#and someone much more patient and mentally healthy

[icryyoumercy]

@nimblermortal

first, because these things are important nowadays, i am not a medical professional, this is not professional medical advice, the WHO has helpful information about malaria, when living or travelling in a region where malaria happens, mosquito repellent and appropriate protective gear are mandatory and non-negotiable, and so on

quinine is made from tree bark, which makes it one of the two medically useful things made from tree bark i know of, and also makes me wonder how people learn these things. were they just. walking around biting random trees. is the desire to chew on tree bark just part of what makes humans human.

it has initially been used as a muscle relaxant by the quechua people, to treat uh. random shivering? which is apparently a thing people sometimes do? which i could look into, but then i'd probably get distracted

the spaniards brought it back to europe, as they did with so many things, and because things like germ theory and microbiology and chemistry were still centuries from being discovered, what people knew of malaria was that it causes fever and thus shivering with very noticeable periodicity. and they had just been told about a thing that can stop shivering, so might as well give it a shot. if the symptoms are all you are aware of, the symptoms are all you can treat.

and for some utterly baffling reason, it turned out it didn't just help against shivering, it actually cured malaria? which. wasn't what anyone was aiming for, but gift horses and all that.

rome, being located very conveniently in a swamp, and having a rather inconvenient amount of popes and other people important to the catholic church, was perfectly located to pioneer such treatment and make a great many of the rich and powerful (and thus by advertisment of word of mouth and rumor everyone else) want some more of this marvellous drug, which made quinine (that is, the bark it's extracted from) one of peru's most important stolen goods

then, of course, a lot of fucked up colonialism happened (including in africa, because it's hard to do colonialism while dying of malaria), because europeans were unwilling to engage in things like fair and equal trade with non-europeans, we get fun medical price gouging and attempts at monopolies and general unpleasantness, and someone finally managed to isolate the exact chemical compound instead of just grinding up the bark and mixing it with something that tastes better than tree bark

and around the 1940s, malaria treatments with fewer unpleasant side effects were discovered (which i know nothing about and won't look up because adhd), and by 2006 the WHO has declared that quinine shouldn't be used as the first choise in treating malaria for a variety of reasons, including resistant strains and aforementioned side effects

also, if you're really curious about the taste, tonic water is traditionally made with quinine, and has been used as a prophylactic against malaria. once it wasn't used for that purpose any longer, though, people have decided to add less quinine and more sugar and citrus because they didn't enjoy just how incredibly bitter that stuff was. also, the FDA says you can't have more than 83 ppm of quinine per liter of tonic water, so if you wanted to treat malaria with it, you'd need to drink some ten liters per day, and if you want to use it for prevention, you'd need around 20 liters per day, at which point malaria seems like the better option

what tonic water can help with, on the other hand, is muscle cramps! not sure how much of that is the quinine and how much is the placebo effect, but at that point, we're back to readily available and comparatively harmless

either way, in the 1860's, it was one of the few actually working medical things (along with chloroform and diethyl ether for general anaesthesia, and opium for pain relief), so they will throw it at anything that has even the slightest ressemblance to periodic fever (to be fair, a number of other things they did also had the required medical effects, they just ran afoul of paracelsus's basic adage of toxicity

Alle Dinge sind Gift, und nichts ist ohne Gift; allein die Dosis macht, dass ein Ding kein Gift ist. All things are poison, and nothing is without poison; the dosage alone makes it so a thing is not a poison.

—Paracelsus, 1538

by reaching the poisonous dosage at the same or a much earlier point than the therapeutic dosage)

[obsidianmama]

It's amazing how often tantrums can be avoided or ended just by acknowledging a toddler's feelings. Just know L was throwing a fit because she didn't want her diaper changed, screaming and running away and opening the diaper drawer to demand I put the clean pull-up away. I sat down in front of her potty and was quietly sifting through my thoughts, trying to remember how to stay in the moment enough to fix it while also staying calm. Finally I managed to bring my brain around to step 1 of problem-solving with kids: acknowledge and accept the feeling.

I calmly said to her "You don't want to change your diaper right now. Having to change your diaper right now makes you frustrated."

Her screaming stopped, though she still cried, and she closed the drawer and ran down the hall toward me with her arms open for a hug. I hugged her, and then we got her diaper changed with no problem. She even helped throw it away, as she usually does.

A lot of her tantrums go like this. Sometimes she just needs to know that I understand how she feels about the situation, and that her feelings matter to me. Not all problems can be solved just by acknowledging feelings, but a surprisingly significant number can, and it's the best place to start.

[olderthannetfic]

I think we need to talk more about the fact that AO3 has just as much potential to be addicting as social media platforms like Twitter and TikTok, despite its lack of algorithm. And I say this as someone who LOVES AO3 and uses it on a daily basis.

I know a lot of the memes and comments about neglecting your health and responsibilities due to AO3, or having a breakdown whenever there's a server maintenance, are most likely facetious, but I genuinely worry for people who really do have such an unhealthy relationship with the site. Yes, AO3 is free of most of the toxicity associated with social media, and that's a good thing, but it does have a near-infinite amount of free content to read and enjoy. Besides, everything should be consumed in moderation, even healthy things like fruit and veg. If you're so dependent on AO3 that a server maintenance genuinely makes you feel depressed, that's a problem.

Also, I know the downtimes are frustrating, but please be patient with the VOLUNTEERS who are using their FREE TIME to keep the site up and running. Shit happens sometimes. AO3 being offline for a couple of hours is not the end of the world. Hell, for some people it might even be for the best.

--

Heh. I think it's for the best because it reminds people not to take it for granted.

But as for AO3 obsession being a problem... I'd say rather that it's a symptom.

Retreating into a good novel to the point that you fuck over your life isn't about the novel; it's about other mental health issues or miserable life circumstances.

We talk about TikTok in those terms because it's designed to cause a problem in the first place even without underlying issues to prey upon.

[saturnicos]

— paper rings

summary: making origami with Kalim.

[tw/cw]: none.

[a/n]: a silly idea I had, just wanted to write something fluffy for Kalim /o\ I'm also a little sleepy, has not been proofread and may have some grammar errors

You found yourself on the floor of Scarabia's dorm leader's exquisite room, surrounded by stacks of decorated paper, crayons, teapots, and an assortment of homemade sweets — you should remember to thank Jamil later — in addition, of course, from Kalim's warm smile, who watched you teach him with excitement like an eagle.

A few days ago, by coincidence, you and Kalim had a History of Magic class with Professor Trein when he decided to combine two classes for a project, and, as expected, the class was tedious and the minutes pass more and more slowly. As a way to occupy your mind, you detached a sheet of paper from the notebook and divided it into several small squares, each of which was folded and created different origami objects/animals.

Kalim's gaze didn't go unnoticed because of this, even more so because he was your partner during the class — since Jamil wouldn't have this subject in his grade for the day due to an inconsistency in the bimonthly class union, and you knew it wouldn't be mentally healthy to leave Kalim with a possibly chaotic partner — he looked with sparkle in his eyes at each new figure made, praising your skill and begging you to teach him this tradition from your world.

And Kalim isn't someone who gives up easily when he is curious, which is what led you to where you are.

He, despite not being the best student you ever had, clearly tried to put his best into every fold he did, however, most of the time, he got lost during the process, turning what was supposed to be a swan into a right-angled triangle.

Kalim's determination didn't seem to end even with the series of mistakes, which made your heart warm with the persistence and enthusiasm that the boy exuded.

You then decided to choose the simplest origami you could remember for Kalim to replicate, hoping he would get the hang of the fold directions. To do this, you remembered the simple folding of a ring which, even though there were several ways to fold it and decorate it with heart/cat/frog shapes, it was quite simple to memorize the few steps.

— How about trying for a ring? — you offered as you reached out to take Kalim's latest work, which looked better than expected, even if it had some overlapping corners. He gave a proud smile.

— A ring? Looks cool! — Kalim smiled as he watched you carefully, crossing his legs to get into a more comfortable position and resting his elbows on his knees, resting his face in the palms of his hands.

— There's even a song in my world about it. The singer says something like this to symbolize the non-need for something luxurious for a commitment to be genuine. — You laughed at the memory of the ridiculously famous pop song in your world, remembering how it was often used for dedications between couples in love, becoming a bubblegum and viral song for a long time.

— Here, let me teach you. — you quickly cut a simple sheet of paper to the exact size with great precision (much to your own amazement) and slowly showed the step by step to Kalim, even though it was a very simple origami to learn.

As soon as you finished it — even though it wasn't perfectly folded, but you gave yourself a discount because it was just a demonstration — Kalim's eyes lit up when he saw the finished piece. Taking the reins after feeling that he could replicate the origami accurately — which he said in the last pieces that ended with some wrong fold —, Kalim picked up a paper particularly decorated in gold from the pile scattered on the floor, turning it to the side with an amused smile.

