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twilightknight17 · 3 months

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The Promised Day – Part 1

This time on P3R, I went on vacation and ran my way all the way to the ending. I’ve definitely got some thoughts, but one thing at a time.

First of all, spent a lot of time in Tartarus and managed to get a lot of significant high-level personas. Including Helel, Messiah, and my dearest husband. XD

I will say, I think it’s a little more impactful the way the movie handles Messiah. Fusing him in the moment at the top of the tower to go after Nyx is better from a story perspective? Like how you summon Satanael against Yaldabaoth.

I genuinely thought Messiah was a NG+ persona, but no. You can just fuse him. At least it’s still Orpheus and Thanatos.

I guess Orpheus Telos is NG+.

Anyway, time is moving, I’m trying to finish as many social links as I can even if I won’t get them all, and Mitsuru is doing her best to sabotage that by dragging me away from them. She has something important to tell me, because I am the leader and I need to know things?

Oh. She’s finally telling me that Chidori is alive.

She also has no idea how to tell Junpei the truth.

Good thing Junpei just overhears and runs off for the hospital, saving both of us from having to explain. XDDD

Because Chidori has gone through significant trauma and also “given up” her persona abilities to Junpei (which I guess is similar to what Yukino does in P2), she no longer remembers the Dark Hour. But her memories have a chance to come back, because she’s been dreaming about Junpei.

The explanation they give for why she was able to heal is that she had put a lot of her healing powers into the flowers Junpei brought her, so when the doctor placed all those flowers around her body, the healing power… returned to her, and brought her back to life?

It’s wobbly, but I’ll accept it. And I suppose that means that the deciding factor is whether you buy the flowers from Rafflesia and give them to Junpei. Otherwise this whole bit doesn’t happen.

This bit needs to happen.

I finished Maya’s link, and that was cute. I’m very curious, though, because you can’t actually be in a relationship with Maya. That was interesting, since I’m pretty sure you can date all the other girls. I know Maya’s situation is different, but like, there could have been a way to do it.

I also finished Keisuke and Mamoru’s links, which were nice. And Akinari’s, which, uh… First of all, depressing as hell. Second of all, I think his ghost was the one I was talking to. Like. How.

Off to Tartarus, and there’s another cat up here. HOW did you get to floor 250-something, kitty?

No wonder you’re sad! You’re so high up!

Also this area is wild. I like it a lot.

Liz gave me a quest to kill the Reaper, so I camped out on a floor and waited for him to show up, and it turned into a whole thing. Po was on vacation with me and was baking a cake, so midway through the fight, I took over beating egg whites by hand (because who knows what happened to the mixer?), and Po took the controller and was following orders.

I ran out of homunculi, so Junpei and Akihiko eventually started dying EVERY time the Reaper used Mamudoon. So I just left them down and relied on Koromaru, who is immune. Until Koromaru got hit with a fear ailment and ran away instead of using the healing item.

Po’s reaction was funny, though. Just a confused, “Is he coming back?”

So then it was Minato alone, cycling through Megidolaon, Diarahan, and Debilitate. And I swear, we were like three hits from killing it when it got a lucky critical with brave blade, knocked Mina down, and killed him.

At least in that time, the egg whites were appropriately stiff peaks. X’’D

So I went downstairs, went to the Velvet Room, fused Lucifer, went back upstairs, and hit the Reaper in the face with Armageddon.

Po’s reaction to that was fun, too. Yes, surprise, you can kill anything but Liz in one hit. With no consequences. Unless you happen to run into Phil and he can murder you dead with Armageddon R. XDDDD

And then, it was time for the end. SEES has realized that if they defeat Nyx, they might forget everything, just like if they’d killed Ryoji. But they’re not worried.

We will meet the day of graduation on the roof of the school.

Let’s rock.

There are a few floors between us and the top, and Jin is waiting partway up, while Takaya has gone ahead.

Heights like 3 floors up?

Jin is tricky, but not bad. I did have to go downstairs and get Liz to heal me after his fight. He did some damage, for sure.

We’re not killing you, god damn it.

The defeated Jin has some more details that SEES didn’t know.

Mitsuru is horrified, but considering Ikutsuki, I’m really not surprised. He seems like the sort to do human experiments on children. But I do have to wonder if the antique store lady knew what was going on. Yukari’s dad? I’m assuming this was before the bridge, mostly.

Also, if they were yoinking orphans, why didn’t they grab the kid who literally had Death sealed in him? There’s a fic concept there. I just need to refine it.

Anyway, SEES refuses to kill Jin, shadows start spawning in, and Jin won’t come with them, either.

He blows himself up before they can kill him.

On floor 263, we find the last room before the roof, and it’s cool.

Takaya is here, and he’s fully in apocalypse prophet mode.

He’s also extremely dismissive of Mitsuru. Which… I get being pissed at the people who hurt you, but Mitsuru had nothing to do with any of that. She was like… eight.

Whatever, dude. We’re still not going to let the world end. Let’s go.

Takaya and Jin are both not good to use Armageddon on because they have forced dialogue. So you can’t womp them in one go. The dialogue is good stuff, though.

Takaya and Mina are great foils. The false messiah and the real one, standing against each other embodying the will to live and the desire to die.

Also Takaya has a move that steals all your MP, and his own theurgy. It’s awesome.

But eventually, he goes down, and he stays down.

Don’t worry, he’s just unconscious. He’ll be fine.

Assuming we don’t die.

One staircase left.

#Li plays P3Re

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performing-personhood · 5 months

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In which I do a thing that my CPTSD insists is terrifying dangerous, which turns out to be none of those things and I move 0.5" closer to being a functional adult human person.

I decided to tell my partner "I didn't get enough time with you this weekend and it made me feel really sad" instead of doing what I am trained to do naturally, which is to let that feeling fester for two weeks until I forget I was sad for a reason and it spirals into a full-blown depressive episode.

I was sad and freaked out literally the entire day. My CPTSD convinced me that the very moment I made any sort of indication that his behavior negatively effected me, he'd have some kind of narcissistic collapse event and I'd end up apologizing to him just to stop the cascading emotional reaction and free myself from the situation. (TL,DR cptsd convinced me that my partner would magically transform into my abuser.) Like I found a dozen ways to apply that conclusion to different approaches and scenarios. I was so convinced I was gonna trigger an argument.

But the theme for 2024 is Do It Scared.

Somewhere from the very back of the frothing mob of anxiety, a teeny-tiny voice of reason insisted "just tell him you're sad and why, no matter what happens it's still the right thing to do."

So that's what I did. In that precious 45m-to-1hr between when I get home from work and when my partner climbs back into bed, the Correct Moment arrived and with a flash of white-hot fear, I brought it up.

Chat, you wanna guess what happened?

"Before you went to work, were you upset or were you mad at me about something?" The question is devoid of hidden agendas, his tone is probative and genuine.

"I was just sad," I said, with the same ambient anxiety level as a bomb technician diffusing a roadside IED. I bravely fiddle with my cigarette. "Because I miss you. I didn't get much time with you this weekend. Only a couple good hours."

"I know," he said. His aura blueshifts, he makes eye contact. "I'm sorry."

And that was it. That's what happened.

And that's what should have happened.

And that's what was always going to happen.

Because I'm safe now and have been for quite some time.

CPTSD has no concept of linear time. CPTSD is an overactive immune system, attacking anything that might look like the threat that took you out last time, because remember that one time you thought you were safe and weren't really maybe this time will be the same we musn't be so hasty. This is the part of recovery nothing prepares you for; The retraining bit, the rote learning. If we do it enough, eventually the immune system will learn that statistically the odds have shifted. We have to live through the scary parts and arrive at the anticlimax, over and over again, until our instincts change to match. Until our bones know, too, that "we're safe now."

#actually cptsd #living with cptsd #cptsd recovery #just cptsd things #trauma support #trauma survivor #trauma recovery #abuse recovery #recovering codependent

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transmalewife · 2 years

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I don't think I fully have a conclusion to this yet, but if I don't write this post while the experience is still somewhat fresh in my mind, I never will, so here goes.

I was never *very* fat, let's say. I didn't have the kind of body you probably imagine when you think of plus size afabs (in huge part because plus size models don't actually look like that either and wear padding to achieve the same unrealistic beauty standards just sized up, but that's a discussion for another day.) I've always had narrow hips and bony shoulders, and I put on muscle quite easily, so when I was a kid and still able to exercise, before all my chronic illnesses hit me like a pile of bricks in my late teens, I looked like this: Long, slender limbs sticking out of a rectangular torso with a fat belly and unreasonably massive tits. Even later, I only ever hovered somewhere around the "noticably bigger than average" mark.

I take the time to explain that not as some sort of weird flex or trying to distance myself from the "real" fatties, but to acknowledge that I only ever got a small taste of the fatphobia experience. But still, it was always a thing. I got bullied and mocked for it as a kid, by classmates and family. I was made to hate and feel ashamed of how my body looked, forced onto diets for as long as i can remember. developed at least disordered patterns of eating because of it. I had trouble finding clothing that fit me, especially bras. There was only one store I could find that carried my size and at times in my life i outgrew their sizing too. It ruined my posture, both mechanically, simply because the entire weight of my chest, unsupported by a properly fitting bra, hung from my neck, and indirectly, because I'd slouch to hide it. One time I literally got laughed out of a store by the staff after asking for something in my size.

So I grew up being constantly told, directly to my face by people I knew, and indirectly by media, that I was fat, and that it was a bad thing. and not just by itself, or because of health (though that was certainly often used as an excuse) but specifically because it made me ugly. and as we all know, a girl's greatest failure is to look ugly. I was lucky enough to stumble on body positivity very early, and I moved past that by myself, accepting my body how it was, understanding that beating myself up about how it looked would only lead to more suffering, that dieting doesn't work, and that the road to health cannot be paved by insecurities and shame. it took me half a decade after that to understand why the one part of my body I couldn't make peace with was my chest, despite accepting every other stretch mark and fold, because I simply had dysphoria.

It's a complicated place to live in, psychologically. Big tits are supposed to be hot, but in reality, if they make you look fat, if they don't sit on top of an hourglass figure and aren't pushed up to oblivion all the time, they're just more kilograms of fat you can be made to feel guilty about. You're punished for not being feminine, because you have to be pretty to be feminine, and to be fat is to be ugly. but big tits are supposed to be the compromise you get, feminine by default. you're supposed to appreciate that, but I didn't. I hated it because I don't want to be feminine in the first place because I am not a woman.

I got top surgery last year. Started wearing binders regularly two years before that (and coincidentally lost a lot of weight because I moved to a place where I could stop eating things I'm allergic to). And people's perception of me did change, but not how you'd expect. I wasn't seen as more masculine with a flat chest, at least not by everyone. I'm now seen as skinny, therefore pretty, therefore feminine. People who don't know I got top surgery, or before, didn't know I was binding, tell me how beautiful and feminine I look since I 'lost weight'. Even those who do know, and try to respect that I'm trans don't tell me "wow you look like a boy who's never been to the gym in his entire life", they tell me "you now have the figure of a supermodel" with the feminine suffix in our language.

I was at the thinnest I've been in a long time around my surgery, out of stress and exhaustion, and I've since gained enough weight to surpass what I weighed with my tits then, (because of a bunch of unrelated medical stuff) and yet no one has made a comment on it. Family members who used to point out and criticize every bit of extra fat i'd put on, supposedly because they worried for my health, now don't notice it at all, or even praise the way I look. (This isn't the same, but feels similar to when those same people praised how i look when I lost an unhealthy amount of weight in a short time because I was severely ill.) Strangers on the street look at me differently. Sometimes they call me slurs for gay men, but most often they adress me as ma'am and are nicer than they were when they saw me as fat. "Women's" clothing fits me better than it did before.

skinniness is so strongly weaved into our cultural vision of beauty and beauty is so inseparably tied to femininity, that literally getting masculinizing surgery can make you look more like a woman. Being fat in many ways excludes you from gendered society. Fat men and women both gravitate to neutral t shirts and pants because it's often all they can get that fits them. Fat women are seen as more masculine because society deems them ugly and fat men as more feminine because round, soft bodies are considered 'effeminate' (it's a bit more complicated here since skinny men, as in those that don't have much muscle, are also seen as more feminine, though women so skinny they look angular instead of curvy, as is expected of them, also get told they look like boys. there's many layers to all this.).

Performing any gender to society's satisfaction is harder when you're fat, because neither dresses nor suits are easy to find in those sizes, let alone binders that actually work or, I imagine, gaff underwear. the general image society has of a nonbinary person, while newer, is also usually 'thin to the point of androgyny'. The beauty standards that we are forced to conform to or be ostracised are so rigid, and weight is such a crucial component of them, and we need to talk more about the damaging and often unexpected ways they intersect with queer presentations and trans bodies.

#eating disorder tw #vomit tw #fatphobia #trans #mine.#this is absolutely not me saying i regret top surgery because my mean aunt told me i look thinner btw. I don't regret it for any reason #and if anything part of me likes those reactions too because I am not immune to internalized fatphobia #i need a queue tag

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c-is-for-circinate · 3 years

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Wait, isn't "anti" stuff more like "anti-pedophilia" and stuff? Like, you have a point about anti-porn attitudes, but from what I've heard just "anti" on its own means against stuff like kid porn and incest porn and legitimately f*cked up sh*t like that.

Okay! So this, I think, is actually a great example of what I was talking about, and a really useful thing to understand. (CW rape, child abuse, etc)

Smarter people than me have written much better essays about why policing thoughtcrimes is a bad road to go down, and I will probably reblog some of them next time they cross my dash for more context. What I want to talk about is the trigger mechanism, the ‘oh, this looks like danger!!!’ immune response in how we look at different kinds of porn, and how that applies to anti culture.

Here’s the thing: I am anti-pedophilia. I think that, for most people, that’s a stance that largely goes without saying! Adults who prey on children are bad. I’m also against incest; relatives who prey on their family members are bad. Above all I oppose rape. Sexual predation of any kind is bad. In fact, I’d say that’s the most important item on the list. There is plenty of room to argue about where the lines are between ‘adult’ and ‘child’ and how teenagers fit in the middle, and there’s plenty of room to get historical about the lines between ethically terrible incest, distasteful-but-bearable “aristocratic inbreeding” between distant cousins, and the kind of consanguinity that tends to develop in a small town where everyone’s vaguely related to everyone else by now anyway. The core of the issue is consent, and it has always been consent. Pedophilia and incest are horrific because they are rape scenarios where the abuser has far more power and their victim far fewer resources to cope, both practically and emotionally; because harm to children is, to us as a culture, worse than harm to adults, for a lot of very valid reasons; and because they constitute betrayal of trust the victim should have been able to put in their abuser as well as rape--but they are all rape scenarios, and that’s why they’re awful.

These things are bad. It is good for us to have a social immune response system that recognizes these things when they’re happening and insists we step in. That is a good thing to develop! It helps us, as a society. It can help the people being victimized. It’s the same reason educators and childcare workers in the US are all mandated reporters, why we do background checks on people working near kids. These things happen, and they’re terrible, and it’s good that we try to be aware and prepared for them. (Though obviously studies show we’re a lot less good at protecting the vulnerable than we’d like to pretend we are.)

The question is: why does that same social immune response trigger, and trigger so angrily, in response to fiction?

Anti culture is fundamentally an expression of that social immune response. Specifically, it’s that social immune response when it is set off by a situation that, while it has some similarities to the very bad real-life crime of sexual predation including pedophilia and incest, is in and of itself harmless.

If you’re instinct is to flare up in anger or dismissiveness because I’m calling these things harmless, I want to ask you to just take a deep breath and bear with me for a bit longer. What you’re feeling right now is an allergic reaction.

Humans tell and read and listen to stories about “legitimately fucked up shit” all the time. It’s part of the human condition. It’s part of how we process those things happening, not just to use, but to other people in the world around us. It’s part of how we process completely unrelated fucked-up shit, playing with fears and furies and insecurities that we all have, through so may layers of fiction that we don’t even recognize them any more, playing with power dynamics in metaphor and making characters suffer for fun. Aside from the fact that literally all stories do this to some extent or another; aside from the fact that drawing lines between ‘ok that’s good storytelling’ and ‘that’s too fucked-up to write about’ is arbitrary, subjective, and dangerous in its own right; aside from all of that, these stories are stories. All of them.

