#and also I just. am too much of an autistic weirdo for anyone to like irl.

[yeentosis]

I wanna talk about my name because I like it.

it's Dissonans, Dissonance, Disonancia, التنافر, Παραφωνία, વિસંવાદિતા, 不协和音, whatever the word for dissonance is in the language you refer to me in. I usually use the norwegian Dissonans regardless of language because I'm norwegian, but you can use whatever. My name isn't the phonemic content of the word, it's strictly the concept that it describes.

The reason I don't stick strictly to Dissonans and whatever transliterations of it in other langs (like you would usually expect of "regular" given names) is that I want anyone to understand my deal, no matter the language. If you know what dissonance is, you know something about me. In changing my name once already, I feel like I've lost all connection to any particular soundbite as an identifier anyway, so I'm not really invested in exactly what my name sounds like. Dissonans feels clunky and unnatural for me too, and it's kinda deliberate.

It's a musical term, because music means A Lot to me. it's one of my few evergreen special interests that never fades, just shifts in presentation. In fact dissonance is an essential part of so much music, you'd notice it if it disappeared. You should notice if I'm gone.

It's also dissonance in the sense of disagreement or discord. I don't get along with people that easily; usually if things go well it's because I have about a decade of deliberate practice and almost three decades of trauma guiding me through the labyrinth of human interactions. Now I don't want to suppress my own personality anymore, not for anyone, so I unmask. I get to be a queer, autistic, disabled weirdo - my authentic self - and people just have to deal with interactions feeling weird. This doesn't mean I'm a poor communicator, far from it! I am clear and friendly, I just don't wanna get bogged down in things like small talk or participate in annoying subtextual games. It's someone else's turn to feel like the odd one out.

There's also no one else with this name (as far as I've found, if your name is also Dissonance please get in touch!!). I'm not burdened by expectations of gender or weird cultural determinism like Lindas being grandmas or Rachels being rude and entitled; my name means ME. whatever values you assign to the word/name Dissonance are probably gonna be true and already accounted for, y'know?

Almost every person I've introduced myself to with my name has complimented it. It's not very clear how deeply they're thinking about it, but I have to assume that some part of it resonates with them and they don't know exactly how to put it into words, so they just say "nice name!" and call it a day. Even if they just admire it for being different, that's good enough I guess. Really though, this is another way for me to subtly yell at people "hey!!! the entire framework of societal rules of everything is malleable, if not wholly dismissible!!! you don't have to make yourself fit within confines you've been told are unbreakable!!!", and the hope is that once in a while it gives someone an epiphany.

[pillarsalt]

i know this is like, completely out of nowhere, but do you have any tips for building up confidence and self-esteem as a woman? i find myself constantly apologizing to everyone for even the smallest of infractions, i feel really guilty for no discernible reason most of the time, and the worst part is i don't even know why i do it. i guess a big part of it is that i'm autistic, i don't have an innate sense of the minutia of what's socially acceptable or not, so i always try to pick the easiest, safest option that nobody could possibly misinterpret, which is just being a doormat most of the time. i hate it: people constantly speak over me, ignore what i say and treat me more like an object than a person, but it's the only thing i know how to hold onto so i'm not completely shooting in the dark socially, i've been doing it since i was a little kid. i know i should grow a spine and be myself, but fuck, nobody wants to be the clueless weirdo who doesn't even notice she's a nuisance

Hey anon, thank you for reaching out. I struggled and still struggle with a lot of the same stuff. Often I feel sort of like I have to justify my existence wherever I am; I have to be the friendliest and most helpful I can be, otherwise I'll just be taking up space and people won't like me. What could be worse than people not liking me?? I also overanalyze social interactions I've had and agonized over whether I've offended someone or if my words were interpreted incorrectly.

But these are things we have no control over, and obsessing over things you can't control only leads to a worse and worse state of mind. It's a vicious cycle: when you feed into unhealthy thoughts, you're cementing that mental pathway. It's more comfortable to think in your usual twisted way than it is to climb out of that rut and try to see things another way. It's really important to climb out. It's the same with apologizing, I also am trying to stop saying sorry so much, hard work but you can do it too. You're not at fault by default, you're doing your best like everyone else and that's nothing to apologize for.

Unfortunately, and I hate this as much as you do, the solution is to not give a fuck. Since initially that's impossible, you have to PRETEND not to give a fuck. Speak loudly like you don't care who hears you, say what you think even if you might embarrass yourself a bit, take up space. Walk with your head high and a strong stride. You are a whole entire person and you deserve to be heard and seen as much as anyone else. This is your world too!

I have a friend who also has a low awareness of social niceties, she's very brash and sometimes says things that can kinda sting just because she's so brutally honest even when she's joking. But I know she doesn't do it to be unkind, so I don't hold it against her, it's just who she is. In my view, if I afford this grace to other people, I should also be given that room to make mistakes, so long as I'm not being unpleasant purposefully. My friends have been annoying or rude before but I still like them and think their good traits outweigh the bad by a ton... why shouldn't I assume that they feel the same about me?

And in the end, if someone doesn't like you, that's their loss. There are billions of people in the world, you will absolutely find people who love you for exactly who you are. Don't pare yourself down to fit in, let all of your beautiful branches grow up and out.

[simplyjustadrain]

Welcome to the Scott Pilgrim Marauders Map, this came to me in a vision from the heavens after reading the Scott Pilgrim comics and spiralled wildly out of control.

