#I'm so done comparing myself to everyone. I am worth it on my own. I don't need to compete with anyone

[furiousgoldfish]

I wrote a very pained, depressive and dark post, even maybe too dark for this blog, but I ultimately decided to publish it, just because this pain has always been invisible in me, and I want to be able to say something. If you're going to read it, there's a lot of mention of death and contemplation of suicide in it, and a lot of painful emotion. Maybe someone will resonate with it and find words to describe their own pain. I also want to note that even though every word of it is true, I am most of the time completely dissociated from this, I'm not actively thinking it, and it came out now because my parents are actively trying to find me and disrupting the life I've tried to make for myself.

What my parents did to me is worse than death, they erased me. When I escaped I didn't know who I was, I had no hope to survive, I didn't think I was worth anything, I felt ashamed to even exist. I was suicidal, i thought I'd be dead within a month even if I don't do it myself. I didn't think I had it in me to survive, to be alive, to be anything. I was a less than a ghost, I didn't even have memories to remember of who I once was because there was no warm memories, only violence, blame, guilt, shame, pain, terror. I was supposed to be a person, and they put me in a state where I knew nothing about being a person, only property and a target, it was my entire life. I was told I deserved this, I was a monster, there was never anything else that is correct to do to me, but hurt me. I thought it was my job to be endlessly harmed. They knew I was suicidal and didn't stop. The only reason I didn't kill myself was the dissociative disorder that functioned like a suicide prevention measure, I physically could not have done it because I have been split into pieces and one of the pieces prevented me from doing it. I would have died otherwise.

What would a quick violent death be compared to this? A fucking blessing. I was slowly tortured until I was willing to kill myself in order to end it. They didn't want to dirty their hands with my murder, they planned on torturing me until I did it to myself. I had an intense drive to survive despite everything, and even that was getting erased. My basic instincts were being erased by the amount of pain I was in. My personality was gone, I didn't even have a personality, it was all overwhelmed by pain and desperation to both survive and end it all, I walked trough life looking death in the face the entire time, it felt so close, so close to me, like it would claim me any second, but I had to stay stoic, calm, me staring down death had to be invisible, I couldn't let it show. It shouldn't have mattered to anyone what I was experiencing. I was torn between life and death, stuck in constant anticipation of it and it couldn't have mattered.

Take a person, any person, imagine them having a life, family, friends, interests, hobbies, desires, dreams, loved ones, support, community. Now imagine that same person isolated, everything stripped away from them, and them being hurt until they can no longer remember anything they wanted to live for. Even their basic instinct to survive is stripped frm them as pain is too large for them to be able to sustain themselves, there's no longer anything in this person's life worth living for, nothing they remember about who they were, no warm thought they can think about themselves, and they're repeatedly told they deserve this, they've wanted this. Until there's nothing of them left.

That was me, but from the start. I didn't get to experience having a life, family, loved ones, interests, dreams, community, or any of that first, I didn't get to know how it was to have any of that! From the very start it was pain and being told that this is all there is, and that I'm stupid for ever thinking there would be anything more to life, that it is in fact, only terror and death and I'm a weakling for not taking it better, everyone else is dealing with this just fine. Shame and guilt were the only traits I could have, I didn't know anything further about me. Nobody knew me because nobody saw me being abused. Nobody could know I was worthless, it had to be my private hell. I would have to live only to the point where it was decided that it was enough and I had to die, or until the point where I couldn't take it anymore and take my own life, even though I so strongly didn't want to, even that basic desire was tempered with and overwritten by pain.

Who would want a life like that? Life of not only being aware that nobody cares about you, but everyone around you is willing to inflict pain on you until you wish to die, but can't. Where crying and screaming is forbidden even when you can't breathe from the amount of pain you're in; you're not even allowed to cry out. You fight with yourself every day on how badly you want to die and why you can't, and it doesn't help, you get lost in magical thinking in order to escape from the hell you're in, but you're brutally reminded of it every time you interact with anyone, when they find you hiding under the bed and dreaming. You don't even know that you're supposed to have loved ones, be safe, be unharmed, that life is supposed to be different, that you're not alive only to be a target, that you're worth anything. You don't even know that you're supposed to have more freedom in life than to choose the manner and time of your death, this is all that's dealt to you. And now, live, see how far you can get before you die. Would anyone choose that? Would anyone decide to be born into a life like that? Wouldn't you choose not to exist at all rather than be put trough that? To be erased and then having to keep on living while thinking you in fact, deserve death, and should do it yourself, and you know if you do die, it won't matter, just like your life didn't? Because people around you regularly nearly kill you and then laugh about it like it was a funny joke? They humiliate you for how ugly you look close to death? You're scared that your last moment will be humiliation for how unseemly your corpse looks and you're hoping you'd be able to die alone, to not be berated as you're dying.

Death is nothing to me compared to this. Waiting to die is worse than death. Endless anticipation of pain is worse than death. Having everything about you erased by pain is worse. Not knowing anything about yourself except that you are incredibly shameful existence and that you need to feel guilty all of the time, is worse. Watching people around you receive care and warmth while you're stuck watching death in the face silently, pretending it's not happening, and trying to not have anyone's attention on yourself because someone noticing means more pain, more shame and guilt. It's worse. Kill me any fucking day. But this will always be worse. Every time I face the reality of my life I wish I had died in the womb, at childbirth, I wish I had died when I was 1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 12, any time before I experienced all this. It would have been so much less pain. It would have been so much easier on me.

And I've already given up on ever having a place in anyone's heart, because at this point, I don't have it in me to make people love me. I have nothing about me that is other people find worth caring for, I made peace with it. There will be no loved ones, and thats fine. But at least then I should get to live my life alone the way I want it. I should find joy in being who I found I am, and doing what I want to do. I should get to do things that give me a little bit of pleasure and enjoyment, and I should be safe, and death should no longer come knocking at my door, staring me down like I owe it something. If I can't even have that, then to hell with everything. What is the fucking point of anything if all my life is a continued slow torture until I can no longer bear it. I have nobody to bear it for, nobody would be harmed by my death. But I also don't deserve to die, because I want to live, and this should be mine. Who the fuck dares to try and take this away from me again. I want to fucking explode. If I have to make my own justice then how do I do it. I literally just want to live. And I see other people having at least that much secured for them. Why can't I at least have that much. I am seriously asking for the bare fucking minimum.

