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not-poignant · 1 year

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Alright, so this is something I realized based on the brushes of worldbuilding you placed in the background of your *Underline the Rainbow* series, specifically, attitudes about omegas based on James's family from *Underline the Black* and Christian's attitude toward Nate from *Underline the Blue.* Even more specifically, the belief about how omegas have "healing powers" they bestow upon whomever they bond with. James's family believed in this strongly enough that, years later, they still work to destroy James's chosen partner because they felt an omega bond would magically heal terminal cancer. They even got journalists on their side, suggesting this idea is common enough in this world to warrant a news story. Thus, it wouldn't be a stretch for those that believe in these magical omega healing powers to "prescribe" an omega as a means of treating PTSD. Of course, you'd want one that isn't suffering from any mental or physical issues themselves, so you choose an omega who had a positive upbringing, like Nate. Christian or his family vetted Nate, picked him, and now are working to make Nate the perfect omega to soothe and heal Christian and his PTSD, someone who will never cause any negative feelings toward the alpha so he can focus on getting better Which is why Nate will always fail. He wasn't chosen as a partner, lover, or even a caregiver. He was chosen to exist as a perfect shadow of Christian, intuitively giving everything to his alpha while not taking any thought from Christian to care for, not even making a face when eating a food he hates or having a fabric he enjoys in his own heat nest that Christian doesn't like. Nate's not seen as a person; he's meant to be a tool with no soul, no desires, no concerns that contradict what Christian wants, and he will never be perfect enough to succeed there because it's an impossible standard. Heck, I'm half convinced the things Nate wants from Christian that the alpha mocks him for during heats are things like cuddling, not the sex itself. So yeah, I'm excited for more of both stories, especially *Blue.* Thanks again for writing such wonderful stories.

Anon, this is really clever and I half wish it was that deep, because you've put a lot of creative thought into this and I have not gone in that direction at all.

Firstly, I really wish fringe conspiracy theories didn't get picked up by the news, but we've learned thanks to the pandemic that this will actually happen a lot if the news is interesting or controversial enough (i.e. news headlines about vaccine injury being pushed by anti-vaxxers as 'proof' that they're right / were right all along). A theory doesn't have to be common for it to hit the news, the folks who believe in it just have to be loud enough. Gary's situation was newsworthy in particular because James was quite a well-known musician in the state, and there are less than 30 peak alphas in Western Australia and very few of them are in relationships, when they enter a relationship, it tends to enter the gossip columns anyway.

As for Christian, it'd be nice if this was something Christian's family was pushing - or not nice exactly, but it'd be nice if there was a broader overarching reason that isn't simply: Christian is abusive.

That's it.

Christian is abusive. He's an abuser. He doesn't believe Nate can heal him or soothe him or support his PTSD. He doesn't subscribe to fringe conspiracy theories. He's just one of the many millions of people out there who believes he has a right to control the lives of others, and to punish them when they aren't exactly the right 'shape' that he wants based on whatever whims he's experiencing in the moment. Abusers get PTSD too.

There is a very simple reason why Nate will always fail in that sense: Christian is an abuser, and he enjoys having power over others. Unfortunately for Nate, Christian's flavour of abuse is emotional/psychological, and Nate has no defences against it, because he never came into the relationship as an equal in the first place.

Christian never wanted perfection. He's gotten it by his own definition many times, and he's the one constantly moving the goalposts on Nate, to make sure he's always doubting and questioning and second-guessing himself. Christian could get everything he wanted in its exact perfect format and when Nate attempted to do the same thing the next day, he'd find a way and a reason to put it all down. It doesn't need to be logical, Christian enjoys subjugating those less powerful than he is, and he believes he has a right to do that.

He could if he wanted to use a conspiracy theory to support it but he - like most folks - disdains those sorts of theories. I think he'd scoff at the idea that omegas could be genuinely healing to anyone, tbh, both because the theory isn't really true, but also because of his general contempt towards omegas.

I'm sorry anon, you've put a lot more creative thought into how this could all sync up than I have! I tend to see all the relationships as quite separate (i.e. the kind of stories that could be read each as standalones), and sort of conceptualised them all very separately.

But also, I think this is influenced by the fact that Nate and Christian are actually a couple from another story of mine, Falling Falling Stars, where there was no conspiracy theories, but there certainly was an abuser, and an abuse victim who became very cynical and closed off after being with Christian, even once he'd fallen in love with Janusz. I saw no reason to introduce something completely new when the shape and structure of the abuse can remain essentially the same!

#asks and answers #underline the black #underline the blue #nate prince #janusz bodanowicz #fae tales au #it's past two am and i need to go to bed #so please forgive any typos or weird sentences #but yeah anon much kudos to you #like you could write some great stories/plots with a mind like that #but that is not where the story is going salkfjasd #i figured i'd nip that in the bud now #to save any future disappointment lol we'll just do the disappointment in how simple my plots are now #there's nothing complex about the plot/s in the Underline series i'm gonna be honest #after Fae Tales i'm just writing like villains and romance and relationships #and not going much deeper than that

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heartofstanding · 2 years

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Hi! I know it's difficult/impossible to judge the feelings of historical figures centuries after they're gone, but I always wondered why Joan of Kent chose to be buried beside her first husband Thomas Holland rather than Edward. I don't know much about her though, so I was wondering what you think about it. Thank you!

Hi! Sorry for taking so long to reply, as you'll find this is a very long reply! Joan's decision to be buried beside Thomas Holland is a very interesting one.There tends to be two main camps of through - that she chose to be buried beside Holland because she loved him "the most" or that her choice of burial location was the culmination of a deliberate policy of political obscurity that Joan had employed since the Peasants Revolt of 1381, where stories circulated that she had been attacked, and the arrival of Anne of Bohemia in 1382.

Behind the cut, I'll give an overview of the various arguments, some other possible explanations and offer my thoughts. I don't think it has to be one reason and one reason alone. People usually have a few reasons behind the major decisions they make and for a medieval noblewoman, who had a choice of locations she could choose to be buried at, the location of her burial was a major decision.

For Love

The most popular interpretation of Joan's choice is that it's a choice made from pure emotion and romance. She choses to buried beside Holland because she loved him the most. Her biographer, Penny Lawne, for instance, says that it is the "more probable" explanation for her choice:

Thomas Holand had been the great love of her life, and she wanted to be with him in death, and that this was in the end more important to her than any possible awkwardness this might cause Richard [II].

This does make a lot of sense. Medieval people believed that where and how a corpse was buried affected its condition in the afterlife, particularly during the second coming of Christ where the dead would rise from their graves. As Jessica Barker puts it, "if the dead were to be raised from their graves ... then it would follow that the person whom you lay beside would also be your companion in the Last Judgement". This suggests that Joan's choice reflected her desire to be with Holland in the afterlife.

Joan's relationship with Holland was exceptional. He was the second son of a knight, she was the granddaughter of Edward I, one of Edward III's first cousin who appears to have closely associated with Philippa of Hainault's household. Joan and Holland met, courted and married in secret. For whatever reason, it remained a secret and Joan later made a more conventional (though bigamous) marriage with William Montagu, the son of one of Edward III's favourites and eventually Earl of Salisbury. Holland later challenged the validity of Joan's marriage to Montagu via the papal courts and Joan supported his claims despite what appears to have been immense pressure not to do so, the loss of status and wealth that would result, and the possibility of alienating herself from her kin and earning the anger of Edward III. The papal courts found that her marriage to Holland was valid and annulled her second marriage, allowing her to live as Holland's wife.

The story of their relationship is extraordinary and has been hailed as one of the Middle Ages's great romances. In this context, her choice to be buried with Holland is the cherry on top, a testament to their enduring love despite the more prestigious marriage she made to the Black Prince and the twenty-five years that passed since Holland's death. It is clear by whatever metric that she still felt a strong emotional attachment to Holland.

I am very hesitant to romanticise their relationship too much. It was an extraordinary match, to be sure, but we do have to grapple with the fact that Joan was only around 12 years old when she married Holland and Holland was 24 or 25 years old, i.e. twice her age (we don't know the exact year of Joan's birth, she was born around 29 September in 1326, 1327 or 1328; Holland in 1314 or 1315). She married Holland (and their marriage was immediately consummated) by the spring of 1340, possibly in 1339. In other words, she could have only been 13 years at the most and possibly as young as 11, when she and Holland married. This, to me, looks more like a story of grooming and abuse than one of the greatest love stories of medieval England.

Obviously, Joan did feel strongly about Holland and probably did love him. Her choice to be buried with him may well have been motivated by that love, at least in part. That I read the relationship's origins as abuse does not necessarily preclude the possibility that Joan did not read it that way and that, in turn, does not necessarily preclude the possibility that it was abusive. Abuse is complicated and produces complicated responses in victims.

It doesn't necessarily follow, either, that her choice indicates that she loved Holland more than the Black Prince or was stating a preference for him over the Prince or was subtly rejecting her marriage to the Prince. By the same logic, we would need to revise the love story of John of Gaunt and Katherine Swynford to "he always loved Blanche of Lancaster more than Katherine". Both Joan and Gaunt only had one body.

The triple tomb and monument, like that of Margaret Holland, Duchess of Clarence and her husbands, John Beaufort, Earl of Somerset and Thomas, Duke of Clarence, might seem like an ideal solution but the double tomb monument was only just starting to become common in England and the triple tomb monument was never that common. Besides, the Prince's status as a war hero and the expected future king (he was even referred to as "Edward IV" in some contemporary documents), as well as his status with Joan as the parents of the currently reigning king, would make Thomas Holland's incorporation into their burial and monument unusual and I suspect be considered highly inappropriate.

For Political Obscurity

The other major line of thought is that Joan's choice of location for her tomb is part of a policy of "political obscurity" that she followed after the Peasants Revolt and Anne of Bohemia's arrival in England. Joan's status in Richard II's reign was awkward and liminal. She was the mother of the king but not, as had been the case previously, a queen in her own right. She lacked the title and authority of a queen and she never underwent the purifying and legitimising process of a coronation. While she acted as a quasi-queen in the absence of a queen and developed a reputation as a peacemaker, there is evidence that it wasn't exactly a comfortable fit.

Joan's reputation had suffered the most during Edward III's reign. Her clandestine and bigamous marriages and the ensuing scandal became public knowledge may have suggested to her contemporaries she was a headstrong, devious woman who was prone to the weaknesses inherent to her sex and wielded a certain sexual power over men. The slightly less sexist view was that that she was a giddy young girl who saw herself as acting out a courtly romance, possibly going further than she meant to. Her reputation shifted upon her marriage to the Prince towards the more sinister, where the unusualness of their match saw the surfacing of the idea that Joan had manipulated the Prince into marrying her.

This reputation was partially repaired by the way she conducted herself as Princess of Aquitaine, where the only criticism of her were complaints about her style of dress, much in the same way that clerics complain about women and fashion throughout the Middle Ages (it's basically an "old man yells at cloud" situation), and in the unstable last years of Edward III's reign and first years of Richard II's. She doubtlessly benefited from the fact that criticism was mostly focused on Alice Perrers and John of Gaunt.

But her scandalous past doesn't seem to have ever been entirely forgotten. In their accounts of Richard's deposition, both Adam of Usk and Jean Froissart report the rumours Richard was a bastard born from Joan's infidelity whose origins she deceived the Prince about. W. Mark Ormrod also argues that the story both recorded by Thomas Walsingham and Froissart that, during the Peasants Revolt of 1381, rebels broke into her bedroom in the Tower of London, broke her bed and asked her to kiss them, may have reflected a cruder story (now lost) current at the time, in which Joan was seen as "deserving" sexual victimisation because of her previous reputation. For Ormrod, Anne of Bohemia's arrival in England on the heels of these stories circulating mark the beginning of a programme of "self-effacement" and "political obscurity".

In his read, Joan's burial with Thomas Holland in the Greyfriars church in Stamford (Lincolnshire) is the culmination of this policy, where Joan effectively demoted herself from "princess to countess". Lawne, despite her claim that Joan's love for Holland inspired her choice, does seem to think there is something in this theory. The prominent placement of Edward's tomb would make Joan's also very public and she may, as Lawne suggests, have worried that her death would dredge up the controversy and infamy she had retired from court to avoid, perhaps even raising the question of the legitimacy of her marriage to Edward and thus the legitimacy of Richard's claim to the throne.

This is a tempting theory but there are uncertainties about it. Joan's retirement from court might have been less about her reputation and more about her declining health - Lawne suggests that Joan might have suffered from dropsy (edema) - or for a desire to live away from the controversies of court. She may have stepped back allow Anne of Bohemia the space to take up her role as queen and make it her own.

Joan may have also been sensitive to the fact that the last time the mother of the king had remained at court after the arrival of the new queen was during the minority of Edward III and his mother, Isabella of France, was widely condemned for her refusal to relinquish power to Philippa of Hainault, even to the point of delaying her coronation until it was an open scandal. Joan may have stepped back precisely to avoid similar condemnation rather than a desire for obscurity.

Other Reasons

Penance

Louise Tingle suggests that Joan's choice of burial may have been an act of "personal penance for her bigamous marriage". Her marriage to Holland lasted from 1340 to 1360 but nine of those years were spent in her bigamous marriage to William Montagu; thus her choice to be buried with Thomas is in some way to make up for this loss.

Preference for her Holland children

Ian Mortimer seems to suggest that Joan's choice of burial with Holland was her choosing her Holland children over Richard. I am not sure how he comes to that conclusion; none of her children chose to be buried in the same chapel. Her three surviving sons are the only beneficiaries to her will and Richard, addressed as "her very dear son", is named first and given her best bed while his Holland brothers also receive a bed each (the rest of her goods were to be sold), so she hardly shows an overt preference for her Holland children over him. We also don't know what her tomb monument looked like to know how or if she depicted her families on it.

Support for John Holland

John Holland, the younger surviving son of her first marriage, murdered Ralph Stafford shortly before her death and Richard refused to pardon him. The last recorded public act of Joan was a failed attempt to reconcile her two sons (they would reconcile after her death). It is not beyond the realm of possibility that she decided to be buried beside Thomas Holland as a gesture of support to John Holland, or as a sign of her forgiveness of him.

Location

The Black Prince intended to be buried in the chapel of Our Lady of the Undercroft in Canterbury Cathedral's crypt with Joan but at some point after his death, probably not too long after, the decision was made to bury him in the Trinity Chapel, beside the shrine to St. Thomas Beckett, one of the most popular (and the most famous) sites of pilgrimage in England. It's likely Joan was part of the group of people making these decisions at the time; others involved were likely to include Edward III, John of Gaunt, Simon Sudbury, Archbishop of Canterbury and the monks of the cathedral. Louise Tingle suggests that during her marriage to the Prince, Joan probably did plan to be buried with him in Our Lady of the Undercroft, and I'd suggest it's possible that the shift in the Prince's burial location led to Joan deciding to be buried elsewhere.

There are couple of things to note here. The first is the Prince's final resting spot was altogether a more prominent and public location which would, in turn, lead to Joan's burial being more prominent and public. If Joan had a policy of political obscurity (or even if she did not), she may have been comfortable being buried in the more obscure chapel but not in the chapel that was effectively one of the hottest tourist destinations.

