#and I include myself in that! Through that whole scene I was going WOW this feels like such a hard choice

[gynecologistmsfrizzle]

“it’s so sad you can’t save karlach” you absolutely CAN save karlach and i have a paper to write about why nobody thinks you can

[kokoa-la]

Paper Clips Make Good Lock Picks- part two

Part 1

"Still going to ignore me?"

...

"Okay okay you got me. Let's get out of here first. We have an hour and a half before another teacher comes in and watches us for the last 15 minutes."

"What's your name?"

Oh, Danny forgot to introduce himself huh? 

"Danny."

"No last name?" 

"You haven't made it far on the friends list"

"Wow friends already? We just met"

"You're breaking out of detention with me. You picked a lock for me, that's called being friends."

"Do you make all your friends by committing crimes together?"

"Only the best ones"

Danny smiled before walking out and checking the hallway side to side. All clear. 

He waved Tim over and out of the classroom. 

"You know this whole hallway is under watch right? There's cameras here." 

"They don't work."

"What?" 

Danny laughed a little before signaling Tim to follow after him against the wall. 

"You didn't know? After school hours certain cameras shut down. In fact, a lot of them are broken and they never paid to get them repaired. That's why they accept bribes. They lie about having proof of crimes, works every time."

"What are you talking about?"

Danny groaned. Of course Tim didn't know about this, he was one of the rich kids they'd exploit. Danny as well as the other kids who were here off of scholarships or special deals knew about the tactic and had ways to avoid it, but rich kids like Tim didn't need to avoid it. The halfa cursed at the unfairness of life. 

"Of course you don't know. The teachers here scam the rich kids. They accuse them of crimes they didn't commit and because their parents never care for proof, only reputation, they bribe them right away without even asking for the evidence. It's happened so many times and it's why when actual problems happen it's swept up under the rug."

"Are you serious?"

"Uh yeah dude. Usually kids like me try their best to avoid it. Meaning don't fight back, don't stay after school, don't go to the bathroom for anything other than an emergency, and don't talk back to any teachers at all. Those are the basics when you're not as rich as everyone else."

"So that's why you're so adamant on being framed, but couldn't you just ask them for proof it was you?"

"Not that easy. I don't have a guardian, I'm a 'charity case' as they say it."

He practically spit out that last part. Utter disgust in his tone. 

"No parents, no money, no dice. If I don't find proof myself and publicize it or threaten em with it, I'm stuck for a year. I have things to do you know"

"Like blowing up chemistry labs?"

Tim teased. Danny gave him a look over his shoulder and rolled his eyes.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. You're so funny Tim! I wonder if Andys laughing in the hospital."

"He deserved it."

"And I'm innocent."

The two just stared at each other before Danny laughed and turned back around, continuing his walk. Tim chalked up the whole conversation as something to investigate later at home. His new "friend" was turning out to be a lot more interesting than he let on. 

"So this is you searching for clues? Have you gotten anything since you started"

"Well as I was saying earlier all the cameras in the hallway leading to the lab don't work at certain times, and the ones that were IN the lab are completely unsalvageable. And at the time of the explosion the usual delinquent students - Anderson included - were out of class."

"So they're the prime suspect, no chance of it being anyone else?" 

"Not many motives. If someone was using it for an outside project they didn't have permission, and other than that it's just the love of destroying and messing around."

Danny had led them through the school, taking twists and turns Tim couldn't recognize, eventually they had stopped at a roadblock. The hallway ended where a giant white tarp lay hanging from the ceiling. Caution tape was draped from each side to the other. 

"Where are we?" 

"The scene of the crime." 

Danny smiled before walking towards the plastic covering and picking it up from the ground and waving Tim over. Tim sighed before looking around and following after him, shaking his head on the way over. 

"Don't act all disappointed in me, you're literally following me"

"I may have just met you today but I'm convinced that it I left you alone you'd somehow either die or blow something up"

Oh how Tim didn't know the truth to that statement. Danny gasped and placed his hand over his chest all dramatically, taking false offense. 

"I'll have you know death cannot take me! It has tried and failed. Plus, we've been over this, I'm innocent!"

Tim didn't even want to unpack the first part of that. Logically it could be an exaggeration, but something about it felt a little too real to his senses. 

"Whatever, you felon."

"Delinquent."

"Fair, now let's get going" 

The roles had reversed as Tim took the lead instead. Danny let him despite having been here multiple times over the last few weeks. Maybe Tim would see something he couldn't. 

“So what are you hoping to find?”

“Proof of my innocence, or proof of their crimes.”

“Isn’t finding their crimes easier? Considering a lot of people already know about it.”

“Well yeah, but that’d turn back on me.”

“How so?”

God, Danny wanted to punch him. 

“Because they’d flip it on me and say how did I get the information? They’d accuse me of stealing and breaking and entering. They’d say that a delinquent child like me who hasn’t got good influences in my life would resort to just about anything to get out of punishment-”

“That’s a bit specific, don't cha think?”

“Well I’ve had similar things happen to me before”

Creepy boy with creepy powers rang in his head, he ignored it. 

“Anyways, how am I even going to get that stuff? The principal's office has all of that information and the cameras there are fully functioning and top quality. Plus, how am I supposed to get into their computer? I don’t know the password and I can’t hack shit for the life of me. Programming I can do, but that? Whole new haunt.” 

“Haunt- you know what? I’m not going to question that.”

“Good. We’re running out of time anyways. Choosing all the hallways that don’t have cameras or ones that work took a while. We need to wrap this up in 20 and then go back the way we came.”

Tim nodded and walked a bit faster towards what used to be the chem lab. There was more plastic screening in the way, but it was easily bypassed by the two. 

“There’s no one here.”

“They only do construction on this place during school hours two times a week.”

“Why? That’ll take forever.”

“Exactly.”

Tim’s questions were getting to Danny at this point. While the halfa acted all knowing in the beginning, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s actually clueless beyond what he discovered on his own. He doesn’t know why they’re prolonging the construction, it’s probably another scheme of theirs- or if they’re lucky, an extensive cover up. Danny, in all honesty, just wants to be able to go home to his little trash heap of a living space in Crime Alley and sleep. 

Tim moved forward, being way too careful. Danny knew he was oddly silent, but he could still hear the other, so he didn't question it. Superhuman hearing for the win! 

“Why is the construction flowing this way? The back of the room is close to being done, but the front is still in complete disarray. They shouldn’t be doing parts of the room, but the whole room in steps.”

Yeah, Danny couldn’t answer that one. At this point, he was just assuming that Tim had to verbalize his questions when answering them himself. He didn’t reply, and with the way the other didn’t ask again or even look at him, Danny was right. He was content to just let his detention mate do his thing, lord knows Tim’s smarter than Danny anyways.

Tim stepped forward cautiously. The ground was still slightly unsteady considering only like 15% of the room had the floors replaced. Now that Danny thought about it, that was weird. He may be clueless about anything other than ghosts and space, but even he knew that foundations were placed first. This is a dangerous and even unsafe way to do construction. Why repair one part of the room first and then bleed out? Was something hidden in that area? Plus, there was still debris from the explosion- 

“What do you think they’re hiding?”

“We’re about to find out.”

Wow, Tim was really invested now. Danny would have just gone back by now and visited tomorrow, but Tim is full on interested. 

All that was left to do was follow the rich kid further in the room. 

“Careful some of the paint is wet.”

Danny didn’t even want to ask how the other knew that from this distance. Danny could tell, but again, super human senses, Tim? Fully human. It didn’t really matter that much though, so he just followed him further and stepped around certain tiles. 

Tim started inspecting just about everything. Nothing was safe. Every piece of wood, every corner, every point in which two colors met- the guy even pulled out a leveler. Where did he get that? You know what? Didn’t matter. Danny was giving his best in minding his business. If it got him set free? He’d ask zero questions- consider his curiosity swallowed. 

“Tim, we have to go. We’re almost out of time.”

“Is it just me or is this cement not level, and doesn’t the drywall seem incorrect to you?”

Tim finally turned back to Danny, breaking out of his investigator mode. The halfa sighed before stepping over to where his new friend was, taking a closer look at what Tim was pointing out. He was right. The cement was uneven against the wall. It was strange considering Chemistry labs required tile flooring. The tiles wouldn’t go well if it wasn’t steady. Plus, the walls were supposed to be in levels: cement, then insulation, then final layer (could be anything really). The drywall set up wasn’t screwed in correctly, and Danny was pretty sure he could see the insulation in some parts. Considering special tiles or substances had to be used over the drywall to make the chemistry lab safe and usable, it wasn’t a good base. 

Okay, Danny will admit, maybe he did do a little bit of research into chemistry labs. It was a rabbit hole he couldn’t escape when listening to Mr.Lanch drag on and on about the 5 page essay due in a month. He was bored, sue him. He was used to being attacked by ghosts everyday, this place was tame. Sure, it was exhausting, but it was still interesting. 

“This isn’t right. The concrete has cracks in it.”

“So?”

“The school is supposed to use epoxy for the flooring, but for that to work the cement underneath it has to be perfect. This is far from that.”

“But they’re doing tiles, not resin.”

Tim gave Danny a look, and it honestly made him feel poor. Epoxy flooring was expensive- like really expensive- Danny has never seen it before that’s for sure. 

“Danny, the school has enough funding to make 20 of these labs with the highest grade. Tuition alone is insane amounts, even for the rich. The facilities the place offers should be of the highest quality. Even if the floors have to get replaced every few years, it states on the website that it’s supposed to be epoxy.”

Tim took what seemed to be a thousand photos of the area, getting every little detail. 

“Hmm, sounds like they’re cutting corners to cut costs. Leave it to the corrupt.”

“Alright, I got what we needed, let's head back.”

“Thank the Ancients. We’re gonna need to hurry, you know. We took too much time.”

Danny was quick to retrace the steps he took entering, ensuring no more tracks were left. Tim followed suit, and soon enough they were back into the maze of Hallways. This time with Tim leading the way. How the other knew it already when he’d only been through it once was beyond Danny, but again, he wasn’t gonna question it. 

Questioning others gave them a way to ask you questions in return, and Danny wasn’t too keen on answering anything personal.

.

.

.

“Made it!” 

Danny laughed as he slumped in the first seat, dead tired from the way they ran after seeing the clock. They were 10 minutes away when the clock showed they had 5 minutes until a check in. To say they ran would be an understatement. The way the two of them jumped down those stairs would surely raise many questions if Danny was keen to ask, but hey, maybe Tim was one of those ‘do every hobby known to mankind’ rich kids. 

Well his new friend was fit, at the least. Tim hadn’t even broken a sweat, only slightly breathing a little heavier. Danny wished. As a ghost he didn’t have such things as stamina, there was no out of breath when you don’t breathe. As a human, however, he was stuck with meager capabilities he gathered up from running away from bullies and fighting off ghosts with watchful eyes. Seriously, he needed to do whatever Tim was doing (just cheaper). 

Funnily enough, the second Tim sat down a seat away from him, Mr.Lanch entered the room. 

“I see you two have moved. I hope you didn’t cause any disturbances.”

He said while looking directly at Danny. Danny was sure to keep a tight smile on his face, hiding his clenched fist under the desk next to his thigh. 

“No way, sir. I just needed some help on that essay we have. You know I’m a little-”

“Behind, yes, I’m aware. Don’t distract Mr.Drake, he has well enough to do on his own. Am I clear?”

“Yes, yes. Sorry, won’t happen again.”

“Now apologize to Mr.Wayne for bothering him.”

“He wasn’t a bother.”

Tim interrupted, and Danny swore Tim looked annoyed. How come?

“Excuse me?”

“Danny wasn’t bothering me, Mr.Lanch, I was happy to help.”