[stuckinapril]

u don’t have to answer this if u don’t want to or u feel u don’t have anything to say on it (obvi) but how do u deal with jealousy and comparison?

i genuinely just like my shit. i love how i look like, i love my stuff, i love where i come from, i love my family and friends, and i appreciate all the circumstances (good and bad) that have led me to be the person i am today. i've done a lot of esteemable things that have bolstered my confidence growing up, like getting an extremely hard degree and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone more than ever before. i treat other people w kindness and respect. i make sure to be a source of support rather than needless negativity. what people think of me (or have) doesn't get under my skin anymore, bc i've already proven my worth to myself. the fact of the matter is, i'll always hold my own opinion of myself higher than i do other people's opinions of me. i'm at a place where i just don't care that much. i've lost the need to correct people on their takes of me a long time ago.

my own happiness is king--everything else is secondary. if i like it, that's enough for me.

i find it pointless to compare myself to somebody else, simply because no two people have been dealt the exact same cards. i wouldn't compare a rose to a lily, so why should i be comparing myself to people who're--no matter who they are, no matter where they're from--never gonna be me? i'm me. the only person i should be comparing myself to is my past self. i am only in competition w myself. that is all.

as for jealousy, viewing people who have things i want as proof of concept has really helped. if another person gets a higher score on a test, i don't get jealous that they outdid me. i just view them as proof that i can get that score if i studied more efficiently. someone else's success isn't a lack of your own--it's just proof you can reach that success, even if the route doesn't look exactly the same, even if it might take longer.

contentment is entirely subjective. i've known wealthy people who're incredibly miserable. i've known people who struggle financially but could not be happier. other people's advantages don't rattle me, bc i don't care about them, bc i'm so eternally grateful for what i already have. i've also never really been that materialistic to begin with, so i've always understood that a person's worth lies in who they are rather than what they own (whether it be things, money, opportunities...). i can say w my whole chest that i wouldn't swap places w the most famous, most rich celebrity there is. i legitimately don't want to. i know that even if i have to work harder for things, i'll have more to say by the end of it all, and that in and of itself is so profound. not to mention the satisfaction from having challenged myself to get there--and i love a good challenge.

i've unleared the idea that i should view other women as competition. life is hard, we all struggle, we'll be living in a man's world for a long time, and it's just not worth the energy. yeah i'm ambitious, but not at the expense of other people. there's enough room for everyone. another woman's achievement doesn't mean less space for mine. we'll all be fine.

w all that said!! there are bad days. no human is just confident all the time, doesn't feel jealous all the time, doesn't compare themself all the time, doesn't let people's opinions get under their skin all the time. don't feel bad for doing it every now and then. it's natural and normal and just part of the human experience. nobody is perfect. just focus on you, view other people as inspiration rather than competition, and compare your progress to nobody else's but your own. it's been a game changer for me :)

[kokomiin]

I didn't want to have to do this but I am currently being harassed by somebody I worked for with no sign of letting up, so here it is. Some of you might remember me working on an RPG called Moonatic since last month. I was contacted by this person in early December to be the artist for the game, after seeing how many people were working on it I decided to accept, but everyone involved was working out of goodwill under the promise that we would eventually be paid. I was encouraged by the director to work at maximum capacity every day, I am aware that I have an especially fast art output compared to some people, but this still takes work and energy as I am a human being. If I was only able to complete one piece in a day, he would comment on that being "a shame" and would point out if I finished my work day earlier than him due to exhaustion even if I had actually gotten things done. I kept working hard every day because I genuinely believed in the project and thought this kind of crunch wouldn't be permanent, and I didn't want to cause friction between myself and the director by complaining which I now realise was a huge mistake. Whenever I took a day off I had to announce it, there was no set schedule and I believe he would have me working every day if possible.

My friends can attest to the decrease in my physical and mental health before I even realised how I was being affected by this. The director also initiated a friendship with me as well as me being his employee, I accepted but over time personal boundaries were crossed, he made judgements about some things in my personal life and just two days ago, the day before I decided to resign, he implied a romantic interest in me knowing full well that I'm in a relationship. This was a breaking point for me and I had to reevaluate everything, after discussing with many people I decided it was best for everyone if I left. But when I gave the director my resignation, explaining to him the stress I was under and how I was uncomfortable with how he spoke to me, but that I would still let them use my work for the project, he immediately reacted with a mental spiral, blamed me for the project failing and even now still refuses to contact me directly.

A few weeks ago he insisted on purchasing a VR Headset for me, which I declined multiple times due to the cost and because I didn't ask for it in the first place, but around my birthday when he kept insisting I decided to accept, considering it my compensation for the month's worth of free labour I had done. I drew many character design sheets, environments, a comic, promotional artwork, helped to finish the trailer's storyboard and had begun animating it, with only a few days of breaks. I left the project because of stress and a lack of personal boundaries that were caused by him, and now this person is spamming me with payment requests to give him back the money for this gift. He claims it as a work tool, but when we talked about him getting it for me he treated the 'work' aspect as an excuse and said he really wanted to hang out with me in VR after work. Now he is declaring it as a work tool that needs to be repaid if not shipped back. A VR headset is not at all a necessary tool for this project, which is an RPG game developed in game maker.

I'm genuinely afraid about what else this person might do as he is blaming me for the project failing as though it was my own, and refusing to take responsibility for his treatment of me. If you are an artist, in the future please avoid any company with the name Andel in it. If I end up being forced to pay back the price of my free labour :') I'll open emergency commissions, ok?

screenshots under the cut (i'm pretty shaky right now so I forgot to add some, the ones related to my resignation have been added now)

[daisynik7]

My dearest Nikki,

We are all flawed. We exist in a society where we are shepherded into a mindset of evaluating our “worth” by comparing ourselves to those around us. Especially in a community where notes determine who is a “big” blog and celebrated, what you are experiencing is completely relatable.

I think it is important to always acknowledge that you are a person rather than an algorithm. It’s completely normal to desire recognition for your hard work. It’s definitely a shared sentiment to compare yourself to other blogs. But at the end of the day, you are Tumblr user Daisynik7 and that’s the reason why there are those who follow you and celebrate your contributions to this community.

I know everything is easier said than done. But I just want to let you know that you are one of the reasons why I am excited to log into this app. I hope this is just a temporary cloud to your usual sunshine. This feeling happens to everyone, and it will always come and go. Just always remember to celebrate your own individuality and progress.

mia, my most precious, loveliest, dearest mia! I hope you know that your wisdom and kindness never falls on deaf ears even if I do get in these bizarre moods sometimes. the clouds will fade and I will go back to my sunshiny self and remember that life is full of wonderful things. I am lucky enough to be able to do what I love without judgement and with so much support from people like you. You always remind me of what's truly important in this silly online life that I'm living and you're also a big reason why I'm able to come back feeling like myself again, because you embrace my quirks/delusions and support whatever I'm trying to pursue on here. I'm already feeling better after that momentary dive into my insecurities, so I'm ready to get back into our regularly scheduled program! 😬

anyways, kisses for my favorite person. thank you for always pulling me back up to the surface to see the light. I know I say this a lot, but I mean it every time: I appreciate you and have so much love for you! ily so much! ♥️

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Okay let me tell you a story and my thoughts on it

-mother: *nagging at me and my brother cause she doesn't know what to buy us for xmas and trying to make us feel guilty* (she HAS to, it's her primal need to gift us/everyone something, but not necessarily something that we really like/need/want: she needs to know she has done amazingly anyway -yeah, the trauma TM) -me 4 hours later: so at the store there was this kit to paint rocks and woods with brushes and all, so good! -mother: oh we have to buy it for your cousin! don't you think? she likes to paint -me: yeah ofc -me, in my mind: I knew I should have bought it myself lol (side notes: in my family basically everyone knows I like to paint and have been trying/wanting to paint on rocks and wood for a while; my father was present too and he looked at me pretty confused about my mum LOL)

Why am I telling you this? Cause of many reasons

Mostly, it's a reminder about open communication: sometimes people simply aren't ready/open enough to listen to your needs if they aren't openly expressed, or they are too stressed/triggered about something else in that moment to do so.

