high-waisted design sucked everything in. The skirt was the same golden brown as the cuffs, shorter in the front and wavy as it draped down the back, barely reaching your ankles. You tied the skirt’s belt in a tight bow and pulled on the black boots Shuri had also sent you. The heel was thick and short, and the boot was pretty tight around the top of your ankle. 
Time was ticking on that well-deserved goody basket you were meaning to send to the royal siblings. 
Hoop earrings, three rings dressing your left hand, a simple golden necklace - now you need to do your hair and make-up. 
Steve was just patiently waiting for his turn in the bathroom, bless his heart. 
     “Scott said the files are in his personal belongings. We suspect he’s planning to smuggle over fifty people tomorrow. Their records should be hidden away in those belongings, too.” 
Sam always kept a leveled head in dire situations like these. He was rational and helpful, always waited until the job was done and everyone was safe before he had a drink or a cry. It was safest, perhaps the most fair thing the Avengers could do for the public after destroying half the cities they fought in. The media didn’t need to know about the late-night fights, alcohol poisoning, or frequent therapy sessions. Your coping methods were all different - Steve has no doubt Sam will immediately pack an overnight bag and Bucky to visit his sister and nephews once the wedding concluded. 
Steve? Well, Steve was surprisingly calm, all things considered. 
“You get any hits yet? Anything from Ramirez that could help us find those people sooner?”
Sam sighs sadly, shaking his head. “It’s looking like we’re heading into a full-on fight.”
That’s not what Steve wanted to hear. A ‘full-on’ fight almost always had accidents, misfires, innocent casualties, and a few cuts and scrapes to add to his own personal collection. 
“Sam,” Steve puts down the files in his hand and shuts off his monitor to signal he’s done researching for the night. “I really don’t know how to thank you.”
“You know,” Sam smiles at him, “I’m gettin’ real tired hearin’ you say that.”
Steve huffs out a laugh. Sam gently exhales - Steve can feel it. 
“You two really are the same.” Sam points at Steve and to the bathroom door. “Always apologizing for shit you can’t control.”
Steve looks down to his feet, a blush in his pale cheeks. After failing to clip his cufflinks on his own, he holds his arms out to Sam who happily clips them for him. 
“Is it real?”
Steve pauses. He doesn’t really need to think about it because he knows. He’s known for a while even if he was on autopilot. The pause only serves to help him catch his breath from the happy prickle that crawls up his spine. “As real as second chances go.”
Sam laughs and claps his shoulder, “I get it. We seem to get a hell of a lotta those.”
      Now that the mission was truly kicking into gear, fucking full speed ahead, Steve had no other choice but to pull shreds of Captain America from that metaphorical attic of his. Took everything in him to revert back, never fully, and each time would be different from the last. Sometimes it was mentally draining being responsible for a whole team and creating the plans, other times he regretfully felt like a colonizer, an intruder who followed orders from the top and was forced to execute them. This time around, he was stepping into uncharted territory, but still familiar, and he had a million roles to mime. 
“Steeeve.”
His smile was instant and he gravitated to your voice. “Hmm?”
“So, I have an idea for a hairstyle,” you reply, throwing open the bathroom door with a brush in one hand and the other holding the top layers of your hair up. “I got enough hair for it.”
“Tell me about it. It gets in the way of everything.”
“Haha.” You rolled your eyes, still trying to shovel more hair higher. “I curled it, so all I gotta do is tug this upper half up into a ponytail while the rest stays down. But can you help? My shoulders still hurt and I haven’t taken my advil yet.”
Steve shuffles back into the room to grab you two pills before he replaces his hands with yours. “So, just lift it up?”
You hum confirmation, watching Steve in the mirror as he pulled your thick curls higher, snapped the hair tie between his teeth, and tied it all. He pulled the strands outward so the high curls still fell around your face. The hairstyle would have been easier with extensions (for a much fuller look) but if you had to throw your body around these next two days, you’d rather save yourself the embarrassment of having them pulled off. 
“Thank you,” you blush. These moments were so intimate, so sweet, just you and Steve. “You need any help?”
Steve looks down at himself. He had already tied his own tie. He could style his own hair and comb his beard. “I think I’m good. Forgot to pack cologne, though.”
“I’ve got some perfume in my suitcase. There should be one in there that isn’t too flowery.”
Steve rolls his eyes and turns to leave. “Not really a problem, doll.”
Pulling on his suit jacket and reaching for your suitcase to set it on the bed, he miscalculated the balance he was so obviously lacking. Instead of toppling head first himself, he fumbles your suitcase and spills its contents on your bed. He stills for a second, looking to the closed bathroom door to see if you popped your head through to ask what the hell that sound was. But it remained closed, and Steve silently groaned because of his clumsiness. 
He tries his best to roll the clothing items back in, cursing whenever he would accidentally squeeze a perfume bottle you had hidden in there. He counted three. The one he picks smells like roses.
Amongst the ruins he finds your passport, multiple IDs, and two pairs of sunglasses. He chuckles to himself and thinks, we’ve been here for four days and she hasn’t worn these once.
A torn piece of paper stood out from the pile, folded neatly in its own envelope but still damaged. 
     CLINT
Curious, Steve opens the envelope, wholeheartedly expecting to find the written contents from the archer himself, but pauses when he reads the simple sentence, in your handwriting. 
‘After careful deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that I want you to have all my video games.’
If Steve didn’t know any better, and judging by the multiple other letters peeking through the torn tape from the corner of your suitcase, it sounded like a goodbye letter.
“What’s taking so long?”
Startled, Steve shoves the letter under the pile of clothes. “Uh, my clumsy ass spilled your clothes everywhere so I’m being good and fixing everything.”
“...annoying.”
Still, you stayed inside the bathroom.
He glanced back just to make sure. And he knew he shouldn’t be snooping, the guilt was already eating away at him, but he now noticed the lump under the torn tape and another envelope poking through. 
They were all signed for different people. Bucky, Wanda, Peter, Rhodey - 
The devil on his shoulder drowned the cries of the angel. 
Opening his, he prays for his quick reading skills to aid him before you realized what he was doing.       
Steve, 
     Believe when I say that I thought I would put a bullet in my father before he could. Whoops…
I don’t really know why I’m writing these letters besides the thrill of morbidity for my untimely death or because I’m an amateur writer on the side. I never know what to say to you, anyway. Whether it’s in person or on paper. I’ve got a hundred drawn-up speeches in my head I almost say to you. But they don’t come out when I want them to and it seems a bit much to write out the words to several imaginary crumpled pieces of paper. 
This will have to do. 
Steve, I know for a fact, deep in whatever soul I have left, that you are a good man. 
When the world fell apart, I held on to you. I don’t know why. Natasha bugged me about it, sent me those signature smirks of hers whenever we did anything remotely weird. She believed something was going on between us and I would get so angry with her because it was like she saw something I couldn’t. And I wanted to see it. Wrap it up for myself and live in the softness.
You slept by my side when I would ask, you let me look through your private sketchbook to help ease my mind, and you would jump at every chance to shield me from danger. Even when you know I can take care of myself. I don't know how many times I have to remind you. 
I don’t understand why you shut me out after we brought our friends back. And at the time, it hurt like hell. I literally wanted to kill you and then myself. It made no sense, it still doesn’t. I won’t lie and say it still surprises me or that it no longer hurts. ‘Cause I’m numb to it now and the pain is more of a dull ache. 
But I guess you had your reasons, no matter how hurtful, how ridiculous, no matter how stupid. 
Fuck, why didn’t you get some of that life Tony had always wanted for you? The question eats me alive. Maybe you did move on, maybe you would miss us too much, I truly don’t know. When you confessed to wanting some form of that life when we rescued Wanda, it just confused me more.
Then my father basically declared war and you cut me out. I can’t help but think you stayed behind to help me finish this, what with that righteous streak of yours, but if it is the case, then I am so sorry. 
You deserve to live, Steve. 
Guess what I really want to close with is this: find that life you always wanted. Buy a boat, or a cabin in the secluded woods and become a lumberjack, travel, open your own art museum - hell, erase all traces of your identity and sell painted landscapes for a living. 
In any form you find it, just try. You know I’m always rooting for you, and I’m always by your side. No matter how annoying and smart-mouthed you may be. 
There’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be than here, there, and everywhere with you. 
With as much love in me, 
    The swirl of your name leaves him disoriented, and slightly paralyzed. Steve licks the envelope closed.    
     Steve puts the very existence and contents of your letter to the back of his mind for the time being. He doesn’t have time to dwell on it, no time to dissect it word for word. He’ll focus on it later. He still doesn’t know what reaction he should be experiencing. The letter was unexpected, yes, but it’s the matter of you writing a goodbye letter - as if you weren’t going to make it out of here alive. And that about saws Steve in two. 
Steve thinks the elevator comes too fast and wonders what he could do to stop time. The mics on your neck generate enough noise for you to hear the static on the other end. No one is currently online, and Steve cherishes the little moments he’s getting before having to transition into ‘Captain America’ mode. 
There wasn’t much time today to truly bask in the afterglow. The moment the elevator opens Steve literally drags you inside and captures your lips in a rather chaste kiss. It surprises you momentarily but you’re responding, and it’s fluid and familiar. The kiss is brief, but it feels as if your years mold into this single act, and Steve’s smiling wider than he has today when the first thing you say as you part is that maybe you chose the wrong shade of lipstick because it looks too damn dark on his lips.
The elevator reaches the ground floor and he looks over at you one last time in the privacy you’re afforded. He’s got that good ache in his chest again and it’s both calming and a little bittersweet, because staring at you is like staring at the sun - it hurts to look at for a long time but oh, so tempting. 
   The lawn was separated into two halves with only one fully decorated and the other still under a tarp, hidden because it was mid-construction and to not spoil the surprise. Over to the side, just left of the large lake, there was an extra tarp the workers were manning in case the clouds in the sky decided to cry. 
Jackeline had chosen violet as her main color scheme, with golden hues stitched alongside. The flowers, soft lights, marble floor, and desserts were all violet; the curtains and tarps, plates and glasses, flowers on the wall, and Jackeline’s rehearsal dress were all gold. Ernesto must have spent over a million dollars in the decorations alone. 
Everyone donned their best designers and since only family was in attendance today, the little amount of people were easily outdone one right after the other. In total, there were fifteen guests, and that included you and Steve: Ernesto, Seda, the groom’s father, Jackeline’s mother, two of your half-brothers, three aunts (sister’s of Ernesto), two cousins, the maid of honor, and Marcus White. 
They have already fawned over Steve, some with a major guard up as expected, but as Ernesto explains the specifics, everyone becomes more pleased than weary. ‘It was just too good to be true that the Avengers were all good’, someone announces. Steve grips your hand just a little tighter. 
The mere absence of Ramirez was enough of an answer: he really was going to be eliminated.
Across from your private corner, cheers and claps sound as the happy couple finally emerges. Even your father leaves mid-conversation to go greet her. 
She’s a fifties masterpiece. Her dark hair cascades in uneven but gentle layers, framing her face and she’s both glossy and matte. Her skin is darker and her eyebrows are fuller, widow’ peak and strong jaw, thin neck and perfectly rounded shoulders. She has a painted blush on her high cheekbones, dark eyeshadow and a faint cat eye, and the reddest, fullest lips that are already spitting wit as she greets her more serious guests. Her voice is high but steady and she’s so obviously the center of attention, she’s the literal bride, but you bet she could take over the room even if she wasn’t. Her fiancé, surprisingly enough, trails behind her as if he too is in a trance, greeting the same guests and attempting to match her enthusiasm. She’s making herself known, and she’s succeeding.
It isn’t until she locks her sight on you that Steve finally mumbles a quiet ‘woah’ underneath a shaky breath and you can’t blame him, dear god you can’t, because seeing her for the first time in six years is eating away at you. She’s nineteen, young and sweet, and still trapped in the world you were planning to destroy.   
Her first reaction is to run into your arms and hold you tightly, the force swinging you from side to side. Her giggles are contagious and you find yourself reacting similarly, grip tightening as she begins to ramble about how much she missed you and how proud she is that you have saved the world ten times over. The statement is overwhelming, but you find yourself nodding along in place of anything verbal.
Steve is patient as he witnesses this family reunion, standing at your side with respect and a tint of scarlet staining his cheeks. Finally, Jackeline turns to greet him and for a scary second, Steve sees Peggy.
“No way!” She keeps her voice low. “I could have sworn my bit-... uh, my bunch of tias were lying about you really being here.”
Steve shakes the fifties image from his head. The resemblance, even if Jackeline has more slanted eyes and a larger forehead, is uncanny. “Thank you so much for inviting us. The ride up was a bitch but we made the most of it.”
Jackeline stutters over her own laugh. “Oh.” She looks to you with a wide grin. “Oh, he’s a keeper.”
“Thought so myself,” you grin back. “You should hear him swear during a football game.”
“All men turn into animals when their teams don’t live up to expectations.”
Her accent is thicker than yours. Living in New York for over 10 years definitely helped smooth over some dialect and create your own voice. But Jackeline’s, considering she had never lived outside of Mexico, was thick and silky and resembled a place you no longer called home.
She pulls the man behind her forward, effectively interrupting and ending the conversation he was having with one of your cousins. “This is Julian. Julian, this is my one and only sister and her boyfriend!”
Julian, bless his heart, holds out a slightly shaking hand for you to shake. You do so, and try to convey calmness through it. When you watch his glance fall to Steve and feel his hand start to shake yours more rapidly, you can’t help but stifle a laugh.
“It’s an honor!” Julian finally says, voice deep and wracked with some nerves. He shakes Steve’s hand when he gets the chance. “Captain.”
“Please,” Jackeline rolls her eyes. “He’s just like us! You should be swooning over my sister, who is probably going to be the one to kill you if you ever hurt me.”
Julian blinks. His eyes go from Steve to you, contemplating his next move without wanting to seem rude. He nods in your direction. “I don’t doubt you would. Excuse me if I came off as rude. I’m just starstruck by this one here, is all.”
His accent matches Jackeline’s.
Steve waves his hand through the air. “You are not the first tonight, son.”
Sometimes you forget that Steve is an old man. Biologically, he’s in his mid-thirties. Ever changing and growing old as normal, but his soul is old. From a different time and out of it. The mere nickname he just gave Julian, no doubt because of his young age, leaves you averting your eyes and turning away to smile up at one of the many golden chandeliers.
“I really hope you enjoy tonight. The party may seem small right now, but trust me, half of Mexico will be dancing with us tomorrow night.” Jackeline bounces in place, hand intertwining with Julian’s, and she leans in to speak more clearly with you. “Meet me later? We have so much to catch up on.”
Agreeing, you watch the happy couple leave to converse with the few other guests.
Steve turns toward you, eyes squinted in amusement. “Is she really cheating on him with a man of the cloth?”
You can’t help the involuntary snort that leaves your nose. “The photos were watermarked, right? Time stamped? Maybe they’re old.”
Steve huffs a laugh and grabs two champagne glasses as the tray flies by him. “She’s got a way about her. Reminds me of a dame from this book I read a while back.”
Sipping your drink, you ponder. “What book?”
“The one where the dude gets shot at the end.”
“Oh, you mean every book from the 20th century?”
Steve laughs, “That twenties one!”
Mouth dropping, you push at his chest and turn to walk away. “You did not just compare her to Daisy from The Great Gatsby!”
Steve follows. “That’s the one! Honest! She has this way about her!”
    It’s not long after a few dances and photographs that you’re all seated for the actual dinner. There are three long tables, two parallel to each other and the main one perpendicular. You don’t know if it’s a power move or whatever, but your name cards are placed on one of the parallel tables. But it doesn’t bother you much since you have a front view of Seda and your father. 
Dinner is a six-course meal. Not that you assumed any different - Ernesto really went all out for his youngest child (that you know of). Your mics are picking up conversations left and right so you’re actually able to enjoy the meal. Salad, soup, a weird looking appetizer that’s actually quite delicious, the main course of either chicken/fish/or steak, and two desserts. All throughout, Steve is actually having the time of his life being fed so well. 
“Answer me this,” Steve leans in to whisper in your ear. “Are those hearts or paper airplanes hanging from the ceiling?”
You smiled against the ridge of your champagne glass, “You mean those clay flowers?”
“Is that what they are?” He pauses for a long second, squinting.
“Are your eyes going bad?” 
“Eyes don’t go bad.”
Your mouth falls open. “Your eyes are going bad!”
“Again,” Steve holds up a finger. “My eyes are just fine, not bad.”
Something else to add to that list you had made in the morning.
“This is fucking fantastic.”
Steve, still trying to casually squint, huffs. “Annoying...”
You bump his shoulder and lean in to whisper quietly. “Turns you on.”
Steve just blushes.
    It’s like he forgets where he is for a second, what with the great food and surprisingly good conversation with one of your brothers beside him. Steve’s already built a much stronger rapport with the thirty-something year old man than you have. There’s a stab of guilt for a second, a need to duck and drown in shame, when you realize you can’t even remember his name.
Ernesto stands to announce toasts. His is brief and not all that fatherly, but it’s the longest you’ve heard him string some nice words together. Seda follows, brief as well, and includes a childhood anecdote about her. Jackeline’s mother is a young woman, somewhere between forty and fifty, and her toast is only a sentence long - ‘Solo quiero que estas contenta, mi amor.’ For the first time tonight, Bucky voices his thoughts over the mic with a quiet and sad sounding hum.
Ernesto lifts himself from his chair, swatting away his men who go to help him. He has the microphone again and he’s walking toward you, face neutral. You know better than to refuse in front of this big of a crowd. Steve squeezes your hand before you stand and he remains beaming up at you from his seat. 
You’ve seen it in the movies - raise the glass, say some words, end it nicely. It’s what you do. But it feels surreal, almost unnerving when you don’t recognize the faces looking back at you. 
     “Here’s to you,” you lift your champagne glass, looking around at the happy yet solemn faces at the small table. 
“You deserve all the happiness available to you. You are so lucky to have each other,” you finish the toast and drink your whole glass. There is no applause, just sad smiles in response. You’re not asking for much, you never had.
Tony and Pepper share a quick kiss, thanking everyone around the table quickly as the two cakes are being cut. Their wedding was limited, with only a few people in attendance. Whoever was left. Tony’s cabin could obviously accommodate more people, but he had only requested the gathering of those he could stomach to see. But when that turned out to only be Pepper and Happy, he was forced to open the doors to more. 
So, you accepted your chocolate cake from Rhodey as he handed it to you. Shared some quick chit-chat with Steve and Natasha; greeted Thor as he made his first appearance in a while, hair now longer and baggy clothes hanging from his body, a tortured smile on his aging face; and sat through Happy’s own speech, enjoying his refreshing and joyful attitude. 
But now you stood in front of the kitchen sink, staring at the hidden picture frame behind the mugs - a reminder of what was really missing from this special day. 
You studied Peter’s awkward smile and demeanor, his expression youthful and frozen in time. He became foggy, silver clouds blotting his cheeks and his hair went white, and soon the sink sounded with a tiny ‘clunk!’ as you wept silently. 
You felt a hand slide into your own, squeezing with care and understanding. You looked up to see Steve, his eyes watching your face. He gave you one more gentle squeeze, the same tortured smile as Thor’s on his beautiful face, and walked to his room to retire for the night. 
     Glass raised in the air, you swallow in hopes of not choking over any word because of your nerves. 
“Here’s to you,” you start, already deciding this was going to be like pulling a band-aid. “May this world treat you kind, and that you are kind to each other, and that it’s all that matters.”
Steve forgets to drink. He can’t seem to shake the feeling of wanting to cry.
     Everyone watches as Steve leads you onto the dance floor which is intimidating with its glittering violet light and marble that resembles polished glass. If these were the decorations for the rehearsal dinner, Steve can’t even begin to bet on how tomorrow’s going to look. 
Steve holds you close, one arm wrapped around your waist and the other framing your spine. It’s like a tight hug. “Do you enjoy dancing?”
You step on his foot once again. “Shut up, Steve. Tell me your real thoughts.”
“Who, me?”
“Steve.”
“You suck at dancing.”
“There it is.”
     It isn’t hard to sneak away once everyone piles onto the dance floor. Steve shares a few dances with your aunts before excusing himself to use the bathroom. 
The mission itself goes rather smoothly. Infiltrating and collecting information was childsplay. Amateur. You’ve done it a thousand times and your father isn’t exactly a tech wizard. Neither is Seda. 
You find the electronic bank records Scott couldn’t yesterday, as well as a detailed spreadsheet (more like a hitlist) dating ten years back. In the same file, this actually only slightly encrypted (slightly), are the names of high-level players involved. It’s color-coded, some names familiar because of their involvement with Hydra, and it’s only a matter of seconds before you notice that red means eliminated, black means still at large, and blue means ally. 
There’s a lump in your throat as you scroll through and find Steve’s name, thankfully in blue. It’s expected, so you simply move on, until you find yours. And it’s in black. 
It should terrify you, have you running for the hills and tucking your tail between your legs but you’re won’t because Steve’s name is blue. 
That’s all that matters. 
There’s still no concrete information about the shipment, nothing online or on a loose post-it note. It’s non-existent and that’s suspicious and you don’t know why you don’t voice that to Steve. He’s listening at the door and responding to Sam’s questions. You and Scott are the hackers of the group after all. 
You scan through drawers and cabinets, snapping photos of things you can’t take just yet and filing the papers you can. Papers detailing contracts and miscellaneous connections: lawyers, doctors, politicians, police. Once that’s done, you shrink the evidence to the size of a fingernail with the help of Scott’s tech and hide it in your bra. 
Surprisingly enough, the two of you are able to slip out of the office and the first couple living rooms undetected. Until Jackeline herself appears, pulling down her dress as she exits the bathroom. Steve, stunned by the presence of anyone, pulls you toward his chest with unfocused strength. You hiss loudly and naturally go to cup your injured elbow. It takes a moment for Steve to realize what he’s done and who he’s done it to. 
Jackeline nearly stumbles over her heels out of pure clumsiness but her mouth parts as she notices you and the harsh sound you make. If she truly saw or heard anything, she’s keeping it to herself it seems. 
“Ernesto wanted to see me before we called it a night,” Steve says, letting go of your arm and taking a step back. He doesn’t outright say he’s sorry; he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to. So he braves a smile, sends you a look, and excuses himself. 
No conversation ever comes naturally - or, rather they take at least minimal effort from either party. You say the first thing you can think of and that’s to congratulate her again. 
Your rambling sort of sounds like the toast you gave earlier, but Jackeline either doesn’t want to embarrass you or simply doesn’t notice. She waits for the pause in your voice before she finally speaks.
“Before I start, don’t hate me for this.”
“That’s not a good way to start a sente-” Your face is smacked to the side absurdly hard and you can feel the sting at the base of your neck. You look back at your sister with wide eyes.
“You couldn’t leave the world dead? He was finally dead!”
Baffled, you rub at your sore cheek. “Why am I the one getting the most blame for that? I followed a fucking raccoon around and I didn’t even snap my fingers!”
“Sorry,” she blinks, eyebrows scrunching as she thinks of the next thing to say. “Sorry, I just… it was that easy to kill him and then he just… wasn’t.”
“I don’t know if you noticed, but you were also dead.”
“I was.”
“And we brought back trillions.”
“I know.”
Never once did you wonder what your siblings might have thought. More than half of them were separated from this life, while a few remained and conquered their allowed sectors. Ernesto had never discussed which of his children would take over his seat. But when he was dusted and Seda assumed power, it was clear not one sibling wanted anything to do with it. Or they were just too scared to outright disobey Seda and his tyranny.
Jackeline stands tall, shoulders straight and chin held high. She didn’t seem to worry about the repercussions of her actions - she knows who you are and what you are capable of. The smack seemed deliberate but restrained.
