crescentmp3 · 1 year ago
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these "what to get for someone you care about for their birthday" websites are utterly useless and i want my time back.
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lostbetweenvampiresandmusic · 9 months ago
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Worlds apart
Telling his mate about his true nature didn't go as planned.
____________________
I felt terrified, standing in front of the sign. "Welcome to Santa Carla!" It said, in bright yellow and red letters. Pictures of the boardwalk, the rides, and the traintrack - things I hadn't seen in so long.
I wasn't terrified of going back to Santa Carla. In fact, I had been anxious to. I needed to get back, I needed to come home. I just didn't know if home wanted me back.
You see, about eight months ago, I met this boy. Well, he was a bit too old to be called a boy, but you get what I mean. He was this early twenty-something year old, with the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen. With stories, I could listen to for hours without getting bored. A sense of humour that matched mine. Looks that were to die for. I had met him the day I moved to Santa Carla, preparing for a new start after losing the last family I had left. Within two weeks, I had completely fallen for him, and lucky for me, he had also fallen for me.
David was everything. In such a short time, he became my safe haven, my home, my best friend and lover, and I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. It scared me a little how quickly everything went, but he always reassured me that we wouldn't rush into things if I did not want to. Those six weeks were absolute heaven. I honestly believe that I have never been happier.
It was only when I spent the night at the cave, their home, that something shifted between David and me.
"I need to tell you something."
"Are you alright?"
"Sit down," he said, his voice more distant than I had ever heard before.
"David?"
"You know I love you, right?"
I nodded.
"I need to near you say it."
"I know. I love you too. David, what's going on?"
"I'm a vampire."
I was quiet for a moment before laughing. "Yeah, right. That's a good one."
"Love," he looked at me, "I am not lying."
And he wasn't. His eyes turned yellow, his face turned into a batlike shape, and his fangs seemed sharp enough to tear me in two.
"Y-you're not joking?"
"No."
"You're - you're a vampire? I- you kill people?"
"Yes."
"How long?"
"Almost eighty years."
My eyes grew wide as I felt panic wash over me. This wasn't real. This was just one big prank from the boys - there is no way that vampires were real. David wouldn't lie, not ever. He hated liars, so why-? I began to focus on my breathing, trying to calm myself down.
"Why didn't you kill me?"
"I couldn't. I could never hurt you."
"Why not?"
"You're my mate. We belong together."
And that's when I fully panicked. I got sick, I threw up, I whimpered and cried and avoided his touch out of fear. I didn't dare look at him, both scared that this was some sort of cruel joke and at the same time scared that this was real. That vampires were real.
"I- David, I- I love you, I really do, but this - how can this be real? I don't believe - if this is real, if you are speaking the truth..." I fell silent, not knowing what to say.
"I am not lying to you, love."
I nodded, tears in my eye. "I need time. I - I don't know if I can deal with this right now. Not without being unfair and mean and cold to you. Im scared, and I..." The first teardrop fell. I - I'm sorry."
David nodded, getting what I was hinting at. He reached for me, holding my hand before letting it go with a soft squeeze. After losing my family and not actively dealing with that, the news of my boyfriend being undead was the final drop in the already close to overflowing bucket.
"You need to take your time and space. Just-" he took a breath, "Please stay in touch."
I had nodded, and I had left him there. Six months ago now. In that time, I had taken my space, literally. I had been afraid still and had gone to Sweden - enjoying the days where the sun wouldn't set. It felt safe. Safe from vampires and monsters, and it allowed me to deal with things. Two weeks after I had left, I wrote my first letter. I had it delivered at the videostore, hoping that David would get it. And he did, because after a week I had a response from him.
In the letters I sent him, I told him where I was, what I had been up to. I asked questions about him being a vampire, and slowly but surely, I came to terms with it. Still, I felt rather confused. I got why he hadn't told me about it from the start, and at the same time, the lying also hurt. But, in the end, I dealt with my family passing, I dealt with my mixed feelings about him being a vampire, and I was ready to go back.
And now, six months later, I was ready to go back home. I realised I had been unfair to him, that I definitely hurt him - which was not what I had wanted, absolutely not, but back then, I had been certain that I needed the space - and I was terrified to see him again. What if he didn't want me anymore? Or what if he moved on? Honestly, if he had, I couldn't blame him. I had been the one to leave.
With a deep breath, I started the short walk to the boardwalk, spotting David when he left the videostore.
"Nothing?" I heard Dwayne ask.
"No. I shouldn't have let them go. I should have gone to bloody Sweden as soon as I knew they were there."
He stomped off to the beach, and I quickly followed. Seeing him now made me realise not only how much I had missed him but how much he had missed me as well. I walked after him, stopping quickly as David turned around angrily.
"Why are you following -" his expression softened, and disbelief flashed over his face. "You're here?"
"Hi," I whispered, not trusting my voice to let any louder noise escape.
David hugged me tightly, and I broke down - crying as I held onto him. "I'm sorry I left, I'm so sorry I was so stubborn. I missed you so much, I-" I gasped for breath, sinking down to the ground. David held me, and I saw some tears burning in his eyes.
"I thought you'd never come back. I was scared you wouldn't."
"I was scared you'd be angry," I said softly, looking at him. "I'm sorry for how I left."
"I'm sorry I scared you so bad."
"Can we start over?" I asked. "Just try to rebuild what we had? If - if you want me still, that is."
"Yes," David smiled, kissing my forehead softly. "Nice to meet you, love."
I smiled shyly. "I promise I won't ever run off to a place with no nighttime again."
"Next time, I'll just follow you. The burns will be a testament of my love."
I kissed him, softly and gently, smiling when he returned the kiss. Nothing could show him how much I regretted leaving, how much I had missed him - but being here felt right. Being with him felt right. I just hoped he felt the same.
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dantefreakdaaaa · 1 year ago
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I loved your new Johnny Cage fic. Can I request a “hey I know we are fighting to save earth realm and I know we may all die, but I’m pregnant oops” fic? I love a family man Johnny Cage. Take all the liberties you want!
Johnny Cage x Pregnant! Reader
Fluff
Romantic
Reader is pregnant but no pronouns other than you/they are used
A/n: FOR THE PERSON THAT REQUEST ANXIOUS PREGNANT READER X WESKER IT IS BEING DONE. Angst has been kinda hard for me to write as of late but it'll probably be posted within the next few days. The next two days I will not be posting anything but after that I will get back to posting again. this also takes place around the shinnok fight in mkx.
---
The doors busted open and you, kenshi, and johnny all stepped through. Shinnok turned around with an angry scowl on his face, staring all three of you down.
"Oh, sorry ma'am. Didn't see ya there."
"miserable wretch! Insignificant spec of fecular scum! How dare you!" He stood on his feet, shooting a beam of energy at Kenshi and knocked him to the floor.
You fired rounds at him but he merely deflected them, acting as if it was nothing.
"You ready?" You looked up at johnny, smiling as you prepared to fight.
"As always." Rushing towards Shinnok you threw blow after blow at him, but he simply dodged them all. He kicked johnny in the stomach first before narrowly missing yours before kicking you again in the face. Sending you flying to the back wall, you laid there panicking as you watched the fight progress.
Shinnok didn't even have to look at johnny, dodging every single attack with one hand. Johnny only managed to get a single hit in before being lifted into the air, red energy surrounding him. Launched through the air, Johnny's back slammed into the hard walls of the chamber, groaning in pain.
Raiden and Fujin made a mad dash for the amulet, but a burst of energy knocked them away. Shinnok turned to you, staring down at your injured form. Energy shot straight at you, it felt like your life was being sucked out of you.
"They will be the first to join me."
Johnny dived in front of you, blocking you from Shinnoks powers. He was willing to sacrifice his life for you. He waited for the beam to hit him, his death would be inevitable after that. But instead of feeling overwhelming pain he felt little to nothing. A green glow surrounded him, giving him some kind of armor. Getting up off of the ground he looked down at himself before looking back up at Shinnok.
"I'm not sure what the hell that was, but I am sure of one thing. You don't even think of hurting them."
+++
After a long and grueling fight johnny wavered, unsure if he was going to be able to keep this up.
"Johnny cage! The amulet!" Raiden shouted from behind him. Looking down at the floor before looking at Shinnok, he kicked the amulet over to Raiden. Immediately, Raiden began to suck up the elder god, pulling him into the amulet. As soon as Johnny was sure that Shinnok was gone he rushed over to your side, holding you gently.
"Johnny...did you...?"
"We got him..." He smiled down at you, petting your hair with his head as he held you close to him
"good... I have something to tell you..."
"What's up?" Worry crossed his face, assuming the worst immediately. You sighed and smiled, staring up into his eyes.
"I'm pregnant..."
His jaw dropped, he stared down at you, confused and so excited. He hugged you so tight, burying his head into your shoulder as he rubbed your back.
"How long have you know?! And-"
"i've only known for a few days, i was planning on telling you sooner but I didn't want to freak you out like this before a mission. And I know we're in the middle of a war and everything but I don't think I could wait months to tell you." You chuckled and held him tight too, hugging him as close as you could.
"Wait but... if you knew, then why did you go on this mission?!" He started panicking, asking about why you would ever do something so reckless.
"I didn't want to jeopardize the mission. If I had risked us failing to capture Shinnok because I didn't come I'd hate myself for it."
"From now on, you're definitely not coming on missions. Don't wanna risk losing you or the kiddo." He gently rubbed your stomach, smiling as he thought of being a father
---
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(HOPE YOU ENJOYED!2!2!#!)
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am-i-the-asshole-official · 10 months ago
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AITA for insisting my roommate not get me a Christmas present/WIBT if I insist even more?
🎁 so I can find this later!
TLDR WIBTA if I insist harder than I already have that my (unaware of being transphobic) roommate not get me a gift for Christmas, since my being autistic and nonbinary may complicate things?
Sorry for the long one, there's a lot of context going into this.
I (18X) am a college freshman and am rooming with a person I didn't know beforehand. Our rooming situation is weird, so neither of us had talked to each other at all before moving in. I'll call her S (18F).
S is a very big gift-giver; it's her love language. She's gotten me a couple things in the past and has wanted me to try things so she can see if they'd make for good gifts. The problem is, I'm more on the masc side of being nonbinary, as well as the fact that I have low-intensity ASD, so usually the stuff she would want to get me (skin care, makeup, etc) is never exactly my style (most notably, she wanted me to see how a skin cream felt and I ended up complaining a bit too much, embarrassingly, before realizing that it was rude and assuring her that I appreciated the gesture, which I think helped her feel a little bit better) (another add-on, she knows I'm nonbinary, but still refers to me as a girl and uses she/her for me, which is why she keeps wanting me to try feminine products. I've played it off as not caring because I'm low key a little scared of her lol (in the way that anxious people are scared of confident people))
Because of said confidence, she tends to dominate conversations, and I'm always happy to listen, as someone who doesn't talk much myself. Because of this, I know she loves plushies and has a history with them, so for Christmas a couple weeks ago I ordered her a plushie online and snuck it into our dorm for her to find, and she ended up loving it.
Thing is, as she told me this, she said she was going to get something once she went home for the break. Apparently it's going to be expensive, too, since she joked that she told her mom to prepare for an expensive purchase beforehand.
I insisted that she not get me the gift, and that I didn't need one, but she is incredibly stubborn about it and was set in her ways of getting me one.
