#autism trauma

[frickityfrackityfuckingshit]

[cutting-the-strings]

Autistic school trauma is:

knowing you’re disliked, but not being able to know why

consistently being called out for your stims because they’re “disruptive” or “annoying”

trying to simply mesh in with others to avoid getting targeted

suppressing your anger to the point that you feel it’s not justified

never being able to form connections no matter how hard you try, and thinking it’s your fault

being able to form connections but never being able to be true to yourself or set boundaries since you’re so used to being disrespected

witnessing ableism from classmates but not doing anything about it because they’ll just invalidate you

never feeling like your opinions can be validated because you’re “weird”

being outcasted by your classmates constantly

having classmates either let you know outright or subtly that you’re disliked

eventually believing that you deserve to be disliked

suffering from chronic low self esteem that affects your grades, your ability to function, and even your ideas of love

frequently getting into toxic/codependent friendships

having teachers criticize you constantly for your symptoms

living from a complex of never being good enough

feeling like you have to reach a neurotypical standard on a daily basis and if you don’t, you’re incompetent

if you’re feeling any of these things because of school, autistic or not, know that what you are experiencing is trauma, and that your trauma is valid. You don’t deserve to be in a school environment where you are consistently criticized or made to feel like you don’t belong nor can’t be good enough. You deserve an environment that makes you feel safe enough to be neurodivergent, to be yourself. You deserve to feel loved, to feel cared for, exactly as you are, with no strings attached.

[kyubertty]

is anyone else deeply ashamed of their own interests even if there's nothing "wrong" with them because you're so used to being bullied for liking things a little too much or is it just me and my demons

[whatever-you-can-give-me]

personal posting, discussion of autism trauma and peer abuse

i won’t deny it’s by all accounts less overtly traumatizing to slip through the cracks and not be recognized and diagnosed as autistic as a child, given the kind of abuse that diagnosed autistic kids can expect to get from authority figures, especially those who claim to be helping them, but.

it does kind of feel like living in a horror movie, to spend your entire life knowing there is something wrong with you, being excluded by your peers, needing to manually learn things that seem to come naturally to everyone else, failing to understand what you’re even doing wrong when you finally cross some line in the sand and become intolerable to people who used to treat you well. to consistently be the target of mockery because people can apparently scent on the air that you’re gullible.

and then you grow up. and you learn the words for what you are. and you find out this is just… how it is forever. at a certain point, some people will just… stop recognizing you as a human being they need to respect. you’re wearing an ill-fitting person suit and if too much of you shows through it, you might just have started a clock that ends with you alone and confused.

twelve year old you was right. there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

and… that’s okay. some people will still love you. some people like you better with the person suit off.

but you won’t ever know for sure.

[autismlou]

to:

my teacher that told me, i have strong sense for justice. you were the first person to point something good out about me.

and the one other teacher that said she would cry if i couldn’t be in her class anymore

in all my time, in any type of school, you were the only ones that cared about me, and i remember. thank you.

[naegashutyoassup]

I don’t think autism is being seen from all lenses — except when they’re actually mentally or physically affected.

(I’m speaking as someone who has been diagnosed from a young age, so experiences may not be the same as what you see in the media!)

—

Whenever you think about someone with autism, what do you think about? Chances is that you probably have the media depiction of it. However, that’s not how we’re all like — or at least 90% of the time.

If I have to say, I feel like there is a silent majority of us that may never get our voices heard enough to where people can see that autism does not always mean high functioning.

I was diagnosed at just age of 3. As soon as the doctors found that out about me, they immediately took control of my life and shut me out of any school that other kids would go to. I remember from a young age being sad that my older sisters got to go to school whilst I had to stay at home and be homeschooled by a special needs teacher.

Because of that, I never got to experience life outside of my own family and would feel alienated when mixing in with people that do knowing that I’m the only one that doesn’t. It really affected me — even now.

Whenever I tried to call out and complain to a social worker or a teacher, they would always come back to me not answering the question saying “but having autism makes you unique and special” or “but [insert celebrity here] has autism and they’re also smart” and some shit. The constant sugar coating is very prevalent here since it still happens until this day. It always didn’t feel right when they say stuff like that. But little did young 8 year old me knew that they were purposefully infantilising me and keeping me away from the truth — alas, it didn’t stop me from finding out the hard way when my parents told me that the doctors thought that I wasn’t academic enough, despise being self aware on how they were treating me.

