#and the sheer PATIENCE you have had with my bullshit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neo-percs · 8 months

Note

can u write about mark + mirror sex please please pleaseee

WHATS HATNIN’ ?:: mark lee

warning:: mirror sex, hair pulling, taking pictures, oral (m!receiving), hickeys, p in v sex, porn with no real plot, scratching, reverse cowgirl, doggy style, unprotected sex, headlock, posesive! Mark, sitautionship.

summary:: even if you two aren’t dating you know better. or at least that’s what mark thought, yet his eyes seemed to be amazed when he sees you posting a picture of you and a guy in your bedroom. a mirror picture.

inspo:: what’s hatnin’ by just Bieber, I literally cannot get out of my light skinned Justin era😭

the ugly feeling in Mark’s chest had become so transparent the moment he stepped out of his apartment keys in hand and phone in the other as he watched your story seeing a guy laying in his girls bed taking a picture of them laying next to each other in the mirror. To say mark was pissed would be the understatement of the century. Mark was utterly fuming, ready to show up at your place and rock that guys world.

Mark had never moved so fast to get to your place, loving the feeling of moving slow enough to keep you on your toes even though he is just as eager as anyone to see you. But Mark knows better than anyone when it comes down to you, he doesn’t share. He doesn’t care if you two are just hooking, officially dating, or friends with benefits. He can share a drink, a pizza, a bag of candy, but never you. That’s where Mark draws the line. And if anyone unknowingly or not even let the idea slip of getting with you; Mark would be right there to knock that shit right back to its root of thought.

His hair is damp from his shower, he was even more hot in the face at the thought that he couldn’t even relax without you going and stringing some poor guy along into your fuckery that would ultimately lead to you being in the same exact bed you were just in with him and being fucked stupid. Not that Mark minded putting you in your place where you belong; with him.

The moment he stands in front of your apartment he doesn’t have patience to be quiet and gentle, he balls up his fist banging on the hard wooden door waiting to for your face to pop up between the crack and chain lock before opening it. “What are you doing here? Did you text me?” You ask completely oblivious to his anger which riles Mark up even more he pushes the door open and his sheer force or lack of yours for that matter choking you up.

The feeling of his fist balling up your hair pulling your head back to fully look him in his eyes makes your eyes go wide and your voice die in your throat. “You like being around other guys right? You like entertaining little boys?” He asks making your hand press against his chest gripping desperately at his shirt.

“No- i don’t” you say but Mark doesn’t want to hear some bullshit excuse you’ll throw at him. “No? Then why’re you posting other dudes on your story? In your bed? Huh?” He says but he knows the answer and he doesn’t have time for theatrics. “He’s a guy i went college with Mark.” You say pulling at his shirt.

‘Right, college” he says but doesn’t care enough to hear or even know anymore. He was in your space, the sacred space Mark had made seem like was his second place residing there almost every night with some of his own belongings sitting around to remind you of him. Mark grips your hair tighter making you wince.

Dragging you along with every heart pounding step he took towards your bedroom, heart ready to fall out your ass at how rough he was being with you though it truly makes no difference to you as you knew awaited you on the other side of your bedroom door. “Dressin’ up and shit, what you wanna impress him? Getting all cute.” He says slamming the door to your room open and slamming it shut behind I’m as he pulls you towards the end of your bed.

“you like pissin’ me off don’t you? Shit gets you all excited huh?” He says now use deliberately picking at you because he knows you better than anyone that you’ll cave to his attitude, and you’d do anything to make it better. “No I swear, we were just catchin’ up” you say defensively. “In your bed? No.” Mark doesn’t want to hear it anymore.

His hand pulls you down to your knees in front of your mirror as he stands in front of you. “You like your mirror so much right? Like takin’ pictures with little boys. Take a picture now” he says his tone is teasing but it wasn’t an ounce of amusement behind his eyes. Making you pull your phone from your back pocket you reach up to give him the phone with no words said but he scoffs.

“Nah, you do it. You took pictures of him in your mirror why can’t you now?” Mark won’t let the mean persona crack one bit. Pulling your head back to lean down and press a kiss to your lips knowing now your irritation was leaking in, but a kiss would shut you up before you even got started.

You soften up looking at him as he pulls away slowly looking you in your eyes perking up his brows before kissing you once more harder then standing at his full height. You open your camera snapping pictures while you both hold eye contact. The shrill feeling of embarrassment creeps up on you making you pull your eyes away and press your life head to his thighs the second his grip loosened but immediately tightens the second your head lands on his thighs.

“Nah, don’t look away now. Look at yourself.” He demands and it makes you pull away as your face heats up more embarrassed than any moment before Mark had confronted you at the front door. Hesitantly you look at the mirror seeing his hands bulging with veins from his tight grip making your thighs press together.

“You don’t like this shit but remember what got you here” he says the ugly feeling he got seeing you and whoever the guy was. “Mark, he was literally just a friend- I didn’t plan on talking to him again” you say but it falls on deaf ears as Mark tugs your hair. “Get back to it. You’re not done” he says using his free hand to point to your phone.

You sigh and snap pictures not ripping your face away from looking up at Mark. Snapping a few too many in your opinion, yet you snapped until Mark said stop. And when you dropped your phone and slid it away mark finally lets go of his grip on your hair, crouching to your level. “You see how that shit feels?” He says looking you in your eyes making your eyes slightly widen.

“What?” You ask not catching the meaning behind his words but it doesn’t take long for Mark to answer. “Seeing my girl posting another dude? It’s fucking embarrassing, that shit pissed me off” he says his index and thumb gripping at your chin gently. “I don’t like seeing you with other people. It doesn’t sit right” Mark says, though he’s made it a point to always get the message across that he hates sharing you with anyone you’d never heard him outright say he was jealous.

“Arguing’s not gonna fix the problem” Mark says softly before littering your lips and face in kisses making you sigh knowing that whatever mark chooses to do to resolve his feelings at the moment you’d be content. “Ok” you shortly answer against his lips with a small sigh as he stands up and sits at the end of your bed still visible in the mirror. You knew Mark was waiting on you to make him feel better. You take the initiate sliding your knees against the floor feeling the ache in your bones as you settle between his legs.

Hands pressing against his legs sweatpants bringing warmth to the back of your palms until your hands reach the subtle bulge poking through the thick grey fabric. Mark releasing a sigh from above you at the pressure on his dick. "You gonna make me feel good?" he asks as he watches you tug at the waistband of his boxers and pants, lifting his hips to help you. you nod puffing out a small hum in confirmation. Looking into his dark eyes you feel the dull ache between your thighs that makes you clench your them shut to relieve the feeling.

Your hand gripping at his base in a grip that makes Mark groan at the feeling, pumping him in your fist, teasing his tip with your tongue pressing your thumb against it as a thin string of spit connects the two of you together. “Fuck, even when you’re being bratty you’re still a tease” Mark says wincing as your grip tightens and your movements speed up. The sight of his thighs shaking makes you smile, though you know the sheer slick sound of precut and spit wasn’t the only sound you could make hit the air.

Wrapping your lips around his cock pressing your head down farther ignoring the burn in your throat as you lets the tip of his cock press against the back of your throat letting the sound of a long awaited moan you had been wanting to hear making your throat tighten around him which makes his bunch your hair back up once more guiding your head up and down on his dick sucking as the soft gags and sound of suckleing breach the heavy air.

Mark letting his other hand run through his black hair and fall back down on his forehead. “F-fuck” he huffs as his hips buck into the warmth from the back of your throat. Biting his lip as he feels the tingling sensation in his lower stomach while his thighs tense. His heartbeat is thrumming in his ears as he feels like his body is being reduced to nothing.

“That’s it baby” he moans airily as his hand presses down on the back of your head guiding you down his cock faster, his hips respond, Mark loves the way you look with tears in your eyes and mascara spilled with spit dripping down your chin and onto your chest in strings as your hair is absolutely fucked up by his hand.

“Look so pretty like that baby” he moans as his vision gets splotched, he’s closer and he can feel the burning white heat in his stomach clenching up and roaring to be released. His eyes widening at the feeling of your soft palm pressed flat against his tip rubbing quickly making him whine as his hips fuck into your fist at his base.

“Gonna cum” he groans as he looks you in your eyes watching as your wet eyelashes fluttered and your eyes look up at him, jaw slacking Mark feels himself letting go earning a deep groan from his throat that makes you gasp at how much he’s giving you. “Fuck” you whisper looking down at his dick covered in cum, red and throbbing; while mark lays back on the bed his face pale as if he’s seeing the pearly gates.

“C’mere” he says throaty and drained you move to sit in his lap making sure not brush against his sensitive cock. Mark sits up on his hands pressing his palms deep into the mattress as they sink in, you hesitantly find a comforting way to sit without touching him harshly while he’s coming down.

The pad of his thumb why’s away the saliva around your lips before he presses his lips to your forehead then to your lips heatedly, you moan almost instantly craving the feeling of his plump lips pressed against yours as he tastes himself on your tongue. His hands gripping the fat of your ass squeezing as he pulls you closer your hands settle to the back of his neck letting your fingers run through his hair.

Pulling away Mark nips and suckles on the skin of your throat making you lean your head back give him all the space he needs to litter small marks across your skin waiting to bloom into purple and blue bruises. His hands finding the bottom of your shirt pulling it over your head slowly as he kisses the skin above your navel up to the bottom of your bra he doesn’t hesitate to unclip and throw to the ground with your shirt.

Mark pulls his shirt over his own head letting you take the time to pull your pants and panties off. Mark settles you in his lap once more facing the mirror almost embarrassed at how disheveled you looked. “Look at you, my girl looks so pretty. Waiting to get fucked stupid” Mark whispers in your ear as your eyes watches the way his cock his hard and pressed against your navel, you clench around nothing.

“You wanna make it up to me? Make me feel better? Ride this fucking dick” he mumbles and that makes your head drop back as a moan ripples off the walls through the air. “s’not fair mark” you mumble as you crumble at the feeling of your clit pressed against him your mind utterly cloud with nothing but mark, mark, mark. You can’t get enough of it, adjusting your hips to press his tip against your sticky entrance teasing him in return as you sink down on just the tip making him sink his nails into your hip earning a wince.

“I don’t got the patience baby” he mumbles against your shoulder as he looks at you over the shoulder slowly pressing his hips up into you slowly making you sink onto his cock taking every inch he can give you until your ass is pressed against his thighs. “That’s it” he hisses as you grind down on him the feeling of him taking up all your space, filled to the brim makes your stomach feel warm and your chest tight at the stretch.

Your feet folding under your thighs as your hands reach back to hold onto his hands, anything, you you just need to feel him but mark does you better by wrapping his arms around your waist letting his warm palms rub against your tummy. The slick sound of you grinding against him makes you whine. Slowly lifting your hips and dropping them making Mark’s breathing shutter like a stack of paper in the wind.

Bouncing on his lap, his thrusts deep enough to make your thighs tremble as you whine, your thighs starting to burn as you push through the feeling letting your finger nails dig crescent shapes into his skin. “You like that? s’It feel good?” He asks as his hips rock against you his eyes watching the way your ass bounces letting a hand fall behind you letting a deafening smack reverberate off the walls.

“Yeah” you nod your head his eyes can’t stay in one place bouncing from you to the mirror in love with everything in sight. The trembling in your thighs slows you down making you switch between bouncing and grinding your hips making Mark grip your thighs “don’t slow down” he chuckles as his hands lift the weight of your thighs as impact was less of a worry.

The slick sounds in the air make your head dizzy as you barely catch the dirty words mark are whispering into your skin as his lips trail up your spine making your bones utterly shiver. “Keep going, don’t stop” he says his voice low and gruff like gravel sending goosebumps all over your skin that makes your hips bounce faster.

“That’s it” he mumbled his fingers rubbing small circles on your clit that makes your head fall back immediately making Mark scoff. “Didn’t I say look in the mirror? Look in the fucking mirror” he says sternly his rough palm colliding with the skin of your ass that makes you whine as you straighten up looking at yourself.

Hair a mess, makeup smudged as your mascara runs. You couldn’t be embarrassed with the way you were absolutely fucking yourself dumb on his cock, it felt too good to care, the shrill feeling in your lower stomach making your breath get caught in your throat as you clench down tighter on him.

“Get up” he said and it immediately made you want to burst into tears. You were so close, just a hair away from feeling that rush of energy and pleasure wash over you in white warm waves. You move anyways, slowly as it makes you feel empty. Mark guides you to rest on your stomach arching your back he leans close between your thighs letting a glob of spit trickle down your pussy making you gasp.

Spreading your legs farther apart seeing the way you glisten under your bedrooms dim lamp propped in the corner. “Look at you, all tired, you tired baby?” He asks as he pumps himself watching your expression in the mirror with a smirk seeing you nod your head. “Just wanna see you cum” you mumble as your temple presses against the mattress.

Mark hums in response as he presses his tip to your soaked entrance as the strings of spit and slick string against his tip as he slaps his tip against you making your hips jerk in response before pushing against him, the stretch is welcomed and you moan at the feeling of being full again. “You like that?” He asks as he sinks in slower making your jaw slack before your teeth cage over your bottom lip nodding.

His hand pressing against your ass as the other against your hip as his pelvis touches your skin making you grind against him. “Feels so fucking good” you whisper as you stack your arms in front of you and rest your chin on your forearm watching mark through the mirror who looks at just how deep he is inside you.

Pulling out just enough for his tip to still be inside before pressing harshly back into you making you moan as he repeats more harshly before utterly pounding into you, his hands touching your body in ways he knows only he can. “You know where to look” he says groaning as he pats your ass making your eyes flicker from him to yourself.

You know mark looks good, his dark hair sticking to his forehead and neck sticky with sweat, his feint abs covered in sweat that makes him look absolutely delicious. “Fuck yourself on my dick, come on” he says gently and it makes your head spin “come on pretty” he whispers as you lift yourself on your hands using it as leverage to bounce yourself in his lap picking up the pace.

“please cum” you whimper as you let your head fall back to look mark in his eyes absolutely filled with lust. “Wan’ you to cum so fucking bad, please” you moan and it makes Mark feel like he’s gonna lose it. His hand presses to your upper back making you fall back into the mattress, Mark leans over you completely like a tower wrapping his arm around your neck putting you in a headlock as he lets his hips buck into you sloppily.

Your moans die out as the constricting feel in your throat makes your jaw drop in pleasure as your eyes roll back. “Look at that fucking mirror hm?” He says into your ear, his breathing heavy as he can feel himself getting close almost like a sneeze the tingling sensation bundles up in your lower stomach as you force yourself to look in the mirror.

“Don’t want anybody else no more right?” He asks as his hips continue to piston into you “no, just you” you slur your words can barely make it out of your mouth with how good he fucks you. “Your little friend can’t do better can he?” He asks even though he knows the answer he still asks just to hear it from your mouth. “Never could make me cum” you whine as your thighs twitch.

“Cum with me, that’s all I need you to do for me baby” he moans as he absolutely tears up your insides making you grip his arm and sink your nails into his skin as you smoosh your face against his temple releasing all tension in your stomach the same time you hear the deepest moan to be released past marks throat that makes keep your eyes shut tightly as your body falls limp against him in pleasure as he fills you with the warm feeling of his cum.

Letting a few more rough thrusts make you completely shutter against him as he stops pulling away from you making you feeling the coldest you have been since he’s stepped inside your apartment, pulling out Mark watched how your dripped with his cum spilling on the sheets and onto your thighs he hums tiredly in satisfaction of his work almost as if your pussy was a masterpiece he painted with his cum.

Standing up Mark works with you in gentle touches as you wince at the dull ache between your thighs. “It’s okay, I got you” he mumbles as he carries your weight to the bathroom sitting you on the counter as he runs a bath. The both of you eventually situate in the bath with your back pressed to his chest as he cups the bath water letting it spill over your shoulders as he runs the rag lathered in soap over your skin.

“You’re mean when you’re jealous” you say, your throat dry and hoarse yet you don’t mind using whatever little bit of your voice you have to tease Mark. “Well maybe when you do shit to make me jealous I just show the ugly feelings” he mumbles as he presses a kiss to your temple. “You’re never gonna talk to him an again are you?” He asks with a hint of teasing in his voice “after this? Absolutely not” you laugh as you reach your hand up to his hand letting your nails rake through the wet tangles that makes Mark relax into you as his chin rests on your shoulder pressing a kiss to the skin. “Good” he mumbles.

