#how am i supposed to be even an adult person in society if i cant even get a minimum wage job? where am i supposed to live? what can i eat?

[kurv4]

.

[baby-xemnas]

Even tho Bepo does make a few comments about female bears, i wonder if it is more of an automatic response than anything, maybe something like compulsive speciism like you mentioned. Like it’s not something at the forefront of Bepo’s mind but that’s what is expected, that a mink will be with another mink, so that informs what he says out loud. I can’t help but think about how Bepo left Zou at such a very young age too, bc as far as we know, Bepo has been around humans far longer than minks at this point, so i wonder how that would’ve impacted or shaped his development and outlook on such things? In other areas too, I wonder if Bepo felt odd coming back to Zou, seeing the differences between himself and other minks who grew up and stayed in Zou or stayed in closer contact to minks even if they weren’t living in Zou. All this in relation to LawBepo and Bepo’s immediate intense strong attachment to Law, it’s interesting to think about!

yeeee.....

its a single crumb of Bepo's presense on Zou during that arc but i did appreciate when it was noted that "Even though he is from here, he is still an outsider" like thats GREAT thats a bit of worldbuilding i really appreciate making characters behavior more believable - ye no shit...not only did this guy not live with them, disappearing as a kid - he brought humans with him too - he is a complete stranger to the island. imagine moving to a very different country in elementary school - all your formative years would be shaped in accordance to the new place. I love that they treated him like the stranger he is

and GOOD POINT ABOUT HIS INSTANT ATTACHMENT TO LAW like yes of course its logical that he would be appreciative of a person who saved him - but Bepo had ZERO apprehension towards Law and following Law to a strangers house.. ofc u can say that he is too naive and easily trusting but it mustve been so crazy to him to be like wow! not only humans exist (when they met bepo have gotten over that initial surprise and probably hid from adults til pensha found him and beat his ass) but there are nice ones too! yay!!!!!!!!! :D!!

its absolutely compulsive species attraction like "i'm supposed to find a bear mink" and he just thought that way the whole time growing up and didnt even consider humans - and that was fine because he was very busy loving and supporting law - thought didnt cross his mind...if he felt horny he just thought "oh well i cant do nothing about this! idk where bear women are at!"

i love thinking about how weird it felt to come back home (and like i talked abt before i love that bepo didnt go home because he wanted to fullfill his initial wishes to 1) find zunesha on his own - reason he learned navigation 2) find out where his brother go - no he went to zou because (as he himself probably suggested as it was a safest place) law ordered them to lay low somewhere....i love that so much, that law going off on his personal vendetta mission caused bepo to fullfil his personal dream - the one that he put away for so long BECAUSE what law became way more important.

There is a sense of shame and wrong priorities there - imagine that instead of being a sort of triumphant/celebratory visit home where you can boast look at me i'm a pirate like my big brother! No instead he comes home asking for help, for a place to hide, not only for himself but strangers to the island - and he himself is as much a stranger as the humans. oof.

Its hard to imagine he felt that comfortable around minks at first, it was a wishful thinking like here i am among my people - but they look at him (and rightfully so) like an alien - and bepo is too worried about law to care....he is not there to integrate back into society....these people are not his people anymore, his crew and law are his family now

its super interesting and i really am sour forever that we didnt get more about this aside from "he is still a stranger even if he is from here" line about bepo and others being quarantined to a single area - and that one moment where bepo says "even if im a stranger this is my island too" when they are about to help defend zou against beast pirates along with locals

[yourmoonmomma]

hey can I ask your advice on this common issue? what do you think is the best option cause girl I have struggled with friends since forever. Every other person is either so self absorbed that they need jesus or idfk are people getting worse at communication and listening?

do you think its better to a) have limited amount of "friends" even fi you dont meet them regularly enough

b) those friends that only ever message once in a blue moon orrrr if they do ever meet up with you everything is abt them

c) or non at all bc everyone puts up a facade and you dont know which one is the real them

I feel like I have run into all sorts of people yet nothings stuck besides similar patterns in the type of people I seem to be running into. Even family and parents are sometimes a bit of a letdown as well or I barely get to see other relatives anymore. idk but the way society is currently doesnt give me good feelings and it seems that if we dont have or get into something early on we dont get to maintain close connections whereas others might just have been at the right time or place to meet their life long buddies. I tried clubs, online activities with another friend but it just didnt stick to me like that one thing would be all we had in common or they kinda didnt care to explore other activities that we couldve done well at together.

I just think and am concerned with how selfish people are becoming and how people dont even want to be accountable for nothing they ever did wrong either? Like you ask person can you not interrupt me but they will keep doing it over and over cause it seem nothing I say sticks to anyones mind. Then I get told off if im ever too loud or too quiet so I cant win with anyone. Even tho other adults are also loud and even more obnoxious than whatever im trying to do I jusr cant seem to receive the same attention long enough to feel valued

I mean say you had same age friend in college who kept turning down ur offers to socialise outside of their area / home? its rude asf imho, I even tell her that sure we can gift each other bday presents orrr we might hang out during class and such but anything else she didnt care to spend other time in my area or seeing something new or doing something new... every time I ask someone been rejecting me or almost ignore my existence even if they claim to be my "friend" I dont even tell no one nothing abt myself bc u dont know how the other person going to react and some people are chronic talkers or overshare too much and I think those types of people are more annoying to deal with bc u got to basicslly be their audience and they too also dont care that much to ask u nothing to show u no interest in ur intersts. it dont seem to matter what age or generation they be either. but damn people are getting harder to connect with bc u dont know what personality they going to have when trying to engage with them.

some people also outright contradict themselves or gaslight others in the same paragraphs or sentences too which make it harder to point out they doing it cause nobody ever wanna admit they at fault for something or other. so I cant win with that bc people seem to be so mentally asleep about themselves. I have experienced literal adult men throwing tantrums for over decade and got not a single response whenever I be trying to share my interest with them they just dont care or relatives idfk. I mean I can vent to someone and they show almost no emotion nor concern for my vent or problem. mostly bc they wont believe me or dismiss anything i ever say if they dont believe it as well.

same for those who dont ask how you doing? is the world just becoming so blindsided and cliquey, if we dont have the same level of interest that others have in themselves then they aint going to care but its been such a common pattern in my life and ik something was off when I was doing this fun run and was supposed to run with my "friends" but they ended up running slower basically to avoid me even tho i dont say nothing wrong to them then or at any point. idk why social rejection is worse feeling than completely being ignored cause at least I now want only peace in my life instead of buncha fake ass people who dont care in the long run but then life is less fun at the same time.

when ur a kid u think u can get so much praise and attention but when u an adult u quickly realise who really dont care in the long run or they can sometimes say they care but when u really upset with them they dont care to correct their behaviour. I think I been dealing with narcs my whole life bruh. sorfy for rambling thanks for reading

I think the first option is better. HOWEVER I am also a bad friend. Like I'll state it right off the bat to people. A mutual friend, Joy, recently messaged me saying she'd love to be closer with me, and I told her that I'd also love that, BUT I am not a good friend. I forget to text back, I almost NEVER text first, I'm flaky with plans, etc etc. If you need someone, I am there, but just as a general everyday friend? I'm not that great! So BECAUSE of that, your first option sounds better for me. But it may not be what feels best for you! However, I don't think isolating from numerous negative experiences is a good idea. I know it's hard to keep trying, but it will eventually be worth it.

You have to find the people who are more like-minded to you, and they ARE out there. Frankly I think you & my friend Jonah would get along REALLY well, you two seem to have similar personalities, or at least talk about very very similar things/experiences! You will find your people <3

Social rejection hurts more because you opened yourself. You're saying "maybe this will work this time." Your inner child is eagerly looking for connection and love and wants so badly for this to be the time you aren't rejected. So it feels like a slap in the face. You're right, if you don't put yourself out there, it doesn't hurt as bad!!! But you will also end up missing out on a lot.

And just know, you are NOT in the wrong for being hurt by those situations. I would be hurt too. I've been upset with a few friends lately who are always "so excited" to see me, but then if I spend a couple days NOT travelling to them, they will straight up ignore me or refuse to come over because it isn't worth their time. That shit hurts. So this college friend? I'd be upset too in your position. Likewise the running situation? I've been the third friend trailing behind another two while they talk. I've straight up stopped and watched them not realize, at all, that I wasn't with them anymore. Again, that hurts. GOOD friends? Don't do that. Or, if they do, they're willing to apologize and correct the behaviour. At least, friends who are good for you!

