#And I hated myself for it so much. That I just gave in

[the-froschamethyst4]

Young Gf and Older bf

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Simon Ghost Riley Headcanons

SFW & NSFW

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SFW

Older bf! Simon who didn’t know how he felt about having a younger girlfriend

Older bf! Simon who was getting called “old man” by his girlfriend

Older bf! Simon who learned the hard way that some girls have expensive taste

Older bf! Simon who doesn’t talk much about his girlfriend to his mates, he feels like they’ll get on his ass about dating a young girl

Older bf! Simon who did most of the chores around the house

Older bf! Simon who stopped caring what he wore in front of people because his girlfriend is his little hype-man

“Does this work?” Simon asks coming into his shared bedroom with his girlfriend, she rolls on her side to look at him.

“They don’t match your shoes, Si.”

“What?” He looks down. “I thought they did.”

“Here, go try this on and come back at out.”

Older bf! Simon who told his girlfriend about his time in the military

Older bf! Simon who forget how young his girlfriend is, so when he makes jokes or says a movie reference she doesn’t know what he is talking about

Older bf! Simon who was honestly scared to meet his girlfriend’s family. She told them about Simon being older but not how old he was

“And how old are you, Simon?” Her dad asked leaning forward.

“I’m…40”

“40!!”

“Y/N?!”

“What?! He treats me good, he respects me, guys my age want that trad wife, Simon doesn’t, I can do or say what I want around him and feel good about myself.”

Older bf! Simon who knows everything about you. How you like your coffee, what time you’re suppose to be up for work, and he even knows when you’re about to start your period, you know when he shows up at home with bags full of pads and tampons and her favorite foods and drinks

Older bf! Simon who starts watching shows with you but complains about them but deep down he actually likes to watch them with his girlfriend

NSFW

Older bf! Simon who woke up to you in t-shirts and no shorts or pants, he likes seeing you in a t shirt and panties

Older bf! Simon who has woken up to morning wood before and needed help to get rid of it

“Love,” he kisses the shell of her ear. “Love…wake up,” he coos.

“Hmm~ Simon, not now please.”

“I know, love, you don’t have to do anything,” Simon lines himself up at her entrance and pushes himself into her

Older bf! Simon who like after argument sex

“Fuck you!”

“Oh yeah? Fuck me?” Simon carries a smirk on his face.

“Back up, Simon,” Y/n says putting her hand up on his chest to keep distance.

“Fuck me right? Fuck me?”

“Wait, wait,” your legs didn’t work for a few weeks

Older bf! Simon who tries different things with you, like BDSM you both hated it because it’ll be painful for you and Simon didn’t like you hurt

DDLG, he knows the age gap between you two but he hates the word ‘daddy’ makes him cringe

Mask kink, you both loved it, giving the illusion you were being fucked by someone else and he liked feelings your hands in his face

Voice kink, you liked it because of his deep voice already, he was on the fence, not saying your voice is annoying or anything he just didn’t get it

Knife play, you got scared when he accidentally dropped the knife and it was very close to your hand, it was the same thing with gun play you were afraid something wrong might happen

He tried to be a sub but you could barely take it seriously

Older bf! Simon who has fucked you when you were doing your work, you worked in a private office and all he had to do was shut and lock the door and bend you over your own desk

Older bf! Simon who is handsy when he’s horny

“Simon what do you want?”

“I want nothing,” he says as one of his hands were on your waste and the other snacks up to your breasts giving you a gentle squeeze and you gave him a soft moan.

“Just do it already, Simon,” she moans

Older bf! Simon who has kept a pair of your panties in his pockets and has forgotten about them before, he remembers when he accidentally sticks his hand into his pocket and feels the lace

Older bf! Simon who bought a motorcycle and takes you with him as his backpack, he found a abandoned place were no one comes to and you two had a good fuck on his bike

[ripdragonbeans]

Zeno's Paradox // modern!Aemond x reader (2/2)

•Aemond x Reader, Aemond x Floris, Jace x reader•

Summary: You and Aemond instantly clicked when you met at university. So why did he choose Floris instead of you?

TW (overall): afab reader, p in v, oral (f receiving), swearing, talk of violence, talk of losing a body part

Part 1

You and Jace had a plan for every day. Every morning you'd meet up with him at the cafeteria. He'd sit close enough to you that your knees would be touching. Any time you talked your heads would be bent down and close, giving the illusion of wanting to be only with each other and no one else. 

It took a few days but finally Aemond and Floris showed up one morning for breakfast. Seeing them hurt your heart. You looked at Jace and nodded.

“Let's go then,” Jace smiled. “I'm gonna say a joke and you're gonna laugh like it's the funniest shit you've ever heard.” He cleared his throat. “What's red and bad for your teeth?”

Oh gods.

“A brick!”

You looked Jace dead in the eye with absolutely no amusement. “Seriously?”

“Just laugh,” he whispered.

As you saw Aemond and Floris get closer you let out the biggest laugh you could muster, without it sounding fake, of course.

“Hahahahahaha!” There was pain in your eyes but you did your best to smile like it was the best joke you’ve ever heard. “Gods, I love your jokes.”

Placing your hand on top of his, you interlaced your fingers just as Aemond and Floris came up to your table.

Aemond looked at your hands then flitted between you and Jace.

“Is he bothering you again?” Aemond asked.

“No, why would you ask that?” You cocked your head to the side and moved closer to Jace.

“Last time we talked to him you were pissed beyond reason.”

“Well, things change. People change, Aemond. And I found myself wanting to get closer. He’s much nicer when you’re not around. He’s been a big help in my Eyes of the Seven class. Right, Jace?”

Jace smiled at you. “Yeah, and you’ve been helping me, too. Studying with you is one of the best moments in my life. And now I can call you mine.” 

He leaned in and kissed your cheek. You were watching Aemond closely. His face was neutral but you knew him and his eyes were angry. A muscle in his jaw ticked.

“Well…congrats I guess. I'll see you around,” he ground out. 

Aemond tried to leave quickly but you held him right where he was. You weren't going to let him go that easily.

“You're not going to eat breakfast with us? It's a nice morning!” You offered. “Floris? What do you think?”

“Oh, let's eat breakfast with them, Aemy,” Floris pleaded.

Fucking “Aemy?”

Aemond was hesitant. “Fine.”

As the pair went off to get their food you and Jace talked quickly.

“First off,” you started, “that joke was stupid. Second, good call on the kiss. Aemond hated that,” you grinned.

“Hey, that joke was funny!” Jace defended himself. “I saw the way he was looking at you. It's been a long time since I've seen him that pissed. I don't know if Floris could even tell.”

“That just goes to show how much she doesn't know him. She shouldn't be with him, they don't compliment each other.” A beat. “I swear, Aemond hasn't been himself since they started dating.”

“I'll agree that he hasn't, at least the few times I've seen him. He's stuck to Floris’ side.”

“Love that,” you dead panned.

“We're back!” Floris sang.

“Great,” you said through gritted teeth.

“So, tell us how you two started dating!” 

Aemond sat down. “Yeah, how did you start dating?”

You looked at Jace and put a loving smile on your face. “He comforted me one night. I was having a really bad day, heard some terrible news, and he found me,” you moved your focus to Aemond. “He was there when no one else was and I'm so thankful for that.”

“We started hanging out more and the rest is history,” Jace pulled you in close and you leaned your head on his shoulder.

There was a tense silence. Aemond stared at you intensely trying to get a read on you. You put up your walls and gave him a shy smile. You nuzzled in closer to Jace.

“Aw, that's so sweet!” Floris broke the silence. “I know Aemy told you how we got together so I won't bore you with our story.”

Our story.

It hurt. It hurt so much. You felt like you were in a fucking Taylor Swift music video.

Jace looked at you and saw your face devoid of color. “You okay, babe?”

You coughed. “Yeah, yeah. Um, I think I just need to get to class. It's getting late, you know?”

“It's only seven forty-five and you haven’t eaten,” Floris tried to get you to stay.

“Yeah, and my class is at eight and I finished eating before you guys got here,” you tried to get away but she stopped you in your tracks.

“Oh, you and Aemond have that class together, right?”

Fuck.

“Yeah, we do, but I was gonna go ahead. He can stay here with you. He doesn't have to come with me.”

“Nonsense! I know you two haven't been able to hang out much since we started dating. He just always wants to be by my side,” Floris laughed and turned to Aemond. “Go on, Aemy.”

Standing there awkwardly you waited for Aemond to get up and join you on the walk to Psychology.

“Hey,” Jace tugged on your hand. “I'll see you after classes, yeah?” he pressed a kiss to the back of your hand.

Despite Jace being an asshole to Aemond in their childhood you couldn’t help but find a friend in him, especially now. The dating might be fake but the two of you have grown to care about the other.

“Yeah,” you offered him a small smile.

You turned and left the cafeteria with Aemond but as soon as you were outside you picked up the pace, hoping to lose him. If he really wanted to talk to you he'd catch up. When you thought he wasn't going to even try, you slowed down; believing yourself to be far enough away from him. But you heard his footsteps as you neared the classroom door. He grabbed your arm and turned you to face him.

“Can we talk about this?” he whispered.

You refused to look him in the eye. “What's there to talk about? You're with Floris and I'm with Jace, end of story.”

“Exactly! You're with Jace! Why would you even think of him?”

“Because, like I said, Aemond, he was there for me when no one else was.”

“What about me? Why didn't you come to me.”

“You were busy.”

“How could you know that? I haven't received any text or message from you since Floris and I started dating.”

“I didn't need to text you to know you were busy. I saw you. You and Floris aren't exactly discreet,” you spat out.

