#and being almost all the time the only disabled person my friends even know

[kurv4]

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[starqueensthings]

We need to talk about Echo (and by talk I mean screm). S3 E13 + 14 Spoilers!

FRIENDS, I'M GOING TO EXPLODE. I need to talk about Echo for a minute. We need to talk about Echo for a minute,  because he has spent the last two episodes in the absolute thralls of complete and total danger, and I personally don't feel like there's been enough of a celebratory uproar for me to be satisfied with the level of appreciation and love that man deserves. (Remember when Hunter ran face first into a colossal exhaust pipe and we all collectively lost our minds because it was so impressive and so sexy? Remember when Tech drove a speeder really fast through a tunnel and we all fainted? I'M A TECH GIRLY. IT WAS ME! I FAINTED!!) but, Y'ALL, Echo deserves that right now!! And for all eternity!!! Because he is wholly submurged in the harrowing potential of torture and execution, and he didn't even bat an eye to put himself there. My awe of him is all-consuming, so please forgive me if this rant reads as nothing but incoherent screaming. 

Echo haters (first of all, we can't be friends....) come on this journey with me! Let's back pedal to the beginning of the last episode (13). He stole an imperial shuttle. Let me repeat, he stole an imperial shuttle. And not just an attack shuttle. Not just a lil one-pilot transport. Bro somehow stole a Rho-class medical transport, which is very large, obscenely conspicuous, and very easily tracked. And, to use his own words, it was "the best he could do on short notice." The man stole a shuttle on short notice. ON SHORT NOTICE? HELLO, HOW DID HE DO THAT. WHY AIN'T WE LOSING OUR COOL ABOUT IT. 

Next stop on this I-love-Echo journey through my mind: not only did he provide his brothers transportation in the complete void of their own (RIP havoc bb), but he also came equipped with intel and clearance codes, and, as Rampart stated, those things change DAILY. Echo somehow procured top secret imperial clearance codes, and a fkn SHIP, within hours of the Batch requesting his help. Not to mention, the ship had yet to be reported missing (which means it was only-freshly commandeered), and the clearance codes worked. Of course they did. Echo never fails. Never doubt Echo. "Echo's on it."  

Choochoo, next stop! Once they arrived on that station orbiting Coruscant, and made their way to the control room (lookin sexy as heck in his armour-au-noir), he broke imperial encryption, hacked into the Imperial database, almost instantly found them the location of a ship departing for the prison that holds their daughter Tantiss, AND THEN DIDN'T EVEN HESITATE TO CLIMB ABOARD AND STOW AWAY.  

He didn't even remotely have a plan, or have time to make a plan. He didn't know who or what else would be on board that mysterious vessel. He didn't know where it was going other than the name of the fkn mountain (which has proven to be nothing but unhelpful thus far). He just ARC-troopered his way through that crowded hangar, dodging aggressive astromech's and inconsiderate loader droids, shirking from the perspective eyes of highly trained commandos, and snuck his way onto a heavily guarded, extremely unknown science vessel. Then, of course, he wasted no time, hacking into the ships control system (may I gently remind- there were at least three pilots and an officer prepping the ship for jump and closely watching all aspects of its controls), disabling the proximity sensors without being detected, and then seamlessly covered the troopers absence by pretending to be him (which we all know is what should have happened on Serenno but... hindsight is 20/20.)  

So... SO.... now we're at Episode 14. Here we at fkn terrified station because HULLO ECHO IS ALONE ON A SCIENCE DIVISION TRANSPORT; we have literally seen them carry around Zilo beasts in that shit. What the heck else could be on there that they don't know about? Literally anything. Because THEY KNEW NOTHING before attaching themselves to it. Echo knew NOTHING before sneaking onto that thing and creepin' around. Thank heck he didnt come across a fkn fresh wave of slither vines ok?  

NEXT, Echo shoots (not stuns- lol) a sassy fkn droid (they had it coming, not sorry), then another trooper. AND THEN discovered his only option for departing the ship once it enters atmosphere is going completely undercover, because (in true "we improvise everything" CF99 fashion that gives me heart burn just thinking about it), they had zero fkn plan to get off the ship. I will repeat: completely undercover. On Tantiss. COMPLETELY UNDERCOVER ON TANTISS. NO COMMS, NO BACK UP, NO RECON, NO PLAN, BARELY ANY GEAR, and I would just like to stress... no neuro brace. He left his neurobrace on that ship. Left it. LEFT IT AND TOOK A HAND INSTEAD. PLEASE FKN SEDATE ME.  

We can't leave this station yet... This I-love-Echo train needs to linger at this point for a sec because I think it's lost on some people how wild this is. Echo without his neurobrace is huge. It's a bigger deal than Echo without his armour. Armour is, in the grand scheme of things, inconsequential (one can find more- see Howzer). Echo's neurobrace is not armour, it's a computer and it's so so so crucial to how his mind processes information and events. Don't forget, the Technounion HIJACKED HIS BRAIN. They took every memory from him and manipulated it for their gain. Pruned it, tweaked it, blanched it, poached it, turned it into scrambled eggs, and then fkn ate it up and used it to defeat their enemies (Echo's family- I'm sobbing). They implanted him with an unfathomable amount of information; they changed the way the neurons in his brain fire in relation to stimuli. That neurobrace is so so critical for him. Now, we know he can operate well enough without it, we saw it in the last episode of the TBB arc in season 7 of Clone Wars, but... please.... to what extent? We don't know what an extended time without that neurobrace looks like for him... especially when all other aspects compliing his surroundings foreign, unknown, and dangerous, and that scares me.

AND NOW HE'S ABOUT TO RUN AMOK IN TANTISS with Emerie who, (I'm sorry) is wishy-washy as heck (who are you loyal to!!!!! What is your history!!! Are you trustworthy and what are you looking to gain!!!), trying to adopt a collection of Jedi children whove spent maker-knows how long playing space tetris, WHILST ALSO ATTEMPTING TO LOCATE AND ESCAPE WITH HIS BROTHERS UNDER THE EYE OF THE GALAXY'S SECOND MOST DANGEROUS MAN. 

So yes, short of d-d-d-di... can't say it... short of THE WORST CASE, Echo has made the ultimate sacrifice to save not only Omega who is literally the only person we've seen able to make him truly laugh, but all the clone brothers that he's been desperately trying to locate and rescue. His bravery and determination are literally unrivalled, and he did it while feasting on nothing but humble pie because that man wouldn't know arrogance if it danced naked under his perfect nose.  

Okay so welcome, we've finally pulled into I-Love-Echo station. Before departing the ride, please stand and do a hip hip hurray for the miracle that is Echo, including but not limited to, everything he's done, is doing, and is willing to do for other people. 

