#Tw: questioning reality

[battlemageserioth]

Werill's Serenade

Episode 2:

"Show me the City of Towers!"

The booming voice of the battlemage echoed in the hall, as the mist before him started swirling, taking new colours and shape... Before morphing back into a grey mass floating in the middle of the room. Serioth muttered "Damn it", under his breath, before trying again.

"Show me the City of Towers."

Again, the fog moved, as if disturbed by the wind, but again, the image dissipated long before it could become clear.

"Please show me the City of Towers?" he tried, wincing.

Same result.

"Show me the City, damn you!"

"Are you okay?"

Serioth jumped, and turned around. Jim was standing in the doorframe. He was wearing an oversized robe, had a tired look on his face and a coffee cup in his hand. The battlemage frowned.

"What are you doing here? You told me you were going to sleep!"

And Jim needed to rest. The spell he had cast to save him left its mark. The necromancer was sickly pale, his eyes were glassy, and he had a bony silhouette. It wasn't that he was extremely thin, though he had alway been the thinner of the two, but his nearly white skin was almost translucent, leaving his bones visible. His long brow hair now had long strands of white, and his legs were slightly shaking. He was slowly recuperating, clawing his way back to the world of the living, but he still looked like one of the dead.

"I did sleep. Nine hours, in fact."

"...really?"

"Yeah. You've been staying up all night."

"Ah."

Jim crossed his arms, squinting at him.

"You've got to rest, man. I swear, if you manage to die after I made you a lich, I'm gonna kill you."

"You can't-"

"Shut up."

Serioth sighed. Jim was at his most annoying when he was right. He could see it in his own reflection, and in his years of studying magic. To be on the receiving end of so much mana had consequences. It wasn't wild magic in any way, filtered through the incantations of necromancy, the days of continuous rituals it had demanded and of course, Jim's own magic, but that was irrelevant. Mana was the force of change. And change him it did. His skin was scarred where the magic had flown, in great patches of bony white, on his torso and his back. He was quieter, having to make a conscious effort to be heard when he talked, and even his shadow was somehow thinner. Sometimes, it stopped following him entirely. None of it was permanent, but he had to take care of himself, to avoid letting his grip on the living world weaken, and becoming nothing more than a wraith. And he hadn't be doing that. His moustache, usually impeccably groomed, was a mess of brown hair going in every direction, and his muscular figure was hunched over by the weigh of fatigue.

"...fine. I'll get some rest."

"And drink some water."

"And... Drink some water. Yes. Whatever."

Jim shook his head, and sighed.

"Good. I can't believe you managed to live this long while treating yourself like shit."

"It made me strong."

There was a moment of silence between them, as Jim turning around to leave through the door.

"No. You were strong already. It just made you tired and hurt."

Serioth didn't know what to say to that. He watched him leave and sighed. Maybe he did need some sleep. Staying up all night was just unreasonable.

He looked through the window on his right, then frowned. How did he not see the sun rise? How was he not seeing it right now? This window was on the east side of the tower, he was sure of it. Was it that late? Afternoon? No... No something was wrong. He could feel it. Serioth clenched his teeth, and sat down. Maybe Werill's memetovores incident had more effect on it than he thought. Maybe he was becoming paranoid. Still. It felt so much like when that... Thing was attached to his neck. This feeling of losing touch with reality, after noticing the smallest inconsistences in...

A scream. Serioth froze. It was Jim's voice. The battlemage jumped out of the room and rushes into the corridor. The scream was still echoing, but somehow, he knew the something had stopped. The silence... Around the scream, somehow, was heavier. And then, he saw it.

It was above Jim. A great thing of skin and teeth. A bald, naked head, tall as a standing man, at the hand of a gigantic neck. Its eyes were two white, sightless orbs. Its flesh was almost visible through its grey, scroll like skin. And its maw... No word could describe the gaping, terrible thing that it used as a mouth. A black holes that did not simply swallow light, but consumed and erase it entirely. It was barred with pointed teeth that looked like those of a deep sea fish, dripping with blood from the wound it had inflincted on Jim, as the necromancer was trying to keep it at bay with a dagger that looked ridiculous in comparaison.

