#also i'm about to get properly diagnosed and it's more than likely i do actually have adhd

[sennik]

so, turns out the best cure for being depressed, overworked and uninspired really is working less, spending time with friends, and consuming media you actually like.

[catboybiologist]

About to fall asleep ramble time, this has been kicking around in my brain for a bit and I need to get some form of this thought out

I was diagnosed with ADHD and gender dysphoria one day after the other back in August. Extremely stereotypically zillenial of me, I know. Handling both of these has dramatically improved my quality of life. yes yes insert discourse about how much you need to have dysphoria as a diagnosis, it's just a tool for the medical system that's ultimately meaningless, that's not what this is about.

There's one thing that was really, really weird about the experience of getting care for both of these.

Most treatment and public talk of transition and motivations to transition are about misery. How much despair your birth sex gives you and how gender affirming care is the only stopgap against suicide (oftentimes, used as a barrier to entry that it should only be given when it's at the suicidal point). How crushing dysphoria is.

In contrast, most of the public perception of ADHD is this cutesy, "omg look I'm so quirky" kind of thing. People talk of ADHD "superpowers" and how neat it is to have hyperfixations (I'm low key starting to dislike that word, even though it's an accurate description of many things- it's very overused).

My actual experience has been almost exactly the opposite.

I absolutely had gender dysphoria, and still do, and misery associated with being AMAB. But is that what defines my trans experience? No, and in fact, it feels like a more incidental blip in it. My trans experience has mostly been defined by joy, by feeling my mind and body slowly make me more and more content with my default existence day after day. And the exploration of it all! The social roles, the romantic dynamics, the friendship dynamics, even small aesthetics like clothes and makeup, and again, the body and mood changes. It's incredible and it brings me joy so much of the time. That, more than anything, has defined my trans experience.

In contrast.... ADHD has objectively made nearly every aspect of my life more miserable. Working with my therapist and my pysch, as well as feeling what it's like to be properly medicated, have shown me extremely well how much the constant feelings of misery I always seemed to have were caused by ADHD. ADHD means being unable to receive a baseline level of dopamine to function under normal circumstances, so your brain starts looking for any way it can get new sources. And wouldn't ya know it, novel stimuli are a perfect way to do that. Keep in mind that dopamine isn't just "the pleasure molecule" it's a neurotransmitter with a broad range of functions. If you don't have ADHD, or even if you do, I want you to think about how miserable of an existence that is. Your default state is depression and inability to do things. It has been for me for most of my life. Additionally, anxieties creep into your head and distract you far more easily. You're less functional. You can't do simple things most of the time. You're distracted and have anxiety spikes easily. Continuous tasks are hard. And day in, day out... You are miserable. Almost constantly.

Oh also, you're easily addicted to extreme novel stimuli. For me, it was self harm. And when that stopped working... Well, I was in a state of mostly background depression that was only punctuated by spikes of massive, overwhelming anxiety that my brain hooked itself on. At a certain point, I just wanted it to end, by any means necessary.

It's been almost ten years since that day, and at this point I can genuinely say that I'm glad I'm still here.

But it wasn't dysphoria that did that (it contributed a bit, but still wasn't the biggest factor). Or a depressive disorder. Or bipolar. Or whatever the big, more "scary" mental illnesses or neurodivergencies are. They tried to treat me for some of them, and it ended horribly. My symptoms fit mixed presentation ADHD perfectly, including my physiological response to stimulants. They don't fit anything else. I likely don't have any strong comorbidities, unless you count the symptom-level anxiety and depression. ADHD did all of that to me. The "cute and quirky" one.

By the time I got around to a diagnosis, my pysch was astounded that I made it as far as I did with symptoms as severe as mine. Tackling ADHD has removed so much misery from my life, it's indescribable. Adderall has been the only thing that has ever actually gotten rid of my constant anxiety.

It's not fucking cute. Keeping with this being the flip side to my dysphoria, I do try to keep it light most of the time, and I join in on all of the classic "whoopsie doopsie my ADHD" trains and jokes. You don't have to stop making those, hell, they're fun. There are cute and funny parts to having ADHD, and ways it's made my personality what it is. But don't forget that this is also something that makes people genuinely suffer well beyond the "oopsie I'm such a procrastinator!!!" Type thing.

Idk where this thought is going. It's just kind of an observation that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. So uh. Hope it at least generates discussion? Feel free to add your experiences if you think it'll help you. But fuck I need to sleep lol

[dissociacrip]

this turned into a long adhd rant whoopsie

it really does suck how people seem to downplay autism and adhd now lol. autism has been reduced to people who can mask and have low support needs and adhd hasn't really changed from its status as a joke.

i don't talk about adhd much but it probably gets in the way of me being able to function just as much, if not more than autism does (in my personal situation) when it comes to mental disability. not showering enough. not cooking. not cleaning my living space properly. forgetting to brush my teeth. dishes sitting in the sink for so long they start getting moldy. only being able to maybe do 1-3 tasks a day maximum because my brain can't organize itself enough to do more than that. difficulty committing to things and being consistent in overarching ways. being late to things a lot. highly impaired verbal recall so i forget things people say to me, forget verbal instructions, etc. on top of the other acutely stressful situations that come with memory and regulating my attention span (e.g. locking my keys in my car or locking myself out of my house when i have a very limited support network to remediate those situations.)

my meds barely touch this stuff for me and i'm not especially inclined to increase the dosage after bordering on psychosis when i was taking 40mg of vyvanse. i've just become so accustomed to living the way that i do (because my case is pretty bad afaik) so i can't just will myself to be another way. any efforts i make to change or be more organized and routine and consistent end up getting dashed away because i just cannot do it lol. my shit just doesn't work. adhd is a massive barrier between me and being a functioning person or being able to take care of myself. i'm pretty sure would still be a "gross" and unpalatable disabled person even if my muscles worked and i didn't have POTS/etc. that also get in the way of my hygiene and the cleanliness of my living space.

that doesn't even go into how other people react to it. a good chunk of physical and verbal abuse i faced from my family as a child was related to my adhd symptoms. i was diagnosed at a young age but my parents "forgot" it happened and it was never addressed otherwise. i got constantly called disgusting for my hygiene problems and was threatened with violence over it (on top of the times where i was actually getting assaulted.) people take my impaired verbal recall and lack of impulse control irt accidentally cutting people off or interrupting them personally, accusing me of not caring enough when it's something that is extremely difficult to be aware of or manage when adhd is a condition that distinctly involves impaired awareness of your own behavior.

so when i see shit like "just set alarms" or anything else that amounts to "you're not trying hard enough" or adhd not very much being a disability, especially when it's coming from other people w/ adhd, it kinda makes me wanna stab things with knives.

sure, it's not the worst condition ever, but just like most other disabilities, the way it affects everyone who is it is different and some are gonna be able to manage it better than others. sure, there a lot of really fucking annoying people (usually able-bodied) w/ adhd on social media that have large platforms and who very often profit from or encourage liberal pop psych bullshit when it comes to adhd, but it's still very much a disability. it can affect hygiene. it can affect employment or otherwise means of earning an income. it can affect our social lives and whether we have a support system. it can affect whether someone can keep their house from getting infested with bugs or mold. it is very much something that causes dysfunction in ways that aren't nearly as cutesy as the little comics you might see on instagram are drawn.

just remember that.

