#I’m sad and lonely and I’ve reached my breaking point

[kingv-theruler]

TW

[sunflowersandsapphires]

Hi, can I request comfort fic with Frank? I just don't really like how my life looks right now... I don't like my job, but don't know what else I can do so I'm stuck here... and I feel really lonely recently and like I don't know what to do with my life... and reading fics are one of the few things that brings me joy...

So I thought about a fic where reader is sad and to cheer her up Frank planned a whole day for them to distract her from not kind thoughts?

And I'm sorry that I kinda dumpt it on you... I have trouble with expressing/describing my emotions and I think that was the first time I expressed those feelings to someone... Of course if you don't feel like writing this you can freely ignore this message, thank you 🫶🏻

Anon, I absolutely feel your pain. I’ve been dealing with my own work drama for months now and some days it feels like I’m going to have to completely start over to be happy. I hope I did your request justice, and if you ever need to rant to someone, my DMs are open :)

pairing: Frank Castle x fem!reader 

summary:  Frank helps you when work is breaking your spirit.

warnings: swearing, hints of smut but nothing graphic

w/c: 3k

Digging your jagged nails into the flesh of your palms, you forced yourself to tune out the overwhelming plethora of stimuli that was currently bombarding you on the subway. Screaming children, the heat of bodies crowding around you, the shrieking of wheels on metal tracks, some old guy coughing up a lung at the back of the car, the bright fluorescent lights beating down on the dozens of people crammed in here like sardines. Fuck, you hated the subway. 

It was especially unbearable on days where you were already overtired from work—which, recently, seemed to be every day. This job was supposed to be your ticket to a good life and a stable future, but instead it was a joyless, energy-sapping, waste of your fucking time. Your coworkers were catty, your boss far too demanding for the bottom of the barrel wages you received, and the work itself was dreary. Each day you sat in that cubicle, you could feel the light inside you flickering, just waiting for one more lackluster employee review to be completely snuffed out. 

Clearly, you weren’t the only one who felt this way about your place of employment, given that over a third of the staff at your level had quit in the last two months. Unfortunately for you, this meant longer hours and crankier conversations with your superiors, who were consistently disappointed in your performance despite you efficiently accomplishing everything that was asked of you. 

Not only did longer hours lead to you getting overstimulated on the subway, but it meant you’d been spending less time at home with your boyfriend. You’d barely seen Frank this month, between his trips out of town and your rigorous schedule, and it was driving you up a wall. All you wanted was to let him wrap himself around you, petting your hair as you cried and holding you tight when you eventually fell asleep. Though, with the way your days were going lately, most of the time you didn’t want to be touched. You just wanted to shove crap food in your mouth and pass out before you had to go back to that hellscape in the morning. 

Frank was the kindest, most thoughtful partner you’d ever had, so he gave you plenty of space on the days you came home in an emotion-filled silence. He could read your moods pretty well at this point, and always respected your wishes, even if it meant he’d be nursing a beer in the living room alone until he went to sleep. You’d hoped that today would grant you enough energy to enjoy some time with him, but the world wasn’t that charitable. 

Shuffling off the subway amongst the masses, you let your body droop slightly as you trudged back to your apartment. Practically crawling up the stairs, you eventually reached the door—shoving it open in frustration as tears pricked at the corners of your eyes. 

Instantly, you were greeted with the sound of soft music and the smell of onions and garlic cooking. Frank was in the kitchen, swaying almost imperceptibly to the song he was listening to, stirring a pot of what looked like tomatoes.  

“Hey, doll,” He greeted you softly, throwing you a smile over his shoulder but remaining planted at the stove, probably in an attempt to give you space.

“Hi.” Your voice was breathy and small, your stony face accented with glassy eyes. 

Frank knew better than to expect that everything would change in a day, but the sight of your crumpling face broke his heart. Stepping towards you with a furrowed brow, he tried for a small smile. “Another bad day?” 

You nodded, the force of the movement drawing two parallel tears down your cheeks. Sniffling, you didn’t respond, confident that your voice would crack if you did. 

“Do you want a hug?” Frank asked, hesitating a few feet from you as he waited for your answer. 

“I’m n-not sure, Frankie.” You admitted, more tears pooling as you did. “Not r-right now, I think.” 

Nodding in understanding, Frank crossed his arms, as if to keep himself from hugging you anyway. “Alright, sweet girl. Not a problem. Why don’t you go lay down while I finish dinner, hm?” 

Sighing, you nodded once, padding to the bedroom and collapsing into the blankets with a poorly stifled sob. Frank winced at the sound, his hands burning with an ache to hold you, to make everything better, but he couldn’t do that until you were ready. 

You’d only given him glimpses of the nightmare you were living. Whether you didn’t talk to him about it because you were worried it would scare him away, or because you didn’t trust him, he wasn’t sure—though the dark parts of his mind were convinced it was the latter. Regardless, Frank did his best to maintain a cozy home for you. It couldn’t be easy to have a mass-murderer-turned-government-hit-man as a partner, waiting around on your own for days while he worked odd jobs for Madani, but you’d never let it impact your love for him. 

You were thoughtful, sweet, and adorably shy—not to mention you balanced him out in ways he’d never expected. The pair of you brought out the best in each other, despite your peculiar relationship. You’d never made him feel distant or guilty for leaving, simply welcoming him back from his trips with open arms and eager eyes. Yet, the past few months your job had been eating at you, sapping the life from your beautiful eyes and leaving a listless husk of his girlfriend behind. 

He didn’t want to pry, far too afraid of snapping your already fragile composure and ruining the bond you shared. But every day you came home holding back tears, and it was going to kill him. He’d rip your office apart with his bare hands if it would end your misery, though he knew you’d never ask him to do that. 

So, instead, he did as much as he could—laying out his softest sweatshirt on your bed, playing quiet music, making a warm meal for the two of you to share—all in an effort to take something off of your plate, to remove an ounce of weight from your shoulders. After a week with no indication that any of this was helpful, he’d started scheming. 

Hopefully, it wouldn’t take too much begging to convince you to take an extra day off…

Stirring the tomato sauce one final time as he removed it from the heat, he tilted the pot over the cooked pasta, letting a ribbon of sauce drape over the noodles before giving it a quick stir. Scraping a dollop of sauce out of the pot with his finger, he popped the digit in his mouth, eyes closing in satisfaction at the array of flavors. 

Brushing his hands across his jeans, he plated two generous helpings of pasta, assuming you had worked through lunch once again, and set them in front of two chairs at your table. Steeling himself for the sight of your tear streaked face, he shuffled over to the bedroom and knocked softly. 

“Darlin’? You ready to eat?” Keeping his voice low, he gingerly opened the door. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light that managed to slip through your curtains, his heart squeezed at the sight of you sleeping, curled in fetal position. Your delicate hands clenched around your covers like they were your lifeline, your damp face squashed against his pillow. Biting his lip in thought, he returned to the main room to cover the pasta. 

Spending very little time tidying up, he wandered back into the bedroom, stripping out of his clothes in exchange for a pair of sweats and a worn Henley. Settling behind you with a book in hand, he slipped under the covers as unobtrusively as possible before his inner monologue made him pause. Would you even want him beside you? Was he crossing a line?

Thankfully, he didn’t have to worry about that for long as your sleeping form unconsciously wrapped around him, a small sigh falling from your lips as you nuzzled into his stomach. Smiling down at you, his free hand came up to stroke over your hair, his own grin widening when the soft touch made your lips twitch up in a sleepy smile. He thumbed through about a chapter of his book before you began to stir, shining lashes fluttering as your eyes opened. As the sleep disappeared from your eyes, Frank felt another wave of apprehension cresting in his chest, but the tide was quickly settled by your sweet gaze. Nestling into his side more deeply, you hummed in appreciation. “Hi, Frankie.” 

“Hi, sweet girl. Did you have a good nap?” A teasing mirth danced in his gaze, making you avert your eyes bashfully. 

“Mmm hmm. Sorry.” You murmured, rubbing your face against the fabric of his shirt. 

Clucking his tongue, Frank slid down to face you, tracing a thumb over your cheek. “No reason to be sorry, dollface. I’m glad you slept, you’ve been tired.” 

Sighing deeply, you traced the buttons on his shirt. “Work’s been a lot, recently.” 

“I figured as much, doll. Ya don’t gotta tell me anything, but I’m always here to listen, yah?” The tip of his thumb caressed your ear. 

Blinking back tears, you looked up at him apologetically, “I didn’t mean to keep you in the dark, Frank, it’s just so stupid and I—“

“Hey, hey, it ain’t stupid.” Frank tugged you impossibly closer, brushing tears off your face carefully. “If it bothers ya, it’s not.” 

“You just…” You drew in a ragged breath, the inhale catching on a sob. “You have so much to worry about already, and I don’t want to be a burden!” Bawling now, you felt your chest constricting at the thought of dumping more work onto Frank’s already overflowing to-do list. 

“You’re not a burden.” Frank spoke fiercely, looking deep into your eyes. “You have never been a burden, doll. Never.”

His words were a promise, you drank in his commitment with immense desperation, praying to forces you didn’t believe in that he was being truthful. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Frankie,” Your voice cracked on the admission. “I’m fine at my job, but nobody can see that, and I don’t feel satisfied by the work that I’m doing but it’s all I know! I can’t just quit, I don’t have any other plan, this is everything I’ve worked for and—“ Your ramble broke off into sobs, your breath hitching as Frank shushed you quietly. 

“I know, I know, doll. It sucks right now and I’m so sorry.” Rubbing a hand over your back, Frank encouraged you to breathe, waiting until your lungs could actually take in oxygen before continuing. “Sweetheart, if ya wanna quit, I’ll support ya. If ya wanna stick it out, I’ll support ya. Regardless of what you choose, I’ll be right here at the end of the day.” 

“I can’t quit, Frank, we need the money.” You whimpered. 

“Hey, we can figure it out if we need to. It ain’t a problem.” 

Nodding against his palm, you considered your options. “For now, I’ll stick it out. But, thank you.” 

“No need to thank me, honey. It’s my job to look out for ya, remember?” His sappy remark sparked a tiny smile from you. “You’re my girl, sweetheart. I’m always gonna take care of my girl.” 

Nuzzling into his chest, you stifled a yawn before abruptly looking up at him with wide eyes. “Shit, Frankie, what time is it? Did I miss dinner?” Wriggling out of his embrace, you wiped the lingering tears off your face before sitting up. Frank bit his tongue to keep from chuckling at your genuine concern. 

“Dinner is waiting for us, sweet girl. I’m in no rush.” Cradling your neck, Frank pressed a languid kiss to your lips, taking advantage of your distraction and flipping you on top of him. 

“Frank!” You squealed, beaming down at him with more happiness than he’d seen from you in weeks. 

“What?” He questioned innocently, gently leading your face back to his for another kiss. 

“What’s gotten into you?” You wondered aloud, returning the kiss but looking at him with feigned exasperation. 

“I ain’t allowed to love on you now?” Frank asked, raising an eyebrow at you. 

You rolled your eyes, shuffling off of him and out of the bed. “C’mon, you sap. Let’s eat the dinner you made before it’s ruined.” 

As the night sky populated with stars, Frank doted on you insistently. He’d reheated your dinner, turned on your favorite movie, even brought you a pint of your favorite ice cream for dessert. You’d gratefully accepted his comforts, yet he still seemed to be holding back. As he puttered around in the kitchen, doing the dishes alone (he’d staunchly refused your help), you could see the wheels turning in his brain. 

“Frank, is something wrong?” You asked, picking at a stray thread along the seam of the blanket he’d wrapped around your shoulders, gazing over at him as your heart rate pounded anxiously.

“Huh?” Your timid question snapped him out of his thoughts, his hands nearly flinging the soapy dish across the room as he spun towards you. “Oh, uh, no. Nothing’s wrong, sweetheart.” 

Unconvinced, you nodded, nibbling on a hangnail poking out from your thumb. In an attempt to self-soothe, you shifted your attention back to the tv, but Frank’s energy still seemed out of place. 

Placing the last plate in the dishrack, Frank dried his hands, ambling over to you with a hesitant smile. “I gotta ask ya something, doll.”

Nervousness spiking, you nodded, tilting your head in anticipation of his query.

“If I asked ya to call in sick tomorrow, what would ya say?” Frank’s jaw was tight as he asked, clearly expecting anger in response.

“I’d say absolutely, love. Why do you ask?” “I was hopin’ you’d wanna take an extra day, to escape those assholes and maybe do something fun?” If you didn’t know any better, you’d say Frank Castle looked nervous. His eyes flirted between your gaze and his lap, his trigger finger twitching. 

“Oh, Frank, I’d love that!” You gushed, throwing your arms around him. He grunted in surprise, his own hands coming up to hold you in place so you didn’t topple off the couch. “I’ve been hesitant to take sick days because everyone’s been so on edge lately, will you sit with me when I call in?” 