Also I'm probably gonna prove your point right that most people suck LOL but I'm sorry I have such a hard time answering your asks sometimes!! Big blocks of texts are hard for me to respond to unmedicated, or when I'm under the weather, or just... feeling my ADHD symptoms at all. Sounds like an excuse, but I am sorry, and I do always read your full messages, even if I don't respond <33

[pavlovscrow]

how the fuck am i supposed to function as an adult i cant even tell my teacher that i finished my test

[shkspr]

hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

[kareofbears]

finished my task early and realized that as a byproduct of our capitalist society, im unfortunately happier when i do tasks. here are my rankings of persona 5 awakenings spanning from vanilla to strikers. and i watched all of them again just so i wasn’t biased. i will also be attaching the splash pages they have of the group during awakening scenes because theyre fucking awesome 

excluded: 

morgana - no awakening, very sad

akechi - just a reveal, but an awesome reveal 

10. okumura haru  

it feels like a lie to even say she got an awakening, because they didnt even let her rip off her mask. they gave her a half awakening like it was on clearance. sad stuff, couldve been amazing, instead felt underwhelming since there was no lethargic high point where you feel her anger. i liked the gun reveal though 

9. sakura futaba 

same deal as haru, no mask ripping part :( that part of awakenings are very important to me, since its like, the whole deal with awakening your persona. its supposed to hurt, cause it hurts to throw away your facade and be who you really are!! also it just felt long and drawn out, making the tension feel...untensed. pliable, if you will. ranks higher than haru cause it still made me cry--futaba truly has one of the toughest and heart-wrenching motivations to persona awakenings, truly. 

8. niijima Makoto 

no splash page for her which makes me sad. love how gritty her mask + scream were afterwards, you can really feel the impact of it. also, editing was great during this scene. ranks low (high?) on the list though because it was pretty unremarkable overall--thats because makoto’s awakening/arc is pretty detached from who she is. its not very personal, since the conflict isn’t specifically about her you know? 

7. Kitagawa Yusuke 

a fan favorite and im sorry i couldnt rank it in a better spot. loved the camera work, loved the dialogue and his speech afterwards. it really is poetry infused with pissed-off and ready for revenge. if only the mask removal scene was grittier!! i like seeing them in pain!! it shouldnt be easy to take off the mask!!

6. takamaki ann

beautiful spectacular awakening that always makes me cry, but docked many points off because of how sexual it is. why are they focusing on her torso when shes crying. enough with the jiggle physics. stop that!!

her rage and swearing is so on point, and i am in love with how she mows down her shadow self in one go. so cool. love ann.

5. Hasegawa Zenkichi 

another fan favorite and its also one of mine as well. yall im just so emotional that an adult actually got a persona awakening. like, an adult who wants change just as desperately as the young people do? that means so much to me. dialogue is great, shadows are great. his mask ripping scene was so fucking intense that he snapped his mask in half like thats so rad 

4. yoshizawa sumire 

yeah yeah whatever i love her awakening ok. its big cheating that she got two on camera awakenings, but the first one sucked so its fine. the second one is just so great and i love how quiet the music is . where some awakenings feel very disjointed and impersonal, hers was arguably the most personal out of all of them. like she saw her sister?? and that was what made her awaken for real this time?? fantastic. also her mask removal scene was so intense and i loved that nothing happened at first because it makes you think that something is still wrong. hated the first awakening though--why the magical girl sequence?? what the fuck 

3. Sophia 

hehe her awakening is so fucking good. from the line read to the dialogue. this was the only awakening (besides jokers but ill get to that) that truly caught me off guard. i didnt expect that, even though it was the only logical conclusion to her character arc. brillaint. and i cant stress this enough--the line reads. the line reads. are so good.  thank you VA from puyo puyo tetris lmfao 

2. Kurusu Akira 

no splash page for him either but i will forgive it since hes the first. this one fucked me over because one: the animation was amazing, two, he awakened for ryuji, and three, his mask removal scene is the best of them all. you can feel every centimeter of his mask forcibly peeling away from his skin and i love it. also, this one scared the fuck out of me because when i bought p5, i didnt know what a fucking persona was. i thought this was like, a high school adventure. so yeah, this had a big impact on me

1. sakamoto Ryuji 

look man. this boy is just so angry. so fucking angry, and so intense about his feelings, and so desperate to help, and all of that accumulates to being the best awakening. where akira has the best mask ripping scene, he has the best scream after he rips his mask--you could feel that shit in your throat, in your lungs, the vibrations in your head. not to mention, he was the only one who was allowed to look fucking insane--rolling on the carpet and shit, sweating his heart out. i love how gritty it is. 

Those are my opnions thanks for coming to my ted talk 

[fox-steward]

hey. i just saw your post about identity and i wanted to say something. this is not a rude clapback or anything. i just wanna give my opinion.

i agree with you. surrounding your life around an identity isnt a healthy way to live, especially when said identity can break upon critisism

i am female. i acknowledge and accept that that is an immutable fact and reality about my existence. but my fulfillment for myself comes from presenting as a boy. i know nothing i do or say will change my sex, i know no amount of surgery will change my dna or innate sex characteristics.

my life does not surround my gender presentation. i will always be female, but to alleviate the dysphoria i have and do feel in myself, i present as a boy.

there is no part of me that looks at myself and think "that's a woman. i am a girl". that has never been the case for me. not because i thought women were only super femme, love make up, wear heels etc, not because i thought women cant be or present anyway they wish and still be women, not because of any internalised misogyny. i enjoy being feminine, however, when i look at and think of myself, i do not think "woman" or "girl".

for my own ability to function and feel comfortable in my own skin and body and existence, presenting as a boy is. my life isnt surrounded around that fact, but it is affected by it, as would any other significant aspect of your individual life would.

again, i agree with you that it's not healthy to make an identity all that you and your life is, but disregarding that for some, resolving discomfort in ones skin can affect one's life significantly also, and being compassionate to those people's realitys is important also.

it’s not rude or a clapback at all, but it does misunderstand the point of the post and there’s some internal contradiction going on.

i’m not saying it’s only unhealthy to make your ENTIRE life about your identity, it’s unhealthy to live your life at all in pursuit of substantiating an identity, and that includes “presenting as a boy,” or changing your name to “reflect” that identity or asking people to use opposite sexed pronouns. and that last one also encompasses the “requiring other’s participation” thing. i’m not saying you CAN’T, i’m just saying it’s not healthy.

also, your argument is essentially an individualist argument, in that it makes you—personally—feel better to pretend you’re a boy/not a woman and therefore it’s healthy. i’m not saying it’s a bad thing to feel better, but your choices aren’t made in a vacuum, and what you do individually has a ripple effect on people around you. you embody gender stereotypes in order to “present like a boy?” that reinforces gender essentialist stereotypes for those around you. that also removes an example of masculine womanhood from those around you because you insist on pretending your “presentation” makes you a boy/not a girl. (btw if you’re an adult, you’d be presenting as a man, unless you’re also pretending to be a minor).

also, using fantasy to cope with your inability to reconcile your female self and womanhood (or, yknow, “presenting as a boy”) may not be the best way for you—personally—to cope! but you’ll never know because you’re not going to do the hard work of living in (an intensely misogynistic) reality while you’re more comfortable living in a fantasy where that misogyny isn’t “for” you. instead, you’ll tell yourself your “identity” isn’t about misogyny as if you’re the only goddamn woman who is somehow impervious to the sexism in our society.

what does it even mean to “present as a boy?” i’m not asking you to answer ME, but it could be useful to think about that question for yourself. can you answer that question without relying on gender stereotypes? i’d be gobsmacked if you could.

if it’s about clothing or haircuts or behavior—can you not do all those same things while admitting you’re female, aka a woman? if not, why not? i haven’t changed anything about my “presentation” since detransitioning and it doesn’t make me any less of a woman; transitioning didn’t make me any more of a man.

you look at yourself and do not think “woman” and somehow i’m supposed to swallow it’s not about misogyny for you? how many examples of women like us did you encounter during your formative years? how many were positive representations? how many showed you a future you could see yourself in? now you’re telling me instead of being willing to BE that woman for the other girls who are growing up in her absence, you’ve decided to pretend the way that woman “presents” is actually “as a boy?”

gender identity is intensely misogynistic, and this is not an indictment of YOU, because trust me, i understand. i transitioned because of gender dysphoria, which is really just the internal application of gender stereotypes and misogyny. and it feels better to not have to consider yourself a woman, the object of misogyny. you’re coping with it, i get it, but i do not think it’s healthy—not for you and not for other women and girls like you.

i’m so sorry you’re dealing with gender dysphoria, but entrenching yourself in rigid gender ideology doesn’t free you, it just fits you more comfortably into a different prison, all the while with the looming threat of having your status as “boy/man/misogyny exempt” revoked when any other person acknowledges that you’re female.

ultimately i hurt for you because for so long i hurt LIKE you. best of luck.