[silenthillmutual]

For the character ask thing, I would like to submit Everyone's Favourite And Definitely No One's Least Favourite Science Boy, Daniil Dankovsky

grinning and winning with this one!!!!

First impression I'll be honest, I know a lot of people's first reaction to Daniil is that he's kind of an asshole, but personally I thought he was kind of funny. Melodramatic little man - the way he's like "well my WHOLE LIFE IS OVER" when he finds out Simon's dead had me just shaking my head. I knew there was something so wrong with him then. And that hasn't changed!

Impression now It hasn't changed a lot, to be quite honest. I still think Daniil is funny and I still think there's something so wrong with him. I just get out the whole DSMV to diagnose him. Top characters of all time if I'm being honest.

Favorite moment There are so many of them but I love his interactions with kids the best. It's clear that he cares about them, but isn't the best at communicating with them. I'm especially fond of the interaction with I think it's a teensy where she's telling him about how Clara killed someone just by putting her hands on them and Daniil's reply is "Attagirl!" I love him. He's so funny.

Idea for a story You might think to yourself, "Harker has more than enough Daniil Dankovsky fics," and this is where you'd be wrong. I'm currently writing something for a buddy, and I do write for both commission and request, so I have a neverending supply of ideas. One I'd like to recuscitate whenever I re-emerge from other fandoms is Daniil properly adopting Shrew. It might not be long, but I want them to have an actual conversation about it post-Marble Nest.

Unpopular opinion Where do I even begin? For one, he's not a twink. For another, no I do not think he'd get along well with Victor Frankenstein or have any respect for him - just consider how highly Daniil holds his own sense of responsbility, how much value he places on his education. I'm also not really a believer in the idea that Daniil is a partyboy, he's far too high-strung and acerbic. I could go on, but then we'd be here all day. Suffice to say I'm really, really picky about what I will and won't read in terms of fic for Daniil lol.

Favorite relationship I actually live for his friendship with Sticky!! I love it when people write or draw Sticky trying to emulate him, or a mixture of him and Artemy. It's so much fun.

Favorite headcanon Transkovsky nation rise up!

[ladyseidr]

So, as you may know from his muse page, Rory has ( obviously undiagnosed ) ADHD. I wanted to delve more into this ( and project some of my ADHD onto him lmaooo ).

so, we'll start heavier and then move on to the mostly lighter stuff: yes, his ADHD is disabling. no, he does not know that. yes, he's thinks he's just lazy and stupid ( he's not </3 ).

no, his would-be-shitty-no-matter-what parents do not help the above, although his mom's emotional abuse / judgment actually gives him the bigger complex abt it

he does struggle academically despite the fact that, talking to him about his interests / stuff he's knowledgeable about, he clearly comes across intelligent. he struggles with focus, some memory issues, plus general test anxiety despite claiming to not care about school. he hears a lot of "try harder" despite, like, actually putting effort in for many years of his schooling.

he graduates high school, barely ( as in, highly considered dropping out for 101 reason, including the ADHD ). no, he doesn't even consider college.

the combination of untreated ADHD, C-PTSD, and definitely an ( un ) healthy dose of depression make it hard for him to work "traditional jobs," so he does mostly odd jobs. at some point after getting his own place, i def think he starts diving into his art a little more. can aspen write a muse who isn't a creative? tune in next time to find out.

unrelated, but i am serious about the band idea. about him joining some local, semi-decent band as a singer.

ANYWAY some lighter stuff now: guy who always has one major ( months and months long ) and one minor ( 1-2 weeks ) hyperfixation going on at all times.

his common types of hyperfixations tend to be: specific comic book series or characters, specific bands, D&D, video games, and so forth.

he does get pulled back to previous hyperfixations sometimes, especially favorite characters ( like batg.irl, green ar.row, nightc.rawler, spid.er-man, etc )

please let him infodump at you. please let your muse find it endearing when he talks for 30 minutes straight about the latest Batm.an series. or about his new spray paint. or about anything.

btw i'm adding this just to be petty because i brought up comics but i promise you he called in and voted for jason not to die. i think older rory read "Under the H.ood" and felt the most validation he'd ever felt in his life. this isn't even fn.af-related anymore, let me get mad about D.C for a second—

( actually let's be real rory relating to jason big time is Real and Canon to me. anyway hayla, if you're reading this—)

sometimes his brain moves faster than his mouth and he literally can't say what he wants to say fast enough to get it out coherently ( real real real ).

he does miss social cues sometimes, but how much of that is ADHD vs him just not being properly socialized prior to school is debatable. pre-bite, he's able to laugh it off when someone calls him on it.

projecting big time but i think he should be a rocker ( as a stim ). if he's sitting down, he's probably rocking or bouncing his leg or something. if he's standing, he's shifting foot-to-foot constantly. that's not to say he can never be still, but he stims quite a lot. it's not always ( or even often ) a sign of nerves, he just gets restless.

in fact, honestly a lot of his idle behavior can scream "nervous" if you don't realize he's simply restless.

his recklessness is honestly not something i'd attribute to his ADHD. he has little care for his own safety, but i think that's a lot broader then ( or even wholly unrelated to ) his ADHD

does he ever get diagnosed? it's probably well into his 30s before he can even be convinced to try therapy, but yeah, i think eventually he gets diagnosed and tbh i think he probably cried the first time he read the, like, symptoms of it and realized it fit him. also when he gets on medication. this is supposed to be a happy bullet point but AGH </3

anyway rory infodumping at your muse starter call when?

[thebibliosphere]

Hey Bibliomom. So I've had CFS/ME for the past 13 years or so, and I've only just been diagnosed. My feelings on being confirmed to have an incurable disorder rather than something that is in my head(and a personal deficit that I am therefore theoretically capable of overcoming) are... Complicated. Can you recommend any support groups/groups for people trying out and reporting on the effects of various treatments? I have been taking LDN for a few months, and I've recently started on bi-weekly b12 shots. I know it's to be expected but I always feel so gutted when a new treatment doesn't just... Fix Me. I'm looking into mestonin, stellate ganglion blocks, and getting my microbiome mapped and altering my diet based on that. It's all so much money and spoons for a complete crap shoot every time. Have any particular treatments worked well for you?

Unfortunately, there is no Fix Me cure for Me/CFS, there’s just things that help and maybe increase your baseline of wellness. Chief among them, resting while in an active flare to avoid PEM (Post Exertion Malaise.). You can do all the fanciest most expensive treatments, but if you’re not resting enough to avoid PEM, you’re just throwing money away.

The jury is still out between my doctors on whether I have ME/CFS. Some say no because I got substantially better after pernicious anemia treatment and that fatigue is a symptom of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and what I have is chronic fatigue, not chronic fatigue syndrome.

Some of my other doctors say that’s just splitting hairs. Especially when we now know I have multiple genetic disorders that were made infinitely worse following viral infections and other physical injuries.

Either way they all agree that avoiding PEM is vital at all costs. This means tailoring my physical rehab to very specifically to not push beyond my limits. If I wake up more tired than usual, I cancel physical therapy that day because going through with it can set me back days, sometimes even weeks.

We’ve also found that stabilizing my neck through physical therapy has been beneficial, as cervical instability and things like tethered cord syndrome have also been linked to ME/CFS (Jennifer Brea is a famous example.)

