#It’s when a pure and lovely wish triggers a tragedy

[completeoveranalysis]

[4]

HUGE FAN of tiny Sakura trying to make that connection between her and Lava Lamp. Shyly asking if they can hold hands after the ceremony is done, which is ADORABLE and, because this is Tsubasa, means that this absolutely will not happen. Their outstretched hands will ONCE AGAIN fail to meet in the middle, just like always - but different this time, since this is the FIRST. 

And extra hello to Lava Lamp’s giant distorted shadow looming underneath him! The disproportionately huge shadow his presence is casting! The dark fate spreading out before him just by being here! The alternate versions of himself that will spread into the future!

I love that this Sakura, in her love for water and the water’s love for her, is characterised by bubbles floating around her instead of feathers. And that Lava Lamp hopes that they can be together. And that this tiny child’s hope MAY OR MAY NOT be the match that sets so many other things in motion.

It's just two children wanting to be friends! And SO MUCH goes wrong!

[whumpbby]

Idk if there's a right way to say this but Jiang Cheng's biggest crime in and out canon is being not that pleasant to be around and i rlly wish people would acknowledge that instead of trying to paint him as The Worst in order to justify their weirdly intense hatred towards him

I'm going to ramble,sorry, that how I put thoughts in order:)

I think that's the perfect way to say it actually. And 100% fact imho. His biggest flaw is that he has no patience with other people's shit and no filter on how little patience he has. He lets people know he's unhappy with them. All his care and dedication is in his actions.

The way he cares about Wei Wuxian and then Jin Ling - even his scolding is an expression of care, always concerned about the way their behaviour can bring harm to them or to their sects. The way he sacrificed his life for Wei Wuxian without a moment's doubt and neve mentioned it. The way he was fighting a war and rebuilding the sect at the same time. The way his sect became absolutely notfuckwithable. The way he kept throwing himself in the way of danger for his loved ones in the Temple.

This is not some villain who only cares about himself - the way he's being painted by the antis.

There was this post somewhere saying that the biggest flaw in a fictional character is being boring - they can be a war criminal, as long as they're not boring.

I think for some people who are looking for pure escapism and feel-good simplicity (and nothing wrong with that, everyone does that) the "boring" gets replaced with "ugly". The depiction of trauma survivors that didn't "go through all that and ended up kinder". That didn't get over the tragedy in their lives to an appropriate standard. That are functional, but not happy. That bring back the bad stuff that happened because it still influences their lives and behaviours and reactions.

They want all the tragic trauma of the past, but without long-lasting consequences that aren't leading directly to cock-healing or fawning.

Like, if you think about it, no one went through the war in that book and came out "better". Absolutely no one. Lan Zhan drowned himself in guilt and directed all his anger towards Jiang Cheng. Wei Wuxian didn't stop running for even a moment and he became an intensely careless, emotionally dishonest person. Lan Xichen settled into not really doing much, coasting on his sects' position and JGY's help. Nie Mingjue became a bona-fide warlord who basically said "fuck these people, hunt them for sport for all I care". Meng Yao learned that you can stab your problems away. Everyone around them became incredibly trigger-happy for a long while.

And yet JC is the only one singled out as the Evil Walking The Land, because his trauma response isn't pretty and stoic and is specifically, understandably, targeting the Innocent Cinnamon Roll Protagonist and isn't fixed by the end of the book. He could have saved the world, but as long as he's not polite while he's at it then fuck him.

This is, like, primary school level morality were facing here xD

I cannot tell you how surprised I was when entering the world of The Untamed - prepared by Tumblr to see jC as this demon of a man and instead found this guy who, by all accounts, is in the right 99% of the time. Then I read the book and was staggered by the final reveal. And the absolute bullshit I was fed by people that wanted to sour me on the character before I could make my own mind.

Not even gonna get into how these people treat Wen Ning - whose whole existence is a horrific chain of horrific events ending in his absolutely awful existence of an actual slave... But he's such a cute puppy, eh?

Tldr: people who keep making excuses for hating JC do it to somehow justify the fact they can only accept Trauma Light in their fiction.

[namjuicyy]

Taking place during 1BBY, this tiny tragedy follows two Rebel pilots final moments together. Based off Samuel Kim's "Star Wars (Epic Main Theme), and it's recommended you listen to it while you read.

Tw: war zone, battle, suicide.

One by one, ships exploded around her. Squadron after squadron bursting into a ball of flames and gas in the deep of space. Red lit up Libana’s windshield as she watched TIE Fighters bombard what was left of her fleet with their cannons and guns.

That was when she saw it; the purple painted X-Wing of Esmiris Elon. Esmi. Her Esmi. The ship thankfully hadn’t been blown to pieces yet, but it was floating in a ring of debris that had begun to orbit around the nearest planet. That was when she realised she wasn’t the only one who had taken notice of the perfectly intact X-Wing. Pure adrenaline kicked in, pushing on the thrusters she headed straight for the TIE Fighter that was charging and shooting at Esmi’s ship. Green flashes joined the sea of red. Lib smashed the trigger over and over again, her aim poor as she desperately shot to save her Esmi.

The TIE shot and landed a blow.

Another.

Another.

Lib was screaming by now, eyes teared over and her vision blurry. She was shooting into the abyss and hoping that the Force would help her to make her shot and save the only woman she’d ever loved.

Another.

She could see Esmi waking up from the blow that had knocked her out, and immediately she began panicking in her cockpit. She pushed as many buttons as she could, trying to steer out of the path of the oncoming TIE, her BB-unit similarly panicking as he desperately tried to repair what he could of their ship.

Somehow, some way, the Force had granted her this last wish, green colliding with the black metal and blowing it to pieces right before it could land a fatal blow.

“You came back for me!” Esmi said in disbelief. She truly thought she would never see Lib again.

“Of course I did. You still owe me credits.” Another Rebel ship blew up nearby. “Do you still have control?”

“Yes. But my hyperdrive is gone. There’s no leaving for me… not this time. You need to leave, Lib.”

“A life without you, Esmiris Elon, is not a life I’m willing to live. If you die, I die. We do this together, okay?”

With a nod, Esmi and Lib turned to face the star destroyers and TIEs that were charging for the last two remaining enemies. They were about to charge when they heard it.

“Spider Squadron, we have arrived.”

Jumping out of hyperspace above them came Rebel ships. Hundreds of them, if not thousands. While they were still greatly outnumbered, the odds on the battlefield had drastically changed. From their position, they watched as pilots took down TIEs with ease, teaming up and pushing the Empire back. The Empire’s numbers slowly but surely began to dwindle, most taken out when a Star Destroyer had been wrecked. But two more remained.

The Rebels took on damage, of course, but nothing compared to the elation everyone felt when the final Star Destroyer and been blown up, and the remaining TIEs jumped to hyperspace to avoid certain death.

Lib, in her joy, turned to look at Esmi’s ship next to her to celebrate their victory together. But as she laid eyes upon the field once more, she saw that the wing of Esmi’s ship had been blown clean off, and the cockpit door was wide open. Esmi, though strapped to the seat, was undoubtedly no longer breathing. While the rest of the Alliance commemorated this impossible victory, Lib felt her heart breaking. As her world crumbled around her, she had one final thought before she, too, opened her cockpit door…

A life without you, Esmiris Elon, is not a life I’m willing to live.

[korarara]

no one compares to you

Satoru wasn’t able to remember when his argument with Suguru started, it was all blurred. All he knew for sure—was that Suguru and him, had mentioned many things which were now indelibly written in his mind. Bitter tears were rolling down his cheek uncontrollably, while he was curled up in an uncomfortable position covered with his blanket—a gift from his beloved boyfriend.

Both of them were acknowledging the fact that they could never achieve the “exceptional” relationship at all costs. Arguing wasn’t something that occurred often however when it did, it was always serious.

Today, things had escalated extremely fast. Suguru was mad at the oblivious Satoru, for giving the littlest possible attention to their relationship. Satoru, was caught off guard and had a difficulty understanding the importance of the situation, because he thought he was an absolutely great partner. Never had he ever believed that he wasn’t giving his best. Thus, Suguru’s complaints shocked him— a lot. Actually, he felt offended and deemed it crucial that he didn’t hold back.

Satoru’s counterclaims, were enough to contribute to this argument’s a enlargement.

And that was how,this situation began getting worse— or maybe that’s an understatement because the damage afterwards was too much to be handled by both. After a few hours of spitting out venomous—the least— words, both of them ended up being mentally tired so they gave up. Not even if they tried to recall what they had exclaimed, they wouldn’t have remembered details. But a couple of things such as “you are absolutely horrible” & “you are always too dramatic” were replaying in Satoru’s head.

They left him dumbfounded and exhausted because he was aware that they were true. But why was it paining him so much when he was referred as “dramatic” & “lazy”.

Because despite flawlessness being impossible to be reached, he was willing to try and become the perfect man for Suguru Geto. Because, he loved him more than life itself, so it felt like he had disappointed him & this, hurt like hell. Nobody had ever held such an important place in his heart, to feel the need to be that — good for them. Except him.

———

Suguru though, wasn’t in the best mood either. He had lighted countless cigarettes to ease the uncomfortable weight on his chest. He had certainty that his words impacted Satoru to the biggest possible extent. But he also knew that his “darling” as he always called him, would never show it. Not even to him. The guilt inside him was eating him alive, and the fact he made one of the strongest people he had the chance to ever meet, weaken that much—fucked him to the core. Suguru’s words were obviously not true, he just spit them out during the heated conversation— if it can be called one. But if only did Satoru understood how truly sorry his boyfriend was. Cause, everything was false. He was excellent in Suguru’s eyes no matter what he did. He fell in love with him, including the little things considered “bad”.

How their pure souls ached for each other, would never be comprehended by anyone else besides these two. They were completing each other and no matter how many times they will argue, nobody & nothing can ever change the way Satoru feels for Suguru, or Suguru for Satoru.

None of them would do one step forward and apologise first. Yes, they were willing to back off, but no, under no circumstances would they actually commit it. Satoru was sobbing his eyes out while Suguru was hardly breathing properly. Maybe, just maybe they needed sometime alone, to suffer— and heal afterwards.

And as many times as Suguru had combed his hair with his hands, it wasn’t decreasing his wish to have it done by Satoru.

It was already midnight, Satoru was calmly wiping his last tears and drifted to sleep, as for Suguru the situation was triggering him to the point where he wasn’t even capable of getting his eyes off the clock in their bedroom. Counting every second passing, praying that this tragedy is nothing but a destructive nightmare.

______

He was sitting on the cold wooden floor. The moonlight was being mirrored excellently on it, as if it had realised tonight’s significance . Suguru was truthfully tired, and wanted to give in so badly, but there was something inside him preventing him from doing exactly what his body needed.

His peering dark eyes, were profoundly confused of why is he pretending to be the strong man, all the time. Instead of the bright spark, which is normally visible when he is around his one & only. Suguru’s eyes seemed in-fact scared of the unpredictable. The silence, felt louder than ever before and without a word escaping his mouth, the exhausted man caved in the urge to let it all out for once, just for this once

Of course, this situation underlies the process of slowly reminding themselves that this debasing behaviour will not lead them to anything.He lighted another cigarette, hypothesising that this horrific little sting on his sweaty chest, would leave him alone. Probably not the best idea of his, cause smoking again enlarged the disturbance caused by it.

He wasn’t what this world is always implying. He is aware that, he is not impeccable & unrepentant. He genuinely differs.And only his beloved Satoru had gotten the chance to unwrap and comprehend the real Suguru Geto.

He contemplated the importance of the words he compulsively spat out in such an angry tone. The complaints or maybe, the words he wished he had conveyed earlier— were finding their way out of his mouth rapidly. Suguru Geto, finally, had broken down the gigantic wall between himself and the problems facing in his relationship.

Suguru, resulted to a crucial point after having smoked two packages full of cigarettes that normally last him, one week and a half— :

He hadn’t just vocalised what his heart was holding in for a few months, but he offended his dear lover as well.

Throughout their entire heated argument, he managed to stain Satoru’s mind, with a couple of question marks which would certainly disturb him extremely much.

How could he ever believe that he truly is a decent person, if he acts like that towards his other half.

Guilt was showering the poor man while he was shoving his hands down the pockets of the cargo jeans he was currently wearing. He fucked up, for sure.

The large windows, facing Suguru, were widely open allowing the cooling wind to enter and refresh the burdening atmosphere.

Out of the blue, the black haired man with the silky aura surrounding him, threw his finished cigarette on the floor and went to check on Satoru.

Was he asleep?

Did he get comfortable sleeping all alone?

Let’s just say, that Suguru Geto was desperately urging to find a reason to observe his breathtaking lover sleeping. watching him relaxing carelessly, and practically glowing under the intensive moonlight— glorifying him even further— was a different feeling of satisfaction. It always, makes his heart flatter and undeniably harmonises Suguru’s soul in every way.

Because Satoru,

is indeed..

his angel,

his most incredible person.

Suguru walked down the aisle slow paced, as per usual though. Not rough movements, unlike Satoru.

They are two much different people, who fill each other’s voids.

He patiently opened the big white bedroom door, as quietly as possible in order to not bother Satoru. Suguru, paused for a second. The time felt like if froze, just for this second. His head was empty, every little problem slipped away by the time he glanced at Satoru. Actually, he needed some time to collect himself from the spectacular view of him.

Not wanting to wake him up, Suguru quickly changed into his pyjamas and snuggled close to him. He hugged and kissed his cheek, whispering “i am sorry” as lovingly as possible. He truly was sorry, but he perceived that forgiveness is not a commodity which comes in our lives without effort.

Satoru, despite the fact that he had gone to bed long ago, was woken up by the smell he despises the most : Cigarettes’

Immediately did he realise that Suguru, was truly stressed and lashed out on himself somewhat—

Normally, he would lecture him for hours, explaining properly that smoking will end up killing him. But today, he chose to seriously ignore it. He tolerated with it, and pretended to be asleep—again.

