#I'm tired of wasting anxiety on these people

[imaginary-wanderer]

Mental health is going downhill, I'm not sure how to handle that right now... The end of the year feels more and more lonely at the days pass.

Cherish your loved ones, make sure they know they count in your life.

[ripclaudia]

haven't felt like shit in a while but it's nice to know i haven't lost the skill ✌️

[arcaneyouth]

"well at least I'll get good sleep tonight" they said, not getting good sleep tonight

[angelsfat3]

ꮩ, 狂信者。⸻[𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘯...]

Summary: Your face is unique, your voice and your way of behaving is so special, maybe that's why he fell in love. But you're just his fan.

C/w: Ni-ki thought you were a girl (short reader), small mention of anxiety, everything happens very quickly. ㅤ－ㅤTw: Few curses, anxiety attack.

Genre: fluff, kinda suggestive, romance, two points of view.

A/N: Apart from the fact that I struggled to put Japanese and Korean words into romaji, I decided to write this story with Stuck in the Middle as background song, and somehow I feel that the whole writing feels like read a kdrama(This is so embarrassing and trashy (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠))

your point of view.

The plane had finally landed at Incheon International Airport, marking the end of a long and tiring journey from Japan. You, with your backpack hanging from one shoulder and your heart beating with a mix of excitement and nervousness—because after months of insisting to your mother, she granted your wish to meet your favorite group—You decided that walking to your hotel would be a good way to familiarize yourself with the new surroundings and also to take advantage of taking photographs.

With the afternoon sun bathing the unknown streets, you began your journey trusting in the route marked by your phone, and your incipient knowledge of Korean.

As you progressed, the roads became narrower and the signs more confusing. The feeling of being lost began to slowly invade you, but your determination combined with stubbornness wanted to make you find the building through the image that was on Google...

As you turned a corner, you realized that you were just walking in circles, as the convenience stores and small restaurants were the same as those "three streets back."

The afternoon turned into twilight, and the warm lights of the lanterns began to come on, casting shadows that danced across the cobblestones.

The fear that you had been avoiding so much was present when a group of people passed by you and they only laughed. Your bad thoughts appeared with them, making you believe that maybe they were laughing at you.

Feeling more and more disoriented and exhausted, you decided to take a break and go into one of those stores just to buy a bottle of water and an onigiri. Five minutes passed just in you doing calculations to give the correct bill to the cashier.

As you left the premises you decided to start eating a little, trying to calm your mind and regain your composure. You checked the address on your phone again, but everything seemed just as confusing, the building was supposed to be a block away.

While you were looking for where to throw the plastic from the onigiri, from afar you could see a boy with a cap and a mask leaving a restaurant just a couple of meters from you, you thought it was destiny who gave you the opportunity to go to him and ask him. What can you lose? The dignity.

"E-excuse me!... You could- uh..." Your embarrassing attempt to ask him for help seemed to have scared him a little, because when he turned to look at you, he just made an "x" with his arms and gently shook his head.

Seconds later another boy came out of the restaurant, apparently he was with the person you had scared, so now you had two, quite tall men, glaring at you.

"Uh... Hotel?" Nerves took over you again, causing you to show them the image of the building you are looking for, pointing out the name of the place. When you didn't get a response you only felt a slight desire to cry, you felt that the last opportunity to have a comfortable place to sleep and to be able to see the people you admired.

Your hands began to shake and your heart accelerated after a few seconds because of how the boys looked around, not really knowing what to say to you.

"Uzai..." You turned off your phone as soon as you could and gave a small bow. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry for making you lose-...How do you say Jikan in Korean?" You whispered the last sentence. "Ah!, I'm sorry to waste your time..."

"You speak Japanese?" Suddenly, a deep voice interrupted your thoughts. “Do you need help with something?” You looked up slightly, meeting the eyes of the boy who had just come out. He apparently noticed your concern, so he would quickly try to strike up a quick conversation.

"Yeah.. I'm a little lost," you admitted, feeling a bit of relief at finally finding someone willing to help. "I'm looking for this hotel," you said, showing the address on your phone.

He simply nodded, understanding your situation. "Oh, I know that place, it used to be above the center of Seoul, but they changed it to the Gangnam area. It's not too far from here. Do you want us to accompany you?” He asked adjusting his cap.

“I like the idea! But... Will your friend agree?” You responded, tilting your head a little, noticing the brunette in the back with his gaze focused on his phone.

“He'll be fine, come on, I'll take you—we'll take you to the hotel, before it gets too late,” he responded with a smile from under the fabric.

You thanked him for his kindness and together they began to walk, eventually the other boy followed behind them. The conversation flowed easily, and you discovered that he was also a fan of the same group. The coincidence made you feel more comfortable and less alone along the way.

From the way you both laughed or made very clumsy jokes, people around you could deduce that you were lifelong friends, when the reality is that you had been talking for 15 minutes since he offered to take you. During some moments there were also small friction between your hand and his or even when you caught him staring at you, either in the eyes or at your lips.

As you two walked, you realized that you had missed a small alley that connected directly to the main street where your hotel was located.

"Well... I think this is the end, pretty girl" he commented, pausing in his walk, making you see the large building.

Finally, you arrived at the hotel just as the sky turned completely dark. When you said goodbye to your new friend, a feeling of sadness flooded your body for a few seconds, it was a shame that the only person who helped you did not have a phone number and continue to know each other, however you thanked him deeply for his help.

He wished you a good stay and reminded you to enjoy every moment of your trip.

As you were about to enter through the revolving door, turning around just to look at him and say, "I'm a boy," you let out a laugh as you saw his eyes widen.

"Oh yeah? Oh.. well, never mind. It was nice meeting you, pretty boy." He finished saying goodbye to you with his hand moving from side to side. You quickly went into the hotel with your face all red from the nickname he had given you.

Entering your room, you dropped your backpack and collapsed on the bed, feeling a mix of relief and satisfaction. Despite the setback, you had managed to get there and, in the process, you had made a new friend. With a smile on your face, you prepared to rest, knowing that tomorrow you would be face to face with your idols.

￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

“So.. Was she really cute or were you just doing this out of kindness?” a male voice asked.

“Cute.. he was cute.” The taller boy responded, with his head down as he continued walking towards a company, next to his friend.

"He?! Holy shit, Ni-ki... You're in serious trouble if anyone else finds out.” Heeseung commented.

“I know, but I doubt they will ever know, for my bad or good luck, I only spoke with him for a couple of minutes,” He paused while he removed his mask and cap once inside the facility. "His voice... his eyes, everything about him was so cute, did you see how small he looked next to me... ssibal" he whisper.

“Yes, I know how he looked like, I was also going with you two, in case you forgot,” Heeseung said with a slight expression of annoyance, this because of the dramatic way in which Ni-ki gently pressed his forehead with his hand. “It's not the end of the world either, you know? Maybe you will meet him by chance another day and—”

“Or perhaps I will never see him again and I will die without even knowing his name,” Ni-ki commented.

￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

The sun was just beginning to rise when, still with the excitement of the previous day throbbing in your chest, you woke up to the insistent sound of the alarm. Today was the day you would finally get to see the boys you've admired for a while face to face, and the excitement was mixed with a touch of nervousness.

A new day began normally, although given the fact that it was your first time in another country and alone, you felt like you were in a dream movie or drama. Clouds adorned the sky, which was as blue as the sea. When you jumped up just to open the window, your entire room lit up.

After a quick breakfast and a mental review of what you planned to tell them, you left for the event venue. The city was alive at that time of the morning, but you only had one thing on your mind: fansing.

And, although you didn't want to admit it, you also thought about the boy you had met the day before, the one who had turned you red and tomato for the simple fact of calling you "pretty boy."

You kept thinking about the way in which on the short journey from that place to your hotel, he always tried to make you smile or talk about your tastes. His deep voice, his height, the way he tried to make you feel safe and although it was difficult to see his face, his eyes were so pretty. A dark brown adorned on the outside by her long, drooping eyelashes... It was so cute.

You left the hotel completely ready, a small bag where you carried small gifts for each member, as well as the most recent album so they could sign it.

Upon arriving at the venue, the energy in the atmosphere was palpable. The lights, the preparations, the murmur of the people... Everything contributed to a crescendo of anticipation. You tried to stay focused as you waved at a few girls before you.

Ni-ki's pov.

The day had started early for him, as usual. The alarms sounded in sync with the first ray of sunlight, calling all members of the group to prepare for the day's event. With automatic movements, he headed to the bathroom, washing his face and brushing his teeth as he tried to clear away the drowsiness.

He carefully chose his outfit, casual but in the iconic colors of his comeback, adding the finishing touch with a pair of accessories he knew fans would love.

Although fansings turned out to be somewhat exhausting, there was something about this particular one that filled him with an inexplicable excitement. Maybe it was the fact that they had spent weeks in the studio, or maybe it was the simple pleasure of seeing their fans again.

As he got ready, his thoughts returned to the boy he had met the day before. The pretty boy, as he had called him in a moment of spontaneity, continued to haunt his mind. He remembered how his eyes sparkled when he talked about his passions, the way they became more slanted when he laughed at some bad joke, how his smile seemed to light up the surroundings, and how his initial nervousness dissipated as they talked.

Upon arriving at the event venue, feelings of nervousness and excitement were mixed. The routine of getting ready, arranging some things with the staff, and going over the day's agenda was carried out with precision, but his thoughts kept wandering to that unexpected meeting. He wondered if he would see him again one day, if fate would allow them to cross paths again.

With each passing minute, the anticipation grew. The team gave them the final instructions while preparations progressed around them. The lights were shining brightly, the stage was set, and the fans' enthusiastic screams echoed in their ears, creating an electrifying atmosphere. It was all part of the magic of the moment.

When Ni-ki finally took the stage, he focused on doing his best, trying to connect with every fan who had come to see him, shaking hands, praising fans' perfumes or accessories, etc.

And then, as he waited for the next fan, in the crowd, as he watched some girls, waving at them, his eyes met a familiar look.

He couldn't believe it: the pretty boy was there, approaching him, with a small bag in hand and a nervous but radiant smile. In that instant, all the noise, lights, and hubbub seemed to fade away, leaving only the memory of those brown eyes and the surprise of an unexpected connection in the midst of chaos.

Ni-ki felt his heart speed up, and a warm feeling of happiness enveloped him, unable to hide a smile from ear to ear.

The boy approached timidly, not really knowing how to start the conversation. Ni-ki, still shocked by the sight, was the first to speak.

"Hello!" Ni-ki said with a smile, trying to hide his own surprise. "Is this your first time here?"

The boy smiled back, although clearly nervous. “Um... Actually, yes,” the boy responded, almost whispering. “I��brought this for you” He extended the bag towards him, making the taller boy take a look inside.

Ni-ki carefully took the bag and looked inside better, finding a small letter and some candys. He looked up and saw that the boy was watching him carefully, waiting for his reaction.

“This is... Thank you very much, this is very nice,” he responded, letting out a soft laugh, feeling a pleasant warmth in his chest. "What's your name?" He asked.

The shorter boy blushed, his gaze dropping to the ground for a moment before meeting Ni-ki's eyes again. “My name is [...]” he responded as he watched his Idol take his hand out of the corner of his eye, causing his heart to beat rapidly.

Ni-ki felt a mixture of shame and tenderness. He didn't want to pressure him, knowing that his Korean wasn't the best, so he decided to move forward gently.

“Oh! Are you japanese? You would have told me before…” exclaimed the tallest one, regulating his voice so that only the one in front of him could hear him. "I'm glad you have come. You are having fun?"

The boy nodded, clearly relieved by the change of topic and language. "Yes, a lot. It's my first time at a fansing, and it's... amazing. I can't believe I'm here, talking to you, holding your hand...”

“Well, believe me, I'm very glad you came,” Ni-ki commented, feeling a special connection in that moment. However, unfortunately time couldn't stop just so the two of you could continue talking, so you continued at the same pace as always, one minute and goodbye. “I hope you enjoy the rest of the event. And thanks again for the gift. It means a lot to me."

You were both silent for a moment, just smiling, staring at each other. The rest of the minute they spent talking about basic things: tastes, music, clothes and sometimes about the album.

Finally, the boy said bye with a soft "goodbye", and Ni-ki watched him approach the next member, his heart still pounding.

When the event was over and Ni-ki had a moment to reflect, he realized that that brief encounter had left a deep mark on him. The unexpected connection, the mix of shame and love, all contributed to an experience he would cherish for a long time.

"So... that boy turned out to be our fan" Heeseung said, approaching the minor, gently squeezing his shoulder in a way to comfort him.

“No, he's just my fan.” He smiled, caressing the letter you had previously given him.

￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

메모 ! 📌ㅤ⸻ㅤ Let's avoid the fact that I put Ronaldo in the Lore and let's avoid that I also made everything very cliché. 😴

ㅤㅤ아이디어 !ㅤ⸻ㅤI'm very short of ideas lately, so feel free to ㅤㅤㅤ leave me any requests! <⁠(⁠￣⁠︶⁠￣⁠)⁠>

ㅤㅤ All credits to @angelsfat3 / @foschiamara

￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

[temis-de-leon]

MC with a selfish best friend

MC mourning the loss of a long toxic friendship with the help of the brothers.

Characters: demon brothers and fem!MC (written as platonic, but could be read as romantic)

Masterlist , Part 2 (kind of)

CW: continued discussion about weight gain and weight loss, eating as a coping mechanism, obssesive and manipulative behaviour, emotional blackmail, a glimpse of animal neglect, a tiny nod at suicide, MC trying to hide her feelings, anxiety, TLC from the brothers

A/N: kind of self insert because I'm writing my own experience, so this isn't the most relatable MC. Still, I hope you enjoy it! Remember I'm not a native english speaker, so there might be some grammar mistakes.

.

.

Back then, not that long ago, MC was completely sure she wouldn’t go any further in life. She was stuck in college, in her family and her friend group. There was a dynamic she could work through and, although it could be better, she wasn’t one to complain.

It was a flooded basement with filthy water, but at least it lacked rats.

She just needed some time to start working on herself. Go to therapy, lose some weight maybe? Start cooking again and stop wasting money on fast food. She did use to enjoy spending time in the kitchen and experimenting, after all, but the only things she cooked during her last months in the human realm were mugcakes and pasta. Not necessarily nutritious, but easy to make.

Thank god she had her best friend.

Her companion in the basement, the one with the flashlight.

MC wished she let her hold her hand too.

.

.

“She’s overthinking again. Not good”

“Look who’s talking”

“Hey! It was just a joke!”

“Should we talk to her?”

“Maybe when she comes back, else we’ll give her a heart attack”

“Yeah, Lucifer would kill us”

“Oh, so now we’re doing this for Lucifer?”

“Don’t be selfish, Mammon”

“Who ya calling selfish?”

“Ugh”

MC listened carefully, softly smiling at Beel and Levi’s voices drowning Mammon’s in an almost silent screaming match.

She couldn’t see them from her position, her upper body completely sprawled over the armrest and her line of sight lost in the ashes of the chimney. The fire cracked, threatening to die in front of her, but it was difficult to get up when her body weighted so much. She was tired and hungry and nauseous and even the idea of sitting straight sent bile to her mouth.

Then someone walked into the common room, shushing harshly and getting the other brothers to cease their fighting. Whoever it was, probably Lucifer or Satan, must have thought she was asleep.

So MC closed her eyes, hiding her face in the crook of her arm and basking in the comfortable silence. She could hear them still; the shuffle of cards, a plastic wrapper, buttons and joysticks.

The newcomer got close to her, covering her body with a blanket and sitting at her feet before opening a book. There was enough space in the couch for at least two more people, but MC still curled up, trying to make more room for him. She stopped in her tracks when he grabbed her ankle in a gentle grip, a gesture that brought some warmth where her pants didn’t reach.

Would someone add another log for the fire? Everyone seemed too comfortable to move.

At least the blanket was thick. Pure hellish wool or something, because every animal in the Devildom was just a bigger scarier version of those in the human realm. It was also, however, softer than any type of textile she could’ve ever find back home, so the creature could spit fire for all she cared.

Suddenly, the brother caressing her ankle tightened his grip for a short moment, demanding her attention. When MC opened her eyes, she found Satan smiling at her with no one else in the room. She must’ve fallen asleep after all.

“Dinner is ready”

He let her stretch, unconsciously comparing her to a cat when she arched her back and cracked every possible bone in her body. Satan wondered if that ever hurt, but MC seemed to enjoy it very much whenever she had the occasion to do so, like when they came home from classes after a long day or when they bought groceries for the whole week and Beel. 

“Did you not sleep well last night?”

“Not for a while, no”

“Is that so? Something troubling you, MC? Anything I can help with?”

“I don’t know”

She sounded sincere, but Satan didn’t buy it. Only a month had passed since MC came back to the Devildom, looking a bit more tired than when she left at the end of the first year of the program, and she’d acted ecstatic when she learnt she would be living with them again.

He was sure the problem relied in her human phone, something she didn’t have last year and Diavolo had kindly allowed her to keep.

All of his brothers, even the eldest, were greatly impressed when MC showed them how she unlocked the device with her fingerprints, as well as the human versions of Devilgram, Deviltube and Akuzon. That was a fun day, but time passed and soon the phone became an inconvenience. Someone at the other side of the line was taking their beloved human’s time, leaving her exhausted in the aftermath of their conversations and, if Satan vision’s was correct, teary eyed.

That would not continue. Not on his watch.

“We’ll look into it in another moment. Right now, let’s go with the others. Aren’t you hungry?”

“God, yes!”

They both chuckled and he forced his thoughts away. They could wait for the time being.

.

.

Beel didn’t judge her, but she didn’t feel as happy as she thought she would whenever they sneaked in the kitchen at the late hours of the night.

Opening the fridge door with slow movements, trying not to make noise while taking plates or bowls and eating in silence between giggles and short whispers brought a sort of familiarity. And Beel never judged MC. Why would he? He ate even more than her. He’d keep going long after she was finished, full enough to want to puke everything, and MC would feel a wicked satisfaction knowing that no matter how much she ate, there was someone that would eat much more.

Those nights she’d go to bed feeling sick and greasy, too regretful and high on sugar to be tired. Then, by morning, she’d force herself to eat breakfast and go on with her day just to get whatever sense of normality she could reach.

Although, lately, things had been slightly different.

They still got together at night and filled their mouths to the brim, but Beel was adamant about MC going to the gym with him when the morning came, before everyone was out of bed. Of course she’d said no since the beginning, but he kept insisting, saying she didn’t have to exercise if she didn’t want to.

MC still said no.

Then Asmodeus put his input.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do, hon’, but you aren’t getting your 8 hours of sleep and you’re adding calories during the night. That’s horrible for your skin!”

And had it been her mother saying that, MC would’ve lashed out, rejecting opinions she’d been hearing for years over and over and over again, but this was Asmo. The Avatar of Lust. The most beautiful demon in the entire Devildom. MC guessed she wasn’t being fair to her mother, who also loved her and hated seeing her so sick and tired all the time, when it was Asmo she couldn’t ignore.

“I get anxious when I go to bed” she finally confessed.

MC could feel Satan’s eyes on her, but he stayed silent.

“Spend the night with me” intervened Belphie with an honest smile, a muted worry in his eyes “I could make you so tired you wouldn’t want to get out of bed”

“No way!”

Everyone looked at Mammon and several sighs filled the room. The demon, although deeply blushing, kept talking with an overbearing smugness.

“If someone’s gonna sleep with her, it’s gonna be me! Don’t worry MC, the Great Mammon will chase the nightmares away!”

“I think sleeping with you would give her nightmares, actually”

Mammon turned to Levi, ready to swing at his brother, but MC talked before the fight started.

“It’s not nightmares, Mams, I just feel anxious. You know, like, I can’t stop thinking”

“About what?”

She looked at Satan, who was staring at her with a calculating glance, surely remembering what she told him days before when she fell asleep on the couch.

“I don’t know… Everything, I guess”

All of them stayed silent, ignoring what they were previously doing. It didn’t feel uncomfortable, but MC wished someone said anything.

Of course, Mammon spoke first.

“Well, that’s a lot”

“No shit, you moron”

Levi finally got smacked and the rest of them went back to do their own thing, letting MC’s lack of sleep behind. A part of her wanted to keep the conversation going, but she felt too embarrassed when she tried to open her mouth again, especially having Satan looking at her like a hawk.

You don't want me to stare at you? I want to. What's the problem?

She achieved to ignore him in the end.

That night she stayed in her room, pacing, chewing her sweatshirt’s aglet while humming that Phineas and Ferb’s song and turning her headphone’s volume to the maximum with a different music threatening to deteriorate her hearing.

Anything to distract herself and not go to the kitchen.

Finally, hours after bidding the brothers goodnight, MC threw herself on the bed. Her feet were aching, its footprints surely engraved in the carpet, and she forgot to take her headphones off, making the position uncomfortable, but the important thing was that she didn’t have the need to eat anymore.

However, Beel still knocked her door at dawn.

MC stared at him when she opened, bleary-eyed and mouth as dry as cotton, the hem of her pyjama pants so high they looked like pantaloons. He, on the other hand, was completely awake and seemed ready to conquer the day.

“Before you say anything, I’m not going to the gym today”

There was a heavy silence for a couple of seconds.

“Then why did you wake me up? We have classes tomorrow”

Beel stared at her with a worried expression.

“We don’t. It’s Saturday”

“Ah”

She could’ve sleep longer? MC wished she was mad at him, but his puppy stare was hypnotizing.

“I want to go for a walk today. And I want you to come with me”

He lowered his gaze for a moment, biting his cheek while waiting for an answer. MC turned around and looked at the window, still unable to decipher what time it was by looking at the sky.

There were a few things MC missed from the human realm. The sun was one of them.

“We could go to the park, feed some birds and then have breakfast somewhere else. I swear I won’t eat the seeds this time"

She chuckled, rolling her eyes when he smiled back. Then she looked down at the rolled pants and her bare legs.

“Is it cold?”

“I don’t think so, but you can borrow my jacket”

MC sighed and rubbed her eyes, waiting until the white spots disappeared before walking towards her closet. She wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again, she knew that.

“Let me change and then we’re going. But you owe me one, Beel!”

His smile was too wide for him to answer.

.

.

Breakfast with Beel ended up lasting three whole hours, which was understandable, and they spent the whole time talking about nothing and almost everything, both of them clearly avoiding the subject of her sleeping habits.

MC really did want to talk about it, but then again, what did she want to talk about exactly? She had trouble falling asleep, yes, and she’d gone back to eating her feelings, but she couldn’t point out the reason. Her nights were filled with paranoia, making her revaluate every piece of interaction she’d had since she got back home from the Devildom months ago. Did she spoke correctly? Did people understand that she was just studying abroad and not begging for attention?

She hoped her best friend dropped those accusations. MC would never stoop so low. Just thinking about it brought tears to her eyes.

