#and we only see him in the prequel and in flashbacks

[noctunis]

the fact that suguru is doomed throughout the whole story and there really was no saving him will forever haunt me

[channieschaoscorner]

First Meeting - Stray Kids x female!9th member reader

*Prequel to Tipping Point*

Pairing: ot8!Skz x 9th member reader, platonic Chan x reader

Summary: During one of Chan’s lives, he tells the story of how you met.

Genre: Fluff, platonic love, maybe slight Chan x reader again if you squint hard enough but idk the reader is running away from me at this point and doing her own thing.

A/N: Thank you so much to the anon who requested this one, this is the prequel to Tipping Point of how Chan met our lovely 9th member. As always thank you for all your love and support on my work, please send in any ideas or requests that you might have and I hope you enjoy!!!!!

Prequel to Tipping Point

Masterlist

────୨ৎ────

Chan threw his head back and laughed as he read the questions during his live.

“Who wrote ‘Red Lights’? Hyunjin. Hyunjin did.” He nodded.

“Who wrote “I Like It? That would be Y/N. I don't know what children I've raised, you guys need to talk to them about that.”

He could hear the scramble in the hallway and braced himself for what was coming as the door to his room flew open.

“You liar!”

You burst through his door and shoved him out of frame, he didn’t even fight back. Chan landed on the floor laughing as you attempted to do damage control with what he said.

“I did not write ‘I Like It’ Stay, please do not listen to a word this man says. He doesn’t even know what he’s saying.” You begged. “He’s just trying to cover up his own lyrics and he needs to take responsibility for them-will you shut up?!”

Chan was still in stitches on the floor, he knew there was no taking back what he’d said and that Stay would run with it now. He could picture the comments flying in and couldn’t hold back his glee. He crawled back up, wiping at his eyes to be met by your very unimpressed face and crossed arms.

“They believe you, you’re actually the worst.”

“You love me really.” He teased.

“I don’t, you’re a demon. I regret ever joining this group.” You tried to keep a straight face but the corners of your mouth twitched. In an effort to move on, you turned your attention back to the comment section.

I can’t believe Chan exposed Y/N like that

I love them

They’re so funny together

Welcome to IDidn’tWriteTheLyricsRacha Y/N!!!!!!

Actual friendship goals

How did you guys become friends?

“How did you guys become friends?” You repeated. “Have you never told the story of how we met?”

Chan shook his head.

“Go on, you tell it better.” You encouraged him, leaning back to listen about how you’d met your best friend.

────୨ৎ────

*Flashback to your trainee days*

Chan rubbed his face, hoping to wake himself up slightly but there was no point. It was closing in on 2am and he’d been in here since this morning. He admitted defeat and started to pack away his laptop. He closed the studio door and paused.

Was that music?

It was faint but it was definitely there. He assumed someone had left their phone hooked up to a speaker or something because no one would still be here at this time. He was so used to being alone in the building that he pushed the door of the practice room open with no hesitation, only to be greeted with the sight of someone dancing.

That someone being you.

“Oh!” He froze. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think anyone was here.” He bowed down in apology, mortified at how he’d just marched in.

“That’s ok!” You smiled warmly at him. “I don’t blame you, I shouldn’t still be here right now but monthly evaluations are coming up and I want to be perfect.”

“You’re a trainee?”

You nodded and bowed, introducing yourself to him. “I’m Y/N.”

“I’m Chris, but most people just call me Chan. It’s nice to meet you, I’m sorry again. I’ll let you get back to practising.”

Chan left after that, but that wasn’t the last time you saw him. In fact, you started noticing him more. In the hallways between practices, the days you left the building before him, seeing him sit on his own to eat. You wanted to go up and speak to him but seeing everyone else give him a wide berth made you hesitate. He seemed nice enough that night but maybe that was just him being polite, maybe he wasn’t one for friends. So you didn’t speak though, not until he found his way back to a practice room in the middle of the night again.

A knock on the door made you pause. “Come in?”

Chan poked his head round the door. “I didn’t just want to barge in again but I heard the music.”

“Sorry, is it too loud? I can lower it down, I’m just used to practising late and no one being here.”

“No no it’s ok! Actually I was just… I wanted to see if… If maybe…If you…” He was tripping over his own words and rubbing his ear. You could practically feel the anxiety rolling off him right now.

“If I?” You prompted.

“IfeelreallyguiltythatIdidn’tmakesureyougothomeoktheotherdayandI’msorry.” The words fell out of his mouth, quicker than he seemed to anticipate.

You blinked trying to process what he’d said.

“I feel guilty that I didn’t check to make sure you were ok going home on your own the other day and I’m sorry.” He tried again. “I just wanted to check and see if you needed me to walk you back or anything because it’s late. But it’s ok if you don’t or maybe you’re not comfortable with that, it’s not like we’re friends. I mean you don’t even really know me, I just wanted-“ He was starting to ramble again and word vomit.

“That would be great actually.” You interrupted.

He visibly relaxed and smiled, you resisted the urge to comment on his dimples “Ok cool, I can go grab my stuff and I’ll come back.”

He left so you could pack your stuff up, you were glad he’d come back. You’d been contemplating approaching him whenever you saw him but he always looked so busy and at times intimidating. You knew he wasn’t very friendly with other trainees, you weren’t sure why but now you knew it wasn’t because he was an unfriendly person. Unfriendly people don’t offer to walk other people home just to make sure they’re safe.

You waited outside the practice room for him and smiled when he came down the hallway. “You ready?”

You walked in silence for a while before he broke it, “How are you feeling about the evaluations?”

“Nervous, it’s my first one. They gave us a few months to settle in before starting the evaluations.”

“You’ll be fine, they’re intense but just listen to their feedback and you’ll do well.”

You nodded. “It’s a group and individual evaluation so they’ll see me a few times.”

“That’s good, you have a chance to really show them what you can do.”

He gave you some more advice on the walk home, which you happily accepted. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who’d already been through this. He told you about joining 2 years ago, leaving Australia and his family but how he hoped it would all be worth it once he debuted. He offered his number to you once you got to your dorm.

“Just in case you’re rehearsing late again and need me to walk you home.”

────୨ৎ────

You settled into this routine then, one of you would text at some point in the day to see if you were staying late and you started to coordinate the nights so you always had company for the walk home. You felt more comfortable heading up to the studio to get him once it reached a certain time, always concerned about his lack of sleep. He was more than able though to turn the lecture back to you reminding you that it took more energy to dance into the early hours of the morning than produce. Despite knowing you were in the practice room drilling your routines for the evaluation, you wouldn’t let him see.

“I want it to be a surprise. You need to see it with everyone else for the first time.”

That was how Chan found himself waiting with other trainees and staff to watch the evaluations of the new trainees.

“I heard there’s a girl here that JYP wants to come down and see personally, he loved her audition but she’s not even meant to be that great of a singer.” Chan heard someone gossiping. “It was her dancing that got her in, said he hasn’t seen a dancer like her in years.”

Chan stopped paying attention, he’d spotted you warming up in the corner. You waved shyly at him, trying not to attract too much attention which was hard because you were currently sat in the splits looking far too comfortable.

“Are you friends with him?” A girl in your evaluation group asked.

You looked up at her. “Erm, kind of?”

“How?” She pressed.

“We bumped into each other, just got talking.” You held back on telling her how you’d actually met for more than one reason. One, you didn’t want it known that you stayed late to practice most nights. That time was your safe haven and two, you didn’t want your time with your time with Chan interrupted. The idea of others joining in on that made something stick in your throat. You coughed to try and shift the feeling but it wouldn’t leave you.

In fact, that uncomfortable feeling stayed with you right until the staff announced they would begin the evaluations. They were starting off with groups first then moving onto individual performances. The groups were more strutted, dancing, singing, stage presence. Everything you would need if you were going to debut in a group, but the individual evaluations is what you were looking forward to. You’d been allowed some leeway with this one as it was your first and were allowed to just perform a chosen skill e.g. singing, rapping or yours, dance.

The door opened and the room fell silent as JYP took a seat. You’d heard people gossiping that he might come to watch and give his opinion but it had all been rumours, nothing confirmed until he walked right through the door. He was truthful as the groups performed, telling them what they needed to work on, what was done well and if needs be, what went completely wrong. Your hands were trembling listening to him speak, your mouth had gone dry and no matter how much water you drank none of it helped. He waved the group away and called out the next one.

Yours.

You took your place, your eyes searched the room until you found Chan again. He offered you a small smile when he realised you’d been scanning the room, he nodded encouragingly. The music started and your body went into autopilot. The moves came naturally but that wasn’t because you enjoyed them. If you had to be honest, you’d say that girl group choreography just wasn’t your style. It was too delicate, too cutesy, not you. That didn’t matter though, this is what you needed to do in order to debut and so you’d do it without complaint.

You hit your final positions and then lined up in front of the staff to listen to their feedback. It was all similar.

“Danced well together.”

“Timing is good.”

“Need to be cleaner in some moves.”

It was JYP that you held your breath for, he spoke to the others first before finishing with you. He was helpful but firm, they all nodded and absorbed his feedback, taking in every word.

“Y/N.”

You felt like you couldn’t breathe.

“I expected more.”

That was it. He offered no other feedback before you were dismissed and sat back down. He expected more? What did that even mean? You knew the dance wasn’t your style but you didn’t think that you were terrible. You tucked yourself into a ball and dipped your head. This wasn’t good enough, you were a dancer. You’d been born to move, to dance, to perform. You had one more shot to impress him and you were not going to let this go to waste.

Chan watched you deflate in the corner of the room, he felt terrible for you but he’d be lying though if he said he disagreed with what was said. You were good, great even but you danced like you were just going through the motions, not like you loved what you were doing. It confused him. This didn’t seem like the girl who stayed rehearsing until 2am because she had to be perfect. He watched you fold into yourself for the rest of the groups until they announced the solo evaluations.

They were good, he couldn’t deny that. Between singers and rappers, there was a lot of vocal talent in the room. They moved onto the dancers and he watched your head lift up. Your jaw was clenched and there was a hard look in your eyes. They moved through the list, and many different styles were performed. Between lyrical, contemporary, the stereotypical girl group style. Your name was called last. You stepped into the centre, ignoring the whispers surrounding you.

The speakers came to life and everyone was silenced when ‘Doom Dada’ blared out. Chan watched your face light up and an attitude that he’d never seen before as you moved. It clicked in his head instantly, of course you were going through the motions before it wasn’t even close to being your style of dance. This, right now, you were like a whole other person and the love for what you were doing shone through.

You finished in a low squat with your arms crossed and held eye contact with the staff in front of you. JYP leaned forward with his hands crossed, you held your breath.

“That was exactly what I wanted to see. That is what you’re capable of and I don’t want to see anything less than that ever again.” He stood up, finished with the evaluations and addressed the room. “That is your standard for dancing. Anything below that is not enough.”

“Well, I guess we know who he wanted to see now.” Someone muttered behind Chan. He wasn’t listening though, he’d already stood up and crossed the room to speak to you.

“You didn’t think to mention you can dance like that?”

You were breathing heavily, the weight of what you’d just done beginning to hit you and your body was tiring quickly. “I told you I wanted you to see it with everyone else.”

“I won’t lie, I was worried after the group but that? That was insane Y/N, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

You felt your face flush at his compliment. “It’s not that big of a deal.” You brushed him off.

“Nope, forget about waiting on me when I’m producing at night. You’re going to help me learn how to dance like that.” He grabbed your shoulders and started steering you out of the room. “We’re going to celebrate.”

“Celebrate what?” You didn’t object to the pushing, just let him guide you out.

“Celebrate that my dance evaluations are going to go through the roof now!”

────୨ৎ────

*Back to the present*

“So that was how we became friends.” Chan finished. “It wasn’t even a question for me when I was told that I could make the group to ask her.”

“I was always surprised that you asked me.” You admitted, shifting in your chair and tucking your knees up to your chest.

“What?!” Chan’s eyes almost popped out his head, you’d never told him that before.

You shrugged. “You were told to form a boy group, it had been so long since you joined that I never even thought you’d fight to make it co-ed.”

Chan was shocked, you’d been the first person on his mind the second he was told he could form his own group. He’d gone back straight away to explain how he couldn’t do it without you, what you’d bring to the group and he’d fight to have you there with him. It had been years and you’d never once mentioned that you had been genuinely surprised that he asked you to do it with him.

He was silent for a moment, thinking of his words carefully. “You were my first friend in 2 years that I knew wouldn’t leave.” He spoke quietly, so quietly that you nearly had to strain to hear him. “I couldn’t imagine doing any of this without you. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

You held his eye contact, until the buzzing of the comments was too much to ignore.

I’m actually crying at this

Omg actual soulmates here

Y/N looks like she’s about to cry I can’t cope

If she cries I’ll cry

Forget friendship goals I fully believe they’re in love now

Aww Y/N as a girlfriend would be so cute!!!!

“Nope nope none of that.” You scrolled through. “I’d be a terrible girlfriend to anyone.”

Chan laughed again at that, agreeing with you.

“I’m a workaholic that spends all hours choreographing even on my days off. Never mind when I have a busy schedule full of practicing, touring, interviews. Honestly, I’d be the worst girlfriend. I hope no one ever asks me.” You were completely exposing yourself here and you didn’t care.

Chan looked at you slyly and then back to the camera. “Spoken like the true writer of I Like It.” He teased.

Your jaw dropped and you lunged at him to push him off his chair again while the comments exploded at his words.

[passmethatcokezero]

hot and bothered... (18+ // woozi!friends with benefits au) pt.1

- jihoon x fem!reader - 2.7k words - warnings: smut. minors dni! bff!woozi is hot and bothered at work so bff!you came to the rescue, dry humping, blowjob, needy jihoon cos why not, made so quick cos I was missing him and he has been living in my mind rent free since the day i saw him on the carts ( i wasnt same since then and thoughts have been thunk so here's a fraction of those thoughts ), just a short one, but thinking of making a part two continuation. enjoy! - (prequel link at the end of second part cos i think we all need it)

“You alright?” The silence breaks, as the words from your mouth betrayed yourself. You didn’t really want to speak first, although you did feel the air has now gotten a little lighter compared earlier.

It was Seungkwan’s stupid plan; the guys had been sick of staying up all night after hours of practice for a few days now just to please their dear producer. No one can seem to thaw him, moreso pinpoint where the tension is rooted from. Obviously, it was self-inflicted pressure. Jihoon can’t understand why nobody seems to meet his expectations lately and it got bad to the point of Seokmin blaming himself for what seemed like delays but aren’t as they still got plenty of time before the next comeback. Seungkwan, hurt, seeing his talented friend’s self-esteem chase tears down his cheeks, stepped up by calling you over because “maybe you can do something about your best friend,” as he said.

Jihoon sighed as he slumps his body deep in his chair. You’ve made your presence known since earlier when Soonyoung was trying to ease the tension but you kept your mouth shut or else Jihoon might explode knowing you’re just going to take the poor boy’s side who was even more in tears brought therein by your comforting strokes on his arm. “You came here for what exactly?”

“Excuse me?” you scoffed at his words. “Seungkwan called me. For some reason I thought I was coming for a celebration and yet…”

Silence takes over once again. The boys had long been gone since Bumzu initiated that everyone should take a breather first, and secretly asking you to stay and maybe help clear up your friend’s mind. “I don’t even know why the boys kept on doing this, okay? Suddenly all the pressure’s on me whenever you’re acting up.”

You did not want to say it, but it had been a long day at work and hearing his snarky voice ticked you in a bad way.

“I am just tired.” Jihoon says almost immediately, as if not wanting you to say anything more. He massaged his temples and continued, “...tired as fuck.”

“But that does not excuse that kind of attitude!” you stood from the couch, rising with the tension inside the room. “You’re being too hard on the boys and yourself. Again.” You cursed under your breath, realizing the cringy tone that just left your mouth. The last time the same exact nagging tone came out, Jihoon’s anxiety was having a field day in his brain just like earlier, and you did not expect what happened after.

And then it came to you. Soon you were flooded with flashbacks from what happened that night: Jihoon aggressively pinning you by the door, meaning to actually open it and let you out, when all of a sudden you pulled him into an embrace in an attempt to calm him down, crashing your lips to his after a long eye-fucking, breath kissing when you caught him off guard, blushing from the sudden warmth. Not long after he responded, kissing you hard as if you were not just shedding tears arguing with him over his sharp words when you were just asking him to simply breathe during a heated exchange with Soonyoung over the phone. The kiss went wild yet slowly turned comfortable as he kept on apologizing, feeling your hot tears meet his burning red cheeks. You figured he needed it that time, like a de-stressor of some sorts, and so you let his mouth conquer yours as a way to help.

That kiss went longer than what friends could actually share. But if it's the only way to keep your friend sane that moment, you suppose you can let him use you as long as he is not going to be weird about it right after. Which he did, or so you thought.

Because that day never left his mind. He was not sure why you let him kiss you like that that night, nor why you did not even bother to ask about it days, weeks after. A bit hurt that it seemed like a casual thing for you, but for him it meant healing, washing away the anxiety clouding his thinking. That moment stayed on his mind unhealthily long, almost turned into songs he would never write and let you hear, even causing him to get wet dreams for quite a while. But of course, no one could know. Not about the kiss. Not even his budding feelings towards his best friend.

“Jihoon-ah…” you exhaled, turning his swivel to face you. “I can help, Just… tell me how..”

Both of you had the same thing in mind, he needed you just like that night. But why does he find it hard to admit it? 

The guy blushed in pink, avoiding your eyes at all cost, acting as if in deep-thought. “I…”

“Look at me,” he obeys in a second, but his eyes can't help but fall into your lips inches away from him. “Do you want…. my help?”

He nods subtly as an answer, but you can’t just accept that. You needed him firm, an answer to also clear your doubts about the way his eyes are glued to your lips, his ears blushed to the reddest of red, and the way his adam’s apple bobbed up and down when you leaned in closer: is he nervous because he’s uncomfortable? or was he nervous because you suddenly make him be?

“Yeah…” his breath hitches, the side of your lips upturns.

“Then say it—”

“I need you,” he reveals his innermost desire as he scrambles to his feet and catches your lips like he has been waiting for it for centuries.

Just like the first time, the kiss deepens instantly as you two found a comfortable position on the couch, you settling on his lap, arms around his shoulders. You two couldn't even care less if the door had been left unlocked when the people had left. It’s just your mouth sharing warmth with his; tongues dancing together in harmony. Just like the first time, he was craving for more, and he was able to relay that message when his teeth grazed at your lower lip, causing a moan to escape your lungs. He too groaned and by then you realized he is now rock hard underneath your heat, his thin shorts revealing himself to your clothed mound. 