This is sort of a plan for a fic? I’ve written a couple things before but nothing super detailed or longer than maybe 500 words so this would be a huge project and I’m putting it here because my friend (@folkwhore12) told me to and I do whatever she says, also just in case anyone just as insane but better at writing than me wants to take this up and write it hehe.

Couple things to note, this would be extremely Pandora x Lily centric, I love Jegulus more than I love breathing but I swear there is a drought of Pandalily fics in this fandom and I am so very close to dying of thirst. Let the lesbians have their fun.

Another thing is I want to make it clear that Pandora in this is not a weirdo and is not dating a minor, whilst she may be the Scott Pilgrim of this universe she isn’t as deeply flawed as he is. She’s Scott in the way they’re both autistic and kind of a loser. The Scott Pilgrim universe is all about overcoming flaws and all that and honestly this idea came from Pandalily rather than character exploration, but trust me her struggles would not revolve around dating children.

As for Lily, she is just Ramona Flowers. I don’t really need to say more but i’m going to because I love Lily and she deserves more recognition. I love the comics because they’re about Ramona just as much as they’re about Scott and I really felt that in the new anime as well. In my head Lily is a perfectionist, she likes to have control over everything which is why, like Ramona, she’s been the one to break off every relationship.

Ok as for the more fun aspects of this I know it’s insane I’m well aware.

Introducing, the 7 Evil Exes of Lily Evans:

1. Sybill and Lily have a primary school playground wedding when they’re about 8 years old and Sybill doesn’t stop thinking about her for the next 14 ish years.

2. Marlene and Lily get dared to kiss in high school (13/14) and Marlene falls head over heels in love (so real of her). She meets Dorcas Meadowes and realises she might be head over heels in love with her as well and that’s where it gets complicated.

3. James is the odd one out (jumpscare he’s a man). Him and Lily date for maybe three months in year 9 (age 14/15) and where he’s making lists of baby names and picking out flower arrangements, Lily realises that she’s 100% most definitely into women.

4. Dorcas is where it gets serious for Lily, they’re 16-18 and picking unis and despite the fact they’re wildly, madly, soul crushingly in love, they both have dreams and they go their different ways.

5. Narcissa and Lily were incredibly dysfunctional and a bit insane together. Eventually Lily decided maybe it was a bit too insane for her (that’s saying something) and broke it off, which then made Narcissa decide to quite sensibly destroy the world.

6 + 7. Andromeda + Bellatrix were Lily’s very successful attempt at revenge. Maybe Narcissa was getting a little too stalkerish or something (I haven’t figured out the details yet) but Lily decides that she’d quite like to have the bragging rights to say she dated every Black sister.

(8. Narcissa again (just trust me on this) Lily’s revenge plan, whilst successful, was successful in a way she wasn’t expecting. Narcissa being the ultimate evil ex and the future organiser of the league, only sees Lily’s revenge as incredibly evil and falls in love with her villainous instincts even more.

If anyone finds this even mildly interesting I’ll talk about all the other characters because otherwise this will get far too long - I cannot stop talking about Wallace Wells as Regulus Black even if I tried lmao.

[nightfallsystem]

Nightfallsystem - Main blog. Plural System. cringe asf autistic and chronic pain haver. giant isopod enthusiast.

READ MY DNI AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST!!!

IF I FOLLOW U / REBLOG FROM U RANDOMLY / ACT LIKE WE'RE MUTUALS U PROBABLY FOLLOWED/INTERACTED ON MY BLOG @qiekz OR @qiekzart

‼️hi guys if ur reading this during october 2023 plz check out @qiekzart rn im doing a thing ✨✨

Check out my etsy plzzz :333 i post adoptables !!

My name is Qiekz, my pronouns are it/its, please use my actual preferred pronouns. For your DNI purposes please know I'm 14 ^_^ also no nsfw interaction or you will fucking die!! im also learning japanese! (please send help.... im dying..... grahh.. ive gone too far to quit its kind of my curse now.)

what to expect from this blog? random shit, this is my personal blog. there may be vents and rants (tagged as #vent and #rant respectively) there may be random shit there will be so many reblogs.

i try to add ids when i can into the alt text, though i have chronic pain so sometimes im too tired to, sorry

Special interests: Giant isopods, Yugioh 💀💀

interests: TBHK, manga and anime, servals, marine animals, suicide boy (critical of it...), made in abyss, (critical of it...) , japanese language ,, ... i forgor

FEEL FREE (i encourage you to!) TAG ME IN SHIT ABOUT MY INTERESTS!!! esp yugioh im really autistic about it o my god

#autistic about this thing tag <- will be me tagging shit im really autistic about!!

not really in discourse anymore other than transgender stuff so if you try to drag me into discourse ill drag you into the pits of hell. i fucking hate syscourse so much.

If i am not speaking and another system member is, the post will be tagged as "- [name]". I tag common triggers, flashing lights and eyestrain, etc, these will be tagged as "TW [topic]". also JSYK i block a fuck ton of people so like, yeah, I block anyone for any reason I want. I will also not unblock you. unless youre liek my friend or smth.