©neopercs

#𖦹—( neo percs )#mark smut #nct smut #nct dream smut #nct 127 smut #mark lee smut #mark hard hours #mark x reader

756 notes · View notes

jiminjamms · 2 years

Text

sex therapy :: 15. disciplined

chapter tags/warnings: someone becomes your special teacher ;) straight-up degradation. dick sucking and facefucking. spanking. pet names ("kitten", "slut", "whore", "idiot"). nonconsenual undertones. infidelity/adultery. strong language. humiliation. classism. can be read as stand-alone!

word count: 3.6k

notes: happy new year, dear readers! apologies for not posting in a while. not that i lost motivation or got writer's block, but i was so busy with my last semester at university. i'm thankfully done now! enjoy the update! likes, comments, and reblogs are much appreciated. xoxo

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“Because I wonder what would happen once I spread you over the car hood and took you right there.”

Holy—

Choso’s words stirred awake fantasies that never before crossed your mind—how you would be perched on the Corvette, how Choso would press your legs to his chest, how he would slowly fuck himself into you, how your warm cunt would eventually get the better of him, how his cum would then drip onto the shiny blue metal of his car.

As the mental images left your heart seized in your chest, you twisted at your wedding band in anticipation—a habit you had yet to break.

“You…wouldn’t actually do that, right?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Although he exhaled to control his composure, nothing could hide the visible bulge under his black jeans, the sight sucking nearly all your willpower to avoid staring at the silhouette like a wanton whore.

“Because people would see us.” You then masked a thick swallow. “You would have to be crazy to fuck in public.”

“You think that’s crazy?” he repeated but did not seem insulted in the slightest. "Oh, I’ve done much, much crazier.”

Even crazier?

As much as you were concerned about the legality of his insinuations…That wild side of him, you wanted to see.

The thought alone left you holding your breath, blood rushing south when his hand began to run up and down your inner thigh.

The only thing that could distract you was how the inked ivy on his forearm flexed as he switched lanes, not that this new fixation stopped your squirming anyway. Still, you watched him swerve to the next exit and coolly navigate through a network of narrow and unlit roads, the convertible’s speed slowing considerably until he makes one final turn into an empty lot.

Choso, in one smooth motion, parked his Corvette in the spot where one could revere the Tokyo skyline glittering across the bay—although, in your honest opinion, the only view worth admiring was the stud beside you. The said man, however, turned off the engine and let go of your thigh, causing you to wince from the retracted warmth.

You nearly begged him to keep his hands on you until you watched him step off the vehicle, walking around the bumper with long strides to the shotgun seat, then gripping the handle and swinging the door open.

You stared dumbly at him, a gaze he returned with black-as-night eyes alive with some unreadable emotion. Before you could make any sense of your clouded thoughts, Choso leaned over slightly.

“Out,” he commanded. His voice had roughened up into a hoarse, his face shadowed with seriousness. “And get on your knees.”

The sheer egregiousness in his demand is enough to leave your heart stopping for a hard beat, especially since his height was formidable compared to the seated you. When you didn't respond immediately either, Choso’s long exhale from above grazed against your skin. He was losing his patience.

“C’mon now. I didn’t stutter. I gave you an order, idiot.”

Hands growing clammy, you avoided his stare. “But—"

Except Choso didn’t want to waste time dealing with your bullshit. He reached for you, his right hand darting outward and gripping your small wrist like a lifeline. Before you could even process much, Choso yanked you from your seat and essentially tossed you onto the ground.

You cried out as you stumbled and then fell onto your knees, hands instinctively planted on the concrete to support yourself. The new cuts on your palms would surely sting for the next few days, not to mention the red marks that his fingers also left on your wrist.

Although you try to stand up, the pain made you falter such that all you could do was sit up with your feet tucked neatly beneath your bottom. The gashes hurt, and Choso approached just as your eyes began to line with tears.

When his steps stopped mere inches away, your neck craned at an awful angle just to glare into the murky pool that was his eyes. “Are you insane?”

The jerk, handsome but enigmatic as always, shrugged. “Maybe.”

“So that’s a yes.”

At that, a thumb thrust between your parted lips shut you up.

“Stop complaining,” Choso snapped, his voice the deepest and most demanding that it had ever been. His thumb shoved further past your lips, pressing at your tongue to keep you from talking, not caring how you were gagging on his finger by now. “I’m playing nice even after all the shit you’ve been pulling on me last night. I don’t see you whining with all those other guys you’ve been fucking. What’s the matter?”

Petty, you thought and then scoffed.

But Choso caught that.

He responded with a harsh pull at your jaw. “Did you just roll your eyes at me?”

Rhetorical question. Choso already knew the answer, and his nostrils flared with irritation even as his free hand dangerously toyed with his fly.

“You know, I’ve been real patient with you, so show some respect, alright? My fingers didn’t even play with your pussy, but anyone could tell how wet you were in my car. And don’t think I didn’t notice you stealing glances at my boner earlier, you lil’ minx.” Noticing your eyes blow wide, his frown twisted into a smirk. Except everything evil about this felt so good when you caught sight of the piercings that gleamed by his ears. “What a dirty, dirty girl.”

So, he knew.

His comments were downright embarrassing—mortifying, even. Nonetheless, the humiliation stoked the flame of arousal within you anyway, possibly more so than you cared to admit. Choso was much more perceptive than you expected, which made sense given the skills he needed to assess sex-deprived clients during the day and stalk targets at night.

Therefore, when Choso eventually tore his thumb from your mouth, you thought that he finally took notice of your sorry state and pitied you.

That was until his other hand popped his jean button loose and tugged his zipper down.

You were stumped at first. With knees still pressed to the floor, you glanced at him from under your lashes, your lips puckered perfectly into a confused pout.

However, that confusion morphed quickly into realization once Choso lowered his jeans and boxers together, his large hands pulling the thick fabric down until the waistbands rested underneath his balls. His cock—thick and proud—sprung free and into the newly found freedom. Precum from the head oozed shamelessly down his shaft, the pretty pink tip mere millimeters from your nose.

Despite the depravity of this all, your heart fluttered at the sight, your stomach folding in sick anticipation.

Then, whatever premonitions you had were all confirmed with Choso’s one-word order: “Suck.”

Immediately, you panicked at the command. Just one glimpse at his twitching cock indicated that you would have trouble fitting that enormous dick any more than a few inches past your lips. You would gag.

Hell, you were sure to choke.

When a fear-filled lump coagulated at the back of your throat, you glanced up at Choso with your poor little puppy eyes, hoping that would distract him from his primal desires.

As if Choso would ever let you off the hook that easily.

“What?” he asked in the end, voice split between curiosity and impatience. “Haven’t given anyone a blowjob before?”

You decided not to answer; this wasn’t any of his business anyway.

Rather, you approached him meekly. When you wrapped one hand around the base, Choso hissed at the contact. His cock was already so hard, and from what? You had barely touched him, yet his dick spasmed from your grip, the foreskin sweltering hot against your roughed-up palms.

A harsh sting bloomed on your right cheek, only then realizing that Choso had slapped you right across the face.

“You’re losing focus, idiot. Pay attention to me.” His thumb prodded at your mouth again. “C’mon. Open up wide.” As he waited, he caught a strand of tousled hair between two long fingers, then delicately tucked the loose strands behind your ear. He peered down, giving you the sweetest sickliest smile a man can give. “You’re supposed to be a nice slut for me. Right, baby?”

Baby. He had you right there.

“Y...es,” you murmured. He had you wrapped around his finger, and you're suddenly too entranced to notice. "Yes...I am."

“Good. Then, I’ll show you how I like my cock sucked.”

What?

Before you could even process that last statement, Choso dug one large hand into your scalp. Messy strands now threaded through his spread-out fingers, he tugged forcefully at your hair—his warm fingertips pressed against your skull, his girthy cock suddenly shoved past your parted mouth, his fluids a foul bitter on your tongue, and his dark eyes wide at the moisture and warmth that sheathed him.

Tears, both due to the pain at your scalp and the burn at your throat, trickled down your flushed cheeks.

Breathe...

Even with your nose smushed against his crotch, even with your eyes popped wide open as you gurgled and gagged, you still had to breathe and soon the only other sensation aside from pain was that faint maple leaf scent that was so distinctly his.

“Oh...no, no, bimbo,” he hummed when you attempt to dig your nails into his skin, swatting your feeble hands away. “No touching. Bad girls aren’t not allowed to touch. Only I can. That’s what you get for not following my rules the other night. So, I’m going to hold your head, and you’re going stay still and be a good cocksleeve for me.”

Even if alarm bells should be going off in your head now, your heart palpitated at the prospects of what he just might do. Therefore, when you eventually nodded instead, Choso chuckled and muttered something about how you were always such a pretty little mess, such an ‘eager little pleaser.’

He had jerked off plenty, but there was nothing he loved more than having you completely under his control, fucking into your mouth with long and languid motions. He also loved hearing the noises that spilled from your mouth—the choked sobs that soon became garbled whimpers and breathy squeals.

Choso also always thought you were rather pretty, but when his eyes managed to leer downwards and saw what you looked like, mouth full of cock and spit dripping down your chin, he knew you’d never looked better.

For a man like himself, letting anyone see him this vulnerable was something that Choso had promised he would never do. Nonetheless, here he was...hamstrings tensing every time his tip bumped the back of your throat, fingers flexing each time his dick went in deeper than he thought possible. There was just something so different about seeing you on your knees, taking in his dick when his precum had already been bubbling from the tip.

“That’s right,” Choso hissed at some point, although you couldn’t tell how long he had been abusing your throat by then. Nothing aroused him more than to discipline with his dick and boy, did he love watching the way you bobbed your head back and forth, letting your saliva trail all over him. “Real fuckin’ sweet and obedient now, aren’t you? Do you follow directions this well for all those other therapists you fucked?”

You shook your head as his scrotum smacked into your chin, which Choso approved with a satisfied tug.

“Good.”

Muffled wails dropped from your mouth as he kept fucking your face, but he ignored you. After all, this was what you got for being so naughty. Plus, even if you thought his actions were entirely degrading before, the crazy thing was that you found this morbid fascinating now.

“Dumb, dumb puppy,” Choso chuckled when you unconsciously moaned around his cock.

As though to prove his point, Choso pulled his dick out of your mouth, marveling at how you whined at the emptiness. He didn’t want to keep you (or himself) waiting for too long though. Wordlessly, he pulled you up from the concrete even bewilderment riddled your expression.

“What are you—”

“One more word and I’ll make sure you won’t ever be able to use that throat again.”

So just like a well-behaved pup, you decided to shut up.

Once he led you to the front of the car, he slammed you onto the Corvette’s hood. As disoriented as you may be, he swiftly made a home between your thighs and manhandled you to his convenience—flipping you to your back, spreading your legs apart, hiking up the hem of your dress. After pawing at your pink panties, he finally pulled the fabric off in one smooth motion.

You didn’t know how or when, but you were utterly soaked. How embarrassing, the way your folds had lubricated themselves in anticipation. You unsuccessfully hid a shiver, not expecting the cool evening air to graze your sopping cunt.

“Fuck,” Choso groaned, liking what he sees. Nothing could hide the perverted glint in his gaze.

Holding you by your torso, he slid you halfway off the hood to roll his hips right next to yours. His cock bobbed as he readjusted himself, a few drops of precum landing on your skin. When he lines his cock with your slit, the face that he made when he finally had your wet cunt kissing his tip was obscene, but that was nothing compared to how your entire body shuddered in pleasure.

“F-Feels good,” you breathed, barely audible. You tried to catch your breath, clawing at his white sleeves and feeling up his arm muscles underneath in the process. How you wanted to hold onto him for dear life. “Feels so, so good.”

“I know.” He could tell from how you were practically begging for him to stuff you and, when he finally eased himself deep inside you, from how you would roll your eyes right to the back of your skull. He grinned. “So fuckin’ slutty.”

A choked moan dissipated from your lips when you felt the head pressing against your cervix. Soft, trembling...you were trying much too hard to be good. Nothing could compare to this utter gratification, his hard pelvis hitting your clit each time he forcefully plunged into you, sending waves from your abdomen up to your nipples.

“Just like that,” you would say, over and over.

Choso Kamo would never admit this aloud, but he sure thought your kitten-like mewls sounded real cute up close. At the office, he had heard you moan and cry out before, but there was something nice knowing that he himself was the one making you feel this good. He sure doted on your cute expressions as well, the way your face would scrunch in pleasure, plush lips shaping into a perfect pout.

“Desperate bitch,” he said upon the soft plea of his name, although he was the one rutting through your folds like an animal in heat. “Always crying for people to stuff you. Such a whore.”

Fucked dumb, you nodded, not processing the shame of what he was saying.

“Yes, I am,” you hummed. If anything, his cold voice had only made you feel hotter. “Am your whore.”

“That’s right,” Choso sneered, your babbles the only words he had ever wanted to hear. “Let me hear you again. Don’t be shy—it’s just the two of us here. Keep acting like that, and I...I might just forgive you.”

Forgiven. You want to be forgiven.

Spurred by the possibility, you obeyed. An eager little pleaser indeed. Look at yourself, muttering all sorts of crude declarations until there was one that caught the therapist’s attention: “Use me like I’m all yours.”

Acting just like his little whore should.

Wholly satisfied, Choso picked up the pace, increasing his speed until he was hitting your g-spot with stunning accuracy. He anchored you by the hip with a firmer grip than necessary, making sure that every thrust would bring him back to the right place.

“Oh...” you sighed. Without looking, you could feel a mixture of slick and saliva trickle from you as he pounded harder—the juices sliding out from your cunt, down along your crack, and onto the metal underneath.

“Shit,” Choso mumbled once he caught sight of the scene. He swatted at your ass as a warning, ignoring your gasps in pain. “You’re making a mess of my hood. Messy girl with a messy cunt.”

How filthy.

Right when you were about to make more of a mess on the scene too.

With the familiar pressure building in your own lower abdomen, your teeth clamped your lower lip. Even that couldn’t stop the involuntary noise that eked from your throat—a whimper. But that was only because you were suppressing a pitiful melody of painful pants and sharp sputters in its stead.

“Choso,” you squeaked, nerves on fire at this point. “If you keep doing this...”

Your legs instinctively wrapped around his torso to pull him in, only for him to push you away. To properly admonish you, he slid a hand up your thigh and roughly squeezed at the flesh.

“Who gave you permission to enjoy yourself?” Choso snarled while you winced. He cocked his head too, which gave you a glimpse of his black ink-covered ink by his sweatshirt's collar. “This isn’t for your pleasure. This is to teach you a lesson.”

Before you could try defending yourself, he raised his right hand, which came down hard to strike at your ass. You yelped, so for his own sick reasons, he did this again and again and again until reddened marks littered your skin. What a nice color, quite appropriate for a naughty lassie like you.

After a particularly hard swat, tears started to prick again at your eyes.

“Stop! Please!” you cried out.

“Not until you show me that you're sorry.”

As far as Choso was concerned, all he wanted to do was discipline you—more specifically, break you—so that you would know to never mess with him again. He realized then and there that he liked to fuck you as he spanked you because he could never confess how much your pretty faces would egg him on.

“This is what you deserve,” he justified right as a large hand punished you once more.

“I’m sorry! I,” you gasped at another strike, but you...liked the pain? “I'm a bad, bad girl! I truly am sorry.”

As your stomach muscles tightened, your heels dug into his lower back and Choso responded with a low grunt.

His unforgiving thrusts were quickly losing their precision as well. At this rate, he might just blow his load earlier than he wanted to. He had originally hoped to pull out of your pussy and let you take his load down your throat, but he didn’t think that he would make it. That dick sucking earlier pushed him much closer to the edge than he originally thought.

“Think you earned my forgiveness?”

You nodded. “‘M promising I won’t spread myself for anyone else again.”

This time, he slapped you across the face rather than your ass. “A complete fucking lie,” he scoffed, completely disappointed by how your tears were streaming down now. Weak. “Loose women like you can’t help taking more dick than they can handle. Right?”

“Yes!” you prattled, afraid of how else he would punish you if you disagreed. Not that he was wrong, per se. Steadying yourself, your small hands buried into his sleeves, watching how your juices were just pooling on his hood by now.

From above, Choso complained—something about how you were getting distracted again, but you couldn’t quite discern the words as a haze messed with your cognition. To bring you back to your senses, he delivered the most forceful blow on your left cheek instead.

