#aromantics can prefer romance in media to friendship. by the way.

[thetisming]

me, aromantic, loving shipping and romance in media, and me, alloplatonic, wanting positive friendships in media, have come to the conclusion that i will only ship canon things except for some things that pass the test of 'yeah they're gay actually'. sorry

[starblaster]

Hello! I’m not too caught up on murderbot, a series I haven’t gotten into yet.

Could I have some context on the book compared to the fanbase? Thank you, I love your posts :]

all you really need to know is that there are pockets/circles of people in the fandom who have terminal fandom brainrot which causes them to justify the erasure of character traits, particularly in murderbot and perihelion, for the sake of writing fanfiction and creating other highly out-of-character fan content.

full disclosure, i myself am an autistic survivor of sexual, physical, and emotional trauma. so, yes, this is highly personal and i take it very personally.

and i also want to note that murderbot, in-text, is never explicitly stated to be the labels "asexual" or "aromantic" or "aplatonic" (nor "agender" either, and you could make the case that murderbot's identity is undeclared (1) (2) — another identity that receives hardly any representation, fiction or otherwise) but there is a lot of textual evidence that murderbot is viscerally sex and romance repulsed, as well as touch-averse and averse to most platonic affection, including the words like "relationship" and "friend" or "friendship", using the term "friend" incredibly sparingly, like i do as a post-trauma aplatonic person. we know these things as facts, presented in the text. so it is especially bizarre that people would insist that, for example, "actually since murderbot is asexual i as an arospec asexual get to decide that murderbot is actually sex-favorable and romance-favorable and i'm going to interpret its touch-aversion as a flaw and i'm going to write a fic where gurathin (of all people) fixes that." as if that isn't horrifying, and honestly indicative of a person's lack of understanding of other peoples' boundaries.

being sex-repulsed is not a flaw that needs to be fixed. being romance-repulsed is not a flaw that needs to be fixed. being touch-averse is not a flaw that needs to be fixed. being aplatonic is not a flaw that needs to be fixed. the murderbot diaries books have never implied that these things are 'flaws' in murderbot that 'need to be fixed' and, yet, time and time again you'll see fanfiction penned by murderbot fans in which they explicitly frame it this way, and they justify doing so by saying (among other things) that they are 'projecting' onto murderbot, that they themselves are aroace and they're fine with romance so they'll 'let murderbot have romantic interactions' with another character despite how utterly distressed it would be, and how much of a literal assault that would be to canon murderbot.

and gee, it's almost like murderbot shares a lot of traits with trauma survivors (you know, because it is one), like how survivors of sexual assault can be sex-repulsed and romance-repulsed... like, wow, it's almost as if its preferences are not simply because it is aroace or simply because it's autism-coded but because it is a fucking trauma survivor! like it's all of these things! picking and choosing which of these things to 'read' for ignores whole chunks of murderbot's character. remember what it told us in all systems red? "It’s wrong to think of a construct as half bot, half human. It makes it sound like the halves are discrete, like the bot half should want to obey orders and do its job and the human half should want to protect itself and get the hell out of here. As opposed to the reality, which was that I was one whole confused entity"?

you cannot just say "fuck you" to canon all the time no matter what. it's an irresponsible way to examine a piece of media. the way this kind of attitude is fostered in fandom spaces is disturbing to me, primarily because it is downright disrespectful to the source material and what it represents.

i am issuing a content warning for commentary regarding sexual assault below the cut, it is pertinent to my comment above about murderbot and canon and sexual assault survival, but also contains the rest of my answer to this ask:

it would not be a stretch to think it might be possible that murderbot itself has endured sexual harassment or assault from humans. its internal commentary about sexbots, the purpose of sexbots/comfortunits, and talking about their functions in opposition to itself, combined with other comments about being asked to do things that do not meet its designation as a secunit (such as tidying/cleaning up after humans).

i will accept that this is conjecture and based on nothing entirely concrete, but i am interpreting this as a possibility from my own experiences as a sexual assault survivor (and speaking from the perspective of a sex worker who has encountered and been on the receiving end of this specific type of anger and frustration murderbot has for sexbots early on); the way that it comments aggressively about things related to sex and comfortunits imply how adamant it is for people to understand that it is not a comfortunit, it is not a sexbot, it is repulsed and triggered by sex, it is repulsed and triggered by romance. much like other references to its traumas, it does the survivor-typical thing and avoids mentioning names, avoids topics, avoids its triggers as much as it can, and insists upon its preferences repeatedly. it's not hiding these facts about itself away.

so when people overlook this, that fandom behavior comes off as negligent. it tells me that people have not been reading the source material very closely at all. it tells me that people are only willing to relate to murderbot insofar as they themselves can personally know what it has experienced.

except not everything you fucking read has to be about you. "relatability" does not a good protagonist make. unfortunately, that's just about all that people with fandom brainrot give a shit about. unless, god forbid, a trauma survivor reading these books also shares murderbot's strong repulsions to sex and romance and feels defensive. in which case the fandom-brain idiots go "well we all interpret murderbot in our own special ways".

it stops being interpretation when you're just erasing the character. i just wish people would accept that.

[pistachorlito]

ARO FOLKS I NEED YOUR WISDOM

Could it be that I'm aro?

I visited this site cause I realized (3 months in my first serious relationship. I'm 20yo btw) that being in a relationship makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I thought I could have commitment issues (and I'm going to start going to therapy this monday, can I hear a wahoo?) but suddenly I thought that maybe I'm aromantic.

Here are my responses to every item of the list that site has of common experiences of aro people.

Imagining your future

Marriage/a long term romantic relationship feels more like an obligation rather than something you want and are excited for. ✅

Feeling like your ideal future involves living with friends (or alone) with no romantic partner in sight. ✅ (Imagining myself married feels so off lmao)

You imagine what it would be like to have someone be in love with you, but never what it would be like for you to feel that way for that person.✅ (I thought this one was a maybe but yeah, i did that lmao)

Your “fantasies” of future romantic relationships, if you have them, aren’t really fleshed out or detailed at all.✅

You assume you will be in a romantic relationship someday but aren’t excited for it.✅

If you imagine a future partner, you struggle to picture details about them.✅

Friends with benefits seems like the ideal relationship to you.❔(maybe? Idk because since i'm demisexual... but I've definitely fantasized about being fwb with my actual partner)

Media

You hated romantic subplots in children cartoons/stories.❔(not hated them, just didn't care about it)

You loved friendship arcs in children cartoons/stories.✅

You’re favorite characters growing up never had romance as a major aspect of their character.✅

You love reading romantic stories/fan-fiction, but have no interest in actively pursuing one yourself.✅

You’re generally disinterested in romance stories. ❔(Idk because I like them but I definitely prefer erotic stories)

You assumed that crushes and romantic drama were made up for soap operas and romcoms. ✅ (until I saw real relationships full of drama and I thought they were being stupid but turns out it DOES happen irl lmao)

Being in romantic relationships

You’ve been in romantic relationships, but you’ve always felt like you were acting or playing a role in them.✅ (I agreed to a relationship with my prev ”boyfriend” out of spite lmao)

You’ve felt uncomfortable and suffocated in romantic relationships even though those relationships were seemingly healthy and happy. ✅ (He's just like me fr)

You accidentally said yes to a date because you thought your friend was asking to hang out.❌ (Not really because since people seem to think I'm flirting when I'm just being nice, I started thinking that people being nice to me were hitting on me too so I avoided them LMAOO)

Understanding others crushes and romance

You’ve looked up what a crush is supposed to feel like.✅ (So confused about what I'm feeling lmao)

Once you learnt about asexuals who are romantic you got super confused thinking “isn’t romance just friendship + sex?”.✅

Once you learn about polyamory you got confused because you thought romance was defined by some sort of exclusivity.✅

Romantic relationships seem constructed of arbitrary rules you could never understand.✅

You’ve never understood the difference between a best friend and a romantic partner.✅

Celebrity crushes make no sense to you.✅ (But that could be my demisexual side speaking lmao)

When you realized people actually want to act on their crushes you were shocked.✅ (YES-- I wasn't going to tell my partner I liked him, I just didn't want to regret doing nothing but now I regret doing it LMAO)

Whenever people described a crush it sounded like discomfort or a panic attack to you.✅

You never understood people being sad about unrequited feelings. After all, couldn’t they just flip their crush feelings off? ❌(No, what I don't understand is people that NEED to be in relationships)

You never understood the trope of friends with benefits vowing not to develop feelings and then the drama when one of them seemingly inevitably does. ❔ (I don't really read that kind of stories, but I do get it, I've talked about jealousy and love with a lot of people, but Idk)

Your ‘crushes’

You think you’ve had a crush on every single one of your friends.✅ (SO TRUE)

You frequently thought you might have crushes on people you actually were uncomfortable around. ❔

You *theoretically* wanted a romantic partner but anytime anyone showed interest in you you would avoid them.✅ (SO TRUE HOLY FUCK)

You’ve only ever had feelings for someone if they showed interest in you first.✅(THIS ONE IS SO TRUE )

You’ve only ever had crushes on celebrities, fictional characters or otherwise unattainable people that you knew could never actually turn into relationships.✅

When asked about your crush you would randomly and arbitrarily pick a person.❌ (I just said no lmao)

You came up with a list of things you would probably like in a partner and then found someone who fit those criteria and decided to have a crush on them. ❌(Not at all, I don't even have a type, but I've decided to be in a relationship with my actual partner because we've been friends for years and he seemed to be the perfect match for me so I thought “I don't have to waste an opportunity”).

Flirting

You’re oblivious to people flirting with you. ❌ (Sometimes yeah, but most of the time I confuse them being nice with them flirting with me because of the next item in the list...)

You’ve been told you were flirting with someone when you thought you were just being friendly.✅ (All the damn time, for a couple of months I stopped being nice because of THIS reason)

Understanding and explaining yourself

You thought you were bisexual/pansexual because there was no difference in how you felt about people, so you assume you’re romantically feeling the same for everyone.✅ (Pan and demi)

When someone asks you why you don’t date, you reply that you have more important things to concentrate on.✅

You thought the reason you’ve never had a crush or fallen in love was because you had super high standards.✅(no one seemed to make me feel in love like everyone describes what it feels like)

You thought you were a late bloomer and that eventually you’d experience some inkling romance long after most of your peers have started dating.✅

So that's the list. Now I'm asking aro folks if you're so nice to tell me, do you relate? Could it be that I'm aro, or could it be that I just have commitment issues? LMAO either way i'm talking about this with my therapist, but I'd love to hear your opinions.

[sormatumb]

"Romance", society, media, viewers and shipping

(or "hey, I forgot I can post my stuff and write my bullshit ramblings, let's do it for once")

Note: This is just personal ramblings to take it out of my chest, and despite being this long I actually tried to cut as much stuff as possible to not be long, so please don't come up with "what if" scenarios to try to gotcha me in bad faith, please. Thank you.

I've always felt conflicted about describing myself as "aromantic". I've never had any of those passionate crushes where your mind gets obsessed with one person to the point it consumes everything. However, there seems to be an assumption that just because of it I can't have anybody, and that I'm perfectly okay because if I don't feel that, it means I'm just fine with simple distant friendships. Yet I crave for physical and emotional intimacy (sexual very little, I'm heterosexual but don't really crave for it with a partner), and I see the tenderness of people who love each other and I want it too.

And to associate it with media, I love many romance series, though when they get super possessive and the series validates it I nope out really fast. But I also value strong and super intimate friendships, the kinds people make fun of for being corny or bait or if they like them they say it's romantic subtext, regardless of how heteronormative the series is and in a context of a mainstream publication where heteronormativity dominates all. Likewise, I've never been fond of shipping, even the ones who know it's just for fun and simple "what if"s that are outside what the author may intend or not (the ones who take it beyond that are obnoxious, we can all agree with tat), while of course to each their own there was always something about all of this that rubbed me the wrong way, combined with some guilt that I may just have latent homophobia or something.

But after giving it thought, searching, and reading a few books, now I see what was bugging me all this time. And the key is "romance": what the hell is this? We understand it's an innate feeling within us to be a couple with somebody and a whole lot of baggage, but when you see definitions about it, especially with our current understanding, things get murky. Now we distinguish between romantic and sexual feelings, even labeling as different identities depending of the gender preference or not at all, which means they're separate. Current neuroscience also seems to validate this, since the affective and sexual components in our brain are different parts that work with different substances, regardless of whether they can complement each other or not.