“Course I will. If anyone gives ya trouble, they’ll have me to answer to.” Frank assured you with a menacing glint in his eye. Kissing his nose, you stroked a knuckle over his stubbled cheek. 

“Thank you, handsome.” 

“Anything for my girl.” 

True to his word, Frank made sure you were seated comfortably in his lap when you called in sick, both so that he could rub reassuring circles along your waist, and so that he could hook his chin over your shoulder to listen for any flack you might be given. Fortunately for your boss, they grumbled an “ok” and hung up quickly. Anything ruder than that, and they might have been on The Punisher’s shit list. 

Sinking backwards into your boyfriend’s sturdy chest, you shuddered. “Glad that’s over with.” Breathing deeply, you took a moment to collect your anxious self before standing to get ready for the day. Or, trying to stand, at least. 

A set of strong hands caught your hips, yanking them backwards to hold you in Frank’s lap. 

“Frank!” A small fit of giggles burst out of you as his fingers pressed into your ticklish skin. 

“What’s the hurry, doll? We’ve got all day.” Planting heated kisses along your neck, you felt Frank smile when you mewled in response. “Attagirl, let me make ya feel good, hmm?” 

Whisking you back to the bedroom, Frank helped you forget all about your shitty job. 

Slightly breathless following your morning exercise, you hummed happily as Frank continued to press his lips to the exposed flesh of your body, taking care to show every piece of you as much love as possible. Boxing you in with his massive arms, he molded his beautifully crooked nose against yours, finishing his trail of kisses with a lengthy kiss to your lips. 

“So, what did you have planned for today?” You asked against his lips, threading a hand in his hair. 

“Nothin’ much. I was thinkin’ maybe nice coffee and a trip to that museum you’ve been talkin’ about?” A blush crept over his cheeks. “Sorry, doll, I, uh, I ain’t too good with this…” He gestured between the two of you. 

“Aw, Frankie,” You scolded gently, kissing him tenderly. “You’re plenty good at ‘this’.” You mirrored his gesture and he rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, honey. You’re the most romantic partner I’ve ever had. And that plan sounds lovely. Let me clean up and we can go for coffee.” 

As you curled into a seated position, Frank caught your wrist. “Hey! Where do you think you’re goin’?” 

“To wash up!” You giggled, striding back over to the bed where he slotted you between his legs. 

“Nah, you’re gonna sit right here while I draw you a bath. And I’m gonna run to the coffee place across the street and get ya one of those sugary drinks ya like so much. Then we can go out, if ya feel up to it.” His demanding tone made you smirk, his military tendencies tended to come out when he was concerned about you. 

“That sounds perfect, love.” You kissed his cheek, sitting on the bed as he headed to the bathroom. 

The rest of the day passed quickly, leaving you longing for more cozy time with Frank. Though he considered himself lacking in the romance department, he’d provided you nothing but pure love on your day off, indulging your every whim just to see you smile. 

And as you fell asleep at the end of the day, you clung tightly to him, trusting him to get you through whatever life threw your way.

[lady-phasma]

It’s me again 💝

I’ve been in the Hotd fandom since the show first aired but got really into it once adult Aemond showed up . I’ve dabbled in a bunch of what I call creator content, fics , imagines even editing videos … I just don’t seem to find my people or I have people and they talk for awhile but then ghost . I try not to stress cause I get it we have lives and that shit comes first but it’s just idk sad when I try so hard and I’m lost in the crowd if you will. I’ve reached out to people via dm and I usually try to comment and give my opinion to get some interaction . Perhaps I’m making a bigger deal than I should . I would love to come off anon and dm but I just don’t wanna be judged and I say this even though I know people reading this will think pathetic . It is what it is

Hi 💝! Thank you for writing again! First, no negative self-talk on my blog. 😊 It's not a rule exactly, but I don't support it. Maybe you follow me, that's irrelevant, but I doubt that the demographic of my followers will think anything about this is pathetic. Outside of them, if they think that, they can block me and then we don't have to worry about their opinions, do we?

Now that's out of the way, don't worry about coming off anon. You don't have to or you can decide later. I answered another ask and said this and it bears repeating:

Feelings are valid, but they are not always truth.

Maybe it is a big deal to you at this point in your life. It has been to me at other times (not on Tumblr because I was on a near-10 year break from it). I don't like to give advice because I'm not in your shoes. I can only offer an ear to listen and my honest opinions.

Keep creating!! Whether it's in a fandom setting or not. I only write what I want to write. I only make gifs of what I want (or need for a fic). Make things when you feel inspiration or even if you don't. Drop your imagines in here if you want. Especially (but not limited to) excitement you have during the second season! There is going to be so much lovely chaos during the second season. We are all going to have thoughts!

As for your experience on your blog, follow more people, reblog with comments/discourse (if it's kind and not hurtful). And try not to compare yourself to others. I know it's difficult when notes on a post feel so damn good, but they aren't always immediate. And be yourself. I don't mean any of this as advice - it's just how I behave on here. Try not to try, just be.

I am so glad you've been in the fandom since the start! I stared my HotD experience on AO3 because I had been on there for years. Then a conversation in the comments in October 2022 got me on Tumblr for the first time since 2013/14. I'm so glad it did! There has been drama (I took a hiatus from Jan 2023 until March 2024) but there has been more joy and fun than that for me. I do that on purpose.

As I've said before, there were about 9 million viewers for the season 1 finale. That's a lot of people. More than I can imagine. So, if I were to offer advice it would be this: this time around for me I have been looking at the tags I follow more often than I used to. I look at posts that are like-minded: kind posts, funny posts that don't make fun of any part of the fandom, and posts about niche characters/elements. Then I look at that blog further, check out older posts to see if they have my same values (or close), and if so, I give them a follow. People don't always follow back, that's okay. But I get to see their positivity or inclusivity and that enriches my experience. The Nettles community is one of the best out here and I am so glad I get to be a part of it. We don't always agree but it's so fun to find a part of another aspect of the fandom. I throw my net wide because there are so many of us.

Lastly, like I said in a recent answer: what do you do to make others feel heard? Do you comment on posts when people express that they are lonely in a fandom? Do you give them a hug emoji or a "hey, I see you" kind of reaction? I do these things when I see those posts because what we put out comes back to us. Treat others how you want to be treated. That's not to say you haven't been doing this but if you haven't, maybe think about why - are you shy, judgmental, unsure how it will be received, or other motivations to keep scrolling?

I want everyone to have a great time in this or any fandom. This fandom in particular needs more positivity and inclusivity. I didn't get the nickname auntie for nothing. 💕 But it's never forced or fake. Come back to my inbox any time and as often as you like. We don't have to keep discussing this unless you want to! Is Aemond your favorite? Which episode do you dislike the most? Are you excited about something in particular for season 2? But there is no expectation or obligation.

[unicyclehippo]

Safety

imogen watches her when they return to the city. she pretends she isn’t doing it and laudna is never quite quick enough to catch her in the act, but after decades of being what she is, laudna knows what it feels like to be watched.

it hurts more than she would like to admit, that imogen is the one watching. waiting for the next time she snaps. it hurts more than she thought it would, but it isn’t just the watching—it’s the fact that a crack opened up between them as surely as it had on the crystal that night, and apologies and traded gifts had done little to patch it. with every new pressure, laudna can feel the crack widen and widen and now imogen is staring at her from across the fissure and for all that laudna is never truly alone, she is lonely.

‘imogen?’

oh what a bitch her voice is to betray her, to escape her so quietly, so uncertain. it has purple eyes locked on her in a split second, and in even less time, imogen’s mind pressed against hers.

what’s wrong? she asks, and when her body catches up to her shockingly quick mind, she asks again.

‘laudna? what’s wrong?’

their friends are making no effort to look like they aren’t listening. laudna feels her skin blotch, hot and cold in awful patches. she sidles close to imogen, wants to touch her hand, coax her shoulders down from around her ears. wants, with all her heart, to feel as though her feet are on solid ground. not like her toes are skimming against it, just out of reach.

‘laud?’ imogen steps closer, ducks her head so she can peer up through the curtain of hair that drips between them. she hesitates, then splits it with a gentle hand. ‘hey, are you in here?’

it draws a soft laugh, and the implicit question—are you okay?—is without charge, without weight. gentle concern.

imogen makes a choked noise when laudna’s eyes overfill. she pulls her into the nearest alley—snaps over her shoulder to some unspoken query, ‘give us a moment!’—and pulls her handkerchief from her neck, presses it into laudna’s hand. she lets the curtain remain, lets laudna hide behind it until she has stoppered her tears and parts the divide herself.

‘s-sorry,’ she sniffs, wipes her nose. ‘i don’t know what - what came over me.’

imogen nods, sympathy clear in every line of her. the twist of her lips, her eyes, brimming with a sad sort of care. ‘did something happen out there?’

‘no, no. oh gosh, it’s - it’s so silly,’

‘no, hey.’ imogen reaches out, grabs her arm, and stops still.

for a moment, laudna is afraid that she regrets her action, and then imogen’s fingers flex and she only adjusts her grip, closes her hand around laudna’s wrist, palm beneath and bearing what little weight laudna presses down into it. her thumb strokes across laudna’s skin, and laudna’s eyes flutter closed, entranced, overwhelmed. had it been only a matter of days? not even. imogen had held her hand the night before as they fell into sleep together. but there was need there, laudna reminds herself, need and fear. this… this was something else.

her skin tingles with each swipe of imogen’s thumb.

‘laud? honey?’ imogen calls to her sweetly. a furrow dug between her brows. ‘where’d you go?’

‘i’m- i’m here. i’m here.’ laudna looks from the handkerchief in her hand, to imogen’s hold on her, to soft lilac eyes, flickers between these points until she’s dizzy. squeezes her eyes shut. ‘i’m sorry. i think i got quite overwhelmed.’

imogen doesn’t say anything. just strokes her wrist, her fingers leaving trails of warmth everywhere they pass.

‘i’m sorry,’ laudna says again, voice cracking. ‘for - for the rock, both of them.’

‘what? laud, we’ve talked about this—‘

‘i know, i know,’ she hisses, and she screws her eyes tightly shut, ‘i know, but you’re—i’ve ruined everything, i’ve broken us.’ at imogen’s sharp inhale, she weeps. ‘i tried to make it right, i would do anything to make it right, you can break my things, you can hurt me, anything!’

‘laudna.’

‘it’s all moving so fast, everything is changing and it’s not you and i anymore and i understand but i - please don’t leave me behind, please don’t send me away,’ she begs, and the hurt splintering up, the desperation, throws her eyes wide, steals the strength from her legs. she clings tight to imogen’s hand, her sleeve, and she knows she is crying again, making a frightening mess of herself, but she can’t bear it anymore.

imogen stares, lips parted.

‘i miss you,’ laudna admits, as thick tears leak from the corners of her eyes. ‘and i need you, i do, i’m losing my mind and you’re the only one i trust to understand so please, imogen, tell me what i need to do, what you want. you can have my things, you can scream at me, you can stab me with broken rocks,’

‘laudna,’

‘you can-‘ laudna scrambles for anything, anything she can offer that imogen might want but she has nothing, nothing this vibrant sweet brilliant girl could want, so she scrambles for anything that is precious to her, that she might take in retaliation. ‘you can have pate, destroy him,’ she chokes out, and imogen breaks.

‘laudna,’ she breathes, horrified. ‘no, no—‘

‘tell me what you need—‘

‘i don’t want to hurt you!’ imogen snaps—aghast, horrified. hurt. her fingers slip from laudna’s wrist like touching her burns, but when laudna collapses back against the rough brick of the alley wall, she holds her. hands sure and warm beneath laudna’s elbows.

holding her, she is so close. close enough that laudna could bite her, keep a little piece of imogen with her always if she is to be sent away. close enough that laudna could kiss her, her wretched wheeling mind tells her. she does neither.

imogen’s cheeks are wet. her eyes are wide and wet and clear—like laudna is seeing her, her anxieties, her care, her exhaustion, her struggle for control plainly, like some barrier has fallen, and laudna doesn’t know if she broke it or if imogen has let it fall.

‘laudna,’ she says again, corners of her mouth tilted down the weight of everything she is holding, with the weight of laudna, whose heart aches at the thought.

‘i never meant to be a burden,’ laudna says, though imogen is not privy to the way laudna sees her. laudna touches her cheek, the lines of strain. ‘i only wanted to help, only ever to—‘

‘i know. i know that. i know,’ imogen insists, and her hands tremble under laudna’s arms, and then laudna is trembling because imogen leans forward and presses their bodies together. not quite a hug. a pressure that feels sure and safe, solid.

without moving away, imogen speaks. her voice drops low, to a dangerous octave laudna has not heard often. it rumbles through her, passes from imogen to her, pressed close as they are. laudna’s breathe catches. in the absence of breath, it is easier to hear imogen as she says, hands clenching tight around laudna’s elbows, thumbs pressed to her pulse there like she can embed herself, her words, into what passes for blood, perhaps to bruise her words, indelible, into her skin.