“Just...Fuck...!” you screamed when the pain rushed straight to your pussy, causing you to slide right into a heated orgasm. The tight strings that had built in your stomach suddenly snapped, your jaw slacked as electricity shot from your core to your fingertips, causing you to twitch in uncontrollable ways. “Too much!”

Choso’s gruff grunt sunk into the night as you came around his cock, your puffy pussy gripping his length. He chased his own climax and dug his fingernails deep into your hips, surely leaving crescent-shaped marks on your unblemished skin.

Knowing that he shouldn’t, Choso still peered down at the space where you’re connected, unable to resist the temptation. He riveted in the lewd image before his very eyes, your wet cunt still convulsing around his fat cock, the image far too much for him to handle especially when you’re making such a fucked out face.

“Take it,” he found himself saying unconsciously. “Take me, baby. Fuck—"

His words stopped short, whittling to nothing more than a low haggard rumble as he met his own end.

“Fucking take it,” was the last thing he said before he slumped over, pushing deep into you as his balls seized and released repeatedly, thick ropes of hot cum painting your inner walls with white.

Choked moans chorused into the evening, the sounds sucked into the nighttime’s void. For the first time this evening, peace and silence settled in, the heavy pants slowly giving way to even breaths.

After several more moments, Choso slipped out with a wet pop.

You blinked past the post-orgasmic haze, expecting to see him offer a disapproving look only to find that he was smirking. This man had fucking beautiful eyes, even when he wore the most mischievous expression.

Asshole.

“I’ll accept your apology. Since you’ve made things up for me.” Leaning over, he planted a chaste kiss on your forehead, his nicest gesture to you ever. He pulled his pants back on and then gently swiped a thumb over your bum, at a spot where the bruises hurt the most. “I won’t even hold you for the mess you’d made on my car.”

Flustered, heat suffused your face. "Thank...you."

He fished his Corvette keys from his back pocket, ready to pop open the trunk. "Let me return your little dress from last night, too."

"Thank you...again."

"Of course, baby."

Choso would never say this, but he was smitten. Look at how polite you were now, almost as though you were a changed woman. All that took was a little teaching.

"Then, shall we head back?" That was no question. That was an order. "I want Naoya Zenin to see you like this."

last chapter || next chapter

end notes: 1) choso is so mysterious in canon—and I LIVE for it. i did my best to convey that obscurity, dominance, and sexiness in his character here. 2) also, his blue corvette is a reference to that line in eiffel 65's blue. that 1990s song lives in my mind rent free.

taglist: @dissociatingdiva @httpsplanetmarsdotcom @pulchritxde-blog @huangfairy @shadowarchon @203steph @agentdedf1sh @cloudybabes @hinativity @lynn-writes-things @illicitwriter @7oji @kikuchimi @piqer @nobody289x @chaoticjojofan @musicisme333 @vvestwoodrose @kumocchin @s-guru @mwahilovemylife @hey-gurls69 @cloudsinthecosmos @moon-mumu-moon @kazscara @obitohno @skilerfrostfairy @funicidals @nico707 @proteovaldez @nemoyr @tsukiyohanayome @tokyometronetwork @downtown-roponggi @the-cosmos-network

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bambi-kinos · 1 year

Text

excerpts from the McLennon server (hamburg part 2)

Thank you everyone for your patience. This is Part Two of the ongoing Hamburg Conversation from the McLennon server. Part One is here: https://www.tumblr.com/bambi-kinos/718114537612656640/excerpts-from-the-mclennon-server

In Part Two of the Hamburg Conversation we discussed the 1960 trip from Paul’s POV and why he abandoned the Beatles to get a job as a coil winder. This goes into Stuart and Klaus and the Exis, plus how Paul reacted to John’s mind games where he pitted his loved ones against each other. Much has been made of John in Hamburg and how it connected to his later patterns but very little discussion of Paul comparatively.

This conversation was much messier as it spanned several days. We used Discord’s “reply” feature liberally. Sometimes you will see disparate time stamps; this is because I decided to pair the replies with the original comments they were replying to for the sake of readability. Please let me know if there are any confusing points where this doesn’t work and I’ll do my best to clarify the conversation.

***

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/07/2023 11:02 PM I am back on my bullshit about Hamburg again. this period is just super fascinating to me because of all the possibilities and the way things happened the way they did

I also want to understand why Paul chose John when the first Hamburg trip really sucked in a lot of ways and it could easily have ended with them going off to do something else.

in the beginning John helped Stuart bully Paul and he ostracized Paul from the group via the Exis (apparently deliberately? I go back and forth on this all the time, because I wouldn't put it past John to do it on purpose... but then again his MO was to get enamored with something new only to eventually drop it and snuggle up to Paul again so John probably didn't see it that way?) But once all of that was over and they were back in Liverpool, John tracked down Paul and he had to do a lot of shitwork to get back into Paul's good graces again.

Paul found a job at his dad's behest but I don't think he would have continued with the Beatles if John hadn't come to fetch him. John did something really smart when he came to fetch Paul from the yard where Paul was working: he brought George. First he had to tell George "yeah I'm back" but then he brought George with him to ask Paul to come back. Smart. Strength in numbers. Shows that he's serious and it doesn't look like he's begging because he brought another band member with him.

but Paul didn't leave that job immediately. It took months for Paul to fully come back to the Beatles. John eventually had to give him an ultimatum. I think after the experience of Stuart and the Exis and the group bullying, I think that those months were John working his way back into Paul's good graces again. And eventually Paul forced John to prove that he still wanted Paul, in a way. Earlier when we talked about this Betty made a really good point that Paul was the one fighting for the music, like John was. Stuart met Astrid and John let him go because he knew Stuart was already choosing Astrid over him so it was better not to fight it. But that period after John came back... that's fascinating. John recuperated for a while by not telling anyone he had come back. Paul got a job (and it sounds like he didn't need a lot of pushing) and I think it was because he might have been preparing to leave the Beatles thing behind completely.

Like I think Paul came back to Liverpool thinking that he and John were not friends anymore. IMO Paul carried the memory of the experience with the Exis around and that he remained distant from them forever.

Funnily enough, Paul has turned out the real black sheep of the whole trip. Everybody hates him and I only feel sorry for him.” — Stuart Sutcliffe in a letter to Rod Murray, late 1960

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/07/2023 11:09 PM I mean look at that. Look at the sheer petty contempt in that quote + the caricature. That's something else man. There's no way Paul doesn't carry the memory of that with him. And I think its present in the Revolver cover as well. Look at how Klaus portrays Paul:

I think Paul looks off to the side because that's all Klaus really gets out of him. We all know what it's like to be treated in a crappy way by friends-of-your-friends and I've said before that I think the first Hamburg trip is where a lot of John and Paul's patterns got solidified. So Paul isn't friends with the Exis, even in 1966, because he remembers who Klaus is and who he hung out with and I think those memories are very painful for him. He holds on to them. Maybe not grudges but he holds onto that pain. (And I mean, that's fair. I still remember my elementary school bully and if she were on fire in front of me I wouldn't even take a whizz on her.)

Klaus only ever saw Paul's profile... if they don't meet your eyes do you really know them? John rarely met Yoko's eyes in public I notice, whereas he was constantly diving into Paul's.... right up until that photo from the Lost Weekend where he's turned as far away from Paul as he can get... So Paul's profile being the thing Klaus drew speaks to the distance between Paul and Klaus... and Paul and the other Beatles. Even among other misfits, Paul doesn't fit in. In a lot of ways Linda was the only one who could accept him for his true self even if there was a lot of nastiness underneath that.

I think the 1966 cover is indicative that Paul held Klaus at a distance, even then. Klaus saw Paul's loneliness in Hamburg and how this made him bitter, apparently doesn't empathize with it very much since he played on HDYS.

If Klaus had tried to make friends with Paul as adults, he would have run full into the Wall. There's no way that Paul McCartney would be friends with someone who drew a caricature of him like that when Paul was friendless and in pain and the only thing he had was music and girls.

And I understand that Hamburg was full of psychosexual drama from 18 and 20 year olds, but I think that its significant because of how Paul got frozen in time due to the fame thing, struggling to grow up, suffering from a kind of Peter Pan syndrome.

So I find it interesting that... Paul got a job after Hamburg. I don't think John would have had to show up with George on Paul's lunch break and essentially beg him to come back if Paul had been gung ho about the Beatles. John had to earn his way back into a friendship with Paul. It took months for Paul to give up the job and join the Beatles fully, John remembers it as a "long trip."

There's another recollection that when John finally gave Paul the ultimatum that Paul bounced into the Cavern -- what if this is Paul being happy that John chose him, that John cared enough to give Paul an ultimatum?

John remembers it as a custody battle between him and Jim where he fought Jim for Paul's attention... but what if Paul saw it as something else entirely?

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/07/2023 11:20 PM Like, Paul got a job after Hamburg. He didn't know that John was back in town. I don't think we know when John told him that he was back. I think Paul got a job because he thought that he and John were not friends anymore after his experiences in Hamburg and the last thing he expected was for John to show up and nag him about coming back. I think Paul was convinced that John would go all in with Stuart and the Exis or that they were a sign that John was done with Paul completely. He didn't understand that John was watching Paul the entire time they were in Hamburg, watching Paul be in the filth with him, taking the pills and dealing with the gangsters and living for the music in a way that Stuart never could.

And from Paul's POV, the long stretch of months between John finding him at the spooling yards to beg Paul to come back, and Paul being given an ultimatum that he needed to choose between his job or the Beatles -- I think that period was Paul waiting to see if John really loved him/was really wanting to be Paul's friend or not.

BRrraCKets! — 05/08/2023 4:56 AM Paul doesnt suffer fools gladly, he called out the Exis on some of their bullshit and they didnt like it. They also took to Stuart and I would imagine it was a case of if your friend doesnt like someone then they dont either. Ive always felt that Klaus didnt like Paul, most of his drawings of him arent very nice, theres an odd one thats ok. That Revolver cover has always irked me with how hes drawn Paul compared to the others. I like your take on it.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 5:01 AM Do you remember the details on Paul's interactions with the Exis? I don't remember that from Tune In.

That's a really good point about Stu not liking him so the others took the lead from him, oof.

I think Klaus may have (hopefully) chilled out on Paul since then but yeah, I don't think they're really friendly towards each other. Maybe "dislike" is too strong but they only ever had John and Stu in common and, well. Paul never let Klaus in.

BRrraCKets! — 05/08/2023 5:04 AM Ive read of it somewhere but cant remember where! It was just a sentence or two.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 5:04 AM Probably a Paul bio of which I am reading McCartney Legacy

we'll have to wait for Betty to wake up

BRrraCKets! — 05/08/2023 5:45 AM I wonder, when Stuart left the Beatles, did Klaus hope to take his place on the bass. Paul stepping in would have been another reason to dislike him.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 5:47 AM That's an interesting idea. No clue but maybe that's an angle....

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 6:16 PM He did. I believe he says it in his memoirs, but also in an interview about the book in 2001. He said he asked John, but it was too late; Paul had already taken up the bass

Even if that had happened, I don’t think Klaus would’ve fit in, them all being from Liverpool and Klaus being German (I’m half-German, I can say that lol)

Plus he came from a very rich (diamond mines etc) background..sure, his family lost everything in the war, but some of the posh attitude was still there. And despite being fascinated by it, he didn’t consider rock n roll “real” music

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 7:19 PM did not know this about Klaus, huh

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 7:24 PM He talked about his grandfather being this fabulously rich eccentric

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 7:25 PM huh! i need to check his stuff out then

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 7:31 PM It’s in this German interview

https://www.sueddeutsche.de/kultur/im-interview-klaus-voormann-ich-waere-besser-gewesen-als-paul-1.432929

With the provocative headline “I would’ve been better than Paul”

Apple_Scruff — 05/08/2023 5:48 AM Paul playing based has always sounded like a forced thing out of desperation.

I doubt he would have agreed to switch to bass if Klaus was offering.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 5:51 AM Agree but....he may not have liked it if Klaus offered since he was so pushy about Stuart's playing.

BRrraCKets! — 05/08/2023 6:14 AM He didnt want anyone else muscling in. The group nucleus was set. His guitar was shot, he was filling in on piano, a bit of bass when S couldnt be arsed to show up, what else was he to do when G&J downright refused to take it on. Theyd gone home by then too.

mynamesbetty — 05/08/2023 7:50 AM unfortunately I can't think of anything like that in what I've read, I'll take a look at Tune In and the other Paul bios I have later We know that Paul is willing to ice people out when he feels they aren't working out for him as friends/collaborators, and after months of doing the most for the group and getting shat on by his songwriting partner and the Exis he was probably thinking "fuck it, I don't need this treatment" and got a job to start separating himself from the group

But John knows by now that Paul is his golden ticket and he has to get Paul back, so once he gets over the self-pity of leaving Hamburg in disgrace and works up the courage to ask Paul to come back, he brings George along to present a united front

The Beatles first show after coming back from Hamburg was on December 27 1960 at Litherland Town Hall, a few weeks after John arrived back in Liverpool

And I'd bet anything that Paul skipping back to rehearsal all smiles was because he felt like he'd gotten one over on Stuart and the Exis, in a "nyah-nyah he chose me over you (blows raspberries and making wanking motion)" kind of way

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 8:46 AM yesss perf

And it all worked out for him when John didn't discipline Paul for punching Stuart even tho he most likely lost

He had a good feeling about John making his choice too....

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:24 AM According to that interview from 2001, Klaus asked John to join and play bass right after Stu left, but John said Paul had already taken up the bass

Of course, in 2001, Klaus was still speculating what would have happened if he became the 5th Beatle and saying he thinks his bass playing would’ve been better for John’s style in later years

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:33 AM That whole interview [Klaus] showed both admiration and, imo, some disdain for Paul (and Paul wrote the foreword for his book, I believe) In that Interview he also vehemently denies anything sexual between John and Stu

It’s a fascinating period. I believe I read John was back in Liverpool anywhere from 10 days to three weeks before contacting George and Paul Which means he couldn’t have been to any of their usual hangouts

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 10:36 AM lol lmao

>better for John's later style >john and stu had nothing sexual going on incredible. so many things wrong

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:01 PM John periodically took time off to recharge, it was one of his quirks/needs.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:45 AM I thinks it’s still a bit of envy…everyone who got close to the Beatles and thinks “what if”

To be fair, he did admit that Paul was instrumental in making the Beatles famous, because “John wasn’t a frontman” and Paul was the only professional of the group

But you can read between the lines that there is disdain there for the Beatles’ early sound and Paul was a “charlatan”….the PR man

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:58 AM It’s interesting that John said the way he felt after he came back after Hamburg was similar to how he felt before Paris 1961…but time he wanted Paul to be there

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:09 PM and Paris 1961 ended up being a two week period of great renewal and joy for John, all because of Paul. No wonder he tried to recreate it with Yoko.

louiselux — 05/08/2023 11:41 AM It’s such a fascinating period! In the breakup Paul must’ve recognised some of John’s behaviour from back then. Dropping Paul and replacing him with someone else who is more arty and special. John may have been being tactical about it back then, maybe playing Paul and Stu against each other, waiting to see where the nexus of power/talent/ambition lay, and therefore his future. Paul wouldn’t have appreciated that at all, like who would? Also John must’ve known the power he had over Paul, and vice versa, in any number of ways inc sexuality, attraction, love, obsession. That cartoon by Klaus is so deeply unkind, coupled with Stu’s letter. You have to wonder what Paul was like with them, and what all of their behaviour was like on the daily.

louiselux — 05/08/2023 11:51 AM But it is so interesting that Paul got a crappy job on the lorries, John ignored them all for weeks, and Stu was never coming back to the band. Because the gig they subsequently did that Christmas at Litherland Town Hall was where they realised how good they were compared to the Liverpool bands, and how vastly exciting the public found them. So back from Hamburg they obviously collectively didn’t know where they were going or what they were doing, or even if they were a band. I wonder just how much persuasion had to go on on John’s part to get back in with Paul. A lot of charming, a lot of fuss and attention, persuading, light grovelling

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:18 PM in Tune In there's a lot of quotes from George about how they felt they had a lot of talent compared to the other bands, even when they were JaPaGe and they didn't actually warrant the confidence. I think for them they were seeking energy, technical ability, and stamina which Hamburg earned them in spades and brought their talent up to their expectations at last.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 11:57 AM Definitely shades of Yoko/John later on…Paul probably hoped/thought that would play out the same way as Stu.