Even the ones about rape, about incest, about pedophilia. They’re words on a page. No real children were harmed, touched, or even glanced at in the making of this work of fiction. This story, pornographic though it may be, is part of a conversation between consenting adults. (And if a teenager lies about their age to consent, that is a different problem altogether.)

Stories in and of themselves, no matter what they’re about, are no more dangerous than a crate full of oranges. Which is to say: utterly harmless, unless all you have to eat is oranges, all day every day, and you find yourself dying slowly of nutrient deficiency--which is why representation matters. Or unless someone wields one deliberately, violently, as a tool to cause harm, and someone gets acid in their eye--which is the fault of the person holding the orange. And unless you happen to be allergic to citrus.

The key here is this twofold understanding: First, the thing that hurts you can also have value to others. Real, legitimate value. Whether you’ve undergone trauma and certain story elements are straight-up PTSD triggers or you just don’t like orange juice, that story, those tropes, that crate of oranges may be somewhere between icky and fundamentally abhorrent--but we understand that that is still your reaction. Even if you don’t understand how anybody could ever enjoy it; even if every single person you surround yourself with is as sensitive and disgusted and itchy about this thing that makes your eyes hurt and your throat stop working as you; that doesn’t make it true for everyone. That doesn’t make oranges poisonous. No real children were involved in the writing of this story. It is words on a page.

But, secondly: the thing that has value to others can also hurt you. Just because a story isn’t inherently poison doesn’t mean it can’t cause you, personally, pain. That’s what a PTSD trigger is: an allergic reaction, psychological anaphylaxis, a brain that’s trying so hard to protect its own from a threat that isn’t actually present (but was once, and the brain is trained to respond) that it causes far more harm and misery than the trigger itself possibly could. And no, it’s not just people with PTSD who sometimes get hurt by stories. There are many, many ways a story can poke the part of your brain that says, this is Bad, I don’t like this, I don’t want to be here. The story is still, always, every time, pixels on a screen and ink on paper. The story causes no physical harm. But it can poke your brain into misery, it can stir up your emotions, it can make you want to cringe and run away. It can make you want to scream and fight and go after the author who brought this thing into existence. It can make you hurt.

This is an allergic reaction. This is your brain and body, your reflexes and instincts, trying to protect you from something that isn’t really happening. And just like a literal allergic reaction, it can do actual harm to you if it gets set off. This is real. The fact that stories can upset you to the point of pain and mental/emotional injury is real, even though it’s coming from your own brain and not the story itself. There are stories you shouldn’t read. There are stories I shouldn’t read, regret reading, will never read, because they hurt me. That doesn’t mean they’re the same stories that would hurt you. That doesn’t mean they don’t have value.

And, finally:

If getting upset about stories is fundamentally an individual person’s allergic reaction, their brain freaking out and firing off painful survival instincts in the face of a thing that isn’t, in and of itself, a threat? Then the anti movement is a cultural allergic reaction.

Fandom as a whole has a pretty active immune system, which doesn’t mean we have a good immune system. We try very hard to be aware of all the viruses and -isms and abuse and manipulation and cruelty, both systematic and individual, that exists around and within our community. We’re primed and ready to shout about things at all times. The anti movement is that system, that culture, screaming and shouting and fighting at a harmless thing on a grand scale. It wants to stop that thing, that scary awful thing that trips all of its well-primed danger sensors, at all costs. It’ll swell up and block off our airways (our archives) if it has to. It’ll turn on the body it came from. It’s scared and protective and trying to fight, and it’s ready to fight and destroy itself.

Luckily, fans and fanfic and fandom and fan culture are a lot bigger and older than they often get credit for, and it’s not like these cultural allergies are anything new. We could talk about shippers and slashers in the X-Files fandom in the 90s. We could talk about the birth of fandom in the days of Star Trek. We could talk about censorship and book burning going back centuries. We survived that and we’ll survive this, too.

But god, does the anti movement my throat and eyes itch. Man is it irritating, and sometimes a little suffocating, to realize how many stories just aren’t getting told out of fear of what the antis will say. And that’s the real danger, I think. What are we losing that would have so much value to someone? What are we missing out?

#fandom #anti culture #anti-anti #I guess?#asked and answered #you are not WRONG or BAD or BROKEN if a story hurt you #but neither is the story #Anonymous #anti discourse day

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witch-hazels-musings · 3 years

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Until you are safe

Warning: Vision Hunt Decree still in effect, kidnapped themes, reader grabbed by hair (Thoma), possessive themes (scara)

Character X GN Reader | Anthology

Includes: Albedo, Scara, Thoma, Zhongli

Albedo

The frosty chill of the mountain side was more than you could bear. Every time you thought you gained warmth it was ripped from your body by icy hands threatening to drive you insane. You shivered and wrapped your coat further around your body while you scowled against the frigid cold.

Ahead of you stood Albedo who seemed indifferent to the temperature and while you were impressed that he knew how to handle this without any complaints, you were also irritated by the fact. He was barely wearing anything and here you were shivering under countless layers of cloth.

He turned to tell you something but with the turbulent winds and nibbling frost against your ears, you didn’t understand a single word he said. Quickly, you forced your legs to move as you made your way to his side.

“W-w-what di-did you s-say?” Your chattering teeth made it hard, and painful, to speak but you did your best anyway.

“We are nearly there, can you keep going?” He narrowed his eyes at you but you knew that was a common thing he did. It was unlikely to have any additional meaning behind it.

“H-how f-f-f-ar?”

“Just around the bend.” He rested the back of his hand against your cheek and somehow that made you shiver even more than the touch of frost. When you nodded and began to walk forward, he took up position behind you and directed you toward the camp.

With the cave blocking out the wind, and several warming mechanisms already glowing, you stumbled your way in between them an the fire. Trembling hands extended toward the orange and yellow light while you watched the snow drip from your clothes.

“I always h-hat-te this p-p-part.” You complained, shaking your head and shoulders to warm up the muscles. This wasn’t the first time you traveled to Dragonspine with Albedo, but each time you braved the conditions you recalled the promise you made yourself last time. Never again, well ... I guess that promise was made to be broken.

“Here, this will help warm you.” He handed you a cup and immediately you caught the scent of fresh and soothing tea. The aroma itself perked you up and even though your fingers were still stiff, you graciously took the offering. Warmth seeped into your throat as the liquid carved a path down your esophagus and into the pit of your baron stomach. With a refreshing hum you smiled through the steam.

“P-p-perfect. Thank-k y-you.” Another sip warmed your lips and tickled your nose but you didn’t dare stop.

“This trip should be less strenuous than last time.” Albedo began, his back turned to you as he rummaged through the stacks of books. “Where did I place that ... perhaps it got caught in the wind, that would be unfortunate.”

You giggled, eyes watching him meander and speak to himself all at the same time. He had a habit of doing it but it never bothered you, in fact it was comforting to hear his voice, stabilizing, grounding.

“You ca-can head out. I’ll b-be fine here after I w-warm up-p.” The shivering had eased, but you still succumbed to the residual affects as your body began to shift from frozen to thawed.

“No need, I can wait here for a while.”

“Haha, that’s silly, g-go on ahead.” You took another sip of the cup and found yourself sad at the emptiness of it. That’s when a hand entered your field of vision and you watched Albedo walk toward a table, refill your drink, and return to your side. He offered it to you and when your fingers found the circumference his nestled against them.

“Until I know you are safe, I will be here.” His eyes held your own for a while as if waiting for your reaction, your response, and when you nodded he mimicked your action before slipping back toward the bookshelves and research table.

You were glad he left you, because if he hadn’t you were sure the only way to cool down was to step beyond the barrier of the cave and into the never-ending snowstorm that protected Dragonspine.

Scara

Being at the side of a Harbinger had it’s own trials. If it wasn’t the constant movement between assignments or the threats against your life, it was the loneliness which creeped in every single day. There were some Harbingers who left the life of love far outside of their reach: Signora, who vowed to never love again and instead put all her attention into fulfilling her duty, Childe, found love a difficult thing to ignore and did his best to keep what he cherished hidden behind closed doors.

Scara, he never understood the meaning of the word until it crashed around him like a house crumbles into itself, and the way he kept his belongings safe was to have them near him at all times. It was far better to be under the watchful eyes of his competence than leave something so valuable in the hands of another. So, here you were, following him around and staying hidden until he called for you.

The room was empty, absent of all the things you would have normally kept to make this place more homey. If you could get away with it, you’d have made some changes to the décor, but the problem with never settling in one place for long made this desire of yours difficult to accomplish. It wasn’t feasible, you thought to yourself but that didn’t stop you from adding a bit of comfort when you could.

The night came and went without issue and after you prepared yourself for bed you wondered where your lover was. Was he succeeding, was he accomplishing his goals, would he return to you tonight or would you wake up alone yet again. Luckily for you, you had learn to be patient.

Your dreams kept you occupied but there seemed to be something about them that pulled you toward consciousness, a subtle wish drifting across your imagines to wake up.

Something brushed across your cheek, but was it the dream or reality, you couldn’t tell. Gravity pulled you close to something sturdy, but was it a creation of your imagination or the real thing - why was this so challenging. When your eyes finally opened and adjusted to the light of the room, you realized what had been calling to you.

“Scara?” You pulled your hand down from behind the pillow, the muscles tense from being locked into that position for so long. “What has-”

“Go back to sleep.” He spoke and the sound of his voice pulled you closer to him.

“Is everything okay?” You continued your question as if what he said was never uttered, your eyes trying to find the outline of his frame while your skin adjusted to his touch.

“Nothing to concern yourself with, just sleep.”

“But, why are you here?

“I don’t recall needing your permission to do anything.” His words may have been direct, but you could sense there was something else behind them.

“... would you ... like to come to bed?”

“I can’t.” He adjusted and you felt the warmth of the blankets cover more of your exposed skin. The chill of the evening became blocked by the sheets and you hummed in response. You were confused, but the feeling of his hand running along your neck, your jaw, and into your hair made all the questions you had disappear. Moments like these brought out something completely different in the Harbinger and you wondered why he treated you so differently.

With a yawn, you turned into his touch, lips finding the palm of his hand easily and placing a tender kiss against his skin. “You don’t need to stay if you have work to do. I’ll be fine.” You hummed again as he thumb ran over your lips and the gentle pull of sleep began to find you. It was quiet for a while and you focused on the warmth, the closeness, the comfort he provided until you practically melted into the bed.

“I can’t do that either.” Scara whispered, hand pressing into the mattress as he leaned closer to your face. “Not until you are safe,” He breathed in your scent, gazing down at your trusting form beneath him. “Even from me.” He spoke as his fingers curled into the sheets and before he lost himself in you, he slipped from your bedroom and made his way down the hall.

Thoma

He ran so fast as soon as the news reached him. The weight of his feet as he dashed through the countryside grew with every passing second but there was nothing more painful than his clenching heart and anxious thoughts.

What have they done, am I to late, please don’t be too late. He wracked his brain over and over again, blamed himself for the stupidity of leaving you. If he had been there would the outcome be different? If he had stayed, would he have been able to fend off their attack enough to get you to safety. How foolish of him for thinking they wouldn’t use dirty tricks like this to accomplish their goals.

Rumors and intel began to swirl like wildfire and at this point he couldn’t differentiate the accuracy of it all. There was one thing he knew for certain, the vision hunters had you and he was going to get you back.

Their campsite was simple and you wondered if they would really be able to escort all of these prisoners back to the city on their own. They were intimidating enough to keep most insurrection at bay, but you were not about to let them get away with this. After a quick analysis of your surroundings, you found a few potential options worth trying, now it was only a matter of timing.

“You won’t get away with this!” Someone shouted next to you and you patiently waited for an opportunity.

“Shut up.” A soldier barked, his dismissive attitude apparent from the lack of eye contact and the wave of his hand.

“This is wrong and you know it! Do you think you’re immune to the decree, when the day come to hand over your vision will you?!”

The soldier turned and made his way through the trembling captured, you used the scuffling of those trying to get out of his way as an excuse to move closer to your escape. The dirt scraped against your bound hands and pulled at your clothes, but you didn’t care because each inch you gained the closer you got to freedom.

You watched the soldier lift the woman from the ground, his impressive height apparent as she dangled above the well worn soil. “I will do what is necessary for the Raiden Shogun. I am bound by honor, unlike the resistance.”

“Honor! You know nothing of it. Put me down you brute.” She spat in his face and he reacted in kind. You hated the fact that you were using her as your distraction, but hopefully if this all worked out in the end freedom would be enough compensation for her bruised face. Your fingers brushed against a metal handle, the sword you were aiming for had been reached and you quickly worked to get yourself free from the bindings.

The loosening rope told you of your success but when your hand wrapped around the hilt of the weapon and you moved to stand, a sudden pain against your head made your vision go blurry.

“What do you think you are doing?!” Shouted a voice near your ear. They were so loud that you shrunk away from it only to be yanked right back. “You think you could take on all of us? Are you stupid.”

“I didn’t think so.” You wheezed, blinking harshly to try and bring your vision back to clarity.

“Well let me help you understand.” He drug you away from the group but before you could take but a few steps, an intense groan blasted it’s way near you and the hand that held your hair fell away in an instant.

“Are you alright?” A familiar voice asked, hands finding your waist to steady you. It was like your eyes snapped back on because as soon as you turned your head, you found Thoma standing their with an expression you’d never seen before: fury.

“I’m - ouch - okay.” You whispered and then you realized the implications of him being there. Turning, you pressed your hands against his chest and pushed against him, your voice turned tense as you shouted. “Ge-get out of here! What if they catch you!?”

“I’m not leaving.”

“Thoma!”

He looked down at you, his arm tightening around you and you swore the world shifted red and the screaming soldiers shouts became muffled. “Until I know you are safe, I’m not leaving.” He looked forward and the glint of his polearm caught your attention. “Now hold on, okay.”

The dry landscape turned into a wildfire until only what Thoma wanted to remain, remained.

Zhongli

“This is very kind of you, Zhongli. To walk me home.” You chuckled, gazing up at him as you made your way down the path and toward the city. It wasn’t uncommon for Zhongli to escort you from place to place, but tonight you would have assumed he would stay on the Pearl and continue his lively conversation.

“It is no trouble at all, to allow you to walk by yourself would not sit well with me.” Zhongli commented matter-of-factly, his eyes closing as he nodded his head and gazed up toward the stars.

“You were having such a nice time, know that I didn’t mean to bring that too a close.” You scratched your forehead and adjusted your clothes after climbing the stairs from the docks. It was a rather pleasant night, but it usually was in Liyue this time of year.

“I would never insinuate you had ill intentions. I made this decision on my own, to escort you is no trouble at all.”

“Yes, well, that’s very kind of you Zhongli.” The lights of the festival swayed in the wind. To you they looked like fireflies in the sky, but that was such a silly thought you kept it to yourself. “I think I can manage on my own, if you want to go back?”

“Nonsense, I will stay until I know you are safe.” He glanced down at you and offered you a smile, one that spoke true and gave you the impression of ‘I will not be swayed.’

“Well, thank you.” You turned away from him in hopes that he wouldn’t notice the embarrassment you were sure shined in your eyes and flashed across your expression. How can someone so regal find your company enjoyable at all - but Zhongli was so kind to anyone you fought against your better judgement to believe this gesture was more than common courtesy of a gentleman.

“It is my pleasure. Did you have an enjoyable time?” He asked, head examining the city streets and decorations as you had earlier.

“Oh yes! Thank you for inviting me, I’ve never attended something so high class.” You fussed at your outfit again, it was apparent you weren’t used to wearing something like this but you did your best to fit in and not insult the guest who invited you to join him.

“I am delighted to hear. It is far better to enjoy ones time when in company you relish, don’t you agree?”

“Absolutely!” For a while, the two of you discussed the highlights and lowlights of the gathering. The sound of your laughter and excitement caught the attention of late night patrons, but you didn’t mind because it also caught the attention of the one you wanted the most.