‘never offer those things to me again,’ imogen says to her. her hands shake. she presses a little harder. it doesn’t hurt. ‘that’s not who i want to be.’

laudna trembles. nods.

imogen breathes in. her stomach presses against laudna’s, soft, shifts with her breathing. laudna’s nails dig into her arms to hold her in place before she can move away.

‘laud,’

‘please,’ she whispers. ‘a moment longer.’

imogen stills. nods. when she speaks again, her voice is forcibly calm. ‘we do need to talk. properly. about everythin’ that’s happened. but i—you need to know, laud, i don’t want you to go, i don’t want to send you away. fuck,’ she swears suddenly, and light splinters behind laudna’s eyes at the way the word cracks between imogen’s teeth. ‘if i could, i’d keep you right next to me. every fucking minute of the day.’ she draws back, despite laudna’s claws, and she’s no longer crying but her eyes are clear. she isn’t watching laudna. just looking. ‘we’ll talk, yeah?’

‘yes. yes,’ laudna whispers. ‘imogen…’

‘a minute longer,’ imogen says, and laudna doesn’t know if she gleaned the request from laudna’s mind or if she wants the same, but imogen leans in, presses her solid weight to laudna and holds her there for a minute more.

[chaotic-super]

For Her Sake - Chapter 13

Read For Her Sake on AO3 here!

The past two weeks have been impossibly crazy.

Between Cat being a bitch and purposefully setting her up with impossible tasks that are just a pain in the ass to try and fulfil and the weather being non-stop rain, Kara has never been so glad to reach the weekend, especially knowing that as soon as she leaves the office in less than an hour, she’s most likely never going to have to walk back in here ever again.

Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Winn waving her over. She smiles and gets up, grabbing a little something off her desk on her way over and hiding it in her palm.

“Hey.” She stops beside his desk.

“Hey, how are you doing? How does it feel to be nearing the end?” Winn leans back in his chair, spinning it around so he’s facing her better. “You’re going to be free in right around…” he flips his wrist dramatically to check his watch, “fifty-one minutes.”

Kara shrugs. “I have no idea how I feel. It’s kind of a relief but it’s also kind of, I don’t know…sad? I’m going to miss this place, or at least miss what it used to be. I’m glad to see the back of the never-ending to-do list I’ve been working off the last couple of weeks though. I’m really excited to start over at Reign though, I think a fresh start is exactly what I’ve been needing and with Alex working at L-Corp it’s setting us up to be just fine. We’re finally getting somewhere, Winn and it feels just so refreshing.”

Winn grins at her. “You look happy.”

“I am.”

“I’m not happy.” Winn follows up on his previous statement.

Kara’s happy demeanour drops in an instant. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not happy that you’ve been using the daycare for Alex’s job to take care of Lori where I can still pick her up. You know I love that kid.”

Kara shakes her head. “Winn, that was before I found out you were taking a pay cut to finish early to go and get her. It’s free for the daycare and you can still come over whenever you want and take her out on a weekend of anything where you’re not losing money just to help us out.”

“Ok, it was like, barely any money difference and it’s not the same. Even if it’s not every day, give me like…two days a week or something? Come on…it’s just two days.” He can see Kara breaking so he leans closer, pouting obnoxiously. “Please.”

Kara leans back, giggling slightly and giving in. “Ok, ok. Two days a week. Whichever two suit you best.”

“Good.” He drops the pout, chuckling along with her and beaming. “I miss the little munchkin.”

“You only saw her like, three days ago.”

“My point still stands.”

Kara presses her fingers into the thing in her hand. “I’ve got a little something for you.”

“If it’s not the Pikachu figurine from your desk, I don’t want it.”

Kara smiles and puts that very item on his desk, watching closely as his eyes light up. “You’re in luck. I won’t have a desk at Reign so this is for you.”

Winn snatches it up the second Kara’s hand has retracted, lifting the little figurine up and closer to his face so he can look at it closely. “Really? You’re serious? You’re giving me your desk Pikachu?”

“I am.” Kara folds her arms feeling kind of cool because she’s giving Winn something he’s been asking for since she got the little thing a couple of years back.

“You’re really giving me the Pikachu that you found in the parking lot at Comic-Con?”

“I am. Please cherish it, it took a lot of energy for me to bend down to pick it up.” Kara laughs taking it from him and positioning it between a few of his other collectables. “It’s also to help keep you company since we all know you’ll be super lonely here without me, I am like, the best person ever.”

Winn looks at the Pikachu fondly before looking up at Kara with the same look in his eyes. “I know that’s a joke but I’m really going to miss seeing you pretty much every day. I mean, I’ll still come visit you and I’m really happy you’re happy but I am going to miss you.”

“I’m really going to miss you too. You’re what made working here so fun.” Kara grabs his arm, pulling him up so he’s standing and she can give him a proper hug. “Thanks for making my time here so good, it wouldn’t have been half as amazing as it was if you weren’t here.”

She goes to pull back but Winn’s strong arms stop her, keeping her in the hug and she realizes why just moments later when she feels something wet hit her shoulder. Rather than call attention to it, she just holds him tightly, her arms strong against his back as she lets him take his time.

Kara had no idea that he cared about her enough to cry about her leaving. He’s her best friend and they are still going to see each other but he’s taking this hard, obviously not putting up any resistance for her sake so she doesn’t second guess a decision that is good for her and Lori.

He pulls back after a long sniff, frantically wiping at his eyes. “Sorry, it just got real.”

Kara runs her hands up and down his upper arms, trying her best to soothe him. “Don’t be sorry, Winn. Hey, why don’t you come back to our place tonight? We’ve managed to put some money aside for takeout and we’re ordering pizza so if you want to come and hang out with the coolest people on Earth, you’re welcome to.”

“Ok.” Winn nods, taking no convincing. “I want to play Mario Kart though.”

“Whatever you want,” Kara says. “Now get back to work, we still have like, forty-five minutes left before we’re free and while it doesn’t matter for me, you can still get fired.”

Winn grumbles. “Uh, I hate that. Is Reign hiring? I am not above following you.”

“Unfortunately not and we both know you couldn’t do a job that doesn’t involve computers, you’re very smart but I would not trust you to carry plates across a room without tripping.” Kara backs away, a big grin on her face. “Now, hop to it, Winslow. Work, now.”

Winn twizzles his chair back around, mumbling what sound like some very inappropriate words under his breath.

Kara heads back to her desk, plopping down in her chair with a thump. It’s half broken, about to give way any day now but she put in a maintenance request weeks ago and it never got replaced, she doesn’t have to worry about it anymore.

With just a little bit of time left, she decides to pack up the few things she still has on her desk. Most of it has been going home with her each night over the past couple of weeks but there are a few things still to come home with her so she grabbed an empty box on her way back from lunch and has had it stored just behind her chair since for this exact moment.

Kara places it down on the floor at her side and slowly begins piling things into it starting with the little plant she has had on her desk which she still hasn’t figured out if it’s fake or real but she has been watering for the past year with the dregs of her coffee at least twice a week. It is placed in the corner of the box, leaving lots of space for the few books she’s got in the bottom drawer of her desk, the ones she has sneakily been reading whenever there’s a free few minutes at work and Cat is out in a meeting. She’s never taken them home because the thought of the weight of them hanging off her shoulder was too awful to think about but now, she’s got no other choice.

There are several knickknacks and random objects that she’s not even sure when they migrated from her place to the office but she’s taking them home anyway. Just to be petty, she ends up taking her good pair of scissors and her stapler too because she bought them a while ago when it was taking too long for her requests to go through, that was back before the accident when she had the money to do things like that.

There’s just one thing left to go, a picture of her, Alex and Lori. It’s just a small one, mostly because she was always too afraid to show off her personal life too much but looking at that picture and seeing what she was working for has always given her the strength to get through the days that were otherwise unbearable. She’s spent a lot of time looking at it since she put her resignation in.

As soon as her desk is clear of everything except for her laptop and CatCo schedules and such, the things she can’t take home because it’s CatCo property, she closes the lid of the box and pushes it to one side. There’s not a lot she can do now, she worked through lunch to make sure all of Cat’s scheduling is done for the next week just so it can’t be said that she didn’t treat her fairly in her leave so there’s literally nothing left for her to do.

A glance over at Winn and his screen shows her that he is fully focused on his work so she can’t just annoy him so she’s got to look busy. She grabs one of her notebooks that she put in her box, she found several because she used to have a problem with buying notebooks she will never write in, and flips it open to a random blank page and then starts scribbling random lines, zigzagging along the page just to pass the time.

With only fifteen minutes left, she does that for a solid five before giving up and tossing it into the box again and then lifting it onto her desk. She then wanders around the bullpen and starts saying her goodbyes.

Most of the people there have been lovely to her and she knows a lot of them well through short conversations in the break room and through early morning elevator chitchat. They are all surprised that she’s leaving since she never told anyone and well, in most cases where someone is an assistant at a big company like this one, it’s so they can progress there and climb rank so it’s odd that she’s leaving whilst still only on the bottom rung.

She makes her rounds, getting a lot of well wishes and hugs along the way and then heads back to her desk where Winn is waiting, his bag slung over his shoulder.

“Are you ready?”

“Can you wait a couple of minutes? There’s one more person I need to say goodbye to.”

“Sure,” Winn says but tilts his head at her, confused and unsure who else she could need to speak to.

His eyebrows practically shoot up into his hairline when she walks past him and knocks on the glass door of Ms Grant’s office.

“Ms Grant?”

“Yes?” Cat looks up from her computer looking bored.

“I’m leaving now so I wanted to come and say goodbye.” Kara walks through the office, stopping just short of her desk. “I want to leave on good terms with you, I have a lot of good memories here and this place still means a lot to me so I was hoping we could just put the past behind us and I can just go without any regrets.”

Cat stares at her suspiciously as Kara sticks her hand out towards her. “Why?”

“Because before everything happened, I thought we were friends and I’d like to leave that way, even if we never end up seeing each other again. Besides, it’s good for your reputation if everyone out there sees me leaving on a good note.” She nods her head aimlessly towards the bullpen where most people are packing up their things to go home.

With a touch of reluctance, Cat reaches over and shakes her hand, her grip a lot stronger than Kara imagined someone of her stature would be capable of. “Kara, I may not agree with your choices, especially your choice to leave but I do admire your drive to take care of your family, I can respect that. I wish you well.”

“You too, Ms Grant. I did your schedules for next week to give whoever you’re replacing me with a chance to figure their crap out. Call it a parting gift. Try not to make them cry.” Kara smiles warmly at her one last time before leaving, aware of Cat’s piecing gaze pinned on her back as she makes her way out for the last time.

Winn is holding her box, having been not-so-sneakily watching their interaction from his spot leaning against her desk. “You ok?”

“I am,” Kara answers and goes to take her box but Winn holds it out of her reach.

“Not a chance, now let’s go, I’m starving.”

“Me too.” Kara mumbles, somehow, not quite as sad as she thought she would be to see the back of this building that has been a major part of her life for years.

-

Kara and Winn get back to the apartment before Alex does because she’s picking Lori up too so for the first time in a while, she gets the place to herself, well almost to herself but Winn doesn’t count.

“Why don’t you set up Mario Kart while I go and run and have a quick shower before Alex and Lori get back?” Kara says, her question really a demand.

“You got it, boss,” Winn answers, taking one of Alex’s beers that Kara offers to him on her way through the bedroom to the bathroom.

She’s purposefully quick because she doesn’t want to make Winn wait and she doesn’t know exactly what time Alex will get back because usually, she’s home long after Alex gets back because she takes public transportation but Winn drove here today so what is a trip that usually takes over an hour was little more than fifteen to twenty minutes.

Hopping out of the shower, she throws on some comfy pants and a blue cotton tee, dressing mostly for comfort and dries her hair, not bothering with make-up.

Winn is on the couch scrolling through his phone when Kara wanders back out into the living room. “Hey, it’s all set to go, want to start now or are we waiting until Alex and Lori get here?”

“We should probably wait until they get here, I love that little girl but man does she get competitive and I don’t want to hear her spend the night complaining that we got a head start.” Kara sinks into the couch beside Winn, her head instantly leaning back into the cushions and her eyes half-closing.

“Your closed eyes tell me you’d like to sit in silence while we wait for them.”

“That’s one hundred percent correct.” Kara mumbles.

“You’re a terrible host but ok.” Winn snickers, his eyes falling back to his phone right away. He doesn’t mind just sitting here with Kara, it won’t be the first time they have gone to hang out and just ended up sitting in the same room doing two separate tasks in complete silence.

Within a couple of minutes, the past two weeks and the relief of finally leaving that place in the past where it belongs has Kara snoring, her head thrown all the way back and Winn silently laughing at her, his shoulder shaking and his fist clenched between his teeth so he doesn’t wake her. His laughter dies down after a couple of minutes but every once in a while he does look up from his phone to smile at her.