You chuckled to yourself as you shook your head, patiently waiting for the fruits that Kalim's determination would bring as you began tidying up the bedroom floor. It had become a mess of glue and scrap paper; you could even imagine Jamil's expression if he walked through the door and saw this.

As you sorted the leftovers into a pile to later throw away, Kalim turned around as fast as lightning making his way through the skies, having a triumphant smile on his face as he leaned in to hold one of your hands with incredible enthusiasm.

Giving in to the dorm leader's warm and energetic smile, you allowed him to grab your hand. At the same step, Kalim quickly took the paper ring he had made and placed it on one of your fingers, crumpling it slightly during the process due to his excitement, however, he didn't seem to mind, paying more attention to your reaction and in the way your face were a mix between softening and startled.

Widening his smile even more — if that were even possible —, Kalim grabbed both of your hands without remembering the fragility of the paper, but without applying any kind of pressure, while he spoke in a sweet and strident tone and with his eyes shining like the crystal clear water of a river:

— I like shiny things, but I would marry you even with paper rings!

[crystallilytarot]

Choose a crocodile. How to work on your insecurities?

(I think it's more like just some advice, idk, but I hope you will enjoy it anyway)

Pile 1

If someone ever said to you that you are not good enough, it's just their opinion, it's not like the whole world said it. And especially if they are a bad person or someone who isn't even so close to you, just ignore them. Like only 1 teacher said it. But even if it was a family member, if someone really love you, they won't be mean to you. Yeah, we can learn from critics, if it's supposed to be helpful, not if it's just simply comes from jealousy. The past is the past, you should see forward, not what was before, you can do better, you can be succesful, you can be loved. Even if you weren't before. Believe in yourself more! You should stand up for yourself, but also, sometimes fighting is not worth it. You should find the balance, especially within yourself. Just focus on your goals. You have everything you need to be succesful, so you really should work on your confidense. And some things really needs time, be patient, consistent and don't give up! There's something here about either moving to another place, or traveling, and maybe you should be more often in the nature. But I think it's also a sign, that yes, you will move and travel!

Pile 2

Oh dear. I don't really read about health, but if you have anxiety or any mental health issues, please seek professional help if you can. And if you have a friend, you can trust, it would be good too. I think a lot of things here comes from mental health problems. I would say if you have any hobbies, that's a good thing, or if you are a fan of something/somebody. But make sure it's healthy, not an obsession. It can be just that you spend too much time online, and it's bad because we can see unrealistic things, and that will become unrealistic expectations. If you feel sometimes like you need to romanticize your life, escape to a fantasy world, enjoy childish things etc. It's all good, don't be ashamed to do whatever you enjoy. I think the most important here is to work on staying optimistic, keeping your faith. If something is bad, it's not the end of the world, you can try again. And you really need to love yourself more, accept yourself, your body, your personality. You are so loveable, please love yourself too, care about yourself too, not just others.

Pile 3

I think sometimes you make a decision and later you regret it. So you should think about things before. Don't be so reckless. Don't get into heated arguments. I won't say never, but sometimes we should let go of things, especially if the other person simply just won't see our point of view. Or sometimes they just don't understand you, because I think you are very smart. Also you should think about what you really want. Because we can be interested in a lot of things, but sometimes we don't have the energy to do everything or sometimes we can be bored. And it's okay to change and even stop doing stuff, if it's not enjoyable for you anymore. You can't be good at everything. But if you really want something, you can make a plan, a goal, search information, make a vision board maybe. You can do some things like this, to stay motivated. Sometimes we should take things a little lighter, nobody is perfect, it's okay to laugh even at yourself. I mean not in a mean way, but to lighten the situation sometimes. And just to have a little fun, you should laugh more often. If you work hard, that work will pay off, but you can enjoy the life too, not just when you achieve something. It's okay to be emotional too. You should take care of yourself better, do some selfcare, love yourself, and just go with the flow a little.

[queenword]

Aventurine and Jiaoqiu are not that similar. And that's great.

TW: Suicide, Depression MAJOR HSR 2.5 UPDATE SPOILERS Lately, I have been seeing a couple of people comparing Jiaoqiu with Aventurine, which I kinda get. Both of them are this kinda sassy depressed guy, who have seen a lot of war, they both form a trio with their most popular shipp, a more “traditional masculine” and serious guy (Moze for Jiaoqiu and Ratio for Aventurine), and their work colleague (Feixiao and Topaz).

But in general, I strongly disagree that they have that much in common (for me, Feixiao and Aventurine have more parallels, but I can talk more about this in other text). One important thing that no one I've seen so far seems to have noticed is that Aventurine is active suicidal, Jiaoqiu is more passive. And for me that changes everything

Maybe you haven't notice, but 2.1 Penacony story is a big metaphor about how suicide is not the answer. Aventurine talks to Ratio about the many times he tried to kill himself in the Dream. Yes it was for “testing”, but it haves a subtexts about suicide. In some point of the story, someone, that I don't remember who exactly, says something about how Aventurine is dangerous because he doesn't have anything to lose, so he gamble his own life. For me that's wrong, at least in the story that we saw. Aventurine in Penacony does not gamble his life in a way that if he succeeds he will survive, his gamble is that with his death IPC will take control of Penacony. And even if he survived (which happened only thanks to Argenti's help), he would still have to go through the stonehearts trial, which again he barely succeeded. Aventurine only survived because of his luck, because all his choices led him to death.

Jiaoqiu, on the other hand, seems to see himself with a purpose, a purpose more important than himself. “Heal everybody” in Jing Yuans (?) words, but primarily heal Feixiao. At first he needs to be alive to fulfill this purpose, but if he also needs to die to fulfill it, then that's it. Which is of course a heroic and altruistic thing to think, but it's not necessarily the way mentally healthy people think. Most people don't want to become a martyr. He reminds me of a scene from Grey's Anatomy, when Dr. Meredith puts her hand in a bomb to save a patient  when all the other people threw themselves on the ground to save their lives. A noble act but that reveals a great detachment from her own life. 

If I had to sum it up in one sentence, Aventurine makes decisions that will get him killed, while Jiaoqiu doesn't seem to care if his decisions will get him killed. And that 's great, (obviously not the characters being kinda suicidal) because thats what make them being interesting. It would be very boring and tedious if Hoyoverse just repeated the same type of character or story, especially when they seem to like stories that are metaphors for suicide (Scaramouche, Xiao...). Aventurine and Jiaoqiu are unique at their own way, and that's how it should be. 

[house-of-slayterr]

Jonathan Crane Headcanons:

Tag: @kados-of-chaos @keffirinne @myers-meadow

As I’ve said in a previous head cannon I do believe Crane has some form of OCD. Something he’s fully convinced he can treat himself as he doesn’t believe in seeing the other psychiatrist in Gotham, let alone his colleges he views an inferior at Arkham. He easily grows obsessed with patients, much more quickly than Harley ever did with Joker. But he doesn’t fall in love with that, his obsession is much much darker. His compulsion drive him to devour every part of his patients psyche, learn everything about what makes them tic, he’s gonna as far as to steal items from his favourite patients or visit them once they’re “good” enough to leave Arkham. His patient obsession helps to distract him from his Batman obsession, and he uses both to avoid the intrusive thoughts he hates so much. Most of which are about his father.

Because of this, it’s not far fetched for you to become an object of his obsession. Jonathan will learn every inch of you body, lurk in every corner of your brain. Jonathan will be sure you’re as obsessed with him as he is with you. He believes this is healthy, and will resort to giving you Stockholm syndrome to make you fall in love with him. He needs control in his relationships, he’ll only hurt his darling little bird if they break his rules, but he fully believes it’s for your safety. Jonathan would kidnap you and steal you away form everyone he thinks is poisoning you without hesitation. Even using some drugs from his job or his own fear gas if he has to, in order to program you.

I believe Jonathan enjoys more than just psychological tortures. The man loves to see red, but he’s less interested in it being by his hand specifically. To keep up his rouse he likes to “save” people, but little does everyone know he always orchestrated the situation anyways. He’s driven many patients to kill before, he finds it amusing how weak and easy they are to push over the edge. Then they get caught for doing his biding and he gets to hide in plain sight. But he’s also convinced patients to turn the blade on themselves before. Partially if you were his darling, he’d drive you to carve his name into your own skin. Do things to prove your dedication to him. He finds your devotion to him amusing and will reward you after. But he will make you worse before he lets you get better, there’s no way he’s letting you out of his care, even if it means breaking you mentally.

He cares a lot about his public imagine and what the people at large think about him. His suits, his hair, his face is always impeccable. Never a spot on his glasses or a wrinkle in his suit. He must look perfect when leaving the safety of his home or lab without his scarecrow mask. Which, by the way, is always on him or close by, he can’t be without it for too long. Once he’s trapped his darling little bird, he’ll do the same to you. He’ll fuss over hair, makeup, general appearance, he’ll even iron your clothes for you if you refuse. He won’t be seen with you unless you look as adequate as he does. He knows people like to stare when you go out, might as well give them something to stare at. But people should be careful not to stare to long or they be visited by a certain scarecrow at night, defending the honour of his favourite bird.

