the art of trying | jjk (m)
>>pairing: jungkook x reader / dilf!jk x grocery store clerk!oc
>>genre: friends with benefits, smut, angst
>>word count: 29.3k đ
>>warnings: dom jk, sub oc, age gap, oc club era đȘ©đ„, oc heart to heart withâŠ, enter mr park seojoon !!, budding friendships đ„°, mending of relationships, enter dilf !!, reconciliation finally, but still we yearn, and jk is still a little stewpid, however!! he is doing his best!!, mostly oc pov i think, warning for a little bit of sad bc she is sad !!, but not too sad đŒ, enter jock !!, dilf jk stuff: asking for permission, saying thank u, etc., fore play in the form of a lil dry humping đ«¶đ», finishes (multiple),, oral (m & f), dirty talk, lovesick gross smitteness đđ», jreampie đđ»,  and finally, enter nari !! (đ§)
>>notes: finally am i right đ€Ł
this is part of my dilf jk series that can be found on my masterlist
>>summary: youâre trying to forget jungkook, but heâs trying to make sure you remember why you shouldnât.Â
Itâs the middle of January and I havenât learned to be okay without you, yet. The wind outside is harsh and cold. It hurts my feelings sometimes.Â
 It reminds me of you, sometimes, too.
 I still miss you.
 âGirl, what does that even mean?â
 Your laptop gets slammed shut, and you whip your head around to see Binna. Your very best friend that has been caught red-handed, reading over your shoulder.
 âDo you mind?â you say with narrowed eyes.
 âI do actually,â she says, walking around the couch and plopping next to you.Â
 You roll your eyes and rephrase with something sheâs hopefully less likely to have an answer to. âCan I help you?â
 Binna looks stumped for approximately .4 seconds ânot nearly long enough to be satisfyingâ and then sheâs saying, âNo, but you can help yourself. Please go to therapy. I am begging you and also I will pay for it.âÂ
 âDie.â
 âCâmon, youâve been sad for like almost 2 months,â she groans, âand itâs like⊠tangible, ___. I walk into the house and I can feel it. It just permeates the air andâ look, it even killed the plant.â
 Binnaâs pointed finger guides your gaze to the small succulent on the windowsill and itâs a bit pathetic how your eyes start to tear up because it is in fact, the tiny succulent Jeongguk gave you so many months ago. You had done a good job of taking care of it for a while, his occasional texts reminding you to water it had been helpful. But lately you havenât even really been taking care of yourself, and the little plant has, unfortunately, become collateral damage.Â
 You also donât get those texts anymore.
 With big watery eyes and a fat bottom lip, you turn back to her and she sighs. Grabs the remote and pauses whatever is playing on the tv. This makes Jade squawk, something about her watching it and it being the best part but Binna is having none of it.
 âNo, this is actually dire. Sheâs crying over the plant, Jade. We have to intervene, itâs time.â
 Jade pouts for a moment, looking between the tv and you as if she canât decide which is more pressing. When she crawls from her place where she was laying on the floor to your feet, it seems her decision is made. She rests her chin on your knee.
 âStill sad over the dilf?â she asks.
 You nod pitifully.
 âShe was openly writing melancholy about him⊠it's a public cry for help,â Binna adds.
 With a nod of understanding, Jade says, âWriting can be a good way to get your thoughts together and work through them.â
 Choosing not to tell them that you donât think youâll ever be able to work through all the thoughts because there are just too many and it hurts too bad, you stay quiet.
 Itâs not an awkward silence that takes over the living room, but you can tell that Binna and Jade are trying to think of something to say. Jade ends up being the one to interrupt the quiet.
 âHas he reached out to you at all?â
 The unanswered text on your phone started as a temptation, but itâs ended as a little memo that helps put things into perspective.Â
 Did you get home okay?
 Jeongguk made his decision and he only sent you that text because he let you leave.Â
 He sent you that text after he made it so incredibly clear that he wasnât going to let you stay in his life.
 Despite you telling him youâd think about things, let him know what you decided in regards to you and himâ he really didnât leave much room for you to do that. Heâs hard-headed and heâs extreme and when he makes his mind up about something⊠itâs not likely anyone will be able to change it. Especially if it has to do with Nari.
 And itâs not like you donât get it. You do, to some extent at least.Â
 Nari is his baby and Nari is his priority. Just like she should be. Thatâs self-explanatory and easy to understand. If Jeongguk felt you being in his life somehow messed with his priorities and decided it wasnât going to work out between you two after giving it some thoughtâ it wouldnât have been easy, but you would have accepted it nonetheless.Â
 But part of you believes he didnât give it much thought at all because one moment he was washing you, taking care of you, kissing you. Making you feel like you were his and he was yours and like he cared. Like he was always going to be there; like he was endless.Â
 Then the next he was telling you it was all basically a mistake to him. That he didnât know if he had the room or the time for you anymore. Like you were an amenity with a timeframe. Something that was worthwhile, until it wasnât anymore. Something nice that was momentarily useful, something that perhaps made his life better, easier in a way⊠but something that ultimately wasnât necessary. Â
 The turnaround was too abrupt and too abrasive and too rash for you to accept that it wasnât impulsive. That he truly thought it through. You think thatâs whatâs hindering you from moving on.Â
 A part of you almost wishes that you could fool yourself into believing he did mull it over. That he simply âchanged his mindâ. Because thatâs better than the uncertainty that comes with him cutting you out so heedlessly.Â
 If Jeongguk had a change of heartâ it means that, at one point, his heart was sure of you; his heart did want you.Â
 Itâs deceiving, but it hurts less than the uncertainty.Â
 The ache that comes with longing for what was is concrete and irrefutable in a bittersweet sense because at least in that case, what youâre yearning for was something that you had; something that was real.Â
 You canât pinpoint the pain that comes with uncertainty. Thereâs too much room for doubt, too many times you can mistake a âwhat ifâ for a âwhat wasâ. There are too many ways you can spin the past if youâre not certain of it. Too many different outcomes you can craft. There are too many ways that uncertainty can hurt
 Jeonggukâs 180 took place barely within a few hours. Specific changes were instantaneous. Like the quiet unease that shrouded the atmosphere; the quick developing doubt that inevitably tainted both your affections. In all honestly, you could feel the shift as soon as he walked into the playroom after talking to Nariâs mom.
 Dasom.
 The things you feel when you think about her make you feel so ugly. Like your heart is rotten within your core, ruining you from the inside because itâs so easy to blame her and resent her for everything that occurred. Easy to pin the earth-shattering, tectonic shift in your and Jeonggukâs dynamic on her. Itâs easy to hate her for the things she said about you, for the thoughts she put into Jeonggukâs head. But deep inside, right next to your rotten heart, thereâs something small thatâs telling you itâs easiest to hate her because you arenât her.Â
 An achy heaviness levels in your gut and you press your eyes shut tightly, consciously making an effort to not tear up. It still hurts so badly. In a way you donât even really understand. Youâre not sure if it stems from jealousy or insecurity or maybe both.Â
 But there is something so excruciatingly painful, something that feels so devastatingly unfair, about Jeongguk and Dasom.
 Itâs absurd and itâs stupid to let an ex get to you. You know that and youâre aware that itâs the past and that itâs over between them⊠but when you think about all of the history? Itâs enough to overthink and compare. To wonder âwhat if?â, ask yourself âwhy?â and âdoes he still?â. Â
 Because they loved each other; were in love with each other. They had the sweetest little baby girl together. Dasom will always know Jeongguk in a way that you wonât. She will always know versions of him that you never will. She will always have a part of him and be a part of his life. She will always know him longer than you. No matter what âeven if you and Jeongguk had stayed together, fallen in love, and gotten marriedâ she was still there first. In a sense, you wonât ever be able to catch up to herâ to them or what they had.
 You almost have to laugh at yourself for thinking like that because itâs so pathetically dramatic and pointless. Because yes, letting an ex get to you is both absurd and stupid. But especially so when you let it get to you after months.Â
 Bitterly, you consider that maybe Jeongguk was right. Maybe you were too young for him, and maybe you really werenât ready for everything that came with him.
 When your thoughts are reeled back in, you tell Jade about Jeonggukâs text you never answered.
 âGod what a whore,â Binna groans. âWhat kind of person asks that after cutting you out of their life?â
 âA man,â Jade reasons.
 It makes you chuckle a small laugh, and the silence that settles this time is a little more comfortable. A couple of minutes pass with the three of you pretending to watch Jadeâs show when Binna clears her throat.
 She tries to keep her voice light and casual, acts as if sheâs just making conversation. âYouâve been lurking, no?â
 She will be disappointed when you admit that youâve tried. But sheâll also be pleased to know that you simply canât.
 âHe doesnât have Instagram.â You shrug your shoulders as if itâs not a big deal and like your recently searched isnât full of accounts that have some variation of Jeonggukâs name in the user.
 âHe probably has Facebook, heâs old,â Jade says absently, eyes glued to the television once again.
 Binna gets a worried look on her face when she can physically see the lightbulb go off in your head. Then her expression shifts into one of tired disapproval. âThank you for that, Jade.â
 Jadeâs reply is simply a preoccupied, half-hearted âMy badâ.
 But you do not care and your phone is already out.Â
 Youâre trying to move on, you are. Truly. One peek wonât hurt. Alsoâ
 âHeâs not old, heâs only 29,â you say distractedly, waiting for the app to download before the phone is promptly plucked from your hands. âHeyââ
 âGive me that,â Binna interrupts, âIf you look him up, you will come up in his âpeople you may knowâ. I donât want that for you, and you donât want that for you. Trust me.â
 With a frowny pout on your face, you settle back into that couch. âWell⊠I donât want you coming up in whatever that is either, right?âÂ
 âYou do not need to worry about that because I am a professional and I am crazy. Whatâs his last name again?â
 Professional and crazy sound like adjectives that are not supposed to go together, but you donât argue and when she pulls out her own phone, you answer her.Â
 Binnaâs sleuthing seems to be entertaining enough for Jade to abandon her show, moving from her place at your feet to a seat next to Binna looking over her shoulder. Nervousness keeps you from joining, quietly just waiting for the few moments it takes for Binna to find what sheâs looking for.Â
 âAh! Jeon Jeongguk, 30, Cââ she gasps, eyes wide as she looks at you, âyou didnât tell us he was a CEO!â
 You shrug. âDidnât seem important. And I told you already, heâs 29. Not 30.â
 Binnaâs brows furrow before sheâs looking at her phone again, bringing it close to her face and using her thumbs to zoom in on the profile picture. âIs this not him?â
 âNo, thatâs him,â Jade confirms, face close to Binnaâs. âIâve seen enough pictures of him in the groupchat that I also see him in my dreams.â
 âPlease donât dream about him,â you say musingly, reaching to snatch the phone from Binna just like she did to you.
 It is in fact your Jeon Jeongguk pictured on the phone. His profile picture is candid, him smiling wide with those puffs under his eyes, probably mid-laugh. But it still seems professional enough, heâs in one of his many expensive suits, with his tie on, and his hair done sleek.
 And you can feel how a small, sad smile comes to rest on your lips. You carefully click on the picture to see when it was posted.
 Just a couple of weeks ago.Â
 And the small, sad smile gets even smaller and even sadder. He looks happy enough, and you hope he is. But it stings a little for some reason.Â
 Then you remember why you pilfered the phone in the first place.
 Looking over his profile, you see the basic information. His alumn, his job, his hometown. You click the âabout infoâ option below all of that and itâs then that you see his birthday, and that his age is indeed 30. And you feel silly, a little embarrassed, for not knowing. Or maybe forgetting?
 Though, youâre almost positive you didnât forget. That you wouldnât have forgotten something like his birthday. That you couldnât have because Jeongguk was your favorite person.Â
 You trade Binna her phone back for yours.
 The photos in your camera roll on his alleged birthday are from what you thought was a random day that Jeongguk asked you to come over.
 It was kinda spontaneous for him. Considering he was someone that usually liked to plan, getting a random phone call from him while you were still at work was out of character. He simply asked if you wanted to come over. Just laze around with him, watch a movie, or something. Stay the night, maybe. He sounded slightly boyish when he asked, like he was trying to mask the hopeful excitement in his voice. You told him yes, of course, but that you wouldnât be able to come until after work.Â
 When you showed up at his, still clad in your work uniform, he was beaming. You barely made it through the door before he was literally giving you the shirt off his back to change into, helping you out of your polo and khakis.
 In the photo youâre looking at, your head is in Jeonggukâs lap and heâs shirtless looking at the tv with his hand over your mouth. You had been purposefully asking too many questions, just like you always did. The picture was taken from below so the angle is a little funny.
 And even though youâre smiling at the memory, the image turns blurry as you start to tear up. Something about it warms your heart while simultaneously breaking it.Â
 Apparently, he didnât want gifts, or anything extravagant. Seeing as he omitted telling you it was the one day of the year that everything was supposed to be about him, the one day he was supposed to be doted on. Jeongguk just wanted to be with you. Just your company was enough for him. Just you were enough for him.
 âHe never told me it was his birthday, but he asked me to come over,â you tell your friends, with your thumb swiping through the many pictures you took that day. âLike me just being there was a good enough birthday present or something?â
 Jade can hear the waver in your voice, and she gently says, âMaybe we shouldnât look at old pics if itâs going to make us sad, hmm?â
 âMaybe we should delete them, hmm?â Binna chirps.
 You hear them but you continue till you get through the whole night and the next morning. The tears are so heavy in your eyes, but you try to laugh, dabbing at your waterline with your sleeve when you say, âI likeâ really miss him, guys,â before you end up just covering your face with your palms and letting yourself have your moment.
 Jade coos, scooching closer to you, pulling you to her side. She rubs your shoulder soothingly. âI know you do, ___,â she says quietly.Â
 Your roommate has really come a long way since the first conversation you had with her about Jeongguk. The other roommate, however, seems like she is regressing.Â
 âWe have got to get you out of the house and onto another dick. Your vibrator is tired and your pillow probably smells like the ocean because of all the tears itâs soaked up. It probably needs a wash, too.â
 âBinna!â Jade scolds.
 âNo, like Iâm so serious right now,â Binna defends, âI understand being sad over a breakup, but itâs been months. And over a grown man who lets his literal ex-wife, whom he divorced, still have such a pull on him? Like câmon. What the fuck is that?â
 âSheâs allowed to be sad! And those things you listed make her sadness even more warranted. You were holed up in your room for months too, at one point,â Jade reminds, âBut it was over a boyband breaking up.â
 âIn hindsight, it was very good for Zayn to leave,â Binna amends before giving you her attention. âListen I get it, but I just want you to be happy again⊠You know?â
 When you peek up at her with a sniffle, she looks sad.
 âI donât want you to get stuck in the sad and the hurt, ___,â she says quietly, âbecause sometimes when people get stuck in the sad and in the hurt, they canât likeâ get unstuck. You know? Nothing gets better. The depression just swallows them and they donât ever feel better andâ I want you to feel better.â
 Binnaâs not the most eloquent, but she has the biggest heart. And you know she means well, and despite how stuck in the sad and the hurt you truly are, you know that she does have a point.Â
 You have to brood over it for a moment, and you kind of feel like youâre outside of your body when you agree. Like youâre hearing someone else say, âOkay, where are we going?â
 ~~~
 The club lights are too bright and strobing too fast, just asking for someone to seize. Your feet hurt because the heels youâre wearing are too high. You figured the weeks following New Yearâs would be less crowded, that everyone would be recovering from blackouts and bad decisions. The sheer number of people around you tells you otherwise. Youâre not having a good time.Â
 When you tell your roommates as much, their response is handing you a shot. A few shots.
 And since alcohol is essentially magic, with every shot glass that is emptied down your throat, the night grows more enjoyable and less likely to be remembered. The lights turn pretty, and the ache in your feet becomes dull and muted, just like the one in your heart.Â
 Youâre dancing how a person who doesnât know how to would. Hips swaying, arms occasionally going above your head before slinking back down and over your body. The bass in the club makes it feel like everything is vibrating and it makes you laugh dumbly, eyes squeezing shut as you giggle to yourself. You know Binna and Jade are close by, but it feels like youâre in your own little world.
 âI feel good,â you yell over the music to no one in particular. Eyes still closed, a loose-lipped smile lingering at the corners of your mouth.
 The warmth of a body can be felt behind you, though itâs not quite pressing against you yet. It doesnât feel bad, and neither do the fingertips ghosting along the curve of your waist. You press into the touch, the heat, a little more. A chiffon chuckle is puffed over the crown of your head. The tentative fingers at your waist get more firm, their grip trying to steady you.
 âYou look good, too,â the body behind you says, lips brushing the shell of your ear. It makes chills prick at your skin.
 You bite your lip to keep from smiling at the sensation, at the words. Your hand goes to cover the bigger one on your waist. You intentionally keep the touch constant when you turn around in their hold. Their palm slides along your body till itâs settling on your lower back just above the swell of your ass.
 When you look up, your reply gets caught in your throat.
 The owner of the warm body behind you is handsome, strikingly so. Tall, strong. Smile dreamy, and eyes dark. He gives you a soft grin accompanied by an encouraging nod, wanting you to say what you canât seem to get out.
 âUhââ you sputter with a wince, before clearing your throat, âIâ yeah, um⊠thanks, you too.â
 You canât hear his laugh over the music, but you can tell heâs amused by the way his chest rumbles, and how his eyes curl. The hand at the base of your spine moves to your hip, squeezing gently.
 His other hand is moving, too, and your track it till itâs tucking some hair behind your ear. You go still and flush when he leans down to your ear again. âIâm Seo-joon,â he tells you.