[alexanderpusheen]

i have some feelings about how people treat age (i am thirty for complete transparency) and its ~nuanced~ but not really as nuanced as people think it is? these are my perspectives as a 30 year old survivor and educator. this is kind of rambly and doesnt have a conclusion, i just wanted to get it out of my head.

lets talk maturity like adults, especially those over the age of 21, have enough experience to know that their feelings and mindsets are vastly different than that of someone who is 15, 16, or even 17 or 18. i still remember what it felt like to be 12, i still remember what it felt like to be 15, and i still remember what it felt like to be 17, 20, 25...and honestly i wouldnt go back lmao. im MUCH more mature today than i was then.

the older you are the more life experience you have to know what is and isnt right. you learn how to deal with people simply because youve had more time to do so. in that sense, the older an adult is, the more of an ‘edge’ theyre going to have over a minor. so you can never have an equal relationship because you just know too much. 

on the other hand, i think theres this stigma against older people that goes beyond looking out for childrens well beings and goes right into ageism. i have this theory that most people have no idea what a 30 year old is supposed to look like. most people assume im in my early 20s for a bunch of reasons...either its my looks or my interests or whatever but i think there is this narrative that someone over the age of 30 must be married, popping out children, buying a house, working on their career, and definitely not doing silly things on the internet. 30 year olds are ‘serious.’ ‘mature.’ something that simply does not apply to me as a personality trait, but because time has passed i have to BECOME another person....i dont get that.

in my professional life i have a lot of contact with teenagers. i talk to my teenage students like theyre adults because i dont think theyre idiots. i feel like a lot of my colleagues tend to treat teens like zoo animals rather than taking their jobs seriously. educators are part of a childs education process. we help form who you are, whether we like it or not, so giving you age appropriate responsibilities (within reason, i also hate assigning lots of busywork homework) is part of our job. teens say dumb things because theyre teens but also i remember that once i had a fucking meltdown in english class when i was 14 because i got a B+ on a quiz and said i was going to work at burger king forever and my teacher actually reassured me in her own comedic way. so yeah, i remember being overdramatic and annoying too so i cant be critical of my students for that.

while i think the age dynamic between a teenager and an adult is something to take more seriously than some people online would like to, i also see a lot of full grown adults in their early 20s pretending that anyone over 30 is a corpse. it goes back to what i said about that narrative....30 is not the end of your life. in fact, i felt my life was just beginning once i turned 30. i spent most of my 20s in and out of mental hospitals and in treatment, learning how to function, and towards my late 20s i finally became a teacher and found that it was a fundamentally vital part of my recovery. but the ‘best years of my life’ aka my teen years and early 20s were all spent trapped in abusive relationships and processing trauma. now that im older, i feel i can finally start living.

maybe its because of my experiences but i really resent being told that im old just because im 30. im only five years older than some of these people who are like ‘dni if youre 30+!’.... like you are 25 years old there is no significant age gap or power differential between us??? do you think that once you turn 30 you stop liking anime and become some kind of sexually predatory liability towards....people in their mid to late 20s? 

the reason we talk about age is because adults, all adults, need to respect children and teens at their particular stage of development. i know teenagers hate being told theyre not fully mature yet but you arent fully mature yet. you arent adults. even if you were, you simply dont have that much life experience. its fine not to know everything. and there are people who know more than you who will try to use what they know against you. thats why discussion age dynamics is so important. because childhood developmental stages are a thing really even up until youre in your early 20s (but at that point it doesnt matter AS MUCH because once youre legally an adult you have more legal rights than you do as a child, as sad as that is).

i think a lot of this antagonism against people over 30 is that society generally values youth, which is pretty silly because society also gives children and teens little to no legal recourse. so there is this distinct antagonism there. youth is valuable perhaps BECAUSE of its capacity for exploitation. once youre older, you know better, and thus you cannot be so easily fooled. and thus, as a result, we all believe turning 30 means youre a dried up useless husk, because your buying power isnt as useful. your beauty (if you are a woman) is worthless because only barely legal teens are acceptable in a society that highly values youth....and we should maybe unpack that because thats highly uncomfortable isnt it? your reproductive capacity is worthless because biased scientists have told us that if you have a child over 40 you are GUARANTEED to produce DEFECTIVE CHILDREN!!!! its backed up by SCIENCE!!!! science says older women are useless and shouldnt have children!! even though we live in a world where genetic counseling exists and we can easily navigate those risks...but no, science says. 

the cult of youth is a cult of exploitation of the youth and one that devalues to the point of disposability of older people. and during the pandemic we are really starting to see just how little governments care about older people. in fact, its almost as if they are purposely killing them off...because they arent as important as the youth for some of the above mentioned reasons.

[compassionthreads]

Hey, "cant act my age" anon here lol. I'd really love any advice you could give and I really appreciate you reaching out! It really sucks to always watch other people my age be comfortable and do "young people stuff". I always feel like I should be ashamed if i do the same, even though I KNOW i shouldn't be, at all.

Okay anon, it has been a while and finally I have energy necessary for a proper response. Here we go: 

You “can’t act your age” because you were never really “IN” that age. From my understanding, not making assumptions here, You were raised in a traumatizing environment, meaning that at no point were you expected to act, react to and handle things as a child should, instead you had larger expectations, influences, and most likely were vastly emotionally neglected. 

This created a “gotta grow fast” urge in your brain that simply became a basic instinct of survival. I think that you have a lot of internalized ableism you’re fighting with and honestly I’m proud that you’ve gone through the trouble of acknowledging it. I’d need to understand your background better / more properly but when it comes to trauma, this is a very natural thing. 

You have no connection to “young” things because you never developed said age appropriate connections, instead you were connected to things and people that met the criteria of “gotta grow fast” to survive, tuning everything else out, there’s no which way to cope properly with this so therefore the brain shut everything else off and clung to what felt like a lifeboat, maybe “mature interests” or adult friends, resulting in you never developing touch with your generation to begin with.

This is a topic I had been discussing with someone just recently, and basically, when a child in a situation of trauma grows up forcing oneself to "grow up" in order to endure constant panic, duress, trauma and abuse from one or multiple sources as well as being taken advantage of by adults, (not saying you were this is just a thing that’s common), you may find that later relating to people your age or even feeling your age is impossible, because you spent so long surviving that you never lived through those years, and now that you are no longer in the active “danger” your brain has no idea what to do, or who or what to relate to. So then it develops shame. 

Here’s an excerpt about that: 

“ With shame, the thought is “It's my fault.” I'm not just stuck in a horrible situation in which I have no power—“there's something wrong with me,” not those around me. Small doses of shame, followed by a “repair of the interpersonal bridge” (phrasing suggested by Gershen Kaufman in Shame: The Power of Caring) can actually be helpful, forcing us to stop action and reconsider—perhaps becoming more aware of how our behavior affects others. This is healthy shame and the basic training technique of all societies. What I am talking about here is toxic shame: a large, repeated dose of shame with no repair or reconnection. “ 

Both shame and trauma interfere with the person's natural ability to orient—to know clearly where they are in the present moment. Full orientation involves being aware of inner body sensations and emotions as well being open to the signals we receive from the environment through our five senses, our limbic systems and our intellect. Shame can interfere with all of these. It is easy to “dissociate” or go into a fog. (...)

Shame and trauma also interfere with the ability to pendulate—to move easily from one sensation, feeling or thought to another. Often, the pendulation is between one state and its opposite. The most basic example is breathing, in which we move from inhale to exhale, expansion to contraction. 

Bret Lyon, PhD, SEP  August 21, 2017  Shame Guilt & Trauma

Ultimately remember that there is nothing wrong with you and with the help of a professional and strong group of friends, as well as your own initiative to Engage with your generation and your own young self, you’ll discover that it’s okay to be a child and an adult and even if you’re old now no one and nothing can stop you from owning stuffed animals and a toy horse you display on your desk for example. 

Some of the most mature and academically advanced adult men I know own boards for their interests exclusively. And I’m talking about one of them keeping an entire thing of butterflies, the other has a shelf for figurines and other anime paraphernalia because he likes anime. There is no age to indulge in your inner child and comfort them. You’ll be ok. You are ok. 

That said, work on how you talk to yourself, there is no supposed or should, there is just “it’s okay, I didn’t get to be a child when it was time to be a child, and that is not my fault, I can be whatever and whoever I want. And it won’t matter because what others think isn’t important and has no impact on me. I need to care about me and what I want.” 

I hope this helps. Remember you should not take this as medical advice as I am no professional. 

[linkspooky]

I agree with the parallels between tenko and eri but I remain resolute that Tenko is long gone and can't be saved at this point. If he was taken in by someone whom did properly teach him right from wrong as a child yes but Shigaraki is an adult that was raised to seek nothing but destruction and has committed many many murders at this point. People seem to ignore the fact that person might not want to be saved. 1/2

Eri is a child with very little agency of her own, but Shigaraki is an adult who can make conscious decisions of his own. I think either deku will save shigaraki by putting him out of his misery or shigaraki will show deku that he cant save everyone 2/2

Thank you for sending me this ask anon! Once again you’re free to have your own opinions, I just hope you’ll join me for a discusssion of ideas. 

Let’s choose to focus on this idea you have that Shigaraki is “Someone who is long gone”, because I believe the story establishes the opposite. I agree in fiction there are villains that need to be defeated rather than saved. The reason I am arguing that Shigaraki can be saved is not because I peresonally want him to be, or I believe he’s owed it, but because those ideas are present in the text itself. 

