#anyway that’s the main ‘goal’ i guess of my music listening this year

[weirdgirlbymommylonglegs]

this year will be the year i get into illuminati hotties for real i promise

[rigelmejo]

I have listened to the first 5 默读 audiobook chapters!

1. Im so hype! That was 1 hour and 15 minutes I just managed to follow the main idea of!

2. I understood the main idea of every scene I heard! Which is a big accomplishment for me. Even reading the chapters ahead of time like I have, in the past it would take me like 5 re-listens to understand what scenes I'm listening to. I did relisten to chapter 1-2 maybe 3 times, then the rest I just listened to once.

3. I understood more details as I listened more. I think partly this is due to my rusty memory (from 6 months not studying) getting jogged so I am now remembering words I knew before, and partly words I knew/know how to read already. I don't think I learned many new words, if any, but listening to the audiobook does gradually seem to be dragging my listening skills up closer to my reading skills. Which is the goal anyway. I want to be able to LISTEN to the audiobooks of things I can read, so I can listen to audiobooks instead when that's what I feel like doing. And there are some pretty awesome chinese audiobooks! Like modu's? They have music, sound effects, crowd noises, atmospheric noises, different voices for characters (all read by one narrator but I quite like the narrator's main voice and range of voice choices: luo wenzhou and fei du in particular i like a lot, but tao ran also sounds level headed, and ma xiaowei sounded so distinct it fit him well, or the slurring messy zhang donglai voice!)

4. I'm seriously so excited. I could tell most of the details when Tao Ran got flowers, and when Luo Wenzhou told him what Fei Du wants isnt friendship, and Tao Ran saying he knows but if... and luo wenzhou telling him to shut up. And the scene where Fei Du tries to pick Tao Ran up and Luo Wenzhou shuts it down and Lang Qiao smells something going on. Also surprisingly I think the part where Luo Wenzhou yells at the citizens (for taking statements) was easier to follow in audio, because you can tell when he's making the call, and you can guess which words are proof/apprehend/previous crime record a bit easier based on how its being talked about. The Ma Xiaowei part also was almost easier to follow in audio, because the voice emotions and sound effects helped convey the descriptions going on. This is, hands down, the best I've understood a chinese audiobook. There were still many unclear details/sentence phrases I did not understand. Dialogue was still the easiest to understand most details in, followed by actions (slammed walked etc) and descriptives using actions (hit the table, paused a moment, glanced at the other, glared and cut in). But in the bigger picture, being able to generally follow which scene I was listening to and the plot was huge. To me.

5. It makes me excited to listen to more. Also it makes me want to listen to the Modu audio drama, since I think I can grasp enough now to follow that too - whereas in some times Ive tried before I couldnt follow dialogue enough to place all the scenes. It also makes me want to listen to the Zhenhun audiobook again - since i tried like a year ago and used to have to relisten a LOT to grasp most scene main ideas of chapters Id already read (and not even all scene main ideas). I bet I could grasp nearly all scene main ideas now, and maybe more details (not all, but more).

6. Advice for my future self: listening more does work, as far as bringing listening skills up closer to reading skills. Since I've started my "listening study" kick about a month ago, I've probably only listened to 15 hours of chinese or less. Like 2 hours mdzs (multiple relistens of chapter 1-3), 4 hours sci, 1.5 hours on modu audiobook (counting the initial chapter relistens), 4 hours chinese spoonfed audio, 3 ish hours listening to modu chapters with TTS as i read (which has text to help me), 1 hour qi hun cdrama. Yeah so like 15.5 hours. And in that short a time I've already remembered a lot of words I knew before, and started recognizing more and more words I know from reading. If that's only 15 hours then how big a difference might 100 hours make? And that's just listening. No special effort. Nothing particularly hard. Maybe relistening, if I feel like it, which I suppose could be slightly hard if I don't love the repetition lol. But sometimes I'm fine with it. Only chinese spoonfed ausio was hard cause i felt bored and couldnt motivate lol. In the big picture its quite fun study and fun to see progress just by having fun. It would be cool to see it pay off too, and make other audio books and audio dramas easier to listen to in the future.

7. Just kind of interesting to me. It kind of feels like being 7-8 and having my dad read stories to me, in that I follow the story but dont know all the words. Or like being a child watching a movie, like at age 4-5. A lot of kids watch their favorite movies like a hundred times, or for years straight, i did. Maybe the first times we watch movies as kids we dont understand all the words. Maybe we just get the gist, and love the story so much we keep watching it again and it gets clearer and thats probably exciting - to understand even more of our favorite movies as kids. Thats kind of what listening to an audiobook feels like now - hearing a story where i get the main idea gist, already know i love it, and so each time i understand a bit more its fun to realize im understanding more.

[daemonwritesstuff]

hello hello!! if its alright, could i request a matchup for project sekai and/or twisted wonderland? (o´▽`o)

my name is clockwork, or just clock works too!! im transmasc (16) and i go by he/they pronouns. im a leo, infp, and hufflepuff though i dont know what most of that means, haha! i think i have undiagnosed autism but its something i still have to talk to my doctor about. ive been on t for a year at this point and im hoping to get top surgery the second i turn eighteen. i mostly have an attraction to dudes, but i also like girls!

i’m pretty short (5’3”) and i have black hair that i like to bleach/dye as well as dark brown eyes. i still look pretty feminine, but i have a deeper voice (thank you testosterone) and i dress masculine though im not against dressing somewhat femininely in my freetime.

my main interests as of current are reading and watching different animanga series, playing video games, and watching vtubers!! my hope is that one day i’ll be able to audition to a talent agency one day and start streaming as a vtuber! i also want to expand myself musically, so i’m currently trying to learn the violin and want to pick up the piano one day! i also love band and i want to learn guitar or the drums. i also love drawing, though i dont do it much and im not very good at it, haha! its more of a hobby than something i want to perfect and become a professional in.

personality wise, i’ve been told i can actually look pretty intimidating but i’d like to think im a pretty nice person! i can be a little bit shy when first meeting someone, but once i know i have something in common with someone, i never shut up, haha!! i’m a really passionate person when it comes to the things im interested in and i do my best to make sure the people around me are happy. i can be super spontaneous and i’m not good at thinking before i act so i’ve done quite a lot of stupid stuff before. i’m super loud and i never know how to control my volume, but its mostly because im having fun. i have tendencies to overthink and my thoughts spiral way more often than i’d ever want to admit, but that’s just how it goes sometimes. i also get pretty irritated/frustrated easily, but i’m learning to get better at controlling that.

i guess my type would be someone who can both match my energy, as well as be patient with me. like, someone who can understand whenever i get too overstimulated or whenever i want to be affectionate even when i dont say it out loud, you know?

thank you for listening to my request, or if anything comes up and you can’t do it or have questions for me, then you can message me!! remember to stay hydrated and get enough sleep!! mwah mwah (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

A/N: Hi there mootie! I apologize for taking a while 🥹 but I really hope you enjoy this. Anyways, here I go!

Your soulmate for Project Sekai is…

Akito Shinonome

Honestly, I was gonna go for Toya but I truly feel like akito is a best match for you, honestly people say that akito can be intimidating and so can you and there’s so much more that I’m gonna explain on why akito is perfect.

He loves hearing you talk, usually about whatever like your interests that your passionate about, he also loves hearing your voice all the time too, he finds it attractive.

He also supports all your dreams and goals in life! Whatever you wanna do or wanna be he’ll always be there for you, cheering you on.

Since your learning violin and you wanna learn piano, his friend Toya will teach you how to to play them anytime, and since you draw as well I’m sure Ena would love that!

Potentially, if you wanted too, You, Akito and Toya could be in a poly relationship together, but that’s all up to you.

No matter what y’all just compliment each other so well.

Now, for your Twisted Wonderland Soulmate you’ll be with…

Idia Shroud!

So, since your shy and he’s shy he would definitely become friends with you at first.

You guys share a lot or interests with each other such as animanga, video games, etc, you guys would have weekly gaming nights with just you and him and you guys would also watch anime together as well.

You would be the one talking a lot and he would be the one always listening, he enjoys you taking about your passions and he’ll ask questions and do small reaction noises.

He is very patient with you, and he definitely understands when you get over stimulated as well and will try his best to help you even when he’s freaking out on the inside.

He supports you when you say you wanna become a vtuber! He will definitely help you out with that stuff!

Also if you want affection from him you may have to speak up some points.

[cosmiccomma]

what are your thoughts on the mostly terrible church music of today

okay this is SUCH a good question. i would say i agree with you in that it is mostly terrible. now, i’m not in the liturgical music club at my school, but i am forced to attend mass at least once a month, and i listen to the songs that the club is singing. i also was in a church choir for i want to say six years of my life? that sounds correct. and that was maybe three years ago so in that case i am privy to both church music from nearly a decade ago and the church music of today. it’s gotten worse.

i don’t want to sound like some sort of “reject modernity embrace tradition” weirdo especially in a conversation surrounding the catholic church, but i feel like attempts to make church music more “appealing” to the general public have only stripped the music of what made it good.

(also please note i am speaking mostly on choral music here and not something like gospel which is a wholly different genre.)

musically, the shift away from something like an organ (which i think is the best you can get for this kind of music, but i understand that that is definitely not feasible for every church) or a piano towards stringed instruments like the guitar has led worship music to become centered on simple chords and dull chord progressions. sort of like a lot of pop music. even the formatting of the songs is becoming a lot more pop-esque. if you can believe this, i quite literally have heard songs sung in church with a bridge. structurally that is just not something you need in a choral song, i feel.

also, arranging pop for a chorus is hard. there’s a reason you don’t often see it done, and there’s a reason you see it even less often done well. pop music relies heavily on vocal individuality. riffs, runs, yes, but even less than that, just little embellishments that a singer might add. a slight slide up to a note. vocal fry. et cetera. you can’t do that with a choir. everything has to be sharper, more enunciated, more uniform. that’s how you get that beautiful choral sound, because everyone’s voices blend; they add up to a whole. if you take something that needs flair and put it into a setting where the main goal is to remain as uniform as possible, the end result is going to be boring.

lyrically, i think the songs are also just less inspired. and that’s again probably due to the emphasis on appealing to the general public. as much as i am not a believing catholic, if you really take a look at it, christianity has some fascinating concepts and ideas in its doctrine. so many of them could be made into song lyrics, but no, we’re definitely going to settle for another generic song with literally no other message than “boy howdy i sure do love god.” songs should say something. catholic songwriters are too afraid to explore deeper delves into their own beliefs (it doesn’t even have to be that deep! one of my favorites is o come o come emmanuel and the first verse of that literally just states the base christian belief of “christ is coming to save us”) or utilize archaic language and it truly shows.

also thematically. all of these songs are thematically the same. “jesus you saved me.” “god i love you.” et cetera. there’s nearly nothing else. and guess what, since there’s nothing else, my school’s liturgical music club sang those songs during lent. lent. joyful songs. during lent. again, i literally do not believe in christian beliefs, and that still annoys me. anyway.

oh man this is. longer than i thought. ok i am done. tl;dr, the music ain’t haunting enough anymore.

[collectionoftulips]

Hello! I hope that you are well! I am super curious about your writing process. How long does it take you to come up with a chapter? Do you have a playlist? If you feel comfortable, could you share one song that represent Both Sides Now story? Also, I am fascinated by how you crafted deep emotions in your writing. Anyways, take care and I am sending you love and positives vibes.

❤️❤️❤️❤️ What a lovely question, thank you so much!

First, I think a bit about 'what do I want to convey/what kind of story do I want to write?'. Sometimes that can be a concept, a vibe I want to convey, a specific end point I want to reach, so it can be really diverse. Usually, I will have a vague idea of this already as there usually is a reason why I'm drawn for a particular concept or prompt.

Then I'm a huge proponent of outlining a story. I know some people do it really thoroughly before they even start writing, but I'm somewhere in the middle and tbh I use outlining continuously through writing a story in different ways. But I'm not massively rigid with it because the story can easily develop and you might realise that certain bits need some 'space to breathe' so I might add certain scenes etc. But before I start the first chapter, I try to have an outline for at least the first couple of chapters. As much as I love being in a world or just having the characters exist in it, I think it's important to write to something. You have an end goal in mind, a theme or something that you are working towards so I even try to have descriptions etc that partly do 'world building', but those descriptions need to also matter either to the character or serve the main thematic narrative of the story. Describing everything is impossible so figuring out what's important and focus on a few things is kinda my approach (then whether it's 'the way you're supposed to do it' I have no idea). Sorry I'm getting rambly but I really like thinking/talking about writing (and if anyone wanna share their thoughts, feel free!)

But yeah, I've noticed that I at least try to have a solid outline for the first few chapters of the story with the end point set at the bare minimum. With stories where I haven't done that as much, I end up getting a little bit stuck, even if I might have an endpoint etc.

I do have a playlist for my stories, where the vibe or ambiance of the song is way more important than specific. It tends to be a lot of melancholy singer-songwriter stuff, which tbh might be my genre, but also the music needs to blend to the background when I'm writing. Although I don't always listen to the playlists when writing. Sometimes I don't use any music in the background and sometimes I put on classic music (so like a lot of Chopin, Grieg, Tchaikovsky etc) because quite frankly sometimes lyrics are distracting.

As far as what song embodies Both Sides Now it has to be the song that inspired the title of the story:

(Joni Mitchell left Spotify as a platform because of Spotify's platforming of Joe Rogan and COVID misinformation so I hope this version should hopefully be her official YouTube. Side note: has people got any experience with Apple Music? Is it any good?)

But I don't know if that answer is a cop out or not. There's a good number of songs that I now firmly associate in my head with certain stages of BSN. For million years ago, I also did like a 'soundtrack' because I fell deep into learning my learning my photo editing software rabbit hole that might be of interest about the other ones

When it comes to writing emotions in the story, I guess the really 'obvious' point is that at least for me, I try to relate to the situation that the character is going through, so I try to get a sense of what I think my reaction might be (and how it might probably be in reality versus what I theoretically think my reaction would be). I then try to imagine that in light of the background of the character, how would the characters behave in that situation. What is at the forefront of their minds? What's the most crucial thing for them in this moment? etc.

Another thing that I think has made the relating or I guess empathising with the characters easier or given what I think/hope is a different way of relating to characters' behaviours is that during the pandemic, I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole of watching therapists react to reality television (and using that as a jumping off point to talk about a bunch of stuff) and I think that's probably helped inform different ways of understanding human behaviour. I might watch a reality television clip and be like 'wtf are they doing?' and then listen to the therapists sort of talk about why someone might behave in that way etc and while I'm definitely not a psychologist, I weirdly think that watching that type of content just made me train that 'operating from a place of empathy' muscle and I try/hope that I try to translate that into my writing, even when characters behave in ways I might not do or might not agree with (but if I understand the rationale for their motivation it becomes less - for me - about agreeing or disagreeing with certain behaviour).