[your-absent-father]

Children in writing: my personal pet peeves

Okay, some might know that I work as an elementary school aid, done it on and off since I was 19, so I have the credits lol. Last december I even got my trade school papers for it. I preface this this way bwcause I have worked with shitton of kids, and will in a future. My background also means that I am very quick to notice when people don't interact with kids that much.

Even the savant syndrome kid is still a kid

One thing that annoys the hell out of me is when the 8 year old smart kid character acts like a 32 year old with all the emotional cababilities it entails. Yes, some kids have an higher intelligence, emotional or otherwise, but in the core of them, they are a kid. They get temper tantrums, they are in awe of new discoveries, they love to play in their own way.

For example, the class I'm in now, we have a kid I will call James. James is raised by his grandparents and it shows in everything he does. He is an old soul, always getting striaght As and almost helping the adults in conflicts. James also giggles as I race with him during recess, he sulks like a kid after not getting what he wanted and laughs really hard at fart jokes. He is 8 even if he has an emotional intelligence of an older kid.

Children are sponges, in bad and good

Speaking of James, he is a great example of children being sponges. This 8 year old, he uses terms like "gosh darn it" or "welp, it is what it is", terms I could see his farmer grandpa using. When he is stressed, he poses like a 73 year old looking at a broken tracktor. You can see his grandpa in him clearly.

I want to say it because a lot of people only write like "I am bad because my dad was bad" characters, even though it isn't that simple moat of the time, and children being sponges could be used in so many different ways, and not just bad.

Kids knowing big words doesn't always mean they are smart

This adds into the "kids are sponges" segment. Lot of kids, especially now, pick up different words, some very difficult, but they themselves don't know what they mean. Just today I had to explain what a dictator meant to a kid talking about North Korea. (That is an other thing too I like to add: kids try to explain with their own understandkng of the world what things they don't understand are)

Children's are adults in progress

Thus is a thing that peeves me the most of all, because a lot of people think children are thing entire different entity than adults. I like to explain it in videogame logic, like as a kid you are doing the first levels and progressing trough. You still the same character at the core of it, you just leveled up and got new tricks up your sleeve. Children are humans, they aren't that difficult to comprehend.

kids with disabilities have presonalities

Omg I am such a passionate person towards this, especially because I am specialized in special ed. It annoys me in no end when a special ed kid's presonality is "ehh they are disabled?". Every single special ed kid I have been with have different personalities and likes and dislikes, if they can't show it to you themselves. I don't think I have met two disabled kids (nor adults) with same personalities, even if they have exact same disability.

In the class I am in now, James's best friend is this kid named Jackie. I don't know Jackie's diagnosis but she can't walk straight, and uses multiple walking aids when her legs hurt too bad. She can't talk very well, struggling with her speak. Still, those things weren't the first thing I'd use to describe her. I'd describe her as a dramaqueen, always ready to complain about something, i'd describe her as a sporty, always running after her friends, even if she is much slower than others. I'd describe her as kindhearted, and clingy as she is always ready for a hug. Her disability is n intergal part of her but not everything.

I could complain about this all day. I have worked with kids and adults with disabilities and they have all been do different from each other (like able bodied people). Maybe another post lol.

Okay rant over.

Tldr: Chldren are humans too. Lol

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

I’M STUCK ON THIS FUCKING PLANET. I’M STUCK ON THIS GODDAMN EARTH.

Tap photo for better quality

That’s right!! I’m talking even more about sinner bodies because I’m CRAZY!!! RAAHHH!! 🤪 SHES SO CRAZY WE CANT TAKE HER ANYWHERE!! 😝 it’s 3 in the morning and I can’t stop thinking about this goddamn TV.

I think Vox is genuinely the most fucked up character in this rewrite currently. Not really morally fucked up, there’s definitely worse people, but physical alterations in hell out of the main cast he definitely has it the worst. In my last post I talked about how Angel formed in hell and I want to go back to this because Vox did not form in hell as a TV or even a robot at all. He got formed on the road after dying in a car crash and was literally just this fucked up clump of wires and metal panels and had gross little robot hands and he had to make everything else himself and wait for his body to adjust to it, so he literally cannot regenerate normally. He didn’t even have a face yet or screen of any kind, just a little camera to see out of. If his screen shatters he needs to get a new one or if his body breaks he needs to get it repaired, thats why he’s able to upgrade his body and stuff.

And like yeah some tech sinners do just form as robots but Vox just is a fucking mess and I think about it all the time and thats why his demon form is all fucked up like that and I think thats partially another reason he hates Alastor’s ideals so much sometimes because hes like “technology bad!” even though he literally is also partially a tech sinner and hes just stupid but like without technological advancements Vox literally would have nothing like they wouldn’t’ve met, Vox would not have a company, etc, etc and thatd probably help a lot of people yeah like the Vees would not fucking exist but ignoring that, just on a personal relationship scale I imagine your “friend” being like “man I really hate the thing that gives you life and allows you to live a somewhat normal existence” hurts a bit.

Technological regeneration is a bit more confusing and hard to explain than biological regeneration since machinery can’t really “heal” in real life. The concept sounds almost bewildering, like you can’t cut a wire and have it slowly heal like skin would, you’d need a whole new wire. But Vox internally, the things that allow him to move and live how he does now, it’s the only part of him that he can heal, and to him, it’s still “defective”.

Vox is disabled mentally and physically; he has Autism, ADHD, and epilepsy, all of which he is unable to be medicated for due to his new body. These are all things that he hates to acknowledge and will become irrationally upset by if they are mentioned to the point he will actively to deny certain aspects of disability. Being a man from the 1900’s-1950’s his views on mental disabilities and mental illnesses are… less than uh.. “acceptable” for today’s standards. He often disregards slurs towards this being called slurs and insists that “They used to just be words” or “It’s a medical diagnosis.” yet still gets incredibly upset when he is ever called a slur that actually could apply to him. In a way he tries to come off as purposely ableist so that he doesn’t have to confront this aspect of himself that he doesn’t understand. His knowledge in technology or sharks or economics aren’t “special interests” to him, they’re just “regular things a man likes”. He can’t process what a hyperfixation is. He doesn’t know that it’s normal for him to be unable to speak on occasion or that certain textures make him severely uncomfortable. These are either seen as weaknesses or “average people things”. Aside from how terribly disabled people were treated back around the 50’s, he views the neurodiverse aspect of his mind as something that only serves to further push him from grasping the feeling of regular humanity again.