Secondly, Francis Woodman suggests that the attitudes towards lay burial to Canterbury Cathedral was that it was a privilege guarded jealously and even the Archbishops of Canterbury (as members of the lay clergy) had to buy their way in. The Prince appears to have the first lay person to be buried and if burial was as restrictive as Woodman suggests, this may have meant restrictions were placed on Joan's options for burial. I wonder if she may have been allowed burial in the crypt chapel but not the Trinity Chapel and the idea of being "alone" in the crypt chapel led to her decide to be buried at Stamford with Holland. Alternatively, she may have been allowed burial in the Trinity Chapel but not with a monument or with a smaller monument than she felt befit her station so she chose to be buried in Stamford where her choice of tomb monument could be unrestricted. There have been other restrictions that lead to Joan feeling she didn't want to be buried at Canterbury Cathedral and choosing to go elsewhere.

Other Emotional Reasons

We lack historical evidence for a whole range of human experiences that Joan experienced. We don't know the intimate details of either of Joan's marriages to know whether anything happened to sway her one way or the other. This is something that history can't give us answers for but that fiction can give us possible answers.

An author might write a scene in which Holland frets that if he dies before Joan, she will marry a high-status man and forget him, she might promise to be buried with him. Another author might make something of the strains of living with someone with a chronic, debilitating illness and depict Joan choosing to be buried elsewhere out of shame at her reactions to the ill Prince.

In Anne O'Brien's novel, The Shadow Queen, Joan views the Prince's finished finished tomb and reads the epitaph on it that he personally chose. Finding its sentiments alien to her, she comes to the realisation that she never properly knew the Prince and decides that she can't be buried with him. In Juliet Dymoke's Lady of the Garter, the Prince undergoes a personality change as a result of his illness and the marriage suffers. Although Emma Campion's The Triple Knot ends with Joan's marriage to the Prince, it's clear she imagines him to be an controlling and abusive husband (he murders her puppy when he's six), and that this is the reason Joan opts for burial with Holland.

Though, I would hesitate to read Joan's relationship with the Prince as Campion does. As David Green says:

There is certainly no reason to believe that Joan’s choice of burial site was the result of a difficult relationship with Edward. Indeed, such evidence as we have suggests quite the contrary.

Some final thoughts

There doesn't have to be one singular decision as to why Joan decided to be buried with Holland over the Prince. There were probably a number of factors in play. There are two other considerations.

Firstly, it seems unlikely her decision to be buried beside Thomas Holland at the Greyfriars church in Stamford was a big shock. It seems that way to us because what evidence that survives is the Prince's will, where he intends Joan to be buried with him, and then her own will, where she says she's to be buried beside Holland. No chronicler expresses surprise or shock at her choice of burial or suggests that it had any coded message, such as disapproval of Richard II or disavowal of her final marriage.

It may have even been a decision she came to in the months between the Prince's death and his burial (he died 8 June and was buried 30 September, his funeral was 6 October). Anthony Goodman suggests that, amongst other reasons (such as the hope of Edward III recovering enough to attend), the delay may have been caused by the problems arranging the burial. If so, my own theory about the monks' reluctance to allow Joan a more prominent burial may have been one of the problems.

Her will, unlike the Prince's, leaves no detailed instructions for the construction of her tomb. The recent study of the Prince's tomb suggested that such instructions suggest no work on the Prince's tomb had begun at the time of his death. By the same logic, the lack of instructions in Joan's will, in addition to no evidence of Richard contributing to financially to it, might suggest that work had already begun (and perhaps even finished) before her death.

Secondly, so much speculation about that her tomb in part rests on the fact that it no longer exists. The Greyfriars church in Stamford and the tombs of Joan and Holland were destroyed in the Reformation. There are no records which suggest what kind of monument that Joan commissioned for herself (or others commissioned for her) or drawings or descriptions of it. As such, we have no idea what it looked like and what kind of identity she constructed for herself through it.

She may have downplayed her royal connections, her tomb reflecting the idea of her self-inflicted demotion from princess to countess as Ormrod suggested. Or it might have emphasised her status as mother of the king, Princess of Wales and Aquitaine, Duchess of Cornwall and Countess of Kent. It may have well emphasised her Holland marriage and family at the expense of her royal marriage and son or it might have emphasised her royal marriage and son at the expensive of her Holland marriage and son. It may have struck a balance between the two. We simply don't know. Even if it had survived, without any other records surviving, there is no way to know if it was Joan or her sons that determined what the tomb looked like.

References

Jessica Barker, Stone Fidelity: Marriage and Emotion in Medieval Tomb Structure (Boydell Press 2020)

Jessica Barker, Graeme McArthur & Emily Pegue "'Fully Armed in Plate of War'. Making the Effigy of the Black Prince", Burlington Magazine (November 2021)

Anthony Goodman, Joan, the Fair Maid of Kent: A Fourteenth Century Princess and her World (Boydell Press 2017)

David Green “‘A woman given to slippery ways’? The reputation of Joan, the Fair Maid of Kent”, People, Power and Identity in the Late Middle Ages: Essays in Memory of W. Mark Ormrod, eds.Gwilym Dodd, Helen Lacey, Anthony Musson (Routledge 2021)

Penny Lawne, Joan of Kent: First Princess of Wales (Amberley 2015)

Ian Mortimer, The Fears of Henry IV (Vintage 2008)

W. Mark Ormrod "In Bed with Joan of Kent: The King’s Mother and the Peasants’ Revolt" in Medieval Women: Texts and Contexts in Late Medieval Britain: Essays for Felicity Riddy, eds. Jocelyn Wogan-Browne, Rosalynn Voaden, Arlyn Diamond, Ann Hutchinson, Carol Meale, and Lesley Johnson (Brepols 2000)

Louise Tingle, Chaucer's Queens: Royal Women, Intercession, and Patronage in England, 1328–1394 (Palgrave Macmillan 2020)

Francis Woodman, "Kinship and Architectural Patronage in Late Medieval Canterbury: The Hollands, the Lady Chapel and the Empty Tomb", BAA Trans., vol. xxxv (2013)

#joan of kent #asks #anon #text posts

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prismaticstreams · 1 year

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How to avoid the therapist trap: mutuality and balance in relationships

Have you ever struggled with feeling like a therapist? Do your friendships and dating relationships always seem to end up being one sided? It can be incredibly frustrating feeling like you’re always the listener, and people aren’t interested in what you have to share.

This is a particularly common issue for women, who are generally expected to be the ones who provide emotional support in our culture. Both women and men tend to vent more to women, and expect empathy and compassion in response. It’s a very common problem for certain personality types as well, especially empathic people, highly sensitive people (HSPs), and introverts who tend to default to the listener role. Enneagram Type Twos tend to get stuck in “helping” roles in their relationships too.

To be honest, I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve often ended up stuck being the listener, annoyed that the other person just wanted to monologue to an audience. However, I’ve also been guilty of interrupting and taking over conversations, so it’s something I have to continue to be mindful and conscious about. I try to remember that some of my friends are more introverted and quiet, and are less likely to take up space unless I ask questions and leave room for them to speak up. This requires extra effort and intentionality.

I try to consistently keep an eye on mutuality and reciprocity in my friendships. Unless it's a relationship that is supposed to be one sided, like a defined mentor/ministry/therapy relationship, then I do watch out for things getting too unbalanced. I think it's okay if things are a bit one-sided for a season - we all go through tough times - but if it's like that permanently, I would re-evaluate things.

I used to not pay attention to this sort of thing because I thought that would get me into an unhealthy "quid pro quo" mindset, but I've actually found that keeping an eye on this from the beginning of friendships has helped me form more healthy, reciprocal connections with people. This helps curb my natural tendency to give more in relationships.

Observing this from the start means I'm less likely to get resentful and frustrated down the road, because often when a friendship starts out a little bit one-sided, the imbalance gets worse as time goes on - until I reach a breaking point. Now that I'm mindful from the start, this is much less of an issue.

I think this also helps me avoid getting into "unrequited friendships", i.e. friendships where I care and like the person a lot more than they care and like me. When I give too much to other people, I sometimes miss the fact that they actually don't really like me or value the friendship as much as I do.

Before, when I gave too much, people would be happy to receive, but I later realised they didn't truly value me or my friendship. They were just enjoying the perks of free therapy etc. Giving less can help me discover who actually likes me as a person, versus just wanting the benefits of my generosity.

For instance, on a first date or meet up with a friend, consider things like:

Do they ask you questions about yourself?

Do they listen well (e.g. can they practice active listening skills)?

Are they able to give and receive emotional support equally?

Can they withhold unsolicited advice when you talk about something you struggle with?

Does the conversation feel balanced, or are you mostly just listening?

Do they message you first, or do you always have to message them first?

Do they suggest or plan outings, or do you always have to do it?

I generally have a rule of three when it comes to reaching out or taking initiative with new people. I'm happy to message first three times, but if they don't message first after that, it's usually best to move on. Same with asking questions - I think it's okay to ask three questions in a row, but if they don't ask any back after that or make an attempt to engage with me, then they probably just like talking about themselves.

Obviously, none of these are hard and fast rules, and it’s important to trust your gut. Sometimes I have conversations where I mostly listen, and I still really enjoy it, because the topic is really interesting or I don’t feel like talking about myself in that moment. In most cases I know that if I had something I wanted to say, the other person would listen and be supportive. People may come from a cultural or family background where asking questions is viewed as intrusive, so it’s important to consider the vibe as a whole, rather than getting bogged down in the minutiae. It’s relevant to consider the level of effort in people’s responses.

Another factor, particularly on dating apps, is that people can behave very differently when texting versus in person or on the phone/video chat. I have occasionally come across dry texters who are charismatic and a lot of fun in person, though these are probably exceptional cases. If you really like someone, I’d say give them a chance and see what happens.

In certain instances, such as the workplace or a professional context, listening can be advantageous as it allows you to gain information about the other person. This way you don’t have to reveal too much about yourself, which perhaps could be used against you. So taking on the role of the listener can actually be quite strategic in certain contexts. Knowing how to ask good questions and listen effectively can serve you well in the dating scene, so you can spot red flags much more quickly and easily.

Also, some people just prefer listening, and gain energy that way - so if that’s you, more power to you! Just be conscious that you don’t get taken advantage of or used for your gifts.

In the end, the most important thing is to tune into your body and how you feel. If you feel exhausted, resentful or irritated after a conversation with someone, it’s important to pause and ask yourself why. Check in with yourself. Then consider how to set boundaries and move forward in a way that’s more sustainable for you.

#friendship #boundaries #emotional labor #reciprocity #free therapy #burnout #listening #empaths #introverts #hsp #highly sensitive people

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alexwatchesshows · 8 months

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Black Sails VII (S1E7)

Spoilers for up to and including E7.

We're getting towards the end of season 1 and things are really ramping up.

We start with Pastor Lambrick having a crisis of faith. Honestly this man is the stale white bread of characters and I couldn't give less of a shit about him. Let him preach to the cornfields or whatever.

Flint has returned to Nassau to find that things are just as chaotic as they were on board the Walrus. This man can't catch a break and honestly maybe that's a little bit on him. He seems to be trappen on all sides. Eleanor's mad at him because Miranda let Richard Guthrie escape, which he doesn't know about (and also struggles to accept the Miranda would go against him like that). Silver's back on his bullshit and, honestly, good for him, but that's the last thing Flint needs right now. Silver's really clawed himself up into a position of some power (or at least protection) as he's now in the room with Eleanor, Flint, and Gate (i.e. the people in charge). Gates is also now calling Flint out on his bullshit. Mark Ryan does such a good job of acting in this episode-- I can see all the emotions he's going through as Gates fights between his loyalty to Flint and his love for Billy. As he says, I don't think anything else would have made him confront Flint, but whatever might have happened to Billy was a step too far. The emotion in his voice when he says "Billy wasn't expendable to me. He was a son to me" just kills me. Needless to say, Flint's response of "you should've acted as a better father to him" does not put him in my good books. Generally, I spend most of this show supporting Flint in whatever morally reprehensible shenanigans he gets up to, but for this first part of the episode at least I struggle to find redeeming qualities. He can't tell when to just let something be or maybe offer comfort, and uses this moment and Gates' vulnerability to go back to talking about his wider vision of what to do with the Urca gold. I'm not going to lie, he does start to look a bit mad at this point. There's a kind of look in his eyes when he gets caught up in his visions, and it's in full force right now. Unfortunately for Flint, Gates is in a kind of pain that puts him beyond manipulation right now, and the more Flint talks the more he sees through him to the point where he knows he can't stand by Flint any more. The pain. They care about each other so much but Flint's too messed up to realise what he's doing to his friend. He calls Gates Hal. I'm sad.

While Flint tries to get at least a fraction of his shit together, Silver has somehow already got himself into some fresh shit, this time with Randall. It's been hinted at before, but this is the episode where we all really begin to wonder how aware of his situation Randall really is. Some of his scheming suggests that he's actually quite coherent and smart, but maybe he just has moments or maybe Silver is just really good at getting through to him and the rest is chance. It's too soon to tell but it's definitely worth bearing in mind. As we see at the end of the episode, Randall definitely isn't going to give us any answers himself. Whatever his intentions (or lack thereof), he's certainly causing some challenges for Dufresne in his first day as quartermaster. Honestly, even post-throat tearing, I still love Dufresne. He still gives off panicked nerd slightly out of his depth vibes which I massively relate to. De Groot, Dufresne and that other random guy are trying their best, but they're no Flint or Gates and this is all a bit much for them. Silver's gaslighting for his life and he's too good for them and Dufresne & De Groot's weird test. Silver keeps asserting that "he's not a joiner", but at this point he learns that sometimes he has to join to survive. Both he and Randall live another day, but Dufresne's faith in Flint has been brought down a notch. I don't think De Groot's ever had much faith in him, but nobody seems to listen to that ship wizard.

Eleanor has managed to more or less get things functional with her shipping consortium. I'm not entirely sure why anyone gave Naft any power, but I guess they are where they are. And now, to shake things up, Mr. Scott's back! You'd think that this would maybe help clear up some misunderstandings between the two of them, but their relationship is too complicated for that at this point. Eleanor is tired of being controlled by all the different men in her life, of whom Mr. Scott is admittedly one, but Mr. Scott is also right when he points out that Eleanor's family does literally own him. It's hard to work around either of those facts. At least, between the two of them, they manage to more or less free the slaves, but beyond that it's clear that they're at a point of fundamental disagreement and, although it's not exactly going to help things, Mr. Scott probably made the best decision in joining Hornigold's crew and just getting out of the way for the time being.

