#art is worth making and receiving because you are alive

[imsobadatnicknames2]

We still haven't heard back from my husband's family

(UPDATE: We have received confirmation that they're alive, however they have no electricity or phone signal, and the hurricane blew off a large part of the roof of their house. Their extended family from out of the city is going to try to take two weeks worth of groceries to them. We're going to be sending all money we can to them as soon as we can)

I'm really sorry to make this post because I've already asked for help with stuff earlier this year but... I really have no option. We haven't heard from my husband's family in Acapulco since hurricane Otis hit, and we're starting to get really worried. Even if they're alive, their house might have been damaged/destroyed because material damages to the city were terrible.

In case we don't hear from them soon, he wants to be able to travel back to mexico and try to check up in person. In case we hear back from them soon, he wants to be able to send them money to support themselves through the aftermath of the disaster.

However, we're just barely making ends meet ourselves and we don't really have the money to afford a plane flight on such short notice, so he's opening up emergency donations/commissions. His art blog is @uxrabbit , abd here's the link to his commissions post on YCH. Please help us out if you can, we don't know what to do...

Here are his paypal and ko-fi accounts

https://ko-fi.com/mattomattitto

paypal.me/UnluckyRabbit

[learnyouabiology]

Fun Fact: Hognose snakes are dramatic lil guys!

I am particularly fond of the snakes known as hognose snakes, and my reasons are both understandable and correct.

This is a hognose snake:

(They received their name by having the sweetest lil snoot to ever require a boop – image source)

They use these adorable snoots to burrow under sandy soil using a sort of nuzzle-y motion. They then use these burrows as a place to sleep at night, hibernate in the winter, and lay their eggs. 

(you could say they’re into... the Underground Scene! ...ok yeah i’ll show myself out – image source)

Plus, they come in a variety of delightful colours!

We've got brown! Beige! Yellow! Black! Red! Orange! Tan! Kinda greenish! Orange again!

(pretty sneks! – Here’s all the image sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

And, to be clear, the snakes pictured above are wild snakes. No selective breeding by humans in these noodly bois! At least, not in these specific individuals. probably. I guess a few of them could be escapees... 

But most importantly: These snakes know the true meaning of DRAMA

Hognose snakes are actors, first and foremost. When they feel threatened, the first thing they do is puff out their neck into a hood. 

(like cobras, this hood is made by FLEXING THEIR NECK RIBS. which: gross – image source x)

This superficially makes them look like a cobra, but what they’re actually trying to do is make themselves seem bigger, and therefore scarier. Possibly those dark spots on their neck helps with that! 

Any resemblance to real-life Eurasian cobras, real or fictional, is purely coincidental

Also, it makes its mouth do this:

(Snakes that SCREAAAAAAAM. – image source)

honestly, if I didn’t already know that hognose snakes were harmless, this would ABSOLUTELY make me leave it the hell alone 

But if all of that^ is unsuccessful at scaring away the predator, the hognose snake pulls its signature move: playing dead

If you think that is a lame signature move, then you are wrong, because hognose snakes put EVERYTHING into their performance and I love them for it.

(they’re serious, they’ll do it!  – image source)

((I’m actually going to stick the rest of this under a read-more, bc the pictures of the alive-and-physically-fine hognose snakes do kind of look like a legitimately-dead hognose snake, if you don’t know what to look for. 

So, uh: cw for a snake being too good at pretending to be dead))

Behold: a series of completely healthy, unharmed snakes!!!

(to help with their self-esteem, we ask that you at least pretend to believe that they are dead – image sources 1, 2, 3, 4)

Honestly, the photos don’t do it justice. Here’s my favourite video of the whole wonderous performance: 

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But to review:

There's writhing! There's dramatic noises! There's flipping onto their back and opening their mouth wide and letting their tongue hang out! There's excreting a combination of  intentionally smelly substances!!! Truly a master of the art of being left the hell alone (*^▽^*)

(yep. deeeeefinitely dead. not just faking it. nothing worth eating here! – image source)

Personally, my favourite part of this is how they insist on rolling onto their back, even when they are rolled back onto their stomach. 

Seriously, if you try to roll them right-side-up, they will flip back over. It's as though they believe that a good, proper dead snek MUST be on its back, obviously.

(truly fearsome – image source)

Sadly, the hognose snake may have made itself too scary, according to humans.

Out of fear, these snakes are commonly killed on sight 😔. I once heard someone proudly brag about how they’d killed a dozen cobras! In southern Ontario! Where cobras do not live! This is both extremely frustrating and deeply sad.

(safe enough to hold! although maybe don’t, just because this snake IS probably experiencing mortal fear, which is not a good feeling – image source © Dean Stavrides)

So just to highlight: hognose snakes are completely harmless. They’re just pretending to be fearsome!

(not that people should be killing venomous snakes either, imo. Let the danger noodles LIVE THEIR LIVES)

(i is baybee, pls do not hurt me – image source)

And now some bonus facts to help raise us out of that downer:

Hognose snakes are toad specialists! Their favourite food is toads, which is unusual, because toads are poisonous. Hognose snakes deal with this by force of will and also, at least two amino acid substitutions, maybe (Mohammadi et al. 2016). Possibly a few other things help with this, also (Feldman et al. 2016).

(is snek eat toad? or does toad wearing cape of snek? impossible to tell, really – image source)

Also, I have a confession: hognose snakes... are venomous. Technically.

(itty bitty little fangs at the veeeeery back of their mouth!  – image source)

They are known as rear-fanged snakes, which means they have fangs aaaall the way at the back of their mouth. The venom they produce seems to be toad-specific, and is considered to be harmless to humans unless you happen to have an allergy but that's the exception rather than the rule

(the two hognose species. They are both baybee, but in different ways actually there might be more than two species but these are the two i’ve actually learned about so ALL WELL   – image source)

Also, hognose snakes are big cowards NOT aggressive and I've never even heard of anyone getting bit by a one (outside of one feeding mishap, which we can all agree was an ACCIDENT). 

The series of events that would need to occur for you to be envenomated are so unlikely and bizarre that I assume you would have to be TRYING to get bit.

This has been Fun Fact Friday, bringing you the forbidden noodly boys to try and keep them a little more safe!

.....................................................................

Sources, because I know me and SO DO YOU:

Averill-Murray, R. C. (2006). Natural history of the western hog-nosed snake (Heterodon nasicus) with notes on envenomation. Sonoran Herpetologist, 19(9), 98-101.

Buchanan, Scott W.; Timm, Brad C.; Cook, Robert P.; Couse, Richard; Hazard, Lisa C. (2017). Spatial ecology and habitat selection of eastern hognose snakes. The Journal of Wildlife Management, 81(3), 509–520. doi:10.1002/jwmg.21218 

CHS: Canadian Herpetological Society https://canadianherpetology.ca/species/species_page.html?cname=Eastern%20Hog-nosed%20Snake

COSEWIC. 2021. COSEWIC assessment and status report on the Eastern Hog-nosed Snake Heterodon platirhinos in Canada. Committee on the Status of Endangered Wildlife in Canada. Ottawa. xi + 45 pp.  https://www.canada.ca/en/environment-climate-change/services/species-risk-public-registry/cosewic-assessments-status-reports/eastern-hog-nosed-snake-2021.html

Cunnington, G. M., & Cebek, J. E. (2005). Mating and nesting behavior of the eastern hognose snake (Heterodon platirhinos) in the northern portion of its range. The American midland naturalist, 154(2), 474-478.