For physical disabilities, he doesn’t lie or deny that he has epilepsy, yes he has an intense disdain for mentioning it, but for very few people he is close with he will disclose this information to them privately. There are a very select few people that are aware of this and two of those people are Velvette and Alastor. This post isn’t really about diving into Vox’s epilepsy so I’m keeping this concise because I have another post to put all of that in. Hope you all enjoy the wacky art :)

The binary says “Trust us” for anyone curious

[autismcatboy]

i hear the sunspot is a story about being human first, disabled second and a bl third. it doesnt flow like a bl and has very brief moments of romance because its not intended to be read/watched a romance.

the mangaka did not write it as a BL because she herself wasnt even familiar with it as a genre until after she started publishing. she was writing a story that just happens to also feature queer romance.

the live drama is not going to end with them getting together. its an adaption of just one series within the story and even at the most current series, they only barely got together.

the story is not unrealistic in how it handles communication (or lack thereof). its a lot easier to judge characters (and people in real life) when you think you have all the pieces, but the reality is we know very little about how others truly feel and when you have a lot going on and pulling you in different directions, its hard to know it yourself.

continued below the cut, spoiler free.

taichi and kohei are busy adults. between work/school, family and personal health, they dont have a lot of free time. many people dont have ways to contact friends they made in school because usually, you just see each other and dont think about exchanging contact information until later.

exchanging contact information is a bigger step to take in japan compared to places like the us. taichi uses a flip phone until hes pushed to get a smartphone after it breaks. data plans are expensive and many are selective about when and how they use them, and chatting apps like line are usually the main form of communication method. many people in the us dont like to give out their number or social media (which is also a feature of line) to people they know, like coworkers or classmates.

theres some pretty big assumptions about japanese culture and what its like to be a young adult by fans watching the drama that, in my opinion, just arent realistic. you're thinking like a bl fan and not like what people actually do in real life.

i hear the sunspot is a story about navigating the awkward, the hardships, fumbling and coming to terms with the things we may not like about ourselves. this isnt just about being disabled. able bodied, fully healthy people have things they dont like, push off and ignore. we see this in taichi, and how he continues to push that hes happy, nothing is wrong, he's just a big goofball and doesn't have anything below the surface and a lot of you have fallen for it.

relationships rarely go "we met, we fell in love, and now we are together and everything is perfect with only mild and entertaining drama." in fact id say they almost never do. people get scared to get close to other people, people dont think about if their feelings are romantic love or not when theyve never considered they might be gay. people get busy and distract themselves from addressing the things theyre not ready to look at and understand. all of these things happen much more often and often subconsciously, too.

people are mean and bullheaded when they feel like their comfort zone is threatened. people *run* when they feel like their status quo might change and they dont know what that will look like.

its easy to say someone is being ridiculous when you dont have their full story or dont stop to consider their circumstances. will it be different from how you'd react? absolutely. you lived a different life and had different experiences shape who you are.

but its equally as ridiculous to assume you know exactly how you'd react better than someone in their situation. no one is perfect, and definitely not 20 something year olds figuring out how to be adults after tough moments completely changed their childhoods. your early 20s, especially, is about thinking youre an adult and realizing just how little you know about adulthood. its easy to look back on when i was taichi and kohei's ages and say "oh there is a /lot/ that i fucked up with and couldve done better".

i hear the sunspot is about being human. the mistakes, the drama, the pain and the laughter. it happens to also have a gay love story but its not written to *be* a gay love story or even to be any love story in the first place.

if youre not willing to wait, and consider all the troubles that come before and during their relationship, this is not the story for you. save yourself the time, its got a long way to go. maybe come back in a few more years and see if the story resonates differently.

theyre not going to dive right into a relationship when they still barely know themselves.

[yannaryartside]

A revision of Claire’s “pushing” and who really benefits from it

A list of red flags I have been thinking about.

gif by @felixcarlucci

I was reading this post and reflecting on why it felt, like @brokenwinebox mentioned, that Carmy was always in the passenger seat in the relationship with Claire (physically and metaphorically); their post is amazing, by the way, talking about this concept of "pushing" and how it should be a mutual thing.

I want to go back to the party and the context of Carmy and Claire's past. All of it is enhanced by that interview with Molly we have been discussing.

My biggest question here is:

Why? Why the hell Claire "could tell" that Carmy wanted a relationship with her? They hadn't spoken in more than a decade, for real, wtf kind of signal did she see that he wanted to be with her? Does she think he has been in love with her all this time? Did she get that idea when she supposedly met Mickey? Because if she pursues Carmy, assuming he has feelings for her but only assuming this because of what other people told her, that is kinda fucked up. It all goes back to Fak being the one that tells her that Carmy loved her after all that shit he said while being stuck in the fridge. I swear to God that the more Molly says things favoring ClairexCarmy, the more red flags I see. Did Claire pursue Carmy knowing it would be a sure thing. "Oh yeah I remember you, you had the most obvious crush on me"

There is also the context of both of them growing up in the same spaces, Carmy very shy and Claire a very popular girl. Did she hear how lonely that was, which made her assume he was avoiding her because of a lack of social experience?

In their first phone call, she never let him explain if he was bussy, even after all that talk of her being supportive of the restaurant she said "don't make this weird," Claire was completely dismissing that Carmy was indeed doing something important to him; she never offered to work around both of their schedules, almost like she knew that if she "pushed" enough, she would get what she wanted.

And even that, their first date or hangout is not to a coffee place, maybe a restaurant with Claire actually interested in Carmy's profession and passion, or any other place they could get to actually know each other after, I repeat, a decade of not seeing each other. She brought him to a party.

She knows the Berzattos and how gatering will go on their avail, she knows Michael will set things on fire, she knows he comes from a family of addicts, and she knows carmy had difficulties on social environments (we can assume by the pictures they had around, taht Carmy attended to her birthday party and other stuff surely).

So why the fuck, on their first "date," not only does she insist on going to a party, but she tells him that he "owns her" to go there? Where there is alcohol and other people that he may felt rejected for as a kid? She knows this is a scenario that may cause him anxiety or discomfort, and she insists he must go. Maybe I am projecting a little bit here, since I am autistic, and at some point in all my friendships or relationships, I have to have a conversation about places that, because of my disability, I don't enjoy.

(little note aside: the excuse "my friend needs me" to convince him to go was utterly pathetic. Almost as much as "you own me.")

But what does this mean coming from Claire in the "pushing" thing? Does she feel she can push him to become (kinda by force) the person that will hang out in the same places as she does, assuming that is still what he wants?

She also knows that he probably felt cast aside from social events because of his shyness, and she invites him to provide all the things that may cause her to look like his only anchor in this stressful scenario.

She brought him the soft drink, tried to tell other people what a cool job he has, and told him what to do to comfort and upset a friend of hers. It felt like she was walking him on a tutorial on "how to be normal," and I didn't like that at all. Again, I may be projecting here, but the dynamic was kind of hollow regardless.