She’s still snoring when Alex unlocks the front door and sighs her way through it, Lori skipping in right in front of her. Lori spots her mom and Winn and runs over to them, her eyes bright and joyful. She clambers into Kara’s lap, effectively waking her up and wrapping her little arms around her. “Mommy! You’re home before us!”

“I am, I missed you today, baby.” Kara pulls her close for a cuddle. “Have you had a good day?”

“Uh huh, the best, we got to play in the sand pit and then Aunty Alex invited Lena to come for dinner and she said yes!”

Kara’s eyes widen and she looks over to see Alex standing in the kitchen with none other than Lena Luthor. “Oh yes, I see that. Why don’t you and Uncle Winn catch up so I can go and say hi?”

Winn wants to argue, he wants to meet Lena, she’s basically his idol, but he settles for an excitable little girl instead who is already wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Lena, hi!” Kara greets Lena, heading into the kitchen. “I’m so glad you could make it, especially after I had to cancel on you for dinner before. I’m sorry about that, I was really looking forward to it too.”

Alex throws her hands up. Kara has yet to greet her but is already all over Lena. She shouldn’t have invited her because now she’s stuck watching them moon after each other, neither of them ballsy enough to notice the way the other has a very obvious crush on them.

Lena rests her hand on Kara’s forearm. “Don’t worry about it. It sounds like you’ve had a hell of a time finishing up your time at CatCo. How does it feel to not work there anymore?”

Kara lets out a heavy puff of air. “I don’t even know. It’s strange, I think I’ll miss it but I’m also super excited to start working with Sam. I’m sure you’ve heard all about the time I saw her for lunch a couple of weeks ago, she was lovely. I managed to part ways with Ms Grant in a nice way really, we shook hands and agreed to leave the past in the past so I guess I can’t wish for more.”

“Sam did tell me about that, I should probably warn you that while she’s nice, she’s a blabbermouth to the people she’s closest to, so anything you tell her, she’s probably going to tell me and our other friend, Jack, if you don’t specifically tell her to keep it to herself.”

“Noted.” Kara nods. “Now, shall we order? I’m starving.”

“I’m so down for that.” Alex interrupts them with a small stack of takeout menus, “Winn, Lori, want to come and help pick where we eat?”

Winn grabs Lori, swinging her around as he stands up, making her squeal as he does so and for a second, Kara’s heart is in her mouth because while she trusts Winn, she’s terrified of Lori potentially getting hurt. Her hand flies to her chest, covering her rapidly beating heart. “Careful.” She warns when he settles beside her with Lori propped on his hip.

He sends her a sheepish look before focusing on the menus. “I know we agreed on pizza but I’m thinking that maybe we should order Chinese too, it’s been far too long since I’ve seen you inhale an ungodly amount of potstickers in one sitting.”

Kara clears her throat awkwardly in a mixture of embarrassment because he just really said that in front of Lena and because she feels bad because they have guests over and they can’t afford to get both pizza and Chinese food. “I don’t know, Winn. Maybe we should just stick to the pizza.”

“How about a deal then, you get the pizza you seem to so desperately want and I’ll get the Chinese food, deal?” Winn argues and then sticks out his hand like it’s a done deal.

“Ooh, How about I order Big Belly Burger too?” Lena asks, spotting a menu for there. “I haven’t had one of their burgers in way too long and it’s kind of my guilty pleasure. Come on, let’s make a feast out of it. I’ll order those, Winn gets the potstickers and you guys get the pizza, fair and square.”

Kara knows what they are playing at. Alex does too, to be fair, but she doesn’t really care. Kara feels bad that they have invited Winn and Lena over yet they are going to be paying for a good chunk of the food, it doesn’t feel right but she can’t do much about it, they know what they are doing and this is their way of doing it as delicately as they can without outright saying that they are helping to pay because they know that they are broke.

Well, not broke, not anymore. Alex has been getting paycheques now, weekly ones that help them get on top of everything, but they have mostly just been using it to get up to date on everything so they have been paying off their debts and starting to backpay the rent they missed. As soon as that is done, a couple of months more they think, and then they can think about moving out and getting a better place, one where they all have their own beds at the very least. For that to happen though, they are following a very strict budget and even splurging tonight is a treat they shouldn’t really be splurging on but Alex insisted on celebrating Kara’s new job.

“Fine, fine, but just you guys wait until we manage to move into a new place, we’re going to buy so much food that you will have to roll out of the door when you want to leave.” Alex accepts their offer when it becomes clear that Kara’s not about to.

“Good.” Lena grins, already slipping her phone out of her pocket and starting to order her portion of the food, Winn and Alex doing the same too while Kara plucks Lori off of Winn’s side and pulls her close into another cuddle, only getting slightly offended when she starts wriggling and trying to get to Lena, her little arms reaching out towards her.

Lena, despite being guilted into sitting beside her on the way here, reaches out and lets Lori climb her way over from Kara’s arms into hers, propping Lori’s butt onto the edge of the counter so she can still finish placing the order of a bunch of cheeseburgers, fries, onion rings and milkshakes. They are all eating well tonight.

“Lena, Lena, Uncle Winn set up Mario Kart!” Lori grabs at Lena’s shirt, bunching it in her tiny fists as she excitedly speaks.

“Really? Can you show me?” Lena asks, smiling at how adorable Lori is and putting her down, her heart melting when Lori grabs her hand to take her to the couch.

Kara follows them with her eyes first, her blue orbs soft with the joy that comes with Lori having so many people around that love and care for her. There’s not a person on the planet that she couldn’t force to love her. With that thought in mind, she follows them, sitting on the other side of Lori so she’s sandwiched between her and Lena.

Winn and Alex come and perch on the floor on cushions, their backs to the couch and their focus on the screen, this is about to get competitive.

-

Lena has made it to the kitchen having managed to finally extract the clingy little koala of a girl off her. She’s now fully leaning into Winn’s side, cheering him on in his game against Alex, who seems to be outraged that her niece is cheering against her.

She’s super thirsty and since the food and milkshakes haven’t arrived yet, she’s just planning on grabbing water or something out of the refrigerator but when she opens it, she’s hit with a wave of desire she thought she had banished to the past.

Alex’s beers sit on the shelf enticing her. She hasn’t had a drink in weeks, something she’s really proud of, but the longing is still there, especially when she gets home at night to an empty apartment and there’s nobody around to disappoint but herself. This is a new low though, she’s in Kara���s apartment, gagging for a cheap beer just because she could get a taste of what she’s been depriving herself of.

Without really thinking, her hand reaches out, softly encasing one of the beers but before she can pick it up, Lori appears beside her, tugging on her pants. “Lena, Lena, juice please.”

It’s enough to snap her out of it and make her hat herself a little because of how close she was to taking a beer. With Lori at her side though, she knows she can’t do that, she can’t get away with doing that, so she pours out some juice for Lori and then some for herself. She sends Lori off back to the others but takes a breather, leaning back against the counter and purposefully not looking towards the refrigerator because of the shame.

She stares down into her glass, taking small sips every now and again whilst ignoring the tiny voice in her head telling her that it would be better if it had alcohol in it.

Lena purposefully chases away that voice though. She was an alcoholic, maybe not as bad as other people are, not by a long shot, but she was dependent on her drinks at the end of the night to get her through to the next morning and her yearning for drinks is her body telling her that something is missing, a part of her routine that she became addicted to so she could soothe herself enough to sleep through the night. She doesn’t need that now, she can find meaning in her life without it, she has reasons to get up the next day that aren’t found at the bottom of a glass.

She’s so caught up in her own mind that she barely notices Kara sliding next to her. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Are you ok?” Kara questions, her brow knitted in worry. “You had…a moment.”

Lena nods slowly, even more ashamed now she knows that Kara saw her, and what she almost did. “I did.”

“It’s normal to have moments of temptation, Lena, and for the record, I’m so proud of how long you’ve gone. I think it’s really brave, what you’ve been doing.” Kara rests her hand on Lena’s forearm tenderly, her lips curved into a small smile.

“Maybe but it wasn’t appropriate of me to have almost taken one of those beers. I was close.”

“But you didn’t. You came through.” Kara’s voice is soft and gentle in a way that makes Lena want to cry big fat tears until she’s got no more to cry. “Besides, if I had known you were coming I would have made sure there was no alcohol in the apartment before you got here so you wouldn’t be put in the position where you have to make hard choices.”

Lena ducks her head. “You don’t have to do that for me.”

“I don’t but I want to. You’ve been so good to us and let’s be real, Lori loves you more than me, if there’s anything I can do for you, you know I’m only a call away.”

“There is something you can do for me.” Lena tries carefully.

Kara’s head whips up. “Anything.”

Lena almost laughs at how eager Kara sounds and takes a tiny bit of joy in bursting her bubble. “Stop acting like you owe me something, you don’t. The truth is, helping you guys out, and spending time with you, it’s benefitted me a lot more than it has you. I only have two friends in the city, Sam and Jack, and we don’t get to see each other nearly as often as we’d like because of how busy we are, it makes planning times to get together awful and difficult. You’ve opened your home to me many times now when I had no one else to spend time with, nobody willing, it means a lot to me.”

Kara scrunches her face thoughtfully and Lena can’t help but think that she looks kind of cute. She takes several long moments to come up with something to say and each passing second makes Lena’s nerves grow. “Lena, I didn’t know that hanging out with us means that much to you. I kind of thought we were annoying you by asking you over all the time and that you’ve just been humouring us.”

“Not at all.” Lena shakes her head. “I love it actually, as sad as that sounds. I haven’t had friends that I get to see this often since I was in college and I know that sounds clingy and weird but just getting to see you pretty much every week helps me a lot and if it weren’t for you, I don’t think I could’ve stopped drinking the way I did. I don’t think I would’ve had the balls to. I mean it sucked, especially at the beginning. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I stopped, but I have to give you credit for that choice.”

“The only person that deserves credit for that is you, Lena.” Kara bumps her shoulder with Lena’s. “And just for the record, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to stop thanking you or feeling indebted to you because you saved our asses but I’ll try if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“It does,” Lena confirms. “I think you would have managed to save your own butts anyway.”

“Not from that much debt we wouldn’t have. You gave my daughter a chance at a life she wouldn’t have had if we hadn’t met. I do regret what I did but I can’t find it in me to regret being at your building that day.”

“Lena takes a long sip of her juice. “I don’t regret hiding you from the guards.”

Kara and Lena share a look, one of mutual amusement, before falling into a fit of giggles. They get a few strange looks from both Winn and Alex but ignore them, their giggles too much for them to contain.

Once they manage to reign in their laughter, Lena looks over at the couch where Alex and Winn are sitting with Lori, her face thoughtful as her gaze settles on Winn. She nudges Kara with her elbow. “So, Winn seems nice. Are the two of you—”

“No, we’re just friends,” Kara answers, not needing to hear the end of the question to guess what she was thinking. “He’s been my best friend ever since I started at CatCo. He bumped into me in the elevator when I was going for my job interview and we’ve sort of just stuck together ever since. I don’t know what I’d do without him, he even changed his shift pattern at work to be able to look after Lori when we needed him to and he was always available to pick her up from school, all without asking anything in return. He’s been incredible and he’s the best uncle Lori could ever have.”

Lena feels a rush of admiration for the guy. She had no idea that he was doing all of that and shifted his life around to make it easier for Kara and Alex to juggle everything they had on their plates. “I didn’t know that.”

Kara shrugs. “He’s a big softie. He loves Lori and would do anything for her, just like the rest of us. As much as I love him though, there’s never been anything romantic between us. I mean, he did try to kiss me once and asked me out but he was very respectful when I turned him down and just went back to being my best friend, with no hard feelings or weirdness. He’s one of a kind. Why are you asking about him anyway? Are you interested in him?”

Lena shakes her head quicker than she ever has before. “Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that. I just thought you two were close and maybe you were together. I prefer the company of ladies myself, as adorable as your hobbit friend is.”

Kara chuckles. “He has been known to be called that every once in a while.” She ignores Lena’s other statement, unsure what to make of how it makes her somehow happy and trying to will away the thunderous beating of her heart.

Lena clears her throat. “I have another request.”

“Shoot.” Kara’s surprised to hear it but she’s more than open to it.

“You guys had to cancel on coming over for dinner on me twice now and while I get it, I still want you to come over so if you could make it tomorrow or Sunday, I would appreciate it.”

Kara’s face splits into a grin. “Well, it would be rude of me to turn that request down, wouldn’t it?”

“It would, so when are you free?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Good, call it six?”

“Six it is.” Kara agrees and then jumps when there’s a loud knock at the door. “That’ll be the food.”

Alex has to grab Lori to stop her from charging for the door. She’s Kara’s daughter through and through so she loves her food just as much as her mom does and would happily tackle the delivery person just to get the first bite of the pizza.

Kara and Lena open the door and accept the food. Two of the three deliveries arrive at once, the pizza and the Big Belly Burger order and just as Lena is swinging the door closed, she spots the delivery person for the Chinese food too, catching the door just before it slams so she could take it from him. “Thank you very much.” She slips him a tip, one much too large for what would be deemed ordinary, especially for the building they are in. He probably thinks he just got paid to keep quiet about something he isn’t even aware he saw.

