#and also you know i never got a proper graduation and ending to my high school years bc it was 2020 so there's that

[moongreenlight]

More childhood best friend!Gaz headcanons because I cannot stop thinking about him

He’s your valentine every single year. Started as his dad trying to teach him proper etiquette when he was young and just never stopped. A bouquet of flowers on your stoop and a cheap card he scratches a note into. Never signs his name. Just ends ‘xx.’

He chaperoned your first real date in high school because your dad paid for his tank of gas. The guy you were keen on never called you back after. It took you until you were seventeen to realize that it was probably because Kyle was sitting on the same side of the booth as you and spoon feeding you bites of dinner.

He also ruined your first real relationship when he beat your boyfriend to asking you to formal (a full two months early). You tried to explain that it didn’t mean anything, but he just couldn’t understand. Kyle said it was for the better while you sobbed into his shoulder. “Tosser can’t cope with the fact he’ll always be second place. Better not to waste your time.”

His basic training was 26 weeks away from home. He went immediately after picking up his diploma. It was the most miserable summer of your entire life. Spent primarily waiting by the mailbox for the postman to deliver your daily letters back and forth. He’s started signing off “Garrick. x.”

Both of your families went to his graduation, but his mother insisted you were the one to tap him out. You barely recognized him, like the summer where his family took a month long vacation and he came back a full four inches taller. He’s bigger now, his shoulders permanently rolled back, but he still carries himself with that same cool ease.

He barely stays long enough to say his hello’s to everyone until he takes you back to the car and lays you out in the backseat. Griping the whole way about how “you’d be in a hurry, too. Couldn’t even get away with a wank in the shower.” And “s’your duty to the country. You wanna thank me for my service, don’t you?” You swear the two of you fit easier six months ago, but now he’s cramped between the seats. Caged in tight. His head bumps the window each time he snaps his hips into you.

You seriously considered moving close to base when you found out he was being permanently relocated after joining the task force, but he wouldn’t hear a word about it.

So you settle on sending each other disposable cameras back and forth. You’ve got a picture of him on a mission in Amsterdam framed up in your hall. He’s got a cigarette hanging out of his big, toothy smile, posing like an overexcited tourist in front of a lingerie shop with a display window that made your ears hot when you first saw it.

He called you a few days after his incident with the helo in Urzikstan. Boasted his adventure with only a whispering tremble on the soft underside of his tough facade. Carried on until you wretched dryly into the receiver. Working yourself up into sick with worry even though he promised he was fine, just sticking to the ground for a bit.

Even though you’re seeing him less nowadays, he’s still somehow coming between you and any romantic pursuits you make. You chalk it up to coincidence most of the time, but a blind eye can only be turned so far.

He seems to have a sixth sense for when you’re on a date or a one night stand. Sending texts and pictures that could be misconstrued as flirty to someone who didn’t know the dynamic at just the wrong moment every time. And there was the one time where he sent flowers to your desk at work just a few days after you’d said something about a coworker getting sweet on you.

It happened so often that you eventually decided that the dating scene just wasn’t for you. Resigned to focus on work and friends. Adopting a new mantra of “if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”

You’ve got no idea why Kyle is so pleased to hear about the conclusion you’ve come to. Or why he’s suddenly coming back home for a few weeks.

[kaciidubs]

Open Heart

❣ Summary: When you don't know what to say or do, when life starts living you, you can always rely on Chris to bring you back. ❣  ❣ Word Count: 3.2k ❣ Warnings: Mental breakdown, existential crisis, implied panic attack, angst, fluff, comfort, crying, Supportive BF! Chris, Reader is a mess mentally and emotionally, discussions of family, careers, life, and the future, self doubt, self deprecation, mentioned disassociation ❣  ❣ Female! Reader [No use of Y/N] | You/Your pronouns ❣  ❣ Additional Tags: Chan is referred to as Chris, Channie, Baby, Christopher, and Christopher Bahng [wowie], Reader is referred to as Princess, Baby, Love, Sweet Girl, this is the one that's personal so I'm sorry if you can relate but also you're not alone ❣ Stray Kids Masterlist ❣ General Masterlist

“Yeah, dad, I know... Mhm... No, I haven’t heard back from them yet, but it’s only been a week since I applied so... Yeah, I know…”

You paced the living room of your apartment, holding your phone to your ear as you did your best to tame the headache brewing in your head. 

“I know you do, it’s just - there’s so many things I can do with my degree, I’m just trying to figure out what I want to do... I know... Yeah... Okay... Talk to you later... Love you too, bye.” 

Ending the call, you tossed your phone onto the couch with a heavy sigh - the weight of the world piling on top of stress already weighing on your shoulders. 

Everything sucked - almost as if the world was out to get you for simply existing; years of doing what was right, doing what you were supposed to, only for you to still feel like you weren’t doing enough. 

People pleasing. 

A wave of guilt made your stomach turn, tears stinging behind your eyes as you stood in the silence, yet it still felt so loud. 

You knew your dad meant well, your parents meant well, your family meant well, but every question, every poorly veiled nudge of ‘What’s your next big move going to be? You’ve been stagnant for so long.’ ate at your psyche at every turn. You felt like you did everything; you graduated high school in the high percentage of your class, you went to college, you graduated as a first generation student after five excruciatingly long years - yet through all that they still wanted more from you. 

A pleasure to have known. You have so much potential.

If you had a dime for the amount of times you’ve heard those words, you would’ve been a millionaire by now. 

A shaky breath rattled in your chest as you sighed, your hands rising to cup your rapidly heating face. “Fuck... F-Fuck.”

Your vision blurred, salty tears stinging your eyes before burning fiery trails down your cheeks with no signs of stopping. 

When was it going to be enough? When were you going to be enough? 

Your breath hitched, choking on a sob that your body refused to let go - not now, not right now. You were still young, you had so much potential - so why did it feel like you were being rushed? Why did it feel like everyone saw some invisible clock above you, counting down the days until you’d become useless? 

Wasted potential - those words always used to scare you, the famous buzzwords of any educator wanting to instill proper work ethic in their students; the future of the workforce. 

Wasted potential - that’s what you were beginning to feel at your 9-5; a quaint little job you kept throughout your final semester, something that got the bills paid and kept a little more in your savings. 

Wasted potential - that’s what you felt when your days began blending together, when you realized disassociation was your coping mechanism until your mouse hovered over ‘clock out’. 

You wanted to do so much, so much, but there was never enough time in the day - they were never ideas that would earn you a proper living wage, a career path your family wouldn’t agree with. 

Your body shook as a sob finally tore through your silent cries, your head throbbing as air tried to force its way into your lungs - crying never used to hurt like this.

Your world spun, it felt like time froze while speeding up, but all you could do was cry - stand in your living room and cry like a reprimanded child because you weren’t doing what you were supposed to. 

“Princess?” 

Your eyes snapped open behind your fingers, quickly registering a bigger, warmer pair wrapping around your wrists. 

“Baby, can you hear me?” 

Guilt. 

Chris was home early, and instead of relaxing like he deserved, he now had to tend to you - crying over the same thing you cried over four months ago. 

He felt you tense, he could see the spiral of overthinking, and his grip tightened, “Hey, hey, it’s just me - it’s just me, princess.” 

You sniffled, biting back another sob as you shook your head, “’M s-sorry-” 

“Shh, don’t apologize - you don’t have to apologize, not to me, not for this.” 

Understanding - he was always so good at that, making sure you knew you weren’t the problem of anything; he always joked he got better at it from you. 

Another wave of tears surged through you, nearly making you double over at the rush of fresh emotions popping off in your brain, your jaw tensing as you tried to stifle the illegible babbling falling from your lips. 

“I- It’s- I can’t- And- It’s just so-” 

Chris pulled you into his chest, one arm wrapping around your shoulders while the other cradled the back of your neck, his thumb rubbing circles just behind your ear. “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay - I’m here, you’re okay.” 

He blinked away his own tears, the sounds of your cries breaking his heart when he entered the apartment, and now the feeling of your body shaking against his like a fall leaf utterly tearing him apart inside. 

You weren’t sure how long you both stood there, him whispering words of comfort in your ear while you stained his black hoodie with your tears, but you slowly came out of your breakdown with uneven breaths - your hands holding onto his hoodie as if he was your lifeline. 

He was your lifeline.

“Can we go to the bedroom, princess? Can we manage that?” He cooed softly, a soft smile settling on his lips as he felt you nod. “Okay, we’ll go slow, yeah?” 

True to his word, he slowly led you into the bedroom with shuffling steps, noting how you clung to him like a baby koala, as if you separated from him at any point you’d float away into space. 

Sitting on the bed first, he scooted toward the middle of the mattress and you quickly followed suit; crawling toward him before laying your head on his chest, tangling your legs with his while he pulled you into his side. 

It was quiet, save for the occasional hiccuped breath and sniffle, the sound of his heartbeat slowing the thudding in your own head, the rise and fall of his chest reminding you how to breathe again.

“Love?” 

You hummed softly, your free hand nonchalantly playing with the drawstring of his hoodie. 

“Wanna talk about what happened?” 

Dropping your hand to lay flat on his chest, you took a deep breath to fight back another round of tears threatening to come out. “I... My dad called to check in, see how we were doing and all... He wanted to know if I found a different job yet, one that uses my degree, and I told him I hadn’t.” Swallowing thickly, you squeezed your eyes shut as you continued, “He’s worried that I’m not using my full potential, that I’m not getting paid what I should - and I don’t blame him, really, I went to college for a reason and everything, but it just feels like I'm being rushed into making another decision I’m not ready for." 

“Another decision like picking your major?” Chris chimed in - he’d remembered you telling him about your realization of wanting to switch majors in your junior year, but ultimately choosing not to since you were close to graduating at the time. 

You nodded, “I know he means well, I love my dad, I love my family, but it just feels like they don’t understand that I'm just...tired. I’m so, so tired that the idea of getting a new job - when I’ve only been at this one for just over a year - makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Fuck, the fact that I’ve been at this job for a year makes my skin crawl because this isn't what I want.”

Picking mindlessly at a few cotton pills collected on the fabric of his hoodie, a heavy sigh escaped you, “I feel like all I’ve been doing my whole life is performing for other people, catering to other people, to the point that I don’t even know who I am. I’ve always been told all these great things about myself, but-” A hot tear rolled across the bridge of your nose, “I don’t believe them, at all. Everyone sees all this potential in me and it drives me crazy because I don’t see potential in myself.”

Your name rolled off of his tongue softly, with so much care and gentleness that it made your heart hurt more because he’d been part of the crowd singing your praises and you practically confessed that you didn’t believe him. 

“Princess, my sweet, sweet girl…” 

“C-Chris, I’m-” 

“Please,” he cut you off with a gentle squeeze, “you already know what I’m gonna say if the next words out of that pretty mouth of yours are ‘I’m sorry’.”

Sighing softly, you accepted that fate as his right hand slid down your arm to take your hand in his, another gentle squeeze to remind you that he’s right here. 

“I just... I don’t know what I’m going to do.” 

“Well,” Chris hummed softly, taking in the way your smaller fingers threaded between his own, “what is it you want to do?” 

It was almost as if you stopped breathing, guilt and shame swirling around in your head at his question - the golden question everyone had, but never got the full answer to. 

“...open heart?” 

This time it was Chris’s turn to falter, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of your tear stained face. “Open heart, princess, always.” 

Open heart, something you’d both established years ago in your relationship as a way of asking for full attention - reestablishing that you both were in a safe space with zero judgment, remaining heart to heart with one another. 

“I-” You paused, fighting against the will of your mind wanting to keep yourself protected, from being seen. “I... I don't want to do anything…”

Before he even had the chance to breathe, you jumped into the defensive, “A-And I know that’s stupid- I’m in such a position so early on in my life and there’s so much I can do, but, baby, I’m at a point right now that I can’t see myself working a 9-5 for the next month, let alone another 40-or so years of my life!” Panic quickly began to set in as your thoughts ran a mile a minute, your brain begging you to stop but your heart pleading for you to get rid of this weight. “I can’t be a girl boss, I don’t want to be independent, I-I just wanna be taken care of and loved and supported - I wanna take care of all the things at home and be the one helping you reset after those stressful days. I wanna learn about myself and my hobbies and discover what kind of person I really am underneath all of these learned traits. And I’m sorry, I know, it’s pathetic, it’s shameful, it’s selfish to want to put all of this onto you-” 

The sound of your name falling firm from his lips stopped you in your tracks, your blood running cold as you laid as still as you could be against him. 

“Open heart means we can’t speak for each other, remember that rule?” His tone was softer, light and teasing, quelling the tinge of fear spoiling every word you spoke as you nodded. “Okay, good - now, can I say something, or would you like to continue?” 

“Please say something, Channie.” 

“Alright, first and foremost, don’t ever, ever call anything you want ‘stupid’ - your desires are what make you you, and that includes wanting that 24-inch green matcha squishmallow.” 

He felt your body shake - short laugh, a huff of air, a sign that he was breaking through.

“Second, I don’t think you wanting to be provided for is pathetic or shameful or selfish - it takes a strong person to admit that, and at the end of the day I think that’s what everyone wants in their own special form; somewhere they feel safe, cared for, loved. And, you’re not putting it all on me,” he felt you tense, but his hand held firm to yours, “because I want to be that for you. I want to provide for you, take care of you, handle all the things that are too big and scary for you to figure out on your own. I want to give you the freedom to explore and be yourself, pursue what you want and don’t want to do - and if that makes you ‘selfish’ then, princess, I’m the most selfish person of them all.”

“You-” your voice cracked, throat raw and sore, “You don’t mean that, baby, please-”

“C’mere.” He huffed, pulling you up with him as he sat up before tapping your thigh, signaling for you to sit on his lap - and once you were situated, he cupped your face in his hands, “I would never lie to you, you hear me? Since the day we met I knew I wanted to do everything in my power to care for you, even when we were just friends and you would join the kids in teasing me about how old I was even though you weren’t too far off yourself.” 

Your pouted lips morphed into a sad smile and he had to stop himself from cooing over how cute you looked, even with puffy eyes and an even puffier face.

“Plus, I’ve been taking care of seven other people for the better half of five years, what makes you think I don’t want to do the same for the love of my life?”

Teary eyes searched his for any sign of dishonesty, but all you found was overflowing truth and love, a fresh breath of acceptance cooling your lungs like drinking ice water after eating a mint.

“Open heart?” You murmured softly, taking his hands in your own before pulling them off of your, embarrassingly sore, face.

He nodded, ducking his head to press a fleeting kiss to your knuckles.

“I was always a little jealous of you, you know that?”

“Me?!” 

The shocked squeak in his voice made a giggle, a genuine giggle, bubble up inside of you and you nodded in earnest. 

“Yeah, you. I always felt like I was so far behind everyone around me when it came to having their passions in order, having their lives in order, and when I met you all I could think about was how sure of yourself you were - how you were able to follow through and actually do what you love for a living not only because people around you supported you, but because you believed in yourself.” Dropping your gaze to your entwined hands, you traced your thumbs along his knuckles, “You always knew what you wanted and you worked toward it - I always wished I could be like that, I still do.”

“Baby, you know you can’t-”

“-compare my life to yours, yeah, yeah, I know.”

He didn’t miss the lilt of playfulness highlighting your words, a smile finding its way to his face as he shot you a lighthearted glare, “No mocking! But, really, you shouldn’t - we come from completely different backgrounds, and if anything I’m more jealous of you than you are of me; there’s so many things you’ve done that I haven’t had the chance to experience.”

You let out an incredulous scoff, tilting your head inquisitively, “Like what? Work a draining part time job in the food industry?”

“Yes!” Though he was laughing, you could still hear the serious notes in his voice, “You got to work retail, you went on family vacations whenever you wanted, you fucking graduated college before I did!”

“Okay, first of all, all of my horror stories should deter you from ever wanting to become a retail employee in your near future!” Dropping his hand, you poked him in the chest with a faux glare, “Second, I guess you’ve got me there - between how often I’ve seen my family compared to you, I do win that spot… But that last one you definitely have over me, Mr. Double Major!”

“Oh shut up - you’re a graduate, I’m still in classes; you didn’t have to go from having practice at 8 but an exam due at 8:30, while still needing two demo tracks ready for the first listen at 10!”

The two of you dissolved into a mess of giggles and smiles, whatever tension remained melting away with each melodic sound that escaped you.

“Princess?”

You hummed, a soft smile settling on your lips, “Yeah, Channie?”

“Open heart,” Chris started warmly, deep brown eyes sparkling with a love only you could know, “I want you to know that I meant every word I said - I do want to take care of you, physically, mentally, financially, whatever way you’ll let me. And - not to sound cocky or anything, but I definitely make enough to support the both of us with no issue. Aside from that, I want to build a life with you - so if that life includes you being the hottest stay at home wife then it’s the best life I could’ve ever asked for because you’re in it.”

A wave of heat rushed over you as butterflies erupted in your stomach, “Stay at home wife, hm?” 

Of course, you paid attention to everything else he said, but you didn’t think you’d be able to say anything on it without bursting into tears again.

“Would you prefer stay at home mom? I mean, you’ve already got seven kids calling you it anyways - and I can’t lie, it does have a nice ring to it.” He grinned, releasing your other hand to wind his arms around your waist, scooting your body closer to his.

Rolling your eyes at his less than subtle tease, you snaked your arms around his shoulders, nails playing with the hairs at the nape of his neck, “Let’s just start with stay at home girlfriend and see where we go from there, yeah?”

“So you’ll quit tomorrow?”

“Christopher!” You stood no chance in holding back the burst of laughter that escaped you, narrowly avoiding knocking your head against his as you shook with unabashed giggles, “Tomorrow? You sound like you’ve been waiting for this confession to come!”

“Baby, I was one more angry rant of your supervisor ‘springing last minute work onto you’ away from quitting for you.”

Reeling yourself back in, you leaned forward to capture his lips in a soft kiss, your world finally feeling like the pieces were slowly falling into place - or, at the very least, revealing themselves to you. “I love you, Christopher Bahng, wholly and truthfully, there’s no words in the entire galaxy to express how much you mean to me.”

He held you tight, pressing his forehead against yours with a soft sigh, “I love you more, more than you ever know, more than all the stars in this universe and the next. Whatever you decide, whatever you want, I’ll give it to you - just say the word.”

“Does that include ordering takeout for dinner tonight so we can keep cuddling?”

“Find a menu while I change?”

“Order it while I wash my face?”

“Deal.”

Everything sucked, sure, and there was still much left to figure out - but with Chris by your side, you realized that things could get better with an open mind and an open heart.

[dixons-sunshine]

Shopping Spree, Hangout Dreams AU Headcannons: Part Three | Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader

Word count: 861.

A/n: So I've made it a habit recently to post a fic every one-two days, but I was extremely busy today, so I didn't have time to start working on any of my other requests. I still wanted to post something, though, so here's a part three to my personal headcannons for the SSHD AU that nobody asked for. This is mostly set in the future but before the outbreak. I hope y'all like these! If you wanna see more, let me know.

➳༻❀✿❀༺➳

★ After graduating high school, you went to college to get a degree in teaching.

★ Daryl didn't go to college, however. He felt like more school was unnecessary for him, but he encouraged you to do it since he knew you wanted to become a teacher.

★ Daryl managed to land a job as an apprentice of sorts to a mechanic and got a second job as a bouncer after a while, and used some (most of it but he didn't tell you that) of the money to help pay for your tuition and textbooks.

★ You had your suspicions about it, and got a job of your own to help pay for everything. However, Daryl shot down any talks of you getting a second job, claiming that one job was already hard enough added on top of college.

★ The two of you rented a crappy, worn down apartment until you graduated and landed a full-time teaching job at a kindergarten near Atlanta, and you and Daryl finally managed to upgrade to a decent apartment.

★ Once the two of you had settled down and had gotten hitched at the courthouse, you invited your mother over for a housewarming of sorts.

★ She definitely tore into you both for eloping, but in the end, she was ultimately happy for the two of you.

★ She started teasingly calling you Mrs Dixon at every opportunity, and playfully threatening Daryl that if he ever broke your heart, she'd kill him.

★ She was a decade too late for that talk, however, so Daryl paid it no mind whatsoever.

★ Your mom was practically your best friend, so when she died three years later due to cancer, you were devastated.

★ You regretted not having a proper wedding like your mom had wanted you to have, but Daryl assured you that she didn't hate you for it.

★ Daryl was also heartbroken. He couldn't believe that the sweet woman who had basically taken him in was dead.

★ It was a hard couple of months after that, but Daryl refrained from falling into old habits and distancing himself to deal with his emotions alone. He reminded himself that you were a team and that you needed him more than ever at that moment. He couldn't pull away at a time like that.

★ Things got better with time. With the both of you taking the time to properly grieve and mourn, it got easier. The sadness when you thought of her death never fully vanquished, but with time, you were feeling better, visiting her grave whenever you had the chance.

★ When you and Daryl moved from the trailer park all those years ago, he didn't tell anyone from his family where he was going.

★ He didn't even tell his father. He just packed his bags with his things and silently disappeared from the trailer.

★ Merle didn't know about it, either. Daryl loved his brother but he knew what a dick he was and what he involved himself in, and he didn't want that in his new life with you. He wanted to start fresh, wipe the slate clean.

★ It was a couple of months before the outbreak when you and Daryl saw Merle again. You were walking around, doing grocery shopping, when you bumped into him.

★ Merle was immensely surprised when he noted the wedding rings on both of your fingers, and demanded to know why he wasn't invited to the wedding.

★ However, he guessed he shouldn't have been surprised when Daryl bitterly spat out that there wasn't a wedding and that you eloped. If he knew anything about Daryl, it's that he doesn't do big, fancy events.

★ About a month before the outbreak, you started feeling nauseous and more tired than usual. A total of three pregnancy tests confirmed that the reason for that wasn't because you were ill, but because you had a life growing inside of you.

★ Daryl was surprised to find out you were pregnant. Neither of you planned the pregnancy and it was extremely unexpected.

★ However, you both decided to keep the baby.

★ Daryl was scared of what parenthood had in store for him. He didn't want to end up like his father or be even worse than him.

★ It took for you to gently talk him through his fears for him to start calming down.

★ After he was calmed down, he allowed himself to feel happy. The two of you were in a stable environment with enough money between the both of you to accommodate a baby, so he felt himself relax.

★ That didn't last long, because soon the two of you would hear about the dead rising and see the news reports that warn you to evacuate immediately.

©dixons-sunshine 2024. I do not give permission for my works to be copied, modified, adapted or translated to any other site or platform without evidence of my given consent.

[oatmilk-vampire]

Once Bitten, Twice Shy || Steddie (A/B/O)

Omega!Steve Harrington x Alpha!Eddie Munson

Summary: It's been a year since Steve and Eddie last saw one another. It's been a year since Steve broke Eddie's heart. Now they have to pretend like everything was fine at Christmas with all of their friends.

Based off of the best Christmas song EVER Last Christmas by Wham! Mostly because I've always been stuck on that one particular line I used for my title.

Word count: 4.4k of whump and happy ending.

TW: infertility

A/n: More subtle a/b/o dynamics, can almost be read as a slightly different human au.

Christmas was never special for Steve.

Not in the way it was for the rest of America’s children. One might think Steve had a fantastic holiday with how rich the Harringtons were. That he was spoiled rotten. Maybe he was. He wouldn’t deny having grown up with a literal silver spoon in his mouth, but his Christmases were filled with white lights and fancy dinner parties. Sure he got toys occasionally but not the kind he wanted. Toys his parents insisted would shape him up into a big, strong, proper alpha rather than the play kitchens and baby dolls he so wished for. He also wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa, he was well aware “Santa” was really just the kids’ own parents. He had no reason to be on the nice list because it didn’t exist. He’d get his presents no matter what. Plus why be good if he didn’t get what he actually wanted?

He also got preppy, snobbish clothes that he only just recently started getting away from and breaking into his own style.

His first real Christmas was when he dated Nancy, and each subsequent year only seemed to get better even after they broke up.

Until last Christmas.

After Steve’s parents disowned him for presenting as an omega, he feared his life was over. All his life he was raised to be an alpha, but no matter the rigorous conditioning he underwent you can’t control who you are. He was born this way. He couldn’t change who he was. He hated himself for a while there, thinking he really was as worthless as his parents had led him to believe but that all changed when he got to know Eddie.