It wasn’t until you neared your home that the conversation began to drift. Your heart was sad that the night was coming to a close but responsibilities held you to a tight schedule, even if you felt the itch to break them.

“Thank you again, Zhongli. This night will be one I remember for a while.” Your nails had received a break all evening, but, now that you were about to be alone, they felt the dig of your nervous habits once again.

“It was my pleasure, it is always a gift to spend the evening with you.” He bowed, his long hair slipping over his shoulder at the motion.

“I tend to agree with you.” Chuckling, you moved to unlock your door and when you looked back to Zhongli, his face was illuminated by the sparkling lanterns and yellow glow of the city. No matter what he did he radiated colors you’d never fully understand.

“Liyue has many festivals,” He began, his tone wistful, “though I must say the ones where lanterns adorn the city are my favorite. Do you not think they look like fireflies in the distance?” He asked, gazing up at a few that dangled across the bridges and walkways that lined the city.

“Yeah, actually I do.” You whispered as your eyes fell onto the man you loved so much it hurt to look at him, but, if it meant you could capture even a hint of his existence in your memory, you would happily suffer this pain.

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onceupona-chaos · 3 years

Text

Sarah said recently that she likes writing stories about disliked characters, which makes sense considering how long Nesta was hated (really long).

With that in mind, every time I reread ACOSF, I have the feeling Sarah was deliberately talking to the readers about Elain.

"Elain is boring"

You think Elain is boring?

I think she's kind, I'll take kindness over nastiness any day. But I also think we haven't seen all she has to offer yet.

"Elain doesn't have what it takes"

“Including Elain, who is more than capable of defending herself against the darkness of the Trove, if she chooses to. Don’t underestimate her.

"How will she get a book? All she does is gardening, she's better off doing that"

“Shall I tend to my little garden forever?”

“You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”

"Sarah will have a hard time to make me like her"

We'll see a different side of her emerge.

Maybe you’ll become interesting at last, Elain.

"Nesta was by her side for weeks, she's ungrateful"

I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow all you think of is what my trauma did to you.”

Elain was right. We’ve become so focused on how her trauma impacted us that we forget she was the one who experienced it.

"She doesn't even care about Nesta"

You have your lives, and I have mine, she’d said to Elain last Winter Solstice. She’d known how deeply it would wound her sister.

She’d passed her sister in the bustling market square they called the Palace of Bone and Salt, and though Elain had halted, no doubt intending to speak to her, Nesta had kept walking. Hadn’t looked back before vanishing into the throng.

And plucked the cerulean-and-cream scarf Elain had given her for her birthday this spring off the hook on the wall.

She’d been as riveted as Feyre to hear Cassian tell of it: first of Nesta and the others’ interest.

I’m happy that Nesta finds interest in something again.

"But what would she even do?"

Elain spoke from the doorway, having appeared so silently that they all twisted toward her, “Using me.”

I think she’s got you beat for secret-keeping.

She scanned Elain from head to toe, wondering if she’d been taking lessons in stealth either from Azriel or the two half-wraiths she called friends.

And because you are Made by it, you are immune to the influence and power of the Trove. You might use them, yes, but they cannot be used upon you.” A glance to Elain. “Either of you."

and Elain, with whatever powers she has—is here.

All three sisters blessed by fate and gifted with powers to match your own.

All three sisters were now High Fae with considerable powers, though only Feyre’s were let loose. (And now Nesta's, which means...)

"She can't even make her own decisions"

Elain remained in the doorway, her face pale but her expression harder than Nesta had ever seen it. “You do not decide what I can and cannot do, Nesta."

Elain cut in sharply, “I am not a child to be fought over."

Elain said, “Then I will find it. I might require some time to … reacquaint myself with my powers, but I could start today.”

"She doesn't belong to the night court, Cassian said it"

When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court—and would do whatever was needed.

*Sight* I could go on and on but I have a limit of how many of those comments I can read.

Sarah probably knew what kind of reaction to expect, since she already experienced that with Nesta. If Nesta was hated, why wouldn't Elain?

But also, if Nesta surprised us, why wouldn't Elain surprise us as well?

Elain is an Archeron, do you really think Sarah wouldn't write her a journey just like she did with Nesta and Feyre?

Therefore, SJM made herself clear in ACOSF, by contradicting every hateful comment towards Elain. So, we are going to see another side of Elain - and be surprised af.

#elain archeron #pro elain #pro archeron sisters #pro elain archeron

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sunshineandcybertronians · 3 years

Text

Make Your Choice - Megatron x reader x Starscream (TFP)

Word count: 2,621 Warnings: angst, conflicting feelings, major character death A/n: Finished this in one day 9/21/19 at 11:01 PM (holy heck, that was a long time ago). I read pages 140-144 in Transformers Exodus. I never thought I’d write something that’s even slightly Megatron x reader, but here I am. But this oneshot turned out good.

"Where is he?" You searched the dark corridor of Nemesis for a friend.

As a Decepticon you served under Megatron, and Starscream at times. You were lucky enough to be close to both of them. Although Decepticons would never admit to having friends, you called them this secretly.

You were kind to everyone, even those you didn't know. It hurt you to think of anyone in pain. The majority of the Decepticons knew this, and it was miraculously pardoned thus you were given tasks that required no violence. Perhaps it was your soft words and consideration that made this so, finding a soft spot in the seemingly merciless Megatron. Starscream also respected this when he was in control for about three years.

It was very possible someone would question why you were a Decepticon with your nature being closer to an Autobot. This had occurred to you before, but you hoped to change the Decepticons. If everyone who was good left the Decepticons, there would be no chance of changing it to good in the future. Plus, most of your friends were on that side.

You looked through a doorway, he wasn't there either. "Where are you, Starscream?" You whispered to yourself. Well, you said friend earlier, but recently your feelings for him were becoming a little... different.

Since you finished some work sooner than you presumed, you now had free time that you intended to spend it with Starscream. Upon coming to a T in the halls, you paused to think of a plan. Snapping your fingers, you rushed in the direction of the medbay, to not waste another second of your time. Maybe Knockout knew where he was. Out of everyone he was the second closest to the second in command. While jogging, you remembered when you first started to develop feely for him.

Despite the fact you were kind-sparked, this didn't mean that you were not immune to frustration. At the point of time Megatron had just left on his journey through space, Starscream attacked a vehicon because he was dissatisfied with their lack of progress. For no good reason, out of anger.

"Hey!" You had barked at him, startling both him and the vehicons. "Don't do that. They did nothing to you."

He examined you with his red optics. A snarl and an un-amused expression decorated his faceplate as his tilted his helm back. Releasing the vehicon whilst shoving him away, he shifted his attention to you. He approached you, in attempt to intimidate you.

Your held your ground.

"And I believe you should be reminded of your place. You are a subordinate, who doesn't even have the fuel tank to draw energon. You don't tell me what to do."

"No! You listen!" When his servos flinched, you stepped forward to grab them to prevent him from attacking you. You shoved your faceplate near his, with barely any space apart. "They're on the same side as you. Don't hurt people for no reason. It's not nice." After your anger faded, you realized how close your face was. Energon rushed through you.

He smirked, which didn't help your flustered look. "Are you blushing, little femme?"

"No!" You stepped away.

You thought a little more and decided you wanted to clear something up before you left. "But you are a good leader. You just need to avoid letting your anger get the best of you. If you make emotional decisions, you might mess up your chance to succeed, like I know you can."

Shock filled his expression, his optics widening and eyebrows lifting at the thought you actually believed in him. He quickly regained his senses. "You mean like you did just now?" He showed teeth while displaying the irony.

You pursed your lips and averted your gaze to the ground. "Yes. Just like that," you mumbled.

And strangely enough, after that you had become very good friends with him and would have many conversations with him. Knockout would occasionally tease you for it.

Another example was before leaving Cybertron, when Megatron first learned of Dark Energon (unbeknownst to you and Megatron at the time, Starscream already knew of it long before and was attempting to learn more). He privately admitted to you, something you found shocking at the time, that he knew it was unwise to use the Dark Energon due to its unknown and most likely dangerous properties. Yet he felt it necessary to end the war. He, the gladiator, was tired of fighting. It nearly melted your spark and made you want to hug him in order to make him feel better. Then he said that maybe he would finally defeat the "treacherous Optimus Prime," which then caused you to want to call him an idiot since you knew Optimus never betrayed Megatron.

You had mixed emotions like that. If you wanted someone to be the best version of themselves and to be their friend, their flaws and evil mistakes made you upset for that same reason. This mostly fell under your emotions about Megatron or Starscream.

Your thoughts were put to an end when you reached your destination. Without missing a beat, you opened the door and marched right in.

"(Y/n)! Did you need repairs?" Knockout picked up one of the tools he was organizing.

"Hey, Knockout! No. I was wondering if you knew where Starscream was," you explained.

He chuckled, his finish reflecting what little light there was in the room. "Of course you came here to ask where your boyfriend was."

You stiffened. "He's not my boyfriend, we're just friends."

"You could've fooled me." The mech lifted his optic ridge, clearly not convinced.

"Do you know where he is?" You cut to the point again, wanting to leave the awkward conversation.

"I may," he answered wistfully, "but you may have to give me some more buffing solution as payment."

"But I just gave you some yesterday. In fact, I think you almost always get it from me, and I never ask for anything in return. By the time I get you more I'll have to go back to work."

"Just joking. He's heading to the energon supplies to check inventory." Knockout didn't even give you a glance as he picked up a buffer in the corner and spun the correct pad onto it. "Make sure you remember to propose to him."

"Knockout," you drew out his name in annoyance, almost out the door.

"Just kidding."

You rolled your eyes, mentally forgave him, and bolted to the direction of the energon stock. The clanging of your pedes hitting the floor slowed and came to a halt when the entrance was just on your right.

"Starscream?" You stuck your helm in and searched. Finally, your optics locked onto the thin seeker, with sharp features and expressive wings. He looked to you with surprise, his long digit hovering over the control panel that contained information on how much energon there was, how much was used in the previous month, and the chart of how much energon was found compared to other points throughout time on Earth.

"(Y/n)? Aren't you supposed to be organizing files right now?" He inquired.

"I was done early." You hopped into the room as the door slid closed behind you. It was now dark, except for the illumination from the energon. The way it dimly shown on him and cast shadows on the edges of his figure made him look even more attractive. You shifted and swatted away the thoughts in your head.

"So, what are you up to?"

"Nothing much," he groaned, waving his servo. "I was simply accessing the inventory to find if we had enough and needed to lower rations."

"Hmm. From what I read in reports, it's getting harder to find energon, but we found a good stock recently."

"Yes. I saw that on the chart." He nodded to the glowing screen.

Before you could stop yourself, you began admiring his wings. Then your gaze shifted to a part that wasn't quite as smooth as the rest.

"What's that scratch on your wing?" You exclaimed when you finally noticed it.

He bit his lip, looked to it, and shrugged. "I flew too low and my wing got clipped by a tree."

Studying the scrapes, you delicately traced your fingers on it. He winced in pain and reached to shove it away, but stopped when you flinched away on your own after seeing his reaction.

Letting, your servo fall softly onto the undamaged surface. His wings relaxed in please and a smile crept onto his face. You gently rubbed the spot below it and held his jaw with your other servo. He seemed to melt at your touch and closed his optics. His arms snaked their way around your waist.

His optics flickered open again and stared at you with an emotion you had never seen present in them before... love. Without thinking or even considering the consequences of it, you began to close the distance between your lips and his. However you were cut off when light filled the room coming from the door.

You both turned your heads to see who it was. The expectation was that it was just a vehicon, however it was anyone but a simple minion. It was Megatron himself.

You both stepped back. What was he doing there? He was probably either looking for you or Starscream. You passed some vehicons on the way, so he could have definitely inquired where you were from them, if you were indeed the one he was seeking to find.

When he noticed you and Starscream together, and not just that, but that you were having... erm, a moment, his face twisted from a hurt shocked to anger.

"What have we here?" He marched in, servos behind his back. The door closed, blocking the light once more. You weren't exactly sure why he was so furious, he had never been that mad at you before.

"Well," Starscream stumbled on his words and shrunk back. "You see-"

"Trying to steal yet another thing from me!" He exploded at the seeker. He took the second in command's neck in his hand and held him in the air.

"Megatron! What are you doing?!" It made no sense, why he was just suddenly deciding to kill Starscream. Had he tried to kill him recently? What did he mean 'steal'?

"What are you... Talking... About?" Starscream gasped with his legs dangling.

"(Y/n)," he turned to you. You flinched back, yet noticed how his voice was softer. "Be my sparkmate."

This thoroughly confused you and sent a chill through your frame. "What?! No."

A mix of despair, anger, and desperation showed on his faceplate.

Deciding to elaborate you started carefully, "Why? I thought we were just friends. I thought of us as just friends." You had nothing against him. You cared about him, but never thought of it in a different way. Perhaps you could have explained more, although in your baffled state, you couldn't get out much.

"Those years in space," the leader of the Decepticons began, "it was so lonely I once thought I would lose my mind. The only two things that kept me going and what made me able to live after every near-death experience are my desire to extinguish Optimus and to be with you. You somehow make everything better and chase away darkness and solitude." A blade launched from above his hand and he aimed it for the dangling Cybertronian in his hand. "I want you to always be by my side. Be my sparkmate, or Starscream dies."

You couldn't believe it, well, maybe you could considering how violent he was and how many other times he came close to killing Starscream. The Decepticon leader had even expressed fear you'd leave him for someone else before. Yet, you had assumed that it was platonic and never guessed this would happen.

"Please," you pleaded, "Don't terminate him. I know you have kindness in your spark, and it is not weakness, it is a virtue. Please. Starscream has always been useful to you. For me?" You held your servos together, your sad optics sparkled.

This seemed to make him consider, as he started to reflect your sadness then shook it away. Replaced with anger of how greatly you cared for his second in command that seemed to undermine everything he did. "No. Only if you become my sparkmate."

The seeker decided to take matters into his own servos and aimed the red missile on his arm while distracted. Megatron noticed and tore it and the other off and let then drop to the floor with Starscream wailing in pain.

You shook your head in horror, still in disbelief of what was happening. "Why are you doi-"

"I CAN'T LOSE YOU TO STARSCREAM!" He raised the sword. "And now he won't keep you from me anymore!"

"NO!" You screamed. Panic surged through you. This couldn't happen, you couldn't lose Starscream. You just couldn't. You didn't want him to die. If he were to die, you would never see or talk to him again, and it was something you could never afford.

Without thinking, you lunged forward and converted your servo to a blade. Only focusing on saving Starscream, you slashed at the one threatening his well-being.

Then time slowed. Your optics widened. You stumbled back with energon stained on the sharp edge. Megatron opened his mouth, yet nothing came out as his grip loosened and he fell to the ground. His helm nearly falling off of his body, with almost all severed off. Your mouth hung open watching the glowing blue liquid puddle onto the floor, seeming to form a lake. He gave the saddest look you've ever seen, making you want to scream as he seemed to stare right into your spark, before his scarlet optics flickered and the life faded from them.

Then the gravity of what you did. You stared at the blade, then your dead friend.

"NO! What am I doing? Why did I want to hurt you?!" You screamed. Switching back to your hand, feeling the energon drip into your parts, as you ran forward and held Megatron. You answered your own questioned, "It was to save Starscream, but why did you make me do that?! I didn't wanna hurt you. I'm supposed to be a friend, be nice. I just wanna... wanted to be your friend." You changed the word since Megatron was now no more. You wrapped your armed around him in a hug. Overcome by grief. Then anger resurfaced.

"Stupid head! Why do you have to be like this? Why do you have to be an evil overlord? I wanted to be friends. I care about you!" Then you sank back into sadness.

With a sigh, you attempt to pull yourself together. He was set to the side and you stood up, energon dripping off of you.

This whole time, Starscream, who had crawled away when he was first released, watched you. He really had no idea what to do or how to help you. All he knew was that you probably needed to be left alone at that moment, thus he stood there. Although he was flattered that you, as a pacifist, would kill to save him, he hated that you were unhappy. He waited until a few nanoklicks after you stood in silence.