“So?” It’s the only word you can muster up.
“Please don’t judge me.” Her confidence falters and her eyebrows push down even further. “I know you know.”
“You gotta spell it out because I know a lot of things.”
Sighing deeply, she grabs the hand you’re using to rub at your cheek. She grips it tightly as she speaks. “I love him. But he’s impossible to love now and I can’t do anything about it.”
“Oh, Jackeline…”
You could have contacted her. You were on social media - you could have followed her, maybe messaged her annually - hell, called her once in a while to simply check in. The ticket you got was always a temporary one: go to school and find a way to make the trade routes easier to travel. School finished, you found Fury, and you created an alternate identity and background plan to trick your family into doing just what they ordered. And during all that time, Jackeline was barely in her pre-teens, probably scared and alone and missing her only sister. This was just you throwing that smack out of proportion but there was truth in it all. Wasn’t there?
“Julian’s okay. I agreed to this arranged marriage. I’m sure I can grow to love him,” she shrugs, biting her lip as it begins to quiver.
Her eyes are no longer happy - perhaps that was the wrong word to use after she had just confided in you about the reality of her upcoming union. But they definitely seem more dull in comparison to the joyfulness she presented earlier tonight.
“Jackeline, you don’t have to-”
“No, I was gone those five years. He had to move on.” You drop your shoulders and lean forward to give her a hug. No matter how badly you wanted to wrap your hands around Ernesto’s neck, they had more use tenderly wrapped around your sister. 
Relishing the feeling for only a moment longer, Jackeline is ignited once again. “Besides, I should be telling you that! I saw the way that… that fascist pulled you. If he’s hurting you, I’ll kill him.”
Your eyes must be bulging out of your head. “Oh.” 
She looks at you as if you’re going to admit abuse and confide in her like she did you. “No, it’s okay. Steve’s perfect, he’s… wonderful.”
Jackeline shakes her head rapidly, “Don’t you lie to me. I know what I saw.”
“I’m not lying. But you gotta trust me. I’ll explain later-”
“Explain what?”
Seda breaks the conversation and you forget to curse inwardly. Instead, a mumbled ‘fuck’ is heard. It only serves to fuel the flame. Jackeline flashes a rehearsed smile, and she truly is your sister because for a sad moment she looks exactly like you.
“Explain why she never returned my calls to be my maid of honor! I swear, this one is always so busy she forgets I exist!”
“She is,” Seda agrees, grinning like he already knows what the original conversation was about. “Always busy.” 
Jackeline keeps the same smile and is about to continue fanning the flames when Seda interrupts again. “Jackie, your father wanted me to speak with your sister alone for a moment. It has to do with tomorrow’s shipment.”
“Yes, of course. Don’t keep her for too long, okay? Tomorrow’s a late start but we all need our beauty sleep.” Jackeline leaves and fails to look over her shoulder to double check on you.
Seda steps closer, arms swinging casually like he’s pondering the possibilities of what he could do without Steve present. But instead of focusing solely on him, you listen to the soft sound of Bucky’s voice through the mic as he tells you that he’s listening in and he’s here.
“What did she say to you?”
“Is it really any of your business?”
He snaps immediately, gripping your cheeks in one hand so you can’t move your head. “When will you learn to keep your goddamn mouth shut around me?”
“You asked.” Smacking his hand away would have been frowned upon before, but not anymore. Free reign if need be. “Besides, when will you learn that that will never happen?”
“You can’t believe anything she tells you. Ernesto’s only two daughters are mistakes, both threats to his reign. Never submissive, always asking questions-”
You grunt almost comically, “Men and their irrational fears of women… What did I ever do to you?”
He pauses and you notice how his angry eyes always seem to water from his frustration. “You brought him back.”
“I also brought back trillions.”
“You know,” his face does something unpleasant. “Before Jackeline was dusted, she had been seeing that priest.”
“How could you possibly know-”
“He was so devastated by her loss. Found God, became a changed man.”
“Seda, what are you playing at?”
“She came back.” He lifts one finger. “He couldn’t resist.” He raises another. “Didn’t take long for Ernesto to find out.” The third one is the last, and he mimics a small explosion as he concludes. “But don’t worry, we took care of him.”
You never once believed the Devil was this angry, red demon with horns atop his head and a sharp tail, voice booming as he ruled the underworld with the weapons of pain and suffering. He didn’t possess or haunt random places. If anything, the Devil himself was simply a metaphor, a representation of the evil in a living world. It only made people comfortable to create an image, no matter how ridiculous.
Once you even thought the Devil was Hades, and he wasn’t all that bad when it truly came down to the root of all problems. He oversaw the underworld but he didn’t take life, he didn’t cause the pain, he simply watched and ruled. That maybe Hades was real considering Thor was, and he was just chilling in the underworld bored out of his mind.
But the evil the Devil represented was a constant in this world already, in your life from start to finish, and Seda’s eyes held something unspeakable. Dark brown eyes almost black, left cheek twitching with the urge to smile grotesquely, the tense nature of his broad shoulders. He was no massive man, a few inches taller than you, but he was a giant in a world in which Hades lacked and the Devil persisted.
“But Julian-”
Seda scoffs, “Julian was her rebound. Got mixed up in the business, with Ernesto  - but I don’t doubt he loves Jackeline.”
You’re this close to breaking the man’s fingers. He doesn’t stop counting his supposed triumphs. “When were the pictures taken?”
“Don’t do that,” he laughs as he finally steps away from you. “Ask your real question.”
Your smile was involuntary. So was Seda’s. It was the one thing you had in common: smiling at things that weren’t funny. “Did you threaten him? Torture him? Kill him yet?”
“... Jackeline will never know.”
Your mouth parts slowly like you’re still digesting his words. “You unimaginable bastard.”
If you had to bet, you would have placed all your money on Ernesto being the giant to fear. He had hurt you in countless ways, used you and discarded what he didn’t like, put you in the line of fire for his own gain. He had taken pleasure in knowing you hurt, in knowing what you had lost and suffered. He mocked your sacrifice time and time again. And there was a sentence you had never uttered out loud for fear of what you might do, or what anyone hearing you might do, that Ernesto had said one chilly November night only a year after the world returned. It was a thought so suppressed you almost always forgot it had been real. ‘A shame the Widow did what she did - what an unbelievable asset wasted over something pointless.’
No one outside your circle could possibly understand. They didn’t have to - but to dismiss the main reason he was retaking his tainted throne... insanity. 
But something in Seda’s voice moved even the most dormant areas in your soul. The giant was a man with nothing and everything to lose but with the power to choose which. Staring at him for too long prompted an uncomfortable sting across your waterline like his glare burned. Such a normal looking man with short dark hair and an aging face. He stared at you with a set look, one that told you he knew something you didn’t. Like he controlled giants even bigger than him. He wasn’t Hades, who restrained himself and hid in the shadows of a world he was forced to rule - he was the Devil’s metaphor, with red strains licking his tan skin and eyes sharp enough to puncture.
With a small tilt of his head and a strangled grin, he finally turns to leave. “Have a safe drive home.”
     After saying a quick goodbye to Jackeline and securing the estate, you hurried to get to your car and leave. Ernesto had just sent you a quick nod of the head and reminded Steve he needed to see him again before the wedding started. All your leftover energy literally went into pulling open the passenger door. 
Out of instinct now, you wait until the car is past the gates and a good mile from the hidden entrance before speaking freely.
“We get everything?”
The night is dark and you can barely see the outline of the trees. The sky is covered with gray clouds and there are no lampposts to provide light. It’s really just your headlights. “I think so. I think.”
Steve can sense the hesitancy in your answer. “What’s wrong?”
You shake with an exaggerated shiver, “Seda was being creepy… just more than usual.”
“What do you mean?” Steve was probably communicating and online with Sam during his conversation with Ernesto and completely missed the one you had with Seda.
“Fuckin’ didn’t think it could get weirder, but Jackeline mentioned how this was basically an arranged marriage and then Seda,” you stop suddenly. The uneasiness was creeping back. 
“An arranged marriage? Fuck, what else is this mission going to throw at us?”
‘Captain?’
Steve’s hands accidentally swerve the steering wheel as response to the small fright. “... Was that your phone or mine?”
You fumbled through your mini purse for your phone. “Me. Hey? Friday?”
‘The one and only. I hope that didn’t frighten you because I really need your attention right about now.’
Steve chuckles, eyes straight ahead as he drives. “That doesn’t sound ominous at all.”
‘My readings are picking up something strange. The vehicle, even if I’m not able to virtually connect, seems to be stalling.’ Torres did curse you two before you left for renting a car made before 2013.
“What do you mean? It’s working just fine.” 
You set your phone down on the dash to start looking around the interior of the car.
‘The pedal, yes Captain. But I’m afraid my readings are focused on the brakes.’
You bite your tongue and scrunch up your nose. What else could possibly happen tonight? “That’s always fun to hear, great. Greaaaat.”
“Friday, what are you picking up?” Steve’s voice is more stern and even if he’s not doing it on purpose, he’s trying to ignore your coping mechanism of joking during dire situations.
‘It seems that when they took the vehicle for parking, they attached something to the brake lines. Sort of like a trigger sensor. Do not slow down.’
“We’re stuck? We can’t stop?”
‘Everytime the Captain de-accelerates, the sensor heats up. That’s what my readings are.’
“Fuck,” you unclipped your seatbelt and turned your body toward Steve. “Fuck!”
“Friday, what do we do?” The least Steve could do is be the level-headed one here.
‘Exactly what you’re thinking, Captain. The shield’s in the trunk.’
“We can’t exactly get to it!” You don’t mean to scream at Friday. You’re sure she’s used to adrenaline induced attacks guided toward her and never about her.
‘The burners were produced by Stark Industries for our very own spy unit. They are equipped with a taser, flashlight, and laser.’
Jumping so your feet were planted firmly on the passenger seat, you make sure everything is in place: the stolen files, your gun, your phone, and earpiece. “Keep your foot on that pedal, Rogers. I don’t feel like blowing up tonight.”
He releases a shaky breath, hands turning pale from the grip he has on the steering wheel. “You and me both.”
“Friday?” Your voice is only slightly timid, but you manage to move your body out from the front seats and to the back.
‘The laser, Agent Y/LN. Cut through the seats.’
Nodding along to her instructions, you search for the burner under your skirt and unstrap it from the holster. Pulling its ancient antenna outward, Friday verbally guides you through the very simple instruction. The laser blasts out unexpectedly at first making you squeal, which in turn causes Friday (a literal AI) to chuckle. You’re thankful the antenna was facing the back seats already.
“Doing good back there?”
You respond with a low grunt as you carefully carve out the largest rectangle you can create. “You better have shoved the thing close. Any stop signs up ahead?”
Steve’s getting worried now, but instead of putting you more on edge, he hides it pretty well. “Thank god this place is in the middle of nowhere.”
You don’t even give his response acknowledgement as you finally pull the leather, metal, and weird cushion filling away and spot the shield. “I got it, got it, got it.”
‘My sensors suggest you’ll have a good five seconds to escape the vehicle once the Captain releases the pedal.’
You make sure your hair is in the tightest ponytail known to man and that your skirt is bunched up in your free arm. You strap the shield onto the other. “Steve, you gonna be alright?”
His eyes are still focused on the road, but he braves a look in the mirror back at you. His voice is stern but not demanding. “I know you hate the damn shield but bend your legs, jump sideways, and tuck your head.”
“Yeah,” you nod along. Damn straight you’ll put your hate aside for one second if it’s here to save your life. “You better jump on time, you understand me?”
“Sam,” Steve keeps the speed steady and tries to ignore the way his heart is pounding from the sound of you kicking open the back door. “Sam, Widow. Widow.”
Before you jump, the asphalt a never ending, rapid glare of absolute darkness, you leave your phone on the seat in case Steve still needs her. “Friday, send Sam and Torres our location. They’re the only ones who can fly in undetected. Tell them what you told us.”
‘Will do, Agent Y/LN.’
“Be careful.”
You smirk at him, “Don’t be a hero and crash this one into the ice, yeah?”
You don’t wait for his reaction and instead take the plunge. The shield makes a hard impact with the asphalt down below, screeching for what seems like an eternity before slowing down. You did as instructed: knees tucked into your chest as far as you were able, head doing the same. By the time the ride finally ends and you’ve gone partially deaf, you can make out the sound of a loud explosion a close distance away. The heat from the sudden burst of wind nips at your face. You’ve also gone partially blind. 
Your poor boots are definitely ruined and there’s a faint tell of a bruised ankle in the works. The arm attached to the shield will also need to be popped back into place - it shouldn’t feel this loose. Luckily, your head and torso were completely unscathed. 
Lifting yourself up the best you could without straining anything too much, you noticed the car still in flames but driven off the road. 
“He jumped, he jumped, he jumped,” you repeat, limping as quickly as you could, shield still attached to your arm. The closer you get the clearer everything becomes, regardless of the smoke. “Steve.”
You squint through the orange light and the dark of night. The fire wasn’t all that loud in its crackles and it doesn’t take you long to realize while tapping your ears that you lost your earpiece. 
“Steve,” you try again, adrenaline still pumping but panic seeping in. As if on cue, you can make out his body laying far away from the car relatively unharmed. “Ah, shit.” You drop down on your knees and wince involuntarily. Slapping his cheeks doesn’t wake him up, neither does gently shaking him. You don’t want to do anything to hurt him more. 
The sound of gravel popping kicks you back into spy mode. Hide. This was a hit, of course it was, and they were coming to see their job done. 
“You so owe me,” you groan as you unstrap the shield to throw it into the woods, the faint tell of it hitting a tree enough to make you work faster. You hook your arms underneath Steve’s armpits and bend your knees, breathing in deeply and out a few times before pulling him with all your strength. There’s pain shooting up your arm but you try to ignore it. Small whimpers escape you as you pull harder and finally make it a good distance from the wreckage. You sit Steve, still unconscious, behind one of those massive pine trees and sit next to him after retrieving the shield. 
It’s only two black SUV’s that come to check their hard work. They’re bending down and using their own fire extinguishers, snapping their own photos, the works. It isn’t until Seda walks over to admire the wreckage that you have to bite your bottom lip to keep from screaming. 
You’re seated in front of Steve now with the shield in front of you when a sudden movement to your left startles you. Before you scream, however, a hand covers your mouth. 
“Shh, shh.” Sam. Your eyes fill with tears. 
“I’ve got him. Torres is coming for you, alright? I’m the only one who can carry him out.”
It doesn’t take much to convince you. You’re silently helping Sam strap Steve against his chest as Seda and his men are now investigating the woods. You can hear them close, cursing and yelling about finding you. 
“Go a little further. Down there,” Sam points in front of you. “Torres is parked and waiting. Go.”
“Don’t drop him.” Sam stifles his laugh. 
You follow his directions, limping as quickly as you can, and finally find Torres, your second knight in shining armor of the night. 
    After an all clear from the medical team, Steve is left alone in your hotel room to rest. He still hasn’t woken up but Helen isn’t worried since his scans show no major damage. Small talk with the rest of the team fills in the time but it’s like you’re not really there, merely a participant on a loop. There’s a bitter taste in your mouth and you’re covered in scratches and smoky ash and you can’t shake the feeling of wanting to kill something. 
Your father wanted you dead. And showing up to the wedding was just going to anger him more but it had to be done. But you were tired, so fucking tired, tired to the point where you couldn’t sleep or rest.
You let your hair down but stay in your tattered clothing, making yourself useful as best you can. You answer questions, you review footage, you draft up some reports. Bucky tries to sit you down at one point, but he backs off when you simply shake your head and give him that famous broken smile. 
You’re sitting at your desk trying to save some of your phone’s cloud through the connected email. Sam has already ordered you a new phone. On the computer to your left, you’re scanning and uploading the files you stole tonight. On the right, your little butterfly is transcribing conversations from yesterday. 
The transcription is finished before the uploads. It prints. 
SEDA: ‘Ernesto needs to know how many more women we can get from Jonathon. I thought you said your Italian contact was up to date?’
UNKNOWN: ‘He is. But the women are coming from here instead. Got a load of ten just now.’
SEDA: ‘The shipment goes out during the wedding. Not before, not after. We can’t fuck this up for Ernesto and we cannot have the stars and stripes finding out.’
UNKNOWN: ‘Ernesto plans to mention it to him tomorrow.’
SEDA: ‘Then make sure he keeps quiet about it.’
The bitter taste in your mouth returns and you have to run to the nearest bathroom.
     Steve wakes just an hour after, disoriented but able to discern who he is. “What happened?”
You’re standing at the foot of his bed, having just got there a few minutes before, practically on the verge of tears. “... Did you know?”
There it was. Any hope of truly coming to terms with this new world order or his role in it, any hope of feeling like he did before he succumbed to the American war propaganda and became a science experiment, crumbling before him. The heavy weight that were your shoulders, crumbling like shaky mountains. His own, tense and straining and urging him to get out of bed. 
He’s been in the trenches when the smell of gas and blood clogged his nostrils and made him dizzy. He’s experienced loss a thousand times over, just heinous instances of despair where he swore he was torn in two. He’s lost on his own accord and pretended like the world was still on its axis. 
And he knew his time was up. He just thought he’d have more than a day to enjoy it.  “I was going to tell you.”
It’s like the air is punched out of you. “You knew?”
“Please, listen, please,” he scrambles out of bed.
“What the fuck, Rogers?”
“Ramirez told us yesterday. I swear I only found out yesterday. Yesterday.”
“Yesterday?” You’re stepping away from him. He’s almost on his hands and knees and you’re stepping away from him. “Before?”
Steve makes a pained noise. “Yes, but please-”
“No! You kept this to yourself and you had the fucking audacity to share the same bed as me?”
“Please, let me explain-” He tries to reach out but you side-step him. He reacts like you’ve shot him.
“Don’t touch me, Steve!”
“Please, just let me explain. We all know - Bucky, Sam, Torres, we all know.”
Your face does something he’s never seen it do. “Fuck?”
He’s talking faster now, words just spilling on the floor and into the air and he doesn’t know what else to do. “We’re tracking it. We have a plan set. We were supposed to tell you tomorrow before the wedding.” He stops to take in a breath. “I was going to tell you.”
“You went behind my back.”
“If I would have told you, you would have done something horrible tonight! We need your father alive to find those people!”
Eyes wide in shock and anguish, you step further away from him. Each step was the equivalent of a dagger plunging deep into Steve’s heart, twisting and burning its way to the depths of his vulnerability. He wanted to succumb to the pain - after all, he deserved it.
“That would have been my choice to make!”
Now he pushed forward, shoulders hunched and palms turned upward as if he was pleading for a crumb of understanding. “I was gonna kill him.”
He drops to his knees, arms wrapping around your waist. You remained perfectly still, a tree stump with no cover. “I was gonna shoot him between the eyes when I first found out. But if I had done that, then we would never know the location of those people.”
His weight was pulling you down and you felt his wet cheek against your stomach. “I deserved to know.”
His grip tightened, “You did. But if you would have known-”
“I would have known. Period.”
He had to know how much he weighed. But Steve leaned his body onto yours harder, afraid you would vanish and god forbid turn to dust. It didn’t really register in his mind that, even though he was holding you in place, you weren’t exactly trying to escape his hold either. 
He had let you go once and he’ll be goddamned if he let you go again. 
“It ate me alive. I hated doing this-”
You pushed against his shoulders and sensed his reluctance to let go. Instead, you look down at him and tense your jaw. “Steve, you don’t hate me, do you?”
His face dropped and his grip loosened. You should just slap him across the face, Steve thinks, because how in the world were you thinking that at this moment? Never did he think you would find a way to twist this - to somehow blame yourself for his mistake. Took a long time to see it, but you were just as righteous as he was. It would get you both killed someday. 
“Why do you think that? What in the world would make you think that after all this time? After everything?”
He lets you push him away so he could stand but he makes sure to keep his hands on you. A tangible promise that you are real. 
“You agreed to help me catch a drug lord. You didn’t sign up for this extra mess.”
“We may not always know what we’re up against,” Steve began, sniffing and wiping at his wet face. God, he felt like such a mess. “But I could never fucking hate you. Don’t even think that.”
“You sure?” your voice cracks, hands slightly shaking from the need to touch him too. “Captain America didn’t sign up for this.”
He shakes his head almost violently, “No, no. Don’t go there. I am not him, I haven’t been him in a long time.”
“Steve-”
“No! I’ve hated the title for a while now. I’m done. I’ve hated my reflection for years and years.” The tiny whine in the middle of your throat gurgled and your hands moved instantly to cup his cheeks.  “I represent no one but myself. I’m tired of others thinking I’m the same man from ten years ago, or the same man from the forties, or the same man from last week just because they’re enamored by that star on my chest.”
He tilts his head to lean into your touch, “I am helping you because it’s the honorable thing to do. I signed up for this work, I intend to finish it. Not Captain America, but me - Steve, me.”
“You’re still making me feel like it’s something you have to do.”
“I admit that I was never overly fond of the idea of being wrapped up in this,” Steve admits, hands now cupping yours over his cheeks. “But toppling this empire will keep you safe.”
As heartwarming as that sounded, you broke the fantasy. “The minute we take the giants out, they’ll elect someone new.”
“But we take the giants out. The giants that hurt you.”
He’s right, like always. 
“Steve,” you say quietly, bringing his face closer to kiss away his tears. You’re struggling to keep the tippy-toes and your ankle is screaming for a break, but you persist. “You should have told me.”
“I know.”
“No more secrets.”
“None, I swear, I promise.”
Biting your lip to keep from crying, you make sure his eyes are locked on yours before you speak. “I’m not walking away this time. I’m not leaving you. Not again.”
Steve’s mouth releases a big burst of air like he was holding it in, and he wraps you in a hug that promises the same.
~
TAGLIST: @dumb-ass-writer @justab-eautifulmess​ @supraveng @mycosmicparadise @missnighttigress​
A/N: Wooooo that took forever lol xxMoni
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silence-burns · 4 years
Text
Please Hate Me //part 46
Fandom: Marvel
Summary: Based on: “Imagine having a love/hate relationship with Loki.” by @thefandomimagine​ Who would have thought that babysitting a god could be so much fun?
Genre: slow-burn, enemies to lovers, banter
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Mornings, contrary to popular belief, could actually be quite enjoyable, especially if experienced around noon. 
There were few things better than the comforts and warmth of one's bed, and a loved one's body pressed close, resting peacefully within reach. Even the sunlight didn't bother Loki much. He'd grown used to the dim rays of the winter sun doing their best against the low-hanging clouds. It would snow again, as it did the past couple of days.
The apartment had windows overlooking a wild patch of a garden tucked in between the buildings, forgotten or ignored by the residents. It wasn't much, but a few gnarled trees managed to take roots and grow unattended, to the delight of all kinds of birds from the neighborhood. Once the snow melted, it would be easier to judge if there was any potential to work on that place, but for now, both of you just watched over it, occasionally feeding whatever animals fancied some corn on that day.
The few snowmen Peter had worked on showed both his progress and the unquestionable lack of skills. Loki wasn't sure if it was possible for a snowman to lean to the side any further without falling, but he was certain the boy would ease his doubts next time he paid a visit.
Thankfully, chances of that happening anytime soon were low enough for Loki to feel safe, at least until classes end. A small mercy, but one that he'd take gladly. 
Loki turned to the side and buried his face in your neck. The soft fabric of the covers slipped off your sleeping form, daring him with a display of skin marked by his ministrations from last night. Or maybe the night before that. It was hard to discern between the days lately. They blurred together because of the amount of work to focus on. The apartment was in a good condition overall, but in dire need of redesigning. The tiresome work was made easier once Loki realized how easily his magic could bend the walls and the space contained within them.