Jonathan I believe would be a very sexual man, he pretend at work to not be interested in anything of the sort, most people not even used to seeing the doctor dating anyone. When he’s single, his sexual fantasies play out much darker. But once he has someone to share his desires with, the man becomes a feral animal. He’s gone as far as to beg for more before, addicted to your touch, taste, sound, it’s all that distracts him now form the intrusive thoughts. He loves to tie you up, see you helpless, roleplaying as your psychiatrist or doctor is his favourite. Doing things to you he’s not allowed to do to patients. He’d never dare taint his fingers with their feeling, or his mouth with their taste. If his mind wonders, his body is still only yours. He growls a lot during sex and loves if you dig your nails into him and leave mark he has to hide. He finds it scandalous and exciting to have your little secret written all over him. Jonathan doesn’t like children, but that doesn’t mean you’re free from his breeding kink, he’s obsessed with the idea of getting you pregnant. Even if your AMAB it wouldn’t stop the filthy words from pouring out of his mouth, of how much he wish he could claim you that way. He’s certainly a dom, but he can switch between hard and soft. He’s willing to be more gentle if you need but some nights he needs to be rough, use you to get out his pent up frustrations. Usually after he comes home defeated by the Batman. He will have you at his will for hours whenever he can. Not letting up no matter how much you squirm.

Surpassingly, he’s a cat person. He’s not a big fan of dogs as most people don’t train there’s, but cats, you could convince him to rescue a few. But they must be as put together as they two of you. He will brush and groom them frequently, make sure they’re healthy and put them in little outfits for family photos. He’s much softer to them than he is to people. He’s very gentle and reassuring if an animal passes away, as he knows what to say to grieving people. He’ll not leave your side until you’re ok again.

He loves to be of service if you’re sick, tacking care of you is his top priority. Especially if it’s something serious that causes you to go to the hospital, he will be there everyday to check in for hours unless he’s pulled away from a work emergency. Even then he doesn’t leave you happily. He will nurse you back to health and bow to your every whim until you’re on your feet again. Because he knows you’d do the same for him.

No matter how tempested he is, he won’t experiment on his darling unless they ask for it. He wants to break you from your fears the same way his father freed him. But he knows how painful the process was and won’t put you through that unless you agreed or he truly thought it was for your safety. He will however get you used to his fear gas so it can never backfire and be used against him to hurt you. But don’t worry, if you scared he’ll hold you close and help you sleep at night.

Jonathan is not one to share, he won’t let any other villain in Gotham lay a hand on you. Not without consequences. He’s willing to take out the others or even work with Batman to do so just to keep you safe. He doesn’t view the other villains as his friends or colleagues and will crush them if they get in his way. Or try to hurt his little bird. Jonathan also goes feral when you wear his clothes or cologne because of it. He loves when you smell like him, it makes him happy. He never gets mad for long if one of his favorite shirts or blazers goes missing when he finds you fast asleep wearing it. He loves to show you off but makes it clear you’re just for him.

An: lol I got bored this morning idk if any of these make sense.

[spiderfreedom]

my suffering is profound and legitimate, yours is frivolous nonsense

Just reading a blogger I like but I had to laugh because she was talking about how beauty practices are bad for women's mental health, and she left a note saying "unlike gender affirming care! gender affirming care improves people's mental health and it's nothing at all like cosmetic practices."

TIL, when an older woman gets botox to remove her wrinkles and avoid facing the inevitability of decline and death, her problem is spiritual/structural and she needs to Do The Work to deprogram her ageism, unlike people with dysphoria, who of course have legitimate claims to cosmetic alteration.

And it is cosmetic - no part of the body that is altered by HRT or SRS or any of the feminization/masculinization surgeries is failing to function or functioning poorly. The problem is with the brain, which perceives the body parts as foreign or undesirable. We may sympathize with someone struggling with such a condition, but that does not change that the body parts being altered were already healthy and the alterations are cosmetic, and the relief being brought about is mental.

But plenty of trans people openly admit that separating body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria is a losing game. Contrapoints's video on "Beauty" (transcript) has the observation that she feels least dysphoric when she is meeting feminine beauty norms:

But I also think that trans people often talk like gender dysphoria is this intrinsic, personal experience that's always 100% valid and never has anything at all to do with the external pressure of beauty standards. But in fact, gender dysphoria is not sealed away in a vacuum away from the influence of societal ideals and norms.  [...] When I try to psychoanalyze myself, I find that my desires to look female, to look feminine, and to look beautiful are not exactly the same, but they're woven together so tightly that it's kind of difficult to untangle them. And the opposite is also true, that for me feeling mannish or dysphoric usually goes along with feeling ugly. I don't have a lot of days where I walk out the house thinking "well, I'm giving femme queen realness, but apart from that I look like absolute shit". 

Max Robinson's book "Detransition," from an FTM perspective, points out how the prospective trans man views his suffering as unique from and distinct from women's, even as the surgeries they seek are not especially different:

The stereotypical cosmetic surgery patient is seeking to become closer to being perfectly feminine - she wants to be beautiful. Transitional cosmetic surgery, on the other hand, is widely understood to mark the patient as ex-female and therefore unfemale; this is part of the meaning FTMs seek to create through surgery. FTM desire for cosmetic surgery is positioned as something totally different than the stereotype of a woman who 'merely' seeks beauty at her frivolous leisure. FTMs are deemed to have a rare affliction that needs urgent, life-saving treatment. Conversely, there is nothing more common than for a woman to become obsessed with her socially-deemed 'unsatisfactory' looks and desperately seek to change them, believing that such a change is the only thing that can restore her quality of life. This comparison will feel like an insult to the FTM. It will feel that way because we believe other women's suffering doesn't matter, and recognize how much ours does. Women's suffering is ordinary but ours is extraordinary. For us to matter, we must be differentiated from the silly little woman who wants to be pretty so badly she'll pay thousands of dollars (now billable to credit cards and loan programs designed to pay for elective surgeries!) to risk her life and health. These women don't need to be fixed; we do. FTMs know that we don't deserve a woman's fate but have not yet realized that no woman does.

I have more to write on the topic of the relationship between gender identity and beauty culture, but I'll end this one here. It makes sense that somebody who is identified with the opposite sex would also be affected by the standards of beauty expected of that sex. (Non-binary identification is more complicated and requires separate treatment.)

[kitorin]

boyfriend headcanons ! itoshi rin

contents. how you met, how you got to know each other, when he realized he liked you, how you started dating, dates, all fluff

warning. rin backstory spoilers, i can't write kiss scenes either, written with all lowercase intended, it's word vomit bc school has screwed me up mentally and i can't think properly atp lmao

a/n. reo, rensuke and yoichi ver coming soon, was supposed to be all four of them but tumblr didn't save some stuff so i lost motivation and i probably wrote too much for rin anyways

how you met

you were invited to hang out with a group of friends, but ended up hating it since you were basically invisible, since everyone else were talking about a common interest you didn't have

you ended up walking away, finding somewhere actually interesting, and found a muji store (minimalist retailer that sells a lot of household items and more), and had your own fun, looking through stationary, skin care, nice clothes, and more.

you were having a great time until you heard someone from the hangout looking for you and calling

rin who notices your panic right next to him, questions what's wrong (not necessarily out of concern, honestly probably because he may have found it slightly irritating)

after you explain your situation briefly, he nods and finds you somewhere to hide, and goes to deal with your friend

he's got perfect control over his facial expressions, he'd easily lie and even if your friend was persistent, he'd still scare him away

"haven't seen them in here, they left a while ago and you better stop yelling,"

"are you sure-?"

"yes. now piss off and stop disturbing everyone here,"

once he's sure your friend's gone, he goes back to where he instructed you to hide, giving you the clear

"i hope that lukewarm asshole wasn't your ex."

you're slightly amused at the word 'lukewarm' it wasn't a typical description you'd hear often. "nope, i'd never date him. thank you so much though. i really appreciate it, please let me do a favor for you"

before he can object, you grab a sample pen, scrawling your number on his hand, "send me a text and i'll do my best to help you with anything okay?" you send him a smile as his eyes widen in shock, "bye kind stranger, have a great day," and before he could respond, you were gone, rushing out the store out of embarrassment for not being able to slip away from your friend uncaught.

how he got to know you

[unknown number] : i really don't need a favor you know?

i hated that idiot anyways, loud and annoying

[you] : don't careeee, i want to make it up to you somehow, please?

i'm y/n, you?

