#also just like my post I made three years ago I keep getting distracted by the pretty outfits

[aesthetic-uni]

I’m trying to get back into reading webtoons, because my ability to consume media has hit an all time low, and so I’m rereading The Remarried Empress, and I have only one thing to add since rereading it

McKenna may not be the main character but he’s the main character of my heart <3

[perdidosbucky-yyo]

𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛

Pairing: Exotic Dancer!Bucky Barnes x Plus Size!Reader (no mention of gender or ethnicity)

Summary: Hi, you've reached [your name]. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message after the beep!

w/c: 3.7k

warnings: cheating (on reader), lots of cursing, smoking, heavy drinking, weed smoking, body image issues (I'm sorry), this is a smutty fic (but there’s no smut), dry humping. Please let me know if I missed anything <3

a/n: This is the first fic I've posted in years lmao, I'm a bit rusty, but omfg I enjoyed writing this so much, it's very self-indulgent hehe I hope you love it just as much as I do.

this is not beta'd, any and all mistakes are my own.

Likes, comments and reblogs are deeply encouraged🥺

7:51 PM

“Baby please, You know I’m an idiot…she means nothing” Jake whined through the phone. 

As of 5 hours ago, he became your ex but kept on calling you, each call pleading for your forgiveness and saying the same stupid excuse “I felt you pulling away, what was I supp-”

Before you could interrupt him yourself, your best friend and roommate took your phone “Listen closely you little shit, if you don’t stop calling I’ll personally chop off your balls, fry’em up and feed them to your mother in a fucking salad… it’s Wanda by the way” she huffs as she hands you back the phone, “Colorful” you grimace.

Shoving you inside the car, with you and Wanda on the back, Bruce behind the wheel and Tony as co-pilot, “Why do you even answer his calls?” Tony asks while Wanda lights up a Marlboro, and gives you a drag “Because I want to tell him to go fuck himself… I- I just can’t seem to find the right words”, “That seems right” Wanda quips and you roll your eyes, “Don’t worry you’ll find the words when the time’s right” Bruce adds, “Dr. Banner is right, tonight is all about getting shit-faced” Tony adds.

You all clap and turn up the volume to the perfect song “I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know” Wanda sings, the wind on her face, while Bruce shouts “WE LOVE YOU MADONNA”. 

They were right, fuck Jack, tonight you wanted to let go, you weren’t one for parties or clubbing but you couldn’t stay at home feeling sorry for yourself, partying with your friends seemed like the perfect distraction “LET’S FUCKING GO” you shouted at the top of your lungs.

9:05 PM

“The Hush-Hush Hideaway?” you laughed as you finished your first beer after two cherry vodka shots, sounds like a place where 50 year olds would come to have an affair, “Alright, alright before you keep on talking trash, there is more eye to meet” Tony argues, to that Wanda snorts “are you seriously drunk right now? after three piña coladas?”, Bruce laughs “they’re stronger than they look” Tony defends himself as he stands up, signaling you all to head to the dance floor.

You honestly loved the place, the lighting was incredible, the atmosphere was hot pink with hints of dark red and deep purple, the ceiling was decorated with hundreds of disco balls shining down on you, the bar had tables so crystalline and so red, it looked like solidified blood,  each one surrounded by the comfiest leather couches. There was also the dance floor which you were dancing on now, it had the perfect stage for dancers or any kind of show, the whole place had the perfect mix of chic and urban.

10:39 PM

“This round’s on me” Tony shouts over the loud music as he hands you what would probably be your 5th drink, stumbling around as you danced to a song that suddenly became your favorite, as you downed the liquid gold you took Tony’s hand and started giving him a lap dance of some sorts which made everyone laugh along with you. 

And then everything went pitch black, for 5 seconds the music was over, lights were out, for a moment you thought you passed out but then a huge white light shone straight into the middle of the stage, “Girls Gays and Theys!” a deep voice over the microphone started, “is this a gay bar?” Bruce genuinely chimed in, making you giggle.

“Tonight we encourage you to let that wild side of yours out! Please give a warm welcome to The White Wolf” the voice cheered with excitement and the crowd roared and cheered back, “he must be really good looking” you sassed, and in that moment, red ropes descended.

Not a second later a man dressed in a kevlar suit swirled down as if swimming in the red fabric, wrapping himself in a cocoon in the air so the next second he rolled down to the stage, the top of his leathery suit gone, leaving his gorgeous toned abdomen exposed making the crowd go wild. The lights enhanced his beautiful body. “D-does he have glitter on?!” Tony shouted in awe, everyone absolutely going crazy over this tall, brown-haired, thick oh so fucking thick specimen.

On the other hand, you were finding breathing a difficult task, especially because his eyes were trained on yours, maybe it was the several drinks in your system or the empowering song that heightened everything, but his stare was intense, the ice blue of his eyes chilled your spine and for a moment you thought he was going to stop the show, come down and rip your clothes off… yeah you definitely felt tipsy now.

This man knew the power he held, not only was he drop-dead gorgeous, he had autonomy of every nerve and every muscle on his body, your heart and pussy were practically pulsing as you watched him dance. The magic was broken when you felt your phone ring in your pocket, taking it out, you saw it was Jake calling AGAIN, you knew your friends would tell you not to pick up, but part of you wanted to hear him out and scream at him, you didn’t know which one you were going to do.

Leaving the dance floor and heading to the bathrooms where you hoped it’d be quieter, you swipe to the green bubble “Please please forgive me” is the first thing the man says, making you sigh in frustration “S-top stop saying you’re sorry” but it’s like talking to a wall, you’re not even sure he heard you because he just keeps on whining. 

??:??

You don’t know how much time you spent listening to him in the bathroom but eventually, you give up and hang up on him, splashing some fresh water in your neck you exit the room and bump into a rock-hard wall, but then unexpectedly the wall starts talking and you think maybe it’s not a wall.

“it was rude to bail” a grave voice rumbles in your ear through all of the noise, looking up you see it’s the white wolf, making you almost choke on air, but you were quick enough to react and raise an eyebrow in response “sorry?”.

Without even noticing, the man had cornered you into a wall “Don’t apologize, you can make it up to me” he said with a wild smile, “oh he’s good” you thought, then he looked at you as if he read your mind, “you look like someone in desperate need to have some fun… let me give you a hand” he whispered, his confidence made you forget he was a stranger, and oddly enough it felt like you knew him perfectly, the thought of spending your night with him made you shudder.

Taking out what looked like a big fat blunt from one of his pockets, he dragged the little bundle of joy from your exposed thighs, up your arms, slowly passing through your neck, and finally grazing your soft lips, his eyes never once leaving yours, he leaned in and the smell of cedarwood with a touch of french vanilla made your eyes roll.

Man, you’re really not keeping your cool, but he’s too beautiful for you to care, you might as well pucker your lips, but then he backs away, taking your hand and leading you to the backdoor between the kitchens. The sound of music and people dancing start to disappear until it’s muffled, “are we allowed in here?” you laugh as he lights up the joint and takes a big gulp, your heart pounds with excitement, this is exactly what you needed.

Your inner demons whispered that he really wasn’t interested in you, he looked like he was sculptured by frigging Michelangelo, he’d never want to be with someone as big as you, plus you felt sweaty from dancing most of the night, but honestly, it was more about the nerves you felt around him, but just as easy as the negative thoughts came, he batted them away with a single kiss to your cheek, near enough to the corner of your lips “lost you there for a sec” he teased.

As he handed you the joint, you took it with hesitance, “I usually don’t take marihuana from strangers, you got a name or does everyone call you the white wolf?” you teased, carefully eyeing him, realizing that he was still shirtless unconsciously making you bite your lip.

A lazy smile spread on his face “Waddaya mean you don’t know me? Pfft I’m your latest conquest”, it threw you off but he looked so sincere it made the butterflies in your stomach dance, “I’m Bucky” he laughed, he was so at ease with that pretty smile you couldn’t do anything but swoon.

Taking a drag of the blunt you breathe out the smoke through your nose as you offer him your name in return,  not wasting a second he repeats it, slowly, maybe he was high but it seemed as though he enjoyed the sound of your name on his tongue, he savored it, your legs pressed against each other and you had to take another drag so not to seem desperate as you were for him.

He might be a stranger but deep down you felt unbelievable attraction, in less than 10 minutes of knowing him he made you feel powerful, and free, like maybe in a past life or somethin’ he was your soulmate… Pfft, you wanted to crack up at your own thoughts, somehow Bucky knew and started laughing, slowly leaning into you and crashing his lips with yours, it was sloppy but fuck you’d never been kissed like that, it was passionate, you felt wanted, right then and there you were ready and willing to let him swoop you off your feet.

12:59 AM 

Bucky was showing you his best moves, his calloused hands gripped and groped your body as you both swayed your hips against each other perfectly in sync.

He was so smooth, the fogginess of the joint rumbled through your body, each touch, every one of his strokes felt like a wave, you were floating in a sea of music and his scent, nothing was wrong with the world, nothing could harm you because he was right behind you, worshipping you, telling you how he loved the feel of every roll and every curve, you couldn’t help but smile and he couldn’t help but kiss that beautiful smile.

Not long after your friends found you and you introduced them to the dancer who blew their minds, some of his friends joined you, and not long after you were the life of the party, shots and blunts came pouring, and just like you wanted you became one with bucky, you didn’t know where you began or where he ended, pain and misery were a strange and unknown concept tonight.

1:55 AM

Wanda had to drag you away from Bucky to chat with you a bit, she couldn’t hide that grin even if she tried “Dude I don’t even recognize you right now” you laugh with her knowing very well what she means, squeezing her wrist you stop the urge to squeal, “I don’t know how this happened but fuck he’s just so pretty I wanna cry” you both giggle, understanding the Rachel Green reference. 

Turning to see Bucky you caught him already watching you, it looked like he was chatting with his friends but he wouldn’t look away from you, you realized he was waiting for you, and honestly you were eager to return to his embrace and intoxicating scent “Fuck Jack, you have men waiting in line” Wanda practically shouts as she pushes you back to the dance floor.