It is not like it is bad for Carmen to socialize and whatever. But she removed his agency completely; it feels like manipulation on many levels because she has perceived a lot of his struggle in this area; she also ignored his first reaction to going to the party and flipped her way. Carmy ended up trapped with a lot of immature young adults with whom he definitely has nothing in common. There was no space for actual empathy or connection to him to "come out of his shell." His conversations with Sydney are so natural because of this; there is connection and mutual respect, and he was very out of his shell with her.

The Pushing between Carmy and Syd this next season will likely be in a professional context but also rooted in a (future) agreement on mutual collaboration. But my feelings about this are not only for sydcarmy.

The "pushing" in ClairexCarmy was always in the context of Claire getting what she wanted and Carmy having to force himself to make it happen. There was no discussion, no middle ground, not even a recognition of why certain things have been difficult for you in the past; it is not an actual intention of helping to heal, but an expectation of the other to go your way "because they want you/love you. Claire is sure that only because of her will he want to change, and she will gain his heart by providing the scenario for all these things Carmy desperately wanted as a kid. I am sorry, Storer, if this is the love story you want to sell us, a salvation of all lonely/hurt people, I am very sorry, I hate it with all my heart.

[justapigeonn]

the thing i don't understand when ppl try to defend gray wing's constant bootlicking of clear sky is they'll always bring up the argument 'well DUH they're BROTHERS gray wing would never want to believe that clear sky's a bad person!!' but that entire argument goes out the window when you make them remember that gray wing literally threw hands with clear sky upon discovering he'd exiled their younger brother jagged peak after breaking his leg.

gray wing travels to clear sky's camp to confront him PERSONALLY and when clear sky outright admits that he cast out jagged peak because he was 'weak' and 'no longer useful' to him or the group because of his disability, gray wing's first thought is to get PHYSICALLY VIOLENT with clear sky because he understands how fucked up and selfish his mindset is - and this is only book 1 mind you. he KNOWS that clear sky is willing to abandon those less physically capable than him out of his own selfish interest and physically fights him over it and is still understandably seething over it when he gets home and then we proceed to never reeeally see that side of him towards clear sky again (until one notable scene we'll get to later) even as clear sky gets progressively worse and more violent.

this bit has been discussed time and time again but for the sake of expanding my point - later on in the books when the moor cats come across bumble on the verge of death, gray wing himself and the others hear clear sky sheepishly admit from his own mouth that after finding her alone on his territory starving and desperate, he beat her to the point that she fell unconscious and he left her to her own devices

clear sky severely downplays the situation and claims to only have given her a 'cuff to the ear' but because we've already witnessed him murdering a mother cat over a simple territorial dispute first hand through the eyes of thunder, the likeliness of this being a lie is almost absolute. and what can gray wing do all while bumble is bleeding to death on the ground and turtle tail mourns her? he worries about how clear sky's reputation might be tarnished in the eyes of the moor cats :( as if that wasn't already the case after his wrongful exile of jagged peak and his unnecessarily aggressive and territorial behaviour. all of a sudden keeping clear sky's name squeaky clean is of the utmost importance to him despite him not really caring about about that at all in the previous book and merely standing up for what was right and giving his brother the piece of mind he deserved.

but ok, what happens when gray wing witnesses clear sky murder a cat with his very own eyes? - not just any cat mind you, but an old tribemate and beloved friend/ally of gray wing. surely he'd believe it and act accordingly right?? yeah!.....

....for roughly 5 minutes. even CLEAR SKY HIMSELF appears shocked

later on in the early chapters of the blazing star it's only reinforced

but yeah while that's all the text i can be bothered to sieve through right now, all in all gray wing had like 2 notable moments standing up to clear sky before resorting to being a spineless apologist for him. we KNOW he is capable of standing up to him and gray wing KNOWS what clear sky is capable of and what he's done but then he switches gears for little known reason. there's compassion and then there's sheer stupidity and gray wing repeatedly displays the latter.

i have no problem with gray wing still retaining some level of nostalgia and love towards clear because at the end of the day, yes, they are brothers they grew up together and were at one point exceptionally close, but that doesn't leave him any right to downplay the god awful things he did and protest when others are rightfully hateful towards clear sky.

anyways stan thunder idk why the fandom was always so adamant about casting him to the side and cultivating a rivalry between the two brothers when thunder was always a far superior foil to clear sky in every conceivable way

also p.s. please don't let me stop you from liking gray wing if you want to this is sheerly an over the top rebuttal to a common argument i see used to defend the author's poor writing choices

peace and love ✌️💞

[connorjared]

there are so many things I could say and back up with my annotations but there are some things I want to say

- connor is an unreliable narrator, but in an interesting way. unlike evan, connor's text is purposely written like he's trying to seem WORSE than he is. that's why I think rereading the book as an adult (especially if you have worked with kids) is so incredibly tragic. it's easier to see every way he was utterly failed both personally and systemically when you are no longer the child being failed personally and systemically

- connor is canonically a victim of the troubled teen industry and says it was BETTER than rehab. this genuinely breaks my heart because you can catch little pieces of CPTSD throughout his text and dialogue—he becomes extremely defensive and assumes evan is "tricking him into looking crazy," he states relief there's no longer anyone "waiting around the corner to catch him or check for red in his eyes" this child was treated like a criminal and the one place he felt safe in was removed when he chose to take the blame for something that he didn't do (see below)

- connor taking the fall for his... situationshipfriend miguel because he knew his parents were rich enough and he was white enough to get a more lenient punishment for WEED (which. the criminalization of that and the stigma is a whole OTHER thing) this haunts me. the act itself is noble, unhealthily self sacrificing, but that's not what gets me. his proclaimed friend not only allows him to do this, but even after connor GOES TO REHAB FOR HIM miguel doesn't tell his own mom the truth, causing her to ban the two of them hanging out and connor LOSES his only safe space right after undergoing rehab that he never even needed

- connor canonically has been put on and off multiple medications , we unfortunately don't know when this started but we DO know it was not in his control. SSRIs take a long time to work and shouldn't be switched quickly even for adults, let alone teenagers, and they ESPECIALLY should not be used as stand-ins for accommodations of a disability. there's far more I could say about other medications this might have been such as an SNRI (which connor has said to have less than favorable opinions of) and this is possibly even MORE concerning