“Don’t you want anything else?”

MC looked at Beel and the stack of plates surrounding him at the table, mugs and cardboard boxes stained with chocolate, whipped cream and frosting. Her side of the booth was much cleaner, but when she lowered her gaze the only thing she could think of were mugcakes and pasta and the taste of bile in her mouth at the sight of her bloated stomach.

“No, I’m fine”

She knew he loved her. She knew she could talk to him and he would listen and maybe even hold her hand, but the small restaurant was already filled with demons and witches and whatnot and MC knew she’d only be able to sob the moment she’d open her mouth, so she stayed quiet.

Beel nodded, going back to his food with a strange calmness. Maybe he was close to being full?

But no, it wasn’t that.

MC gasped when she felt his foot weakly tapping hers before going under it to support its weight. A small comfort, like the prelude of a long awaited hug.

He didn’t know how much she appreciated it.

.

.

Winter had already reached the Devildom the day MC opened her closet and stared at her clothes. No matter what she chose, everything was at least a size bigger.

She guessed finally going to the gym with Beel did have some payoff.

“Is something wrong, MC?”

Asmo turned the lights of her bathroom off, walking where she was silently standing while staring at the discarded clothes around her.

“You don’t feel like dressing up today? We can stay home and do some self-care if you want”

MC turned around to look at him with gratitude. She knew how much he wanted to go shopping, especially with her. Finals ended just the day before and everyone had been so occupied they’d barely seen each other outside classes and meal times.

“Don’t worry, it’s not that. It’s just that… everything feels wrong. I think I lost weight”

He chuckled at her revelation, hugging her waist and kissing her cheek between giggles.

“You’re taking care of yourself, silly! Whatever are you doing with Beel in the gym, I wonder…?”

She laughed and lightly hit his arm, showing no ill intent, and Asmo smiled in response, not bothering to hide his lewd expression.

“Don’t be nasty!”

 “Oh, I’m just joking! But you know what this means, right? We get to renew your whole closet!”

MC turned around again, perfectly knowing that she could either spent her monthly allowance on clothes or start thinking on how she could rock the oversize streetwear style.

She sighed, trying to hide her smile with no success before speaking again. Asmo’s eyes were stuck on her.

“Very well, then” she wasn’t finish talking yet when the demon clapped his hands and jumped in excitement “I’ll trust your criteria”

He gasped and hit her arm in return.

“As you should!”

.

.

“So… how do I look?”

Mammon whistled, clapping and signalling her to turn around in response. Once she did a little twirl, he clapped even harder, not stopping even when she blushed in embarrassment and ran towards him to stop his overly excited appreciation.

“You look mighty fine, MC!”

“Stop!”

“Has anyone ever told you how hot you look?”

“Stop!!”

They were both laughing, her chasing him all around his room with burning cheeks and a gigantic smile.

The shopping bags waited patiently at the door, half of them already empty with a pile of clothes folded on the couch. Mammon had insisted on a private catwalk the moment he learnt she’d gone shopping with Asmo, his offense completely gone barely half an hour after starting the show in his room.

Every time she changed in his opened closet he’d cover his eyes with his hands and every time she came out with a new outfit he’d scream praises like a madman.

MC wasn’t used to this level of compliments and he sure was making it hard to stay calm.

“C’mon, go change again!”

“You’re acting insane right now, Mams”

She was smiling like crazy and her cheeks were hurting, but she didn’t want it to stop. When was the last time someone had been this hyped over her looking pretty? She couldn’t remember.

Then her phone rang.

MC stopped smiling when she saw the name on the screen.

She thought about answering and spoiling a nice evening because of a sour one-sided conversation. Was it worth it? Sure her friend could wait a couple more hours, right? She’d survived without MC the whole year she spent at the Devildom uncommunicated, after all.

“Is it The Unnameable?”

MC stared at her phone for one more second before turning around to look at Mammon, who was kneeling on the couch with his arms crossed over the backrest, eyes peeking with curiosity and another feeling she couldn’t identify.

“The Unname… Robdemor??”

He nodded, blushing and looking away.

“Yeah. You know, like, her name brings bad luck or some shit”

“She doesn’t bring bad luck”

MC didn’t sound as convincing as she wanted to and Mammon’s incredulity proved her point.

“Don’t be stupid, MC”

The pot calling the kettle back, she wanted to say, but no words came to her mouth. She was being stupid, wasn’t she? Everyone at the house already knew what to expect whenever her phone ringed or vibrated and they always did their best to distract her so she could leave the damn thing behind. She suspected Belphie even turned it off at one point.

Staring at her feet, trying to voice her feelings, MC talked again.  

“She just… needs me sometimes”

“Sometimes??”

Mammon got up, going around the couch to reach her. He looked flabbergasted, eyes opened wide and a myriad of words stuck in his throat.

The phone stopped ringing, but soon a flood of messages interrupted the silence to call for her attention instead. When she looked back at Mammon, he had frustration in his eyes.

She decided then she couldn’t bear to see him like this, so serious and reasonable. Was it too late to go back to chasing each other, laughing while trying new clothes? She’d been capable of keeping her feelings to herself since she could remember, but Mammon wouldn’t let her do that and she feared the moment the rest of the brothers decided enough was enough too.

God, she needed to talk, but not right now. Talking would make it real and she still wasn’t strong enough for the whole situation to be real.

In a matter of seconds her eyes were watering and she felt as if her throat had thorns stuck in her flesh, but before she could do anything about it there were arms wrapping around her. MC wasted no time hugging Mammon back, trying her hardest not to spoil any tears. The tags in the back of her new shirt poked her skin, making her squirm and get even closer to Mammon’s body.

He was rocking her side to side while petting her hair and there was no doubt he’d deny the whole ordeal happening afterwards, but she let herself enjoy the feeling anyways. It was nice being taken care of.

.

.

It was the first time MC had gone to bed so early since before college. Her eyelids felt heavy and the bed was soft and comfortable, at least three blankets shielding her from the cold outside that froze her window and sunk her room in darkness.

But she couldn’t stop staring at her phone.

She’d turned the vibration off days ago, but that didn’t stop the notifications from showing up on the lock screen and, although she could also take care of that, MC still wanted to be able to read the messages without needing to open the app.

Her best friend talked about everything, good or bad. Mostly bad. How she thought her boyfriend was cheating on her, even when she was the one cheating on him, how much she was eating because there was no one to stop her, how tired she was to even clean her cat’s litter box. She’d say if MC were there everything would be so much better, she wouldn’t feel so lonely.

She didn’t ask about MC once.

“You’re thinking so hard it’s giving me a headache”

MC’s body violently jerked at Belphie’s voice.

He’d entered the room in silence, closing the door and approaching her bed without making any noise. Seeing her freaking out made him snicker, but he was too tired to fully laugh and simply laid down next to her.

“Jesus, Belphie”

“No, just me”

“Ha ha ha”

Her sarcasm didn’t affect him in the slightest. MC watched as he closed his eyes and offered his hand to held hers in a firm grasp, probably not wanting to let her go during the night.

“Turn that damn thing off” he growled against the pillow when a new message showed up.

“I’ve seen you sleep on the ground before; you can’t complain about some light”

“Watch me”

She thought he was just joking, challenging her like a small child would, but Belphie managed to surprise her when he rolled over her body, grabbed the phone and threw it to the other side of the room.

“Belphie!”

He shushed, sealing her lips under his hand before hugging her body with all four limbs, trapping her under the covers.

MC could’ve complained and hit him until he let her go to retrieve the phone, but that would’ve meant pissing him off and staring at the screen for another hour or until her friend decided it was time to show some interest in MC’s life.

…

Whoa.

…

So that’s what it was.

That simple, uh?

MC waited for something to happen at her epiphany. Nausea, panic, heavy breathing. Instead, she felt an overpowering sense of relief. Her heartbeat evened and the frown she didn’t know she had in her forehead disappeared.

No headache, no memories. For once, no nothing.

“You’re not dying, aren’t you?”

Belphie’s head rose, looking at her with suspicion, but her eyes were stuck in the ceiling.

“Why? Would you feel guilty?

He stood over her then, pouting and frowning, and MC had to stop herself from laughing.

“Okay, you know what? I already said I was sorry. You can’t hold that against me for the rest of your life”

“I will as long as I can get something out of it”

“You’re evil”

“Said the demon”

His head fell face first on the pillow with a thud and if she didn’t know him any better, she’d be worried about him suffocating to death during the night.

“Why did you ask that, tho?” MC finally talked.

“Your heart stopped for a second” he shrugged and mumbled, his hold on her hand stronger than before.

“Oh… Well… Don’t worry. I’m okay”

“Are you sure?”

No, not really, but she didn’t want to talk about it in that moment. Maybe another time, when her speech wasn’t slurred due to sleep and she could organize her thoughts with a clear mind.

She hummed as an answer before speaking one last time.

“Goodnight, Belphie”

“Sweet dreams, MC”

He’d make sure of that.

.

.

MC had been quiet for a while. Not out of sadness nor ire, but something much more private. Something that left her pensive and still, staring into nothing with a serious expression. She laughed and talked with the brothers and, from what he heard, she enjoyed going to the gym with Beel, but Lucifer knew there was another factor escaping his reach.

Whatever it was, it changed MC for the better, so he was happy.

Even when the strangest ideas crossed her mind.

“I think I’m going to cut my hair”

He looked at her, clicking his tongue in disapproval when he saw her sitting sideways in one of the chairs with her feet resting in the other. She had a book resting in her lap. How long had she been looking at him and not reading?

“May I ask why?”

“I need a change”

Lucifer stared, taking his glasses off before crossing his arms over the document he was previously reading. MC got up and walked, zigzagging her way towards his desk as if she was drunk, but she looked as hopeful as ever.

“Did something happen?”

She nodded, ignoring his question right after.

“One of these days I’m just gonna… grab a glass of wine, go to the bathroom and bam! Haircut”

He raised an eyebrow, trying to hide a smile at her words. He hadn’t seen her so playful in months and the sudden change felt like a breath of fresh air.

“Do you even like wine, MC?”

“That’s not the point”

“And you shouldn’t use scissors while drunk, especially near your head” he ignored her “If it’s money you’re worried about, I can pay for a good hairdresser”

She laughed and shook her head, partially sitting on the desk. They stayed silent for a few seconds and Lucifer let himself observe her, how she bit her bottom lip deep in thought and how her fingers intertwined with a certain force. She was probably hurting herself at that point.

“I just really need a change”

He could tell there was more she wanted to say, but that seemed to be enough for the moment. The silence afterwards felt full with comfort.

“That’s fine”

MC nodded and sent him a small smile before going back to the chair, this time sitting with her knees stuck to her chest, but before he could put his glasses on to continue his work, she spoke again.

“Here’s what we’re going to do: I cut my hair in the bathroom and then you take me to the hairdresser to style it. Sounds good?”

“Are you going to drink while using the scissors?”

“I’m not a child, Lucifer”

“Might as well”

“Hey!”

“Just joking” he laughed, but MC could tell there was some seriousness behind his smile.

“I drink wine, I cut my hair and you check I don’t stab myself on accident, how about that?”

Lucifer pondered about it, envisioning himself behind her and watching over her reflection in the mirror, a bottle of wine in the countertop and another of Demonus waiting for them in the music room. She’d be the one to clean the aftermath, that bit was obvious, but something told him she wouldn’t really care about that.

The more he thought about it, the less strength he had to fight it. She could’ve asked Asmodeus or Mammon, but she asked him. MC wanted him to be with her during her progress, as stupid as the method was.

“Sounds like a plan to me, MC”

Her smile at his words was worth millions.

.

.

It wasn’t until several hours had passed that MC wondered if Levi invited her to his room with a hidden motive in mind.

The anime came out less than a day ago and she’d never even seen an ad about it, but he’d thoroughly claimed it was made for her.

And she could see why he would say that, honestly.

Sure, no ancient dying star granted her any mystical powers that allowed her to soar the skies or wear an alarmingly short sparkly dress; and she didn’t have an animal sidekick or a romantic interest that only appeared at night for some reason. She didn’t have an arch nemesis either, but she did have the closest thing.

MC was the selfish one, apparently, because how could she? How could MC have the audacity to ignore her best friend’s messages in her desperate times of need? Her boyfriend broke up with her because he discovered the cheating and no one was there to remind her of feeding the cat, neither to monitor her diet nor to fix the consequences of her bad decisions. She was in the lowest point of her life and MC dared to lose weight and spend time with her new friends? Outrageous!

MC unlocked her phone and stared in silence at the new text and voice messages, as well as some missed calls.

You disappoint me, MC.

After all I did for you?

I’ll die and it’ll be your fault.

I’ll die and I’ll make sure you’re the one to discover my body.

You’ll never be able to forget about me then.

You’re disgusting.

MC stared at the screen, not knowing if she should laugh or cry about it. In the end she chuckled and forced down the sting in her throat.

The TV in front of her suddenly turned into a kaleidoscope and she squinted as the heroine jumped from platform to platform, blasting her wand and singing spells. If she understood correctly, the cheery character was fighting her way through the first big boss of the season, her friends close behind her.

She could feel Levi’s eyes on her, no doubt studying her reactions to see if she liked the anime as much as he did.

“Hey, Henry!”

MC turned to look at him and smiled brightly at his rosy cheeks. She expected him to explain some hidden lore or the meaning behind the soundtrack, but he surprised her with his next words.

“Yeah?”

“I haven’t told you yet, but your hair looks so cool!”

“Oh!” she widely opened her eyes in appreciation, showing her teeth in a beaming smile right after “Thanks, Levi!”

“You look… eh… upgraded. Well, no, not upgraded. Erm…” he avoided her gaze for the next few seconds before pausing the anime, letting the room go back to silence. MC kept quiet, trying not to laugh at his awkwardness so he wouldn’t misunderstand the situation.

“You look really pretty, MC. Even better than her”

Levi nodded at the TV and MC stared at the heroine, the pause conveniently showing her winning pose. Big sparkly eyes winking at her and a knowing smile occupying half of her face, as if she was approving Levi’s affirmation.

MC felt the need to cry right then and there, but she held it in.

Her phone lighted up one last time before she grabbed it and turned it off in anger. She had a couple of seconds before the screen permanently went back to black, letting her read the last message.

Who do you think you are? How could you do this to me?

MC seethed. She knew who she was, even if she was still learning. Her hands itched and she forced herself not to throw the phone on the ground with all her strength. She still needed it to talk to other friends and relatives, after all.

After an entire minute filled with tense silence, MC spoke, suddenly meek and shy.

 “Hey Lev…”

“MC?”

He was staring her with caring eyes, unsure of what to do or what to say.

Fortunately, for the first time in a long while, MC knew what she needed to do. For herself and no one else.

“Would you help me change my phone number?”

She could write down the numbers of those she cared about the most and send a message asking them not to share hers without her permission.

Take care of her arch nemesis without destroying the entire world. Accept the help of people who showed joy at her improvement. Buy new clothes, change her style, cut her hair.

God, walking without that heavy weight on her shoulders would be difficult and painful, but she’d rather die before letting her ex best friend destroy her will and power one last time.

She laughed with a choke and Levi gasped her name.

She was crying.

.

.

.

@ourfinalisation

[instant-delusions]

ˑ༄ؘ ۪۪۫۫ ▹"Limitless"◃ ۪۪۫۫ ༄ؘ ˑ

wind pillar || shinazugawa sanemi × f! reader

cw! : typical sanemi behavior , smut : degradation, unprotected sex

a/n : people are calling characters 'lana del rey' coded, 'melanie martinez' coded - sanemi's fucking pink guy coded.

✧༺ 　　༻∞

'fuck this job' , you think while scrubbing away blood that has been splattered on the wind hashira's estate during yet another brutal training session. a kakushi, such as yourself, is hardly getting paid enough to do this.

'at least sanemi's not here' . obviously, his scary demeanor is well known throughout the demon slayer corps and the stress of being yelled at is something you'll gladly do without, even if the person yelling is as hot as he is. well, it's no secret - the open uniform showing his abs, the dominating aura, his voice, even the scars on his body are more than enough to have you daydreaming filthy things while he mercilessly attacks lower ranks.

you throw the now bloody rag into a basket with other cleaning utensils and make your way inside, looking for the room you got the tools from. the estate was huge, showing you once again that the checks both of you get are miles apart. sliding shoji after shoji open, you thank god once again for sanemi not being home. after around five minutes you decide to just put it somewhere and head home, dreamily thinking of the sake on your nightstand.

"fucking slacking off?" you squeal in shock as a nightmare became true. sanemi's leaning against one of the walls with a raised eyebrow - crazy, you didn't even hear his steps. "of course not, sir! I'm just unsure - where do you want me to put these?". thank god your voice didn't betray you, usually you would've shat yourself by now. the wind pillar glances at the utensils in your hand and looks right back at you, he's definitely mad, completely having read through your laziness. "I fucking hate people like you. you're working for me, know your place." quickly, he stepped towards you, ripping the basket from your hands and throwing it across the room.

'fuck, he's obviously had a bad day.' you flinched as the basket made contact with the wooden floor, hands shaking with anxiety. 'he won't hurt me, right?' . he stared down at you furiously, clicking his tongue - "won't even talk, huh? are you that much of a bitch?". lord, his words sting but you're way too tired for this, it's been fifteen hours. "sorry. I didn't think it mattered, really. won't happen again." you answered, realizing that your tone must've sounded way too half-assed. you started to bow, but the next second your were pressed against the floor with his hand around your neck, realizing what just happened you tried to squirm out of his hold.

"you're such a fucking brat, can't even do the simplest job." he leaned down, his breath fanning against your ear. "I think it's time someone put you in your place." sanemi whispered. his voice is raspy, low and it sends shocks down your body, straight to your pussy. fuck, you're scared but also in the process of being absolutely turned on - in a pathetic attempt to struggle, you kick your legs, though he immediately presses his body down to trap you, sliding a leg between yours. dangerously close to your core.

the hashira licks a stripe from your ear down to where your uniform begins, and starts undoing the buttons of your top. "w-wait!" you choke out with a beet-red face, uselessy grabbing at the fabric of his clothes. "shut the fuck up. my day's been shit, i need me some pussy to calm down. you can do at least one job right, bitch." he speaks harshly, but the words light a fire in you, the way he talks to you, it's way too hot . the last button of your top comes undone and sanemi throws it away carelessly, pressing two fingers against your clothed cunt and lapping at your boobs immediately. you moan out loud and grind your body against his - damn, you've heard he's hot-headed, but diving straight in like this? you waste no time in undoing his belt, and pushing his pants down. sanemi sits back on his knees and pulls his boxers and pants down enough to free his massive cock.

"how's that gonna fit?" you ask him unsure, in response he laughs out and pushes your skirt down. with his fingers he pulls your panties to the side and inserts one, moving his thumb in circular motions against your clit. "imma make it fit." he answers, your loud moans almost drowning out his voice. the wet noises of your pussy echo in the room as he begins to scissor into you. "fuck, your pussy's drooling over my fingers, straight onto the floor. aren't you embarrassed, you whore?" he punctures his words with another finger and you arch your back of the floor, mewling and whimpering at his brutal pace. " 'm coming, shinazugawa-san!" you shout, teary-eyed, but the hashira immediately redacts his fingers, holding them to his mouth and licking them clean - what a lewd sight. you huff in a disappointed manner, which makes the pillar smile for a split second. cute. "sanemi." he corrects - "you're gonna cum on my cock."

you look down to his dick and see it pulsing, veiny, girthy and long. a drop of pre cum sliding down its side. "like what you see?" he smirks, obviously, he caught you staring. you nod shyly and he slaps your cheek. "use your words, slut." looking up into his eyes, you lick your lips and say; "...want your cock, sanemi." that definitely made something snap in him. a fat drop of spit landed on his dick, which he smeared all over. with a strong grip on his cock, he slid it through your folds slowly, the head nudging your clit, until he finally decided to push in.

both of you moaned at the tight fit - "fuck, you got a virgin pussy, (y/n)." the way his cock stretched you into oblivion didn't make the use of your name go unnoticed. "you..." a loud moan erupted from your throat - "know my name?". sanemi pushed against your cervix, filling you to the absolute brim. "of course, stupid." he rasped, letting you adjust to his size. after a while, you wiggled your hips slightly, signaling him to move, which he definitely didn't need to hear twice. sanemi pulled his cock out almost all the way and pushed it back in, which made you scream so loudly, he caught your lips in a messy kiss. "what the fuck, you want muzan to hear us?" he spat, picking up his speed. his balls lewdly clapped against your asscheeks and the sound filled the room. you could feel a string of your wetness connect them and threw your legs around his waist, bringing him closer. "fuck...pretty girl can't get enough of me, huh? cock drunk already?". you trashed around, a drooling, moaning mess and sanemi swears it's one of the hottest views he's ever seen. connecting your lips once again, he goes even faster, surely bruising the back of your thighs. "sanemi...oh my god, cumming! cumming!" you threw your head back, spasming around him, trying to milk his cock. he moans loudly at the tightness.

with a few more thrusts, he spills deep inside you, painting your walls white with his thick cum. sanemi pulls out with a sinful squelch and fingers the sperm that's threatening to spill out inside of you. like the gentleman he is, the man cleans you up and carries you to his futon. at this point, your shift has been 16 hours long and you can't wait to snuggle and sleep.

[maximoffcarter]

Now that you're here.

Pairings: Alex Cabot x reader.

Summary: Anxiety and insomnia were two of the things that kept Alex Cabot awake at night. Sometimes pills had to be her comfort to be able to sleep through the night; that was until she met reader.

A/n: This was requested by an anon, Alex having a hard time sleeping until she meets reader. I gotta admit that I love writing Calex but also reader inserts are comfort for me haha. Don't be afraid to send me an ask or message if you got any requests, I'm up for anything for now. Enjoy and leave your comments, reblog, hearts, whatever you'd like, will be very much appreciated🫶🏻

*not my gif*

“Alex, you look like crap.” Olivia said as Alex walked into the precinct, a bit of concern behind her words.

Alex looked at her with a raised brow. “You sure know how to compliment a woman.”

“Sorry.”

Alex sighed as she shook her head. “Sorry, didn’t actually get a good night sleep. What do you have for me?”

It was known that Alexandra Cabot was devoted to her job. She could stay hours in her office without a problem, as unhealthy as it was. She basically only got home to ‘sleep’, take a shower, and have some sort of food, whatever she could find really. She barely knew what free days were, not wanting to skip any work day in case they really needed her. But she was also conscious of how this affected her physically and emotionally, it could be draining, but there was nothing a couple of pills couldn’t do for her -also very unhealthy-. Today, she had been called to the precinct for some advice, frustrated as she figured they had nothing she could work with and she just wasted time in walking all the way here, almost running out of the building as she had some arraignments she had to get to. The day had felt so long and draining, she felt exhausted to the point where she could literally drop asleep in any place, but knew that once she was home, there was no way she was going to sleep.