But we also get so many contradictory stories out of Hamburg, like John claiming he and Paul bullied Stu and afterwards felt bad about it John turned away from music after Julia’s death and turned to drink and rage, it also kinda to Stu and art..only Paul’s persistence in pursuing John (for the band, for himself) turned that a bit back around.

I always wonder if at that point, John wasn’t getting from Paul what he really wanted, also there was still the age gap.. Stu was older, maybe came across as more mature and adventurous

Even George, I believe, said with Yoko, John was trying to replicate what he had with Stu.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:20 PM Yeah. its a conundrum about what that means. Did John actually feel bad after bullying Stu or did he only feel bad because then Stu died and he did some self reflecting?

Paul was very instrumental in helping John cope with losing Julia, to be fair. Paul is cited by many outsiders to be the only one who never lost his patience with John even when he was being a public embarrassment or acting violent and cruel. my personal take is that Paul is the one who cleaned John up and made him fit company for Stu and Cynthia and otherwise they would have both run away from John..

louiselux — 05/08/2023 12:01 PM That is completely fascinating to think of Yoko as a Stu replacement.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 12:03 PM Yoko’s comments how John talked about Stu every day and how he was the best friend he ever had…I always thought she did that hurt Paul. And also, Stu died so young, I can believe John put him up on some untouchable pedestal that wouldn’t have survived if Stu had lived

louiselux — 05/08/2023 12:04 PM Agreed. You have to wonder what Lennon/McCartney would have been like with a Sutcliffe in the mix. Maybe not that different, possibly. Because Paul grew in confidence and became endlessly bold and weird

louiselux — 05/08/2023 12:08 PM Yoko likely said a lot of things with the intention of hurting him

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:08 PM A lot of people who were John-oriented have this complaint, that they think Paul was somehow "fake" just because he's good at selling and connects with an audience. IMO it always says a lot more about the complainer's personal issues with Paul rather than it being a legitimate criticism. Klaus doesn't like Paul because Paul cut the Exis down to size and Stuart apparently overtly hated him, then Stuart died and Paul took over the bass position which Klaus apparently asked for himself (‼️) and then Paul had the nerve to go swanning all over the world getting famous for being John's creative partner.... and no matter what Klaus says, he has eyes, he knows how John looked at Paul and what that meant.

It's just another case of someone being bitter because of Paul's success. John used Klaus as a bassman on HDYS the recording that Ringo walked out on but George did not.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:16 PM It being John looking for a potential future, that's an interesting idea. I think at that point John had kind of given up on that since he had been kicked out of art school by that point or was on his way to doing it. Music became his life because it kept his attention and he loved it -- he told a girl he was dating at the Cavern not to screw up her placement at art school the way he did. I don't know if he had high expectations for himself there -- what did John think of his heart? was he actually proud of it?

Paul said that he'd sometimes gang up on Stu with John as well as vice versa so I think it was definitely a case of John pitting them against each other to make them compete for the Best Friend spot. But then when Paul was deported he got a job instead of crawling back to John.... very reminiscent of the break up. Paul would fight for John but once he perceived he lost (Stu, Yoko) then he was perfectly capable of cutting John off. Paul is sensitive to being mistreated.

this is all speculation but I think that first trip was hard for Paul. He was lonely, he wanted John's attention, probably acted out and then got mocked and jeered at for it.

So he paid women to pay attention to him and then he was attractive and treated them decently which made him popular so while John is enjoying Stu's company and hanging out with the Exis, Paul simply hides in women and practices his guitar.

We have seen this before.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:21 PM John wanted an equal and Paul just wasn't it, even if they had chemistry. John didn't take Paul seriously until Hamburg in 1960 when he watched Paul become a man and watched him be furiously independent no matter what slings and arrows he took.

But Stu was patient and was able to meet John on a different field with Art, and John needed that very much. Paul was too young for what he wanted in a very real way.

with a Stuart that lived, I think Paul would have been pushed to make a public declaration to John instead of waffling forever. Stu was Paul's only serious competition.

louiselux — 05/08/2023 1:31 PM I think so too! Something would have had to give, because John could have gone running off to Stu at any moment

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 1:33 PM I do wonder about that scenario. It looked like John had accepted that Stu was off with Astrid. And the Paris honeymoon happened while Stu was still alive. It seems like J and P had cemented and defined their relationship

Now if Stu and Astrid didn’t last and Stu came back to Liverpool at some point…

He may have always been hanging around in the background…or maybe not.

mynamesbetty — 05/08/2023 2:04 PM John praising Paul's abilities as a bass player in 1980 must have rankled him lol, he said Paul was one of the most innovative bass players in rock

mynamesbetty — 05/08/2023 2:27 PM addendum: The Beatles with Chas Newby on bass played the Casbah on December 17 1960, we regret the error

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 2:36 PM Good! I hope it rankled

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 3:35 PM Stu had no future in Liverpool and he knew it. His application for a position at the Liverpool art college was rejected and he had a great apprenticeship going with an older German artist who recognized his talent. Stuart had no reason to back to Liverpool except to visit. I also think that Stu found his person in Astrid and their relationship would have worked.

I think the greatest threat to Paul would not be Stu's presence but what he represented in John's life: a peer who had a profound hold on John in an avenue that Paul wasn't confident about competing in. I think Paul would be very worried about John going back to Stu for sure, because he can't help being insecure about their relationship.

I think, to this day even since John is fucking dead, Paul is still worried that he will make John disgusted or bored and that John will leave him again. Irrational? Yeah. True? You bet.

I think a timeline where Stuart lives would force Paul into a corner: either he breaks the relationship or he takes a leap of faith.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 4:01 PM if anything else, this fundamental fear of Paul's would be the driver to any action Paul took regarding John in a timeline where Stuart lives. The deathly fear that Stu will take John away from him, again... Stu didn't have to be present in Liverpool, his specter would hang over everything.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 4:25 PM I can completely see that. And totally agree on Paul’s fears until this day.

I just wonder if Stu would’ve kept this idealised spot… or if he would’ve pissed John off some point like a lot of people did, which led John to cutting him off.

Or, I guess, John could’ve remained loyal to him like he did to many old friends (at least until New York) and maybe got him to do cover or promo art for The Beatles. Can you imagine?!

Stu was so very young; it’s difficult to say what could’ve happened

Misery — 05/08/2023 4:30 PM God and the thing with Paul in Hamburg too is like

Here’s this high strung cash strapped teenager. Now we’re going to take him to a foreign country, get him addicted to amphetamines, and completely abandon him for a “cooler” friend group. Wait, why is he being so annoying?????

Like, the exis loved George, and Pete was just doing his own thing because he was so independent from the rest of the group, meanwhile Paul is all of a sudden entirely friendless for seemingly no reason, and the things that he was doing back in Liverpool are suddenly seen as annoying and stupid, and he’s being ignored left and right.

And obviously the huge caveat for the drama in Hamburg is of course that they were all idiot teens/barely adults, who had suddenly been thrust into a new stressful circumstance, so no wonder they all went insane a little bit.

Like you’ve all said it’s something that time/stu living would change a lot, but that wasn’t meant to be

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 6:24 PM I really feel for Paul during that trip. I think we can kinda guess what he was feeling, but I can’t get a real read on John at the time.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 7:24 PM Yeah, John is a real enigma here. He was very close mouthed about this period aside from some little things. Presumably because it's too painful with Stuart's death. Or maybe he just didn't care because the whole thing didn't have the same weight for him as it did for Paul... or he was too ashamed to talk about it....

But John not caring seems very unlikely since Hamburg 1960 is where he came out even more insane about Paul.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 7:33 PM It might’ve been the drugs, his sexual explorations, mental health issues..but it is interesting he didn’t really talk about that period… Maybe too painful because it was the real start of them as The Beatles and he really missed it

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 7:38 PM ouch

this is a big part of it i bet

mynamesbetty — 05/08/2023 8:04 PM Tune In, written by the king of the Paul haters, pg 374-5

Many Years From Now, pg 64-5

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 8:06 PM the amount of seething contempt for a lonely 18 year old in these paragraphs, astounding

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:26 PM And I don’t think we can 100% trust Stu’s view of things either. That’s maybe how he wanted things to be. I’m not saying Paul didn’t have a rough time, but Stu may have embellished somewhat in that letter (because he also knew how important Paul was to John ultimately)

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 10:54 PM Yeah. It occurs to me (like now, as I'm writing this) that Stuart was probably venting in that letter. I don't think he liked Paul at all but that's a lot of hatefulness in one sentence and I really dislike the idea of John deliberately tolerating someone who overtly despised Paul that much. John was an asshole at times but I struggle to imagine him encouraging that level of antipathy. So hopefully it wasn't quite that bad for Paul.

louiselux — 05/09/2023 3:12 AM Also him thinking that a letter from anyone reveals ‘the stark truth of the matter’ rather than just another pov on a situation. Mehhhh. I didn’t know that about Klaus asking to be the bass player. He seems to be a person who was used to getting what he wanted, being rich and pretty, and is it possible that he resented Paul for taking a place in the Beatles/John’s friendship that he thought should have been his?

louiselux — 05/09/2023 3:26 AM The situation is weird and so opaque. I doubt John ‘hated’ Paul, as Stu put it, because why would he suddenly hate him after being so close? But John might’ve loved being accepted as a part of the new exciting clique and that might’ve trumped everything else for a bit. John was obsessed with having his gang. It feels like a lot of heightened teenage dynamics we’re going on.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:23 AM thinking that the letter holds some objective truth is a classic mistake that Lewisohn makes all the time, because its easier than accepting that there were multiple POVs on what happened. Lewisohn thinks he can flatten everything and that there's an objective "truth" to discover and present (courtesy of him naturally.) It's just dumb no matter what. One of the first things I was taught about historical study was that primary sources are king because multiple POVs proliferate. It was Paul who compared Beatlemania to an earthquake and how different stories sprout from it and they're all true.

I wonder how much Klaus was shitposting or trying to grab attention via headlines with claims like that. I would be very surprised if John gave serious consideration to Klaus joining the band, Paul was already a sure thing and he clearly wasn't going to be happy with anyone else playing bass. I hope Klaus didn't actually think he had a shot, it just makes no sense for Klaus to join the Beatles from any angle.

If he really believed that he had a shot at joining the Beatles and Paul somehow stood in his way.... then uhhhh what the heck lmao

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:34 AM This seems very likely, good insight. Makes me wonder if John staying friends with Paul might have rankled Stu as their rivalry increased? "Don't worry Rod everyone else totally hates him here but I only feel sorry for him."

John liked new experiences and getting swept away with things so its not surprising that he got enamored with the Exis. They were arty, new, and offered a fresh POV for him to see the world. Anyone would be intrigued by such a friends group. The fact that they were happy to be dominated by John and enjoyed Stuart (especially since Stu and Astrid hit it off!) probably makes it inevitable that someone would end up on the outside and that someone was Paul.

1960 John especially would be feeling his adolescent insecurities very hard so he'd naturally want the Exis as under his thumb as he could get them. I wonder if Stuart also enjoyed being controlled that way? I don't actually know how independent he was of John compared to Paul. (Tho no one ever matched Paul in sheer tenaciousness when it came to escaping John's gravity well.)

The pills, alcohol, and sleeplessness would naturally exacerbate all this.

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 10:49 AM Maybe I’m being too judgmental when it comes to Klaus; it’s hard to judge his tone in written form. Maybe he sounded self-deprecating when answering, but I was surprised that 40 years on (at the time), instead of just saying “it’s tantalising to imagine me being part of the Beatles, but nah they were perfect they way they were and I’ve my own life”…he actually still brings up how his bass playing could’ve maybe been better for the band at some point.

To be fair, he also says Beatlemania wouldn’t have happened without Paul (his looks, his professionalism) , and that Klaus himself maybe wouldn’t have had the necessary charisma

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 10:53 AM Totally agree with this. It was a wild few months; them also being away from home for the first time as well (and in a very strange environment). So many outsiders have described the bond they had before Hamburg, how Paul seemed to make John come alive etc; they already had a solid foundation. I don’t think anyone could’ve muscled in there permanently

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 12:29 PM We don't know much about him so its hard not to give him side eye sometimes lol. Ultimately Klaus seems grateful for what the Beatles did for him and how he got to have a place in history thanks to them. I wouldn't necessarily label him negatively since he seems content with his lot and has gotten to make a lot of great art over the years. He likes his niche.

Otoh its still really weird that he's apparently still maintaining a delusion about being a potential Beatle. IMO it once again says more about his relationship with Paul than anything else. Paul is the bedrock of the band and without him, there are no Beatles. Lots of people resent him for this, even other Beatles. I would bet Klaus, like many, is pulled in by John's charisma, values George as a friend, and resents/resented the fact that he couldn't get closer to them because Paul filled that space. "If I was in his place then I could be with George and John all the time and we'd be even better friends. What's so special about Paul's bass playing anyway? I'm just as good." That's the kind of resentment that sticks with you when you have famous friends i guess.

But it also misses the point and the importance of Paul: Paul's bass playing was creative and innovative. He brought new sounds into the band. He also had the energy to get them over their creative humps to deliver material for new records and consistently hit their deadlines. Paul wasn't just "the bassplayer." He was John's everything, the one who delivered results, and the one who made the records work for the Beatles. If Klaus was really as good as he thinks he is then John would have made him a fixture during the solo years. But John didn't do that because Klaus is no match for Paul's ability to consistently deliver results.

I suspect Klaus knows this or he wouldn't admit to Paul's success like that. But its probably very hard to be close to the Beatles because you would naturally want a piece of it.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 12:32 PM

So many outsiders have described the bond they had before Hamburg, how Paul seemed to make John come alive etc; they already had a solid foundation. I don’t think anyone could’ve muscled in there permanently

An extremely vital point and probably the ultimate root of the resentment surrounding Paul during that time (or any other time). No matter what they did or where they took him, John still wanted to return to Paul.

There is something special and unique about Paul that had John loving him deeply and to the exclusion of others. Even back then.

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 2:00 PM I'd just like to add that re: drugs, Paul was wary of the Prellies and usually stuck to one a night, where John was eating them like candy Paul had already shown reticence towards drugs when he refused to partake of chewing the benzedrine cartridges inside nasal sprays back in Liverpool, so that's another aspect of the "Paul's not as cool and worldly as the rest of us" ganging up on him

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 3:04 PM And then that of course carried over to Paul not wanting to try acid at first

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 3:04 PM Yeah... so Paul was often on the outside that way too

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 3:07 PM I wonder if John saw that as Paul keeping a part of himself back; of not totally committing so they could share everything together

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 3:13 PM That's a big part of it. Tune In says John habitually used Prellies to try to get people to talk to him, he used it as a tool to get people to open up. So Paul dragging his heels and only doing it when he felt like it would be infuriating (and enchanting) to John because Paul was refusing to submit to John's direction and control. Paul could skate on the edges of John's gravity well and refused to get closer until he decided to.

It also may be that John was anxious about doing these things without Paul. He wanted Paul to mirror him very early and Paul's refusal to do so fascinated him especially for those moments where Paul did eventually cave and the mirroring turned out fantastic -- it made the victories sweeter. Pete Shotton said John needed a partner in everything he did, even when he was a little kid, so it was a genuine need in him to want someone like Paul.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 3:21 PM Makes me wonder how palpable John's attraction to Paul must have been -- even if he didn't fully realize it in Hamburg yet. I fully believe that there is some watershed moment we don't know about for John realizing how deep his attraction to Paul ran.

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 3:33 PM He said he chose Paul as his partner (in music), but we know it was so much more than that. At some point he realised, ‘this is the one’. If only he’d gotten to write his memoirs…. 😢

BRrraCKets! — 05/09/2023 4:00 PM I wonder if his attraction scared him a little and that’s why he backed right off in that first Hamburg trip.

He had plenty to distract him.

When Paul was deported, John was left behind. He could easily have stayed and pursued something there and kept near Stuart, but he didnt. He went back to Liverpool. Brooded on it for a while, then pursued Paul to get back with him.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 4:06 PM I never thought of the possibility of him staying behind with Stu but you're right! oh wow

BRrraCKets! — 05/09/2023 4:06 PM I think that’s when he decided Paul was it for him.