Feldman, C. R., Durso, A. M., Hanifin, C. T., Pfrender, M. E., Ducey, P. K., Stokes, A. N., ... & Brodie Jr, E. D. (2016). Is there more than one way to skin a newt? Convergent toxin resistance in snakes is not due to a common genetic mechanism. Heredity, 116(1), 84-91. 

 Jared, C., Luiz Mailho‐Fontana, P., & Maria Antoniazzi, M. (2021). Differences between poison and venom: An attempt at an integrative biological approach. Acta Zoologica, 102(4), 337-350.

Liu, C., Chen, Y., Zheng, Y., Bo, J., Yang, C., Xu, S., & Zhang, S. (2022). Wear Resistance Improvement of Keeled Structure and Overlapped Distribution of Snake Scales. Journal of Bionic Engineering, 1-11. Citing abstract.

Mohammadi, S., Gompert, Z., Gonzalez, J., Takeuchi, H., Mori, A., & Savitzky, A. H. (2016). Toxin-resistant isoforms of Na+/K+-ATPase in snakes do not closely track dietary specialization on toads. Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 283(1842), 20162111. 

 Nature Conservancy of Canada: https://www.natureconservancy.ca/en/what-we-do/resource-centre/featured-species/reptiles-and-amphibians/eastern-hog-nosed-snake.html

Plummer, M. V., & Mills, N. E. (1996). Observations on trailing and mating behaviors in hognose snakes (Heterodon platirhinos). Journal of Herpetology, 30(1), 80-82.

Rouse, Jeremy D.; Willson, Robert J.; Black, Ron; Brooks, Ronald J.  (2011). Movement and Spatial Dispersion of Sistrurus catenatus and Heterodon platirhinos: Implications for Interactions with Roads. Copeia, 2011(3), 443–456. doi:10.1643/ce-09-036     

Seburn, D. 2008. Recovery Strategy for the Eastern Hog-nosed Snake (Heterodon platirhinos) in Canada. Species at Risk Act Recovery Strategy Series. Parks Canada Agency, Ottawa. vi + 24pp.

Schwartz, V. & D. Golden (2002). Field Guide to Reptiles and Amphibians of New Jersey. New Jersey Division of Fish and Wildlife

VHS: Virginia herpetological society http://www.virginiaherpetologicalsociety.com/reptiles/snakes/eastern-hog-nosed-snake/eastern_hognose_snake.php#:~:text=Heterodon%20is%20derived%20from%20the%20Greek%20words%20heteros,meaning%20%22broad%20or%20flat%22%20and%20rhinos%20meaning%20%22snout%22

Young, R. A. (1992). Effects of Duvernoy's gland secretions from the eastern hognose snake, Heterodon platirhinos, on smooth muscle and neuromuscular junction. Toxicon, 30(7), 775-779. https://doi.org/10.1016/0041-0101(92)90013-U

Young, B. A., & Morain, M. (2003). Vertical burrowing in the Saharan sand vipers (Cerastes). Copeia, 2003(1), 131-137.

SARA: threatened https://www.canada.ca/en/environment-climate-change/services/species-risk-public-registry.html

[scoobydoodean]

Okay, now that I have finished 4.16 "On The Head of A Pin", it's time for a Uriel post, because Uriel makes a whole lot of sense and I don't think he gets enough credit for it.

Supernatural starts out introducing us to only three angels: Cas, Uriel, and Anna. And all of them are feeling or have felt the effects of heaven's iron fist—heaven's desire to control their lives, their thoughts, and all of their actions. Anna has already rebelled and fallen, and Cas AND Uriel are having serious doubts—doubts they are afraid to really speak to each other about candidly. We see this starting in 4.07.

In 4.07 "It's The Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester", Uriel and Cas were given orders to tell Dean to leave so they could smite the town and keep the seal from being broken by Samhain's rise. However, their true orders were not to intervene or force Dean to leave. If Dean refused to leave town or wanted to follow another path, they had orders to stand by and watch it happen.

Cas is ultimately pretty okay with this, because he had severe reservations about smiting the town and was troubled to think that could truly be heaven's will. He prayed that Dean would choose to save the town, but he's also aware of the "ends justify the means" angle, and thinks maybe he can't see the full picture and god can, so he can kind of... see both sides and maybe how all those lives were worth the seal from another perspective. This whole thing leaves him troubled... but Uriel is far more troubled.

Uriel thinks they should have wiped the town off the map, and he makes his resentment very clear—calls humans "Savages, just plumbing on two legs". He is certain that Dean will fail, and they will lose this seal, because humans are weak and stupid. And Sam and Dean do end up failing to prevent Samhain's rise—so his perspective is reinforced. He's angry that he's at the mercy of a human—someone he doesn't respect—and heaven is just letting this happen. He's furious about these orders that simply make no sense... but he can't talk to anyone about it—not even really Cas. When Uriel starts bad-mouthing humans, Cas warns him that he's close to blasphemy... and then Uriel actually suggests that they defy their orders. We know from Anna that this is an offense punishable by DEATH. What Uriel's suggesting is a HUGE deal. It's dangerous to even say it out loud.

The thing is, I don't think that Uriel is actually working for Lucifer yet in 4.07. In fact, we know he isn't working for Lucifer yet in 4.07 because he's very clear that he wants to prevent the seal being broken at all costs—to the point he's considering disobedience! I think Uriel deciding to work to free Lucifer is something that happens between 4.10 "Heaven and Hell" and 4.16 "On The Head of A Pin", as Uriel wrestles with his doubt in god and heaven with no one he can truly confide in without risking literal death.

CASTIEL: And any rate, it’s out of our hands. URIEL: It doesn’t have to be. CASTIEL: And what would you suggest? URIEL: That we drag Dean Winchester out of here and then we blow this insignificant pinprick off the map. CASTIEL: You know our true orders. Are you prepared to disobey?

Cas's words are as good as a threat—and Uriel recognizes them as such. He stares at Cas and goes silent, scared to say another word at the risk that Cas will report him or try to smite him.

I think Uriel is aware that Cas also has doubts and confusion about their orders, and that's why he hopes and tries to confide in Cas about his frustrations in 4.07—but the big difference between Uriel and Cas is that Uriel resents humanity like Lucifer did, while Cas loves humanity. Cas calls humanity "works of art" at the end of this episode, and their placement in the park in this scene, and later, Cas and Dean's placement in the park at the end of the episode—is a nod to the comfort that Cas—like Dean—receives from knowing these humans are alive because Dean refused to leave—whether they lost the seal or not! So Cas isn't going to be budged on this. Uriel is suggesting they disobey in a way that Cas wouldn't choose even if he was willing to consider disobedience to heaven at this point (which he isn't—he won't start considering disobeying until 4.16).

There's a fascinating deleted scene (deleted scene 2 here) in 4.10 where Uriel again vents his frustrations with heaven's bizarre orders to Cas. Once again, things haven't gone their way, and Uriel thinks Sam is responsible for part of it. But Cas says the order's come down from heaven that they aren't allowed to touch Sam—and then Uriel says he'll kill Ruby at least—only for Cas to say they aren't allowed to harm her either. Uriel is furious, and again Cas proves to be a very dangerous person to confide in:

URIEL You're joking! CASTIEL I don't joke. URIEL You mean we can't hunt a demon?! What's going on up there?! CASTIEL Clearly, they feel she has a part to play. URIEL It's crap. It's crap! And, you-- Forget about it! CASTIEL You are proposing disobedience. Like Anna. You know what I'll have to do.