Speaking of interpersonal emotional pain, Flint now has to confront Miranda over the letter that put him in deep shit. I think the source of the problem is that the two of them are living very different lives and, as a result, have very different outlooks on their situation. Flint is out there doing things and interacting (however badly) with people, whilst Miranda has been shut in that house with only Pastor Lambrick for company for god knows how long. As a result, she's willing to make more sacrifices than him, because, for her, it's true that "(they) have no life (in Nassau)". Or, possibly, asking for forgiveness from England would be more of a sacrifice for him (we still haven't got the details of their backstory yet). This is possibly the first Flint monologue that has made me want to cry. I mean, just, "It requires an intolerable sacrifice. To apologise ... to England ... They took everything from us and then they called me a monster." The emotion reaches through the screen and chokes me every time. It's also worth noting that he says "they called me a monster", not "us", which feeds back into the whole asking for forgiveness being harder for him than for Miranda. It feels like Thomas is almost in the room with them, like whatever happened between those three is really the topic of their discussion, but that they can't talk about him and, when Miranda does break this unspoken rule and just mentions "him", it's enough for Flint to storm out.

So Eleanor and Flint come together in their repective lonely miseries. Flint is once more showcasing some healthy coping mechanisms, winning us back onto his side by embodying wet cat energy. The dynamic between the two of them is a bit weird for a moment there, and I'm beyond Flint goes for a forhead kiss. God knows we've had enough awful heterosexual sex this season.

Eleanor is probably the only person who trusts in Flint at this moment, though. Gates has not only given up on Flint, but actively betrayed him (understandable, given Flint was planning on stealing a bunch of the gold). Dufresne trusts Flint even less than Gates, and, between the two of them, things are not looking good for Flint. Also, secrets between anyone probably won't help any of their situations given what they're going in to. As if taking a Spanish treasure galleon wouldn't be hard enough.

Meanwhile, the remainders of the Ranger crew are scattered and struggling. Anne is generally not happy, though I'm not sure why. Jack is being robbed left right and centre by the prostitutes he's supposed to be in charge of. For some reason, Max has a problem with this. Max has a very strong moral code that I can't quite figure out-- it goes beyond being self-serving, but she's also not clearly loyal to any one person or ideal. Either way, she prompts Jack to sort his shit out, which he does actually begin to do.

Vane, meanwhile, has reached his destination. I've watched this episode quite a lot of times, and I'm still not sure exactly what's going on there, but the best conclusion I can come to is that there's some kind of logging business going on, which that man (Albinus, according to Black Sails Wiki) is running using what is almost definitely slave labour. Vane knows about this place because he used to be enslaved (?) there, hence the matching scars, and wants to use the labour to take back Nassau. Something about being back there, however, flips something in his mind and, presumably being faced once again with the cruelty of Albinus, decides that, if he is to be "strong" (whatever that means to him), he needs to kill him. (We also get what I think is the first use of the term "proper pirates" in this scene, which is just generally an interesting theme to follow) Ultimately, we get Vane rising from the fucking dead, naked, covered in blood, and looking like some kind of monster. That is a truly spectacular way to end an episode.

#my posts #tv shows #spoiler #tv #tv show review #episode review #tv reviews #black sails #black sails spoilers #black sails review

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shimmers-world · 2 years

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PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT

Personality is the balanced combination of internal and external characteristics of an individual. The internal characteristics of any individual such as emotions, behaviour etc. are inherited from their parents and family. Similarly, the external characteristics include dressing, trimmed hair, correct pair of shoes and opt body posture, etc. This can also be referred as the physical appearance of an individual. A developed personality leads to physical and mental wellness. The science of cosmetology plays a major role in developing an individual's personality.

A person with well-developed personality would showcase qualities such as patience, self-confidence, time management, positive thinking, determination and consistency.

The personality of a well-trained cosmetologist should showcase the following characteristics-

1. Pleasant Appearance - The persons should have well- kept appearance, i.e., they should maintain personal hygiene and cleanliness. The appearance of a person is more about the right attitude, grooming and presentation.

2. Communication Skills - Good communication skills are a prerequisite for a cosmetologist whose main job is to understand and solve problems. There are a few ways by which a cosmetologist can develop good communication skills-

(i) As a cosmetologist, a person should be a good listener as well as should possess the ability to understand the problem of the other person. A cosmetologist should be able to empathise with their customer. At no point during conversation the customer should feel neglected, i.e., always try to be an active listener. In case of emergency, when you need to shift your attention from the conversation, always excuse yourself and then start the new conversation.

(ii) A cosmetologist should not favour criticism in any form, He should always promote correct opinion about the topic, for example if a customer is completely against a brand and you have a different opinion about it, make sure to put forward your opinion in a gentle manner and do not support the customer just to please them. The communication skills of a person should be such that any opinion, when put forward, should sound assertive yet gentle. Always remember to be polite with the customers with them.

(iii) If a customer has any query then the cosmetologis should be able to address the query by asking probable reasons and should suggest the best solution to the problem. A cosmetologist should provide clear and unbiased information about the services being offered by them.

(iv) Another important point to keep in mind is that the cosmetologist should understand that silence is also an important part of communication skills. In cases such as massage sessions when the customer needs rest during the procedure being done, silence becomes mandatory.

3. Manners - Good manners refer to the actions of an individual that are socially acceptable and respectful. Instances such as coughing and sneezing without a napkin or hand give a negative impression on the customers whereas talking politely and using words such as 'please' and 'thank you' give a positive impression. A well-mannered cosmetologist will always strive for harmonious environment, both in terms of cleanliness and behaviour. -

4. Attention to Detail - A cosmetologist's prime duty is to have an eye on all the details. The cosmetologist should carefully examine the customer before or while performing ener any procedures so as to detect or prevent any allergic reaction or unexpected result and stop the procedure when required. Also, they should be observant about the use and validity of the products. They should pay attention to the details/ specifications that a customer wants, for example while getting a haircut or eyebrows done.

5. Knowledgeable - Knowledge plays an important role in determining the personality of a person. It is the condition of knowing something. It may be acquired by reading, learning or practising. A cosmetologist should always be ready to learn new techniques and procedures. The depth of a cosmetologist's knowledge is reflected by the steps taken by him/her during a procedure and by the answers given by him/her the customers for their queries.

1.1 HYGIENE RULES

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), "Hygiene refers to conditions and practices that help to maintain health and prevent the spread of diseases."

It can be broadly categorised into two groups -

Hygiene

Personal

Public/ Environmental

#personality development #lifestyle

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phantomtutor · 2 years

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A The Personal Descriptive Narrative Essay The requirements of this essay are as follows: 1. MLA Format The essay should be 2 pages, but at least two (2) full pages. Font: Times New Roman, double space, Font Size 12 2. Think about a time in your life that you overreacted to something someone else told you or that someone overreacted to something you said. Write a story about this event. 3. Write what you know. That means, this essay is about you and the event you went through. You may discuss how this event affected other people, but do not turn the essay into a diatribe against the other person. 4. This essay, more than any of the others, gives you the chance to write about yourself. As such, this acceptable and recommended. Third person (he, she, or it) may also be used 5. Narratives are usually linear in nature. There is a beginning, middle, and end. Be sure to include transitions to make the paper read smoothly. "First," "After," "Then," and "Next" are just a few that move the reader along. Important Tips to remember 1. Remember to involve your audience. You want to recreate the event, not simply tell the story. Use visual and sensory details. 2. Your thesis does not have to be as concrete in this essay as in others you will write, but there must be one there, implied or otherwise. Yes, this is about you, but your audience is still important. The meaning that you gained from this incident should be a universal meaning to which the reader can relate. 3. Remember that although the main component of a narrative is the story, you still must back up what you say. Details must be carefully selected to support, explain, and enhance the story. 4. Remember, narrative form is story-telling form; as stories, they should include these story conventions: a plot (including setting and characters), a climax; and an ending. Sample Outline of Narrative Essay I. Introduction (one paragraph) A. Background information or any other relevant information about the story in general. B. Specific Moment and Thesis of Essay (i.e. "I never understood how important it was to learn self-defense until I was attacked outside my apartment.") II. Body (at least three paragraphs–do not limit yourself, though) A. The Point leading up to the moment of realization 1. Detail! Feelings, emotions, observations help fill out your paper. B. The actual moment 1. Don’t forget to recreate tension, anxiety, relief and compare to concrete, universal ideas your reader would understand C. The results of the actual moment 1. Lessons learned. Add closure to this story. Ask yourself questions that the reader might ask and make sure they are answered here.. III. Conclusion (one paragraph) A. Restate major points (refer back to incident and lessons learned, but don’t get too redundant.) B. Restate thesis – don’t just cut and paste from intro! (Example: "I would suggest that everyone take a self–defense class because learning self–defense can help people save their own lives") ORDER THIS PAPER NOW. 100% CUSTOM PAPER CategoriesEnglish, MLA Leave a Reply Cancel replyYour email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment * Name * Email * Website Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Post navigation Previous PostPrevious Nursing deliveryNext PostNext Theories of criminal behavior

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whumptober · 4 years

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Whumptober 2020 - Updated

Welcome to Whumptober 2020! We’re doing things a little differently this year so please make sure to read the Event Info carefully. We are also excited to announce the addition of an AO3 Collection, which can be found here.

We hope you’re as excited as us to watch the Whump Community come together once again for a month of bone-crunching creativity and collaboration!

(All 31 Themes + Prompts, Event Information, and FAQs are posted below the cut!)

No 1. LET'S HANG OUT SOMETIME Waking Up Restrained | Shackled | Hanging

No 2. IN THE HANDS OF THE ENEMY "Pick Who Dies" | Collars | Kidnapped

No 3. MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY Manhandled | Forced to their Knees | Held at Gunpoint

No 4. RUNNING OUT OF TIME Caged | Buried Alive | Collapsed Building

No 5. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? On the Run | Failed Escape | Rescue

No 6. PLEASE.... "Get it Out" | No More | "Stop, please"

No 7. I'VE GOT YOU Support | Carrying | Enemy to Caretaker

No 8. WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO? "Don't Say Goodbye" | Abandoned | Isolation

No 9. FOR THE GREATER GOOD "Take Me Instead" | "Run!” | Ritual Sacrifice

No 10. THEY LOOK SO PRETTY WHEN THEY BLEED Blood Loss | Internal Bleeding | Trail of Blood

No 11. PSYCH 101 Defiance | Struggling | Crying

No 12. I THINK I'VE BROKEN SOMETHING Broken Down | Broken Bones | Broken Trust

No 13. BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT Delayed Drowning | Chemical Pneumonia | Oxygen Mask

No 14. IS SOMETHING BURNING? Branding | Heat Exhaustion | Fire

No 15. INTO THE UNKNOWN Possession | Magical Healing | Science Gone Wrong

No 16. A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY Forced to Beg | Hallucinations | Shoot the Hostage

No 17. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING Blackmail | Dirty Secret | Wrongfully Accused

No 18. PANIC! AT THE DISCO Panic Attacks | Phobias | Paranoia

No 19. BROKEN HEARTS Grief | Mourning Loved One | Survivor's Guilt

No 20. TOTO, I HAVE A FEELING WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE Lost | Field Medicine | Medieval

No 21. I DON'T FEEL SO WELL Chronic Pain | Hypothermia | Infection

No 22. DO THESE TACOS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU? Poisoned | Drugged | Withdrawal

No 23. WHAT’S A WHUMPEE GOTTA DO TO GET SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE? Exhaustion | Narcolepsy | Sleep Deprivation

No 24. YOU’RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE Forced Mutism | Blindfolded | Sensory Deprivation

No 25. I THINK I’LL JUST COLLAPSE RIGHT HERE, THANKS Disorientation | Blurred Vision | Ringing Ears

No 26. IF YOU THOUGHT THE HEAD TRAUMA WAS BAD... Migraine | Concussion | Blindness

No 27. OK, WHO HAD NATURAL DISASTERS ON THEIR 2020 BINGO CARD? Earthquake | Extreme Weather | Power Outage

No 28. SUCH WOW. MANY NORMAL. VERY OOPS. Accidents | Hunting Season | Mugged

No 29. I THINK I NEED A DOCTOR Intubation | Emergency Room | Reluctant Bedrest

No 30. NOW WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? Wound Reveal | Ignoring an Injury | Internal Organ Injury

No 31. TODAY’S SPECIAL: TORTURE Experiment | Whipped | Left for Dead

Alternate Prompt List

Alt 1. Punctured

Alt 2. Falling

Alt 3. Comfort

Alt 4. Stitches

Alt 5. Stoic Whumpees

Alt 6. Altered States

Alt 7. Found Family

Alt 8. Adverse Reactions

Alt 9. Memory Loss

Alt 10. Nightmares

Alt 11. Presumed Dead

Alt. 12. Water

Alt. 13 Accidents

Alt. 14 Shot

Alt. 15 Carry/Support

Event Info

WHUMPTOBER is a month-long, prompt-based creation challenge (think: Inktober, but whumpier). There are 31 Official themes this year - one for each day of the month - which can be used, skipped, or combined in any way you’d like. They are meant to serve as inspiration without being taken literally (e.g. you don't have to include the exact wording into your work). Additionally, there are 3 prompts for each theme. These are optional suggestions and can be used in conjunction with the theme, or as options/alternatives. We want to give everyone as much creative freedom as possible, as well as increase event accessibility for folks with triggers and squicks.

Creators can PRODUCE work in any media they choose, including but not limited to: writing, visual artwork, and photo/video/audio edits. Creators can PARTICIPATE as much or as little as they want (i.e. you don’t have to do ALL the prompts if you don’t want to) and prompts can be used in any order. They are also free to use even after the event ends.

When uploading Whumptober content to your blog, be sure to tag the with:

#whumptober2020 …..(the event tag)

#no.1, #no.2, #no.3, …..(theme number)

#bruised, #stabbed, …..(the theme or specific prompt you chose)

#fandom or #OC

#medium …..(gifs, fic, podcast, art, etc.)

#teeth, #etc …..(trigger warnings & any additional tags. Keep in mind not to add “tw” in front but only use the word/trigger itself, because tumblr sucks)

#nsfw, #nsfwhump …..(only for nsfw content)

PLEASE BE DILIGENT WITH YOUR TAGGING. Only properly tagged posts are considered for archiving on the official @whumptober2020 blog. They must be tagged in the order above.

Unfortunately, due to the sheer number of participants in recent years, we cannot guarantee your work will be archived. A random selection of properly tagged posts from all genres will be reblogged each day.

Whumpers who produce content for 31 total theme days are considered event completionists and will be tagged in a masterpost at the end of the month.

Questions not addressed below can be directed to this blog as well.

Thanks for reading, and happy whumping!

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. What kind of content can I make? Can it be NSFW?

This is a MIXED MEDIA event! You can write fic, post meta, doodle or paint, create a gif set or photo edit, link a song, or get crafty with video - anything goes. As for NSFW, make what you like, we just hope that you’ll tag your work accordingly so that others participating in the event can stay safe :)

Q. Do I have to do all 31 Days? Can I post early/late?

Participate as much or little as you like, and post whenever! Just be sure to tag your posts properly (ex. #no.11, #psych101). Combining prompts into one piece of work is okay, and posting late is as well so as long as it’s in October.

