#Pain and Addiction

[zylahbee]

people dont understand the boredom of being disabled.

i see a lot of people suggest to people to embrace boredom and creativity will come from it. that to improve your attention span and get your life back from the trap that is quick form media you need to be bored more.

but i dont think that is the case for many disabled people.

its not the case for me.

i am SO bored. EVERY day. i cannot do all the things i want to engage in. i cannot play games i cannot read i cannot do art i cannot bake. these things arent being stopped by a social media addiction, they are being stopped by my health.

and my attention span isnt struggling for the same reasons as many abled people. mine struggles because of my symptoms. my fatigue, my pain, they are distracting and fog my brain.

so disabled people, when youre looking for tips about how to improve your attention span, and engage in your hobbies more, keep in mind that the reason for your struggles may be completely different to the people who are sharing suggestions and tips on the topic.

[delinquentkru]

the narrative/visual cues in this scene from 1x01 are so important to how the show views mel and langdon’s dynamic and i need to talk about it lol

robby doesn’t really have any friends, nor does he want any. while he is obviously willing to mentor those junior to him at the pitt, he is also very clearly uninterested in their personal lives (with the exception of collins). he’s able to support them when it comes to difficulties on the job but it doesn’t go much further than that.

the issue there is that most of the characters are not leaving their work at work (including robby himself lmao). it is seemingly going home with them and impacting the other parts of their lives. ultimately, they all need to connect with others who understand that feeling and can help them navigate it. mel isn’t as guarded as the rest of them so she makes it pretty apparent that she’s looking for this kind of connection (speaking of, can everyone pls just be friends with her already??? jfc). langdon is more subtle about it, but he's also looking for the exact same thing.

his exchange with robby in this scene is so telling because he clearly sees robby as one of his best friends and robby can barely admit that they're friends at all (which....brutal). langdon is asking for emotional connection/reassurance in that moment and, essentially, being rejected.

and right as this rejection is occurring, mel enters the scene (both literally and figuratively lol). mel, who wants emotional connection and is very willing to give it in return. it feels like a little wink from the show letting you know that these two are going to be actual friends. it’s also a perfectly written starting point for the parallel between robby and langdon’s mentor-mentee relationship and the one that comes to exist between langdon and mel. whereas robby is not attuned enough to langdon to notice his struggles, langdon is constantly checking in with mel to make sure she’s doing okay and then offering up support when she needs it. langdon's not perfect at it and he missteps a few times when it comes to her, but it feels a lot like he is treating mel the way he wishes robby would treat him </3

you then have the added intrigue of robby watching langdon and mel interact for the first time and looking for collins immediately after. as if something about those two possibly reminded robby of himself and collins. i just find the choice to visually parallel langdon/mel and robby/collins in 1x01 to be very curious now that we know robby and collins were romantically involved. and i don’t have much more to say regarding that other than 👀👀👀

tl;dr the framing of mel and langdon’s first real interaction on the show really highlights how important they are/will be to one another.

[leftshiftwashere]

Showing him off because I'm proud as hell

I think the doorwings are one of the best parts because guess what! I animated them

So basically the animations they have: Idle, walking, running, swimming, jumping, hurt

He was a pain to texture and at some point I got scared I'll have to start from scratch, mostly because I messed up the files and the textures wouldn't apply. Obviously in the end I fixed it because I simply can't stop winning.

His animations also got a bit messed up. I planned for it to be possible to run and jump without the jumping animation interrupting the running one but oh well.(Not sure what went wrong I adjusted the priorities correctly)

Also I'm thinking of adjusting the hurt animation to be faster because it's not as clear

Annndddd also have a regular skin of him I made. He's very bald though

It's just that I got too hungry and bit his doorwings off. Whoopsies!

Anyway 👋

[sunlit-mess]

~

[fluffylord]

Look how far I went, for fear of losing you.

[cas-dyke]

ALL I WANT IN THE WORLD IS TO SEE CAS’S FACE CRUMPLE WHEN (in “regarding dean”) DEAN ASKS HIM WHO HE IS

[pxpecxdy]

Casually imagining pope jerking off for so long it hurts and his dick gets raw and there’s nothing good about it anymore. because he can never really satisfy himself and that’s what he thinks he deserves.

Oh my god this but after a break up!!!

The thoughts of you haunting his mind. Every time he's alone his thoughts drift back to you. He thinks about the last conversation you had, about the harsh words yelled at each other that he didn't mean but knowing you meant ever insult spat at him. He thinks about your pretty face, red and angry. He thinks about your messed up hair. He thinks about your voice laced with poison and razor blades.

