#I think the worst part about it is that yeah…it’s about generational trauma of course. “this happened to me therefore it has to happen to

[letsdeerintheheadlightsuniverse]

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Pairing: Izzy Hands x gn!reader

Synopsis: Will Izzy's guilt continue to drive him away from being by your side or will he finally accept the light and free himself from the brewing darkness within?

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who voted. I hope this is everything you want! This chapter follows the events of the Bonus Anti-Hero chapter, so if you haven't read it, you can follow the 'previous chapter' link above.

Content Warning: Knives, mention of injuries, trauma, vomiting, mentions of drowning, blood, begging for death and angst. I think that's everything. This series is 18+, so minors dni. Go away (politely).

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE DO NOT REPOST, REPUBLISH, OR TRANSLATE MY WORK ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION. I DO NOT OWN OFMD OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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"I can't do this, Captain." you admitted through gritted teeth, as you leaned heavily onto the bucket you cradled between your legs.

You were in Hell. Actually Hell. So sure you had died upon the treacherous waves and were now bring subjected to the worst of tortures. Perhaps that was why you were yet to see Izzy yet. Despite his own harsh opinions of himself, you truly believed that Israel Hands was a good man. Maybe even one of the best you had had the good fortune of meeting, during your travels across the seven seas. No, someone as loyal- albeit, sometimes misguided and stubborn in their decisions- would be in Hell alongside you.

The co-captain could tell you were struggling and damn it, he felt completely powerless to ease your suffering. He himself was no stranger to infected wounds and all the delightful symptoms that entailed. The fever, the shivers, the nausea- all played a part in the general unpleasantness that came with an injury. "You have to, okay? I know you want to give up right now but you can't. Just be brave for me a little bit longer, yeah?" not a wordsmith by nature, he was doing his best to comfort you. Was that not what Edward had always craved when he had fallen ill on Hornigold's ship? Just someone to hold his hand and tell him it was going to be alright. Such a simple request that had been denied to him time and time again. Of course, then he had met Izzy but that was a walk down memory lane for another time. "That's it, there you go. You're okay." the small circles he rubbed into your back, were most welcome, while to once again coughed your guts up into the bucket. "What's the diagnosis, doc?" Edward focused his attention upon the other man present in the room.

"The wounds infected. Looks like there's pus gathering. Probably going to have to drain it. Truthfully," there was a pause as the medical professional chose his words carefully. "things are going to get a lot worse before it gets better." he had seen wounds worse than the one inflicted upon your body. Though certain you would live to see your next voyage, the gentleman was still exercising extreme caution when it came to treating you. One small mistake or negligence on his part and it would be lights out for you. "I'm also concerned about the fever and vomiting but let's focus on one thing at a time."

"Captain, it'd be quicker just run me through with a sword."

"And probably less painful." the doctor joked, hoping to add some lightness to the dire situation but his quip did not garner the jovial response he had been hoping for. Instead, Ed glared daggers at him. Oh, if looks could kill, the sliver of a men would have been dead a thousand times over. "Ahem, anyway. I'll go an prepare my tools. I won't be long." he excused himself, wanting to make a hasty retreat. Ed's reputation preceeded him and the doctor just prayed that he made it out of this house all with all of his bones intact and fingers still attached to his body.

Upon his exit, you heard a murmured exchange between him and another in the hallway but your focus was on the raging fire that engulfed your entire being and the churning in your stomach, that threatened to provoke another round of coughing up your guts.

"How're ya hanging in there, kid?" though his words were good-humoured, there was a undeniable tenderness in your Captain's actions, as he brought a cool wash cloth to your fash, washing away any rogue spittle from around your mouth. It felt almost perverse to have the legendary Blackbeard dote upon you in your time of need but hey, you were not going to start counting chickens. You were just grateful to be a part of a misfit crew, who cared about one another and that you could call family.

"Just fucking kill me already, Captain." you all but begged, already struggling under the immense physical exertions of your current symptoms. Though not known to be a coward by nature, you were fully prepared to be removed from the rotation of existence, if it meant forgoing the experience of more afflictions upon your persons.

Oh, how the pirate knew the wanting of death well. How many times had he begged Izzy to out him out of his misery, during their time together on the Queen Anne? Hell, Ed had literally handed the First Mate a gun and giaded the man to shoot him right there and then, when he had been in the wicked grasps of the Kraken. "Mmm, can't do that. Sorry." he replied almost playfully, trying to lighten the mood slightly, as he aimed to pull your thought process away from such dark desires.

"Fuck you, then. I guess." you grumbled miserably, wondering if Izzy had been by your side, would he have relented to your request? Perhaps if you annoyed him enough, he may have run you through with his sword.

"You heard the doc, it'll 'get worse before it gets better'. Just gotta weather this storm and then it'll be...fuck, what's the metaphor Stede uses? Oh, yeah! Sunny skies!"

"Yeah, no offence but Captain Stede isn't the one who's about to have his arm fucking-"

====

"Drained? Oh...that doesn't sound very pleasant." Stede grimaced, nose and mouth scruching in that irritating way, that never failed to irk the First Mate, whom stood diligently beside him.

"It's not. It's incredibly painful. I'll try and administer some kind of mild sedative to help lower the pain levels but really, some decent rum will probably take the edge off better." the doctor further explained, his gaze shifting between the two men. There was something incredibly unnerving about the way the silver-haired pirate continued to stare daggers at him. What was it with this crew and having murderous expressions?

"Izzy's got a bottle of rum. Haven't you, Iz? It looked unopened too, right?" of course Stede fucking Bonnet had noticed such a minor detail. Man was a total idiot when it came to things about piracy but give him a brief insight into your lodgings and suddenly, the twat had a photographic memory. Upon hearing the doctor's prognosis, Izzy wished he was black out drunk right about now.

This was his fault. Everything you were about to experience. Every second of pain, any blood you had needlessly shed, whatever horrors you were about to face at the hands of this twatty doctor- it was all Izzy's fault, he decided.

"Get the patient to drink some. In the meantime, I'm going to go and prepare my tools and-"

"(Y/N)." Izzy's sharp tone cut across the doctor's explanation like the knife he was about to go sterilise.

"Pardon?"

Stede almost smirked at the unwarranted hostility. Izzy might have thought his was covert in concealing his feelings for you, but in reality, the man was an open book. Who else would the silver-haired pirate borderline snarl a warning at for forgoing the usage of someone's name? Well, that just proved that you were not a mere 'someone' to the First Mate.

"Their name is (Y/N), not 'patient'."

====

"Hey...hey, C-Captain?" you gasped between another round of vomiting. How was it even still possible for you to be emptying the contents of your stomach? Surely, there was nothing left to generate into...

Edward winced as you bent over the bucket once more, this time merely dry heaving. A sheen of sweat covered your body and soaked through your flimsy shirt and linen trousers- all hand-me-downs from the crew, after you had already perspired through your own attire. Though you felt warm to the touch, you shivered as if you were made of ice. In conclusion, you looked like shit. "Yeah, kid?"

Under normal circumstances, you would have been hesitant to make any kind of request to the Captain but desperate times called for desperate measures. Having been stripped of your pride and dignity, you had no inhibitions when you beseeched the silver-haired pirate to fulfil your only desire. "Can...can you get Izzy, please? I..."

====

"I'm not going." it had to be said that Israel Hands was many things but never would have Stede labelled the great swordsman to be a coward, especially when it came to matters involving you. Sure, he often- okay, always- shied away from divulging his true feelings to you but that did not make him a coward, so to speak. The co-captain understood how difficult it was to admit your innermost desires to the one you so adored. Goodness knew he had literally fled back to his wife and kids, just to hide away from how he truly felt about one, Edward "Blackbeard" Teach.

However, repressed feelings or not, there was absolutely no need for Izzy to be digging in his heels now. Especially when Stede had asked the silver-haired pirate so nicely to accompany him to your room. "Oh really? And why's that exactly?" he huffed. Whatever the excuse, Stede was not going to let Izzy off the hook so easily. His presence was required and by he'll or by highwater, Stede was going to deliver the First Mate to your bedside. Maybe he could ask Fang to carry Izzy down the hallway?

Even Izzy had to admit, his wanting to remain locked away in his lodgings was a weak excuse at best. Truthfully, he had no real reason for wanting to stay away, other than to wallow in his own brooding. The guilt of knowing that your injuries were the culmination of his past actions and the ill-judged decisions during the storm, was eating away at him. Carving a hollowed space within his chest, where the darkness liked to dwell. That obsidian black, bitter thing. Nothing good was ever born from that corrupted gloom. With each passing moment, it threatened to consume him in his entirety and honestly? Izzy was more than ready to embrace the darkness. When had men like him ever been able to freely enjoy the light? The warmth of innocence was for people like yourself. Fundamentally good and beautifully flawed, not jaded and wicked as him. He had fed another's darkness once, it was time to nurture his own.

Knowing you were alive was enough for Izzy. To see you suffering from the aftermath of your knife wound was a sight he did not need to witness. The image would surely become seared into his retinas. "What use am I going to be, Bonnet? Do I look like a fucking doctor to you?"

There was some truth to his words. What was the point exactly of him playing witness to your agony? He could hardly relieve you of whatever symptoms plagued at current and let's face it, Izzy was not exactly known to be the most...in tune with his feelings. If it was comfort you needed, you were better off with someone like Stede fucking Bonnet or even Fang. Gods, Fang knew how to comfort a person like it was nobody's business. Had the pirate not been the one to hold Izzy in his time of vulnerability? And if Frenchie had not been fighting for his life in the room adjacent to yours, well, he would surely have been first in line to offer a hand to hold.