 Introducing yourself is the automatic reply he gets, and he hums, eyes scanning your face. The hand that tucked your hair trails down your arm until his fingers meet yours. They flirt for a moment before they lace together. His movements seem shy, but theyâre actually very calculated. Well practiced. Like he does this a lot. Like he knows exactly how to get what he wants.Â
 The realization sobers you some. Not enough to clear all of the drunken fog in your head, but enough to make you vaguely more alert.Â
 âI think youâre a⊠a little too good at this for me, Mr. Seo-joon.âÂ
 Seo-joon briefly looks surprised, eyes widening like a child whoâs been caught in a lie. Then heâs recovering, laughing. âAh,â he muses, guiding your arms to drape over his shoulders, your hands interlocking behind his neck. His hands do the same around your waist as he pulls you a little closer. âI donât know, you might be the one thatâs too good? Too smart? Read me like an open book.â
 Thereâs a flutter in your tummy that you havenât felt in months and itâs exciting. Makes you giddy as you blink up at him sluggishly, eyelids heavy.Â
 âAre you not?â you ask him, coquettishly referring to him being easy to read. âArenât you here for the usual?â
 He looks up like heâs thinking. Then heâs shrugging, like thereâs no point in denying the obvious. Crowding your space, cheek brushing yours as he talks into your ear again, he asks, âAnd why are you here, ___? The usual, as well?â
 Seo-joon doesnât move out of your space like the times he did before, instead pulling you into him a bit more, making your space his space too. Lips brush against the corner of your jaw, just below your ear. Teasing, yet sure.Â
 âIâm here to forgetââ Your hand twines into the hair at the nape of his neck when he nips softly at your earlobe, making you gasp quietly, interrupting yourself. ââabout someone.â
 He lets out a smug sound of understanding. âThatâs about as âusualâ as it gets, ___,â you hear him say, before he purrs confidently, âLet me help you.â
 And when he molds his lips to yours, you expect the kiss to feel as good as the lead-up.Â
 You expect the butterflies in your belly to flutter wildlyâ not go still. You expect the hands roaming over your body to feel rousingâ not misplaced, like they arenât supposed to be there. When you open your mouth to let him lick inside, you expect it to feel right. But it doesnât. Sure, it doesnât feel wrong, necessarily. But it doesnât feel like it should. He doesnât feel like he should.
 But you want him to. You want Seo-joon to feel right, and you want him to feel good. You want it so badly that you go home with him.Â
 ~~~
 The cab ride is nothing but a precursorâ something that needs to happen but not something that needs to be remembered. Itâs just a soft blur that prequels his soft bed, his soft kisses, his soft pets.Â
 Seo-joon is being gentler than he was at the club.Â
 Under the hazy hue of the club lights, the strong hands that tugged at the straps of your dress were confident, cunning, audacious, and assertive. Boldly expectant of the outcome he was so sure he would get.Â
 Under his sheets, those same hands are⊠not exactly timid, but ginger with their eagerness. Delicate, imploring, coy, and suggestive; tactfully encouraging, rather than expecting, the outcome that he hopes for. The way his hips brush against yours is unhurried and intentional. The crass, dirty movements from before that were careless and unrefined are long gone. Now heâs patient. Grinding into you slowly, deliberate.
 However, the change in pace, in the scenery, and in his demeanorâ none of it makes the kisses taste any sweeter; none of it makes the touches feel any better; none of it makes anything good enough in the effortless way you long for.Â
 Itâs counterintuitive but the lack of ease, paired with the desire for it, just makes you try harder. Redouble your efforts.
 You press your lips against his in a kiss thatâs harder, dig your nails into his shoulders with a grip thatâs harder. When you cant your hips up against his just soâ you do it harder. He gets a little harder in his pants, and the thoughts in your head get a little harder to ignore. Faking gets harder and pretending does too.
 Seo-joon is smart enough. Heâs probably been around enough, too. With experience under his belt, it doesnât take him long to sense the shift. The way your energy dulls, the slight tension tugging at your frame underneath him. But still, it doesnât stop him from testing the waters one more time, giving you a few more unsure, assessing kisses.Â
 To no avail.
 With furrowed brows, he pulls away. Seo-joon doesnât look angry, though. Just confused as he braces himself on his forearms, lifting himself just enough to be able to take you in, most of his body weight still resting atop you.
 He clears his throat. âYou donât uhâ you donât really⊠seem to beâ into this? Anymore? Into me?âÂ
 Your expression probably mirrors his. Confused, and maybe a little lost as you study him. Because heâs handsome. Almost unbelievably so, with his high cheekbones and sharp eyes; his nose and mouth that appear perfectly placed; his smooth, airbrushed skin.
 You should be into him. Superficially at the very least.
 But you just arenât because even though he is handsome, flawless even, heâs attractive in a very ordinary, classical way. There doesnât seem to be anything signature about Seo-joonâs features.Â
 When he smiled at the club, it was idyllic and exactly symmetrical. His cheeks filled out, but just enough. His teeth âa dentistâs dreamâ were pristine, perfectly proportioned, and all of them just the right size. So white that they were almost beaming in the dim lights.Â
 And even now, when he attempts an uneasy one to shake awkwardness itâs⊠fine. His plush lips are fine and his straight nose is fine and his even brows are fine and everything about Seo-joon is perfectly fine.Â
 But, to you, heâs not really anything special.Â
 Surface level, Seo-joonâs perfectly fine. But so are so many other perfectly fine, classically beautiful, ordinary men. Thereâs nothing that sets him apart. No defining characteristics, nothing about Seo-joon that makes him him.Â
 Yet you canât stop yourself from thinking that even if there were, it wouldnât matter.Â
Because you already know what makes someone special to you.Â
 Youâre well aware of the distinctive features that make your heart flutter. Like when someone smiles and their bottom lip tugs down just a hint farther on the left side. Or when they get little rounds under their eyes and scrunch their nose when they laugh. When he has things about himself that are slightly imperfect. Like big front teeth or a barely off-center freckle under his bottom lip. Like the deep scar on his cheek that he got from his brother when they were little. Or the faint one by his eyebrow from the piercing he had in college that had to be taken out before it was yanked out by a tiny hand.Â
 The man youâre sharing a bed with could be the most uniquely attractive person on earth and it wouldnât make a difference. It still wouldnât make him specialâ not to you.Â
 Heâs not what you want.
 You hum when you admit it to yourself.Â
 âIâm not.â
 Momentarily, Seo-joon looks taken aback by your seemingly rash rethink, but he takes your drunken bluntness in stride. He gives you a forced smile before he hangs his head in an apologetic bow, shifting from on top of you to lay next to you. âI see, Iâm sorry if I assumed or overstepped or made you feel like you had to come home with mââ
 Seo-joon sounds guilty, and it surprises you when a hint of guilt starts to bloom in your chest.
 âYou didnât!â you interrupt, âI thought I was into you⊠or like I should be into youâŠâ
 His eyebrow quirks and he just looks at you.
 âAhâŠâ you muse awkwardly, scanning the room.Â
 Itâs so very bachelor. Dark furniture, a big tv mounted on the wall, a little bar cart off to the side next to the mini fridge thatâs kinda big to be called âminiâ. Nothing personal at all that could tell you anything about him, except the boxers on the floor that tells you he prefers Armani. No hint as to what his goals or his hobbies are.Â
 Perhaps it's a good thing you didnât sleep with Seo-joon. Guys like him have the most brutal post-nut clarity and youâre not sure you could take another grown man hurting your feelings.Â
 âI just donât want you to think likeâ I donât know? That you did something wrong? Or that you like coerced me into coming hââÂ
 âWait, I didnât think thatââ
 ââIâm the one that should be sorry!â you assure him, âBecause I donât think I actually went out to try and forget someone; I think I was trying to find them?â
 A couple of stilted seconds pass.Â
 âIn⊠me?â he asks, like heâs mentally trying to puzzle the pieces together.
 âI guess? Maybe replace them with you? Or like⊠use you⊠as a placeholder?â You wince helplessly at your choice of words, unable to stop them before they spill out.Â
 Seo-joonâs confusion is replaced by a quick, bright laugh which is followed by a small smile that seems almost pitying.Â
 âYouâre still youngââ
 You physically cannot stop the way you interrupt him with.
 âPlease shut the fuck up.â
 The tired words are spat tartly before you can clench your teeth around them. Itâs probably a defense mechanismâ youâre not quite sure you can handle another grown man being mean to you, but youâre almost very sure that you canât handle one lecturing you about how young you are, about how much life you still have left to live, about how your youth makes it difficult to know what you really want, about howâ
 âWhoa,â he laughs. Heâs on his side, his head propped up on his palm. He eyes you for a moment before he tugs the strap of your bra back up, haphazardly covering you again. âSore spot?âÂ
 Pulling his sheets up for good measure, you pout. âHe was older.â
 Seo-joon makes a noise of understanding. âOlder like⊠older brotherâs friends older? Or older like met him at your dadâs work party older?â
 Heat floods the rounds of your cheeks and you look anywhere but at the man next to you. No photos in frames. Not even a dvd collection that could tell you what type of movies he likes.
 âHeâs likeâ dad old,â you murmur, chancing a glance at Seo-joon only to see him pull a queasy-looking face, and then youâre backtracking to defend yourself. âBut only like baby-dad old! Not likeâ teenager-dad old!â
 He looks unconvinced. âHow bigâs the gap?â
 â7 years?â you try.
 Seo-joon goes from unconvinced to shocked and then to puzzled. âThatâs like⊠nothing? Probably around our gap too?â
 Your hands fly up and you scoff a little as you exasperate, âThatâs what I said!â
 He joins in and you both laugh in his bed until the giggles putter out into lazy silence. Youâre pulling at a little tuft of lint when he hums.
 âHe told you that you were too young?â
 You open your mouth to reply immediately, but then hesitate.Â
 Because your age was part of it. Of course, it was, but was it all of it? Was it the root of it?
 âI mean you are; not too young, just⊠young. Butââ Seo-joon grins smugly, giving you a pointed look when he sees you scowl, ââyouth isnât a bad thing. And youâre smart. I meant it when I said that.â
 Rolling your eyes, you say, âWe literally just metââ
 âYeah, and?â he counters, just for the sake of it because he still doesnât allow a reply. âWe only just met and I could already tell that you were smart. Even though I tried, I knew my⊠methods wouldnât work on you. You read me like an open book,â he repeats what he said earlier that night, before speaking slowly like heâs spelling something out for you. âand Iâm sure Iâm not the only one youâre able to read like that?â
 Your scowl intensifies. âWhat are you getting at?â
 âThis boy youâre trying to âforgetâ? âFindâ?â The hand thatâs not supporting him comes up and he makes some air quotes. His tone is a little softer, like maybe heâs trying to be gentle. Or maybe heâs just tired of talking to you. You canât be sure.
 âI feel like youâre smart enough to know if the whole thing is worth it or not. How long ago was it?â
 âA month or 2⊠give or take 17 daysâŠâ you mumble, avoiding his gaze.
 âOkay. But yeah⊠thatâs a good chunk of timeâŠâ he says around a quick yawn. Then he hums thoughtfully to himself. âI feel like you could think back and read the situation a bit more clearly now? Like, reassess it to⊠you know⊠I donât know just figure stuff outâŠâ
 ââYou know, I donât knowâ, âJust figure stuff outâ, â you mimic dryly, âThatâs all the advice you have to offer me when youâve lived lifetimes longer than me?â
 âListen, you canât hate all men because of one manââ
 âYes, I caââ
 âOkay but, you donât even hate that one man? Thatâs the whole issue?â Seo-joon interrupts. He lilts his tone up in an inquisitive manner, like he wants you to confirm.Â
 You refuse and choose to reply with petulant silence.
 âExactly. Câmon, use that big, smart brain in that pretty, little head of yours,â he encourages, âLook back and just figure stuff out. It might be hard, but not as hard as you think. I feel like time away from what we think we need or want, always puts things into perspective. Distance makes the heart fonder, orââ He pauses for dramatic effect. âIt makes the heart indifferent.â
 Not rolling your eyes is a feat, but you manage. âClearly my heart did not become indifferent if I am laid up with you and still going on about it.â
 Seo-joon hums again, carries on some more. But youâre not paying attention because maybe time didnât put things into perspective, but his words just did.
 Distance and time make the heart indifferent.
 Jeongguk hasnât been to your store once since you left his house.Â
 You frown, connecting imaginary dots as a little wrinkle sprouts between your brows. âHe hasnât come to see me since he cut things off.â
 Seo-joon pauses mid-sentence, mimes your expression. âDid you expect him to?â
 You pause now.Â
 âUm⊠kinda?â you start. Rolling to your side you copy his position so you can look at him. âI mean, I work at the grocery store he would normally shop at,â you explain, before tacking on, âThatâs where we met. He lost his baby and I found her⊠Orâ she found me I guess.â
 A small twinge of pain pricks your heart at the mention of Nari. You wonder if sheâs talking, or if sheâs at least getting closer. If she still doesnât keep the sock on her left foot, or if sheâs grown out of that nerve-wracking yet endearing little habit of hers.Â
 What Dasom said about Nari getting attached comes to mind and you hope the little one is doing well. It hurts a little to think about, but you hope for her sake, that she didnât get too attached or too sad when you stopped coming around. You hope she forgot you quickly.
 âAnyway,â you say, âGuess that means his heart became indifferent.â
 Giving a half-hearted shrug with a single shoulder, aiming to come off unbothered. Trying to act indifferent yourself, and like your heart didnât just drop. You blink a couple of times in an attempt to clear the glassiness you know is cloaking your eyes and offer a weak smile.
 Regarding you with a slightly concerned color to his features, Seo-joon chooses to not address the passing mention of a misplaced child or the fact that youâre very close to crying while half-naked in his bed. Decidedly, he says, âIâm not sure if I would call avoidance indifference.â
 You sniffle. âHuh?â
 His eyes narrow and he looks like heâs debating something internally. Then he sighs. âListen, Iâm not trying to encourage you to wait for him or go back to him. Or like⊠give you false hopeââ
 âGee, thanksââ
 âNo really,â he stresses, âbecause that genuinely could be nothing. Men are a bit dense. They do things that may seem calculated, but in actuality, theyâre just daft and it didnât even cross their mind. But in my opinion,â he continues slowly, a bit hesitantly, âChoosing to not go to the grocery store he âIâm assumingâ frequented regularly? Right after a breakup?â He sucks a bit of air in through his teeth before he shakes his head. âYeah, that seems like a very deliberate choice.â
 âLike indifference would be moreââ he continues before pausing briefly to choose the right words, âI picture indifference as more ofâ him still going to your work, despite the breakup, because he just doesnât give a fuck.â
 Whatever words you were planning to say get caught in your throat and you cough out a short laugh at Seo-joonâs straightforwardness.Â
 He grins a little. âRight? Because thatâs what it isâ a lack of interest, lack of concern. Like he just doesnât care one way or the other about you being there because youâre not important enough for him to be affected by you.â
 You know heâs speaking in hypotheticals, but it still sours your expression. Makes your lips pull down at the corners.
 âPersonally, if I were him and I was truly indifferent, truly unbothered,â he places his hand on his bare chest, âyou being there or not being there wouldnât be significant enough for me to alter my routine.â
 Your eyes flit quickly over Seo-joonâs torso. His gesture causes the sheet to fall slightly, pooling at the subtle curve of his waist. Thereâs a faint warmth flooding your cheeks as you swiftly and intently bring your gaze back up.Â
 You swallow before replying with a simple, âAh⊠yes⊠that makes perfect sense.â
 Playfully, Seo-joon scowls at you. âYou sure you donât want to fuck?â
 âYup.â
 âIt may helpââ
 âNope, donât think it will actually.â
 He shrugs, an amused grin still lingering. âSuit yourselfââ
 âI feel like your post-nut clarity would hurt my feelings and Iâm vulnerable right now.â
 Itâs silent for 1, 2, 3 seconds before Seo-joonâs loud laughter echoes in his room. Failing to keep a straight face, he rolls on his back and rests his head on his pillow as he lets himself laugh to his heartâs content. Then he inhales deeply and scrubs a hand over his face and swipes a finger beneath his bottom lashes; catching his breath and regaining his composure and wiping away the wetness under his eyes.Â
 A few seconds pass before heâs turning his head to look at you with a quiet smile. It feels a bit too tender, too sincere, and too heartfelt, for what was supposed to be a one-night-stand.Â
 âSee,â he says softly, âtold you you were smart.â
 You just look at him, trying to read him like heâs so sure you can. There doesnât seem to be any ulterior motives, just him being genuinely kind to you because he wants to be. And for some reason that makes your eyes burn.
 âIf it doesnât hurt too badly to revisit everything that went on with the boy,â Seo-joon begins, interrupting the light hush that settled between the two of you, âI really feel like youâll be able to see things clearer; read the situation better. Figure stuff out. And then, things will start to fall into place for you. Everything will start to make a little more sense. Youâll know if youâre wasting your time being hung up on him, and if itâs worth your happiness. Youâll know if looking for him is worth the effort, and youâll be sure that âfindingâ him is actually what you want after all.â
 Youâre definitely going to cry.
 âAnd when I said you were still young, and that your youth wasnât a bad thing,â he continues, âI meant that if you decide that you do want to look for him, and you do find him againâ you still have enough time to try with him again.â
 With a wobbly bottom lip, you feel your features slowly morph into a scowl.
 Itâs self-directed because itâs then that you think about whatâs happening and how ridiculous it all seems.
 Because why are you on the tail end of being drunk, half-naked in the bed of a grown man who you met just hours ago? Why are you telling him bits and pieces about the person he was supposed to distract you from? The person that caused you the most delicately painful ache thatâs been festering for months? Why are letting this man give you advice? Why are you letting him comfort you? And why does it feel like heâs done a better job of it by just listening to you for the last few hours, than friends youâve had for years?Â
 And why do you feel like youâre going to cry about it?