A false hydra, seeking to consume Jim.

Serioth jumped to action, animated by old reflexes. He knew he could not let that thing sing. The mage raised his arms, and a great spear of ice flew down the hall, catching the beast in the neck. There, it exploded in a sphere of water that gargled the song the hydra tried to let out once again. The head retracted, but Serioth did not give it any chance. He closed his fist, and a ball of fire struck the things head, exploding. The beast screamed as the smell of burned flesh invaded the tower. Finally, the scream was cut short, as a disk of ice flew through its neck, slicing it clean. The head fell, shriveling up under the heat of the flame, and Serioth finally allowed himself to bend the knee and try to catch his breath. Not for long, though.

He rushed towards Jim, who was lying on the ground, and winced. His leg looked horrible. Blood completely covered it, and the fact that it was still attached surprised the battlemage.

"Jim! Are you okay?"

Jim smiled, clenching his teeth.

"Yep! Just peachy!""

"Not the time. Stay still, I'll heal you."

The mage put his hands on the wound, and a green light started glowing from it as it closed.

"What... What was that..?"

"A false hydra. Worry about it later, right now, you'll need rest. Healing spells take energy from your body-"

"I know how healing spells work," said Jim, already sounding sleepy.

"Alright, alright. Don't move I'll get you to bed."

He took the necromancer into a princess carry, and stood up. There, he froze.

The neck of the false hydra was slowly retreating, like a wound tentacle. It stretched on and on, into the forest below, and out of sight.

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

feel like. more n more because cognitive stuff get worse. becoming “unreliable narrator” of own life. if have heard of that literary term.

can’t tell you what am want even if give choices. can type make noise make gesture that mean yes automatically before even process question but actually answer is no. can borrow other people words say thing that thought is true about self only turn out very wrong. don’t know if want something. don’t know if like something. cannot answer those questions.

can’t tell you whether symptom getting worse or stay same or be better. don’t know if regression slowed or stopped or just past point where regression took even that awareness from me. ask me what symptom experience, if am experiencing this symptom. say yes, think do, but am i? actually understand what symptom is, actually understand n aware of self? for example. say have body weakness. genuinely think that do experience word that say “weakness”. but do actually experience the experience that is weakness? do actually understand definition of word “weakness”? not on purpose lie but, is what say n genuinely believe about self actually reliable.

really is perfect gaslighter, be perpetually gaslit by own cognitive symptoms, cannot escape, because it inside me. but not even know if it gaslighting because what if it not gaslighting what if it actually true. even facts that have nothing do with personal experience. did make it up, did i make reality up. is reality real. “are we live in simulation” except not meme joke. but actually. feel nothing different than made up shows that watch, while can’t shake belief that made up shows real just different world or actually part of this world we just just not aware (similar to how people like us cannot begin imagine what be ultra rich like).

feel as if float in space majority of time. not have self awareness. be in own world all time but not have self awareness of actual things actual self. not have awareness of surrounding.

[please don’t tell me you relate unless am know you / we friends / mutuals & you also have disability that really affect cognitive]

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

this whole fear of repressed memories regarding sexual abuse has been following me around for years, probably since I became aware of memory loss/repressed trauma in the first place, but idk why it's been so intense this summer and it's really really frustrating how every time I think I've worked through it and gotten over it, I see a picture or someone says something and I'm all "I'M SCARED THAT THIS FAMILY MEMBER RAPED ME AS A KID AND I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IT" and like. it's so frustrating because it's literally a symptom of OCD or whatever that I can't stop going over and over and over this, and it's driving me nuts that I can't seem to trust my own mind

[nearestend]

sorry but i'm going to need everyone to stop writing autistic / "gifted" (in quotes because i hate that term) characters who were little baby geniuses that skipped grades and graduated as valedictorian and were every teacher's pet because it's the most unrealistic shit ever and kind of just perpetuates this ableist misconception when in reality most autistic / gifted kids are more likely to be abused and exploited and bullied (both by peers and teachers), especially if they are not rich and especially if they are not white

[thecouncilofidiots]

IIIIII regret leaving our bedroom we are being devoured by bugs (/unsure of reality, distressed)