At the vocalisation of the First Mate's harsh response, Stede's facial expression soften ever so slightly. Maybe that was it, then. He concluded, realising that Izzy's reluctance to be by your side, steamed from his inability to provide you with the level of care he believed you needed. No, deserved. The silver-haired pirate was so overly critical of his own skillset that, he truly did not see all that he could offer to the situation. Give the man a sword and he became a soldier. Ask him to be in attend the bedside of the person he loved most? The man was a bloody mouse.

And it was not as if the feelings were not reciprocated! You were so clearly besotted with the man too. In fact, Stede was in no doubt that Izzy's companionship alone, would bring some joy to your otherwise currently very bleak existence. Perhaps a smile would even be on the cards, if only he could just find a way to lure Izzy down the hallway.

Desperate times called for desperate measures. "FANG!" the Gentleman Pirate called out, much to the confusion of the First Mate. What on earth was he up to now?

====

"Okay, okay, try not to talk, yeah? I hear you, kid. Loud and clear. If it's Iz you want-" a knock at the door interrupted Ed's assurance. Hell, the co-captain was prepared to drag the First Mate by the scruff of his neck if he had to. Anything to get him to darken your door way and finally put an end to his unceasing cycle of guilt. "come in!" his focus was torn away from whoever tentatively opened the door, as your body was wracked with another gagging fit.

The circles rubbing your back in soothing circles faltered momentarily and you found yourself craving the comforting gesture. "Can...can you just get him, please?" you cried, tears streaming down your face, as you sobbed. Damn it, Israel Hands, why were you always so far out of reach, you thought, anguished. "I don't-I don't think I can do this without him. I need him. I fucking need him like I need oxygen. It's easier to breathe when he's around." you doubted your words made any sense but still, you rambled on. Needing Ed to understand just how serious you were in your appeal. If you could have left the room and retrieved the First Mate yourself, you woukd have been down that hallway in a blink of an eye but you were now reliant on the goodwill of another. "He's my Stede." you murmured, hoping the comparison would truly articulate just how important Izzy was to you. "He's my lighthouse. So, please. Please just go get him. Even if he doesnt want to see me. Even if he thinks it's pathetic how much I need him, just go get him. Can you do that, Cap-" you lifted your gaze to finally face your Captain but gone were the familiar brown eyes. Instead, replaced with cerulean blue. A oceanic gaze you had wished to drown in a thousand times over. "Izzy." you murmured between sniffles.

Countless nights had been whiled away, as you fantasised about the seemingly unobtainable opportunity to share a bed with one, Israel Hands. The scenario and setting had always changed depending on your nocturnal preference, but one element was always certain- the First Mate of the Revenge was always, always your bedfellow. Just how Not Safe For Ship the daydream was, depended purely upon how riled up the mere sight of the silver-haired pirate had made you feel throughout your morning duties. Oh Calypso, the things you had imagined doing to that man. Never had you imagined him sitting beside you, playing nurse while you were plagued with fever.

However, there was absolutely nothing alluring or desirable about your current predicament. His hands may have been upon you, but there were no burning touches that sparked a flame of yearning. The only rising temperature was your fever, which continued to climb in numbers and refused to break any time soon. Gods, you felt disgusting. Absolutely putrid. Down right dreadful. To add salt to injury, you looked equally wonderful, too. There was a delightful touch of corpse about your appearance.

You did not have much time to dedicate to your self-deprecating thoughts, as you felt another unpleasant wave of nausea take hold of your senses, forcing you to heave whatever was left within the containment of your stomach. Long gone was the clear broth and crackers. There was no sipped at water left in your system. Hell, even the bile seemed to be running thin now. Soon, you would be gagging on nothing but air and your own tears.

Still, the hand rubbing your back was nice at least.

The wretching gave away to exhaustion. With your body unable to expell any further contents from your stomach, you indulged yourself a little and leaned into your companion's hold. "You're here." you breathed incredulously and despite the agony and torment, you smiled for the first time in...goodness, how many days had you even been occupying the inn? Keeping time had seemed so irrelevant in the grand scheme of simply trying to survive. Nonetheless, you smiled at the pirate. Genuinely thankful that he was now with you. Your beacon of hope, of light. Here to guide you through your darkest hour.

"I..." though being by your side felt as natural as breathing, the truth was a little less romantic. In failing to drag the First Mate to your room himself, Stede fucking Bonnet had enlisted the help of Fang, whom had- quite unceremoniously- carried Izzy down th hallway. All while that twat of a Captain had demanded that the First Mate stop being so stubborn and for once in his life, listen to his heart instead of his head.

Seeing you now, a former shadow of your usually vibrant self, was a difficult sight to process. He had been correct in his earlier reluctance, the image of your chapped, bloody lips and bruised eyes would surely haunt him every time he closed his eyes.

Upon hearing your heartfelt admission, Izzy's mind was in a tailspin. His insticts were telling him to flee, that he should not have been here but maybe, by your beside was the only place for him to be right now. No, Izzy knew in his heart of hearts that, he should have been by your side sooner. Much, much sooner. Except extreme guilt had kept him away. That same guilt was still present, gnawing away at his subconscious like a fiendish creature of insatiable appetites. However, upon hearing you say you needed him- you needed him!- the man had experienced a perspective shift. "I'm sorry I kept you waiting."

"It's okay." you smiled at him. Genuinely smiled at him. There was not disappointment in resent in you tone. Just pure relief that he had finally made it way to your side. Bless the gods, for answering your prayers. The road ahead was going to be one full of pain and distress but with Izzy holding your hand, maybe- just maybe- you would be able to weather the storm and survive long enough to witness those 'sunny skies'. "Just don't leave me again this time, yeah?"

As much as Izzy wanted to address your labelling of him as your 'Stede', the pirate rationalised that there were more important matters at hand. For starters, he realised it would be more productive to seek atonement for his sins, rather than allow himself to be consumed by the darkness, that threatened to drag him down into a never-ending spiral of despair. After all, how could he possibly deny such a heartfelt request from the one he was now eternally indebted to. Gods, you had called him a 'lighthouse', for fucks sake. You bewitching creature, you. In that moment, the First Mate knew, he would follow you to end of the earth, should you ask him so.

He loved you. He loved you, he loved you, he loved you!

The past was unchangeable but Izzy did have some say on how the future could play out. You had needed him that night on the ship and you needed him now. Like hell was he going to let you down a second time. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

[amethystspaceprince]

Finally was able to see Wish. I was expecting it to be bad because of people’s opinions but I did watch it to find my own opinion and it was so bad. These are my thoughts on it I just wanted to get out there. If you really liked the movie well don’t read this then because it’s mostly negative. I just wanted to rant about it.

1 Asha is the most unlikeable character I have ever seen. I don’t think I’ve ever really disliked the main character in a Disney movie and probably in few movies in general. But I could not stand her. I get that she’s young but she was so entitled. Not selfless like they tried to make her out to be. She wanted her grandfather’s wish made and that was the backbone of her stand against Magnifico. Selfish.

2. Magnifico was not a good villain. Sure he was selfish and bad for thinking he could choose what people deserve but he actually did care for his kingdom and it did seem he was trying to protect it. Not every wish can get granted. Bad luck. You wish for something dangerous it can’t be granted. Perhaps rules on how to wish when the person wishes could fix the concept of a wish being too vague to grant. He clearly had trauma from whatever happened in his past so he does get panic quickly when the star lands and o think that was rushed villain arc to try and find an excuse for him to start acting bad. But none of his villainy would’ve happened if Asha never acted selfish.

3. Asha was getting so upset over Magnifico having the wishes for nothing. Magnifico didn’t steal the wishes even though she acted like he did. The wishes were willingly given to Magnifico. If Asha gives someone a birthday gift does she then go and claim that person stole her gift? No. I get that everyone should be able to work towards their wish themselves but they can just do that instead of giving that wish away. They know they’ll forget about it. Asha tells the newcomers about how they forget so she knows that too.

4. The music was Awful! Just awful. I hope I never have to hear it again especially that stupid what I know now song. That was the worst of all of them. And that line “what I are” what a stupid line. I don’t know how to write a song but when I know it’s bad. There were some parts of songs that weren’t too bad but yeah I hated them. I have heard the songwriter had little time to write them and didn’t know the story. Idk if that’s true though.

5. The only thing I liked is what everyone else hated and that’s the art style. I never saw any problems or I saw very few anyway. The art style was a nice change. Not saying I want it permanently done that way but it was nice for one movie at least.

6. The star was cute. But of course the original concept of Wish was a whole lot better than what happened. Perhaps they wanted a fail idk. Why couldn’t we have the original concept :(

[tarisilmarwen]

Rebels Rewatch: “Out of Darkness”

Hera and Sabine go on their mandatory Season One friendship bonding field-trip, only there’s more teeth and less TIE fighters involved in this one lol.

It’s a feature in a lot of kids cartoons to take two members of the cast, typically two that clash or have friction in some fashion, and put them in A Situation in order to help them appreciate and understand each other more, especially in early seasons when the show is busy establishing the myriad of character dynamics and relationships.

Whether or not this understanding sticks varies.  Fortunately in Rebels’ case Status Quo Is Not God, and Hera and Sabine keep the general understanding they came to in this episode throughout the rest of the show.  (This may in fact be part of the reason Hera advocates so hard for her in “Trials of the Darksaber”.)

The Phantom does not have seat belts, so please enjoy Ezra and Sabine clinging for dear life to the cargo seats.

Sabine rolls her eyes a little bit here when Ezra asks to be taught some of Hera’s “high flying moves”.  She is still not impressed by his attempts to sound cool and suave, even if he’s not directly flirting at her, lol.

Still love Ezra’s cute little nod here when Hera asks if he’s ready.

Oh hey!  Death Star trench run cue!

“You may ask.”  Snrk, SUCH a parent line.

We never got the reason behind why Fulcrum’s intel was becoming ah... poorly researched, and given how belly up the last mission they did on bad intel went (”Rise of the Old Masters”) Sabine’s suspicions actually seem very reasonable.