- there has been a BUZZ on tiktok about how zoe was a girl icon for being forced to mourn her "abusive brother" and while they definitely had a toxic sibling dynamic fed by their toxic parental dynamic, the idea the toxicity was one sided is just... wrong. not even subjectively, the narrative WANTS you to know this is wrong, at least in the book. the musical... lets just say, im glad they wrote the book. it doesn't undo the honestly pretty shit messaging of the musical, but it adds context that helps derail claims like the one above that add further stigma to victims of suicide. zoe is verbally degrading to connor in recollections and in the small amount of time we hear her speak about him (though, this does change as her character develops throughout the book and she begins to mourn him properly.) zoe is a glass child. she resents all of the negative attention connor received because she didn't get any attention at all. so, she often sides with larry through the book, who is said to have more or less gotten tired of connor and considered him attention seeking, which would be something INCREDIBLY validating for a glass child to hear. zoe is, unfortunately and ironically, often written with detail but no substance. evan, who I could talk about at length and very angrily, constantly prattles small things he notices about her—but, and im not sure if this is the author's intention or not, she barely gets any true characterization outside of her interactions with others, which strangely almost makes her a side character (which i suppose she is) but there are some core parts of HER identity and her character alone that can be picked up throughout the book and i could go on for hours about that and i will not now but i will

- i didn't even touch on cynthia and larry and their abuse (yes! people can love their children and be abusive) but by god i will. by god

dear evan hansen fandom please interact. if u disagree i will probably point an autism beam at you in the form of a personally crafted video essay on why I am right and you are wrong. I have read this book inside and out

[dailygtwscar]

[248 - ARTIST SUPPORT 🧡]

It's Disability Pride Month!

If you're a disabled artist of any kind, please promote yourselves in my submissions!! I'll queue up everything till the end of the month. (I don't know how artists supports work here or if they're even a thing at all but !!!!!!!!!)

(rules are: no nsfw, no AI-generated images, no NFTs, tag your tweet with the proper warnings)

Also, here's some stuff I'd like to get off my chest (long text post ahead).

First of all, I wanna i want to mention something about how I draw Scar. I know I haven't been the best at drawing him with mobility aids. I'm still trying to get better at it. Scar himself has seen some of my posts & has never really said anything about how I draw him, but I personally don't think that's a valid excuse for me to only occasionally draw him with mobility aids. I apologize, and I will try my best to draw him with mobility aids more often now.

Another thing I wanna talk about is the reason I couldn't make a disability pride post earlier than I intended (which is honestly just me venting but it'll give a bit of context on my sporadic posting schedule). I was really anxious about it because of the internalized ableism / impostor syndrome I've been dealing with for the past year or so. I have an anxiety disorder and I am also neurodivergent. Somehow, it didn't feel right calling myself disabled even though it has made it almost impossible for me to get through highschool, have dropped out of college because of how severe my anxiety got, how rsd has kicked my butt since I was little, how it's so hard for me to read social cues and make friends, how my terrible memory has caused me forget the most simple & important things (and it has gotten me in trouble so many times), how most of the people in my life were ableist towards me, etc, and just overall how made it difficult for me to be a "normal" human in society. All because I've convinced myself that "it's not that bad" (spoiler alert, it is).

Even now, I still feel iffy calling myself disabled despite being diagnosed for nearly three years now. I felt like I didn't have the right to talk about anything related to disability because mine isn't physical. At the end of the day, I'm still disabled. I know it's not a bad thing. It's just very difficult. So please be patient with me, with both art and me in general. I'm really trying my hardest here.

[were--ralph]

oversharing vent time

im literally the only person in this house with a job and i can't afford to find another one right now because I'm the -only- one with a job and i don't have the luxury of not having health insurance or income at all. because of that i can't buy things i want besides the occasional furry commission once every month if that

its also like. my brother is a complete deadbeat and legally we can't put him out so he's just a cancer on this household and mooches money while I essentially take care of two disabled people, him, and his kids who are here every fucking day because their mother is a shit

then like aside from that I have to work at a place that literally makes me want to kms like actually literally daily and It's draining me so much the only real shot i have of working in an industry i enjoy im too tired to do homework or stream when i get home and i take a nap and wake up with only a few hours before i do it all over again. being at work has become an actual struggle to finish one shift to the point I often leave early and just....don't care if i get fired or what the fuck happens

then aside from all that school is the absolute worst experience ive had in my life with learning new skills and everyone has seen me talk about it but i can't learn anything from it and im too exhausted and depressed when i get home to find a way to learn on my own

then aside from all that I'm constantly plagued with lonely thoughts and not even due to like wanting sex or even romantic stuff i just need an outlet to feel normal and good and not stressed and my therapist is no help literally at all so i dropped her so I really can't do like anything at all

then the closest family member ive cared for in my life cut me off abruptly with no explanation and im still reeling over that

i genuinely like. do not enjoy being alive in the sense that pretty much every aspect of my life right now sucks. I have no escape, I have no money, I am exhausted daily, I'm depressed daily, I'm overworked, all i have are my three cats who I don't even have the time or energy to play with anymore, i keep cutting off my friends because.....i dont even know anymore

I almost want to just quit my job and not have any income just to make people have to do things and let myself just.......exist. just exist.

i just needed to vent to the void and i feel much better now but still not good

[ghostsandfools]

Gemini is so neurodivergent I don't know how nobody's talking about it.

OKAY, strap in, this one's gonna be long, and it's gonna be ranty, and I'm going to do it anyways.

Gemini is probably my favorite character... EVER. They are so perfect, I love them so much, I will die on this hill. They are the one constant for me. In this crazy, overly controversial fandom, in this crazy, overly controversial world, we all have one thing we can count on: Gemini. AND THEY GET SO LITTLE SCREENTIME! But that's not why I'm here.

So, almost everyone in TSBS has signs of some sort of mental illness or neurodivergency. This is not new. But I really wanna get into it with Gemini because I feel like nobody cares enough about them!

So, I'm going to split this up into parts. One for Pollux, one for Castor, and one for Gemini. Just to make it easier. LET'S GO!

Pollux:

So, Pollux. The first signs start to show with her when she was first introduced. She's hyper, she's unfocused, she's friendly, she's all over the place. These are very stereotypical, very basic signs of ADHD. HOWEVER, I actually DON'T think she has ADHD. I think she's just hyper sometimes. ADHD is much more that just being a little off the walls, it's a genuine disability that makes it difficult to focus or remember things, and I feel like if you dig deeper, that's not what's going on with her.

I do think that she's neurodivergent, however, in some capacity. Probably autism. I think her and Castor both have autism actually, but I'll get in to him later.

First of all, hyperactivity can also be a sign of autism. And while, when she first comes to Earth it seems as though she can't focus on any specific thing, I think that's because she's focused on Earth as a whole, explaining her interest in anything on Earth. I think learning about and exploring Earth might be one of her special interests, or maybe just exploring planets in general.

Now, the next point might just be due to technical issues, but maybe not. Pollux and Castor both have pretty blank faces, and don't have very many emotes. It may have just been a problem with their 3d modelling, so not the strongest point, but neurodivergent people and people on the spectrum often have difficulty with facial expressions, something I've also struggled with.

Pollux definitely has less neurodivergent coding than Castor does, but I think it's still there.

Castor:

Castor. I don't even know where to start with him.

When Castor was first introduced, he was very unexpressive and monotone, already a symptom of neurodivergency.