Please please please doc, give us those yummy anti-psychotics, we need Wednesday to be heeere nooow and for our current psychiatrist to be able to prescribe theeemmm

Fuuuuuuuuck /musical tone for drama

[demonidoodles]

Oc concept doodles but over time they get too crowded for my liking

Textless ver under read more

[zerodaryls]

i often find myself questioning reality and i'm thinking that maybe people shouldn't let their 8 year olds watch The Truman Show (1998) because it might actually create lasting psychological damage

[thinkin-bout-milgram]

I believe Mahiru has Schizophrenia

(Go to third paragraph if you want to skip my prefaces and meandering. I also put a fairly simple to understand DSM-5 criteria screenshot from one of my textbooks for schizophrenia near the bottom)

Admin Saturn here post Mahiru drop, I’m sure others will have either similar or very contrasting thoughts on this but I thought I’d offer my own perspective on it as a psych major and a person with a family member who has schizophrenia. She definitely shows a lot of symptoms of schizophrenia which of course doesn’t necessarily mean this is what they’re intending to portray with her, nor a good portrayal, but I want to put my thoughts out here.

I also want to say that I’m most familiar with schizophrenia and this could very easily fall into a different psychotic disorder I’m less familiar with so I’ll be doing some research into those to either rule out other possibilities or hone in more on a potential schizophrenia portrayal.

Starting with the most basic, she’s near the typical age of onset for schizophrenia in women which is mid 20s to early 30s. (although of course theres a very broad range)

Going on to criteria A. To start there are three ‘main criteria’ that are often the most telling for people with schizophrenia. These include 1. delusions, 2. hallucinations, and 3. disorganized speech. I would say mahiru definitely meets delusions and hallucinations based on this MV. 

While auditory hallucinations are the most common, and having fully formed and incredibly all encompassing visual hallucinations like the ones depicted in her MV are very uncommon, milgram depicts very specific and intriguing cases. The fact that all the prisoners hear our voices also makes it difficult to be able to tell if she might experience auditory hallucinations as well, but it’s something I’ll be looking out for. 

To say more on delusions (and keep in mind I’m reporting all this in a very simplified version sans context because theres a lot about delusions within psychotic disorders. And also this is just with just a quick refresher from a previous textbook) there are a few kinds. Mahiru would be expressing erotomanic type where you believe a person is madly in love with you and you two were meant to be together. This is most often experienced in relation to celebrities but again, milgram tries to take looks at the most ‘intriguing’ cases.

The other criteria are 4. grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior and 5. negative symptoms. Schizophrenia can be thought of as having negative and positive symptoms. Positive symptoms are things like hallucinations and delusions that add a nonreal experience where negative symptoms reduce a typical experience/self expression. (again, simplified) So some negative symptoms a person could experience would be reduced affect or a lack of pleasure from everyday activities. I don’t see her having any reduced affect but I could definitely see her having grossly disorganized behavior.

Grossly disorganized behavior includes not understanding you have a problem (specifically in a lacking insight way), another thing is cognitive slippage where a person will jump from topic to topic or talk illogically. While we haven’t seen her have these symptoms recently, the deterioration of her notebook entries could be an attempt to show the audience this.

A person must have at least 2 of these 5 symptoms.

She also def meets criteria B (worsened hygiene at the very least which doesn’t even bring in how much these actions likely impacted the other aspects of her life)

I can’t say for sure with C, D, or E, however F I can say has been met.

Something important to note is that it’s hard to tell if Mahiru would meet the criteria of experiencing this for the past 6 months. We don’t know how long she was holding him captive (although I think from the wear it looks like he experienced it was longer than the few days expressed in her journal) but it’s still difficult to know. If she hasn’t, it would be important to look into schizophreniform which is a shorter version of it and brief psychotic disorder which is an even shorter version. These can have a better long term prognosis.