This is very nice of her obviously, and I appreciate the gesture, but.. I genuinely don't like being given gifts. If it's a mutually-discussed thing before-hand, sure, but most of the time gifts are a no-go. I don't exactly like giving gifts and I dislike being given gifts even more. There's way too much unpredictability, and because of my ASD, whenever I get a gift I don't like, I end up complaining about it without thinking, before realizing it's rude and assuring the person that I really do appreciate it. I've tried working on this before, but it's something I can't help— it literally happens without me thinking. As well as that, I only really knew what she'd liked because I actively listened to her a lot and spent over two months using the information I had gathered on her to get her the perfect gift. I am awful about this, since I'm very bad at coming up with gifts for people and this process— taking multiple months just to figure out what to get her— is the best I can do. I'd much rather hang out with people and buy stuff for them on the town, like paying for a dinner or sweets or whatever. The only reason I went through all of this for her is because 1 I appreciate her trying to be nice to me despite the fact that I am literally the type of person she'd bully in high school, 2 it's Christmas, and 3 it feels like I'm repaying her for trying to buy me all this stuff
So her getting me this gift just.. wouldn't sit right with me. I'm terrified of her getting me something I won't like and complaining about it before I can even think because of my ASD, and it'd feel like a massive debt to repay that'd eat at me forever. Plus, despite trying her best to respect my identity, she.. doesn't really know how transphobic she is, and I'm worried she might get me something very cutesy feminine that'd either make me 1 act uncomfortable or 2 lie to her and reaffirm her beliefs that I'm just female-lite. So, this is where my problem lies. WIBTA if I insist harder for her to not get me a present, despite it being her love language?
What are these acronyms?
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666writingcafe · 6 months ago
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An Army of Two
Belphie
I gently knock on MC's bedroom door, hoping that they're still awake--or, at the very least, not too deep in their sleep. After all, it is pushing two in the morning; the likelihood of them being up is pretty low.
To my pleasant surprise, they open their door moments later.
"Is everything okay?" they ask, stifling a yawn.
"There's an emergency," I tell them, making sure I sound serious. "I'll explain everything when we get outside, but we have to leave, and quickly."
"O-Okay. Can I at least change out of my pjs first?"
"Of course." MC shuts the door so that they have some privacy, but then they step out of their room a few minutes later. Together, we quietly head downstairs and into the garage. Opening a nearby toy chest, I begin fishing out various weapons and sticking them in various pockets. I don't know if what we're dealing with is human or not, and I don't want to take any chances, especially where Diavolo is concerned.
"Still got your knife?" I ask MC, glancing up at them. In response, they pull their jacket off to the side, revealing a sheath clipped onto their pants.
"Good. You might need it." I pull out a few small, human-safe blades and hand them to MC, who mimics what I've done with mine. It's a little strange that they haven't bombarded me with questions. They may be too tired to think straight, or perhaps they're extremely trusting, but either way it's a bit unsettling.
Once I've ensured that we're both armed, I grab the keys to the least grandiose car we have--a simple black four-door sedan--off its hook and hit the unlock button. I get in the driver's seat, and MC on the passenger's side. Soon, we're out on the road.
"Am I finally allowed to know what exactly is going on, or am I to remain oblivious?" MC asks me, clearly irritated. Making sure most of my focus is on the road, I reply,
"Someone's taken Diavolo. He left me a note."
"What did it say?"
"To the untrained eye, it was him trying to make amends with me. But we already had that talk several months ago, so I immediately knew something was wrong. As it turns out, he hid the actual message by making some of the letters bolder than others. He knew that I'd be able to decode it quickly once I figured it out."
"And he addressed it to you because...?"
"I'm able to keep a level head in crises. Everyone else either freaks out or shuts down completely, so they aren't able to be very helpful."
"Is that why you chose me to accompany you?"
"Partially. I was fully prepared to do this on my own, but I really didn't want to. It's always nice to have an extra set of hands. Plus, you've been able to remain calm in similar situations in the past, so I figured you could handle something like this."
"Well, I'm glad you trust me enough to do this." I find myself smiling slightly.
"I am, too." Things are silent for a few minutes before MC speaks up again.
"So, where are we going?"
"An amusement park."
"That's a strange place to take someone you've kidnapped."
"Depends. Whoever's behind this could need the space."
"For what?"
"Dark magic." MC doesn't respond. I wonder if I've scared them. I mean, I don't know what all Solomon has taught them so far. I hope that he's at least breached the subject with them, but it's hard telling with him sometimes. I can never get a good sense of his priorities.
At a stoplight, I turn my head to take a proper look at MC and freeze. The look on their face is downright terrifying, like they're seconds away from murdering someone.
"MC?" They take a deep breath.
"Listen, I don't know how helpful I'm going to be, but I'm not about to let some fucking lunatics hurt Diavolo. Not without a fight."
Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick
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boo8008 · 1 year ago
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Three Months - Carmen "Carmy" Berzatto x Fem!Reader Chapter 02: Mince
Prologue | Chapter 01: Quadriller | Chapter 02: Mince
Series Summery: Its been one year since The Bear's soft open, and with everything running smoothly, Carmen's lost in his thoughts, until the final table of the night is seated.
Warnings: angst | fluff | ghosting mention | mentions of suicide | language | mental health | pining | unrequited love????? | substances (alc & weed) | yelling | grief | descriptions of panic attacks | eventual smut | mention of covid | self doubt | no proofreading just sleep deprivation & back pain running this show | awkwardness & cringe of a new friendship/relationship/situationship
Chapter Summery: After the minor introduction of you and Carmy, your about to prepare the first dinner post Covid and before Stevie and Michelle leave, one Carmen is also coming to. Only cooking dinner is not going as smoothly as you'd hoped.
Mince (v.) - to finely divide food into uniform pieces smaller than diced or chopped foods, prepared using a chef's knife or food processor
Word Count: ~3,865
My Notes bb: Hey….. How yall doin? Sorry this took so long to get out, work and life suddenly got busy and I didn't have time to write. I hurt my back though so it kinda forced me to write and crank this out. Hopefully its not as bad I as I still feel like it is but yea. Again sorry this took so long to get out. Hope you enjoy! (ps my therapist thinks this is a decent outlet though lol thanks Sandra)
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2021 (December)
Carmen hardly ever came to dinner after those first few weeks, and Michelle said something about him working at Eleven Madison Park. While you were happy he head ended up at the high end restaurant, you knew he was working under one hell of an asshole. He seemed to be doing fine enough though. Granted, you would only catch small glimpses of him on nights when you stayed later than intended and he walked only into his room to sleep, with just a small mumbled ‘hi’ thrown your way. Eventually he managed to move out on his own and only came to dinner about once every two months when Michelle would insist on it.
Once covid hit though, you'd basically lost contact with him. Michelle even rarely managed to drag him into group facetime calls with you. They were mainly her or Stevie recounting their last two weeks of quarantine in a dramatic fashion and you and Carmen would be  listening half heartedly. If Carmen was there, he seemed to just sit out on a fire escape in his building and smoke, thinking about other things. Everytime you picked up though, missing being around the two people you actually liked. You would use it as a little reprieve from writing yet another ‘easy recipes for quarantine’ article, or to have company while you organized and re-organised random spots throughout your apartment. 
Mostly though you would use it to get away from the depressive thoughts of ‘what am I doing with my life?’ or ‘if something happened to me, only Michelle and Stevie would really know.’ you didn't realize how much you missed being around people until you couldn't anymore, just stuck with yourself and your cat in your apartment. You missed the mindless chatter from coworkers at your office and in person interviews with cranky chefs because they gave you more to think about than yourself. All you began to think about was how bad the piece you were working on was, even if your editor said it was great. You felt tired and tired of being tired. All you wanted was to have a nice dinner with Stevie and Michelle, and fuck even hearing from Carmen would be amazing even if it was another awkward conversation with someone you just barely knew.
In short covid sucked ass and made your already anxious brain even worse. Not to mentioned your sense of time became fucked and all of your normally scheduled daily things also hard to keep track of. While quarantine had somewhat ended, you all found yourselves too busy trying to get back into the groove of ‘normalcy’ and offices to have dinner again, canceling for meetings or being too tired. Leading to today, when after months of planning and rescheduling you had completely forgotten that dinner was not only being held at you place, but you were also cooking because Michelle and Stevie had nothing in their kitchen because they were leaving two weeks early to isolate before Christmas in Chicago, and to top it all off, Carmen was (for once) coming to dinner. You remembered only when Stevie sent you a text asking what time worked best to come over, and not wanting to cancel for the tenth time, you told them 7:00. So you left work early to run for the subway, then run to the grocers to get real food, and then ran home to start cooking. 
Only cooking was not going as planned. 
It was 6:30 and dinner was nowhere near done. It was like you had forgotten everything you knew about actually cooking, and you’re a food journalist for Christ's sake! This should have been something you could do fairly easy! You write about things like this all the time! Yet here you are, chicken suddenly burning in the oven from when you stepped away to check your recipe to make sure everything was going okay and you that were good to start the pasta. You quickly removed the now pucks from the oven and turned it off. You resolved to just sitting on the floor across from your oven and crying, thinking about where it all went wrong-not the dinner but everything. Quiet sobs racked your body as you sad down on your kitchen floor, forgetting about your phone and the fact your last text said “doors unlocked when you get here”.
Carmen didn’t want to go to dinner but knew he wouldn't hear the end of it from Michelle if he didn’t show up. And to be frank he wanted her to stop calling him a hermit too. So he grabbed his jacket after lunch service and headed home to shower and change, doing his best to not think of his shitty boss saying he was worthless for taking one evening off. He hadn't done that even during covid, constantly asking what the plan was or if the kitchen was open. He decided to head out early to your place sending a quick text and leaving. As he approached your door he could definitely smell burning, very unlike the pre-covid dinners you made. While not Michelin level, what you made were perfect home cooked and leftover meals to him. A nice change from his go to PB&Js with Doritos and a Coke. He checked his phone again making sure the apartment number was right and reread your last text again. He still knocked on the door before he opened it, out of habit. 
“Yo its me,” Carmen called out, peeling off his jacket as he looked around the entryway of your small apartment. You jumped at the knock and stood up as the door opened, and as Carmen called out, you turned to face the sink in your kitchen.
“In here!” your voice was wobbly but you preyed he wouldn't notice. Carmen followed the sound and walked into the kitchen, seeing the blackened chicken on the stove and the mess of the rest of the kitchen. 
“Jesus, the fuck did you try to cook?” he said it without thinking, and immediately you broke again. Crumbling in on yourself and to tired to try and hide it. Tears raining down your face and carmen short circuited, watching as you again sunk to the floor in a puddle. 
“Shit fuck I-I’m sorry. Fuck! Wh-what can I do? What do you want me to do? Fuck sorry I-I’m bad at this.” he panics as he looks down at you crying. “Wh-want me to go? I-I can go- I should go. Shit, Sorry again.” 
“S-s-stay?” 
“What?” Carmen's pretty sure he heard wrong, after all he just caused you to meltdown from his social awkwardness. 
“S-stay?” you say more clearly. You don't know why you ask it, let alone how it crawls out of your crying, shaking self. Its been so long sense you've been near someone else even a little close to you so maybe that's it. He stops for a minute looking down at you as you look up at him still crying. “Please?”
“... O-okay.” 
He isn't sure why he stays, or why he sits down next to you while you cry, but he does. The apartment is quiet outside of you sniffles and the occasional sob but carmen stays put. Neither of you realize how much you've started leaning towards each other until your head  is lightly lying on his shoulder. You’ve mostly stopped crying now but your face is still wet and your eyes are puffy. 
He isn't sure what to say, with his mom asking if you were okay was off limits. It made everything worse. It lead to screaming and yelling and throwing things. He thinks about what someone normal, someone like Stevie, or Pete, or Natalie, what they would ask someone they hardly know if they saw them having a panic attack and decides to just do it, praying you’d be somewhat normal compared to his mother.
“You-you okay?” you'd almost forgot he was there, even if you were leaning on him, and sat up straighter, wiping your face.
“Yea, I’m-I’m sorry dinners ruined and for getting like that,” you say. Tears of embarrassment springing up at knowing that this (basically) stranger saw you cry. 
“No no your fine-your cool,” he can feel panic rising again at making you cry again. “No no no offense but I-I was kinda in the mood for pizza anyways.” He's only partly lying, he wanted a home cooked meal but the pizza place he passed on his way here smelled greasy and amazing on his empty stomach. 