But then what's left of "arromantic" people who haven't had that common experience of "romance" yet still want that intimacy? The community has created whats called "queerplatonic" relationships, in theory to condense what is "beyond friendship but not romance", but when you see definitions, you often find "it's like romance in everything except physical and sexual intimacy and relationships", and then we find the contradictions: if sex and romance are separated, and physical intimacy is something you can have with everyone (your family for example), then what is the difference? In fact, since we are so fond of chosen families, if we consider them they also don't fit under the basic label of romance, and most of the feelings are also covered by it. So what has romance that the others don't to be considered a different thing?

Honestly, the answer is really simple: it's a social construct that tries to sell itself as the most important feeling to sell a particular box of partnerships that modern society is based on. It's a social contract.

When we see how love works in neuroscience with the current and most accepted paradigms (which could be off since the brain is still a mystery, but it's the most consistent thus far), we find two kinds of love: passionate love and companionate love. The first one is what we call a crush, squeesh, love at first sight, infatuation, etc. that state where your brain is in obsession mode over something for a short period of time (between weeks/months to a year usually). Then we have companionate love, which is the more gentle yet stronger and faithful love one has for the others, which can last decades or all one's life. It's usually understood that a romantic relationship starts with one and then slowly transitions to the other, but these kinds of love are not exclusive to "romance": they define every positive relationship we have, from friends to family to lovers; they all use the same mechanisms, and with no consistent levels. There exists what they call platonic crushes, and you can have companionate love for anybody. So when you think about it, romance has no specific definition in all of this aside of being an extremely heavy display of passionate love; and even this depends of the person, for many it's way more subdued. So if we want to still associate the word to a feeling, this is the only one that could have some basis. If we wanted to keep the term for the feelings, maybe we should talk about strictly "stronger than usual infatuation" (because we still have infatuations for people regardless of the gender, though it's likely that many people only have them way stronger for one gender, in that regard I don't know, but magnitude would be the key).

But with the feelings deconstructed, then what has of social contract? It's basically what we have been told how to process when we have these kinds of feelings in modern society: we should partner with that someone and only one, have a social contract of partnership that involves spending all time together and disregarding many other relationships, reserve an exclusivity contract of sex or intimacy for only them, spend time together all the time, scale up the relationship so you live together, share everything including bed, satisfy all your needs by yourselves, live independent from everyone else, remove any privacy between both of you, etc. (I'm skipping the stuff that are put more into question nowadays like compulsory sex or kids, the other stuff I describe is generally more accepted that all relationships should have). This is not an universal experience, it's a very specific one, it's a tightly constructed box that, yeah, some people may be more flexible with it, but at the end of the day it's really restrictive and because we have it so internalized, we see many incompatibility problems that surge between that box as unsolvable because the box's walls must be maintained.

What we tend to forget is that this is a very modern concept and terminology, born from 19th century and combined with the nuclear family model from the 20th century under the capitalist system which tends to individualize people so much they now are on their own and tough break surviving by themselves. But when you see on the past and other cultures (the least affected by western colonialism) you see a lot of other models, and for the most part, they tend to be waaaaaaay more colectivist and communal. And many studios have shown that this usually results in a better way to support each other because the responsibility doesn't fall on a few people against the rest of the world who at most will look apathetically at them, they tend to support each other. And of course, many have other systems of power and oppression that must be challenged, but they also found within it a way to enjoy their lives however they can, and even built relationships and love concepts in totally different ways.

I read the book "The Other Significant Others" by Rhaina Cohen, a book about the importance of relationships who don't fit under basic friendship or romance, and puts a lot of examples of people who have different ways: deeply intimate friends but with very different norms, contact, support, livelihoods, etc. and how they have improved their lives in a world that often forces them to love and partner in a specific way and then forces them to sustain like that despite the current capitalist system being made to make them miserable and vent they struggles on each other. To put some examples (they were recent and honest interviews with them, not assumptions):

A christian pastor conflicted about homosexuality that however sees the value in deep friendships and livelihoods with other men with no sex, lives with one who is a dear friend he sustains his life with, and even fighting against the christian church that considers their relation taboo when in fact that's something that has happened for most of history: deep friendships are described constantly in medieval texts from both religious and secular perspectives, from everybody to everybody, particularly in times where marriage was family arrangements and power unions instead of love-driven. And yes, some of them may have feelings that fall more in line with what we consider romantic or even sexual (though privately, since penetrative sex for fun was a horrible sin), but many actually enjoy their deepest friendship and celebrate it while being perfectly comfortable with the social system, not defining themselves as a romantic couple living together wasn't a problem for them (honestly, when they live in a communal town, they already kind of live together), the same way many here are happy with a system that is also full of holes. Obviously their society was also full of holes in many ways that are obvious to us, and even that contemporary pastor could be questioned about his rejection of explicit homosexual sex even from a biblical standpoint; but he understands that affection is a totally different thing and that can be just as much or more important, and so did many people centuries ago (it's kinda funny how much mileage people had when sex was only considered if there was penetration, everything else was fair game).

Women married with men but who have deep friendships between them and even live together. Because there are not established assumptions about how these relationships work, they force themselves to talk about what's their level of closeness and where are their limits to have room to breath, and not being forced to it; which allows them to enjoy and support each other, and avoid the hardest parts of being next to each others.

A child with different mothers, the biological one and a friend who got so involved in supporting them when they were alone that she didn't just become what we tend to say "an aunt" but someone with such a role the child also considered her another mother, and later another woman who lived with them who also helped. They were not polyamorous, the mothers where close friends but they didn't fit at all in that model, yet the co-parenting is still present, and that way of relegating responsiblities for the hardships of modern life (especially for single parents) that has allowed them to grow happy, and again, because they don't make assumptions about their relationships, can define the links and the barriers each one has to create the least amount of friction. Yet this also comes with limitations, because the law didn't allow legal co-parenting and therefore many were exempt of all the privileges that married couples do (hospital visits, tax-stuff, etc.).

Widowed women who live together instead of alone or in a residence that doesn't feel like home, in a way where they both take care of each other and enjoy their company on the lonely old age, and are there for each other if something happens to the other. This reminded me to my grandma, whose friend (a lesbian with three children who all abandoned her when she was left with nothing and lived with one of the most abusive daughters until the daughter kicked her mother out of home) appared with suitcases on my grandma's house because she had nowhere to go, and my grandma (widowed and lonely on a flat on a city she didn't know anybody because she lived in a town all the time beforehand and couldn't adapt), decided to take care of her. My grandma wasn't comfortable with gayness as a concept but she doesn't judge anybody and just prefer not to think about it, so with her human decency and long-established friendship she took care of her, and decades ago when people thought both were a couple (because they knew the friend was lesbian so you know, assumptions) my grandma just brushed it up without affecting their friendship and they remained close. Thanks to my grandma, the friend lived for a year and a half with her from being a husk of a human being to someone slowly gaining hope and happiness, in a comfortable space where each respected each other's boundaries, and felt less lonely. The friend died of a heart attack, and my grandma while rememoring those times she felt happier than ever since living there (and then sadder when she came back to her lonely life after that experience) and said she loved her as if she were her sister; the terminology is what she found with her vocabulary to explain the deep bond they have, but is still ever so important regardless.

An ancedote about Saudi Arabia: because their society splits more ofently relations between men and women, one thing they have is that people of one gender have deeply intimate friendships with other people of the same gender, both men and women, and gets reflected in the way they talk and touch. George Bush once walked with one of the top people in a diplomatic visit with both walking with their hands hold, and then people from USA had to be told that George Bush was responding in kind with how people interact there. So yes, even something like intimate touch like holding hands is not something reserved for romantic couples, while we may see it sometimes with women here, not even men are exempt from it. And this comes from a deeply homophobic society that won't accept certain limits, but even still we can learn of human experience and how we work by contrasting with each other.

Different concepts of love over history that encapsulate different stuff in different ways, the most known being the four loves on ancient Greek (eros, storge, philia and agape), which don't map one to one with our current ones, and that's reflected on how many society structure were on those times, and the same with many others.

etc. etc. It's a long book with many more relations and thoughts about different stuff and ways people deal with modern society, but just goes to show how many different ways are, how our modern assumptions and even what we call "common sense" can hurt us and make us miserable and lash out on each other instead of looking for ways to support one another or find ways that are not contained in that box we call "romantic couple/marriage", and how the system is wholy unprepared for them. The whole thing about romance being this exclusive superior thing that everybody should aspire to, the peak of human happiness, and only and ideal way of living, can be extremely toxic and is whats called "amatonormativity" (I know many people may be tired of new terms, but it's the word they use for this so let's keep it), and don't realize that this nuclear family model wrapped under this social contract disguised as "peak feeling" mostly serves the capitalist system than being the most ideal way of living (which isn't even true, you know how awful is to be a couple, maintain a house and educate kids nowadays), and limit us from enjoying many possibilities of relations because we are under many binding social contracts with each other and making hierarchies about which one is more important.

And this is something that the LGBTQA+ movement has also fallen to by trying to adapt to the current system, sadly. The movement on its earlier stages, while missing reflections in some areas, was also more radical in their structures and at signaling the problems, particularly when it comes to the society's faults and wanting to form communal chosen families; but since changing the whole family structure was not going to work very well (it's hard already for society to accept you without questioning their structure and just accept you to be there, imagine if you do), many tried to compromise and adapt to the current system, and two of these things are the most clear:

Marriage: gay marriage wasn't conceptualized a lot before the 90s aside of a few keys, mostly because they saw the marriage as an oppressive system that is part of the problem. However, because of wanting to validate many relationships that fall under the same values, and especially the legal recognition, it became a goal, and honestly may be a miscall. Don't get me wrong, I'll celebrate whenever any country legalizes gay marriage (I've even unfollowed activists who rage when that happens because it reinforces the institution of marriage, I know there are short-term priorities that people need now), but the institution of marriage itself is still the problem and is still monogamous, strict and strictly joining love with legal social union to survive, which should be separate things. Polyamory has the same problem: it's not monogamous, but everything else about the contract is the same, just with more than one people; so while it may become the next goal, honestly I'd try to propose (or at least promote for the far future) different union models that allow the flexibility people need when making different kinds of social contracts based on whatever.

Language: while queer terminology tries to add new terms to define most human experiences, we are basing it from what can be considered a flawed root, with the whole romance and such, and a over-reliance on labels as identifiers. In fact, when we combine this with our separation of everything with the hetero/homo/bi/pan/a stuff people can get out of hand and invent bullshit like heteroplatonic as I once read someone (so you can't be friends with people of your same gender??). And these labels often can create more conflict and turmoil than anything because instead of the labels describing you, they are used for you to adapt to those labels; probably you see a lot of people struggling with this on whether they can be considered gay, bi, trans, etc. In an ideal world, most of the labels would be pointless or we wouldn't think that much about them because we wouldn't have a very strict default by which to distinguish with all those labels because it would be common. Of course, that's in a more ideal world, not for the short-term journey to it where we need them because that's how society classifies it and there are many things to explore within them to detect problems and such (basically, never fall in a colorblind equivalent that perpetuates the same problems), and many people value their identities and the culture of joy and resistance against the system and that's something worth keeping around, but I think it's good to be aware of this so we don't assume as a matter of fact that we have the best terminology right now, given the origin with the shaky "romance" concept.

Many of the things I said happened to fall under what I found out was called "relationship anarchy", which is a concept recently developed (like, early 10s) in Sweden and slowly spread to other countries, most recently divulged thanks to the book "Relational Anarchy: Occupy Intimacy" by Juan Carlos Pérez Cortés (it's apparently the first book on the subject written 2-4 years ago, originally in spanish and then translated to english, so hey, Spain is ahead on the curve on something over english communities) which incorporates to the anarchism movement how to apply it to relationships with our current understanding of queer theory and many things I've mentioned. It's very tied to anarchy so not everybody will be on board, but I think it's good to know it as a toolkit viewpoint by which to examine the world and have a different perspective to not fall into the same assumptions. Basically what it does is allowing any kind of relation anybody wants with anybody as long as it's consensual, well debated and agreed the barriers and closeness, avoiding any kind of unequal power dynamic and constantly reexamine how it's going, and a colectivist approach to relationships that aren't restricted; and therefore, heavily critical of the capitalist and hetero and amatonormative society I described early. Of course, this is just a short definition, it's a whole book examining everything, including exceptions and short-term goals, and you don't have to subscribe to all of it or change your ways, but I think it's worth so at the very least you don't judge people with relationships outside the norm that are still perfectly consensual and positive.