So after leaving her office, she opted for stopping by a small bar that was near her apartment. The thought of a good scotch drink made her feel a bit more relaxed. It was a Tuesday, so of course the bar would be almost empty, which also was to her favor as she really didn’t feel like dealing with drunk people. As she sat down, she noticed a girl who sat just two seats away from her. Alex could definitely move to another seat, but she just wanted the drink so badly that she didn’t really care. As she ordered the drink, she couldn’t help but study the mentioned girl; she was wearing scrubs which meant she was either a nurse or she worked in the health area, her head was in a ponytail, some hair all over the place, but still cute. The girl was entranced in her drink, just staring at it.

“Hard day?” Alex said before she could even figure out that the words were coming out of her mouth. She was supposed to enjoy a drink or two and then leave, but now there was the possibility that she just engaged herself into conversation.

The girl looked up and her eyes fell on Alex, offering a tired smile. “You could say so.” She raised her brow as she noticed the drink. “Guess it was for you too?”

Alex scoffed, nodding, and taking a sip of her drink. “You could say so.” She grinned as she turned to look at the girl again.

The girl huffed a chuckle, turning her body to face Alex. “Judging by your drink and clothes…I dare to say you’re a lawyer?” She raised her brow.

Alex grinned as she nodded. “Is it that obvious?”

The girl shrugged. “Just a bit.”

Alex raised her brow. “And judging by your drink and clothes, I dare to say you’re a nurse?”

“Is it that obvious?.” She smiled softly and extended her hand. “Y/n.”

Alex chuckled as she took her hand. “Alex.”

They held each other’s hand for a little longer than expected, just staring into each other’s eyes. Y/n couldn’t help but get lost in those baby blue eyes, Alex was beautiful, she was sure she was the most beautiful girl she has ever seen in her life, and she sees a lot of people every single day. As for Alex, she felt attached to her, something called her in and she couldn’t help but study every single feature of y/n, even with the tiredness in her face, she looked beautiful. They finally let go of their hands and giggled quietly, their eyes going back to their drinks.

“Done with your shift or you’re heading there?” Alex decided to speak again, looking back at y/n.

Y/n sighed in relief. “Done with my shift. Almost 20 hrs cause I needed some extra hours. And drinking is not allowed before a shift.” She grinned as she looked back at Alex. “What about you? Done with…court?”

Alex chuckled as she nodded. “Yes. We don’t really do court that late, though. Just paperwork and preps.” She smiled.

“Private lawyer or…?”

“Assistant District Attorney. I work for Special Victims.”

Y/n tilted her head as she smiled. “So you know Liv.”

Alex raised her brows at the name and nodded. “I do. You know her too?”

“They call me in whenever they have a victim. I mostly work ER, so.” Y/n smiled. “So now I know the famous attorney they always mention.”

Alex shrugged and grinned. “Nice to meet you.” She chuckled.

What was supposed to go for half an hour or an hour, turned to three hours. Alex had said a drink or two would be enough, but now she was involved in conversation with y/n, which she did not mind at all because she was enjoying this more than she expected. She wasn’t one to give up information about what she did or anything about her life, but as y/n started talking about her life, she felt safe to talk about hers too. It wasn’t all work, it was also things they did out of work, which in Alex’s part, she really didn’t have much to talk about since her whole life was work but listening to y/n talk was enough for her.

After the last call, both women decided to take a walk in direction to their apartments. Alex knew she had to grab a taxi at some point, but she didn’t want the night to end even if she had an early morning. Y/n kept going on about some work thing, and Alex just stared at her the whole time. They finally got to a corner and in front of a building, Alex sure this is where y/n lived, and they stood there, smiling at each other.

“Here is my stop.” Y/n turned to look at Alex. “Thanks for keeping me company.” She smiled softly.

Alex smiled. “I should say the same. Sorry I kept you until late.”

“It was worth it.” Y/n blushed as her words left her mouth, she cleared her throat and then looked in her backpack, getting a small notebook and a pen. “You can throw it away or do what you please with it but…here’s my number.” She then gave her a small paper and smiled. “If I don’t answer, it’s not because I’m avoiding or ignoring you. I’m working.”

Alex giggled as she grabbed the paper and stared at it for a moment before she looked up. “Noted.”

“I’ll see you around, Alex. Be safe.” Y/n smiled.

Alex saw y/n get into the building and turning to say a final goodbye to Alex before she disappeared. Alex stood there for a bit more, playing the evening in her mind and smiling. After all the stress and tiredness, the least she had expected was to meet someone at a bar and staying with her for hours just talking and laughing. Definitely worth the tiredness for the morning.

********************

Alex groaned as she took off her glasses, putting them on her desk and then groaning as she rubbed her eyes. Not only was she tired, but she was frustrated. The trial hadn’t gone as she expected, there was still a chance to win but at this point, her options were limited and the only thing she could do was push through it and try her best. She was also frustrated because she had to cancel on y/n last minute, her desk flooded with paperwork that she needed to finish, so she had to call y/n to cancel.

After that night at the bar, Alex couldn’t help and she called y/n the next day, while she was at her office doing paperwork she had called y/n and they had a conversation for a whole hour, and before saying goodbye, Alex had asked her out. The date went smoothly, and it had been better than they expected. For a whole month, they tried to go out every week, but today that was not possible. She had enjoyed every minute she spent with y/n, her day being a lot better just by seeing her, even if she had not much to say, she could listen to y/n over and over again. She looked at her watched and sighed, it was pass 10:30 pm and she was nowhere near finishing. She looked down at her paperwork and was about to dive in again, but a knock on her door startled her, making her look up at her door.

“Y/n?”

Y/n smiled softly as she leaned over the door frame. “Hello, counselor.”

“What are you doing here?” Alex smiled, moving her hand to let y/n know it was okay to come in.

“Well, since a pretty girl canceled our date today, I thought maybe I could show up in her office with some takeout. Cause I’m pretty sure she has not had any food all day.” Y/n walked to the desk, raising her brow as she looked at Alex. “I took the liberty of ordering Chinese, hope you don’t mind.” She showed the bags she had in her hands and smiled.

Alex felt her heart beating a bit faster as she listened to y/n, smiling softly. “Any food sounds amazing. Thank you.” She stood up and moved to the small table beside her desk, followed by y/n. They both sat down, and Alex then looked at her confused. “I have a suspicion on how you got into the building, but how did you know where my office was?”

“I’m not gonna confirm or deny that I had to stop by every floor to find it.” Y/n grinned as she got the food out.

Alex furrowed her brows. “You didn’t.”

“Baby, I asked the guard.” Y/n chuckled softly.

Alex blushed softly at the pet name, grabbing the boxes that y/n handed her. “Right. Sorry, my mind is kind of screwed at this point.” She looked at y/n and smiled. “I’m glad you came here.”

Y/n smiled. “My pleasure. I wanted to see you, and if this is my chance to see you, then I’ll take it.”

Alex tried to hide the big smile she had on her face and looked down at the box of food she had in her hands, grabbing some sticks and started eating. They ate in silence for a moment until they started talking about their days, Alex complaining about the trial and then the whole paperwork, and y/n talking about her day at the hospital. There was a moment where Alex went back to paperwork just to finish up and y/n stayed there reading a book and finishing her food. Every now and then, they look at each other without them noticing, time to time they’d lock eyes and just smile, trying to hide their smiles. Alex felt like a teenager, both doing their homework or studying and just keeping each other company, looking at each other and then going back to it. But even then, she felt happy.

Pass midnight, Alex finally said she was done, grabbing what she needed to take home and cleaning up their empty boxes of food. Unconsciously, as they left the office and waited for the elevator, Alex grabbed y/n’s hand and intertwined their fingers, only noticing once they were inside the elevator. She turned to look at y/n, who was already looking at her with a smile on her face. Once they walked out of the building, they kept walking hand in hand, talking about everything and nothing at some point. After walking a few blocks, they were waiting for the green light to cross the street and that’s when Alex turned to look at y/n.

“Would you like to come over? To…my apartment?” Alex bit her lip as she looked at y/n.

Y/n smiled softly. “I’d like that.” She whispered softly.

Alex smiled, noticing the light was green and they crossed the street. At some point, Alex decided it’d be quicker if they called a cab, so they did. Alex never let go of y/n’s hand, sitting close to each other in the cab and just looking out the window, the silence was comfortable, something both women were growing into. Once in Alex’s building, they went into the elevator and waited for the doors to close. Alex just stared at the doors for a moment, until she felt y/n’s hand on her cheek and the next thing she knew, her face was getting turned in y/n’s direction and she felt a pair of soft lips on hers. Alex gasped quietly, but right after, her free hand went to y/n’s waist, pulling her closer as she kissed her back. The kiss was slow and sweet, with a hint of passion in it, nothing either of them had experienced before. They had shared cheeks kisses while saying goodbye, but Alex was too shy to kiss her properly, so to say she was thankful that y/n kissed her, it was an understatement. y/n broke the kiss and Alex tried to follow her to keep kissing her, opening her eyes as she heard y/n giggling.

“What are you laughing at? You kissed me.” Alex grinned.

“I did. But you’re cute.” Y/n smiled as she pecked her lips. “I’m sorry if I didn’t ask, I just been thinking about kissing you for so long.”

Alex smiled. “I have too, but I was shy.”

“You’re welcome.” Y/n chuckled and just as she was leaning in again, the doors of the elevator opened.

Alex pulled her quickly out of the elevator and walked to the end of the hallway until they were at Alex’s door. As soon as they were in, Alex turned to look at y/n but before she could do anything, y/n had the same thought as Alex and she placed her hands on Alex’s waist, pushing her against the door, her lips attaching to Alex’s in a heated kiss. At some point they kicked the bags off onto the floor, not really minding where they landed. Alex moaned softly as her hands went to y/n’s hair, her hips thrusting into y/n’s as she tried to get her impossibly closer to her. y/n pulled away for some air, but soon enough started kissing Alex’s chin and went down to her neck, biting and licking every inch of skin she found. Alex threw her head back, giving her a bit more access to kiss her.

“W-We should move to my bed.” Alex moaned out as she looked down at y/n.

Y/n looked up at Alex and grinned. “Okay.” She pulled away from Alex and took off her coat, Alex doing the same thing and grabbing both of them to put them on the rack beside her door.

Alex took y/n’s hand and pulled her to her room, as soon as the door was open, she turned to kiss y/n again, her heartbeat racing as y/n’s hand found the buttons of her shirt and she started undoing them. Alex pulled away for air, looking at y/n as she panted. Her hand stroked her cheek for a moment, her fingers then moved to y/n’s chin to make her look up.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Alex asked softly.

Y/n smiled softly, her heart pounding on her chest at the questions. “I’m sure. Are you?”

Alex smiled as she nodded. “I do.” She lost no time and went back to kiss her, her hands landing on y/n’s shirt.

********************

Alex woke up to the sun hitting her face, she forgot to move the curtains when she got home so now the sun was in a part of her room. She stretched a little and groaned as she moved, only to feel that she had no clothes on her and the only thing covering her was her blanket. She took a moment to register what happened the night before, and it clicked when she turned to look at a sleepy and naked y/n beside her. She smiled softly as she remembered the night before. Not wanting to get up yet, she laid on her stomach and faced y/n, her smile never fading away as she studied every single feature in her face.

Then her mind started wandering and she almost gasped at the realization that she had slept the whole night. It could’ve meant nothing, but she had been having a lot of trouble sleeping because of the cases they’ve had, her anxiety being present every single night making her have insomnia. But tonight she had slept, and she felt relaxed and rested, she could get used to this. She closed her eyes for a bit, not feeling like moving or doing anything at all. But then she felt the bed moving, she could hear y/n groaning softly and she couldn’t help but grin. She kept her eyes closed, the grin never leaving her face which gave her up, y/n knowing she was awake.

Y/n moved close to Alex and kissed her naked shoulder softly. “Morning.” She whispered.

“Morning.” Alex finally opened her eyes and looked at y/n, smiling.

“How long have you been awake?” Y/n laid her head back down on the pillow as her hand made patterns on Alex’s back.

“Not too long. I just didn’t feel like moving. Though I know my phone will go off anytime soon.” Alex chuckled.

Y/n smiled. “And I need to get home to change. My shift starts at 2 pm.”

“Why don’t you shower here?”

Y/n grinned as she raised her brow. “With you?”

Alex realized the insinuation of her question, she didn’t mean it like that, but she wouldn’t be opposed to it. “I don’t see why not.” She moved to sit up and stretch, looking back at y/n. Y/n stared at her and smiled, making Alex chuckle. “What?”

“You’re beautiful.” Y/n whispered softly as she smiled. “I don’t mean to come off as a creep, but even if you always look beautiful, right here…right now…you look the most beautiful.”

Alex bit her lip as she tried to hide her smile, she leaned down and kissed her lips softly. “You’re just as beautiful.” She smiled softly. “Now, let’s go to shower before my phone goes off.” She whispered against her lips before she pecked them.

********************

Alex sighed as she laid on her bed, looking up at the ceiling. She had been trying to sleep for the last 2 hrs but sleep was definitely not on her side. She had tried everything at this point, even had taken some pills for her anxiety but sleep was definitely not an option. She couldn’t quite understand why she was not able to sleep when in the last few days she had been sleeping just fine, but today they beat her up at trial and she had been a bit stressed about it. Also she had not been able to get lunch with y/n so that had added to her anxiety since she was now used to their little routine. She took her phone and stared at it for a moment, until she dialed the number and waiting, hoping she wouldn’t grab her in a bad moment.

“Hello?”

“Hi.” Alex smiled as she heard y/n.

“Lex! Hi! I’m so glad to hear your voice.”

Alex chuckled softly. “So glad to hear your voice too.” She smiled. “Are you busy?”

“No, I actually just finished with a patient, and I came to the on call room to lay down for a bit.” She sighed softly. “How are you? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

Alex bit her lip softly. “I can’t.”

“Is something bothering you, love?”

Alex smiled softly at the pet name, they randomly came but she loved when they did. “They beat my ass today. I worked with Liv and Elliot all day to try and find something that could help us.”

“I’m sure you’ll find something.”

“I know, just…” Alex sighed. “I cannot let this man walk free.“

“And you won’t. You got this.”

Alex smiled softly. “I wish you were here.” She whispered softly, almost to herself, but she knew y/n had heard her.

“Just a few more hours till my shift ends and I can go visit you at your office.”

“You don’t have to do that. I know you’re exhausted as it is.”

“I told you before…I’d do anything to get to see you for at least a minute. I can sleep later.”

Alex shook her head as she smiled. “You’re too cute.”

“And cheesy, but you seem to not mind it.” Y/n chuckled.

“Not one bit.” Alex smiled as she sighed. “I’ll let you get some sleep and I’ll try to sleep too.”

Y/n stayed silent for a moment. “Alex?”

“Yes?”

Another moment of silence and then Alex could hear a small sigh. “I’ll see you later.”

Alex furrowed her brows but nodded as if y/n could actually see you. “I will.”

Alex hung up the call and sighed softly as her eyes went back to looking up at the ceiling. Part of Alex’s work was to figure out people whether they were lying or not, she could either notice it in their body language or the way they talked, and their voices slightly changed. She had now been dating y/n for the last 4 months, they’ve made it official after the second night y/n had stayed over with her and she couldn’t be happier about it, but in the last week she could see that y/n was battling with herself about something, but Alex was not one to pressure her into talking -even if that was mostly what she did with her job-. At some point Alex closed her eyes and fell asleep, her mind clouded in thought of y/n.

********************

Y/n knocked on Alex’s door and smiled softly as Alex looked up and offered a smile. “Hello, Ms. Cabot.”

“Hello there.” Alex smiled softly as y/n closed the door behind her.

“I brought you some coffee and a sandwich. You can leave it for later.” Y/n said as she walked to Alex, putting her coffee in front of her and the box of the sandwich on the small table beside her desk.

Alex sighed, a smile on her face. “You didn’t have to.” She stood up and wrapped her arms around y/n’s neck.

Y/n smiled softly as she wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist. “I wanted to. You should be used to it by now.”

“You’re just too good to me.” Alex whispered softly as she closed the gap between them, giving her a sweet kiss.

“How are you doing today?”

Alex sighed. “Apparently Liv and Elliot are getting somewhere, Fin and Munch are trying to check on some records. Maybe we’ll get something out of it.”

Y/n leaned up to kiss her nose and smiled. “You got this, Lex. And I’ll be here for you.”

Alex smiled as she nodded, kissing her forehead softly. “Thank you.” She then chuckled. “What’s your height again?” She looked at y/n teasingly.

Y/n rolled her eyes. “You know, you might be a bit taller than me, but the heels are helping you. I’m not even short, you’re just too tall.”

Alex laughed softly as she nodded. “Okay.” She ran her fingers through y/n’s hair as her eyes stayed glued on hers. “Was there something you wanted to tell me earlier?”

Y/n’s breath hitched as she looked at Alex, thinking she might’ve forgotten. “I uh…well, sort of. But it wasn’t important.”

“You got all nervous. Sounds important. Anything I can help with?”

Y/n raised her brow. “You say that like you’d actually get me out of trouble. Will you get me out of jail if I murdered someone?” A playful tone in her voice as she kissed her cheek.

“I’d probably do it. Can’t say I won’t.” Alex grinned as she kissed her forehead again. “But don’t avoid the question.”

Y/n sighed softly as she closed her eyes, begging anyone that this would go okay. “Okay…I did want to say something, but I thought maybe it wasn’t the best moment to say it since it was through the phone and it was literally 3 am in the morning, so I held myself back from saying anything.”

Alex nodded. “Okay…I’m listening.” Y/n looked up at Alex and bit her lips, a hint of fear could be seen in her eyes and for a moment Alex regretted that she brought it up.

“I know we’ve been only dating for 4 months but…I love you, Alex.” Y/n smiled. “And you definitely don’t have to say it back. I’d understand entirely if this caught you off guard. I don’t expect anything back.”

Alex’s face softened at the words, her heartbeat racing as y/n spoke. She placed her hands on y/n’s cheeks and chuckled softly. “My love, stop rambling.”

Y/n sighed. “Sorry.”

Alex smiled. “I love you too.”

Y/n looked at Alex with a relieved expression, smiling softly. “You do?”

“Of course I do. How could I not? You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Alex pulled her close and kissed her lips softly.

“Now who’s cheesy?” Y/n whispered against her lips, kissing her again.

Alex chuckled softly as she pulled away, stroking her cheeks softly. “Hey…I know you want nothing but to sleep all day but…how about you sleep at my place tonight?”

Y/n tilted her head. “Sure, what time do you want me to meet you there?”

Alex bit her lip softly as she smiled. “How about I give you my keys and you wait for me? Get some sleep, something to eat, and I’ll get home after 7 pm.”

“Are you sure? I mean, I know I’ve stayed there but-“

“I’m sure.”

Y/n smiled softly as she nodded. “Okay. Sounds like a plan.” She tilted her head. “Do you mind if I shower there?”

“Not at all, you know where the towels are.” Alex went ahead to her purse and got her keys out, going back to y/n and handing her the keys. “Went grocery shopping already so fridge is kinda full, use whatever you need, and get some rest.” She kissed her forehead softly. “And thank you for the sandwich and the coffee.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Y/n chuckled as she leaned in to kiss her lips softly. “I’ll see you later. Will go to my apartment first for a bag.” She kissed her lips one last time. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Be safe.”

Alex smiled and blushed slightly as y/n blew her a kiss as she walked out of the office. She sighed happily as she returned to her desk. Never in a million years would she think that she’d be all in love with a beautiful girl, but things were definitely getting serious, and she was happy about it.

********************

Alex stood in front of her door trying to find her keys on her purse, cursing under her breath as she tried to remember where she had left them. Then a heavenly smell made her look up at her door, a smile appearing on her face as she remembered y/n was inside. She knocked on the door softly and waited, hearing footsteps approaching the door. As soon as the door opened, Alex looked up at her and her heart warmed at the sight of y/n smiling at her. She had spent the weekends with Alex before, whenever she didn’t have any shifts, but seeing her dressed so casually, was probably one of Alex’s favorite things.

“I love the way you’re looking at me, but I don’t think the pasta I’m cooking will agree with us.” Y/n grinned.

Alex chuckled as she walked into the apartment, pecking her lips softly. “Hi baby.”

“Hi.” Y/n whispered against her lips. “Back to the kitchen, your keys are in its place.” She went back almost running to the kitchen.

Alex closed the door behind her and locked it, putting both her coat and purse on the rack beside the door and taking her shoes off. She moaned quietly as her feet hit the cold floor, finally getting off those ridiculous heels she’s been wearing all day. She massaged the back of her neck as she walked to the kitchen, wanting to see what y/n was making for them. She smiled softly as she saw y/n working around her kitchen; y/n was definitely better at cooking, she always made sure to make either breakfast or dinner for them, knowing perfectly that it was the only times Alex actually had a proper meal that wasn’t a grilled cheese or take out. Alex couldn’t help but notice that she was wearing her Harvard hoodie, the smile never leaving her face; she definitely looked better in it, but she wouldn’t admit it. She walked to y/n and wrapped her arms around her waist, kissing the side of her neck softly.

“I see you got a new hoodie.” Alex whispered softly.

“Don’t tell my girlfriend, but I actually stole it from her closet. She’ll have it back, I just forgot to bring a hoodie and was cold.” Y/n chuckled softly and grabbed a bit of the pasta she had in front, blowing in it and putting her hand under it so it wouldn’t fall, turning slowly to Alex. “Taste it.”

Alex took the bite and sighed softly, closing her eyes. “Delicious.” She smiled as she looked at Y/n. “My favorite.”

Y/n shrugged. “I wanted to spoil you.” She smiled.

“Did you get some sleep?”

Y/n nodded. “I took a shower and then I was dead to the world for about 8 hrs. I got up and I decided to make dinner.” She smiled. “Go get changed while I serve dinner.”

“You really didn’t have to, but I appreciate it, love.” Alex kissed her cheek softly and disappeared into her room.

Once Alex was back, they both had dinner quietly at first, just enjoying each other’s company until y/n asked about Alex’s day, knowing that Alex had been stressed and maybe she needed to talk about it, so the rest of the dinner went with Alex letting all the stress and frustration she felt inside. As they finished dinner, Alex cleaned the kitchen telling y/n she’d meet her in bed soon. Even after all these months of getting to know each other and dating, Alex hadn’t had the guts to tell y/n that she normally took anxiety and sleeping pills to help her out a bit. It’s something she had put out there before, that she had both anxiety and insomnia, but somehow, telling y/n about it seemed a bit too much at the moment. She checked that doors and windows were closed, lights out and she then headed to her room, finding y/n reading a book while she waited for Alex. Alex stood there for a moment, thinking that she really could get used to this. She first went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and then walked to the bed and sat down, moving closer to y/n as she tried to see what she was reading.