“Are you sure? I still have the kitchen to clean and I just don't want you all to think that I don't care o-or anything that i-its our last dinner before you guys go back to Chicago for Christmas and I just-” 
“Yea, your fine , its fine if we have pizza, I’ll text Michelle to grab it on their way over, they wont mind.”
“Okay…” you mumble, caving in on the choice of pizza and leaning your head back on the cabinet behind you. Carmens already pulling his phone out of his pocket when he spots the new texts from Stevie and Michelle on his lock screen. 
Stevie: ‘Sorry gang, we dont think we can make it tonight, we still have a lot to pack 😕’
Michelle: ‘Yea I’m sorry i know its so close to dinner but maybe you two can get along without us????’ 
Michelle: ‘Sorry again lovelies xoxo 😘’
Michelle: ‘Dont be a dick carm 💛😘’
“Well fuck,” Carmen mumbled. He was now on his own to make conversation. “Looks like its just us for dinner. ‘Said they still have packing to do.”
“Oh,” was all you could think to say. Of course the universe would have the only two people you could actually converse with busy on the one night you were meant to see them. 
“Yea…” Carmen wasn't sure how to proceed. Does he leave cause the only bridge between you both isn't showing? Does he stay because he already committed to dinner? God he feels so awkward.
“Well we could still get pizza?” you ask. “I mean you came all this way so it kinda feels like a waste.”
“You sure?”
“Yea, I mean I still gotta clean the kitchen but theres a place around the corner thats amazing after crying,” you say with a bit of a laugh to help bring up the awkward mood.
“Let me help you and we can go?” he suggests, already rising to his feet and offering you a hand.
“Are you sure? I mean the chicken I think is welded on there at this point,” you say. As your taking his hand and he pulls you to stand from your floor, you see his forearms flex and your mind short circuits as you look probably a second longer than you need to at the muscles and veins there. Luckily he doesn't notice because he's already turning and grabbing the now cool baking sheet with the chicken on it. 
“Yea it’ll go faster, I think I can get this off too,”  Carmen quickly took charge of washing the bowls, cutting boards, and other kitchen utensils you had pulled out in your frenzy to cook dinner on time. 
In nearly no time at all the kitchen was clean and the two of you had left for the pizza parlor a block away. While yes the cleaning was a little awkward, the noise of the city on the walk made making any conversation difficult, meaning neither of you had to talk or struggle to make conversation. 
“Pepperoni good?” Carmen asked as the two of you stood awkwardly next to each other, both of your jackets zipped all the way up thanks to the near unbearable cold outside.
“Y-yea, they make bomb garlic knots too if you want some,” you responded, skimming over the menu even though you already knew what the plan was. 
“C-cool, um,” Carmen looked around the small shop, there was just the counter and a cooler for drinks, no seating. The place reminded him of the beef, dingy, and not that healthy, but god damn was this about to be the best food he could ever get. “Did you want to go back to your place? Cause… cause there's no tables and stuff…” Carmen cringed at the awkward way the words came out. 
“Yea if that's good with you?” you said taking a step forward, the two of you would look at each other before looking away, as if the tiled flooring was so interesting. You decided to take a page out of Stevie’s book, he was better with people than you were so you prayed the attempted joke would land. “I mean we could eat out in the cold if your more comfortable?” A smile pressed its way onto Carmen’s face and you considered that a victory. 
“Yea no, I love eating outside when its about to snow,” he snickered. “Reminds me of home.” You both shifted closer as the people in front of you pushed pass you both to leave with their pizzas. As you both stepped up to the counter Carmen was faster than you in not only placing the order, a large peperoni with a side of garlic knots, but also whipping out his wallet and paying, you on the other hand had barely stumbled out a hello and barely started shifting your bag to get out your own wallet by the time he was done.
“You didn’t have to do that,” you mumbled as you both stepped off to the side to wait.
“Yea well, its cool I got the money,” Carmen added. You only partly doubted it, he worked at the highest rated restaurant in the world but also lived in New York so it kinda balanced out. You both distracted yourselves for a few minuets looking at your phones, you taking to a word search game and Carmen playing the fun game of ‘who is this and why do I have their number?’ with his contacts. It felt a little more relaxing compared to earlier, more like the same air you both got when Stevie and Michelle would leave the room at your normal dinners, not pressured to talk but liking the fact another person was next to you.
“Order 447!” you and carmen both jumped as the number was yelled through the small shop. Carmen stepped forward and took the box and bag from the worker, turning to you, where you grabbed the bag and began to head out before he got up the words to protest that he's got it. 
Luckily the only awkward part of the walk back to your apartment was the elevator ride up. As you both stepped into your apartment you were both greeted by the loud yelling of your cat as she rounded the corner to yell at you for leaving for a whole 30 minuets.
“Yea yea your fine baby,” you told her as you took the pizza from Carmen. “You good with just sitting on the couch? I don't want to do anymore kitchen cleaning.”
“Heard,” Carmen carmen said as he took off his jacket. He was looking down at the feline weaving between his legs and bent down to let her sniff him so he could pet her, instead she smelt him and abruptly ran back deeper in the apartment and he smiled a little at the cat, following it with his eyes to you coming out of the kitchen with two cans of coke, paper plates, and paper towels. Something in him stirred at the mundane and domestic sight but he waved it off as more anxiety.
“Wait-shit-your not allergic to cats are you?” you asked panicked.
“N-no,” Carmen's voice broke a little as he said it and he cleared his throat. “No… My, um, my mom never let us have one when I was a kid, something about the furniture. I always wanted one though.” Why’d his voice break like that? Why’d he bring up his mom? Fuck now he's gonna have to explain everything.
“Cool-cool,” you were turning to head deeper into the apartment again and Carmen followed, getting a better look at the place now that he wasn't rushing to the kitchen. “That's Mince, cause when I got her she was tiny and I wasn't thinking ahead.” He took in the living room, a nice, small sectional couch with a blanket over the back was against one wall, and a tv with bookcases full of nick-nacks and heavy looking books with holiday lights around it. The center of the room had a buttery carpet and the coffee table with the pizza and garlic knots on it. 
“Make yourself at home,” you added. You’d never felt more aware of your actions than now, as Carmen looked at more of your space with posters and pictures around it and you were just trying to tell yourself to act normal. He took in the dining table with four perfectly mismatched chairs that was tucked into a corner on the other side of the wall from the kitchen. Mince catches his attention from the couch, batting at his hand from her spot on the arm rest. He again goes to pet her only for her to skip off and run to the opposite end where you are. Carmen finally takes a seat on the couch, the two of you as far as you could be. You both dig into the pizza and Carmen can’t help but think about how good it is. 
“Fuck,” he groaned. It definitely compensates for the shitty morning he had and the rollercoaster of emotions he felt around you.
“Right?” you said through a smile. You were turning on the tv and poking around for something to watch. 
“‘S so fucking good,” he said through another bite. “Chicago is still better though.” he mumbled.
“Fuck off,” you finally settled on Bobs Burgers that you left off on. You both ate in a mostly comfortable silence, focusing on the show and avoiding looking at each other. Once you felt you were full you settled back into the couch, and glanced at carmen sitting in your space, he had made himself more comfortable, and he looked nice there, leaned up against the arm of the couch with one arm draped over the back of the couch fiddling with a part of the blanket and his legs spread wide. You shifted your focus back to the television not wanting to make it more weird. 
“So… did you finish packing already?” you settled on conversation to distract you from the thought of crawling into his lap. “For Chicago I mean.”
“Oh um,” Carmen was a little startled by the sudden conversation, but fuck it you already cried in front of him today, it was his turn to share. “N-no I’m just staying here, rather not watch my mom drive the car through a wall and my brother fight my uncle again.”
“Jeez, I’m sorry,” Steve had told you some of what happened that Christmas, mainly summarized as a big blowout of a fight between Michelle’s cousin Mikey and her kinda-uncle Lee, and her aunt Donna driving her car through the living room. God why'd you bring this up? He probably didn't want to talk about it. “Did you have any plans then?” Please let this be a decent change of topic you think.
“Just work, go home, smoke and eat, sleep, just like the last two years,” he says with a sigh. “Wh-What about you?”
“No, I was just gonna stay in and watch some movies.” Carmen answers with an affirming ‘hm’, not wanting to overstep and ask more questions. Even with the both of you wanting to talk more, neither of you know how to go from here. You turn you attention back to the television as Carmen turns his head a little to quietly observe you. 
Curled up in the corner of the couch in a cozy, old, and ratty sweatshirt with some leggings and fuzzy holiday grippy socks, hair down, and face still a little puffy from the winter air and your tears, but still beautiful in the darkening light of your apartment, mundanely so. Not a supermodel ripped from the cover of vogue, or an unobtainable influencer with hair and makeup perfectly placed for pictures. You look like you belong there. You look real. Cozy and warm on your couch with the lights from the streets down below hitting you just so. Home he thinks, before quickly turning his attention back to the tv. Its not like he’d ever have a shot with you anyways, he’s always too busy, or too angry, or too much of an asshole in general. Where’d all of those thoughts even come from? He hardly ever felt at home with anyone, especially outside of the kitchen. 
As the show plays on the two of you get lost in it and enjoying the act of being alone together, occasionally steeling glances at each other. You find yourself kind of liking being with him, not necessarily talking or interacting but the feeling of another person in the same room as you feels nice. Carmen won't say it but he's enjoying himself too. The show and coziness of your apartment make him feel relaxed more than his barren dingy apartment ever could, and the abundance of stuff artfully placed helps give him something to look at and think on rather than get lost in his anxiety and self doubt. Why does she have a Halloween decoration out its December…right? He thinks. Your both trying to think on how to ask for what you want but you beat him too it. Probably because you grew up with Steve and his weird ball of encouragement always on your side.
“Did you want to hang out? On Christmas I mean,” you finally get the courage to ask. Phew, not that bad.
“I mean I-I don't want to intrude,” Carmen starts. “Plus I have work the next day.”
“You could sleepover? If-if you want,” you prepose. “We can still smoke, eat, and sleep if you want. All the traditions you enjoy, a-and I don’t think I’m far from the line you need?” 
You definitely aren't. In fact your apartment is somehow on a faster route to work than his own. The only reason you know is because of the Bake It Nice pop up bakery Eleven Madison Park does once a month that you always try to make time for. Carmen thinks on it for a second, and your sure he's looking for a way to let you down nicely.
“You sure your okay with me leaving at 5:00 in the morning?” he asks. 
“Absolutely,” you say with a smile, and something in Carmen stirs. “Plus I can pass the fuck out again when you leave anyways.” he smiles at that, still unsure what feeling he's having right now, but he likes it.
“Okay,” he says and you both return you attention back to the show smiling like children. Your legs a little more outstretched towards carmen and his body begging to sink further into your couch. Relaxing to the feeling of you.
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earthtokhal · 1 month ago
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RE: EMOTIONAL DR POST.
Formula 1 wasn't a foreign sport to me, my uncle and cousins all loved it for as long as I can remember but my father was more of a bat and ball sports guy, so instead of watching the likes of Ricciardo, Hamilton, Vettel and Rosberg, my days were filled with the Pollocks, the De Villiers and the Warners.
But I found Daniel Ricciardo one evening in 2022 as I was scrolling through Netflix. I found DTS and decided to give it a try to finally pay back my cousin for taking interest in something else I liked. She did it for me, I'd do this for her but more so, I needed a distraction.
You see, my favorite band, BTS had just put a hold on their career. My favorite member, Seokjin was going to be enlisting in the South Korean army in a few months and soon after the rest of them would follow. It was something that we knew was coming but something no one could truly prepare for.
But being the ever anxious soul who would rather change the course of things rather than let it happen and experience it then, I knew that it would be something that would hit me hard. Seokjin would be gone for two years.
And it was odd, and slightly embarrassing because I was a then 27 year old with a big girl job and family responsibilities absolutely losing my mind about my comfort person being gone for 2 years. Incredibly parasocial, I know. But the year had been hard, I had covid, I lost my father, my best friend was still all the way in South Korea and I had new responsibilities that I was still coming to terms with.