Thank you so much for this really really lovely ask and sorry if it got a bit wordy. I just really enjoyed answering it and I hope it was useful or interesting to read as well!

[startreatment]

can we hear about your album goal was and what your favorites have been so far this year 👀

my main goal (🥭) was to listen to AT LEAST 120 albums. not that big of a number, considering that most of the albums i've listened to are minis, but also who gaf. like, it's all arbitrary. i also wanted to give the music some time to marinate. last year i hit my goal as well, but most of the records i listened to did not stay in my rotation, as i didn't give most of them a second chance. this year i'm doing much better! even if i didn't like something on the first listen, i come back to it after some time to see if my opinion's changed.

pretty much all of the albums i listened to were k-pop, as i am currently knee deep in a hyperfixation that is refusing to let me go, so idk if you guys would be interested in my favourites lol. i kinda decided to leave all of the exciting releases till the interest dies down a bit, because i don't want to listen to something that i might love unless i'm committing to giving it a fair chance. i might sound a bit silly rn, but i know the way my brain works, so :( anyway! let's talk about some of my favs.

if we're talking this year's releases, artms' <DALL> was very good! probably my favourite k-pop album of the year, there's just something so nice about it, idk. it's perfect for a night listen. it currently has a score of 78 on albumoftheyear too, which is sooo pleasing to me! not that i care what others think, but it's nice to see the girls being appreciated.

magdalena bay's new album is phenomenal too, but it's currently marinating, so i can't say if it'll stay in my rotation. guess we'll see!

however, most of my year was spent diving into discographies though (with varying success), so a huge chunk of the albums i loved this year came out like. a decade ago. for example, i really liked everybody by shinee. the first and last tracks are kinda whatever, but the stuff in the middle is sooo! one minute back might be one of the best songs in their discography #tbh.

f(x)'s red light is another gem from around the same time. if you guys want something fun and experimental and a bit weird, i cannot recommend it enough! SM really knew what it was doing at one point...

reboot by wonder girls is also great. a sexy, playful synth-pop record with clear 80s influences... what's not to love? sometimes you just need someone to light up your candle.

anyway, if you guys ever need a k-pop rec from someone who is an extremely picky listener, i'm always here lol! :)

[alarrytale]

I’m so confused why him using an accent now seems to be a discourse. The album has been out for almost 2 years. You either like it or you don’t at this point. I personally like the accent. It’s breaking out of the cookie cutter sound of pop and that’s ok. I’m sorry but pop has become so watered down to the point where you can barely tell one singer from another these days. I think he’s experimenting with sounds and is deciding what works best for him. I don’t see the issue here? He’s always liked indie music and if he wants to go that route with his sound, why can’t he? A singer should love what they sing anyway and if they don’t then what’s the point of them singing anymore. Singers are inspired by other singers and sounds since the beginning of music. Why is that an issue suddenly when it comes to Louis being inspired by Oasis? If we look at Niall for example, he’s clearly inspired by Bruce. Who cares if they’re inspired by someone. I think the main trouble here is not an accent and it’s not a “lad” image. The real problem is the general public doesn’t see him at all. BBC has hyped up every single member of 1D’s solo work, except for his for example. I don’t think that’s a coincidence because he has just as radio friendly music as the others do. Same with iheart, capital, etc. With the reactions to the articles from Glastonbury, most of the general public didn’t even know he did solo music. Some articles at least mentioned his solo events so he got some exposure from that. My point is the issue isn’t his accent, his smoking, weed, his having a normal fun time at Glastonbury like every other single attendee there, etc. He’s just simply not known. If image was an issue, Zayn and Liam would never be played either and that’s just not the case. That’s nothing against Zayn or Liam either, it’s just reality. They have worse images out to the general public than Louis does. Even Harry’s image out there isn’t good at the moment. Personally I think Louis and his team need to be more proactive and figure out how to promote him. They’ve been lazy with this. The tv & silver Fox stories going viral was surely a surprise to even them but it took ahold with the general public and got his name out there again. And just to add because I know you agree with me on this one… Why did they not make waoyf a single. WHY!?!

Hi, anon!

The accent while singing is a discourse again because it's a divisive thing in this fandom and people don't agree on it. There is no right or wrong answer to it, it all depends on his goals. Since we aren’t really privy to his goals, it's hard to understand what he's trying to do. If he's moving towards being more indie, and fitf was a transitional album, my guess is that's why they didn’t make waoyf a single or capitalised on it's popularity. I think it was a big mistake, but i don't want Louis to do indie music or have an indie image. It's such a waste of momentum and having accumulated a broad international fanbase who love pop music over the years. To see it all go to waste, because of his shitty image and trying to appear as a lad, is fucking hard.

Louis is not unknown. He was in 1D and he's got 35 million followers on twitter. Right now he's catering to people outside of those 35 million followers, instead of trying to awaken those who are already partial to him. His shitty image is stopping the gp, and his own fans, from buying his music and going to his shows. People do know him, but people don't like what they see or what they hear. He's got one foot in each camp, and he's not committing. He's too rich boybander with teenage girl fans to be indie, and he's too grey haired, northern lad with issues with no hit songs to be commercially successful. The only one with a less appealing image is Liam.

He's yelling at larries, he's singing about larry. He's getting headlines at Glasto, but he isn't headlining Glasto. His monthly listeners is falling day by day. To figure out how to promo him, they need to figure out what the goal is and how to get him there. I fear the goal is being mid, the promo is mid and the effort is mid. I also fear Louis is viewing himself as mid and the confidence in himself is mid. So we see some half assed efforts and missed opportunities. If the goal is being mid, then that's disappointing, and it's going to be hard staying mid, when his fans is used to success, superstardom and effort being made.

I don't understand Louis and his team at all. Even if he's got things against him that he can't control stopping him from progressing, he's fumbling a lot on his own too. He doesn’t need to be mid at all, he has potential to be so much more, but it does look like that mid is where it's at.

[fortuositywritings]

Netflix and Chill

Part 2 of New Resolutions

You asked for it and voila. WandaxReader, oblivious!reader 

Summary: Wanda asks you to Netflix and chill and you do what you do best - misinterpret everything.

“Kate is multifaceted. Very talented, but I’m sure she’ll brag to you all about it. Anyway, could you show her around the compound? I have some stuff I need to do,” Clint asks.

“Oh, yeah. Of course,” you agree. “Let me just text Wanda and let her know I’ll be a little late to our date tonight. We’re gonna watch a movie.”

“I still can’t believe this is a thing. What movie are you going to watch?”

“I don’t know. Wanda said we’d just chill in her room and watch Netflix. Do you have any suggestions?” you ask innocently. 

Clint chuckles, “Yeah. Put on the performance of a lifetime.”

“Oh, I haven’t heard of that one. Is it a drama?”

“What? No,” he shakes his head disappointedly. 

“What’s going on here? Why are you shaking your head at Y/N?” Sam appears. “Did she fall for uhbish again?”

“What’s uhbish?” You fall right into that one.

Sam cracks up. “That’s what I’m trying to find out!”

You glare at him, realizing what he did there while Clint shakes his head again. Sam’s laughter dies down and he asks again. “No, but seriously, what did I miss?”

“Wanda invited Y/N to her room tonight to ‘watch movies’,” Clint says suggestively.

“Why are you doing air quotes?” you ask.

“Oh, Y/N,” Sam sighs. “There’s not going to be any movie. You better have some good music queued up. Depending on how tonight goes, Wanda decides whether or not you two should continue dating.”

“What?”

“I don’t know how much clearer I can be. She wants to do it with you,” Sam emphasizes. “You got to bring your A game. Here’s a tip, the louder she is the more she’s enjoying it.”

“That’s not true,” Clint mutters. 

“So tomorrow she better not be able to speak,” Sam tells you. “That’s your goal.”

“Oh, god. I didn’t know this is what we were going to do.” You rub the back of your neck, trying to calm yourself down. 

“You freaked her out, Sam. Good going,” Clint chides Sam. “Y/N, don’t listen to him. This is supposed to be fun. If one of you gets nervous, let the other person take the lead.”

“Oh, that’s good. Yeah. You should take the lead. A lot of girls like it when you are confident,” Sam advises. 

“Okay, yeah. I can start it I guess,” you voice. 

“That’s the spirit. Make us proud!” Sam exclaims. Clint pats your back before he and Sam leave you riddled with nerves in the hallway. You were just planning on watching a movie with Wanda tonight and now Clint and Sam are saying that she’s expecting something else from you. How are you supposed to prepare?

You show Kate around the compound answering her many questions about the Avenger life and finish the tour in her room where she asks more questions. Half of the boxes in her room are unpacked. Wow, she has a lot of trophies. It had taken you less time than you thought giving Kate the grand tour much to your displeasure because it had taken your mind off of tonight and now you are thinking too hard about it. 

Kate notices you biting your nails and asks, “Are you okay? You seem anxious.”

“Sorry,” you apologize, pulling your hand away from your face. You clench your fists to not be tempted to bite your nails again. “It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure? Maybe I could help, if you want to talk about it?” she offers.

Looking at her trophies, you think maybe she can help. She seems to know what she’s doing and is a champ at everything. “You have a lot of awards. What are some things you are good at?”

She discloses her impressive repertoire. “My main focus is archery, but through the years I did a lot of things. There’s fencing, gymnastics, several sports, mixed martial arts. I learned Krav Maga.”

“Oh, I always wanted to learn a new language,” you say.

“Krav Maga is a style of fighting,” Kate informs you.

“No, yeah, I knew that.” Kate doesn’t quite believe you but you continue on, “So you know a lot. Maybe you can help me. See I’ve got to impress someone tonight and I need some tips.”

“Um, yeah. Sure. What are you trying to do?”

“I need to find the right song,” you answer. 

An hour later, Wanda is waiting in her bedroom for you. She has Netflix pulled up on her television and snacks on her night stand, nothing that would get too messy. Her bedsheets are nice and clean. There is a lit candle in one corner of the room. She is fresh and showered and shaven. She is just waiting for you to knock at her door. 

Knock, Knock

And there you are. She gets up from her bed, giddy with excitement. Of course she’s a little nervous but she’s ready for this with you. She fixes her outfit and fluffs her hair before opening the door. 

“Hello, Y/N,” she greets you with a bright smile.

“Hi, Wanda,” you reply with your own timid smile. She ushers you into her room and you have a hard time taking your eyes off of her. So much skin is on display. She’s wearing a tank top and some lounging shorts that show off her long legs. Wanda smirks seeing you checking her out. 

“I’ve got to be honest. I’m kind of nervous,” you admit. 

“Oh, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable,” Wanda says sincerely. She’s a bit disappointed but if you aren’t ready, then you aren’t ready, and she is going to respect it.

“No, I can do it. I just don’t want to disappoint you. I’m not very good at this,” you confide sheepishly. 

She takes your face in her hands and looks you in the eyes. “Hey, I won’t be disappointed. I promise.”

She kisses you tenderly and the nerves dissolve. When she pulls away you whisper, “Okay, I’m ready.”

“Yeah?” she asks, with an excited smile.

“Yeah,” you confirm. “Go sit over there.”

You point at the bed and Wanda follows your order. She guesses you’re taking charge and she is more than okay with that. 

“Do you have a speaker?” you ask. She points to one by the candle. She didn’t think you would have a playlist for this but alright. While you are setting up the music, you tell her, “Before we start this I have to warn you it may be a little rough.”

Her eyes widen at that. You continue, “Usually I’m drunk when I do this. It’s usually better like that but that may just be the alcohol making me believe that.”

That concerns Wanda. She voices, “That doesn’t seem right, Y/N.”

“I know, I know. It shouldn’t take alcohol for me to do this with people. People do this all the time sober. I guess I just feel like people are always judging and I can’t enjoy it when I think someone is giving me a score in their mind,” you state. 

“I don’t want you feeling that way here, okay? You are perfect to me and I don’t want you thinking otherwise,” Wanda insists. “And if you don’t want to do this right now, I can wait.”

“No, I’m ready,” you say. “I spent the whole last hour practicing with Kate. I’m all warmed up.”

“What?!” Wanda hollers, but you don’t hear her over the music that started playing. 

Wanda recognizes the song. It’s “Fallin’ For You” by Colbie Caillait. What she doesn’t notice is that it is the karaoke version but that’s because she’s too wrapped up thinking you just hooked up with Kate before you came to Wanda’s room. 

“I don’t know but I think I may be 

Fallin’ for you, droppin’ so quickly.

Maybe I should keep this to myself.

Wait until I know you better.”

You are trying your best to not sound pitchy that you don’t realize Wanda is very upset at the moment.

“I am trying not to tell you

But I want to

I’m scared of what you’ll say

And so I’m hiding what I’m feeling

But I’m tired of holding this inside my head!

I’ve been spen-”

You stop when you hear the music stop playing. You see Wanda by the speaker and she looks mad. “What’s wrong?” you ask worriedly. “Oh, god. Was I that bad?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she hisses. 

“I know I should have picked my go-to karaoke song but Kate said I should pick one that makes me think of you and that was it. I told her it wasn’t really in my range and that one hour of rehearsing wasn’t going to change that but she insisted,” you explain. 

Wanda’s anger turns into confusion. Her eyebrows furrow as she tries to get all the facts. “Wait, so the hour with Kate practicing, you were just singing this song?”

“I mean, I also tried ‘Sexy Bitch’ but she said that one wasn’t as romantic and you would like this one more,” you recount. “I see now it was a mistake.”

Wanda shakes her head. “No, it wasn’t. It’s sweet, really.”

“Then why did you get mad?”

“I thought you and Kate, you know,” she looks away. 

Your eyes widen with realization. Wanda got jealous. “Oh, do you not want me to duet with anyone but you?”

“I know we haven’t talked about it but we’ve been dating for like a month now. I think that warrants exclusivity,” Wanda mumbles.

“How about a compromise? I mean it’s asking a little too much to not sing with other people, so how about I will only sing romantic duets with you?”

Wanda realizes you two are not having the same conversation. “Y/N, I meant I thought you and Kate slept together before coming here.”

“Like sex?” you whisper scandalously. 

She rolls her eyes. “Yes, Y/N. Sex.”