Realization hit him. “Are you jealous of Floris?”

“I never said anything about being jealous, I just said I saw you were busy. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to take my seat in the classroom.”

“Wait.” He grabbed your arm once more. “There’s nothing serious between me and Floris. We’re just dating.”

“It seemed pretty serious when you were eating her face.”

“You know that doesn’t mean -”

“Are you trying to explain why you haven’t been around me? Because if you are, you’re failing badly.” The anger you’ve been repressing began to bubble up. “Ever since you started dating her you’ve left me. All we do is sit next to each other in class. We don’t talk. You don’t say anything in class anymore, either. You got with Floris and left me, Aemond. You fucking left me.”

You pushed yourself away from him and headed to a different seat, already occupied in front, behind, and next to you. Being next to Aemond would give him more opportunities to talk to you. As much as you wanted to talk to him, you didn't want to hear about how great him and Floris have been.

While you weren’t sitting next to him, you felt his gaze on you the entire time. Even when the professor was talking about Zeno’s Paradox, one of his favorites, he was still focused on you. It was cruel, how Zeno’s Paradox was the main lecture for today. Two points will never be together, there’s too many halfway points to make it. There’s always halfway to go.

You refused to look Aemond’s way. He sat in his usual seat, the one next to him vacant. You hoped it hurt him a bit, not sitting next to you. The entire time he’s been dating Floris you’ve been discarded. It wasn’t even until today, after prompting from Floris, that he talked to you. Maybe he felt guilty for leaving you and didn’t want to see what happened to you as a result. If that were the case, he was being weak.

Class dragged on and on. While there’s infinite halfway points, according to Zeno, it appeared the same for this lecture. You groaned loud enough for the professor to call on you.

“I’m sorry my lecture is boring you. Shall we wake up and play a trivia game?” the professor asked the class.

That woke up the class. Everyone was always willing to play a game rather than listen to a professor drone on and on, despite this professor being a very animated one. Class finished up with everyone playing the game. You tried the same strategy for leaving the room as when you tried to leave the cafeteria earlier. Quickly.

You made it out the door and down the hallway, heading for your dorm instead of your next class. Skipping one class wouldn’t hurt your grade too much. Besides, you really needed to get away from Aemond.

“Hey,” a voice called out.

You picked up the pace.

“Hey!”

You closed your eyes and sped up again. You didn’t want to see him, you didn’t want to talk to him. Once you opened the door to leave the building you sped off into a sprint. Tears were coming and you couldn’t stop them. You couldn’t let Aemond see them, as well. So, you went where you could only think of. Jace’s dorm.

“Wait up! Please! I want to talk!”

You shook your head. So close. You could see Jace leaving his dorm.

“Jace!” you yelled.

Jace looked up to see you running at him full force. He looked confused but when he saw Aemond speed walking behind you, he instantly understood. Opening his arms, you barreled straight into him.

“He’s following me. He wants to talk, Jace, and I don’t know if I can do it.” Tears were streaming down your face now.

“Do you want me to make him go away?”

Do I really want him to go away?

You nodded your head yes. Just for once, you didn’t want to be near Aemond Targaryen.

Jace cupped your face with his hands. “I’m going to kiss you.”

“Okay.”

He leaned down and captured your lips in a gentle kiss. It wasn’t rushed, it wasn’t awkward. It was simply nice. When the two of you broke away, you leaned your forehead on his.

“He’s just standing there,” he told you.

You pulled your head away from Jace and looked behind you. Aemond was there, watching you. You were close enough to see his shoulders fall but you could almost see something break inside him.

It was almost the end of the semester and nothing had changed. You and Jace were still “dating” and Aemond and Floris were still together. Floris would try to say hi to you and join you and Jace at meals but Aemond always pulled her away. It was clear he didn’t want anything to do with you.

Maybe it’s for the best.

Both of you were hurting, even though you didn’t know why he was. He should be happy. He was rid of you and had Floris.

“Hey, Jace,” you began. “I don’t think we need to fake date anymore.”

“You sure?” Jace looked at you with concern written all over his face.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m just… I’m tired, you know?” Everything was tiring nowadays. “We leave for winter break next week. There’s no reason to keep it up,” you said mainly to yourself.

“...Okay. If you say so. Should we make a big deal out of breaking up?”

“Nah, I’m not eager for anyone to really care.”

“You mean you’re not eager for Aemond to care.”

You pinned him with a sharp look. “Shut up.”

“Look, as much as I’ve enjoyed pissing him off, it’s obviously doing something more to both of you. I know you and I didn’t get off on the best foot but I do care about you, as a friend, you know.” Jace took a breath. “Why don’t you talk to him?”

“It hurts. It hurts too much.”

Jace gave you a small smile. “You can do it. If anything, you can wait until after winter break; start new, you know?”

“Yeah, I like that idea.” You returned his smile with one of your own. “Thank you, Jace, really.”

You ended the semester without saying so much as goodbye to Aemond. You left quickly and quietly. Winter break wasn’t anything to be excited about. It was nice to be with family but that was it. Some old friends visited and they were able to help take your mind off of Aemond but he was always there. No matter what you did, all you could think about was Aemond. You wondered what Aemond was doing on his break. Was he with Floris? Was he with family? 

You still cried frequently. You’ve been crying on and off since Aemond chased you and you ran to Jace. The tears should’ve stopped by now but they haven’t. It’s gotten to the point where you expected yourself to cry almost every night. It was normal now. At least the second semester would be a new start.

Spring semester began and you hoped to turn over a new leaf. You found Jace after you moved in.

“Hey, stranger,” you greeted him.

“You look a lot better than when I last saw you.” He pulled you into a hug.

“I feel a lot better. New semester, new me, right?”

“If that’s what you need to tell yourself, yeah.”

The two of you continued talking, catching up on the month and a half you were away from each other. Jace spent his break with his family, his whole family, including his adoptive dad. Apparently his family was a little confusing as well. His mom had an affair with a coworker and she got pregnant with Jace, but it was all okay. The guy she had Jace, and her two other children, with died in a tragic fire but her husband was quick to adopt and love them all the same.

You and Jace decided to eat dinner at the cafeteria, as sad as the food could be. Joking around and laughing, you were having a great time. Until he showed up. Jace was in the middle of telling a story about Luke and Joffrey when he stopped mid sentence.

“Jace? What’s wrong?” You were confused.

Someone cleared their throat behind you. You turned around and froze. It was him. Aemond Targaryen.

“Hey, can we talk?” Aemond looked directly at you.

You glanced at Jace and he gave you a reassuring nod. “Yeah, sure.”

You stood, urging Aemond to follow you to a spot against the wall.

“So..” you started.

“I broke up with her,” the words flew out of his mouth.

“You - what?”

“I broke up with Floris. You were right, I was pulling away from you because of her and I didn’t like that. She never tried to get me away from you, she wanted me to still be friends with you, but I found myself being scared of that for some reason. Instead, I plastered myself next to her. I found, I don’t know, some kind of structure when I was with her? Order? It was nice but it wasn’t as nice when I was hanging out with you.”

“And how did… Floris,” you still hated to say her name, “take it?”

“She said it was okay, surprisingly.”

“And now?”

“And now I want to be with you. I fucked up. I fucked up so badly. I left you when I shouldn't have. Being scared of being close to you is no excuse for how I treated you,” he sighed. “And I want you, I really want you. All of you.”

“How do I know you're not going to leave me? I don't know if I could take you leaving me again.”

“You'll just have to trust me.”

“Trust you? Trust you with my heart?”

“Yes. And I will cherish it and take of you and I will always be by your side. Please.”

“...I'll think about it.” You had already made up your mind but he didn't need to know that right now.

“Well, what about you and Jace?”

“Me and Jace? We’re fine. We broke up, too. No bad feelings between us, just figured we’d be better as friends,” you shrugged. You weren’t going to tell him it was all fake.

Yet.

There was a comfortable silence.

“Have you thought about it?”

“Maybe you should ask me properly so you can get the full answer” you teased.

“Let me start over then,” he cleared his throat. “Can I ask you a question?”

“You already did but sure, go ahead.”

There was a twinkle in his eye. “Will you go out with me?”

You put a hand up. “You just told me you broke up with someone, found out I broke up with someone and you immediately want to fall into a new relationship?”

“Would it be new though? There was something between us when we first met.”

“Yeah, and then you went off to date someone else.” You rolled your eyes.

“I messed up, I know that now.” He took your hand. “Give me a chance, please?”

“Wow, I don’t know. I kind of like it when you beg. Do it again and maybe I’ll say yes.”

Aemond smirked and got down on his knees. “Please, go out with me?”

“I like the sight of you on your knees.” You leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Maybe I’ll ask you to do it again when we’re in my dorm.”

He looked up at you with hope on his face. “Is that a yes?”

“Yes. Yes, Aemond, I will go out with you.”

A smile broke out when he stood up and gathered you in his arms.

“May I kiss you?” he pulled away slightly to see your face.

“I’d be a little upset if you didn’t.”

You met him halfway, leaning up to capture his mouth with yours. It was soft but there was so much emotion poured into it. It was just like what you thought it would be. His mouth moved seamlessly against yours; it was pure bliss. Aemond’s hand went around your waist to pull you closer but was stopped by someone whistling and clapping.

You broke away from the kiss, leaning forward to rub the tip of your nose with his. You looked around for the source of the whistle.

There he was, Jace standing up and clapping. “Whew! You did it! Now get a room!”