I had met my best friend through BTS and we had spent many hours talking about them, writing fiction and now we didn't know how to navigate this. Well, I didn't. She's much stronger than I am.
My intention was solely to have a distraction, and to maybe get some information to talk to my cousin about the sport she had loved since she was a kid but the second that guy, with the curly hair and big grin sat in the interview chair and opened his mouth, I was hooked.
"I'm Daniel Ricciardo and I'm a car mechanic."
I was so incredibly taken by him that I somehow went from season 1 to season 3 in just a few days and got my best friend hooked too.
I had found my new hyperfixation, someone so incredibly like Seokjin. It's weird that I say that because I don't know either of them personally but Daniel was incedibly "welcoming."
Unfortunately for me, by the time I did find the series and ultimately the sport, his exit from Mclaren was already announced and so I watched the remainder of the season with that in mind, I just found him but I am about to lose him. In those few races, I watched in 2022, I had the full experience of being a Danny Ric fan, the happiness when he qualified well, the joy when he was able to get a good strategy and absolute elation when he got solid points but I also experienced the lows, the change of the steering wheel, COTA 2022 and then the goodbye but somehow it didn't feel like this.
I was genuinely upset that he didn't want to go to Haas. For my own gain, I wanted him to join a team immediately so that I could have him just a little while longer but he didn't. I remember getting so incredibly angry with that F1 presenter who saying that he should have taken the seat despite him just telling them that he needed a break mentally.
And after the most grueling year of my life, this millionaire, Aussie sportsman showed me that it's okay to take a break even when nobody else thinks you should.
He left the sport that day with rumours surrounding him that he would join Mercedes and Red Bull as their third driver. I was so happy that he spent his last race fighting with the man he spent some of his first years in formula 1 fighting alongside, Seb. Daniel eventually got that point and I thought, Seb is for sure leaving so he deserves this goodbye, Daniel isn't completely going. He'll get his some other time. (lol)
A few days later, we found out he joined Red Bull and silly me, despite their history of cruel sacking, I thought it would be different here. He will be treated well, this is his team.
Daniel fought, I do not care about the revision people did of his career and those who claimed he didn't show his worth in his time with AT/RB. He fought!
He was out of the car for 8 months and put in a lap time that would have put him next to Max. He came back and matched Yuki immediately, he got absolutely shafted by Zhou and brought the car back to p13.
And in Spa, he pushed the car so hard that he ended up with a lap time deleted but for me, it felt good. He felt comfortable enough to absolutely send it.
Then the rollercoaster of Zandvoort. I was so incredibly scared that we would lose him again and somehow he pulled through, he came back and gave that useless team a p4 in quali and their highest finishing position. No dnf's infront of him, that was all him.
This year, I hoped it would go better for him but he was on the back foot from day 1. Whether the chassis was ready broken or not, we will never know but what I do know is that the second they changed it, he started performing better. Points tell a different story but he has very much been the better driver since at least Canada.
He tested the set ups for them, he gave them the feedback. Hell, he brought them the sponsors.
In the end, he did every single thing he needed to. He was told to perform and boy, did he perform. The seat was never going to be his because he was never going to buy it.
And if this is truly the end, then I hope he decided. I hope that he saw the team for what it truly is and he walked out.
I wish he got a better goodbye, I wish he was able to stay until the end and more importantly, I wish he could have announced it himself. I wish Red Bull actually stood by him like they said would, I wish he never was caught in between this inner political war happening in Red Bull. I wish the media just left him alone and I wish that after Mclaren, that his management team had protected him better.
But, I also hope that this return to the sport was what he hoped it would be, I hope he knows that his talent and career is not defined by his Mclaren stint or by what people try to make it out to be. His competitors from the seven time world champion right down to those who drove alongside him for a few races, hold him in such high regard because he is and will always be THAT guy.
I hope even after all this, he could return whether with Audi or if they ever decide to get that guy out of the RBR seat and I hope then, he gets the goodbye he truly deserves.
But Daniel Ricciardo, you have been a light to so many people. You are the reason the sport has become so big and so commercialized, the reason teams are able to get these insane sponsors now.
Thank you for the journey and for affording me the chance to watch you race post Mclaren.
To me, You are Formula 1 and you will always be.
"May your trials always end in full bloom. "- August D- So far away.
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softevnstan · 2 years ago
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³.⍭ 𝐈𝐭 𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐇𝐨𝐦𝐞
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pairing. bucky barnes x gender netural!reader
summary. you couldn't believe the name that graced the file on your desk for your new patient. james 'bucky' barnes. you'd heard of him - even studied some of his history during college for psychology classes. never would you have imagined he'd be sent to your office, looking for help.
a.n. yeahhh i couldn't do this as just a one time thing. this is going to be a multi-part i write to update every now and again. so for today you have crumbs of what your first session is like. as someone who's been diagnosed with c-ptsd and has a butt-load of trauma, i'm writing bucky's experience in therapy based on my own. that being said i do not condone patient/therapist irl or any of that power balance outside of fiction. gross. that's the only disclaimer for this series tho going forward, i'm not gonna tag that everytime.
edit. part two is here yall
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“So, Mr. Barnes, from what I’m understanding, you'd like to make me your primary therapist and discontinue working with Doctor Raynor?” Perhaps if you knew you’d be in this situation, you would’ve mentally prepared yourself a little better for the day when you got up out of bed that morning.
Being a therapist certainly wasn’t without its obstacles, no – It’s a lot to listen to someone else’s problems and just how many callus and evil things happen in the world. It also has its moments where it reminds you just how vile people can be, too. From children all the way to elderly, you’ve seen countless patients. They come back because you’re passionate about your job; Not looking at these people as paychecks but as living, breathing people. And sometimes people just need someone to talk to; there’s no shame in that.
You just never anticipated you’d have a war hero on your office couch, though. That was not on the radar when you were working towards your Master’s Degree. 
James “Bucky” Buchanan Barnes sat across from your beige and brown striped armchair on the couch. He looked lonely in the middle; For a man so broad, it would be impressive how small he could make himself if not for the fact it was simultaneously heart wrenching. Cobalt eyes struggled to meet your gaze from the moment he walked into the office to begin the session. His body looked awfully stiff, and his eyes dark like he hadn’t had a good night’s rest in weeks. Perhaps months.
“Yes.” He answers stiffly, “Please.” At least he’s sure to mind his manners despite the clear discomfort radiating from the soldier across from you. But his quiet and taut demeanor is discouraging: “It’s important that you are comfortable here, Mr. Barnes. Therapy is something that works best when it doesn’t feel forced…” “I am comfortable,” Bucky jumps to correct, earning a slight raise of a brow from you before schooling your expression once more. “Comfortable enough. I’m just new to… this.” The man makes a vague gesture with his hands between the both of you; Aching eyes speaking more than words ever will when Bucky briefly raises them to look at you.
The first step is wanting to heal. Bucky’s already showing initiative by being present - by putting his foot forward to try to find a therapist better suited to him rather than just throwing his hands up after the first dead end. That’s good. You can work with that. 
Your lips curl into a soft, welcoming smile. “Change can be scary, especially when we don’t understand what all is changing or what could come from it. With us working together, though, I can only do as much as you let me. It’s going to be intimidating, and you may not like it, but I want to help you feel better, Mr. Barnes. You deserve to feel better.” Positive reinforcements are always a good thing so long as they’re not condescending or passive aggressive. It’s all in the delivery, you’ve learned. It’s important patients feel comfortable when they’re with you – how else are they expected to be honest, then?
Bucky looks quizzically for a few moments before once more averting his anxious gaze. It made your heart hurt to see a man so beaten down and on edge; it felt so obvious to you, but then again, you were educated on how to find the tells. You could read him like a book right then. Feel everything radiating off of him, almost.
“What kind of things will you do..?” Bucky inquires after a beat.
“Well, I’d like you to start keeping a journal that we could use for our sessions. It’ll help you keep a record of what you’re feeling and we could use it like a workbook – there’d be homework involved, but there’d be nothing I know you can’t handle.”
“Homework?”
You smile, a nod of your head: “Work sheets, sometimes I’ll ask you to read something for me or answer a few questions, sometimes I’ll give you a worksheet you can use when necessary – then the next time I see you, we’ll go over what you’ve brought back and assess together so I can help you understand.”
He’s tentative to the idea, you can see it. It’s clear Bucky is very selective and reserved. You can only imagine how much strife this poor man has been through. But you see the light in him. You do. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to get better.
“...I don’t want to be unhappy anymore,” Bucky says, almost not catching the words if not for the fact the room is silent except for the two of you. “I can help you, Bucky,” you assure him, voice sincere. “We just need to work together and let me give you the tools to be happy. Do you think you can do that for me, Mr. Barnes?”
It’s clear your words seem to rock Bucky in some way, because he looks at you with something that almost resembles shock. As if he’s never heard anyone say something like that to him, has never wanted to help him become himself again. And if his experiences with Raynor is anything to base off of, Bucky needs a proper support system and someone who’s there with his best interest in mind. You can be that for him - even if it is your job irregardless. 
He’s silent, eyes darting away and breaking the brief moment of eye contact between the both of you. Then, a nod.
“I can try.” it might as well be a promise.
“That’s all I’ll ever ask of you.”
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anjelicawrites · 2 years ago
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Come with us on a little spin I
Paring: Aemond Targaryen x reader x Osferth. Implied Aemond x Osferth
Synopsis: filling this request from lovely anon: “what about an aemond x reader x osferth where all 3 decide to do a road trip and the whole time the guys are just loving on reader and giving her TONS of affection” 
Warnings: Smoking. PTA parents being the worst. Some suggestive themes but SFW
A/N: the setting up of the road trip wasn’t supposed to be this long but here I am your honor. Part II with the actual road trip will come out in the next few days, I just need to re-read it again and be happy with what I have churned out.
Osferth loves camping. Loves the freedom to just pick a spot to sleep, to read by the fire and to listen to scary stories while darkness looms. He is a big fan skinnydip and has convinced you many times to make love in the water. He loves to hear the wind rustling through the leaves and there's anything better than 'smores? You had gone with him many times but you are not precisely a fan; you had listened to too many true crime podcasts to look at the shadows without at least a little chill, even though you know Osferth is more than capable of protecting you. 
Aemond is the polar opposite. He doesn't get to go on vacation often, he mainly travels for his family’s company. In any case he always chooses five star hotels, where he doesn't have to deal with anything that is not work and has the possibility to eat in his own room without the hindrance of dealing with other people. You had gone with him as well and always felt a bit out of place with all these posh people around you and the servers always around the corner; you were certain that they could smell you are from a working class stock. The feeling of making love in those luscious sheets tho? Priceless. 
You are a mixed bag when it comes to travel. You didn't mind the shared rooms in terrible, awful hostels in your youth and now you mainly travel using AirBnB. More than once the idea of owning a camper van has crossed your mind, but you can't afford it now and it just lingers somewhere, pinned on the board of dreams at the back of your mind. 
You are having a stressful year at school. Two of your classes will have their final exams, on top of that, you are the liaison with the families, charged with organizing the various meetings and to keep on top with PTA parents. You love your job, teaching is your life, but sometimes it feels like you are doing more paperwork than preparing for your various classes.You have already told your principal that you are dropping the liaison role next year; one can endure PTA parents only for so long and you are already beyond your tether.  The more the end of the year looms close, the more you chain smoke and stress eat. You can see how much both the men of your life are worried about you and your health, but you don't know how to keep your head over the rising water in any other way. You just need to endure for some more months and then everything is going to be ok, you keep telling yourself and them. Just a handful of months. 