You gasp, “What? I wouldn’t do that to you. I haven’t slept with anyone since I liked you which was, like, the day we met. Your face ruined sex for me.”

Wanda raises an eyebrow at you and you’ve learned this is a sign that you’ve said something wrong, so you retrace your steps. It’s something you’ve been doing this month with Wanda. “Sorry, what I mean to say is after meeting you, I didn’t want anyone else and anytime someone tried something, your face would pop in my head and they weren’t what I wanted.”

She nods, satisfied with your correction. 

“You couldn’t ruin sex for me if you tried. Actually, I take that back. You could do anything you set your mind to,” you tell her. “You would just have to try really hard for that cause sex with you would be awesome, no doubt.”

She’s quiet and you think you’ve said something wrong again. “Sorry, I meant it would be an honor to make love to you and I wouldn’t take the opportunity for granted?”

Wanda blushes and looks at you in awe. There is no way you are real. One way to find out. She pulls you into a kiss. When she pulls away, you are smiling, happy she isn’t upset anymore. 

“So, do I finish the song, or do you want to sing next?” 

Wanda decides sleeping with you tonight wasn’t on the table. You deserve something better than her suggesting ‘Netflix and chill’. When the day comes, she would make it special and make sure you knew exactly what to expect. 

“You practiced for so long. I want to hear you sing it,” she says, handing you your phone to replay the song. She goes back to her bed, sits down, and grabs a snack to watch you perform. You have a fun night singing with Wanda. You even invite Kate via text. Natasha joins in after she knocks on the door asking why you are butchering her favorite song. Being in the room next door, she could hear the three of you belting out the lyrics. 

The girls get tired around one in the morning. Kate and Nat leave, but not without Kate taking the leftover snacks with her. You help Wanda pick up her pillows scattered all over the room from Kate’s last song. She had put on a whole performance, jumping on Wanda’s bed, pretending it was her stage. 

“Tonight was really fun. I don’t know why I was so nervous,” you tell her as you fix her bed.

“Oh, leave it. I’m about to go to sleep anyway,” she croaks. She places her hand over her throat. “My voice is gone.”

“Then I call tonight successful,” you chuckle. Sam will be proud tomorrow when you tell him. “Do you want me to get you something from the kitchen? I could make you some tea if you want?”

“No, that’s okay,” she declines, getting into her bed. “Thank you for offering.”

“Yeah. Okay, I’ll let you sleep,” you announce. 

“Y/N.” You turn around. Wanda pulls the covers from next to her. “Will you sleep with me?”

You gape at her and stammer, “L-like sex right now?”

She palms her face. “No, like falling asleep next to me.”

“Oh, yeah. Duh,” you chuckle in embarrassment. “Of course I will.”

You take your shoes off and basically run to bed, excitedly pulling the covers over your body. Wanda smiles at your goofy antics. You feel your heart skyrocket when she cuddles you. 

“We should Netflix and chill more often. It was fun,” you suggest.

“Hey, Y/N?” Wanda whispers.

“Yeah?”

“What do you think Netflix and chill means?” she asks. You feel her lips upturn. 

“It means singing, doesn’t it?” you answer.

“Who told you that?”

“Sam and Clint. They were all like ‘you’re not watching any movie’ and ‘you need good music’ cause I guess this decides whether you will keep seeing me or not,” you reply. “But I’m glad they told me or I would have totally been unprepared tonight.”

Wanda tries not to laugh at that. The night did not go like Wanda planned. It’s not all bad though because it ended the way she wanted it to, with her in your arms. “Good thing they did that.”

“So, did I do okay? Will you keep going on dates with me?” you ask nervously.

She smiles and pulls away to lean up and kiss you. “You did great and since you asked so nicely, yes, we can keep seeing each other.” She cuddles you again.

“Awesome. Good night, Wanda,” you murmur, falling asleep. 

You wake up to kisses from Wanda. You smile feeling ridiculously happy that Wanda is the first thing you see in the morning. Your arm is numb from having Wanda’s weight on it all night but it is worth it. She looks like an angel. 

“How are you real?” you ask, entranced by her beauty. 

She blushes, rolling her eyes playfully at you. You aren’t known to be quick witted, but Wanda’s found out you can be damn smooth sometimes without meaning to be. “That’s cheesy.”

Her voice is still gone, but it isn’t as bad as when she fell asleep. You hop up from her bed. “That’s it. I’m going to make you some tea. Or do you prefer coffee?”

She doesn’t want you to go but coffee sounds really good at the moment. “Coffee, please. I’ll meet you in the kitchen. I’m just going to change.”

You enter the kitchen whistling a happy tune. Sam, Clint, and Steve are in the kitchen already. You greet them as you make your way to brew some coffee. “Good morning!”

“Sure looks like it,” Sam comments, making Clint chuckle. “How was last night?”

“It was awesome. I don’t know why I was so nervous. She told me I did great,” you inform him. “By the end, we were so tired, I think I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation. The only thing is my arm is kind of sore. Hopefully next time I get to be on top.”

“Okay, we don’t need the details,” Clint says.

“Hush, Barton. Let the woman speak. You were saying, Y/N?” Sam gestures for you to continue. Clint shakes his head at Sam and Steve wonders how the hell he ended up in this conversation. 

The coffee is ready and you pour some in a cup for Wanda. You know how she takes it already so you prepare it the way she likes. You continue, “I was nervous but I took the lead like you guys suggested. I thought Wanda was mad at one point, but it turns out it was something else and she let me finish.” 

“Yeah, okay. I’m tuning you out,” Clint grunts. He turns off his hearing aid but realizes his good ear is facing your direction. “Damn it.”

Wanda walks in then. “Morning, everyone,” she tries to say but it comes out more like a whisper. Sam’s eyes light up at this fact. “Sorry, Y/N. I have to take that to go. I forgot I have to meet Bruce.”

“That’s okay. I’ll see you later.” You smile and hand her the coffee. Wanda kisses your cheek before heading off. 

“Damn, you actually did it! For your first night together, that’s impressive,” Sam exclaims. 

Steve makes a face. “That’s what that was? I couldn’t sleep with all the thumping.”

“Sorry,” you apologize. You forgot that Steve’s room is one floor beneath Wanda’s. “Kate got over excited.”

Clint chokes on his breakfast. “Kate was a part of it?!”

“Oh yeah. She was like the star of the show. You weren’t kidding about her being talented at, like, everything. She got the last one and boy did she make a mess,” you reply, before taking a sip of your own coffee. 

“Oh my god!” Sam is eating this like hot gossip. “Why was I giving you tips? Clearly you know what you are doing.”

“Please stop talking,” Clint begs.

Steve’s face is flushed. “I don’t think you should be telling people this, Y/N. It seems private.”

“What do you mean?” you ask, not understanding how a karaoke night is a private thing. 

Your question goes unanswered because Nat interrupts. “Hey, guys. What’s with all the faces?”

She serves herself cereal while Sam answers. “Y/N is telling us about the wild night she had.”

“Oh yeah. That was fun. We should do that again, Y/N,” Natasha requests. All the men’s jaws drop. 

“You were there, too?!” Steve gasps. 

“Who wasn’t there?” Clint asks sarcastically, not actually wanting an answer.

“I wasn’t. That’s for sure. Did Wanda send a group text and not include me?” Sam quips.

“Jeez, it’s not a big deal. It just happened. My room is next to Wanda’s and I obviously heard them, so I popped in to show them how it’s really done,” Nat explains. 

“Nat was a total rockstar,” you praise her to the others. 

“Oh, that was nothing,” Nat replies.

“NO seriously. The breath control you have, it’s impressive. You guys should see it!” you tell the guys. 

“I’d really rather not,” Clint mumbles.

“Oh, I know! We could do it again tomorrow night. Yelena and Bucky will be back from their mission. I know they would be down. Oh, I would kill to watch them duet,” you add, excited just imagining what song they would sing.

“That would be fun to watch,” Nat agrees. The guys stare at her, bewildered at how nonchalantly she answered, eating her cereal. 

“That is just wrong, Nat,” Sam states.

“What? It’s Yelena and Bucky. You’re not curious to hear what they sound like together?” she asks.

“No. No, I am not,” Sam replies. 

“Oh, come on. Trust me. Once you get into it, it’s a lot of fun. We can even have drinks. Clint, I’ll get that beer you really like.” You try to convince them.

“He’s married, Y/N,” Steve says, shocked you would invite Clint to do this sort of activity.

“The more the merrier! You can invite her, Clint,” you offer.

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” Clint assures you.

“I knew stuff went down at girls’ slumber parties. Didn’t I tell you, Steve? Now they’re trying to have a giant ‘slumber party’ in the compound,” Sam blurts.

“Why did you air quote slumber party?” Nat asks.

“Because we all know what it really is. We know there won’t be any sleeping,” Sam responds. 

“Yeah, because it’s not a slumber party,” Nat says, like it’s so obvious. “But I mean, if you end up on the couch then whatever.”

“Woah, no, no, no. No one will be doing anything on the couch. Steve, you’re the captain. Tell them they can’t use the living room,” Clint demands.

You and Nat look at him in confusion, wondering why he is so against you using the living room.

“He’s right. You guys can do whatever you want behind closed doors but we don’t need to see it in the living room,” Steve declares. 

Nat finally asks the question, “What the hell do you guys think we are going to use the living room for?”

“Your little sex party,” Clint replies.

You choke on your coffee and Natasha is trying not to laugh, especially at Clint’s wording. “Why in the world do you think we are planning an orgy?”

“Because that’s literally what you are doing!” Sam bellows.

“We are planning a karaoke night,” Nat informs him. “We had a lot of fun singing last night and we thought it would be fun with everyone.”

“OHHHHH,” the men say in unison.

“Why would I want to watch my sister get it on with Bucky?” Nat asks incredulously.

“You agreed with Y/N that it would be fun to watch them do it,” Sam says.

“Du - et, Wilson. As in sing together,” she clarifies.

“Yeah, that makes more sense. So you didn’t have a foursome?” Sam asks.

“No, we were just singing. What gave you that idea?” 

“Y/N said Wanda and her were going to have sex, and then we hear that you and Kate were there too and talking about how talented she is and your breath control, we assumed,” Sam explains. 

You splutter, “Wa-wa-wait! I never said that.”

“Yes, you said Wanda invited you to Netflix and chill,” Clint remembers correctly.

“Yeah, and then you guys told me that meant singing,” you tell him.

“We didn’t say that,” Sam tells Natasha when she gives them a look, thinking they might have just been messing with you.

“Yes, Clint said to give a good performance and to take the lead and Sam said to pick good music and even said Wanda wanted to duet- oh.” You stop, figuring out how this got messy. 

“I think the lesson here is that everyone needs to learn to enunciate more clearly,” Steve comments.

“This was a great way to start my morning, guys. Thanks for that,” Nat says, washing her plate. 

The men get up as well. One by one, they wash their plates and then leave. Nat is the last. Before she is out of earshot, you ask her, “So what does Netflix and chill mean?”

“Look it up,” she smirks. You pull out your phone and do that. You nearly flip the table when you read the definition and realize what you missed out on last night.

Despite already being in another room a hallway away, Nat hears you yell in frustration, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME !!”

She shakes her head. “Tsk, tsk. Oh, Y/N.”

__________________________________________

I hope you liked part 2. There may be a part 3 just because when I was coming up with ideas, I came up with a lot and this one just got out of hand.

taglist: @scarletswandawitch @imdreamingblo @anxietyisgreat @xxromanoffxx @romanoffomixam @diaryoflife @natashasilverfox @harleyswanda @olsensnpm @chaekhan @dumpaccdontmindme

[forcebewitht]

Force's Disney Geek Master Theory: Why Twisted Wonderland Is Called Twisted Wonderland

We have all grown to know and love various Disney characters over the years, correct? Yet, I believe a lot of us can argue that not many characters have the same effect on us even as adults today as the Villains do within their respective movies. In the game Disney: Twisted Wonderland as we all know and love, the select boys to Overblot are supposed to have the "souls" of their Villain counterparts, right? But...why is it called "Twisted" Wonderland, then? The truth may lie within something that has been right in front of us all along, my friends: the meaning of a mirror. Ready to buckle in for this one? If so, then here we go!

We have seen all of these guys share character traits, looks, etc with their Disney counterparts, correct? Well, what if I were to tell you that things in terms of the "main" guys that we are supposed to pay attention to aren't exactly what they seem? This could be analyzed in a few different ways, honestly, yet the most prominent way is this: the differences in their personalities- they are reversed. Let us take this bit by bit, shall we?

Ah, yes. The Queen Of Hearts. The ranting, raging, bundle of red, black, and gold we all know and love. (or else heads would roll, I'm sure) One of the things that everybody knows about her is that she's extremely hellbent on the crazy rules that she makes up and is prone to anger honestly very easily. Yeah, you can connect that to Riddle- but think about it for a second. While that rage and the rule thing is still there, it isn't as prominent with him as it was with her, is it? With the Queen of Hearts, her whole "issue" was that she wished to make everybody listen to her and follow her every command- but Riddle was essentially always following the rules of another- not his own. This seemed to make Riddle a little more calm most of the time in terms of how he handled and oversaw things. It wasn't until he actually Overblotted that the "listen to me and only me" thing came out- buuuuuuttttttt I'll get to that part in a bit.

Next: Leona and Scar. While we honestly didn't get to see a lot of what went on behind the scenes in the Outlands in terms of how Scar even met the hyenas to begin with at all, one thing can honestly be said- Scar worked very hard to get where he was. I mean, it's not like you can get an entire pack of rabid, hungry hyenas onto your side in the course of a single day, or maybe even a week (especially as a lion, no less). No, something to that extreme takes careful planning, wording, and stringing along to ensure that nothing goes wrong along the way. The way Scar spoke to Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed made it seem as though he had known them for a looooonngggg time before this- that's where that behind the scenes planning comes in. And then...you have Leona. Leona, from what we can tell in Chapter 2, planned the idea for the "endgame" alright- but he didn't actually act upon any of the plan for himself. Ruggie did. Even in the Lion King, we see that Scar had no problems whatsoever getting his paws dirty a little within his own scheme to take his "rightful place" at the head of Pride Rock- but Leona quite honestly did not a thing once Ruggie was in motion. See where this is starting to head?