Whereas Steve still acted as a fierce protector to the kids (even if it bordered on maternal), he didn’t ever have to be the de facto leader with Eddie. Eddie took it on naturally. Maybe that has to do with him being an alpha.

Unlike all the knothead alphas Steve associated himself with before he presented, Eddie was nothing like them. He was a gentle giant. He took his role as alpha very seriously, yes, but he would never dominate. He would never try to take advantage of any omega, especially Steve.

When everyone thought Steve was going to be an alpha, they all wanted a piece of him. Then when he was outed as an omega by none other than Tommy and Carol, all the alphas wanted a piece of him. They wanted to control the once king of Hawkins High. To mate him. To claim him.

It made Steve sick to think about what would have happened had Eddie not stepped in and effectively repelled all other alphas with his own cinnamon and pine scent that he constantly left all over Steve even if they were just together as friends.

Until they weren’t. After they both finally graduated high school Eddie asked to court Steve, and Steve wholeheartedly agreed. He knew he trusted Eddie with his life. He knew he could trust him with his heart. He loved him.

Loved.

What a strong word. It could mean everything, or nothing all the same depending on who uttered it.

Steve always meant it, and he’s pretty sure Eddie did too… Steve’s not sure when Eddie might have stopped, but he’s pretty sure it probably happened some time last Christmas.

They had been through three separate, unprotected, synced heats and ruts.

After the claiming bite is exchanged heats and cycles sync, after that the success rate of getting an omega pregnant during their heat is nearly unavoidable even with protections and birth control present. If it was unprotected then the omega was sure to fall pregnant.

At least that’s what the brochures taught Steve when he presented. That’s what the brochures taught Steve when he returned to the reproductive specialist. That’s what society taught him.

They all taught him he was, as he always feared, broken.

Because no matter how often Steve and Eddie mated, on their heats and ruts or off, Steve could not get pregnant.

It was virtually unheard of for an omega to face infertility. Infertility only really ran in betas, and even then it only ever affected one in six.

There’s no reason why Steve wasn’t able to give Eddie pups.

The doctors couldn’t even give him a reason or treatment plan to fix his unexplained infertility. He just had to cope with it.

Eddie tried to comfort Steve through it but Steve knew how hard it was on Eddie too. Steve knew Eddie deserved to have a big family of his own one day, little pups running around with messes of dark curls upon their heads.

Steve had hoped he’d be a part of that fantasy. He hoped his six little nuggets would have his eyes and Eddie’s hair, a combination of Steve’s athletic abilities and Eddie’s musical talent.

His dream turned into a never-ending nightmare in the blink of an eye.

As much as Eddie said all he needed was Steve, Steve knew better. He’s seen how Eddie was with Dustin and the rest of the Party. Eddie needed a big family, he deserved to be the good father he never got to have.

Which is why Steve did the unimaginable last Christmas.

It was Steve and Eddie’s first Christmas since learning they couldn’t mate, and Eddie was trying to make it memorable and good for them, a break from all the anguish they had been dealing with for the past few months.

Steve on the other hand gave Eddie the greatest gift of all: Freedom.

Eddie cried, begged, bargained, but Steve wouldn’t have any of it.

If Eddie was any other alpha, Steve knows he wouldn’t have been able to get away with walking out on them after they’d already each exchanged claiming bites. He might even end up dead for messing with an alpha like that, and the sheriffs wouldn’t even bat an eye. Except for maybe Hopper, but still.

But Eddie wasn’t any other alpha. Instead he let Steve go, knowing he wouldn’t force him to stay.

Eddie moved out, his decision, Steve was already leaving him. He wouldn’t make him physically leave their– his home too. Eddie returned to live with Uncle Wayne, the only one who learned of their separation.

They agreed to keep this secret, there was no reason to upset everyone or make them feel like they had to take sides. An alpha and omega separating after exchanging claiming marks was almost as unheard of as omega infertility anyway. They took turns going to events or games or parties, in some sick fashion it’s almost like they had joint custody or something.

When their heats and ruts approached they agreed to spend it with one another since they were still synced and it’s always safer to have a mate than not. Plus it was considerably more disastrous for them to be mated and not spend it with one another. They worked out a system, Eddie would let himself in the night before it was due to start for them and in the morning when it hit they’d sniff each other out and do what biology instructed them to. They could hardly remember the visits anyway. After it was over Eddie would slip back away undetected until the next time.

This Christmas would be the first time they see each other. This Christmas would be the first time they speak face to face. This Christmas would be the first time they had to pretend to be a couple in front of everyone.

Steve hadn’t used suppressants in a very long time but he did today. Eddie’s scent would forever be mingled with his, but that wouldn’t stop everyone from being able to sniff out the soured notes he’d take on due to his discomfort. Only the betas wouldn’t be able to smell his scent, but the young alphas and omegas they cared so much for were loud mouths and would be sure to ask what his problem is.

He wondered if Eddie would do the same.

He guesses he’ll find out soon enough.

He pulls into the Munson trailer driveway, leaving his car running so it’d be warm for Eddie as he approached the door.

Almost immediately after knocking on it it opened. He expects to see Eddie, but instead it’s Uncle Wayne.

Steve instantly feels embarrassed but he doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s because he broke his nephew’s heart and forced him to move back in with his uncle at the age of twenty-four.

“Steve, Merry Christmas!” He's just as happy to see him as he was the last time Steve saw him back when he and Eddie were still a happy couple and he hadn’t ruined everything.

“Merry Christmas, Un– Uh, um.” He clears his throat. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Munson.”

The older man shakes his head.

“Please, still call me Wayne. You’re family kid, even if you two are taking a break.”

It’s more than just a break. Steve thinks but nods and puts on a small smile.

“Thank you, Wayne.”

“Please, come in. He should be just a moment longer. You know how he is with his hair.” He rolls his eyes goodnaturedly and Steve can’t help but laugh, Wayne’s friendliness doing wonders at ebbing away at his nerves.

“Well, I’m the same way so I can’t really speak on that.” He touches his perfectly done hair. It’s not as big as he used to wear it, but he still used Faberge Organics and Farrah Fawcett spray.

“You boys, I swear.” He redirects his attention to the kitchen they just entered. “Would you like some eggnog?”

“Oh, is it spiked? I’m driving tonight so I better not…”

“Nonsense. I have both options for you. I’ll get you the regular kind.” He waved off his protests and brought down a glass and retrieved the carton from the fridge.

“Oh, thank you! I appreciate it.” For me? Surely he didn’t mean he actually got both options for me specifically…

“Of course. It’s the least I can do since you’re apparently going to be waiting here ‘til the new year.” He says a little louder so his nephew could hear.

“I’m coming! Jeez. Give a guy a break.” Eddie skids to a stop right in front of Steve and he has to rush to drink his eggnog so his mouth doesn’t do anything stupid like gape or drool or confess his darkest secrets like how he’s still very much in lo-

“Hi.” Eddie addresses him, “Merry Christmas, Stevie. You look handsome as ever.”

Steve suddenly wishes he had taken Wayne up on his original alcoholic ‘nog offer.

“Hi. Thanks, you too. Merry Christmas.” Steve says and definitely does not stutter, nope, not at all.

Eddie was wearing all black, his clothes looked new. Nothing he’d ever seen before and it didn’t even show the faded look black clothes get after just a few washes. Eddie dressed up for this.

He tries to ignore the thought but it comes anyway.

Eddie dressed up for me.

It hasn’t ever really happened before, but Steve feels underdressed in his classic Christmas sweater and Levi’s.

Steve breaths in and realizes he can’t smell Eddie’s scent either.

They stand in silence, lost in each other’s eyes until Uncle Wayne reminds them they had a party to attend to.

“Oh, right. Yeah, of course. We’re just… Running fashionably late.” Steve supplies as he suddenly remembers he left his engine running. “Oh shit. Yeah, we gotta go otherwise I may be out of gas or the battery will be dead or something.”

Eddie cocks his head to the side, “You having car troubles or something? You know I can fix them for you.”

Of course Steve knew Eddie could fix his car, but he wouldn’t have gone to him even if he was having car troubles.

“No, I just left it running so it’d be warm for you.”

Wayne laughs at his confession before pushing them both closer to the door.

“Well you better get a move on then.”

“See you later, Wayne.”

“Yeah see you la—” Steve stops himself, biting his lip before deciding to continue his sentence. He likely would see Wayne later, he did have to drop Eddie back off later anyway.

He clears his throat. “See you later. Merry Christmas.”

Wayne acts like he’s somehow read Steve’s mind, if the look on his face is any indication. “Merry Christmas, son. Real nice seeing you.”

Steve blinked rapidly to control his urge to cry. “You too.”

Steve practically rushes out to his car before he’s slamming his door shut and buckling up as he waits for Eddie to meander over like they had all the time in the world.

“You ran outta there like your ass was on fire.” his ex states as he slides into Steve’s passenger side.

“Just want to make sure we get there.”

“You do?”

“Well, yeah.” He puts his car in reverse before pulling out onto the road. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Well you seemed to deliberately try to sabotage your car.”

“I did not. As I said, I was trying to be nice and keep it warm for you. Excuse me for trying not to be a dick, I see that role’s already taken by you.”

Eddie hummed but shook his head, “You’re seriously not bothered about tonight?”

“What about it?” It’s stupid for Steve to ask. Of course he knows what Eddie’s onto.

He’s been dreading it since Halloween.

“About us pretending like everything is okay between us. You don’t think they’ll know? Or at least ask questions?”

“What kind of questions?” Steve really needs to stop doing this to himself. Maybe he’s a masochist.

Eddie shoots him a look like he’s really trying to understand Steve, like he’s trying to look into his soul.

“About why we still don’t have any pups.”

Steve flinches as if Eddie had just hit him rather than state the obvious.

“I don’t know.”

“They’re going to ask.” Eddie insists.

“I know.”

“So what do we say?”

“I don’t know! Jesus, it feels like we’re going in circles here.” His hands tighten on the steering wheel as Eddie sighs.

“They’re not young and dumb anymore. Sure they’re still a little stupid, but they’ll know it’s out of the norm.”

Steve has to stop himself from quirking a smile at that. They were still a little stupid.

“We tell them research shows not every mated couple has pups right away. That there’s a benefit to waiting.” As if they had a choice.

“Will they believe that?”

“You said it yourself, they’re still a little stupid.”

Eddie laughs despite himself, easing the knot coiling in Steve’s stomach.

“What if they insist something’s wrong? They took Sex Ed, you know.”

“Then we tell them our sex life is none of their business. Then I’ll ask them if they want to know how big your–”

“Okay! Okay, you win.” He laughs again, much harder this time. “As much as I enjoy a little flattery, let’s maybe not traumatize them more than they already are.”

“Hey, you asked.”

They drive in silence for the rest of the ride, only looking to one another as they pull up to the bustling house alive with lights and decorations.

Steve hadn’t even put any up this year, and thinking back on it the Munson trailer was pretty lacking too – except for a wreath on the door.

Eddie must be feeling bit more festive that Steve because he quickly pulls on a black santa hat from seemingly nowhere.

Steve worries his lip, too lost in thought to notice Eddie unbuckling and exiting.

Was he going to leave him here?

Steve doesn’t stress for too long, though, because he soon realizes Eddie is only moving around the front to open Steve’s door for him.

“Oh, thank you.” Steve accepts the hand to help him out.

“Sure thing, sweetheart.”

Steve freezes at the term of endearment.

“Eddie,” he warns but Eddie only shakes his head.

“We’ll need to use them once we’re inside, right? I figured it’d be okay while we were outside too.”

Oh. Oh.

Of course it’s okay. Eddie was just playing along with Steve’s plan, after all, he’s the one who left him last Christmas. He’s the one who insisted they pretend like everything was okay.

“Right. Sorry. Just… Sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Steve almost jerks at how earnest Eddie sounds. Not that Eddie hasn’t been serious before, but he just wasn’t expecting this. Not here.

“It’s fine.” Steve mumbles, mentioning how they should head in is just on the tip of his tongue.

“It’s not. I’m sorry. I know last year was rough on us, but I thought we were handling it good. I’m sorry you felt the need to leave but I completely understand. You shouldn’t be with an alpha who can’t even give you pups. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you, Stevie. I’m so sorry.”

Steve’s jaw drops. Eddie blinks away tears.

Before Steve can respond, before he can explain to Eddie that he’s got it all wrong, they’re interrupted by the front door opening.

“We’ve been watching you two flirt for five minutes, get inside and save it for the mistletoe!” Nancy shakes her head, curls bouncing all around, as the rest of their friends watch on from behind her or in the windows.

“We were just heading in!” Eddie calls back, big grin plastered on his face but only Steve saw how it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Come on, sweetheart.” he grabs Steve’s hand and pulls him along.

Steve is so fucked.

Luckily, dinner was ready for them when they got there. They’re friends all waiting on them to eat.

Robin eyes the fake couple, “What no surprise?”

“Um,” Steve looks to Eddie for help. “I thought we all agreed no presents?”

Nancy nods her head, “We did. But we thought there’d be a new member of the family by now. You could have at least brought a pie.”

“Oh. Um.”

Eddie scoffs, pulling Steve’s hand with him where he hadn’t let go yet to get away from the ambush.

“Hey, what we do in our spare time is our business not yours. Unless you want to know the details of our last time, Steve had–”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don’t need details. Gross.” Robin scrunches her face up and quickly flees the room.

“Fair enough, come on, let’s eat. I hope you at least brought both of your appetites.” Nancy pats Steve and Eddie both on the back as she guides them to sit.

“Dinner, everyone!”

Steve and Eddie manage to get through their respective plates and even an array of desserts with mostly impersonal questions before Steve is excusing himself as he pushes his chair away from the table.

But to Steve’s misfortune Eddie excuses himself and follows behind him before they’re both being stopped by Robin.

“And where do you think you’re going?”

Steve shifts uncomfortably as he takes in the nine pairs of eager eyes and grins looking up at him. “Um, to the den? Why are you all looking at me like that?”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Dustin points to the little poisonous plant dangling precariously above their heads.

“Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.”

Everyone chimes in, except Nancy who seems to realize something no one else has.

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!”

Steve really wishes Eddie hadn’t chosen to rise from his seat at the same time as him.

They make eye contact before Steve gives him a small nod, giving him the okay.

Eddie leans in capturing Steve’s chapped lips with his own for one chaste kiss.

“Oh, come on! My grandma kisses with more tongue than that.” Mike heckles them and the rest of the teens giggle along.

That doesn’t last long, though, because then Eddie is giving them a death glare making them all shut up.

Steve’s just about to escape when Eddie grabs his arm just light enough to get his attention. If Steve wanted to pull away he could.

“Can I talk to you outside?”

Steve sighs. He knew this was coming. “Yeah.”

“Oooh.” Max starts before they’re all giggling again but Eddie slams the door shut behind them, cutting off the laughter.

Muted colors wash over their faces, casting them in much more festive lights than Steve feels appropriate for this upcoming conversation.

“I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I try to give you space, but I still see you ‘round, you know? The grocery store, when you go for your runs, the mall. I see you. You never see me.”

Steve usually feels like someone’s watching him, but he’s never picked up on Eddie’s scent. He must have worn suppressants. He hid from him.

“Eds,”

“Happy Christmas”

“Happy Christmas?”

“Yeah, I always kinda liked it better than merry. And it’s what it is, you know? Christmas. Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas. I’m sorry it’s not happier.”

“I’m sorry too. I know we said no presents...”

“Yeah?” 

“I just had to get it for you, I couldn’t bear the thought that you didn’t have something to open. I know your parents are shit and the kids already weren’t doing anything. It’s just me. I had to.”

“Wait, you got me something?” Steve vaguely remembers receiving a package in the mail a week ago that he left buried under the junk mail and bills.

“Yeah, I did. You didn’t get it? I wrapped it up and sent it with–” he sighs, pulling off the black santa hat and running a hand through his hair. “With a note saying ‘I love you.’”

“Eddie,”

“I meant it, y’know? I love you. I meant it when I wrote it, I meant it when we made this whole thing official years ago. I mean it now.”

“What’d you get me?”

Eddie huffs a laugh more at himself than Steve, his face turning a deeper shade of red and Steve knew it wasn’t from the cold.

“A View-Master. But it has pictures of us from over the years. I know, it’s dumb. I just thought you’d see it and remember us.”

“That sound like it was incredibly hard to give me.”

“Oh, it was a bitch. But after I figured out how to get the tiny little pictures in the reel it was smooth sailing from there. The only thing I had to worry about was if you’d throw it out.”

Eddie misinterprets Steve’s silence and continues putting his foot in his mouth.

“Every time you kissed me I was convinced I must be dreaming. That I’d wake up some day and the version of you that loved me would have never existed. Eventually I started believing it but now I know what a fool I’ve been, but if you kissed me now, I know you’d fool me again.”

Steve couldn’t believe the words coming from Eddie’s mouth. He must be dreaming.

But he knows he’d not, because his dreams only ever showed them cuddled in bed in love. Or them with pups of their own. Or Eddie hating him, resenting him because they never separated.

This wasn’t a dream. This was Steve’s own personal nightmare.

He’d have to admit everything. He’d have to confront all of his feelings.

He’d have to deal with Eddie’s feelings, whether they be more heartbreak or the anger Steve’s been anticipating but never received.

“I was always supposed to be an alpha, or at least that’s what I was conditioned to be.” He starts, “When I presented as an omega, my life was shattered. Everything I was told I’d be was suddenly not possible anymore. But then you came into my life and everything made sense. I couldn’t imagine that other life anymore. All I knew was you and you were enough for me. All I wanted was for you to be happy.”

He wipes his palms on his jeans, realizing he forgot to grab his mitts. “Then when we… When I… When we realized… I was broken, you know? I am broken. First I’m not an alpha, but now I can’t even be a good omega? I left because you deserved better. I didn’t leave because I resented or blamed you! Eddie, I love you!” Steve’s mouth clamps shut as soon as the words leave it. There it is. Out in the open. The thing Steve had been trying to deny, the thing Eddie secretly still knew.

“You love me.” It wasn’t a question but Eddie still said it in disbelief.

“I love you.” Steve confirms, “Which is why I left you. I had to set you free.”

“Why?”

“If you love someone, you let them go. So that’s what I did.”

“I think you’re forgetting the very important part where if they come back to you then it’s meant to be. Stevie, I came back to you. So many times. I was practically nipping at your heels begging you to pay attention to me.”

“I forgot that part.”

Eddie’s brushing a curl of hair from Steve’s head, already planning his next words carefully.

“And I’d like to say, maybe if you’d let me, that you’ve come back to me too?”

Steve stepped closer, allowing Eddie to finally, finally wrap his arms around him. “It’s like I never left.”

“Good, because I choose you. Any day. Every day. For the rest of my life. No one could ever replace you, Stevie. I understand the life you want to give me, and trust me I wish i could give you that life too, but you’re who I want. The grass isn’t greener on the otherside. I know what I have here, in my arms, and I’m never letting you go.”

“I love you, Eddie. Thank you for loving me.”

“I love you too, Steve. You don’t have to thank me.” He kisses him with much more passion than he allowed himself just moments ago under the mistletoe.

When they break apart Eddie speaks again, “You can, however, thank me for the show I’m about to put on for those little peeping toms.”

He gestures at the window where heads duck on instinct.

Steve laughs, and Eddie thinks it’s the most beautiful thing he’s heard in a year, and it’s the best present he could ever receive.

[suratan-zir]

WHOOPS, I didn't see that thanks for the link! Where did your fascination witjbrats come from?

It's hard to answer this question because there is no interesting story or specific reason. I've had pet rats almost my whole life, so for a while, getting new ones was like a habit to me. I grew up surrounded by animals. My first rodent was a hamster that bit my finger the first time I tried to touch him. He bit right through it. I must've been about 5 years old at the time. So, my parents gave it back and got me a rat instead. I don't remember that first rat because I was so young, but it's for the best, honestly. I later learned from my mother that the first rat died a horrible death because of my parents' stupidity (they thought that rats do not need water??? Two grown-ups in their twenties. wtf).

But since then, I had rats pretty much always. They lived in horrible conditions and alone, but no one knew any better at the time. I loved them, though. I remember especially fondly two of them. One was a black boy whose name I shall not tell because it was so stupid, the first letters were Ts. He basically grew up with one of our cats (which is horrible and you should never let your rats and cats interact in any way!). I was about ten. I still have this artifact, the whole three pixels of it, recorded on my Motorola phone, lol. Nevermind, tumblr won't let me attach the video. Ts. lived for three years and was almost always with me.

Before Ts., there was Buffy, a blue girl. Sadly, I have only memories of her. I didn't have a phone or camera at the time. She had a lot of adventures in her life. I made her a DIY harness and let her roam outside (which you also shouldn't do). She loved to dig trenches in the sand and climb trees. Somehow, she didn't get eaten by birds of prey or simply get lost, I guess I was lucky.

Even when I left my hometown after graduating high school, I took my rat with me. Clementine, a black-hooded girl, also lived a very long life.

Then I finally started researching proper pet care in general and rat care in particular. I should've done it earlier, I know, but I grew up in a family where it wasn't really a thing, like it didn't even occur to me. It breaks my heart to think about all the rats that lived their miserable lives with us when I was little.

Anyway, I got a bigger cage (still very small!) and two girls. But with university and many changes in my personal life, I didn't spend any time with them at all. They fought with each other all the time. When one of them died, I got another one, and they fought again. I was 17-18 at the time but still dumb af. I tried to quit getting new rats after the oldest girl died. I thought I didn't want them anymore. But then the old habit kicked in, and I got Fiona.

Fiona was the one. The rat that changed my perception of rats in general. The rat who turned me into a crazy rat lady. But it wasn't because she was so special. It was just because the year was 2014, I was in Donetsk, the world was seemingly falling apart (if you know, you know). And there was Fiona, way too young to be weaned and sold, tiny and depending on me. I was in love. She gave me comfort and helped me get through the worst (or so I thought) times. I didn't want to have another rat who would bully Fiona, but eventually, I decided to do the right thing and get Fiona a friend. Tori was rehomed from horrible conditions.

She was covered in wounds from mites, not used to handling, and walked weirdly because they never let her out. She made a swift and full recovery, though. And they got along with Fiona instantly and were inseparable till the end.

I let them free roam the room because in that apartment there was nothing worth of saving. And they wrecked havoc, they got rid of all the ugly wallpaper and made a nest behind the couch. Sometimes I would have to move the couch to get them back into their cage.

I really want to have a "rat room" again, but in this flat it's not possible, they would chew their way to the downstairs neighbor.

Then I got the third rat, Shlyopa, she cost me exactly one "kinder surprise" chocolate egg in exchange.

We later made a large DIY cage because we were too poor to afford a pre-manufactured one. Shlyopa was the best rat I ever had, hands down. She was something else. So obsessed with me that it was almost annoying at times. If I was in the room, she would not calm down until I let her out to be with me. I miss her to this day.

She had to sleep hugging my hand, so I couldn't move it until her sleep was deep enough.

I'm getting carried away, I know. Rats are just my spirit animals. I understand them, their thought process, and I relate to them (I'm also afraid of everything, lol). I feel grateful for the love they show me, I find comfort in them. And I hope I find strength to not get any new rats after the three I have now. It hurts too much.

[the-expired-tofu]

The Devil's Trumpets | Pt. 1

|| A 'The Glory' fanfic ||

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a/n: Hey there, this is my first time writing a fan fiction. I might change a few things in my fictions later on. Also, my English isn't my first language so my writing might lack some fluency. Hope you enjoy :) trigger warnings: bullying, murder, gore, depression, abuse, mature content, violence, sexual themes. pairing: reader x multi

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Y/N

“Y/N DID YOU MESS UP YOUR CUSTOMER’S ORDER AGAIN?” My manager yelled.

 “I’m sorry, I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen again,” I apologise as I bow in front of him, followed by a sharp pain of his slap right across my face. Gasps and whispers echoed in the room.

  “Fifth time this month. Do you get what I'm saying? FIFTH TIME THIS MONTH!!! Am firing you next time you do this again. YOU HEAR ME?”

“Yes sir.”

 He begins to walk away as I retreat back to clean the counter.

 "Honey, you should go easier on her," The manager's wife whispered.

  "Look, we are the only ones properly running this restaurant and we barely get any customers. This is the least i can do to atleast get more people.”

"Don't you think he's being too hard on her? She barely got a proper job after her graduation. He should be grateful that she even chose to work here," whispered one of my co-workers.