Still, he deserved to rest, and he intended to continue doing so when he heard the last thing he wanted. 
Knocking. 
It couldn't be Peter, who'd either walk in or stick himself to the window after half a minute of not answering. Loki looked over his shoulder. The window behind him was still boy-free. 
That meant whoever decided to make the gravest mistake of their lives could be a neighbor. Neighbors were supposed to be friendly, or at least neutral toward new residents, as you'd explained a few days ago. It wouldn't be anything strange if one of them decided to pay a little visit to say hi. None did so far, but if any dared, Loki would make sure it was their last. 
Unfortunately, there was another possibility that came solely from the fact of an opening business, advertising it on the aforementioned door and allowing the, also aforementioned, boy to spread the business cards all over the city. 
It could be a client. 
It wouldn't be such a bad thing overall, but it was at the very bottom of the things Loki wanted to deal with instead of sleeping. If it was up to him, he'd just cancel the sound with a quick spell and ignore it further, but he couldn't forget your joy when your first client visited a few days ago. The sense of purpose it gave you and the way it made you smile were still vivid in Loki's memory. Even if the first client was a first-grader missing a tooth.
Still, you made him a promise and even put him into the schedule, promising to resolve his problem...today, actually.
Loki sighed and braced himself mentally for the walk downstairs. If the kid showed up to check how it went, he'd be in for a surprise. Loki pushed himself off the mattress, pulling the covers over your shoulder to keep you warm. 
He didn't bother himself with looking for a coherent set of clothing among the things scattered on the floor and furniture. Lately, he'd spent most of his free time in a wonderfully green robe you gave him as a gift anyway, and he didn't feel like breaking his new routine. Walking down the stairs, Loki did his best to keep his eyes open enough to see the steps. A child or not, someone would be getting a lecture about the importance of beauty sleep…
Loki opened the door, reminding himself that however strange it might sound, murder was not always the answer to every problem.
Loki frowned. He closed the door. He opened it again.
"Haven't I murdered you already?" he asked.
Agent Coulson put on a smile he must've practiced in front of a mirror a hundred times. "It would seem so."
The old lady living next door looked them over and decided she didn't need to leave her apartment as much as she had thought. The locks clicked one by one when she turned on her heels and closed them firmly.
Loki debated following in her steps when Coulson said something that made even Loki freeze.
"I paid you a visit because the Avengers and SHIELD need your help."
Loki blinked before erupting into laughter - waves and waves of it that he just couldn't stop. His body shook with the bizarre words of a long dead human he had almost forgotten about already. For a moment, he considered what the neighbors must be thinking if they'd been eavesdropping, but it was of secondary importance. What really mattered was that his mood changed so quickly Loki hadn't even noticed.
"I'm glad you're taking my visit well," Coulson smiled tightly, waiting patiently for Loki to calm down.
"Oh, don't worry. Killing you the second time will do wonders to my mood for the whole week," a dagger slipped into Loki's hand.
"Who are we killing today?"
Both men froze hearing you. You walked down the stairs with a blanket pulled tightly over your shoulders. Good manners dedicated you cover your yawning mouth, but your hands bunched in the thick fabric of the blanket reminded you of what was truly important in one's life, especially before noon. Or coffee.
"I thought we agreed on a no killing rule in the mornings? It complicates the whole day."
"To be fair, I've killed this man before."
"And now he's come for a refund?" You turned to Coulson. "I'm sorry, agent. We aren't open yet. Can you come back in the afternoon?"
"Don't worry about it," the agent said. "I've come for a completely different matter. As I've already begun explaining to your…"
"Love of my life," you helped him.
"...I came here asking for your help. Both of you. I would be delighted if we could talk about this like civilized people."
"What a wonderful idea, my dear corpse. Come in."
"Could you please put down your gun first?"
"I don't have a-"
"Please. I just want to talk."
Coulson's polite smile was as unnerving as you remembered it from the few rather brief encounters you'd had in the past.
"Fine," you growled, pushing the blanket to the side and dropping a gun onto the coffee table.
Loki had his eyes on the agent when he walked further into the room. Loki and you were still not sure whether it should be an office or just a living room, so for now it stayed somewhere in between. Coulson didn't mention the state of disarray, but he didn't sit on the couch.
"So what's all the fuss about?" you asked.
"An object was stolen from a SHIELD safe house two nights ago. Despite our greatest efforts, we have been unable to find it. We are well aware of the set of skills the two of you possess," Coulson gave Loki a sharp look, "and are keen on paying you generously for your help."
"No," Loki shrugged. "We listened, now you can go bother someone else."
The agent sighed. He didn't seem particularly surprised, though. 
"How generously?" you asked carefully. You shushed Loki before he started complaining. "You must realize we're living quite comfortably already and there's not much that we need."
"Name your price then." Coulson's smile didn't waver, and it was clear he was open to negotiations. The case must be dire, then. And if whatever had been stolen came from the depths of SHIELD's super secret base, it must not only be worth a fortune, but also highly dangerous and possibly not quite from this world. 
Loki's elbow kept on jabbing your ribs in desperate hope of getting your attention, but you were too deep in your schemes already.
"We don’t have much interest in money," you leaned back on the couch, fixing the blanket absentmindedly, "but since both of us already have ties with your organization, why not go into that direction? We'd love to have the kind of… support you can offer."
The smile on your face was sweet enough to make Loki's teeth rot, but he kept quiet. He had no idea what was on your mind, but he was keen on finding out. He looked at the agent.
"I'm afraid SHIELD is not the right kind of agency to clean up after you mess something up," Coulson said.
"I'm pretty sure you guys are perfect when it comes to disappearing people and wiping away their messes as if they never were. Last time I saw you work, you were quite efficient."
There was definitely a history between the two of you. Loki kept his smile to himself as he watched the agent's shoulders shift. Whatever the story was, it clearly involved a part the agent was not the happiest about.
"Could you reconsider?" he asked at last.
"We named our price."
"This artifact is of the utmost importance. Surely you understand what the stakes are?"
"This is a private business, darling," you gestured around. "If you wanted the heroes, especially those working pro bono, I'm afraid you climbed the wrong tower. But since you came to us, and I'm sure that’s not because you miss our lovely faces, you must've already considered that option, didn't you?"
Coulson sighed. "You've got yourself a deal."
The grin on your face was nothing short of wolfish. "How lovely. Now, what did you lose?"
The box Coulson took out of the pocket of his suit was neither big nor pretty. If anything, the thin wood looked worn, and the edges were rounded from time and touch. Still, it was enough to make Loki tense next to you, and not touch it when the agent set it on the table.
"It used to hold a pin, and the pin used to have a gem of unknown origin. Now there's neither, and we want them back."
You exchanged looks with Loki.
"We'll contact you when we find anything out," you promised.
You wondered how desperate Coulson must've been if he didn't even argue before leaving the not-office. In the silence that fell upon the room, your attention turned to the box. No ornaments and not even a lock. If such an important pin had been put inside of it, why was the box not secured more?
"What do you think?" you laid back into Loki's side.
"Are we actually doing this? I'm not the right person to talk about trust issues, but I'm pretty sure I've already killed that guy."
"Did you sense anything off about him?"
"Not really. But when it comes to this little box…" Loki's hand hovered above it, but he didn't touch the wood. "I probably shouldn't be surprised to find mice residue, but I'm quite puzzled about that disgusting tang of necromancy."
"Do you think the pin had been used for some dark rituals?" you wiggled your eyebrows. 
"I'm afraid we'll only find that out if we can figure out where the pin went."
"What are we waiting for then?”
A few hours passed without any further interference, but as all good things, that time had to pass at last. The rather casual afternoon at your apartment had been interrupted by a certain boy who had secured himself a spare set of keys beforehand, and now used them to enter.
Peter froze midstep.
"Close the door. It takes way too long to reignite all these candles," you said from the living room turned office turned ritual site.
The thick black candles were laid out around a circle drawn with chalk, and strange symbols painted with what Peter could only hope was actually paint. Very, very red paint. The same type of paint covering Loki's bare skin in twisting, overflowing sigils. With his eyes closed, and head upturned, he chanted quietly in a language of wind and shadows.
"Cookie?" you offered from the couch, where you laid sprawled. 
The bag was almost empty, but the cookies turned out to be great anyway. Peter sat at the very edge of the couch, observing the god and his ritual.
"Is that...normal?"
"Yeah, chill. We got a job from a dead man walking who told us to find a stolen alien artifact, so we're doing our very best," you yawned. "Meaning, he is working and I'm supporting him wholeheartedly."
"I'd have better support from the chicken I told you I needed," Loki murmured between breaths.
"Where the fuck was I supposed to find you a living chicken in the middle of New York?"
Peter took another cookie. "Does that mean you won't be able to find that thing?"
You waved your hand dismissively as Loki focused back on chanting. "It'll be fine, he's already done that once with perfect results and no chickens violated."
"What were you looking for?"
"The remote."
Peter nodded. Chewing on the last cookie, he fished his homework out of his backpack and laid it out on the table, next to a gun. He had a spider-patrol planned for the evening, but had to finish schoolwork first. With Ned sure to ramble about his newest set tomorrow, Peter had no chance of finishing it before the classes started in the morning.
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burnedbyshoto · 4 years
Text
aphrodite
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“Aphrodite is just a stage name, but the persona is still you. You might be a total dork, but the person you think you present has always been apart of you.”
— Or, in which Pro Hero Shouto falls in love with a dominatrix cam girl, only to find out that she’s quite a weirdo in real life. — 
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pairing: todoroki shouto x fem!reader
warnings: 18+, smut, fluff, stalking fan, cursing, unexperienced shouto, camgirl!reader, dom!reader, marking, blowjobs, praise kink
word count: 8,834
a/n: honestly, I did love this fic but mind is BUZZING at the thought of finally getting to write my todoroki family gangbang because I have that shit fucking outlined and I never outline anYTHING!!! but this was fun!!! i did a lot of extensive research into camming to only realize that if I wrote it realistically I wouldn’t be able to write this the way I intended... so camgirl is sorta really inaccurate and im sorry ;-;
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Being a Pro Hero was one of the most rewarding things Todoroki Shouto had ever done. With his day consumed with being in an element where he saved and protected people, there was nothing he could ever hope to improve. Well, as long as you only considered things in a job aspect.
As a Pro Hero, his job was his life.
Day in and day out, he was working. 
From the first chime of his alarm at six in the morning until he was crashing on his bed at eleven at night, he wasn’t just anyone, he was Shouto, the Pro Hero.
But Heroes were overworked, with the recent downfall of the League of Villains and the aftershocks that came from defeating a group that changed the world, there was a lot to do. He was twenty years old, two years free from Yuuei, and was a Pro Hero, not a sidekick.
After graduating from school, most individuals had assumed that he was going to work with his father as a sidekick for a few number of years, but that wasn’t right. Bakugou and Midoriya had created an agency together, so with them, the creators, Shouto made up one of the many founding members of this new agency. An agency that was constructed of only graduates of Yuuei,  it was strong, promising, and already one that had him and his friends well within the publics’ favorite heroes.
As goes any new Hero Agency, they had to prove themselves, after all, their alma mater was not enough to carry them through everything. Experience was valued higher than name-value after all. So Shouto, along with the thirty members of the agency, worked hard every day to swallow the fear of the reemerging Japan, fulfilling every and all tedious and significant need.
But for all his hard work, Shouto had been neglecting his own needs.
Two years of hard work for a man without a sexual relationship translated to two years without any sort of lover — romantic and sexual.
At first, it was easy to ignore. He made do with sloppy jerk offs in the shower, the warm water soaking into his skin while he came in loads against his fingers, but eventually, it grew tiresome, lonesome, and tedious. 
That is until something happened one day.
A single link had been sent his way by Kaminari, the blond man unknowingly sending this to Shouto and not the intended Sero. Shouto had just gotten home, his tired eyes looking at the highlighted hyperlink on his phone. Sighing, he had thrown it up on his laptop, wanting to figure out just what he was sending him of all people, he hoped maybe it was an article on his major rescue today. Kaminari was much better at tracking those articles than he was.
But what he got was not an article on his heroic deed today. No, there was no cold day in hell that this was a news article.
His eyes widened, the texts furiously coming in on his phone, apologizing for the mistake, but Shouto wasn’t paying attention. No, he was transfixed on the video before him and fire, unlike any heat he had ever known burned through his veins. Simmering heat rolling from his skin while he watched on, and just like that, Shouto found a way to feel anew.
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“Thanks for all your hard work!” Midoriya yelled after Shouto, who was three strides out the door once they traded places. 
It was Tuesday night, one of three nights that Shouto ever really looked forward to. For the past year, he had always made sure that he was never scheduled on these nights, and well, no one had objected, so he was still taking them. The travel back home was a five-minute commute via train, but always, as Shouto sat there, he felt as if the train was barely inching along.
But as soon as the train docked, there was no time to waste. Shouto was out of the crowded train and practically racing to his house. 
The door was slammed and locked behind him, and while practically stripping in his hallway — he didn’t need to care about a trail of clothes as he lived alone — he made it into his bedroom.
7:59, his clock read, and he cursed, moving even faster to set himself up.
Shouto couldn’t help but feel the burning embers of shame igniting in his chest, his heart rate soaring to the sky, when he clicked the join button. This was utterly shameful… twenty-one years old and he was in love… he was infatuated with someone he couldn’t have.
The screen darkened for the room he was looking into was dark, nothing but fuzzy pixels where you sat on the bed, legs crossed, and a sly grin on your face.
“Hi, love,” you coo. Shouto couldn’t make you out exactly right now, but on god, he already knows your lips were painted a deep red that always captivated him, your eyes insanely large with the thick and long strand of eyelashes you wore.
He wants to say good, he wants nothing more than to respond to your greeting, but he’s speechless. Besides, he knows you wouldn’t be able to hear him anyway.
“Now, now, don’t be shy,” you pout, standing up and nearing the camera, your strides were slow, smooth, terribly seductive and Shouto was taking you all in.
However, Shouto’s heart stops when your figure becomes more distinct. Red leather lingerie and toys strapped to the iconic utility belt you don. Even in the alluring lighting of your room, Shouto can see that your eyes are dark with amusement, glee, and lust. He groans lightly, the fabric of his boxer briefs tightening when you lean in close.
“I want to hear you cry my name…”
Shouto splutters at the whisper, feeling submerged into your show despite his brain telling him you didn’t know him. Regardless, his finger trails the trackpad and clicks the blue ‘donation’ button, the amount put at the full maximum the site would allow.
“Aw, thank you for the donation icy-hot,” you purr, your eyes fluttering on the camera, almost as if you were looking right at him. And Shouto delights at the sound of his username dripping like honey from your tongue. “I knew your slutty needy cock wouldn’t disappoint me. I wonder if you’re already touching yourself at the thought of me…” he watches your pretty red lips stretch from a pout into a Cheshire grin, and a pleasurable wave encases his body, his cock twitching against his restraint. “I hope you’re not, after all, I haven’t given you permission yet, have I?”
Shouto exhales shakily, the sultry confidence in your face, tone, and stature overwhelming him.
He watches your eyes fall to where he knows the chat is located on your screen, and the bell-like giggle swims in his mind while you amuse the many different viewers on this chat.
Aphrodite, that’s what you went by. 
The goddess of love, beauty, procreation, and pleasure.
With the way your eyes pierced the camera, legs spread open to reveal your cunt for your viewers, Shouto hissed in need for him to grab his cock, he knew better by now.
“Don’t you wish you were here so I could ride your small cocks instead of my fingers,” you sigh, and Shouto wets his lips, fingers that ached to give attention to his pulsing cock digging into his thighs. “If you want me to let you touch yourself,” you sigh, tossing your head back, your eyes glinted with power and coercion in this position. “Throw in a little donation for your goddess, whores~!”
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It pained Shouto to admit it, but he had a sincere and deep attraction for the girl behind Aphrodite. He didn’t need to check his bank account to know that outside of his daily things, the thing that he was freely spending money on was your shows. The more people donate, the more you would do, the more dominating, demeaning, and almost sadistic you would get. Most nights, like last night, Shouto would collapse on his bed. His cock a flush red from the aggressive fisting he had done, a desperate attempt to make himself pretend it was your tight and sopping cunt around his cock and not his heated hands. The room was always foggy, steam pouring from his skin because his control still went up to smoke whenever he watched you on the screen.
There was nothing more to say except that he would do everything in his power to make sure you were gaining enough money from these shows, and that his screen name would drip past your lips every show. Even if you would never do private shows, he would make sure you knew who he was.
But this wasn’t the time to think about you.
“Todoroki!” Bakugou yelled from a distance, and Shouto looked up to see Bakugou staring at him, his face set in annoyance. “Ponytail has a job for you.”
Shouto had just walked in through the door to the agency, but his lips pulled into a slight smile. His head nodding, “Okay.”
In the agency Momo, Iida, and Midoriya were the ones who were best suited at handing out missions and assignments. With Iida on temporary leave as he was on vacation with his family and Midoriya, who was on a week assignment with Bakugou, there was only Momo to hand intensive things out right now. 
Saying his good mornings to the people he passed, he eventually made it into the back room with the door closing behind him. He made eye contact immediately with Momo, who seemed to be jabbering with the client, but he knew her well enough to see that under the cheerful personality, there was something worried in her gaze.
“You wanted to see me?” Shouto asked the second he stepped in.
“Ah, yes, Todoroki-san!” Momo nodded her head, the smile on her face remaining keen on her face while she gestured to the person before her. “This is y/l/n y/n!”
Nodding, he looked down at the client and stiffened only slightly when you turned around.
Y/l/n… y/n… you were Aphrodite.
Shouto’s mouth went dry but also began salivating at an extremely high rate the second your lips pulled into a greeting smile. Was this real?
Would you be dominating in public? Your dominatrix bleeding into your personality outside of the screen? Would you rise to his eye level when you finally stood? He always imagined you would. Were you wearing something flirty, cute, or alluring underneath that jacket you had on your body? Your make up was done in the same matter as the shows, but the red lipstick he loved was substituted with a natural lip color, brightening the shimmer in your eyes. 
“It’s nice to meet you,” you greeted, and Shouto nodded dumbly, words failing him entirely at this moment.
Was that what he expected you to say as a greeting? Well, he guessed you saying something along the lines of ‘welcome you dirty fucking slut’ was a bit out of the picture considering they were in public and you didn’t know him. But still, a part of him craved to have heard that utter from your lips, because there would have been no stopping the way that he would have sank to his knees for you.
“Y/l/n-san is here with us because she’s been a victim of a past B&E’s,” Momo’s voice pierces through Shouto’s thoughts, and he breaks his stare on your — sweetly? — smiling face to look at his friend. “We also have reason to believe that such offenses are because she also has a stalker.”
“A stalker?” Shouto repeated Momo’s words.
“That is correct, and said stalker seems to be in possession of a strong quirk,” Momo nodded her head, her face still kind for you, but her eyes calculating and sharp. “I’m assigning you on her case for a few reasons, firstly because you are capable of handling the perpetrator, and two, you live a block from her apartment, so defending her will be accessible to you.”
Shouto’s stomach jumped at those words, all this time you had been a mere block away from him?! 
“Isn’t that a bit too much?” you laugh, rubbing the back of your neck. Shouto blinks, that was a move most people made when they weren’t confident… you were always confident. “I mean, yeah, I don’t want to be like… hurt by this man, but there’s no way he’d do anything bad, right?”
“Are you serious?” Shouto asked, his voice leaking with his evident discontent to your answer.
Momo, however, redirected your attention back to her by grabbing your hands in hers, “There’s a possibility that there’s nothing bad that he’ll do, but that’s not something we wish to risk.”
“I have pepper spray, a stun gun, and a strong uppercut; I think I can handle this,” you say, pulling your keys up, showcasing the arrange of weapons you carried casually around you. 
“The pepper spray looks like you haven’t used it in ages,” Shouto immediately pointed out. “You need to use it about once a month to ensure it works.”
“Wait, really?!”
Momo giggled, watching in the way that Shouto looked down at you with a raised eyebrow, and how you looked up at him with wide eyes. “I can understand that you believe that you’re confident in your ability to take care of yourself! We aren’t trying to imply that you couldn’t, but your cousin brought you here or a reason! It’s easier to let us do our job, to make sure that you don’t ever have to put into a trying situation.”
Your bottom lip juts out into a small pout, but ultimately you sighed, nodding. “Okay… how long would this take, do you think? It’s just that I can’t have Shouto by my side at every instance of the day.”
Momo’s eyebrows quirked into a questioning stare, and Shouto could feel his body temperature rising at those words.
“Oh? How come?”
You still, as if you hadn’t expected Momo to further question why you didn’t want to be watched at all hours of the day. Loudly you splutter, unable to come up with an excuse through your panicked and while Shouto watched and listened with crumbling hope that your dominatrix personality was something that you held in every aspect in life. Your cries that you were an up and coming YouTuber — which explained the stalker — and needed to film your muckbang videos in peace made Shouto realize that you were not some sexy, confident woman at every instance of the day. No, you were awkward, weird, and dorky, but it still did nothing to calm his hammering heart when you stood up at the end of the meeting, clad in something that had to be pulled from the Lisa Frank collection and you hurried out.
“If I analyzed all of her police reports correctly, the stalker should be back by next week, falling on either Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday night,” Momo informed Shouto, passing the case folder his way. “Take care of y/l/n-san, and be safe.”
Shouto nodded; that was something he didn’t need to be told twice, “Of course.”
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You were a camgirl.
For most of your life, you had been someone who was overlooked by most. Being quirkless in a world where having a quirk, even the most useless quirks, was needed to gain success in your peer’s eyes truly sucked. It hadn’t stopped you from being successful, of course, you had worked hard in every aspect of your life, but it kept you from attaining your dream job because having a quirk was essential for it — even though you didn’t need one.
So with a minimum wage job to cover the costs of living and your long journey to prove your worth to get your dream job, you were quick to realize that you needed more money.
And one day, after a long day at failing to find a second job, you were in bed, reading over fanfics to distract yourself from a failed day when a particular story caught your eye. 
A story about a camgirl, and then it hit you.
You could be a camgirl!
It took a month of planning, nights spent on creating a persona, a person for you to become when the camera went on. 
You would turn into Aphrodite.
With such a stage name, you knew that you had to become the goddess of love herself. Your personality was quirky and dorky in real life when you only had to be you, but Aphrodite was all leather, lacy, skimpy hotness. She was daunting, commanding, dominating. It was almost as if the second you turned on your Livestream, the goddess herself possessed your body, turning you into someone that you could only dream to be.
You performed three times a week, precisely at nine and end sometimes even at two in the morning. Within a matter of ten streams, you had exploded in viewers and donors. You had been making around five hundred thousand yen a month, that is until your most special viewer icy-hot had made his first appearance. 
Icy-hot was someone who seemed to have a deep interest in you, and even deeper pockets because he alone doubled the price of your average income from camming. You were obsessed with him.
There was also another reason why you were obsessed, and it might have a little bit to do with the tall man walking behind you, just far away to make you comfortable, but close enough to keep you from harm’s way. Oh yes, in a world of celebrity crushes, you were in love with Pro Hero Shouto. 
It was stupid really, but as a fifteen-year-old girl watching Yuuei students who were your age beating the shit out of each other left an imprint of his then fifteen-year-old abs in your brain and you were hooked. Your crush was always shallow, of course it was, you didn’t know him, but he still provided you with a sense of comfort. The fact that he had lived so close to you for so long sent embarrassing flames to your face, how would he ever react to knowing that you needed time away from him so that you could control people into fucking themselves online? Or about how your stalker was a possessive man who watched your streams?