I’m also being assessed this week by a neuro-eye specialist to see if there’s something wrong with my eyes that a regular eye doctor might miss, just on the off chance that a misalignment is the cause of my chronic migraines, and potentially a lot of fatigue as well.

Other than that I take a crap ton of methylated micronutrients under doctor’s orders because my body struggles with the methylation process, and also I just don’t absorb food properly thanks to the EDS and MCAS, so I’m pretty much always deficient in something. Also making sure I’m properly hydrated at all times helps. It’s amazing how crummy low electrolytes can make you feel, even when you think you are adequately hydrated.

As for groups, I find the r/cfs subreddit helpful. The r/CFSplusADHD has also been helpful, though less active. Other than that I recommend following along with the ME Action Network. They post a lot of research and can be a good way to find other people in similar situations.

And to answer your other question about mast cell stabilizers: I rotate between Cetirizine and Levocetirizine at the moment (both h1 blockers), and also Famotidine (h2) when needed. I don’t find Famotidine as effect as Ranitidine, but unfortunately, Ranitidine is still off the market due to a recall concerning product instability.

I’ve also found Ketotifen (h1 blocker) helps to reduce my fibromyalgia type pain, but unfortunately I don’t tolerate it very well and it makes my migraines worse. Same with Cromolyn Sodium. That one actually brought me out in hives when I tried the oral route, but I suspect the dosage was too high. I tolerate the eye drops though.

I also take a high dose of Vitamin D3 every day under doctor’s orders. That has really helped my mast cell symptoms over the last year. It’s amazing what being low on Vit D can cause to fuck up in your body.

Other than that it’s avoid triggers, avoid stress and get plenty of rest.

I hope that helps.

[erismourn]

watching the james somerton apology video so you don't have to. this isn't entirely comprehensive, just a summary, if you want the nuance of his exact wording please just go watch the video

opens by saying he's monetizing the video to donate the money to hbomb's team so they can distribute it to the harmed individuals, and if hbomb's team don't accept he'll be making monthly donos to wikipedia and trans lifeline going forward

talkign about how he's a bad representative of "the queer community" as a cis white gay man

he's reached out to as many people he harmed as he can, some haven't responded but others have been incredibly kind

he's extending a specific apology to Jessie Gender - he wants to be clear that he didn't report Jessie to the police, as is the common understanding, but a fan of Jessie's who sent him a death threat

wanted his channel to be "welcoming to every queer person" which is impossible - he says he should have made voices that aren't his more accessible, but he didn't

blaming the algorithm for his popularity over queer creators of colour, disabled queers, etc

he thought that crediting people in the opening credits of videos was enough, but he admits he was wrong - people should have been properly cited (personal note: come on man you went to business school. you know how citations work.)

he has obtained permission for use of sources in the past, but "most of the sources" he didn't get permission for

brought Nick on with the idea that Nick would write most of the scripts and James would voice them

james had to put out more videos to make more money because he was let go from work during covid and was also dealing with other stuff so he had to take on more of the writing (and we all know how that went)

[sic] "my intention was to use [giant blocks of text i pasted into the script] as a jumping off point that we would elaborate on when we did table reads but *I have memory issues as a result of a head injury I got as a child*"

the head injury is real, he has epilepsy as a result. I want to be clear here that we need to respect James' disabilities, regardless of how much of a plagiarist he is. however as someone with memory problems I don't buy that it caused him to entirely forget to cite sources over many, many hours of work that he did to churn out these videos.

"when it came to editing the scripts, I couldn't remember what I had written and what I had copy-pasted"

blames his unwillingness to take account of those issues by for example writing notes in the script so future james would know he copypasted them on recently diagnosed ADHD

he had to take on a bunch of additional responsibilities when his mom passed away because his father is illiterate and can't do the legal stuff you have to do when someone dies

Telos grew out of his need to crowdfund after his mom died because RBC's insurance policy was weird (and dunks on RBC which i agree with. fuck all canadian banks)

Telos was supposed to start small but the success of the campaign gave them bigger dreams for their films

he describes the plot of hsi final girl movie and then says "to those who say I plagiarized final girl by grady hendrix, read the book. it's nothing like the plot of the movie." talks about how "final girl" is a trope and if using a trope was plagiarism, then every slasher movie since texas chainsaw would be plagiarism. fair, but i'm suspicious.

talks about the details of having to move to ontario for better opportunities

realized that making movies is a lot more expensive than he originally thought and thus had to make more movie ideas (?? not sure about the logic here but ok)

James and Nick were both involved in writing scripts n stuff

"the intention was never, EVER, to take the [telos] money and run"

James regrets moving to Ontario

James is working with a producer now and is actually making something from Telos - he will make no money from this project

"I am not nor did I ever intend to be paid money from Telos"

stresses again that he and Nick needed to crunch to make videos to make more money and get more sponsors

describes his apology in december as "horrendous"

begins detailing his suicidality

people found James' address, he claims people showed up at his house while he was hospitalized for suicidality (I want to be clear: this is fucked, the people who did this should be shamed)

he's reactivated some videos on his channel that "dont' have plagiarized content" and has done some heavy editing on other videos so they only contain original content and revenue will be going to either Hbomb's team or the charities mentioned above

he's going to be releasing a new video written by him with cited sources

he has no sponsors now

"we didn't intend to have misinformation in past videos" - it was never malicious

he won't be relaunching his patreon but starting a new patreon account if people want to support him

hes going to "work his ass off" to earn people's trust again

"there is no excuse for what I did"

reiterates that he thought putting names in opening credits was fine

"I thought it was ok to [plagiarize vito russo] because the book was out of print and he had passed away"

he wants to make a documentary video about vito russo

"I want to do the work. I want to prove not just to you, but to myself, that I can do the work"

"I can't get across how sorry I am"

[olderthannetfic]

Hi there! I hope you're having a nice day.

Little bit of a rant and a bid for advice, if you or your readers have any. I hope that's alright.

I'm currently writing a fic or maybe multiple fics (plot bunnies be running rampant in me brains) about a rarepair of two guys. I'm a bi woman and have basically zero social skills, so in order to properly understand other people's body language, I like to look up guides or articles about body language between two people, although I know those things are full of bullshit and don't mean anything, and it's hard to find articles for example about whether another woman's body language indicates interest in you if you're a woman yourself, but eh, they're still better than my brain which is usually like "eh, could mean this or that or this or that or this or that or- basically could be anything, I wouldn't know that lol, now I'm tired and will shut off, bye" aka useless as well.

The results I've found have been absolutely useless. I like writing characters in a slightly plausible-sounding way, so I like incorporating body language as in acting choices or subconscious body language (or whatever a proper term might be) in my writing to make it sound more in-character. So for stuff like this, I usually just think "ok what is that person's expression and if I do it, what would that indicate me to be feeling currently", and I don't know if other people do that or if that's just me being bad with social stuff and intuition about it again, and if I should really try to get re-evaluated for autism which I have been advised to think about doing multiple times in multiple direct and indirect implicative ways such as people being like "hey btw are you autistic? no? you sure?" or "I know you got a negative diagnosis as a kid, but maybe that was wrong and you might wanna do it again because of all your social struggles and sensory stuff etc.", heh. (Have been diagnosed with ADHD though, so that might also just be it.)