"I don't know. I heard she ran away from her house. We don't even have any information about her family. Don't you think it's all too suspicious?"

"Is Min-Hee really even her niece? Or is that a child she had out of wedlock?"

And so all the whispers followed. So many rumours yet none of those ever bothered me.

My shift is almost over.

I’ve been working at a fast food restaurant in Seoul for two years now. I live in an apartment few blocks away with Min-Hee, my four year old niece. Her parents were killed in an accident two years ago. Her mother, who was also my sister, had wished for me to take Min-Hee into custody. Quite many people were against this idea since I was financially unstable to raise her on my own. Today, I can say am financially stable enough to get Min-Hee into a school. The restaurant employees, including myself, are not well compensated. Payment of bills and rent is quite difficult for all of us. The money I make from my job was enough for me to manage a roof over our heads. Even though I never wanted to live like this, I am still grateful of the fact that I no longer live in Semyeong.

I finish my shift by depositing the rubbish outside in the restaurant's back yard. I was thinking of buying some noodles for Min-Hee on the way home when I notice a shadowy figure standing at the end of the street.

I didn't give it much thought until the person started walking towards me. Nobody else was on the street except me, and our restaurant had just been closed by one of my coworkers. It was 9:45 p.m. I don’t know where to go. I don’t have anything to protect myself with.

The faint light in the street helped me figure out the person’s appearance. The individual had their hair tied back as a low ponytail and wore a long grayish coat along with long loose pants. As the individual came more nearer, I could finally see the face. It’s a woman.

As she eventually approached me, I could finally recognize her. I felt chills running down my body when she got more closer. I remember who she is.

Moon Dong-Eun. After so many years. I was quite curious to what happened to her after she dropped out. The Moon Dong-Eun I remembered from high school feels like an entirely different person than the one standing right in front of me. But what the fuck is she doing here? How and why did she find me?

“It’s been quite a long time. How are you doing y/n?”

 I didn’t say anything at first.

“You can say am doing fine I guess. I have a job now and…." I paused. I decided to stop blabbering and cut straight to the chase. "What are you doing here? How the hell did you even find me?”

“I will explain that later. I need your favour.”

“Favour?” I crossed my arms as I said so.

“Yes. I’ve been wanting to do this for quite many years now. I can even pay you if you want.”

“Pay me?" That's strange. "Okay. What is it that you need from me?” I ask hesitantly.

She doesn't say anything and looks around. Is she trying to look out for someone?

“I need you to go back to Semyeong.”

My arms dropped to my sides. The silence grew louder between us. I stood right there in disbelief. No, I cant go back there. Not when I have Min-Hee now, no. I worked hard to get away from that godforsaken place. No. I cant go back there.

“Sorry I cant. I cant just go back to Semyeong just because you asked me to. Am not going back even if you pay me. Since you’ve been able to find out where I live, you might already know that I have my niece to take care of. Sorry. Just find someone else.” I raise my hands as I try to dismiss our conversation and retreat away from her.

“I understand your reason. But don’t you think they're living their lives quite easily, after knowing what they’ve done to you? What they’ve done to us? Don’t you want revenge too-”

“Am sorry. I already told you, I cant go back there. I can barely afford anything these days, let alone go back to the hell I escaped from. Sorry, I wont help you.” I nod my head as I gather my things.

“It’s 10 pm. I have to get back.” I say after a pause. I start walking towards my apartment. Min-Hee is waiting for me.

“Yoon So-Hee was murdered.”

I stop dead in my tracks. Yoon So-Hee? Oh I remember her so well. Someone like us. Yoon So-Hee. She disappeared one day out of nowhere. Or so I was told. Nobody was able to find out what happened to her. Yoon So-Hee.

“What?” I turned around to face her.

She shows me a picture of a dull yellowish name tag. On it was carved in black “Park Yeon-Jin”. My mouth went completely dry. Yeon-Jin? She is behind the disappearance of So-Hee? How did Dong-Eun find that out?

“I mailed this name tag to the police right after I dropped out, hoping it would work, I was pretty naïve back then.”

“If you gave that to the police, how do you have the picture with you then?”

“I have my sources, which I can’t tell you yet.”

I keep staring at the name tag, did she really murder her? She willingly went that far to kill someone for her pride?

“After Yoon So-Hee’s disappearance, the police found a body of a girl in her teens with her skull cracked. Maybe she had few of her ribs broken as well. The body was found near the abandoned building of our school. Apparently, they did find a pink lighter at the roof of the building and never informed anyone outside their own people, but because of the snow, they couldn’t trace who it belonged to. The sweater she wore was burned too.”

All this information was just a lot for me take in. I just couldn’t say anything.

Dong-Eun takes my phone out of my hand and dials some random digits on it. She saves the number under her name. I need to put on a phone password.

“Call me if you ever change your mind. I’ll see you later.”

I stood there completely motionless as she walks away to the end of the street. She gets into her car and drives past me, didn’t even bother to look at me. What did she get herself into? How the hell did she manage to get hands on a confidential evidence? What will be her next move? She did mention she had some help in accessing the name tag. Then who’s helping her? Are they even reliable?

The ring of my phone interrupts my chain of thoughts. It’s Min-Hee calling from a telephone number.

“When are you coming home?”

“Almost there. Just crossing the street.”

“Doesn’t your shift end at 9.30?”

“Yeah I was just caught up with some stuff. Do we have food at home?”

“Oh yeah we have the leftovers from today’s lunch.”

“Oh that’s great. I’ll be right home.”

“Okay.”

I slide my phone inside my pocket as I walk up the stairs. Moon Dong-Eun. What the hell are you playing at?

I walk into my apartment. I haven’t stopped thinking about what Dong-Eun told me. She comes out of nowhere, tracks me down, finds out where I live and where I work, and decides to tell me about an information I am in no liberty to talk about to anyone. Are there more people who know about this? Or is it just me? What the hell do I do now?

************************************************************************

[tokyo-tower-symbolism]

A Deep Dive of the Claudine-Maya Revue in the Movie, or why you really ought to read the fine print before signing a contract in tomato juice

So the Revues in Revue Starlight are a lot.

There is just so much packed into a few minutes. The sets! The fighting! The music! There’s just so much going on that you can’t completely process everything going on at once. And it’s absolutely awesome. The Revues look so amazing and feel so epic.

And sure it’s a lot, but we still get what’s happening. We saw the build up to each Revue, and we mostly know what’s going on in each of their heads. After all, it’s not just the stage that matters in the revues, but also the emotions going into it. For some, they’re worried about their future as a stage girl, whether or not they’ll be good enough to one day achieve their dreams. And for others, they’re worried about what graduation will mean for their relationships with each other as they each go on their separate paths. And as much as they try to hide it, these anxieties boil over in their Revues, forcing them to confront their deepest insecurities in front of the very person they tried so hard to hide it from.

But they’re never alone in these cases, they have their partner. Admittedly this usually doesn’t help at first since the only thing worse than one person catastrophizing over their future is two people catastrophizing over their futures. But still, they all manage to figure it out in the end together.

But Maya and Claudine aren’t insecure about the future. Both of them know that they’ll get into their dream troupe and neither of them seem too bothered about the fact that the two of them will be going their separate ways after High School.

So unlike every other Revue so far, which has been desperate and came from a place of hurt, the Revue of Soul starts off so much more lighthearted. The vibes are completely different from everything that came before in the movie. It feels like Maya and Claudine have nothing left to say to each other, that they are doing this Revue just for fun, it’s like a game to them.

But obviously it’s not just that, the two of them mean so much to each other! They’re just acting otherwise because of their pride, and once the two of them decide to drop all pretenses, they can finally have a proper Revue, where they put everything on the line just to understand each other.

And to see how we got here, I’m going to try to lay out everything going on with Claudine and Maya in the Movie that got us here. This is a part of a series of Deep Dives I’m doing for each of the Movie’s Revues, and while you can read this one without reading the others, I may make some references to themes and ideas that I brought up in the earlier Deep Dives, but I’ll do my best to give context if that ever happens.

So first I wanna talk about Maya at the start of the Movie.

She’s applying to the New National Theater Troupe, regarded as the world’s greatest theater company. She wants to use it to face even greater challenges there and go to the greatest stage.

And unlike Mahiru or Futaba who doubt their chances of getting in, Maya has no such concerns.

Her teacher even warns Maya that the lessons will be strict at New National because even she is already assuming that Maya will be accepted.

It should be noted though, that when her teacher sees her plans, she mentions that this troupe was what she expected from Maya, which leads into Maya’s self image thing we see later in the actual Revue.

Of course, that’s not to say that Maya is only applying to New National because that’s what people expect her to do. She’s genuinely excited. She’s constantly bragging about how cool and awesome New National is in the common room and on the train ride to New National. Seriously, in the scene in Common Room, she’s reading a book about them because she’s so excited to be going there and wants to share what she learned with all her friends!

Honestly she’s such a dork.

Speaking of friends, Maya has them now! She isn’t nearly as isolated as she was at the start of the series, back when Claudine was the only one to reach out to her. Before there would usually be shots with some line or other kind of separation between her and the rest of her classmates in the frame, but Nana’s taken that role now, so Maya gets to be smack dab in the middle of conversation now instead of lurking at the edge. And later at the kick off party, you can even see Maya talking to some people who weren’t in the Starlight cast! I guess after losing the Top Star position to Hikari, she seemed less untouchable and more approachable? Though I’m only saying that because Maya isn’t really trying to make more friends by being nicer. In fact, Maya isn’t really acting any different from how she did in the show.

Like sure, she lost the audition because Hikari and Karen Starlighted more than her and Claudine, but it’s not like they really shook her worldview. She even says to Claudine that she hasn’t lost. She had absolutely no reason to change in the time between the show and the movie. The only thing that changed is that people don’t see her as the untouchable top star anymore, just their friend who’s a little more skilled than they are.

Actually that might be because of Karen and Hikari beating her now that I think about it. I mean in the Revue of Pride, Maya was almost insulted by Karen’s idea that she could shine together with Hikari. After all, Maya talked about how the top star had to stand alone and what she had to give up to be the top star, and it everytime it would cut to a shot of Claudine.

But after losing to them, maybe Maya softened up on this position. She realized she doesn’t need to stand apart from everyone else in order to shine, and that maybe she should reach out to others more, just like Karen and Hikari did to shine together. So that’s why she comforts Claudine after their loss, and that’s why she decides to get closer to everyone else after the auditions.

But while she’s not nearly as distant as before, there’s still a gulf separating her and her classmates. She’s still on a last name basis with most of them, and there are some visuals separating her from Futaba and Mahiru, like the metal bar separating them on the train, or how Mahiru and Futaba mimic the poster on their left while Maya mimics the poster to her right.

But for a more distinct moment of separation, take a look at when Kaoruko brought up the anniversary of the auditions. No one else knows what she’s talking about when she mentions the date, except for Maya, who coolly answers her. And while everyone is kinda shocked that Kaoruko would actually want to go through that again because last year's auditions are kinda a terrible system and everyone moved on, it’s important to note that they all did forget the date and are way more surprised than Maya that Kaoruko would even consider wanting to be the top star of those auditions.

Kaoruko claims that everyone’s indifference to the anniversary is actually because they all gave up on becoming the top star. And like obviously Kaoruko is just lashing out here, she admits it to Claudine later, but there’s a grain of truth in how no one was seriously thinking about being the top star anymore, or about their next stage before the Revue of Annihilation.

Except for Maya.

So now let’s take a look at Claudine.

Because of her performance in the 100th Starlight, Claudine was scouted by a Theatre du Flamme, a prestigious troupe in France that could rival New National in fame. It’s an honor and it’s her passion and she wants to put herself up to the challenge, all that stuff is that’s important, yes, but what I want to point out is that she isn’t going to New National with Maya! It’s not even her second choice! She has no plans to compete on the same stage as Maya after they graduate!

Earlier I said Maya didn’t change much from the show, but Claudine definitely has.

Claudine has this thing in the show where she’s cool, calm, and collected most of the time. She’s very wise, easy to get along with, and supportive of all her friends. Basically the perfect stage girl. However all of that goes out the window the moment Tendo Maya comes into the room. Literally the moment Maya enters her line of sight, she goes completely feral and will devote 100% of her energy on trying to beat Maya. And since she’s always in the same scenes as Maya, we see this mode like 90% of the time.

It’s hilarious and wonderful.

But this stops after their mutual loss to Karen and Hikari, when Maya takes a moment to let Claudine know that she respects her, that Maya also needs Claudine, and that Claudine doesn’t need to try so hard to get Maya to acknowledge her.

So basically during the first part of the movie, Claudine knows that she doesn’t need to work so hard to prove herself to Maya, so she can be her usual cool and collected self around Maya.

But despite that, the two of them don’t really talk. Even though the two of them affirmed that they need each other and they make each other soar higher, their only interaction before the Revue of Annihilation is on the Train to New National, when Claudine teases Maya because she overheard Claudine say her name while talking to Junna. This would never happen in the show when Claudine was always desperate for Maya’s attention, but now Maya is the one hanging onto Claudine’s words.

Instead, Claudine focuses her attention on everyone else, which is necessary since they have a lot of baggage.

Mahiru confides in Claudine about her uneasiness about her chances of getting into New National. Kaoruko admits that she’s the most useless of them all only when Claudine confronts her. Claudine is the one who pushes Junna to aim higher in her future plans. And Claudine is the one who recommended Futaba to try and audition for New National.

Anyways you may notice that Claudine doesn’t have a moment with Karen, Hikari, Maya, or Nana. That is for various valid reasons, like Hikari being in London, but from a meta perspective it’s because Claudine has lost to all of them in a Revue at some point. So basically, Claudine is giving advice to everyone as a top star, and she’d be unqualified if she tried to advise the other four.

Anyways I want to take a moment to talk about the differences between Claudine and Maya’s philosophy on the Top Star’s duty to her costars. Maya uses herself as an example of what a top star should be, and expects others to emulate her. Meanwhile, Claudine takes a much more direct approach with helping her friends become the top star.

We saw this in the show with how Claudine helped Futaba practice, while Maya instead advised Kaoruko on how the leader has a duty to be a goal to the follower. Or how when Maya beats Karen, she leaves Karen at the bottom and shines alone at the top. And this is juxtaposed with Claudine beating Futaba simultaneously, but Claudine actually holds out a hand to help Futaba up.

Actually Claudine really only helps Futaba in the show, now that I think about it…

Whatever, we can assume that this attitude would extend to any of her friends had they reached out and asked for help like Futaba.

And now I want to talk about the purpose of Maya and Claudine in the show.

So basically Maya is the perfect top star. She can dance, sing, and act better than everyone else there. Her first scene in the show literally had her claiming position zero uncontested. She is the person they all aspire to be in their pursuit to be a star. It sounds a bit dramatic, but that was her role in Revue Starlight. If Karen and Hikari wanted to topple the top star system, they’d have to defeat Maya, who represented everything both great and wrong about it.

Claudine meanwhile, is representative of the other part of the top star system, the ones who aren’t the top star. She competes with the Top Star, in hopes of taking the spotlight for herself. But despite that, only one person stands alone at the top, so when Claudine is passed over, she needs to take a supportive role and kill her ego in the actual play. And while this is some impressive compartmentalization on her end, Claudine still insists that she hasn’t lost, and continues to challenge Maya despite her many losses. Claudine is what Karen or Hikari would have to be if the other managed to be the top star. But despite that, Karen and Hikari don’t want to fight each other in the show. Hikari goes out of her way multiple times to keep Karen out of the Revues, and Karen wants to shine together with Hikari.

So Maya and Claudine are what Karen and Hikari need to overcome to make their own Starlight. Actually, Maya and Claudine are representative of the 99th Starlight too, the past that Nana tried to protect.

But for everyone else, Maya is the goal that they’re all striving for. She has that je ne sais quoi a star needs, but just seeing the end goal isn’t enough for the rest of them. They don’t get to see how she got there, so they themselves don’t know how to get there. It’s like looking at the answer for a physics question without knowing the formula. And that’s where Claudine comes in. She’s constantly competing with Maya, never letting setbacks keep her down for long. She’s constantly practicing and never satisfied, she doesn’t rest on her past glory. She’s the person closest to becoming like Tendo Maya, to becoming the Top Star.

If a stage girl wants to be like Tendo Maya, first they have to be like Saijo Claudine.

Anyways, that’s what it was like in the show. But if you take a look at Claudine’s advice in the movie, she tends to have a recurring piece of wisdom: That Maya ain’t shit actually.

It sounds a bit rude when I say it like that, but it’s actually supposed to be inspiring.

In the laundry room with Mahiru, Claudine tells her that everyone’s like freshmen, and that if she gets into New National, Mahiru will be too. But following that logic, Maya will also be a freshman, and in the same position as Mahiru, so Mahiru really shouldn’t be that worried, since she’ll be on the same level as Maya. And on the train, when Junna says that she doesn’t think she could measure up to Claudine or Maya right now, Claudine tells Junna that she can be just as good as Maya. And consider what Claudine told Futaba, “If it’s you, you’ll get in.” That’s basically what people said about Maya applying to New National.

And that means a lot considering not too long ago, Claudine thought Maya was just so good that she couldn’t lose to anyone! And when she did lose, Claudine blamed herself instead, because Tendo Maya can’t lose.

But now she’s helping her classmates who are feeling that same insecurity she felt last year, that she couldn’t compare to Maya, and she’s telling them that it’s actually just in their head. That they can be just as good as Maya so long as they don’t think of her as anything special, because otherwise they’d be limiting themselves to Maya’s shadow.

So unlike everyone else, Claudine and Maya are doing fine, more or less. Like yeah it’s a stressful period of transition for all of them as they plan for their futures after High School, but Claudine and Maya seem to have it mostly figured out. If anything, they’re the reliable ones who everyone else goes to for guidance.

So maybe that’s why the two of them take the lead in the Revue of Annihilation against Nana.

When everyone gets put in a surprise Revue with Nana, Claudine and Maya do not get blinded by the stage lights and are the first ones to get their bearings and attack her as she makes her way across the train. And it’s worth noting that they’re the only pair who’s in sync, but that doesn’t really mean much considering the only other pair on the same side is Futaba and Kaoruko, and they’re going through a rough patch. But then again everyone else is also going through a rough patch at this point, so my point stands.

That’s kinda why they’re doing this Revue.

This Revue is supposed to be a wake up call for all of them. Nana knows that they’ll all die as stage girls with their current half hearted conviction, but none of them can see it. They’ve all stagnated and got comfortable, and as a result are dying. So when they fight a stage girl who is actually motivated, they crumple. They’re no match for Nana as they are now.

In the show, Nana always wanted to protect them, and she still is trying to guide them during the Revue of Annihilation. She still has that same brilliance, but no one else has the same motivation they had during the show. Mahiru, Junna, and Futaba don’t even think they can get into New National, which is a far cry from the stage girls who once attempted to beat Tendo Maya and become the Top Star. They’re all scared of the future and gave up on becoming the top star, like Kaoruko accused earlier. And just like Kaoruko said before, she’s the most useless of them all when it comes to that.

And with every clasp she cuts, Nana makes them come to terms with that ugly truth they were ignoring.

But Claudine and Maya aren’t scared of the future. They’re confident they’ll make their dream troupes. Unlike Junna or Mahiru or Futaba, they were in the world of Theater even before High School, and they’re confident they’ll continue for the future too.

So that clarity is why the train leaves the darkened tunnel that Nana defeated everyone else in. And while the train goes through the city, Nana repeats her line from the start of the Revue, that the train will go to the next station without fail. But what about the stage? What about us?

In a literal sense, the next station for the Train is New National, but I’m pretty sure it’s a metaphor for the unstoppable marching on of time. After all, New National is going to be the next stage for a good chunk of them. So Nana’s essentially asking them whether they are prepared to move onto the future. And along with that, will the stage be in their future? Will they decide to live on stage?

But that took me a while to figure out. Like I had to sit down and think about what Nana was saying, and then pick up seemingly inconsequential lines by Mahiru and Claudine much later in the movie. Do you really think I understood that the first time I saw this movie? It’s way too cryptic. Literally how the fuck is anyone supposed to understand that in the middle of a Revue.

But Claudine gets me. She has no clue what’s going on either. She’s just like me for real.

But Maya isn’t a plebeian like me and Claudine. She’s the top star. Obviously she understands exactly what Nana means. This is Tendo Maya, after all. She has never not taken the stage seriously. From the moment she entered Seisho, she already knew what her future was going to be and unlike everyone else, she never had a big shock to shake that resolve.

She’s constantly giving 100% to be the ideal top star and won’t ever stop, so as long as the stage and audience will have her, she is already on stage. Both the stage and herself will be at the next station. She decided long ago to live on stage.

Despite Nana’s worries, Maya will never die as a stage girl.

And that’s the difference between Maya and the rest of her classmates. That’s why Maya is illuminated by moonlight, but everyone else gets cast in the shadows by the tunnel. Because Maya has no doubts that she wants to be a stage girl, she is the only one shining.

Anyways, Claudine continues to be the audience surrogate since she still has literally no clue what Maya and Nana are talking about, which is fair. In what world does any of this exchange make sense? I guess I explained it a little earlier, but literally how is someone supposed to understand this on their first watch? They are speaking complete nonsense. This sounds like a code that a spy agency would make their undercover agents in enemy territory say before handing them classified documents.

This feeling of alienation continues for Claudine as Maya and Nana approach each other in sync, while Claudine is still stuck in place. And despite her calling their names, the two of them continue in their little world without Claudine.

And this infuriates Claudine. After all, the only reason she’s been on her best behavior recently is because she reached an understanding with Maya that they were rivals who respected each other’s skills. And now Nana and Maya, but mostly Maya, are leaving her behind? That’s completely unacceptable.

So it reignites that competitive anger that Claudine had in the show, and she charges at Nana with that same drive to win that she had during the auditions. This is the energy that Claudine had when she was constantly chasing Maya in the show, when she gave it her all. But this means that Claudine hasn’t been giving it her all since the show ended. She’s stagnated as well, since she’s no longer forcing herself to improve, and instead resting on her laurels after getting Maya to acknowledge her. And that’s not enough to stay alive as a stage girl.

Plus, if the only reason she could reawaken her previous radiance was because she wanted to prove herself to Maya and Nana, but mostly Maya, and they’ll all be going their separate ways after High School, can you she really say she’s prepared for the future where she’ll be on her own? It’s not like the two of them will be able to compete like they did at Seisho when they’re halfway across the world from each other.

So while Nana has nothing to say to Maya, who doesn’t actually need her wake up call, she can tell Claudine that she’s being a bit too talkative. And that’s also why Nana can easily slice off Claudine’s button and move on to lock swords with Maya.

But as I said, Maya is already resolved to stand on stage, so Nana can’t actually beat her, so she doesn’t. So by defeating Claudine, Nana achieved everything she needed, so that’s why the cloak falling matches time with Nana reaching Position Zero.

And that’s it. Nana tries to act out a scene with Junna, but they’re all so dead as stage girls that none of them can continue the scene. Blood Tomato Juice rains down on them to add insult to injury, and they’re all so consumed in their own problems they don’t even realize it’s fake.

Except Maya of course, who is the only one with a complete view of the stage currently and can clearly see it’s just stage equipment. And she takes charge, telling them this fact.

But even though Nana has forced them to confront their own failings during this Revue, it will be up to them to work past it.

Which is where Seisho’s 101st Starlight Kick Off Party comes in!

The scene starts off with shots of all their other classmates having fun and it’s brightly lit, but then we cycle through the losers of the Revue, and they’re all alone and in the dark. It’s a visual metaphor.

We then get to Tendo Maya and unlike everyone else she’s not alone, since she’s talking with some other students, and she's actually in a well lit area! Nana didn’t give Maya anything to think about, she can just enjoy this party all carefree like the rest of their classmates.

Unlike Claudine, who is malding and watching Maya through the window and wondering why only Maya managed to not lose. At least, I’m guessing that’s what Claudine means since she never actually finished her question of “why is only she…”. But I’m probably not too far off since Claudine takes a look at her phone which has Nana’s question from earlier that only Maya could answer.

Anyways, I think it's interesting that Claudine gravitated towards the practice room, because that’s the same place she went after she first lost to Maya in the auditions.

Claudine took that loss pretty hard. She missed her morning classes and she kind of just lost all her confidence. And then after class, she tries to practice there, but keeps messing up. It’s only after aggressively dancing there with Futaba, who came to check up on her, that Claudine breaks out of that funk and regains her usual spark.