You laughed and pulled Aemond away, taking him to your dorm building. As soon as you arrived at your door, you pulled him in for another kiss, this one a little harder than the first. Somehow you got your key into the lock and let yourself fall into your room. Aemond kicked the door closed without breaking away from you.

“I have to tell you something,” you said between kisses.

“Whatever it is, it can wait. I want these clothes off you so I can get back down on my knees.”

“Fucking hell, Aemond, when you put it like - fuck.”

Aemond ran a hand up your body and cupped your breast. You arched into his touch.

“There we go,” he praised you. “It’s just you and me.”

You whimpered when he snuck both his hands under your shirt to take it off.

“No bra? What a bad girl,” he smirked as he leaned down to take a nipple in his mouth.

“Oh, fuck, Aemond. That feels good.”

“Mhm,” he hummed against you.

You backed your way to your bed and he gladly followed, briefly letting go to take his shirt off as well. Leaning back on the bed you admired his body. Aemond was toned and had a happy trail that certainly made you happy. You rose up on your knees and brought him back down in a searing kiss.

“I want all of you,” he murmured against your lips.

A hand traveled down to your core over your shorts where he gently pressed it against you. Once again, you found yourself arching into his touch.

“So responsive,” he chuckled. “I bet you’re fucking wet. Is that right?” He drew circles over your shorts before diving under them.

“Aemond,” you moaned.

“Hm?”

“I want you to touch me.”

“Baby, I am touching you. I even sucked on your nipples. You want more?”

“Yes, please.”

He brought his mouth back to your tits, sucking on one nipple while his other hand ripped your shorts.

“No panties, either? Tsk, tsk, tsk, you’re really a bad girl.” He dipped his fingers into your core. “I was right, you’re fucking soaked.”

Aemond pumped you full with his fingers. You couldn’t help but moan and find a rhythm with him. When he took his fingers out you frowned. He brought them to your mouth.

“Suck,” he commanded.

You did as he said, tasting yourself on him. You released his fingers with an obscene pop.

“Now it’s time for me to eat that pussy of yours. Spread your legs wide, baby.”

You immediately did what you were told. The air was cold against your core but Aemond was quick to remedy that. He kissed his way up your thighs, never really going where you wanted him.

“Aemond, please,” you begged.

You felt his smile against your thigh.

“Don’t be such a tease - oh!”

His tongue flicked your clit and pleasure surged through your body. He ate you like a man starved. When he stuck one finger in you, you moaned; when he added a second and third, you arched into him; when he found that special spot inside you, you screamed.

Aemond was quick to cover your mouth with his hand and lifted his head up briefly. “Quiet, baby, we don’t want to get caught, do we? Or maybe the thought of that excites you.”

He went back to your drenched pussy, licking and sucking everything he could.

“Fucking hell, Aemond. Please, I need you inside me!”

“As you wish,” he said against your thigh.

He gave you one last kiss before slipping off his pants and underwear.

Fuck, he’s big.

Your eyes widened at his size and your mouth watered. You wanted, no, needed him inside you.

“I have an IUD, so don’t worry if you come inside me,” you told him.

“Oh, now I’m excited.” He gave you a wicked grin.

Aemond lined himself up with you and rubbed his cock against your slit. Fuck, it felt so good. He slowly pushed himself into you. It was pure bliss. He was so big but you took him in.

“There we go. What a good girl,” he praised. “You feel so fucking good.”

All you could do was nod. You didn’t trust yourself to form coherent words.

He started pumping into you, picking up the pace when you matched a rhythm with him. Aemond leaned forward, holding himself just above you, and pressed his forehead against yours.

“Fuck, this feels so right. You were made for me.”

After a few more thrusts he pulled out of you and you whined.

“On your hands and knees, baby. I want that ass in the air.”

You turned over on your stomach and shook your ass for him. When he slapped it a moan slipped out.

“You like it when I spank you? I’ll keep that in mind for next time.” He rubbed the spot he smacked you and then kissed it.

“You have such a beautiful ass. Fuck, and your pussy. All for me.”

As he sank his cock deep into you, you almost screamed. This angle was so much better, you could feel all of him. You rocked back to meet him with each thrust. Aemond’s breathing was becoming ragged and you could feel yourself near your peak. He brought a hand around to play with a nipple.

“Touch your clit for me,” he ordered.

You were quick to do as he said. It brought you closer to your orgasm and it felt so damn good.

“Aemond, you’re gonna make me come!”

“Hold onto it baby, I want you to come with me.”

He started rutting against you hard, each thrust becoming more and more erratic. You never let up on rubbing your clit. You were squeezing him hard. You knew you were close. You knew he was close.

“Fuck, fuck, baby. Come with me,” he almost begged.

“FUCK!” you came hard squeezing his cock as he spilled himself inside you.

Aemond collapsed on top of you, breathing hard. For a few minutes the two of you just lay there together in pure bliss. He kissed your cheek before sliding himself out of you and rolling over to the side.

“So, how do you like dating me so far?” he asked.

“Oh, shut up, asshole.” You playfully swatted him.

“Come on,” he got off the bed and held out a hand for you. “Let’s shower so we can sleep.”

“Together? Already?” You gasped dramatically.

“Yes.” He pinched you when you stood up and took his hand.

As you started up the shower, Aemond came up and hugged you from behind. “You said earlier you needed to tell me something?”

“Oh, yeah, that. Please don’t get mad at me,” you laughed.

He gave you a skeptical look.

“Jace and I were never dating. It was all fake. I did it to piss you off.”

Aemond buried his head in your neck. “You can be such a snake,” he chuckled. “But I’m glad it was fake. I hated the thought of you being with him.”

“And now I’m yours.” You kissed his cheek.

“And now you’re mine.” He stepped away and pulled you into the shower.

“Promise me you won’t leave me again?” you asked after a few moments under the water.

“Never again, I promise.”

[jaeyunluvbot]

[ RECKLESS DRIVING ! ]

chapter twelve. dinner date

𝜗𝜚 You and Jake arrived at the restaurant after a short drive, talking and listening to music the whole way. You found his music taste endearing and appreciated how similar it was to your own. You also found his singing adorable. He'd look over at you every so often to make sure you were enjoying it too.

The two of you were seated at a semi-secluded booth, with Jake taking charge of looking over the menu and deciding what to order. As he looked over the menu, you looked at him, noticing just how stunning he looked in the dim restaurant lighting. When he finally decided on what to order and the waiter came over to take the order, he turned his full attention to you, asking about your day and work.

You blushed slightly under the feeling of his eyes on you, hoping it wasn't noticeable, especially since you couldn't blame it on the cold this time. "You look so cute today, Y/N." He offered you a compliment after a moment of silence, desperately wanting to talk more.

"Thanks, Jake, you look good too," you replied, feeling a little flutter in your heart at his kind words.

"So tell me about soccer, isn't your season almost over?" you asked, not wanting to come off as awkward or standoffish with your short response to his compliment.

"Yeah, we have a few games left, then maybe playoffs if we do well for the rest of the season." Jake smiles and you can tell he's passionate about his sport.

"I'm sure you guys will do well. I don't know too much about soccer, but from what I've seen, you guys are an amazing team." You gave him a quick thumbs up and he giggled. Internally, you were dying from the sound that just escaped his mouth, but externally you didn't show it.

"Now I wanna know about you. I feel bad that we never talked before the other day."

You laughed. "Ok, I'm an elementary education major, my favorite color is pink, and, ummm, I can't really think of anything else."

"Elementary education? How'd you pick that? Not that there's anything wrong with it, of course!" He backpedaled quickly, not wanting you to think he's judging your chosen course of study.

"I just really enjoy working with kids and I know how a good teacher can impact a student's life, so I wanted to be able to do something like that, you know?"

He agreed and stated that he admires people who can work with kids, claiming they stress him out. You agreed, but said that the pros outweigh the cons.

Time passed and the two of you talked more, generally getting to know each other as you ate. The atmosphere was pleasant and calm, filled with a soft happiness that emanated from both of you. Once the bill was paid and the meal was finished, and you and Jake headed back out to his car, you felt a hint of sadness that your time together was ending.

"So I know you only agreed to dinner, but would it be too much to go to an arcade or something? I know a really fun one close to here," Jake said, making your heart flutter once again.

"That sounds fun, but don't you have practice tomorrow morning? I don't want you to be too tired..." you said hesitantly.

"Yeah, but it'll be fine. I'm not even tired yet, plus it's only 10:15, so I can still get a good amount of sleep later."

"Then let's go."

He grinned and gave you a high five. "You're the best." 𝜗𝜚

𝜗𝜚 author's note - y/n getting hate we DO NOT love to see it, but i needed to add some drama so i can make myself sad. ignore if the writing is shitty it's 6 am and i haven't slept. like and leave a comment pretty please.

𝜗𝜚 taglist - @jakesaverse @haechansbbg @n1k1mura @dreamiestay @lilifiedeans @rikisly @nctsshoes2 @dojaejunging @noobgod1269 @bluxjun @soobieboobiedoobiedaboobie

[thrashkink-coven]

I worship Inanna, Lucifer, and Aphrodite as the most powerful and greatest Gods, yes even beyond Ra and El and Ashirat and everything. I know that’s a bold fucking claim but I’ll explain why.

As glorious and incredibly divine and powerful as Gods like Ra and Ashirat and the primordial creators are, and as much as I respect, love and honour them immensely, my personal connections to the Gods come from my perspective as a human being. To us, the most powerful and influential force in the entire universe is Love. It is why Cupid’s arrows will always be more powerful than Apollon’s. Love is the primary motivation behind anything a human has ever done, created, or nurtured, beyond the basic instinct to survive. As soon as you transition from a state of being a human to a person, you become a slave to the Goddess of love.