Why is heaven defending demons? Why is heaven leaving the choice on how to handle breaking seals in the hand of a defiant human with no sense of the big picture? Uriel enjoyed getting a chance to wail on Dean in 4.10. He said he'd enjoy it—partly because of Dean's defiant attitude, but I also I think because Dean represents that first broken seal—he represents humanity's weakness (Uriel hates Dean for breaking—we know this from the end of 4.07 when he tells Sam he can knock Dean down a peg by asking him about Hell). He is no righteous man—Uriel doesn't believe in him for an instant. Heaven's orders are cryptic and confusing which already gives Uriel doubts in heaven's competence... but even worse, Dean's defiance reinforces that Heaven is the losing side here. They aren't going to stop the seals from breaking—not if this is their righteous man... someone who can't even follow orders—the one thing Heaven demands above all. If Uriel showed a fourth of the defiance Dean did, he'd be killed on the spot, but this human gets to mouth off to Uriel and there are no consequences.

So sometime between 4.10 and 4.16, Uriel begins disobeying. Uriel hates Dean—that's been made clear many times. But in 4.16, suddenly, Uriel responds to Dean's defiance toward heaven's orders with a laugh instead of threats and anger. He says,

Ah, this one just won't quit, will he? I think I'm starting to like you, boy.

Why the turn around on his feelings about Dean? Because between 4.10 and 4.16, Uriel started acting on his doubts and encouraging other angels to join him in disobedience. He started working to free Lucifer... so now, when he looks at Dean's defiance, he feels a kinship—he allows himself to feel recognition of his own resentment toward heaven—his own defiance of heaven's senseless orders. That certainly doesn't mean he likes Dean now (he's still plotting to kill him—now for the purposes of freeing Lucifer) but the defiance that infuriated him before is now... validating.

URIEL Not murders, Castiel. No. My work is conversion. How long have we waited here? How long have we played this game by rules that make no sense? CASTIEL It is our father's world, Uriel. URIEL Our father? He stopped being that, if he ever was, the moment he created them. Humanity, his favorites. This whining, puking larva.

Uriel hates humans, and he remembers Lucifer as someone who stood up to heaven.

URIEL You do remember him? How strong he was? How beautiful? And he didn't bow to humanity. He was punished for defending us. Now, if you want to believe in something, Cas, believe in him.

Uriel didn't really want to kill the other angels? He doesn't want to kill Cas in 4.16 either. He killed the angels who wouldn't join him because if he didn't, they'd reveal his disobedience and he'd be killed.

So through Anna, and Cas, and Uriel—we see the impact of heaven's senseless orders and brainwashing—the effects of the cult-like environment they're in and how each one doubts, and then eventually rebels. Anna rebels first, then Uriel... and next will be Cas. And what's interesting, is that in 4.16, Cas straight up tells Anna that he's considering disobedience, and then begs her to tell him what to do. I mentioned before that a part of Cas (in season 4) finds comfort in choices being out of his hands when he has doubts. Anna tells him to think for himself. But then right after that, Uriel asks Cas to join him... and Cas won't even consider it. So why? Cas is terrified to fall, but he's starting to think maybe he has to, and then Uriel gave him an opportunity and he said "no"—and he said no because, just like we saw in 4.07, Cas is in love with humanity. He could never align himself with Uriel and Lucifer, because they hate the humans Cas loves. In season 4, Cas's understanding of his love for humanity is primitive—he associates it with his love for god, as if he loves humanity only because they're his father's creations. He reiterates this sort of framing when Uriel is pummeling him in 4.16.

CASTIEL You can't win, Uriel. I still serve God. URIEL You haven't even met the man. There is no will. No wrath. No God.

Uriel is right about god—but then Anna steps up behind him and stabs him through the throat—and says:

ANNA Maybe. Or maybe not. But there's still me.

Anna, the angel who fell to earth and became human—tells us "there is still me". Anna—who, like Cas, is in love with humanity. There is no god, but there are still angels in love with humanity.

[mishydraws]

Very... very unfortunate life update

Hi, everyone.

Ok, I don’t want to waste your time but I wanted to be upfront about what’s going on in my life just so you all know.

Last night I got what is probably one of the worst emails that could have ever appeared in my inbox? Our landlord has given us a 60-day notice to get out. For context, my mom and I have been living here since the year 2000. We have never been late on rent or missed a payment despite every difficulty life has thrown at us in that time and this has completely blindsided us.

We haven’t spoken to any of the neighbors yet but some of the wording on the notice makes me think that they may be kicking out the entire building. Or maybe they’re just targeting those of us in the non-renovated units because we’ve been here so long and they could charge a new tenant much more with a quick kitchen and bathroom upgrade. Renoviction is a new word I just learned. I don’t know. That’s what happened to my brother at his last apartment. They kicked out everyone in his building, renovated, raised the rent, then let new people move in.

They suddenly started increasing our rent every year like clockwork a few years ago so I’ve had a feeling they’ve been trying to price us out for a while but I didn’t know they could just… tell us to leave just because they can. Rent consistently paid up and everything for 24 years.

The notice we received really doesn’t say much so it’s all speculation I guess. It doesn’t state a reason why it just says we need to be gone by March 31st.

But basically, I’m really not doing well right now in all honesty. I slept for maybe an hour last night and it’s like a switch flipped in me as soon as I read the email. My stomach has had this weird knotted feeling ever since and I can’t stand up for more than a few minutes before needing to lie down again in case I either faint or vomit… I’m not sure which but it’s been this way since last night. I had to stand up at the sink to wash one singular dish from dinner and I could barely do it. At least I didn’t see the email until after I ate last night because I still have no appetite now.

However bad I’m feeling I know my mom is probably feeling worse. She has been for a while. She’s getting older and my dad is no longer alive. Aside from my brother and one irl friend I still see in person regularly, we have no family or other support system in this country and are well and truly on our own, staring down the barrel of homelessness if we can’t quickly secure a place and move decades worth of our life there before the end of March.

All of this to say, I don’t know what our usual art shenanigans here are going to look like during this time. I am incredibly stressed to the point where I am physically ill but I also can’t pause and step away because I do need the income that I receive from your support of me/my art here. It’s just the reality. I’ve never been particularly Big And Successful with what I do so your support means all the much more and makes a real impact on my life.

I am so sorry if this dampens your mood at all today or if you notice a decrease in the quality of art I’m able to deliver over the next few months but I will try my best to keep things rolling and let you know if there’s any particular delays to expect.

To top it off, I requested a tour of a nearby apartment last night (more expensive than our current) and the name of the person who just texted me back has the same name as our current landlord. Who wants to start taking bets? I know for a fact they own a lot of property in the area so this isn’t looking promising.

Anyways. Sorry for this downer of a post. If we’re not homeless in 2 months then… I dunno. I’ll have somewhere indoors to do art? Yay? You can imagine the housing market we’re dealing with being in California. The prospect of moving at this point has always been one of my biggest fears but we’ll see if we get lucky real fast 😢

If you've ever thought about supporting my Patreon or anything else, now and over the next few months might be a good time if you can swing it. Maybe it'll help us secure a place to move if I can point to it and be like 'Look! A whole income!' 🥲 Idk man.