Sorry for the rambling. English isn't my first language, so if anything sounds strange, that's to blame.

My question or rather bid for advice is: I am wondering if you or your readers might have any advice on where to find resources for reading body language and romantic or sexual implications in body language between two parties, in this case between two guys.

(Hopefully this is not too nonsensical or insensitive or something like that because that's not my intention. I just really don't know how to human or if there actually is some difference on how different people of different genders flirt consciously or subconsciously or if that's some weird unnoticed transphobic bio-essentialism shit that I hadn't yet noticed and sorted out of my head because I don't want to be transphobic since that sucks.)

--

Weeell...

If people have links to guides, that's great, but I do think that in the context of fanfic, people often write flirting that they find sexy or they write whatever the canon style of interaction is and recontextualize it as how these particular guys flirt.

They're not usually thinking "What does flirting look like in general?" and then having the characters behave in a new way.

A lot of our interpretation of body language in written fiction has to do with information we get from the POV character about how they're feeling internally. For the non-POV character, we may have the POV character's thoughts on what the body language means, but we're generally interpreting it based on media cliches and based on knowing this is a ship fic.

So the other dude acts like he doesn't like our POV dude and the POV dude is like "Alas, my pining is unrequited!" and the audience goes "Ooooh, it's one of those fics!"

If the goal is writing certain types of fic, you may not need a guide to How People Really Act as much as one to How Fans Interpret Such and Such a Behavior from Canon as Subtext.

[trying2cope]

I fell madly, deeply in love.

He did too. We talked everyday. We sexted. One day he seriously considered randomly driving to my house after work, even though we live 3 hours apart. I talked him down, explaining the sensible reasons why he shouldn't leave so suddenly-- I wish I'd let him now.

I realized though why waiting for marriage for sex was a good idea for me though. I didn't regret it exactly-- he was a far superior lover than my exes and I longed to please him and be his forever. But therein lay the problem. "I love him like a husband," I confessed to my friend. "It would destroy me to lose him." Giving myself so fully had left me with no ability to keep him out of my heart and soul.e

My kids liked him. I did cringe a little when I heard my kids mention that Mommy had had a friend over and they mentioned Master's name and I knew my ex would read between the lines and know I was dating. Not that I cared about his opinion, especially when he had dated while we were still married(!) but I didn't want him to cause any trouble or drama as he was prone to do.

I had not yet gotten to meet his daughter because he and his ex had made an agreement that no one they were dating would meet her before they introduced the new partner to each other. I was annoyed momentarily when he first mentioned this because I didn't want to be paraded in front of his ex for her to judge. But I very quickly calmed down and realized this was a long term thinking thing. There was no rule or custody agreement saying this must be done and he *could* have just introduced me to his daughter-- but doing so would have upset the ex and if I was someday to be his wife and his daughter's stepmom it behooved everyone that we do this properly and respectfully. He was pleased when I said that I understood and said that back to him.

Not that actually he could bring his toddler down yet. One of the big embarrassments of my life is how messy I can get. I had been severely depressed and struggling before meeting him and the house had suffered. When he had first suggested meeting, just the next upcoming weekend, I had panicked and almost said no. I knew I couldn't get it clean in time. But I also knew this was an ongoing struggle in my life. I get the house clean only to get sick or depressed or just very, very busy and the next thing you knew it was far too messy once again. I have ADHD with bad executive dysfunction that had only been diagnosed two years earlier and at that point my depression had made me afraid to contact the doctor to get my medicine. It made cleaning a near impossible task.

That can be really hard for neurotypicals to understand but to give a quick example it seems like NTs can say "I'm going to clean the bedroom" and it's one task, and they do it. To me, it's like 25: picking up trash, making sure I have a garbage bag, picking up clothes, making sure I have a laundry basket to put the clothes in, clearing off the end table, putting each individual item that belongs somewhere in the house away is an individual task item for each one, stripping the sheets, taking off the pillow cases, figuring out where I put the clean linens-- doing laundry if I didn't have clean linens. Putting the sheets on the bed, putting each pillow case on, deciding if the blanket is clean enough to go back on or needs to be washed and if it does, bringing it to the laundry room and finding a new blanket for that night. Picking up shoes and making sure they have pairs and are put on the shoe rack. Picking up my kid's toys which shouldn't be in my room but definitely would be and finding a bin to put them in and remembering to take the bin to their room. And more and more and more. This doesn't even get to things like sweeping, mopping, dusting or cleaning windows which felt like luxuries that I never even got to because I would get far too exhausted by the mental load of trying to do the rest of it I was nearing a panic attack before I got remotely close to be ready for that. Because while doing all those endless, thankless, soul sucking tasks I only have the working memory to keep maybe three or four things in my head. And that's only if I'm left to myself-- but I am a single mom so I never was. I *would* be interrupted with "Mommy this" and "Mommy that" every 3 minutes or so, making all my hard one mental efforts drop like being startled with giant armload of various items and dropping them all on the floor and once the kids go back to their play I'd have to pick them back up again only to drop them again in 3 minutes. It seemed like a fruitless, impossible task. And that was just one room of my 3 bedroom house.

So when my potential Master came in and looked around at my mess and nodded and said "we can work on this" with absolutely no judgement at all in his face, my heart nearly exploded with joy. This was the man I'd always needed. My ex husband had always been verbally abusive and critical, making everything much worse. Indeed the reason I would get anxious to the point of almost having panic attacks after 20 minutes or so of cleaning up was partially because I would hear him in the back of my head and I'd have to stop and take deep breathes so I wouldn't hyperventilate. My body associated cleaning with danger now. But Master's response had been so gentle, so not a big deal, that I knew with him I'd be able to find healing and the praise I so desperately needed to function, something that when I had pleaded with my ex to give me would only bring hateful scorn. "You want praise for doing the bare minimum?!" he had sneered. But praise would short circuit the anxiety and give me motivation when it was lagging. I *needed* it to function and he never understood. But this man would.

When he left after that first meeting I had been energized and had done some cleaning. But then a few weeks later I'd had a few busy days in a row. Whenever we were busy with tasks outside the home the house got messier because we tended to discard clothes and dishes and whatever on our way to rush out or to bed when we got back, too distracted or tired to clean up.

It had been three days in a row of busy days when I heard the doorbell ring one morning. I was upstairs and scantily clad so I threw some clothes on as I headed downstairs. I was expecting FedEx and assumed it was a package. I opened the door and a woman stood there with a clipboard.

"FedEx?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "I'm from Child Protective Services."

[lookingforhappy]

I mean, I did write an entire paragraph about how the Brellies were numbered... It's the comic explanation, sure. But even if the show never addresses the monocle, it's still not a pothole. A story is not obligated to answer 100% of your questions, as long as the explanations we do get don't contradict each other.

I'm probably getting hung-up on this particular term because I see it being used as a catch-all for anything people don't like or don't understand all the time, and I do actually blame Cinemasins for that. 😂

My personal hc has always been that they were numbered in the order Reg obtained the kids but I, too, had to accept a different explanation. There's plenty of other things to criticise TUA for instead, and I'm sure we can even find some actual potholes.

Cinemasins dealt a psychic blow to fandoms lmao

but no i get that, i'll retract the "plothole" description. i'm just trying to say that it's a plot point that's not properly resolved and is over complicated.

but you see where I'm coming from tho right?

let's say that Reginald has the monocle and is able to diagnose their powers upon just seeing the babies. let's also say that he only wanted 7, no more, no less.