There was an attitude in his tone, a bit of sharpness that Danny could pick up. He couldn’t for the life of him understand why.

“Yes, well, an esteemed individual such as yourself mustn't get too involved with the likes of him.”

Was this guy for real? Not even bothering to hide the blatant discrimination. Danny refrained from rolling his eyes, his fist clenching ever so tighter, making indents in his skin. 

“What may that mean, Mr.Lanch.”

“Mr.Drake, I’m sure you are well aware that people like… him are not the best influence on those such as yourself.”

Danny could feel the rage bubbling under Tim’s skin- being a sort of empath had its perks. 

“People like him? I am unaware as to what exactly you mean by that.”

Yeah, this was going to continue escalating. Danny cleared his throat, making both of them look over at him.

“I’m sorry Tim for bothering you earlier. It won’t happen again, don’t worry.”

“That’s better like it, now, I will return when time is up. Good day.”

And with that, Mr.Lanch left the room, making Danny sigh in relief. He sunk into his seat and rubbed his fingers over the crescents in his palm. 

“Why did you do that?”

“What?”

Tim gave him an annoyed look.

“Apologize.”

“It’s not that important, Tim. It’s easier on me if I just do what he asks. As long as I don’t get punished too badly it’s fine.”

“Didn’t we just return from trying to prove your innocence?”

“That was different from this. A year of detention and being banned from any labs for the rest of highschool is way too drastic to just take it. I have a thing called a job, Tim, I can’t be here when I could be working. Not all of us have people making food for them anytime they want.”

This was ridiculous. Seriously, Danny may care about justice and all that jazz, but he made a promise to- well- Jazz that he’d finish highschool and do it right. He couldn’t start problems when he already barely got in from this alone. Tim would be fine anywhere he went, Danny wouldn’t, and that’s just the truth. He couldn’t punch his way out of this one, and he accepted that the first month in. It really was Casper high part two, but instead of the treatment being because he was the weird kid, it was because he was the poor orphan. Not much better, now, was it.

Tim finally shut his mouth. Danny allowed himself to roll his eyes before putting his head down on the desk. 10 minutes until freedom. 

Day one was finally over. 

_______________________

Imma be real honest I actually hated part 2 which is why I never posted it, but i've been convinced bcs someone asked for the link to it so i avoided tumblr for a week because i thought itd be mean to show activity and ignore them- so i went back edited it and now theres a part 3 and im worried this will become a short story

anyways enjoy!

Koa out <3

[omentranslates]

Owari no Seraph volume 32 author's afterword english fan translation

Howdy, the long awaited afterword is here. I say as if my volume didn't arrive literally 2 hrs ago. Anyways, thanks for working with me.

Also I included the volume comments this time XP and I translated the back promotional page too just bc I haven't seen anyone else post it yet?? But I don't pay super close attention to the teasers usually so don't come for me if it's just the same text as the last few.

"Afterword

Wow, this is it, the climax! Writing it gets as lonely as it is fun, and it's as fun as it gets lonely, among other things! To everyone who's followed along this long, I'm truly grateful.

From here on out, I'm going to have a new editor. Owari no Seraph has thus far been blessed with nothing but the best and brightest in editors, all full of motivation. From Hosono-san (the sharpest blade in Shueisha) to Kosuge-san (the industry's top Nice Guy) to Kasai-san (who played it straight but turned out to be a total weirdo). And now, exploding onto the scene to take the baton from those three absolute characters, and his name issssss.......Okuyama-saaaaaannnn!!!!!

Now, this new guy in charge is truly amazing, he's got enough motivation to take me aback! He goes, "Kagami-san! We could have the whole world!! Nono, the whole universe!!! From now on just leave it all to meeeeee!!!! There's no doubt we'll do great things together, so just leave it all to me okayyyyyy!!!!" He's been yelling like that since we first met. He brought so much of that heat to the venue we were going to have our first meeting over dinner at and we ended up getting chased out and banned from coming back! It ended up being a whole incident, we really started off with a bang.....is what I'd like to put here, but I'm actually working on this afterword before that aforementioned meeting so I decided to just write my heart. The truth is that we actually haven't met yet! (Say what?)

Everyone, look forward to the next volume, where I tell you all how our introductions went! The one I'm writing now will actually probably pass through my new editor Okuyama-san's hands before we do meet, so I'm kinda scared about how that's gonna go, I'm like shaking (lol). But I'll definitely have a story to tell for next afterword! So on that note, I hope to see you all here again next volume, for those who just wanted to be done reading before it gets deep, I'll say goodbye to you here. I'll see you all next volume!!!!!

So, then, about myself recently. I put to rest some things that have been bothering me as a creator for sooo many years. Yayyyyy!! Wondering how I'm going to live and who I should become. As I'm facing up my works, and also my experiences as a person, as I'm experiencing the lives and deaths of those precious to me, what does it make of me? My characters grow up, am I working hard enough to keep up with them? I suddenly feel like I'm approaching my answers. And wow, what a ride it's been. What a ride being a creator is.

There was a time I was writing so many projects, but I've been rather spending my days studying since encountering those worrisome thoughts. But I've finished my studies and at long last arrived at just being thankful. It took a lot out of me to get here. And having Owari no Seraph publishing monthly, I think it was something that really managed to keep me as a creative grounded through it all. Writing is what I love most of all, I've been able to realize that it's who I am. For that, I am truly grateful to everyone. Yamamoto-san, Furuya-san, every one of my readers, to those in charge here and my editorial staff and everyone else who associates with me and every member of my family, I'm deeply thankful for the one of a kind, precious ties that bring us together in this world.

Which is all to say, I've returned to my extremely prolific writing habits, so I'll be glad if you all read what I've got to say!!!

Huh, I guess that wasn't too heavy afterall. Anyways, everyone, I'll see you next volume! Oh, and the finale of "Densetsu no Yuusha no Densetsu" is also happening after six long years. If any of you have ever read it, I hope you enjoy that too!

So then, see you in volume 33!!!!

Kagami Takaya"

Kagami Sensei's volume comment: "I'm writing so much! Back to the drafts!"

Yamamoto Sensei's volume comment: "We've reached volume 32. Yuuichirou and Mikaela, the Shinoa Squad, Ferid and Crowley, a lot of different stories have really taken off. I hope you're all excited!"

Promo page in the back (text only):

"On the move to make their own dreams come true...

All of these different stories speeding up towards the final battle!?"

The next volume is planned for October 2024

[inknopewetrust]

Fanfiction recommendations!

Below is just a small list of my recent favorite fanfics that I’ve read over the past few weeks. I encourage you all to check these wonderful authors out and take the time to show them some love.

I have so much more to read, catch up on, and publish myself, but if there is anyone who would like to promote their own works, let me know and I’ll add them to my list!

Poker // @aniqua // 18+ minors DNI

~ this whole series. wow. just wow. Aniqua has been writing on here for some time now and it’s an absolute honor to call her a mutual of mine. Poker is a fantastic series that melds dark themes with smut and captured the characters in such an interesting and unique light. I love the dynamics between Steven x Reader x Marc and how the strain of deep, intimate feelings can create ridges between people. Aniqua, you absolute QUEEN! There has never been a fic I’ve disliked, you knock it out of the park every time.

Sting // @laters-gators // 18+ minors DNI

~ maybe one of the best, if not the best, stand-alone marc spector x reader fics out there. I see so much praise for it and there is nothing more to say except: so so so well deserved. Sting is spicy, juicy (no pun intended), full of everything I freaking love about smutty fanfics and just so well written. Bravo Jas, you splendid peanut, bravo.

It's Worth It, It's Divine // @the-archxr // 18+ DNI

Holy. Shit. There are few fics that take my breath away (in a great, smutty way) and this is certainly one of them. This is not only brillantly written, but it's full of passion and you can really, really tell how much effort faith put into establishing a reader who has substance and a complicated connection to Marc through being an avatar herself. It may be highly niche in your perspective girl, but let me tell you, those of us who have indulged just. want. more! Marc Spector x Fem!Reader

The Truth is Rarely Kind // @starks-hero // View Warnings

This is a part 2 of Ali's other fic Smoke and Mirrors and I just love them both to bits. Angsty fics are my absolute favorites and the dynamic between Marc x Reader x Steven is great. I think there are a handful of people who write on here that have it down, the dynamic, and this fic is definitely one of them. It's so freaking good and heartbreaking and beautifully written. Well done, Ali.

They're Not the Only Ones // @maximoff-pan // Part I of III

~ Gia has written and absolutely perfect pining pic of Benny B and Reader being absolutely oblivious to their love for each other. I love the intentional involvement of moments from each season thus far, including a hypothetical scene between Pen and Colin where Reader and Benedict have the chance but miss it every time. The end is so cute and fluffy, which is often hard to write but this author does it flawlessly.

Forgive Me // @benedictscanvas // View Warnings

~ Ciara said this is her first Bridgerton fic and tbh, you'd never realize it. Holy smokes was this good! And by good I mean absolutely amazing, amazing, amazing! Friends to lovers is such an iconic trope and so tempting to read every single one but this fic, this fic has such wonderful qualities to it that makes it hard to 1. find a fic that compares and 2. not be sad when its over. READ THIS everyone who loves Benedict as much as I do. READ IT! (Benedict Bridgerton x Reader)

Nine // @foxilayde // 18+ DNI

This one… this is maybe my favorite fic of all? I know it seems superficial to say it but I just love the way this is written. It's long (which is perfect imo), smutty, romantic, filled with a billion human emotions that it's so nice to see in a reader and Poe. The reward of smut with all the world and relationship building is so unbelievably fantasic and it's incredibly witty which is so, so hard to write. There is nothing more to say other than 1. Danny, beautiful job and keep writing and 2. GO FREAKING READ IT! I cannot stress either of those two points enough. (Poe Dameron x Fem!Reader)

Starfish // @cinewhore // 18+ DNI

I read this months ago and go back and re-read it for fun. It's such a good little fic about a show that has a lot of potential and a small, but growing base. Also, I never found Jake Johnson attractive until I watched Minx and now… welp… here we are. Tish does a wonderful job weaving angst, fluff, and smut with a reader character that has her own motivations and wants, not simply a one-dimensional product of the position she finds herself it. I just love this fic so much and I will be re-reading it until the end of time. (Doug Renetti x Fem!Adult Reader)

Also, Sympathies of a Wife??? Bloody amazing. I truly hope there are more coming one day (I know how hard it is to write so no pressure) but it's literally amazing and deserves its own spot. (Nathan Bateman x Fem!Reader)

Masterlist of Oscar Characters // @writefightandflightclub // View Warnings For Each

This entire masterlist, actually, their entire collection of writings, are perfection. I adore them all! I have been a fan of that man's characters for a literal decade so reading fics on Nathan Bateman, Llewyn Davis, Abel Morales, and some of his more popular ones like Duke Leto and Santiago Garcia is the best feeling in the world–especially when they're so incredibly well done. There is not a fic on the masterlist that I dislike, rather, freaking love them all. Each are crafted with such exquisite writing and the variety in types is awesome. Luna I love them all. I re-read them all the time and to be a follower of your writing is an honor.

[litrouke-works]

January Postmortem

(I know this is a Goncharov blog now, but i ought to wrap up my IFComp entry, I guess. Here are some of my thoughts on the game.)

THE SHORT VERSION

I’m not very good at saying things directly; I prefer to dress them up in stories and let people make of the anecdotes what they will. So we’ll open this postmortem with one such story.

Once upon a time, many bad things happened to me. When I was telling my friend about one of them, she said, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” And me being me, I replied, “Do you mind using a different phrase? Maybe, I’m sorry you had to deal with that or I’m sorry you went through that or wow that sucks – any of those would be fine.”