OR, at times you're unconsciously not their priority cause of their trauma: my mother needs to do well/be perfect/impeccable in front of her sister and the rest of our family cause she has been compared with her a lot and still feels heavily judged by everyone, so she can indeed *even unconsciously* put me and my bother, her own flash and bones, in a secondary position or "forget" about us. I'm not justifying her, this is is not to say we're not hurt about being failed and pushed aside, at all. We are, it really plays/ed with us in different ways cause we're two different people. But this is simply to give a more complete look on what is going on. It doesn't have to solely/simply be that she doesn't love us or we're not enough to receive love or anything else (this is the message we indirectly got from her behaviour: almost every child would understand any similar behaviour in the same exact way and bring it with themselves through their whole life making them feel constantly unworthy/wrong); it's her problem/trauma speaking and moving onto our generation in a different form. And we can decide to block it. Let it hurt us still ofc, because it does, as it feels like she doesn't know us or see us or consider us, but we can put in under a different perspective that doesn't make us guilty of anything: we are in fact not guilty, we're enough and worthy, and someone else will understand (see my father that despite his own many issues, doesn't care much about xmas, gifts, what the rest of our family thinks nor feels judged by them, and therefore got what I meant) and show us.

It's often about understanding who can really listen to us and meet our needs (some won't ever be able because of their problems, unless we really are clear and we really want them to listen to us) and who can not; understanding when they can too because you know, as mentioned, everyone has their own issues and when we're overwhelmed it's harder to listen to others openly and intuitively, it's easier to listen to our own worries. That's okay too. You can be more open about your needs with those you want to be able to meet them. Don't let the fear of speaking up and being judged in any way block you. You're worth being heard, seen, loved and helped and all.

[batstorm93672]

"Let me go ahead, it'll be easier to catch him Batman"

"I said no Jason"

Damian stopped and looked at his father who didn't seem to even get what he said as he kept talking into his comm. Damian looked back down, at his gloved palm. What did it mean being called someone else? It's not the first time. It is never the first time, he was called Steph, Dick, Tim and Jason before. He was always shocked at that moment.

Does his father ever consider the fact that he is Damian? That his name is Damian, that he is his own being in comparison to his other family members? Does Bruce ever take that into account? Or will he always be someone else? His urge and struggle to be worth lest he fails and is no longer wanted, Dick called it abuse, Damian called it normal upbringing.

.

"Tim you have to wait, sometimes things aren't that clear, bad guys have ways of setting traps and even if it feels safe sometimes it's not"

Another name. Not his. Just another name. Damian looked at his feet, kicking some dust about. Batman didn't really notice when he called him different names and even if he did, Damian couldn't tell because Batman got silent after doing so. Never bringing it up and Damian is horrible at trying to bring it up as well so it's never addressed.

.

Damian kept petting Titus as he read his book, Stephanie was on her phone scrolling through whatever, Jason was also reading and Tim was on his laptop. It was a comforting silence until Dick's footsteps drew close. "Hey Timmy what are you reading?" Damian kept quiet "Oh my bad Dames. Thought you were Tim" "Tt. Apparently so does father, might as well be one of you instead of myself" Dick frowned a bit as everyone looked up at Damian "He's doing it again?" "I was called Jason and Tim recently, you two as well on different occasions" Jason put a bookmark on his page as he looked at Damian "How bad is it?" "I... I've been compared enough times, I need to speak with him, I tire of twiddling my thumbs and waiting for him to make the first move" "Are you sure? He's not the best at social conversations with us" "I know, but... Richard-" Damian looked at Dick who kept standing in the doorway "-you have said that communicating with one another is a fundamental part of relationship" "Yeah I did" "So I shall go to father" "I believe in you" Damian got a little brighter with that confidence, walking out towards Bruce's study.

.

Knocking, Damian felt his hands become sweaty as time seemed to slow down.

Cease at once, I am Damian Wayne, son of the Bat and Demon. I must speak to father as one

"Come in"

Damian opened the door, Bruce was going through papers "Damian. Is there something I can help you with? Do you want to hang out?" Bruce always leaped at the idea of his children bonding with him. Most likely his sorta crappy childcare and wanting to redeem himself (Damian thought he was bad at times, but he means well and everyone knows this no matter how much they all make fun of him) "I wished to ask on our outings, you have called me by my siblings names more so the ones who have deemed the name Robin before... if I have done something wrong I wish to know how you want me to improve" Bruce looked surprised "What? No, you didn't do anything wrong. Why would it mean you did something wrong,"

"What else could it be? Obviously I've messed up as the others have before, I just have to do better and prove that I'm Damian the blood son who won't make mistakes and prove my worth lest I become irrelevant"

Bruce looked hurt and he moved the papers in front of him away "Damian, do you feel like that all the time?"

Damian felt his cheeks burn a bit, did he say something wrong? Is this not how he was supposed to feel on the matter? "Is this... wrong of me? I am supposed to be Robin, a perfect warrior for you" "Damian you are my child-" "Why can't I be what everyone wants?!"

Damian wanted to bite his tongue, he didn't mean to shout "I'm sorry--" "Damian, who I need is you. You are my son and I love you. Calling you a different name during patrol isn't my intention, I love every one of you and sometimes I get caught in a moment. I think on something else and I get confused, but that doesn't mean I love you any less Damian"

"I am still useful... right? Why else would you keep me for this long?"