“Fuck…” you did not expect yourself to be so turned on knowing you made your best friend erect just like that. All you did was wet kissing and well, maybe sitting right above his cock was what it all took.

You arched your back when you felt him squirm underneath you. He was definitely trying to move and find his rhythm, you thought, so you matched with his and rolled your hips against his erection.

“Damn….” he moaned so deeply with his hoarse voice. The friction between your clothed pussy and his bulge was enough to send you dripping to your core. Not even him, the most rational person you knew, can think straight at a moment like this: does he want to kiss your neck or pull you for another tongue wrestling? Does he want to tear all the annoying garments away from you? Does he want to set his cock free and let you sit on it, ride it if it’s too tempting for you? There’s one thing he knows though, he does not want to stop humping for now. The kind of pleasure the friction is giving him, plus the fact that he was doing such an erotic activity with not just any person but his best friend he had been fantasizing about lately was enough to send him nuts. He cannot even fathom what would happen if this escalates to something more, just having your warmth and your equally heightened libido had his focus on the now.

“You’re so hard, Jihoon.”

It felt so good and ego-boosting at the same time. Is he having a good time as well? He seems to like it as much as you do. His erection and hip movements to meet yours say it all: he wants you so bad and you feel proud someone actually desires you that much. When even was the last time you got laid? Was it a very long time ago? You aren’t sexually active yourself, and surprisingly, you’ve never been in a serious relationship as well. Maybe it wasn’t your priority, but having this heated session with your friend, you realized, you also craved to be touched, and be wanted. You wanted to be kissed deeply and ravenously, to be held possessively, and to be wanted as hungrily as how Jihoon was making you feel. Exactly as how Jihoon is obsessing for all that you are right now.

“Touch me. Please, Jihoon…” 

The dry humping must have had a drug, you thought. How come having all these annoying barriers on your skin makes all these way hotter than you thought it could be? Especially when Jihoon’s feisty hands made their way from your waist to the insides of your shirt while his sloppy kisses made their way to your neck. His cold hands cupping your breasts send electricity to your spine, causing you to moan out his name as dirty and needy as possible. Who could blame you, he was making you feel so good. His hands that created masterpieces are now invading your privacy, so sweetly yet so heavy with emotions. It was as if he was milking out lyrics to an explicit love song out of you, to match the melodies coming out of your lungs that harmonize with his.

“You’re so fucking hot, you know that?” he managed to say between breaths, as he enjoys playing with your now slightly free breasts that had slipped out of your bra. He is still a boy, you found that out long time ago, when you’ve caught him subtly staring at your chest during that one listening party night you were his plus one at a bar hosted by a producer friend and you just had to wear something skimpy and rather revealing, something to match the R&B vibe of the album. He did catch himself as well staring that time, and proceeded to lend you his suit because “the bartender was having the time of his life flirting with you," - went his alibi.

“Yeah? That’s why you wanted me so bad huh?—oh shit!” you moaned out loud when his hold on you became heavier, pushing you down to his hardened cock as if there were anymore spaces left in between.

Mouths agape, together you humped against each other's heat, only moans were resonating inside his studio alongside a minute sound of the friction cause by the fabrics.

“Fuck I think gonna cum, fuck,” Jihoon cursed, while his eyes were shut and his teeth gritted to concentration. “Fuck,” he humps against you harder as curses kept on rolling from his tongue, while your hips rolled faster to meet his tempo, moans pitched higher and higher. You were also close, and suddenly you were reminded this isn’t about you. You were helping your friend. And you gotta do what you gotta do.

“Wai-wha—what are you doing?” his voice sounded annoyed but you know better than to answer him. Legs folding on the floor as you positioned yourself in between his, not wasting time in pulling twice the constraints that were his shorts and underwear. His cock sprung healthily, all pink and angry, veins bulging out as if wanted to be traced by your tongue.

He hissed out of breath, confused if he wanted to surrender on the couch or look at you in a position he had only dreamt of once. 

No words need exchanging as you started sucking him off right there, mixing his precum with saliva, coating him down until your mouth can take. He had praises for you behind his teeth but all he could let out were needy guttural moans that translated how good you were making him feel anyway. You let his moans and the sight of him all sweaty and consumed fuck your system as the pool in your south continued to dampen your undies, the insides of your thighs getting ticklish, missing the attention it has gotten from him. Oh how badly you wanted him to fuck you right then and there, how badly you want him bucking his hips and drilling you so deep, how badly you wanted this thick cock of his inside you, stretching you oh so painfully yet so pleasurable.

“fuck… cant… anymore…” his shaky words were almost inaudible from all the dirty noises he was making, sounding even more gibberish while his body moved erratically to fuck your mouth, hands glued to your head to try to get his momentum, which did not take long as strings of cum exploded inside your mouth. You were quick to swallow, but most of his loads were still overflowing, racing down to your chin straight to your neck. It was one heck of a view, he thinks, as his chest heaves chasing his breath while appreciating a bit of the scene: his softening cock popping out of your mouth, before almost passing out.

“that was… really good.” it was probably an understatement to the euphoric climax he just had; his mind was still hazy from the release so he cannot find the correct words to tell you. But you were fine, the moans already sounded like praises to you. “That feels much better than I do with my own.”

“Of course it would,” you gave him a peck on the corner of his lips, and then dusting off the wrinkles on your clothes and adjusting your bra. “Takes two to tango.”

Confusion was then plastered on his face when you began fixing your hair and proceeding to face your back to grab your bag you left by the table. “What are you doing?”

“Leaving?”

“Who said you are?”

Somewhere in the room, his phone rings which he attentively checks. The name wasn’t supposed to annoy the hell out of him, but right now it almost spelled like a curse to him.

“You’re not leaving, please.” he grabs your hand as he takes the call from Bumzu. He knows you did not have your release, and he doesn’t want you carrying all that unreleased tension inside you when he himself had the best one tonight. 

You heard the other line asking how he was feeling now and that he had left something inside the studio and if it’s okay to go and get it. Jihoon agrees, not without a defeated sigh and a click of his tongue only you can hear.

“You know the passcode right? I think I’ll take my leave tonight, I don’t think I can wring anything out of my mind at this rate.”

You looked at him while shaking your head as a smirk forms on your mouth, furrowing your eyebrows at him as if asking him what he was saying.

“Sure, actually we’ve been meaning to tell you that.” Bumzu seconds him, and asks about you right after. You heard him say Seokmin and Seungkwan had been asking if you weren’t busy and maybe hangout for a while as a way to thank you from earlier. Both guys had always been the sweetest among the bunch and although it was only out of courtesy, Jihoon can’t help but fume in jealousy, making himself lie to keep you in his (and ONLY HIS) sight for a while.

“She just left, I think she said she’s going for an early appointment tomorrow,” and ends the call soon when Bumzu bids his farewell and hopes of him getting well.

“I didn’t know you can lie to your brothers,”

“For an emergency yeah,” he hasn’t let go of your hand yet, and now he was already leading you out of his studio to the elevator.

“You could just say you’re sending me home, that would sound a lot better,”

And then what, you finding out about how the guys had been teasing him about you since day one? Of course, he won’t let that happen. Not until he finds the time to finally be honest with himself and to you.

“So… my place or yours?”

-

stay tuned for part two for the hoo-haa ;)

a/n: updated! part two is up! again, there's a prequel you can read after. link will be at the end of the second part ^^

[stethosc0pe]

never be like you

frank langdon x goth!reader, slight/past trinity santos x reader

wc: 9k!

content/warnings: LOVE CONFESSION!, canon typical gore maybe idk, blood, jealousy, fluff, yearning, angst, arguing, banter, langdon being desperate for that thang, excruciatingly dialogue heavy, gross abuse of italics, flashbacks, moving in, neighbors!!!, best friends!!!!!!, best friends to lovers, pre-established relationship, divorce, Frank has no kids, rehab, benzos mention, alcohol, weed, smoking weed, # they are drunk and high, reader is PGY-5, reader has a Buick LeSabre, reader wears all black, reader has black hair, hopefully no exclusionary language (no mention of hair texture, skin color, weight or height), slight/past santos x reader, no smut sorry (next chapter tho), bisexual reader :P

a/n: hey. we are jumping around in time! here’s chapter two, which is technically chapter one bc it is a prequel. It can also be read as a stand alone. but if you read this and enjoy it, like a stone is it’s follow-up. no smut in this one, but next chapter with be about their first time and will probably be all smut :3 I AM NOT A DOCTOR SORRY IF THERES MEDICAL INACCURACIES!!

if you see this: ·:*¨༺ ♱ ✮ ♱ ༻¨*:· it means there is a spotify link to a song for you! i feel like it can be hard to follow because we are jumping around in the timeline, so i only put two in here. but there will probably be more in the future. unfortunately it is my condition to create stress inducing pieces of work. reader has a david fincher lisbeth salander-ish aesthetic but not necessarily a lisbeth salander physicality, skin tone, body type or shape, height etc. all my reader characters are bisexual even if not explicitly stated. memory is indicated by large chunks of italics.

this fic is named after Never Be Like You by Flume :P

read like a stone here

You moved to night shift while Frank was at rehab. 

It’s just easier this way. You stopped finding yourself able to sleep well after the sun went down anymore. You sweat and have gory nightmares. You’ve never been one to shudder at gore, but these were highly indicative of stress. 

Sometimes the hospital blows up, flames licking up the walls.

Sometimes you’re eviscerated, an autopsy being done on you.

In these dreams, no matter what, you are always, always, at work. It is always, always daylight. And you look around for Frank. Someone to commiserate with. To look over and see him torn open too, and feel comforted. 

And he is never, ever there.

You tend to psychoanalyze everyone you meet. Silently, of course. Everyone except yourself. You can’t see that you’re having these vignettes in your dreams because you just miss him. And the botched routine has started to get to you, because a vital piece is missing. It’s a routine years in the making. And you fucking hate change. 

It seems to be making your mind violent.

Abbot accepted you immediately into his team. It’s harsh to settle into, but the knife always dulls. 

The nightmares stop. Now you dream of nothing at all. Like black out curtains. You wonder what it’ll take to have a good dream. And to remember it when you wake up, too.

You tell Frank all about the switch over when you visit him at the rehab center. You tell him about the nightmares, the switch over, and the nightmares’ departure all in one sitting. He has to pull it out of you, because you don’t want to talk about yourself at the museum of his addiction. You haven’t talked about yourself in a long time. The medical field will do that to you. But you talk, and it all comes spewing out. And there’s not much Frank can do about it from there. It seems to comfort you for now. And that’s good. 

But it’s Frank’s first week back, and he’s never been to work before where he knew you weren’t coming back. You’ve taken days off. Gone home early, shit like that. Now you’re just… on the other side of the clock. And he rarely sees you anymore. 

And there’s this new guy. He’s a PGY-3 and he definitely wasn’t hired to take your place at day shift, though it feels that way to Langdon. He’s 5’6 and has a very patchy mustache. He’s happy to be there. Like, suspiciously chipper. Frank knows they will not get along.

The week comes to an end slowly. It long. People know. Rumors spread, especially when you get caught stealing pills. And with that, comes people walking on eggshells around you. It’s fucking annoying. And he has no one to hold him to it and through it on his lunch break and in busy halls. There is no one to make him belly laugh. There is no one he’s excited to make laugh.

You are both suffering for this. 

You could not fathom the change of him being gone, so you throw your entire work life into upheaval, having to learn a whole new night routine after all. He’s back now, and the original change can be rectified. You know that. You don’t know why you stay at the night shift.

Frank cannot fathom the dissonance of you being gone. He can’t seem to stop looking for you. He wants badly, badly, badly. But it’s selfish to ask you to come back. You’re finding comfort in the night shift from what plagues you. And that’s good, he tells himself. Over and Over.

He texts you. He calls when it’s really bad.

The phone rings 4 times.

‘Hello?’ You answer, voice husky.

‘Hey. Were you sleeping?’ Frank says, trying to be as considerate as he can be. He’s eloped outside for a second to do this.

‘Almost. I was just about to get in my coffin. You’re lucky, cuz there’s no service in there.’ You sound like you’re rubbing your eyes.

‘S-Sorry.’ You don’t expect this stressed tone from him. You expected a joke back.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘I’m fuckin’… It’s rough here today.’ He leans against the outside wall of the Pitt. ‘Y’know- I don’t like this little shit who’s taken your place.’

‘They didn’t take my place. No one did.’

‘Well, he’s using your locker.’

‘Who is it?’ You were sitting up before, probably to answer the phone, and it sounds like you’ve just sunk back into bed.

‘I don’t even know his name. I don’t want to know. He’s a transfer.’

‘I was a transfer.’ You say, monotone.

‘Yeah, but they don’t make em’ like you anymore.’

‘They tried. When they made you.’

He laughs, and you chuckle, and there’s a comfortable silence. He’s imagining your face, hair put up for bed. And as for what you wear to bed, he…

‘Can… can I see you this weekend?’

Frank has been sober from benzodiazepines for almost nine months now. Three in inpatient, which he thought was overkill, but whatever. And five in outpatient. He still has to go to meetings and do drug tests to make sure his job at the Pitt keeps. He’s moved into the apartment across from yours, and he was seeing you at least twice a week. Usually on the weekends. You run errands together. 

Then, it slowly evolved into a situation that was entirely too domestic to be comfortable. But it is. 

Some days, Frank hears your key turn in your door from his apartment and is at your heels before you’ve made it in. He comes in with you and you eat something together usually. You talk over your food until you’re too tired to stand anymore. The lines close in farther and farther. You tell him you’re going to bed, and the first time this happens he asks if you want him to leave. Only if you want to, you say. Watch TV. I have HBO. 

Just lock the door when you leave. 

He doesn’t know what you mean by this, since he doesn’t have a key to your apartment. You’re sleep deprived, he supposes. So, he stays until he wants to lay in a bed instead of a couch. When he needs to leave, he takes your key off the ring and locks the door with it, and then he slides it back under the door for you. 

You pick it up when you get ready for work. You keep picking it up each time until it has surely, solidly become a thing to expect.

Sometimes Frank felt like you were his only friend. Him and Abby’s friends chose her in the divorce. The others from work called and texted but… he only saw your face. 

Your apartment smells like you and it smells lived in. The blankets are pilled and frayed like you’d taken them from home. There are things to look at. Trinkets and books and loose papers scattered around. The walls have frames and art and your high school diploma. They aren’t glaringly white and empty like his. And you’re right across the hall. It’s hard to resist the urge to be with you.

Even if you’re just sleeping in the next room.

Now Langdon’s back at work, and trying to get a hold of you is like hell. Because, y’know. You’re sleeping, but it’s different now. You're nocturnal, and when you aren’t at work, you try to rest like every other doctor. 

Your door is closed before he can make it in now. It feels like a tombstone staring back at him; unmoving and final. 

And he needs sleep of his own. 

The symbiotic relationship seems to be at a disconnect.

He hears you clear your throat softly.

‘I’m off Saturday, but a bunch of us are going out then. Ellis and I- and… pretty much everyone who doesn’t have kids to put to bed. And I’m on call Sunday, so...’

‘Am I not invited?’

‘I was gonna ask, but I didn’t think you were doing bars yet. Or ever.‘ 

‘I can do a bar.’ He really shouldn’t. Not yet. He’s not far enough removed from it all. Or, that’s what the professionals would say. But he will abandon caution to not have to wait another month to see you. Risk relapsing one addiction to feed another.

On the other end of the phone, you’re worried for him. But you’re not his keeper. Just his friend. 

‘…Okay.’

-

Frank has a car. He’s always had a car. And it sits in the apartment complex lot getting dusty. You and him are usually going to the same place, anyways. Why double the air pollution? And, okay, he likes being your passenger princess a little bit. 

So, you and him take your car to the bar. 

You walk a little ahead of him in the parking lot, and he gets to sneak a full look at you tonight. You’ve got your hair down but tucked behind your ears. You have this big, bulky, leather men’s bomber jacket and you wear it everywhere, hands always finding their home in the pockets.  In one of the other pockets, you have a lighter and gum. The jacket is cropped shorter than most jackets, so he can see your ass move in your pants as you walk. Your boots don't make any noise anymore, weathered by the many years you’ve been wearing them.

He has the instinct to run up close to you and make you hold his hand the whole night. He doesn’t want to lose sight of you. But he knows he will have to at some point.

Together, you and Frank enter. He gets a couple of hugs from Collins and Mel. Abbot pats him once on the back. They’re surprised to see him there. He’s never come before. 

You settle into the quietest section of the bar you can. There’s a big open space for people to dance in front of a small platform where a band plays for the night, and already people have gathered there. 

‘Are you sure you’re okay? Being here?’ You ask him.

‘Yeah, I’m… It feels good to be out. With you guys.’

You catch up with everyone for a good thirty minutes. Then the clock strikes ten, and you order your first drink. 

‘We might have to leave the car here. Cuz I kinda want to get blitzed.’ You say to Frank, and though the bar is a little loud with the music and all, he’s right next to you, so you don’t have to yell.

‘So, if I stay sober, can I finally drive it?’ Your faces are close. Maybe six inches apart.

‘Mmyeah. But don’t do that. We’re celebrating.’

‘Is it someone’s birthday?’

‘No. It’s Frank Is Nine Months Sober From Benzos Today Day.’

‘Oh, yeah. A fully gestated sober-baby.’

‘A baby, huh? Can I be the daddy?’

‘If you’re the daddy, it’ll look like the third Addams family baby.’

‘Pubert. He has a little mustache, it’s cute.’

‘Should I grow one?’ Frank asks. He touches his upper lip. You can’t tell if he’s serious.

‘No.’

‘You just said it was cute!’

‘He’s a baby!’

‘Gomez has a mustache too.’

‘You are not Gomez.’

‘I could be.’ He shrugs with wide eyes and a goofy closed lip smile. Neither of you meant for it to happen, but the next thought is obviously… who’s going to be Morticia?

It’s no secret, really.

‘You know you’re not going to grow one. So I’m not pulling at this thread.’

‘Why is it such a sure thing?’

‘You don’t have the je nais se quoi required.’

‘That’s not convincing to me because I don’t speak french.’ 

There are two MDs between you, and you argue like middle schoolers.

‘Neither do I. This is beginners french. Si tu te laisses pousser la moustache, je devrai baise sur ton visage.’ You start to get up from your stool to go see Santos, who is sitting at a four top with Garcia and Walsh. They’re having their own separate general surgery clique conversation. 