Azul and Ursula. Ursula, the Disney baddie queen of my heart Ursula, the Sea Witch. She was known all around the ocean floor for helping out poor little merfolk in secret, wasn't she? Yet, nobody ever really seemed to catch wind of the whole "her turning those who didn't quite fit the bill into polyps" thing, did they? That was one of the things that made her such a honest threat to Ariel herself- because Ursula was cunning. She did things behind the scenes, and sure- we could catch onto it out in the audience (annnddd maybe Sebastian and Flounder as well), but nobody else really seemed to, right? Azul is the complete opposite in this standpoint. He instills direct fear into his "workers" and those even beyond and within his dorm. Like- basically most knew that this dude was bad news to begin with. Azul, mostly, seemed to hide his cunning facade behind a fake yet still seemingly "soft and genuine" smile and act. But all in all, he didn't really attempt to "hide" anything- hell, he even proclaimed his entire plan of what everyone with those things on their heads were gonna do for him in the open! At least when Ursula sang as Vanessa, she was in an almost perfectly enclosed room with nobody else around.

Jamil and Jafar. This comparison here, given what occurs in the movie Aladdin, is honestly one of the biggest possible indicators of this reoccuring theme I shall clarify in a bit. Jafar, while being sneaky, was known for being a more "out there" Disney Villain in terms of his personality alongside that of his partner Iago in the film. He would smile in a sinister way, he would crack jokes out in the open, and let us not forget his crazed yet oddly interesting laughter. Jamil? He's the exact opposite. Given his past and what he has had to dealt with growing up with Kalim, he is much more reserved and barely releases a chuckle or cracks a smile at all. His personality is a lot more repressed than that of Jafar himself throughout the film. Jamil has been so used to having to hold himself back thanks to his parents in favor of Kalim's family, he doesn't seem to know how to "let go" whatsoever. Yet Jafar, while still maintaining that sneaky side of him as well, has no problems whatsoever letting a little hang loose whenever he so chooses to.

Vil and the Evil Queen. This one honestly may be a bit more self explanatory than the others- but the difference between these two is their expressions of themselves. The Evil Queen was the very first animated counted Disney Villain within Disney's history- yet, she barely had any lines throughout the film at all. Her ranges of expression were almost little to none thanks to the era in which the movie was released in- but she always looked like she was pissed, huh? Vil is the exact opposite of her in this sense. He is able to fully express himself through his various facial expressions, theatrical abilities, musical experiences, fashion style, and even how he behaves. Vil is able to do so much more than the Evil Queen did or could do within that time period, that it's almost a little staggering if you fully picture it.

Idia and Hades. Now, now. We haven't honestly seen too much of the flaming blue boy yet in TWST, but one thing is apparent here right off the bat- in terms of his personality? He is the exact opposite of Hades. Idia is much like Jamil but to a more "geek" degree- he's extremely introverted, shy, a bit snippy, yet mainly keeps to himself and his gaming tech. Hades is most often renowned as the Disney Villain with the most personality- and the best humor. Hades has no problem whatsoever being "out there" with his crazy puns, sassy remarks, anger, and even mocking behavior. I mean, please, guys- I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat!

Finally, Malleus and Maleficent. Ooooohoooooooo boy. We have to count out the live action movie Maleficent for this one (sorry horned queen fans). One thing that basically everybody even with their toe in the water in that of Disney movies kind of knows this fact- Maleficent is c r u el. She's got a bizarre set of dark powers and an even blacker heart than that. Hell, we basically had to "soften her up" a little bit in Maleficent thanks to just how seemingly irredeemable her character is in that of Sleeping Beauty. I mean, c'mon now- cursing an infant? And we get no explanation for that in the original? C'mon, now. Anyways, Malleus? As we all can tell by now, this dude is the compleeettteeeeeee opposite. Sure, he has those repressed bits here and there too, but it is evident that this dude has a heart crying out for the MC and it is big, bold, and golden to the core once you look past how he looks. He sent the MC a card for winter break, for crying out loud. Yeah, let me know the next time you see Maleficent do that smh.

Now, I have avoided using a certain word up until this point to see if anybody could catch on to what exactly is happening here. Did you figure it out? Reverse. The boys that either have Overblotted already or intend to Overblot soon stop holding out on us, Chapter 6 have had the exact opposite personalities compared to that of their Villain counterpart- until one prime point in their "character arcs". Their Overblot.

Riddle wished to have all bow before him and obey his rules.

Leona led his entire dorm into ruin and nearly sanded away the entire school in the process.

Azul let himself finally free of his personal shackles entirely and "took what was his".

Jamil finally let himself go and opened up more in his personality, almost seeming to be driven insane in the process.

Vil wanted to become the most beautiful one of all and would kill anyone within the way of that goal without any hesitation whatsoever.

The moment that the boys' Overblotted, that was the exact moment when the "soul" of their Disney Villain counterpart took control. Keeping that idea in mind, that should mean that this will happen in the upcoming chapters and their Overblots:

Idia will show off all of the personality, powers, and intelligence that he has been keeping down within this introverted self of his.

Malleus will become so broken by being left out and alone in the cold for the final time that he will turn into a completely cruel Fae and possibly nearly kill either the MC or the representation of Prince Philip within that Chapter in the process.

(Hello, my dear Readers! Guess who is trying to get back into her bigger pieces of writing? This gal right here~ feel free to drop a comment and tell me what you think of this theory- I'd love to hear your thoughts! 💕)

[notkageyamasprincess]

youth | tsukishima kei x reader

characters: childhood friend!tsukishima kei x g/n!reader

genre/warnings: fluff, a tiny crumb of angst, typical unrequited love EXCEPT IT’S NOT UNREQUITED, maybe crack if you really squint, no warnings except maybe cussing? anyways they slow dance in a playground 💞

words: 2.4k

summary: you and tsukishima are on a late-night snack run when you pass by the playground where you met as kids. together, you reminisce about childhood memories, make a few realizations, and make plans to fulfill an old promise.

notes: listen to youth by troye sivan while reading if you’d like. also, i tried to make the reader gender-neutral, hopefully i didn’t accidentally miss something

The sound of distant traffic and rustling leaves filled your ears as you and Tsukishima walked home from your trip to the nearby 24-hour convenience store. The snack packaging crinkled in the plastic bag he carried, and your footsteps fell into a comfortable rhythm beside him. The orange gleam of the streetlamps created tall shadows of your silhouettes, stretching across the pavement in front of you. Turning your head, you recognized the familiar metal railings of the old playground you visited countless times as children.

You tugged at his sleeve to stop him and pointed to the entrance. 

“Do you remember when we used to come here all the time? Let’s go sit for a while, I don’t feel like going home yet.”

“Suit yourself. It’s cold, I’m going home,” he responded, a scowl on his face. He hands you the bag and continues walking.

“Hmm, I bet you just want to leave so you can go text your crush. Your mom would be pissed if she found out that you left me out here alone at this hour, though. Auntie loves me like I’m her own child, you know that” you called out, grinning mischievously. 

He stops in his tracks. “____, are you threatening me?”

“Nope,” you replied in a sly tone. “I’m just a master of persuasion.” You don’t wait for him to reply and started cheerfully towards the swings, knowing he would follow you. You grinned even wider when you hear his strides coming closer.

You couldn’t see it, but a ghost of a smile softened his expression as he trailed behind you.

“You’re annoying,” he muttered. 

Fine, whatever. As long as it makes you happy.

You set down the plastic bag next to the swings and nudged his shoulder as he approached you. “Look, I’ll treat you to a hot drink to make it up to you. There’s a vending machine over there, what do you want?”

“Coffee’s good.”

As you hurried over to the machine, he gazed at your retreating figure illuminated by the dim glow emitting from behind the glass. He chuckled as you propped your chin on your hand, carefully pondering the options before you.

Your eyes flitted over the labels before finally settling on what to get for yourself. 

Milk tea it is.

You returned, tossing him his coffee which he caught effortlessly. 

He met your eyes with an amused look. “Took you long enough.”

“Hey, it was a difficult decision!” 

You plopped down on the swing next to him and popped open the tab on your own drink.

------☾------☾------ 

You swayed back and forth, tracing circles in the gravel with your foot as you and Tsukishima recounted your childhood antics. Breaths rise in puffs as you nursed your drinks.

“Sometimes I wish we could be kids again. We didn’t have anything to worry about…”

He hummed in agreement. You snuck a glance at his handsome features. Moonlight reflected off his glasses as he sipped from his can and you felt your cheeks burn when you realized you were staring at his lips.

And I didn’t have to hide anything from you. Especially not my feelings. I didn’t need to suppress my jealousy when girls asked you for “help” on solving problem sets, or when you brought up your crush. I didn’t have to act like I wasn’t sulking when you received other people’s chocolates on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have to worry about ruining our friendship.

You quickly caught yourself and shook it off, putting a plastic smile on your face. “…I want to go back and relive it again,” you continued.

He quirked an eyebrow. “You sure? What about the time you tried to play hero when Yamaguchi was getting bullied, and then you ended up twisting your ankle?”

“I didn’t expect those boys to actually fight back. Plus, they were nearly twice my size, I didn’t think they would be that low,” you huffed.

“Who knows what would have happened if I wasn’t there.” 

“Luckily, my knight in shining armour came to the rescue,” you giggled, recalling how he had to carry you home on his back. “Anyways, if that didn’t happen, then we wouldn’t have become the Three Musketeers.”

“Dude, stop calling us that, it’s embarrassing.”

“The point is, as far as I know, all my memories with you guys are good memories.”

Tsukishima felt a smile tug on the corners of his lips yet tried hard to conceal how happy that made him feel.

“You’re such a sap. That’s because for the last ten years, I was constantly saving your ass and cleaning up after your messes,” he scoffed.

But I don’t think I’d mind doing that for another ten years. Or twenty.

You noticed faint music coming from his earbuds and perked up.

“Hey, you’re using the earbuds I got you for Christmas!”

“Of course, dumbass. What else would I do with them?”

“I still think you seem cooler with headphones but at least now no one gets to call you broke,” you joked.

He winced. “Isn’t that a dead meme? Also, they’re convenient and I like how they’re wireless.”

You just beamed at him.

He loved how pleased you get over the smallest things. He loved how your eyes became crescents when you smiled. He loved how easy it was to read you. Your emotions were always written on your face and you never made him guess.

God, I’m whipped. 

You finished your drink and placed it on the ground. “So, what are you listening to?” You reached over to take an earbud and found a saccharine love song crooning in your ear. “I didn’t know you listened to stuff like this,” you teased. 

“That’s because I don’t. Did you forget that you were the one who added this to my playlist?”

“Excuses, excuses. Just admit it, it’s a good song.” You leapt up and made a move to pull him up. “Let’s dance.”

“The hell? No way, why would I?”

“Come on, there’s no one else here except us, and I really want to.” You gave him your best puppy eyes and begged. “Kei-chan…Please?”

Tsukishima felt his resolve weaken.

This is bad. Why is it so hard to say no?

“I told you already, drop the -chan,” he said, reluctantly letting you drag him away.

You wrapped his arms around your waist and looped yours around his neck. “Oops, I guess old habits die hard.” You looked up at him. “Kei.”

The tips of his ears tinged pink and he felt the back of his neck heat up.

Shit, shit, shit. Calm down, she only said your name. Stop freaking out.

“Hey, your neck feels really warm right now. Didn’t you say you were cold?”

“Shut up, that’s just because of your sweaty hands.”

“Deal with it.”

------☾------☾------

You gently swayed to the tune and closed your eyes, savouring the moment. 

He glanced down. The moon shined on you and accentuated your long eyelashes, cute nose, and rosy lips. A slight breeze swept over the two of you and your hair fluttered softly in the air before coming to a rest, framing your face once more.

When did this brat get so attractive?

He averted his eyes just in time before you noticed. The current song ended, and a more upbeat track began to play. It was “Youth” by Troye Sivan.

“Do you want to stop? This is probably too fast to dance to, and you’re going off the beat,” he pointed out.

“No, it’s alright. I’m having fun and I really like this song.”

You reached into his coat pocket to put the song on loop then laid your head on his shoulder. Truthfully, this was the most romantic thing you’ve ever done. You wanted to press pause on the entire world and stay in your haven for as long as possible.

“Kei, do you know what just came to mind? This is the place where we first met, and I remember being obsessed with you at first because I thought you looked similar to the main character from my favourite movie. Back then, I made it my goal to marry someone just like him.”

You smiled wistfully at the memory, recalling how you followed him around everywhere like a lost puppy. You found it hilarious that you liked him even then.

He smirked. “Yeah, I avoided you like the plague and I got so fed up because you wouldn’t stop pestering me to marry you.”

“Yup! You even told me that kids are too young to marry but I just made you swear not to kiss other people and to marry me when we were old enough,” you laughed. “Now that I’m looking back on it, that was a pretty stupid promise.”

He honestly didn’t think it was that stupid. There were things that were more stupid in the world. One of them being your taste in men, for instance. He was tired of hearing you gush about a new guy every month.

You and Tsukishima allowed yourselves to get lost in the music and immersed yourselves in the lyrics.

My youth, my youth is yours Tripping on skies, sipping waterfalls

My youth, my youth is yours Run away now and forevermore

My youth, my youth is yours A truth so loud you can't ignore

My youth, my youth, my youth My youth is yours

  “We should go soon. You mentioned you had plans tomorrow morning, right?” he asked.

“I do, but it’s nothing too important. I’m meeting up with Terushima-san.”

His expression soured. “You mean that greasy bastard with the tongue piercing who tried to hit on you at one of our games? Why are you going on a date with that guy?”

“It’s not a date!” you protested. “He asked me to hang out with him once and then he’ll stop texting me.”

He tightened his hold on your waist.

Don’t go.

“You should have just ignored him, it’s not like you owe him a date,” he grumbled.

Why are you wasting your time on him?

You shrugged. “Too late now, it’d be rude to cancel so last minute.”

He rolled his eyes.

Are you trying to make me jealous? Open your eyes, I’m right in front of you! 

You froze. 

Did I hear that right?

You slowly pulled out of the embrace and scanned his face. He looked at you with an indecipherable emotion. Your heart sped up and you hesitated, wondering if you should say something. 

But why would he be jealous, that’s just wishful thinking right? Isn’t he in love with someone else?

You questioned him with a hopeful tone. “Kei. Can you say that again? I might have misheard.” 

Tsukishima’s expression morphed into one of perplexity. And then it dawned on him. 

Oh. Oh. Fuck, fuck, FUCK. 

You started talking before he got a chance to collect his thoughts. “I heard something about jealousy, and I think I heard you say, ‘Open your eyes, I’m right in front of you.’” Your imploring eyes nervously met his own. “But that can’t be right. You were just telling me about the person you were in love with last week.”

Shit. So, you heard it all. 

His mind was racing for ways to take himself out of the current situation. He didn’t think there was much damage control he could do at this point, but you seemed confused and skeptical of what he just said. Maybe he could try to play it off. 