"Because I love you, not just as Robin. But as Damian Wayne, my son whom I love and cherish with all my heart just like everyone else. You don't need to compare yourself with them. I love you as you are son"

Damian smiled a bit and went around the desk to hug his father as much as he could "I love you too father"

[redheadbigshoes]

Hello!!! I'm getting honestly really tired because I was the subject of everyone's jokes before but now it's worse ever since I came out, and I feel dumb because my mom spent so long pretending that she accepted me while also talking about me behind my back and to my face to my sister, almost called me the f slur and tried to play it off as a joke, as well as making up excuses for my siblings while comparing them to me (saying things like your sister does this but you always have to etc.) , any time she doesn't want to do something I have to, I had a good relationship with her but she's trying to play it off as me being sensitive ( because apparently women are more emotional than men) as to why I'm distancing myself from her, it's so annoying because she is overall hateful, fatphobic, transphobic, misogynistic, homophobic and racist to everyone (including our own race) while saying it's just her personality and she thinks it's funny but it's getting old. I just overall don't wanna associate myself with what she has going on but I'm too young to move out at the moment and I haven't come out to my dad but we are starting to develop a good or better relationship than before and after my mom I just overall don't wanna tell him because I don't wanna mess anything up, I am so tired of making up excuses for my mom because I care about her I'm just getting tired of having to ignore what she does wrong because I care so much, and what's even worse is anytime I try and come to her about it she just reassures me for the moment so that I can leave her alone about it then goes back to doing the same thing, and another thing that I think is funny is that she literally has this obsession with people of the LGBTQ+ everyday she has something to say about it, just the other day she said that their shouldn't be any LGBTQ+ inclusivity because it's apparently forcing people to feel like they have to conform to what they're viewing (which she's only really worrying about my little brother who is only 7, she says she doesn't want him to be gay, which tbh there are other things to worry about), even worse is whenever she is making fun of someone and I don't laugh or react the way she wants because it's inhumane and rude she says that I'm too emotional and I need to be able to take a joke, while saying the new generations is too sensitive. Honestly I'm just done making excuses for her because I was scared of where our relationship would have been like, I'm just going to distance myself because I'm not hateful like her and I never want to be like that.

this is incredibly long I'm so sorry but you give amazing advice and I think I need a second opinion on this.

Hi! I honestly think you should distance yourself from her just like you said. Do you think your dad would be supportive? If you do I think it’s worth coming out to him. If you have siblings that you’re close to (and closer in age) I’d try relying on them as well, considering you still can’t live on your own from what you said.

Your dad doesn’t see the way your mom treats you?

Also, if you have any friends or family members who don’t like with you who are supportive, maybe try talking with them about it?

You don’t deserve your mom. No one deserves a mother like that. I’m so sorry you have to live with someone like this.

[bunnebabi]

My Affirmations

I get my desires in 48 hours or less , the 3d conforms instantly

Nothing can stop me from getting my desires

Creation is done

Every method works the best for me

My 3d effortlessly reflects my 4d. Everything (and I mean everything) works out the way I want it to.

I never dim myself for insecure people

I have an unshakable sense of self.

My life is full of things I want

I fill my mind with desirable things.

I don't people please and never will

I constantly work on myself; I will never stop bettering myself as a person.

I always move forward and never look back. I detach myself from things that I don't need to dwell on.

I don't stand for disrespect

I only allow things into my life if they benefit me in the long run

Everything I do is applauded and sensationalized; my blinks inspire populations and my sneezes change lives.

F*ck the halo effect, my vibe is triple that, beyond anything anyone can document.

I receive thousands and thousands of compliments every day and every second.

I receive thousands and thousands of gifts every day and every second.

I receive thousands and thousands of confessions every day and every second.

My beauty was forged by primordial beings in an attempt to bless the world.

I am a walking paradigm for perfection; I am known for being perfect.

My life completely fits all of my ideals.

Being rich and famous is a hundred percent in the books for me.

I am completely iconic; my amazingly immaculate personality and vibes speak volumes.

All the truly cool people in the world vibe with me; if we don't align, you're a loser.

I am constantly mistaken for a divine entity.

I have a once-in-an-eon type of beauty.

I do everything perfectly; I don't mean to, it just works out that way.

My birthday is an international holiday for people.

I literally have to be the voice of reason at all times because my words hold too much weight and power.

The world is madly in love with me.

I can easily spend time with myself and be content with my own company; I find myself entertaining and engaging. 

I feel secure in my own identity and have no reason to question it.

I don't need anyone else's opinion when it comes to what I value.

The world blindly roots for me the way they would root for a sweet, determined female lead.

I just happen to be the beloved main character in a lot of situations. 

I am the it-girl that can steal any man without even trying babe

I know my worth, and I will do whatever it takes to get what I want. 

Saying that I love myself is horrible understatement.

I eat people up and spit them out; you can't beat a force of nature.

I make headlines every other day.

I will forever be that bxtch.

I am a global phenomenon.

I have a perfect work ethic.

I will never fall or fail in my endeavors

I always experience the most favorable outcome without even trying

Everything is completely and hilariously in my favor.

Opportunities and luxury are practically thrown at me (because I'm hot)

I am a prodigy, a genius; I will always be the smartest person in the room.

I deserve the best because I am the best; there isn't a person on earth who could disagree.

I will always be my one true love.

I am naturally better than everyone else; I've never met a person who has ever been on my level.

People want to be me so badly; it's almost laughable that they think they'd ever compare.

I love how my beauty enchances every single second. My facial structure is carved to utmost perfection.

I am self obsessed and self absorbed, and I deserve to be.

My beauty is like a supernova that never burns out.

I am beautiful beyond comprehension.

Everyone in existence agrees that I'm the cutest and loveliest person to exist.

Everyone celebrates me on a daily basis.

I have been blessed and cursed with overwhelming beauty, talent, and intelligence. 

It's a scientific fact that I am the most perfect being.

Pleasure, indulgence and self improvement is my birthright, and my only purpose in life.

I live in a mansion in everybody's mind- I live rent, mortgage and tax free.

There is no way to describe how respected I am; I am fawned over and admired by all who have the luck to encounter me.

I am pure, sheer excellence; calling me "perfect" is a perfect understatement. 

There is literally no one who is equal to me

[alexandriteobscuraarchive]

I think I might've missed the posts about the situation but why did you split your blog up and (most importantly) are you doing okay? I know that was something that was a big source of stress for you. Also can people follow your new blog?

((First and foremost: thank you for asking if I'm okay or not. I know that's a rather easy thing to just assume one way or another online and I appreciate the care and effort. Also I'm sorry if you missed anything important, I tried to reblog the related posts a handful of times but you can't always reach everyone, you know? It wasn't intentional I assure you. To answer if I'm okay or not I'm....getting there, is the best way to put it I suppose? I'll try to keep this brief.

I'm taking a slight break (not a hiatus and while I do occasionally slap a post on the dash I'm not really speaking or engaging ic) from this blog because; and I'm trying to keep this is a simple as I can, I'm dealing with a lot of feelings of anger and resentment towards this blog (which I know is unfair to the people--which is pretty much everyone here---who haven't done anything wrong but I'll spare detailing you the intricacies of my deeply rooted anxieties and etc) which is harder for me to reconcile/progress with in a positive way compared to feeling stressed and lonely over on the new blog at the moment and so I'm choosing to focus my efforts over there because I feel like I can progress in a positive/healthy way, enjoy what I'm doing in a safe space, and so on. I am incredibly stressed---what I did and am still working on diligently to the best of my ability every day---is stressful to the point of being overwhelming if I think about it too hard, look at everything on the whole, etc, but it's necessary. It's necessary to enforce boundaries and not neglect myself a space where I can write what I want and what I love so dearly and that makes it worth it.