There's an art update in the (public) post I made if you want to see what we're at least trying to work on for sticker club through all of this.

Mishy

[comatose--overdose]

Once you become an adult, half your time is spent signing your name on different papers and documents; as a CEO and extremely public figure, this is something Bruce knows very well. It's exactly why, for each of his children's 18th birthdays, he gives them a custom made, one of a kind fountain pen inspired by the child in question. Their name is engraved in real silver or gold (depending on the color scheme), and no one else will ever have a pen like it. It's theirs. It represents them. The design is intricate, elaborate, elegant... an incredible work of art, each and every one.

The looks on the faces of his children when they open it are always awestruck, their eyes misting up as Bruce tells them how he received his own pen on his 18th birthday, a gift from Alfred in Thomas Wayne's stead. A Wayne family tradition for generations.

It's more than just a pen, it's a claim, and a mark of respect for the people his children have grown into.

---

There's a red and black pen wrapped up neatly in a beautiful gift box in the drawer of the desk in Bruce's study. The box and the pen both bear the name 'Jason' in a delicate golden script. Every time he opens the drawer, it serves as a reminder to him that his baby didn't get to have an 18th birthday. He didn't even get a 16th. It sits next to the keys to the car Bruce bought for him, the one he does maintenance on regularly still, keeping it in top condition. He couldn't just not get them. It didn't matter that Jason wasn't there anymore to receive them. It mattered more what the gifts meant. At least he tries to tell himself that. It doesn't work. On some level he knows it was just a way to torture himself more. He's always had the most exquisite methods of self harm, ones he could always claim to be something else.

It just felt so wrong for him to give those gifts to the others, to have them made, but not for Jason.

---

Jason's back, thank everything that is good and wonderful, his Jaylad is alive, he's not dead, he's BACK!

......But the pen and the keys still sit in his desk drawer, because his boy hasn't come home, he doesn't know how to bring him home, he messes it up every time he tries. His words always have the wrong tone, they aren't even the right words--! He's trying, as well as he knows how to try, but he fumbles it constantly. He only succeeds in making Jason angry or worse, show that flash of hurt before he steels his spine, stiffens his upper lip, and erects the impenetrable wall he hides behind.

He misses his baby. That sweet little boy who was so shy and skittish at first and then blossomed into someone so affectionate and loving with just a little care and patience (and food). He misses the little carefree smiles, his proud grins when he'd aced a test, his petulant pouts when he was told to put a book away and go to sleep. His baby is there, he's alive, against all odds he's alive, but it feels like he's out of reach. Like there's a chasm between them and instead of crossing the bridge, he lit it instead, stood and watched as it burned and fell away into the abyss.

He wants to build another, but there's nothing of use, no materials left in the wasteland that surrounds them.

----

And Jason sees them, he sees Dick and Cass and Steph and Tim with their pens, the beauty and love and dedication that was put into each design; sees the car that Tim loves, the bikes Dick and Stephanie ride everywhere, knows the only reason Cass doesn't have one too is because she hates driving, and it burns. He's jealous, and hurt, and he'll never admit it. It's just another thing that makes him feel like he doesn't belong anymore. Like he shouldn't have come back at all. Everyone else has every bit of proof they could need that they're Waynes, and Jason is left on the outside looking in. He wants to go home. He wants to feel safe enough to go home. He wants to feel like he's worth fighting for. That he's worth protecting. That he's worth avenging.

But it's fine. He knows when he's not wanted.

[dangakkisland]

Veiled Hope (Beta: H.O.P.E) Concept art below

‹long post be warned (If you don't feel well to touch on subjects like death, corpses even if with not much detail I recomend watching after yourself and maybe pass this post for another time!)

For starters Veiled Hope was supposed to be called "H.O.P.E" or "E.S.P.E.R.A.N.Ç.A" As in the portuguese script I wrote for it, the "Veiled" part came from another work called "Veiled Shadows" which fused with H.O.P.E; One more reason for the name was because it was fully focused on Izuru after the Hope cultivation program jumping the entire part of the DESPAIR arc

Izuru's uniform is the same as Hajime's right now the only difference was the symbols being green spades rather than light-red diamonds (Notes from the images above: Always keep the card theme between Nagito, Hajime, and Chiaki, possibly could work with Makoto/Mitarai in the end but not when they don't know both his identity yet)‹ this is not followed anymore

[He was still Ryota Mitarai/Ryota Nanami instead of Mitarai Nanami, the change was because it just sounded way better and it flowed like a feather.]

Yasuke alive and well even after Junko took his life for unknown reasons I put as "Later but related to Hope's peak academy and the Future Foundation"⟩ if I followed I would probably blame the Ultimate Pharmacist and her magic medicine or the same thing that Kyoko used to jump back from the dead.

He also has lobotomy marks, I put his state as "Depression, Delusion, Dependent all with extra steps"

His design would be only Yasuke in a Black and white suit probably something relating to Monokuma as a callout for Junko somewhat in the design, the only note in specific is make the sole of his shoes reflect the weird red eye on Monokuma/ half of the Hope's peak symbol under the sole of his shoes.

Mahiru! Her redesign as the Ultimate despair, all smiles. All the Ultimate despairs received redesigns but the starter ones were way more brutal like Mahiru's (She used to have way more teeth than she is supposed to, that was to reflect the smile dillema and fuse it with despair) and Servant's (After Another Episode he had to amputate one of his legs due an infection and the injury was way more gorey than it should {Removed})

There was one flashback scene of Izuru dancing with a students half alive half dead corpse {Removed}

Izuru's cave like hideout painted pink {Removed}

Izuru disguised as Junko for Makoto {Removed in this certain situation}

Kyoko and Izuru serious talk in private, Izuru disguised as Hajime {Removed but depends on certain situations}

Kyoko animated failed execution {Removed}

Ultimate despairs break Makoto's security system in the most silly way possible (Metal pipe) {Maybe just because its funny}

Shirokuma was supposed to be a big role, I didn't elaborate much myself only letting a note about how it wandered in vents EVERYWHERE in red marker

Makoto sick with despair after seeing the first chapter of Super Dangaronpa 2, He couldn't get a hold of reality as the security system was locked (Flooded by the Junko AI). Byakuya taking his duty of watching the Killing game instead when Kyoko tried to figure out how the Virus got there filling everyone involved in their Seniors with serious distrust.

I was thinking on making this longer bit actually this is everything giving no spoilers for the story at all, mostly just removed content and some character designs with unused descriptions. I'll probably do it again when I finish completely, I can't tell how long it will take probably years 1-2 however it could be probably so worth it and I'll fight as long as I can

[sennaverstappen]

ty for the song recs, dear💜🌹💛🌺 i'm curious to see what you'll think of so, lestappen + 'mediocre'

ah you're so welcome!! thank you for sending this ask!! <333

Charles was good at driving. He was good at fashion. He was good at piano. He was good with his hands (he had been told).

He was not good at drawing. And it was eating him alive.

He won't admit it was eating him alive, of course. No one is a better martyr than Charles - he would rather shut up forever than be a tiny inconvience to the world.