But the practice room is also where Claudine managed to understand Maya. In episode 4, when Maya and Claudine are practicing there, Claudine asks her why Maya’s participating in the auditions to become the top star when she’s already the top star anyways. That’s like a millionaire entering the lottery, it feels kinda pointless. But then Maya tells Claudine that she’s in the auditions because she wants to be the only top star and doesn’t want to see anyone else take what’s hers, which fits into my millionaire analogy pretty well. And at this moment, Claudine understands that Maya’s just really greedy, which does come into play later in their Revue.

So I’m wondering if Claudine is in this darkened room because it’s where she regained her confidence last time, or because it is where she managed to understand Maya, and wants to again.

Either that or she just spends a lot of time in the practice room, so a bunch of important moments happen here all the time since where else would they occur? She’s always there!

Anyways, back to the kick off party, the script is unfinished, just like their futures. So the director gets on stage and after rupturing everyone’s eardrums by screaming into a megaphone, she tells everyone that she’s scared. That this is going to be their final performance at Seisho and she doesn’t know what their next play will be like, if it will be better than everything they’ve done before. Just like the anxieties about the future that everyone has. But she doesn’t want to stop. She wants to do one last show with everyone.

And the scriptwriter apologizes for not being able to finish, but instead she gets an outpouring of support from her classmates, who love what she did so far and are willing to help her out.

This is just like the stage girls who are also scared of their future, but just like everyone else here, also have each other.

This moment is a turning point for the losers after the Revue of Annihilation.

Once they erect the Starlight Tower prop for the next Starlight play, Maya repeats her line from the train, that she is already on stage, only this time instead of saying I, she says we. None of them would lose to Nana on the train again at this point. They’ve learned their lesson. They’re got renewed determination to live on as stage girls, and even if they’re not there yet, there is someone out there who can help them on their journey.

Nana tells them that the time for snacks is over, and the stage girls need to hunger for a new stage, because that’s what a stage girl is, and asks if that’s true for all of them. She’s putting into words the implicit question she had on the train.

Do they want to continue being stage girls in the future? Well, stage women I guess after they reach a certain age, but then again stage girl is a state of mind so whatever.

And Claudine answers that she’s already on the stage, the same answer Maya gave before, so yeah, she does.

She also finds the answer to her question earlier in the practice room for “why only she…” since Claudine says “So that’s why only she...” while watching Maya perform.

Wish she’d share the answer with the rest of the class though. Or even the question. Seriously.

Anyways, they get back on the train and face their dead stage girl selves. We can tell they’re dead because they have no cloak and are lying motionless on the floor, but also because we quite literally see a dead stage girl later, when Karen refuses to act because she has nothing after Starlight and ends up in a similar state.

These are stage girls with no next stage, no future. And judging by the fact they aren’t wearing shoes, which is characteristic of suicide in Japan, this means these stage girls who chose to die. They didn’t decide to continue to live on stage.

While looking at her dead body, Claudine decides that she’ll get back on stage again. Despite her loss, she choosing to continue acting, just like when she first lost to Maya in the auditions. She’ll have to work hard to become her own ideal top star, but she’s going to do it, so she can’t give up here.

This isn't what Maya does. Unlike Claudine and everyone else, Maya doesn’t even consider looking at her self as a dead stage girl. Because Maya has known her entire life what she’s going to do, she has never considered stepping off of the stage. That’s why she doesn’t even bother to look at it, instead looking at the giraffe, the stand in for the audience, the stage, or whatever other concept it symbolizes that day.

Also it’s interesting that when Junna asks what they need to put an end to, Maya answers “to greed.” She also says “to brutality”, but the greed thing feels more impactful considering Claudine understood that Maya was just a greedy person back in episode 4. Anyways, Maya says they need to do that to continue acting on stage and to get to the next stage, which shows that even she isn’t ready to move onto the next stage, as she thinks she has to strip away some of her uglier emotions to get to her next stage.

Anyways, from the giraffe rolls a tomato that Maya picks up. Because he’s made of vegetables and other fruits now. And no one questions it.

Please someone question this.

They questioned the talking giraffe so much in the show, but literally no one has anything to say about this.

As the giraffe says, he is their food, their fuel. This ties into the original auditions from the show, but there the fuel was each other and it was used to get the top star to their stage of destiny. But in the upcoming Revues, they aren’t fighting to be the top star. They are fighting because as stage girls, they need to hunger for a new stage, like Nana said.

So by eating the tomato that comes from the giraffe, they are choosing to continue being a stage girl. And by repeating Maya’s answer, that they are already on stage, they have grown past the versions of themselves that lost to Nana.

And then we get three whole Revues plus scenes of Karen’s past and Hikari’s journey before getting to the actual topic of this essay. I wouldn’t blame you for forgetting what’s going on with Maya and Claudine before we check back on them.

Although We see Claudine for a little bit, since she has a little cameo in the Revue of Resentment, which was nice. But like, why? Literally no one else ever takes part in anyone else’s Revue. What is she doing here?

I mean I guess it fits into her philosophy with her classmates, where she gets involved in everyone else’s business whether they like it or not. Although we never really got to see that in the show because Maya was on her mind like 95% of the time. Maya’s probably not on her mind right now though, since she’s smug once more, so clearly she got over whatever happened on the train and is confident again, just like at the start of the movie.

Also would you look at that? Some unattended, extra Star Buttons. I wonder if those will ever be used in the future?

But before we get to the Revue of Soul, I want to take a moment to reflect on how all the other ones started. Futaba burst into the scene while Kaoruko was challenging Claudine. Hikari ran into the stage looking for Karen but instead got Mahiru. And Junna was blindsided by Nana forcing her to commit seppuku. What I’m trying to say is that none of the Revues have started with both participants on the same page. And once they do meet up, they immediately start performing because they can’t contain themselves any longer.

Which is why it’s a shock when we get to Maya and Claudine, who are backstage and playing a kids game of Shoji before their revue. They’ve quite literally hung their cloaks up and are just vibing before the show.

And in a reversal of their usual positions, Claudine beats Maya. Maya hasn’t even won once, but she insists that next time she will, just like what Claudine usually says.

Anyways, the lighthearted conversation they have about Maya sucking at Shoji segues into Claudine monologuing about her own failings as a stage girl. Like Maya, Claudine also decided the stage was going to be her way of life long ago. But if that were true, then Claudine shouldn’t have lost to Nana, she should have stayed undefeated like Maya.

But she was so focused on her stage with Maya that she didn’t consider the next stage. And once Maya acknowledged her, Claudine got satisfied with just that, and as a result lost that drive that made her an amazing stage girl in the show, and started decaying because of that. After all, if Claudine was so easily satisfied, she would never be able to grow as a stage girl in the future.

So that’s why Claudine wants to put an end to it with Maya here.

Claudine will be reborn. She will no longer chase Maya. She will find her next stage on her own.

And Maya’s shocked by this. She likes it when Claudine chases her. But Maya knows that she needs to get rid of her own greed if she wants to continue to the next stage, and Claudine needs to do this to get to her own next stage, as unfortunate for Maya that may be.

So despite her probably mixed feelings, she welcomes Claudine to the stage, seeing as they’ve both resolved to continue being stage girls, and that’s what the top star ought to do, right? Inspire everyone else so that they too can one day make it to her level, and Claudine did exactly that.

But that kind of leaves the issue of what Maya and Claudine are doing here.

After all, Claudine just got to the conclusion that it took most of them a Revue to get to. Kaoruko and Futaba, Hikari and Mahiru, Junna and Nana, each of them ended their Revues by cheering each other on as they went their separate ways. And Maya and Claudine just went through that emotional rollercoaster entirely backstage and off screen.

When they perform, the stage girls put everything out on stage. It’s a moment of complete honesty where they reveal all their insecurities and hidden feelings that they avoid in their daily lives. Sure the movie complicates this by adding portions where the stage girls play different characters, but in the end there's nothing but them left.

And it's because of this that they can help each other get ready for the future. Only by laying out their issues could they even begin to ask for help. Kaoruko’s pain over Futaba leaving her, Futaba’s insecurities about her own ability compared to Kaoruko, Mahiru’s fear that she won’t act well, Hikari’s constant escaping from her costars, Junna’s lack of self confidence, and Nana’s longing for a Junna that no longer exists.

But it was because of the Revues that the other person could help support them. Kaoruko understood that Futaba would eventually come back, Futaba got to be the selfish one for once and ignore Kaoruko’s feelings, Mahiru received validation as Hikari’s rival and as an actress, Hikari stopped running away and could properly face Karen, Junna found a new resolve, and Nana got to see Junna shine again.

So what’s the point of this upcoming Revue? Everyone else needed their revues so they could come to some conclusion about their future as a stage girl, but Claudine and Maya are good now. Like sure, Claudine lost in the Revue of Annihilation, yeah, but she figured out what she was doing wrong and corrected herself. And Maya never needed any help with her future as a stage girl in the first place.

Just like the animal shoji, this upcoming Revue is just a game for them. A way to pass time rather than anything personal. There’s no need for the vulnerability we saw before. And it’s all just so antithetical to every Revue we’ve seen so far.

Obviously that’s not going to be true for very long. It’s these two overdramatic losers we’re talking about after all.

So yeah, let’s get to the actual Revue now.

I know the Revues are all about acting, but this one is literally a play. Like when we hear the buzzer that starts the auditions, the curtain rises and it literally says Act I.

Not to mention, there’s an audience too! Everyone who finished their Revues is watching what’s going on.

And then we see our players, Maya and Claudine, or rather the stage person and the devil, because they are playing characters. Specifically characters from Faust, with Maya playing the eponymous Faust and Claudine playing Mephistopheles.

In the previous Revues, you could tell when a character is performing because they are wearing a costume instead of their Revue Outfit, and that’s true even here. Although they are wearing buttons that tie up their cloaks, their weapons are different from usual, and Claudine is speaking in a much lower register.

But while a good chunk of the current scene is superficial, it doesn’t mean it’s meaningless.

The frame next to Maya displays the golden bird from the Revue of Pride, the symbol of her dominance as a top star. In the Revue of Pride, Maya showed the difference between her and Karen, as no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t reach Maya’s level. Everything she did was futile as both the stage and Maya stopped Karen from getting any closer to the bird and the top.

Karen may have managed to win her previous Revues, but she still had a far way to go if she ever wanted to be the top star. And as Karen watched from the bottom of the stairs, you can hear Maya singing about how this is her pride.

That bird is the symbol of all her work to become a top star that no one else could reach.

Meanwhile the frame near Claudine contains the contract that will become very important later on, not that the first time viewer will notice that. But basically, that contract is Claudine’s promise to show Maya a brilliance that she’s never seen before, essentially that Claudine will beat Maya. Which if you think about it, is the exact same as her always saying that she hasn’t lost. She’ll win next time.

Essentially, that contract is the materialization of everything that kept her going as a stage girl despite her many, many losses to Maya.

And it’s no accident that these two meaningful props are framed similarly. Claudine and Maya act like this is just a game to them, but it’s really not. The two of them are too important to each other to let their final goodbye be so meaningless.

Plus, Picture frames will become an important motif as the Revue goes on, and actually you can see a ton of frames at the top of the stage before the light turns on for this Revue.

Anyways, similarly to her role in the gambling house from the Revue of Resentment, Claudine makes a bet with Maya: That if Claudine can show Maya a brilliance she has never seen before, Claudine can win Maya’s soul. And to show this, she steals the bird from Maya’s painting, which is basically a declaration of war when you consider what it meant in the Revue of Pride. But I guess here it’s Maya’s soul?

Undaunted, Maya accepts her offer and signs the contract in blood tomato juice with a T for Tendo, establishing the bet.

And I mentioned that whatever is in the frames is important to them, so I just think it’s a neat visual detail of how much the two of them affected each other by physically changing these symbols.

With the bet established, the stage responds to the two of them, changing the set and starting Act II of the play. It’s titled the Black Tragedy, or the Colorless Desire of the Stage Person. Black refers to Claudine, since her nickname Kuro means black in Japanese, and she’s gonna suffer a pretty big loss in a bit, or that she’s going to be the tragedy that awaits Maya later, I guess. And the Colorless Desire of the Stage Person hints at Maya’s ideal of a top star, as in one that’s empty.

Anyways, the two of them spar for a bit, but it’s not an actual Revue Fight. They are using different weapons from usual, since neither of them have the gem that shines with a stage girl’s passion. And if you listen to the song, you can hear Claudine and Maya refer to each other as Devil and Stage Person, meaning these are just lines in the play for their characters. Plus we see Claudine hide in the shadows using a bunch of demon cut outs as a distraction, which isn’t exactly how Saijo “How dare you look away from me in the Middle of a Revue” Claudine would usually fight.

But then again, seeing the misdirection she pulls off later in the Revue, maybe she has recently adopted a bit of trickery into her arsenal.

Again though, I want to stress that this is like a game to them. They’re saying cheers in French and talking about making a wager. They’re playing. They’re having fun in this Revue. They like competing against each other. Earlier I asked what’s the purpose of this Revue, and the reason is because they want to do a Revue with each other. And you know what? I’m enjoying it too.

Fuck it, I ship them, I’ve even written fanfiction of them. I like it when they’re happy together. Plus it’s a nice change of pace to not have to deal with any heavy emotions for a bit considering we just went through three very emotionally charged Revues and snippets of Karen’s really lonely backstory.

But neither Maya nor Claudine are content to let their final goodbye just be a play that anyone could perform.

As the battle draws to an end, three artworks in those recurring frames descend from the ceiling, and they depict the stage person Maya triumphant, the devil Claudine defeated, and a discarded star clasp.

And while Claudine and Maya ignore it, it might seem familiar to the viewer because the poses and the position of the paintings match the scene at the end of episode 2, where Maya beat Claudine in an audition.

This is because Maya, as the artist we see later, is asserting their history through the play. Despite the two acknowledging each other as equals, Claudine has still never beaten Maya, and they both know that. Maya has always been one step ahead of Claudine.

Back in the play, Claudine shouts at Maya to give her the soul and thrusts her sword forward, but only ends up skewering her hat with Maya nowhere to be seen. And the framing of the scene makes the hat cover the painting behind it with the button, as though Claudine had stabbed the button.

That’s because Claudine should have won here.

In the story of Faust, Mephistopheles does end up taking his soul. It’s a tragedy, so the main character loses. If they were properly acting this play out, Claudine would have won here. So had she been fighting anyone other than Tendo Maya, she would have cut her opponent’s clasp off here.

The show should have ended. You can hear canned applause from the audience, but Maya has disappeared, so something’s up.

We eventually find Maya in the audience, who is clapping along with the empty audience for a show well done.

And then Maya brings up Rivals.

Now, Faust and Mephistopheles are not rivals. Mephistopheles is so much more powerful than a mere human, he’s just lending Faust his powers so he can eventually drag him to hell. They are not equals. Meaning Maya isn’t acting anymore, she’s talking about herself and Claudine now. She’s finished with her performance.

Anyways that little laugh Maya did before saying rivals pissed Claudine off because she thinks Maya is mocking her, so she asks what’s so funny about that. Again, showing Claudine’s insecurity about actually being equal to Maya. We saw this on the train when she was out of the loop with Maya and Nana, and we see this again here, showing that maybe Claudine still craves Maya’s approval.

But the one hole in that theory is that Claudine is still acting here.

Although, there is a moment of genuine surprise in her own voice when she sees Maya, that doesn’t last for very long.

But even though they’re talking about themselves now, Claudine’s voice is still much lower than usual. Plus she’ll continue using the masculine pronoun for I (ore) that the devil uses instead of her usual feminine I (watashi).

By the way, don’t expect any more analysis of the actual Japanese wordings from me ever again. I don’t know the language at all and the very little I do know comes from Anime, so that’s like net negative knowledge actually.

Anyways, back from my tangent, Maya elaborates that Claudine has been doing a very good job at playing the role of a rival who chases after her, which pisses off Claudine even more because what the fuck does Maya mean role? It’s not a role, she is Maya’s rival.

And Maya doesn’t disagree. As we see later, she sees role and one's self as the same. She’s always performing, doing what’s expected of her as a top star. So in a weird way, Maya simultaneously thinks that Claudine is her rival and that Claudine did a very good job at playing the role of her rival. It’s confusing. And Maya tries to explain this, talking about the real role she must perform, the ultimate stage person.

Earlier I mentioned that Maya going to New National was expected of her, and here we hear the other expectations she’s been given, as a thoroughbred, because both of her parents are in theater, but also as a genius. But instead of feeling pressured, Maya embraced these titles.

That’s why her advice to Kaoruko back in episode 6 was that she ought to meet the lofty ideal that Futaba set for her. The sense of duty to always be the very best you can be. In fact, Maya wants to go beyond the expectation that everyone else set for her, aiming for an even more impossible goal that only she could achieve.

But that’s just Maya’s perspective. I’m sure it sounds very grand to her and us at this point, but I doubt Claudine would be very impressed by this goal. And this is all speculation on my end, but I want to rewind to what Maya’s said earlier, when Maya talks about how people called her a thoroughbred and a genius.

And like, Claudine knows that. That was the whole reason she approached Maya when they first met at the entrance exam, because Maya was called those exact same words. But Claudine was pretty famous too. She was called “genius child actor” and “future top star”. And she got ahead of herself because of that. And as Claudine says in episode 10, she was so lame because of that overinflated ego. But when Maya kept beating her, that brought her back down to earth and forced her to be reborn as someone humbler and harder working.

So basically, what I’m trying to say is that Claudine thinks what Maya is saying here is super cringy. It’s like seeing someone do something embarrassing, but then you remember when you did that exact same thing years ago.

It’s the worst.

So in order to end this living nightmare, Maya needs someone to bring her down to earth like she did for Claudine so long ago.

But not yet. Right now is a moment of triumph for Maya as she reveals the cool new bird that is her soul. It’s way cooler than the golden one that Claudine took before because it’s bigger and moves. Plus it’s a vessel for god, since it has no emotions or instincts and is thus completely empty, and therefore can portray every single lead and stage.

Except for tragedies apparently, since Maya refused to play Faust properly and let Claudine steal her soul, so I wouldn’t say she’s perfect yet.

And with this reveal, Maya changes out of her stage person outfit and puts on a white, feathered dress which resembles the large, feathery dress the Top Star Otokoyaku would wear at the curtain call of the Takarazuka Revue. Also the giant staircase is a reference to the Takarazuka Revue, but then again it’s Revue Starlight, so there are staircases everywhere and everything is a reference to the Takarazuka Revue.

If any of those terms were confusing to you, then you really ought to look it up on your own. I’ll do my best here, but literally everything here is second hand information, so take what I say with a grain of salt. So for starters, the Takarazuka Revue is the all-female Japanese Theater troupe that Revue Starlight both glorifies and critiques. Specifically their top star system. But if you’re a fan of this show, you’ll probably like the Takarazuka Revue as well, considering the similar themes and concepts. The franchise was literally inspired by it, after all. And while unfortunately I am completely unqualified to talk about it, there are some good youtube videos and blog posts about it if you’re interested.

Anyways, just understand that by dressing up as the Top Star here, Maya is playing the role of the ideal top star she will be in the future. And I do mean role, since this whole thing is just an act. Maya still doesn’t have her usual sword with the gem that reacts to the passion of a stage girl. Although in her current mindset, Maya really doesn’t see the difference between herself and the role, so I guess it’s fine?

Also I want to talk about how the scene with the staircase elevating Maya is eerily similar to that one shot from the Revue of Pride, showing how this widens the distance between Maya and Claudine, despite them being equally matched moments before. This is the difference between a stage girl at the next stage and a stage girl stuck in the past.

And at the top of the stage, Maya also says the lines that will become recurring in this Revue: “For Heroes, there are trials. For Saints, there are temptations. For me, there is a devil.”

So basically Maya is acknowledging that Claudine hasn’t stopped acting yet, and so she continues the play as well. But Maya has completely changed the play. It’s no longer a tragedy where a devil steals the protagonist’s soul, but a victory for the stage person by tricking the devil. And just like how heroes and saints overcome trials and temptations to achieve their fame, Maya will overcome Claudine to ascend to becoming the ultimate stage person, because Maya isn’t there yet. She knows that. Her giant bird is rough and unfinished, nothing like the smooth and golden soul Claudine stole at the beginning of the Revue.

The ultimate stage person is the next stage for Tendo Maya. Although it’s incomplete, it's where she wants to go, and beating Claudine so absolutely here might let her do it.

Act III is titled “Like an Awry Arrow Revealing the Imitation of God,” which feels fitting considering that whole god complex thing Maya has going on and Claudine using some Junna trademarked tactics in this fight to misdirect Maya by hiding in the dark.

Anyways, they fight for a bit, and the bird projects a light down onto them with the frame in the background, and you can still see the shadow of the bird looming in the background. Eventually we see what’s going on through the frame and its various plays where Maya plays the Hero and Claudine plays the villain.

And while Claudine manages to keep up with Maya, it still ends with Claudine losing.

It doesn’t really mean much considering Claudine is just playing along with Maya though. You can hear it in the song, when Claudine agrees that “For you, a Devil”, even though we know she’d actually want to sing “For you, a Rival,” like she does later in the Revue.

But right now, she’s playing her part as the designated loser, the second fiddle to the main character. Because in this version of the play, the ultimate stage person overcomes the devil by tricking him. Although she offered her soul, the stage person was empty, so the devil gets nothing. The Devil just couldn’t comprehend the Vessel of God.

And Claudine’s playing along with it. She’s even doing the exact same pose as the devil in Maya’s sketch from earlier, which is a little different from her pose in episode 2 in that Claudine is unarmed in the sketch and here, unlike in her earlier Revue where she never let go of her sword.

And that’s why the Devil loses when the Vessel of God shows the infinite multitudes of herself, and wow it is such a good looking scene. It’s just so smooth and don’t forget the character designs! They did not have to go this hard on a ten second clip, but they did, and I appreciate that.

So yeah, the Devil realizes he’s outmatched, a series of frames come at him from the empty vessel, and Maya cuts off the button as Claudine goes falling to the ground, along with the other empty works that Maya had discarded in the dark.

And Maya is disappointed.

She’s like, that’s it? And sure she’s never really celebrated winning before, but she was having so much fun just a few moments ago and now it’s over.

The reason Maya showed Claudine this vision of her future self was because she wanted Claudine to match her. Claudine has always been able to keep up with Maya, and Maya hoped that she could continue to do so as Maya went to her next stage, but it just didn’t work out.

But Maya will learn to live with it. After all, this Revue was supposed to be an end to them, so she’d have to go her separate ways with Claudine anyways, and who knows. Maybe Claudine will use this experience to grow on her own, and be even better the next time Maya sees her. A parting gift, basically.

But for now, it’s the end, and she’s on her own at the very top. So Maya claims position zero as she has so many times before.

But she can’t. The stage rejects her victory.

In a reversal of the scene where Maya was in the audience, now we have Maya confused and Claudine laughing, once again in the spotlight.

And it’s only at this point that Claudine stops acting. Her voice is back in her regular register and she talks like normal again.

Maya wonders what’s going on since she’s sure that she beat Claudine, and Claudine reveals she had a second button on her anyways, so the win didn’t matter.

She also reveals that the button was in her mouth the entire time, making me wonder how she managed to sing with that there.

And Maya gets mad at this. Actually mad.

As the top star, we rarely see Maya have an over the top reaction to anything, so this is kind of a first. She’s usually calm and collected and just goes along with everything. She didn’t even seem that down when she lost to Hikari and Karen.

But all despite that, we do actually see Maya getting angry exactly three times in Revue Starlight, and each time it’s kinda subtle.

The first time is in her Revue with Karen, when Karen thought she could challenge Maya for her position as Top Star without the proper resolve, and Maya beats Karen even harder than she was before for that insulting thought.

The second time is when Nana refuses to go all out in the auditions because she wants to be the Banana that everyone loves, and Maya is barely controlling herself when she tells Nana that she wouldn’t forgive her for that.

And the third time is in the Revue Starlight specials when Hikari plays Claire differently from how Maya would have done it, and instead of facing her frustrations with losing the top role, she criticizes Hikari’s performance. Although she isn’t very subtle about her by the end, and basically starts screaming once she realizes what she’s feeling and comes to terms with it. Plus she makes up with Hikari afterwards. But it’s really not great that Maya implies that it’s been so long since she was properly frustrated that she didn’t even recognize the emotion. In fact, Junna mentions she has never seen Maya that frustrated before, and gets genuinely surprised when Maya laughs. Although that may be because it seemed like Maya was laughing at Junna’s newest original quote. Maya has a really bad habit of laughing at the worst times, now that I think about it. Remember the thing from earlier with Claudine?