 The self-directed scowl morphs to a Seo-joon-directed glare.
 âHeâs not a boy,â you begin in a voice that shakes just a hint, arguing just to be difficult, âheâs a man with the cutest baby and heâs 30 now andââ The urge to cry cuts you off and you feel the first tear leak from the corner of your eye.Â
 Seo-joonâs soft, sincere smile turns slightly sad as he tracks the salty drop. âHey, donât cryââ
 âShut-up,â you spout, your tone somewhere in between short and like youâre begging him to be quiet because it was him speaking that brought you to this state in the first place.Â
 A short staring contest ensues.
 âAlsoâ I bet you wouldâve been the worst fucking one-night stand,â you add on for good measure.Â
 Seo-joonâs ability to keep from laughing is impressive. Itâs only for a second that an amused smile overtakes his featuresâ a natural reflex he isnât able to stop. But itâs barely there at all before heâs schooling his features into something that he hopes looks receptive, like heâs taking in what youâre saying, absorbing it like itâs Gospel.Â
 But heâs also a curious motherfucker, and he wants to know why you think that.Â
 âThat is baseless and an unfounded assumption,â he defends himself, because he may be receptive, but he is also a damn good one-night stand. âWith that being said, please tell me why you feel that way.â
 âBecause Iâm crying! And itâs because of you! You and your making of us bare our fucking souls during pillowtalk! Who does that?!âÂ
 Itâs huffy and snippy and you both know youâre being mean just for the sake of it.Â
 With lips pressed into a tight, smile-proof line, Seo-joon nods easily; agreeable and understanding.
 He knows youâre fragile and that youâre tiredâ so he chooses not to voice how he considers what you talked about very surface level. How he thinks you may be more hurt and affected by whatever took place between you and this guy than you even realize yet. How he feels like you still have so much to work through, so much to learn.
 Seo-joon lets you win and reminds himself that, right now, itâs not his job to help you soothe the things that hurt or fix the things that are broken. Reminds himself that youâre smart enough to figure stuff out on your own. Â
 Thereâs a brief lull in the conversation thatâs not as awkward or tense as it probably should be.
 You sniffle. Then you hiccup.
 And Seo-joon laughs, loud and brash and fond as he leans towards you. He gives you what feels like a platonic kiss on your forehead.Â
 âCan I get your number?â
 ~~~
 Itâs an early Thursday morning in late January and Jeongguk is feeling troubled. Plagued, if you will, as he towels off after his morning shower. Plagued with the ever-growing, ever-evolving urge to check up on you. To see how youâre doing.
 Lurking, as Taehyung calls it, doesnât happen all that often. Jeongguk makes a point to not let himself do it daily. Or even weekly. It was his New Yearâs resolution, in fact. That being said, itâs been exactly 12 days since heâs used his friendâs 8-year-old sonâs instagram account to see what youâve been up to.
 Typically, he can talk himself out of the sudden notion. Put it off until he forgets, or just doesnât feel he needs to so badly anymore. Currently, however, heâs blaming his inability to nix the restlessness in his fingertips on the fact that he hasnât had Nari around to keep him busy. Itâs been a long week.
 Because Jeonggkâs been doing his best to keep himself from opening your page for what feels like days. Resisting the pesky pull even though he doubts youâve even posted. Out of the times heâs given in over the last few weeks, he thinks youâve posted maybe once. And it was just a picture of some clouds at thatâ vaguely heart-shaped, wispy, white puffs against sky-blue. The caption was just two emojis, the wind-face lady next to the white heart.Â
 So frankly, even though heâs not exactly keen on how strong and itchy the urge to check on you isâ heâs also not exactly sure why heâs fighting it. Not when merely scratching it isnât going to change anything.Â
 After shrugging on his work blazer, Jeongguk admits defeatâ his inner demons having won yet again. He resigns to apathetic, easily accepted complacency as he swipes through the pages on his home screen till he gets to the very last one that houses the small, sunset-colored camera app. He figures he should probably just get it over with. Â
 As he touches the application open, Jeongguk reasons that heâs just been putting off the inevitableâ that he knows an itch canât be ignored and that it wonât be quelled until itâs scratched or soothed. Tells himself that a quick peek before heading out for work wonât matter.
 As he clicks on the mini magnifying glass at the bottom of the screen, Jeongguk reminds himself of lurkingâs insignificance. Thinks back to all the times heâs done it before and how it never made a difference.Â
 As he sorts through the random selection of 8-year-old boy searches till he finds your user in the mix, he reassures himself that checking on you wonât do anything but alleviate the nagging in the back of his head and the tingling in his fingertips.Â
 As he taps your profile, he convinces himself that lurking will be relieving and nothing more.
 As Jeongguk sees that you have posted, he realizes that this time, lurking does matter and that he is so very stupid for assuming it would bring him relief.
 The picture is blurry, not unlike a handful of others heâs seen on your feed.Â
 But the setting captured is new. The pink-tinted lighting isnât familiar, and neither is the purple and blue hues. The crowd you captured is much more⊠abundant than what heâs become accustomed to seeing when he pulls up your page.Â
 Jeongguk scans the photo for just a bit longer and then swipes to the next one in the post. This one is the final stupid nail in the coffin of Jeonggukâs stupid demise. The couple shot glasses grouped together in blurry cheers are all the confirmation he needs to know exactly where you were. His eyes flick to your caption, and then his features pull into a pensive frown with furrowed brows.
 BUT FOUR DRINKS IM WASTED !!Â
 Jeongguk taps open the comments.
 flickthebinna: youâve had exactly two (2) shots
ocstagram: i am Wasted !! đ€Ź
jadedjade: can u let her be wasted and focus on getting our drinks @flickthebinna đ€š
 He canât help but chuckle at your and your friendsâ interactions, but as he closes the app he catches himself doing a certain habit of his. The little tick where he tilts his head and juts his jaw out quickly. His telltale sign of irritation.
 Irritated with himself, of course. Partly because of the obvious. The spying (from a childâs social media account nonetheless), the moping that heâs been doing for months, the procrastinating and avoiding thatâs been going on for almost just as long.Â
 But also because he feels so embarrassingly immature for allowing what he finds out from the spying to affect him so deeply. It seems so very juvenile to get this worked up over an instagram post.Â
 Heâs irritated at the emotional rush and the way his hands are shaking. At the way his mind is jumping to conclusions and conjuring up all sorts of sour scenarios. Heâs irritated with himself for the way unwarranted jealousy burns in his chest.Â
 The irritation stews; sits in the passenger seat as he makes the drive to workâ right next to the sudden instinct to act on a restless whim. The irritation festers; accompanies the worsening impulsive urge that makes it hard to think and ultimately pushes him to make a wrong turn.Â
 The irritation is only sated when he pulls up to a curb and his car comes to a stop.Â
 Jeonggukâs irritated with himself for a lot of things. But mostly because it took him so long to get here.
 ~~~
 Heâs not sure why he anticipated you answering the door. Karma wouldnât be so kind, and he wouldnât be so lucky. Obviously.
 âAnd why the fuck are you here?â This is how Binna greets him, after taking him in with a groggy, borderline bored stare.Â
 With a wince, Jeongguk tries, âHi Binnaââ
 âDonât you have a job?â she interrupts, the volume of her tone increasing with every word. âArenât you so busy? So busy, in fact, that itâs so hard to find the time forââ
 He opens his mouth to try and get a word in but stops abruptly. So does Binna when she feels a soft hand on her shoulder, and hears a grumpy âWhy are you being so loud?â.
 Right in front of him, youâre still half-asleep. Drowsily using the sleeve of the oversized sweatshirt youâre wearing to rub over your face tiredly. Seeing as he decided to show up at a little past 8 in the morning. Â
 After a few slow, dreamy blinks, you direct your attention to Jeongguk and he feels like he canât breathe.
 Itâs unconscious, how his lips turn up a smidge when he really sees you for the first time in what feels like forever. When he sees the warmth that lives inside of you color your skin with the softest, natural flush.Â
 Jeongguk is still so jealous.Â
 He watches you and he studies you. Now that heâs not relying on his memories or the pictures in his camera roll or the ones on your socialsâ heâs trying to pick out whatâs the still same; how youâve changed. Your hair is a bit longer, a shade or two darker as well. Maybe itâs the big hoodie youâve got on, but you look smaller than he remembers. In his chest, he feels his heart tug but he canât dwell on it too much as he refocuses on your features beginning to stir.Â
 They shift from dazedly blank to shocked, as if your still-sleepy brain has just now registered him being there, and the smallest gasp sounds from your lips. Then an expression thatâs a cross between confused and angry takes the place of prior surprise. The doe-ish look becomes sharp and stern; your narrowed eyes are framed above by scrunched brows and below by shadowy circles. Your mouth goes from slack with your plush lips barely parted, to pouty and pursed in a deep frown.
 Jeongguk knows he should say something.Â
 Explain.Â
 Say sorry.Â
 Ask for forgiveness.Â
 But he feels mute, like his heart is stuck in his throat. Like he canât do anything but stand there and hope you show him a little bit of undeserved grace. That you give him a moment, and then another, to get himself together. Even though heâs had too many moments already to do exactly that.
 In the few seconds that go by you shoo your roommate, and after sheâs gone, your face changes once again. Softening just enough to not be so harsh. You stand in your doorway as he flounders and you watch with intent, almost curious, anticipation. And Jeongguk doesnât want to be too optimisticâ but he thinks there might be a hint of relief, an inkling of eager, hopeful expectation hiding in the way youâre looking at him.Â
 As if youâve been waiting for him; wanting himâ and now heâs finally here; almost yours.Â
 Heâs so caught up in that âthe minute chance of reconciliation that he only thinks he caught a glimpse ofâ that he doesnât get out of his head until the movement of your shoulders slumping, and your chest deflating rips him out of it.Â
 Jeongguk would prefer the air your demeanor carried just moments ago. The quiet, masked hopefulness you gave off before you made yourself smaller and breathed that tiny, dejected sigh. God, he would even take the calloused, puzzled hostility you had when you first realized it was him in standing in your doorway. Anything over how you look currently.
 Definitely disappointed, maybe a little bit embarrassed, and just so sad.Â
 Itâs what he expected, at least to some extent. Heâs foolish, but he can only fool himself so much. Thereâs a limit on how many fantasies of effortless forgiveness he can have before he has to face reality.Â
 Jeongguk knew you would be sad, and he knew you would be disappointed. He was ready to take responsibility for the role he played because he was so sure that it would be his fault.
 But what makes how youâre looking at him right now so awful, so unbearableâ is that youâre looking at him like it has nothing to do with him.Â
 You donât look disappointed in him. You donât look sad because of him.Â
 It looks internal, so personal.Â
 Like youâre sad because you naively allowed yourself to hopeâ let it glimmer, shining so obvious in your eyes. Only for the brightness to dim, snuffed out by the foolishness that so often goes hand in hand with naivety.Â
 Like youâre sad because as soon as you saw him, you had expectationsâ preconceived notions about how it would go when he came back, how he would act. Only to learn that with enough preconceived notions, you can turn expectations into daydreams.
 Maybe thatâs why you look a little embarrassed, too. Because you so quickly let yourself hope, like a child who hasnât learned from their mistakes. Because you immediately conjured up expectation-disguised daydreams of Jeongguk. Still, after all this time. After everything heâs done, you still expected good from him.Â
 You look like youâre disappointed in yourself, not him, because you should have known better.
 He doesnât find his voice until youâre shaking your head like heâs let you down. Until youâre turning away from him and edging the door closed.
 âIâm sorry!â
 Jeongguk blurts the words out, and he didnât say much but his chest is heaving and heâs got this frantic way about him and a panicky feeling flooding his veins. When you look up, surprise flashes across your face, but itâs gone in an instant and is replaced by incredulous anger. Like you canât believe him.Â
 Despite your trying to stand your ground and hold his gaze, a gleam still shines in your eyes.
 âI am,â he assures breathlessly, his eyes darting across your face, âIâm so sorry, ___. Andââ
 When Jeongguk tells you he misses you, he notices how you almost flinch. How your eyes snap shut tightly âlike you can feel his words, but still arenât sure if theyâre real or if theyâre true; like youâre scared of finding outâ and the heavy tears pooling on your lashline finally spill over.Â
 As the salty droplets drip down the apples of your cheeks, Jeongguk feels an ache that hurts so badly that itâs visceral. Like if he could crack open his chest, he could get a hand on the it and just rip the pain out and make it go away. If only that was the case.Â
 âIââ you start, but your voice gives out. You clear your throat with a small cough, and talk to the ground because itâs easier to talk to than him. âMaybe weâre better like this, Gguk.â
 Jeonggukâs heart drops, and itâs a struggle to get out even just a whispered a plea of your name.
 When you speak up this time, you force your eyes to meet his. Your brows are upturned and your bottom lip quivers for just a second before you take a deep, self-soothing, breath and school your features into a facade of indifference and resolve.Â
 âI hope Nariâs been okay. And you. I hope youâve been okay, too.â
 Jeonggukâs brows furrow. Heâs confused but gives you an unsteady nod. âSheâ sheâs good, yeah.â
 You scan his face, trying to keep your own expression neutral. But how he only mentions Nari and not himself doesnât evade you. A faint heartache murmurs in your chest, but you mimic his nod. âThatâs good. Iâm gladââ
 âWhat about you? Have you been okay?â
 Jeonggukâs words come out overhasty and too eager. But after such a long time of replaying old dialogues in his headâ talking to you just feels so nice. He doesnât want to stop, even if the conversation feels stilted and trivial. Heâs still going to hang on to every little marginal thing you say, and heâs still going to do his best to keep the empty words flowing between you.
 He doesnât realize heâs holding his breath while he awaits your answer. Not until he hears you say, âYeah, Iâm happy, I thinkâ and the air inside his lungs vacates. Making room for a thick cloud of melancholy that isnât surprising, but still makes it hard to breathe all the same.Â
 Guilt mingles with the suffocating hurt because you being happy shouldnât make him sad. Â
 But then you smile and Jeongguk responds with a frown and a skeptical shake of his head.Â
 Because the smileâ itâs so fake, so unconvincingly artificial and staged that when it turns your eyes to half moons and causes their corners to crinkleâ it also forces a fresh wave of tears to tumble down your cry-flushed cheeks.Â
 He doesnât believe you, but thatâs no surprise. Youâve never been a good liar.
 A dim, defeated laugh putters from your lips. Trying to portray nonchalance, you give him a weak, half-hearted shrug, like you know youâve been caught but it canât be helped.
 He knows it hurts you to dismiss him. He can hear it in your shaky, wispy tone when you say, âTake care, Gguk.â
 Take care Gguk.
 Jeongguk knows itâs a âgoodbyeâ. A goodbye that heâs having trouble processing.Â
  It feels like a lifetime, but really itâs only a few seconds that Jeongguk stands there trying to make sense of your words. Itâs only a few more before the door closes on him.Â
 Jeongguk couldnât process the goodbye, but the telltale click of the door locking somehow makes perfect sense.
 ~~~
 Like you are the starlet of your very own coming of age, lifetime, hallmark romance dramaâ you donât let yourself cry until your back is pressed against the closed door. Then you cover your mouth to keep quiet as you slide down the wood.
 The moment is short-lived.Â
 âWhereâs Jeongguk?â
 The voice seemingly comes from nowhere, and you jump slightly before swearing and directing your puffy, bloodshot eyes at your roommates. They both have their head peeking out from behind the kitchen wall. Nosy.
 âWhat do you mean âwhereâs Jeongguk?ââ you groan, knocking your head back against the wood.
 Binna and Jade exchange a look.Â
 âAre you guys like⊠not gonna⊠talk?â
 You slow blink at them a single time.
 An awkward quiet permeates the pumpkin-spice-scented air of your shared home. Itâs not even Fall anymore.Â
 âWell,â Binna starts, and then cuts herself off like she spoke before she knew what she wanted to say. She elbows your other housemate. âJade?â
 Jade gives you an instinctive, reactionary smile thatâs far too big. âI mean⊠communication is key⊠right? And thatâs mainly what was lacking before? Talking now could give you the oppurtunity to say all the things youâve been wanting to. And maybe he can explain his sideââ
 Binna raises a hand to cut her off, âToo much credit, he is still a man.â
 âFair butââ
 The two bicker for a bit before looking at you again.
 âWait, did you not want to work things out?âÂ
 You roll your eyes. âOf course I wanted to.â
 âOf course you did,â Jade agrees easily.Â
 âOf course you did,â Binna mimics before groaning and asking, âSo why the hell is he not here, and why the hell are you not talking and âworking things outâ?âÂ
 Crossing your arms, your posture becomes defensive. âWouldnât that be too easy? Like he shows up at my door after all these months of virtual silence and I just let him in? Arenât I supposed to make him grovel and cry and beg?âÂ
 âYou have to let the man speak for him to be able to grovel and cry and beg, Iâm afraidâŠâ Binna informs.
 The narrowing of your eyes is the simple response she gets. Only because Jade speaks up before you can.
 âYou knowâŠâ Jades starts, then ponders momentarily. âIf it was you that showed up at his house out of the blue at 8 in the morning on a weekday? Then yeah,â she nods to herself, âI would say that it was too easy for him. But he came back to you. And just talking to him?â she shakes her head, âThatâs not forgiving him. He still has a lot of work to doâ and you should make him prove himself. Prove that heâs grown and changed,â Jade says before she gives you a gentle smile. âBut him knocking on the door was also him taking the first step.â
 He came back to you.