Q. What if I don’t understand a theme?

Send us an ask! We’re happy to help clarify. That said, the themes are entirely up for interpretation :)

Q. Can I combine Whumptober with other creation challenges?

Absolutely! That’s like shooting two whumpees with one bullet :)

Q. Can I upload/repost my whumptober content to other social media platforms?

Of course! We’ve created an AO3 Collection to archive any fics posted there. The archive can be accessed here. The blog is the official archive, so please respect the boundaries of any closeted whumpers in your social circle :)

Q. Can I use prompts to write a new chapter for an existing fic?

Yes

Q. An existing fic I am currently writing contains many of the Whumptober prompts, can I use it?

If you are actively writing this fic at the moment with the whumptober prompts in mind, yes. If it just conveniently checks the boxes, then please don’t. You can, however, add new chapters answering one or more of the prompts.

Q. What kind of characters can I write for?

Fandom characters, OC characters, human, furry, alien, cyborg, whoever you like.

Q. Can I use a prompt multiple times?

Yes, but it only counts once

Q. If I’m not comfortable with one day's prompts can I use a prompt of a different day as a substitute and still be a completionist?

Yes, but please do not use a specific prompt twice. We have also created an alternate prompts list that you can draw from [here].

Q. Where can I post my work?

Post where and how you want. You don’t even have to (cross)post it to Tumblr. Just keep in mind if it’s not on Tumblr we will not be able to add it to the blog archive.

Q. Can I start posting early?

You can, but this is an October event and wouldn’t it be more fun with everyone doing it at the same time? That being said, you can post early, but we won’t be reblogging any work predating October 1st.

Q. Do I have to finish a fic I started/can I post WIP’s.?

Yes you can post WIPs. And you’re not obligated to finish it in October for it to count towards being a completionist.

Q. Is co-writing allowed?

Yes, absolutely, and it would count towards being a completionist for both/all of you :)

Q. Do I have to create 31 standalone pieces to be considered a completionist or can I write one continuous story?

One continuous story is fine. The challenge is to write something for 31 prompts. If that’s spread over 31 fics or just one, you are still considered a completionist. (The same goes for every other media you choose.)

Q. Is there a min/max limit on word count?

There is no limit

Q. Can I combine prompts? Is there a limit on how many?

No limit and combine as many as you’d like.

Q. Is a hc/angst focus ok?

Of course!

Q. What’s considered nsfw?

See this post

Q. What's whump?

See this post

Q. My interpretation of the prompt isn't whumpy at all, does that count?

No, sorry, but keep in mind that whump [see definition] is something very nuanced and different for everyone and emotional whump/angst is just as much part of it, as is physical whump and torture. So before you dismiss your idea, think about this.

Q. Can I start working on the prompts before October?

Absolutely! That’s why we posted the prompts a month in advance. We recognise how difficult it can be creating for 31 days in “real time”.

Q. How do I tag triggers?

tw at the end of the word, ex. emeto tw

Q. Do I have to use your tags?

Yes, if you want your work archived on the blog. If not, feel free to use whatever tags you want.

Q. Does combining prompts count towards completion?

Yes

Q. Can we @ you?

Yes but we mostly rely on the whumptober2020 tag

Q. Is there anything we are absolutely not allowed to write?

There are no rules, just be sure to properly tag your trigger warnings. And keep in mind Tumblr’s policies if you are posting it here (or the policies of whatever site you use).

Q. Where can I go for brainstorming help?

Here on Discord

Q. My characters are minors, is that ok?

Yes, but as with everything else, tags are your best friend.

Q. Can I cross post on other blogs?

Yes, multiple platforms and blogs are perfectly acceptable. You can also post different works to different accounts under different names, without posting them everywhere at once.

Note: This is a creation challenge, please don’t repost your old work under our tags (unless it’s been changed or edited for the event).

#eventinfo2020 #whumptober2020 #whumptober #promptlist2020 #prompt list #FAQs #event info

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thedreamermusing · 3 years

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Debunking the myth that Severus Snape is an incel

So, I've seen this go around a lot in the HP fandom, but unlike a lot of other exaggerated statements, this one...doesn't seem to be based on any real truth or fact.

Let's look at the definition of an incel from Wikipedia.

Incels, a portmanteau of "involuntary celibates", are members of an online subculture who define themselves as unable to find a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one. Discussions in incel forums are often characterized by resentment, misogyny, misanthropy, self-pity and self-loathing, racism, a sense of entitlement to sex, and the endorsement of violence against sexually active people.

Alright, so which part of this definition does Snape fit? Does he define himself as being unable to find a romantic or sexual partner? Nope. He doesn't seem to want or even wish for companionship. Is he characterised by resentment? Yes, but not because he can't get laid. Is he a misogynist? Certainly not, he treats people of all genders equally badly. Misanthropy, self-loathing? Yes, but none of these issues is related to his inability to have sex. Racism? Given that he joined the Death Eaters, yes. But once again, his views on blood purity were independent of Lily, the seeds of it were there as a child. A sense of entitlement to sex, and the endorsement of violence against sexually active people? This is a confident and definitive no.

The parts of Snape that do correlate with the incel movement: resentment, self-loathing, misanthropy, are missing the core tenet of the incel movement: misogyny. Snape's resentment is not from the fact that he's unable to get laid. He does not blame women for not giving him sex. His resentment of James Potter was not solely due to Lily, either, although that was a factor. It was also based on the fact that James Potter had what Snape at that point lacked, which Harry pinpoints so accurately in 'The Prince's Tale: 'an air of being cared for and even adored'. James also had power and privilege, and regularly used it to abuse Snape, and of course, a young, poverty-stricken, ugly, half-blood child would feel resentful of that. So, his resentment was not based around any misogynistic idea that James could 'score' women while Snape could not.

Snape was self-loathing, but not because he could not get laid. It's actually the opposite. The first time he exhibits traits of self-loathing are after Lily dies when he says 'I wish I were dead.' He hates himself for being responsible for getting her killed. If he was an incel, he would actually celebrate her death, thinking it was the price she paid for not choosing him. But Snape's self-loathing comes from being unable to protect her.

Misanthropy: I mean....this is self-explanatory. He's a misanthrope because he doesn't like anybody, period. It's got nothing to do with sexual conquest.

Now that I've (hopefully) established why Snape does not share any notable traits related to the incel movement, let me try to debunk some often repeated 'truths' in the fandom that people repeat to play into the idea that he was an incel.

1) Snape couldn't handle Lily rejecting him, so he joined the Death Eaters.

People always say this as if Snape wore a fedora and asked Lily on a date, and when she rejected him, decided that all muggleborns were bad and joined the Death Eaters...when that's not what happened at all.

First of all, the timeline here is wrong. Snape's fascination for the Death Eaters was independent of Lily. We already know he was likely abused by his Muggle father. We know that he loved dark magic. We also know that Slytherin is a breeding ground for blood purist views. And so, Snape was groomed into this movement; he certainly did not join the Death Eaters in reaction to Lily 'rejecting' him.

This brings us to the other point. Lily did not 'reject' Snape because Snape never told her how he felt. We don't know if Lily even knew how he felt. Lily rejected his friendship because he was on the path to becoming a Death Eater.

2) Snape stalked Lily and harassed her all the time.

Once again, false. Snape left her alone after Lily rejected his apology. He never tried to speak to her again or bothered her again. I'm certain Sirius Black would have brought it up if that were the case. But the fact that neither Remus nor Sirius even remembers that Snape and Lily were even friends suggests that they went their separate paths.

3) Snape offered James and Harry to Voldemort hoping that he could get with Lily after her death.

There are several misconceptions here.

Snape did not offer James and Harry to Voldemort in exchange for Lily. He simply did not care if James or Harry's lives. That is of course terrible in its own way. But there is a definite difference between the two. Voldemort would have gone after the Potters either way. There was no deal made between Voldemort and Snape where Snape said 'I'll give you James and Harry if you let Lily live.' What happened was Voldemort was already set on killing the Potters, and Snape made a desperate request to protect Lily. His situation was a) Let the Potters all die and b) Let only James and Harry die and Lily survive. There were no other options. He wanted to save her life and let her live. It wasn't out of some hope that she would fall in love with him. She was the only person who had ever cared about him and he just did not want her to die because of his actions, nothing else.

I know Dumbledore says 'in exchange for the mother' in the hilltop scene but people are forgetting that scene is one of powerplay and negotiation between Dumbledore and Snape. Snape is a terrified Death Eater fully expecting Dumbledore to murder him. Dumbledore holds the upper hand in that interaction. It is in Snape's best interests not to defend himself and simply accept the judgement Dumbledore gives him. Dumbledore, meanwhile, is trying to make Snape as ashamed as possible to get him on his side and deliberately uses phrasing to guilt him.

4) Snape bullied Harry because he didn't get the girl.

Snape's feelings towards Harry are complicated and are wrapped up in all sorts of messy emotions including hatred, resentment, guilt, anguish, and trauma. But the foremost emotions in his hatred for Harry have to do with James. Harry is a carbon copy of James, who was his primary bully in school. We have seen how bad James was to him in SWM. It is irrational of course, but a lot of his hatred for Harry has to do with looking exactly like his bully. A lot of his feelings are also guilt because Harry is proof of Snape's own failings, of not being able to save Lily. Part of it is also resentment because protecting Harry is quite possibly the own reason Snape is still alive. He wasn't able to protect Lily and to atone, he has to protect her son. He is resentful of the fact that he has to protect his bully's son, resentful that his life has become stagnated because of this child, and of course resentful that Harry constantly gets into a lot of trouble at Hogwarts, which solidifies his image in Snape's head as 'James-lite' while also making his job of protecting him harder. So his feelings towards Harry are projection of his failings and trauma and not an inability to get the girl.

Tl;dr: Snape lacks the core tenets of incel ideology i.e misogyny and an obsession with not getting sex. The incel ideology is a violent hate movement built upon hatred towards women. Snape has never once shown any inclination to be misogynistic. He never blamed Lily for the end of their friendship; rather, he understands that it was his mistakes and choices that led their friendship to end. Just because Snape is an ugly man who loved someone one-sidedly does not mean he was automatically a violent misogynist who hated all women. 'Snape is a bully' is a fact because it is canonically supported by the text. 'Snape is an incel' is not a fact; it is a lie.

#severus snape #pro snape #harry potter #lbr i don't think it's a valid headcanon either because headcanons also have to have some basis in canon #I can't believe I need to make such a longass post about something so obvious

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celticcrossanon · 3 years

Text

BRF Reading - 3rd of September 2021

This is speculation only

Cards drawn 3rd of September, 2021

Question: Does Meghan want baby Lili to have a royal christening in the UK? What does HMTQ think about that?

Note: The cards appear to have answered a completely different question to what I asked. My focus was on whether Meghan would be able to go back to the UK for this christening or not. The cards are answering the question: What is Harry feeling right now?

Under a cut as this is long.

Interpretation: Harry is the one that wants to go back to the UK, not Meghan

Card One: The Knight of Wands. The card shows Bellerophon, mounted on his winged steed Pegasus, just after he has killed the fabled monster of the Chimera. Bellerophon's reckless and exuberant natures got him into a lot of trouble in his life. He was killed when he tried to ride Pegasus to Mount Olympus, the home of the Gods, and Zeus sent a gadfly to sting Pegasus so Bellerophon was thrown off and fell to his death.

The Knight of Wands can be a fire sign person, particularly a Sagittarius, or it can be a person who is enthusiastic and full of ideas, someone who is focused on making one or more of those ideas a reality, but who is prone to 'leaping before they look' and biting off more than they can chew. They are impulsive and impatient, thinking first and acting later, and they can be very unreliable in the follow through (they run out of steam and abandon the project).

This card is giving me the energy of Prince Harry and how he regards his past behaviour with Megxit. Harry is slowly coming to see that like Bellerophon, he has fallen from Mount Olympus, i.e. from his position in the BRF. Harry is slowly seeing how his over-confident actions and lack of proper planning (i.e. leaping before he looked) have caused him to be in this position, although I still feel that Harry is blaming everyone else and covid for his position - he is not yet ready to accept responsibility for his actions (this is one of the flaws of the Knight of Wands - being irresponsible). So Harry is regretting his past actions and wants to abandon the Harkle's plan for life in Hollywood and return to the UK.

This card can also show how the BRF regard the idea of a UK christening for baby Lili. They see it as an attempt by Meghan to regain membership of the BRF, like Bellerophon trying to enter Mount Olympus. The BRF view Meghan's request for a Royal Christening as an idea that Meghan is pursuing regardless of anything else (as the Knight of Wands does - she is focused on making this idea into reality). They see that it would be a reckless and ill-judged idea on their part to agree to this.

Card Two: The Knight of Pentacles. This is the card of Virgo, and the energy here is of a sun sign Virgo, Prince Harry. This card is confirmation that it is Harry who wants to return to the UK, not Meghan. The impression I am getting is that Harry wants to return for good and leave the BRF to clean up whatever mess he left behind him in California.

The Knight of Pentacles is the slowest moving card in the deck, so any suggestions of Harry returning to the UK are moving very slowly, if at all. The Knight of Pentacles is also the most reliable and responsible of the knights, with a focus on hard work, planning, and working methodically towards a goal. This Knight does all of the work involved, even the mundane, boring and repetitive tasks. They take care of all the details and never leave a job half done.

If you look at the cards, you can see that the Knight of Pentacles is facing in the opposite direction to the Knight of Wands. This tells me that if Harry wants to return to the UK, he has to do a complete turn around in his attitude and adopt the attitude of the Knight of Pentacles. He has to take responsibility for himself, follow through on his deals or break them and pay the penalty, tidy up all the details, and then, with everything cleared up properly, there might be a chance of him returning to England (just him, Meghan is absent from this reading).

With respect to the Christening, this card says that the BRF is examining the idea from every angle and doing into every detail of not just the idea itself, but of the consequences to them. They are examining every way that the Harkles could use this event to wedge themselves further in the ceremonious life of the BRF (i.e. if we come from the christening then we have to come for Remembrance Day as well, and Trooping, and the Jubilee etc), and every way that the christening could be used against them. Like the Knight of Pentacles, they are being slow and meticulous, looking at all the details and the repercussions of this event. Meghan, of course, is pushing the 'Harry is the daddy and he is a Prince so baby Lili has to have a royal christening' angle.

Card Three: The Four of Cups. This is a card of boredom, emotional dissatisfaction, and missed opportunities. The card shows Psyche sitting with her two sisters who are gossiping and raising questions about Psyche's husband - if he won't allow her to see him at night, he must be a monster - and so Psyche is feeling dissatisfied with her marriage. There are four cups (opportunities) in front of the women, but no one s looking at them, they are too focused on their own concerns.

This card shows Harry's current emotional state. He is bored and dissatisfied. His marriage has not worked out as he hoped, and the move to California has not worked out as he hoped. He is missing out on opportunities, either because he does not see them or because he is not prepared to focus on them to make them work. The gossip about his marriage and his life is upsetting him. He is not at the stage of leaving his marriage, but he is bored and restless, and he wants to do something to make things better.