Or... what if I took the opportunity to come clean?

He took a deep breath. “Actually, I’m in love with you, ____. The person I was talking about was you.”

You couldn’t believe your ears.  Never in your wildest fantasies did you entertain the possibility of him returning your feelings. 

He’s in love with…me? This is a dream. This has to be a dream. 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to respond. This is why I didn’t want to tell you,” he continued. ��Look, just give me some time, it doesn’t have to be awkward between us or anything, we can act like how we were before.”

He loosened his hold and started to pull away when you suddenly gripped his shoulders.

“Kei. Pinch me.”

“What?”

“Pinch me,” you repeated. “Ow!” You rubbed your cheek. “Okay, this is definitely not a dream then.”

You gazed up at him and carefully placed your hands on both sides of his face. 

“Listen, I feel the same way. I love you. I’ve loved you since we were sixteen.”

His eyes widened. He gathered you in his arms and engulfed you in a hug. He felt relieved. He felt like he was in the clouds. He felt like he was on a high that he would never come down from. 

You laughed and wrapped yourself around him. 

After a couple minutes, he finally spoke. “____, this might be happiest moment of my entire life. The only thing that can top this would be the moment I see you walking down the aisle towards me. I’m serious. I fully intend to marry you.”

“I have no complaints. As long as you don’t go back on your words, I guess you’re stuck with me.”

“Idiot.” 

“I’m your idiot now,” you grinned. 

He kissed you on the forehead and smirked. “That’s right.”

You melted at the rare display of affection. Almost immediately after, an amusing idea came to your attention and you cracked up.

“What’s so funny?”

“I was just thinking, I feel like I should pat myself on the back and congratulate myself. Six-year-old me would be very pleased at how things turned out.”

He snorted. “Yeah, maybe you were onto something there.” 

“There’s one thing I’m curious about though. When did you realize you had feelings for me?”

“I’m not exactly sure. I think it was sometime during the first year of junior high that I started seeing you differently and noticed that I liked you as more than a best friend.”

Your jaw dropped. “You’re kidding. For real? You’ve suffered for way longer than I had.”

His cheeks flushed scarlet and he avoided looking in your direction for a few seconds. “Well, I wouldn’t call it suffering, but at least now you know.” Then, he caught your eyes and stared at you intently. “Hold on, you’re not still going on that date tomorrow with Terushima, right?”

You smiled reassuringly. “Not anymore. I mean, tonight changed things. I have a boyfriend now, yes?”

“Yeah. Unfortunately for him, you’re mine.”

“I’m yours.”

My youth, my youth is yours A truth so loud you can't ignore

My youth, my youth, my youth My youth is yours

My youth is yours

My youth is yours.

a/n: okay if you actually read to the end, thank uuu!  i’ve had the idea of slow-dancing in the night while listening to youth for a couple years now, it’s just been floating around in my head and i decided to take a chance to write it out! started as a cute date idea but alas, i have no partner to re-enact this with... so there you go! i honestly wanted to write kageyama for my first piece but tsukishima fit a bit better lmao. please feel free to give feedback or general thoughts!

[betterversion--ofme]

Rebecca Black's Search for Identity

Rebecca Black's unabashedly sapphic bop 'Girlfriend' came onto my radar recently. "Holy shit," I thought to myself, thrilled, "She's grown up and got a Carly Rae Jepsen meets Katy Perry sound? I need to hear more of this!"

Well, not exactly... 'Girlfriend' is that, but Rebecca Black isn’t that. Not yet, at least - out of a dozen or more releases, it’s just that one song.

The truth is, Rebecca has been trickling out songs for years, throwing things at the wall, looking for the style that will make her take off.

As I hopped from song to song in the Youtube recommended links, each song was different. They could have each been from a different singer. I was so excited after hearing Girlfriend, but each song I listened to left me more confused.

Skipping past the series of regrettable cash-ins while she was under management of Debra Baum right after 'Friday', then a handful of forgettable EDM pop tracks, are a few more recent interesting songs with -wildly- different vibes. So who IS Rebecca Black?

Welcome Back (she never left)

Every piece of press that Rebecca gets has the same lede: Remember the Friday girl? Well she’s BACK, she’s GROWN UP, and she’s a REAL MUSICIAN now!

But apart from a 3-year hiatus between 'Saturday' and 'The Great Divide', Rebecca has actually been consistently releasing music every year since 'Friday'. There's no comeback to speak of, she's always been around, just not gathering much attention.

It's the kind of PR move that works once and only once: that was then, this is now, and then you stand on the quality of your work and move forward. But every bit of press I could find, at the release of every song coming out almost every year, has taken this stance, not even mentioning the prior songs. She keeps trying to break out, but the viral fame is too comfy to leave behind.

The lead single off her one and only EP ‘RE/BL’, 'Heart Full of Scars', feels like an intentional callback to her viral phase and the cyberbulling she experienced. And I don't doubt that the bullying and harassment she went through left some deep marks. And the biggest thing that’s put her in the headlines lately, of course, is a new version of Friday.

So on the one hand she is trying to move forward with a pop career, but on the other hand she keeps leaning on her prior name recognition and winking back at the past.

She also has a pretty large presence on Youtube. I admit, I have not done a deep dive of her Youtube, Tiktok, and other social media presence. As I understand it, she is friends with a group of LGBTQ Youtubers and makes appearances in their work as well. Most of the recent vlogs on her channel, though, once again are themed around 13-year-old Rebecca.

I mean, those viral-fame-milking videos have double or more the amount of views compared to her other videos, so I guess do what the algorithm commands you to do, girl.

A short history of Rebecca Black the artist

I want to start out by saying I'm not going to consider 'Friday' as part of her career. I want to judge her current work on its own merits: would I be listening to it, if it didn't have any name recognition?

Directly after 'Friday', Rebecca was signed to DB Entertainment and released a string of awkward songs and videos. The less said about them, the better. Then was 'Saturday', dipping from the one-hit-wonder sequel song well with the best of them (see Kung Fu Fighting's Dance the Kung Fu, and The Devil Comes Back to Georgia).

The one cohesive work she has released is the EP ‘RE/BL’ in 2017. Other than that, everything has been released in one-off singles or pairs.

She’s got very safe EDM pop in Foolish and Anyway. She’s got some sweet but dark, Melanie Martinez vibes in Sweetheart and Do You. (She’s even worked with Billie Eilish’s brother Finneas on Satellite). Every time she seems to be heading in a certain direction, she releases something completely different.

As of yet, though, she hasn't settled on any genre or general identity that I would expect from a pop artist. Not that I'm expecting every song she puts out to be the same, or that I don't love some experimentation, but the things she has put out simply don't feel cohesive, and it's like each song is aimed at a different audience.

Who Is Her Base?

So, having listened to all the songs she’s put out to date, I’m at a loss with how to describe Rebecca Black as a pop artist.

Is she a mainstream pop idol? Is she retro-inspired and glittery?

Is she cute but a little dark and edgy? Or a boundary-pushing hyperpop queen?

She's a chameleon, becoming a different artist each time she works with a new collaborator. And I think this is hurting her chances at building a devoted base of fans.

February was big PR moment for our girl Rebecca. Just a week after 'Girlfriend' dropped, so did the hyperpop remix of Friday.

Unfortunately, hearing the phrase 'Friday hyperpop remix' gives you just about everything you need to know, and you barely need to listen to the song. I'm not saying that because of any distaste for hyperpop - Simply, the actual execution of the idea was unsurprising and unexciting (IMO).

It's not completely out of left field, though, as Rebecca is honestly dipping her toe into hyperpop. She had a feature on Dorian Electra's latest album, and her main 2020 release "Closer" has some light Sophie/Charli-esque touches (albeit in a much safer and chiller way than the Dorian track). Her Fantano interview does imply this is something she’s interested in pursuing further.

If Rebecca goes full hyperpop, I am totally behind that. It's a ripe niche, people will appreciate her meme appeal rather than be driven away, and 'hyperpop star' is a rather more achievable goal than 'mainstream pop star'. If she can do that and do it well, it could be the perfect career move for her.

I do hope Rebecca finds her identity as a musician. It’s a tough step for any artist deemed a “one-hit wonder”, and doubly difficult for her unique situation. I think she’s got a lot of potential, and someday we’ll stop saying “Oh, the Friday girl?” and start saying things like “Oh, I loved her latest album!”

[crystalstar8]

Knights of the Night (chapter 1)

Chapter 1

Ch 1, ch 2, ch 3, ch 4, ch 5

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29139240/chapters/71536491

pairing: Jungkook x oc

genre: vampire au, college au, twilight, romance

word count: 2,426

warnings: blood (obviously), kidnapping, child kidnapping, needles, France

notes: vampires, vampire au, college, college au, so many twilight references, blood, needles, kidnapping, children, homelessness, dance, ballet, flashbacks, romance, slow burn, probably no smut, idk yet tho, France, French things, attempted genocide, inaccurate French history, bisexual main character

summary: Catalina starts college in a small town all the way across the country. She doesn’t know anyone and isn’t exactly looking for friends. She just wants to focus on dance. But when she meets fellow dance major, Jimin, and adventurous, fellow freshman, Jungkook, Catalina ends up discovering a whole new side to the small college town; one that is dangerous but oh so enticing... 

              Catalina gazed out of the window as the city flew by. Full Moon, by the Black Ghosts was playing on the radio. She wondered what her apartment was going to look like. She should have listened to her mom when she told Catalina to take a trip out here to set it up before school started, but she never found the time. She had been too busy saying her goodbyes to friends who didn’t care about her leaving.

               The taxi finally entered the small town of St. Briggs. The sky was dark and bleak; when Catalina pictured California, she didn’t imagine this. She was hoping to see a different environment, but it kind of looked just like Michigan. It would still be a change though. Hopefully a good change. This was one of the most highly recommended performing arts schools in the country and Catalina was looking forward to a fresh new chapter of her life.

              ��She was dropped off at her apartment building and the taxi driver asked if she wanted him to help her carry her bags up the stairs. She said no and hurried to pay him. Catalina somehow managed to drag her bags up the stairs on her own, breaking out in a sweat and making her twenty-year-old back hurt. The apartment was lightly furnished already, the bare furniture from the last student still there. So Catalina started unpacking her clothes, toiletries, and bedding. Once everything was unpacked, she looked around at her new living space. It was small, only three rooms: the bedroom, a tiny bathroom, and a kitchen connected to an empty living room. She’d have to get a couch, and maybe a TV. Or she could just save her money. Yeah, that sounded better. She would usually just watch Netflix on her laptop anyway.

               Speaking of her laptop, she pulled it out of her backpack and flopped onto her bare mattress, opening it up. Classes started in a week and she needed to review her schedule and figure out what materials she needed. Her dance class stared back at her from her schedule on the computer screen. She was most excited for that one.

               Catalina sent the schedule to her phone and then closed her laptop. She decided now was a good time to explore the campus, if only to check out the dance studio.

                 It was chilly here, the wind coming off the water brisk and wet. Her hair frizzed up and she mourned the fact that she only packed light clothes, expecting the typical California weather. She should have realized that Northern California would be pretty much the same as where she lived before in Michigan.

               Despite the gloomy weather, the campus was beautiful. It was bustling with students and their families, taking tours and lots of pictures in front of the old buildings. She glanced at the wrinkled campus map in her hands, which she had printed out back at home. The dance studio was closer to the back of the campus, so she trekked through all the freshman and found herself in an emptier part of campus. The buildings here were very old. Big willow trees grew between the buildings, their leafy curtains giving those spots a sense of privacy on the lawn. The dance studio was in a building that looked like it was a refurbished, converted old house. Catalina walked up to the porch and tried the door. It was unlocked.

               Inside the house, it was a bit more modern. There was a tiny lobby and then a hall where there were bathrooms. Then past that was the studio. The door was closed. Catalina reached for the doorknob but paused when she heard music coming from inside. The music stopped, then started again from a previous spot. It continued like this for several minutes, Catalina standing there listening to the same part of the song over and over. Finally, she decided to put whoever was inside out of their misery and she opened the door.

               The guy inside stumbled on the move he was practicing, startling and spinning around towards the door. His chest was heaving and he was sweating, staring at Catalina with wide eyes.

               “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” she said. The guy seemed to snap out of it and he went over to his phone, which was hooked up the speakers, to pause the song.

               “No, it’s okay,” he said. “I just wasn’t expecting anyone to come in here. Usually it’s pretty quiet in the dance hall when there aren’t classes.”

               “Well, I wouldn’t count on that today,” said Catalina. “There’s a million freshman and their entire families out there. It’s only a matter of time before they find you.”

               He giggled and said, “I forgot it was orientation day. My name is Jimin, by the way.”

               “I’m Catalina. This is a really pretty campus.”

               “Yeah, I guess,” said Jimin. He went over to his dance bag and pulled a towel out, wiping his face.

               “I guess?” asked Catalina.

               “I mean, I grew up here. Everything in this town is old,” he said.

               “Oh,” Catalina then realized that she had interrupted him in his practice. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I know how it is when you’re in the zone. I’ll get going-“

               “No, it’s okay! Honestly, I was about to pass out or something if I kept going,” said Jimin. “I just couldn’t get this one move, and it was driving me crazy…”

               “What was the move?” asked Catalina, stepping further into the studio. “Can you teach me?”

               “I mean… I don’t know if you can…”

               “Try me,” said Catalina. Jimin led her to the center of the floor, facing the mirror. He walked her through a complicated move, which led into a jump turn. He broke it down and Catalina followed, nailing it on the second try. Jimin then did it at full speed, perfectly.

               He turned to her with wide eyes.

               “That was the first time I did it right!” he cheered. Catalina clapped along with him.

               “Sometimes all it takes is breaking it down again,” said Catalina. Jimin narrowed his eyes.

               “So, you tricked me?” he asked in a playful tone.

               “Into getting the move right, sure,” Catalina grinned.

               “Well, thank you. You’re pretty good,” he said.

               “I’m majoring in dance, so I should hope so,” said Catalina. “I’ve only been doing it since I was four.”

               “You’re majoring in dance? Me too!” he said. “I’ve never seen you here though. Are you a freshman?”

               “Yeah, this is my first year here,” said Catalina. “I heard the dance program is really good.”

               “It is. It has a good variety too. I’m taking a hip hop class this semester. You should take it with me, if you have room in your schedule.”

               “I’ve been dancing ballet all my life, I don’t think I’d be very good at hip hop…” Catalina scratched the back of her head. Jimin shook his head.