[unknown number] : rin, itoshi rin

after he gave in to your offer, you ended up tutoring him, he didn't care about grades but his high school had a rule of requiring a certain standard of grades to compete in tournaments

turns out he wasn't even a bad student, he's diligent and consistent, he only needed a little bit of guidance and advice, with math being the exception

in between sessions, during breaks and outside of your tuition you'd talk a lot, considering how rin has no friends ("neither do you, your toxic ass friends shouldn't count" he replies when you realize it) and you're patient enough to deal with his personality

even after he has his grades up you still hangout with each other, watching horror movies, playing horror games, reading horror novels / comics (you introduced him to junji ito), and he'd even teach you some soccer when you visit his training. he also tries out all your hobbies and favourite things to do and eat

you two spend so much time together, simply because one has no other friends and the other has no healthy friendships

how he knew he liked you

BRO WAS IN DENIAL. FOR. SO. FUCKING. LONG.

he thought he had a health problem or fever when he felt his face getting hot, or that odd sensation in his stomach, or his heart relentlessly pounding against his chest

he tries to research it, doesn't believe it when he sees all those love related posts, so he literally goes to a doctor

his doctor probably almost instantly realized, and had to deal with rin's denial

"you experience these 'symptoms' with a certain someone, don't you?" the doctor doesn't even bother with noting down anything, he's 100% sure and knows it's perfectly in character for rin to do something like this

"that's not possible- that doesn't make se-," he pauses, and recalls that he only felt that way when it came to you, "... yes," he's sort of bashful, slightly embarrassed but quickly composes himself again. 'i apologise for doubting you, please continue,"

"no worries," with a grin, his doctor prepared leave and meet his next patient, "i diagnose you with love sickness,"

when i tell you, this man fucking asked him what meds to take and what to do as self treatment

his poor doctor mentally face palmed himself, sat himself back down and had a (long) talk with this emotionally repressed boy

rin still insists it's something medically wrong, but he's soon shoo-ed out of the office, while hastily being told to make sure he's honest with his feelings, otherwise it never goes right

back at home, he's lying in bed, revising what his doctor said

"rin you need to learn how to acknowledge your emotions. i understand they're confusing and i'm not a therapist, but you can't keep denying it. it's just as unhealthy to neglect your emotions as it is to ignore an injury,"

...

denial huh?

he thinks of you and his heart once again can't calm down, his face burns and his stomach is doing somersaults. he buries his face in his palm, groaning. he hated anything unfamiliar, anything that he couldn't navigate with confidence, or fully comprehend.

"do you really despise it? or do you refuse to acknowledge your feelings because you've never experienced something like this,"

his doctor's advice comes back to him, and he thinks.

if he truly loathed how you made him feel, why is he still hanging out with you, why is he still investing his time into you, why do you make him so damn happy?

he passed out eventually completely lost in thought

how you ended up dating

some time passes and you finally have the courage to confess to him only to receive a cold "i don't feel the same way," a complete lie

accepting his emotions was one thing, accepting a relationship is another. he could immediately feel regret clawing at his stomach, he wanted to tell you. badly, how much he likes you, your patience, intelligence, your kindness, literally everything

yet nothing comes out. only his stoic and stupid facade's character

you walk away after mumbling out an apology for making things awkward, and rin's left there standing, finger nails digging crescents of frustration into his palm

he's overwhelmed with his thoughts, some insisting for him to give up and accept that he fucked up, others demanding him to move and fix things

what would be worse than losing you, anyways?

and that last thought was the final push, he's basically sprinting towards you, soon his arms are wrapped around you, releasing a gasp of surprise from you.

"ri-?"

"i lied," rin blurts, internally screaming at himself to just say it, "i lied, i know i shouldn't have and i'm sorry. but i like you too much, i can't express or understand my feelings, i don't know anything about relationships or love either, and i wanted to hide how i felt so i wouldn't get hurt,"

"rin-," he doesn't let you finish, ignoring your whisper.

"but i don't care, i like you so much that i'm willing to risk hurting myself, anything's worth it if i can be with you, spend time with you, and love you. if it's for you i'd overcome all my fears of love. i can't afford love, but if it's for you i don't care anymore,"

"you're perfect, you always have been," he concludes his speech, almost breathless from how rushed it was. scarlet was dusted all over his face, teal eyes wide open.

that fact rin, someone who's never been good at communication, went this far to express how he feels for you, warms your heart even more.

"rin?"

"yes?"

"may i kiss you?"

somehow, he blushes even more, and as he nods your lips press together.

dates + other headcanons

MOVIE NIGHTS !! not at cinemas though since he prefers the comfort and privacy of his room, and doesn't like how loud or dirty cinemas can get

doesn't want to force you into anything too scary, but he secretly enjoys it when you end up clinging onto him

since he struggles with articulating his emotions, he likes using playlists and songs to (die for you - weeknd, shinunoga iiwa - fujii kaze, love, maybe - melomance, sweet - cigarettes after sex, COME INSIDE OF MY HEART - IV SPADES SUITS HIM SO WELL)

he's not a fan of pda, yet he wants to show you off to everyone he knows

if you genuinely like soccer and have an interest in it (obviously doesn't want to force you to watch 90 minutes of a sport you don't like) he'd watch his favourite games with you, even books tickets for the both of you if there are any good teams competing nearby

also takes great interest in your sports !! reads a lot about them so he can discuss them with you, and if you also compete in sports he puts together a training routine for you and asks to go to the gym together (say yes dumbass)

SURFINGGGG !! since he grew up in kamakura, he loves the beach and went to swim and surf a lot as a kid and would love to do it again with you, even if he hasn't done it in ten years (same rin, same). same with hiking too (kamakura's also famous for it as well)

visits the store with you where he always bought ice blocks with sae, the same lady who worked there when sae and rin still got around is still there, congratulates him for getting a partner, is proud of him

he's a great listener too, he prefers it over speaking a lot and you can talk to him about anything, whether you're talking shit about someone (he'd join in and start swearing) and or you're hyperfixating on your interests

whenever he gets a question related to his love life he takes a moment to blush when he thinks of you, pauses to compose himself (keeps you a secret for your privacy from the media), then says with a straight face that soccer is a priority, but everyone knows he's lying

©kouyun : do not repost, plagiarize, change, or translate

[mishsymishy]

Hi there! Could I request Ragatha, Zooble and Jax with someone who already comes kind of insane when they first arrive at the digital circus? Like having some glitches and abstracting for a couple of seconds? Thank you very much!

Thank you for making the request!(I loved the idea)

It is in drabble format, and it is friendship or romantic but it is more romantic

Warnings:Low self-esteem, panic, pain, rejection, handling, corrupted,Horrible jokes, angst.

Digital Circus x Reader having glitches and abstractions¡

Zooble!

- The first time they saw you, they thought that you were already lost, that you will probably become abstract soon or even now.

Well.., they was surprised to see how you go on and on well, as if the little glitches they gave you were nothing, I was a little admiring how you You still didn't fall into despair and well, end up like a black thing

-After being together for a long time, they starts to care about your constant glitches and abstractions,a little worried more and more that it will really get to the point where you lose control trying to find solutions to stop the glitches or abstracts , even if it is less than before

_You will have many talks, mostly to keep you mentally healthy, although well they too needs that. You tend to go to someone's room to talk or walk around, talking about your past lives or listening to Zooble complain about how unbearable everyone is. Although sometimes you also have talks about what you would do if you escaped and could finally be free

-Jax once bother you because you panicked and almost got a double abstraction eye on the back of your head, Zooble quickly managed to grab him by the neck again and threaten him that if he 'liked' abstractions so much he would be next one

-If you abstracted yourself, they wouldn't cry, but they would feel even worse about herself, as if they had failed you in everything they promised you. Making you believe that you could improve and both get out of there. Over time, they would also end up abstracted

Ragatha!

-She would really be scared to see how abstracted you are, after Kaufmo she's really afraid of being glitched or banged against the walls again. When she sees that you return to normal, she only looks at you strangely while thinking about what she just observed and how is that normal

-As he gets to know you better, he starts to ask a lot of questions about you and your health, etc. You even get the idea of ​​going to talk to Caine to see if he can solve your problem like he did with her and Pomni. When she sees your glitches he asks you if it's hurt. She, maybe, understands you a little And well, she maybe can help you reduce that little by little (At least that's what she thinks), trying to give you advice on what to do in a moment of stress just as she did with Ponmi.

-She worries a lot about you, trying to keep you from doing the hard things, like dealing with Caine's adventures as very difficult missions, and she just tells you to relax while she does all the work. Also try not to let others say bad things to you or even bother you, she really don't want to lose you! She is very overprotective of you like she was with Pomni, only much less so.

- The truth is that she loves you very much, she has captured you with affection and compassion, so if you finally corrupt yourself, She will feel bad too, only she would hit him twice as hard because she never felt too bad about her and now... hate herself a little too much, She feels like her only job was to take care of you and she just failed that simple thing. It will not become corrupt because it knows that there are still people who need her or that is what she wants to think. Oh, and I'm probably less patient now and more worried For your loss she will also have a small offering , like something that reminds her of you in a secluded place in her room.

