#Personal reflection

[heartofmuse]

It is a rare type of person who can make you lose your mind, expand it, and center it all at once.

e.v.e.

[tavyliasin]

Villain-Fucker Angst Hours

Good timezone, darlings~ Are you ready to get all up in your feelings? No? Me neither, loves, but here we are regardless so the words are going to flow as they usually do... This is focused on Raphael from Baldur's Gate 3 and his fandom, but the latter section can easily apply to any villain fandom.

Self-Analysis of Devil-Fuckery, Or Why Do I Adore Raphael When He Is Very Obviously Evil: A Short Essay by TavyliaSin (Who Still Cannot Name Anything With Less Than A Full Paragraph) ((NSFW)) (((Game Spoilers)))

The following may discuss heavier topics, but without specifics, so whilst it should be safe for most to read without triggering any difficult memories please be aware of Raphael's entire vibes, the content and context of his story, and I'd also like to mention that this isn't a "woe be us for we are terrible people" piece, it's actually more about:

"There is an inherent kindness and warmth to much of the Raphael fandom, and I think there could be some common threads behind that, pulling us all in closer in a comforting blanket that we wrap around each other to keep out the cold of the world."

So, what in the nine hells am I on about? Well. Raphael-fandom is a wild and wonderful place to be. The rest is in sections, so feel free to skip through to what you feel is relevant to your interests. I am so prone to waffle I should open a restaurant~

Who Are Fans Of Raphael? What Do They Want?

We are feral, unhinged, all sheets to the wind "I want that devil man, carnally, and there is no force in all the planes that could stop me". There's the vanilla to the extreme and every level in between, tops, bottoms, versatiles, Doms, subs, and switches - there are a whole lot of people who would love to get their hands on either (or both) of Raphael's forms, for a simple smooch or something far more spicy~ [edited in] To add on to this, not all of us even desire him in a sexual way, for many it is romantic, soft, or even just the rather pleasant thought of spending an evening with drinks by the hellfire because he would be fascinating company. Aces, Aros, and AroAces may all find themselves well within the devilish corners of fandom too~ which is a whole other essay~ [end edit] So, I see you. I'm one of you. Extremely loud and utterly hingeless in my fan appreciation for Raphael. He's one of my favourites to write about, I seek art of him, and the same goes for his mirrored other half, Haarlep, who I arguably love more despite there being far less content of them in the game.

And the Fandom? The Vibe?

From my experience in the Raphael Fandom areas, we have a very deep and abiding understanding of consent, respect, and treating each other with an absolute and uncompromising kindness. We've had talks about keeping each other safe in fandom, exchanged details of people we have encountered who need to be avoided, even shared details between moderators of different fandom servers to pre-ban people proven to be creeps and/or art thieves. We've also discussed consent, including the issues with it in the game, and how areas of the story can only really be considered dubious at best and could easily be triggering for people. And these discussions have been open, honest, fair, and with the acknowledgement that most of us love these scenes anyway. So there's a sense of care that runs through everything, behind the horny-posting and fan content, behind the endless thirsting after our favourite fictional characters. We have a depth of kindness that warms my sinners soul every time I see it.

What Does This Have To Do With Self-Reflection, Raphael, or Villainy In General?

Well let's look at Raphael. He's a villain, obviously. He's manipulative, devious, and inherently evil by his very nature. He keeps Hope chained in his basement, constantly subjected to endless torture. There's also mention of how Gortash was sold into his service at a young age, clearly not an enjoyable experience given the other details and how things turn out (particularly as Raphael would need Gortash's own plans to fail entirely in order for him to succeed in his own and get that crown). And as fans, we accept that. We don't sit making excuses, or trying to say "well actually Gortash is a little shit and Hope probably deserve it", and we don't shy away from or conveniently ignore those darker sides of him with malicious intent to enable more evil to flourish. What I noticed, when I allowed the thoughts to continue, is that there is a theme here.