"All hail Starscream?" He hesitantly questioned, his wings giving a shrug. He clearly didn't want to bother you in such an emotional state, although still desired to know if he'd be leading the Decepticons.

With a small smile creeping to your lips, you nodded while trying to move on from what happened. "Yes. All hail Starscream."

#megatron x reader #starscream x reader #megatron x reader x starscream #tfp x reader #TFP #Transformers Prime #Starscream #Megatron #angst #tw death

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acti-veg · 3 years

Note

I have researched the covid vaccinations and they all seem to have been tested on animals before going into a clinical trial. I am against all exploitation of animals and i simply don't feel comfortable being a part of that. However i feel shamed by my peers and they say i care about animals more than people and maybe that's true? I don't see how it's solely my responsibility to keep everyone safe when none of them are taking care of themselves. Plus to be honest I haven't been met with understanding about my choices and I haven't had the greatest view of people around me and the state of our society. Is it wrong of me to feel like it's my own personal choice?

Well, why is eating animals not a personal choice? Meat eaters bring up this particular argument all the time, and we all know the rebuttal - decions stop being just a 'personal choice' when they begin to effect other beings. In this case, your refusing the vaccine puts those around you at higher risk of infection, especially those who are immuno-compromised and cannot get the vaccine.

All the COVID vaccines have been tested on animals unfortunately, despite the fact that some of them underwent human trials before animal trials. I can completely empathise with where you are coming from on this, but even as a staunch vegan and animal rights activist, as well as someone who actively boycotts animal tested products, I have to say that refusing the vaccine on the ethical grounds is misguided.

I want to start by reminding you of the definition of veganism - avoiding animal exploitation as far as is possible and practicable. No one can reasonably be expected to risk Covid-19 to avoid animal tested medicine, or refuse treatment if they get infected. Even aside from that, you cannot reasonably avoid animal tested medication irrespective of COVID.

Almost all medicines with the exceptions of herbal remedies, are or were tested on animals and/or derived from animal ingredients. That's all painkillers, all antibiotics, every tablet you've ever been prescribed by every doctor you have ever seen, for every ailment you have ever had. Are you going to refuse all medication for the rest of your life?

Even if we could boycott all animal tested medicines, what would such a boycott achieve? I realise this is a highly emotive issue, and again I really do understand where you are coming from and why you feel this way, but try to look at it in purely rationa, ethical terms for a moment, applying a standard harm-benefit analysis.

You not getting the vaccine puts you and those around you in real, immediate danger. You could pass on the virus to someone whose immune system is compromised, which could bring about potentially cause life changing, or even life-ending symptoms. That's the harm. So what is the benefit? You not getting vaccinated in no way effects demand for vaccines, even if all vegans did it, that boycott would not work in the way it does for a commercial product, since consumer purchasing is not impacting demand.

Unfortunately it also does nothing to stop animals being tested on - meaning that there is no benefit. Except perhaps you maintaining ideological purity and avoiding the discomfort and guilt involved, which I understand - I felt uncomfortable getting vaccinated too, but I did it anyway, because I knew that it was the right thing to do. Even if you've not had a good reaction from others, is you wanting to protect those around you from harm really dependent on them being nice to you? I shouldn't think that it is.

As vegans we should be encouraging each other to get vaccinated so that we can protect those around us, as well as ensuring our community is not disproportionately effected by the pandemic. That, and campaigning against animal testing and in support of safer, more compassionate medicine, is really all we can do. Refuse the vaccine if you want to, you have that right, just don’t do so under the illusion that it will do anything to help animals or our cause.

#ask #vegan #vaccination #anti-vaxxers

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snowlily95 · 3 years

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Aerith in light of healthcare provider

So, I've wanted to write an analysis about Aerith in light of her medical viewpoint for quite a long time but only recently got the chance to complete it. It is well known in the game that Aerith is the healer of the story. She possesses a great MP with a limit break to heal and buff people which greatly affects your gameplay. Of course, you can equip others with Healing and Prayer materias to render them useful for healing as well. But story-wise, no one can take away Aerith's status as the healer. We know in canon that Aerith provided herbs to the Sector 5 slums doctor to create medicine. And if you finished the Corneo Stash side quest in Chapter 14, you can return to the church and see a couple of elderly sitting on the pew praying. And when you come closer to them you'll hear them talking about how they didn't see Aerith around and they're sure she's alright and probably be around healing people. You know, since the Sector 7 plate just fell. (Even though Aerith is not alright actually coz she was kidnapped by Shinra by this time) Point is, we are fed by the NPCs on how much Aerith had helped around as a healer. She had been doing this for years.

While being in denial about who she actually is, being a healer had always been implanted in her. She is used to it. When you're used to being a healer, there's a certain level when you have a different reaction compared to others. The way you think is different. Apart from that, she's also a Cetra. And we knew for a fact Cetra had a certain affinity towards souls who are returning to the Planet. Meaning, as much as she is used to healing others, she's also used to sensing death.

My whole point is that being a Cardiac Anaesthesiologist and Intensivist as I am, I can totally relate my position with Aerith, as we both have constantly helped people and encounter death on daily basis. While I'm pretty confident that the majority of these might be coincidences (because I'm pretty sure there are no doctors in the SE team), I thought the coincidences are pretty cool to ponder upon and I'm amazed at how the subtle differences between Aerith's reaction to events from other characters.

I'm gonna ignore the meta part of Aerith, mainly because I'm not discussing how much Aerith knew, and if there was anything in jeopardy of what she knew whatsoever. So we're gonna focus on the fact that she is used to healing and feeling people's death. People who are used to death on daily basis had a certain unique view on life and death. And that affects how we act upon facing them too. While this is evident throughout Remake, I'm gonna focus on the plate drop event to be more concise. I will also use Tifa as a comparison to make it easier to see the difference between the reaction of the two. Let’s start!

1) Aerith is quick in emergency situations.

When you are used to people dying, you developed a certain immunity and you are able to have a sound mind and composure at the sudden change of event. As healthcare providers, we face stable situations turning into critical real fast. And we have a switch in our minds that turns us from standby mode to rescue mode. This is exactly what happened to Aerith when Don Corneo revealed Shinra's plan to blow up Sector 7's support pillar. Tifa is part of Sector 7. It is her home. Which is why her reaction showed how she was super devastated, she slowly stood up and muttered "They wouldn't..." because she couldn't believe it. Aerith? She had that switch in her mind, and she immediately turned and say "Come on, guys! We gotta go!". She switched into that critical mode in a second. It helps that she's also not personally connected to Sector 7, and thus her judgment was not as impaired. Of course, they both switched into the critical mode in the sewer, but it was at the moment of revelation that made it different. Just like how healthcare providers switched at the moment of revelation that their patients are at the brink of death—you immediately jumped into rescue mode.

2) She plans for the worst.

Remember after they defeated Abzu and Tifa started to question Corneo's information? She didn't want to believe it, because it didn't make sense to destroy your years of efforts building the plate just to get back to a small group like AVALANCHE. Think about the money they put in to build it, they're gonna have to put them all again. In fact, along their way out of the sewer, Tifa voiced out multiple times how this had been bothering her. But I'm intrigued with Aerith's reply "If he's telling the truth, then we should go. And if it turns out he was lying, then so what?". This here is exactly what doctors do. We plan and prepare for the worst. And if the worst didn't happen, then so what? If you ever had life-saving surgery, your doctors would tell you "You need this surgery coz you might die. But if you do the surgery, there's a high chance you'll survive, but there's a small chance you'll die too". And we prepare for that small chance that our patients die. No, we don't let our preparations lacking because we hope they'll survive. We prepare for the worst outcome possible and get all the equipment ready in case they'll die. If they didn't, then so what? It doesn't mean our preparations were futile efforts. It only means we were prepared. And that line of Aerith seriously hits home to me.

3) She hopes for the best.

Before they crossed the water sewer, Tifa once again voiced out how she couldn't stop thinking about what Corneo said, and she was still hoping that he was lying. And then Aerith said, "The future isn't set in stone". (Again, I'm gonna ignore the meta part of Aerith) And then she proceeded to set up that small date with Tifa. Believe it or not, this is actually what we do during bad calls. We'd talk about what we would do after all this ends; we'd go out dining, or playing games/darts, or go drinking, or whatever it is that makes us happy. Just to keep our minds calm and to allow us to hope for the future, even if it's just a few hours away. It gives us hope and courage to go on. We plan for the worst, but we hope for the best. The more critical the situation is, the more you need to be level-headed. And needless to say, after this point onwards, Tifa is much more calmed down from her struggle to keep herself focus.

4) She follows orders.

This might sound weird to some, but the ability to cast away your worry and focus on what you can do, instead of what you should do, is important in emergency situations. You need to know what you don't know. You don't get in the way of your comrades. If you're not good at intubating, you don't insist to intubate in emergency situations just because you wanna help. Seriously, you'll just make things worse. When Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith were attacked before climbing up and out of the sewer, Cloud asked both Tifa and Aerith to keep going. Aerith immediately answers "Okay" and left—without a single but. This is significant because it shows that Aerith knew she'd be better off leaving. She doesn't need to offer help, coz her help was not needed. This is not the place where she could help. The ability to recognize this is very important for healthcare professionals. Tifa was a bit more reluctant to leave, but that's probably because she is a martial artist in-game. Also, the fact that Aerith could still joke "We're not delicious" is just so real lol! Yup, we joke sometimes when we're facing deaths—doesn't mean we lose focus in saving the dying person in front of us, don't worry. And then it happens again when they reached Sector 7 when Cloud asked them to stay with Wedge as he goes up, Aerith immediately answered "sure"—because she can "patch" Wedge up, it's where her abilities lie. This is even more accentuated when an injured Wedge argued that he can still fight when he clearly can't—making this point even more obvious. Aerith is someone with a healthcare mind, Wedge was not.

5) She supports her comrades emotionally even when she’s worried too.

When they reached the surface, they spotted a Shinra helicopter. Cloud assured them they're only on patrol. Aerith turned to Tifa and said, "Don't worry, we'll make it in time". This moment is also very iconic to me. As I mentioned, I'm an anaesthesiologist. We are the support doctors to surgeons and physicians. Those moments when we're operating on AAA surgeries and the patient is losing liters of blood and literally dying, we're pumping bloods in with our hands and get those Level 1 machines operating, and the surgeons would be panicking because it keeps bleeding? Yep, I did say it before. "We'll make it. Just concentrate on the surgery and don't worry about the bleeding", even though I'm sweating and dying here trying to keep the patient alive. But I pretended to be calm in front of my team and cheered them on. Because the whole team needs to keep calm. If one of the team loses hope, then bid your chance farewell. As an anaesthesiologist, we're almost like the anchor in the room. People look at us to know if everything's alright. I need to tell them it's alright, so they need not worry. Aerith knew Tifa is worried. And she tried to keep Tifa calm with reassurance. Even if she probably freaked out herself.

6) She doesn’t discriminate.

After they defeated the ghost at the haunted maintenance facility, Cloud tried to kill it, and Aerith didn't let him. When Cloud said that thing was dangerous, Aerith said she knows and added "but even so..." she didn't feel right about killing it. (Let's ignore the fact that the Ghoul was a lonely creature for now) It then goes to drop the train wreck which almost killed them had it not been for Cloud. Now this would have been avoided had Aerith let Cloud killed it—maybe. But here's the thing. When you're hyper-aware that people are dying left and right, you value life more. No one deserves to die, even the worst criminal in the world. You're a law-abiding citizen? You're a criminal? It doesn't make a difference to us. I know this is something super hard to comprehend. But technically only when the law subjects the criminal to the death sentence that a person should be left to die. I've been a doctor for eleven years, I was a prison doctor for two. I had the first-hand experience of dealing with criminals. It's not my job to determine whether they deserve to die or not. It's not my call whether they will turn a new leaf had they lived. I know this is something others find difficult to relate to and agree with—happens to my non-medical family and friends. The verdict to us is simple. It's a life. It's worth saving. Period. (Technically the ghosts are dead though but my point still stands)

7) She tries to her best abilities and lets go of what is out of her control.

Tifa's emotions are tampered with again when they confirmed Shinra was going to drop the plate when they overheard the Turks conversation. Her voice shook, we can literally hear it. Aerith's response was "all we can do now is keep moving". And she's right. When they reached Sector 7 and the Whispers were preventing them, she said "we have to get past whatever it takes". And later on, Tifa left to help Cloud and Barret, and Aerith agreed to get to Seventh Heaven to ensure Marlene's safety. Wedge had a short mental breakdown when he realized he was no good to anyone up or down the crime scene. And Aerith told him "We can still save a lot of lives", "That's no excuse to give up", "I need to know I did everything I could". Her encouragement helped Wedge save more people. Some argued, did she not care about the lives that already died? Now here's my point; no, we don't. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but really. What can we do for people who are already dead? Nothing. What can we do for people who are still alive? Everything. And this is the core of being a healthcare provider—we prioritize. Yes, we're also humans. We can get emotional when our own friends and relatives die. (Aerith might not be as calm had it happened at Sector 5) But when we put the healthcare provider cap on, we mean business. That is why when disasters happened, and we triage people with a black tag? That's when we know we couldn't do anything for them. We don't mourn at the black tags. We move on to the other tags instead. So that we know we already did everything in our power to help. And yes, it doesn't matter even if we lost more lives than we saved. It's worth it, even if we only saved one person out of thousands of deaths. Just like how Aerith saved Betty in Sector 7. That one life is worth it.

#Aerith Gainsborough #Aeris Gainsborough #ff7 aerith #aerith #aeris #FF7 Remake #final fantasy 7 remake #final fantasy vii remake #ffvii remake #ff7remake #final fantasy vii: remake #final fantasy vii #Final Fantasy 7 #FFVII #ff7

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myblueeyedbuggers · 3 years

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My Boys

Chapter 14

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13

Pairings: Steve Rogers X Reader (Best Friend) Bucky Barnes X Reader

Word Count: 1620

Warnings: Swearing, bit of violence if you looking very closely

Summary: After being abandoned by her parents in Brooklyn in 1929, y/n makes a living for herself by working for the Црни лабуд gang until she meets two boys in a back alley and her life slowing begins to change.

So Hi again everyone! one more chapter to go then we're on the first Avenger, I just wanna say thank you to each and everyone of you all for taking the time to sit down and read this, it means the absolute world to me! Anyways I'll shut up, enjoy chapter 14 everyone <3

Now don’t ask me how they did it, but somehow my idiots managed to open my front door without a key, if I wasn’t so pissed at them for getting into a fight for the 5th night in a row, I’d be tearing them a new one for that alone. Completely and uttered annoyed with the pair of em, I may of opened my door with a bit more force than necessary and twatted the back of it on the coat rack, not my best moment but at least nothing broke. I was fully prepared to lose my shit with both of em, but one look of them both sat at the table, covered head to toe in bruises and cuts made all my anger disappear, I can’t be mad at them when they both look absolutely exhausted.

Wordlessly I crossed the landing into the bathroom, grabbing the first aid kit and spare clothes I kept for the boys, setting em down on the dresser just outside my room before heading off to change into my satin pyjamas. It’s times like this that make me so frustrated with them both, I know why they do what they do, they’re trying to make the world a better place in their own way, but I just wished that they wouldn’t do it in a way that put them in danger. Coming back out into the kitchen was almost like walking into a morgue, neither of them said a thing to each other whilst I was gone, the looks their faces absolutely shattered my small, minuscule heart to pieces.

It was pretty easy to see from the slumped shoulders and the way they both avoided eye contact that they were ashamed of what happened tonight, and that made me feel like the biggest piece of shit ever, I trusted these boys with my life, and I know that they would never start a fight if they didn’t have a reason for it. Hell, I didn’t care about the reason why anymore. Without saying a word to them, I went over to the sink and filled a bowl with warm water, I knew that one of em would have got the rags out already, more than likely Buck cause Steve’s short ass can’t reach the cabinet…I’m joking I love him really, but he’s soooo fucking short it’s unreal..

I’d barely had time to put the bowl on the table before Steve started to speak.

“We’re sorry Y/n…Those guys were erm..saying some pretty messed up things about you and I couldn’t help it, I saw red and lost my temper. Be angry with me, not a Buck he was just lookin’ out for me”.