He has loved art as long as he can remember. He spend his youth in museums - captivated. Classes in which he was supposed to be paying attention - well, those were his drawing hours. He would try - and fail - to capture the frailness of a fallen leaf, or the whiskers of his cat, or the smile on his father's face.

He had no talent for it. There's no point in doing something if you can't be good at it.

So - he stopped drawing.

He had plenty of other things that kept him occupied - he honestly forgot about his childhood dream of becoming an artist. Until his brother showed him - "Charlie," he laughed, shoving the artwork in his face. "I think it's supposed to be a cat?" The drawing was unrecognisable, but it was recognisabily his. He laughed. Because yeah, he really couldn't draw.

It wasn't until he was laying in a hotel bed, that it hit him. He had loved drawing. He wished he could draw. It wouldn't be worth it. He sighed.

Max nudged his shoulder. "What's up?" His lover, his world, was laying next to him, scrolling on his phone. It had been a tough day - media day sucks ass without having to hide your relationship with the man sitting next to you. It sucked even more ass now.

"I wish I could draw." It was the pure, honest truth. Max looked at him as if he had something on his face. "Why... can't you?" His eyes were questioning, but soft.

"Because I'm not good at it."

Max' eyes softened up even more - if that was possible. God, what he had done to deserve such softness he would never know. Maybe he paid for it every race (he didn't care). Charles found it overwhelming sometimes.

"Charles, you don't have to be good at it."

Oh, he thought. "Oh," he said. He was dumbfounded. He tried to search through his mental lexicon for a proper response, but, as usual, language would fail him.

He had genuinely never considered that he could do things he enjoyed without being good at it. He bit his cheek, deep in thought. "What's the point of it then?"

Max smiled at him, eyes crinkling. "You enjoy it," he supplied, simply. Charles made a considering sound, as Max cupped his cheek, making the Monegasque look up at him.

"Charles, I mean it," Charles tried to look anywhere else. "Look at me, my love," and yeah Charles' cheeks still burned at that - who cares, "please, if it makes you happy, please draw. Draw something, for me?"

A week later, Max received his monthly love letter (Charles was a sap, after all). In it was a drawing of their cat. It wasn't good, it was mediocre at best. And it was Max' favorite drawing in the world.

[championsofthegate]

What Kind of Love are You?

Ayla - Love as a Threshold

Your love does not ask for much. Your love does not take. Your love is free, and unquestioned, and here for wherever needs it. When you fall in love, it is as gentle as a breath in the night. It is quiet, and it is effortless. It is tender. If your love was a house, it would readily welcome all who come through. If your love was a hearth, it would warm the hands of whoever stopped by, whether for a day, a month, a year, or forever. When you fall for someone, it is without strings, without conditions, without need. You love for the sake of loving, for the sake of caring for those who need it. You love with a giver’s heart and a giver’s hands and are made so much stronger for it. Being loved by you is to always feel at home. Your love may not always be well-received by those unprepared to linger, but it is unforgettable all the same.

Rosemary - Love as a Performance

Your love is a masquerade, a dance, a work of art. You love with a veil across your face, unable to allow anyone to see the real you. Can that be considered love, you wonder? As a performer, you have all your lines prepared, and you know exactly what to say and when to say it. You’re charismatic and bold, seductive and hypnotic. Your love is a snake’s melody, the siren song of the sea. Your love is enchanting. Your love is melodic. Your love is afraid and fearful and longing. You ache to tear the veil off, you ache to cast poetry aside for the sake of something real and gritty. You’re terrified of the very thought. Being loved by you is to be loved by an artist; it is to be a muse. It reflects others beautifully, but never, ever yourself. Not really. Not truly.

Alea - Love as a Choice

You choose to love. Love does not come to you easily, but every day you wake up and choose it. It would be so easy, wouldn't it, to grow cold and callous and grim. But you rise to greet the world, making the conscious effort to find something, anything to love. When you fall for someone, you do not kid yourself of their flaws. Instead, you resolve to see them for who they are, mistakes and all and you love them all the same. Your love is work, and it does not come easy. Your love sweats and toils. It is calloused and sunburned; it bears scars and comes with stories. Your love is worn, but it is no less valuable for it. Being loved by you is like being loved by a gardener, a mother, a teacher. Your love may not always be the simplest, but it is worth the effort.

Shadowheart - Love as a Flaw

Cowering, your love hides in the dark. In shadows and under cover of night, your love runs from corner to corner, afraid to linger, afraid to be caught. Afraid, afraid, afraid of everything. When you fall in love, it is with alarm bells ringing. Your love is a mistake, a flaw in the code, a purchase you don’t remember making and desperately want to return. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t want this. It’s a problem–– your problem ––and you would do anything to pass it off, burn it away, scoop it out of you with bare hands, or carved out with hooked knives before it can destroy you. Get it out, just get it out now. You don’t care who you hurt in the process, only that you can’t afford to be hurt first. Being loved by you is to be loved by a figment of the imagination. It is to be loved in halves, or not at all.

Gale - Love as Religion

Devotion, that is the name of your love. Your love is an act of worship. Your love is like witnessing the birth of Venus, like seeing the sun come alive, or the stars fall. When you love, it is because you have found God in a lover. You have found the meaning of life itself in the heart of the one you adore. They are everything to you; they are your Maker, and you are their lamb, their flock, their first and holiest worshipper. When you fall in love, it is as a baptism. You are born anew, made a believer in the divinity of the one you love most. Being loved by you is an ascension; it is holy and golden. It is all-consuming, and all-faithful, loyal as the dog. You will never, ever bite back.

stole from: @wizofwaterdeep tagging: whomstever lol

[sweetmage]

Sunday Work In Progress

Thank you to @pinkfadespirit for tagging me! 😊 This is a WIP from my inquisitor!Hawke AU (also a twin!Hawke AU featuring my friend @vivispec's Marian!):

After laying a goodbye kiss on sleeping partner's forehead, Garrett, following Varric's urgent instructions, made his way towards the battlements. Just days before, Anders had sent a raven to an old friend he believed may prove useful to their cause, though it was curious that he might arrive so quickly without so much as a word back. And what that had to do with Varric, Garret couldn't say. Still, the note Varric had kicked beneath his door, now crumpled in Garrett's fist, remained clear: someone important awaited him. Shoving through the final door, Garrett burst onto the battlements' brick walkway where he met with a sudden, arresting chill. Sure as he'd promised, Varric was there with his back to the wall, a tankard in hand. As if sensing Garrett's reluctance to meet eyes with their guest, he tilted his head and raised his drink in her direction, guiding his attention. "Um, Marian..." Garrett said in a slow, deliberate tone as he approached, a sheepish smile stretching his lips. "Wh-what a... what a surprise. Really, it's, uhh, surprising..." He faltered and fell a step back, earning a fierce shake of her head before she lunged, just as he'd feared. "Don't you dare," she barked, in hot pursuit despite his hands raised in surrender. It wasn't worth the risk to turn his back to her. "Don't you dare run from me!" Like a viper striking its prey, she lunged again, this time seizing him by the straps at his shoulder, dragging him back. "Marian, I can explain" he began with a weary sigh, but she cut him short. "Oh, you can explain? Funny, because I've not received a single raven from you. Not a single word since you left Kirkwall. The last I saw you was when you and Anders went running off into the sunset together." Her voice quivered as she spoke, her fury rising with each word. "And I'm just left there waiting, wondering, hoping for some news. Hoping that you're alive." "Marian--" "Ah ah, I'm speaking," she said, yanking him by one of the points of his beard to draw his wandering, pleading eyes away from Varric back to her. "And then, three years later, brother, three bloody years, you know what I hear next?" "Alright, I know how this looks, but Anders had nothing to do with it this time--" "But you did," she snapped, thrusting a finger at his chest. "Glowing hand..." She slapped his arm, her brow tightening. "This... this... Inquisitor thing? Corypheus?" And again on the shoulder and once on the cheek, light enough not to bruise, but hard enough to make her point. "By the Maker, Garrett, Varric told me everything. The battle at Haven, the avalanche..." Something in her flipped and she softened as she looked at him. Marian swallowed hard, her chest rising and falling in short, shallow breaths as she collected him into her arms, crushing him against her. "Were you even going to tell me you almost died?"