I split my blog up due to a lot of unwarranted harassment (anonymous for the most part but some people weren't, all of them have been blocked) that has been going on for months a thing that only increased in severity in spite of my earnest attempts to understand or work through what was going on, reconcile any expressed 'issues', repeat and thorough attempts to explain my side of things including offering to help people around the content that they professed to hate so strongly (said hate which bled over to me as a person and writer/roleplayer in general) and so on. It became untenable incredibly quickly---and if you followed me to alexandrite (which had a different name/center muse originally but I digress) from my former rp blog you'd know how severe the harassment there was and how I promised myself I'd handle such things in the future--- and this is me doing that. This experience on the whole was incredibly similar to the one that happened on my og blog and I promised myself that I wouldn't go through that again if i could help it.

I deserve to be treated better; both by myself and by everyone else, and this is me doing that (meaning treating myself better at the very least rather than staying in a hateful/hurtful environment) even if most days it makes me want to scream. Did I want to split everything up? To be completely honest no I did not. But I think in the end this is the best solution for everyone involved---but most of all this is the best solution for me---and once the stress ebbs a bit (and by a bit I mean a lot, a fucking lot, because I'm kinda drowning rn lol) I'm hoping to feel more secure. I'm....getting there, like I said. One thing at a time, always one thing at a time. I'm already doing good things over there and soon I'll be doing good things over here again too. Both blogs can (and will) coexist and we can all have fun together no matter where you follow me or who you want to interact with....eventually. I wish that people would realize how they treat others---that driving someone out of their own space when they've done nothing wrong, when the only thing they've done (or tried to do) is share something that they love with their friends/writing partners---isn't okay. I wish people would realize that how I was treated was not fucking okay (and most won't unfortunately) but I realized it and that, at least, is important. I said 'this isn't okay' and did what I needed to do not only to better myself (which is something that is incredibly hard for me to do; honestly it would've been impossible for me to do even a year ago) but to keep doing what I love. I'm trying to focus on that. I'm trying to let that drive me forward over everything else.

And to end on a further positive note: Yes, you can follow my new blog if you want to, all that I ask is that you make sure that your interest in the blog and the muses featured there is genuine and that you actually want to interact with them before following. If you liked them (any of them) and wanted to interact but never had the chance for whatever reason, or if we started something but never finalized anything yet, so and so forth, you're welcome to come on over because I'd love to have you. And if you don't (because as I've said a hundred times to idk how many deaf/closed ears) have any interest that's okay too. They're not for everyone and it's a lot to learn/take in even with my offering to help people in a variety of ways (an offer that is always open!), I get that and hold no resentment in that regard whatsoever, all that I ask is that you understand that I'm taking care of myself by doing this...all of this...and that I appreciate you too. The people who remain here waiting for me to come back and post for the muses here are just as appreciated as the people who follow me on my new blog. I love all of you very much no matter what and I look forward to writing with you all again, it's just that some of you will see more of me than the others will, at least for a little while.

If you want to follow my tcol blog you can go here @constellationcrowned (you'll see my self promo for the blog over here periodically as well, it's obvious af lol) or if you have any questions please feel free to contact me privately either over there or on discord. And thank you again for your kind words anon, truly, I hope you have a nice day/night and I look forward to potentially writing with you soon no matter where that might be.))

[mangodestroyer]

So after skimming through the Magic Trick theory last night, and having had experiences reading/watching Neil Gaiman's other works, I've come to the conclusion that Neil is a highly intelligent/highly talented author.

And I know this goes against the new brand of philosophy I've been learning but... I'm kind of left feeling jealous and inadequate at times. And stupid. I'm a mathematics major eagerly awaiting to go back to school, but after seeing someone come up with the Magic Trick theory, I am left feeling like I can't even logic myself out of a box. It's one of those things that gives me imposter syndrome. Like I have no business participating in college level mathematics and someone will found me out eventually. Or like I'm being ridiculous, spending my free time watching videos on philosophy, AI, neuroscience, psychology, space, and physics because people will find it pretentious and will never believe I can understand even a smidgen of it.

As for the writing; I am left feeling so blown away by what I've just witnessed and what all of this possibly entails that it leaves me feeling very dim and primitive as an author. Because I seriously doubt I could ever come up with something so creative and genius. A plot so complex that people write essays about it and spend hours upon hours dissecting it. Right now, I'm feeling a lot like a novice. As though there is nothing special about my works and the growth I've seen over the years is hardly noteworthy.

And you see, it's ridiculous to feel that way. Because comparing yourself to others is unhealthy and kind of toxic. It's hurtful to yourself, and, well, I feel like it also implies that if someone else does good work, they shouldn't have because it left you feeling small. And that is not at all what I believe. I think people should be allowed to be passionate, talented, and skilled at things. I think they should be allowed to feel pride over what they've created. Quite frankly, I hate when people grow resentful of those who have something they don't (unless it's, say, a billionaire raping the Earth of its natural resources and causing great harm and deprivation for everyone else). I've dealt with that before, as someone who naturally happens to have a pretty decent physique and, well, who ig could be considered attractive (even though I don't consider myself such). I've dealt with people comparing their own appearance to me and feeling terrible as a result, and then later proceeding to neg the fuck out of me and/or act incredibly bitter and hostile if I talked about ANYTHING nice going on in my life. It made me feel awkward and guilty. In a way, I felt like I was responsible for their unhappiness, or like the negative things they said about me were true and I'm being narcissistic for seeing any good in myself. I do NOT want to be like those people!

Also, I think passion is far more important than being good at something. Seriously, I hate this idea that people's worth is directly correlated with what they have going for them. How skilled or talented they are, how smart they are, how pretty they are, how much money they make, etc. It's pretty disgusting. To me, it feels like we treat people like a commodity when we reduce them to what they have to offer. And also, I find it sick how we tend to shame those who have passions that are a little more "absurd." I feel very awkward talking about my interest in subjects such as math, for instance, because it comes with this expectation that I must be highly intelligent. And if I'm not, then I'm a fraud. But would I really be hurting anyone by having an interest in something and never being good at it? What's wrong with just enjoying something?

And look, I think working on improving yourself and reaching your full potential can be a fun journey in and of itself. But it should ONLY be done for your own sake. It shouldn't be about trying to stand out or whatever. You're going to end up killing your passion if you get caught up in feelings of inadequacy. Speaking from experience, life sucks when you're always comparing yourself to others and feeling inferior.

So... it really shouldn't matter to me if people like Neil Gaiman are out there making masterpieces. They exist only for the sake of being enjoyed, at the end of the day. Seriously, it isn't that deep. I'm just writing as a hobby. No one cares if I churn out a masterpiece. In fact, the stakes are much higher for Neil because this work is supposed to be the legacy of a dead friend, and he already has such high expectations put on him because he's a famous author who's produced many iconic works in the past. Think of it this way: authors like me actually have the FREEDOM to suck at what we do and make tons of mistakes. BECAUSE NO ONE CARES! That gives us a lot of creative leeway. We can experiment around with various plots and styles to our heart's content because we aren't concerned with hoping a book or show will make enough money so that we can continue it. I remember seeing Neil himself admit that he kind of misses the days when he was less of a well-known name. Because things were more simple then. I guess this is something that has failed to occur to me for the longest time because I've never been so good at something that people expect so much from me, but it sounds stressful.