It all gets piled up on the coffee table and it quickly becomes a free for all, each of them snagging whatever it is they want right out of the bags, Kara managing to wrangle a full container of potsticker for herself with no remorse, only sharing with Lori because she got given puppy dog eyes that she’s all too aware mirror her own. It almost makes her feel bad that she uses it on other people. People like Winn.

“Winn, please, you have two burgers, please give me one,” Kara begs, pouting for good measure and then cackling evilly as soon as he gives in and hands one over, taking a slice of pizza for himself as a trade-off.

Lena smirks at the exchange around a bite of her burger, trying her best not to moan at the incredible taste of it. Big Belly Burger is her go-to cheat food and it never gets old, if she weren’t worried about her health and the possibility of blocked arteries, she’d eat it every day.

The sound of milkshakes being slurped and lips smacking fills the air and while the noise would usually make Lena want to burst her own eardrums just so she can stop hearing it because it’s so grating, today it’s a symphony she could listen to on repeat. She’s surrounded by people that are genuinely good and actually care about her.

She was shocked earlier when she stopped by to check on the L-Corp building where Alex works. She made a point of only checking on Alex after talking to a lot of other employees first to not blow her cover and nobody seemed to suspect a thing, definitely not thinking anything of it and not suspecting Alex of secretly recording them doing a hell of a lot of illegal stuff and slowly but surely gathering evidence on them.

While she was checking on her, Alex mentioned them celebrating Kara’s last day at CatCo and invited her over and well, Lena is struggling to say no to any chance to see Kara. She might have a weak spot for the blonde.

Lena looks around at the small group, her eyes lingering on two people in particular and sighs happily, her heart jumping for joy knowing she’s going to be able to do this again tomorrow. Winn belches loudly, making Kara laugh loudly and she makes a mental note to invite him over too. He seems like a good guy and a great person to have in her corner.

As she’s looking around, she notices Alex staring at her and when they make eye contact, Alex smiles at her, sending her an awkward thumbs up, one that she returns just as awkwardly.

If anyone had told her that she could find some semblance of happiness on the floor of a run-down apartment in a building that should probably be condemned, she would have laughed in their face, now, she’s just thankful she’s found it and is going to keep a firm grip on it with both hands.

Read the next 3 chapters early on my Patreon here!

[it-snotam]

red string - chapter 1

changkyun x (fem) emily

angst, smut, fluff, mostly angst tho

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

1.4k word count

warnings: mentions of not wanting to live, mentions of ED a/n: i wrote this so long ago, so the songs at the beginning are quite old. let me know if you want me to tag you when i post another chapter :) ---------------------------------------------------

I'm a ghost of a girl

That I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl

That I used to know well

the lonely – christina perri

At some point in life, I wasn’t quite sure when, but everything started to go wrong in my life, even when it sounds dramatic, that’s exactly how I felt. The feel of staying in bed and sleeping was the only thing keeping me alive. I didn’t want to do much, just sleep, and dream, dream about a life in which I was happier, I was just the opposite of how I’ve been feeling lately.  

Ok, I know I have a thing for the drama, my brother kept telling me that when I was little, and I think it never went away, but got bigger while I was getting bigger. I knew there were people going through hardest things that I could ever imagined, I also knew that nothing out of the extraordinary was going on in my life, it was just boring, I didn’t quite felt like waking up into another day, that would be the repetition of the day before, and so on, it didn’t feel worth it, just living for living a live without passion without love or friends.

Talking about friends, I had started to get away from them again, they were used to it by now, they didn’t care, and they wouldn’t put an effort in reaching out after the first few couple of weeks, because they know it was worthless. I wouldn’t say I didn’t feel sad knowing that my friends, or so called friends weren’t reaching out, cause deep, deep inside my heart? I didn’t were, but I was hoping they would notice, that I wasn’t ok, but at the same time, I just didn’t want to interact with another human being, I could barely tolerate myself sometimes.  

The days in which I enjoyed going out where buried in the past, I could remember liking doing a lot of things, lot of things I had stopped doing, I remember I used to play the guitar, but I’m not sure of having one anymore, or if I’m still capable of playing a musical instrument at all.

At this point, I’d been stuck in my room for two full days, I haven’t been out of bed unless it was totally necessary, I didn’t remember when it was the last time, I had eaten, I remember maybe drinking a bit of water, there was a glass on my night table so I guess I did. All my room was a complete mess, the curtains were closed, since I didn’t want to make the effort to open them, so the darkness of the room was saddening, and not matter how hard I tried, the heaviness that was over my chest wouldn’t go away.

Being in bed, with a dark room, didn’t quite tell me what time of the day it was, my phone’s battery was almost dead on the night table and I couldn’t bring myself to move and grab it to look at the time, nor did I worry about having it turned on, it was weird that someone would call or text me. The only person that I’d say that wanted to call me, was my brother, but it wasn’t too often that he would do so, it was only when he remembered he had a sister.

I could hear in the distance, not so far away cause it was just beside me, that my phone had started to ring, or at least vibrate with an upcoming call, I could see the lighting of the screen, but I couldn’t or wanted to move and grab it, cause I was too comfy, it’s been a while since I’ve been this comfy in bed, and I didn’t want to mess it up to pick up a call that I knew was gonna make me even more upset that I was right now. I knew it was Hyunwoo, talking with him was not on the books right now, he would made me feel like a burden cause he would worry and I was supposed to be an adult, and an adult is supposed to figure things out on their own, so I didn’t have to go and worry my older brother with my stupid little things.

The call finished, but not long after, another call started, the screen showed his face again. I knew that I had to answer now, and I would do, at some point, I would find the strength, knowing my brother as I know him, he is right now starting to freak out and is about to call the police to start the search all around town. And I also knew that he would end up coming here, and I know he was completely capable of kicking out the door in the process.

I didn’t care about the door, thought, and I wouldn’t say I care about much of things nowadays. So, thinking about my options, the best one was to ignore him, until he gives up and stop calling, cause he’d realize, I didn’t want to talk to him, and I wanted to enjoy time by myself, I wanted to go back to sleep to cause I didn’t want to start thinking, my thoughts were driving me insane. I just wanted to go to dreamland where everything was possible.

At some point I think I fell asleep, maybe it was the lack of food I had eaten, or maybe it was sleep time, I think my phone finally ran out of battery completely so no calls woke me up. I don’t exactly know for how long I was asleep, but I opened my eyes, and I wasn’t fully conscious about being really awake or if it was a dream, I wasn’t sure if I had slept for real or if I was just imagining it. The sky seemed to have gotten dark, since I couldn’t see no sun streaks in the room, even if it was morning or night, I was completely lost in time, and I didn’t know about what day it was or the month. The only thing I was sure of, I was in my room, and I was comfortable enough not to move anymore, and the worse thing is that I didn’t know if I could move if I wanted to.

Even after sleeping or sort of sleeping for long hours, I was still feeling tired, really exhausted, my eyes were heavy and I couldn’t control them, so they were closing down and I lost consciousness once again, I could only hear a noise which seemed so far away.

Maybe I should be worried about someone walking into the house, and steal everything from me, but my energy level was at its lowest and I couldn’t really care. The sound I could hear was getting louder, and I could almost hear a voice calling my name.

I believed to know who it was, and I just wanted him to leave already, I didn’t want to see him, I thought it was obvious that I didn’t want to talk to him when I didn’t answer his calls, but my brother was insisting and stubborn, and he wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t sleep with all the noise he was making, I couldn’t open my eyes either, it was like I was stuck in my body, and I felt so tired.

The noise stopped and I thought he had left, but I was more than wrong since a louder noise followed and my heart almost ran out of my body, but I didn’t feel like moving from my safe place.

I could head Hyun Woo’s steps inside the apartment, and even when my eyes were closed, I could feel his gaze on me when he finally walked into the room. I could picture him there standing, arms closed, messy hair, heavy breathing and totally pissed.

—Go away — I said as I hid even more under my blankets, uncomfortable under his strong gaze.

—Get out of there, you need to shower. —he said as he moved the blankets out of my body, and away so I couldn’t grab them and hide under them anymore.

—Go away, I want to sleep.

—I won’t go until you get your ass out of that bed.

—Fuck off Hyunwoo —I said as I sat up quickly enough, I had all the intention to kick his ass out of the apartment so I could go back to my peace.

But as soon as I moved, the room started to move around me, I knew I didn’t have to move, I knew I was ok lying down. I tried talking and curse at my brother again, but before opening my lips, everything turned black.

-

—Emily —Hyunwoo said as he grabbed his sister’s body, she had fainted, and he got to caught her just before she would fall down. She seemed to have been stuck in bed for a really long time.

He was really worried, she had stopped answering and haven’t showed any signal of being alive since the past weekend, and today was Thursday. Something which was rather common in Emily, but this time it was different, she seemed even more tired than usual the last time he has seen her.

In less than a minute he was driving her to the hospital. He knew her too well, and it hurts him to see her like this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

next chapter

[astras-midnight-thoughts]

It’s been months now, exactly how long I cannot remember

Since I called things quit, and put an end to the first real relationship I’d ever had. I remember being sad for a day, then no longer. Perhaps I had already mourned the loss of what we had 

I wonder if you ever did?

A romance blooming in the summer, meeting is cold end in the winter. It’s fitting how that describes how things went. At first it was lovely, a warm hug, a gentle flame, passionate words that touched the heart

It became a cold feeling, disappointment when I wouldn’t hear back, shiny words that lost their luster, just unread messages on a phoneI visited you whenever I could, I brought gifts - tiny pieces of me for you to hold when I wasn’t there

I was eager to read your messages, to hear your voice; to hug you, to hold your hand, to kiss you

Two hour drive, there and back

You always said once you turned 18 you would be able to do whatever you wanted. You just couldn’t before, due to your mother. I understood.

Another two hour drive, there and back

November, then December. Things turned colder. I felt you growing distant. We were both busy, I had work and school, you had school. I always managed to reach out to you though

The words you sent back felt a bit more empty. Sent hours later, if at all.

Did we call? I can’t remember

It was nearing the end of December when I asked you to come down. My birthday was coming up, and I wanted to celebrate it with you. Your birthday was a week later.

You told me “I’d have to ask my mom”

You told me “She won’t let me, I don’t have a ride”

I told you about the bus route that could connect us, the guest bedroom all prepped, the fee I would happily pay.

You were almost 18, you could do what you wanted.

You never showed up 

You were having a hard time that month

Your mom wouldn’t drive you

Your mom wouldn’t let you on that bus

And still, you were just about to turn 18.

My mom and I talked - she wasn’t happy with you at all. But I still gave you the benefit of the doubt, because 

It was your 18th birthday when I realized it was time. 

I waited a day or so to say anything though

I called you, explained everything, my feelings, what I’d experienced, I communicated and hoped you would understand. I was angry and disappointed and over it

“I’m sorry you felt that way”

“I’ve been having a really hard time”

“My mom wouldn’t-“

We need to take a break

“Okay”

“If that’s what you want”

You always respected my boundaries 

But I’d be lying if I didn’t want you to fight me on that

To prove me wrong, to change, to promise to be better, to talk to me like you had before

But instead, it was just “okay”

You tried to continue the conversation after that, talk about something normal - like my whole world didn’t just stop. 

I told you I needed to go.

As soon as I hung up I was sobbing.

I did the right thing, yet it hurt more than I ever thought it would 

I ran into the arms of my mom, as I felt a pain I never had before. 

Heartbreak 

My very first relationship was over 

I was the one who ended it

So why was I more upset that you were 

My tears would dry, my anger would grow, so did my suspicions 

Did you only have a girlfriend so she could love you? So that you could have comfort when you wanted it?

You talked to me when you were lonely, and shoved me to the back of your mind when you couldn’t be bothered to put in effort

A two hour drive, there and back. A trip you never even made, not once

Did you really think I was going to hang around forever- going with whatever you wanted at the time. A doting girlfriend, a missed text

At what point did you get bored? 

At what point did you think that messaging me after - like you hadn’t just ripped my heart in two was a good idea.

You texted me more the week after we broke up then you had in at least a month.

Short replies is what I gave

Valentine’s Day came, I was alone yet again. What made you think I wanted a text from you with a picture of flowers in a store, saying “happy Valentine’s Day” would make me want to speak with you.

Was that you trying to get me back? What did you possibly think I was going to say back to that? 

Probably not “umm thanks?”

I changed your name. It was your nickname, then it was your name. 

Now it’s just your name (ex)

That was the last time I’d heard from you. I don’t know why, not for sure. I can’t say I was disappointed though

I thought it was over, yet months later, I join a social media app - and not five seconds after setting everything up did I get a notification.

You friend requested me

Ignored it for days

Until, I accepted. And waited.

After a day, and nothing, I deleted you. After all, we all make mistakes - didn’t take too long to fix them though

Yesterday I deleted our convos from my phone. I had to scroll down quite a ways, forgot they were there.