If Evil Can Be Loved Then So Can I

That's the core. Of course, darlings, I am not claiming to be a heinous monster. I certainly do not have a laundry list of crimes that would make the devil himself say "Uh, that's a bit much." But I sure as fuck treat myself like I do sometimes. You see, I think a lot of us have that tendency, to judge ourselves far more harshly than anyone else. Our patience, understanding, and forgiveness for others runs deeper than the Mariana Trench, but when it comes to our own flaws? One minor mistake and we think ourselves to be the worst beings ever to disgrace the earth. Thus, the villainy we see reflects how we are treating ourselves. So by loving and accepting all of those things that should be terrible, hated, we are actually learning that no matter how poorly we think of ourselves that we can be worthy of that same love and acceptance. We are extending the affection we are unable to show ourselves to someone we see the worst parts of ourselves amplified within. And that's why villains attract the people with the most kindness. The most forgiveness. Because it takes someone with a truly huge amount of empathy to find love for the embodiment of evil.

Or, IDK, maybe villains are just hot and we're too far down to care.

But wait, before you go!

THERE'S SOMETHING WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT.

All of this is about FICTION. We should never be accepting of the kinds of evil we see in the game irl. We do not owe anyone kindness if they do not show it to us.

What is hot in fiction is not always OK IRL.

Look after yourselves out there, remember that consent is key in all things, and please do try to learn to love yourselves, darlings, you are worthy of it and you should judge yourself by the same standard you judge others. If you are in doubt, if you are worried, if you feel afraid - reach out, talk to someone. There are many who will listen.

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. You deserve that much.

Oh, and all Raphael fans who understand kindness are welcome around me, any hour of the day, I adore our little fandom circles and would gladly collect all of us together. I'm following a lot of you as soon as I find you, like hunting shiny pokemon~

See you in Avernus, my darling Little Mice, may we all find joy in the Cambion's Embrace~

[queenie435]

[eananoor]

[peterscarrot]

I knew I was fucked when I had this fleeting moment of hope, brushing away tears and thinking "it's okay I'll make it up for myself." Then I realized, "oh, but I cannot simply just redo my childhood and include my absent father in it."

[openstorygames]

The Existential Act of Character Creation

One of the strange and wonderful things about TTRPGs is getting to embody a character. To be at once like yourself and unlike yourself, familiar and strange. To find yourself where you didn't imagine you were.

There are questions that we answer for our characters that we're afraid to ask of ourselves. Questions about who we are at our core, about what matters most, about identity and community and more.

I love those questions. I love discovering myself across the artificial distance of a character. I love discovering new things about my friends.

But lately I've been thinking about those big questions, the ones we answer for our characters but hesitate to commit to for ourselves.

Who am I, really? Who is important to me, and why? Where am I going, and is that where I want to go? What motivates me to change? What prevents me from changing?

These are hard questions, but good ones. They're questions we answer with our actions before we can even put words to them.

But with characters, it's the reverse. We have to answer these questions before we know how to act. So we dig in, consider them, and come to answers that inform our characters' actions.

So... what's the most important question you like to answer for your characters? Have you answered it for yourself?

[disco-lemonade-digital]

as is my usual way, once i'd started thinking about what i wanted to do for my Spoon Theory class (see my last post), i soon had more ideas than i knew what to do with. in fact, i'd originally wanted to lead a group about bullet journaling - something that personally kept me sane during my time in rehab - but i went so overboard during the planning stages, that i switched to Spoon Theory out of sheer self-preservation lmao.

but even then, i had to simplify the material i wanted to cover, and things inevitably got cut. a pair of those, were these planner/reflection pages.

the idea was that after explaining what Spoon Theory is, i'd then show ways that we could use it in our day-to-day lives; a daily scheduler and reflection log, i thought, would be a good way to visualize just that. and even though i didn't get to create and share them during that group, the idea has stuck with me ever since.

so i decided to hand-draw and -letter these for myself and others, in the hopes they could be of use to even more people than i would have been able to reach during my lil rehab stint 💌

-

if you would like to own the set for personal use, follow this link right here. and for usage with clients/students, please purchase from this link instead.

thanks in advance to anyone who ends up buying, i truly hope these resources can be of use to you in some way!

[businessmemes]

Personal reflection time is sacred, but Jeremy really needs to clear some time for the pre-pre-pre meeting meeting. Meeting.