[deusexmachinawitch]

I don't know how to feel about this but I wanted to share it with you all, because I admit I am confused and wonder what I did wrong.

This weekend, I went for a small convention and I knew I was going to meet my SP. During that weekend, I meet many people I haven't seen in months since the breakup with SP and I was 2 months NC with him.

During the whole trip, it was weird because something that was extraordinary to me happened but I didn't know how to process it. Everything that happened to me was exactly like the weekend my SP confessed to me. Same rest areas, same places my group of friends went to eat, even a discontinued item from a food store came back...

I was invited to a very exclusive gamer party too and had fun, I won several matches in one of my favorite arcade rhythm games and that cheered me up.

I began crying of happiness that night while talking to a polaroid picture of SP saying all I've achieved and I couldn't wait to tell him everything I've done and achieved during the time we were apart, that he would be so proud of me and that I worked hard by myself. I really thought the Universe was giving me a second chance to redo my relationship with SP by remaking the whole weekend of 4 years ago. Because LoA has showed me things that to me I thought were impossible, in fact, I have other revision stories to share but another day.

I was positive, affirming that we were already together, I also wore my best clothes and did my hair with the ribbons someone who missed me gifted to me because they knew I wanted those but couldn't find them anywhere.

I went to the con, everyone was happy to see me. Saying I looked so beautiful, that they were happy I didn't give up and that they looked forward to have fun with me. But... SP saw me and he was mad.

I went to a corner to affirm hard and he came and asked me why I didn't talk to him. I told him that I was respecting his space and he was like "That was too much space". I told him I just didn't want to risk an argument because last time we talked wasn't nice and he wasn't happy that I did chase him for a time. Then he just raised his hand at me, my friends were about to come and intervene and he just said "Yeah, don't fucking chase me then. I have a lot of stuff to tell you but I won't because it's not worth it talking to you". So I told him "Okay, then just go if you're that uncomfortable".

The thing is that then the rest of the day he was trying to make contact with me for dumb things and I only answered yes or no. He treated everyone badly and even made us watch his backpack when he had to do stuff even though he behaved like crap with everyone and the whole arm raise thing happened.

It was uncomfortable and he left being all mad at everyone. And I was sad wondering what went wrong with my affirmations and such, what did I do wrong to have triggered this side of him.

One of my friends who's a psychologist said that he probably thought I was shitty from the breakup and when he saw I had new clothes, my face changed, lost weight and really looked beautiful and different (from working on my self concept and manifested desired appearance) then people paying a lot of attention to me... He probably was really mad to see that even if he was the one breaking up, I was doing well and even better than before while he was the same. And probably he felt angry at that because seeing me become better in the short time without him, made him feel like he was the one in the wrong and that I am better without him. So out of childish nature and pride, he decided to give me an attitude and hurt me.

If I'm honest, when the breakup happened, I was 10 kgs fatter and I was constantly compared to this cosplayer he liked so much and somehow my self-confidence was destroyed. Now I just don't give a fuck about that cosplayer because I feel I am beautiful, smart and special my own way and I love the way I look now. I could become a cosplayer even if I wanted to.

So the thing is... I wonder what part of this revision I did wrong, I didn't even have any opposing beliefs and I really trusted the Universe. I also looked my best because I wanted to look my best for this occasion. But this happened to me.

Everyone is really mad about what happened and they are taking care of me. They are telling me to drop his ass. I still love him but at the same time, he was really like a totally different person. I miss his old self, but currently I don't know if I can manifest him after this.

I will continue moving forward and manifesting other things tho but this was really... Sad and everyone who was affirming for this reunion to go well and helping me look my best and give him a nice reassuring smile... Feel really disappointed and really worried about me still being cheery until the con ended even after what happened.

Sorry for the sad story, I am still in shock that even though everything looked like it was going to be a revision of the love confession of 4 years ago, this suddenly happened.

[ablednt]

God though I have a complicated relationship with womanhood like growing up I was afab and by the time I hit puberty I so very much Wanted to be a girl but like. I never felt like one and I never was really treated like one either. Because of my disabilities because of my executive dysfunction I was seen as a girl not in the way a human woman can be a girl and more like how a dog can be a girl.

And that would've done enough damage on its own but all of this took place in a fundamentalist cult setting in which afab people's entire worth hinged on their ability to fit "ladylike" standards. Women were objects in this culture but I was a useless object, I would only ever be the thing doomed to perform gender it is not allowed to have and be mocked for it the idea of anyone actually viewing me as a girl or a woman was out of the question. None of that was ever explicitly stated of course and everyone dangled the idea of me just trying a little harder and actually becoming a real girl was dangled over my head and I spent my teenage years chasing it relentlessly and never succeeding.

So then I stepped into queer spaces and for a while thought I was a cis girl and just really miserable being a girl mostly because I never wanted to transition to anything else I just wanted to get any semblance of self-actualization you know? Becoming a lesbian helped a lot, I stopped feeling ashamed of having bodyhair and in acknowledging my attraction to girls was because they're beautiful and I want to kiss them and not because I'm sad how much more human and girl they are compared to me, my self esteem slowly improved.

But I wasn't there yet because my only tie to girlhood was still the misogyny I experienced, no one made me feel like a woman no one treated me the way other girls I knew were treated, but I had to bear the full brunt of fundementalist misogyny. Not only was I female but I was, in their eyes, defective and deserving to be punished for not being a real woman to them yet being female. Spending a lot of time around exclusionists and cryptoterfs wasn't helping at all because they equated being a woman to that same suffering that I wanted to recover from. I felt unsteady because I was less than a girl already and then I was told that being a girl is just suffering and I felt trapped.

That eventually led me to becoming nonbinary (which, I still am I haven't stopped IDing as that) because finally I was offered an out. If girlhood was a treadmill I was forced to run with broken legs, the nonbinary community turned it off and bought me a wheelchair. I didn't Have to be a girl and I wasn't worth less than "real girls" and outside of the binary there weren't really any standards. Sure hyper-androgyny was expected in a lot of queer spaces but I wasn't really that out as nonbinary so I could just kind of relax and figure myself out.

