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IMMORTALITY? A Grumpy Goat *tail* (Part 3 of 3) : MLP Fan Fiction

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IMMORTALITY?

A Grumpy Goat *tail* (Part 3 of 3)

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

7865 words

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Users of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights. They may reblog the story. They may use the characters or original characters in my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical compositions. I will allow those who do commission art works to charge for their images.

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Attempting to ring the church's bell had caused a swarm of hornets nested in the steeple to dive into the congregation. The resulting panic left several unconscious ponies near trampled in the church. They alone had no stings!

Sawnax got a big spread of pictures by himself. Fleeing with the rest of the congregation, he got stung twenty or more times on forelegs and neck. The mobility cart ramp was too steep and he lost control, careening through a hedge laced with poison oak and poison ivy, he hit a family on their way to a picnic in the park and overset, banging up his good hind leg in the process.

The family was not hurt, beyond a few bruises, but their picnic basket and contents were ruined. Among the pictures were some of the fallen Sawnax rummaging the wrecked basket and scarfing sandwiches.

The entire collection of Celestian priests got out without a sting. They fled through a back door, overgrown with the new ivy. Poison ivy, that is. They might as well have painted themselves with the itch causing, blister raising, oils.

To cap the disaster, some ponies working in the church kitchen fled and left a stove burning. The resulting fire was a Special Procedures 23 - Toxic smoke requiring evacuation and decontamination of the downwind area.

As Romaine observed, in print, it was not as bad as the Ponyville Elementary School disaster of years ago, which Sawnax was also involved in. *(for details read Caramel Treat's Lunch!)*

We kept finding more and more to giggle over as we read Romaine's excellent prose. She got almost the entire Special Edition because she “just happened to be on the scene as the disaster unfolded.” With her camera!

As a side note, the fire spread through all of the ornamental shrubbery and the up the walls of all the Celestian buildings. All of the poison oak and poison ivy infestation was burned out, along with destroying all of the structures involved.

Clarence and I gave a High Hoof to each other! Frankly, it went even better than we had hoped. Not one pony killed or even seriously injured but LOTS OF PAIN in lots of butts, and elsewhere, of course.

We both gave Coalsmoke a hug of congratulations. Her enthusiastic return hugs made the whole enterprise worthwhile.

The next day, we were sitting out in the sun, looking over the Ponyville Books and More listings to pick out our next Daring Do book.

We could hear them even before we saw them. It was a regular parade coming up the trail. Coalsmoke grinned as she caught sight of them. She offered, “Grumpy, you should get that trail paved! I would bet that Clarence could give you a special deal on good intentions to do it with!”

To make things perfectly weird, the leader of the parade was not using the trail. Derpy was flying, low and slow, so that the others could follow. She landed on the ledge without hesitation and carefully opened her mail pouch. Ceremoniously she handed me a letter. The envelope had a well known seal. Almost every pony or horse in Equestria has seen it. Darn few have seen or handled an ORIGINAL ROYAL SEAL of the Twin Thrones of Equestria.

I did not have time to open it just then.

The clowns arrived to put on their show!

Celestian High Priest Hortimer was almost unrecognizable under the mass of bandages and itch relief creme. The remainder of the priesthood were too. It was obvious that the treatment was not helping all that much. Which suited me right down to the ground.

There was Sawnax in his mobility cart, being pushed by two husky ponies. He had a cast on one hind leg and thick bandages on the other. His rump was swollen and covered with plasters where boils had been drained. Both forelegs and his neck were covered with the lumps of hornet stings. Covering almost all of stings and swellings were the rashes and running sores of the poison oak and poison ivy.

There was another group in formal mourning attire. They were accompanied by Mortimer “Mortician” Mollycoddle, D.E.L. (Doctor of Equestrian Law), who was looking sour.

The one who seemed out of place was wearing the uniform of the Ponyville Fire Department.