Anyway, all that to say why I'm not fond of the romance concept that much anymore; even the books I've quoted kind of accept the term as inevitable but when you analyze everything I feel this is just a box that tries to pack human feelings into an ideal we have to pursue and the whole society and laws are based around it, and I think this has caused many problems: your typical incels who can't find happiness with their few like-minded friends because they are convinced they need a woman and sex that they are owed to and must dominate to be happy instead of crave affection they can give to each other and ultimately become so toxic; married couples that let everything become worse and worse because they can't conceptualize needs beyond those boxes when it turns out they weren't compatbile enough to live under that strict box; couples who break up because they can't live to one or two of the hundred of standards they say a romantic couple should have, and if there are kids in the middle it can break them; etc. But mostly, what bothers me is the fact that every other kind of relationship gets trivialized and regarded as "not important", and therefore when you see real intimacy between people who don't fit in the "normal friends" or "romantic lovers" that society usually expects to, many people can judge, despite within them actually knowing they are valid, because most of us already know and accept many who do in different ways. So that's why romance is not a pedestal for me anymore, and honestly I don't even feel like describing myself as arromantic, because I don't even want to give that term the importance to define myself by it (though maybe I'll have to if I want to explain myself with shorthands).

And now to talk about media, because that's why I wanted to talk about but I needed to establish all this beforehand ^^u.

Even in our oppressive society that affects our mentalities, we still crave for those stronger intimacies, particularly in dramatic and cathartic stories, which is why many have them; let's go with manga and anime for example. The authors may not be progressive, but they still want to represent these deeper friendships between characters that are also complex and with different ways to interact; without ever expecting to be thought as traditional romance, and they probably even would mock the idea if they were told, but still believe in their super deep friendship. And we see that a lot even in shows that are not doing it with bait intentions; my favorite example is episode 3 of "Tanaka-kun is always listless": an extroverted girl wanted the main character Tanaka to teach her how to be cool to have confidence to say a dear person to her that she loves them, which Tanaka thinks it's romantic to a guy. Then we found out that a female friend of that girl, concerned about her because they felt distant recently, is the one she wanted to say "I love you", in a super childish cutesy exaggerated way of saying "I super duper love you", and they just smile calmly and leave the scene together, while Tanaka and his friend just think "oh, so that's what she meant". When we all saw it we thought "oh, nice they just made a confession and romantic couple so casually, it's not common to see"... until we see the next episodes and these characters come back and while still close friends they don't act as a romantic couple ever and one is even having anxiety of whether she likes some of the male friends around her completely divorced from that, in a way that makes clear that scene wasn't a confession, it was an intimate kinda-cute-childish way of a friend saying to another how much they love her, and that is a copout of the author.

But that's my thing now: is it really a coupout? Why could she not say that? Is it not valid to reassure your friendships if you want? That's how I've been feeling a lot with many intimate friendships that many people say it's obvious bait or subtext. And sometimes it may be the intent to be bait or subtext. But a lot of times I just think I'm jealous and I'd want to do that, when you see a lot of female friends being super intimate in series both physically and emotionally, or in some instances men too. And we all know that a friendship can be serious business for our emotional state, for example if there's a heartbreaking breakup or something. So for me all these stories are not bait or fake or disregarding real homoromantic relationships: they are normal, they are constant, and we crave for them, and just as important as many others. If anything, sometimes it can feel like a collective subconscious human cry for help in current times, yearning to be free.

And that's why shipping isn't really for me; because instead of seeing the actual relation two characters have and how that is just as beautiful and heartwarming as a romantic couple, there seems to be an assumption that it is inferior to if they were romantically involved and usually dropping whatever made that relation interesting with all the pluses and minuses. And most of the time I end up just loving more strong friendships over romance: I prefer the friendship (not romance) of Naruto and Sakura over the romance of Naruto and Hinata; I love the friendship between Shizuo and Celty from DRRR; Yuji and Nobara's friendship from Jujutsu Kaisen is great and the little comedic twist where Nobara's heart skipping a beat over someone liking Yuji turns out she's annoyed that he could gain a partner before she gains another is perfect; and I think Sora and Riku or Roxas and Axel have a nice friendship despite some friends telling me it's badly written because they can't see them being intimate as anything other than romance and therefore it's bait. And I also love a lot of couples that are full-on traditional romances, because this is not basing my preferences on rejecting the current model, but on just enjoying any kind of relationship between the characters that I like, both more and less intimate, more traditional or less, or whatever.

(And honestly, a lot of times shipping is consumed in a way that it just feels like porn, if not sexual porn then emotional porn that people do just to liberate some catharsis, which is perfectly good of course and there's nothing wrong with it (it's pretty cool that one can have such an attachment to some fictional characters that these shippings can give you so much catharsis and happiness, I say this 100% honest and positive), but aside of maybe a few instance it's just not for me)

Anyway, the last point I wanted to bring is people who say that not accepting these deep friendships as romance removes the queerness out of them and dropping value out of the work. My response is (aside that I think the heteronormative angle in one's work can be very obvious to assume they're going to do anything explicitly homoromantic as society understands it), depends of your definition of queerness: if it's just each current individual letter on the LGBTQA+ and their textbook definition, then no, it's not queer. But if you go to the spirit of the word, which is accepting everything that current society has a hard time accepting or tolerating (society that includes even many branches of the current LGBTQA+ movement), and learning to appreciate every relation for what it is regardless of it being a friendship, romance, whatever inbetween them, some totally different way of classifying them or no labels at all; then yes, I think it's still queer, because people's common reaction to reject honest expressions of love outside of the boxes they know proves the point by itself. But still, it's not like being attached to the queer term, like the term itself is prestige, is the point; it's the defitinion, the fact of appreciating the whole of human positive experience and possibilites.

[greatwyrmgold]

I get why people ship Taylor with, like, half of the female supporting cast. I get why there are jokes about the lesbian chemistry between Worm's straight girls. But can we please try to leave Lisa out of it?

I mean, yeah, I see what y'all see with Lisa and Taylor, and I kinda see what y'all see with Lisa and Vicky. But there aren't a lot of aromantic or asexual characters around, and Lisa is definitely one of them. Even if you don't want to count her power excuse...

She’d come to terms with the fact that her lack of interest in the romance or the physical stuff wasn’t because of one excuse or the other.  She was pretty sure it wasn’t because her power preferred her this way.  It was just her. Ward, Interlude 10.x

Lisa's one of the mere handful of aro/ace characters I came across before finally realizing I was (I had my own set of excuses). Even now, I haven't encountered many aro/ace characters in media, and way fewer if you discount the ones I heard about specifically because they are aro/ace.

Imagine if there was a running gag in the fandom about shipping Flechette and Weld, or Tristan and Moonsong, or Avery Kelly and Jude Garrick. Wouldn't that be weird? Wouldn't it feel off? It would to me, at least. And it's the same for aromantic characters.

It's not a big deal, just...a little irritation, every time I see a Tumblr post or whatever jokingly shipping Tattletale with someone. There are just a lot of posts like that.

Also: There are better lesbian ships in the fandom. Look at Taylor's friendship with Rachel. Hell, look at Victoria's friendship with Ashley. They even have a kid that they substitute-parent together! How do people look at Victoria and Lisa and think "girlfriends" instead of "grumpy moms who have to get along because their kids are friends"?

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hey Raven! I appreciated and loved reading your thoughts regarding your recent Twst dating sim asked! What stood out the most to me as someone who is aromantic is how you questioned how romantic love is more powerful/influential compared to platonic love.

I love Twst so much because even if you decide to ship some characters (canon x canon, oc x canon, and so on), it's still inclusive of everyone. You still get to have platonic relationships, even when it's hinted at some "romance" moments. It focuses on platonic relationships and how important it is to heal and work through your problems.

If Twst was a dating sim, I believe it would reinforce amatonormativity and that the boys are only interested in you because they want to date you. Not only would there be a good chance that it would be targeted towards a predominately female audience, which would exclude the male and nonbinary audience that makes up a large portion of the community as well; it would forsake all the hard work the lore has already created.

Not everything has to be romantic, romance is Not the end goal. It's fine to want to ship with the characters, in fact, I encourage it. But if Twst was Just a dating sim, it wouldn't be exclusive to those who identify as aromantic. With just how much everyday media is centered around romance, friends to lovers, "true love conquers all" etc, Twst being a dating sim would feel so exclusive and constricting. I apologize if this seems a bit more emotional than logical thinking. I'm just an aro who is so tired of everything having to be centered around romance or the forced ideology that romantic love will fix all of your problems when it won't.

Platonic attraction/love is so important in stories like these for me because not everything is about romance. But I also think it's important to the other side as well because there are some aplatonic and asexuals within the Twst community! I would love to hear any of their opinions on this as well and see what they think

Anyways I apologize for the ramble but I rlly do enjoy reading thru your posts and seeing the conversation it's creating ! I hope you have a good day/night

[Referencing this post!]

Before I respond to this proper, I want to quickly define some terms that this Anon used in their ask for my readers!

Aromantic means one has little or no interest or desire for romantic relationships. Aplatonic means one has little or no interest or desire for friendships. Asexual means one has little or no interest or desire to engage in sexual activities.

***PLEASE NOTE: as is the case with all sexualities, these definitions are NOT extremes or binaries; they are on a spectrum. Every person is different and we should not make broad assumptions about those that identify as any of the above.***

Amatonormativity is a set of social assumptions that everyone prospers in long-term exclusively romantic relationships. It assumes that amorous relationships are the norm and the expectation.

And with that done, now to the ask itself! ^^ I think you brought up a lot of interesting points for discussion.

I completely agree that romantic love is something that is heavily promoted in all forms of media. It’s often portrayed in a way that undermines the importance of friendships and familial love, or in a way that holds romantic love up as the pinnacle of ALL forms of love. Because of that, it can, quite understandably, feel extremely alienating for those that experience little to no romantic attraction. Aromantics sometimes end up thinking they’re the ones that are “broken”, since they cannot feel what everyone else seems to be feeling. I see you, I hear you, andI understand you.

As I’ve said before, a BIG draw of TWST for many is that it’s pretty open-ended in terms of the types of relationships you can have with its characters. You can ship as many people as you want with whoever you want, and you can avoid shipping them altogether if that’s what you prefer. You can have romance if you want, and you can have friendships if you want. You can be male, female, nonbinary, trans, straight, gay, aro, ace, bi, whatever you want to be. You can truly have it YOUR way just like at Burger King, and we’re lovin’ it just as Ronald McDonald would want us to for that. Everyone can be included.

I really love how TWST appeals to so many different people! 🥰 And I definitely think that platonic love deserves more of a spotlight in media; it’s very underrepresented compared to romantic love. That’s what amplifies TWST’s greatness--it can tell complex stories with deep and compelling characters without necessarily having romantic love as the centerpiece for the narrative. At the same time, people can still enjoy the fanservice (in the card art and some lines of dialogue that are vague enough to be viewed as either romantic or platonic).

Fans interpret the relationships however they wish because the base game leaves the choice up to them. That is the real magic of Twisted Wonderland.

[turtlegirlave]

Quick thoughts on the sims 4 sexuality update in terms of aspec gameplay (from an ace)

After the recent sexuality update made it possible to have asexual and aromantic sims, naturally I tested it by making twins that were biromantic asexual and bisexual aromantic. I figured I’d share some of my thoughts on it:

Asexuality:

The first thing I noticed was that after my asexual sim got a partner the option for woohoo never came up. Initially I was really happy about this, since I didn’t expect choosing asexuality to actually have any effect on gameplay. As a sex-repulsed ace I was glad to see that it actually carried the sims sexuality into their relationships. My sim was able to get married and have a good relationship without woohoo and the game didn’t even allow for the option to further reinforce the importance of their identity. However, since this sim was marked as not exploring romantically I assumed the woohoo option not being there was just for sims not exploring, and that ticking the exploring romantically box would allow asexual sims to woohoo. Despite “exploring” not being a great way of showing sex-favorable sims, it still allowed for people to make asexual sims who could woohoo if they wanted a sex-favorable ace sim. Unfortunately upon making some new sims to test with I noticed that even asexual sims with the “exploring” box ticked still had no option to woohoo, meaning that from my experience playing there is no way to make sex indifferent or favorable asexual sims. While I appreciate that their sexuality has an impact on gameplay, since being ace does have an impact on irl relationships, it was very disappointing to see that only sex-repulsed asexual sims can exist.