Her broken trust in the Empire led to her loss/estrangement from her first family so you can understand why she’s trepidacious about trusting some stranger she’s never met with the general safety and well-being of her new family, especially since it seems to be under threat more and more.

Sabine goes to sulk in the background there lol.

The animation is super bouncy and loose this episode, which I kinda dig, shows off a lot of character and emotion.

‘course the trade-off is that some of the early budget constraints of the show become unfortunately noticeable.

Zeb and Ezra trying to sneak off and then visibly deflating when Hera calls them. XD  Like a pair of siblings trying to duck out of chores lol.

Sabine lets some anger come out in her tone here, she’s still very hurt by everything that happened to her at the academy, and we can’t be much more than a year or two out from it.

Major Found Family vibes in how she’s acting like a typical rebellious teenage daughter, even lampshaded by the “Learned from the best.” line.

Beyond this one maintenance hallway we don’t see much of what’s on this floor of the Ghost.  I like to think the refresher is probably on this level.

Ahhhh the early days when Chopper was even more of a deliberate menace to Ezra and Zeb. XD  Makes the eventual bond between him and Ezra and how he becomes one of Ezra’s closest confidences even more heartwarming.

And now somehow the three of them are in the second level main hallway.

Lol Hera doesn’t even question her boys trying to murder Chopper.

So this is a case where both parties are technically in the right--the secrecy surrounding Fulcrum is there to protect Sabine from being forced into confessing what she doesn’t know, and protect the wider Rebellion from discovery, but Hera could also stand to trust Sabine a little more given Sabine’s stated trust issues.

This fandom likes to act like keeping secrets (in a clandestine guerilla war type scenario at that) is the worst possible thing to do to another character though, because this fandom is actually very bad at understanding how war works, despite the title of the franchise.

So yeah, I have seen more than one bad take trying to call Hera out for this episode.

I am begging y’all to stop coddling characters’ traumas, just because Sabine has Backstory Problems with being asked to not question superiors and having secrets kept from her does not mean she’s entitled to Hera’s need-to-know information about the wider Rebellion network.

Alright, rant over, let’s get back to the episode.

Fort Anaxes here was originally an asset planned to be used in TWC (and it did eventually see the light of day in the revived Season Seven).  But er... there was kind of a planet attached to this base, and definitely no fragmented asteroid belt.

Does make you wonder what exactly, ah... happened to said location.

I mean besides the obvious “everyone got ate by the nasties”.

(Something to be said for the usage of almost apocalyptic imagery this show has sometimes, familiar locations we know from before are now in ruins, blown up, shattered apart, people living in the rubble.  Layers of untold history, hints at background conflict, artifacts of disaster unsaid but looming present.)

See me being impressed with the camera movement once again, with this sly pan down to the fuel leaking from the shuttle.

I don’t really have anything to say about this conversation, it’s just great.  Just two characters who both have good points trying to understand each other.

Sabine being blunt in how she’s feeling but also holding back so much from the audience, though Hera clearly knows.  Given “Trials of the Darksaber” it’s probably safe to say that Hera’s the only one who actually knows any details about Sabine’s disaster at the academy, which means Sabine has already shown a lot of trust in Hera before and is partly wanting a little reciprocation... which of course Hera can’t give her because it could compromise the Rebellion’s mission.  And Hera probably wishes she could assuage Sabine’s fears more but Hera has always been the one most battle-minded and clinically practical about what they do.  She’s a Rebel leader, she has to manage her assets, make the hard calls.  So she does hint that there IS a larger goal and picture but there’s not much else she can actually do to ease Sabine’s mind here.

There’s no real resolution to the dilemma either, the episode ends without Sabine being brought into the loop, like what might happen on other shows.  It’s a realistic touch, leaves us with a bit of mystery to chew on.

The pain and hurt in Sabine’s voice here is also nicely acted.

Huh, well, turns out I did have something to say about the conversation. XD

Oh, ALSO.  Hera’s little verbal deflection/misdirection when she says, “We--Kanan... he knows what he’s doing.”  Very sneaky.  Part of their whole cover is pretending that Kanan is the one in charge, that he’s the leader, even though it’s clearly Hera.  An extra layer of security to deflect Imperial attention off Hera, make them think she’s just the pilot.

And if you guessed that parts of fandom also took a bad faith interpretation of this ding ding ding you are today’s winner, once again y’all have got to learn how war works.

This music cue here seems to be tied to the fyrnocks, it makes another notable appearance in “Gathering Forces” when we return here.

Literally all they are missing for this to be a full horror movie are some decaying clone corpses.  Or at least empty armor.

There’s a hissing sound effect and very faint smoke that comes off the fyrnock’s feet here, if you’re sharp-eyed.

The asteroids drifting in front of the sun are a very nice environmental danger aspect.  Lends tension, gives a ticking clock.

Zeb listening to his funky space poprock. :)

Please do not think about how Ezra is so tiny and light that Zeb can pick him up one-handed.

Lol a very stern pointed finger from Zeb here all, “STAY.”

Seriously, how is this maintenance hallway accessed?  They were down in the galley.  Animators, I need the blueprints here.

Ezra so eager to believe Kanan is being a super cool amazing Jedi but no, y’all boys just loud ha ha.

Love how Sabine puts hands on her knees like the barrel full of explosives is just a cute puppy she’s aww-ing at.

Aside from one glaring shot that is repeated (once you see it you cannot unsee), this sequence is pretty nicely edited.  But then I think most of the action sequences in this show are well-edited.

Once again, Luke’s Theme used as a hero theme for the Ghost. :)

C’mon tell me that isn’t a badass shot.

I do have a certain fond affection for Ezra’s slingshot, as useless as it is against Stormtroopers and Inquisitors.  It’s exactly the kind of improvised weapon a bratty street kid would have.  And Ezra actually looks really cool here jumping down to protect Sabine and cover her and Hera’s escape.

He is pulling that thing aaaaaaaall the way back, look at him.  No quick stun shots on these draws, he wants to put those fyrnocks in the freaking ground.

I mean can you blame him though?  This boy has a hero complex and a guilt complex, he’s probably been mentally kicking himself for his role in getting Hera and Sabine stuck like this since he found out.

Ezra proceeds to ruin his genuinely awesome and heroic, “I got your back!” moment by getting a bit cocky and trying to show off.  Because he’s fourteen and Sabine makes him a dumbass.

He doesn’t seem to feel at all emasculated by Sabine jumping back down into the fray to shoot the fyrnock off him, though.  Tries to use it a flirting opportunity in fact.  Interesting to note this is the one time Sabine genuinely sounds irritated with him and the strongest she shuts him down.  Though frankly I think it’s mostly that she’s annoyed she had to pull his ass out of trouble after he was party responsible for her and Hera being in danger in the first place.

Anyway, enjoy these next few caps for no particular reason. :)

“There’s a LOT you don’t know about my ship.”  Aaaaaaand the censors were asleep for that line.

C’mon.

There’s a guilty kind of hesitance in Ezra’s body posture here, before he masks it and hides behind his attempt at a playful tease.

Right, he is absolutely feeling super guilty about putting her in danger and does not know how to approach her about it to apologize.

As I said, the resolution to Hera and Sabine’s conflict this episode is really more of an accepted stalemate.  All Hera divulges is that, yes, we do have a plan, we do have allies out there, and Sabine is like, “Okay I guess that will have to suffice.”

Sidenote: Sabine looks really pretty in this episode, I dunno if it’s something about the lighting or what.

Another episode that sometimes gets the unfair moniker of “filler”.  I mean even if it was that wouldn’t be a bad thing because sometimes you need to just let your characters have a break from the main plot to interact and grow and pick up allies and bounce off each other.

But also!  We’re back here literally two episodes from now in probably one of my favorite scenes this season.  I just love when plot elements come back. :)

[oceansatedogs]

asaden thoughts? 🙏

asaden thoughts... hm maybe i should answer this ask when my brain's actually not totally crappy but i'll give it a shot. big disclaimer, i'm not the sharpest tool in the shed

but

i like them a lot as they are right now, and i also like them for what they could be. i'm really into how asa parallels makima but Wrong, and how denji actually is shown to be a lot more aware of how people treat him & how he navigates relationships now

and i like that asa as a character has so much going on to her - she's a huge asshole who thinks she's better than everyone else, but she also feels like the fucking worst. in a way, she puts herself on a pedestal in a way that alienates her just like makima. except of course, the reasons they're standing on their respective pedestals is but a difference in how they frame how different they are from other people

that being said, i bring up makima because in part 1, she and denji's dynamic were a huge thing. we see denji still struggling with the remnants of his trauma re: makima; like, for example in the latest chapter, he questions if the way people treat him has something to do with him

but something i'd really want for asaden, even if they ended up just being platonic, is to make these makima vs asa parellels mean something - something good for denji's character development

with asa, i want to see him say "no" more. i want him to see the fuckin penguins and for asa to try and compromise instead. and most importantly i want him to know, if the truth ever came out about the whole "yoruasa possession thing", that at least asa saw some loser named denji and not chainsaw man

and that's another thing i like about asaden! asa is like, pretty much the first girl to not be after his chainsaw heart. which is. very sad because the bar is 6ft below the ground. but i am glad she actually sees him. i mean, also literally too re: when she saw him amongst the crowd from up a balcony(?) when she was considering who to turn into a weapon

i just want them to take it as slow as they possibly can within the bounds of a fujimoto story and see where it goes

i think asa could come to really care about denji. it's clear she likes him a lot (which is hilarious because instead of denji, it's HER who fell in love easily). and it's funny how she tries so hard to hate him when in reality, she knows he's genuinely a good person at heart. and looking at him probably makes her feel worse about herself. because who's really "between cat and human", her or denji?

but she keeps pushing him away because she 1) is generally afraid of letting people get too close it seems and 2) doesn't want another person to get hurt because of her

can you imagine? if she managed to turn him into a weapon? the one girl denji really believed could love him the way he always wanted, was just using him the whole time? the guilt would be immense

and what about asa? i mean like, i don't wanna get my hopes up. but i think denji could really show her a good time. he could be really good for someone like her - they're both losers who could really understand one another, and neither of them have that many friends

yeah, i like asaden. my thoughts on it are all over the place but at the end of the day i just want them to kiss. and i mean i want asa to kiss denji, not yoru lol. though asa is probably screaming, shitting, crying, etc rn

[causetheturtle]

Thoughts while rewatching season 3 of Riverdale:

1. K why did Alice’s farm style slay so hard? Like she looked so great

2. Love how Archie is literally in this prison FOR FUCKING MURDER and still nobody is scared of him - they saw this man in his nice little shoes his rich girlfriend gave him and were like “yeah this man is ducking useless”

3. VERONICA STOP BUYING YOUR BOYFRIEND NICE THINGS WHILE HE’S IN PRISON! He’s just gonna get this shit stolen your dad was in jail how do you not know how a prison works?