2:12 AM

After a while your social battery was low and you needed a break, so now you leaned against the wall in the back alley of the bar, a cigarette lit, resting on your fingertips as you recalled the events that brought you here tonight.

You didn’t blame Wanda for reminding you of Jake and what he did, after all, she was just hyping you, but now your mind was plagued, you memorized with detail how you found them, as some sort of self-punishment, why? you didn’t know, after years of therapy, you were still trying to unlearn self-deprecating thoughts that your family and society shoved in your face.

Jake cheating on you with a leggy blonde who was quite literally a Victoria's Secret model was a kick to your stomach, it made you realize that maybe every bad thought you had about yourself was true, and that was terrifying… 

Realizing that the cigarette burned itself out, you stepped on it, but before you could come back inside Bucky opened the door and grinned “There you are, was worried I spooked ya”, to that you chuckled, somehow the laws of social battery didn’t apply to the handsome trapeze dancer “Never”.

Stepping outside and standing next to you, he takes your hand and starts playing with your fingers “What’s got my sweet doll so down?”, you expected the pet name to make you cringe but instead swooned. Lighting another cigarette you take a drag and blow it on his face, and he just bites the smoke, making you giggle, after a beat of silence you show him your heart.

“About… 11 hours ago, my boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend, cheated on me” you sigh, trying with all your might not to shed a single fucking tear, Jake didn’t deserve them, “Gimme his address” he deadpans, a look so deadly in his eyes, that spark was almost snuffed, but just as quickly his attitude changed, “I’ll kill 'im with my bare hands, I’LL FUCKING KILL ’IM” he shouts with foux determination, making wild animal noises that are making you laugh so hard you can’t breathe “you’re not funny” you say out of breath.

His thumb cleans away a single runaway tear, his touch is so gentle at first you’re not even sure he’s holding you, he’s so close you feel his breath on your cheek and his nose caressing your skin oh so lightly, “you’re dreaming”, you think incredulously. 

In a second his touch becomes rough as he grips your face with both his hands, holding you still so you can’t look anywhere but his eyes, “he’s a fucking moron” he spits out, almost insulted, “and I don’t mean a jerk or plain stupid, I mean he’s missing some fucking brain cells to let go of someone so insanely beautiful as you”.

Your heart’s pounding in your ears, you’re about to explain but he cuts you off “And I don’t even need to know him, to be sure of what I’m telling you right now” he scoffs,  “Hell, I don’t even have to know you to be sure, in the very short time I’ve known you, you’ve been everything” bucky almost can’t believe he’s saying this to you, suddenly the tension is palpable and neither of you can breathe… 

“You’re driving me insane” is the last thing he says before pushing you against the wall, with a grunt he grips your waist and your lips crash with his, in a fight for dominance your tongues swirl, it’s as if Jake or any other man never existed, washed away by the ocean that is Bucky. 

You loved how vocal he was being, he moaned into the kiss as you practically humped him, he bit your swollen lips as a warning to slow down but it only turned you on more. You could feel your hardened nipples rub against his chest, and it drove both of you nuts, with all his strength he pulled away, leaving you dizzy and pulling him for more, he’s never wanted anyone the way he wants you but he would never have sex with someone so drunk, even if that person begged as nicely as you were right now.

He laughs as you start leaving hot open kisses throughout his neck and jaw purring like a cat, “Bucky please” you mewled, asking him for more, his hand flew to grasp your hair in a tight grip, nibbling on your skin as he reached your ear “We aren’t doing anything except kissing the fuck out of each other doll” he whispered.

You made for a grab to his groin but he was able to take your hand and hold it above your head “I want you nice and sober when I get you to cream on my cock”, he groans as you make a final attempt to lure him in, but you know he’s right, so you huff in defeat, a pout on display to make your feelings known, “baby doll what’s wrong? you look flushed” he teases as you gasp in faux offense.

3:45 AM

The bar kicked everyone out but you still had some party left in you and apparently, so did Bucky because he’s already got you piggyback riding him to his car, you said goodbye to your friends assuring them you trusted Bucky, his place was less than 10 minutes away and you’d send them your location. 

Once you got to the car Bucky stopped in his tracks, “we’re drunk and high as hell” he stated, and like a bucket of iced water you realized he was right “Accurate statement” you snort, carefully dropping you on the ground he swiftly turned to face you “so we should… perhaps, maybe take a cab” he goofs around as he steals small kisses form you “or we can walk? your place’s near right?” you reply, everyone was already gone to ask for a ride but he liked the idea of having some alone time with you, so,  he picked you up and placed you on his back “To the Batcave!” he runs as you hold onto him as tight as you could.

4:05 AM

You peacefully walked on the side of the street as cars passed by, one thing that you loved about walking at night was the lack of noise, the night wasn’t completely quiet, you could still hear the cars in the distance, people coming in and out of bars or whatever, the breeze was the perfect temperature and the city lights of New York were shone beautifully.

Hand in hand you walked with your latest conquest as he so eloquently put it, conversation flowing, “I got cheated on once, it fucking sucks” You both laughed at the obvious statement “I thought we were going steady and she got bored” he shrugged, “it was a while ago, but it definitely messed with my head” he whispered as he squeezed your hand, it brought him comfort and you as well. 

“You know what’s fucking hilarious though? I was planning on breaking up with him…ok don’t judge me” you laughed, “but I just stayed with him because it was easier to stay in a mediocre relationship than actually fight for my happiness…plus he had a hot tub” you felt stupid for saying it, but he didn’t judge you, his face remained the same, attentive.

Bucky took your hand and kissed each one of your knuckles “I got a really nice bathtub” he murmured into your skin with a smirk, your heart fluttered to what he implied so you jumped and kissed his cheek, holding onto his arm for dear life, content with how the day turned out.

4:38 AM

After smoking yet another joint together you were now straddling your dancer’s lap on his bathtub “It really is a nice bathtub” You grinned between kisses and he laughed, his hands roaming your soft skin under your clothes, you were heaven on earth he kept thinking, he was about to kiss you again but was interrupted by your phone ringing, which made both of you sigh in frustration.

You knew who it was, Jake had been calling over and over for the last 20 minutes and Bucky had enough of the bastard, “Answer him” he ordered, to which you raised an eyebrow “I- can’t I- seriously?” you say almost shocked “You know what you wanna say to him, so say it” he encouraged with a soft smile.

Without thinking twice you pick up, “Finally! what took you so long to pick up?” Jake barks, you have the phone on speaker so Bucky could listen, and he already hated how the jerk talked to you, making him grip your waist with possessiveness.

“What do you want?” you ask almost uninterested, “Baby please forgive me” he cries as if you could ever believe anything he said to you, “I’m so so fucking sorry, what else do you want me to say?!”, to that you let out an unamused laugh “just stop fucking saying you’re sorry, time to put on your big boy pants and take responsibility” you snark, which oddly, turns on bucky beyond belief.

Like a magnet, his lips start leaving love bites on your neck, making you gulp, “Babe let’s be honest, in a month you’ll be begging me to get back together, we both know you need someone to take care of you, you can’t be alone, you need me” he says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, and then you really were done with his bullshit.

“Listen closely you fucktard, stop saying you’re sorry, stop begging me to forgive you, you were a waste of my time and the only reason I didn’t break up with you sooner was because it was convenient for me to stay with your sorry ass” you bark.

You could keep going but now Bucky was humming against your pulse, finding it incredibly hot how you stood up for yourself, he peppered you with hot open kisses that made your mind even fuzzier than the weed, “And I can take care of myself ass” you hiss in delight, it was meant to be an insult but Bucky was making you feel so good…

“Fucking drop that call”, bucky growled into your neck loud enough to be heard over the phone, then sunk his teeth into your soft skin, making you moan, unintentionally into the phone, before dropping it and gripping Bucky’s hair for support as you rubbed against the bulge on his pants “Fuck I can’t wait to make you mine” he moaned, dreaming of all the possibilities, of everything he wanted to do with and to you.

Despite the chills you felt down your spine, despite feeling exactly the same way, you laugh, “Honey… do you think it’s gonna be that easy?” you coo, drunk in power, you devour his perfect pink lips.

[allysafantasy]

One of Lady Sneasler's kittens decided to say hi to the scared Zorua. Gem, the Sneasel, is happy to see a new friend. Out of the three Sneasels, Gem is gentle in how he interacts with Zorua. Although Zorua is still scared of Gem, it's a good thing that he didn't run away.

Ingo is happy that Zorua can at least interact with one of the poisonous kittens. Meanwhile, it seems like Emmet's Zorua is causing trouble.

Emmet has to deal with the shenanigans of his Zorua for a few months after taking it in seven years ago. Ingo has been missing for 8 years. This has made Emmet depressed, and he tries his best not to dwell on it. Since the first year of Ingo's disappearance, Emmet has been trying to keep their apartment clean to distract himself. He'd rather avoid facing the reality of Ingo's absence, although he knows it's just avoiding the truth. He values truth but in this case this truth, he thinks it's false. He doesn't want to be as idealistic as Ingo, but sometimes he wishes for a miracle to bring Ingo back or at least provide a reason for his disappearance. Then he met Zorua, which, although Emmet does not like the shenanigans that Zorua gets up to, it unintentionally made him feel a bit better which is what Zorua wanted. After meeting Emmet, Zorua just wants to make Emmet happy, even if making small mischief is enough to at least make him not think about bad stuff. Zorua has a simple, idealistic goal: to make everyone happy and distract them from negative thoughts.

Last Post

Anyway, I had fun making this art. Though, the Emmet art just makes me not wanna want to draw background characters but I remembered I made Pokemon Designs for my ocs so I made them into background characters. So, Lets just say they just wanna visit Unova or something. Also this is the first time of me trying to make a comic. I don't know how to comic so I don't mind any criticism. (especially with grammar pls help) Anyway, I've been working on this animation. If you have heard the song and poses uh. yeah I'm just showing the frames of it.