Asexuality glitches:

My sim’s allo partner got a want to try for baby with my sim, but since my sim was ace the option didn’t show up for either of them so I couldn’t fulfill that want. Wouldn’t be a big deal if we could delete certain wants but it’s annoying when a want I can’t fulfill sticks around. Also there was one instance where I clicked on a bed as my sim’s allo partner (he usually didn’t have the woohoo options since his partner is ace) where the options for woohoo and try for baby came up. The buttons were gone the next time I selected the bed it was just odd.

Aromanticism:

My aromantic sim had the “exploring romantically” box checked initially and because of that had all of the romantic interactions available, although I did forget she was exploring and got really annoyed with her for autonomously flirting with another sim when I didn’t ask her to but that’s more on me than the game. I also noticed a new friendly social called “ask to be woohoo partners,” so it’s cool that there’s a type of queerplatonic relationship option that allows for sims to woohoo without having to be romantic first. The person my sim was flirting with did refuse to be woohoo partners so I didn’t get to test this feature, but I did have my sim drag her on social bunny. I mean I barely knew her so fair to refuse but making social media enemies was fun. I ended up going back into create a sim to tick the “not exploring romantically” mark for my sim afterward, leading to all interactions under the romantic category disappearing except for asking about someone’s romantic or woohoo preferences. After asking those the romance category disappeared altogether (but not before a sim responded “not you, so don’t worry” to me asking their romantic preference, ouch). The aromantic feature seems a bit better than asexuality since you have the option of making romance repulsed, indifferent, or favorable sims (again through the “exploring” mark which isn’t great wording but at least in gameplay works for repulsion levels) and has a unique interaction for woohoo partners, though in my gameplay friendship has to be really high for a sim to accept. Also note that I am not aromantic so aro people may have a different opinion on this representation, if you’re aro please let me know your thoughts

Aromantic glitches:

I didn’t find any in my gameplay but I’m sure there are ones similar to the asexual sims where occasionally romantic wants pop up or something. If anyone noticed any feel free to add

Overall thoughts:

I think this update is fantastic for aspec identities even if it has a while to go. The options to make sex or romance favorable sims could be better, and aspec labels like grays or demis don’t really have any option for their identity. However, the range of aspec identities is vast and probably hard to implement for a game that took like 6 years to add pronouns. I am happy that this update adds a split attraction model, especially since for a lot of allos it may teach them what the split attraction model is. Overall the way that the game has implemented the split attraction model seems to do much more good than harm. End thoughts, I’m very happy with the update! Sure there’s room to improve on aspec fronts and gender binary fronts, but I doubt this will be the last update we get on the sexuality system.

Terms:

Ace: asexual

Aro: aromantic

Allo: someone who is not asexual or aromantic

Also this is just in my gameplay experience, the sims tends to have glitches that vary wildly from player to player so I’m sure I didn’t catch everything.

[sidecarghost]

This is aromantic spectrum awareness week, and I’m alloaro (allosexual aromantic).

My Aro story to help normalize the Aromantic Spectrum.

I am frayromantic. That identity describes me because I stop feeling romantic attraction after I get to know someone well. I waver between romance positive and romance indifferent. I am romance positive towards other people’s experiences and romance in books and movies.

I understand a bit what alloromantics feel since my relationships often start with romantic attraction. But I am more comfortable in an intimate relationship after that has worn off. Romantic attraction to me is my heart racing to be with this person and everything they do is wonderful and our time apart is devastating and my brain obsessing over lots of little gestures I can make to shower them in love. It is a relief after I get to know my partner better and all the romantic attraction dissipates. Then I’m left with tertiary attractions and emotional intimacy and I feel a lot more settled, stable, and fulfilled. Romance feels very demanding and overwhelming to my arospec brain.

Well intentioned alloromantics have told me I’ve fallen out of love when I tell them my partner and I don’t do anything special on anniversaries, birthdays, or valentines. But I just learned to shrug off the opinion of people that weren’t my partner. If we were both happy and content then I figure that is all that matters. I think media has made love look one certain way (i. e. extremely romantic) and people really buy in to that whether it’s a good fit for them or not.

I don’t feel jealousy in my relationships. I can feel lonely. I prefer things to be practical and talked through frankly. I am apprehensive about any kind of surprises and would prefer to openly discuss expectations. I think friendships are just as important as intimate relationships.

[salty-stories]

Hello Salty!! As an aro person obsessed with everything Regency, I have to ask: Is Hugh aromantic? I’m looking forward to playing the other romances, but I’m also definitely creating an MC to go the marriage of convenience path with Hugh and have a lasting friendship with him! I’m sorry if this comes off as insensitive, I don’t mean it to come off that way, I just don’t see aro characters in Regency media and I’m a bit excited aha 😅 Feel free to ignore this for any reason! And have a good day!!

Hi!! Dw, this isn’t insensitive at all!! And I totally feel you on the lack of aro rep in regency media! It was really important for me to try to include characters and ros of different sexualities, instead of going the cliche, everyone is bisexual(which is still totally valid and chill!) or player!sexual. This one is gonna be long! So under the cut! Also cw: lots of sexuality talk and some mentions of colonialism!

I was going to wait until the prologue was out to explain some of the things I changed about the regency setting to make the game more poc and queer-friendly, while preserving the social and economic conventions that make the period so interesting. But I think this is a good time to explain my thought process!( also sorry for the ramble-ness of this and for anything I say that’s wonky) I’m hand-waving most of the British imperialism which is how the aristocracy paid for all that silk, muslin, gold filigree, and high-flung landed life-style. The hand wave is mostly so I can write characters from different parts of the world, especially the places Britain would/had colonized, without resorting to the usual ways they are depicted in regency stories(which are sometimes valid and sometimes not!)....but that should probably get its own post! The other reason is personal. As an Indian woman, it can be difficult for me to write about British imperialism and colonialism so close to my own personal family history(but again! that’s for another post!) I’m also changing some of the attitude of the period towards queer relationships. Of course, LGBTQIA+ people existed and had meaningful lives within the framework of regency society and I’ve reached out to some of my Austen scholar friends for insight on how those identities manifested or didn’t in both literature and the period(so I might tweak this a bit and again, I’m sorry for the ramble!) This will be in the game and hopefully less clumsy, but queer relationships aren’t illegal or even really frowned upon. One is free to pursue or not pursue relationships--romantic, platonic, sexual--as they wish. But the pretense is very important. An unmarried person’s movements and relationship are heavily scrutinized and judged. After marriage, it’s assumed, and sometimes even encouraged to do as you wish, as long as all parties are in agreement. Hence the popularity of marriages of convenience. And while the society operates with these assumptions, you are expected to uphold the pretense of hetero-normativity. TLDR: Marriage is an economic/land/family name convention, but you gotta keep up appearances and the landed Gentry isn’t entirely English. 

And for full disclosure, I don’t identify as aromantic, though I used to and my knowledge isn’t perfect. So, I’m open to talking about this further and changing things! And that goes for any of the characters in LaF! 

Now with all that set-up, to your actual question! Hugh is definitely on the aro spectrum. Romantic relationships have never been a priority for him, which can make the social aspect of regency a bit irritating as you can imagine. His friendships, his family relationships have always come first. That said, he is in a relationship with another gentleman. You’ll get to meet Hugh’s partner in the latter half of chapter 1 and get to have a nice conversation with both Hugh and his partner about their relationship if you aren’t a dick lmao. Hugh has known his partner since childhood and their relationship isn’t all too romantic. It’s more a best friends with benefits, although I’m not sure how I feel about calling it that. 

I tried to do some research into queer identities and specifically aro and ace identities in the regency but I couldn’t find anything conclusive on how people in the period would refer to themselves if they were aro/ace. But in modern terms, Hugh would say the label demiromantic fits him best. But like even then, he is not a fan of romance. His partner is a special case. Now if we’re talking sexual preference, Hugh is gay.  

So, Hugh is very down to have a marriage of convenience with a MC who is chill. If we’re being completely honest, Hugh would down for that kind of deal, even if MC doesn’t want to be friends. The marriage would be an end to all the pestering he gets from the tiger moms in society. 

I’m so glad you are excited for his route! I was very scared people wouldn’t respond well to my son because of the platonic nature of his route but like you said, there just aren’t many kinds of relationships like this in regency media. And it’s a damn shame considering how well it fits the aesthetic and conventions of the time. 

Thank you for the question!! And I hope my answer made sense, even with the rambling!! <3 <3 <3 <3

[sincerelyreidburke]

Questionnaire for the rat bf, if u can?

Real Touille stan hours. Thank you. Ace rights. Let’s go under the cut and do the whole damn thing!!

Here’s the questionnaire of pride asks for the crickets! Send me anything!

I’m answering this entire thing “as” Touille, so be aware of that.

1. what is your sexuality?

I’m asexual!

2. what do you identify as?

I use the term aro-ace, for the most part. Or just ace.

3. how long have you been aware of your sexuality/identity?

Okay, well, I’ve known as long as I can remember that I’m not into romance or dating. I never understood, growing up, why everyone was always asking me about girls or why there was so much romance in the media. But if you mean knowing the word for my sexuality... then not that long, actually. It was during fall of freshman year, and the upperclassmen started talking about Winter Screw, which was coming up. I kind of freaked out when I realized it was a dating thing, because I didn’t want my roommate Francis (or anyone) to pick a date for me. So I had a little panic moment, and then Bully asked me if I was asexual. I had no idea it was a thing, but it was the best epiphany. I’ve felt so much more comfortable in my own skin since I learned there were other people like me.

4. do you have any preferences?

For, like... dating? Not applicable, I guess.

5. share a positive memory about coming out!

Because I realized I was ace in front of all of SMH at team breakfast, I didn’t really have to come out to any of them. And I haven’t really come out to that many other people, because I’m not sure my parents or my mémé would think it’s a real thing, but I did have a good experience coming out to Quinn! It was, like, two weeks after I met him, and they were doing this double-date thing with him and Nando plus Ben and Gina, who he was dating at the time, and, well, anyways, Quinn thought they were excluding me? And he said, oh, Remy, do you want to come? Are you seeing anyone? And I said, oh, no, I’m asexual, actually. And it was really nice, because Quinn just smiled and said oh, that’s lovely! I love your pride flag! and we moved on. It was really validating. Also it was the first time I really came out to anybody at all.

6. how do you feel about pride month?

Ben and Nando introduced me to the concept of pride month a few months before pride month actually happened for the first time since I met them. I like pride month because I send bad memes to my friends, and also because it’s fun on social media, but... in my regular life, I don’t really get to do that much for pride. Except the summer between sophomore and junior year, Ben came up to Quebec and we went to pride. Which was really fun, actually. And also, at the end of freshman year, Quinn sewed pride patches for a bunch of people, and he gave me a little circle that’s a hybrid of the ace flag and the aro flag, so I pin it to the hat I wear when I work at my papa’s crêperie in June.

7. do you participate in pride related events? any other events?

On the night of Winter Screw freshman year, Bully brought me to this party at his friend’s apartment, and introduced me to a bunch of other ace people. Apparently, they have this top-secret ace club??? It’s not an official campus club or anything, but they just... host parties sometimes, especially on nights where dating stuff is happening on campus, like Screw and also Valentine’s Day. I don’t know if that really counts as a pride event, but it makes me happy. It’s all kinds of people, from all over the Samwell community, and it’s really cool.

8. how do you feel about lgbtqa roles in media?

I wish there were more ace ones.

9. do you feel pride in who you are?

Honestly, yeah, I do! I’ve never really been ashamed of my identity, even before I knew there was a word for it and a community of people like me. The only time I’ve been discouraged about it is thinking about how the world is so romance-oriented, but that’s not really about myself; it’s kind of just frustration with the way society is.

10. who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery?