‘Hey, was that as filthy as it sounded?’

‘No.’ And then you’re away.

-

You sit at the empty seat adjacent to Santos. She’s on her phone and nursing something clear.

‘Drunk yet?’

Her eyes light up when she sees you. She ignores your question because she has something much more interesting to ask you. ‘Hey, do you know your blood type?’

‘Yeah, O neg.’

‘Universal donor. You donate?’

‘Of course.’

She nods and shakes her head like she’s found herself getting off track, ‘Anyways, I had a patient today with RH null. Rarest blood type ever. There’s only like, fifty documented cases.’

‘Fifty-one now. What was wrong with him?’

‘He screwed his sister-in-law and his wife hit him with her car. He was pretty much okay, though. And thank god, because if he had needed a blood transfusion, it would’ve been over.’

‘We’re on the wife’s side, right?’

‘Oh, definitely. And he didn’t even press charges.’

‘That was smart of him.’

‘I had to get help on it. Cuz honestly, I didn't know enough about his special blood to not accidentally kill this guy.’

‘Wow, you would’ve never admitted that six months ago.’

‘Yup. I watched Forrest Gump last night. Discovered the preciousness of life.’

Yeah, she’s a little drunk. You laugh with your chest. ‘No, you didn’t.’ You giggle out, shaking your head. 

‘No, I didn’t. But I thought you’d want to know about the blood stuff.’ She smiles, visually pleased at your reaction.

‘How thoughtful of you.’

‘I know.’ Santos glances behind you at the rest of your coworkers and sees Frank. ‘I can’t believe he actually came.’

‘We came together.’

‘Huh? Like a date?’ Pfft. If you and Frank going somewhere together was a date, you’ve been on a lot of fucking dates.

‘No. We’re like, neighbors, I guess.’ You fiddle with the wrapper to her straw that’s been discarded on the table. 

‘What the hell? Since when?’

‘Nine months ago.’

‘Oh, god. Am I the last to find out?’ She cringes and almost whines.

‘You’re the only one to find out.’

She sighs audibly. Some in relief, some in disbelief at the situation.

‘Well— That’s so weird. Unless you’re fuckin’. Are- Are you eating that poor man alive?’

‘No, ma’am.’ You like the image she’s painted for you, like you’re a praying mantis biting off a man’s head after sex. Then, you remember Whitaker. ‘Are you eating Whitaker alive, then? You actually live together.’

‘Well, no. But I’m a lesbian.’ She heaves an exaggerated sigh, ‘I should stop putting so much faith in your horoscope.’

‘Uh- Yeah. I’m nothing like Abby.’

‘But… That’s a good thing, though. They’re divorced.’

‘Mmm… regardless, I’m a…’ You scratch your head and scrunch your nose, ‘…big investment, I think.’

‘Are you a stray cat?’

‘I mean, like, emotionally.’ You laugh.

‘Oh, and you think you’re special? Everyone on our floor is practically falling off the fuckin’ bone.’

She looks around at her coworkers and silently judges. You feel like she’s about to go on a tangent, so you recenter her.

‘What did the Zodiac say about today specifically?’

‘Ummm… Today, something about the fear instinct. Fight or flight. Horoscope says you’re fight.’

‘You still check mine?’ Even though I’m night shift now?

‘You’re the only person I trust to keep me reading them a secret.’

‘Aww. Thanks. My little scorpion.’ You kiss her on the cheek. She leans into it, and giggles lowly with a rasp. You find that you’re affectionate with Trinity. She’s not a touchy person. You’re not a touchy person, not easily. So, at the beginning, there was no expectation for it. That’s what makes it feel so comforting now. It’s like you’re doing exposure therapy for each other.

And— you sloppily made out in the bathroom of this bar many months ago. It’s a good foundation for a beautiful friendship with no boundaries.

She thinks for a moment, takes a big swig of her drink, then shrugs.

‘But, hey- look, fuck what the ‘scope says about fight or flight—’ She makes quotations with one hand, ‘Not everyone is either or. You can be neither. Some people are both.’

‘I’m suspicious of your tone. Like you know something I don’t.’ You poke at her.

‘We’re about to find out.’

‘What?’

She points with her lips behind you. You turn your head to see that Frank has found himself a skinny blonde. She’s sitting in the stool you had left open next to him. They’re faces are so close, like an open invitation to physical contact.

You flee.

‘I’m gonna go pee.’

-

You go outside to smoke a joint. You go out the back door and take three hits. You stay until you start to feel it. It takes five minutes.  When you come back, the blonde woman is still there. 

You approach the opposite side of the bar, trying to put distance between you and Frank. Trinity finds you there, like she’s been looking for you since you fled.

‘I need a shot.’ You say. Santos calls the bartender over and orders you one. Don Julio.

‘Sorry.’ Santos says eventually.

‘For what?’ You wipe your mouth with the back of your hand after the shot.

Santos realizes you are not drunk or high enough to be talking about this, and you will hold onto your denial until you can’t see straight. She narrows her eyes at you and opens her mouth a couple times like she’s about to inquire. But she cares for you. So for once in her life, she’ll have some tact. 

‘I asked the band to play that song you showed me.’

She drags you to the dance floor. You are stiff as a board at first, but then the shot takes it’s place in your blood and you feel comforted by her. She’s good to you. 

Your arms are around her neck and you sway back and forth. You are glad to not be alone. And you are glad to be distracted. It’s nice to be without him for a moment. To have someone to feel loved by, even if it’s not necessarily romantic.  

You start to come back to center, and the high settles deeper in your body. The places where you need most to feel at ease; back, shoulders, and jaw.

Maybe in another life, or time…

…You and Santos were something. But things are much too complicated. And if there’s a way forward for this, you can’t see it right now. You are both crushing on people you work with. That feels gross. But the person makes you feel anything but.

You wish the timing was right for you two. But some time ago, you were dealt a hand with Frank's name all over it. 

Maybe that could change. Fuck, you don’t know.

So, you don’t talk. You just enjoy your respite with a woman you admire dearly. Her fingertips don’t burn like when you dance with a man, because there’s no presumptions about getting laid being made.

‘You alright, Harker?’ She asks you, eyebrows peaked in concern. She can see you thinking, your own eyebrows dropped low and eyes zoned out.

‘Right now, yeah. Later, I don’t know. I never know.’ You make a sad smile like you wish you could change it too.

‘That’s okay. Just be drunk with me.’

She pulls you closer so you’re hugging, the sides of your faces touching as you oscillate together.

·:*¨༺ ♱ ✮ ♱ ༻¨*:·

The band starts to sing Like I Used To.

Will the marker stain the skin?

Stole the dress I saw you in

Now nothing comes to mind

Saw a life as override

One more session overdrive

The ceiling is the roof

While you and Santos were talking before, Frank sat with the rest of his coworkers as they made lively conversation around him. He actually enjoys his colleagues' company. He drinks but paces himself. He steals glances at you. 

Santos says something that makes you crack up. He hears your full laughter. He wishes it was silent in here so he could hear it unaccompanied. He wishes that Santos did not possess the ability to make you laugh like that at all.

That’s fucked up. Don’t wish that, he chastises himself.

His vision is suddenly blocked. A blonde joins him, and he is less than thrilled but glad to be distracted.

She scooches in close to him. She buys him a drink. She is very pretty, and interesting to talk to. She’s a programmer. You have to be really smart to do that.

He wishes all that was enough for him.

Now… you are swaying with Santos, attached to her by bare skin. And he is feeling very different. She is everywhere he wishes she wasn’t. Your arms are on her shoulders and slung around her neck and her hands are thrown on your waist and…

It burns Frank’s as he watches. He’s jealous. Does he have a reason to be? No, you aren’t his girlfriend. You’re friends with Santos? Right? You’re like, close, right? But this logic- it doesn’t deter him. The feeling is too vast, crossing over everything else.

He orders another drink. 

The music starts to sink into his bones and shreds him to ribbons.

He sees you, off his multiple drinks, through a series of memories from six months ago, shot to the heart via lyrics.

Change address and draw a line

Your voice on the other end of the line. 

Frank’s getting out of rehab soon. He’s reaching that ninety day mark steadily, and he needs to arrange for someone to pick him up.

He half expects you to not pick up. Then he remembers that you’re you, and if he misses you, you’ll just call back. 

‘Hello?’ You answer. He’s using the communal phone for this, so you probably don’t have this number saved, though he’s called you from here before.

‘It’s Frank.’

‘Oh, hey.’

‘Okay, so- basically, a week from now, my inpatient program is over. And I need someone to pick me up.’

‘What happened to your car?’

‘Abby took it home so it wouldn’t get towed.’

‘You really want the first thing you see out of rehab to be my shitty Buick?’

‘I don’t care. I’m just glad to leave. I’m gonna leave a Frank-shaped hole in the wall.’ You give him a chuckle for that. ‘And maybe I just want to see the smiling face of my dear friend. Did you ever think of that?’

‘Probably won’t be smiling but yeah, I’ll be there.’

‘At nine am.’

‘Nine am.’ You repeat back in concurrence.

‘Hey, don’t dress too much like an omen of death. I’m fragile.’

‘Well, if we’re making requests, please don’t dress like an undercover cop. Wait… no— never mind. That’s all you own.’

‘Bye.’ He rolls his eyes lightheartedly and hangs up.

Show my friends the silver line

You, leaning against your shitty Buick with sunglasses on and your hands in your jacket pockets. He’s walking out the doors of the rehab facility, and back into the world. Frank was in rehab for ninety days. He had a wife, and a house. Now he’s getting a divorce, and he and Abby are selling that house. It’s only the early stages of selling, so he still has a bed there, but he needs to start looking for new places now.

‘Hey.’ You say as he walks towards you with his bags. No smile but contentedness evident in your tone, ‘I’m here to pick up a newly-sober doctor with a pretty face. You seen him?’

‘Can I drive?’

‘Fuck, no.’

Call my family just to know they’re there

You, pulling out of the parking lot and into the nine am sunshine. You pull your car visor down to cast shade on your face.

‘Where are we going? I don’t exactly want to go home.’

‘We are going…’ You pull your bottom lip into your mouth, focusing on backing the car up. You look behind you to check your rear. ‘To my home.’

‘Aw, man. I’m not sleeping on your couch, am I?’ 

‘There’s an empty unit across from mine. I paid the first and last month’s rent.’

‘What? For- for me?’

‘For you.’ You keep your eyes on the road and make a turn, one hand crossing over the other. ‘Surprise.’

Sleeping in late like I used to

Frank almost leaves his stuff in the car. 

‘Hey. Bags.’ You remind him.

Right. 

He’s still a little confused.

Frank slings his backpack around his shoulder and you take his duffel bag. It’s fucking heavy. He’s high maintenance; he’s got aftershave and hair products and so many clothes stuffed in there. You don’t seem to be phased by the bag's weight. You’ve taken off your jacket since it’s nice out, and he gets to see your bicep flex and contract to carry his duffel.

You enter your apartment building and go up an elevator two floors without saying a word. Just the automated elevator voice saying Ground Floor, Floor two, Floor three.

That’s okay. You like the quiet. And you knew he’d be weird.

You turn the lock and open the door, gesturing for him to go in. He does, and he feels awkward. Like it’s not his place. But it is.

You show him. You show him every detail you find important. 

‘Welcome home, House.’ You grab his hand and pry it open, setting his new key in his palm.

‘Okay, so- it’s basically a carbon copy of my apartment.’ You start pointing in vague directions and he’s super overwhelmed, ’Kitchen. Bathroom. Shower with no tub.’ 

He notices you haven’t bothered to turn on the lights. The light comes through the windows that have no curtains yet. Your shadows are stark against the eggshell walls.

He keeps following you until you stop at a grey couch and a black entertainment center with a 45 inch TV on top.

‘This is Dana’s old couch. This is Perla’s old TV. Everything else… IKEA.’

You walk again, so he follows you again. Opening the door to the bedroom, you check behind you to see if he’s still there, because he’s been eerily quiet.

The bedroom opens to the cleanest bed he’s ever seen. No sheets. You haven’t picked out sheets for him. There’s no rug, no wall art, nothing personal. There’s a plain black nightstand with a plain white lamp. You’ve left it open for him to make his own.

‘Except… for this.’ You hold out your hands towards the bed like you’re Vanna White, ‘It’s a sleep number. For your fucked up back.’

You smile at him. Beaming, and he’s sure he’s rarely seen you with such excitement. Though it’s still restrained, not having found its way to your body. And the sunglasses are still on. 

He’s stunned. Unable to fathom.

‘How…’ He takes two steps into the room, and you’re behind him now, ‘…You did all this?’

Crossing my fingers like I used to

You, shrugging. ‘Soft place for you to land. Fresh start.’

‘Y/N…’ He sits on the edge of the bed. ‘Thank you. Really.’

‘Course.’ You shrug again, still smiling. He wants you to come sit down next to him.

You don’t. You won’t invite yourself to stay.

‘I don’t even know what to say.’ Frank runs his hand through his hair once and breathes out a brief, disbelieving laugh.

‘Say you like it.’

‘I love it.’

‘I’ll take you to get the rest of your stuff from Abby later-ish. Tomorrow, maybe. Take a shower. You smell like rehab.'

Waiting inside like I used to

You, before you’ve fully backed out the door.

‘Remember, first and last is paid for. The rest is all you. I’m not made of cash, you know?’ You joke.

‘You kinda are. You’re a doctor with no kids.’

‘So are you. Did you forget?’ You raise your brow at him like you're tough-love reassuring him that he’s still got a medical degree. You’re reassuring him he still has a place to be. And purpose. And help.

Avoiding big crowds like I used to

While he sits on the bed, the brand new bed, the very first thing he does is look up ‘sleep number price’.

On average,

They’re three thousand dollars.

Crawl the field and let you in

He starts to get hot. The rest of this specific memory is irrelevant. Because you are not there anymore.

Brand my heart I found you in

Frank lets the woman in front of him talk. He Mhm’s and Oh, Wow’s. He is busy watching you and Santos. 

Now nothing’s more apart

The blonde woman looks behind her to see who Frank has been staring at all night. She doesn’t know if it’s you or Trinity, but she loses interest in this clearly spoken for man. She walks away. 

He didn’t mean to scare her off. The woman’s name was Amy. He’ll never know.

Will my lover bе there, stay

Follow them to less the pain

The ceiling must be wrong

Lighting one up like I used to

Dancing all alone like I used to

Giving it up like I used to

Falling in love I like I used to

Frank waits in the hallway outside your door at 7 am the next morning. He’s waiting for you to get home. You round the corner, and at first glance you just see a 5’11 male figure loitering outside your apartment. There’s a stutter in your gait until you realize it’s him.

‘Holy Christ, you scared the fuck outta me.’

‘Didn’t mean to.’

‘I know.’ One corner of your mouth tilts up, and you stick your key into the lock. He follows you inside.

‘So- uh… Just to like, clarify… that mattress is very expensive.’

You huff facetiously, ‘Try not to count my money.’ Toeing your shoes off your aching feet, you let your bag drop to the ground and you shrug your jacket off as well. He follows you around to continue the conversation.

‘It’s multiple thousands.’

‘I’m a saver. Why do you think I still drive the car that I drive?’ You chuck your keys into a bowl on the kitchen counter.

‘You won’t buy yourself a car, but you’ll buy me a bed?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Three thousand can buy you a car that doesn’t rattle.’

‘Yes, I know, dickhead.’

‘Y/N, I don’t know if I’m worth all this. Especially after what I did.’

Open my heart like I used to

You're both standing in your kitchen. Frank is standing aimlessly and listlessly in the center, no wall to lean against, no chair to sit in where he is. He's just standing there like a little kid, arms at his side.

You've turned around at the last thing he said. You face him now, arms crossed over your chest and resting against the counter behind you, the sharp corner of it poking into your back.

‘Well, you can’t return the mattress, okay? It was a final sale.’

You really don't want to talk about this. The why and the when and the how. It might just lead you to somewhere weird for the both of you; the true foundation for your care laid bare.

But he's still standing there, so you guess you have to continue.

‘I… want this to be as seamless of a transition as possible. A lot is changing. You’re gonna go back to work soon and people are gonna… look at you sideways. For a while. It’s going to be okay, but it’s going to be different.’

What you’re saying is realistic and not sugarcoated… it feels sad and heavy. 

‘And not to monologue, but...’ It seems like you’re struggling to collect your thoughts and articulate them in the most detached way possible. 

You suppose… the world will move on without you if you keep choosing to stay quiet because it’s easier. You can’t hide the fact that you consider him anymore.

‘When I was struggling… If someone had helped me, I would’ve had a much easier time being good at my job. Instead, I was cold to it all because I was alone.’ 

Somehow, in your monologue, you manage to specify nothing about this struggle you had.

You have a gift here. You are so kind in this it’s almost cumbersome with quiet grief. You must’ve experienced something that made you empathetic to this— his addiction. He doesn’t know how else you’d show up with exactly what he needs. Maybe you went through something similar yourself. Maybe you lost someone. Addiction can be so many things. 

Maybe it wasn't an addiction at all. Just a chapter of your life you were poorer for. Some dark cloud hanging over you.

But something has broken you all apart and pieced you back together different.

‘I did all this because… I want you to get back to who you are. Who you are is…— a doctor. Focus on that. The rest will follow.’

You expect him to have something to say, irritating and vocal as he is. 

But he just listens. So you keep talking in the space he’s opened up.

‘And, y’know I didn’t want to have to say this, but since—apparently—you need convincing; I’ve never been able to spoil anyone I cared about before. I never had the funds, and— when I did, there was no one who needed taking in like a stray. So, let me do this. Okay? God, it’s like pulling teeth.’

Frank doesn’t say anything. After a while, he just nods. A smile rises to his face slowly. You’re very vehement about this. It feels good for someone to be vehement about you. You smile back at him in the way you do, like you’re annoyed by the act. 

You sigh, a weight lifted off your shoulder, spewed into the air. Then, you slant your eyes at him.

‘Why start an argument if you’re not even gonna try?’ You say.

He’s falling in love.

Making out long like I used to

Holding hands openly, rights to

Taking what’s mine like I used to

The song ends, and his attention is drawn to people clapping for the band. Your coworkers clap. Frank takes a beat. Half-drunk and set to implode, he claps eventually.

When he looks back, you have vacated the dance floor.

-

Frank wanders outside for some air. The door closes behind him with a slam, and then the sound from inside is muffled and contained. He gulps in a big breath of fresh air.

‘Hello.’

The sudden voice jolts him, expecting to be alone.