Edit: I finally have a name for this AU and its in the tag

[dinsdjrn]

gone from austin | j. miller | part three

brothers best friend!pre-outbreak!joel x f!reader

summary: Joel Miller: the one that got away; right person, wrong time. Now you’re back in Austin and it hurts just as bad, as if you’d never left five years ago

warnings: 18+ Minors DNI, no use of y/n, alcohol consumption, light angst.

a/n: well i've only tried to write this three times, not loving it but anyways posting it to get it out there.

prev part | next part || series masterlist | main masterlist

Part Three | June 2002

I took my love, I took it down. 

It felt weird to be in your scrubs again, weird but good. You hadn’t accepted any full time work, just a locum position at the children’s hospital in South Austin. They had brought up full time hours and you had politely declined. You wish you could have claimed leave indefinitely, but E.I. doesn’t take ‘ accidentally ruined my personal life’ as a claim sadly. 

Casual work was good though, it meant you could buy your own groceries and help Jake and Kels here and there. It also distracted you from your grief; grief of the lives you could have had that slipped away from you. It had occurred to you that you were most likely at fault for your own misfortune, it's happened twice now that your life has blown up just fantastically. You faced the music and accepted that the common denominator both times was you, and in time you would continue to do what you did best, run. 

You didn’t focus on your own personal anguish for long, there were treatments to be ordered and patients to be seen. It felt good to work your twelve and then go home, satisfied with your work. You had even begun to make friends with some of the other doctors and nurses in the emergency department. They knew you weren’t a permanent fixture, but it still felt good to meet new people and have more of a circle that exceeded your brother and his buddies in Austin.

Toward the end of your shift you were desperately looking forward to a nap. You were used to a bit more of a schedule in day surgery, consulting in emergency was pure and utter chaos. The shifts went by fast and left you feeling the good kind of tired at the end of the day. 

You were just finishing up your shift, typing out the last few notes for your patient's medical records when your cell started buzzing on the desk.

“Hello?” you answered. 

“Hey!” Kelseys voice sounded on the other end of line. 

“Hey, is everything alright? I’m just finishing up at work. I’ll be home in an hour or so, just depends on the bus.” 

“Uh, yeah! I just wanted to see if you had any plans after work.” 

“Uh-“ you thought about a small white lie. Knowing Kels was about to convince you to do something. 

“No, I was just going to go to bed.” You admitted. 

“Okay,  well I’m going to pick you up from work and we are going out tonight,” She said excitedly.

“Kels…” You warned. 

“C’mon! It will be just like old times, I promised Tommy I’d convince you to go. Sarah’s gone to her friend's house for the night and Jake and Tommy wanted to get everyone to Gus’ Pub. Just like old times,” 

You sighed, Gus’ was your favourite back in the ‘90s they always had the best atmosphere. You had made yourselves somewhat regulars in college. 

“Ugh, I was really looking forward to going to bed.” You grumbled.

“That’s not no, so I’ll pick you up in thirty!” She said excitedly, hanging up before you could protest. 

You leaned back in your chair letting your head fall backward as you sighed, groaning toward the end. You loved Jake and Kelsey, you appreciate everything they’ve done for you, but you had a sneaking suspicion Kelsey was doing everything in her power to keep you here. To remind you of the love that you once felt for the city and the people in it.

You stood from the desk in the doctors lounge and made your way to your cubby. You had come to work in jeans and a T-shirt that would be more than fine for Gus’. You changed out of the soiled scrubs throwing them in the laundry bag and tried to fix your post-dayshift hair. 

You placed your beeper in the storage bin and made your way out of the building waiting for Kels to arrive. You liked that you could finish a twelve hour shift and still have daylight pushing the horizon at nearly nine at night. 

By the time you had arrived at the bar Jake and Tommy had clearly started the party without you. Joel was laughing at their shenanigans from the bar stool you’re sure he claimed as soon as they’d arrived. 

“God damn it, Tommy. Don’t you have anything better to do than be a complete jackass,” You heard Joel scold his brother. 

Tommy and Jake laughed at the outburst, Tommy smiling and tipping his beer in Joel’s direction.

“Where’s your sense of humor, old man,” Tommy teased. 

“Well shit, look who showed up!” Tommy drawled as you and Kels approached them. 

“Alright, soldier boy, I told you not to start without us,” Kelsey rolled her eyes at the younger Miller brother. 

You smiled at the four of them, they fell so easily into a dynamic. As much as you tried not to feel like an outsider, you were, you chose to make yourself one. So you would watch Jake hug Kels from behind as he, Joel and Tommy shot the shit. You nursed a beer in the stool next to Joel, keeping to yourself. It stung to feel like an outsider where you were once welcome, but you smiled politely and tried to look engaged. 

As the night continued you watched Kelsey pull Jake to the dance floor and Tommy flirt with a bachelorette party that had waltzed in shortly after eleven. You and Joel sat in a bit of an awkward silence unsure what to say to one another. 

Your last conversation had left a sour taste in your mouth, but it wasn’t cause to be blatantly rude to him. 

“So,” he stared awkwardly. 

“So,” you responded without much more enthusiasm. 

“Jake said you were back workin’ again.” 

“Uh, yeah, just casually while I get my shit together.” 

“Saint David’s?” He asked.

“No, No. I’m at the Dell Children’s now,” You smiled. 

He looked at you confused. You had once gone on a rant wishing Dell had a surgical ward that expanded beyond emergency medicine so you could work at your alma mater. You’re surprised he remembered such a small detail, at least you think that was the source of his confusion. 

“I’m in the emergency department, surgical consulting,” you clarified. 

“Ah,” he said, clearly nodding along without fully understanding.

“How’s the contracting business going?” You asked. 

“Other than Tommy being a pain in my ass, it’s been a’right. Work puts food on the table, can’t complain.” 

Another awkward silence fell between you. 

“So, when are you heading back to Toronto? Once you get your shit together?” 

“Never, if I get it together correctly.” 

“Oh damn, sorry, Jake told me some shit happened. I was jus-” he said looking at you apologetically. 

“It’s okay, Joel. You can always buy me another drink as an apology,” you teased. 

Joel waved the bartender over and out two more beers on his tab. 

You laughed telling him he didn’t actually have to do it, but he insisted. 

You began to fall into a comfortable conversation, talking about surface level topics, but it wasn’t awkward by any means. One of you just had to bring something up by accident to break the tension. The drinks helped lighten the mood as well. 

You weren’t sure how long you and Joel were in your own little world for before Kelsey came and pulled you onto the dance floor. 

It was so nice though to have a normal conversation with Joel, to feel less like you were at odds and more just trying to figure each other out again. So much has changed in five years and neither of you were sure where to start. Now that you started again, maybe you could relearn what it meant to be friends. 

It was nearing midnight and you were tired from dancing with Kelsey and Tommy. Joel and Jake had been hanging out at the bar when the new Dixie Chicks cover of Landslide came over the speakers. You can see Joel’s eye roll from where you’re standing, you walked toward the two men. Kelsey pulled Jake onto the floor for a dance. 

You didn’t want to make things awkward for Joel so you started singing along poorly, you grabbed his hand and spun yourself around. He chuckled at the gesture. You both looked down the bar to see Tommy sweet talking to one of the bridesmaids from earlier. 

“It is just us Miller, may as well enjoy the song!” You laughed. He shook his head at you.  

“ Time makes you bolder, even children get older, ” You continued to sing along poorly, Joel took another swig of beer and crossed his arms laughing at you. 

“C’mon old man, it’s a classic!” You laughed, grabbing his hand trying to pull him off the bar stool. 

“No, the classic involves Fleetwood Mac, this is a rip off, darlin’,” You rolled your eyes at him. 

“Ever the critic, Joel Miller.”

It was nice to be able to dance and laugh like this again. It had been months since you felt any semblance of normalcy. Yet here you were shooting the shit with Joel, enjoying yourself, and for once it felt like everything was going to turn out alright.

Joel did stand and smile at you for the last course as he swayed along with you. As the song came to an end Jake and Kelsey made their way back to you. 

“Alright, I’ll be back in a sec,” Joel said, placing his empty on the counter and making his way to the bathroom. 

“I’m going to go find Tommy,” Kelsey said, letting you and Jake have a moment together. 

He put his arm around your shoulders and pulled you into a brief hug kissing your head.

“I’m glad you came out tonight,” Jake smiled at you, taking a seat on Joel’s stool. 

“Me too, but I won’t lie I’m pretty tired,” you chuckled.

“Yeah, I can imagine.”

“So,” Jake's tone shifted more seriously, “You and Joel were getting cozy tonight.” 

“Well yeah, everyone else was a little busy. No sense denying there’s a history there, Jake, it doesn’t mean I can’t be friendly.” 

“I don’t know. I just don’t want to see either of you get hurt again,” He sighed. 

“We have boundaries, Jake. He’s a good man.” You grew frustrated. 

“He is a good man,” He pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“He’s just not good for you,” he placed his hand on your shoulder in reassurance. 

You went to protest against your brother's statement but were cut off. 

“It’s hard to watch you hurting. Austin causes you to hurt, Joel causes you to hurt. If I could convince you to stay I would, but I know you, and I know your heart isn’t here.” 

You sighed in defeat, he was right. Jake usually was, and his own wish for you to stay was proof of that. He knew you weren’t capable of being just friends with Joel, and he knew that if you stayed you would just get hurt over and over. If you stayed here tonight, if you stayed here in Austin, if you stayed in Joel’s life. For now, the only resolution you were capable of was turning in for the night with Kelsey. 

“I want to go home now,” You said to him, waving Kelsey down. 

“Want me to come with you?” Jake asked in earnest. 

“No, you have fun with the boys! I know Kelsey, she's probably pretty close to done anyway.” 

You told Kelsey you were ready to go just as both Miller brothers had made their way back to you. She nodded in understanding, flashing a look at Jake and Joel. The taxi ride home was quiet and spent it with your head resting against the window. 

The day finally catching up to you and fuelling your exhaustion you couldn’t wait to curl up in your bed and sleep this feeling of uncertainty off. 

It didn’t take you long to get comfortable and fall asleep once you were home. You placed your cell on the nightstand next to you just in case Jake called needing you or Kelsey. The boys were notorious for getting themselves into trouble and you had made a habit of having a phone nearby. 

You had fallen asleep easily, but it didn’t last long as the cellphone rang next to you, pulling you from your sleep. 