Bully! He was the first person to say the word ‘asexual’ to me, and he and I have been really good friends the whole time we’ve been on the team together. He teaches me about ace stuff and we usually sit together on the bus. I don’t think I would even know about asexuality at all if it weren’t for him. Okay, well, maybe Ben would have taught me eventually. But still. I’m really grateful for Bully.

11. tell us about your first crush?

Hahaha, not applicable. But I can tell you about my first real squish, if you want? Bully taught me what a squish is. It’s like a friend crush, but a little different than just wanting to be friends with a person. It was Ben for me.

12. what sort of advice to have you lgbtqa teens?

Well, for ace teens, you aren’t broken and you’re whole on your own. Never compromise the way you feel for other people’s sake.

13. have you come out to friends and family?

I’m ‘out’ to all my closest friends, but not to my family. Like I said, I’m not so sure my parents would think asexuality is even a real thing. They just think I’m taking a long time to find somebody.

14. how do you feel about the term “coming out”?

(Mel talking...) Click here for Touille’s answer on this one!

15. do you believe there is a “closet” to come out of?

For me? Not exactly... not really. Aside from generating annoying comments, coming out as ace doesn’t endanger me directly in any way. I’m lucky, because I know that’s not the case for every ace person.

16. any tips on coming out?

Oh, man, I’m definitely not qualified to give coming out tips.

17. what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtqa characterization in media?

(Mel again!) Here’s Touille’s answer on this!

18. what’s your favorite parts of lgbtqa characterization in media?

When I actually see aro and ace characters. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a confirmed one, but I like projecting onto characters without a love interest. Jughead from the Archie comics? Obi-Wan Kenobi? Merida, the Scottish girl? Asexual icons, and thank you for asking.

19. what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school?

My teachers said little to nothing. I went to a French Catholic high school, and I think they ignored it on purpose.

20. do you practice safe sex with the same sex?

Haha, not applicable.

21. what’s an absolute turn off for you in people?

Also not applicable, but in friendship terms, when people don’t shut up about themselves. I can’t stand huge egos. There were a lot of them in juniors.

22. what’s an absolute turn on for you in people?

Definitely not applicable.

23. how do you feel about lgbtqa clubs/apps/websites?

I like browsing AVEN and the LGBT+ parts of Reddit. And we have the unofficial ace club on campus. Bully calls it the ‘ace gang’.

24. how do you feel about the term “queer”?

My friends use it all the time, but I don’t really say it that much. I don’t have anything against it, it’s just not something that’s really part of my vocabulary. I don’t find it harmful.

25. how does your country view the lgbtqa community?

Canada has a long way to go on some social issues, but as far as I can tell, LGBT issues are pretty okay. We have a reputation for being more liberal than the US, which I guess is true in some ways, but things aren’t exactly perfect. But LGBT Canadians are a lot luckier than LGBT people in other parts of the world.

26. favorite lgbtqa actor/actress?

I’ve been trying to think of an example of an ace celebrity, but I’m coming up short.

27. any tips for heterosexual people on how to handle lgbtqa events/news?

Just listen, honestly. And stand up for people who are being picked on or shamed.

28. what’s the most annoying question you have ever gotten?

Definitely “when are you going to find someone?” I can’t stand that question.

29. how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/identity?

As long as they’re not in the vein of, like, you know aces aren’t LGBT, right?, then I actually really enjoy getting questions about my identity. Because people in my general life don’t tend to care that much about hearing about ace experiences (except my friends, who I love), talking about it comes sparse. Thank you for asking me all these questions, by the way! I feel appreciated.

30. what is your romantic affiliation?

I’m aromantic. :)

[atarahderek]

Let’s talk about shipping: Moana and Zootopia

Zootopia and Moana are two of the more popular CGI entries to the Disney animated canon. They came out the same year, with Zootopia beating Moana out for best animated feature at the 2017 Academy Awards due to the fact that Zootopia dealt with some sensitive topics of modern day society while Moana more or less played it safe with the plot and subject matter. Both were buddy films depicting an unlikely friendship between a strong female protagonist and a comical but troubled male deuteragonist. And despite the fact that both films ended with each friendship pair remaining just friends, shipping inevitably happened. Nick/Judy (the ship name of which I don’t actually know) and Moana/Maui (called Moaui or Hooked Wayfinder) are both quite popular ships among Disney fans. Like all non-canon ships, they have some controversy surrounding them, mostly regarding whether making either pair an official couple would subvert the storyline, character development or message that were established in canon. For that reason, the issue of shipping in each fandom has created two main camps: Those who do and those who don’t. Those who don’t tend to stand firmly by their assertion that it would be detrimental to make Nick and Judy or Moana and Maui a couple. They prefer to treat each pair as platonic life partners, in part because their being so would avert the standard Disney coupling tropes. Especially in the case of Moana and Maui. Fans will sometimes ship one pair but not the other. In that case, the shipped pair is much more commonly Nick and Judy, as they are ship teased by the film’s writers and directors, and their interspecies relationship would make them stand out somewhat in the context of their story, especially with one being a predator and the other being prey. Moaui is shipped less frequently because fans don’t find as much payoff in that couple in terms of progressivism and virtue signalling. Basically, Moaui is just too plain vanilla for them, and they seem to think that’s a problem.

To those people, I say you just lack imagination. A couple doesn’t have to be a token to be interesting. Héctor and Imelda aren’t a token couple, but they’re quite interesting, and all of you will admit it (more on this later). Also, vanilla is delicious, so there.

As far as chemistry goes, Nick and Judy are identical to Moana and Maui. Both pairs start off as antagonistic to one another and eventually develop a true friendship over the course of their first adventure. Both even endure a plot-mandated friendship failure, a staple of Disney and Pixar films these past several years. Both end their films as good friends and nothing more. And both leave the future of their relationships entirely up to fan interpretation. Which is why I say that if you do or don’t ship either pair, more power to you. I can understand why you do or why you don’t.

For my part, I’m in one of the smallest camps; I ship Moaui, but not Nick/Judy.

I have two primary reasons for not shipping Nick and Judy:

They don’t need to be a couple. Zootopia is a modern metropolis identical in almost every way to American society. It is a melting pot of every mammalian species and culture in the world, with relationships of every type represented, including one that is both interspecies and same sex. So tick off the diversity box, those of you who are keeping score at home. About the only type of relationship we don’t see is between a predator and a prey species, but there’s absolutely no reason Nick and Judy must be that token couple. There is no pressure on either of them to find romance, be it in one another or in someone else entirely. For all we know, both are asexual and aromantic (I very much doubt that, but it could happen). And in the context of their society, there’s no reason they should be in any kind of relationship. Making them a couple wouldn’t really add anything to their characters or impact their society in a way that would be unique from any similar couple impacting it. Nick and Judy are free to remain best friends. And I like them better that way. That’s not to say there aren’t some adorable pieces of shippy fan art out there, as well as ship fics that are quite good. But I just don’t see any need to ship them myself.

Their careers get in the way. Nick and Judy are partners on the police force. And as long as they work in the same precinct, it’s best that they not become romantically involved. This is standard workplace practice for most police departments, because romantic relationships can get in the way of field work. Many other employers discourage couples from working in the exact same area as well. My employers actually go out of their way to assure that siblings, parent/child pairs, and couples never work in the same house. Allowing people who are that close to work just as closely could potentially lead to conflict, divided loyalty, distraction or, worst of all, an enemy exploiting the relationship. All of which could compromise a case or put lives in danger. If Nick and Judy were to start working separately in different precincts, then I could see them safely developing a relationship with little or no risk to their careers. But as things stand now, it’s just better that they don’t become romantically involved. Any story where they did would have to address this issue and find a realistic resolution for it.

I really have one primary reason for shipping Hooked Wayfinder, and it’s basically the opposite of my first point for not shipping Nick and Judy. And it focuses mostly on Moana herself:

Moana will get married someday. And in my opinion, Maui would make the best match for her. I already explained the relationship dynamic that they would have in an earlier head canon meme I wrote. I believe Moana and Maui’s marriage would be one of political and social convenience, and they’d treat it like a friends-with-benefits situation. As heiress to the position of Motonui chieftain, Moana would be expected to strike a good match that would establish her as a strong leader with a lot of influence, especially when dealing with any other people whom the people of Motonui meet on their voyages. And because Moana’s people have been declining in population, Moana will be expected to have kids and keep the line of chieftains going strong. Basically, Moana’s situation is almost polar opposite to Nick and Judy’s situation. There is a lot of pressure on her to marry and have kids, and it’s downright unrealistic of her to not end up married with a family. Her cultural context won’t allow her to pull a Merida (even in Merida’s case, she was granted an extension of time and the right to choose her suitor; she is still obligated to eventually marry). But this is Moana we’re talking about. She wants to prove herself as a leader, and she would not be the type to tolerate an obligatory husband stealing her spotlight. She needs a man who will support her as her people’s leader, who will be there to act as added muscle if someone challenges her (but only if she needs him to), and who will generally let her be herself. Maui is the only man she knows who would be willing to do all of that. Yes, he’s hammy, but he wouldn’t steal Moana’s thunder as a leader. Just as a performer. And Moana can live with that. Moana would definitely take the lead in the relationship, as her position as chief allows her to do that, even over a demigod. Maui’s been absent for the last millennium and was the cause of their recent problems to begin with, so he doesn’t carry a whole lot of authority with Moana’s people. Marrying Moana would actually give some of that authority back to him. But he would still be her second, not the other way around. True, they are no token couple, but they are still an interesting one. It’s unusual in media to show the wife as the one who is front and center in the relationship without making her seem naggy or otherwise unrealistic. 

A good example of such a couple is Héctor and Imelda from Pixar’s Coco. Yes, Imelda has a fiery temper, and can come across as nagging or the type who would treat Héctor like a whipped puppy (Ernesto almost certainly accused Héctor of being such at some point). But in every single one of their interactions as a couple (when they’re not estranged, that is), it is shown that Héctor and Imelda are nothing but the best team a married couple can be. She’s the alpha to his beta, but she doesn’t nag him or treat him as subservient in any way, form or manner. And he fully supports her out of genuine love and not a trace of fear. He is completely dedicated to her, even though she played a not-insignificant role in his nearly being forgotten. They are just as compelling as a couple as they are as individual characters.

But those two are also more traditionally romantic (i.e. sappy). Moana and Maui wouldn’t be that type of couple. Maybe they’d wax romantic every now and again, but their focus would be on their relationship as a leadership team. They’d bicker and joke much the same way siblings would. They would definitely be family, and they would definitely enjoy the more carnal aspects of their married relationship. But they wouldn’t be singing cheesy love ballads to one another or making out in front of the kids (unless it was to very deliberately embarrass them). Their marriage wouldn’t cause them to lose any of the chemistry they had in the film, and would actually add an interesting component to that chemistry. They would have a relationship unlike any seen in Disney so far, and I think it could really add to their characters and their storyline.

In the case of either movie, I would be just as content with a Zootopia sequel that made Nick and Judy an official couple as I would with a Moana sequel that made Moana and Maui an official couple--so long as it’s done right. I don’t think any fan would be happy if either of these power teams became strangled by the red string.

[a-woman-apart]

Let’s Talk About Relationships

Even though I am currently in a loving, committed relationship, that does not change the fact that I tend to recoil from the thought of myself being in a long-term romantic relationship. I do not consider myself “romance-repulsed”, a term that is utilized often in the aromantic and asexual communities. The concept of romance is still beautiful to me. Most of the fictional stories that I have written have some element of a romance to them, even though they center around personal development and progress. That isn’t to say that you can’t be romance-repulsed and still enjoy romantic movies and media. You can be happy for other people and not have those same desires for yourself.

I have had to practice some introspection with regards to why I might feel this way. Some of it stems from my negative beliefs feelings towards marriage when I was a Christian. My dad taught Christian complementarianism, which is the belief that women are designed to “complement” or be a helper for men. They are to “bear children and guide the house” (1 Timothy 5:11) and to “submit to their husbands as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). My dad would say things like, “If you don’t want to submit to your husband, then that’s fine; don’t get married.” He would scold me harshly if I left some chore undone or if my brothers had to do it, because, “You’re the woman and it’s your job.” He told me I had to have sex with my husband whenever my husband wanted it, and that God was against birth control. He was against me pursuing a higher education but would suggest various careers for me that would “allow you to work when you have children.” When I told him that I was thinking of adopting or being a foster parent instead of having biological children, he derided it and then told me, “If God gives you a baby, don’t turn it away.”