Frank turns around quickly to see you leaning against the brick wall of the building, holding a cigarette. Your back and butt are against the brick and both your legs shoot out at an angle in front of you. The top of your hair is lit up by the streetlamp above you. The beginning of a smile dusts your face at his shock.

‘Oh. Hey.’

‘What’re you doin’ out here?’ He inquires. Your face relaxes back to a furrow in the brow and an effortless frown in your eyes. Like you were making your face neutral before to signal to him you aren’t a threat, even though you are above him in the food chain. He walks over and parks himself to your left, mirroring your position exactly.

‘I’m always out here. I just say I’m going to the bathroom.’ You take a drag and blow it away from him, though he can still smell it, and it doesn’t smell like a cig. He realizes it doesn’t look like a cig either, really.

‘Is that weed?’

You nod, and you think for a second.

Then,

‘I don’t like being drunk. So, I figured… smoke, come back in. Have as much fun as everyone else is having.’

‘That’s true. I’ve rarely seen you drink.’

‘Mhm.’

‘Why don’t you like being drunk?’

‘I make less-than-desirable decisions.’

‘Like what?’

‘Settle down. You ask a lotta questions.’

He just desperately wants to know every part of you.

‘C’mon, what’s the worst decision you’ve ever made off the bottle?’

‘Probably… drive my car. Total it. But aside from that… I saw one too many of my friends blackout for it to be interesting to me anymore. Depending on the person, you just… you can just lose it. You lose your restraint. I need my restraint.’

‘Oh.’

You glance over to find him looking like he’s thinking very hard.

‘Weren’t expecting that, huh?’

‘Uh-uh.’ He shakes his head. 

‘I’ll take a shot, though. Jane Eyre says I’d rather die happy than dignified.’

‘Actually, I guess it does kinda fit? Being surrounded by a cloud of smoke does make sense for a girl like you.’

‘A girl like me?’ You smile as your left brow goes up in question.

‘Yeah.’

‘And what’s that?’

‘Y’know.’ He shrugs, and gestures to your face, and down to the rest of you, how you’re all balled up, arms cradling you. And back up to your face. ‘Scary.’

‘Ohhhh. Okay. And we prefer to be called women, by the way. Not girls.’

‘Mmm.’ He puts his hands in his front pants pockets.

A moment passes, and you don’t take another pull from the joint, and he lets the silence ride for a while. There’s vibrations from the music playing inside to pad the moment that’s already fuzzy from drugs and alcohol.

Trying to get his next question out is like tearing skin from bone.

‘Do you like her?’ It’s blunt. 

‘Who?’

‘Santos.’

‘N- well… she likes Ellis.’

‘Wasn’t my question.’ 

‘No, I don’t.’ It’s a bit of a lie. You’ll always love her in a way that spills over a little. You don’t know if you’re willing to tell anyone something so sensitive, though. ‘I did. We had a thing. But those are fleeting.’

Yeah, not to him.

‘C’est la vie.’ Such is life, you say.

‘Blegh.’ He feigns disgust, ‘Too much French tonight.’

‘Lots of words are French, you just don’t realize. Cuz you’re uncivilized.’

He stays quiet. Expectantly.

‘Blouse.’ You poke the sleeve of his shirt. ‘Brunette.’ You point at his hair. 

‘Are you schooling me right now?’ He tries. You pay no mind to him.

‘Bachelor.’ You motion with the hand that holds your joint, up and down to his entire person like he had when he called you scary.

Frank thinks for a moment and shifts on his feet. ‘Touché?’ 

You start to hee-hee giggle and he follows. Not because it’s super funny. But maybe just because it’s him and it’s stupid. And he’s laughing because you’re laughing. And you’re both intoxicated! It feels giddy for a while, warmth blooming in both of your chests. 

‘And you? How’d it go with that girl in there?’

‘Mmm. Bad. Yeah… not good.’ He shudders a bit like he'd like to forget all that.

‘You fucked it up?’

‘No- umm… not my type.’ He rubs at his brow.

‘What is?’

He looks down at his feet. He shifts his weight back and forth.

‘Brown eyes.’

‘Ah.’

‘Black hair.’ You look up at him. He looks up at you.

Is he…? 

‘S-…’ His throat catches on the word.

‘…Scary.’

You freeze, the joint between your fingers stopping an inch from your face. 

You must be cross-faded from the shot you took.

You push off the wall, coming to stand completely on your feet. You start to feel that anxious feeling bloom, starting at your chest and spreading as far as you go. He watches you dutifully and lets you have your moment, impatient as he is.

You hide behind your hands for a second and pretend he's not there at all. You press your fingertips into your eyes.

‘What are you thinking?’ He asks quietly, drunk confidence wearing off.

‘I’m thinking I’m fuckin’ high.’ You look at the joint in your hand to see how much of it you’ve actually burnt through. Little more than you thought.

‘You’re not that high.’

‘Christ. I’m higher than I thought. I gotta go home, man.’ You start towards the parked car and he stops you by grasping you by the biceps softly.

‘Hey- no…’

‘What’d you say? Just a second ago?' You interrupt him, 'What were you telling me? Cuz I think I got it all wrong.’

‘I’m in love with you.’ He says, taking a sharp inhale after it’s finally out.

He doesn't know how much more straight forward he can be. He just wants you to know, and he wants to know back. Whichever way you respond, he wants the pining to be over with. He needs to get over you.

If it’s necessary. If you’ll let him.

‘Uhh…’ He's got a hold of you, so you have no choice but to look right at him. You look for the signal that he's being facetious. Or that he's blackout drunk. He looks... remarkably serious.

‘And I miss you. And I want you to come back to day shift. And I need you to know now, because… I feel like I’m gonna lose my shit being across the hall from you.’

‘What the fuck? No, you’re not.’ There’s the fight.

‘Why not?’

You’re shocked into silence again. Because you don’t know the answer.

He lets go of you and steps back a little, giving you space.

‘Look, you’re having trouble with this. I understand. It’s a grenade. And I wasn’t-‘ He rubs at his eyes and groans softly, ‘I did not plan on doing this tonight, but then I had two screwdrivers and a beer.’

‘Would you believe me if you were in my shoes?’ You’re not yelling at each other, but it’s getting there. It’s just… charged.

‘Yes! We’re good together.’

‘Stop.’ You sound annoyed. And he's beginning to feel offended that you aren't taking any of this seriously.

‘Why? You don’t feel the same?’

‘I feel…’ You drop the joint out of your hands and watch it burn a little longer on the ground.

‘I… feel…’ It seems you can’t bring yourself to say it. To say anything, one way or another. ‘I feel like you only want me because I was dancing with someone else.’

‘You- you think I’m jealous?’

‘I don’t know!’

Okay, now you’re yelling at each other.

‘Fine, I am!’

‘And you’re fuckin’ drunk!’

‘That’s such bullshit.’

‘Then why haven’t I heard anything about this before?’

‘Because I was married!’ Oh, my god, you do not want to talk about that.

‘And then I was caught out for being a druggie! Oh, yeah,’ His midwesterner accent slips out, ‘Let’s do it then! No- There’s- there’s no good time for this!’

He puts his hand on his hip, unsure what to do with his hands, exasperated and discouraged at your stubbornness.

‘Wait-‘ You remember what was going on in there, and suddenly you are even more angry at his hypocrisy, ‘You were in there with a blonde in your lap? But you’re mad at me for dancing with our mutual friend?’

Fight.

'I'm not mad!' He says, voice raised. Obviously not mad.

‘Oh, fuck off.’ You turn away, angry in your own way.

‘You fuck off!’

You spin around back to him with vigor.

'Look at you! Look at yourself, Langdon.' You hold a hand out at him, fingers flattened and all pointing at him.

He tries to check himself at that. He’s jittery and tipsy and rife with adrenaline and… a mess. He looks to the ground, tries to catch his breath, runs a hand down his face, and brings himself back as far down as he can get. Drunk and all.

‘Haven’t you ever heard that to get over someone, you have to get under someone else?’

You gawk at him, mouth open with a scoff in incredulity. Eyebrows coming down like a guillotine. That’s abruptly bold of him to say. And very clear. You look away from him and put your hands in your pockets. You’re retreating. He takes a step towards you, it makes your gaze snap back to him like you’re keeping your eye on a stranger.

Frank doesn’t want to be a stranger. He can feel you closing up. He’s getting scared. He’s going to start grasping at straws soon.

‘So, you’re jealous, too? Because of that random lady? You don’t have to be. That’s so stupid. You have me.’

You don’t like that he knows you’re jealous now. Like he has power over you. It feels like an exposed nerve. A button to be pushed at will. You just stare at him with your slightly agape mouth. But you don’t deny it, and with that, his flickering hope stays alight.

You snuff the joint out for good with the toe of your boot.

I need my restraint.

‘I’m going home.’ You scratch your head and realize you have to take him too, ‘Are you ready to go home?’

Flight, again.

‘No! Harker!’ His tone says We are not done here! Frank gets the sensation that everything is falling apart in this foreign place. He misses who he was before he got caught. He’s scratching and crawling to get back there. Just- sans drugs and with you.

He knew this would be hard to convince you of. It was hard enough to earn your friendship in the early days. But he’s started. So he’ll see it through.

He’ll try.

‘Then I’m leaving you here.’ You stomp towards the car.

‘Fine. Fuck.’ Frank is frustrated. He’s wounded. He gets in and slams the car door.

-

·:*¨༺ ♱ ✮ ♱ ༻¨*:·

The ride is quiet the whole time. It’s a warm night, and it feels like it might rain early in the morning tomorrow, so it’s just starting to get humid. You’ve rolled the windows down, and you have the AC on. Generally, this is counter-productive. But everything feels so restricting to you right now. You want to slice a cut into your skin and crawl out of it anew like a lizard. You try to feel the wind and the manufactured air. It’s warm, it’s cold, it’s physical. It’s something to grab onto.

You have your left arm bent and sat on the open window. The hand is balled into a fist and at your temple, like you should be resting your head against it. But you do not rest, your neck is tense and knotted, keeping your head straight and eyes on the road. 

Don’t look at him, you remind yourself.

Frank Langdon has been watching you. As he is wont to do. Your hair blows in the wind, and as streetlights fly by, they illuminate each strand. The light peeks through the gaps between tresses, lighting up your side profile. 

Frank started this car ride out the same as you. Perturbed and not knowing where you stand. Scared of what was in the atoms in the air between you. Now, every minute that passes by, his neck cranes and he faces you more and more. And every bit of anger you both feel, for whatever reason, is tamped down in this car. And all there is is time to think.

Earlier tonight, in the back lot of the bar, his mouth opened and words came out. He can’t put the words back. You can’t unknow what you now know. Frank can feel the weight of what he’s done. But you’re still there, his captive audience. There’s still a chance. You have laid all your spindly roots in him, thorned and black, and so grows something unruly. He can’t contain it anymore.

‘I love you.’ These are the first words spoken.

‘Langdon.’ You warn. The hand that’s steering the car wrings the wheel. Just be quiet, please. If we are both quiet, and nothing else is said, we can blame it on the weed and the liquor. Though, you’ve sobered a lot by now.

Frank has not. He's still tipsy. And you are so pretty. And there is so much more to say.

You start to cry. Quiet and stone faced, except your brow, which furrows and peaks with each wave of tears. You’re okay to cry in front of him. You’re just scared of what you’ll say, and what you’ll expose of yourself. What you’re scared to say is that this feels eerily similar to getting your hopes up for something that’s fake. Or doomed.

You’re scraped and bruised from the past. From words too cruel to stand. It's showing now, your drum of a heart sending blood to float it to the surface. And you can see him in your periphery watching you like a puppy.

He sees the change in your face and the tears come down. Over the brim of the eyes and trailing down under your jaw. He waits a moment. And then, again,

‘I love you.’ It’s quieter this time, ‘Why are you crying?’

‘Because…’ Though it pains you with every word, you manage, ‘I feel like this is all one big joke.’ 

‘I wouldn’t do that to you.’ He assures. It’s quick.

‘You’re like, important to me, y’know? I don’t wanna… I’m scared.’ You still haven’t looked at him. Your fingers come off the steering wheel a little bit, adjusting restlessly, and your eyes blur with more tears. You blink them out and down your cheeks.

‘Y/N.’

‘What?’ You raise your voice just a bit, distressed at his persistence.

‘I would never do that to you. I love you.’

‘Why do you keep-’

‘Because I’ve been wrestling with it for months. I just wanna…- Just let me say it.’

You turn the wheel to the right all of a sudden. You pull over to the side of the road, and he thinks you’re going to kick him to the curb. 

Instead, you just sit there for a minute. You turn the car off, and the AC goes with it. Your hand drops from the top of the steering wheel to the bottom, hanging there. You think to yourself that… not an hour ago, you were thinking you could never imagine you and Frank together realistically after seeing him with the woman at the bar. 

You’re starting to imagine. A seed is planted.

‘Months?’ You look at him finally, and he’s got the side of his face against the headrest, dutifully holding you in his gaze. 

He nods. His hands lay in his lap relaxed and face up.

‘I- I’m all fucked up. My paint is peeling. I’m a bitch. And I’m not easy to live with.’ You try to warn him off. He swears he’s never seen brown eyes look so blue.

‘Harker, It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done.’ You cover your face with both hands for the second time tonight. You’re overwhelmed. ‘I’m an addict. I got divorced before thirty-five. And I’m a bitch, too.’

He pries one of your hands off your face. He puts both hands around it. You drop the other one to look at him.

‘Don’t you feel it?’ He brings your knuckles to his mouth, kissing it once, and then holding your hand, curled and tensed, against his chest. ‘Don’t you feel this?’

He’s starting to get circles under his eyes. They’re wet. You can see how you’re hurting him. You stare at him for probably thirty seconds. Could be much shorter. Time feels wonky here. He holds your gaze the whole time. You need to end his misery, even if the jump is terrifying to you. 

This could all end horribly, the devil on your shoulder whispers at you. But him, right in front of you… his face is telling you he does not care. Let it end horribly. Just let me show you how good it can be right now. 

Your chin quivers. You lick your lips for something you’ve never tasted before. You press your forehead to his, and you both close your eyes at the contact. It’s the beginning of something. Frank doesn’t know what yet; a rejection, an embrace, an I don’t know.

But you do. You know.

‘You know I do.’ You utter softly, heart beating in your ears.

You are deathly afraid. He breathes out in choppy puffs like he’s about to audibly sob, stomach twisted in knots. But he doesn’t. 

‘God, that feels good.’ He whispers. Cars and their headlights pass by your pulled-over one. The passengers of those cars have no idea there’s a whole world opening up here. It’s a complicated thing, but it’s hopeful to know something like this can happen even here, even in the back lot of the bar.

And if you trace your finger along the red string all the way back to the beginning, the first time you stepped foot into the Pitt. Robby introduced you to the current cast of doctors, and Frank can’t remember what the first thing you said to him was, but it was surely something short, sharp, and effective. Sharper than whatever snarky thing he’d said. Probably something like Hey, I didn't know the Pitt took transfers from Transylvania.

And you took a quick look at him up and down, and probably said something like…

Well, they take interns from Pleasantville.

And now, three— almost four years later, you still talk to him just like that. The only thing that’s changed within your dynamic is that he loves you now.

And… you love him too (?). He wants to be sure.

‘Can you say it?’ He asks of you, eyes still closed. God, he never stops.

‘I love you.’ You have little trouble saying the words. You’ve let it all go. The settings have already been turned over to Yes, I feel the same. ‘Okay?’

‘Okay.’ He says. You lean forward and plant a wet, closed-mouth kiss on him. He deserves it. He stuck it out.

‘Are you happy now?’

He is happy. But do not be fooled; he will never be kissed enough times by you to be fully satiated.

‘Yes. Let’s go home.’

As you start the car again, Frank lets his hand fall to your thigh. He tucks your fallen hair behind your ear so he can see you the whole way home.

You move back to day shift a week later.

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The Winchesters: A Post-Mortem

Endings are hard.

I’ve been dicking around, and as I wrapped up another Supernatural rewatch, I finally decided to follow through on something I’ve been threatening to do for a while: watch The Winchesters.  Since the show is dead, done, and dusted, I feel okay about it because now it feels like it’s just some obscure piece of lost media and I’m not actually, you know, supporting it.

I think we have a hard time letting stories end, especially when they have been with us for so long.  We live in an age of reboots and endless spinoffs.  The Winchesters is an interesting case because when the flagship show ended, viewers had all their own feelings about it, but it was over and they knew it was over.  Dead, done, and dusted.

Not so much.

As you know, on June 24th, 2021, about seven months after the end of Supernatural, Jensen Ackles announced his spinoff The Winchesters, produced by his and his wife’s new production company, Chaos Machine.  Robbie Thompson would be heading the project, and it would be telling the “epic love story” of Sam and Dean Winchester’s parents.  We’ve already established that there’s no story here, and no matter how you twist it you will never convince me there is – at least, not in the way they wanted to tell it.  Diehard fans and conspiracy theorist Hellers seemed to end up being its primary audience, but considering its low viewership numbers, I don’t think it ended up attracting many people outside of the established fandom, and was thus canceled. 

This was not a story people cared about.

This fact did not seem to matter to the good people at Chaos Machine and The CW.

Luckily for me, there are only thirteen episodes, and I have nothing better to do, so I am here to present my autopsy of The Winchesters.

The pilot moves so fast.

The Winchesters begins with Samuel Campbell, Mary’s father and Sam and Dean’s grandfather, who we know from the original show.  In the prequel, he’s played by Tom Welling, not Mitch Pileggi, but he’s a mere shadow when we first see him, so we can’t tell yet how poor the casting is.  All that matters is that we know he’s gone missing, and Mary wants to find him.

Immediately, the cold open of the pilot pales in comparison to the flagship program’s pilot.  It really does feel like a cold open to any run-of-the-mill episode of Supernatural.  It doesn’t create that same intrigue as the Supernatural pilot does.

But that brings us to one of the show’s central problems, and it’s something that shows up almost immediately: it is a poor attempt at rehashing the original, filled with Easter eggs that the casual viewer wouldn’t have gotten or cared about.

Right after that, we get the copycat title card and then a sort of awkward transition to John’s homecoming.  He’s having PTSD flashbacks to his time in Vietnam, his tour having just finished, and goes home to see his mother (whose name I don’t even think is mentioned in the pilot, not until the second episode, so I think anyone wasn’t isn’t familiar with the original show might be a little confused.) 

But this is where we hear him: Dean Winchester.