And while one of these is a lot pettier than the others, it is worth noting that everytime Maya got mad, it was because she thought her opponent wasn’t taking the stage seriously enough.

And right now Claudine just broke the laws of the stage.

And like sure, these Revues aren’t exactly following the same rules as the show. Mahiru cut Hikari’s button but continued Revue and Junna managed to go past Position Zero. Actually, now that I think about it, even in the show we had Karen getting up again after Hikari cut her clasp in the Revue of Astral Sins, so the laws of the stage are more suggestions at this point.

But Claudine and Maya aren’t them.

These two are the establishment. They are the embodiment of everything amazing and painful in the top star system. They are what Karen and Hikari needed to overcome in order to shine together in the show.

The two of them aren’t meant to subvert the Revues like this.

And technically Claudine didn't. After all, it’s not like Claudine’s a sore loser who won’t accept a loss. I mean she can be a sore loser who won’t accept a loss, but you know what I’m saying.

As Nana said, these aren’t auditions. They aren’t fighting over a single role that someone else can bestow upon them. This is for their own self satisfaction, and clearly Claudine isn’t satisfied with this ending.

Anyways, Claudine brings up the contract they signed where Claudine promised a brilliance that no one has ever seen in exchange for her soul, but the contract is discarded and in the dark, so you’d be forgiven for forgetting it. After all, it was just flavor text, right? That was part of the play, not this Revue between the two of them.

But without Maya’s knowledge, the two of them apparently agreed to change the final goal to the T on the contract instead of the normal position zero, so that’s the ending that this Revue has to honor.

It’s rather devilish of Claudine though, making a contract that tricks the signatory. There’s a reason you shouldn’t make a deal with the Devil, you won’t know the true cost until it’s too late.

And maybe Maya did forget it, but still, she showed her Vessel of God, the ultimate actress who could perform any lead. If anything, that should have been the never before seen brilliance. The Revue should be over. Maya should be satisfied.

But Maya isn’t an Empty Vessel of God. She’s human. That’s the advice that Claudine kept trying to tell everyone at the start of the movie. “Maya is just like them, don’t get intimidated.” And she’s not empty either. She’s full of Pride and Arrogance and Envy and Longing.

Pride and Arrogance is the name of the song that was performed in the Revue of Pride. Technically it’s a duet between her and Karen, but even then Maya completely dominated both the Revue and song, with Karen only getting like a couple lines in the beginning before getting drowned out and utterly defeated. It was the song where Maya sang about the difference between her and Karen, the difference that makes Maya a top star. Pride, the deadly sin, is the reason Maya is the top star. It’s how she got to where she was.

As for envy and longing, that was literally her motivation for the auditions. When Claudine asked Maya why she was in the auditions to become a top star when she was already a top star, her only reason for joining was because she didn’t want to see someone else become the top star. She is a jealous person and just the thought of that would make her go mad with envy. Again, one of the seven deadly sin pushed her to constantly compete to stay the Top Star and never rest on her laurels.

And like I said earlier, it was that conversation that got Claudine to realize that Maya was just super greedy. Another deadly sin. Can you really call someone like that an Empty Vessel of God?

So like Claudine says, Maya is just a greedy human.

Okay, so I know I sound a little pretentious by talking about sin and what it means, but that’s not my fault. Revue Starlight did it first. When Hikari traps herself in the eternal stage, she says it’s her punishment for her sin of trying to steal everyone’s brilliance. And then Karen responds that all of the stage girls sinned by aiming to be the top star as well. So by definition, it’s impossible to even be a stage girl without sinning.

Anyways I just thought that was a neat little aside, now let’s get back to watching Maya’s entire future fall apart right in front of her.

The Empty Vessel of God was just a goal for her, and Maya isn’t there yet. It’s the role she thinks she must perform. So Maya knows that Claudine is right when she says that Maya’s acting isn’t up to par for this role. Claudine is the one who’s been watching Maya the closest. She knows who Maya is, and Maya herself told Claudine half of these facts.

Before this Revue, backstage in the dressing room, Claudine said that she would to put an end to it with Maya and be reborn so she could stand on the next stage. But she’s taking that back now. Now she’ll be reborn to beat her rival into submission.

Claudine played along with whatever Maya was doing earlier, because that was part of the Revue. She wanted to act and perform on stage with Maya. But now that Claudine sees this warped worldview that Maya has for her future, she can’t just ignore that. She’d never forgive herself if she just let Maya ruin herself like this. And Claudine is nosy and always gives her opinion on what someone ought to do, like with Junna and Futaba at the start of the movie, even when it’s not asked for. Especially when it’s not asked for, in Kaoruko’s case.

She knows she has to get Maya down the right path to be a top star, and unlike Maya, Claudine doesn’t just expect others to be inspired by her and try to match her. She reaches out her hand and pulls them up along with her.

So Claudine chooses to be reborn just to beat Maya so thoroughly that it will bring her down to earth the same way Maya did for her back in the entrance exam. It’s what Maya needs.

And who cares about the next stage? It doesn’t matter right now. For Claudine, it’s only the two of them.

So Claudine kills herself and is reborn.

She reappears at the top of the stairs, out of the costume and in her usual Revue outfit, so we know for sure that she’s no longer acting. She also manages to make a mockery of Maya’s ideals by parodying Maya’s Revue Introduction for her own Revue Introduction. Actually, with the elevated starting position and the bird imagery in the background, even her entrance is a parody of Maya.

But despite that, she is unabashedly herself right now. She still states her ideals and goals for this upcoming Revue, to have her brilliance show Maya something she has never seen before. She made that introduction into her own. She has her regular weapon again and she stopped acting entirely. She physically destroys the Vessel of God, which is kind of unnecessary when you consider how thoroughly she disproved its existence earlier.

And if we take Claudine’s lyrics as fact, that right now, the stage belongs to her, then that means Claudine being herself managed to shine brighter than Maya being the perfect lead, proving Maya’s whole plan for her next stage to be completely and utterly useless.

So after such a thorough rebuttal, Maya has no reason to play the role of the perfect top star anymore, and as such also disappears, letting her costume and her button fall, just like Claudine from earlier, so she too can be reborn.

Maya accepts Claudine’s challenge to beat her into submission, not that she thinks it’s going to happen, and reappears rising from the stage where they held their play, which is opposite to the stage with the giant staircase. And before she rises, the painting of the button from before falls, essentially balancing out Maya’s win from before by getting Claudine to drop one of Maya’s buttons. Well, sort of. Plus the pictures of her history of victories over Claudine disappear as well, so basically the two of them are restarting this Revue with a clean slate.

Now in the Revue of Pride, Maya descends on a swan during her Revue Introduction. In the Revue of Fate, Maya and Claudine appeared on top of Tokyo Tower before doing their Revue Introductions. This is because Maya has always been the favorite to win, the closest to reaching the top, but for the first time, she’s the underdog who has to rise to get to the stage. She has to meet Claudine’s challenge for once.

So just like Claudine, Maya also parodies Claudine’s usual introduction and ideals, while making it her own. She plans to show Claudine the difference between them once and for all, just like before, but now she’s not going to act as if she’s been enlightened. It’s pure arrogance at this point. And I guess to mirror Claudine stealing Maya’s imagery, Maya has those sun rays coming from her head which bring to mind King Louis IV, the Sun King of France. It’s a bit of a stretch, but I think it works. There’s also the Cold Sparklers on the stage since Claudine is kinda associated with fire, like the burning passion Claudine mentions in her Revue introduction. It feels like a stretch though.

But it’s kinda important that their Revue Introductions, the thing that is supposed to be all about the performer, is being used to mock each other. That Revue introduction is supposed to be everything they stand for, everything they want from this Revue, and like sure they still do that, but now their introductions are literally barbs and personal attacks on each other. They’re already fighting before the Revue even properly begins. Their only goal here is to fight each other, anything else is an afterthought.

And that includes their positions too! Neither Maya nor Claudine introduce themselves with their head or as 2nd rank here like they usually do. They’ve thrown all that out as well. Their past doesn't matter here. It’s just Maya and Claudine of the 99th class.

Honestly I love this berserker mindset that the two of them have going on for each other right now. Literally the only thing on their mind is beating each other. It’s so unhinged and I am loving it.

Anyways, once Maya appears from the ground, you can hear orchestral notes from Pride and Arrogance with each of her arm movements, signaling that Maya has given up on being that ideal empty vessel and is now performing like her usual self again. And now that Claudine and Maya have gotten rid of all pretenses, the title of the Revue shows up.

Their Revue has finally started.

The stage is reconstructed and merged, with the roses and crosses from the play mixing with the obelisks and the stairs from Maya’s Vessel of God set. It also marks the start of Act IV, “We, together.” And wow is that title fitting.

The music slows for a bit, with the only movement being the wind that blows through their clothes and hair. If that imagery sounds familiar, that’s because this is a callback to the Revue of Annihilation. Only instead of Maya and Claudine being out of sync again, now they charge at each other in time with the music.

Also I like the little detail of how they have to fall down from their platform and rise up again to meet each other in the middle. It feels symbolic.

Anyways, while locking swords, Claudine brings up how Maya dropped her facade and is her usual self again, and Maya takes offense to her glee because she kind of hates this usual self since it doesn’t fall in line with her image of the ideal top star, calling it emotional and ugly. But Claudine is kinda into it. She wants to see more. The audience wants to see more. After all, we don’t like Tendo Maya because she’s the perfect top star, I mean we do, but we also like her because she’s an overdramatic dork.

Although I’m guessing the audience Claudine is actually referring to is their friends who have been watching this entire thing, if you recall from earlier. And yeah, they like Maya too. They don’t want Maya to force herself to be someone she’s not. They want her to be herself around them.

Then again, Revue Starlight operates on Schrödinger's Fourth Wall, so who knows which one Claudine is actually talking about. Maybe she’s talking about the faceless masses that Maya has always been trying to impress. I literally could not tell you.

But you know what, Claudine especially likes this Maya, saying the desperate and emotional Maya is the cutest she’s ever been, since Maya usually represses these feelings.

The cute thing is a callback to when they lost against Karen and Hikari in the Revue of Fate, when Maya told Claudine that she was cute when she cried. Claudine was so invested in the stage and in their victory that she was overcome with emotion when they couldn’t make it, and Maya likes that. She likes Claudine when she gives her all to the stage. And now Maya sees that Claudine likes Maya when she does the same.

Either that or Maya meant that Claudine is cute no matter what she does, even if she isn’t measuring up to the unreasonable high expectations that Claudine set for herself to match Maya, which is why she doesn’t have to keep proving herself to Maya. But in that case, Maya also doesn’t need to try and be some unreachable lead for Claudine, she just needs to be Maya.

So Maya responds in the most Tendo Maya way ever by stating that she’s always cute, because she’s always given her all to the stage, but it’s still good to see her proudly reclaim that with pride and arrogance. And she’s no longer mad at getting exposed, just thrilled again to be able to perform with Claudine.

Anyways, while fighting, the two of them literally do nothing but sing about each other. They use their opponent’s name as puns in the song, they talk about how they only need to look at each other forever, you get the gist. But what’s interesting about this fight is that the stage isn’t responding to them. They maneuver around by swinging on ropes they cut off. The momentum of landing causes Maya to get thrown off her platform, and the smoke cloud that ensues when it falls blinds Claudine from one of Maya’s attacks. Their attacks kick up the ornately placed rose petals and send them everywhere, and the stage rising literally tosses them flying in the air.

The stage is literally breaking apart as they fight, which has never been an issue for them before. Only minutes before, Claudine got the stage to make devil cutouts that she could hide in and Maya got the frames to fall and attack Claudine. The stage responds to the passion of a stage girl, but right now it’s getting in the way because they don’t need the stage. They’ve gone past it even. They just need each other, they are their own stage at this point.

Anyways, while falling, Maya grabs onto Claudine’s cloak and complains about how if it wasn’t for her, Maya wouldn’t be exposed as a fraud. Remember, Maya’s philosophy as a top star is to be someone who inspires others to try and be like her. But that really doesn’t hold up if we see that Maya herself doesn’t even act like that, so there’s really no reason for anyone to try to emulate that in the first place. But if you look at her face, you can tell Maya doesn’t really mind. If anyone was going to expose her, she’s glad it was Claudine.

And Claudine grabs her cloak in return and agrees that only she could do this. After all, the two of them are special to each other.

They said as much in their Revue against Karen and Hikari, when the two of them took a break from fighting so they could stare longingly in each other's eyes and confess that they understand each other instinctually and only they can keep up with each other.

While falling, Maya resolves to expose her everything on stage, a complete 180 from her position only a few minutes ago, and Claudine tells her that she has a partner who she can expose everything to on the stage, namely herself. This is mirrored in the song, where Maya says basically the same thing and Claudine promises to accept it, be it ugly or beautiful. Oftentimes the song has the singer's true feelings, which can sometimes contradict the words that the person says on stage, but not this time. The two of them have resolved to be completely true to each other, and aren’t hiding their real thoughts out of shame or insecurities anymore.

And what are their true thoughts?

They want to cross swords forever. They love the stage and they can’t part from it. It makes them pathetic clowns in Maya’s eyes, but it’s fine for Claudine since they’ll have each other as Rivals as long as they stand on stage together.

And that’s great for both of them. Their competition makes each other better. They’ve always known that. Back in their dressing room, Claudine was worried she stagnated because she was satisfied with just being Maya’s equal. But now she sees that as long as she continues to compete with Maya, she can still grow as a stage girl without decaying or dying.

Actually, the only reason she was dying as a stage girl was because she thought she didn’t have anything to prove, but here’s someone who will constantly ask her to put her best self forward over and over again as they push each other higher and higher.

Actually, going back to when Maya comforted Claudine after their loss, Maya says the same thing she said in this Revue, that she can only go higher if Claudine is there. Meanwhile Claudine says that Maya makes her more beautiful, a direct contrast to how Maya claimed her emotional self was ugly before. In the song, when Maya talks about exposing herself, Claudine says it could be ugly or beautiful, but clearly she thinks that it will be beautiful in the end.

Also, you see that orange glow that’s starting to get brighter in that little window at the stage? That’s the start of the fire that will consume the set by the end of the Revue, and it only grows when Claudine mentions her beauty.

The two of them take a moment to call each other by their first names instead of their full names like they always do because they’re extra. This is probably a reference to “Ma Maya” and “Ma Claudine”, but I guess they thought the tenderness would feel a little out of place in this climactic showdown. Personally I think they’re wrong, but I’ll give them a pass because everything else has just been so perfect.

The two of them repeat the refrain from earlier, about how heroes have trials, saints have temptations, but they change the last line to “For me, there is you!” They’ve divorced the line from any roles, now it’s just them.

Although in the song, Claudine sings that “For each of us two, a rival”, not exactly cutting out the roles from before, but keep in mind Claudine always saw herself as a rival to Maya, it wasn’t just a role to her. But it also has a greater meaning in the larger scope of the movie, since Hikari and Karen eventually also become rivals and have this relationship, so it’s a bit more universal when Claudine says rivals instead of you. Then again the next line of the song is the two of them agreeing that their rival is each other, so it doesn’t really matter too much.

So basically, Claudine got Maya to admit that she should expose everything on stage and give up on being an empty vessel, as well as getting Maya to admit that Claudine was her rival. I mean we already knew that second thing, but still.

So by showing Maya a brilliance she had never seen before, that being the two of them pushing each other by being themselves, Claudine has completely outshone Maya’s ideal top star that could play any lead. She fulfilled the promise she made for Maya’s soul, so she can claim the Position Zero that the two of them set on that contract from before instead of bothering with the Position Zero given to them by the stage.

And Maya agrees. Once Claudine strikes the finishing blow, we see a frame around Claudine. Now earlier, when Maya had the frames, it displayed one of the infinite multitudes of herself that she could play in a production. But Claudine isn’t playing anyone. She is unashamedly herself, and Maya thinks she’s beautiful. Claudine is far more compelling that that empty top star that Maya tried to be.

Also, I want to bring up what the frames mean. The frames showcase the works they have made as stage girls, be it their plays, hard work, or promises. And Claudine couldn’t get here on her own. Her radiance is a direct result of their rivalry. So Claudine herself is one of Maya’s works, just like how Maya is a product of Claudine. They molded each other that deeply.

And immediately after saying that Claudine is beautiful, the stage gets set on fire, which is fine since it kept getting in their way anyways. The fire also melts away any traces of the giant mechanical bird.

✨Symbolism✨

Okay but actually the fire is a reference to what the giraffe told Hikari right before this Revue, of how he was the fuel to be set alight by the passion of stage girls. As he said, stage girls are dangerous, but it’s because of that danger that they are so beautiful, just like what Maya sees in Claudine. And that beauty/danger was so much that it burned down the stage, I guess. I don’t think that’ll hold up if you go to court for arson, but what do I know?

But actually, this burning down of the stage may have been foreshadowed long ago.

Back in episode 3, after beating Karen in the Revue of Pride, Maya tells her that there is only one star that shines at the top. But then it cuts to the aftermath of Claudine and Futaba’s revue, where Claudine helps her opponent up, and Maya trails off in the voice over, saying “However, the flames of her passion…”

Maya had firm ideals about what a top star should be, namely alone, but even at the start of the series, Maya knew that the flames of Claudine’s passion could overwhelm that. Admittedly it was Karen and Hikari who actually proved her wrong in episode 10, but Claudine is the one who actually changes Maya’s perspective on how she should be a star here.

And change she did. After her loss, you can actually see a couple tears in Maya’s eyes! Maya didn’t even do that when she and Claudine lost! And she clearly had strong feelings about losing, even if it was hard for her to understand at the time, at least that's what she said in the specials.

And even though she isn’t full on bawling Claudine did for her, she’s letting herself be more open, and that’s a start. She’s letting herself go through the emotions that the stage brings out in her.

Although there’s really not much of a stage left, considering everything got burnt down and destroyed.

Anyways, Claudine takes this as a moment to gloat about winning the bet, because yeah, she did. She’s been waiting for this moment for years now. That has to feel good.

But Maya pulls a page out of Claudine’s book and says she hasn’t lost yet, this was one of the rounds. That the two of them will continue to challenge each other over and over again for the rest of their days until their contest is over.

And that contest isn’t ending anytime soon, since as Claudine says, the Revue of Rivals doesn’t end for all eternity. Which is a big departure from what the two of them decided backstage, that they would put an end to it.

Although neither of them mind, considering they look pretty self satisfied laying on the ground.

Anyways, we get a shot of the two of them holding hands over the Position Zero on the contract they made, which is probably a call back to when Karen and Hikari were in basically the same position after their final Revue in the Show.

In that scene, there was nothing but the stage, their promise, and each other. And they made it work, despite all the bumps along the way. And just like them, Maya and Claudine also make a promise, to keep performing their Revue of Rivals that never ends. Sure they might be able to stand on the same stage anymore, considering their different troupes, but they’re still connected, just like Karen and Hikari were for all those years when Hikari was in London.

Funnily enough that’s not the only thing they steal from Karen and Hikari. Even the way they hold hands over their Position Zero is a reference! Normally, in the play Starlight, Claire holds out her hand, but grasps nothing but air because Flora was blinded and fell off the tower. But in Karen and Hikari’s rewritten Starlight, their promise is kept and Claire and Flora can hold onto each other (and the stars they were longing for) using the same odd grip that Maya and Claudine use to hold onto each other.

After seeing so many pairs of stage girls agree to meet again after they part, we are finally seeing a pair who agreed to part but still got to keep their promise to reach the stars together, a pair who will still be connected no matter the distance.

It’s kind of hopeful in a way for all the other pairs who separated actually. Maya and Claudine are at the final step of the journey each of them will be taking in the future, and we can see that they’ll be connected in spirit as rivals. So that means Futaba will eventually make her way back to Kaoruko after proving herself. Mahiru will continue loving the stage and her brilliant self, as well as be Hikari’s rival. Junna and Nana will meet each other on the same stage in due time. And neither Karen nor Hikari will lose themselves in the other in the end.

Anyways, they also say we are the flames that fall together while burning, which is probably a reference to the giraffe from earlier, since he was also falling and on fire. But when he did that, he talked about his role, which was to light the stage, which I guess could corroborate what I said earlier on how Maya and Claudine are a hopeful future for everyone else.

And yeah, that’s where we leave them. Sure, we get the shot of everyone tossing their capes off at the end, but this is where the two of them end their story together. Well, not actually, but you know what I mean. From here on we’re going to see them as individuals.

We see that Maya got into New National, along with Futaba and Mahiru. It’s also nice that Maya isn’t alone in her next stage, a reversal from all her talk about how a top star needs to stand alone from before, but then again she hasn’t been peddling that nonsense much in this movie. But all of them seem excited to invite Hikari to their next performance, so hopefully it’s all going well with them there.

And then we see Claudine, who it looks like is working at a coffee shop in Paris alongside acting at Theatre du Flamme, the troupe that scouted her. Anyways, she promises to visit Hikari next time, which I guess she can do by just crossing the English Channel. Plus she also has that little chick in her window, probably to remind her of Maya.

Honestly this one probably was my favorite Revue when I first watched the movie. I mean it actually had a kinda happy ending instead of a bittersweet one, so that definitely scored some points in my book.

But even now I just think it’s so good. Like I didn’t even realize that Maya had been repressing herself throughout the show. Like Maya literally said she would go mad with jealousy if she saw someone else be the top star, but she took that loss way better than Claudine. Obviously she wasn’t ok with that. And sure we see her actually lose her temper about it in one of the specials, but I’m going to guess a good chunk of viewers didn’t even know they exist. Seriously, watch the specials. We actually get to see Hikari bonding with her classmates, it’s beautiful. But this Revue feels it completed a character arc I didn’t even know was going on but makes total sense in hindsight! Plus seeing Claudine in non feral mode actually helped me understand her character in the show a lot more beyond her relationship with Maya. Somehow, everything in this movie feels like it was handcrafted just to make me appreciate the show more!

And it just feels like everything a Revue should be about. Like they always called it performing, but this is the first time we actually see a Revue as a play with actors. But then their personalities and struggles slowly start to bleed through the role until they’re showing their true selves on stage and are desperately trying to one up each other.

Don’t get me wrong, every single Revue did that in the movie. You can see everyone get more desperate and unhinged as the Revues get closer to the end, but it just feels the most drastic with these two since they go from 0 to 100 real fast, unlike everyone else who you can clearly tell are worrying about something from the very start.

So yeah, good Revue. Honestly I think I should get a rival myself now. I feel like I’m missing out here.

And now here’s some more thoughts I either didn’t think of earlier or just didn’t want to completely derail the deep dive for:

Maya on the train mirrors the man in the poster that talks about how to act.

This feels kind of on the nose since Maya is the only one who isn’t defeated by Nana, so the rest of the stage girls need to learn how to act from Maya, since she’s the only good example at that point. It’s also her philosophy as a Top Star, that she shows others how to act as a top star and hopes they try and act like she herself did, by giving their all on stage.

I also think it’s funny how perturbed Maya is here when Mahiru would rather take a look at Futaba’s phone about the play they’re gonna see rather than her very interesting infodump about how cool New National is. Like despite acting all cool and detached, Maya can not stand not having the attention be on her, just like Claudine.

So I was recently told that when Nana is fighting each of the stage girls, the lyrics actually reflect a failing of each of the specific stage girls. I kind of missed that last time, my bad, but I do know now so I can talk about it a little.

Anyways, while the train goes back into the tunnel, Nana addresses the beautiful mademoiselle, and asks if there is wildness inside of her. Now by context, it sounds like she’s addressing Maya, because Maya tries to hide all those kinds of feelings and wildness. But the word beautiful will only be used to describe Claudine in their upcoming Revue, and mademoiselle also feels like it’s referring to the French Claudine.

And in a way, Claudine was hiding her wildness as well. I’ve been referring to her drive to beat Maya as feral, and apparently Nana agrees. She hasn’t been going all out recently because she’s been satisfied, and she’s been keeping that wildness dormant.

Although then in the next line, Nana says that the ones who will survive to the end will be:, and Maya is the only one who does survive to the end. After all, Maya is the only one ready for Wi(l)d-Screen Baroque, which basically means the next stage, so maybe she was referring to both of them in that middle line?