Tagging: @vivispec @sillyliterature and anyone else who would like to participate (art, fic, or whatever!)

[axvwriter]

SSR Bobo Suitor Dress

Voice-lines

Summon: "Who do you think you are?! I won't let you claim Idia as yours unchallenged!"

“I really surprised everyone with my plan, huh?"

Groovification: "Are you alright? I won’t let anyone die on my watch.”

Set to Home screen: “I’d say love is worth fighting for… would you like me to fight for you?”

Home transition 1: “I didn’t think before of how flustering it would be to receive such attention… I-I think I’ll keep this on for a little longer.”

Home transition 2: “A few students keep teasing me for having a crush on Idia… I mean, they think I have a crush, I’m not saying that I actually do!”

Home transition 3: “Some students keep saying I look good enough to eat… I didn’t think wearing this dress would put my life in danger!”

After login: “Are you ready for our wedding? Ha hah, did I scare you? I’m only joking.”

Home transition groovification: “Huh? Oh, I didn’t get this from Sam. I was able to get a Pomefiore friend of mine to make some adjustments to a dress he was making. I owe him a favor now.”

Tap home 1: “Idia looked really good in that suit… huh? I mean, don’t you think so too!?”

Tap home 2: “My plan was absurd, but I thought at the very least the absurdity would buy the others more time to figure something out.”

Tap home 3: “I don’t think I’d wear this exactly to my own wedding. I just wanted to match Idia.”

Tap home 4: “Ortho has a devious side to him… he keeps teasing me by calling me his big sister!”

Tap home 5: “Wh-what!? What do you mean you’d make me a happy bride!? You’re being too forward!”

Tap home groovification: “If I’m stuck here forever… I suppose I can take my time with finding a partner without feeling like I’m going to drown otherwise…”

---

I tried to replicate the style of Twisted Wonderland's SSR cards and have a better grasp of all I still have yet to learn about drawing. Also I'd like to clarify for the Home Transition 3 voice-line, anyone saying she looks good enough to eat are just joking and teasing her. She doesn't quite realize that and is thinking they're threatening to actually eat her. Not vore her, eat her. Such innuendos don't really exist where she's from thanks to the literal threat of being eaten alive by giant man-eating beasts.

I do have the vignette story written, but I plan to share that with the groovy art, which I'm going to heavily procrasinate doing- Though hopefully now that I've done this one, I wont make the same mistakes where I remade the floor twice and realized afterwards I was using the wrong image for reference for the background. I fixed it using blue-green layers because I couldn't handle redoing the entire background. Kept remaking the floor because of trying to figure out how the floor would look, how to draw it, then ending up following a tutorial while completely forgetting the tiles are diagonal which the tutorial was not. Eventually realized I didn't even need to do that as I most likely only needed one to three rhombuses.

[livehorses]

Sooo... what has become of me on the last weeks?

Well see... you know I was very busy focusing all my attention and strength on my entry exam. A couple of weeks ago, I checked the results of the first phase. It turns out I made it to the next phase, but then I realized the date the results were published was moved to July 30, not August 13. The days to fill up formularies, send documents and pay for the next exams were moved as well, and that meant I have lost my right to continue the process.

All because the school asked us to create an email exclusively for the exam and the day of the first phase, when I went to do the general knowledge one, at the exit they handed me over a little piece of paper with the official date of the results. I thought it wouldn't be necessary to check the blessed email until that said date, a huge mistake. They sent an email notifying the moving of the date and I just saw it a week later. I had to make a phone call to ask for an extension date and wait for a positive answer.

After that, I learned my lesson and I checked the email daily. Next day, I received an email accepting my request. But I only had a week to get prepared. So that's what I did. The school sends a couple of texts you have to read and analyze, and some videos as well. Your plastic work in the exam should be based on all these texts and videos.

Next week I presented via online the next phase. However, this one's really tricky. If you don't follow strictly all the indications on your artwork making, you don't get selected. As I said before, this school is very demanded and the vacancies are scarce. So, anyways I didn't enter.

I don't have to tell you how disappointed and down I feel right now. I had so many hopes to enter this time, and more when I had a lot of challenges and quite a great luck to contrast them. After my whole family got covid the week before the first phase, but I could go and do it, I checked late the results but got an extension date, it seemed that everything pointed out to a huge success. It feels anti climatic, you know? Such amount of energy I put on participating in this exam only to suddenly not having anything to fight for, to work on, to be on an undefined state of inactivity because the moment I realized I didn't enter it was all over.

Everyone has been trying to support me, cheer me up and give me options to do while I find something to do with my life, but I'm just tired, overwhelmed and done. It's like, I don't want to know nothing about my future right now, bit I'm also worried about what's going to become of me on the next couple of months. I feel like I don't have a purpose in life, like, I have this restless desire of greatness inside my heart, not the one of reaching fame or success, but of greatness of achieving great things with my art, to touch souls, to heal wounds, to speak my mind, solve worldwide problems, end injustice and division, but instead, my art hasn't grown enough, I haven't grown enough, and I'm not prepared... Also the urgency to help economically my family is huge, but I refuse to do any job that doesn't satisfy my art hunger at all.

I'd be lying if I say I haven't been fighting to find a reason I'm here and why it's worth to be alive. I've lost again the motivation of doing stuff, and I've just decided to dedicate myself into a one single and simple project: organize family photos. But is that enough? It's what my life is resumed right now?

I feel like Mirabel, in front of a golden door with the opportunity to become everything I've always dreamed of, but the instant I hold the doorknob, the door disappears. While my other siblings are getting where they want to be in life, two siblings getting married and two in college right now, I'm stuck behind them, doing nothing productive in my life.

I don't understand why I didn't stay in the art school, wish I could know it. I would like to know why God decided so. But my only comfort is that Mirabel didn't have the chance to get her door until way later when she and her family rebuild the Casita and she becomes Abuela's successor. Maybe my time to open my door hasn't come yet, and as Van Gogh, who started professionally painting until the age of 28, and as one of my ex-classmates who decided to become a painter at age 45 and has been successful in many art galleries lately, I still have time to become one.

Besides, I have to be realistic. It's not that I wasn't good, maybe by the high standards I wasn't good enough. And I wasn't the only one who didn't pass. Many others weren't accepted. And even more of the ones that made it to the next phase weren't accepted later. Another ex-classmate who did it to that said school, told me she has classmates that finally were accepted on the fifth attempt. That's the problem of plastic art here in my city. There's only two schools that have that career, not even private universities have it. It would be better if there were more art schools out there because it isn't fair, but they aren't.