“Hello?” You answered your phone through a sleep ridden fog. 

“Uh, hey darlin’, I didn’t mean t’ wake you,” a familiar voice came through the receiver of your cell. 

“Joel?” 

“Yeah,” he confirmed. 

“How’d you get my number?” You questioned, still confused, your voice laced with sleep. 

You looked over at your alarm clock, 1:54am. 

“And why are you calling me at two in the morning?” You continued. 

“I, uh, I asked Sarah for it after your gals night. Y’know? Just in case she uh- wanted to chat with you.” He only answered the first part. 

“Figures.” You laughed. 

“Is she there waiting to talk to me now? At two in the morning?” You questioned, still foggy from your early awakening. 

“No, no, uh shit.” He whispered, “This was all me.”

You hummed lightly. 

“You ran outta there tonight without even sayin’ goodbye. I was worried something happened to you,” He admitted. 

“Oh,” You said. Your heart rate grew quicker, not wanting to tell him the real reason you had left so abruptly. 

“Uh- no. It just wasn’t really my scene. Kelsey asked if I wanted to go home and I agreed.” 

“Well, I was sad to see you leave so soon. I definitely thought I would be getting another dance outta you, you know to real music,” 

You faked a gasp. 

“I’ll have you know, Mr. Miller, The Dixie Chicks are very much real music and you didn’t seem to mind it,” you laughed. 

“I was just putting on a show for you darlin’,” He mused. 

“Well Joel, if it means I can get going back to bed, I’ll own you a dance to real music next time,” you mocked.

You heard a soft sharp inhale through the phone. 

“I’ll hold you to it,” He said softly, the tone of the conversation felt like it had vastly changed. 

You couldn’t see Joel but you knew when intensity laced his tone, making the tension palpable in the air, this was one of those times. 

“Well, I ain’t gonna keep you. I just wanted to make sure you were alright,” 

“Thank you. I’m good, Joel. I, uh-“ you paused, “I had a lot of fun tonight. It was really nice to hang out.” You admitted. 

“Yeah uh- yeah. It was just like ol’ times,” There was a pause between you both for a moment. 

“Goodnight, old man,” 

“Alright, that wasn’t very nice of you darlin’,” Joel said, chuckling.

You laughed quietly along with him. 

“Night , Joel,” you said, yawning through the phone. 

“G’night beautiful. Don’t be a stranger, okay?” 

You hummed in response, ending the call and placing your cell phone back on the nightstand. 

It was nice to connect with Joel, but your brother's voice echoed in your head. 

I know your heart isn’t here. 

You tossed and turned, the moral dilemma causing your stomach to turn. You wanted to let Joel in, it felt so good to dance with him, watch him laugh. It was your own personal drug, you were addicted to the feeling of being close to him. Yet you knew you couldn’t betray him again. Jake was right, you were only capable of hurting one another. 

The part of you that wished Austin could be home forever was the part that pushed you away the first time. You were determined to leave in one piece this time. 

Can I handle the seasons of my life? Cause I’ve been afraid of changing.

tags: @thetriumphantpanda @fruit-frogs @harriedandharassed @skysmiller @beskarandblasters @wand-erer5 @missgurrl @casa-boiardi @undrthelights @wishyoudaskme @reader-without-a-story @morning-star-joy @cupofjoel @sinsofsummers @cavillscurls @tightjeansjavi @whichwitchwanda @dugiioh @readingfan @patti7dc @spidermanfrog

[inmyhorrorsera]

S5E9 & S5E10 thoughts

Well, I liked it!

The biggest loser here is Episode 9 because all my thoughts are so occupied by the finale that I can't say much about the previous episode which wasn't even bad. So just three quick things:

Finally I get some good fucking food (The Guide content).

"I'm… going…to kill you… Guillermo" gave me CHILLS.

Guidja real.

Now, to Episode 10:

Didn't notice the previous episode how feral Nandor was filmed, his face all darkened except for a beam of light on his furious eyes, good and classic vampire shit!

Nadja Detective Policeman visiting Guillermo in that outfit😩

Wow, Guillermo treating Derek bad after all he did for him really make the point across that he's a shitty person.

There's something so 😙👌 about Nandor going back to Panera, always love a full circle moment.

I don't care about Patton Oswald as a comedian or person due some disgusting shit he pulled years ago, so sadly I couldn't enjoy his scenes with Nandor that much. I loved that after the whole conversation he still killed him tho. I read someone in the tags paralleling this scene to Guillermo and Meg in S3E2, and I fully agree with that interpretation.

Laszlo helping Guillermo and apologizing…😭 He loves him! I would love to see more of how Laszlo feels about his "frustrations" (his innability to help Guillermo, the impotency of seeing Colin grow up and not remember him). That's something that should be explored better next season imo.

Him trying to have a serious conversation but keep getting distracted by the porn is me trying to watch this show as a dumb comedy but getting distracted by the nandermo of it all.

All the vampires visiting him with dumb excuses was so cute. I wish I never see those creatures ever again tho.

Ahhhh Nandor calling Guillermo from his mother in law mom's house was some psycho shit. Also it remind me a bit of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Spike visits Buffy's mom just to taunt her. Imagine Nandor pulling this shit:

(Silvia immediately stakes him of course).

"My friend, Patton Oswalt, he passed away". The solemn way he says it as if he wasn't the culprit 😭.

The moment of Guillermo putting the stake on Nandor's neck was an explicit sex scene for me and for everyone with good taste.

On the opposite side, Nandor helping Guillermo with the red cape is SO SOFT, it's all about being equals this time.

The Djinn… oof… as someone who was begging for his appearance since the beginning of the season, this stunt left me cold… sorry but everything that starts with "it happened off screen" it's bad writing. It's giving "Daenerys kind of forgot…" level of bad.

Didn't like that suddenly Nandor is smarter than the others (specially if we come from an episode when Laszlo called him 'a fuckin idiot' for not getting the Guide reveal).

I already mentioned this in a post I made last night, but I'll repeat it verbatim here, because I stand by it:

I don't believe FOR A SECOND that Laszlo didn't try to feed Guillermo human blood 🤔 Remember when Nadja on s1 went on an entire mission to help Jenna to complete her transformation? (hey everybody, remember Jenna?) How Guillermo 'all my life I dreamed of being a vampire' did not know that piece of lore??

"Guillermo can't kill people" Umm whoever decided to go on this direction, I recommend them this show on FX called What we do in the shadows it's very good! (when consistent).

I…. don't trust that "Guillermo is not cut to be a vampire" stuff… sounds like retcon… BUT! I love the "Guillermo is not cut to be a vampire YET, specially if he isnt sired by Nandor" interpretation.

From the beginning I had this hunch that Guillermo's longing for a family and community (I'm not saying he dislikes his bio family, but obviously he grow up distant from them, probably for being queer and feeling like "an outsider") was a reason for being so desperate to become a vampire. Now that he has the family (bio AND chosen) and the community, it's his time to think if he STILL wants to be vampire or not (and he said at the fake ceremony that he still wants it 😌).

Lmao Guillermo's beard... that thing... didn't look like it was growing from Harvey's face.

🗣️HE 🗣️KEPT 🗣️THE 🗣️GLASSES!!!

More Derek! And with better make up than that ashy talcum powder nightmare from Episode 1!! WTF they got rid of another character of color again??!! Benedict Wong what are you doing here???!!! Yay??????

I really like that Topher is a "functional" zombie in comparison with his state in S2E1, it makes sense with the zombies we saw on the original movie.

Still weird that we end the episode and season here, with Derek happy ending?

HOT take but I like that it didn't end on a cliffhanger, considering that we don't know the state of the show post strikes yet AND after s4 I don't trust this people with cliffhangers ever again lol.

Now that the season is finished I came to realize Nadja's entire arc AGAIN was a big 'ol nothing, huh? The hex, her Antipaxos found family, the little stunt as a teacher, literal "throw at the wall and see what it sticks". I'm sorry but I'll repeat: WWDITS learn how to write women challenge.

Excited to see how Guillermo and Nandor's relationship will develop from now on, I know some people are frustrated but as someone who is used to slow burns being SLOW this is my shit. I joke a lot about the pairing but also I understand that this is the shit&farts show first, nandermo nation second (unlike some people that appears they only consume and rate media depending on how much kissy kissy is on the screen).

From 1 to 10, I'll give this season a 7. Not that good as my god tier seasons (S2 is a 9, S3 is a 10), but not so bad as S4.

What I want next season:

Guillermo NEEDS to be a Bad Bitch again: slaying vampires like the Van Helsing he is, being gay af, not being scared to sass out Nandor, etc.

Laszlo and Colin NEED to have a real talk.

Consistency.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEARN HOW TO WRITE FOR NADJA I'M ON MY KNEES AT THIS POINT!!!