4. It’s so sad that the normies got hold of the “epic highs and lows of high school football” line because it really is such a perfect Archie line - this man is naive and kind hearted enough to believe a game of football is all that’s needed to fix the structurally broken prison system but if you haven’t watched the show and don’t know anything about Archie then it’s obviously gonna seem ridiculous

5. Riverdale relationship drama is so funny cause it’s like “Betty had a stress related seizure due her mother and sister joining a cult and didn’t tell Jughead” or “Veronica isn’t sure of the best way to help Archie through his time in prison”

6. Kevin asking Moose if he’s embarrassed by him of course he is Kevin have you met yourself? Your literally the worst

7. Organising a musical number and cheerleading routine for her boyfriend while he plays a game of football in prison is actually the most normal reaction Veronica Lodge has ever had to any situation ever

8. Realising I talk about Riverdale the same way all of the G&G players talk about G&G

9. Imagine being an adult in Riverdale and hearing that a new bar opened up under Pop’s and going for a night out to check it out but you get there and it’s just a load of teenagers doing musical numbers and drinking mocktails

10. Why is FP’s immediate reaction to any situation ever to just grab his son’s face and yell at him? Begging for this man to have a normal non-abusive reaction to something just one time

11. Will never stop thinking about the Midnight Club. It was the first episode of Riverdale I really watched and it’s still one of my favourites. Like the way all of the parents tried so hard and came so close to breaking their moulds and forging their own paths but they never did and just fell into exactly what the world and the people around them wanted to be AND how their kids are all in the same situation now? The narrative, the cycles, the generational trauma! This episode has everything

12. Knowing now that Sheriff Keller actually WAS into guys the whole time and it was just that he didn’t want to be with Moose’s dad makes the whole situation so much funnier

13. The idea that they were all booking out the bunker for certain nights a week is so funny - like did they have physical a schedule? Who kept the schedule? Did it just sit in like the offices of the Blue and Gold?

14. I fucking love Archie and Josie together and have fully convinced myself that Josie is somehow California Women

15. It needs to be studied what exactly the Heathers episode did to my brain because that one episode of TV completely rewired my brain chemistry and changed the trajectory of my life

16. It’s so sad that the happiest Polly ever got to be was when she was part of a cult. It’s also sad how much everyone’s farm fashion went off cause they all looked so good during that era

17. It’s actually a miracle it took so long for Fangs to actually die there were so many attempts on his life

18. God Veronica running multiple businesses at age 16 and none of the Riverdale adults batting an eye and just respecting her as a business women will never not be funny to me

19. The plot twist that Alice was actually working undercover to take down the farm actually makes her being so awful to Betty make less sense. Sure, she was doing it for the greater good I guess but like she didn’t have to give away her college money or sell their fucking house leaving Betty with the options of homelessness or moving to a cult to get it done

20. FP maybe if you need to get your teenage son to regularly come and help you with your job as sheriff then you shouldn’t be doing it? Although on the other hand Jughead would’ve gone to those crime scenes anyway so like maybe it’s a good thing FP was there as adult supervision

21. GOD the cult break out and scavenger quest are such amazing finales for this season. Everyone nearly dies about ten times, Kevin and Fangs no longer have kidneys, the core four staggering through the woods in formal wear close to death together, Cheryl and Toni coming to save them all with the power of gangs and bows and arrows, it had literally everything you could want!

22. Love how Hal Cooper is canonically one of the worst serial killers ever and every woman he’s been with tells him this to his face

[nowis-scales]

Ryoma Birthday Headcanons

It’s the first day of May, and so that means that it’s Ryoma’s birthday! Per the usual when there’s a Hoshidan royal with a birthday, I have to write a set of birthday headcanons to celebrate them. Hopefully you enjoy this year’s round!

‣ So you know how for years, there’s been that joke about that Ryoma’s probably like, really annoyed that Xander is taller than him? My hot take on this is that initially, he didn’t really care. Whatever, right? It’s not like he can control his height by sheer force of will, and Ryoma quite likes not having to duck through the average doorway. However, once everyone else started pointing out as a big deal to him… yeah, admittedly, he started to get more grumpy about it. Only problem is, he won’t admit to being grumpy about it, so he’s just standing there like “yeah whatever, I don’t care” when it is just so, so painfully obvious that he cares.

‣ You remember how last year, for Sakura's birthday, I mentioned that one of her siblings lost a tooth by falling down the stairs when they were little? Yeah, that was Ryoma. He was about six when it happened, and of course it was on one of the big stair cases leading up to Castle Shirasagi. Thankfully he was one of those kids that was just like, strangely durable, so he didn’t really cry when it happened. He was far more excited that one of his teeth had been knocked out, and kept trying to excitedly show Sumeragi and Ikona, who were so busy checking him over for cuts and bruises and whispering to each other “oh my gods we’re such terrible parents” to initially understand what their son was trying to show them. Sumeragi used to love to tell that story to people. Fuuga still laughs about it.

‣ According to the 4koma anthology comics, Ryoma is for the most part pretty honest, but he’ll still soften the blow on a lot of things if he can. However, if you really want to see Ryoma at his peak honesty, just talk to him when he’s sick. He doesn’t have the energy to put things into a nicer delivery. Oh, you want him to do politics with a fever, chills, and upset stomach? Fine, but you’d better be prepared to paraphrase literally everything he said in response to that daimyo’s questionable idea, because there’s no way you’re going to be able to deliver anything Ryoma said upfront. And don’t even bother asking about Ryoma’s general symptoms unless you’re the healer — he’ll tell it to you in grouchy, pouting detail.

‣ One of Ryoma’s worst fears is being helpless in any situation. When he’s put into a position where he can’t do anything, he’ll start to panic. This often means that he will do anything he can get to get out of it, even if it means doing something underhanded or against his typical moral code. That's also part of the reason why he can be characterized as impulsive or stubborn at times: he cannot give into a helpless situation. He needs to be able to take some sort of action to make things "right". If he doesn't feel that he has sufficiently acted, then he can never make peace with what happened. In the back of his mind he knows that this is probably a trauma response from Corrin's kidnapping in childhood, but he doesn't really want to have to confront the idea that it might be the wrong thing to do sometimes.

‣ Loves dogs. Loves them. When he was little, he was always pestering Sumeragi to let him have one. Obviously, because of his age, Sumeragi didn't think it was a good idea, but said that he might let him have one when he got older. Unfortunately, he passed before he could see that promise through. For a long time Ryoma largely forgot about getting a canine friend, too focused on other things to consider that that was something he could do for himself... but after the war drew to a close, he finally adopted that pup we see in the art piece Kozaki did of him.

‣ Though Ryoma’s hair may look like it’s spiky, it’s actually more so fluffy than anything. That of course doesn’t make it any easier to work with, but the texture probably isn’t as bad as you’d expect. Unfortunately, this still means that it gets all matted and tangled at the drop of a hat, so Ryoma is constantly wrestling with it to keep it under control. Most of the time he just ties it up to keep it out of the way, but he leaves it down in battle because he’s been told it makes him look more intimidating. It has led to the occasional embarrassing moment when it’s been caught in parts of his armour, though.

‣ His position makes him kind of emotionally distant at times. It's not necessarily something he wants to be, but the whole being a prince thing/being the "head of the family" by Hoshidan standards does kind of make him feel isolated. He tends to act on that in turn, and though there are times where he does try to connect with those around him, it still comes across as awkward and stilted from time to time. He finds it difficult to have close friends, and can never seem to connect with Takumi and Sakura the way that he wants to. To some people, this comes across as him not thinking much of them, but he honestly just doesn't know the right way to engage a lot of the time so he just... doesn't. It's something he would like to improve upon.

‣ One of Hoshido’s most eligible, if not the most eligible, bachelors. He’s not particularly crazy about this status. It’s not like he never wants to get married — he knows some day he’s going to have to, for the good of the kingdom and whatnot — but he hates being in a room full of people or corresponding with people he knows are just trying so desperately to impress him. The entire experience just feels terribly inauthentic, and he’s worried about if any of this is really enough to found a relationship on. Tack on the fact that he barely notices flirting from the average woman, and it just becomes overwhelming to even think about choosing a partner in those circumstances. He would much rather fall in love where it's possible.

‣ When it comes to pettiness, the man is like a crow. If you have wronged him or his family, he can and will remember it. And he doesn't hesitate to take revenge for it at times, either. There's still one nobleman who can't figure out why the crown prince seems so much colder than him than to everyone else. Hinoka asked Ryoma about it one time. Apparently, when they were younger, the nobleman mocked Hinoka's interest in battle and suggested she was a faulty woman. He apparently did so when Hinoka was in earshot, but she doesn't remember a thing. Ryoma, however, has kept this little grudge of his close to his heart and refuses to let go because how dare you talk about my sister that way!!