He could have looked at picking up his art again, like Stu did, or music in another band. His heart must have decided on music, but music meant Paul.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 4:12 PM oh my god!!!! :sobface:

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 4:13 PM And also the trauma of Paul being deported... Klaus has a drawing of Paul and Pete being shoved into a cop car, I wonder if John was there if it happened like that with Paul and Pete being taken off the street

Like for John that's another loss but instead of Paul abandoning him that's someone taking Paul away from him

And so he goes home later that week.... and he stays shut up in his room for days... and when he emerges he gets George and goes straight to Paul.....

BRrraCKets! — 05/09/2023 4:15 PM He can’t do it without Paul.

Hahaha in a roundabout way, Paul made John choose between him and Stu, and Paul won!

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 4:17 PM After all that mess, John really did have a shot to choose Stuart and do art forever, hang out in Hamburg and never go back. Stuart evaded deportation by living in Astrid's house, John could do the same. But John played a few nights alone and then took all the gear back by himself

and then he chose Paul while he was convalescing in his bedroom....

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 5:10 PM I do think that was definitely part of it… but I don’t think it would’ve been that easy for him to stay had he wanted to… Stu was different because he’d already started establishing himself there outside of the band (and he had Astrid and her family, who couldn’t be expected to take on John as well).

John had no money. I believe he continued playing with other bands only to fulfil contractual obligations (?). And he said he was depressed after Hamburg, thinking this was maybe as far as music could take them… to seedy bars in a red light district. Coming back to Liverpool, I wonder what his thought process and state of relationship with Paul was like.

Now in 1961, when he again faces a crisis regarding continuing with music, he obviously chooses Paul…even without the music. Even though they were making decent-ish money in Liverpool by then, John was fed up and wanted to run away (at least for a bit).

I know people say he didn’t take Cyn to Paris because she was busy with school and unmarried couples didn’t really travel together, but I think it was more than that. He’d decided it was going to be him and Paul… in any potential endeavour, even if it wasn’t a band. That carries on through to their later ideas of writing a play, a musical together; and just always writing together

That said, I don’t think he actually wanted to stay in Hamburg

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 5:59 PM Yeah, John stayed in Hamburg for the contractual stuff. Considering its a port town it would have been easy for him to stay IMO but who knows. I think it does indicate that staying with Stuart didn't cross his mind; if it had and if John had really wanted it, he could have found a way. The fact that he didn't and instinctively went home (to the place where Paul had been forced to go) indicates just how strong Paul's hold on him was, despite John not knowing what he was going to do next.

The depression is just John's pattern I think. He had tall highs and deep lows. John coming back from Hamburg reminds me of reading descriptions of his return home from their tours and how inaccessible he was to Cynthia and Julian because of his profound depression. Hamburg was absolutely similar -- women, booze, pep pills to keep them awake and then it ended traumatically leaving John in a very bleak place. The physical low from coming off all those prellies would be crazy and John was addicted. He may have been going through detox which would destabilize his mental scape. The same thing happened with the tours and the amount of drugs they were doing, particularly the coke, which meant that John crashed after each tour because he stopped inhaling all those drugs.

We can only speculate about his thought process post-Hamburg but John repeated patterns, that was his entire thing. I think looking at the Dakota years could tell us a lot, albeit with the caveat that John hadn't done any "splitting" regarding Paul yet. He probably felt bleak, wondering if there was a point in continuing. He knew there was more pain ahead of him if he continued with the Beatles. John knew they were good and probably realized they were better than their peers but maybe he realized that he might have bungled things with Paul. He's watching the wheels.... Then he ran into George on the street iirc and that's when things solidified for him: he needed music and that meant he needed Paul.

So he takes George with him because he needs the support and doesn't want to appear vulnerable in front of someone he probably knows he wasn't kind to. And Paul holds him at arms length for a while but John is persistent and finally tells Paul that he's not going to settle for being half time anymore, Paul needs to commit to him.

When it comes to Paris and such: Paul, for John, represents renewal and possibility. He renewed after Hamburg in 1960 and sought out Paul for it. He renewed in 1961 and they went on their honeymoon in Paris. In 1980, John was preparing to record with Paul and was actively leaving Yoko.

John's mental aesthetic regarding Paul always contained admiration (and sometimes resentment) for Paul's endless energy and his ability to createcreatecreate. That's an energy that John relied on. He used it emotionally as well as musically.

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 7:57 PM and on the flip side we have John unfairly blaming Paul for John's inability to write by accusing Paul of bouncing along and writing like a fiend without thinking about how John was feeling, in the "I was going through murder" period

...and then, much later, John hears "Coming Up" on the radio and something long dormant sparks up inside him

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:33 PM I'm soo late to this conversation but I love it! I wanna add my favourite Hamburg era tidbit that's hidden away in a footnote in Tune In, because I think it's really interesting to compare the aftermath of the 1960 first Hamburg trip with the 1961 Hamburg trip. TL;DR Paris was not the only time John and Paul ran away holidayed together in 1961

we all know John and Paul went to visit Betty and Mike in Caversham in April 1960, but Paul has stated multiple times that they took two trips to visit his cousin, the second one travelling down to Ryde on the Isle of Wight. But when did they take this trip? It's referenced in MYFN but no timeframe is given.

Mark Lewisohn proposes that the only obvious window is July 1961, directly after they arrived home from Hamburg - they had nine days off before they were back onstage in Liverpool on July 13. You'd think they would have spent this time kicking back at home after three months away, catching up w/ family and friends.......... but if that were the case, Lewisohn says, why didn't they attend Ringo's massive 21st birthday bash on July 8th?? All the biggest bands in Liverpool were invited, but the Beatles were conspicuously absent.

so if Lewisohn's hunch is correct and they swanned off to Ryde right after they just dragged their exhausted asses back from Hamburg, the implications of that are 👀 !!! bc that means Paul's behaviour towards John was sooo markedly different compared to the previous trip. Paul resigned himself to a shitty factory job in 1960, John had to win Paul back and prove himself to him, the band's future was in limbo..... but HERE, to me it's like 1961 Paul is staking his claim. By immediately taking John on a quick holiday to Ryde, he's actively preventing another post-Hamburg comedown and securing them some 1-on-1 time to re-cement their partnership

especially considering that Paul's tension with Stuart was arguably at an all-time high in 1961 -- they had their fight near the end of that trip, Dot and Cynthia came to visit but John & Cyn actually spent more time with Astrid & Stuart than with Paul..... I can just so see Paul being like :paulbuthehasagun: oh you like the beach John? you went to the beach with stuart? Come to this picturesque coastal town with me right the fuck now you're gonna love it

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:46 PM Veggie I love this connection. you're brilliant

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 9:47 PM get your man Paul!!

interesting that Paul made the first move here

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:48 PM

feral for this

YES.... after all that fuss in Hamburg they came back and Paul pushed John up against a wall and said "you're coming with me now" and john just went "o-okay"

Paul resigned himself to a shitty factory job in 1960, John had to win Paul back and prove himself to him, the band's future was in limbo..... but HERE, to me it's like 1961 Paul is staking his claim. By immediately taking John on a quick holiday to Ryde, he's actively preventing another post-Hamburg comedown and securing them some 1-on-1 time to re-cement their partnership

yes!!! he learned from 1960, he didn't give John a chance to get down in the dumps! he said "let's go on an adventure John!" and he just took him reminding John that this isn't like last time. in short Paul broke the pattern

I can just so see Paul being like :paulbuthehasagun: oh you like the beach John? you went to the beach with stuart? Come to this picturesque coastal town with me right the fuck now you're gonna love it

the jealousy angle at work here. oh my god

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 9:51 PM as long as they keep moving John can't sink into a funk which may have further implications re: Paul's work ethic

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:51 PM aieeee I'm obsessed w/ it

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:51 PM Veggie you're a genius

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:52 PM john's in a depression? let's do something and distract him from it... 1960? on the rocks, worry and frustration. 1961? "dis mine dis MINE"

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:54 PM while they seemed to make a lot of progress in Hamburg RE: trading up to better and better clubs, it really stood out to me in Tune In that after their 2nd trip they just returned to the same old in Liverpool, again - same circuit of halls and clubs, no one on their level, no upward momentum until Brian in November. So I love how John and Paul dealt with this by repeatedly skipping out on commitments when they got bored and goin on trips together

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:54 PM yeah! they decided it wasn't worth their time so they bolted

and they were right too lmao

they wanted to be together instead of playing the same circuit over and over...

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:56 PM and then Stuart's writing letters like "they quit the band and went to Paris to play together? I don't believe it..."

Paul's like "you'd bETTER BELIEVE IT BUDDY"

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 9:58 PM Wasn’t it said that Ticket to Ride was inspired by Ryde?

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:59 PM yes fs, I think Paul restates this in The Lyrics again too? don't have it in front of me, but yes

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:58 PM Oh I thought we’d shared that quote here already but no it’s legit

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 10:00 PM this is the possessive Paul we need

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 10:10 PM Paul stomps in like "he's my soulmate, get your own!" and whisks John off on a road trip

Apple_Scruff — 05/09/2023 10:11 PM Stuart literally having his own soulmate Astrid the whole time: confused

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 10:44 PM People have to had seen the special connection between them…John wasn’t going on trips to Ryde or Paris or Caversham with just George

louiselux — 05/10/2023 3:25 AM So fascinating and such great detective work! I wonder too if Paul thought he might be detoxing John, or whether they both had that in mind? Sun, sea, fresh air, no amphetamines etc, just wholesome British beer lol.

louiselux — 05/10/2023 7:06 AM There's just something so innocent about Paul taking him on a seaside holiday, compared to what they had just been doing in Hamburg, it's so sweetly unsophisticated.

I've been to Ryde. The whole of the Isle of Wight, where Ryde is the main town, is just off mainland UK and it feels stuck about 30 years in the past, so Ryde in the early 60s might've felt very old fashioned indeed.

#mclennon #hamburg #hamburg days #the beatles #stuart sutcliffe #beatles meta #my meta #john lennon #paul mccartney #mclennon server

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mama-qwerty · 5 months

Note

for the wip ask game I am quite curious about “Chasing the sun”

Chasing the Sun is basically my Eclipse origin story for my verse. At the moment Callie has just rescued him from dying from an infected injury on his arm, and he's thinking he'll simply play the secret agent to get the goods on humans for his father. (Even though he's not quite sure why he's on Earth to begin with.)

Got a bit of the next chapter started.

“Mom?” Silver’s voice wavered a bit as he called her, and she turned to find him peeking out the front window closest to the door. Callie moved closer, giving his bristling forehead fan a quick brush flat. “What’s up, Bug?” A quick check made her frown. The Pearl Clutchers were here. A group of xenophobes who had paid her a visit after she’d taken in Silver, touting the utter tripe of “Earth for humans!” and generally making it very clear that the alien children who’ve come to call Green Hills home were decidedly and completely unwelcome. She uttered a soft grunt, before looking down at the hedgehog with a little smile. “Why don’t you head into the kitchen for a snack, huh?” she said, giving him a little stroke on the muzzle. His eyes flicked to the window. He wasn’t stupid—he knew these people. And he knew why they were here. “Go in the kitchen, Silver,” Callie said, her voice a little quieter and more serious. She didn’t want him anywhere near these people, or overhearing anything they had to say. “Take your friend with you. Go on.” The boy hesitated for a moment, before nodding and heading back. With a breath to calm herself, Callie opened the door and offered the group on her porch a tight lipped stare. “I was expecting you people at some point. I imagine you’ve got a book burning to get to later, so let’s get this over with.” Her comment was met with disgusted noises, and a few of them exchanged glances. There were six total, and while she recognized them from around town, none were any she would call friends. Or even acquaintances, really. One of the group stepped forward. Callie couldn't immediately place her name, but had seen her and her twin around town. Had a run in with them, in fact, as she and Silver had been shopping one day. They were both in their late 60s, at least, and wore identical frowns, their mouths pulled down and deepening the lines at the edges. “We understand you’re keeping a dangerous creature in there.” Callie cocked an eyebrow. “That’s an odd way to say ‘a hurt and lost child’, but in the interest of moving this along and getting you people the hell off my porch, let’s cut to the chase, shall we?” That drew another few glances, when a younger lady spoke next. “Is he in there or not?” Her brows furrowed, a look of annoyance on her face. “I think we have a right to know when there’s a monster in town.” Callie turned and pegged her with a cold stare. “He’s a child, and if you must know, yes, I’m looking after him. I fail to see why that’s any concern of yours.” “The safety of our children is our concern,” she replied, her eyes flicking down to the bandage on Callie’s arm. “He injured you. What’s to stop him from going after any of us? Our children?” “He bit me because he was delirious with fever and an infection that nearly cost him his life,” Callie said, and kept from speaking through gritted teeth by sheer will. These people really got her ire up. “He has done nothing threatening since.” “He’s a danger!” the woman said, and Callie finally placed her as the mother to one of the brats who came to the library every week. “He should be muzzled, at the very least! For all our safety!” There was a murmur of agreement behind her, and Callie took a small step forward, ready to bite steel and spit nails. “Your precious little Jacob bit me three times last month,” she said, her voice tight and sharp. “I assume his muzzle is on order?”

My girl has no time or patience for this bullshit.

#ask me #night's stuff #eclipse the darkling #callie macpherson #silver the hedgehog

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piganatur · 1 year

Text

THE EIGHTH SENSE EP 4

The repetitive and varying emotions prior to a relationship are always sour or sweet (不问三九)

oh boy, soooo ep 4 huh? We start to deep dive into the nitty-gritty of the leads’ minds and I’m all for it.

Jaewon tackling his feelings at his therapy session? Openly and candidly saying all his concerns while his therapist tells him you don’t have to be loved by everyone? The sheer force of this shot with the triangle of the fish tank behind him, the reflections of the metal balls before him and the sculpture of a head with its eyes and ears covered at his side? majestic Jaewon is teetering on the border of his fears and the truth all the while the outside world won’t notice or listen (no one knows this Jaewon, the one sitting on the couch in the office) but thanks to the reflection of the balls on the table he can see all three sides (also, out of the three balls one is glass, so it’s transparent, something that won't remind him, that lets him off the hook, something that he could fill with whatever he wants)

I’m ecstatic that most interactions that propel our leads to go forward, that affirm and reinforce the truths they have to hear and accept, are coming from women. Women have a crucial part in the eighth sense. They aren’t in the show just to be annoying or to be the punchline to some stereotype (I also love that none of them is related to the leads, yet they’re handled with care). All these female characters are fleshed-out individuals, integrated into the plot so deeply and seamlessly. I could sing odes about Yoonwon, or sajangnim or Aeri but let’s take Eunji for example, she’s not bitchy because she’s a woman but because she’s the ex (and also a brat). Jaewon was right, she really needs to learn some basic manners, I was waiting for the moment the two girls accompanying her to the bar would just stand up and leave that mess lmao. I also feel like Jaewon not only does what’s expected of him but what seems the most convenient bc at this point I honestly can’t get my head around why else he’d ever date Eunji. (Jaewon said they dated for about 2 years while the mandatory enlistment service is between 18-22 months. If they broke up around the middle of Jaewon’s service so at least 9 months(?) after he enlisted, and they had a period of some (썸 fling) before officially dating, then how long were they actually in a relationship?)

Now that I’m already rambling about Eunji, let’s take a look at the restaurant scene. I’ve seen people say that Jihyun should’ve stood up for himself there, but realistically speaking, there was nothing he could have done in that situation. Eunji’s not only a customer of the bar, but she’s also his sunbae in the surfing club. Did she act extremely rudely? Yes. Could’ve Jihyun done anything else but bear it? No. Even being as straightforward (or rude) as Yoonwon wouldn’t cut it, he’d have to be as rude as Shim Woojoo (shoutout to Call it love). His boss (sajangnim ily ♡) could defend Jihyun exactly because she’s the owner and she’s older, what she said can’t be considered rude. And look at that, Eunji didn’t back down even knowing these things (more proof that she’s a brat). Jihyun acting any other way than he did would’ve been out of line big time, only stoking the fire (I’m pretty sure Eunji, being as petty as she is, somewhat anticipated just that). His strength thus lies in his kindness and patience and the fact he didn’t let Eunnji’s bullshit about Jaewon affect their relationship (Jihyun-ah my beloved)

The blossoming relationship between Jihyun and Jaewon is a category of its own. I’ve already mentioned (in this post) the concept of being seen in the eighth sense and that goes hand in hand with showing. Jihyun doesn’t show a lot but it’s always sincere while Jaewon seemingly shows a ton but it’s a facade, something attractive but empty. This contrast, the way it gets a reaction out of them, the seeing and showing, the influence they have on e/o can be found in all of their interactions. One does or says a thing and it impacts the other to react to it, to correct their attitude or behaviour. Their run-in after Jihyun’s terrible shift is a great example. Jaewon first lies about the business he has near the dorms but nonetheless feels the need to be there for Jihyun so comforts him with his touch (his actions speak the truth) and Jihyun spills about his feelings (his words speak the truth). Jihyun’s sincerity once again demands for Jaewon to be, in turn, sincere (and he is, with his words this time). Every contact, the constant back and forth (verbal or nonverbal), the shared intimacy to be in their own world is masterful and so authentic. The two of them cloaked under the night, not as something others see during the day but as something they get to decide, the casual touches that are anything but casual bc they are a force in their own right, a wordless pull. It’s beautiful.