Shigaraki is a Villain who Fights other Villains

The reason Shigaraki is constantly facing off against other villains, is to make the comparison between them. To show that there are villains who unlike Shigaraki, are set in their ways and not capable of learning from their actions. These villains are past the point of no return in a way that Shigaraki isn’t because his arc is structured differently. Shigaraki is a character that experiences positive growths, whereas these villains are characters that experience negative growth and spiral out of control. 

The reason Shigaraki is constantly compared to other villains is to show that he is not the same as them, because he can do better. 

1. Shigaraki and Stain

Shigaraki and Stain are foils mostly in what direct opposites they are. Shigaraki was raised to become a villain, Stain is someone who was on the hero path who decided to become a villain. They both try to destroy heroes but for different means, Stain is someone who believes in hero society and wants heroes to improve, whereas Shigaraki wants the destruction of heroes.

Shigaraki believes heroes are incapable of saving anyone and they provide a false peace. Stain believes that heroes are an ideal, and they should save everyone. Stain considers himself to be righteous, while Shigaraki’s entire identity is built around him being a villain who wants to destroy for no reason. 

Stain is driven by a grand cause, Shigaraki works in antithesis of a cause. Their only similaritiy is that both of them are sick of the world the way it is and want to disrupt it. They are total opposites that have one thing in common, and Stain pretending to be a hero even while acting as a villain is the exact thing that Shigaraki hates. He even laughs at the fact that Stain believes his actions have a positive effect of the world. Shigaraki being someone fundamentally at his core someone who rejects everything.

At first it seems that Stain is the superior villain because he at least has morals he follows, and a code of honor. As opposed to Shigaraki who seems like a child throwing a tantrum who just wants to rampage, and destroy and get away with it. 

However, important to the comparison between the two characters. Shigaraki hates righteousness and does not want anything positive to come out of his actions so why does Shigaraki turn out to be more sympathetic of a character in the end. Simple, stain’s flaws cause his ruin, whereas Shigaraki’s flaws are something he grows from. Stain’s main flaw is his pride. 

Despite saying that he wants to improve the world with his actions, Stain decides everything on what he personally thinks is best. Due to the fact that he’s doing this entirely alone, his views have become warped. Stain can justify almost everything for his supposed good cause. He goes from wanting to purge heroes that are genuine problems like Endeavor, to trying to kill Children because they were witnesses to his crime.

The main flaw in Stain is that he fights alone, and because of that he thinks he’s absolutely in the right and can justify anything to himself for the sake of ideals. When he is like this, he cannot grow or change. Stain loses a battle that is simply a matter of numbers, he easily disables Iida, but then loses when Todoroki and Deku come to back him up. Stain had conviction, but it turned into stubborness and pride when he decided he had to save the world entirely by himself. 

Not only that but Stain’s overreliance on his idenpdence and physical strength shows that he is repeating the abuses of the hero system he himself thinks is rotted. The reason the system is wrong is because people rely too much on individuals with strong and flashy quirks like Endeavor. Individual strength is something that has come to matter far more than saving people. Yet, here is the way Stain wages his war, he picks out weak heroes and kills them, and does so by using superior strength to cull them. In trying to destroy Endeavor’s ideas, due to his methodology stain ends up reinforcing him and turning into the exact kind of hero, one who preeches survival of the fittest.

Just like Endeavor he stops caring about the victims caught in the crossfire of his actions. He gets far less choosy as he goes on, and starts killing people who are not the corrupt heroes he claims to be weeding out. 

What does Shigaraki do immediately after losing to Stain. He starts making allies, and using them in smarter ways rather than trying to handle everything by himself with the use of the Nomu AFO provides him. Shigaraki, unlike Stain, is able to make and keep allies.

Shigaraki cannot find a cause that people believe in, so he starts bonding with his allies as a person and gets them to believe in him as a person. Shigaraki is capable of genuinely connecting to people in a way that Stain is not, which supports his grown as a person. 

2. Shigaraki and Chisaki

Unlike Shigaraki and stain, Chisaki and Shigaraki actually have several similarities in common. They are both heirs to the crimminal underworlds who have ambitions to rule over the underworld. They are both also abandoned children who were taken in and raised by a crimminal to ultimately be a tool of that person. They both have in their possession, allies that would die for them. They both act out of a central desire to please their father figure who in the end regards them as only a tool. They are both intellectual cold thinker types who lead a gang of eccentric. 

Yet, the difference between the two of them becomes as clear as night and day in the way they treat their allies. Once again, with their conflict it’s established why Shigaraki is someone capable of changing his ways, whereas Chisaki is someone doomed to fail due to his own flaws. 

Chisaki is someone who sees allies as completely expendable. That they exist as pawns to be used and nothing else. His criticism of Shigaraki is not how he mistreated allies in the past, but that he did not make proper use of them. He only sees people as how they can best be used.

Shigaraki’s response is not to make better use of his allies. He does the opposite of Chisaki, and starts to value the lives of the allies around him more. He learns to see worth in life when Shigaraki had absolutely no regard for human life before this. 

Not only that, but he opens up to his allies as a person. This is even said to be the main difference between Chisaki’s precepts and the League of Villains.

Shigaraki takes off his mask and becomes far more of a person in front of his allies. We are supposed to notice his change he is even drawn differently. We’re meant to compare this to the face he showed to Deku the last time he took his mask off, and realize that the face he presents to his allies is now much different. 

Chisaki is unable to see any value in life, especially in the people underneath him because ultimately he himself is a tool. He is never able to earn the recognition from the leader of the Yakuza he wants, because he can never be that man’s son, at best he is a good tool. Which is why he himself spirals into tragic failure at the end of his arc.

Shigaraki and Chisaki are both victims in the same sense. At their heart both of them are trying to pay back the man who took them in. However, I do not go out of my way to say that Chisaki is going to be saved because that is not what his arc was leading to. 

Chisaki showed nothing but negative growth. He just spiraled towards the end. The plot goes out of its way to show that Chisaki is fixated and stuck in his ways, while at the same time Shigaraki is capable of change. The plot even gives a reason for this, Chisaki is closed off to the others around them and only sees them as tools. Shigaraki starts to see his allies as people, and because he takes their thoughts and feelings into consideration changes in his interactions with them.

Even Chisaki’s own childhood friend is considered one of the expendable ones. Not only that, but we have that same friend directly say that Chisaki is so incredibly focused and set in his ways that it’s almost distrubing. 

Chisaki gives people worth by using them. Shigaraki gives outcasts a place to belong, the comparison between the two of them shows Shigaraki as growing and Chisaki is not. 

3. Meta Liberation Army

Shigaraki and Re-destro are also characters with several similarities. They are both raised to be the heir of a villain because of who they happened to be born to, Shigaraki because he is Nana’s grandson, and Re-Destro is a bastard son who inherits the burdens of a father he never met.

They were both raised in an extremely cult-like environment, and groomed to be villains by people who did not care about their development as people but rather how they could best be used as symbols for a cause. Rikiya was there to inspire the followers of Destro and carry on his will, Shigaraki was raised to cling only to negative emotions and be a symbol of fear. 

In that regard, Re-Destro is every bit the victim that Shigaraki is. They are both child soldiers of a sort, raised for a cause that was not theirs. Of course they see no value in life, because the both of them have been kept from the outside world for so long and have had their perspectives entirely manipulated by people who pretty much dictated their entire childhoods. 

Yet, once again we see in the comparison, Shigaraki is someone who is capable of changing in a positive way, whereas Re-Destro only experiences negative character development. A major difference is how they treat their allies.

Rikiya raises people to be completely expendable and die for a cause, and clearly values ideas far more than he does individual lives. He plans an attack and ends up sacrificing hundreds of people against the league of villains because he does not like their reputation. As opposed to Shigaraki who gets the entire league to agree to a plan to save one of its members because every member of the league is equally valuable to him. 

Shigaraki is capable of reaching his people and connecting them on a personal level, because unlike Rikiya who just does exactly what the cult that raised him tells him to do and only accepts other people’s values, Shigaraki is starting to create an identity of his own away from All for One. Rikiya believes that it’s an honor and a burden to follow the destiny that was thrown on his shoulders as a child, where Shigaraki knows ultimately that growing into what All for One wants to be is something that will never satisfy him.

Shigaraki differentiates himself from Re-Destro because instead of trying to chain himself to it, Shigaraki is someone desperately trying to free himself from the history that burdens him.

Shigaraki wants to escape his past and develop into his own person, and he also wants the same for his allies around them. That is why he unlike Re-Destro has a character arc.

Shigaraki’s arc is about growing into his own person outside of AFO’s influence, and because of that it makes no sense for him to just die as the villain that AFO wanted him to be. The best resolution for his arc is for him to grow into his own desires and realize what he wants. In order to do that, just like when he needed to accept and value his allies in order to start his development after the Stain Arc, Shigaraki needs an outside perspective on his life like Deku to show him that things could be different, that there’s another way even for someone like him. 