If he goes to Rachel Hershberger first, and sees Klaus first, my question is, how would he know where Klaus falls on the power scale if he doesn't know the other's powers? He doesn't know he'll get Luther, he might get Sloane, which would change how the Brellies are numbered because she has a more powerful ability than Diego, Allison, and maybe Klaus.

If he goes to Rachel Hershberger last, and sees Klaus last, then how did he know to name 5, 6 and 7 before knowing what 4's powers were or where they fell on his power scale?

and no you were right originally, there is a note in the BTS book for the show (i own a copy too!) that says "he claimed that these numbers prioritized the children by ascending order of usefulness - but they were actually organised by descending levels of power" it's on pg 10

but if this explanation is true, then why does Ben go from number 6 with the Umbrella's, ranked above Luther (superstrength) and Five (spacetime jumps), to ranking at number 1 below Marcus (superstrength) and Sloane (gravity manipulation) with the Sparrow's? That suggests that it's less about powers and more about personality/skills.

anyway, i'm realising now that I also don't totally understand how cheques work? Would Reginald write the receipt the same day as the cheque? or would he fill in the receipt days after? cos really that's the crux of my argument here lol

edit: the cheque stub (receipt) would be written at the same time as the cheque, so yea my point still stands that klaus would have been named no.4 the minute he was adopted. which takes us back to my original argument: how could reginald know the ranking before he knew what powers he was ranking?

[clementiens]

yesterday i had a pain management appointment and i felt soo brushed off ending up there (kind of a long train of frustrating appointments leading there, and my first appointment there was an excruciating hip injection that didn't help and also the local anesthesia didn't work) like i'm here because everyone's given up on Fixing things but it was actually really great

the nurse (?) getting me set up was way more understanding of Chronic pain than i'm used to, like how ineffective and inappropriate the 1-10 scale is. frustrated to hear about a time i felt brushed off by a doctor and not informed about things, told me about a time she was in a similar situation and what she said to get more information. like "i'm not blaming you for not doing this but here's a way you can say this" it was so sweet

and the doctor!! holy shit. really thoroughly familiar with EDS. wasn't just validating things i said, but things he was saying unprompted were so validating of my experience and really made me feel like he actually got what i'm dealing with without me having to explain everything (and got it when i said how much of a relief that is), and really validating of pain that so many other doctors and PTs etc just don't get at all, in a way that i honestly really worry negatively affects my care AND makes me worried about what my records look like (especially in the context of SSI tbh). explained HOW different kinds of medications worked which i've never! ever!! in MY LIFE had a doctor do. it was fucking fantastic. he started me on gabapentin, but i feel a lot more confident about it knowing What my other options are if i don't like it, and referred me to an orthotics office for a hip brace. i think the only time i've felt this good about a doctor appointment was the geneticist diagnosing me properly with EDS but that still had a big dark cloud over it of, like, had the DX but he was more DX than treatment so in a lot of ways i was still kind of in a pit.

like for years i've felt like the best case scenario is a doctor who will listen and do what i ask for, but i'm not a doctor, i don't want to have to be fully directing my own care, i don't always know What to ask for, i need some direction, and i feel like i've finally ended up with someone who can give me that

[not-poignant]

would you be comfortable keeping us updated about your health results in the following months ?

Hi anon,

I don't generally update re: my health stuff in any consistent way here. I often have between 80-100+ medical appointments of some kind or other per year and I have too many actively treated/supported health conditions (over 15 -> I have more than this, these are just the ones being actively treated), that like... I'm not making this a health blog. It's a writing blog! Most of the health updates I make are over at the Fae Tales / writing Discord. But even there, I don't update about everything. (Some health stuff is just boring too, like, I'm anemic again? Must be a day ending in Y. Iron infusions are very repetitive, lol).

That being said, I do tend to update with health stuff when it impacts my writing, which is why I've been talking about it more lately, because my writing has absolutely been impacted from some new diagnoses from last November to now, which is really frustrating on a writing level, and also because it can impact my mood and output and readers can notice something's off. December was my lowest wordcount in over two years. And I've only written one chapter this month.

Right now I'm kind of having to force myself to work, because I need the money, so I can't afford to shut down the Patreon for a month or two (which is what I'd normally do in order to give myself a lengthy break), so I'm in the catch 22 of 'too sick to work to my normal levels, too poor to take a break from work to see if that helps because I need a lot of specialist medical stuff and some of it's expensive.' I do still like writing, but given more choice/freedom, I'd be taking time off to process some difficult diagnoses and some abrupt medication changes (I had to stop taking two meds that helped my quality of life and mental health immensely, and immediately onboard to two others that have notorious side effects, and that alone has been a struggle).

Though as a small update - I have 8 medical appointments in the next 10 days (one of those will result in 3 more referrals), and I'm 29 minutes away from leaving to go get my 45 minute head/neck MRI (complete with face cage and gadolinium) to see if my tumours have grown and to see if I've grown any more or if they've since metastasized. I have another MRI next week. The MRIs are thankfully due to Australia's healthcare free at least. But almost none of my other appointments are. I will probably end up having around 15+ medical appointments this month, so we're definitely starting the 80-100+ medical appointments per year off strong this year. x.x

For folks reading this, broadly, this is why there's been delays in responding overall to comments on AO3, why I'm not always getting to asks as soon as I normally do, and why I haven't been as 'chatty' as usual. I still love receiving asks/comments etc. please just be patient with me while I deal with everything. <3333

Er but yeah, tbh a lot of it is quite overwhelming for others. Like, if I actually kept people properly updated, I think some would feel not very happy, especially if they're just here for writing updates! So I try not to make too many 'health posts' unless I'm asked specifically? Anon, you are always welcome to ask for a health update <3 People can always scroll past it.

[subdee]

Do you mind if I ask what medication you are taking for ADHD? I've been taking viloxazine but it keeps me awake for multiple days sometimes. My doctor and I are going to meet and talk about revising the medication. I'm trying to avoid adderall.

Hi anon! I'm not currently taking any medication for ADHD. When I was in grad school I had a methylphenidate prescription, the generic version of Ritalin.

... I also couldn't get the prescription refilled because I did grad school in England and fast-acting stimulants are a schedule II controlled substance there, plus adult ADHD diagnoses weren't really a thing at the time (this was 10 years ago).

So since I only had the limited supply I brought with me I would take it "as needed" to write papers, finish assignments, write my graduate thesis... Basically I was one of those bad people who get a prescription they "don't need" just to get schoolwork done, even though I had been properly evaluated and diagnosed by my regular non pill-pushing doctor before going to the UK.

Maybe it's because I wasn't taking the medication regularly AS medication, but my experience was the same as yours. I had a lot of trouble sleeping, plus I would get a bit, I don't know if manic is the proper word for it, but energized and then crash afterward.... I don't think I've ever been as depressed as I was while prescribed methylphenidate, lol. This would happen with both the quick-release and slow-release pills and actually the slow-release ones were worse because they were at a higher dose.

So my experience with ADHD medication is mixed because on the one hand I did finish my thesis on time and on the other hand it wasn't something I could continue long term, and ultimately I decided to stop taking it and find other ways to focus.