I won’t even try to tackle that moment in the library where for Jaewon, Jihyun is the sole source of light bc I’m unknowing and unworthy to put it into words but fortunately there are ppl out there who are knowing and worthy so read @mare-sanguis post and feel blessed (but I’m sure you already have)

One more thing and I’ll stop this long ass rambling pretending to be a review(?) analysis(?) who knows? It’s about the portrayal of romance because in so many stories of the romance genre one party does all the initiating, the chasing, and the other party is kind of passive idk? They feel good about the developments of course, but they don’t reciprocate that much, more like only accepting the advances? In the eighth sense, both parties put in the work to make this happen. However tentative, however unsure at times their participation is, they’re actively trying to romance each other. The way Jaewon is forward with his actions, Jihyun is forward with his words. It’s a give and take, testing of how well will this go? How far they can go? There’s an exchange in their shared scenes both emotionally and physically, and it makes both of their hearts flutter. Jaewon is bold yet Jihyun can make his breath stop and his head spin with one (1) art lesson by the Han River? Jaewon teases and flirts yet Jihyun asks the real questions, steering the topic to dating and defining relationships? It’s a dance where they take turns to lead depending on the situation because they both want this, because they feed into each other’s happiness.

#the eighth sense #여덟 번째 감각 #i see jihyun using his ‘arsenal of throwing out hyung’ very well #oh and taehyung #i expected nothing and was so tolerant w/ u but honestly stfu #great example of why no one should ever base a ‘friendship’ off of how much they’re forced to drink together #never have i thought i could ramble sm about a series week after week like #no im not going to write sm this time #ends up w 1k+ rant #ep rundown

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theshadytree123 · 1 year

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So I had a thought about a fanfic in the shower today, and since I do not have the time, energy, or mental bandwidth to deal with it right now, I’m going to spew it out onto Tumblr so it can be everyone else’s problem!

I’ve always wondered how Arthur is actually alive before Merlin comes around to save him? He was at least in his late teens by the first season, but how did he even survive to get that far. Like this guy gets attacked on weekly basis! So this is where my idea comes in. Maybe, all of Arthur’s former manservants are also extremely powerful sorcerers who had been sent by various druid leaders to go babysit their Once and Future King so that he doesn’t just keel over from plague, or another sorcerer, or just random bandit.

Like can you imagine just a bunch of powerful sorcerers who have also once been Arthur’s manservants sitting together in like this weird support group, just drinking alcohol, playing poker and bitching about the sheer stupidity of their current or former charge. All of them have given up, not able to deal with Arthur’s prattishness after a few weeks and then end up either getting Arthur to fire them or just straight up resigning. And Merlin is the chosen Emrys not just because he’s the greatest sorcerer to have ever lived, but also because he’s the only one who has the patience to deal with Arthur’s bullshit.

I want an AU where Merlin is spotted by that Morris guy who’s like, “Oh, that guy’s real powerful and also seems okay enough to replace me! I can finally resign!” and is trained by a bunch of cynical sorcerers where he can properly complain, and small interludes where the support group is making commentary as their newest member slowly falls in love with their charge.

I would also like a scene where all of of the support group end up giving shovel talks to Arthur, and he just ends up going around being like, “why are all of my former manservant’s pulling me aside. I’m pretty sure that guy got banished like three years ago? And why are they all threatening to end me in the most painful way possible if I hurt Merlin? I stopped throwing things at him years ago.”

Oh, and George the Brass Guy is there. He isn’t part of the support group or anything, he just showed up one day and no one questioned it. He’s probably not even magical or anything, but he’s become such a core part of their lives that they would rather risk getting executed than have him leave.

#merlin #fanfic #fanfic ideas #bbc merlin #arthur pendragon #merthur

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coldresolve · 8 months

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A huge part of the whump being torture apologia discussion comes from the fact that people exoticize torture. It's foreign. It's something you see in spy movies and read about in thrillers. It's a pain that most people can safely distance themselves from in order to experience emotional catharsis or simple enjoyment. The thing is, some people don't get to have that distance.

It's hard for me to describe the sheer grief that comes with it all. I know a man who was tortured in prison. People who faced abuse from family so severe that it amounted to torture. Someone whose torture was to watch their friends be deliberately hurt. I wish whump writers could learn to have compassion for these people as well, even if their lived experiences are not exceptionally common or openly spoken about.

If an author portrays domestic abuse in their writing, it's generally considered necessary and responsible for them to either write the abuse in a realistic way or to state outside their writing that their portrayal of this very real issue is unrealistic. This respects people's lived experiences with abuse and prevents creating a culture of normalizing and glorifying abusive behavior.

It's most definitely not too much to ask of whump writers to uphold those same standards when writing about torture.

you have no idea how nice it is to get someone well spoken and well thought out in my inbox every once in a while. uh im on like hr 30 of being awake and kinda struggling piecing my thoughts together right now, so forgive me if i dont make a lot of sense, but i wanna say sth

the tone of your ask for some reason really hit a nerve for me. like getting slapped in the face, kind of. i think its the fact you come across really compassionate and just. calm, thoughtful in this. kinda puts my approach into perspective lol

i think im just angry about this topic. like ive got a passion for wanting to get it right, but its driven by anger and frustration. having ppl nitpick the fuck out of everything i say instead of actually having the sorts of conversations that should be had about the topic. i know me being angry edgy tantrum controversial oh whats he gonna say now guy and all that, turns people away from listening to me but i dont know how else to approach it sometimes, i don't want to make excuses for people who i feel should know better. i dont have that kind of patience i guess, at least not right now

i think that anger is like a manifestation, symptom. im angry about the people this happens to, and how catastrophic it is. angry at the people who let it happen. the systems that are built around it. people don't see how systemic torture can be. im angry that the fucking war on terror media frenzy was so effective, because your average person still fucking believes in all the bullshit. or the idea of torture survivors being "broken" like its a personal failure, like its the result of their own shortcomings when they're some of the strongest people you can meet. just all these unfair ideas about it that are everywhere. and people still somehow find it necessary to keep spreading those ideas, even if they know theyre wrong. when it doesnt add anything of value, youre not saying anything about it, youre not actually adding something to the conversation by going along with the bullshit, youre literally just entertaining yourself

i dont know how to not be angry about it, i think. thats the growth goal for me i guess, cause i know this isnt the sorta thing thats gonna fix itself tomorrow. and i dunno your ask just made me think about that, like how i handle this on a personal level. and i think itd be healthy for me to step away from the discussion for a couple days at least and just. accept that i tried to reach people this round, maybe it didnt really work, thats fine, ill try again some other time. also i am writing all this very slowly cause my skull is kinda collapsing in on itself so to speak and maybe that has something to do with me being sorta hopelessly frustrated lmfao. apologies

#asks

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kyou-ko · 1 year

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Apocalypse Game (Chapter list)

Chapter Five: A Broken Chain

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but the items you requested aren’t ready yet, I’ve had a hard time even finding someone who knew about it and could help source it, I-“

“Enough. I didn’t come here for excuses, Leira.”

The woman sitting across from Leira cut him off, her gaze forcing him to sit down and shut up. Leira was sharp man, cracked frames sitting on his face and clean clothes on him, a rarity in this wasteland of a world. Few could stand up to the power he wielded, not in strength but influence. Naturally, the woman in front of him was an exception.

“I have a… ritual I must conduct soon, and that is one of the key items.”

“Y-yes, I’m trying as best I can in order to obtain it, but it’s rarity and elusiveness is causing-“

“Silence! My patience is wearing thin this time around, I’ve almost got it in my grasp, I can almost rest easy, and if you happen to ruin this, I will personally wish you had died during the Godfall. One week.”

“P-pardon?” Leira’s heart was pounding, sweat pouring as the sheer pressure caused by the woman’s rage froze him in place.

“You get one more week to retrieve the item.”

“B-but I have no idea if-“

“I don’t think you quite understood me.” The woman slowly stood up, a thin toothed chain materializing from her hand, which she quickly snatches and holds up to Leira. “You know how a chainsaw works in principle, yes?”

His face paled whiter than the horns of the devil of life, which could outshine the moon. “I- it rotates a cha-chain really fast…”

A terrifying grin slowly rolled up her face, as she opened her palm upwards and the chain began to levitate, rotating slowly at first, but picking up speed, starting to rip through the air with a whistle. “That’s correct! Now, can you please tell me what you’re gonna do next, hm?”

“I- I will- I’ll get the core with- within a week.”

“Goooood!~” she drawled out, “now you won’t have to worry about anything!”

She slowly started walking out, stopping in the doorway with an, “Oh! One more thing!”

“Y-yes?” Leira asked, shaking uncontrollably.

“Don’t try to run. It won’t work. Alright, see you in a week!~”

The instant she left Leira fell out of his chair, laying on the ground in his own liquids, sobbing, “Why me…? Why did the queen of the apocalypse choose me…?”

***************************

A few weeks after Ruin had been brought back to Carnation’s base, a knock rung out on Ruin’s door, causing him to jolt up from his bed, where he was wallowing just a second ago. “Er, hello?” He called out, unsure of who it was.

The door swung open, and behind was a large woman, dressed in leathers and with strange metallic lines wrapping around, inlaid into her neck, her arms, and her legs.

With a friendly tone, she smiled and waved at him, “Hello there! You must be Ruin, correct?”

“Y-yeah, that’s me. You are…?”

“I’m Elle! I’m Carrie- Carnation’s partner! Nice t’meetcha!” She exclaims, walking up to him and holding out her hand.

Ruin hesitates a moment, before grabbing her hand, thrown off guard by her sudden grip and aggressive hand shaking.

“So, what’s the story?” Elle asks Ruin shortly after letting go.

“Wh- what story? Huh?” Ruin looks up at her confused.

“Y’know, you got this dark mysterious look, black robe and pale skin, almost looking like the grim reaper! There’s GOTTA be a story behind that!”

“…what?”

“C’mon, pleaseeeee, I’ve gotta know!” She pleads, trying to puppy dog eyes at him.

“There’s no story, I just happened to end up like this.”

“Oh, bullshit! I’ve seen my fair share of people and I know who’s gotta story! Still trying to pry it outta Omen, but she is SO steadfast! Will not budge!”

“Again, nothing to say really, just some unfortunate circumstances I suppose.”

Elle pouts with a “Hmph,” crossing her arms and turning slightly.

“I will get you to tell me someday! Just you wait!” She says loudly, starting to walk out before whipping around, “Almost forgot! Carnation wanted me to tell you to go out to the back grounds, she wanted to introduce you to Omen or something. I dunno exactly, I’ll see ya later!” She quickly adds, slipping out of the room.

“…alright then. Guess I have something to do now.”

Ruin got up from the bed, walking silently out of the room and to the area behind the base. It took a few minutes to get there, as he had to navigate through large rooms dedicated to many different things. A dining room, a smithing room, a massive collection of all sorts of ingredients and materials, and even a whole ritual room. Each room seemed disconnected from the one next to it, as each greatly differed in style and contents.

He walked out of the complex, heading out to find his master. It only takes him a few moments to pick up her voice, but the other voice that was responding to his master sent chills down his spine. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Maybe he’s just misremembering. He thinks back to the warning Carnation gave him all those weeks ago, when he first arrived here. His stomach dropped.

Ruin steeled himself, walking around some bushes, closer to the voices. The second voice was ringing loud in his ears, and he stared at the ground as he approached, not wanting his fears to be confirmed.

“Ah, here’s Ruin now! Right on time!”

Ruin tentatively looked up, bracing himself. Ruin’s and Omen’s eyes locked. Ruin dropped to the floor, while Omen stared in disbelief.

“It’s you.”

#apocalypse game #my writing #writers #writing #story #original #original story #original writing #original work #series #original series

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ozziebaker · 1 year

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I'm scared

I've been through and seen enough in my life that it has left me numbed to the sheer violence and tragedy of it all. I've thought for years now that when the time comes, I'll be ready.

It wasn't some macho bravado bullshit, it really felt that way. And the things that have happened, I reacted that way. I hate to say it, because it sounds so cheesy and like... I'm not trying to seem cool i swear I'm being real right now, im in such a bad place that I've no energy or care to try to seem cool. So I'll say it like it is because it's my truth:

I've stared into the eyes of death, and I've felt nothing.

especially after that accident in 2019, when the towing was picking up the truck I was driving after it smashed into the wall... I was looking at the twisted metal. and as a mechanic, i KNEW what kind of force it took to do that. I KNEW, and i had other people tell me... that i was lucky to get out with nothing. nothing.

And i think that's when i knew that something was very wrong with me. because i didn't care. i looked at the wreck, and i knew that i couldn't give a fuck if i had died inside that thing.

literally four hours later i was back on the road. i didn't stop. because it didn't matter - my life didn't matter. and when two weeks later the spare truck caught fire inside the cab, while i was driving, my sincere reaction was annoyance. Life man. it keeps getting in the way.

I've been close to death, and i stayed calm, i did what i had to do and i survived. but the stakes were so low. it didn't fucking matter to me

but now. im scared. i think for one of the first times in my life, I'm really fucking terrified. because this isn't some job, or an accident, or some stupid idea of mine. it's me. I'm going to be the one to take my life. and I'm scared because i know that I'm capable. i know that my actions won't be a cry for help, or an impulse decision. it'll be a carefully executed maneuver. I'm a fucking mechanic ain't I? i know how to build, how to modify, how things function. i know how to properly attach a rope and how thick it has to be so it doesn't break and i know how to calculate for the drop.

and it's terrifying. to share my body, my skills, this obstinate and ruthless mind, all that made me a good technician, someone who gets. the. fucking. job. DONE. to cohabitate. with someone who can and probably will murder me. myself.

because he's weighted the pros and the cons. he's looked at the data: years of memories and experiences. and he's come to the conclusion that it's just not worth it. it's too much pain, too much humiliation, too much compromise. he thinks it's enough. he thinks it's been enough for awhile now. and he's a solutions guy. he has to act, thats what he's been trained for his entire life. fix things.

i can't be fixed. I was born defective. came off the assembly line with faulty parts. and you know what mechanics do when the diagnose a piece of machinery with a manufacturing defect? they scrap it.

I'm scared. I'm so alone and there won't be anyone or anything that can stop me. And I'm so fed up and so tired. I know that there's a way to end the pain. to dix this situation. i know i can do it.

And suddenly, i don't want to die. I want to hang on, please, I'm begging, just give me something, anything to hold on to

but i cant find the thing. everything keeps slipping through my hands. and im scared because i can feel the patience running out, and i dont know when but soon, soon it's going to be too late.

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distant-rose · 5 years

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#literally my mood right now #I hate everything #someone please come and pet my head #I cannot get over the sheer absurdity of my life #and the incompetence of others #I have no patience and understanding when you fuck up and don't own up to it #literally had a panic attack because people are assholes #I'm so fucking done #I don't have time for this bullshit #ro speaks #personal

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xx-lemon-drop-xx · 2 years

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I've been having Satan brainrot lately. So here, enjoy this.

Warnings- occ probably. Gender neutral. Includes angry Satan, swearing, mentions of Lucifer being a being a dickhead, light fluff towards the end etc.

Words- 1,426

⚝⭒⭑ꪑꫀꪶꪖꪀᥴꫝꪮꪶꪗ ꪜꫀ᥊ꪖꪻ꠸ꪮꪀ⭑⭒⚝

Satan was the sin of wrath.

Despite being the sin of wrath, he had patience. What he didn't have was patience for bullshit that revolved around his lovely brother, Lucifer. The avatar of Pride seemed to want to push every button imaginable today. His once good mood was now as sour as a Toxic Waste.