Coming to talk about Aemond and Osferth, you know they are planning something but you can't really put your finger on what that is. Of the two Aemond is the one who has the best poker face, but you are a teacher, your bullshit detector is at its finest and you have mastered the art of having eyes behind your head. When you try to breach the subject, they both change topic, but Osferth looks cutely guilty and stammers a bit. Cats out of the bag: you are curious and anxious and it is nagging at the back of your head. What are those two doing? Jealousy doesn't even cross your mind, you trust Aemond and Osferth with your life, it's just that you need to scratch the hitch of curiosity every single time they look conspiratorial at one another when they think you can't see them or use excuses for the fact that they are coming home later than usual.
***
You decide to try Osferth who, of the two, is the one more likely to tell you. So you corner him against the fridge and just start firing questions, trying not to stop when he looks at you with pleading puppy dog eyes
"Please!" he says trying to move you away
"Oh come on! Spill the beans! What's going on?"
You know Osferth will never use his strength against you, so you plaster yourself against his frame, your breast almost spilling from the neckline of your shirt and you can see his eyes moving there on their own
"Nothing is going on!"
"You are a terrible liar. If you tell me, I'll be super nice with you” you say, kissing his cheek softly, eyeing him like you want to eat him
"Don't make me ruin it, please!" 
It's the desperation in his voice, which you usually hear after having either overstimulated or denied him orgasms for a long time and the way his hands grab and shake around your waist, that makes you remove your body from his, opting to cup his face
"Osferth?" you have overstepped, you have been too much of a cunt, you should have stopped
"If you keep up I won't be able to keep my mouth shut and I don't want to ruin it - he looks so sad you just want to slap yourself - it's great but you have to wait!"
You just hug him tight and promise him you won't push the subject again, he reciprocates and hides his face against your shoulder, kissing your neck apologetically and then your lips, slow and delicate. Your beautiful and brave Osferth who loves you so much and you are so undeserving of him. You are so tightly strung by your job, that you are realizing only now that your obsession with whatever they are doing, is just a way to release steam. You have just used your beloved Osferth like you would a stress toy, something you had promised yourself long ago you wouldn’t do. You are not your mother and the people you love are not your stress relief, most of all the two men you love more than life itself.
 ***
"That was uncalled for"
"What?"
It's almost 3 in the morning but that's time zones for you. You are Skyping with Aemond who is away for work. Osferth is asleep in your shared room, too tired out by your heartfelt excuses to stay awake.
"Trying to push Osferth like that. You know he'd feel awful if he'd folded"
You crave a cigarette but Aemond is already unhappy and he hates when you smoke. Even the sapphire in his lost eye seems to be unhappy with you 
"That was out of line and I already feel like I've kicked a puppy, thank you very much - you grab a pen and start munching on it - I am hanging by a thread and my anxiety is skyrocketing. You know how much I hate surprises and I hate being kept in the dark" you pout, hoping to be adorable enough to be forgiven, at least by him, yourself? That’s gonna need some more time
"I know, but you have to trust us, you already do it with so much - there’s a genuine smile on his lips - and you are the one who loves telling me how patience is a virtue" he says smugly. 
If he is smug he is not mad at you, not really. You are projecting your own self loathing on him, you should stop; your relationship with him deserves better.
"That applies to you not me, and you love being denied"
"Correct - you see him adjusting his loose pajama pants - I miss you"
"That's low. I miss you too. I can't wait for this school year to be over"
"Do you really have to do after school work? Can't they hire someone else?" he looks even more done with you principal than you are
"We all have to. I'll probably end up helping with the new purchases for the library. Not completely PDA moms free, but less paperwork and no WhatsApp groups"
"That's a terrible way to conduct business" you can just see the manager in him rearing his head
"Let's not go there - instinctively your hand reaches for the screen, wishing to be able to touch his face - how was your day? What are you doing so far away from us?"
Aemond visibly relaxes against the headboard and starts talking. You miss him terribly. How long has it been since you had the time to sit and relax with the men you love? No bitching about work but just enjoying each other’s presence? It feels like years and the only thing you crave now, is the warm embrace of Aemond and Osferth.
***
Since your incident with Osferth, your anxiety levels skyrocketed, by the end of the school year you are managing to sleep a grand total of three, maximum four hours each night. You would go to bed with Osferth and Aemond, but they would wake up without you, since you would be already awake and working in your study, trying not to tell Karen the PTA mom supreme to go fuck herself. They would coax you to the kitchen and one would have you seated on his legs, while the other would feed you the breakfast you would have skipped, opting for something sugary and of no nutritional value. You would usually find yourself working next to one of them (you are pretty sure Aemond has worked a schedule so that they can be with you and still be productive parts of society), one of their hands would be on your tight, just there, showing support and when you'd feel like you need a cigarette, one of their knuckles would be there for you to delicately munch on.
During this whole ordeal, you know they are still working on their secret project, what you don’t know is that they are doubling their efforts. You were supposed to receive it after school closing, but you are so tightly wound up that they have decided you need to see it as soon as possible. You can’t use it if you finally snap and kill the Kares in your school, or so they hope.
***
It is one of those wonderful late May mornings, when the sun is shining but it is not awfully hot and just being outside on the porch, watching the dogs play as the cats roast themselves on the patches of sun, is all you want to do. Thanks to your insomnia, you are finally on top of the work and you can use the weekend to just relax a little. You can’t turn your phone off, because PTA parents know no break, but the paperwork is done, the last homeworks are marked and you are positive that all your pupils will pass their tests, some with flying colors, other not, but you are proud of the work you have been doing with all of them.
You see Osfeth’s blond mop move closer from your right. He is already dressed and showered and looks like he can barely contain himself
“I thought you were still asleep!”
“My lady” his smile is infectious as he bends to kiss your nose
“Gevie - Aemond is behind you and you almost headbutt poor Osferth, he has scared you - good morning” 
Okay, something is going on. Aemond not dressed for work on a Friday? He takes one of your hands to help you on your feet, as he kisses the back of your neck.
You feel the electricity passing between your two loves, the air is pregnant with something you can’t really name but is good energy you decide. You are taken aback a little when Aemond presents you with one of your scarves
“Trust us?” he smiles that special way that tells you he is truly content with something
“With my life” but you heart pounds a bit faster as Osferth delicately wraps the scarf around your head, treating you with a love you still feel like you don’t deserve, after your stunt
“Ok, care to tell me what’s going on?” you can feel their excitement, but it is not sexual, of this you are sure
“Take our hands” says Osferth on your right and you just give in.
Aemond’s softer hand grabs your left, Osferth’s rougher palm wraps around your right. They slowly start walking and you follow them to the stairs of the back porch, where both their holds become stronger as they help you down the steps and try to fend off the exuberant dogs. 
With your makeshift blindfold on, you are not sure of where you are going, but you think is behind the patch of wood in your property, judging by the way the terrain slopes a little, the one you are managing with the local conservationists. You try to peak, because you are that curious but Osferth closes his hand tighter around yours
"We're almost there"
"Behave of I'll ask Osferth to spank you"
"Promises promises Aemond" you smile, but your heart is hammering in your chest. What have they organized? You are sure there's nothing there, at least up to yesterday, when you went on a walk with the dogs. 
You are surprised when your walk comes to an halt, your feet skip a little and Aemond has to grab your shoulder to stop you from falling on your ass
"Now would be the worst day to hurt yourself" Armond chastises you
"If someone hadn't blindfolded me…" your rant stops when callous fingers grab your chin and you feel Osferth's forehead against yours
"Are you ready, love?" You can feel the excitement coursing through him
"Yes!" Your hands go to the knot but Aemond is already there, undoing it with skilled fingers. 
For a moment you are not capable of speech in any language you know, you can't even breathe: in front of you there's a van, the door is open and you can see it is camperized. This is the moment you start crying, ugly sobbing and hands on your face. You feel, more than seeing, your lovers' hands on your shoulders and the only thing that you can do is try to hug them both at the same time while the tears keep on coming. 
They are panickingly asking what's wrong, to please stop crying and you can't, a fresh wave of tears falls as you messily kiss both their faces. You are not sure what causes you three to fall on the grass in a mess of limbs, has one of you lost balance? Was it one of the dogs? You don't know and you don't care. With the two of them under you is even more simple to try and smooch them, your lips falling aimlessly on their skin as their arms envelope you tight. 
When you finally manage to calm down, you scuttle backward to sit cross legged on the grass. Your face is probably a mess, your eyes puffy and red, but it feels like all those unruly, negative emotions you have been feeling for such a long time, are finally gone, washed away by your tears. 
"I am going out on a limb here, but I think it's safe to say you liked it?" Osfeth exudes sassiness
"I love it! You two are completely crazy! It must have cost a fortune!"
"Not really - Aemond smiles - we've gotten the van through Sithric, I designed the renovation and Osferth put everything together, with my help"
"Minimal help, I like your fingers where they are" they exchange a heated stare and you are almost sure they are going to start snogging for your viewing pleasure
"Not now - Aemond grabs your hand - Helaena is almost here"
"Wait, what? Why?" 
"She's going to pet sit for us" Aemond says nonchalantly 
"We are spiriting you away for the weekend, lovely lady" Osferth smiles.
You are absolutely speechless. How long have they been planning this?
"Months - Aemond, as per usual, is capable of reading your mind - you have no idea how hard it had been to keep you in the dark"
"Oh, I think I know" you smile at Osferth who just beams back at you. 
By the time you have showered, Helaena has arrived and is sitting cross-legged on the sofa, Santanico Pandemonium, your almost feral cat, happily purring on her legs; Helaena is the only one who can pet her, everyone else is at risk of losing a limb. 
You really like Helaena. She is smart and lovely, she had happily helped you when you had to put together a class with the biology teacher and your students were overly interested in her explanation of how different bugs had received their Latin name. You and Osferth have never met the rest of Aemond family, but know the whole dynamic is beyond complex and Aemond fears you and Osferth would somehow be used by his family against him. Helaena is another thing, though. She is half of Aemond's heart and she is the only one he trusts with the knowledge of your existence, which is a great thing, if you have to pet sit a fucking dragon. 
Your friends or Uthred and the others would happily keep an eye on your personal zoo, but Vhagar needs to be handled by a dragon rider and she doesn't like Uthred, Sithric or Finan, since that one time they bought a hurt Osferth home during stormy night. Voiced had raised that night, threats had been shout out on the front porch, until Vhagar had popped her scaly head from the side of your house, growling deep in her throat, looking like she had wanted an appetizer and everyone had just frozen on the spot, until Aemond had commanded something in High Valyrian, Vhagar had seemed to ponder on whatever he had said and decided to curl back where she was before. You had seen Aemond's shoulders visibly relax
"I think you should go" you said, still shook, no one complained. 
***
“Are you with us?” Osferth rouses you from your reverie. 
Your almost monk of a boyfriend is always capable of pulling a Fleabag from you. 
Aemond has been driving, back straight and hands in the perfect ten to ten position, while you are sitting between him and Osferth, busy between exploring the dashboard and kissing your boyfriends. This feels so unreal
“You know I am going to explore this once we arrive, right?”
“I wouldn’t expect no less from you” Aemond smiles but doesn’t lift his eyes from the road
“There are so many things for you to discover” Osferth is so proud of the hard work they had poured into remaking the van
“Aemond, my dragon, is this the reason for your unexpected week-long work trip some months ago?” Osferth laughs next to you and you elbow him
“Yes, you would have asked too many questions about my fingernails” Aemond looks a bit uncomfortable, the way cats do when they make a mistake and people can see them. You move to his side as much as the seat belt allows you and put your head on his shoulder
“What happened?”
“Aemond discovered the hard way that baking is better than handiwork to express frustration”
“Snitches get stitches Osferth” Aemond smolders the other man and you can feel the sexually charged energy passing between the two of them
“You haven’t christened the van without me, right?” you pout
“No - Aemond responds and you smile - but I think Finan will never look at his work bench the same way again”.
A bolt of unadulterated sexual desire travels through you. For a moment you want to ask Aemond to stop the van and have your wicked way with the two of them here and now
“Scratch the exploration. I am going to thank the two of you thoroughly once we arrive” your voice has deepened and you can see the goosebump blossoming on Aemond’s skin
“Good - you feel Osferth move behind you to hug you - we need to check if we did the math right. It would be a bummer to find out we can't make love together here”.