No, obviously he wasn’t determined to act unapologetically. He initially thought that it would be more mature if they talk about tonight, in the morning.

Later on, he understood that “tomorrow” should not include anything negative from “yesterday”.

In other words, Satoru smiled while getting too close to his long haired partner, signalling that not only was he forgiving him, but he was brutally apologising too.

Because love is bittersweet and as hard as we try to devote our feelings and time to it, there are always gonna be bad times. However, both of them knew and will always know, that no one compares to each other’s warmth & company.

[spencersmagic]

a knife twists at the thought - SR

Prompt: a knife twists at the thought that i should fall short of the mark - Arctic Monkeys

Summary: Spencer is new to this, and the poor boy is terrified

Couple: Fem! Reader x Spencer Reid (i picture season 2/3 Spencer but y’all do you)

Category: angst

Word count: 3086 words

Warnings: general criminal minds stuff, mentions and descriptions of torture, descriptions of loss, HAPPY ENDING!!, my 3am writing, tooth rotting love, uhmm spoilers for Orwell’s 1984 (if anybody hasn’t read it), humiliation, Spencer crying and breaking my heart (lmk if you need anything warned or trigger tagged).

A/N This is very loosely based on 2x15 (VERY LOOSELY). I’m quite proud of this one :)

masterlist // 505 series taglist

*****

They say you never see it coming.

When a tragedy occurs, and someone’s life is turned upside down forever, they never see it coming. It just... hits them. Like an oncoming car ramming into a bystander who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

No one has time to prepare. In our time-starved lives, there is no place for such a warning.

One day, you just wake up. And they’re not next to you. They’ve disappeared, leaving the stickiest, most unforgettable parts of themselves behind for others to grieve to: the smell of their shampoo in the pillows they used to share, the seconds just as you wake when you still feel like you have them - only to gain full consciousness and realise they left you behind - even the fucking jars, which never seem to be open because he’s just not there to do it.

And you feel your heart breaking all over again as your soul sticks to the parts that couldn’t be erased with the rest of him as he left. Because you needed him, you had him, and now he’s gone. No warning, no letter, no signs which could’ve helped you foresee such a tragedy, because how could he? He didn’t disappear on purpose.

She doesn’t understand why he's so absent. So unequivocally missing. And the person she would turn to to ask these riddled questions isn’t there to answer. Because he’s gone.

But they’re not there yet.

And she feels so close to that feeling - the helplessness, the pain, the empty cups next to her bed because he always carried them to the sink when she was finished with her tea the mornings of those rare days they got to sleep in. Those days when they had time. She can practically touch, with the tip of her fingertips, the waves of pain that would surge over her if he was gone for one more fucking minute.

She has to remind herself, over and over again, like a mantra. He’s not gone yet.

The “yet” at the end of her mantra just breaks her all over again.

She was always the one to tell Spencer “if you worry before something happens, in case it goes wrong, and then it does, you’ve managed to suffer twice through something painful for absolutely no reason”. It usually worked. Needless to say, she felt like a hypocrite right about now.

Because Spencer is gone. And she doesn’t know how to bring him back.

She knows only to watch the monitor, never once blinking, taking in everything that happened in that damned livestream - every word, every sound, every reference. She can only try to hear anything over the whimpers and sobs her love was letting out as he’s tortured by that man. She can only hear the cracks of his knuckles against Spencers soft skin, the same soft skin she had kissed mere hours ago before telling him to “be careful”. Her own way of saying the three little words the couple was too young to hear. She can only see his lips parting, sobs rumbling out of his body as the unsub abuses his frame over and over again - same lips which had kissed her forehead before telling her “i always am”.

Then again, she isn’t sure if its his voice which is filling her head with painful sounds or if her mind is playing tricks on her, memorising the horrifying vibrations coming from his chest for her to ever consider anything else. She hasn’t stopped hearing him since she turned on that damned computer.

She isn’t sure she’ll ever stop hearing it.

**

As a man of great intellect, Spencer always recurred to knowledge to understand difficult occurrences in his life. Burying himself in textbooks, novels, poems, and even music to understand pain, and himself having a life filled with it, he was an incredibly knowledgeable man.

He knew much. But right now, he only knew one thing.

In Orwells’ 1984, as Winston was being tortured (much like Spencer is right now), Orwell described the following:

“Never, for any reason on earth, could you wish for an increase of pain. Of pain you could only wish one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes, no heroes”.

And, as a man who had acquired most of his intellect by immersing himself in trivial content in the face of pain, he found himself doing the same thing as the unsub hurt him over and over again, each blow seemingly more painful than the last. As his skin bruised, a causality of his abusers torment, he analysed the seemingly logical quote.

It must depend on the person, he was sure. In fact, a number of factors must be taken into consideration at this statement. For starters, Winston lives in a society incapable of any human feelings. There is only dominance, and those who attempt, in vain, to challenge it. Surely, if he had felt happiness, like the one you feel when the first day of spring rolls around, or like the one that creeps up on you as you look into the eyes of your loved one, surely, he would understand that some things can outweigh pain.

Love.

If Spencer’s mind could make sense of what he was feeling right now, he would understand, something he would figure of were he to leave this damned place, that he was thankful to the Gods, were there any, for having the unsub kidnap him and not Y/N.

Winston hadn’t understood emotional pain because emotions weren’t dealt with regularly. They were discouraged. That’s why he believed that there are no heroes in the face of pain. Because he doesn’t understand emotional pain.

He knew he was suffering. He also knew that Y/N was at the other side of the blinking camera suffering more than he could ever imagine.

**

They say emotional pain lasts 12 minutes. Anything one feels after this would be the aftermath of the cause of the pain in question. Pure emotional pain, the one you practically feel in your chest, the one that says “i can’t think, feel or be. not until this feeling dissipates”.

She had learned this from Spencer.

And she wished it were true. As she watched that damned monitor, she wished that all the venom the unsub was spewing at Spencer, all the verbal abuse, was long forgotten. She wished he could only feel the physical pain. Because the mind is incredibly stronger than the body - it could keep him awake, alive, for just enough time for the team to rescue him.

The entire team had huddled around the monitor around her. She was painfully aware that other people were seeing this. Which meant it wasn’t her imagination. It wasn’t another one of those damned dreams she would have when she slept a little too far away from Spencer’s touch.

They had only been together for two months, but his touch was all that could get her to fall asleep.

She jolted as the unsub landed another slap on Spencer’s cheek, swiftly grabbing his hair for him to look into the camera. He had a cut above his right cheek, just where she would kiss him in the mornings, and bruises all over his neck, jaw and left eye.

“Say hi to your team!” he mocked Spencer, chuckling darkly as he moved his almost lifeless body around for the team to watch in horror. Spencer let out a heartbreaking sob, feeling so vulnerable.

“Why don’t we make this interesting?” he jumped, as if he had gotten an idea. The unsub reached behind himself to grab a pistol, clicking off the magazine safety to put one bullet in one of the eight slots, leaving the other seven free. He pointed it at Spencer’s temple.

Her entire body shook the thought of seeing Spencer’s lifeless body, held up only by the ropes and that sick man’s grip around his curls. The same curls she grabbed as she kissed his face when she wanted his attention.

“I’m going to ask you some questions...” he said, voice dripping with sickening sweetness as he turned the roulette, “and if i don’t like your answer i’ll pull the trigger! Let God decide what I do with you. Sounds good?”. He wanted to humiliate Spencer.

However, Spencer made the mistake of not answering him. He was quickly reminded as the barrel of the gun pointed right between his eyes, pulling the trigger, a loud bang! sound expanding through the barn.

“I asked you a question!” he suddenly yelled into Spencer’s face.

“Y-yes, Sir” he whimpered, shaking at the ease at which the man pulled the trigger.

“Good, you’re learning”.

**

She experienced it by bits. Hotch’s hoarse voice. “Talk to me Garcia”. “We’ve got coordinates”. Everybody rushing to the SUVs. Tripping over her own feet on the way to the car. Morgan’s voice. The iPad, which still carried Spencer’s whimpers and the man mocking tone.

“I’ve got your diary, Spence” his sing-song voice didn’t match the disgusting man she was looking at. Nothing made sense.

“And I wanna know why...” he drew out the ‘y’ as he looked for something between the worn pages between his hands.

Of course she knew Spencer owned a diary. But she was mature enough to keep her hands to herself and her eyes on her own pages as he wrote on his, eyebrows creasing as he recalled all which he had experienced during the day. His face would twitch slightly at the memories, both good and bad, as he basically described his day word by word.

“...why did you wait until you were 24 to lose your virginity?” he asked in a clear attempt to humiliate and ridicule Spencer in front of his team.

“I-I didn't-” he could barely finish a word before a sob wrecking through his body at the humiliation, chest rumbling and voice wavering. “I didn’t want to lose it before, i w-wasn’t in a hurry” he rushed out. The man brought the pistol to his own chin, tapping it as he thought. “Hmm... I’m satisfied with your answer. Let’s dig deeper, shall we?” he asked as he went back into the pages.

“ooh! This one is new” that sick bastard was having fun with this, completely unaware that the team was less than 5 minutes away from their location.

“Care to read what you wrote three days ago? Right here” he turned the pages so Spencer could read them, though he was painfully aware of that entry he was talking about. His body shook violently. “P-please. D-don’t ma-make me do t-this” he whimpered, body feeling defeated.

“Wrong answer” the unsub said before pointing a gun at him and pulling the trigger.

A shriek was heard from the iPad. The SUV went silent.

“He’s alive” she whispered, unable to speak up. “He-” she swallowed. “He’s alive. We’re not there, yet” her mantra became a reminder that she hadn’t been quick enough to help him. She had the tools to save him. Every second she had the knowledge to save him and didn’t was another second she remained impotent at the risk of losing the love of her life.

Spencer’s voice spoke from the iPad.

“C-can you at-at leas-st turn off t-the ca-amera?” he said between sobs.

And it hit her.

What hurt him the most wasn’t the memories he had to relieve, but the fact that the rest of the team would have to hear his most intimate thoughts. His deepest secrets.

He could bare the pain. The humiliation? That broke him.

“Aww” the unsub chuckled mockingly, “are you embarrassed?” he said, slouching down to look into his eyes. “Well too fucking bad!” he screamed into his face, spitting with every word he spewed at him. Spencer’s sobs got louder.

“O-okay okay!” Spencer caved, accepting the journal that got shoved into his face.

“Read, pretty boy” the unsub sang. That son of a bitch was having fun.

“We’re two minutes away, Y/N” Hotch said. Maybe it was he sobs, which were barely audible to herself, having accepted them as second nature after all the heartbreak she was experiencing, but Hotch needed her to be okay.

His own heart thumped into his chest, feeling as helpless as he’d ever felt. Seeing a member of his team - someone he was supposed to take care of, someone he was supposed to keep safe - was sobbing as he was physically and emotionally tortured. But he was painfully aware of the feelings Y/N was experiencing. The sheer fear that was running down her veins at the idea of them running out of time.

After a few sobs, Spencer started reading, interrupting himself occasionally with his whimpers:

“It’s been three months. Today, three months, seven hours and forty-six minutes ago, she did what I didn’t have the courage to do. She asked me out. “I’ve been wanting to ask you pretty much since the day i met you” she had said. Those words keep ringing in my head like a beautifully written symphony, intrinsically designed to make me face my deepest fears. Opening my scars one by one, dissecting them and reaching the simple conclusion that i was a coward.

She didn’t say it, but what she meant was “i’ve been waiting for you to do it, but you never did, so i had to”. We wasted time - a time so precious and sacred - because i was a coward.

I’ve never felt like this before. I never understood a love so deep as to move something so stubborn as the human spirit. I’ve read textbook after textbook, and novel after novel, and still I’ve never learned more than with her. But I was a coward. And i wasted her time. I fear that I still am.

A knife twists at the thought that i should fall short of the mark. It’s impossible for me to ever be enough for her”.

Her heart broke at this confession. Even worse at the thought that he wouldn’t’ve told her, instead inhaling fear and exhaling rejection at every breath he took next to her.

“We’re here” she heard Hotch, looking at her. She grabbed a bottle of water and dropped the iPad, not hearing the teams objections at the lack of vest and preparation and ran into the barn.

She isn’t sure if she’ll ever stop hearing his whimpers. As she runs closer, she hears them louder and louder, decorated with sobs and cries, and small, meaningless replies to his abusers’ mocking words.

She kicked the door down, the loud bang booming across the room, only helping in raising Spencer’s sobs as he feared the sound had been the result of a certain trigger being pulled. As she looks at him, she realises just how much pain he’s been put through.

She remembers Orwells words, much like how Spencer had remembered them mere hours ago. And disagrees, wishing over and over, praying to the Gods that she would be the victim of such atrocious abuse. She wished she could take his pain. Morgan joined her at her side mere seconds later, yelling. “FBI! Put the gun down!”.

Spencer used the last bit of energy to lunge forward, hitting the unsubs stomach with his head, successfully getting him on the floor for Morgan to apprehend. Y/N rushed to Spencer’s side, untying him, as his now nonexistent sobs grew louder and louder, not only at the prospect of getting out of that horrible place alive, but also at the knowledge that Y/N had heard what he had so dreadfully recited.

Spencer collapsed into her arms, crying into her in the same way she was crying into him, and she wondered just how to take away all his pain. So they cried into each other, desperately grasping each others hair, skin, clothes, anything that would make them feel like they wouldn’t have to spend another damned second without the company of each other.

Spencer was the first to break the silence.

“I need-” he stopped, coughing. She reached for the bottle of water she had brought with her because she knew he would need it. She always knew what he needed.

He chugged it desperately, stray drops falling down his chin at his eagerness. He took a deep breath trying to steady his lungs.

“I need to get out of here” he choked out.

She grabbed him under the shoulders, careful not to hurt him - not being successful, realising that there wasn’t much of him the man hadn’t hurt. Y/N pulled him out, sitting down on the grass with him. Their legs intertwined, pulling each other impossibly closer. They kissed, over and over again. Not as an act of any sexual relevance, but as a reminder that they had each other in any way, shape or form. That they weren’t out of time.