“I thought you’d be reading a medical book or journal. Didn’t think you were a fantasy fan.” Alex grinned.

Y/n chuckled as she closed the book. “Well, sometimes it’s nice to get out of reality for at least a second.” She looked at Alex and smiled. “And it’s a romance novel.”

“Which are mostly based on fantasy. They make it seem too unrealistic, like in the movies.” Alex raised her brows as she teased.

“You’re no fun, Cabot.” Y/n rolled her eyes playfully and placed the book on the nightstand, turning off her light. She turned back to Alex and leaned in to kiss her lips softly. “So, what is realistic for Alexandra Cabot when it comes to romance?”

Alex sighed as she thought about it, grinning as she looked at y/n. “This. Us. Just…I don’t know. I like the way we work together.”

Y/n smiled. “I do too.”

“I wouldn’t change it for a thing.” Alex caressed y/n’s cheek and gave her a soft kiss. “C’mon, I’m sure you still want more sleep even after the 8 hrs.”

“It’ll definitely be better now that you’re here.” Y/n smiled and moved to Alex’s arms, resting her head against her chest. “Love you.”

Alex smiled softly and wrapped her arms around her tightly, kissing her forehead softly. “Love you too.”

The moment she felt y/n’s slow breath, she smiled and closed her eyes, falling asleep right after.

********************

Alex opened her eyes slowly, the sun coming through her window, making her groan a bit as she figured that she had to get up soon to get ready for work. But then something hit her, making her furrow her brows as she looked at the window; she hadn’t taken her sleeping pills. She opened her drawer trying to figure out if she probably didn’t because she ran out of or because she just forgot, but the bottle had enough for the next few weeks, so maybe she just forgot. She put it back inside and turned to look at y/n who was sound asleep. She laid there for a moment, a faint smile on her face as she thought back to all these months they’ve been together. She thought she was truly stupid or just an idiot, how could she not figure out that she slept so much better whenever y/n stayed because she was with y/n. It was the best sleep she got, feeling her close to her, whether she was in her arms or Alex was in her arms, just her presence made Alex feel so safe. And it took her all this time to figure out y/n helped her sleep better.

Alex laid there for a moment until she moved closer to y/n, her arm sneaking around her waist and pulling her closer, laying kisses on her naked shoulder and up her neck. Y/n sighed softly as she moved back into Alex, smiling softly but kept her eyes closed. Alex noticed and chuckled, leaving more kisses in her neck and up her jawline, she felt a bit bad about waking her up, but she really wanted to enjoy her morning before she got a call from someone from the precinct.

“I won’t mind waking up at all if this is the way you wake me up.” Y/n whispered softly, the raspy tone noticeable.

Alex kissed her shoulder and smiled. “I’d love to do that every day then. Sadly, I cannot do that when you stay at the hospital.”

Y/n chuckled, opened her eyes, and turned enough to look at Alex, one of her hands laying in Alex’s so she would leave it there. “Fair enough.” She leaned up and pecked her lips. “Morning.”

“Morning.” Alex smiled and leaned down to kiss her lips more properly. “I’m feeling some pancakes. Why do you say?”

“I can make some.”

“No, I meant I could order some.”

Y/n smiled. “You spoil me too much.”

“I love doing that a lot.” Alex kissed the tip of her nose. “Regular, chocolate or blueberry?” She moved to grab her phone and sit up in bed.

“Surprise me.” Y/n did the same and kissed Alex’s shoulder before she got up.

********************

“Alex?” Olivia asked softly as she knocked on her door.

Alex looked up and smiled. “Liv, hi. Can I help you?”

Olivia furrowed her brows as she walked into the office and sat down on one of the chairs. “I need a search warrant for the Levy case.”

Alex nodded. “What do you need it for?”

“We discovered that he might be hiding evidence, he collects prizes after rapping the girls and he could be keeping them in a special box. He also collects the underwear, so that might give us enough for an easy win.”

“And where did you get this information from?”

“One of the victims.”

Alex nodded. “Okay, I have an arraignment in an hour, I’ll try to find Petrovsky before that, and I’ll send it your way.” She smiled softly and went back to her paperwork.

Olivia furrowed her brows. “How’s your day been?”

Alex looked up at Olivia and smiled, a confused look on her face. “Uh…good? I guess?”

“A few weeks ago you looked like if we said something wrong, you’d throw us whatever you had on your reach. And now you look so…happy.”

Alex blushed slightly at the comment, knowing perfectly why she was like this. She took off her glasses and cleared her throat, looking down at her hands for a moment. “I’ve uh…I’ve been seeing someone. In the last few months. And…I figured out that whenever she stays for the night…I feel safe and comfortable that I wake up feeling so much better and well rested.” She smiled as she looked up at Olivia.

Olivia smiled, everything making sense now. “Does she lives with you now?”

Alex sighed as she looked down at her glasses, her fingers playing with them. “Not exactly. I mean- she has been coming to see me whenever her shifts end and then she goes back to my apartment.”

“So she basically already lives there.” Olivia chuckled.

Alex huffed a chuckle. “I’m an idiot for not asking her, huh?” She looked back at Olivia. “I’m afraid she’s not in the same page and I’ll ruin everything.”

“Alex, honey, she’s already staying with you every now and then. What if you’re also her comfort and that’s why she goes back to you every end of shift? Have you ever thought about it that way?”

Alex stared at Olivia for a moment, thinking back that she hasn’t. “Not exactly.”

Olivia nodded. “Ask her, and I’m sure she’ll say yes.”

Alex smiled. “I will.”

“How long have you been thinking about it?”

“Uh…2 months?” Olivia tilted her head. “Alex.”

“I know, I know. I will ask her.”

Olivia nodded. “You better, or I will for you.” She grinned as she chuckled, making Alex laugh.

********************

After the conversation with Olivia, Alex had in mind for 4 days how it would go down, or…overthought about how it could all go really down. She kept thinking over and over again how she could ask her. Was she supposed to just drop the question? Give her a key? Make a long ass conversation about it and then ask? Alex had never asked anyone to move in with her, hell she hasn’t even mentioned her anxiety and sleeping pills. She knew they’d come up at some point, but she didn’t know how to bring them up, she didn’t know how to ask y/n. Y/n had been braver than her when she told Alex she loved her, because it would’ve taken Alex another 2 to 3 months to tell her, just like the last 2 months that she let pass by and now she was having a hard time figuring out how she could ask her. She kept checking the time, waiting for it to be 9 pm, which was when y/n ended her shift. She knew today she was not coming to her apartment since it was late, and y/n’s apartment was closer to the hospital than Alex’s.

Alex sighed and went to her room, sitting down on her bed and looking at her pills. Was it too early to take them? Would she need them? She knew she’d definitely need them, but she was still in denial of taking them, but they had been so busy these past few days that y/n had not been able to come back to Alex’s, so she has been having a hard time to sleep. She sighed softly as she grabbed them and was about to grab the pill when she heard a knock on her door. She furrowed her brows but left the bottle in bed and walked out of her room. For a slight moment she felt a bit frightened because not everyone knew where she lived, but the moment she looked through the small hole in the door, she felt her heartbeat calming down and she sighed softly as she opened the door.

“Y/n, I was waiting to call you to ask if you were home safe.” Alex smiled softly but then her smile disappeared as she noticed y/n’s face. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

Y/n swallowed hard as she looked up at Alex, trying to hold back her tears. “I uh- I know I was…not supposed to come today. I’m…I’m sure you’re exhausted. God, I’m so exhausted.” She covered her face with her hands as she sighed. “But I needed to see you.” She said softly almost in a cry as she looked back at Alex, tears forming in her eyes.

Alex quickly wrapped her arm around her shoulders and pulled her into the apartment, closing and locking the door quickly to give full attention to y/n. “What happened? Are you hurt?”

Y/n shook her head, letting Alex take her backpack and her coat off her. “I lost someone. In the ER.” She finally let the tears roll down as she sobbed. “S-She was so y-young. She was only ten. And I…I tried to help to stop…to stop the bleeding. We took her for an emergency surgery and she…she didn’t make it.”

Alex sighed softly as she wrapped her arms around y/n. “Love, I’m so sorry.” She kissed her forehead softly.

“It’s not the first patient but…Alex she was okay when she got there. And 10 minutes later, she was complaining about a pain, and she passed out. She looked so terrified and I…I couldn’t do anything else.” Y/n wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist and buried her face on her neck. “I should’ve done more. I should’ve hurried up and not think she was okay.”

“You did what you could. And I’m sure anyone would’ve done the same things you did.” Alex kissed her forehead again, walking them to the couch.

Y/n sighed softly as she leaned into Alex again, trying to stop her tears. “They already talked to me and said I did every possible thing but just…god.” She rubbed her face. “They saw me so bad that they gave me a week off, paid. They told Anika to take the week off too, she was as freaked out as I was, I mean…she was in charge, it was her OR.” She chuckled sadly. “

You need some rest and to clear your mind. You’re amazing, love. You all did everything.” Alex whispered softly, grabbing her hand.

Y/n nodded as she sniffled. “I’m sorry I…I just…I didn’t want to be alone. I just needed you.” She whispered softly as she pulled away enough to look at Alex. “I’m sure you’re tired and just wanted to sleep.”

“No, baby. I was waiting to call you.” Alex smiled. “And I’m actually really happy that your first thought was to come to me and not go to your apartment.” She let go of her hand and stroked her cheek softly. “I’m here whenever you need me, and when I’m not, I’m just a call away.”

Y/n smiled softly. “I love you.”

“I love you more.” Alex smiled and pecked her lips softly.

“I didn’t bring any clothes, I uh…I just came straight from the hospital.“

Alex thought for a second and thought it was now or never; could be the worst time but it could also be the best chance. “Maybe you should have clothes here. I mean…I don’t mind sharing mine. You look lovely in them.” She chuckled.

Y/n furrowed her brows as she smiled. “So I should just…bring my clothes in here? For when I stay?”

Alex bit her lip softly for a moment as she stared into those lovely eyes she loved so much. “Yes. But…maybe…maybe you should always stay.”

Y/n grinned softly. “Alex, baby…I know you can talk better than this. I’ve seen you in court.” She chuckled as she wiped away the last tears from her eyes.

Alex chuckled softly as she shook her head. “I’m sorry I’m…a bit nervous.” She smiled as she sighed. “What I mean…I’d like for you to move in, with me.”

Y/n’s face softened, tears forming in her eyes again. “Really?”

Alex nodded. “You know…I love the fact that you first thought about coming here because you needed me, because I need you as well.” She took a deep breath. “I suffer from anxiety, and I have trouble sleeping, insomnia. I took pills and I…I never told you because I didn’t think it’d be important. But when you’re here…when you stay with me, it’s the best sleep I have and I just live having you here with me. And if I can do the same for you…I’d do it every single day. Because I love you. And I’ll always be here.”

Y/n smiled through her tears. “Alex.”

“Oh, my darling. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Alex wiped her tears and kissed her forehead softly.

“They’re happy tears.” Y/n smiled. “I’d love to move in with you. I wish you could’ve told me about your anxiety and trouble to sleep. I’d have moved in since our first date.” They both laughed.

Alex shrugged. “I wouldn’t have minded that.” She grinned as they laughed. “But I mean it. I don’t want you to ever go.”

“Then I won’t.” Y/n smiled. “My lease is due next month actually. So…guess it was the perfect time to bring this up.” She chuckled. “I…wanted to bring it up but I was also a bit nervous.”

“Guess we both overthought so much about it.” Alex chuckled.

“Well, I’m glad you brought it up.” Y/n leaned in and kissed her lips. “Thank you.”

Alex tilted her head. “For what?”

“For being you. For loving me. For being here.” Y/n smiled.

“I should thank you for the same things.” Alex smiled. “Hey, how about we order something. I’ll ask for tomorrow off so I’m here with you.”

Y/n nodded. “Sounds good.” She smiled. “Could we…maybe…take a bath together?” She bit her lip as she looked at Alex.

Alex chuckled and nodded. “I don’t see why not.” She kissed her forehead softly before the two of them headed to her bedroom. Their bedroom.

[mysticheathenn]

Where is Your Current Path Leading You? (Short)

Hi there! Remember to take what resonates and leave what does not. This reading does not supplement your need to go seek professional help.

Take your time when choosing your pile. Ask yourself the question and choose the picture that you can’t stop looking at. Listen to your intuition.

PILE l: Sacred Destiny Oracle: Release, & Forgiveness, Transformation (bottom of the deck) Cards: Tower, 10 of Swords, 10 of Wands, 8 of Wands, The Fool, & Ace of Wands)

You're walking away from always carrying the burden of constantly surviving and not living life. You're tired of living life in survival mode. You want something better for yourself to the point you're willing to do any and everything to achieve it at this point. New beginnings are on the horizon especially those who are in the creative field (doesn't have to be something creative). You're moving away and releasing things that no longer align with what you want for your life. This could be people (including yourself), vices, jobs, or even living situations. I say including yourself because with the transformation card maybe some of you are tired of the new year same me and want something better than what you have been giving yourself. For example, maybe you want to lose weight, learn a new language, or pick up some new skills or hobbies. Some of you I see that you feel ashamed how you wasted so many years on either not getting your sh!t together or on people who don't deserve it but now no more. You have made your mind up that this year will not go by wasted on potential or excuses. Beautiful endings are happening and it's coming in fast. Be ready, don't be fearful of these changes. For the new to come in you need to get rid of the old. You've got this! I'm rooting for you! Keywords to where your current path is leading you are: Movement, Release, New

Pile ll: Sacred Destiny Oracle: Going Forward, & Standstill Cards: Knight of Cups (reversed), The Tower, 2 of Pentacles (reversed), King of Wands, 9 of Cups)

I'm hearing fulfillment is what your path is leading you on. A lot of you this is more of an emotional fulfillment than a financial one. For the ones that resonate with financial fulfillment, I see you're going to come out on top in being financially stable for once. You've been struggling for so long with your finances you started to lose hope, but soon things will even out. For those who resonate with emotional fulfillment maybe you have been feeling depressed, anxious, experiencing panic and anxiety attacks because life has been too hard and stressing you out. Things will come to a pause soon and life will feel more at ease to just take a breather and enjoy life a bit more. Some of you an old friend might reach out and see if you want to hang out with others you might decide to let yourself enjoy the simple pleasures in life without feeling guilty like you have to be busy or everything is going to fall apart. Keywords to where your current path is leading you are: Fulfillment, Balance, & Ease.

Pile lll: Sacred Destiny Oracle: Illumination, Forgiveness, & New Beginnings, Healing Chaos (bottom of deck) Cards: Ace of Cups, The Hermit, 6 of Swords (reversed), Knight of Wands, The World Cosmos (reversed).

There are two messages here for pile 3 but a large portion of you are coming out of hermit mode because you are beginning to feel safe after some people have hurt you whether it's a relationship, family, friends, or even a workplace. You've been doing some healing and maybe even shadow work to help ease some of your pain along with just staying to yourself and with that comes new friendships, relationships, and possibly even a new career. You're going to be looking at life with a brand-new lens. Of course, some of you may be hesitant when you decide to dip your toe outside your bubble but you're going to be met with people who match your energy and not deal with one-sided friendships and relationships. Keywords to where your current path is leading you are: Relationships (Romantic/Platonic) & Healing For others, I see your path is about showing you who your true friends and family are. There are some snakes in the grass and foxes in the hen house. I feel a moderate amount of you know exactly who this person is but you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt because wHy WoUlD ThEy HuRt YoU when you have done nothing but love them. Remember sometimes the way people treat you has nothing to do with you or how you treat them but more so with their lack of love for themselves. This group reminds me of my previous tarot reading titled "The Harsh Truth You Need to Know" If you haven't already I would definitely advise checking that one out. Keywords to where your current path is leading you are: Endings, Choices, & Deception

Pile lV: Sacred Destiny Oracle: Adventures, Voyage, & Trust, Openness (bottom of the deck) Cards: 10 of Cups, The Hierophant, 3 of Swords (reversed), 2 of Wands, 9 of Pentacles

Upon seeing the Hierophant card I heard the poem by Rober Frost The Road Not Taken. You're leaving behind worry, self-doubt, and people-pleasing and walking into a new light where you follow what you want to do and not what others want you to do. You're trusting that inner voice that keeps nagging you to do what you want to do because you're tired of living life by the rules of others. You're tired of playing it safe because you feel it hasn't gotten you anywhere but feeling a whole lot of lack in your life and you're meant to be abundant pile 3. Some of you want to be travel influencers and travel the world but maybe some of your parents or even friends keep using scare tactics on you by sending you articles of people dying or getting hurt abroad. Or maybe telling you making money by doing something that isn't a 9-5 or "traditional" isn't worth it nor substantial and you've had enough. You're finally ready to take that leap and "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac. Just know when you take this leap it's not without a little bit of struggle, but I assure you with the 10 of cups you're going to feel happy and see that it was all worth it in the end. Keywords to where your current path is leading you are: Going Against the Grain, Happiness, &Belief

That's all I have for everyone. I hope you enjoyed this reading. Until next time, stay safe and blessed.

[st4rg1rl-16]

━━ ✶✶˖° 𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝗦𝗜𝗫 | 𝗡𝟰𝗦.

𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴(𝘀) ━ 2019 to 2023!11 grid x driver!female oc

𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆 ━ mattia calls for a meeting to talk about the relationship between his drivers, after it nick becomes suspicious about his feelings towards arabella

𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗲 ━ 2019, 10 april

𝗹𝗼𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 ━ shanghai, china

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 ━ anxiety, anxiety attack, sexism (there’s going to be a lot of this in this fic) mattia binotto slowly starting to show his true colors, kids being little shits to our babygirl

𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 ━ i was going to post this yesterday for valentines but since I’m single af and I was tired and bored of seeing all those people in love I tried to do my own bangs and guess what? i fucked up HAHSHSH so I was sad (I still am, I hate my hair so much right now) btw the parts in cursive like this are flashbacks or little previews of the future, keep that in mind!!!

𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 ━ @namgification @louvrepool @d3kstar @omgsuperstarg @whoselly @yl90 @wcnorris

• — need for speed’s masterlist

“OH, I also receive threats from tifosi. Things like "You are a traitor, you have left Ferrari for the enemy."

"Why did you leave Ferrari?" The interviewer, sitting in front of her but out of the eye of the camera, asked her.

The twenty-two-year-old Arabella let out a laugh in a snort raising her hips to get more comfortable in the armchair “Ferrari was not very... kind to me so I stopped being kind to Ferrari”.

Two, almost three, years earlier, an eighteen-year-old Arabella was sitting in an uncomfortable chair without being able to avoid comparing the beginning of her day to that moment. The cold office did not look anything like the warm room, the uncomfortable chair could not be compared to the comfortable and soft bed and, of course, the look that Mattia Binotto was giving her was the opposite of the affectionate and warm look that Charles had given her when she had woken up in his arms.

She looked up at her manager, who watched her standing behind Ferrari's boss, with his arms crossed over his chest and serious face. Next to him was Charles' manager.

She looked down at her hands where her fingers had begun to play with the rings that occupied the opposite fingers. She wanted to look at Charles to see a smile, a look or at least feel his hand against her giving hers a squeeze trying to say that everything was going to be fine but she preferred not to do it.

"I'm going to get straight to the point, I don't want to waste some time we need" The Italian's black curls peeked out under the red cap when he shook his head looking at his wrist where a watch was. He looked up to the front again to see his drivers “Are you dating, yes or no?”.

A deep silence crossed the room after the question while the three "adults" looked at them expectantly. The silence was clear but for Arabella there was a lot of noise in the room, she could hear her heart beating in her ears, Charles' breathing next to her, the annoying noise that Binotto's fingertips made when he hit the glass of his desk.

When he saw that they didn't answer, the Italian let out a sigh “I need you to tell me the truth. It's not that I care who you sleep with but the men above seem to care and they don't find it funny their drivers dating” He looked at them desperately “You can lose your seats in Ferrari because of this, guys”.

"It would be a breach of contract," Nicolas, the manager of the 16, said in a sigh. He looked at his client with severity “Not only would you lose your position in Ferrari but you could be sued”.

An alarm began to sound non-stop in the head of the youngest in the room, suddenly she felt a dizziness and her chest contracted. She thought of her parents, of her brother, of her eleven-year-old self. It would be a disappointment for them.

Everything she had fought for would go to hell in a second.

She dared to look at Charles sideways and when she did she had to take a breath, he was already looking at her. She separated her gaze from his and lowered it to the ground, her hands began to play with each other again before she squeezed her jaw and looked up: looking, for the first time since she had entered the room, at their boss.

"We're just friends, can't friends hold hands?" A crooked smile slipped down her lips while she shrugged "I'm sorry, I can't help it, I'm very affectionate. You can ask Carlos, Lando or anyone, I'm always holding hands with them or hugging them”.

The eldest of the room turned to her manager looking for confirmation and when he saw Nick nod he let out a sigh of relief that almost went unnoticed by the others present. He turned his gaze to the young duo in front of him and nodded to himself "Well, then there's not much to say. You are free to go”.

The first to get up from the chair was the girl, who began to go to the glass door wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. She heard the chair in which Charles was sitting crawling on the floor and a short time later she felt his presence behind her. She placed her hand on the doorknob ready to leave but the voice of the team boss stopped her.

"Avoid expressions of affection in public, please. We can let it go once, but twice...”His tone was calm but it hid something behind his words, the girl didn't want to jump to conclusions but could swear that it was a threat. She knew that the words were for the both of them, but then, why did she feel his eyes only on her?.

She heard Charles' voice respond with a "Yes, sir" while she turned again to get out of there once and for all but then she heard her name with a slight Italian accent overflowing through the white walls causing her hand to freeze on the doorknob, she closed her eyes strongly waiting for the worst.

"I'm sorry for what has happened in Twitter, the advertizing team has already taken care of everything. I can't even imagine what you've been through” His words were nice and even somewhat kind but the tone with which he had said them made it clear that those were not the feelings he really felt towards the girl. She looked at him over her shoulder, ignoring the questioning expression on Charles' face and the frown of her manager, and nodded before running out of there.

She passed through the garage aware of the not at all disguised looks of the team on her, she accelerated the pace wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible.

She needed to be alone, get away from reality even if it was for ten minutes. She felt that at any moment she was going to faint.

She went to her driver’s room, she was mentally grateful that the area of the rooms was empty, she hurried to close the door but Charles' foot in the middle prevented her from doing so. She looked up slowly over the boy's leg until she reached his face, she snarled.

"Move”.

“No”.

"Charles, move” She pushed the door but with the boy's foot in the middle it didn't move too much. She looked at him angrily “Remove it or I'll destroy your foot”.

"We have to talk about what has happened, Bells" He looked at her pleadingly but she still didn't remove her expression from her face.

"There's nothing to talk about" She snarled, squeezing her grip on the doorknob "Everything has already become clear in there”.

