#and yes I know I might be wrong because I’m not a psychologist

[bigjaws]

How do you tell someone that you believe they might be on the spectrum? He’s 26 😕

[probablyintensemuses]

I Miss You, I’m Sorry.

Armando Aretas x black!female reader

🎧- I miss you, I’m sorry- Gracie Abram’s

summary: in an attempt to guard his heart, Armando pushes you away. But how far is too far? And will he ever have a chance to tell you his true feelings?

themes: angst and fluff.

warnings: gore and blood, kidnapping and murder mentioned.

authors note: I’m still obsessed with Armando. The more I think of him, the more I wonder how broken he must be and how confused and overwhelmed he might feel. I hope it can be explored more in future films <3

Hot and iced coffee was passed around to everyone in the compound, everyone but Armando.

You passed them out with a smile, never once looking his way.

The avoidance was purposeful, he could feel it in the way chills spread wide throughout his chest, desperate for the warmth of your gaze.

But you never gave it to him.

And maybe that had something to do with last night.

How he’d gone too far for the last time.

Last night, Armando was in a mood, working late at the compound. You’d found him crushing the weights, pressing out every dreading thought lingering in his head.

Like always, you’d been attempting to talk to him, let him see that he wasn’t alone.

You had approached him just as he was re-racking his weights and heading over to the treadmill.

With a small smile, you handed him a sweat towel. “What’s on your mind?” You asked, gently.

Armando wiped his face with the towel, tossing it to the side. “Nothing.” He grumbled.

You sighed, crossing your arms. “I know you’re lying. You only stay this late and train this hard when somethings bothering you.”

Armando eyed you, the fury of his troubles—his mothers lies and manipulation, all the innocence he’s lost as he killed for her, only for his life and legacy to amount up to nothing—glazing behind his eyes.

“Don’t try your psychologist bullshit on me.” He grumbled.

You swallow. “It is my job.”

“Not with me it’s not,’ he sizes you up with his shirtless frame.

“Armando, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just checking on you, making sure you’re okay.”

“What do you even know about me?”

You place a hand on his chest, fingers caressing his heart. Armando tries not to melt at the touch, wishing he wasn’t so starved for this kind of affection all his life.

“I know your heart, and I know it’s heavy, because we’re friends.” You say.

Armando grabs your hand, removing it from his chest, before his body decides to suddenly combust.

He lets out a low, resentful chuckle. Armando didn’t have friends. He couldn’t even trust his own blood, let alone some stranger like you.

He didn’t know why you continuously tried to look for the good in him.

There wasn’t any.

He was a cold, hearted killer. And no amount of hugs, smiles, or coffee runs would change that. He wished you’d stop, because he would only hurt you with expectations in the end.

“Who ever said we were friends?” Armando says, coldly.

You frown. “I just thought—,”

Armando presses the treadmills start button, rubber fills the air with a stench.

“I’m surprised you can think, because if you could, you would have notice that our relationship is one sided.”

You frown, clutching at the bottom of your skirt. “Armando, you don’t mean the things you’re saying.” You croak. “I know you don’t.”

Armando takes a step forward, his rising anger pushing you back into a punching bag.

Cornered, Armando leans into. “I mean every, fucking, word.”

You slip past the punching bag, shaking your head. “No.”

Armando can see the tears building in your eyes. His heart burns, but a deep breath snuffs out the flames.

“Yes. Now leave me the fuck alone and get the fuck out before I say something we both regret.”

Armando points to the door.

You bite your lips, salty tears leaking one by one against your warm brown skin.

Armando’s fist shake at his sides, wishing he could punch himself as he watches you leave.

He thought, like many times before you’d be over the spat. But he was wrong, because you still haven’t looked his way.

And he’d kill just to have one last glance at your eyes.

By the time lunch roles around, you and Armando still haven’t talked.

The silence was killing him.

So the moment you hit the corner, walking back from your lunch break, Armando grabs you up, pulling you into a quiet room.

“What the hell,” you push away from him. “Did you just kidnap me?”

“Kidnapping would require me to take you to a second location.”

You roll your eyes, walking towards the door. “Please move. I’m leaving for my prison sessions soon.”

“You still working there part time?” Armando questions. “It’s dangerous.”

You roll your eyes. “Maybe you should come visit for a session one day, considering your mental deficiencies.”

You attempt to leave, but Armando’s hand sticks out, blocking your exit. “You’re not going anywhere, not until you tell me your issue. Are you still mad about what I said last night?”

You pause, folding your arms over your chest. “I thought you wanted me to leave you the fuck alone?”

“So this about last night.’ Armando smacks his lips. “That’s petty.”

“Petty?’ You throw your keys and purse down. “More like downright disrespectful, Armando.”

“Do you want an apology or something?” Armando scoffs.

“No, actually, I came to terms with some things after I left you last night.”

Armando’s eyebrows raise. “Yeah, and what’s that?”

Your smile is crooked, hurt, and so unlike you. “That you were right last night, we aren’t friends.’ You grab your belongings and brush past him. “So let’s continue to act like it, yeah?” You slam the door shut behind yourself, leaving Armando more hallow than before you two had even spoke.

Armando rubs a hand over his face, his hands eventually finding their way to his hips as he lets out a loud sigh.

Had he made the right choice? Had everything he’d said last night been the truth?

Or was he just afraid of the possibility that his mother wasn’t the only one who could betray him? Or that one day you’d go against your gut and see that there was no light in him, at all, and all he’d do is snuff yours out if you got to close.

It wasn’t clear, the truth muddied by desire and fear, but maybe the space was safer for you in the long run. Neither of you could be hurt that way, anyhow.

May he should take you up on your offer and go for a therapy session.

Armando finds his way back inside the compound where he sees the team gathered around one of the large plasma screams, watching a large, bloody fight play out.

“What’s going on?” He asks, catching everyone’s attention.

The footage pauses and everyone remains silent.

Mike swallows, consoling Kelly as she wipes at the tears on her face.

“A riot broke out at the prison.” Dorn swallows hard. “And there’s not doubt that she’s been taken hostage by a patient of hers.”

Armando blinks, shaking his head. “Hostage?” He swallows, his throat drying up. “What the hell do you mean, hostage?”

“I mean the guards can’t find her anywhere in the prison and her office looks like a struggles taken place.’ Dorn sighs, taking a seat. “We can’t even get in contact with her.”

Armando’s fist curl up as he stalks over to Dorn with a fury. “Well you better keep fucking trying geek squad.”

Dorn stands, sizing Armando up. “You don’t think I’m trying. The place is a fucking dead zone right now, no one can get into anything!”

Mike slips between the two, asserting his weight and presence. Armando pushes against him, flashes of what could be your fate play in his mind. “Well try harder, we need her exact location.’ He turns, heading to the armory. “We leave in thirty.”

Kelly stands. “Hold on, leave and go where? We don’t have clearance there.”

Armando slams his hands against the cages guarding the Armory, sending a shock wave through the compound. “Listen here, I don’t give a shit about clearance, and neither should any of y’all. If it was any one of us in that situation, she wouldn’t hesitate, so we should do the same.”

The group is quiet before they join Armando in the armory. They work in heavy silence as they suit up, cleaning and checking their guns.

Armando’s mind reels and slips, imagining what could happen to you. You had no combat or weapons training in the fiel, your specialties lied in communications as a liaison officer for the department. You also oversee some of AMMO’s operations along side Rita.

Going back to school for a PHD in psychology was merely prideful, as you didn’t need too, leading you to work on a thesis in regards to the psychology and reform of prisoners, which is exactly why you were missing now.

If anything happened to you, Armando didn’t think his heart could handle the massive guilt of pushing you away last night and letting you leave today. If someone could grant him one last wish to cling onto you and never let you loose, he’d take it in a heartbeat.

“Armando,’ Mike says, his voice crashing over Armando’s thoughts like a wave. “You ready?”

Armando clocks his gun, shoving a knife into his pants pocket.

“Yeah.” He says.

Mike pats his shoulders. “We’ll bring her home, okay.”

Adrenaline didn’t allow for Armando’s pride to take control, he just nodded, following behind the team as they stepped out and began the pursuit to the hospital.

As the van nears the prison, kelly moves toward the back with an iPad in hand.

“When we get inside, Mike and I will coordinate with the other officers on sight to try and gather as many prisoners as possible. Dorn you’ll be air support with the drowns, and Armando you’ll find—,”

The van comes to a stop and Armando slings his gun around his body, adjusting it in his grip. “I know what I need to do.” He kicks the door open, rushing inside.

Armando slammed through the prison doors, doing a quick sweep of the halls before perusing down them.

The prison smelt of sulfur, gas and water leaking from the ceilings and floors as he walked past. He couldn’t believe this was a place you’d actively chosen to go to, no woman like you deserved to be here.

Armando pushed past a lot of broken cell doors and hiding prisoners, he was just about to turn the corner when a scream erupts from behind him.

Your scream.

His blood freezes over and his fingers clutch and sweat against his guns trigger.

What if he was too late?

What if you were hurt…or worse?

Panic carries him as he bounds down the hall until he reachers the only door.

He sweeps into the room, a large stage front and center, pointing his rifle at the front of the room.

You’re being held hostage by a man whose eyes are darkened and lust field. This must have been your patient.

Armando’s eyes sweep your body. Your cheek is scraped and bleeding blood, along with your forehead, smooshing curls to your face along with sweat and tears.

Your once white pant suit is soiled and bloody and your heels are long gone.

Armando just wants to shoot the man holding you, but he can’t, not without risking your life. The man holds a knife to your neck, pressing in and drawing blood, seeing Armando’s gun, he uses you as a shield.

“Back the fuck up!” He shouts. “Or I slice her open and spray us fucking both with her blood.”

Armando’s heat skips a beat at the thought. His mouth opens, the closes, he knows better than to negotiate as he couldn’t, he was used to just killing for these kinds of threats. But right now this man held the upper hand by holding on to you.

“Armando,’ you said, voicing weak and unsteady. “Leave us, okay.”

Armando shakes his head. “I’m not leaving you, not again.”

You whimper and your eyes shut, leaving tears to spill from them. Your cries alone were enough for Armando to drop a few rounds in this man, but he needed to be strategic. Something like you. He needed to try to use his words because maybe if he had used them earlier or last night he wouldn’t have anything to regret if this was the last time he’d see you alive.

Armando took a few steps forward. “What would make you let her go?”

The man shook, looking around frantically. “A way out of this fucking hell pit.”

Armando shook his head. “What if I said I could you that, off the books.”

The man swallowed, loosening his grip on the knife against your neck. “How? How could you possibly do that when this place is swirling with fucking cops!”

“The way I came in, there’s no cops stationed over there, so let’s make a deal.’ Armando drops his gun, letting it hang at his side. “You let her go and I get you out of here.”

The man narrowed his eyes. “Give me your gun.”

Armando frowned. “Why?”

The knife presses back into your throat and you scream out in searing pain. “So you can’t shoot me fuck head! Now give it to me heart eyes, or I cut her open.”

“Armando! No!”

Armando takes off his gun, placing it on the floor. “It’s okay, el cariño .’ He says. “I’m gonna slide it over at the same time you let her go, okay?”

Armando slides the gun across the room and the man loosens his grip, giving you enough space slip out of his hold.

You limp across the room and fall into Armando’s arms, he catches you with ease, holding you steady.

“¿Estás bien bebé?’ He questions, frantically pushing your curls away from your forehead. “¿Dónde te duele?”

You don’t respond, instead you pass out on his arms. Armando lifts you up bridal style. Heat boils through him at the thought of this man hurting you.

There was no way he was going to let him go now.

“Let’s go,’ the man says, clocking Armando’s gun. “Or it’s her fucking head, then yours.”

Armando walks you and the man towards the exit he came from, hoping to not run into any cops on the way.

His ears were buzzing, he needed a way to dead this situation without jeopardizing your safety anymore than it already was. That’s when he felt something searing in his pocket.

The knife.

Armando sat you down, tucking you against the wall behind a cell door.

“The fuck you doing!” The man shouted, jutting the gun at Armando.

Armando kneels over, pretending to be out of breath. “She’s heavy and I’m tired. I need a break.”

“Nah, muscle-head,’ the man’s says, putting the guns cold muzzle against Armando’s back. “There’s no time to be tired. If she’s too heavy, leave her and come back once you get me out of here.”

Armando smirked.

He’s just where he needed him.

In quick, trained motion, Armando whips his knife out. He turns, slicing the man’s wrist.

The man screams out in paid, dropping the gun. Armando uses his leg and sweeps his feet from under him, casing him to land on his ass.

The man clutches his wrist, crying out in pain. Armando takes no sympathy when he picks up his gun and shoots him thrice in the chest.

Armando scoops you up once more, calling into his coms.

“I’ve got her,’ he breaths. “Get a kit together, she’s pretty bad.”

Armando holds you tight as he walks you down and out of the prison. The warmth of the sun hitting your skin, the glimmer reminding him of just what he’ll never let go of again.

###

A stir shifts Armando awake.

His eyes open, blurry from the nights sleep before sharpening and focusing on you.

You sit up in your bed, holding your torso and groaning in pain.

Armando sits up, grabbing your arm and helping you reposition.

“How are you?” He asks, stuffing your pillows behind your back.

“Where am I?” You mumble, holding your head. You reach up and touch the bandages on your forehead, feeling a sharp pain spread, causing you to hiss.

“The hospital, you were hurt yesterday in the riot.” Armando says, taking your small hand in his larger one.

You nod, and Armando’s heart sinks when he feels you pull your hand from his.

“So what are you doing here?” You ask.

“I’m here with you.”

“Why?” You turn, glaring at him. “I thought we weren’t friends.”

Armando sighs. “Bebita, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“How else could you mean it, Armando?”

His hearts pace quickens, last time he didn’t use his words, he nearly lost you. He didn’t want to risk it and waste anymore time with you. “I was scared.”

“What?” Your voice cracks.

Armando grabs your hand, squeezing it. “I was scared to loose you. I was afraid you’d see how fucked up I am, and just when I thought I had you, you’ll see the monster I am and push me away.”

You shake your head, squeezing Armando’s hand. “No, listen to me,’ you take his face in your hands. “You’re not a monster. You were lied to and you’re hurting.”

Armando melts into your touch as you stroke his cheeks with your thumbs. “I see the good in you, and I’ll always be there for you. I promise.”

A tear slips from Armando’s eyes, the truth of your words bleeding into him through the warmth of your touch. “I’m sorry,” he says, nuzzling into your touch and kissing your palms. “Cariño, lo siento mucho.”

“It’s okay,’ you sniffle. “Come here.” You pull him towards you.

Armando leans in, the hospital bed groaning under his weight as he takes you into his arms.

Armando takes your face into his hands, titling your head, placing his lips onto yours. You two melt into each other, kissing away the physical and mental pain you both harbor.

“I missed you,’ he moans against your lips, holding you tight. “Te extrañé mucho bebé.”

You slip your hands into his hair, pulling him down and on top of you.

“I missed you too.’ Breathlessly, Armando shivers, pressing himself into you. “So never push me away again.” You say.

Armando sucks in a breath, taking in how breathtaking you look underneath him. “Sí, mamá, lo prometo.”

[emmatgc]

Wonderful World Fanfic (Chapter 7)

(This is only for Seon Yul and Soo Hyun shippers, nothing more. This is my own interpretation . This is a sequel to their story. New characters were added. This will be a mini novel for most probably 10 parts. Enjoy and thank you for the few who are supporting this! This is for you who made a request ❤️)

Chapter 7: Sweet Surrender

If you asked Seon Yul when his feelings towards Soo Hyun changed, he might now even know it. He was trying to hurt her but also protecting her from the get go. It is all coming back at him now. The sleepless nights just thinking about her. When they last talked by the lake and made a wish in that tree, secretly, his wish was for her and him to continue on living together and not separately but it seems he said that she has made up her mind and she was saying goodbye. In his mind, he believes that “She was saying goodbye to me specifically and what I represent- hate, anger, darkness and pain. So, it is better they move on separately and as always she was right”

So now, in the garden of love as what the movies might call it, he had it all planned but was a confession in the cards tonight?

Are you in love with me? 

Suddenly, Seon Yul can’t seem to utter a single word. His mind went blank and his heart is beating so fast that if So Hyun moves closer, he bets she can hear it. 