We have so many fictives sooo,, source list: TBHK, Omori, OneShot, Wolf Song the Movie (yknow, that one on youtube.), yugioh..... </3 .. sourcemates r cool to interact n stuff feel free to send an ask im just shy...

anon hate MUST be original no lame "kys" or "[slur]". i will judge you. try better. try harder. get good. if you send anon hate i will judge it and rate it out of 10 so please try your best.

i am weirdo fictionkin heres the list: hooni from suicide boy yayy,, faputa from made in abyss ( I FUCKING HATE THE SORUCE FOR BEING SO WEIRD OMFG AHGHH),, jolteon from pokemon. . im weird and fuckd up . much prefer if u dont rlly seperate me from me in sources. cuz i just am me. sorry. ig. just refer to me as me . thank you

I am critical of all of my interests!!

or more just i hate them agh just be normal omfgggg crying sobbing

if you wanna avoid a common trigger its most likely tagged #tw [topic]. i also tag eyestrain and flashing lights but usually i just tag it as "#eyestrain" or "#flashing". tbh i unfortunately cant be trusted to remember to tag any other specific trigger because of bad memory. i wont tag reclaimed slurs but i will tag slurs used in a mean way

Please do not DM me unless you actually really need to. Send me an ask if you want to DM me and specify that you want it answered privately if you want. but i AM UNCOMFY WITH DMS. unless we're friends or i DMed you first. otherwise i place a curse on you I MUCH prefer asks over DMs

Sideblog list

@omori-addict

@oops-all-traumacore (TW TRAUMACORE)

@sunnymogai (inactive)

@hellhoundmutt (inactive)

@sunnymogai2 (inactive)

@qiekz (EYESTRAIN + FLASHING TW please block if you are affected by that please)

@qiekzart

@tsukasabrainrot

alter blog 4 tasma:

@tazmahell

@tazmaboxed

DNI:

Anti plural, pluralphobe, anti endo, sysmed, against created alters/etc, "dont believe in systems",

Proship, condone or support posting any sexual stuff that includes a child, lolicon/shotacon/etc, someone purposely meant to look like a child, cub.

LGBTQphobic, transmed, transphobe/homophobe/biphobe/panphobe/etc, 'super straight'/variants, anti-ace inclusion, anti-aro inclusion, anti a-spec inclusion, aphobes, anti mspec lesbian/gay/etc, stelliophobic, anti lesboy/turigirl/etc, anti any good faith queer identity, anti neopronouns, anti xenogender, anti mogai.

Ableist, support autism speaks, think "narc abuse" is a thing/demonise people with any disorder including NPD, infantalise people with disorders/disabilities/etc, post/support on subreddits like r/fakedisordercringe or r/systemscringe, use the term "Aspergers" / describe urself as an "aspie" (Hans Asperger was a nazi who killed many disabled people, so shut the fuck up.)

Racist, cultural appropriators.

Radqueers, trans-id/transX, transrace/trace (not adoptee term), support the term transplural, pro-contact/contact-complex/contact-neutral for harmful paraphillia, sway people away from getting help for harmful paraphillia, MAP/Pedo/zoo/necro. (also transspecies is ok if its not used in a transX way)

Fujoshi/variants. fetishize mlm/wlw, etc.

Against traumacore / vent art.

Have minors on ur DNI (no offense im just a minor lol), NSFW-Focused blog

Post stolen art (includes AI images) / trace art without consent

other stuff is im neutral on factkin or kff tbh. and i think id rather stay neutral on tulpas as a term. i just dont fucking care. i dont involve myself in syscourse anymore, i might post more endogenic positivity later but id rather not due to the rampant harassment and infighting in the system community.

[kimmimaru]

So, probably a bit TMI (mentions of mental health) for random internet strangers but oh well. I'm sticking it under a cut for people who don't care lol.

So, I've been having a...difficult time lately. I'll keep it simple and just say I'm struggling pretty bad with personal shit. Anyway, I was considering looking into counselling but the NHS no longer fund talking therapy, it's only CBT and stuff which is helpful but not what I need. So I'd have to pay through the nose. And even if I could afford it I've only been able to find 1 single person in my entire town who specialises in treating autistic people. There may be more but honestly I have no idea where to even begin looking. Also like there's loads of groups for older people and people with toddlers but nothing for parents of older kids, groups for the parents I mean. I struggle very badly with making friends and talking to people, I'm awkward as fuck and have no idea how to socialise. Unfortunately I'm not a child so don't have anywhere to go to meet people like me. It's hard to make friends when neurotypicals have an instinctual dislike of autistic people (ok not everyone but apparently they can identify people as 'weird' without even speaking to them and generally tend to avoid us). Sorry, I did say this was probably TMI, but I'm just so fucking lonely and so stressed I'm having heart palpitations. I'm not sleeping either and unfortunately I don't have anyone to actually talk to about it so this is why I'm posting this here. Its at least just getting it all off my chest, even if it's not a long term solution maybe it'll be enough to actually help me get some sleep tonight. My mum was the person I talked to about all this shit, the only one I felt I could actually confide in and she's gone. I have family but they're busy with their own lives and tbh...I never felt like they ever really got me. My dad's a very closed off man, not in a cold way, he was always affectionate but he and my mum got divorced a long time ago and since then I've never felt able to talk to him about deep stuff. I suppose it's something to do with broken trust and all that crap. My sisters are way too busy and have their own problems and lives and my only brother is a lot older than me and far away. They all love me and care about me, I have never doubted it but none of them are neurodivergent. They don't understand me really and never have (that's not a self pitying 'oh woe is me' it's just a fact). It's a very weird feeling to be surrounded by people who love you but knowing they just don't get you. I am extremely aware that people would kill to have what I do, a big, loving family and they try really hard to understand and help but sometimes you just need more weirdos like you who see the world the same way and have the same kind of issues you do. What I want is a day. Just one single fucking day where I can just do what I need to do around the house without just staring at it for hours before I work up the spoons to do it. I want one day where I can actually do something creative as I've lost my drive (probably temporary, depression usually has the opposite affect on me and I write MORE when I'm depressed for some reason). I want to play with my daughter without constantly worrying about if she'll eat something other than junk food (she's an extremely picky eater), or is she'll take a bath without a fight or if she'll actually drink something for a change (yes, we are in contact with doctors about all this, it's just an extremely slow process). I want to wake up and not be exhausted for a change, I want to not be in constant pain for no fucking reason (chronic fatigue...yay). I want to not spend my days unable to focus on anything, to not be constantly disassociating because my stupid brain can't cope with too much sensory input. I am exhausted, I'm grieving and I just want to be normal for a fucking change. Anyway, it's all a lot more complicated than what I've written and it's very unlikely this makes any sense at all. But I needed to write it down, to tell someone, somewhere just so I can stop obsessing over all these thoughts. Maybe now I can sleep.