The Monegasque bit his lower lip, this could not be happening. Only four hours ago they were lying in bed kissing until they were out of breath. He looked at her face, her precious face, and cursed himself for having fallen into her charms. Because of them, they were now on a thin line that threatened to break. He felt guilty, he was the one who had kissed her, he was the one who was looking for her, he had started everything.

On the other hand, he was angry, with Binotto, with him and right now with her. Why did she have such a hard time talking about things? Why did she run away at the first change? He thought that maybe it was because she was younger than him, after all, they were three years apart and she was only eighteen, she was a still a kid.

He sighed leaning his forehead on the door “Whether you like it or not, we have to talk”.

A silence formed between the two that was soon interrupted by the girl's sobs trying to escape through her throat, he heard her sip her nose.

"What do we have to talk about, Charles?" She no longer sounded angry but sad and hurt, her voice trembled "We can't be together, if we do we will lose our seats. Everything is against us”.

A puncture made a hole in the male driver’s chest “So that's it? Don't you want us to be together?”.

She opened the door and pushed him into the room, closed the door quickly. Unfortunately, now they couldn't risk anyone seeing them arguing or anything. Now they would have to think very carefully about what their interactions would be like both in public and in private, you never know because as her grandmother said "the walls have ears and eyes."

Charles dedicated himself to observing her, her green eyes were already injected with blood and her cheeks wet. Her nose was red. He felt even worse because he knew it was his fault.

"It's not that I don't want to be with you, it's that I can't!" She exclaimed frustrated. She was tired, she felt that all this was way big for her. Her anxiety didn't help the situation too much and that she had little experience in couple arguments wasn't very helpful either. She moved her hands in front of her showing her frustration, she didn't really know how to express her feelings or her thoughts “I can't risk everything I've achieved, everything I've suffered for”.

"And you think I haven't suffered?" He looked at her in disbelief "I have also suffered to get here. It took me a long time to get here, you know?”.

An ironic smile stuck on her lips as she snorted “You have grown up with money, with friends and a dick between your legs. I didn't. I hardly had any money to eat, the other children didn't want to be my friends and I was a girl. You don't know how difficult it is to be a girl in this world and much less in a sport in which there are only men. So yes, it may be that you have suffered, but I don't think you have suffered the same as I did”.

"I understand, but you can't run away just like that" He tried to touch her arm but she moved away, he licked his dry lips and frowned feeling rejected "What did Mattia mean by what happened in Twitter?".

He observed how the color went away from her skin and how her face deformed showing several emotions that he didn’t know how to decipher although he could differentiate the fear from the others before faking a look of indifference “I don't know”.

"Yes, you do" He raised his arm pointing to her face "You have it written all over your face, don't lie to me”.

"I'm not lying to you”.

"Then tell me!".

"There's nothing to tell".

Both began to raise their voices, one more fed up than the other of the conversation. It was clear that neither of them wanted to have that conversation but, unfortunately, you don't always have what you want.

Charles' face began to take the same color as the red that decorated some of the walls and objects of the room, a vein began to take shape on his forehead “Let me help you, Arabella! I'm here for you, it's not that hard, fuck!”.

"Maybe not for you, but for me it is!" She shouted back, her eyes getting redder and red as tears ran freely down her cheeks. She put a hand to her chest and pulled her shirt “I feel like I can't breathe every time I want to explain how I feel and you want me to let you help me because...don't you feel connected to me or something like that?! I'm sorry, okay?! I'm sorry I'm not like the other girls you've dated, I'm sorry I can't tell you at all times what I'm thinking or feeling!”.

Finally the silence was present between them, the only thing that could be heard was the girl's quick breathing and how the boy absorbed his nose from time to time. Both were with red eyes and soaked cheeks.

Finally she let out a sob breaking the silence, wiped her nose with the sleeve of her red sweatshirt and gave him a sad smile “I'm sorry, but I can't risk it”.

"Ma belle, I..." The angriness that ran through his body was still there but now Charles felt bad, bad because she was right.

She took a breath of air feeling an anxiety attack cover her body, squeezed her lips trying to swallow the sob that was on its way down her throat and looked at him with her eyes bathed in tears "Everything has gone very fast and look at us" She pointed between the two while shaking her head "Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. We should give ourselves some time”.

And with that she turned around and, again, she ran out of there, leaving Charles trying to pick up the pieces of his broken heart from the ground.

“ELVIRA, Elvira...” The tall man's gaze moved non-stop throughout the red garage, trying to find the black and smooth hair between the sea of red shirts.

He clicked his tongue rolling his hand in the bicep of his little girl's engineer, Alexander raised his neck to look at him curiously.

"Have you seen Elvira?" He asked urgently to which the eldest smiled broadly, kneeling his index finger in the chest of the tall one, he looked at his finger frowning before turning his gaze to the man.

"I knew that there was something between you two" He also clicked his tongue shaking his head while the blond looked at him as if a second head had come out on his shoulder.

He began to question whether that man was in a good mental state to be a Formula One engineer but he ignored it, it was not the time.

"Have you seen her yes or no?"

"Ah, yes, yes" He took off his glasses and wiped them clean with the edge of his red polo shirt before pointing in the opposite direction "I think I saw her go around there”.

He sighed a thank you before starting to jog in that direction. He felt a bad feeling on his chest, he knew that something was not right as soon as he left the office of the head of the team. Had he heard wrong or had Binotto threatened Arabella? Well, technically he had threatened both of them but while he was doing it, he could see his gaze on the girl more than on the monegasque.

He moved in the direction of the cafeteria, he lightened his step when he saw the black, long and smooth hair move on one side on the fabric of the red polo shirt that covered Elvira's back. He approached her exclaiming her name, making her stand in her place and turn to look at her.

"What did Mattia say?" She asked him once he was close to her. The publicist observed him worried because although she knew Arabella for a short time, she had taken affection for her and was worried about her.

He took her by the elbow and started pulling her “Come, we have to talk somewhere where they don't hear us”.

The woman's frown furrowed as she looked at the back of the blond's head, beginning to feel anguish in her chest “It was that bad?”

He pulled her until he found a small space between garages, they both got into the small "alley" hoping that there was no one nearby to listen to them.

"Nick, can you tell me what happened?!" Elvira was already hysterical, her coworker was getting on her nerves with so much secrecy.

He raised his hands trying to calm her down "Well, okay, okay" He put both hands on his hips and took a breath “I have the slight suspicion that Binotto has threatened Arabella”.

"What?" She looked at him strangely "What do you mean, has he threatened her?".

"He was scolding them over the photo that has gone viral but his gaze was on her all the time, it was as if Charles was not present. And in the end he said something like "it can't be repeated again" and, seriously, Elvi, he just looked at her!”

"But, it doesn't have to. Arabella hasn't done anything wrong”.

"Not everyone likes a woman in Formula One, Elvira. Mattia may be one of them”

"But he has been treating her well so far”.

"Maybe he was trying to be professional until he saw the opportunity" He sighed running his hand over his face showing his frustration.

Maybe they were taking things out of context but when there was as much money involved as there was in Formula One, neither of them was surprised that the situation was true.

Both remained silent, weighing the situation and the consequences it would bring with it if it were true.

The woman with pale skin like milk bit her lower lip “Do you think she has noticed?”.

"I know she did. Arabella is an observer, of course she has noticed” He nodded, turning his head to look for something to sit on. There were a couple of boxes so he took a few steps back and sat on top of them, he really needed to sit down. He felt that his blood pressure was raising.

"And what are you going to do?".

"For the moment, try not to get her into some scandal that involves Leclerc, keep an eye on Mattia and pray that these two years will pass quickly and without any problems”.

"And when her contract with Ferrari ends?".

"Last month Toto Wolff made it very clear that he is interested in Arabella, Zak and Christian are also looking to sign her" He denied with a smile on his face, but it was not a smile of joy but one of incredibleness.

"Horner? I don't think it's a good idea for her to go to Red Bull, not when they have Verstappen”.

He nodded in agreement with her “Yes, they would belittle her as they do with Pierre but if she goes to Mercedes they would do the same, they have the five-time champion as the leading driver”.

"Valtteri doesn't seem very unhappy" She crossed her arms resting his back on the wall.

"This sucks" He let out a sigh, throwing his head back "When she was in Formula Two, everything was much easier. I miss that”.

She looked at him with empathy “But now she is in Formula One. She is going to be a star, Nick”.

"But the stars fall from the sky and I don't want her to be hurt. You've already seen what they say about her on the internet, she's just a little girl!” Unintentionally, his head revived yesterday when his was in his hotel room watching a chinese romantic comedy and suddenly his phone seemed to explode from all the notifications he was receiving. He almost started to cry when he read the things people said about Arabella.

"She is a little girl who drives a car at three hundred kilometers per hour defying death every weekend. She is a little girl who has entered in Fotmula One, something that no little girl has been able to achieve for many years” She approached him looking at him with sadness because she knew it hurt. I knew that the girl was the closest thing he had to a daughter “You know she's not just a little girl”.

"But it's been so recently that her race suit was bigger than her" An expression of melancholy crossed his face as he remembered a little Arabella fighting with her race suit so that it didn't fall off her waist.

"I know that you've known her for many years and that you see her as a daughter and that's why it hurts you that all this is happening because you know that it also hurts her, but it's her dream, isn't it?" She looked at him expectantly and after a few seconds he nodded.

He began to play with his hands, a bead bracelet, clearly made by a little girl, peeked out of the sleeve of his left arm attracting the woman's attention. It was seen that it was old because the beads were white but with pieces of colors staining them indicating that they had lost the color and the rope on which it held itself seemed to be struggling for every second of it’s life.

She was able to appreciate the letters forming a 'Nicky ♡'.

"I have shed sweat, blood and tears for that girl since I met her ten years ago" He began to play with the bracelet, an act he did every time he was nervous "And I have never asked for anything in return, only that nothing ever happened to her but now there are fifty thousand people saying dirty shit about her on twitter, her boss seems to hate her and I don't know what to do. I always know what to do but not now” The air got stuck in his chest and his voice trembled becoming hoarse “And I can't ask her because she has trouble letting people help her, now I never know what she's thinking and I know that her anxiety is not helping. And I'm afraid because I'm the one who must protect her, her parents gave me that honor and now I can't do it”.

She stroked her arm to tell him that she was there for him, she felt a tear running down her cheek "You're doing well, Nick. Just... talk to her and make it clear that you are there for her.”

The man let out a little laugh “I wish it was so easy”.

“AND Arabella Torres crosses the finish line two minutes apart from Marcos Gómez!

From ear to ear, the smile of the eleven-year-old girl couldn't be bigger. From the podium she looked at the audience and smiled even more –if it was possible– when some hands showed up in front of her and extended the trophy. Her small hands took it between tremors, she analyzed it for a few seconds before lifting it over her head. She looked at her podium teammates waiting to see their smiles but it wasn't like that, both children looked at her seriously before looking at each other sharing a look of displeasure.

Suddenly her smile no longer reached her ears.

She lowered the trophy and after the photos she got off the podium, trying to find her parents. She pulled the brilliant trophy without much desire going to where they decided that she would meet with her family after finishing the race.

"I'm sick of her" The voice of the second winner of the day filled her ears, she frowned and hid behind a wall of one of the trailers.

Listening to other people's conversations is wrong, Arabella. Her mother would have said but she couldn't help it.

"I don't understand what she is doing here" Another voice joined him "She's a girl! This is not for girls”.

"My father said that they let her win because her family is very poor”.

"In addition to the fact that she is very annoying, I hate her. She gives me a headache just for listening to her”.

"She's not even good at driving”.

"She thinks she is a big deal for being the only girl but she'll never get to anything”.

Maybe she should have thought more about what her mother told him and not let curiosity win her over. Because as they say, curiosity killed the cat but this time it killed the heart of little Arabella.

A pout began to threaten to be present on her small lips, she released the trophy and turned around ready to run away but her body crashing into a larger one prevented her from doing so.

"I'm sorry" She murmured, passing her small hand formed in a fist through her eyes, trying to wipe away the tears.

"Don't worry" The man bent down to see her better, he extended a tissue to her "You're today's champion, right?".

She frowned slightly when she heard him speak in english and let out the smallest of sighs, it's not that she was bad at english but she still didn't speak it fluently and it was a little tedious for her to have to be speaking in another language being sad.

She looked up a little, enough to see the tissue in his hands and accepted it murmuring a "Thank you" before wiping her face, once she did she looked at the man.

"Sebastian Vettel" A gasp came out of her little lips when she realized that he was the Formula One driver. She couldn't believe it, it was Sebastian Vettel!

The german laughed "Yes, that's me. What's your name?”.

"Arabella" She said and he extended his hand to her, she looked at him curiously.

"Nice too met you, Arabella” Between his gigantic hand he took hers and waved them up and down "Now, can you tell me why you were crying? Are you lost? I can help you find your parents”.

"No, no, I know where they are" The tissue moved with every gesture that the little girl made and Vettel smiled again, the girl seemed adorable with her big green eyes and dressed in her little race suit.

He had always wanted to have a daughter, he was still very young but he was sure of it and even more so after seeing little Arabella.

"Well, then?".

He regretted asking because he quickly noticed that she was uncomfortable, he squeezed his lips in a thin line waiting for the girl to say something. He opened his mouth to talk because it seemed like she wasn't going to tell him anything but he shut up when she suddenly answered.

"The other children hate me for being a girl" She shrugged, looking down at the tissue in her hands, began to play with it while a sad smile stuck in her lips "It’s okay, not always people have to like me”.

A puncture made a hole in the blond driver's chest. How is it that a little girl of nine, ten or eleven years old –he wasn’t very sure about her age– could speak like that? He grimaced by responding to himself, probably because she was already used to being rejected.

He looked at her with sympathy “That's true, not everyone will always like you and that's why you don't care. You have to ignore what they tell you or think, the only important thing here is you”.

Arabella looked at him with bright eyes and admiration coming out of every pore of her body because one of her favorite Formula One drivers was there in front of her giving her some advice. A piece of advice that she would take very serious.

"Seb, Seb!" A blond boy with blue eyes shouted the german's name as he ran towards them. Arabella looked at him cautiously, she didn't want another boy to make fun of her, much less in front of the next Formula One champion.

The older blond turned as soon as he heard the boy's voice and could swear that if he had looked in front of a mirror he could have seen a light bulb light up above his head. He smiled at the boy when he finally arrived next to them.

"Seb, dad is looking for you" He said between accelerated breaths, swallowed saliva and looked up, colliding with that of the mysterious girl who was with her father's friend. He frowned.

"Yes, I'm coming" Even without erasing his smile, he placed a hand on the boy's shoulder and brought him closer to him "I want to introduce you to someone”.

"What are you doing?" He asked in german to what Sebastian looked at him badly.

"She's Arabella" He pointed to the girl, making him to look back at her. He observed her, she was a little taller than him and his green eyes attracted more attention than his blue ones. She was in a red and blue rice suit and a trophy was lying on the ground, not far from her, he deduced that she was the champion of the race. She sent him a smile to which he replied blushing, she was beautiful.

Sebastian's smile got bigger “He is Mick and I think you are going to be great friends”.

She hid her face between her arms and squeezed her grip on her knees more, bringing them even closer to her chest if that was possible. She let out several sobs, one stronger than the previous one, almost drowning with her own tears.

She cried for herself, for her family, for the boys and cried for Charles.

She had screwed up everything and she didn't know how she was going to fix it or if she could fix it.

She regretted everything and for a moment she wanted to go back to that moment when she decided to sit for the first time in that kart that was not for her and avoid it, if she had not touched it maybe now she would be in college and would be a normal girl with normal problems or maybe she would be unemployed struggling to find something to put in her mouth, she didn't know but at that moment anything seemed better than the present.

At what point had she stopped being in a hotel room living a honeymoon moment with Charles to have broke up with him, to have been threatened by her boss to fire her and be sexualized on twitter?.

"Oh, tyttö" Little girl. She heard someone's voice bringing her back to reality, she still didn't raise her head because her body had stopped working, she didn't feel anything. "What happened to you?".

She heard a few steps and then a presence near her, she felt like some hands made her raise her head, finding Kimi Räikönnen's cold blue eyes looking at her with some concern.

She couldn't answer, when she tried to speak her lips contracted in a pout and another sob ran away for them. The blond frowned, holding her head.

"You have to breathe, tyttö” He said but he didn't get an answer. The girl in front of him really looked like a corpse. He moved her head between his hands “Eh! Tyttö, are you listening to me? Breathe with me, c’mon”.

He began to do breathing exercises trying to get the girl to follow him, his heart jumped in his chest when she began to follow him. They stayed like that for about fifteen minutes until she stopped crying and was able to keep her head high on her own.

Once he separated from her, an uncomfortable silence embraced them. The eldest looked at her “Eh...Do you want to talk about it?”.

The girl shook her head and he felt a little relieved "How did you know what to do?".

"I'm a father, tyttö." He raised the bottle of water he had left on the floor as if he were toasting and drank from it "I know how to do everything”.

She let out a small smile at the finn's attitude and began to play shyly with the zipper of her jacket. The blond looked at her curiously.

"Is this for Binotto?" Arabella raised her head looking at him surprised.

"How...?"

"I'm friends with some of the engineers. I heard them talk about the twitter thing and Binotto scolding you and Leclerc”.

She let out a moan taking her gaze to her shoes “Great, so everyone knows”.

"You should not care, you shouldn’t give a fuck" Before the expression the girl laughed covering her knuckles with the sleeve of her jacket and passing the fabric over her cheeks to wipe the tears that silently continued to fall. The blond looked at her from above “You know what? I thought you were tough, I guess I was wrong”.

"Excuse me?" She looked at him somewhat offended.

"I thought you wouldn't care so much about what they'll say" Kimi was trying to get a reaction from her and Arabella, unconsciously, she knew it but still couldn't help but feel his words.

"Well, sometimes you can't take it anymore" She shrugged, looking away from him.

"I know you can do it, but you can't yet" He pointed out "The first day I saw you, I knew you were going to be big, you know? I knew you were going to change things, that you were going to make history" He drank from the bottle of water as if nothing had happened while Arabella looked up to him with her mouth open, was this really happening or had she become unconscious thanks to the anxiety attack?.

She wanted to laugh, the situation literally seemed surreal to her.

"You have a champion's face, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t mind them, do whatever you want. Win races, get on the podium and show everyone who you are. If they are going to hate you okay, but give them a reason to hate you: be the best” The finn spoke with passion and knew that it was because he had experienced hatred first hand. He had been in that world for many years, he had seen many friends suffer from the hatred of the public eye but none of them were like her. He knew it was different because she was a woman and very young. She had achieved what many men hadn’t been able to but, right now, before him she was only a scared little girl.

Maybe he wasn't aware of what he was saying to the girl, much less about how her skin had bristled or how something had "clicked" on her head thanks to his words. But he still continued “Make them get bored of seeing you win, I know you can do it but remember that after all not always people like you”

That phrase reminded her of an old friend.

A phone rang, causing him to separate his gaze from her. He looked for the device in his pockets and when he found it he looked at the screen. He raised his head to look at the girl, who was looking at a fixed point in front of her “I have to go. Will you be okay?”

At his question, she raised her head and Kimi could swear that there was something different in her gaze. She gave him a small smile of gratitude “Yes. Thank you, Mr. Räikkönen”.

"Call me Kimi, tyttö”.

And with that he turned around and left, leaving the girl alone again.

She licked his lips observing how the figure of the Alfa Romeo’s driver disappeared in the distance. She tested the salt of her tears on her lips and sighed before moving her hand down her leg, looking for her own phone. She took it out of the pocket and after unlocking it she went to the contact app, her eyes moved all over the screen in unison with her finger, looking for the right name. Once she did it, she pressed the call button.

She put the device in her ear and waited for it to sound “Hey, uhm. I miss you, do you think you can come to the next race?".

[bellaxgiornata]

Borrowed Time |1: Savior|

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Nurse!Fem!Reader Word Count: 2.8k [Series Masterlist]

Warnings/tags: 18+; heavy angst, hopeful but no happy ending, canon-typical violence, death

Summary: While walking home after your night shift at Metro-General Hospital, you meet the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen by chance when he saves you. Your brush with death leaves you contemplating the concept of fate and predetermined events, but Matt insists God wanted him to save you that night. Though you can't help but wonder if you really were just living on borrowed time...

a/n: So this mini series is what happens when I'm asked if I can write angst that doesn't have a happy ending (which I am admittedly struggling to stick to myself). The idea has been rolling around in my head for a couple of months and I'm now finally throwing it out there. Feedback is always appreciated!

Tag List: @1988-fiend @danzer8705

Resting your aching body against the wall, you stayed clear of the doors leading into Metro-General Hospital's emergency waiting area. The room was at its usual capacity for this time of night, most of the plastic chairs already filled with people who looked miserable for one reason or another. Over at the check-in counter you could hear the agitated voice of someone arguing with one of your coworkers, though you were far too tired to focus on what was being said.

From your place inside the hospital, you could already hear the approaching wail of another ambulance's siren, no doubt on its way to deliver someone else to the emergency room from yet another incident this evening. But at least for tonight, you were done worrying about what else was happening in Hell’s Kitchen.

Eyes heavy from the long and understaffed shift you'd just finished, your fingers sluggishly placed a single ear bud into your left ear–the same thing you did every night before you walked back to your apartment building. The unforgiving fluorescent lights above only continued to grow the pounding headache you'd had for over an hour now as your fingers put the small device in place, your other hand already searching inside of your bag for your phone. 

Despite working second shift and finishing up late at night, you always walked home from the hospital. Your apartment was only two blocks away, so paying for transportation seemed like a waste of your hard earned money, and waiting outside for a bus near midnight seemed like an unnecessary danger and a waste of time. 

Truthfully you hated the walk home at the end of every shift. The streets of Hell���s Kitchen were dangerous, there was no doubt about that. Working as an ER nurse certainly gave you enough insight into what things happened in the city once the sun went down. The pepper spray you carried on your keychain was only a mild comfort during your walks, because usually you were still always on edge. So generally, every night on your walk home, you preferred to pop a single ear bud into your ear and listen to some upbeat pop music in an attempt to distract yourself from your own rising levels of fear. You could still hear your surroundings, but listening to cheerful music certainly helped ease your anxiety, making every passing figure appear less like they were about to stab you and run off with your bag.

Pushing off the wall with a tired sigh, you made your way towards the exit. You searched your phone for your usual playlist as you approached the door, pushing it open with your shoulder as you focused on your phone screen. Stepping out onto the sidewalk and into the somewhat humid summer night, you were already hit with that usual sense of unease. The ambulance you’d been hearing finally came into view farther down the street just as you pressed play on your phone. The sound of a familiar song started in your ear, helping to drown out the shrill sound of the sirens.