Even if you’ve never experienced carnal love, romance, even if you never had a family to love familially, if you’ve never had a friend or a pet, you’ve still fallen in love in secret ways a million times. When I wake up in the morning and decide to wear something, it’s because I love myself. Or at least, I love some idea of what I am beyond what is essential to my survival. I add a little bit of icing sugar to my pancakes because I love the way it tastes when I do that. I draw a picture of a flower, because for some reason I loved it enough to study its petals. I wanted to remember it as it looked in that exact moment. I took a picture of a worm I saw on the sidewalk. I didn’t know it at the time, but I loved it too. I have music preferences, a favourite color, a favourite pair of pants, and they are all mine because I fell in love at one point or another.

I had a stuffed bear when I was a kid, and I loved her for some reason. I gave her a name, I even gave her a gender, and I called her my friend. But one day I had to take a bath and I decided to bring her into the bath with me because I didn’t want to stop playing with her. She got water logged and I think my mom threw her away, and I mourned her. Love is like a sin to the ones that feel it the most.

Every lasting grudge in human history was formed out of love. Because nobody believes that everyone loves everyone else as much as they do. I feel like I love my partner more than anyone has ever loved in the history of the universe. And yet I know that everyone loves something or someone as much as I love him. If someone hurt him, I would never stop hating them. If someone killed him, I would kill them, and the person who loved them would want to kill me. That is why the Goddess of Love is the Goddess of War. The height of my love is the depth of my hatred.

Because humans are social creatures and we love each other in order to love ourselves. Because love gifts us with the highest bliss and the deepest mourning. Because I would shrivel and waste away if my lover wasn’t with me. Just with me, beside me. That’s all I need.

Everything that has ever lasted maintained itself because someone loved it enough to create it. The pyramids, ancient temples of worship to Gods that were loved, adored. Markings on the bark of a tree that promise that two people were there, and loved each other. Every trinket at the thrift store, from the dog wearing a dress to the ceramic angel, that mug with that old man’s face on it, were made by a human that loved something enough to make art in its image. Whoever felt so strongly about a girl that their words turned into lyrics and their yearning turned into symphonies.

Humans are slaves to the power of love. When the end of the world comes and everything is done, we will embrace each-other dearly as if we were all that ever mattered, and we’d be content with that.

I champion the heralds of love because I am forever in dept to them. How incredibly lucky I am to have been born as a creature that can experience her bliss. How foolish and drunk I am on her infinite pleasures. How cruel it is of her to erect the most wonderful place in the universe between the arms of my lover, knowing that one day those arms will return to dirt, and hopefully, hopefully, I will still be in them.

Lucifer is the harbinger of Venus, and i love that so much. He ushers in her presence and does so with the fire of rebellion on his wings. What does it mean to love oneself more than any rule or doctrine? Or to love knowledge and self discovery? No wonder the angel of the rebellion is the harbringer of the Goddess of Love and War. The one who screams “Love is here! Love is here! She is more powerful than any system, any rule, any law, she is stronger than the mightiest warrior. She is loud! She is quiet! She always saves the day. I am proof of that.”

Lucifer tells us that even if we are not lucky enough to love and be loved by others, if we can love ourselves, we will always be free.

That is why I say that Venus is the greatest God. That is why I chose Lucifer to be my patron and why I express my loyalty to them above all others. Without her I could not have loved all those other Gods I adore. Without her they would be nothing to me, because I would be nothing to me.

You are the greatest God, Inanna. I will forever be your loyal devotee.

[ros3kill3r]

angsty & regulus’ death || the letter remus received from one his best friends || part 3 of 7

~*~*~*~*~*~

~*Remus Lupin*~

It was darker than usual outside, the stars were glittering brighter than ever and even though Remus would usually feel a sense of comfort at the sight, tonight it brought him a stab of anguish in his gut instead. So troublesome in fact that Remus couldn’t even read his book normally. Well, the book Regulus gave him, at-least.

He huffed, slamming the book shut after re-reading the same sentence over a hundred times. He stared out the bedroom window, glaring at the sky. What the fuck are you up to? He spoke to no one at all. Something wasn’t right, he was sure of it! But what?

He drank his tea and made a face at the cold liquid running down his throat, he had left it out for too long. He was home alone tonight, his parents had left him isolated in the house because of his furry little problem happening in a few days. He’ll admit, he was feeling a bit frustrated at nearly everything, but being alone did help considerably.

His brows scrunched at a sudden pecking noise coming from the window near the front door. Placing his cup down, he made his way out of his room and down the corridor, his mismatched socks sliding against the hardwood floor. He walked towards the window and each step he took his gut seemed to sink deeper and deeper into misgiving. He snatched the curtain and raised a brow at the black owl. Ah, Regulus sent me a letter? He thought before pulling open the window and letting the owl hop in.

Its long claws clicked against the window-sill, the envelope on its leg fluttering slightly from the light breeze. Remus wasted no time in grabbing the tiny rope binding the paper to the owl’s leg. At the first slight touch, his gut did yet another stab of concern. The owl flapped its wings, and took off into the bright sky, and Remus watched it all the way till its miniature figure disappeared.

He looked down at the letter in his hands, and the corners of his lips twitched at the confirmation that yes, this is from Reg. He walked back to his room, shutting the door and flopping back down onto his bed, getting cozy before flicking at the stamped wax, tearing it open and pulling out the unusually long letter. His brows clenched together and his eyes squinted. He usually doesn’t write this much.

He cleared his throat with a shake of his head, unfolding the letter, and he read.

______________________

08/01/79

To the biggest nerd ever,

If you have received this letter, I am dead. I have told Kreacher to send out all of my letters if I don’t make it back. In all honesty, I always knew I wouldn’t make it back, but I foolishly kept my hopes up. I kept my hopes up that if I went on just a day longer, things would change. But they didn’t. To make sure you read this letter, I have sent an owl to accompany it and bring it to the receiver.

Read the book I recommended yet? It was good, right? When I first read it, their dynamic reminded me of us. I’ll admit that when we first started talking I had forced myself to hate you because you liked my brother, but I couldn’t bring myself to. We had a connection that was so different from that of my friends and I. As much as I love them and how different we all are, you were the only one that was so similar to me.

Our book club with Lily were some of the best memories I had. I always looked forward to that time of the day, and I felt at home with the both of you. It upsets me that I’ll never experience that ever again, and neither will you two, but this was bound to happen wasn’t it? It was written in the history books.

I don’t know if my brother will read the letter I sent him, I don’t know if he’ll continue hating me, but if he continues to talk nonsense about me can you tell him? Tell him to read the letter I sent him? I don’t want to still have him lost from me even after death Rem, he’s one of the only family I have left.

I have one wish before I die; if you ever happen to stumble across my friends, show them respect. I want to witness the people I love most showing some form of affection for each other. Will you do that for me? No point in asking, I know you Remus, and I know you will do as I wish.

Thank you for the books you have given me, I’ve kept them in my room under my bed if you ever wish to retrieve them one day, and yes I had read them all, they were amazing of course. I’ve sent a letter to James and Lily, you should go check on them after this.

Thank you for being like a twin brother to me, thank you for providing me with the best memories that I’m grateful to die with, thank you for allowing Siri to tell me your secret, thank you for letting me comfort you before full moons. Thank you Moony, for everything.

Maybe in another life we’ll all be able to grow old together with our friends and the love of our lives. Maybe in another life we’ll be rebirthed as actual twins, and our friendship won’t be considered forbidden. I face death with the hope that you will all live long and healthy lives, and if not, I fill myself with yet another foolish hope that when we all die, we’ll be reunited.

Never forget us Moons, and remember me until you can’t.

R.A.B.

______________________

Remus threw the letter aside, fresh tears dribbling out of his eyes and down his scarred cheeks. He ran out of his bedroom and all the way to the front door, hastening to shove his feet into his shoes and fumbling with the door handle before managing to slam it open, sobs wracking through his body. The door banged shut behind him, and without locking it, he ran straight forward–and with a swish of his body, he apparated.

Being met face to face with the front door of James Potter’s and his boyfriend’s house, he finally felt the fierce surge of bereavement crash into his build. Trying not to collapse to the ground with mourning, Remus creeped his way towards the wooden entrance, clutching his stomach with the torturous feeling of loss. The loss of a best friend, the loss of a misunderstood soul, the loss of someone he could’ve called a brother.

He raised his trembling knuckles, and threw thunder after thunder of fists against the door, until he was met with the face of Sirius Black. And then, he allowed himself to shatter.

4 years later, Remus Lupin began to forget Regulus Black.

~*~*~*~*~*~

[xoxoxkisses]

Hello your fics are amazing! is it okay if i request a muichiro x reader aged up ykyk (NSFW if you're comfy enough!)so apparently, the reader was insecure because she kind of hated her body even though she always gets complimented by the others. She's overthinking because she knows that theres a lot of more pretty and delicate girls that muichiro might like. Muichiro finds out about it and comforts her the reader won't still believe not until muichiro made her feel that way. thank you so much

hi! I can ofc do this, although it’s not super nsfw, I did add a little bit into it! I hope you like it!

————————————————————————

Insecurities

Warnings: fingering, eating you (iykyk),orgasm, reader talks about insecurities, fem reader, both reader and muichiro are aged up appropriately, slight cussing.

a/n: I did decide to write this in first person because I wanted to try to do something a little different. If you guys would want more first person fics lmk! ————————————————————————

I had been feeling down for the past few weeks about my body and looks. Every time I went out for a walk, there was always someone 10x prettier than me. I was dating the Mist Hashira, Muichiro. We’ve been dating for around 3 years. I always felt like he could do way better than me, but lately I’ve been thinking about it a lot more.

