#always have to second guess myself and i guess i have to re-sort my priorities. cuz i care about people feelinf safe around me but it

[blueslight]

Im in such a weirdly shit mood today i feel so sad and isolated and BORED out of my motherfucking mind and I just feel like asssss

[sandybrett]

Here are my completely honest thoughts on a bunch of audio dramas I've checked out. (Don't worry, nothing scathing, they're all reasonably good. But please proceed with caution, or don't proceed, if you're involved in creating any of these shows.)

In the order I first listened:

The Storage Papers: Nine episodes in. A little slow paced, but I've heard it picks up in the later seasons. My only real concern is that it seems like a lot of the horror revolves around "this thing looks sort of like a human but it's Wrong somehow. also it kills people (or cats)." I hope at some point we meet a creature that looks and acts as unsettling as the Grinner but is nice, or at least complicated.

The Cellar Letters: Seven episodes in. I LOVE it. I love the natural-feeling messiness of it, the way Nate and Steve talk in circles and go back and forth on what to believe. It's made me laugh out loud multiple times. I can't wait to learn more about that weird little room full of letters with that one random word written on the wall (I forget what).

400 Words a Horror: Three episodes in. I had to re-listen to the first episode because I hadn't been paying enough attention, but I think that particular episode rewards re-listening anyway. Also it is the only show on this list that genuinely frightens me so I have to pace myself. Very good.

Tin Can Audio Presents: Middle:Below: Two episodes in. I won't say I'm hooked, but I am somewhat interested. It's a lot more relaxing than the other podcasts on this list, so I keep thinking I'll save it for listening closer to bedtime, then not getting around to it.

The Grotto: Six episodes in. Very much enjoying. I was SO proud of myself for correctly guessing the twist in the second episode. I love the characters and am extremely intrigued by the mysteries. My only criticism is that the musical interludes drag on too long. And I'm saying that as a WOE.BEGONE fan.

Soul Operator: Three episodes in. It's good but there isn't any particular element that's drawing me in just yet. There's a lot I don't know about the world yet, though, so there is still plenty of time for me to fall in love with this show. (Irrelevant note: I always get "Smooth Operator" by Sade stuck in my head when I think about this show.)

Shadows at the Door: Listened to half of the first episode. It was somewhat interesting, but I decided I had higher priorities for my listening time than disconnected hour-long episodes that are only *somewhat* interesting.

Archive 81: Five episodes in. Quite possibly going to become a major obsession. It's got everything: playing with point of view; the Power of Storytelling but in a menacing way; vivid character voices; probably a cult. I particularly love the way conversations play out on this show--I don't know exactly how to explain it but there's a certain... friction that happens in real conversations but rarely in fictional ones outside cringe comedy. I don't usually enjoy that sort of thing when it's played for laughs, but for realism or suspense? I eat that up. It does make me a little tense so this is another show I pace myself with and I'm glad the episodes are short.

Alice Isn't Dead: Two episodes in. I'm not going to make it a priority--it's got a similar sort of surrealism to Night Vale, but with higher stakes and less humor, and I had enough trouble getting immersed in Night Vale. I could probably enjoy it if I gave it enough time, but for now I'd rather focus on *gestures at some of the shows above*

The Silt Verses: Listened to the first ten minutes of the first episode and got bored, which I think says as much about me as it does about the show. It does get off to a bit of a slow start and leaves more space between lines of dialogue than most of these shows do, but I could probably get into it with adequate time and sleep. Not prioritizing it, for similar reasons to Alice.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #98

Therapy today was rather enlightening.

Up until now, one of the notions that I used to carry was that "sometimes having your back up against a wall is good medicine, because, properly wielded, it forces you to get out of your own damn way."

…So, practically speaking, for example, if you're normally a meek person who doesn't wanna hurt people and cowers in the face of a threat, then being in a dangerous situation can bring out a certain, "clock them over the fucking head with a blunt, heavy object" out of you that you previously didn't know you had (long story; not gonna get into it, but nobody died or was seriously hurt, so don't worry).

To my knowledge up until this point, being in a "do or die" type of situation can give a person the "oomph" they need to do whatever it takes to get out of their own damn way, to change a longstanding behavioral pattern, or to let go of things that are destroying them. And in one way or another, I've been in situations where I've used this framework to do all sorts of things that I thought were impossible previously - for example, finally cutting ties with an abusive relationship with someone named S, the thing with the blunt object in the previous paragraph, and… perhaps this won't seem like a big deal, but… going to therapy. All of these things were things that I was terrified of doing for one reason or another, but failure to do all these things would result in CONSEQUENCES, so then you do them, and then you realize that you're strong enough to do difficult, terrifying things, and then those things become less difficult and terrifying.

And ya know? I lived most of my life either being in situations that felt like "do-or-die", or watching others be in situations that felt like "do-or-die", and until today, I guess I simply took it at face value as though it is the fundamental way of things, without so much as a second thought - you want an excuse to get over your own destructive shit really fast? Then get into a situation where there's no other viable choice. Or so I thought.

But today, my therapist pointed out that no one should ever have to be put in a "do-or-die" situation in the first place. And that notion motivated me to take pause; it was unfamiliar, so I listened.

He cited people who are self-medicating with various substances as an example. Addiction is borne from trauma, not from moral failure. So the person using substances is, in the absence of other resources that feel safe, doing what they can to drown out the horrors in their head long enough to make their existence feel less painful, at least temporarily. Unfortunately, a lot of the behaviors associated with self-medication end up hurting both the person doing it and the people around them, and so interventions are sometimes held, where the person is COMPELLED to do the thing, and… in my therapist's experience, this is usually less helpful than simply being all like…

"Hey, cool, you wanna go self-medicate like that - it's allowed. But I don't feel safe around you when you do that, and I don't like the things you end up doing to me in service to continuing to do that, and so I will protect myself by creating distance between myself and you." …And that's a LOT different from "go get help or else." The first thing in quotes gives the person a choice. The second is a rejection and a threat. Rejection is disempowering, and people ALWAYS do better with choices than with threats.

There's a situation in my social circle right now in which my initial assessment of what must be done in order for everyone to be safe was somewhat callous - reflective of the harsh, fear-based lens of the old life that I lived. "Perhaps the potential of ending up [insert unpleasant situation here] will prompt them to re-evaluate their priorities," (essentially, "do-or-die") as a concept, is not reflective of the kind of person I want to be. So I'm going to have to reevaluate my thinking and choose a more loving alternative - one closer to, "You can [very unsafe behaviors], but you will then have to find somewhere else to live because [very unsafe behaviors] are not conducive to my safety or wellbeing, and I must protect myself. If you must continue [very unsafe behaviors], then perhaps you can find a space to [very unsafe behaviors] elsewhere."

…The distinction between these things still feels subtle to me, but I can see how they are not the same, even if I'm still struggling to articulate how they differ. But that's merely a function of everything being very black-and-white within the old life I used to live; if I want to be able to lovingly move through this world, I have to be able to learn how to distinguish between more shades of grey. The prospect is both exciting and terrifying! I'll get better at it the more I practice.

The folks involved do not live in my house, but they do live in the house of a person who is close to me, and this person who is close to me is having a very hard time from it all. I do hope the situation can resolve amicably soon. I'll keep doing my best to be a source of support.

There's still so much that I don't know; I've gotta try a little harder, do a little better, and so… the temptation from my old life is to think that these things mean I am a bad person. But I think I will try to choose an interpretation closer to, "I am still learning and growing, and this means that I am alive." Not knowing everything means that I will never have any shortage of things to learn and do!

In any case. I am tired and cold, so I fixed myself up a big ol' glass of warm milk; it's a great way to chase both the chill from one's bones, and the restlessness from one's mind. I can't give you a glass, but I can share a picture. It's not fancy, but… here:

…I have finished this glass, and the restlessness is gone, but the chill is still in my bones. So I think I'm going to soak in a hot shower, and then go to sleep.

I will keep working on becoming a kinder and more loving person. I'll hope with everything in me that you will work on doing the same - both for yourself and for the people around you. You deserve your own love - regardless of how you came into being and regardless of the mistakes you've made before. Treat yourself like someone who is worthwhile so that you don't end up going for a number of consecutive days without food, water, or sleep ever again, because stuff like that is VERY UNSAFE BEHAVIOR.

I love you and I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[thedreadvampy]

I am so tired 😭 not like sleepy tired I'm just like

I don't know I think. I don't really need a lot from anyone. I have built a lot of my life around not needing a lot from anyone bc if you need someone then a) that traps them with you and b) you're pretty fucked if you can't rely on them being able to help

that's not to say I'm some sort of lone wolf John Galt island btw. obviously I need people. I have very often needed help with fairly basic things like eating, leaving the house and having shelter. On this I'm pretty good at asking for help, I've lived a lot of my life very reliant on the help of other people. But I try to avoid being in a situation where I need one specific person to help me, if it's an actual survival need I try and have at least a couple of backups before I ask the first person.

(something that does alarm me is that I do have a couple of exclusively load-bearing people just now. like people who if they weren't there I wouldn't have a second option built in. I guess that's trust? but it's also a lot of pressure to put on them)

so like I have spent a lot of time trying to build myself into a position where people can be unavailable to me or say no to me and I will be fine. I'm not going to die of it or go insane or get hurt. I can be relied on to feed myself, go to work or deal with taking a day off, to manage my bills, to get home safely on my own, to protect my physical safety and look after myself if I get ill, to deal sensibly with stuff going wrong or with a crisis...basically, left alone I Will Manage.

(sometimes managing might look like asking for very specific help like 'could I stay on your sofa tonight?' or 'can I come grab your keys cause I'm locked out' or 'i have covid can you leave 6 mangoes and a 2 litre of water outside my door?' or 'can you come get me because I can't leave the house' but those are always. Options. Not the only choice. If the answer is no I will figure something else out and it will be fine)

But like. What I'm finding a lot more. And I think this is maybe a symptom of being a few years into post-traumatic mode rather than constant crisis and instability. Is that I still don't need things from anyone but I'm very much more aware of how much I want from people. Like I want attention. I want love. I want to be looked after in the way that I have made it my life's goal not to need. I want to like. Be able to fall back and have someone else catch me instead of having to set up my own safe landing and several contingencies.

but at the same time these are wants and not needs. and needs should always take precedence over wants.

Like if I'm going to be fine but a bit lonely if I don't see person X, but someone else is in immediate physical danger of they don't see person X, then obviously person X should go see that other person. If I want sympathy and support from person Y because I'm a bit grumpy but they need my support because they're in crisis like, obviously that interaction needs to be about them. Somebody's survival needs are the priority. If an interaction isn't a survival need then it's a nice-to-have and you can ask for it and expect it from people who love you when they have time but you've got to be ready for that to not be a possibility.

but the difficulty is like. ok so a) I have put my eggs in the not-needing-any-one-specific-person basket, meaning I have worked hard to build strategies meaning very few bits of support are fully load bearing, and b) I'm out of crisis. weird. but other people aren't.

so that means that put simply. I want. Other people need. I will always get by on my own if I have to and not everyone will. I very rarely have a need that I can acknowledge both is a need and can only be fulfilled by a specific person.

so if you're paying attention you will notice that means: I am not ever going to be a drop-everything priority. If something else comes up I'm always going to say 'no you should go look after them/yourself' and mean it even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want you to stay and look after me, bc I know that I will be fine, just temporarily sad about it. Like I'm never going to be in a position where I feel able to ask to be cared for in a way that takes energy away from looking after yourself or other people bc I do not need it. I will manage. I have always managed and anyway things are more manageable now than they've ever been.

but at the same time like. I'm coming to really resent this about myself. I resent that I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself and parenting myself and that I'm constantly balancing other people's needs against my wants. I constantly want to throw myself on the ground and scream and cry and demand attention, like I want to let go completely and fuck up and leave it to other people to catch me, but I can't because that's not fair.

like I want to have needs. I want to be the priority and let myself be the priority. I want to be in dire straits such that people have to put me first or lose me. but like. It doesn't work like that. I've been in extremely bad situations, I've been in near constant crisis for like 20 years, and I've never been able to feel like I'm in a bad enough situation that looking after me should be a priority for anyone because I've always felt like it's on me to drag myself through it and figure it out.

And I have! I've done that! Not without damage but like I'm 30 and I'm still here and I did that. I had help along the way (shout out Alex you fucking lifesaver) but I made that happen.

but in some ways that's uhhhhhh worse? bc I know I'm right that if nobody looks after me I will be ok. I know I'm right that I can manage my own survival even when it feels impossible and even at times when nobody is available to help me. and if that was true when I was much closer to the edge then how can I ask to be prioritised now, when things are pretty much stable and safe for me and very much not that for most of the people around me?

but like. I am so fucking tired. I have been carrying the whole of my own weight and a bunch of other people's non-stop for decades and not been able to let go of any of it and I want so much to put it down. but I don't know how and anyway. it's a want. not a need. and needs come first.

(and it's haaaaaaard because ultimately the problem is with me. I don't prioritise me, and I actively push back when people try to look after me, so I don't think it's anyone's fault but mine. I have decided I can manage and other people can't (and that's pretty narcissistic and self-aggrandizing tbh). so like. If someone asks 'is it ok if I go look after X instead of staying with you' the answer of always gonna be yes. if somebody doesn't ask that but I know they're worrying about X I'm always going to gently encourage them to go deal with X. so I make it very hard to look after me or prioritise me bc ultimately I do think that prioritising me over other needs is almost always the wrong call. It's at the very least internally consistent but it's a very lonely place to be.)

[blazehedgehog]

Re: Throne gifts - of all the things on the list, which things do you think would help you the most / you want the most in regards to video production? For example, I see some monitors on the list. Would they provide more screen real state / better color accuracy that would make editing easier for you? Or the RAM, it should speed up rendering times. Is that more useful to you? Would like to know where donations might be most helpful.

(This is in reply to this post)

When thinking of things to buy for myself, the top two "things" I am saving up for are rebuilding my PC and the Xbox. Which one of those things is the front runner is complicated.

I can capture and edit video just "fine" with my current setup, but things can always get faster. So getting the Xbox first isn't necessarily going to diminish anything about my current life. But, again, things can always get faster. A new CPU would smooth out a couple of video capture woes I've been struggling with.

But for the PC upgrade, I can't just buy a new CPU and be done with it. I am currently on one of the fastest CPUs that my Socket 1150 motherboard supports. I think part of the reason this motherboard was as cheap as it was back in 2016 is because Socket 1150 was completely discontinued by the end of that year (I actually had to replace the motherboard in 2017, and had to buy the replacement on Ebay).

Which is why there's a CPU and a motherboard on Throne. I'd need both.

The RAM is also sort of attached to the new motherboard as my current one tops out at DDR3. That RAM is DDR4.

Actually, to back up a little bit, a lot of the computer stuff was on another wishlist I was building for myself back when I was flush with cash after the Sonic 3 video. I was waiting on a few other things to clear before I spent it, but then my Mom got sick and things played out like they did, meaning it basically became impossible to justify blowing my savings on a new PC. Which is why a lot of it "goes together."

Anyway, RAM is cheap right now, so the CPU+Mobo would be the focus, I guess. I have 16GB of RAM right now, which was kind of a lot back in 2016, but is considered average by today's standards. I am not quite starving for RAM just yet. 32GB is just a "nice to have because RAM is cheap."

(And for the record, the DDR3 would work in the new motherboard, just not the other way around)

Alternatively, this monitor I'm currently using is not only very dark after 12 years of all-day use, but might also be dying? Last month the entire display went completely wacky and basically turned to snow like an old CRT. It lasted about 5 seconds and then started displaying normally again. I very nearly almost took the hit and knee-jerk ordered a new monitor right then and there.

Of the two monitors I have on Throne, the Asus was the one that was on my old "rebuilding my PC" Amazon wishlist. My current 12 year old monitor is an Asus, so I'm inclined to stick with the brand unless someone tells me otherwise. It also has g-sync and some high refresh rate stuff I've been told looks good.

The Samsung monitor was just something I think I found while browsing Throne itself. It's cheaper than the Asus, but it also has slightly less features (and slightly less hook up ports) than the Asus, too. For instance, my current Asus monitor is connected via DVI, which that other Asus monitor also supports, but that Samsung only does HDMI or DSUB. So you get what you pay for.

I wouldn't look down on either monitor, but my preference is the Asus. I think the Asus is lower latency, too.

Honestly, it's a bummer Throne only lets you set one item as "featured." Amazon at least let you rate things by priority. Throne needs that, or the ability to put things in to multiple categories at once.

[graceloveswolves]

Insatiable Pt3

Okay so I wasn’t planning on making a part 3 originally but I just love this idea so much so here you guys go!

________________________

Today was the day.

I was standing with my mate Resmond. He had on a suit, and I had worn a red sparkly dress, it stopped above my knees and had a loose and open back, resting against my hips. Clara had picked it out for me, she always had such better taste in clothes then I have had.

“The venue is lovely, kind of a shame we didn’t have a huge wedding don’t you think?” Res had envied, looking around at the snow covered ground, the landscape was breath taking. I looked at the winter wonderland themed wedding, it looked like something out of a movie. Everything was perfectly placed, not a single flaw in the setting.