With respect to the Christening, Meghan is focusing so hard on this idea that she is missing other opportunities around her (like a US christening). She wants to come back and 'prove' she is royal as she thinks that will create more opportunities for her (the cups on the card). The BRF are very dissatisfied with the idea of Meghan returning and play-acting at being a royal again to help promote herself to Hollywood/Netflix/Spotify etc (to say the least). The idea of the christening makes them irritated and annoyed.

Underlying Energy: The Four of Wands. This is a card of celebration, harmony, and homecoming. The card shows Jason gathered with his friends on the shore, having a celebration before they set off on the adventure that is the quest for the golden fleece.

As a card of home, this tells me that Harry wants to come home. He misses the days when the BRF took care of him and did things for him, he misses the safety of having them behind him, and he misses being a part of their ceremonial celebrations (Trooping, Remembrance Day, the Jubilee festivities next year, etc and so on). He wants to go back to being able to participate in those events and to having the BRF look after him.

The christening of a baby should be a celebration of life and a welcoming into the family. While those elements are present in this card, Wands is the suit of PR, and I am getting PR energy from this, so the christening would just be as big PR exercise as far as Meghan is concerned. Like Jason on the card, it would be a big party for her before she goes back to the US and continues her search for her golden fleece (i.e. lots of money). The BRF is well aware of this and they are not inclined to disturb the harmony of their home and their place in British society to support such a scheme. They are royal, with all that entails, and not supporting actors in whatever role Meghan wants to play in the public eye.

Repeated Cards: The reading has two Knights and Two fours. Knights are cards of action. Knights want to get out there and do things. Fours represent security, with each card showing a different aspect of it. So here we have a desire for action that will increase the security of some people (Meghan and Harry) and diminish the security of others (the BRF).

Minor Arcana: These cards are all minor arcana cards, which says that all this stuff is going on behind the scenes and has not been made public by either party concerned (the Harkles or the BRF) - excluding the PR that Meghan uses to try to force things to go her way, of course.

Conclusion: We have two readings for the price of one here.

Firstly, Harry is regretting Megzit as it has not worked out as he hoped. He is blaming everyone but himself for this. He wants to leave and return to the UK, where he thinks the BRF will include him in all the ceremonious events and clean up the mess(es) he left behind him in the US. He is dissatisfied in his marriage, but not enough to leave Meghan. The BRF has the attitude that Harry needs to take responsibility for his actions and clean up his own mess, and then (and only then) will they consider the possibility of Harry returning to the UK (not Meghan).

Secondly, Meghan wants a UK Royal Christening as a PR exercise to show that she is still royal. She thinks that this will create more opportunities for her in the US, and she is laser focused on making this idea a reality. This focus has caused her to miss some opportunities. She is pushing for it using the argument that the baby of a prince needs a royal christening. The BRF is not supporting the Christening idea. They see it for what it is - one of Meghan's PR stunts - and they have no desire to be part of it. They know that supporting the idea would be a reckless and ill judged move that would cost them dearly. They are examining every angle of the event and how it could be used against them, and there is a general feeling of dissatisfaction and irritation around the idea.

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qqueenofhades · 4 years

Note

Thank you for your answer to my last ask! Just sort of carrying on from that, what do you think about how they should cover medieval queerness in a potential prequel? I read your post about the deep relationships between knights which was really interesting. I guess what I'm asking is what would "Period-typical Homophobia" for Nicky and Joe actually be? Thank you for educating us better than school does.

Okay, I’m gonna come in here with a Scorching Hot Take that may ruffle some feathers, but possibly... none?

If the point of including casual homophobia or homophobic references is literally just for the sake of evoking some supposed Medieval Bigotry for ~Le Atmosphere Of Dark Age, there is a) no point to it, and b) not much historical evidence either. People love to point out that we didn’t have the modern identity labels of “gay,” “lesbian,” “bisexual,” etc. in the olden days -- well, in that case, we don’t have modern homophobia either, or reactions to those behaviors in the same way. We don’t even have much textual evidence for how ordinary people (outside clerical/religious elites, who would be predisposed to disapprove, just like the religious right today) reacted to so-called “queerness” in their communities, and the circumstantial evidence we DO have suggested that it was far from any imagined universal experience of rejection and isolation. Besides, what we call “queer” due to fragile modern heteronormativty and toxic masculinity was actually intensely normal for medieval people.

One of the tiresome arguments that Straight Historians tend to use, when queer historians are arguing for a queer, romantic, or sexual relationship between two people of the same gender (usually men, because that’s who mostly appears in our sources), is that “friendship was a lot more romantic/intimate/emotional/physical in nature back then!!! They’re not gay They’re Just Pals!!” This is actually true, in that medieval men, far from this Iron Man No Homo No Emotions trope that (once again) we ourselves have come up with, were encouraged (as I wrote about in my gay knights post) to love each other almost, if not quite, beyond reason. There was so much crying, kissing, embracing, tender declarations of loyalty, etc (see: Is It Gay or Is It Feudalism?) Any of those behaviors would make the modern viewer go “lololol HOMOSEXUAL!!!”, but it’s not even always the case? The standards of physical affection, vows of devotion, and close emotional bonds even between platonic friends were just different, and while yes, there was a corresponding anxiety about this attachment turning sexual, the fact that it was considered as a worry in the first place shows you how intense these bonds could be. So while the modern viewer may see two men acting like that and go “oh no gay cooties,” this just wouldn’t raise any eyebrows at all to a medieval person, and hence they’re not going to come back with some dumb manufactured homophobic comment.

Next, in re Joe and Nicky specifically: I SORELY long for a scene in this imaginary prequel where after something romantic has happened between them for the first time, Nicky understandably freaks out a little and goes to confession. There is one other guy in front of him, and a bored priest who is not very good at his job. Guy In Front of Nicky (we’ll call him Guy) goes into the booth and kneels. Priest looks at him, doesn’t even ask. “Oh, is it sodomy again? Fine, seven days fasting bread and water, say two decades of the rosary, Ego te absolvo in nomine Patris -- ”

Waiting outside the booth, Nicky can hear this (since remember this priest is Bad at his Job and has apparently never met the concept of confessional confidentiality in his life) and sags in relief a little. Oh sodomy isn’t that bad, right, it’s a venial sin, no big --

“Father,” says Guy, “I confess that I have also consorted with a Saracen in search of a magical remedy.”

(We don’t gender the Saracen, because we don’t believe in supporting stereotypes, and since it’s established Guy is into Kinky Stuff, you never know.)

Priest LOSES HIS SHIT.

“You WHAAAAAAAT? CONSORTING WITH A SARACEN FOR MAGIC!! THIS IS A TERRIBLE SIN!!! YOU NEED TO REPENT IMMEDIATELY!!!”

Cut back to Nicky. OH SHIT!!! Sodomy not bad, he could deal with that. Consorting with a Saracen?? OH SON YOU’RE DOOMED. SODOMY WITH A SARACEN??? OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO HELL!

Cue Nicky’s silent existential crisis Dying in the background while the priest lectures Guy to within an inch of his life. Finally, Guy decides fuck this priest (not like that, this is not Fleabag) and scuttles out. A thoroughly terrified Nicky thinks about following him, but since the priest has already seen him, he can’t flee. He goes into the booth and kneels down, Quaking.

“What have you come to confess, my son?”

Nicky.exe has stopped working.

“.....jealousy.”

You get the idea. And guess what? This would be COMPLETELY accurate, because if we were using, say, Burchard of Worms’ Decretum, an early 11th-century handbook advising priests what penalties to give to various sins, that’s basically how it’s treated. Sodomy is blown over briefly with the other venial sins as a certain amount of days fasting on bread and water, while Burchard is really, really worried about witchcraft, magic, non-Christian beliefs, and other such things. So again, really, what is “Period-Typical Homophobia?” We’ve already established that behavior between two men that would raise modern eyebrows would be absolutely nothing remarkable to a medieval person, while priests obviously don’t approve of sodomy, but they’re not that fussed by it either. (Unless you’re Peter the Chanter, who’s just a dick, but he is yet again one guy writing about one specific context, 12th-century Paris, and the fact that he’s complaining so much means that it’s obviously happening in reality.) Besides, the whole idea was that sodomy was the “unspeakable sin,” aka something people just didn’t mention or talk about, which is why it can be hard to track down reliable or unambiguous treatments of it. Obviously, queer erasure isn’t a surprise, but it doesn’t mean that these people didn’t exist; it just means that chroniclers, especially monastic chroniclers, didn’t write about it. So even if this is outright happening, i.e. Joe and Nicky’s romance and/or the number of other queer characters we will be sure to include for verisimilitude, there’s still no guarantee that anyone would even actually SAY something.

And besides: not every minute of history was filled with homophobia, just as not every minute was filled with filth, torture, misogyny, etc. There is actually no necessary reason to include it, especially in boring modern homophobia form, unless you’re trying to beat us over the head with Things Being Bad Back Then. Especially if we’re making a movie that honors and empowers queer people, who deserve a chance to escape into a lavish historically detailed gay romance with Joe and Nicky and not have to deal with bog-standard microaggression as a result. Because what I’ve laid out above is just as much (in fact more so) historically accurate, and MUCH more funny, interesting, authentic, and original.

(And thanks so much!! Another GREAT question.)

#history #medieval history #queer history #joe x nicky #persephone-rose-r #ask #the old guard meta

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rwbybutincorrect · 3 years

Text

I have some suggestions for your RWBY pokemon AU

I think Absol makes more sense as a pokemon either for Ruby, or, what I think is more fitting, for Qrow. Absol in the pokemon world is considered a harbinger of disaster because of its ability to sense oncoming calamities, and Qrow considers himself a bad luck charm and his weapon is called Harbinger, so I can imagine it being like, his signature pokemon, and maybe Ruby, wanting to emulate her Uncle, catches one for herself.

I also think Ruby and Yang's starters make more sense swapped around, Blaziken fits more with Yang (a hot headed fighting type) rather than Incineroar (a Dark type meant to emulate Heels in wrestling I.e the bad guys). Incineroar also fits better with Ruby's v1-v3 colours, though I also don't think a fire starter would fit Ruby, I think Sceptile fits more, as it's a fast pokemon that uses its leaves on its arms as blades, which I think fits Ruby better.

I'd also pick Rosarade over Florges but that's just my purrsonal preference.

Now for Weiss, my only suggestion would be changing Corvinkight with something else, and I'm thinking Glaceon. I love the idea that Weiss as a child finds an injured Eevee in the large family garden and secretly takes care of it, but her father finds out and forces her to take it back to the wilds, but while out there it saves Weiss from several Beowolves and in the artic climate evolves into a Glaceon which Weiss then adopts.

Blake, id replace Absol with Greninja for aesthetic, but otherwise I would change Gallade's past, Ralts' only show themselves to trainers with strong positive emotions, so I can't see Adam ever having one, but I like the idea of maybe Blake and Yang being helped during the forest exam at Beacon by two Ralts/Kirlia's who they then take (Yang saying its the sign of their new partnership), and otherwise I would change Gallade for Gardevoir for Blake and have Gallade be Yang's pokemon, since it's a pokemon with strong morals and I feel fit Yang better.

Now for Yang, and other than the previous suggestions of Blaziken and Gallade as hers, I would replace Tyrantrum with Hitmontop, storywise I'd say that, when she's recovering post Beacon and on her way back from visiting Summer's grave, she encounters a Tyrouge rushing headfirst into fighting a stronger pokemon and getting seriously hurt, so Yang saves it and takes it home to recover. Despite all its injuries it still insists on training, Tai seeing this starts encouraging Yang to train with it, hoping it'll help her out. As both Yang and the Tyrouge bond and train, learning not to rush headfirst into battles and to adopt a more balanced fighting style, it evolves into Hitmontop to symbolise Yang's recovering and training.

And thats just RWBY, I have plenty of suggestions for JNPR, Sun, Ilia, Adam, Salem's forces, STQR, the Ace-Ops, Happy Huntresses and Neo~

--------

submitted by @ladydevoir thank you :EYES:

[for reference, this is about this post]

treating this like an ask because i assume that's why you submitted it, because of the text limit but :EYESY:EYES:EYES

my choice of absol for blake is because i knew about the lore implications of absol and thought it would be a tragic detail if an absol appeared before her trying to protect her from the travesties she's repetitively had to face. i might give one to qrow anyway because I'm not afraid of duplicates!!! i didn't think about any supporting adult pokemon teams quite yet!

i will be honest, the blaziken choice for ruby was mostly self indulgent :3 i love chickens and blaziken's aesthetic. notable moments in the anime stuck with me, like during xy's series when there was a vigilante "blaziken man" protecting luminous city - that's a big reason why i chose it for her, that kind of over the top kind of heroism i thought worked. as opposed to incenroar who fights dirty. early in rwby, yang is a very backhanded and not exactly noble kind of hero. just look at the "yellow" trailer, fucking shit up for self motivated reasons (good for her.) i thought it fit her! --- but i can absolutely see what you're saying with sceptile, that is another favorite of mine and i'd love to see her with a sceptile that could mega evolve!

roserade, yeah i can see that fitting too! i forget it exists sometimes- my bad - and i like the grass type a little bit more to some extent than the fairy type because ruby has less of an association to the balance of nature~ that fairies do

i like the glaceon idea a lot too!!! the concepts of potential and direct reflection of her cold home - not to mention it's my second favorite eeveelution :D corviknight, yeah, it's my weakest link and i wanted to add it purely on the basis i'd like the snow queen to have her knight - but i think a glaceon would be much cuter, considering she already has plenty of stand ins for her glyphs!

I'm also interested about the greninja for the aesthetic! I'm not all that attached to the kalos starters so i tend to forget about them a lot more, i leaned on the "dark" type for blake but definitely didn't consider the. actual ninja pokemon. but i also tried to hold off on giving her a proper starter because in this little hc concept of mine, starters come specifically from pre-huntsmen schools (like signal in yang and ruby's case). i liked having the narrative of some students being "othered" by lacking starters - a visual tool when displaying their teams that they didn't have the opportunity to start where others did. not to say greninja couldn't have been a wild encounter or something else - fun to think about and really fits!

i DID not know about the kirlia lore though, i thought it was pretty weak when i was coming up with it and that is so interesting to know. i enjoy the idea of a pokemon switching allegiances from adam to protect blake but with this new information, I'll probably rewrite it in a way where the bee duo's ralts evos are more exclusive to them :3 i do like your idea of switching them, though, i tried to switch them to divert expectations, right (yang being a bit more masc than yang yet having a gardevoir, blake having the more showmanshy evo) but i might switch them. or i can just say the pokemon are practically shared and will switch up who they're paired with by their own choice. gf things <333

the hitmontop concept is really interesting for yang! it really does fit her - and i never paid attention to the line because, i will be honest, it never aesthetically pleased me, but narratively it works super well. i liked tyrantrum because i loved giving yang dragons and i also thought if she restored a tyrunt herself, it would be a nice indication of yang's genuine intelligence and wisdom. i don't like people boiling her down to a bimbo, haha funny stupid lesbian, but i feel like people also fail to recognize her genuine technical and social intelligence that she's portrayed throughout the series. then again, a hitmontop could show that emotional and protective instinct and intelligence she carries. it's sweet!! I'm torn!!!