If Shigaraki were past the point of no return he would not be shown to be capable of changing. There are villains in the story that are already past the point of no return, but they are not Shigaraki, and not only that but the story always compares them to Shigaraki to show that he’s learning to be better than them. 

[sadncssfossilized]

sexuality troubles.

i’m so fucking confused. being non-binary/trans makes everything so fucking hard. i don’t know where i fit... anywhere on the sexuality spectrum. i have no idea if all of my attraction to men is real or if i’m forcing it on myself bc im afab. i don’t know if i’m bi. ive always wanted to be attractive to men ever since i was small i think as a coping mechanism because of trauma. but i’m also extremely scared of older men, even if i do find celebrities attractive. but a lot of male celebrities i straight up DONT find attractive at all, they’re like cardboard to me. i don’t know if that’s because i think a lot of hollywood white men hearththrobs look extremely bland/the same bc white society or if there’s something genuinely off with my attraction to men meter. ive heard people say that not being able to process whether a man is attractive or not is a lesbian thing. but i don’t feel like a lesbian. i don’t feel female. i love women, i have always known that, but i don’t feel like a woman and i don’t want to be a woman. i want to look masculine. i want to be masculine. i don’t want to be a girl anymore. i don’t want to be a man, completely, i just want to be.... not a woman. not a man. a nothing.

is it a preference or am i only attracted to women?? i loved being bi. i love the flag i love the options, and i don’t really process people’s gender’s except on a social level. ive never been close with ANY boys across my life, or even more than acquaintances because of my shy and reserved nature and i’ve never connected with any on a personal level both because of fear, being flustered, and feeling like they’re cooler and more superior to be and genuinely a different species so to say, so i don’t know if that has to do with my fear of being sexually involved with them. i’m always afraid men want the worst from me, and i always get the feeling that they are judging me based on my attractiveness to them and discard me mentally as soon as i am not and i hate that so much. i think because i’ve never known a boy truly and deeply, i keep prejudices against them and don’t think that they are as compassionate or HUMAN as non-men. but at the same time, i’ve always felt called to get self worth from their attraction to me. literally since pre-elementary. even if i think a guy is ugly i still base my worth off of if he’s attracted to me?? it’s automatic, and fucked up. i’m scared to go further than flirt with a boy. i’m scared to mess up conversationally , i’m scared of entering a relationship with one especially because i’d be the “woman” in it, and i don’t want to be fucked like a man fucks a woman. i want a queer man so i can feel safe and normal around him. straight men are an enigma to me. they scare me so much with their lack of societal awareness and cruelty. i feel like they don’t GET IT you know? but if i ever was to date one, since i’m pre transition and in the closet i’d have to pretend to be a woman and pretend to be okay with that. the idea of a man taking me like i was a woman makes me want to hurl.... that’s not the relationship dynamic i want at all.

all of my emotions toward men are so fucking conflicting. ive dreamed of kissing men before, fantasized about being soft with them, holding their hand, cupping their face and kissing them gently, but if they’re an irl i never fantasize about what they would be like sexually, land the idea kind of off puts/repulses me in a way. thinking of my irl women crushes kind of makes me feel the same way, but i’m more open to the possibility of that? ive never had a relationship with a man and only probably had like 1 male friend across my entire life, so my fear could be because of trauma + fear of the unknown + bc of my prejudices bc of my lack of experience + dysphoria. meanwhile, i’ve had 1 girlfriend and all of my friends have been female my whole life. ive just NEVER been comfortable around boys/men. which i feel like is less indicative of lesbianism and more of like. trauma haha. i sexualized myself at such a young age to cater to the boys around me and even to the adult men around me, it hurts to think about. i hate how trauma complicates everything. i don’t know why i have that impulse, i don’t know why it started. ive just never felt safe around a boy. i feel like they always want something from me. ive been attracted to them but i’m soo scared o f them. like, i always have something to prove, whether it be my personality or humor or attractiveness, just to stay in their presence.

nsfw incoming.

ive tried to jack off to a lot of gay porn and i think my men attraction meter is broken because so many of the men in gay porn are ugly/unattractive to me. straight up. in their face, and body. and the body ideals in the gay community, where i would fit in post transition, don’t.... resonate with me. like not to be crude but a lot of the body types of the men in here are unattractive to me, but then again it’s white dominated and caters to a very specific vision of a huge bubble butt, way huge thighs, overly ripped chest, bland ass white boy faces paired with ugly haircuts. is this what i’m supposed to be attracted to? the men i’ve been attracted to irl do not look like that. the men in gay porn are all so passionless too. (which is honestly an issue i have that makes jacking off to women in porn sort of difficult too??) i don’t know. i don’t feel like i’m attracted to men the same way gay men are. but then again, how would i know that? i don’t know any actual gay men. i just know from some porn blogs? some pornhub videos? i don’t fucking know. i jack off to images/videos of men very few times compared to how much i get off to women bc of my particularity . it’s more difficult, but it’s easier by when i think about how the man feels, like his pleasure, his sounds, his expressions, rather than the aesthetics of it all. not to say i don’t appreciate the aesthetics of some nice men- chris evans, frank ocean, rob mcelhenney, taika waititi, nice. which sounds like a very non-lesbian thing to say i would think, but i know a ton of lesbians who talk about celebrity men super raunchily and stuff, so i don’t know anymore and i don’t think i know enough about lesbianism to know whether these are lesbian experiences or not. the majority of men content ive jacked off to has been gay fan fiction, and that has actually been easy to get off to bc of the descriptions and the i can visualize characters and passion the way i want. it’s harder to do it with actual videos/images of men, because it’s so different in my mind and imagination m, but that may be bc gay porn can involve a lot of roughness/impersonal-ness? also i feel like i still have a certain degree of internalized homophobia toward both wlw AND mlm despite working through my acceptance of my sexuality for a number of years.

i just want a person. but i don’t know if it’s beyond my control who i’m sexually attracted to. my sexual attraction to men is a lot lower than to women, and it’s a lot easier for me to make them bland in my head and not be able to point out a unique thing about them . i feel like girls are more... distinct/easily alluring to me than most men you know. that may also be affected by how women actually know how to dress and look unique and men don’t really shift from 1 bland societal style, i don’t know. i don’t know. i want to be attracted to men. as a transmasc, i want to be gay. i don’t want to be straight. ive been gay all my life, and i don’t want to leave that label. i want softness and love. but men scare me, and i don’t know if it’s because of a tragic coalescence of bad life experiences (or lack thereof) or because of genuine lesbianism. ive talked so much about being bi, and even been called a confused lesbian before by transphobes, and ever since they said it i cant stop questioning. i feel like at this point i HAVE to be a lesbian or something, bc that’s how this shit goes in movies and stories. i don’t want to be a lesbian. i want to be attracted to men, i wanna be bi and be equally attracted to both, i want experiences with both in my mind, but irl i get so fucking scared and i don’t want anything to do with it. i don’t wanna be a straight transmasc and i also don’t want to become what transphobes have spent their time telling me i am. i want to be what i’ve always thought i’ve been, bisexual and transmasc. i was comfortable with bisexual, until everybody else kept telling me to question and it’s been eating me alive since. fuck. i don’t know anything. is this a preference and bad combination of a huge number of deeper factors or am i straight up NATURALLY not attracted to men? have i been lying to mhself? have all my attractions in the past been fake? this is gonna sound terrible but i don’t want to be a lesbian. it doesn’t feel right. and id be proving the horrible people right, and have to retract everything i’ve ever said about being bi to my following on my other social media. and i’ve said a LOT. and i’d also have to give up my admiration of my irl men crushes and male celebrities and their sexiness. all of this shit is so ridiculous but at least i’m being honest with myself with this post. someone help me haha

[iheartseo]

MASSIVE DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL BASED ON MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES AND WHAT I FOUND HELPFUL !!! KTHNXS ✨

hello honey! I just finished my first year at my new uni doing my new degree and I am honestly so happy about the results I am currently getting compared to what I was getting last year. so I decided to write this little post in order to help those who are going into their first year of university/college or those who just wanna change their mindset.

just a very quick story time: last year was my first REAL year at a university and being fresh outta high school, I was extremely excited about studying the subjects I wanted to study and ready to make new friends etc. etc. However, I realised right after semester 1, that I was in way over my head and it most definitely did NOT help that my dumbass was in a horrible mindset and was not mentally mature for university and the social life of university. Due to this, as well as my quick declining interest and motivation to study, I pretty much bombed out and failed my entire first year of university. And when I said I failed my first year, I’m talking I completely failed and I knew I had failed by semester 2 and so I decided not to do my semester 2 final exams cause what’s the point?

that mindset honestly, was one of the worst I have ever been and my anxiety honestly has never been so high and I would not relive those moments ever again. so here are 10 tips and some advice on how to survive your first year of university/college and hopefully you guys will have a better 1st year experience than I did. ♡

TIP #1: GROW OUT OF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL MENTALITY (it will be an ongoing journey even past your first year of uni tbh)

not gonna lie, the second you tell someone that you are 18 years old and that you are in university, everyone suddenly expects you to be an adult and have your shit together and to have suddenly matured out of your high school mentality and that your break between your high school graduation and your first few months at university, you are expected to have mentally matured by like 20 years or some shit. yes, it is strongly advised that you get out of your high school mentality and yes it is strongly advised that you have to grow the fuck up once you get into university.

however, you should not force yourself to grow up. university will most definitely throw things your way that will completely change and shape the person you will just eventually grow to be. 