“No. Our wedding was perfect. It was special.” I disagreed, taking his hand and wrapping it around my shoulders. I stood on my tiptoes, and whispered against his ear.

“But if you want to redo our wedding night I have no complaints here.” I felt him stiffen as he looked down at me, raising his eyebrow with a surprised smirk plastered on his face. “That was very bold of you. Don’t tempt me love, Clara’s been dying to throw another wedding.” He replied, eyeing the curious blonde across the venue, that was talking to Irinia-one of the Denali sisters.

I smiled at the sight, she always was good at making new friends. I let my gaze wander, taking it the different crowds of vampires from around the world. Suddenly I stiffened, my icy heart dropping to the pit of my stomach. I felt as if I was going to puke, which wouldn’t be possible but none the less.

I had accidentally made eye contact with a familiar pixie that I would’ve known anywhere.

“Oh no.” I gasped, dropping my gaze to the ground beneath me as I saw her making her way towards me. Resmond had put two and two together, letting his arm fall from my shoulders and pushing me behind him.

“That’s close enough.” Resmond demanded, however not phasing Alice in the slightest. Then without a single beat, a familiar cowboy had made his presence near Alice.

“Jasper. Alice.” I stated their names, pulling Res back a few steps, as a signal that everything was okay. I felt unusually calm, no doubt in my mind that Jasper had been using his mojo on all of us. “This is my mate, Resmond. Res, this is Alice Cullen and Jasper Hale, they are from my old coven.” I introduced the pair, glad that the tension was slowly fading.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Jasper had politely nodded towards Resmond, who seemed calm and collected now. “Well, Im going to find Clinton. He’s no doubt already in some sort of trouble. I’ll leave you to catch up with your friends. If you need me...” he trailed off, already knowing that I knew the drill.

“Yes, have fun.” I dismissed Resmond, he was not good at making new friends, and I didn’t expect him to want to get to know the family I had left behind. Once he was gone, I had looked at my old sister.

“Well...Aren’t you going to give me a hug?” Alice asked, opening her arms up to me. I smiled, practically jumping into her arms. I had felt such bliss, reuniting with Alice. She had always had such a bubbly and happy personality. Once I had broken from her grasp, I turned to Jasper, who also given me a quick but loving hug.

“How have you guys been? I’m sorry I have been such a stranger. It’s just with everything that happened with...” I couldn’t bring myself to say his name aloud. Thought I already knew I didn’t have to. “We have been good, we have been in Ithaca for awhile. Jasper’s enrolled as a philosophy student and Carlisle works nights.” Alice said, shocking me.

“You left Forks?” I questioned the short pixie in front of me, I wondered if that’s why Carlisle was looking for me. Maybe he didn’t want to leave me behind in case I had decided to come back. But why? They had such a perfect set up in Forks. They should be leaving until another few years. Then the realization had hit me, they must’ve gotten in trouble with the human, why else had they flee from a perfectly normal town.

“Yes. Edward hadn’t wanted to stay there anymore, so we left.” Jasper answered for his mate. I could practically roll my eyes, of course, Carlisle would have done anything for his precious Edward.

Carlisle.

My eyes widened, I turned to Alice, surely she’d seen me ask the questioned I had been dying to ask since I saw her. She looked at me with sympathy, nodding her head.

“Yes. He is here. Over by the river.” Alice responded to the question I hadn’t asked out loud. Suddenly music had started to play, to which I nodded in gratefulness as Jasper pulled her into the dance floor. I smiled at the couple as they started to dance. They had completed each other’s life, it made me happy that nothing has changed between them.

I then gazed over by the river that was a few hundred yards from the venue. There was a few vampires chatting at the tables that had been placed there, however my eyes fell on the one vampire sitting by himself. The blonde vampire was at the edge of the river farthest from the others, sitting in solitude. Or more like waiting. I bet Alice had seen this beforehand. Maybe she even planned it all herself. There was no telling when it came to her.

I was near the river in seconds, deciding to walk the next few yards. I felt the pit in my stomach grow bigger by each step I had taken, growing closer and closer to my creator. I didn’t dare to look up to see if he had taken notice in my figure, I already knew that he probably had. Instead I became very focused on the snow beneath me, watching as I left a shoe print with each step.

Part of me had wanted to turn around and go back to the dance floor, maybe dance with Resmond or Braxton. Chat with Clara, or even with my old siblings in the Cullen clan. But despite all of the anxiety and regret, deep down I had craved seeing Carlisle. I needed to have this talk to him, then I could finally move on. Then I could finally be happy with Resmond.

Once I had gotten to the edge of the river, I had sat down next to Carlisle. I didn’t look at him, I just took in his smell, which I haven’t smelt in over a year. Nor had I been this close to him since the falling out. It was quiet, we just sat and looked at the river in front of us, listening to it flow freely.

I could feel his stare burning into the side of my face. He had been waiting for me to speak, but I was still trying to find the right words to say. I grabbed a fist full of snow that had laid beside me.

Don’t be a coward.

“What a wonderful wedding, don’t you think?” I had finally spoken. Trying to break the silence, hopefully that didn’t sound as stupid as I thought it did. I had finally turned to face him, to which I was right, he had been staring at my face. He seemed somewhat mad when he had met my eyes.

“You never came back.” He responded, making me look back out into the river. He had not felt the need to beat around the bush apparently. Getting straight it the point I guess.

“I didnt see the need. You made it clear that I was never on your list of priorities Carlisle.” I tossed a chunk of snow in the water, watching the ripples fade away as the snow melted into the river.

“You were my very first creation Y/n, I spent the majority of my life with you, you were always one of my top priorities.” He defended himself.

“You certainly had a unique way of showing it. Tell me, what was the real reason you left Forks? Was it because of the human?” I pressed, my way of indirectly telling him I told you so.

“You were right. I am sorry I hadn’t listened to you the first time. But you did not have to disappear, I would have given you your space, you didn’t have to leave me wondering every day whether or not you were even alive.”

“You had Edward, you didn’t need me. And look, I’m still alive.” I gestured to myself, looking back at the man who I spend more then half my exsistence with. He had a pained look on his face, his eyes eyeing me up and down.

“Edward was not my first creation, I did not spend over 200 years with him alone. Did you know how much pain you put me in? I spend every day thinking of ways to get you back. You were mine, and I had lost you. You were the only one I did not worry about leaving, and you did.”

“Well I’m not yours anymore. You couldn’t appreciate what you had while you had it. I found someone else who does, every single night.” I rubbed in, snapping at him.

There was silence between us for a few moments. Carlisle looked like he was thinking, trying to find something to say to defend himself, but even he knew his errors in his treatment towards me. He had sighed, giving up.

“Are you happy?” He had asked me.

“Yes.”

I had responded immediately, I raised my left hand up, flashing him my wedding ring that Resmond had proposed to me.

“ Well I guess that’s all the matters.” Carlisle had said, he had a tint of sadness in his voice.

“What about Esme? Haven’t you two gotten married already?” I brought up his mate. He had refused any intentions of marrying her in the past, but I had secretly knew he loved her, he just didn’t want to upset me.

“We eloped, she is at home with Edward. She didn’t want to leave him, not in his state. He had taken it hard, leaving Bella behind.” Carlisle explained.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about that.” I had given my sorrows to him.

“Thank you.”

Once again we had been left in silence. I debated on saying something, but I had heard footprints behind us.

“Y/n my Love, would you like to dance?” I heard Resmond from behind me.

I looked back at Carlisle, who had smiled softly at me. “Well, I guess it’s finally time to let you live your life. Have a nice life Y/n, go be happy.” Carlisle had gestured to Resmond. I smiled, nodding back at him.

“You too Carlisle. Thank you, for giving me this life.” To which I gave him one last look, before turning around hand in hand with Resmond.

I had felt peace.

I knew deep down it wouldn’t be the last time I saw Carlisle, but I could finally let go of him. I could start my new life with Resmond, who I loved and he loved me back.

And that was all I needed.

[btswishes]

Love me for who I am now

Bucky x Reader ( Chapter 1 )

Part1 / Next 

Summary: You apply for the Stark internship and end up getting it, so now you have 5 months to make a good impression to continue working with the Avengers.

A/N: This is my first Marvel fic and I am taking it as a challenge. It is opposite of what my account was made, but here I go. Sorry for any mistakes made, hope you enjoy it even a tiny bit.

Word count:  3,281

Warmings: fights, harsh language, not part of the original MCU 

Y/N- Your name Y/L/N:  Your Last Name

                                   --------------------------------------

  Through sleepless nights and dark circles, books and pens, through months of work you reached your goal. The moment you received the acceptance letter from Stark University you almost flew out the window without a fear in your mind. This was it!

  Time had passed since that moment, but it is still engraved in your mind- a memory keeping you strong during the hard midterms and piles of work, even the small glimmers of regret. Trying your best wasn’t an option, you could do only that and no less. It was no easy task, lost social life as much as you tried to keep it. You were really lucky you had good friends that understood and supported you. University wasn’t easy for anyone making this one even tougher. People of all ages, backgrounds and cultures were piled up with you in this building. The best of the best as the slogan said, the ones that proved themselves and emerged victorious.

  When you were young ,you used to spend a lot of time with your uncle at his places outside the country. He would introduce you to his work colleagues and things you had never seen before. There was a time where you would spend months on end with him. Not many memories were left from those moments in your head. At one point you spend a few years with him, your mother thought it would be good experience for you and it turned out to be nothing but the truth-at least you hoped so. You learned a lot from him and his friends, it felt like each spend day would offer you more knowledge in areas you never knew of. Computer work, ways of thinking and so much more that had become second nature to you.

  The sky was tinted in a wash of oranges, reds and yellows bleeding one into the other, swirling around the sun emitting them. The day was ending, but you found yourself filling up an application in the library, covered by the silence and smell of exam worry.

  Sponsored and founded by the one and only Tony Stark, this establishment offered an internship. Being part of the Avengers, Tony didn’t let just anyone from the students attending in, even if they were the best labeled by the school. It had been a year and a half since you started pushing yourself harder to be able to apply and there was nothing that could stop you. Pressing your finger over the enter button was very nerve wrecking yet simple. Even if it didn’t work out this year, you planned to do it again and again ,till he had no other choice but give you a chance.

  Usually F.R.I.D.A.Y. went over everything and left only the applications worth going over by Tony himself or Pepper. The next 5 weeks for you were very stressful, but there was nothing more you could do but wait and focus on your own work. The first person you wanted to tell about this was your uncle. He went to work in some distant place where they had no internet so you switched to mail. Not as much paper under his name passed through your hands, as he had stopped answering you. You missed him, but the muddy childhood memories kind of compensated for that.

“Did you send it in?” the phone muffled a bit the sweet voice coming from the speaker 

“Yeah, a few days ago actually.” You answered with a gentle sigh

“And no answer yet?” the girl’s pitch rose at the end of the sentence, amazed at that what she just heard

“I know, I know. Think about it though Nea. Who knows how many applications get submitted. Someone has to brush through them after all.” defending the situation was a form of coping for you, made you feel hopeful.

“So you are trying to tell me Tony Stark’s interface or whatever it’s called, can’t sort them out in a couple of hours? Come on Y/N! You and I both know you are trying to make yourself feel better.” The small pause made you anxious over what Nea said “Listen.” A breathy start of the sentence “ I don’t mean to brag, but I think I am one of the people who know exactly how much you deserve this. You were never the studious type, plus that you were gone for years on end with that mysterious uncle of yours. I never expected you to suddenly go for Stark University. Your dream changed you, from this quiet kid to crazy ol’ you right now on the call with me.I ain’t letting you bust yourself up over this just because it didn’t happen the first time around-”

                Ding ding

  Nea’s deep speech was cut off before she could unleash herself completely, by the slight ring of your phone’s notification.

“Who tf has the audacity to text while the great me is giving this legendary –“

                Ding!

  The second time the sound sung out made her choke up with anger, you could almost see the fumes coming out of the phone.

“WHO IS IT!” a loud hiss pierced your ear

“Maybe if you gave me a minute I could answer your question.” Pulling the call down, your finger ran over the screen to the email, making your notification lamp blink like a car. Almost instantly it opened before your eyes and you gasped. The action made you swallow suddenly and cough out a bit ,giving poor Nea an idea about the level of shock you were in.

“What?What? You can’t just almost die and not tell me what is going on.” She proceeded with a not so tasteful interrogation.

“I-…they accepted my application…” at the end a small smile flowed over your lips contorting the sound coming out

“Stop!?” she choked up as well “You gotta be fucking with me!? No fucking way this is real!”

“I am honest. It says here that they liked my skill set, my grades and the way of thinking I presented in my essay. I got the spot Nea! I fucking did it!” you threw the phone on the bed letting it bounce as you started dancing.

“Of course you did! I told you! You will be working with THE AVENGERSSSS!” at some point it sounded like your best friend was more excited than you “When do you start?”

“Well…” taking a second to calm down and re-establish contact with your phone, you looked up the schedule that came attached with the email “…ok…so it says here that I will be starting on Monday so~ in 2 days? “

“So soon! Any requirements for the job miss Avenger’s sidekick?” and the teasing begins

“A list, surprisingly.” Rolling onto your back, you held the screen away and above your face, scrolling past “ I guess my first job will be with Dr. Banner in the lab. Apparently I will be given some sort of assignments throughout the 5 months work span. I will be monitored by Dr. Bruce Banner and the grading, I guess if you can call It that ,will be done by Tony Stark himself.”

“Basically Hulk will be your babysitter.” once this girl starts teasing she never stops even in amazing situations such as this one, good thing you loved her “That sounds so cool though! You will be able to meet Captain America and Black Widow~! I am so jelly of you I swear! When you leave work make sure to wait for someone from the group to walk by, omgggg I am fangirling so much right now.What if you go to dinners with them!?AAAAA!”

“Fun thing about that.” Your eyes landed on the last paragraph of the email “It says here that I am supposed to move into the compound and stay there till further notice. The whole idea is that if I do things well I will get a permanent job. Weird…” you hummed

“Weird !? How? That is so cool! Who knows you might even become an Avenger! You will be living with them anyways.” at this point Nea was either not breathing or hyperventilating so fast you couldn’t hear it

“Don’t be ridiculous.” your attention landed once more on the thought process you had a moment ago “I don’t get one thing. They say here that my PE grades combined with my IT and overall studies make me a great candidate, but I don’t remember sports being a requirement at all, or even providing them in the first place. Does it mean that if my grades were low in that department I wouldn’t have gotten the spot?”

“I guess people of science aren’t that flexible. Who cares anyways! You got in, no ifs and buts. I am telling you, at this point you could be an Avenger.” poor girl began thinking of names and suit designs for you “ Hurry up and pack those bags before I drop by with take away, so we can gossip over Steve Rogers’s abs.”

“Um…don’t get me wrong he is super hot, I just see the Cap more like an older brother figure than anything.” It was true, you looked up to him since the first time you studied about the Civil War. Fearless, gave his life in a way for his people, astonishing man over all.

“Hey! Let me drool over him! You were always more of a Winter Soldier fan anyways.” Nea pouted audibly . Her words made some lone memory pop up in your head, but it was as murky as the rest. “I don’t know why I am interested in him. Somehow his look is very nostalgic and rugged. Anyways. ”you shook your head out of the mental image of the soldier “I will go pack up, tell my parents and fix up all my documents. Probably find some stuff from former Stark employees online. I want to have a bit of an idea of what he expects and what I am getting myself into.”

“Fine fine, you could have just said you like troubled guys. You were the one who was happy Loki got a second chance after all. I will be over in like 3 hours.” She informed you

“Hey! He deserved to redeem himself, he was used!” a firm Loki supporter as always “Ok then, see ya.”

   Hanging up the call you placed your phone to charge and rolled off your bed. The email gave vague information about what you needed, but clothing wise you would still be able to come home and get stuff if you had to. What was on top of your priorities were papers, documents, all your research materials and tech. Those things had to be organized no matter what ,since they got you this far in the first place.

  Nae came over as planned and you two had a nice sleepover talking about you know who. The night came and left, letting the morning find you in your bed at 11am. Your forearm rested on top of your forehead in a relaxed manner, letting enough space for an exhale to linger in the air in front of you. Your mind was going over everything that was about to happen to you. It was one of your dreams, you worked for it nonstop day in day out, so why were you so worried about meeting the rest of the Avengers? Maybe it was just anxiety or fear of the unknown, yeah made sense.

  All you did during the day was make lists for every piece of tech you were binging with yourself. Things seemed to be in order, but worry kept nibbling on your bones. The moment of truth finally rolled up and so did your suitcase in front of your house. Nea came to send you off as she promised.

“Sweetie, make sure to call us every day. Eat well, don’t overwork yourself and-“ your mom went off with caution about anything and everything that came to mind

“Mom, you know I am going 3 blocks down from here right? Plus I can come home at any time I want to. I am not moving to Mars or getting arrested.” You smirked the panic away from her, giving them a big hug.