He also struggles socially, more so than Pollux. While Pollux was over-bearing, she had no trouble making friends once the chance arose. Castor, on the other hand, was perceived by most of the main cast as "creepy" or "rude", which hits closer to home than I want to admit.

But, over time, it becomes clearer and clearer that he only wants what's best. He doesn't intend to be terse, or rude, or weird, he's just never interacted with anyone that wasn't a star before.

Pollux seemed to adjust well to the environment on Earth once she learned more about the people there, but it seems Castor struggled a lot more with adapting in a new environment.

Castor is also a very private person. He has hobbies and emotions and thoughts, but he keeps them all to himself. Of course, after a while of spending time with Lunar, he starts to speak his mind more, which eventually led up to the last episode we saw him in where he yelled at Lunar for killing Eclipse. Still, I find it interesting that it took an extreme situation like that for him to finally speak his mind.

Gemini:

Gemini <3

Pollux and Castor work extraordinarily well together. They are THE siblings of all time, I love them.

I'm going to delve into headcanons for a minute here, but I feel like the other astrals don't like them very much. We never hear Gemini really talk about the other astrals, aside from basic details.

I feel like, after living with people for your entire life, your SIBLINGS, and those being the ONLY people you interacted with, you'd have some fond memories of them.

But they don't. And even now, there's tension between Gemini and the rest of the astrals. They clearly stand out. The other astrals seem to not take them seriously, and don't exactly listen to them. I feel like, from that recent scene from Taurus, maybe the other astrals, at least some of them, actively DISLIKE Gemini.

This may be why they're so unused to socially interacting on Earth. They probably spent very little time with their siblings, especially considering Nebula's existence. Maybe their siblings didn't visit them at all. That thought makes me sad.

Feeling outcasted is commonplace for neurodivergent people, as well as being perceived wrong.

Closing thoughts: Okay, I might be projecting here. I'm not sure. As someone who is neurodivergent, I identify with Gemini harder than any other fictional character. They're so special. I don't know if I'm picking up on subtext that isn't there, but if you have any thoughts, please share. I wanna know what you guys think.

[lavender-bundle-blithe]

Modern!BSD but...

Atsushi, a criminally underrated fashion designer with his sketches more or less being taken off the internet and reused by the more greedy designers. And his muse, a model and internet sensation, and what seems to be the only outsider that sees through the bulls--t, Akutagawa. The same muse that inspired Atsushi to start designing in the first place. And mutually, the same designer that Akutagawa has followed since the very beginning.

Burnt out and, rightfully, done with the world, Atsushi is left with little to no will of himself. He hasn't been able to sketch outfits nor touched his sewing machine that it could practically collect dust. And while laying on bed, watching his designs being thrown around for what feels like the nth time that week, Atsushi impulsively decided on going on a trip, disabling his account temporarily and taking a step back from media. That impulsive decision landed him back in his hometown, to visit his sister and reunite with his previous roommates and roommates. Meanwhile, Akutagawa finds himself getting dragged along by his sister and her friends to what could be explained as an isolated village. But the insist on visiting for the weekend at the very least. His schedule was free, so they jumped at the opportunity regardless.

And in all honesty, this trip was all that Atsushi needed. To take in the fresh air, see how much (or how little) his hometown has changed, hanging out with friends, and especially the village cats that took a liking to him almost instantly. Maybe the village cats Atsushi remembered as a kid has told its kids about him and it just continued one with its several generations. Coincidentally, that's how he comes face to face with his muse, Atsushi pausing his sketching to pet some cats while Akutagawa peering over his shoulder, at first intently staring at the cats, but then noticing and recognizing the outfit sketches in the sketchbook.

Obviously, that encounter spooked both of them at their personal revelations about the other that Atsushi all but scrambled off back to his current stay, unfortunately leaving behind his sketchbook. And obviously, the companions of both ushered them to talk to each other. So after bumping into each other in the same place, with Akutagawa the one petting the cats, they start talking. And kept talking. If anything, Akutagawa's entire weekend was just him getting to know this faceless designer he has admired for quite a while.

By the end of the weekend and Akutagawa having to catch the train back home, Atsushi catches him in time to give him something; his most recent sketches that was inspired by this trip. Specifically: his time with Akutagawa. His previous sketches, Atsushi has only ever seen Akutagawa through a screen. But meeting him in person, Akutagawa was an entirely unique person. And for Akutagawa, this designer has always been faceless, only showing off their most recent sketches and getting angry over the fact that it was just being taken. And by GOD he's pretty.

It came to no surprise from either party that they developed a crush even as they continued talking and messaging each other. And when Akutagawa was given an invitation to some sort of awards ceremony with a theme, he goes right to Atsushi.

(tbh that was a weak ending on my end =~="" | My brain was slowly but surely failing on me towards the end, but hopefully my vision still went through and I could understand it later when I come back to this)

[your-local-crypt1d]

followed you simply for empires ctommy. I don’t even like empires but ctommy is my everything,,, any spare bits rattling around in that brain of yours

I have so many THOUGHTS about this dude you have no idea. Also, I do recommend watching Empires not because it's super similar to the dsmp but because it has its own disc war and Jimmy Solidarity is like Tommy but in a different font. Anyway,

My favourite idea I've had so far is cTommy punching transphobes in the face. Unlike the smp where it's like maybe 40-odd people trapped in a cursed land they cannot leave, Empires has citizens, it had loads of people. So like there's bound to be one person in the Grimlands who doesn't like their Count being a trans man. Tommy is having none of that though, he will clobber anyone who talks bad about fWhip while saying something badass like; "fWhip is twice the man you'll ever be"

Am I projecting heavily on that one? Yes.

Similarly, if you ever give anyone shit for Tommy's or anyone else's disability he will beat you with his prosthetic arm. I think on the smp, being disabled is a very common thing (hard of hearing/deaf people, amputees, nerve damage, blindness, etc) thanks to the constant wars, explosions and violence. I headcanon Tubbo to be almost entirely blind because of his execution, so Tommy will shout at you if you are rude to a blind person. He also absolutely knows sign language, which I've been calling MSL (minecraft sign language), so fWhip who is absolutely HoH thanks to being a demolitionist has someone he can communicate with if he doesn't have his hearing aid, and same with anyone else who's deaf/HoH.

In a similar vein to Tommy transphobe-puncher Innit, Tommy doesn't really give a shit about how he presents his gender. If you ask he will say he's a BIG MAN who uses he/him pronouns only, but he's also happy to walk around wearing a skirt (as long as it's a practical one he can fight in). He makes flower crowns for his friends. He can braid hair and has long-ish hair of his own. Hell, I'd say he could even do some basic makeup! Just stereotypically "feminine" things, because he just Does Not Care™. The most trans-allegory cishet man ever.