They didn't fucked up their math and your lovemaking fits, spectacularly so, as you three find out that same night.
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selfproclaimedunicorn · 6 months ago
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Stannis + Helaena - getting to know you
After months I finally got something! I hope it's good, lol
Stannis had never been quite so aware of his hands and arms before. Everything he could do with them felt so conspicuous, and all he wanted was to appear as casual and confident as his lord father or Uncle Robert. No, not Uncle Robert, that was asking too much. He finally settled on clasping his hands behind his back, which was inconspicuous and chivalrous enough, and glanced at Helaena from the corner of his eye as she walked next to him.
Her hair practically blended in with the cream of her loose fitting dress, curls falling over her shoulder to meld with her skin and the draping cotton. She was much more focused on the dirt she was scraping from underneath her nails than him, and truthfully Stannis was grateful for it. She would not notice how awkward he was this way.
“Are you going to say anything?”
He startled when she finally spoke, nearly tripping over his own feet. He heard Helaena snicker from just behind him, and his cheeks heated so much he could not stand to look back at her and show the fullness of his flushing. Some of it was probably visible though, and it made Stannis curse the decision to wear his hair shorter.
“I, um, I am sorry, Helaena. I am more anxious than I thought I would be.”
“Going for a walk was your idea.”
“I know.”
Silence followed, and he reluctantly turned around. Helaena’s expression was expectant, and her purple eyes, much lighter than his, seemed to bore into the very core of his being. Stannis flexed his hands, keeping his arms at his sides this time as he tried to gather his thoughts. It was hard to be articulate when he had not prepared for it.
“We have always been friends, you know, after we met because of Uncle Aemon’s tourney, but things are different now.”
“Why is anything different?”
“We’re betrothed now!”
“So?”
“So…so…so it just is different! You are a woman grown and I am almost a man. I thought we should get reacquainted, but actually being alone made me nervous.” Stannis’s voice grew softer and softer as he spoke, turning to a full mumble as he looked down at his feet. It mattered now that he had started noticing how pretty Helaena was, that it heated his cheeks each time he thought about how nice she was or about the sound of her laugh, that her hair smelled nicer than most anything else and he wanted to bury his face in it to be overwhelmed by her. He toed at the ground, digging an unimpressive rut into the grass until his cousin’s skirts swished into view. Her closeness loomed over him, no matter how much taller than her he was, and it forced him to look up at her again.
“Do you still like history and knights and stories?” Helaena's tone was matter-of-fact, her words half real question and half point she was trying to make that at the moment eluded him. Stannis blinked back his confusion, silent as she, once again, looked at him expectantly. 
“Obviously I do. I mean, knights are maybe slightly less exciting than when I was younger since my own knighthood will be happening in less than two years, but it is still one of the only things I have ever truly wanted…” his rambling trailed off as a satisfied smile subtly pulled up the corners of his cousin’s mouth, the meaning behind her question finally hitting him now that he'd begun dumping information onto her; just like they'd both always done since long before either of them had started to grow up. Stannis cleared his throat, and pivoted away from his prattling about knighthood before it could turn into a full speech, even if she probably would have happily listened to it.
“Do you still like bugs and embroidery and all the stories I would tell you?”
“Obviously, because we are not so changed that we have become different people. Nothing has to be terribly different than it was before we were betrothed.”
“I suppose not…and-and we've time to figure out what will be different.”
“At least two years.”
“Right,” there was no need to get impatient or overly concerned with it right now, “um, Helaena, do you-do you still want to go for a walk?”
“We are already out here, we might as well make use of Lady Shireen’s gardens.”
With an only slightly unsure smile, Stannis held out his arm, eyes gently questioning as he watched her. Helaena looked at his arm for a moment, quietly contemplating before hooking her hand in the crook of his elbow. Her fingers idly rubbed against the golden yellow velvet of his sleeve, she'd always liked velvet. Stannis’s grin widened; it was true that he noticed how pretty Helaena was now, but everything was still comfortable and familiar and he could try to not be impatient about the exciting, terrifying unknown of change.
“Will you tell me about Ser Serwyn of the Mirror Shield again? I always liked that one.”
“Of course,” there was a light, undercurrent of laughter under Stannis’s words, “and after you can tell me about the white mantis your grandsire had pinned for you.”
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silenced-ghost · 3 months ago
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thank you for your last task, sir!! it was very nice hehe
i have a more serious question, i hope it's okay that i ask? if not, feel free to just ignore <33
my first and only sexual experiences i ever had were with my ex boyfriend, and we broke up about two months ago. i assumed that you're more experienced with this kind of stuff so i want to ask you - is fingering a girl supposed to hurt (for her)? he tried it a few times and it didn't do anything other than hurt and make me feel so dizzy i was about to faint. i don't know if it's because he was doing it wrong or if there was something wrong with me. i will say i am a virgin (we never had actual intercourse just... other sexual stuff) so that might be it? again, i'm not sure and i don't have anyone else in my life i can ask about this 😭😭 thank you!!!
-🦋
of course!! glad you enjoyed it ⭐
very happy to answer more serious questions like this! so first, fingering is absolutely not supposed to hurt you and you shouldn't blame yourself - there's nothing wrong with you! even if you're a virgin it shouldn't be a necessarily painful sensation. being stretched by a finger or two might be a bit painful depending on how small/tight you are but the pleasure of it should counteract or balance against that feeling. it honestly sounds to me like he didn't bring you to a point where you were aroused or wet enough prior to him fingering you. skipping foreplay is not an option unless you want it to hurt or there's some other kink involved. it helps you to relax your body, turn you on, and prepare for it. there's other factors too, like were you anxious or nervous at all? your mental state during any kind of sexual encounter can really affect how your body reacts and whether you truly experience it as pleasurable.
in my own experience, I've found that giving head to the person I'm with is the best way to start after just general touching and groping. if fingering first, sucking on my own fingers or having the other person suck on them so that they're dripping wet before penetration is also essential.
I hope this is helpful!
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fang-and-feather · 1 year ago
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by  @xxsycamore and @queengiuliettafirstlady
Day 3 - Coffee shop AU
This was yesterday but everything seemed to be conspiring for me not to finish this...
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Hope
Ikemen Vampire - Isaac x Reader
AO3 Link / IkeVamp Masterlist / General Masterlist
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The idea of workers falling in love with customers only worked in fiction, or so you thought. Then again, you didn’t work in a very realistic place to begin with.
Although your family was only descendants of mages and had no powers, they had continued the family business. By now, it had become a coffee shop for magical humans and mythical beings.
Instead of working at the popular shop, though, you opened your own shop, a small place with a homely atmosphere. You didn’t have as many customers as the main branch, but the ones you had enjoyed their favorite drinks and treats with time and peace and sometimes just have a relaxing break from their busy lives.
For the past couple of months, one such customer had been Isaac, a very reserved vampire. It took a while for him to accept any friendliness from you, let alone for you to actually become friends.
A turned vampire, Isaac seemed afraid of what he was and what he could do to others. At first, you didn’t understand, but a small incident one rainy afternoon brought up the fact that he wasn’t a normal vampire but an aberrant.
That didn’t keep you from reaching out to him, from trying to make friends with him, and, in the end, from falling in love with him.
That was where your current nervousness came from. After a while of stalling, you decided to tell him.
You doubted he felt the same or that he would dare cross the boundaries your relationship seemed to be built around. The private talks you had away from work had shown you how Isaac was afraid of hurting or being hurt, so your friendship had a certain distance to it. But you believed you could get closer without hurting each other. Isaac wasn’t the monster he made himself out to be.
You spent the day quite anxious, waiting for the perfect opportunity to talk to him. But Isaac was also acting strange.
After not showing up for about a week - not like he had a schedule, since he came mostly to escape the chaos he claimed his house to be - he showed up quite fidgety, having difficulty concentrating on his current work, blushing so easily when you approached, and most of the times you caught yourself staring at him, you et his eyes looking back. That kind of behavior gave you a little hope that he could be interested as well.
Unlike most of the other days, when Isaac went home before evening, he stayed until closing time. Your co-worker encouraged you to leave the rest of the closing work to her when Isaac prepared to leave.
You caught up to him outside, realizing he had left to take a call. You chuckled at how annoyed he sounded towards the person on the other end. Likely Arthur, the flirty guy who had come with him a few times and was quite keen on teasing Isaac.
“Hey!” You called when the call was over.
“How long have you been there?” Isaac avoided your eyes, blushing.
“Not long. I brought you something for the trip home. On the house.” You offered the cup you were holding. Would he think it too strange?
“Thank you.” Isaac accepted the gift with a shy smile. “Can you walk with me? Or do you still have work to do?”
“No. I mean... I can go with you. I was hoping we could talk.”
Smiling, you accompanied him in silence for a while, before gathering your courage to ask."
“Isaac...” You stopped when he also called your name at the same time, and you two exchanged an awkward smile.
“You can go first,” he offered.
You nodded, taking a deep breath.
“I know we agreed to keep some distance, because you don’t believe we can get too close without one of us getting hurt, but I love you. Love you so much that I can barely stand it.” When he looked away, a faint dusting of pink, not unlike the color of his eyes, coloring his cheeks, you stepped back to give him space and sighed. “Sorry if I am crossing the line. I just couldn’t hold on to this anymore.”
The following silence made you even more tense, but Isaac finally looked at you, a fire in his eyes you had never seen before, despite his face looking redder than before, and took one of your hands in his free one, pulling you back closer.
“I... I love you too. That’s what I wanted to tell you before, too. And that’s why I haven’t been coming here for a while. I thought it was better for us to keep our distance. A part of me still thinks that was the best decision. But a part of me hopes we can make this work.”
Hope was all you had, and maybe you were hoping for the impossible, but with both of you willing to try, you had a great chance of making this work.
Isaac smiled sweetly at you before closing the rest of the distance to kiss you. It was a gentle, hesitant kiss with a faint taste of apples, but it was also a promise of a future to come, but it was enough for your heart to overflow with happiness and hope. Hope you would never let go of.
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IkeVamp Masterlist / General Masterlist
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lasi-nariyoyoreads · 1 year ago
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Taemin's personality according to tarots
What is this reading about? In honor of his comeback, I decided to do a little reading on his personality. It's divided in three parts: in the first one I picked a card that would represent the core aspect of his personality, then I picked a total of six cards that would describe what he thinks about himself and what others think of him. The last part is about his positive and negative traits, again I picked 6 cards.
Of course it's impossible to know what each person think of Taemin. Everyone has their own unique views, so I simply tried to look into what are the general opinions going on.
The third part of the reading will be about his positive and negative traits. Positive and negative can be a very vague definition, but I tried to consider which sides of his personality are helpful (for him and for others) and which traits are negative for him and for those around him.
I've been preparing several readings similar to this, one of them should've been posted in honor of D.O's comeback, but procrastination is my second name so here I am, more than one month later, posting a reading about another idol :')
Also, have you enjoyed Guilty?
Disclaimer:
My readings are made for fun and you should read them for fun too. So don't take them seriously.
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The main aspect of his personality:
4 of cups
He might feel unsatisfied, there’s a lot more out there, so much potential, so many things that can be better, that can be improved, yet they seem out of reach.
He might lack appreciation or not be fully aware of what he has, of what he achieved.
4 of cups is someone lost in their thoughts, sitting with their eyes closed, dissatisfied, bored. But if only they opened their eyes, they would notice the wonderful nature around them, the clear waters, the stars in the sky.
He feels unfinished and like a raw material that still has a long way to go before it can be called a diamond.
Perfecting himself is the core of his identity.
4 of cups is almost like an "introverted" card to me, so he's probably someone that doesn't open up easily to others and who tends to bottle up his feelings.
How does he see himself?
Rev The empress, rev the tower, ace of wands
It’s interesting, the empress is a very feminine card, it really represents the female energy in cards. It represents sensuality, nurturing and creativity.