“Call me or text me when you get there.” Nea pulled you in, whispering in your ear as quietly as possible “And don’t forget to sneak me a booty pick of good ol’Cap. You know what they say-”

“That is America’s ass.” Your voice came out in a mocking tone

“That i-…let me at least finish it by myself! Geez!” she pushed you towards the door “Ok ok, go now before you spoil me something else” her arms crossed in front of her chest

  The walk wasn’t that long, you were too invested in your own thoughts to notice when the time and distance had passed. The glistening windows of the compound building shined into your eyes. Your lungs filled up with a breath that they kept in for a moment, before releasing it back in the outside world. Pulling out the documents you stepped in. The fresh smelling air hit you making you close one eye for a second.

People were walking around you fast and concentrated. Some looked in a hurry, others were on break with a cup of coffee and a strain-leaving expression.

 Your feet, as slightly shaky as they were, took you right up to the front desk were a lady with a dark rich red colored uniform looked at you. She flashed a professional smile, her eyes asking for your purpose.

“Um, hello. My name is Y/N -Y/L/N.” she saw the logo on your papers and gasped

“You must be the new intern Mr. Stark told us about.” She signed something and reached out “Can you give me your hand for a second.” Your fingers didn’t go past the surface of the desk when she pocked your skin. Pulling in your extremity, your palm wrapped around the spot that began to sting a bit “Don’t worry about it. This is your identification pass. Fancy, no?” she smiled winking. Her body stood up as she pointed at the elevator far in the back of the foyer.

  Instructions were given with each step of the way, calming your nerves a bit. The moment you found yourself inside the elevator she pulled your hand to the sensor on the wall next to the buttons.

Recognized: Code 2514. Welcome Miss Y/N  

 Your head shot up when F.R.I.D.Y.’s voice echoed in the small space. The women smiled giving you a small nod and stepped out of the vicinity. Once her body was outside ,the doors slid closed. Over them glowed a protective blue light layering over the material like a soft veil.

 It felt like you weren’t moving an inch. Your body flinched when the sun stung at your eyes from the window. Your gaze landed over the view of the city, as you went higher and higher, ascending into the clouds  The blues and yellows were covering the inside of the elevator, such vibrant and lovely colors warming your body. For a moment your heart felt heavy- lost memory tugged onto it again. An often occurrence lately, yet you kept brushing off as deja vu. 

Floor 134. Welcome to the Avenger’s compound Miss Y/N

“134!?” the numbers cracked out with your voice. The interface made you turn towards the opposite opening doors revealing a room as big as a hall, if not almost a stadium. The ceiling was high being the lid to this round area. Your heart beat increased pumping blood to your body, dilating your pupils at least twice their original size. It look amazing, almost like you had just entered heaven. The walls were white, the furniture was perfectly placed and cream colored. Stepping outside you jumped at the sound of the elevator doors closing behind you. 

“Wow” escaped your lips, your hand pulling the suitcase closer. So this was the common room or the shared space. The windows were so big they were practically a wall of their own. The bright rays were making themselves at home giving the white paint a new color with each passing minute. The ceilings were probably the equivalent of 3 floors in height. There was this weird feeling of home inside, a bit of isolation maybe mixed in. 

“Miss Y/N?” your head swung to the side when you recognized that shy but bright smile. Throwing the papers on top of your suitcase, you extended your arm at the man.

“Ah.” Good thing your mind automatically responds politely to people without you giving it much thought “Dr. Banner. It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance.” you shook his hand gently a couple of times and let go ,finding the papers and showing them to him “My name is Y/N-Y/L/N.” gentle bow and a smile followed the words skillfully chosen

“Welcome Welcome. Tony is out right now so I might be the only one actively walking around the compound. Well…”he scratched the back of his neck, lightly hunching over with a sheepish smile “I am one of the people you will be working under anyways, so I guess it is good that I came to get you. I would love to show you the lab, but I am sure you would like to set up your things first.” You nodded and he showed you to your room. The corridor had 3 tall doors scattered on the walls, all looking modern and elegant.

“This is the side where usually we have our female members. Natasha and Wanda will be your nextdoor neighbors. Hope it won’t be any trouble.” Bruce looked at you ,when an aggressive shake took over your neck

“No, no. Not at all sir. I am very grateful to have such amazing heroes next to me. As a matter of fact won’t they be troubled with me here?” and here came the normal anxiety that you had for everything

“I am sure they will like you. Don’t worry about it.” Bruce stepped next to the door and waved you over “You don’t have a key or a door handle as a matter of fact. Tony’s idea, don’t ask. If you got up here on your own I assume he made the girls downstairs give you an identification implant. That is basically your entrance for everything here. Kind of an Avengers thing.” You nodded and him wiggling his fingers like a spell. Placing your hand on the door like he told you activated F.R.I.D.A.Y.

Recognized: Y/N. Access and ownership granted.

  The metal frame slid open and you found yourself standing before a big room. It was nicely furnished. The desk was big enough for you to work on it and have everything around. Bookshelves empty and ready to be used on your left and a large bed on your right flush against the wall. The window was once more its own wall right in front of you standing behind the desk. The bathroom door was opening a space before the shelf the same color as the paint in the common room.

“I will let you set up. If you need anything F.R.I.D.A.Y. is always here. The room is interactive, you can ask exactly what works under the interface’s control. The door is one.Take your time.”he was on his way out “Would you like some coffee or tea?”

“I would like some tea, thank you very much.” Bruce flashed you a smile “F.R.I.D.A.Y. the door please.”

Door closed 

  Done as said and requested, clicking behind you. 

Would you like an extensive list of my functions as an assistant?

“Please do.”

[flow-green]

19-08-2021

 “I think I’ve never had more chaotic year than this one,” I confessed one evening when we drove in a car somewhere. My SO gave me a warm look and I checked to the back seat where my Charlie-baby was sleeping. If somone would have told me year and a half ago that 2021 will be a true turnaround in my life, when I will throw away all the life chains and take full control, I would have rolled mye eyes and gotten back to my endless vicious circle of career. I think ever since 17-years old I have followed the norms the society has set up: graduate high school, sprint through university, meanwhile make sure you work so you won’t get drowned in depts, get a job for your field of interest, in the meantime take some loan for some random house and if you have a moment, please, make some babies. Ever since I was a child, I knew right away: that’s not me. I don’t know what it is that makes me want to break these frames. But, oh well, there is no point to raise my voice for my own good as all the other people around me are nicely stable in the system. Some of my exes are on the same line: if you are not a parent by age 31 and do not own a gorgeous house in the suburbs while paying a sickly huge loan, meanwhile ignoring your family, friends and hobbies to make ends meet just so you could work yourself to deah by age 40, then you are a loser.

Few weeks ago in Saaremaa, while tipping my toes and feet into the warm and comforting waters of Estonian sea, I realized where I have drifted with my life. Only now I have started to realized that, f**k me sideways, I am actually a living human being. A LIVING person. I LIVE.

About 2 months ago, near summer solstice, I finally felt the finalizing ticking in my brain that pushed me gently to the edge of unknown. “Will you?” the life asked and motioned me to jump. “Or will you stay here forever, wondering what’s down there?” And so, with shivering hands, I clicked ‘send’ button on the mail that delivered my resignation letter to my boss. Done. Over half a year full of mental terror and a slow suicide will come to an end. At this point I had insane regrets. How am I supposed to throw away an opportunity and 6-year long career just because I do not want to live anymore? Now you’re probably thinking I am being a drama queen and overexaggerating. Oh, dear god, no. There were days, where everything started to tumble down in one go: my love life, my family relations, friends and work relations. On these days I switched myself and my phone off, listened to some serious melancholic tunes, sat alone for hours or drove around with a car and now, admitting for the first time: I hoped that something will happen and I do not need to live here anymore. I admitted this once also in my therapy, that I have frozen up while driving, not really giving a damn about my leg on gas pedal and about the speed.

I am once again a fat, useless, lazy, clumsy, slow and unorganized. Blessed with sore black eyes, a girl with unstable nervs and flaked nails. And all this just to give myself to a work which does not appreciate any sacrifices I make.

And I did it. This is MY life. My path and my decision, I ain’t going anywhere and even if I do, I’ll go with a smile on my face and as a queen for a day.

Few days ago I realized with full heart that this was one of the most important decisions in my life. I went for a run, as I have started to pick it up again. I went and set a goal to run approx 20 minutes. I had time. No rush. Only responsibility waiting for me was one project to improve a home page of our fresh company, but there was no strict deadline nor a passive aggressive boss-lady stalking my every move and making sure I am around even off-hours. So, my 20 minute run became to a 1 hour run, which was successful, nicely progressive and easy. I enjoyed every minute, because I was present. I had nowhere to hurry. I did not worry about the future or the past. I was just excisted. And I breathed.

I think I have cried more this year than in total for all past years. In my 9 to 5 appartment cubical lifestyle I always pushed away everything that demanded at least some movement out of comfort zone. For exaxmple I always closed in when my ex partner had an idea to do some changes. Well, true, his changes did not comply with my dreams. I did not want to get a huge loan to buy a house and sprint out 2 babies just because ,,Martin and Marge had their second kid in their gorgeous house and Martin is only 1 year older than me.” OK, is nice for them I guess? Every time these silly arguments started to come up, I switched myself off into my safety bubble, all alone. I let no emotions, chaotic situatons to influence myself and I just slowly flew on my laid down path, with eyepatches on. I always knew I want something different. I wanted to fight and be heard. Every time there was a conflict at work, with a friend or family member or with a partner, I eliminated it in the early stages and just ignored the rest.

And when these eyepatches were finally removed, everything else followed. I had no pink glasses or filters for emotons. Real life was there for me, but not always in a bad way. Real life offered everything, you only had to have guts to reach out and take it, with all its plusses and minuses. Take it, dominate, take responsibility, but don’t just float by. Get yourself togeter, notice, do, learn and experience. If not now then... when?

This half of a year has thrown so many obstacles and opportunities on my way and I have caught most of them. I guess one of the most difficult period was spending some insane time at a house in the middle of nowhere, without any water or normal comforts. This has made me appreciate small benefts of our everyday life.

I think I have mentioned this earlier as well, that February and March were probaby the hardest months this year. I was given a challenge to overcome and boy, it was tough. Namely, I got pregnant. As a woman who has never wanted to become a mom due to several and long reasons which I will not discuss today, I was in a cocmplete shock. I felt happy, scared, angry. Why now? Universe has its twisted sense of humour and it turned out that the pregnancy is not carriable for medical reasons and abortion is a must. I did not have a single day to stay home and mourn and endure grief. Oh, no, they needed me back to work ASAP. So I ignored the pain of loss and carried on with even more enormous work tempo to keep up. This period started a chain reaction which pulled me cruelsomely to the edge of the cliff. Work does not sleep, it waits impatiently. Even on these two horrible days I had to go through with the process, I did some work since I had become irreplacable.

All the emotions sealed up just blasted out as soon as some smaller bebble hit my bicycle. I cried hysterically, screamed. There were no days where my eyes weren’t bloodshot and with dark underlines.

In some sort of a sick twisted way I felt good, since I was needed, everything depends on me and I am sure it will get paid off nicely in the end when I have worked until my nose bleeds. In this tunnel vision I did not realize that skipped recovery and unresolved grief had made me this maniacal, delusional self-centered zombie, who lived for her workdays. All my free time I spent worrying about next work day. I did not notice anymore how my mom is doing, how are my friends and what is my partner up to. Every time we went off to one of our van trips I just existed somewhere in my thoughts about how much there is still to do. And it’s even more sadder, that I did not even notice myself anymore in the free world.

“Yea, but how would you go on?” was the main question I was asked when with a shaky voice I admitted that I need to quit my job right now and don’t want to take such responsibilities for a while now, only for myself. Everyone can do it. If there is a will, there is a way.

I am happy that I have at least won almost the entire battle with eating disorder, although I have to admint I am not proud over the inner criticizm about my body, which has grown 8 kg heavier since last summer. This means I still have days I hide under baggy clothes and just wait until these dark thoughts pass. There are days where I absolutely veto going to the beach because ‘it’s cold’. Actually I am reminding myself of that year where I had a killer six-pack, hip bones and tiny bikinies fit me so well, but now I look more like a curvy, slightly soft female not nearly showing signs of being physically active. Although, I am now in that golden zone where my weight is not going up nor down almost at all, no matter how much or little or what kind of foods I eat (plant based always of course). I guess it is positive, my body has found it’s perfect zone, but I--- don’t really like it. This mentality here is something now that I have to work with, with all my spare and peaceful time.

Since 25 July I am (f)unemloyed. And happy. I have made sure that I will be secured, will not be homeless and have food and I have a first step of a plan prepared. Priority for now is to help myself out of this destructive black hole that influences not only me but other close ones as well.

I don’t have black shadows under my eyes anymore. I sleep deep, without any random wake ups, I finally have time and motivation to cook, bake and test out recipes that have been collecting dust since forever. From day to day I get back to introduce myself to my long lost hobbies like kite surf, reading, writing, drawing and yoga.

I have finally startrd to realize that next to me there are people that I love unconditionally and to whom I have shown insanely rude attitude. Have you ever felt that re-falling in love again? I am currently feeling it with tripple multiplications, because I have once again fallen in so much love with my dog, my boyfriend and my hero on this topsy-turvy road, my family, friends and life itself.

I will not even take a glance anymore to that 100 promises I made earlier this year. Life is just so much different with completely new challenges. If anything, then I can mark this time period here as my new and fresh chapter for my life.

[aqvarius]

Do you think Kazuomi is actually really serious with his relationship with mc? Because I don't think so and I feel bad since his mc is most likely be more invested in their relationship emotion-wise.... Same goes with Kei too, even though his hasn't overcome his trauma but I think he shouldn't be in a relationship with his mc (cant put it into words). How would you rank them in terms of "serious, emotionly and mentally stable, compatability" since imho only yuzu and his mc are a fit lol

hmmmmmm good question. i have to admit that i haven’t yet played kazu’s s2 fully (but have read his s2 pov and the epis) but the feeling i get from his and his mc’s relationship is that it’s a really fresh relationship which hasn’t yet matured. kazuomi and his mc are a good match in terms of chemistry and compatibility in that they always challenge each other. i did think they were finally getting close in obscura where he finally got to see her ‘real self’ and i was kinda hoping they would drop the whole games thing and really start to get to know each other beyond the banter. and then they kind of went and reversed that development with nudus and season 2. his s2 pov made me realise that at that time, he wasn’t actually in love with his mc, he’s just attracted to her more intensely than he has been with the other women in her life. so he ‘fell’ for her in season 1 but in my opinion it wasn’t really love. and tbh even at the end of his season 2, i think he likes her VERY much but i’m still on the fence as to whether or not it’s love. i think it’s pretty obvious from the way i talk about my favourite voltage moments/characters/couples that i love DEVELOPMENT lol and i just feel like with kazu and his mc, there is a sort of sense of arrested development? one of the big issues in his season 2 imo that i feel didn’t get resolved in his pov (i can’t say about the main route) is that he is confronted with having to change his way of life for the sake of his gf and their relationship and yet every time he chooses to just do things his own way? 

edit: rest of the answer placed under cut for season 2 spoilers + length

for kazu, i feel like their relationship will only mature when he’s willing to give up the core aspects of his “selling points” (money/power/games) for his mc and their relationship. i do understand that they’re still pretty early on in their relationship, like it’s just been a matter of months and you don’t get deep with people that easily, but i hope that we do eventually get to see him really change in the future and they can love each other sincerely for who they are underneath all the games and banter. i think that’s why i love his self-pleasure story in otkoi bc we just got to see kazu do stuff that’s so not his style just for her, and then they had a really straightforward and wholesome talk about what’s missing in their relationship without being hidden behind codes and games. 

i think they rely so much on the concept of kazuomi as thrilling that we don’t really get to see that many genuine moments with him which i’m a bit sad about, because i love his genuine side the most. even in devians, when he was pretending to be normal, he still orchestrated everything and then the story took it back to that whole concept where the selling point of the route is that kazuomi is really rich and powerful and does huge grand gestures. i don’t mind that bc kazuomi is Extra to his very core but i really miss the REAL kazuomi that we saw in his s1 being all soft for just like... seeing busy and vibrant spaces full of happy people.

insert that magneto “i prefer the real [owner of the] raven [hotel]” meme lmao.