[timdoritos]

hi im timo or tim. im 18 i use he/him + it/its if ur awesome (click the plus to see my labels). look at my strawpage

i am pro-palestine. i will block zionists or anyone who believes israel is a legitimate state. ignorance is no excuse.

other stuff about me under the cut

im an artist from estonia. i post art. occasionally.

im ftm and gay as shit AND ALSO AROALLO!!! also im autistic but thats probably obvious xd

i like sburb: refresh and homestuck and... various video games. i mostly listen to rap and hip hop n shit (big shocker) but i listen to other stuff sometimes too. im a drainer sometimes i will rb pics of bladee or yung lean dont mind me. heres my last.fm if u wanna stalk what i listen to

speaking of s:r: its my special interest so i kinda only psot about that. or any hyperfixes i get alongside it but mostly s:r. ALSO I REALLY LIKE BIRDS I REBLOG BIRD PICS A LOT that is also a special interest of mine

feel free to message me if u wanna be friends or some shit just dont be a complete weirdo right off the bat or whayteva. im p socially awkward tho but i try my best.

i run @sburbrefreshincorrectquotes i dont post much on there but if u wanna see the occasional dumb silly then check it out

my discord is timdoritos and so are all my other socials if u wanna contact me or find me elsewhere. im most active on twitter

[rockinlibrarian]

Some thoughts I've had for awhile but my desire to write them down is sparked by the "1/4 of Tumblr users are queer" discourse....

Tumblr is the place where I feel like the weirdo for NOT being queer (enough*)!

*Which is just further discourse. I identify as aspec, and I stand by the A being a legitimate part of LGBTQA, but I don't feel right claiming "queer" for myself because I am so practically allohet it barely makes a difference. I'm not aromantic--I'm stupidly romantic in fact-- and I'm not sex-repulsed (though I'd still rather not have it explicit in my media)-- I'm demiheterosexual. Just odd enough to feel a little bit, well, queer about things, but not enough to make much of a difference.

Now, normally one puts a footnote after the main part of the piece, but it actually fits better here. That's just a quieter part of the main body. Because it's a good segue! What is "queer?" In the broadest sense, it means "odd."

And guess what all geeks are, by definition? Odd!

And guess who hangs out in a place where people make nerdy jokes and talk about their hyperfixations? That's right, geeks!

I have noticed that neurodivergent types attract other neurodivergent types, because we get each other. Our brains work on similar wavelengths.

I've also heard tell that The Queer Kids Always Find Each other.

Just like the ND kids do.

But there is a huge overlap in the ven diagram of neurodivergent and queer!

It's all anecdotal evidence, but it certainly seems that way, and I wonder if anyone's ever taken on a study of the correlation between the two.

Because it seems whenever I find my fellow geeks, most of them are Queer, too. (The two fastest friends I ever made-- my autistic enby lesbian bff, and the Inattentive-ADHD-like-me gay guy I fell madly in love with within one hour of friendship--who ironically ended up introducing me to my husband-- anyway, they caused me such anguish in college when I was in love with the Wrong One! And I was like, how does this even make sense? Society tells me I'm the "normal" one but I'M the one who doesn't fit! Why do I like guys and not (afab) "girls"? WHY???)

Does it only LOOK like a big overlap because people who are already obviously odd one way are more likely to be open about being odd in other ways, too? Maybe neurotypical queers are more likely to be in the closet, and neurodivergent straights more likely to mask, and that's the only reason they seem so rare?

Or is it just we're ALL queer, lowercase?

Weirdos attract weirdos. Whatever kind of weirdo you are?

Anyway, have my random thoughts.

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Hey.

So, it’s been a while. I have a lot less energy than I used to and I’ve found that being online is extremely bad for my already struggling brain. I’ve really struggled to keep up any connections I used to have, even though I wanted to and I felt extremely guilty for struggling so much with just talking to people. I feel like I’ve become a completely different person in the past few years. I guess I kind of outgrew Tumblr and I felt like I was a fraud when I couldn’t reach the same levels of energy and enthusiasm to behave like I used to and I felt like I didn’t belong here any more and that I was a disappointment, but I still think about all of my friends on here a lot and I’m really sorry I faded out without any explanation, it was never a deliberate choice, time just did time things and all of a sudden it’s been years and I felt too guilty and ashamed to come back, like I was being kept prisoner by my own skull raisin. I still think about you all and I hope you’re living the wonderful happy lives you all deserve and that the world is being so, so kind and gentle to you. I hope you find new happiness and love every single day. I still love all of you with my whole heart and soul and I’m really, genuinely sorry for leaving like I did, I hope none of you were worried and I hope you didn’t miss me.