 Itâs what you wanted. But now that itâs happening, you have no clue what to do next.Â
 You donât know what to say. Are you supposed to lie and tell him youâre thankful that he pushed you away; that it helped you realize that he was right? That you are too young? That youâre happier without him, better off being free like he wanted you to be?Â
 Or do you tell him the truth? Do you tell him about how hard it was without him? About how painful it was to go from having so much of him, all of the timeâ to not having none of him at all, ever? Do you come clean about how hollow and lost being alone made you feel? Do you tell him about how much it hurt every time you thought about how all it took was a few words from his exâ and you were gone; cut out so easily and carelessly? Do you admit that it still hurts to remember?
 You donât know what to do. Do you resist the fight youâre expected to make him put up? Or do you not fight it much at all and welcome him with a second chance and a fresh start? Do you pretend like you didnât miss him? Like you didnât fantasize about him coming back? That you didnât look for pieces of him everywhere you went; in everybody you met?Â
 You donât know how to feel. Happy because he came to you? Sad that it took so long? Scared because him coming back is just another chance for him to leave again?
 You were already crying, but the trickle of tears grows steadier. The sleeve of your sweatshirt is swiped angrily at your eyes, the light grey material dampened a few shades darker.Â
 âBro,â you cry, âI canât even look at him without crying, Iâm not gonna be able to talk to him. It hurts too bad.â
 Jade looks down at you, gives you a pity pout. âIf itâs any consolation, I think he will cry too.â
 Binna agrees with a sympathetic nod of her head. âHeâs probably hurting just like you, but itâs what he deserves.
 â___,â Jades speaks up again, âIt doesnât have to be soâ painstaking. Like you donât have to drive yourself mad thinking about what you should do. Just do what you want to do. If you want to talk to him, then talk to him.â She shrugs like itâs really that simple.
 And maybe it is.Â
 ~~~
 It definitely isnât.
 Because if it was, you would not have opened with, quote, âI let you put your finger in my assâ, unquote.Â
 And Jeongguk wouldnât have replied with a slow, painfully dumb sounding: âIâ yes⊠I rememberâŠ?â
 You donât even really know how it happened.Â
 One second youâre hit with a burst of inspired adrenaline and then the next youâre knocking the wind out of both you and Jeongguk by barreling into his chest. The collision must have knocked the sense out of you, too. Itâs the only explanation for your behavior.Â
 All the same, the blame canât be entirely yoursâ Jeongguk has to take some of it. He was standing directly outside of your door, after all. He claims he was working up the courage to knock again but thatâs beside the point.
 You keep your thoughts to yourself, as you pretend not to catch the way that he rolls his lips between his teeth to keep a smile off his face when you lead him into your room and slyly try to kick a few things under your bed. A stuffed animal, a bra. A few too many socks.
 Itâs a stupid attempt to make your space look a little more tidy and less like youâve been rotting in it for the last few months. The roomâs not too messy by any means; definitely not unkempt enough for you to feel embarrassed or like you need to straighten it up to impress him. But you hope he chalks it up to your nerves getting the best of you.
 Heâs nervous, too. If how awkward heâs being is anything to go by.Â
 Just standing at the foot of your bed with his hands in his pockets while you situate yourself in front of your headboard. He doesnât take a seat until you pat the mattress a little, letting him know itâs okay and that you want him to.Â
 Thereâs a quiet hush that fills the space. Itâs slightly tense, but itâs not entirely uncomfortable; stilted but somehow familiar.Â
 Youâre sitting with one leg dangling and a pillow in your lap. Itâs hugged to your chest. Perhaps a make-shift shield to put something between you and Jeongguk. Fiddling with a loose pillowcase string helps you avoid eye contact by making you look occupied.
 Jeonggukâs sat before you, stiff and looking down at the floor between his feet. Similarly evading your gaze just like youâre doing with his. Heâs clenching and unclenching his hands, rubbing his palms restlessly over the material of his slacks.Â
 Thinking back, Jeongguk feels like he did so much of the talking that night in his living room. Probably too much, if heâs being honest. He feels he never really gave you the time to say your side or a proper chance to explain yourself.Â
 So this time, he wants to let you do most of the talking. Let you be the one to initiate, at the very least. He wants to give you all the time you need to start the discussion how and when you want, with what you want and feel has precedence.
 Jeongguk stays patient right up until you say in a huff, âWell say something, Iâm obviously not good at this.â
 His lips twitch at your stubborn, slightly irritated tone.Â
 âYouâre the one that showed up at my house when Iâm pretty sure youâre supposed to be at work, so,â you wave your hand at him, indicating you want him to get on with it. âMust have something important to say.â Â
 The small laugh he allows himself is barely a chuckle, but it tumbles from his lips before he can stop it. Blames it on instinct and the simple fact that he just misses you.Â
 âIt is important,â he confirms, giving into your bait and starting the conversation for you. He considers staying quiet, getting another little reaction out of you, but he reminds himself that this isnât the time for that. If he plays his cards right, maybe then heâll be able to joke with you. But as of now, thatâs not his place anymore.
 Shifting to face you a little more, so that when he says, âI wanted to apologize to you, ___,â you have his full attention.
 When he speaks, you donât look at him. Instead, you only give him the faintest nod with your eyes cast down. Still fixed on the pillow in your lap. But Jeongguk notices how your lashes flutter quickly before you press your eyelids together tightly; just like you did earlier when he said that he missed you.Â
 Your shoulders lift when you take a deep inhale, and your face is more or less neutral when your eyes meet his.Â
 âItâs been months,â you tell him.Â
 As if he doesnât know. As if he hasnât been driving himself mad day in and day out trying to muster up the courage to do precisely this; as if time doing what time does hasnât been the bane of his existence. Because with each passing day, he knew he was that much closer to going from âitâs been so longâ to âitâs been too longâ. Heâs all too aware of just how long itâs been.Â
 Regardless, he doesnât want to give you excuses; choosing to be easily agreeable. He offers a small tilt of his head as acknowledgment.Â
 âWhy now?â you question him.
 Jeongguk tries to keep the sadness off of his face when he hears how you sound.Â
 The tone of your voice is unsure; hurt. But the pain is elusive. Only heard when your subtle heartache peeks through the veil of composure youâre trying to hide behind.
 While he racks his mind for a worthy explanation, his eyes scan yours. Overflowing with so many different emotions and so expressive just like he remembers.Â
 âI wishââ he begins, âI wish that I could tell you that Iâve been working toward this for ages and that I thought through all the steps and knew exactly what I wanted to say to youâŠâ He gives a small self-deprecating chuckle, âBut I canât tell you that. After earlier, itâs clear that I didnât have any idea or plan,â he offers you his bared palms. âI wish I had a good reason for âwhy nowâ, but I donât.â
 Your brows furrow with affronted confusion. Jeongguk speaks up before you can.
 âThatâs not to say that I havenât been thinking about this since you leftââ
 âI didnât leave, you got rid of meââ
 The correction is hissed before you snap your mouth shut like you didnât mean to say it. But you donât take the words back and Jeongguk canât control his expression this time. His face falls and he sighs as he looks down at the pattern on his pants.Â
 âIâve been thinking about this since I told you to leave,â he tries again, slowly. When you donât comment again after a small pause, he continues, âbut I wasnât actively figuring out how to do it. Iâve come to learn that plans are essentially useless, so planning out what to say to you seemed pointless. In hindsight, it just made me look stupid,â he muses.
 âHonestly, having you on a constant loop in my mind wasnât intentional; I didnât want that,â Jeongguk admits. But he doesnât even chance a glance, not keen to see your worsening scowl. âRemembering you just made me so miserable? Like, thinking about you all the time made me miss you all the time. And missing you made me so fucking sadâ like the kind of sad you can feel? Like it hurt to think about you. But you never left my head, so the hurt never went awayâŠâ
 Jeonggukâs words slowly come to halt, his cheeks reddening to a bright cherry when he realizes that heâs rambling. As heâs mentally trying to dull his blush to something more faint and less conspicuous, he notes that your expression changed. You still look a bit angry, but now, thereâs a pastel hue. A soft, muted sadness toning down the harshness.Â
 He stumbles a little when he says, âIâ Truthfullyâ I guess theââ Then he takes a quick, staccato breath mid-sentence to get himself together. âI guess the most truthful explanation for why I took so long is⊠avoidance? And guilt? Fear?âÂ
 When he frustratedly combs a hand through his hair, he pretends not to notice how itâs shaking. And heâs grateful that you donât mention it when you track his movement.Â
 The conversation gets stuck in a momentary limbo while Jeongguk thinks about what he said. Itâs the truth. He was scared beforeâ itâs what got him in this mess and itâs what kept him away for weeks too long. But heâs still scared. Despite getting the most intimidating part over with âactually coming to you after finally working up the nerve toâ the fear of fucking up still hasnât waned.Â
 Heâs still just as scared as he was.Â
 Scared of saying the wrong thing. Of not being able to put what he feels into the right words. Of not being able to convey how truly fucking sorry he is for hurting you, how much he regrets it. Heâs scared of hurting you again. Scared of you not forgiving him for the first time he did.Â
 He is still just as scared of lying in the bed that he made.
 Jeongguk digs his fingertips into his thighs and his nails are dull, but he does it hard enough for a minute pang of discomfort to still be felt. He makes himself puff out a lame chuckle. It sounds strained and resembles a scoff more than anything, but heâs trying to lighten the mood; make the air in the room lighter and easier to breathe.Â
 âIâm sorry,â he says on the tail end of the scoffing chuckle, shaking his head lightly. His voice has a light waver, shaky due to his nerves. âIâ Iâm justââ
 When he feels your small hand settle over the one he has working into his leg, his head whips up quickly and a reactive reflex almost has him pulling his hand away.
 But he stops himself before, and heâs so happy he does. Because when the initial shock wears off, your touch feels good. Familiar and comforting. Heâs happy he catches himself because your touch feels nice and when he looks up from it, he gets to see you.Â
 Itâs like you stopped hiding and came out from behind that veil. Or maybe itâs an accident and you just forgot to keep it up. Either way, it doesnât matter because he gets to see you watching him so artlessly, so openly honest. With a look that feels like a reminder.Â
 A reminder that your heart has always been so soft, so sweetâ that it still is. Softer than the hand you have settled gently over his and sweeter than its touch when you coax his own into being gentle, too, but with himself. A reminder that youâve always been soft, sweetâ that you still are. You look at him âsoftly; sweetlyâ like youâre reminding him that youâre still you.Â
 It makes his eyes water and he has to look away. The thin, pinstripes on his slacks blur together, blending into thick lines as unshed tears muddle his vision.
 âItâs okay, you canââ he hears you tell him, starting hushedly. You sound hesitant, like youâre not sure if you want to finish. âI⊠want to know what youâre trying to say. Soâ you can take your time... Iâll wait for you.âÂ
 And if someone asked Jeongguk to describe the ache that fills his chest at your wordsâ he would tell them that it hurts like he imagines the kindest, most tender, undeserved compassion would.
 âIt took me so long because I was a coward, ___,â he says quietly. But the word is spat from his mouth like something foul. âI was so scared of feeling the hurt and facing the guilt that came when I thought about you; what I did to youââ Shame runs through his veins and he shakes his head at how spineless he wasâ unable to face the consequences of his own actions. Itâs humiliating to remember.Â
 Heâs still talking down to his lap when he admits, âIâ just avoided it altogether. I was so busy trying to keep it away that I didnât give much thought to owning up to everything. I didnât even know where to begin or how to go about fixing things with you.âÂ
 Jeonggukâs not crying yet. With that being said, his vision is still bleary and his eyes are red-rimmed from fighting the stubborn tears. He turns the hand he still has underneath yours palm-up. Covers yours with his other on top. Your tiny hand sandwiched between his big ones. He tilts his head back, blinks the wet in his eyes away.
 âI wanted to so badly, though,â he tells you, bringing himself to look at you, âTo fix things with you. To just try with you. It took me way too long to understand something that should have been common sense: That things donât always happen the way you plan for them to; That pieces donât just fall into place just because you want them to. If I want something⊠It takes effort to make it happen. I have to work for it and try my best to put the pieces where they belong.â
 Jeongguk gives you a small smile and your hand a little squeeze. âI needed someoneâs help to figure some things out,â he rolls his eyes playfully, almost fondly exasperated by the memory. âLike how to start altering the way I think and how to stop with all the wallowing and self-commiseration. How to stomach self-reflection. But when it finally clicked and I really got it? Fixing things with you was the only thing I wanted to do.âÂ
 Thereâs a tiny flicker of something coming back. A sanguine glimmer replaces the chagrin in Jeonggukâs eyes and you try to mirror it, reflect it back to him. Because the things heâs saying all sound so good. Perfect and promising and like everything you could have hoped for.Â
 But when he says the thing about needing someoneâs help? Anything he said before gets repressed. Unclear and hard to recall, as if his words are stuck inside a wayward memory. Anything he says after is indistinct. Muffled and hard to hear, as if thereâs water stuck inside your ears. Similar to the rot thatâs stuck inside your heart; ugly and hard to get rid of.Â
 Such a gross, sickly feeling suddenly comes over you.Â
 It takes so much effort to swallow it down. The green-washed insecurity thatâs wanting to crawl up your throat and out your mouth. Masquerading as untrusting accusations that will make you seem paranoid. Heartsick questions that will leave you too vulnerable.Â
 Who was it? Was it her? Was Dasom the one who helped you?
 Of course, sheâs going to be a sore spot and you know that. But the thoughts fluster you and catch you a little off guard because itâs not like you to think like that.Â
 Itâs never been like you to be paranoid. To feel so self-conscious and easily threatened. Youâve never been the type to chastise. To interrogate, or pry. To accuse, or assume.Â
 The doubt came from out of nowhereâ crept its way into your head during a brief lapse of emotional awareness and into your heart when it erringly opened and was left unguarded. At first, quieting the intrusive thoughts and dispelling the negative feelings was a challenge. But in the end, you managed and it was fleeting and passed quickly. Â
 Shaking the residual embarrassment that follows the bad thoughts and emotions, is much more difficult.Â
 Unlike the momentary doubt, the sudden flash of insecurity that it comes with is so intense that it lingers, so strong that it fogs your head. It distractingly hangs out in the back of your mind making it hard to focus.
 It takes a few moments longer before youâre able to suppress it and push it down, down, down. Down far enough that youâll be able to forget about it. At least for a short while, youâll be able to convince yourself that the feelings wonât come back because itâs just not like you.Â
 Wanting to omit it altogether, you gather your composure and fully give Jeongguk your attention again. You give him a small but genuine smile and wiggle your fingers that are still between his hands.Â
 He smiles back softly, while you sit quietly. Youâre working to piece together the things he said while you were lost in your head, trying to come up with a decent response.Â
 âI was scared too,â you reveal quietly, âThe whole time I was scared.âÂ
 âWill you tell me what you were scared of?â
 âThere were so many things, Gguk.â You donât tell him that there still are. Jeongguk nods attentively. You gingerly untangle your hand from his, catching his eyes before looking around your room.Â
 âThe finger thing was a really bad example,â you begin trying to explain. You shake your head with a sheepish smile, embarrassed and horrified at your past self. âand it wasnât the actual act. It was more of what it meant that was scary for me? Like the fact that I let you do something that I always swore I would never let anyone do? Ever.â
 Laughing lightly, you think back on all of the times that your friends would make jokes. How they always told you that there would be a time that you would be horny enough to let it happen. The times when they had more class and said it was fine if you never wanted to and never did, but that they still thought you would end up giving in one day. For the right person, you would.Â
 But you always remained adamantâ so sure that nobody would ever make the act appealing enough, that nobody would ever make you feel comfortable enough with them for you to allow them to touch you like that or see you like that.Â
 âBut then I met you.â
 Jeonggukâs brows furrow slightly, like he doesnât quite understand. But he just stays quiet and nods again, waiting for you to continue. And honestly, you canât blame him. Anal should never be such a serious topic or something that feels like such a pivotal point in a relationship. You certainly wish that it wasnât.Â
 But alas.
 âAll it took was a couple of months⊠Just a few soft touches and some dreamy words and I was putty in your hands.â Your hands that are folded lightly in your lap open up to show your palms before they squeeze shut into tight fists. âI feel like I wouldâve done anything for you; anything you asked me to.â
 His features fall, and the expression he wears is laced with so much guilt. âWaitâ Did I⊠make you feel like you had to do certain things?â
 You canât help but smile at his concern as you shake your head sadly. âNo, no⊠nothing like thatâ I always wanted to.â
 Jeongguk frowns, not certain of how truthful youâre being.
 Promising him that youâre not lying, you elaborate. âThatâs part of why it was scary for me, I think. There was just something about you that made me soâŠI donât know, willing? So yours?â
 The admission makes pesky pinpricks of tears sting the backs of your eyes. âAnd I was. I was so yours the whole time even though you werenât mineââ
 âI wasââ Jeongguk chimes softly. Interrupting, if only for the sake of trying to convince you.
 âNot really,â you argue. The tone you use comes across as somewhat detached. Like youâre just stating a fact.Â
 Using the silence that nestles between you as an opportunity to think, you consider what youâre wanting to tell him. How vulnerable youâre willing to get. Your mouth opens before you feel like youâve even made your decision.
 âI knew you liked me,â you acknowledge because you donât want to be unfair, âbut part of me always wondered: âhow much does he?â and âfor how long will he?â. I was already scared that I was just a phase for you. Before Dasom ever said it.â
 Jeongguk tenses just a touch at the mention of his ex and you pretend not to notice, continuing with, âSo when she said that I was just something you needed to get out of your system and you didnât defend me? God, Jeongguk,â you get out, eyes squeezing shut. Wincing at the ghost of pain the memory brings back. âThat hurt so much.â
 Despite your wanting to look him in the eye and come off strong while you relay how his actions made you feel; itâs impossible. Despite wanting to seem as though youâve healed and grown and matured and like it just doesnât hurt so bad anymore; you canât face him.