...and also, I decided to not pursue a career in social statistics that would have required a lot of intense focus on solitary projects for long periods of time. Instead I work in an urban high school where we're always in crisis mode and there are immediate consequences if I don't plan my lessons well enough and that motivates me, lol.

It's funny, as a kid I always considered that I had a shorter attention span than others, and also that it was more variable than others and less under my conscious contro (Thinking, Fast and Slow is a good book about this).

But as I've become an (older) adult and settled, and also as more and more people spend more and more time looking at screens -- we were the ONLY family with a desktop computer at home in my neighborhood when I was in middle school -- lately it seems like the average attention span has shortened. And mine is actually fairly long now in comparison. So I don't feel the need to take medication anymore, really.

The non-medication thing that helped me the most, btw, when I was job-hunting after grad school was a project to journal my moods / energy hour by hour throughout the day. Because what I realized was that my main problem was that I didn't **know** how I was feeling, so I couldn't manage my energy by myself by adjusting my schedule, resting when needed, drinking coffee, etc.

Once I gained the magic skill to know and manage my own moods that helped tremendously. And I want to say that the ADHD medication, although I didn't keep using it, really helped with that by exaggerating my attention swings and making them predictable. Not just was it easier to recognize the exaggerated moods, but also I let go of a lot of ideas I'd had about what I "should" be able to do and a lot of moralizing I'd been doing about being a lazy good for nothing, etc. Because how could it be a moral issue or a question of willpower when you could change it with a pill?

For this reason, I think everyone should try a mind-altering or mood-altering drug at some point in their lives, even if they ultimately decide to not take any drugs. I think it gives you empathy for other people whose brains work differently from yours, and a sense of perspective about your own brain.

I'm sure this isn't what you wanted, maybe try asking in a ADHD medication subreddit or on ask.metafilter.com. I think you'd get a lot of interesting advice.

[rebelscaped]

kim jaejoong. nonbinary. he/him. bisexual. ⇝ hey, isn’t that kael kang ( nickname: imugi )? i think that the thirty-one year old from london, england works as the bassist for vain rogues and the ghost orchestra, the tail gunner for the bastards & recpetionist at wrench it (ex-mercenary for the scarlet nightmare), but outside of that people describe them as bruised skin, scraped knuckles and bleeding lips; super distressed denim and torn fabric held together with paperclips and chains; blurred and dazed city lights; chipped black nail polish and smudged eyeliner . i hear they are irritable & standoffish, but they are also known to be dedicated & unconventional. consider giving them a visit at their home in the kingpin trailer park and get to know why they’re called the rebel.

IMPORTANT LINKS: stats. pinterest.

TW:

NOTE: please do not refer to kael as a man! most other masculine terms are okay & he does refer to himself as hana's father/dad. kael himself doesn't really care if he's referred to as a man but he isn't one so please keep this in mind! he's nonbinary with a sort of neutral/androgynous presentation that just happens to lean a little more masc.

BASICS.

Although he doesn't go by it very often at all, Kael's Korean name is Kang Hyunjin. (btw any similarity to a certain kpop idol's name, even the fact the surname reminds, is pure coincidence asdfgh I settled on this as Kael's name not long after I first made him in 2014)

Despite working as tail gunner for the Bastards, Kael isn't actually that passionate about vehicles in general; he does the work because he's good at it and he likes taking shit apart to see how they work. He does like motorbikes specifically and knows quite a lot about them but he has no interest in cars.

Kael has ADHD. Due to his upbringing, this was never diagnosed and it remains unmedicated. He also has pretty severe anxiety and PTSD as a result of his history. These are, again, undiagnosed. He suffers from regular nightmares and has experienced his fair share of panic attacks. He's also had his struggles with depression over the years and deals with a lot survivor's guilt after his best friend's sacrificial death. (note: i don't personally have adhd or ptsd but please trust I've done a lot of research on these things! c': also, i'm autistic & adhd definitely runs in my family so pls know if would never deliberately misrepresent any neurodivergence!)

In general, Kael's health probably leaves a lot to be desired. He smokes, he doesn't sleep properly, he doesn't eat right; overall he doesn't really do much to look out for himself. The only thing that's really improved since Hana came into his care is that he's less inclined to do things that might get him killed. Sort of. He is still a Bastard.

He has a way of coming off very aloof and standoffish and is often written off a nastier person than he actually is. The truth is that he just has a lot of walls built up, as truth does NOT come easily to him, and he has a pretty sarcastic sense of humour. Also, he has kind of a short fuse but this is usually directed towards pretty trivial upsets and, honestly, it's hard to describe him as aggressive. He can be a little volatile but it's more of a quirk than an out-and-out problem. Once you get to know him better, you'll probably figure out that he just has a lot of trust issues AND more energy than he knows what to do with. It explains a lot.

Kael is not just in a punk band for the aesthetics; although his fashion sense is largely just punk-inspired without really fully committing (although he does absolutely dress like he should be in a band), his outlook on life is punk in itself. He's extremely anti-establishment and is very open about his distaste of the rich and powerful; he has been known to use posh as an insult (please know he's not going to dislike someone on a personal level just for being rich, although if someone wealthy does befriend him then there is a good chance he'll make fun of them for it). Ultimately, Kael's politics are driven by empathy and a respect for other humans. Despite his cold and distant exterior, Kael does genuinely care about people.

Kael has a distinct London accent, leaning more towards the East End. It's not especially strong or thick but it's still very much a London accent. (And I mean that it's not especially strong by London standards; he still sounds extremely English.) He's fluent in English and Korean, and conversational in Japanese.

He loves spicy food. Like, really loves it. And he has a high tolerance for it. It's not a problem, even when it makes his eyes water and his nose run. He also has a high tolerance for alcohol. And he's really not afraid of heights. Or danger. It all makes for a pretty reckless person. He is scared of bugs though, ESPECIALLY spiders. And he has very mixed feelings about horses (he doesn't think they should be that big; don't ask).

Kael has a bunch of piercings, mostly ear piercings. He has several in each year and one navel piercing. He has no interest in getting any more. He also has some tattoos, five in total. He hasn't added any for a good few years but he's not against getting more. They're all black ink tattoos without colour and any further tattoos would be in the same vein. Specific locations are; right below his collarbone, his left wrist, above his right hipbone (but below his ribs), between his shoulder blades and down his spine.

THE SCARLET NIGHTMARE

For Kael, life under the Scarlet Nightmare had been all-encompassing. Even at his most subservient, he had a strong need to cling to a sense of personal identity and this meant distancing himself as much as he could from the sorry bastard whose DNA he shared. He's very aware of his status as a clone and has deliberately tried to block out any memories that aren't his own.

Growing up in the facility he'd been sort of a loner, a quiet kid with a knack for getting into fights he never started, but there was one kid just a year older than him who reached out and stuck up for him; he'd always be there to pull Kael up off the cold hard floor of the facility dorm rooms after a fight, always there to help patch up his cuts and scrapes. He'd help Kael lift chin up high any times he started to doubt his place in the world and his role in the Scarlet Nightmare system. They were best friends, inseparable and as close as brothers.

This friend was everything Kael was not. He was bright and open and friendly. He was good at following orders and never felt any urge to bite the hand that fed him and he didn't seem to piss the other kids off the way Kael always did.