All things you would connect with Taemin, right? But here the card is reversed and I think it can be interpreted in two ways.
The first message I get is that he might not feel fully comfortable in his androgynous image. I’m not saying that he hates it, but he might wonder “what if I tried to be something different?”, “is this really ok for me, what I truly wanted to do? Am I just pleasing others?”
It's possible it's an persona that fell on him, he just accepted it and he didn't really choose it himself.
The other message I get is that he might be insecure about his creative direction, he might feel bored or unsatisfied. 
The other point I get from the cards is that he might consider himself as someone who is somehow holding on, despite whatever life throws at him.
He tries to protect what’s dear to him, even to the point of being uselessly stubborn. Sometimes there’s less effort in rebuilding from zero a destroyed house, than trying to protect it by constantly working to fix it.
For example, he might be the type to try his best to keep a relationship, even though it would be better to let it go and start something new with another person.
It might also mean that he's simply someone who does always the same things, maybe with a fixed routine, maybe he's someone who always gets the same food in the restaurant or something similar.
I think he’s very anxious about big changes, he wants to have a solid basis and work to improve that, rather than giving up to start something new.
He’s an overall creative person, with lots of new ideas and always interested in new challenges.
How do others see him?
Rev the chariot, 8 of pentacles, 7 of cups
Some actually think he might lack direction and be a bit out of control? As if he doesn’t have a balanced energy or an objective view of himself and what’s around him.
He’s obviously considered as a successful person, with a great work ethic, who achieved important milestones.
They think he’s someone who has a lot of potential, someone who might as well try something new?
While they know he’s already very successful, some people around him might believe he could be bigger if he wanted to.
They might be like "bro you could do anything you want", but Taemin tends to be a bit afraid to jump in completely new fields? Or he needs a lot of contemplation before deciding to do something new.
He might lack the confidence to go out of his comfort zone, out of what he knows he does the best.
Positive traits:
Rev 5 of cups, 8 of swords, the lovers
There’s a childish energy about him.
I think he hasn’t forgotten his roots, he hasn’t forgotten who he was before becoming “the Lee Taemin” everyone loves. It’s possible he has good relationships with his family/childhood friends and that he enjoys going back home whenever he can.
Success didn’t change him.
Despite his tendency to keep his feelings to himself, he just seems like a really lovely and emotional person.
He might be too caught up in his inner turmoil, he might have issues with how people perceive him, but he’s truly someone ready to give love to whoever is lucky enough to be close to him.
He also tends to be faithful and loyal.
Negative traits:
3 of pentacles, rev 6 of pentacles, rev queen of pentacles
He might be too focused on his craft at times, forgetting everything else. There might be a bit of a duality here, working Taemin is a very rigid person who will only focus on improving and learning, ignoring everything else, while off-work Taemin is a much sweeter person. The problem is understanding which one of them you’re dealing with. 
He might have a bad management of his money. Either he’s too generous or too stingy. It’s possible it depends on the person.
He might be the type of person who is generous because he expects something back.
He might be too obsessed by his status, like he really wants to look good and to keep his reputation.
He might be prone to isolate himself too much or he has a bad work-life balance that brings him to not give enough quality time to his loved ones.
It's possible he's also not so good at taking care of himself and his surroundings.
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owemnstudies · 5 months ago
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Week 2 - 🪼d/56 🌻d/105
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hello 🩷 i hope you're having a great day. Please remember to take care of yourself ! 🌹
so I'm worse than last week 😭 i had and have been having a crisis (or I'm just depressed, i don't know, I'm undiagnosed) for the whole week, i think i just keep getting worse and worse every week of this year to be honest
i don't know if im the only one who has this problem, that i can't bear to be seen studying/waking up early/showering by any family member or else i get embarassed and it's pointed at, it's like i feel they're correct something about what I'm studying or just comment that I'm studying at all 😩
i haven't written on my journal, which i probably should do, but this week, i truly felt how I'm slowly disconnecting from people and just craving (attention?) to interact without feeling anxious. i have been slowly accepting the fact that i just lost an online friendship of 6 years, and even if i keep sending heart emojis with encouraging words it's been just so long since we've talked (like 5 months actually), and i guess it's time to give up. i know people are busy, so i think i shouldn't ask for much? (and i ramble too much)
also, i wrote about the app Todomate last week, it's such a good app and i got attached to people (literally 1 person) liking my completed tasks with cute emojis, until that one person decided to leave the app for a while, it's just so silly that i got used to and it actually helped me do a lot, and that just made me feel incredibly alone (am i being fr) and that contributed to my crisis, i think
i really hope to start feeling better or at least good enough to study for 🪼🌻, and btw they represent two uni entrance exams! (I'm planning to do a 100 days of productivity. if i don't get into one, I'm literally going to die). I'm so behind in the preparation course, actually. wish me luck? thank you so much for reading! 🩷
i did vent a little
mon: 0 💀
tue: 24 minutes
wed: 0 💀
thu: 2 h 14 m
friday: ?
🎧 — two-way mirror, loathe
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valentijnsstuff · 25 days ago
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Not one week goes by without the challenges of life ✨
Monday I am pooped because of the week before. I do some socials posting, some wood work and some video editg. Walk all the way to the village center trough the rain for groceries, but its all worth it, because a shy twink tells me 'nice clothes!' when I am on my way back. I make a whole oven tray of chicken rice to last me a few days.
Tuesday I try taking it easy, because I know have a date that night. My dad comes by later in the afternoon, I proudly offer him the chicken rice I made, we have a meal together. Before he leaves, he reads the porn comic I made (embarrassing). As I prepare for my hookup date, I get excited/nervous. I drive there by car, and think to myself 'ofcourse the first time in month that I allow myself to drive my car, is to get laid.' Once there, I try my best to come of as casual and not too eager, but after an hour of talk and a glass of wine, my date tells me 'I dont mind talking, but I'd much rather be making out right now' and everything is pretty smooth sailing from there. The sex is long, good, fullfilling and all around a great time. Lots of cuddling and touching.
Wednesday I'm woken up at 9 in my hookups bed, feeling really good, despite not having the most consistent sleep. They bring me tea, there is cuddling, I leave around 10. Its early and I feel refreshed, the day feels full of possibilities. I stop by the hardware store on my way home and do a whole bunch of home improvement stuff to my bedroom throughout the day. Chat with people online and remenise to myself about how great the sex was. Fall into the best sleep I've had in months, without any sleeping meds.
I start my thursday slow but spend it very productively. I am somewhat choice paralyzed what to do with the day, but I go the office, do some work, then go on a very extensive grocery run succesfully, visit three shops in total!!! Make bimbimbap for my home care homies, because I want to take care of them a bit too. The bimbimbap is labour intensive as hell, but their gratitude makes it worth it. Me and homie draw for a bit, watch mid anime and I go home. Someone I know trough grindr asks me if I can cook for them sometimes. Take some really good nudes to send out before bed.
Friday I wake up anxious from noises at 8:30, go back to sleep and wake up just as anxious at 12:30, right before my online therapy session. Friend comes over and we spend all afternoon discussing work/personal stuff. They accidently uncover some of my deep trauma regarding money. I get to hear about the plastic surgery they had done. Bonding moments. Grindr foodie ask whats for dinner but I tell them they can come eat soup tommorow. I chat with one of the poly girls and somehow it ends up being very horny, nudes and flirts are exchanged, very happy about it.
Saturday I get up late, with a bit too much anxiety in my chest, because the upstairs noise wakes me up multiple times. I try to hype up my energy anyway, send a lewd to the girlies. Succesfully drive two cities over, to see an expo of a friend. Get overwhelmed immediately by the artist who co-hosts said expo, but because I want to talk to my friend, I dont know what else to do but stay for a while. I take myself for a walk through the city, enjoy the sun and the busstle, visit some shops. I start noticing that I am very tired, and that even if my feet can take me somewhere, it doesn't mean my heart wants to be there. Yet I persist and walk all the way to bookstore to get myself something nice. Get a text from the foodie if I'm still making soup. I sortoff rush myself home and take a rushed nap before the the show up. I make them soup, we share weird trauma regarding asian cultures+queerness and our experiences with Grindr. Ultimately, this person just really wants to play boardgames. I have a pretty okay time, but it feels like I'm just kinda entertaining them. I had hope that keeping eachother company was gonna be more meaningful somehow, or at least more physical, but its just kinda tiring instead. Absolutely crash and feel like shit from pushing myself too hard. Get really in my head about not having a job. Some of the old pain is back, so I take half a Quetiapine and sleep in the livingroom, so I am not woken up by my neighbour in the morning.
Sunday I wake up feeling hungover and miserable. I try my best to aknowledge the miserable and let it be, sit with it, but I am also desperate to find distraction. I have to turn down the offer of my bestie to go outside together, because I can feel my body reacting in realtime to me putting extra activities on the to-do list. Bake lemon squares unsuccesfully while watching House. Take them to the polycule potluck, where I get to be an annoying twink and platonically cuddle people. A lot of flirts are thrown around willy nilly. Good times.
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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 1 year ago
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This gets long. It continues my obsession with old Edinburgh Fringe Festival videos. It is of interest to no one in the world besides me.
Okay, the situation is: I’ve just gotten back from a wonderful week-long vacation by the ocean, I am now home where there is no ocean, I’m starting a new job tomorrow, I’m very anxious about it (I did just start another new job a couple of months ago, but I was so desperate for a job at the time that I’d applied for everything and took the first thing I was offered, then something I wanted more came back and offered me something so I took that instead, now I start that other thing tomorrow, I would feel bad for leaving my old job so soon except that they were doing a lot of illegal shit that I cannot get into in one Tumblr post but just trust me that they broke far too many labour laws to deserve my loyalty, this is getting off topic). I just spent some time very carefully going through the Cowgate video to find a screenshot that could be my new cover image, I ended up going with this:
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That was taken from this video, of an event that I refer to as Cowgate, due to it being a cow-related scandal that also took place near the Edinburgh neighbourhood of Cowgate:
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I had to go through that video to find the screenshot, and this reminded me of how many questions I have about it, so I have decided to distract myself from new job anxiety by writing a post that lists just a few of my top 200 questions about that fucking video. Let’s go through it, shall we? It’s been a while since I’ve done a post that self-indulgently goes into great detail about that video that no one in the world want to think about nearly as much as I do. Not that I’ve never done that before. But it’s been a while, and that'll be a good distraction.
Essential, all-encompassing question: Where did they get the cow?
There are several possible classes of answer here, all of which inspire different follow-ups. As far as I can see, there are two overall possibilities: the cow was there when they arrived and they did not plan it, or they specifically procured a cow for this purpose. I think it’s more likely to be the former, because at the beginning of this video (a video that I put together myself, by the way, cutting out things from two different videos that I got on YouTube, because somehow this was captured twice and uploaded to YouTube by two totally separate accounts, and I combined them), you see Daniel Kitson sitting on the cow at what seems to be the beginning of the night, and he seems to be figuring out what it is along with the audience.
If it’s the former: How did it get there? Who put it there? Why did they put it there? Where did they get it? How did they feel about it being destroyed?
Did the Chocolate Milk Gang know it would be there before they arrived? If so, did they plan its destruction in advance? If the answer to one or both those questions is no, when and how did the plan formulate? How did they work out that they were allowed to do it? Presumably you can’t just destroy shit that’s on stage without consulting someone. Did they consult someone while the show was happening? Does that explain why the weapons they used all look like things they might have found backstage at the last minute? Why someone walks in during the scene and hands John Oliver a metal pipe like one out of the game Clue/Cluedo? That would make more sense if they had not prepared this beforehand.
Here's one theory of mine on that’s subject: I think the plan was formulated sometime after the first clip in this video, when the audience was shouting challenges at Kitson for things he should do with the cow (ride it, touch it, jump off it), and he told them their challenges were too easy. I think that after the camera stopped filming, the audience started issuing more difficult challenges, and one of those challenges was to rip it in half.