 âAnd then everything happened so quickly?â you continue before he can get a word in, your words coming out rushed and frantic, âIt felt like you didnât even think about it, and like it was just so easy for you to let me go? Like I really was nothing just like she saidââ
 He canât stop himself from reaching out and quieting you when he hears the way your voice breaks. Jeongguk doesnât want you to cry, not sure he could handle it if you did. Your hands are in your lap still, clenched together, so he rests a palm on your knee.Â
 â___,â he says gently, âI need you to believe me when I tell you that none of that is true.â
 You keep talking like you donât hear him.
 âIt almost seemed like you were already over it, bored of me. And her saying those things was a convenient way toâ â you shake your head before sighing. âI was always scared that youâd end up getting tired of me, that you would stop wanting me and just get rid of me. And after what she said, it felt like you finally did. Like you used her words as an excuse so you could finally leave me.â
 âThatâs not true, baby,â he reiterates, tongue slipping as he tries to console you again
 At the pet name you look up. Your red-rimmed eyes locking with his.Â
 He stutters a bit as he backtracks, barely able to get out a stiff apology.Â
 And your lips pull down in a deep frown, and your brows turn up confusedly. âYou said you wanted to⊠fix things with me?â
 Jeonggukâs lips part, dim surprise taking over his face before he breathes a small yes.
 âI want that too,â you breathe back, âbut Iâm still so afraid Jeongguk.â
 âI know, I know you areâ I am tooââ
 âNot like me,â you counter, âYou may be scared, but youâre not scared like me. You canât be scared like me.âÂ
 Your words come out sharper than intended, too emotional for the facade youâre trying to portray. But you donât dwell on the tone of your voice. Nor do you dwell on the brief ire that flickers in Jeonggukâs eyes.Â
 âIâm scared that Iâll never catch up to you. You wonât ever know what that feels like because youâll never be the one thatâs worried about falling behindâ youâre the one thatâs ahead of the curve. Iâm scared that Iâm not good enough for you and Nariâ that I canât be. You have no reason to be scared of that.âÂ
 The fight to keep your voice level and in control dwindles. Every ounce of your pain can be heard as you let out the burdensome ache in your heart, little by little.Â
 Each word is heavier than the last when you ask Jeongguk, âWhy would you be afraid of not being good enough for someone who never made you question it?âÂ
 Jeongguk flinches. Visibly recoils as if your words are abrasive enough to hurt.Â
 Which is what you wanted. You wanted to hurt him, but it doesnât make you feel better like you anticipated. If anything his reaction makes your pain ricochet right back at you. Hurting him, hurting you.
 And then you consider that perhaps, you didnât truly want him to hurtâ that you might have just wanted him to be aware. To know what youâre scared of; how it hurts to be scared. Â
 âMaybe you are scared, too,â you amend, âMaybe there are even a few things that weâre both afraid of⊠but being scared isnât something we have in common.â
 The hurt from before is replaced by barely-hidden defensiveness. Jeongguk does try to hide it as he listens to you, though. You give him credit for that.
 âBeing scared that youâll realize that I actually am just some stupid kid that doesnât know what she wants, exactly like you thought, is a very specific fear,â you try to explain. âIâm scared that one day youâll look at me but you wonât see me anymoreâ youâll see a mistake that could have been avoided if you never came back. That Iâll cross your mind. But instead of thinking fondly⊠youâll end up thinking about how you wish you had just stuck by your decision when you said you wouldnât let me stay.â
 A defensive urge to argue the validity of his feelings comes naturallyâ heâs only human. His emotional side finds it unfair of you to determine, decide, and define his fears but the irony of the situation dawns on his logical side just as quickly.Â
 The fact that youâre speaking to him in a manner that mirrors how he spoke to you all those months ago, doesnât escape him. Instead, the similarities make him stop and think. Something he regrets not doing that night in his living room.Â
 He concludes that arguing with you would be pointless. He knows youâre right and it doesnât take him long to realize.Â
 Yeah, Jeonggukâs scared. But just like you saidâ heâs not scared like you. Not scared of what youâre scared of. Jeonggukâs fears are more or less internal and heâs had a few of them for most of his adult life, since he became a father. Some of the fears may concern you in some way or another, but none of them manifested because of you or something you did or things you said.Â
 Heâs scared, but heâll never be scared like you. Not when the things youâre afraid of only exist because of him.Â
 The thought of it never going away, of you never being the same or free of the ache he caused, even after the insecurities and fears are dug up by the rootâ it makes Jeongguk feel like heâs going to be sick.Â
 âI know you didnât mean to hurt me,â you end up saying after a few moments of watching Jeongguk struggle to get words out. âAnd I know you regret it. You showing up here proves that.â
 The small, sad smile you give him is too kind for what he did.
 âI thought I was doing the right thing,â Jeongguk says, âFor you, for Nari. I never thoughtâ Iâm so sorry, ___.â
 âI know,â you reassure, gently.Â
 And you truly do know how sorry Jeongguk is. He obviously doesnât have the words to express his remorse, but sincerity is written all over his face. His big doe-eyes dark and glassy and so genuine. Full of regret; the longing to go back and undo what canât be undone. Somehow so full of warmth, just like you remember.Â
 âI donât want to fight anymore,â you say.Â
 It doesnât sound like youâre at your witâs end or like you feel as if the conversation has reached itâs breaking point. Just sounds like what it means. Like you donât want to fight. Not with him. Not with yourself. Not with what youâve been wishing for since you lost it.Â
 Jeongguk agrees, nodding. âIâm sorry, I didnât mean to make it a fight. I want you to be able to talk to me aboutââ Heâs flighty, moving his hands all about, like heâs nervous and has too many things he wants to say. âabout everything, really. So, I promise, Iâll just listenââ
 You watch him for a few more seconds, letting the corners of your lips turn up just so. Then you reach for his hands, ceasing their movement with your own.Â
 âShush,â you laugh faintly, âThereâs still a lot we have to talk about. So muchâ we canât get through it all with one conversation. Itâs gonna take a lot of them and a long time, probably. But I think weâve covered the most important stuff, right?â
 Youâre aware itâs going to take time to get through the maze of problems you and Jeongguk have created between each other.
 But you canât help but think about all time that you wasted while making them.Â
 And you donât want to waste even more time by waiting till everything is figured out before you start letting yourself get past it. You donât want to hinder the process of moving forward by getting lost trying to navigate the maze. Not when youâve finally made your way back to each other.Â
 So while the labyrinth hasnât been solved, and all your issues havenât been fixed, at least now, you donât have to do it alone. You can resolve everything and find a way out together.Â
 Itâs possible that youâre too willing to push things aside, that youâre too keen to move past it all. That youâre not standing your ground, being too easy and too soft, too quick. That youâre not giving yourself enough time to consider what you havenât touched on yet. To process what you have.Â
 But as you told Jeongguk, you feel like what needed to be addressed has been. With time, everything else will be talked about. Which is enough for you and your eager heart. You donât want to wait anymore, not when youâve been waiting so long already.
 Jeonggukâs wearing a flush when you grin at him and he looks down at the pair of your hands, still slightly entangled on your duvet. His thumb rubs softly over your knuckles while he says, âIf youâre sure?â
 Vaguely aware of Jeongguk absently toying with your fingers while he awaits your reply, you think it over just for the sake of it and end up remembering something.
 You hum musingly, making sure he can hear the smile you decorate it with. An attempt to diffuse the heavy air in your room till itâs something more buoyant; lighthearted and easier to breathe. You curl your manicured finger around one of his, trapping it briefly before untangling both your hands.
 âActually,â you start.Â
 So very attentive, Jeongguk whips his head up.Â
 âNow that I think about it, you told me why it took you so long,â you reflect, âBut you didnât tell me why now.â
 Jeongguk opens his mouth to reply before heâs furrowing his brows, puzzled, pursing his lips into a line. Itâs quiet while he thinks.
 A weak, hopeless simper sounds, and he shakes his head while running a hand through his hair. âAgain, I wish I had a better answer for you.â
 You roll your eyes and change positions, now sitting criss-cross in front of him. âOkay, well, you didnât just randomly show up! There had to have been something that made you come now; today.â
 Light, but genuine laughter rings in your roomâ it starts off sounding like itâs accidental, cut-off chuckles only heard because the person laughing canât hold it in, and it ends as cute giggles that lilt throughout the space softly.Â
 And itâs all Jeonggukâs fault.Â
 âNo,â he says, around a breathy giggle, âI really did. I probably shouldnât admit that, but I couldnât stop thinking about you, and I ended up caving and looking at yourââÂ
 Itâs now your fault that sounds of amusement continue to filter in the airâ Jeonggukâs eyes getting wide and his face turning pink is too funny and you canât not laugh at him.
 He stutters when he tries to backtrack, âY⊠Yourâ pictures? On my phone? In my camera roll?âÂ
 You narrow your eyes suspiciously, impishly. âWhich of my pictures, hmm?â
 The flush coloring his cheeks runs down to his chest, the silver LV pendant of his necklace would probably be warm if you reached out and touched it. He would probably be warm too if you reached out and touched him.
 âNo! Oh my god, not those! I did not look at those, okay? Anyway,â he rushes out, âI really was on my way to work! But add a couple of turns and a few stepsââ he shrugs, âI guess now because I physically couldnât keep myself from you any longer? Because then I was at your door and now Iâm here. With you.â
 The giggles have finally ceased, and now itâs just your paired breathing that acts as low background noise while you both take the other in.
 âNow youâre here with me,â you repeat softly, with an even softer smile.
 Jeonggukâs eyes drop to your lips for the briefest of moments. He darts his tongue out to wet his own.
 â___. You were right,â he tells you, âIt didnât have to be all or nothing like I thought it did.â
 You nod once.
 âIâm sorry for not listening to you. For deciding for you and not letting you make your own choices. And for not even letting you explain your side that night. For how bad I hurt you and for all the things the hurt caused.â
 âOkay,â you breathe.
 âI should have listened to you.â
 Again, you nod.
 âI should have chosen you.â
 Itâs almost instantaneous when tears well in your eyes.
 âBut I was so scared of the way I wanted you and how badly I wanted it,â Jeongguk confesses, âIâve never felt the way I feel about you before. For anybody.â
 Mild confusion makes a home in your eyes.
 He expects it before he sees it stir your features, so heâs not surprised when it appears. He finds himself smiling. Maybe because heâs wanted to tell you that since he realized it. Or maybe he wants to finally do what he should have done the night of the fight, and even before then.Â
 Jeongguk smiles at your uncertainty because this time, he gets to make it go away. He gets to reassure you of your place in his life, of how important you are to him. Of how youâre worth trying for. Heâs quick to shush you when your lips part to speak.Â
 âNo one,â he insists, âYouâre so different, ___. And I feel so differently for you. I feel different when Iâm with you. Thatâs part of why I was afraid. I was scared to want you because I didnât know how to have you.â
 Tears are making his eyes gleam, glassy in the morning light that streams through your blinds. Yours are a mirror and you donât know how youâve kept the drops from spilling over.
 âIâm still fucking scared,â he admits, âLike you said, weâre both still scared. Because we have no god damn clue how this will turn out. If weâll even be able to fix it and get back to the way we were. Who might be collateral damage if we canât. If one of us will end up changing our mind. Or if weâll end up even better; if we âme and you, togetherâ will be the only thing that weâre sure about.â
 The urge to tell him that youâve been sure ever since you found his round little bug of a baby in your grocery store is so strongâ you think you may burst because of it. Maybe the lovestruck feeling in your chest has gone supernova.Â
 âI have no clue about anything other than the fact that I want to be with you, ___.â Â
 Let the record show that between you and him, Jeongguk is the one to let the first tear fall during this conversation.
 âI want to try.âÂ
 âYeahââ
 âIf youâll let me, I want to try for you. And if youâll have me, I want to try with you. Because if we donât at least tryâ I think Iâll wish that we did forever.â
 When you beam at him and exhale a simple, âOkayâ and Jeongguk echoes it, he thinks this is all too easy.
 But then he remembers how everything with you has always been that way. Maybe not too easy, but just right. Concerning you, the hardest thing heâs had to do is be without.Â
 He brings your hand to his lips, brushing your knuckles with a sweet, kiss. âI want to be with you,â he tells you again.
 You bite your lip to suppress your smile. âThen be with me.â
 This time heâs the one saying âOkayâ and youâre the one echoing.
 Until backtrack with a pout. âWhat⊠what am I? Likeâ to you.â
 âWhat do you want to be?â
 âYours.âÂ
 Your answer is breathed so quickly, like you didnât even have to think about it to know thatâs what you wanted. Like thatâs the only thing youâve ever wanted. How fast you reply gives Jeongguk butterflies. Makes him giddy while he tries to calm himself as he confirms, âMine,â before he adds quietly, a little shy, âIâll introduce you as⊠my girlfriend?â
 Jeongguk is so endeared when you close your eyes, wistful when you ask him to say it again in an airy voice.Â
 âMy girlfriend,â he whispers, squeezing your hand in his.
 When you open your eyes to look at him and he sees unshed tears heavy on your lashline, his heart pulls in his chest and it breaks a little when you murmur, âI didnât know if I would ever hear you say that.âÂ
 âIâm sorry it took me so long.â
 A teardrop escapes the corner of your eye when you shake your head, smiling so sweetly, so happily. Jeonggukâs distracted, just taking it in and getting lost in everything that is you. So much so, that he doesnât see it coming. Not until your arms are wrapped around his neck, his reflexively coming up to wrap around your waist like muscle memory.Â
 Jeongguk takes a deep breath when he has you in his arms, nuzzles his nose into your hair. Pulls you impossibly closer, and he can feel how he squeezes the air out of you when you puff out a dulcet laugh into the crook of his neck.Â
 When you bring your hand to the back of his head, the feel of your nails on his scalp and your fingers in his hair is enough to make him sigh, sink into the touch. Itâs familiar. Feels like a natural progression, just like the way your cheeks brush when you pull away just slightly, only to come back. Closer this time.Â
 His nose bumps yours, and he inhales your shaky sigh.Â
 âIâŠâ
 âYeah?â Jeongguk breathes.Â
 The shift is swift. The temperament of the atmosphere smoothly transformsâ going from something saccharine and tenderly sentimental to something decadently rich and heavy. The air all at once becomes thick and intoxicatingly heady; plush and ardently warm.Â
 The build-up is gradual. At first, the sudden heady note of warmth that makes your room hazy just feels like a blanket. Like it covers softly, tickles the skin lightly. Then it begins to seep in so slowly, gradually, that itâs not noticeable until the heat of it can be felt bone deep. Until fingers shake with the desire to touch.Â
 It starts with Jeongguk nosing along your jaw; down the length of your neck when you tilt your head to the side for him. It starts with the occasional, accidental brush of his lips against your skin. It starts with your hand gripping tight in his hair, a subtle try at pulling him in to keep him near.Â
 It ends with a kiss.
 Albeit, a fleeting oneâ but still a kiss nonetheless.Â
 Pulling himself back, Jeonggukâs features are tensed. Eyes squeezed shut, teeth gritted as he struggles with himself. Heâs rough when he gets a hold of you by your waist. His fingers digging in harshly; almost like he doesnât realize how heâs handling you. But heâs gentle when pushes you away to put some space between you.Â
 âWhyââ you whisper, needy, as you bring your palms to cover his grip at your waist. You pet at the backs of his hands, coaxing him into letting them roam. You guide his touch down to your hips when he gives in briefly, encouraging him to touch you. Â
 âI donât know ifâ Maybe we shouldnâtââÂ
 You crowd his space, bringing yourself to your knees and pushing his palms down to where the hem of your too-big sweatshirt grazes high on your bare thigh. Jeongguk groans after he loses his short internal battle. Canât rob himself of squeezing at the meat of your thighs just for a second before heâs trying to pull his hands from yours.
 He doesnât get very far because you end up cradling his face in your hands, angling his head up to look at you. And Jeonggukâs always been so easy for you. Itâs no surprise how easily he yields to the movement; how easy his eyes slip shut. How easily he parts his lips when your tongue teases the seam; how easy it is to get lost in the taste of you.Â
 âShouldnât what, Gguk?â you ask in a soft voice. Each word spoken between the kisses youâre trailing down the column of his neck.
 Jeongguk keeps his hands mostly to himself. Awkwardly letting them hover by your sides as he searches his brain, trying to recall the reason why heâs clinging to his resolve. It is so hard though, when youâre right in front of him. So willing and eager to let him have you. He finds himself following your lips when you barely let the plush center graze his cupidâs bow.Â
 âMaybe we should⊠take it slow?â he offers, dazedly. It wasnât supposed to sound like a question, but Jeongguk canât help the way his voice carries up at the tail end like heâs not sure thatâs really what he wants.Â
 A little giggle falls from your lips, puffs hotly over his. And Jeonggukâs never thought you evil before, but right now heâs certain that you are. Because, with wistful mirth still in your voice, all you do is nod like youâre simply humoring him and say, âYeah, maybe.â
 Then you kiss him again, sighing a delicate, âTouch meâ against his lips.