Turning in the direction of your apartment building, you began your walk back home. As you went, you slipped a hand into your bag, feeling around the bottom of it for a minute. Eventually your fingers landed on your keyring and you pulled it out. Hand curling around the can of pepper spray attached to it, you clutched it close to the front of you, ready to use it if necessary.

Your sore, tired feet protested each step you took along the pavement as you made your way back home. The shoes you always wore to work were in serious need of replacement, the soles of them no longer padded and comfortable anymore, worn down from constant use shift after shift. There was already a blister forming on your little toe from today and you knew it was going to make your shift tomorrow incredibly uncomfortable.

A few minutes into your walk you eventually approached the corner of the block where you needed to turn. You spotted a man appearing around it, headed straight towards you. He was dressed in a dark sweatshirt with his hood pulled up over his head, something that seemed out of place in the heat of the summer night. The man's upturned hood also made it impossible to see his face and whether or not he was paying any attention to you in return. It didn't help that his hands were stuffed into the front pocket of his sweatshirt, making it difficult to tell if something else was stuffed inside of it or not. 

Fear shot through you the closer he neared, his face still obscured. Your fingers curled further around the pepper spray in your hand and you wondered if you'd need to use it. When he came within a few feet of you a moment later, you forced your eyes to stay focused ahead of you, though in your peripheral you kept an eye on him. You held your breath when you finally passed him, continuing to hold it a few seconds longer until you'd made your way around the corner. Glancing back over your shoulder, you were grateful to see the man hadn't turned back around to follow after you. Releasing the breath you'd still been holding, the tension eased from your body just a little. At least whatever he might've been up to tonight, he wasn't interested in you.

Attention returning ahead of yourself, you continued down the street all the way to the crosswalk at the opposite end. Fortunately the light was in your favor and you didn't have to wait on the sidewalk when you reached it, but just as you stepped out into the street to cross it, your can of pepper spray slipped out of your sweat-dampened hands and clattered down onto the street. With a groan you hurried forward into the road after it, wincing as your feet ached at your hurried steps. You'd barely managed to bend down and pluck the keyring from off the pavement before you noticed a bright light out of the corner of your eye. Turning your gaze towards it while still bent in half, it took your brain a few seconds to process that the bright light was a car's headlights–a car that was barreling straight towards you far too fast for the red light it was approaching.

Panic hit you fast and hard, the upbeat song playing in your ear seeming like it had abruptly faded into the background as adrenaline shot through your veins. Feeling as if time had suddenly slowed down, you began to stand upright, prepared to run out of the way of the oncoming car headed straight for you. Though by the time you'd righted yourself, you knew you'd never be able to move entirely out of the way in time. The car was far too close and moving incredibly fast.

You swallowed hard, bracing yourself for the inevitable impact as you attempted to lunge forward in what seemed a useless attempt to dart out of the car’s way. Heart slamming heavily into your ribcage, you found yourself yanked surprisingly and quite sharply backwards. A shriek flew out of your mouth as you stumbled back unexpectedly. In the street before you, the red car zoomed past where you'd been standing just a fraction of a second ago, a harsh wind brushing past you with it.

Breathing hard, you stood there frozen and wide-eyed staring at the space you'd just been standing in moments ago. That car had almost hit you. With how fast it was going, it'd have most likely killed you on impact. Yet somehow here you were still alive and breathing, feeling the buzz of adrenaline in your veins as your heart jack-hammered away in your chest.

It was a few seconds before you registered a pair of arms wrapped around your waist and something solid pressed to the back of you. Glancing down, you saw all black. Black gloves and black long sleeves covering thick forearms. Confused, your head darted up and over your shoulder only to come face to face with a black mask and a deep frown mere inches away from you. Your eyes widened even further the second you registered who it was that had clearly just saved your life. 

The masked man's face shifted down towards your own, his head tilting to the side. His lips twitched at the corners for a moment before he spoke. 

“Are you alright?” he asked.

His voice was lower than you expected it to be, the sound of it causing the hair on the back of your neck to prickle. His arms were still around your waist and it took you a moment to realize it was because he was practically holding you up. Your legs felt weak and useless beneath you as you slowly became aware of them once more.

“I–yeah,” you breathed out. 

Gradually the sensation in your legs came back to you and you carefully tried to shift your weight forward back onto your feet. The masked man loosened his hold around you, though he still kept his hands lightly resting on your waist as if he was ready to catch you if you fell. 

“Should be more careful,” he told you. “And you shouldn't be walking around alone this late at night in Hell’s Kitchen.”

Blinking hard a few times, you ran a hand across your forehead. Your mind was still reeling at almost having been hit by a car and miraculously being saved at the last second, yet here your savior was chastising you. 

“It's not exactly like I make a fortune at Metro-General,” you muttered, voice coming out with less bite than you'd intended. “Can't exactly afford transportation and I can't exactly control being placed on second shift.”

The man's head tilted curiously to the side again, almost as if he was analyzing you. Meanwhile you took the moment to try to calm your still racing heart as you took a shaky step back up onto the sidewalk, his hands leaving your waist as you moved.

“You're a…?”

“Nurse, yes,” you answered stiffly. “Believe me, I don't choose to walk around this late at night for the thrill of it. And it seems counterintuitive to walk a block in the opposite direction of my apartment building just to wait for a bus at a poorly lit bus stop for the length of time it would take me to walk home instead.”

The masked man's lips curled into something like an amused grin as he stepped up onto the sidewalk beside you. Your eyes narrowed back at him suspiciously, one hand resting on your chest over your still rapidly pounding heart.

“For someone clutching a can of pepper spray in a death grip, you sure have a lot of fire,” he mused. “Generally people are more grateful when I save their life.”

“Yeah, well, generally when I'm helping to save someone's life, I'm significantly less rude about it,” you retorted. 

His grin shifted into a full-on smile, one that was oddly disarming considering he'd just been scolding you. Feeling a little awkward for snapping at him, especially because he had just pulled you out of the way of certain death, you crossed your arms over your chest. 

“But thank you,” you continued. “You uh, you saved me. That car certainly would have hit me if you hadn't pulled me out of the way. I just…wasn't expecting the lecture that came with the rescue.”

He laughed lightly, nodding his head. Once more you eyed him suspiciously, not having expected his sudden shift in demeanor to something more friendly so quickly.

“Usually the people I'm rescuing aren't already walking around in a state of panic,” he said, gesturing a gloved hand towards your pepper spray. “Figured maybe you didn't fully understand the dangers of this city after dark. Besides the cars, I mean.”

“Believe me,” you assured him, “I'm well aware of the dangers. Working in the ER has shown me far more of this part of the city than I care to see sometimes.”

“Then how about I walk you back to your building?” he asked. “Just to make sure you get home safe?”

Your hands fidgeted with your keyring, nervously toying with a key as you contemplated his offer. Was it safe enough to trust him? Especially to lead him back to your building where you lived? 

Of course you'd read about the masked man in the paper a few times by now–The Devil of Hell’s Kitchen they'd taken to calling him lately. You'd also seen a few of his victims firsthand enter your hospital in quite poor shape on more than one occasion. But he always seemed to help those in need, never brutally beating an innocent person. And never killing anyone, either. 

Plus, he had just saved your life.

As he shifted on the sidewalk during your contemplative silence, the streetlight above caught his dark pants at a different angle. Your eyes dropped down, noticing the cut along the outside of his thigh. There was a slash a few inches deep down the side of his leg that had torn through his pants. You winced at the sight, raising a hand and pointing a finger at the injury.

“Maybe I should walk you back to the hospital,” you offered. “That gash looks like it could use stitches.”

The vigilante shook his head, waving a gloved hand at you. You immediately frowned at the gesture as you glanced back up at his masked face. 

“Nah,” he replied. “I don't do hospitals. I'll just clean it and stitch it myself later. I’ll be fine.”

Your mouth fell open instantly as you stared at him in utter disbelief. Was he serious?

“So what, you're just going to continue walking around like that the rest of the night?” you asked him. “Aggravating the injury and risking infection?”

“I'll be fine,” he repeated. “Now, would you like me to escort you back home, or would you prefer to continue clutching that little can of pepper spray for protection instead?”

Standing there for a moment, you stared at him in bewilderment. Who the hell was this guy? Avoiding medical attention and pulling strangers out of the way of speeding cars just in the nick of time? How had he even been close enough to stop that car from hitting you? And then here he was having the audacity to joke with you after the fact?

Eventually your eyes dropped back down to the gash in his leg, bright red blood glistening along his dark pants in the streetlight. Maybe it was the nurse in you or maybe it was because he had just saved your life, but you found yourself speaking before you could think through what you were saying. 

“You can walk me back to my place and let me tend to that gash,” you told him. “Because you'd be an absolute idiot to keep walking around with an open, bleeding wound.”

The Devil smiled wide beneath his black mask at your response. You couldn't deny that he had a nice smile, whoever the hell he was.

“Bossy,” he teased. “That was certainly unexpected. I suppose that'll just make for an interesting walk to your place then.”

You rolled your eyes at him before gesturing him to follow after you with a hand. “Come on, Spirit Halloween,” you ordered. “My place is just a block further this way. And you better not pass out from blood loss on the way,” you warned him, beginning to cross the street and continuing to make your way back towards your building. “Because I can guarantee I am too damn tired to carry your ass anywhere.”

Behind you, the Devil rumbled out a laugh. Biting your lip, you tried to fight back a smile at the pleasant sound. He certainly didn't seem like much of a threat to you at least.

“Spirit Halloween?” he asked, amused.

“Yeah,” you replied off-handedly as you double-checked for speeding cars while you made your way across the street. “Because you look like a knock-off version of a child’s Halloween ninja costume dressed like that.”

Slipping your pepper spray back into your bag, you heard the masked man let out another surprised, warm laugh. The smile slipped onto your face at the sound this time and you were glad he couldn’t see it. Though you knew if it wasn’t for this curious stranger now following you home, you'd surely have been dead minutes ago. It was almost as if you'd been given a second chance because of him, and you figured the least you could do now was repay his kindness with some of your own.

[a-not-so-clean-blog]

Nu carnival dealing with a transphobic family friend/ customer (ftm reader)

Warnings: transphobia. Spicy♦️ for Morvay.

Scene:

Your boyfriend decides to visit you at your job because he misses you and doesn't get to see you enough. Just a little visit to see how you're doing. He comes in and takes a seat in the corner of the cafe to wait for you to come over when you get a free minute. What he didn't expect to see was what looked like a family friend to be harassing you and actively misgendering you. Not to mention the invasive questions she has the gall to ask you…

Yakumo

Do you not hear the awful things this person is calling you? Girl? She? WIFE!? No no no, why aren't you correcting her? No sooner does the question run through his mind does he notice the tired and worn down look on your face. Like you've been through this a thousand times before and you're just waiting for it to be over again.

Anxiety be damned, he approaches the table as confidently as he could. Back straight but his fingers were laced together.

“Excuse me, you're making him uncomfortable.” His voice was quiet yet firm.

“Oh sweetie, no it's fine I know her mother.” She tried to wave him off, totally dismissing his presence.

“You're being rude. You should apologize to him.” They go back and forth like this for a minute before he gets really upset. So he turns his back to her and faces you directly. “I love you so much and you deserve so much better. When you're done working I'm going to make your favorite meal and we will cuddle until you feel better, okay?” His words are soft and caring. You know he wants nothing more than to take you out of this situation but knows he can't make a scene at your job.

When you get home he will do everything he can to remind you how masculine and perfect you are to him. He feels regret and wishes he could have done more in the moment, but also didn't want to get you in trouble at work or with your family.

Edmond

It takes him a moment to figure out what he's going to say. He is still cautious about having people know he is in a relationship with you, just for security reasons. So he can't just say “stop calling my boyfriend a girl.”. Ultimately he marches up to the table, stares the woman down, and in no uncertain terms tells her that her behavior is unacceptable.

“He has corrected you twice and you are actively disrespecting him by ignoring his claims.”

“If someone as bigoted as you frequents this establishment I can't imagine how much longer this shop will last.” As if on cue your manager rushes out to see what the fuss is about. Having an incident with the leader of the guards would be terrible for the cafe's reputation. After Edmond explained what happened your manager sided with him and basically gave her an ultimatum.

“Respect my employees or get out.”

She tried for a minute to get other patrons of the store to side with her but anybody who looked at the situation and saw Edmund standing there with his arms crossed knew better than to get involved. Unfortunately, instead of apologizing she simply left the store muttering curse words under her breath.

Olivine

He is probably the most polite of everyone here. He will ask the table if he can sit with them (of course they say yes because who's going to say no to Father Olivine). His heart breaks when he hears her nonsense tangent about “The great God of Klein made such a beautiful girl but she's wasting it by dressing like a man.”

It's so satisfying watching Olivine preach about how the God of Klein values individuals and makes their hearts perfect. “If his heart is a man's, then who are we to deny the great God of Klein’s judgment?” Everything she says to justify her transphobia he politely and lovingly shuts her down. “Those kinds of ideas are corrupting. Please, I think you should visit the temple and reflect on your own judgments.”

It's amazing watching her excuses be chipped away by someone who genuinely wants the best for people.

Quincy

He probably won't be quick to swoop in and “save you”. Honestly, he just wanted to hang out in your cafe while you worked. But now his day is ruined because somebody is upsetting his boyfriend, and clearly not respecting you no matter how many times you tried correcting them.

He quietly walks up behind you, his large frame casting a shadow over both you and the woman.

“See. That's what a real man looks like. Sweetie you could never compare so stop pretending.” The sickly sweet tone in her voice, the false compassion and pity left a bitter taste in his mouth.

He puts his hand on your shoulder and squeezes harder than intended. “This is what a real man looks like.” His voice was colder than any tone he's ever used around you before. You could feel the chill in your veins despite not being on the receiving end. You could see she was feeling the same effect you were, but much worse.

She stuttered as she tried to defend her transphobic views. Quincy stayed eerily silent until she was done spewing her bull shit. She took his silence as acceptance and by the end of her justification she gained a shit eating grin.

“If I ever hear you say that nonsense again I'm going to feed you to the bears in the wood territory.” Her face went pale as she realized he was not joking. Slowly she nodded her head, not wanting to make any sudden movements. Topper squeaked angrily at her and without another word Quincy returned to his seat. You could feel the warmth of his hand lingering on your shoulder even after he walked away, and the woman kept sneaking glances at him throughout her visit just to make sure he hadn't gotten up to do anything.

You know he didn't mean that threat seriously…right?

Kuya

He spent the better part of an hour watching you work before this family friend came in, just enjoying people watching and keeping an eye on you. That was until this family ‘friend’ came and started talking to you. Sitting just far enough away to make it difficult to hear what she was saying. Difficult, but he could still hear the pointed ‘she’s and ’her’s she spat. He didn't really care at first, not until he noticed you getting visibly uncomfortable. Normally he takes great pleasure in watching you squirm but this was different. This made him fume in a way he didn't know he could feel. Now isn't the time to think of his own feelings though, now was the time to make them stop.

He called you away from her table and asked you to make him something really quick. Probably something simple like a sandwich, but something that'll take you just enough time to get back so he can work. The moment you are out of the main dining area and in the kitchen he gets up and gingerly sits across the table from the surprised woman.

“I have something I think you should know~” He said in his normal sing-songy voice, curling his finger so she'll lean over the table for him. Slowly and clearly he whispers something in her ear, making sure she understood every word before leaning back in his seat to marvel at the appalled and horrified look on her face.

By the time you came back only a minute later she was gone and Kuya was back lazing in his seat, a sly smile on his face.

Blade

Sweet boy doesn't understand what the person is saying is malicious. It just turns into a back and forth of “darling is a boy” and “no she's a girl.” with both sides escalating until your manager skurries over to make them stop. When she stands up aggressively Blade almost goes into full protection mode.

You and your manager shift your focus from her to him. Blade doesn't stand down until you are holding him back and your manager kicking her out of the store.

When he comes back to his senses all he sees is you hugging him and he is happy as a clam. He doesn't even realize he almost went on a murder spree. Your manager is very tired and lets you go home early with Blade, just so he doesn't have to worry about Blade making another scene.

Garu

He hears everything that she's saying to you. Every nasty use of the wrong pronouns just made his fur prickle. His first instinct is to approach and get between you two but you've scolded him before about getting in the way of your job. His ears are pinned back against his head as he stares at the two of you.

He was patient enough to wait for you to be done taking her order. As soon as you leave her table he calls you over. “Are you okay? Why didn't you say anything? Do you need help?” His bombardment of questions hit you like a flood. His eyes were wide as he stared at you, practically staring into your soul. As you two were standing so close he could clearly smell the anxiety wafting off of you. He wanted to get rid of that smell, wanted the woman who caused it to go away, he just wanted to see you smile.

“It's okay Garu. She'll leave soon and I'll be fine.” You gave him a soft smile. His kindness always tugged at your heart.

“But she's upsetting my boyfriend!” He raised his voice a little as he was getting upset again. Not to the point of yelling but definitely to the point where she could hear you. It wasn't intentional but her face went red anyway. You gave him a quick kiss before thanking him and returning to your work.

She didn't bother you the rest of the time.

Karu

If you don't try to correct her misgendering you he will be confused but can wait to ask you about it later. However when you correct her and she blatantly starts calling you a girl more. He's on his feet ready to bite at a moment's notice.

“Shut up you hag. He told you he's a boy so now you're just being dumb!”

“Who are you calling dumb you little freak!?”

It does not take long for a full fledged brawl to break out between the two of them. You grab Karu by the arms and try your best to pull them off while other onlookers jump in and try to pull the woman away. Once the two are separated profanities are the only thing you can hear being screamed across the room. Both of them are kicked out of the cafe but she needs stitches and Karu successfully “defended your honor” so at least he's satisfied. You are put on clean up duty for the mess your boyfriend made, but secretly it did make you happy knowing just how far he'll go to make you feel seen.

Dante

Her face lit up when she saw Dante staring at you. Dante, the perfect specimen of a man. Smart, strong, handsome, and most importantly powerful. “Oh! Sun lord, don't you think she would make such a good wife!” She points at you, you are clearly upset and uncomfortable and it makes his blood boil.

“Absolutely not.” Her expression immediately fell at his words but she gained a wicked smile when she thought of a response.

“Oh dear, it's because she's so masculine. I keep telling her it's really unattractive and she won't ever find a good-” Dante's hot glare was enough to shut her up for a moment. The way he straightened his back and lifted his chin just to further look down on her gave you goosebumps.

“Let me be clear on one thing. He would make an awful wife, but is an exceptional boyfriend.” The woman was immediately shot down and put in her place. You're relatives that were sitting at the table awkwardly look away like they don't know anyone in this building. It's hard to tell what felt better, the butterflies in your stomach or the sweet taste of justice.

Rei

It's very simple actually. The solution to this problem is to buy a cup of coffee, go over to the table, and dump the hot coffee on the a-hole who insisted on misgendering you.

“Oops I didn't see you there. I must be as blind as you are.” And the entire time he maintained eye contact with her just daring her to say something. She, of course, starts screaming and throwing a tantrum. A string of “how dare you!” and “don't you know who I am!” came out with her shrill screeching.

He just shrugged and replied “I don't care who you are but anyone who disrespects my boyfriend like that means nothing to me. Frankly you're worse than scum and should be disgusted with yourself, but I know your type has no self awareness anyway.”

Eiden

He knows her type, he's dealt with them plenty of times in his world. He hates how she is talking about you, misgendering you and acting like you aren't even there. He's getting mad but he knows better than to make a scene in front of your family. So the next best thing to do is correct her.

He walks up beside you and puts an arm over your shoulder casually. “Oh? There's a pretty girl around here, where?”

She rolls her eyes when she looks at him. “You're leaning on her.”

Eiden looks to you then back to her, his eyes wide in fake bewilderment. “Ma'am are you feeling well? This is my boyfriend. He's very handsome, but pretty is not a word I would use to describe him.”

“Well she was born a girl so she's a girl.”

“Ah, so that explains why you're such a big baby!”

It's hard to hold back your laughter as her face turned bright red. For every other stupid transphobic comment she tried to make Eiden had a witty comment ready to shut her up.

“Well, gender is what's in her pants.”

“I was in his pants last night, so I guess I'm his gender.” Now your face went bright red as you lightly punched him in the arm which only made him laugh. His laugh was contagious, and the look on her face was satisfying.

Even the red hot glare she shot at you after a bit of your laugh slipped out didn't bother you anymore because Eiden was waiting to make her look a fool if she even tried to say something else about you.

Aster

He's not normally one to make a big scene so he doesn't move to confront her until after you've gone back to the kitchen to place her tables order.

“Hi, I couldn't help but notice your super cute top! That’s a Devilicious brand shirt right?”

Her face brightened when someone recognized her expensive brand of clothes. “Yes it is! I shop there all the time.” She bragged.

“What shop do you go to?”

“The one in water territory is my favorite, it has the best shirts but not as many shoes.”

“Hmmm good to know. I'm their supplier so I'm going to have them ban you from the store. I don't need bigots tarnishing my brand's name.” The way her face fell from pompous to petrified made Asters chest fill with pride. She scrambled to try and defend herself.

“What do you mean bigot?! I'm a good person.”

“Weren't you just calling that man a girl? He even corrected you.”

“No, no, you don't understand. I know her family and she is a girl.” When you came out you could see the sweat on her brow.

“Well he's my boyfriend and I don't care what his family lets you get away with calling him. Enjoy getting your Devilicious second hand.” He laughed as he walked past you and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek. “See you at home treasure.” And he was gone, leaving her in her booth on the verge of a crisis.

“What did I miss?”

Morvay

Oh he can feel his blood boiling every time she insults you like that. Not to mention nobody else at the table is even trying to defend you! Unacceptable.

He comes up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, and buries his face into your neck. He's practically spooning you while standing up. “Mmmm when is my husband going to give me the attention I need?” he whines into your ear.

“Babe I'm done in an hour, please be patient.” Embarrassed, you try to wiggle out of his grasp but he doesn't budge. Instead he nudges his head deeper into your neck. You almost squeak when his lips brush against your soft spot.

“But I don't want to wait that long to suck your dick!” He loudly whines so the whole restaurant can hear. The sound that followed was defining. You firmly ushered him back to his table, begging him to behave until you aren't in public. He sighs wistfully but agrees.

His plan worked though. Anytime the jerk tried to misgender you the entire store of eavesdroppers gave her a collective confused look and she was socially forced to correct herself. No matter what she would try to say people are going to believe Morvays very personal claim over hers.

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Lunar's mental health. An update.

TW: bad mental health, EDs, depression, s/h, personal stuff, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, vent, self hate, heavy topics.

Sorry I haven't been posting!!

An update on me.

...Hi, you might know me as Lunar, or, TheLunarSystemWrites! I'm just an artist on here, trying to do things I like.... right?

Well, unfortunately, real life doesn't really... care. It doesn't care if I have friends to talk to, art to make, things I like to do.

