#and that line happened

[staruie]

where my fellow monster fuckers at 👅👅👅👅👅👅

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[keymintt]

more public art! these fellas were printed on vinyl for the sides of a traffic cabinet

[acidgirl]

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[sableeira]

And Dazai is like: omg how did he figure it out?!?!?!?

[eldritchdilf]

👅

[rrat-king]

“and for the briefest moment, you see two silhouettes in the rail of moonlight across the ripples of the lake. a tall and awkward teenage girl’s silhouette and a strong and confident woman briefly hold hands”

a tall and awkward teenage girl.

a tall and awkward teenage girl— god she was only 16! she revived rats in the woods! she was a cleric and a beloved student and tall and awkward and just. lucy frostblade i will never stop thinking about you.

[ciil]

i recently started yyh b/c it is on netflix now (when did that happen) anyways the dub especially makes me laugh truly some bangers in there

[bitchyfop]

i mean this in the gentlest way possible:

thinking that celebrities are sending out coded messages through social media and thinking that you can read specific emotions and thoughts from body language is unhealthy.

you do not know these people. it is impossible to know what they are thinking or feeling based on pictures or even videos.

if the argument is that you see a pattern: humans have a predilection for seeing patterns where there arent any, hence the over abundance of conspiracy theories in general.

this isnt a judgement i promise. but please think about it. log off, go outside if you can, and take some time off line.

[iaminsideyourwalls]

food for all you scout haters out there in the audience tonight i guess?

[soracities]

we NEED more cleaners and bricklayers and scaffolders and delivery drivers in MFA poetry programs. like. immediately.

[sourscratched]

unsleeping misc

[assface-berlioz]

with the way this is going bungou stray dogs will conclude in 2080 at seventy years old when everyone wins against the interplanetary alien Homer with the power of gay sex and friendship. and I'll still be reading it. and I will still make stupid theories. I will follow this series to the ends of the earth

[beinganegg]

Comic for the first time Siffrin heard a pun

[pearl-kite]

I made a pillow!

It took four months of non-stop cross-stitching, but I finally finished a pattern I bought from @8pxl a little bit ago, and tonight in a bizarre burst of productivity I finally sewed a back to it and stuffed it into a cute little pillow! It ended up being pretty much perfectly sized for a neck pillow, but I'm a bit worried about it getting dirty that way.

I highly recommend the patterns from 8xpl's shop, there are SO many gorgeous ones to choose from. I might end up getting another one soon o3o