Jax!

-At first he started insulting you, calling you strange or something like that and trying not to be with you relying on the excuse that you You were a bad and corrupted person and it was better to be away from you , try to convince everyone to stay away from you too using past reference like Kaufmo

-Then after having a mission with you and seeing how black things like abstractions came out of your body ,he was scared (and also worried) because of you.As he got to know you a little more he realized that you were just lost in your mind so you weren't that bad.

-He ends up caring about you but doesn't want to show it, if he gives you a glitch In public he won't say anything but then in private he will probably ask you everything about your mental and physical health.

-Many times he use your abstractions to scare someone, mostly Kinger, by telling them that you are also going to abstract like Kaufmo or Queenie , but if you tell him that you don't want him to make jokes about your problems, he will more or less stop doing it just because he loves you although I don't want to admit it at all.

I hope you liked it! sorry for the delay, a lot of study shit and thanks for make the request!

-If you become distracted, it is more or less that he will feel guilty for not having taken you seriously, for not having helped you so much, for laughing every time he saw something happen to you, thinking that it was not worrying. Surely now I'll stop making serious jokes on people. But he will also be much more depressed and wanting to leave that place.

-

—

Hope you like it! Sorry for the delay!

Please tell me if any pronoun or spelling is wrong, I use a translator and I don't know if some things are spelled correctly

[transmutationisms]

How do you feel/think about euthanasia as an option provided by medical care for mentally ill or disabled people?

As much as I want to support bodily autonomy in an absolute way and think ultimately it’s a persons choice whether they want to live (i also have first hand experience with the “care” after suicide attempts, which is punishment, not care) and comfortable effective options should be available for that. it also is deeply, deeply upsetting to me, as someone who probably would have chosen to die years ago but found out i want to live — and infuriating, since they make it so fucking hard for disabled people to live, i don’t think making it easier for us to die is the answer.

being disabled feels like a death march from the start. we are isolated, have very little community, were tortured, neglected until we want to die. then it’s like “ok if that’s what you really want :)” as if that wasn’t the plan from the start? it’s just eugenics. not even with extra steps. but they make it think it’s our idea.

how would you reconcile these 2 ideas in like, a grounded materialist kind of way ? if that makes sense. or whatever i am asking your opinion

i actually answered this before but now i can't find it. i agree with everything you've said about the potentially eugenic function of physician-assisted suicide under capitalism; however, i think the problem is the capitalist context and its attendant ableism, not the PAS itself. people will and do kill themselves regardless of the legality, and i believe it's important to offer them as painless and controlled a method as possible, while simultaneously toppling the capitalist ableism that makes this fraught from a disability justice perspective. since we are in the context we are in currently, for now i do also support laws forbidding PAS from being suggested to patients (ie, they must be the ones to bring it up and pursue it) and i think there are ways to build in some checkpoints to the system without excessively restricting people's ability to end their lives. but i do not support making suicide illegal, whether by physician or otherwise.

incidentally, this would also be an issue where you can see how the biopolitical remits to make live and to let die exist coterminously to one another: though the state is more than happy to let disabled people die on the grounds that it views them as economic liabilities, legalising suicide is still not exactly a slam-dunk from its perspective because in general its interest also lies in promoting the continued existence of its healthy [wealthy/white/abled] labouring population. this is the actual material reason why in most jurisdictions PAS is still strenuously objected to by openly ableist, otherwise eugenically motivated reactionaries, and why it's often proposed only for terminally ill patients or with other such extremely narrow eligibility criteria.

[huellitaa]

☀️🎀 princess project: days 16 to 26!

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 notice !!

HELLO ANGELS I'M BACK ♡ OKAY SO as you know i took a temporary hiatus from the princess project to focus on my mental health, and though i'm still not doing perfect as i would usually, i am trying my best ♡

i was thinking to myself last night, like; the whole theme of this project is to get me out of whatever the fuck you call what i'm going through right now, and yet i'm taking a hiatus just to rot in my room anyway? no! i have more self respect than that like HONEY GET UP WHAT ARE YOU DOING ???

so as of the time of writing this i've been hit with another absolute banger of the girl i like liking someone else. so i was a bit (extremely) upset about that, and still am, and that does not help the already mounting list of issues i've got on my plate right now. but as i said, the whole goal of this project is to help me. so i will be returning to the princess project with a few extra additions too!

p.s. while i've been away, there's been a lot i've been working on and a lot soon to come ♡ look forward to it !! <3

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 this week's achievements:

☀️mental

several intensive journal sesh's

several intensive bedrot sesh's

cried when i needed to

went back to old habits but stopped myself doing it again too

been working on prioritising myself

stepped out of my comfort zone several times

🎀physical

started regularly practising makeup

taken up athletics every tuesday ♡

been making myself cute healthy lunches to look forward to in school! ♡

began regularly using face masks!

organised a whole skincare wishlist for when me and my friend go shopping !!

drinking cucumber water and tea every day ♡

🧁 academic

received english exam results back and got top of my class (5th time in a row! ♡)

got high marks on my most recent art homework

actually did well in my food tech assessment! (the pasta was fire i am very proud of myself ♡)

bought a cute pink padlock and got a pretty locker (finally!)

💬 social

officially been accepted into my new friend group and i love them very much ♡

read out my work in class a few times - something i haven't done since primary school !!

been working on redoing and making posts for my girlblog !!!

joined a club for the first time in 3 years!

got twitter back SOLELY for the txt content. 😭

began being just generally sweeter to people around me because i found i'd been more bitchier lately

made a new friend or two! ♡

started just talking to people and being less shy ♡

completely stopped talking shit about anyone

started being fully honest with everybody ♡

princess project will start up again full time 21.6.24 💘

all my love, and thank you for being patient with me 💗☀️🎀

[lagoonalake]

P1HARMONY IDEAL TYPE

THEO

Personality: 3 of cups, 6 of cups, 5 of swords

He wants to be friends first with his partner, he might want to start the relationship platonically so he can bond on a deeper level with his partner, not just based on attraction, but true intimacy, understanding and friendship. He wants an emotional connection with his person, someone who has a lot of depth, caring and sensitive, someone who would keep his secrets. Someone connected to their inner child, who reminds him of home, of the past. He wants someone who he can be comfortable with, who can share activities with him, who has similar interests. He also wants an intellectual connection, someone who is interesting, intelligent, he wants to have heated debates with his partner. He wouldn’t mind if the person has different opinions from him, he enjoys the mental challenge. All water signs, especially cancer and pisces, aquarius, gemini

Appearance: 6 of swords, queen of swords, 10 of swords

More than looks, it’s the personality of the person that matters the most. He would like someone who seems intelligent, that he would be able to tell has a lot going on in their mind. He could like the intellectual style. Someone who looks like they have a high education. Could also like someone who looks like they went through a lot in life, who seems more mature or is a bit of an overthinker and it shows on their face. Someone who is well spoken, eloquent, charismatic and charming. Could like a foreigner or someone who speaks a lot of languages.  gemini, aquarius, virgo, mercury

Turn offs: 4 of wands, the empress, the hierophant

Someone too conventional, the idea of marriage itself, codependency, someone too traditional, passive, someone that everyone finds beautiful (he finds it a bit boring XD), someone trapped in the structure, in their environment, family, people who are too cuddly, touchy, PDAs (he is much more interested in the mental and emotional connection). taurus, libra, virgo

KEEHO

Personality: page of coins, 8 of cups, 7 of coins

He may prefer someone outside of the kpop industry. A simple type of person, humble, who he can have a rather simple life with. Someone who may have been in the industry before but stepped out of it (this is very similar vibe to Felix’s ideal type). Someone who was brave enough to step out of their comfort zone/the easy way in order to grow and find something healthier, better for themselves and that matches their beliefs more. Someone with emotional depth who has worked on themselves. Someone observant, patient, who could be interested in slow life, more alternative lifestyle. Someone interested in environmental issues. Someone close to nature and animals. A healthy, fresh, positive person. He wouldn’t mind if it’d take a while for this person to let him in as he values caution in relationships too. virgo, saturn, pisces, aquarius, scorpio

Appearance: knight of wands, judgement, 6 of cups

Someone who would make a strong impression on him. Big presence. Looks a bit wild, who enjoys the outdoors, athletic, strong, full of energy, short height, youthful round face, cute and fierce at the same time, the color red, orange, fiery looks, messy hair, grunge style or more simple outdoorsy practical style. Bigger striking features, full cheeks. Louder voice, big laugh, very straightforward, honest eyes. Joyful. sagittarius, mars, aries, cancer

Turn offs: the devil, king of swords, the magician

Manipulators, I feel like he may not like a lot of people in the industry (the people pleaser vibe is a big turn off for him), someone in power who he is obligated to please, this could be a specific energy, un anwanted attention in his life. Someone detached, calculating, pulling all the strings, someone who could be into business, who is very ambitious. Someone who is addicted to substances, someone trapped in their environment. air signs, especially gemini, capricorn, scorpio