‣ While we know his English and Japanese VAs can both sing quite well, I feel like Ryoma is just not a very good singer. He's not necessarily always out of tune, but he just... sounds awkward. I don't really think of him as the singing type, to be honest, so whenever he tries it's probably more of that mumble-singing you do in the car anyways. He tends to stumble over lyrics or occasionally hit the wrong note, and when that happens once it's just going to throw him completely and keep happening, so it just tends to be a very mediocre performance. He probably once got Shiro to stop crying as a baby by singing to him, but purely because Shiro was so focused on Ryoma's second-rate lullaby that he couldn't remember to be upset.

[overx]

Which of your muses is more likely to talk in their sleep?

Which of your muses sleeps the most?

Which of your muses is the most sociable?

Which of your muses would win, if all of them had a drinking contest?

Which of your muses is the worst sore loser?

Which one of them is the most cynical?

Which of your muses is the most likely to murder someone just to prove a point?

Which of your muses would kill to prove a point / that they are right?

𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐂𝐇 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄 ! Multi muse asks | Accepting

[[This post got long even though I tried to keep most of the answers short until the last few sooooo read more.]]

Which of your muses is more likely to talk in their sleep?

[[Probably Rho! He's a very restless sleeper when he does get sleep at all. He moves a lot, and even sleepwalks on occasion. Sleep talking is just another facet of that, but typically no one is around to notice these things.

Which of your muses sleeps the most?

That one is a bit of a toss up! The general gist though is Voluntas because some days just demand being lazy or "sloth-like", since demons embody all of the sins and not just their major one.

Rock is also high on the list here. Put simply, when he's dealing with a depressive episode, he sleeps (if he's not choosing to be self destructive instead). This isn't an always thing for him but it crops up semi frequently.

Honorable mention from the side muses for Link because I mean. Yeah.

Which of your muses is the most sociable?

I'd probably have to give this one to Xanti! He used to be pretty shy and awkward, but his role as a public figure has really made him grow out of that. He's polite, friendly and (secretly) a bit of a gremlin.

Besides them though, I'd say Alexander and Raziel are pretty high on the list. They both tend to do fine with new people and enjoy making friends.

Which of your muses would win, if all of them had a drinking contest?

Volt and Rho are the top contenders here! It takes a lot of alcohol to have an effect on either of them. Even drinks with magical properties would take time to kick in. If they were directly competing it would probably come down to the rules and what they're specifically drinking.

After them though, it's probably Vile and Rock. These two pretty regularly partake, on top of being machines. They're not really lightweights among their peers.

Which of your muses is the worst sore loser?

VOLT VOLT VOLT VOLT VOLT. Pride ranks pretty high in his hierarchy of sins and he cannot STAND losing to most people. Especially people he doesn't like or respect. How he acts when he loses depends on the situation of course, but in general he's bad at it.

Which one of them is the most cynical?

It's Rock? It's Rock. I cannot emphasize enough how much he does not trust most people or care about them. He doesn't really believe in good people, and tends to brush off the suffering of others unless he's personally invested in them.

To be frank, I've had several muses in the past try to open up to him about their histories before he knew or cared about them and he was.... less than stellar in those interactions. He keeps his own pain and trauma close to chest, and is distrustful of those who are open about the darker parts of their lives. He tends to view openness of that kind when shared without 'reason' as a manipulation tactic. Even muses he IS close to don't know the full extent of the things he's been through, and he will keep it that way unless it is strictly necessary.

This is to say if your muse is a stranger and they trauma dump on him or come to him in need, he's going to walk away at best. BUT ALSO if your muse is immediately friendly with him, he'll think they have an underlying motive. There is a reason I do not recommend him as a first interaction muse if we haven't threaded before.

Of course on the flip side of this, Cale is the same way. Just a different flavor of cynicism. He projects friendliness and optimism because it's disarming, and because he genuinely believes that absolutely selfless people do not exist. To him, the world is so broken and people are inherently damaged.

Even those with the best intentions can and have been bought. Anyone can cause harm if it will benefit them personally or they believe it will bring good in the long run. The difference is that Cale sees kindness as a struggle, and as a radical act to give in a dying world.

He gives it, because generosity and compassion do not actually exist. Because good men do bad things, and bad men do good things, and the cycle of hurt is endless in turn.

Which of your muses is the most likely to murder someone just to prove a point? & Which of your muses would kill to prove a point / that they are right?

I see these questions as kind of intertwined so I'm going to group them up a bit. Essentially this is who would kill because they can, and who would kill because they should.

Voluntas is absolutely the former. He will not hesitate to maim or murder purely because someone irritated him. Violence is at the core of his nature, and death is a weightless thing.

Close to him is Rock, because violence is so commonplace where he's from. It is a language, a way to defend yourself, and to prove who is or is not vulnerable. It sends a message, and he is beyond caring about the cost.

Both of them would absolutely kill to show that they aren't above it, and to make sure you know not to fuck with them.

To kill for your beliefs is a different thing though.

Crimson is the epitome of this. He is the weapon for the cause. The sword taken up against the enemy. Much of his self identity is tied into the idea of existing solely for battles with a greater purpose.

Then there's Rho. Right now he lives only to slay the new Gods of his world. To him, they are the root cause of much of the suffering in life, and hunting them is both selfless and selfish.

Vile also falls into this list in that his work makes killing a requirement. He absolutely has the capacity to do it for personal belief, even if it hasn't happened yet.

Alexander also can straddle this line in very specific circumstances. If the wrong kind of person crosses his path, there is no reason to show mercy.

There are others who would kill for a cause but haven't yet... by which I mean Cale. He pretends he's a pacifist but he isn't, and he would kill for the greater good if the opportunity ever presented itself. He hasn't been put in this kind of position though, so for now his hands are clean.]]

[eldritch-queern-magicat]

Frankly, no, it should be aired out (and yes, you can be mad about it). Hiding things doesn't heal them. It's been bothering me a lot lately, just on the principle of our collective tendency to not give ourselves the compassion we give others. It's probably our extreme reaction to knowing we've been toxic to others in the past.

The thing is, Caelienn was a little too willing to accept holding the role of demon of the sin of sloth. Yeah, there is the despair to consider. But that wasn't actually programmed into her at the start, and it still never fit him. Foster hell split the demon of sloth from her. It's not that he wanted to take that burden on, exactly. It had more to do with a certain sense of self-sacrificing honor. And accountability is one thing, but taking an undue amount of blame for a situation is... less than healthy.

But I also understand why it's easier to just take all the blame than to dissect the entire situation and your own emotions. We have a lot of turbulent and exhausting emotions to go through and unpack because of how much we tried to repress. We have a warped sense of our childhood because it's still very shattered, like a broken mirror is. And I'm starting to think we still see things a lot harsher than they really were, as far as life after foster hell.

Yeah, we always felt like an outcast, even in middle school and our culinary class. We were a pretty polarizing person in school, and probably elsewhere. My face made me an easy target for bullies, and the consistency of it in general made me feel like I didn't really have anyone on my side most of the time. It's a part of what made me distant even from my parents and family over time. And of course the stress that caused only made the pain worse. Because of course it did.

It's very telling that whenever I write stories, the main characters tend to be outcasts for one reason or another. They always seem to end up being a roadmap of my trauma. It's definitely why it's so hard to go back to them now. I still can't even look at almost any of the character information without getting extremely uncomfortable.

The worst of it is, I already have plans for different ideas scattered through multiple different story concepts. But even that means I have to directly go through what I already have pretty early on. Because for as much as I can remember a lot of the details, it's mostly just inevitable. I really just got completely obsessed with my own stories, even at my lowest. That part was largely escapism. So it's not that I don't remember what I put into the many text documents I have. I just know what (and why I'm that way) far too well at this point.

-Era 🗝️😻

[rainbowcarousels]

No need to apologize, a sudden essay was truly all I ever wanted 🥹 it does align quite perfectly doesn’t it? I mean sometimes it’s all about “reading between the lines” as Lestat once said, specially when it comes to characters who are not Lestat himself/the people closest to him at any given time or POV characters, and this is one of those instances where we’re given just enough to do that imo, it’s all there in the timelines like you said. “It just won't change the fact that he had a second chance to do it right this time with Daniel where he had failed before, to not be a blunt object seeking practical solutions and prove he can in fact take care of people without destroying them”, god this is so true, and I think it also ties back to him being a “failed experiment” in his maker’s eyes, and how he’d been conditioned in his mind (by fate, by circumstance) to repeat that pattern. Armand’s sense of identity in regards to who he is to Daniel is a huge thing too and I’ve always HC that at some point during their difficult years and then in their years apart, he probably rationalized it as him only being fit to be his lover but not his teacher in the blood (which of course represented yet another unforgivable failure).

“He's trying so hard in the modern age to make caregiver be a huge part of him and to be seen as someone who keeps his children safe and even if Daniel was safe at the time, I can't help but think it would bother him that his own firstborn had to be cared for by someone else and that maybe Lestat would be the only person he would really admit this to because he would be the one to understand it.” Yes! Reminds me of that great post by @monstersinthecosmos I think(!) that had me nodding along from start to finish where they mentioned (and I’m only paraphrasing lmao) how Trinity Gate, despite having being conceived as a safe place where people could all heal and come together as a family, also ends up being a place where Armand has to live up to a lot of expectations (the caretaker, the teacher, the protector), like he had to in the cult, and then the theater. And not only that but it would also serve as a constant reminder of how when it had mattered the most, with his own fledging, he was not able to do it. Lestat would totally understand Armand and never judge him for it, he’s “failed” in similar ways before and plays a similar role to Armand’s in the present (the only difference I think is the scale, Lestat has made more fledglings than one can count and Armand only has Daniel to dump all of his trauma on, bless) xoxo DA still sad asf but your meta is like chicken soup for the soul ❤️‍🩹

Absolutely all of this!! Lestat is not omnicient, even if sometimes it feels like he is and you have to remember you're a person removed from his stories.