ANYWAY i do think that his occultus second night shows him finally starting to open up a little outside of just like “you’re the only one who can match up to my wits”. i feel like kazuomi showing off with grand gestures and flaunting his wealth and power is kind of his way of coping with the loneliness and trauma of the darkest part of his life, which is why it’s so significant that he lets her into the space where he was at a low point living in that motel before meeting zack. i hope that we get to see kazu really have to sacrifice some of his current core values/priorities for the sake of his mc, and i hope the way he thinks about her changes to become deeper and more mature beyond just like “she can always stand up to my challenges” - basically going from liking and being attracted to her to really loving her. 

with kei, i have a lot of mixed feelings about how bdsm is presented. since i’m not a mental health professional, i don’t really want to make any strong comments about what’s healthy or not when dealing with childhood trauma aside from like the idea that therapy is important (although kei himself admits that he’s actively driven away all his therapists). but i agree that he hasn’t overcome his trauma and, like kazu, still hasn’t even after the events of his s2. i haven’t read any of the content after his s2 main story so i can’t speak on what happens when his mc meets his grandparents and such but just based on the way he just peaced out during his s2, it’s evident that his issues manifest through at the very least his phobia of commitment (not even going to comment on the way he acted when her necklace was broken and how she was literally afraid of his reaction and also the way he like... forced her to drink juice? i picked the option where i tried to reject the juice and the fact that he forced me to anyway and she drank it bc she was afraid of him made me really uncomfortable lol). in my opinion, his sexual relationship with his mc is also very much based on his issues with power and control (ostensibly stemming from trauma) and she kind of bends over backwards to not step on his toes when it comes to his control issues. my experience with bdsm is that communication (and aftercare lol) is so important for maintaining a healthy relationship but i just kind of feel like she’s not necessarily an active participant as a sub and doesn’t really know what being a sub entails in a healthy dynamic but rather is just like going along with what he wants bc (1) it’s thrilling maybe? (they really play up the like physical pleasure aspect) and (2) he might be kinda distant if they don’t do it like that? i guess? i don’t really know bc i don’t tend to read his stories bc i’m not like the most comfortable with how they deal with power play. 

i do think that the relationship he has with his mc isn’t exactly a balanced and healthy relationship? and i also think that kazuomi’s relationship (that we’ve seen so far) is also kinda unhealthy lol. essentially, with both kazu and kei, i feel like their relationships with their mcs kind of enable (what i perceive to be) the coping mechanism aspects of their personalities. 

WITH THAT SAID, i don’t think that people need to be at a fully stable and emotionally mature place to fall in love and start relationships and honestly voltage loves doing the thing where like the mc falls for awful people bc they’re only so mean bc they're so broken and she wants to fix them uwu shinobu narita lmao which personally i don’t like, but it does make for dramatic routes and does set up for future development. it’s still early stages yet in their relationships since i think they’ve only been together for a few months, and they’re definitely still testing the waters. i think we’re being tricked/distracted by all those dramatic climax moments into thinking that their relationship is really serious but tbh they are just barely beginning to actually open up to each other. i just hope that they allow the love interests (and their respective mcs) to mature and develop into healthy people without just throwing out life threatening routes where the relationship dynamic doesn’t necessarily change but it just becomes about newer and grander ways of making big and powerful gestures to save the situation lol. does that make sense? i don’t know if i’m articulating myself well. 

but anyway i agree, from season 1 i always though yuzu’s mc was the best out of all of them. and they are the only ones who have a remotely healthy relationship like why is the yuzu the only one who’s actually considerate? sometimes he can be such an obtuse block of wood but that’s just who he is as a person. and when it comes to the important stuff, he’s actually the most willing to change and compromise for his mc. like... the Difference between kazuomi and his mc’s contract scene vs yuzu and his mc’s contract scene is kind of astronomical. even in yuzu’s devians which is like 3 chapters long only, you can see his growth from being an insensitive blockhead to really trying to understand what she needs from their relationship. and just looking at the way that he treats her emotions re: their relationship has evolved from treating it like a beta test where they give each other feedback reports to him embracing her ‘bugs’? that’s growth babey. time for kazuomi and kei to learn some lessons from the only valid masquerader. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

even more prompts catchup

April 5th: What was school like for you, or what is it currently like for you if you are still in school? Elementary, high school, post-secondary?

i Hate/d school lmfao......like i do Like To Learn and Know Shit, and of course Sometimes / on some occasions it was like, hey i'm having a good to pretty great time at school, but those were usually Special occasions or teachers going out of their way to give us you know, fun projects / go beyond the Standardized Testing curriculum, which natch they couldn't always do / did require sort of going Above & Beyond, rather than being the constant, guaranteed experience of like hooray for school......it's like, oh hooray re: the Play Scenes my fourth grade english class did that was like, an Extra thing, where we got to audition and i just had a great time like oh right, clearly Theatre in retrospect, or hooray re: the field trips, or projects we did In Class, since i hated homework.......i was always that accursed (i mean, not accursed for Me, but) combination of "really a terrible student but also gets great grades" lmao i forever do things Last Minute but like, when i was At school, in class, i'd just power through whatever work there was then & there usually, and in middle school would sometimes do hw on the bus, as i was the last on the bus route to be picked up in the morning or dropped off in the afternoon, but as soon as i got home i was in Home Mode and yknow. didn't just sit down and continue School Stuff asap. also hardly ever Studying unless it's the night / morning before a test lmfao but i had a great memory for that stuff, so studying that last minute was like "yep, i Do remember this from going over it 2 seconds ago" so yknow, despite hating school / no good Study Habits(tm) or anything, i did fine. i also read a ton, at home or at school and at any other point. so i was also like, quiet and generally ~well behaved~ or whatever lol (the like "how are kids (or anyone) supposed to stay focused and on task for 7+ hours a day..." thing), segue into next paragraph

i also remember like, 3 day a week preschool being the first time i was, you know, in some sort of School and also around other kids that much, i did have this sense that like, somehow there were Rules that i wasn't following, not re: Classroom Rules or something, but wrt socializing with peers, like that everyone else had something going on in how they interacted which i wasn't gonna get right, & i had this sense of like, not really being Allowed to interact lmao, even being 4 years old i have a few distinct memories re: this of like, a) choosing to play by myself in the classroom or when outside, and b) my "best friend" being the one person who just like, chose to hang out with me lmfao, but i was like oh cool Having A Friend lmao, like i didn't Not want to have friends, i was just already aware of like, i don't feel like i can just up and interact w/these people and i don't feel like they want me to, and c) re: that being aware of whatever Rules Of Interaction existing and that i wouldn't meet them / abide by them and thus there'd be some kind of repercussion for not meeting those rules, and not being allowed, i remember that like. there was this other indoor playspace in the lower level and there were toys i wanted to play with but Refrained from, and it was like, why did 4 yr old me get the idea i Wasn't Really Allowed, and most of what i can theorize is that it was like, well other kids might want to play with that, and the Normal / Better kids should get priority lmao, and/or being nervous that it just might otherwise lead to some sort of Interaction i wouldn't feel ready for.....and d) sitting at a table with like whatever 4 or 5 other kids or something and amongst ourselves someone was like "oh put your foot in the middle if you're [x]" and i tried to join in on a technicality lmfao and also just in, you know, active efforts to be Participating with these other kids on their terms, and it did not pay off, something that repeated uhhhhh, forever i guess lol. insert that post like can allistic people be normal for 5 seconds.....

like in elementary school i wasn't really making friends either, incredibly, i was Amicably Tolerated by many people then & like, again also at any point after at least lmao (and it helps that i was generally in teachers' good graces, not that i narced on anyone ever, but i had like, my Niche as the Academically Successful One, and also i was the kid who draws, another shoutout to some post and tweet about how being The Drawing Kid was like, some measure of respect but also disdain lmfao...) and sometimes people would again like. choose to interact with me repeatedly, and i'd sort of be nonplussed at best b/c it's like, okay thanks but in this situation i didn't Choose this any more than i choose [Trying to be in the group but being rejected/excluded], so it's kinda weird, i was friends with someone for a few years in elementary school but we just were Coincidentally in the same class for those years, when we were in different classes in 3rd or 4th grade and just weren't seeing each other it fizzled out, in middle school i made another couple friends where we were all being Funny lmao, but i didn't go to high school, so once again we weren't seeing each other, and [At School] was where i always had most Interactions with people, didn't see people much outside of school even if we were hanging out / being friends During school, for [a whole tangent] reasons, so. guess the good news is i'm still in touch / friendly acquaintances with some people from school from college, but even then, there was Some more social success or whatever, but not all That much, and i was still unhappy like, not having many friends, often being like "i'm going to the cafe a block away b/c i have no social occasions here and i want to get out of the dorm / be around people," that if i was with more than one other person i could end up the third wheel friend lmao or nobody is paying attention when you talk or oh no i put myself out there hanging with a friend group but maybe people thought you were a joke or something, thanks. smh

and that like, speaking of college, i went early but this was, for my part, truly primarily driven like "well i hate school so if i can Not go to high school, okay" and like, while i got in and everything it was still like "tf is college, i've never known what i Want To Do so i wonder if i'll figure this out, but i'm not expecting to last past the first semester / year b/c this is college and i'm a terrible student actually lol" but then turns out i kept doing well enough like A's & B's like oh woops i guess i'm still here, then, hope i can figure out what tf "credit hours" means (finally did lol).....then sophomore year was a bunch of just Agonizing over "what tf do i major in," something i never figured out, wherein i might bring something up & it got parentally shot down like "never heard you talk about that" like what tf Did you hear me talk about? are you thinking i had my life figured out by age 9, b/c i didn't think that, i'm only 15/16 even Now, even being the Regular college age it's like, nobody's figuring their life out then. also i didn't tell my parents things, so. and then i settle on something that sure, Might've been of interest, but also it was like, a) a program that barely existed and req'd taking classes at a like 30 min away campus and also the head of department had Just retired and the most heinous teacher in the related fields was now in charge, brilliant and b) the sort of thing you'd just wanna start taking prerequisites for like as soon as you set foot on campus, like, great. and c) i was like, hardly feeling all the Academic Ambition anyway b/c i never had, b/c i hate/d school, and b/c i still didn't Know what i wanted to major in, and i was stressed n depressed and also realizing oh right, i'm not cishet, and oh right, i'm never going to get along with my family b/c [long tangent] reasons and that's kind of concerning, here i am impending Being 18 and like, how do i get out of this b/c it's becoming clearer that i'm not just gonna start getting along with the 'rents now that i'm not an elementary schooler and also now that i'm realizing the Reasons being at home sucks. guess i learned stuff in college lol but also it was like, the experience of getting to be Away From Home and existing every day without parents literally / figuratively over my shoulder at some point every day, and getting to do shit on my own and figure things out while Not At Home.....i also had a lot of fun taking a couple classes from this one music prof lol. he was this weird really enthusiastic and really knowledgeable guy lmao like great, these evening classes where we go over to the arts building and he plays things on the piano off the cuff and tells a lot of tangential stories while we're learning about like, beethoven technically, or folk music. didn't need those classes but they were great, i've had these teachers who were totally into whatever they were teaching and had a great time with that

also acknowledgment to the fact i was a No Extracurriculars person all through school, k thru 6 and college alike really, although i took dance class for that k thru 6 period, just that was separate from school actually (and another fun "being away from home" thing and Theatresque performance thing i enjoyed) but besides that it was like, how do i figure out what i want to do without committing to joining this whole thing, i don't know How to sign up for stuff really either, and it'd probably entail "asking for stuff" and needing to coordinate more rides and etc and that's just a hassle, and i wanna go home from school asap anyways, and then like, when it came to college, i was again at first thinking like "well idk what i'm doing and i hate homework so i'll probably mess it up in this first year anyways" and figured that doing anything Extra outside classes was just gonna be too much, and also, it's like, i've never been in these kinds of groups before and why am i gonna start in college, where there'll probably be all these people who Have done this stuff before, and are also 18? e.g. even though it was like "hey you're away from home and don't have to ask/tell anyone else anything to do this club stuff or whatever!" supposed ideal environment for trying stuff out, it was like, maybe i'm theoretically interested in auditioning for the fall theatre production, but the last acting experience i had was like, "2 month drama class in middle school" or "that 4th grade [section of a] play" so like, not really Any education or experience or Training re: any of that stuff, and a bunch of 18 yr olds who might've, or [age peers] who were theatre people who had already done stuff so they weren't getting Lead Roles or anything but they were getting cast / taking classes / joining an a capella group while i'm like right on, i'm over here with some sort of Grade Honor Society (??) saying my gpa qualifies me to join and be able to experience some further academic rigor/requirements lmfao and i'm like absolutely not. get away lol. anyways so bit of a chaotique Post K12 Zone Education Experience there lmfao, all kinds of things i'd Like to Learn and even take classes on, but didn't like, right i love learning languages but never took classes, love math and shit but only got to a certain level of calc and even then seemed to miss some Lore, never did anything re: theatre, etc and so on. so you wonder if some advantages re: high school would be like, more chances for those extracurriculars (or regular curriculars) but, as though i wouldn't have the same qualms about getting in on any of it, and as if i wouldn't've still hated school but also still been at home, F. and i think people can be a lot more normal to each other when it's college and you're Not stuck in one building together 8 hours a day lmao, got some gentle "occasional Bullying style attention" in middle school, but had juuust enough like, [that Niche of good grades / kid who draws] and people who Were friendlier to me that it was you know, unpleasant, but didn't have to be that huge a deal, and then i was outta there soon enough. also, in college many people are 18 or older, as opposed to 11 to 13. anyways the rest of my school story was that in the end the problems were "i don't know what i want to major in and also now's a worse time than ever b/c i've realized my existence At Home is untenable, and naturally i am quite depressed & stressed about things, and i gotta say absolutely virtually every adult presence was either totally unhelpful to Counterproductive here lmao, like, not much anyone could do really but it's helpful when someone is like, i'll treat you like a person vs simply just going 'uh why are you not doing the academic stuff good enough'" lmfao like. the whole time Not having friends i'd wanna talk to through class and happening to get good grades in part b/c i somehow Could as easily as i did and also i was afraid of getting C's or worse b/c "tfw i wasn't even yet in a grade that gave you A thru F grades yet but my older sister caught shit for getting a C

like :/" and etc means adults are like My Student Is Fine, and also, what are you gonna do even if they aren't, i guess. i just had to figure out completely for myself Why and How i really wasn't Fine and that was quite difficult and also took a long time. then there was a mutual prank of "i drop out of college at the tail end of things" and "now i have to be at home with parent/s more resentful of your obvious Waywardness (insert: not being cishet, and the fact it occurs to me that my being autistic was always causing 'problem' behavior i was getting shit for like, the whole time lmfao, even if nobody knew / labeled it like oh this is for ND reasons, or if it was both true i tried to come out (smh, thought i Had to b/c that was part of Not Being Cishet) and it was simply ignored / unaddressed and yet it sure fueled further specific resentment of my not Performing Gender properly, or "worse," so that went well, in that i eventually abruptly left and did not maintain contact, in the interest of "the levels to which i was thriving was like, that if i bailed and like died 50 hrs later it'd still be what i want to do," true to that i did not / don't regret it. and what do you know, i was first able to bail to a relatively nearby friend from college's home, whose family also liked me lmao. shoutout to school still being where i made Any friends, except a friend i made who was a coworker of several years. and Online Friends, which, another school connection, that like, i can more readily Connect w/people via talking about interests, something that happened Sometimes at school in person lmao but not much, but also that i Talk About Interests in a way through Drawing, which, well shoutout to doodling in the margins of papers throughout school lmfao, it didn't hurt! that's my saga.

oh and that footnote, i also really enjoyed the "in middle school you either take language classes or 4 Electives you rotate through each year" and those electives sure featured some more varied and hands on activities i had a great time with. shoutout to like, cooking, and to shop class, my Car Designs were great apparently, idk how. shoutout to my Intuition re: engineering or something lmaoo.....very fun to just end the schoolday in that big garage space where you could actually open that garage door right to where all the buses were, beautiful. Oh, and that's another footnote, when my last class of the day in 8th grade was english, i'd sometimes finish work early and my teacher would let me go to our spacious library, with the v nice librarian who'd recommend books to me she thought should be checked out more often b/c she knew i liked to read that much, and also just generally had teachers / other adult staff kinda wandering in at the end of the day, talk about "i don't really relate to other ppl my age" where i did generally prefer to be around adults, so that was fun. oh and also shoutout to hating school lmao wherein during like, middle school when the schoolday started at like 7:30am or smthing disgusting and i just learned to like, view whatever time it was in a "at least it's almost [x]" like well okay, first period is math and that kinda sucks but at least once it's over this hardest part of the day will be over, then next class is kinda more chill at least, and then it'll be the last period before lunch, etc etc etc where i could sort of keep up that stamina like telling myself at any point it was Almost [a more encouraging time of day] lmao like. kinda fucked up to have to be dragging yourself through the weekdays like that, but