I didn’t change your name this time. But if for some reason I were to get a text from you 

It would show up as (xxx) xxx xxxx 

I would just say

“Sorry who is this?”

“I think you have the wrong number”

[luporains]

my body trembles.

there are people looking at me.

i’m shaking and i can’t stop.

and can’t stop talking,

and i can’t stop thinking.

and i can’t stop.

i can’t

stop.

i’m derailing but there are no more tracks.

i’m falling.

no one will catch me.

no one knows how to catch me.

i want to fall?

do i want to fall?

i’m spiraling.

my mind is everywhere.

i’m spilling out onto this ugly, gross carpet.

there’s too many people around me.

is everyone else okay?

are they freaking out?

am i the only one?

everyone wants to hurt me.

i want to hide.

i want to run.

i want to be alone.

i want to be alone but i’m terrified they will leave me.

how do i want both of these things?

how do i want them to never leave me, but not stay any longer?

i want to stay up all night with you.

i want us to be close.

i want to be close to someone.

i want to open up.

but i’m not right.

I’m wrong.

i’m shaking,

and i’m terrified,

and i’m apologizing,

and i’m asking if i can sleep next to you.

i’m terrified you’re terrified.

i’m trying to convince myself i’m not scared of you.

but i am.

i’m shaking.

don’t touch me.

but you can if you want to…

but do i want you to?

what’s wrong with me?

i’ve been so insecure.

i’m apologizing to you again.

you’re trying to reassure me

but nothing is reaching me.

i’m falling.

this ugly carpet my uncomfortable bed is on is holding my body

and i’m terrified.

i’m terrified of love.

i wish you would just hate me

because then i could be alone.

but then i would miss you

and stare from a distance as music blasts in my ears,

and my heart sinks,

and i watch you all laugh, smile, and cry without me.

and i’m terrified.

i want to love.

i want love.

but i’m shaking.

you’ll break me.

i can’t break again…

but i am and we aren’t even touching.

and i’m not saying whats in my head

because i’m scared you’ll leave if you hear

what my thoughts are.

how insecure i am.

how sad i am.

how broken she left me.

how lonely i’ve been.

how much of an outcast i feel like everywhere i go,

how compliments never feel real to me.

i try to convince myself i’m okay, but i’m not.

don’t console me.

i’ll cry it out on my own.

i don’t want you to see me broken like this.

i don’t want to hurt you.

but i don’t want to go through it on my own.

i want you to lay with me and fall asleep with me.

i want you to hug me.

please just keep your lips away from me.

i can’t kiss you.

it doesn’t matter if i’ve thought of it so many times.

i’m terrified.

i’m shaking.

i’m sobbing.

nothing is reaching me.

my body is reliving my pain.

my mind is reliving my pain.

i’m reliving one of my traumas and

at this point i don’t know which one.

i need someone.

i convince myself i don’t deserve someone.

because i am out of place.

i’m too much for someone to love.

i’m too much to know.

still…

please don’t leave.

[mightbelola]

Lola’s Disappearing Act

You know you can just disappear? Move to another country. Throw your number away. Don’t tell people. Become a ghost.

I’ve done that three times now. Speaking from experience, it was nice, quite freeing. Knowing that no one knows who you are feels like freedom. The only catch is, you will get lonely. You will miss human interaction. Well, the humans you care about. They can’t interact with you now they’ve lost your number. Would you like to reach out first?

But also, speaking from experience, it’s fine even if you have no one, or that you don’t talk anymore because at the end of the day, I still care and I’ll call them on their birthday.

Things happen. People make friends and people break up all the time. I mean, I’m not anyone special, they probably didn’t notice. What’s sad is I wouldn’t reach out first.

I can’t explain why. I have issues. No one wants an issue, so is it okay if I excuse myself for a while?

As long as that lasted, I got lonely. It’s not that bad, because I’m used to it. I was trained for this. When I was six, I took care of my sick dad, he said I was his best nurse and his favourite. When I was ten, I called the school principal myself, asking for a school transfer. When I was twelve, I transferred to this poor school with no water supply. I was a real snoozer there. I don’t remember learning anything. I learned Arabic, but I still can’t speak it. I couldn’t stay awake during classes because I was so exhausted from carrying water up to third floor every single night before I went to sleep. I was small, those pails were heavy. I also met people there, some of us connected and it was nice but tell you what, we don’t talk anymore. I don’t even know where they are. Can’t even remember their names.

Fortunately, I moved to this other school. The school was free but it was 3 hours away from home. It had better rooms with water pressure. One day, I called my mom to tell her I was really sick. She didn’t believe me so I stopped calling ever since. I was sent to sick bay, and stayed there alone for a week, for being sick. No one sent me to the hospital because I had no guardian. No one visited.

I was fine.

But for the first time ever, I was really lonely. I knew I was already on my own. I went somewhere quiet where no one could find me, and got on my knees. For the first time ever, I had to, I really, desperately prayed. I was thirteen.

“God, I don’t know what I’m feeling. I feel like crying all the time but I can’t do it here, there are so many people. Please help me. I want to be happy.”

Just like a miracle, right when I walked out, it felt like someone had just cheered me up.

Similar moments happened again when I first broke up with someone, and again after that, and again after that, so really I was trained to go through this life, alone with no one.

I learned to fix my own problems. Graduated schools, got myself an honorable job, married myself a good man, made enemies, made friends. I’ve done them all, I did good. Didn’t I?

But no, just when I thought life was finally good, it creeped up on me when I was the happiest, then ripped my heart out to pieces. I stopped being happy and so catch me tonight on Lola’s Disappearing Act, 9PM Bangkok time, here on Channel Three.

I am not exactly alone but I can’t help feeling lonely. I’ve got him here and he’s so good to me. I’ve got a family, I’ve got friends and people I want to talk to back home but I don’t. I still can’t explain why except I’m trained for this. Even if we talked, it wouldn’t stop me being a sad cat lady without her cats, would it? That’s fact number one, and fact number two, there are no twins. Fact number three, number three is cursed. Fact number four, I miss them all.

But I trained myself again and again, “Don’t get attached.” Think about it, what’s the point? We’ve established that no one or nothing ever belongs to us, so we might as well wake up from dreaming. Or else, you’re in another nightmare, where you finally found your treasure, you keep holding on to them, thinking now you’re rich, now you’re happy, giggling and screaming, “They’re mine!” but you got too excited and you slipped. You fell into a black hole holding your treasure. It’s impossible to hold onto anything now you have to let it go, and you did. So you fell, and you fell, as your life flashed before your eyes.

“It’s not real. It’s just a nightmare.”

Reality is, I look around and I see crucial evidence that I didn’t imagine the whole thing. Their keepsakes, like these pink hospital wristbands. They were on their ankles. They’re real.

I could try another prayer. I could say, “let me be happy again,” but last time I asked for a miracle, it didn’t happen. It’s a test, maybe. Testing my faith and my patience, but God knows how patient I’ve been, so that’s not the test, I don’t think. We’ve done this before, I did good.

Maybe I didn’t.

I don’t know. I can disappear all my life, it would be best for me. I dreamed about it, but something is missing. There must be something I can do, that I must make right. I just don’t know what.

But tell you what, I’ll disappear for a while.

I’ll be fun later.

[flashlight-fleshlight]

really struggling with like,, the *purpose* of my life lately

i spent my whole life wanting to off myself but i said i would wait until i was an adult (because then it would be all better)

but now i’ve reached adulthood and i hate it

so much

i have no meaningful connections. i work every day from 8-5 and then i come home and cry and get violently high because i literally don’t find joy in anything

honestly i think my life is pathetic

i come home and i binge eat because i tried to st4rve myself for the thousandth time (a battle i’ve literally never won for myself)

so i guess i’m not even good at having an eating disorder

i know i’m exactly like the girls he calls crazy bitches

and i was used to him threatening to leave when i was sad for a long time but i mean jesus i never expected him to actually do it

i thought we were stuck to each other. i thought he was the one thing i had left in life that i could really hold on to.

i don’t want to live alone in a shitty fucking one bedroom and never speak to anyone but my coworkers

god i’m so fucking tired of being lonely and i told him i wished he would pay more attention to me or say he loves me more because i was really struggling with feelings of worthlessness

and his fucking response was to tell me he’s not sexually attracted to me and would rather we be platonic soulmates

there is something so ultimately humiliating about those kind of statements

every time someone i love has to friend zone me instead of earnestly breaking things off because they’re afraid im gonna off myself

really all of it makes me want to end it all more

i cannot even fathom what my purpose on this earth is anymore

knowing that the people who want to love me just can’t hold space for me

that no matter what everyone tries to tell me i really am just too much

all i ever wanted was for somebody to feel lucky to love me

to really relish in it and thank god that they met me

and never have to worry about avoiding my calls because they don’t want to hear me cry

i don’t even know what the point of writing all of this out is

i guess there’s nobody else i can tell. my therapist will find out eventually. ideally after i already have a time and place.

i don’t think it’s an if question anymore. i think it’s a when.

[catharynel33]

So I have a lot to say but Idk if many is willing to listen. Society can be mean sometimes.

I’m a 34 year old Female. I’m very lonely, old, and sad and I’ve been through a lot. I’m still growing up and trying to put my big girl panties on.

I recently went through more than one break up and two baby loses in three years. I keep miscarrying. I want to let people out there know if you lost someone you loved to drugs I understand loss. Nobody I knew died but they might as well have because they chose drugs over me.

I’m a survival of drug abuse from exes who were pieces of shit to me. I can’t help it. I’ve allowed myself to be put in those types of situations and I am taking the heat over it. I’m going through a lot of emotional trauma and I am accepting what is coming at me. No I don’t deserve it but I am fully grown and I have seen a lot of things and accepted a lot of things and I’m not proud of it. Don’t bully me on here because all I have to do is point a finger and I try not to do that. I don’t want people to go through what I did. I’m sorry for your losses and I am still going through losses and I’m just trying to find myself like everyone else. I hope this message can reach a few ears.

[thesefourwallsstory]

Part 1

It's a rainy Tuesday afternoon, I'm riding the train home from work as always. Thinking about the approaching bliss of being able to lay down in my bed; I doze off and begin monologuing. 

I suppose I should properly introduce myself, my name is Ren Fukushima, I’m pushing 23 and I’m caught up in an office job I’ll probably never get out of. I’ve got short black hair that stays relatively unkempt most of the time and my eyes are grey. My hope is to get a chance to return to university and study something that actually interests me, not like I actually know what that would be. To be totally honest though, I’m not sure what I want from my life, no matter how much money I may make I don’t think that’ll magically make me happy. I’ve spent the better half of 3 years in this apartment complex scraping together what I can to move out to a more urban area to hopefully get a better job. But, it looks like for now that's just a fruitless dream, my savings get eaten up any time something unexpected happens, like my phone deciding to break or my old laptop offing itself. I don’t get how some people do it, just put on a brave face and act like nothing is wrong, like they aren’t horribly dissatisfied with everything in their life. I’m still a young guy, not even 25 and I’m crippled by my lack of proper social interaction. I haven’t made any friends since leaving high school and God knows I’ve never been asked out. I’m a lonely, sad loser and at this point I don’t even receive pity.

 Without any warning, the outside noise slips into my head. "Now arr..... at .....oshi Station '' still half asleep I can hardly make out the words. "Last call for Togoshi Station '', "SHIT". I quickly scoop up my bag and rush to the exit, barely managing to squeeze through the doors before the train takes off. I catch my breath for a moment, pull out my umbrella, and begin making my way to my apartment. 

Oh god the apartment, the daydreams of a comfy night with peace and quiet are shattered as I recall the horrors of my next door neighbor and “his” awful, AWFUL guitar. I hurriedly make my way home and retire to my little slice of solitude before "he" gets home as well. I lay in my bed and scroll through Twitter, hoping desperately one or two of my few remaining friends will reach out to help keep me sane. But the messages never come and soon the thoughts in my head are replaced with a deafening silence. I lay still, hoping sleep takes me before either my thoughts overwhelm me or "he" does. 

My phone vibrates and for a moment I’m hopeful, then it turns out to be another spam text, “Ren-kun, I miss you sooooooo much, I just want you to touch me and………” it went on for a while with “her” telling me all sorts of things that no sane person would just say phishing for me to sign up for some scummy website where I’d find the “girl of my dreams”. Sure I’m lonely, but I’m not that lonely. 

My train of thought is suddenly violated by the sound of a truly awful timbre, “he” is home. Let me tell you about this guy, first off, as we've established, “he” is my neighbor, normally I don't mind my neighbors but this one, well he defied all my expectations. I thought being quiet and respectful to other tenants was just common courtesy but this man, he just doesn't know when to stop, he's loud and rambunctious, always talking like he wants the whole damn ward to hear him whenever he has someone over, which mind you, is nearly every day. He's always got one of his work buddies, drinking friends, or a girl over and he just doesn't know how to shut it. And don't even get me started on his guitar, that horrid instrument brings nothing but abject pain into my life. But I've run dry of the energy to mindlessly rant anymore, I've slept through those damn strings before, I'll do it again. Before I realize it, I’m already asleep.