Oooh yeah actually that is an excellent point, it makes it a little bit worse that it's Marius that takes care of Daniel and the whole idea of maybe Daniel would be considered a failed fledgling from Armand adds to the idea of him being a failed experiment himself. It's a generational trauma thing too, I think this is something Daniel is terrified of being seen as something Armand regrets and sees as a failure, but Armand trying to figure out who he is to people is such a big pattern in all of his identites and part of it definitely feels like it stems from feeling like he can't measure up to his previous self in the eyes of his own maker. Like he couldn't even get something that any back alley vampire made on a whim can do properly, that is a spiral waiting to happen even if it's not true.

Absolutely 100% agree that Armand could rationalise it that way, he does tend to seperate his identities and roles as a coping mechanism but I also think it's just another nail in the coffin of feeling like this is his failure. It would have been compounded by living with the day to day of Daniel when he was at his worst and probably wound have caused a knock on spiral which wouldn't have been fair to either of them, but it doesn't make it easier.

Trinity Gate, despite having being conceived as a safe place where people could all heal and come together as a family, also ends up being a place where Armand has to live up to a lot of expectations (the caretaker, the teacher, the protector), like he had to in the cult, and then the theater. And not only that but it would also serve as a constant reminder of how when it had mattered the most, with his own fledging, he was not able to do it.

This just punches me in the gut every time. I hadn't really thought about it in this context but you're right, the scale of it with Lestat and Armand being seen as community leaders in their own right really does echo each other and puts so much pressure on both of them to be more than themselves. They are roles and figureheads but that doesn't leave them with much space to explore their own traumas and identities in detail. Even in their own homes, it's not really about them.

Someone really needs to make a therapist for these folks, they really need to learn some ways to process what they're going through that isn't running away (Lestat) or trying to wear his reputation like armour to protect not only himself but his children (Armand). I think if you sat down and really interrogated why Armand feels the need to protect his own people so intensely, he's been losing them since he was a child and losing himself over and over at the same time and it's why I think it would bother him to have someone else do that for his child. It's become a part of how he sees himself so it shakes his very sense of identity and it wouldbe a fascinating thing to explore one day.

Thank you for soming in and letting me think about this stuff, I appreciate getting the chance to really look at it in detail!

[not-playable-character]

Some thoughts I've had after finishing Bayonetta Origins

Before my rambling mess of thoughts here's some general ones for those who don't wanna read.

Its a great game 8/10, the only issues I have with it are skill issue based and the parts the revolve around bayo 3, its beautiful and complex and I love finally learning some backstory (even if it's for my least favorite adult cereza) all the voice work and music are amazing. the art is amazing as usual. I'd highly recommend playing it if you haven't already. Also be wary for spoilers in the read more.

Ok so the rambles and game theories

This game made me realize (in my mind) why bayo 3 cereza was so... weak and emotionless. If the ending is to be believed, she left the village to travel the world. This means that she didn't have jeannes teachings and was more or less self taught (explaining the fact she can't use 2 different weapons) it also explains why she is so socially awkward, people on their own can lose those social skills and she's been alone for centuries. I do adore little cereza and her growth, but she wouldn't have the uh.. trauma that the others would have, if she left there's not reason for her to return for the war if anything she would stay far far away, and I doubt she would think her mother couldn't handle herself. Her dream at the end even shows her without the shackles so Rosa would be imagined at full power (which is very formidable). It also makes sense to me that since she is the arch eve origin she would be the worst so to speak, she was the origin everyone else deviated from her and gained new strength where she didn't. But this is all my own cracked out game theory and thinking too much about it (it's not that deep im just a hater of 3)

Now onto Lukaon, I hate him more the learn about him. why are we supposed to root for their romance when all he was shown to do was manipulate cereza and try to murder her closest friend, like yeah he was desperate but he was still an antagonist. They also just straight up made him a clone of cereza, I won't go into how much I dislike that trope but I didn't like it in stranger things dont like it here. They are just ruining Luka to me and I don't like that I enjoyed bayo 1 &2 luka but now he is a shell of what he used to be. I will say that due to being a hater, I did call lukaon being a villain from the beginning. What I didn't call was Morgana being evil and being his mom.

Onto jeanne, her little side story has just made her death worse for me. You are telling me that she KNEW how she was going to die and just did nothing. Nah, this woman may be insane but she isn't stupid. She so into preserving the umbra legacy and having them live on, she would just accept her death.

Also on that note, the destiny thing. Platinum seems to be backpeddling on the themes of destiny. Bayo 1&2 were all about how you can change your destiny and that fate isn't set in stone but in 3 and origins they say you cannot change destiny and it will course correct if you do so it will always happen. Which imo is detrimental to the story cuz that was always a good message but whatever I'm not a writer (even if I try to be sometimes)

I've realized this is all me complaining and it makes me seem like I hate this game, I don't, I live it! It's just easier for me to put my complaints into words than just saying "it's great!" Over and over.

I will say I loved all the characters (minus lukaon) and I really wish they used the fairies instead of the lameculus, they were so fun and actually unique! But that wouldn't make sense in the lore (even if it still kinda doesn't, like why are there no good fairies that support the true royals??? Maybe they weren't as popular as lukaon said) anyway love the little guys. And the wisps! They were super cute. I do wish we had more of Cereza and Jeanne interacting as they were supposed to be best friends as kids but im not too upset as cereza was in the forest the whole time (maybe some flashbacks would have been fun) and here I go complaining in my positive section lol. Anyway it's a great game and it actually brought back my enthusiasm for the series

[bonesandthebees]

Alright, putting this one in a separate ask because this might be my favourite line this chapter if not the entire fic for the sheer complexity and layers behind it, especially in context of what happened earlier in the chapter.

[“I’m not your fucking child,” he snapped without thinking, the heat in his chest a stark contrast to the gentle warmth he felt only an hour before when Tommy had asked about their cover story.]

This is of course in reaction to Techno saying [“Phil, maybe don’t scold the kids in front of a potential business partner.”]. A line which tears Phil, Tommy and Wilbur out of their own little world and puts them back in a meeting room with Eret and Foolish.

The context of this line is, of course, the family dynamic they were building. It’s the admission that Tommy and Wilbur are like brothers, but Tommy and later Phil’s confirmation. It’s Phil being to old to be Wilbur’s dad and otherwise not realised at all despite the fact that Wilbur would love to fit into their little family.

But it’s also Wilbur’s need to be taken seriously. It’s his trauma from never being listened to by Schlatt, from always being brushed of and ignored. It’s the idea that the Pythia gets stripped of their personhood so they can more easily be taken seriously. The idea that a Pythia’s age should never be disclosed because it could shift the way other people view them.

It’s Wilbur’s underlying fear that knowing he’s 22 will change how Phil and Techno see him, no it did, because that’s a very important detail in the general context of his trauma. But Wilbur wants to be taken seriously. He doesn’t like being babied.

And maybe Techno’s comment made it click that he was getting scolded like a child by Phil, which again he doesn’t like because he’s probably been acting like a mini adult since he because Pythia.

And while Techno doesn’t mean it in that way, that’s how Wilbur takes it. And Eret’s amusement and his full Pythia mindset only add to that. And the fact that they have been talking about Schlatt doesn’t not help.

That one line unearths so much buried anger at Schlatt and makes it burst out at the people closest to him by essentially trying to shove them away.

(1/2)

-🌲

I debated sooo heavily if I wanted to throw that line in when I came up with it while writing that scene, and ultimately decided yeah, it had to be in there.

it's bringing back the family dynamics. it calls back to wilbur's own self worth/esteem issues and the kind of respect people show him as the pythia vs as wilbur.

wilbur was both taken too seriously as a child—being granted one of the most important governmental positions at 12 years old—and not serious enough with Schlatt never taking his advice. he's been raised with the expectation that he's supposed to be listened to and that his age is a barrier to that so he must hide it, but then he's ignored time and time again even without the age issue. and then finally he finds a place where people listen to him and encourage him to be an individual and not just the pythia, only for those same people to use his age against him just like he was always told it would. it's a whole mess of the pythian institution teachings clashing with his experiences with schlatt and his own complicated feelings about his self-worth.

and the worst part was eret was amused by it exactly for the reasons wilbur feared. eret definitely views the pythia differently after that meeting, especially since they now have a much clearer idea of how young he is.

[cannotescape]

thank you for asking for my thoughts, anon! I hope you're ready for the ride because I can't promise everything will make sense (just like the show itself tbf).

I don't really know how to answer this... My feelings aren't completely settled yet. Right after I finished, I think I was kinda relieved? I was fully prepared to hate the season but it wasn't the case, there were still plenty to love and I was glad to have my girls back. The more I think about it though... the more I'm thinking about how 10 times better this season would have been if the boys weren't there lmao. So yeah, I'm kinda perplexed with most of the choices made this season, and frustrated because gdi, it could have been so much better.

I. Negative points

The boys

Let's get this out of the way. I surprisingly didn't hate the boys or their scenes. But that never was the point, was it? What I feared was them reducing the girls' screentime and not adding anything to the story. Sadly, those fears were founded. I didn't hate the boys. I just found them boring and uninteresting, especially compared to the girls.

And yeah, you could argue that's the point the show is trying to make lol: uplifting the girls' story by... adding uninteresting boys... Doesn't sound like good writing to me but whatever.

Worst of all, I feel like the boys plot lines weren't uninteresting, but it would have felt 100% more engaging if the girls had them instead (minus the sexual assault part). The boys frankly didn't have time to get developped so I think it was a lose-lose situation anyway. Their struggles also paled in comparison to the girls.