 You bring his awkward hands to your body, placing them on your tits, urging him to cup and squeeze over your sweatshirt.Â
 Jeongguk exhales shakily, unable to keep himself from rolling them in his palms.Â
 âYeah,â you whisper, âPlease.â
 His hold on your chest turns rough, accidentally letting his pent-up frustration out through his touch and taking it out on you. It doesnât hurt, not really, but you still whine. Let out a high, airy keen as your eyes slip shut and your head tilts back.Â
 Thereâs no warning. Only Jeonggukâs hands moving to your shoulders, followed by a push and then a tumble, ending with you on your back and Jeongguk hovering over you. Heâs got your wrists pinned by your head, and he looks down at you with dark eyes. The frustration in them juxtaposes the surprise in yours.Â
 âYou know thatâs not fair, ___,â he chides. His tone is harsh, trying to sound stern, maybe angryâ but thereâs a slight waver in his voice that tells you heâs struggling to stay collected.Â
 Fussily, you squirm under him. You tug against the hold he has on your wrists, only for him to squeeze tighter. You cant your hips in an attempt to rub up against his, only for Jeongguk to just lift them higher. A laugh of incredulity pairs the disbelief on his face when he glances between your wiggling frame and your irritated pout.Â
 âIâm trying to do things right,â he explains around his bemusement, as he roughly presses your wrists deeper into the mattress. âIâm trying to be good.â
 You stare up at him with pinched brows. He looks so pretty above you. Flushed a pretty pink with his lips parted and plumped by the kisses you managed to steal. A stray, misplaced strand of hair flutters with his heavy breathing. His eyes keep flitting down to your lips, and you can physically see how much he wants you; how hard it is for him to fight it.
 When he finally lowers his body to yours, itâs almost defeatedly. Jeongguk gives in and just rests his weight on you. Presses himself against you, hot and hard between your legs. Finding his place easily when you open up and make room for him.
 He keeps that pressure on his cock while he exhales a trembling, almost relieved sigh. His nose brushes yours but when you tilt your head to connect your lips, he pulls back. He does it again, taunting you with almost-kisses until youâre craning your neck again.
 He doesnât kiss you back when he lets your lips connect. In fact, you can feel how he purses his stubbornly. You stay determined, unswayed by his resistance. Your soft kisses inch from his mouth to pepper cute, all over his blushing skin. The scar on his cheek, the bridge of his nose. The just barely off-center freckle beneath his bottom lip. When your palm naturally settles on his neck, fingertips over his pulse point, you let out a breathy noise of wonder when you feel how fast his heart is racing.Â
 And he feels his cock kick shamefully in his pants, letting out a breathy noise of his own. You feel it too and you coo, soft and fond, as you trail your other hand down his spine until itâs flat on the small of his back, pressing encouragingly.Â
 Pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, Jeongguk hangs his head to get closer to you. He bites gently at the pudge of your cheek, letting his teeth drag lightly until heâs mouthed hot, all the way to your ear. Â
 âWhy wonât you let me be good?â he whispers.Â
 He croons prettily against the shell of your ear before he nips teasingly at your earlobe. A heat curls in your belly, making you suck in a short, whiny breath. The insides of your thighs clamp tight around his frame.Â
 âBe good to me,â you gasp, arching up into him.
 Jeongguk moans quietly and buries his face in your neck when he canât stop his hips from stuttering into a clumsy rhythm. Sloppily rutting his cock over your panties, uncoordinated and eager.
 Maybe heâs overly sensitive, hyperaware of your body underneath him, but when you begin to roll your hips, meeting his and matching his paceâ he can feel how the little bit of added pressure has you opening up for him. Just enough for his hard-on to slide between, barely pillowed by your panty-covered pussylips. Even through the clothing, he can feel the difference. Like he knows you can.Â
 He hears the unexpected moan you let out when you feel his cock rut over your clit and he feels the way your nails dig into his back at the sudden enhanced pleasure before he shifts to rest on his forearms so he can see too.Â
 And what a pretty sight you are.Â
 Eyes hazy and heavy, half-lidded as you look down your body to where heâs making you feel good. Cheeks flushed a rosy pink with arousal and maybe a little bit of abashment when you glance up at him and see him already watching you. You give him a small, shy grin before letting your eyes flutter closed. Basking in how heâs making you feel, your mouth falling open in a silent moan. Â
 As he takes you in, his lips part with a low groan. His own pleasure coming from pleasuring you; heightened by every noise, look, and movement you make. Jeongguk gets such a specific satisfaction and gratification from making you feel good. From being good to you.
 âIs this what you want?â Jeongguk whispers, slowing down some. He settles into a steadier pace, rutting his cock up and down on your cunt with slow, lazy drags.Â
 He grins to himself because of how quick you are to nod and let him know that, yes, this is what you want. His hand comes up to smooth some of the flyaways that have sprouted from your squirming and he cups your cheek when your turn into his touch.Â
 âHmm?â he prompts, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.Â
 You huff, annoyed, and he canât help but coo, smitten.Â
 âYeahâ yes I want this, but Iâ,â you start off strong. You hold his gaze until shyness wins and has you focusing on the necklace dangling from his neck. The LV sways some as he continues to rock his hips. âI want more, too.â
 âYeah?â Jeongguk asks, a smile lacing his dreamy tone. He gives a quick, soft peck to your red-bitten lips in lieu of letting you answer. âI know you do,â he tells you, murmurs it with open-mouthed kisses against your throat. He pulls at the neck of your sweatshirt, draws a violet into your collarbone, using his lips as the pen. Then he tugs the thin skin between his teeth briefly, making you inhale harshly before he kisses it better.Â
 âGonna take care of you,â he promises, âtake my time with you.â
 Jeongguk proceeds at his own languid speed, lingering on every new inch of skin thatâs revealed as he rids you of your sweatshirt. Of your panties.Â
 He allows you your own pace as well.Â
 Doesnât spur you on when youâre slow to open up his dress shirt, doesnât goad you into nimble quickness when your fingers stumble and it takes you far longer than it should to undo all the buttons. He doesnât hurry you when your touch drags over his skin, or when your palms falter at his shoulders, or when your fingertips lag all the way down his arms when you finally slide the button-up off. When your shaky hands bide their time, hesitating at the buckle of his belt, he doesnât rush you.Â
 Jeongguk takes his time âand lets you take yoursâ as if time itself doesnât exist when itâs passing between the both of you. As if each moment that comes and each moment that goes is inconsequential because moments are meaningless and time is simply a concept when forever is right now.Â
 Nothing really matters and thereâs no need to rush when heâs in your hands and youâre in his arms and forever is in his heart. Â
 âNot yet,â he lilts, grabbing your wrists and sliding the flat of your palms up his tummy and away from his waistline.Â
 âBut Iââ
 âBut Iââ he flirts coyly.Â
 Your mouth opens to argue, but the words never get a voice. His mien makes the words in your throat fall mute and causes a feeling of wistfulness to rouse in your heart. Â
 Knelt on his knees between your legs, smiling down at you, playful and flirty. Happy. Wearing a pink full-body flushâ Jeongguk is stunning. Distractingly so.Â
 Heâs glowing; gentle yet radiant. A quiet fondness reflected in his eyes as he looks at you with that well-worn adoration of his. Itâs a familiar affection. One that youâve missed, yearned for, and memorizedâ one that youâve tried to unlearn and tried to forget, too, because of how much it ached to remember.Â
 Nostalgia is a wonted thing that taints good memories until it hurts to remember them. It warped the memory of Jeonggukâs adoration until even just a fleeting thought about it hurt. It made you want to wipe your memory clean just to be freed from the yearning.
 But with him looking at you the way he is, with that same raw adoration, you canât fathom how you wanted to forget how it made you feel. How it still makes you feel. Because how good does it feel to be adored? How good does it feel to be wanted? How good does it feel to be finally his?Â
 You dig your nails into his skin at the thought, and his tummy tenses. His grip on your wrists tightens and he lets out a soft hiss, the sound buoyed by a light, airy chuckle.
 His thumbs run over the pulse points in your wrists. âLean against the headboard for me? Get comfy?â
 Cushioned by a few pillows, you do as he says, sinking into the down. Your knees are bent, and your arms are wrapped over your middle, now hyper-aware of how exposed you are comparatively.Â
 Jeonggukâs top half is just as bare as you, only his necklace still on. But even though his lower body is covered, his bottoms are unforgiving. Dark slacks belted at his hips, the slight dip by his hipbones accentuated and his v-lines disappearing into the waistband where his cock is tucked away. Too hard and heavy to disguise, clothes doing almost nothing. Â
 Not that heâs trying to hide it much at all. Heâs palming himself casually, his touch light and his eyes dark. Tracking your movements while he waits for you to get settled.Â
 When you are, Jeongguk makes his way to you, his hands resting on your knees as he lets his gaze roam. From your eyes to your lips, to your pillowy tits, to your closed legs. You feel a light pressure, almost tentative like heâs asking for permission with his touch.
 Heâs on his best behavior though, so he asks you as well. And when you hear how his voice comes out a little deeper, with an almost imperceptible tremble, as he gently asks, âCan I?â, your lashes flutter and your thighs reflexively press together, before you let him guide them open.Â
 Time isnât real, but any time in your bed shouldnât go to waste. So he swiftly resituates himself, resting between your spread legs with his lips naturally finding their place on your neck, his hands on your skin.Â
 Jeonggukâs quick, but attentive, as he relocates his mouth. The spit from his kiss marks leave a faint, wet trail from where they start at your neck down to the swell of your tits. He sighs when he gets a hold of them, jiggling a bit and squeezing. He glances at you through his lashes, as he plays your nipples, teasing them till theyâre hardened by his touch. He smiles to himself when he sees you bring your bottom lip between your teeth to keep quiet.
 When he uses his lips to tease, he hears you sigh an airy, pleased sound. Heâs smug as he swirls his tongue, flicks lightly over the stiff little peak. You take a deep breath, your chest expanding and pushing into him, before itâs released in a stuttery exhale. When you get a hold of his hair, the strands curl around your fingers, softly, like how you hold him close and cradle him to your chest.Â
 He gives the paired nipple the same attention. Has you mewling prettily with each lick and suck. Whining with each bite and tug.Â
 As he follows the length of your body, he does so with small, suctioning bites. A little nip just below your sternum, a little nip under your ribs. One at the softest part of your lower belly, right next to the pink heart of your belly ring. He gives the jewel a tiny, baby kiss.
 âThis is the same one that you had in the first time weâŠâ he stammers, too aware of the blush that simmers just under his skin at the thought. âWe⊠you know⊠right?â
 Jeonggukâs laying on his front, his head resting against your inner thigh. His arms wrapped around your legs, resting on your belly. The tattooed fingers of his right hand absently toy with the dangly part of the jewelry.Â
 Something warms you from the inside, pleasantly surprised by the mushy, lovesick feeling that washes over you. Your heart beats, rapid in your chest, and you wonder if Jeongguk can feel the whirlwind of butterflies in your tummy under his palms.Â
 You nod, blushingly and shy. âYeah, itâs⊠yeah.â
 âJust as cute as I remember,â he nods back. The puffs under Jeonggukâs eyes form when he smiles and adds, âThis one is my favorite⊠Gonna make you feel good now, okay?â
 He says it so casually, that you want to laugh a little, but the anticipation it sparks makes you tense. Your pussy clenches on nothing, and you can feel that tell-tale heartbeat pulse between your legs.Â
 âOkay⊠yeahâŠâ you whisper dumbly, trying to hide how eager you are. You slowly open your legs a little wider so you can see him better, so he can touch you better.Â
 Jeongguk switches from having one of his hands wrapped around your thigh to it resting palm down on your mons. He uses his thumb to lightly run along your plump folds, up and down. His eyes are fixed on your pussy, and his tongue peeks out to wet his lips a little before he nibbles on the inside of his lip, a soft smile making the corners curl.Â
 âJust as cute as I remember,â he says again, his tone playful and a little wistful this time. He kisses just above your slit.
 Past lovers had said your cunt was pretty or maybe perfect when they found themselves between your legs, but Jeongguk has always called your pussy cute. Itâs just a thing he does. And you donât know why, but it never fails to make you blush, a little giddy and shyâ something just so simple and sweet about his word of choice.Â
 Even now, it has you wiggling and trying to inch your legs closed as you bring your hands up to hide your face. Itâs whiny, but you both know you donât really mean it when you say, âStooooopâ the word dragged out and laced with pleased flattery.
 You can feel Jeonggukâs warm laughter puff over your cunt as he urges you to keep your legs spread. He hums as the giggles subside and says, âDonât be shy now, Iâm just getting started.â
 A wistful sigh sounds, and itâs soft and cute and taunting when you say, âOkay well, hurry up.â
 You shift slightly here and there to get more comfortable, running a hand through your hair as you resist the urge to smile back at Jeongguk when he gives you a look. When you bring your arm down from your hair, Jeongguk snags it, guiding your hand to your cunt. But when you start to play yourself he stops you, tuttingly.
 âDonât touch, justâ open up for me,â he instructs, âShow me.â
 Jeongguk groans under his breath when you do as he says. When he stroked over your pussy lips just a moment ago, they were plush and smooth, soft to the touch with your arousal tucked neatly between your folds. But with them spread, he can see how youâre glossy with slick; so dewy when heâs barely even touched you.Â
 âYouâre already so wet. How long have you been like this, hmm?â he wonders aloud, gathering a small bit of the sticky clear at your opening with his finger before just barely pushing it inside. Kind of like heâs trying to put the little droplet back where it came from; not let it go to waste. Then he brings his touch to your clit and your pussy slick aids the up and down swipes of his thumb.Â
 âAhâ fuck,â you faintly gasp.Â
 Jeonggukâs cock pulses as you bring your other hand down, using both to spread yourself open more and pull back the hood of your clit. Making sure his touch is direct and the sensation feels as good as possible. The thought of you already being so greedy for pleasure is enough for him to leak, precum surely leaving a wet patch in his briefs.Â
 Even though heâs being gentle, when he rubs over your exposed clit, you shy away from his touch despite being so fiendish for it. Jeongguk babies you with a coo because he knows that youâre probably so sensitive. You gave yourself almost no time to warm up, afterall.Â
 âToo much?â he asks you.
 With a shake of your head, you say, âNo, no⊠justâ slowly, please.â
 Your words make him smile and he gives your inner thigh a honeyed kiss for being so good. The smile lingers because slow is the pace he always intended to use, at your request or not. Itâs how he intends to finish you too. For the first time, at least.Â
 Jeongguk keeps that slow speed until your body relaxes and another few drops of clear slick drip for your cunt. The thumb of his other hand rubs softly over your taint as he collects what you leak and tucks it back inside. Your pussy clenches and your hole puckers at the sensation every time, and it makes him fucking throb.Â
 The thumb on your clit only speeds up enough for it to not be torturous or agonizingly slow, the pace satisfying but remaining lax and unhurried, like he has all the time in the world. Once he finds a good rhythm, he keeps the motions constant and consistent.
 When you start to get antsy and fidget, he smiles to himself knowingly.Â
 âFeels good, baby?â he asks you, and when you nod, he whispers, âYeah? Look so prettyâŠâ
 And you didnât lie. It does feel good. But he doesnât go any faster. He doesnât push the fingers at your opening in any farther. And after a handful of seconds that feel like minutes that feel like hoursâ there still isnât any indication that he plans to. Â
 When you roll your hips, trying to hint at what you want, Jeongguk stops you with a scolded tsk, telling you to stay still. The sound you let out is frustrated and petulant.
 Thereâs a taunting note in Jeonggukâs voice when he says, âI thought you said it feels good?â
 âIt does,â you tell him, âButâ faster?â
 Jeonggukâs expression is entertained, chuffed even. âI told you I was gonna take my time with you. Need you to be patient for me, babyââ
 âPleaseââ
 âHush, ___.âÂ
 Thereâs still lingering amusement in his tone, but thereâs also a sharpness, a hint of disapproval and something stern that wasnât there before. Itâs enough of a warning to silence the begging on the tip of your tongue.Â
 âIâll get you there, baby,â he says, his voice sweet again. âItâll feel so good, I promise.â
 Itâs quiet for a moment. Thenâ
 âI changed my mind, it doesnât feel good.â
 Jeongguk doesnât even look up from your pussy when he asks a preoccupied, âNo?â Then he peeks at you, and when you give a pouty nod he hums. Itâs smiling and mirthful when he dismisses you. âWell, donât worry. It will soon.â
 Jeongguk is content between your thighs, still playing with your clit slowly. He only checks on you when your squirming mostly stops and you become suspiciously mute.Â
 He snorts when he sees you scowling at him. âDonât look at me like that.â After a few seconds with no response, he continues with, âOh, so youâre going to be difficult now?â
 You shrug, snooty.Â
 Laughing, he asks, âYouâre really gonna act like it doesnât feel good?â The corners of his lips curl softly and his eyes narrow like heâs scrutinizing you. His head tilts a little when he continues with, âLike youâre not leaking, right now? Like you wouldnât be making a mess on your sheets if I wasnât helping you?â
 Jeongguk watches your cheeks steadily turn a deep pink at his words until you look away from him, turning your nose in the air. You probably would have covered your face with your hands to avoid his gaze had they not been occupied.
 He chuckles again when heâs only met more silence. Just the slightest squirm when he tucks another leaked droplet back into your cunt. To make a point.
 âThatâs okay, you can be mad at me as long as youâre patient, too,â he says, tone grossly fond and a perfect example of the patience he wants from you. âStill gonna make you cum. Still gonna be good to you and give you what you want.â
 And it seems what people say about patience being a virtue and all that, is true. Because just like Jeongguk said, with just a bit more time and some decorum, it does start to feel even better.  Â
 Like the way heâs been touching you, the come-up is slow and steady. The hot waves of pleasure that ebb in your lower belly. The rise and fall of your chest that gradually gets faster. The noises that get harder and harder to keep in.Â
 Jeongguk doesnât need to hear you, though, to know heâs getting you there. But heâs enjoying this brattier side of you âhe remembers you being difficult every now and then, but overall you were always so good for him; never fought him too hard on thingsâ so he humors you by asking, âStarting to feel nice, baby?â
 Everso tart, you shrug again, looking off to the side.Â
 Still, Jeongguk doesnât need to see your face to know heâs getting you there. Your pussy is a whistleblower, telling him everything he needs to know. Your cuntâ leaking non-stop, contracting constantly. Your tiny clitâ now puffy and swollen from all his attention.Â
 Your fingers holding your pussy lips apart for him have a mild tremor. Your brows are arched when you finally give him your attention again, watching his thumb swipe up and down, over and over again. Your legs are beginning to tremble beside him. Your head is lulling back, and your lungs are exhaling a lewd sigh.Â
 âIâ Iâm close,â you whisper, breathlessly.