[gloryintheflowers]

worse instead of better

My dearest aunt barb,

Hey there. What is the weather like where you are? (Is there weather at all? I have no idea how this works, which is sort of the point, I guess). Here it’s freezing cold and we’re expecting a snowstorm tomorrow. I hope it’s warm and sunny where you are, and that every day you get the brightest, clearest azure skies. I remember all the times we would be walking in a nature park or Morikami or just sitting by the pool and you’d give me one of your secret smiles, eyes sparkling, and say “you see that, Emmy? You’ll only see skies that blue in Florida.” (You had lived in so many places around the States, I guess you’d know).

I can’t think of any way to tell you how much I miss you except to say that it feels like I’m missing a limb. It feels like a great yawning chasm opened up in my chest the day you died and I constantly find myself falling into it, ending up battered and bruised and dodging falling debris. Other times I sit outside of that deep crevasse with my knees drawn up to my chest and search for you in every tiny shadow. When I can’t find you, another piece of me dies; another part of me grows numb. This hollow space is so large, so cavernous. I cry out for you and I hear your name come back to me as an echo. I pretend it’s your voice; I refuse to acknowledge that that most familiar sound, too, is lost to me.

Maybe this analogy has run away from me. Or maybe it’s the poet in me breaking free of the chains I’ve kept her in for the last two months. It hasn’t been that hard, really. The idea of writing poems that you will never read makes it difficult for me to even want to pick up the pen. For ten years you read my poems, good and bad. You read between the lines and bore witness to the pain buried there and you did it a thousand times. You were my audience of one, humouring me as I tried over and over again to find the words to tell you how much I loved you. I would write long, rambling poems trying to say what we both already knew— that I loved you in a way that was like coming home, that I felt overcome by it, that I was a very lonely and sad and confused 13, 14, 15 year old girl (and so on) who did not feel truly loved or valued until you came along. Who was touch-starved and felt repulsive until you took my hand. Who did not feel truly seen until it was you who saw me. I tried to tell you how you changed me. How you saved me. What you meant to me.

So, yeah. I haven’t been writing, unless you count these letters. And even these have been few and far between. It’s not that I don’t want to write to you. My therapist keeps telling me that maintaining a relationship with you in this way, even though there will never again be an answer, a two-way connection, is imperative to my healing. Writing to you like I used to, talking to you like I used to— these things will supposedly make me feel less lonely, less bereft. She really liked the idea of me writing these letters to you and I’m trying to do that but fuck, it’s so painful when I know you’ll never read them. Still, the idea of making sure you remain an active part of my life even though you are not physically here is important to me. You loved Mitch Albom books— what’s that quote from him (Tuesdays With Morrie, I think)? “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” The two way connection has been severed; I talk out loud to you and can only imagine what you would say in response. I write you these letters but I don’t send them and you’ll never read them. I reach out a hand knowing you’ll never take it. I will never feel that unadulterated love and joy and contentment that I felt when I was with you. I will ask you questions and the silence in the after will be answer enough. For now, I will put those questions in letters to a dead woman— even if the part about you being dead is only just starting to feel real.

At 23, I know the truth— that these are not things I could’ve put into words or summarized in neat poems. These feelings of love and safety and nurturing and care, they shaped me, made this harsh world bearable and even beautiful for me. In essence, you mothered me. Our relationship meant everything to me, everything, and as someone who has always had very big feelings— good and bad— none of it was ever going to fit onto a page, or a hundred. I tried and tried and tried, and as my life grew more complicated and more difficult, and especially in dark times when you were one of the last ropes tethering me to my life, I wrote more. Somewhere along the way I became a writer by trying to tell you how much I loved you. It was like stretching a muscle. Ultimately, that love was always too big for words. The poems often came out feeling inadequate or unfinished. But still, you read them. Who am I supposed to write poems for now? What do I write about? Who will read it? You were the only audience I ever truly needed— ever truly trusted with these most personal, confessional writings.

If we were talking on the phone, you’d ask me how I’m doing. And I’d say ‘fine’, probably. And you’d know— and I never knew how— but you’d know the truth. You’d ask “Are you sure about that?” Or say “You’re not fooling me, angel.” I miss that part of my day— often the best part of my day— in the evenings when I’d pick up the phone and dial your number. Now, I never feel more desolately lonely than in the evenings, which seem to pass by so slowly. I pick up the phone to call you without thinking; I set it back down, feeling like I’ve been doused with cold water.

So, ok. In case you haven’t guessed, I’m not doing great. (Unless ‘great’, to you, means “sobbing at eleven o’clock at night on a Thursday in the a deserted alley in the middle of the city when I started bawling on the way to the 24 hour pharmacy because I didn’t think I could live another minute without you”.)

Yeah. Not a high point for me.

Evie asked me how I was doing today. Twice, actually. The first time I managed to ignore the question by asking her about her plans for the week. The second time she was more persistent. It took me a few minutes to decide what to say. Evie has been not only a cousin, but a good friend for years, and one of my favourite people. I probably could’ve been honest with her.

But what would I have said?

“I’m not doing so good, Evie. Last week I woke up my father by calling at midnight from an alley near Queens Park where I was crying so hard I couldn’t even get a word out. Once I could speak, I kept telling him I wanted to die because I miss Aunt Barb so much. He told me that I couldn’t do that because people loved me, because she loved me, but in that moment I didn’t give a shit— why does it matter whether people love me, I said, when I am this fucking miserable all the time?? When it is getting worse and not better?”

or maybe I could have said “Never been better, honey; I mean, other that that I have never been so fucking lonely, I’ve failed my courses this semester for the first time in my life, and I am avoiding thinking about Aunt Barb by any means necessary— listening to podcasts or sad music (happy music makes me want to cry these days, and I’m not sure why but I imagine it’s something to do with you), eating food (or else obsessing about not eating food, wondering if falling back into my eating disorder would be worth it if for nothing else than the distraction it would provide), re-reading books because I don’t have the brain power to process anything new. Mostly sleeping as much as I can, because I’ve never been this tired; waking up only to drug myself so I can sleep some more.”

Yeah, I’m sure that all would’ve gone over great. Instead I went with “I’m fine,” quickly changing the subject to David and Dori’s visit to Israel. I didn’t want to bother her or anyone with it. She’s grieving too. Lately I always feel like I’m intruding, like there is no space for my grief and I have no right to feel it. I don’t want to take up space where I’m neither needed nor wanted. Not that Evie has made me feel like that at all, but in general that’s how I’ve felt when interacting with the family you brought me into and (I thought) made me a part of. I’m sure a lot of it is in my head. I don’t know. I was fucked up long before this and if you can imagine, this hasn’t helped.

Anyway, I know Evie hasn’t had the easiest time of it lately either. I know she’s struggled to connect to the girls in her gap year cohort. I know that I could have been even a little bit honest with her and she would not have judged me. She told me at one point that she’d love to talk about you. G-d, I thought, what a relief. I do too. She said that she wants to talk about you all the time, but her friends there can’t really understand because they don’t know you. I understand that. You’d never have believed it but you weren’t just your average grandparent or aunt or— well, you weren’t your average anything. You were special and you were sunshine and for the vast majority of people in my life, they really can’t understand what it was like to love you, and what it has been like to lose you. It was the greatest blessing in my life to know and love you. In my darkest moments I might call it a curse too, only because losing you has been so painful that it’s changed me to someone I don’t even recognize.

But if you know nothing else, know this: if I had to choose between loving you and feeling this pain, and never having known you at all, I’d choose loving you. I’d choose it every time.

I love you. I miss you. Please keep visiting me in dreams. Please let me keep you close.

I love you forever

Emily xoxo

[keefwho]

December 10 - 2022

8:23 AM

My patreon is STILL going down and I don’t know what to do/think about it. what if I end up not having enough people to fill up my commissions? I dont even know what I’d do at that point. Hope it gets better? Apply to work at the store where my mom works? That would suck ass. Realistically it probably won’t get that bad. Worst case scenario is I’ll have to announce in Discord or Twitter that I still need to fill up commissions and I predict I’d have enough takers if I did that. 

Im so SAD, the weekend is supposed to be chill time but all I can think about is trying to stop my ‘business’ from failing. I feel like I should be cranking out YCHs or art of popular characters or something. There’s so much to do in general that I don’t feel like I can justify whole weekends. 

5:54 PM

All the things that need getting done weigh on my mind. I have to choose if I let the weekend be a weekend or try to get things out of the way. I should just relax otherwise this cycle will never end and I will never have a break. Maybe I can do a little bit of it tomorrow morning but other than that I should save it for Monday. Thats why I started allocating time during weekday afternoons to be “generally productive.” 

6:10 PM

I have a problem with feeling lonely, I have for a long time. And I’m making progress as to why I feel that way. First off, I don’t feel lonely when I’m with my besties. I feel a genuine connection to them that makes me very happy. To me they feel like actual people and that I’m an actual person to them. For many reasons throughout my life, I’ve become prone to tuning most people out like they are NPCs. Early in life it might be because I moved so often that I didn’t get to make good childhood friends. Everywhere I moved it was basically “Oh there’s different people now, and there will be different people when we move again.” I never even missed the short term friends I made as a child every time we had to move. In more recent years I get a lot of interaction from what I’ll call “fans” for lack of a better word. They usually engage me for the same reasons and say the same things so I get the idea that everyone contacting me about my art is “just another fan.” Strangers I meet that don’t know I’m an artist tend to feel like “randos,” but I think thats a common feeling amongst people. The problem is that I don’t want it to be. I want to expand my capacity for empathy to include strangers and even fans. It seems impossible right now but I have some methods in mind to reach out and try to connect to people more. I think this will help with my loneliness too because I won’t have to rely on 2-3 people for my genuine interaction. 

It feels weird that I have to give this effort but it really isn’t when I think about it. I was severely socially stunted as a child so I have to make up for it now. Everyone has their shortcomings and this is just one of mine. 

7:42 PM

Im stressing out about my friend’s Christmas gift I’m making because it’s a pretty unfamiliar medium and I’m afraid I won’t get it done in time for Christmas or done at all for that matter. I’m not sure I can pull it off but I’m gonna try my hardest. I think it might be one of those things thats gonna look very wrong before it starts becoming right. 

I also might be burnt out thinking about creative stuff today. 

[cloudykyu]

— [1:18 pm] “so you really can’t make it?” you ask your boyfriend, jaehyun over the phone. he was supposed to come over today as it was his day off to spend time with you. your busy university schedules sometimes got in the way of the relationship so you two had made it a point to meet at least thrice a week. 

“yeah,” he sighs. “I’m sorry babe, but I've just got a lot of work that I need to get done.” 

you frown at that, “why not study together? I have a few assignments of my own that I still need to do.” on the other end of the call, jaehyun has to hold himself back from rolling his eyes. he already gave you his answer and it didn’t mean you were allowed to change his mind. 

“you know how distracting you get,” he says, a hint of annoyance in his voice but you don’t catch onto it. you were actually laughing at his statement, knowing fully well that when you needed attention, you actively went out to get it. 

“alright then babe,” you settle for, grumbling a little. “good luck on your studies! remember to take breaks and have a snack in between. I love you!” 