I walked into our shared estate, when I walked in, Muichiro was tending to the few plants in the house. The sound of my footsteps made him look up. “Hey love.” He would tell me every time i walked through those doors. “Hi.” I smiled slightly at him. “Are you okay?” Those 3 words kind of shook me. “Yes I’m fine.” I brushed him off and went to our room to grab some comfier clothes. I decided to grab my baggiest shirt and pants. I walked out and noticed Muichiro making lunch. He turned towards me, i could tell he knew something was up. “Y/n, are you sure you’re okay? I mean for one, you’re wearing warm clothes when it’s summer.” I went to sit at our table, “Yes I promise I’m okay, and these are my comfy clothes.” I huffed at him jokingly.

He laughed slightly at what I said, although I could still tell he didn’t fully believe me. As he set the food down, I couldn’t help but think how good he looked. He really deserved someone better. I got compliments a lot. From girls mostly, but I’ve gotten some from guys too. Not that it mattered. However, they didn’t make me feel better, I always thanked them and brushed it off. I never let their words sink in. *snap snap* I looked up and saw Muichiro snapping his fingers at me. “Helloooo earth to Y/n. Are you okay?” I jumped, “Ah! I’m okay.” I smiled at him and thanked him for the food. I tried eating as much as I could, but I always thought to myself: if you eat you’re going to get bigger, he doesn’t need a gf your size, you’re already too big for him.

I stopped eating for a while. I told Muichiro I was full and had ate earlier. I excused myself and went to our room. I knew he was worried about me, he always is. I decided to run a warm bath to help me relax. When I got in, I closed my eyes. I must’ve dozed off a bit because I opened my eyes when I felt the water rippling. Two large arms wrapped around me in a big hug. “Y/n, love, I know you’re not okay. I just want you to tell me what’s going on and talk to me. Please.” It broke my heart hearing him say this. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want him to feel pity on me. I shook my head at him. I didn’t want to face him. I couldn’t face him.

He got out shortly after and went to get changed. Then he came back and got me out. “Uh Muichiro, what are you doing?” I was startled by his sudden actions. “Getting you out so we can talk properly.” His reply sent chills down my spine.

He gave me one of his shirts and a pair of my shorts. The two of us sat on the bed, his hand on mine. “Y/n, please tell me what’s wrong.” Something about the way he looked at me made something inside snap. Before I knew it, I was rambling to him about everything. How I hated my body, how i felt like he deserved better. Everything. When i was done, tears were streaming down my face. Muichiro said nothing, instead he pulled me into a hug. “I’m so glad you talked to me.” I hugged him back, burying my face in his neck.

“I know a way to make you feel better.” He told me as he pulled away. “How?” I was curious, I didn’t know what he meant. He just smiled at me. The look in his eyes full of lust. Suddenly I knew what he meant. “Oh!” I said as the shock of realization hit. “O-okay.” I let him take the lead, lying me down and taking my shorts off. I gave him full consent to do whatever he wanted. As he took them off, he tapped my thigh twice, telling me to open up. So I did. He looked at me and back down, as if asking if it was okay. I nodded and that’s all it took. He instantly went down and started licking and sucking, eating me out as if I was his last meal. “Shit” I threw my head back, how was he so good at this?

He grabbed my hand and put it in his hair. “If you need to, pull my hair. I can take it I promise.” Something about the way he looked into my eyes sent me into a spiral. I nodded and he went back to doing what he was doing originally. My hand instantly flew to his hair. “ ‘s so good Mui!” He was way too good at this. I was a moaning mess. As if it couldn’t get better, he slid two fingers inside. “Ah Muichiro!” My hips bucked towards him, the pleasure was too much. I felt a knot in my stomach. As he kept going it felt like it was going to snap. His finger hit a specific spot as he sucked at my clit and it snapped. It felt like a wave pulling me underwater. He pulled his fingers out and licked up my release as if he was licking me clean. As he pulled away I let out a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding. He came up and kissed me, hard. I tried to reciprocate the kiss but I was out of it. When he pulled back, I tried to get my shorts. He knocked my hand away. “You really think we’re done after that?” Oh no. ————————————————————————

I woke up feeling two arms around me, and a soreness between my legs. Last night is so hazy. I tried to get up but as soon as I stood up I fell. It must’ve woke Muichiro up because shortly his face was over the bed. He laughed at me. “Ummm a little help please?” I laughed too holding a hand out. Instead, he came over and picked me back up and placed me on the bed. I made a face at him and he chuckled, he came back to bed and cuddled me some more. Shortly, we both fell back asleep.

[velvet-games]

I wrote a random draft for a radiostatic ficlet on the car a couple days ago; still having problems with it but might publish to ao3 if it gets better.

for context, this is part of the same universe as favorite/most of my art. vox leaves the vees and is working at the hotel now; he and alastor have repaired their friendship at this point and are hurtling toward that liminal queerplatonic "what are we" stage.

“Oh, this hotel venture truly has been an inspiration, hasn’t it, Vox?” Alastor twirled around Vox’s office, nearly smashing his screen in with the microphone several times. “Romance, betrayal, existential revelations about the ontology of the universe; it has everything!”

“You say that like you’re not part of the romance, betrayal, and existential revelations about the ontology of the universe,” Vox said, narrowly missing another hit. 

“Oh, I don’t mind being a part of the show! I play the best character after all, haha!” Alastor finally set the microphone down, much to Vox’s relief. “I’ve never felt the rivers of creative ambrosia flow through my veins quite the way they do now! Every broadcast has been a hit!” Raucous applause permeated the air, occasional whoops breaking through. He gave one more twirl and a bow that almost caused him to topple over. Vox smiled faintly. Silly, he thought.

“Glad you’re having fun, buddy; now can I get back to work?” Vox sighed, feeling a little sick. He sat heavily in his chair before turning toward the wall of screens currently dotted with shining logos and random livestreams. 

The applause cut off abruptly. “Hm? Why, friend, you look even bluer than usual,” he said. “Say, why don’t you start drawing again? That used to cheer you right up. It’ll be just like old times! Me, inspired to orchestrate the best broadcasts Hell has ever seen; you, with your mediocre pictures that made you ever so happy for some inexplicable reason!”

Vox froze. “I … can’t.”

“Sure you can; why not?” Alastor replied steadily. “You used to do it all the time.”

Vox looked up, shoulders tense. “Alastor, that was decades ago.” His voice was quiet and monotone, like it was trying to avoid any spots that may contain emotions.

“You started tinkering again.”

“That’s different.”

“How so?”

“It just is.”

The static in Alastor’s voice dimmed, and he pulled out a pen. “Just try.”

Vox stared at it blankly. “... What if I can’t do it anymore? What if I’m bad at it?” Alastor had to lean in to hear him.

“Then be bad at it.”

“You literally make fun of me for being bad at things all the time. You called my ‘pictures’ mediocre 30 seconds ago.”

“Is your ego really so fragile?" Alastor sighed. "I won’t make fun of you this time.”

“Why not?”

“This is different.”

“How so?”

“It just is.”

Vox shook his head, voice finally cracking and filling with static. “It’s gone, I can’t … it’s not – I’ll just know that I failed. That I let myself lose it.”

Vox tried to turn away, but Alastor gripped the sides of his screen and pulled his face close. “Or you could find it again. You could find that part of yourself and the world and remember what it feels like to be alive. You’ll be alive, even here. How will you know if you don’t put pen to paper?” Alastor’s eyes shone. “I’ll do it with you.”

Vox laughed abruptly, voice wet. “You suck at drawing. And you hate being bad at things.”

“I was terrible at everything before I was good at them,” Alastor said. “I’ll be bad at things for you. We can be bad at it together. We can love it together.”

Vox’s face wobbled a bit. He took the pen. “Okay.”

****

The first few sketches sucked ass. After that, it was like Vox had never stopped. 

Alastor looked up from his shaky doodles of Niffty and a woman with a scar on her cheek. “You’re only drawing me.”

Vox felt his screen heat up. “I like drawing you.��

“Of course; I’m a lovely muse. But you should check if anything else is interesting.”

Sharks were pretty interesting. But after filling a page with hammerheads and a Blahaj plush, Vox went right back to Alastor: those big doe eyes, the curve of his slightly upturned nose, the curl that always covered his cheek …

Alastor glanced over again, but he only smiled softly this time. His doodles were starting to include a little box with antennae and shark teeth. 

****

“FUCK!” Vox yelled from the other room. 

“What is it, darling?” Alastor called. He set his book on the coffee table. 

Vox stomped into the lobby with a rolled up sleeve and the biggest frown Alastor had ever seen. “I think I gave myself carpal tunnel. Some-fucking-how.”

Alastor blinked. “You’ve been drawing in your room for at least four hours a day every day for the last three months. You’re also never fully charged because you refuse to let that interfere with your sixteen-hour work days. You really didn’t expect sickness or injury?”

“I–” Vox looked genuinely indignant for a moment before his eyes went unfocused, probably checking the footage of himself drawing he had stored. “O-Oh. But I meant, like, I forgot this body even had a median nerve that could get fucked up.” Alastor shrugged, and Vox flopped unceremoniously onto the couch. “What now?”

“Well, I’m afraid there is more to life than drawing. You should join my broadcast tonight; we can discuss your woes in detail.”

“Ugh, shut up. You’re just as grumpy when your voice gives out and you have to pretend you have a super important emergency errand instead of admitting you sound like you’ve been smoking since age five.”