I keep searching for answers, and things to be kept busy while I figure out what to do next. I hope to find it soon, because I can't stand another year of inactivity. Not anymore.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Religion (4) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three

Bad boys and Bible verses (ao3) - dansandphils

Summary: Dan has always been a good child. Being raised by a Christian family and his dad being a pastor at the local church Dan was always taught to be a nice boy and never to commit sinful acts. Phil is the kind of person Dan's dad, a pastor at the local church has told Dan to look out for. Dan had always been told if he'd seen someone like Phil not to hang around him. Phil's mom is also very Christian and hates the way her son acts. That's only reason Phil set foot in this church. His mom wants him to have the light of God in his life. Unfortunately he doesn't want that. He just wants a hot boy named Dan to kiss him in the church after hours.

Covet (ao3) - americanphancakes

Summary: The only thing making Dan feel alive is his all-consuming crush on the new deacon.

face the burning heat (ao3) - zugzwang

Summary: love and worship are the same to him. he doesn't mind.

Father, please forgive me (ao3) - Iceprincessvictuuri

Summary: Dan could smell his scent on his skin and it bothered him because it smelt so good and no matter how long and how hard he prayed, his knees digging into the dying oak for a floor, he was still a sinner.

i was born sick (ao3) - waylesssad

Summary: Heaven stands for absolute pleasure; hell means ultimate suffering.

Where Dan stands, Phil hasn’t decided yet.

I'm Ashamed Of The Dark Places I Have Been (ao3) - ellehcorx

Summary: Phil has been punishing himself after a recent break up. He hadn’t slept in days, he’s drunk daily, and he finds himself in strangers’ beds. After stumbling into a church to take shelter from the rain, he meets Dan who helps him decrease his guilt.

It’s You, and Only You (ao3) - Liorisnotonfire

Summary: Dan and Phil are frum (religious) Jews who go to an LGBT Jewish Pesach (Passover) retreat and find moments of community after a year of lockdown due to Covid-19.

A fic about having a unique, delicate, and maybe uncertain religious and queer identity, but finding home in the person you love. Also about loneliness and confusion, and trying to make life better. Featuring the rare insecure Phil

Our Father, Who Art in Heaven... (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Leviticus 18:22 - Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 - If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.

Romans 1:27 - And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

-

“That's the beauty of the Bible, ladies and gentlemen, we don't need to interpret the word of God, because it's all right here.”

seven (ao3) - yoongioss

Summary: Upon entering your church, the devil won't always appear out of place. Remember, he was once an angel, and still remembers how to sing.

the exorcism of agatha howell (ao3) - iihappydaysii

Summary: After exhausting all other options to help his increasingly erratic wife, Dan turns to a priest named Father Philip for help.

The Serenity Prayer (ao3) - TwistedRocketPower

Summary: Daniel Howell is a Christian vlogger, dedicated to telling the world about God and living a life that pleases Him. When he is invited to a mainstream YouTube convention, he expects it to be an opportunity to speak to a wider audience about God. What he doesn't expect is running into Phil Lester, a man capable of changing his entire world.

They started sayin' if you can't hide, run (and if you can't run, hide) (ao3) - gogystyle

Summary: A summer camp in hell, where the only available activity is repenting for your sins. In the beginning, Dan prayed it wasn't happening to him. By the end, he was angry and seeking vengeance, but along the way, he found something precious, worth holding on for. With memories of something past following his every move, Dan realizes that staying idle is the only way to ensure you never escape.

We'll Make It Through (ao3) - MarriedPhan1234

Summary: A Homeschooled!Phan au where the boys must accept the fact that sometimes parents are just wrong. This story follows them through the years as they deal with abuse, strict parents and church community, and through university. Will they make it through so that they can finally be together?

Welcoming the Shabbos Queen (ao3) - Liorisnotonfire

Summary: Dan and Phil are frum (Orthodox) Jews, celebrating the Sabbath together, in times of quarantine due to covid-19.

Winning Chanukah (ao3) - Kass

Summary: Dan and Phil make a Chanukah video for Gamingmas.

would it be a sin if I can't help falling in love with you? (ao3) - resurrectdead

Summary: “Hey.”

Phil reaches over the counter. Leaning one elbow on it, he puts a finger underneath Dan’s chin, gently tilts his head back up. Dan tries not to tremble. He darts his eyes up and they catch at his lips, stay there as he speaks. (He wants to taste them so bad.)

“I don’t know what kind of people you’re friends with,” he starts, “but if they aren’t nice to you, maybe you should consider switching them out for some that are.”

or: it's 1978, everything is a bad influence, catholicism makes you a bit sad sometimes and dan finds the answer to all his questions

You Are Not (ao3) - yourlocalhipster

Summary: Dan comes out to his father.

[peribytes]

you deserve to be called an artist because you create art. it doesnt have to be a driving force in your life or your profession for it be part of you

i make art. i dont feel the ‘passion’ while drawing. i draw for the outcome not the process. for a long time i thought that meant I was doing art wrong because everyone kept talking about how your supposed to love the process

your art doesnt have to be an expression of yourself. you don’t have to have your own characters. some artists do but you dont have to be constantly practicing or experimenting. not all art has to have meaning

when I look at your art I think that you enjoy making these scenarios with characters that mean a lot to you

i think thats enough, but it doesnt matter what me or anyone else thinks. i hope you can figure this out and feel better about this soon, brains can be fumbly

i appreciate this greatly, thank you.

while i know logically you're correct, i still worry. i don't want to be like a machine that pumps out soulless "content" for others to "consume." i don't want my work to be meaningless. i want to feel like i'm putting something worthwhile out into the world. something that says something. i want there to be some sort of recognition... maybe i want the viewer to see what's most important to me, maybe it's something else. i don't know.

i've come to terms with the fact that i'll probably never love the process. making art is much like mining away at a rock until you reach gold - tedious, hurts my hand a little, my strikes are off sometimes. but as long as i get the satisfaction of reaching something beautiful at the end, i figure the chore of finding it was worth it.

there's this misconception that you should be passionate at what you're good at, i guess in order to make a living out of it. i'm still trying to learn that you can be passionate about things you don't have much skill in, and you don't have to be passionate about the thing you're best at. honestly i'm still trying to find my passion. something that makes me feel alive. a feeling that lasts longer than that 5-second hit of dopamine when you receive validation on social media.

maybe my brain's just rotted and none of this actually matters. i don't know.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

I don’t know if I’m the one who wants to change everything about me - just to feel worthy by people I shouldn’t even want approval of. Or if the people around me have been so abusive in the past, that I don’t even have hope they could ever accept the real me. As I get older it’s like I’m losing parts of me, and I might never find them back. Maybe I’m just blaming others again, or making it all worse than it really is.

Because sometimes I wish I could just cut my hair short or actually let is be long and try to come out - at least have a conversation to figure out wheter I’m androgynous or perhaps a boy. To come out of the closet as a lesbian for now, and have noone question me or wonder if it has a certain reason that needs to be solved or just at least support me to come out of my comfort zone.

To accept me for liking piercings, and actually encourage me. To think of things when I say I want my own business, not too much unasked advice or scared ideas even if they mean well.

To leave and never look back and never have to feel like I have to make myself small again - it’s eating me alive. And I’m scared to grow up and regret life later one. I’m also scared to take the wrong turn when I follow my heart.