Tommy seems like the type to not care if he's asked to wear something formal (I.e. the L'manberg uniform) as long as he can still fight in it, Tommy likes to be prepared at all times. He keeps like three concealed weapons on him at all times. People have mentioned kinda worriedly to fWhip that his kid has a "perfect soldier stance", that he more marches wear he walks than actual walking, etc. It's concerning to see a kid no older than 16 walking around like a grizzled war veteran (which he is). Also, when asked to greet another Emperor respectfully, Tommy interprets that as a salute, perfect posture, etc with "It's an honour to meet you, ma'am/sir!" Because that's the only way he knows how to "show respect".

Idk I just want to explore the child soldier side of cTommy more.

Also just Tommy who's literally been homeless before being utterly shocked at the lavish lifestyle royalty/nobility lead. He sees all the food laid out in the dining hall to feed fWhip and his whole staff and is just shocked, there's never been that much food to go around on his whole server and there it all is just sitting there, AND fWhip tells him there's more if he doesn't like any of it!

Tommy really is just Sophia the first in this au lol

[laithraihan]

Would you be comfortable sharing any personal info (age, profession, relationship status, etc...)? Completely understand if you're not but it's always really interesting learning about the lives of ppl I admire. Again, if that's not something you wanna do it's totally understandable! I love your art!!

Ah thank you so much 🫶 and sure I dont mind sharing some stuff but to be very honest Im not an interesting person, so I'm sorry in advance for disappointing you.

So I'm a woman (or something like that) even though I use a male pen name for art, Im 22 years old, 151cm (4'11"), the eldest daughter who has two teenage siblings who are both taller than me and make fun of me for being short. I do not have a profession and I do not go to school due to a disability I will not disclose. Im a lesbian engaged to a butch, we've been together for almost 4 years (our anniversary is in August)

My favorite season is winter because all the bugs are dead and I despise summer because the bugs are alive. Im also really scared of butterflies for some reason. Im scared of winged bugs in general. Ive never seen a cockroach in my life but I'd probably kill myself if I saw one. I really hate bugs. The winters are harsh here but I like walking outside when theres light snow falling at night. Im also a bit obsessed with Christmas lights but I dont celebrate Christmas, I dont follow any religion in general but my family is Muslim so Ive been raised with that. If I could just put Christmas lights in my room all year then I would do that. They look really pretty.

About my ethnicity I think everyone knows Im Algerian already, well Ive only been to Algeria once when I was like 8 years old so I dont really remember anything. All I know is that my uncle would keep telling my dad that I convinced him to stop smoking and that he's eternally grateful for that but I literally cannot remember what I did or said back then so I just pretended I knew what he was talking about. Anyway. Id like to go there again one day. I most likely will go soon in the future so it makes me happy to think about it.

My first language is French and Im somewhat fluent in English but it needs more work. Whenever I speak English I have to think harder about the words that come out of my mouth and I start saying things that dont make sense. But my pronunciation is good so other people just assume Im fluent. Also I understand Derja (Algerian Arabic) when people talk to me out loud but I cant form sentences and respond back so I just answer people in French. I know how to read Arabic script and I understand basic words but again I cant form sentences. As for Japanese I can only read Hiragana and Katakana and a bit of Kanji, and my understanding of the language is worse than Arabic, so I practice by translating Japanese song lyrics, reading news articles and talking with Japanese users online

Honestly I dunno what else to say, I dont really have any special skills or anything like that. Unless you count memorizing all the metro stations in Montreal but thats only because I had to use public transport all the time when I was a kid because my parents never felt like driving me to my appointments. At that point I probably visited every single station because I had to go to many random places. I dont have a drivers license but I prefer walking to places in general even though there are no stores near my neighborhood, but I think it's better for me because I get to walk more. I think I really like the idea of travelling in general but I dont have friends for that, my parents also wouldnt allow me to hang out with friends so it's a bit unfortunate

Oh and lately Ive been enjoying making eggs for some reason, I think Im good at doing that. But I only cook whenever Im hungry and I rarely feel hungry so I dont cook many eggs. I also dont like cleaning dishes so I avoid making huge meals in general. I dont really eat much in the first place but I still like food. I really like going to restaurants too. I just like going outside in general. I like listening to music and talking with people, normal stuff like that. Im running out of things to say so I'll probably just stop there.

[neiptune]

my LOVE i finally figured out my prompt for your event :) how about:

Maki (jjk) + "you, that’s what happened. you"

the mood, the theme, the setting-- completely up to you. i trust you with my life and my wife and I can't wait to read your interpretation <3 (hope the event is going well so far!! can't wait to read them all)

maki zenin x you, that’s what happened, you

“And that’s when she tried to blow a bubble with her gum and basically shot it out of her mouth”

“Perfectly aimed at my neck”

“I wasn’t aiming” you grumble, to which your friends look at each other and chuckle.

The arm lazily thrown around your shoulders tightens, calloused thumb lightly grazing your neck. It slowly moves up and down, distracting enouch to take your mind off the embarrassing story just recounted from your old classmates.

“I mean” half a smile tugs at Maki’s lips, a delightful but equally menacing crescent you know well enough to brace yourself for whatever is coming “at least she wasn’t caught giving head to her sophomore girlfriend in the disabled bathroom”

Thank fuck you’re done drinking your coffee and can’t choke on it. Nevertheless, your stomach does a flip perfectly synchronized with the surprised snort Aya lets out.

“You win” Ryo gives Maki a thumbs up with an impressed albeit astonished smile. His gaze then flickers to you, a slight raise of the eyebrows that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die. You know what he’s thinking, that you’re currently winning as well. If only.

“So how did you two meet again?” Aya clears her throat and you appreciate the change of subject.

“Mutual friend” Maki lightly shrugs “we were both at his birthday party and he introduced us”

“I got drunk” you add, grateful to finally have something true to share amidst that whole charade.

“She was so beautiful” you turn your head to look at her and she mirrors your startled glance with one filled with fondness and an ounce of mischief “I knew it then. Knew it right away”

Your heart twists almost painfully in your chest, secretly thankful for your friends’ honeyed oohs and awws: they buy you just enough time to tame your pulse.

Perhaps you should’ve went with your original plan of asking Nobara to pretend to be your girlfriend at the stupid reunion. Why you even came up with the dumb idea in the first place, is beyond you. You haven’t seen some of these people in years and the general hope was to make a good impression, one that could magically wash away little lame you from high school, the person you were so sure was carved into the memories of all those present.

Truth is, Maki is your closest friend and the first person you thought would go along with the stupid plan. The only inconvenient being the apocalyptic crush you’ve had on her for the longest, most embarrassing time.