In regards to outcomes that people with schizophrenia can experience long term with treatment vary. Unfortunately, many people never make a full recovery and continue to experience symptoms, especially those who never receive treatment. Schizophrenia is typically considered a chronic disorder. They typically benefit most from a structured inpatient facility with good care and this is a disorder where med compliance is one of the number 1 things that can impact recovery. However, that definitely doesn’t mean they can’t. With med compliance, a good support system as well as coping skills and frequent checkups symptoms can severely lessen to almost disappear. Especially with schizophreniform and brief psychotic disorder, there are a lot of cases where a person can experience one case of it and never have these symptoms again (although it is also a very big risk factor for a later schizophrenia diagnosis)

Another thing to consider going forward in regards to being able to ask her questions would be asking about childhood and family history. Schizophrenia is highly hereditary and there are also some early flags in childhood that include atypical beliefs or some of the negative symptoms.

From a personal standpoint, I would also say that my family member expresses a lot of floaty whimsical type ideas. Not quite in the Mahiru love way but it has similar vibes? I don’t quite know how to describe it because it’s such a specific mannerism but it’s just another coincidence I thought I would add.

Theres always the availability heuristic and I know a lot about schizophrenia and it’s something I think about a lot more than the average person. However, I do feel that she meets a lot of criteria and I’ll definitely be looking for more signs.

[idoodlestuffsometimes]

I just gotta ask has Caleb ever tried to kill himself before?

I'm afraid the answer is almost definitely yes. The most likely points would probably be after the death of the first grimwalker and whenever it was that he realized he's surely outlived his wife and their child. Attempts lead to consequences against his sons though, so for Hunter's sake he hasn't tried it in a long time and in fact actively avoids things that might tempt him in his weaker or less lucid moments. One of the multiple reasons he doesn't carve anymore.

[stellacadente]

i realized how much it scares me that my mind will convince itself of even the ugliest things if i start thinking them often enough and it's... yeah. like i had a good session with my psychiatric rehabilitation therapist i think it was very useful but then at the end i got hit by this feeling of fear... like i'm so scared of myself and how low i can get

[twofacedtrickery]

I MEAN. I AM A GOD. BUT THAT WAS JUST ME SENDING GIFTS. ENJOY - PS

Gods. So many of them. Gifts.

[justalexisfine]

tw: vent? memories? longing for something more, unreality(?), questioning reality

it's a funny thing, really. my memories are vague and foggy, sure, but I can't help but want to be there again. and again. and again. so much so that it hurts. it hurts so so so much.

let me be who I'm supposed to be. I shouldn't be like this. please.

I want to go back. let me go back. please. let me go back. it's better there. better better better.

why does it hurt so much? I like this life, so... why does it hurt? why do I long for the past that doesn't have a surefire way of being real?

am I even really here?

is this some sort of test? a trick, maybe? some illusion that I haven't been alleviated of yet?

let me go back. let me go back dammit. I don't like it here. it's too loud and too overwhelming and there's too many people and not enough Mother Nature and...

I just want to go back. why can't I go back?

[primus-why]

Sad Idea (tw: infertility mention)

Okay but what if when Orion got reformatted into Optimus, the Matrix gave him The Ideal Body To Go To War With? Like, it cut out unnecessary parts of his past self-- not just emotionally, but physically as well...

What I'm trying to get at: what if one day, the topic of sparklings come up. Maybe the humans they've been hanging around asked about the various ways a new Cybertronian comes to exist. Maybe the war is over, and someone innocently asks Optimus if he has ever considered being a creator.

Optimus might politely wave off the idea, citing he's too busy as Prime to give the care and attention deserved by a sparkling. But in private... or maybe even to just his amica/ a close friend or two... he admits that he did once want to be a creator, however, that's no longer in the cards for him...

... because the Matrix didn't deem a gestation chamber a necessary asset for a Prime at war.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

I was just thinking the other day that after my psychiatrist takes me off the antipsychotic I'm on I could float the idea of getting off the antidepressant too

[thecouncilofidiots]

Lowkey freaking the fuck out???

The memories are either missing or not right and I know I should be used to this I should be used to this but it's still jarring as fuck and I'm scrambling and doubting my perception of reality and the truths of our existence and just AAHHH

It's not even a distressing memory, at least those I know the others purposely keep from me, I can accept that, but something simple and mundane and what is real on a day-to-day level??? Is it real? What is the truth? Why are my memories off?? -Ace

[bunnihearted]

🌌🗯️