Oh! goddamn and i didn't even get into that if i ever got in ~trouble~ in elementary school it was stuff like Not Paying Attention, but where half the time that might be some other kid beside me messing around lmfao and i'm not gonna be like "uhhh follow the rules!!!" (and that even when i was In Trouble like go sit in the chair where you have to be quiet there for like 10 min i might say something to some other kid in that zone and they'd be like "um it's the quiet chair you have to be quiet!!" or "uh we're getting into the next lesson and you have to put that book back asap" like wow these other kids are dweebs about Rules lmfao) and there'd just be times like, it's 1st grade and i know how to read pretty well already but we're going over the alphabet like stoppp i know the Phonics already........or the ways ND people can kind of Intuit some stuff more successfully, like in third grade learning multiplication i neverrrrr studied but just broke it down like, okay i remember the Fives b/c of telling time, i know the 2x table and stuff, i know the commutative property, if we're all the way at the 8x and i haven't Memorized stuff, i can still like, break it down to say, [5 x 8] + [8 x 2] or something when i see 8 x 7, even if it takes a second lmfao.......and stuff like the tragedy of when i Did make a friend in like, 2nd grade, who i think we didn't even talk to each other ever?? i was playing legos or smthing by myself once during Indoor Recess and she just started playing agreeably along with me, aka someone socializing on My Terms apparently as our Introduction, and we just were friends past that but one time, not even during a Lesson Session, we were messing around quietly making each other laugh as the incredibly important process of "put papers in your folders" was going on, and since we were Not Paying Attention for some reason the teacher made a whole example of it where i had to carry my desk across the classroom for the Shaming Element of it and also so that i had to permanently sit way further from that friend, so that was kind of discouragement re: interacting at all. thank you to that teacher, who'd later once Gesticulate to me from across the gym that i should put my arms down at my sides rather than being crossed (we were rehearsing some class performance) & i had no idea what she was trying to convey, so afterwards she told me i had to have Reduced Recess Time or some shit because of Ignoring her instead of putting my arms down lmfao. and i was irritated at having been misinterpreted / my Intentions dictated to me and punished like that, but i was also used to it from adults lmfao and did not bother explaining myself lol like yeah god forbid i left my arms crossed on purpose and now i have to read some more during recess. tl;dr school has so much nonsense & i def had some Times re: being autistic & also just being someone who hated school forever lmao, think it was Also 2nd grade where one arbitrary sunday night i just cried out of frustration at having to go back for another normal school week. classic. oh and that also, while i wasn't like "oooo booksmart people who hate not having a Definitive Correct Answer to things &/or ohhh autistic ppl So Good at math, in a way everyone hates and disrespects, but they suck at Literature/Arts which requires you to reflect on humanity and shit," like, not only was i the drawing kid but i was also apparently ahead of the curve as it were at like, Literary Analysis lmfao where there was a few times in elementary school i'd be the kid providing the Interpretation like "what's this poem about / what's the theme or Symbolism in this story," but from elementary school to college it's like, for god's sake don't ask me to come up with a story / work with some really open ended prompt, i don't Invent in that way, and when i try to draw on Inspiration i'll get stuck on some specific source and be unable to do anything but just rip it off really lmao. but then again i was prolific in "it's 1st grade and you write and illustrate a little short story or smthing in these booklets

that we then have a simple little binding process for" like ohhh fancy, i got a tootsie roll lollipop at Awards Time for writing a shit ton of those lol. but that's like, when you're too young to have that much of a Creative Process anyways lmao. but then, my older sister, whose Thing was writing, has an incredible 2 Volume like, noir mystery saga from those elementary school times, it's a classic lmao. anyways once again so much to say about School lol closing the door after meandering on that one for this long lol

April 6th: Are you able to drive? If so, was it difficult to learn? What was difficult about it? If not, do you use any alternatives?

i did learn to drive, tbh just universally it's like, at any point you're driving there's A Lot to pay attention to at once, even if you think you're Good At That or whatever, which i sure don't think i always am lol, and it's pretty wild we just, you know, let everyone go around as fast as they want in machines that can kill you or someone else, and this is also Unnecessary b/c like, let's have accessible & reliable public transit so that everyone can travel without Needing to have a car / someone else who will drive them. i didn't think i had too much trouble learning to drive, but it had to help that i just took it very seriously from the start lmao like, well, i'm quite aware i could kill someone with this. the driving classes i took were alright, i remember the instructor being pretty chill and friendly lol. rip to the fact i could be tense when driving with parent/s, when driving a manual i'd always like screech the tires when accelerating out of a Stop, until all at once it was like "and i'm driving that manual car alone on a road trip & wouldn't you know it, only literally once did i have that issue of not getting out of a stop smoothly enough" lmao like the Anxiety......really like yeah i had an alright time learning and think i'm solid enough at driving / like doing it, theoretically, but Driving Is Wild just in general and let's have that public transit

April 7th: How are you with sarcasm and/or metaphors/figures of speech? Do you interpret things very literally?

i think i Usually get what people mean with these Devices but i can't really say lol, but anytime you know, someone is being more Implicit in what they say, plenty of times i can infer one implication and only later realize they probably meant a different one, or yknow, i make whatever initial inference i make and can be stuck like "???" and have to like, mentally run diagrams about the interaction lol......meanwhile i'm not always remembering that like, if i'm shifting context mentally that's necessarily able to be inferred by whoever i'm talking to lol, whether it's about getting into some adjacent topic or like, i don't think it tends to be very clear even in person when i've started being sarcastic lmao, like i know that can be true for anyone but it's like well, guess i gotta make it clearer i'm doing a bit......flipside of that or something lmao that people are more Obvious than they think they are sometimes about like, idk, when someone is sort of making some sarcastic remark to you but the sarcasm is also sort of only to themself, aka just like okay i know you mean this more dismissively / disparagingly than re: what you're saying just at face value lol like. just always fun >:/

[meta-shadowsong]

Quick response to Mandalorian season finale

Behind a cut because, well.

Okay, yes, I am in this show for Dadalorian and Found Family etc. But I am at least as invested in the plotline this season about various factions of Mandalorians and their, for lack of a better word, sectarian disputes. Which frequently result in barfights. Because Mandalorians.

(AKA that scene where they picked up Bo and her minion was. A Delight.)

(Also, I love my girl Bo-Katan. Even if she’s very much a blunt instrument/not a politician going at this in all the wrong ways and was Very Rude to Boba but tbh I wasn’t 100% sure she was going to show up in this episode and I would’ve been Sad if we hadn’t gotten to see them meet. Either here or next season.)

(Still Sad at the lack of Sabine, though :( )

Leaving aside anything re: Gina Caranno (because that has been discussed by people much smarter and better-informed than myself), I’m kind of thrilled that the strike team was Almost Entirely Ladies.

(On that note. Uh. Does anyone else kinda. That little “Anyone else, we can take” smirk. And I just. Uh. Bo/Fennec, anyone??????)

(I kind of already ship Bo with Ventress tbh but a) multishipping ftw and b) threesome??????)

(Hi I’m shallow sometimes lol)

Anyway moving on.

Also the sound/almost-music when the Cylons Dark Troopers were activating was Excellent I approve.

And that Visual of the one trooper Din set on fire. ...honestly that whole hallway fight sequence was pretty Brilliant.

And the sort of...almost casual layer of the scene in the elevator. Even if these women haven’t worked together before, just that, “sure you don’t need any help with that?” “I got it. Excuse me.”

And that whole thing where Gideon was trying to Manipulate Din and he was like “...dude, I legit just care about the kid. I’ll fight for/with Bo-Katan because she’s pretty badass and I Might As Well plus she gets me what I want but I don’t...actually...Care about her Greater Cause?”

(Side note, I’ve spent a lot of time writing Bo-Katan/figuring out how her head works and literally all she cares about is Mandalore and its survival. It’s why she broke away from her sister in the first place, and has informed every single thing she’s done since. A lot of why she makes the specific choices she does goes back to the Mandalorian Civil War and her experiences there--especially since all the evidence indicates she was not with Satine and Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. The way that separation and their different experiences of that conflict probably contributed to the eventual destruction of what seems likely to have been a Very Close Relationship before that is fascinating to me. And the subject of a fic I’ve been working on off and on for a couple years now, lol.)

(...anyway, where I was going with this was--I mean, yes, Gideon knows everything in terms of facts, but he doesn’t always interpret them correctly. IMO, Bo-Katan’s desire to rule Mandalore is less about power (for herself) than it is about Mandalore. Especially given some of what she says to Sabine in Rebels--if there was someone else she genuinely trusted to take the throne and rule her world, she’d be willing to cede her claim and be one of their generals. Especially since she’s very much not a political animal. She’s an excellent war leader, but not so much in terms of actual Governance.)

(insert long ramble about the Parallels between her and Anakin, which I touched on in one of my fanfics, lol; and will probably do more with in my BB project which involves the two of them and Padme as the main characters)

(And, yeah, she does want to fight Din for the right, but if she thought Din would be a good Duke/King of Mandalore, I think she would seriously considering swearing allegiance to him? Again, witness how she handled things with Sabine. Also she would probs prefer to avoid a third (fourth?) civil war in her lifetime. But, I mean. I love Din but he is. He is not a Leader. Not like her people need.)

(And I think the way things played out with Sabine affects her decisions here, too--she did accept the Darksaber as a gift/tribute then, but proceeded to lose it. Maybe she does need to fight for it the way Maul and Viszla did (presumably; we don’t know how he got the Darksaber; it may be something he inherited/have been held by House Viszla for a while, even if they never used it to dethrone the Kryzes until now).)

(But, then again, I mean, this has been her life for at least a decade, so...well, maybe she wouldn’t quite step aside. Even if an Absolutely Perfect candidate came along. But WRT Din specifically--given who he is and what he’s capable of, while she absolutely wants him in her camp (and on a personal level isn’t super thrilled about having to fight him like this; she seems to genuinely like this kid), my guess is she doesn’t want him ruling. Not without some more actual leadership training/experience. Because, well, he’s been either a follower or a loner in everything we’ve seen him in, and given Bo’s opinion of (possibly experience with?) the Watch/the group who raised him, and the fact that he’s consistently shown himself to have super-narrow priorities and not really caring about much outside of them...yeah, she probs has some Concerns.)

(Plus, he clearly doesn’t want it. And you have to Want It on some level in order to be an effective ruler--that Wanting can be from genuine altruism/wanting to make the world better, like we see with Bail and Padme; it can be from single-minded determination to Make Things Right, like Satine and I would argue Bo-Katan (Leia falls into either the first or second category, depending on the point in her storyline); and it can come from a desire for personal power and advancement (as we see with Pre Viszla and, of course, Skeev Palpatine himself; to be fair, rulers in this third category tend to be bad in other ways lol). But someone who genuinely doesn’t want power generally kind of Sucks when they’re unexpectedly handed it. Which I could cite several IRL historical examples of. And, I mean, obviously, this isn’t the only factor in play for what makes a good ruler/leader (see above re: Palps and Pre Viszla), but it is a factor.)

(Also, to clarify: none of these are bad qualities/traits, necessarily? Like, traits are good or bad depending on whatever context a person/character finds themself in. And in Din’s current context, with his current life and mission--even in situations where he has to coordinate with other groups in the service of a larger goal--these are excellent traits to have. But for someone who’s responsible for an entire nation? Not so much.)

(One could argue that Bo has some Issues there, too, albeit different ones, which is why I think she might be willing to step aside and cede her claim to a Genuinely Good/Better Alternative, if she found one. She’s a war-leader, not a ruler, and the two jobs require overlapping but different skillsets.)

(..........honestly? I don’t think the show would go there, but I think the two of them as a team/partnership ruling Mandalore would actually be really effective? Either on an equal footing or with one as the Official Ruler and the other as a second-in-command/right-hand. She has the leadership expertise and the actual will and drive to pull this off, and he has the diplomatic skill, as we see with the Tusken Raiders, among others.)

(Not a romantic partnership, lol, that would be Weird, but a political and probably eventually platonically affectionate one. Especially with how Mandalore feels about family of choice/adoption, and the fact that they’re both kind of alone now (whatever happened to Korkie, anyway??) even if no formal adoption is likely in their case...)

(Anyway. Uh. Long tangent aside...)

(also if there’s anyone who didn’t see Gideon trying to decapitate Din when his back was turned...IDEK what you were expecting. Like. I am All About guys like Pellaeon in the Imperial ranks, and the fact that there might be a few people who would make that offer/deal and be on the level. To say nothing of my best beloved Alexsandr Kallus. But. Uh. Gideon is. Not one of them.)

(Also, I thought it was a Nice Touch when the spear started turning red--because, no, the Darksaber can’t cut pure beskar. But it does generate heat, as we’ve seen in, say, TPM. And beskar does melt.)

Also, called it on tossing the Cylons Dark Troopers out the airlock Not Working in the long term.

While it’s not Cool or Flashy like a bomb or slicing, the Cylons Dark Troopers pounding the doors down with their goddamn fists was Cool and Terrifying in all the best ways.

Side note--I think even if I hadn’t been spoiled (forgot to mute the spoiler channels on the SW Discords I’m on before going to bed, and checked on autopilot), X-wing + Grogu perking up would’ve probably clued me in and I would’ve been SHRIEKING. I was still vibrating super hard even though I knew who was coming, but it probably would’ve been slightly more XD

(and then a moment of HAHA GIDEON KNOWS WHAT’S COMING)

(and so does my girl Bo)

(and then the green ‘saber and the glove and other costume details and IF YA DIDN’T SCREAM BEFORE YOU SURE ARE NOW!!!!)

(Kind of cool that they waited until the last minute before showing his actual face though)

NO MY GIRL BO-KATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(IF YOU DIE WHO WILL GET DRUNK AND SWAP WAR STORIES AND MAYBE HAVE VICTORY SEX WITH FENNEC)

(shut up i’m shallow)

(also I love her she’s legit one of my favorite characters in this series I don’t want her to die DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD:)

OH GOOD SHE GOT UP

(yeah that was my actual real-time reaction to her getting shot lol)

“Talent without training is nothing.” ::insert Obvious/Tired joke about Luke having all of three months’ training At Best::

(also, I mentioned this in my last quick reaction, as well as elsewhere, but I’m...still kind of uncomfortable with the continuing implication that the Jedi path is the only option other than Darkness. Not because it’s a bad one, either in the PT-era or with Luke’s reconstruction. But the idea that the only way to achieve the mindset/emotional stability/whatever needed to wield the Force without Falling is through adapting the Jedi philosophy sits wrong with me. especially the implication that you can only do so from an early age/in isolation from other influences or bonds; which is a word I’m using very specifically because there’s a difference between Attachment as defined by the Jedi and interpersonal bonds which they clearly have and I don’t want this to get derailed by that particular Discourse(tm) That doesn’t even super hold up on Earth, with a single species, let alone in a galaxy with trillions of beings of multiple different species. Basically, people and the galaxy--and by extension the Force, which is in part created/influenced by living beings--are way too complicated for there to be only one right answer.)

(Also, it...doesn’t really hold up with the core message of Star Wars, which is about Choice? If the only way you can be a Good Force Adept is by meeting this extremely narrow set of criteria, most of which are outside your possible control......but I should probably save this for a separate post, lol.)

(The point is, I mentioned earlier in the post how much I’m LOVING the throughline in this season about different factions/sects among Mandalorians, and I think it would be Great if we got more of that with Jedi/Light adepts.)

(Anyway. Uh. Back to the episode...)

That FACE MOMENT had me legit crying omg

ARTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!@@21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg had they MET

I...don’t know what I was expecting from the credits but Welp. I wonder who the body double was...

(And before you ask, I didn’t really get the Uncanny Valley effect from Rogue One, not even Tarkin, so.....yeah, I guess I don’t always pick up on that, or it hits me from weird directions, lol. Because I sometimes get that from the Rebels animation, especially in stills/gifsets, because everyone’s faces are all so Smooth...)

.........Jabba’s palace, okay.

.......Bib Fortuna, Okay.

(those fingernails, however, are Not Okay)

YAY RESCUE THE GIRL.

Good on you, Boba, just shooting him in the face instead of letting him posture!

although why you want to rule Tatooine is...okay then.

LOL at Fennec perching on the arm of the chair, sipping her booze all casual-like.

Right! So that was an Experience! Overall, I liked it. Looking forward to how Din and Bo handle things moving forward, in particular! Because, like I said, I’m in this series for Dadalorian (so IDK how I’ll feel with it no longer being the Core Story since Grogu left with Luke) and in this season for the Mandalorian factions/sects and how they interact.

I’m also not sure how I feel about three interconnected series leading up to a Major Finale Event? Disney’s Star Wars has not had a super great track record with giving all the information needed to follow things in the core product (see: the ST worldbuilding lol, and also some of the cameos/appearances in this season, even), so I’m Skeptical of how well they’ll do explaining what is Necessary in each of the three series, in case someone only watches one or two.

What were your thoughts?

[shenanigans-and-imagines]

The Interview: Rough Notes

I know I still need to finish O’Neil’s intro episode, but I finished watching The Interview and took notes.  I’ll properly arrange this later, and will do some re-writes, but here are some of her initial answers I came up with.

Elizabeth “Doc” O’Neil Character Sheet

What’s Up Doc? Part 1

Word Count: 2.1K

Do you see anything good at all coming out of this war?

No.

You answered that rather quickly.

You gave me an easy question. I don’t. I don’t see anything that can be gained or any real good in the long run. But I don’t see that in most wars really.

So you think there are some wars that can produce some good?

Only in extreme circumstances, but I don’t think Korea is one of them. 

Is there anything from home that you brought over with you? Home comforts?

Books, that’s really the only thing I could think of.

Really? Nothing else?

Well everything else is temporary, in terms of things you can bring over. Shampoo or make up or even a nice dress can only last you so long and then you spend however long you’re here wishing you had them for a little while longer. But books are more consistent, safer bet. 

What books did you bring if you don’t mind me asking?

I might mind you asking a little bit. (laugh) Ah, nothing of real high literature, really just any fantastical thing to distract you from all this for a while. 

What do you feel was the most difficult thing you had to adjust to over here?

The language I think, more than anything. 

You mean with the locals?

Yes. Korean is just so different from English. With something like French or German there’s enough of a base root to kind of figure it out, but Korean is completely foreign in comparison. It’s harder to get your foot in. But, at the same time it’s a study in universality. 

How so?

Well, facial expressions, I guess. You know a smile or tears or fear, it’s the same on every human face. I think we forget that sometimes, that there is that universal language we all share. 