AAAAANYWAY LONG STORY SHORT thank you so much for your opinions!!! i love the feedback and second opinion. i did a little bit of brainstorming with few friends in our discord server and its nice to hear an unrelated voice's takes!

feel free to send us more ideas if you'd like!!! :D as of right now I'm working on (the original) jnrp's post, and have penny, oscar, roman, neo, emerald, mercury, and cinder's teams planned! (I'm not sure how to section them off atm so their posts are coming later!) I'm curious to hear your ideas for when i get around to these other characters

#rwby pokemon teams #rwby #submission #jinn's answers #petal burst #im tagging these things for mysake <333 #thank you #talk to me about pokemon @ everyone #mod weiss doesn't understand my pokemonwords enough #and i get judged for team planning when i should be sleeping!!!!#long post

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sly-merlin · 3 years

Text

KILLING ME - 4

(minor friendly chapter)

pairing : law student! Reader + yuta

Genre : angst, mafia au/arranged marriage au

Warnings : none.

Words : 5k

Summary:

"life's never fair y/n. Realise it as soon as you can. It is the only secret for living a regretless life."

"curiosity got the cat hitched"

K.m masterlist

A/n : this series is totally minor friendly now. ✨

Previous morning in Taeyong’s office

“What was that for!” taeyong questioned jaehyun, clearly annoyed by his previous hostile mannerisms towards you. Jaehyun was on the receiving end of taeyong’s infuriation immediately after you departed from his office with doyoung.

“What!?” Jaehyun tried to act oblivious to Taeyong's accusations.

“Why were you trying to scare her? Escort ring! For fucks sake Jae, I expected better from you.”

“But it wasn’t a dead loss. And even you went along in the same wagon, so don’t put everything on me alone.” Jaehyun justified himself by shrugging his shoulders lightly. “And admit it! She was giving you a hard time. That bitch was not buying anything!

Taeyong knew jaehyun was right. Your unsatisfied replies and never ending enquiries were exasperating him, but he would rather preserve his precious ego than admitting that to jaehyun.

He ruffled his well-made hair before replying to Jaehyun, who was expecting some gratitude with a smug face.

“I-- just be careful and refrain from doing and saying anything that might put a dent in my plan. It’s a chance Neo would never get again. So be patient and don’t go around opening your mouth about this to anyone.” jaehyun reluctantly nodded,not hearing what he wanted but his affirmation calmed taeyong’s nerves. He couldn’t trust jaehyun entirely but his options were limited.

All the pieces were in the right place, for now. Nothing could go south right!

But jaehyun couldn’t completely understand the rationale behind Taeyong’s design.

and nor could the figure standing outside, completely hidden from the insiders.

The dread of the forthcoming finals substantiated the shortage of vacant seats in the kwanjeong library. You tried your best to arrive as expeditiously as possible for a person who partied, got abducted, arranged her own marriage, and again partied in grief, all in spam of about 34 hours. Finding no available seat, you decided to settle down on the floor. You gulped your cup of Americano in one go and began with the donut. As per a wise saying, Caffeine and sugar were the best combination as a breakfast for someone trying to get through their day with only 4 hours of sleep, the intellect being none other than your own self!

Yesterday was a pretty long day. Though you were worn out from the adventures with wonwoo last night, your brain wasn’t exhausted enough to shut down properly when you tried to close your eyes.The flashes of the events had shrouded you with a mixture of regrets and worries. What was the guarantee that you won’t end up dead tomorrow! What if taeyong was lying! But the fact regarding moon industries was absolutely legible. Maybe you should get a restraining order or something! But the existence of a person is necessary for that and yuta was a fucking corporate in the public eye and you were sure taeyong held some powerful position in the rich hierarchy as well, otherwise, covering the shits without revealing their true identities was not the job of some measly gang leader. There was more to taeyong than what someone could perceive just by looking. Will you be considered one of them now! After the little stunt that landed you straight into yuta’s life, you weren’t sure that he’d not strangle you in sleep. And What were you going to say to them? Chelin, yeom, guk, yeong.

and your thoughts spiralled from taeyong,yuta towards chelin and your friends and didn’t rest anytime before 4a.m. Waking up at 8 sharp , you took a shower and made your way towards the library.

And now you were here. 2 students passed your figure indicating that there were 2 vacant seats. Finally, after 15 minutes. They might have been the overnight students, you thought and walked inside before anyone else could claim the treasure. You had to find a new topic of thesis and do some research for an international paper your professor was writing, and you being his designated so-called subordinate had to help him, involuntarily of course. But in this world, the student who could refuse their professor’s demands was yet to be born! Marking the place by placing your bag, you started the search for last month’ law journals and digests. One and a half hours passed, but you couldn’t find anything on the international court of justice i.e. what your professor hadn’t already included. The urge to go out was profusely weighed down by your own sentiment of avoiding your friends. So you decided in favour of swallowing the bitter pill.

5 hours passed. The vibration of the timer in your phone prompted you to run off and get some food. It was already 2:30 and the lack of real food was making the tasks harder than they already were. Stepping outside into fresh air, instant regret of not bringing an umbrella washed over you. The sun was too bright unlike your mood and walking all the way to your favourite canteen would end up in you getting another headache. But you silently wished that every being from yesterday’s party was suffering from the same treatment of the over-the-top optimistic planet. why to suffer alone!

“Shortie” you lifted your head, spotting the combo of buy 1 get 1 free, heading your way.

“Where were you the whole day? And if you aren’t going to pick calls then please do that poor thing a favour and sell it!” yugyeom barked while running his hand through his hair.

You shrugged jungkook’s elbow from your shoulder and replied “I was busy with prof. Joong’s work. And I have to be somewhere after 4 so I was a bit-

“Joong should adopt you already man!” Jungkook interrupted, nudging your sides with his fingers.

“ but I thought he wanted to be her sugar daddy!” At that gyeom gave a serious and stern look to kook, pretending to ponder over his statement for a second and then suddenly they both started laughing, hands hitting you everywhere to support their doubling figures.

“Get away from me, idiots!” you shouted, trying to get away from them. Once they were done with showing their exaggerated emotions, you all giggled together in unison. they were wearing their fundraiser t-shirts, you noticed.

“When is the fundraiser?”

“At 5. But you won’t be there to support us cause you are busy with your daddy!” kook exclaimed while bumping your shoulder with his arm.

“I didn’t say I’m going for Joong’s work and no, he’s not my sugar daddy, doofus. I’m busy with tutoring. I missed someone’s Saturday class so—

“Okay, chill tiger. You need to breathe. It’s a boring event anyway.” gyeom said in a comforting tone, interjecting your rapid fire speech.

“I’m gonna have lunch, are you two going?” you suggested.

“Yeah, it’s our break and Yeong and Minjun have eaten already, so that leaves you!” kook pouted when gyeom mentioned his boyfriend’s name.

“Let’s go! I want my sugar” your dramatic pout made yugyeom pet your hair lovingly and the three of you started walking on a stone pathway on the way to the canteen.

“Where’s your umbrella?” jungkook asked you. He knew how much you hated walking under the sun after the drinking escapades.

“I forgot but let’s not talk about it. it’s making me grumpy.”

“Okay! but why don’t you cover your head with that scarf instead.” he said pointing towards the silky material around your neck.

“Naahh, it ruins my fashion” they gave each other a puzzled look, shrugging their shoulders for they both couldn’t gather the reason for your weird behaviour.

At lunch, you talked to them about the fundraiser and gave your own contribution for the noble cause. The conversation with them progressed too easily and for about an hour you forgot about the turmoil in your life, which was still unknown to them.

After parting away, you went straight to your professor to show him your progress. He took note of the materials you found on recent cases and dismissed you without showing any gratitude. Not even a word of appreciation.

A ping!

Jaemin: noona, doyoung hyung is picking you up at 4 but he won’t enter the campus. Be out at 4!

You let out a frustrated groan at his text. You had only met him once, when he conferred upon you the honour of connecting your phone to his server but that was not the only favour you received! He also saved his contact number with various hearts that you obviously removed after reaching home. you could only pray to heavens that he won’t be there today as well!

You made your way to the library again, this time to work on your thesis. The time passed faster than you thought. The alarm you placed earlier vibrated, indicating it was 4 already! You hastily made your bag and ran out of the library. It took 10 minutes to reach the gates of the campus. When you passed your dorms building, the idea of ditching doyoung and going to bed sounded tempting but as usual, nothing was going your way these days. You felt like the old catch 22 was in action.

You passed through the gates and looked around the road to find doyoung's car but he was nowhere to be seen. While you were scanning the whole area, a low voice called your attention.

“What are you finding, I’m right here under your nose” a voice said through gritted teeth.

Yes, he was indeed sitting in the car right in front of you and the only one you missed apparently. You walked around the car to sit on the passenger seat, the tinted windows hiding you from the outside funfair.

“What took you so long? It's 4:15 already.”

“I don’t have a car like you so I walked myself here and it’s not like I did it purposely anyway.” You contended, the annoyance in your voice matching his own.

“Whatever, we are already late so turn around. Taeyong would be mad.”

“No I’m not turning around. First that cloth bag, then the handkerchief you tied on my eyes yesterday, its painful man. I’ll lose my eyesight this way. And I can navigate the whole city from this place, you can’t hide your dungeon from me now” you reasoned. He didn’t tie your hands yesterday but your eyes were still covered.

“Then give me your scarf. I’ll cover your eyes with your own choice of article. It’s not painful or else you won’t be wearing it right! he said mockingly, pointing towards your neck.

“Umm, this scarf is act-

“Give me that already. I have some other things to handle as well.” assessing your options, you hesitantly removed the scarf, turning around to face the window immediately. Doyoung tied it across your eyes, checking the knot twice and tapped your shoulder. As you turned around, doyoung’s doe eyes widened, if that was even possible. Your collarbone and neck, which was visible through your v neck top, was covered with pretty purplish bruises. You fidgeted with your hands, flustered, feeling his eyes on you. But he remained quiet, focusing on the task at hand.

The whole drive was quiet and though your hands were not tied, you kept them on your backpack, hesitant to start any conversation. The car stopped finally, the mixed feelings coming back. The same process followed. He guided you inside but this time you passed only one door and the walk was quite shorter as well.

As doyoung was about to remove your scarf, a hand stopped him, or that was what you understood from the movements at that time.

“Silky scarf, blindfold and hickies haan! Being kinky doyoungie. She’s your sister-in-law. Show some respect boy!” a voice remarked, the air around your face suddenly filled with chocolate and coffee. You hiccupped all of a sudden, earning a chuckle from the unknown presence.

You tried to reach for the blindfold, but your hands were caught mid-air, the said hands removing it. You blinked your eyes a few times to make out the figure’s face. He was standing, mostly bending to match your stature, face smiling to show all of his teeth.

Yuta.

You, surprised, took a step back but instead bumped into the one behind you.

“I’ll take over from here, doyoung.” but fortunately, he didn’t budge. Your hold on the backpack tightened, your eyes lowered to avoid his gaze. The only thing in your view were his baggy pants and white sports shoes.

But yuta could see only you and nothing else. Taeyong wasn’t the only one awaiting your arrival. Yuta was equally anticipating you. His night was just as sleepless and anxious as you. He was afterall at the other end of the rope.

He raised your head, fingertips lightly grazing your chin. His hooded eyes roamed around your face like he was expecting you to show some contempt , hatred,nervousness! He straightened up abruptly and started tying the silk around your neck. You flinched at his touch but he remained void of any reaction. His half denim jacket and white t-shirt hid you from the surroundings, his arms almost engulfing you. He repositioned himself to match your height again, arms crossing against his chest.

“Looks like someone had a fun night.” and in a second, his honey smile changed into a smirk, letting go of any trace of earlier softer expressions. And the look on his face was enough to scare the shit out of anyone.

“Stop yuta” a taller man you recognised from yesterday as Johnny, pushed yuta aside from your view. It was then you saw that everyone was there. Including the one you were yet to encounter.

Your eyes wandered from one side to the other. Johnny let you inspect.

“Doyoung, what was the need to cover her eyes?” Johnny whispered to doyoung, breaking your trance.

“Why is everyone nagging me so much” he whined in a screeching voice.

“Karma bitch” Johnny pointed his forefinger towards him before giving his attention to you.

“Hey, how are you y/n.” he asked, his cheerful voice totally in contrast with the weather of the room.

“I’m- ummm.” you cleared your throat before continuing. “I’m fine Johnny. As fine I can be.” you mumbled the last part but he surely heard you.

“You remembered my name!” he clapped, his eyes turning into crescents. You gave him a tight lipped smile in return, waiting for some instructions. As if on cue, taeyong’s loud voice graced your ears.

“Come y/n. make yourself comfortable” he indicated towards the couches that were almost already occupied. Johnny gestured to you to proceed, walking with you. You passed yuta who was still smirking and sat on the single seat available next to taeyong. You placed your backpack on the large table in the middle of the room. It looked like a normal living room for guests, just with too many couches to accommodate the gang. You felt like an uninvited because apparently everybody was watching you like a hawk. Their stares changed sight only when yuta came to take a seat on one of the couches, exactly opposite to yours. You met his eyes briefly before turning your face towards your bag again.

Who knew the rusty zips of your bag were so interesting!

“So y/n I thought you should meet everyone. You are going to be part of this family soon. Better get acquainted with all.” taeyong addressed you while he sat on his couch majestically like a king. You heard a dry laugh and if you had to guess it had to be from jaehyun or yuta.

You didn’t understand why he wanted that. You were just a risk till yesterday and now means to discipline yuta.

And why all the formalities if you were gonna leave anyway.

“I’m going to leave anyway, taeyong. So I don’t see a need to do it!

You were too consumed to notice how your sentence turned all the heads around you. Some started giving side eyes to each other. There was something they were all missing.

“I said you could leave. But not without my permission. So, you’d be stuck for now, maybe till months or years.”

You gulped at his words. Taeyong turned your only hope into a distant dream. Maybe you were too foolish to gauge the situation.

“You want something to eat or drink before we continue” he asked in a sincere voice. Shaking your head, you rubbed your eyes with the palms of your hands to stop them from moistening. There was nothing more embarrassing than to cry in front of a bunch of strangers who didn’t give a shit about you.

“No, please continue.” you emphasised again to not draw any more attention to yourself than already was. And you internally thanked Taeyong who continued as if you weren’t just gonna cry!

“You will move in with yuta on Saturday,” it was Monday. “The wedding ceremony would be held in the morning. So you have a few days to prepare, everything from your dress to every other thing you need shall be arranged. Just name it and you’ll have it!”

Wedding ceremony! That was not on the plate!

“I don’t want a cerem-

“Leave the bullshit ta-

You and yuta both cut off each other simultaneously. You glanced at his side, finding him already piercing his gaze into yours.

“There’s no need for it. The paper signing is enough. It’s not like we are in-

You knew taeyong understood what you were trying to say, so you didn’t continue. But you were already having a feeling of superiority over yuta for being the first to offer your opinion. It felt like a payback for flustering you earlier. You refrained from facing him again, your body turned towards taeyong only, but you felt satisfied with the thought of him being riled up.