JIUNG

Personality: 6 of swords, ace of cups, 2 of wands

Someone different, he wants to discover something new. He wants to connect on a raw emotional level. So he wants someone deep, spontaneous and adventurous, who has intense feelings. Someone he’ll have a strong chemistry with. Someone not necessarily too serious, he doesn’t want something long term for now. The kind of person that he can have a moment with and it’ll be intense and fun, passionate and unforgettable. Someone who lives in the present moment, wants to experience life at its fullest. Someone who is always in motion, stimulating, interesting, active, lively sort of energy. Someone who follows their heart. aries, sagittarius, pisces, aquarius, gemini

Appearance: queen of swords, temperance, knight of cups

Someone sophisticated, elegant, who could look a bit cold or unattainable at first sight, with balanced, well designed, refined, symmetrical features. Sculptural, slender, flexible body, could like a very artistic, ornated style, lots of accessories, elaborate make up and jewelry, someone into fashion. Someone who has a romantic, seductive look, intense eyes even though the rest of the demeanor is very calm, a siren sort of look. The color blue, turquoise, green. The color of the sea.  A clear voice.  libra, scorpio, pisces

Turn offs: queen of cups, 8 of cups, the star

Someone who gets attached, clingy, possessive, too lovey dovey, too much of a homebody, someone who wants to go too deep in the relationship, someone who invasive, who tries to understand him too deeply or asks him too many private questions when he doesn’t want something that deep, someone who acts like his therapist or his mom, someone oversensitive, dramatic, someone who is a bit delusional and thinks they have chance with him. He really doesn’t want anything too serious or long term, at least for now. cancer, pisces, scorpio, neptune, pluto

INTAK

Personality: 8 of pentacles, strength, temperance

Someone talented at what they do, very hard working and a perfectionist, he likes to see someone dedicated to their task and passion. Someone disciplined, who always delivers. Someone very patient, mature, meditative, relaxed even in stressful situation. Very level headed. Someone he would admire and respect. An artist, could be a dancer and someone crafty, creative, inspiring. Could be someone who is into sport too, like yoga, martial art, or ballet, something that requires a lot of dedication and patience. Someone who has an eye for detail. Someone who is quite dignified and proud.  virgo, leo, libra, capricorn, taurus

Appearance: the wheel of fortune, high priestess, 3 of wands

Someone who would make a strong impression on him, that the moment he’d see them, he’d know, someone who he’d stare at across the room and feel the fated connection, someone with a hypnotic presence, reserved, quiet but powerful energy. Eyes could be dark, shining brightly, would lure him in, seductive but not too revealing, leaving things to the imagination. Could like a strong, flexible body, could like a dancer. Artsy style, “exotic”, sleek, clean, sophisticated, long limbs. Dark blue, black, silver, diamonds. Deep low voice.  virgo, scorpio, pisces

Turn offs: the moon, the hermit, queen of swords

He is kind of turned off by what he is attracted to, which is pretty common, the dark side of his type. Someone who is too secretive, who lacks clarity, is too vague, who doesn’t want to put a label on the relationship, someone who makes him wait too long, is such a loner and has so many barriers that they are impossible to approach, someone who seems too distant, unattainable, lost in their own world, someone too shy, too remote, who never talks, uptight, who seems annoyed by his presence. Someone cold, detached, emotionally unavailable.  negative virgo, pisces, capricorn, saturn

SOUL

Personality: 3 of swords, judgement, 4 of pentacles

He tends to be attracted to or attract partners who are very possessive, people who are a bit insecure, have abandonment issues and become very jealous. The type that isn’t able to trust him and would check his phone to see if there is anything suspicious in it. People who could spy on him, or even if they wouldn’t go that far, people who just aren’t able to trust him. People who have a very intense energy and are all or nothing, who kinda imagine a new life with him, wants to change his life completely and may even become a bit bossy and controlling. There could be a reason he attracts people like this, maybe he makes false promises but in the end he may not seem too invested. scorpio, capricorn, cancer, pluto

Appearance: king of wands, knight of wands, 6 of wands

Very loud sort of appearance, someone who is very proud or their looks and not afraid to show off, revealing outfits, dramatic fashion, flashy bright colors, just very visible. Someone who has an expressive body language, could be an athlete or have an impressive physique, features that really stand out, bigger features, wider mouth/nose, fierce eyes, very good posture, prominent chest, tall, or even if not tall, really commanding presence. Speaks loudly, resonant voice. Charismatic. Popular. Visibly successful. leo, aries, sagittarius

Turn offs: 10 of pentacles, king of cups, 8 of swords

He’s not interested in something long term, so someone who is all about commitment, making plans for the future, settling down, someone a bit boring, who follows the same routine. Having to meet his partner’s family, becoming a constant in someone’s life and vice versa. Someone very intuitive and who sees through bs, someone who could read him, see the vulnerable side of him, someone very emotionally intelligent and mature. He also doesn’t want to have to deal with the insecurity of the people he deliberately picks, even though it’s something that he is (subconsciously?) drawn to.  scorpio, cancer, taurus, virgo

JONGSEOB

Personality: 2 of wands, 10 of cups, the tower

Someone quite explosive and passionate, but who is also very loyal and committed. He wants intimacy and passion in his relationships. He is the type who likes to do a lot of things with his partner, he wants the two of them to function as a team, to work together even. There could be a bit of idealism and codependency in his relationships. Could be someone who wants to move too fast (both his partner and him), but in reality they are not ready yet and everything fall apart. And he could be the type to be on and off with the same person, someone intense that he loves a lot, with very high highs and very low lows. Very transformative relationship and partner. Enterprising, artistic partner, could be a musician, a creator. Very passionate about their art, a bit obsessive. scorpio, pluto, aries, cancer, pisces

Appearance: page of cups, 2 of swords, 5 of cups

Darker colors, black hair, darker or tanned skin. Someone a bit melancholic, with soft, full features, full lips. Innocence but at the same time that touch of gothic. The color white and blue. He’s not that picky with looks, but he has a type. Dreamy artist. Wavy or curly hair. Round face.  cancer, scorpio, capricorn, pisces

Turn offs: 6 of wands, 5 of wands, 10 of wands

People who are too competitive, aggressive, fierce, attention seeker, someone who is never calm or quiet, always in movement, cannot sit still, always a bit angry or annoyed, hot headed, always trying to provoke or dominate others, to prove that they are the best, the number one, people who are full of themselves, people who are exhausting, loud and invasive. negative mars, all fire signs especially aries and leo 

[throneofsapphics]

the moth and the flame part 8: a reverie

poly!Nessian x f!Reader

summary: after meeting Nesta in a bookshop, you find the darkest parts of yourselves bonding with each other. Naturally, Cassian finds himself entangled with the two of you.

warnings: mentions of suicide, detox, drug and alcohol abuse, rhys is kind of an ass but he’s really just trying to help

series masterlist

It was painful to even think of this, of her life without you, but ... Nesta knew Cassian had a point. With your stubborn and independent streak, if you couldn’t heal by yourself, would you ever truly heal? Still, it didn’t feel right to cut things off with you, but maybe that was her being selfish. 

Always selfish, a nasty voice teased in her mind. Never thinking of her, always of yourself, with more effort than she cared to admit, Nesta shoved the voice out. 

She needed to care for you as if an impartial party would. Mentally, she scratched that thought out. Impossible. 

Nesta rolled over, and drifted back to sleep. 

You smiled, twirling through the fields of flowers, joy radiating from every inch of you, your presence infecting everything and everyone in the surrounding area. Nesta would’ve sworn the flowers stood a little taller in your presence, their blooms opening even wider as if to invite you, as if you were one of them. 

Only in her dreams. 

She knew it wasn’t really, that seeing you like this - healthy - was never her reality. 

“Why are you never real?” She murmured to dream you, the apparition. Not quite a ghost, she could touch you, but still not quite real. The more she began wishing for a dream-state version of you in real life, the more Nesta knew your relationship was approaching its end, no matter how cataclysmic it may end. 

It would end. There was no other way, she knew that for certain, even if the certainty always faded the next time she saw you. 

-

You’d begged they didn’t take you to any healers. Begged they didn’t take you away from your home, yet they didn’t listen. 

So much for the words of a dying female. You made that joke exactly once before they both sent a look so broken your way you couldn’t bring yourself to do it again. 

Still, you sat in the room at the library, a priestess with blue robes in front of you. 

“Are you going to talk today?” She asked, patiently, though you could hear the touch of worry in her voice.

“There’s nothing wrong,” you swallowed, throat dry. Your pills and suppliers had all gone missing shortly after the ... incident, throwing you into a detox you weren't quite ready for. You were never ready for a those. Had you ever actually completed one before? You’d certainly tried. 