 Jeongguk purrs, is just about to tease you and your stubbornness with something along the line of âReally? Thought it didnât feel good, ___â. But he doesnât get the chance because of how close the string in you is to snapping. How itâs pulled so taut that it has you near tears, that slow and steady come-up finally peaking.
 âOh my god, Ggukâ myâ my pussyâs gonna cum,â you cry quietly, legs shaking as you struggle to keep them open.
 âMhm, I told you, baby,â he hums, smug, âLet me see how good it feels.â
 Your face is turned into your shoulder, but you nod for him. Focusing on the ruining, slow, consistent rubbing of his thumb. The pleasure is so mind-numbingly good that, as much as you want to cum, you try to make it last as long as possible.Â
 Which isnât much longer at all, only a few more vertical swipes over your clit is all you can handle before youâre mewing a soft warning and cumming so hard your body convulses.
 âThatâs my girl. So pretty, baby. Did so good; always such a good girl for me,â Jeongguk praises, full of lust-filled awe as he watches you finish. He feels your clit pulsing under his thumb and he sees your cunt squeezing repeatedly around nothing and now he that heâs not preventing it, he sees how your pussy cumsâ leaking everything that he tucked away and dripping down to your sheets. Making a mess like he knew it would.
 He continues to rub your clit until your body twitches, curling in on yourself as you close your legs and bring them to your chest. Wrapping your arms around the backs of your knees and pulling your legs to your chest, you curl into yourself for protection as Jeongguk moves to shed himself of the rest of his clothes. Then he sits on his heels while he watches you, amused.Â
 Even though youâve made a great attempt at hiding your pussy away, with the way youâre positioned it still peeks out from between your thighs. Puffy and shiny.Â
 Youâre on your back with your eyes closed, still catching your breath. The feel of Jeonggukâs hands on you makes you jump, and when his touch moves form the backs of your thighs closer to your sensitive cunt, you whine, kicking at his arms weakly.
 âShh,â he murmurs, âI wonât touch, I just want to look.â
 Somewhat soothed by his words, you begin to shift to a more relaxed position but Jeongguk pushes your legs back together and your knees back to your chest.Â
 You gripe at being manhandled. âWhat if I want to see, too?âÂ
 âYou donât need to see if I tell you what I see,â Jeongguk reasons.
 âItâs mine,â you argue.
 âOurs,â he corrects.
 After telling Jeongguk that heâs dumb and asking him to please shut up, both of you dissolve into a fit of laughter. When you kick again, trying to get his shoulder as punishment, he gets a grip on your leg before you can land the hit and he kisses your ankle. You sigh.
 Itâs quiet, and youâre content letting Jeongguk pet at you, listening as he tells you about what he sees. He says cute a few times. Wet, messy. His fingers brush over your folds, even plumper than before, and you can feel the sticky wetness that stays behind when he moves his touch to somewhere else.
 When he uses his thumbs to part your pussy lips, you hear him whine. The breathy noise makes you grin, and you hum lightly.Â
 âStill cute?â you ask aloud. Eyes on the ceiling, smile still on your lips.
 Jeongguk knows he said he wouldnât touch, but he doesnât think youâre too sensitive anymore. He still bypasses your clit just in case when he slowly runs his fingertip to your opening. When he presses into the second knuckle, you moan sweetly and the sound mixes with the audible wetness. Thereâs a crystalline string still attached to his finger when he pulls away.Â
 âMhmm,â Jeongguk hums, answering your question. âBut so messy.â
 You bite your lip when Jeongguk slips his finger in again, a little father this time.Â
 âClean me up, then,â you whisper, airy and wispy.Â
 Jeongguk hums and when you look to the sound, you can see him peeking at you over your bent knees that are still pulled to your chest. He scrunches his nose at you cutely, and you mirror the curve of his lips.
 âI guess I should, since Iâm the one who made you make such a mess,â he hums, like heâs mulling it over. But the fact that he does so while lowering his face to your cunt shows that heâs already made his decision.Â
 In this position, you canât see him and it makes you tense in anticipation while you wait.
 Jeongguk knows itâs a little mean to keep you waiting, but he can see you so perfectly like this. Can see how youâre trying control your arousal and calm yourself down with deep breaths. He can see how itâs not working.
 âYouâre shaking,â he observes dreamily.Â
 Your pussy leaks and he watches that glossy slick drip down. He uses his pointer finger to play with the droplet at your hole, swirling the dewiness around the cinched muscle.
 The sigh you let out is stuttered, and your hole clenches under his touch before you force yourself to relax again. You swallow your embarrassment before you admit, âI want it really bad, Gguk.â
 You sound like youâre close to crying and Jeongguk soothes you with wet kisses on your thighs.Â
 âAll you have to do is ask, baby,â Jeongguk tells you gently. His kisses move till theyâre right next to your pussy, his tongue poking out to lick just outside your folds. His thumbs pull you open and he blows lightly.
 âOh my god,â you whimper.Â
 Jeonggukâs voice is full of flirty, mirth when he asks, âWhat do you say? Hmm?â
 The heartbeat in your cunt is the only thing you can focus on. The pulsing is so loud and strong that it drowns everything else out. You donât even really hear it when you sigh a hazy, âPlease, sir.âÂ
 Predictably, your words go straight to his cock. But weirdly enough, he also feels them in his heart? He canât explain it but somehow the lust thrumming through him melts into something fond? A lovesick impulse has him opening your legs so he can slot himself in between.
 He doesnât lay on you but holds himself above on a braced arm. His free hand comes up to cup your cheek as he looks at you. The corners of your eyes are damp, confirming the tears he thought he had heard in your voice earlier. Your lips are redder and a bit swelled, probably from you pulling them between your teeth. Â
 Jeongguk kisses the corner of one eye, then the other, and then your lips. His thumb glides over your cheekbone. He sounds gentle when he says, âNo âsirâ today, okay? Just Gguk.â
 You nod in his hold.Â
 âGood girl,â he smiles, soft and sweet. âIâll clean you up now, wonât tease you anymore.â
 You breathe a relieved sigh as Jeongguk kisses all the way down your tummy and you think about how good itâs going to feel, after all this time, to have his mouth all over your cunt. To feel his tongue licking into you, deep and slow. To feel his lips wrapping around your clit with light sucks.Â
 The closer Jeongguk gets to your pussy, the harder it is to keep still. He smiles as you squirm and you can feel it in the juncture of your inner thigh where his mouth has strayed. Itâs not too long before he gets back on track, kissing his way to your pussy till his lips are tucked between your plush folds and the tip of his tongue is circling your clit.Â
 Your mouth drops open in a silent moan as you sit up, resting on your elbows to watch him. Just the sight of him is enough to make the first surge of heat curl in your belly. Heâs got his eyes closed, lashes sitting pretty on the highs of his cheek as he licks at you. Cleaning you up and making a mess of you all at once.Â
 âYou look so pretty,â you whisper as you card a hand through his hair, pushing the stands off his forehead and out of his face.
 Without stopping his tongue, Jeongguk glances up at you, his eyes half-lidded and hazy. He moans pleased and happy into your pussy. Only pulls away for a second to whisper a cute âthank youâ.
 His tongue is busy and so are his hands, running them up your body. When he gets to your tits, heâs harsh. Digging in and squeezing with palms that are just as greedy as his mouth. He uses the hold he has on them to pull himself closer, push his tongue deeper. The harshness of his touch makes you hiss, the hand you have in his hair tugging.Â
 Jeonggukâs eyes roll back a little before he loosens grip, squeezing your tits once more, gently this time, as an apology. Then heâs smoothing his palms along your waist till oneâs wrapped around your thigh and the otherâs resting on your tummy. Â
 He pulls away briefly to look at you, offering a sheepish grin before he pecks just above your slit. The hand he has on your belly absently fiddles with your bellyring.
 âSorry,â he says, âI justâ I donât know, I didnât notice how rough I was being.â
 You hum while you rest your feet on his back and wiggle your toes.Â
 âI think Iâve just been wanting you for so longâŠâ He turns his head and nuzzles into your leg by his head, his hair tickling the sensitive skin. âAnd now that I have you, Iââ His lips graze your inner thigh with every word and when heâs at the softest part, he bites gently.Â
 On a sigh, you ask, âYou what?â
 Resting where his teeth just were, he tilts his head, looking up at you. âItâs hard for me to control myself. I justâ canât get enough of you.â His words are said with a sigh and uttered in between roaming wet kisses.Â
 After he promises heâll be more careful with you, he begins to lick broad stripes over your cunt. When you spread your legs wider, you can feel the flat of his tongue against your clit. But itâs just slightly, just a brush of his tongue.Â
 âMy clit,â you moan, looking down your nose at him, âPlay with my clit.â
  He hums, pulling back a little. With your legs parted so wide, your pussy lips are spread just enough for him to see the little bud. He watches you as he uses the very tip of his tongue, flicking repeatedly over the sensitive spot just under your hood.
 Your brows pinch and your legs twitch as they naturally try to inch close, the feel of Jeonggukâs tongue so good and so much that your body is already on the verge of being overwhelmed.Â
 âAhâ yeah, like that, Gguk,â you sigh letting your head roll back, basking in how good heâs making you feel, âKeep licking my pussy like that.â
 Your eyes lull shut while you let him make you feel good, and itâs then that you notice his hand on your tummy is still toying with your piercing. Itâs distracting only for a moment, only before you realize that every time he does something to your clit with his tongue, he does the same to the dangly part of the jewelry with his fingers.
 When Jeongguk circles your clit, he twirls the charm. When he licks up and down over your clit, the little heart gets flicked too. When he suctions his lips and sucks your clit in and out of his mouth, he tugs gently on your belly ring.
 You canât be sure if heâs doing it on purpose. One part of you thinking the patterns match up too well for it to be unconscious, the other part thinking it could just be an absentminded coincidence. You also canât be sure why the nuanced touches are making the pleasure in your gut curl so tight; burn so hot.
 âGgukâ youâre gonna make me cum againâŠâ you drone, lustdrunk.Â
 He smiles while his tongue continues to lick lightly. âAm I?â
 While looking down your body at him, you nod. Your body already pulling taut with the tension that always preludes your orgasms.
 Jeonggukâs lips wrap around your clit and he gives a quick sucking kiss before he pulls away with a little pop! sound. âNot yet, Iâm not done cleaning you up.â
 Groaning, you throw your head back. âYou said you werenât gonna tease anymore.â
 âI did,â he confirms, his big palms finding the backs of your thighs and pushing them back, âBut not so you could cumâ so I could clean up your messââ
 âYour messââ
 âOur mess,â he amends, the tips of his fingers straying to the newly exposed parts of you. Jeongguk brushes over your hole, and you suck in a small gasp. âYouâre messy here too, baby.â
 Whining softly, you squirm as Jeongguk presses light, sucking kisses into your skin and thereâs a subconscious urge to close your legs to keep him from getting where he so clearly intends. At the first signs of subtle hesitance, you feel his hands hold your legs open more firmly
 âLet me?â he breathes, âPlease?â
 And something about how his voice is so soft âhazy and dreamy and full of so much lust and desireâ has you relaxing, giving in. Docile and pliant in his hands.Â
 You suppose some things may never change.
 The first feel of his tongue tasting you where no one has before makes you exhale a shaky sigh. Your hole puckering under the featherlight licks he gives. When he circles the cinched muscle, your mouth falls open and you look down your body and between your open legs to where Jeongguk already has his eyes on you.Â
 His eyes get little puffs under them when he sees your reaction and smiles. The confusedly pleasured pinch of your brows. The tense way your hands grip the sheets under you.
 Giving your cheek a quick peck, he asks, âFeels good, doesnât it?â
 It makes the memory of him âhot and hard and leaking with your tongue on his holeâ flash in your mind. It reminds you that he knows what heâs doing to you, that he knows heâs making you feel good because you made him feel the same way. Sure the anatomyâs different, but a tongue is a tongue and a hole is a hole.Â
 In lieu of being difficult, you answer him with a moan; with your head hitting your pillows again.
 Thatâs confirmation enough for Jeongguk as he echoes your moan with his own. He wraps his lips around the tight muscle in a nasty wet kiss and then drags his tongue up and along your leaking center till heâs at your clit where he plays until he works you into a whiny mess.
 Youâre tensing, and he can feel how your body shifts as your chest expands with the deep breaths youâre taking. Like youâre trying to focus and keep yourself earthbound by delaying the impending high.Â
 Itâs a high thatâs inevitable though, and you have a warning on the tip of your tongue only for it to go to waste when Jeongguk makes his way down again as soon as he senses it.
 And he repeats thisâ alternating between rimming you tauntingly and eating you till he can tell youâre right on the edge. You can feel how he smirks and youâre sure itâs amusement that you can hear prettying up little noises he purrs. His continuous teasing has you letting out barely contained whiny keens.Â
 But Jeongguk can tell youâre doing your best to behave. The brattish way about you from before is nowhere to be seen. Not even when he feels your body slump for the nth time, panting from another almost-orgasm he takes away.  Â
 âYouâre gonna cum arenât you?â Jeongguk wonders aloud, pulling back a little to see how your pussy clenches in anticipation.
 He hears you swallow, flicks his eyes up to watch as you bring a hand up to tug a little at your hair. It trembles a little as you bring it down to his locks.
 âI- yeah⊠just⊠pleaseâŠâ You tug, pulling him to your clit by the crown of his head and holding him there with both hands. âJust stay there, pleaseâŠâ
 You canât help the way that you start to roll and grind against his face. Jeonggukâs lips and his tongue rubbing against you repeatedly with the up and down motion of your hips, and his nose bumping your clit a little every now and again.Â
 His hands dig into your waist like heâs trying to pull you closer, suffocate himself with your cunt. Itâs when he shakes his head with subtle little side to side motions over your clit that your pleasure peaks with your legs shaking before theyâre closing around his head.
 You cum hard and quietly, hushed âdonât stopâs and âkeep goingâs tumbling from your lips as you hold his mouth against you until you canât take it anymore. You use one hand to pull him away by the hair, your other coming down to press against your still pulsing pussy.Â
 With the hold you still have in his hair, you deliriously guide and maneuver him upwards. Youâre still trying to catch your breath, so the quiet awed, âWhoaâŠâ you voice sounds airy
 The position youâve got Jeongguk in now has him straddling you across your upper torso with strong thighs caging you in. His cock bobbing a little right in your face. Heavy and flushed, the tip an angry shade of pink and shiny with precum. Itâs instinctive when you reach out with your small hand to wrap around the base. And again, something awe-filled tumbles from your mouth.
 âYouâre so hardâŠâÂ
 The words float past your lips in the form of a breathless whisper, your lashes fluttering as your gaze jumps from his cock to his face. Your hand strokes lightly, just your fingertips running over the warm, silky skin.Â
 âMissed you,â Jeongguk says with a tiny, unabashed shrug. As if thatâs explanation enough for the state heâs in.
 He smiles with his bottom lip tugged between his teeth and you smile back.
 The pad of your thumb rubs at the underside of the crown when a drop of precum leaks, massaging it in messily. âCan I use my mouth?â
 âMhmm,â Jeongguk sounds, not trusting his voice enough to not shake.
 You begin by placing weighted kisses along his length, starting at the base till your lips pucker around the slit. The heady taste of precum makes you purr, moaning softly. Jeonggukâs hips cant forward, and when you glance up you can see how his head has rolled back.
 Smiling at how affected he already is by the smallest things, you run your teeth over the sensitive head. You anticipate the hiss that Jeongguk sucks in. Your tongue swirls around to soothe and to taste before your mouth opens to swallow.Â
 The tip of his cock barely grazes the back of your throat before Jeongguke is pulling his hips back and choking just slightly on the whiny gasp that gets caught in his throat. He threads a hand in your hair and tugs you off.Â
 Your forehead is resting against his lower tummy, and you giggle a little before you kiss at the slight jutting of his hipbone. His cock throbs, and he groans.
 âWhatâs wrong?â you ask, smiling into him.
 You can feel his fingers massage lightly at your scalp, and when you glance up at him, heâs looking down at you, lovesick as he rolls his eyes at your playfully.Â
 âGo slow, okay?â he asks softly, âTease me a little?â
 Closing your eyes briefly as you let the sound of his moonstruck voice wash over you, you kiss sweetly at his hip once more before giving small kitten licks to the warm, flushed skin of his cock. He sighs like heâs in love.
 âLike this?â you ask, coquettishly.Â
 Jeongguk nods when you look up at him with your mouth open and the tip of your tongue flicking lightly.
 âLick the tip,â he whispers while he gets a hold of himself and guides it to your mouth.Â
 You keep your eyes on him as you slowly drag the flat of your tongue with long licks.
 âGood⊠thatâs good babyâŠâ he says airily.
 Jeongguk glances down his nose at you for just a moment longer before his head is rolling back, and heâs moaning. His little sounds are quiet, but theyâre almost constant. And youâre really not doing much, just licking softly at his frenulum, but you can already feel how his cock is getting stiffer, can see how the muscles in his tummy tense and untense⊠like heâs already getting close.
 Kissing the crown, you pull away, stroking over him lazily. Squeezing at the base when he kicks in your palm. âAlready?â you ask gently.