I was starting to practice better boundaries with my dad by that point, so after that conversation I left my parent’s home earlier and spent the rest of my weekend with my older brother and his family. I knew that I didn’t agree with my dad’s teachings, and that I would never marry a man who believed those things. For the record, my boyfriend is an agnostic/atheist feminist—as am I—and we aim towards having a healthy, balanced relationship. He is anything but controlling and we discuss things equitably. Even so, I sometimes fear losing my independence. We are in a long-distance relationship right now. I am attending college and working part-time, and I have been living in my own apartment for over three years. I have had assistance, but I have become accustomed to living life primarily under my own power. I don’t have to tell anybody “take out the trash”; I do that shit myself. If I don’t do something, it doesn’t get done, and I like it that way.

Even if we weren’t lovers, moving in would be a huge deal. Most of my life has been lived with other people—first with family and then in assisted living with other people—but this solitary life has been what I’ve aimed for all along. I like having my own space and my own routine.

It’s also important to note that I never seek out romantic relationships. In my loneliest times, my thought has never been, “I wish I had a romantic partner”, it’s been “I wish I had a friend. I wish I had someone to go hang out with.” I have always valued friendships above romantic relationships, but I have had to adjust my ideas about even friendships because of my introversion, my age, and the current state of our society. My current romantic relationship was built out of a deep friendship, and that is how I prefer it. My previous romantic partner was more of a superficial summer fling. I was 20 years old and we met in the mall. It never really meant anything to me, but it was fun at the time. I honestly cringe at the thought of getting on a dating app to find someone, or even just going to singles meet-up aimed at that purpose.

If my current romantic partner and I separate, I’m not going to seek out another romance. I think, like many other women, I do have this idealized concept about the white dress and the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence, but I also know that that is a broken ideal. The only reason I am even considering marriage in the first place, is because I really do have serious feelings for the person that I’m with right now, but otherwise, I’d say, fuck it. If it happens somewhere down the line, I accept it, but it isn’t something that I seek out. It isn’t a priority. In fact, I feel that ending up in a bad marriage is so much worse than just being single for the rest of my life, that I feel rising anxiety any time I think about it.

I know I should shift my attention away from what I could be losing, or what could go wrong, to building a beautiful life together. All relationships—not just romantic ones—require compromise. You should never go into a romantic relationship with all these ideas about how you will improve the other person, or convince them to do this or that, and not be willing to grow and change yourself. You are not dating to “fix” someone or to fill some kind of romantically-shaped void. It has to be about the joy and growth of the people involved. Ask yourself what Marie Kondo would ask you: “Does this spark joy?”

If not throw it away (or just change it).

[anti-mistajules]

For the aromantic asks, would you pick which ones you want, or if you could do all of them? I’ve never heard about it before but I’m really curious and would like to know more from your point of view

Well bc you’ve never heard of it before here’s a little definition I got from here (if u wanna read more about it):

An aromantic is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others. Where romantic people have an emotional need to be with another person in a romantic relationship, aromantics are often satisfied with friendships and other non-romantic relationships.

What arospec label(s) do you identify with?

I’m just plain ol Aromantic

Sexual orientation?

Bisexual

Are you romance-repulsed?

To a degree? I don’t usually mind seeing romance in media, I just get a little uncomfortable with seeing PDA and when people view me in a romantic way I feel like physically sick.

Do you relate to voidpunk?

Do I relate to what now?

What kinds of attraction (romantic, sexual, aesthetic, sensual, platonic, etc) do you experience?

Sexual, aesthetic, and platonic definitely! Im not too big on sensual attraction and I don’t feel romantic attraction at all.

How do you like to show people you (platonically) love them?

I’m a huge ‘acts of service’ and ‘gift’ person! I do whatever I can to make things easier for my friends and try to give them gifts they love and deserve! I also like to spend time with them when I can and talk about whatever! Basically if I can talk to you on the phone or in person past 12am, I love you friend!!

Do you want to remain single all your life or do you want to have some sort of life partner?

I wanna remain single, I really need my alone time I couldn’t imagine living with someone for an extended period of time.

If you want one, what is your dream partner?

no! 

Which is your favorite of the 3 aromantic flags?

Uhhh fuck im not too flag savvy??? I like this one:

Your opinion on soulmates?

allonormative as fuck and perpetuates the idea that you need another person in your life to ‘complete’ you which is complete garbage!

Your opinion on shipping?

Shipping is fun but I don’t get too into it.

Do you ship characters in romantic/sexual relationships, or do you only ship characters in familial and platonic relationships?

Honestly all of the above but mostly platonic and sexual.

Are you out to anyone in real life?

My close friends and my immediate family. Or at least I tried to come out to them but they were just like “you won’t get married?? Ya right lol ur stupid” and I didn’t use the word ‘aromantic’ so I guess technically im not out to them?? Its not something I hide, but when explaining it to others I don’t use the word bc I don’t wanna explain or want people to think im one of those “tumblrinas’ who ‘make up orientations’ bc there’s a lot of negativity to unpack there so I just don’t bother

How did you come out?

Once I found out what aromanticism was I immediately related to it so I told my best friend first and we had a conversation about it and then Id just be like “hey I don’t get why people date people…I don’t wanna do that” to everyone else.

Do you know any aromantic people in real life?

Nope! I would love to meet some!!

How do you feel about your aromanticism?

Honestly its so freeing…I feel very validated knowing there’s a whole community of people who feel the same way I do about romance. Im pretty proud to be aro with my friends and online but irl to my family and acquaintances Im not as open with it.

What is the worst part of being aromantic?

The lack of representation and the constant erasure. I highkey hate being grouped with asexuals so much bc not every person who is aro is ace and vice versa! They’re separate orientations but they are NEVER treated like it and its so annoying. (THIS IS NOT ACE HATE!! I SUPPORT ACES WITH ALL MY ARO HEART!!! LOVE YALL!!)

Also the constant fear that you cant be friends with the opposite sex bc they’ll always want to be romantically involved and that your allo friends will leave you for their S/O lol

ALSO WHEN UR PHONE CHANGES AROMANTIC TO AROMATIC >:///

What is the best part of being aromantic?

Not being in a relationship lol people complain so much about their relationship troubles and im like ‘damn COULDN’T be me’

How did you find out about aromanticism?

I found out through either Tumblr or google I cant remember which??? Or maybe I saw it on Tumblr and googled it? Either way Tumblr was a factor

When did you know you were aromantic?

I tried dating my best friend and ended it in like 3 days bc I felt so fucking weird about the whole thing like very uncomfortable??? Like I felt like I couldn’t talk to him about certain stuff anymore and just being called someone’s “girlfriend” makes my skin crawl. I always had some weirdness around romance but I thought it was just bc I haven’t “found the right person yet” but if anyone was the “right person” it was my best friend and I couldn’t do it. So I did some research and found out about aromanticism, related so hard, and have been very happy with the label ever since.

Do you have any aromantic headcanons?

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG AND BRUCE BATMAN WAYNE ARE AROMANTIC AND YOU WILL PRY THOSE HEADCANONS OUT OF MY COLD, DEAD HANDS YOU COWARDS

What would be your dream representation of an aromantic/aro-spec character?

An aromantic character who is allosexual (preferably bi) who loves their friends and family and would do anything for them! Doesn’t go “EW!!! GROSS!!” At romance but is just like “nah ill pass, loving my friends is all I need!” and isn’t super oblivious to romantic gestures or infantilized/made into a joke for not being interested in romance. Also if they call out allonomativity that’d be tight

Who is your aromantic icon/idol?

NOBODY BC THERE ARE NO AROMANTICS IN MEDIA

What is your favorite song that relates to aromanticism, or is simply not about romantic love?

Analysis Paralysis by Awake at Last (At least I don’t get a romance vibe off of it??) and Sonic Youth by Crush 40 for all you Sonic fans out there. (And honestly most sonic songs are aromantic BANGERS)

What is your favorite movie that is not focused on romance?

BATMAN V SUPERMAN !!!

What is your favorite tv show that is not focused on romance?

POKEMON !! Im gonna be honest with y’all I think the reason Im aro is bc I watched nothing but Pokemon until I was like 10 (I didn’t stop I just also watched other things) and it is the least romance oriented show ever like….while y’all where out watching Disney princesses ‘fall in love’ or whatever I was crying over Pikachu’s Goodbye so don’t talk to me about heartbreak. Also Ash and Pikachu’s friendship (and of course his friendship with all his traveling partners) really fucking resonated with me and I think thats why I hold my friends above all else.

What popular romantic pairing do you see as only platonic?

SONAMY

Do you experience squishes?

I think I’ve had maybe one or two but they went away quick once I realized that I just like this person bc I think we’d be good friends and I get excited at the thought of making longterm friends.

Do you own any aromantic pride merch or outfits? What are they? If not, what would you like to own?

I do not but id love to own a flag or two

Do you have any advice for anyone who may be questioning if they are aromantic or on the aromantic spectrum?

Just own it. I’m actually actively trying to take my own advice bc like I said I don’t use the word irl but like,,,if you think you’re aro or somewhere on the spectrum, find a label that speaks to you and just own it. Being Aromantic isn’t cringey, its a valid orientation just like any other and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Ive spent too much time pretending to be alloromantic just to fit in, I’ve embarrassed myself too many times by pretending to be allo, Ive gone too far into my life pretending to be something im not just because its easier for others to understand. Ive gone through too much to discover my orientation to have some fucking losers on the internet tell me that its ‘not a real orientation’. Im aromantic. I feel comfortable in that label and no one can take that away from me.

[corvidprompts]

Hello wise and mighty birb, I have a question. I have a character who is asexual, but I'm not 100% sure how to write this properly..

Hi!

Disclaimer:…

I’m asexual so??

EDIT: this has been edited for clarity of language, adding information in I either forgot or decided to cut initially for length or because i thought it was too technical for a how-to-write post, and all around been checked over for errors. I’ve also put in an effort to look for any internalized biases I may have had that gave this post a skewed feel, and the post has been edited in an attempt to make it more inclusive.

A big Thank You to the user who brought up these errors to my attention! I don’t claim to be perfect, and I know my posts aren’t the end-all-be-all of information. If you guys ever spot any errors in my posts, or have extra info, always feel free to reblog it with the information, or bring it to my attention. I feel like working together with your guys is one of the most important features of this blog to make sure everything is as accurate and detailed as possible, like the chain posts we’ve had on usa flag discourse and emetophobia. I really do want you guys to message me if you’ve feel I’ve messed up somewhere- I’m 18, I’m still learning, and I promise if you feel like there’s something you feel I need to learn, I will listen.

This is still written for the purposes of a how-to-write post

Asexuality is defined by a person having low or no sexual attraction to another person! This doesn’t mean that an ace person is blind to physical attractiveness, it just means the ace persons thought process might work a little differently

She was a shapely woman, with a slender waist and large, firm breasts. Her hips swayed as she walked, straight-backed and seductive

vs

She had really large breasts and they looked fantastic, but man oh man, they must hurt when she walks down the stairs or something. I wonder if she uses some kind of corset to hold them up- it would explain her stiff posture.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that an ace person is entirely blind to sex appeal, though. An ace person will probably notice more revealing outfits or the stereotypical femme fatale red lipstick, but they’ll likely focus on describing the aesthetic of the person, rather than the sort of ~emotions~ evoked by it. 

Say you have a succubus trying to seduce your ace person. Sure, most ace people (though not all) are capable of getting physically aroused. But it’ll be less like a seduction and more like

ace person: well.

ace person: time to go eat popcorn aggressively

succubus: don’t you wanna fuck?

ace person: lmao popcorn

i mean, sure. Some ace people have sex. Some don’t. It’s all a personal decision.

Asexual people tend to fall into one of three categories- sex repulsed, sex neutral, and sex-favourable.

Sex repulsed (or sex averse) asexuals find sex disgusting, upsetting, or otherwise associated with negative emotions. Sex repulsed aces might avoid places associated with sexual context, like bars, nightclubs, or comedy movies- not all of them, of course, but comedies that rely heavily on sexual humour might be out (Spy with Melissa Mccarthy for example!). Sex repulsed are the least likely group of aces to have sex at all, especially if they are also aces with low/ no libido or low/ no physical arousal.