The sigh that left my body couldn’t be helped, as much as I love Steve he couldn’t lie to save his life, though normally I wouldn’t put it past him to start a fight over me, the way Buck reacted made it pretty clear that the hot-headed love of my life started this one, the sharp look he gave for Steve was about as subtle as a sneeze in a silent library. The sudden ache that settled over my chest wasn’t foreign to me one bit, it happened every time I looked at Bucky, as much as I wanted to tell him how I felt I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea, he loves me like a sister and I should be happy with that, I’d rather have that than nothing at all…

“Steve…it’s not that, it’s the fact that you guys would start a fight over something so silly, I love you both to the moon and back, but I don’t care about what people say about me, I’m upset that you put yourselves in danger over me. I’m not worth the trouble it would cause and after the shit I’ve done, it’s not like I don’t deserve it.”

Bucky was silent the whole time, at times he looked like he wanted to disagree but a look from Steve shut it down, we all fell into a comfortable silence after that, which for the 3 of us is pretty fucking weird considering Steve and I are normally annoying the hell outta Bucky, what can I say me, and Steve have amazing singing voices. I stole a quick look at the pair of them, considering they both looked like shit it was actually a very difficult choice about which idiot I should clean up first, then I remembered that Steve has the immune system of an asthmatic grandma, so I dunked his cut-up hands in the warm water a little bit harder than I meant to, but I’d be lying if I said the squeal he let out wasn’t funny.

It really didn’t take me long to get him cleaned up at all, then again I do this like 8 times a week with the moron, you’d think after about 10 split lips the kid would learn his lesson, but apparently not cause he’ll be back at it in the morning. I need to start charging him for medical supplies, I’m practically a hospital at this point. As Steve stood up to leave, he paused and looked towards me with his sad puppy eyes, and I’m no monster so of course I gave him a hug, thank god he’s not as short as when were kids or his face would be right in my chest region, I don’t think an accidental motorboat is on his list of top 10 things to do. With one final look from Buck, Stevie boy took his clothes and went into the spare room, leaving us both to talk which could take a while cause we’re both stubborn asses. Que the awkward silence….

“I am sorry Doll…I just couldn’t stand back and hear those assholes talk about you like that. I love ya too much for that…”

Okay ouch, the sister zoning wasn’t necessary Barnaby.

I knew in my heart I meant every single word he said, Bucky was never the one to start the fights unless it was over his family and I understand that I do, if I were in the same position I’d do the sae for them. The dejected sigh that left me wasn’t missed by him, I chose to ignore his reaction to it and moved closer to him, the cuts on his hands were a little deeper than Steve’s, not that it stopped me from slamming his hands into the hot water as a tiny bit of revenge. Because I’m such a nice person, I chose to ignore the hiss of pain and glare directed at me from my good ol’ Bucky boy, plus I was focusing on cleaning his cuts.

“Buck…I don’t need you to say sorry, I understand why you did it, I just hate that you can be so careless about your own safety, what if you get into a fight whilst I’m working, and something happens? I’d never be able to forgive myself that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most, I love you and Steve so so much, but it hurts me to see you do this to yourselves….”.

The time we spent sat together was lost to me, Bucky didn’t say anything after that and left me to clean his hands whilst he got lost in his thoughts, not that I minded. It’s the times like these that help me realise just how much pressure he puts on himself, it’s like he has to be the one to hold up the weight of the world, but he doesn’t realise he doesn’t have to do it by himself and it breaks my heart. But I wished that he didn’t tilt his head down when he’s feeling sombre and sad because I can’t see his fucking face, it kinda makes cleaning his cuts a bit hard ya know ? Reluctantly I stood up and went back to the sink, the rag I used to clean his hands was beyond filthy at this point and I don’t really fancy wiping ouch juice all over his face, by the time I’d turned back around Buck had his head in his hands.

You know it’s bad when he’s like this, Buck never lets anyone see just how much stress he’s under, the only other person that’s ever seen him in this state is Steve, I moved back over to him and placed the rag back down on the table, my main focus now being cheering up my Bucky. As it turns I didn’t have to do much, once he saw my shadow in front of him, his head lifted automatically as his eyes searched mine, the level of exhaustion in his eyes was almost enough to make me cry, I couldn’t help the hand that reached out to cup his cheek, nor the other hand that began to run through his hair. It was almost like I put him under a spell, Buck’s eyes closed in relief as his head fell forward to rest on my upper stomach, at some point his looped his arms around my waist to pull me closer to him, I couldn’t help but pepper the top of his head in small kisses to try and cheer him up.

This is the part of him I love the most, the moments where he isn’t afraid to let his guard down and for once let someone help him, to take the burden off his shoulders and relax for a while, even if he doesn’t love me the way I love him, I still wouldn’t trade it for the world.

He has and always will be my home….nothing can or will change that.

And that's Number 14 done and dusted, let me know what you all think, thank you for reading!

All My Love,

Rose xxx

@purelydarling

#winter soldier x reader #winter soldier #captain america #captain america x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers #mcu #reader #fanfic #reader insert #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader

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terrm9 · 4 years

Text

Fall On Me

Words count: 4 200 Warnings: mentions of fertility issues, other than that just fluff Author’s note: This is the fic I have thought so much about. I have written something, then stopped, then written again, thought about it and considered for so long if I should post it or not. I have never been this nervous posting something, probably because there is a big part of me in it - therefore, any kind of feedback will be greatly appreciated!

After four years of dating and their first year being married, Chiara and Ethan find out that there are still surprises in store for them.

Important notes: My MC (Chiara) has been diagnosed with an immune system disorder that makes it close to impossible for her to become pregnant. It has been stated in Destination fic as well as in Already Gone series, but for those who haven’t read those, it’s important to know that so you understand the context.

There are three more important notes at the end (they would kind of ruin the experience if you read them in the beginning). PLEASE read them, especially the first one, it is really important to me.

*** *** *** ***

As Ethan stepped into his office, the sight of sleeping Chiara on a couch didn’t even surprise him. It was the fifth time in the last ten days. She would throw an apologetic smile at him along with a muttered “I just need to catch a quick break” and half an hour later, he would find her fast asleep in his office.

At this point, surprise has been replaced by worrying. Ethan knew his wife and he knew that she could go weeks without rest. This behavior was strange, to say the least.

He approached the couch and knelt next to it, gently brushing the hair off her forehead. Placing a soft kiss on it instead, he whispered: “Chiara, are you okay?”

She opened her eyes slowly at first, obviously confused about the whole situation. Realizing what was happening – again – she sat up rapidly, trying to come up with a good excuse.

“I am sorry, Ethan, I must have fallen asleep. I just wanted to sit down for a while and-“

“It’s okay,” Ethan cut her off and took a seat next to her, hugging her waist. “I’m just a little worried about your constant tiredness.”

Sighing, Chiara rubbed her eyes and leaned into his chest, shaking her head slowly.

“I am fine. It’s just… ever since we’ve gotten back from the Europe, the work has been crazy. Two weeks and I feel like I need another vacation.”

Visiting Europe has become their habit through the years. It started with a trip to Tuscany on Chiara’s third year of residency, continuing with a quick trip to France after getting engaged, honeymoon in Greece and finally this year, when they decided to spend their first wedding anniversary on a three-weeks long roadtrip through Scandinavia, finished with four days in The Basque Country, so that Chiara could pursue her dream of visiting Guernica, the village on Picasso’s painting.

Chiara was right about the work being absolutely crazy ever since they’ve gotten back and throwing a glance at the paperwork on his desk, Ethan was very well aware of the exhaustion they both felt. Still, he managed to get through his days without needing a nap.

“Let me draw your blood so that I can run some tests. Maybe it’s just iron deficiency, but I want to be sure,” Ethan murmured into her hair, kissing the top of her head. “And go home to sleep.”

She turned to him, brows furrowed as she shook her head again.

“Absolutely not. I am fine, just a little weary. Just make me a cup of coffee and I’ll be fresh.”

Ethan stood up to make her the coffee, however he had no intention of letting her stay in work. He would bet that she was just ‘resting her eyes’ while he was turned to the coffee machine. As a doctor, there was one particular idea about what her exhaustion was about. Noticing such symptoms with anybody else, he would be absolutely sure. But this was Chiara he was thinking about and so he didn’t allow his mind wander into the direction it was tempted to.

“I am serious, Rookie. You are no use here, hardly keeping your eyes open. Drink the coffee, let me take your blood and go home to rest. I’ll come as soon as I can.”

She rolled her eyes and took the cup from his hands. Just as she was about to sip the coffee, she scrunched her nose in an utter disgust and looked up at him.

“Did you change the brand? This smells… ugh, I am not as demanding as you when it comes to coffee and even I can tell that this smells worse than the cafeteria coffee.”

Ethan bit his lip to hide the jitteriness overwhelming him at those words.

It was the same coffee brand they’ve been ordering for more than three years.

It was all adding up.

He shrugged as casually as he could and said: “Yeah, I tried a new roastery and it’s disappointing. Lets get you out of here, shall we?”

Chiara wanted to fight him, to stubbornly stay and prove him that she was more than capable of working, but she had to admit that she’s probably never felt as exhausted. And the vision of their king-sized bed was way too tempting.

Relucantly, she nodded and followed Ethan into an empty patient room to get her blood taken.

To say that Ethan was nervous would be an understatement. He could’ve gone home a long time ago and instead he found himself pacing back and forth in his office, waiting for a nurse to page him that Chiara’s results were ready.

Still, when his pager went off, he all but jumped on the spot.

Seven minutes later, Ethan thanked the nurse and clutched the results in his hand, fighting the urge to read them right then and there, not quite believing his own self to be able to not to break down is the results confirmed the diagnosis he suspected.

Breathing heavily as he reached his office, he sat down on the couch – the very same Chiara was sleeping on just hours ago – and with trembling hands opened the file to see the results.

His eyes widened and just then, his vision turned blurry. New lump formed in his throat and his heart kept beating as if his dear life depended on the rate it was beating. His hands trembled so hard now that the file fell on the floor.

He was right.

Ethan could feel the tears damping his cheeks and falling on the fabric of his navy blue pants and he realized that he couldn’t care less about crying while at work.

Throwing his head back, he stared at the ceiling, letting the tears fall down freely, his heartbeat slowly calming back to normal.

He knew he needed to go home and share the results with Chiara. He just didn’t know how he should do such a thing.

Chiara’s peaceful five-hours long nap has been interrupted by the sound of keys clinking in the door.

Stirring lazily in a blanket, she sat up and smiled softly as Ethan walked into the living room.

“You look exhausted. Hard day?” she asked, patting the seat next to her. “Come here.”

Ethan slumped down on the couch next to her and kissed her cheek instead of answering, his mind a battlefield of ideas on how to tell Chiara. As a doctor, he knew that he needed to be honest and straightforward. As a husband, he didn’t feel comfortable throwing such a bomb into her face as if she was simply a patient.

Noticing how lost in his head Ethan was, Chiara grew concerned.

“Did something happen, Ethan?”

He blurted his next words out before he gave any of his battling ideas a chance to win.

“I’ve got your test results.”

“Am I dying?” Chiara laughed, putting her hand on his bouncing knee to calm him down. After Ethan refused to look back at her, she sensed that something was indeed wrong. “Oh, I am dying, aren’t I?”

Chuckling, Ethan finally turned to look at her and kisser her temple. “You are not dying.”

“But?” Chiara raised her eyebrow while Ethan took the hand on his knee into his own, stroking Chiara’s knuckles softly with his thumb.

Taking a deep breath, he stuttered: “I… we… you are pregnant, Chiara.”

Chiara’s face grew paler than he’s ever seen it and there were big drops of cold sweat on her forehead. Ethan squeezed her hand to stop it from shaking, but with no success.

At last, Chiara let out a choked whisper.

“What kind of sick joke is this?”

For a second, Ethan almost felt offended by her accusation, as if she didn’t know him, as if she didn’t know that he would never joke about such a thing. Then, however, he recalled his own reaction when he found out just an hour and half before and could understand the Chiara’s one.

Instead of another word, Ethan reached down to grab his bag from the floor and pulled Chiara’s file out. Handing it to her, he made sure to point his finger at the row that indicated the elevated level of hCG in her blood.

Her eyes widened as she recognized what he was showing her and she gasped audibly, looking up at Ethan and down on her own file, back and forth until she found her lost voice.

“But… how? That’s impossible.”

“Nobody has ever said that it was impossible, only that your chances were extremely low, close to none.”

Chiara started to reminisce the last days, trying to connect the dots now that she knew the result.

The extreme fatigue, waves of nausea here and there, those could easily be read as literally anything else. She missed her period, but her cycle has never been regular, so she hardly considered it anyhow important, especially knowing that travelling has always made things even more irregular for her.

“Did you know?” she whispered as she turned to Ethan, who was staring at her intensively.

“I didn’t know. I became suspicious few days back, when you wouldn’t let me go anywhere near your chest,” he grinned. “Together with the exhaustion, the possibility of pregnancy found its way into my mind, but I didn’t even want to think about it, knowing how very unlikely it was. It was your disgust with the coffee today that made me almost sure that you were, in fact, pregnant.”

Chiara stared at the results again, not quite absorbing what they were saying. For almost six years, she believed she could never be pregnant.

“You need to see your gynecologist tomorrow, of course,” Ethan cut the silence again. “But as Dr. Ramsey, I can say for sure that you are pregnant.”

He scooped her into his arms so that she would sit on his lap and hugged her shocked form tightly. Chiara’s lips were still slightly parted and she was blinking just a little bit faster than usually as his words – and their new reality – sank in.

When it finally did, she wasn’t able to contain the emotions any longer.

First sob escaped her mouth, followed by another and so much more, accompanied by huge tears falling from her eyes.

Ethan gently pulled her head closer so that she was resting it against his chest and peppered her hair with soft kisses. Even though his share of tears has already been shed in a privacy of his office, feeling Chiara’s shaking body as she cried all those happy, surprised tears, he couldn’t help but cry along quietly with her.

“I am going to ruin your shirt,” Chiara mumbled against his white Oxford, noticing how her mascara stained it.

Ethan let out a quick laugh, his voice thick with emotions as he replied: “I couldn’t care less.”

After what could have been minutes or hours, they breaths steadied, however their positions haven’t changed at all.

They were both quiet for a long time and one could say that they were lost in their own thoughts when really, they were both lost in the very same thought.

Parents. They would become parents.

They talked about adoption on a regular basis at this point, both open to the idea that two or three years from now, they would go for it, that they would become parents to a kid that was left alone.

But those were talks about future. Hypothetical.

This was real. In less than a year, they would be parents to their very own newborn.

“Are you happy?” Chiara whispered, looking up at him with a gentle smile on her lips.

Ethan kissed her forehead before responding.

“I can’t imagine being happier.”

Biting her lower lip, Chiara asked again: “Are you also a little bit…scared? Because I am.”

Laughing loudly at the adorable confession, Ethan nodded: “God, I am terrified. Being a father, that brings so many possibilities to screw it up.”

Chiara cupped his cheeks and pulled him down for a kiss, their first real, deep kiss that day and as his tender lips moved over hers, she knew that there would be no better father for her child than Ethan Ramsey.

One of the perks of being in her sixth month of pregnancy was the fact that her belly could easily serve as a tiny tea table. Right now, a large bowl of popcorn was sitting on her rounded torso as she was sitting on Bryce’s couch.

“The poor kid,” Bryce muttered as he noticed.

It was another Bryce & Chiara movies Wednesday, a habit that started even before Chiara and Ethan got together and carried on through the years.

With her third trimester slowly approaching, Chiara has been even more insistent on attending those, knowing that once she would give birth, they wouldn’t be able to watch a whole movie in one sitting.

“How is Ramsey? I haven’t seen him in the hospital this week,” Bryce asked as he put a glass of water in front of Chiara and played with a remote control to find the movie on Netflix.

“He’s busy with paperwork, so he mostly stays in his office these days,” Chiara explained. “Other than that, he has read two books about child’s development this week, so I guess everything’s as usual.”

Bryce laughed loudly and just before he pushed the ‘play’ button, he turned to Chiara: “Do you remember when you told me about not being able to have kids all those years ago?”