“March 23, 1972.  The day Dad came home from the war, and the day he met Mom.  Now I know this story might sound familiar, but I'm gonna put the pieces together in a way that just might surprise you.  And in order to do that, I have to start all the way at the beginning.”

Um.  Okay.

I’m going to tell you what this is, and it’s really very simple: it’s a justification.

Genuinely, I think these voiceovers are one of the worst things about the show.  Now, Dean isn’t exactly a poet, and even Sam teased him for some of his corny lines, but these bookends are…beyond poorly written.  Just strings of cliches put together, and the first one is the worst one because what it is attempting to do is justify this show’s existence within its very text.

As anyone who is familiar with the situation knows, when the prequel was announced, there was very public backlash – including from Jared Padalecki, who not only played protagonist Sam Winchester in the original show, but was not looped into any of this…at all.  He found out at the same time the rest of us did, and it was pretty clear from the reaction that his was the majority opinion.

The thing about this little intro from the pilot is that it’s not really Dean talking here – it’s Jensen.  It’s Danneel Ackles and Robbie Thompson trying to justify the fact that this show even exists.  That exact sentiment showed up in several press releases and interviews for the show.  Whoever was being spoken to, they’d be like “Oh, we’re gonna surprise you!  It’s not what you think!”

The thing is, the prequel is:

Not surprising

Doesn’t exactly start at the beginning.  That’s misleading.

(“I’m gonna put the pieces together in a way that just might surprise you.”  Jesus Christ, shut up.)

The pilot does do something I appreciated, though, which was to acknowledge that John enlisted underage by forging his father’s signature.  This could have been interesting, but they drop it pretty fast.

I know pilots sort of need to hit the ground running to prove their case, but if we’re going to use the original show’s pilot as a point of comparison, it’s incredibly weak.  Not only were there rumored production issues and they apparently had to do reshoots, forcing them behind schedule for the rest of their run and putting immense pressure on the cast and crew, but it’s simply lacking.  In the original pilot, we are given enough glimpses of the Winchester backstory to make the rest of the pilot interesting.  Sam and Dean are brothers and therefore have history, a dynamic – though strained at the time – and an undeniable chemistry that intrigues us enough to keep us watching.  With the Woman in White, we get an idea of what it is the family does and what Sam has run away from, while giving the episode a plot that isn’t yet mired in the show’s mythology.

The Winchesters doesn’t have that.  What we have is John and Mary, and while a lot of people were rightfully confused as to why they – of all the characters on the original show – would be the ones to get a spinoff, the fact is that they did.  Truthfully, while they would not have been my first choice, if treated properly, I believe John and Mary’s lives before the show could have potential.

What we know about John and Mary from the original show is that they were brought together by a Cupid from Heaven in order to ensure the birth of Sam and Dean, so that Michael and Lucifer would have vessels for the Apocalypse.  In fact, the Cupid states that John and Mary couldn’t stand each other beforehand, but I guess when they bumped into each other outside of Slaughterhouse Five (which does happen in the spinoff’s pilot), I guess we’re to assume that’s when Cupid’s arrow struck and they fell in love.

Basically, their love is…not natural.  It would not have been something they chose for themselves without divine intervention.  The prequel doesn’t hint at this at all.  Instead, the prequel has John and Mary immediately thrust together and John introduced to the world of the supernatural and the Men of Letters and on his first case all in those 42 minutes.

These are not John and Mary.  Not the ones that we could be made to truly care about.

The John and Mary we know are much more complex.  They are interesting, and flawed.  We know from season 12 that Mary was sometimes sneaking out on hunts, even after Dean was born.  We know that John and Mary would sometimes separate for a few days at a time, maybe even longer, probably because what they had for each other was not true love, but something divined by Chuck/God and the angels in order to carry out their plans.  They were pawns, especially when it came to them as a couple.  A story where Mary is struggling to keep her former life a secret while John is dealing with his post-service life, all while trying to be a couple and having these moments of realizing they don���t really know or love each other could have been a good premise.  Instead, what they present is instead just sort of…confusing.

After the pilot, there are a series of Monster of the Week episodes.  This is all supposed to be John’s intro to hunting and the true coming together of the Scooby Gang.  This version of John and Mary are thrown together with Latika (she’s the pacifist who does all their research), Carlos (he’s the stereotypically slutty, sassy bisexual), and Ada (the wannabe witch who’s older than them and I guess sort of a mentor?  Maybe?), and along with John’s mom, Millie, we’re told that they’re this big, happy found family.

Lots of telling and not showing here.  In all honesty, John and Mary don’t have great chemistry, and that is not intentional.  (I’m actually not gonna blame this one on the acting, at least not wholly, but I’ll get more into that later.)  John is saying that he can’t live without Mary within something, like, three episodes.  Honestly, he’s got better chemistry with Latika in the pilot than he does Mary.  Actually, I’d say he has better chemistry with pretty much all the other main characters – Latika, Carlos, and Millie – than he does Mary, and that is interesting.  Ya know why?  It’s because it makes John feel like the protagonist.  And John is the closest thing to a Sam-like character we get in this show.

We learn early on that the Big Bad is something called the Akrida, which are these weird, poorly CGI’d spider-looking things (all of the budget on this show went to music and reshoots, I swear), and they are out to destroy the universe – and not just this universe; all the universes are at stake, so it feels like the show is trying to play off what the original program was doing in its last few seasons.  (Which, weren’t all but Earth One destroyed anyway?  Or something like that?)

This is a big thing.  It feels…too big.  The first season of the original show did a good job of building to the reveal of Yellow Eyes, and they let that story breathe with the Special Children in the second season.  We saw that while Sam and Dean were experienced, they were still novices in a sense, in over their heads, and did a lot of learning and had to figure out how to work together again.  We don’t get that feeling here.  They’re too good too fast.

xXx

In the tenth episode, John and Mary go up against a Golem.  The Golem is under the control of a former Man of Letters who performed experiments on humans, and under the guise of helping them defeat the Akrida, he wants to use John and Mary to bring back what the Akrida took from him: his wife, who was killed by them in the late fifties.

When John and Mary dispose of the bodies at the end of the episode, John thinks what the Man of Letters was doing was out of love, trying to bring her back, but Mary says that he was only doing it for himself – that he was being selfish.  And then she asks John if she thinks they’ll ever turn out like that.

Immediately, this seems to be an assertion that what Mary did in the original show – making the deal with Azazel after he killed her parents and John to bring John back – was this awful, selfish thing.  That saving the only person she had left, the only person she could save (because she wanted Azazel to bring back her parents, too), was inherently wrong.  This seems to ignore the fact that Mary had no idea what the repercussions of the deal would be.  All she knew was that the demon was going to “pay her a visit”, whatever that was supposed to mean (probably assuming he would come to collect her soul as usual), and all she wanted was to save just one person, and that was the man she believed she loved.

I know we’ve established that John and Mary’s love was contrived, but to Mary, she believed she did love him, and it is ridiculous to think that her saving him was something that makes her inherently bad, or selfish, or unloving, as the prequel seems to imply.  She could not have known that Azazel would do what he did to her, to Sam, and to their family.  She didn’t even know there would be a Sam and Dean!  She was nineteen years old!

And yet, the prequel takes this opportunity to vilify her.  The fandom already did enough of that.  When Mary made her return in season 12, her character endured endless misogynistic takes.  When even Dean said it was ridiculous of him to expect her to tuck him in and make his lunch, the fandom still didn’t want to accept it.

Mary is a complex character.  She was dealt as shitty a hand as any other character, but still had to absorb a lot of blame.  Oh, god forbid she struggle to adjust to the 21st century, and having adult children, and not being dead anymore, and learning what the consequences of her actions were.  She clearly felt immense guilt for the hurt that was brought on her family, which was something she would have never intentionally done.  She wanted her and her family to be safe and did the best she could with the information and resources she had.  God forbid a woman be complex or have flaws or be anything less than the perfect mommy to her adult sons.  (Who – again – were not as upset about that as the fucking fandom was.)

And now the prequel is piling onto her, too.  Our Mary is better!!  Shut the fuck up.

xXx

The prevailing sentiment I had when watching this show was that none of it mattered.  The plot, the characters, the monsters…none of it mattered.  Not as a story, and not as it related to the original show.  It doesn’t even really succeed at doing what it really set out to do, but we’ll get to that later.

Like I mentioned, the Akrida feel like a really big Big Bad for the first season of a show.  Ultimately, what the Akrida are, are a failsafe for Chuck.  Basically, they were his backup plan if he were to ever cease to be and they would carry out his plan to finish destroying all the universes he had created.  I guess those of us who watched the original show are supposed to gather that he created these Akrida sometime around season 15, when he started getting rid of all those other universes.  And, since the Winchesters and Jack defeated Chuck at the end of season 15 and Jack took over as God, these creatures are supposed to come in and finish what Chuck couldn’t.

Alright.  A little convoluted, but I can follow it.  It’s how the spinoff attempts to connect itself back to the main show’s plot.

But, wait a second – I thought this was the epic love story of John and Mary!

Let me just say this: this is not a love story.  The love story in the show is pretty weak.  Like I mentioned earlier, the show moves so fast, which means John and Mary’s relationship moves incredibly fast, and the show makes no indication that this is because of any Cupid effects (but maybe they knew the clock was ticking and they didn’t have a good chance at renewal.)  We get no sense of how much time has passed here.  I’m being told I should care about this relationship, but I don’t because of how little effort the writing puts into not only developing this relationship, but the characters themselves.  So it’s hard for me to say that the love story matters in any way.

Then there’s John and Mary’s searches for their fathers.  Those of us who have seen the original show know that Henry Winchester died in the future killing Abadon.  We also know that Samuel Campbell first died when he was killed by Azazel in 1973, and then in season six after being resurrected by Crowley to help him search for alphas.  After the show opens with Samuel going missing and Mary starting the search for him (which just doesn’t pack the same punch as the search for John), Samuel’s presence in the show after they find him is negligible.  For one thing, he’s not a great portrayal of Samuel, and doesn’t even look like him – not a bit.  That part isn’t as important, of course, but it does still take you out of it a bit.  This Samuel is still sort of a jerk, but it just feels like he’s sort of…there.  So when they find him, it doesn’t feel like a big deal.

John’s search for Henry is carried out a little better.  The reason for John deciding to go home to Lawrence after returning from Vietnam is because a Mystery Man (who we all know is Dean) gave him a letter that Henry had left for John before his passing.  It leads John to finding an old Men of Letters clubhouse in Lawrence, which he and his new friends use as a base throughout the show and is a resource for them in learning about and fighting the Akrida.  When John finally does see Henry as a ghost (the result of a séance similar to the one Sam and Cas perform to contact Bobby in season 10), Henry is once again portrayed by Gil McKinney, like he was in the original show.  That does help.  Henry is mostly there to give them information to help them with the Akrida, but it does give John and Millie a sense of closure, unlike in the original show, where John spent his whole life not knowing what happened to Henry and hating his guts.

This all happens in the seventh episode – the show’s midseason finale: both John and Mary get answers on their fathers.  It’s supposed to be the episode where all these things start to come together.  Mary finds Samuel, John and Millie find Henry (sort of), we get some answers on the Akrida, and John and Mary kiss.  Woohoo.

After that, there are another few Monster of the Week episodes with Big Bad plot running alongside it, just like in the original show.  It follows a similar structure.  The episode with Richard Speight, Jr. as Loki (not sure if it’s supposed to be the real Loki or Gabriel as Loki, but probably the latter?) is maybe the worst one.  Loki/Gabriel just comes off as an annoying caricature, the plot and his scheme are just sort of confusing, and there’s just…way too much singing.  Part of Carlos’s story is that he wanted to be a musician, and he and his former bandmate do some singing, and the songs don’t even sound as if they fit the time period, so.  That’s awesome.

Carlos is also subjected to more humiliation when in an episode with vampires – and I’m sure those in the know already know where this is going! – he has Latika douse his hair in holy water and he whips it around to splash it on the vampires.  Like…since when are vampires affected by holy water?  Not only is the physics of it stupid (it would be so inefficient to have to be constantly whipping your head around, just fucking squirt them with a water bottle or the water gun Carlos used in the pilot), it’s just not even right.  It’s incorrect within the show’s own mythology.

The penultimate episode is a creepy clown episode.  I will say, the clowns are sort of creepy, but maybe that’s just because I agree with Sam about clowns just being inherently creepy.  It’s an okay case, I guess.  This is also the episode with Rowena.  Ada is trying to find some sort of magical way to deal with the Akrida, and she stumbles into a witch club where Rowena finds her.  Ruth McConnell does what she does, and it’s hard to complain about Rowena because she always plays her well.  She does give Ada the magic to use against the Akrida in return for a bonzai tree that has a demon trapped in it (I know, I know) because the bonzai demon has information on her son.  (Who we know is Crowley, but he doesn’t get a namedrop here, and there’s no further explanation there.  I guess it’s possible Rowena could have known in the seventies that Crowley/Fergus was a demon or otherwise had something to do with demons and hell, but when she sees him in season 10 for the first time, she doesn’t recognize him.  I do think that can be written off as him just being in a new vessel, though, so I’ll give this one a pass.)  Of all the guest stars they brought on from the original show, Ruth/Rowena is by far the best, both in performance and purpose.  She shows Ada how to kill Akrida using magic, but doing so kills off a bit of her soul, similar to the magic used to resurrect Jack in season 14.

And then it’s the finale.  Just like that.  In the final episode, they go up against the Akrida and their queen.  In order to kill them, they either need to use the magic Rowena showed Ada, or they need to use something from another world.  They connect with a hunter, Joan Hopkins, who has been in contact with Dean/Mystery Man, who she has thrown into the portal and destroyed after months of him staying ahead of her, and no living thing can survive the portal (the portal being the thing that the Akrida use to destroy worlds.)  John and Mary find out this hunter is actually the queen.  She and her family have hunted with the Campbells for generations, and we find out that Joan was actually born in 1673 and after losing her entire family and her husband, she turned on humankind and imbued herself with monster essence.  She claimed monsters weren’t the problems, but humans for always needing saving, making it so hunters always paid the price for protecting them.  She was made the Akrida queen when she was cast out of her world, and she is helping them carry out Chuck’s final mission of wiping the universe of universes of humanity.  And now, Joan/the Queen is at full power, and will open up the portal to finish the destruction.

In the end, there’s this battle, and all our new friends are there fighting the Akrida, and they use this thing called the Ostium in an attempt to summon something from another world to kill the Queen, the Ostium being the only thing known to be capable of doing such a thing.  They use Dean/Mystery Man’s journal to try to summon him, but nothing happens at first, leading them to conclude that the Mystery Man is dead.

And then – as we all know – the Impala appears.

Mary realizes the Impala is not from their world, and therefore can be used to kill Joan.  With the portal open, she runs Joan over with the car, but also ends up accidentally going through the portal, which as we know, no living thing can survive.  Womp-womp.

But wait!  The Impala reappears, and inside it is a living Mary – and Dean Winchester.

Apparently, the Impala somehow protected her (I don’t know how, it’s not explained, don’t ask me), and Dean tells them all he’s already dead, so it’s not like it could do anything to him, and I guess that tracks.  He was stuck in between worlds after being tossed into the portal by Joan, waited by the portal, and gave Mary a ride out.

I’ll let Dean explain the rest:

“I'm a Hunter, just like you.  But I'm not from this Earth…When I died, I made it to heaven.  And [the Impala] was waiting for me.  So I went for a drive, and then I took a little detour.  Through the multiverse…I was looking for my family.  See, I come from a long line of Hunters.  I guess I was hoping that somewhere out there was an Earth that had a version where my family had a shot at a happy ending.  When I was driving, I caught wind of the Akrida.  Turns out that they were one of Chuck's last creations...basically, he's a real dick.  He left the Akrida behind to wipe out all of existence in case he failed.  Well...he failed.  Eventually the Akrida were going to make their way to my world, and I got family there, so I couldn't let that happen…I took my little detour.  The rules were simple.  Don't mess with anything.  Well…I gave it a little nudge.  Thought it might need a little help.  Looks like it worked out pretty well.  So now that the Akrida are gone, you all can choose your own destiny.  You can write your own story.”

Then Bobby and Jack show up.  We already saw Bobby at the beginning of the episode, and he more or less feels like Bobby, but it’s still like…what are you doing here.  What’s going on here.  This scene at the beginning of the finale shows us when Dean gave John that letter from Henry, when he’s dressed like a Bond villain, setting the story in motion.  Bobby reminded Dean then that they weren’t supposed to meddle, but Dean is Dean and does whatever the fuck he wants, apparently, and Bobby says he’s off to get the cavalry, a line I’m still not completely clear on because who is the cavalry in this situation?  Is it Jack?  Can’t be Gabriel/Loki because they’re dead, can’t be Rowena because not only is she Queen of Hell in the main timeline, but nothing about her appearance here suggests that she was the current iteration of herself from the original show.  So I don’t know who the hell the cavalry is in this context, but I’ll let Jack and Dean take it from here:

JACK: Dean. DEAN: Yeah.  No, I know.  I know, Jack. JACK: When I restored things, I wanted mankind to make their own fate.  That meant no interference from on high, anywhere...no exceptions.  DEAN: I couldn't let our world get destroyed.  Sam's still down there, okay?  He deserves a good, long life.  Hell, they all do.  So, if you want to cast me out of heaven...so be it. BOBBY: If we're taking a vote, I'd say you give the guy another chance. JACK: There's always another case with you Hunters...even in death.  Well...if you're going to meddle in things, finish what you started.  After this...it's time to get around to the..."there'll be peace when you are done"…part of the song.

Jack then hands Dean the journal he had been writing in and the Colt.  Yes, the Colt.  Dean gives them to John and Mary, telling them to use the Colt if a Yellow-Eyed Demon ever comes to them, and to use his journal to help guide them as hunters.  The journal is what we see Dean with in the final episode of the pilot, and what he says in voiceover at the beginning and end of each episode (which are just these platitudes and cliches about hunting and family) are written in that journal.  They ask his name, Dean tells them it’s James Hetfield (founding member of Metallica), and then he, Jack, Bobby, and the Impala disappear.

 The episode ends with all of them happy the Akrida are gone and free to make their own decisions about their lives.  John plans to keep hunting with the gang, but Mary isn’t sure.  She got into Kansas State earlier in the season, but she needs time and space.  But she does show up at the Winchesters’ repair shop at the end, and she and John go on a drive while “Ramble On” plays over a montage of scenes from the show.

And that’s it.

xXx

Okay.