“Im kidding, Seon Yul”. It’s just that I know the meaning of “the moon is beautiful” in Japanese, remember I’m a psychologist. “Are you ok? Im sorry to ask and I was just caught in the moment as well”..she added. 

Seon Yul stood up and took his hand off Soo Hyun and felt like the world is ending in front her. He is so embarrased. He didn’t mean to confess tonight, but he meant what he said. That he adores her, admires her and he is not sure if it is really love, or being in love. How can he know? So, he is caught in this dilemma and he doesn’t want to lie anymore but doesn’t want to look like a stupid guy who doesn’t know what to stay after holding her hand and being in that moment. 

He is not kidding, she realizes. Her heart now is beating so fast, too.

With every ounce of his being, he can’t take it anymore and if he keeps on running from it, he might never sleep alright again. “What if I do, like you, Soo Hyun? What if I am indeed in love with you? “Will you walk away from me?” 

Soo Hyun was stunned. I.... Are you crazy? Before she knew it, tears started to flow and she was even more shocked why. “You can’t” “You can’t look at me that way, Seon Yul” You can’t feel that way towards me. Never. Ever. Do you understand me? 

Why? Is all he can respond. 

“Because it is not right. There is something wrong with you. I…killed your Father. I can’t be forgiven especially by you. This is just crazy. How can you love me when I hurt you so much? I killed you, too and have never forgiven myself for it”, she replied.

Seon Yul walked towards her and said “Yes, you killed me but you also brought me back to life”

Soo Hyun moves away from him.

This is impossible. “This can’t be” is all Soo Hyun can say over and over again. How can he looked at her more than a guardian and now as a woman?

Seon Yul can sense the struggle of Soo Hyun in herself like she is committing a crime to humanity. She is thinking loud, confused and scared. He doesn’t like what he sees. She doesn’t want her to suffer or be in pain just because of his feelings. 

“The past is the past , Soo Hyun. But If you don’t feel the same way, please let me know. I won’t force you. That is the last thing I want to do. I am sorry. “

“I have so many questions. I cant take this now. You hated me so much and now you are saying all this? I am so sorry if I find this crazy, confusing and frankly, scary, Seon Yul”. 

I never hated you. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. God knows I tried but I couldn’t. I wanted to hurt you so bad but when you got hurt each and every time, I got hurt as well.  Trust me, I wish I can wash this feelings away. Those 6 years I tried my best to forget you but none of it worked. 

You think I wasn’t confused, Soo Hyun? I was confused as hell. I keep asking myself a million times, why do I feel like this to the woman who killed my Father? Don’t you think I felt I was betraying my family especially my Mother? But, I guess I didn’t care anymore. My feelings for you were strange but It was stronger than anything. Believe me when I say, if I can stop it, I would have but I cant help but to fall. You are in my very soul tormenting me. I was deep in the tunnel for a very long time and you pulled me through slowly from the darkness that I never thought would leave me. You are my light.

With a heavy sigh of surrender, he added “Soo Hyun, I cannot live without you or the idea of you in my life. I want you in my life. So, whether you feel the same way or not, as long as you exist, I will be just fine. Just tell me what to do and I will gladly obey you. Just don't disappear in my life again.

This is all going on too fast. Both are fidgeting and the air is chilly but it feels hot. Their emotions are all over the place.

Soo hyun , looking down and nodding said “I can’t. We can’t. The world is not kind to the likes of us. This is forbidden. This is taboo. This cannot be. Impossible love. We will be trapped in our own world. What would people say?” 

“Impossible love? I believe it has become an addiction to me. I never thought you will care what others might say, you are better than that. There might be a hundred reasons why we cant be together but i only need one. Please answer my question, Soo Hyun. Do you like me or not?” 

Soo Hyun don’t really know what to say. For the 1st time in her life, she doesn’t know what to say. She knows she feels something but is it really love? Towards a boy? She knows he is no longer a boy but she can’t help it. She is old, he is young. She wants to say no for she knows she doesn’t feel exactly the say way as he is but she knows she cares a lot about him, too. All of this tonight is making her dizzy and losing her sanity. She wants to run away now. Away from Seon Yul, away from this conversion and confession. She wishes this is all but a dream. 

Just as she was about to leave….

Seon Yul grabbed her hand as if to say “don’t walk away from me”. “Please stop running away from me”. He  forced her a little bit to look at him and move towards him. He touched her face. His hands shaking but gentle and with all the Gods as witnesses, suddenly the moment is becoming the moment, under the same glittering sky and stars, it is now or never, he moved towards her and caress her cheeks. He never once broke his eyes off her. 

In a sweet surrender, breathing heavily, with their lips near each other now, he teased her and whispered in her ear “If you don’t feel the same way, just say so but if there is a slightest chance you do…can I kiss you, tonight?” 

(PS: Sorry, I know, you need more but please savor the moment.😘 I am trying to give them justice, as gentle and slowly as i can build them up as I can be with respects to both characters. I hope you are loving the more aggressive Seon Yul in this version and the very predictable Soo Hyun as least for now. That is how I always envision him to be in the original series. He is restrained but always has that "other side". If this made you smile, then the next one will make you giggle. See you soon! ❤️)

[yourlunarspice]

Hope your day is going well!!!

F: Share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why you're proud of it.

X: A character you enjoy making suffer.

My day is going alright, thanks for asking, Kiya <3!

X: A character you enjoy making suffer.

ALL OF THEMMMM Lol, yes, but there are a few I repeatedly go back to. I've made a list of how many times each character has suffered in my stories (not including WIPs). Right now, Bakugou is in the lead with 17, but Shinsou and Kaminari are right behind him with 15 and 13, respectively. After that comes Aizawa (12), Todoroki (9), and Kirishima (9). I love making each of these characters suffer so much, because their personalities and/or backstories make it so easy. It's so easy to twist their lives into something worth crying over.

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why you're proud of it.

This was really difficult to narrow down, but I think I've found one of my favorite pieces of dialogue. It's from my fic Tidal Wave (the second in its series). It's a bit on the longer side, so I stuck it under a Read More. The context is that Aizawa is finally confronting Shinsou about his increasingly-reckless vigilantism as a coping mechanism for Kaminari's illness. I'm proud of it because there's so much emotion in both of their voices, but there's also exposition, not only for the situation, but also how both Aizawa and Shinsou feel about everything. Everything is paced out realistically and you can feel their desperation, Aizawa's to save Shinsou, and Shinsou's to do something to save Kaminari.

“What the fuck have you been thinking?!”

Hitoshi couldn’t help flinching. He knew that Aizawa and Yamada didn’t approve of his vigilantism – it was the main reason why he had moved out – but he hadn’t thought it would make Aizawa so angry.

Aizawa continued, “Every night I worry that you might not come back from your little ‘outings’. But I never know because you never return any of our texts or calls. And tonight, I get a call because I’m still your emergency contact and I find out that you have been destroying your body day after day, being increasingly reckless as you ignore the Hero Code and your own morals!”

Hitoshi looked down and traced an old scar on his forearm.

“Answer me, dammit!”

The teenager looked up, glaring into blazing red eyes as his patience ran out. “What else am I supposed to do?! Waste away while Denki is suffering on the other side of the mirror? I know that I can still save him. I just need to be stronger! Otherwise, I have nothing left!”

The older man reeled back as if slapped. “Nothing left?” he hissed incredulously. “Nothing left?! You have us! Your family! Your parents and your little sister! Are you really willing to throw all of that away for someone who is essentially brain-dead?!”

Hitoshi gaped at the audacity.

Aizawa continued, “Don’t get me wrong, I love him too. He was my student and I did all I could to help him. So did you. But now there’s nothing left. So please, come home.”

Hitoshi trembled, his rage tinting his vision red. His hands clenched into fists, thin sheets bunching between his fingers. “How can you say that?! He’s still in there, he just needs the right help! We just need to try harder! How can you just give up on him? I still love him!”

“And what are you going to do if he still can be helped? You’re not a doctor or a psychologist and your Quirk isn’t going to work against someone who’s not in his right mind.”

Tears spilled out of his eyes and down his cheeks. “You don’t know that! It could be just what he needs to get into his right mind!”

Aizawa set his jaw. “I’m taking you home. And I don’t want you visiting Kaminari anymore.”

[stateofsope]

i don't know what to call this but i'm angry and stanning legends

Aks me what artist I would choose to see if I could choose any artist, dead or alive – and the answer will always be BTS.

Ask me if I’d rather see Taylor Swift live or any other artist you can think of – and the answer will always be Taylor.

No, I’m not choosing Michael Jackson or The Beatles or ACDC or I don’t know who. I don’t like them, okay? I don’t care about seeing them live. If this is your decision, then I’m happy for you. But there’s also nothing wrong about my answers. There’s nothing wrong about liking Taylor Swift and BTS.

Are they fucking mainstream, and literally everyone wants to see them live? Yes, and you know what? I’m so fucking proud of them for that. I stan legends and legends only – I don’t care that you define legends differently or can’t see that they are living legends.

I’m so fucking tired of people trying to tell me that the things I like aren’t what I should be liking. I’m so tired – because guess what, this is my life. I can decide for myself who I like and don’t like.

The funny thing is, I don’t rub it into your face who I don’t like. Especially if it’s someone you like, because I’m a person who cares about others feelings and doesn’t want to hurt others. Are you?

When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with the Jonas Brothers and Twilight. Wasn’t correct either. Wanna know what I started doing? I stopped talking about the things that were important to me. When people asked me what kind of music I liked, I would say, I like something of everything – which was a blunt ass lie. Because I was always a pop-girlie (ups, sorry that isn’t up to your standards). I was always the girl who likes the cheesy as novels and movies that make you cringe.

Yeah, yeah, I had my superhero phase and I still like some of that stuff and I’m a nerd – who would have guessed – but I’d rather be watching Barbie, sorry, not sorry.

It’s so fucking sad, when you think about it, isn’t it? I’m a fangirl. Fangirls love the things they are enthusiastic about passionately. There’re literally psychologists who say it’s good for your mental health. Hm, but mental health isn’t important if it comes to something that makes you feel cringe, isn’t it?

But I stopped talking about the things I like. I would keep it lowkey, I would only talk with my friends on the internet about it – if I talked about something I liked with someone else, I’d make sure it’s something my opposite likes too, because I didn’t want them to feel like I’m too much.

Honestly, hope you hate yourself a little bit for making me like this.

It took me many years to finally change this.

Even when I started liking Taylor, I would hide it. I would not tell people, because Swifties are on everyone’s hate-list. I got to see her live during 1989 tour, but there was no happiness for me from others, no enthusiasm, so my brain turned it into a night to forget and not a night to remember. You proud of yourself?

It took me until finding BTS, until finally being surrounded by people who are like me, who don’t judge you for what you like, but are genuinely interested, to finally start talking about the things I like again. (I mean outside the internet, obviously.)

Do I sometimes worry that I might be annoying my family or friends because I’m talking about BTS again? Yeah, but it’s okay. Because they saved me, because I wouldn’t be who I am without them.

Taylor did the same thing for me, but I never got to talk about it. Now, I talk about it.

I’m so unapologetically happy about the fact that I get to see her not once but fucking TWICE (choke on it) during the Eras tour and that I get to share this experience with my sister. She’s a big part of why I’m sick of keeping quite too. If I must watch her become quite the same why I did, I think I would just die. I couldn’t make it. I need her to be loud about the things that she likes – yes, I will sit there and let her tell me about her horses for hours, even if I have no interests in them, because she likes it and I love her, and nothing is every making me happier than her being happy.

So yes, I’m so sorry if I’m not giving you the answers you’d like to hear to your questions. I’m sorry I will tell you to shut up when you want to tell me how annoying it is that Taylor was shown for THREE FUCKING SECONDS during a stupid football game – but do you hear me telling you that football is stupid? No. Because I know you like it, so I will keep my mouth shut. You should try it sometime.

And if you ask me again what artists, dead or alive, I would do everything for to see them live and my answer is BTS? Do me a favor and ask me why – or if you don’t want to hear my hour-long rant about how amazing they are, just fucking google it.

I promise you, they are bigger than whatever artist you thought about. Just because you saved them in your mind as “some k-pop boys,” doesn’t mean they aren’t literal legends. (Like, just look up their discography and laugh at yourself for calling them pop.)

Same goes for Taylor, because I laugh if you tell me that old-ass band fills that stadium (80k people) and her stadium has less seats – does it scare you, that she’s filling that smaller but still holds 70k stadium three nights in a row and has filled venues with more than 96k seats for several nights? Is it scaring you every of her 152 concerts of just one tour are sold out or that she can drop the entire concert in the middle of tour as a movie and people are still begging her for more concerts, because they want to see her live so desperately?

Just let me stan my living legends and cry about you don’t liking things that are generally more liked by woman in some corner and don’t bring it to my table. I’m not gonna argue with you anymore. I’m not gonna be quite anymore. I’m not a kid anymore, you’re not intimidating to me anymore – you’re just like all other men. Choke on that if you want.

[shadowsshowdown]

Deus Ex: Human Revolution Shadow’s Showdown 35

The lass that is gone.

Detroit. Laura's apartment.

Connor was still trying to track down Laura's phone, but Adam already knew he wouldn't succeed. It had taken too long and was just a desperate attempt to delay his failure. The Chief of Security rubbed his temples and got up from the sofa to stretch his legs. With a slow step, he walked towards the terrace window. His phone rang when he was near Laura's antique clock. Ex-SWAT looked apologetically at Connor and left the apartment. He didn't answer until he was in the corridor; he didn't want that idiot to know that his psychologist, who was also his friend, was calling.

"Good evening Rupert. Is something wrong?" he asked since he never called him after eight in the evening. "No, not at all. Everything is all right. It's just me and my absent-mindedness," The Scot laughed. "Sorry for calling so late, I didn't look at my watch," he explained. "Come on, I'm awake anyway," he replied. "I just thought if you didn't have plans maybe you could stop by tomorrow for Christmas dinner. Demelza said I had to convince you because she'd be offended."

Adam was surprised at this proposition. Yes, outside of Crann Tara they had also met at his place, but he had never invited him over for Christmas. Anyway, the reason was unimportant now, though he was anxious to know it. Rupert had put him in a rather awkward position where a refusal would be a huge gaffe.

"I have no plans for tomorrow, so I will gladly accept the invitation. What time should I come?" "I think around noon would be just fine." "I'll see you then."

Jensen stood in the hallway for a good quarter of an hour more after the conversation ended. He still couldn't explain why the sudden invitation came. Agreeing to it at the same time meant he had to leave Connor alone which didn't fill him with joy at all.

"Connor, I had an important call and I have to go. Stay here until Laura gets back," he ordered. "Sure, I understand," he replied in a tone completely devoid of color, but the ex-SWAT could swear he heard superiority and triumph in it. "I'll let you know if she shows up."

Adam decided it was inappropriate to go to Rupert empty-handed so he went to the store before returning home. He was greatly relieved to see there was a young man, probably a student, standing at the cash register today. The Head of Security immediately went to the alcohol section and chose the best whisky they had on offer, later he also found cookies sprinkled with sugar. While they couldn't compare to those baked by Demelza, he had no better idea for a gift for her. Only at the last minute did he swap them for tea, figuring he might be committing a gaffe by giving her sweets. This time the cashier did not try to push him any promotional offers so he paid and left.

When he got home, he had an immediate urge to smoke before going to the shower. He also checked to see if he had any appropriate clothes. He found one last clean shirt and dark blue material trousers. He already remembered the Scot did not like to be overly elegant, so he resigned with the tie. Adam went to bed immediately after leaving the bathroom, but could not fall asleep. Laura's absence continued to haunt him.

In the morning, he ate scrambled eggs of three eggs and bacon, he would not swallow more anyway because of his nervousness and drank cool coffee. He tried to read another volume about Wallander, but he could not concentrate on what he was reading so he turned on the TV. Eliza was just relating Sarif's charity auction, and he was very glad that he wasn't Santa Claus. At about eleven o'clock he went to brush his teeth and comb his hair, which did not want to look the way he wanted it to anyway. He put on a beige shirt without buttoning a few buttons under his neck, sprayed himself with the usual toilet water, and then put on his shoes. In the closet, he found his jacket, over which he put his coat. Finally, he took two paper gift bags and closed the apartment.