Chiara nodded, that day somehow still fresh in her mind.

“I told you back then, that you only had to find someone whose sperms will be stubborn enough to beat your own stubborn immune system, remember? Well, I was damn right,” he grinned smugly, earning a popcorn thrown into his head from Chiara.

On the other side of Boston, Ethan and Naveen just finished their meals and moved into the living room, glasses of scotch in their hands.

A comfortable silence accompanied them, their talks about work already finished.

Taking a few gulps of his drink, Ethan leaned into a couch with a soft smile on his lips.

“It’s going to be a girl,” he let out finally, his soft smile soon turning into a wide, happy one.

They only found out yesterday. Ever since beginning of the pregnancy, they couldn’t decide whether they wanted to know the gender of the baby or not. After long discussions – and Sienna’s suggestion that they should do a blood tests that would reveal the gender, give the results to her without looking at them so that she could organize a baby gender reveal party – they came to the agreement that they would only find out if the ultrasound would show it. And yesterday, in Chiara’s 25th week of pregnancy, the doctor informed them that their ‘princess’ is growing beautifully.

Neither Chiara nor Ethan wanted any kind of baby party organized – much to Sienna’s disappointment. This pregnancy – most likely the only one they would ever get to experience – has been such precious, sacred thing to them that they tried to keep everything as private as possible. They found joy in their bubble of emotions only two people who never believed would be this lucky could feel.

“A girl!” Naveen clasped his hands together and beamed even brighter than Ethan. “A granddaughter!”

Ethan nodded, the warmth in his chest expanding even more at Naveen’s words.

“Have you decided on a name yet?” he asked, his curious nature not letting him keep the question to himself.

Shaking his head this time, Ethan said: “Since the beginning, we’ve known that if it was a boy, he would be named Dorian after Chiara’s father. There have been some ideas about girls name, but nothing seemed right so far.”

The first idea they both had was Dolores. It came naturally to Ethan, knowing that she named her son after him and that his friend’s name deserved to be celebrated. Still, he didn’t want to be reminded of the tragedy every time he would talk to his daughter. Chiara has been very supportive about the name Dolores, knowing better than anyone what it felt like to want to name her child after someone important to her. But she never insisted. She could tell that simply thinking about Dolores Hudson made Ethan’s heart ache and she would never push the name on him.

“You seem lost in your thoughts,” Naveen commented. “Are you worried that your daughter will inherit your insufferable stubbornness?”

Ethan laughed at that, raising an eyebrow at his mentor and his friend.

“As if you didn’t know Chiara. The kid is going to be insufferably stubborn no matter who she takes after.”

The truth was, he did wish their daughter would take after Chiara. The idea of raising his own little self terrified him more than he would ever admit and on the other hand, the idea of having someone else as bright as Chiara in his life made his heart happy.

“Well, no matter who she takes after, it’s safe to say that she will be a strong girl,” Naveen smiled, raising his glass. “Beating all those odds and finding her way into your life, she is already a bigger rebel than any of us. She will be a warrior and a mighty one, I am telling you.”

When Chiara returned home, she found Ethan deep in a research on his laptop.

He registered her presence only when she sat down next to him, taking a glance on the screen only to find yet another study about children.

“Hey,” he kissed her cheek and closed the laptop. “Did you have a good time?”

She laid down, putting her head into his lap. “The movie was terrible. I could feel my braincells leave my body. Other than that, yeah, it’s been great. Bryce is so excited about being an uncle to the ‘little queenie’. He said, to quote him, that he will make sure she sees him as an example of how gentlemen should treat their ladies, so that when she is dating she doesn’t settle for anything less than what she deserves.”

“That’s really… nice of him. Thoughtful,” Ethan nodded; however, his furrowed brows didn’t quite match the words. “I don’t think we need to talk about dating just yet, though.”

Of course he will be that kind of a father, Chiara thought, laughing.

“What were you reading about?” she decided to change the topic.

“Oh, I’ve been looking up baby carriers online and so I decided to read some articles and studies about them.”

“Baby carriers, huh? I never took you for someone who would want that.”

Ethan shrugged, fighting the temptation to read her all those articles. Instead, he went with simply pointing some interesting information.

“It helps to build a healthy attachment between a child and their parent. You know, you are carrying her in your body for nine months, you have a possibility of breastfeeding, you two are naturally connected. As a father, I would like to… increase my chances of bonding with my child properly,” he swallowed harder that he wanted, hoping that Chiara didn’t notice just how nervous about this whole attachment thing he’s become.

He was so excited to meet their daughter, to hold her in his arms, it sometimes surprised even him.

But there was another part of him. The one that constantly doubted his ability to be a good father. For such a long time he didn’t believe that he could ever find himself in the role of a parent and he got used to the idea, no matter how painful. He used to remind himself that it would be for the best if he never had them, that as a man unworthy of his mother’s love, he wouldn’t know how to be the parent his children deserved.

Everything has changed with Chiara in his life and now he was about to become a father. And he was scared that it would be the one task he would fail. He tried his best to be prepared – reading books and studies and articles, watching videos on how to bath a newborn and taking notes about how many layers of clothing was suitable for various temperatures. He made arrangements with Naveen and his team so that everyone knew that he would be stepping down as a head of diagnostics once the baby is born, with Aurora becoming the director of the team.

For more than fifteen years, he’s been building his career and he’s been proud of what he achieved. But there was no feeling connected with his career that would make him as proud as the idea of being a decent father.

“According to these studies, the position they are in while in a carrier helps the newborns with their colics and also there are children that don’t like being in a stroller and the carrier helps them to fall asleep.”

Chiara nodded, noticing absolutely clearly how nervous and overwhelmed Ethan was. She also knew why, even though he would never share his concerns with her.

“I kind of believe that. When I was born, I was the perfect baby. You know, the kid that everyone envied when my parents talked about me. I slept most of the day and then the whole night, I never cried, I smiled at everyone. My parents would joke that sometimes they forgot they had me. And Liam was very similar from what I can remember – and what my mother told me. He was such a cutie and even if he couldn’t fall asleep or calm down, a little bit of bouncing in a stroller and he would be fine,” she laughed softly as she was reaching the end – and the point – of her monologue. “My parents were so proud. They always said that they could only create the good sleepers that never cry. Probably encouraged by the belief, they decided to have a third child and God, Alicia was such a difficult baby. She would always cry and never sleep. The only thing that calmed her down enough to sleep was when someone carried her in their arms and walked around the house – so that’s what my parents did. All the time. Sometimes, when they’ve gotten too tired or needed to do something, they would put her into my arms – let me remind you that I was seven – and I would be in charge of walking around the house. I bet they would appreciate the baby carrier back then.”

Ethan chuckled softly while stroking Chiara’s wild hair and after a while decided to tell her the real reason he even browsed the internet this evening.

“I might have found a name.”

After Naveen left, something he’s said resonated with Ethan.

‘She will be a warrior and a mighty one.’

Ethan never cared about meanings of names, he didn’t even know the meaning of his own name until this evening. And yet, despite his best principles, he decided to search girls names that meant warrior or ‘strong, mighty’.

And he found it.

Mighty in battle.

It clicked.

“What name do you have in mind?” Chiara asked.

“Matilda.”

Chiara didn’t even try to suppress her surprise, expecting anything but Matilda. What surprised her even more, she loved it on the first hearing. It indeed was the one.

“I have also thought about the name a little bit,” she admitted. “I found one that I would love to be a second name for her.”

Nodding, Ethan encouraged her to spill it.

“Nekane.”

“Nekane? I have never heard of it.”

“It would be surprising if you did,” Chiara smirked. “It’s the Basque form for Dolores. And you know, since now we know for sure that our daughter has been conceived in Spain, I think it would be rather fitting. It would still carry the honor of Dolores, just in a different form.”

Matilda Nekane Ramsey.

They both loved the sound of that.

It sounded like their daughter.

After sharing another silent moment full of love, peace and understanding, Chiara decided to go to bed and Ethan promised to follow her as soon as he’d finish the study.

When Ethan stepped into their bedroom, Chiara was already asleep, lying on her right side. Climbing to the bed, he laid down on his left side so that he could face her. Suddenly, not knowing how the idea has gotten into him, he was shifting down slightly until he reached her round stomach.

Moving the fabric of her cotton shirt higher, he put his hand over her belly and did something he had never done before.

“Hello, Matilda,” he whispered nervously. “This is Ethan speaking. Your father. Or your dad, as you will probably call me. We have never really talked before but the annoying knocking you hear sometimes, that’s me stroking your mom’s bump.”

He paused for a while, composing his thoughts.

“I am sincerely scared about how this whole father thing is going to work for me, but I promise you as I am trying and I will by trying for the rest of my life. I have done a lot of bad things in my life, Matilda and I can’t take them back. They are part of who I am. But looking at your mother and thinking about you makes me realize that both of you are part of who I am too. And I don’t know in which point of my life the universe decided that I have shared enough kindness to earn your presence but I must have done something right to deserve you in my life, right?”

Kissing the skin of Chiara’s stomach, he added: “I just really hope you inherit your mother’s patience and kindness so that you will forgive me every time I fuck things up.”

Biting his lip, he grinned to himself before saying one last thing to his Matilda.

“Please don’t tell your mom I said ‘fuck’, she would be furious.”

*** *** ***

1) as someone who is mother herself, I realize that topics of pregnancy, infertility issues, children in general are extremely sensitive - in this particular fanfiction, Chiara has gotten pregnant against the odds while on vacation. PLEASE note that I, by no means, am trying to say that if you are suffering from fertility issues, taking a vacation/reducing stress/changing the environment would definitely help you. There are some cases /that I know of/ in which it did help, however I would never dare to say that it’s the solution. I just need to make sure that I acknowledge how difficult and sensitive the topic is.

2) I really, really wanted to write a pregnancy fic, I had this idea in my head for very, very long time. However, I also absolutely love the idea of Ethan and Chiara adopting a child (I think especially Ethan would be fond of it, since he knows what it feels like to grow up without a parent) and so here is a little HC for after this story - Matilda is indeed the ‘miracle’ and their only biological child and when she is around six years old, Ethan and Chiara decide to adopt ophraned twin girls Luna and Siria. Purposefully girls, because I can see Ethan not trusting women after his mother leaves him and feeling like no woman could ever love him truly and boom suddenly there are four women in his life that love him more than life itself and he is proven wrong every day.

3) the story about the name Matilda is so funny/tragic that I have to write about it - I love the name, always loved and believed that I would name my daughter Matilda one day. My man hates the name so it’s off the table and I always knew that little Ramsey would be named Matilda to pursue my dream at least fictionally. When I was looking for some photos at David Gandy’s IG, I found out that his very own daughter is named Matilda. Whoa. Then, I was on a search for a faceclaim for Chiara and boom - the girl is named Matilda. Ooops. And only when this fic was finished and I googled the name Matilda for some reason, I found out that there is kinda popular person named Matilda Ramsay and I was just like okay screw this. But I couldn’t bring myself to change the name, so here it is. Sorry not sorry.

Taglist: @takemyopenheart @maurine07 @senseofduties @mercury84choices @flightlessbirdiee @udishaman @honeyandsunfl0wers @ohchoices @adrex04 @queencarb @archxxronrookie @choicesfan10 @whatchique @drariellevalentine @gryffindordaughterofathena @mvalentine @doilooklikeiknow @custaroonie @secretwolfdreamertree @jamespotterthefirst

#also I could've named the fic COUCH #since 90% of the story happens on some #ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #open heart #open heart choices #open heart fanfiction

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hopelesshawks · 4 years

Text

Physical Fatality Part 4- Task Force Bonding

18+ Hawks x fem, pro hero!reader

Summary: You’re a rising star in All Might’s agency. Hawks is the darling of Endeavor’s. By virtue of your job descriptions, the two of you are supposed to hate each other, or at the very least be cautiously neutral. For a long time that’s exactly what the two of you did. You stayed out of each other’s way and formed little opinion of the other. One fateful night at an HPSC gala changes all that. Based on the album Hopeless Fountain Kingdom by Halsey.

If you don’t want to see Physical Fatality content blacklist #hopelesspf

This story will have multiple NSFW parts so it is 18+ ONLY minors dni

Warnings for alcoholism mention, hand job, fingering

Masterlist

“Boys, I’ve got an announcement,” Hawks declares as he strolls into the office and grabs a seat by Shoto and Tokoyami. “Is it an explanation of what the fuck you did last night to end up soaking wet and late to evacuate from an emergency?” Shoto asks. “Actually yes it is,” Hawks replies smugly. “Wait actually? Ok what is it?” Tokoyami says as both he and Shoto turn to give Hawks their full attention. “I’m in love,” Hawks declares. Tokoyami and Shoto both groan and go back to paying attention to the tasks they’d been focused on when Hawks first walked in. “Hey what’s with those reactions?” Hawks pouts. “We already know you think you’re in love with Mirko. We were expecting actual news,” Shoto says by way of explanation. “What? No, not Mirko. Mirko and I are done. Mirko is dead,” Hawks says. “Mirko is dead?” “Not literally Shoto.” “Right. Who are you in love with then?” “I don’t actually know her name.”

Hawks does not appreciate the incredulous looks both Tokoyami and Shoto give him. “Will you guys just let me explain! Look it was like when I first saw her it was like magnets. There was just something pulling me towards her. So, of course, I had to approach her,” Hawks explains. “She rejected you didn’t she?” Tokoyami interrupts. “Oh is that why you don’t know her name?” Shoto asks. “No! Oh my god let me finish,” Hawks says exasperatedly. “Ok, ok we’ll let you finish,” Tokoyami cedes as he and Shoto both raise their hands in surrender. “Thank you. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,” Hawks starts again with a roll of his eyes, “I approached her and we got talking and she suggests we go to the hotel bar. Except we get there and it’s closed. So we steal a bottle and break into the hotel pool.” “Hence the soaking wet part,” Shoto says. “Exactly, hence the soaking wet part. Anyway we had a magical evening and even more magical sex and I’ve never met anyone like her before and I’m in love,” Hawks finishes. “Why the fuck didn’t you get her name then?” Tokoyami asks. “The goddamn alarm went off. Apparently she just broke off an engagement or something so she didn’t want the scandal of us going outside together and I forgot to ask her before she ran off,” Hawks admits. “So what’s the game plan?” Shoto asks. “Try and find her I guess. She was there alone so she must be a top hero, it’s just a matter of figuring out which one,” Hawks shrugs. Before he can start pitching his ideas for discovering your identity, he is interrupted by Endeavor’s voice summoning the three men into his office. Shoto rolls his eyes and Tokoyami just shrugs, before all three of them stand and do as told.

Endeavor looks pissed. Hawks briefly wonders if he somehow found out about the stolen bottle or lock picking from the previous night but dismisses that thought. The press hadn’t caught wind of you and his private party in the pool so he sincerely doubts Endeavor did. Furthermore, as long as he wasn’t putting up bad headlines Endeavor generally didn’t care what Hawks did. Endeavor had faith in him and he so rarely made the news for anything particularly scandalous that he generally only got a slap on the wrist on the odd occasion he did have a slightly too public breakup. Finally, if this were about last night why were Shoto and Tokoyami called in? “So it turns out the emergency last night wasn’t an accident. It’s still unclear who’s responsible but the HPSC is classifying this as top priority since it looks like it was an attempt to wipe out all the top heroes while we were gathered in one place,” Endeavor explains. “Ok? Why do you look like All Might pissed in your cereal?” Shoto asks with a raised eyebrow. “Shoto!” Endeavor chastises. “What? Am I wrong? Why are you so pissed?” Shoto presses. Endeavor sighs heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose as if Shoto is giving him a migraine. He probably is. “The reason I am… less than thrilled, is because the HPSC has requested we form a task force with the top three heroes from All Might’s agency in order to tackle the issue,” Endeavor admits. “Oh nice, it’s been a minute since I talked to Izuku or Bakugo,” Shoto shrugs. “Who’s the third top in their agency now? Is it still Monoma?” Tokoyami asks. “Jesus you UA kids really are ridiculous,” Hawks comments. “Whatever Mr. Youngest Pro to break top 5 in history,” Shoto replies. “To answer your question Tokoyami,” Endeavor says pointedly as he gives Hawks and Shoto a look, “I’m not sure. It’s not Monoma anymore it’s some girl now. I believe her hero name is Artemis. She moved up after the annual announcement ceremony so her new ranking technically hasn’t been announced yet.” “I’m sure Monoma loved that,” Tokoyami chuckles. “In any case you all will find out who she is soon enough. We’re going to All Might’s office to meet with them in a minute,” Endeavor declares.