The team was certain they would stay there, never letting each other go for another minute.

After what felt like seconds in their time-starved little world, she broke the silence, which had only been filled with their own cries and occasional sobs.

“Spence” she grabbed his chin to look into his eyes. They were dull, red and hooded. He was exhausted. “Mhmm?” he let out, looking into hers. She was his solace.

“How could you ever think you were anything but completely and unequivocally enough?” she whispered the words he dreaded.

But as Spencer looked into her eyes he knew, better than he had ever known anything, that he was enough. And she was enough. He realised that which she had known for the past three months (possibly longer). They fit like two marvellous puzzle pieces.

Her hands grabbed his cheeks slowly, as to not hurt or startle him, pulling his forehead into hers. “Baby, I can’t imagine anybody else waking up to me every morning. You’re so much more than enough”, she planted a small kiss on his forehead before resuming her position. “I’ll remind you every day of the rest of my life if that’s what it takes for you to believe it”.

And with their eyes closed, foreheads and noses pressed together and legs tangled between each other, pulling each other close, closer - around grass and voices and his abuser pressed into the hood of a police car, they only felt each other. With their shaky breaths, even shakier voices, fearing any words that would leave them in case they triggered a cascade of tears down their oh so vulnerable cheeks, they were more than enough.

***

I hope y’all liked it!! Feel free to let me know by liking, reblogging, or sending me a message :) 

super cool kid taglist: @lady-anon-x​ @spencerreid-mgg​​ @eoupe​ @inlovewithbabygirl​ @galaxydefenderjulia​ @username2002​

[twoflipstwotwists]

Becky Downie has missed out on an Olympics before. In a 13-year gymnastics career, which has seen her win 14 major medals, she felt the heartbreak of watching a home Games from the sidelines in 2012. But this time is different, she says.

On Monday, her shock omission from the Tokyo 2020 team was announced, and she now says she can “never forget” the turmoil she endured from British Gymnastics during the selection process.  She also hints that her treatment was influenced by her decision to speak out at the culture of abuse within gymnastics, suggesting she was “made to feel not welcome” at the sport’s training hub at Lilleshall after going public.

In an exclusive interview with Telegraph Sport, Downie describes the last few weeks as "the hardest of her life". She had thought things could not get worse than 2020: Olympic postponement, the fallout after she joined whistleblowers to speak publicly about what she described as "normalised" abusive training environments, and her father's time in intensive care battling Covid-19.

But last month tragedy struck when her brother Josh, 24, died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition while playing cricket. It was news Downie says "you never imagine receiving". To make things worse, she received the devastating call on the eve of the final Olympic team trial, while apart from her family at a hotel in Cardiff.

"I got a knock on the door after midnight, and my first thought was it must be drug testers," Downie says of that night. "I was half asleep, completely dazed. The coaches came in and when they told me [that Josh had died], I thought, am I actually dreaming this? There are really no words to really describe it. There were a lot of tears. It was the longest journey of my life, getting back to be with my family in Nottingham."

Sat in her living room in Nottingham now, Downie still has a look of disbelief on her face as she describes the events of the last few weeks. Condolence cards are placed around the room to mark how raw and recent her family's grief remains. Mounting more pain on top of that seems unimaginable, but the blows have kept coming.

Just two months ago, she was on top of the world after executing what she believes is a world leading uneven bars routine. At 29, she felt in the form of her life. When she posted a video of her routine online, major champions were applauding her in the comments, even the legendary Nadia Comaneci. Downie believes the routine put her in contention for a gold medal.

But last Friday her appeal was denied, and British Gymnastics confirmed she would not go to Tokyo. It is less than two years since she won a stunning silver medal at the World Championships - a competition that counted as a trial for the Olympic squad - but somehow she has failed to make even the three reserve spots for Tokyo. Though Downie has wished all of the gymnasts selected the best, she remains baffled by her exclusion - especially because she “met all the criteria” and her trials scores put her top of the rankings in bars.

British Gymnastics have defended the decision, saying they are focusing on medals in the team event, and that Downie's specialism in bars posed a "risk" to this strategy. But it has caused uproar, with a petition calling for an independent review of the selection process receiving 25,000 signatures in the last five days. Beyond selection though, Downie says what hurts the most is the way she believes the decision was made and how she was treated in the process.

After missing the final trial due to bereavement, Downie and sister Ellie were given another opportunity by British Gymnastics to compete for their spot on the team 10 days later. Though Ellie elected not to do so, Downie made the brave decision to take up the offer.

"I know that Josh would want me to, he wouldn't want me not to try," she says. What followed though, was a process where she alleges British Gymnastics lacked "any element of compassion".

They did not allow her to compete at her home gym in Nottingham or at the national centre at Lilleshall. British Gymnastics then rejected a venue she and her coach proposed and instead suggested she return to Cardiff - a six-hour round trip from her home and the very place she had learned of her brother's passing.

"That's the part that hurt me most. I refused. Why would I want to go back there? I don’t think that should have been asked of me at all."

Another venue was confirmed instead, and though British Gymnastics emphasised their intention to replicate as closely as possible the environment that the other gymnasts had competed in in Cardiff - for the benefit of fairness - Downie says it was her that was put at the disadvantage.

New obstacles included British Gymnastics failing to book her training slot at the chosen venue - a basic thing that all of the athletes had for their trial - which saw her make a 90-minute trip and have to plead with the Leisure Centre to remain open. She also had an existing dispute with the governing body because they refused to allow her to use equipment at the trial which more closely resembled that being used in Tokyo. As a bars specialist, this meant she couldn't perform her highest difficulty routine. "It's like telling Lewis Hamilton to get in a Ferrari and drive - in a sport of small margins, and high performance, equipment is always a factor."

Actually competing in the trial, while still reeling from the death of her brother, was "the hardest thing I ever had to do", and she describes national coaches walking past her wordlessly while she “sobbed uncontrollably”. But afterwards, she and Ellie walked out of the gym with "not a doubt in our mind" that she had done enough.

"If I can perform in that environment, which was harder than any Olympic final would ever be, I’m really proud," she says.

But, according to British Gymnastics, it was not enough. Knowing now that the team event was the priority in selection, she believes her exclusion from the team was already a foregone conclusion before her trial.

British Gymnastics "categorically" denies the suggestion that the trial was a "tick box" exercise, and say they trust that selection was decided purely on merit, but Downie is unconvinced. To add insult to injury, she was given a 48-hour deadline to appeal the decision, falling on the day of her brother's funeral.

"It makes me feel sick that they treated me like that," she says. "It hurts me to know the things I had to miss. Picking the flowers for the funeral whilst I was away trialling, a tribute for my brother at his cricket club, which happened when I wasn’t even given a proper training slot. I missed that, for what? There’s so much that was hurtful.

"I'll never forget that. And no amount of apologies will ever make that okay."

Downie and her sister were two of the only current British gymnasts to speak out about abuse in the sport last year, which triggered an independent review commissioned by UK Sport and Sport England. When she was left out of the squad on Monday, lobbying group Gymnasts for Change called it a "sinister warning" being sent by British Gymnastics to whistleblowers.

Does Downie think this outcome is a result of her speaking out? "It's very hard to say... But I definitely know that there has been a big behavioural shift towards me and Ellie, since that point, from certain individuals, decision makers. We’ve gone down to Lilleshall and been made to feel not welcome.

"I have been told by a person of significant importance - in the national team environment - that a lot of coaches do not agree with what we've done. Maybe I did open my mouth a year too soon, I'm not sure. If this is the sacrifice [an Olympics] then this is the sacrifice, change needs to happen. I’m proud of what I did and I don’t regret it."

Tokyo was meant to be her final bow, but now Downie has spent her first week in months out of the gym.

Downie is adamant though that she is not done with gymnastics. Despite the heartache and hurt caused, her love for the sport remains strong.

"It’s hard for me to think, can I be selected for a team ever again? I do know I want to carry on, because I want to show that routine. I haven’t done two years of work to sit on the sofa. There’s a World Championships this year. They certainly don’t have control over my final chapter. I know I want to compete again on my terms."

But the dream of Olympic gold is gone: "I genuinely believe that we could have done it. I think I had a shot at being the first female Olympic champion Britain has had in gymnastics."

[thyandrawrites]

I would like to ask your opinion about 3 views I have.

First is the idea of how Shigaraki, even when he was groomed to become a destruction machine, the moment AFO and Kurogiri (the ones he obeys no matter what) are out of the picture, he instantly thinks on protecting. Protecting the league, not as an organizationz but as the individual members he lates veiw as family. This leaves me thinking that any good in him is not only from Tenko (the pure but traumatized kid), but that Shigaraki Tomura (the vengueance-thirsted villain) also is by nature a relatively good person, just needing GUIDANCE (not fix nor correction) to project his ideals, which are even correct.

Second is how Toga said in the manga that she had a normal life, and I believe, in one way, she has. She has what she WISHES, was a normal life. She can be herself comfortably, people around her don't treat her as a freak or a monster (she even HAS FRIENDS), adults around her care and even parent her (as much as a group of walking disasters with no means to confront trauma can actually parent). Shouldn't that mean someting?

The last thing will be shorter, as, have you watched Naruto? Because a good amount of people liked to imagine Touya as Itachi (the older brother complex guy that sacrificed everything, accepting all the evils of the world, for a better good), when he actually was like Sasuke (the brother that wasn't as talented, so neglected until a tragedy, wanting revenge when wronged, mentable unstable as he discovers he is being used again and again, leading him to form a revolution so he doesn't have to suffer at hands of others anymore).

I would love to see your coments on these ideas as they aren't as developed as yours tend to be. Thank you for the attention, and sorry if you don't understand as english isn't my first language, besaides is too long.....

Your english is perfectly understandable! And your thoughts are interesting so I don’t mind answering.

I definitely agree with your take on Shigaraki! leadership-wise, he’s very different from the model AFO projected and tried to mould him as. I think that AFO’s plan was to raise Tenko in isolation and in constant exposure to his trauma triggers to instigate violence as a coping method, so that he would be more unstable and “broken” when he finally faced off against All Might. What he didn’t expect was for that isolation to serve the opposite effect: once Tenko grows up, once he has trusted comrades, the ties he forms with them are genuine. He does want the best for them, and protects them fiercely in that ruthlessly revengeful way of his. He’s a character who not only has known loss, but whose entire life has been shaped, moulded, distorted by it; so the few bonds he has, he hold on to.

The fact that he cares about his comrades as more than just pawns to use for his own purposes is also what makes him the opposite of AFO as a leader. AFO only seeked out blind devotion. He posed as a messiah, as a saviour. He gave powers away in order to gain followers who would be indebted to him, who would look up to him as an almost god-like being granting them mercy. Ujiko even went as far as comparing him to a buddha. The religious undertones are put there to emphasize that AFO positions himself as several steps above the masses that follow him. He doesn’t see them as individuals, only as a faceless army he can use and abuse at his will.

On the other end of the spectrum stays Shigaraki, who... well.

who is so up and personal with his comrades he lets them grab him, point a knife to his throat, yell at him... Lmao imagine someone grabbing AFO’s collar like that and shouting at him. You’d dream of doing something like that without getting murdered with someone like AFO. But with Shigaraki, it’s perfectly fine, because Shigaraki doesn’t think himself above them. Sure, he IS the leader and demands the respect he is owed for it, but at the same time, he’s a very community-focused type of leader.

He not only gives all his allies freedom to pursue their own goals (even when they directly clash with his), but he also makes time to listen to their needs, to talk at eye level with them. One thing I’d like to point out here is that when the chance presented itself to form an alliance with Redestro’s army, Shigaraki chose to do so specifically because he remembered Compress’ complaint about their homeless, penniless status following Kurogiri’s arrest.

so yeah, the League definitely has distinct found family elements ever since its direction fell onto Shigaraki alone, and yeah, he’s always been more than the tool for destruction that AFO tried to raise him as.

Moving on to Toga. I am 1000% convinced that the reason why she snapped and killed that Saito guy in middle school was because her family (and society) tried too harshly to convert her into something she wasn’t. They made her repress herself to the point where freedom to her ended up taking the shape of a violent rebellion, cause her life up to that point was the expectation to be a “good girl” who behaved herself and didn’t act like a “monster”. But when you take a closer look at her writing, you notice how backwards that narrative of monstrosity actually is. Ever since she joined the League, aka ever since she was free to be herself fully, free to drink as much blood without being shamed as a freak fot, ever since she was fully accepted without having to wear a mask... how many people has she killed by draining their blood? As in, completely on her own, not as a collective action with the rest of the lov? Zero. That’s right. Even Camie, who was kidnapped and held prisoner for three days as a blood bank during the provisional license exam ended up being fine. And she’s a hero in training, lol. Completely at Toga’s mercy.

The thing is, Toga showcases a remarkable ability to control herself and behave with the compassion and “normalcy” that her family demanded of her, when she’s actually treated with compassion and understanding back. She’s literally introduced through the lenses of an outcast and a freak, someone who aggressively tries to get included in things by acting creepy about friendships

cause she supposedly cannot form true bonds with people — she’s too weird, too self-centered.

And yet, she forms the strongest friendship bond of the League all on her own. And it has nothing to do with her obsession with blood, with the fascination for violence that makes her “crush” on people.

Her story shows that what makes people monsters is not nature but nurture. Her own parents called her a deviant, a monster, a demon child, they tried to make her feel shame towards a literal part of her own biology, tried to tell her to suppress it, put her through quirk counseling which is basically an in-universe version of conversion therapy, and then acted suprised when she had a breakdown and killed a kid because her biological need to drink blood became too much for her to suppress anymore. Quirks are just body functions. They could’ve let her explore her powers in a controlled way, but instead chose to treat her as a monster until she internalized that it was okay for her to be violent. She could be the monster everyone treated her as.