The subway was quite crowded, but halfway there most people got off so he took a vacant seat at the end of the wagon. A boy was listening to loud music, which irritated him a lot. Not everyone likes what he does. Adam looked at his watch, the one he had on his hand. He had fixed it himself once and decided that he should wear it. It was half-past twelve when the subway came to a stop. Jensen got off climbing up the stairs. The familiar street led him to Scot's house. As usual, Demelza opened before he had time to use the doorbell. He smelled the roasting turkey and cookies.

"I'm glad you came, please come in," the woman with flushed cheeks encouraged him.

Laura sat with Rupert in the dining room by the fireplace placed in the corner of the room. She already felt very comfortable in his company. The man took the guitar in his hand and, leaning it against his thighs, tugged lightly on the strings. At first, he produced random strings of sounds before deciding what he wanted to play. The hacker wanted to help Demelza in the kitchen because sitting idly by made her uncomfortable, but the landlady firmly refused and told her to get dressed because she would not let her sit at the table in her sweatsuit. Dressed in a blue, slightly shiny blouse and black trousers, she watched the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree. She should be at least depressed, but all she felt was a joy.

"Go on, sing," Scot encouraged her seeing she was starting to think too intensely. "I can't," she tried to wiggle out. "Nonsense!" he indignantly replied. "At Christmas, everybody can sing. Enjoy it girl like it's your last day!"

The hacker took a sip of whisky for courage and set her glass on the coffee table. The Scot was right, she should at least forget about everything for a while or she would go crazy.

"If you don't know the lyrics, I have it written down somewhere on a piece of paper," he preempted her next escape attempt. "I know the song," she replied not wanting to lie anymore. "Sing me a song of a lass that is gone. Say, could that lass be I?" she began to hum timidly. "Merry of soul, she sailed on a day Over the sea to Skye." "Well you're doing pretty well for a novice," admitted MacKenzie laughing. "I'm better at dancing," she said embarrassed. "So what else are you waiting for? Free your soul, and you'll see that you'll feel better."

Laura listened to him and began to dance as completely spontaneously as when she was just a child. "Billow and breeze, islands and seas. Mountains of rain and sun."

"All that was good, all that was fair. All that was me..." At the next turn, her head spun a little. "is gone." She finished, feeling that she had bumped into something or rather someone. "Sing me a song of a lass that is gone," a husky voice hummed another line.

She immediately smelled that familiar slightly pungent smell. It had to be a dream. It was definitely a dream, so she closed her eyes. And that beige shirt unbuttoned at the neck.

"This isn't real. It's not real..." she repeated quietly, but loud enough to be heard despite the sound of the guitar. "What's not real?" Adam asked while smiling and keeping his hands on her shoulders.

The Head of Security was extremely relieved that Laura was okay. The relief was even greater because that idiot Connor was sitting alone in her apartment and would get a monstrous scolding when the hacker got home.

"That...you and everything," she said abashedly, covering her face with her hands.

Rupert continued to play, but he noticed that Adam was causing a sudden change in her mood. It was a mixture of fear, uncertainty, embarrassment, and immense joy that was being suppressed completely unnecessarily. Jensen carefully grabbed her hands and exposed the woman's face. "But I am real," he muttered. "You can check it out if you want."

At first, he was angry with the Scot for leading him into a trap and confronting Laura, but the blush on Miss Werner's face was so adorable that he quickly forgot his anger.

"I'll take your word for it," she wanted to pull back when she remembered their argument, but Adam wouldn't let her get away. "I wanted to talk but you ran away," he began to explain. "I have to interrupt you lovebirds," Rupert interjected, putting his guitar aside. "If you need a moment to yourselves, my office is open. No one will disturb you there. You can sit down, Demelza will make some tea and you can talk quietly," he offered.

Laura felt the shackles of fear tighten around her. Adam didn't look angry at all, but if they didn't understand each other again it would all be over. They slowly entered the study heading for the library. They sat in the armchairs and were silent. Just as MacKenzie said, Demelza brought them tea and kanelbulle.

The hacker noticed that Jensen wanted to say something, so she preceded him. "Adam, I owe you an apology. I behaved disastrously and unprofessionally in Washington. I should leave it to you. You're the Chief of Security, you've worked longer, you know how to solve problems like this. I act impulsively and unpredictably…"

"Calm down, please. I've long since forgotten. Yes, it was inappropriate, but most likely a reprimand with an entry in the file would not be as effective as public humiliation," he explained while sipping his tea. "I wanted to discuss this awkward situation with Megan."

He saw Laura's face cloud up and turn serious. However, he hoped that once he told her everything she would change her attitude. The woman remained silent while eating her kanelbulle.

"She came in unexpectedly, wanted to discuss some things about Washington. She said you did an excellent job. I really wanted to spend Christmas with you. Despite the argument." "And I ran off like an idiot," she muttered. "It's just a minor misunderstanding. Now we're here together, we'll try harder, we won't make the same mistakes," he assured her.

Laura rested her hands on her thighs and pressed her palms against the material of her blouse. It was nice to the touch, fluffy as a cloud. The woman bit her lip and closed her eyes. She knew what she wanted to say was a path with no return, but it was the only right thing to do. There would be no better opportunity. Adam kept talking, but to her, it was just a steady string of sounds. Something that needed to be interrupted. She took a deep breath.

"No, Adam," her voice was firm and strong. "We just don't fit together. Each of us wants different things, has our own habits, fears, or ways of doing things. Even if we can work together for a while, it doesn't work in the long term," she said looking ahead. "That's why we should stay friends and nothing more. It's better that way." "Maybe for you," he growled. "You're running away again, looking for excuses." "Call it what you will."

The hacker stood up, left the office, and went to her room.

"You're right to go to that Connor of yours since he's better than me!"

Rupert and Demelza walked out into the hall when they heard the door slam. That furious look from MacKenzie Jensen would remember for the rest of his life so he decided he should disappear for a while. He apologized to both of them for the inconvenience, though he knew it wouldn't be enough, and left. He hoped to catch up with Laura, but when he got to the station, the subway had just started to move so he cursed under his breath, lighting a cigarette. The Scot found he couldn't give up after all. They acted like a couple of kids but he had enough goodwill in him to forgive them. The only thing he regretted was Christmas. He had really hoped to spend it with more people than usual. However, he managed to paint a very gloomy picture of Laura, which he did not manage to tell Adam about.

The hacker woman bumped a few people as she walked to the end of the wagon but didn't say a word. When someone grabbed her arm, she jerked away and continued walking. She decided not to go to the company tomorrow. Not tomorrow and not ever. That decision had cost her a lot, but it was the best solution to her current situation. Adam was torn between her and Megan all the time, and if he didn't it was hard for him to show any clear-cut feelings anyway. She, on the other hand, didn't want another merry-go-round in her life, plus there was the unresolved Kratos case that was putting everyone around her at risk. The subway slowed before the next station, two more and she would find herself in a familiar area full of memories, at every turn reminding her that she did not belong in this world. If she could, she wouldn't get off the wagon but would ride until she was bored. A quarter of an hour later she was walking down the street with her hands in her jacket pockets. Until the evening she wandered around the city without much purpose. When she returned, she went to pick up Stalker from her neighbor.

"Good evening I came for the cat," she said with a pleasant smile. "He was looking forward to it as much as Mr. Jensen. He asked about you, miss," the neighbor replied. "Yes, he mentioned me," she lied. "We met by chance. Thank you for taking care of the cat." "Petty, really. He's a very polite cat," she admitted with a smile.

Stalker and polite is some novelty, she thought.

"Thank you again, have a good evening." "You too."

With a nervous movement, the hacker began searching for her keys in her pants pocket. She was relieved when she got home, although the fact that Adam was asking about her didn't make her feel any better. She threw the keys on the cupboard. The cat got spooked and ran off into the kitchen. Her jacket was on the ground, one of her shoes next to it. She'd left the other on the way. She didn't turn on the light except by the kitchen cabinets. Laura took the milk out of the refrigerator and the cocoa out of the cabinet. She always used the best one without sugar. When the milk was heating up she prepared some food for Stalker.

"Your stomach is like a drum," she muttered, adding a teaspoon of honey to the drink as the cat rushed greedily at the food.

With a mug of cocoa in her hand, she went into the living room. The faint light from the street streamed in, slightly touching the coffee table and sofa. Laura sat down on it feeling something hard under her butt. She jumped up as she was scalded when the thing moved and lifted. The cup soared upwards and the brown liquid sloshed at the intruder.

"Holy shit!" she heard a scream. The voice was very familiar.

The frightened hacker jumped back and in a split second, she was already at the entrance to the living room.

"You could be a little careful what you sit on. A little more and you'd break my leg," he muttered.

Laura turned on the light frowning her brow. "Connor? What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Relax," the man changed his tone to a more gentle one, stretching his bent arms out in front of him. "I'll explain everything to you if you let me." "I'm listening," the woman growled, leaning her shoulder against the wall and crossing her arms over her chest. "I came to see you because you gave no sign of life. A little while later Adam showed up and we were trying to find out where you were. I was afraid something had happened to you, so I well... I broke into your apartment." "You had no right!" she yelled. "You both didn't have one! I can understand you at all, but him?!" "Jensen has nothing to do with this," he didn't want to defend him, but that was what his innate honesty dictated. "While he was at the neighbor's I already managed to open the door," he explained. "We were worried about you! Me, Adam, even Faridah."

The worst thing she could hear at that moment was someone was worried about her. The hacker bit her lip as she remembered what had happened at Rupert's. She'd rejected Adam, ruined MacKenzie's Christmas, ruined everything. Again.

"Take off those wet clothes," the hacker changed the subject. "I hope I didn't burn you?" "Don't worry, it'll dry soon," he replied with a careless wave of his hand. "I insist. I'll get them washed and dried right away."

Stay, please. I don't want to be alone right now. Connor sighed loudly. Laura was acting rather strangely in his opinion, so he took a chance and asked directly. "Are you going to tell me what happened or are you just going to circle around the problem like a swallow?" The hacker woman hearing those words started walking back and forth around the room. If she might not have insisted on his stay, then she would have avoided all this. She didn't know when the man stood behind her back and put his hands on her shoulders.

"Come on, let it out of you," he said quietly, leaning over her ear.

He felt Laura tremble as she choked trying to control the tears coming in. He realized then it must be very bad, but he didn't insist.

"I pushed Adam away. I told him we weren't meant to be together, and it would be best if we stayed friends."

Under normal circumstances, this should have pleased him. Laura is free now, he could have taken the chance, but he didn't. Perhaps he would regret it, however, using her weakness to his advantage would be cruel.

"Sometimes that's just the way it has to be. If you felt it didn't make sense you did the right thing. Now there will be regret and sadness, but even that will pass because nothing lasts forever, not even a cold November rain."

Laura turned around, hugged Connor tightly, and began to cry. The man hung his arms in the air not knowing what to do. After a moment he embraced her and patted her back.

"I'll stay if you want someone who knows a few stupid jokes and tricks with a coin. I can even throw it into a glass of beer if it would make you feel better," he said in a joking tone.

The hacker laughed through her tears. "I'm sorry, but I don't have any beer. Just milk and water."

"That's okay, I have an idea. We'll order beer and pizza. I know a great place. You won't regret it." "I'm not hungry, really." "No buts," he said firmly, reaching for the phone. "Okay, I give up," she sighed. "I'll go and prepare your towels. You'd probably like to take a shower." "That would be nice if it's not a problem," he smiled, then picked the pizza restaurant's number from the list. "No problem," she replied, disappearing into the bedroom. "Good evening. I'd like to place an order for two beers and two medium pizzas, please." Connor waited a moment for the woman he was talking with to start taking notes. "Number 28 and 10, no sauces. I'm already giving you the address: 423 Gd. River Rd, Apt. 303. In half an hour? Great. Have a good evening." "Everything's ready. Leave your clothes on the washing machine. No buts," she looked at him sternly. "Okay officer, the detainee will not resist," Connor laughed raising his hands in a gesture of surrender, and went to the bathroom. "There will be food in half an hour!" he yelled from outside the door.

Laura cleaned up in the meantime, though the stain on the sofa would probably remain. A quarter of an hour later she heard the doorbell ring so she went to open it thinking it was the pizza delivery guy. On the way, she took her phone with her to pay. Her beaming face suddenly froze in a grimace of surprise and fear when she saw it wasn't the pizza delivery guy at all.

"A...Adam? Why did you come?" she momentarily changed her tone to a harsh one. "I don't think we've explained everything yet," he said in a firm, husky tone and walked into the hall without asking permission. "Yes, we have explained. If you haven't understood something I'm very sorry. Now please get out of here," she said firmly but calmly. "You need to come up with something better. I'm not going to fall for your threatening face," Jensen didn't let up. "This is my apartment, and you are persona non grata here."

Ex-SWAT wanted to insist further. He knew Laura was acting against her will, but she wouldn't tell him it was about Kratos. Because what else could it be about? He had almost opened his mouth when he saw Connor. He was wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips. He realized he had lost another fight.

"Laura, I can't find the shampoo," he said before he even noticed the Head of Security. "Oh, hi Adam. You see? The lost one is found," he informed with a wide grin.

Jensen didn't reply, he just left. Connor looked at the hacker, but she didn't look distraught. She didn't exude joy either. The woman went to the bathroom, passing by muttering something about washing. A few minutes later she returned with his pants and t-shirt.

"They look clean," she said handing him the clothes. "And the only male shirt I have is this one. It's Adam's if you don't mind," she explained. "It's yours now, so it doesn't bother me one bit," he smiled.

Just as he finished fastening the belt of his trousers the doorbell rang again. The man glanced at Laura.

"I'll get it. It's probably our food," he said and went into the hall before she could do anything.

If Jensen decided to return, however, he would cool his ardor. By force if necessary. What Laura needed right now was some peace and quiet to calm her emotions. Luckily it was the pizza delivery guy, so he took the order, paid, and closed the door.

"The food has arrived!" he announced while still in the hall.

Stalker jumped into Connor's lap as he barely managed to sit down on the sofa. Laura laughed and chased the cat away.

"Oh leave him be. He's not interrupting, is he?" he muttered opening his beer.

For the first half-hour, the hacker was tense. She usually met Connor on neutral ground, and now he was here at her place and likely to stay the night. After a few sips of beer, she lay back on the sofa with her head resting against his thighs and let him be fed with the pizza.

"I’m too good for you," he burbled, feigning displeasure.

The woman reached into the cardboard box and slid a slice of pizza up to his lips. "Is that better?" she asked laughing.

"Much better, but I think I'll bite your hand off, it looks appetizing." "I need my hand. I'll give you my beer and the rest of the pizza for it," she offered. "Bribery... I don't know," he tilted his head closing one eye. "Agreed, but if you add a nice smile." "OK. Beer, pizza, and a smile for a hand."

They both laughed out loud.

Adam's apartment.

Adam walked into the hall and hung up his coat. Vanilla came to greet him, though having a cat tangle under his feet was the last thing he wanted at the moment. He took off his shoes and before he went into the living room took out of his coat pocket a small black box tied with a gold ribbon. He went to Laura hoping to give her a gift and tell her how much he cared about her. He went with the intention of making a final decision. He went because he wanted to say he loved her.

He poured himself some whisky into a glass, lit a cigarette, and went to the window. There was a light shining in the room at Laura's. He was sure he could see two silhouettes. Connor is staying with her tonight. Jensen felt he had lost everything. He felt mentally exhausted, and it was a worse feeling than after the events in Mexicantown. Vanilla gave a long meow, squatted on the stairs, and began licking her paw.

"Shields," Adam commanded in a rough tone.

He was soon plunged into complete darkness

All  chapters can be found: [AO3], [dA], [Wattpad] and [Tumblr]

[inmyheadandthoughts]

20th December 2022

i guess i knew this would happen, but i didn’t quite prepare myself on how to react to it. I just had my first consult at the psychological clinic and the outcome was...how should i put it. I know that of course nothing conclusive would come out of just a single consultation, but to say that i’m doing well because i’m eating “well” (my psychologist’s words) and exercising (that doesn’t mean that it was beneficial) is almost a blanket statement. It’s like...yes i’m eating, because if i don’t eat people will see that i’m not eating and won’t leave me alone. And yes i am exercising on and off because that’s what people say would make you feel better but guess what, i did not feel better. So how can the conclusion be that i’m doing well? Ok, to be fair “doing well” wasn’t what she said - it was more of implied - but i don’t know if she recognises that i am not coping well and in fact, am struggling to keep my head above water everyday; this is (((maybe))) one of the reasons why i feel so exhausted, and now i am increasingly doubting that something is wrong with me. But if so why do i feel so uncomfortable? Is everyone really like this then? Constantly wanting to die but just afraid to take the next step?