You had been fine with just informing the police, but apparently, the man had been apprehended before and had his quirk registered. He was dangerous, and with you being quirkless and the cops being unable to use their own quirks, your cousin dragged you to the local hero agency, proclaimed you needed help, and left.
Little did you remember that this was the hero agency that a lot of recent Yuuei alumni were at, and of course, the one that Shouto worked at. Heroes latched at your side, worried for you while taking you to the back to talk to the Everything Hero: Creati. With the police files on her computer, the two of you discussed everything that was happening with ease and sharp detail, and then Ground Zero barged through the door, yelling about something Deku was doing.
Creati talked with him, both of them coming to some understanding and a simple line from her mouth, effectively ending your entire life.
“Will you call in Todoroki-san when he gets here?”
It wasn’t that you were dressed ugly or wrong, but you were definitely dressed up in bright colors because you were trying a Lisa Frank aesthetic before your cousin dragged you off. Tugging at the ends of your hair, you looked back at Shouto, who was silent, his eyes looking at you.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his buttery voice soothes down your spine, and you threw a large thump up in his direction with a nod.
“Never been better!” you lie. This was bad this was so very bad, you wanted to push him into an alleyway and run away, why must the world curse you into looking like you were related to booboo the fool on the day you finally crossed paths with Shouto. Not to mention should he find out about your career? Would he think you deserved everything coming your way?
“It’s okay to be not okay,” he spoke up, his head tilting to the side, trying to figure out where your thoughts are. “You know that, right? You’re going through a lot right now.”
You blow a raspberry, your ears burning when you look back in front of you, your head shaking. “I’m perfectly fine, I wasn’t even in immediate danger! Besides, I have you here now, don’t I?”
They were familiar words heroes heard every day, maybe not those words exactly but similar enough that they weren’t unusual. But still, to Shouto, those words curled warmly in his chest, vibrating deep within his sternum while he nodded.
“You do.”
“See!”
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To say the least, Shouto was genuinely shocked to figure out who you were as a person. 
The biggest thing he could put together about you, the most essential detail he saw was the fact that you were stupidly a dork. You had just about one hundred colorful mugs with weirdly dumb inspirational quotes on them. Whenever he showed up at your apartment in the morning — the nights you insisted he couldn’t sleep on your couch because of your recordings, which worked out because he would just go home and watch your stream with only the slightest guilty conscious.
You had a colorful arrange of sweaters and shirts, none of which were anything that he would have assumed initially you would wear, to begin with. Leggings and sweaters, joggers and tank tops, that seemed to be your style in the warming days of spring, and he was all for it.
With nothing more to do with this assignment, then stay close to you because the police where in charge of trying to find the man, the two of you grew close. Shouto often amused himself by asking you about the videos you were making for ‘YouTube,’ each time you came out with a poorly failed excuse of a lie for him, and every time you believed that he believed you.
It was a month into the assignment, and nothing had happened so far, nothing but late-night conversations and late-night cam sessions. Still, Shouto was a devoted watcher, and with each passing day, his ears no longer blushed scarlet at the sight of you the following mornings. 
The two of you were proper fans, and the crushes you had for each other still held true, only now reenforced with the appropriate images of each other.
“You have to go now!” you complain, trying to shove the much larger man out of your apartment’s front door. It was Thursday evening, and with only an hour until you were to stream — an accident on both of your parts because you had been distracted with watching an anime with him — you needed to get ready quickly. “Shouto, oh my god, I swear if you don’t leave, I’m going to pepper spray you!”
Shouto was pretending to be lost in thought, his body stable and unshifting while you attempted your hardest to get him to move. “I don’t remember you ever cleaning your pepper spray… it’ll end up hurting you more than me in the end anyway.”
“You don’t know that!” you grunt, your hands pressing against his spine, your feet slipping against the wood while you push with all your strength. “Even if it hits me, it’ll hit you too!”
“I’ve been pepper-sprayed before, apart of hero training, I can handle it, y/n,” Shouto points, and he finally takes a step forward, your body stumbling into his side where he graciously steadied you. There’s a silence between the two of you when he realizes just how he caught you, and you feel the temperature fluctuate around you when he pushes you to your feet, throwing on his shoes and leaving with a stiff wave.
“See you t-tomorrow!” he rushes out, leaving you with a burning face in your doorway. 
But as you closed the door, rushing yourself to get ready for tonight, you didn’t get to see the way that Shouto stopped at the staircase, his eyebrows scrunching when an uneasy feeling filled his gut. Could it be that the perp was finally going to make their move tonight?
In thirty minutes you had managed to get your makeup done, the sharp black eyeliner paired with large full eyelashes, your skin perfect from foundation and contour, and of course, the painted red lip. With only ten minutes to spare, you threw your camera set together, connecting it at eight minutes to spare. You sweat in nerves while you hastily threw on your lingerie. Black lacy panties that sculpted your ass, and a bra that left your breasts looking delectable. Then the leather garter belt hung around your waist, attaching to your thigh high stockings with a cute red bow. 
With the countdown on the screen, you flopped on the bed, cameras rolling as soon as your clock read 9:00.
“Hi, love,” you began as you usually do, confidence flooding your person while you sat up from your mattress, your hands smoothly gliding against the soft fabric of the comforter. 
Your show went as it normally did, harmless flirting with your viewers who craved more, thanking donator after donator, your smile growing into a smirk with each passing minute. You noticed that icy-hot was on, his avatar always pinned to your screen when he joined, but he was silent. Not a single donation.
Normally this would scare you, drilling ice-cold anxiety through your veins, but you weren’t you right now; you were Aphrodite. 
“Icy-hot,” you drawled, your voice husky and low, a subtle show to your dominance while you leaned forward, your cleavage only accentuating between your pressing arms. “What are you doing?”
But before you could continue on, before you could utter more phrases to get some sort of response from your favorite viewer, there was a rustle in your apartment. You froze immediately, was Shouto in your place? No, that couldn’t make sense.
Then in an almost slow-motion horror, you watched your bedroom door slam open, and a man you didn’t recognize appeared before you. His transfixed on you as if you were a true goddess, his muscles taut, lips perked into a lusting smirk.
“I finally found you, Aphrodite,” he whispered like a prayer, his feet taking several fast strides in your direction, and as the chat exploded in their confusion, your jaw dropped in an ear-splitting scream.
>> ‘Is this for real?’
>> ‘Is aphrodite finally fucking a man for us? I’m jealous it’s not me!’
>> ‘Holy shit, I think this is real?!’
The facade of Aphrodite was gone on you, no longer possessing you, but instead the meek and weird you. There was no stopping his conquering pace when his hand outstretched for you until he was frozen in place.
“Shouto?!” you squeak, looking to see your hero standing at the door, his cheeks flushed from most likely rushing over, his eyes deadly and severe. His eyes glanced you over, and embarrassment shrouded you when he eyed over your lingerie, but he said nothing of your state of appearance thankfully.
“Go into your bathroom, and don’t come out until I tell you it’s over,” Shouto commanded, and breathlessly you nodded, stumbling over into the bathroom as the perpetrator broke free from the ice. One lustful eye turning sinister and dark, and with an animalistic bellow, he charged Shouto when you closed the door.
You weren’t sure how long you lasted in the bathroom; the only thing you knew is that for ten seconds, it was loud with the clear sounds of battle before quieting. There had been no crash, nothing to tell you that the action had been taken elsewhere, only that you had heard the familiar sound of Shoutos singing ice and then silence. You pulled on your fluffy white bathrobe that hung by the door on your bathroom, your pacing unstoppable in your inability to calm down.
Was Shouto alright? They didn’t both die out there, right? No, Shouto was more durable than that, you reasoned, your hands aching with your nerves.
The pulsing beat of your heart sat heavy in your throat, your fingers trembling with shot nerves and fearful thoughts until a soft knock on your door alerted you that someone was there.
“H-Hello?” you stammer, unable to keep yourself from speaking.
“It’s me,” you hear Shouto’s voice tiredly stated, and without so much as wondering if it really was him, you threw open the door.
Shouto stood there, a bruise on his jaw, a visible injury he had sustained from this fight. 
There was no stopping you throwing yourself into his arms, your own arms throwing around his neck in your dopamine surge. He had saved you, he had finished this.
“Sorry that took so long,” Shouto murmured into your ear, his head burying into the crook of your neck, sending intensive static down your spine. “Bastard took us seven blocks away; apparently, he has a pretty shitty teleportation quirk.”
“That’s okay, I’m just glad you’re okay,” you sigh, not wanting to let go of him anytime soon. “Was it just the bruise?”
“Mhm,” Shouto informs you, his fingers running against the thick fluffiness of the robe. “Quirk side effect is that it makes you stupidly dizzy after using it, and that includes everyone he takes with him. So I nearly was throwing up when he landed one on me. The police will take you in for questioning tomorrow morning if that’s alright? I figured it was too late, and you went through too much to be questioned tonight.”
“That’s perfect,” you agree, not at all caring when the interview would be, just as long as he was with you. 
Shouto eventually pulled away, his hands remaining on your waist while his eyes looked at you warmly, “Okay, well let’s get you on your bed, I want to make sure you’re okay.”
You nodded dumbly, following after Shouto when he guided you back into the room that was liberated from his ice but had obviously been fought in on account of your fallen books. You sighed when you sat up on your bed watching Shouto stand in front of you, observing you in your fluffy white robe.
“Shouto?” you asked while Shouto observed your face in the better lighting of your room, his finger soothing tear streaks you had long ago cried while he made sure you were okay.
“Mm?”
“How did you get here so quickly?”
“I thought something was going to happen tonight. I had this feeling when I was leaving and decided to stay until it happened.”
“Yeah, but it’s not like I had screamed until after he was in my room,” you accuse, your eyes narrowing. 
Honestly, you had no idea how he knew… unless…
“I’m icy-hot,” Shouto states simply, but you couldn’t ignore the way that your body literally rejected this claim, how it sizzled to life because he knew what you did on these nights, and how you sparked at the thought of how he’d been supporting you for a year.
“You’re — ?”
“Yeah,” Shouto smiled, pulling away from you with a soft sigh, his arms folding across his chest. “A friend of mine accidentally sent me a link to your cam sessions when you first started, and I was hooked.”
“You’re telling me all this time, you knew?!”
Shouto nodded, unsure as to what you weren’t quite understanding.
“Why didn’t you say anything?!” your voice raised dangerously, your spine shot straight while your world both crashed and built around you.
“I didn’t think it was appropriate to tell my client that I watched her strip and fuck herself on my leisure time,” Shouto sighs, his eyebrow-raising in amusement.
“You’re a dick!” you exclaim, but your words were one of wonder, your eyes brightening in this new knowledge. “I can’t believe you, honestly!”
“Well then, I guess I can tell you a string of truths, and you can do nothing about it,” he challenges, his face nearing yours, dangerously close. His warm and mint breath fanning across your face. “I have feelings for you — deep and honest feelings for you, I think this piece you’re wearing under the rob is by far one of the best pieces you’ve ever worn, and I’m hard right now.”
“You know that Aphrodite is a facade,” you disclosed, your eyelids feeling like weights while you stared up at him, unmoving, unchallenging.
“I don’t think it is,” Shouto challenged his hands, tugging at the fabric that held your robe closed. “Aphrodite is just a stage name, but the persona is still you. You might be a total dork, but the person you think you present has always been apart of you.”
Your tongue is dry, but still, you wet your lips, confidence, and fear meeting in the middle of your chest in an all-out war to see which would win. It was to no one’s surprise that you wanted Shouto, but for it to be reciprocated was a bit beyond you, and finally, you inhaled a bit sharply through your nose, “If you want me to fuck you, you better ask properly. Like a good boy.”
His eyes glint in an unreserved way that sends fire through your spine and a heat flashing in your core. It had been a while since you’ve fucked anyone, and here was Shouto implying that you fuck him. He also seemed to want to be dommed, and if there was something you weren’t expecting from him, was that.
Shouto licks his lips, his hands moving from your waist and pressing onto the mattress so that he’s forcing you to lean backward, trapped in his hold. 
“I want you to fuck me,” he breathes, and in a similar exhilarating thrill of Aphrodite possessing you before a show, that electrifying courage courses through your veins and grabbing onto the thick fabric of his costume and bring him into a simmering kiss.
Your fingers wound in his hair, the intensive heat and passion exchanging between your lips were insane. It was mind-boggling as it was breathtaking. Your head tilted, and you pressed in more, feeling the weight of the bed dipping as Shouto climbed onto the bed with you. Shouto was bigger than you, in just about every way of the word, but still, with your stocking covered leg, you wound it around his waist and spun in your place.
Straddling his torso, you pressed incessant kisses to his mouth, his desperate return sending confidence to your head, a warm pulse in your body. 
“I wouldn’t have pegged you as a bottom,” you murmur against Shouto’s throat, your hands pressing flat against his chest, moving to unravel the restraints holding it together. You get the top of his jumpsuit undone, watching has his pale and toned chest slowly peeking through the growing opening. Your fingers move against the plains of his abs, nails moving against his hardened nipples while you sigh against his throat. “Such a good boy.”
Shouto heaves, his breathing uneven, unsteady, and unsure. For someone so confident thirty seconds earlier, he seemed to be crashing from that stream of confidence quickly, almost dangerously. Skirting around this knowledge, you removed your robe, discarding it onto the dirty floor with a content smirk. 
“I, um,” Shouto swallowed hard, his eyes fluttering at the sight of the lacy black undergarments and, for the first time, genuinely getting to appreciate them in real life. His fingers grab onto your waist, his hot as fire hands tracing your smooth skin, tracing against the hem of your panties until he got to the cleavage of your ass, stopping where your body met his. “I’ve never done this.”
“That’s alright,” you say, hands pushing the blue fabric of his costume off his shoulder, making quick work of it, and finally, your get to press your hands against his broad and naked shoulders. Your lips move unhurriedly against his neck, moving down until you reach his collarbone, taking a long swipe of your tongue against the protruding bone.
“Fuuck.”
The words that had meant to come from Shouto’s lips drifted towards the ceiling, no longer viable with the way that he folded against your touch. With your lips back against his chin, your right hand stretched behind you and pressed firmly against Shouto’s hard buldge palming against the clothed erection. His eyes close immediately, the touch of another on his growing cock was foreign to him, but it was igniting something within him while you continued your ministrations. A strangled moan vibrating at the back of his throat, his hips rising to buck and grind against your cupping hand, only hindered by your teasing retreats and bell-like giggles.
“So desperate already, baby?” you whisper against his ear, your mouth coming back to his, meeting his trembling lips into a passionate kiss. When you pull away, he makes a noise similar to an animal in heat but is quickly silenced by your teeth biting gently against his lower lip. “Let’s get you out of this uniform.”
Shouto helps you make little work of removing his costume, the dark navy blue material joining your robe on the floor, and you straddle him one again. Only this time, it’s your cunt rolling against his clothed cock. 
“Do you want me to suck you off?” you ask, your lips pressing painted marks against his chest. The red of your lips shining like rubies against his pale skin, but it does nothing but stirs you on. It wasn’t a mark like a bite, but it was an acknowledgment that as of now, for this very moment, he was yours. The red lip print proof of this bond. “Do you want my mouth around your pretty cock?”
Shouto shudders at your words, his hips involuntarily bucking at your ask, and he nods his head. His cheeks dusted red, and his heart hammering in his throat, “Y-Yes, please suck me off.”
“Aww,” you coo, your fingers hooking around the waistband of his underwear, your cunt grinding against him. “You said, please!”
The underwear joins the rest of Shouto’s outfit on the floor, and you stare at Shouto’s cock in its full glory. The long thick length bouncing against his stomach, precum dripping slowly from its tip. The knowledge that he was already leaking from your gentlest attempts of domination sent power through you once again, and you smirked leaning down so that you were level with his cock.
“Such a pretty cock,” you sigh, wrapping your hand against his length, your mouth watering at the fact that you couldn’t encompass it in your hand. “So beautiful… now, I want you to stare at me the entire time I’m doing this icy-hot. I’m putting on a private show for you, and I expect my favorite viewer to watch the entire time.”
There was no need to wait because Shouto was ready for your mouth, and with one final roll of his pink head with your fingers, you began.
You brought your mouth to Shouto’s cock and licked a clean line from balls to crown, the back of your tongue swirling around the head.
Shouto’s moan was nothing short of pornographic, and near animalistic in the way that it sent shivers down your back. Most definitely caught in the feel of things, Shouto arched his ass from the bed to thrust right into your waiting mouth. With the confidence of who you tried to be as Aphrodite, you decided to be the best at what you were doing for Shouto, hopeful this would be something he would ever forget. Adjusting to his lifted hips, you gripped and pumped the lower half of Shouto’s cock while slathering and sucking attention at what you could fit into your mouth – he was a lot bigger than the dildos you used for your show.
Your mouth was heated sin to Shouto, unafraid to choke a little, gagging ever so often to send incredulous vibrations through his sensitive sex. You were also a bit sloppy, saliva and drool leaking with his precum down his length, dribbling from the corner of your mouth while he pressed further into you. You then pulled from his length, oxygen burning your lungs to take each of Shouto’s balls into your mouth and delicately roll them with your tongue as your fist capriciously switched between fast and slow over his throbbing cock.
Mouth hanging wide and silent, Shouto stared intensely at your slowly blinking form. You nuzzled your nose against the trimmed fuzz at the base of his hot dick, your lips creating a wet pop noise against his balls. The soft touches of your nose against the vein on his cock ignited a broken and almost needy rasp against Shouto’s chest. And when a thumb, wet with your spit and his precum, trailed a line down the backside of his cock, Shouto’s heavy tongue caught up.
“That feels so good!” Shouto moaned, his voice gruff and near unrecognizable by its tenor. “More, y/n, please, more.”
And who were you if you didn’t comply? 
You groaned at the lewd position you were in, his intense duel eyes focused on every move you made while his cock twitches in front of you, your tongue flicking out of your mouth licking the bead of pre-cum on his tip making your cunt throb in anticipation. 
“Look at you, so needy, so innocent,” you giggle, using the hands that had been sensually traveling up and down his cock to angle it better for your await mouth. Brushing his head against your tongue, his pre-cum gathered on the slick surface, you delighted when his stomach contorted with his tightened breathing. You wouldn’t close your mouth to taste him, so saliva dribbling down your tongue against his length. Your hands rubbed it against his cock, using it as natural lubrication as you continue, “desperate for my mouth, aren’t you?”
Shouto tried to nod his head, which made you giggle, grinning down at him as you once more push his cock inside your heated cavern. Pulling it out slowly when you notice that his eyelids close for a little longer than a soft moan. 
“Keep your hands on me, icy-hot,” you coax, tangling his fingers onto your scalp. Keeping your left hand against the back of his thigh to land a slap against his skin to keep him focused. It was something that he found to be shocking, but the hair tugging that followed the surprising hit sent a proper shiver down your spine. You pushed his cock forward again, pushing inside you deeper this time, so his length hit further than the back of your throat. 
The motion once more sending Shouto to some other dimension as he hissed your name. The tightness of your throat, the muscle contracting against his thick cock, and the cold drool the dribbled from your lips sent his mind spinning. He only wanted more, and he craved more. With ragged breathing and the sight of his contracting stomach, his hips began to thrust into your mouth, pressing his cock further into your throat. Each desperate thrust had him hitting the back of your throat, drool slipping out of your mouth as you tried to breathe through your nose, groaning against his length, sending vibrations along Shouto’s cock. 
Your eyes began to water at the slightly suffocating sensation. Still, you were excellent despite the tears slipped down your cheeks, his hips thrusting into you roughly, the sign of an inexperienced man. Moving your hands to his upper thighs, you tried to slow his forceful thrusts, trying to allocate for time to adjust to his size in your throat. Instead, Shouto’s thrusting hips only stammered more, the sinful noises in your throat, sending only better feeling through his body. His eyes can read your eyes that told him this was okay.
“Fuck, you’re so good,” Shouto babbles, his hands clutching your hair, fingers digging into your scalp using it as leverage to move you against his length. “I never thought, shit, I never thought it would feel like this, yes, yes do that!”
Your moans vibrated around his length as you let the larger man manipulate your wet cavern. Your tongue now rolling along his length, tracing the sensitive protruding veins on his cock, and with the speed in which he was thrusting into your mouth, it only heightened the desperate noises pouring from his mouth. So much so that he almost stopped shifting his powerful hips all together.
You felt Shouto’s thrusts stagger as he came closer to his release, his hips speeding up, your head bobbing with his final desperation as he gave a final hard push into your mouth. His tip hitting the far back in your throat, and he came inside you with a snarl. His hands held your head down on his length as you grunted, trying to take in all fast release in one swallow, but some spilled out of your mouth. His hot sticky seed dribbling down your chin. 
When you moved pulled to remove his length from your mouth, you immediately closed your mouth, tongue lapping at the cum that escaped your lips. 
Crawling back up to Shouto’s face, you gave a tight-lipped smile when his clammy hands rested against your waist, and with fluttering eyes, you connected your lips again. The minority of his cum still sits in your mouth and is pushed into his mouth with your tongue.
You sat up, your lips still connected to his with a string of entangled saliva and cum, his hands coming around to cup your ass, and with the sexiness, only one could achieve through countless times of stripping, you were finally free from your own lingerie.
“What’re you—”
A gust of air ricocheted from Shout’s lungs as his back slammed into the mattress once again, your hands planted against his shoulders, your head cocked to the side with a mischievous smirk. Shouto doesn’t know how to react, for someone who couldn’t shove him out of the doorway was suddenly handling him just fine in bed. But the thought of that stirred his cock back to life, something you noticed the second it rested against your ass. Shouto groaned in embarrassment, but it didn’t matter to you, who arched down to nuzzle his nose. Then you were licking searing stripes along his neck, teeth nibbling and pulling at his ear, digging at the joint of throat and shoulder, Shouto’s tilted chin and swollen wet lips.
Knees dug into the sides of Shouto’s chest, your nails cutting crescents into the slick shining mountains of his shoulders, Shouto hands grasped onto your naked form for dear life, coercing the storm of your shared desire. The impatient and growing unignorable weight of Shouto’s cock slotted between your slick and sopping cunt. Sloppy wet with your untouched arousal, a ticking timebomb of pleasure each time you thrust back against his rehardened cock.
“Y/n, please—” Shouto choked on his words, a lusting cry when he cracked his head back against the soft mattress at the moment you carted his hot cock against your dripping, aching cunt with one firm and delicate palm and your other pressing your weight against his chest. “Oh shit, yes, fuck – yes, more. Please, put it in, y/n. I want, shit, I want you to fuck me properly, y/n—”
“So fuckin’ needy,” your breathlessly giddy reply came, your words soaked the ear and filled Shouto’s head completely. Tightening his grip on your waist to accommodate a stronger hold on you in a desperate thought to sane himself, you began a more frantic rhythm of work-roughened humping. “Is this how you responded back to me when I stream? Do you listen to my instructions the entire time, Shou-to?”
The squelch and wet noises of your hips dragging staccato against Shouto’s throbbing skin was maddening, dumbing him down to strangled huffs and squeaks against your swollen lips. The pulse against Shouto’s own lips raged, a frantic desire for him that both weakened and empowered him to the bone.
Shouto’s finger dug into your skin, leaving imprinted bruises where he touched, his hips slamming up into yours. Wanting more, craving more, and with nothing more to hold from him, you complied and with a wet noise, sunk all the way down against him.
“Shit, shit, wait,” Shouto hoarsely whispered, his nails ripping moons into your skin while he panted against your skin. “You’re too tight, Imma cum, fuck, wait…”
You laughed against his mouth, but you didn’t move, allowing him the time to adjust his brow slick with sweat, eyes closed in concentration. Regardless, your walls fluttered around him while you adjusted, and he shivered with every involuntary move. “You good?” you murmur against his mouth, tongue lapping at his pressed white lips.