Sex neutral aces have no strong feelings about sex, the same way one might have no strong feelings about unloading the dishwasher. It’s something one might do if their partner or friend is into sex, or if the person in question has a higher libido. Sex neutral aces might not be bothered by sexual content in low doses, but still might seek to avoid things containing a great deal of sexual content.

Sex favourable aces are usually fairly on board with sexual jokes and references- essentially, while a sex favourable ace doesn’t feel attraction, they’ll probably be just fine with engaging in sexual humour. Sex positive aces are the most likely aces to have sex, especially one night stands or those sort of things.

Another thing to note is that asexual=/= aromantic. With most sexualities, you can kinda assume that the romantic and sexual preferences line up, but not with aspec stuff!! that’s why you hear phrases like ‘ace lesbian’ ‘aromantic bisexual’ or ‘aroace’. This isn’t a post on aromantic people who aren’t ace, so I’m only including info on or applicable too aroace folks

A non aro ace person can still feel crushes and romantic love! Hence non-aro. There might be some stress on the ace character to feel sexual, or they might feel underdeveloped or not ready despite knowing they’re ace. There’s also a lot of pressure from the media and societal norms to have sex once in a relationship. Even if the relationship is healthy and loving and full of good communication, the ace person might still feel like they ~arent doing enough~ since there’s no sex. 

An aromantic ace person won’t have crushes at all! No romantic tension, no sexual tension. Some aromantic people feel alterous attraction, which is often described as being like friendship, but more intense and deeper, with the added desire to touch (like holding hands or snuggling), but not as passionate as romance. Some aroace people might think that it is romance, and end up in a relationship that they’re uncomfortable in. Some aroace people can also be aplatonic, which means they don’t desire any kind of companionship. It depends on the person my man

a ~bad~ example of an aplatonic aromantic is voldemort. Often times villians are aromantic and that’s used as a~motivator~ of their ~evilness~. please don’t do this.

Aromantic people also fall on the romance repulsed/neutral/positive spectrum

A lot of ace and aroace people struggle with microaggressions like ‘You’re just a late bloomer’ ‘people just aren’t people without love and sex’ ‘unmarried people must be so unhappy’ and the fact that nearly all media involves a romance plot and the majority include some kind of sexual references if not a blatant sex scene. 

You know how everyone is touting wonder woman as god tier? Yeah, I loved it, but man I’m so sick of that kind of moral lesson of ‘love taught me goodness’. A very aro-unfriendly movie. (see the voldemort comment above)

A lot of language is full of microaggressions that are tough to notice. These things can also be subjective- when i first wrote this post i used the phrase ‘non aro aces can feel crushes fine’ to mean than non aro ace people would still feel crushes, but the phrasing is confusing and subjective, and can be hurtful. The phrase ‘just friends’ irks me, and I know I still use it since it’s such a common phrase and view of platonic relationships. It’s extremely tough to cut such phrases from your vocabulary, especially if you aren’t in a place where you can be open about your id and have to perform heteronormativity in order to ensure your safety.

lastly: JOKES!!!! jokes r the cornerstone of an ace character. Cake jokes, food jokes, exaggerated flirting between friends ect ect. Jokes make a character!!!

I was given these links by the user who asked me to edit this post, and I definitely think they’re worth checking out. This is one on asexual people with no libido or arousal and this is one on the ace experience

Hope this is helpful!!

[fuckyeahasexual]

Anon Submission On Arophobia and What Alloromantics Can Do  So on the recent things with Jughead and the erasure of his aromanticism, as an aroace who’s been hurt by this, I kinda wanted to, discuss the general issue? Aromantic erasure, throwing aros under the bus, those are things that aren’t rare, even in the ace community.

Edit Notes: title added and under read more for length concerns.

 I’m not sure this is the best time to talk about this so feel free to delete this ^^ While I think it’s an important subject, I’m kinda (really) salty right now and might have rude wordings without realizing it, I apologize in advance. And I also apologize for my strange English, it’s not my native language so I hope it’s understandable.

I want to first state that it’s something that’s a very logical and understandable (while it’s wrong and rude, obviously) way to act, to appeal to straight people (even unconsciously) and be accepted in our society. It’s also done by other members of the bigger LGBTQ+ community, so really, don’t feel too bad about it, it’s something we can change together, we just have to be aware of what we’re doing, and that we don’t need to put that much efforts so that allo people can relate to us. We’re already enough.

I want to begin with pieces of “advice” for alloromantic aces not wanting to hurt us aros? It’s obviously not complete, just what I came with on the top of my head.

First, stop sentences like “more than friends” or “just/only friends” or anything along those lines. We must get rid of the idea that romantic love is “more” or “better” or “more important” than platonic love. Romantic love is not inherently more, society puts it that way, doesn’t mean it’s right! Romantic and platonic love are different, romance is not the “promotion” of friendship, it just isn’t. (One could be alloromantic and value friendship more, even though our society tends to make this invalid. Just understand that, because to you, romance might be more, it’s just a “you” thing. Not the same for everyone, not “the right way to see things”).

Stop saying “love” when you only mean “romance”. Romance is not the only kind of love. Family, friends, community, and many others! They’re just as beautiful. “Romantic love” is perfectly accurate. At least we know what you’re talking about, isn’t it even better? 

Consider and value your friends. Seriously. Honestly, that’s some general advice, not really aro related but it’s still relevant. You won’t go through life with romantic love only. I feel like it needs to be said, sadly.

Try to be generally aware of our existence. No, not all aces are aro, and vice versa. That much is true. However, a great part of the community is aroace. While consuming media, try to recognize arophobia, hurtful amatonormative* tropes, or even when characters could be read as aro/are heavily implied to be.

Aces have more awareness than aros! (Even though it’s still ridiculously low) Don’t tag “aro” for ace only stuff, that’s rude :’) (yeah, it still happens A LOT) It’s taking space in our tags and confuses kids so, not nice. We deserve some space for us too.

Challenge amatonormativity*! Tell your friends you love and value them. Don’t cancel on them because your datemate asked something at the last minute (general again I guess, but again, it needs to be said). Don’t pester us with romance all the time.

“IRL” stuff maybe? If you have aro friends. Respect our boundaries. Many of us (not all) are romance-repulsed. Respect that we can be comfortable when you talk about romance. Respect that we can only see that much of PDA before we’re uncomfortable. 

Also, let us enter talks about romance if we want to? If someone’s aro and romance neutral/positive…or don’t assume we don’t like some romantic story (real of fictional) just because we’re aro. Being outsiders to the toxic dating culture, we may be able to identify bad and toxic signs more easily. 

If we like to be physically affectionate, don’t take that as a “proof” we’re not really aro. Some of us like to do romantically-coded things with our friends. We just don’t feel them as romantic.

QPR (Queer/Quasiplatonic relationships) are a thing. Platonic marriages are a thing. 

If you’re a shipper, don’t yell at us when we ship platonically characters you ship romantically. Please stop.

Be there when we crumble because of arophobia. Some days are really rough. To sum it up: don’t treat us the way acephobes treat you. We have many things in common, even in the way the prejudice against us shows (does that make sense?)

“Why does it matter?” you ask. Because yesterday, I ended up in tears because or arophobia. Because people treat me totally normally when I say I’m ace (yeah, I have many ace friends so it’s seen as kinda normal in my friend group), but look at me like I’m a monster the minute I say I’m aro. Because people, confusing love and romance, tell me I don’t know how to love, when I was sacrificing everything for them just the day before. Just because one time, I wasn’t able to help, I lose all my worth because I lack romantic attraction. Because someone I called a friend harassed me for weeks after I came out, because it wasn’t possible, and apparently wrong of me.

Because my love is dismissed, because I only have one friend who supports the aro part of me (she’s ace!) and I can’t help but feel so grateful when it should be normal. Because people tell me I’m boring because I’m aro, because I’m seen as a waste because of my identity (this one, both for being aro and ace), because people tell me it’s sad I won’t ever be happy. Because I obviously can’t be without romance. It should sadly sound familiar to alloro aces…

Just like we aren’t less because of our lack of sexual attraction, aros aren’t less because of the lack of romantic attraction. Both communities have so much in common but are throwing each other under the bus, and it’s making my situation, as an aroace, really…othering and distressing.

(*Little add if needed : Amatonormativity is “the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types”)

I’m sorry for this very long…rant? I just feel really, really frustrated right now. The Jughead thing was just the straw that broke the camel for me because it’s such great representation, and it did address aphobia, although lightly in a great way. Please note that this is just my perspective, other aroaces probably don’t feel the same way! 

Thank you for reading, and, @mods, thank you for the post you made about us being allowed to be angry. It means a lot. Again, it’s a long and moody post, so I understand if you just want to delete! It’s an ace blog after all, I don’t want to flood it with aro issues (:

[gilberthampton]