In short i felt like this consult was a disaster. If i’d known it’ll be so short and it would be almost like a therapy session, i’d have prepared for it (even though she was like “no no it’s ok no need to be stressed about it”). I basically speedran my way through my problems, only for her to tell me i’m actually ok? It’s not that i want to have something wrong happen to be or am being insistent about it, it’s just...i feel very suspicious and very frustrated. I could tell that she was as well - i even told her that and apologised (why the hell did i do that lol) for being incoherent. Yeah, everything is my fault again - as i learnt from childhood. If anything i’m glad she also realised that maybe CBT on its own isn’t all that beneficial for me, and i’m glad for that. And it could be a possibility that i can’t regulate my emotions properly (?) which is kind of interesting i suppose. Maybe that’s because i mostly just stuff things down (childhood things amiright). In the end we’d just have to wait till the next session which is going to be in 2 months’ time (! public healthcare is scarily slow) The only thing i got recommended was netlifx’s Headspace and all those mindfulness things which...i’m not too sure how to feel about this. She says to watch when i’m in a neutral state, so I’d give it a try when i am in that state i guess. Although...what if that never happens. Hmmm. 

These days, i’m either on the verge of tears (if i’m not already crying my eyes out and wanting to scream), or i’m just super numb, floating in the ether-type feeling. Almost like my body is too heavy and i’m floating in this dense, sticky liquid. I just wished that i could work from home because i feel like my emotions are showing and i’m bringing bad vibes to everyone in the office. I got asked if i was ok today. What was i supposed to say? Obviously i had to say yes. If i’d said no i’d be asked the reason to why i wasn’t feeling ok, and i wouldn’t even know what to say. Plus i really, really do not want to shed a single tear in the office (this has been my workplace golden rule. Or if really needed, cry alone where nobody can see you). My creative director already spotted tears during our year-end review and that got to me more than i expected; at first i was like ‘oh shit, she could tell’, and then now it’s like ‘you dumb fucker why did you cry over nothing? Now they can see that you can’t handle even a simple thing’. YES I KNOW, negative self-talk...this just keep going in circles and i cannot find an effective way to stop it anymore. Like my psychologist said...CBT is making me realise this and too much thought-stopping might make things worse(? can’t remember if her words or mine, lol). TL;DR now...(i have lost my train of thought) maybe i’ll pick up the stuff i was recommended and give it a shot. With my naturally negative mindset i don’t think it’ll help, but i can try.

PS my headaches have not gone away since being incredibly stressed out in august and during mid/end september, it’s been going on for months and gets worse in the mornings and when i’m battling insane waves of automatic thoughts these says. I got really dizzy last friday (hence the referral) and with my mental health going down the drain i don’t think this will end any time soon.

[barnes-n-nobles]

Helped (NON-CON SMUT)

Please reblog, like, and let me know what you think!

Summary: Dark! Physiologist Druig x Reader . Your psychologist is a bit much and the lines soon start to blur. 

Warnings: Smut,  dark Druig, dirty talking, non con smut, mind control in a sexual way, stalking, mild Daddy/kitten dynamics,

Drugging

Mind control

Stalking

Praise / she loves to please him and he takes advantage of her

18+ !!!! If you “keep reading” you are acknowledging that you are 18+ and that you have read the warnings.

Please Do not translate, no permission to repost any of my writing on any other platform, and do not copy this and claim it as your own.

A/n: I do not study psychology some things might be very off, just trying to set up the scenes better

After a hard and unhappy relationship with your ex, you decided to seek some mental help. He left you feeling really bad about yourself and depressed. Going to therapy was honestly such a great idea and you thanked yourself because you soon started to feel way better. You finally felt like you could talk to someone about your problems without having to feel like you’re inconveniencing whoever is listening. At least your therapist got paid for listening to you. Druig was just so good at doing his job, he made it feel like you were someone he actually cared about but he was just doing his job. He was also extremely attractive and you would be lying if you said you didn’t think of him often, but he would never go for a damaged girl like you. Or so you thought.

When you got to his office, the receptionist walked you into the session room, gesturing you to sit and she explained that he was running a little late but that he would be in in a couple minutes. You thanked her and sat on the comfy chair and waited for Druig to come in. You often wondered what kind of mental problems he had, or if he even had any considering he’s a physiologist. Getting up you decided to stroll around the room, and looked outside the polarized window. Moving on to his desk you noticed that there was sticky note on his computer that had todays date and your name on it…with a heart next to it. In a second you felt your ears start to burn and it spread across your face. Why was there a heart next to your name? Did he like you? Did he think you were cute? Does he do this to other patients? Your mind was all over the place and you felt way too excited.

“you’re a curious little kitty today, aren’t you?” Druig chuckled making you snap up and around. Fuck. How embarrassing for someone to catch you snooping around. Specially for that someone to be Druig. “I-I’m so sorry. I’m so embarrassed. I needed a pen a-and” Druig smiled and walked towards you taking your hand in his. “Oh y/n…don’t worry you’re not doing anything wrong no need to apologize. What did we discuss in our last session..” he asked taking your hand in his. “You don’t need to apologize over silly things” you repeated looking down at his hand. He took your chin with his index and middle finger and lifted your face slowly. “No you silly girl. Yoouuuu don’t have to apologize for little things.” He mocked letting you go and asked for you to sit as he sat down too.

“Now let’s get started. Well first let me apologize for being late, I was taking care of something personal” he said taking a deep breath and readjusting himself. “Problems?” You asked curiously. “No not at all. Well, it was but it’s not a problem anymore. I just had to set up some cameras in my house but theyre a lot harder to set up when you don’t hire a professional to do it” he explained. “But enough about me, how’s my favorite human doing” he said getting his pen and pad ready. Uugghhh he’s so cute you thought to yourself , and favorite human??? I think yes. He chuckled at himself and cleared his throat to try and mask his action.

“Favorite human huh? You’re too kind. Well…I’ve been good everything is pretty much the same except that I recently started to read more. Ive been reading some romantic novels. I know probably not the best idea ever but I find those really comforting.” Druig paused his writing and nodded looking up at you with a smile “that’s good Y/n..I’m glad you’re finding new ways to exercise your mind…I know what you went through with your piece of shit Boyfriend so it’s only normal to gravitate to something safe like that….what kind of romantic novels are they?” He asked. You paused trying to think of something. Telling the truth was not an option you didn’t want to say it. “Just like regular romance stuff, nothing too kinky” Druig noticed how you fidgeted with your nails and how you were avoiding eye contact. “Let me ask you again, but this time don’t lie” he commanded. “I don’t feel comfortable sharing.” You answered “it’s embarrassing”. Druig chuckled as to lighten the mood, “no problem hun, you’ll tell me eventually..or I’ll have to force it out of you…now..let’s move on”. You laughed at his threat thinking nothing of it. The rest of your session went by pretty smoothly and you wanted to ask about the sticky note but then you would only expose yourself. He’d think you were definitely snooping around if you brought it up. But why a heart, you though.

“That’s all the time we have for now y/n. Same time next week, I’ll have our front lady give you the reminder card” Druig stood up and gave you your weekly hug. You often wondered if he was like this to everyone. What if he was just too much a flirt? You didn’t like that idea. “What’s wrong sweetpea? Youre not giving me the strength I need from you” he asked peeling away. “Sorry im just a little too perceptive today. But it’s nothing really. I’ll see you next week okay?” You explained reaching for your belongings and you started to walk away, but his hand halted you from going any further. “One more hug, please. For the road?” his beautiful eyes were so mesmerizing, how could you even resist this. “Okay” you giggled and soon the both of you were intertwined once more. His eyes changed and he was back in the familiar space of your head. Reading you from the inside and looking for the answer he needed. Once you broke the hug, he looked at you with soft and kind eyes, smiled at the thought that your feelings for him only got stronger with every seed he planted in your head. “I know you saw that note y/n..…I look forward to seeing you next week, darling” He whispered caressing your face before leaving the room.

You froze in embarrassment, not knowing what to do. Would he bring it up in next weeks session? Your phone rang and you saw it was your best friend.

“Hello?”

“Y/n! I got let out early today from work. Let’s meet up at the Starbucks near your house.”

“Yes that’s perfect I gotta tell you something and I need your opinion. I’ll be there in 10”

“Uuu yesss. See you then”

~~~~~~

After you two met up and discussed the whole situation with your therapist, she had quite a bit to say.

“You have free will. You will do what your heart wants you to do but this isn’t right. Yes he’s obviously a sexy mother fucker but this chemistry that you two have must be addressed outside of the therapy room. This isn’t professional and you have to realize that this is happening IN therapy he’s taking advantage of your mental state with all this touchy feely gig” your friend explained. “I know, I just can’t bring myself to act on it.” You murmured. “Maybe you can get another therapist?” She suggested. The thought of not seeing him often made you heart hurt. You looked forward to seeing him but maybe she was right, you were definitely attached to him and you looked too much into his actions. “I guess so” you sighed. That night you went to bed and contemplated how you were going to break it to Druig in the next and last session. Would he be offended ? You weren’t sure if you were doing the right thing but your best friend did make sense. But you still weren’t 100% sure. You rehearsed what you wanted to say in front of your bedroom mirror over and over again each night. When it was time for bed you got your water from the pitcher on your nightstand and took some sleep medicine to help you on those days that you just couldn’t shut your mind down.

~~~~~~~~~A week later ~~~~~~

You entered the facility and you mentally repeated what you were going to say today. Your heart raced every step of the way, and it almost jumped out when you were brought into Druigs room and he was already there waiting for you. He did not seem happy and chipper like he usually was, he was sort of…mad. Fuck why today, you thought to yourself.

“Welcome back Y/n. How have you been” he asked with no emotion, not even bothering to look at you. “Im good, hey are you okay? You seem upset?” You asked sitting down. He lifted his stare from his pad to yours and back to his pad. “Im fine. Let’s get started” as the session went on there was tension and he treated you so…professionally. You didn’t like it one bit and you even got mad, but maybe this is what you needed to break it to him. As you two were finishing up you stated, “This is actually my last session here at your office. I’m feeling much better and you’ve been a great help, thank you for that.” He scoffed, “What why? You’re not ready to leave my care. You haven’t improved as much as I need you to. I’ll see you again next week, okay?” he said snapping back into his old self as if he wasn’t just mad. “ I feel better now. There’s no point in me coming back if I feel better” you answered. “DONT do this Y/n. I need you to feel better. You will only feel better if I help you through it. Don’t you want me to take care of you? To help you? I only want what’s best for you” He said almost whispering so no one could hear him. “I..I I don’t know” you stammered. Maybe he did care for you like he said. But you weren’t sure anymore. “I’ll think about it” you added. Druigs anger started to bubble up and he decided to walk away from you, he then slammed his fist on a near by drawer making it crack from the bottom. “Why are you so ungrateful. Am I not doing enough? I just want to make you feel good y/n, you’re literally my favorite person ever. Do you hate me?” He asked with tears in his eyes and he turned around to wipe them away.