“That wasn’t a no.”

Vox frowned again. “Mmmmgghhhhhhhhfine. But you’re learning to paint next time you lose your voice.” 

The broadcast went well that night. 

-----

oh, the woes of loving something and getting really good at it and other people expecting you to be good at it and then getting distracted by other things and losing that skill and feeling like you've missed out on your potential but also thinking about it puts a pit in your stomach because every day you wait to start doing it again the more your skill deteriorates and maybe it's not worth it to start again at all but you miss it so much and it used to be a part of you and maybe now you're missing a part of yourself--

anyway. I think my biggest worry rn is about the pacing + vox/alastor's voice. I keep forgetting what vox's voice sounds like, and I kept imagining alastor's pilot voice, which is maybe a little too unhinged for this fic lol.

[ganondoodle]

i cant lie, im also beating myself up about not being able to get excited for the new game, or anything anymore it seems, while it can be fun to criticise things, some things you just dont like so badly that the frustration knowing it could be so much better but isnt and you not able to change it outweighs any fun- i dont like being a 'hater', i hate totk, but not bc i hate zelda but bc i LOVE it and want it to be better (though im starting to doubt my ability to do anything good with it too..)

and with the new game trailer (like, i still hope its better than im fearing rn) i feel similarly as when the next totk trailers dropped after the first one (which DID excite me), all of them gave me a sense of dread bc it seemed to go into a direction i wouldnt like, i tried to tone that voice down to enjoy the game, but then .. i was right

i dont want to be an annoying complainer about everything new, but maybe i am and i dont like that thought, i dont want to spoil anyones fun, i want to partake in it :(

[the80srewinders]

I've kept this in for a very long time, but with endos continuously attacking us, and with "the future is plural" getting more popular, I have to say this.

an open letter to endos and their supporters.

fuck you endos for making me jealous of you for having a "perfect" and "cool" system origin. fuck you for making me feel like I wasn't special bc I have DID and making me feel "shattered by trauma"

every day I wished I was an endo so I could be cool and have a system origin with no toxic people, not knowing y'all were the toxic ones, then when I'd see signs I'd be in an internal war with myself because y'all hide behind the "acceptance" disguise and make it seem like anti endos were toxic bullies

because of y'all, I hated anti endos and wished bad shit on them. I thought they deserved their trauma for being bullies, I will live with that guilt forever because of you.

because of y'all, I felt like my trauma wasn't real or not severe enough for DID/osdd, and feared I was endo and "not valid" because anti endos rightly called out endos as fake and after I became anti endo, I felt this fear even worse. this time, I felt like I was delusional and like my alters and trauma were delusions. i fear being a trauma faker and a disorder faker because of y'all.

because of y'all I have felt so much mental pain, anger, and had internal wars because y'all divided the online plural community and made it pure hell to be in. I hated being a system bc of y'all. the whole reason I got tired of the plural community and thought it was toxic is because of y'all.

endos and your supporters, you fucked me up for good in ways that can't be reversed. you gave me yet another fear, and more intrusive thoughts than I already had before I even knew what being "plural" was. it's because of y'all discovering my system has made my mental health worse.

all this shit about myself aside, y'all overstep dnis, steal tags and mock tags, flags and more by anti endos, mock trauma survivors and spread misinformation about DID and OSDD when theres already too much.

fuck you all. you're all just ableist pieces of shit.

[unsoundedcomic]

the writing in the pages from these last weeks has been really beautiful, and i'm not just saying that because i'm distracted by the hot bird lady with great boobs! your sense of each of the character's personal vocabulary is so good, i feel like i lose myself in the exchanges between the different characters every time i reread different chapters in the comic, especially conversations like this one. how do you keep track of all the characters' voices as you write them?

Aww, thanks so much, man. I know people tend to hate lore dumps and lots of exposition and monologuing, so I at least tried to make it pleasant to read <3

No keeping track of voices required. The characters really speak for themselves. Many years of online RP gave me the knack; I can switch voices like switching underwear. Sometimes I'll do a little reading before hand if I really want to get deep into it though. Melville for Duane, Twain for Sette.

[sturnrry]

Try Again - C.S

summary: Chris goes to Y/n's apartment without her knowledge to try and win her back

cw: angst, cursing, slight fluff

word count: 1.9k

masterlist | read part 1 here

-----------------------------------------------

It's been six months since Y/n broke up with Chris. She's hung out with both Matt and Nick here and there and it always seems like nothing has changed. A lot has happened over the past six months. She stayed with her best friend for the first month while she tried to recover from everything, and find the perfect apartment for herself.

At the end of the first month, she signed the lease.

Her new apartment is perfect. It has open living room with easy access to the kitchen. She loved that her apartment had many windows letting the natural sunlight come in. Her bedroom was something she loved. Back at the triplets house, she couldn't decorate her bedroom the way she wanted to. Considering the fact she had to take in Chris' interests into consideration.

Over this period of time, she missed Chris although she tried to deny her thoughts, she couldn't. When she was unpacking her car (she had left mostly everything in there until she found an apartment) she had found that a hoodie of Chris' she might've accidentally grabbed.

The moment she saw her now apartment she knew it was the one. The bathroom was absolutely beautiful which she found weird. When Matt and Nick came over to her apartment for the first time, they were shocked. The apartment was so her. They both helped her settle some things in. They went shopping for home appliances like decor, pots and pans, furniture, anything you could think of, they were there.

Chris knew that his brothers were hanging out with his ex girlfriend. He felt jealous, angry, upset. For the first few months he rarely spoke to his brothers. They tried to make an effort to hang out with him as much as possible, but he rarely let it happen. When they filmed their videos he would lock his feelings away and be as normal as possible.

The public still hadn't known that they were broken up, considering the fact that they never really posted about their relationship to avoid any hate or unnecessary rumors to spread around. They still followed each other, so the fans didn't think anything was wrong.

Y/n still continued to post on her socials, while Chris would post once every few weeks. He made an effort to get his license when he visited back home. He bought a car and tried to flip his life back the right way. He tried to talk to his brothers more. He tried to post more. He tried to contact Y/n but failed to do so because he always deleted his written out message, always closed out the phone app that was opened to her contact. Always backed out from asking Matt her new address.

Chris knew she had gotten a new apartment from her apartment tour video on youtube. He always caught himself up on anything she did. There was many speculations when that video came out but she quickly shut down the rumors by saying she just wanted her own place to continue to grow as her own person.

However, it wasn't until one day that Chris grew the courage to ask Matt the one question he always wanted to. "Hey, Matt?" He says, opening the fridge to get a pepsi. "Yea?" Matt says from washing his hands in the kitchen sink. "Can you give me Y/n's address, please." He says shyly. "And why exactly would I do that?" He says, drying his hands on his pants.

"I want to see her, and explain myself. I think I'm ready." Chris says, tapping his fingers against the table. A nervous habit he has. "What makes you think she's ready? Do you think she even wants to talk to you?" Matt knows Y/n has been wanting to reach out to Chris. He just wants to see that Chris is willing to do it himself.

A couple of weeks ago when Y/n mentioned to Matt that she was willing to talk to Chris, she gave him permission to give Chris her address if he ever asked. Also wanting to see if he would make the effort to. "I would hope she wants to. It's been quite some time. Has she.. told you something?"

"She's told me something, yes." Matt nods. Chris' heart flutters, knowing that she's probably ready to see him again, and possibly give him another chance. If she didn't want to give him another chance he would be bummed out but he'd understand.

"Is she ready?" Matt nods his to Chris' question. Matt grabs Chris' phone off the counter and unlocks it with his own face and inputs Y/n's address into the maps app. "Here, go talk to her." He hands the phone back to Chris. "Thanks. I'll be back." He snatches the keys from the table and runs to the garage. Chris looks down at his phone and realizes it's only a 10 minute drive.

Ten minutes. She's been ten minutes away from him this whole time.

Pulling up to her apartment complex. His hands start to sweat. He texts Matt and asks which buzzer is hers and which apartment floor and number is hers. He replies fairly quickly. Back at home, Matt runs to Nick's room. "It's time." He says out of breath. "He went?" Nick asks as he stops blowing his nose. "Yes." Nick had cancelled his plans with Y/n because he woke up with a cold. "Let's only hope."

The boys had hated seeing how their brother had been lately and how their friend had lost some of herself.

Chris presses her buzzer and it takes about two minutes for her to buzz open the door. Going to her floor and her door he takes a minute to himself before he knocks. "Hey, Nick. I thought you-" Her words were cut off once she saw who it really was. "Chris? What are you doing here?" She's taken aback. "I- I want to talk." He stumbles over his words. "If that's okay with you? I can leave if you want me to." He rambles.

"No, we can talk. Come in." She opens the door fully and he takes in her appearance as he walk in. She's wearing one of his favorite outfits she always wore when they went out just the two of them. "I like it. Your apartment, it's very you." He breaks the awkward silence. "Thanks, do you want anything to drink?"

"Do you have pepsi?" He asks, although he had one just before coming here. "I think so." Y/n turns on her heels and walks towards her fridge. She can't help but try to suppress her smile by biting down on her bottom lip. A habit of hers. She rummages through the fridge and finds her second to last pepsi. Over the years, she also grew an addiction to pepsi thanks to Chris.

"Here you go." She closes the fridge to turn to him when she finds him admiring the view from the high rise. "Oh, thanks." He turns back. "So," "So," They both say at the same time. "How have you been?" Chris asks as he opens the can. "I've been good, yeah. I just arrived from visiting my dad back home in Chicago."