[ashwithapen]

poem #8

(this one is a long one and comes with a list of TWs, so the actual poem is below the cut. this one is also a lot more prose-poetry/slam poetry-esque than my other stuff :thumbsup:)

TW for school shootings, trans genocide/transphobia, abortion (mentioned), police brutality (mentioned), suicide (mentioned).

the thing about TikTok written 4 april 2023

y’know, i only opened this app because i saw a clip somewhere of one of my favourite bands. the singer made a joke in Scotland last night, and surely someone had to have posted a better-quality video on TikTok.

it was the first thing i saw when the app loaded, because they just know me so well. i watched it and saved it so that i can watch it again as a distraction or something later. but then i made the mistake of scrolling.

the next thing i saw was a 5-minute video about how people my age and younger were screaming for their lives just across the pond outside of government buildings. they are desperate not to be killed in their classrooms, desperate to live through this semester, desperate to be heard, but the suit-wearing rulers shuffled through their 1000-person sea, one foot at a time like it was dark and they couldn’t see the people my age and younger lining the walls, holding their signs, screaming for change. i watch it, and i have to keep scrolling.

some video about all the shit you can buy for just 8 USD from a gas station in Japan. i don’t watch the whole thing; i keep scrolling.

someone with a cool haircut is sitting on the floor of their bedroom, crying. the sound playing is saying something from a show i haven’t watched about a storybook fox who is sick and tired of living in a hole. they are crying, the tags say that they are trans, and they are crying. their bio says they are just 14, that’s three whole years younger than i am and something in me surges because that is my sibling whose name i don’t know and that i may never get to because the threat of genocide has them, 14, crying on their bedroom floor. not tonight, i think in silence. i do not want to cry tonight. and so i keep scrolling.

and the next video is an indie artist who didn���t exist a year and a half ago, but even so, their new single that when viral drops in a few nights so i follow their page and i hold my breath: should i scroll again? i do, i don’t learn.

and there’s a joke i don’t get with the loudest fucking noise i’ve ever heard. it makes no sense, i scroll again.

oh look, a 9-year-old girl who got shot when she went back to pull the fire alarm so her classmates would know to run. run. run. her face is the centrepiece, her smile from an earlier date something i need to learn to shake off by tonight. i can’t even imagine what being her might have been like. i scroll again.

a cover of a song, sung atop guitar chords; another joke that the comments don’t explain to me either; another reminder of the imposing genocide; abortion bans are being enforced; they’re using force against unarmed protesters again; a poem spoken to me by a person named Lee; more tour clips to distract me; some statistics about teen suicide rates rising in the States; and one of those checkpoints that tells you that it’s time for a break. stand up, stretch, get some water. the song playing low in the background is one i’ve heard maybe a hundred times by now, but i do as i’m instructed, and i take a deep breath.

my curtains are open and i can see through my window. i remember the song i started writing the other day about how people like me seldom live long enough to see their hair turn grey. i remember how i couldn’t finish it off because something salty and wet rubbed the ink off my page and i closed my book and i pretended that i wasn’t upset, like how, in an hour from now, when dinner is served hot in front of me and they ask me “how has your day been?” i will pretend my phone is not heavy in my pocket and that the kids' shouting isn’t plaguing me and that trans people aren’t losing their right to exist and be free and that a girl half my age wasn’t shot because she got unlucky one day.

and i regret opening TikTok every time that i do because i always fail to miss all those kids i heard dance on here. instead, i get singers on stages and artists who speak and kids who know how to barricade doors with desks and bookshelves and how to defend themselves with their trendy metal water bottles, and news about the latest legislation passed that ensures that more kids will be forcefully born into a cyclical mess where they don’t get to grow up without routine checks as to whether they can tell apart a juice box pop and a gunshot.

and there are not enough words to tell you all the things i have heard scrolling through TikTok, where the mothers are gentle with their children until they go to sleep, because then they take off their soft tones and don their broken voices, screaming out in hopes that their kids won’t have to.

it has to be a phenomenon: the ability you need to grow by my age if you want to use an app as unsuspecting as the sound of a clock, TikTok. if you cannot master empathy and apathy and the way in which you must be able to switch between one and the other at the littlest flick of your wrist because what’s funny one minute must always precede the latest tragedy, death giving way to a joke and a smirk from a pretty girl in a skirt whose page a month ago was all about ways you can help in Ukraine, but clearly, she has become a master of this miracle.

and at the end of it all, when it has been hours of hearing about Neo-nazis and the generalised patriarchy and the right or wrong ways to raise bread yeast, i think three things:

one: a simmering roll of “wow”. both my empathy and apathy have been expended, and now, i have nothing left to give.

two: i am never coming back here again, like a hotel where they promise a rest, a break, a chance to get away from your day-to-day stress. one star.

three: oh look, my band said something funny again, and god, i could use a distraction.

[electricbluebutterflies]

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis 🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love 🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time? 🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now 🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity ☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

already answered here but the short version is I don't actually remember

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

I'm on my laptop and emojis aren't an option... also what the hell is a longer WIP, everything I've turned out lately has been "how much of a ficlet can I write in 30 minutes"... I do have a bigger idea I'm batting around but I do NOT know what emojis I'd pick for that, maaaaybe a snake but otherwise idk...

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

Unusually for me, I actually HAVE been reading a lot of fic lately for various babes and all of it has been really good / honestly choosing just one is hard but let's go with these are the hands of fate because the amount of emotions I have had off something under 400 words // I am a nice bisexual woman with a hand kink and this is what I didn't know I've wanted for like two and a half years...

🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time?

Lol, I feel like I write more than I should / I definitely prioritize fic-writing over other things I could (and probably should) be doing. I've been writing a lot more lately because emotional uncertainty and that's how I get through!

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

Grad school is going fairly well / my research area is So Good for me (and also going to influence sooo much of my fic going forward and yes this is intentional / I want those sides of my life to be in conversation with each other and I CAN do that and I'm so excited), I did not get seriously hurt last weekend and the bruises are fading, and I am conveniently off work on drunk-wildife-Nascar-day / I get to spend today doing fun things instead of wrangling huskies with anxiety.

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer’s block and low creativity

If a fic isn't working after batting it a bit, sometimes the solution is to switch perspectives. My writing style is SO focused and internalized and sometimes I guess wrong on which babe is having a more interesting time in whatever scene I'm writing. (A ficlet I did last night that will post via queue in like two weeks, for example... I like where it went with the perspective I chose, but it would've worked just as well / maybe even better through the other babe's eyes.) For more general burnout... finding a new shiny to be obsessed with helps. I've cultivated a very specific ship type in part because it lets me keep a list of "don't have brainspace for them YET but if I need a distraction here's a few easy ones" and there are a few babes that have been on that list for years just waiting for me to need them.

☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

I was going to try to link a gifset here but we are NOT dealing with 2014!me today sooo... let's just say a scene in a show I was very into at that point with a character I identified with maybe a little too much, and that era ended ages ago but it was always a really vague reference and I decided to keep the username because it's CUTE.

[itsjaywalkers]

hi lovey how are you <3

it's late—like,,,4am late—and im somehow spewing out actual sentences BUT i have a question and i've been debating on how to start this whole thing so ill just say fuck it n get it out there—how do you keep up with all your wips??? bc like,,,,i've started writing, and i LOVE it. it's so fun to have these ideas finally out in word format instead of just stuck in my head.

but i have a really bad habit of starting smth n then...moving on to smth else when inspiration strikes. i occasionally go back to what i was originally writing, but even then it doesn't last long before im starting a whole new story 😭 im a little peeved as i've completely abandoned this one writing i slaved away at for days abt the backstory of one of my ocs—im somewhat proud of it n i don't want to just not get back into it.

as i write this, im currently staring at my laptop as i churn out yet another story of said oc (along with multiple other ocs myself n a friend made together) n im just,,,perplexed?? i suppose, on how so many fic writers keep up with all their wips.

i realize now that im just droning on n on so ill end here. writing is a bitch but also feels me with accomplishment when i do end up finishing smth, so i was just curious as to how you work around wips n things like that.

hello darling, i'm okay!! kinda dreading today's shift, but it is what it is. how are u tho??

and to be honest with u, i don't keep up with my wips like . at all . i do try to maintain some order, and sometimes i forbid myself from working on a story in favour of focusing on another one, but it doesn't always work, and there are times in which i really want to work on a fic even tho it's not a priority or supposed to be posted any time soon. but still, i try not to beat myself up over it, bc fanfiction is a hobby and something that i do for fun!! it shouldn't feel like a chore, so even if i do want to keep a schedule or alternate between wips so i can have some resemblance of balance, it's not really necessary, or even possible, considering the amount of wips i have lmao. it's our work and our writing, we're free to never finish anything if we don't want to, or to write 13847872648 fics at the same time, or to write only one for the rest of our lives. there are no rules or a right way to go about it yk??? i totally get the need to . focus on just one project, or at least be able to finish something, anything, but it'll happen at some point, i promise, and u should never force yourself, especially when it comes to an activity u do bc u love it and enjoy it

it's different if we talk about original fiction or original characters.. at least in my case!! i didn't get into writing fanfic until a few years ago, but i've been writing original stories since i can remember!! in fact there's this one i'm very slowly making progress with, that i came up with back when i was 17, and that i really want to . finish someday and hopefully try and publish it. for me, and when i'm really passionate about a project, like with this one, i do . force myself to not write anything else . it's inevitable to get new ideas, so i write them down, i make pinterest boards and even outlines, and occassionally, i also start them, write a lil of them when i need a break or to scratch the itch. but otherwise i just . do my best to stick to the one that i really love and i'm the proudest of. i do tend to hyperfixate and obsess a lot, so it's not THAT hard for me, bc even if i do get distracted sometimes, i always come back to this story. especially since i've been working on it for almost 5 years now, and i know it like the back of my hand. i could write three prequels and four sequels lol

so really, i don't think there's a right or wrong way to go about this. one of my best friends, and a writer i quite admire, jumps from a wip to another all the time, and also struggles to finish a story, but she just . trusts the process . lets herself have fun and write whatever she wants every day . it's been a while since she last finished something but she isn't too worried yk?? she enjoys what she does, and what matters is that she keeps writing. every person is different, and the way they approach writing is, too!!

my advice is to try and find out what works best for u and to stop beating yourself up over something that might be out of ur control. if u have this one story that's really important to u and that u really wanna finish, then maybe ur gonna have to practise some self-discipline, and force yourself a little, forbid yourself from getting distracted with these other shiny new ideas. but if doing that ruins the whole thing for u and sucks the fun out of writing then . take it one day at a time, focus on something different each day, and start 4 stories in the same week. it doesn't matter babe!! writing is an art, there's not a correct way to do it!!

[loganofthenorth]

Me: Alright, everything's quiet, my physical needs have been taken care of, I want to write, and brain rot about my OCs isn't in the way. Let's get to work!

ADHD toddler that lives in my head: Give me five good reasons why we should work on the work in progress

Me: 1. We get positive feedback when we update this story, which really benefits our mental health, self esteem, and motivation to write other things

2. We ended the WIP on a cliffhanger last time we updated it and it needs to be resolved

3. There is no reason not to work on the WIP

4. Autism- *points at the Autistic hermit sitting next to me*

Autistic hermit: *waves while reading a Sanders Sides transcript, a book about dolphins, and an article about clementines*

Me: - needs a routine to function, and this is a big part of that

And 5. We are fortunate enough to have parents willing to support us so that we can make writing our full time career. If we don't actually write, those two- *points at Anxiety and Depression*

Anxiety: *pacing around with a list of problems to resolve in our projects and muttering about our lack of productivity lately even though we've been productive just in other ways*

Depression: *sleeping and not bothering us because we have enough dopamine from earlier mentioned comments and interactions on Tumblr to keep them at bay for the most part*

Me: - will make life harder for us by making me feel bad for wasting that support.