I’m aware that I’m not the hero of anyone’s story. But even if I’m not the hero, at least let me be the protagonist of my life. Let me deal with things; let me endure things; let me go through them. Don’t let them happen to me as if I’m already stretched out decaying in the ground.

And that’s pretty much all there is to the game. Could’ve saved myself a lot of hours by writing that instead! So thanks for reading, and as a special reward, here’s my playlist for January. Once again, me being me, it’s a playlist of poetry, not music. 😊 Enjoy!

THE LONG VERSION

Before we get into the meat of it, a clarification: I’ll use January to refer to the work as a whole (which I will also call a story, a game, a thing, whatever) and January to refer to the protagonist.

Also warnings for spoilers and for very frank discussions of suicide, gore, bodily functions, vulgar language, etc.

So January’s story has been kicking around in my head for some time, maybe 3-5 years, but I couldn't find a good reason to share it with other people. It was just another apocalyptic story about some sad guy, a genre woefully oversaturated and out of vogue even five years ago. Some of the scenes survived from early drafts nearly verbatim (including the opening line, which has never changed), but most did not. For example, in the canonical version of the story (yes, my personal canon is different from my published canon), January finds a dog as well, who is a perfect delight. But Dog’s arrival botched the pacing of the story and sweetened the scenes too much, so she had to be cut.

Anyway, while I was nudging the idea of January’s story around in my mind, two things happened. First, I was working on a research project about how people cope with major life shifts, especially illness, via storytelling and the re-imagination of self through narrative [see: The Wounded Storyteller by Arthur Frank]. And second, the many aforementioned bad things happened to me. Between my own experiences and the narrative theories I was studying, I felt that I could do something meaningful with January’s story. I wanted to use interactive fiction to show the linkage between moments across time and between the internal and external self, in ways that linear prose can't.

As a result, I think of the story as functioning on three-ish levels.

Level One

First, there is the literal plot. As many reviewers noted, this is the least important of the three. Guy survives apocalypse; his brother and sister-in-law get infected; he feels mortally responsible for their deaths, but can’t quite bring himself to commit suicide; he spends the next year working through the guilt and grief; he adopts Cat along the way; eventually he returns to the other survivors and resolves to stay alive for now.

Happy to answer specific questions about the plot, if folks are curious! But I won’t bog us down with details here.

Level Two

Second, there is the meta plot. As mentioned above, January is a story about storytelling, or more precisely, it is a story about how autobiographical storytelling assists in reforming the concept of self after a major life rupture. Hence the epigraph of the game:

One of story's primary purposes is to lay claim to experience. Autobiographical storytelling can take personal experience back from silence, shame, fear, or oblivion. It says, "I cherish this" or "This haunts me."

It asserts the significance of events in one's life: "This happened to me." "I did this." "This is part of who I am." "This should not or will not disappear, and I act to preserve it by turning it to words and shaping them as story."

Initially this concept was going to be more, let’s say, heavy-handed. More explicit, with four+ versions of each scene involving revisions, removals, and additions of commentary from January as he gradually shook off the coma of grief and refashioned the telling of each scene to better suit his new sense of self.

For various reasons: no. This plan was not only logistically unsound, but also narratively questionable because January did not want to speak for most of the story; he certainly did not want to add cutesy notes to the detritus of his life. So I aimed to unfold the concept in a more natural way, with descriptions progressing from abstracted, painfully detailed and impersonal landscapes, to a more natural flow of action and commentary, to casual cussing and chattiness with the cat, and finally to first-person POV.

Not that it is an entirely linear progression. The narrative—the narrator—the author—all of us argue constantly and intertextually with each other about what should be kept in the story, about what “should not or will not disappear.” Indeed, there were many times that I continued to work on the game only because I promised myself that I'd delete it all when I was done, once I had properly excised this from myself.

I finally managed to counter that argument with, “Well, but what if someone else benefits from it?” I find comfort in consuming media about suicide when I feel that way, and there’s a separate essay here about normalizing and validating mental health struggles, but let’s table that one for now. But knowing how I appreciate that kind of media myself, it seemed petty, if not outright unkind, to refuse to share January.

That particular arguments comes through, for example, in the post-POV-shift train scene. January relates how he peeled the dying woman off the frozen train and wrapped her in a tarp "just in case" she changes her mind, as he did. The woman is, by all accounts, a half-corpse already and actively being devoured by an omen of death, but until you are sitting there feeling yourself die, you don’t know, I promise you, you don’t know whether you will change your mind. And far be it from him to decide for her—so here is the tarp, here is the story. Do with it what you will.

This concept also crystallizes in the final pre-POV-shift scene and the POV shift itself. As January falls ill with fever, he has a nightmarish remembrance from his childhood, opening with, “In the story he told himself about his life, death found him one night…” It’s one of the more inelegant phrases in the game, in the story he told himself about his life, but it’s exactly how it needed to be said. Every scene that has been presented to the reader is part of the story that January tells himself about his life. What you read was not his life. It was not even a factual attempt to recount his life; it is only the version(s) of the story that he chooses to tell himself.

This is critical, both to the reader and to January, and he tries to stress to us the fictionality of his account, many times, in many ways. He says that he cannot have slept for multiple days after the fever and the dream of drinking from the bowl of stars with Cat; he cannot have survived his initial suicide attempt in the parking lot; he should not have heard gunshots by the sisters’ house without glimpsing his pursuer or attracting zombies; he should have smelled the hanged man rotting; he should have noticed the presence of the little girl in the dogtrot house sooner, or she should’ve already been dead. And of course, he should have killed himself after they died. (And probably a cat shouldn’t be able to speak to him or understand him.)

Guilt and grief contribute to the instability of his account, but they don’t fully explain it. I do not want to pitch this as an unreliable narrator whose memories are wracked by trauma—quite the opposite. Rather than treating memories as sacred truths that should (or even could) be accurate, memories in January are tools of self-examination, things to be laid out and sifted through in an effort to process trauma. If the memories need to be reworked, details fudged, inconsistencies introduced, in order to make them fit better into his new self, all the better. There’s no one left alive to tell him that he’s remembering things wrong anyway.

(Sidenote: as someone who tends toward SDAM, I have a pretty irreverent view of memories. And I know that the memories I do have are factually inaccurate. I know this because I transitioned genders in adulthood, and yet all my childhood memories have been revised to fit my real gender, not the one I mistakenly happened to be as a child. In my memories, people always call me by the right name, even though that name didn’t exist twenty years ago.)

I want to highlight one more example of revisionary self-history in January that does not involve the POV shift. In the second scene of the game, in which January explores the dogtrot house, he describes the pain of his bruised ankle thus: “He breathed through the red. He imagined the bruise oozing through his sock like an open wound, dyeing the wool a deep, mashed, mulberry purple.”

Many months later, after January mercy-kills the hanged man, he describes the scene thus: “Red spilled from its neck. Pure blood red, not bilious or spoilt-black. From the collar of his shirt up to his chin, the man's neck was mashed mulberry with deep bruises, and these must have continued into his face, but he could not see the face now and did not want to remember.”

To the reader, chronologically the ankle description comes first. But this is a narrative illusion. Everything in the game has already happened by the time the first scene loads. Thus, when we read the earliest scenes, we have to view them through the lens of the later ones—that is, January himself views his earlier memories through the lens of later events, as all humans do. To be specific, when January tries to think of how to describe his bruised ankle, his mind twitches back to the morbid sight of the hanged man’s throat (that he “did not want to remember” but that insists on being remembered anyway), and he uses that real event as a blueprint to imagine how his pain might appear.

A couple reviewers asked why anyone would bother to read the scenes out of order. I think this is the heart of the answer—because in January’s mind, the scenes do not proceed in order of chronology, they proceed in order of random association, just as you might remember a pair of birthday parties from when you were twenty and when you were twelve. The memories/scenes float together in a pool of associations. They gossip and converse with each other, stealing descriptions, reusing phrases, imprinting later images on earlier events, and referencing later events that the reader hasn’t experienced yet, although January has. Accessing them out of order opens the door to serendipitous connections between descriptions and better reflects the sensation of remembrance, I think—but as we’ve covered, I have a pretty weird memory system, so take that with a grain of salt.

I swear we are almost done with this section. LAST THING, I do want to address the POV shift directly. There is something very me about writing a story obsessed with agency while refusing to give the reader any. Sorry! But this goes back to the fact that January is telling himself this story. He is not telling it to you, you are not a character or an actor here, and so your agency is largely non-existent and unimportant. What matters is January waking up, re-becoming the protagonist of his own story, and eventually claiming ownership of it via the POV shift. I think this is the most obvious part of the game to grasp, so I won’t dwell on it any longer. 😊

Or will I. (Yes, I wrote this section at 1:45am, how can you tell.)

Level Three

So we have the basic plot, we have the meta plot, and now we have… let’s call it, the personal plot, as the third layer of this shitcake. We are now stepping completely outside the narrative/the narrator and into my little brain.

Earlier I mentioned that I was researching how people use stories to cope, especially in the context of illness. Let us use “illness” very broadly to mean “disruptive health event,” anything from a severe injury to the development of a disability to a cancer diagnosis to mental health issues to chronic pain conditions to et cetera. In short, something that fucks you up.

Let us now imagine that many of the bad things that happened to me can be counted as “illness” and that they did fuck me up. Finally, let us allow the author to project their own grief and recovery process onto the two previous levels of plot. Et voila, we have a personal disability plot hiding in the game the whole time.

I don’t want to say too much about this, because one, it is quite personal, two, I don’t want it to affect other people’s readings of January–I don’t want to impose this as the “right” reading, and three, there’s so much overlap between this and the previous section that not much more needs to be said. We are still dealing with a life disruption, a loss of sense of self, an adriftness, a feeling of one’s life traveling on without you, of things Happening to You, a painful self-examination and reconstruction of a new self, and finally an ascent to some kind of agency.

The one thing I do want to highlight in terms of an illness/disability reading is the motif of eating that runs throughout January. Healthy folks may not immediately connect eating to illness, but boy howdy, are they intertwined. Eating is a nightmare for almost any kind of severe health condition. For example: you get the nausea and vomiting from chemo, you get the constipation from pain meds, you get your body trying to self-destruct via diabetes or celiac if you eat this or don’t eat it or eat too much or too little, you get a ravenous appetite from the mood swings, you get your appetite killed by stimulants, you are spitting up acid, you are shitting liquid, your fork won’t stop shaking, and you can’t get the food to your mouth. And so on.

Eating is such a fascinating, multi-valent concept in fiction. In this game alone, it encompasses the zombies’ unrelenting, deranged voraciousness and the tender little sight of January choking down kibble so that Cat feels safe enough to eat with him and the anxious morbidity of January insisting that Cat eat him after he dies. Which is to say, there are so many ways to read the concept of eating, but I’ll limit myself to commenting on it from this angle.

The first several scenes frame food within frustration: it is a necessity (January forces down the kibble in the dogtrot house, thinking of it strictly as “sustenance”), it is a repulsion (the charred meat in the train scene, mostly likely human flesh; the guilty dwelling on meat after the bird dream), and it is a thing-to-be-earned (the mangy cat doesn’t deserve kibble, January remarks, but we get the sense that maybe January doesn’t feel like he deserves it either). Ultimately, food and eating are symptoms of being alive, and that is anathema to January in the early game. Each meal forces him to recognize how hard he is working to stay alive despite the feeling that he ought to be dead. It’s a slap in the face.