But it’s in the League that she learns true compassion and empathy, enough so to actually connect to someone — unlike her failed attempt with Tsuyu and Ochako at training camp. It’s when Twice treats her like a friend, that she learns what actual friendship is like, and is able to give Twice comfort in his moment of need, offering him her hankie so he wouldn’t fear ‘splitting’ anymore.

So yeah Toga is already living a normal life. All she needs is for society to finally give her the freedom and the understanding that the Lov already offered her, cause that’s the true key to make her “stable” and “normal”. Not violent suppression.

As for naruto, yes I’ve read it! And I agree with you, Dabi’s more like Sasuke than Itachi. Itachi believed in a superior state of things, unlike Dabi believed in institutions over individual morals until his very death, not to mention he was always a golden child, while Dabi was the scapegoat and the disillusioned kid.

[visd3stele]

Sirius and Regulus Black - a tragedy of two brothers

ACT I

the birth of Regulus Arcturus Black

[holding hands:the oldest bond of two against foes]

The night was thick with shadows, plaguing the streets and keeping people to their homes. Two years ago, on a much brighter sky, the stars shone over the Grimmauld place number 12, welcoming the cries of a strong baby. Now, they seemed to retreat, as if the guilt of the fate they beheld shuffled out their light in shame and grief while the whole house was awake, tending to the needs of the newest member of the Noble House of Black.

Another boy, Walburga smiled. When Sirius Orion was born, the witch sighed with relief: an eligible heir. But this second son, he was a gift. Not a necessity, not a requirement, but her own bundle of silent joy. For Regulus cried so little, when he first met the unfamiliar hands of house elves passing him here and there to clean and dress him. As soon as Walburga fed him, though, he stilled, content to just take in every inch of the wide, new world he faced. The witch's smile widened, lips curled in an approving grin. Sirius had been so loud and fussy. That boy couldn't stop bubbling, demanding attention, tiring his mother and disturbing his father. He managed to wrong even in his sleep, for the baby would sleep for hours, no sound too loud to wake him, no movement too sharp to startle him. But as soon as evening settled, Sirius would open his eyes and cry and laugh or just make those noises babies usually made. It caused Walburga to cringe so many times over the years, as her son's improper behavior didn't and had no hope to improve.

But this second son? Yes, it was no doubt, Regulus Arcturus Black would be his mother's favorite.

Sirius met his little brother the morning next. His father actually picked him up for the occasion, holding him so tight as if afraid to drop him. But Sirius clinged to Orion's side with as much strength a two years old baby could muster. Even though he could walk and mumble a few sentences already, the heir of the House of Black enjoyed being carried around. Levitated by house elves, or fussed over by honorable guests, spoiled with magic toys by his parents - mostly to get him to sit still and silent.

The moment he saw Regulus, the brightest light filled his smile. And in turn, it became the warmth source of the room. "Reg'us", Sirius declared, when Orion sat on the soft mattress next to his wife and placed their first born in between them. Walburga held her son out, reluctantly showing him off to his brother and to her husband.

"Now, Sirius. His name is Regulus."

"Reg'us!" Sirius shouted gleefully. Orion laughed softly while Walburga pursed her lips. But none of it mattered for the boy. With a toothy smile still on display, Sirius leaned in closer to his brother. Their mother's arms a barrier against them, but also a safe place for the new born. His blue eyes were open wide, starring at Sirius who touched the baby's small, thick arm. Regulus pushed his lips with his tongue, the clacking sound causing his brother to chuckle.

"Hi, Reg. 'm your big bro'er."

"Call him on his name, Sirius. He needs to hear it, get used to it."

"Oh, leave them be, Walburga. Brothers bonds are very important, you know."

As usual, Sirius paid little mind to his parents quarrel. His whole attention was beheld by the little baby, no bigger than one of his plush toys gifted to him by his uncle Alphard on his birthday. He touched Regulus' arm again. This time, he lingered, pocking him slightly and gaining another funny sound out of his baby brother. Snickering, Sirius leaned more into his mother's side, sitting himself almost on her lap. He bumped Reg's nose. And again, until he start to move in Walburga's arms. Waving heavy hands in front of him in defense of his big brother's attacks.

"Stop it at once, Sirius Orion Black!" The witch warned, tucking Regulus away. She shushed the baby kindly, shifting his position to be able to better cradle him. If he didn't know any better, Orion might have believed Walburga made faces at their son, humming gently to restore him to his peace as she rocked him from left to the right so slowly he barely caught the movement of her arms.

But Sirius was a very stubborn child. And once an idea got into his head, one could hardly stop him from achieving it. He braved through his mother's cold anger and landed between her tights. He placed his head right under Walburga's elbow and pushed himself up through a loop in her bent arm until Sirius found himself in his mother's embrace, looking down at a curious looking Regulus. He waved and the baby plucked his tongue out.

Orion then laughed alongside his oldest son, marveling at the sight. Granted, his wife looked nothing the part of a loving mother, especially when she scowled down at Sirius in clear distaste. But sitting there, with his family, the woman who brought him two beautiful boys in this world having both of them tucked in her arms, Orion Black allowed himself to be awe struck. He wondered if this is what a happy family looked like, free of expectations to fulfill and appearances to keep. Free of egos big enough to shadow the wizarding England and plans and schemes to match.

The patriarch of the Most Noble and Most Ancient House of Black put an arm around his wife, enveloping their sons as well. Just in time to catch grey eyes fixed on blue ones in a silent sort of camaraderie only a sibling bond creates.

It was as if the world stopped spinning to witness the Black brothers first time together. The air felt heavy around the curtains of the old four-poster bed. The hair on Orion's arms rose and Walburga felt a shiver down her spine. The fates begin to work and they sew something great for the kids in her arms.

Unaware at the strong magic flying around them, the boys kept looking at each other. Even though Regulus's smiles were odd looking and anything at all could trigger one, Sirius took every one of them as a small victory. When he tickled his brother's chin like one of the house elves would do to him when his parents weren't looking, when he blew on Reg's face (and he scrunched up his nose) or when he laid his head down near his foot.

Walburga didn't move to take her oldest son off her. In that moment, her husband stroking Regulus' face with one hand while the other played in her hair, her children both resting on her hands, she found a rare sweetness overtaking her. Like the family's needs could be just that: a quiet, happy morning spent in four.

"And you my li'le bro'er, Reg'us." Sirius finished his earlier statement with a sound kiss on his brother's knee. Regulus sent one small, fat palm toward him. And the movement seemed completely knowingly. Sirius took the baby's fist in his and nuzzled it, causing an almost laugh to shake Regulus' body.

He kept his hand there. Even when Orion rose for an important meeting, even when Walburga called for Kreacher to take Sirius away, Regulus kept holding on to his brother. Granted, he actually kept holding to being held, but it became clear soon enough, neither brother wished to be taken away from each other. And their locked hands were their weapons in this fight. No wand, no magic, no glare or plea could separate them.

The stars' wretched fate would come to pass. But for now, the two boys were inseparable and utterly, purely loving each other.

PART 2

requests ; masterlist

[yanderecandystore]

Black and Red take the advantage of Buddy being gone to flirt and drop hints about wanting to have another child with the s/o. Blacks wants to have the s/o be in a relationship now while Red wants to wait a bit more. Also I hope you feel better! Self care is best care :o - Cold Anon

Wow, I loved when I received both of your requests because like- Oh shit this fits so well!

If y'all don't mind, let's make this a complete Headcanon with both of your requests!

TW/Tags: NSFW // Forced relationship // dubcon (I don't condone this actions irl, so please read this with caution if the subject triggers/harms you in anyway) // Poly/Threesome (although it's only like half mentioned because I took way too long to write this lmao) // if you're confused on what is going on, you may want to check this [🧃] // delusional thinking and manipulation // non gender specific yandere boys and female reader just cause I'm kinda want to to make this one female just because- // swearing

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Thank God the walls are soundproof [Yandere!Among Us x F!Reader - Headcanon]:

Okay but let's first have a real talk, like- Imagine your alien dog just went missing out of nowhere, and then these hoes come in and say some shit about "family" and "mating" and all that jazz-

Bitch, my dog just ran away, control your horniness-

I think that they have been up to this point pretty much saying "we dig you, like a lot!" but also making it seem like it's nothing too serious?

Since they know you're unaware of their true feelings and intentions, it felt only right to give you some time and ease you in this relationship as quickly and smoothly as possible. Some flirting and constant compliments should have done the trick, yet you weren't really understanding what they meant with it.

You thought it was weird to see two people suddenly expressing so much affection to you despite the fact they were both married to each other and that you never felt like the type of person to attract people, so seeing two people to openly flirt with you made you think they were only joking around.

It could be their little thing, right? Flirting with other people in front of one another? Yeah, that could be it-

Of course you have assumed the possibility of them being polyamorous and are trying to call you to their family and form a triad, but then again, sounds kinda hard to believe, right? Two people wanting so badly to be with you? Sounds like something straight up out of a fantasy story.

Although, you couldn't lie that you kinda wish it to be true, since they were very pleasant to be around and well… You found them attractive and pretty charming in a weird way. Their romance with one another seemed so passionate and pure that you felt a little jealous and maybe craving a little bit of their attention.

I guess you tried your best to stay oblivious to their advantages either unconsciously or just defensively, as it can be quite shocking to receive so much attention out of nowhere from those two.

They always seemed so… I don't know, in their own little world….

After Buddy had disappeared, their presence had started to seem more stronger, it was so oddly coincidental how they started to act more friendly than ever towards you after Buddy disappeared.

You shouldn't be so suspicious of them, after all, it was only common sense that people would start to be friendlier and start comforting you after a tragedy.

Yet, you still doubted them, and right now you realize exactly why. Their weird attachment to you was starting to make a lot of sense.

It was the third time you had a breakdown after Buddy disappeared, and it's been the third time that they helped you by "comforting you out", even though you don't feel necessarily more comfortable by their constant caresses and odd words- they keep going on and on about how things will get better soon, that you'll be part of bigger family that promises to cherish you and never abandon you.

And although their words were strange and oddly soothing considering that you felt lonely due to your sweet boy running away, you still felt odd about their exact words and expressions that were thrown at you, but you disguised it as "being their awkward way of showing affection". Because it's a lot easier to lie to yourself than to admit that you were surrounded by possibly dangerous people, it was easier to believe that Buddy was going to come back anytime soon than to admit that the possibility of him already being dead was possible.

But sometimes reality will pull your hazy brain to observe the intriguing situation you found yourself in, since you were still a little hazed by the constant crying and the despair you felt for your best friend, it took you some to realize them both cuddling with you and placing small kisses here and there.

Either you had ignored/blocked out the feeling of invasive touches and phrases that were so off the rails, that even if they sugar coated their speech you would still feel threatened by it, or you were simply disassociating from this particular event.

Who would've guessed that being locked in your own room all day with only two people to talk with has started to make you crave their attention? You just felt like letting them touch you and say nice things despite how it felt…. Weird.

You started to feel guilty, to feel awkward whenever they praised you and touched you a little more roughly in more private areas. You felt good yet awful, you felt like this situation was wrong but it did feel right in some weird way.

You felt ashamed of their soft voices- Or more accurately, Red's soft voice and Black's deep breaths covering your skin with each kiss. They seemed to be on their own little worlds, just like you were a couple of seconds ago.

When you tried to free yourself and get up, Red took the opportunity to make you sit in their lap facing your back to them, they shushed you as you noticed Black felt a bit sad at your sudden reaction. You weren't expecting to be stopped from getting away from their hold which made you feel wary of the situation.

You've let them pamper you for too long, you've let them touch you and crave you for way too long. Black took the fact you were stuck on their partner's lap and decided to take a bite for themselves. A deep kiss that although heavenly sweet to them, it tasted bitter and provoked you to start wriggling against Red to get away from their hold. This was starting to be suffocating.

Yet nothing, they didn't let you, they chuckled at your struggles just like a person would chuckle at an infant playing around and trying to get their attention. Red whispered sweet nothings while Black seemed to be enjoying licking your skin, from your shoulder to your neck, it felt good yet somehow a little too… Good? There was something like desperation starting to appear in Black's breathing, their licks felt sloppy and the sounds coming from deep in their chest made your mind hazy, made your body crave more of this mix of rough and soft touches coming from them both.

Yet your mind told you otherwise, your conscious kept telling you about more important things that you should be worrying about. You felt like this was not exactly what you wanted at the moment, but your body was betraying your own thoughts as you felt yourself getting just as needy as them.

You still told Red you felt like this was happening too fast for your comfort, yet they only told you to relax and enjoy the view.

The "view" was Black getting more and more agitated, they seemed high out of their mind if not completely lost in their own instinct. Drooling like an animal, breathing like they have runned up a hill, and although there was only lust and admiration in their eyes, there was something in that frantic laugh that made you feel like there was something else in their hearts.

"- Black, we talked about this… Look at her, your scaring [Y/N], babe." Red said while pushing Black to back off a little, without putting too much pressure, just telling them to get back a little.

Black didn't take it personally yet still whined like a lost puppy. Black surprisingly hasn't said much considering the situation you were all in, you would at least hope for them to say something, yet they couldn't make any comprehensive sounds except for growling and heavy breathing.

"- Can you see it, [Y/N]? It's so adorable when they get like this, it's even better if you let them get impatient, not like you'll have to wait much, they're simply too easy to please, you know?" Red giggled into your ear as Black was grinding the bed like a desperate dog in heat, which still scared you a bit-

How hungry their eyes looked made you squirm and distance yourself from them, which led to Red holding you tighter since you were getting closer to them. It felt like it was normal for them, this sort of ritual, and you just seemed to get yourself involved in, not knowing how to respond to anything.

"- Uhn- R-Red- I…. I think we should go to sleep already-" You said, it was indeed very late, and you were starting to feel like not being part of this- Something was very, very off, your gut told you that much as you started feeling pretty nauseous.

"- So soon? Are you feeling nervous darling? I did tell a certain someone that they should have been more patient, yet they said they couldn't wait any longer-" Red said, mentioning Black who was flustered and angry at how their partner seemed to act so casually about their "condition".