He nods once, and you grin, taking that as means to push as far up as you could, and with your entire weight and clench of your muscles, sunk back down against him.
A savage snarl ripped from Shouto’s throat, more animal than man as he tore at your lips, his mouth open with a hot tongue and teeth that tugged at your lips. You had no choice but to open up, letting his tongue meet yours while you felt his cock throbbing against your clenching walls. You met him in full innocent need, your kisses were uncoordinated attack from all angles, his hand working their way to your ass, once again gripping and pulling that the soft and warm flesh.
Your hips rolled against his, lifting up and falling with growing forces, 
The small of Shouto’s waist burned raw from how it kept curling into the mattress, his shoulders singing with sharp pain from your fingernails. Your breaths puff against Shouto’s lips as if you had never taken a single deep breath in your life like you’d flung yourself into the open flames just to fuck Shouto. The fill of his cock, the maddening way that his cock filled you out, it made your head spin and your knees tremble. With each twitch of his cock, his protruding veins pushing against your spongey walls, increasing the sensation, sending fire to your curling toes. Your weight pushing heavy on Shouto now, sandwiching him hard against the gentle mattress when he couldn’t meet you in an upwards thrust, too lost in the sensation of your smoldering cunt around his cock. 
Shouto’s thighs and stomach quivered in your conquest, his words an unclear babble in his prayer to you. The air was filled with the scent of sex, sweat, cum, and something else. Something you couldn’t put your tongue on, but it stirred you on more with the wet slapping noises of your meeting hips.
It was too much, too much, yet nowhere near enough.
“Y/n, I’m gonna—” Shouto searched for his words a short raspy cry, his cock swelling up and pulsing in your clenching walls, his fingers clenching around the nape of your neck. Bringing you in for another hot kiss. “Gonna—”
“Cum for me,” was the only thing you rasped in his mouth, your lips a deceivingly soft push against Shouto’s bruised lips.
Shouto shot off inside of you like an exploding fire, his eyes squeezed shut so tightly he could only see white and feel you. His grip tightened around your body, pressing you slick against him. But the increased angle is what sends you over the edge, your eyes rolling when your body tenses, pleasure, and relief swallowing you whole when your orgasm overcomes you.
“Shouto,” you mewl in a cracked croak of a voice, your face buried in Shouto’s shoulder as he feels your walls spasm against his cock in almost insane ways. 
“That… shit,” he breathes, unable to think.
“Yeah, same,” you mumble, moving to press a kiss onto his lips.
His body rolls off warmth from his skin, and together, the two of you fall asleep on the bed, entangled in sweat and cum and only elation in your blood.
bonus!
“TODOROKI-KUN!” Iida’s voice pierces through his phone when Shouto wakes up the next morning.
“Iida,” he greets, watching while you brush your teeth, studying the various marks on your body from the night before.
“WHY DID YOU RELEASE A SEX TAPE?!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Iida?”
“CHECK THE NEWS RIGHT AWAY!”
BREAKING NEWS: PRO HERO SHOUTO CAUGHT IN BED WITH CAMGIRL UNDER THE NAME APHRODITE
It was then that the two of you realized you had never turned off your session.
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hellotherekenobi · 4 years
Text
─── a letter to you.
summary: the one thing you’re good at, aside from being a jedi, is writing. in fact, it helps you say the things that you can never say aloud; like how you’re in love with obi-wan kenobi. the one thing you’re bad at, though, is keeping your writing hidden, and one letter gets found.
requested by: @iamfrulcrum
ONESHOT. ⟶ 2,521 WORDS.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
It was one of those things. Something you do to help quiet the voices in your head, to collect your thoughts into one big bundle instead of scattered scribbles on the pages of your mind. It was calming. It was your way of coping. It was writing.
When everything became too much, you knew the one thing that would always help is to write things down. With a pen or a pencil in your hand, the world goes quiet. It was also a way to express your secrets without ever really telling anybody— secrets you kept for the very reason that if anyone found out, you would be in deep waters. Why? Because you’re in love with a Jedi. And you have no idea what to do about it.
You’ve been friends with Obi-Wan ever since you were knighted a Jedi alongside him, and although you two were on less and less missions together as the years passed, your feelings for him never faulted. Whenever he greeted you with a toothy smile or ran a hand through his hair or looked at you with those dazzling blue eyes, you felt every sort of butterfly erupt in your stomach; completely head-over-heels for a man who could never love you back, or love at all for that matter.
So, writing was the best option for you. It was that or harboring your entire existence around him, which was almost becoming the norm for you with how much you think about him. But no more. To get the thoughts out of your head, you know you need to put them to paper. Then you can scrunch it up into a little ball and burn it and hope for the best.
However, the hopeful moment was split in two when a finger tapped your shoulder and you flinched; turning around in your chair quickly to see those beautiful, sparkling cerulean eyes that you were all too familiar with— the very pair that made you melt down into a puddle, feeling all gooey inside— so you can’t help but instantly relax at noticing that it’s him and smiling like, what you are sure looks to be, a complete and utter goofball.
“Hi, darling,” he smiles, a soft chuckle flowing past his lips as he settles himself into the chair beside you— and you feel as if your smile has grown even wider with just those two words and the very way he said them— “do you mind if I sit here for a while? I’m on the run at the moment.”
“On the run?” You laugh and he leans in close to shush you.
“Yes, from Madame Kandria. I’ve become her errand boy for the day and I have had it. I need a break.”
You nod at him, placing your chin in your palm, “Hmm, very good choice then here, the library.”
“It was the most obvious choice, yes—” he nudges your arm— “besides, when I saw you sitting here all by yourself, I had to join you.” He smiles brightly, as if he should be receiving a golden sticker on his robes for such a charming compliment, “What are you writing?”
“Just thoughts,” you offer, sliding him a piece of paper you had been scribbling at for the past few minutes, fortunately nothing about him... yet.
He takes the paper with gentleness; using one finger to spin it to face himself and taking his time to read each word with the utmost attentiveness— you almost scoff at how he looks, all he needs is a pair of reading glasses and the picture would be set; something adorable to frame inside your mind, as opposed to all the other moments you’ve captured that now reside where you can always look at them. After a moment, Obi-Wan hums and flashes you another, but quick, dazzling smile.
“You have a way with words,” he says and you drag the paper back to you, rolling your eyes and shaking your head as if it were a twitch, but Obi-Wan is quick to reach for the paper; placing his hand on top of yours, “I mean it!”
“Thank you.” You nod at him, focusing much more on the feeling of his soft but calloused hand rather than his sincere words.
“When are you going to write me something?” He asks suddenly, and you’re looking at him with such genuine surprise that he chuckles, “I’m asking.”
“You’re asking?”
He makes such an adorable sound when he nods at you that you almost cave and tell him well, I have written about you before, plenty of times, so take your pick! but just as his tap on the shoulder to you interrupted your thoughts before, so does the shout of his name from the doorway does now; Obi-Wan springing up, his hand squeezing yours, and stammering out a, “M-Madame Kandria!”
She looks furious, the poor woman; standing with her back so straight that she might as well have been a statue, the lines under her eyes showing more than just age but stress too, “I’ve been calling for you.”
“My apologies, I was helping my frien—”
“Come with me.”
She doesn’t say another word, just simply spins on her heel and walks right back out of the door. Obi-Wan turns around to you with a mocking yet tired smile on his face and you’re about to burst into laughter right then and there with how much annoyance you can feel seeping from him, until he leans over to press a kiss to your forehead, his hand that was on yours now at the back of your head to move you toward him gently, and then he’s dashing out of the room to follow Kandria before she can shout at him again.
And you sit there. And you blink. And you write.
─────── ⋯ ───────
Obi-Wan rarely sees you that week, with him at Madame Kandria’s beck-and-call and you with your duties around the temple, that whenever you two do happen to see each other, it’s when you’re leaving the library and he’s entering it. He keeps trying, however, to time those quick encounters better so that he can actually talk to you but it turns out that when he tries, he ends up missing you altogether. Like now, with him finding the only evidence that you were even in the library to begin with being the papers scattered on one of the desks.
It brings a soft smile to his face, though, to see all the mess you’ve left behind— you have always been a bit of a scattered bookworm and besides, this gives him the best excuse to find you and return these as if he hasn’t been chasing you around the Jedi Temple for days. As he goes to collect them all, he can’t help but skim his eyes down the pages and read what he can, because he doesn’t want to pry, really he doesn’t, but he has always hoped that you would write about him one of these days, even if it were to make fun of him or—
Soft, cerulean eyes and auburn hair. He’s beautiful without realizing it.
Was that... his eyes that you had written about? His hair? Do you think that he’s... beautiful? Now he can’t help the jolt of curiosity that suddenly rushes through him, and he sits down on the chair to properly read what’s on the page.
Write about me, he says. As if I haven’t done so a hundred times before. A letter to you, then. I’m consumed by you. You touch my hand and I light up. You kiss my forehead and I melt. I doubt you even know how I feel about you. Sometimes I think that you may feel the same. I wish you had kissed me on the lips instead.
Obi-Wan’s whole world has been turned upside down. The words he’s read are swirling around in his head, spinning faster and faster like a tide-pool, until he feels as if he’s going to topple over. All these years... all this time when he thought he was chasing daydreams, and you’ve felt the same way. Why couldn’t you be here? Why can’t you be next to him so that he can pull you to him and kiss you like you had wished that he would? How could he even tell you that he’s loved you ever since you were young? If only he had an outlet like you, where he could express himself and confess to his feelings— wait.
He looks down at the paper, and he looks at all the others, and he finds one that’s barely been written on. And he grabs the pencil you had left on the table. And he writes.
─────── ⋯ ───────
You turn around the corner with a smile on your face, looking as positively cheerful as you can muster, before noticing that the desk is empty and you’ve missed Obi-Wan in the library again, and the smile wipes itself off of your face almost about as fast as Obi-Wan had ran out of the library at the start of the week. It was becoming increasingly tiresome to constantly miss Obi-Wan by a couple of minutes or only see him down the hallway when you’re heading in the opposite direction. You just wanted to talk to him. Aside from writing, he was the only other thing— the only other person— that helped you relax. And the very fact that the last exchange between the two of you was him kissing your forehead is about driving you mad. That spot has been burning ever since and you’ve found yourself swiping your fingers along it without prompt on more than one occasion.
You need to write. You need to get these thoughts out of you before you bubble over, or boil over for that matter (it does seem the most appropriate with everything that’s been going on.) With you is your stack of papers, all crumpled up between each other; the ones that were left by your door by who you’re sure was Obi-Wan. You hadn’t meant to leave a mess behind you in the library that day but you were in a hurry, and you’re thankful that no one else found them... like Master Mace Windu. You shiver just at the thought of him reading anything of yours. What if he read something private? Like the one time you wrote in agonizing detail the embarrassing encounter you had with the Gungans who had been invited to one Senate meeting and you had... no, that’s better left unsaid.
Flicking through your papers, you look for a spare one that you can write on, but you don’t seem to find any empty space, which is odd seeing as you always make sure you have at least one blank piece of paper with you. There’s your diary entry of sorts about yesterday, the messy notes you took in the meeting which was only supposed to be quick but it went on for much longer than that, the dream you had, the note you had written about Obi-Wan— maker, what if he had seen that?— and the paper about someone’s eyes. Wait. You don’t remember writing that. Wait. That isn’t your handwriting.
The most beautiful eyes I’ve ever gazed into. You’re beautiful in everything you do and you don’t seem to realize it.
You re-read those words as if your life depends on them. One more time. Two more times. It sounds just like what you wrote about Obi-Wan the other day, and you quickly flick through to compare the two letters. It’s as if someone has replied to what you wrote. And when this thought registers in your mind, you read the rest of it.
I’ve never been too good at words like you are, as much as you may think that I am. Instead I will list all the ways that I love you. In the way I touch your hand, in the way I kiss your forehead, in the way I smile when we talk. I love you in every way that I can. I wish I had kissed your lips as well.
It’s as if someone just drove their hand deep into your chest and gave your heart a handshake. There’s no feeling in your fingertips for a moment as you sit there and hold the letter, glance at the words, and fight the urge to scream— because if what you read wasn’t any indication on who wrote this, then it was the scribbled ‘sincerely, the errand boy’ on the bottom of the page that gave it away. It was Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan wrote you this letter. Obi-Wan read the letter you had written him. And Obi-Wan told you that he loves you.
Now you really do bubble over (and, yes, this is the most appropriate with the excitement you feel) at the thought of Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Jedi knight, the boy, you had fallen in love with all those years ago who loves you back. It seems too good to be true, as if you’re going to smile so wide that you’ll wake yourself up from this dream and go back to only ever being able to love him in words. But the weight of everything sinks in when you flip the page over and read ‘I’m in the training room’, and you leap out of the chair like you’ve never moved so fast before— taking care to not leave anything behind this time— and practically run to the training room. He needn’t have to tell you which one; you can feel him as you get closer— he’s nervous.
When you step through the doorway, Obi-Wan is sitting at the other end of the room and he stands almost as fast as you had done only minutes before in the library. There’s a moment where neither of you two move, where the air goes quiet and you can only hear the hammering of your heart, and then in a soft, whispered press of the Force to your mind you hear him speak, ‘you’re here’ and you nod at him, a smile forming at the corner of your mouth, and speak aloud, “I’m here.”
He takes the first step toward you, then you take one, then he takes two more, and so you two play this game of who will reach the other first. As you near him, you can see the way he fiddles with his hands. Chuckling, you reach out to him, your hand gently brushing along the top of his until you can feel him relax under your touch, and you both have stepped so close that you’re breathing the same air together, and he takes one more tentative step to gently rest his forehead on yours. You close your eyes and you breathe this moment in; you let yourself remember what this smells like, you let yourself cherish the quiet that you spend with him like this.
And then ever so quietly, with the sweetest tone of his voice, he speaks, “Can I kiss you this time?”
tags: @thedevilwearsbeskar @goldenkenobi @aemorr-5885 @katsav17 @badedum-badaboom @solaena @lexylovesfandoms
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xfandomwritingsx · 4 years
Text
Hold Your Breath - Chapter One: A Blank Page - Draco Malfoy
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Description: After decisions put you on opposite side of the war, returning to Hogwarts to finish your education proves to be challenging. Maybe closure isn’t the only thing you need from Draco.
Warnings/Labels: Angst. Hints of depression. Unhappy reunions.
Approx. Word Count: 3,000
A/N: I’m trying to keep the reader’s house open for interpretation, but I think it’s pretty plain to see that in my head, she’s a Ravenclaw. I’m also not a fan of this chapter. This is the chapter in which I converted what I had written of the oneshot into a longer piece so there are bits that to me still have a different feel than the rest. Makes it a little choppy when I read it, but hopefully it’s not bad for you!
Story Masterpost
-
September 1998
The world looks the same as it always has outside of the train window, but it all feels different. Colors still feel muted and even though there’s less chaos raging behind the trees, they still give you an ominous feeling deep in your gut. There are familiar faces on the train, but not enough to make you feel at home. Eyes either avoid yours or stare uncomfortably long. You feel out of place. You’re not supposed to be here.
But, yet, here you are. Your classmates have affectionately dubbed it “The 8th Year” at Hogwarts and even that makes you feel ill-fitting since you didn’t actually attend any of your 7th year so how could it possibly be considered your 8th? You had spent all of last year in hiding, most of which at The Burrow working to gain trust and prove your worth. You’d spent the end of it fighting on the winning side and risking your life for people you once hated.
You don’t belong.
And right now, if you could, you might just get off the train and call it quits on the whole 8th year idea. But you’re already committed now and you refuse to be labeled a quitter. It’s time to move on and build a life for yourself and you know that starts with finishing your education as best you can. So you swallowed the nausea and stayed.
You are one of the last ones off the train partly because you don’t like being in the crowd and partly because you hope it might lessen the stares. Armed with a bag filled almost entirely of long sleeved shirts, you take a deep breath and step onto the platform.
The air is warm, though the threat of colder weather ahead lingers in the air. You yearn for it, having taken a liking to the cold in the last year or so. Trees still hold their color so you suspect you have to wait just a little while for it yet. At least it gives you something to look forward to.
You begin your walk down the platform, feet padding gently along the wood. One step at a time, you tell yourself. One foot in front of the other until they suddenly stop when the sight of Draco exiting the train a few doors down causes your lungs to seize. You’d heard he would be attending so it shouldn’t have stunned you to see him, but it did. You had chosen to ignore the fact that you’d likely run into him, instead choosing to blindly hope you could somehow avoid him all year.
The thinning crowd of people allows you to see him fairly clearly. He’s looks good, well and healthy even. The little boy who broke your heart had grown into a man somehow. Perhaps in the four short months since the end of the war, he had healed. Maybe he was atoning for his wrongs. A softness in your heart grows as you watch him, letting yourself briefly daydream about a happy reunion filled with apologies and hope for the future.
His eyes scan the platform and when they fall on you, your heart speeds up anxiously. His look is not warm or friendly and when you recognize the façade painted on his face, your girlish fantasies are wiped away. He’s nothing more than the same boy he’s always been, playing pretend in a black dress jacket and trousers with a coward’s fear hidden behind his steely eyes.
He doesn’t even acknowledge you, just keeps scanning the platform before adjusting his jacket and continuing on his way. Pushing back the anger you feel starting to bubble, you tighten your grip on your bag and make your way to the carriages by yourself.
~~~
Your memories of him have always come in waves and the last two weeks have been no different as you settled into your new, old routine at school. You can go hours, even days without thinking about him and then out of nowhere, a memory will hit you so strongly that you feel like you’ve entered a pensieve.
Even now, looking at him across the great hall, you can still remember his touch. You can still practically feel his breath on your skin, your nails in his back. It was pain and comfort all in one. You remember how he’d laid his head in your lap afterwards. You still can’t be sure if the wetness left on your thighs was sweat or if he’d cried while he laid with you.
You cringe at how you had so naively thought that was the end of it. You were his salvation and he’d wake up the next morning and run away with you to the other side, to the right side of the war. But those had been foolish, little girl dreams. And you promised yourself after seeing him exit the train that you wouldn’t get involved with Draco Malfoy again.
So why can’t you stop staring at him?
Maybe because he hasn’t so much as acknowledged your existence yet and that, more than anything, pisses you off even if it shouldn’t. Despite your vow to yourself, you crave him talking to you, looking at you, noticing you’re alive for Merlin’s sake! Instead, you feel like you’ve been completely invisible to him. While this clearly made it easier to not get involved, it bothers you. He’s taking away your choice to be rid of him which is just rude.
Fingers snap in front of your face.
“Do you just want to hex him and be done with it?” Ginny asks next to you, a ghost of a smile on her lips. One positive of this year; the voluntary segregation of sitting with your house had been all but completely abandoned, allowing you to sit with the very few friends you have. “You could probably do it with minimal punishment.”
“I don’t want to hex him,” you argue softly, forcing your eyes back down to the plate in front of you. Ginny raises an eyebrow at you.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes!” You let out a huff and poke the food with your fork. “No. Maybe a little bit,” you admit. She nudges your shoulder with her own and sighs sympathetically. Ginny was never someone you thought you’d end up close with, but after staying with her family during the war, she’d become practically like your sister. She’s a better friend than you’d ever had before. Probably better than you deserve too.
“Have you spoken to him?” She keeps her voice quiet amongst the chatter in the hall. You look at her, full of irrational guilt, and shake your head in the smallest fashion you can. “Maybe you should.” You look back to him and remember the way he felt on top of you, whispering your name and the way your legs wrapped around his waist. But then, just as suddenly, you’re hit with the memory of him walking away from you in the middle of the night with a hollowness in your chest.
“I think that’s the last thing I need to do.” You force yourself to stop looking at him throughout the rest of your meal and attempt to join into jovial conversation at the table.
Fate, however, seemed to have heard your words and thusly thrust her middle finger out to you, because Draco is suddenly everywhere. It was inevitable that you run into each other, after all, you had classes together, but he still seems to be within your eyesight an excessive amount; sitting right in front of you during lessons, resting under your favorite tree, always managing to be where you can see his face during meals. Your only reprieve is your common room which you’ve taken to staying in during most of your free time.
Going strictly to and from classes and meals has become tiresome though. You’re starting to feel like you’re back in hiding and can feel a darkness creeping in. You don’t have an abundance of friends at Hogwarts. Or anywhere really. The loneliness threatens to eat away at you sometimes, but you keep it at bay by keeping your nose in your books; a coping skill you’ve become entirely too proficient at executing.
But today you venture out, book in hand, hoping to find a quiet place with a little background noise to read. A change of scenery and a breath of air may help the frayed nerves you haven’t been able to shake these last weeks. Your feet carry you to the library almost without any thought. It had been among one of the first areas rebuilt and reconstructed after the war and though they built it much the same as it had been, it had a distinctively new feel to it.
It’s a bit of a bustle with people, mostly first and second years who think studying is still the most important thing they can do. Idiots, you think. You walk around for a little bit, admiring the fresh wooden tables and shelves, before gravitating towards a back corner. There used to be a couple of chairs in a back row of books by the muggle section that no one ever frequented. With any luck, it might still exist.
Fate smiles down on you, but it’s a wicked smile because yes, your little nook is still there, but so is Draco. He sits in the armchair in plain clothes, an elbow on the armrest, and his face propped up on his fist as he stares down at the book in his lap. His platinum hair falls into his eyes, yet he doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. He looks so ordinary, like he could be any man in the world and it irks you in a way you can’t put into words. He’s not ordinary. He’s not any man. He’s Draco Malfoy.
You stare long enough for him to sense it and look up from his book. And for what feels like for the first time all year, he looks at you. He freezes for just a moment, as though he’s shocked or perhaps scared at the sight of you. Then in a blink it’s gone, replaced by a softer tone in his eyes.
“Sorry,” he apologizes, his voice a rush of warm nostalgia. He closes his book. “I can leave.” Even though you’re negatively shaking your head, he gathers the bag at his feet and stands.
“It’s alright,” you try to tell him. “I’ll just go somewhere else.” He’s already standing up in front of you, ready to slink past. There’s an urge to reach out and grab his arm. You repress it.
“No, it’s fine. You like this spot.” He says it so quickly and his eyes flitter to anything but your face as he passes. Before you can try to say anything else, he’s disappeared beyond more shelves of books, completely out of view.
You’re left standing there looking after him feeling entirely unsatisfied and empty with the interaction. You can’t put your finger on or voice what you wanted to happen, but that certainly wasn’t it.
Sighing, you concede to do what you had come for. Even that proves to be too difficult because when you settle into the chair, it’s still soft with his imprint and warm with his body heat. It gives you the barest sensation of having him wrapped around you. It reminisces more than it should of that too-long-hug you shared before he’d kissed you for the first time. The memories washing over you make it too difficult to focus on the words in your book. You snap it shut and leave. The common room is clearly the better place to stay.
~~~
All of your interactions after that are all short and insignificant. He’s always there, but never looks your way. If he does have to speak to you, it’s always in a minimal way. It never fails to leave you frustrated and angry. Even your books aren’t easing your tension like they used to.
It's been nearly a full month now and throwing yourself into your studies hasn’t helped you any either. You’ve practically finished the coursework for half of your classes. Your homework is done well before you wish to go to sleep for the evening. You haven’t set foot outside the castle walls. You have so few friends, no family, and no one who can relate to your troubles. And the one person you’d counted on your whole life, your best friend and the boy you would have done almost anything for, barely even looks at you.