In the mid-game, eating/surviving becomes something more rote, still unpleasant but not as guilt-wrought. January eats alongside Cat because that’s what they do. After Cat tries to feed him an oriole when he’s constipated and skipping meals, January later tries to return the favor by luring in a whole flock of birds for sick Cat to hunt. (Is it notable that both of their avian attempts to feed each other are failures?) Of course eating/surviving/being alive also runs the risk of being dead, as highlighted by the scene where Cat seems on the cusp of death after eating some plant he shouldn’t have. While pleading with Cat, January asks what he’s supposed to do with all the food he scavenged for Cat—what is he supposed to do with all this effort at being alive, if it just comes to this again? And the thing is, it will always come to this. All the living in the world will always come to death. This is the heart of January’s own near-death scene, in the next month, when he sees a gray sky full of ghosts and declares “there was no hope in it.” There’s no particular sunburst of revelation after the fever dream, just a realization that he’s still hungry and still alive and that Cat will sit and wait until January’s ready to eat with him.

(Ah, the bowl of stars that he drinks from. That image/phrase is a direct rip from a very famous horror novel, and if anyone can name it, one free cat cuddle to you! [Must supply your own cat.])

I could pick at more details, but you get the gist here. A last note on illness/disability: I didn’t really get into the horror genre until I was unwell, and then I used horror movies both to escape from pain and to realize the pain, to watch someone else suffer and nod from my seat and say, That’s it! That’s it, that’s what’s inside me. You all can see it too, now. Apocalyptic settings are a bit different, but related—it’s not so much about the pain and fear made manifest as the loss. Becoming disabled is very much a private apocalypse. Swaths of society are lost to you. You cannot go there; you cannot participate in the thing; you cannot create what you used to. Please don’t take this as an invitation to debate inclusivity measures—just believe me for a second when I say some doors are closed, and there is nothing you can do but accept it and find a new door to open.

January doesn’t spend very much time lamenting what’s been lost, not in tangible terms like missing pizza or electricity. In fact, he regularly refuses to engage with the remaining shreds of civilization. He’s not comfortable staying inside the apartment of the woman with the painted nails, nor entering the cottage in the garden, and though he makes some allusions to camping in houses from time to time, this is never shown on screen. He only tells us about sleeping outside in his tent. So, we might say that he copes with the apocalyptic loss of society by rejecting any desire to reconstruct it. Instead he forms his own routines, as many disabled people do.

A favorite scene for many reviewers was a short one in which January gives new names to the flowers he doesn’t recognize. Loss perfuses this scene, but so does freedom—the realization that you can shed what was lost and reconfigure what still exists. The flower scene presents a tidy bow, I think, on top of the messy package that is illness, grief, trauma, and autobiographical reality rewritten.

Thanks

Finally, some thanks. Thanks to Sjoerd for teaching me how to use TweeGo, huge huge thanks to Eli (@addictivities) for working with me on producing the art for the game, thanks to @agnesmontague for getting me started thinking about this postmortem, thanks to all who read January, and thanks to those who attempted to read it and said “absolutely fucking not” for their own well-being.

I’m still completely gobsmacked about placing in the top ten, and I really appreciate all the feedback that folks have given me, both publicly and privately. Take care of yourselves, everybody, and if you ever want to talk through stuff, feel free to reach out. <3

[lazarel-3000]

Strike me down, Morty.

Had a whole week to sort out how I feel and what I think about this season and the finale. Can I just say no wonder things felt off.

I’m honestly surprised at some of the reactions people had, some were angry at Rick - rightfully so, myself included, even if was the lie came from a noble place, kind of. And only kind of because Rick could just not deal with Morty thinking he was boring and disrespecting him like that, so he made Rickbot take his place. 

The way my stomach dropped as soon as they landed on the 10nth floor broh I was not kidding about that lol Yup, “Betrayal on all sides!”

And then there were others who were upset at Morty for some reason.. ? //scratches head// Dudes, he’s 14 and has been severely messed with!

And I also saw some people say this episode is proof Rick does not care about/love Morty. Which is just not true, it’s just not. We’ve been shown time and time again that the man cannot LIVE without him! The thing is that we’re past the point where it doesn't even matter anymore. Don’t don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Rick to pieces but I am not blind to any of his toxicity, nor do I try to justify it... most of the time.

The thing is, however, that it’s so easy to feel sorry for him - but at what point do you draw the line? And then to think oh how sweet it is that Morty will follow him despite everything. Yeah, he would! And yeah it’s sweet, but let’s not forget Rick exerts a terrifying amount of influence over Morty, whether consciously or not. Rick cultivated this dynamic, so I can’t fully get behind the whole thing of “choosing Rick.” Does Morty have a free will at this point? Unless the writers can convince me otherwise, I have Doubts.

So then the appeal of Rickbot becomes easier to understand… I mean how sad it is that Morty was willing to die with the version of Rick that was only 22% nicer, a non-person - a concept at that point of how things could be. This is how you know how bad things are.

And Rick’s unnecessarily cruel remark afterward; “Better tend to your little toaster.” You cannot tell me the man’s insides were not turning. 

Also: 

“Strike me down, Morty.” 

“I’m not striking you down.” 

“Strike me down, Morty. I’ll-I’ll become a pile of clothes like that old guy.” 

“But you’ll die. You’re drunk.”

“Here, I’ll-I’ll do it myself.” 

“No!”

My stomach did the first sickly little lurch because this scene was a bit too much like a fic I read the other day, I had to pause it because wow that fic fucked me up. And yes, the story had Rick trying to self-end himself via Morty because of... reasons. But in the show, this hasn’t been the first time Rick goaded Morty into killing him, but this felt so much worse tho bc of the jarring mood swing. One moment we were happy slicing fruits and having fun and the next is “strike me down, Morty.” said in an entirely too eager tone. I was Upset, hm’kay? And i hope this isn’t some foreshadow into the entire series finale because that is going to break me.

This being said, again, don’t get me wrong! I love this!! I love how messed up the whole thing is now and suffering through it. Truly curious to see how Dan, Justin and the writers move in the next season.

Should the situation be “fixed”? I mean yeah it’d be nice to see a good resolution that didn’t feel rushed, but idk maybe some things in life don’t necessarily need to have a happy ending. They just are.

[justmeinatree]

i love talking about my writing so i do not mind all the questions 😂 i've been part of too many fandoms to name here but some of the ones i was the most involved in include Supernatural (still love the show, just don't engage with the fandom much anymore), the MCU (stopped watching the movies after Endgame, went to see Eternals because Harry was in the post credits scene and then fell asleep halfway through and missed him), Star Wars (was more into this when i was younger, these days the only Star Wars media i really care for is Rogue One and nobody else seemed to like that movie lol), Star Trek (mostly TOS), Doctor Who (same thing as Supernatural, still love it just not in the fandom anymore, and the 12th Doctor is my favorite <3), Community (still love the show, probably going to be getting back into the fandom when the movie drops), Les Miserables (i've read the book, seen the Hugh Jackman movie too many times to count, and saw a performance of it a few years back! still love the musical but the fandom feels like it's mostly dead now), Harry Potter (for obvious reasons, I have distanced myself from this one as much as possible but I was a Ravenclaw if anyone was wondering), the Throne of Glass books by Sarah J Maas (actually planning to reread this over the summer! may get back into the fandom, we'll see) and I've been active in the fandom for just about every mainstream horror franchise (and plenty of the more obscure ones too lol). I could probably spend hours creating a comprehensive list of fandoms but i think this is enough for now, unless you're just dying to know more 😂 i started writing in first grade, so around 6 years old. i've known i want to be a writer almost my entire life. i think the first bit of fanfic i ever wrote was for Harry Potter actually, but i don't remember anything about it. and i don't actually know what got me into reading fanfic...i just kind of always remember it being my go-to form of entertainment when i was bored. i am SO sorry for putting a whole novel in your askbox...apparently we're both in very chatty moods today lol

dialogue is the hardest thing for me to write because i always have to rewrite the conversation ten times before i feel like it sounds the way two people would actually speak. i'm much better at giving overly flowery descriptions of the space, and of character's appearances, emotions, etc. i tend to try and limit dialogue as much as i can when possible. my other writing crutch is semi-colons...i simply cannot go a paragraph without including one.

now the pressure is on to keep the fic good for the two of you 😂 i think this is the first time i've been told that two of my readers were talking about my fic beyond the comments section.

i think she's 3 years old? but i always forget. i'll have to ask my mom next time i call her, she's the one that keeps track 😂

-🤘

wow, i cannot comment on any of the fandoms 🫣 don’t rip me apart or anything but i’ve literally never watched a single movie or episode related to any of them 😅 to be fair though, i rewatch the same like 10 tv shows on repeat and i’m not much one for movies 😬 but still that’s so impressive ! HOW did you find so many things that you enjoyed enough to join a fandom ? honestly love all of that for you, and apparently i need to broaden my horizons 😅

that’s crazy how it’s so opposite for us ! conversation is so easy for me to imagine. i wouldn’t even know how to avoid it 😅 semi colons !! never use those bad boys but i’m told i use too many commas. love me a good comma 😂

SHE’S SO CUTE !! i’ve seen the photos you sent and omggg she’s seriously adorable. i don’t know what i was picturing but honestly she’s surpassed the image ! such a fkn cutie 😍😍

[salvatoreren]

I finally watched AOT's last episode and frankly, I am not okay, I have been sobbing a river oh my fucking god.

Anyways, it was really good, as expected of MAPPA anyway, I was pretty much crying the whole episode actually.

I have complaints, mostly because of the not included anime, little things like not having the flashbacks of Armin of reading a book in the rain, the squirrels etc. etc. I would have love to see them in the market and the way to the boy who sought freedom, goodbye was not implemented, I WAS WAITING FOR THAT COME ON

The anime only scenes were good too, like Levi giving food to the refugees, falco and gabi, i wish we saw their outfits tho, they slayed with that one.

the way they played 13 no fuyu, im killing myself, ive been listening to that shit since 2022 which mind you was when i was active once more in aot, the fucking flashbacks my god, that was so tragic RAHHH

i also saw aot's op, EREN WITH A BOW? EREN WITH A BOW!!! MIND YOU I JUST FINISHED WATCHING THE HUNGER GAMES SO IMMEDIATELY IM LIKE YES YES IT'S GIVING KATNISS EVERDEEN, WITH WHAT HIM BEING HUMANITY'S HOPE, ESP WITH THE FIRE COMING OUT OF IT FORMING A BIRD

THE SAME BIRD WE SAW ON S4 ENDING 1, oh my god, the opening was really cool omg, it perfectly showcased eren's journey, what he went through, despite being absent in the final chapters, it still showed Eren was still the protagonist...Which isayama did not understand when he made 139

Yes, I am bitter still with the ending, no, I am not hearing anyone out and no, I am not going to pour my disappointments with it STILL, here because yeah.

It's such a shame that's the last and final time we'll ever see it, devastating tragedy omg.

ARMIN AND EREN'S FINAL INTERACTION, IM GLAD THEY MADE THEM HOLD HANDS, THANK YOU MAPPA, PLS THE WAY THEY'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND WILL BE WAITING FOR EACH OTHER IN HELL, GAGGED, IM DEAD, MY ROMAN EMPIRE FOR REAL

Now that's out of the way.

It's been a long and fun ride, regardless, the final season has been going for what three years, i've been with this series for three years, it was fun really it was, this series took such a simplistic and cliched approach then twisted into something more complex and truly gutwrenching. 2020 was nothing without AOT, in my opinion, watching AOT broadened my media consumption, yanked me into the anime world and i already have so many fandoms i'm in.

2020 was a hard time too, i couldn't have done it without this bloody series, god, i remember aboarding the train hype, everything was everywhere, fics, art, videos, memes etc. All those I read influenced my writing style, all those theories made me think more critically, those memes and videos of it made me laugh. It's funny how a series like this one comforted me so much.

I remember being so traumatized by the first episode i'm like who the fuck would ever like this series with this much blood and that night i immediately searched for eren fics because i was like who is this boy i like him, i fucking dreamt of the beast titan, all those nights racing with my sister who could finish the series first, i literally woke up at 4 just to watch it before she could.

Fucking terrified which of my favorite characters were going to die next, literally sobbing over armin's death, god and the mindfuck with Marley and Eldians and Subjects of Ymir in the fray oh my god.

Can I just say, I wouldn't be who I was without AOT? Even with my cynical behavior, it's all because of it.

2021 who i never fail to reiterate and think fondly is good because of AOT as well, I figured wow, the final season is coming back, I should rewatch it again and so the hyperfixation began, i was sick too, almost dying too actually, dengue is dangerous and it was just a fond memory because i was watching aot and i acted like i never had watch these scenes in my life and despite feeling like dying i felt okay.

I was so batshit crazy when part 2 came out, that was the one that was actually peak AOT don't lie, I was literally screaming like i was giving birth OVER AN OPENING AND AN ENDING, i'll never forget any of it.

When I cried watching the whole episode, it really just occurred to me that this is really the end for AOT, i was only ever able to go through it because I have the anime and it what really kept the whole fandom alive, the anime's honestly the reason why it had this many fans as you can see.

And again the way it's heartwrenching for it to just be a simple series and then it's full blown war, jean and reiner holding out to each other, remembering how they used to be close and comrades then betrayals and war happened and it's all ruined.

The devastating realization of seeing the last few panels animated, watching the end flash through the screen, realizing there was nothing out of this now, no more next episodes, no more hype, it's gone and it's so devastating because how happy it made you, the way you'll never see these characters again, only in rewatches or art. But it's not the same.

I admit I don't feel as hyperfixated over it now, after getting burnt out of it last year, even good things go badly sadly and i was just here for eren now, but doesn't change the fact this series has nurtured my quarantine, i grew up with this series even if it was only recent, who changed the trajectory of my life and had me find my paths.

I'll never forget these characters who made my life, who brought life to the story, even if they were just moved by the plot now, i'll always have a soft spot for AOT, i will always love it, regardless how much i hate it, there will always be fondness within it.

It's kind of weird, really to see Levi who has done so much to the fandom just by existing and being drawn and animated now cease to exist? I suppose, looking at him feels weird like imagine comparing 2014 levi to 2023 levi now omg, that's where you really begin to realize how much time has passed and how much AOT has evolved AGAIN JKSDHJ

well, i'm still on eren's side, still hate what happened to him but i'll always love him, he is such an important character to me, i don't think i truly ever loved someone like him despite representing the total opposite of me, he just had that charm i suppose, his views are so hauntingly beautiful, idealistic, him representing hope, despite what he did, in the end he did what he could for himself and for his people IN MY HUMBLE ONION

eren yeager i'll always love you

i'm kinda scared what would happen to this fandom now, will it die now? Will it live? I doubt, I haven't even finished my eren fic and lol, either way i hope someone will still enjoy AOT, i hope still there will be new watchers.

This is long but this is just how I really feelt about AOT which I wholeheartedly do love and cherish with all the memories and the pain it gave.

Thank you Isayama for this world, for these characters, for these mindblowing revelations about war, life and freedom, for the heartaches and the joy.

Thank you WIT for raising AOT and truly breathing life to it, for garnering fans for it to be more appreciated.

Thank you MAPPA for continuing WIT's legacy, you are not the same but still delievered, thank you for carrying the final season and the fandom on your back, may you sleep well and have your deserved pay.

Thank you for the voice actors who breathed those memorable lines to be used in edits.

Thank you Linked Horizon for coming back, aot was iconic because of your openings.

Thank you AOT for everything.

[larathia]

BSD Manga reread, ch’s 1-10

I’ll be kind and not spam and only post after I’ve reread 10 chapters at a go.

And I’ll use cuts, too. Cos this time THERE WILL BE PICTURES.

Chapter One

* My first thought here is ‘wow, Dazai’s manner of speech is different’. I’m...not sure I can quite place how, and it could of course just be a translator thing, but he sounds rather more refined here at the beginning of things than he generally does later. (I’m not saying he speaks crudely, just...he gives much more of an upper class impression here, somehow.)

And he reads. I didn’t notice this the first time around because - it’s a series about literary greats, no? So of course there should be reading? But on a reread, I’m finding myself going “wow, almost nobody is seen reading.”

* There are three things that happen here, that I think are why Dazai chooses to take Atsushi under his (and, collectively, the Agency’s) wing. Firstly, while alone and clearly afraid of everything up to and including literally his own shadow, Atsushi chooses to save the life of a stranger. (He couldn’t KNOW that Dazai would’ve rather have been left alone. Point is - the kid chose to be kind, in a city that - we are repeatedly told and shown - does not have much kindness in it.) Secondly, on saving someone’s life, and being offered a reward, and while obviously starving, he just asks for chazuke. Which we’re told is basically just a dish meant to clean rice out from a bowl. It’s apparently the equivalent of saving a well-to-do person’s life and asking for a PB&J.  So now we have “kind and apparently humble”. And lastly, and this one seems to be the clincher, Atsushi tells Dazai his story in the warehouse and it’s clear that this boy has nothing to live for, and no one who’d be the slightest bit upset by his death...yet he chooses to live. WANTS to live. And even so, choosing to live and wanting to live, he has in no way ...well. Become a beast.

Contrast ALL of this with what we later learn about Dazai’s meeting with Akutagawa. And with what we later learn of Dazai’s own outlook and inclinations. Atsushi is practically Dazai’s diametric opposite...yet there’s no friction here. No competition, no judgment. Atsushi doesn’t even realize that he’s made a very quirky, and rather dangerous, friend. But because he DID, we have ...well, the whole story.

I would be remiss if I did not include probably the single most ignored bit of canon in this entire series.

The number of people who feel the deep-seated need to ignore or deny this one panel is really kind of amazing, when you get down to it. I just thought I’d mention that yes, Dazai being straight is, actually, canon. Chapter one, never actually recanted or disproved in the text canon. It’s important to remember what is canon and what is fanon. It prevents fandom-related insanity.

ANYWHO. MOVING ON.

Chapter 2

Atsushi’s entrance exam. On a reread, what mostly sticks out to me here is what Atsushi learns about Dazai.

Firstly, Atsushi learns that seriously, Dazai’s suicide attempts have completely numbed the Agency to even the idea Dazai might need help:

Secondly, Atsushi learns that Dazai is very much a trickster entity who might be your friend and might look out for your best interests, but has ZERO problem lying and/or putting you through the wringer in order to do so.

He definitely remembers both of these lessons later. It doesn’t hurt that he gets a lot of reminders.

Chapter 3

* Tanizaki is, genuinely, a pretty nice guy on average, and takes a non-mentorly kind of ‘take Atsushi under his wing’ approach. Sort of senior-but-equal.

* Ah, the famous ‘guess Dazai’s former job’ scene. Now, I get why Dazai wasn’t exactly free to admit it (given all the work the government did to cover up his past) but I feel, on reread, that the fandom should admit Kunikida totally had Dazai figured out. And absolutely deserves the financial reward.

Like, seriously. What we later learn is Kunikida was 100 percent right on both counts - Dazai just wasn’t free to admit it.

He promises he ‘won’t lie’. And...very technically, VERY VERY TECHNICALLY, he isn’t? I mean yes, ‘scoundrel’ covers pretty much the entire Mafia, and ‘shipping container’ would in most cases be considered synonymous with ‘homeless’, so I do feel Kunikida is right to claim the pot. But at the same time, “mafia don” is ...rather above and beyond mere ‘scoundrel’ and ‘capable of living in five star hotels but CHOOSING a shipping container’ is not what comes to mind when one says ‘homeless’. There’s a hell of a lot of nuance that lets Dazai’s assertion that he ‘won’t lie’ technically stand, while at the same time allowing Kunikida to be 100 percent right.

But at the base level I’m going to call this as “the only reason Dazai doesn’t admit to his past here is because at the time he probably couldn’t.” This little pot of betting money never comes up again, but I like to think that when Dazai does finally admit his Mafia connections to Kunikida later on, he hands over the pot as well. (Yes, yes, I know. Fanon vs Canon; this is a guess/hope.)

Canonically, what we as readers learn is yes - Dazai will lie. Context is required to understand why and to what degree, but yeah - Dazai will totally lie.

* And we’re introduced to Higuchi and Akutagawa. And Dazai’s tricks (again). This time it’s the headphones, listening to the transmitter he put in Higuchi’s pocket. And the lyrics to his ‘double suicide’ song, which I suppose we have to figure he just made up on the spot to ‘explain’ why he’s wearing headphones, since just saying “I’m listening to our client on the sly” would ...not come off well with Kunikida after that whole ‘drag Dazai into the closet for a beating’ thing.

* Tanizaki really is a pretty decent detective. And his ability is much better in combat than he thinks; it’s really only down to his Light Snow that everyone came out of their first encounter with Akutagawa alive.

Chapter 4

* Wow. Dazai really did come RIGHT over once the fighting started.

* And we learn that sweet, observant, polite Tanizaki has a really hard ‘cross this and die’ line; Fuck Thou Not With His Sister. Accompanied by impressive crazyface.

* This is also Akutagawa and Atsushi’s first fight. Given that Atsushi’s still reeling from a lot of revelations, he did pretty well.

* And now we, the readers, know that Kunikida was right; Dazai was a scoundrel. A professional and high ranking one. Even so, on reread, it’s this panel that sticks out as “whoa”.

Because while we learn in this chapter that Dazai is ex-Mafia, it’s much later that we learn just what his relationship with Akutagawa was. And how very, very much this single mocking sentence would cut Akutagawa.

Dazai gets a lot of information out of Aku here. But all his actual concern is for getting Atsushi, Junichiro, and Naomi back to base.

Chapter 5

Dude, you totally are. And I think it’s Kunikida’s state of “totally rattled” that really pushes Atsushi to think that the only thing he can do to protect the Agency is run away from it.

We’re then introduced to the Black Lizard, which upsells the whole ‘must run away’ idea, We’re given a brief introduction to Tachihara and Gin, which is at least useful to remember for later.  And we realize that Higuchi hasn’t processed that Dazai is ex-Mafia. (Probably fair, since most people don’t seem to survive trying to be ex-Mafia.)

And Atsushi learns that he doesn’t have to ‘protect’ the ADA. They’re totally capable of protecting themselves, Kunikida’s case of nerves notwithstanding.

Chapter 6

Our introduction to Ranpo. (And Atsushi’s.) And all we get at first is the sheer awe that everyone holds Ranpo’s power in. And a hell of a lot of Atsushi’s “so done with you crazy people” face.

This is very much a ‘Dazai mentoring’ chapter; he’s the one advising Atsushi to watch closely, and he’s the one that pushes Atsushi to take action when the bad cop tries to use his gun on the group. (Dazai’s also apparently pleasantly surprised that Atsushi managed to handle that well, taking the officer down without killing or injuring him or anyone else...but yeah, Dazai’s probably still comparing Atsushi to Akutagawa here.) Dazai’s the one to show Atsushi that Ranpo isn’t using a supernatural skill, too, just his head - walking Atsushi through those details he himself can spot, as a kind of training session.

He really isn’t a bad mentor. But he’s very much a trickster mentor - Atsushi just has the weird luck to be mentored by this setting’s equivalent of Loki. He learns! Valuable lessons! Just...not exactly in an orthodox manner.

Chapter 7

I tend to focus on Dazai, because he’s a character you kind of HAVE to figure out from context (given he’s a trickster, and often, a deceiver), so ...bear with me a bit here.

The first note is the face he makes when Kyouka corners him:

We don’t know exactly why he makes this face at the time, because we don’t get a clear view of what ability Kyouka has...but realistically, this has to just be startlement that the Mafia Really Wants To Talk To Him Right Now. Because...Demon Snow cannot hurt Dazai; she’d be dispelled at the first touch. And ...frankly, Kyouka may be a skilled assassin but she’s 14 and very direct and in a straight up fight I’d put money on Dazai. So when Dazai’s accused of ‘letting himself be captured’...yeah, he totally LET himself be captured. There’s evidence enough to support that. (Now, ask me why Akutagawa SENT KYOUKA, when he knows damn well what Dazai’s skillset is, and I find myself thinking “Aku wanted to see if Dazai would kill her for him, didn’t he.” Akutagawa knows Dazai has no real problem murdering people. Dazai’s tried to kill Aku, after all.

And then we’re back at the Agency, and treated to a reminder that really, Atsushi is the only member of the ADA willing to accept even the idea that Dazai might actually be in trouble, or need/want help.

Sadly...Atsushi is also wrong - since Dazai DID let himself be captured, and DOES kinda have that whole situation under control...but the thing is, no one in the ADA really knows that, or even HAS a way to know that; they’re just (mostly) fed up with Dazai’s suicide attempts.

And it’s not that Atsushi necessarily disagrees with everyone’s assessment? He totally accepts that maybe Dazai did try to kill himself (again), or is in control of whatever situation he’s landed in. It’s just that Atsushi also accepts that he doesn’t KNOW that - and that, incidentally, he seems resolved to interfering with Dazai’s suicide attempts regardless - and so he’ll go anyway. Which makes him utterly unique in the entire BSD setting, when you think about it. Everyone else that has ever tried to keep Dazai alive, has done so for selfish reasons. Atsushi...just doesn’t want Dazai to die. He doesn’t have work for Dazai to do, doesn’t seem to need him for anything...he just doesn’t want Dazai to be dead. Which may be the only reason Dazai doesn’t ever get mad at Atsushi about it.

Atsushi also doesn’t have the slightest hint of self preservation. Which we’ve seen twice now; first with the fake bomb, second against Akutagawa, and now here - and Yosano snags him to go shopping.

For...lemons, among other things...

Given what happens later, I find the bag full of lemons just kind of ...on the nose.

Also. Let it be known that I adore and admire Yosano and this right here is absolutely why.

This woman owns my soul and you can’t get it back from her.

Yosano also wins points for being the first to realize that Atsushi’s power is a little more than just “turning into a big white kitty cat”.That Atsushi doesn’t just ‘heal’. Something more is going on.

This chapter does a lot to introduce Yosano and her basic outlook on life. She’s fearless, resolute, ruthless, and has zero patience for perverts and idiots. But she’s kind enough to Atsushi in her own way - willing, I suppose, to accept that he’s not stupid so much as he is ignorant of protocol.

Chapter 8

Still on the train.

We’re now given a proper introduction to Kyouka. Atsushi, here, has his little epiphany - if he can save other people, then he can justify his existence.

And because he has this epiphany - because he’s brought pain and misery to others due to circumstances beyond his control, but does not want to die - he’s able to push Kyouka into wanting to escape the dark too. Although, much like Atsushi’s first attempt was curling around what he thought was a live bomb, Kyouka jumps from the train.

And Yosano, man, I would just put every panel with Yosano on here if I could, because I adore her so very much in this chapter. Just picture me back in the stands, waving a ‘go yosano’ flag and cheering. She’s awesome. I love her.

Chapter 9

We open on a discussion of Kyouka, and Kunikida being...kind of an ass. Again. Because someone has to say the obvious and unpleasant truth, and that tends to be Kunikida’s job. And Atsushi ...probably doesn’t even realize that he takes a page from Dazai’s book here. It’s much easier to get information from someone who’s comfortable and at ease with you, than it is to beat information out of them. Atsushi saw that firsthand, when he was the interrogation subject back in chapter 1. But Atsushi doesn’t have Dazai’s leverage with Kunikida, and has to pick up the tab himself. And once more, Kunikida lays out the obvious, unpleasant truths.

(I feel like at this point someone should be asking, “If Kyouka’s so clearly condemned, and she’s only been with the Mafia a little while, how the fuck was Dazai able to just walk out?” - not that we get the answer to that for a LONG time...)

That isn’t the question that Atsushi asks, though. He asks a question much closer to the heart of his character:

And ...I want to say that I think this is actually a very central question, at the very heart of the series’ conflicts. Not about Dazai specifically, but why does anyone reach out to help anyone when there’s nothing in it for them to do so?

Look - we know, as of current time (all the chapters since this one, and all the LNs and spinoffs and all that) that the reason ‘why Dazai reached out’ was that this was something Oda asked Dazai to do with his dying breath. Look after orphans. Protect the weak. Why was Oda kind? Because Natsume was kind to Oda, and Oda’s paying it forward.

And why did Dazai heed Oda’s request? Because, ultimately, Oda was kind to him. Kind when it not only didn’t get Oda anything, it actually put Oda at risk and ultimately cost Oda his life. One person was kind to Dazai. They made one request, and that pushed Dazai forward.

And then in turn Dazai is kind to Atsushi. When it doesn’t benefit him to do so, and in fact incurs debt at first - hiding Atsushi from the police, getting him a place to stay, etc. It doesn’t benefit Dazai to do any of this, nor does he require any repayment from Atsushi for it.

Natsume was kind to Oda. Oda was kind to Dazai. Dazai is kind to Atsushi. And now Atsushi, in turn, wants to be kind to Kyouka.

So very much of this entire series pivots on a single chain of kindness.

And a hell of a lot of unkindness.

The story slips back to Dazai, chained to a wall, and being particularly chill about it. You can pretty much tell Akutagawa finds this utterly incomprehensible...but then, his power can’t hurt Dazai, and Dazai truly wouldn’t care even if it could. Dazai mocks Akutagawa...a LOT. And we find out now for certain that Dazai wasn’t just ‘ex mafia’. He’s an ex-mafia don, a leader, executive, and Aku’s former mentor.

And he is merciless. He rips right into any and all aspects of Akutagawa that might hurt Aku, anger him, upset him. You can practically see Dazai smashing little chisels into every one of Aku’s (many) braincracks. And then he adds the finisher, which will take all of Aku’s hurt and rage and aim it at Atsushi:

We know, from later chapters, why Dazai does this. He knows of old that Akutagawa is obsessed with proving himself, and that the only way Akutagawa knows of to do that is attack and defeat what he sees as his enemy. Dazai also knows that Atsushi has the potential to get through to Akutagawa - as well as survive Akutagawa’s power. He’s throwing these two at each other because both of them will learn just as much from each other as either ever could from him, and he’s well aware someone is yanking some strings in the background.

(And I’m pretty sure he really, really doesn’t want to have to deal with Chuuya.)

If Double Black isn’t going to handle whatever the new situation is, then a replacement team must be forged. Despite what Dazai tells Akutagawa here, we know from side media (the Mimic affair, specifically) that Dazai actually thinks well of Akutagawa’s powers. He just doesn’t think much of Akutagawa’s ability to learn to use it effectively.

The scene switches back to Atsushi, being kind to Kyouka. Which ends with Akutagawa kidnapping Kyouka and attacking Atsushi.

Kindness and unkindness. In this chapter, Dazai’s ultimately at fault for all of it.

Such a trickster. So very Loki.

Chapter 10

Junichiro is, again, the gentle/kind member after Atsushi. And Kunikida is, again, the one to lay out unpleasant facts, although this time Ranpo’s willing to help. The ADA are not really a team, at this point - they’re a collection of employees. There’s no expectation of anyone going out on a limb for anyone else.

Thankfully, Naomi - and Fukuzawa - aren’t gonna be having with any of that shit. That Fukuzawa - who’s had almost NO interaction with Atsushi - is willing to turn the whole Agency on its ear on Atsushi’s behalf...says a hell of a lot about the man’s integrity and sense of honor. This isn’t just a ‘collection of employees’, to him. They are his people. That’s how his ability works, how it can help them. “His people” may not yet be bonded with each other, but from Fukuzawa’s position, they are all connected to him. Once they are his, he will watch over them. Which gives us this gem:

And again, this is something that hits harder after you’ve read all the manga, and all the side stuff, and you realize what Fukuzawa is delivering here isn’t a counter-argument. It’s a very personal bitchslap, reminding Ranpo that Fukuzawa has stuck his neck out for Ranpo, especially in their early years working together, and that Ranpo denying aid to another because it isn’t “logical” is basically Ranpo saying that he didn’t deserve help either. There’s...seriously no way Ranpo’s even going to try making that argument.

And then we cut to Dazai’s little dungeon. I think it’s important to realize that the entire interaction was something Dazai expected - and staged. Much like his interaction with Akutagawa before, everything Dazai says or does with Chuuya in the room is designed to get a specific reaction out of Chuuya.

This is the truth - these panels just before Chuuya enters.

And this interaction truly is a work of art, because Chuuya may not be on Dazai’s level intelligence-wise, but he’s not actually stupid. He knows what Dazai is like - he just isn’t quick enough to avoid the traps. It’s like knowing a magician isn’t REALLY using magic, just sleight of hand, and maybe even knowing how one or two of the tricks work, but being absolutely fooled by all the others.

You’re not wrong, Chuuya. And frankly, your observations are just as valid for Dazai-now as they are for Dazai-in-the-mafia. But the minute you said “I don’t know what you’re planning”, you should’ve realized you’d already lost. Even Atsushi can pick up on that much.

The chapter ends with a lot of hustle and bustle at the ADA, and ultimately, Ranpo being nudged into giving the ADA directions. The rescue is on.

Next up will be chapters 11-20 :)

[infinite-orangepeel]

9 & 13 for the writer asks, please :)

bobbie, hi ! lovely to see you here, my friend <3 hope you're having a great start to your weekend :) thanks so much for submitting these ones !

and thanks to @lordoftherazzles for creating this tag game 💌

9. have you ever made yourself laugh with something you've written?

short answer: yes.

long answer: usually when i'm writing some intentionally awkward flirting between steddie, i won't be satisfied UNLESS it makes me personally smile or giggle (that's like my litmus test for if it gets included in the final draft).

also, whenever i get to write ensemble scenes with the whole gang (bonus points: if it's steddie 'parenting; the kids), i find myself laughing. i recently wrote these few lines for it's rotten work and they make me smile:

“Uh, no. That’s okay. Thanks, though,” Steve’s mom-brain is running at the speed of light as he tries to do the math on how to accommodate everyone, explain everything, and deal with the potential fallout–all while getting the kids to go to bed at a reasonable hour, “Why’d you guys come here, anyway?”

“To drink alcohol and kiss our boyfriends–at least that’s what Max said earlier,” she says in a distorted imitation of a regular teen–one who hasn’t lived through years of unethical lab experimentation, multiple apocalyptic events, and attained telekinesis. 

“Do you and your boyfriend kiss with alcohol, Steve?” she wonders aloud and he stammers around trying to generate an acceptable, PG-13 answer. 

“Well, you know. I don’t–I think that it’s best–” 

“Oh, they’ve definitely kissed,” Dustin jogs over and Mike tags along on lanky legs. 

“Definitely,” Mike confirms, like he might be able to apply the scientific method to prove it, “Just look at the hickeys on Steve’s neck! Either a vampire attacked him in the woods or he and Eddie have been having sex in Hopper’s cabin–which ew–” 

“Oh gross!” Lucas exclaims from his perch across the room, “I bet there’s dude jizz all over the cabin. I’m probably sitting in some right now, aren’t I? Actually don’t answer that–”

“Okayyyy. Sounds like mama bear needs some help getting her ducklings back in line. That’s my cue, Red,” Eddie ties off the intricate braid he’s weaved into Max’s strawberry colored hair and leaves her giggling with an unintelligible comment he whispers into her ear. 

13. multichapter fics or one shots?

ahh don't make me choose ! jk, jk.

as a reader, i have a slight preference for multichapter fics.

i'm def one of those people that gravitates towards works with over 100k words (or even 200k tbh) and some seriously fucked up tags (what can i say? i like the dark stuff. the more fucked up/toxic and crazy the better sometimes lol in fiction at least). like the fact that each installment of @azrielgreen's fics tends to be over 20k words is the best to me lol. I live for it ! also I just live for her writing in general, wow.

but tbh if it's steddie, i'll read anything under the sun. and bc i'm constantly writing and working on my own wips, one shots do bode well for me due to time constraints !

and as a writer, i have a HUGE preference for multichapter fics. bc if i'm obsessed with a pairing (and steddie is seriously my otp forever) i want to stay immersed in that universe for as long as possible. and bc I like to torture myself with writing slowburns and/or angst with a happy ending, i find that the multipchapter/giant word count format works best for plot and character development.

to me, it's rotten work and i wore his jacket are both heavily character driven. it's rotten work was born out of the idea that i wanted to explore steve's trauma in the whumpiest/brutal way possible. eventually, that transformed into addressing and exploring eddie's trauma, as well. and in order for a fic like that to work and to see any real healing take place, i think the story needs time to breathe and develop for it to be believable/feel realistic enough for the reader.

anyways !! sorry that was a way too long answer but I had too many thoughts in my brain on the topic. if you read that all, I seriously adore you <3

[rayless-reblogs]

For the writing meme: 5, 12, and/or 32, please? :)

Thank you! Let's take a crack at these.

5: What are my writing superstitions? Not any superstitions, but maybe hang-up is a better word? Whether it's original writing or fanfic, I'm very, very reluctant to assume I'll finish a project. I'll start writing and tell myself, "Okay, this is just a casual thing, no pressure, if you finish it, great, but you're not committing to anything here." Never mind that I'm secretly hoping I will finish it, of course, and I know that. There've been times in the past when I've launched into a project with high expectations, only to watch it peter out and die. Usually if I'm fifty percent through or more, I have a reasonable expectation of seeing it through, but even there, I've still quit before it was done.

For related reasons, I tend to make myself write linearly, not jump right to the scenes I'm really looking forward to writing and filling in the "boring" stuff later. Those scenes are the carrots on the stick -- I have to get through the less exciting stuff first, and that helps ensure everything gets written out. I ended up breaking this rule for my more recent Abyss fics, where I ended up jumping around a lot. But I don't think that would work for me in most cases.

Also for related reasons, this is why I don't post long fanfics until they're finished. I don't want to leave readers hanging with something incomplete.

12: If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Asking for loads of money so I could just spend all my time researching and writing and self-promoting my writing would be nice, but is probably too indirect for the writing genie. Would need a money genie for that.

I am ridiculous when it comes to typos, so being typo-proof would be great.

For my current writing project, I have been taking an unholy amount of notes, which I still need to fact-check and organize. Being able to see all of my notes at once, comprehensively, right there in my brain, sounds amazing.

Never again having that feeling of knowing there's an exact word I want to use but I can't remember what it actually is.

32: What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic that I return to again and again? This is an odd one, not because it's obscure, but it's just strange that this is something I do think back to a fair bit. The last line of Peter Pan novel:

When Margaret grows up she will have a daughter, who is to be Peter’s mother in turn; and thus it will go on, so long as children are gay and innocent and heartless.

My mom read Peter Pan to me (I was a teenager, not a young child, just to clarify), and I remember when she came to that, I was just sort of wow. What a note to end on, that word "heartless". I think the Disney movie robs Peter Pan of a lot of its -- dark? sinister? -- neither are exactly the right word (where are you, writing genie?) overtones, and the whole book has this against-the-grain element. But it's so sharp and stark in that line. I think it helped teach me the power of including, with no fanfare, a simple word that cuts against what the reader expects -- just putting it there and leaving it be, letting the reader cope with it themselves.

[depressionspiral]

I'm actually in a mostly good place emotionally right now. I haven't had any serious ideation for nearly a whole year, new record. Reading this blog back is wild, ESPECIALLY the memory logging. I find it interesting that I mentioned that symptom (which turns out - tism and trauma related) but didn't mention it bothered me because I legit wanted to develop amnesia to make the pain of losing Naomi less. Which like...kinda got that, because dissociation can be a hell of a thing. I have my memories still, but all the emotional associations to them are just...gone. Because we were so close and did nearly everything in childhood, most of those memories automatically remove her from the scene. Its like my brain allows only close-up shots in scenes I KNOW she was in previously - I struggle so hard to imagine her reactions or words in those memories now, and if I try to focus on it for too long, a wall appears and there's nothing but cold, hard facts. At first, it was just the childhood memories. But when I started to really, truly heal this last year, everything pre-2022 got included in that. Going through this blog tonight felt so strange. I went through it back when Naomi passed too, because I love self torture like that I guess. But back then, I remember deeply, deeply connecting to those posts, remembering the hurt and having it mingle with the agony I was in. Now, its like I'm reading someone else's words. My heart hurts for that person but...they're so far removed from me emotionally, I could convince myself it was someone else - except I have those factual memories. "This is what happened before that x-acto knife incident, what happened after, the discussion I had with my therapist." "Wow describing my feelings sounds so petoc but I'm pretty sure that was what it felt like at the time?"

Its wild. Like emotionally, I got reset or reborn. I still had downs in 2022, and a part of me still remembers how agonizing losing Naomi was but...thinking about it doesn't create an echo, the way thinking about past depressive periods used to. I don't instantly know how painful it was compared to when dad passed. It's more cognitive or almost scientific than that; like "Oh scrapping my knee hurt differently than when I tripped and fell earlier" but I can't FEEL that throbbing sensation. I just KNOW that's the word I would use to describe it, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I came on here mostly because what's truly been eating me away this last year is how my sister Amy essentially ghosted me, and how late 2021-early 2022 I was in a fucked up place where I contemplated suicide as a way to get attention from her because of it, and to hurt her the way I felt hurt at the time. But then I started reading and now I'm just in more of a contemplative mood rather than a frustrated, needing-to-put-it-down-in-words mood. So maybe later when it comes up again lol.

[brick-a-doodle-do]

1, 12, 13, 18, 22-30, 37, 42, 43, 55, 57, 75, 78, 79

(You don't have to do all of them there were just so many good ones)

AHH QUESTIONS QUESTIONS!!

1 : do you daydream a lot before you write, or do you go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

GENERALLY, i like to daydream about my work. i think there's only been a handful of times where i jump into the thing IMMEDIATELY. i'll make pinterest boards or playlists or try to at least map it out with someone/myself, then i'll probably start on a sentence, leave it like that for a week until i find it again and abandon the fic that i did the same thing to! it's a whole cycle jfsdjv

12 : do you outline your fics? if yes, how detailed are your outlines? how far do you stray from them?

hhh it depends! i usually always have the beginning and the end played out, and in a rare case somewhat of the middle. and occasionally, if i do have the beginning, middle, and end planned out i'll try to stick with it but if i want to change smth as i'm writing it i'll go ahead and do it,,,,,

13 : do you listen to music while you write? if yes, what have you been listening to recently?

i've been listening to a few different things, but mainly my serenity playlist (even if i'm not writing serenity) aaand occasionally my dsmp playlist cause dsmp music is my guilty pleasure skfsddsc,,, i also like listening to the neighborhood's masterplaylist

18 : do you enjoy research? which fic of yours required the most research?

i do like research, it's fun to take a break from writing so my attention can stay on it longer lol

aaand i think so far swapped has been taking the most research! because a. he's a borrower so i have to look up more simplified words for things, b. there's a fucking language barrier so i've been looking up ways to write it, and c. i've been thinking sooo much about things to include in reference to their body swapping to make emduo & beeduo more skeptical,,,,

22 : do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process?  how do you come up with titles?

generally i'll do it afterwards, i think serenity & soot house are the only ones that i've named beforehand as of recent. i had written curiosity months before i posted it as a non g/t fic and titled it really quickly. when i wrote in my notes i did think of titles first, but now it's always after! and i don't usually come up with them on my own, i use the oh hello or hoizer generator puzzle recommended to me :) tho i did come up with swapped all on my own after like 20 minutes of searching through songs to just land on smth of my own ejsdfjds

aaand i think you meant all the ones between 22 & 30 so WOW let's go

23 : is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? hardest?

the easiest is the beginning because depending on how you start it it'll almost always have a clean flow, then the end because wrapping things up can be kind of difficult but still pretty clean, and then the middle cause idk wtf to put there i didn't plan that far ahead </3

24 : how do you choose whose pov to write in?

hhhh i haven't really thought about it! i usually jump in with the protagonist cause yk it's the easiest. and if i want another story to be told i'll switch povs! it genuinely just comes easy for me with pov switching so i don't put a ton of thought into it,,,,

25 : what’s your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)?

brainstorming/worldbuilding fs, making visuals is always such a fun experience and answering questions to make the world more defined,,,, and writing ofc is also pretty fun of course cause wooo it's coming alive!!

26 : what’s your least favorite part of the writing process?

editing! boooooo

i'm not patient enough to read through my 1.3k fics so i almost never, and that's why i got a proofreader for swapped fejsdjs

27 : what area of writing do you feel strongest in?

i think i'm answering this question correctly by saying scenes? the whole process of adding useless description to some things is really fun and i find that if i get it write i can be good at it!

28 : what area of writing do you want to improve in?

dialogue and foreshadowing! dialogue can be so hard and not just cause it's fic, but because i have trouble balancing my description and dialogue,, i'll add 2 paragraphs of description or internal dialogue stuff before i give a response to a characters question lol

29 : what’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

UHHHH uh uhhhhh my secret easter eggs i leave for myself! those are the best dsjjfds

30 : how much do you edit your fics? do you edit as you write or wait until you finish the first draft?

i don't. i do not edit my fics like ever. and if i do it's always as i'm rereading things i wrote just out of pure curiosity

37 : what fic has been the hardest for you to write?

swapped lol it's 9k words which is way out of my usual word count and the language barrier was a bitch, keeping the writing fluent and making appropriate responses to wilbur's confusion was really difficult in my opinion for the same reason as my answer to q28

42 : what’s your favorite title that you’ve come up with?

if i says swapped one m- my favorite title is the one for swapped! "the waves of the sea (to change or to leave be?)" is pretty cool cause i did reference the ocean a few times in the fic so yeee

43 : is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

i really want to write that botanist!wilbur & naga!tommy thingy, also the fake fic title thingy with tommy as a test subject that ends at different heights during the day depending on the tests,,, i think that'd be cool! also the one where sapnap noms george and just constantly irritates him LMAO

55 : have you noticed any patterns in your fics? words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

i write giants/humans curling their fingers around the edge of a counter a lot, no idea why

57 : how conscious are you about including symbolism or foreshadowing in your fics?

i'm pretty conscious of it, but there have been a lot of times where i accidentally add things like oh shit i didn't even mean for that to be foreshadowing or symbolism but it works!

75 : is there a particular fic that readers gravitated towards that you didn’t expect?

hhh not really, i usually know what'll do well and what probably won't. but i wasn't really expecting hush to do so well! and i sure as hell didn't expect any of my fics to hit 100+ notes asjfjsd

answered these in this post!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS DFJGEJSDFFJSD

[chibitantei]

@thedetectiveofinaba sends: 3, 4 and 18 for Naoto and Yosuke!

canon questionnaire. | Open (includes my other muses if you know who they are)

3. What’s the best thing about the show/series/books/comics/etc.?

The joys have the series having anime adaptations, manga adaptations, a fighting game, rhythm game, some weird chibi 3DS games and a JRPG as canon. 

For the series overall, I’d say the identity of each game is some of the strongest I’ve seen. Every entry is distinct and while I have themes and characters I like more than others, they still stand out as unique compared to the millions of other media I see and forget. I’ve dismissed half of the main P5 cast for being boring and just anime™ characters, however, they’re still more defined and possess depth compared to most anime I’ve seen and I’ve seen a lot. The PT’s struggles can actually make me feel things, wow!

For both of them, I would say that their Social Links are some of the best parts of their character, since you’re given the opportunity to know them more. Yosuke’s shifts focus onto Saki rather than him around the middle, but I didn’t really mind because you know, we kinda need to resolve that point lmao. Naoto’s, I did not like at first because it didn’t seem to match with the struggles her Shadow talked about, but after 3 rewatches, the subtle hints finally started hitting me.

Best SL is Naoki’s though, don’t @ me.

4. What’s the worst thing about the show/series/books/comics/etc.?

I think the pacing in Golden is kind of shit. There are a lot of things that Golden improved upon and some of the extra content is good, like the beach event and the ski trip, but some of those extra scenes are just terrible. Like just knowing that a whole day I could have used to train the party or raise a Social Link is being eaten up by that stupid ass Okina Babe Hunt Yosuke suggested is fucking painful. Not only that, but it’s kind of a bad fucking scene for Yosuke’s character overall. There are a number of scenes in Golden that butcher his character, so I understand completely when people see him as a huge fucking asshole and hate his guts (not that he was saintly in the OG P4).

In general, there’s a problem where Golden flanderizes traits of a character for comedy and it’s just Bad. (I also think the Junes Concert is also a waste of time and one of the few things I’ll give the manga credit for is managing to tie it in with Rise’s Social Link.)

As for Naoto, some of the writing in P4 with her pretty questionable, but nothing pisses me off more than the almost universally despised Persona x Detective Naoto novel. I’ve seen people describe it as “Naoto learns to accept the patriarchy as correct” and honestly? yeah.

It’s bad. I hate it. Don’t even mention it near me unless you want to hear about how much I fucking hate it.

18. How long have you been writing the character?

I’ve written for Naoto since... 2018, but the first iteration of her was just terrible, that’s all I’ll say. She only really came to tumblr in 2020 and she was a little rough too. I shaved off quite a bit of her more unpleasant traits because I knew I was going to be writing with other people and I didn’t want to drag people into 20 long threads of making her be less of a bitch, but as you can see now, I’ve added plenty of flaws and she’s a polite jerk. She’s gone through a lot of improvement and my blorbo deserves nothing but the best so give me some Naoto centric fics please I am begging you.

I started with Yosuke in early 2019, but he was on and off compared to Naoto. If I wanted an ‘easier’, less troubled person to write, I would go to him. The way I write him is different from Naoto’s, so he worked as a way to reset myself if I couldn’t figure out how I wanted to write Naoto. I didn’t fully write him until 2020, when I made his blog. That being said, Naoto still takes up the brain cells so tough luck getting me to shift my focus to him (or my other muses for that matter... I miss you Dojeema).

[amariemelody]

For the fanfiction ask game, if you don’t mind?

13, 34, 35, 69, 75

Thank you!💜

Oh, wow...never got an ask game that I didn't reblog myself before. Uhh...cool and thanks! Here we go!

13. Do you listen to music while you write?  If yes, what have you been listening to recently?

Oh, absolutely! I couldn't write without it and I often listen to get into the mood/emotions of the scene I'm writing and otherwise to concentrate. Other times, I don't listen to any music or even any TV show or movie in the background

Recently, I confess I've been listening to a lot of my Ed Sheeran and Unk radios on my Pandora. Ahh, I just put All My Business out in the streets now...

34. How much of your personal life/experience do you include in your fics?

Hmm...not...a whole lot, now that you got me thinking about it? I mean, I only write w/characters of color front and center, if not a huge part of the narrative.

I guess I don't really write from my own life experiences, but the fantasies of what I'd love to see happen and what comforts me and, I hope, a lot of my readers.

35. What’s your favorite fic you’ve posted?

Alas, that would be a fic that I haven't updated in a long, long minute: my With Harlem Lights series, particularly the prequel. I miss writing Rhodey and Tony somethin' awful, I swear!

69. What are your favorite fics at the moment?

Ahh, I've been re-reading books more often, and that would be Alyssa Cole's An Extraordinary Union...for the 3rd time. I be re-reading it while on my lunch break at work. Don't nobody judge me.

75. Is there a particular fic that readers gravitated towards that you didn’t expect?

Yes-my SamBucky/Winterfalcon Then There's Rainshowers fic. My god, I've talked about this before but I literally was going to give up on writing that fic the whole way through. I had no idea it would blow up the way it did and, to this day, it's still the only fic that ever really blue up my inbox and notifications.

I guess I thought no one would care for it because I thought it was kinda all over the place, especially with the smut at the end, and there's...little to no angst (like really almost all my SamBucky fics, now that I think about it!), which I thought people really require for a good, basic SamBucky fic.

People still gush and gush about it, though, and I think I have well over 500+ kudos and every time someone recommends it, the stats on that fic just keep growing and growing.

So I'm really, really glad I didn't just scrap it and posted it instead. So glad people like it!

Thanks again for these questions, Nonny, and I hope you have a great Spring and Summer!

[hollandorks]

*cracks knuckles*

The last chapter was so amazing I needed to take a day to collect myself (is what I'm gonna say even though the actual reason is that after I read the chapter, I had to skedaddle to decorate my graduation cap). I'm sorry if this is short, I have to go to sleep soon.

First, though, I have to share this song because ever since I listened to it, I've thought of Bruce Wayne and this reader and MOTN. It's called If You Let Me by Beth Crowley. It makes me soft the same way Bruce makes me soft.

Okay, getting into it. The reader calling the gala secretary SENT ME. Absolutely sent me. I thought she at least talked to Bruce before just calling them up like "hey, he's coming with a plus one and he's donating". Poor Bruce was probably so stressed when he was overhearing everything like "what do you mean i have to leave the house". And the secretary's definitely gonna get a raise from her boss for "getting Bruce Wayne to come to the gala" even though the reader called them up like nobody's business.

Also the reader snapping her hands at Bruce. I already talked about the dynamic shift from employer to partner, but I still love to see it. We love pairings where two people are equals.

Alfred must be so happy that Bruce is leaving the house though. Just as a side thought. Probably so happy Bruce met his match through the reader, who just forces Bruce to do things he doesn't want to, including taking care of himself. At this rate, he might even be able to go on vacation one day. (If he could get Gordon to babysit)

“You’ve known about me for all of a week and you’re already–already–meddling.” He threw his hands up in the air. She’d never seen him so flustered. It was…endearing. “Why are you smiling?” He punctuated the question with a frown. 

“Because I’m aggravating you by helping, and it’s funny.”

SOFT SOFT SOFT SOFT

This whole story makes me soft.

Bruce could never be mad at the reader. He can worry and get annoyed, but he'd never get truly mad at her. I love that so much. So. Much.

His eyes dipped to her lips then back up.

JUST KISS HER.

The tombstone scene. I loved every bit of it. Hits a little close to home, but that just makes it better. (My mom is very much alive, just political stuff making it feel close in regards to a different person)

Alfred laughed again. “I have to admit, it’s…nice to share this with someone. Here, let me show you.”

YES ALFRED. The reader's really here giving everyone in Wayne Manor free therapy. Now if only she could give herself free therapy—

On the screen, the motorcycle swerved slightly. 

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Bruce got a little jumpscare. I love that. Serves him right. Karma for all of the times he gave Gordon a heart attack.

“You keep getting in the way–” he started. The words were a direct hit to her chest. She sucked in a sharp breath at the pain of them. Oh. 

“No need to feel guilty, I’ll be out of your hair sooner rather than later,” she said scathingly to cover up the sudden tears in her eyes. “I won’t be a burden for you much longer.” 

These two—

I love the lover's quarrel. The Bruce realizing what he said and trying to take it back, but not being able to because Maxwell wakes up (GODDAMN IT, MAXWELL—It's not enough you kidnap the reader and try to control Bruce, but now you have to get in between their love story? SHAME. SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON YOUR FAMILY. SHAME ON YOUR COW.)

But also these two idiots need to just take a second. Just one. Breathe a little bit. And then confess. SECOND SONG RECOMMENDATION

wow you can really tell i have adhd from my responses

Just--

the fact that these two would do anything for each other. They would move heaven and earth and hell if the other just asked. Hell, even implied they wanted them moved. It warms my heart.

I have to admit that whenever I think of Bruce I think of your rendition of him. The soft, would do anything, just a little misguided man, Bruce Wayne. He's just THE Bruce Wayne for me. I love how much you show the amount of love Bruce has in his body and the way you show how it scares him, but how he still wants it there.

He's definitely in the process of learning how to accept loving someone, which is why he made the little misstep of saying the reader got in the way. He was terrified, and rightfully so, so he tried shoving it away before quickly realizing that wasn't what he wanted. Bruce never wanted to hurt her or imply he wanted her gone; he just wanted her to be safe, so he doesn't have to be afraid of loving and losing her so much.

That being said, of course, if it wasn't this, he'd worry about something else being the cause of loving and losing her. That fear doesn't go away, no matter what she does. It's just inherent to the love and it has to be accepted, to some degree.

Like, he should still definitely call out when the reader is being super reckless. Because she is. But he'll get better at doing that lovingly in time.

You're amazing, Shelby! I have to go to bed, but I love you bestie!

⌨

Okay first you're graduating?! Congratulations!! That's huge!! I'm proud of you even though I barely know you. What did you decorate your cap with? My college didn't allow that so I'm always jealous of seeing other people's decorated ones 😂

Um first that song is inspired by Chain of Gold???? I FUCKING LOVE CHAIN OF GOLD. I have yet to read Chain of Iron, but I still love it 😂 That aside, wow the feelings from this song 🥵 It made me soft too. 😭 Just posted another ask where I wanted slow dance song recs and this one fits!!!

Nope, she didn't talk to him because she knew it'd be an argument! 😂 Better to get him cornered. That secretary is 100% getting a raise once Bruce's donation comes in and they see it isn't a prank.

I actually have a future scene in mind about the whole vacation thing (sort of) but I won't comment on it. But, tiny spoiler, it's in the epilogue of the sequel. You'll know it when you see it. 👀

"Just kiss her" the theme of the whole fic! JUST KISS DAMMIT. Just had a bizarre image of Alfred being like Sebastian in the Little Mermaid singing Kiss the Girl 😂

I 100% had karma in mind with that jumpscare. My head canon (only because I haven't actually written it), is that the reader starts trying to scare Bruce constantly. Because I do this to my husband 😂 he hates it, but I think it's so fucking funny.

I love a good miscommunication and interruption! I mean obviously I have to draw out the angst because I'm sadistic like that 😅

That second song!! So! Accurate! Inspired by the Infernal Devices?! One of the only love triangles I have ever respected. Ever. (Although don't get me started on the Clockwork Princess epilogue. I Have Thoughts. Still love the books though. Basically if you've read any of these books you're my bestie for SURE now.)

And yes even if it was merely implied they wanted heaven and or hell moved, the other would do it. Very accurate!

And wow what a compliment that my Bruce is the Bruce for you 🥺 I do try and keep him rooted in canon, so hopefully that's why you love him! He 100% made that comment out of fear and also just not knowing how to love someone or articulate that love.

They definitely have some work to do in (lovingly) calling out each other's reckless behavior! This is definitely something I want to explore in the sequel 👀

Thanks bestie!!! I love you! Also when is your graduation?? Good luck!! You did it! 🥰❤️