"- But I don't think you need to worry your little head, after it we can go to sleep together, okay?" Red answered you while nuzzling your neck, now they noticed how much they were craving this moment, yet still not as much as their shape shifting partner.

"- No! I-I mean- Shouldn't you two sleep in your own rooms- I think the others would get suspicious of three people sleeping in the same bed." You managed to stutter out, yet you felt like your words had caused more harm than it should have.

Black growled in a more animalistic manner while also hitting their hands in the bed to try to take your attention, their expression was of anger mixed with disappointment.

Red just sighed and shook their head, they put their hand in your face and guided you to look at them, their tone sounded patronizing and disappointed.

"- It's that really what you're worried about? What other people think… This has nothing to do with anyone but us, love. So please try to focus on the now instead of how they'll react. And besides, we wouldn't want to miss this opportunity, now would we?" They said while kissing you just as passionately as Black did. Yet you didn't get what Red meant with that, so you obviously asked.

To which they didn't really respond, just hugged you again after slowly pulling away and saying:

"- Normally we have to wait up to six in six months to get their next heat, but apparently it came earlier than it should have! Isn't this beautiful darling? It's like all the stars have been perfectly aligned for us to be together." Red squeaked excitedly about the pattern of luck they've been having lately! First started with your dog disappearing, then it went to you being more comfortable with them around you, to you downright accepting being part of their family!-

The truth was actually rather bitter, you didn't really agree to any of these and you seemed to have tried to get out whenever you could, but both Red and Black took your lack of response as a sign of acceptance rather than anything else. Why else would you let them cuddle you three times in a roll, if not because of love? Why would you let them kiss you, if not because of love?

"- It's going to be so much fun adding two new members to the family, don't you think love?" Red spoke once again although not really towards you, but rather to their very attentive partner that was fuming with the idea of a new kid ever since their heat began about three days ago.

Thanks whatever cosmic entity to have granted them not only the privilege of holding you for so long during this time of need you were facing, but to also have gifted them this marvelous opportunity. Their species are fertile only periodically, it's not like they can do this any time they want, so to be in heat while your stupid bodyguard is missing it's a fucking miracle.

Yet I guess it would be really rude to mention that to you in person, after all you did love that mutt with all your heart, so-

Well, it's not like Black can express how desperately they want to pounce on you, they go through a thembofication when they're needy like this, besides- What good are words if they can simply let their moans filled the room and let it clear through actions how fucking long they have been craving this.

Your dog would have smelled them a lot sooner and tried to warn you about this, he could have prevented this but it seems like he ditched you, which is so unfair, none of them would ever leave you alone, but who cares about Buddy anymore, right? They're pretty sure that after you have a baby you'll forget him, because children and dogs are literally the same thing, ask Mini Red about it-

The fear that overcomes you when seeing them take off their disguise through your very eyes it's both heartbreaking and a little exciting. It's horrible for Black to see you screaming and trying to get out of the room despite the fact the door is locked tight and the walls being soundproof, were you really that disturbing that you couldn't handle?

Or maybe you realized who has been going around, ya know, eating people? And you thought you would be one too, which seemed to be the first time both of them understood what your worries were.

"- Oh no darling, don't worry okay! Shh- Everything it's fine- Look, we know this is sudden but it only felt right to show you the truth right now. You understand that right?"

Red tried to calm you down while simultaneously putting more fear in your heart.

"- Let me go! I-I- don't want anything to do with- With that thing! Or even you for that matter!" You spat venom at them while you squirmed in the mattress as Red was holding your arms and Black was holding your legs from kicking them.

So much hatred in only one sentence, truthfully, this wasn't going to go so well.

For you, that is.

You'll see that you love them, you see that this pity party you're throwing is absolutely ridiculous, weren't you kissing and whimpering at their touch five seconds ago? Honestly dear, hypocrisy doesn't look good on you.

But maybe you just need to relax a little, and let someone take care of you. Clearly the disappearance of "Whatever his name was" took you by surprise and made a big impact in your consciousness, but after proving you how much they have to offer, surely you'll understand their point of view.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[blueberryjam1201]

Still 17 Drama review

-      What are you drawing? Are you drawing a food?

-      No, I’m drawing a person

-      Who?

-      I don’t really know her that well. But she triggers my curiosity every time I see her…

“A person’s life doesn’t always require a special or dramatic event for it to suddenly change. Sometimes very small and trivial things shake our lives with a force that is stronger than we think…”

This post have minimum spoilers so if you still haven’t watched this drama, you can still do it after reading .Please DO SO! ❤

This is a story about how the fate of two strangers was connected by destiny.

He was watching her every day, fall in love with a girl he didn’t know. She was always walking across the street, standing on the bridge, and daydreaming. He watched her secretly. That was the day when he finally decided that he will give her the portrait he drew. That was the day he was ready to speak with her. Miracle happened when the person who spoke first was her. On the bus, she asked which stop should be the best to get to Cheongan Art Hall. In just a few seconds when he realized who just spoke, he stood up and with excitement explained everything to her. He said NEXT STOP….that was the biggest mistake he made…

That was the biggest reason for the blame he had for next 10 years….

After failed attempt to give her the portrait he jump out of the bus and realized the moon pendant from her bag was somehow stuck on his bag. Not thinking much, he started to run after the bus. He was running and running and then in front of his eyes an accident happened. Standing in the rain he saw the traffic accident and the bus falling down on the ground.

….2 people killed…

…many in critical condition…

But No Soo-Mi, is she alive?

Unfortunately, she was one of the 2 who passed away.

For him this experience and weight of the guilt was unbearable.

13 years passed…

In a random hospital, a woman is lying in one of the rooms. 30 yrs old. No family. In a coma for the last 13 tears. She was only 17 when this happened. Nurses were gossiping about her monthly hospital payment which is always paid but no one knows by who. She doesn’t have any visitors.

Then one day the music was played and bouncing on the hospital walls.

Ears heard…it was an impuls to the mind…she opened eyes!

-      Who’s over there?- she lifelessly asked the doctor and nurses

-      The person who is staring at me….Who is this lady?

She said after looking into the mirror...

Yes, that was her. She woke up with mind of the 17 yrs old teenager. Time has stopped when she was in the bus going to Art Hall….

Characters:

Woo Seo-Ri(Shin Hye Sun) – the main protagonist. She loves playing violin and it’s her dream to stand on the stage and play as a professional. Unfortunately, she is still a teenager mentally, and trying to live in a world of adults is not easy. She is very loyal and honest. Looking for her family, she ended up living in her old house which was a long time ago sold for new owner.

Gong Woo-Jin(Yang Se-Jung) – because of tragedy he experienced in the past he is very cold and closed minded person. Not involving with other people’s life and expecting from everyone the same.  Seo Ri’s appearance is starting a new chapter in his life and helping him to change his indifferent state of mind.

Yoo Chan(Ahn Hyo-Seop) – son of Woo Jin’s sister. He is moving to uncles house for the time when his mother is outside the country. Very pure person and the first one who make friends with Seo Ri.

Jennifer(Ye Ji-Won) – Although all the actors made a amazing effort in playing their roles, I wish to give a big applause to her as a supporting actor. Jeniffer is one of a kind and I will remember her “Call me Jennifer” or “No, No , No” forever ❤ also the tragedy in her story was a masterpiece!

That’s 4 main characters.

I wish to speak about Shin Hye Sun. She is one of my favorite actors. Her acting is on another lever, leading this drama on her back she took me to another world again. All of them are amazing however, I’m sure everyone can agree that her skills are just incredible. She played 30 yrs old woman with 17 yrs old mentality and she nailed it!

Another thing what I wish to mention is romance progress and the main male lead.

I wasn’t convinced with him at the beginning, just another idol playing a not complicated role. Just make an angry face and all be good. No! He is not an idol, but a full-time model and actor and we can see his skills after a few episodes when he is starting to open thanks to Seo Ri. From that point, I just melted. He is so natural! And have beautiful wide smile ❤ Their romance is one of the best things I have seen, natural, without any cringe typical drama “things”. Everything is going so smoothly and it’s so enjoyable! Their personalities just fit each other perfectly.  

Summing UP: This drama is a very deep yet funny masterpiece with a heartwarming message. I recommend it for everyone, and I mean it! This couple is the second-best couple (the first one is HyeSun x JungHyun ❤ hell yes!). All the stories in here have a good script, maybe a little disappointment in the “auntie x uncle disappearing” story however it wasn’t bad, just good.

Anyway! It was long but anyone who reached the end of this post - I really hope you like it! And please leave a heart if you did ❤

Moreover, everyone is welcome for discussion!

[insufferablelust]

THE ARTIST AND HIS MUSE (v)

Hi lovely people! it’s me again with the fifth installment of TAAHM, hopefully y’all enjoy this, as always thank you for your support, and excuse the grammatical errors. As i said before, this story is dark themed, so it can get triggering to some people, please read the warning, and read at your own risk.

WARNINGS : BEWARE DARK FIC. SMUT, Angst to the max, Mental Illness (PTSD, with severe anxiety and depression), Some Fluff, hints/mention of Suicide (doesn’t happen), Psychological abuse (in flashbacks), over sensitivity (both sexual and non sexual), hints of Masochism, Anxiety attack, Soft raw tender moments, aaand thats it.

———————

A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. —Pearl S. Buck.

———🍃———

Little did they know, that night is going to be the beginning of a roller coaster ride.

———//———

It was already late when she opened her eyes the next day, her soft sigh occupied the quiet room as she scanned for the one person she craved the most, biting her lips at the cold left side of the bed sheet. However, he’s kind enough to leave the only thing she could reminisce about last night in a form of a long letter note he left on her night table, written with purple ink,

“Good Morning Y/N,

I hope you’re feeling well, although knowing how anxious you can get, i know your mind would wander off and we don’t want that. If you can remember what i said, then good but if you can’t, i said that i left because it’s more convenient for the both of us, not because i don’t want to be with you. Believe me, watching you sleep right now really put an image inside my memory that i’ll never forget, you’re so beautiful.

I hope you don’t mind, but i put on Debussy on your vinyl right now. I want you to know that we’ll still talk about it, preferably today, maybe we can go have dinner unless we have a case. There are things i never got the chance to say, and i think its time i finally tell you, later.

As for your past, we’ll also talk about that too. But i want you to not worry— yes i’m disappointed still, but i know why you did what you did. We’ll figure out a way.

Lastly, please take care.

Spencer R.”

By the time she had finished reading, her internal being is overflowing with emotions, dangerous ones that she won’t be able to control and she knows this. Her eyes teared up at the sight of ‘Classical Lover Etiquettes’ cued up on her record player. Her legs were incredibly sore, as much as her thighs and arms. There was just so much that’s happening, so much to feel, and she needed to escape.

Her feet dragged her to the balcony, inhaling the scent of life, breathe in heavily as she hoped— cross her fingers hoping to die that the amount of oxygen would be able to drown her from all the confusion, even more so the horrors that started to flows back in. Spencer opened a large deep wound that she had buried a long time ago, and then he showed her the way to paradise. He confuses her as much as she probably confuses him.

She wanted to apologize for being complicated, wanted to get on her knees again and show him how much she needs a savior right now; someone to love, and cherish to get her mind off of the horrible things in the past. She wants him to know that he can help her, by guiding her like he did the night before, by owning her like he said the night before, by loving her like he promised. She needs to be devoted to him, she would do anything for him.

She knows how damaged she is on the inside, she put up a persona every day so people could believe that she’s alive. But the only time she ever felt alive was with Spencer. The only time she ever wished she’s not complicated is when she’s with Spencer, His name consumed her like the opiates she used to take. He owned her soul already and she’s not letting that go. Even if the world stands in her way. She deserves this, this pure thing for once.

So she cried, hard. Hard enough for her neighbors to hear, to check up on her, but she wasn’t listening, she stayed crouched down in her balcony, her vision was blurry and she can’t think of anything— only Spencer.

“Spencer..” was the only thing she remembered saying before she witnessed darkness and drowsiness penetrate her eyes as well as her other senses— sending her to sleep.

———————————

Y/N didn’t even flinched when her father’s screams once again filled her ears, telling her how she doesn’t belong, she isn’t supposed to be here, isn’t supposed to exists. She could smell the strong scent of alcohol from his mouth, clouding her senses, but she refused to give in and cry, in fact she doesn’t feel a thing. Moreover, she’s just bored, her father never got violent with her, never laid a hand on her, neither does her step mother— well not when he’s around anyways.

By the age of 9, Y/N already knew what kind of man her father was, the kind that doesn’t want to admit reality, he’s a violent genius who works in the dark, with barriers covering all sides of his life. He never hurt Y/N physically, like he always claimed. But 12 years of psychological torture will fuck you up, she thought. She lived in isolation, and darkness where the only things she knew.. were alcohol, math, abuse, impending death, and screams.

She doesn’t have anyone related that’s nice to her, enough to shield her from all the abuse. The only person that could bring her peace is Mr. Bones, one of her father’s men. He always looked out for her, he gave her hope ever since she was old enough to know that being told you were never meant to be alive was not okay.

“I apologize, papa. It won’t happen again, I swear it.”

Her eyes stayed on the ground as she feels the warmth of his palm so close to her cheek, she yelled in her mind— her mind telling her to scream at the old bastard to “Hit me!”

“Hit me!”

“Make it hurt!”

“HIT ME!”

——

Y/N felt a jolt, her eyes searching for signs of where she might be but she can’t seem to open her eyes, the smell— is clean like iodine, the next thing she felt was the rough yet strangely comfortable sheets that grazes against her skin, And then she heard the talk, someone’s talking.. She recognized the voice well, so well like its imprinted deep in her soul, She tried to open her eyes.. yet she keeps on missing.

“S-she— i found her pale.. she was so pale and cold.. “ Spencer! her mind screamed, that’s Spencer.

“Spencer!” She tried to yell, but still nothing,

“Spencer please!” Nothing.

“What did her neighbor said?” Hotch!

“Hotch please i’m awake!”