Nana was kinda on the backfoot when Claudine and Maya worked together. Like don’t get me wrong, she was clearly dancing around them easily, but it’s still worth noticing that she would block their blades when they attacked her individually, just like everyone else, but had to dodge when they attacked together. And in the end, Nana defeated Claudine because she attacked her without Maya.

Okay so at the Seisho Kick Off Party, usually there is a line from the script that someone else says while one of the major characters in frame, and it’s usually thematically relevant to their upcoming Revue. Only for Claudine, she is the one reading it, and Maya does not have a line for herself. But technically, the line Claudine says is for Maya. After reading it, Claudine looks elsewhere from her script, and while it seems like Claudine is taking a look at the Starlight Tower that Class B just put up, we later see her watching Maya perform.

So yeah, this is Claudine subconsciously realizing that she needs to get Maya down from the tower, she needs to bring her to earth, make her no longer the top star, but just Tendo Maya.

Okay so in their game of animal shoji when Claudine checks Maya, Maya is more concerned about the chick. And then Claudine teases her for not actually playing the game properly, and Maya makes an excuse that she feels sorry for the chick, which is why she noticed that first. It’s dumb, but it’s actually true.

So when actually Claudine beats Maya, it’s using only chicks because Maya can’t bring herself to take any of them. Maya really does have a soft spot for the birds she’s associated with.

Anyways, I’m going to take this funny little scene and use it to gush about how this is a microcosm of their upcoming Revue.

So basically, Claudine is constantly adapting in her pursuit to surpass Maya. She’s taking in new information all the time, and using that specifically so she can beat Maya in the game. This ties into the whole being reborn thing as many times as she needs to to beat Maya. Funnily enough, Maya repeats that she’ll win both the next game and the next Revue after Claudine beats her at both.

But it also kinda shows that Claudine is a much better strategist than Maya, which leads me to the question, was all this planned?

Like we’ve established that Claudine probably knows Maya better than Maya herself at this point, so Claudine might have known what she had to do coming into this Revue, which was to beat Maya so badly she had to completely reconsider her philosophy as a stage girl. I know I made her decision to be reborn to beat Maya sound kind of spontaneous in the main essay, and I stand by that because we do see her genuinely surprised a couple of times, but there’s an argument to be made that Claudine planned this super far ahead.

Like, she got the second button during that gambling scene with Kaoruko, but what was she initially planning to do with that? She tricked Maya into signing a contract so that the Revue wouldn’t end even if Maya beat her once. She continues to play along and act as the devil even after Maya breaks character. So was what she said backstage, about being reborn by ending it here, also just misdirection to lull Maya into a false sense of security? A ploy to create a sense of urgency and get Maya to finally reveal her hand, the Empty Vessel of God, just so Claudine could utterly demolish the idea?

But like none of that is very Claudine behavior. She’s always been direct and straightforward, so it doesn’t really make sense. So maybe they were just contingency plans? I mean sure she wants to win, but she’s never been underhanded about it before.

So maybe? Maybe not? Who knows?

She’s a really good actress, and it doesn’t really change the end result.

I think it’s funny that Maya is displaying her amazing stage talent with a bunch of framed paintings when canonically she just sucks so much at art. She absolutely hates it. The Revue Starlight 4-koma has 3 jokes that it keeps repeating about Maya, and one of them is how terrible of an artist she is. Painting is on her dislike profile. But here she is acting like that weakness doesn’t exist, another sign that she’s forcing herself to be someone she’s not.

Junna had to fight for her life to avoid dying as a stage girl, and here we have Claudine doing the exact same thing Nana was trying to get Junna to do and being reborn instantaneously. 

Junna is fuming in the audience for sure right now.

I am obsessed with their Revue introductions in this movie. I really wanted to go more in depth in the actual essay, but in order to not completely kill the pacing I’m moving it here so I can scream about it and no one can stop me.

Okay, so first off we get Claudine calling out Maya’s usual introduction with the shine of the moon and love of the star, because literally what the fuck does that mean. Like is Maya actually comparing her own brilliance to actual celestial bodies? They don’t actually mean anything. The thought is just as empty as that lead Maya was trying to portray. Anyways, she throws all that out in favor of her own light, the burning passion from her original intro, and promises to bash it into Maya’s heart, which is much more violent that Maya’s promise to send it. And then she takes Maya’s usual thing of showing her brilliance, but changes it to my brilliance will show you, because that’s the goal she set for this Revue.

Meanwhile, Maya kind of completely got rid of her earlier philosophy and is no longer trying to act like an otherworldly being. That’s why almost none of her new intro is like her old one, because none of that would fly with Claudine anymore. Instead she makes fun of Claudine’s bravado and pretentiousness. I mean seriously, talking about freedom and equality and love, who does she think she is, the French Revolution? She’s just as savage and pathetic as the rest of them. Instead, Maya details her own accomplishments, as the best and brightest, but in a much more narcissistic way than before. And while Claudine would have confidently stated that she was the star (in French), Maya makes it her own not only claiming to be the star, but mentioning the distance between them as no matter how high Claudine soars, it’s basically the abyss for Maya.

The disrespect! The incisiveness! The rage! They want to punch each other in the face soooo bad, I love it.

Okay but what the fuck is up with the roses? Was that supposed to be a Rose of Versailles reference? I legitimately have no idea, but it feels important considering there were roses in the background of Claudine being beautiful? I mean the only other things in that scene when Claudine beat Maya were themselves and the frames, so it feels important that the roses were there too. Is it really just for the aesthetic? I feel like I’m missing something here.

Also, can I just say we were robbed of never seeing Maya and Claudine have an actual Revue in the show. Like these were the two best performers in their class! I wanted to see what happened! It was probably amazing! Don’t get me wrong, them working together was awesome too, but I wanted more.

Although it is funny that apparently the two of them destroyed the stage even back then. Like this was not a one time thing. Literally every time they fight they cause complete and absolute destruction, and that’s amazing. Also probably a metaphor, but I don’t feel like thinking about that too hard right now.

And I know I’ve never really been that objective in these Deep Dives, but can I just say how happy I am that Claudine got her win against Maya here? Like she never really got her chance to shine in any Revues in the show, but you could see just how hard she worked and how badly she wanted to win, and she finally did it. And it was glorious. It was everything I ever wanted for the two of them.

This movie is just so good.

[matenrou-fan]

Could I request Ichiro with a female s/o he's known since his TDD days?

S/O is his classmate who, back then, was something of a delinquent. She got into a lot of fights and sometimes skipped classes.

One day, however, he needed someone to watch over Jiro and Saburo but the only person available was her. She ends up bonding with the two younger Yamada brothers who want her and Ichiro to marry her due to her motherly and caring nature.

Their still together years later and he's never been happier to have met her.

I hope this isn't too specific

Ichiro falling in love with his former classmate

here~ that one was really fun to write XD

Femreader, fluff, just wholesome stuff, a lot of dialogues;; 1759 words;;

Ichiro sigh tiredly, drumming his fingers to the table as he was thinking really hard. His head starts to hurt as he can't find a proper solution to this little problem that he had.

The fact is that he needed to leave Ikebukuro for a couple of days due to one of the requests from his job, and now he was worried about his little brothers. If it was something not too hard and he needed to go for a couple hours it would be nothing, but we are here talking about days. Even if Jiro is 17 now he is still not that good at household chores, and Ichiro doesn't even want to imagine all that mess that will meet him when he returns. And Saburo probably starts to talk back to Jiro, feeling more freedom without big bro..

There's no way he will leave them alone, but there is also no one who he can ask to. All his friends were busy these days and Ichiro started to lose hope. He even thought that maybe he should call Jakurai, who was pretty calm and good with treating kids. Maybe he can help him as an old friend, after all, they were getting along pretty good before, during this time when they all were in T.D.D.

Oh yeah.. His T.D.D era, when he was more.. young, wild and unruly. He chuckled, remembering the good old days and a sudden idea came to his mind.

S/o.. This girl was his classmate and he know her for a long time. They were friends for a long time, as she also was kinda bratty in high school, always getting in fights. Not only getting in, but also winning in them..! Ichiro was really admiring her competitive spirit, though he doesn't really appreciate the fact that she also skips classes sometimes.

But they don't talk for such a long time.. How much has she changed? He still has her phone number so why not try? Ichiro doesn't have that many options right now.

"Um.. Y-yeah, hello..!" - it was kinda embarrassing to remind s/o about yourself after a couple of years, and his voice was trembling a little bit now. - "It's Ichiro.. Wha- Did you recognize me by my voice?!"

After a little talk he explained the situation and was really glad that she was able to help him. Due to her voice and talks she's changed a little so Ichiro hopes that everything will be good and he will not be met by his house on fire.

***

You check the address another time, a little bit nervous as you get closer to Odd-Jobs Yamada. You kinda remember Ichiro from your school days with him but after graduation you don't talk that much.. Of course you know about his team, as rap battles were always one of the hot topics in social media now. He really changed very much in comparison to how he acts in high school, so you are wondering how he will treat you now.

"Oh, the door is open, come inside...!" - as you knock on the front door you almost immediately hear footsteps and Ichiro's voice.

His brothers were also here, looking at you so suspiciously. You can't help but chuckle as Ichiro introduces you to each other.

"I will try to finish all businesses as fast as I can. But remember that you always can call me at any time if something happens, even during night hours, okay..?" - he told you before he leaves, hugging Jiro and Saburo tightly as this two don't want to let him go.

"We would miss you so much, Ichi-ni..! Well, at least me, as Jiro is not capable of deep feelings with such an empty head, huh?" - the youngest brother sighs.

"Huh?? I'm sure you will be the first who will forget about Ni-san, as you will sit in your computer for whole days..!" - Jiro screamed in response with an angry face. It looks like the only one who can calm them down was Ichiro, as he looks at them with furrowed brows and they immediately get silent.

But as soon as the door closed behind Ichiro's back, this suspicious bratty look on their faces appeared again, as two brothers clearly saw you as the enemy.

"Uh oh.. It looks like we're gonna have a long week with you two, are we..?"

***

Ichiro sighs, sitting in the taxi, really impatient. He was on his way home, and the closer he got the more nervous he became. You didn't call him that much during these days, always telling that everything is alright, but he still couldn't calm down.

But here his house, still in its place and even looks the same, without any damage. Ichiro takes a package with little presents for his brothers and, of course, for you, and gets inside.

"Hey, hey, it's Ni-san..! S/o~chan, Ni-san is here..!" - Jiro screamed, jumping from the living room to the corridor to meet his dear big bro.

But Ichiro was stunned and speechless. Did Jiro actually just call you "S/o- chan..?" He can't remember when his little brother called anyone like that..

"Jiro, stop screaming..! Ichi-ni is probably really tired after his business trip.." - Saburo gets here too with a casual angry scoff that he always shows to Jiro. And then a cheerful, exciting expression blooms at his face as he looks at Ichiro - "Welcome home, Ichi-ni..!"

"Yeah, hello, hello.. I was missing you so much too.." - he giggles and hugs them back. Who knew he would actually miss these little fights between them? - "But where's s/o?"

"She's in the kitchen, a little bit busy with dinner. And I was helping her..!" - Saburo bragged with a smirk - "When Jiro preferred to watch some stupid tv..!"

"S..shut up! My favorite football team is playing today! And S/o-chan said that she doesn't mind if I relax a little. Hehe, don't you think she appreciates me more?" - Saburo hiss, hearing such a mockery from Jiro.

When Ichiro, once again, was frozen in place, absolutely confused. Are they fighting for your attention now or what? They two then quickly notice his surprised face and suddenly get closer.

"Oh, oh, exactly! Ichi-ni, please, be honest.." - Saburo whispered, looking at the kitchen where you were still cooking a big dinner.

"Don't lie to us now, okay?" - Jiro looked at him with a serious and concerned face that scared Ichiro even more.

"W.. what is it, guys?" - he also started whispering, a little bit nervous.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" - these two asked almost synchronously, when Ichiro started blushing uncontrollably.

"Huh?! Just what's wrong with you two?!" - he can't believe this is the first thing that he hears from his brothers.

"No, no, listen..! If you have one, then you should break up with her and marry S/o..! Please!!" - Jiro suddenly started screaming, too excited and you finally left the kitchen to meet Ichiro and to hear what they talked about.

"Hehe, haven't I told you not to tell such nonsense to your big brother?" - you chuckle a little and then look at Ichiro - "Welcome home. Sorry, I was a little busy with dinner but it's almost ready now.."

"H-hello and thank you, but.. Aren't you wearing one of my t-shirts right now??" - he looked closely at you and recognized one of his old clothes on you.

"Oh, is something wrong?" - you blush a little, looking at him confused - "Saburo told me I can wear them for a little.."

"Exactly.. Doesn't she look adorable in your clothes, Ichi-ni?" - Saburo's voice was so luring, almost like a demon's.

"And she's cooking so well..!" - Jiro added with a happy expression.

They both suddenly got closer to you and hugged you tightly, looking at Ichiro with puppy eyes, as if it would help.

"Well, well, you both should calm down, okay?" - you giggle softly, patting their heads, and then also look at Ichiro and notice that he blushes more, unable to look away.

For a moment his heart skipped a beat. The way you were standing here, in his clothes that was a little bit big for you, holding his brothers almost in a motherly way with such a kind gaze and soft smile.. Well, maybe it's even good that there was no one who could help him, as now he gets an opportunity to get to know you better.

"She's right, you two should calm down. Come one, we all need to wash our hands before everything gets cold..!" - Ichiro nods, taking his brothers with him to the bathroom. He will totally scold them here while you don't see this.

***

"Thank you very much, darling.." - Ichiro smiles, helping you clear the table after dinner - "Your cooking was great, as always.."

Saburo and Jiro were also here, jumping around and clinging both to you or to their big bro.

"Will we go to the park this weekend too?" - Jiro asks with a playful expression - "S/o~chan, I promise you to win this plushie in the shooting gallery and I will do that..!"

"Not with your low skills, huh." - Saburo scoff, taking clear glasses from you and wiping them with cloth.

"Okay, okay, hold on. No park this weekend, as I already planned a date with S/o, okay?" - Ichiro interrupted their little fight - "And don't give me that look, you both were asking me to marry her, now let me have some alone time with my wife, alright?"

"It's okay.." - you giggle and blush a little. It was still a little bit strange to be called "wife", but you really like it, as Ichiro always said it with such tenderness in his voice, your soul melts every time.

Ichiro gets closer and hugs you, his face so soft and his gaze so loving as he can't stop admiring your beauty. It was a few years ago when you two bond your lives together and swear allegiance to each other for the rest of your days, he still looks at you as if it was the first time he sees you, still with a little blush on his cheeks and sparkle in this sincere gaze.

"I have never been happier than with you, s/o.." - he whispers suddenly, kissing your forehead softly. You feel like the color of pink warms up on your cheeks too, as you look at him a little bit surprised but also so happy - "You're the one who makes my home feel like home.. I love you ♡"

[pechaberriesandsoju]

Okay, so since a couple of yall are interested in this, I'll go ahead and say a few things. I'll put it under a read more though caus ei might ramble.

First things first, for those who don't know, I'm an ex catholic. I was born and raised in a Mexican Roman Catholic household in the middle of Texas. So you can imagine the amount of religion I had in my life growing up. I stopped being religious sometime before I graduated high school because I went to a private school that was connected to a church. And I mean heavily connected. The church was right upstairs. We had Bible classes first thing in the morning, Thursdays were our fridays, but instead of Bible class, we had like a meeting/seminar type thing where they put us through praise and worship and then sat us down in a dark room playing videos on Christianity and how the end of times were coming and you better have your act together for the rapture type shit. Didn't help that it was grades pre k to 12th. Anyways, this was also one of those schools where the main teacher/principal was gradually turning it into a cult for Jesus. How do I know? Because the rules for the end of the school trips got more intense and crazy and she insisted that only Christianity the church's way was proper. She'd get pissed at me for bringing up anything Catholic or that she deemed "evil." A 3rd grade kid brought a pet snake to school before he was picked up early? That snake is the devil and should never be brought near people or be a pet. The two Mexican students in your class are talking about how they're going to celebrate and honor the memories of their passed on loved ones for the Day of The Dead? Time to lecture them about how it's evil and the equivalent of using an ouija board for an entire class period instead of teaching them math. A student is wearing something that was cleared before the school year started and that even you had complimented yourself until a video about how anything about the supernatural or isn't related to God like Star Wars or Ghostbusters is evil? It is time to accuse that student of taking advantage of the other main teacher's wellbeing to trick her into saying yes with zero proof and when the student had a few witnesses and accuse the student of trying to brew chaos into the school.

It's the last two that happened to me personally and had caused a lot of shit before I reached 12th grade. Mom wanted me to switch schools, but I was already so far in that I just graduated out of spite. Especially because I was one of the incognito gays at the school that actually had the gall to sit there and stare her back down when she tried to sniff people out for trying to get into relationships at school. (First off, ew, Secondly, I was dating my ex online at the time lmao.)

I stopped being religious because of how I've seen how the people around me treated others who were a different religion or religious background. But also because I was getting sick and tired of the fear mongering about the end times. Especially because coming out of 2012, I had gotten intense end of the world fear cause of that December 2012 "world is gonna end" shit that happened while I was at my first middle school. So you can imagine how all of that would wear me down over time sitting in that school listening to them tell little kids and students "oh be good and follow the Lord cause the world is gonna end but also you need to do your work and focus on your future too!"

It made zero sense to me after a while, and I just was like "why should i believe any of you if you keep telling us our future plans won't matter cause God is coming for us but we still need to plan for future education?" It made zero sense.

Plus with how I was figuring out my identity at the time, and I had to deal with a lot of "you don't need medication" for a lot of health issues, including my own mental illnesses. It just made me stop being religious.

I kinda think maybe there's something out there cause humans are complex but at the same time?? It's just complicated because it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth and reminds me of the trauma I've gained.

Anyways that's some Peach/Zilla lore for you and is totally not why I give a few of my inserts religious trauma as well.

[swaglet]

How did you make friends?

I'm kinda weird like you and I have aspergers and it's so hard for me to make friends and maintain friendships

UNDER DA CUT BECAUSE I STARTED YAPPING. THIS SHIT IS LONG. BUT I GOT U NONNIE

honestly i'm 100% with u on the "maintaining friendships" struggle... i love my friends sm but maintaining our relationship like hanging out regularly and having average conversations (idek what that means) has never come naturally to me and people worry i don't like them or that i'm ignoring them so i have to let them know that i just go MIA a lot and my favorite thing to do to communicate with people i like is to tell them about my day and then show them things i think are funny that i have on my phone. i always get the "i miss you we need to hang out more :(" from everybody so this summer i've really been working hard on making plans (even if it's just driving down to a cafe or a public beach at a dam and hanging out going for a walk) with my friends every so often and following thru with those plans. ever since i was little i have ALWAYS always struggled sooo hard with the maintenance part i wish i had more advice but honestly the best way i've found to mitigate that is sending them memes and things that make you think of them, and then every so often being like "do you want to go do this thing we like to do when we're both free" and stick with it. it can be completely free like just go drive around and go to walmart and touch the stuff on the shelves and laugh. this is the hardest part for me. i lose so many friends to my lack of maintaining friendships and seeming like i'm completely disinterested when i 100% am not and don't know how to appropriately ask people to hang out or do friend things (like. how often is normal, what activities are normal for friends, etc. but i try not to worry about it and just be myself). if anyone has better advice about this than me feel free to add on

for me i don't struggle as much with making friends as i do with keeping them, i can't tell if it's either me just ending up not clicking with someone after i get to know them better and we don't fit well so i drift away and keep them at acquaintance level, or if i do actually like them and am just kind of inept at remembering how & when to plan hangouts and how & when to communicate with friends in the proper way, but it's probably a mix of both for sure. to make friends i just go about my daily life and do whatever i would normally do, like go to class (which involves a lot of entomology and ecology stuff), go to rehearsal for band and theater and choir, and other stuff that i am passionate about and interested in.

the "DO STUFF YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT AND INTERESTED IN" has been a very important part for me because by just being in a place doing something i'm interested in, there is a high chance that other people who share my interests will also be there. my bug classes are full of people who like to go outside and run around in the grass with bug nets and catch & identify bugs. i actually met one of my best friends rn through my intro entomology & plant systematics classes that i was taking sophomore year and we are still friends to this day and after we both graduate we will both be working on a local restoration project together, because back then we bonded over our passion for natural habitat restoration & educating the public and we figured why not work together on that. most of my other friends come from being in band and choir because we spend a lot of time together (at least 8 hours per week every single day) and when you're in a band with like 30 people you all eventually talk to each other, especially if you're really good at what u play and ppl come to u asking for advice.

idk if this is cringe or not but another thing i do is like, i put little trinkets of things i like onto my bags. just on my lanyard, i have a bunch of things: a drumstick keychain charm, a ferret decal keychain charm, a pikachu figurine keychain charm, another mallet charm specifically for the steel drums i play that my hs director made for all of us. i sometimes have a pokemon card in my phone case and i also have stickers from The Last Of Us inside my phone case as well. and i have a bunch of stickers on my laptop and my water bottle and a bunch of pins and keychains on my bookbag as well of stuff that i like. people will come up to me or be sitting near me and say "hey, i really like that thing too!" or "what is that thing (steel drum mallet) on your keys?" and then it opens an opportunity for a somewhat easy conversation. i do this to people all the time; "hey i saw your butterfly pin on your bag, i think it's really cute! where did you get it?" and sometimes they just aren't interested in talking and that's ok but sometimes other people ARE interested and then you guys talk. one of my current best friends is someone i met in band camp; he was wearing a The Last Of Us shirt, it was his very first week on campus as a new freshman at our meet and greet bonfire, and he unfortunately had his blood sugar drop super low and he got really sick and had to sit down, so i sat down with him and made sure he was ok, and i always carry apple juice in my car and snacks in my bag like peanut butter crackers and gummies and stuff like that so i gave him some and we hung out and talked about his shirt while he sat and waited till he felt better. he also wanted to take his shoes off because he was really hot but didn't want to be weird so i was like "do it bro make yourself comfortabe, i'll take my shoes off with you if it makes you feel better" so then we were just sitting in the grass with our dawgs out. Bonding experience. anyways moral of the story is have things that you're interested in and ppl might ask u about them. i also go up and ask ppl about stuff because i am way too brave. also if someone is drawing i will be like "hey not to bother you but i saw that you were drawing! mind if i sit next to you and draw too or could i see?" this one is harder to execute i will not lie but i like being around other artists

going to college and doing as many activities and joining as many clubs as you can is like a cheat code to make friends. i'm sure it's even easier if you live on campus but i commute so i'm not around people 24/7 like my friends were. i met my bf and all my close friends through band, choir, or theater and we all have just stuck. even if you don't go to college, try to join a local event like a town theater club if you're interested in that or a book club or go to like axe throwing classes or sum shit that interests you, anything you can find in town that meets regularly and is a public thing where anyone can come to and it's about shared interests. i have no idea how to be friends with people if i don't share interests with them so having that common ground to start with is like a necessary step for me Always

i like to go bird watching with my friends a lot or go bug catching with them and we bring some stuff like watermelon and sandwiches and fruit and veggies to have a little picnic while we do. just chill little hangouts like that

Umm i hope this helped. i have never been very shy not even as a kid i've always been really loud and kind of obnoxious and very interested in what other people are doing since i've been very little and i get really bored and weird when i'm alone so sometimes i just go out of my way to talk to random people and over the years i've learned how they'll respond if they don't want to speak to me so i can either keep speaking if they're fine or say bye and walk away if they aren't interested. i kind of just do my own thang and people are charmed by me so they come up to me most of the time. i love to yap so i'll yap to whoever wants to listen and then we become friends. one of the things i do to people who i've recently become friends with is send them silly pictures of birds and be like "look at this weird looking bird picture i found" and if they aren't bothered by that then we can be good friends

another thing is that like, once you make friends with one or two people they will mention you to THEIR friends who also probably like similar things and then you can express interest in meeting them as well and all hanging out together. and then it's like. Free friends!

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

A Guy

Dear Future Husband,

It's been several months since I've heard from CousinAR, who is freshly back from seminary and getting ready to start college, but on Thursday she messaged to say hey and also ask about my shidduch resume and what I'm looking for. And then she and her mom CousinES called me to discuss.