ADHD Toddler: 1. Yes, that's true, but if we keep writing the WIP I'll get sick of it and want nothing to do with it anymore

Me: But we're almost done, we only have a few chapters left.

ADHD Toddler: 2. We updated that, like, two days ago? Three days? Idk how time works. Days have just felt like weeks lately for some reason so it just feels like a long time when it isn't. They can wait. Also- *gets distracted by a squirrel*

Me: Are you done?

ADHD Toddler: Huh? Oh, right...

Me: ...

ADHD Toddler: ...

Me: Well?

ADHD Toddler: What was I saying?

Me: You said people can wait for a cliffhanger, then had another point.

ADHD Toddler: Oh, right. So, these people watch Sanders Sides, right? They're used to waiting like six months or lately more than a year for the next important chapter.

Autistic Hermit: Huh...

ADHD Toddler: 3. I gave you a reason when addressing your first point, we'll get sick of it if we don't work on other things too.

Autistic Hermit: They're... Actually using really good logic...

Me: I know, it's terrifying

ADHD Toddler: 4. Routine smoutine. I'd rather have poutine.

Autistic Hermit: There it is

Me: Yep...

ADHD Toddler: And, finally... *gets distracted by a lightbulb*

Anxiety: Whelp that's it we've spent an entire hour doing absolutely nothing, we're clearly not getting any work done tonight

Me: *sighs* ADHD, if I let you say your last point, will you let me work?

ADHD Toddler: Huh? What last point?

Me: Never mind. We're going to write a really cool story now, okay?

ADHD Toddler: Okay!

Me: *gets my IPad*

ADHD Toddler: This was fun, you should post it on Tumblr.

Me: Oh yeah sure!

ADHD Toddler: Oh, right! I remembered! 5. I don't see why you think you've wasted their support by not writing all the time. Last year you wrote, edited, designed a cover for, and self published a novel of your own in one year. While doing that, you also balanced friendships, worked on your mental health, wrote like, what, three full fan novels and are about to finish another one? Not to mention all the unfinished fan fics you have that made people happy, and all the role plays which might as well be novels. Just because you're not making money yet, and you're not writing every day, doesn't mean you're wasting the support you were given.

Me: ...

Autistic Hermit: Who the hell have you been talking to? Where has all this logic come from?

ADHD Toddler: We're hyper fixated on Sanders Sides

Autistic Hermit: Fair enough

ADHD Toddler: *gasps* What if we like, made our own you tube series but like, instead of aspects of the personality like Sanders Sides it's our different disabilities?

Autistic Hermit: You thought about that before

Anxiety: We don't have the same resources Thomas Sanders has to make it professional

Autistic Hermit: Like a *shudders* team of people to work with

Anxiety: *also shudders* Or space of our own to film in

Depression: *murmurs* Or the motivation to keep dedicated to that for long...

Autistic Hermit: Or the cameras, lighting, sound equipment, video editing skills, ability to make a polished costume,

Anxiety: we can't mask Autism's traits long enough to get a good recording

Depression: *murmurs* And we don't fit conventional beauty standards enough to do well in a video based algorithm...

ADHD Toddler: I guess we'll just have to find another way to make a series that gets us a fandom one day... You know, since the book we wrote didn't get immediate results so now I'm being petty.

Autistic Hermit: Our book series is a long term project. It will get more recognition as we continue to publish the series.

Anxiety: It would get more recognition if we made more adds

ADHD Toddler: But why make Tik Toks no one interacts with but two hundred people see when we could make Tumblr posts that no one sees but two people interact a lot with?

Me: *sighs* This is getting us no where

Anxiety: Stop typing on Tumblr and get to work or we might lose our ability to work forever

Autistic Hermit: But that doesn't make sense. We've gone a long time without writing before

Depression: *murmurs* We did get a lot worse at writing after that though...

Me: I think that's more because ADHD got worse during that time so writing became harder

ADHD Toddler: Yeah

Anxiety: *scoffs* At least they admit it

Me: Anywho, I'm tagging this now, clicking post, and then we will work on our WIP. My apologies mutuals for the long post.

[sisterssafespace]

Assalamu alaykum

[I don’t know if you post or reply anymore but I’m just gonna do it]

Lately I haven’t been on deen. I haven’t been praying properly or reading my Quran like it should be read. So I started feeling paranoid. Allah put this fear in me and I felt like someone was watching me all the time. I spoke to my mum about this last night and she told me she felt the same almost 20 years ago and that she also wasn’t praying or reading the Quran. So before I went to bed last night, I read surah al fatihah, ayat ul kursi, and the last three surahs three times. I made a dua asking for forgiveness and mercy for me and my family.

Subhanallah something amazing happened. I felt like a saw a fraction of Allah’s power and greatness. It suddenly brought me to tears. I realised I was less than nothing compared to Allah and I hated that it took me 15 years to realise that.

My problem is that I have tried to be a good Muslim before and I have. For two days. Then I went back to my old ways. Last night felt like what I saw was genuine and real rather than what I’ve been doing the past few years. So how can I keep myself from tempting myself to do things that are against the deen? I genuinely want to change and become a better Muslim. But how can I do that with all of the distractions in this world? Any tips or advice?

و عليكم السلام و رحمة اللّٰه و بركاته 🍃

First of all, please accept my apology for the delay, I was traveling and didn't have a stable network..

Secondly, let us appreciate this ask and your story for a moment, Allahuma barik, I love these inspiring stories that can always prove to anyone in need that Allah swt is always there, only one prayer away, one duaa away, no matter how far or astray we think of ourselves to be, Allah swt is always near! You see, when you felt that there is something wrong or scary around you, you knew exactly what to do, you immediately turned to Allah swt because that's our fitrah, that's how we are built and programmed, He swt designed us that way, Alhamdullillah. And immediately He swt answered and provided for you safety, security, protection, and calmness. Allah swt doesn't need much from us, He is always waiting for us to call upon Him, so please do not forget that, even if one happens to sometimes forget that strong bond we have with Allah swt, it never disappears or stops existing.

Now here is the thing, one of the devil's favorite things to do is to try and distract the believers the moment they find their way back to Allah swt -He said, “For leaving me to stray I will lie in ambush for them on Your Straight Path. [7:16] - Shaytan has promised Allah swt that he will try and make sure to distract the believers when they're walking on Allah's straight path, when they are finding their way back or making their steps toward Allah swt. It has been also known that the stronger your faith or your desire to walk toward Allah swt, the harder Shaytan will try and distract you. And that will not make the believer weak or ' a bad Muslim ' , that's just how things are, that's the system, that's the test. All we have to do is try to stay firm and try to fight off the distractions, try to keep our eyes on the goal, that is getting closer to Allah swt and pleasing Him swt.

And remember, we are human beings, we are supposed to slip, we are supposed to make mistakes, we are supposed to sin, but the challenge is not to dispair, not to lose hope in Allah's mercy and to keep going back and keep asking for forgiveness every single time. Remember that Allah swt said that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said "By the One in Whose Hand my soul is! If you do not commit sins, Allah would replace you with a people who would commit sins and seek forgiveness from Allah; and Allah will certainly forgive them."

And He ﷺ also said “All of the children of Adam are sinners, and the best sinners are those who repent.”

So do not let the human tendency we have toward sinning discourage you or make you lose hope, and do not let Shaytan get into your head and let you believe that you are a bad Muslim or that you don't deserve Allah swt's mercy and forgiveness.

I know the world is very distracting and very destructive, especially if you live in the western world, may Allah swt help our brothers and sisters living in non-Muslim countries and strengthen their faith, and keep their hearts firm on the deen ya rab! But you are going to go with babysteps because the most beloved deeds to Allah swt are the smallest but the most permanent, the ones we don't quit them.. I say build a routine where you prioritize your daily five prayers, and if you can insert a few sunnah prayers like the sunnah of Fajr or Dhuha prayer that would be amazing! Make sure you stick to morning and evening adhkar because they are your way to remember Allah swt abundantly in your day, and through them He swt will protect you from all evil, all distractions, and help you stay focused. To remind yourself to do you can use apps, there are great Islam related apps that you can have on your phone either for deen in general or for duaas and adhkar, some apps offer to set a reminder on your phone and alarm you at the right time to read your adhkar, to pray, to read your daily Quran, etc..

Also, whatever it is that is causing you distraction ( for e.g. social media, series, movies, music) you can limit your consumption of that, you can uninstall certain apps or lock them, only use them a limited time in your day, I have recently replied to an ask about that you can also check in and In shaa Allah it will be beneficial for you.

The most important thing is that you don't despair, you don't guilt-trap yourself and you keep your hope in Allah swt's mercy because He swt said " قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَىٰ أَنْفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِنْ رَحْمَةِ اللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا ۚ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ

Say, `O My servants who have committed excesses against their own souls, do not despair of the mercy of Allâh. Surely, Allâh forgives all sins. Verily, He is the Great Protector, the Ever Merciful.'

Allahu al mustaān 🤍

- A. Z. 🍃

[broadway-heere-i-come]

For the fan fic ask thing: the entirety of Tylenol and Diet Coke from your ao3

First things first, Tylenol and Diet Coke is an excerpt from a Kleinsen sickfic whose first draft is very nearly finished at 3,781 words. I shared a rough outline of the plot and another excerpt in this post from almost a year ago if you haven't seen that yet and want to check it out.

Evan tries very hard not to cringe as Jared digs his fingertips into his eyelid like he's trying to grab onto his headache and claw it out of his brain.

Instead, he swallows the last bite of his sandwich and asks, "Did you take any Aspirin or anything?"