The more Pope thinks about it the more his thoughts begin to morph into something unwanted. He thinks about the conversations about a life together with sweet names sprinkled throughout. He thinks about your pretty face, pink and soft. He thinks about your voice dripping with honey as you lay together. He doesn't want to think about these things. Pope doesn't want to think of all the things he loved about you.

He just wants these thoughts to go away. He's shoving his pants down and yanking his aching cock out. The thoughts just keep playing over and over again. His hand jerks up and down violently. He needs to get it out of his system. It's not for pleasure. He's not seeking it out. But Pope's body always reacts to those thoughts of you and his mind never stops. Minutes tick by and his hard on is still there. His balls ache to be relieved. It's been almost an hour and nothing. It's gotten painful and the frustration has built up. His eyes are red with tears before he finally lets go of his cock, giving up of shedding the thoughts of you that haunt him.

[hellyeahsickaf]

The way addicts and chronically ill people are dehumanized is so exhausting

The normalization of this shit in medical and casual settings is genuinely mind boggling. Addicts and disabled people go through so much bullshit. I've dealt with many fucked up doctors when I just needed help

I had a kidney infection, some months back. This is always extremely medically urgent, and I was likely only hours from sepsis. I went to the hospital reporting my pain to be a 9/10. 9 because my 10 was gallstones. I experienced severe malpractice at the hospital and the doctor reported exams that never occured and false information while making me wait with nothing more than tylenol to hold me over (didn't touch the pain) and bring my fever down but that's a whole other story

They did however, deny me the pain medication I needed until it was time to go home. I'm deathly allergic to NSAIDS, but that's something an addict might say so they witheld pain relief because they'd rather me suffer just in case I'm a different kind of sick. An entire night, maybe 6 hours in the ER and they couldn't give me anything, not a small dose of morphine or one norco even a few hours prior to take the edge off of the pain while I was curled up shaking and crying. Just in case I was an addict looking for my fix, and my suffering was just withdrawals and good acting. In that case maybe I deserved it and should be denied my humanity. God forbid in that case I'm so desperate to alleviate unbearable withdrawals that I spend all night in the ER crying. Not the first time I've experienced red tape just to get relief from excruciating pain

But whatever. As per protocol I was asked to follow up with my pcp. So a few days later I called to set an appointment, but I'd also run out of norco and desperate to relieve the pain I asked if I could be filled even enough for a few days, until the pain was bearable. I had difficulty walking, laying down, and I again, can't take most pain relievers. The receptionist was nice and understanding, actually got me in touch with the doctor because she wanted me to be able to get my refill. Probably heard the pain in my voice even. She believed me

She transfers me over to the doctor and I tell him I'd like a follow up and ask if he could fill my painkillers. I would've acceped a no from him, I just needed my follow up. He asked about my condition, I told him my diagnosis and how much pain I was in

And he laughed.

Got a real hoot out of it, like he had me all figured out. Like he caught me trying to cheat the system. I must be trying to get high or make some money with a few days worth of norco as i'm nearly in tears from the pain even while calling

He tells me through his laughter "I don't prescribe painkillers for 'kidney infections'" saying it with a mocking emphasis on those words, as if I'd said "stubbed toe". Follows with "Yeah haha, bye." and hangs up on me. No follow up like I called for. Needless to say I no longer have a pcp but truly if he thought I was an addict trying to take advantage of him he should have still treated me professionally. Maybe not cackled when I said my pain was excruciating for a start

I just don't understand why the hell so many doctors can be so apathetic to people's suffering. Addicts deserve better and so do disabled people- whether you think they're addicts or not. The assumption that we're lying, trying to trick them and are feigning pain to do it is disgusting, listening to your patients is so important. And if that were the case they could have some sympathy and ask themselves what it would take for someone to go those lengths, take such drastic measures and go through that trouble to obtain those substances.

Addiction is not a moral failing. Many disabled and chronically ill people unfortunately rely on medications that have addictive properties. About 80% of heroin addicts first misused prescription drugs. However only about 4-6% of those addicted to prescription drugs switch to things like heroin. And instead of help or compassion for people who just need help (addicts or not), they just figure we're one in the same and treat us like subhuman degenerates, leeches on society. And I think people need to change how they view addiction. Doctors need to change how they view addiction

[sillygirls-reblogs]

would you let me rub my ass on your clothed bulge? pleaseee… i promise it won’t escalate into sobbing, shaking, violent anal sex!

[scintillatingshortgirl19]

gee i wonder if the issue could be at all related to the fact that the current treatment plan for his chronic pain consists solely of FUCKING IBUPROFEN

[justablognothingweirdhere]

Seen a headcannon a few times now in fics that Carter doesn’t like people coming up behind him (especially unexpectedly) or touching his back after being stabbed and yeah… I think I’m gonna go cry now.