Because it's about a guy.

I'm pretty sure it's not you though, for quite a few reasons.

Reason #1:

I don't think our families would be compatible.

He's apparently from a yeshivish family with like ten kids, they all do impressive things for work, and they grew up in a very fancy place.

Me? Not so much. To pretty much all of the above.

I think I wouldn't fit in well at all with his siblings.

And I've been an oddball for so much of my life that if/when I get married I want it to be with a family that feels like family.

Or with someone who has literally nothing to do with their family so it's just the two of us in our own happy little bubble.

Either one.

Reason #2:

He has the exact same name as the father of the family that lived. next door to me pretty much my entire first 28 years of life.

MrNextDoor is a very nice, chashuv person. But he's also kind of overbearing and inserts himself into situations where he's not always welcome. I guess social cues are just not his forte.

I will admit that his pushiness has been a benefit on some occasions, as he's been able to accomplish some amazing things including setting up schools, getting neighborhood ordinances followed, and one of my non-frum grandparents actually got a proper burial because he not only insisted on coming to the levaya despite it being an hour away, but also brought proper shovels and stood there in the hot sun with my brother filling in the grave before the bobcat could come and finish the job.

But I'm a weirdo who just can not see past the name.

In a hypothetical situation where we dated and he actually liked me and I liked him and we ended up getting married, there would never be a day in my life where I couldn't say his name and not think of MrNextDoor and it makes me so uncomfortable to even think about.

It's just too ew for me, even if he is a nice guy.

(because I'm a mess of a human, obviously)

Reason #3:

He's 5 years younger than me.

And in case we haven't covered this ground yet, I'm an agist.

Whenever I hear about an age gap, my first thoughts go to what that time disparity represents.

For one thing, it means that I graduated high school the year he was bar mitzvahed. Which is weird.

For another, it means that he's still in his 20s and I'm so "middle aged" already. lol

And in a lot of ways he's still very young, while I'm just so decidedly not. Not physically, not emotionally.

And that also leads into

Reason #4:

He doesn't have a full time job yet.

He's bounced around a bit in terms of work, trying to find a community where he feels comfortable, and jobs have understandably come along with that kind of moving.

But that also means he's not a settled person. And he's young, he has that option in life. But I'm an old curmudgeon and although we may be compatible in a lot of ways, I need someone who is more settled than I am to be the rock in the relationship.

Reason #5:

He's studying to become a mashgiyach.

Not a yeshivah mashgiyach, but a food mashgiyach.

You may be wondering why that's a reason not to marry someone, and for some people, maybe even a lot of people, that's not a problem.

But I grew up in a household that was built on the instability of a family "supported" by a mashgiyach.

For the first 10 years of my life my father was hardly ever around. He worked odd, long hours out of town and constantly hopped from job to job.

I don't know if things are different now, but at the time mashgiyach work was more like gig work than it was a real job.

In those first 10 years my father worked at 17 different places, but the last two years he was at one location, so it was more like 16 jobs in 8 years.

That's not stability.

And I know we're in galus.

I know we're not supposed to be comfortable.

I know that just because someone has a steady job now doesn't mean they will tomorrow.

And I know that everything is in Hashem's hands.

But I also know that you have to do hishtadlus.

And if you're doing the work of a shoeshine man on the side of a road where nobody walks, you're not going to become a millionaire through your work.

Unless you're a gadol. I'm sure we've all heard those stories.

But for the beinoni - for those of us in the middle, we have to at least attempt steady, stable work at a certain pay grade for Hashem to provide that kind of sustenance.

And I don't see that happening for me with a mashgiyach.

Considering how much the average cost of living is today in the US, generally. And considering how much higher the average cost of living is today in the frum world... I don't see the paycheck of a mashgiyach cutting it to provide for a family, with or without whatever I'm making to contribute.

Reason #6:

I just don't know how to broach the whole "I don't think I can have kids" thing with my cousins.

On the one hand, I don't want to put a stumbling block before the blind by going out and forming relationships with young guys who believe that's a possibility with me.

On the other hand, I know that everything is in Hashem's hands and I know a woman who was told she'd never have kids and went on to have like 15, so just because I think I might not be able to doesn't mean I won't at all.

But having children is his chiyuv, not mine. It should be his decision whether or not to pursue a relationship like that.

So do I not tell CousinAR and her mom, the two people in this equation that I know and trust, about the whole kids thing?

Does even talking about it make it an ayin hara and less likely to happen for me?

Do I keep allowing CousinAR and her mom to make shidduch suggestions for me, all the while keeping this huge secret and finding reason after reason to shut down their suggestions?

Reason #7:

I don't really find him all that attractive.

I know, I know, it's the whole shallow conversation all over again, but it's true.

And again, that's such a hard thing to say to someone who is so excited to make the suggestion in the first place.

"He's so nice! And I was listening to what he was looking for and I just kept thinking you fit all those boxes!"

I've explained that even if I don't think I'm the right person, I'm more than happy to chat with someone even once to see if maybe I know someone else for them.

But

Reason #8:

I'm still a mess of a human. I think we know this. It's been established. We continue to go over this again and again.

And it's sweet that my cousins don't recognize that about me.

But that also means I'm hiding it really well. Which is a problem.

But I think we've covered all of that before...

And so, here we are again.

A nice suggestion, but me lost in the middle just so unsure of how to say "thank you, but no thank you."

I can't be the only one that struggles with this, right?

-LivelyHeart

[griefabyss69]

also idk if this is allowed but i’m very intrigued by all three of the final three. take your pick or post all three if you wish to delight your audience triply:

more antagonism for the masses

natureboy

slapping is a sincere form of pleasure

This is totally allowed!!! A palm tree triple delight for everyone: I'm giving notes on two of them and then an excerpt from the last one! more antagonism for the masses:

This one is because I loved writing Acceptance and Negation (Steve loses a bet against his rival Eddie and has to become his foot stool etc) and the dynamic there was so good to me.

It's going to maybe be a little bit meaner but I'm still going to try to find the balance again, and also I'm hoping it's going to be a short and sweet one (not 18K lmao). I have ideas on what they're going to do but I'm not going to make a promise I might not keep!!!

natureboy: this idea hit me like a flash of lightning while writing something completely different (which is how like a quarter of my WIPs start). It's going to be about how Steve feels a pull towards nature that he's never really been allowed to explore due to needing to be a tidy little fancy rich boy. USUALLY I just have this background characterization of Steve being a former boy scout, but not in this one! I do touch on this idea very shortly in The Smell of Autumn, but that's an erotic microfic and this precedes that and will be waaay more in depth (and to be honest, it's me, probably erotic as well). I really think Steve would make a great outdoors kinda guy, he's got the kinesiological smarts and probably wouldn't even feel embarrassed about talking to trees like they're his journal. I just read what I have for this (under 300 words so far, I had the other fic to get back to!) and I like it a LOT. So whether this ends up being short or long I think it might be a Fave. slapping is a sincere form of pleasure:

This is another serious one! It's a Steve character study but from Eddie's POV, heavier on the kink than usual in a way (less like they stumble into sex that has bdsm elements and more like they go right into it knowing exactly what's going on). On the cover it'd be something like "Eddie enjoys slapping a lot" but it goes a lot deeper than that. Little excerpt from the beginning: (Contains: slapping ofc, kink, rated M)

While he can't say he's super familiar with the feeling of proper leather cuffs, he knows the stinging on his skin like the back of his hand.

How he got here is… not quite a mystery, he can piece it all together step-by-step, but it's one of those things he only believed was real once the first grounding hit had connected with him.

The mystery is all inside of Steve, carefully filed away until Eddie manages to find the right key for the right drawer to slide open. This particular drawer had been dense, and he's still not sure how he even got it open - weed and a witching-hour conversation already accounted for.

Steve's life between his graduation from high school and the Boat House Reunion is all blurry question mark, but all Steve says about his "Yeah, Eddie. I know what BDSM is. I can prove it." admission is that he's taking something back for himself.

And Eddie's desperate to know what it is, but earning access to that information will take a while. So he just enjoys what Steve's let him in on, becomes a collaborator in his previously private healing.

Steve's large, gorgeous hand cracks against Eddie's face again and he grunts - not yet at the point to give up his arbitrarily stubborn decision not to moan - enjoying the way his body's buzzing as his heart pumps faster.

[aroaceconfessions]

Hi! So I wanted to share my experience growing up and how it’s led me to realising I’m on the ace spec.

When I was younger I feel I was introduced to sexual things very early, but had no idea what it actually was. But in my teenage years (I find I don’t remember a lot about how I feel) all my friends where starting to date boys and it was a very big deal. I found I felt a weight that I also needed to be in a relationship, I needed a boyfriend just like my friends. So I got in a couple relationships they didn’t last very long and I always ended the relationship, I don’t know if I’d say I had a crush or if I was just hyper fixated. Now is a good time to note that I am also a helpless romantic, I love romance I think it’s so fun and sweet. Between all the little relationships I found I also had a couple small interactions with girls I’ve always kind of known that I was gay but have never felt the need to come out about it.

Now I’m gonna fast forward to high school, I had my first proper relationship I would say. I told one of my friends that I think I maybe have a crush and somehow everyone found out and so I just stuck with saying I had a crush on this guy. We ended up dating for nearly 3 years. I’m convinced that if I didn’t feel pressured to have sex I wouldn’t have done it at all. I always felt like I needed to do it and that I was preforming somewhat. I’ve never told anyone that and just typing this makes me want to cry. I broke up with him a year after graduating high school, and realised I’m definitely a lot gayer then I though I was lmao.

Fast forward to this year. I’ve started studying at a uni and For the first time in my life I have a group of friends that are all queer themselves. The terms asexual and aromantic did not exist until I met one of the people in my group. I feel almost straight away after meeting this one person we created a strong bond. I don’t know if I’d say it’s platonic or romantic, I try not to think to hard about lmao. But finally being introduced to those terms it’s made me realise that I’m on the ace spec. And I’m so great full to be apart of a community that is so accepting :))))))

Thank you if you read all this, you really didn’t need to love all of you guys!!! xxxxx

[eiseryn]

A Flower That Blooms in the Dark

Description: A collection of drabbles that hint at Lei Lani (OC)'s backstory and how she ended up in the slums as well as her first meeting with her current NPC friends. It also describes part of her journey into realizing what she wants to live for, and realizing that she dreams of loving and being loved.

Length: approx 6k words

TW: implied child abuse

[LEI - Dawn] 

“You’re such a disgrace to this family!” 

Pain flashed across Lei’s cheek. She held her hand gently against her stinging flesh and wondered if she’d had to buy more salve. Although she used to keep a fresh stock in her childhood, it had been a while since her mother had laid a hand on her. 

“Get out of my house! I never want to see you again!” 

Finally, Lei thought. Finally, I can finally be free of this. 

It had been so easy. So easy that she wondered why she hadn’t done something like that before. 

For as long as she remembered, Lei lived as a shadow. The black sheep of the family, the ugly duckling that grew up to be an ugly duck. She had tried to meet the expectations of her mother, but she was always failing, always falling short. 

Her mother had long given up on her and instead focussed her attention on her high-achieving older brothers. Her eldest brother was a well-established surgeon. Her second brother was her mother’s pride as he graduated early and even worked at Second Chance. Lei? Well, Lei was alive - her mother would dismiss those who asked about her, and continue to praise her brothers.  

Lei had stopped wondering why her mother seemed to dislike her in particular. Because the truth was simple: She never had a place in this home and never would. 

This was all just an excuse to stop keeping up with all the pretense. 

“Hey, did you hear about how they’re planning to send employees to the clinic in the slums? I heard they have vacancies for positions they need to fill.” Lei overheard her coworker saying one day. 

“Eh, really? Why are there suddenly so many vacancies?” Asked the coworker’s friend. 

“Oh you know, the slums are sketchy and dangerous! Must have been caught in the crossfire of a gang shoot out or maybe gotten stabbed.” 

“I guess we better work harder so we don’t end up there.” 

“For realsies! I heard Leon from the clinic already got sent last week for being late a few times!”

“Being late? Guess you’d better watch out!”

And then the pair finally left to do proper work instead of gossiping. But their conversation reminded Lei of a particular clause in their 50-page contract. 

Just arriving late for a few days. That’s all it took. Her supervisor was so disappointed, saying that it wasn’t like her to be late and that she showed so much promise. Lei felt a little guilty when her supervisor wrote a report to the higher ups pleading to reconsider Lei’s case with a list of all of Lei’s achievements, but of course it fell to deaf ears. 

Lei would be sent to Prism’s clinic in the slums. 

An alarm rang, which brought Lei out of her thoughts. 

Her mother huffed, fetching her phone off the counter, muttering about needing to go to work. “You’d better be out of here by the time I come back!” 

And with a slam of the door she was gone. 

Lei stood there for a few moments, considering leaving right after, but since there was no one home, it wouldn’t hurt to take one last look at the two-floor Uptown house she lived in for the majority of her life. After all, she wouldn’t be coming back. 

She lingered in the hallway for a long time. The centrepiece of the hallway was a family portrait, painted around when she was ten… or maybe she was twelve? She couldn’t quite remember something almost twenty years ago. She did vaguely remember the itchy, stiff material of her dress and glaring lights she had to stand under for hours. The painter even captured the slight, awkward distance she stood away from the rest of her family. 

She avoided her parents’ master bedroom as well as the rooms of her older brothers. Her eldest brother hadn’t lived here for a long time, but they hired maids to keep her second brother’s room clean. As for Lei’s room? 

She wiped a finger on her weathered desk and inspected the thick layer of dust that coated it. Likely no one had stepped in here since she had moved out three years ago. There wasn’t much to see. Her bed, her desk, a large bookshelf, her dresser, and closet with clothes that no longer quite fit. There was not one thing in this room that she wanted to take with her.

Refusing to give this Uptown mansion any more consideration, she closed the door behind her and left. 

The elevator ride down was relatively smooth and quick. She had never been there before, but to her surprise, the android manning the station didn’t even ask for what reason she was headed down. Perhaps it wasn’t so surprising, since who would ever want to be going down to the slums? 

Alone in the elevator with just two suitcases, a carry-on, and herself, she watched the  Uptown cityscape blur away. Although it was originally daytime, the more downward she went, the darker it became, until she was at the bottom where it felt like nighttime. Well perhaps not completely, since the holograms and neon advertisements from the corps plastered on the elevator towers were providing a lightsource. 

One taxi ride later, she found herself standing in front of 1418 Krystal street - an apartment building matching the countless others nearby. If she looked at it long enough, it may have resembled the one she had Downtown a little, although just less spacious and more rundown. Taking the elevator to the second floor, she took a deep breath and unlocked the door. 

Stepping inside she felt herself somewhat relieved she didn’t find it as bloody and grimy as she expected, only slightly dusty. It even came slightly furnished. There was a living room with a couch and coffee table and attached to it was a small balcony with a railing. There was a small kitchenette with a stove, a microwave, sink, and fridge. Then a bathroom, to Lei’s relief with an actual bathtub that she might treat herself to long scented soaks with. It was more rundown than her apartment Downtown, but still, she would make this place hers, maybe someday. 

She could close her eyes and imagine it: Some sheer curtains at the balcony window, a vanity with nice makeup products, her closet filled with pretty clothes, silky sheets on her Queen-sized bed. And perhaps, when she had saved up enough, a cute cat prowling the apartment like it was the king of its territory. 

I suppose this is my place now, she thought, but the emptiness of the room matched the emptiness in her heart. 

“I heard what happened.” Her eldest brother was saying on the phone. 

“...” 

“I’ll talk to Mother again. She’ll come around.” 

Lei scoffed.

“Don’t be like that, little sister. If you do good work for a few years, they might promote you back. I might be able to pull some strings then.” 

Yes, pulling a few strings would be the only way she might return to Downtown or Uptown but she couldn’t see herself going back. Not with what she had to do to come here in the first place. Nor with what she would have to deal with if she were to go back. 

“I have to go back to work now. I’ll call you later.” 

“Don’t bother, I’m changing my number-” Lei was saying, but her brother had already hung up. 

With a frown, she tossed the phone onto the couch and sank to the floor. 

A shopping trip. She sat up. That would definitely sweeten her sour mood. Her fridge was empty, which meant she would need to pick up some groceries anyways. She also needed a mattress unless she wanted to sleep on the floor. 

The first thing Lei purchased for her new home in the inner slums was not groceries or a mattress like she planned, but a robotic cat. She really shouldn’t have made the purchase - her demotion meant her paycheque would suffer, but she couldn’t help it with how empty her apartment felt. 

She might just walked by the store were it not for a memory that suddenly struck her. When her second brother got into Second Chance’s med school, they rewarded him with an actual kitten of biological and organic flesh. He would never let Lei get near it, since it was HIS possession that HE owned and Lei was too much beneath him to deserve touching HIS things, no matter how much she pleaded with him in the beginning. He never really saw the cat as a companion but rather as something to brag about and gloat over. Lei regretted never trying to sneak into his room and give it the attention it deserved, because within the year, the cat would slip out of the house, never to be seen again. 

So perhaps, Lei needed to buy the robotic cat to indulge that child within her. 

She named it Cillin. It was short for Penicillin. Perhaps it was a little silly to give a non-living thing a name, but it was her first companion in the slums. She didn’t quite realize it before, but all her “friends” in Middle were only work or school friends and without that as their tie, that they had nothing in common. 

There was only one friend she might miss, a girl by the name of Gigi she had met in med school. They had kept in contact occasionally, and even after both being hired by Prism, they occasionally got drinks together. But what would Lei say to Gigi now? There would be no benefit for Gigi to keep in contact with her, as they would no longer be working together. Lei hadn’t even told Gigi of her move to the slums. She’d probably hear of it and be glad to not associate with Lei anymore.  

Cillin was Lei’s first and only companion now.  An added bonus was that it had a cleaning function so she could have it clean the dust all day while she had long shifts in the clinic. It was also something to greet her when she came home. But it was merely a robot programmed to act like a cat. An imitation would never compare to the real thing. But until Lei was able to purchase and care for her own cat, Cillin kept her company. 

“And here’s the synthesis room. I’m sure you are already familiar with the equipment due to your prior experience. You’ll find that we unfortunately lack some of the spectroscopic machines that laboratories in the Middle have, so you’ll have to make-do with IR for product characterization. That shouldn’t be a problem considering we only make a few pharmaceuticals in house.” The supervisor, Dr. Yilin Yu, deadpanned. She had dark green streaks dyed into her black hair, but her tired face made her look older than what Lei thought she was. 

They had already gone through all the other rooms as part of the orientation process. Not that there were many rooms to go through: the storage room where they kept extra supplies, the operation room, the synthesis room, two patient care rooms, and of course the reception room with the front door Lei was instructed to exclusively use. 

“Whenever you come in for your shift or leave, you are only allowed to use the front door where the patients come in.” Dr. Yu had said. 

Lei wanted to ask what was in the back but bit her tongue. Her curiosity must have shown on her face because Dr. Yu went on to say that even she had no idea what was back there. Even her higher position hadn’t granted her clearance and there were very heavy metal doors that required an electronic pass. 

Dr. Yu began to head for the door, so Lei thought the tour was over, but Dr. Yu paused right before the glass doors and then turned around to face Lei. “You’re new here, so let me give you some more advice. Some of the rumours you may have heard are likely exaggerated, but you should absolutely stay away from gangs and not mess with any of the info brokers. And do make sure you’re not slacking off. Prism expects better from you.” 

“Of course.” Lei replied. In the end, she was another cog in the machine, a loyal dog slaving away for the corp that hired her. She was easily replaceable if they deemed her broken, but if she was lucky enough, maybe they would even toss her a bone.

[MEETING CERES - A Star in the Night] 

Behind the alley of Prism’s clinic in the inner slums, Lei lit up a cigarette. She watched the smoke curl up and away, into the ever-present night. 

“Smo-smoking isn’t good for you!” A soft, sweet voice said from Lei’s right.

Lei turned her head to look at a short woman — shorter than Lei herself — peering through her side swept bangs that concealed one of her eyes. Her large, golden doe-like eye seemed to glimmer in the darkness like a little star. 

Golden eyes… how unusual, thought Lei. But, instead of making her face strange, it drew attention to how pretty she was. Lei found herself staring longer at the lady than she’d anticipated. 

“It sure isn’t, and second hand smoke can be worse, so you’d best stay away.” Lei finally replied, taking another puff. 

But the woman didn’t move. Instead, Lei watched as she came closer, digging through her coat pockets. Now that the woman was closer to the dim lights by the door, Lei noticed the PRISM-issued doctor’s coat that the lady was wearing. 

For a brief moment, Lei felt dread dropping like a lead ball in her stomach. But, she was comforted by the fact that the lady before her was far too nervous to be in a position of high power. Or so she hoped. She really couldn’t risk another demotion so early on in her career in the slums. 

Finally, the lady held up a lollipop so brightly green it was practically oozing in artificial colouring. 

Lei raised an eyebrow, but pulled the cigarette away from her mouth. 

“Have this lollipop instead, please!” 

With a heavy sigh, Lei stubbed out the cigarette and tossed it into the nearby dumpster. She then took the candy, which was still held out stubbornly by the lady and began to suck on it. Much to her surprise, the taste was minty fresh and rather pleasant. It also began to erase away the taste of tobacco.

“I’m… I’m Dr. Ceres Solace.” The lady looked expectantly at Lei. 

“Dr. Lei Lani.” 

Silence fell like a veil between them. 

“I don’t usually smoke, you know. Just a bad habit from my university days.” For some reason Lei felt the urge to justify. “I know it’s not good for your health, so I’m trying to quit but… you know.” 

I’ve had a stressful day, Lei couldn’t bear to say aloud.

“You’re new here. I- I mean I haven’t seen you before, so you must be new.”

“That’s right, I'm the new synthesis specialist. How about you?�� Something about Dr. Solace was comforting. 

“I’ve been here for around a year now. I drive the ambulance.”

Someone as nervous as her behind the wheel? It was a little difficult for Lei to imagine. 

“Well it’s nice to meet you, Dr. Solace.” Lei bit into the lollipop to free up her hand and held it out for a shake.

“Y-you can call me Ceres when we’re off duty.” 

Lei couldn't help but smile, just a small one. “Alright, you can call me Lei then.” 

[LEI - INTERLUDE] 

Working days were long in the slums. Well, not that they weren’t long before, but Lei realized slowly that there was something extra soul-sucking about being in the slums. Perhaps it was because she found that the bloodstains on the streets were rarely cleaned since new ones would easily take their place, or maybe it was because they never got any sun and everyone was vitamin-D deficient. Perhaps it was the occasional gunshots, murders, and the fact that they lost patients more easily due to the lack of proper equipment. Whatever the reason, there was a lingering darkness in the air and any sensation of hope was snuffed out as quickly as a light switch being turned off. 

Did I really make the right choice in coming here? She sometimes wondered. What should I do now? What am I… truly living for? 

She found herself smoking more those days, much to Ceres’ dismay. 

But it was a lot easier to live aimlessly, than it was to aim to die. People worked so hard to survive and it felt disrespectful not to try, especially with the steel spoon she was born with and then wooden spoon she had now. 

Is living the same as simply surviving? 

Lei thought that was a great question to ask on nights she lay awake.

[MEETING ELISE - A Promise in the Dark]

Ceres proved to be very good company, like a warm ray of sunshine. Lei would occasionally make small talk with her other coworkers in the synthesis room, but some of the other doctors  — especially the patient care specialists  — could be snippy and unfriendly. 

But Ceres… She was so sweet and trusting, as if she couldn’t hurt a fly. Unlike the people in Uptown/Downtown who were always ready to backstab one and another for a promotion or to climb the corporate ladder, Lei couldn’t imagine Ceres ever doing something like that. Ceres was like the younger sister Lei never had, someone to dote on and care for, someone to nurture and protect. 

And she was so small and fragile, as if someone could just reach out and snap her neck. 

It was nice to spend time with someone pleasant during lunch breaks, or whenever Ceres wasn’t driving around doing her job. Lei had wondered why Ceres drove around so much,  but Prism apparently stocked some drugs at other stores in the slums. Lei could only assume that was a part of Ceres’ duties. 

Lei also found that despite Ceres’ shy personality, she really was a good driver. 

On receptionist duty one day, a patient came stumbling into the clinic and collapsed onto the floor, bleeding all over. Lei immediately ran over to inspect the patient, finding a large knife in a very vital area. With great effort not to cause further damage, she moved the patient into a wheeled cot, but remembered there was an operation going on at the moment. 