“Tylenol. This morning,” Jared answers. He pushes his glasses back into place and takes another swig from his Diet Coke. He still hasn’t touched his lunch, the limp cafeteria pizza going cold in front of him.

A bit of real-world inspiration: I had awful headaches at the end of every day throughout most of middle and high school, largely due to sleep deprivation, and I would chug a can of Diet Coke before my drama club rehearsals hoping that it would prevent or alleviate them, not realizing that it was further hurting my chances of falling asleep at night. I now keep a relatively strict "ideally no caffeine after 12 but definitely no caffeine after 2" policy for myself.

Oh, also: my mental image of the lunchroom they're in is my elementary school cafetorium, which is where I picture every school lunch scene in everything I read or write taking place.

I originally wrote Evan eating a Sunbutter and jelly sandwich like he does in the novel, but I cut it out for being distracting.

Jared looks even worse than he did at his locker this morning. His face is waxy and washed out under the fluorescent cafeteria lights, and it makes the circles under his eyes look like punched-in bruises.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

Jared eyes him wearily over the grey aluminum. “Obviously. Fresh as a fucking daisy.”

“You know I mean--I mean, you're sure you’re not like. Sick?”

There are some descriptions in here that feel kind of clunky to me that I definitely want to redo, but I really like the way I wrote about Jared's appearance. I am also probably still way too delighted to make Jared Kleinman say "fresh as a fucking daisy."

“You know I don't get sick, like, ever," Jared says. "I haven't been sick since Mallory Bernabale sneezed in my mouth in the eighth grade. I just have a fucking headache because I was up until fucking four in the fucking morning.”

A few hours ago it was fucking three in the fucking morning.

I have an awful time naming OCs and I really wish I didn't go with Mallory Bernabale. It sounds too similar to Mallory Bechtel, which of course I realized only immediately after publishing it. I'll either come up with a new name or a new getting-sick Noodle Incident if I can think of something funnier.

I've had someone sneeze in my mouth in real life, but it didn't make me sick. Not fic related, but I also made out with someone the day before they tested positive for COVID without catching it.

Was Jared lying earlier about going to bed at three, or does he genuinely not know what time it was? It's up to you!

Evan knows that he should drop the issue, especially when getting Jared to talk about his feelings is like poking a bear on the best of days, but... “Still, maybe you should go to the nurse? Just to, um, to check. Make sure.”

“Waste of time. And I have a calc test at two, so I can’t risk getting sent home.”

That is the opposite of reassuring. “Why are you worried about going home if you're not sick?”

I think I decided to set this during junior year instead of senior, which probably means I have to change calculus to algebra.

Jared's worried about getting sent home because he woke up with a fever and took Tylenol to put it on hold for most of the day, rather than just taking it for his headache. At this point, the fever hasn't broken through yet, but it's going to hit him hard when it does.

“Jesus Christ.” Jared reaches under his glasses again to press both palms against his eyes. “Evan, I’m fine. I swear to God, okay? And I promise I have every intention of rubbing one out and then sleeping for fourteen hours the second I get home, so please just give it a rest.”

It’s the blunt edge of utter exhaustion in Jared’s voice that finally does him in. “Okay.”

The last minutes of lunch slip by in silence. Jared finishes off his Coke and crushes the empty can in his fist.

I wasn't sure about including Jared's "rubbing one out" snark when I first posted this and I'm still not sure about it now. I don't know if it's a joke that most readers have gotten or not, so it might seem out of place or edgy for edgy's sake. On the other hand, Jared makes a lot of jokes like that in canon and I want to be truthful to that.

I noticed when I was writing this scene that "It must be the wobble breaking through that finally does Jared in" echoes "It’s the blunt edge of utter exhaustion in Jared’s voice that finally does [Evan] in," which would be fantastic if they were from the same story! But they're not so it just means that sometimes I plagiarize myself. (Yes, I do have two different WIPs that involve Jared getting sick and being a stubborn little bitch about it...although now I'm wondering if anyone read both and did think they were related.)

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 7/31/2022

I haven’t done one of these in a long time, mostly because I got myself all fired up to finish a little in love, and I tried, I really did. I made some progress on solidifying my outline and I wrote three entire chapters plus some additional dribs and drabs, but I also had trouble liking any of it, and I spent most of June being incredibly depressed. 

This happened two years ago when I just couldn’t bring myself to work on what eventually turned into What We Do with Our Hearts, (and ended up starting a little in love instead), and it’s not some huge mystery why this happened, it’s because my kids are home all the time. Writing for me, is a process that involves a lot of dissociation and being really deep in my own head, which is simply not compatible with the state of always keeping one ear open for one of the children trying to kill the other one, and who has had too much screens, and if it’s time for the seventeenth snack of the day, etc, etc. There was one week where both children went to camp, and it was amazing and I was able to think and do stuff, and feel human again and then it was over, and I went back to feeling like my head was stuffed with cotton and turpentine again.

Presumably, when they go back to school in a few weeks, I’ll feel better again, but it always feels so uncertain to be like this, like what if I’m just stupid now and will never make anything good ever again?

Anyway, in the meantime, as I’m sure you know, I have been working on the Tattoo Artist AU I started a few...years?...ago?? I had dusted it off this past winter and worked on it for a bit and then got stuck and subsequently distracted by something else at the time. Anyway, I had a whole outline for it, and some of my friends were excited about it, so I’ve been working on it, and it’s been...okay. It’s not my best writing for sure, but at least it’s something, and it feels a lot better than not writing.

Unfortunately, there’s probably gonna be a delay in updates, because I am going to be traveling for most of the next three weeks. If I can, I might do some writing on my phone, but it’s highly unlikely I’ll be posting anything. I was kinda hoping to finish Ch 8 before I left, but at this point, it’s not gonna happen. I also like to get at least a chapter ahead if I can, because sometimes I need to move a piece of information up or back a bit, and that leaves me some flexibility. 

I absolutely hate traveling: I get terrible travel anxiety, and in recent years, I���ve started getting carsick, and even more recently, I’ve started getting panic attacks when I have to drive on elevated highways or bridges. I don’t like not being in my house. I’m not really comfortable being around other people for long periods of time, because all social interactions are a performance for me. Even for trips I want to go on, breaking even emotionally is the absolute best I can hope for. All this is to say that the best I can hope for about the next few weeks is that at least they’ll be over soon, and I’ve been telling myself all summer that I had to get through August in order to get to October. 

Anyway, I expect to have wi-fi and such for the majority of the trip, but I won’t have my laptop with me, and if my overall online presence is spotty, that’s why.

Oh, I guess this is supposed to be an art update, too? Gosh it’s been forever. I haven’t been doing a whole lot, but I drew a sexy swimsuit Renji for my birthday and a comic about being a worm and made a nice banner for my fanfic and I’m honestly pretty pleased with all that.

PS: I know I usually do some over-the-top thing for Renji’s birthday, but school starts that week and am barely making it thru the day as it is these days, so I think I’m gonna take this year off from stunting. I mean, I’m sure I’ll do something, but I’m keeping it small for once.

[the-clockwork-three]

I posted 8,129 times in 2022

That's 8,129 more posts than 2021!

240 posts created (3%)

7,889 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@ulysses-but-somehow-more-transer

@charlataninred

@transgender-rex

@the-dashing-mx-ollandre

@ladydragonkiller

I tagged 1,652 of my posts in 2022

#is mise an crann - 163 posts

#ask game - 48 posts

#prev - 29 posts

#save - 28 posts

#self reblog - 28 posts

#my beloved fictional husband - 23 posts

#asks - 18 posts

#the mechanisms - 16 posts

#you mean a gun powdered this tim? - 15 posts

#the mechs - 14 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#this was like 30 years ago but i still get really nervous when the bus takes the 'o fuck were like half an hour behind schedule lets skip

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I listened to the TBI debut while knitting, some highlights

"Drumbot Brian.... Actually playing a fucking drum"

Huh,,,, the lyf segments are supposed to be verbatim from a recording they made.... Note to self

Raph 🥺🥺🥺 no thoughts on Odin. Just Raph time

Oh fuck. The Ooohs in Loki gave me shivers. it's the quiet before tim just Going for it that cements it for me

Moss stitch is.... So boring but also just annoying enough you constantly have to pay attention

Something about how Thor is preformed in the debut makes me believe his anger more than the recording. It may be a voice crack or something

In Losing Track's chorus, Tim's mic is Way Too Loud and Ashes' is nowhere near loud enough. However everyone sounds fine in the verses so it may be a human issue not a tech one.

Lyf's interaction with the mechs in Expert Testimony is great. It was just a little off from the recorded version but it was a cool break

I like how red signal worked in this version. The quiet bit at the start was nearly imperceptible, and it steadily got louder. The difference between the two ranges of volume between the debut and the album is interesting

I forgot to take notes during the Ragnaroks. It was different enough to keep my attention but similar enough it wasn't distracting. Tim was not super overwhelming during Loki-Sigin duet in V.

It should not have taken me An Entire Hour to finish knitting one 3.5 inch square. AND it's even not the right shape due to bulging >:(

The crowd started to clap before the end of Terminus because they were not expecting the distress call segment

Jonny's smile at the end of Terminus is SOOOOOO good. I haven't been able to watch the video much because I was busy but I caught that :) The Void grins through him and you should be afraid

"(talking about CDs) Nothing too squamous I can assure you." "Awwwwwww." "Maybe just for you"

In conclusion: its a good live show. You should listen to it if you can

99 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

#4

In a world so full of magical fairies, dragons, and demons sometimes you just gotta be Some Dude to stand out.

103 notes - Posted July 20, 2022

#3

The Howl cardigan is done!! Featuring my full Howl Pendragon cosplay

See the full post

119 notes - Posted July 31, 2022

#2

Had a fun dream last night where I was dressed as The Toy Soldier, and as I looked out the window I thought I was just seeing my reflection in the pitch black garden, but was actually Jessica Law in full costume. In my garden. Staring into my kitchen. Mimicking my every movement.

120 notes - Posted April 10, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I love Expert Testimony because of the implications of Marius just summoning a violin.

Like if its just those three in the room, then the obvious answer is that DBB is sitting outside the cell with a small pile of instruments to hand to his pals when they need it.