Something about seeing him crying snapped something inside you. You went to him fast and hugged him from behind. “I’m sorry Druig, I’m sorry, I just thought it would be better for me to find another person to talk to. You make me feel confused and it was getting hard to see through your actions and what you meant by them. I’m sorry. I’ll be back next week okay? Please don’t cry” you begged hugging him tighter. You didn’t want to disappoint him, and seeing him cry because of you was something you didn’t want to see again. Druig smiled. Everything is coming together, you were a pleaser and he was going to use that to his advantaged. You’d soon make the most beautiful and submissive plaything ever. His cock twitched at the thought he just had to be patient. He turned around to face you. “I know I should have done this better but I would like to take you out on a date.No more misleading actions, I will show you how much you mean to me, okay?” He said rubbing his thumb over your lips. “Yes Druig”. He planted a soft kiss on your cheek, he lingered a little too long but it made you burn inside. This affection was something you only read in books and you wanted this.

~~~~Later that evening~~~~~~

You spent all your afternoon shopping and looking for cute clothes. When you found what you needed you headed home and started to get ready. Gosh you couldn’t believe how long it had been since you went out on a date but this certainly was a nice change. When you got to your room, you noticed that something’s were shifted around. You suspected someone could have gone inside your home but that was impossible, everything valuable was there and the doors and windows didn’t show any signs of forced entry. You thought it was super weird but you also thought you might have moved some things. Your phone then got a notification making you move on and forget all about that. It was Druig asking if you were still going to meet him. You answered yes and he then sent you another text right after. “We’re going on a little stroll to one of my favorite rose gardens before we go to dinner. Make sure to drink allergy medicine if needed!”. You smiled thinking how beautiful that sounded. You were definitely allergic to roses but you weren’t going to let that stop you from going. You did as he said and grabbed some water from your pitcher and you took an allergy pill. As you chugged, you realized that the water tasted funny. You grimaced and put the already empty tall glass down. You headed into your closet to get the newly bought shoes out and your world started spinning. You lost your balance and you tumbled to the floor dropping your phone. Your eyes started to see black and that was all you recalled.

Druig smiled at his phone when he saw your unconscious body on the floor. He thanked himself for setting up those hidden cameras in your bedroom. He was able to study you for a week and he learned about you. He always checked in and made sure you were a creature of habit as he had suspected. The day before your therapy session he checked in and heard you speaking about seeking another therapist and he decided it was time to make his move. When you were out shopping, he broke into your home and laced your water. It was all going according to plan.

When you woke up, you were in an unfamiliar place. You were in a big bed adorned with soft blankets and huge windows that displayed the city lights. Where were you? You quickly remembered where you were before and what had happened, you quickly got up and tried to be silent. Someone had kidnapped you and you had to get the fuck out. When you opened the door you started to look for an exit. There was a really nice kitchen and living room and a door in the corner. As you made your way across to the door, you tried to turn the knob as silent as possible but it was locked….from the inside. You panicked trying again to unlock it. “That won’t work silly y/n” You heard a familiar voice say from behind you. You jumped at his words and turned around, seeing him take steps closer and closer to you. “Druig what are you doing here? What am I doing here. Where am I?” You asked still not knowing anything. He chuckled and took your hand pulling you toward him. He wrapped his hands around you but you struggled to get him off you. “Answer me, where am I?” You questioned. He pulled your hand and dragged you to his big sofa and made you sit. “You’re Home y/n, I got this nice ass apartment for you and I know how much you wished you could live in a high rise, somewhere you could see the city lights from. Isn’t it incredible” he said gesturing to the huge windows in the living room. “Why am I here? I thought we were going to go out ?” You questioned. “Oh no baby, you’re not going anywhere for a long time. Not until I train you to obey me by your own will” he darkly explained as he sat next to you.

“Druig stop. You’re scaring me. Take me home” you demanded. He looked at you with a blank expression. He knew he could just MAKE you adapt but he wanted a challenge. “This is your home now. Don’t make me repeat myself.” It clicked in your head that he was not joking and you needed to run. You got up from the couch and started to dart to the back door that led to what you hoped to be the fire escape. He used his powers to trip you and you stumbled across the floor. “Bad bad girl y/n…” He chuckled darkly as he dragged you back to him with his mind as you struggled to stop yourself from moving any further. He grabbed you by your hair and lifted you up to your feet. “Your mind is full of filthy little things and I’ve been inside of it ever since I met you. I know exactly what you think, feel, want, and need. I love your mind baby I love your soul and what makes you…you. Don’t be afraid angel, I’m going to take care of you from now on” he explained now holding you by your waist as he pressed his lips against yours. You tried to pull away but he commanded you, “Dont fight it” and with that you just let it happen. You stopped squirming around and you started to kiss back. He moaned into the kiss and started to undress you. “I wish I could be patient my love but you’re just too delicious” he purred while unbuttoning your shirt. “Please Druig no” you whispered. “Dont tell me no y/n. I know that you’ve fantasized about me fucking you into oblivion. There’s no need to resist kitten, Daddy’s here to make it all better” he said pushing you down onto the ground. He soon took all his clothes off and sat on the couch, spreading his legs and bringing you right between them. “Show me what your pretty little mouth can do” he demanded as he grabbed your head and brought it closer to his member.

You shook your head in defiance but you couldn’t resist the feeling that was growing in your pussy. “Naughty little thing. You’ll get what you need soon, that’s IF you do as I say..” he said slapping his dick on your mouth to open up. “Now Open” he said as his eyes changed to gold. You complied and his head rolled back, letting out a deep rooted groan. You felt so much better than he thought. “Mmm fuck babygirl just like that….you’re doing so so good for Daddy…that’s it all the way in” he praised making you even more horny. As you sucked him up you pressed your pussy down to the floor, moaning on his dick. You didn’t know why you were so turned on by him despite now knowing what he truly was and what he was capable of.

“Think of me Darling…only me” he said while pushing you down onto the floor. He tore off whatever clothes you had left and he kissed you passionately. Breathy and sloppy sounds soon filled the living room, making his dick leak pre cum in anticipation. His hands roamed your legs and he slid one of his hands between your legs, rubbing your soaking wet cunt. “Druig stop” you whispered trying to hold back your moans. “If you really wanted that you wouldn’t be soaking, you know you want this…you want me to fill you up to the brim and make you mine all night long” he said forcing himself between you. “Why are you doing this” you cried. “Because I want you. You’re capable of following directions perfectly with the right push. You’re incredibly kind and loving. I chose you to be mine wether you want to or not princess” he said rubbing his tip on your clit making you shudder. “I know how you think of me y/n…I see the lust in your eyes when we talk. You want this” he said commanding you again. “I want this” you repeated. “Good…now brace for me darling” he said as he sunk himself inside you moaning out in pleasure. When his juicy cock slid inside it made your pussy burn as he was so big. You screamed and closed your eyes shaking as he reached all the way inside. His hand clamped over your mouth as he smiled sadisticly. “Shhh…not too loud. Other people might think something bad is happening” he said snapping his hips into you. Your cries were muffled by his hand but they soon started to turn into moans as you adjusted to his size.

“That’s it kitten, you take me so good” he cooed. As he rammed into you, he wrapped his hand on your throat making you moan in a choked out state. “Druig..” you whispered feeling that familiar pressure above your belly warning you that you were close. “Not yet…Daddy needs you to hold on longer. Can you do that for me?” He said against your lips, releasing his grip and kissing down your neck. “I’m gonna cum” you warned. “Oh you are now? Well let this be a lesson…always…listen… to what… I tell you to do” he said snapping his hips into you and then stopping his movements. He pulled out of you making you whined at the loss of the feeling. Your hips bucked up slightly as if trying to reach the orgasms that was now fading back into you.

He brought you back up to him and pushed you onto the living room window. He picked you up and slid himself inside. “DONT worry, no one can see inside” he smirked as he continued to pound you. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as his dick worked wonders. His lips locked with yours and his tongue slid into yours. You tried to fight it but he bit your lip, making you gasp. You unwillingly let him in and he moaned into your mouth, exploring it all. He pulled away and looked into your eyes dead on. “You’re mine. Only mine. Tell me who you belong to kitten” he demanded. You were so lost in the feeling and the need for you to cum was becoming unbearable. “You, Druig” you answered hoping that would be enough. “Dont make me pull out again. Who do you belong to Y/n..you know what I want you to say” he moaned. “ You daddy” you squealed. His thrusts got faster and sloppy making you shiver as your orgasms was near. He reached your g-spot over and over again making you yell out in pleasure. You orgasm hit you hard, making you squirt in the process. Your juices dripped on the floor and Druig came inside you, cursing at the feeling and nuzzling his head in your now bruised neck. He filled you to the brim, his cum joined your juices on the floor, making a huge mess.

He brought you to the couch and laid you there, not disconnecting from you. He laid on top of you panting trying to stabilize his breathing. “This is what I want for us love, this closeness and intimacy only for us to enjoy. Be mine forever” he said listing his head up and kissing you. “Look at me” he commanded as your eyes opened to meet his. “Be mine forever” he repeated. “I’ll be yours forever” you answered, but this time you weren’t commanded to, something inside you wanted this too and it just felt…right.

[lunarticxenia]

Moon Signs Pt. 1

My take on moon signs based off people I know! Now personally, I tend to have more strong opinions on my favorite moon signs than favorite sun signs. I feel like moon signs really indicate more about a person’s personality than their sun sign, imo. It does rule emotions and behavior after all. With sun signs I struggle with picking favorites because I do genuinely have people I like of every zodiac sign. I just go by the number of people I like from each zodiac sign. Anyhoo, here’s my view on each moon sign! 

Note: These are p long bc I have such strong thoughts on moon signs so I’m splitting it into two parts. :) 

🍂 Aries Moon: Ahhh, my moon sign. I won’t be biased though, I promise. So Aries moons based off other people I know is that we low-key got anger issues LMAO. Every single Aries moon I’ve met besides myself has anger issues, with the exception of one person and she still gets irritated easily. Aries Moons are also extremely sensitive, and they tend to be overlooked for that since they’re fire signs. I’ve found that a lot of what they get angry about has to do with their feelings, if they feel they’ve been wronged this really can make them angry as they are super sensitive. They also get angry when they feel like people aren’t listening to them, as they take this very personally. I’ve also noticed that Aries moons are EXTREMELY honest, they will tell it how it is and they are extremely blunt. They don’t like to beat around the bush, and they are very direct with how they feel about something. Aries moons are also extremely passionate and spontaneous especially in relationships; they’re the ones who wanna kiss in the rain and ride horses into the sunset, that is if you can get them to settle down with you LMAO. Nah all jokes, they’re picky about who they want, but once they really fall for someone it’s very hard for them to let go. They’re also so competitive, they will play dirty. My grandpa used to let me win in checkers as a kid, my dad (who’s an Aries moon) NEVER let me win. He said me losing would help build character LMFAO. He just didn’t wanna lose.They also have strong personalities and can be SUPER impulsive. Also, if they wanna do something, they WILL do it. No one is gonna stop them. If they wanna go somewhere at 3am, they’re doing it. Sorry. You can’t stop them. LMAO. Aries moons also love to be in touch with their inner child, my dad is an Aries moon and bought himself an arcade machine out of nowhere LMAO. I also like to collect shells and watch Disney movies to remind me of my childhood. They also tend to change their views and opinions on things a lot, and mind you they have intense emotions about these things. So it can be hard to keep up w them. 

🍂 Taurus Moon: Taurus moons are just so calm, it’s scary LMAO. I know a few of them, and even if they’re anxious about something you can never tell. They always have this calm demeanor and just seem so unbothered by everything. Taurus moons also LOVE money and the finer things in life. The male Taurus moons I know work a lot just so they can have a lot of money. One of them literally said to me “Money talks” after explaining to me why they work 7 days a week, 12 hours a day doing two jobs. The crazy thing is, despite doing all that extra work, he just seemed so unbothered about it LMAO. The female Taurus moons I know tend to love really expensive clothes and dressing up. This Taurus moon I work with has such nice clothes and always dresses like she’s on a Vogue cover. Like I said, Taurus moons LOVE money and the finer things in life like expensive clothes. If they aren’t the types to dress up or be workaholics, they desire comfort. They would rather lay in bed and take hot bathes than be bothered to do all that extra stuff. They also might like to eat out at expensive restaurants, and are “foodies”. They also might be big lovers of music and have lots of different music tastes. Also, Taurus moons? STUBBORN. Good luck trying to get them to change their mind on something. Also, despite them wanting all the luxuries and comfort of life, they are SUPER grounded. They do not live in a dream world, they see life for what it is, and prefer to be on the ground than have their heads in the clouds. Also, Taurus moons, I’m sorry, but y’all can be lazy. I work with three of them, and they can be lazy. They will not do more than the bare minimum. Also, their anger is low-key scary. Especially since it can come out of nowhere since they’re calm all the time, you never know when they’re angry and if you catch them at the wrong time... well, rip. They also tend to be introverted- even if they’re social, you will not know anything about them unless you’re besties with them or related to them. Doesn’t matter how well you know them, they don’t air their dirty laundry and keep their private life private. Also one last thing, omg these people sing all the time. They love singing to themselves, every single one I’ve met does that LMAO. Anyway, love my Taurus moons. 

🍂 Gemini Moon: Gemini moons love to make people laugh LMAO and love to just sit down and have good talks with people. Their minds NEVER stop working. Good luck trying to get them to stop talking once they know you. They can and will talk about anything for hours. Now, I do admire that, but sometimes I just wanna relax and they won’t stop talking to me LMFAO. My dad’s girlfriend is a Gemini moon and at family gatherings she loves to dance around and try to get everyone else to dance. I find that Gemini moons are very active and love to move around, and try to get everyone to have fun. Definitely the life of the party. They’re super amusing and also love to tell jokes and funny stories. Now not all of them are extroverts especially if they have an earth sun sign. So that is something to consider. My cousin is a Gemini moon and tends to be more introverted, however, once she’s comfortable around someone and knows someone she’s super goofy and loves to make people laugh. Gemini moons also love to learn, they’re always teaching themselves about something. My cousin who’s a Gemini moon just randomly started teaching herself how to do sign language (she’s good at it also)! These people are also SUPER adaptable, they can get along with any kind of personality and can adapt to any situation. I’ve also noticed that they love to playfully roast people and annoy them LMAO. I have noticed that they struggle with reading the room, they tend to just continue to annoy someone and can take it too far, which can get kind of annoying. They’re also extremely curious and are always asking questions. They love to ask random questions without any context. It’s a quirk a lot of them have. Trying to tell a story to them can be frustrating because if you mention certain terms they’ll ask you what they mean LMFAO. My dad was telling a story about how he used surfing to explain physics concepts in class and his girlfriend asked what the concepts were and what they mean. Also, they’re really good at giving advice. These people would make great psychologists imo. This girl I used to talk to (who’s a Gemini moon) actually is becoming a psychologist, so there you go LMAO. 

🍂Cancer Moon: Oh Cancer moons...you guys are so sensitive. They feel everything and anything. I haven’t met a Cancer moon that isn’t an empath. They are extremely good at reading other people and sensing their motives. My mother is a Cancer moon, and she’s always been able to tell who’s toxic in my life. She doesn’t even have to meet them either, just based off of stories I tell her, she can pick it up right away. Now, everyone always says Cancer moons are super close with their family and that’s definitely not always the case. The Cancer moons I’ve met have actually had a lot of problems with their family. Now the thing that I’ve noticed with these placements is that despite how toxic their family is, they always stick by them. Even if they’re not close. So I wouldn’t say they’re all super close with their families, but they always stick up for them, which can be an issue if their family is toxic. Also, Cancer moons, SUPER MOODY. I’m sorry but like I’m a Cancer sun and they’re ten times more moody than I am LMFAO. I’ve always said they act more like the stereotypical Cancer than Cancer suns. Also, this is a super underrated placement for humor. Every Cancer moon I’ve met has been super funny. Also, a super underrated placement for anger issues. Everyone says oh yeah Aries moons have anger issues, like yes, BUT HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN CANCER MOON ANGER?! Y’all Taylor Swift is a Cancer moon and wrote a whole album about how fed up she was about the media mistreating her and the whole Kimye thing (rightfully so) but y’all see my point. They can and will fight you. They also tend to be introverted, even if they’re social, (which I rarely see), they would much rather keep to themselves. I’ve also noticed that they’re very nostalgic a lot. My Cancer moon ex used to just randomly go through childhood photos and would show them to me. They’re also EXTREMELY protective over people they love, they will KILL for the people they love. They also love to talk about their dream homes and interior decorating a lot? My Cancer moon ex was OBSESSED with coming up with his dream house and would literally draw out diagrams for me to see. My mother too, she wants to redecorate her apartment and was showing me all the potential furniture that was gonna be put in. Oh Cancer moons, LMAO. 