Before starting high school, she was born and raised in the city of Chicago. But, when she bagan middle school her parents weren't the same anymore. So, when their divorce was finalized her mom packed herself, Y/n and her two little siblings and moved to Massachusetts. And that's where she met the triplets on her first day of Freshman year.

When Y/n turned eighteen, she traveled many time to Chicago to visit her dad for up to a month. Her siblings were a bit jealous so they begged their mom if they were able to tag along with Y/n. "Really? How was that?" Chris asks. "It was fun, I brought Maise and Freddy along. They were here two weeks before our trip and stayed here after we came back. They left a couple of hours ago." She hops on the counter spot next to Chris while he stays standing.

"How have you been?" She asks, playing with her fingers in her lap. "I've been good, too. I got my license when I went back home, finally. Bought a car, and that's pretty much it." Y/n gasps. "Really? That's cool. You're finally able to drive yourself around without the guys tagging along." Chris nods. "It's so much better, should've gotten it sooner." They both laugh. He eventually hops on the counter next to her. With her permission.

There's a beat of silence, their thighs are touching. Y/n bites the bullet and leans her head against his shoulder. Something she almost always did. Chris automatically melts into her touch and leans his head against hers. They stay like that for a while. Their hands eventually end up in one another's hold.

Chris is the first to break the silence. "M' sorry." Y/n can't help but tear up. "No, I'm sorry. If I hadn't broken up with you we wouldn't have been in this situation." Chris furrows his eyebrows and lifts his head off of her head and she lifts her head off of his shoulder. He stares at her teary eyes as he begins to speak. "You had no other choice, baby. I was fucking- gosh, I was horrible the last weeks of our relationship."

Chris hops off the counter and stands between her legs, bringing both of her hands up to his chest. "Chris," She begins. "No, listen to me, please." He cuts her off. "I messed up. I know I did." His voice begins to quiver and he begins to tear up, making more tears spill out of her eyes. "I was horrible at communicating how I was feeling. How everything I was going through put too much on my plate."

"And you know I didn't mean any I said to you that day, right? I didn't mean a single word. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You didn't waste none of my time. None of it." He wipes the tears that are falling from her eyes to her cheeks while he is in the same situation. "I also hope you know I didn't mean anything I said to you too." She says and he nods.

"Y/n, baby, I would do anything that will give me the privilege to be able to call you mine again. Anything." He takes her hands back in his hold. "Really?" She says. "Yes, baby." Chris smiles and kisses her hands. "Do you promise to always tell me how you're feeling?" He nods. "Yes, all the time."

"Can I be your boyfriend again?" He says shyly. "Please." She nods. He wastes no time in smashing his lips against hers. "I love you." He mumbles against her lips. "I never stopped loving you."

A couple of hours have passed by, the sun set many hours ago and it was now nearing two in the morning. Chris was staying the night. As the movie played in front of them. Both Chris and Y/n get a message. Y/n picks her phone off of the coffee table and so does Chris.

It's from Nick, which he wrote in the group chat all four of you have together.

nick

it's 2 am chris isn't home yet i'm guessing everything went well?

matt

can someone respond so i can sleep soundly pls?

chris

if you're asking if we're back together, yes we are

nick

thank fuck

matt

goodnight everyone💤

y/n

haha i'll see you guys tomorrow!!

nick

bring me more tissue

"I'm guessing they were waiting for this?" Chris asks. "Guess so." Y/n turns her phone off and hugs Chris as if he'll disappear. "I love you." He says, kissing her head. "I love you." She replies.

[hwa-stars]

Skirt lifter (Chapter 4)

Genre: High-school au, slow burning love, fluff, mention of mature language (+14)

Pairing: non!idol Park Seonghwa x fem!named reader

Summary: In which Park Seonghwa is acussed of being a pervert.

Word count: 1.76k

Taglist: @dinossaurz (if anyone wants to be added to the taglist, please comment)

I flipped though the pages of the flyers in my hands and sighed tiredly. I still had a lot of them in my hands and it was 8 p.m.

I stretched my body to continue with my job, so I can go home quickly.

"You alright there?" The owner came to check on me.

"Everything alright " I give him a fake smile and he nodded.

"Let me try" Seonghwa appeared trying to snatched some flyers of my hands.

"Give it back!" I exclaimed nervously while glancing at the owner, he'd think I give my job to another person.

I still don't know why they're still here after 4 hours and they're still eating and chatting.

Seonghwa snatched my flyers and handed out to some girls who were passing by, they giggled and chat with him.

"Go and sit down love" He waved me off "I'd hate if the restaurant closed due to your lack of marketing skills."

"Hey, my marketing skills are fine." I defend myself and tried to snatched the flyers, only for him to lifted them in the air so I couldn't reach them.

"It's fine Minseo, take a break" The owner smiled at me before I can punch Seonghwa again.

I just hope that I can still keep my job.

"Don't worry, I won't fire you. Just try to bring him once a while yeah?" He whispered me as we eyed Seonghwa being surrounded by a group of girls.

Hongjoong welcomed me to their table and pull out Seonghwa's chair so I can sit, I gave in and sat down with them.

"Is he always this pretentious?" I asked as we glanced at a crouched Seonghwa letting a child play with his accessories and laughing.

"Only to those he find interesting" Wooyoung said giving me a smirk.

10 minutes later

The restaurant was packed and the flyers were gone and my mouth hung open to this.

"You were saying?" Seonghwa teased me and pulling other chair.

I didn't realize that I was in his seat, before I could stand out so he can't seat he put his hand on my shoulder.

"It's fine" he muttered me. "So, what are we doing tomorrow?"

"San just texted me, he invited us to a pool party at his house" Yunho mentioned reading his phone.

All of them shout 'yes' and I started to feeling left out, I shouldn't even been sitting with them in the first place but couldn't help but feeling some envy of them, I wish I could go out with friends.

"So, what time should I pick you up Pororo?" Seonghwa asked me.

"What?"

"Do you know San's address?" Hongjoong asked.

"No, I didn't even now know who is San."

"Then, what time I picked you up?" Seonghwa insist again and all the boys look at me waiting for my answer.

"A few reminders, I just met you" I pointed out.

"But, I have been your classmate for 2 years" Hongjoong mentioned dramatically.

"Yeah, but we never hang out and I don't even know the rest of you" I signaled the other guys. "And, two of you looked at my skirt!"

"Yes, I guess that is concerning" Wooyoung laugh hard.

"How will you get to know us if you don't agree to hang out with us?" Yunho shrugged and they nod.

"You are all strangers to me and that's danger, plus I can't"

"Why not?" Yeosang asked shyly.

"I have work tomorrow."

"Again? How many jobs do you have Pororo?" Seonghwa asked surprised.

"Just two, but I'm still looking for more" I sighed "If you know about any openings let me know."

"Why?"

"I need money" I said codly.

"It's impressive how you can juggle all" Seonghwa patted my head.

"It's admirable" Hongjoong added and the rest agreed.

☆☆☆☆☆

"Good morning" I greeted the librarian.

"Didn't get much sleep?" She asked me giving me a cozy smile and a nod my head.

I worked at the library since a year ago, its pretty easy the job just checking the students who borrowed the books and organized the books in the shelf. It worked well and get me some money and a place to study, as a scholar I need to keep my grades up or else I have to pay the regular tuition which I can't afford.

"She's Lee Minseo, she's in Hongjoong's class" I heard some girls whispering.

Why they're talking about me?

"And she dare to lay a hand on Seonghwa?" Other girls scoffed "Who does she think she is?"

"I heard she's a scholar."

"That explains her looks."

"I also heard that she lives off the campus, with his single mother. How pathetic." They laughed.

Wow, I'm surprised by her research skills they almost got my ID. I think that's what happened if you punch the stupid handsome guy and their fangirls come to defend him.

"Whatcha doing Pororo?" I jumped in surprised to listen his voice.

He was wearing a black turtle neck tucked inside his ripped jeans and a black coat with some black boots.

"Hello" Seonghwa smiled at me.

"What are you doing he-" I couldn't finish my sentence because the same girls came.

"Seonghwa!" They shouted.

"Hi Karina and Bora" Seonghwa waved at the girls and they giggled.

"What are you doing here on weekend?"

I didn't waited for his answer and continue with my work and walked away from them and continue to organize the books.

"That was rude you know? Leaving people without saying goodbye" Seonghwa speak and I didn't realized that I left a book hitting him on his foot "Auch, Pororo!"

"I didn't even greet you, so technically we weren't talking."

"Okay, then greeted me" Seonghwa leaned on the shelve smiling.

"Who's a good dog?" I fake enthusiasm

"Very funny Pororo" He said sarcastically.

"Why are you here anyway, aren't you supposed to be at San's pool party?"

"Change of plans, I suddenly had the urge to read something" He replied taking some books from my hands "And before you mentioned, yes I read Pororo."

"You really amused me Park Seonghwa."

"So, this is the work you were pertaining"

"No, this is a hobby. My real work it's at nigth with a mafia" I let out sarcastically.

"That would explained a lot"

"Why don't you go and read like you were supposed to do" I shooed him away from me.

"But, I want to spend more time with you Pororo" Seonghwa pouted.

[herawell]

.

[stuckinapril]

i think i officially set my sights on a therapist and i'll be contacting her very soon?? therapy was legitimately not on my 2024 bingo card (or in the cards for me at all) but here we are????

[an-theduckin]

Why am I not good at anything I do :(

[eruanee]

Kiryuu Touga and the cyclical narrative

TW : Discussions of misogyny, emotional manipulation and abuse, sexual abuse and (sexual) child abuse. (Very vague) mention of incest.