But why is it? Why is it I crave so much approval from the people who hurt me most?

Do I feel like I still want their love deep down, and will never receive it when I actually choose me? I keep believing I’m happy and have a grateful life and I am grateful and wouldn’t change a thing, with myself, and the way I can’t express myself honestly and truthfully - I am deeply unhappy.

I’m so afraid of rejection and I don’t even know why. I don’t even understand why I’m afraid of rejection of the people that used to abuse me… Is it because there’s still a part of me that wishes for their approval and therefor feels worth of love.

Because if your own family can’t even give you the feeling of acceptance and of true warmth for you being your authentic self and enthusiasm (even if a lot of families lack that, I know) - then, how can I?

How can I truly accept myself, when I haven’t even been able to show all of me due to fear of rejection?

Im so fucking tired and exhausted and afraid of wasting my time and not living - it’s like 2023 passed by and all is one big blur. With myself, I am so deeply unhappy.

There, I said it. When it comes to me, I’m truly unhappy I can’t express myself, I can’t allow myself to go for my own dreams, to let others down. I’m in a cage with an open part, I can fly away whenever I want to, but I keep plucking and biting and hurting my wings - abusing my feathers so I don’t even have a choice and stay, just to try and make my others content. Even if I want to fly away and be free.

I’d rather be a bird without brain so I can’t even feel this agony, but I am. Why am I doing this to myself? I have such a problem of letting my family down, that I’m letting myself down and I don’t even want that anymore.

I just want to choose me, but it’s too complicated honestly. My fear of rejection has reached such a low point right now, that I don’t even know who I am anymore - parts of me are fading and aren’t even happy for the things I used to be happy for.

I wish people would help me express myself; but they don’t. Even if they mean well, it’s like they don’t understand.

Im so tired and I want to cut again. But I won’t, because I promised myself that tattoo by six months clean.

It’s not just a piercing, or just a tattoo, or just a different hair cut, or weird face makeup, or fashion I chose - it’s me. It’s me who I am always hiding, but it’s so exhausting,

Because lately I can’t even express myself anymore, only through art.

And it’s exhausting, I crave such validation from the people I’d rather avoid most of the times.

[mcrmadness]

Ok I just had the realization for why it's so hard for me to start writing or drawing to myself only, as in, to draw/write/create without the purpose of posting it anywhere IF I have already been posting stuff online. By that I mean: if I draw/write and don't post, I'm completely fine. But if I start posting and then feel like I should stop because (almost) no one cares... it just feels so bad. It makes me feel extremely sad, the same kind of sadness I felt when I was a kid and had a friend over for a sleepover and when they left back home. The first minutes after they left always felt the exact same as when I think about only creating to myself and never posting any of that online ever again. It feels like someone died or like quitting communities or compltely moving to live on another planet all by myself.

So in a way, sharing my creations kinda feels like it's one of the things that makes life worth living. Now, I've never been actually suicidal, but it kinda has similar vibe to it as if I was _dying if I stop sharing my creations. I guess it has some ties to my anxiety, as I do suffer from dissociation (depersonalization and derealization) and on bad days I do get loads of intrusive thoughts too, and I constantly need things that keep me kinda attached to the real world and creating, especially drawing and writing, are some of those things. They make me feel alive, I guess. Maybe that's what people mean when they say something makes them feel alive. So when I even think about creating only to myself, I can sense it how distressing my little bubble starts to feel. I need things to go outside that bubble sometimes or it will become too crowded for myself. We fit there just fine IF I never share. But the moment I start sharing, it becomes reality and giving up on doing that feels like something inside me would die. I guess when these things don't escape the bubble, they fit there just fine because you don't know what else it could be. But the moment they do, my life quality kinda... well, it increases but it also decreases because of my RSD. But fortunately RSD is not there all day every day, so some days it's somewhere sleeping, letting me to think rationally and to believe my observations like a "normal" person.

But yeah, I guess one of my life purposes IS to share my creations, I just have a hard time finding what creations I should share and what kind of audiences to look for. And yeah this is about my newest drawing that I did yesterday, but I'm not feeling that keen on sharing it honestly. Nor the other two I drew recently. And every time I don't have that strong feels over the thoughts of not sharing my art, it starts to freak me out because I'm still so scared that I would get my depression back one day. I guess creating and sharing them is one way for me to try to keep it from coming back, so of course it hurts when I don't receive feedback and feel invisible, as then it triggers the RSD which makes me want to never share my art again. But oh well, it's just this unfortunate rat race I've been living with since my teen years or longer... maybe it's just a part of who I am.

[notsoterriblymisanthropic]

My struggle against 41 bis is the individual struggle of an anarchist, I don't give or receive orders. I simply cannot live in an inhuman regime like 41 bis, where I cannot freely read what I want, books, newspapers, anarchist periodicals, art and science magazines, as well as literature and history. The only possibility for me to get out is to renounce my anarchy and sell someone to take my place. This is a regime where I can't have any human contact, where I can't even see or touch a blade of grass, or hug a loved one. A regime where photos of your parents are sequestered. A regime where you are buried alive in a grave in a position of death. I will carry on my struggle to the end, not for "duty" but because this is not life. If the aim of the Italian state is to make me "dissociate" myself from the actions of anarchists outside these walls, then I will reject these demands, as a good anarchist. I believe that everyone is responsible for their own actions, and as a member of the anti-organisational current, I am not "associated" with anyone and therefore I cannot "dissociate" myself from anyone. Affinity is another matter. A coherent anarchist does not distance himself from other anarchists out of opportunism or convenience. I have always proudly defended my actions (even in court, that's why I am here) and I have never criticised those of other comrades, much less when there is a situation like the one I find myself in. The biggest insult for an anarchist is to be accused of giving or receiving orders. When I was in the High Security regime, I also had censorship and I didn't issue any "pizzini" but articles to anarchist newspapers and magazines. And above all, I was free to receive books and magazines and write books, to read what I wanted, I was even allowed to evolve, to live. Today I am ready to die to make the world understand what 41 bis really is. 750 people suffer it without protest, continuously vilified by the mass media. Now it is my turn: you have vilified me as the bloodthirsty terrorist; then you have sanctified me as the anarchist martyr who sacrifices himself for others; then you have vilified me again, like a terrible spectre. When it is all over, I shall no doubt be raised to the altars of martyrdom. No, thank you, I am not in the mood, I do not lend myself to your dirty political games. In reality, the real problem for the Italian state is that all the human rights that are violated by this 41 bis regime, in the name of a "security" for which everything is sacrificed, will come to light. Good! You will have to think twice before putting an anarchist in here. I don't know what real motivations and political manoeuvres are behind it. And because someone has used me as a "poisoned apple" in this regime. It was quite difficult not to foresee what my reactions to this "non-life" would be. The Italian state is a worthy representative of the hypocrisy of a West that continually gives lessons in "morality" to the rest of the world. The 41 bis has given lessons that have been well taken up by "democratic" states such as Turkey (fellow Kurdish people know something about this) and Poland. I am convinced that my death will be an obstacle to this regime and that the 750 who have been suffering from it for decades will be able to live a life worth living, whatever they have done. I love life, I am a happy man, I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's life. And it is because I love it that I cannot accept this hopeless non-life. Thank you comrades for your love. Always for Anarchy. Never submit. Alfredo Cospito

Letter from Alfredo Cospito