I don’t know why this never shows up whenever the topic of autism shows up. It makes me feel alone thinking that only people with autism should accept it as a part of them when really, it was a daunting label that nearly cost my education and it has been such an emotionally alienating experience that I never wish anyone had to go through. And the fact that people are seeing it as a “quirky” thing and even lying about having it is such an embarrassment. Not even just that, but really insulting to people like me who had to go through something like this. Imagine having to go through something like that and not seeing anybody else having to do the same thing. It sure made me feel alone, and I hope you do too because it’s awful.

The UK system is literally fucked up. Apparently my second niece from my sister may have autism too — which isn’t bad by the way, but it’s scary to think that she may have to go through the same thing again. Having to second handedly go through this experience another time is exhausting and I just want it to stop.

Stop infantilising us. Some of us don’t need a lot of support.

Edit: Written something wrong so I changed it to make more sense.

[namebones]

no matter what i do i will always be the little freak brat asking for too much. no matter how much people claim to understand that i am autistic, that i’m disabled, that i can’t help the way i am, deep down they hate me for it. and when that hatred can’t hide itself any more, it’s hellish. it’s the worst pain imaginable. knowing that whenever they are accommodating it’s paired with a thought of “oh for fucks sake” or “why are you like this?”

the one comment that always shows me this hatred has slipped out from the mask is, “i just- it’s like walking on egg shells!”. i will never feel safe or trust you again if you say this to me.

it’s always said when you finally get to a point where you can’t hold it back anymore, where you have been holding on for so long looking for relief looking to help yourself not get to the point of melt down. but it happens. and all hell rains from it. suddenly it’s as if you are always upset, everything upsets you, you have no resilience or patience, despite holding off a meltdown for weeks. suddenly you’re the most unreasonable person known to man, just because they do not appreciate the times you’re holding it together with all your might.

i’m a punching bag. i’m there to take the hits that is my purpose, despite my being not being crafted to take that.

when i can’t take it and i split open, i’ve committed a great sin, a true evil. when i cannot take the blows any more i have no purpose, and that is made known to me certainly.

sorry for the lack of grammar or proper construction, it is not my strong suit.

[noras-journal]

I feel like my childhood was a game of how much trauma can we fit into this kid without it seeming like we did anything bad

[autumnsvoice87]

Life of losses

Loss of self

Loss of identity

Loss of family

Loss of trust

Never being understood

And no one constant in my life

Stability never experienced

And this pain of loss

Is why I'm insecure

I fight to find my tribe

My identity and my forever family

The constant in my life

The north star

And it's scary to know

Nothing gold can stay

And change is inevitable

Or at least that's scary

To me, at least.

[specks-of-time]

[cutting-the-strings]

It’s unfortunately a common experience for autistic individuals to feel lonely due to them not being able to have the social skills needed to make and keep friends long term.

The lack of social skills also puts them at risk for ending up in toxic, codependent, and abusive friendships in the future. Without the social skills to speak up in these situations, autistic individuals often end up feeling traumatized and then go on to develop chronic trauma conditions like CPTSD, DID, OSDD, BPD, DPD etc.

Being autistic is inherently a very lonely experience.

[trafficpan-ic]

Releasing trauma is going harder then i thought

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Autistic trauma: School Edition

Hiding in the bathroom

Feel like social outcast

Constant self monitoring

Know you are not liked but not sure why

Bullied

Hyper vigilant

Lonely

Crying at home

Last pick for games

No real friends

Not invited to parties

Littlepuddins.ie

[autismlou]

back because today sucked mayor ass, in a way that really wasn’t missed.

im not even 22 jet but feel like i just entered my mid 30s damn it.

something i learned-because i don’t want to end on the note that i want to die, not bacause i hate my life but, because it hates me, yay- even if it sucks because it´s not right and not fair but, most of the time you probably are the only person that can give you feelings of secureness. in some cases your mom is as unsafe emotionally as every stranger in the supermarket probably is (my life). check your memory and feelings, do the work to keep you safe.

i don´t think i would kill myself, not because i don´t want the damnation from society to stop, but because im not the one that deserves the punishment in the first place. seek love.

let´s be brave, i am trying my best everyday

[abitofajournal]

bound to fall in love

[saturnsocoolioyep]

In the same vein as "I've been taking my medication for long enough that I haven't experienced any symptoms in a while, I must not need to take it anymore! (Spoiler alert: the meds are why you haven't had symptoms)" I present to you a similarly clownish thought process- "I haven't experienced that trigger in a long time, maybe I was just exaggerating how bad it was and it'll be fine to engage with this! (Spoiler alert: take a fucking guess babes)"