               “No, that’s a myth! Teachers only say that about ballerinas who don’t care about learning other things. I’ve also been doing ballet my whole life but I’m learning a lot of new things here, and I really love it,” said Jimin.

               Catalina laughed and said, “I guess you’re right. I should…broaden my horizons, as my mother would say.”

                 Catalina left the studio that day with a new number in her phone and a more hopeful outlook on her upcoming journey through college.

                 The next week passed in a haze as Catalina readied herself for classes and thought about furnishing her apartment some more. She never did furnish it, but at least she made the bed and filled the fridge. She also got into the hip hop class with Jimin, which she was excited about. She was ready.

               Finally, the first day of classes came and Catalina woke up bright and early. She got dressed; she knew these first few days were going to be the only days she would bother with anything other than pajamas, so she actually made an effort to look cute. Her first class was French, which, honestly, was going to be torture. She needed to learn French to reach her ultimate goal, so it was a necessary evil. It sounded pretty, so maybe it wasn’t the worst language to learn.

               When she got to her French classroom, it was already pretty full. She found a few vacant seats in the back of the room, which she took. There was still one behind her, so she wasn’t actually all the way in the back. That was something her academic advisor had told her – don’t sit in the back. It was supposed to be a subconscious thing where the closer you sit to the front, the better you do in the class. Catalina didn’t know if that was actually true, but the front seats were all taken and she was used to sitting in the back, so here she was. Second to last row. It was a start.

               Catalina pulled out her notebook, a pen, and her phone. She had a text from her mom.

 Mom: Are you settled down okay at the apartment? How is campus? Did you make it to class okay this morning?

Cat: The apartment is good. Campus is pretty. I’m in class right now. Everything is going great. I even made a friend.

Mom: a friend?

Cat: yeah, he’s in the dance program too. We’re taking a hip hop class together.

Mom: This is great news! Is he cute?

               Just then, the professor walked in and introduced herself. Catalina let out the breath she was holding, glad she didn’t have to answer that. That was one of many reasons she was so excited to move across the country. Ever since she came out as bisexual, her mother had been trying her hardest to get Catalina a boyfriend. Sure, Jimin was plenty cute, but that’s not what Catalina was here for. She’d just really rather not talk about her love life, or lack thereof, with her mother.

               The professor mostly just went over introductions and the syllabus, which she passed out copies of to the class. Then she took attendance. A few names in and the door opened. A boy walked in, his eyes wide as he scanned the room for empty seats. He spotted the one behind Catalina and sped towards it. The professor eyed him.

               “I guess you came just in time, since I just started attendance. I do not take absences lightly in this class young man,” she said.

               “Sorry,” he mumbled. The professor grumbled and handed another syllabus to the person in the front row before continuing with roll call. When Catalina handed the packet back to him, she caught a glimpse of the new guy. He looked only half awake, his hair a mess, bags under his eyes and rumpled sweats. He didn’t have a backpack, only a notebook. Catalina winced in sympathy. He was going to have a hard time in this class. He reminded Catalina of herself in high school. She was a new woman now though. Things were going to be different in college.

               “Catalina Cruz” was called and she raised her hand in acknowledgement. The guy behind her answered to “Jeon Jungkook”. After class, Catalina turned around in her seat and smiled at Jungkook, who still looked frazzled.

               “First impressions are important,” she said.

               “Ugh, I know,” he moaned, sliding down in his seat. “I slept in…”

               “Yeah, she probably hates you,” said Catalina. “You’re doomed.”

               Jungkook covered his face. “Don’t say that!”

               Catalina laughed and said, “Dude, I’m kidding. You’ll be fine.”

               Jungkook let his hands fall. “I just think it’s stupid that I need a language class for my major.”

               “Everyone needs a language class. What are you majoring in?” asked Catalina.

               “Film. What about you?” he asked.

               “Dance,” she said. The two of them got up and made their way out of the classroom. “I came on a scholarship too, so I can’t really afford to fail any classes.”

               “Yeah, no scholarship for me, but my parents will have my head if I fail anything,” said Jungkook. “They’re paying out of pocket for me and my brother.”

               Catalina giggled. The two of them walked over to an empty patch of grass under a tree, where they sat. “Do you live on campus?” she asked.

               “Nah, my parent’s house is right around the block, I’m just gonna live with them until I graduate,” said Jungkook.

               Catalina hummed and nodded. “You’re lucky. I have an apartment that’s going to drain me. I can’t even afford furniture,” said Catalina. “Actually, I should probably try to find a job…”

               “Oh! My aunt owns a tourist shop up in the mountains and she needs weekend employees for tourist season,” said Jungkook.

               “Tourist season? Summer is almost over,” said Catalina.

               “There’s a big ski resort up there. It gets pretty busy once the snow comes,” said Jungkook. “You should take the job with me! It’ll be so fun, we can explore the mountains.”

               “Ehh, I don’t know how much mountain climbing I’ll be doing, but the job is kind of perfect,” said Catalina. “How far away is it? I don’t have a car.”

               “I mean, I have a car, but there’s also a hiking trail that gets you there, which I’ll probably be doing, cause’ it’s more fun,” he said. “It’s not that far, like, a few miles?”

               “A few miles? That’s far! That’s a long walk!” said Catalina.

               “Oh, come on! I backpacked for five days once, that’s about fifty miles. And I’ve heard stories about people who backpack for weeks,” said Jungkook.

               “Okay well, you may be super fit and sporty, but I’m not-“

               “What were you majoring in again? Dance?”

               Catalina shoved him. He fell over, laughing hard. Catalina scrunched her nose to contain her laughter. “Oh shut up! Okay, I get it. Hiking might be fun, but not every time,” she said.

               “No, I’ll totally drive us to work every now and then,” he said. “I’ll call my aunt tonight about the job. Here, give me your number so I can tell you what she says.”

               Catalina typed her number into Jungkook’s phone and then handed it back.

               “Anyway, I’d better get going. I don’t want to be late for another class,” said Jungkook. “I’ll text you.”

               He got up and walked away, waving. Catalina waved back. Two new friends. And they were both so much nicer and more genuine than her friends back in Michigan.

[komkommertijd]

F1 2020 Grid as German rap songs

Since the 2020 season has come to an end, I thought it might be a good idea to finally share this thing that I’ve been working on since June. I have no idea as to why or how I had this idea, but I’m sure I’m not the first one to do this, anyway. I’m sorry to all my fellow Germans in advance <3

Disclaimer: I translated all of the lyrics myself so some things might not be completely accurate, for which I can only apologize. I do not agree with the way some rappers portray women, so I made sure to steer clear from those lyrics.

(post under the cut because it got kinda very long whoops)

Lewis - Vintage (RIN)

Oh Lord, wo soll das Ganze enden? Fahr' so schnell, ich wechsel' jede Woche Bremsen

[Oh Lord, where is this supposed to end? Driving so fast, I’m changing brakes every week]

It’s a song about being a champion, living a luxury life, nice clothes, and well...driving fast cars. Any more questions? Rin is one of my favorite German rap artists, so I just had to include his songs, and this one makes you feel like a real badass, just like our king Lewis 😌

Valtteri - In meinem Benz (AK Ausserkontrolle, Bonez MC)

Du siehst mich im Benz sitzen, so wie Lewis Hamilton

[You see me sitting in a Benz, just like Lewis Hamilton]

It’s kind of obvious why I chose that song, right? Other than that specific line there are some more parts about how much the rapper apparently loves his Mercedes and this song just screamed Valtteri to me.

Charles - NENENE (Fero47)

Sitze bald in roten Ferrari Geben Gas in der Hood Ruf' ich danach, "C'est la vie!"

[I’ll soon sit in a red Ferrari Rev up in my hood Shouting “C’est la vie!” afterward]

Ignoring the entire part about Monte Carlo and all the French words, this specific part just always reminds me of Charles when I listen to the song. More badass vibes but less seriously so because I can’t take Fero’s voice that serious at all, which fits Charles.

Sebastian - Ferrari (Eno, MERO)

Roter Ferrari Ich gebe Gas in einem Ferrari Roter Ferrari Yeah, ich sitze tief in einem Ferrari

[Red Ferrari I rev up in a red Ferrari Red Ferrari Yeah, I’m sitting deep inside a Ferrari]

There’s a part about “rolling with [a] bro in a white Mercedes” and my brain said Sewis rights. Other than that, this is once again a rather obvious choice, if not all that up to date anymore. Some lines about racing on the German highway, so of course I had to go for Sebastian with this one.

Max - Fame (Apache207)

Die Rapszene ist nur ein Affenzirkus In dem kleine Kinder gern mit Waffen hantieren Ich steh', wo ich steh', weil ich bin, wer ich bin Und nicht weil hier irgendjemand Apache platziert

[The rap scene is a madhouse Where little kids like to make use of guns I stand where I stand because I am who I am And not because someone places Apache]

This simply gives me Max vibes, I don’t have much more to say as an explanation. It just feels right, with criticism towards mentally “weaker” individuals and the confidence in making a name for oneself based on own achievements and hard work. Also, Apache has become a rather popular musician in the past year(s) (especially to obnoxious 5th graders, all tea no shade), which is just...Max, I won’t elaborate.

Alex - HONDA (Ansu)

Hold on, kommt was Schnell – Konter Dreamer, besonders – Willy Wonka Auto – Honda

[Hold on, there’s something coming Fast - Counterattack Dreamer, special - Willy Wonka Car - Honda]

I mean, it’s a song about a Honda driver? I struggled quite a bit with finding a song for Alex, but when I first listened to this song, my mind threw his name at me in blinking neon letters, so this is the vibe we’re going with - a funky fast Honda driver <3 (PS: I have no clue what the Willy Wonka thing is about but....why not)

Carlos - Habibi (Casar)

Sie schreibt: "Habibi", denn sie vermisst mich Ich fahre weit davon mit mein'n Hermanos

[She texts me “Habibi” because she misses me I drive far away with my hermanos]

I can only listen to the word “hermanos” so many times without my mind associating it with Carlos, so this one was a rather obvious choice for me as well. Also, there are some parts about Spain in this song so I had to be lame and do the obvious with this one.

Lando - 500 PS (Bonez MC, RAF Camora)

Ich drück' aufs Gas, hör' die 500 PS Fahren durch die Stadt, GTA Los Angeles

[I step on the gas, hear the 500 HP Cruising through the city, GTA Los Angeles]

This one’s a solid mainstream German rap song (not that I’d call Lando a mainstream person), liked to some extent by most people, and it gets you moving, which reminds me a lot of Lando. Cars and mentions of a video game make for a hit and Lando unites just that in person as well.

Daniel - Emotions 2.0 (Ufo361, Céline)

Baby, nimm einen Schluck Dom P. für die Emotions Ich erhöhe deine Dosis So viel Schmuck Mehr Drip als ein Ocean

[Baby take a sip Dom P for the emotions I’m increasing your dosage So much jewelry More drip than an ocean]

A bittersweet love song with rich boy summer vibes and one of my favorite German songs to be released this year, in fact, it’s my most listened to song on my phone, make for a combination that just screams Daniel to me. This song hits different when driving into the sunset in a fancy car or when biking through town at 1:30 am on three cans of Red Bull (believe me, I tried), and always reminds me of better times. It’s the ideal song to sing and rap along to, so that matches Daniel just fine.

Esteban - Einsneunzig (Brown-Eyes White Boy)

Bin fast einsneunzig, stell' mich auf die Bündel, das' ein Weltrekord Lass' die Zeit Revue passier'n, selbe Jungs und selber Ort

[I’m almost 1.90, stand on a wad of cash, that’s a world record Let’s recall the past, same guys and same place]

1.90 meters as a reference to Esteban’s height, obviously, simply made sense to me, once again. The second line reminds me of his feud with Pierre, so I had to choose this song. It’s better than Ratten im Hof (rats in the yard), and this reminds me of a wannabe gangster, which just screams Esteban to me, I’m sorry <3

Pierre - DAS RENNEN (RIN)

Ich hoff', eines Tages, wir gewinn'n das Rennen Wie bei Red Dead Redemption Irgendwann der Letzte wie Shanks Spinner Rims glänzen

[I hope one day we win the race Just like in Red Dead Redemption One day the last like Shanks Spinner rims are shining]

I know no one will believe this story but I started working on this post like half a year ago and I chose that song for Pierre back then and uhm, manifestation worked, I guess? Once again, I’m a big fan of Rin’s music, so choosing this song for Pierre is a bit like selfcare. The lyrics mention changing the world and well, so far Pierre has as least changed my world 😌

Daniil - One Night Stand (Capital Bra)

Ty moja ljubimaja Takaja diwnaja, krasiwaja-ja Sprawjedliwaja, njepobjedimaja Ty moja-ja, Baby, ty moja-ja

[You are my darling Such a wondeful, beauty Fair, invincible You’re mine baby, you’re mine]

I really hope I got that translation more or less right but other than that, I didn’t simply choose that song based on the Russian part. It’s a song we used to listen to a lot a few years ago and one of those from the days where Capital Bra was famous but less so than he is today. It reminds me of simpler times and it’s a pretty vibey song that, if you allow it to, draws you in and makes you dance. I have a soft spot for Daniil and the song reminds me a bit of him.

Lance - Bronx (Veysel)

Du musst doppelt zahlen, deshalb krieg' ich es umsonst Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, eine Villa irgendwo Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, ein paar Villen irgendwo

[You have to pay double that’s why I get it for free Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, a mansion somewhere Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, a few mansions somewhere]

This is a song that you have to listen to on high volume in a fast car, one that once again has really badass vibes. It’s nice to rap along to and hard not to move to. The rich boy vibes in the chorus that I’ve included in this post are pretty inevitable and logically, I had to associate that with Lance. When I turn this song on, everyone enjoys it, and I think Lance deserves to evoke that emotion in everyone as well.

Sergio - AVENTADOR (Dardan, Eno, Noah)

Roll' im Aventador Ich fahr' grad vor Gebe Gas, sag': "¡Adiós!"

[Roll in an Aventador I hit the road Step on the gas, say “¡Adiós!”]

I mean yeah, I could have chosen that song only because of the Adiós but that’s a bit lame even for me. Instead, the entire fast car vibe reminded me a lot of Checo. I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for him and this year he once again showed people ([coughs] my brother) that he’s been severely underestimated. So stepping on the gas and outpacing everyone else felt like the right vibe.