The act was led off by Hortimer demanding, “You must heal us of this vile result of your Necromancy! Your evil burned down our church!”

“Hortimer, ol pony! Necromancy is against the Law! Magic, in general, is not. Be clear. How could I cast any spell against you? A Pure and Honest Heart is absolute protection from all the influences of the Evil One. As if evil has some one simple spring outside of themselves and ponies are innocent of harboring rot in their minds.

“You are a personal and perfect refutation of your own claim.”

Hortimer gesticulated at his fellow priests. “We are grievously afflicted by your evil magics and Necromancies!”

My fleshless skull, which should have been expressionless managed to convey complete confusion. “What evil magic, Horty, ol pony? You knew that your church was infested with poison oak and poison ivy. Every reader of the Prancer knows it too. The news went public on Nightmare Night.

“You and your fellow con artists ran through a known hazard and got a case of poison oak. That is your definition of evil magic and necromancy? You do a stupid thing and therefore it is some EVIL GOAT'S fault? Wow.”

As I was shaking my head, I noticed that we had company. Just down the hill, Romaine was snapping away with her camera and taking notes. Clarence managed to utterly fail at looking innocent.

The stallion in the PFD uniform spoke up, handing me a document as he did so, “Grumpy Goat, Sir, the Battalion Chief wanted you to have this to defend yourself from baseless charges like the ones just made. This is the formal investigation report on the fire and surrounding events.

“The entire thing, including their rashes, was caused by their negligence. The details, including all of the ordinances relating to publicly accessible buildings that were violated is here.”

Hortimer looked horrified. “How could you say that this disaster is our fault? We were victims! Just look at us!”

Coalsmoke said acidly, “Look at you? Why? You have always been so ugly that the bandages are an improvement! And you are still ugly!”

That brought a reaction from one of the group in mourning clothes. “You and that damned goat murdered my dad!” He was pointing dramatically. He waved a copy of Coalsmoke's contract with me and yelled, “Here is the proof! Dad found this and made a secret copy!”

Coalsmoke looked utterly pained as she replied, “How is that proof of anything? Secret copy? Just go to the Ponyville Hall of Records in the City Hall. There is a publicly registered copy there for anyone to look up. Grumpy's Contracts are ALL publicly registered.”

I was even more surprised when Mort spoke up. “I do represent the heirs of Clyde S. Dale, but this part of the case is baseless and I have so advised them. You are correct. They are due a substantial sum from his will.”

Coalsmoke nodded emphatically. “They are. They are getting over half of it. The insurances were formally changed to my name and they knew it. I have copies of the acknowledgements.”

Mort nodded. ”I am aware of the issues. I have advised them not to sue on the insurances. Their waivers are clear.”

One of the ones in phony mourning demanded, “Whose side are you on? We hired you!”

Mort, imperturbably replied, “Yours. Coalsmoke is an expert at these things. I have examined your case and hers. She is taking care of you through the will. She has made no effort to cut you out.

“This will come as no surprise to you, but Mister Dale was terminally ill, with a failing heart. His sudden death was probably a mercy.”

“So, dad was dying, we all knew that! We takes all that insurance money that she is stealing from us! She done nothing for it!”

Mort told him bluntly, “I have told you that I am on your side. This advice is as direct as it can be. If you try to sue her, you will waste what you are going to get from the will and wind up owing her a large indemnity. That is a simple fact.”

I was taken aback. Mort the Mortician was an HONEST LAWYER? The world was capsizing!

That was when Sawnax spoke up in a pitiable tone, “That there stuff is all well and good, but what about me? I gots the same rashes and all that Hortimer and the other priests got and was stung besides! I got TWO bad hind legs now, too!

“I thunk you said that I could do whatever I done before. I done break my leg trying. Then they was the boils. I gets that took care of but they still hurts until they heals!

“I is in a lot of pain!”