2. Wasted opportunities

The girls' plot lines did suffer from the presence of the boys. Some characters were cruelly underused like Dot. Her only storylines this season was... her birthday, reading a book and learning to relax, and even that wasn't very well done.

Toni wasn't fully fleshed out in season 1 but I wasn't whining too much about it at the time, hoping to learn more about her in season 2. It obviously didn't happen. Her main narrative points revolve around her relationship with Shelby and being protective of Martha... The fact that she barely interacts with other girls is very telling imo. Her issues are completely side-lined. Yeah, her lack of worthiness is brought up, and immediately forgotten after Martha of all people gives her "words of encouragement". I have trouble thinking another girl couldn't have given her another perspective and that Martha didn't tell her this shit 10 times before. Also, wouldn't have it be nice if this lack of worthiness was the reason Shelby and Toni broke up? Instead of some far fetched reason?

The more it goes on, the more Toni doesn't seem to exist outside her relationship with Shelby and Martha. And this is made even more obvious by the fact that Shelby has had pretty good storylines this season. There's the confederate shit, of course, but there's also her faith, her party organizing skills, her escape rooms prowess, her guilt over Becca... So much good shit and the only thing we learn about Toni is that she likes weddings and steamy romance books lol.

Generally speaking, the girls cruelly lacked screentime to match the development they got in season 1. We had some meaningful conversations and I appreciated them but some narrative choices were pretty astounding to me. Season 1 was sometimes guilty of doing weird time jumps and of barely mentioning important events, like when Martha almost died in episode 6... Did they find the second med? No one was mad at Leah after that? huh okay. Well, season 2 does it even more often: Leah's attempt to her life only leads to her being monitored and even that was dropped pretty fast. We didn't see Shelby being triggered by this when... hello???? It's a big part of her trauma and we even learn that she also had suicidal thoughts at some point. Also, does Toni even know about Becca? Does Shelby know more about Toni's family situation??? Do the girls know about Rachel's eating disorder? God

The problem I see is that season 1 teased a lot of good stuff and season 2 barely delivered on those. Wasted opportunities again and again and again. Shelby feeling uneasy about being out and coming to term with it could have been a great thing to see. I could even have been a tension inducing plotline in the bunker: the girls having to hide Shelby and Toni's relationship to the interviewer and/or Shelby freaking out when she realized they have been observed all this time with their intimate moments being invaded/tainted. Instead we got Martha walking in on them and her interaction with Toni didn't feel satisfying. Also, no reaction from Dot whatsoever lol....

Another example: for almost two seasons, the show teased that Martha could be dead or seriously unwell and the only thing we get is a half-assed reunion between her and Toni like nothing happened, and it was only shown because Gretchen wanted to make a point during her ovary contest with Leah... Speaking of reunions lol...... I don't even know what to say about the bunker reunions despite: unsatisfying. The Leah/Shelby reunion in season 1 felt way more meaningful and potent than whatever we got.

Another disappointment: I wish the girls were working together to defeat Gretchen instead of Leah doing it solo. We were all speculating about the girls playing Gretchen and co. during their interviews and turns out only Leah and maybe Fatin hid things from them. What about the anaphalyctic shock? Wasn't it planned after all?

And the breakup.... As an angst connoisseur, I was really excited to see how they would tackle this. I wanted something truly painful. Sadly, the breakup wasn't earned imo. They teased it pretty well during the interviews in season 1. It seemed personal. It seemed like both Toni and Shelby hurt each other in the process. Or again, it could have just been them playing the interviewers and protecting Shelby's "secret". Instead of that, we got a... can we even call that a breakup scene? It lacked tension, it lacked real motive, it lacked character development (Toni and her abandonment issues??? helloooo????). I think it could have been done well if they had more time. But it was just rushed and out of place after all this fluff. Show me more disagreement and/or suspicion before the big breakup! Show me Shelby starting to act sketchy... Deliberately hiding things about the island...

But maybe this is gonna be a "light breakup", easily resolved with them quickly getting back together, before the big betrayal breakup. The wilds liked to deceive us like this in the past (see: the "wrong" conferate in season 1… who actually became the real operative in season 2).

3. The experiment

As an introduction, I've always thought that the experiment was the weakest part of the show (I even wrote a monster commentary about it) and season 2 proved me right.

This is kinda ironic because... this show sounds like it wants to be a plot driven show without realizing it is a character driven show. I was very doubtful of the addition of the boys from the start because it was sell as "a necessity for the plot" thing. It seems like it was just an excuse. Indeed, the experiment is BARELY mentionned in this season! Yes, we get a few lines about how Gretchen wants the boys to fail so hard and that they're actually ahead of the girls. We learn at the end that the boys actually failed? But it was never explained why? And seemed like it only came from things the confederate did anyway so... But whatever, it's not like the experiment made sense in the first place.

By making the boys and the girls together the "third control group", the show keeps demonstrating it knows nothing about sociology. But it also leads me to think that the great lesson of it all is gonna be "boys and girls need each other to create a perfect society" and please... This is not a sure thing, of course, but considering how the girls have directly been affected by patriarchy and shit, if this is the answer the show wants to offer, then... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, I really don't want to see the boys and the girls interact. Absolutely not.

II. Positive points (I did say I enjoyed this season, didn't I?)

The thing is... the show excels when it goes back to its roots: mainly exploring young women's struggles and their interactions with each other. So pretty much all the girls' scenes were fucking delectable to watch. The writers continued to explore different duos or trios and it often works! A few favourite of mine this season were Rachel and Leah, and Fatin and Shelby (they play off each other surprisingly well).

MVP of this season was Rachel for me. What a fucking good character. I loved her in every fucking scene, god and her character arc was the best of all of the girls, imo. Seeing her mourn Nora was excruciating, especially in episode 1. Speaking of Nora, you could actually FEEL her absence in the group dynamic and that's a pretty fucking huge accomplishment. I don't only mean the few references to her we get here and there. In some of the group scenes, I actually caught myself looking around to see if she was there.

I'm personally very happy she's alive. It doesn't make Rachel's mourning fruitless but... I guess it could become a little frustrating down the line. We'll see. Not a fan of the reveal though.... Why do it in the middle of the season with 0 mention of her during the rest of it? huh

Random things that I liked:

I loved seeing Shelby and Toni happy together. I would have liked the show to be more tentative and cautious about it but I'm nitpicking.

Fatin and Shelby figuring the whole thing out.

the music is still a yes, although it didn't hit as much as in season 1. I was so excited when I heard the first few notes of "Vois sur ton chemin" though. Nostalgia! And really fucking unexpected

Humour! We had some pretty fantastic one liners from Fatin, Shelby continuing to be hilarious, Leah putting her hand on Fatin's head and saying "with love", the music stopping after Leah blows the flower at Toni, Gretchen jolting when Henri started singing… many laughing out loud moments this season.

Questions:

Is Shelby the new operative? I know it's heavily implied but... you never know with this show. Also, when did she become the operative? She was probably turned after her anaphylactic shock, but - and I know it's a stretch - there's a possibility she was in on it since the beginning. I don't think she's another double agent though and that she's playing Gretchen. It would feel cheap after Leah's storyline this season.

Nora??? Hello???? What is gonna happen with her? Is Leah gonna tell Rachel that her sister is alive?

Fatin, Shelby and Leah have to share with the others what they know, right?

Why did Shelby shave her head?

Shelby doesn't limp anymore? How long did they stay in the bunker? Do Gretchen ever plan on sending them back to their parents?

What did Josh tell Gretchen that made her so happy?

Which french song is Sarah Streicher gonna choose next season?

Will Toni get a real character arc in season 3?

Are Leah and Fatin gonna smooch?

Now, tell me YOUR thoughts, anon! Do you share any of what I said or was it just complete nonsense?

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

Dunno why I’m back so soon, guess my anxiety has been acting up or something. I’m surprised to see I didn’t get as much harassment posts thank god. Saw one person say bullshit that seems aimed towards me but aside from that one psycho all is good I guess.

I had a panic attack last week and ending up confessing to my older sister about everything that happened. I even told her about my fetish, which had me so scared to do I almost vomited. I was scared she was going to think I’m a freak and disown me as a sister as some people in my past did. She took it better than I thought and said it was a normal and a healthy thing. It is a part of being human. I was so grateful to learn my sister still loves me for being born this way. I am still too scared to tell my parents though as they are old fashioned and would definitely not get it. To help make me feel better she invited me over to her place to try and help me recover as my anxiety has been worse as of late. I had lots of fun! Sadly my parents fucking car got fucked up because some girl at McDonald’s messed up the hot chocolate cup and it spilled all over the controls so I had to take some meds after that scary almost car crash experience. The car seems to have somehow fixed itself the next day though? Still kinda nervous about it though.

I got quests of yore the board game! We found a game shop and she decided to play a game with me, I sort of went in blind as I know nothing about DND. We got it and played and it was fun, I got a companion which was a bear. I was struggling to come up with a name and she said Gary. We proceed to laugh a long time. We are on a quest to make lots of money to pay rent that will allow us to keep a bear. LOL

I’ve been up and down lately really, my social anxiety is way worse and I’m currently questing my sexuality and identity. I am thinking I may be agender and only into boys I’m not sure. I get bullied by lots of girls so even though I am attracted to all kinds of body types and I’m not fused by gender and have crushes on fictional girls I’m absolutely terrified of real life girls now. I was thinking I may be pansexual as well but yeah...women are SCARY dude. It’s very confusing... I wish girls like Abigail from Stardew valley were real...*sigh* in my country we get lots of what we call sheep. So if you’re not into make up and Twilight the girls in my country are immediately like “fuck you!”. Guys and non binaries aren’t like that tho. Not sure why.