I spent a few years coming to terms with that and I started to get dysphoric over my body mainly because whilst I'd escaped cis-feminine beauty standards people still saw my size and disabilities and treated me badly and I thought that if I tried to be more boyish I'd at least be seen as a disabled boy instead of a disabled girl (as a little person I still look and sound like a child and unsurprisingly people give young boys a lot more independence and ask a lot less questions than with young girls) but despite having a flat chest I could never pass as masculine very long at all so I grew to resent my body and my voice for not being masculine not because I actually hated being feminine but because I desperately wanted to be treated like a human being. I didn't know anything about disability rights at the time or even that I was disabled so I just identified the dysphoria and struggled with it. I do think it Was gender dysphoria but it was just really compounded by internalized ableism.

Interestingly once I'd spent enough time in my nonbinary identity to take notice of some glaring issues re: cis women's treatment of transmasc people in "inclusive" spaces and started to talk about it all the women who treated me like woman-lite and insisted I perform that toxic femininity for them realized they could not allow me to say "as someone who's woman-alligned I'm calling bullshit on your transphobia" so people very aggressively started misgendering me as masculine. A lot of them were terfs and a lot of them just assumed I was amab because I disagreed with them and it was really distressing to fall right back into being gatekept from womanhood but now very blatantly "you can't be a woman because you're not Like Us you're a man or something else but you're not one of us".

So i unpacked some of my trauma with growing up afab but not Really A Woman and realized I had a lot more underlining dysphoria and resentment towards femininity than I realized. At that point I said "well if you don't want me to be a girl then fuck it I'm not at all a girl anymore. Why would I care to fit into some bullshit standards anyway?"

That lasted a little while until I made friends with other trans and nonbinary people who were happily feminine or woman alligned. Mostly it came in the form of a lot of light hearted "girl power" jokes and just making girlhood something light-hearted and free of any actual standards and that really gradually healed something in me. I was discovering a femininity and womanhood that was genuine and desirable, girl can mean anyrhing a girl wants it to mean and that was something new it wasn't the gender I was assigned at birth by a fucking long shot.

The past year, even though I'm still definitely nonbinary, I've become completely comfortable calling myself a girl again and using she/her in addition to they/them and now I know the problem was never that I didn't want to be a girl but that girlhood and most cis people's idea of girlhood are just different genders entirely.

I'm not detrans or anything especially considering I never had any sort of transition other than the pronouns I still use but I have that experience of "when you question your gender you unlock your original gender 2.0" and it's really pleasant is the thing.

[princess-viola]

my favorite feature of myself is how i'm accepting of autistic people self-diagnosing themselves and i think it's totally valid (obviously after someone has done research into the topic, but honestly speaking i see more people complaining about 'people just self-dxing after they watched a tiktok video and they wanna be quirky!' than i actually see people doing that, so i don't think it's worth the effort to call those types out) because getting a formal diagnosis is a privilege not everyone has access to, for reason or another

but then also even tho i've literally been doing this exact same stuff for nearly a year now (researching autism and the diagnostic criteria, reading actual autistic experiences and comparing and contrasting them to my own, researching other conditions [can't think of a better term] that have traits/symptoms similar to autism to make sure i'm not falling into confirmation bias, etc.) and i've even talked about this to both professionally and self-dx'd autistic people who tell me various things about how 'neurotypical people wouldn't put this much time and effort into wondering if they're autistic' (altho, personally, i consider myself already neurodivergent for other reasons than autism) or just outright telling me that as far as they're concerned, i am autistic

but it's like...imposter syndrome is also a real bitch because my brain keeps telling me that i must be subconsciously faking all this shit and that i can't be autistic and if i pull the metaphorical bandage off and just say 'i'm autistic', then actual autistics will swoop down like ravens and expose me for being a faker and everyone will hate me

so instead i just say 'i strongly suspect i have autism' and have to do a whole explanation like this even though this doesn't help with the imposter syndrome either, like i feel comfortable about saying this but it doesn't help my brain stop telling me i must be faking it because 'surely i would've been diagnosed as a child' if i actually am autistic

i hate it tbh (imposter syndrome)

[flick1224]

Human

I say it often, but I only occasionally remember how accurate it is. I only feel in touch with my humanity when I'm alone.

I'm sure it's likely due to my past traumas, forcing my emotions down into a compact little cube in my guts, but I only feel human when I'm by myself and have been for some hours. In my day-to-day life, I express appropriate things just fine like anybody else, but I never truly register any of them.

In comparison, when I get to be alone, and it gets comfortable enough and feels safe enough, I start to FEEL things. Emotions flow, not overwhelmingly, just...what I assume to be normal. Steady and human. I never feel these things when I'm around other people, and I've always wondered what that does to how people perceive me. Then again, I have that answer; everyone says I seem collected, calm, and controlled. This year, I have heard my expressions of emotions have been "refreshing" several times compared to the more emotional folks around me.

Little do they know I'm just as crazy as all of you bastards; I just don't feel comfortable showing it to a single human being! I don't trust anyone! >:D

After noticing how much more emotionally vulnerable I am when I've been sitting alone for a few hours, I only just verbalized it in my head. Sad or heartwarming stories actually make me tear up, but most human of all, descriptions of depression get me crying because of my own experience.

I find it slightly scary for what it might be like in the future. If I feel this when I've disassociated from my person due to not feeling like myself yet, what will it be like after the transition is "done" (for lack of a better word in my brain) and I feel like I'm ME? Will it change? Will I become even more emotional when I'm alone?

Then again, what is scary about it? There's no risk; nothing can hurt you when you're alone. Cry, sob, smile, feel things without worry. So maybe it's not that scary.

This is another thing I can hear someone saying I need to change or "fix" about myself. "Open up to people; it'll be worth it." I hear it because I've heard it before. Funnily enough, I was told that before I did this to such an extent. Following that advice is what put me in this spot.

Never put yourself into situations you're not interested in being in; don't share if you don't already feel the urge to share. Do not act impulsively when no impulse exists.

I sing "Love Song" by The Cure to myself as a way to express my newfound affection for myself, and as a way to say "I really like being alone with myself." It's really been this year's song.

[eloliasthoughts]

I don't understand you

or myself.

I'm not sure that I even know you, but I know that I loved you fully.

I keep asking myself the same questions over and over with no answers.. Why did you lie to me? What did you lie to me about? I think I know the truth but it's so hard to swallow. The truth I have to believe in order to move on is that you never felt anything for me. Everything was a game to you. You thought you could manipulate me and crush me until I broke, and you did. You broke me so many times. I guess broken things can keep breaking.

The worst part is that I let you do this to me. My self worth has been non existent for so long that I let the most vile, disgusting, sociopath make me fall in love with them, and then let them use and abuse me to their satisfaction. It makes me sick to think about. You've made me sick. You made me anxious. You made me stop eating. You made me sob my heart out like I was fucking dying. Yet you didn't stop. It didn't matter how much pain I was in. That pain is exactly what you wanted me to feel.