“She was screaming, and they found her clutching her shirt tightly, she was crying and she.. she said my name over and over again, before blacking out.. thats why they called me first after calling 911” Is that true? she has been taking her meds, hasn’t she?

“Did anyone said that she was about to jump or anything like that?”

“No! No! Spencer i’m not suicidal!”

“N-no i don’t know.. Hotch i was with her last night, i should’ve—“

“Please don’t cry! please i’m sorry i love you i won’t do it again!”

“Hey no, she looked like she was having a panic attack. Has she ever mentioned anything about being depressed? or experiencing anxiety attacks maybe?”

“no... no... don’t tell him Spencer, you promised.”

“Stop the silence, Spencer you promised you won’t tell anyone.”

“N-no.. not that i know off.. she wanted company so i stayed with her, we watched movie.”

“Spencer...” She tried again, believing that it won’t work, he won’t hear her, maybe she’s not even here anymore— just floating away from her body. But when she saw his head turned towards her, she sighed contently, letting go of all the burden for a second just to hear him mutter her name in silence and peace.

“Y/N... you’re awake wait let me—“ before he could exit the door, Hotch pulled him back a little, telling him that “It’s okay, let me get the doctor.” Leaving Spencer and her alone.

Her heart rate accelerated as he sat down on the chair next to her, eyes filled with worry and fear— Y/N couldn’t take it, couldn’t bare to see how broken he looks, because she was selfish and complicated, because she was damaged.

“I-i wasn’t... trying to.. jump” Her voice came out laced with fragility, all raw and quiet. She’s trying to tell Spencer that she’s alright, as long as he’s here she’ll be alright. “Don’t.. please don’t blame yourself, it was an anxiety attack, a bad one.”

“Have you been taking your meds?” There it is, the question she has been hoping she wouldn’t have to answer. She looked down at his trembling hands, reaching to grab it but unable to do so because she realized now that she was restrained to the bed.

“Why am i being restrained?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“No Spencer i haven’t! now why am i restrained? i’m not a danger to anyone.” Y/N half yelled with a cracked voice, closing her eyes tightly at the tears that’s threatening to spill out of her eyes.

“Miss Bones, i see that you’re awake now.” Her eyes never leaving the sight of her cuffed wrist, ‘did they honestly thought you were planning on killing yourself?’

“I’m not suicidal, i’m an FBI agent for god’s sake.” The tone of her newfound voice surprised everyone including Spencer.

“Then why were you unconscious on the balcony of your apartment?”

“Because i haven’t been taking my pills! look, i haven’t for years now and i was fine. It was just rush of emotions, and i got overwhelmed okay? doesn’t mean i was going to jump. Believe me thats the last thing i would’ve wanted.” The last bit was a whisper, indicating the raw pain behind it. It was the truth, moments before you passed out you were thinking of Spencer, of how he’s your savior.

“Okay, Agent. We believe you, now why don’t you get some rest, and we’ll have you prescribed for something stronger, meanwhile i’m going to take the cuffs off” The doctor replied gently, except you know he’s not a doctor well he is but he’s a psychiatrist. Great, now everyone think she’s crazy.

——————

After the incident, you rarely talked to anyone on your team not because they don’t want to but because you won’t let them. You’ve caused enough pain, so the last thing you want to see is the pity on their eyes and face, it was nice seeing how they care though— sometimes in the mornings you can hear Garcia and JJ dropping new baskets full of goodies and treats for you to try. Sliding a note underneath your door before leaving.

Hotch insisted you to take a month break, which you would’ve tried to argued but you knew you didn’t stand a single chance. You could’ve lose your job, he could’ve fired you for lying about your psychological problems and endangering yourself but he didn’t, though he wanted you to take the break, and do another psych eval, so you agreed.

The bad thing about not going to work, except the obvious fact that you miss your work family and you missed out on catching men women alike your father and his killer— is not seeing Spencer often enough. It made you anxious just thinking how he’s doing constantly, Prentiss has said in a text that ‘he seems okay, just a little off’ in which you ended the conversation quickly, not wanting to let invasive questions spring up to life.

You’ve tried to contact him multiple times, yet he never answered the calls, there was one time where he had responded your text; it was the one after you told him that you haven’t eaten and taken your meds because thats what you do now, pretending like he actually listens you, that day you heard a knock, before finding out that there was a box of pizza; the tuna, with creamy mushroom kind, your favorite. Spencer is the only one who knew about it, so it was him. You cried that night knowing that he was close... yet you didn’t see him.

After that, nothing. Nothing at all, until it was your 17th day isolated in your apartment trying to get better. A therapist from FBI was supposed to come today, checking up on you, Hotch’s order. So when you heard a knock, you opened the door without looking.

“Y/N...”

“Hi you must be the— Spencer?” You eyes went wide as you recognized the person standing at your door, you swear your knees buckled finally seeing him again after so long. His hair seemed longer, his eyes has bags under them, he doesn’t look fine.

“Spencer, you look—“

“Can i come in?” His voice startled you, it was deep, deeper than you remembered it last.

“Yes, yes please come in..” You watched him enter your house, eyes scanning through every bit of everything, probably profiling your condition. So you let out a chuckle as you close the door, “I’m fine Spencer, unless you didn’t notice, i’m doing therapy 3 times a week plus routine visits from every therapist in town it seemed like. So i’m good” the tone of your voice reflects sarcasm and you know it, but how can you help it when he wont even look at you.

“Thats good..” He mumbled, sitting down on the couch where you two talked the last time about your past, you remembered that night’s event so clearly you could’ve sworn you have an eidetic memory. “You haven’t been sleeping have you?”

“no.” you sat down next to him, deciding that you shouldn’t touch him even if you wanted to.

“Why?”

“Because i worry about you.”

“Spencer, i told you i’m—“

“No! no you can’t say that you’re fine, again. do you know what you did me? after the night we had, you basically suffered an anxiety so bad you collapsed on your balcony, while whispering my name. You don’t get to say that you’re fine, i deserve more Y/N.”

You didn’t flinched even once when you heard his voice raised, if anything you just close your eyes and not let the volume of his voice get inside your head, “Everyone who yells is the same like your father, wake the fuck up” is what your mind been telling you but you refused to listen to it, Spencer is good, he’s a good man. So you controlled your breathing for a second before opening your eyes to see Spencer’s face begging for answers.

“You’re right, you deserve answers and you’ll get your answers but can you please listen to me and don’t interrupt? Spencer, i need the space if you want me to tell you, the space to make you understand.” Your palm move on top of his to see his reaction, you expected him to swat your hands away or at least flinched but strangely he let out a pleasant sigh, like he was relieved, like every weight has been lifted off of him.

“Okay, i’m sorry for—“

You cut him off before he could say what he’s sorry for, you don’t need it— his reactions are normal, too normal that it makes you fall in love with him over and over again. “Shh, don’t. You don’t have to explain, you don’t have to respond, just.. wait here, i’ll tell you everything okay..?”

With a nod you get from him, you stand up to make two chamomile teas, bringing it to where Spencer is sitting on the couch, then after you put on Gymnopédie on your record player, you sit down next to him. To your surprise, he leaned and laid his head on top of your thighs, curling up on the couch— which sent a smile to your face, you haven’t smiled for so long and of course Spencer Reid is the one who put your first smile since.. you don’t even remember when.

————

“It’s one of my favorite, I love the serenity of it.” You whispered, as your fingers ran through his soft hair. Relaxing your back against the couch and enjoying the tune of one of your favorite classical of all time. Spencer smiled at that, you swore the smile could lit your insides like nothing else.

“I’m a beethoven guy, but i guess Satie is alright..” He laughs, his laugh sounded like heaven, his smile and laugh makes you dizzy. This is the Spencer that makes your heart pound ten times faster, and the one that makes you lost for words each time, the one that you’ll love... too fast Y/N, too fast.

“Of course you are, it’s not hard to see..”

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

Spencer looked up at you, he looked so pure like this, like he was made to justify every wrong things that has been done, like he’s an angel that protects the earth from filth. He’s pure and tender, it takes all of your willpower to not lean down and kiss him.

“Oh yes, explanation.” You laughed awkwardly, eyes refusing to meet his. “Look at me, please” You shake your head at his demand, your eyes still trailing to where the record player is going.

“Look at me, Y/N.” You did, you looked. Under any other circumstances, the authoritative tone would instantly leave you dripping wet ready to submit to him. But this time, you only whimpered and nods.

“Good girl, now tell me” He cupped your cheeks, the gentle gesture sent you to oblivion.

“I don’t know where to start..”

“I heard the beginning is a great start.” His lips tugged into a wide smile, you heart warmed at the sight before you sigh, your fingers still curling and uncurling itself on his hair.

“I opened up to you that night, it’s something strange for me, i told you something that i swore i would never tell anyone, but i told you because.. because you were right, you are right Spencer. And i guess after that we took it to a whole new different level, i want to be able to do all the things with you and cross all boundaries but it’s something new to me, so that morning when i... woke up alone, it was scary, i felt so small and sad in such a big space. I was overwhelmed, by the thought of letting another person in, i don’t wanna take it slow but then again the transition won’t be easy for me.” Spencer opened his mouth as he was about to say something, but you simply leaned in shakily and press a quick peck on his lips as a sign that you’re not done yet, to your surprise he pulled you down one more time and let the kiss linger this time before letting you pull back, whispering a small “go on.”

“I lived in isolation most of my life, the only taste of real life emotions i ever got was the moment right after my graduation. The man who saved me, he teached me social skills, and the basics of.. of having this gift of rawness emotions. But i’ve been so closed off, i realized its just not possible for me to fall in love or feel such a strong emotion towards another, the only strong emotion i’ve ever known before this was.. hatred towards my father and his killer.

I had PTSD when i was 13, consistent with severe anxiety and depression, at one point Mr.Bones insisted that i...i started talking to myself, admitted me to a psychiatrist where i got my.. antipsychotics for um the voices. But i came out well, and he promised me that if i was able to make it, he would change my identity, stripped me out of my old misery, give me a new one, my father was a very very important man where he worked, so does his men including Mr.Bones. Thats why before i was 21, there’s no record of Y/N Bones existed because.. i didn’t, i never existed.”

Y/N ended it with a smile, looking down at Spencer whose eyes brimming with tears. She shook her head, her trembling fingers wiping the traces of tears. “Hey no no, please don’t cry, please it’s hurt to see you cry..” She whimpered.

“Spencer please say something..” Her eyes pleaded with her, as he sat up, before inching closer to her and before she even processed the warmth of his body, his lips pressed themselves against hers in a gentle loving way. His thumb stroking her soft supple cheek, as his lips took its time to explore every inch of hers, imprinting how it feels so he can remember it all the time. Y/N wrapped her arms around his neck as he guided her to his lap, pulling back a little.

They stared at each other for such a long time, before Spencer move his hand downward— tugging on her shirt. “Do you want to?” His voice rise your goosebumps to wake, all the adrenaline rushing through your core as you nod eagerly. “Please”

——————

“Tchaikovsky.”

“what?”

“This is tchaikovsky.” Spencer looked up at her, seeing how needy but beautiful she is, her skin glistening under the dim lights, her lashes are wet, her eyes glassy, and her lips bitten raw. He smiled admiring her before continuing his exploration down her labia, stroking it gently— almost like he’s teasing her.

“yes Spencer this is, Oh god!” you stopped mid-sentence as you felt the warmth of his tongue exploring from her slit up to her clit, flicking the sensitive button gently— Holy mother! doesn’t he know how sensitive she is?

“I’m pretty sure Tchaikovsky isn’t god, Princess.” the doctor giggles as his fingers tracing her tummy gently, caressing every mark every curve every indent every scar so so gently to show her how much he appreciates her, appreciate her beauty— all of it.

“Shut up!” She whined and shuddered as she feels him burying his face against her sensitive pussy, tongue swiping side to side at her slit as his nose bumps against her clit sending intense pleasure throughout her body making her jolt and convulse as she tug on his hair.

“Are you sure that’s wise, princess? i’m the one in charge of your orgasm here” Her legs quivered, his tongue push inside her and explore every inch of her inside— moaning at the taste and catching every drop.

“Sorry! so sorry Spencer, just don’t stop!” Oh how sweet is that, her voice cracked at the end, meaning he’s doing a good job. And the boy wonder does seek for praises sometimes.

“Never planning on it, love.” He mumbled against her pussy before inserting two fingers in, and moving them in a brutal pace whilst her tongue and lips sucking on her clit.

“Oh! Spencer, you’re so good at this” Her eyes shut tightly, as her fingers gripping his hair— she’s practically grinding against his face which he moaned at the sight and taste of her, oh so heavenly.

“C’mon Princess, come for me then i will give you what you’ve been waiting for” oh the way she clenched around her fingers so tightly, made him groaned and shut his eyes tight as he works her over the orgasm

“Spencer! oh! thank you!” Every inch of her skin was burning and her brain was mush. So much pleasure, that she could die happily now. Her body shivers still, when he comes up to leave tiny kisses on her face. “Good girl.” Spencer then align himself at her entrance, sliding the tip up and down her pussy.

“Ready, princess?”

“Yes.. yes please?” With a smile on his face, Spencer bent Y/N’s knees before pushing the tip of his cock inside of her slowly, indulging in the velvety warm walls that welcomed his cock. The feeling is like home. Her mouth agape, as her eyes roll at the back of her head, and her fingers intertwined with his.

He stilled inside her for awhile as he let out grunts of how “so warm and tight, pet” she is. He then leaned down to press a gentle loving kiss on her lips before thrusting his cock in and out of her slowly, keeping the pace light as they both relinquish all the frustrations out, and indulging in each other’s warmth. It’s perfect.

“so— full, Spencer..” Her desperate whimpers was the one that egged him to move faster, thrusting his hips so every-time he thrusted in, the sounds were slapping of skins and their moans. But when one particular deep thrust, her cunt involuntary clenched around his cock and she screamed “Thats it! thats it fuck!”