What becomes abundantly clear at the end of this show is that all that mattered – all that ever mattered – was what the fuck Dean was doing.  It wasn’t John and Mary’s love story, it wasn’t the search for their dads, it wasn’t the question of whether to hunt or not, it wasn’t the Scooby Gang’s found family.  It was just…Dean.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I love Dean.  I think he’s an interesting character.  I also think his death was appropriate.  But one person was so frustrated by his ending that he decided he needed to do something about it.

The logistics of the finale are…weird, to say the least.  I can understand the logic behind the Impala being capable of killing Joan based on the show’s rules.  It’s of another world, and Joan really gets her shit rocked by it, like Regina George getting hit by that bus, so I can buy it killing her.  Sure.  And I guess Dean waiting by the portal in the space between spaces or whatever is…plausible, I guess, since we don’t know how anything works between universes, so I’m willing to buy that.  (Notice I’m not buying anything here with much enthusiasm, however.)  But what the fuck does Dean mean, he heard about the Akrida while he was driving around?  What does he mean, he took a detour?  Did Jack tell him what was happening?  Was he the one who set the rules?  If so, did he not take care of the problem himself because of his own self-imposed resolution to not meddle?  Did Jack want Dean to give John the letter?  I don’t think he did because Bobby seemed to think that was meddling, which Dean was expressly told not to do, but how does any of this work without some level of meddling?  And speaking of Bobby, I know we see him in the original show’s finale, but what the hell is he doing this whole time?  Did he get caught by Jack doing something offscreen that we’re not told about, or did he run to him and tattle?  (Super out of character for Bobby to be a narc, by the way, if that is the case.)

Or, maybe I’m supposed to interpret this another way, as something Dean stumbled upon while he was taking his Heavenly drive.  He said he took a little detour and went looking for his family.  That he was hoping there was a version out there that had a happy ending.  Maybe he somehow found this potentially happy version of John and Mary and learned their universe was being threatened by the Akrida when he did?  I don’t know.

I am baffled.  Befuddled, even.

This episode is the only one to acknowledge Sam, and what’s funny about that is that for as much as the show excluded him, it inadvertently reinforces the idea of Sam as protagonist.  Dean wants to stop the Akrida not to save this universe, necessarily, but because he’s worried about the Akrida getting to Earth One and getting to Sam.  He did it all for Sam.  It’s fucking poetic, is what it is, and I don’t think they did it to be poetic.  I think they did it because they knew that:

They were stupid to leave Sam out of it in the first place, and

They had to justify this whole thing somehow.

In the end, none of it mattered.

xXx

At the beginning of this, I mentioned how hard it can be to let things end.  While we can joke about how ridiculous Carlos whipping his hair back and forth to spray vampires with holy water is, or how Mary was dressed like a knockoff Claire Novak in the pilot, or the vanishing Impala, or how bad the Akrida looked, or how convoluted the premise of the whole show is, I think there’s something more we can take away from this: The Winchesters is a study in both vanity and poor media literacy.

Dean Winchester dying at the end of Supernatural makes perfect sense within the text of the show.  This is a tragic character completing his tragic arc.  His death also symbolizes the end of an abusive cycle, but in order to acknowledge that, you have to acknowledge that something very complex exists within Dean’s character.  Many fans do not want to acknowledge that Dean continued the familial cycle of abuse.  Do I believe he loved Sam?  Absolutely.  Do I believe he was unfairly parentified?   Yes.  Do I believe he was also a victim of neglect?  One thousand percent.  But that doesn’t change the fact that Dean continued these harmful cycles.  That’s part of the tragedy.  His death made it possible for Sam to break those cycles and live a life he had been continuously guilted and shamed and ostracized for wanting to live, and while that’s in a sense a win, it comes about in a tragic way.

The tragedy is the point.  The hurt is the point.

But Jensen Ackles just didn’t like that.  Of all the people on the cast and crew, he was the only one who it didn’t seem to click with, and look – I can understand that maybe he needed to take some time to sit with it because he brought that character to life for fifteen years and that character has a rough end, and it also marks the end of fifteen years of his life.  It’s tough stuff.  But what Jensen and the producers of The Winchesters did didn’t add to Dean’s story or his character, it didn’t add to the original story, it didn’t improve upon anything, or clarify anything, or rehabilitate anything.

It was Jensen’s attempt to get the last word, and it failed spectacularly.

I said earlier that I don’t want to blame a lot of the show’s problems on the acting, and I think that’s true.  The main cast are young actors who haven’t been in a ton of projects (Meg Donnelly, who played Mary, has the most experience with ABC’s American Housewife and Disney’s Zombies movies), and I don’t want to blame cast and crew for just wanting to get work, and the main case certainly isn’t unwatchable.  They have to do and say some pretty cringy shit at times, but that’s not on them.  The supporting cast is generally serviceable to forgettable, and only truly bad a couple of times (the guy who plays Ada’s half-djinn son is…not great.  He sounded like he was having lines fed to him and wasn’t comprehending any of what he was saying).  Carlos and Latika aren’t particularly bad characters or poorly portrayed or anything, even if they do rely on some stereotypes (again, not on them), and might be fine in another context. 

I will also say, though, that while Meg Donnelly isn’t like…a bad actor, she’s not a good Mary.  The Mary we know from the flagship program is sweet, and hopeful, and resourceful, and very capable.  I could absolutely believe that the Mary portrayed by Samantha Smith or Amy Gumenick could both kill a monster and struggle to break out of the life she was raised in, and absolutely, 100% want out of that life and apply to Kansas State University behind everyone’s back (just like someone else we know!)  Donnelly’s Mary just feels like a Claire Novak rip-off.  Which was a weird choice to make, and I guess they could try to justify by being like Oh, well this is a Mary from another universe, but that’s not gonna fly.  We got a Mary that could certainly kill monsters, but otherwise doesn’t really feel like Mary Winchester at all.

Then there’s John, portrayed by Drake Rodger.  He was my favorite of the main cast, and the one who seems to be the true protagonist, which I noted earlier.  Rodger had mentioned having watched the original show, and he has that sort of gentle giant quality that Sam had, and even does a good job of picking up on some of his mannerisms that make him at least feel like a Winchester.  Does he feel like John?  I mean…that’s harder to say than it was with Donnelly’s Mary.  We know from the original show that John before hunting was a pretty different guy.  He was probably struggling with PTSD after his tour, but Mary repeatedly refers to him as a sweet, open person, so I can believe that this John could be more like Sam: generally a very nice, gentle guy who you need to watch out for when he’s angry or scared.  As far as performances go, he did pretty well – or, as well as he could, considering the writing.

So, yeah, I’m not gonna pin the show’s downfall on the acting because that wasn’t it.  And I’m not gonna pin it on the crew, either.  Sure, the special effects and editing weren’t always great, but they weren’t always the best on the original show, either.

This is a project that never should have been greenlit, for one reason because it would have saved that crew member from getting struck by lightning.  The crew member sued, naming Ackles and the other producers in the lawsuit along with the network for not following proper safety measures.  Director John Showalter, a Supernatural alum, decided he wanted a scene shot in the rain, even though there was lightning in the vicinity.  The show had already dealt with reshoots and short filming windows, so Showalter, the producers, and the network decided to risk everyone’s safety, and a crew member literally got struck by lightning and woke up in the emergency room.  I hope he gets a giant settlement.

It also shouldn’t have been greenlit not just because it was apparently poorly run and unsafe (which, really, is the worst thing about all this – the show’s not even good, and you’re endangering people for it), but because it was a petty little vanity project.  Jensen Ackles just couldn’t let it go, couldn’t stand that he wasn’t the protagonist, and had to try to get in one last word.

But he couldn’t do it.  He was never going to be able to do it.  This wasn’t a project driven by love of storytelling, but by spite.  He wanted everyone to be thinking Where’s Dean?  How does Dean fit into this?  What’s he doing there?  He didn’t want to explore this weird, difficult relationship, or the original show’s major theme of autonomy; he just wanted attention.  That’s what comes through in all of this because the story itself doesn’t matter.  If these characters don’t reveal anything about the original characters or story, then it doesn’t matter, and it’s certainly not written or performed or produced well enough to make it matter. Why should I care about this John and Mary? I don't know, and the show doesn't, either.

And the kicker is that all of Dean’s voiceover bits are stupid cliches, it doesn’t make sense how he even got himself into this mess, and it all still comes back around to Sam in the end, anyway.  So there was literally no point.  It was all a waste of time and money and a man got struck by lightning.

This show was doomed from the start.  Dead, done, and dusted before it even made it to your screen.

[pulcinonostalgico]

The time has come.

Yes, I will talk about the "sequel". I think (and hope) we all feel the same way about the film.

As for me, I was super excited when they announced RBTI (a sequel to my favorite Disney classic?? BUT I LOVE IT!) and couldn't wait to see it. After waiting SIX LONG YEARS and after having made thirty thousand theories about a possible return of Turbo I went to see it and… this was my honest reaction when I left the theater:

Of course, after seeing the epochal disaster that was RBTI, I thought of various things they could have included or changed to make it more… uhm, interesting. As always these are personal theories / headcanons.

Ralph should have fallen in love.

Okay, that's weird, I know, but hear me out. In my opinion it would have been very interesting to see our protagonist struggling with love. Obviously I wouldn't have seen it as the main plot of the film, but only as a secondary thread.

It would have definitely made Ralph smarter compared to how they made him in RBTI and, above all, it would have started an evolution in his relationship with Vanellope.

Give me a clumsy Ralph who doesn't know how to behave around a person who loves him beyond a friendship. Give me a Vanellope who, at first, doesn't fully understand what's happening and, perhaps, feels a hint of envy and resentment because she's afraid of being alone again.

And please, give me Felix and Tamora giving Ralph advices on how to know he's in love and how to deal with it. It would have been turbotastic fantastic and, above all, it would have brought back a Disney love story!

Vanellope would have to deal with her traumas.

It's true, six years pass between the first and the second film, and Vanellope has probably had plenty of time to forget the past.

But if I were her I would still be afraid of being denigrated, of living alone and without friends (in particular, I would be afraid of losing Ralph) but, above all, I would be afraid of a possible return of King Candy, the source of all my trauma and torment that lasted FIFTEEN YEARS.

It would have been nice to see Vanellope's ironic nature disappear when faced with these thoughts. It would have been nice to have a discussion about these topics between her and Ralph. IT WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE BEEN A HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIP THAN THE ONE THEY SHOWED US IN THE SEQUEL DAMN IT.

Show me that Van still doesn't fully trust the other Sugar Rush racers, that she's afraid they're still talking behind her back. Show me she's afraid to go back down the same stretch of track where Turbo almost killed her. Prove to me that sometimes, when she sleeps in the castle, she feels like she's still in Diet Cola.

Felix should have remembered the past.

I always thought that instead of a sequel, WIR needed a prequel. It would have been wonderful to see glimpses of Ralph and Felix's life, but more importantly, it would have been great to see Turbo's attitude and life before the fateful accident at Roadblasters.

However, these are all things hinted at in the first film. Leaving aside the idea of ��​a prequel, in the sequel it would have been nice to see flashback clips born from Felix's mind. But why Felix?

Until proven otherwise, Felix and Turbo were neighbors and, at the very least, acquaintances. Let's say they were friends.

If that were the case, seeing Turbo reappear after the '87 incident (IS THAT THE BITE OF '87?? Sorry, I couldn't resist) and seeing him try to kill a little girl would be destabilizing for a friend of his.

So it would have been interesting to see what Felix, who knew Turbo quite well, thought about it, and maybe see pieces of their past life where the pilot was still a "normal" person, maybe.

There are still many things I would have liked to see on the big screen, maybe I'll create another post about it.

What would you have inserted instead? What would you have liked to see in the sequel? Write it in the comments! ♥

[velvet4510]

Magda Should’ve Been Peter’s Mother in the Fox X-Men Movies

Think of how much better the X-Men prequels would’ve been if they’d just stuck with the comics and written Magda as Peter’s mom instead.

Apocalypse could’ve opened with flashbacks of Erik and Magda’s happy few months (maybe even years) together in the 1950s - with Erik living with her under an alias, probably Max or Magnus Eisenhardt - before he suddenly gets an unexpected lead on Shaw and realizes he can’t live in peace while Shaw is still out there, so he reluctantly leaves Magda. The very next day poor Magda wakes up to find him gone and is despondent. Then she suddenly pales and goes running into the bathroom. Cut to her in the doctor’s office, finding out she’s pregnant and bursting into tears.

That would’ve enabled Magda to be in the films, without being fridged.

That would’ve given Magda some real characterization, showing that despite being abandoned, she managed to successfully raise a mutant child all by herself in an era long before the world knew about mutants, let alone an era that was rather unforgiving toward unmarried mothers. (Technically she raised two mutant children, of course, but let’s assume the films still would’ve been legally unable to mention Wanda.) Then we could’ve seen her reaction in the present day to finding out her lost love and father of her son is actually Magneto, the international fugitive.

That would’ve shown that after emigrating to America, Erik understandably figured he’d never see Shaw or any Nazis again, and he did make an effort to move on with his life peacefully before he quite accidentally found out where Shaw was and started chasing him.

That would’ve shown that long before becoming Magneto, Erik did try to have a normal life among humans, but ultimately chose to let it go.

That would’ve shown that instead of being the product of a random fling or one-night stand, Peter was born from love - Erik and Magda were genuinely in love, but ultimately, he couldn’t prioritize her over his personal demons, so he left.

That would’ve given even more depth to Erik’s decision to devote his life to chasing Shaw, revealing that in doing so, he gave up on love and a chance of watching his son grow up.

That would’ve avoided the stupid character-arc whiplash that is Erik settling down among humans long after becoming Magneto and the events of DOFP, events which should’ve only reinforced his commitment to being Magneto regardless of legal consequences.

That would’ve avoided the stupid misogynistic writing that is Erik meeting Magda and having a child ONLY for the narrative purpose of Magda and the child getting immediately fridged.

That would’ve added depth to his relationship with Charles - instead of Charles simply being his first love, Charles actually opened his heart to love again after he’d long ago decided that pursuing Shaw was more important than love. And while Magda knew him under an alias, Charles immediately knew his real name and everything about him.

That would’ve given an even deeper explanation as to why Peter wants to know Erik. He doesn’t just want to meet his dad. He also wants to know why his dad ever left them, if his dad loved his mom as much as she thought he did. Thus later on in the films he would’ve learned about his dad’s past, about his own family roots in the Holocaust.

That would’ve forced Erik to be confronted with the consequences of his choice in the rest of the movie, finding out that he chose hate and revenge over love and fatherhood. Which would’ve led to massive character growth on his part.

And it would’ve led to a natural, inevitable focus on Erik’s relationship with Peter for the rest of the movie, and the series overall.

[howtodrawyourdragon]

The Post In Which I Deduce How Old Baby Hiccup Was When Valka Disappeared

You know, in order to write this Httyd Retelling, I have to do some preparing. I have to collect plot points for future storylines, keep certain canonical facts in mind and take a closer look at certain scenes.

Like the flashback scene in which Valka gets taken, for example. Because that'll be a vital scene for the prequel-type fic that I'm currently working on.

And I don't think I've ever realized how truly young Hiccup was when his mother was stolen from him. And I'm not talking about how he was a baby, because that fact is obvious.

I'm talking about how it's possible he was barely 6 months old.

And there are a couple of things about the flashback that point to this.

When Cloudjumper finds Hiccup and appears to play with him, I notice that Hiccup is:

Laughing

Grabbing Cloudjumper's wing talon

Clapping once (which could be a fluke as he is waving his hands around wildly)

Appears stimulated by Cloudjumper's attention and actively seeks interaction

Now, the laughter I won't waste much time on because I don't really see it as an indicator. On average, it starts as early as 4 months, but in my experience that highly depends on the child. I've seen a 3 month old laugh, I've seen kids not start laughing until they were almost 1.

Points 2 through 4, though, are much more interesting as what Hiccup is exhibiting is actually not "true" play, but rather hints that Hiccup is still actively learning to interact with the world around him. This may seem strange for people who don't interact with babies and toddlers on a daily basis, but children actually have to learn to play and this starts by interacting with the world around them.

Putting a variety of things in their mouths, sucking on things, grabbing things (like Cloudjumper's talon), shaking things, etc. This is usually how a baby between ages of 4 to 6 months old begins to learn how to play.

You can try to offer toys to a 3 month old, but chances are they won't do anything with it or even react much too the toy at all. Older than 6 months old, it's possible you can see them actively pick what interests them to inspect rather than simply put whatever they've been giving in their mouths.

In my personal experience, it's not until around 4 months old when babies start to show interest in the things around them. (Which doesn't mean you shouldn't try to stimulate your child by at least offering a toy before that time, we do.)

Something else of note in this scene is:

Hiccup can't sit up

No teeth

Hiccup simply lying there swaddled in a cradle is actually a big indicator that, not only is he not sitting up yet, but he doesn't appear capable of rolling over.

And if you think "Oh! but that's because he's swaddled in furs!" Wrong! Babies of any age are surprisingly determined. If a baby wants to roll over, they will fidget their way out of the swaddle and roll over. In no good conscience would Valka or Stoick leave Hiccup in a cradle unattended if this child showed signs of rolling over.

Now babies can start rolling over as soon as 4 months. (If you know what that looks like, it's quite an endeavor, takes a lot of manuevering, which the previous unattended Hiccup didn't appear to be doing)

And I know you may be thinking; "doesn't that mean Hiccup is younger than 4 months in the flashback?" I don't think so simply because of how he reacts to Cloudjumper, whose attention and stimulation he actively seeks out. Rather, I actually think Hiccup is a little bit of a late bloomer physically.

He was canonically born prematuraly, to the point that his mother feared he wouldn't make it. And often when a child is a late bloomer physically, they actually usually end up ahead of the other kids in other areas. Like mentally, verbally, or with their finer motor skills.

In my experience, children who can walk by the time their first birthday comes along, take longer to even begin to start talking. (which takes the form of making sounds. Not forming words, but voluntarily making sounds)

Meanwhile kids who are barely crawling by their first birthday are usually already showing signs of forming words (usually done by trying to repeat sounds they hear others in their life say) and verbally responding back to the people in their life (though through sounds and not actual words)

Being late in his gross motor skills while actually excelling in his finer motor skills and speech seems in line with the Hiccup we know and love. Even between the ages of 15 and 18, he still appears to be a bit of a late bloomer. The example I'm thinking of is how he can work years in a forge, yet struggle to pick up a single weapon versus to 3 years later when he's a swordsman himself and picks weapons up with no problem now.

That brings me to the lack of teeth.