Eventually, it was decided that his friend would train to become a Hitman and, shortly after, Kael was assigned the role of Mercenary so, as luck would have it, they were paired together. It was a partnership that would require deep trust and the pair had already demonstrated how well they could work together. They made a perfectly devastating team.

Yet, as time stretched on, Kael's doubts only grew; although this was the only life had ever known, he could feel himself breaking under the weight of it, under the impossible-to-bury guilt of what he'd done. He could have sworn the stench of death clung to him. And, so, he wondered, was he really alive if he was only born to kill? The partnership between the Hitman and Mercenary was beginning to show cracks and, after enough missions had gone awry due to Kael's dwindling confidence, the Mercenary was deemed a liability. Something to be rid of.

The Shadow assigned to take him out failed. They had aimed perfectly, hit their intended target, but they had failed to even touch Kael. Despite his desperate attempts to defend Kael to their handlers and to help Kael pull himself together, his partner had sensed this moment might come. He'd seen the faintest hint of movement in the distance and thrown himself in front of Kael without a moment's hesitation, driving away the spooked Shadow. The bullet pierced his throat and he died, choking on his own blood in Kael's arms.

Kael's world shattered and he lived in a haze for the next while; all those strong feelings of doubt and rebellion had been numbed, and he returned to the Scarlet Nightmare as normal. After he'd switched off his emotions, he was able to return to his previous heights and the higher-ups lost interest in him. But he'd grown clumsy too. He suffered a near-fatal injury during a mission and was put on bed rest. A week of good rest and some time to himself where he could just think was all it took for Kael to come back for himself. There was no other choice. He needed to escape the Scarlet Nightmare, even if it put a target on his back for the rest of his life.

THE REAL WORLD

The transition to normal life was not easy for Kael. No longer having an outlet for his excess energy and recklessness, he did stupid things, illegal things. He got into fights. Almost got arrested a few times. He the first year in particular isolating himself but, as time passed, he was able to find a shitty job and a shitty apartment to live in, even make a few friends. The nightmares never faded. He'd wake in the night, drenched in a cold sweat and haunted by all the awful things he'd done in the name of following orders.

Despite everything, he was able to rekindle a once discouraged love of music. The piano and the guitar were borrowed talents, something the original Kael must have nurtured but he was so enamoured with it that he taught himself more. Learned to play the bass as well. He started writing his own music as an emotional release and began to work the streets as a busker, armed with nothing but a guitar and his voice. At some point along the way, he wound up the bassist for the band, Vain Rogues and the Ghost Orchestra, with whom he'd travel from place to place.

Eventually, he'd meet someone in Busan, South Korea. It had started as a one night stand. By this point, Kael was more than used to these encounters. He'd found a casual comfort in the intimacy of sex with strangers. It wasn't supposed to matter. Except that, this time, it did. They were different. Hyeong Eunji was different. The infatuation brought him back to her again and again, and before long it had changed shape and grown into love instead. He decided to put the band aside for a while, settling in Seoul while he figured himself out and, although he was reluctant to admit it, because he didn't want to leave Eunji behind, even if she always kept him just at arm's length.

Eventually, Eunji leaves. The only notice he receives of this is a letter and a child, Eunji's beloved daughter, Hana. The letter reveals to him the truth that Hana is also his child and that Eunji has left her safety in his hands.He'd known Hana from before and been fond of her but he'd always assumed she was the daughter of some other man. He'd never questioned it. It had never mattered. But it mattered now. All of a sudden, Kael was a father. And he was going to do everything is power to keep his daughter safe while Eunji was on the run.

The fear of being found by Eunji's gang sent Kael back to London for a short time. Hana would begin to attend school there and she picked up on English quickly with Kael's help. Although he didn't have a lot of money and he didn't feel like a particularly good father, Kael loved Hana. Her presence filled a deep void in his life and washed away the loneliness. He still woke up terrified in the night but sometimes she'd appear by his bedside and try to comfort him in the same way he would when she had bad dreams. Soon they would move across the world once more; when Cyrek calls him in for a favour, Kael ups and moves to Anchorage, Alaska with Hana in tow.

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA

Nowadays, Kael lives in a caravan with Hana. He's probably not the most well-equipped father in the world but he's a good and loving father who tries his best to do well by his daughter. He has rejoined the band, taking up the mantle of bassist once more, but that was not what brought him to Anchorage. He'd come all this way to fill a role in the biker gang, the Bastards, where he now works as the Tail Gunner. He's pretty broke, with most of what money he does receive going straight to Hana's care, but he's scraping by and, if nothing else, he's free. The nightmares and the need to keep looking over his shoulder don't sting so bad when you're surrounded by allies.

Kael moved to the town just before the murder of Willow Cho-Iverson and, thanks to the Bastards' implication in that incident, he has not known a day's peace since getting here.

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

Thanks for the reblog!

I'm so glad you have created a safe space for aroace people! We really need more of those.

I do not have a support group or anything because I do not know anyone who is aroace. But my friends are great and even though they don't understand, they're supportive enough and I couldn't ask for better people in my life.

Anyway, this blog is awesome because I'm always looking for a way to vent. I blabber to my friends all the time even if they're not listening, but I'm seizing this opportunity lol. So here I go (and this goes without saying, but I'm sorry because this is gonna be kinda long probably)...

So I'm a female Indian and I'm Muslim which basically means arranged marriages are a thing and that getting married in your early 20s is also a thing. So if you're a girl, most times the moment you turn 18 or maybe even before that, your family will start looking for a suitable groom for you. Some families value education and so they let the girls study and at least complete their degree. And if you're lucky, the family you're married into also values education and financial independence and will let you continue your studies or work. But not everyone is that lucky. Sometimes even if your in-laws are supportive, your husband might not be, and will stop you from studying or doing something you love.

The maximum age you can be unmarried as an Indian Muslim woman is around 25. And getting till 25 unmarried is very rare. So unmarried women above the age of 25 are even rarer. All the Muslim spinsters are either widows or divorced. Getting married is not a choice here, it's a part of life.

Most people know of the LGBTQ community here. India is not in any way progressive when it comes to the community, since it's only recently being gay stopped being a crime here. Culture and tradition is considered very important and most beliefs are rooted in religion, whatever the religion may be. So homophobia and transphobia is rampant. But the general population is aware of the existence of gay and trans people. Very few of them might now about the existence of aromanticism and asexuality. The idea of wanting to be single and/or celibate is foreign to them. And my family belongs to that group of people (that took a turn eh?)

My family is what I would like to call a semi conservative family. They are religious enough to push us to learn the holy book and pray regularly and follow religious teachings but not that much that they force us to do things that are not compulsory or whatever. They value education and freedom of choice and are not stuck in the past (which unfortunately cannot be said about most Indian families).

My mother actually got married when she was 24 and after completing her degree, which is surprising to me because that can be seen as progressive as it was rare at the time.

So yeah, I'm lucky to be part of a family like this. They're understanding, more than I think they are, but obviously I'm scared because I do not know how much that understanding extends.

I am 22 right now and mentally ill. I have been from the age of 14 or so. I haven't been diagnosed properly but I started therapy last year and my current therapist called my condition high-functioning depression which basically means that I function well enough in society but am depressed. It's apparently something most celebrities have.

My journey with mental illness is a long and exhausting one and it's still not going steady, but what I would like to mention is that what prompted me to take the big step that is therapy after many years was an event...the wedding engagement of my best friend.