“Oh, but I want a ceremony taeyong and mark is going to be the best man. He’s so excited. You can’t do that to him!” yuta emphasised through the variation in his voice. You knew he changed his argument purposely , but you maintain your cool, opting to ignore him . bear and forbear.

Taeyong raised his eyebrow at you but you shook your head again.

“I don’t think it’d be a good idea. It’s not a normal one anyway so why pretend!” you held your ground.

“You aren’t getting married to a mannequin.” yuta retracted. “I’m getting married as well and don’t anyone dare say that I made a mistake and blah blah. At last I’ll be hitching so I want a ceremony and Japanese at that!”

Oh yeah, he was Japanese. You have missed that as well.

All the other men in the room, 9 to be exact, were nodding at everything that was being said. They were unable to decide whose argument was worth taking side for. Finally Johnny spoke-

“I think y/n is right” looking at nowhere in particular, he continued. “What’s with pomp and show when it’s nothing more than an agreement”

“But if yuta hyung wants it, then why not. They are going to live together, he should have his say as well.” It was Mark who took yuta’s side. He didn’t know why but watching yuta losing ground urged him to support his brother.

You looked briefly at the boy who just argued with Johnny.

“He’s mark y/n.” taeyong said the answer you were looking for. “And he’s Jungwoo, jeno, doyoung, you have already met him, then jaehyun, johnny, renjunie, hendery. Others are busy so you’ll meet them some other day probably.”

A few waved towards you, including Mark, who shyly withdrew his hand quickly. They all probably hated you as there was no other reaction towards a person who almost put your life in danger!

“Can we get to a middle ground now? I’m already getting tired of this” jaehyun grumbled, leaning into the couch.

“Ok so, he wants a celebration of a lie! What about me then? You are all here but I have no one. I’m alone and probably will be. Because taeyong, you haven’t told me how am I going to reveal this to my friends? I may not have a family, but still there are people close to me. They are my best friends, roommate, and many others who need to know! How am I going to explain to them that their friend who didn’t even have a boyfriend, is getting married suddenly? I don’t even have parents to cover it with an arranged marriage. How to convince them? Give me a way and I’ll agree” you pointed out the very important detail that they were missing. But they needed to know that there was other side of the paper as well and your reasons were not just a cry in the wilderness.

Nobody made a sound. Everything went quite like a dark night until-

“I hope this is not the calm before a storm!” you looked over to see the person who broke the silence. It was another young man coming with a food trolley, probably from the kitchen.

“I thought we have a guest so I prepared some coffee and donuts. I hope you like sweets y/n” the man was smiling ear to ear, seeming too happy with your visit.

“I-

“I’m kun.” he introduced himself and you shook his hand. He seemed too polite for a criminal. “Have this and tell me how it is” he forcibly handed you a dessert plate with a chocolate glazed donut. You took it out of politeness but felt a bit weird to be the only one eating it. You watched him with quizzical eyes as he took one for himself and sat on the arm of your couch. Everyone was now staring at your movements.

“Eat it, eat it. These are for you and me only.” he cajoled.

You decided to take a bite and then place it back just to stop the awkwardness.

As you bit it from one side, your brain short circuited. “Holy shit, bro. What is this sorcery.” your genuine and innocent reaction made Kun laugh loudly, some of the others joined in as well.

“Thank god, you like it! I’m so glad you aren’t one of weight conscious ones, otherwise it’d have been weird.” he started munching on his own piece.

“I’m a sugar bear. I can’t live without sugar. I just had a donut in the morning but it was bleh compared to this. You are a master chef bro.” and for a minute you forgot the previous tense environment. Everyone was glad that Kun came to save the situation and except to you, it was known that obviously he heard everything from the kitchen.

“You ate one in the morning! Then it’s the last one you’re getting. Everyone help yourself. She’s not having any more!” as if they were waiting, everyone except mark and yuta picked them up.

“Mark” Kun motioned towards the tray and he grabbed one as well.

“What if I was allergic to chocolate, kun” you asked him while finishing your treat.

“Oh please! Even ten eats it.” he laughed to himself at his reference, which went over your head.

“Now coming to the point.” Everyone looked at taeyong who was already done with eating. “Y/n doesn’t want anything special so it’ll happen like that. No!yuta, lemma speak. And you y/n, it’s upon you to make your friends believe. Make up a story or do whatever you want. You don’t want to tell them about the wedding. Fine with me but do let them know at least that you have a boyfriend that you are moving in with! It’s on you both to make this arrangement believable.

“okay , sho now I shuggenly hab a voyfiend” you started speaking without even finishing the bite in your mouth. you continued once you chewed it.

“won't they be suspicious. They know exactly what I do and what I don’t. It’s almost impossible to put a façade in front of them.”

“Oh please, don’t tell me they even know from where you got those hickies” jaehyun’s curt statement was a hit below the belt. Kun was about to scold him when you elaborated his statement further to prove that he was doing nothing but burning his own fingers.

“Yes, actually they happen to know. When, where and from whom I got these. Anything else you want to ask?.” he rolled his eyes on your reply, busing himself with the delicacy instead.

“They don’t know yuta. So if you want you can introduce him to your people. He won’t be posing any problem, take my word for it.”

“I’ll go with you if you also accompany me,that I guess would be a problem for you. You don’t want to be seen with a criminal, or do you!” yuta jabbered. He was trying to push your buttons to measure your limit. But little did he know that you were far from being that easy.

“I just said I don’t want a wedding. I’ll agree to anything that is reasonable and is not degrading to me.”

“Ok then, nobody would force you to do what you don’t want.” Taeyong decided to take matters into his own hands now. “And we’ll organise a small, very intimate gathering at taeil’s office to celebrate as yuta wants. And you’ll be introduced as Mrs. Nakamoto to our corporate world.” taeyong finished gauging both of your reactions. The surname was foreign and cringing to you. But it was going to be yours, so there was nothing you could do, for now.

“What do you mean ‘our’ corporate world.” you got puzzled at his choice of words.

“You’ll find out soon and it's nothing scary, don’t worry.” Kun responded on behalf of taeyong this time, handing you your cup of coffee. “Tell me if it’s cold, I’ll-

“No it’s totally fine.” you assured him, without even taking a sip. He was being nice enough already.

“If my opinion has no value, then what am I even doing here!” yuta shouted, getting up from the seat.

“yut-

Before Kun could say anything, he stormed off. Mark tried to follow but taeyong stopped him from doing that.

“Don’t mind him. He’s a hot head.” Johnny laughed in between his bites.

You only nodded, sipping your coffee. You were glad he was gone. Sugar has always done wonders for you and it was having the same effects now as well. You were able to think more rationally now.

“One more thing” you furrowed your brows at taeyong. What was left now! “Do you want any specifications in the house? It’s my responsibility. A wedding gift you can say. If you need anything like extra closet, a more spacious kitchen-

“Kitchen?” you let out a brief chuckle at that. Everyone’s eyes were on you now. “It’ll be totally fine if I don’t even get a kitchen. I can’t cook anything besides ramyeon and salads. So I won’t even need that.”

“You are a student. Don’t you know anything basic.” It was Jungwoo who spoke in the sweeter voice than Kun's.

“No. I grew up in an orphanage and they provided us everything. I left when I started law. So all in all, I never had anyone to teach me. That’s why if you want to know best food trucks and restaurants in the city, I’m your best option.but, if that yuta knows how to cook, ask him about the kitchen.” you spoke nonchalantly .But you didn’t realise how uncomfortable the air had become. a heavy silence took over the light atmosphere.

“I’m sorry noona” Jungwoo apologised sheepishly.

“It’s fine. After all there are some things that your hacker can’t find out. only I can tell you those.” saying that, you faced taeyong again. “But if you insist, I can always use a study room.” you tried to enlighten the mood again.,ppp

“Ok. I’ll find something suitable for you both.” you hummed, not knowing what to say anymore.

“Can I go back now?”

“Yes, doyoung will drop you.”

“No, I’ll go with her.” Johnny said, grabbing your attention. He didn’t look sulky like doyoung so, it’d be fine, you guess.

They said you goodbyes. Mark seemed hesitant to even look at you, but you couldn’t care less. He was just a stranger after all.

Yuta couldn’t realise why everyone was trying to be so nice to you. Till yesterday, he was allowed to put a gun on her head but now every being was against him. He didn’t know why he was so furious at Taeyong, to force him to marry you or for dragging Mark into this mess. Taeyong knew how to play dirty, but yuta never thought he’d use his own brother. There was no option for him as well, as taeyong has said. He showed interest in a fucking celebration to contradict you, but you were not backing down and that felt like a punch to his gut.

He drove towards his stress reliever. The infamous Japanese club, the only place where he could drown his sorrows.

The club was packed despite it being Monday. That was one thing he liked about it, you’ll never be disappointed in this place.

“ゆた!” The hostess chimed seeing yuta. “久しぶり” [ long time, no see!]

He signed her to give him 2 shots. She did as told but her gaze was following yuta’s, which rested on her cleavage. He came here only for 2 things after all.

He gulped the drink in a second without blinking an eye.

“バックルーム” [ back room]

She wasn’t someone to be told twice. She handed her hand towel to her co-worker and followed the path. Who was she to reject him after all?

He drove back silently again. The relief he felt was all dissipated now. Instead his mind was already wandering towards you. Your headstrong attitude was troubling him. his plans were all down and out. He hated you , from the moment he laid his eyes on you. You acted like you were invincible but he knew it was just a mask to protect yourself.

He had noticed how you rubbed your eyes to hide your disappointment for you didn’t want to appear weak. All he had to do now was to find a vulnerable part of you, to hit you where it’d hurt the most. It’d be last time he lost to you.

Afterall, beginning is always easy, it is continuing that’s hard!

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idratherdreamofjune · 3 years

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@sunheart wrote in her tags on another post:

Genuinely hate being alive ... I completely understand on so many levels why you would hate being a woman. Its horrible. And then as a Christian there's this whole really ugly dynamic- that i know is probably a lie i just haven't worked out how yet- that we're the 2nd best. The afterthought. The mediocre option. Almost everything in life men are better at and it's hard to believe it's just cultural- math logic leadership writing cooking writing physical activities on and on, and women are good at being Nice :) Which ok i like being nice but it's like that's my only option I feel like any other impact i might wish to have upon the world will be paltry in comparison to what i could do if only i was a man. I feel incompetent. Irrational. Emotional. Obnoxious. I feel like I'm supposed to be a plaything for the beings that were *actually* created to be in harmony with God like I'm not supposed to have a connection with God- only through my husband which what does that make me as a single childless bitch? I can't even fulfill the main point of my existence. Jesus interacted with women but did he care about them like he did the men? David and John were named his favorites not Deborah or Hannah. And like i said i'm sure none of that's true but i don't know how and it feels awful. hate it.

Hopefully others have shared encouragement on this already, but just in case I wanted to give some thoughts. Please know that if I sound riled at all (and I’m going to try to avoid that) I’m not upset at anyone who feels this way but am deeply upset by the enemy’s lies that so many are hurt by. As a younger believer I did struggle with some of these questions myself, and for a long time it was difficult to reconcile these concerns with the promises that God loves me.

Your instincts are right - it is a lie that women are second best. And before I go any further let me also agree that yes, we are physically weaker than men and have other weaknesses too. But since when has weakness meant that someone is any way “less than” others? Men have weaknesses too, just different ones. That’s the nature of humanity: every person is a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses. I’ve never heard before that men are better at cooking?? My dad literally struggles to cook a hotdog in the microwave and has never touched a grill in his life. And okay men may (possibly, not sure on this one either) be inherently better at math, but which gender is drastically underrepresented in the nursing field? I suspect there are fewer male teachers, too, though not as huge a disparity. Men are more prone to recklessness and violence - part of the reason married men live longer (gotta get that stable influence). Again yes men are physically stronger but have you watched ballet dancers (oooh i mean ballerinas, sorry there’re so few ballerinos that I forgot to differentiate) or female gymnasts? Nothing “less than” there! The famous Proverbs 31 woman is a good insight into Biblical support of female abilities and value: “strength and dignity are her clothing”, “she opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” “Let her works praise her in the gates.” (The gates were essentially the city hall or forum of ancient Israel.)

Going back to the beginning - women were created second, true. But did God not know His own plan? He was always going to create women. And the really amazing thing that I learned in the last couple of years is that, when God says He’s going to make Adam “a helper” (Hebrew ”ezer”), that’s the same word that is used to describe God’s actions for His people throughout the Old Testament: - Exodus 18:4 “The God of my father was my help.” - 1 Samuel 7:12 “Ebenezer” means “rock of help” and is a memorial of Yaweh’s help. - Psalm 30:10 “Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me! O Lord, be my helper!” - Psalm 115:11 “You who fear the Lord, trust in the Lord, He is their help and their shield” - Psalm 121:2 “My help comes from the Lord” - Hosea 13:9 “‘You are against Me, against your helper.’“

It is a common word for “help” used in other settings, yes, but the fact that it’s used of God illustrates that this is no poor or second-rate role. Helping - aiding - supporting - incredibly important! In fact this article I just found puts it this way:

In two cases it refers to the first woman, Eve, in Genesis 2. Three times it refers to powerful nations Israel called on for help when besieged. In the sixteen remaining cases the word refers to God as our help. He is the one who comes alongside us in our helplessness. That's the meaning of ezer. Because God is not subordinate to his creatures, any idea that an ezer-helper is inferior is untenable. In his book Man and Woman: One in Christ, Philip Payne puts it this way: "The noun used here [ezer] throughout the Old Testament does not suggest 'helper' as in 'servant,' but help, savior, rescuer, protector.'

Moving on to the New Testament, and the topic of John, who is known as “the disciple whom Jesus loved”. John is the one who wrote the book which tells us that (under the direction of the Holy Spirit, yes) and he only uses that wording as a title, in place of his name. Nowhere does it say he was the favorite disciple, or even most loved, just that he was loved. To me it seems more as if John is saying “Jesus loved me! Can you believe it?!” It has a feeling of awe and thankfulness as opposed to superiority.

Getting into marriage specifically, I do believe that a wife should be under the headship of her husband ...mainly in the sense of letting him have the last word on decisions and plans. This is in part due to differing areas of strength, and in part because in some situations it’s better to have a family leader - most groups of humans need a leader, and following an assigned (or picked) leader does not make one inferior. All that being said, a wife should be able to provide input, advice, and feedback to her husband, who should take into strong consideration his wife’s needs, insights, and concerns (Ephesians 5:25-29).