A life update is that I’m doing okay, even good. My partner Josh and I are still going strong, we’re planning on getting married in the next few years, and I’ve been flying over to see them regularly (I’ll never stop being grateful that I have this opportunity.) Their apartment is yellow and we adopted a very big plush Bulbasaur son together and we cuddle until we fall asleep every night and their smile and their mind make me reach a level of happiness I genuinely did not think I was capable of and they have helped me find who I really am. Loving them is the easiest and sweetest thing I’ve ever done. I’m planning on moving overseas to be with them after we’re married (paperwork + residency reasons.) Their friends have welcomed me incredibly kindly into their group and their city is a world I want to live in and I feel like I finally know where I belong. I have finally, finally found my home.

Other updates. My pets are getting older and we lost Maudie, I still miss her and I’m scared for the others but I can’t do anything but love them. With my partner’s help I realized that I’m most likely autistic and I’m hoping to get officially diagnosed once I’ve moved, but not before, because a diagnosis could get my residency denied. I have a steady job with very nice coworkers/friends and in general I’m a lot less scared of life and I’m actually excited for the future, even though I still have very hard days, weeks, months. I have a lot more confidence and love in myself. I own a shirt with rubber duckies on it and I adore it with my whole heart. I have two tattoos named Frank and Louisa and I’m hoping to get more soon. I make very good soup. I’ve learnt to draw, I still have a long way to go but it makes me happy and it’s therapeutic and also how does lighting and shading work oh my gOD-

If anyone wants to reach me at any time, for any reason, my Discord is awshucksalright#7140. It’s one of the few sites that I don’t have a mental block with so I’m usually active on there, but I am a different person now so I understand if you don’t have a drive to, there’s no expectation. I just wanted to make a post to give closure if it was needed because just dipping like I did was super shitty and I wish I could take it back but at this point it feels too late and I don’t know if I have the energy to come back again any way. I have been lurking like a weirdo on your blogs to make sure you’re okay, I should’ve just reached out, I don’t know why I didn’t other than my brain not letting me, it felt like a wall and it still does. It was nothing any of you did, it’s just my own brain being a dick and I hate it and I wish I could change it. I don’t want any of you to think that you weren’t/aren’t important to me because you always have been and always will be. Your kindness and friendship has meant the world to me.

I don’t want to say goodbye so I’m not going to, I don’t want to close that door because I love so many of the people through it. I just hope you’re all okay and that life is treating you with all the amazing-ness that you all deserve. I hope you all feel warmly and gently hugged.

I love you. 💖💖💖🐰🐰🐰💕💕💕

[joyboythehopepunk]

the color of growth

the color of growth by donovan melero

it's one of those emotive songs that helps me feel things i normally put to the side. not sure if anyone else does this. where you just get into one of those moods.. where you have to think about/feel the things that are bothering you?

it used to be more self destructive for me than listening to a sad song or two. i used to be an alcoholic. i used to be depressed and a little bipolar.

but i'm autistic with cptsd. being in fucked up situations really does a number on me in a way it doesn't seem to mess with other people. that is why i have only been in handful of relationships.

things affect me much more intensely.

at first i thought i was just a highly sensitive person. well. at first i just thought i was a moody weirdo who happened to be intelligent.

anyway.. this part of my self discovery journey only began in earnest with a failed relationship. i had to know what was wrong with me.

but... just as i'd feared: nothing is more wrong with me than anyone else. i only confirmed i am fucked up. like everyone else. just in a different way. definitely less fucked up than the general public.

that was this issue, ultimately. if you're closer to health and your society is mostly sick.. you look more damaged. you look like the crazy one. but you're actually sane. more sane than any peers you've had. i'm also a statistical anomaly in a way, too. being mixed, trans, and disabled is common on this hellsite.

but lgbtq people, brown people, and neurodivergent people are technically still minorities.

anyway.. my journey has been a long one. and it isn't over yet.

the color of growth is a sad song about the loss of love and regret. which is mainly what I feel when i think of her. the one that really hurt me. for some reason.. it seems to hurt more than anything i can remember in a long time. and yeah, i know autistic people experience trauma more extremely.. but oof.

ramble. it wasn't just my fault. i know that. i just wish i could find someone who is as patient and considerate as i am. i make an excellent lover. it is too bad people keep proving me right about their characters. but we all have fucked up things going on. idk.

i'm tired of being alone. i have been alone my whole life - unlike others. no real emotional/mental support my whole life. was barely taken care of as a child. as an adult i've had no real friends/family.

people make me uncomfortable. and with how i've seen them treat one another (except in rare instances) it is understandable. why anyone would be wary. and maybe that is why people don't really seem to value relationships as much as they say.

but i am a voidpunk/spiritual being. i've never looked at humans the same way as other people. i value life, i really do. i probably value the connections more than normal. i see peoples' humanity more than normal.

but lately.. lately i have grown more detached. bc i just don't have the energy to give people. bc i'm tired of being hurt and disappointed.

people who don't see me as a person. people who can't respect or give space or support me. especially when i've always been a very giving person... why should i give them consideration? other than it's the right thing to do? (which has gotten me taken advantage of and misunderstood too)

always in lop-sided relationships. (bc people expect something specific out of me/expect more from me)

never understood or loved properly. (bc people don't know how to be there for me/love me. they only have so much space in their hearts ig)

there's no point to this post except for me to air my feelings out. it feels like i have a giant wound inside me. and tho i suspect others feel the same.. there is a difference in the clarity and magnitude of awareness.. how much we know of ourselves and others deepens such pain.

ah. it hurts. to think of loving and being loved in return.