Do you feel there are different pressures on you as a female doctor as compared to your male co-workers?

Yes and no. Um…(laugh) I know that’s not really an answer. Yes in the sense that it takes longer for people to trust me. With higher ups or other officers that come in here, let’s just say I’m always picked last for the team. But when we’re in OR actually doing our job I don’t feel that at all. I think the boys that come through here are just so happy to have their insides where they’re supposed to, they don’t care who did the sewing. 

What do you do when you’re not working?

Uh..reading, talking, catching up on sleep. Honestly anything really. Anything to keep you distracted for a while. I will say Pierce, Doctor Pierce, our chief surgeon, he’s probably the best at that. At keeping us distracted.

What sort of things has he come up with?

(laugh) I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say it on television.

So I take it there is a lot of boredom to go around.

Yeah, you can say that.

What do you do to combat it?

Same as before really, just about anything. But, I don’t really think it’s the boredom that really gets to me.  I mean there’s always something to do if you put your mind to it.  It’s the waiting, I think.  Like no matter how bored you might be there’s always this part that’s aware that it could end at any moment and you’re thrown right back into the chaos. 

Is there something special coming out of this in technical or medical elements as compared to WWII?

Nothing that makes any of this worth it. It may have taken a little slower back home to perform the tests and experiments we do here, but no.  Nothing that can make up for the loss of life here. 

Is there anything special coming out of this war? 

No. There’s nothing...you keep phrasing the same question over and over again in different ways; is this war worth it? And if I may be frank, by my count America has only been involved in two wars that have been worth it; the Civil War and World War II.  The Civil War to put an end to slavery and stop the systematic and tortuous execution of a people and World War II for the same reasons.  And I think that’s the only excuse.  That if somehow by the end of it you come out of a war with a net positive of people saved to lives lost.  So, no.  There is nothing special or good coming out of this war.

Do you get scared?

All the time, but I think that’s true of everyone here.

Is there a time you get more scared than others?

I think it’s the silence.  The silence is what scares me.  When you hear the bombs going off outside or gun fire, you know where you are.  You know where the fighting is coming from and you can focus on what you have to do.  But, in the middle of battle there are times everything goes quiet, no gunshots no anything, and those are the moments that scare me because I have no idea what’s going to happen next.  Either the fighting has stopped or maybe a bullet finally got me and I haven’t realized it yet. 

How would you describe yourself, are you a Captain in the U.S. Army or are you a doctor?

I’m a Doctor first, a woman second, and a captain last. 

Can you describe what you do?

We try our best to keep young boys alive which the U.S. Army is determined to kill, in however way we can. 

How do you keep your morale up?

Drinking, I think, is the common thing here. Ah, watching films. Um, God anything.  But, I don’t think morale is a good word for it.  Morale I always thinks implies some sort of patriotism or happiness in your work, and I don’t think there’s any of that really here.  I think it’s more just trying to find those moments where you can pretend you’re not here, if only for a little while.

How do you manage to stay sane over here?

The people.  The other doctors, nurses, and so on.  They’re how I stay sane.  If I were here by myself, I don’t think I could handle it. There would be no frame of reference to know this wasn’t normal.  But, so long as you can look to other people and see that they know this is crazy too, then it keeps you grounded. 

How did you pick the military as a career? You started as a nurse as I understand.

Yes, though I’m hesitant to call the military my career. Medicine has always been my profession, at least I’d like it to be.  I was training to be a doctor when World War II started, and it seemed at the time the right thing to do.  There was all the propaganda at the time and a kind of glamour to it, for lack of a better word. So I went and it...forced a new perspective. After you sew up enough kids with shrapnel in their spine, taking out appendices seems like small potatoes. 

So, is that why you joined? Some kind of greater purpose?

No, not greater purpose.  More I think the chance to do some real good.  Tangible good.  Plus the patients give you less attitude when they walk out. 

Has this whole experience changed you in any way?

Not drastically, at least comparatively.  Who I was at the start of the last war vs. who I was at the end of it was very different.  But who I was at the start of this war compared to who I’ll be at the end of it… I think, at least I hope, I’m more aware.  I’m more aware of other people and other perspectives and how that might shape how they see me.  I think in some ways I’m more open than I was just because there is really to pretext for hiding it.  But in terms of priorities, no I don’t think so. 

Do you have respect for authority over here?

Let me put it like this, I have respect for authority which has earned it. I do understand why the structure is there, but that doesn’t always mean the people in charge are there because they’re the best suited for the job. 

Can you tell me about the people with whom you’re working?

Wonderful.  All of them, each and every one.  I think I really got lucky in that sense. 

Does that include the nurses?

Of course.  The nurses here are fantastic and I don’t think people understand just how integral nurses are to every aspect of medicine.  Honestly, I think I worked harder as a nurse than I do now as a surgeon.  I’m more convinced than ever that nurses do exactly what the doctors do backwards and in heels. 

Do you agree now with romanticizing war? 

I don’t think I ever really did, but now it frankly disgusts me.  I can’t put it any other way.  Propping up war was some romantic adventure and proof of bravery is the most dangerous thing you can teach someone.  It genuinely makes me sick to think about. 

Do you have any heroes?

Marie Curie is probably the first that comes to mind. 

Could you explain who that is, for people who may not know?

Oh, yes. Marie Curie was physicist and chemist who pioneered studies in radioactivity. She one the Nobel Prize in physics for discovering two new elements, and in a way is the reason I’m here. During World War I she recognized how important it was to have mobile radiology units near the front lines.  Her involvement saved thousands of lives.  She was a woman of every study women aren’t supposed to study.  It’s hard not to look up to her. 

What do you think of president Eisenhower?

I’ve never met the man, so I can’t say. 

Do you ever get leave? 

Every now and again.  Tokyo is a great city, but unless you’re close to death or a mental institution, it’s hard to get away. 

Is there a lot of drinking here? 

No more than any other army camp I think.  It’s just another way to distract yourself. 

What do you think will happen when the U.S. leaves?

We’re going to be leaving it the same way we left it, but with more bombed buildings and dead bodies.  I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen to the people here, and I don’t think the U.S. Army really cares. 

Do you know the South Koreans? 

Of the families here, yes, very well.  At least I hope so after being here for so long.  I don’t think you can be here and not know them.  That who the U.S. army says we’re here for anyway. 

Can you tell me what you miss most back home?

My bed.  More than anything.  I miss having a real mattress and a hot shower.  My bed and my shower, those are the two things. I think it just comes down to being warm and comfortable.  It’s really either or here.  Either you’re comfortable and you’re freezing or you’re warm and you’re laying on a hard floor. 

What will you do when the war is over? Where is home?

I suppose I’ll go back to Philadelphia.

Is that where home is?

Home is a bit of a strong word, but it’s where my parents are and where I did most of my schooling.  I’ll probably head back there and try to find a job.

If home is a strong word, is there a place you would call home?

...I might have to get back to you on that. 

Do you want to say hello to anyone back in the states?

Um, I guess, hi Sophie. I hope you and Andrew are doing alright and I promise that next letter is coming. And if I you’re watching somehow; hi Mom, hi Dad.  I haven’t heard from you in a while so um, I’m still alive.  So, I’ve got that going for me.  

Would you want to see people here after the war? 

I hope so, yes.  When you go through something like this, you can’t really relate to anyone who hasn’t.  At least, it’s difficult to.  So as much as I don’t want to remember a lot of the things that have happened here, I know that they have and that I won’t be able to forget.  I want, at least the option, to reach out and talk to someone who understands.  I love so many of the people here, I don’t want them to be gone from my life. I don’t think I could take it. 

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Holy Hands | Houses With Teeth Update #2

HOLLA guess who’s back for another writing update!

If the title of this update seems unfamiliar--Houses With Teeth, what? who? when? why?--that’s because the last time I talked about this project on here was the first time, back in July! For a refresher, check out THIS very rambly post where I “intro” the project (very minimally as I had no idea what I was doing).

I still don’t know what I’m doing *exactly* but have made a semi-break through with this project and felt inclined to share. The last I spoke about HOUSES WITH TEETH at length was to vaguely describe what the project was. This book for those who don’t want to read the previous post, is the seventh book in my (very ongoing) series, Fostered. This book comes along five years after writing the first book in the series, after a major writing revolution.

I haven’t shared much about this on this blog because I wasn’t sure how to, but I really struggled with this project. HWT comes as the book after Rewired (book 6), which I finished drafting in March-ish of 2019. From then, until two days ago, I had no idea what I was doing with the series--if I could even continue it, and how I would continue it with all the changes my writing evolution presented. I chose to distract myself/keep busy with Moth Work, a spinoff of this series and my current novel, however, HWT sort of nagged in the back of my mind for many months. 

HWT is actually one of the reasons I ended book 6 so hastily! After getting a few ideas for new scenes, I fell in love with the idea of writing my protagonist Reeve in a city by herself, with new people we’d never met before. These rose-coloured glasses worked to my detriment, as the premature idea took over my decision-making process before I could properly understand what I wanted from it. 

After the end of Rewired, I thought everything was all fine and dandy! I had a new novel idea set up, ready to be written whenever I wanted. But something unplanned happened--I didn’t end up returning to the project. This is mostly because my desires for the book--whether to write it as a “real” book, or continue it as a semi-disjointed Fostered book (which isn’t shade to my past books, just the tea loool)--started to conflict. Though I started many openings (about 3k words of first scenes), nothing was sticking. I felt like I was misjudging my main character Reeve and making her more of a caricature than she really was. I feared I forgot who she was, and that her story was ending (scary!). 

This is where I (recently) found the root of the problem. My mischaracterization of Reeve worked against me, as I’d done exactly what I’d feared doing--misjudging who she was. It had been a long time since I’d written with Reeve, a character I’ve written with since I was thirteen, and though I felt I knew her, I also felt like I’d lost her in translation. While I was back home a few weeks ago, I began re-reading a few passages of book six to get a feel for a character, which helped, but didn’t cause any revelations. 

It was only a few days ago, when I helped @sarahkelsiwrites crack the plot of her novel that I felt an itch to try to crack mine as well. I first did this by paging through my (very minimal) notes for the book. This notes document consists basically of only two scene ideas I had that were a few thousand words long. Somehow, re-reading them helped me realize Reeve’s priorities, but most importantly, how much this book focuses on her vulnerabilities. It made me realize the root of her flamboyance toward the end of book six, and where her genuine side resided. 

So this leads to the actual update! 

Let’s first chat setting, y’all. This was a hard call to make, because I’d initially determined Reeve was going to be in NYC at the start of the book. The problem is, I’m *very bad* at writing real places, especially places I don’t personally know well. The thought of having to engage a five character cast (which seems small, but in a big city where they could be doing other things, feels big), and also have to write in this city accurately made the realism of this book too much for me to handle. I’m all for realism! But I wasn’t prepared for the culture shock that was “welp these books used to take place in an unknown unlocated subway station” to “so this book takes place in a real city”. It made too many things too real for me, the time period included (which is another crisis)! Setting this whole book in NYC overwhelmed me and I knew I wouldn’t do it justice. 

The problem is, I’d planned this entire book around NYC. At the start of my initial plan of HWT, Reeve is supposed to live in an apartment above a bakery with two housemates who I’d already sort of gotten to know! I couldn’t just throw all of this away, especially since I’d set Moth Work in a direction toward NYC so everyone could meet up easily. So what did I do? After reading those initial notes I mentioned above, I made it all backstory. ;) And boy! Did this also crack the book open. 

This was the first revelation I had with HWT 2.0. Allowing myself to move the book out of this setting, but still have the important parts got me to ask myself why Reeve would move to a big city with a new identity, and oh, did the pot start stirring ITSELF. I then decided to create a smaller town just outside of NYC where I can run amuck, lol. The town’s name is Wicker (for now) which I don’t dislike, though it hasn’t grown on me. I’m very bad at making up town names, and after many attempts, I settled for a very real word?? Lol.

This post is getting long, so I won’t explain the story unless y’all want to know, but I came to the decision that in this town, our fave soft boi Foster would have a nice house and his ideal cottagecore life, and all would be SWELL. Until!! This leads to our very hasty summary:

After escaping a toxic relationship, twenty-year-old Reeve disappears for the second time in one summer. She’s drawn to Wicker, a mealy town outside New York City, whose disappearances of affluent girls has caught her attention. The day she arrives, a sinkhole buries one of them in the front yard of her new home, a fixer-upper she shares with estranged friend, Foster. Quickly she falls prey to speculation by herself and others, who try to connect her to the tragedy. And even stranger, false recognitions as the girl in the ground, and the many other missing Wicker girls make her feel more and more like one of them--these alluring unknown women. 

(A huge thanks to @sarahkelsiwrites​ for literally cracking this book open for me, and for all the conversations we’ve had regarding this project! Literally this book wouldn’t exist without Sarah!)

Now let’s get into the first thing I wrote for HWT 2.0!

Holy Hands is the prologue of Houses With Teeth, and marks a milestone for the first prologue I’ve written! 

This prologue was a very impromptu thing. I drafted this a few days ago, and immediately felt something I’ve never felt writing any of the other (many) openings I’ve tested for HWT. It felt very right, but most importantly, I felt like I had Reeve back. It’s very possible for your own characters to hide from you (which is how I felt with Reeve), and though it’s taken very many months for her to really reveal herself to me, I’m so happy I’ve waited because I’ve never been so stoked to write her. 

As y’all know, Reeve is a bit of a no-bullshit kinda gal. The last chapter you would’ve seen her in, she was lounging in a motel bathroom drinking margaritas on her own and you know? We love that for her! Except, after that chapter, I couldn't figure out who she wanted to be--the ‘no fucks given’ woman in the bathtub, or the vulnerable, porous person she often was in earlier books. I love no fucks given Reeve, however, I think I got caught up in her no-fucks-givenness that I missed the time she does give fucks (which is! often!). This prologue really opened me up to her, and I feel a closeness to her that I haven’t felt in a long time. 

The prologue itself is rather short. It’s about 1300 words pre-edits, and I wrote it in! one! sitting! A phenomenon! We begin as Reeve is getting out of a taxi to enter her new home, AKA her old pal Foster’s house. She invites herself after a horrific encounter that scares her out of NYC and closer to her old pals (who she’s estranged herself from). Reeve outlines first, the disappearances of these affluent girls, and then fixates on Irene, her future housemate, whom Foster describes as many things that summer. Reeve is semi shook by Irene because she’s startlingly pretty and also startlingly looks like?? her?? (Reeve is just into herself? Who knew?)

Excerpts:

Here are a few excerpts from the prologue that I kinda dig! Here is the first paragraph:

Four girls went missing the summer the ground opened up. I was the unofficial fifth. They were girls I knew, in some iteration at least. Girls who wore their hair down, collars up. Anklets from their football boyfriends, like voguish ball-and-chains, pretty lingerie no one would see for at least another decade. Things I’d never worn, but wanted to wear. They were wealthy girls with the kinds of parents who dressed them in tights and midi-skirts, sent them to boarding schools, paid for piano lessons just to display a trophy. Girls with parents who wanted synthetic children. Girls who lusted over the romance of marriage—the ultimate form of female liberation. Girls who cast spells with each other and chose their friends based on zodiac signs, the amounts of vowels in their names. Girls who kissed each other in secret and stayed missing until they wanted to be found. None of them knew me.

This is a description of Wicker (CW: a bit of a gory descriptor):

That summer was pallid and bitter. Wicker sat in a valley an hour outside of New York City, and rarely caught sunshine. The locals explained it had always been like this—anemic, unexciting. Women came here to raise quieter children, and those quiet children threw stones at each other’s eyes to see who’d go blind first. The first one who did was found floating face-down in the creek behind the church and the women and children left hastily. It worked in waves like this: people coming, people going. Wicker was empty and both full—of the dead, and alive. I’d chosen it for this reason. 

Here’s an excerpt that comes right after the previous (all of these actually make up the first three paragraphs lol, TW: eating disorders):

The cabbie I’d given the last of my savings to took my bag out of his car trunk and walked it up to the house. It was one of the few nice days in Wicker, one of the last while I was there. Sunshine slit my face in two as I watched myself in the cab’s reflection. I reached for my cigarettes and realized too late that I’d left them back at the apartment. That summer, I was the thinnest I’d been. The hollow ache of me more of a victory than a loss. I know why I stopped eating in those first two weeks, why every meal Foster would later serve me in that house felt cryptic, and it had something to do with the body they never fully recovered. I wasn’t hungry when I’d gotten to Wicker; I wasn’t hungry for a long time after.

Some Foster gentleness (I missed him!):

Chickadees chattered in the birdfeeder Foster had set up a week earlier. Though I hadn’t been on the road long, the drive had exhausted me. The midafternoon clouds pilled, hardly overcast, something I’d come to miss when the sun stopped coming. He hadn’t invited me to live with him, but didn’t object when I called to say I’d be coming up. It was the first I’d spoken to anyone who knew me as Reeve and not Evie in half a year. That day, he greeted me from the porch and took my single carry-on from the cabbie with a boyish thank you. It was one of the last times I’d see him wear it—his bashful gentleness, like he always felt the need to apologize even when everything was brilliant. 