The suffocation of it all comes in the darkness of night. It crushes down on your chest and burns on your arm. Your fucking arm. You’ve scrubbed it. You’ve concealed it. You even went so far as to try to cut the skin off. Nothing works. That skull and snake are with you forever. And everyone knows it.
Some nights you can’t take it. You can’t merely lay in your bed and pretend sleep will come peacefully. So you leave your room. You wander the castle, trying to find those places that bring warmth to your heart and avoid those were people died.
Tonight, you go to the courtyard just to look at the stars. There’s something soulful about the sky. It’s where muggles look to when they pray to a higher power. It holds a universe more expansive than you could ever imagine. It could swallow you whole if you let it or maybe, just maybe one day it will show you how to be happy.
You forcibly don’t recognize that laying in grass and looking up at the sky had been something you and Draco used to do together. It works well enough to let you enjoy the activity again by yourself, but it blinds you to the idea that Draco might be doing the same thing.
You shouldn’t have been so surprised when you reach the courtyard and he’s there, leaning back on the fountain and staring upwards, but you are. When your shoe crunches on the gravel, his head snaps to you and with his own surprise, stands up.
Another short apology. Another move for a quick exit in the opposite direction of you. Your fists clench at your sides, unable to bottle in your anger any longer.
“Oh would you shove off with that?” you snap before he can slip back into the shadows. He turns and raises an eyebrow at you. “I was ready,” you tell him angrily. “I was ready to come back this year and hate you. I was ready to avoid you and shoot you pissed off glares from across the room. Then I get here and you avoid me!” His face puzzles for a moment.
“So you want me to try to talk to you so that you can tell me off?” A little bit of his old self, of the Draco you once knew and loved, comes through in an irritated eye roll. “Sorry to disappoint.” You let out a huff of air and cross your arms.
“Why are you avoiding me?” The puzzled look on his face returns.
“The way you’re reacting right now doesn’t answer that question for you?” He tilts his head and hums mockingly. “Not as smart as I thought you were.”
“Smarter than you are, clearly.” He grinds his jaw at your condescension and then he’s walking up to you, getting closer than he’s been all year and your bravery falters for a moment as your feet step you back and your arms uncross to hang useless by your sides.
“That’s why I haven’t approached you. I don’t need another lecture. I’ve been to trial. I’m on probation. I’ve had everything I’ve ever done wrong put out in front of me in excruciating detail. I don’t need you to give me another run through.” His eyes and his tone are cold, hard. You recognize it all too well and while he’s gotten better at hiding it, you can still see the pain underneath. It tries to soften you, but ultimately fails.
“They shouldn’t have let you come back,” you spit at him, instantly regretting the words when he pulls away. You don’t mean it. Of course you don’t mean it, but you say it with enough venom and hate that he believes it.
“We all made mistakes,” he hisses at you before glancing down to your arm. The heat of his stare practically stings and you have to resist that instinctive pull to hide it away. “I hear you’re the shining example everyone uses to demonstrate that not all bad guys hail from Slytherin, even despite the fact that you changed sides in the end.” The only reason you don’t crack your palm over his cheek is because you give in to the need to hold onto your left forearm tightly, your palm now busy cradling the skull of the Dark Mark underneath your shirt sleeve. “How’s that feel?”
“You’re horrid,” you tell him weakly. He tilts his head again.
“That is what everyone says.” He gives a shrug that tries too hard to be casual and finally steps out of your personal space. With a small shake of his head, he turns to leave again, but you refuse to let him get the last word.
“At least I tried to atone!” you call after him. He pauses, but doesn’t look back. “I did the right thing when it mattered!”
“And where did that get you?” he asks bitterly. “Where did it get your family?” You suck in a harsh breath and try desperately to hold back the tears that are abruptly burning behind your eyes. Dead, you think. It got them killed.
“They made their own choices.” It sounds rehearsed because it is. You told yourself those same words over and over again every night for months. Your parents weren’t good people. You knew that. They were still your parents though and when you heard He’d killed them, it hurt more than you want to admit. And Draco knew that. Draco knows your weaknesses and your soft spots and just how to twist a knife into you. Perhaps that’s why you hated him so much.
“You don’t bother me and I won’t bother you.” He still hasn’t even so much as looked over his shoulder back at you.
“Fine,” you answer curtly, your hand still wringing around your forearm. When he leaves, you allow yourself to crumple onto the ground and cry. You feel so much hollower than the last time he’d left you in tears. Back then, the air had practically crackled with tension and death and war. Now the air is silent, calm and that makes it all the more unsettling. All the more finite.
~~~
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vs-redemption · 4 years
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A Big Deal: Part Two
(Jealous!Aizawa x Fem!Reader)
Hello everyone! As promised, here is Part Two of the Jealous!Aizawa request that some people asked for. I decided on a happy ending. I hope that’s okay! 
My requests are still open for anyone who is interested. Please check out my rules and masterlist!
You can find part one of the story here!
The clock hanging on the wall in your new office seemed to be slowing down as it counted down the seconds to closing time. Your first week in your promoted position was almost over and you were exhausted. Although you were still over the moon about the advancement, it seemed that there would be a lot you’d need to learn and get used to before you could really get into the swing of your new role at the company. The support and encouragement from your coworkers had been a huge help, but that didn’t stop the onslaught of new information from being mentally taxing. You had been going nonstop all week and all you really wanted now was a relaxing weekend to give your mind a break.
There was only one person you could think of to spend your time with during your little respite, and that was your incredible boyfriend, Shota Aizawa. You knew he worked just as hard, if not harder, than you did on a daily basis. He constantly amazed you with his ability to balance both his job as a teacher at UA and his responsibilities as a pro hero. His astonishing work ethic wasn’t the only thing that drew you to him though. His outstanding bravery was another aspect of his personality that you just had to admire. He sometimes came off as lazy or antisocial to people, but he never hesitated to put the wellbeing of others before his own, even if it meant putting himself in jeopardy.
When you’d first met Aizawa, you had assumed his demanding schedule wouldn’t leave much room for dating or other leisurely activities, but he had surprised you in this aspect as well. Not only had he given up plenty of his precious free time to take you out as much as he could, but he’d also allowed you to come and lounge around his apartment with him whenever he was particularly worn out. He always made sure to spend time with you, even when you were sure he’d rather be alone to recharge. He was truly selfless and you could not ask for a better man to call your boyfriend.
It felt only natural to text him and ask if he was free for the evening once you finally got out of the office. You were quite shocked though when you didn’t get the reply you were expecting. You stare at your phone for a moment, trying to pick apart the meaning of the message. Admittedly, it wasn’t the first time he’d turned down an offer to see you. After all, he sometimes had to pick up another hero’s patrol, or stay after school with his student for longer than expected. This was different though. He was usually more apologetic. This almost seemed like a blatant rejection, at least compared to Aizawa’s usual behavior. And now that you thought about it, your boyfriend had been a little distant for the past few days. You were starting to fear that something was going on.
“Hey!” One of your coworkers finds you standing outside. “Do you have any plans tonight? Some of us are going out for a drink if you’re interested?” You look back down at your phone, hating the feeling of unease that was starting to settle in your chest. You hadn’t done anything wrong, had you? Or had your boyfriend also suffered through an unusually tiresome week?
“Sorry, but I think I’m going to have to pass this time,” you tell your coworker. “Don’t have too much fun without me though.”
“That would be impossible!” he laughs. “Anyway, have a nice weekend!” You both exchange goodbyes and then part ways. You decide to grab some take out from the nearest convenience store before simply heading home for the evening. You change into your pajamas, snuggle up on the sofa, and munch on your food for a while, trying to focus on the show you’d put on. It was difficult to get into it though. The strange text from Aizawa was still occupying your thoughts. You’d been with him for a good amount of time now and this was the first time he’d ever made you feel insecure. You were sure he hadn’t meant to make you so unsettled, but you really wanted to know what was causing this strange behavior regardless. You turn off your television, change out of your pajamas, and head to your boyfriend’s place.
To say Aizawa was shocked when you turned up at his door was an understatement. He had assumed you’d find some friends to go out with to kick off the weekend, but now you were standing in front of him looking pretty upset.
“Sorry to show up unannounced,” you apologize as he invites you in. “I’m not intruding, am I?”
“Of course not,” he assures you, even though he was worried about what this surprise visit could mean. “Is everything all right?”
“I was going to ask you the same thing,” you kick off your shoes and follow him into his living room where he turns to look at you in confusion. “I know we’re both busy, but we’ve hardly spoken this week and I haven’t seen you since the party last weekend.” You felt a little weird bringing this all up, but it needed to be dealt with. “I guess I just miss you and it seems like you don’t feel the same way.”
Aizawa didn’t know he could feel any worse than he already had, but somehow he had managed to do the wrong thing again. He lets out a sigh and reaches up to run a hand through his long untamed hair. “This is my fault,” he mumbles out. “I was trying to give you more space.”
“Space?” you hadn’t expected a comment like that. “For what?”
“To be yourself… I guess?” Aizawa shrugs, feeling way outside of his comfort zone. “You seem happy when you’re out with your friends, so I didn’t want you to feel like you had to be tethered down by me when you could be doing something more entertaining. I know I’m not always that exciting to be around.”
“What?” you honestly couldn’t believe what you were hearing. “Do you really think I feel that way about you?” He shrugs again which causes a horrible feeling to ignite in your heart. Aizawa was such a good person and it pained you to think that you’d somehow made him feel like he wasn’t enough to make you happy.
“I like going out with my friends but they can be exhausting,” you admit, praying that your words would have a strong enough impact. “They’re fun to goof off with every once in a while, but I could never get tired of being around you, Shota. I’m happy no matter what we do together.”
Your words moved Aizawa and he felt a spark of hope that things might be okay. He takes your hands off his face so he could hold them in his. “You know we’ve been together for a year now, right?” he asks. You furrow your eyebrows in thought until realization dawns on you.
“Oh!” you pull your hands away to smack yourself in the forehead. “Oh no! It really has been that long!” Guilt over forgetting your own anniversary threatens to consume you but Aizawa is quick to curb those negative feelings by snatching your hands back.
“Celebrating the amount of time we’ve been together isn’t as important to me as knowing we’re both enjoying that time,” he admits awkwardly. “I was just concerned that maybe you had stopped enjoying it.”
“Of course not!” you declare firmly. “I love you and every second we spend together.” Aizawa’s mouth pulls into a rare smile and he tugs you into his chest to hug you tight, feeling relieved that he wouldn’t be losing you today. You hug him back just as tightly.
“You’re my home,” you whisper softly. The words earn you a tender kiss on the forehead and he answers, “You’re my home too.” The pieces of your relationship seemed to shift back into place after that and the stability felt wonderful.
“So, is it okay if I stay here with you for a little while?” you ask almost shyly. Aizawa takes your face into his hands and smiles again.
“Stay as long as you want,” he says, before pulling you into a kiss.
Taglist: @fallenlilangel99// @ jinny-06 // @lucacangettathisass// @sociallyanxiousbre// @ aiko-lovescats
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ipuckwithhockey · 4 years
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Always In Your Corner- Part 2
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a/n: I probably should have mentioned this is gonna be a slow burn. Sorry if you were hoping this was gonna be a quick get together, you’ll just have to keep reading!
PART 1
Summary: You were happily engaged to your perfect boyfriend when everything came tumbling down on you. The person you turned to just so happened to be your long time friend, Boone Jenner. The ever loyal Boone is there to help you get back on your feet. Little did you know, Boone had been pining after you for all these years, he’s just not sure if you’ll ever feel the same way about him.
Warnings: mentions of cheating, swearing, anxiety and depression if you squint
--------------
You’ve probably been sitting in your car outside of Boone’s building for an hour when there’s a knock at your window. It startles you and shakes you out of the deep dark place you had been in your head. You turn to see Boone’s face separated from yours by a pain of tinted glass. You moved to roll your window down, and that’s when Boone can see that you’ve been crying. His face softens when he gently asks you, “What happened?”
He doesn’t really have to ask, the full car and tear stained face are enough for him to know exactly what happened. You don’t even bother with answering his question because you’re afraid you’ll start crying again.  
“I just- I just need somewhere to stay for a couple days, but I understand if you don’t even want to see me after what happened the other night..” You can’t help it, the tears are coming even if you don’t want them to. 
“It’s cold out here, let’s get you inside.” His puppy-like eyes are soft as he answers matter of factly and you nod, rolling your window up, and cutting the ignition. You grab a small bag you had set aside with what you would need for a couple days. Ever the gentleman, Boone takes the bag from your hands and leads you up to his apartment. 
You sit down on the couch and after an hour of silence you know the least that you could do is explain what actually happened earlier that day. You explain everything, and Boone is exactly how you thought he would be. He’s tender and sympathetic and he says all the right things. He holds you when you cry and eventually your exhausted body falls asleep. After about an hour Boone decides to slowly pick you up to move you to his bed.
He thought about just taking you to his guest room, but it didn’t feel right to leave you like this. The look of exhaustion was still clear on your swollen face. When he gets you tucked in, he leaves you to turn the kitchen lights off. Surprisingly you’ve managed to stay asleep through all the moving, so he decides to make a quick call to Josh. Josh is quick to pick up, “Hey man what’s up, you still coming out tonight?”
“No, uhh.. Y/N showed up at my place a couple hours ago. She broke up with Craig. Apparently the asshole has been sleeping with his secretary for like three fucking months.” Josh had expected a call confirming this evening’s plans, but now he could hear just how pissed Boone was, and with the information he was sharing Josh’s temper was also starting to flare up. Josh also didn’t know why Boone was whispering?
“What the fuck. Are you fucking serious? If you don’t kill him I will. And why the hell are you whispering? I can barely hear you man.”
“Sorry, Y/N’s asleep. She fell asleep crying. I told her she could stay here for a few days. I swear if I ever see that asshole again, I’m going to need someone to stop me from killing him.”
“Well, there is a bright side to all of this…” Boone has no clue what Josh is talking about. One of their best friends just got cheated on by her fiancé for christ sake!
“Booner, she’s going to be single... Meaning you can finally make your move!”
“Dude, she thought she was going to marry that asshole. She’s fucking depressed. I’m not going to go make a move on a girl who can barely say sentence without crying.”
“Well not RIGHT NOW. But eventually, before she finds some other douchebag you need to make your move!” Josh has a point. If there was ever going to be an opportunity for Boone to tell you how he felt, it was now. Well not RIGHT NOW, but maybe once you got back on your feet. The conversation doesn’t last much longer, and Boone finally makes his way back to his bed. He gently slides in, trying not to wake you, and realizes just how tiresome all of this has been for him.
——
The next morning you wake up with Boone’s arms around you.  His arms are so warm and comfortable, and it takes a minute for you to realize where you are, and who you’re with. Then yesterday’s events come flooding back to you. You try your best to slide out of Boone’s arms without waking him and head into the bathroom.
The girl who stares back at you in the mirror is dressed in the same pair of sweats you had put on when you left your apartment for the last time, but still, you didn’t recognize her. She’s sad and alone, and her face is red and swollen from hours of crying.
You find some mouth wash under Boone’s sink and rinse your face, but it does little to improve your emotional hangover. By the time you leave the bathroom Boone has gotten up. You hear movement in the kitchen and find him at the stove fixing breakfast.  You hadn’t even realized how hungry you were until you smelt the bacon.
“Hey..” You weren’t sure what to say, a “good morning” didn’t seem appropriate. When Boone’s eyes meet yours, there’s a flick of the sadness you saw in your own just moment ago.
“Morning. I put some coffee on, and breakfast should be ready in a couple minutes.” He’s doing a better job at cutting the tension in the room and you’re grateful for it.
“Thanks. You didn’t have to do all of this”
“Hey, I told you I would always be in your corner and I meant it.” He places a plate of eggs and toast and bacon down in front of you and your stomach growls loud enough for both of you to hear. “Jesus. Kid, when was the last time you ate?” He’s making a joke, trying to keep it light for both of your sakes, but your response although true, is dampening on the mood,
“I guess I haven’t eaten since dinner the night before last… I didn’t get a chance to eat breakfast yesterday before everything happened…” You’re trying not to cry, and if it weren’t for Boone distracting you by letting you know exactly how he cooked the eggs you probably would have broken down again. Most of your meal is eaten in silence and then Boone lets you know he has morning skate. He says he can skip it but you insist that he goes. You tell him you need to start looking for a new place and whatnot. Before he leaves for practice he looks at you like he wants to say something,
“Yes?”
“I just- I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night. I just didn’t want to leave you in the guest room, alone, and then you had a nightmare and you were crying in your sleep and so i just kind of held you until we both fell back to sleep… I just didn’t really know what els-“
The vague memory of your nightmares popped up in your head. They had of course been about Craig. You remember seeing him and Chelsea standing together, happy, and taunting you. The failure of your relationship together wasn’t your fault, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t feel that way. You only slightly remember Boone pulling you into him, and really only that it felt better when he did. “B, you didn’t make me uncomfortable. And thank you. For everything. You don’t know how much this all of this means.”
He smiles back at you before slipping out the door
——
It’s been over a week since that morning you woke up in Boone’s arms. You’ve stayed in his guest room every night since, but when you wake up with nightmares or when he hears you crying yourself to sleep he can’t help but knock on your door. Inevitably you fall asleep in his arms, and wake up with him wrapped around you. 
If you weren’t so numb from everything going on around you, you might have felt the same butterflies that Boone felt every night when you held onto him like you never wanted to let go. You knew that you couldn’t rely on him as your safety blanket forever.  The first couple days were rough and just about all you did was cry, but you went back to work after a few days it actually helped take your mind off of things. 
Going back to work helped settle some of Boone’s nerves too. He was worried about you, and seeing you mope around crying for days was freaking him out. You were always sure of yourself and quick to bounce back, never getting hung up on things for too long. He had never seen you like this and he wasn’t sure of what else he could do. Work helped bring some normalcy back into both of your lives, and it made Boone feel a little less helpless. 
Knowing you couldn’t just live with Boone forever you made yourself look at apartments and during your lunch break yesterday you signed the lease papers for your new place. It was a small one bedroom that was only a couple blocks from Boone.
Boone was glad you were getting back on your feet, but he could tell you were still broken inside, and he could see the sadness in your eyes every time they looked back at his. He wanted to fix it and he wanted to make you whole again, but he couldn’t. So instead he did everything he could to be there for you. He made sure you ate, and made sure you felt at home in his, and he even offered to help you move your stuff into your new place.
The only problem was that you didn’t have much to move. You didn’t even have any furniture. When you moved in with Craig you sold most of the furniture you had and when you left you didn’t have much interest in taking anything with memories of him. He never even called after you left. You weren’t sure if it was easier that way, or if it just confirmed that you had wasted three years of your life on a man who fell out of love with you. You also tried to keep your mind from wondering what would come of his relationship with Chelsea. Either way, you were trying to turn a new page, no matter how painful. You were trying your hardest to be that strong girl everyone knew you as. 
That’s how you found yourself in the car with Boone on a Sunday afternoon, headed to a furniture store. He insisted that he would help you pick some stuff out for your new place, and you honestly had no idea why. Boone was your stereotypical hockey player, and it was all function over form. If it was comfortable it worked, and he definitely didn’t have much interest in interior decorating.  Nevertheless, here you were parking in the lot of a furniture store.
You were right of course, Boone didn’t have much interest in furniture, but he always had an interest in anything that involved you. He wanted to help, and if this was helping then he was going to do it. You’re making your way into the store when a sales person tells you they’ll be around if you need anything. The first thing on your list is a bed. You at least needed somewhere to sleep.
“So. What kind of bed are you looking for?” Boone turns to you like you have a game plan, and while you probably should have one, you don’t. You know you need a bed and that’s about as far as you’d gotten.
“Well, I guess probably a full or queen? I don’t think the room is big enough for anything bigger, and it’s not like I’ll be sleeping with anyone.” As you navigate around the showroom, you tried to make a joke of that last bit but it just came out sounding sad, and neither one of you knew just what to say. You thought the bubbly sales lady walking towards you would help lighten the mood, but then she started talking...
“That’s a great option right there! It comes in a few different finishes too!” The woman who introduced herself as Carla is referring to a King sized, wood framed bed that sits in front of you and Boone. You hadn’t even been looking at it but Carla seemed intent that this was the bed for you.
“Oh, I don’t think I need a bed that big…” You’re trying your best to be polite but you hate sales people and your current state just wants you to find some furniture so you can go home and go back to bed.
“Well, if you’re sharing it with a large guy like him you may want the space. But something smaller would be cozy!!” Is she insinuating what you think she is? You look to Boone and his face is flushed, “We’re uh- we’re not together…” He says it like he’s sorry that she would make the assumption and the awkward tension in the showroom could be cut with a knife.
Luckily for you, Carla, ever the professional saleswoman has already moved on to her next sales pitch. She’s taken you over to a nice queen bed. It’s a fabric bed frame that’s a soft gray color. It’s pretty but simple with tufting across the headboard.
Carla convinces you to purchase the bed and gets you a pretty good discount on a couch and a chair for your living room. When you finally get home Boone decides to order take out for dinner and while you wait he convinces you to order the same type of mattress that he has. It is the most comfortable bed you’ve ever slept in so convincing you wasn’t all that hard. By the time your food arrives you’ve also ordered an Ikea dresser for your room and some bookshelves. You’re really thanking yourself for your big girl job and for being such a frugal saver, because restarting your life wasn’t cheap. Oh, and thank god Ikea existed.
Boone sat next to you at the island as you perused various furniture websites. He was glad you were going to be getting into your new place but he was going to miss you. He was also leaving on a road trip in the morning and wouldn’t be back for a week. He couldn’t help but worry about you on your own. You still slept together nearly every night, and when you didn’t he was pretty sure you just laid awake all night. He was right. Your sleep schedule was fucked. When you did feel like sleeping it was during the day when you were at work, but at night your mind would betray you with thoughts of your failed relationship.
You did mentally thank yourself for not getting around to sending the save the dates, but you did still have to cancel the venue and the flowers that you had already ordered. The dress you had your eye on thankfully hadn’t been purchased yet, and your mom had taken the initiative to start calling people to tell them what had happened. Normally you would insist on doing everything yourself but nothing sounded worse right now than calling vendors to cancel your orders. Your mom was happy to do it for you and at least you didn’t have that weighing on you. You were however getting nervous about Boone leaving for a road trip.
He had become your sense of safety since you left Craig. You didn’t want to admit that you might need him so when Boone asked if you would be okay on your own over the next week you gave him your best smile and said you would be fine. You’d have to do this on your own eventually 
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swan--writes · 4 years
Note
Can you please write human by Christina Perry for Dewey please x
Look, I might as well tell you now that all of my remaining songfic requests are pretty angsty. Imma round it out with a fluffy non-request, just be aware: we have returned, my friends, to the angst corner.
Warnings: sad Dewey
Words: 975
I can hold my breath.
Dewey could handle this.
I can bite my tongue
He could.
I can stay awake for days…
He promised.
If that’s what you want.
When he was with his students, his fellow instructors, you, he could hold it in. It was just when he was alone that he crumbled.
It wasn’t that he was unhappy – that couldn’t have been it. He had everything: a partner who loved him, a job he adored, a nice apartment, steady cash flow. But for some reason, the dry February air was sucking his spirit dry. He was terrified you would notice, yet at the same time, he was hoping you would.
Dewey hated the part of himself that wanted you to notice. What kind of partner was he, if he actually wanted you to witness his misery? His despondence? You had already been having a hard enough month, and he knew that he needed to take care of you. He was hiding it as best he could, but was it enough?
I can fake a smile.
No, he could do this. He could get out of bed.
I can force a laugh.
All he had to do was stand up. Just stand up.
I can dance and play the part…
Why couldn’t he get out of bed?
If that’s what you ask.