I knelt in front of the mobility cart to face him eye to eye socket. “You dictated most of what is in the contract, Sawnax. You wanted to live a very long life. You wanted your mind to stay sharp. You wanted to be able to do and enjoy what you could at the time that we signed.”

I sighed. “You are getting all of that. Immortal is NOT invulnerable. It has one advantage in this case. When you heal, you will be just like when you started. It will just take time. Sadly, one of the things that you enjoyed was and is swiping lunches and otherwise cheating. Banged up, dazed and dumped out of that cart, you found sandwiches that were not yours. Scarfed them up, too.

“All inside the contract.”

He turned misery laden eyes to me and asked, “What can I do abouts this? It ain't none of it workin' out like I thought.

“It hurts.”

Said it before. I am honest. Evil but honest. He did actually ask for advice. “You only have three things that you can do here, Sawnax.

“First, you can simply let the contract run. If you do, you will have the least trouble if you do your level best to be a good pony, living a good and honest life. You will have good times and bad. That's life. A long one.

“Second, you can simply repudiate the contract and take the lifespan that you are given, free to do or be whatever you want. You will probably live longer if you follow the advice of your doctors. You lose your money paid but that is all.

“Third, you can commit suicide. You still lose your money but you are out of the whole suffering thing.

“Experience talking here, immortality is not all fun and games.”

He nodded and said softly, “I needs to think.”

I simply backed away. As I did, I saw the pony in the PFD uniform talking to Hortimer. He had a paper. When I heard, “But surely, as a church, we are exempt!”

The PFD pony politely replied, “I am afraid not, Sir. You maintained a nuisance and failed to either report it or let the city know what efforts you were taking to eradicate the nuisance.

“Under both ordinance and Kingdom law that makes you responsible for all costs connected to it. We have decontamination efforts under way at seven residences and five businesses that were downwind and contaminated by the smoke from the burning poisonous plants.”

Hortimer pointed dramatically at me and exclaimed, “He must pay it! He cursed us with those diabolical plants! It is his fault!”

“Me? You mean that if cash is on the line, I am mightier than the Goddess that you worship?”

“Do not blaspheme! Of course Celestia's Power is greater than your mere diabolic dabbling!”

I laughed as he was trapped by his own reflexive arguments. “So, it is your responsibility after all! Celestia must be gravely disappointed in you for trying to shift the blame!”

His horrified expression was almost reward enough. Almost. I had to add it. “You did not need me to clear up the poison oak and poison ivy after all! Celestia's Holy Fire has removed it all!”

That did it. Delightful.

Sawnax said, “That was sharp, Mister Grumpy. I probably gots no right to ask it but if I repudiates the contract, would you do me one favor? You is getting to keep a lot of gold.”

“What favor is that, Sawnax?”

“Can you, like, speed up my healing some? This is a real misery.”

“I can do that, Sawnax, but I will lay a heavy one on you for it. You must stay honest and not cheat anypony, horse or goat until you are healed.”

Clarence had his wings up and his teeth were chattering as he giggled.

Derpy tugged at my foreleg. “Mister Grumpy, about the letter, will there be a reply? It is post paid by their Highnesses.”

With Clarence, the Litch King and Coalsmoke looking over my shoulder I opened the letter.

“To Grumpy Goat: Hail and well met!

We, your Princesses, have heard rumor of you practicing unlawful Necromancy. We have looked deeply into the matter and have found no evidence of such criminal activity. The casting of Glamors and other such magics is perfectly legal.

Further, we have found that you have honestly registered all of your contracts, which appear to be in the form of bets that certain events will happen within set time frames. You hold the stakes and, if you win, keep the coin.

It is a remarkable coincidence that ALL of your contracted events have happened as spelled out. Always through some routine or other natural means.

With your consent, we should like to visit your cave to discuss a few such “bets.”

Yours, Celestia Yours, Luna.

As Derpy flew away with my reply, Clarence and Coalsmoke both suffered major giggles.

~THE END~

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