Kimi - Sorry Not Sorry (Monet192, Takt32, badmómzjay)

Was du für Karriere machst, mach' ich als Hobby Was du für Probleme hast, interessiert keinen

[What you made your career, I do as a hobby What problems you have, no one cares]

The title itself embodies Kimi and so does the entire song. The not giving a shit vibe, paired with the mention of the hobby thing as an indirect reference to the famous Kimi quote about seeing his job more as a hobby, are just 100% Kimi. I really couldn’t have found a better song for him. 

Antonio - Maserati (RAF Camora)

Capo dei capi Trip noch im Alfa, doch bald Maserati

[Capo dei capi Trip still in an Alfa but soon in a Maserati]

I did very much not choose the song because “capo dei capi” (the boss of bosses) is a mafia related thing, but because of the Alfa part, duh. Roadtrips in an Alfa along the Adriatic coast are cool and all but a Maserati is obviously the main goal, and that reminds me of Antonio quite a lot ~for some reason~. The entire part about making it far in life without a “serious” job is just very F1, so the vibes are there. Happy very belated birthday Toni <3

Romain - HOCH (CRO)

Alles holt dich down, lass es einfach los Und die Dinge unter dir sind gar nicht mehr so groß Ich schau' nach oben und auf einmal geht's hoch

[Everything drags you down, just let it go And the things below you are not as big anymore I look up and suddenly it goes upwards]

This song is just very peaceful and calms my mind when I listen to it, which radiates the same comforting vibe as Romain. The topic of rising despite things dragging you down are a very prominent topic here and reminded me a lot of him, especially with him leaving Haas and everything around that. It just feels nice to listen to a bit of an uplifting song once in a while, and this one does it in a way that still allows you to feel calm and safe, which is something I associate with Romain a lot.

Kevin - Vorbei (Nico Rosseburg, Sierra Kidd)

Sag mir bitte, wie passe ich die Zeit? Der Augenblick war schön, doch es ist vorbei

[Please tell me, how do I pass the time? The moment was nice but now it’s over]

With Kevin leaving F1, I had to go for this song for him. It’s a bit more of a sad topic (so am I with the knowledge of him not being there next year) but without making the entire thing sound melancholic. I only really learned to appreciate Kevin this year and I’ll miss having him around, so this song kind of fits that idea for me.

George - 20 Zoll MAE (Celo&Abdi, Bonez MC)

Ich fahr' mit Schrittgeschwindigkeit, so wie ein Don Hättest gerne meine Felgen, aber wirst sie nicht bekommen

[I drive at walking pace like a Don You’d like to have my rims but won’t get them]

Making this solely about driving at walking pace would be a bit mean but there’s a part in the song soon after about looking beautiful in a Mercedes, so that’s pretty much George. The song just carries that fun vibe and the subtle (not really) flex, which makes it great to listen to if you want to get in a happier mood. It’s a song about Mercedes rims, of course I had to choose George 😔

Nicholas - Standard (KitschKrieg, SFR, Trettmann, Gzuz, Gringo, Ufo361)

Treff' mich in Miami, fliege nur noch First-Class Nur noch unterwegs, kriege Heimweh

[Meet me in Miami, only flying first class anymore Only on the road anymore, getting homesick]

More ~rich boy vibes~ and a song that has been playing what feels like 24/7 on MTV Germany the last two years. It got so bad that some people around me still reply in the trademark Gzuz voice when someone uses the word “standard”. Anyway, I associate this song with Nicholas because just like KitschKrieg did with their first “own” song, Nicholas has joined the game and left an impression on everyone, in one way or another, and I’m willing to see/hear more of that :)

[allsassnoclass]

find me here amidst the chaos

Pairing: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin

Rating: Teen and Up

Key Tag(s): depression, hurt/comfort, references to suicidal thoughts, based on Orpheus by Sara Bareilles

Word Count: 1861

Read on AO3

—

“I know that you don’t want to talk to me about this stuff all the time, and that’s fine.  Your therapist is infinitely more qualified than me, anyway, but you don’t have to try to hide it from me, either.  If the bottom has dropped out from under you, you can still lean on me.  I’m here to love you.  I want to love you.”

—

After dinner, when Calum has taken the dishes from Ashton’s hands to dry them and Ashton himself has retreated to the bedroom, Calum turns on the fireplace and makes sure there are blankets within easy reach.  He lit a candle earlier in the afternoon, the living room now filled with the faint scent of vanilla, lights on the dimmer side but a gentle yellow, and if it turns out that Ashton doesn’t want to talk to him he can put on some music, oldies and classics to try and settle his mind for tonight.

He knocks gently on the bedroom door before opening it.  Ashton is lying on top of the covers scrolling through his phone, blue light in front of his face the only thing illuminating the room now that the sun has gone down.  It highlights the dark circles under his eyes, brought about not by a lack of sleep but by a lack of rest.  Helping with that is Calum’s main goal of the night.  

“Hey,” Calum says.  “Do you want to come out to the living room with me?”

Ashton glances up.  Calum can see the mental debate he’s having, weighing if he has enough energy to do this one thing to appease him.

“Come on,” he says, extending his hand.  “Leave everything else in here and just sit with me.  I turned the fireplace on.” He takes a few steps into the room and Ashton sighs, setting his phone down and taking Calum’s hand.  It’s cold and a little clammy.

Calum wants to bundle him up and keep him safe, take away all of what’s weighing on him and ensure everlasting comfort and happiness.  He knows that he can’t do that, but he has a fireplace and a blanket and a scented candle, and hopefully that will be enough for now.

He knows what’s happening.  Ashton has been doing so good for a while, but depression doesn’t automatically go away forever, and it seems to have reared its ugly head in a very big, very consuming way.  Calum has watched Ashton retreat more and more into himself, a protective measure that they still haven’t moved past, but he recognizes the other signs, too.  He doesn’t have the motivation to do what he enjoys right now, and whenever Calum has managed to catch him in a rare moment of happiness his smiles fade quicker, the ephemeral feeling disappearing faster than it should.

Getting him out of their dark bedroom and into the cozy living room is a good baby step.

Ashton curls up next to him the moment they sit down, pillowing his head on Calum’s thigh.  Calum takes the quilt from the back of the couch and drapes it over him then runs his fingers through Ashton’s hair, careful not to get caught on any snares.  It’s soft and curly from his shower before dinner, part of Ashton’s routine to take care of himself.  When he’s feeling bad mentally, he focuses a lot more on what he can do physically.  It’s one way Calum knows that he’s still fighting, even if little things like a shower or brushing his teeth exhaust him easily.

He scratches over his scalp and Ashton sighs, sinking a little further into the cushions and releasing some of the tension that has built in his shoulders.  His skin has a bit more color in it here with the warm light, but he’s still a little wane, the slightest outside indicator of how he’s been feeling inside.

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Calum says softly, “but I know you’re in a rough patch right now, and I know this one has been longer and worse than the other recent ones.”

Ashton buries his face in Calum’s thigh more.  He lets him hide, brushing through his hair again.

“You know I love you.”

It’s not a question.  Ashton nods anyway.

“I know that you don’t want to talk to me about this stuff all the time, and that’s fine.  Your therapist is infinitely more qualified than me, anyway, but you don’t have to try to hide it from me, either.  If the bottom has dropped out from under you, you can still lean on me.  I’m here to love you.  I want to love you.”

“I know,” Ashton says.  “I don’t want to put that on you.  The world is shitty enough without you having to deal with my shit, too.”

“If sharing that with me makes your world a little less shitty, then I want you to.”

Ashton sighs again.  The fireplace crackles.

“I miss when I didn’t hate it here,” Ashton says quietly.  “I miss being five years old and not realizing how awful and unfair everything is.  My mom used to turn everything into an adventure for us, but looking back there were so many times when we struggled without me realizing.  She didn’t do anything wrong but still got dealt a bad fucking hand, and there are millions of people like her out there, and once you learn that you can’t go back.”

Calum hums.  It’s a conversation that they’ve had many times.  Calum has lived through his own share of hardships, but Ashton’s have lingered much longer, settling deep into his bones and completely shifting how he sees the world.

“There are still good things,” Calum says.  “There are a lot of good people out there trying to make the world better, and even when you get an unfair and shitty hand, there’s still people to hold on to.  Your mom was able to shield you from this as long as she did because she loves you.  When everything is falling apart around you, find something in the chaos to hold on to.”

“I do,” Ashton says.  He swallows.  “I don’t know why I’m here anymore.  I don’t really see the point of it.  But whenever I start really thinking about… ending it, I guess, I think about that night at Joshua Tree when we stayed up all night stargazing and being with each other.  I want to feel like that again.  I keep telling myself I will, even if I don’t… even if it doesn’t feel like it.”

Calum reaches down and squeezes one of his hands.  Ashton grips back just as tight.

“Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

“I said a lot of things.”

“You said that we were written in the stars, the two of us, together.”

Ashton hums.

“A lot of constellations end in tragedy.”

“Not us,” Calum says.  “We’ll be okay.”

“How do you know?  How can you say things like that when there’s never a guarantee?”

“I have faith in us.  You are one of the best pieces of my world, and that’s enough for me to know we’ll be just fine.  I’m going to keep convincing you of that for as long as you let me.”

Ashton adjusts his grip on Calum’s hand, clutching it against his chest.

“I don’t want you to stop,” Ashton says.  “I know I get distant when I’m like this, but you help, and I like your faith in us.  I need it.  I’m not optimistic like you, not really.”

“I know, love.  We balance each other out.”

Ashton snorts.

“You mean I weigh you down.”

“Hey, no.  Not at all.  You make me happy.  This is a two-way street, Ash.  No one lifts me up more than you.”

Ashton sighs, and Calum knows that he doesn’t believe it, but he also knows that he’s not going to convince him tonight, not when he’s feeling this low.  If he presses, Ashton is going to retreat into himself, feeling guilty that he can’t give Calum the answers he wants.

“Will you make me a promise?” Calum asks.  Ashton wavers.

“What is it?”

“Will you hang on for another week?”

Ashton adjusts his grip on Calum’s hand again.  The fire crackles.

“Yeah.  I can do that.”

“Good.”

Calum runs another gentle hand through Ashton’s hair.

“What happens after a week?” he asks.

“I’ll ask you for another one, and I’ll keep asking until you don’t need me to anymore.”

Ashton nods.

“Do you remember what I promised you back when you first learned about my depression?” he asks.  Calum tries to think back, but mostly he remembers thinking how unfair it is that someone who made so many people happy could be so unhappy himself.  It’s been years, but he can perfectly recall the way his heart stopped when he first saw the scars.  The exact words exchanged are muddy.

“You promised to always love me if I promised to not give up on that love.”

That’s a risky promise for a sixteen-year-old to make.  Calum is glad that he didn’t break it, but even back then he must have known that Ashton was the one for him.

“I’ll always love you,” Calum says.

“Then I won’t give up on love.”

Calum presses his lips together and breathes against the sudden tightness in his chest.

“Can you say it again?”

“We will not give up on love.  Not our love, or the world’s love, or any of it.  We will not give up on love now.”

Ashton’s voice is steady, and Calum knows that he’s promising himself just as much as he’s promising Calum.  He leans down, folding himself in half uncomfortably to place a kiss on Ashton’s temple.  Ashton squeezes his eyes shut and takes a shaky breath.

“We’ll get through this,” Calum says.  “You won’t feel like this forever.  Keep pushing forward, love.”

Ashton nods.

“Can you talk to me?  Just--help me see the world the way you do.  Please.”

Calum would do anything for him, so he begins to speak.  He starts with Joshua Tree, because he knows that it’s easiest for Ashton to love the world when they’re there together, and he keeps describing good things like the feeling of summer rain on their skin or listening to a favorite song for the first time until his voice is getting dry from all of the use and Ashton suggests they go to bed.  He doesn’t stop when Ashton begins crying in the middle, just holds him a little tighter, heart breaking because he knows that these tears aren’t going to be the catharsis Ashton needs.

He has an appointment with his therapist tomorrow, which will hopefully give him a direction to work in.  Calum wishes he could help more, but Ashton has been good for so long that this new low took him by surprise.  He feels rusty, but Ashton has promised not to give up, and that’s enough.  They’ll figure it out.  As long as Ashton keeps reaching for him, he’ll keep being here, giving him whatever he can.  He might not know how to give stitches, but he can keep applying band-aids until the wound scars over.  He has to believe that that’s enough for now.

Once they’re in bed and properly under the covers, Ashton falls asleep first, curled into him.  Calum promises whoever is listening that he’ll keep walking through this darkness with Ashton until they both reach the sunlight again.

[dreamsequencer]

On the Collection of Names

I have loved Criminal Minds for a very long time.

Specifically, I have loved Spencer Reid.

He's not the only thing I like about it. I love mysteries, and serial killers fascinate me, in a morbid sort of way.

Spencer Reid was not like other TV characters. Other TV characters were like other people. Spencer Reid was like me.

When I started watching the show, I didn't really understand. I was 7. Probably too young to be watching Criminal Minds. I didn't know what autism was, or that I had it, or that he probably did too.

All I knew was that he was like me and other TV characters weren't.

At 7 years old, Spencer Reid became a part of who I was. He was the first character I saw on TV who I could truly relate to. I internalized that, and he became a part of me.

I did not know, then, how big a part of me.

I didn't know I was trans. I was 7. Some people know that young. I didn't. I figured it out 6 years later.

I was 13 when I took the name Spencer.

It's the name I go by at school, it's the name I plan to make my own, legally.

I have been Spencer for 5 years.

I am Spencer Matthew, as a matter of fact, because of Daredevil.

Daredevil is my favorite superhero.

Matt Murdock is my favorite lawyer.

Matt Murdock made me realize I want to be a lawyer.

(I want to be a public defender. I feel like I can do some good there.)

The Astonishing came out in 2016.

(If you do the math, you will realize that I came out in 2015. Heh.)

I have loved Dream Theater my whole life. When I was 8 years old, my favorite song was Prophets of War.

When I was 8 years old, I didn't quite realize the significance of that song. Now I do, and I love it even more.

I loved Dream Theater long before I was 8 years old, but until I was 8 years old I never gave much thought to the question of a favorite song.

My favorite song of theirs now is Far From Heaven. And it means a lot to me.

But the song of theirs that means the most to me is As I Am. That's not the same as a favorite, you see. A favorite is about all of it. The music, the lyrics, and the message. This is just about the message.

The message is clear, it is repeated over and over. "Take me as I am."

It is a song about standing up to a world that doesn't want you and saying "fuck you, you're going to take me anyway."

As I Am is a song about being unapologetically yourself. And so in a way it's a song about being queer.

The Astonishing came out in 2016 and I latched onto the main character's brother. The main character's brother who dies.

Sucks for me, I guess.