It still hurts, but not nearly as much as before. Now that I know what you really are, and what you were doing to me, I can start to heal. Healing hurts though. You know I wanted you to heal. I saw your potential. I believed in you. I believed in your soul. I still want to believe that you can be saved. I want to believe that you aren't completely evil. There must be some part of you, no matter how deep it is buried, that is still good, and that it can be reached. I tried so hard to reach it. I wanted to help you. I wanted to love you and help you heal with me. Together. I wish you had appreciated me for that. I wish you would have had mercy on me. If you weren't capable of loving me, you could have at least stopped hurting me. I don't think I can ever fully understand your desires. I can never relate to wanting to hurt someone for my own satisfaction. I can't. I can't. I won't. I think the reason I can't understand you is because you and I are complete opposites. I'm inherently good, and you're inherently evil. We are the duality of man. I'm Yin and you're Yang. We're supposed to coexist, not destroy each other. I never wanted to destroy you, but you hurt someone you shouldn't have. I was supposed to help you. You chose wrong, both times.

The universe gives and takes. The karma you receive is a direct cause of the pain you've inflicted on others. I'm also receiving my karma, but it's good karma. I am blessed. I am loved. One day I will love myself too. I'm starting to now. I suppose I can thank you for that. I truly understand now that it is never okay to confuse manipulation and abuse with love and affection. I wouldn't have finally figured that out if it weren't for you.

Part of me still wants to reach out to you for the answers. I want to know the truth. But your lips do not know how to speak truth. You speak lies and deceit. You lie so much you believe your own lies. You live in a delusional world you created, where you're on top of everyone else. It's quite sad honestly. I'm sad for me, and I'm sad for you. I'm sad that you might never ask for forgiveness. You need to admit what you've done wrong to yourself and to God. You need to right your wrongs and stop being so fucking vile. I'm not even religious, but I do believe in a higher power. You're foolish not to. In your reality you think you're god. No one compares to you. Foolish. You're going to suffer, and it will be your own fault. It's kind of ironic because that's what you thought about me. I deserved to suffer because I allowed it, it was my fault. Isn't it funny how the tables have turned. You can't get away with being evil. You just can't. It's catching up to you. I don't even need you to tell me that it is for me to know.

It might be for the best that you only know how to lie. If you told me the whole truth, it might just break me again.

I don't love who you are, I loved who I believed you could be. I loved the potential I saw in you. I do still care about you. I don't want to say something cliche like I want you to be happy, it's deeper than that. I want you to find yourself, I want you to fix the part of you that wants to see people suffer. I want you to find joy and happiness in life.

I'm still too kind to you though aren't I. You deserve to suffer the way you pretended that you have. Perhaps you will discover something within that suffering that will help you change.

I am going to heal. I won't ever be alone. No one will ever make me feel as alone as you did ever again. I'm going to be just fine. It will take some time still, but that's okay. That's all part of the healing process. You may think you're wealthy because of the things you have, but I have so much more than you could ever hope for. You're never going to let yourself understand what real love is. That's not for me to worry about anymore though.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, I need to tell someone this, because it is in the middle of the night and everyone is sleeping.

I was writing with a man, for the last days, very intensely. Not in a romantic way, he is planning to move into my country, so we started with language practises and also argued about politics etc. He's 27 and I am 23. I live in a country which is not so hard on age gaps (compared to some comments I see from Americans) but I kinda didn't like that in the beginning. I feel very young, I have some issues with dissociations and maybe even DID so, maybe it comes from that. I often forget my age and think I am younger and when I am among peers, I feel misplaced. When I visited a highschool, because a friend needed to pick something up, and I was standing there during a break and watching the students, I thought "That's where I belong". Idk but maybe just everyone in their early 20s feels like that. I just didn't like the age gap, because I don't feel like a finished adult, but someone with 27 does. But we harmonised fairly good and it was fun writing with him. I was always surprised by how educated he was, and how many degrees he already has. And tbh (and that's were I might need help) I always quickly take someone into my heart. I am always very loyal and open. I know that such online relationships (in my experience) always end, at some point. But at least, it wasn't, because I didn't give it all. And I always think "It's no big deal, I am used to disappointments, and it is worth it, for me" but today for the first time I had the feeling, that it was something bad, that did more harm than good to myself. And that I should be more reserved. But tbh, I just need validation from others, maybe that's also a reason.

Okay, whatever, we argued about politics, and he knows a lot about my countries politics and argued a lot about it. And while I agreed with most of it, at some point I was just fed up, to read, how he always finds another flaw in the politicians, the government etc. I tried to lead him to another topic, which didn't work, so I said crystal clear "Done with the political arguments all the time, give me a break".

He didn't take it good and... idk if I overreact, I just hate angry people, because of my background, but he blamed me for being too sensitive, he can talk bad about his own countries politics 24/7 too etc. And that wormed me, because I think it was unfair.

He was also always very reserved about his private life, and never told anything, and when I told him that that's odd, he said "Well, first, I am actually 34, I just lied on my profile, to get recommended to a higher span of people, to learn the language."

And that really hurt me. Because you can restrict, of what ages people can start writing with you. And, with my traumatic background, I absolutely love this. And when I see someone, who states, he's 22, to get around the restrictions and in his bio he says "I am actually 34, lol" I report them. Bonus points, if all of their friends are 16 y.o. girls.

And I really really feel uncomfortable. I was childish, I made some young people/social media references and memes that were absolutely cringe, but I felt safe, because I assumed, there was someone with a, more or less, similar background on the other side.

And now I feel very hurt and ashamed, for being so childish. And I think I'll tell him, that I don't feel comfortable continuing our conversation, in the light of this new news.

I just needed to write this down, to see, if that is reasonable, or if I am just angry because he called me sensitive.

I hope you come to the same conclusion and don't judge me.

Have a nice day.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what happened. Please know that you are not childish for this and it's not your fault.

It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions and thoughts about this situation. It's understandable to feel hurt and uncomfortable after finding out that someone you've been talking to online has lied about their age. It's also understandable to feel conflicted about the age gap between you two, given your own feelings of youth and uncertainty about adulthood.

I just want to say that it's okay to set a boundary not to discuss politics, but I can understand that shutting him down in the moment may have set him off and made him call you sensitive, although his response was not okay. While it's okay to just say that you're done with the conversation and to give you a break, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you could say something like "I know you feel very passionately about this and I respect that, but I need to step away from this conversation or change subject as it's starting to stress me out." Remember that you don't deserve to put up with someone who cannot respect your boundaries, even when it comes to discussion topics.

It's important to remember that you are not responsible for other people's actions or decisions. It's also important to prioritize your own feelings and boundaries in any relationship, whether it's online or in person. If you don't feel comfortable continuing the conversation with this person, it's okay to say so and set a boundary for yourself.

It may also be helpful to talk to someone you trust about your feelings and experiences in this situation, such as a friend, family member, or therapist. They can provide a supportive space for you to process your thoughts and emotions, and help you navigate any difficult decisions or conversations.

If you're feeling hurt and uncomfortable in this situation, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and do what you think is best for yourself. You deserve to be treated with honesty and respect, and it's important to surround yourself with people who prioritize those values as well.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun