#and I've minimized myself to the point I don't know who I am anymore and neither do they

[fruitysoupy]

🕳️

[cancerstanople]

We need to talk about the gaslighting that comes with growing up marginalized.

For as long as I've been able to communicate my lived experiences in words, I've had those experiences minimized, disregarded, contested. Because I perceive the world differently than those around me, my view of the world isn't treated as real.

As a result, Im unable to trust my own instincts. Whenever I share something about myself, someone has always talked over me, tried to tell me otherwise, as if they have the authority to override my memories. And because of that, I no longer recognize myself as the one in control.

I first noticed this in regards to my neurodivergence, when I saw how other people read social cues compared to how I viewed them. Allistic people are constantly fighting me about what I mean behind what I say, because they don't think literally about other people. I'm constantly fighting neurotypicals, trying to make them understand that I'm real.

Then I noticed it when I talk to white people about race. I've yet to have a conversation with a white person about race without them getting defensive, protective over what's not even theirs. How badly they want to use AAVE, steal from black creatives, let them into BIPOC spaces without them budging an inch. They insist that they're not racist, no matter the circumstance. The White Lives Matter crowd imply that the motive of BLM and modern civil rights movements is not liberation or even equality, but malice and superiority. Constantly fighting me about something they don't know a damn thing about, and me constantly having to remind them I am real.

With men, and how they feign incompetence so women will do something for them. How they take up everyone else's space, without regard for anyone else's discomfort. How quickly they point blame at victims of rape and assault.

With cis people, their insistence that trans people only exist to hurt others. That we're predators, or we're prey of a mass brainwashing conspiracy, that we're confused, that we don't understand reality. The underlying theme of it all being that the way we experience the world cannot be it.

It's gaslighting. It's people telling you you're crazy, you're wrong, you're lying, you're misremembering. It's gaslighting for years and years by everyone around you, until you don't know who to trust anymore, not even yourself.

If you're cis, straight, white, a man, neurotypical, or any other of the "default settings," how quickly did you start telling yourself "I'm not like that. Not everyone like me is like that." Of course, I must clarify that not every man is an evil lying bastard and not every white person is a Nazi, but the fact that I feel I have to clarify this. The fact that it's so commonplace for people to respond to ideas that cause any sort of discomfort with anger, hostility in the hopes of absolving themselves of guilt. It's telling.

How much longer do we have to keep fighting? How much longer do we have to prove to the world that we exist, that we're real, that our lives are not lies we made up or hallucinations all in our heads? Because I've been fighting for at least since I've started speaking, and the odds have been stacked against me for centuries before I was born.

I'm tired. I just want to be real.

[icantscreamwhycantiscream]

I'm gonna fucking vomit

I'm so stressed out

Like big time stressed out

Like fuck

Packing. Moving. Breaking lease. My cat is missing. One of my friends is making me her relationship therapist. The other is crashing out and doing every drug they can get their hands on while mourning a great loss. My right leg is literally swelling from the amount of pain I'm in. I didn't sleep last night. My room is a mess. The vibrator for my charger is missing. I'm out of weed.

I'm all out of weed...

😭 fucking take me out back and tell me to look at the trees when you blast my brains open

I'm this close to relapsing. Idk. I also drank my last bottle of vodka all night and now morning. I wanna cry. I wanna rot. I wanna check out. I can't be here anymore. But also I can't because if I leave that all to my boyfriend to do, while I just stare at a wall, I'd probably feel so shitty I'd want to kms even more like wtf do I do???

I'm at a point where I've scheduled a therapy appointment with someone who specializes in EDMR but also if I have to go another day feeling like this I might strip naked and set myself on fire in the parking lot, ya know????

I want to die lolololol

Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck everything. Fuck shitty ass neighbors who threaten your animals and shitty friends who never ask how I'm doing. Like I love these people so deeply yet feel so hurt and rejected all the time. I've known some of my friends since kindergarten to highschool. And I have always been the therapy friend. Even when I am going through it I acknowledge my pain isn't as bad as everyone else's and I minimize myself and make myself small and shove myself to the sidelines because what I am going through right now is laughable compared to everyone else's bullshit. But it's ALWAYS like that. My shit is ALWAYS nothing compared to everyone's bullshit. When's my big mental break down??

Ugh I deleted like half of my rant cause it's dumb and nothing matters dude. I don't matter. It doesn't matter. And I've been trying to make everything not mattering a positive thing lately but holy SHIT is it slowly killing me.

If you read this far sorry for disappointing you. Idk how to finish a post properly.

[shxmali]

July 21, 2024

It’s crazy how much life changes.

I wish I could go back

And tell my younger self how much better it gets. I used to be really sad. Everything truly felt like the end of the world. I went through so much and I had to do it by myself. I was so young experiencing such big feelings. Growing up is hard and I wish, things could have been different. Now I'm not as sad anymore. Maybe it’s from being numb all these years and developing a villain arc after everything I've been through. But maybe it’s from healing and learning forgiveness. I've learned you can't go through life constantly always starting over on the guise that you know how to swim. YouIl always be stuck starting over again and again and again until you figure out how to make it work with the people who are already in your life. In the last few years I lost a few friendships because when I would get into a disagreement on a trip I would escape and go back home. I didn't realize now much this would upset my friends, I saw it as me taking care of myself and doing what I had to to survive. But that's the problem, I've always lived life in survival mode. I'm learning how to relax and accept change in its raw and chaotic form. I think my anxiety with change is that I fear regret. What if I made the wrong choice? But you have to trust god with these things.

A lot is changing in my life right now. I finally graduated my bachelors and am starting my MBA program in a few weeks. My relationship is slightly at a cross roads at the moment. We've gotten to a point where we need to decide what we are doing here and figure out if we are wasting each others time. It’s hard when you've been with someone for almost a whole decade. How do you let go of your youth and entire childhood? But I want to feel love strongly and passionately and I know it’s not possible anymore. I try not to give it too much of my energy because my anxiety begins to consume me. I already hindered myself enough with my relationship dispair throughout the years. I wish I could tell my younger self that no one feels as deeply as you. You see the world as an extension of yourself when you are an extension of the world. We are all here just trying to have a human experience. no one cares if they hurt your feelings, and if they do, one day they won't anymore. You must learn to be ok with that.

Being Persian is hard. There's so much pressure to be the best at everything because there's like 20 other Persians who are an achieving so much more than you are. Everyone minimizes your entire existence down to one low moment or time period. I want my children to be Persian so badly, I want them to grow up with the culture the way I did and be fluent in Farsi. But I feel like no Persian guy will be with me or take me seriously until I find a job and/or get my MBA which ever happens first. My family doesn't come from money, I don't have a good job, or a family with a good reputation, and unfortunately those things matter to Iranians. This is why I don't even have Persian friends because I feel like an underachiever compared to everyone else. I feel insecure about my past and family situations.

I just hope I find this post again in five years and all the things I'm worried about have found a resolve and I laugh at the fact that I ever questioned if everything would ever be ok. I hope I'm happy and finally find the peace I've been chasing for what feels like lifetimes at this point. Maybe by then I've learned how to adapt to change in a way that aligns with the path god has chosen for me. I want everything to happen to me the way it happens.

[chili-mango]

Feeling much better after going on vacation for a few days with my family. I hope you had a decent 4th.

I'm recovering from the low I'd been in post bad date, and I'm not craving you or feeling depressed & grief-stricken as much anymore. If anything, I've regained a little bit of my indignance, remembering exactly how badly you let me down when I needed a partner who could help take care of me. How alone & abandoned I felt, trying to make sure our lives both ran smoothly.

I say that, but it doesn't feel like there's much heat behind it anymore. I WANT to be mad at you, because being mad is easier than what I really am, which is heartbroken. And a little scared.

If you can't be the partner I need, that means I have to go through the fucking slog of LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Someone who I don't already know, like, and find both attractive & comfortable to be around. I'm going to have to put the work into finding & training up another partner, and that entire process is exhausting to think about.

I CHOSE you. I LIKED you. We had history, we had common ground. We'd already put in a decade of the hard work of getting to know each other & figuring out how to (mostly) fit our pieces together. You were 99% of the way to being everything I could ever want. Love & friendship & comfort & shared in-jokes & well-worn routines. I love you.

Maybe one day that will be past tense, but it's not, yet. But being your life-partner ended up just being about YOUR depression & YOUR disability & YOUR discomfort and confusion when it came to having to interact with society. Whether that be other people, or employers, or bureauocracy, or what. And it's not like those things aren't challenges, or aren't BIG challenges. I'm not claiming it "shouldn't be that hard" or you "should stop struggling," or any of the other things you'd hear when I tried to point out how badly I was feeling deprioritized. I am merely trying to point out that I DID feel deprioritized, because it felt like the priority was always "How do we (read: I) get through the next month of bills? What do they have on their to-do list at the moment? What tasks are urgent? Which can be put off? Hoe many spoons do they have today? Are they in a good enough mood that we can try and get some work done?"

I recognized things were hard for you, and I tried to study WHY things were hard for you, anticipate potential triggers, & then address or remove those triggers before you had to face them. I understand now that that was, unintentially, robbing you of the opportunity for you to gain a sense of self-competency in overcoming obstacles. But considering how many times you told me that I was minimizing how hard this all was for you, or that forcing you to "just do it" would only cause a meltdown, I hope it's at least understandable why I started feeling like I had the most success in helping you accomplish the things you expressed a desire or need to accomplish if I helped make challenges a little easier for you. It seemed like you were more willing to attempt things & had more success attempting things if I lowered the difficulty first.

Apparently all exhausting myself trying to manage two lives did was hurt you more & teach you learned helplessness. Fuck me I guess. Try to help, end up hurting.

I forget where I was going with this. "Our relationship was mostly about prioritizing the things you needed or wanted to do," I guess.

I'm tired now & I've just made myself heartbroken again. I'm going to bed.

[piecesofmicorazon]

for beautiful bee

bee..

when we first broke up in december i thought i was doing the right thing. it was true-- i wasn't in a good place mentally, i had so much i wanted to work on and grow from. i truly did feel like my feelings started to change and i started to see you as "more of a friend."

and i should've known this from the first time we tried to break up and i had that shrine set up in my bed for you lol. it was so painful. to think about a life without you as my bee so so painful, and i couldn't even fathom it. but i thought it was just the initial feelings, and that i had made the right decision.

a few months in, the winds started changing and i felt like i wanted to go experience the world, with whatever that consisted of. at the time, meeting new people had intriguied me and so did the way of the world. rebounding after a breakup, dating around, figuring out what you like, living my best single life, etc. i felt like those things were caught my interest and so i wanted to be open minded to that.

obviously that has led me to do some stupid things and make reckless decisions that i'll have to live with. and i know it's one of the few things that has led us here now.

something that i've learned about myself over these months is just how easily i am shaken. i am not a sturdy person, i don't actually know what i want, and i don't take the time to think about it. instant gratification is what i crave the most -- quick decisions that have minimal commitment. shiny new toys intrigue me and i am scared of missing out, and i am constantly blown and tossed by the wind. and after it all, i am always left unsatisfied and empty. i feel like i'm always chasing what i think is going to be fun or what everyone else is doing, i do not live my life intentionally, and i wonder if i truly know who i am and what i want. i am constantly thinking about how i look, how others will perceive me, and i have never felt like i could fully be myself.. except with you.

you are this rock in my life, so stable and consistent. you are always by my side and supporting me. no matter what i do and no matter what i choose, you have cheered me on. whether it's something as stupid as playing angry birds, my pottery journey, working at milk and pull, hosting parties, my acne journey, building my lego sets, and everything in between -- you have been there supporting me.

when i think about a life with you, it is peace. i have never been able to be in the most chaotic and unpleasant settings, but feel so happy at the same time if you're there. when we sat in that airport for 8 hours and the plane ended up being cancelled, i was just happy to be there with you. with you, i feel like the world is beautiful and i can do anything. even the worst days, with you by my side. feels like a good day. i am so sorry that i ever tried to let it go.

bj, i am so scared. i'm scared that things are serious with you, i'm scared of all the things that come with that. i am not good at commitment and like i said earlier, i am always chasing the next new thing, new shiny toys, but i don't want to anymore. i do feel like i've experienced enough to know that this right here... this is it. but i'm still scared. i'm scared about the conversation i'll have to have with my mom again, scared that we will be long distance, scared to hurt you again, scared to fully let myself be in this relationship.

i know by any means you are not asking me to get married tonight and i am trying not to overthink anything. but i do want to be intentional with what i'm doing and what that truly means.

over the past 4 months, i have broken no contact every single time. to the point where i emailed you, and i have never thought i'd be that girl emailing someone lol. i've only heard about that on twitter fr lmao. but it has shown me that i truly cannot stay away from you. and i don't want to.

i know our relationship will never be the same and there are many new things we will need to work past. but i want to do all of those things. i want you to feel so loved and seen and heard, just like you make me feel every single day.

when i messed around with parris, it was easy for me because it was no committment and quick. it was never someone i would've pursued and that's why i was able to do it. it was a moment of "fun" that i wouldn't need to think about the next day. causal hookups were never my thing but i thought maybe this is what i wanted. that experiencing the world and "figuring what i like" entailed doing these things, and he was an easy target. it wasn't love, it wasn't even close to like, it was just there. i know it's so strange and disgusting to believe i could've done those things while still being involved with you. and truly, even i am in disbelief with myself that i was capable of such a heartless act. there is no logic and i won't sit here trying to explain myself to you. but i truly do think it was because i wasn't emotionally involved with him and i knew i never would be. it didn't mean anything to me and it held no value or importance in my heart, and i could forget about it so easily. it was shocking for me as well to come to this conclusion, because i feel like in the past even if i made eye contact with someone for too long, i'd get attached lol. but i think that's why it intrigued me so much and it was almost like an experiment to see if i was suddenly this person who was able to do casual. and perhaps thats why i kept doing it, almost as a test. low risk and easy to forget.

this last time it happened, yes it happened a few days after we broke up. but this time i wasn't grieving you, this time i wasn't heartbroken, i wasn't thinking about it. i thought it was really over, and because we broke up so many times, i was just over it. i was over myself and my stupidity. i hated myself for doing the whole back and forth so many times, for constantly fucking up, for still being interested in dating other people, and all those things. so when i saw him a few days later, i guess i just decided to go do the things i wanted to break up for. i wanted to date around right? i wanted to have more experiences right? find out what i like right? and i genuinely thought you and i weren't going to speak, i thought we were done done done. so i did some stupid shit and figured i would deal with the consequences.

but it didn't take long for my heart to realize the things that i've been constantly realizing. at the end of the day, and the end of it all, in the midst of it all -- it's you. i wanted you here with me. i wanted to be with you. i was thinking about you. and there was no one else i wanted to be with.

so i emailed you from multiple emails, i dm'd you on twitter, i messaged you on whatsapp. all the avenues i knew you'd left open for me, for emergencies, and there you were. and there you were my sweet girl. and here we are now.

i am so sorry that i am so young, naive, immature, and inexperienced when it comes to dating and love in general. i'm sorry for everything i've put you through with these 4 months, for all the back and forth and heartbreak you've had to deal with as i was figuring myself out. i know ideally we would've done no contact from the start and even though i would've come to this same conclusion, at least i wouldn't have had to drag you through the process. but here we are. i am glad that i never lied to you and was honest about everything, and i know you are too. yes, ignorance is bliss, but it's also false peace sometimes. when you would say things like "i look so stupid, i look like an idiot, etc." i never thought that, because it was always you and it was always going to be you. i'm so sorry that my actions didn't reflect it. but despite it all, it has led me back to you.

to know basic love in this lifetime is rare and extraordinary, but to know your love is beyond my wildest dreams. far beyond what i deserve nor did i ever think was a possibility. and i will do my best to show you that same selfless and astounding love.

i know as of recent, the conversation has shifted towards reciprocality. how you feel like you are always giving 200% and i am barely giving 50%. i don't want you to feel like that and i will try my best to make you feel like i'm giving 200% too. if that means working from your house during the week sometimes, watching antz, or even watching a few episodes of the L word... i will do it. well... i'll try my best 😬

i want to do all these things for you bee, i want to be the person that you deserve, i want to love you loud and fearlessly. but i would be lying if i said i wasn't scared. i'm scared that i will not live up to what you deserve, that i'll keep failing, and breaking your heart. i cannot bear to break your heart again, and to see you this distressed because of me these past few months have been absolutely agonizing. to know i caused it is something i will never ever forgive myself for.

i will do my best to get you to trust me again, to build and restore what was ruptured. with my words and my actions.

when it comes to being intimate-- i know it's been a struggle for me. and i am still trying to figure out what the actual issue is so i can fix it. but truly believe me when i say this, please believe me: that it has absolutely nothing to do with you or what you did/didn't do. you are so beautiful, sexy, attractive, well-groomed, and the most put together person i've ever met. you take care of yourself so well, always smell good, and i have never experienced mindblowing pleasure from anyone else but you. i am so sorry my lack of intimacy has made you second guess yourself, question your worth or attractiveness. but please know it was never about you, it's an internal and mental issue for me.

i am going to work on rebuilding intimacy and what that really means. i really want it to work, i really want to try. to rebuild that.

i know another factor that we will face is you moving away. it's only a matter of time where you will be gone and i will not have physical access to you. i can't just take a 10 min uber to come see you. in some ways, i feel like it could be good for us. like we spoke about recently, we have always had our independence despite being in a relationship. we've never lost our own selves, and i think we could take it one day at a time.

i still have selfish tendencies and that has been made so obvious during this time. i haven't thought about anyone but myself and i have prioritzed my needs/wants this whole time. i always think about that trip to DC we took to go to ruqaya's -- where we went to mcdonalds and i said that i didn't want to go back and hang out with those people. that moment of realization where you so kindly told me how those were your friends that you rarely see, and how you would've loved even 5 more minutes with them... and how that wasn't even a thought in my mind. ever since that day, i have wanted to be more selfless, but it seems like i haven't grown too much huh.

you are it bee. it's you, and it's always been. i think everyone has known that, i'm sorry it took all of this for me to say it too. but i do wonder -- is love enough? will i actually do all the things i want to?

i want to and i will try. but is that enough? i'm scared.. i don't trust myself and i still feel like i'm a little kid who needs someone to guide me. to tell me what to do, show me the difference from right and wrong. i don't want to keep disappointing you or hurting you, and i'm scared that i will. that i will fall short or doing something without realizing how selfish it is. i almost wanted to just break up again to save you those possibilities. i don't think i can keep going if i hurt you again. for you to have stayed this whole time despite everything i've done alone feels so wrong. i wish someone would just shake you and say "what's wrong with you!!! leave her!!!"

even thinking about i chose to go out this weekend instead of writing this earlier. where are my priorities? will i be able to sacrifice the things i want, in order to prioritize you and us? do i even want to or think to? those are the things that scare me. because the fact is, that i didn't. i still chose to go to the party.

i wonder do we need more time? do i need more time to grow? to be the best person for you?

i don't know what the future holds but i know that i don't want to live a life without you. throughout this time, every single journal entry of mine has ended like this: "in every lifetime, i hope me and bj find our way back to each other." and here we are.

i love you so much bee. i have never loved someone like this nor did i think was a real thing. like i always say, since being with you -- all the songs make sense, the movies feel real, and colors are more vibrant. and that's something i feel confident about.

all i can really say is i'm so sorry for all the ways i've hurt you-- and i hope you know it was never intentional or malicious. i'm sorry for the way i have not held you heart with two hands, for all the selfish tendencies, and for not being able to let you go.

i want to live this life with you.

when i think about the perfect day it truly is just simply going for a walk with you. when i think about the best days of my life, it's laughing in the living room with you me and jordan, talking about everything under the sun. for once, i want to choose what i want and keep living in the moment.

i will try my best to give you 200% and to be this person that you truly deserve. because i want to and i want to be. there are many more obstacles to come but i hope we can go through them together. you are so beyond perfect in every way, i truly couldn't have even crafted you with AI.

sorry for just the biggest brain dump ever. i hope you read this a few times and hope you can understand why it's taken me so long to write this. there are still so many things i want to say and that i missed, but i pray we have all the time in the world.

as i wrap this up, one of my favorite songs is playing. and the lyrics go like this:

"You're one of the few things that I'm sure of You're one of the few things that I know already I could build my world on One of the few things that I'm sure of And I want you to unravel me Come closer, come closer"

with my jittery ass, there are not many things that stay stable/consistent in my life. friendships, hobbies, decorations, etc. i can never stay somewhere for too long. but you sweet girl, i hope you do. thank you for everything you've ever done for me, things seen and unseen. you have taught me what love really means, and i pray that i can give you even a fraction of that love.

i love you bj. it truly is you. 사라해 my sweet girl.

[c03xistentw01]

I don't trust anyone but myself. Also, I have no interest in showing any interest in putting my trust in someone in the foreseeable future either. I like going to the church cuz it's nice and quiet, not so many people to disappoint, not so many people who can disappoint you. Perfectly safe.

ugh I feel like I'm exponentially becoming bland and like everyone else, but on that note, Idk if it's just me or what but every time I meet someone of another nationality for the first time, I do see them as this tasteless-colorless-painfully-bland beverage but tbf, in most cases this feeling disappears and gets replace by the feeling of seeing them somewhat as a spicy Vin brulé. but no wait.

this doesn't happen quite often. Actually, they must really be something if this happens.

~

I do need to expose myself more, career-wise. I deserve it, I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

~

when sepide told me you can go anywhere alone and you're actually able to put yourself in situations like that, she had a point. There are not so many people who can actually do that and I've decided to consider that a superpower. I don't wanna get used to anything in life anymore. Getting used to places/people/situations sure does bring you comfort and piece of mind but I can't forever be running away from the hard truth that nothing in life is permanent and I.can.not.deal.with.goodbyes. I wanna minimize the required farewells. some are inevitable I know and I'm not trynna avoid them that's actually even more prone to creating problems, I just wanna optimize the farewell-function loss function. That's it.

~

A bunch of thoughts i had when i was on the bike (now, not sure if they are actually worth being remembered {probably not, but it's worth writing them since I'll be LiBeRaTeD from them}:

why can't i just be normal and seek a normal job like in construction

Via Santa Margherita, what do they have in there? pizzeria? not a pizzeria but a galleria.

I saw a protein bar, guess where. GYM

I walked past a church, guess what i heard them say. JESU JESU

I choose any hardship in life over depression. there's a storm outside? Idc Let's go to Mensa. I think this sure is the correct order of my priorities: mental health, social interactions, physical health, career + academia

When i don't feel like myself, I figure that's when guys like me. when i do feel like myself that's when i feel like I'm strongly repelling them.

I saw a guy hurrying from across the street. didn't know where to, Later I learned was the owner of some washing-machine-store-thing, i was like dude why are u running it's just a bunch of washing machines nothing more.

[rimouskis]

I keep telling myself to stop writing confessionals on the blog—I find venting to the anonymous internet to just be a questionable coping mechanism, and one that's not rewarded me a lot in the past—but I'm just so deeply weighed down at the moment with limited ways to offload that weight offline.

I'm so, so frustrated professionally. I dislike showing up to work most days. the work is tolerable. my pay is okay. I'm so confident I've outgrown it. there is no way up for me there, there is no advancement, there are no more skills to be gained, only restrictions to be enforced as the superstructure continues its ruthless crackdown on variation across the [redacted] in the name of organizational equity. I simply cannot grow skills I want to grow there anymore. my beloved manager is gone. my best friends there have left. it's done.

I have to accept that all the jobs I applied to over the summer didn't want me. I'm not hurt over it (even though I'd have the right to be, as I listed a very personal, complicated project on my resume in the hope it would make me stand out) but I am beaten-down. every time I scroll job boards I'm just faced with the reality that there are so many jobs that sound like hell to me, and there are a much smaller amount of jobs I think I could live with... that I'm not qualified for. I simply don't have the professional background for these jobs, though I know I'm smart and resourceful and could do good work if I was trained.

what's been weighing on me is just... having seen my siblings line up their careers very neatly as they exited university, it's very obvious to me that my multi-year breakdown in college has had long-lasting effects on my life. though I walked out of college with the highest GPA out of my siblings, I also walked out with the least connections, the least work experience, the least amount of direction.

I don't envy them, because they're doing wildly different things than me, and I also love them more than just about anyone else, but it makes me grieve so hard over what I went through and what I "lost" that I might have had. university was the darkest point of my life. I still get so ashamed over the fact that I walked out of that place with no friends and no connections. I should just be grateful I survived, and "thrived" academically, but every time I sit down to do a job application I have to contend with the reality that I had no internships, no jobs, no references, because I was trying so hard to stay afloat. I didn't set myself up for success at all (besides surviving, which is important but feels minimal in hindsight), and now gaining experience in anything is so much harder.

my lack of direction in college was enabled by my privilege but also by how good I was at masking what I went through, and I know I should be grateful I just made it out, but I feel like I chopped off a mental limb during it. I feel so set back, so permanently delayed in my professional life. I have no experience in most any of the things I think I'd be good at, and I have no references to float me into jobs on my chutzpah alone.

there's plenty to be grateful for—I have it good, I live within my means, my work environment isn't toxic—but I've always been driven by a need to be exceptional. I know I'm capable of so much and I don't know how to get there. I want more than my survival needs met... I want to thrive. I love achieving things.

this has been made worse, I think, by how small my life is these days. I'm mortified when I call home and all I can talk to my parents about is work and my 3 weekly runs. I don't do anything else, and I know I should. I should join a fucking bowling team or try harder to make friends (even though I've always been sort of ... deeply monogamous with my in-person friendships), but the pandemic has put a damper on things... and my best friend, who was a large part of the reason I was able to move here, has been pulling away in preparation of getting engaged to her boyfriend sometime next year. the future approaches.

hell, even if my closest friend was able to hang out with me more, or if I had a club sport to join, I don't know that I'd have the time because I want to come home, I want to write, I want to tend to online friendships.

on that front, I've been dealing with a nasty case of writer's block for several weeks, so what would ideally be a haven from ~professional angst~ has become instead just another source of stress.

the unifying problem here is my own expectations for myself, which are sky-high and seemingly designed for failure. you'd think self-awareness about this would bring some peace; I regret to inform you that I suffer from But I Can Do It Anyways syndrome.

I hate my lack of direction. I hate feeling underutilized. I sort of hate that I expect professional rigor to fix that feeling in me. I hate that money is a motivating factor for me. I hate that I can't afford to travel places in the world. I hate that I can afford small niceties but have no shot at bigger ones. I hate that I don't have anything in my personal life to strive for except running right now. I definitely hate that I cried at work about this today, and I cried while writing most of this. I'm so often captured by the idea that I could be doing something so much more, that there's a more realized version of myself that I'm being kept from, and I haven't figured out how to get to her yet.

it'll work out. in the meantime, though, I'm pretty fuckin' sick of my own angst 😂I'm fine, I always have been, but that suspicion that there's something more out there ... it festers. it'll be better come morning.

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Fighting together' : New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Fighting together"

"I'm struggling to make sure that every of my friends will get through this !" Chapter Summary : Yirina is struggling to resist after her & Park's capture by the Perseus Collective as the 'first tests' are beginning soon about her....she needs to stay strong....

To read it on AO3, click here !

Words : +3700

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I was back alone in that cell with nothing to do and the only thing I could do right now was to stay sit in that bed, having my eyes looking at the security camera and then looking around, observing the whole emptiness of my cell : an bed, an simple sink, an toilet out of the camera sight and that was it, nothing else. Not even an window was there, this place was surely going to make full crazy, been surrounded by 4 concrete walls and doing nothing while someone is watching me through an camera, I was locked down and I wasn't able to do an thing.

On me, I lost everything that could have help me to know what time is it, knowing only that one day has passed since we were captured. They took away my watch and without any window to take an look outside, it was sure that I will lost the sense of time, not even able to know which hour is it. This place is going to freak me out, I need to stay strong, Bell needs to be acting more even if it's going to be long. I need to stay more strong than before, they maybe want me to suffer but I will try to resist if I can.

As I was lamenting myself about my state, lying down in my bed, the door was making some noises, meaning that someone was opening it to enter my cell, getting my attention and when the door opened, I could see Freya herself, holding an plate in her hands, entering the cell. She was looking strangely good to me...too good to be true.

"What do you want ?" I asked her directly, moving on my bed to sit on the edge of it as she was walking to get in front of me.

"It's time to eat, Bell." She replied in an low voice, handing over the plate and discovering some sweets on it.

"Which time is it ?" I demanded too as I wanted to know about it even if it was maybe minimal for me.

"Almost the evening, come on, eat." She answered, putting the plate on the ground before taking an particular sweets on it to give it to me. "Those were your favorites, Kara-Koum." She explained as I was looking at the sweet.

"Why are you like this ?" I questioned her in an curious tone. "Why I am an important person to you ?" I added, pulling aside her hand.

"Bell..." She breathed in an painful desesperation, looking down but not even removing the sweet from her hand. "I hate to call you like that but I have no choices."

"But, that's my name, remember ?" I made her recall of that, remembering the calls I had with her. "You didn't forget that, didn't you ?" I continued, deciding to get back on lying down on the bed, looking at the ceilling, hands on my chest.

"We are trying to help you." Freya said, getting herself sit on the edge of my bed, next to my legs. "Please, let us help you."

"By locking me down ? By avoiding me to see my friend ? By maybe torturing me ?" I told her in an clear and dark voice, refuting the help she want to propose. "You all have an strange behavior in your group !" I rolled my eyes, even releasing an little silent laugh from my mouth.

"Listen..." She put her hand on my legs and for an first, I wasn't going to rebuke her at all, preferring to stay focused on watching the ceilling. "It's maybe unorthodox but helping you means that we can't allow you to roaming the place like that." She explained.

"I'm an prisoner, nothing important." I whispered, putting my eyes on her face.

"You're important to my eyes, Y-...Bell." She claimed, almost saying my name and her voice, she was sounding to mean it.

"That's why you kissed me on that plane ?" I asked her and her reaction was to look at the camera in shame.

"I knew that they were something wrong at the moment I saw you, that you weren't you." She revealed, thinking about the pain she had the moments after she saw me after these years.

"You almost killed me, you know that ?" I raised my voice, slowly redressing myself to have an better look on her. "My throat took days to recover but that's because we're enemies that you hit me." I added.

"You weren't yourself." She repeated to me, moving her hands to touch my face. "Yiri..." She silently said, feeling her fingers along my skin but instead of staying without moving, I looked away and got my back on the bed again, now facing the wall.

"Go, I want to be alone." I ordered her.

"You didn't even eat." She protested, hearing her taking the plate in her hands.

"I'm not hungry." I don't know why but I lied to her, sensing something wrong in those sweets. "Go now." I repeated again.

"We're helping you, be sure of it." She proclaimed as I heard her put the plate back on the ground. "I'm leaving them in case." She told me before she got up from my bed and then, walking away from it before I could hear the door getting closed, meaning that I was alone....again....

I quickly peaked my head to see if she was really gone, discovering the sweets plate next to my bed and looking back at the camera for an second before I faced the wall again, hiding my face from the camera as tears start to fall from my eyes, feeling the pain to play 'Bell' in here but....I've been playing it since the moment I stepped inside that base. Those tears were reals, it wasn't Bell at all, it was me....I need to stay strong....

As I closed my eyes to have some sleep in here, taking care to not hurt my wounded left arm on the bed, I was thinking of an lot of things before suddenly, I got myself transported....back on that hill....at Solovetsky....wearing my actual outfit. Is this some kind of an dream or an nightmare I'm living right now. I looked around me to discover behind me....myself & Adler himself, holding each other at gunpoint.

It seems that I was like an spectator, seeing that I wasn't even spotted by him & myself...what is happening ?....Then, two gunshots were done : one by me and one by Adler but at the moment the two bullets went to fly in their respectives directions, the world was suddenly like stopped by itself, watching the two detonations of our guns. No more sound, it was like the world stopped at the moment the bullets start to fly.

Then, as I was watching where my bullet that I shot was trying to go, me...myself moved from her position, acknowledging that I was here, no longer an spectator and putting an scare in me.

"You want to know where we hit him right ?" Myself....Bell said to me, getting her own M1911 back in her holstler.

"Uhm...." I was an bit shocked almost falling on my behind on the ground at watching myself....talking to me. "Is...I'm going crazy for sure." I affirmed, looking at my hands.

"We're all going crazy one day." Bell stated as she moved to face the sea and me, stunned and mostly shocked. "I don't know how to feel about that place, what about you ?" She asked me like if she was unaware of everything.

"You just saw it, Adler was going to kill me....us." I corrected myself, wondering if I really had to, she is me and I am her.

"I know but what do you think of here, without thinking of him ?" She repeated again, clarifying  her words as I was trying to get myself back to normal.

"I don't know." I replied honestly, slowly moving to get next to Bell. "This place is...calm...peaceful...I don't know." I added, deciding to sit on the edge of the cliff.

"He thought that it would make an good place for us to go away." She suggested, sitting next to me too, watching how I was 3 years ago, an non-existant scar. "He never thought at any second that we wanted to live." She continued, taking an deep breath.

"He took us our chances to have maybe an normal life." I exclaimed, finding it now normal to talk with myself from 3 years ago...Bell.

"Yes." She changed my words, causing me to look at her with curious eyes. "He did succeeded however, he just killed one person here." She breathed away. "Me." She whispered in an low voice. "Bell died that day, not you."

"But I'm talking to you, you're alive...in my head." I wanted to recomfort Bell but she wasn't grinning or pulling out an smile on her face.

"You're playing myself, that's different." She told me, sounding sad & strange and her words did hit me hard. "You thought at first that you were still Bell until your memories of your real life came back." She expressed, not removing her eyes from me. "Everyone around you proclaimed that you weren't Bell anymore."

"I know." I snorted, feeling an tear on my left eye.

"You kept yourself saying that Bell was no more you but there's still something that make you remember that Bell is still in you." She proclaimed, moving her finger to point at my chest.

"I still got his memories in me." I sniffed, thinking about 'my time in Vietnam'. "Am I becoming like him ?" I demanded to Bell who shook her head.

"No, you will never be like him, we're not monsters." She answered clearly, sensing the truth in her voice. "Dying an hero...or living enough to become the villain...."

"Must be what Adler was thinking about us at this moment." I suggested and Bell nodded to me, an little grin on her face.

"Yeah and look where you are now."  She told me, looking at my clothes. "Do you think that...Stitch or Perseus will try anything like we suffered ?" She asked me and she was sounding worried & scared.

"I wouldn't want that." I responded, looking down at the sea. "They are maybe going to hurt Park and I don't want that." I claimed loudly.

"We both don't want that, Yirina." She admitted, calling me by our real name. "Jess Blackwell & Yirina Grigoriev are the same person but they both loved Park." She affirmed, smiling as an tear fell from her left eye like me.

"That's not the only common point between me & you." I grinned. "Bell was acting like Yirina...careful, generous and protecting the innocents." I slowly nodded, the tear still present in our both left eyes.

"You're right but Bell doesn't really exist anymore to be honest." She expressed, sadly. "You make me live even if it's painful for you." She said before she got up to slowly return to her original position. "We're maybe going to talk later but now, you have to go back into the real world." She added as she took out her M1911 back in her hand.

"You know that you don't have to do this." I told her, closing my eyes only to think about what will happen.....

"I know but it's the only way to make you live."

I couldn't move myself to avoid that to happen but I closed my eyes when the gunshots occured and them...they did actually wake me up back on that bed, still on the same position, facing the concrete, my eyes still looking dry after having silently cried all night and having lived that troubling moment back on that cliff. Talking to Bell...to myself...I don't know how to really feel about it, it's troubling....

"Still playing the sleeping beauty ?" An voice broke me out of my thoughts, realizing that someone was watching me and when I turned around, I could see Sonya Kuzmin themself, standing up at an few meters from the bed.

"Have you been watching me ?" I asked them, my voice sounding like I didn't drink or eat something like 2 days now.

"No." They simply said, moving their right hand behind their back. "Seems that you didn't drink, listening to your voice, take it !" They told me as they gently throw at me an little bottle of water and even if I was suspicious, I couldn't resist to drink almost all of it. "Damn, you're thirsty as hell."

"I didn't drink for days, Sonya." I exclaimed, putting the bottle aside and passing my hands through my face to clean any traces of water next to my mouth.

"Freya said that you didn't eat last night." They expressed, sounding like worried in them. "You should eat, you know." They suggested, gesturing to the plate that was still there, next to the bed.

"Why are you worried about me ?" I asked them in an curious tone. "That doesn't seems your style, you're mostly rude to be honest."

"Is that an compliment ?" They demanded, crossing their arms to me and I couldn't help myself to smile as they took back my words from last day.

"Maybe..." I raised my shoulders as I finally decided myself to take an sweet in my hands to eat it...only one. "Why are you here by the way ?"

"I was tasked, along with Knight to bring you to the 'first test'." They answered, making me curious.

"The first test ?" I repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"They want you to have an talk with someone." They explained, uncrossing their arms and slowly walking towards me. "Can't tell you but you will know soon."

"And I guess that I don't have any choices ?" They nodded to me, biting their lips.

"Hey, Sonya, I don't have all time to be an fucking guard, move on !" I could hear Knight's voice outside the cell and in fact, he was standing next to the door.

"You heard the man ? Let's move on." They ordered, taking some handcuffs from their pockets as they approach me with it. "Show me your hands." They demanded and I showed my hands to them before they started to handcuff me. "Come on, let's not keep Knight and the other waiting." They breathed before they make me walk with them outside the cell.

It was looking to be my first time out of that cell as I was escorted by Sonya and the irish Knight away to the mysterious place they were bringing me to. I was nonetheless scared to be honest and each time we were passing next to an door, I was wondering where Park could be, fearing about her state and how is she. I just hope that she's okay in this shitty situation...I just want that for her, to be well & okay.

After an little walk inside that long building, also thinking about trying to see through an window to see the light of the day, we were arrived near an door that was kept by Freya & Stitch themselves, awaiting for us. They were looking about that test they are going to make me do, seeing by their faces.

"So, this is my first test !" I muttered, looking at Stitch with eyes that could say that it was stupid as Sonya was unhandcuffing me.

"We're going to see how advanced it is to make an evaluation." Freya explained and I narrowed my eyes, understanding that 'it' was meaning my brainwashing.

"You're going to have an talk with Adler !" Stitch directly said to me, making my eyes go wide....I was really going to talk with Adler himself, he was just behind that door and for real....

"And...what I will talk about with him ? Our capture ?" I asked them.

"Well, we will see how it goes." Stitch told me before he put his hand on the door handle. "Have an good talk, Bell." He scoffed as he opened the door, forcing me to get inside and discovering that it was an interrogation room with an window like an mirror at our side and in the middle of the room....Adler, sitting on an chair next to an table...almost wearing an part of the outfit he use back in that mall.

"Bell, what an pleasure !" He started with an grin on an part of his lips, his jaw almost fully bearded.

"You look like shit, Russ'." I joked about seeing him like that as I slowly moved towards the empty chair in front of him....was he acting in front of them or it was just him been him ?

"See that you didn't lost your sense of humor." He exclaimed, looking at me with great eyes with me sitting on the chair. "I heard that you were captured, an mission that did go wrong, right ?" He questioned me.

"No, we got sold out by Hudson." I replied, feeling the angriness in my voice.

"Hudson sold you out....why ?" He was sounding an bit shocked to hear that.

"Don't know, must be one of the numerous CIA bullshits that I had to face in my life." I said, putting my arms on the table and taking a quick look at myself on the mirror. "What happened to you ?"

"Oh, they're trying to make me suffer like I did to the one-eyed guy." He responded, not even sounding ashamed of it, even breaking an little laught of it. "They're trying but it doesn't work." He affirmed clearly.

"Still thinking about our missions in Vietnam ?" I demanded as he was looking thinkful on his face.

"Yeah, wasn't the easiest days to live." He grinned, stretching his arm around.

"We've been in Vietnam together, we've fought together, we bled together, remember ?" I told him back, having remembered his words to me long ago and he nodded.

"You did remember that well !" He snorted with an smile as in the inside, I wasn't getting happier to have an talk with him, even moving my right arm under the table to clench my fist. "Remember the time you did come out to me after that mission in Khe Sanh ?" I nodded to them, fainting to remember an event that is fake. "You literally told me that you slept with an french nurse an day before." He was really making up an story here and I had to get along it.

"Yeah, it was...I could remember it well." I whispered, slowly nodding.

"But at that time, we got importants things...we had an job to do !" He....he said it again for real this time and my reaction was to close my eyes for seconds, knowing the pain of hearing it, my ears hurting me as echoes of that phrase was heard by me. "You know that." He added as I reopened my eyes.

"Yeah, I fucking know that." I muttered in silence as I got up from my chair. "It wasn't my way, Adler." I started, realizing that...it wasn't Bell talking, that was my real thoughts coming out of my mouth. "You made me participate in that war that wasn't mine."

"It was always for the greater good, kid." He claimed, still hearing him back on that cliff. "If you didn't came in Vietnam, you wouldn't have an big career in the MI6....I made you, Bell." He affirmed.

"You know that you weren't obliged to do that, there were other ways to make me but not that war." I expressed my pain, obliged to still talk about Vietnam, acting like Bell would do. "Did you actually cared for me ? You almost left me to die back there." I pointed in an random direction that wasn't in the window way.

"Bell, it was always for the greater good." He repeated again with an smile, urged to be punched. "And like I told you...it was never personal !" He added, closing my eyes for 4 seconds, realizing that it was too late to back down.  "Bell, we have....." He was going to say before I decide to literally jumped over the table, fully decided to punch him.

I wasn't going to contain myself any longer with him in front of him. I threw myself in him, causing him to fall with his chair on the ground before I start to threw punches at his face, wanting him to suffer like I did years ago, like I'm doing right now. Each punch, I was getting more angrier than before. He make me suffer, it was my turn now. He was trying to defend himself with his arms but it was useless as each punch I was making was always in an different places....

"Quick, grab her !" I heard someone shout loudly as the door of the room opened with me still punching Adler until two persons got my hands on me, taking me back from Adler.

"Let me go ! Let me kill that son of an bitch !" I ordered in an rage as Freya & Sonya were in fact the ones to hold me back as Knight was moving to hold Adler back.

"I want to kill that british cunt, let me go, fucking Irish !" Adler was also angry at me as Stitch put himself between the two of us.

"Get her back to her cell and make sure she's okay !" Stitch ordered Freya & Sonya before he start to look at Adler and that Freya & Sonya was dragging me out of the room.

"Calm down." Freya suggested as in me, I was starting to replace my rage by silent cries, starting to cry for real as the two were putting me back into my cell and on my bed.

"Let me kill him..." I demanded but this time, I was mostly crying, almost pleading as I looked around, away from Freya & Sonya sight, the two were like worried about me....

"Freya, what happened ?" Sonya asked to her.

"I don't know but...." She started as she wasn't sure of what she saw in that room, having seen me in an big rage and now, crying inside and outside.....

"Adler did really broke her apart like she was nothing, he will pay for that one day !"

[elfyourmother]

this might be kinda out of the blue, but I've been wanting to make a Viera alt because I've always really adored the buns. Would you consider it okay for a lighter skinned/white person like myself to make a darker skinned character?

( I quite frankly feel uncomfortable as hell at the idea of making a pale skinned Viera as they weren't like that at all in original canon. Never really got why SE decided to make a whole white subtype just for ff14.)

you don't have to answer this question if you don't want to! was moreso looking for opinion if you're willing to give it !

tbqh I feel weird about these questions bc ultimately I can’t give you permission to do or tell you that you can’t do anything. to the point that i usually don’t answer these kinds of questions because I’m not trying to be somebody’s permission slip and trump card to be used in future arguments w other Black folk who might take issue (“well, Aurora said it was ok!”). just so we’re on the same page, know I am speaking solely for myself and my own opinions

but I’m answering because this is re: Viera and I am willing to speak my peace on it bc I am so tired of the whitewashing and the erasure of Viera Blackness that has happened in this game (really since FFXII). I keep quiet about it a lot of time because I’m old and too tired to be fighting w people anymore but it’s really Bad and it hurts as a Black femme to see some of the precious little rep we have had in the FF franchise get systematically demolished, so anything that pushes back against it even a little is fine by me regardless of who’s doing it; I don’t love Viera because they’re Black, but it helped!!

so like if you love Viera then make one! there is such a dearth of Black and brown female characters in the game. fortunately the flipside to the snow bunnies running rampant has been way more darker skinned female characters than I saw prior to ShB. So many times I have been the token Black female character in duty roulette. I can count on one actual hand the number of Black Femelezens in particular I’ve seen besides Gisele. But there have been many more Black ladies running around and it’s worth it to me even if I hate the bs.

I would suggest @writingwithcolor as a resource, look through their links and faqs regarding stereotypes to avoid. research like you would any kind of creative thing you’re not familiar with.

also accept that there will be people who straight up have a problem with it and they have a right to feel that way. there is the “brown paper doll” phenomenon of white folks making ambiguously brown characters for The Aesthetic or w/e, getting plaudits and cookies, but Not Too Brown. and fans of color with OCs of color never get the same kind of praise or positive attention. many of us feel pressure to conform with standards of whiteness in fandom. a lot of folks were sharing their experiences with that during pocwolweek last year. you may see people talking about their resentments; don’t be defensive, just acknowledge that comes from a very real place of pain and frustration. do what you can to minimize harm, boost writers and artists and RPers of color w their characters, engage with their work like you would anyone else.

and also realize that your experience as a white person playing a COC will not ever be the same. being raised and socialized as a Black woman there are things in MSQ that absolutely hit different, for bad (Magnai, Zenos calling you a beast all the time), and for good (the DRK questline absolutely Spoke to Me as a Black femme wrt the burdens we shoulder always with a smile and the resentments we’re forced to bury, etc.). I also experienced misogynoiristic sexual harassment in Duty Roulette once where somebody was going on about “gorgeous chocolate bunny” and I felt so degraded that I left after ripping the dude a new one in party chat and was 100% fine with eating the penalty. yes that would be nasty for anyone behind the screen but when it’s a reflection of the fetishization you experience irl it’s a whole other thing

so with all that in mind, You Do You. I have white friends and mutuals with some fantastic OCs of color. it can be done, and well. but do it in a thoughtful manner and try to be cognizant of the pitfalls and your privileges. and don’t do it for the clout, which I don’t think you are--Viera are fuckin awesome.

[krumbine]

It's time for a reboot.

As it turns out, I do this a lot -- literally, resetting my life after things have stopped making any sense. I'm 36 and twice-divorced -- it's hard to have a more significant reset than that, my friends.

It's been 18 months of this pandemic. 18 months that have seen a furlough, layoff, extended unemployment, shitty job interviews, the best job I've ever had, and the most professionally-creatively fulfilled I've ever felt.

It's been 18 months and I feel like I'm a different person. Which means it's time to take stock, re-assess, and reboot.

Because the thing is, I'm tired of apologizing.

I'm tired of apologizing for wanting to be safe.

I'm tired of apologizing for having the means -- remote work, good pay, and little life responsibilities -- to stay safe.

I'm tired of apologizing for living in Florida, home of the Freedumb Fighting Antivaxx, Antimask Covid-Denying Patriots who Vote Against Their Own Best Interests Even if it Kills Them (and Especially When it Does Kill Them). The COVID story in Florida is like a vinyl record with a DeSantis-sized scratch straight through it. We're repeating the same horrible events over and over and over again but Floridaman thinks the record scratch is just an intentional part of the beat.

I'm tired of apologizing for Florida, but this is where I am. This is where I own my house, and -- guess what?? -- this is where I have the means to stay cautious and safe, despite my governor's persistent, insistent attempts to murder all of his constituents through shit public health policy.

I'm tired of apologizing to work, family, and other insignificant strangers -- no, the petri-dish of infection rates and the capacity-breaking hospital system does not leave me comfortable stepping out of my bubble. Two shots of Pfizer is not a biohazard suit-of-armor when the rest of Floriduh's residents are practically spitting in each other's mouths.

(My general rule of thumb: when the transmission and hospitalization rates are low-to-insignificant, then it's safe out. What's the point of risking infection -- or literally anything else -- if you won't be able to receive the care you need at a hospital?)

I'm tired of apologizing. So I think I'll stop.

Here's the pattern: new circumstances are introduced (job, significant other, pandemic), I learn and adapt, I get comfortable in the new routine, and then I slowly find my way back to the important things.

For me, those important things have always been personal creative work that satisfies my soul.

That's the pattern, now here's the reboot: life either supports the creative premise or it doesn't. If it doesn't, fuck it (within all reason).

'tis the Season

Devilmas runs from October 1 through December 31. It's about the family you choose, zombies and horror films, getting drunk, high, and happy, and doing creative shit for yourself.

It's the anti-holiday season.

It's also the perfect time to reevaluate what's important and who you want to be.

In other words ... it's the perfect time for a reboot.

Along with no longer apologizing for having the means and the desire to not get COVID, here are the top three things I think about when reevaluating, dismantling, and rebooting my life.

Less is more.

I've already gone through several phases of minimalism, and mentally, I don't hold onto very much. I've lived in tiny houses and trailers, even though that home I'm not apologizing for has four bedrooms and is nearly 2,000 square feet. (There are still random drawers in the kitchen that are just ... empty.)

My brain is wired for minimalism, but it's not always at the forefront. A reboot is an excellent opportunity to recenter that priority. And while I'm not planning on downsizing my house or anything in it, I do have one exception to minimalism. This fervent and unapologetic tech fetish can definitely be put in check.

Minimalism helps me refocus from:

"Oooh, shiny new gadget!" to:

"Pay off the car. Pay off the house. This is the way."

More or Less

The last 18 months have been a strange tug-of-war with productivity (this will tie into my third point below). While unemployed, I doubled down on my personal creative work, mainly focusing on writing (adapting, rewriting, and polishing novellas, writing a mess of short stories, developing and writing a few drafts of a feature film for a friend).

Of course, when you're unemployed (as well as when you're freelancing), you're never really "off". This means that even though I hadn't worked for a year, it was still one of the most overworked and stressful times of my life. You know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, see above -- I'm not apologizing anymore, especially to people who simply lack the experience or the imagination (or the empathy) to be reasonable.

My point here is that, in the grand scheme of life, I wanted to find a space where I was okay doing nothing. Fuck productivity and just chill, literally at 100%.

And let me tell you: it's fucking hard. Maybe not impossible, but definitely hard.

Now here's the plot twist (more or less). The task of giving myself permission to do nothing is carefully balanced with an inexplicable kind of inner peace. It's literally a quieted mind and soul -- something that I only discover when lost in a meaningful piece of creative work.

This got me thinking that perhaps the illusion of productivity isn't so bad. (Obviously, this isn't a blanket statement. A lot depends on the person you are and if you struggle with our society's fetishization of productivity. If that's you, then please take this section with an appropriate serving size of salt.)

Productivity doesn't matter as much as how my chosen activities feed my soul.

Work is work is work, but if I can prioritize creative art that helps me lose myself for hours at a time, well, maybe that is being productive. Or maybe it's just doing what makes me happy.

Finally, nothing matters. Finally.

This is always the most valuable part of any reboot since it's foundational and spans all other concepts.

In 36 years, I've learned the hard way how to be a pretty chill human, but things still get to me. At work -- that best job I've ever had? -- frustrations still mount. At home, when something insignificant disrupts the status quo.

But the truth is that nothing actually matters. And that perspective helps put frustrations into their place.

We're all just a speck of dust hurtling through the cosmos on another speck of dust, and -- statistically speaking -- when compared to an infinitely expanding universe, humanity doesn't even exist.

Nothing matters.

Except for the things that do matter. Which is whatever the fuck I want those things to be. Because nothing actually matters.

Talk about life hacks that matter.

Cheers, motherfuzzers.

[dangan-happy]

(I want Mikan to have wheelies to escape her feelies. | I've never really done this before, but uhm.. I'd like a little comfort from Izuru, Rantaro or Nagito if that's okay.. also tw for s/h and a little self deprecating, though nothing too explicit. Sorry.)

I just.. accidentally triggered myself, I guess? A few years ago I stole my fathers swiss army knife and tried something stupid for the first time. I felt like a worthless whore and I know I did it for attention...I did it to be like a few people close to me. The thing is, I couldn't look at swiss army knives without thinking about it after that, but I thought I was over it. It's like how cheap plastic sharpeners made me think about it, but now it rarely happens. It's not like I did it many times, either. It's not like I enjoyed it or needed it. Maybe once or twice it wasn't so bad, and maybe I liked watching the color run down a little but it was punishment, and even if I feel like I hate myself I know I don't need to do that anymore. I just used that same swiss army knife to open a package and.. having it in my hand, all I could think about were my ankles. I'm safe, I'm not doing that again. But it just won't leave my head. I want to cry and hold on to someone but I don't.. want to talk about it with anyone. I feel disgusting for having done that and one time I tried again after a breakdown and I'm scared it'll happen again. I can't really say I'm working hard or doing my best, but I'm trying a little. I don't think I'll ever really do it again, and I know I can hold back if I just walk away for a bit, but I'm still scared that I'll stay and.. be awful again. I want to do better, for my friends. I don't want them to have to deal with me, I want to help them. So I guess..I should try helping myself, right?

Hey anon, don't worry about it. I'm a little more self deprecating than I'd like to be myself, and while those feelings aren't good, they're nothing to apologize for. Don't ever call yourself a whore, got it? You told me exactly why you did it, and that's sadly a really common reason that people try those things. You just wanted to fit in with the people around you, and that doesn't make you a whore at all. It was a bad choice yeah, but you know that and I'm proud of you for that. Yeah, I get it. That's  the thing with habits like this. Sometimes you think you're over it, and then out of nowhere you jump back into it out of the blue. It sounds like some of the objects you mentioned are visual triggers for those urges, so that might be something to keep in mind. I really am glad to hear that you didn't do it often. Yeah, I think you might have some psychological thing linked to doing it. Something like this always happens for a reason, it's not an action people do for no reason. Even if it's not the typical reason for it, it doesn't discredit that you did do it for a reason, and that you were driven to that point. I'm real sorry you were, but again I'm glad to hear that you didn't do it too much. Hey, it's perfectly understandable that you were thinking that way ok? That knife is linked to the action, it's a thought pattern. It's a natural, very real thing sadly, and it doesn't make you disgusting in the least. I'm really happy to hear that you said you're safe for the time being.

Hey, trying at all is amazing ok? You're strong in your resolve to not do it again, and that's real admirable. That's still a huge step forward, even if you aren't giving it your all yet. I'm really proud that you can hold back. Seriously, that's so, so amazing. So many people get sucked into the pattern, and knowing that you have the strength to walk away even if there is still a possibility of it happening again. Yeah, you should always want to do better for your friends, but mainly for yourself. You deserve to be as happy and as pain free as possible. You matter, no matter how many self deprecating thoughts you have. You're a person too, and you deserve to be happy. Since there is still a minimal risk, there's no shame in avoiding blades or that specific blade if you want to. Treat yourself gently, even if yours is a more minimal case on the grand scheme of things, you're still recovering, and you can take all the time you need. I know you really don't want to talk to someone, but honestly I think it might be a good idea to. Reach out to a counselor or therapist. These people are literally trained to help with problems like this for their job, and they won't find you disgusting. Honestly, no one should because you're not. I know you can use your full effort to do better. I know you want to do better, even if it's not for yourself right now. I think the first step is reaching out to a professional.

I know it's scary, but trust me, I wouldn't recommend it if I didn't think it would help. That'll make it easier for you to use your full effort to get better, and it might even start to let you see what an amazing person you are. You're strong and brave and really kindhearted for wanting to get better for your friends. But you should want to get better for yourself too, ok? Don't discredit yourself. I know you can't see how many amazing things there are about you right now, but hopefully with some time you will. You're not a whore and you're not disgusting. You're strong and amazing and you deserve all the happiness in the world. Good luck ok? If you can do this much with little effort, I can't wait to see what you can do with all of it.

Not to toot my sad little horn. But I feel as if I’m the king of self deprecation Anon. First of all; you aren’t a worthless whore. That’s wrong in so many ways. As far as I’ve seen you’ve done nothing to exhibit such a thing. No need to put yourself down as well, you were just following a trend, it happens when you’re younger, and they aren’t always for the best. I’m glad that you didn’t continue it even further. It’s normal that that would trigger something. Going through a traumatic moment like that is not easy. I know it sounds silly. But try and stay away from some of the things that you’ve found that may trigger you. For your mental health. And I’m sorry for getting stern. But you deserve no punishment whatsoever. Nobody ever deserves such a thing; unless they’re into Despair.

Hating yourself is something I’m all to familiar with. But Anon, I don’t know what’s happened in your past, but I assure you, you surely don’t deserve to hate yourself. Hopefully you’ve learned to love yourself. It’s a hard thing to learn, but that’s the best step you can ever take in reaching Hope and happiness. I recommend honestly throwing the knife away. Unless your grandpa gave it to you for sentimental reasons of some sort, perhaps hiding it away somewhere that you won’t consider looking for it. Maybe have someone hide it away. Getting that item out of your life seems like a good step to me in this recovery. I recommend actually talking to someone however. I know you don’t want to; but that’s always a good option. Talking about things like this is always good; helps you get things off your chest and have another shoulder to lean on, someone to help you through this Despair. Specifically a therapist if you’re comfortable with that. A trained person who knows how to handle and help people with these sort of things are always the best. For relapsing; you shouldn’t feel disgusting about doing it again. You know it’s not healthy and that’s all that matters. Sometimes people relapse, and that’s ok. As long as they seek help in the end is what matters. When this feeling returns, I beg of you to what you can to stop yourself; take a walk or go talk to a friend to distract yourself. That’s what friends are for; to help you during your hard times. If they don’t; can you truly call them friends? I urge you to talk, at least a little bit with them. You and your friends are together so you can help each other grow! I believe in you Anon, try getting in contact with a therapist as soon as you’re able to, perhaps look up things as well to help with triggers? Do a bit of research.

[witchysleepingbeauty]

Hi, Reversed✖️ here. I really would like to hear your opinion on how to sort out this difficult and sad situation

I can't deal with it alone anymore, especially to analyze it objectively

So um my parent, in front of a guest, took out their anger on me ie screaming, totally losing it, cursing me out coz I took a half min to fetch smth (I was already doing smth else for them) aka huge, nasty reaction. This was def not coz of the delay in the errand btw

Started ranting real ugly, getting louder and angrier (in front of the guest yay me right?😄) Ik my parent (P) has underlying issues (pain in their body which they always refuse to get treated for at a hospital whenever I suggest so (and if I offer to massage or bring an Ice pack I get passive aggressive snide remarks for 'pretending to care and be helpful'))

Any way screw that. My point is Law-related. so in this ugly rant (in which ofc parent brings up shite about me, personal effing shite), they shouted how I have 'no goal' in life bla bla among other things

Per EIYPO, is this a reflection of their own limiting beliefs/issues (eg lately all they do is complain with venom abt how things never turn out okay and how 'everything's messed up' etc. So it definitely could be how they feel)... OR is the, somewhat humiliating rant, an indicator of my inner reality and deep buried assumptions?

Tbh l want to cry, especially coz ik they're being like this coz of bodily pain, and ik they're not feeling great being like this either

Sadly, I'm getting triggered. Up until last year, I used to be in a very dark place. I'm working on my self now, and for the most, I'm better equipped to deal with my personal issues (the Law helped me realise how assumptions, thoughts could help me see a point in living; aka it gave me hope). Now even limiting time with P isn't enough. I tell myself idc what they keep saying about me, but I can't stop them (I mean if I talk back, it gets worse yk? If I try to explain, I hear this classic one "Oh so YOU'RE perfect right? You're the only perfect person in the world"... Yeah, it gets old real fast)

It's lame, upsetting. I don't wanna fall in the deep end again. Btw I've always been the one who's listened to P when they want to vent or wanna discuss their interests (even if I'm not that interested, coz ik what it's like to not have anyone interested in ur likes lol). Point is, is their behavior (the screaming outbursts and insane cussing + sometimes I do shudder at their scaring-the-yk-what outta-me expressive hatred of my existence - which they themselves have acknowledged btw aka I've heard them tell others how I've made them negative and unhappy... 😐), So is their behavior reflective of their own assumptions about me OR is it MY deep-buried assumptions reflecting in them?

I don't get it. On many damn occasions they've told me I'm the one who's at fault for 'everything' and, you'll like this one, "how I deserve being treated like this"... I've even asked them what I've done to them, but my P has communication issues (which I've taken as smth to learn for myself so I'm happy I could be mature enough to realise what's healthy and unhealthy communication, work on this and be better), which means, unfortunately, it's tough to get a straight answer back other than defensiveness, accusing me of criticising them bla bla nvm that's the old story (and by old I mean literally old), so idk

Like... Eff it all huh? I try to focus on myself and different aspects of my life, minimize confiding stuff about me, learned to not rely on them too much but idk. It's starting to affect me a lot, you understand right?

As I type this, I realise I'm REALLY hurt by P's shouts and their tone of NOT love. I forgive them for their rants, but how can I feel it in my heart that they don't hate me?

Working on your self concept and learning to love yourself after years then being treated like this insanely messed up my mind. What's the point? I'm getting all those old feelings back. It was so hard to yk, stop living in the dark. Eff me ig. Anyway, EIYPO, mb I gotta persist more on setting boundaries? Allow myself my feelings then move on?

Thanks so much, love

Reversed✖️

Please, nothing abt moving out. I already have distanced myself, unconsciously I now realise, from them. I'd really appreciate it if I could understand how to feel better regarding this situation by changing my concepts, or assumptions or at least understand why I'm so affected

First of all I am so sorry you have to go through this every day, I know you’re a beautiful person and it’s not your fault and you do not deserve it.

Now let’s talk about the law. Everything you see in your reality is a reflection of your own inner world. You create everyone and everybody, nobody can have a belief that you haven’t created them to have.

Also I see a lot of limiting beliefs in you “my parent is in pain and they take it out on me”, “my parent has communication issues.”

I know it’s not the easiest thing to deal with but if you want to change the situation you need to stop attaching these labels to your parent and instead changing them to something positive.

I am not going to tell you it will be easy because we are talking about years of trauma and abuse, however I do want to encourage you to not allow them to treat you like that, physically speak up and also to really consider moving away from that person.

I hope this clarifies some things and I wish you the best. If there’s anything else I can help you with feel free to message!

[shinahbee]

November Favorites 2020!

 Hello!

So as you may have seen I have been uploading a bunch of art all of November, not every week because of my crippling job at the moment taking away my sanity.lol. But i did try my best to update whenever I can. I do have so much more to complete so please look out this December for more digital art being pumped out

How are you all doing?  I'm holding up decently, I'm trying to avoid talking about covid since that's all i've been hearing from work and home and it's really making me anxious since i'm not able to work from home due to the nature of my job. I hope you all are holding up hope and taking care of your selves, let's all remember that there is a time after this and we will get through this.

with that being said I will have a lot more time to spend on my art after January since my work term is going to end and I don't plan to stay for an extension, so maybe then I'll catch up on all of my previous art that I was supposed to upload, a.k.a my hero academia ones.lol

also I'm still chugging along reading more manhwa (web toons ) from korean and chinese artists, i'm so disappointed in myself for not discovering these sooner, these stories are really good and so much effort was put into the art panels, as I have said all I've read was manga so i'm used to just seeing black and white panels, so i never really dove into web toons though I have appreciated the work put into it, now that I'm down the rabbit hole I am discovering really good story lines that are different from the manga I've read thus far and I'm really enjoying it!

so i'm excited to share my thoughts on everything I've been liking

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                           Manhwa/Manga/Webtoon

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so previously in last months recommendations I have talked about a few of the manhwa I've been reading so I'll briefly list those below since they are all still ongoing

1) who's baby is it

2) to be or no to be

3) social temperature

4) salad days

all of them are still ongoing and i'm still in the process of reading them so I can't give a full review till it's completed but so far I am still enjoying them, that's definitely a good sign since i tend to just drop something after I don''t find it interesting anymore at some point in the story. If you have not read my October favorites journal please do so for my initial thoughts on these manhwas. Now i'm actually going to talk about some of the ones that are completed   , so you can definitely read all of them without waiting for the an update from translators, lol

this is in no particular order, just fyi

1) Path to you

"When almost college dropout Jensen attempts to drink away his problems, unemployed Nathaniel( Neil ) suddenly pukes on him and ruins his night. As an apology, Nathaniel offers to help Jensen with his studies. Despite Jensen's difficulties in getting along with people, the two become friends and something deeper begins to grow between them...”

this is the summary from one of the manga websites I was able to find, it does not even describes the emotional plot line that goes along with this later, this is ones of my absolute favorites! I love this manhwa so much, its a great depiction of a coming of age story for collage students going through their life journey and slowly getting though life's difficulties  and challenges, one character is going though emotional trauma and trying to over come it for years and another character is going through anti social disorder and discovering his sexuality, it's a plot line that portrayed human aspects in life quite well. I love the relationship between the two main character and how their relationship developed over time from being friends to being a couple. there is a lot of relationship building and minimal drama, which is really refreshing from mangas that I've read, so if you are just starting to delve into BL webtoons, please read this first! you will not be disappointed

with that being said, I love Neil, so much.... you don't even know. lol. He's so precious, literally like an actual cinnamon roll. LOL. i'm exposing myself ...so i'll leave it at that, i’m also wondering why his name is neil instead of nathan or nate...? lol.

2) Here U Are

"Orientation of  the newcomers is a task for YuYang, and he ends up helping the unsociable and towering LiHuan, the kind of person that does everything to be disliked. But after better knowing each other, he discovers that the giant isn’t that bad of a person at all...”

I really wish I could find better summaries, lol. but it's to the point without giving away too much so i'll take it. This is one of the most popular series and I can totally see why after reading it, this story has every possible human aspect and relationship building  between the two main leads, I actually teared in some parts of this manhwa and I've never done that before! such a good story and plot line, if I were to pick any series in a web toon to be animated then I would choose this series hands down. There's also sub plots between different characters as well and how they deal with their interpersonal relationships and relationships between the two main leads, I love it! This is everything I want in a story, so please check this one out

also yuyang looks a lot like miyuki Kazuya from Daiya no ace and that just made me drawn to him.I really liked his personality and in the manhwa he has girls and guys in love with him and dude...I get it.

3) BJ Alex

"Every night at 10, Dong-gyun locks himself up in his room, grabs a box of tissues, and watches a live cam boy show hosted by Alex, a BJ (broadcast jockey). Timid Dong-gyun admires not only Alex’s ripped body, but his candor in sharing his sexual experiences with viewers. One night, Dong-gyun downs too many drinks at a school networking event and passes out. When he wakes up, he’s in bed staring up at a shirtless hunk. A hunk who looks an awful lot like...Alex.”

so um...this is more yaoi than shounen ai cause of all the graphic scenes in the manhwa, if you are veteran you may have already read this one cause its really popular. It also has a lot of comedic elements to it too so it's not too serious, but the relationship developed between the two characters later on is really sweet despite the infinite amount of sex scenes. Not much else to say about this story, it's easy to follow and the only abuse in here is the emotional kind

I'm not really entirely sure how i felt about it in the beginning but the end is really good

4) No way, vampires don't exist

"Four college housemates — Juwon, Eunho, Seongjae, and Gyumin — are in desperate need of a fifth person to fill a vacant room in their place. But their main concern isn’t about paying rent: they’re ravenous vampires, dying to sink their teeth into a fresh, live human! So they can’t believe their luck when Dongha, who grew up isolated from society, eagerly moves in with no idea of what awaits him. To the vampires’ dismay, however, Dongha doesn’t weigh enough for them to suck his blood! As they shower their unsuspecting new housemate with food and attention to fatten him up, have they gotten too attached to their would-be prey? And is there more to sweet, naive Dongha than meets the hungry vampires’ eyes?”

I have to preface by saying that ever since my twilight phase, I didn't consume anything that had to do with vampires for a very long time, for obvious reasons, but this one I just came across after reading path to you and thought I would at least check it out. It started off really comedic and I was like...what am i reading?  but it gets really light hearted and wholesome later on in the story. What I like about this is the character juwon, If you look at him he's that type of character that would look like the stoic a-hole of the story and those characters never appeal to me. But turns out he's the sweetest person most decent person of this story, it makes you want to route for him  and another thing I like about this story is that it looks like a harem but you can tell that there’s only one person the main character doungha treats differently from the rest and how the two are compatible with one another.  in these kind of stories, it’s always treated as every character is a possible route that leads to their own story but in here....there's only one...let's be real. This is one that is an odd ball cause it's technically completed but the translations are not...so i had to read the rest in korean, which makes it a good practice for me since i'm learning korean at the moment, it’s a good exercise...lol

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                             Anime/ Drama

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Not going to lie this department is lacking...lol. I have only been watching Heavens official blessing as mentioned in the last journal

but I have just found out that there is a remake of Shaman king in the making....and my little girl heart is screaming cause I loved shaman king when i was younger...so I can't wait for that

as for dramas, I've tried watching Start Up but I didn't like it so I dropped it, I might try watching crash landing on you since my best friend was obsessed with it, I watched a little of it but I left it since I was busy so i may get back to watching it from the beginning

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                             Music

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i'll put together a play list for you when you read these manga/manhwa...lol. cause that's what i've been doing

Playlist

Crush- No words

Sam kim - Breathe

Crush - let us go

Kim feel - falling

Paul kim - Dream

Kim feel - Hallelujah

Davichi - please don't cry

Yoo mirae - say

taeyeon - a poem called you

baek yerin- Here I am again

I wish tumblr has a way to play music on your page, without copy right..lol. I would share all of these songs cause they are so good

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so that's it for the month of November, lets' see what i get up to for December, I will be updating as frequently as possible so please look out for more art from me and follow me on my social media , I will see you all next time

bye!

Sheena

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     Social media      

Devianatart: she-be.deviantart.com

Instagram: shinb_art

Tumblr: shinahbee

[healthishealth]

I made it outside yesterday (recovery day 6). I'm so thankful that I have a balcony to sit on and feel the fresh air and warmth of the sun. Unfortunately, my apt is not accessible and has tons of stairs, so I've been trapped here since my surgery on Friday.

I had an L4/L5 and L5/S1 laminotomy. When the surgeon opened me up, he confirmed that I actually have a duplicate nerve root at L5/S1, not a cyst. He took a picture (those of you who know me should know that made me really happy) and he's going to show me how much bigger that nerve root is since it has two nerves wrapped in one sheath! He also confirmed his suspicion that my nerve roots exit the spinal canal much higher than the average person. This, he said, would explain why my pain did not match what he was seeing on my images - a validating statement that reminded me I wasn't making this all up in my head.

For years (8 to be exact), I have suffered from sciatica. It was really bad at first and then I don't know if I "got used to it" or perhaps it got slightly more tolerable, but it was only this past year that it became unbearable again. Every time I would see a doctor, they would look at my imaging and tell me that the minimal disc bulges I had on those two levels should not be causing me so much pain. In fact, one of my doctors suggested it could be psychosomatic and asked if I knew about CBT (I work in mental health, so this was a huge 🙄 for me).

Nevertheless, I refused to give up, even though my doctors were giving up on me. I finally found a pain management doctor who believed me and also wasn't afraid to prescribe pain medicine while I sought answers. After exhausting my options with him (i.e., steroid injections, exercises, medications, etc.), he referred me to a neurosurgeon. I'm too exhausted to go into detail about the horrific experience I had with this doctor, but I will one day. She eventually suggested I have a fusion and disc replacement (without ever seeing me in person except for 2 visits in 2016). I felt this was pretty aggressive for someone my age, so my pain management doctor referred me to see someone else.

For the first time, this new surgeon listened to what I was saying and actually believed that I could be in a ton of pain despite my images only showing "minimal disc bulging" at 2 levels. He showed me my scans and actually walked me through his thought process. He pointed out the "cyst" and said he thinks it could be a duplicate nerve root. He also drew pictures for me, explaining how nerve roots normally exit the spine and how mine seem to be exiting much higher up. He pointed to some bone erosion he noticed on the right side and suggested I get new imaging done since the last one wasn't very clear. Most importantly, he was straightforward with me and said this surgery might not fix my pain, but at the very least, we would eliminate one of the possible sources for my pain. The worst case scenario (barring any rare complications from surgery) would be going through surgery and not having my pain resolved. He also referred me to see his colleague for one more opinion, since his opinion conflicted with the first surgeon I "saw."

Fast forward to my surgery day - I'm pretty nervous, but once I meet my anesthesiologist, I'm much more at ease. He's a huge USC fan and alumni. The doctorate student (SRNA) working with him that day was also at USC, so we all bonded over that and I felt reassured that they would take good care of me. Both of them kept telling me what a great decision I made and that the extra year of PA school at USC's program is so worth it (woo!). Next, my surgeon came and marked "YES" on the right side of my back and they told me I was ready to go. I kissed Alex and my mom and the SRNA gave me a dose of propofol as I was being wheeled away.

Things happen at double speed once you enter the OR. EKG stickers get placed on me as an oxygen mask is strapped over my face. My gown is hooked up to a hot air pump (my favorite) and the anesthesiologist tells me he's going to start giving me the sleepy stuff. My left arm burns like my veins are on fire. I'm reassured this will pass quickly and it does. Someone stands over me and switches my oxygen mask and I drift off into anesthesia land.

My eyes peel open and they feel watery. Am I crying? I am. I hear myself gasping for air and saying, "I can't breathe!" Looking back on this, I think they probably had just pulled the intubation tube out, so I probably woke up during that and got scared that I wasn't breathing on my own. This has never happened to me before (or if it has, I don't remember). I then burst into tears again because the sciatica I had going into surgery was gone.

I'm still off of my medication for my autoinflammatory disease due to the risk of infection if I'm immunocompromised in any way. My drenching night sweats are back and I'm not feeling that great, so hopefully I can go back on medication after my post-op appointment on 3/17. In the meantime, I'll just be here...resting...reminding myself I'm not a burden...allowing myself to ask for help when I need it. Special shout-out to my mom for flying out last weekend and taking care of me and my MVP, Alex, for being the actual best human in the world and loving me unconditionally.

It's been a long week. I've made a lot of progress, but I've definitely had setbacks (both mentally and physically). My sciatica came back a bit a few days after surgery, but has not been as painful as before. I'm hoping my nerves just need some time to settle down and realize they're not being compressed anymore. I do worry that 8 years was too long and that permanent nerve damage was done, but I'm just letting that thought hang out and I'm trying not to engage with it too much.

[sallykie]

On the HTTYD fandom, the third movie, mixed reactions...

As you may have noticed from posts I've reblogged, I was one of the people who had some... issues with the third HTTYD movie. I'm not terribly upset; there are aspects of THW that I DID enjoy, and besides, I am entirely allowed to personally ignore the bits I didn't like, and instead focus on the parts of the franchise that do bring me genuine enjoyment -- which absolutely do still exist.

I imagine I'm probably going to end up reblogging some more analyses by other people who found similar issues with the movie, although I can't imagine spending a LOT of time and energy on that in the long run (I'm not even that active in the fandom/tumblr anymore). If I reblog/post any more of them, I will keep tagging those posts as "httyd3 criticism", which I encourage people to block if they want to focus on the feel-good hype (or feel-sad hype, or feel-conflicted hype...) of the new movie; I'm not trying to be condescending by saying this. I am somewhat invested in the httyd fandom (or at least the parts I'm familiar with) staying a relatively low-drama fanbase, and of course I am hoping for a good fandom experience for my fellow fans AND myself.

(Yes, I know drama-free, unproblematic fandoms don't really exist, but there should still be steps we can take to minimize some of the fandom drama.)

I do think those of us who had issues with some parts of the movie should be able to have discussions about that. It should also be possible for the fans who don't want to dedicate their fandom activity time to negativity, to not have to engage with negativity.

Behaviours like specifically seeking out, and leaving negative comments, on other people's positive hype posts (or sad emotional hype posts or whatever, you get the point) is bad manners, in poor taste, and I hope people will avoid doing that. On the other hand, I do not want the fanbase to develop some kind of a weird "us versus them" division where on THIS side you're only allowed to complain, and on THIS side you're only allowed to hype -- I don't think this kind of a hard either-or division is a realistic perception of too many a fan's actual views of the source material, and I have definitely seen such divisions turn into... not the most objective... echo chambers, before. So, uh, let's not do that, please?

I want to make it clear that while I've written some possibly exaggerated comments and tag rants about the way I ended up perceiving some of the themes and developments in THW, I'm aware that it's not the only way to perceive the themes in the movie, or even neccessarily what was intended by the creators. Rather, me pointing out the interpretation is a commentary on the fact that there appear to be apparent (perhaps unintended?) ways to interpret things, which I unfortunately found prominent enough to get in the way of enjoyment.

Besides, someone else perceiving themes similarly to me could also NOT see it as a bad thing that a story would touch on those themes. "This story didn't go how I wanted" or "these themes were not what I needed in my life and my situation" are not automatically synonymous with "this story is bad". The same theme viewed from a different angle could evoke an entirely different audience reaction. Let's not turn "this is why this didn't work for me" into "this isn't allowed to work for anyone".

You know how sometimes you read/hear someone else talking about a story you're also familiar with, and you end up thinking they must have encountered some entirely different, alien, alternate reality version of it, because as far as you can tell, there's just no way anyone should be able to read/watch the same thing you did, and sincerely draw such blatantly different conclusions about what happened in it, how things were or weren't portrayed, what the characters were like, which parts were the most important, what was the main point...

...yeah, I'm not gonna go with the automatic assumption that what everyone else gets out of some specific piece of fiction is the same thing I get out of that piece of fiction. Sometimes the urge to go "well, you're just WRONG" is pretty strong. I do think people blatantly misinterpreting things IS a thing that happens. But at the same time, you gotta remember, fiction kinda... only gets finalised inside every reader/viewer's head. Sometimes it gets finalised several times in different ways in the SAME reader/viewer's head, when they revisit something later with different life experiences. The version of a story I've read/watched, that I have in my mind, is not gonna be exactly the same as the version someone else received by reading/watching the same source material. While actual misinterpretations exist, to SOME extent, there will be differing perceptions where it's impossible to rule one as "correct" and the other as "incorrect".