“What if you share where you just went?” The female asked gently. It was truly a miracle they’d found someone willing to sit here with you. You were polite, but not exactly forthcoming or willing to be here. It just served to show how much respect Nesta had here, the kind of respect someone like you would never have. 

“I’ve never finished a detox before now,” you blurted before you could stop yourself. 

A pang of guilt hit you at the relief in the priestesses eyes, accompanied by something like pride? No, that felt a bit too strong. You said five fucking words, not a damn thing to be proud of. 

Gods, you tilted your head back to gaze at the ceiling. You without your pills was someone you didn’t particularly enjoy being around. Nobody else did, either, given how Cassian and Nesta had been avoiding you recently. The most they’d done is make sure you went to these sessions. Just maybe if you went to them you’d finally become someone they could stand to be around, or be proud to stand near. You liked that idea, of being someone somebody would be proud to be with, someone somebody would be proud of. 

-

Nesta dreamed of you again that night. She had ... hope. Fragile, tiny, pathetic, useless hope. All based on the pride practically glowing from the priestesses face as you left. She knew, through whispers, that you were ‘slow progress,’ - kind words for its not going well. She knew they needed to have the talk soon. The ‘what are we,’ talk, but the three ... well, she and Cassian had been busy, struggling to find time to make sure you got to your sessions without outside help but they’d made it work. 

Rhysand, had stuck his nose in her business today.

“How is your -?” Feyre’s words fell off, not sure what to call you anymore. 

“Our girlfriend?” Nesta offered dryly. You were technically still together. “Fine,” she added curtly. She didn’t want to talk about you, not when everyone seemed to have an opinion. 

“I thought you were breaking up,” Rhys said mildly, slicing into his steak. Why had she agreed to this dinner? Just her, Cassian, and the nobles? Right, because Feyre asked nicely and Cassian gave puppy dog eyes. That’s the last time she’d fall for those. 

“It’s none of your -” 

Cassian cut her off, “we don’t know yet.” 

“Is that really fair to her?” Feyre asked, the same time as Rhys said,

“She needs more help than the priestesses can give her.” 

“She’s fine,” Nesta nearly snarled. 

“Fine?” He put down his knife, infuriatingly calm. She could never be calm when you were the topic of discussion. “She slit her own wrists and nearly bled out when you found her, and now she’s making little progress. I can pay for her to go to a specialized healing program-” 

Nesta didn’t give a damn as she cut him off, “there was a breakthrough today.”

“After a month, how much longer is it going to take?”

“She asked us not to take her from Velaris, Rhys,” Cassian answered, much calmer than Nesta would’ve. “And it’s her own business.” 

“Business you’re involved in,” the High Lord responded flatly. 

“Yes.” 

Tense silence filled the room as the two males stared at each other, caught in some sort of alpha fit. Nesta couldn't take it a second longer, she threw her napkin down on her plate and shoved her chair out, storming from the room, still taking care to close the door quietly - magically reinforced or not she didn’t want to risk Feyre’s paintings. 

general taglist: @rowaelinsdaughter @bookishbroadwaybish @nestaismommy @erencvlt @book-obsessed124

acotar taglist: @lilah-asteria @yeonalie @I-am-a-lost-girl16

series taglist: @breadsticks2004 @shamelessdonutkryptonite @rowaelinsdaughter @fightmedraco @acourtofbatboydreams @readinggeeklmao @krowiathemythologynerd @kooterz @anxious-study @lilah-asteria @nestaismommy

[belphegorbillickin]

Autistic MC with Beel & Belphie

(CW!:) Belphie is selfish and manipulative as always, it's not really a healthy relationship even if it's a loving one. Stop reading at "He's the voice" to avoid it, though Beelzebub is also there to balance it out.

The same disclaimer for the previous set of autistic MC HCs applies.

This is not a even a remotely good indicator for self-suspecting autism and plenty of these things could easily be relatable to allistics, even the most mentally healthy neurotypicals.

So of course everyone is free to enjoy and relate to it! ^_^

Beelzebub:

Get ready for the best damn hugs of your life! Whatever way you want to be hugged, Beelzebub will deliver, anytime and anywhere.  Well, unless you want to be bigger or even just the same size as the person hugging you, but Beel's devoted enough to try to find a way to shrink for a bit if that's what you really want. Plus, think about how much bigger food would be in comparison!

Speaking of food, if there's any kind of texture you don't want to eat, or any other restrictions of course, Beel is more than happy to do it for you. He'll even pretend to steal it off your plate and let himself get lectured for it if you're in a situation where someone is trying to force you to eat something. Though he does try to make sure you're getting enough nutrition himself.

Beelzebub will always ensure you have something you can eat to the best of his abilities. He wouldn't mind ordering takeout or picking something up together afterward at all. Hell, you'd probably catch him trying to go out during a massive storm for one of your snacks. He always tries to have your favorite foods on hand just in case, even if it means constantly having to replace them because he can't resist the idea of sharing something you love. Beel also understands that all of smacking and chewing can be sensory hell even for "normal people," so he'll always give you a head's up before eating so you can put your headphones on and try to eat before hanging out with you if he can. Belphie will also happily give you the food off of his plate any time you want it, but he does the same for Beelzebub and is a bit of a picky eater with a low appetite himself, so do make sure he's eating enough when Beel is distracted.

He's also a great cook and a very patient teacher that'll eat any and all failed attempts, so he'd be more than happy to try to help you improve your cooking skills if that's something you struggle with. Beel's definitely the kinda guy that'd put all the knives out of reach if you really struggle with your motor skills though, and would only let you start peeling/chopping with safety gloves on. He doesn't mind taking on all the steps that give you a lot of trouble either. Even just staying with him as he cooks, keeping him distracted, and reminding him that he can't eat it all is more than enough to keep him happy.

Beelzebub is very intrigued by the concept of chew necklaces if you use them. He may or may not have tried one of yours he saw lying around. …It didn't end well. He basically impaled it on his massive teeth on the first gentle bite. It didn't even taste like anything either. He really can't see the appeal of it at all… You'll have to explain to him that it's just for the feeling of chewing, not actually eating, to help keep you from biting things you shouldn't. When you put it that way, he really sympathizes. Beelzebub actually thinks it's really cute that you kind of have something in common like that. Needless to say, he definitely fights for your right to keep it on you when you need it.

And if anyone has a problem with you or your needs? They have a problem with Beelzebub, and anyone who has a problem with Beelzebub has a problem with his brothers. Beelzebub's been the glue holding the family together for centuries and he'll gladly be the glue holding you together if you'd let him. He's incredibly patient with stuttering and does his best to protect MC from their harmful stims. He'll actively encourage, or rather almost force you, to take it out on him instead. Go on, don't worry, you'll break your own bones before you give him so much as a tiny scratch or a bruise.

Beelzebub is very empathetic when it comes to the people he cares about, and the most emotionally intelligent brother by far. He'd prefer for you to come and try to communicate with him when you're feeling down or overwhelmed before it becomes a big deal and would try to encourage you to do so, but he's always keeping an eye out and ready to intervene. If you're the kind of person that shuts down and needs to be left alone? He'll immediately put Belphie into a headlock, prying him and anyone else away if need be. He'd do his best to help encourage healthy habits and slow but steady growth, not allowing anyone to shove you into something you're not ready for, even if that day may never come. He's also very much able to sympathize with feeling "worthless" due to not being able to do as much as other people and feeling "slow," and does his best to try to keep you from feeling the same way.

Beel's also a great listener and almost always happy to just hang out, regardless of whatever it is y'all are doing together, so he's by far the best one to go to when no one else shares your interests. Feel free to chatter on about it on his back while he does his push-ups or while y'all are doing chores together and he'll surprise you with how much of it he retains and tries to bond with you over. He'd love for you to at least come to his most important games and would try to make it as accessible as possible, but he understands that it's not always enough. Do be sure to support him in your own way though, he'd very much appreciate it! 

Belphegor:

Who needs a weighted blanket when you have Belphie? Probably most people tbh, considering blankets don't have horns or thorny tails and don't actively resist being moved around or, god forbid, being left behind. Belphie's extremely clingy and tactile by nature when he likes someone, and he doesn't handle rejection very well. Which is definitely something that's an issue when you have sensory issues and can't stand the feeling of someone's hair or breath on you, or even any kind of touch at all (even through thick clothes and blankets) most of the time.

At least he can always guarantee a good night's sleep regardless of any noises, stressors, or changes in routine; so long as you trust enough to let him use his powers on you anyway. He promises getting addicted to his magic is mostly harmless, as long as you always keep him around and never ever sleep without him again. He'll let you come running any time you need his soothing voice and powers to help calm yourself down, actively encourages you to let him free you from your physical prison as often as you'd like.