(a/n: check out Aurora's Nature Boy song)

can't wait to find my companion, lover, and friend. hopefully i won't wait much longer.

[geoclapicus]

So y’all know how, like, a bunch more people are being diagnosed as autistic and with other mental disorders? I’m beginning to think it’s much more common than anyone from the 70s and back could ever fucking dream of. Everyone in the past has just been such assholes to everyone with disorders they either hide it, or get shoved in the no-think box (asylums). Cause the CDC says like, half the population will eventual have some sort of mental disorder. What if that number is closer to 100%, and everyone was, and still are, trying to be an elitist asshole and say, “we’re the normal ones, you’re all weirdos!!”

My point is, I don’t think they’re mental disorders anymore.

It’s just life.

(BTW, I have no source or scientific evidence of any of this, it’s all speculation)

I totally didn’t even mention LGBTQ people, cause it’s not a disability or disorder, but it’s also an “irregularity” in society that’s becoming more widespread and I think it’s because we’re making progress in breaking societal walls and expectations.

Show everyone that even if you’re different, even if you’re “irregular,” you’re still a human, and that’s what counts. And to everyone who isn’t “irregular,” you need to put in even more work. As a society, people who are privileged need to use that privilege to fix the shit our similarly privileged ancestors fucked up.

Straight, white, male, all things our society dictates as “normal,” and places the least amount of restrictions on. I fall into the latter two categories, and I have privilege. People like me, we have societal sway in ways we don’t deserve, but we can use it. We can fight the laws that hurt our LGBTQ friends and family, the laws that hurt our POC friends and family. We can speak out for the women in our lives who can’t even choose what to do with their own bodies in some of the U.S. states.

But most importantly? We can teach the next generation. Some older folk won’t listen, they won’t change. But we are getting older too. We’re getting into office, we’re getting into the public eye. We can teach our children and our grandchildren to accept those of us who are “irregular,” and let them know they aren’t irregular at all.

Teach that we aren’t “white and black,” “male and female,” “straight and gay,” “trans and cis.”

We’re human and human, and that’s all we ever will be, or need to be.

(I wrote this all in like, 15 minutes and I say fuck spell check. Also, tell me if I’m out of line with anything I said here. As much as I like to think I’m informed with certain aspects of certain communities, I am still a white man who hasn’t had to deal with the experiences and trauma of so many people. Any and all corrections are appreciated. Unless you’re being a bigoted asshat. Then that is not welcome.)

And to be clear again, since I seem to have an endless stream if thought coming out my ass, THIS DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO ERASE CULTURE AND DIVERSITY. Just because we’re all human, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate how our differences make us unique. We can recognize our differences without being bigoted. Life is a gray space, we should act accordingly.

Now I’m done. Congrats. Here’s a star ���️

[jorban-ederble]

Might as well make a post for anyone who sees this

(CW: brief mentions of mental health conditions and concerns. Like, really brief. Nothing bad, I’m just nervous)

Hello, my name is Armani/Layne, I’m just… some thude from western Washington. Plan on starting a band, getting into music, that kinda biz; though for starters I’m looking to become an HVAC tech so I can get myself some money. Pays pretty well, actually!

I’m a self-described “manthing”, given I’m kinda having an identity crisis lately? May change this later or update if anyone’s interested, but I’m masculine of some sort, currently labeling as non-binary though I have considered agender, libramasculine, and demiboy. I’m asexual panromantic which is kinda neat though I do struggle to fully accept myself as an ace person. Fun times!

Anxiety runs in my family and DEFINITELY carried down to my ass, I’ve got depression of some type (can’t tell if it’s seasonal or what, though), deal with intrusive thoughts and am passively suicidal. My friends say I’m probably autistic as well as ADHD, though this has not been diagnosed (and probably won’t be for a few years), but I do show quite a few signs of both.

Of course, as my bio says, I’m super into hockey. My current banner is my own photo! Hockey’s kinda become a special interest of mine, and it’s actually really helped me through a lot of really tough times in my life, from loss to some really bad mental health problems. I’ve often thought, “there’s another game tomorrow” or “I’ve got next season to look forward to”, and it’s helped often.

My other interests (some are special) are, of course: music, rocks, animals, cars, that kinda deal. BUT I’m also really into fallout, and that’s why you’ll see me repost fallout stuff. I could go on about how much I love that series, but I can also go on about various artists and the history of sound recording, or I could go on about salmon and how much I love those little freaks (they’re one of my favorite animals!), or like… some dumb stuff I know about hockey. Did you know that “double teamed” is a real term used by announcers??? Well now you do. It means to block or guard an opponent with two players at once.

I’m into all sorts of music, from Tom Waits and Nick Cave, to Alice In Chains/Mad Season and Nirvana and Stone Temple Pilots, and then like… David Bowie and Vashti Bunyan and Connie Converse and Death Grips and Radiohead, then like… even weird, out-there wild ones like Derek Bailey and Anthony Braxton and shit. Weirdo free jazz kinda shit. Then I’m also into Pink Floyd and kinda getting into Led Zeppelin and The Doors, but I’m also really into Depeche Mode and Duran Duran and Naked Eyes and Kajagoogoo, then on top of THOSE guys, like… Johnny Cash, Colter Wall, Patsy Cline, etc. I’ve grown up around a whole ton of different music and my parents never let me shy away from discovering what sort of music I do or don’t like, and I do like quite a lot of shit… I actually have nearly my whole liked playlist on Spotify and would happily post a link if anyone would be interested in seeing it. I’ve got something for everyone in it.