And yeah, Barley and Abigail, I have a type LOL

We are trying to look for a new therapist but they’re all booked out. I have been getting lots of trauma related panic attacks but my family is helping me through it. I came here again because of anxiety of course like I said but uh....thanks to everyone who supports me. And please don’t listen to any bullshit rumours you might hear about me. People just don’t know how to fucking chill. You guys have anything better to do than to bitch and moan? Just write and draw things you love, don’t complain about people or make up nasty stories to try and gain more haters to join you. I know you’re watching me. You say I should grow up but who really is the immature one? Yes I had a bad panic attack that time. Yes I should have kept it anonymous. But I’m not evil. I just wish to be myself without seeing nasty posts. I said sorry but did you guys say sorry to me? No you didn’t. You kept going and did a lot of damage. So who is really the immature one? The one who felt bad and tried to explain why I was hurt and how we can make things better or the one who wanted to keep assuming the worst in me? Just enjoy the things you love instead of thriving in things you hate and trying to guilt trip others who like the things you hate. Stop making rumours and harassing others. Just stop. And not just me, anyone in general, I know there’s others who suffered from your wrath. Much like a dear friend of mine in December 2021 who practically saved me life. You know who I’m talking about, you hated on him for being like me. So just calm down, do you and I will do me. If you choose to hate someone over ONE mistake or one tiny trait like personal preferences than that’s just sad. Do what makes you happy, don’t go out of your way to make yourself angry by LOOKING UP the things you dislike. You do you, I will do me. Just learn to chill.

Again thanks to the people here who didn’t harass me. I really do appreciate it. I will just post and disappear again as tumblr does tend to be a DANGEROUS website. Place is practically crawling with cyber bullies. You guys should be careful too, please stay safe and if people try to attack you block them and maybe get off of tumblr. I hear shit about Twitter but I will not lie, there’s actually less cyber bullies there apparently. Deviantart is a totally safe place too. I did have some BS happen there before but the people behind the website don’t allow bullying and band people. So yeah. Thanks and stay safe everyone.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Hi there!!! I’m the anon who asked about the my tears ricochet song! Omg I didn’t think you’d actually go pick up lines and interpret it, LOVE IT. There’s one more line there that could very well be Alina in S3….cursing my name, wishing I stayed, you turned into your worst fears….yeah corruption arc here we come? Btw, on the eras tour (the one going on right now) during one of her performances, she has a whole army of people wearing black walking behind her as she walks in all white in front of them. It’s like a funeral death march.

Since we’re on a TS song high, you should check out Better Man as well—its basically about how she still has feelings for someone but she knows that her leaving him was something she had to do but if only he were a better man then things might’ve worked out.

Oh bonus: a saucier Darklina - So It Goes on her reputation album.

Anyway, I’m glad my earlier ask made your day! Yay!! Looking forward to all your posts!

Ooh good catch with that line 'you turned into your worst fears' does have alina corruption potential. But I think it could also be how Aleks became corrupted over time, how he became more like those who used to hunt him because of his trauma.

I love Taylor's Better Man, its a very wistful song, reflecting on what could have beens. It reminds me of this darklina quote from the books:

“You might make me a better man.” “And you might make me a monster.”

I think one of the sadder elements to darklina is their lost potential, I said before but I really do feel like they are soulmates that met at the wrong time. I think Alina is very much like young Aleks and if they had met earlier before Aleks hardened his heart things might have turned out so differently. I do think Better Man is a good reflection of how Alina was feeling towards Aleks in season 2 and books 2 and 3. There are a couple of lines that kind of punch me in the gut with the emotions when I think of darklina while listening to it. The first is:

'Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic.' This does make me think back to 1x05 how perfect darklina were in that episode, how giddy in love they seemed. I think these memories make the breakdown in their relationship even harder for Alina and Aleks.

Also the line 'We might still be in love, if you were a better man.' Again its that could have been element to their relationship. It also reminds me of what baghra said 'for a moment you could have earned her love instead of claiming her power.'

'So It Goes' just reminds me of the darklina desk kiss scene and ep 1x05 in general. I mean:

See you in the dark All eyes on you, my magician All eyes on us You make everyone disappear.

This whole part reminds me of the demonstration at the winter fete, how the whole room was watching them but they were just staring at each other like there was no one else in the room.

And all the pieces fall Right into place Getting caught up in a moment Lipstick on your face.

And this part is just the desk kiss scene where they really did get swept up in the moment and lost in each other. Then of course there's the line 'Come here, dressed in black now' which makes me think of those matching keftas of theirs. The whole song does scream saucy darklina no lie.

[symptoms-syndrome]

OC ramblings relevant to trauma/mental illness stuff. TW for talk of grooming and SA. A little graphic at the end? Not describing a traumatic event just the aftermath.

I have an OC very near and dear to my heart (though all my OCs are near and dear to my heart, this one is just special) that I project a lot of my worst self onto.

And I was talking with some friends about how he's kind of a dick and definitely a bad friend. Specifically, he's a dick in that he always ensures his own safety and well-being first, and is often unempathetic to others' distress. For example, if someone he knew was being groomed or had been sexually assaulted, he would consider that "none of his business" and assume they can work themselves out. Either they work themselves out and it's fine, or they don't and he couldn't have done anything anyway.

And like, there's some small part of me that still reacts like that. I'm just sort of naturally a low empathy person, very logical. I got myself out of a bad place so others can too sort of vibe, the bootstrappy attitude I mentioned in that post about not being soft. Ofc I recognize, logically, that's not really how it works. There's other factors in other people's lives that I'm not aware of. And most of the time I can be uhhh what's the word. For fake empathy but real feelings of wanting to help etc. That sort of thing. I do care even if I don't feel the thing. I care about my friends and stuff.

Anyway I guess it was mostly on my mind because. I passively mentioned a few of the Bad Things that have happened to me during sex work very off the cuff to my drag mom bc I was rly drunk tonight. Like they don't upset me rly, not to talk about. Just like. Yeah that happened and I did what I had to do and I got through it whatever. And he said that sounded scary and I didn't really know what to say. Because it probably was, in the moment (I don't remember the moments) but it isn't now. And I guess it got me thinking like. This isn't normal. It's not just death and taxes. I guess I just. Legitimately do consider sexual assault to be just a thing that happens to most people. Some people get real fucked up and traumatized by it and some people just. IDK have it happen. It does not occur to me that there are people who never have been and never will be assaulted. That's very much this OC's outlook too. It just happens. It sucks but you get through it. Life goes on. Sometimes you get splinters and sometimes you scrape your knees and sometimes you stub your toe in the middle of the night and sometimes people touch you when you don't want them to and sometimes they do it by force. I guess I'm just. Really numb to it.

And I guess I know I'm not supposed to be numb to it. The most recent assault that I remember I remember feeling really unaffected and mostly being bothered by not feeling anything about it. I tried to make myself cry in the shower but just kinda stood there getting wet and then got out and went to bed and went to work the next day and I don't think I've ever brought it up again until now. I remember I told my friends and they were concerned about me and I wished they had something to like. Care for. Like I wanted to have something that they felt they could help with but there just wasn't really anything there, because it sucked but it sucked like how dropping your toast sucks or losing the last puzzle piece sucks and nothing more.

And I think. That makes a lot of things make sense in a way? Why I'm so different. Of course there's a lot of things that make me different. But one of the big ones is that other people haven't had to "just get through it" as much as I have. Other people haven't been forced to do things they don't want to do as often or as severely. So like. I'm already so familiar with milder discomforts that they don't bother me. I have generally lower standards for what I'm willing to put myself through. Is that considered dignity? I don't really know. I just know that accomplishing a goal makes almost any suffering bearable. I'm willing to put myself through a lot to get to something that's important to me. I'll work myself to the bone. That's probably not good, but I have yet to see problems arise. I'm higher accomplishing than a lot of my non traumatized peers purely because putting in what it takes is easier for me, comparatively to what I've already gone through. Like how my friends seem much more willing to quit jobs if they don't like them, and sometimes what they don't like feels SO minor. The idea of "I don't like doing [unpleasant task] so I won't do it" feels so foreign and insane to me. You just do things even though you don't like them because you have to. That's just how life works. Death and taxes and laundry over and over ad infinitum.

[ablednt]

it's so weird to me how white cluster bs on here seem to get off on being callous and edgy (racist and antisemitic) and its mega put me off from cluster b circles on her as a black jew w npd and bpd. like when i was a kid i only bonded wit this 1 other kid who had low empathy (white) and we got on great for a while but they would call me racist and ableist slurs "just to see my reaction" pull on my hair, throw chairs at kids "for fun" and generally just do violent and racist shit toother kids and then say they couldn't help it. and as adults they still say what they did to me and those kids wasn't that bad. because they didnt like. srsly injur us. and u don't get to decide whether the trauma you inflicted on ther ppl is actually bad or not? esp if ur wwhite and its racially motivated. like they'll just prodly admit to violent ableism antisemitism and racism and then wonder why we're untrusting. like sorry i have 0 sympathy for "recovered" bullies esp if their white. that's why ur literally the only antipsych/cluster b white person i can stand bc the rest use their symptoms as excuses as if they didn't traumatize their friends of color who dealt w similar symptoms. and then bragged abt it nd downplayed it

God your valid that sounds fucking awful to go through??? And yeah in general y'all are so correct when you point out how goddamn awful the vast majority of white NDs are like so many of us forget that we're white before we're ND and that needs to be addressed like and also I think that we (white NDs I mean) need to be really harsh with each other about it like full disclosure the reason I've been able to examine my behaviors and do at least what I'm hoping is the bare minimum of human decency here (not an invitation for praise or anything/g I just don't think I should be giving myself any credit here) is because I've had people be very direct with me and harsh with me about it.

You don't need to hear it of course but God the worst part of the white ND community is the idea that we need to be coddled about unpacking our racism like no we don't lmao also it really is the bitches who are like "omg I'm a cyclepath I'm so evil!! I'm so tough I can take anything!" who will throw a whole fit being criticized over blatant racism for more than half a second, huh?