My best friend and I have been friends from kindergarten. We were neighbours and classmates and our families are also very close. The news of her engagement shocked me (maybe not as much it shocked her though. It was a very sudden engagement. But she's happy and in love now and I'm happy for her.) and it made warning bells go off in my head. I suddenly felt like I was running out of time. And since I'm scared of getting married and obviously haven't come out to my parents or told them or even ever implied that I wasn't into the idea of marriage, that fear of getting married in the near future pushed me into getting therapy. It was an on and off thing for a while. Me and my first therapist did get somewhere and I'd made some progress before I was back in square one. But I have many underlying and standing issues that I never really got a chance to talk to her about marriage or any of that stuff. I have a new therapist now and I haven't talked to her about it either, I've only mentioned not wanting to get married in passing. I think it's because I know nothing I say will change the fact that I haven't told my parents and thus my future will not change or become closer to the one I have envisioned.

I am now doing a post graduate degree and I will complete it next year, after I turn 23. I don't think my family has actively started looking for proposals but they are open to accepting good ones. I have no hand in this, not right now at least. After my graduation, I will. I will be expected to look pretty and pose and look through proposals and all that shit. It sounds like torture. I've heard enough stories to know it's not a fun process.

I really want to tell my parents because if it means I have to live the rest of my life miserable, then at least I'd have spoken my truth, but I keep waiting for the right time but I've realised there is no right time, there is only a wrong time and that is when they start actively looking for a poor chap who'll want to marry me. I'm just so scared because I'm pretty sure I know what they'll say. They'll either say something along the lines of "you're just lazy and/or unprepared and/or scared" and "that is not even an option. It is compulsory (not true btw)/encouraged in Islam to get married. You will lose your ways and go astray and get into haram (Islamically) unlawful romantic/sexual relationships". Worst case scenario is that I stand my ground and refuse to get married and they'll lock me up or send me off to a mental hospital or just disown me or something. Best case scenario is they agree to not marry me off but insist I become an Islamic nun or something (which I'm not completely against. But I'm not deeply religious enough to devote my whole life to being an Islamic teacher or missionary or whatever. I will and want to do it along with whatever job I get).

Of course, there is a chance it'll not go anything like this and go in a completely different direction I didn't even think of but i seriously doubt it. You see, even if my parents are supportive of my decision to not get married, pressure from the rest of the family and societal pressure will be really strong, that even if they hold on for a while, they'll break eventually.

Now say it will go my way and I get to be a happy (or trying to be happy) spinster, then I will become the talk of the town and considered an outcast. It will not be easy attending gatherings and my family will get the brunt of it, especially my parents. Gossip is after all very destructive.

I could cut off my family after becoming financially independent but I have never even considered that an option. I love my family and I owe them a lot and I would and could never cut them off from my life (assuming that it even is possible. It's not very easy to do that here.)

So I'm stuck and this has been a burden that I've been carrying around for a while now. I knew I didn't want anything to do with romantic relationships from when I was 14 or something but then after I realised I had really low self esteem, I realised that might be why I wasn't interested in being in a romantic relationship but I have thought long and hard about it and I have come to the conclusion (one of many) that it's just something that I do not want for myself.

It had always been at the back of my mind though but this has become a more immediate worry as I'm running out of time, and so I panic every now and then when my thoughts wander and I think about the future. It's getting exhausting being so unsure of something like marriage when I'm also worried about finding a stable career and just surviving because even that is a huge question mark for me when I think about the future.

And that's that. Sorry for any typos/grammar errors! (I'm too lazy to proof read this 😅, not that that proofreading would help 😛)

I should probably go to sleep now. If you read all of that, thank you so much. It really means a lot.

Hey there! I’m glad you found a good place to vent and I hope you find happiness and love (platonic) where ever you go in life!

I honestly don’t really know what to say but I’m here for you! You sound like an incredible person and I know you’ll do well in life <3

Stay amazing and stay safe, remember no matter what happens we are all here for you and you are always valid!! <33

[graylinesspam]

I guess I feel like stirring the pot tonight but I'm gonna actually put my two cents into this "tiktokification of autism" debate for a second. I'm gonna need everyone on this, the "we piss on the poor", website to take a fuckin breath.

In psychology there's this pretty simply concept they teach you in the 'intro to' class which is that when it comes to hereditary mental conditions if you carry the genes for a condition it's probably going to affect you a little bit, even if it is not a diagnose-able amount.

As a personal example My own great grandfather has Bipolar disorder and has been medicated for it for longer than I have been alive. As a result all of his children were very familiar with the symptoms and were quick to point out when each other was displaying or describing symptoms of that disorder in their own live. That stuck around for my mothers generation and now my own as well. None of his children have been diagnosed with the condition because they do not display these symptoms with a consistency or extreme that hinders their ability to live their day to day life. A couple of aunts have chosen to go on mood stabilizers because it makes their lives more enjoyable to live without the riding the emotional ups and downs. Which yes, many of us experience hormonal based emotional roller coasters that dictate whether or not we're capable of experiencing positive or negative emotions but those symptoms are so mild that they are not considered diagnose-able.

Where as pawpaw (who was diagnosed) had huge mood swings that would leave him so manic he destroyed the brick divider wall in their kitchen to open the space up one random day, followed by a week where he wouldn't even sit up in bed to take a sip of water. His children's experiences were more periods of increased confidence followed by periods of malaise.

The criteria for having a condition diagnosed is that it has to cause persistent and significant interference with your ability to live your life.

Now if you've followed me through that rant then listen to this one. Tiktok (and i am not advocating for that app lets keep it neutral) by it's very nature is an app that relies on quick reading and comprehension. Those videos aren't going to hold you're hand through explaining what they mean, you just need to figure it the fuck out using things like common sense.

So if you see a video where an autistic person is sharing the less irritating and sort of funny trait of their condition and it's something that "everybody experiences" or something that's totally "not" a symptoms of autism, maybe instead of immediately rolling your eyes at it why don't you take a minute to ask yourself if it actually is tho?

like sure not everyone who puts on music while they clean has autism, but ask yourself what if that trait did fit the diagnostic criteria, what would that look like? Because for me it meant that I literally got fired for a cleaning service job for smuggling my phone with me because despite being very competent at cleaning I physically could not do it without listening to music. I'm not talking about it was too boring or I just had a bad time at it. I mean I literally forgot how to clean a toilet and ended up having a crying meltdown at lunch after only getting through two rooms because I needed my music in order for my brain to function properly. I'd call that having a significant effect on my ability to live my life.

Maybe not everyone who has a specific hobby they keep up with for years is autistic, but the people whose hobbies consume them, leaving room for less of other experiences in their lives? the ones who buy too much merch and watch the content over and over and don't pick up new material? the ones who maladaptive daydream to the point of it interrupting their real life experiences, or have periods where they actually wish they could think about anything else? And also maybe the same kinds of fandoms attract those autistic people.

so next time you see a video about "if you were obsessed with these fandoms growing up then you might be autistic" maybe think about what the word obsessed might mean to an autistic person (whose has very literal and black and white thinking). Because assuming that they mean the most bland fucking vague horoscope version of a behavior or experience they're describing is exactly where you'll go wrong.

Btw, this is a good scale to use when wondering if you should get something mental or physical diagnosed.