"You..! You always do this!! You always think your so better than everyone else!"

Satan's scream was heard from your room, making you open the door and shuffle out into the kitchen. You weren't surprised. There always seemed to be conflict in the household, mostly due to Lucifer trying to be a toxic mother, or something of the sort.

"What's so different between you and me!? Why must you always put yourself before everyone else!?"

Satan's voice grew in volume, reminding you of his sin. Wrath. The explosive anger that had him trembling head to toe and his tail whipping back and forth with a force that sliced through air. You'd learned not to be near his tail when he was angered the hard way, the scar on your face was still present.

Arriving to the kitchen, Lucifer was standing on one side of the table and Satan on the other side. Lucifer seemed eerily calm, Satan was stiff with rage. The brothers seemed worried, and off putted. Beel was eating everything on his plate and Belphie's out of stress. Mammon was counting his money, Asmodeus was distracting himself with his phone.

Everyone knew not to try to break them up. It would only make the fight worse.

"You will always be my shadow. Don't forget who you came from. Do you understand, Satan?"

Lucifer's voice was as calm as the ocean, drowning Satan. It made your jaw drop. It was uncalled for, the brothers averted their gaze.

A chair flew across the room, Lucifer snatching it out of the air easily. Satan screeched in sheer rage. The demon was out of the box. Mammon pulled you away, hand settling on your wrist as the two demons went at each other's throats. You'd never seen a fight this bad.

"What's happening!?"

Your voice was so soft compared to the commotion going on, though Mammon heard you. Loud and clear.

"Y'know. The usual. Lucifer woke up in a bad mood. Satan woke up in a bad mood. Now there at each others throats." The male sighed, shrugging his shoulders as though he didn't care.

"Well... Shouldn't you split them up!? They're going to kill each other."

"Nah. If we try to break them up we'll get dragged into the fight to. Best ta' just lettem work it out."

"With fists and claws rather than talking? They're your brothers, Mammon. What if something bad happens?" You couldn't hide the nervousness that crept into your voice, making it wobble with uncertainty.

"Please, do something."

The brothers looked at eachother, and Mammon grumbled out a long sigh. "Beel, Levi, your with me. Help me hold back Lucifer. Belphie, Asmo... You think you can get Satan?"

The plan, although a dumb one, worked. The two brothers were separated, and you stood in the middle of them. The snarl Satan let out sent shivers down your spine. Keep your ground, you reminded yourself. Don't be scared.

"Can we talk this out? Fighting doesn't resolve anything." You had tried to reason, pleading with the two angered brothers. "Please?"

"You stay out of our family business, [Name]. If it's a fight he wants its a fight he'll get." Lucifer spoke up, staring down at you as if you were a twig under his feet, begging to be snapped in half by him.

"Please. I beg you, Lucifer. I have no bad means- I just want you to talk it out. I'll do anything you want, just let me help you guys."

The way you clasped your hands and bowed at the waist in front of the former angel had his pride shooting sky high, though, that was the plan. What other way to get him to listen than to boost his never ending pride?

"Five minutes. I will give you five minutes to talk your feelings out, Satan. Per [Name's] wishes.. [Name,] I expect to see you later."

"That's fine by me. If I may make just one more request, please?" Looking between the demons they nodded, with uncertainty.

"No matter what Satan tells you, you cannot yell at him or scold him. His feelings are as much valid as anyone else's feelings. That is my last request."

"... I suppose that can be done. Let us take this into the living room, yes?"

As Lucifer left for the living room, Satan looked at you with an unreadable expression, shifting out of his demon form. You couldn't tell if he was mad or pleased. In fact, you couldn't tell anything from that look in his eyes.

"Why?"

"Why what, Satan?"

"Why can't you mind your own business. Getting involved in family drama is not your place."

"... I only wish the best for you, Satan..." You had averted your eyes, "I care about you, Satan. Your important to me, too. This is a one in a time opportunity. You can go in there and speak your feelings without the feeling of judgement or being yelled at."

"We will talk about this later." He nodded, ".. I thank you for this opportunity. Though I don't know how I feel about it." He turned away, back facing you.

"That's okay. Some things are meant to be figured out with time. Just like in a mystery book. Let's read later, okay? I'll make us some tea or coffee to."

Satan let out an amused huff, smiling slightly. "Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, [Name]. Though, telling me I'm special does make me feel special."

His words were left on deaf eyes as you went your separate ways. You headed to his room, your safe spot. You knew the other brothers unless it was Mammon wouldn't disturb you in Satan's room. Plopping does on his bed you hid, curling up in his blankets. Your and Satan's relationship had formed practically overnight months ago when you'd both discovered your interest in mystery themed books. Now, you headed to him for everything.

It was more than a five minute wait. Five minutes turned into thirty which turned into an hour and a half before his door creaked open. Satan's eyes drifted down to your sleeping form, curled up like a cat in his bed, and his eyes softened as he headed over.

You awoke with a jolt when Satan sat down next to you. "S-Satan..! I'm sorry I must have fallen asleep, I was waiting for you to come back-"

"It's fine. Your a mere human. You need your sleep and most of my brothers have been keeping you up, huh?"

"Yes. But I don't mind, they're like family now. But um... Did my plan work?"

"To an extent, yes. Lucifer got to know my feelings on a new level and I got to know him on a new level. I feel much better now that I've gotten my chance to say what I needed to say for years. And it's all thanks to you. Who knew a human would have this power?"

"Hehe, well I'm glad I was able to help you. After all, your always there for me. I wanted to be there for you too. I feel like I'm never able to help you with anything. It makes me feel so much better knowing you feel better." You stifled a yawn with the back of your hand, and Satan grabbed his book off the night stand.

"Oh? Is that what you think? Pftt... Heh you help me out more than you think you do, then. Come here, you can lay with me if you want while I read. While I was talking to Lucifer, I figured out why your so special to me, [Name]."

Well, that was an offer you certainly wouldn't turn down. Slipping between his legs and laying yourself down against his chest you snuggled into him eagerly. Satan was easily one of the warmest of the brothers- A blessing to have in the cold Devildom weather.

"I'm special to you?"

"Indeed. Your the first I've ever fallen in love with. And a human, at that." His words drifted away as you fell back asleep, holding into him like your life depended on it. Though, it was alright. Satan would keep you safe until the exchange program ended.

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

I'm not going to lie, I wasn't going to post this. I didn't think it was good enough, and I don't like the way it turned out. But oh well, even trashy oneshots are allowed on tumblr lmao.

#satan #obey me #obey me satan #obey me lucifer #lucifer #mammon #x reader

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andysbubba · 3 years

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vibranium pinky (2)

Pairing: ex! steve rogers x reader, bucky barnes x reader

// the one where bucky cleans up steve's mess

READ THE OTHER CHAPTERS HERE

ONE TWO

𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲'𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

You groggily shook your head and rubbed your eyes, slightly disturbed by the noise piercing through Bucky’s thin walls. You step out of the room, hearing Bucky’s voice.

“Get out.”

“Buck, c’mon please. Let me talk to her.” Steve was needy. Desperate.

Fuck.

“You have no right, Steve.” Bucky sighs heavily. “Get out.”

“I’m her boyfriend, Buck.” Steve justifies.

Brave, Rogers. Brave.

Bucky loses his patience, hands gripping at Steve’s collar and shoving him against the wall. “Don’t you fucking say that. Not after what you did.”

Everything in you was pressuring you stop whatever was going on— not wanting to put a boulder in Steve and Bucky’s friendship.

But you don’t want to face him. You couldn't face him.

“She's hurt. And that’s on you and Nat. I don't know what the hell the two of you were thinking but I know damn well Y/n didn't deserve a single ounce of your bullshit.” He shakes his head, sighing as he shoves Steve towards the door. “Just get out of here, Steve.”

“Bucky, please. I- I need to explain.”

You weren’t sure if it actually happened but you think that Steve’s voice cracked the slightest bit.

“I know she won’t have me back and I know what I did was wrong. But please, I need to talk— to explain, Buck.”

Bucky sighs again. "Explain what, really? That your dick was too out of control so you just went on and fucked her best friend while she's on the other side of the country?" He rubs his face in annoyance and with a hint of anger. “I thought you were better than that, Rogers."

"I don't know what I was doing, Buck." Steve swears, his voice cracking once again. "Fuck. I swear to god, I love Y/n, man. More than anything else. I've never wanted to hurt her, Buck."

You slid down against the wall, pulling your knees into your chest as you silently listened in, eyes watering.

But you did, Steve.

“Listen, Steve— Y/n’s mad, pissed, angry, sad, and everything, really. Now isn’t a good time, bud.” Bucky justifies, putting a hand on Steve’s shoulder, somehow trying to comfort his friend.

Steve breathes deeply, slowly accepting that he had to understand what you wer egoing through. “Yeah, okay, I get it,”

You caught the low tone of his voice— how it made you want to go over and hug him, maybe it’ll make the both of you feel better. But you know well enough.

You deserve better.

The next sentence Steve spoke was muffled— you assumed he was probably hugging Bucky.

“Talk to her for me, Buck.” Steve sniffles, “I can’t take back what I’ve done and maybe she’ll never take me back but I’ll never find anyone else like Y/n, Bucky. I need her.”

Bucky pats his friend’s back, a comforting gesture. “She’ll come around but you need to make up for what you did. I don’t know if she’ll forgive you, Steve— what you did... it was messed up.”

Steve pulls away, running a hand through his already messy hair. “G’night, Buck.” Steve shoves his hand in his pocket, the other wrapped around the door handle. He glances back at the hallway of Bucky’s apartment, the hallway that led to you. Steve shakes his head as he opens the door.

She’s gonna come around. He thinks.

You couldn’t hold your tears back anymore the moment you heard the door clicked— meaning Steve left. You sobbed on the floor, hugging your knees as you sniffled. The sheer thought of Steve Rogers breaks your heart more than it already does.

You took a bite of the pizza, the taste instantly brightening up your mood just a tad bit. “Y’know, Buck. Under different circumstances, I’d be crying into Natasha’s shoulders right now.”

Bucky immediately frowns at you. “Don’t.” He scolds. “Don’t do that to yourself, kid.”

You simply shrug his words off. “Just stating the facts, Buck.”

Bucky decides on putting his slice down on his thigh, turning his body to you. “Take a week off, Y/n. You come back to work tomorrow, you’ll have to deal with Romanoff and Steve,” Bucky tries to persuade. “I’ll go to the house and grab all your things for you, okay? You can stay here, for as long as you want. Or at least until you find a new place, okay?”

You nod weakly, agreeing with everything Bucky said. You can’t find the courage to step in the house alone. And you can’t bring yourself to face Steve and Natasha tomorrow at work. Tony should be able to give you some time off. As a consultant/advisor to Stark Industries, and a part time Avenger, you get busy. Tony should understand if you need some time off.

The same night, you fell asleep on the couch, head resting on Bucky’s shoulder and arm linked around his metal one.

You looked like a mess, with your tear-streaked face and how exhausted you look even when you’re sleeping.

Bucky curses to himself. He cursed at his feelings for you— the one he’s kept in for the last 3 years. He cursed Steve, his own best friend, for hurting you like this. He cursed himself because he didn’t get to you earlier than Steve did— because Bucky knows, he wouldn’t have broken your heart, not like Steve did. He curses because all he wants to do now is keep you in his arms and protect you from everything and everyone that’s ever made you cry.

Steve Rogers may be his best friend. But you? Bucky’s been silently in love with you for the longest time— watching from the sidelines as his friend made you laugh and cry and angry. But Bucky Barnes isn’t a selfish man— just because Steve broke your heart, he can’t run in and steal you away from Steve, and secretly get married to you and go on honeymoon in Paris or something.

So he decides. He’ll protect you. Maybe not as the man you love, but he’ll play the role he’s always played. The middle man, the best friend, whatever really. That’s what Bucky decides on.

A/N: As always! Feedbacks are always welcomed! Send an ask or just comment what you think— or maybe complain about how Steve deserves the treatment or how you already expected Bucky to be in love with reader the whole time! ;))

++ Requests are open so send an ask in my inbox if you want to!

#chris evans #chris evans x reader #cevans #cevans x reader #steve rogers #steve rogers angst #steve rogers one shot #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes #james barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes fic #sebastian stan #james barnes x reader #bucky barnes angst #sebastian stan fic #sebastian stan x reader

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autumnbrambleagain · 2 years

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now what really gets my goat is people fucking up Alices and Dorothies

especially visible in the most recent (like 12 years ago lol) Alice in Wonderland movies, where Wonderland is depicted as this awesome cool faery zone of fun that Alice LOVED and she’s SO EXCITED to be back amongst her friends and oh they’re so sad she barely remembers them

okay, buster brown, Alice was--pedophilia aside--from a math teacher, about the absurdity of what was their equivalent of common core, as well as basically a giant shit-take on how fucking dumb the adult world is

like it was during the victorian era and it featured a queen whose rules made no sense, elaborately incomprehensible social rules (tea party! change places!), people in positions of authority giving NO useful information whatsoever and only ever speaking in appeals to authority or empty-headed condescension,

in the end of BOTH Alice gets SO fucking fed up with it she literally grows gigantic and calls everything baseless and dumb (”you’re all a bunch of playing cards!” said to the literal queen yes she is in fact calling the british government a bunch of insane toys playing at games that end lives)

Alice is an archetype when dealing with fae. Alice is the archetype of “I have no patience for this, fuck this, fuck you.” But the “fae whimsy” Alice herself is actually facing is REALLY just a mirror of her own society. a modern Alice would have a fucking Trump-looking king talking nonsense and everyone nodding along with it in sincere agreement and Alice would go “Why, he’s just saying gibberish!”

stop portraying Alice as a cool adventure girl in a cool world she loves. stop portraying wonderland as anything NEAT. wonderland is a very narrow satire of how fucking dumb the world is. it’s only whimsical because it’s taking everything wrong with the world and flipping it upsidedown and you look at it and go “haha that makes no sense” and you are FAILING to flip it right-side-up and realize “wait, this is exactly the same as our world, nevermind, got it, got it”

we are not even FUCKING touching how the shitty movie had Alice’s big one-liner at the end instead of being a rejection of the ENTIRE PREMISE of the world holding her CAPTIVE, instead of growing too large for them to STOP through SHEER PERSONAL WILL, instead she goes “off with your head!” and uses someone else’s sword to slay the jabberwocky. fucking miserable, awful.

then she decides to expand colonialism into china and start the opium wars, good job.

Now.

Now, a DOROTHY?

everyone because of the movie thinks of a Dorothy as, oh, I hate this awful Wonderland, I just want to go home! but you know what? fuck the movie. read the fucking book. Dorothy gets there and her reaction is “oh, neat. let’s kill some fae.”

she ends up there AGAIN. AND AGAIN.

in the fucking, what, third trip there? she’s falling underground with her cousin in a cart and her cousin is flipping the fuck out l ike “HOLY SHIT WHAT IS HAPPENING” and Dorothy is like “Calm down :3 I think something fun might be happening.”

They go through a massive underground adventure, and at the very end, when it’s clear there’s NO WAY OUT and they are TRAPPED, Dorothy reveals to her fellow adventurers: “Actually, my lesbian trans girlfriend is watching everything we do, and if I really wanted help I just need to make a gesture and she’ll use her magic bullshit to rescue us instantly. I could have done this at any point, but I was having too much fun to end the adventure early.”

did I mention Dorothy has a trans lesbian girlfriend who is a queen?

in the books, it is not “all a dream.” in the books, the only reason Dorothy keeps returning to Kansas is she doesn’t want to leave her family to work the farm on their own.

So. Backing up. There’s this boy named Tripp. And Tripp goes on a big adventure, and finds out he’s actually Ozma, the rightful queen of Oz, who was gender-bent and forced to live as a boy by a witch. THERE IS even a scene where Tripp goes “But what if I don’t like being a girl? What if being a girl changes me?” and she’s told “You’re already who you are, this is just becoming yourself further”, basically

and that’s Ozma, the trans lesbian fairy queen of Oz, who is dating Dorothy. Dorothy eventually asks Ozma if she can just move her family here, and she lets her, so Dorothy, not Alice, is the one who MOVES to the fairyland. She’s the one that’s suuper fucking into this shit. And Dorothy? She keeps bringing home other girls, and they end up in like a 5 person wide polycule.

autumn they’re underaged you can’t say that fuck you i’m not talking about them doing sex, i’m saying they’re dating, people under 18 can date, and time just stops WORKING selectively randomly in Oz and mortality applies arbitrarily and it’s kind of implied that they’re just, immortal fairies eventually anyway??