(Oh yeah plus I make mashups and they SUCK so bad but it’s lowkey fun to see what works and what doesn’t and why…)

(OOOOH SHIT FORGOT I ALSO WRITE THINGS SO I DUNNO, MAYBE I’LL POST SOME FICS FROM TIME TO TIME???)

Oh yeah and, music aside, my OTHER favorite animals (currently) are jellyfish as well as salamanders, though I’m more partial to giant salamanders! Hellbenders are endemic to the US, is one of the state animals of Pennsylvania, and one of their nicknames (one of my absolute favorite ones, too) is lasagna lizard!

Also, my birthday is October 9th, making me a libra. That’s pretty cool

Thank you for reading, that was a lot, I know. I just… I dunno, want my mutuals to get to know me a little more and let random passerby’s know what this is about and who runs this blog I guess, that way if they have interest here, then… well, this is the stuff I’ll post about most likely, if I ever post- I dunno if I will. I may post my art more often, or something I do on guitar or whatever shitty mashup I’ve made recently in audacity or whatever. Or I’ll just… share music, I guess. I dunno. We’ll see!

Now go enjoy the rest of your day or night!! Or else!!!

—————— banner pic + hockey talk, ignore if you’d like! ——————

(My banner if I ever change it, ID: Jordan Eberle getting awarded his silver stick with his family, GM Ron Francis, and Kraken owner Sam Holloway, pregame, March 14th, 2024, Kraken V Capitals at Climate Pledge Arena, Seattle, WA.)

(Again, my own photo! Was a beautiful ceremony, loved being there even if the game resulted in a loss. Was really cool to see Alex Ovechkin, too, but also TJ Oshie! TJ is from Everett, so… I was personally more interested in seeing him that night, haha. He was actually nearing his own 1000th that night, he was at like… his 995th or something that night? Kinda neat!)

[nemjun]

please tell me every detail of u and tsukasa because I am beyond obsessed with you two

would you believe I had 2 whole ass paragraphs written when i switched tabs and lost it all??? this is hell, tumblr is hell.

annyways YES OK SELFSHIP SATURDAY LETS GO, UNDER A CUT BC IM SHY AND IM GONNA BE RAMBLY. TLDR, summed up as Me and the Bad Bitch I pulled by Being Autistic

I GOTTA BE HONEST, tsukasa was not it for me when i first started the series, but i was also busy chewing furiously on senku bc he's Neat. but I was sunk after we found out about Mirai he loves her SO MUCH. big stronk man good with children is an instant K.O., i was smitten so quick.

Dr Stone is actually the first series i ever Blatently self inserted into! it was a really good fit and I felt that i could just, genuinely suit the story setting bc 1) ADHD has blessed me with sprawling random curiosities and an accumulation of trivial but Useful knowledge and 2) I literally studied archaeology for my B.A. and bc I live in Canada most of our archaeologoy is based on the Indigenous population who was still using stone technology when first contact with europeans occurred. random note for anyone who might be parusing, the 'ages of history' such as stone, bronze, and iron, didn't occur across all of civilization unilaterally, and the technology used by people is not an indication of civility or advancement of a social group. Anyways.

My real life plan for after I finished Uni was to go and teach english in asia! This didn't happed for various reasons, but it presents a good opportunity for bending realty into fitting me into the series, ehe. I genuinley think it would be really funny if I got revived by the Tsukasa empire by complete accident, busting outta the stone speaking minimal japanese and being a literal scientist by education - i was put here to cause problems on purpose. Tsukasa and I would absolutely start out as bumping heads, not quiet immediatley but as someone Anti smashing people and pro science it gets hostile fast. Arguments are conducted largely thru translations via Ukyo, who i quickly grow attached to as the only person capable of commincating in fluent english (we also have birthdays close together and I Adore that, we're birthday buddies, v cute stuff) I gotta sidetrack for a second bc as much as I love this series theres SO MUCH STUFF THAT JUST ISNT ADDRESSED AND I GET ITS JUST A MANGA BUT IM A WEIRDO. like, what about the bees??? they were just chill after having simbiotic relationships with humans for thousands of years?? sure y not. k sorry

I do wonder tho, if Tsukasa would see me as a threat to the stability of his Empire. Even with poor communication with the majority of the group, I've got a decent set of leadership skills and a lil bit of charisma, and who wouldn't like me really - esp with all the useful knowledge i can bring to the table (yes im hyping myself but its also true, i know how to do pottery and i've experience with stone tools & the types of stone you can use). I think even if he did, I'd really only get put in time out if I was causing problems, and like Taiju and Yuzuriha I might have someone keeping an eye on me. Thing's between me and Tsukasa start to change when we manage to find common ground, using him to practice japanese and finding out about his sister and his feelings about wealth etc - admittedly this was Not Well convayed in the anime, but when he's beaten up while getting seashells on the beach, the adult is yelling at him bc he doesn't want kids running around and stealing from 'his' beach. And his mom sucks too. I think that's something we could bond over, having lousy times growing up. I think he'd also be sensitive to the fact that I'm so far from Home and all my friends and Family, he's very thoughtful like that.