🍂 Leo Moon: Oh Leo moons. You guys can be so dramatic LMAO. Every Leo moon I’ve met is so dramatic; these are the types of people who get up and move around when telling a story and also do dramatic hand gestures. These are the types of people who post a black screen in middle school on Snapchat saying “Don’t hmu.” LMAO. My Leo moon friend gets so mad when I make that joke, but it’s so true. These people are also naturally super creative, the Leo moons I know love to decorate and draw. Even if they don’t do any outright creative hobbies, they have a creative streak to them. It’s weird though because despite them being very dramatic when it comes to them being angry, they struggle with expressing their personal problems to other people. (This however can be changed with other placements, but I’ve found this to be true in many cases). They don’t want people to think that they’re weak, so they put up a tough front to hide that they’re hurting. Also, Leo moons, are indeed the hype friends. My Leo moon friends gas up my Instagram posts so much. They’re also extremely loyal and don’t like to leave people out, they hate that kind of shit. They’re also extremely accepting of others, my Leo moon friend was the first person I came out to, and they accepted me right away. They also love to take pictures of EVERYTHING. Like when you go out with them, they will make you wait before eating your food so they can take video of your food together LMAO. They love to capture every moment, I personally find it very endearing. Also, a lot of people say Leo moons are super cocky. I don’t find this to be true. They can come off that way, but I’ve found they tend to actually be pretty insecure and they try to hide it by coming off as confident. I feel like Leo moons tend to put on a show a lot to hide how they truly feel, which makes it hard to get to know them. It makes me sad because they truly are such kind hearted people and all they want is to feel validation. I also found that they love to go above and beyond to make sure everyone else is happy and tend to put themselves last. I wish y’all didn’t do that, you deserve to be happy too. ;( 

🍂 Virgo Moon: Workaholics. That’s how I’m starting this LMAO. My friend is a Virgo moon and works her ass off. She goes above and beyond in school for starters. For this anatomy course we had together, she sent me a whole diagram she made of the human brain on Notability and it was so intricately made. She also works her ass off at her job and takes care of her siblings. I feel like this falls into Virgo placements putting others before themselves. Virgo moons are definitely the types to be like this. They want to make everyone happy and they want to feel useful so they do all these extra things to feel that way. Virgo moons are also super smart, and have the best study methods. Low-key jealous. They have this incredible drive and are always on top of things and have a routine. Also Virgo moons LOVE animals. My friend who’s a Virgo moon, works at a dog sitting business and has 6 pets at home. They LOVE animals. They also like honesty and bluntness; they will provide you with that as well. They don’t like beating around the bush or lying to make other people feel better. You wanna know if you look bad in a dress? Ask a Virgo moon, LMFAO. I’ve also found that they struggle with wanting to be perfect all the time, and struggle with anxiety. As I said, they want to be the best at everything, and this can be a big source of anxiety for them. These people also find themselves attracting people who they want to “fix”. They also give amazing advice and are super reliable. Also, last minute plans? They HATE them. Want a Virgo moon to hate you? Try making spontaneous plans with them LMAO. Virgo moons also have great memories; they’ll remember every little detail about you. Also Virgo moons are the types to take charge in a group project and run the whole thing because they don’t trust anyone. Virgo moons also always appear to be calm and collected, even though many of them frequently deal with anxiety a lot. Also, they’re low-key underrated for humor. They have a very dry and self-deprecating sense of humor LMAO. They also go above and beyond in relationships because they enjoy seeing the people they love being happy. 

Anyhoo, this wraps up part one!  Also these are just my opinions, so don’t get offended I tried to praise and drag all of them equally <3 

Part 2 here. 

[cerastes]

Due to the way the ADHD brain is 1) constantly underestimulated and desperately craves estimulation but 2) hates estimulation that doesn’t pertain to the personal interests of the person, it ends up being pretty personalized due to how creative and “I’ll do shit my way” the ADHD person tends to be, but a very common, generalized baseline of how all these personal, custom methods are usually developed, an important part of their bedrock, if you will, tends to be “everything I really hate, I’ll simplify to its purest, most basic form, which leaves me with the parts I’m really good at doing, and then I just fill out the insufficient parts with the output from the parts I did great”.

It’s easy to perceive it as mental handicaps because the usual methodology of neurotypical people makes up feel like we’re doing shit weird and wrong and we could be doing it better and “why can’t I do what everyone else is doing and works for everyone else but me?”, until you realize your own method of doing shit works out just fine and you can do incredible things and most others will look at the way you do things and say “what in the FUCK is wrong with you how can you actually live like this?”, because we are our own teachers and unfortunately it is unlikely anyone can teach us how to do things, BUT we can take ideas and suggestions and, through a lot of trial and error, we end up figuring out exactly how we tick and how we can pull shit off.

This is also why I’m adverse to the majority of these “ADHD tips” posts, unless it’s very generalized advice based on how to form a methodology, more than concrete and precise tips: Concrete and precise tips are just what works for each person, and they MIGHT work for you, an ADHD person, the way it did for the ADHD OP, but they might just not work, so those posts should be taken as “I’ll try it out” more so than “OH MAN TAKING NOTES THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO DO YES OR YES”, and if it works, joyous occassion, if it doesn’t, it was worth a try but now we move on. 

As an ADHD psychologist, back when I still was a therapist and worked with ADHD kids, my advice was rarely about specific tips, rather, I’d help the kid with their homework, but not by telling them the answers, just helping them actually go through it in a way that was easy and natural to their own style, which I’d take notes of, and then we’d work out more concrete things, and we’d try out what worked and what didn’t. It usually went well, because the thing with us ADHD people is not “teach me how to fish so I can catch fish and eat”, it’s “ok, so, I know I need to learn how to fish, but the rod approach just doesn’t work for me, I don’t get it, it doesn’t feel natural at all, is there anything else I could be doing? -> yeah, here’s a harpoon, let’s see if this works, or you can throw a stick of dynamite into the lake and then collect the fish, maybe even just grab the fish outright with your hands, hell, maybe you don’t need this boat, maybe you need a pier, or to swim wth the fish, we need to find the way YOU yourself are good at catching the fish, and limiting ourselves to the rod, which is what most ‘normal’ people use, is to shoot ourselves in the foot”.

[fibrowarriorgirl]

Autistic women aren't as rare as you think

Did you know that women are a lot less likely to be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder? And no, this isn't necessarily because autism in women is just a lot less common. It's because autism in women usually presents itself very differently than autism in men. Autistic women often get misdiagnosed with anxiety disorders and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. And to be fair, anxiety disorders, BPD and ASD all have quite a lot of similarities.

The damage of being diagnosed with ASD later in life is bigger than you might think. I know this too well. For as long as I can remember, I have felt different in comparison to my peers. I could never put my finger on it, but something about me felt different. Not even just different, no, I felt wrong. There had to be something wrong with me.

I remember a conversation I once had with my mum, although I doubt she remembers this. I think I was about 9 or 10 years old. She had just picked me up from school and we were sitting in the car, when I said to her "I'm special, aren't I?" My mum of course responded by saying how special I was because of how kind and funny and smart I was, because my mum has always been my biggest fan. And I remember I quickly stopped her and said "no not like that, I'm weird."

Weird. It's something I've been called a lot in my life. Most times, it was told jokingly by my friends and family. Other times I was being called weird by bullies or by teachers who should've never started working with children in the first place. I've always known I was weird. So when my friends called me weird for taking something a bit too literally, I honestly didn't mind. As a child I liked being weird. Being weird meant I was being true to myself. As I got older, I noticed that being weird wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Before I knew it, people thinking I was weird became a subconscious fear of mine. Being weird meant I was myself, yes. But it also meant I didn't belong. Being weird confirmed that I was different, special. That I was wrong.

I was about 9 years old when autism was first suspected. I was making repetitive movements all day long. The movements looked a lot like stimming, something that a lot of autistics do. I don't really remember the test they did. All I remember was that I really liked my psychologist, Sarah. We were always in a room with lots of toys. I remember that my mum once explained to me what autism was, and why they thought I might be autistic. She said "autistic people don't see the big picture, they see a bunch of small things." As an example, she said that autistic people don't see a house, they see windows, a door, walls, etc. I told her I wasn't autistic, because I always see a house. In hindsight, it is pretty ironic to see how literally I took that explanation. Taking things 'too' literally, another sign of autism.

A few weeks after that, Sarah told me that she didn't know if I was autistic or not. In her words, 50% of me was autistic and 50% of me wasn't. They ended up not diagnosing me, and referred me to a hospital to see if it wasn't actually epilepsy.

No, I don't have epilepsy. We later found out I have something called Stereotypic Movement Disorder. Which I will elaborate on in a later post.

For years to come, that would be the closest I'd ever come to an ASD diagnosis. I was also tested for ADHD a few times as a teenager, but to no avail. As I grew older, the feeling of not belonging grew stronger. I was always wondering why I felt like such an outsider, maybe it was just all in my head? I was diagnosed with generalised and social anxiety when I was 16, which I thought could explain the feeling of being an outsider. But if that feeling was caused by anxiety, why did I have that feeling all my life?

When I was about 19 years old, I started suspecting I might be autistic after all. I asked my mum what the reasoning was of my psychologist all those years ago to not diagnose me. Apparently, I met all the diagnostic criteria. But because I had empathy and a lot of fantasy, I was not diagnosed. Since then, I have been fighting for an official diagnosis. I wanted to see on paper that I was diagnosed with ASD.

This was insanely hard to do. I tried talking about it to my psychologist, who dismissed me by saying I didn't need another diagnosis. Whenever I tried to tell someone about my struggle with getting diagnosed, I'd often hear "but you don't seem autistic". I'd get asked why I thought I could be autistic. I'd give my reasons and as a response I'd hear "well you might be on the autism spectrum but not enough to be considered autistic."

I was begging people to do a diagnostic test. I needed to prove that I was right about this, and how much it would help me. Even if we did the testing and it turned out I wasn't autistic at all, I could at least let that idea go and go on with my life. It was so frustrating that nobody believed me. My mum and my partner were the only people who actually believed I was autistic when I told them my reasoning.

And then, an angel in the form of a psychiatrist turned up. After only a few minutes of telling her about myself, she asked me if I was ever diagnosed with ASD. This resulted in enthusiastic rambling on my part. I told her everything, how I felt out of place, how I was almost diagnosed, about the repetitive movements, etc. She is the one who ended up setting up a diagnostic exam for me. And this year in August, I was finally officially diagnosed with ASD. The psychologist who did the diagnostic test told me this was one of the most obvious cases of autism he had ever seen.

You have no idea how relieved I was to finally, FINALLY be diagnosed. That feeling of being different, being wrong. No, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm autistic, that's it. My psychologist, who kept dismissing my suspicions, later told me she didn't want to see if I was autistic because she thought I was looking down on myself. Never once have I seen being autistic as a bad thing. It's just who I am, that's it.

Now I live through life, knowing that I am autistic. That feeling of being out of place, something I've had all my life, is gone. I cannot even describe how liberating it is to have that burden to be lifted from my shoulders. A part of me is angry though. I have been begging for years for help with this. And time and time again, I was ignored or dismissed. Often just being told it was some type of anxiety. I also wish that my psychologist all those years ago didn't refuse to diagnose me. I met all the diagnostic criteria, that should've been enough. Imagine if I was told I was autistic when I was 9. What that meant for me, why I felt like I was different, that there was nothing wrong with me.

Please, believe women when they say they think they're autistic. You have no idea how much you'd be helping us.

[gatesofember]

Hey, I really love your autistic Nico take, it's super well thought out and I appreciate it greatly

I'm not autistic, but I do have PTSD and pretty sever anxiety, and I have almost down to a T, the same characteristics as Nico (I'm not saying he's not autistic, I think you're right)

(and OBVIOUSLY Nico has PTSD as well), do you think these things coexist? And um, how much they overlap?

I'm genuinely sorry if I phrased these wrong, I just love your take on it and would want to know more

(For context, this is the post being referred to.)

Hi! Ok so I want to start out by saying I’m not a professional and I can’t give you as good an answer as a real psychologist, so take my words with a grain of salt. However my undergrad education is in psychology and I have personal experience (I don’t have PTSD as far as I’m aware but I do have very severe disabling anxiety as well as ADHD, autism, and depression). I also did a bunch of reading on this because my textbooks never specifically mentioned the overlap of PTSD and autism so I wanted some actual evidence before I just gave you my own speculation.

In short, yes, of course autism and PTSD can coexist and there is a considerable amount of overlap between them.

A lot of neurodivergencies and psychological disorders have overlapping symptoms. In my post I talked a little bit about how some autistic symptoms are prevalent in other neurodivergencies, particularly ADHD, but I didn’t get into how some symptoms are also very common in both mood and anxiety disorders aside from mentioning RSD.

Autism and anxiety or mood disorders like PTSD/anxiety/depression can present similar behavioral symptoms, but have different cognitive triggers. Flat affect, for example, might be caused by having fewer positive emotions in something like PTSD or depression but by difficulties with social reciprocity in autism. Lack of socialization might be caused by social withdrawal in an anxiety or mood disorder but by socialization difficulties in autism. Hyperarousal and trouble with emotional regulation are seen in PTSD and anxiety disorders and in autism; in PTSD it’s often in response to something that reminds someone of their trauma and in autism it can be in response to emotional stimuli or something like discomfort or a loud noise that sends someone into a meltdown. Panic attacks and autistic meltdowns are similar, but a panic attack is triggered by fear while a meltdown can also be triggered by something like frustration, and panic attacks are more sudden while meltdowns come on more gradually. A person with PTSD and a person with autism might both be touch averse, but the person with PTSD may be touch averse because of a traumatic experience while the autistic person could have sensory issues that make touch unpleasant.

Aside from subtle differences in similar symptoms, one way to tell the difference is that autism should show up in childhood, while PTSD has a triggering event(s) and other anxiety and mood disorders develop over time. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help much in the case of childhood trauma/anxiety/depression. With Nico I think it’s difficult to tell because we didn’t see much of him before he found out his sister died and became homeless, which I’d say is the initial trigger of his PTSD (ofc Tartarus later gave him double PTSD) or at the very least was the start of a mood or anxiety disorder. We also don’t get a lot of time with his POV, meaning that most of what we have to go off of is behavior rather than his actual thoughts and we don’t know why he acts the way he does or how he feels.

But despite differences, you can also have both. None of those differences I listed conflict with each other. For example, I’m not very social both because I have socialization difficulties and because I’m withdrawn due to mood and anxiety disorders. I can’t tell the difference between panic attacks and meltdowns, probably because I am terrible at identifying my own emotions or how long I’ve been feeling them for, but I also think they’re often the same thing for me or they happen simultaneously.

In fact, most people with a psychological disorder also have another one. When a person has multiple disorders, they come together like a puzzle and you can’t just look at the individual pieces anymore. I might question if my flat affect is autism or depression, if I’m having a meltdown or a panic attack, or if the reason I say something inappropriate is autistic social problems or ADHD impulsiveness. The fact is it’s all of that. Every person is unique, the roots of each of their disorders are tangled together, and for me at least, my ADHD, autism, anxiety, and depression kind of roll together to make one case that is unique to me. I think it’s like that with Nico, too. His ADHD, autism, PTSD, and depression make up the unique Nico disorder.

That being said, the overlap in symptoms between various disorders, including autism and PTSD, can make them difficult to diagnose. Many professionals feel this way too, but I would not be at all surprised if autism was underdiagnosed in people with PTSD and vice versa, with PTSD underdiagnosed in autistic people. As a personal example of underdiagnosis, it took me a very long time to find someone who’d listen to me when I said I thought I might be autistic because everything I said was brushed off as either my ADHD or my social anxiety. I wasn’t even given the opportunity to explain why I thought I was autistic (btw, when I finally did find someone who was willing to listen, I sent them a detailed seven page paper full of reasons I thought I might be autistic complete with examples, and they said it was such a perfectly described case of autism that they asked for permission to use some of my examples to help other patients understand whether they might be autistic too).

(It’s also worth mentioning that the DSM-5 criteria for trauma is very limited and doesn’t include trauma that’s more psychological in nature, which leads to a lot of underdiagnosis of PTSD. For example, emotional trauma caused by bullying would not count as trauma if it didn’t include a threat of death or injury. I am ignoring this particular part of the DSM-5 because it’s bad. Trauma can have lots of causes and limiting the definition prevents people from getting help.)

Rates of anxiety and PTSD are much higher in autistic people than in neurotypical people (at least in adults; from what I’ve read, autistic children have similar rates of PTSD to neurotypical children, but I would not be surprised if there’s underdiagnosis going on). Often, experiences with autism can cause mood or anxiety disorders. (For me, most of the reason I have such severe social anxiety is a combination of uncertainty about how I should respond to a situation coupled with bad past experiences in how people have reacted to things I’ve said/done.) People who are neurodivergent are also more likely to be teased, ostracized, bullied, or worse, so they’re more likely to experience trauma. Symptoms of autism such as rigidity, difficulties with emotional regulation, and hyperarousal also make a person more prone to developing a mood or anxiety disorder. An autistic person would likely have a worse reaction to a traumatic event than a neurotypical person and would be more likely to develop PTSD as a result.

This is speculative on my part so I want to put out the disclaimer that I haven’t read anything about this specifically, but some autistic people have very high emotional empathy (I wrote about the different types of empathy in relation to autism here but basically the gist is that autistic people tend to be bad at identifying what another person is feeling, but not at feeling what another person is feeling, and some autistic people are actually very, very good at feeling other people’s emotions). People can get PTSD through indirect exposure to a traumatic event, such as a loved one going through the trauma or being a medical worker helping in the aftermath. Maybe autistic people with a strong ability to feel other’s emotions, especially combined with emotional regulation problems and hyperarousal, would be more likely than a neurotypical person to experience PTSD this way.