“So let me get this straight,” Bakugo says as you pretend to do paperwork, “you evacuated the building almost twenty minutes late, giving Deku a heart attack and almost necessitating a search team to go in, only to arrive dripping wet with no explanation, because you were having some of the best, most mind blowing sex of your life with a mystery man.” “Yep,” you reply shortly. “And you didn’t bother to fucking get his name or number?” He asks incredulously. “Yea sounds about right,” you say. “Why not (y/n)? Maybe he’s the love of your life? Maybe you two are destined to be together and that’s why you felt such a pull to him,” Midoriya suggests. It amazes you sometimes how someone so terrifying in battle can be such an optimistic puppy outside of it. “I don’t do relationships Izu, you know this,” you sigh, giving up on being productive. “You did with Monoma,” he points out. “Yea, because I had to for the sake of my career. And look how that turned out,” you argue. “You know it’s not the same thing dumbass,” Bakugo interjects. “Look, last night was fucking incredible, I’ll admit, but that’s it. Mystery man would want nothing to do with me the moment he realized how messy I actually am,” you sigh. “That’s not true,” Midoriya insists. “Why are we talking about me anyway when Bakugo finally fucked Red Riot?” you whine. “What? Kacchan is that true?” “Both of you shut the fuck up!”

Hawks will never get used to how deeply the Endeavor-All Might feud runs within the agencies, especially lower down the ladder. As he, Shoto, Tokoyami, and Endeavor enter the lobby the other heroes of the agency whisper amongst themselves. He doesn’t bother trying to parse out what they’re saying. He knows it will be the usual outlandish rumors about his boss and how horrid he, Tokoyami, and Shoto must be to stand the man at all. He’s not worried about Dynamight and Deku. As fiercely loyal as they are to All Might, he also knows they went to school with Tokoyami and Shoto, which makes them immune to the ridiculous rumors. The mysterious third top hero he’s more curious about. If you only just got promoted that means you’d been amongst the gossiping lower ranked heroes for much of your career and may be more inclined to believe them. He only hopes you’ll at least be professional enough not to let it interfere with work. The four of them take the elevator to the top floor and step out into the main office space there as Endeavor leads the way to All Might’s office. Hawks notices Shoto and Tokoyami throw a wave to someone so he turns to see who. He notices Bakugo and Midoriya first but as his eyes slide to see who the third person with them is he stops in his tracks. There you are: his mystery girl. He’d been worried he’d never see you again and yet there you are. As if sensing his eyes on you, you turn only to make eye contact with him. Your eyes go wide as you seem to recognize him back. He tries to think of something, anything, to say or do but before he can Shoto notices him lagging behind and with a roll of his eyes drags him into All Might’s office behind the rest of the Endeavor squad.

“What the fuck,” you say still in shock. Bakugo and Midoriya both turn to look at you confused. “What is it (y/n) are you ok?” Midoriya asks concerned. “Oh my god, that’s him. That’s fucking mystery man,” you tell them. “HAWKS is your mystery man?” Midoriya asks shocked. “No wonder you didn’t walk out with him. Imagine if the press found out you hooked up with someone from Endeavor’s agency the same day you ended your engagement with someone from your own,” Bakugo notes. “In my defense I didn’t know he’s in Endeavor’s agency,” you groan. “Didn’t know? Everyone knows Hawks is Endeavor’s right hand man. Dude is insanely loyal,” Midoriya comments. “I didn’t know he was Hawks!” you defend. “What the fuck other pro hero has giant ass red wings?” Bakugo asks you incredulously. “I’ve never fucking seen Hawks before so shoot me!” you defend. “How is that possible? What about during the hero ranking broadcasts, he’s been number two for years now,” Midoriya points out. “I don’t watch those. Who gives a fuck what ranking heroes are as long as they’re doing their jobs,” you comment. “Ok, what about last year? You physically went to the event with Monoma to support him,” Midoriya points out. “Oh I was completely blacked out, I don’t remember anything from that,” you shrug. Midoriya looks horrified and Bakugo mildly impressed. “What? You know he was always at his worst during events like that, I wasn’t going to go through that sober,” you defend yourself. “We need to have a serious talk later about your alcoholism,” Midoriya tells you. “Ah but I’m a fully functioning alcoholic who doesn’t drink on the job so it’s sexy.” “I- That’s-,” Midoriya stutters but before he can cobble together a sentence All Might is calling the three of you into his office. “We’re finishing this conversation later,” Midoriya warns you. “No, we’re not,” you singsong as the three of you go to join the others.

“I know you guys are familiar with Dynamight and Deku but this is Artemis. I’m sure you’ll all get along just fine,” All Might says by way of introduction. “I’m Shoto,” a man with half-white, half-red hair tells you, extending a hand. “Oh shit you’re icy hot,” you blurt out as you shake his hand. You can hear Bakugo snicker beside you as All Might gives you a look. “I mean, uh, I’ve heard a lot about you from Midoriya and Bakugo. Nice to meet you,” you recover sheepishly. “It’s quite alright. I’ve missed Bakugo’s nicknames somewhat,” Todoroki smirks. “Shut it Todoroki,” your friend replies with a roll of his eyes. “I don’t even want to know what Bakugo calls me but Tokoyami should work just fine,” a man with a bird head introduces himself. “Nice to meet you Tokoyami,” you grin as you shake his hand too.

As you finally turn to Hawks you think you could combust on the spot. Your gaze meets his and it’s just as electric as it was that first time. Your heart is pounding out of your chest and you have no idea how you’re expected to be professional with him when not even half an hour ago you were telling your friends all about how good his dick was, thinking you’d never see him again. “Name’s Hawks. It’s nice to meet you Artemis,” he grins as he extends a hand out to you. Damn him for being so cool and composed right now. “Likewise,” you reply, trying desperately not to let your panic show on your face as you shake hands with him. You almost don’t want to let back go but you yell at your brain to release him and remind yourself that you will not be pursuing anything with the admittedly charming man in front of you. “You know,” Shoto suddenly pipes up, “it would probably be a good idea for all of us to get to know each other since we will need to work together for who knows how long to get this matter settled.” Tokoyami quickly clues in to the plan. “Oh yea that’s a great point. It’s been a long time since we caught up with Bakugo and Midoriya and I can’t wait to get to know you a little better Artemis,” he chimes in. Oblivious but loving the idea all the same, Midoriya is quick to agree as well. Before you know it you’re being ushered into the back of a taxi, sandwiched between your two closest friends on the way to Shoto’s house for “task-force bonding” or whatever Midoriya had decided to call it.

Meanwhile, Hawks, Tokoyami, and Shoto pile into their own ride, after not-so-gently reminding Hawks that not all of them could fly so easily as him. “So much for your mystery girl. If you eye-fucked Artemis any harder All Might and Endeavor may have actually clued in. You’re welcome for suggesting this by the way,” Shoto says. “No, no you don’t understand Artemis is mystery girl,” Hawks explains, shaking his head in disbelief. “Are you serious?” Tokoyami asks. Hawks can only nod enthusiastically. “You owe me cold soba for a month for setting this up then,” Shoto replies easily. “Deal. Holy shit, ok, operation convince Artemis to date me is a go,” Hawks says. “That’s a horrible idea,” Tokoyami points out, “if this goes sideways you still have to work with her for God knows how long.” “Shhh, let him have his fun. If nothing else it will be entertaining to watch,” Shoto says. “Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. Just watch, it’ll be easy,” Hawks assures them.

Spoiler alert: it was not easy.

You avoided being alone with him for as long as you could. An impressive feat really, considering Midoriya seemed to be the only person in attendance not determined to get you to have a one-on-one conversation with the man. This meant you stuck pretty closely to Midoriya’s side, but, unfortunately, Midoriya had been serious about being concerned by your drinking habits, so sticking close to him meant staying far more sober than you would like to be to deal with your possible feelings for Hawks. Even with Midoriya as a shield from alone time Hawks had managed to get your real name, favorite movie, and favorite song out of you. That’s already too much information for a previous hook up to have. Eventually you decide you’re definitely going to need alcohol to get through this night so you sneak into the kitchen when no one is looking in search of booze. You’re rummaging through the cabinets when Hawks finally manages to track you down. “You won’t find anything in here. Shoto keeps most of his alcohol downstairs,” Hawks says, startling you. You clear your throat and quickly close the cabinet door you’d opened. “That obvious?” you ask sheepishly. “You’ve looked like you could use a drink since we got here. C’mon, I’ll show you,” Hawks says before turning around and heading down a hallway leading away from the others. You debate for a moment but in the end that mysterious magnetism binding you and Hawks together has your feet carrying you down the hallway after him.

He leads you to the basement where there’s an entire bar as well as a cozy living room. “Grab a seat and I’ll bring something over,” Hawks says gesturing to the couch as he moves to the bar. You take a seat and have to resist the urge to fidget as your nerves take over. You keep thinking about how much of a bad idea this is but your traitorous heart keeps you in place. Hawks pulls down a decanter of whiskey and pours both of you a glass. He carries both glasses over, with one of his feathers placing the decanter on the coffee table nearby, but as you reach to grab one he pulls it out of reach. “Ah, ah, ah. First, why don’t you tell me why you’re avoiding me,” he says. “Who says I’m avoiding you?” You ask. “Don’t insult my intelligence,” he replies immediately. “Fair enough,” you sigh, “look it’s not anything you did but last night was a one time thing. As incredible as it was, there can’t be a repeat.” “That felt like a one time thing to you?” he asks although he does finally relent and give you your glass as he takes a seat beside you. “Yep,” you lie before taking a large sip of your drink. “Liar. I know you felt what I did. That was something more. Something incredible,” he insists getting just a bit closer to you. Your heart races at his proximity but you try to stay on task. “Look I know you’re dying to get to know me, but as soon as you do you’ll wish that you never did,” you insist. “I seriously doubt that,” he replies with a shrug. “I’m serious! I’m practically an alcoholic, when I’m not working I party a lot just to get my brain to shut up, and I’m such a mess I was going to marry someone just to try and save myself from tabloid headlines and in doing so save my career,” you ramble on. “You’re overthinking this,” he tells you as he finally gets close enough that your thighs are brushing and he brings one hand up to cup your check. “Everywhere I go since I got promoted I’ve got a million different people all wanting to know me and yet I’m still alone. What makes you any different?” you ask, your eyes searching his for something even you aren’t sure of. “I’ve felt the same exact thing since I was 18,” he confesses. “I know you want to slip under my armor Hawks but I can’t,” you finally admit and it’s desperate because your resolve is starting to waver as he leans in closer to you. “Keigo.” “What?” “You want proof this is different? There it is. You’re now one of the only people in the entire world that knows that name. If I can trust you with that, surely you can trust me,” he tells you. You’re speechless. Absolutely speechless. You swore you wouldn’t get into a relationship but your heart is running rampant in your chest. “Just one chance Love. I’m not asking you to love me yet.” “Yet?” “Yet. For now I’m just asking for a chance. Ok?” “Ok Keigo.”

When he finally closes the distance between you two to press his lips to yours it’s like getting your first taste of oxygen after suffocating. It’s a sweeter kiss this time, lacking the urgency from the previous night. It’s like he knows beneath everything your heart is still kind of delicate. His hands move to your waist as he gently pushes you back so you’re laying down on the couch, him following you down until he’s on top of you, his legs straddling your own. There are probably a million reasons you shouldn’t be doing this but you can’t recall a single one as one of his hands slips beneath the hem of your shirt. All the thoughts you had of pushing him away earlier in the night abandon you in favor of their polar opposite. Now you cannot possibly get him close enough. Before long he deftly slides a hand down your pants and into your panties. “Fuck, you’re already so wet for me,” he groans. “Of course, I am, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head since last night,” you reply and you’re shocked by your honesty. “Me too, baby. Me too,” Hawks pants as he slips one of his fingers inside of you. You gasp at the sensation as his finger drags along your inner wall, almost immediately finding that one spot that has you damn near seeing stars. You’re eager to return the favor so as he inserts a second and third finger you reach one of your hands down his pants to grasp hold of his hard and leaking erection. Your thumb swipes over the head to collect some of the precum gathering there before you begin working his shaft, sliding your hand up and down along it in time with the way his fingers move inside of you. You never thought something so simple could feel so incredible. The two of you move in tandem, your hips starting to buck into each thrust of his fingers and him fucking into your hand like he could never get enough. The two of you haven’t even bothered to remove your clothes, just loosened things enough to gain the access you need. His thumb begins to press circles to your clit and shortly thereafter the two of you finally reach climax together, his seed spilling on your hand and shirt as you cum around his fingers. Even as the two of you are coming down, he presses kisses to your lips, your neck, your cheek, and just about anywhere else he can reach.

“I’m gonna need a new shirt,” you finally huff out as you slowly start to collect yourself, wiping your hand off on your shirt since it’s ruined already anyway. Keigo laughs and you have to admit it’s one of the most beautiful sights you’ve ever seen. “You can borrow my over shirt. I guess it’s a good thing I wore layers,” he laughs as he shifts to give you space to straighten out your jeans and remove your now soiled shirt. He takes off the plaid shirt he’d been wearing and hands it to you, leaving him in just a black tee. You put on the borrowed shirt and button it up as he too straightens himself out so it’s at least a little less obvious what the two of you have been getting up two. As you finish adjusting your clothing Keigo leans in to kiss you one more time, before whispering against your lips “You won’t regret this. I promise.”

For some reason you’re inclined to believe him.

Author’s Note: This is probably obvious but I’m gonna say it anyway READER’S RELIANCE ON ALCOHOL IS VERY UNHEALTHY. Midoriya is right to be concerned. On a more fun note, if any of you are curious yes the others realized that Hawks and (y/n) were suspiciously absent, yes they knew even before the two of them came back upstairs what they’d been up to. Bakugo, Todoroki, and Tokoyami even placed bets on how long it would take for it to happen Todoroki won

Taglist [open]: @akkaso @cathy8taffy @eeppff @iikillerkitteh

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fortune-fool02 · 3 years

Text

Blind Love

Gorgon Robert Speedwagon x blind, female reader

Requested by: anonymous

May I request a scenario with Gorgon Speedwagon and a y/? reader? Like Speedwagon just thought that y/n is just another of his victims, until he finds out that y/n is actually blind and was unaware that they were sent there to die because other people think that y/n is useless because of their blindness.

Gorgon AU

Please enjoy.

It was not uncommon for people of the village to leave livestock out in the forest every few weeks. It was part of their life, just how some may feed their pets, they do so to feed something else. But rather for entertainment and pleasure, the people of the village did so to appease the creature that lurked within the forest surrounding the village.

Many stories of the creature were shared around a light fire, told to young children to keep them from misbehaving and wandering too far away from the path, and those who were unfortunate enough to have to travel at night. Once the sun would begin to set, everyone would return to their homes, lock their doors and close their windows, leaving the village in a cold silence only broken by the wind’s whispers and distance rustle of leaves.

The important thing with the village was its inhabitants looked out for one another, helping whenever they could for everything. Be that to bring in wood for fires to endure the cold winters or to help grow crops for supplies, working from dawn to dusk until their hands were raw or tired. They could not afford any slackers or additional hands that could not work.

[Name] was unsure of what the villagers were doing as her sight had been stolen before she was even born, resulting her pale, almost empty looking eyes that held a very pale colour of [Eye colour]. She would spend many days in her home, tending to her day-to-day life the best she could, having been able to adapt to her life well. Other villagers did come to help her and care for her but there were those who saw her as useless because of her eyes. And so, a vote had been taken without her knowing, to send her into the forest for the beast. The beats would be fed for easily a month or two, sparing them one of their best livestock and also reducing a mouth to feed. To them, it was a win-win situation.