But feel free to be as blunt about your boundaries as you need to be. It's pretty much the only way he'll listen, and he's fairly used to it after spending an eternity with Beelzebub anyway. He'll learn to adapt to your limits so long as they apply to everyone.  While Belphegor may not be anywhere near as kind or empathetic as Beel is, he's still very devoted to the very few people he chooses to let in and catches on quickly. He will listen if you tell him if you need to be left alone in complete and utter silence when you start getting overstimulated, though he'll also say it doesn't count if he's just passed out in the corner (even though it very much does) at first. You don't have to worry about softening up your sentences and micromanaging your tone with either of the twins really, they're both the "actions over words" type and won't overthink it unless you are the kind of person to be passive-aggressive. Even then, he can when you're just being blunt vs intentionally hurtful, though he'll definitely use it to his advantage against his "rivals." Belphegor would probably (playfully) give you some shit for it at first, but he's just being a dick, as is his nature, and will drop it the second he notices it hurts you, (if it would), once you two become close.

Similar to Satan, Belphie also automatically explains anything he knows you won't/didn't get, though only if he feels like it's necessary and in a much more arrogant manner by default. He's actually not being condescending on purpose for once, it just comes so naturally to him that he doesn't always know how to explain things and he's already used to doing most of the critical thinking for Beelzebub. God forbid anyone else talks down to you though, he's just as protective of you as he is of Beelzebub, if not more so.  He has his blind spots, but he won't force you into anything that would cause real distress and will intervene if someone else does. Especially if that someone is Lucifer or Diavolo.

Belphie's still his lazy, bratty self, but he does put more effort into maintaining his schedule if he knows it really stresses you out, and he'll gladly take the blame for "forcing" you to sleep through any and all events you'd hate to sit through. He's the voice that's always telling you that it's okay to not even try, that it'll never be anything but stressful no matter how hard you try and that's okay to just let it go. To just let him handle everything and try to relax. "Why bother trying to explain your issues to someone who will always see it as an excuse?" and etc. It's done with mostly good intentions, as good as a demon could ever have anyway, but he is very much an enabler of the worst kind, similar to Leviathan, and could easily create a very codependent relationship where you slowly start to lose your skills and built-up tolerance until you're left more disabled than you were before. 

It's actually one of the only things the twins ever seriously fight over, as Beelzebub disagrees with his approach and knows he's just making things harder for you in the end. He's very much of the belief that loving someone means helping them become their best, most healthiest self whereas Belphie believes there's no harm in letting you become as dependent on them as possible, because they'll always be there to help you. Beelzebub still believes a bit of suffering is healthy and necessary to improve regardless, and Belphegor still believes you should be able to avoid anything that makes you even slightly uncomfortable (unless he's really set on something) even if it makes it harder to cope in the end, regardless of how many times they argue. In the end, whether or not you fall to temptation completely is your choice, even if Belphegor will do his best to convince you he knows what's best for you.

I had wanted to get this out for their birthday, but Belphie is such an ass & I know this kind of HC doesn't actually make me feel reassured unless the characters are actually in-character, but I know it's the exact opposite for what seems like most(?) people & I didn't want to advertise comfort just for it to upset everyone, but… : / I can't write pure fluff with anyone but Beelzebub anyway tbh, and it's a bit of a struggle even then. Ngl, Beelzebub, Satan, and maybe Mammon depending on the MC (if they only date him) are probably the only ones any MC could realistically ever have a halfway healthy relationship with imo. (And I'm purposely excluding Simeon and Solomon from this list.)

[relaxxattack]

How would you go about writing a pitch relationship?

OKAY SO.

essentially, when you get really down to the wire about it, it's about respect.

the foundation of a pitch relationship needs to be some sort of respect, and equality. this seems kind of obvious at first, because, how the fuck are you meant to rival someone if you're not equal? if they're actually better than you, and they win every fight or challenge, that's a beatdown, it's not a rivalry.

the literal definition of rivalry itself implies that two things of equal chance attempt to succeed.

ID in alt text

they can't just be exactly mentally and physically identical, though, and it's possible for two parties to not be equal and have a healthy kismesissitude anyway-- as long as they consider themselves to be equals.

that's where respect comes in. one party may be completely unable to fight or fend off any attacker, and the other may be the strongest bodybuilder in the universe. and you could think to yourself, well clearly they aren't equal, because the bodybuilder could snap the weak one like a twig. but if these two people really had healthy pitch feelings for one another, they would exhibit in challenges that were not physical. perhaps these two people are equally terrible at video games. their rivalry could manifest around that.

the main thing that people know and remember about pitch romance is the fact that it's based on hatred and annoyance. this person should annoy the shit out of you, and that friction between you is what causes the tension for the relationship.

so, to write pitch romance, what you have to start with is two people who consider each other equal and also find each other annoying as hell. but you have to remember to keep in mind the respect aspect (hatred without respecting and being drawn towards someone is not romantic, it's just plain old hatred). you also need to keep in mind that the oblivious pining stage of a pitch romance can go on a long time, because a classic part of having pitch feelings for someone is not wanting to have them. because, how could you EVER have a thing for someone who bugs you so much?

now, when it comes to the actual relationship itself- once the two idiots start dating, that is- the main idea is that there's a push and pull. an ideal pitch romance is essentially an act of tug o' war between it's two parties. suppose in your general human flushed relationship, the two of you take turns planning date nights, to show your investment in the courting. in a pitch romance, it might be more like taking turns winning- if your pitch partner has just pulled an incredible prank on you, it is now your turn to come up with something even better to get back at them with. you can't be shown up by them! you want to win!

so writing the beginning of their relationship might involve a lot of dates that are essentially formal challenges. what these are of course depends on the characters themselves; nobody likes the same kind of dates and similarly nobody likes the same kind of pitch challenge. if the two parties have similar interests, like say they both enjoy gaming, you might pick that so they can sharpen their skills on each other and try to become better. if they have very different interests, perhaps they'd do something neither of them are super familiar with, in order to be on even footing (remember that equality is very important to a pitch relationship). however, if one member wants the other to learn how to do their favorite thing, e.g. fencing, perhaps they would train their kismesis, and the real challenge would come from seeing who can be more patient, the teacher or the student. there could be some real tension in not knowing whether your partner is going easy on you or not, but showing them you can work hard anyway.

that's what the honeymoon period would be like, in my opinion- tons of challenge dates and pranks, while the relationship is new and fun and fresh they're probably teasing each other all the time and trying to see what one can get better at than the other.

when it comes to later, deeper aspects of kismesissitude, an important function of a kismesis is to point our your faults. yes, they respect you, but of course at the end of the day they still hate you-- and the reason they hate you is because you're too much of an aggravating person to let your good qualities fully come through. if one of your flaws is seriously fucking up your other abilities, it is the job of a kismesis to force you to notice this crack in your armor, so that you can get back to meeting them on equal ground.

for example, if your battle moves are becoming predictable, maybe they block every single move you make in a fight and then tell you they saw it all coming, so that you know you need to work on your tells, or switch up your moves. you want to get better than your kismesis, and in a way you want to get better for them, because you want them to respect you and continue to stay in your relationship. this also applies to mental and emotional flaws; battle skills are just the easiest visual example.

important fact: a healthy kismesissitude, like any healthy romance, is good for both parties.

if one person is consistently getting beaten down by words and defeats by the other person, who refuses to let up, that is abuse. they are absolutely not on equal footing, and no one is getting better at anything- no rivalry is taking place. (a kismesis should only be pointing flaws that are actually harmful to you or others, and actually reasonably fixable. your inability to dodge a sword is something you can train to fix. being disabled for example, however, is not something you can train to fix. beating down on your for traits you cannot change is abuse, even if a kismesis thinks or claims they are well meaning.)

conversely, if someone begins to find their kismesis isn't strong enough or interesting enough to warrant challenging and fighting, that is relationship also unhealthy, and likely going to end soon. being bored with your kismesis means they aren't challenging you in your rivalry at all, in which case they need to get back on even footing- or perhaps you just aren't interested in them as a person, which means the romantic feelings are gone.

(consider, as examples of unhealthy pitch relationships that broke up: terezi and gamzee, in which the relationship seemed to exist mainly because of terezi's low self esteem, and vriska and eridan, who broke things off because vriska became bored of it.)

pitch relationships can be unhealthy, the same as flushed relationships. if the power dynamics are not equal, or there's some insane excusing of actions or abuse of power going on, that's not healthy. it can be interesting though if you're trying to write a pitch relationship gone wrong, but i'm going off the assumption that this anon was wanting my opinion of how to write a healthy and happy-ending pitch romance.

so that's sort of my thesis on how to write healthy and fun pitch romance-- there's a tug of war, a lot of respect, arguing, challenges, training arcs, banter, and exhilaration. oh and of course, what everyone who hears about kismesissitude first imagines- yes, there's hate-fucking. all of those physical fights where you try to beat your rival you're romantically into at stuff? obviously that's going to have a ton of sexual tension. erotically charged swordfights are where it's at.

enjoy writing :]