(It wasn't the first time I latched onto a character who dies, and it wouldn't be the last.)

I latched onto Arhys, and a part of Arhys latched onto me.

I have been Arhys for 4 years.

(I stopped going by the name for a while. Some assholes on the internet convinced me it was cringy. You know what's cringy? Being an asshole on the internet.)

I discovered Ayreon when I was 8. Around the same time that I decided Prophets Of War was my favorite song.

Well, I should say my dad discovered Ayreon. He found out on a Dream Theater forum that James Labrie was the star of an album called The Human Equation, and he bought it.

(My dad buys everything with James Labrie's name on it. In his defense, so do I.)

I was obsessed with it.

It's a comfort album now, because it takes me back to when I was 8 and I couldn't wait to get home from school each day so I could listen to it.

My mom refuses to listen to it now because she heard it so many times back then.

For a long time it was the only Ayreon album I knew.

The Source came out in 2017. It also had James on it, so we bought it. I have a signed copy.

(Not signed by James. Signed by Arjen.)

When The Source came out, I decided to dive headfirst into the world of Ayreon.

Listening to The Final Experiment, I latched onto the main character.

(The main character who dies.)

His name was Ayreon.

A little while later, I decided that my name was Ayreon too.

I have been Ayreon for almost 2 years.

I was 4 years old when I first heard Nightwish. The song was Over the Hills and Far Away.

I was 10 when I learned that the male vocalist who sometimes sang was named Marco.

I was 11 when I learned he was the bassist and that he looked like a Viking, and when I realized just how much I liked his voice. When I decided I wanted to be like him, I wanted to play bass and sing.

(When I was 11 I did not know much about Rush. I did not know about Gaddy Lee who also plays bass and sings.)

I was 12 when I learned that it was also spelled Marko.

I was 14 when I got my bass guitar.

I was 16 when I saw Nightwish in concert. When Tuomas touched my hand, when Emppu gave me a pick, when I got to give a drawing I'd done to Floor.

I was 16 when I stood just a few feet away from them and they really, truly became real to me.

Marko became real to me. And I realized that my far-off goal of being like Marko wasn't so far off or impossible. It hit me in that moment that he was just a person, like me, and I came to admire him even more.

I am 18 and I have decided that I would like to be named Marko. I have decided that I would like to share a name with him because I admire him and because he has inspired me and because he has a lovely voice and because I really love Nightwish.

I have been Marko for less than a week.

(I have been going by Marko for less than a day.)

I am Spencer, and Arhys, and Ayreon, and Marko.

(I am also DJ. That one is a nickname that was given to me by others, not chosen for myself.)

I have 4 names and a nickname. I may end up having more. I may find more musicians I admire or characters who become a part of me, and decide I want to share their name.

A name is something that tells people who you are, and you don't have to be just one thing.

You don't have to be just one thing.

I am Spencer and Arhys and Ayreon and Marko and DJ and I will not trim myself down for anyone.

Take me as I am. All of me.

[legendofzeldaalinktothepast]

Solar Power 

Fandom: She-Ra (2018) 

Ship: Platonic Scorpia and Entrapta, mentions of romantic Scorpia/Perfuma 

Words: 2204 

Rating: G 

The princesses are having a sleepover, and Scorpia is having trouble fitting in; fortunately, Entrapta understands where she’s coming from. 

Scorpia shoved the window open and took in the fresh, summer night air. 'Breathe, girlie. It's gonna be fine.' she reminded herself, counting her breaths and taking comfort in the silence around her. Just taking a moment to herself immediately brought her anxiety down a few notches -- at least enough to think straight again.

'Ugh... I knew this would happen. Why do you always get so nervous around them? It's not like they're gonna bite you!' she thought, rubbing her face with her claws.

She turned towards the bathroom sink and splashed her face with some cold water, finally grounding herself. 'Alright, Scorpia. You can do this! You're supposed to be the tough girl, and you've handled far worse than a slumber party!' Slicking back her hair, she took one last deep breath and unlocked the bathroom door, heading back towards the main living room. 'Just think of it like the bunks at the horde. It's basically that, but with more perfume and less-ugly pajamas!’ 

The sound of chatter and scent of baking cookies filled the hallway. Excitement rose up in Scorpia's chest; while she was never fond of eating sweets (years of consuming those bland horde rations really screwed with her taste buds), the smell of them was definitely pleasant, even nostalgic in a way.

Once Scorpia reached the living room, she bit her lip; now came the struggle of joining the crowd. Again. 'Ugh, no, don't think of it as a crowd! That's exactly what caused my little meltdown in the first place.' she thought, shaking her head. 'I gotta think of it as... Little clusters. Clusters I can handle.'

And she wasn't wrong; while all of the princesses were hanging out in the same general area, they had also formed smaller, more manageable groups... Catra, Adora, and Glimmer were chatting in the kitchen while the cookies baked. Perfuma and Entrapta were playing a game of chess on the floor nearby. Spinnerella, Netossa, and Frosta were standing by the fireplace, while the youngest of the three loudly told a story, which the married couple listened to with amused expressions. Mermista, an outlier, had fallen asleep on the couch.

'Hmm... which cluster to join...' she thought. In all honesty, Mermista's sounded the most appealing, but just flopping down and falling asleep next to her probably wouldn't make a good impression. Even she knew that. 'Maybe I could listen to whatever story Frosta is telling? That'll give me an excuse not to talk, but at least I'd be part of something!' she thought with a grin. With her goal clear in mind, however, she'd completely forgotten about Entrapta and Perfuma playing chess right in front of her, and ended up stepping on their board.

"Oh, uh, hey, girls!" Scorpia greeted, awkwardly waving a claw. "Sorry about that, I'm such a ditz, heh..."

"That's okay, I'm a ditz too!" Entrapta grinned.

"Neither of you are a ditz! Accidents happen." Perfuma smiled warmly, picking up the chess pieces.

Scorpia's heart fluttered. "S-still, I didn't wanna ruin your game! Here, lemme help." She sat down on the floor beside them, helping place the pieces back on the chess board. "Let's see... This one goes here, I think. Queens go next to the horses, right?" Scorpia said, holding the queen and knight piece in each claw.

"I-it's alright, I mostly remembered where my pieces were!" Perfuma reassured, taking the pieces from Scorpia's claws and placing it back on the board.

"Heh, me too!" Entrapta said, eagerly placing her own pieces back on the black and white tiles.

"Mind if I join the game? I've never played this before!" Scorpia said.

"Oh, unfortunately it's only a two player game..." Perfuma smiled sadly. "But once we're done with this round, you can play against Entrapta!"

"Checkmate! Scorpia's turn!" Entrapta grinned, making her knight piece jump over Perfuma's king.

Perfuma narrowed her eyes. "Did you re-arrange the board in your favor? I am almost positive your knight was not that close to my king."

"Maaaaybe." Entrapta folded her hands politely and tilted her head.

Perfuma rolled her eyes. "Well, it's no big deal," she said with a shrug. "After all, winning isn't everything! What matters is we had fun." She rose to her feet, smoothing out her night gown. "Scorpia, you can take my spot now! I think I'll get myself some tea."

"Thanks, flowergirl." Scorpia said with a wink. Perfuma rose to her feet, and Scorpia scooted over to where she'd been sitting. As she set the chess pieces back to their original places (or well... to the best of her ability. She really had no idea how this worked), she found her gaze shifting back and forth towards Perfuma, even long after she'd headed into the kitchen.

Entrapta gave Scorpia a nudge with her pigtail, causing her to jump. "Do you want me to tell you the rules?" she asked.

"Oh, uh... Nope, I'm good." she said, too ashamed to admit she had no idea how to play chess.

Entrapta cackled. "That's good, because I didn't want to! Chess is soo boring, but Perfuma really wanted to play it, and it only felt fair since she's been listening to me tell her about my newest robot all night -- her name is Sandra, you should meet her! But anyway, let's play something else!"

Scorpia didn't respond; her gaze was still cast towards the kitchen, and anxiety still lingered in her chest. It took her a moment to even process Entrapta's suggestion. "Oh! Uh, sure! What kind of game?"

Entrapta cupped Scorpia's face. "First, let's play a game called 'Tell Entrapta Why The Heck You're So Nervous Right Now'."

Scorpia burst into laughter; for the first time that night, she'd begun to loosen up a bit. "Oh, I dunno, just... I guess just. I've never been really good at these kinds of things, ya know?"

"Oh, I totally know!" Entrapta nodded. "Like, the whole... People thing. Especially when it's other princesses." She blushed a little.

Scorpia smiled. "Yeah... I'm glad at least someone does." she sighed. "I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun, and I'm glad I was invited! But... When everyone seems to fall into their little groups, and it gets loud and overwhelming... I dunno, I just feel so wrong, like I shouldn't be here."

"Ohh..." Entrapta said, tapping her chin. "Hey, you wanna go outside?"

"Uh, sure! What are we gonna do?" Scorpia asked, confused by the sudden shift in topic.

"Follow me." Entrapta said, and before Scorpia could question any further, she lifted herself up by her pigtails and scurried towards the door. Scorpia hauled herself up to her feet, glancing back one last time -- Perfuma had permanently joined the kitchen cluster, and Spinerella glanced Scorpia's way for a mere split second before turning back to Frosta -- and then continued out the door.

For a moment, she'd wondered if Entrapta had just up and vanished -- but soon enough she spotted her, sitting on the branch of a nearby tree. How she'd gotten up there so quickly was beyond Scorpia. She approached her with an amused expression on her face. "Whoa... You sure know how to climb."

Entrapta giggled. "Yeah, come on up! It's nice up here!"

"Ah, but... I'm a little heavier than you are, are you sure it's safe?" she asked; even with a body as tiny as Entrapta's, the branch seemed to be bending ever so slightly beneath her weight.

"Well... I could take some of the tools out of my pockets!" Entrapta said. At first, Scorpia thought the idea was absurd... but then she began pulling wrenches out of her pockets, one by one, and for a moment Scorpia thought it would go on forever... But soon enough, there was a pile of wrenches and various tools on the ground that probably weighed even more than Scorpia. How Entrapta had managed to fit all of those in her pockets was beyond her.

"There we go! Now it should be safe for you to join." Entrapta smiled.

"Heh, I guess I can't say no, now." With a grunt, she lifted herself up onto the branch of the tree, seating herself beside Entrapta. It took herself a moment to balance properly -- what she had in strength, she lacked in grace... But at least it wasn't too high, so if she fell, she'd get a couple bruises if she was unlucky.

"You ever hear of solar powered technology?" Entrapta asked, tilting her head.

"Yeah! That's stuff powered by the sun, right?" Scorpia said.

"Correct!" Entrapta said. "Like, one time I made a solar powered robot, and when I forgot to charge her battery, she had a lot of trouble functioning at night, or on super cloudy days... But when I do remember to let her charge in the mornings, she's able to do the most amazing things!" Entrapta flapped her hands. "Her name's Sandra!"

"Oh right, you mentioned her earlier!" Scorpia said, though she wasn't quite sure where Entrapta was going with this.

"Yeah! I think you'd love to meet her." Entrapta said. "Anyway, there was a reason I brought this up... Oh, right! Well, sometimes I'm kinda like Sandra. If I don't take some time to charge myself up -- in this case, just sitting somewhere quiet, maybe even twirling a wrench around -- and I go into a place with lots of people and noise, I kinda just break down, like Sandra! So that's why I always make sure to find some kinda quiet place when I go to sleepovers. Usually I just climb around in the vents, but I had a feeling that wouldn't be your thing, so that's why we're outside!"

"Oh, I know what you mean" Scorpia brightened up. "That's really nice of you. I tried doing a little recharging in the bathroom, but... Then I started worrying people would think I was sick, so I headed out before I was actually... You know, ready." She sighed, leaning her head against the trunk of the tree. "Like, I really do love being with the girls, but... They're so hard to connect with sometimes, and it gets noisy with all the talking and music and smells of perfume and food... None of which are bad, by the way! It's just... too much at once. Especially when Perfuma's around, I mean..." Scorpia blushed, not sure if she wanted to elaborate.

Entrapta scooted a little closer to Scorpia. "No wonder you looked like you weren't having fun. You weren't ready to come hang out with people. And what's Perfuma have to do with it?"

Scorpia blushed. "Ugh, she's just... Really pretty, you know? And I'm not really sure where we stand..."

"Is Perfuma your girlfriend?" Entrapta asked.

"Mmmmmaybe." Scorpia turned her head to the side. "Kind of? I don't know. Ugh, but she's so outgoing and extroverted and good with people, and I kinda worry that I'm getting ahead of myself and that I'll look like an idiot if I assume she is, and it turns out she doesn't feel the same..."

"You'll probably look like an idiot either way." Entrapta shrugged. "But if you are dating, and you assume you're not, that'll probably hurt her feelings. So it’s better to assume that you are. I mean, I'd be flattered if you assumed you were my girlfriend, even if I see our relationship as more platonic."

Scorpia chuckled. "Guess you're right about that." she said with a sigh. "You're a really good friend, you know?"

Entrapta blushed. "Thanks... I've been trying really hard lately, and well... Sometimes people still think I'm a bad friend."

"Hey, I think they just don't really get you." Scorpia shrugged. "But I do, because I'm the same way."

Entrapta flapped her hands. "Yes! That's very true! Our brains were wired in similar ways, so it only makes sense that you'd get me!" she said. "But you know what? That doesn't mean the other princesses won't like you! And that doesn't mean Perfuma doesn't, either. Like, it was really hard for me to get along with Perfuma too, but now I play chess with her, and she asks me questions about robots!"

"Yeah, I guess that's true." Scorpia smiled. "Thanks for letting me talk this out with you, girlie. I'm feeling a lot better, now..."

Just then, the door behind them swung open. "Hey, dweebs!" Frosta called from the castle, cupping her hands around her mouth. "Karaoke starts in five minutes, so ya better get your butts in here if you wanna sing!"

Scorpia brightened up immediately. "I'll be right there!" she called. "You coming, Entrapta?"

"Mm, need a few more minutes to recharge..." Entrapta said, kicking her legs. "But you can go in without me! I'll probably be able to listen from out here, anyway."

"Hah, that's true! Especially when I'm the one singing." Scorpia climbed back down from the tree and landed on her toes. "See ya in a bit!"

"See ya!"

Once Scorpia was back inside the castle, Entrapta turned her gaze back up towards the full moon. "Hmm... I wonder if I could make a solar and lunar powered robot..." she mused to nobody in particular, reaching down with her pigtail arm and retrieving one of her wrenches from the grass.