Spencer grinned, before letting go of her hand to grip her waist, pulling her closer to him then continue to fuck her with a torturous brutal pace, hitting the spot over and over again. “I’m not going to last if you keep- fucking clenching that tight cunt Y/N” He warned, eyes glinting with a dangerous look like how he was that night. Feral.

Strings of plea left her mouth as she arched her back, he was so deep— filling her to the brim and making her feel good.

“Please cum inside me!”

“I will baby, i will. But first you gotta cum alright? can you do that? i know you can, c’mon” His breathing labored as he move even faster, her headboard banged against the wall, and her body bounced. With one final deep thrust, they reached their peak, and shuddered at the feeling. Spencer pulls out before grabbing a wet cloth from the beside table and carefully wiped her sensitive areas, causing goosebumps that were dying down to rise again.

“Swan lake” Was the first thing she muttered as her legs still quivering, Spencer looked up at her confusedly as he set throw the cloth to the dirty hamper and laid down beside her once more, cuddling her to his side.

“What?” he asked, his fingers running through her hair.

“Tchaikovsky’s, Swan lake was playing.” They both laughed at her answer, shaking their heads. It wasn’t until Y/N’s eyes flickered to his hazy ones, that they muttered it together,

“I love you—“

“I love you—“

———————

TBC!

As always, TAGLIST is open, blurb requests are also open any genre of course, send them in along with suggestions and/or constructive criticisms! thank you. Just message me or send me an ask :) thank you for supporting. I’M SO SORRY FOR THE REUPLOAD, the TAGS DOESNT WORK TUMBLR IS MEAN TO ME AGAIN❤️

( @blancastans @spencerwaltergubler @slutforthegubes @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @babybloomer @liaabsurd @midnightsubmissives @addie5264 @maybankslut @secretpickleprofessordean )

[jostenneil]

Do you have any fav anime dads?

ok so i am going to go out on a limb here and assume you would like for these dads to be somewhat respectable father figures, as i Have been prone to liking some of the more questionable ones (tho purely for purpose of exploiting a good tragedy!), so i hope the following are perhaps enjoyable to you as well as new. i tried not to go for the standard and popular ones bc lbr, that would render the point of this list moot 

seiji (balancing toy, yamakawa aiji) - one of the sweetest father figures i’ve had the pleasure of reading about. i can’t necessarily go into detail about why i love him so much without spoiling the series, but i love him bc it’s rare to find a story about a step-father and his step-daughter that doesn’t devolve into the prevalent pedophilic trend. he’s patient, kind, and feels almost like his step-daughter’s best friend, and it’s so sweet seeing the two of them try to parse what exactly they mean to each other in terms of their mutual trauma, bc his wife (and his step-daughter’s mother) has been dead for ten years. they wonder if their connection to each other is strong enough despite the person who forged it no longer being there, and it’s really wonderful to see that parent-child relationship between them mature 

tsutomu mukae (kids on the slope, yuki kodama) - admittedly, tsutomu’s role in this series isn’t super pronounced. he’s not someone who moves the plot forward nor is his own fate important in the grand scheme of things. rather, he’s a constant to return to for the primary characters in the narrative. he’s wise, he’s stable, and most of all, he’s not judgmental. these kids go through such harrowing identity crises over the course of the story, and he’s always there to joke around, to ease the burden a bit on their shoulders, to just jam out in the basement below and let the music take over. he’s a father figure whom they can depend on, and i think it’s also interesting to view the tragedies of the kids through his own lens, bc he’s helpless to stop some of their plummets, but he loves them and cares for them nonetheless 

kohei inuzuka (sweetness and lightning, gido amagakure) - one of the cutest single fathers omg! the series follows him and his daughter, tsumugi, shortly after his wife dies, and how he adjusts to being a single parent who can properly take care of her, with the focus being on him learning to cook for her. he’s rly earnest, kind, and hard working, and it’s also sweet to see how he bonds with one of his students, kotori, who’s kind of a loner bc her parents are divorced. her mother is a famous chef, so she helps kohei improve his cooking skills, and in turn he kind of takes her under his wing as a faux-daughter/big sister to tsumugi. the way the series navigates his trauma around losing his wife and the pressure of living up to her memory is rly sweet when it’s intertwined with the loneliness that both tsumugi and kotori experience, and the ending is so heartfelt! i love it 

shiro fujimoto (blue exorcist, kazue kato) - personally i’m not going to call this a spoiler bc it literally happens in the first episode/couple of chapters, but shiro’s death is what triggers the major events of the series. as such, it’s really interesting to see the full picture of his character and influence on the series mcs, rin and yukio, gradually unfold in the aftermath of his death. although he’s initially depicted to be a rambunctious priest with a somewhat perverted sense of humor, there’s a depth to his character and motivations that’s really nice to see come to light, esp bc, despite his job as an exorcist of demons, he genuinely loved rin and yukio despite them being satan’s children. there’s a huge burden that his death leaves on their shoulders, but the impact of his love on each of them is everlasting in the long run, and it’s tragic but really wonderful to see how they come to understand just how much he did for them when he was alive, and why 

kippei katakura (aishiteruze baby, yoko maki) - i’m including this on a technicality, bc kippei is a teenager lol. the series events are triggered when kippei’s aunt abruptly abandons her five year old daughter, yuzuyu, on his doorstep. despite the fact that he’s a playboy teenager with little to no sense of responsibility, he takes it upon himself to fill the role of “mother” and take care of her, transporting her to and from school, playing with her, cooking for her, etc. the new responsibility and his relationship with yuzuyu slowly shape him into a more mindful and caring person, and the impact of this can be seen not just in his growing good influence on yuzuyu herself, but in his relationships with other people. his character development and blossoming maturity are the focal point of the series, and i just think it’s nice to see how someone can step up to the task and adjust themselves to fatherhood despite such bizarre circumstances 

i am also on the fence about mentioning daikichi from usagi drop, given the whole. . . issue with that series, but at least within context of the anime only, he would probably be one of my all time favorites as well. it’s just a shame where the manga took the relationship between him and rin in the end and i truly do wish the worst upon the mangaka :) but feel free to watch the anime at your own risk! it cuts off before the manga takes a weird turn so if you can stifle your curiosity and pretend it’s the only part of the series to exist, it’s stellar lol 

[a-sleepy-reader]

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov: an Analysis and Review

Foreword

Trigger warning for themes of paedophilia, sexual assault, stillbirth, manipulation, violence, and tragedy as well as gruesome descriptions of death. If you want a review free of spoilers, please scroll to the section labelled ‘Conclusion/Review without spoilers.’

Introduction

Calling Lolita a controversial novel is a safe bet. Some readers revolt at its topic, others still protest it as the inspirational romance of the century. Both give Lolita a bad name. I will say it once very clearly; plot-wise, Lolita is a book about a paedophile who grooms, manipulates, isolates, and rapes a twelve year old girl. It is disturbing subject material to say the least, subject material that has to be given more thought than its protagonist’s ramblings of adoration for the book’s namesake. 

For instance, despite its fluctuating reputation, Lolita has found itself to be a playful and humorous novel to many, a “...comedy of horrors” according to the San Francisco Chronicle. So what is Lolita, exactly? A comedy? A thriller? Both? It is time to examine this twisted novel and see just how tangled its thorns are.

Plot synopsis

Humbert Humbert is a typical man by most standards: a handsome, French writer and professor with a soft spot for road trips… and little girls. 

Humbert categorises the sexes into the male, the female, and the nymphet, the latter of which describes peculiar young girls Humbert feels an intangible attraction to. It is with such a nymphet that Humbert self-describingly falls in love with; rambunctious twelve-year-old Dolores(whom he dons ‘Lolita). He cannot keep his mind off of her; ‘light of my life, fire of my loins.’ In however poetic a prose he may choose to describe it, Humbert feels a physical bond to young Dolores like to no one else since his dead childhood sweetheart. Humbert goes so far to pursue the girl that he marries her mother, whom he plots to drown in the blue depths of a lake to have Dolores all to himself. However, what Humbert describes as a work of fate led to the day Dolores’ mother’s brain lay strewn about the road, smeared by an incoming car. She didn’t need to be subject to Humbert’s schemes to die.

From there on, Humbert has legal custody over the twelve-year-old fire of his loins. Raping Dolores becomes a routine. Though she does initially say yes, she is a minor incapable of consent in the imbalance of a grown man with everything to lose if she is to either escape or stop the affair; she will lose her only family if she reports him, and risks breaking his heart if she cuts off the affair altogether-unfortunates only know what people do when they have nothing to lose. Orphaned and trapped, Lolita agrees to Humbert’s ‘love.’ As he described it, ‘she had nowhere else to go.’ 

Two years pass before Dolores falls ill during their second road trip and is taken out of the hospital by an uncle aware of Humbert’s affairs. By way of escaping with this newfound relative, Dolores is finally free from Humbert’s possessive grasp. Depressed by his separation from the girl, Humbert lives a miserable life for several years before receiving a letter from Dolores herself saying she is married and pregnant. Though Humbert suspects the man behind both titles is her own uncle, Dolores refutes this by saying that, though she was in love with him, they did not settle because she refused to be in his pornographic film.

Enraged with the uncle, Humbert arrives at Dolores’ uncle’s house and murders him before being arrested. It is here that we learn Lolita is Humbert’s autobiography of the events surrounding his ‘love’ for the book’s namesake. Though he wishes for the girl-turned-woman to live for a great many years, the victim, escapee, and survivor dies in 1952 during childbirth. Her offspring is a stillborn.

Analysis

It’s a curious thing, really. That so many interpret Lolita as a romance, I mean. Of course, it often presents itself in its writing as a summery romance to read on the beach. A handsome man meets a female. An attraction is felt. Male and female confess an attraction for one another which leads them on a series of road trips following the female’s mother’s incidental death. The language is no exception to this tone-just read the first paragraph: 

“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.”

It’s made up of beautiful, flowery sentences, language suggestive of the pure romance of a man ‘in love.’ With a twelve year old girl he rapes. Yes, Lolita is one of those novels that wears many outfits, its outermost lining being that of a tragic love story of one traumatised man and his ungrateful lover. This perspective is especially interesting when taking into account Lolita’s exquisite writing; could the flowery language have prompted so many to interpret this book as a romance? Could Lolita be representative of how so many wield words to distract or deceive those trying their best to disapprove of them? Either way, few deny that Humbert is lying, to himself or to the reader, of exactly how the events of his fascination with Dolores occurred. Digging further into the book, Lolita becomes  an unreliable narrator’s documentation of the rape and manipulation directed toward a naive minor trying to cope with her mother’s death. Further still, it is a comedic satire of a paedophile’s attempts  to justify his crimes... and failing miserably. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I wasn’t even her first lover.” Deeper still and it’s one man’s search for his childhood sweetheart(dearest and deadest) he never finished loving, so he seeks, endlessly, to shower her lookalikes with unwanted ‘love.’ Without end. Without fulfilment. 

Lolita is a story of infinite stories.

Review

What first struck me about Lolita was its beautiful writing; its eloquent prose, imagery, and metaphors hopelessly hooked me from the first paragraph. Nabokov never ceases to use amazing similes, description, and personification to amplify the reader’s experience of the goings-on of Humbert and the girl. This is especially striking in contrast to its tragic subject material; Humbert will rape, and he will manipulate, and he will scheme a murder, and he will hurt so many innocent lives, but he will do so with seemingly effortless grace in the scribbles on a paper. 

Despite this, I did not find Lolita to be a difficult read regarding comprehension of the text. True, many a word I did not understand, but, despite this, I could always tell what was being communicated; the language is certainly not as dated as Hemingway nor Shakespeare. It may even be a calming read for those with a strong stomach, and will certainly teach a thing or two to those wishing to learn more about poetic writing styles done well. 

Some may find the book to be lacking in terms of plot and overall excitement, but I feel this is a subjective view rather than a relatively factual one; Lolita is not an action book. Nor is it a drama. Humbert sometimes spends pages describing the exact locations of a road trip, or exactly how he earned money in the 50’s, and so forth. Some may find this mundane; I will admit that I was, at times, bored by it myself. However, what Nabokov sacrifices in brevity he makes up for with a profound understanding of Humbert’s emotions, environment, and thoughts. 

One slight criticism I do, however, have, is that I found all of the characters in Lolita were fairly bland for me. True, Humbert is unique in his attempt to beautify the macabre, but beyond the initial shock factor of his morale and the revelation that he is seeking the love of a girlfriend from his childhood, Humbert can be mostly summarised as ‘quiet, manipulative, scheming, and possessive of Dolores.’ I was not invested in him as a character, probably due to a lack of good qualities within him; it is true that by one perspective, his story can be interpreted as tragic for him, though through the more common lens of Lolita being a 336-page manipulation of the severity of the atrocities of an evil man, Humbert loses all good qualities beyond his capabilities as a writer.

The same goes for Dolores herself, as I found her to be fairly two-dimensional; she is very sensory and seeks goods of food and adventure and she has a rambunctious heart unconcerned with how others’ feel nor how others perceive her. She is what many would call a ‘wild child,’ and though she becomes more withdrawn later in the book due to the numerous abuses she endured, I did not see much depth to her beyond face value. 

That being said, I certainly do not think the characters are bad, just that they are underwhelming in comparison to the rest of the story. 

I recommend Lolita to those enthralled by character-driven stories of nuanced emotions and traumas, a sort of story of the broken attempting to break the whole. If you are not put off by very thorough descriptions nor by a purposefully thin plot, I have the impression Lolita will revolt, horrify, hypnotise, and seduce its readers into its soft, macabre pages. 

I give Lolita a rating of 90%.

Conclusion/Review without spoilers

Lolita is a vile, endlessly layered story of trauma and the endless search for lost love, horrific abuses, of humorous wit and smirking irony, and of one man’s endless destiny of deceit. I suppose Humbert’s own initials best summarise the smile and wink this book will deliver as you holler at Humbert, weep for Dolores, or perhaps even vice versa. They do say Russians are witty, and Nabokov does not fail this reputation even when we analyse how Humbert Humbert’s initials sound in the author’s native language: 

Ha-ha.

