#Internal struggles

[bobauthorman]

[i-want-to-be-a-poet]

i want to be forgiving i really do i want to lead with love and the kindness that accompanies it but others shall not allow for it perhaps i shall offer them love regardless.

[whumppmuhw]

Whumptober Day 20: Dehumanization, master and servant

tw: dehumanization, forced servitude, punishment, amputation, conditioned whumpee, internal struggles

eeehehehehee i've been waiting to write this one :D

...

"Whumpee, I'd like to tell you a story."

"Yes?"

"'Yes?'"

"Yes, master? Sorry."

"Don't apologize, correct your mistake and move on."

"Okay, master."

"Better.

Now, there once was a master and a servant, just like you and I. The servant was well trained, and did what their master told them. But something was wrong.

On the outside, the servant was perfect. However, they let their thoughts get in the way. One day, they were distracted and made a mistake. It was small, and pretty harmless, but the master knew something was off. Plus, one careless mistake now could lead to a much worse one down the road. So, they gave the servant a punishment.

The master thought it was over. The servant went about their duties, trying their best to do as they were told, but their thoughts got louder. They didn't make another mistake, but they couldn't keep their mouth shut.

One afternoon, the master noticed the servant was acting very differently than normal. They had a far away look in their eyes, and their movements were slow and methodical. The master asked them what was wrong, and they answered.

They said, 'I want to go home.'

Now, of course that's problematic because they had no home to go to. They belonged there, serving their master; their only purpose was to obey. Do you understand, Whumpee?"

"Yes, master."

"Good. Now, the master had to think of another punishment, one that would stop their incorrect thought process for good. So, the master cut off the servant's feet.

The servant could not go to their imaginary home, and were reduced to kneeling constantly and moving around on their knees, a constant reminder that they were always below their master.

To a master, a servant is dirt. With some effort, it can grow something amazing, but it could also just be a nuisance under a master's foot, a thing to be trampled on and forgotten.

That servant learned their lesson, and was a better servant because of it. I hope you will not have to go through what they did to understand the lesson. Right now, you are fertile soil. You could make me something I can be proud of, right, Whumpee?"

"Yes, master.

I have a question."

"Yes?"

"Was this a true story?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it was. It happened a few years ago, with a servant I once had, long before you arrived."

"What happened to-"

"Don't go there. It doesn't concern you, does it?"

"No, master, I guess not."

"That's right.

I know you won't let me down, Whumpee.

That's all I have for you right now, but ponder about it."

...

(That night (and most nights after that), Whumpee lying in bed, whispering to themself)

"I don't want to go home. I don't."

[k-i-l-l-e-r-b-e-e-6-9]

Metallica

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

gods sometimes I hate that I can't think about Palestine, about everything going on in the world, 24/7.

I ask myself "well why not? why not just think about that stuff and school and chores? why does fUCKING FANDOM and special interests eat your life and personality like this? don't you have any empathy?"

and I know the answer. I know its because there have been MANY times in my life where I've taken my own advice and tried to think about "the issues" 24/7. I became a total asshole. angry, stupid, often self-destructive. I didn't make any change or contribution besides starting fights with strangers online, and any effort I DID make to contribute irl just led to so many messes that the people who were actually helping then had to step aside and clean up.

the times I'm most capable of help are when I'm able to keep a balance between awareness of the problems in the world, with other stuff (both fandom and just like... homework n shit). it feels SO wrong and SO un-natural to actively prioritize fandom, but I've tried the "right" way so much and been such a dick and done a good bit of harm.

and I've tried the "wrong" way this past year and done more good/participated more than ever.

results speak for themselves.

and ik everyone does activism differently.

I'm obviously not gonna break any boycotts, holy shit no. I'm still attending protests and making posters/art for local activist movements and doing what I can when I can.

its just so tempting to put 99.99999% of myself into REALLY feeling that grief and rage and helplessness... but again. I know, yknow?

I know how that ends. I may feel righteous and empathetic and, honestly, Cool(tm), but I'm not doing shit for anyone

if mainlining destiel into my brainstem lets me show up for protests and make art and do all of that while NOT being a total bag of dicks...

ugh. it just feels fucking weird

(& yes, I did try the "really feel it, no self-anesthetizing with fandom and no distancing myself from it on purpose" approach as recently as this fall. after physically forcing myself to not send threats to kill strangers' pets, exposing my unmasked face to cameras while chalking a govt building, being kinda socially inappropriate and considering vandalism, i realized that it does in fact still make me an asshole.)

like I feel guilty about purposefully distancing myself for these issues, but also simultaneously understand from past experience that this is the best way for me to make actual, meaningful contributions. its weird.

if i go full-in on Understanding(tm) it, I FEEL morally/spiritually superior, and sure, it MIGHT make me a better activist, but years of experience tell me that, despite how I'm perceiving myself in that moment, it wont.

if I keep distancing myself, ie LITERALLY PURPOSEFULLY seeking out fandom/yt brainrot/Shiny Happy Things to AVOID thinking about it, I do more. I'm involved more, go to more protests, meetings, talk to friends about it.

...that is the reverse of how those things should work.