I've been exhausted, physically and mentally. I've been busy working a lot in our home. (Painting, building, packing, inside work, cooking, etc) and it's always stressful... we're starting to get a little tight on money.

I've spent majority of my time in my bed. I don't wanna face my family members, so I've hidden away. It's hard to get up every day, and try to find the will to take care of myself.

I also recently relapsed with Bulimia, a disorder that, essentially means I throw up whatever I eat. I've been purging since September 16th, 2022. But I had awhile where I only purged once a day or none, but I'm back at it with full force. So my body doesn't have any energy left. I've also now lost my periods do to it.

I don't sleep well. It's much easier to stay up all night than waste my only free time sleeping. So I have no energy from sleeping well unless I sleep a whole day away, which makes me groggy.

Self harm is also something bothering me too, I'm too tired to do it and yet I keep doing it. Wasting precious spoons on it, I literally can't be clean for a whole year this year, that dream is dead. But, I am a few days clean as I type!

Suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been.... pesky. But I can't just leave my friends, plus I have prizes to make.

But, I'm unmotivated. I can't seem to write or draw anything. All my art is looking... regressed, to me. Everything is repetitive.

I've hated myself now more than ever in my life, I'm in a pretty bad place and I hate how self aware I am.

SPEAKING of regression! I have like, regression block. My brain isn't working with me, isn't regressing unless Involuntary. So my main coping mechanism is.... out of order.

I've been angry at the world, really pissy and moody. Tired, hungry, sad, then happy but not much. Numbness is a huge factor, I'm feeling depressed.

Not to mention, there's drama everywhere I look. This creator gets bullied, that one turns out to be disgusting. People get doxxed over opinions... it's constantly anxiety that I'll be wrongly accused, ridiculed, or abandoned. It's terrifying that people will go at each other's throats. It's exhausting to deal with it and be dragged into drama with problematic people.

Every day has been the same for me for the past 3 years. I'm tired, bored, understimulation controls me.

My friends are my lifeline right now.

I feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time, unsatisfied with my art, everything is essentially falling apart in my life.

Depression, anxiety... not a good mix to wake up disoriented and anxious, then gave zero spoons throughout the day. I'm not in a good home situation right now.

So... I kinda just... haven't been posting, role-playing, answering DMs, answering asks, etc...

I'm burnt out.

I feel like I'm a walking corpse.

Useless even.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely have the energy to talk to friends, every little bad things sets me back. I just can't bring myself to really engage much anymore.

So... sorry. I'm sorry, if I wasted your time. Or if this isn't like what you wanted to hear. I'm just not okay anymore, April was the last good month I had this year. APRIL.

I just wanted to update you all, there's a lot of other stuff I didn't share because it's nit important. I swear I'll get to the prizes eventually, I just ain't up to it right now. Might not be for awhile, apologies in advance!!

Hope you guys can understand, I might or might not be back to doing art, who knows. But I'll definitely get things done before that if I ever stopped. It just doesn't bring me joy, I used to hope I'd make an AU people cares about, and I've barely achieved that ^^"

Hope you're all well!! Stay safe, take care!! Remember to hydrate and to try eating if you can, you're spectacular!!!

Daily clicks!! ^^

Previous pinned post.

[glittergelpensblog]

Shadow and Song (Azriel x Reader) Part Three

Azriel x Reader

You and your sisters ready yourselves for the visit from the Mortal Queens, and the possibility of war.

Word Count: 2,707

You sighed, fingers slowing hovering over the piano, attempting to find a good note to start on. You had been at the instrument for a good twenty minutes, attempting to get some form of peace of mind, away from the bickering between Cassian and Nesta in the other room.

You were wasting your time.

You weren't able to play, weren't able to think. And you were exhausted. Nightmares plagued your sleep last night, visions of battlefields and cruel Fae. After the first dream of Feyre being slaughtered, head cut clean from her body, you tossed and turned for the rest of the night, refusing to close your eyes, scared to see the blood dripping from her neck, the lifeless eyes as her head rolled on the ground.

War, war, war. It had plagued your mind, unable to think of anything else. What would happen if the Queens wouldn't give their half of the book, if they had to fight. What would happen to them, of Feyre?

It made you sick, unable to eat the pastries laid across the table for breakfast. Rather, you drank your tea, the caffeine fueling your anxiety as Nesta picked fights with Cassian, the latter eager to push her buttons. It had become all too much, muttering a quick "excuse me" before speeding out of the room.

You struck a chord, deep and powerful on the piano, before groaning and slamming the cover shut. It was wrong, all of it was wrong.

"Are you alright?"

Azriel's voice, although quiet and calm, startled you, causing you to jump up from your chair. You turned to face him, and smoothed out your dress, a deep midnight blue.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, no, it's fine-- I'm fine." You muttered.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright, you left the table rather... abruptly." His hazel eyes stared at you, melting pools of honey meeting your own.

Are you alright? It was the first time someone had asked you that in over a year.

"Just too tired to hear Nesta arguing at eight in the morning." You dismissed with a tight lipped smile that didn't reach your eyes, that hadn't reached them in a long time, not since Feyre left.

Azriel stared at you, the Spymaster, Rhysand had called him last night, as if he expected you to say more, as if he knew there was something else bothering you.

And he did, although not to your knowledge. He had heard your panting in the middle of the night as you woke from your nightmare, heard your pacing in your bedroom, heard the ruffle of your duvet as you tossed and turned. He had even sent his shadows out to do a quick assessment of the manor, ensuring that there was no intruder. There wasn't, the shadows confirmed, only reporting you awake down the hall.

He stood for a moment, and took note of your body language, your tapping foot, hands fiddling with the white ribbon that held your hair into a braid. And he wondered if you were scared of him.

No, there was more behind it. He could smell it, fear, yes, but it was almost undetectable under the scent of anxiety.

"I understand that it all can be... overwhelming, the change in Feyre, having Fae in your home."

"It's not that," You sighed, and there was a long pause before you spoke your next words. "I know that Feyre wouldn't put us in harms way. I'm more worried of the Queens, the war... what will happen if they don't give you this-- book you speak of."

"You know that we would protect you, no harm would come to you and your sisters."

"It's not just us," You paused, "There are others here, other's that won't be protected like we will. We have good people here. And there are those who will fight, they will die as well."

Azriel was silent as he struggled to find his next words, struggled to find the right way to tell you that he would do anything to prevent the war, to spare you from the pain of it. How would he tell you that there was in instinct, deep in his bones, screaming at him to do anything, kill anyone, to keep you safe.

How would he tell you that without revealing his suspicions of what you were from the moment he laid his eyes on you?

"There you are." Rhysand's soft voice purred from the doorway of the room. "I see you've escaped the loveliness of tea with Cassian and Nesta."

______________________________________________________________

It had been weeks since you and your sister's mailed the letter to the Queens, with Rhysand and Feyre trailing behind, glamoured to be invisible to the people of your village, weeks, still with no response.

There had been many additional letters sent after the first as well, Rhysand often sending Azriel to the manor, letter pressed into your hand before he was gone without another word. You had mailed them, trekking through the snowy village after each visit, the cold biting into your bones.

But as the weeks passed, the ice began to thaw and winter turned to spring. Still with no response, it seemed that war was something that could not be avoided.

You focused on your books, having learned to read shortly after your family was brought back to wealth. Assigning you a tutor was one of the first tasks Nesta had accomplished after the move into the manor, important for an "eligible lady" to be educated she said.

You were a quick learner, however, and lost the need for a tutor about six months later. When you weren't playing your piano you were studying, reading anything between languages and literature, stealing some of Nesta's romance novels from time to time.

But lately all you had been reading was history, specifically about the War from 500 years ago. You read of the most of the battles, the alliances, the losses.

The battle illustrations on the pages did nothing to ease your nightmares.

______________________________________________________________

You shifted your weight uncomfortably in the formal living room, staring down at your periwinkle slippers, perfectly matching your gown detailed with beads and lace. Only the finest gowns to meet the Queens.

The room was in silence, a roaring, uncomfortable, unbearable silence.

Feyre, Rhysand, and his cousin, Morrigan stood expectedly near the fireplace, Azriel and Cassian guarding the back wall behind you, Nesta, and Elain.

You furrowed your eyebrows together, worry taking over your features. It was almost eleven, and the Queen's weren't here. What if they didn't come at all?

You had spent the entire day prior mapping out the house for them with Azriel, giving them the exact geographical location of the home. You mapped out the size and layout of each room, where each piece of furniture stood, where the windows and doors were. You wouldn't have been surprised if they had asked where each painting hung on the walls. Would they have made you go through all that trouble to not bother to show?

You shot a worried glance behind you to Azriel, who held your gaze, a calm look on his face, as if he was silently telling you that it would be alright.

The chiming of the clock sounded deafening against the silence of the room.

Wind brushed through the room, like a cool, gentle breeze from late autumn. And before you five figures appeared, and ten guards along with them.

You willed you face into stone as you stared before you, trying your best not to reveal your rapid breathing, the thrumming of your heart against your ribs, as the Queen's winnowed in.

They were all of different age, skin color, and hight. There were two middle aged queens, dressed as opposites, one in black and the other white. There were two younger queens, one looking to be the same age as Nesta, with black hair and black eyes, a cutting cool to Nesta's flames. The eldest of them had sharp and cold eyes, wrinkles pressing deep into her brown skin. And last there was the most beautiful of them all, with golden hair, golden eyes, and golden freckles.

It was she who spoke first, and you were unable to register her words in your shock.

"Well met," Rhysand stated, not moving an inch.

The guards inspected everyone carefully before splitting into position around the room. Nesta gently nudged you back as they flanked the room, and you slinked into the wall beside Azriel, Nesta and Elain on your other side.

Rhys stepped forward and the Queens silently gasped, their guards bracing themselves, hands reaching for their swords. You shrinked further into the wall, arm brushing against Azriel's.

You didn't dare look up at him.

"We are grateful you accepted our invitation." Rhys bowed slightly. "Where is the sixth?"

"She is unwell, and could not make the journey." The ancient queen spoke uncaringly, her eyes shifted to Feyre. "You are the emissary."

Feyre stood up straighter, held her chin up. "Yes, I am Feyre."

The queen merely dismissed her, looking back to Rhysand. "And you are the High Lord who wrote such an interesting letter after your first few were dispatched."

You looked back down at your shoes.

"I am," Rhysand replied. "And this is my cousin, Morrigan."

Morrigan, or Mor, she told you to call her earlier, was beautiful in every way, a strong, true beauty. Her red gown matched the paint on her lips, and her soft brown eyes were lined with kohl. Her golden hair fell into ringlets down her back, and she moved with grace as she walked closer to the queens and bowed.

"It has been a long time since I met with a mortal queen."

How long did it take for Fae to consider time long?

"Morrigan--the Morrigan from the War." The queen spoke, her voice a mix of awe and fear.

That long.

Mor bowed again. "Please, sit." And the Queens obeyed.

The beautiful queen sent a cutting look to you and your sisters. "I assume those are our hosts."

The attention of the room shifted to you, and you stood still, silent, hoping that your fear wasn't written all over your face. Nesta did the same as Elain curtseyed.

"My sisters," Feyre spoke.

The queen's eyes cut back into her sharply. "An emissary wears a golden crown. Is that a tradition in Prythian?"

"No," Rhysand purred, "but she certainly looks good enough in one that I can't resist."

The golden queen ignored him. "A human turned into a High Fae... and who is now standing beside a High Lord at the place of honor. Interesting."

As if it was Feyre's choice.

The eldest was the next to speak, " You have an hour of our time. Make it count."

"How is it that you can winnow?" Mor asked.

The golden queen smirked. "It is our secret, and a gift from your kind."

There was a moment of silence before Feyre spoke again, "War is coming. We called you here to warn you-- and to beg a boon."

You flexed your fingers and took a deep breath. It was coming, no longer a threat, no longer something that could be evaded.

"We know war is coming." The eldest stated. "We've been preparing for many years."

We knew it was coming.

The words rang in your ears. It certainly didn't seem like that. The biggest preparation for war you had seen was Lord Grayson's hunting of Faeries, the walls built around his home.

Feyre spoke your thoughts. "The humans in this territory seem unaware of a larger threat. We've seen no signs of preparation."

"This territory," The golden queen's voice was ice, "is a slip of land compared to the vastness of the continent. It is not in our interests to defend it. It would be a waste of our resources."

You couldn't breathe.

"Surely the loss of even one innocent life would be abhorrent." Rhysand questioned.

"Yes." The eldest queen croned. "To lose one life is always a horror. But war is war. If we must sacrifice this tiny territory to save the majority, then we shall do it."

You felt like you were going to vomit. You felt Azriel's eyes on you, but you were too frozen to look up at him, too scared to move.

A sacrifice. You and your sisters, and your servants, and anyone on this land were just a sacrifice to them.

"There are good people here." Feyre rasped.

"Then let the High Fae of Prythian defend them." The golden queen mocked.

You felt Nesta shaking beside you, burning hot anger radiating from her body. "We have servants here. With families. There are children in these lands. And you mean to leave us all in the hands of the Fae?"

The eldest queen looked at the three of us, face filled with what seemed to be sympathy, or guilt. "It is no easy choice, girl--"

"It is the choice of cowards," Nesta sneered.

"For all that your kind hates ours," Feyre interrupted, "You'd leave the Fae to defend your people?"

"Shouldn't they?" The golden one asked, tilting her head. "Shouldn't they defend against a threat of their own making? Should Fae blood not be spilled for their crimes over the years?"

"Neither side is innocent," Rhys spoke calmly, "But we might protect those who are. Together."

You were breathing heavily, shallow, short breaths, the conversation in the room drowning out from your ears.

Together. Together, Rhys had hoped, had pleaded with the Queens. The queens who knew of war for years, did nothing to prepare your lands, to evacuate the innocent people who lived there.

And now it was too late, too late to evacuate, too late to escape. They had left you here to die.

Prythian, Rhysand said the first night you had met him. "If you ever visited Prythian," Would that be your only option to escape death, to possibly meet it in another land? One in which you were completely defenseless? A land in which some Fae would take pleasure in hunting you down? And what of Nesta? And Elain? You couldn't leave without them. You had already lost Feyre.

You had never gotten along with your two older sisters well, when there was nothing but anger, and pain, and sorrow locked away in that cabin. It was empty, and cold, and though you and your sisters never said it aloud, it was hopeless, so hopeless. You knew, knew that you were all going to rot in that cabin.

The hopelessness had filled almost every part of your being, had almost consumed you whole. The only thing that had kept it from eating you alive was Feyre at the end of the day, asking you to play a song for her. The gentle smile that would lay upon her face when you would bring her home charcoal, or paints, bought with any money you could spare from work.

And you knew that for Nesta, it was anger. Deep, overwhelming rage that devoured her entire being. Pure spite was what kept her alive. And Elain to her was what Feyre was to you. The light through the flames. The small shred of hope in the darkness.

Yes, Nesta still burned, but you two had a quiet understanding, you knew why the fire had burned. It kept her alive, kept her human.

You couldn't hate her for that.

And Elain wasn't ignorant to the pain around her, but she was ignorant to her circumstances. And it had aggravated you to no end. But after Feyre left you understood. Elain was in her own world, escaping the sorrow around her, something you wished you had the ability to do for the past year.

And after Feyre left, since your father's fortune was found, the three of you had a new understanding of each other, a new love for one another. It was a quiet love, and was never spoken of. The love that was felt when you read in the garden while Elain tended to the flowers, was felt when you would play the piano, Nesta silently reading her book on the sofa behind you. The love only a sister could understand.

No, you could not leave them behind. You would stay if that was what they wished to do, and if it came to it, you would die with them as well.

______________________________________________________________

Tag list: @lizziesfirstwife @waytoomanyteenagefeels @starryhiraeth @knmendiola @bionic-donut @caosfanblr @lena-davina @starriestarlight @younxii @starsdoulikedem @lucyysthings @esposadomd @naturakaashi @carolinaflicker @missusbarnes-rogers @vlysseve @lollipop974 @whydohumansss @spaxxxi @graciereads @dumb-sailor-jay @jesssicapaniagua @we-were-beautiful @judig92 @littlemisslovestoread @toriluvsfics @nightless @cassiefromhell @in-luvais @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @poshestpigeon @alainabooks143 @princesslolaasworld @thelov3lybookworm @vickykazuya @fussel9913

[fangisms]

war is over

A/N: i figure this takes place sometime around the holidays 1996?? that seems like the cleanest place for me to shove it <3

Pairings: George Weasley x GN!Reader

Summary: George comforts you over your losses and grief during the war. 1.0k words.

Warnings: established relationship, the mf 2nd wizard war, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, stress/anxiety, mentions of grief/loss, pet names (poppet, love), the ultimate trifecta: crying kissing cuddling

It had been a long holiday. With apocalypse looming and hopelessness rearing its ugly head, it had been difficult to focus on festivities and warmth. The mug of hot chocolate cupped in your palms seemed to burn right through your skin. You felt cold though swaddled in sweaters and blankets and embers and touch.

When you retreated upstairs, George had followed you with delicate strides. He’d give you space until he was required of you. Which was almost immediately with how you beckoned him to lay down beside you as your head hit his pillow.

And now you’re tucked under his chin, arms folded with yours over his knitted and monogrammed sweater while your cheek is pressed to his shoulder. The whispers of small talk between you simmered for long enough when you fell silent. If he had to guess, he’d say you’d grown too tired, but that was before you rattled in his arms and took a choked breath in.

“What’s bothering you, poppet?”

You sob and curl into his side, pressing your knees up against his thighs and balling your fists, clenching your teeth out of frustration and exhaustion.

“I…”—a tear slips down your upper lip and your damp lashes squint closed—“I understand what we’re fighting for—what we’re all fighting for, and I know we’ve all put in far too much effort to waste, I mean—the things people have done for this war and this cause is incredible and once it’s over and we win, lives will be changed, but”—you shake your head and press the hard heels of your palms to your eye sockets—“sometimes… it feels like we've lost too much. We've lost... so much. And I'm so sick of it.”

George swallows hard. He turns, tip of his nose pressed to your hairline as you agonize over your long-suffered grief. He takes a deep breath, only drawing the pads of his fingertips down your arm while your fist tightens around the sternum of his sweater.

He waits until you’ve begun to mediate your inner conflict. Your bones settle and you breathe like usual, and he can finally tilt your chin up and look you in the eye. He brushes his thumb over the supple and wet apple of your cheek. And he whispers:

“You’re right.”

You recoil slightly, a serious pout drawing your lips into an upside down half moon of disappointment. Until his lips meet the tender bridge of your nose.

“We are far too young to be so worried about the problems left for us by our parents,” he huffs, “But I think… at least I hope… that our dark cloud has the brightest silver lining waiting for us.”

It’s hard to believe. He’s never sounded so corny, you think, he’s officially lost it. But he smiles and curls his hand at the base of your skull and you want to trust all of him.

“Something wonderful is going to come of this war that is not going to come together until everybody’s shaking hands and dancing and we’re finally free of the horrid thing keeping us all in the dark.”

Fine. As hard as it is to accept his hope and rosiness, you are desperate for it. You want to share his awful optimism and bathe in whatever gold-crested fountain he was born from.

His fingertips feather and skirt across your face, behind your ear, beneath your lips, over your eyelids. So gentle you wouldn’t dare stop him. You can’t bring yourself to resist the slow and steady smile creeping across your face.

Then Molly shouts, “Dinner’s ready, my loves!”

His weight shifts to the edge of the bed. You open your eyes and curl your fist around the hem of his sweater. He turns to flash you a sweet smile.

“Thank you,” you whisper.

His warm hand cups the sude of your face as he dips down and softens you with a sturdy kiss. And when he tries you pull away, you urge him with another. And another.

“Come on, poppet,” George chuckles, “We’ll feel better once we’ve eaten.”

He assists you in sitting up but you still grown and flop against him like a rag doll. He couldn’t be happier. Neither could you as you hum and listen for the hushed footfalls racing down the stairs and the raucous laughter and the warmth that seeps in through every wall.

He kisses your knuckles and you whine in protest.

“One more minute.”

It’s muffled because your face is squished against his shoulder, so he laughs heartily and deeply but out of kindness.

“Alright! Minute’s up, I’m hungry”—he pats your knee with determination yet—“You’re mad if you think I’ll let you starve me just because I love you.”

You slip out of the bed, wobbling over to stand between his legs and pout—quite unserreptitiously—“So you love me?”

“Of course I love you.” You lean down to kiss him and pull away just as he closes his eyes. And as you do, his eyes snap open. “But I also love food!”

He leads you by the hand, hurried down the steps to the table, making sure to sit beside you with his fingers intertwined with yours.

The food is warm and soft and the people around you are gentle and soft-spoken and all of it fills you with comfort and relief. With confidence and just an inkling of hope. An inkling of hope to stake a battle on. To build purpose on. And maybe, you think, there are things greater than yourself that are worth fighting for.

masterlist

[drippingmoon]

Merry new year to everyone, again! 🥳💞🥂

I know it wasn’t an event this year, but writing a yearly wrap-up is really therapeutic, you know? So I decided to continue the tradition, and if anyone wants to join me, absolutely view this as an open invitation^^ Introduction is over, and now let’s see what 2023 looked like:

(spoilers: I adored it. I'm also probably going to make this my fixed post, in case anyone ever wants to catch up with me. And also because my second baby, AoS, is growing, and it doesn't have an intro, but I can't leave it out.)

Stats

Aquiver, Aglow: 181k (draft 4) + 195k (draft 5) + hmm, draft 6 is an outlier, because I didn’t rewrite from scratch, so I’m unsure of the written word count. I didn’t change much from draft 5, so I’d say an extra 15-20k. Total word count: 376k+

Remains of a Night: 120k 

Aberration of Sunlight: 134k

This was definitely my most productive year to date. And I got so hungry: the more I wrote, the more I just wanted to keep writing, and honestly? I’m proudest of myself for literally carving writing time whenever I got a spot into my schedule. Mostly it was from 8pm-11pm, but I had a mad run where my only free window was from 1am till I literally felt I was dying… I’ll talk about that separately🤣🤣👌

Though, I'm seriously understating it.

Like a lot of other people, I would have all these hours when I was younger when I didn't have anything to do, yet I'd still find some excuse not to write. "I'm waiting for the right time." "I'm anxious I'm not going to get it right." "Tomorrow! Tomorrow I can start right from the morning, and I'll have more time to write, yeah?" or "I'm too tired now, it's late..." and so the snowball rolled down and downhill and I found every reason under the sun not to write, now that I think about it. Sigh. So much time wasted. But I can't regret it either, because I needed those baby steps at that time.

And now! Now I do what I thought I'd never learn to: I prioritize, and I actually organize my daily stuff so it's not so impossible anymore to have a little bit of writing time. I don't take it for granted either. It feels like such character growth for me, I'm immensely proud of it.