Another question if that’s the case: How were they initially planning to end that night? What got bumped for last-minute cow destruction?
But all my theories could be wrong. They all have the issue that I’m not sure you can get permission to destroy a large installation once a show has already started. So maybe it was the latter of those initial options, and they did plan it beforehand. Which brings up lots of other questions, such as: Why? Who thought of it? Why? What were the plans leading up to it? I still want to know where they got the cow, and how they got permission to bring it to the Gilded Balloon and destroy it on stage.
All of that can be summarized in two main questions: “Where did the cow come from?” and “How did the plan to destroy the cow come about?” But there’s another main, overarching question, which is: “What the fuck was the plan? What were they actually doing?”
I mean, clearly they were trying to destroy the cow. But why? What were the parametres of the challenge? Adam Hills says they have “three chances”, and they’ll either succeed or “bottle it”. Does that mean they tried two other times earlier in the night to destroy the cow, and only succeeded on this third attempt? That’s pretty good, if so, because this is clearly the end of the night (you see Kitson come out afterward to introduce the band, signifying that comedy is over). So it’s some good narrative planning if they managed to space out two failed attempts and then got it right at the end.
That might explain why Kitson got involved. At first he’s hanging back, just doing hype with Adam Hills. At some point, it looks to me like he figures out they’ll be here all night if he leaves them to it. He starts giving specific advice – Adam Hills is yelling Eminem songs at them, and Daniel Kitson starts saying helpful things like “combine the chisel at the hammer”. It’s shortly after that that he, as far as I can tell, decides they won’t manage this without him, even though he’s tried to tell them how to do it, so he jumps in there and helps. That would make even more sense if they'd tried this twice before and it hadn't worked, they'd agreed on some sort of challenge (with the audience, maybe) in which they had to do it in three tries, also it was the end of the night and the last night of the Festival and they wanted to get it fucking done.
I might be wrong, it's difficult to tell, but I think Daniel Kitson was right to think they needed him, because he's the one who actually ended up breaking it. I've tried to figure this out before, mainly because I've decided I desperately want a Taskmaster one-off live task someday in which they wheel the Taskmaster cow on stage in the studio in front of these five people and tell them that the first person to break it in half wins. So even though it was a collective effort, I want to know who actually would win if this were a Taskmaster task. And I think it may have been Kitson. You can see him kick it pretty hard, then hit it once with his hammer, and then it immediately comes apart and he throws his hands in the air in celebration:
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It might have been too much of a joint effort to give the points to any one person, though. John using leverage definitely helped.
The other option for what “three chances” means is it was only meant to be three people trying to destroy the cow: David O’Doherty, Demetri Martin, and John Oliver. That would mean they didn’t really succeed in their challenge, since Daniel Kitson ended up helping. But I don’t know if it really makes sense – do three people working together and concurrently count as three separate chances?
Look, let’s go through the lyrics to really understand everything going on here. From Mr. Adam Hills:
If you had three chances... Would you take 'em? Or would you quite literally bottle it?
I've covered the "three chances" thing already; I don't quite know what he means by that. But I'm also not sure what he means by "bottle it". I know that's slang for fucking things up, but why would they literally bottle it? The use of the words "quite literally" imply that an actual bottle is somehow involved in this. I have no idea how.
His palms are sweaty, his hair is sweaty, He's ready to shoot spaghetti
This is a sort of parody ("parody" might be a word that gives it more credit than it deserves) of Lose Yourself by Eminem, obviously, since that's the beat that's playing in the background. I point this out only because it comes back later, when he starts singing a different Eminem song, having apparently forgotten which one he was supposed to be doing.
He's got a cow on stage It's got red horns, it's all the rage
I find those lyrics worth mentioning because here's another video from earlier in that same night (one that I also put together by combing clips from two separate YouTube videos):
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Adam Hills is freestyle rapping there, but he got the idea of rhyming "stage" with "all the rage" from David O'Doherty, who had used the same rhyme in his own on-the-spot rapping earlier in that same Late 'n' Live show.
It's cow tipping, it's not quite shitty Get that cow down in this city Take it up the Royal Mile, attack it with a hammer
The Royal Mile is a stretch of road in Edinburgh that I think is meant to be a central hub of people and bars and whatever wild things happen during that festival. In the YouTube comments of one of those videos (the original one, that I cut up to make the one linked in this post), someone said they did, in fact, carry the broken cow up the Royal Mile after they'd crowd surfed it out of the building. So apparently enough planning had gone into it beforehand so that they knew, at this point, that that's what they wanted to do. Maybe that was part of the challenge? They had to break the cow in half and then carry it up the Royal Mile?
At this point I will skip a few lines, because even I cannot bring myself to type out every word that Adam Hills said around the line "fuck the udder", but I do find it very funny to watch Adam Hills getting really into his role as hype man, while Daniel Kitson watches beside him, tries to look like he's also playing the hype man because that's what he's supposed to do, but he knows he needs to also be actually paying attention to how the whole thing's going and making sure to keep it on track. He's trying to look as though he's fully thrown himself into it and isn't putting any effort into controlling the gig, whereas Adam, I think, has genuinely thrown himself too far into it to keep anything on track. Does that say something about their different styles of comedy and/or compering? Possibly. Adam Hills definitely grew into a host who could keep a live show on track (and has done it on many Fridays for many years), but it never seems as natural for him as it does for Kitson to have one eye on appearing to be fully caught up in stuff, and one eye on keeping tight control over the situation.
Anyway, the result is Adam yelling increasingly nonsensical shit around the words "fuck the udder", and then Kitson puts one hand over his mouth and one in the air in an exaggerated parody of a hype man, but what he actually says is:
Davey, Davey, what you need to do is combine the chisel and the hammer
Not hype. Genuine advice designed to get this done so they can win the challenge and get out of here. I find it quite funny how David O'Doherty was diligently focused on the cow for the whole time, until Kitson yelled that at him, when he suddenly stopped and looked up like "Oh... right, yes, I'll get right on that."
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I also enjoy the way John Oliver looked up at him too while he was yelling this helpful advice, like, yep, that's the guy I'm on the same page with, the one who will do the rapping but only with full awareness that it's all bullshit and we just need to accomplish the task and go get milkshakes:
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There’s Martin, Demetri Martin The Perrier win has left me smartin’
That is a reference to something that would have just happened, as this is the last night of the Fringe Festival and I assume they do awards at the end. Adam Hills had, in fact, been nominated for the Perrier Award that year, but Demetri Martin had beaten him. He had also been nominated the previous year, and lost to Daniel Kitson. And he'd been nominated the year before that, and lost to Garth Marenghi (Matthew Holness and Richard Ayoade). After 2003, he was no longer eligible for the award, putting him in the James Acaster class of people who were nominated several times but never won (not as many times as Acaster, but still).
John Oliver, he’s the man If that pipe won’t do it nothing can
You could make a lot of money if you put that on t-shirts and sold them. People won't even need to know the context.
David O-ha-doch-her-ty He comes from Ireland, the land of the green Daniel Kitson, he’s got a hammer He’s also got one motherfucking stammer
I mean, the way he added several extra syllables to DO'D's name so it'll scan for a song is still far from the least accurate pronunciation of that name that I've heard. What I like about this part is how absolutely no one reacts. They are all so engrossed in their cow destroying task, no one even looks up at Adam. DO'D doesn't want to engage with whether Ireland should be reduced to "the land of the green". Kitson does not retort about his stutter. Martin won't be drawn into competitiveness about the Perrier Award. They all have a very important job to do and will not be distracted.
It's time break this cow down It’s time to break this cow down It’s not time to chow down It’s time to break this cow down
Is anyone else beginning to suspect that Adam Hills may not have been 100% sober during the recording of this video? Though it is worth noting that the Chocolate Milk Gang got their name because they drank milkshakes instead of alcohol after late-night Edinburgh shows. Stewart Lee called it "a cult of abstinence built around Daniel Kitson" - which probably says more about Stewart Lee than anything else, if he thinks not getting drunk every night is a cult, but still. I think that means that the Chocolate Milk Gang members in this video (Kitson, Oliver, O'Doherty, Martin) all were sober they whole time they were taking apart the cow.
Late 'n' Live, Late 'n' Live, it's the very last night It's time to wrap this show up tight Send out the front, send out... Break the cow, break it in half Lead it out the front to the path
Another reference to bringing it out the door. So that must have been part of the challenge from the beginning, not something the audience spontaneously did. Break it in half, crowd surf it out, take it up the Royal Mile. But why?
Karen Koren, she's outside She's got petrol dripping down her eyes There was a fire at the Gilded Balloon The police found no one else was to blame If this season doesn't go well This fucking venue's going up in flames
Okay, it took me a while to work out the meaning of this part, but I know it now. Karen Koren was (and still is) the owner of the Gilded Balloon venue, which hosted (and still hosts) Late 'n' Live, a show that runs late into the night during multiple nights (most nights or maybe even all of them, I get the impression, at least back then, but I'm not entirely sure of that) of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Late 'n' Live has one person hosting all night, bringing on different comedians who do different stuff throughout the night, the lineup changes depending on availability and other stuff. Then when they're done (around 3 AM, I think, at least back then), they bring out a band to play and it becomes a dance floor. Daniel Kitson hosted it for several years in the late 90s/early 00s, and that's what was happening here, in 2003. It was, as Adam Hills said earlier, the "very last night" of the 2003 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and this was that night's Late 'n' Live show, hosted by Kitson with all these other comedians around throughout the night. That's all useful context.
In late 2002, there was a fire in Cowgate, which is the neighbourhood in Edinburgh where the original Gilded Ballon was. The Gilded Balloon burned down, and was rebuilt nearby. So this event, less than a year later, is taking place in the rebuilt version.
So here's what Adam Hills was saying (jokingly, it's worth clarifying) with that verse: Karen Koren, owner of this building, is currently outside with petrol. If this year's shows at the Gilded Balloon don't go well enough to make as much money as she wants, she'll burn the building down (I guess for the insurance money or something, to make up for insufficient revenue). He's implying that that's how the previous year's fire happened, the police incorrectly found no one to blame, and she'll do it again if they don't make her happy.
The cow's in half, the cow's in half Let's hear it for the cow in half! My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I Get out of bed at all The morning sun goes up my window, and I can't see at all Even if I could it'll all be grey But your picture on the wall Reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad...
All those lines after "Let's hear it for the cow in half" are from the Eminem song Stan, which is a different song from Lose Yourself, the one he was doing at the beginning. It is funny that Adam Hills forgot what Eminem song he was singing and started doing the wrong one. But it's not shocking. Because here's a clip from 4 at the Fringe, a BBC Radio 4 show that was recorded at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival - this episode was recorded at the Fringe in 2003, with Adam Hills compering, and here is doing some of his material between a couple of the acts:
At the Fringe Festival in 2003, Adam Hills had a bit in which he sang some of the Eminem song Stan. I assume all the bits he did during his compering were taken from his larger set that year, which means he'd have been doing that nearly every night for a month, every time he performed. So it was in his head. When he was, I'm going to guess, drunk, and he was on stage and hearing Eminem, he just automatically started singing Stan because he'd been doing it all month.
Crowd surf the cow, people.
Once the cow is broken in half and being crowd surfed out of there, Daniel Kitson high fives Demetri Martin and David O'Doherty, turns around to high five John Oliver, then hugs Adam Hills, like a sports team that's just won a big game. Great work everyone, real strong teamwork out there, couldn't have done it without you all, okay, hit the showers.
It is, and this is only the slightest of exaggerations, the cutest shit I've ever seen.
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This video is going to haunt me for the rest of my fucking life. It's keeping me awake at night. If I could ask any of those comedians one question, my brain would pass by all the interesting intellectual things I want to know about some of my favourite creators of valuable works of artistic merit in the world, would give up the chance to learn anything about any of that, just to ask, "Where did you get the fucking cow?"
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