I think this may be the same kind of reason I don't do existentialism or organized religion. there are some things, really deep or emotional things, that if I think abt them too hard I get stuck EXTREMELY far up my own ass in how I can "only" think of these things or else I'm "awful"

but that's it. its all just thinking. and feeling. and not acting.

...I guess I'll go back to obsessing over my little shows and ships, making actual contributions to anti-genocide, anti-colonialism, pro-palestine efforts

and wondering why the FUCK I'm like this.

...also ok tbh my desire for some kind of moral or spiritual depth/fulfillment/righteousness/forgiveness???? via immersing myself in the experience of VICTIMS OF ONGOING GENOCIDE to try to understand their experience is uhhh

creepy.

especially given that its at the direct detriment of my actual activism and to the emotional harm of peers and fellow activists.

yeah hm actually that is just kind of creepy. and not helpful.

[wabistroubledmind]

To feel pt.2

To live without feeling is not to live at all. Yes, they say that and yes, in some ways, I believe too. However, I also believe this a perfect ¨do as I say, not as I do¨ situation because, of course, we all know how vital feelings are, and yet we hide them. What for, really? Shame? Embarrassment? Aren´t those feelings as well?

I´m a hypocrite, of course, for I too live my life with my feelings locked inside a vault which keys have been lost far, far long ago. I claim to feel so much I´ve plead to God for a way out for; ´´in any moment, I could explode´´. Truly it does feel that way but it never does come out. For I claim to live my life to the fullest yet I hide my sadness, my fears, my anger, my love.

How full could that life be if one is constantly hiding the most important parts away? How fullfilled could one´s life be if it´s embarrassed by joy? Ashamed of tears? What is the purpose of hiding that which makes us human? Hiding the only one thing all of us have in common? What is the purpose of lighting a fire if not to watch it all burn? Dissipate the smoke, sweep the ashes, swallow the coughs, pretend that to breathe is not a priority. Pretend that to feel is not a priority. We all do it anyway.

[kimcoxauthor]

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[cellphoneart]

Original freestyle digital artpiece titled, "War of Attrition"...

[wickedzeevyln]

A Christmas Carol

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[arabella-s-arts]

Scenes/Things in Supernatural that genuinely don't make sense to me if Dean was straight:

The confession booth scene.

Sam just rolling with the fact that Dean's siren is a guy while still thinking sirens infect people through sex.

Dean being flustered by several men: Gunner Lawless, Aaron, Doctor Sexy, etc.

All the parallels between Destiel and other couples. (A big one being "last night on Earth" bc how do you do that accidentally.)

Having all the gay jokes be on Dean instead of Sam.

Paralleling Sam meeting his childhood celebrity crush with Dean meeting Gunner Lawless.

The boner Dean got when Cas cleaned up.

Dean gulping after Cas does an impression from a Western movie.

Charlie, a lesbian, calling Castiel "dreamy."

The way Mary looks at Dean and Cas when they hug.

Dean wondering why everyone assumes he's gay, while Sam not caring.

The logic that Charlie can't flirt with guys because she's only attracted to women, but then having Dean flirt with the guy for her.

Dean seeming disappointed when learning that Aaron's flirting was fake.

The amount of time Dean and Cas spend staring at each other.

Dean canonically having an orgy with Crowley.

A woman saying that she knows when someone's pining for someone else to Dean, just for us to learn that Dean was never in love with Amara.

The set design and script choices that lead to a cross in the background while Dean said "I do." to Cas after he came back to life.

Edit: To the people who say I can't use the siren as an example because the siren is supposed to be his brother, and therefore his siren being a man doesn't work. If you reread that bullet point, then you will realize that I didn't put it down as just simply Dean's siren being a man. I recognize that the siren is supposed to be his brother. It's the fact that Sam still thinks the siren infects people through sex, not knowing that it's actually through saliva when he realizes who the siren is. So when he sees that Dean's siren is a guy, he had to assume they had sex, and he does not seem surprised by this at all.

[girlblocker]

a contender for dumbest post I’ve seen on here… literally ‘let men hate women’

[beybuniki]

that time period when bakugo is worried sick about deku & the implications of being an ofa vessel but he’s still too proud to verbalize his worries so he just silently watches deku like a helicopter parent and nags like yea bakugo!!!! burying the hatchet won’t magically make you guys understand each other you actually have to verbalize your thoughts!!!! Deku doesn’t know you’re that worried you have to tell him!!!! Maybe that will make him less reckless!!!!friendship is magic but friendship is also so much work!!!!! (I like to think that bakugo just stares at deku while fighting his demons (vulnerability) and deku is clueless and everyone else is a bit scared that this weird prolonged eye contact means that we’re gonna have a bkdk fight act IV)

[kaibacorpintern]

yugioh isn't "good" i.e. its hardly a cowboy bebop or NGE or FLCL or mushishi but if anyone was like "it's bad" i'd be like be quiet. kaiba's about to summon obelisk out of the fucking ground

[k-i-l-l-e-r-b-e-e-6-9]

Metallica

📷 Ross Halfin

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.

It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.

[jojoblessed365]

The Valleys of New Orleans and Midnight Train to Memphis - Chapter 10 - jojoblessed365 - Gilmore Girls [Archive of Our Own]

Meet Emily and Rory 2.0!!! Just a glimpse of their extraordinary relationship which sets the stage for a HUGE confrontation!!!