And for the record? This year was a huge improvement over yesteryear mentally, too. It turns out, what I needed to get over my word count anxiety… was to be faced with people who literally didn’t give a fuck about it, and just cared about the story. One of the most unexpected things beta stage managed to do to me… was to quench all my anxieties. It’s as simple as that. I read and enjoy very long books. People also do that. So, I’m very happy to say I’m no longer in a tizzy about ‘quiv. It might kill my chances for trad publishing, it might not. I’ll be happy come what may.

Because it’s so simple how working on ‘quiv or thinking about it makes me joyous, and now I can just enjoy that freely. I will miss writing this story so much. I really will. But at least I’ll have it forever to reread, and I hope this thought brings comfort to everyone who also has problems letting go, like it does to me.

Let’s break it down a little, shall we?🤩

Aquiver, Aglow◇◇◇

My little star of the hour. How fond I am of it.

Like you could glean from above, ‘quiv went through three drafts this year. More specifically: in the first part of the year, practically almost as soon as February arrived. I knew it was getting closer to the final version, and gave me the push to finish all three back to back. I couldn’t justify anymore the bazillion AUs I do with rewrites (basically, WHAT IFs from events, WHAT IF it went this different way, WHAT IF Tyrone actually said this here… and so on and so forth. I wanted to test out as many pathways as possible, and did I exhaust every one of them in existence? Definitely not. I don’t think that can happen, you just keep getting new ideas. On and on. What happened, instead, is that these couple different pathways, at some point, cemented themselves as canon in my mind. I didn’t want to tease myself with alternatives anymore, and that’s when I knew they would be it. Some bits from the first draft, some from the third, some from the second. Some were even draft 6 originals!

It’s a bit of a weird process. I definitely didn’t need to reach draft 3, and meet Mezusa, because I could’ve feasibly made it work with just Yles in the story. It still would’ve made sense, though in a different way. But if I hadn’t… I might’ve missed one of the best characters I’ll ever probably have created, and the story (and Yles) is much stronger for her, if you ask me. 

For that matter, yes, full rewrites every single draft might take a lot of time and effort, but honestly I don’t think I’d ever change my writing process (save for the moments of frustration when I think I will lol) because of the sheer satisfaction of it. Whoever said so long never to settle on the first version, I owe you a beer and probably some curses as well lmao, but very lovingly. You shaped my writing life.

I don’t have much else to share about ‘quiv, other than it’s off with my beta readers my beloved, and maybe a tentative promise that, if anyone wants, you’ll be able to read this precious ball of hope of mine relatively soon. This story is so gentle to me. And as much as I loved to write and work on it, I dearly hope that whoever decides to give it a go, is treated just the same. That’s the only wish I have.

I also don’t know if I’ll go trad or self-published. Instincts say trad, because I fuckin’ suck at marketing (fact), and I know I’d grow resentful if I’d have to put so many hours into advertising when I know I could instead… write. I’m a writer. That’s the only thing I know how to do. Trad, however, might not be as kind on a ~200k as life’s been, so I might not have a choice. If it comes down to that… I’ll just treat it as I do everything. I don't love this story any less if I just write, publish without a fuss, hope that maybe, just maybe, a reader or two will stumble upon the story and we could talk. Maybe we can have the fun of our lives, create some genuine connection. I know that’s applies to a lot of writers. I hope we can accomplish it.

And so, I’ll finish this section of the wrap-up with a kiss to my ‘quiv, for all the warmth it’s ever brought me. It’s come so far, I know it can live distinct from me from now on. It brings me great comfort. And I look forward to the times I’ll reread it, and we can relive our best experiences together. Never thought I’d get to this point. Thank you, ‘quiv.

Remains of a Night♤♤♤

Mwhahaha! And because ‘quiv took all the pressure, this left AoS to be an extremely fun and spirited experience. Literally the chillest I’ve ever been writing. In many ways, it’s more my thing than I expected ‘quiv to be: I get to murder characters left and right, it’s more plot-heavy and banking on the tension created by a creature that horrifies the characters down to their marrow, but still the only way to defeat it is to know it better, which, uh, might have unpleasant consequences for them. It’s got chase and stealth scenes, and it always shoots me with adrenaline to think about them. In short, exactly my jam.

It’s not a new book, nope. You knew it before as Aberration of Sunlight, but from the get-go I felt it would be bigger than ‘quiv. Very fortunately for me, I had a place where to break it, and behold: there’s RoaN (book 1), and AoS (book 2). There might be a third book, which I dearly hope not because titling sucks, but it depends on the Sycamine arc. More on that in AoS.

One last thing to note, before we delve into the story (hoo-ray for earlier drafts, because I can talk more frankly about them). This is the culprit of my 1am writing adventures!!😫❤ My schedule became too packed, then NaNo came round and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to honor how AoS began, because it was last year’s NaNo, aaand I’m happy to say I won NaNo, somehow, with 56k down before I died. At that time, I only had one section left to write (from both books), otherwise, hahahaha, yeah, it wouldn’t have flown. Still, most of draft 2 I’d written in September-October, with my fairy lights, late nights, and cups of hot cocoa, exactly like how life should be<3

Alright. We’re going through them chapter-by-chapter again, exactly because I love seeing the titles so much:

ACT 1

Cracked Visor, Scorpion Grass

I did it! I did! Twas another shower thought I managed to get down in time. Bare broken sentences, but they did the impossible, and arranged this chapter into a structure I adore to bits and won't ever change. (And 'quiv's naughty voice left me alone for once and I could write it properly!) While I don't think I'll ever be happy with a first chapter (not as a concept, but the writing — part of me will always wish that the reader just had all the information already lol), this one is in the right place.

It pays its respects to the story of the broken helmet at the foot of a spaceship, and how it reconnects Madigan with all the people who'd suffered from being tethered to the planets when they yearned to fly, but the Beast punished them cruelly for it. It makes him feel phantoms of their efforts. The tone is exactly what I needed this story to start from: melancholy and numbly hopeless, against the backdrop of the Beasts's echoed cries.

Rain Through the Universe

Unlike 'quiv, because RoaN and AoS are way more plot-heavy, it's not as easy to change things willy-nilly (whereas 'quiv was all about character bonds and dynamics). As such, it's very similar to draft 1. Because of that, I'll frankendraft next (select and combine drafts 1 and 2, rewrite to connect them) and afterwards I'll try something I've always wanted to. (Scrivener keeps hinting at it!) I'm gonna split the chapters into scenes, and focus on those individually and how I can just rewrite them and set their purpose in stone<3 I'm excited!

As for the chapter itself, gods, I love the atmosphere. Just the wreckage of a sundered ship, and Madigan’s sudden madman appearance making a lasting impression on Spica, because how could it not. They no longer answer distress calls in that age, it just means more dead bodies. In fact, they're forbidden to. Madigan instead brings him what he himself lacks: hope. And a lot of crawling around while dreading the Beast's lambent eye opening, and oh my, the moments are really flying by😈👏 extreme fun for me as the writer.

Aberration of Light

If you remember, the books follow two timelines, which will connect at some point. The first and main one is Madigan and Spica’s story. The other is Holloway’s, in the distant past of that universe, and who’s been dubbed the most selfish man in existence. That’s important, because of how the Beast came to be. But that becomes important later. For now, a weird-ass new recruit has joined the ship, and the witchy crew will very soon start making bets if she’s the Beast in human flesh, which really wouldn’t bode well for their future.

Night Falls On Their Reflection

Draft 2 became Spica’s draft. It was high time. He didn't exist in the original idea beyond chapter 2, but he refused to die with his story untold. And now he's one of the most independent thinkers I've ever written. Now he's Madigan's son (yes, even at 25), best friend, back-to-back partner all in one, and I could watch the trust and mutual respect between these two forever. To be sure: Madigan comes up with the dumbass plans, and Spica's only too happy to follow him through everything (it is good fun.)

He's repaying the incredible kindness Madigan's shown him when answering his distress call, after all.

But it goes a bit further than that, doesn't it? Madigan is used to watching over myriad people. He's the Superintendent of his planet, and while he genuinely loves people, kindness is his default. It doesn't go further than that for him. He doesn't necessarily think people need, much less desire his presence there beyond Madigan extending help, and most of the time, he's content with that. Kindness does make him happy. And it should be the same with Spica now, shouldn't it? He's kind, but he's not Spica's family, nor ever will be. Yet he immediately feels a connection with the boy, that has nothing to do with bonding over escaping-a-cosmic-disaster. And so does Spica.

This is the moment when Madigan starts feeling guilty, for stepping where he should not. But here's the beauty of Spica's character: he's nothing if not dead sure of his own feelings, and what he sees with his eyes. It's okay if Madigan keeps unexpectedly taking steps back. For very long, there'd been nobody to support Spica's beliefs. So he does the same, as when he followed his heart to go into dead space: he believes in himself and Madigan, and that their paths aren't meant to diverge. They mean too much to each other for that to ever happen.

(In short, and legend says you can still hear me screeching about these two ten thousand years later, I love these two so much, and especially the parallels between Spica going alone into outer space and loving Madigan.)

(And, okay, obviously all these developments don't happen in a single chapter, but I couldn't stop gushing🤭🥰.)

Who Puts These Tombs in Ice

Overall, I think draft 2’s Luitgart performed worse than draft 1. Mainly it's the setting I want to revert (still an icy, sempiternally dark hell, but with different ice constructions) because some of the beats are a huge improvement, and again, I gotta combine the two. Otherwise, I’m still as obsessed about the Luitgart arc as I’ve ever been, and huge thanks to it for being so strong it could function as an ending of its own, allowing me to split the book.

Gettin’ into spoilery territory, but I have to un-kill Madigan so many times it leaves me in hysterics. That was what I was supposed to fix this draft. It got worse. Considerably.

(One constant: the chapter being a love letter to Madigan, and how his first answer will always be to help the other, no matter if they deserve it or not<3 and finally, finally, he gets acknowledged for it, and the favor returned.)

ACT 2

Lemon-Dotted Days + Remnant

Two Holloway chapters! I’m actually massively pleased with how they’ve turned out. Last year, I said the main issue was that I had an outline, and that never works for me. So I did what I do best and rewrote everything from scratch, and the result is both uncanny and… unexpected.

Unexpected, because I never in my life thought Holloway’s voice would make me laugh so much. He’s supposed to be unsympathetic, but then you get his interactions with Saintlark (the new crewmate, possibly Beast) where they’re contemplating the harvest of a nebula, and he’s harshly critical of it, which gives Saintlark hope… only to go deadpan One Moment Later: if they’d used the nebula to prolong their lives instead of bolstering the war, they wouldn’t have died like clown idiots. 

And, they could’ve maybe stolen immortality from the nebula. They would've had to share it with him, of course. Or he would've murdered them to get it.

That, my guys, is his personality in a nutshell.

I have a lot of feelings on Holloway now, and most involve me huffing and slapping my forehead while groaning, but oh my gods. Was it ever so fun. And wait, wait, wait. Since I'm talking of humor (apparently a lot of comedy fit into this horror lmfao) I have to show you guys the following section🤣🤣👏:

Corpse Snow

The drifters are set howling on the ice. They share glances, five separate vehicles nodding at each other. Madigan revs up the engine, splitting the air with a jet of steam and vibration.

The last of the marines are climbing into the box. A figure flashes past Madigan’s drifter — and he leans over, teeth grinding because of his ribs, and he does his very best to grab someone by the back of their suit and pull. Workout days were never his strength, though. He only succeeds in stopping them in the frost smoke.

It’s Spica dangling from his hand, expressionless.

Lieutenant Hahn instantly seizes on the situation. He throws Madigan a long, withering look. “Whatcha doing, Boss?” he asks softly, about to unhinge his jaw again.

Madigan nudges Spica into the drifter. “Picking up your boy.”

Spica gets the hint and deposits himself into the front seat, glancing from his father to his Superintendent. He seems to give up on whatever’s going on, and makes himself cozy in the frosty spot. And Madigan, of course, pretends not to notice Hahn’s drifter sliding closer.

“And you didn’t consider I might want to have my son with me?”

Madigan looks up and sighs. “Lieutenant, dear Lieutenant,” he starts pleadingly. “Why won’t you show some leniency to a poor, wounded man?”

Hahn’s drifter stops, summoning a breeze across the icy floor that gently rocks the other vehicle. His breathing distorts the comms with static. “And what exactly is my son right now?”

“My trusty navigator,” Madigan answers easily.

“Sir’s emotional walking stick?” Spica pipes in at the same time.

They both look over. Spica’s quietly turned to the navigation, as serene as daylight, seemingly oblivious to how Madigan's expression changes, lightning-fast. He quickly hides it under the guise of a polite mask, as the marines stir and turn their attention on them. They’re snickering.

Lieutenant Hahn throws up his hands, giving up on everything.

This is also the first 30k chapter I’ve ever written. It's everything I've ever wanted to do with ice.

Heart of the Void

The end of the book. Originally, it was the ending section to Corpse Snow, but since it already got so ungodly long, I chipped off that bit and I have to say I’m very happy with how it works as an epilogue! So it ends the frosty, weary journey, and I can’t see the two books as separate yet, but here we bid goodbye to the first.

Aberration of Sunlight♧♧♧

I did the unthinkable and created a fifth arc. This might not seem like much to you, but I was screaming bloody murder you guys😭😭😭. Sigh. It’s so sigh. For so long, AoS consisted of four clear-cut acts, but it was necessary. With the introduction of Sycamine, and making it two books, it was just needed. It’s still one of the worst things I’ve ever done because I was used to four😃💔

(The chapters continue from where RoaN left off – from chapter 10, to 21.)

ACT 3

Retro Spectrum

Sycamine, oh Sycamine. Definitely the break I needed before Days in Darkness. It made for a really neat beginning. It’s calmer, focusing on the knowledge they have on the Beast. It’s also a reflection on Procyon (their main star) and the story of the two straggler dog constellations, and what they'd been running away from. I liked the direction it took. It veered away from the Beast for a bit, so the tension kept expanding in the background. And when it returns, well... maybe they shouldn't have been so eager to see it again🤭.

It suffers from the same syndrome as draft 1’s first chapter… it’s there in the vicinity of the idea, but too much to the left. Not bad for a first attempt. The setting annoys me – I really don't enjoy writing cities, and AoS didn't change that. So, for our next try, I was thinking... maybe we don't need to be on the planet, but up close and veeery personal with it. It's a secret❤.

And, oh gods. I put a moustache-twirling villain in this. And then I couldn’t stop myself from naming some sucker Sweetman Calories. I don’t know what happened to me during those days, but I’m crying🤣🤣🤣.

Toast to the Light

Holloway and Saintlark’s story is slowly coming to an end. Unexpectedly bleaker than draft 1, yet it feels much more sincere. Holloway has a way of saying everything Saintlark needs to hear. No surprise. They did that to themselves.

Dissonant Recognition

Ahhhh, the Madigan-is-slowly-losing-his-grip-on-reality chapter, or maybe he should really stop staring into the suns. One of my favorites<3 Also because it features Moren (!!!) who has a blast staying in the grey morality area, because she doesn’t know if her actions could ever matter, or if she could change anything. Does she just exist? Is she a player or just pawn? Who knows. Besides that, she gets along great with Spica. They form such a teasing duo, the level of mutual respect they felt for each other on sight was a delight to write. My favorite ally of theirs, even if her destiny lies elsewhere.

Night Beneath the Elevator

Best title hands down, dethroning Solgesis. I’m going batshit crazy about the visuals, it's exactly my thing. This half-light slanted over an elevator waiting in a rundown basement to be boarded. And there's something underneath it, and always has been. Something insidiously creeping up and waving its tendril fingers at you as you're just waiting for the fucking thing to ascend. Immaculate, guys, I'm telling you, and I'm cursing my hands because I can't make a wallpaper of this. I want to eat that atmosphere.

Time-sensitive missions, y'all.

And why the heck did nobody inform me I was going to add Command as an actual character and have them talk with Madigan?! That entire convo, made up entirely on the spot but somehow with a direction, made me realize what an idiot I’d been for not doing it sooner. They mean so much to Madigan, after all.

(And Mariya. So much Mariya in these chapters.)

ACT 4

Loop System

Like Who Puts These Tombs in Ice, draft 1 might’ve done it better. Not Spica and Madigan, though, because of the sheer development Spica’s been through and the dynamic he’s managed to form with the crew. It's different from Madigan’s, but similar enough that it’s got Hahn commenting lightly: [Spica’s] picked up quite a few habits from Madigan, hasn’t he? Almost as if they’ve gotten very very close, huh? How about Madigan tell him more?

(I adore writing Hahn.)

Outreach

Another Holloway chapter. Doesn’t have the punch of the kids subplot from draft 1, but this just makes it worse for Saintlark personally, because, this time, the consequences are on her.

Days in Darkness

I knew the moment I first got the idea this would be my favorite chapter. Well, it finally happened in draft 2: when the entire crew is here, this time, and ready for the final countdown, to relive the experience of being trapped in a ship that's disintegrating. No more heroes left behind. I'd been so tired writing this chapter in draft 1, but this time around it was incredible. Everything went up sharply from here, both in terms of events and how on fire I was.

(Maybe less than the gorgon, but I was.)

ACT 5

Echo Terminal

The first of the two log chapters.

I've never written smoother, more visual chapters than in this period. Days in Darkness changed me so much, I was writing day and night by this point and couldn't get enough. Well, I hit my limit in the second half of the very last chapter, but I am beyond satisfied. Even the Beast's metamorphosis took me by storm, because I'd been wondering what the final verbs, the final images, the final design for it was going to be. I didn't expect it to come to me this early, and with such thrill. Those were my very best days of the year, and I toast to them.

(And I knew it was going to be fantastic when Halo's Warthog Run OST started blaring in my head, with as much adrenaline.)

Where, Now? + Solgesis

My beloved. The second and last of the two log chapters, but it’s Noelle Saintlark’s log.

Holloway’s timeline ends here. Or maybe it just gets carried into the future. I thought I’d want to rewrite his parts again, make the plot just a tiny bit more psychedelic and nonsensical because it’s so close to the Beast… but Solgesis put all my fears to rest. Even the formatting and layout is a bit of that special thing I’ve always wanted to try, and it really changes the perspective of the previous chapters. There's a new confession that stands at the heart of Holloway's stories.

Honestly, the only thing that needs urgent working on is the anger at the end of the chapter.

Anger is so hard for me to write sometimes. Not because I don’t connect with it, but because I feel self-conscious writing it. The wildest I felt it was when I tackled 'quiv's chapter 3 and Imera's Turning speech, both in quick succession (before I'd even written draft 1. I'd been taking notes.) Since then... I just thing back to how keenly I'd felt that anger, and I kind of intimidate myself out of it. Kind of like a natural resistence, I quench it from myself. Which is actually hilarious when you think about it. It’s like I’m going I BANISH THEE FROM MY BRAIN because generally, as a person, I dislike feeling and operating on anger. But no worries. I’m going to find a way around it.

Watch me😎.

What Goes Around…

(Now it’s the time for me to start crying some rivers, and, alright, it won’t be visible so I’ll say it: the chapter titles are holding a conversation, guys. They speak to each other. And sometimes it’s both sides of the same coin, like how What Goes Around (comes around) hints here. If you take two chapters, one from the beginning and one from the end (for example 1 and 21) it'll tell you a little secret. Okay, What Goes Around and Rain Through the Universe communicate through their plot, which I can’t spoil but of course it has to do with Madigan and Spica and how they first meet… but there is one title pair that does it best visibly. 

Lemon-Dotted Days and Days in Darkness.

And I hadn’t even planned this. All the parallels I wanted to draw… I feel like they built themselves, guys. They really did, and it makes me so wildly happy I don’t even know how to stop my hands from flailing.

And, with them being 21 chapters, they meet in the middle, on the one unpaired chapter.

Called Toast to the Light.

I friggin’ love everything.

New Sunrise, Forget-Me-Right

Of course, Forget-Me-Right is a play on Scorpion Grass. But it’s also such a gentle name for the chapter, because everything ends here. Lying on their backs, staring out into the universe, and it really, really is over. Just a dark horizon on which stars flare and bloom. And suddenly, that maddened rush to make every sacrifice count, to remember every soul they’ve encountered because the legend says the Beast absorbs you when it kills you – all that suffocating pressure dissipates. Lightness remains. Because they’ve protected each other.

For the first time in my writing journey, blood rushed to my head with such emotion I had to stop writing, which never happens. I had to look up and exclaim, holy fuck. But how could I not, considering how the story ends for the Beast? I am speechless. A lot of gorgeous surprises this draft.

Conclusion□●□

Whew, what a year it's been! As for how 2024 will probably look like, though I don't like making plans: finishing the beta stage for 'quiv, and tackling RoaN and AoS's draft 3. Thaaaat one I'm actually starting on Christmas, when I can (finally!!) reread draft 2 with my mug of hot cocoa (or maybe mulled wine for a change) and, no surprises here, I'm hyper stoked for that<3 <3 <3 I legit can't wait to see where the new draft brings them. I might not have set any expectations for them, but they're vying to keep up with 'quiv and I adore it🤭❤

As for my lovely friends... well, you know by how I spam your tags how much I adore you and wish you happiness forever🤩🥺🥳 I don't know what my activity will look like in the near future, so for now I won't be saying anything, and my semi-hiatus continues. Semi, because you're unforgettable and I crave to see what everyone's been up to and (!!!!) what you've written!

So let's meet in 2024 again, and all the best wishes to you, the reader🥰🥂❤.

[womenwant-swords]

I am trying to change my life. I've lived with mental illness for 12 years and I am bloody exhausted.

I'm tired of dealing with this by myself. I'm tired of not having close female friends. I'm tired of being isolated and alone. I'm tired of keeping quiet when I'm hurting. I'm tired of having to justify or explain why I'm feeling what I'm feeling to my family. I'm tired of women's mental health not being taken seriously. I'm tired of women not being believed about the severity of their illness/issues. I'm tired of seeing women struggle by themselves. I'm tired of hearing the stories of women who've been lost to mental illness.

I'm terrified of getting worse again, and I'm terrified of change, but I've got to try, because at this point what have I got to lose.

The only place I've felt comfortable to share any of myself is among the amazing radfem community. I can't be debating what a woman is when that just diverts attention away from the actual issues women are facing. I can't waste any energy on people who want to belittle the experiences women face. Radblr has it's issues, just like everything else where humans are involved, but I can't engage with people who believe that men can become women.

My goal with being more present on here and sharing some of my struggles with anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, and c-PTSD, is that I hope to help. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. If you want a friend, I'm here. If you want to talk about mental health, women's health, LGB struggles, radical feminism, or anything else.

Any woman reading this, I love you, I support you, and I am with you. If you want a friend, I'm here.

This was kind of heavy and intense, but I needed to get it off my chest. If you read this far, please enjoy my sleepy cat.