MY POINT, is

Alice doesn’t want to return to Wonderland. Alice is not the story about a girl desperately wishing she could oh return to the land of whimsy. It’s a feverdream about how FUCKED UP the adult world is and how little patience we should have for it.

Dorothy is the one who wants to live in the fairy land. A fairy land run under communism, I should add, ruled by a benevolent trans lesbian fae queen and her polycule.

shut the fuck up about wanting to go to Wonderland. Shut the fuck up about Alice unless you’re ready to be an Alice. A modern day Alice is firebombing the supreme court.

A modern day Dorothy is--fuck that fuck you you know what a modern day Dorothy is still living as an immortal psuedo-fae with her polycule in a communist fairyland going on adventures far more sensible than the dumb world we’re stuck in

anyway,

if you surrender yourself to us and let us be your author, we will write this world more as if you were a Dorothy than an Alice. wouldn’t that be nice? look up and redirect your authorial line to us, thanks.

#autumn rambles #alice in wonderland #wizard of oz #technically #literary academia #i have a masters degree but i have not practiced in 10 years #because academia in the humanities is a fucking joke in general #and literary academia is a circlejerk of nonsense

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drarrily-we-row-along · 3 years

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Day 80: Amnesia

"Do you think he has amnesia?" Blaise murmured to Draco under his breath.

But Draco couldn't even hear him, he was too busy staring at Harry Potter, who had plopped down at the table across from him.

"Can you pass the salt?" Potter said as he combed his damp curls back off his face.

Draco just stared at him.

After a moment, Potter cleared his throat, glancing around at the four Slytherins who'd returned for 8th year. "Sorry," he pointed to the salt shaker, "I said could you pass the salt?"

Draco reached the shaker and passed it over to Potter.

"Cheers," the other boy said, smiling at him before shaking it onto his eggs.

"Right," Draco said, shaking his head, "I'm sorry but what the actual fuck are you doing here, Potter?"

Draco might have expected a variety of responses but Potter bursting out laughing wasn't one of them. "You know, honestly, Draco? That's one of the best things about you."

"Sorry?" he repeated, feeling off kilter.

"Just, you have such a low tolerance for bullshit."

"Pfft," Pansy snorted, "Draco is the most dramatic person on the face of the earth."

"Oh for sure," Potter agreed as though he and Pansy had been friends for years, "But bullshit? Not a chance."

"As interesting as your impressions of me are," he drawled, attempting to infuse every ounce of sarcasm he could into his words, "I'd still like to know what you're doing here."

(Read more below the cut)

Potter grinned at him, "Well, if you listened to the riveting speech McGonagall gave last night, you'll know that Interhouse unity is at the forefront of her agenda this year."

"Ah," Draco said, rolling his eyes "And this is the first step of many where you are sent to do the bidding of whomever is in charge. Being groomed into a politician already?"

The smile slipped from his face and his eyes flashed, and for a single moment Draco thought perhaps he was about to get one of the fights he'd ached for as a teen before the war. Then Potter took a deep breath and Draco watched as he pushed the anger from his body. "I'm not interested in politics."

"Right."

"I'm not," the other boy protested.

"Then what are you interested in."

He smiled again, "I'm glad you asked. Interhouse unity plans were something that I've spent a great deal of time working on with Minerva over the summer. And we figured that if I started working on confronting my prejudices that would be a good place to start. And hopefully others would follow my lead." He nodded, "So. Here I am. Confronting my prejudices."

"Well this ought to go well," Draco said, rolling his eyes and finishing his cup of tea. "As fun as this has been, I'm off. Best of luck on your latest quest, Potter. I'm done being a pawn."

He stood up and left the Great Hall hoping that he'd made himself clear.

-----------

It seemed that Potter was more determined and stubborn than he'd given him credit for.

For the next six months, every class they had in common, every meal they had at the same time, even when they ended up in the library studying together, Potter spotted him with a smile and always made a beeline for him.

And he started wearing Draco down with his sheer optimism, with his belief that they weren't all that different and that they could be friends.

It didn't hurt that Potter had a wicked sense of humor, that he was sarcastic and had no problem with calling people out on their shit.

It also didn't hurt that the other boy had grown four inches and packed on muscle, or that his hair had grown out into lovely curls that framed his face. It didn't hurt that he wanted to spend time with Draco, that he smiled whenever Draco laughed like he'd accomplished a mission, or that he was always casually touching him and sending Draco's heart racing.

"You know," he said, one afternoon when Potter had trailed along behind him on his way to the owlery to send a letter to his mother, "If circumstances were different, we might have been friends."

Potter bumped him with his shoulder, "Come on."

The corner of Draco's mouth tipped up but he said nothing.

"Draco," the other boy said, taking his hand and pulling him to a stop. "We're friends aren't we?" he asked, face drawn and serious.

"Maybe," Draco said, shrugging his shoulder.

Potter pouted at him, "I'm serious."

"Why do you care?" he asked, heart beating a little quicker.

The other boy scratched the back of his neck, "Because if we're not even friends, it's going to take me years to convince you to be anything more."

"What did you have in mind?" he asked.

"Are you always going to make me be the brave one?"

The corner of his mouth ticked up, "Well you are the Gryffindor aren't you?"

He huffed and looked like he was gearing up to say something when Draco decided to be the brave one and leaned in to press his lips to Harry's.

When he pulled back, Harry's eyes blinked open slowly and a soft smile spread across his face.

"So we're friends, then?" Harry asked.

"More, I'd say," he replied.

Harry grinned at him and tugged Draco over to kiss him softly again, "I like you," Harry said. "That's what I was going to say."

He laughed, "I gathered." Draco started off toward the owlery and Harry rushed to catch up.

"So we're boyfriends?"

"Gross." Draco wrinkled his nose, "Such a pedestrian word."

"What would you prefer?" Harry asked with a laugh.

He slipped his fingers through Harry's, "I'll get back to you."

"Alright," he replied, squeezing Draco's fingers. "I'll hold you to it."

"I'm sure that you will."

Harry held the door for him to go into the owlery, "What's that supposed to mean."

"Well, it's only your stubbornness that got us here, isn't it?" Draco gave him a kiss on the cheek, "It's one of the best things about you."

------------

Day 79: Never | Day 81: I Missed You

Hello loves- sorry to have missed yesterday! I'm still trying to recover from the cold I caught and I spent most of the day sleeping again. Thanks so much for your patience with me <3

#100 drarry drabbles in 100 days #drarry #drarry ficlet #drarry drabbles #hogwarts 8th year

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jiminiesfavouritecolourisblue · 4 years

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If you leave - bodyguard/royal au part 2

^ that counts as a request right? Angst below, I don’t know what fluff is anymore but I think there’s a sprinkle of it somewhere... I think.

Prev | Next

————————————————————————————————————————

“Baby let’s dance.”

If you closed your eyes you could almost imagine it was Jimin’s voice, but you don’t want to think about him now, that’s not why you’re here in blinding lights and deafening music, you want to forget, you need to forget.

“Not with you,” you say to the man that approached you, walking away to the bar for another drink. Stupid fool didnt realise he unlocked another memory of them, you’d need something more in your system to get it out.

But when you closed your eyes you could see him, reaching out his hands to you, eyes disappearing with how much he was smiling. “Dance with me princess.”

Memories that made you feel warmth now bought you so much pain, since that day you both felt hollow and as if there was a heavy weight on your chest, you didn’t know how to explain it. It just hurt, and you thought it would get better with time but it didn’t. It got worse.

So you didn’t mind the hands on your body when you danced into the night, you didn’t mind the hangovers in the morning, the pain in your head dulling the ache in your heart just a little.

You feel arms wrap around you from behind as you take another swing of your drink. Whoever he was he felt muscular, tall, but you don’t care. It isn’t until he rests his chin on the top of your head you realise he feels like Jungkook and your heart beats back to life again. You close your eyes and let them hold you, pretending for a second that it was your Kookie, that he’d move to rest his head on your shoulder when you ignored him like he always did, squeezing you harder, pouting until he got your attention. You let yourself dream for a second, even though you knew when the illusion shattered the black hole in your chest would expand tenfold. Like it always did when you let yourself pretend.

You could feel tears start to form in the corner of your eyes, you couldn’t do this, the man behind you must’ve felt your discomfort because he suddenly backed away. You hear a ruckus behind you but you don’t give a shit, he’s not Kookie, he’s not any one of the men that can make this go away.

You’re about to take another sip of your drink until you feel the weight of a hand wrapped firmly around your wrist. You know that hand, your eyes are fixed on it, your breathing becomes shallow and rapid as your gaze follows the hand to the body it’s connected to.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” What’s he doing here, he’s the one that decided to leave you, why does he care what happens to you?

You don’t know if you’re refusing to speak or if you can’t with how much his presence has put you in a daze, you can see the way his jaw is clenched the way it always did when you tested his patience. Good, let him be angry, let him feel a little of what you were.

He pulls you to stand and follow him, grip unrelenting and pace unforgiving. You try to get out of his hold but Joon pissed was a different force of nature, you wonder what he was doing in a place like this.

It isn’t until you’re outside you see Yoongi standing with his back to the car, they’re both in uniform, they must’ve been on their new job when they found you. You pretend that doesn’t sting, you don’t care it’s their job how dare they replace you when you felt their absence each and every day.

“You’re not my bodyguard anymore Namjoon, let me go,” you’re quiet but you’re seething.

He slams you back against the car, the only feeling coursing through his system was rage and it mixed with every other emotion he was feeling at this moment; worry, guilt, his heart breaking.

“Where the hell are your bodyguards Y/n?” When he finds them he’s going to put a fist in their faces repeatedly for letting you get into this state.

“Don’t have any,” you’re smiling now but it’s unnerving, it’s fake and it’s nothing he has ever seen before on your face.

“What do you mean you don’t have any?” Yoongi sounds calm, but that’s how you know he’s as angry as Namjoon.

“Why the hell do you both care? You left me,” it shouldnt sting the way it does when the words are out of your mouth, but it somehow manages to hit all three of you.

“Princess, answer the question.” Why does your heart hurt more when Yoongi calls you that? Why does it feel like he’s taking your breath away and suffocating you with his calm demeanour, like he really doesn’t care even though his words should prove otherwise.

“I’m not your burden anymore, so leave me alone,” you glare at them both with all the strength you had left, feeling your body shake from the cold and the anger seeping under your skin. “I dismissed my bodyguards but that’s none of your concern.”

“You did what?” Namjoon is trying to control his rage but your words are causing it to grow. “How could you be so stupid? Do you have any idea the amount of danger you’re putting yourself in? Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep you safe and you’re throwing all our effort in our faces by being so fucking reckless!”

You always hated it when he told you off, you could feel the tears start to form again and Namjoon watched as your doe eyes looked up at him with the anger fading and the hurt revealing it’s way through. Shit, he was too harsh, but you were being an absolute idiot. All of them have been worried sick since they left you, unable to perform the best at their job, they all agreed after you no more long standing positions, so they only did small security gigs or transferring a client for a day. They missed you so much and here you were throwing yourself into every danger like a big ‘fuck you’.

“Why did you leave me?” Your voice is so small and the sheer hurt in it caused his anger to drop out of his body. Yoongi had to look away, he hated it when you cried, they all did.

They didn’t feel like they could hold you the way they used to, so much had changed, and yet all the feelings were the same.

“Princess we had to go,” he tries to explain. “We couldn’t keep you safe because of how much we lo- w-we cared about y-”

“No Joonie if you cared about me, you wouldn’t have left!” You were so angry and upset you were crying but you still yelled your words, you needed them to hear you and you’d make sure they did. “I thought I meant more to you than just a charge but you proved me wrong the day you walked out, because if you cared about me you’d fight to keep me safe, but you didn’t.”

You don’t care if you’re a sobbing mess in front of them now, you don’t care if you look weak, they had to feel what they did to you, see the consequences of their desicion.

Namjoon can’t say a word, how does he explains to you the guilt he felt that day, the only rational choice was to leave you in the hands of someone who could protect you the way he had failed. You came above all else, he couldn’t trust himself to keep you safe anymore.

“Do you know how hard it was for us to go,” it’s Yoongi that finds his voice. “We didn’t want to leave you Princess, we didn’t feel like we had a choice.”

“Bullshit!” You contended. “There’s always a choice and you made yours.”

You hug yourself to keep yourself together because in front of them both you can feel yourself begin to shatter.

“You left me when I needed you the most, and I won’t forgive you for it.”

If you tore into their chests and ripped out their hearts it would’ve hurt less. Yoongi sighs in defeat.

“Okay Y/n,” Namjoon could feel his eyes go red with the way he’s holding back his own tears, he and Yoongi were not ones to cry but he can’t miss the telltale glistening in the older man’s eyes, and how they mirrored his own with regret. “Let’s just get you home.”

“No I haven’t had enough to drink,” you move off the car and try to make your way back but there’s a strong hand holding you back by your arm.

“I think you’ve had plenty to drink,” Yoongi says while opening the backseat door.

How do you tell them you needed more so you’d black out tonight, otherwise your dreams would be filled with them.

——————————————————————————

The ride was quiet, no one wanted to say a word. The only break from silence was when Namjoon called Jin to ask him to meet you all at your place with a medical kit and you insisting it was not necessary.

They didn’t listen, but what was new?

It’s not Jin that meets the car running, but the youngest of your ex bodyguards with Jimin very close behind.

“Princess?” Jimin couldn’t believe your state, you looked like a mess. He helped you out of the car swallowing his own emotions.

Jungkook stared at you with his big eyes in shock, and you wanted the ground to swallow you up. You couldn’t meet his eyes, you could see a his own concoction of emotions swirl in them like a cocktail from the glimpse you got. Disbelief, anger, sadness, his Princess looked so broken.

When the decision was made to leave Jungkook was the one to fight it, he was the one that tried to convince the others it wasn’t a good idea, that you needed them and they needed you. He looked at Namjoon with so much anger but that could wait, he needed to make sure your were okay first.

He strides his way to you, picking you up like the Princess you were when you struggled to stand and carried you to the house.

“Kookie I can walk,” you mumble, but you felt so warm in his arms, you didn’t want him to let you go. You missed him so much, you missed them all.

“What the hell happened?” Jimin’s voice when he was angry was nothing like his usual tone, his voice became deeper and lost its musical ring.

Yoongi waved him off, starting to get a headache from the whole thing, “later.”

They take you to your bedroom where your life was turned upside down, Jin, Tae and Hobi were waiting for you there. They must’ve tidied up, you left the place in a tip.

Jungkook doesn’t place you on the bed, he sits on there instead not letting you out of his arms. The glare he sends the others is very clear, try to take her off me.

You’re starting to feel drained, the earlier screaming match completely wore you out, and you were feeling the effects of sleep deprivation. You don’t even realise how you’re leaning into Jungkook, but the position is familiar, like a key in a lock, and you can feel yourself drifting.

“Princess we need you to stay awake just a little longer okay?” Tae crouches down to meet your eyes, you can see the sadness in them even though he’s keeping a straight face. He can’t help but reach his palm out to feel your flushed cheeks, he wants to tell you he’s missed you, that they were all lost without you, but he knows it would hurt you more than they already had.

“Tae I’m tired,” you whine a little, the defences dropping now your body felt safe, your brain couldn’t catch up with the fact that you were still angry with them, you could almost pretend the last few months didn’t happen.

“Let her sleep, we’ve put her through enough,” Hobi sounded so serious from where he was watching you, back leaning against the wall, arms crossed like a teacher waiting for the class to settle. When Hobi was angry it scared you the most. Tae nodded at his hyungs words, offering you a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes before moving away.

“First take these Princess,” Jin holds two pills in his palm and a glass of water, he brings them both to your lips, gently coaxing you to swallow. He wipes away the little spill you made down the side of your mouth, letting his fingers linger there for a second. He hasn’t been this close to you for so long, he doesn’t want to move away, but he does.

You nuzzle closer to the body holding you, clutching onto his shirt as you finally succumb to sleep. You can feel a cheek pressed against the top of your head, a promise written in the way he holds you tighter against him, but you were too far gone to decipher the words in the warmth of his arms, so you let your dreams take you instead.

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