The lie that women cannot be connected to God outside of their husband is refuted not only by all the vibrantly faithful single or windowed Christian ladies of history (Amy Carmichael, Gladys Aylward, Mary Slessor, and Elisabeth Elliot are some of my favorites) but also Scripture itself. When Christ spoke with the divorced Samaritan woman the disciples were shocked not because she was a Samaritan but because she was a woman (John 4:27; she was shocked on both counts - John 4:9) - I hope they got used to it because Jesus spoke with women a lot. Despite the culture of the time, Jesus clearly had very warm and caring direct relationships with Martha and Mary, Mary Magdalene, and other women. Anna the Prophetess in the temple had been widowed for decades and was serving God alone “night and day” (Luke 2:37). Incredibly, in a culture where women were looked down upon, the Lord chose women to be the first to discover the empty tomb, and Mary Magdalene to be the first to see the risen Christ! I love that passage so much (John 20:11-18).

Another example is when Jesus stopped on His way to heal Jairus’ daughter (i.e. He put aside a powerful man’s urgent request) to lovingly interact with the woman who’d suffered bleeding for years - a terribly personal and female problem (Mark 5:21-35).

To try to wrap up, I’ll return to David in the OT, who was a “man after God’s own heart”. But again, it doesn’t say that he was actually a favorite - it does say David was chosen by God though, to lead Israel and establish the family from which Jesus would ultimately come. You know who else was chosen? Esther - “for such a time as this”. Once she realizes the task she must complete, she tells Mordecai how it’s going to go, and “Mordecai then went away and did everything Esther had ordered him.” Esther gets a book named after her and is remembered in the holiday of Purim to this day. Also note that Esther was married to an unbeliever. Likewise Ruth was chosen, as a young foreign widow, to be part of the Messiah’s kingly line. As an aside, my favorite thing about Ruth’s story (besides all the faith and beauty of it) is the simultaneous deep respect and protectiveness Boaz shows towards her (okay enough mush). Anyhow what it comes down to is that God chooses and loves both men and women, and both have a place (singly and married) in His plans and kingdom. See also Galatians 3:28 “ There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

This post has all over the place, and I probably forgot a bunch of things I wanted to add (if anything else comes to mind I’ll add it later), but I hope it’s been encouraging. Yes I’ve struggled with some aspects of how women are portrayed in the Bible, but what I shared above, plus the love and blessings I’ve known as a single woman are more than enough evidence that we are known and loved. If anything is unclear or anyone has any questions please speak out/send an ask! Anon asks are on too. Also if anyone wants to add or amend anything do so without hesitation!!

#marriage #women in the Bible #Book of Ruth #Book of Esther #singleness #Scripture #lies

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mbti-notes · 4 years

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So, I'm an INTJ who often (especially in the past) have tried to be open and supportive to friends and an ex of mine when it comes to certain problems. I noticed that I often jump to trying to solve their problem for them or offering suggestions and end up neglecting their emotional needs in the end—there's maybe a 50% chance that I was helpful at all. The other alternative is accidentally being taken advantage of and used as a crutch, which I'm luckily done with. Is there any better way to help out when I can hardly understand how a friend feels outside of just being frustrated or anxious?

Practical information and advice about handling emotional needs is already covered in the Emotional Well-Being section, please read. I will use your question as an opportunity to elaborate on the concept of helping, since people often ask about it.

Being able to help effectively is not just one particular skill but a set of skills. I use the word “skills” because they can be learned as long as one has the motivation to study, practice, and improve. Most people know that helping skills are invaluable in a variety of professional and personal contexts. I would also argue that helping skills are essential for personal growth because they play an important role in overcoming the self-inflicted limitations of egocentrism in the process of ego development.

1. Empathy Skills

To be an effective helper, the first thing you need is a decent level of emotional intelligence. This involves having good emotional awareness, knowing how to identify and label feelings and emotions correctly, and knowing how to express feelings and emotions constructively. It is very difficult to understand the emotional life of others when you aren’t even able to understand your own or, worse, when your own emotional life is stunted, repressed, unstable, or dysfunctional. Work on improving your emotional intelligence and, if necessary, learn through healing your own emotional issues and wounds. If you suffer from all sorts of unaddressed or unresolved emotional issues swirling around in your unconscious mind, you are very likely to project them onto people, which will handicap or undermine your attempts to help them.

From having a healthy emotional life, you are able to practice the emotional empathy that is necessary for having a caring and helpful attitude. In human beings, empathy is a very natural emotional response to suffering, due to our evolutionary history of being a cooperative species. Unless you have neurological damage/deficits, you should be capable of feeling bad when you see someone else feeling bad, if only because you know how shitty it is to experience badness. That is the basis of empathy in a nutshell.

I use the phrase “practice empathy” because, when life is busy or too self-involved, it is all too easy to brush others off. Worse, some people are very averse to negativity and actively suppress their empathy so that they never have to feel guilty. Suppression of feeling, taken to extremes, may lead to callousness or aggression. Practicing empathy means that you actually stop and take the time to get in touch with your empathy, to really feel it, whenever you witness suffering. By actively deepening your empathy, you have a natural source of motivation to lend a helping hand.

Emotional empathy is how you nurture your moral character and moral virtues, i.e., to become an ethical, kind, caring, and compassionate person. By contrast, cognitive empathy is about having the ability to construct an accurate theory of mind and using it to assess human problems carefully, so that your solutions take into consideration how each vested party will be impacted. Another term that people use fairly synonymously with cognitive empathy is perspective taking. It involves putting yourself into another person’s shoes in an effort to understand: how they think, what they feel and why, what motivates them, what they need and desire, and the behavioral strategies that they are using to achieve their goals. The assumption is that, when you understand someone’s perspective more fully, you are better positioned to respond appropriately and effectively.

One of the reasons that people are drawn to type theory is because it offers insight into important and legitimate differences between people. Different people have different priorities, needs, and goals based on their cognitive functional stack and their life circumstances. This should always be taken into consideration when you’re trying to help. One of the most common pitfalls in helping people is operating on the assumption that they are similar to you, which leads you to overlook differences and apply the wrong kind of help. When you’re trying to construct a theory of mind, type theory gives you a leg up by opening up your mind to different possibilities and pointing you in useful directions for investigation. For example, if you are N and the other person is S, then you start off by understanding that your way of perceiving situations is very different from theirs, perhaps completely opposite, which should give you pause and force you to learn more about their cognitive process.

Emotional empathy and cognitive perspective taking must go together, otherwise, one or the other may lead you very astray. Emotional empathy, on its own, isn’t enough for being a good helper. In fact, some people have very strong emotional empathy and make situations even worse because they just act immediately on their feelings without any consideration for the consequences. For example, some people reflexively jump to defend perpetrators of violence because they empathize with them more than the victims. Cognitive perspective taking, on its own, isn’t enough for being a good helper. In fact, many people use their perspective taking ability to cheat, swindle, or manipulate for selfish gain. For example, con artists and snake oil salesmen often prey on people’s fears and insecurities to turn a profit. Thus, treat emotional empathy and cognitive perspective taking as equally important but separate abilities.

2. Relationship Building Skills

While empathy is useful for building moral character and perspective taking is useful for constructing an accurate theory of mind, the key to helping is learning how to apply these concepts within the context of relationships. You may feel deep empathy but fail to help. For example, you just freeze up like a deer in headlights once you see someone crying and sobbing in front of you. You may have an accurate theory of mind but still approach the situation the wrong way. For example, you correctly pinpointed your toddler’s fear of large crowds, but your paternalistic approach is to throw them into the middle of a huge crowd and force them to deal alone.

To avoid these kinds of problems, you should always approach helping as a collaboration. Collaboration means that two people put their minds together for a shared purpose. To collaborate well with someone requires two things:

i) Trust: Trusting someone means that you believe they have your best interests at heart. To trust is to have an open heart, which means that you give people the benefit of the doubt. Trust is very important when you’re trying to give advice. If someone trusts you and gives you the benefit of the doubt, they are better able to understand your intention even if you say the wrong thing or offer unhelpful advice. Trust helps to quickly smooth over misunderstandings or miscommunications by reminding us that people are good and mean well.

ii) Rapport: Positive rapport means that two people are able to communicate comfortably because they care about each other as well as speak freely because they do not have undue fear of judgment or punishment. Good rapport puts everyone at ease, which helps to maintain an open mind. Rapport is very important when you’re trying to give advice. If you have positive rapport with someone, they will be more open to entertaining new ideas and solutions. Positive rapport makes problem solving a more easygoing and even enjoyable process.

Needless to say, if you don’t have someone’s best interests at heart, then you should stay out of their business until you do. Helping someone should ultimately come from a place of care. Different people have different trust thresholds (often due to past trauma), so you may have to work harder to earn some people’s trust than others. To earn trust means to prove to someone that you care about them and can be relied upon. This generally involves being attentive to their needs, offering support when needed, honoring your relationship duties and responsibilities, and keeping your promises.

Needless to say, if someone doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you, then you shouldn’t try to force them. Make an honest judgment about whether you’re the best person to help them or not. If you’re not the one, you can still offer help, but don’t get offended if they don’t take you up on it. Different people have different conditions to be met before they feel comfortable enough to share their private business, so you may have to work harder to develop rapport with some people than others. Positive rapport is basically good communication, so work on your communication skills as needed.

Learn the sorts of words and behaviors that help put people at ease. Learn to listen intently, patiently, and empathetically. Learn to pause and ask the right questions when you don’t understand. Learn to offer feedback in a kind and constructive way. Learn to be less judgmental, impatient, or critical, i.e., the kinds of traits that cause conflict, distance, and fear in relationships. Learn to avoid prejudice and mindreading, i.e., the kinds of behaviors that cause harmful and gross misunderstandings between people.

3. The Helping Process

Once you’ve used your empathy and perspective taking skills to establish a good foundation of trust and positive rapport with someone, then you are well-positioned to help them. Always remember that human affairs are an art - not a science. Humans are complex and each one of us unique. There’s no “methodology” that you can follow perfectly to handle every relationship perfectly. A big part of being successful at relationships is simply to be adaptable. Observe and listen more carefully so that you know when it’s time to change your approach.

That said, there are some general guidelines that will help steer you in the right direction whenever you feel lost. Professional counselors are specifically trained to help people with their problems, so there’s a lot we can learn from their training process. I will summarize and adapt a commonly used three stage model of helping that anyone can apply to their relationships:

Stage 1: Gather the Facts

The person experiencing the problem is the one who knows it best. Therefore, the first step isn’t to panic about “what should I do”, rather, always start by getting them to elaborate, in as much detail as possible, so that you understand the situation fully from their point of view. Ask several open-ended questions to give them the opportunity to freely describe the situation, what happened, what may be causing the problem, how they feel about it, what they have or haven’t done about it, etc. After hearing them out, summarize the situation in your own words and ask them to confirm whether you’ve understood everything. The key skills needed in this stage are curiosity, listening, and verifying.

Stage 2: Encourage Awareness and Insight

Oftentimes, people aren’t able to tackle a problem on their own because they don’t know exactly what the problem is - look into their mind and you will see a giant mess. Giving them a chance to express their thoughts and feelings out loud is sometimes enough for them to understand the problem and come up with their own solutions. You should always encourage people to think for themselves whenever they show the tendency, because ideas always stick better when they come from oneself. This also addresses the problem of people becoming too dependent on you. Ideally, the goal of any good helper is to eventually make themselves obsolete, by teaching people to stand on their own.

If after elaboration, you’re still not clear about what they need, then be more direct in getting that information, usually through making more direct inquiries. What you do at this point really depends on the situation and the kind of problem you’re dealing with. It may be enough to ask them whether there’s anything you can do to help and, if so, what would be the best way to help. They might say that they’re not looking for a “fix” but simply want someone to listen, then step back and listen with empathy. You may ask them point blank what exactly it is they need or want. You may ask them what they hope or wish for. You may ask them about what objectives or goals they’re aiming for. You may ask them about the obstacles and challenges they’re experiencing. You may ask them whether they would like your help in analyzing the problem.

Don’t make assumptions about what they need when they haven’t even expressed their needs, which means that you should NOT be stepping forward with a “solution” until you’re absolutely sure that it’s what they want. The key skills needed in this stage are providing emotional safety, encouraging people to reflect more deeply, and inquiring into psychological motivations.

Stage 3: Implement Action

This step is only relevant if they are committed to solving the problem and want your help with it. Collaborate with them to analyze the problem by determining its cause(s), entertain various ideas and solutions, and make a list of all the choices available to them. Help them evaluate their list of choices by illuminating the possible effects/outcomes, pros/cons, or cost/benefits. This will allow them to make a more informed and intelligent choice.

Remember that they are ultimately responsible for choosing what to do - not you. Even the best advice will fall flat if the person doesn’t feel like they can carry it out. THEY have to feel comfortable enough with the choice to put it into action. This means that you must always have an eye on their comfort level. When someone expresses any kind of uncertainty about whether they can implement a solution, it is often a subtle request for more/better support. If that’s the case, go back to stages 1 and 2 to dig deeper into what’s holding them back. It may be an internal or external obstacle, and once you’ve identified it, you can help them remove it.

To implement an idea usually requires coming up with a practical plan, strategy, or method of attack, so help them draw a feasible roadmap. Set up concrete measurements or benchmarks to measure progress or success. Sometimes, they may need your help to break a big plan down into smaller steps in order to avoid feeling anxious or overwhelmed. Sometimes, they may need you to educate, guide, or mentor them to learn new knowledge for overcoming a particular challenge or obstacle. Remember that what seems easy to you may be very difficult to them, so don’t make assumptions about their capabilities. Monitor their progress and offer the appropriate support whenever you observe that they are faltering. The key skills needed in this stage are brainstorming, critical analysis, planning and organizing, quantifying progress, encouraging people to improve, knowledge building, and providing emotional support as necessary.

4. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries

It’s very important that you maintain proper boundaries when helping people. You are not a professional counselor and, even if you are, there should always be a sense of equality and reciprocity in personal relationships. A healthy relationship cannot be one-sided, unequal, or exploitative.

Respect Your Boundaries: You must have your boundaries to protect yourself from exploitation. There are many people out there who have no qualms about taking advantage of kindness, so don’t allow such people to worm their way into your life. Only get involved when someone genuinely needs your help and you are quite confident that they will benefit from it. Remember that helping should ultimately set people up to be independent. If you keep people dependent on you, then there’s some ego problem that needs to be addressed on your part.

Respect Their Boundaries: Remember that everyone has their own life to live. Honor and appreciate individual differences. You may enjoy helping people and that’s fine, but there must be an element of selflessness in your help, so that you don’t get too invested in what other people do/don’t do. Once you start to place unreasonable expectations on people, you get yourself all mixed up into their problem, and then you start to show visible frustration, impatience, or disappointment. Then they might start to fear disappointing you and hide from you, they might start resisting your advice, or your help might even backfire spectacularly. In other words, your “help” just complicates and even worsens situations when you can’t properly respect people’s right to make their own choices in life.

To set proper boundaries circles back to the first point of having good emotional intelligence. You have to be aware of your part in the situation, the effects that you’re feeling, the effects that you’re producing, and monitor for negative feelings and emotions that would lead you to do something regrettable or harmful. Having good emotional intelligence is very important for good decision making in relationships and even life in general. I’ve already provided articles and book suggestions for learning in depth.

#helping #emotional needs #needs #emotional intelligence #empathy #compassion #boundaries #trust #rapport #communication #perspective taking #ask

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