“Dewey?” he heard you call. You must have been in the living room. He had noticed you were gone when he first woke up, and you had closed the door behind you. There was cold sunlight shining in the crack underneath the bedroom door. He wanted to snuff it out. “Honey, are you awake?”
For a split second, Dewey considered letting you think he was asleep. But a quick glance at his alarm clock told him that would be even worse. It was already 1:00PM.
“Yeah, I…” Dewey sat up in bed. “I’ll be right out.”
His stomach dropped when, rather than waiting for him, you walked into the room. You were wearing your PJ shorts and one of his t shirts, and your steps fell quietly on the faux hardwood floor.
“Hey,” Dewey rasped, and cleared his throat. You sat beside him on the bed, trapping him between yourself and the wall. Dewey’s stomach, already low in his gut, twisted when he saw the concern on your face.
I can do it.
“What’s going on?” you asked softly.
I can do it.
“What do you mean?”
I can do it…
“You haven’t been drinking as much, you’re on a normal schedule now, and you’ve got shit to catch up on.” Despite your words, your voice was gentle. Why did you have to be so gentle? “How come you’ve been sleeping so much the last month?”
Oh. So you had noticed.
You poked his hand where it rested close to your thigh. “What’s going on?”
Dewey looked away from you then, turning his gaze down to focus on nothing in particular. “I don’t know.”
You said nothing, but waited. He knew he couldn’t outlast this silence – you had the patience of a St. Bernard with a chew toy, you would sit there as long as it took for him to crack. So, Dewey tried a different tack.
“How are you doing?” he asked. “I know you’ve been going through a lot.”
You tilted your head, still watching him. “I’m doing well, Dr. Finn.” You smiled softly. “And you’ve been amazing the last few weeks. Now let me worry about you.” Dewey watched as you tapped a short rhythm on the palm of his hand with two of your fingers. “What’s going on?”
Even hours later, Dewey wouldn’t know what it was about the question that got to him. It might have been the way you asked, with your absurdly gentle voice and your impossibly serene expression, as if at that moment, he was the only thing in the world you cared about.
But I’m only human.
He broke down.
Before he knew what was happening, you had moved closer and Dewey was cradled in your arms. He cried into your collarbone, harder than he had cried in years. Your hand was so warm and steady on his back, your arms so strong and so supportive, that he couldn’t force himself to stop. He was dimly aware that he was choking out apologies, and that you were shushing him in that infuriatingly patient way you had.
I can turn it on…
And then he was shaking his head and pulling away and wiping at his eyes with frustrated hands.
Be a good machine…
“No, I mean…” Dewey paused to breathe, and you waited.
I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need.
“You don’t need this right now, you’re already dealing with a lot, and I shouldn’t be–”
“Stop.”
Abruptly, Dewey wasn’t crying anymore. He stared at your face – still serene but with something bright and fierce behind your eyes.
“You don’t apologize to me, not for this.”
Be your everything.
Dewey sniffled. “But–”
“No.” The tears returned, and you took his hands.
How could you be so understanding about this? It had to be so tiresome for you, to be dealing with all this bullshit from the one person in your life who was supposed to be stable.
“Listen to me.” You paused, and Dewey reluctantly looked up at you. “You’re allowed to have feelings. You’re a human person, and you’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. Okay? Between me and your students and living alone for the first time…ever.” You shook your head, and got that little crease between your eyes. The one you got when you were thinking about how amazing he was. Did you…?
I can take so much…
Dewey said your name and it came out as a whimper, but for once, that didn’t bother him much. You squeezed his hands.
‘Til I’ve had enough.
“I’m really proud of you, love, but I’m gonna need you to take care of yourself too.”
Dewey sniffled again and leaned forward. You met him halfway and leaned your forehead against his. You stayed that way for a few moments. When the tears became too much again, though, Dewey had to move to lean his head into the crook of your neck instead. You wrapped your arms around him again, and this time he found he didn’t mind.
‘Cause I’m only human.
.
.
please reblog if you are so moved, it really helps content creators
tags list: @skiddyyo @missihart23 @ballerinafairyprincess @thewolfisapartofmysoul
if you would like to get on the tags list, shoot me a message or an ask
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plutoismydaddy · 4 years
Text
I can read you like a book 1
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Jimin x reader Gangster au
In the midst of a gang war Jimin finds himself in his own war, a war between himself and the feelings he was developing for the girl with the fuzzy pink scarf. 
CH1 CH2 CH3  CH4 CH5
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“Have a nice night” you smiled as the old lady walked through the doors of the café, your smile being replaced with a tired sigh once she was out of the building. Just one more hour and you’ll be able to go home and finally rest, get a break from this tiresome life. 
Leaning onto the counter you peered through the empty cafe, basking in the peace. You felt your eyelids start to flutter, slowly inching down. You were alone in her and if someone walked in you'd hear it, so maybe it wouldn't hurt to rest your eyes for a second. Letting your eyes finally close you felt your hair fall onto your face as it tilted forward, slowly falling asleep your half-awake head was filled with nothing but the ticks of the clock behind you. Slow consistent ticks, tick tock, tick tock, tick to- bang. The sudden loud sound ripped you out of sleep, head snapping up you instinctively crouched down and eyes darting around the room, but it was just as empty and still as before. Your eyes peered out the windows, the streets were just as empty as the small shop you stood in. Yes empty, apart from the hunched over, stumbling figure, two new bangs rang through the air and the man's body jerked as the bullets hit his body before he fell to the ground. Eyes still fixated on the figure you saw something out of the corner of your eyes. Frozen you watched as the old lady you had just served walked toward the body, you watched as bullets hit her body and you watched her fall to the ground, the coffee cup smashing against the ground. 
“I’m sorry you had to see that” the police officer smiled pitifully at you but you only shook your head back at her with a sad smile “I'm not the one that's lying dead on the street.” you looked up at her before continuing “I guess you’re used to seeing this” she put her pen and paper down “Yeah, it's really sad, almost scary.” you watched as the corner of her mouth pulled up, forming a tiny smirk that betrayed the sad face she was trying to hold. “It’s tragic that she had to lay beside that...man”. You swallowed, this was wrong you knew that and you had promised yourself not to do this again, but you needed answers. “Was he in some sort of gang?” starting the act you looked up at her, shrinking back in your seat eyebrows wrinkled and eyes wide in worry. the officer seeing your reaction straightened up and smiled at you “most likely”. She was obviously proud of her job, you let out a sigh “Ah things like these are not common huh?” the office let out a laugh “The past week has been like the wild west with gangsters being shot left and right”. Letting out a fake gasp you raised your hand to your mouth, the officer continued her hand resting on her cheek seemingly deep in thought “it seems like a new gang has arrived, they’re going around robbing small businesses and shooting gang members even if there is no conflict between them. It’s probably some kids that want to be the new big bad gang” she let out a chuckle. You opened your mouth but she spoke before you standing up “I shouldn’t even share this information” she fiddled with a white watch around her wrist “, but like I said it’s kind of crazy out there right now to be careful” you stood up smiling at her “I will”. Picking up her things she walked past you towards the exit of the café "Thank you for your statement, have a nice day.” you gave her a bow “You too, officer”. She climbed into the police car parked in front and drove away. You at the now closed door, a new gang huh.
You watched the bus get smaller and smaller as it drove away taking your good decisions with it. With a sigh you looked around as you made your way through the streets, each door, wall, and store brought up an old memory from the depth of your brain. Your eyes fell on a group of guys that returned the gesture eyeing you up and down, they weren’t all great memories, now that you thought about it. You looked away and pulled your scarf higher, if you didn’t get shot you'd probably die from cold.
You soon reached your destination, the dark wood door looked just as rough as the last time you opened it. Your cold hand immersed from your sleeve and knocked on the door producing a dull, echoing sound on the other side. Standing there you waited, a few seconds later the door flew open making you step back in shock. You barely had time to process the shocked woman in front of you before she pulled you into her warm arms, pain clutched your heart as you breathed in her scent. She pulled back cupping your cheeks “Soomin?!” you saw her eyes well up with tears “Don't cry Munhee, ‘cus I’ll start crying too,” you laughed trying to blink back tears. You sure had missed everyone, but you didn’t realize to what extent until now. “I just missed you so much” you mirrored her smile, your vision becoming blurry as your eyes narrowed, she pinched your cheeks “God I missed you”.
 Munhee had been shocked when you said you had come here to speak to Hyunshik as she walked you to his office. The halls and rooms were the same yet different somehow, even Munhee seemed a bit off but you couldn’t put your finger on it. Hyunshik looked up as the door closed behind you, his eyebrows flying to his hairline, he rounded his table and scooped you up in his arms in a tight hug. You didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as all the memories and emotions crashed down on you “Oh baby bunny!” a laugh fell from your lips at the old nickname “look at you, all grown up!” you shook your head at the man's antics, it was hard to believe he was the boss of Seoul’s biggest gangs at times. Your smile fell as you looked at Hyunshik properly, bags hung under his eyes and his usual clean shaved face was prickly with stub. “Have a seat.” he pointed to the chairs in front of his desk. You sat down and he joined you in a chair in front of you instead of his usual palace behind the desk. “So why are you here? I thought you swore to never come back here when you left?” the both of you let out a chuckle at the memory. You basked in the happiness because something told you it would end soon. 
“Did you see the news?” guilt pooled in your stomach as you saw how the smile fell from Hyunshik’s face. He looked so tired, “I...I came here because” your eyes fell to your hands, why did you come here? This had nothing to do with you, but somehow you felt a duty to do so. “I don't know, the recent shootings are weird.” the old man looked at you with concern but you gave I'm a reassuring smile “I only saw one, and a police officer told me a bit about others”. “I see you're still the same, tricking people into telling you info.'' your cheeks heated up, you furrowed your eyebrows ``What's going on Hyunshik? These are not normal shootings, they shoot the man in the back and shoot an innocent civilian. I've been gone for a bit but isn't that against basic manners?”. Hyunshik leaned back in the chair, his hands rubbing against his tired face “The officer said something about a new gang.” He only nodded his head “Then why are you letting them do this. They sure aren't experienced based on how many times they had to shoot to kill”, “It’s not that easy” Hyunshik let out a tired chuckle. “Ever since you left things here haven’t been the same'' you had totally forgotten about Munhee, “what? I was just an information gatherer”, “yeah but because so many gangs used your help, they started firing the other guys.”. Munhee closed her eyes as she remembered “It was easier to just use you. Especially ‘cause you decided not to make any connections with an individual gang and didn’t reveal information on rivas”. You blinked at her “I still don’t understand, aren’t there any other moles that did that?” “Nope” it was Hyunshik time to speak “Those bastards would do anything for money even if that meant ratting out their own gang… or killing rival moles''. 
You looked between Munhee and Hyunshik “OK and what does this have to do with this new gang", “As Munhee said, the moles had a harder time finding work after the bigger gangs started only using you.”. His hands came back to rub his temples “They formed their own gang when you left and killed all the other moles that followed your way of work, and they are threatening to reveal everything if even one of them gets as much as punched.”. This was bad, you thought. “Are they a big gang?” Munhee shook her head “Then why won't all the gangs just come together and just take all the members down at the same time” you perked up at your idea but Munhee only shook her head and crossed her arms. “We’ve already tried this, but every time we try to come up with a plan everyone starts pointing fingers and blaming at each other” you blinked back at her “you're joking?” the two only shook their heads.
Silence filled the air but your mind was racing. You didn’t want to get back into this business, even if it was only for a while. You barely made it out and you'd put the new life you worked so hard on the line, yet you couldn’t walk away. Hyunshik had taken care of you like a father, hell all the gang had become your family. Lips pouting in thought you spoke, “We’ll why don't I go talk to them?” “No” Hyunshik's voice was firm as he stood up “you're not getting involved in this mess... I still haven’t forgiven myself for letting you into this world before. I'm not doing the same mistake again” he buried his face in his hands “Hyunshik I choose-” he interrupted you standing up “You were a kid, we even called you baby bunny like some sick ironic joke.” You watched him sit behind his desk pulling out some papers “Well, I’m grown up now” he looked up at you, but you didn’t allow him to speak “I don't want you or anyone else I love to die. Those bastards are tainting my past work and I feel in some way guilty.” Hyunshik let what had to be the hundredth sigh, burrowing his head in his hands for a moment before speaking again “God you're just as stubborn as before” he leaned forward eyes piercing into yours “But promise me only to speak, nothing more” you turned and walked towards the door with a laugh “I don't know I’ve been breaking a lot of my promises lately” you stopped by the door, smiling at the man “Don’t worry”. 
You looked up at the sky, it was getting dark but you had only one gang left and had purposely left it to last. Convincing the other leaders was easy, you didn't know if it was because of your past with them or because they were desperate for a solution, but you would soon find out as you walked towards your next target. BTS.
Your ears had become used to the dull and faint sound of knocking at this point, the door opened slowly revealing the face of a guy and his confused face. “I'm here to talk to Namjoon.” a scoff fell from his lips “He's busy right now sweety.” he started closing the door with a smirk. Keeping your polite smile you spoke again “It’s about the black doves.” you watched the door stop, then slowly opened again but this time he eyed you with a septic look, he looked almost disgusted to hear that name.
“I’m sorry to bother you at this hour, I’m sure you know how much the leader of the Tigers likes to speak” you chuckled as you gave him a small greeting bow. He returned the bow from where he was sitting and gestured to one of the chairs “Why don't you sit down?”. You sat down folding your scarf on your lap “Would you like something to drink?” you shook your head “No, I won't take much of your time” he nodded with a smile, and the doors closed behind you. “I don't think we have met before, I’m Lee soomin.”, “Baby bunny, right? I’m Namjoon.” you chuckled “I see you’ve heard about me, but maybe not in the best way.” Namjoon leaned forward interlocking his fingers “Well some like to blame you for a couple of things that have been going around recently.”. You returned the smile “would you believe me if I said I didn’t intend for that?” a chuckle left his lips as he leaned back in his chair. “If you don't hate me too much could I maybe offer a solution?” “A solution?” Namjoon raised an eyebrow “Well you have probably heard it before, but by the things I’ve heard the conservation doesn't go far.” a smile stretched over Namjoons face “All the gangs getting together and killing those fuckers?” you snapped your finger “Bingo”. 
Namoon’s hand came to rest on his cheek as he furrowed his eyebrows, he was thinking, good. He leaned back towards you still smiling and with squinted eyes “And what does baby bunny get out of this, hmm?” his voice was low testing to see if you'd back down. Eyes turning slightly into crescent moons you smiled back “This might be our first meeting but I’ve known some of these people for years and as funny as it would be to see them get taken down by some wannabe gangsters, I would prefer that not happening.”. A laugh fell from Namjoon’s lips before he eyes you up and down, you did your best to not squirm under his gaze. “Fair enough” he eyed you a last time “You can count us in.” you clapped your hands together the sound muffled by the sleeves that covered your freezing fingers. “Great! Please give me some time to come up with a plan of action and I’ll relay it back to you as soon as possible” Namjoon nodded “We'll be waiting”. You stood up wrapping the scarf around your neck again “I’ll take my leave now then, I’ve taken enough of your time”, “Not at all. RJ please drive our guest back.”. You turned back to Namjoon waving your hands “Oh please that is not needed”.
The slow ticks of the turn signal was the only thing sounding in the quiet car, listening to the repeating sound you couldn’t help but remember the shooting in front of the café. Whoever fired the gun didn’t seem experienced seeing how they had to fire multiple shots. Maybe it was on purpose? To inflict as much pain before they died, but why did they do the same to the old lady? Was it just- “if you keep frowning like that your pretty face will get wrinkled.” RJ's voice shook you out of your thought “Hmm?” he only shook his head with a laugh. The car slowed to a stop at a red light “What’s your address?” it was your turn to laugh as you turned to him “Don't act like you don't know almost everything about me and my life for the past 2 years” he returned the laugh.
Silence filled the car again but this time your mind stayed blank the exhaustion of today catching up “you can call me Seokjin in by the way.” you furrowed your eyebrows, noticing your confusion he continued “I know now more than anytime we should be careful with our information, but you seem trusted by a lot of people” a sigh fell from Seokin’s lips. “I can't imagine the stress everyone has been going through” you eyed Seokjin from the corner of your eye, his shoulders slumped and back arched forward. You looked back forward “the guy that was shot in front of that café, who was he?” you eye him once again but his posture didn't change “I don't know, he was a new member of one of the Tigers” you nodded. “Do you know how many have been  killed by them?” he furrowed his eyebrows. “At least two in the past two weeks” you watched as Seokjin turned his shoulder that was closest to you slightly forward and away from you. He didn’t want to talk about it. It was probably a BTS member or someone he knew. You decided that was fine and just basked in the silence. 
“Thank you again” you smiled as you climbed out of the car and onto the cold street “No problem at all, good night”, “Good night”. You watched as the black car drove away before walking towards your apartment. The snow cracking under your shoes. If someone had told you that you’d spend your only day like this you'd laugh at them, yet here you were running between gangs since 7 in the morning.
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Hello, long time no see! I’ve haven’t been feeling that well recently but that's not important, what is important though is this story. I’m thinking of doing a series with individual stories for each member that has some criminal genre. If you have any ideas or improvements please let me know! Also in this story I used some body language. I don't have an education in it, but I have read a bit and I’m interested in it! Baii, be safe bb!
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justasimplesinner · 4 years
Note
Request cause it’s been a hard start of the week! Can you please write some Riddler fluff?
s a m e, i barely came back to school and i already wanna crawl into bed and fall into oblivion. so, as a compensation for that horrible start, i decided to turn this into a small fic! hopefully to your enjoyment
tho i haven’t written in a while so it might just suck dick, but it also might just not
Not today
It was one of those days. Days when getting out of bed seemed like the hardest challenge. Days when everything was proving to be a tedious task, when everyone was just annoying enough to make you want to crawl into a hole and stay there until the ground swallowed you whole, when not a single thing turned out the way you hoped it to-
Yes, you were having a bad day. A terrible day. And it was only the beginning of another tiresome week of work. The way back home went on and on, like you weren't even getting close while all you craved was to bundle up in your covers and fall into a deep sleep until everything was right again. Your head hurt from all the noise, your eyes hurt from all the light, your legs hurt from all the stairs you had to climb but at long last you reached your final destination - your front door. Rustling of your keys was the only thing you could focus on, you were just so, so close to the peace and quiet of your own home, your hands shaking in anticipation to get that damn key in and turning the lock when you realized...
The door was already open.
It should've scared you - living in Gotham was dangerous at best, and yet, it didn't. The second you walked in, you knew. You sensed it. And only a wave of irritation swallowed your whole being. No concern, no fear - just anger.
You loved him. You really did. You cherished every moment spent with him. You really did. You craved his company, even more than he craved yours sometimes. You really did. But today... Today you had no strength left to deal with his antics.
– Hi diddle diddle, let me greet you with a riddle! – was his way of saying 'hello' and it wasn't anything unusual, he was The Riddler after all. It wasn't even the first time (and definitely not the last) he snuck into your home to surprise you after work - although it wasn't much of a surprise nowadays. The whole situation was really just a normal, almost day-to-day occurence to you and yet today, it filled you with such unexplicable infuriation you didn't even have the words to express it.
– Not today, Ed. – that was all you could muster, bags dropping to the floor along with your last ounces of energy as you dragged your feet on the very slow, and very tiresome journey to get to your only destination - the bedroom.
Until he jumped right in front of you, ruffled like he's been lounging in your apartment for hours - which wasn't that impossible at all - with that damn bright smile plastered on his face. Or was it a devious smirk? Probably a smirk.
– Tired much, hm? Well, I'm sure you could muster the strength to rack your brains for one answer, don't you think? – he was rambling on with that perfect timbre of his and keeping you away from the one fucking thing you needed and if he didn't step back right this instance-
No, he stepped closer, lean form slightly towering, blue eyes shining bright, arms slithering up yours.
– Answer me, and I'll reward you with a kiss. – he must've thought that was the best encouragement. And on any other day, it might be. But not today. – What do you get when you cross a fish and drumsticks?
He shone you a shit-eating grin as he leaned in, the tip of his nose touching yours and it took everything in you not to grab him by the throat and slam him into the ground. He didn't even do anything, but it was so annoying you were about to burst.
– I'm not in the mood. – he should've taken that last warning you offered him, he should've backed off. But apparently, you were expecting too much from him.
– Aw, come on, that one's on kindergarten level. – he had the cheek to fucking tut at you – I know you're not that stupid, it isn't hard. Just think.
That was the last straw.
– Well, since you're always saying I am that stupid, why should I even try?! Or maybe you're the dumb one? Can't you understand that I'm tired?! – you just... exploded. You screamed and shoved and fought your way to the bedroom tooth and nail, without a single glance behind to see his face fall at your outburst.
It wasn't fair. You knew that. He was just being his usual excited self, he had done nothing wrong, but you just couldn't stand it. Being called stupid was the last thing you needed after a day like this and you didn't want to scream but you just couldn't take it anymore and now you were crying into your pillow like a fucking child and-
You heard him before you saw him, his feet shuffling carefully into your room, stopping practically right at the door. Like he was scared to approach you just yet.
– Are you-... – it took a good few moments before he tried to break the silence but you were already speaking over him.
– Sorry. I'm sorry. I just-, it was a bad day for me, okay? – you croaked not even looking him in the eyes, your body laying limp on the bed. That outburst really took away the last bit of strength you might've had, fatigue taking over once more to the point where even taking a slightly deeper breath exhausted you to no end.
Your remorse, however, seemed to give Edward some of the briefly lost courage and flashed him a green light to go and approach you.
– It's okay. – his tone was condescending and his bodyweight dipped the bed so low when he sat that you practically tumbled into his thighs but he was trying. He was trying to comfort you the best way he knew how and you had to give him credit for that. Especially after you lashed out at him.
But you were glad he understood. That he made your guilt lessen. That he increased your humor, if only a little bit, as his arms slowly circled your frame and pulled you into his lap, his fingers drumming on your shoulders.
It lasted barely a minute or two befre he started humming (as off-key as it gets), writhing under you, slowly sliding down while simultaneously pulling you up to his chest, but it's the thought that counts. It's the fact that he even bothered to try and bring you some calm.
– Fishsticks. – he blurted out once the silence started getting to him. It was so completly random you just had to ask, confusion replacing the fatigue.
– The answer. It was fishsticks. – of course that's what he meant – I made us fishsticks for dinner. And puree. And a salad. – of course he rambled on, sounding like he was scared of disturbing your momentary peace but unable to keep himself quiet any longer. He was always talking, never quiet. And, despite others finding that annoying, the rumble of his chest as random words slipped from his honeyed lips could put you to sleep any time of the day.
Not today, though. Of course.
– There's a Family Feud marathon on TV-... – well, that was just taking it a step too far.
– No. I'm not moving.
It was surprising he could even understand you, seeing as your already slurred words were muffled by the fabric of his shirt, but he didn't call himself a genius for nothing.
– No, no! I will carry you. Along with the blanket! You can still sleep there. – he immediately jumped at the mere oppurtunity of you saying 'yes', and how could you say no to an offer like that? Although you doubted you'll get any sleep with Edward watching Family Feud, it was still more than you could ask for to brighten up your mood.
And at long last, things were finally starting to look better for you.
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give-baek-my-love · 4 years
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Can We Try Again? (1)
Characters: Namjoon X Y/N (ft. Jin) 
Genre: Angst/Fluff 
Chapter: 1, 
Description: After ten years since your broke up with your first boyfriend, Namjoon, you meet him again ten years later, and as you are on the search the answer to the iconic question ‘Can exes stay friends?’ you find yourself constantly questioning whether or not you did the right thing ten years ago. On top of that, you’re now faced with a new question, ‘Can we try again?’ 