But if all the mechs are in the room but most of them are just too grumpy to speak to Lyf, then do they have secondary powers of instrument creation? Do they have Really Big Pockets where they store spare pianos?

Extra Question, do the guards confiscate their contraband? And if so where do they keep them?

219 notes - Posted April 12, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[shinystars-stuff]

Hello everyone. It has been 9 months.

I apologize for no longer posting but my mood for Tumblr came to a downhill and so I just stopped posting. I moved on to Twitter, YouTube, TikTok, Pinterest, and Discord.

Well… let’s just say… I’m doing a shit ton better on those platforms.

I came back today and only today to update you guys on how much my life has changed.

So nine months ago… that was before I graduated, which would mean that would be February. Jesus, this is about to be long.

So February 28th of this year, I ended a one-year relationship with a boy only to get with someone else. Now, keep in mind that both of these relationships were online. When I got with the new boy, my behavior and actions started to change. We tended to fight a lot and I made him upset quite a lot just as he made me upset. Well, July 18th, he had enough of my lying and my behavior that he broke up with me. Oh yeah, I skipped something important. I graduated on May 28th! 👩‍🎓👩‍🎓

I was pretty upset over the breakup and I stayed single for a while until drama happened and I got with somebody else. I realized how stupid I was and I called off the relationship. My family situation has worsened. A few months ago, my brother officially came back to live with us after his girlfriend cheated on him. He’s been a total pain in the ass, btw.

Me and my brother hardly get along, but the good news is that we are semi-bonding now these days. My mom’s leg situation has worsened for she can hardly stand up now these days. My uncle… he got a rare disease and might not be making it for much longer, plus I’ve lost a lot of family members as of late. I luckily have my Switch to keep me distracted and well organized.

Well- after I graduated high school, I found out that I have social anxiety. I was placed on an anti-depressant pill and bumped up more on my ADHD medication. My parents have been nagging at me to get a job, but with the shit I see happening in life today, plus the things I hear from my family, why would I even want to work in a society like this?! Also, my whole family thinks they have the right to say that I should get a job when I take the fucking trash out, I get shit like drinks and stuff for them, I bring in all the god damn groceries, I check on them everyday. I do the shit willingly and never get asked to be fucking paid!

Let’s uh- change the topic for now. So- well- I’m still making videos and stuff. However, my original TikTok got banned over a dispute with a best friend and uh- I lost three friends by them ghosting me. My videos have actually really improved. In fact, I have them right here.

Well, I only have this one, but this is my biggest and longest working one. This one took me three hours. I mostly make edits on TikTok but on Discord, I have a little roleplay server :3

My Twitter and YouTube, plus Twitter stays quiet most of the time because usually I’ll just scroll and save videos and stuff on the platforms.

My proudest moment and my best moment of this year is this photo right above this. If you don’t know who that is, that is me and a VO actor known as Bob Carter. Bob Carter is in many animes, but when I looked at the top of his poster, my world changed. As you know, I am a huge Fullmetal Alchemist fan and the character he played was Izumi’s husband, Sig Curtis.

I was legit amazed and he was absolutely friendly. I asked him for a hug and he gladly accepted it because I told him I had watched the anime a million times. I really wanted to show him an FMA edit I made, but I was too excited to show him. I even got to meet the singer for Sailor Moon, only to look later and find out that Bob photobombed it XD

So yeah, even though I’ve gone through a lot of shit this year, I’ve had a pretty good year. Anyways, I think I’m going to go ahead and finish off the post here.

Thank you guys for supporting me on Tumblr. If you wish to add me on Discord or anything, my Tumblr ask-box and messages are still open, so feel free to. I love you guys. Thank you for giving me a home.

[eleanorblue]

In this panel, me and my dad in a diner…

Okay so my dad did not get hit by a truck and he is not decomposing in a grave, but he is, in fact, dead.

As of last Wednesday morning.

On Monday, we got a call that he had weeks to live. On Tuesday, we FaceTimed him and they said he had days to live. This turned out to be an overestimation as he died less than 24 hours later.

It was not unexpected (hence the first comic). He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s nine years ago. He’d been on hospice since April. When we last saw him, he was very very gone. He could not speak. His eyes could not focus. He could not walk. He made a total of three (3) voluntary movements while we were there.*

Grief is very stupid and I don’t like it. One would think that we (my mother, my brother, and I) would be...through it, I guess? He was already gone all but in name. The man that was my father was destroyed by Alzheimer’s years ago. We’ve been grieving and mourning for a very very long time! Nothing really has changed!

No one told our brains that. 

I keep being sad and distracted. I am having a hard time getting anything accomplished. Saturday morning I cried for two hours and then just sat in my room all day on my phone, which was perhaps not the best use of my time. My mother did something similar. My brother didn’t go into work last wee. Last night we all had a long long conversation about the course of his disease and all the many terrible things that happened. And we cried some more.

I am tired of mourning.

Also, fun fact, did you know that obituaries are EXPENSIVE? I just got a quote on the Washington Post death notice and it is OVER TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS. What the actual flip. Two thousand dollars. Two thousand dollars!

Death sucks, even if you are extremely prepared for someone to die.  

*does it mean anything that, of the three voluntary movements, one was to lift his arm around my brother as my brother hugged him and another was to squeeze my hand as I said goodbye? no, no definitely not.

[raphexim]

Literally the only Gosling film I'd ever seen before Barbie was Remember the Titans like 25 years ago.

Jesus that makes me feel old. I am. Christ.

(it's only 23 years? That's... not better)

Working my way through belatedly so imma just use this post to keep track of thoughts and feelings

The Gray Man: fucking loved it so much??? Murder weapon turned unwilling father figure??? Sad grumpy dads are my one trope to rule them all, particularly when bound with found family. I'd wanna play checkers with Six. Like the characters were super compelling to me, the way they showed development and how everything felt character driven to me? And there were such good unspoken implications that also expanded on these characters without burdening the storytelling. AND the lack of gore!!!! This was a super violent movie and it only got a PG-13 because you literally don't need to show that shit on a screen. Bless

The Nice Guys: I expected to be aced out by the whole porno thing, but it was more nudity with implications than *the do* and I guess that didn't cross the line for me. And honestly pretty mild at that. The plot has holes. So many holes. Russell Crowe's accent was distracting. And crazily, I didn't really care about any of that, because the characters and their dynamics and chemistry were just chef's kiss. I love Holland? And I love that he is a disaster. I would not like him in person. There is a little gore at the end, but if you consider physics, it's not realistic at all (crazy how you can convey a visual without having to emotionally scar your audience, who knew???). This is the only one I have re-watched so far, and now have the book so that I can consume my comfort in multiple forms.

La La Land: idk. The music was good. Ryan walks some kind of way. I was VERY impressed with his piano skills. (I was raised by a pianist, so I have to notice that stuff, which makes me sound pretentious I'm so sorry). Idk what happened. I have no idea what the message was, or if there even was one. It seemed like it was trying to have one?? But like "you can either fall in love, follow your dreams, or be successful, but only two out of three. And if you get rid of one, you're guaranteed to get the others." Idk. Very meh, probably won't watch again except for specifically the piano playing.

Lars and the Real Girl: tbh my only context for this movie was an episode of Pushing Daisies where a delusional guy used his doll to murder someone, so. I did not have high expectations. Also had no idea RG had anything to do with it. *And* my tolerance level for secondhand embarrassment is on the fucking floor so I expected to have to turn it off. I didn't. Fuck. This movie was so wholesome???? The treatment of a mental illness was so supportive and positive??? (Except for the touch thing, that was... Let people not want to be touched!)

The Notebook: hi, I hated the Notebook. I don't get the hype, I don't know why people treat it like the ultimate romance. Man coerces a girl into a date by threatening to kill himself, she retaliates by publicly humiliating him. They scream at each other a lot. Poor communication. Obsessive behavior?? Literally so creepy??? Anyway they're terrible for each other and it's an unhealthy relationship. Ryan with brown eyes. Only rewatching if it's to roast and drink.

Half Nelson: made me uncomfy, but that was the point, right? It's a white savior movie but it's about being a white savior movie. The racial subtext of a white guy stepping in inappropriately and what the fallout of that is; stack on the nuance of addiction, male entitlement. How powerful of a moment for Drey to ask "will I end up like my brother" and Dan being the one to make her so. (Also the performance by Shareeka Epps? Spellbinding.) The writer who became a teacher and then never got around to writing? Real. So was the fact that nothing happened professionally after he did what he did to his coworker. Very pre-Me Too. Anthony Mackey was both the most charismatic and, somehow, most responsible character in the entire thing. My only actual beef is the camera work. This last bit is petty - they finally gave me a RG character with a cat, and the cat dies (but, very single white bachelor to name him Dave omg.)

Crazy, Stupid Love: uhhhhh the children involved in this were... this wasn't good. There could have been good lessons for them (the son with consent maybe??) (*not* depicting a teenage girl giving suggestive photos to a child???) but there weren't. There were good aspects in the story, don't get me wrong: exploring relationships, trying to find your identity outside of just 'who you're married to'. I get it. Everything that wasn't actively trying to teach a lesson was funny. The parts that were meant to be heartfelt, did not age well and also probably weren't great to begin with. Maybe that's the male gaze idk. I wanted more of Jacob and Cal's actual relationship, because what was being suggested between the lines was way more interesting to me than the actual plot. Jacob with the family/bonding with Cal's kids completely off-screen, are you kidding me? Cal being a really weird, awkward stand-in for Jacob's father? Jacob accidentally being written demi-romantic and having a crisis about it? I'd love someone to remake this movie. Preferably women-directed. [But I am obsessed with the second Jacob heard David's name and had zero hesitation, just ring off 'we doin this'. He's a real one.]

Can you tell I have feelings about overuse of sex and gore? Esp how it's been the last few years? Ugh. Like I want to watch Drive bc it sounds like it's supposed to be an ✨iconic✨ role for him but I get squicked out by chunks/organs and stuff and I have no idea how graphic it is. Can we go back to shit being implied, off screen, or at least artistic again???

I'm not tagging this, it's for me lmao