[slidetoleft]

thinking about aaron minyard in the morning of tilda’s birthday every year.

thinking about aaron minyard as a kid making toast and coffee for tilda to try and soothe her hangover.

thinking about aaron minyard avoiding tilda on the last few birthdays she had, but still leaving a present on the coffee table before she woke up.

thinking about aaron minyard frozen to his bed the first birthday tilda is gone.

thinking about aaron minyard considering breaking his sobriety his freshmen year at palmetto from a new wave of grief.

thinking about aaron minyard resenting kevin and neil when their drama (and aaron’s fear of driving) prevent him from asking andrew to drive him to tilda’s grave the next year.

thinking about aaron minyard’s rage over cass spear’s failure to be a mother that andrew could count on.

thinking about aaron minyard wondering if tilda ever realized he wasn’t in that car.

[skellyfrogs]

sanctuary :)

[sodachalice]

already posted this elsewhere but one of the best parts about cartoons is that if you made them into real people who abide by the rules of logic and society as a whole in our world all of them and i mean literally all of them would be deeply deeply autistic and likely extremely mentally unwell. any of them. any single one. its amazing.

[queenvsbarton]

got this stupid idea in my head of jason being the "cool older brother" who teaches tim and/or damian how to smoke a joint, but with the caveat that "this is a sometimes thing and if you get your dumb ass addicted to anything i can and will send you to rehab at gunpoint or, failing that, execute you myself"

[holdmymetaphor]

okay heres some things about houses childhood i think about

theres clearly a few dynamics here

-he hates his father, resents the abuse, recognizes that bad things were done to him

-probably when he was very young, he didnt understand why bad things happened to him, was not intentionally A Bad Kid

-because he surmised his dad was not his dad at 12 i assume the abuse started from a young age.

-house mentions ice baths and sleeping outside, but he also mentions his father not speaking to him for months at a time, which is interesting to me. when house tries to qualify the severity of abuse to eve he says "not as bad as your [trauma] if how your acting about it shows how bad it is." which to me is pretty noncommittal. was he doing that bc he was still kind of lying, trying to get info out of her? if not, it seems like house is actually unsure of how to qualify his own abuse, which would lead me to believe it was largely emotional and verbal. although i suspect that his father did physically abuse him at times, to me this exchange implies that house thinks the ice baths and sleeping outside were the worse of it (interestingly both acting on his whole body and ability to regulate temperature)

-at some point he acts out intentionally, instead of unintentionally, bc his father is Wrong and shouldnt be abusing house in these ways(the fact that the thing he wanted to hear from his father was "you were right, you did the right thing" 😭😭)

-this leads to worse and more cruel punishments, which house both detests and wants to avoid repeating. furthering his resentment, but reinforcing his fathers authority

- despite his knowledge that his father is wrong, his dad claims to do these acts out of love, to teach dicipline, to toughen him up. (in this way his struggle with god is really an allegory of his father: is it better he hates me (i deserve pain) or loves me (i dont deserve pain) when he does awful things to me? or is it better for him to not exist at all (things just happen, there is no deserving)?

-in my perspective, especially as house got older, into his teens, he was actually probably really "well behaved" finally smart enough to fake social cues and swallow his pride so that his father wouldnt hit him or what have you (which is why he regresses to a child often as an adult, because he was not allowed those things)

its interesting to me, to see how all of houses character is shaped around the shadow of his father. the parts where he is similar: rigid, principled, yell-y, and where he is intentionally different: encourages independent thinking, respects challenges to his authority (only when he has authority lmao that all falls apart when people take his power(read:agency) away, his biggest trigger)

and none of this even gets into his mother, blythe (a word which means both happiness and bland disintrest) which is a whole nother can of worms. the fact that at the funeral she said that "the war was over" (which implied that no matter how much house actually listened to his father, there was still a part of him that couldnt help but to point out the logical issues, and therefore continued abuse)

lastlly, she had said that john loved him. which i think house believes to be true. especially when he tries to talk to his dead father in season 6, he says "i think i focus on the wrong things," implying that he did want to find some peace with that relationship, and that he wanted his fathers love, despite it being illogical, painful and confusing.

that he was willing to look past the abuse was shocking to me, because house is right his father shouldnt of abused him. but it was coming from a place of love, however ill concieved.

this is as close as we get to house praying to god. to admit that the suffering of life cannot be defied or denied, and grasp for the love nestled in between all the pain, however flawed, wrong, or illogical.

in a lot of ways, his story is so much about houses struggle with the body, its agency, its disability, its doom. he literally becomes a doctor to grasp with this ideologically (at times paradoxically) instead of physics because his question isnt really about existance in general

its about why he exists in the broken, painful way he does. and at the end of it, he sets down his need for an answer, righteousness, and admits that despite it all, his body cant help but love. and that love is the death of him. the end of his suffering.