First of all, not really as a disclaimer but more as a recommendation, a lot of my thoughts about Touga are shaped by this essay, which is definitely easily one of my favorite pieces of Utena meta. I think I'm going to implicitly or more explicitly reference it sometimes, but you don't need to read it to understand this post.

I have a complex relationship with Touga. He is despicable, yet the more I watch the series, the more I find myself... fascinated by him. This post is a pretty much a synthesis of all these thoughts.

On a purely narrative level, Touga's role is a bit special. He's the antagonist of the first arc. The three duels involving him are all turning points in the series. He's a core character in the development of several other characters (Saionji, Nanami, Utena and Miki on a different level).

Yet, turns out he's only a puppet, just as everyone else is. How surprising. And when it comes down to it, what do we know about Touga ?

He's the Student Council's president. He seemingly can't have a relationship with anyone without manipulating them to his advantage. He sleeps with any girl (and maybe not only girls) who breathe around him in a 1 ft radius. His way of coping with depression is to seal himself in a wide and totally empty room to listen to his own voice on repeat to ponder heavily on his broken hopes and ideals. (Hmm. Hardcore.)

And more importantly, he wants power. A power that would be absolute. But why so ?

And this is the point where it gets complicated.

Touga is barely the main topic of episodes focused on him. He is the center of many obsessions and interests, but it seems we never touch upon him as a person. He can be seen being vaguely vulnerable in eps 11 and 12 and then there's the whole Black Rose arc thing. But where does all this mess steam from ?

Victim status

Eps 35 and 36 are the one going deeper into Touga’s character and yet... we’re barely sure of what’s actually going on in his brain. These episodes always give me a weird feeling because we don’t really get to see Touga express his feelings very clearly or freely... We barely get to hear his thoughts. 

Just like Anthy.

Don’t make me say what I didn’t say, though. Touga gets to have way more agency than ever does Anthy, and he certainly doesn't endure the same dehumanization as she does. Anthy does have agency in a way. But she expresses it in hidden, implicit ways : playing tricks, hitting people in their sore spots, sarcasm, empty eyes and fake smiles. She’s manipulative and Touga is, too. These two share many similarities, though they can’t completely blend with each other, of course. 

We don’t know much about Touga’s childhood. We know he and Nanami were adopted (or “sold”) to the Kiryuu family at a young age. That’s basically it in the canon of the series. Though, Touga’s backstory in the movie, showing him being sexually abused by his adoptive father, was apparently meant to be included in the series as well :

Although the TV series touched upon Touga’s younger days, the film goes into more details – the wound of Touga that was never directly depicted. In his younger days, Touga was a normal kid who enjoyed happy times with his friend Saionji Kyouichi and his younger sister Nanami. However, he came to know his unfortunate fate from the time he was ordered by his parents to wear his hair long. His parents sold him to the Kiryuu family. Although he was an adopted son on the surface, the instinctive Touga knew what that meant. And in order to protect his younger sister, he accepted his lot. Being sold. We did not go into depicting what Touga’s parents obtained by going as far as selling their son. We would like you to think of it as a kind of metaphor. 

And Touga accepted in silence the sexual abuse from his new parents. His personality changed while he made a magnanimous show of enjoying the abuses in order to prevent his personality from splitting. The change took place in a spot so deep in his mind, that even those closest to him did not notice. Saionji and Nanami never noticed out of their innocence. And Touga never told his secret to anyone. It is said that a human being gains whatever he lost in exchange. So what did Touga gain in exchange at that point in time? It was the sense of alienation from being abused every night and seeing his innocent friend and sister during the day. The alienated self.

(Extract of a comment Enokido, one of the writers who worked on Utena, wrote about Touga’s role in the Utena movie.)

Of course, you could argue whether or not the sexual abuse is canon or not in the series. After all, the series and the movie don’t seem to take place in the same canon (even though it is hard to completely disconnect the two). Whatever you choose to believe, I personally think it all makes so much sense. 

It makes sense regarding Touga’s general behavior in the series (but this is more touched upon in the essay I linked above) and it makes his goal and his narrative role much clearer.

Being sold like a mere object, knowing a much harsher truth about life Saionji and Nanami don’t know about, showing everyone a stronger facade in order to not completely lose your mind and keep protecting your friend and your sister from this reality and eventually... letting them know in a painfully gendered way, perpetuating everything this system has forced on you. 

It has all become part of you. 

Keeping the cycle of violence going became part of your blood and flesh. Making clear who is supposed to inflict pain and who is supposed to receive it. Who is supposed to protect and who is supposed to be protected. Who is supposed to act and who is supposed to wait. 

And you ? No, you’re never supposed to hurt anymore. You want a way out of this. For you, the easiest way is to simply reclaim the place that was always prepared for you to take. 

When Touga and Saionji found Utena in her coffin, it feels like Touga knew something Saionji didn’t. Saionji felt it too, but he wasn’t able to recognize what it was. After all, he was still a child. Touga knew about the same thing Utena learned with her parents’ death : they both had a glimpse of what the “adult world” (Akio’s world) actually looks like, shattering their juvenile knowledge of the world. 

A world where people die. A world where the weak lose. A world where the prince should protect the princess. 

Touga already had a coffin. Utena just found hers and was about to find a new one. Saionji was just finding his. 

It all makes sense regarding how obedient Touga is to Akio and why he seeks his validation, his desire to go up in the hierarchy aside. It makes sense because he is “alienated”. Touga got deprived of everything, he knows the burden of being alive and he’s learned, from his early childhood, to be compliant. 

He seems independent during the Student Council arc and a majority of the series, but eps 35 and 36 show he is not the mastermind of it all. He has a privileged position but unlike some other characters, Touga never uses his agency to try to break out of the system ─ he follows its rules and tries to reinforce his dominance. 

Why would you break out from a system serving you so well ?

“I want to become like him. I want power like his.”

Touga is alienated to the system and his only goal is to become what it expects of him. After all, why wouldn’t he ? Being a prince is the best position offered by the system. Being a prince means acquiring an absolute power. With such power, one doesn’t die and is forever out of reach and harm and pain. Who wouldn’t want such a thing ? 

The prince never saves the princess out of selflessness. He saves her because it gives him a reward in exchange. He saves her because it gives him power and control over her and ultimately, everyone else. And so, the princess becomes a "toy" wannabe princes has to win, to conquer.

Does Touga, even during what seems to be his most “sincere” moment in ep 36, ever wish to protect Utena for something else than possessing her ? When could have he learned to know and appreciate her as a person, rather than a princess ? A reward to conquer ?

When did he stop wishing he could’ve saved Utena just like Akio did ? I believe he might be genuine, yet he acts toward Utena exactly like she acts toward Anthy. He wants to save her for his own sake, regardless of her personal hopes and desires. 

It’s truly sad, though. Because all of it is nothing but a childish dream. There was never once a prince in this world. Only boring and abusive adults. 

“Are you really happy with that?”

Well, when it comes down to it, probably not. But was it ever about happiness ? Probably not either. The pursuit of power only ever leads to isolation, to a complete lack of meaning ─ after all, friendship is a fool’s thing. No one can reach what’s behind the facade. 

Saionji was able to confront Touga with his own lies and paradoxes, get as close to his real self anyone probably could. But it wasn’t enough. Saionji himself didn’t go as far as leaving the system entirely, even when it seemed he had cracked it all. Touga sort of did, too. 

As far as I’m concerned, we only heard his own, deep thoughts once.

“Kiryuu Touga, the playboy Student Council President... Is it? "Playboy" sounds old-fashioned.”

Touga weaponized himself. He weaponized his body (sex is only a tool to aim for power). He weaponized his heart (relationships only matter if you use them to your advantage. Those who believe in love and friendship are fools and will be ultimately be used to someone else’s advantage). And for what ? 

I really like the symbolism of the poppy flower in ep 35. I feel like it symbolizes Akio’s power, in a way. I’m incredibly bad when it comes to the language of flowers (so everyone is free to correct me) but please bear with me. In the East, red poppy flowers apparently symbolize romantic love and success (what it probably means for the girl confessing to Touga, as well as Akio when he “eats” it in this scene, since Touga and him are talking about Utena) but it can also symbolize “luxurious pleasures and fantastic extravagance”. In the Japanese language of flowers, red poppies can also symbolize someone “fun-loving”. I feel like both of these work with Akio and I believe that for Touga, they are a symbol of luxury and extravagance. 

Yet another girl confessed to him. Without even thinking about it, he kissed her. He will never read her confession letter, he probably didn’t even notice it. He will probably simply leave it on the floor, without a care. This pursuit of power isn’t even fulfilling to him, there’s absolutely no thought behind it. Only automatic actions, behaviors working in favor of someone else’s greater scheme. He won’t even get to actually possess Utena. 

He will never get what he truly wants. Is there even anything that he truly wants ? Saionji, maybe. In the meantime, he’s just a tool for a system. A system made up by boring adults, based on lies, illusions and unachievable dreams. 

Touga is condemned to go in cycles. He’s given everything to overcome what keeps him stuck and trapped, but it doesn’t do anything. He can only revolve around his own coffin, completing the same circle, again and again. 

He doesn’t know how to do anything else. 

It will never make anything he’s done forgivable. But at least, maybe one day, he’ll realize. Or maybe never. 

We can always create new roads, leading to worlds completely unknown to us, where everything needs to be built. Anthy and Utena are here to show the way, who deserves to follow these new roads is only up to you. 

On a purely personal standpoint... I was never really able to answer this question. 

“No. It's not over until we see it through the very end.”