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[sunfetti]

Hi if it not much to ask for a Teru x Reader angstfluff fic. Where teru's in a relationship with reader who died abruptly and became " [Y/N] of the student council room" and because they want to see teru again. But they have to struck a deal with tsukasa and become his helper

An: My first request!! Thank you so much for requesting, it’s totally not too much to ask!! Hopefully you enjoy it!!

Word count: 1000+ 

Summary: Teru and Y/n were the happiest couple at Kamome Academy, but what happens when tragedy strikes? And what is Y/n willing to pay to see Teru again?

Trigger warning: Violent death, slight gore, heavy angst (please do not read if that upsets you!! I will post something more fluffy in the future to make up for this!!)

   “The rumor of Y/n San...”

  Have you heard of this rumor? They say in the student council room, resides the ghost of the heartbroken Y/n-San. Their grief chains them there and if they see you—they will make you feel the heartbreak they feel. 

    Silence... That’s all Y/N heard nowadays—no longer were the days that they could walk to school with their friends or greet their family when they got home. They couldn’t even affectionately hug their boyfriend anymore—that’s one of things they hated the most of this new existence. It’s not like they had wanted this, to live beyond their time. No. They wanted  oh so desperately to be alive, still living and happy with their family and the love of their life. Safe and sound within Teru’s arms like they used to be able to do every day they wished. 

    Who was Y/n you ask? They were a former student at Kamome Academy, and the beloved of Teru Minamoto—the two of them being inseparable even before they were in a romantic relationship. They were the power couple of Kamome Academy, and It seemed as though nothing could stop them. That is except for the incident… 

    It happened so suddenly—that wretched day. Even when Y/n closed their eyes, they could still remember that day vividly.. It haunted their mind, just like how they now haunted the student council room. Y/n had been walking towards the Minamoto residence—having planned to spend the night there, as they had done so many times before. They giddily clutched the necklace clasped around their neck that Teru had given them earlier during school—the memory replaying within their mind.

   ”Are you sure you want me to have this?” They asked, admiring the gorgeous necklace that glimmered in Teru’s hands. It was such a beautiful gift but surely it must have cost a fortune right?”

   “Of course I want you to have it! I bought it just for you!” Teru said, beaming with joy as he gestured for them to turn around. He gently put the necklace on his beloved, pressing a loving kiss to the back of their head. “There.. I knew you would look gorgeous with it..” He says, watching Y/n admire the necklace more—touching the charm.

   “Thank you so much Teru! I love it!” They exclaim, happily hugging their boyfriend—who spun them around.

  Ah yes.. That day had been so exciting for Y/n, so much so that they practically skipped towards the whole way. Though even despite how vivid that memory was, the nest few parts became slightly blurry to Y/n. Though they assumed that was reasonable due to how fast paced it was...

   They had seen Tiara playing outside and waved to her—obviously being best friends with the youngest Minamoto siblings since Y/n was dating their older brother. Though, Tiara was so excited to see them that she ran towards the road—not noticing the car that was speeding towards her. 

   The next is a blur but Y/n distinctly remembers tossing their schoolbag aside and dashing into the road.

  “TIARA LOOK OUT!” They screamed at the top of their lungs as they shoved the youngest Minamoto sibling out of the way as the car hit them—sending Y/n flying and landing harshly on the road with a sickening crack. 

   Tiara cried, having scraped her knees and hands—though seeing her brother’s s/o on the ground obviously hurt, she ran to grab her older brothers. Though Teru had beat her to it, running out of his house only to see his sister crying and then in horror—his s/o on the road.

   Handing Tiara off to Kou, he dashed towards Y/n—falling to his knees once he got to them. “Y/N ARE YOU OKAY?! OH MY GOD—PLEASE BE OKAY!” He yelled, fumbling with his phone as he shakily dialed for an ambulance. He stuttered out his location and the situation through tears, checking out his beloved despite how the sight pained him.

   He clasped their hand tightly—trying to reassure himself more then his s/o. “Y-you’re g-going to be o-okay Y-y/n..” He managed to stutter out, tears almost blinding him as he reached to brush the hair out of their eyes.

  “T-teru?” They whispered, feeling their eyes begin to become heavier as they tried to keep them open—even if it was just for a few mode moments. Tears fell on their face as Teru whispered put sweet nothings to them—refusing to believe this would be the end of his beloved—of them.

   “T-teru.. T-teru I-I l-love you..” They managed out, before their eyes closed for the last time.. Their heartbeat stilled as Teru shook them—trying to wake them up, like he had done so many times when they napped together in the student council room—or under a sunny spot. Yet they were gone by then, and he merely cradled their lifeless body as he sobbed more and more. He held them so tight that it took Kou and two EMTs to tear him from their body. 

   All that was left of his beloved was a broken necklace—charm shattered into pieces, just like Teru’s heart..

  It was dark and there was water surrounding the whole place.. Something you’d imagine nothingness was.. And then suddenly there they were—in the student council room, floating above the ground and feeling their chest ache painfully. They never saw Teru ever again—for he refused to enter that room due to his grief. There was too many memories there to work.. Instead he worked in another room, far away from where Y/n wandered. 

  Anyone who entered ran when they felt the chill of Y/n clinging to them—trying desperately to get their attention. The heartbreak that manifested around them made most break into tears as they blindly ran away—leaving Y/n alone again.

  And that’s how the rumor of “Y/n san of the student council room” was started. Their once lovely memory was stained with anguish and heartbreak. But it’s not like Y/n cared much, as the only thing they longed for was Teru. All they wanted was to see him again—to be around him. 

   “I wish I could see you again..” Y/n mumbled, floating above the table in the room—which had started to collect dust. Oh how he would have hated that—after all he wanted his workplace to be neat so he could work more efficiently..

   “A wish you say?? I think I can help you with that!!” A voice called causing Y/n’s eyes to shoot open as they fumbled to look towards the voice. And there stood a boy—but he seemed off, almost eerily cheery as he smiled at them with a toothy grin. A seal was placed onto his cheek—colored a shade of black that reminded Y/n of the void they found themselves in once upon a time. 

  Though what caught their attention was the promise to make their wish come true, they stared at him wide-eyed before uttering out. “Could you? Could you really make my wish come true?” They asked, suspicious of the boy yet still hopeful.

  “I could!! You want to see him again don’t you? “ The boy exclaimed merrily—seemingly eager to help them. Y/n felt for the first time in what seemed like forever—pure joy.. The prospect of seeing their lover again overwhelmed their reason—so much so that they almost forgot to ask the consequences or the price. 

   “I’m Tsukasa, and I’ll grant your wish! But I’ll need you to do something for me in return okay??” The boy—or Tsukasa states, causing Y/n to pause in their elation.

   “What do you want me to do in return?” They asked, though their voice came out much more pitiful and desperate than they had wanted.Tsukasa grinned even wider, floating towards them eagerly. “You just have to be my assistant!! You see my brother has an assistant so I want to have one too!! You’d just would have to help me out when I need it!” 

   “Assistant? Brother??” Y/n asks further, the answers Tsukasa was giving only resulting in more questions.. Though if it meant seeing Teru again—then it would be worth being this weird kid’s assistant right? “Alright. As long as I get to see Teru again, I’ll do anything.” They say, sticking out a hand for Tsukasa to shake. And the latter did so—very eagerly. 

  “We have a deal then!! Have fun Y/n!!” He says, smiling as one of his koku-joudai surrounded the ghost in black smoke.

   “H-hey what’s going o—” Y/n starts, before disappearing completely into the smoke and appearing in another room. Hesitantly they glanced around, gaze flicking towards the messiness and the complete disarray of the room. It looked completely trashed and was heavy with just as much sorrow as the student council room had when they haunted it.Though the voice behind them made Y/n whip around in surprise.. 

   “Y-y/n is that really you?” Teru hoarsely called, staring wide-eyed at them. He almost broke out into sobs if he had any more tears left. 

   “Teru!! I missed you so much!!” They exclaimed, flying towards them and tackling him in a hug. He wrapped his arms around them—even despite the shock he was in, he hugged them like no tomorrow. 

   Thoughts raced through Teru’s head—how had Y/n become a supernatural? Would he have to exorcise them?.. No. Teru refused to exorcise his beloved—even if they were the one thing he loathed.

   “I’m never letting you go again.. Promise me you’ll never leave me side okay? Promise me that Y/n..” He says, cupping their face between his hands.. They smiled softly, tears welling up in their eyes. “Of course Teru.. I’ll never leave you again..”

 Have you heard this rumor? About Y/n san the ghostly lover..

[astrarche-x]

The Poppy War: thoughts

Context: I saw this book heavily recommended on tumblr and even though I didn't research it (to avoid spoilers), it looked like something for me. I also realized recently that I haven't read a modern high fantasy in a while, so when my friend told me "hey, I've read this book and need someone to rant about it with", I was like "sure can I borrow it?". It is worth noting that my friend's tone was rather disapproving and we mostly share our taste in books, but still, I approached The Poppy War with a very favourable mindset.

Which didn't last very long.

Fortunately, after some time the book got better, so: disapproval first, praise later.

- the first part, aka Rin's time in academia, was so predictable and cliche I went through it purely out of malice (to be able to roast it). It was fitting every cliche you can find in a books set at school and bore me to death.

- Jiang: aaaa. This is coming from my personal experiences, but I've had a hard time with my "cool but weird" teacher lately and I just can't get past this trope without being angry at writers who do not acknowledge how toxic it usually is. (tho in Jiang's case it was more or less ok) Also the reveal of his backstory was very predictable.

- Rin: i couldn't bear how "edgy" she was. I started to like her when the actual war begun and she turned from "i'm not like others lol" to "i'm so scared, i want to be safe. also what is sleep". (also because she has been a chaotic mess the whole time and the war actually made it more believable). I had issues with her character though - for example she comes to the academia when she's like 15/16 and even though a lot happens to her over the course of the action, i had a feeling she hasn't actually matured. Did she develop? In terms of abilities, knowledge, rage etc - yes. But I didn't think she was more mature at the end and it really bothered me (as i was still picturing as a 15-year-old and had to constantly remind myself that she's an adult now).

- self-harm: uuh handled in a weird way? It's obvious that Rin's self-harming to cope with stress in academia is not healthy and the context shows that the heroine is under immense pressure which has a bad effect on her, but the narrative seems to present self-harm as a necessity to manage life and never really condemns it - not only explicitly, but any negative consequences of it are also absent.

- this book (and Grishaverse) would be more enjoyable if I hadn't taken that basic Russian course. I cringed every time I read Kitay's name (and it appears quite often...). Literally why name your character China? It's such a bad idea...

- I don't know if the original edition has trigger warnings, but oh boy, i kinda wish Polish one had them too. Not that they would actually stop me from reading this, but I started this book with intent to get some nice escapism with a tad of intellectual challenge and I wasn't quite prepared for what I got. I saw a post that talked about how in fantasy or sci-fi wars are a thing that just happens and serve more as a plot device, but are not treated as like an actual tragedy and how this isn't the case for The Poppy War. I think this is a very good point and I very much agree with this but I wish this book was marketed in a more accurate way (with mention of the genocides) than "cool protagonist goes from poor orphan to badass" (almost literal description from the back cover).

- on genocides: the Golyn Niis part was so hard to read. It totally gave me flashbacks to the time when we talked about Shoah in Polish lessons in high school and I had to read like 4 short stories by Tadeusz Borowski about Auschwitz, one novella by Zofia Nałkowska about investigating Nazi crimes and one book about the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising by Hanna Krall & Marek Edelman* (and it was all in the span of like 1-1,5 month) - all of which were written by survivors of said events, so it was an extremely difficult and emotionally exhausting read. Parts of The Poppy War had the same effect on me, so it shows the author really did her research and is to be appreciated, although while I would like to know what happens plot-wise in the next parts of the trilogy, I think it would be too emotionally draining for me to read.

- Having said all this, I found the Speer genocide theme really interesting. The legends and propaganda surrounding it, its impact on both country politics and Altan's (and Rin's) personal stories... Also I really liked how Rin's perception and understanding of it changed. Plus it served really well as a backstory - its effect on the whole plot was huge and manifesting in unexpected places but without the feeling of being hammered into reader's head.

- Altan: that guy. He was an interesting character, but a very unlikeable one. He was such an asshole... (And yeah obvs still trauma and all that but he really was one). Also I found it confusing that at the end of the book Rin was like "omg his power is so strong because he's fueled by revenge!"... duuh? It was obvious since her convo with Jiang about lore students?

- But generally Rin's relation to Altan was for me one of the strong points of this book. I'd say that Rin's emotions regarding him were very realistically written - admiration, longing for approval, the feeling of similarity, anger, frustration about his expectations, the need to rise to the challenge he posed, to be his equal... And then the shock as he fell from the pedestal she constructed; the understanding, the pity and the sadness. I loved how complicated that was and that we as readers got to see that Rin's Altan and the actual Altan were two different persons, even though the narrative is close to Rin's POV.

- Chaghan: he was my fave character. This is, again, personal, but works of fiction work 200% better for me if the characters are well-written - which The Poppy War rather lacked: few characters were interesting and even less were likeable. Chaghan was both - maybe he didn't have a big arc and was rather a secondary character, but he was intriguing, had that close bond with Altan (I ship them) and also was the most competent person in the cike (Quara was the second one). He was very straightforward and had that no-bullshit attitude, but unlike Rin, Altan etc., what he said and his actions actually made sense. So every time he had to went away from the main character I was devastated...

- What I really enjoyed about this book was the parts about shamanism. I'm not an expert about what goes on in modern fantasy, but I have a feeling that a character of a shaman often appears in a very exoticised way (wonder why is that /s), whereas in this book it was treated seriously and was a basis for a great magic system. 9/10 very original take, highly recommend.

* books mentioned: "Medaliony" by Zofia Nałkowska, "Zdążyć przed panem Bogiem" (eng: Shielding the flame) by Hanna Krall & Marek Edelman, Pożegnanie z Marią by Tadeusz Borowski