OC memes from vent

im in class idc 🎆 40 too specific 🎆 fictionkin questions created by @.nyasori 🌙 Your kin of choice: 🔥nia rosewell 🔥 Turned OC meme and im sorry 🌙 1. If you could punch one person from your canon in the face right now, who would it be? JAHHJSJND her older brother 🌙 2. Do you like your hairstyle from your canon or would you rather have a different one? permanently unsatisfied w her hair but never changes it till post cain drama and then she goes full out, gets a magical girl bun cut, dyes her hair pink n loves it. basically an Important Haircut bc she's done being stuck in the past 🌙 3. If you had to prepare a lunchbox for your kintype, what would be in it? Lunchbox - homemade but somehow perfect anyway, everything is in it, packed till it's full, lots of sweets and snacks 🌙 4. If your kintype would be an animal, which one would they be? hummingbird. or wait, a bunny 🌙 5. Your kintype suddenly rules a kingdom. What is the first thing they would do? she's dreamed about being a princess but has no idea how to actually run a kingdom so.. enjoy the good life, proceed to freak out when pressured to make heavy choices 🌙 6. Who's your kintype's best friend? Why? alice n mina n nia r Squad 🌙 7. What's your least favourite ship involving your kintype? Why? the person she hates the most is.. odin 🌙 8. What was the very first memory you've gotten from your canon? 🌙 9. What do people think of the media you're from? Is it popular or obscure? 🌙 10. What was your kintypes relationship with their parents/guardians? she loves them dearly but probably subconsciously pushes all the blame on them bc they didn't do a very good job stopping odin from hitting her when she was younger 🌙 11. What would your kintypes Myers-Briggs personality type be? INFP 🌙 12. Someone insults your kintype badly. How do they react? she criesssssssss and cries and gets all self conscious and her instinct is to go to other people so they can pity her and make her feel better. gets all shy around the person afterwards. if she thinks about it too long she starts crying again 🌙 13. If/When they were in school, how good were they? Would they be a nerdy outsider, a social butterfly or something different? a friendly but fragile classmate. that one girl who always wears frilly dresses. probably cries at least once a day, easily excited but just as easily upset, mediocre with grades. 🌙 14. If your kintype was in a classic RPG, what would their class be? ranger / long distance 🌙 15. What is the most obscure or funny memory you have as them? 🌙 16. You suddenly switch roles with your kintype. How well would they handle your life? she'd miss her friends but she's kind of easy to get along with! so like, normal. probably would not like my parents at all 🌙 17. If someone tried to hit on your kintype, what would they have to say to make their heart melt? just compliment her -- anything 🌙 18. Does your kintype have any strange hidden talent that wasn't mentioned officially? she's double jointed ? 🌙 19. How would your kintype react to someone confessing their love to them? blushy, nervous, flattered, so happy she could cry, 100% ready to kiss even if she doesn't reciprocate. If she likes someone else, though, she'll inevitably turn u down. (Looking for that perfect manga romance) 🌙 20. If you could ask the creator of your canon's media one question, which would it be? get a life? 🌙 21. What is the most obscure ship you've ever seen your kintype in? 🌙 22. What is your kintype's zodiac sign? Does it fit? ill figure out their birthdays sometime, okay 🌙 23. If they had an elemental alignment (fire, air, water, earth), which one would it be? water 🌙 24. Your kintype and their best friend get stranded on a lonely island. What would they do? FREAK OUT and probably be a useless baby bc her friends r too nice to tell her to stop whining 🌙 25. Has your kintype experienced any trauma? If yes, did it affect their personality? in her childhood. odin didn't really understand other people's point of view, and he would grow harsher and harsher with his younger sister bc he couldn't fathom _why_ she would be so upset about things, and he would get furious. oh yeah. has a lot of unresolved anxiety and memory issues, scared to death of her brother, whatever 🌙 26. Do you share any physical traits with your kintype? ugh... Nah? 🌙 27. Who's your kintypes biggest enemy? Why? 🌙 28. Does your kintype do any morally questionable things? How do they justify it? she gets too caught up in things and gets kind of stalkery-ish, guilt trippy and passive aggressive without realizing it. her defense is that she doesn't do it on purpose, which is true, but it doesn't excuse her from it. 🌙 29. If your kintype was at a party, what would they do? start messing around with her friends. or shyly look around for her crush the whole night. if she doesn't know anyone, she's mostly in the bg, but being around people she's comfortable with influences her into a louder state 🌙 30. What is the favourite season of your kintype? spring 🌙 31. What does the name of your kintype mean? Where is it from? "Nia is a feminine given name with multiple origins. It is a Welsh variant of Niamh, an Irishname meaning 'bright.' It is also a Swahili Name meaning 'will.'" Basically i just chose it from a list bc it sounds nice. though it _is_ her nickname? 🌙 32. What did your kintype do if they were sad, exhausted or angry? 🌙 33. If your kintype would have a pokemon type, which one(s) would it be? grass fairy 🌙 34. Were they in a romantic relationship with someone? What did other people think of it? she was crushing hard on cain and (unnamed) for the longest time, but cain fucked her up pretty badly. gets a crush on milo and they start dating after a VERY LONG TIME. their friends find it cute and they're like, took u long enough!!! outsiders find it weird bc they're so different in personality?? 🌙 35. How quick were they able to form bonds? Why? probably really quickly bc she's friendly and chipper and ^____^ 24/7, but i feel like she also gets on people's nerves. so True friendships, eh, casual school friendships, lots 🌙 36. Does the fandom ever misinterpret your kintypes? 🌙 37. Do your canon and the official canon match up? If not, what are the differences? 🌙 38. Did your kintype ever feel guilty about something they did? Why? i think she blabs too much and is too loud and not considerate enough of other people -- which can irritate and hurt them. she definitely feels some regret for that 🌙 39. In what ways do you act like or relate to your kintype? we're both sensitive and cries, we love cute shit, uhhhhcffggh i don't know i put a little bit of me into every oc 🌙 40. Finally - tell us a fun fact about your kintype that not many people know! she's obsessed w anime shit Tagging: YOU i think i did this meme for Alice already ┌··┤ oc survey ├··┐ ┗• made by @jem •┛ do not _edit_ or _remove_ the credit please ! fill out this survey for your original characters using this symbol ( ● ) to indicate what applies and specify if you wish ! http://name : mina discofever http://age : 16 http://birthdate : 2/14/01 http://height : 5'6 http://gender ○ male ● female ○ other: ________ http://sexuality ○ gay ○ lesbian ● bisexual ○ pansexual ○ aromantic/asexual ○ other: _______ THERE'S NO HET OPTION DNDNNFNDNF http://hairstyle ○ short ○ pixie ○ bob ○ shoulder-length ○ elbow-length ● hip length or + ○ other : _______ http://hair http://texture ● straight ● wavy ○ curled ○ very curled ○ other: _______ http://eye http://colour ○ brown ○ hazel ○ blue ○ green ○ gray ● other : pink http://body http://type ○ muscular ○ toned ● average ○ scrawny ● curvy ○ overweight ○ other : _______ http://skin http://tone ○ pale ● fair ○ golden ○ tan ○ dark ○ other : _______ http://markings ● scars ○ tattoos ○ piercings ○ beauty marks ○ other : _______ http://posture ● upright ○ neutral ○ slouched http://face http://shape ○ round ○ oval ● heart ○ square ○ long ○ other : _______ http://direct http://family ● mother(s) ● father(s) ● brother(s) ○ sister(s) ○ son(s) ○ daughter(s) ○ other : _______ http://strong http://point ○ brute force ○ agility ● stamina ○ intelligence ● wisdom ● charm http://weak http://point ○ brute force ● agility ○ stamina ● intelligence like she's not DUMB she's just bad at school ○ wisdom ○ charm http://perceptiveness ○ oblivious ○ dull ○ average ● sharp ○ mind-reader http://speech ○ vulgar ● basic ● average ○ polite ○ educated ○ pretentious ○ other : _______ http://education http://level ○ less than high school ● high school ○ college ○ masters ○ PhD ○ other : _______ http://moral http://code ○ self-interest ● universal law ○ religious ○ other : _______ http://preferred http://environment ● big city ○ small town ○ suburbs ○ arid desert ● woods or rainforest ● mountains ● open fields ● beach ○ the confines of hell ○ other : _______ http://residence ○ dorms ○ city house ● suburban house ○ mansion or manor ○ trailer ○ farmhouse ○ other : _______ http://housemates ● family member(s) ● friend(s) ○ landlord/lady ○ none ○ other : _______ http://mode http://of http://transport ● public transport ○ taxi ● motorcycle or scooter ○ car ○ other : _______ http://preferred http://drink ○ water ○ alcohol ● natural juice ○ coffee or tea ○ carbonated drinks ○ other : _______ http://preferred http://food ● sweets ○ meats ● fruits ○ vegetables ○ carbohydrates ○ other : _______ http://social http://class ○ ○ ○ ● ○ ○ ○ low middle high http://affection http://for http://others ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ● ○ low middle high http://social http://interaction ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ● ○ low middle high http://favourite http://genre ○ comedy ● romance ● thriller or horror ● mystery ○ science fiction or fantasy ○ contemporary ○ historical ○ literary ● action or adventure ○ drama or tragedy ○ other : _______ http://criminal http://record ● underage drinking ○ drunk driving ○ assault or arson ○ manslaughter ○ murder or attempted murder OKAY SHE'S NOT A MURDERER BUT TOTALLY IN ANOTHER AU ○ protest or activism ○ false accusations ○ _nothing they can prove_ ○ other : _______ http://learning http://style ○ nature ○ music ○ numbers ○ people ○ self ○ picture ○ language ○ body i don't know what this means http://deadly http://sin ○ pride ○ wrath ○ gluttony ○ greed ● envy ○ sloth ○ lust http://heavenly http://virtue ○ humility ○ patience ○ temperance ○ charity ● kindness ○ diligence ○ chastity http://self http://discipline ○ what is that ○ no ○ when it suits them ● decent ○ intense http://creativity ○ ○ ● ○ ○ ○ ○ low high Will's more of a thinker so she leaves it to him http://cleanliness ○ ○ ○ ● ○ ○ ○ low middle high http://usual http://outfit ○ formal ● casual ○ lazy ● sporty ○ other : _______ http://likeability ○ non-existent ○ when they attempt ○ pretty okay ● cool person(tm) ○ god-like http://luck ○ ○ ○ ○ ● ○ ○ low middle high http://common http://fears ○ spiders or insects ○ wild animals ○ darkness ● death ● ridicule ● abandonment ○ other : how enjoyable was this survey ? ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ● bad good 🐌🐌🐌 ┏ ┓ ♚ another kin meme ♚ ↳ created by @.mut4nt don't remove credit ┗ ┛ tagged by: MYSELF ♞ if you don't want to or can't answer a question, skip it and please don't delete it! ♞ ┏ ┓ ♚ about your kin/id ♚ ┗ ┛ • kin/id of choice • ↳ milo zersuit. his last name is just so bad and i tried to make a samus reference but it's just so bad • canon of said kin/id • ↳ merrverse • gender + sexuality of said kin/id • ↳ I... THEY'RE ALL STRAGIHTH HORRIBLE BOYS • age of said kin/id • ↳ 16 • emoji used to define said kin/id • ↳ 🎹 • emojis that remind you of them • ↳ 😴💤🥀🌿🌌🌃⚓⌚🌒🌚☔🎑🏒⚙️ • favorite canonmate(s) • ↳ he hates everyone but nia. probably is somewhat amused by prince • favorite places in your canon • ↳ • your kin/id's aesthetic • ↳ blue, blinding lights that seem so bright as night swirls around you; the breath of a sunset and the melancholy that follows with it; glow aesthetic street signs; gas stations at 2 am; unopened cigarettes and broken promises and the cold hand of someone you once loved in yours in the dead of winter; winter but no snow; winter but no glory... • songs that remind you of your kin/id • ↳ do i wanna know - artic monkeys • colors that remind you of your kin/id • ↳ all shades of blue, a never pure white • favorite item(s) from your canon • ↳ he cherishes his hoodies • favorite memory • ↳ • have you met any canonmates? • ↳ • do you want to meet canonmates? • ↳ ┏ ┓ ♚ this / that ♚ ┗ ┛ • coke or pepsi • ↳ coke • dog person or cat person • ↳ cat • pop music or rock music • ↳ neither, but probably rock • morning or evening person • ↳ evening • sweet or savory • ↳ savory • stay at home or always on the go • ↳ stay at home man.. • introvert or extrovert • ↳ introvert • wine or beer • ↳ he doesn't drink, but would probably like wine • super strength or super speed • ↳ s.....peed • always bored or always tired • ↳ oh my god both. mostly tired • chocolate or lollipops • ↳ chocolate • pulp or no pulp • ↳ he is a straight up pulp hater • video games or board games • ↳ vidya games • sneakers or flip flops • ↳ sneakers • snapbacks or baseball caps • ↳ ugh, I dunno • black or white • ↳ white • mountains or beaches • ↳ mountains • pasta or rice • ↳ rice • sports cars or trucks • ↳ he doesn't really care for cars but probably sports? • piano or guitar • ↳ PIANO , that's like his only talent • hot weather or cold weather • ↳ cold • laid back or strict • ↳ laid back strictness • melee weapons or long distance • ↳ long distance • gemstones or metal • ↳ gemstones • sarcastic or sincere • ↳ sarcastic • galaxies or planets • ↳ planets • easily excited or easily tired • ↳ HE HAS DEPRESSION ♚ tagging ♚ ↳ youuu "merr for the last time stop doing more kin memes and changing them to oc memes" y'all mind if i just ┏ ┓ ♚ another kin meme ♚ ↳ created by @.mut4nt don't remove credit ┗ ┛ tagged by: i stole this from dave ♞ if you don't want to or can't answer a question, skip it and please don't delete it! ♞ ┏ ┓ ♚ about your kin/id ♚ ┗ ┛ • kin/id of choice • ↳ colton scott but im definitely changing his name so it's alliterative. ive been reading a lot of scott pilgrim • canon of said kin/id • ↳ uhhh.. merrverse • gender + sexuality of said kin/id • ↳ he's cis. and has never been really knowledgeable to consider *gasp* dating another guy?!!!!?? • age of said kin/id • ↳ i tend to set them all around 16 • emoji used to define said kin/id • ↳ 🎸 as it is this guitar kind of annoys me but shdbdbd • emojis that remind you of them • ↳ ✌️💫👔🌻🌆✨🎖️⚽🎮🎸🎹🎧🖱️💿 i hate him • favorite canonmate(s) • ↳ HE LOVES HIS GF VERY MUCH OBVS...colton has a different social group outside of the main cast but he likes most of them, sure. • favorite places in your canon • ↳ probably his garage/room • your kin/id's aesthetic• - it's really really indie rock... half assed music; the obvious plucking of a guitar, and less than perfect perfectness; a bunch of lyrics on aesthetic images; bruised limbs, knuckles; contemplating your life past the normal extent a teenager should go • songs that remind you of your kin/id • ↳ ......indie rock bands THAT ONE SONG by the artic monkeys, the strokes, front bottoms • colors that remind you of your kin/id • ↳ a darker yellow-y green • favorite item(s) from your canon • ↳ 🎸🎧🎮 • favorite memory • ↳ AJAHAJS I DON'T KNOW • have you met any canonmates? • ↳ • do you want to meet canonmates? • ↳ ┏ ┓ ♚ this / that ♚ ┗ ┛ • coke or pepsi • ↳ i feel coke but he likes sweet things so...Hmm • dog person or cat person • ↳ DOG • pop music or rock music • ↳ rock ajsjjs • morning or evening • ↳ evening • sweet or savory • ↳ sweet • stay at home or always on the go • ↳ he's sociable and friendly but i feel like he'd spend a lot of time by himself • introvert or extrovert • ↳ introverted extrovert