Anyway: yes, PTSD and autism can and often do occur at the same time and they can have very similar symptoms. Here are a few links to pages about PTSD and autism if you want to know more (all on my current favorite website, which is run by autistic mental health professionals): [1] [2] [3]

[stillness-in-green]

Why Deku's ultimatum to Overhaul is bad and he should feel bad

This is a bit outside my normal character wheelhouse, but I really need to get a rant about it off my chest, so here goes:

The Deku and Overhaul scene in Chapter 316 is terrible. It is fucking terrible.

I took a whirl around Overhaul's tag up through when the leaks first started dropping, but didn't immediately see anyone talking about why it's so fucking terrible, only concerns about letting Overhaul see Eri (understandable, but baseless, I think), some empathy towards Overhaul's current state (totally warranted!), some snark about Deku being So Done with Overhaul (haha because who cares about Deku's stated goal of trying to understand villains, right?), and, worst of all, some cooing about how Deku was being so compassionate and noble by offering Overhaul that olive branch.

Deku was not being compassionate and noble there. Deku was being arrogant, small-minded, and so shockingly cruel that it leaves me speechless that anyone could think his stunted and hard-hearted "offer" reflects well on him.

Deku's entire motivation in this arc has been wrestling with the realization that he might have been able to avoid some of the desperate battles of his past if he'd understood more about the villains he fought. He thought of three very specific people--Stain, Muscular, and Overhaul--as he reflected, "Maybe it wouldn't have had to go that way if I'd understood them better." He then thought of Gentle Criminal and La Brava, people who he’d come to some understanding of, who he’d been able to soften the conclusion of his battle with by going along with Gentle's fiction downplaying what had happened between them. The whole line of thought was intended to contextualize his newfound desire to save Shigaraki.

It soon became apparent that Stain, Muscular and Overhaul were, in fact, encounters that he would be revisiting, as a chance to see how he'd grown since he faced them, and as a dry-run on reaching out to villains that would give him a chance to practice ways he might reach out to Shigaraki when the time comes.

Well, based on his performance so far, the idea that Deku might be able to reach Shigaraki is laughable.

Firstly, his tentative questions to Muscular were ill-timed, all wrong for the middle of a battle. Muscular laughed him off, and I don’t think there’s any version of that scenario in which he would have done otherwise. Muscular was a huge threat, gleefully violent, disinterested in conversation about his history. Obviously, right in the middle of a fight was no kind of time to try to figure out what made the man tick! But Deku didn’t get the luxury of choosing the circumstances of that encounter, so yes, that battle probably was unavoidable, certainly if Deku wanted to stop him from doing further damage. But the idea that because Deku couldn't reach him right then and there, it's impossible for Deku--or, indeed, for anyone--to reach him at all is fallacious. Not every person has to be able to like or understand every other person. If Deku couldn't reach Muscular, so what? That doesn't mean it's impossible that someone might. And that means an obligation to treat Muscular like a human being, to afford him human rights, to not stop trying to find a way to rehabilitate him, even as you safeguard other people against him.

Deku's battle with Muscular being unavoidable was not some great triumph, for all that the narrative used it as an opportunity to let him show off how far he’d come in mastering One For All. In the way that matters, the way that Deku himself is currently trying to better, he hasn't advanced at all. Imasuji Goto represented his first test in the lead-up to saving Shigaraki, and Deku failed it.

His next trial was Overhaul.* Here, again, was someone who Deku was explicitly trying to understand. So what was the one thing that was most key to understanding Overhaul's current motivation? What was the one thing that Overhaul was ranting about out loud, incessantly? And what did Deku conspicuously fail to ask about? Overhaul's relationship with Pops.

This was so easy. So obvious. And Deku didn’t even try. All he could think about in the moment he was faced with that broken man was the little girl that man hurt--all thoughts of trying to understand where the man himself was coming from went right out the window, flown away in an instant. Instead of asking about why Overhaul feels the way he does, he demanded that Overhaul feel the way Deku wanted. He was essentially holding the only person Overhaul cared about hostage for the remorse he wanted Overhaul to feel.

I'm not going to try to armchair diagnose Overhaul with mental conditions. I don't have the educational background, and I'm positive Horikoshi doesn't. But it seems pretty clear that asking Overhaul to feel guilt about Eri was asking for something that he might not be capable of feeling, at least not without years of therapy that he was plainly not getting in Tartarus. And if Overhaul is not capable of feeling that guilt, then what does denying Overhaul his meeting actually solve? Who does it help? It doesn’t help Eri. Doesn’t help the old man. It certainly doesn’t help Overhaul himself. The only person who gets any satisfaction out of demanding remorse from Overhaul is Deku. And even Deku didn’t look like he found it very satisfying!

Another failure. A meaninglessly cruel, petty failure. A failure that served only to hurt a man who was already a live wire of agony, to sentence an old man to a coma he might never wake from without Overhaul's expertise, and to deprive Eri of the only actual family she had left.

And look, Pops might very well not be the ideal guardian for Eri, and I'm not saying he should get to "keep" her just because of the blood connection, but it's not like he cheerfully handed her over to Overhaul and walked out the door! He turned to Overhaul because he trusted Overhaul, because he wanted someone to help Eri and thought that maybe Overhaul could. And when Overhaul's thoughts about Eri took a very dark turn, Pops first denied his request about using her to further his research and then, when Overhaul kept pushing it, chose Eri over the kid he personally took in from the streets by telling Overhaul that he needed to leave the Shie Hassaikai if he couldn't muster any more respect for human life than that.

But, you know, Eri is so cute with Aizawa and stuff. And Pops was a criminal. Probably. Maybe? I mean, he was yakuza, anyway, so he obviously must have been a criminal even if the police never actually arrested him. Apparently, this means it's okay to just leave him in a coma forever! Even though Overhaul absolutely has enough medical expertise that letting him talk to a neurologist about what he did to Pops might enable them to figure out how to wake Pops up even without Overhaul being able to use his quirk to undo the damage. Hell, Overhaul is also the person alive who has the best handle on how Eri's quirk works. He might even know what her accumulation condition is. Maybe a better thing to ransom his access to Pops with would be Overhaul telling Aizawa everything he knows about Eri's quirk so Aizawa can use the knowledge to help her get a better handle on it.

But no. Obviously undoing some small part of the concrete harm Overhaul did was less important than how Deku felt about that harm.

And there's more! Oh, is there ever. I called Deku arrogant before; let me circle back to that.

Deku said that if Chisaki would feel the way Deku wanted him to feel, then Deku would uphold the promise to let Overhaul see Pops. But where in hell did Deku get off making that claim? Deku is a student. He's not a pro. He has no authority, medical, legal, carceral or otherwise. He has no say in where Overhaul goes or who he's allowed to see.

What the fuck? What the actual fuck? What kind of strings did Deku think he could pull that he could just casually make that claim without so much as going into a huddle with Hawks and Endeavor about it first? How inflated has this kid's sense of importance gotten that he made Overhaul that promise without even stopping to think about whether it was something he was in any position to ensure? It was such a bullshit ultimatum, not only because of how needlessly obstructive it was, but because it was so formless.

"If only you would feel a wish to apologize to Eri…" Okay, so what if Overhaul goes back to prison and, three days later, calls out to say, "Okay, I thought about it and I really feel like I want to apologize, now can I see Pops already?" Who gets to make that judgment call? Deku? Is he going to drop his faux-vigilante act and come visit Overhaul in prison just so he can squint at the man really hard to see if he's lying? Is Deku going to delegate the call to someone else? All Might? Hawks? A prison warden? A psychologist? Who? Who gets to be the one to say, "Okay, I think his remorse is genuine."

Then, once that call has been made, how many people have to arrange for Overhaul to be escorted out of prison and to whatever hospital Pops is in? Will Deku get to oversee that visit? Does he think he can overturn a warden declaring, "The scum doesn't deserve a visit, and the old man probably doesn't either," or a doctor protesting, "I'm not letting that man anywhere near my patient!"

The hell of it is, I think Deku could do all of that. He's got a close personal connection to All Might, who was basically a demi-god to this society for decades; he has the ear of the current top three heroes. Everyone is apparently convinced that the power to save this society rests solely in Deku's hands; I'm sure he could ask for anything he wanted. But the fact that that is the case suggests that this society is not even slightly turning away from its dependence on heroes dictating its morality. A hero having the sole right to dictate, out of hand, based on his personal feelings, the fate of people designated "villains" while the rest of society turns away is exactly what Shigaraki is angry about.

The only thing worse than Deku perpetuating the worst problems of hero society in an arc that's supposed to be about him finding a better way is that he didn’t even stop to think about it. It never even occurred to him that that was what he was doing. He thought that what he was asking of Chisaki was just and fair, and thus, he didn’t need to ask for any second opinions or permissions; he didn’t need to think about what would actually be feasible, about what was best for the people involved. He'd made his judgment call about a villain, and that's all there was to it. The villain could fall in line or--nothing. There isn't actually another choice. Hero's way or nothing

I hate it. I hate it. I don't care about whether Overhaul "deserves" to suffer; heroes making the cold decision that they will make him suffer is antithetical to everything a carceral system intended to rehabilitate prisoners stands for. And yes, Japan does at least claim on paper that the goal of incarceration in state hands is rehabilitation.

Restorative justice is superior to retributive justice. It's better for society and it's better for individuals. It is kinder, it is more compassionate. Retributive justice poisons people. It perpetuates suffering for no reason but moral grandstanding. Individuals are allowed to forgive or not forgive anyone they want, but a society should conduct itself with an eye to the long-term welfare of all of its people. That means that even the worst kinds of criminals still have human rights. It means not inflicting pain that serves no purpose.

I've gotten off-track here. Yes, I think that if Overhaul could feel regret about Eri, that would obviously be a positive development for his character. It'd hurt like hell, but it would be a hurt that indicated he was becoming a better person, a person who wanted to do more good, less ill, with his life and efforts. But you can't mandate that someone become a better person. No ultimatum handed down from on high is going to change Overhaul's heart. Telling someone, "I'll help you, but only if you only feel the way I want you to feel. Otherwise, you can just stay there and suffer," is not reaching out to help people who are suffering in the dark, which is, again, what Deku claimed he wanted to do, what he begged for Nagant's help in doing, the way he insisted to the vestiges that OFA should be used.

Deku writing people off because they don't conform to his expectations, because they can't be "good" the way he wants them to be, nor even "bad" in ways he can understand, is him failing to live up to his own expressed ideals. "I wish you'd feel bad about hurting people," wasn't enough to reach Muscular or Overhaul, and it damn well shouldn't be enough to reach Shigaraki.

Cruelty does not beget kindness. You cannot treat people with only callousness and severity, then condemn them for not taking the opportunity to grow. You have to give them opportunities to better themselves. For Overhaul, giving him an opportunity would be letting him help the man he wronged and then moving forward from there. Telling him to feel regret about Eri or else? That's doing nothing but sweeping his pain back under the rug.

---

*I have more or less exhausted my outrage over Lady Nagant in chats with friends, so I'll spare the rant on how disjointed, contradictory and ludicrous her turn was; the gist is "very, on all counts."

---

P.S. Anyone who says that Overhaul "has nothing left to live for" is being a level of ableist that defies description. Prosthetics exist. Assistive devices exist. Speech-to-text software exists. Overhaul is intelligent, driven and highly educated. Even if he never got prosthetics at all, there would still be things he could contribute to the world if he were motivated to do so. The better thing to do, though, would be to get the man some damn prosthetics, hook him up with the neurologist consulting on Pops' case, and let the two of them get on with the matter of waking up the old man.

P.P.S. Overhaul spent six months in solitary confinement. The United Nations considers solitary confinement exceeding 15 days to be a form of torture. Solitary confinement creates severe mental health issues and exacerbates existing ones. It frequently leads to a deadening of empathy, something Overhaul has in little enough amounts as it is. It is absurd to ask a man who's just come out of these conditions to "feel sorry for what you did to Eri," especially if you're planning to turn around and send him right back to solitary. Tartarus is inhuman, and the only reason more of the escapees aren't total wrecks like Overhaul is because Horikoshi clearly didn't bother to do the reading on the wide array of problems that those characters should be experiencing physically, mentally and socially.

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

Dream SMP Recap (June 21/2021) - Prison Podcast: Ep. 1

Techno and Dream start a podcast together. Divine intervention occurs.

---

VOD LINKS:

Ponk

Foolish

Technoblade

---

- Ponk commits arson

- Foolish works on Las Nevadas in a Batman skin and gets Slime a slime

- Techno and Dream are together in prison. Techno asks if they ever get fed and Dream tosses him some potatoes that he’s been saving. Sam hasn’t been there in two weeks

- Dream tells Techno they torture him

Techno: “You’re getting tortured?”

Dream: “Yes!”

Techno: “Bro I cannot relate at all. That is a you problem. Maybe I’m just like their favorite prisoner so they don’t do that.”

Dream: “They haven’t even been here since you got in here!”

Techno: “That --that could -- also po-- maybe it’s ‘cause they just know that I’m their favorite prisoner. They don’t even have to check up on me ‘cause I’m just so obedient.”

- Dream walks over to the lava

Dream: “I have been in here! For months!”

Techno: “Oh yeah!”

- Dream tosses a potato in the lava

Dream: “Does this hurt you?”

Techno: “...I mean a little.”

- Dream throws another

Techno: “How many of those do you have to be throwin’ them away, man?”

Dream: (mumbling as he walks back) “O-okay well I don’t have that much [unintelligible].”

- Techno comments on how wasteful the Netherite block floor is. He wonders how long it takes to punch through it

- He asks what Dream does for fun. Dream says nothing now. He tells Techno about how he used to have a clock that he’d throw in the lava to get Sam to visit. Techno thinks it sounds like Dream was vandalizing his own property

Dream: “It was something to do, but now there’s nothing.”

Techno: “Well, at least we can hang out and be friends.”

- He starts going up to Dream and bumping them

Techno: “Friendsss.”

Dream: (walking away) “Personal space!”

Techno: “Frie -- bro what personal space! We’re locked in this tiny room!”

- Techno goes over to the lava wall instead

- Dream spends most of his free time writing his diary. Techno asks if he’s published anything to Wattpad

Dream: “...No...”

Techno: “You hesitated.”

- Techno asks for Dream’s pen name. Dream insists he’s never written on Wattpad

Techno: “So it’s a different website, is what you’re saying.”

- Dream instead wants to focus on getting out of prison. Techno asks for his ideas, but Dream says it should be Techno with the ideas

Techno: “Eh, yeah, I’ll get to it later man.”

- Techno encourages Dream to have a more optimistic outlook. Dream says that at least he’s not been tortured since Techno’s been here

Techno: “You gotta go with the flow!”

- Dream walks over to the lava

Techno: “Not that flow -- not -- not that flow. No -- no, don’t go -- don’t go into that flow!”

- Dream steps into the lava and sets himself on fire, then goes over to the water to extinguish it

Techno: “That’s the better flow right there.”

Dream: “See? It’s -- it’s exhilarating.”

Techno: “That’s just -- I would not recommend that. That is not healthy behavior, alright. I think you should see a psychologist.”

Dream: “WHERE?!”

Techno: “I dunno, what kinda prison is this? They don’t have psychologists?”

Dream: “They don’t have anything! They have torture --”

Techno: “I’m startin’ to think they don’t care about our human rights all that much. You were sayin’ you were getting tortured? Who’s been torturing you?”

Dream: “Quackity!”

Techno: “Yeah, that adds up.”

Dream: “Every day!”

- Dream says that Quackity’s torturing him for the revive book, and Techno asks more about how the revival process works. Dream explains that to revive people, he gets a book and then burns it

- Techno asks if it’s an incantation. After learning what ‘incantation’ means, Dream says it’s something like that. He isn’t sure how Schlatt got it in the first place, but he memorized the book and can recreate it

- Techno suggests Dream give the knowledge to him as insurance, but Dream refuses, as they might go after Techno. Techno asks to see the book, but Dream still doesn’t

Dream: “This is like the house situation all over again.”

Techno: “Oh yeah...well on the bright side, you’re not homeless anymore!”

Dream: “True...this is -- to be fair, I did say I had a giant house. This is pretty giant.”

Techno: “It is filled with redstone! I didn’t think you were telling the truth, but here you are. Here you are...how much is rent to live in this boiling cell every day?”

Dream: “It’s...free.”

Techno: “God, that’s incredible.”

Dream: “Except for I get tortured every day!”

Techno: “Well I mean, California rent prices are basically torture so, you know, you take what you can get man, come on.”

- The subject returns to how they haven’t been visited in two weeks. Dream asks what they’re going to do when they get out, but Techno hasn’t thought that far ahead

- Dream writes in his diary that Techno admitted he has a house

- Dream asks Techno about life. When Techno isn’t in a cell, he usually trains to find new forms of combat to get ahead in the arms race for the fight against government

- He also plays golf

- Techno hasn’t spoken to Tommy, hasn’t seen him. He thinks Tommy stole some things from his house a while ago

- Dream then asks how his horse is doing. Techno tells him about his pet foxes and Steve (who is going to break him out of there any second)

- Dream writes these down in his book because it’s hard for him to remember things

- Dream asks who’s feeding his pets. Techno says that Steve can feed himself and it’ll probably be fine for Carl to find grass

- Techno pronounces it as “gif”

- He asks if Dream would like to start a podcast. The Prison Podcast

- Dream wonders what would happen if he tried to revive someone who wasn’t dead

Dream: “What if I try and revive you? What if it goes wrong?”

Techno: “Maybe there’ll be two of me. And then we can be double friends. Wouldn’t that be nice? Two Technoblades?”

Dream: “Well, doubles the likelihood of me getting out of here, but...”

Techno: “Exactly, exactly. The next time they come to visit us in prison, there’s just gonna like be thirty-five Technoblades. And when they try to torture you, I can be like a human meat shield and just wave after wave of Technoblades swarms them and just beats them up.”

- Techno’s okay with trying it, so Dream writes a book and burns it. When they turn around, though, it’s DreamXD who appears

- Techno remembers XD as the person who broke his table, some sort of god

Techno: “You cloned the wrong person! Dream, you fool! Look at him! ...You know that’s actually something I’ve been meaning to ask you -- how come God looks exactly like you? That feels like a question that should’ve occurred to me earlier.”