So when [Name] treaded down the path with her walking stick, her head turned a little, following the sounds around her. “Elena? Where did you go?” she called out, one hand outstretched, feeling around for her friend who had been walking with her moment ago that just vanished. She could not hear her nor sense her. Did she leave her? “Elena?” she called out again, but heard no response other than the scuttering of small critters that jumped among the branches above her head. The coldness swirling in the air, nipping at her skin lightly, indicating that it must be close to dark.

[Name]’s footsteps lightly crunched fallen leaves as she wandered aimlessly, trying to find her way back to the village but was merely a rabbi wandering in circles, lost and alone. Vulnerable. Eyes among the forest watched her, stalking her, an invisible follower trailing after her. The young woman felt around and took a seat onto a cool, smooth rock to try and think.

A low hissing sound was close, catching her attention. Was she close to a river or another form of water source? She was unsure and tried to relax.

“Well, what’sss thisss now?” A voice hissed close to her, catching her off-guard, and looked around towards the source of the voice, searching for it. “A losst rabbit?” Again the voice hisses and turned towards the area of the voice, feeling a presence close by.

“I am afraid so, sir.” She answered truthfully, “A friend of mine seems to have wandered off without me, or it might be the other way around.” she added, thinking of Elena for a moment. She didn’t quite understand why she would suddenly leave like that. The stranger moved around her, curious of this odd woman who showed no fear to him.

Speedwagon had encountered humans before, and was often responded with fear. Gorgons were feared, and he did often use that to his advantage to get what he wanted. But this woman, she showed no fear, no horror. Nothing. He positioned himself in front of her, his dark slitted eyes gazing into hers and yet she remained flesh and blood, not stone. How was this possible? Nothing living was immune to this.

Curious, he waved his clawed hand in front of her eyes and she gave no reaction to this. “Are you....can you sssee me?” He asked, and she shook her head.

“No, sir. I cannot see anything.” Now he understood why her eyes were strange, and why she was all the way out here alone. Thinking, he tried to debate on what to do. Killing a blind person felt wrong, cruel even. He may be a gorgon but he wasn’t a merciless killer. He could not just leave her here either.

“Come with me, I’ll get you sssomeplace sssafe.” he said, gently taking her by the elbow. She smiled at this and stood up, holding onto him a little, her fingers brushing against the scales. A smooth texture with a light roughness like stone.

“Thank you, sir. May I ask your name please? My name is [Name].” she spoke, her head tilted towards his direction, a warm smile on her lips. Speedwagon smiled lightly in return at it,

“Ssspeedwagon.” It has been some time since someone had even asked him his name. It felt nice. She smiled,

“It’s nice to meet you, Speedwagon.”

#speedwagon #robert e o speedwagon #jojo bizarre adventure #speedwagon x reader #jojo bizzare adventure x reader #jojo #jojo x reader #jojo part 1 #phantom blood #phantom blood x reader #robert edward o speedwagon #reo speedwagon #gorgon au #gorgon speedwagon

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violet-t-9 · 3 years

Text

Check in on my (not very realistic) wish list for episode 139

1. Nobody dies in the potential battle against Lucien/the Somnovem? I will be fine with temporary unconciousness but please nobody actually dies? Will they even fight? What was going on with the cliffhanger? I have so many questions!

Hey nobody died! Nobody even went unconscious. Can't believe we have a part 2 to this epic boss fight. This showdown is awesome! At least we know what will happen next episode.

2. The group uses their new eye powers for something (group telepathy will be hilarious, especially accidental) or just in general goof off with their new eyes.

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now

3. Beau or Caleb discover more new eye functions that we have not seen before (antimagic cone anyone? Does the eye location have any meaning? Lucien’s was also on the chest right?)

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now. If the locations mean anything, so far it's not revealed.

4. We get to see more of the party members’ new powers/abilities since they levelled up and got a long rest! Let’s gooo.

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH thanks Cad. It's a new power we haven't seen before! Caleb knows gravity fissure now, apparently! Fjord and Veth also considered using new abilities before the break. Jester used contagion on Lucien! It was a nice try.

5. They get some sort of contact with/update from the material plane (i.e. their family, Yussa, or anybody else I guess just not Trent please), it’s been a while I wonder what’s going on over there. Has Jester’s parent trap succeeded fully yet? Has the assembly been investigated yet? Has Yussa figured out what the Nein did with his emergency exit gift? How are Yeza and Luc doing in the crime bar? Is the Dynasty looking into Essek? So many possibilities.

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now

6. The M9 succeed in stopping the city from going to the material plane and find a way to potentially destroy it by the end of the episode.

It appears that them plane shifting the crest away actually does ensure that the city cannot return to the material plane, that's great news! Also, I assume destroying Lucien would be a good first step to destroying the city.

7. Beau and Yasha continue to fight like the power couple they are and to indulge in PDA in the flesh horror city (because why not). Bonus: we find out Yasha’s plans for Beau’s red cape/the cape is used by Beau in the episode.

The discussion between Beau, Yasha and Veth LMAO. Oh NO Yasha is fighting Beau again - that natural 1 though! The miss! Another natural 1! The power of love!!!! Yasha also used the battle cry to protect Beau!

8. Fjord and Jester continue to be domestic and supportive of each other in these trying times because they are great. Bonus: more Sprinkle/Artagan mentions or interactions.

Jester and Fjord starting strong with the dirty/natural 20's! Also "I'd rather you wear it" "Fjord, it's so expensive!" They are so cute. Ayy Sprinkle/Artagan both got fed the Heroes' Feast! The excitement over the ring finally working lol. "Imma cast it at 4th level" lol Jester really tried her best to remove his slow and it worked!

9. Obligatory wish for Essek’s fancy dunamancy or magical items (Bonus: STILL hoping to see more high-damage AOE offensive spells that Essek has never cast because of the party placement, dark star anybody?).

The trapped haste spell MmmMm. GRAVITY FISSURE YAY hot spell flavour is hot. THANK YOU for that dispel magic on Yasha Essek you are the best. Nice magic missile but he is out in the open oh nO he is charmed oh no is he going to dark star the party?? Wheww thank you Caleb for the dispel, at fifth level too! He was so going to dark star Lucien if Cad was not pulled.

10. Obligatory wish for Caleb’s polymorph spell on himself or a party member. Actually, let’s expand to any party member’s polymorph! Give me those sweet polymorph interactions.

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now

11. The party tries to reach Lucien by mentioning Molly and Lucien actually having a physical reaction to their words.

Wow that was a physical reaction alright, definitely to Jester and Caleb's mention of Molly's name. Jester's song also had an effect. Everybody is trying yay! Well, it was worth a try. BEAU'S bonus action Gustuv talk made him lose a legendary action WOW. Fjord's, Caleb's attempt also succeeded. In round 2, Beau removed 1 legendary action, followed by Jester

12. Obligatory wish for Essek’s room in the tower (it will stay until it happens).

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now

13. Obligatory wish for Cad being a MVP in and out of combat because he always is.

CAD what a good pep talk I love you. Path to the grave and also the reaction war caster blight, very nice.

14. I NEED MORE RP PLEASE like last week’s high intensity combat was fun but I miss one-on-one conversations give them to me thank you. Longer conversations are even better.

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now, however there was a lot of Molly RP involved.

15. Everybody being super freaked out/creeped out by the terrible flesh city thanks to Matt’s wonderfully detailed and awesome descriptions.

The damaged state of the city, how it leans towards Lucien's cocoon thing and Lucien's transformation... OH NO the stalks not the tentacle stalks.

16. At least one of the party members get mind-influenced/charmed by some effect during the combat (well at least Caleb’s got mind blank and Veth got intellect fortress, but I would be surprised if there was no mind shenanigans).

Well, I knew it would happen. Gaudius, the eye of longing/love that did not affect Beau DID charm Yasha with a failed wis save and Yasha attacked Beau, again. However thanks to Essek it didn't last long!

17. Somebody check in a bit on Essek’s mental state because he is clearly not entirely desensitized as seen from last episode. At least he got a full rest so physically he is fine (just squishy, like wizards are).

Hey Essek got to open up a little bit before their final fight, so that was great.

18. Caleb uses more fire or his customized spells or just any cool spells in general I guess because what’s sexier than wizards NOTHING I’m still hyped from last week.

Gravity fissure already?? Sweet max damage, despite the save! Caleb you can literally just copy any spell you see cast can't you, high int wizard I love you. Also the use of that potion and the scroll were pretty smart too.

19. We learn more about Lucien’s motives and what he is actually trying to do, or more about the Somnovem’s different? motives because I was very confused last episode. Lucien wants to “parent” the Somnovem by bombing them with 10 intuit charges, like okay are you sure you are not trying to kill them? Then again, if that doesn’t severely damage the Somnovem I don’t know what will.

Well we now know that Lucien has all the Somnovem power inside himself now and is still very much wanting to bring back the city - at least he can't right now because of the threshold crest they got rid of last session. This clarifies a lot. I guess the "parenting" was to weaken the Somnovem for him to absorb them all into himself?

20. Obligatory wish for everyone to remain relatively happy and alive by the end of the episode except Lucien, and the episode ends on a terrifying cliffhanger as always.

I mean, should have known that Lucien cannot be killed in 1 session. Otherwise though, what an episode! What a session! Absolutely amazing.

Bonus:

ESSEK IS MAKING A JOKE LMAO I can't with this man, he is also giving everybody spells/gifts, cute - I guess wizards all have the save love language.

CALEB IS ABOVE 100 HP thank you Jester for that 17 roll from Heroes' Feast! I knew you'd do it. The feast was so crucial in their combat too, what a queen. Caleb always be covering his friends in his anti-aberration cone, and burning Lucien's legendary reactions. Great moves.

Veth are you... horny for Lucien??? LMAO

OH NO Gaudius on Essek this is the alternative Essek bossfight timeline OH NO but at the same time YES the angst- oh nvm Caleb thanks lol.

Extra - combat notes for my record:

Saves minus # eyes

Elatis - Excitement, pulling the target 120 ft towards Lucien + eye.

Ira - Rage, fireball effect AOE damage.

Fastidan - Disgust (wilting dull green) necrotic damage

Luctus - Grief (Dex save), slow spell effect.

Timorei - fear effect, but negated by Heroes' feast immunity.

Culpasi - guilt (Con save) disadvantage on saving throws +...

Miramus - (wis save)

Vigilan - the eye that moves/emanates the anti-magic cone

Gaudius - (wis save) charm effect

WHAT A FIGHT! I can't wait for part 2 and hopefully that's Lucien's final form. I did not think that the Molly influence will have such a profound effect, but I sure am glad it did! Everyone was so amazing in this combat, I love it all.

#cr spoilers #the mighty nein #critical role #critical role spoilers #c2e139 #cr liveblog

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dailydestieldose · 4 years

Text

Dean had to burn Cas like the nuns

Dean had to burn Charlie and Cas like the nuns

He had to fucking DO that, as stonefaced as he had to be front of his father when burning the nuns

(Oh god he’s looking at he’s watching me for a reaction this is a warning. A threat. It’s an open fire and a...trip...would be so easy. He knows he knows he knows he knows I kissed Lee he knows I’m—)

Do you think he looked as defeated burning the nuns?

Did he think back to his teenage self, buried in the closet like the charred nuns in their SEPARATE graves?

Did he think about John walking away, while throwing over his shoulder, “Salt and burn em. Bunch off queers, anyway...”

Did he remember learning that playing with fire will burn him, but wielding it will burn every part of him away until he’s immune to it. Like metal. Shrapnel. A used bullet, as in the aftermath of inflicted evil, weaponized. A hammer to be wielded against what’s the same as him.

A boy with a match and a gun moves from one side of the cage bars to the other. To be a queer boy, and then a boy with a match is to widen the bars of his cage, just far enough that you can’t see them. Just enough to almost feel free. But you still smell the smoke from others’ who’s final cage was a burning coffin. A smoke signal sos. A plea. A warning.

Did he think about the shower that night, scrubbing and crying (boys don’t cry boys don’t cry boys don’t cr-) until his skin bled? (Oh god it’s in me I’m a monster it’s in my blood oh GOD)

Was he almost relieved? Now that he can stop wondering? What might’ve been. If it’s okay. Is being in love okay?

It’s not

I’m warmed at the pyre of all the reasons why it’s not okay

The first law I learned on a hunt was the law of of gravity. The crushing gravity of The Truth. The Despair. (And a single misstep might cause my father to “accidentally” burn me with my sins)

The fire is burning my skin, but I ignore it. (And yet I am cold, come back Cas, I’m so cold, you used to lend me your trench coat when I was cold, do you remember? I do not yet know you are in the empty, not heaven, but I think of you constantly. Are you with me right now? I mean to ask, did I make you happy? Am I your heaven? When I die, will we both have each other in memories, together but separate? Like two burning coffins?)

He is burning, along with everything I was (I was his)

And now I’m at peace with this new revelation. It’s relieving to let go of the childish notions I had standing over the nuns, that maybe one day it’ll be safe enough.

I do not have such childish notions anymore

I can never be happy

The man I love will always die

Our love will always be too dangerous

I would kill a man if I ever made love to him, like there’s poison on my lips

I killed those nuns, I killed Benny, Lee and now I’ve killed Cas

(Jack is an extension of that love; he’s Cas’ CHILD, I cannot help but love him)

I CANNOT love him

I look at him and all I see is everything I’ve lost

(He looks like Cas)

(He is kind and selfless like Cas)

He is a monster

(He smiles like his father, quiet and reserved.) I want to smack the smile off his face.

Who said you could act like him? You are not him, you are NOT my son. I will not be your parent. I will not raise another man’s son in his absence.

Jack takes honey in his coffee. (I hope he chokes on it oh god it hurts)

I am NOT GOING TO BE YOUR PARENT

(I will bring you Jack coffee the way he and Cas like it. I will not look into your blue eyes in his face, Cas)

(My father didn’t look at my Mary-green eyes after Mary burned either)

Every man I ever love, in any way, will someday die

Even my son

(he’s not my son, he killed Cas, he didnt kill Cas, it’s his fault, he’s a baby, he’s a monster, he’s Cas’ baby, he’s Lucifer’s son, he has Cas’ eyes, oh god every man I ever come to love will someday die, including their son, including MY son, he fucking has Cas’ eyes, oh my god)

But I’d rather kill myself than be without Cas

Funny how when Dean killed himself after Cas’ death it was over ghosts

One was a scared teenage boy who just wants to live

Two nuns in love

One was a scared teenage boy who just wants to live

An angel who fell groundward to fall in love and have a family

(They haunt me. I am haunted by who I never got to be. My identity was erased before I ever got to speak it. I wanted to be more.)

I never deserved anything

(I am forever haunted by their ghostly hands on me, gliding on my skin like ice, leaving behind salt water, like tears. Whenever I close my eyes, I am trapped, DROWNING, possessed by the many father wanted me to be. Their hands grip my throat, coffin cold, as The Truth freezes on my tongue each time a man sets my stomach ablaze with emotions I do not let myself think about. The emotion smells like smoke, and that which I cannot have.)

Mother, should I be more ashamed of who I am, or who I am not?

(I needn’t ask; I’m bone deep ashamed of both.)

Father, should I pray for forgiveness over what I’ve done or what I have not?

(Your answer matters; I do not often genuflect, save for you. It’s the same as begging, or crying out. Boys do not cry about what they can never have. Men do not get on their knees for men.)

And then Billie TELLS us Dean was so quick to suicide because of Cas

Do you think he was relieved in his last seconds? That him being in love with Cas comforted him, made him HAPPY? Or was he just looking forward to seeing Cas in heaven?

Do you think he was happy in his last seconds? That him being in love with Cas comforted him, made him HAPPY? Or was he just looking forward to seeing Cas in heaven?

I know the memories of Cas won’t actually be Cas, but I’ll believe it, I’d impale my heart just to see him again, I’d empty this syringe of it’s poison directly into my heart and go still like my father’s homophobia SILENCED me then, ah god the poison burns, it’s supposed to be quick, it feels like I’m on FIRE—

(Cas, I lov—

#original #my thoughts #destiel writing

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