TIP #2: ACTUALLY GO AND ATTEND YOUR UNIS/COLLEGES OPEN DAYS OR INFORMATION DAYS. JUST VISIT YOUR DAMN SCHOOLS.

my ACTUAL first year of uni, I was accepted into one of Australia’s top universities on a scholarship for a double degree course. So you can imagine the amount of pressure and hard work that was needed to be put in for me to even stay at this school. When I got accepted, it wasn’t like I didn’t know that it was going to be hard. But I personally never expected for it to be as hard as it was on me both academically and socially.

At first, I liked my course, but I am personally one of those people who thrive off of whatever environment that I am put into so if I am placed into a uni where the environment is highly toxic and almost everyone is a harsh competing rival, I won’t put in the effort. But if I am in an environment that is much more relaxed and opened, but is still willing to push me to work harder, I will actually try. But some people are able to work in incredibly harsh and competitive environments and are able to handle snobby people, I personally couldn’t at my first university which is why I transferred to the uni I am currently attending.

ABSOLUTELY NO HATE OR SHADE TO MY FIRST UNIVERSITY. IT IS TRULY A GREAT UNI. My sister went to my first uni and she absolutely loved it, but everyone has a different uni experience and sadly, I didn’t enjoy it. So I most definitely recommend researching about the schools you are thinking about attending and it would really benefit you if you personally went to visit the school yourself. If you can see yourself being happy there, if you can see yourself enjoying the environment, if you can genuinely say you like the school, go to that school. Because there is honestly no point on attending a university just for the name and the title and you don’t even like going the damn library that is on campus. 

TIP #3: TRY AND STUDY SOMETHING YOU ACTUALLY LIKE

this tip is very hard and I honestly shouldn’t be saying it? But like hear me out. My belief is that if you are studying something you genuinely enjoy, you will actually study for it. Or at least that mentality definitely applies to me. I was studying a Bachelor of Science and a Bachelor of Arts together last year. My majors were Psychology and Economics. AS MUCH AS I LOVED PSYCH, STUDYING ECONOMICS WAS A BITCH.

I personally fucken hated studying Economics and with that, I also had to study Maths as a subject under my science degree, which I also personally hated. No matter how much I tried and listened in my lectures, I could honestly never get the material and it was so disheartening to me that I couldn’t understand. Granted, I was dumb and didn’t check my classes (which I will discuss in my next tip), and I knew that university classes were going to be 100 times harder than the shit I got in high school, but that didn’t escape the fact that it was so disheartening that I wasn’t able to understand the material.

That lead me to slowly and simply not caring about what it was that I was studying and learning. I didn’t care anymore about my degree. I was so unhappy with what I was studying that I would spend more time going out and partying than actually trying to get even a Pass. Nothing wrong with having fun, but I prioritized partying over studying, which is not good.

Now I am doing an Education degree and I am so much happier! I genuinely like studying what I am studying. I even actively listen to my lectures online and take notes as if I was physically attending the lecture myself (and most students don’t even bother listening to online lectures). I even stay back after all of my classes are done to catch up with anything I have missed or get ahead of my classes. I seriously like what I am studying. Sure, I lose motivation from time to time, but I am studying way more now than I did a year ago.

BUT REMEMBER. IT IS OKAY NOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO STUDY. THERE ARE KIDS IN THEIR 4TH YEAR WHO STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO STUDY. Finding something that genuinely makes you happy and makes you want to work hard for it is hard to find, but it is so worth it once you do. So be smart with what you pick and choose.

TIP #4: CHECK UP AND RESEARCH ABOUT YOUR CLASSES

If you are lucky enough to pick and choose your individual classes, please for the love of god, research about them! look up your classes! read your damn unit guide! do not pick a class cause it sounds cool and fuck yourself over by not reading the prerequisites or not reading the amount of assignments related to that class.

I was dumb and did not read up on my classes nor did I research about them fully my first year. I honestly just read their mini blurb and went off my merry way which fucked me over so bad because I did not personally understand the actual contents of each one of my classes. 

literally find your class unit guide or class information online, look into what assignments have been done in the past, what kind of weightings they each have and read the stuff that you are suppose to learn even if you just get a simple Pass in the class. the more you look into a class, the better understanding you will get of what that class actually provides.

also, majority of the time, you can see what textbooks are needed so you can grab them off before the semester even properly starts. 

just as a little side tip

TIP #4.5: If you can literally pick and choose what your time table looks like, DO NOT FUCKEN GIVE YOURSELF 3-4 HOUR BREAKS BETWEEN YOUR CLASSES. You are lying to yourself when you say that you are going to be studying in those long ass breaks, like shut up. no. don’t do that to yourself.

TIP #5: DO NOT BUY YOUR TEXTBOOKS (if possible)

for the love of god, DO. NOT. BUY. YOUR. “MANDATORY”. TEXTBOOKS. it is a waste of money. you are blowing $200 minimum for a damn paper weight. I am not even kidding. I never have purchased a textbook and I never will unless that textbook is nowhere else to be found.

Be smart about your textbooks. If you are able to find a copy of your textbook in the library, BORROW THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY. my university lets us borrow copies of books for like 16 weeks at a time and my semesters last for at least 13, so it is enough to class me throughout all of class. your universities should have multiple copies of whatever textbook that you need for class. even if the library copy is a few editions older, it does not matter, the content is still the same. It is not worth forking out $200-$500 for a couple of extra pages.

If you can’t borrow a copy from the library, try and find it online. There are some generous people out there who have uploaded a free full copy of the book somewhere. If you can’t find it online, borrow a friends copy and photocopy that shit like crazy. You might end up paying like $50 worth of paper but 50 is better than 200.

AND IF YOU SERIOUSLY CANT DO THAT, go onto slugbooks.com to get your textbooks. I personally haven’t used that website myself, but I hear it’s pretty fucken good to get textbooks.

TIP #6: JOIN A CLUB/SOCIETY/FRAT/SORORITY ETC.

for your first year of uni/college, just join something. there is deadset something for everyone. you do not need to join greek life if you personally do not want to. i didn’t join greek life cause australia doesn’t really have that kind of shit.

if you like debating, there is a debating club. if you like drama, 10000% there is a drama club. if you are a strong LGBTQ+ ally or are apart of that group and you wanna meet queer people, 1000000000000% there is a club for that. i’m not even kidding you, at my first university there was a damn memes society and a quidditch society. you will most definitely find something that will interest you.

if you aren’t a big fan of clubs, that is fine. i just would personally recommend joining one so you can make friends more easily and it’s sort of like a little bit away from your studies. it’s something fun for you to enjoy and you get to meet some incredible people along the way. I am apart of VSA (Vietnamese Student Association) and I have done SOOO many things all the way to modelling, charity events, partying and planning out major events etc. all whilst meeting some new people and creating friendships.

TIP #7: LEARN WHAT TO PRIORITISE

I feel like this should be a no brainer but it is important. It is okay to have fun whilst you are at uni but it is not good nor is it smart to throw away a perfectly good education that you are paying hundreds and thousands of dollars for.

if you have a party on Saturday and an essay due on Sunday, do not go to the party. I know that there is some people who pull all nighters to finish off an assignment or to study for an exam, I am extremely guilty of that. However, that does not mean I will sacrifice one extra day of studying for a party.

this is where you have to be an adult and understand how you, yourself study the best and how you retain information the best and if you need an extra couple of days, skip out on some parties and reschedule those lunch dates and dinner dates. your friends will understand and will not judge you for wanting to studying. if your friends do judge you for wanting an education, then you should drop them.

TIP #8: LEARN TO REFERENCE

I cannot stress how important referencing is in university. That shit is an absolute fucken bitch and it does not help that there are like 5 different styles or some shit. But it is important that you learn how to reference correctly because you will lose marks for not doing it correctly and some professors/tutors are just straight assholes and will deduct like 10 marks cause you aren’t using the correct referencing style for the class.

in my experience, for first year anyway, they will teach you how to reference in your tutorials so you get the general gist of what to do and how to do it. I learnt how to reference in APA format in high school, so I am fine, but I know not alot of people learn it that early and first hear about referencing once they get to uni. so learning to reference is a big thing. a lot of my tutors recommended me installing EndNote which does the referencing for you. I personally just let Word do it for me. If you go into your Word and find ‘Document Elements’ (for Mac),  click on ‘Manage’ in the References section and a citations list will pop up. Click on the plus sign in the bottom left hand corner and just literally fill out the form and you are done.