Here’s an intro of Irene, where the chapter title comes from:

Irene sat at the kitchen table inside the house. I caught her in glances through the doorway. The first thing I thought was that she’d look better as a blonde. A small thing who held her mug like she was holding a holy object. I’d later be haunted by those hands when I remembered how they looked by the time she was partly pulled up. Foster described her as many things to him over the course of that summer: a housemate, a partner, a friend, sometimes just a person he knew. She was reading something, something French—I could hear her reciting parts of it, at times loudly, like she knew she had an audience, at times at just a whisper, the most personal parts, I later found. I’d translate the line I’d heard most prominently later: Don’t let the house consume you. 

“Cigarettes?” I said to the cab driver as he was nestling back into his car. When he didn’t hear me, I knocked on his window. The sound of it made Irene’s head bob to attention, though only for a moment. “Cigarettes?” I mimed smoking one when he only blinked at me. We spoke minimally on the drive up, though I learned more about him just by looking. Two daughters, their pictures pasted neatly on the dash. Candy coloured flyers for take-out restaurants jittering against the AC’s shutter. In all that time, I hadn’t learned his name.

When he rolled up the window, I had to jump back so my nose didn’t get clipped. The sun shifted through the glass in wisps, like cobwebs, and my face disintegrating from the surface of the glass was the last thing I saw before he zipped away.

I was surprised to see Irene standing on the porch next to Foster when I looked up. My cheeks warmed. The cabbie’s drive-off had embarrassed me, and I realized how I looked to her, a woman I didn’t know, that I already wanted to know. A bit pathetic. Frazzled. A city person who couldn’t navigate a city. A weak woman—already needing a fix on her first day of a new life.

“I’m quitting,” I said, even though she hadn’t said anything. In the sunshine, she was prettier than I wanted her to be. Her hair hip-length, a length I’d always been too impatient to achieve. Wearing a camisole and a midi-skirt. Pearls in her ears, like the others wore. In New York City, she would’ve been plain to me. The kind of girl I would’ve marked up with a pen in a magazine. Outlining her hips as to say they weren’t good enough, squiggling over her eyebrows because her face was too pretty for a body so average. It wasn’t long after she was gone that I became mistaken for her.

And here’s a bit from the very end of the chapter:

The ground opened like a cracked egg, so slow at first, I didn’t notice. Some say she pushed me. Others say it was the other way around. It melted under us, and one minute I was thinking about how embarrassing I was, how crude it was to still be addicted to cigarettes, and the next, there was a belly in the ground and Irene was somewhere in it. Her dark hair wisping around her, like a tornado. How I thought she’d look better as a blonde. Holy hands, camisole, midi-skirt, pearls in her ears. This was all I’d ever know of Irene. A body was found the summer the ground opened up. I still don’t know exactly who she was.

So that’s it for now y’all! Obviously lots of stuff is subject to change, but I’m finally feeling confident with this path (if I scrap all of this you will know lol)! I’m very excited for this book, and hope to take some more notes on it soon to see where it will go. For now, I’ve got an idea for the first chapter I can play around with, but I hope y’all enjoyed this little piece so far!

--Rachel

[ask-jumblr]

Thank you so much to everyone who’s been constructive.

Both commenters, and the anons below who were open about what they’re struggling with. Since all of the asks were either hateful, or seemed to be addressed at me, the mod, I’m going to handle them. 

Before you get too upset that I didn’t give all y’all equal chance to answer: I’m encouraging the anons to send in some asks dealing with the issues they’re mentioning, formatted in such a way that it’s easier for jumblr as a whole to constructively help. Based on their current asks, I can only ask questions about what they practically need.

Because I’ll be addressing the asks chronologically and the constructive asks come later, I’m going to put it all below the cut. If you don’t have energy today, don’t click through. Even the constructive stuff is heavy.

Here were the first two anon’s received:

Isn't Orthodox just exclusionary extremism? Aren't those the homophobes and transphobes who think you shouldn't be allowed to marry a non-Jew? Why aren't we staying focused on reform/recon Judaism?

It’s okay not to know things, although the assumption was a little harsh so I didn’t want to post it directly. In response I made a myth-busting post. Yes, it is American-centric, but here’s why: I can be pretty darn sure anon is American, or at least North American.

Given that you’re upset about intermarriage, you’re probably not Israeli. Given that the U.S. has the largest diaspora population, anon is likely American. Given that anon is referencing “Reform” Judaism as an alternative, they’re probably not in Britain (”Liberal Judaism”) or outside U.S./Britain/Canada/Israel (”Progressive Judaism” everywhere else).

Realistically speaking, I can’t call up every community everywhere. As an American coming out of a mediocre, Anglo-centric education system, I can only speak one other language with any competence and blurt a few words of a few more. If you want to know about a community in a specific place then please, please ask. There have been folks on here asking about communities all sorts of places who have gotten answers here. Jewish geography + the internet is amazing! When anon is American, with misconceptions about American Jews I’m going to assume such.

Orthodox Jews should probably stop existing. 

This ask is hateful and non-constructive. Hence the threat to block.

After this, I got some anons who are getting at some problems that we can really work on. They aren’t American, so I’ve assumed they aren’t the first anon.

hey if your responses and views could stop portraying us jewery as being the only way things are done and that we somehow all have access to the stuff you do, that would be grand

(cont) or where there zero chance of finding a group of that community that'll accept me and not treat me in hateful ways. I'm sorry that Jewery outside the US/NA is that unfamiliar to you and that our viewpoints and experiences makes you uncomfortable but I guess that's the way US Jews deal with Jewish "outsiders".

I’m going to start with part 1 to stay in order even though part 2 is what gets me antsy to help ya. You’re right. I don’t have a ton of experience with non-U.S. Jewery. That’s why I tag thoroughly and encourage folks who don’t know the answer to signal boost. If you’re specific, someone else on jumblr can help you. 

When anon asks are vague and, as they often do, reference U.S./North American terms for branches (”reform” rather than “liberal” or “progressive”), I’m going assume the anon us in the U.S. or greater North America. Most other respondents likely will too. Anon askers who want otherwise need to use terms that are more globally (”progressive”) or locally (”liberal”) appropriate, or give a little more locational information (e.g. city, country, region). Re-my new explanation above about American-centrism. I respect that you didn’t have the benefit of seeing the language in that ask, but I’m here to help you as much as I can without superfluously emailing every rabbi in every country for another anon who’s linguistically and statistically likely to be in New Jersey or Ohio or somewhere else in the U.S..

Now for part 2 (after “(cont)”), your concerns. (Getting something out of the way: Since you’re saying “Jewish “outsiders”” I’m going to assume you’re Jewish. However, many people reading this might not be; this audience has a lot of prospective converts. I want to point out that prospective converts aren’t entitled to conversion via any particular community. I might personally be dismayed, but it’s that community’s prerogative. Getting that community to a place where people who are already Jewish who are LGBTQ, have disabilities, etc. are accepted is going to be my priority if I were to harangue a community that’s not my own. In other words, people like anon. On that note...) I received another ask with a concern similar to part 2, by someone in a similar situation as a Jewish person under the LGBTQ umbrella whose only option is a community that won’t accept them. I’d like to answer these together. Here’s that second ask:

Not your first anon but there's no non-homophobic Orthodox community where I live. I live in Europe and maybe it is different in the US but the Orthodox communities here do NOT accept lgbt+ people. Or if they do it is under the "don't ask, don't tell" form of homophobia where you're accepted as long as you don't display it publicly or ask them to treat you as an equal in any way. So sorry for not feeling endeared to a group that have always hated me.

This means we’ve got a heck of a problem. There are Jewish people who don’t have a community and need one. Y’all (You all) don’t know me irl, but making sure Jewish people who want Jewish communities have Jewish communities is something I’m very big on. I’ve gotten some flack for being too welcoming or too focused on making sure synagogues are welcoming. I want you to know that we want you here. Unfortunately you aren’t close enough for me to personally offer you that hug.

You see, I’m a U.S. Jew, but I’m not one from a place like New York City where there’s a wealth of Jewish community options. (hint: #SouthernJews #ShalomY’all) I know those people near me who feel forgotten, ignored, scoffed at, or unvalued don’t always have another option (or that it’s a loooong drive and lots of gas money away). I am someone who has had to put in the work to build the community she wants and needs, and a community that is welcoming for the people she cares about. 

Putting aside the extent to which I’ve had to patch up my own education while trying to make sure others aren’t on their own doing it, I’ve also had an obstacle you’ll find more relatable. I know it’s not obvious, I’m also under that LGBTQ umbrella (sexuality, not really gender from my current self-understanding). I’m largely closeted irl because being Jewish makes me enough of a target and is harder to hide. I don’t discuss it much on the internet because I don’t want #woke #discourse about myself as I figure out my own identity, and don’t want my own processing  (yay for internalized -isms!) to hurt someone else. It’s fine that you didn’t know, but I want you to know now so that you can understand my experience:

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend in Israel who’s had to make community choices too. My friend (who is also under that umbrella) convinced me that I should go to a shul with a rabbi who was openly homophobic in the past because it’ll be the best balance between programming that meets my needs (adult learning! services!) and driving distance. The rabbi stopped being openly homophobic, so I know I can be in that community. But it’s not exactly my dream. I don’t plan on relying on that rabbi for psak or life-cycle events--at least not until I know more. Then again, I’m lucky. I’m lucky in that there are rabbis I feel comfortable getting psak from who speak my native language. I’m lucky that I know enough to know that a non-rabbi can officiate a commitment ceremony (and actually a Jewish wedding too...), and that I’m from a well-connected extended-family that is friends with rabbis elsewhere (whoot! Jewish geography!) who would happily come in to officiate for me (though it might be costly and they might only do commitment rather than marriage). And I’m lucky that my extended family would be supportive enough to do so for me (they’d be getting eager enough for me to marry anyone...).  I’m also lucky in that I could drive even farther and hit a Reform community that’s been more accepting for much longer. It doesn’t have the resources or programming I need, but I would have hypothetical access to a place with other Jews that has gender-neutral bathrooms and a rabbi who hasn’t said anything (recorded) that’s unaffirming of my existence.

But what about people who don’t have access to an alternate community? Or for whom that other community is even father from being a good fit?                   With work, it is possible to make change. Do you know why that shul’s rabbi stopped being openly homophobic? Maybe compassion. But there was an outside trend too: the community shifted away from homophobia to embrace its LGBTQ members, and he was forced to follow. It’s quite likely that movement stances and responsum helped, but community organizing, changing minds one-at-a-time, those were definitely pieces of the puzzle.

I want this blog to be here for you in figuring out how to make those changes. I began an initiative on here called Tikkunity. It’s a goofy name for an important mission: help people find strategies to make their communities more vibrant, more welcoming, more supportive, more accessible, more whatever someone needs. The ones I’ve put out so far aren’t as heavy as your topic, but Tikkunity is also here for what you’re looking for. I’ve gotten in touch with some other blogs about topics that are less obvious for communities, and a bit heavier too. If either of y’all feels comfortable messaging me from off anon (just make a side-blog with a random url), I’d love to draft a post with you. Alternately, if you send something constructive and specific enough such as “I only have one choice of community and I don’t feel safe or accepted there as a [insert LGBTQ identity/ies] person. How can I make my community more accepting of [my existence/my partnership/my pronouns/etc.]? FOR: Orthodox and [LGBTQ accepting/affirming/or other word or phrase of your choice that describes people who would be in-line with your goal]” or “ I only have one choice of community (there aren’t many Jewish people near me) and I don’t feel safe or accepted there as a [insert LGBTQ identity/ies] person. Does anyone have recommendations of what to do and tools to help me do Jewish stuff to do without the big community? How can I find people from that community willing to join me so it isn’t as lonely?” then I can post it off the bat

As much as I’m not letting askers generalize Orthodox Jews as individually homophobic/transphobic, the U.S. isn’t a utopia for LGBTQ [Orthodox] Jews looking for communities. “Don’t ask don’t tell” is how many U.S. Orthodox communities function. You’ll notice that the Orthodox LGBTQ-acceptance group I linked (Eshel) is an activist-type group from within the Orthodox community. The most effective change comes from within communities, which is why I’d rather you talk to Orthodox jumblrs than me. There are many LGBTQ Orthodox Jews on tumblr who might be willing and able to help you make that change via advice on a Tikkunity post, connecting you with other activists, or via a longer-term messaging relationship as they make change in their own communities. While I don’t think Eshel formally works outside the U.S. right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t ask them about expansion or see if they can connect you  with other laypeople community builders and shifters to provide mentorship and support.

If you can’t start within the community, you can start building alternate spaces with Jewish people you know who have been willing to engage with you. Even communities that are largely homophobic/transphobic aren’t a monolith. There’s lots of advice out there for people making “start-up” communities or “indepedent minyanim” or “chaburas.” It’s not fair that you have to do the work. But don’t take it out on all Orthodox Jews, individually, especially because some of them are on your side.

And if you’d rather move than make those changes then if/when you are able to move this blog can also be a resource for you. If you send in a message with the cities you’re considering and what you’re looking for in a community, someone in jumblr can likely help give some advice on where you’ll find the best community for you.

[bi-baudelaires]

Huey!

(thnx again for re-sending)

1: sexuality headcanon

I’ve never really given much thought to Huey’s sexuality, given how young he is. I guess I could see him as ace? no solid hc though

2: otp

as stated above, I don’t have many thoughts about that subject. instead I’ll just say Huey x feeling loved and supported by his family

3: brotp

Huey, Dewey and Louie. these bros’ sibling relationship is one of my favourite things on the show

4: notp

nothing really, besides the obvious like sibling incest. I don’t really have a problem with ships (even Huey x Webby, even if I don’t personally care for it)

5: the first headcanon that pops into your head

so. Huey and Dewey have a sort of secret, unspoken pact with one another, to, as older brothers, always protect their younger brother: if ever there’s danger, then Louie is first priority. but, unbeknownst to Dewey, Huey has an even more secret pact with himself, to, as the eldest brother, always protect both of his younger brothers: if ever there’s danger, then Louie and Dewey come first and Huey is the one who needs to take care of them.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

oh my god so many ways? we’re both the eldest siblings who openly show their love for their family, both autistic, both readers, both “the smart one”, both have anger issues, and we both want to be adventurous. i love that i can see so much of myself in this tiny bean.

7: one thing that gives me second hand embarassment about this character

the gross kiss with the monster in depths of cousin fethry... can’t watch that

8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

do i even have to say it CINNAMON ROLL

the little fukcin g... flappy hands

[tetrakys]

Trois Allumettes - Chapter 9

“Thank you again for coming to my reading yesterday, and sorry for not saying hi today at the hospital, Leigh told me you had come only when you had already left. Sweet dreams.”

I re-read Lys’ text feeling relieved, he wasn’t ignoring me then. When I went to the hospital today I briefly spotted him entering the cafeteria, but I was running to Rosa’s room and didn’t have time to stop talking to him. When I left after that disastrous fight between Rosa and Alexy I didn’t see him and, to be honest, it was probably for the better, I wasn’t at my best. However I felt so utterly alone and defeated that I would have given anything to just be hugged by him. I knew his bother was his priority though, as it should have been, so I went back to campus, albeit in a terrible state. I was so grateful Chani was my friend, she really took care of me tonight. And I was happy to know he had thought about me even in the middle of this tragedy his family was going through.

Hesitating, I wrote and rewrote my answer at least a dozen times. I ended up opting for something simple: “I am so sorry about what happened. Would you like to spend some time together soon?”

I dozed off almost immediately after sending the text. But I woke up two hours later, going back about what had happened Saturday night, a smile on my lips. Then I thought of Sunday, a knot in my stomach…

Later that day I headed towards Rosa’s place. I had an awkward encounter with Alexy on the way, but he at least looked more sad than angry, which was probably an improvement. I hoped time would fix everything.

A few minutes later I rang at Leigh’s apartment, and he wasn’t the one who opened the door. Lys stood there, his sad eyes not meeting mine.

“Hi Candy, come in.”

“Hi Lys… how are you?” I asked, stepping into the flat.

“Fine” he replied, disappearing into the kitchen. I was surprised, not understanding his cold behaviour, however I didn’t have time to overthink it, Leigh came into the room and we spent a few minutes talking with each other. I could tell he was incredibly sad, but he was trying to be strong for Rosa. He made some tea and we all went into the living room. Sipping our tea we tried to make small talk, at least Leigh and I tried, Lysander sat in silence, in the furthest possible seat from me.

The sun was setting but Rosa still hadn’t come out. Leigh went to check on her, so Lys and I were left alone. I didn’t know what to say, he was clearly trying his best to ignore me, and I couldn’t tell if it was because he was trying to be respectful of his brother’s mourning or if there was something else weighting on him. I mean, he was also mourning, the baby was supposed to be his little nephew or niece, and I was incredibly sad too, but I couldn’t help the feeling that he was specifically avoiding me.

“Hey… Hi…” Rosa murmured, entering in the room. I decided to give her my undivided attention, whatever was going on between Lys and I could wait. We looked at each other for a second without moving from where we were. I ended up standing and crossing the room to give her a hug. It only lasted a few seconds, but we hugged each other tight. We sat down on the couch and Leigh brought us hot tea and little cinnamon cookies right away.