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“Can exes stay friends?” Now that’s a very controversial question that you’ve seen many people on the internet debate on. “It depends. If both of them have moved on, then staying as friends seems doable.” One side would argue. “No. How can you just lose feelings for someone that you once loved and be able to act like friends again? Impossible. You’ll always carry some sort of feelings towards them which will make it impossible to simply see the other as ‘just friends.’’ The other side would argue. Both sides presenting very reasonable and logical explanations, but when the same question is asked your answer is…
(10 Years Ago) Your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, Namjoon,  and you were seated side by side on the swing sets at your middle school playground. By ‘soon-to-be,’ this is because he was just notified today that he was accepted into the prestigious IB program that he had so badly wanted to get into. Although the white lie ‘we can try to make long distance work,’ could have sufficed the heartache that started building from within the moment that he told you the news, you knew deep down, that this relationship would have to come to an end. You had heard about how tiresome and intense this program was, and you knew that for him find the time to talk  and meet up with you would be close to impossible. This was going to be it. “Do you think that exes can be friends?” He asked as he stared down at his feet, struggling to find the willpower to look at you. You debated on lying to him, but seeing that the two of you had known each other for such a long time, he would have seen right through you. “No. I don’t think so.” You said as calmly as you could while turning to meet his sadden eyes. Although you were only at the age of fourteen, you had met your boyfriend at 8 years old and had instantly fallen in love with him, or at least felt what seemed like the love that Disney princesses felt in movies. Your heart broke as you saw his eyebrows furrow with pain followed by a pout on his face. Even though you knew that this break up was inevitable, no amount of prep talk that you’ve been doing could have made this day any easier. “Do you?” You asked in the calmest voice possible while gripping onto the metal straps of the swing tightly, hopelessly hoping that it would help you suppress any amount of pain that you were feeling. The two of you sat in complete silence as the sound of the little kindergarteners playing in the park were in the background. “We can still be friends.” He finally said, in the softest and gentlest voice that you’ve ever heard. Those words instantly sent tears down your face because you knew. This was it. The break up was going to happen. You were going to have to say goodbye to your best friend and first love, and there was nothing that you could do that would stop it. You simply just had to accept it. The sound of you sobbing were like nails on a chalkboard, painful and uncomfortable. He quickly got off the swing, and crouched down in front of you so that he was now at eye level with you. “Hey. It’s okay.” He comforted, pulling your hands from the metal ropes and onto your lap with his hands enveloping yours. You wished that you could say something, but nothing but tears and sobs could come out. You were guessing that the children had left the park after hearing you cry because you could no longer hear their squeals or feet stomping on the park, rather all that you could hear was him repeatedly saying that it was going to be okay while he occasionally wiped your tears away. Finally, the tears came to an end and you stared blankly at his face, hoping to take in all his facial features and admire the face of the boy that you fell so deeply in love with for as long as you possibly can. He stared at you with a sweet smile and a fond tender look in his eyes that for even just a minute made your worries disappear. A unique power that only he could have on you. Hoping to break the saddened atmosphere, you tried to make a joke, “I think I just scarred those kids for life.” He snorted and shook his head in amusement, “This is why I love you Y/N. What am I going to do without you?” “Shut up don’t make me cry again.” You warned as you wiped the last bit of your tears dry. Although it wasn’t necessarily a, instant break up, nothing more was needed to be said for the both of you to know that the relationship was going to eventually come to an end the moment that the next school year started. Without much of a word needed, the two of you made a silent agreement that with whatever time that the two of you had left, it would be spent wisely with as little tears shed as possible. Even though fourteen was a very young age, neither of you doubted that you were both in love, however the relationship just seemed to have ran its course.
Or at least that’s what you thought.
(Present Day)
Now at the age of twenty-four, freshly graduated from university, you by some lucky chance got hired back from the company that you had worked for last summer. As oppose to most of your friends who only took four years in university, you needed an extra year and graduated with a bachelor of science specializing for actuarial science. You didn’t necessarily care about the number of years that it took you, because you were just glad that this company was happy to take you back. It feels nice to be able to work in a more familiar environment and with people that you had previously worked with. Once you stepped into the main entrance of the building, you were greeted by Emily, one of the employees at the front desk that you had gotten very close with, and even went out on a few dinner dates with a couple of other co-workers. She guided you to the photo booth where you were required to take a new picture for your employee badge as she updated you on the new employees that were added to your department at work. “I heard that there’s this new guy that the company brought back from Asia. He had been working there for a little over a year that’s why you haven’t met him yet, but apparently he’s a real cutie and smart. He graduated after only going to university for three years and became a supervisor in just two years.” She nudged you as she linked your arms whilst the two of you walked towards the elevators. However, you weren’t paying much attention to her, instead you were staring excitingly at your new employee badge. With this marks a new era to your life Y/N. We’re growing the fuck up. “Hello? Y/N? Did you hear anything that I said?” Emily asked as she nudged you again. 
Ding.
“Hm? Yeah. New guy from Asia.” You mumbled as the elevator doors open and the two of you walked in. “Yeah. He seems like your type. Should I set you up? I know someone from human resources who can help me get his phone number.” She winked. This time it was your turn to nudge her, “Hey. Don’t be a creep. No. I’m not really interested in dating anyways. I’m just going to try and do my job well and start paying off my student debts.” You laughed as she mumbled something about you being no fun. Ding. The elevator rang again it reached your department’s floor. “Hey Y/N! Great to see you back.” Jin greeted you with a bright smile the moment that he saw you and Emily walk out of the elevator. After the three of you each took your turns sharing how their weekends went, Emily escorted you to your new desk where you saw a cute new pot of aloe plant presented right beside your computer screen with a big red ribbon wrapped around the plant’s pot. “Thank you.” You turned to Emily, knowing very well no one but her would give such thoughtful gifts. As Jin argued with Emily about how he never got a plant from her, you settled down and hung your bag by the side of the desk, staring amusingly at the pictures of you and Emily along with some other co-workers at a dinner a couple of weeks back. “Oh Y/N. I forgot to tell you I have a friend that I want you to meet, he works in your department. He recently just came back from Asia-“ “Oh. My. God. You’re friends with him? I was just telling Y/N about him.” Emily squealed with so much excitement that you stared at her filled with confusion. Is this guy really good looking or something? “Really? I was thinking of the same thing too!” He laughed. “Are you guys trying to sell me off or something? I don’t need a boyfriend right now.” You sighed as you plopped yourself down into the chair now staring up at Emily and Jin talking away about how this mystery guy is ‘so your type.’ “Okay. Y/N at least hear me out. He’s young. He’s your age. He’s a bachelor. Smart. Single. Good looking. Need I say more?” He asked waving his hand into the air. You figured that instead of trying to fight with him, you just let him continue talking while your mind wandered off for the first time in a very long time, to someone that you once knew who was very good looking and smart. As it finally came time to start working, the three of you resigned to your own work space and you were filled in by one of your co-workers on what tasks you would be taking on for the month. You were told that your supervisor would help you out and tell you in more detail on what you needed to do for the end of week meeting, but by the time it came for lunch, your supervisor was nowhere to be seen but even so, you worked as productively as possible. You happily joined Emily and Jin who were already at one of the table in the cafeteria, gossiping yet again about this friend of his. Shaking your head in disapproval, you turned towards the food stalls to go look for food. As you looked around the assortment of food options with nothing capturing your attention, you pulled out your phone and decided to order from one of your favourite Vietnamese restaurants nearby on Ubereats. However, you were too engrossed on what to order on your phone that you didn’t see that someone was walking towards you until you bumped right into their chest causing your phone to fall onto the ground. “Oh. I’m so sorry.” You quickly apologized turned to the strangers face. Oh. But it wasn’t a stranger standing in front of you. He was anything but a stranger. The man now standing right in front of you, gave you the same sweet smile that he had once given you ten years ago. The exact same smile that melted your heart ten years ago, and still after all these years has the power to melt it all oer again. He was taller now, much taller than before, at least a head taller than you. He also looked much more mature. Grown up. Handsome nonetheless. These ten years must have treated him real nice. “Hi Y/N.” He greeted in a dark and calm voice. You should have said something, anything would have been nice, but you were too shocked to even let out the breath that you were holding in. It wasn’t until Emily and Jin rushed to your side that you realized that you were probably just staring awkwardly at him without saying a single spoken word. “Y/N are you okay?” Emily asked as she picked up your phone from the ground while you and him never once broke eye contact. “Hey. You okay?” She asked again, now in a whisper as she nudged the phone into your hand. You mumbled a simple yes, suddenly becoming hyperaware by how long you and him were holding each other’s stare, causing your cheeks to flush in a deep red colour. “Oh! Y/N just in time. This is my friend that I was talking about! His name is-“ Jin started. “Namjoon. Kim Namjoon. But you already knew that didn’t you Y/N?” He smirked. A little too well. It almost amazed you just how confident he looked staring amusingly at you, as if he didn’t care that other people were watching. It suddenly felt as if the two of you were in your own world. Somehow the longer you stared, the more you felt yourself turning back to your fourteen-year-old self, a past that you tried so hard to get over. The Y/N that often blushed whenever her eyes met Namjoon’s. The Y/N who attended math club with Namjoon just so that she could spend more time with him. And more importantly the Y/N who was deeply and madly in love with fourteen-year-old Namjoon. Before you could even muster the courage to say anything to him or Emily and Jin, Namjoon straightened out his suit and said, “Ah. I almost forgot to add. Welcome to the team Y/N. I’m your new supervisor.” He smirked as he extended his hand. Oh no. Oh no no no.
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theurbansquared · 3 years
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Guide To Avoiding A Loser Brokerage
by James Hill | theurbansquared
Brokers can be bastards and some even get better at it while other brokers are legitimate life-changing business Sherpas
A broker is supposed to guide you through a career in real estate much like a coach or pimp - offering protection and how to understand a complicated system better and direct it to revenue  without getting your neck broke while playing the game. I created and ran the most well-reviewed, largest full-service brokerage in the fastest-growing city in America.  This gave me access to nearly ever broker and their broker's pay structure and innovations. I also got the agent's version of my same broker buddies brokerages when they eventually joined my brokerage; hovering anywhere from 20–60 agents. Trending insider chatter has blame going to real estate brokers of decades past (and current) and how they’ve managed their agents - - letting unsupervised  agents with no experience run wild on the streets practicing on the public wearing out Realtor love and making a need for all the Mountain Dew-made Zillow-y options that currently exist.
Brokers are out of touch more than ever with today’s current media load, having to understand and use social media platforms for their advertising (since the private Town & Country affair that real estate once was is forever over and the landscape is a bit more like a half Juggalo, half programmer flea market).
Let’s dive into some situations and tenets that most agents don’t consider when choosing a brokerage.
Sales Volume
This is a bit of negotiating psychology and due diligence. Simply ask how much sales they (the brokerage) did last year and how much they’re currently at. If they don’t know these numbers they’re goons. If they don’t give it, you guessed it - they’re hiding something; their lack of revenue. I’ve hired and fired hundreds of agents and in interviews so few ask this question but it’s one of the most important questions you can ask as an agent and you need the information. An agent that doesn’t ask this has already given a tell that they’re not a top producer since they’re not interested in the production capacity of the team they may join. No bueno. Creep the brokerage as well obvi -- reviews, FB & IG engagement and current running ads, and make sure the company Christmas Party isn’t catered by Chic-fil-a at a Burnet Road dive bar.
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Office
40% of your learning and 350% of your work will be done at the office. Those numbers will make sense 90% of the time after a few years in real estate. The rest should be on the streets - your car, properties, driving 75 mph talking and sending out docs, gorging on breath mints. Office, home, tiny homes, motorhomes have all blended into one larger conversation where work/live ethos are all in re-definition.
But, when you do need a more savvy moment in any market when people talk about borrowing or selling something that’s over $100K they don’t want to hear some bullshit too loud pedantic conversation seated right next to them at Starbucks or the local kooky coffee shop. In real estate Murphy’s Law is always in effect. The super important listing sign off that has to go well and they want to hear you pitch again before deciding? There will be someone (at this super ‘caj’ coffee house meeting) there projectile vomiting, or throwing cats, or something else tiresome or bad that takes more calls.
Speech and body language are massive parts of sales so when the entire set is thrown because a barista is running through a whole Sublime album. You want the most inviting cool office you can ever pull off at any given moment in real estate . Was that ever a question? There's a balance  -- you can't afford that year one or three, but it’s called real estate for a reason. Sexy, exciting buildings is what the brochure said when I joined. Also, it’s about style not size.
If you haven’t lost business to coffee house back pressure you really haven’t failed at agency properly.
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Social IQ
Social reach is the only conversation now. Many brokerages won’t make it as the lead generating aspects of the industry aren't powered by a private MLS anyone and the publicly-hated ‘Realtor’ designation have both brokers and agents guessing about tomorrow. Calendars, best practices and free shitty tips & templates are the du jour of the day for anyone trying to get an agent's eyes. You can Google and get all the ‘basic’ social media dance steps, but with everyone at the same happy hunting spot, you’re being covered up, which leaves all your new artistic efforts fruitless and also squandering winning time.
Traffic, leads and engagement are all separate areas that have to be fulfilled properly and even this is in flux with historic corporations and current start ups all on the same advertising playing field. Social reach and engagement is about going to the consumer direct and becoming their friend with soft bribes -- free food, gifts, prizes (trips, events tickets) or industry work tools. The great news is, real estate has always been mostly consumer direct - start up a convoy at the grocery store (bar, church, meetup) and you’re in the car that weekend looking for houses with a new client. While you, your brokerage and the world are figuring out their exact social media mix, you need to make sure a brokerage isn’t lost on social media since many won’t be able to stay in business in the next few short years. Your brokerage needs to have a plan and and at best some presence on social media. Plus, they should be running low-cost performative marketing ad campaigns to get a feel for what and if set user groups are responding to ads. Anyone can post on IG but people engage on IG when they become inspired. A brokerage should have some sort of inspiration and relationship tied in with the local allure of their city --  or heading that direction.
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Mentoring
Much like a neurotic buyer chasing an interest rate for their home mortgage (and then never buying a house) agents too focused on commission may miss the essential career need for mentoring -- for their clients and career. I had a 5 deal minimum for my new agents before they were ever unsupervised and received more commission. I've had new agents with celeb clients in hand and celeb agents with no clients in hand. No one wants to do business with someone with absolutely has no, experience but they do it because they like you as a friend or fam. Your mentor is the person riding shotgun with you at the beginning of your career. On many levels you want to be this person since they embody the position and role. You're literally and figuratively are borrowing experience from them and they deserve to be paid for it. You always have to strengthen your brand outside of your brokerage but if you don’t have any experience your brand doesn’t have ‘strength’ you simply have a logo and a drag & drop website where you're possibly talking about yourself and love of unicorns or football shit but the big boat deals you dream about in bed aren’t gotten this way. Remember, no unicorn could ever throw a football good without a lot of practice and a good mentor.
Support
Support in a brokerage is really communication and solutions for small problems, and systems for managing bigger ones with people. Most of the annoying things in real estate happen outside of the deal - contracts, calls, emails, docs, signatures, more docs. You typically want a super admin, broker, or agent manager that you can call and they pick up the phone. It’s pretty simple. With a mentor, admin, or broker you’re going to have a n 8:30 PM question or deal that’s going down. You’ll need printer help. Real estate always happens now (this was one of the main mantras in my office). Printing, prequal, weekend support and constant post dinner shenanigans.
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Training
Meet Frank Miller, David Mamet, the Sex Pistols, Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Hendrix, Tom Hopkins, The World’s Greatest Detective and Conan The Barbarian. We had a lot of different inspirations for the style and ethos of our urban brokerage. The World’s Greatest Detective is Batman. It was a moniker that became popular in the seventies. We used this example about how important due diligence and proper Fact Finding techniques are for serving and closing deals for clients. (It’s almost essential to be inquisitive in real estate esp about property/development to have success). Training is largely your sales meeting(s). Although I don’t come from a car background I’ve mentored many car guys transferring to real estate (they typically are out of the industry within 2 years and are there only for boom markets). Car guys have meetings every morning 6 days a week and they’re not at 9 or 10 am. They’re already working.
free module: The Burger King Phenomena: Why Agents Do Less Working For Themselves Than If They Were Working At Burger King
Many brokerages have no training/meeting schedule (monthly doesn’t count -- that’s a meet and greet company pump and catch up meeting). If a brokerage doesn’t have training on a schedule then there is no training. You’ll possibly be thrown a 3-ring binder, or given some PDF’s, or links to old bizarre training videos or a soup sandwich of all three and sometimes even a bill for the training. An agent’s training/meetings and their attendance to them are the difference between an agent making it or not when you’re 24 months or less in the role as an agent especially in the fast turbulent waters of the current 2021 market where brokerage and agent purpose and pay are under attack. From my experience, new agents that hide die.
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Media
Having a background as a creative director I’m aware with great detail of agency and brokerage media needs, the cost and time they extract, and the corresponding revenue they’re projected to bring back. Brokerages are looking for their purpose now as simply having a brokerage doesn’t bring in leads like it used to. This is fitting, since the digital dumbass brokers that that didn’t understand the importance of ‘the web’ rickshawed our MLS data and sold the agent/broker centric real estate system for their benefit while current agents are left with an empty greasy enough to-go box to curl up with. Brokerages were never media houses or ad agencies but now that consumer level graphic programs and website builders are ubiquitous and any agent after being licensed for 10 days can drag & drop a website up in 4 hours and make it look like a brokerage that’s been around for years. I know I’m going wide on the subject here but stay with me because this is the crux of where the industry and consumer are renegotiating roles.
A brokerage’s value proposition has changed drastically with the telecommute revolution that was only sped and strengthened by Covid. Also, generational knowledge base gaps in technology are more apparent than ever with technology as younger agents can often be more media savvy than their broker. The market is flooded with self appointed companies or gurus that are taking on the role of the classic ad agency (Mad Men) or media production house. Also beware of real estate coaches with little or no real estate experience offering to guide you in social media. Okay media can’t be used in apex situations (such as the luxury listings you’re after) and doesn’t draw apex listings. Beware of tapioca room temperature tips and general lists from companies that can appear informative but are really boilerplate low grade data to get your attention to ultimately upsell you on a paid service.
As an agent or a brokerage, consumer level graphic and website building programs can be a death ticket to your business as your competitors have the same tools and are cranking out the same type of style of messaging you are now. Now agents, principals, admins and in art class creating flyers. This has been done since the nineties as the valleys of dead agent careers is full of 2-day Microsoft Word (or any of their shitty office offerings) seshes to produce nasty flyers and presentations. These programs are fun and making bad flyers absolutely work related - the kind of work you don’t want’ related to your business because it’s adult crayon coloring. Activity does not equal production. Staying busy doing the wrong things doesn’t make money in real estate. Rather than spending agent winning time staying in the wrong lanes for way too long, get with a team or brokerage that are providing the most exceptional visual media you can find in your market. It used to be cool 2 years ago, now it’s the only thing that matters. Visual content.
free module: Better Agent Media, Less Agent Money (media tips and hacks).
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Access
This is access to your broker. Brokers with families are typically less available. Your best bet as an agent is looking for a grinder broker who sleeps on the couch at their office. This person doesn’t have kids to build into so they’ll build into your career and you’ll get the most out of these brokers. Beware of cheesedick, apathetic, rich boy, bored brokers not around and more concerned with projects like a shitty vanity wine brand that their wife’s forced them to launch since she’s not living her best life anymore as an agent.
Style
What kind of style is your brokerage? Is there an opportunity to bring more style sophistication to the market -- standout in a smaller market? Or, are you in an ultra stylish market currently and butt hurt because you already have a little story about how you’re going to keep it real and be a Dockers wearing slob for eternity? The thing about style in agency is you always need to look like you can list a million dollar house. Oh, is it really that simple? Yes it is. You complicated it. Clients always care about their housing a little bit more than they care about your real estate career. They don’t have time to figure out why you’re wearing shoe styles from 7 years ago. Don’t make it hard for people to do business with you. If you’re ugly, even better. It can be a massive advantage. Everyone on the planet loves when someone who doesn’t fall into our general current ‘attractive’ spectrum doesn’t give af, looks great and puts themselves together in a stylish way that the viewer can understand (can I get away with Teen Wolf?). A great side benefit from this step in the right direction is it’s a great way to make someone who is conventionally attractive insecure.
You want to be in the same style as the people in your area but the secret is you need to lead that style pack if you can -- you always lead and dress apex. Years ago this was anecdotal but after over 100K hours in real estate a good suite (tailored) saved my ass and literally got me business. I listed the largest house in east Austin because of a suit (and got a front page story on the newspaper real estate section for free because the owner saw me walking into the next door neighbor’s house).
Offices, dress, logo, email signature are all elements of you and your brokerage’s style. Style in and of itself isn’t enough to be a top producer in real estate. I’ve had stylish and even celebrity agents that didn't do zilch, but style often is a fingerprint to something more.
Picking the right elements for your agent style is an art because you have to offer something from yourself that’s unique enough as well as something familiar (a bridge to your uniqueness). I have a background as a musician and also as a merchant sailor. Fortunately those are easy convo starters. You could be a philatelist and have some challenges, but regardless it absolutely will take a year or three to develop your own angle and style towards the market as you learn it and the agent role more.
Things that look attractive and familiar puts client’s psychologies at ease. So, if skinny jeans are in you better get in them (that’s like five years old now). You’re on stage. You don’t wear what the worker people behind the camera wear. If you want to wear boring shit get on the other side of the camera. If you want less leads saddle up to a forgettable brokerage. People have hard days. They want you to put an effort into your real estate agency role. Currently it’s a fried role so you’re dealing with that too. People love to be smiled at and sold and especially from someone who smells good. It doesn't ever get old. Don’t make them beg for your charm. Be a nice charming person with a shirt that fits good, it’s a powerful combo.
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Get My Damn Paper
If you’ve never seen a werewolf in daylight mess with an agent’s commission after the deal’s done and funded. Admin? Who is the damn person who does the admin? (accounts payable is the icey pro word if you like). That person that you contact to get your commission check cut? If that person is a weirdo, or there’s an unfriendly or sketchy quality to the office or admin staff, do not go forward (don’t confuse this with new people or industry jitters). Grab some free coffee, leave the smarm and jet to the next brokerage blind date.
Software
CRM is an annoying conversation. Here’s the things with CRM’s - for all the work CRMs curtail, because of their complexity and existence and the work(time) they take to interact with you need to consider how much work you’re putting into operating the CRM software verses how much time it’s saving. Many times brokerages have expensive yearly subscriptions with per agent fees for their CRM which can make the brokerage have a zealot meth thing for the ‘team’ software and promise you can’t have a career without taking a bump too. To understand CRM better before it was a name, Client Relationship Management is what analog Proximity became. Let me explain -  being close to people in Church, bar, school, same building -- all give proximity. This becomes familiarity, then ease, then trust. People do business with people they trust & like. Once people disconnected physically and started using other means more contact attempts have to be made to work for or ‘prove’ worth.
Follow Up is a large component of most CRM’s and there are gobs of money for agents who follow up meticulously. Simply ask the broker what CRM they use and research it. Something to remember - unless you’re extremely busy with your career you don’t need a CRM. You can manage & database your clients & leads ‘by hand’ and strap it to the cloud with G-Suite/Google Sheets.
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Brokerage Name
A small but important aside, if a brokerage have named themselves after a precious metal or a gem, or if it says elite in the name then it’s not elite. If it has the words prestige or worldwide or international it may not be any of those either. I know a handful of exceptions to this rule but this is a great dirty primer to use when choosing a brokerage that’s going to propel your career and have shrimp options at the Christmas Party.
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