[hopeafterharm]

Going to a bday party today. No pre party anxiety about being around people.

BIG WIN!!!

[heartofmuse]

Love is a choice made every day, a choice made by heart, and mind. Most people think love is a commitment to another, but it is a commitment to yourself first because you acknowledge a truth that lies deep within you, because love is born of your being and then poured outward. 

e.v.e.

[evelhak]

10 years ago I saw a Naruto fic that was over 700 000 words long and I thought... "If someone has that much literary passion, why on earth would they choose to use it on fanfiction?"

Today I've written over 900 000 words of KnB fanfiction and as an author I can say I love it as much as my original fiction and that my writing career has only benefitted from writing fanfiction. I came to it kinda late and I never intend to "grow out of it".

Thank god I grew as a person.

[queenie435]

[tizniz]

just some personal reflection…

It’s a bit crazy to be sitting at the top of this small hike and realizing how different my life is even compared to a year ago.

I haven’t gone on this hike for years because I genuinely haven’t been able to. For the last 4-5 years, every summer I was pushing myself incredibly hard by working my job plus working as a delivery driver for Skip The Dishes (think Uber eats). I went non stop and worked myself to the bone.

Why? Because I was in such severe debt that it became my identity. I didn’t let myself do or get anything because of it, and the rare time I did, it was weighed heavily down by immense guilt.

This is the first summer where I’m not doing that. I only have my one job, and it’s a job I can walk away from at the end of the day and not think or worry about until the next work day.

I’m actually able to breathe and live. I paid my debts off last year. I freed myself from those shackles, even if I’m still bandaging the wounds from the trauma it left behind.

I’m able to come on these hikes and not think about how I should be working or earning money. I can come out here and breathe.

I know it’s going to take a while before I heal and recover from all that — and there’s a chance I never properly will. But I can take these moments. I can go on that trip. I can order in that meal.

The guilt isn’t as heavy anymore, and maybe one day it will be fully gone.

But in the mean time, I’m going to enjoy my view for a little bit 🩵

[dreaming-hibi]

I actually do feel bad every time I go up to my friend to complain about how bad I’m doing in writing. I know she has my back, but it still feels shitty unloading all that stuff on her.

She doesn’t deserve that kind of negativity.

I should get better at picking myself up.

[wizardhecker]

Thinking about that last post,

This desperate hoarding of Life and the Good Times is something I felt the seeds of in college that really blossomed into a throttling tangle after 2020. I keep it identified and categorized enough to recognize when it might motivate me into doing actions that annoy people around me or myself - but I've been lenient with allowing physical harm to happen to me if it means i get to experience living the limited time I have left among other people. Its such a keen awareness and weight that every interaction I have with someone I love could be the last, and I know acting that way is too intense and scary for casual conversations. But all the same I want each moment pressed between the mental pages of my brain to preserve forever. Mainly however those periods of rest and between-times feel like torture, seeing the drain of time trickling through the sieve before me despite knowing it's necessary. I think maybe I've learned to practice Living Hungrily for a while and I need to learn how to rest and remember as well.

[stonetender]

Let me just say, I was very invested in EXU: Calamity from the beginning because I often stress about living through a world that has many terrors that we can't control (climate change, natural disasters, political upheaval, and more). I wanted to be reminded that, at the end of the day, the best we can do is love others (the Ring of Brass loving and supporting each other, their families, and strangers) and do everything in our power to protect the next generation.

Just as the Ring of Brass voiced repeatedly in the end, it's not about us. It's about doing what we can with what's available to us. And regardless of how much we fail or succeed, it matters that we did everything we could with what we had. The Ring of Brass gave everything, EVERYTHING they had. They put away every selfish ambition in the hopes they would not only buy time for friends, family, and strangers alike, but also provide a single hope that the world itself would survive. And there's a lot we can learn from that in our own world. Regardless of how any one of us are remembered, we can do our best with what we have. We do it for the people we love and the people who will never know our names. We do it because it's right, and because life is worth protecting. We do it regardless of the praise or the material rewards. Because the choices we make matter. Our choices, remembered by history or not, will always matter. And they can make all the difference in the world.