“love you,” the boy mumbles and the line goes dead. you stare at your phone in silent shock. what’s got him so pissy? it must be the stress from school. jaehyun’s been going through it lately. he’s grown distant from you and you weren't sure why, the only reason you could think of was because of his coursework piling up. your three days a week with him turned into one if you were lucky. his texts soon turned from long paragraphs just rambling about his day to short replies and you wanted to call him out on it, but whenever you did he’d just give the excuse that he was tired. you missed him, but didn’t want to be the one to push him to his breaking point. 

in his own apartment, jaehyun tosses his phone to the side. unknowingly to you, he was already at said point. when he first got with you, he found your need for attention cute and he was happy to give it to you. happy to be wanted so much by someone. but now, only two months later, he was quickly growing tired of your clinginess. he just needed a break. he needed his own space to breathe, but he couldn't outright tell you that because he knew you’d just get super sad and jaehyun would have to swoop in and save the day. 

you were dependent on your boyfriend, not having much friends of your own to turn to. his friends became your friends which only increased your presence. one on one moments with you turned into you always being with the group which was slowly suffocating him, having to always tend to your needs. for once, he just wanted to have fun with his boys without you lingering by his side and always touching him. so that's exactly what he was going to do today. 

hours later, you were sat in your own home alone. the emptiness making you feel lonely so you went on social media to fill that void. scrolling through your friends stories, you smiled at them all having a good time out with one another. 

that is, until you got to one particular friends story. on yuta’s one, there stood a picture of jaehyun in all his beautiful glory. a bright grin on his face that showed his dimples which you haven’t seen in a while. the caption read “boys day out! no clingy significant others allowed” which caused you to frown. clingy? is that what they really thought of you? is that what jaehyun thought of you? it would certainly explain why he’s been so cold towards you, but that can’t be right. 

deep down, and I mean deep deep down, you knew it was true. you had picked up on his grimaces whenever you reached out to touch him. the heavy sighs in his tone whenever you talked to him over the phone. but jaehyun couldn’t possibly intend to hurt you like this. you send him a text, despite your inner thoughts telling you to leave him be. 

hey my love, how’s studying going? this is your reminder to eat something :*

you eye the message thread like a hawk, watching ‘delivered’ turn to ‘read’. waiting for his reply, you’re hoping that what yuta posted was just an old picture. but that hope along with your heart is soon crushed when those three dots to indicate that he was typing don’t pop up. 

it wasn’t all in your head after all. 

from mani’s writing game!   taglist: @deputyjuyeon​​​ @wonjaems​​​ @changminurheart​​​ @exfolitae​​​ @lilacdreams-00​​​ @nycol-ie​​​ @sohnkiss​​ @cookydream​​​

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 322: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME

Previously on BnHA: Endeavor was all, “Kirishima please take Hagakure and Aoyama and put them away somewhere out of sight until we’re finally ready for the U.A. Traitor Plot.” Shouto was all “HEY DEKU DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE YOU WANDERING THE STREETS LOOKING LIKE A GOTH PRAYING MANTIS IS EXACTLY WHAT AFO WANTS.” Deku was all “I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY CRUSHING MARTYR COMPLEX AND ACCUMULATED TRAUMA.” Mineta was all “HEY DEKU YOU SWEET THANG, IF I COULD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET I’D PUT ‘U’ AND ‘I’ TOGETHER, ANYWAYS HMU 💖”, or at least that’s what fandom apparently thought he said. Everyone was all “WELL SINCE WE’RE BACK HERE IN KAMINO WE SHOULD DO THE THING” and did the whole “launching someone into the air to save someone by dramatically grabbing their hand” thing that everybody fucking loves to do in Kamino so damn much. Iida was all “[bombards me and Deku with feels].” Deku was all, “ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू).” I was all, “(;*△*;).” Horikoshi was all, “my work here is done.”

Today on BnHA: 

oh my god.

so I finally went back to look at what I wrote up for 321 last week, and it’s a hot fucking mess lol, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now, so we’re just gonna skip it and go back sometime in the next few days or something because I really want to read the new chapter and I have no self control. I’M SORRY IIDA

oh my god he’s breaking out the narration word bubbles oh my god. shit is about to get epic isn’t it

has there ever been a chapter that opened with these that WASN’T epic? serious question. anyways all aboard the Feels Express I guess

YEP

I saved a bunch of other crying kaomojis when I was looking for ones to use in the “previously on” summary, and right now it’s looking like that was a good fucking decision you guys. if I’m going to be an emotional wreck I might as well do it in style ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ

AND BY THE WAY!!

SHOULD I JUST THANK HORIKOSHI NOW AND SAVE MYSELF SOME TIME LATER. THE MAN ALWAYS FUCKING DELIVERS WHAT ELSE CAN I FUCKING SAY GODDAMN. IS IT TOO EARLY TO DECLARE THIS MY NEW FAVORITE CHAPTER? I SHOULD PROBABLY READ FURTHER THAN ONE PAGE BUT I’VE JUST GOT A FEELING

(ETA: it’s like. maybe my second favorite lol. A HUG WOULD HAVE PUT IT IN FIRST, I’M JUST SAYING.)

anyway so Ochako is releasing Iida, which is actually hilarious, because idk if you all know this but Iida can’t fucking fly you guys

like, I assume Ochako released him because she already knew that Kirishima was in place to catch him, but I really love this split-second of panic on Iida’s part where he’s all “HMM, IS OCHAKO TRYING TO KILL ME, ACTUALLY”

LOL THERE’S A THOOM AND EVERYTHING

that’s some plus fucking ultra on Ochako’s part right there. “IF THEY DIE THEY DIE” goddamn girl did you leave your chill in the same locker as Momo or what

now poor Kiri is all “DAMMIT DEKU ARE YOU PASSED OUT OR WHAT, I DIDN’T GET TO TELL YOU MY THING GODDAMMIT”

oh my gosh he is curled up so small you guys oh my fucking lord

RESIDUAL “LOST CHILD” FEELS FROM LAST WEEK COMING IN FOR A LANDING!! PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBACKS AND TRAY TABLES ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT POSITIONS OMG ( ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ ₍₎ ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ )

LMAO IIDA IS TRYING TO CONFIRM THAT OCHAKO PLANNED FOR KIRISHIMA TO CATCH HIM, AND KIRISHIMA IS ALL “NOPE I’M JUST HERE BY CHANCE BRO”

Ochako is the U.A. Traitor confirmed. Hagakure I am so sorry I doubted you. Ochako get over here. so are you Toga now or what

anyway so now everyone is running over before Iida can react to this casual announcement of his attempted murder. and now Mina is taking her turn, and Horikoshi is all “HEY BTW IS MINA CRYING ON THE LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE YOU CRY?” and of fucking course it is, you bastard. I’m not made of stone

( ɵ̥̥ ˑ̫ ɵ̥̥)

SLDKFJLSDKJ:LKWEJ

IS THIS THE PART WHERE I JUST START SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER LOL. SURE FEELS LIKE WE ARE GETTING TO THAT TIME

OH MY GOD KACCHAN AHHHHH

I CAN’T OMG LOL I ALREADY GLANCED AT THE NEXT COUPLE OF PANELS, AND HE’S STARTING A WHOLEASS MONOLOGUE ABOUT ALL OF HIS DEKU FEELS AND OH MY GOD

“HERE YOU GO MAKESTE, A WHOLE CHAPTER OF ALL YOUR FAVORITE META TOPICS JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM” THANK YOU HORIKOSHI YOU’RE A BRO (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

SLKASODIFALWKFLKJ

THEY’RE JUST DEKU AND KACCHAN. holy shit you guys. because oh my god, but it’s like when Deku was talking to the Vestiges about saving Tomura, and he turned into his little child self because his heart and intentions were so pure?? and it’s like that again, except that we’re seeing them as their child selves because that’s who they are to each other?? like, not that they actually see each other as children, but just, they can see past all of the stuff on the outside and see each other to their cores, to who they are inside, and when they look at each other they each simply see the other boy that they’ve known their whole entire life. idk?? does that make sense??? DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT WORDS ARE ANYMORE I’M JUST SWIMMING IN FEELS OKAY. I’M TRYING HERE

they’re just boys, is what I’m trying to say, I guess. just Deku and Kacchan. all the walls are down, all the gaps are bridged, and all it is is the one boy reaching out and connecting with the other, and just,,, (꒦ິ⌓꒦ີ)

OH MY GOD [GRABBING YOUR SHOULDERS AND POINTING WORDLESSLY] !!!1LK1

DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS YOU GUYS

HOW PERFECTLY FUCKING RAD. WELL LET ME JUST ENJOY THESE LAST FEW SECONDS BEFORE MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED, I GUESS

OH

MY

GOD

CAN HE EVEN SAY THAT??? IS THAT EVEN LEGAL??? IS HE EVEN FUCKING ALLOWED TO SAY THAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

─=≡Σ((( つ ◕o◕ )つ

GET IN HERE, EVERYONE!!

Y’ALL HE REALLY DID IT. “BAKUGOU IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE HE HASN’T EVEN APOLOGIZED” WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT. GUESS FUCKING WHAT, YOU GUYS!! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO ((((／￣∇￣)／＼(￣∇￣＼)))) AHHHHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHHH

HEH. I’M ALREADY DEAD, HORIKOSHI, YOU BASTARD. DO YOUR WORST. GO ON

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON “US”, HE SAYS. ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF OMG. KACCHAN, YOU STUDIED!! YOU UNDERSTAND!! PREACH!!

OH NO!!

OH WAIT!!!!

LOL I GOT SCARED THERE FOR A SECOND BUT ANYWAY! EVERYONE GET IN HERE!!! GROUP HUG!!! OR WAIT, NO, WHAT ABOUT -- [GRABS YOUR COLLAR URGENTLY] YOU DON’T THINK -- COULD THEY POSSIBLY -- !!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ARE YOU GONNA HUG!??!?!?!?! I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!!! !!!hgk

REACTION PANELS LOL EVERYONE ELSE IS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS TOO WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

LOL OCHAKO

I KNOW THAT IN REALITY THIS FACE IS JUST BECAUSE SHE’S CONCERNED ABOUT DEKU’S FRAGILE STATE RN, BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE WAY SHE JUST DROPPED IIDA COLD THOUGH, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FEAR FOR KACCHAN’S SAFETY LMAO. THAT FEELING WHEN THE CLASS PERV AND THE CLASS BULLY BOTH BEAT YOU TO THE LOVE CONFESSION. KACCHAN WATCH YOUR SIX

OKAY BUT LOOK, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS, OKAY, BUT CAN WE PLEASE!??!?! HELLO?!?!? MOMO, JUST -- COULD YOU JUST FOR A MINUTE --

NOOOOOOOOOOO

“DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, I HAVE TO SAVE SOMETHING FOR THE FINALE” HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH A TWO BY FOUR!! NOT THAT I’M UNGRATEFUL!! BUT JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT, AND THEN ALMOST DO THAT, AND THEN NOT!! OMG I HATE YOU

sure let’s cut to Thirteen then, yay. I mean I’m glad they’re alive lol, don’t get me wrong

(ETA: I think that might have sounded a bit sarcastic so I just want to clarify that I really am happy Thirteen is alive and on the job again lol.)

it’s just that if your name doesn’t begin with Baku or Deku I honestly am not interested for just these next five minutes okay lol. like I’m just gonna be completely honest. I am too invested lol, please, they were having a moment, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS PLEASE

OH DAMN U.A. GOT SWOLE AF

THIS SCHOOL HAS BEEN JUICING WTF. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TARTARUS LOL

I’m literally not even reading the speech bubbles though omg I’m so sorry. I really hope there is not a quiz, I promise I will come back to it later scroll scroll scroll

okay so they brought him back to U.A. and he’s all tired and out of it yes

oh goody Hagakure knows all about the security system

(ETA: is it just me or is Horikoshi really laying it on thick with the hints about these two guys lately? I’m on to you sir.)

THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS. GLAD THIS CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE IS SAFE IN THE HANDS OF THE PEOPLE THAT WE TRUST

ffs Deku

WHAT WILL IT EVEN TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU THEN?? SWEET JESUS

-- holy shit, what??!

they know?? how did they find out??! holy shit???

I’m about to cancel the whole of Japan lmao. fucking try me dudes

-- THE PRINCIPAL!?

NEZU GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!! WHAT THE FUCK

“a ticking time bomb” tell you what, this man is just asking to be punched in the face. literally begging for it omg

(ETA: I have been advised that I misread this part; Rat Principal told everyone how safe U.A. was, but he’s not the one who ratted out Deku; that was “the rumors”, apparently. which, if I had to guess, were probably started by AFO.)

oh I see, so it’s to be Feels, Part II then

he looks so sad and tired and lonely and she goes right for the hand, god bless. though if Kacchan’s not gonna hug him, you’d think someone would at least. or is it because he still smells bad. hmm

AND THE CHAPTER’S ENDING ON HER LOL WELL OKAY THEN

I MEAN IT’S GREAT AND ALL, I LOVE OCHAKO REALLY I DO, BUT WE WERE PROMISED GREAT EXPLOSION MURDER GODS, WHAT GIVES SOB. I WAS ALL READY TO BREAK OUT INTO SONG AND EVERYTHING. SURE, HE DID THE APOLOGY, BUT WHERE IS THE FOLLOW-UP GODDAMMIT

(ETA: just to clarify the reason for my rambling here, I was really waiting for the hero name reveal and the presumed deeper meaning behind it lol. but I guess that is a conversation still to come! and we still need Deku’s response to the apology too for that matter. lots to look forward to still.)

WELL WHATEVER, SO THAT IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER! SHOUT OUT TO MY BOY RAT “LET ME JUST TELL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ABOUT DEKU’S SUPER SECRET IDENTITY, I GUESS THAT’S ALL RIGHT NOW, NOTHING BAD COULD POSSIBLY COME OF THIS” PRINCIPAL. listen here you little shit

anyway but if you’ll excuse me... IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME. IF I COULD FIND A WAY. I’D TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS THAT HAVE HURT YOU, AND YOU’D STAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID THE THINGS I DID. I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THE THINGS I SAID. PRIDE’S LIKE A KNIFE, IT CAN CUT DEEP INSIDE. WORDS ARE LIKE WEAPONS, THEY WOUND SOMETIMES. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN TO HURT YOU. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T WANNA SEE YOU GO. I KNOW I MADE YOU CRY, BUT BABAY, IF I COULD TUUUUURN BACK TIIIIIIIIIIIME...