On average, babies will begin to teeth between the 4 and 7 months old. From my personal experience, it tends to start much closer to 7 months than the minimum 4 month mark. I've even looked after plenty of children who didn't start to teeth well beyond the 7th month mark. (even had one who didn't start teeth until they were almost 1 and then suddenly got multiple teeth in at once.) Hiccup has no teeth.

So lets line all of the evidence up.

In the flashback, Hiccup:

Actively seeks interaction with Cloudjumper

Actively interacts with the world around him, but doesn't know play yet.

Responds positively to Cloudjumper's stimulation

Doesn't yet appear to even try to roll over

Has no teeth

And all of these points point to the very likely scenario that Hiccup was only 4 to 5 months old when he and Stoick lost Valka.

4 to 5 months old.

That's hella young to be losing your mother, a terrible time to lose your wife and mother of your very young child and, honestly, a terrible time for a mother to have her abduction be preceded by watching her premature son and her husband almost die due to her lack of actions.

I realize that I'm ending this post with a hot take, maybe even an unpopular opinion, but as it already takes months for a parent who gave birth to feel somewhat normal again even without breastfeeding their child... No wonder Valka, in this highly sensitive and vulnerable time, internalized that both Stoick and Hiccup would've been better off without her.

Valka, who:

Was still on month 4 after her pregnancy, meaning her hormones would've still been all over the place

Had to breastfeed with a lack of better options at the time, meaning it would remain that way for quite a bit

Had a traumatic labor that involved nearly losing her son

Her son who was born much too early, which would come with complications (right down to getting him to eat at all, for example)

Almost watched Hiccup and Stoick die in a fire right before she got abducted by a dragon, which would've meant hours if not days or weeks of believing she was going to get eaten

Doesn't mean she just gets to stay away for 20 whole years, but it definitely puts a different perspective on her sudden departure from Hiccup's life.

Everyone in the Haddock family was hurt that day. Though, the biggest victim of all was that literal 4 month old boy.

Video from SoloMinike-Movies & Shows scenes HD for reference.

[tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang]

Personally I feel dissatisfied with how wakui wrote shinichiro. I love shinichiro as a character, but I wished wakui would have done more "show, don't tell" regarding him as a gang leader. He's done a good job in showing shinichiro as a capable eldest sibling, but all the impression of him as an exceptional gang leader are only told through other people's stories. What kind of talk no jutsu he gave to make even notorious delinquents wanted to follow his footsteps? Or what action he took to give such lasting impact as a leader? He was said to be a terrible fighter, so he must have had an outstanding charisma to make up for it right? But IMO shinichiro was never truly given a chance to show himself in a leader mode even in the flashbacks, only as a good brother. It's like, you know, when an author trying to convince the readers that a character is smart but never writes any scene where the supposedly-smart-character wows the readers with their intelligence 🫠

Yeah I agree, I really wish we could've seen Shinichiro as a gang leader at least a bit. Mainly because it does leave a few questions, like you mentioned and also because I'm very curious about how he acts in fights and situations like that. We know he's compared to Takemichi a lot, so we do have a good idea of this but it's not confirmed and it would've been good to actually see it. Though I'm guessing the reason for this is it's not really Shinichiro's story and Wakui potentially didn't wanna side track too much aside from what was actually needed??? A prequel for the black dragons would've been perfect for this though!

[lavender-twilight23]

HELLA UNPOPULAR X-MEN OPINION THAT I KNOW THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE WILL DISAGREE WITH BUT WHO CARES I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT ANYWAY:

I like X-Men: Dark Phoenix.

OKAY OKAY THERE I SAID IT DON’T SMITE ME WITH FIRE HEAR ME OUT–

X-Men: Dark Phoenix is definitely the weakest of the prequel trilogy, and definitely one of the weaker X-Men movies ever, if not THE weakest. It does A LOT of things wrong.

THAT BEING SAID.

I still enjoy it. If I put it on, I will enjoy it. Do I think it struggles in certain areas? Oh, hell yes. But there are highs and lows. The lows are very, VERY low, but the highs are quite high, and I think they deserve some attention.

But I do want to talk about some of the moments in X-Men: Dark Phoenix that I genuinely like, because so many people hate on this movie, which I completely understand, but I do think it has moments/scenes that make it redeemable, and I want to bring attention to the parts that I genuinely like, no matter how controversial the movie itself is.

Dark Phoenix is hated on by so many, so sometimes, I feel like I forget that there are moments of this movie that shine, and I want to brush off the dust on a film that has been buried by the scrutiny of so many and I want to list the reasons why I like it.

I’ve seen it mentioned before somewhere on the internet that the prequel series should’ve ended with X-Men: Apocalypse. Should it have? Maybe. But Dark Phoenix is a movie that exists, and there are certain moments/scenes that I’m glad we got, that we got ONLY because this movie exists.

Again, I know this movie has flaws. GIANT flaws. It struggles and falls flat in SO many areas, and I do see that, but I think that sometimes, even in movies that are looked down as being really really bad…sometimes their good moments get shoved under the rug.

Anyways, with all that being said, written in chronological order, here are The High Points In X-Men: Dark Phoenix!

This post (more like essay) ended up being long as shit so I put this thing here 😆

- The flashback of Charles meeting Jean

I think this scene honestly is adorable, not only because we see the beginning of a father/daughter relationship in blossom, but we get Charles in his Apocalypse era (long hair???) and then also we get to see how he approaches kids with trauma related to their powers and it reminds us WHY he’s doing what he’s doing in the first place, WHY he’s in this business to begin with. This is what he’s wanted to do forever. And to watch/listen to him in this scene, he uses specific language and acts in a certain way because he KNOWS he’s talking to a child, a child that has just been through a trauma. Yes, we see Charles lie about her parents’ deaths, which I’ll get to later, but speaking to Charles taking to child Jean– he says things like “yep,” “amazing,” “really cool,” things that he doesn’t normally say. He’s trying to relate to her and going down to her level to try and seem approachable, I think.

A little detail that I noticed the other day that I love that isn’t called attention to at all and is kind of in the background is that when Charles approaches Jean to give her the pen, he wheels forward, and out of frame, he locks his wheelchair in place. It’s such a tiny, subtle detail that’s easy to miss, but for some reason it just makes me really happy.

The pen metaphor is really nice and gets Jean to let her walls down and genuinely listen to him. Charles is incredibly gentle with her.

This is the beginning of a beautiful father/daughter relationship that we see so little of.

And one last thing about this scene– well, it’s less about this scene and more about their relationship as a whole. Assuming that Jean is nine or ten, maybe eleven here, and to know that Jean is in her early 20s in the present-day Dark Phoenix storyline, Charles has been by her side, raising her, nurturing her for HALF OF HER LIFE. Picturing that, even though it’s never explicitly said, I think they very much would’ve become pretty much father and daughter in that way, Jean needing that from Charles, and Charles maybe seeing something in Jean and getting closer with her than any of the other students, in a much deeper way than just having similar powers. They are so close, and I would’ve loved to see more of that.

- “You think can fix me too.”

- “No. No, because you are not broken.”

This exchange is beautiful. Okay, yes, I know that Charles is still technically keeping up that lie that both her parents are dead, but I’ll dive deeper into that later. I think that Charles genuinely believes what he says. And even later on, when he’s seen as the ‘villain,’ I think he’s always thought that Jean wasn’t broken. His entire job is taking in mutant children and nurturing them, caring for them in a way that maybe their parents or families didn’t, or are not willing to due to their mutant gifts. Anyways, I think this shows a lot about Charles and the gentle touch that he has, emotionally, in order to connect with his students, many of which probably have been in similar situations as Jean.

- THIS SHOT. Interstellar vibes??

- Charles checking up on Jean after the space mission 🥹

- Jean’s Phoenix eyes and the glowing cracks in her face are actually really cool, like she’s a volcano with lava hidden under the cracks. I think it’s a really cool visual.

- After Jean has the blast of power in the party, Charles IMMEDIATELY senses it and leaves his event.

- The way the Cerebro projection looks in this movie I find VERY cool and visually stunning, like the memories are writhing in smoke. It’s a super cool visual.

- When Scott is trying to get Jean not to leave and Jean touches the side of his head, she hesitates and pulls her hand away just slightly, as if she’s afraid to touch him for fear of hurting him again. The details kill me.

- When Hank is yelling at Charles, Charles doesn’t answer and he reaches for the alcohol to get himself another drink.

Despite the fact that I don’t really like the scene (and despite the fact that there’s a continuity error with which arm is being outstretched lol), despite all that, I like that THAT detail is consistent with what we saw from him in Days of Future Past, in which he would use alcohol, among other things, to dull the pain of his reality. When Hank is yelling at him, his immediate response is to avoid the conversation and to go to alcohol, which is what Charles did with the serum and alcohol multiple times in Days of Future Past, and it’s implied that he did that many, many times throughout the decade that we don’t see leading up to DOFP.

- Another thing– addressing Charles and his mistake with Jean and his lie, I plan to do a large post, a character analysis/study, if you will, of this in the future, but my biggest X-Men headcanon that’s only a headcanon because it’s not explicitly said but I 100% think it’s true is that Charles has a VERY strong savior complex that is consistent throughout the entirety of the prequels. Again, I’m gonna do a whole post outlining his savior complex, the moment that it started, and every moment in which he falls prey to it, but what he does regarding Jean and her parents’ fates lines up with that. So even though I don’t like how the movie treats Charles in relation to his mistake, his choice to lie to her to protect her is very consistent with what we’ve seen of his character up until this point, so despite the treatment of his mistake in the movie, the fact that he kept up that lie to ‘save her’ is very in-character for him based on what we’ve seen from him in the past.

- Erik. ERIK. JUST ERIK.

Okay, more about Erik: The whole scene with Jean and Erik in which Jean asks Erik about how to stop hurting people reveals a lot about Erik as a character. We get a lot of his backstory and trauma summed up in Erik’s own words, and we see his growth as a character, both how he’s changed AND how he’s stayed the same, with how he gets aggressive and confrontational with her later. His anger and pain is still in there, but he’s found peace, or at least some form of comfort/stability in his life here in Genosha. Another reason why I like Erik’s explanation of his trauma and his past is that I explored that a bit in a bigger fanfiction of mine, and then I rewatched this scene a bit later after finishing the fic, and realized that what I had Erik do/think in my fanfiction was, at certain points, almost word for word what Erik says in this scene, so it was just very affirming to hear Erik in canon saying what I essentially lay out in my fanfiction. It was just nice to see that my portrayal of him in my fanfiction lined up so perfectly with canon. Anyways, moving on:

- Erik donning the helmet from First Class that he apparently kept throughout all these years!

- Scott’s F bomb! 🤣

- In the train when they’re being taken to the containment center, I find it HILARIOUS that they chained up Charles’ legs. Liiiiike what, do they think he’s gonna just stand up and WALK out?? 🤣

- Hanz Zimmer’s score???? Okay, uhhh, YES??? Despite the fact that I’m biased for Henry Jackman’s score from First Class, Hanz Zimmer always has my respect.

- The seamless transition from Hank’s human form into his beast form!

- Okay okay, THE TRAIN FIGHT SEQUENCE?? YES??? We get everybody working together, Hank going ACTUAL beast mode, Erik being an absolute BadAss MotherFucker and fighting with his powers, using it so creatively, stabbing metal bars into people, crushing the train like a BADASS, then turning around and tossing it so nonchalantly behind him??? Kurt being ruthless for once?

- Before the Paris Proposal, before Erik even shows up on screen, Charles senses him and his expression is like “wait are you fucking serious– THIS GUY??? What is ERIK doing here????”

- Erik leaning forward, staring into the distance, then, “A long time ago, you saved my life. Then you offered me a home. I’d like to do the same for you.” 🥹 I’M FUCKING TEARING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIBRARY AT MY COLLEGE, FUCKING HELL, I LOVE THESE TWO

- And I just realized that Erik pulled the two chess pieces out from his pockets, not from inside the chess board, which means that he’d prepared to play with him before he even sat down and before he asked Charles if he even WANTED to play. He had both the game pieces ready, one in each of his pockets. 🥹