 Jeonggukâs eyes are squeezed shut, like heâs trying to keep his composure, but at your choice of words, he laughs lightly. âYes, already,â he tells you, pointedly. âThatâs why I said to go slow.â
 Slow is good for you. Slow lets you take it all in. Take all of him in.Â
 Slow lets you tease drop after drop of precum out; lets you coax your name from Jeonggukâs lip over and over again until youâre sure youâll hear his lovechants in your dreams tonight. Slow lets you memorize the way that his hands twitch wherever they touch you, how he gasps when your tongue does something that feels extra nice, how he whines when you bring your free hand up and roll his balls in your palm.Â
 Heâs a bit predictable, endearingly so with the blush on his cheeks as he urges the hand toying with his balls a little farther back. You smile to yourself as you touch him, rubbing at his taint and taking a moment to just watch his face.Â
 Jeonggukâs eyes are shut, mouth just barely parted. His brows pinch just slightly when you inch your touch farther back and the cinched muscle clenches briefly under your fingertips, before he relaxes. Itâs light and hazy when he whispers, âYeah, babyâŠâ
 The light circles youâre tracing around Jeonggukâs hole have his cock throbbing. You have to wrap your lips around the head to keep him still enough to taste and properly tease, sucking with tiny bobs of your head as you drink down everything he leaks.Â
 âIâ ___, oh my godââ Jeongguk pants, looking down at you, like he canât believe you or your mouth, canât believe how good it feels to have you again.Â
 You hum, lips still wrapped around the tip of his cock as you smile up at him as best you can. His chest expands with a sharp inhale when you press your fingers a littler firmer against his hole.
 âWant me to put them in?â you ask between the soft open-mouthed kisses you press to his cock.
 The sound that Jeongguk lets out makes your kisses cease and has you sinking your teeth into your bottom lip. Your thighs rub together, and your pussy is needy between them. Â
 Jeonggukâs never done it before, at least not fully and with someone else. But the thought alone is almost enough to make him finish. It would be a first for you and him, together. Something heâs been wanting, craving.
 Heâs still trying to get his thoughts in order when you prompt him with a patient, âHmm?â.Â
 âI- No, noââ he ends up saying, âJustâ just play with me.â
 Itâs sighed, laced with lust and contentment. Having you right now, just playing as he said, is more than enough for him. The anticipation does feel nice though, hot and sweet like a whispered promise of next time. Jeongguk wonders if youâll ruin him.Â
 âYou just want me to play?â you ask, âYou donât want to cum?â
 And Jeonggukâs sure you will. Ruin him, that is. If you havenât already.
 Your voice comes out lovily teasing, and your hands stay busy while you look up at him, eyes big and so pretty. Lips glossy with spit, maybe a little bit of his precum.Â
 âNotâ not yet?âÂ
 Jeonggukâs voice sounds unsure in your ears, and his actions contradict his words when you bring your lips to his leaking tip. His hips roll forward seemingly on their own accord, the most sensitive part of his cock rubbing against your tongue that youâve pillowed underneath the crown.Â
 A choked little whine falls from his open mouth before his head is lulling back and his hands are coming to your hair. Humming, you suction your lips around the head and bring the hand you donât have busy to his hips, urging him to keep rocking his hips, slow so you can keep the pressure from your tongue constant.Â
 âOh my godâ baby⊠babyââ Jeongguk moans, his gaze back on you. His brows furrowed and arched up, his mouth agape.Â
 Under your touch, you can feel his muscles tense. How his breaths come out huffed and strained. How he sometimes tries to pull his hips away before he pushes them in like he rethought it, maybe like he never meant to. How no matter how hard he tries to keep from doing it, the stalling pace of his hips picks up.
 And you can tell heâs going to cum.Â
 He keeps muttering these fucked out little whispers of your name, of baby, of my baby. Almost like theyâre warnings, maybe pleas. But not pleas for you to stop, or tease him anymore. You can hear the difference, can feel it in the way he touches you. Can taste it on your tongue with every heavy drop of precum that heâs leaking. Â
 Itâs like a string snaps in him, when he groans something deep and dissonant and his hips stop all together and his hold in your hair turns almost painful as he uses his grip to work your mouth over his cock.
 âYeah,â he breathes, âDonât fucking stop⊠Gonna make me fucking cumââ
 His cock is throbbing in your mouth before he even finishes his sentence. Coating your tongue in so many thick, hot shots of white. You hum, moving your fingers from massaging his taint so that you can roll his balls in your palm.Â
 Jeonggukâs hand is shaking a little when he brings it down to cup your face, when he gently pulls you off him. His cock still fat and bobbing with the aftershocks of his orgasm. He guides your gaze to his.
 Heâs bracing himself above you with his forearm against your headboard, looking down at you a little sweaty and so flushed. Chest rising and falling with deep breaths. Heâs got a little smile on his face when he runs the pad of his thumb over the plump of your bottom lip. Your mouth opens instinctively. The little smile on his lips grows before heâs biting it down.
 His thumb presses down on the fleshy muscle, and you naturally let your lips wrap around it.
 âGood girl,â he says, softly.
 His words are tangible, and you close your eyes and you smile as you just let the praise glide over your body. Itâs almost like you can feel each letter press a kiss into your skin.Â
 Jeonggukâs a copycat as he too presses kisses here and there while he resituates himself. Going from straddling your ribcage to finding his home between your legs. Until you manuver him once more. Heâs still home, between your legs, but on his back with you straddling him now.
 Jeongguk doesnât complain at the manhandling. Just looks up at you, rubs little nonsensical patterns just above the creases of your thighs.Â
 âCan we do it now?â
 His laugh is bright and loud at first before he gets a hold of himself, but heâs still smiling as he lets his shining eyes and his hands wander. His fingertips trialing over your skin until his gets his hands to your tits. His thumbs flick over your nipples while he hums, amused.Â
 âNow you have to wait for me to be ready again,â he tells you conversationally, still teasing you.
 You pout playfully, letting your own fingers explore, tracing the line of ink where his sleeve comes to an end on his shoulder. âSo boring, Gguk,â you jest.
 He scrunches his nose at you. âWhy do you think I told you, ânot yetâ?â
 Rolling your eyes, you reposition yourself; less over his torso and more over his hips. âWell,â you start, lowering your pussy down to where his cock lays flat on his tummy, âWaiting doesnât have to be boring.â You drag your cunt over his still plump, but not-quite hard cock.Â
 One of his hands quickly jerks down to get a hold of your hips and stop your movements. He hisses..Â
 He says something about how he never said it had to be boring as you reach between your bodies and get a hold of his half-hard cock. Goes on about how he literally just came and how he needs a second to recuperate as you bring the head to your wet opening.Â
 âCan I?â you ask vaguely, interrupting him.
 He doesnât say anything more, just gives you the littlest nod and he squeezes his eyes shut while you squeeze him into you. Heâs not there yet, but heâs still sensitive and its still a tight fit.
 Jeongguk looks down his chest to where youâre sitting prettily on his slowly hardening cock. His eyes roll back slightly before heâs scrubbing one of his hands over his face. âYouâreââ
 âDid you watch our video?â you interrupt again.Â
 Stuttering a little bit, and winching some, Jeongguk uses the couple of seconds it takes for you to bring yourself down to him, to think.Â
 âNo, felt guilty⊠tried to hold out completely but ended up giving in and thinking about youâŠâ he says, his hands finding their place at your hips..Â
 His answer isnât what you expected but it still has you smiling softly, chest to chest, resting on your elbows, and playing with his hair. âAnd what did you think about?â you muse, words breathy and flirty.
 Jeonggukâs eyes instinctively dart to your curved lips. âYour mouth.â
 You scrunch your nose at him cutely as you ask, âOn your cock?âÂ
 He gasps when you grind your hips just a little, the movement stiffening his cock up that much more. Jeongguk can feel his cheeks heat up as he shakes his head, the hands he has on your hips moving to your thighs and then back up, squeezing and making little chills crawl across your skin. Â
 âOn my lipsâŠâ he admits quietly, licking them. âMissed kissing you.â
 With a heart that grows fond in your chest, you lean down and give what he missed. Jeongguk sighs into your mouth, melts underneath you. He cranes his neck and the kiss deepens, his tongue slipping in between your lips. Itâs not until you having him moaning softly into your mouth that you disconnect from him and make your way to his ear.Â
 âThought about you too,â you tell him, âtouched myself to the thought of you missing me; wrapping your hand around your cock with me on your mind.â
 Jeonggukâs fingertips dig into the fatty part of your ass, latches his lips onto the junctre between your neck and your shoulder. He sinks his teeth in just a touch to quiet his moan.Â
 The whiny moise that you let out precedes the, âI fanatasized about the way you would fuck me when you came back to meââ
 âI wanted to, but I just felt so badââ
 âShh,â you hush him, âDoesnât matter nowâŠâ
 You finally make to move your hips for real this time, but lifting them has you letting out a tiny hiss of pain thatâs followed by a cute, airy laugh. âAlmost forgot how big you are.â
 Jeonggukâs heart was just tugging inside his chest but now his cock is throbbing inside of you. Even as he wonders if thereâs been anyone since him.Â
 But once you get over that first hint of pain, past the initial sting of him stretching and filling you up, the only wonder is how Jeongguk survived without you for so long.Â
 The light from your blinds peaks through your hair; wild and messy and draping over your shoulder. The long strands almost act as a curtain, hiding you and Jeongguk away. Spots of sunshine come through here and there, and they hit different parts of your body as your body becomes his body. On the tip of your nose, over the curve of your breast, the tops of your thighs.Â
 And Jeonggukâs knows he is so fucking lucky. Not because he gets to have you like this âwarmed by his touched and sunlightâ but because he gets to have it again. Because he gets another chance at having you at all, after fucking it up once already.
 âGguk,â you pant, âI feel so good right now.âÂ
 Youâve gone from bouncing on his cock, to griding on it, feeling his tip rub against the deepest parts of you. Your palms are flat on his lower tummy, and when he grabs your hips, helping you move back and forth on him, your nails dig into the muscle.Â
 It makes him moan, quiet like the little sounds that you canât stop making.Â
 Jeongguk knows he was basically on the verge of tears just a second ago, but he is still a man and he canât stop himself from asking, âWhoâs making you feel so good baby?â
 He can tell how fucked out and how close you are because of how easily you answer him. How being stubborn and bratty doesnât even seem to cross your mind when you moan, âYou, itâs always you.âÂ
 Pulling you to his chest and fucking up into your cunt is much sweeter than it probably seems. He does so to be close to you, to feel your chest against his, to feel how your body shakes as you get closer, to feel how you bury your face into his neck to try and muffle your moans and cries.
 âYeahââ you sob into his skin, âyouâre gonna make me cumâ pleaseâ please, can I cum?â
 Your words come out staccato and irregular, punched out one by one by his cock as he fucks you faster. But Jeongguk doenât say anything yet, just focuses on the slick sounds your pussy is making everytime he bottoms out, on the feeling of his cock sliding in and out of the slick, velvety heat, on how his fingers sink into your ass as he squeezes and tugs and pulls your cheeks apart to bury himself as deep as he can when he cums with you.Â
 âFuck, baby cum for me,â Jeongguk pants, his words a little rushed as he feels it all come to a head, âCum all over my fucking cock while I cum in your pussy.â
 You donât say anything when you cum, and neither does Jeongguk. Both cumming with nothing but gasps. Yourâs sounding sweet, almost awed, as you just let your cunt squeeze and contract around Jeonggukâs cock, almost like you forgot you could cum that hard. Jeonggukâs are more guttural as his cock throbs, pulsing with each shot of cum he pumps into your pussy.
 ~~~
 âYour roommates are actually terrifying.â
 The voice makes you smile, laughing sleepily, eyes closed for just a moment longer before you turn your head to see a dishevelleddly dressed Jeongguk, holding a single glass of water in his hand.Â
 He shrugs off his blazer that heâs wearing over his briefs (youâve helped yourself to his button up), and sits next to where youâre laying down. He nudges you his foot till you sit up and take the water from him.
  Itâs a content type of quiet while you both pass the glass back and forth, sharing. It only last for a minute or two before Jeongguk is clearing your throat.
 âSo⊠what happened to your plant, hmm?â
 He must have seen the pitiful looking succulent in your living room when he went to get the water. And you know heâs just messing around and that he only said it to strike conversation and fill the silence, but still, it makes something ugly stir in your gut.Â
 âYou didnât remind me,â you say, trying to literally shrug it off and give the topic a quick stop.
 But Jeongguk is giggling as he says back, âOh, so itâs my fault?â
 âEverything is your fault.â
 Itâs snappy and said with enough bitterness that Jeongguk is physically taken aback. But then he thinks and then he softens.
 âHey,â he says gently.
 You look at him, eyes swirling with a mixture of anger and hurt.Â
 Jeongguk brushes a little bit of your hair out of your face as he looks you over. âI know,â he acknowledges quietly. âI canât tell you how sorry I am, but I hope with some time, youâll be able to see it.â
 You frown a little before giving him a sad small smile and you bring your hand up to cup his cheek. He turns into the touch and gives your palm a soft kiss.
 âI know youâre sorry,â you tell him, âI know you are and I forgive you âmy head knows that butâ my heart is still sad.â
 Something about how you say it reminds Jeongguk of how young you are. But not in the way it did before. Not like your youth is a burden, or a red flag. It just reminds him that he needs to be careful with you.Â
 âI know, and thatâs okay⊠I know itâs going to take time,â Jeongguk gives you a sad, yet understanding shrug.
 And for once, itâs a good thing that time does what time is meant to. It passes and it allows things to grow; for things to heal.Â
 âSpeaking of time,â you say, lightheartedly trying to change the subject, âHow long do I have you?â
 âAs long as you want me.â
 Jeonggukâs reply is met with the most underwhelmed, flat stare you have every given him. He snorts before he says, âTill tomorrow afternoonâ I have to pick up Nari.â
 His heart feels like itâs going to explode in his chest when he sees how your eyes light up at the mention of his daughter, at how you jabber on with questions about her. How has she been?, Is she talking yet?, Does she still have that narwhal?
 Thereâs a chance that he might regret it, but thereâs also a chance that he might not.Â
 So he asks, âDo you want to come with me?âÂ
 ~~~Â
 However long Jeongguk said it takes to get to his ex-wifeâs house, all those months ago, escapes you.
 But right now, it feels like 10 years and 10 minutes all at once.Â
 Itâs dramatic, yes, how terribly youâve been fidgeting in the passenger seat of the Mercedes. Even Jeonggukâs big, warm hand petting at your knee canât quell the nerves.
 Itâs making the atmosphere tense, and you feel bad when Jeongguk sounds like heâs walking on eggshells when he tells you, âThank you for coming with me, Iâm really happy you did.â
 You feel even worse when you respond with, âI donât think I want to go to the door with you.â
 The ever-soothing hand on your leg stutters for barely a second before continuing just as it was.
 âThatâs totally fine,â he assures you, eyes on the road and one hand on the steering wheel. âYou donât have to, but if you change your mind, you can. It is your choice.â
 The hand squeezes your thigh reassuringly.Â
 And itâs quiet for the rest of the drive. Until Jeongguk is pulling into an empty spot in the driveway of a very big, very nice house. Right next to a Porsche.Â
 âOf fucking course.â
 â___.â
 âNo, youâre right,â you say, raising your hands appeasingly, âYouâre right, I shouldnât even be surprisedââ
 Jeongguk interrupts you with his hands on your cheeks and his lips on your.Â
 âShut.â He gives you one kiss. âUp.â He gives you two kiss.
 His affection makes the tension in your body dissipate and your shoulders slump. âIâm sorry.â
 With his thumbs rubbing over the apples of your cheeks, he gives you a small, understanding, patient smile. Then he asks if youâre sure about not coming to the door with him because he is stupid.Â
 You tell him as much as you reiterate how you do not want to go to the door and this time, Jeongguk is the one raising his hands in surrender as he exits the car.
 Leaving you alone with your thoughts.
 Should you get out of the car? Wait inside? Should you have brought Nari a gift? Will she remember you? What if she doesnât?
 When you hear a distant, familiar baby-giggle, you end up opening the door and standing between Jeonggukâs car and Dasomâs. You feel a little dumb until you hear the pitter patter of little feet on the brick driveway.Â
 âI have a surprise for you Nana,â you hear Jeongguk sing cutely.
 And you hear Nari gasp excitedly in response, even cuter.
 As the pair get closer, you can see Jeonggukâs top half over the car, how his arm is swinging back and forth because of the tiny hand thatâs holding his where you canât see.
 Nari is dressed in a black jumper dress with a long-sleeved heart-patterned shirt on underneath when she pops out from behind the car and next to her dad. Kept warm from the slight chill in the air by her knitted tights and her teeny-tiny ugg boots. Sheâs still round, but sheâs gotten taller and you coo softly to yourself.
 But Nari hears the little noise you make and when she sees you, she stops in her tracks. Her little bobble head looking between you and Jeongguk. Then sheâs tugging on her dadâs pinky that sheâs got a hold of.
 â___!â she says as she nods towards you, like sheâs letting Jeongguk know that youâre right there. She sounds sure, almost a little bossy. Doesnât stutter even a second to remember you. Kind of like she never forgot you.Â
 âAhâ whatâs with the nodding missy?â Jeongguk tuts, then he looks at you and shakes his head exasperated yet amused.Â
 Nari has the nerve to giggle, a big girl no longer brought to tears by her daddyâs scoldings. She looks up at him grinning before she shrugs, like she doesnât know what got into her. As she raises her little shoulders, her free hand comes up too for emphasis. And gripped tightly in her little hand is her stuffed narwhal.Â
 Youâre happy.
~~~~~~~~~
aaaaand SCENE. omg heyyyy long time no see girlfriends <3 i hope that u think this was worth the wait but am debilitatingly scared that it did not meet ur expectations so i am hiding <3 im sorry for how long it took but it is here now n that is all my tiny hands have to offer!! Â i would love to know what u thought, so please do al the things: reblog, like, comment, send an ask~~ thank u for waiting for me and for reading ily muah :*
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