- Dream doesn’t answer, confused, but asks what they should do. Techno tries talking to him

DreamXD: what are you doing

Techno: chilling

DreamXD: what do you want summoning me

Techno: yo can you grant a wish

DreamXD: one

Techno: i want a bell

- DreamXD gives them a bell and leaves just in time for the sellout timer to go off. Dream is outraged that Techno would spend their wish on a bell and goes over to stare into the lava while Techno enthusiastically rings it

- Dream wonders what Sam and Quackity will say when they see the bell. They try standing next to each other in front of the bell to block the view

- They can’t summon DreamXD a second time

- They talk a bit more about the books. Dream gives Techno some potatoes (in Techno’s inventory he also has four books by Dream, one of which is titled “information”)

- Dream asks about why Techno rings the bell. Techno says it’s about the rituals, and Dream comments that he put a bell in Church Prime (“which is not to be spoken of here”)

- Techno asks if Dream can even get Twitch Primes and claims that Dream is a heretic due to not being under contract. Dream isn’t profiting off of anyone

- Dream has 51 potatoes remaining

Techno: “So uh...got any friends? Hang out with anybody? You know, before the whole thrown in prison thing?”

Dream: “Not really...I did, and then they...turned against me.”

Techno: “Ah. I know that feeling man, I know that feeling.”

Dream: “Just being betrayed by your closest friends...”

Techno: “Ah yeah, happens all the time. Every Tuesday, really.”

Dream: “I’ve been visited by a few people.”

Techno: “Pog, pog. Did any of them like, not try to torture or kill you?”

Dream: “...Yeah?”

Techno: “He hesitated.”

Dream: “Well...Sapnap didn’t torture and kill me, but then he said if I get out of here, he would.”

Techno: “You GOTTA raise your standards, man. You gotta raise your stand-- you’re just getting treated like dirt out here, man. That is just sad. That is just sad! You gotta meet some new people, man.”

Dream: “I think BadBoyHalo treated me the best, probably.”

Techno: “BadBoyHalo, you say?”

Dream: “He treated me the best, probably, when he visited me before.”

Techno: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s like a cult leader or something, actually, I hate to break it to you.”

Dream: “Wait, what?!”

Techno: “Yeah, there was like this Egg thing...I wasn’t quite clear on what was going on.”

Dream: “That was months ago! He visited me like four months ago, five months ago.”

- Techno talks a bit about how he attacked the Egg cult, “big crossover episode.” Dream asks when was the last time the two of them -- Dream and Techno -- spoke. It was Doomsday, a while ago

- Dream asks about current events, but Techno isn’t the best person to ask about that. Tubbo has a new commune called Snowchester that Techno’s still a bit suspicious of

- Dream asks how Ranboo is. Techno offhandedly mentions that Tubbo might have nukes, maybe as a hobby. Maybe the crater was just Tubbo trying to scare him

- Dream doesn’t know a lot about the outside world. Ranboo used to visit a lot -- the most of everyone until Quackity -- a while ago, but then he stopped. Sapnap, Ranboo, Tommy, Bad and Quackity all visited 

- He then comments that Techno seems to like potatoes. Techno asks how Dream knows Ranboo, which Dream says is “a long story.” Then Dream says he doesn’t know Ranboo that well, he just visited a couple times

- Dream asks about the plan to get out again. Techno says that even with the mining fatigue, they can still break blocks. But most of the blocks would set off the alarms, so he suggests the block beneath the toilet

- Even if they break the blocks, there’s an Elder Guardian beneath the cell

Techno: “I can take him...hey, how ‘bout I jump in there, I start beatin’ it up, and if I somehow die despite my elite martial arts prowess, you can just bring me back and I can jump in again and keep beatin’ it up, and then if I die you can just bring me back and I’ll jump in and I’ll keep beatin’ it up.”

- If people come to check on them, one of them can be the lookout

- Techno directs Dream to start punching the block for 24 hours, promising to feed potatoes to him while he punches if he gets hungry

- Dream starts punching

Techno: “What are they gonna do if they catch us, put us in double jail, man?”

- They continue chatting as Dream punches, wondering why the icon for the mining fatigue effect is a spoon. Dream talks about the cat they used to have in there. Eventually the sellout timer goes off again.

Techno starts ringing.

---

Upcoming events remain the same.

[simplepotatofarmer]

technoblade: a takedown pt. 2

(not clickbait) (okay maybe a little)

aka i go over every argument people make against c!techno one by one and determine whether they’re valid, false, or a mixture of both. i rewatched every single stream/video, including those on his alt channel, so i could approach this with the most information possible. i’ll be breaking this up into parts because there’s just too much otherwise. all about the characters unless stated.

techno has a victim complex - false

this is one of the first takes i saw in fandom and it’s always baffled me.

a victim complex is when someone holds the constant belief that they’re a victim, that everything is being done to specifically hurt them, and that no one else feels as much pain as they do, if they acknowledge that other people are hurt at all. that’s the clinical usage. (i know this, on a personal level, because my grandmother was told by two psychologists that she had a victim complex. she left both of them, saying they were trying to paint her as a bad person.)

techno has never shown a constant belief he’s a victim. in fact, he often shrugs off a lot of the things that’s happened to him - when talking to quackity about the execution, he says ‘yeah, that’s fair’ when quackity points out what techno did. 

when techno had his ‘dang, the whole world is against me’ moment, it was in a moment when there were wanted posters for him, propaganda against him. he’s valid in feeling that way and that feeling didn’t even last for long. 

expressing his hurt at tommy’s betrayal (and whether or not you believe it’s a betrayal, techno thought of it as such. i’ll address that in another point.) doesn’t mean he has a victim complex. techno felt hurt. there is a difference between feeling hurt in a messy situation where both parties felt pain and having a victim complex. or being angry at an unfair execution in which your friend is also hurt.

this isn’t a constant thing that techno does, either. he struggles with expressing himself despite being an emotional person. his paranoia that someone will try to kill him is not unfounded and also not something that he brings up constantly. and it’s the constant part that really takes away from the idea that techno has a victim complex. this isn’t his world view. he doesn’t think everything is done to hurt him. he doesn’t believe everyone’s actions are targeted at him. and that is the key components for a victim complex. 

techno killed the bees in new l’manberg on doomsday - ehhhhhh mostly false 

now, i’m not going to say that the bees wouldn’t have been killed regardless. they probably would have.

but the idea techno did it on purpose (which is bizarrely a take i have seen) just isn’t true. 

like, it sucks. bees are my favorite. but take it up with philza minecraft. techno might have given phil the wither skulls but he didn’t tell him to summon them on top of the bee house. 

techno should have been more upfront with tommy: valid

first and foremost, i want to state that techno did tell tommy what he intended. he told tommy that he could ‘sit it out’ when he destroyed l’manberg. he was upfront with tommy but he never truly pushed the issue and he should have. one of techno’s biggest flaws is his lack of communication skills. 

techno betrayed tommy by teaming up with dream: complicated but mostly false

this one is difficult because tommy did feel as if techno had betrayed him and i don’t want to discount what he feels; tommy is valid in his feelings, they’re real.

so the question here is, are they objectively true? did techno betray tommy? 

the simple answer is ‘no’.

techno teamed up with dream after tommy had left him for tubbo. (which i always feel like i have to clarify i think was the obvious outcome and i don’t blame tommy for that.) at that point in time, tommy had already broken their alliance. techno had no obligation to tommy at all. the partnership that they had was based on the two of them not being aligned with new l’manberg. once tommy went back to tubbo and sided with new l’manberg, techno was no longer on his side. there was no betrayal in that. 

the other point that’s often brought up is that teaming with dream, specifically, was a betrayal because of what dream did to tommy. 

there’s two issues with this: first, techno himself said dream is not his enemy. he said this after tommy had moved in with him in his ‘becoming incredibly rich’ stream. techno was only opposed to dream because he was teamed up with tommy. he had no personal grudge with dream. second, while techno certainly knew that tommy was afraid of dream and that dream had done something, he didn’t know the details. yes, the way tommy was acting probably should have been a clue - and probably would be for anyone else - but techno is notoriously bad with people.

now, tommy was certainly hurt by techno teaming up with dream and that’s the reason i don’t list this point as completely false. 

techno has never apologized for what he’s done: mostly true 

but not valid.

the words ‘i’m sorry’ have certainly been uttered by techno and specifically to tubbo before he killed him during the red festival. he has apologized and later explained himself to tubbo, who accepted that reasoning. 

apologies, much like forgiveness, are not owed. they can be deserved, they can be the right thing to do, but it’s not something that a person is required to do. not even to become a good person.

the best indicator of that is changed behavior and techno has changed since doomsday. he’s acknowledged that he hurt people, despite not apologizing, and changed his tactics.

techno has never considered that he could be wrong or reflected on what he’s done: false

if you haven’t watched techno’s pov completely, i can understand why you would think this is the case. 

but techno has reflected on what he’s done. he’s even admitted that not only is he not the best example of anarchism but that he’s not the best person. 

he tells niki that he’s been a bad example and that he’s trying to change that because he wants to lead through example. and this is an important conversation because she’s the first person he seeks out. he knows she’s been affected by what’s happened and by what he’s done.

in the turtle stream, he tells phil that he’s ‘trying to be a better person’. 

this is a point that i see used against techno often and, like the point above, is one of the ones that frustrates me the most. because, again, it is understandable but upon watching techno’s pov, you can see that it isn’t accurate. not only has techno reflected on his past actions, he’s come to the conclusion that he was wrong. his tactics were wrong and he has said as much, has demonstrated that he understands that and is working to change. 

he still believes in his ideals, he still believes that government is inherently corrupt and - this is conjecture - i have no doubts that he wouldn’t resort to violence against a government, in the same way he used violence to help take down the eggpire. violence isn’t inherently cruel. it’s a tool, one that techno used to wield without thought (or because he believed it was the only way he would be heard) but now it’s one that has been tempered. if techno is a weapon, he used to be a crude one and saw that instead of cutting out the rotten bits, he was leaving a jagged scar and changed. 

that doesn’t mean he won’t use violence again, it doesn’t mean that he won’t backslide or that someone won’t be hurt, but it does mean the idea he has never reflected on what he’s done is incorrect. 

techno reflected on what he’s done and realized he was wrong, not about his beliefs, not about anarchy or even violence as a whole, but his tactics. 

if you read this far, thank you. i know last time i said i would be tackling the butcher army but that has been requiring a lot of vod watching from other perspectives to be able to speak on it accurately. and adding it to this would honestly make this post disgustingly long (part one was almost 2k words, rip)

[perpetual-stories]

How To Fight Writers Block

hello, hello. hope everyone is doing well. as you can all tell, this post will be about how to fight writers block.

it’s really annoying to me when I hear people say “oh you don’t have writers block, you’re just lazy.”

first of all, yes, I am naturally lazy. second of all, how dare you. writing isn’t as easy as many think. granted, all you have to do is write down words on paper, but it’s not always easy to find the right words to express what you are feeling, or what you wish to say.

I have had terrible writer’s block for the last few days and it’s horrible! as a business owner or a small writing store, I have to be ready to write and fulfill my clients’ ideas and orders.

it’s not easy. It takes a heavy toll on my imagination, and digs me a deep pit of blockage, drowning in the lack of originality because of the constant writing and repetition or certain phrases and sentences in different projects.

i am making this post in the hopes to remind myself about over coming the dreaded and sometimes skeptically believed writer’s block.

What is writer’s block?

Yeah, I know. We all know what that is, but let me define it.

is the state of being unable to proceed with writing, and/or the inability to start writing something new

some people believe it to be a real problem, others believe it's “all in your head”

What Causes Writer’s Block?

in the 1970s, clinical psychologists Jerome Singer and Michael Barrios decided to find out

they concluded that there are four broad causes of writer's block:

Excessively harsh self-criticism

Fear of comparison to other writers

Lack of external motivation, like attention and praise

Lack of internal motivation, like the desire to tell one's story

How to overcome writer's block: 20 tips

1. Develop a writing routine:

Author and artist Twyla Tharp once wrote: “Creativity is a habit, and the best creativity is a result of good work habits.”

it might seem counterintuitive

if you only write when you “feel creative,” you're bound to get stuck in a tar pit of writer's block

The only way to push through is by disciplining yourself to write on a regular schedule. It might be every day, every other day, or just on weekends — but whatever it is, stick to it!

2. Use "imperfect" words:

A writer can spend hours looking for the perfect word or phrase to illustrate a concept

You can avoid this fruitless endeavor by putting, “In other words…” and simply writing what you’re thinking, whether it’s eloquent or not

You can then come back and refine it later by doing a CTRL+F search for “in other words.”

3. Do non-writing activities:

one of the best ways to climb out of a writing funk is to take yourself out of your own work and into someone else’s

Go to an exhibition, to the cinema, to a play, a gig, eat a delicious meal

immerse yourself in great STUFF and get your synapses crackling in a different way

Snippets of conversations, sounds, colors, sensations will creep into the space that once felt empty

4. Freewrite through it:

free-writing involves writing for a pre-set amount of time without pause — and without regard for grammar, spelling, or topic. You just write.

The goal of freewriting is to write without second-guessing yourself — free from doubt, apathy, or self-consciousness, all of which contribute to writer's block. Here’s how:

Find the right surroundings. Go somewhere you won't be disturbed.

Pick your writing utensils. Will you type at your computer, or write with pen and paper? (Tip: if you're prone to hitting the backspace button, you should freewrite the old-fashioned way!)

Settle on a time-limit. Your first time around, set your timer for just 10 minutes to get the feel for it. You can gradually increase this interval as you grow more comfortable with freewriting.

5. Relax on your first draft:

Many writers suffer form perfectionism, which is especially debilitating during a first draft

“Blocks often occur because writers put a lot of pressure on themselves to sound ‘right’ the first time. A good way to loosen up and have fun again in a draft is to give yourself permission to write imperfectly.” — editor Lauren Hughes

perfect is the enemy of good,” so don't agonize about getting it exactly right! You can always go back and edit, maybe even get a second pair of eyes on the manuscript

6. Don’t start at the beginning:

the most intimidating part of writing is the start, when you have a whole empty book to fill with coherent words

instead of starting with the chronological beginning of whatever it is you’re trying to write, dive into middle, or wherever you feel confident

7. Take a shower:

Have you ever noticed that the best ideas tend to arrive while in the shower, or while doing other “mindless” tasks?

research shows that when you’re doing something monotonous (such as showering, walking, or cleaning), your brain goes on autopilot, leaving your unconscious free to wander without logic-driven restrictions

showering is my favourite thing to do if I may add

8. Balance your inner critic:

successful writers have in common is the ability to hear their inner critic, respectfully acknowledge its points, and move forward

You don't need to completely ignore that critical voice, nor should you cower before it

you must establish a respectful, balanced relationship, so you can address what's necessary and skip over what's insecure and irrelevant

9. Switch up your tool:

a change of scenery can really help with writer's block. However, that scenery doesn't have to be your physical location — changing up your writing tool can be just as big a help!

if you’ve been typing on your word processor of choice, try switching to pen and paper. Or if you're just sick of Google Docs, consider using specialized novel writing software.

10. Change your POV:

great advice from editor Lauren Hughes: “When blocked, try to see your story from another perspective ‘in the room’ to help yourself move beyond the block. How might a minor character narrate the scene if they were witnessing it? A ‘fly on the wall’ or another inanimate object?

11. Exercise your creative muscles:

Any skill requires practice if you want to improve, and writing is no different! So if you’re feeling stuck, perhaps it’s time for a strengthening scribble-session to bolster your abilities

12. Map out your story:

If your story has stopped chugging along, help it pick up steam by taking a more structured approach — specifically, by writing an outline

13. Write something else:

Though it's important to try and push through writer's block with what you're actually working on, sometimes it's simply impossible

feel free to push your current piece to the side for now and write something new

14. Work on your characters:

It follows that if your characters are not clearly defined, you’re more likely to run into writer’s block

15. Stop writing for readers:

write for yourself, not your potential readers

this will help you reclaim the joy of being creative and get you back in touch with what matters: the story.

this is something I really need to do. because of my etsy business i don't write for fun anymore, but instead as a business and a deadline. i'm going to have to pull out my old crappy wattled fanfics or write some new ones.

16. Try a more visual process:

when words fail you, forget them and get visual. Create mind maps, drawings, Lego structures — ideally related to your story, but whatever unblocks your mind!

17. Look for the root of it:

writer’s block often comes from a problem deeper than simple “lack of inspiration.” So let's dig deep: why are you really blocked? Ask yourself the following questions:

Do I feel pressure to succeed and/or competition with other writers?

Have I lost sight of what my story is about, or interest in where it's going?

Do I lack confidence in my own abilities, even if I've written plenty before?

Have I not written for so long that I feel intimidated by the mere act?

Am I simply feeling tired and run-down?

once you identify what's wrong, it'll be so much easier to fix.

18. Quit the Internet:

If willpower isn’t your strong suit and your biggest challenge is staying focused, try a site blocker like Freedom or an app like Cold Turkey

19. Let the words find you:

meditate, go for a walk, take that shower

Word Palette is a great app that features a keyboard of random words, allowing you to simply click your way to your next masterpiece.

You can also try AI auto-completers like Talk to Transformer, where you can enter a phrase and let the app “guess what comes next.”

even though they often produce nonsense, it's a great way to help that writer's block.

20. Write like Hemingway:

And if your biggest block is your own self-doubt about your prose, Hemingway offers suggestions to improve your writing as you go

it's a pretty cool app if you ask me.

it highlights your sentences (if need be) and makes suggestions on how to improve them!

well, there you have it! a lengthy post on how to fight writer's block. now i just hope i can combat my own soon.

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