- THEIR LOOKS???? GAZING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES???? THE WAY ERIK LOOKS AT HIM????? That is not the look of a straight man. These guys are in LOVE. Also, Erik literally asks him to move in with him. THAT. 👏🏻 IS. 👏🏻 NOT. 👏🏻 IMPLIED. 👏🏻 “Then you offered me a home, I’d like to do the same for you.” UHHH OKAY, ERIK, YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE JUST WRITTEN THAT ON AN INVITATION CARD.

~~~

Anyways, so there we go. Those are what I think are the high points in X-Men: Dark Phoenix, and I will say that if I were to put this movie on in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, I would stay and watch the whole thing! Despite its glaring flaws, I think it is enjoyable and I personally enjoy watching it, even if just for the high points I mentioned.

I may or may not have spent upwards of 3 hours on this post, writing it in the Notes app, making the GIFs, then converting the ones that were too big of files. Really short posts? Huh? What are they?? 🤣 Nah, if I’m doing a long analysis/study post, you bet I’m writing like a fking essay or some shit 😜

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you thank you! I don’t really like doing really small posts myself, so most of my posts will be either medium length, long, or very long, typically being scene analyses, character analyses, mentioning a detail or talking about a headcanon I have. But this is probably my longest post yet? But the post I’ll write about Charles’ savior complex sometime soon will probably rival this one. But anyways, that’s that! If anybody wants to chat more about my X-Men opinions or head canons or any fun shit like that, you can comment on this post or use the Ask feature on my profile. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But that’s that! Til next time y’all :)

Gifs made by me in Canva :)

[pixeldistractions]

They dried themselves and their clothes in the sun. It was too much sun, maybe. Their skin felt warm and threatened to turn pink and blistery later. They put their clothes back on and started the hike back to camp. 

The afternoon had been peaceful while they splashed in the water, but now the boys were tired and hungry for a warm dinner cooked over a campfire. Their tempers were short, and the mosquitoes didn’t help.  

“Hey, boys, quiet down. Come check this out.” 

“Whoa! Is she gonna fall?” (Milo)

“Is she gonna die?!?” (Felix)

“No. I mean, I hope not,” Jordan said.  

“Dad, did you ever climb a rock like that?” Milo asked.

“Not like that. WOW, that’s wild.” 

The climber swung her body from rock to rock, hanging by fingertips and toes, yet she clung to the rock with purpose and skill. It was impressive.

Felix looked ready to charge the cliff face himself. “Dad, can I climb that rock?”

“Not today,” Jordan said. “You need to learn how. You need ropes and harnesses and different kind of shoes.”

“Can we buy them at the camp store?”

“Nah, not today. But you can climb that little rock over there.” 

So the boys ran off to scramble over a lesser rocky slope, dreaming of that giant cliff face ahead of them. They weren’t the only ones dreaming.

Jordan thought of the brochure in his pack for the climbing classes. He thought of impossibilities and setting them on fire. And why not? He was sick of caring about what Colette thought of his life. He was sick of not living.

There was a fire lit inside him in that moment. It was a small and exciting fire, a contained little glow. Its possibilities were endless and undefined. How could he know that little fire wouldn’t die when he went to sleep tonight? That it would still burn when he returned back home to Wisconsin? That it could even grow into a raging inferno strong enough to burn down his whole life?  

— “why are you here? #3: a cage left open” part 6.5/9

Next -> // WAYH #3 start // index

author’s note: so, this whole flashback story serves a few different purposes. First, obviously, it’s a prequel to where we left off in book 5. It’s also an expanded beginning for those who are starting fresh. And, an origin story! When I first started writing this saga, Jordan already had one foot out the door, tickets already bought, he was already leaving. But as the story went on, I realized how we never got to see how he came to that decision. The moment the rocks called to him and set fire to his life. Here it is!

[obikin-obsessor]

It's been a year already it seems! Welcome to the mental illness!

A year ago my friends introduced me to star wars, and it wasn't the original trilogy that made my autism go brrrrr, no it was the prequels with it's windows XP background fight scene in TPM that got to me.

Not long after, today in fact, is when I discovered Obikin and now every time I see fanart of them together I kick my feet and giggle at how much I love them.

To personally celebrate one year of being in this fandom I have decided to show y'all just how bad it's gotten lol. I will be going over my book collection as well as my pin collection. (Help my wallet is screaming at me)

Now you might notice that book five of Jedi apprentice is missing from this, that's because I currently have it out and have been staring at it for MONTHS at this point because I absolutely despise Qui-Gon in this series and I know he's going to for some reason abandon Obi on a civil war torn planet instead of taking him to space Mcdonalds!

Despite the fact that I'm more obsessed with the prequels if I see a book I don't have at thrift stores or second hand book shops I can't help myself but grab it, especially since one character in particular really fascinates me, and that's good ol' Anakin Solo and the sadly less talked about Ken. I wanna know why Leia decided to name her kid off of the father she never knew and the father that also tortured her. And I just really like Ken, he never appears outside of two books but he will forever be canon in my head because he's Palpatine's GRANDSON. And he also says he's just Ken (Barbie flashbacks)

Now these, these are all the ffg ttrpg books I own for star wars! There's one of the saga edition and I've also been using the essential guides for ideas when I GM our campaign. Should anyone want information that one of these books has feel free to DM me and I'll send what I find! (Not seen is my Forces and Destiny core rulebook and chronicles of the Gatekeeper, both out because I'm using them for ideas lol)

These are the two zines I own! I was lucky enough to come into this fandom when nightfall was doing preorders and I managed to snag one! Found is a found family based zine I actually found on Ebay!

Oh boy...Welcome to what I can only describe as a pure concentrated form of my obsession with Obikin. Admittedly this idea wasn't an original thought, it was inspired by discovering @aigoos pinboard design and it inspired me to make my own! The board is actually handmade by me! I bought a pinboard at Michael's and then went to a local fabric shop where I got this beautiful fabric! It isn't the most clean cut well put together board but it's mine! :3

These are hilariously up there as being my favorite keychains! They're from Nightfall zine!

Look at my boys cuddling, look at them, this is the cutest most adorable enamel pin I own and I would slaughter all the younglings in the temple for them.

And as you can see this is the very same pin I posted about days ago where I was concerned that it might be a scam or that the seller was no longer active, great news they are! They hadn't uploaded anything since last year but now it appears they're back! The back of the pin actually says "I loved you!" and I did in fact squeal like a school girl when I saw that! 🤣

This is the brotherhood 2 pin by Foundling mercantile and I wasn't originally going to buy this, I had originally woken up to get the starfighters and Bunnywan/Nyanakin pins which while currently unavailable on Foundling you can still get from RussianRita on Etsy! (They're also who I got the boy's cuddling from!)

Here we have my boys, just chilling, killing, and while unfortunately my phone camera doesn't show it Obi-Wan's lightsaber glows in the dark! (It was very important that I mention this I absolutely adore glow in the dark stuff!)

So really fun fact about these! I had messaged the seller, Deileeart, on Etsy because they hadn't gotten a review since last year so I was worried that they were no longer selling, only for them to immediately respond and next thing I know everything's 75% off! I obviously had to grab them, they're so smol and cute!

Then up top we have my plushies/figures! The first three plushies are by @mouyashii and they're incredibly soft! Padme especially and I don't know why lol! Anakin also has darth vader's helmet underneath his robes!

The one's on top of each other are their tsum tsums! Poor perpetually splitting Anakin, the second Obi gets removed he'll just kill me.

Then the last two are by @saeuchelle! They're connected by a keychain and it's so incredibly satisfying to spin them by that chain in between my fingers!

Also Obi has just a wee bit of a "tabard" problem, it never goes down! 🤣

And that's all of them! (for now) I'll probably start showing off new merch I get in the future because I gain great joy from talking about them! They're my favorite lil guys after all!

Thank you for reading my rant, have a lovely day! 💜

[pmpknspcaholic]

So I feel like some of us are, & have been, on a ‘Phillip Crane’ watch. Waiting for some sign that Phillip will be in s4. I still feel like the show isn’t going to give us any crumbs regarding who will be next because they will want the publicity of making an announcement.

So due to this, there will either be no obvious clues in s4 or there will be more than one obvious clue. By clues I mean the news that either Marina, John or both died. Book 3 does involve a time jump from when Benophie meet at the ball to later a year & some when they meet again.

Reminder though, QC passed in 1818. The show could very well ignore this fact to keep her around but if not, I wonder who they might get to replace what will definitely be an absence in the show. But, in book 6&5, we learned that John passes in 1820 & Marina in 1823.

If more than one of these deaths occur in s4, I can see the show giving us a combined scene of the death/funeral/death announcement. I don’t imagine them wanting to drag down various episodes with sadness. I mean, I love the QC prequel, but usually don’t watch it as much as the main series because I know it’s going to make me cry.

But even if there’s only the deaths being announced, doesn’t mean we won’t get possible flashbacks giving us more details in the seasons the deaths will relate to. I also don’t really see the show going into the next season(s) having any of these three passing away off screen except for maybe Marina.

Now the real reason I think who will be s5 is still up in the air is because Franchael, even though book 6, married days before Philoise, who is book 5. So say John dies in s4 doesn’t mean Franchaela will be s5. Same with if Marina dies in s4, doesn’t mean Philoise will be s5.

But out of the two, I will say that if Marina’s death is announced in s4, there’s probably a higher chance of Philoise being s5. Mainly because Phillip & Eloise start writing shortly after her death & correspond for a year before Eloise runs off to meet him. Whereas, after John’s passing, Fran remains a widow for quite a few years & Michael goes off during that time trying to come to terms with John’s death & his feelings for Fran.

But once again, the show is going to want as much publicity as possible & will probably leave us guessing until it’s officially announced. 👎

Added note: some series Phillip appreciation. I know some dislike book Phillip, I get it. But the show has already changed our perception of him in the series in the sense that he married Marina, thus making his brother’s son his heir. Phillip could have just set Marina up somewhere & given her an allowance. Then married another & had an heir of his own. But no, Phillip honored his brother by marrying George’s pregnant girlfriend which then legitimized their son making the boy Phillip’s heir. & I can see Phillip holding to this even if the show later presents Philoise with a male child.

[frayed-at-the-seams]

Time of Fever VS Unintentional Love Story

The Issues I had with the Plot and Characterisation.

(Will include spoilers for both dramas).

While both dramas were written by the same person, they each have different directors and as such, they have very different feels.

With Time of Fever being the prequel drama to Unintentional Love Story’s second couple, Donghee and Hotae. The short series/movie has many things that differ from the second drama. Some of which make sense and some which don’t.

These are my thoughts on the similarities and differences.

Plot line

While in Unintentional Love Story (which will be referred to from here on as ULS to save me typing too much) Donghee and Hotae are the second couple and therefore get much less screen time compared to the main couple, the viewers are still shown snapshots to their backstory that make their tangled and messy relationship have some sort of sense on screen.

In ULS we are introduced to Hotae by Donghee. It is clear from the get go that the pair have a tangled relationship.

As the show goes on we a granted glimpses of their past to explain why they have such a tangled relationship. It is show than Donghee was abused and kicked out of the house by his father. We are also informed that Hotae’s house is where he would go for refuge. His friendship with the slightly younger man having persisted through childhood. Donghee calls Hotae’s mother ‘Auntie’ in a way far more familiar than the other locals. Even without Time of Fever we know that they are closer than their first meeting would have us believe.

Yet despite the moments we are shown, it is unclear what happened between them to cause the rift between them. We know that something happened, probably something romantic that crossed the lines of their friendship, yet it is unclear in ULS and the pair do not have enough screen time to explore it further.

This is where Time Of Fever comes in, I assume.

Here Time Of Fever confuses the plot points we are already given.

The only way I can think of Time of Fever (TOF) matching the backstory scenes shown in ULS is if there is a time gap.

In the beginning of TOF Hotae is at his father’s funeral. The death of his father being the cause of his and his mother’s return to the sea side town they left two years before, and back to their old house. The same old house where Donghee seems to have been living in by himself for a while now. It is unclear precisely how long.

The fact that he is staying in Hotae’s childhood bedroom, with their belongings mixed together before Hotae has even moved back yet gives them a level of closeness beyond what was shown in their flashbacks in ULS.

The only way I can think of both shows fitting together is if the flashbacks in ULS were set when they were 15/16 and before Hotae moved to Seoul for two years. It would explain their closeness and also fit in Hotae’s absence and the affect is has on Donghee (which I will expand on later).

If Donghee was abused through most of his teen life for being gay and then kicked out of his home before Hotae moved away, then it must have been around his mid teens.

That means he was probably living in Hotae’s empty childhood bedroom for around two years by himself.

Which is just tragic to think about.

I can guess that Donghee had feelings for Hotae before he moved as well. Both shows mention them being childhood friends.

Then Hotae moves back and the events of TOF happen. Donghee’s feelings grow too much and he flees to Seoul, only to return years later. Hotae left behind with a broken heart and a bitterness at being abandoned. That would explain some of their troubles in ULS, especially if Donghee has only recently set up his coffee shop and Hotae was still adjusting to having him close. It would also explain the keepsakes of memories from their teens together that Donghee keeps in his cafe in ULS, which were not even mentioned or touched upon in TOF. (I wanted to see the part where Hotae wins him the watch again).

While both plots can fit together, they don’t fit together well. There are plot holes left unexplained and changes within the characters that do not make sense. That leads me onto the next section.

Characters

In the beginning of ULS Hotae is abrupt, almost angry with Donghee. We later discover that this is due to jealousy over Donghee’s friendship with Wonyoung. Once this is discovered he warms up and takes on almost a puppy-like devotion to Donghee, following him around like he is the light to his inner moth.

Hotae has this charming boyishness to him. He is impulsive, stubborn and a bit of a bad boy. He has tattoos and his relationships always seem to end with his girlfriends smacking him with their bags.

Between the two shows, his personality in fact does not change. He is the same in his twenties as he was in his teens. In fact, TOF portrays his start into serial dating very well. He dates out of a need to try and smother feelings for Donghee. He does not actively pursue these girls, in fact he drops them the second he has the chance to spend time with Donghee, but he goes along with their confessions and dates almost like a way to pass the time. He does not really care about them but more out of a need to conform. To maybe figure out within himself why he yearns for Donghee so bad.

TOF also explains why his character hasn’t changed. He felt abandoned by Donghee, someone he loved, less than a year since his dad died and he had to move again. While not as prevalent as the romantic main plot, TOF does a wonderful job of subtly building up this sense drowning within Hotae. Despite his cheerful persona he portrays to Donghee and his mother, the moments without Donghee are sullen and almost drained. He only smiles with Donghee.

He is a teenager, probably only around 17/18 who has had to deal with a lot of life changes very quickly. This is especially visible in the scene where he cries when he doesn’t win his first swimming match since he moved back. He is cheered up by Donghee and the plot moves on but his internal struggle with change is brought up again in episode 6. There he ruins the art room where he and Donghee would spend time. He destroys the room out of grief for being left behind and exclaims that he won’t change.

So he doesn’t and by the time we get to ULS he is still motor the same. With a few more tattoos and a motorbike, and a few part time jobs. Yet he didn’t go to college and he failed his last year of high school, which would have happened after Donghee left. He stays in the same seaside town and does what he has always done.

It is only with Donghee back in his life that we start to see him open up again. The more Donghee allows him back into his life, the more Hotae begins to change. He begins to learn Spanish and he grows to be friends with Wonyoung. This is a rather large change because in TOF it is clear that he has no close friends other than Donghee and in ULS it is unclear whether he had any friends prior to the start of the plot.

So when it comes to Hotae, TOF only expands on the character first portrayed in ULS. The viewers are given more of an understanding of his trauma and how much his love for Donghee drives him.

(It makes me want to give him a hug).

However, with Donghee TOF was not as clear.

In ULS Donghee is introduced as sassy, fiercely independent, stubborn and kindhearted. He seems to be the clingy, slightly annoying friend who would have your back in a heartbeat, judging by how he interacts with Taejoon. They have a banter that has a familiarity that must have taken years to achieve. (Especially with such a guarded introvert as Taejoon). It is truly a shame that we do not know the backstory of their friendship.

While Donghee is comedic yet a loveable friend character to the main couple in ULS, he is different with Hotae. He is also rude, bickering with him and pushing him away like a feral cat hissing and stretching at any sign of someone coming close. In ULS he avoids Hotae’s flirting and affection like it is the plague, actively cursing him out and telling him off.

So why in TOF is he so quiet?

That was the part that confused me the most. He went from apparently being a wallflower in TOF, who only studied and pined over Hotae, to an independent and confidant gay man in ULS. As a teen it seems he was filled with internalised homophobia and fear over his feelings for Hotae. So much so that he runs away to university in Seoul.

So what changed??

In the flashbacks in ULS, which I theorised earlier as happening before TOF canon, he is shown to be as confidant and verbally abrasive at any sign of affection as a teenager as he was as an adult. He talks back, he wrestles with Hotae and he plays around with him.

Yet in TOF he is quiet. He does nothing more than study and he barely touches Hotae first.

The only explanation I can guess to his abrupt character change would be due to the trauma of his abuse and the fear of his feelings for Hotae.

It would make sense if he retreated into himself when Hotae moved away. Two years can be a long time and that can explain why Hotae does not comment much on Donghee’s character change when he moves back. Other than a comment or two about how Donghee doesn’t smile anymore, he doesn’t seem to notice how Donghee seems to be too silent and submissive.

I can only theorise that his time at university allowed Donghee to connect with other lgbt people and deal with his internal homophobia and self hatred. That the years between TOF and ULS allowed him to grow up and return to the personality he had before.

Because if my plot theory is wrong then his characters in TOF and ULS seem more like two different people than the same person.

When Hotae kisses him in TOF Donghee avoids him for days and make him sleep on the couch. He barely says anything.

Yet when Hotae merely gets in his personal space in ULS, Donghee smacks his arm or pushes him away with a curse and a scolding.

It seems too much of an abrupt character change to me. I really hope my headcanon is right and that Donghee managed to regain some of his behaviours before he was abused. That would be happier, that he managed to rediscover himself despite the trauma.

Either way, I still love him.

I love both dramas and their dynamics in both.

If you have read this far then I apologise for rambling on for so long.

I love these dramas for both their differences and their similarities. I just wish the plots added up a bit more. Instead of answering my questions Time Of Fever only seemed to give me more.

I love Donghee and Hotae and I really need to see them have a happy ending. (Wishing for a third drama where they actually get together. ULS ended hopefully for them but I need more).

Feel free to comment if you agree with any other things I have noticed or theorised.

[kuschelkissen]

Ok so. Actual predictions I make about Yingdu

List under cut

Cheng Xiaoshi dies on screen at least once.

Cheng Xiaoshi dies in a dream and/ or flashback

Xia Fei dies (bonus points if he actually dies in the fire that killed Cheng Xiaoshi at one point. Based on the opening lol)

the two chapters will be split between actual prequel (3 years ago) and the present (current timeline? Or maybe the previous one. Probably somewhere before s1)

(Basing this entirely of 2 things, the 2 different outfits and the fact that Lu Guang said in the first trailer "i think he might be in Yingdu" and "he can't go to Yingdu", which sounds to me like something happened on their overseas trip?)

(Not sure where the flashbacks with the Qiaos or the basketball scene will be in this)

Lu Guang almost drowns (bonus points for cpr. YES I KNOW IT'S NOT A KISS BUT THEIR LIPS TOUCH AND I'M DESPERATE, OK?!)

full scene of the meet cute at the basketball court (but it's not the first timeline)

Vein can control dreams

Xia Fei will betray... someone. I hope it will be Vein and Liu Xiao, but my gut tells me it will be ShiGuang

Xia Fei and the blonde woman are related¹

(If my gf is right and he is her in disguise, I'm gonna scream and laugh, it would be funny)

Xia Fei probably has powers. Whatever they will look like

Vein is not an actual cannibal (praying for this one, I don't want to mute more artists I like)

we will see the Qiaos taking care of Cheng Xiaoshi (bonus points if the whole "I'll give you a ten year loan for rent" is shown as a joke and papa Qiao's way of trying to make cxs think they're not pitying him, so he let's them help him.)

Cheng Xiaoshi gets his powers (gets them or they awaken)

idk if there will be actual backstory for Lu Guang, but I hope so. I wish to see their actual first meeting, though I don't think we will get that in Yingdu. At least not if the white hair theory will be confirmed, what I assume won't happen before s3 when Qiao Ling confronts Lu Guang.

(WELL? We got at least some background on him yet??)

"thank you for your cooperation, sweetie" is said to either Lu Guang or Cheng Xiaoshi after he helped Vein with something that seemed harmless, but lead to something horrible. (Bonus points if he says it to Lu Guang after whatever he did to help lead to Cheng Xiaoshi dying)

we learn something about Cheng Xiaoshi's parents

- a few questions will be answered, but in the end we will be left with more

every episode will end with a cliffhanger so bad I'll cry

I think that's all for now, need to sort my thoughts more for the rest

EDIT after seeing the final PV

Lu Guang's conversation with Liu Xiao about controlling the future has actually nothing to do with Cheng Xiaoshi's death because it hasn't happened at that point. It is the beginning of the Loop, though

Lu Guang's power turns out to be actually different than what we thought it was

EDIT2 after seeing the ending

the man and woman you see from behind are Xia Fei's parents who died in the big fire (blonde woman is his sister and part of me wants to say she thinks she's the only survivor but her brother survived, too. Adding this one solely based on that cipher reading "there is more than one survivor to this disaster". But in the end it doesn't make sense with XF being so prominent as a famous model, so... UGH. There is, again, more to this.)

(still dunno what his agency is though lol)

[zmediaoutlet]

Hi there, happy (Wincest) Wednesday. We know that when Sam and Dean were kids, they were frequently left alone while John was away, with Dean put in a more direct parental/caretaking role. So I wonder: do you have theories or headcanons about these times when Dean was left in charge? What do you think that was like for them? Thanks!

hello happy wincest everyday --

yeah, the "Dean as substitute dad and mom" thing is one of many that are absolutely wild in the canon of this show. It's soooo good that we only see a few moments of it in flashback (I know there are some fans who wish for like a whole 'prequel' show, but... they're wrong, haha, it's never a good idea to strip out mystery in favor of overexplaining and inevitably fucking up via bad retcons) -- and the moments we see are great, because they don't actually show "Dean as parent", because he's not a parent.

Important to remember that their age difference is only 4ish years. This isn't, like, 17 year old Dean dandling Sam on his knee, as some fics and meta kind of imply. This is one little boy forced to watch out for another little boy, but he's still a little boy. The parentification is particularly fucked up for this reason -- because of course, he still has to make food and he still has to be John's spouse-at-home and he still has to manage everything, but he's, like, 12. Would you let a 12 year old do that and expect it to go perfectly? If you were 8, would you call your 12 year old brother "dad"? No, you'd tell him he smelled like boogers and he'd noogie you in response and you'd try to wrestle him and then your face would get shoved into his armpit and you'd get told yeah? what does that smell like, huh? that smell like boogers? until you cried uncle. Because you're two boys.

Which, obviously, makes the times that Dean actually has to act as a clumsy parent all the sadder. He's just not equipped for it. This is maybe at its most poignant in the Christmas flashback, where he's flipflopping back and forth between big brother and attempted parent at high speed. He really wants to be able to comfort Sam when he's sad but he doesn't have the tools, and how could he. Similarly in the high school flashback (where I guess they're ~15 and 19 and Dean's just really too old to be at that school), when he's looking out for Sam and tries to go overprotective, but Sam shuts it down immediately and Dean has to settle, because -- is he a shouty big brother, or kind of a parent? Is he meant to beat up a bully on Sam's behalf, or talk him through dealing with it himself, or just listen to Sam's feelings on the matter? There's never an obvious choice because the roles are so blurred, and Dean really did his best but there's just no winning.

Really, it's remarkable that Dean and Sam keep liking each other after all this... disaster. They had pretty standard brother bickering and 90% of the time it's that brotherly vibe. Sam's resentful but he mostly keeps the resentment where it belongs (with John); Dean, more remarkably, doesn't seem to be resentful of being forced into that position (again, 90% of the time), I guess because he just genuinely likes Sam and likes hanging out with him and views the failures he had as parent as his own problem (and, when he's a little more emotionally solid, realizes that the blame for that also lies with John, as well as destiny et al).

The other thing that makes their relationship work, clearly, is also that Sam does not view Dean as 'parental'. He talks back and doesn't do what Dean tells him to do and understands the dynamic very well. He doesn't have two "bosses", and is intrinsically bossy himself, and is honestly amazing at maintaining a sense of solid independent identity even as an 8 year old. So I guess, with all that babbling, my headcanon (based firmly in actual canon) is -- Dean was 'in charge', and took that seriously, but it was an unstable and maybe confusing and sometimes very scary thing from his POV; and Sam never felt like that was 100% true in any case, and so from Sam's POV it was the case that they were both abandoned by John, and so Dean never really counted as 'parent' at all. Which is really cool. Characters with mismatched perspectives on the same event lead to great stories.