Man this is already reallly long and i dont feel like I've really said much, but I think when it comes down to it, Tsukasa and I just share a lot of the same values. He's strong and kind and good hearted, and that makes me feel safe. He's just very caretaker coded to me and after thinking about it the last few days, i think thats something I'm really looking for in a partner. I think I also balance him out a little bit, make him look at a bigger picture and slow down to enjoy simpler things. When we start to get along a little bit, I like to think that I'd accompany him on simple outings to forage or something, or maybe I'd be able to drag him away for a little while to show him something Neat, or getting to teach him something. He teaches me how to fight a little bit as well, so that I'm better able to take care of myself.

I think that's all I've got for now, but it's nice to sit and think about it and write it down, maybe I'll do a lil more writing over the next few days :3 OH I ALMOST FORGOT, i did a star chart love compatability thing and what I got to read for free was SO FUNNY like, he's enchanted by my whimsy lmao

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

would like to be able to vent or just have some support. I'm a male - My body was... growth deformed by congenital defect and i just feel isolated. I am not thought of by the usual activist groupsbut i was subjected to a male variant of what also called "the Ashley Treatment" - my family's doctors insisted to them "would you really want to have to worry about what is for most purposes a baby or similar going up to through pubescence let alone get to be a man?"

Okay let me get this straight cuz maybe I didn't read that right. The doctor didn't think you would make it to adulthood so they told your parents not to even worry about it?

I am not familiar with Ashley treatment but I will look it up.

You are very welcome to talk to me and vent to me anytime. If you'd rather do it via messenger that is okay too because for some reason my asks are not allowing me to answer anything privately.

I have had my share of alienation being an undiagnosed autistic whose parents died very young and I was just left to figure out the World by myself and was pretty much just labeled a freaking a weirdo my entire life. I don't have very many friends I don't have any family to speak of except for one or two people and they're not anywhere local. So I can empathize on some level but not on others. I am also asking if anyone to read this that can help more than I can please go ahead and contact this person.

[rainbowdelicsunshine]

Hey! You’re awake! I love you!

Hello Beetle, love you too friend!!

I woke up at around 1:30 AM after sleeping off my cold at around 5 PM, I might fall back asleep sooner or later but that'll depend on if I manage to find something to do before the feeling of being tired gets to me

I've also thought about watching one or a few of my magical girl shows that I have on my magical girl Watch-a-Thon and To-Watch List

But since I have the huge habit of reading any given subtitles in any scenes in anything aloud and on top of that, I also like to use my time watching subbed anime in general as practice time for my voice acting (at least for the characters I'm able to give a voice for)

So it's usually advised that unless you can stand to listen to some weirdo autistic girl making up weird voices while watching anime, you would have to be in a different room or out of the house for a while

Plus it's currently 4:30 AM where I am and I don't wanna wake anyone up!

Thank you so very much for coming by Beetle, I just love seeing you around here so much! I hope I see you come back again and that you have an awesome evening or day!!

[samuraisharkie]

bruh you ever just realize you don’t have ANY friends outside of the two you’ve had since high school and like. of course they’re the ones that matter but like you don’t even have any casual friends you’d be comfortable hanging out with irl and vice versa or anything.

[lokislittlesigyn]

a personal post

((literally just a post about me as a person you do not have to engage with this if you don’t want to lol))

helloooooooooo

so the month is almost over, but after seeing a friend reblog some stuff about this and then reblogging it myself, i sort of got the Final Push to draw this and post this and i’m trying to be brave. :’D

so. april is autism acceptance month some people say “autism awareness” and while awareness is also important i like acceptance a bit more and i wanted to just. let y’all know! i am autistic!! hi!! it’s me!!!!

last year i went from not knowing what autism entailed to being diagnosed with it in the span of a few months. it was a wild ride. it’s taken me months to be able to Resist my deep-seated anxieties about “what if i gave a false positive without realizing it???” and try to embrace myself post-diagnosis. its been a little scary... most of the stuff id heard about autism beforehand was cruel, dehumanizing jokes, and truth be told, im still afraid people will mistreat me if/when they find out im autistic (just yesterday i told someone and i was literally shaking afterward), but i am trying to be brave anyway.

there is nothing wrong with being autistic, or having other kinds of neurodivergencies. this goes for any neurodivergency. we are not something to be cured or culled, we possess different kind of brain and these differences are beautiful. it can be hard because our world often isnt built for people who aren’t neurotypical, but that is reason for striving to do better for everyone.

this isn’t really going to change my content - although i have wondered if i write fics differently from others, or if i have accidentally slipped autism-esque mannerisms into fics... hmm...  - everything ive made has been mine, and everything i make will continue to be mine. i just know a bit more about myself now, and im trying to accept and express myself more and more. but this blog has already helped me start that, tbh. marvel and loki Specifically is ABSOLUTELY a huge special interest of mine. can you tell loki is one of my special interests???? can you tell i love him so so so much and want to give him the world??? well i do. he’s the absolute best.

i also wanted to tell people as a way to boost my confidence and give others, who may feel alienated, misunderstood, or broken, a possible help somehow. if it wasnt for the therapists who helped me, i would probably still think i’m an unintelligent, strange, over-sensitive, takes-things-too-seriously weirdo who will simply never fit in and who will never feel truly safe with anyone. so if i can mention something that piques one’s curiosity, and potentially leads them to a helpful diagnosis? that’s worth it.

if you have any autistic friends, maybe take some time to talk to them and ask them if there’s a way you can support them! i also suggest just, reaching out to friends in general. go talk to someone. be kind to someone. ask about them and listen attentively. be good to one another, okay? and be good to yourself. <3