Lei ran for the synthesis room, where the supervisor was, and was breathless when she exclaimed, “Dr. Yu, we have an unconscious patient with an embedded knife and the operation room is being used.”

Dr. Yu breathed heavily, her glasses fogging with the mask she was wearing. “Call Dr. Solace and transfer the patient to Elise.” 

Elise? Lei wasn’t familiar with the actual person, but she had heard her name being murmured here and there. Usually good things were mentioned about her, and usually with a tone of disbelief.

Dr. Yu made the call for her, as Lei’s bloodied hands were occupied in stabilizing and applying pressure on the wound.

Within minutes, the Prism ambulance was pulling over in front of the clinic, and Lei could see Ceres’ determined eyes through the window. 

“Get in!” Ceres yelled.

Dr. Yu helped Lei wheel the cot in, and as soon as the back door was closed, Ceres hit the gas.

And Ceres drove well. She was going as fast as possible, but still managed to drive smoothly. Lei was impressed. 

“Elise is one of the best doctors I know here. The patient will be okay.” Ceres’ eyes met Lei’s for a brief moment through the front car mirror, but she returned her gaze to the road like a responsible driver.

Lei took a deep breath, reassured by Ceres and focussed her attention on the patient for the rest of the drive. 

Apparently Dr. Yu had called ahead, because there was someone waiting in front when Ceres stopped the ambulance. She was wearing a doctor’s coat with a stethoscope hung over her neck and there was a man in nursing scrubs beside her. 

That must be Elise, Lei thought while wheeling the cot to the doctor and nurse. Lei only needed one sentence to explain the situation before Elise simply nodded and told the nurse to prepare the patient for operation. 

“Don’t worry,” Elise said, “we’ll handle it.” 

Elise said it in such an assured way, so confident that all the worry in Lei melted away. And it was in Elise’s eyes too, the promise that she would save the patient’s life. 

“Please let me know how everything goes.” Lei said. 

“Of course.” Elise said and then strode away to do the operation.

Why are all these female doctors I’m meeting so attractive? Lei’s initial thoughts couldn’t help but escape. Is it some sort of requirement to be as hot as possible while working in the slums as a doctor?

Well, to be fair, if such a requirement truly existed, she knew she wouldn't have made the cut.

“Elise used to work at Second Chance,” whispered Ceres. “She quit and opened up a clinic here in the slums though.”

Why would she choose to do that? Lei couldn’t imagine her second brother or father doing that. Why give up the prestige and the money? 

Although, it was true Lei had done something similar and less impressive herself. Elise must have her reasons.

“How did you find Elise?” Ceres was playing with her hands as they walked back to the ambulance. 

“I like her. I’ve just met her but… I can already see that she’s highly skilled and cares for the wellbeing of her patients. And something about her just… you don’t see a lot of people like her.” 

With such drive in her eyes, Lei thought, to provide hope among all the hopelessness. 

“I-I see…” Ceres lowered her head. 

“But,” Lei found herself adding, “you’re still my favourite.”

Ceres lifted her head and gave Lei a bright smile. 

“Promise?”

“Promise.” 

[??? - ABANDONED KITTEN IN THE RAIN] 

On her way home after a long shift, Lei shivered as the wind blew the rain past the protection of her raincoat and umbrella and onto her legs. Sighing heavily, she imagined the long, hot bath she would soak in as soon as she got home. 

In the relentless rain everything in her sight was blurred into shapes, but she turned back when she noticed the lump in the alleyway wasn’t a trash bag but a small unconscious child. 

Coming closer, she saw a young boy, looking no older than fourteen, dressed in rags and bleeding from his side and his forehead. He was ice cold and soaked through. 

“A…ma…ya..” She leaned in to hear the child repeatedly whispering the same syllables, perhaps a name he was calling out. But there was no one else in the alley to respond.

The helpless child looked like an abandoned black kitten in the rain. In the slums, abandoned children were common, but a little less so around the inner slums. Lei wondered where this one had crawled from.

Her better judgment was telling her to walk away and forget about what she saw. Afterall, there were countless others just like the boy in front of her that would meet their end the same way. But he was just a small child, one who hadn’t asked to be born into this world. Even if Lei’s relationship with her family was estranged at best, they still raised her up to adulthood. Who would care for all the countless children if their parents couldn’t? She had been trained to save lives, if she couldn’t even do that… what was the point? 

Sighing, she placed down her umbrella to shield the boy and reached into her coat to access her doctor’s kit. With a sterile wipe, she cleaned the boy’s forehead and was relieved that it was only a shallow cut. She placed a waterproof bandage on it and he whimpered when she moved his arm to inspect the wound on his side. She cut around the rags that were sticking to his skin with the coagulated blood and was disheartened at how deep the wound was. 

She wouldn’t be able to treat that on the streets so easily. 

She fiddled with her medkit and pulled out a single pill: A regenerative stimulant from Second Chance. Exorbitantly expensive, but for good reason.  She had been saving it for emergencies, but if she used it on the boy, he would survive another night. 

“Child, wake up. If you want to survive long enough to see the morning, you need to eat this.” She pinched the boy’s cheeks. 

The boy groaned but opened a single dark eye at her and opened his mouth.

Wasting no time, Lei shoved the pill into the boy’s mouth. 

A single tear slid down the boy’s cheek as the wound began to close in and he opened both his eyes and sat up straighter.

“Why?” He whispered hoarsely.

She glanced at the rain, still pouring down hard and sighed as she shrugged off her coat and pressed it into the boy’s hands. 

“Children should be protected by adults. Now run along to some place safer.” 

She had to run home coatless. 

[MEETING VAIL - A Dreamer in the Mist] 

“Dr. Lani, could you come and take a look at this patient? He’s heavily injured…” 

Lei sighed, then corked and clamped her round bottom flask, quickly labeling it for later recrystallization. 

The new recruit, Dr. Melissa Balm, who was on receptionist duty for this night shift, was competent in synthesis, but she was nervous when providing patient treatment. 

“Alright, just give me a second to change my gloves.” Lei replied and Melissa went scampering off. Melissa reminded her of a nervous little puppy. Very cute, but the type to start shaking as soon as you approached her.

After ensuring her half-finished work was secure, Lei swapped her lab coat for a less contaminated one, and took the liberties to also change her gloves and mask too - safety for the patient was her number one priority, after all. 

She briskly walked to the patient care room - which didn’t take too long since the clinic wasn’t very large. It was so small that they didn’t even have a staff room for the sparse breaks they were allowed. This was one of the things she did miss about her former lab Downtown. 

The patient sitting on the examination table was a young man with short blue hair, wearing a bloodied up padded rain jacket and torn-up baggy pants. His brown eyes blinked at her slowly as she looked at him. 

She picked up the clipboard sitting on the desk and noticed there was no patient record attached. 

Melissa… Lei thought crossly. You had one job… 

“I’ll have to record a patient record for you before we start.” She would follow her clinic’s procedure, even if Melissa didn’t.

“Is that really necessary?” Lei could tell the patient was trying not to wince as he moved uneasily on the examination table. 

She peeked around the door, looking at the receptionist’s desk but Melissa was nowhere to be seen. 

“Just this once, then. But you’ll have to keep it our little secret.” Lei lowered her voice and placed a finger to her lips

He nodded, so Lei cleaned his wounds while giving them a general analysis. He would need some stitches for the gash running along his arm, so she injected him with lidocaine as a painkiller, trying to be as gentle as possible. 

“I’ll give you a prescription for antibiotics that you’ll need to take for a few days to ward off infection. Make sure to finish the round even if you’re feeling better. You can also pick up over the counter painkillers like ibuprofen for pain.” 

She waited for any signs of aggression, which she unfortunately had to deal with before, but the man simply nodded and paid his due. 

“Alright, all patched up. Take care now.”

And she thought she’d never see that patient ever again.

But then he returned the next week with injuries that were worse. 

“...” She looked at him, struggling to figure out what to say. 

“...” He looked back at her with an expression that could only be described as “neutral”. Or perhaps “unbothered” might be more fitting. 

“Back so soon?” 

“Looks like it.” 

“...Alright, I’ll have to make a patient record this time then. Name?” 

“Vail.” 

“Okay, Mr. Vail-”

“Just Vail is fine.”

After filling in the minimum, she began medical analysis and treatment. 

Usually silence was welcome to Lei. But Lei couldn’t help but be curious about a recurring patient. 

“I’m surprised you came back M- Vail.”

He blinked at her, before saying, “Your treatment was good.” 

“And yet you came back with more wounds.” Shit. Lei really shouldn’t have said that. Her interactions with her patients were fundamentally business transactions, after all. And yet… she didn’t like it when she saw people suffering.

“It comes with my line of work.” He said simply.

Must be a runner, Lei thought. She wasn’t very knowledgeable in the whole runner scheme, but she was aware of the runners that worked for info brokers, doing jobs that were most certainly illegal. Sometimes, her colleagues would gossip about the inner slum’s main info broker, Martial, and all the heists and assassinations they would complete. Lei tried not to pay too much attention to things like those, as many of them were wild rumours. Furthermore, she had no plans to stick her head where it didn’t belong. 

“It looks like you tore your stitches open.” She sighed. “I’ll have to sew you up again. Why don’t you tell me about a dream you’ve had recently?” 

It was meant to be a simple thing to distract him - a classic technique from the textbook. But Lei would learn that despite the quietness of the previous sessions she had with Vail, he was quite a rambler when provided the chance to talk.

“... And so that’s what I’ve been thinking about what my dreams mean. ”

“Uh huh.” Lei didn’t know how to tell Vail that the treatment was done as he hadn’t seemed to finish his long-winded speech yet. 

There was a knock on the door.

“Sorry Vail, it seems that I need to see another patient. Why don’t you tell me the rest next time?”

And that he did. 

And the time after.

And the time after that. 

Lei didn’t mind at all. She didn’t realize how few meaningful conversations she had with people who were not Ceres until she began listening to him. And she found out that he had a dream she shared: To be able to afford and care for a real cat. It felt like she had a comrade for something.

[LEI’S TRUE DREAM]

And so time passed.

Lei got used to working in the slums. She could always count on synthesis to reassure her that she had a place in this world. With her chemicals and formulas, she could create what was expected out of the procedure — a constant in the constantly changing world. She got used to keeping her head down, to running away from the sound of gunshots. Used to keeping her hand on the gun strapped to her side, and to ignoring the sneers and the aggression because she was a “corpo”. People were trying to survive and so was she.

And after these two years, she’d made her apartment in the slums a place of her own. She had opaque curtains on her balcony window, pretty clothes in her closet and makeup for her vanity, silky sheets on her bed, and her robotic cat, Cillin. But despite all the material things she purchased for her home, it still felt empty.

Something in her life was still missing. 

Some days she would come home, tired after a long shift, and there would be nothing to comfort her. Perhaps she should say that there was no one to comfort her.

Her shitty ex had explained it to her once. 

“Girls like you who have never been loved are so easy to score.” He had said. 

He was right, although it wasn’t nice to hear it after discovering another girl in bed with him.

Could someone ever love her? 

More importantly, could she ever love someone?

She had a dream one night. 

In her dream, natural sunshine casted a warm glow onto her skin. She rolled around in her silken sheets, in awe of the sunspots dancing on her forearm after spending so long in a darkened city. And then she heard a soft voice calling for her. 

When she turned her head, she saw a child peering up at her with green eyes just like hers. The child reached for her hand and held it gently with their small, soft, and warm hand.

“Mommy,” said the child, “let’s have breakfast.” 

Lei woke up. 

And sat up in her bed.

And wished that she could close her eyes and enjoy her beautiful dream longer. 

[LEI - Dusk]

Lei got as comfortable as she thought she would get working in the slums. There was an experimental treatment project they put her on that she didn’t like. They were certainly withholding a lot of information from her and the doctor she worked with was unfriendly at best. She supposed that once again, she was too low in the rankings to be given any clearance for more information, but she was certainly anticipating the day she wouldn’t need to work on it longer.

When she first came here, on an impulsive decision, she hadn’t quite thought it through. But now, she could say that she didn’t regret it. There were people in the slums she didn’t think she would have met if she hadn’t come here. People who inspired her to work harder and be better. People who made her want to become stronger to protect them. People who let her think that it was alright to dream. People who made her feel that there was good and hope in the world even in such a cold and unforgiving world. That this world was worth living in, if only so that she could continue to see those people and to see their dreams and aspirations come true.

Maybe, she thought to herself, maybe when this project is done I’ll start my own family.

“Did Ceres drive you here? You should really learn to drive better.” It was Elise, as she finally finished her overtime shift. Although all doctors worked hard, Elise worked too hard. So much that she had collapsed multiple times from overwork before. It was a true honour to be able to spend time with Elise on her rare nights off. 

They were at Lei’s favourite bar  — a cat-themed one named "Feline Fine" with robotic cats as well as the servers wearing cat maid and butler outfits. A true delight for all cat-lovers. They even had a bunch of drinks named after cat puns. Lei was on her third one, a “meow-jito”, which was her favourite drink in general. Was it her third one? She couldn’t remember. 

“Why would I need to learn how to drive better if I always have Ceres around~” Lei slurred. 

“Are you drunk already? I’ve just gotten here.” Elise said.

“Nooooo… I’m nooot druuunk at aaaaall!” 

Ceres shook her head. She was drinking a mocktail since she always had to be ready to drive. “Help me stop her, Elise! She won’t stop today!” 

And so Ceres and Elise fell into rapid conversation that Lei couldn’t quite keep up with. Lei’s head was fuzzy, and found herself resting her head on her forearm as she drifted in and out of the bar. She was warm and comfortable, lucky to be in the company of two gorgeous and amazing doctor friends. What more could someone like her want? Well, she supposed she did want something else… 

“Say, do either of you know anyone single? I’ve been wanting to settle down…” 

She couldn’t remember anything after that. 

Lei woke up with a headache pounding on her skull.

What the hell did I do last night? Thank goodness it’s my day off, she thought, groaning. She couldn’t remember anything up to a certain point. Maybe she should be glad about that since what she did remember was already embarrassing enough. She didn’t even know how she got home, but she assumed it was probably Ceres. She would need to thank her the next time she saw her. 

I’m too old for this, thought Lei, my university days of drinking until dawn are long over. 

She rolled off her bed with a groan, and went to remedy her hangover with a glass of water, ibuprofen, and food. By the time she stepped out of the shower, she was feeling almost completely functional. She was pleased when Cillin’s algorithm had it twining between her legs. 

She bent down to give Cillin’s synthetic fur a pat, but her phone began to ring insistently. With a sigh, she stepped over the robotic cat and frowned when she saw it was the clinic calling.

“Hello? Dr. Lani speaking.” 

“We need you in for something.” It was the cold voice of the clinic’s boss.

Lei felt a shiver down her spine and noticed her balcony door was slightly ajar. Had she smoked outside last night in her drunkenness and lacked the strength to fully close it? Her shivering must have been from a cold breeze that sneaked in, right? 

Knowing better not to argue, she swallowed and replied that she’d be there in 20 minutes. 

If she had known that would be her last morning in that apartment, she might have savoured her morning more. 

[BACKSTORY OF LEI: END] 

AUTHOR'S NOTES

If you've gotten this far, thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading my story about my OC, Lei, which is really just a collection of drabbles. I write in a slightly choppy style and hope that didn't throw you off too much!

So, what is the "Flower that Blooms in the Dark"? That refers to Lei herself. Lei's name is the Chinese character 蕾 meaning “bud” and she has a lot of flower motifs (see below). Before Lei's move to the slums, she lived aimlessly and didn't really know what she wanted to live for. The slums of Mertalline (the city she lives in) are artificially encapsulated by darkness because of the metal roads from the Middle class district (referred to Lei as Downtown/Uptown) that cover up the slums in the most bottom part of the city. But it is when Lei goes to the slums that she "blooms" because she starts to meet multiple people who become important to her, and she starts to find her raison d'être.

Because I love flower symbolism, the one that represents Lei is the moonflower (Datura genus and Ipomoea alba) which are flowers known to bloom in the dark. In flower symbolism, they mean "dreaming of love" which 110% describes Lei's state of being so well it kind of hurts. Interestingly, species of Datura are considered to be “witches’ weeds” due the fact they’re all highly poisonous and many are psychoactive as well. Other than being used as hallucinogens or poisons, some can be used in medicine which is great since Lei is a doctor.

In case it was not clear, Lei has a troubled relationship with her family. She has a very distant, neglectful father, an abusive mother, an older brother who seems to care for her but not the right ways, and a second older brother ("Second brother" as Lei calls him) who looks down on her/mocks her.

So perhaps, that is why she dreams to have a family of her own, like the ones she's heard about, one that actually cares for her and that she can care for as well. Her dream of "owning a real cat" (biological pets are $$$ in this world) is just what she views is a more attainable goal. In reality, she dreams of having children/being a mother (and a better mother than the one she got), but she also wants a partner for this because children are expensive and she thinks they deserve at least two parents.

Lei's low self-esteem really stems from her lack of physical attractiveness (which her mother would also comment on) as well as her mother's general scorn and attitude toward her. In university, Lei would go and try to dress up and wear makeup and etc and so she feels very "ugly" without this "armour".

And for her lovely NPC friends she met here, which are kind of her reason to live, let's leave some cool notes about them 'cause I put a lot of attention to detail in the writing that you might miss if you don't have the annotated notes version.

CERES: Lei's best friend in the slums. Because of Ceres' soft, shy, and sweet personality, Lei finds her very very cute and she wants to dote on Ceres a lot. To her, Ceres is like a glowing light in this darkness that Lei wants to protect from going out. The line "People who made her want to become stronger to protect them" in the story refers to Ceres (:3). Ceres also really likes mint lollipops, for some reason, so much that she has a charm on her phone that is a mint lollipop. They hang out outside of their shifts and have grown rather close (I love girl friendships 🥺🥺🥺 they don't always get portrayed well in media)

ELISE: A doctor Lei looks up to and thinks is the most pure and ideal doctor. Lei feels like Elise is too good for her to get close to (a little out of her league, but Lei thinks a lot of people are out of her league), but Lei would like to know Elise better. And perhaps, even help Elise not overwork herself. The line "People who inspired her to work harder and be better" from the story refers to Elise (:3).

VAIL: Someone who Lei met as a patient and she's a little surprised that they are friends who meet occasionally for drinks (?) (Disclaimer: ethically, this is bad. There is no excuse, this is just what happened). In theory, they shouldn't be that close, but Lei probably finds him a little cute XD (more on this later). The line "People who let her think that it was alright to dream" is referring to him, because I think he's a bit of a dreamer (which is surprising when there's so much hopelessness in this world). A cute thing in this story is that Vail blinks at her slowly, which is a thing cats do when they trust someone! (This is more of my catboy Vail agenda).

It's not relevant to the plot but Lei is very driversexual. I just think that's funny so I am adding that as a note.

And if you got to the end of these notes, thank you again! I appreciate you taking the time to read my writing ❤

[lilgooer]

My mom went through my room today. She hasn't mentioned it or anything but there is a million pieces of evidence that she did. The moment I stepped into my room after being at school today everything felt off, I sat down at my desk and I noticed that that the sliding door on end table next to my desk was slightly open. It wasn't open when I left for school. Then I look around and I find many other objects have been moved in my room, and that the way that my bed is made is slightly different from when I last saw it, and there's objects on my bed that weren't on it before, one of which is a kid cup that was in a bag that I hid a few of my age regression related items, you know stuff like my sippy cups and bottles. But do you want to know whats the kicker for me? My old phone was out, turned on, and somewhere else from where I previously had it. My mom attempted to go through my old phone, which we only just recently replaced with a new one that I thankfully take to school with me. Luckily I have a password on it, but it annoys me that my mom has such little trust in me when I've never gave her a proper reason not to.

The past few months have been rough, my mom had gotten a surgery recently and were one household member down now. I'm pretty sure its been more rough for her since she was the one who got the surgery. But she fully expects me to handle 10x the more weight and pressure than I had previously despite the fact that I'm not even graduated from high school yet, she expects me to be able to come to her every beck and call. She basically expects her kid who's not even out of high school yet to handle the responsibility of caring for her when her kid can barely find the motivation to clean her own room. And its really frustrating, which has lead to us having disagreements more than we did before; all of this stress has even caused me to emotionally clock out one day, and after my mom getting upset at me and leaving, caused me to have a emotional breakdown. And before she left she said that the way I'm acting is making her think to have me do a pee test, aka a drug test. Which I never had nor ever thought about having and never even gave my mom the idea that I would ever even try them. And yesterday me and my mom had another "argument" (I personally wouldn't call it that but its what my mom calls it) and now today I come home and see that she went through my room, probably thinking she'd find evidence of drugs or evidence of me speaking to people she has asked me to not speak to (aka her ex and my ex-step sister that has every issue under the sun).

She's right on the front that I'm hiding stuff from her, but she probably wasn't expecting to find what I was actually hiding. Aka, my regression gear. There's no way she hasn't seen it. She went through my bag that has my sippys and bottles in it, one of which was left on my bed. She clearly found my onesie, I had it in my closet but when I got home to was somewhere else entirely. And I'm guessing she's found my pacifiers, they're in a box in one of the cubbyholes of my bed's headboard, which is normally covered up by my mountains of pillows. But the pillow that was covering the cubbyhole this morning wasn't covering it, no, a different pillow was covering it. She barely even tried to hide the fact that she went through my room, she even forgot her grabber and left it upstairs. Also, I mentioned she had surgery, she decided that looking through my room was more important than following the rules that she was told by the doctor so she could properly heal from her surgery.

Now you may ask, why didn't you hide your stuff well enough, and all I can say is: I never expected her to go through my room, she's never gone through my room before. My stuff was hidden, but I didn't put a lot of effort in hiding them because I never thought my mom would go through my room, she's had issues for months before her surgery and even going up the stairs hurt her, I thought it was safe enough. But clearly it wasn't.

My mom hasn't said anything to me yet, not sure if she ever will. But I'm really upset about the fact that not only did she search my room, but she has the audacity to act like everything is normal and speaking to me like she didn't do anything when she knows that she did, and that she did a terrible job at hiding it.

[yanafiles]

high and a series of lows

Last Friday, May 17, was probably the best day in college. We became candidate for the search for best thesis and eventually awarded as best thesis presenter and our study as best thesis overall. But what I enjoyed most on that day was the waiting and the time I spent with my friends. It was a tiring day and yet so fulfilling.

Then came Saturday when I (almost not) showed up in the infographics competition between university publications. I was sure I won't make it to the top 3. And of course, I did not. But it was alright. I feel fine. I accepted the fact that I can't win all the time. I seldom do, honestly. I figured I don't have much luck on individual competitions, that is proven and tested for years now (Note to self: I feel proud of you for always trying).

Although I knew I have a very little chance of winning, I still push through in hopes of meeting someone. I often hear people suggesting to go out there and be active and that the university is a large dating pool blah blah blah. Nah, it didn't work out for me. The good news is that I do meet some good pals. Pals for an afternoon, never heard of them again.

I recently found a perfect theme song about my crush. My mom loves to turn on the FM radio for some music as we clean up the mess. That song caught my ears and would love to sing it in front of him if I only know how to sing.

I am sick since Sunday and as of this writing. It's as if my body knows when not to get sick because my body really shut down two days after polishing things in school. I've been piling up mountains of tissues ever since Monday, and just two days ago, cough got into me. That's why I was not able to write a proper story about the good news we got last week. Hopeful to feel better on the days to come.

Yesterday, we went on a meeting with a government official, in hopes to fund our proposed project. They would, but they asked for major revisions to our little brochure. Honestly, I wanted to cry at that moment because I pictured myself starting from scratch and conceptualizing all over again when I should be doing nothing na about school. I hated the idea of me in front of my laptop until 3 am, waking up only to do it again just to comply with their suggestions. It is so frustrating for me to deal with it because I am not so expert about it, I could barely squeeze my mind for creativity juices (also the reason I quit being part of the creatives team in my previous org).

My grades are complete btw. I am now waiting for graduation. Yet, I am not excited. Maybe because I would feel obliged to get a proper job with a decent salary. I don't know how and when. I also feel sad that my college days are coming to an end. I enjoyed it too me much that a part of me wishes to stay for a little while. But I do hope that this end will spark a good beginning for the next chapter of my life in the "real world."