I tried unsuccessfully to make some small talk, then glancing at my purse that had spilled onto the armchair next to us, I saw the package from my mother sticking out. It was full of pictures and mementos from my high school days. I didn’t know if it was a good idea, but I decided to show it to her.

I put the package between us on the couch and started taking out the pictures and putting them down in a messy pile next to us. At first she hardly glanced at what I was showing her, I kept looking at a few pictures, but nothing worked, after desperately looking at Leigh for help, he pulled a picture out of the stack.

“Geez, is that… is that me? I look like such a kid.”

“Haha, you are exaggerating” I replied, “You haven’t changed much, Leigh!”

Rosalya seemed curious about the picture Leigh was holding. He put it down in front of her, and she grinned a little. “You’ll always look like a kid to me. Unlike Lys, he has always looked way too mature for his own age. Must have been the air of the farm.”

It was true, Lys had grown up on a farm. Leigh too of course, but at some point he must have left to come here. Had Lys stayed there the whole time?

I kept pulling out the pictures and the little notes or goodies, laying them on the coffee table. Rosalya started shyly looking at a few of them. “I remember this, it’s from the play” she said while passing it around, so that everyone could look at it.

It was a picture of me and Castiel during our high school play. I was Little Red Riding Hood and he was the wolf… the picture was one Rosa had taken behind the scenes.

“Yeah, that’s a funny photo, Castiel was pretending to eat me.”

“I really don’t think he was pretending” she added with a small smile “if I hadn’t interrupted I’m pretty sure he was going to jump on you. He has always been fascinated by you.”

“That’s not true, Rosa” I lightly chastised her, “there’s never been anything between us.”

“And I’ve always wondered why…” she replied pensive.

I glanced at Lysander, afraid he may have misinterpreted my relationship with Castiel again, but it looked like he had barely registered Rosa’s words, he couldn’t appear more disinterested.

We kept looking at the pictures, the last was one of Alexy, Rosa and me, our arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders, laughing. Rosa froze when she saw it, she then picked it up and stared at it for a while, without saying a word. She burst out sobbing, falling into my arms, staying there for a while, without moving. After a while she had calmed down and I realised her eyes were shut, she was asleep. Leigh helped me lie her down on the couch.

I picked up my stuff quietly, leaving a few pictures on the table, Leigh walked me to the door, on tiptoe, we were whispering. He thanked me for coming, and after a brief hug I walked out of the door. Lys hadn’t even said goodbye.

I walked around the dark streets, my mind buzzing, trying to make sense of the whole situation. I found myself in the park, my feet had taken me there without me even realising it. I sat on a bench and, with a heavy heart, looked at the night sky.

“I’m sorry Candy.”

Lys sat next to me. I should have been surprised, but a part of me was hoping he would follow me.

“What are you sorry about?” I asked, turning towards him.

He wasn’t looking at me, staring at his hands on his lap. “The kiss… I shouldn’t have.”

I knew this was coming, after his behaviour this evening, but it still felt like I was being sucker punched.”

“W-Why? Did I do something…”

“No” he interrupted me “you did nothing wrong, you are perfect.”

A bitter laugh escaped me, “So perfect you want nothing to do with me.”

“I really value you as a person and as a friend, but it’s too much. You are very important to me. I just… I can’t be with you. I can’t be with anyone. I’m not a good person.” He sounded really sad, and I took his words like he was pitying me.

“I don’t understand Lys, but if you don’t want to be with me please don’t find any excuse to try to make me feel better, I don’t deserve this.”

“You are right” he said after a moment, standing up, “you deserve someone better than me. I’m really sorry, I won’t bother you anymore.”

After that, he left, leaving me speechless and alone. After a few more minutes, I went back to my room.

“Great, I’m popular with old guys who use their professional status to come on to me!”

It was Friday night, and Chani and I were at Castiel’s video lunch party. The director of photography had just hit on her, offering her a role in his next project. We were having a good laugh.

“You are popular, period, no one’s come on to me one single time!”

“Maybe because Castiel told them not to” she replied with a cheeky smile.

I practically spit out my drink when I saw Chani’s sneaky little look. “What do you mean by that?”

“First of all: he got you in.”

“He got us in!”

“Yeah, but because he knows you. On my own, I wouldn’t have had a chance. And secondly: he’s been glancing over at us since the start of the night. It looks like he’s bored to death and dying to come talk to you.”

I gave her an incredulous look, “You’re imagining things.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, I think so. Castiel is the least accessible guy in the world.”

“I’d say that would be Lysander… he hasn’t looked our way at all, not even once.”

I knew this very well, I had noticed him the moment Castiel had got us in. While we had basically sneaked in, he had been invited apparently. Perks of being the singer’s best friend I guessed. I hadn’t seen him the whole week, not since he had sort of broken up with me. It wasn’t really a break up since there had barely been one kiss, still it had hurt, and I had spent the whole week thinking about him.

When I saw him this evening I hoped he would at least come and say hi, but true to his own words he had completely ignored me. I couldn’t help sneaking little looks to him from time to time, well… quite often to say the truth… but he was sitting with his back to me. He wasn’t at first, I couldn’t help feeling he had done it on purpose.

“He’s going to come and talk to you in a few seconds.”

“Lys?” did I sound hopeful?

“No, Castiel” she studied my face a bit. “You should enjoy yourself once in a while, sometimes it can be nice to not ask yourself too many questions.”

“Honestly Chani, you are losing it. It’s two in the morning, let’s go home.”

“No, I’m going home.”

“Stop I’m coming with you.”

“Hey, how’s it going… hope you aren’t too bored?” Castiel interrupted us and I froze in my chair.

“I’m going home, but Candy wants to stay!”

“No, I was about to…”

“See you around!” and just like that she left.

Castiel sat down in Chani’s seat. We spent a few minutes talking about his video which, I had to admit, was really cool. It showed Castiel first making out and then being killed by a beautiful, evil, half naked woman. Their scenes together were incredibly hot and, to be honest, I couldn’t help noticing how sexy he had looked. He really wasn’t a high school kid anymore.

We got interrupted by his assistant who took Castiel away, but he came back soon, very excited after having had a talk with the manager of January, a famous metal band I had never heard of. The guy had just asked Castiel and his band to share their stage for their biggest concert. I had never seen him this thrilled, he looked so happy.

“Well, how about we head out?” he asked suddenly, apparently the party was starting to bore him. He suggested getting a cup of tea somewhere and I hesitated. A cup of tea at 2am… he was probably suggesting going to his place. Was that a good idea? Well… not that anything was going on here, and also… it wasn’t like I had to justify my actions to anyone. I gave one last longing look at Lysander’s back, who was still completely ignoring me, and left the club with Castiel.

As I had guessed we were heading to his place. He offered to take me back to campus if I was tired, and I thought about what was waiting for me in my room. I thought about my awful week, about what had happened Sunday, about Alexy and Rosalya and me stuck between the two, about Saturday night… And about the fact that I’d spent all week with no news from… No, I couldn’t and wouldn’t think about it! I needed to get my mind off things. I wanted to relax, have a cup of tea and listen to January.

His apartment was at the other side of the park. It was huge, and very cool, styled with modern and edgy furniture. I toured the place to check it out while he went to make us some tea. Afterwards he turned on the music and we both sat on the couch, the cups down in front of us.

We talked about January for a bit, their music was actually pretty amazing. I felt so comfortable that I ended up taking off my shoes and sitting cross-legged on his couch. It’d been years since I’d chatted that way with him… At some point he took off his jacket and his tie, showing the V-line of his abs as he did. All those sexy images of him in the video popped back into my mind right away. He sat back next to me, closer than he had been before. January’s music was still playing in the apartment big speakers. His hand took hold of mine and I looked up at him in surprise.

“I’ve always thought you were striking, and especially so tonight” he said looking at me in the eyes.

“Wh-what…? Seriously?”

“We could go farther if you want to… We could… go until dawn together. Until dawn and that’s it… One night…” His thumb stroked the palm of my hand.

“Just one night?”

“One single night…”

He moved closer to me. So close that I could smell the subtle scent of his skin. He pushed away a strand of hair that was hiding my neck, that simple move made every last pore in my skin tingle.

It was an interesting suggestion, I couldn’t deny that a part of me was tempted to accept his offer. It would have been so easy to get lost in him and forget all my troubles for a just few hours. His hand on mine felt good, and it was nice to feel desired for once. But…

I looked into his beautiful grey eyes and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed they were the same colour. His hair also wasn’t right, it should’ve been white shading to black. The sensual and inviting way he was looking and touching me also was not what I desired. It was a gentle and yet purposeful touch that I craved. It was a pair of golden and green eyes that I missed, eyes so deep hiding many secrets and slivers of their owner’s soul. This wasn’t right because it wasn’t him I really wanted.

“I’m sorry Castiel, no one is waiting for me, but I’d rather be with someone else.”

I put my shoes back on, gathered up my stuff, said goodbye and left.

I had barely stepped out of the building, when I crushed directly into something. Or, actually, someone.

“Lys…?”

He didn’t reply, he just took me into his arms, completely enveloping me.

“Lys… what…?”

He held me even tighter and I… just let him. His skin was cold, I could feel it even through both our clothes, and he was slightly shaking. I rested my hands on his back and we stayed there, hugging outside Castiel’s building for what felt like ages. I didn’t care though, I knew I was exactly where I wanted to be.

“It’s too cold for you to stay outside any longer” he said in a low voice after a while “come with me.”

He took my hand and led the way. I was so confused, but didn’t ask him where we were going, I just wanted to be with him. Soon though, we found ourselves outside Leigh and Rosa’s apartment. He had the keys, and opened the door without knocking.

Once inside I started to feel a little awkward. What were they going to think if they woke up and found me in their apartment in the middle of the night uninvited?

“Leigh took Rosa to the beach house for the weekend. He thought it would make her feel better to go away for a couple of days” he said while he removed his coat.

Okay, I was relieved, and sat on the couch more relaxed.

“He asked me to stay here and take care of the baby’s room. Rosa had already decorated it.”

That, I understood… they were already living an incredibly sad situation, having also to deal with the baby’s room and all the stuff they had already bought… it was just cruel.

“Are you cold? Would you like some tea? A blanket?” he pointed to the pile blanket on the other side of the couch.

I just shook my head, “Lys… why were you outside Castiel’s apartment?”

He sighed and sat next to me, “I saw you leaving the party together. I… I know it’s none of my business, especially after the things I told you the other day, but… I couldn’t help it. I followed you.”

I was shocked. Lysander was such a reserved person, he valued privacy and respect more than many other things.

“Why Lys… I don’t understand. You said…”

“Yes, I know what I said” he interrupted me “and I still think it was the right thing to do. I just… couldn’t help it. I don’t know what Castiel really feels about you, but I know for certain that he likes you. The way he looks and acts around you… and I can’t stand it.” He gave a bitter laugh, “I am slowly starting to hate my best friend, but when I saw him taking you to his place… I wanted to kill him." He paused briefly, "Did you...?” his eyes pained.

I tried to swallow but my mouth was completely dry. I kept staring at him and shook my head, "He asked, but I said no."

I saw him tighten his fists, an indescribable expression on his face. “I went there with all the intentions of coming upstairs, punch him in the face and take you away.”

“W-Why didn’t you...?”

He smiled sadly, “How could I, after everything I’d told you? Firstly pushing you away, making you believe I want nothing to do with you, then bursting into your life like that… what kind of person am I? I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t!” I cried out. “The other day… why were you so cold Lys? Please, I need to understand.”

He hunched his back, his head in his hands, looking completely defeated.

“You know Leigh and I were raised on a farm. Country life… I know it sounds nice but… I… I didn’t like it very much. Leigh even less, he left right after he completed high school, to study fashion and open his own shop in the city. I wanted to go with him and study here, but my parents thought I was too young to live alone with my slightly older brother, so they decided I would move here for my first year of university.”

He kept talking without looking at me in the eye, and I felt it was important I let him continue without interrupting.

“My parents were actually of advanced age when they had Leigh, and even older when they had me. Once I was eighteen and ready to finally leave the place and find my own path, my father’s health started to deteriorate. He wasn’t able to take care of the farm, and couldn’t afford to hire anyone else. In the end the only option was for me to stay there. I still enrolled university, studying remotely, but it was a far cry from my expectations. I was still stuck there.”

“But Leigh…” I said timidly, he just shook his head.

“Leigh had already his own life here, Rosa and his business, I couldn’t ask him to give up everything. I stayed, it was the right thing to do.”

He paused, swallowed and I could tell the hardest part of his tale was yet to come.

“After a couple of years my father’s health seemed to improve, he convinced me he was well enough to go back taking care of the farm and the animals. It didn’t take much convincing, I couldn’t wait to leave the place, finally. I moved here last year and started attending my classes.”

Last year…?

“After a couple of months I received a call, my father had passed away during the night. His health hadn’t improved at all and I hadn’t been there for him. He had lied to me, saying he was doing better, and now I know that some part of me hadn’t believe him, only waiting for an excuse to leave and finally do what I’d always wanted.”

I could hear his voice shaking, I put my hand over one of his, it was deadly cold.

“I went back home and took care of things, I completed my fourth year at home to stay close to my mother. However… she never overcame the loss, the grief took her right before the summer.”

I was frozen in shock and dread… Poor Lys… it was terrible. How could anyone handle so much pain?

“Do you understand Candy? What type of person leaves their elderly parents to follow their selfish desires? I am not a good person.”

“No, Lys… it wasn’t your fault.” I replied passionately “How can you think that? You spent your whole life helping them, your father was ill… you couldn’t have done anything…”

“Don’t say it. I could have been there, I should never have left. I… I…”

I hugged him. I couldn’t keep hearing him blaming himself, it was breaking my heart. I took his head in my hands and gently turned his face towards mine. When his beautiful eyes met mine, I saw they were full of tears, some running along his cheeks. I didn’t know what to say to make things better, I felt that no words were going to work in that moment, so I placed my lips on his cheek and started to kiss his tears away.

Slowly, from his jaw, to his cheekbones and then his eyes. He needed to feel me being there for him, his arms circled me and his hands grabbed me, holding me strongly, like his life depended on it. I rested my forehead against his, our lips just a breath away from each other.

We stayed like this for a minute, just enjoying each other’s closeness.

“I’m going back there, Candy. After this year, once I get my degree… I am going back to the farm.”

I closed my eyes, a stab of pain in my chest.

“I came here to experience the life I’d always wanted, just for a little while, so that I can move past it. After this year I am going back to take care of the farm. It was my parent’s dream, I can’t allow it to die with them.”

“And what about your dreams, Lys?” I whispered.

The silence was deafening, moments went by, then he said, “I don’t have any dreams anymore.”

What could I say? What could I do to show him this wasn’t right?

“You are the only thing I have desired since everything happened” he continued, and I opened my eye in surprise. “I have been numb for a whole year, then you came into my life and reminded me what it was like to feel and want something. I got scared, I can’t afford to jeopardise my plan, I had to push you away.”

He raised one hand cupping my cheek, our lips still so close, they were almost touching.

“I shouldn’t crave you, but I do, and it’s tearing me apart.”

I couldn’t take it anymore, my lips crushed into his, and I started kissing him, slowly but with purpose. I wanted to show him I was there, that I was solid in his arms and he couldn’t run away from this, from us.

After a few moments of hesitation, he started kissing me right back. His hand moved into my hair, pushing me even closer and taking charge of the kiss. It was like we were both trying to prove something to the other. At some point I felt his other hand slip under my T-shirt and caress the naked skin of my waist. I moved my own to his chest and was just about to open the first button of his shirt when he interrupted the kiss and put a few inches of space between us.

“Candy… I can’t… I won’t take advantage of you when I know I won’t be here for long." He paused, like he was trying to find the strength to talk. "In just a few months I will go away and never come back. I can’t come any closer to you than what I already have. It would break both our hearts and make life hell for me afterwards.” He started caressing my hair, looking at my face with a pained expression “You are so beautiful, and kind, and brave and strong. I want you so much I feel like I am losing my mind.”

“You can have me… Lys… I want you too.” I tried to reach for his face again.

“No” he said again “I won’t do anything that could make you suffer more in the future, I’m not putting you in this position. I have learned the hard way to think about my actions and not to run away from my responsibilities.”

I figured nothing I was going to say in that moment was going to change his mind. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the sofa. I had to think this through, I refused to leave things as they were. We both had feelings for each other, Lys was distancing himself only for a misplaced sense of honour and responsibility due to a very sad occurrence. I had to help him heal, and I had to make him mine.

“You are tired” he said, misunderstanding my stance, “I can take you home if you want, or you can sleep here.”

I looked at him, “Will you sleep with me? Please… just sleep.”

I knew he didn’t want to be alone either, after a brief moment of hesitation he pushed me against him and we both lied on the couch, the plaid blanket covering us. My head on his chest, I could hear his heart beating fast, at first, and then slowing down while he relaxed, his arm around my shoulders. After a while I felt him breathing heavily and knew he had fallen asleep.

Lulled by the sound of his heartbeat, I followed him soon after.

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No memory loss arc for this sweet boy on my watch, he deserves better.

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