OR IF YOU ARE A WINDOWS USER, just go to the ‘References’ tab and click ‘Insert Citation’ and then click ‘Add New Source’ then fill out the form. Then you are literally done. You basically have corrected did in-text citations within your essay along to whatever format is needed. *The only shitty thing about this method is that it will only automatically do in-text citations, not footnoting. Footnoting you will have to insert manually yourself*

After you finished with all of your citations, just click on ‘Bibliography’ and put in in as ‘Works Cited’ and literally your ENTIRE reference list will be organised into alphabetical order for you.

TIP #9: GET A CALENDAR OR DIARY

whether that shit is digital or physical, start using one. it is honestly so helpful to know when you have got assignments and exams coming up and you can kinda start planning out when is a good time to start researching or studying etc. etc.

it seems like such a small thing, but it works so well. I personally just use the iPhone calendars app and make sure it reminds me at least like a week or 2 ahead of the actual due date so I know that it’s coming up.

i also highly recommend that once you read your unit guide/class information sheet, that you write down ALL of your assignments, when they are due and how much do they weigh into your calendar/diary. because then you have no excuse to say that you never knew about it and yet you wrote it down. it also just helps you to be productive and work around/add in other dates like outings with friends into your schedule. 

TIP #10: IT IS OKAY TO FAIL

I feel like there is such an extremely high expectation to pass every single one of your class with amazing grades and graduate with like a 4.0 GPA, like for some reason that is the standard that is expected out of every uni/college student, even those attending a really shitty uni is somehow expected to be blitzing through every single one your your classes, but the truth is, you will probably fail a class and that’s okay.

trust me when i say, it is okay to fail a class. i’m not saying that you SHOULD fail a class, but if you do, it’s not the end of the world. even though I failed so many classes last year, my first university was still willing to keep me enrolled and even offered some help. staying in university/college is sort of like baseball, very simple; 3 strikes and you’re out, but even then, they will still offer you services to help you study better or if you are struggling at home or you have your own mental issues that affect your studies, there are services at university/college that will help you and it’s for free.

i cannot stress how important it is to let your university/college know that if you suffer from any sort of mental illness, have a rough background, do not have the resources to study etc. etc., that you should let them know because they can help you.

that is all of the tips and advice that i can think off at the moment. i hope this helped at least one person. if i can think of anything else/more, i’ll be sure to update this post and add it on. or if i am brave enough, maybe just do a full blown youtube video? we will see on that. BUT UNTIL THEN. I HOPE THIS HELPS AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR FIRST YEAR AT UNI OR THE REST OF YOUR YEAR AT UNI IN GENERAL !! 

[yellowbluemoonshine]

BNHA's War Arc; Some Details & Parallels

I wanna talk about the things i noticed in recent chapters. 1st one is about how peroid of story keeps changing. 2nd one is about the details of Shigaraki vs Endeavour. 3rd one is about parallels between some characters.

1) Periods of the Story;

a) Beatifull Lie;

Start of the manga, everything seemed more black and white. Allmight, The Symbole of Peace was out there. Story mostly focused on hero kids‘s training like how it supposed to be, they need to go to school. Villains look like a monster, inhuman evil. We got small hints of the broken society but just hints. Flaws were always there, everywhere but story didnt focus on that. Everything seemed more brignht, like nothing really wrong with the society they living.

- Kids were going to school, having trainings (like soldiers)

- Deku and Bakugou’s relationship was pretty abusive. Deku was scared of him, Bakugou wasnt taking seriously of him.

- Mostly heroes got character developments, we meet with the hero sides.

Everything changed after Allmight vs AFO. We are definitely supposed to root for Allmight here. AFO being manipulative and trying to control the fight. Meanwhile, Allmight is trying to protect people. 

Even there is a chapter named “ending o the beginning, beginning of the end” means things are changing.

b) Ugly Truth;

ith the end of the Allmight, story gets darker. Villains became more sempathic, more human, we meet with them. And heard the story from them, different perspective. First time, someone who is not Deku told the story us. We got villains backstories. This time, we got arc that we are supposed to root for League. They didnt fight against heroes. We saw the flaws of society that already there.

- Government preapered the children for war and they gave their training early than it supposed to be, despite some teacher’s worrying about them.

- Deku and Bakugou’s relationship became better, compared to before.

- Mostly villains got characters developments

c) Wake up;

And we enter a new arc, this time, everything changed again.

- Government sent sudents to the war and at the first time

- Proheroes are acting like villains / they dont acting like heroes at all. Miruko killed noumus, victims of mad scicences with enjoy. Mic and Aizawa came here for revenge

- League is the victims (and heroes) of this arc.

And wonder how it will contunie.

2) Parallels between scenes;

In stories when two scenes or characters drawn similarly, we are meant to compare them. Both similarities and differences together. With those fights, story change to next period with Allmight’s ending and with war arc.

I will get a little deeper now, under the cut.

a) Allmight vs AFO & Shigaraki vs Endeavour;

In this both scene, there is no 1 hero vs no 1 villain fight. Allmight’s priority was protecting people, he literally go there to save Bakugou. And to save him, he had to fight AFO. Endeavour’s priority was to end Shigaraki.

Problem here is Shigaraki is someone like Deku, Eri, victim. Shigaraki is similar to Allmight even his childhood friends think like that when he was young. Shigaraki is so kind just like Allmight that he would take outcasts and giving them a place. Shigaraki is someone who saves people who wont saved by society, its his origin. This is opposite of AFO cause AFO is someone who takes advantage of people’s pain.

And Endeavour is a hero who beats villains, unlike Allmight who saves people. Also Endeavour is a child abuser just like AFO. They both used children for their selfish desires, power.

So Shigaraki is someone who is more like Allmight meanwhile Endeavour is someone who is more like AFO. Allmight vs Afo fight was pretty black and white. But this fight is more like a fight between a child who was abused his all life vs the man who abused his kids his all life. In Allmight vs AFO, Afo was the one who controlled the fight, he played with Allmight’s emotions. In this fight, Endeavour is the one who tries to control Shigaraki.

b) Some details about this fight;

Of course, Shigaraki is someone who needs to be stopped, they just cant let him kill people after all.

But the theme of Shigaraki’s story is that he needs to be saved.

The theme of Endeavour’s story is he needs to atone what he did in the past. But the way he treats to Shigaraki is still horrible.

1- Endeavour saw what Ujiko did to these people, they are both parallels, they both experiment of people for their selfish desires. But Endeavour, someone who was supposed to feel guilty for what he did to his family has no empathy for Ujiko’s victims.

2- Not just that Endeavour didnt even know that Shigaraki could fet heal after being burnt but he didnt even care that. He almost killed him. I read an analysis that hero license is basically a licensce that give you a permission to kill which seems true.

3- The way Endeavour put his hand on Shigaraki’s face is literally symbolism of child abuse, the violence used by adults towards to children.

4- Shigaraki’s burnt face is just like exactly Dabi, Endeavour’s son. Endeavour’s son “died”, exactly like this but Endeavour has no hesitate to burn another child who is exact same age as his children and who was abused just like his children.

This is exactly the reason that Endeavour looks like horrible villain while Shigaraki looks like hero.

It’s not just about Shigaraki, its about Endeavour. This is not the actions of the man who truly face what he did. The way Endeavour (and proheroes) treats towards Shigaraki is horrible.

Yeah, Shigaraki is someone who needs to be stopped, he is dangerous but heroes have every proof the confirm his victimhood but they completely ignore it and treats him as monster.

I understand that they lost friends and they need to be carefull but Aizawa...the teachers of ue students, the caretaker of Eri, the friend of Shirakumo...how can you blame Shigaraki for everything? For the sake of taking him down? Really? Shigaraki is no different from Eri and Shirakumo but he is the one who is blamed for everything. Even AFO or Ujiko werent treated like that.

People like AFO, Ujiko, hero comission, they kidnaps people, manipulate them, use them, turning them to a weapons for their own goals and they watch the show from far away. Their victims are the ones who are getting hurted and they get away it cause they are hiding behind of the stage. And proheroes only look at the stage, surface of the mountain.

The point here is i think we are not supposed to root for Endeavour or proheroes anymore, especially at this point cause everything changed and mixed.

3) Parallels between Characters;

a) Shigaraki and Eri;

Shigaraki and Eri have a lot of parallels but i am gonna talk a few parallels between them happenned in recent chapters.

They both chose to go to hell that created by their abusers cause they literally al they know, they are used to being hurt.

Heroes came for them. But to save Eri, destroy Shigaraki. Reason is Overhaul made weapons from Eri’s body but AFO turned Shigaraki to completely a weapon

They both needed to wrapped them. Mirio came and wrapp Eri up cause she was hurted, she needed to feel warm.