Of course she was ready to tag along and show up to the reunion with an arm around your shoulders and her usual, magnetic charm. She just radiates confidence and you thought you’d feel safe, shielded by her poised aura. Instead you just feel on edge, insides churning way too often at whatever comes out of her mouth, at each gentle touch she gifts you with. She’s playing the role all too well, far too convincing for everyone to see and for your heart to pathetically slam against your ribcage.

You hate how well she knows what she’s doing, the amount of times she’s called you baby, completely oblivious to her disgusting friend harboring not so friendly feelings for her.

For her nice perfume and shiny hair and narrowed gaze that turns soft as soon as she glances in your direction.

You hate the ill-concealed screech you let out as she pulled you into her lap as you were waiting for the bus, you’re embarrassed by how clammy your palm must’ve felt when you were entering the cafe (“hold my hand” “that’s really not necessary, Maki” “they’ll think something’s wrong if you don’t”) and you honestly cannot believe the number of times you have dissociated from the lively chatter taking place around you just to absentmindedly daydream about running your fingers through her strands or pressing a real kiss to lips looking so soft, always so inviting.

When you crack a joke and everyone laughs, your heart grows in size with what feels like pride. It’s surprising, it feels good. Not only witnessing a fit of laughter you could’ve never triggered back in high school but also Maki’s warm breath tickling your cheek as she giggles right next to you, in a way you just can’t bring yourself to perceive as fake.

The group slowly breaks apart because not everyone is from the same part of town and some have trains to catch, dinners to prepare, partners to go back to. Aya is the last one to stay and you’re happy she is, her presence every bit as comforting as you remembered.

“I like seeing you happy” she smiles, eyes briefly darting to a Maki supposedly busy rummaging through her bag “you were never like this back then. It suits you”

When she excuses herself to go to the bathroom, you deflate against your chair with a heavy sigh.

“I agree, you know” gentle fingers skim your arm “it suits you. Much more than the shy, apprehensive attitude you had this morning. What happened to that?” her smile is teasing, she’s probably proud to identify herself as the cause of the sudden change in the way you’re coming across.

On any other day, you wouldn’t have given her the satisfaction because you’re stubborn and proud like that. But right now? It feels fair. It feels right.

“You, that’s what happened. You” a timid shrug emphasizes your words “you’re here, so I feel safe. I feel strong”

And for the first time since you’ve known her, it’s Maki that stares back at you astonished, lips parted in surprise.

“I like the sound of that” she finally cracks that familiar smirk of hers. When she leans closer, you force yourself not to pull back.

“Me too”

Maki cocks her head, one hand rising to graciously grip your chin.

“Good” her breath is warm on your lips “stay in character for a second”

[laylajeffany]

Heya ! ^^ Another amazing chapter =w=b

I was wondering about something. There is a lot of hospital scenes and stuff in Chaos and Karma with all the themes of disability and mental & physical health related issues, and like the rest of your writing, it's all written in depth, which I love, but with hospital stuff, it seems even more so.

I was wondering if you pull from your own experience with some of that stuff ? If it's too personal, don't feel obliged to go into details, please.

Cheers,

Thank you! It took me a minute to get chapter two started, but once I did, I was able to fly through it. I might have accidentally started something new today that I'm accidentally almost 10k into, though so...um, not sure when chapter three will be out! 🤭 Shh, don't tell my beta. She's going to kill me.

Answer behind the cut about my experiences - long winded, OF COURSE!!

I have two degrees in special education that I refuse to put on my current teaching license for a myriad of reasons. The tl;dr is because I believe in including students with special needs in my general education classroom. I firmly believe that young students are generally not given a chance to "assume competency" as the awful phrase has been coined, and districts have gotten away with this through bypassing the Least Restrictive Environment mandate by citing the importance of Early Intervention due to a lack of government-funded seats in early childhood education, not because it is best practice. Therefore, they are often funneled by "Child Find" teams who assess children for disabilities that could impact their education, directly into self-contained classrooms without ever having had the opportunity to be in a general education classroom. Unfortunately, public education is hanging on with paperclips and rubber bands that have continued to be stretched to capacity more and more over the last decade I've been working in the system. We lack the resources and staff competency for inclusion to be properly done in most settings. I have made it work for the last few years very successfully, but it unfortunately doesn’t continue for these kids beyond my classroom. Lately, I wonder if I’m causing more harm than good by giving them one very good year of unprecedented growth by being a "highly effective," intuitive educator, surrounding them with their peers, and providing them with full-time access to general education curriculum. I then have to hand them off to be tortured by K-12 teachers who refuse to even attempt to accommodate these children (which is illegal), and continue to get away with it until they have enough “data” to prove that the children “don’t belong” in their classrooms. (The lawyers have felt very differently about this, trust.) My assistant principal said in a meeting a few weeks ago, “The only real solution is for Ms. XX to be less effective at her job.” I am already doing the least. (I refuse to follow dress codes, show up late, leave early and don’t do anything that isn’t student-facing like nonsensical paperwork that is not legally required, show up for professional development, meetings, after school activities, or anything outside of my contract hours that doesn't have an extra check attached to it, etc.) My next step is to quit - and I am 100% leaving this district after next year; I’m not sure if I’ll be going to a new one or trying something new after. The other work I'm doing surrounding this is too political & identity revealing to discuss here, but just know - I'm not just bitching about it, I am actively trying to make inclusion work.

Other than that, inspiration for my hospital scene settings comes from growing up. I watched family and extended family members die in hospitals from some form of cancer to the point where death barely affects me anymore. The worst of it was in university, a friend developed stage four brain cancer that spread in weeks from one scan to a next, and we spent the second half of the semester at the hospital to be with her when we could; becoming unfortunately familiar with neurology and the ICU. I had a very interesting conversation about this with my uncle this year, who said that his parents ‘kept him from death’ until he was an adult and now processes death so poorly that twelve years after my grandma died, he JUST got rid of the house that was empty the entire time. I’m not sure if it helps/hurts to expose children to death and dying early. I find my self generally numb to death as an adult, and see the human condition as temporary with a fierce acceptance that it will inevitably end, sometimes when we expect it, and sometimes not. Also - I was a rabid House, MD fan from 2004-2009, lol (Jennifer Morrison was one of my lesbian awakenings). I have rewatched seasons 1-4 at least ten times each and recognize this is not a realistic look at the world of medicine as a whole, but I feel like it did at least make me understand hospitals and medical procedures/testing a little. I actually wanted to be an OBGYN until I was a junior in an evangelical high school and was sent to take some state testing for college admissions, and discovered my scientific knowledge was like that of a third grader due to Christian-based science instruction I had K-12, so pretty much threw that dream out the window when I realized I likely wouldn’t catch up with what would be required of me at the university level. “Who are we to question god’s earthly miracles?” Was a valid response from our educators when asking a question about science.