Meanwhile, heroes are not going to do this for Shigaraki so he does it by himself. The reason he stole hero cape is literally because he needed. He was cold and he needed to wrapped up.

b) Shigaraki and Pop;

This one is parallel between bnha and vigilantes.

They were both kidnapped. Tenko when he was young, Pop was kidnapped in a near time.

They are both brainwashed and victims of mad sciences.

They are both hurts people and harm things right now, there is something wrong with their head. Queen bee controls Pop’s head meanwhile Shigaraki’s abuser AFO (the man who is famious with how much he is good at manipulating people, the man who rebuild Shigaraki’s mindset since he was kid) literally controls him from inside.

We saw both Tenko and Pop’s real dream and memories with their family/ mother. They both still the same child in deep, despite what happenning to them or what they are doing rignt now. Despite everything, in deep they are still the same children who needs to be saved.

And Endeavour and proheroes fighting against them, instead of saving them. Not just fighting, they literally try to kill them.

I think in the end, Pop will be saved cause there are people wno knows her personally and wants to save her. But none of the hero side know Shigaraki personally, forget attempting to save him, they dont even see him as victim.

Just interesting details. I wrote it very randomly, there might be things i forgot to mention. For now, thats it.

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #4

4. Maggot Brain

I’m so grateful to have people around me that are willing to carry my pain as their own, I’m so out of love with myself but beginning to fill my soul with what I’ve been lacking.

it’s difficult, having undergone such a traumatic situation, spending years to convince myself this nightmare was nothing but a pigment of my imagination, but finally saying it out loud is a process I’m willing to go through. I might go as far as to say this could be about the bravest thing i could’ve done in this life. i wasn't the problem. it wasn't my fault. in no way am i responsible for my own rape.

abuse is never acceptable and i do not deserve it despite thinking I did for a majority of the short time I’ve walked the face of this earth; but neither does anyone and I mean anyone. Everyone responds differently to trauma, even worse when you’ve been gaslighted for so many years of your life that you doubt your own sanity, you blame yourself & you feel crazy- when really you’re just traumatised. I’ve been abused in every sense on multiple other occasions & now I’m scared, I’ve lived my life in fear; that’s why I speak up.

I still feel weak; it still eats away at my brain like a maggot-but I feel good about saying it, not guilty, not like my fault, just right. I would have weird triggers for years and have those triggers feel invalid or dumb. I would put all the abuse I’ve gone through into one category rather than separate the occasions because it made me feel disgusting amplified 4 times rather than just 1. My views became distorted, I became paranoid & began to watch a cycle of abusive manipulators enter my life & never stopped to question why, because I didn’t want to believe why or where this could’ve stemmed from. Until now, I didn’t want to connect the dots but I knew if I never did it might be too late, I’d lose the desire to address it & live, and the guilty would never be proved guilty. I feel really rude that i cant go back in time and save my younger self, how I let such a poison control me- but I still breathe, I still strut my feet, I keep moving. I’m still alive.

men can be bloody awful, but for once I want something that’s says, yes women can be bad too; more than just that-women can abuse men domestically too. in order to understand our present existence it all goes back to past environmental morals, principles & values. Unfortunately I can’t question or study my violators and I can’t sit and police anyone or talk about anyone else’s experiences or contributing factors as to why they are the way they are. I can only talk & direct this or let this be inspired by my experiences, I’ve been raped twice by two separate men on two separate occasions-excluding a covert narcissist I dated & my childhood abuser.

I have an element of personal pride yet sometimes I wonder if it’s an inherent part of my character that I taught myself to enjoy/ find happiness in solitude- or if it stems from feeling inescapably lonely in the first place.

-as a kid or teenager I would create alternative realities that I could go escape too because it was my coping mechanism..it sounds dumb to anyone who is has no deep escapism issues and isn’t affected by the ways of the world. i always wanted to make my own show or felt like it was up to me to write my own script because i didn’t understand what character i was assigned to be in the one on how to be a good girl and function normally in a shitty pedophilic infested rapey shan ass fuckin excuse of a society. lol i could only try maintain the front like the good girl i was. I knew from pretty young the script we were ‘supposed’ to follow was not all that, and eventually i began lusting to be as powerful as the people who overpowered me, but not in such a brutal way, still i was going to make them do what i wanted. in life i would have to slay some demonic reptiles that may come in my way (me thinking i’m a warrior) otherwise i would get eaten alive. yeah so i knew the script had a deeper meaning. real shady, conforming and sus. mines would be freeing, true and carefree.

so there’s obviously an awareness these realities aren’t real now but when you begin to look at life as a game, subconsciously even in adult hood, you take certain risks before putting the logical precautionary measures in place!! I always wish i could stay in line but i vowed to write my own script as soon as i got a pen licence in primary! sometimes i feel like its one of my personalities controlling that ‘i must control my destiny’ crap, however i literally do feel my brain split, i still ave my purpose and will achieve things, there’s just a time scale in my head which makes everything sticky. in most situations where i should be able to act with logic or just make a simple bloody decision, it’s kinda like the classic devil on ones shoulder with an angel on the other (in my head it’s more like fosters home for imaginary friends gang) we don’t always want to make the best decisions or know what is right.

anyhooOO sometimes good things come out of risky situations, sometimes you think you’ll get killed but it becomes all part of the game and you just hope you aren’t getting played and they haven’t been sent to ruin or test you. sometimes you get sent messiahs and griots, storytellers and healers. people are assigned symbols, memorable energies too will never be forgotten, be it aura colors or lucky numbers. anyways I live in my imaginatio still but apply some of that to my ‘reality’ whatever the fuck that is. I am baaaaad for ghosting but i want cuddles all the time when i’m not thinking about hitting my  head against a wall. i want to read a poetry book or some shit with someone in the grass and eat jackfruit! & not run away from my issues when things feel too intense. Although it’s never a boring time when I’m away off sites other than tumblr i do miss when i was once a good communicator, now I really do specifically enjoy the isolated factor. but then I wonder how to differentiate an ingrained love of solitude from an acquired ability to thrive off  loneliness. 

I have seriously learned from it but i don’t need to be nourished by it forever- i want intimacy and honest expression really.. ; i just don’t know to what extent being alone is simply just a form of escapism to recharge or because i have always been convinced by something inside me that i wasn’t the same as others. either way i built contentment residing on my lonesome.

i'm nowhere near recovery. but i'm opening up about it. i'm no longer terrified to talk about it with the close ones that know. i'm trying not to feel ashamed due to the effects my trauma still has today. when in doubt, i have people to go to. i plan to join one to one therapy to help me accept & overcome it after and if things ever go back to some kind of normal that my brain can adapt to. I plan to free myself from this bondage.

[problematic-camren]

But what does that make of us if we kill them? We are just like them although the reasons might be different though so.. plus what about those people with mental illness? Does that really excuse them from prison? I mean like you said, some just cant be ok and if we release them they’re might still be ‘crazy’

People with mental illness who kill or rape people should be put down. That’s my take on that. Less mouths to feed in prison, less resources used in their rehabilitation, and less worries about them victimizing people again.

It’s just how it is. To live and to sustain a healthy society, we have to weed out the bad ones. I’ll repeat again that this only applies to the repeat offenders of serious crimes: serial rapists, serial killers, pedophiles, killer psychopaths/sociopaths.

To answer your question as to whether that makes us basically the same as them (just with different reasons), my answer is, it doesn’t matter. We live to live.

We’re all animals, intellect and manners aside. Basically we’re just domesticated animals with intellect living in a pack – civilized people in a civilized society.

My point is, despite all of that, our nature is still animalistic. Yes, due to our intellect we have a moral obligation to act a certain way. To uphold ourselves in a civilized manner, blah blah. But what’s morality anyway?

Morality is just the general consensus of the ruling class of what they deem or suppose to be right or wrong in a current society or generation. It changes. Like for example, back in the day, women are expected to marry at 15 or so. Now, it’s a crime to even date kids under 18 if you’re an adult. It’s considered immoral. Homosexuality in Ancient Rome was considered normal, now our religion and society preaches that it’s immoral and that we’ll all burn in hell.

What I’m saying is, we all have different views in morality. For me, to live a moral life is to keep society safe and healthy. If it meant killing one sick mind to save future victims, I’d choose that. For the greater good (even this term “greater good” is not always clean and moral lmao – but it’s necessary).

People are dispensable, even I am dispensable. And I’m sure a lot of you will disagree and tell me that every life is precious and that we should love and nurture each other, but it’s my personal opinion. I think I’d rather sacrifice a couple of lives (lives wasted doing crimes) to clean this world up. We’re billions of people crawling all over the world, if it were up to me I’m ready for the next human extinction tbh. Fuck morality.

As I’ve said before, I’m not the person to ask about morality as taught in schools and church. Because I’m cynical and I don’t like people.

Again, this harsh view of mine only applies to the serious repeat offenders. I’m not that heartless.