#because friendship is weird in the sense that the only thing youre getting is companionship

[ode-to-fury]

Friendship Astarion is so important to me. Like I know everyone is horny for the sassy elf but like… what if he learned to care for someone without sex? What if he tried to manipulate Tav into bed and they told him no? And then… kept being nice to him? Kept taking care of him and expecting the same in return? What if he doesn’t have to fall in love to realise he wants to live a life where he cares about things and makes his own decisions? What if he tells them about how he used his body anyway? What if they tell him he never has to again? What if they hug him and expect nothing back? What if they put their head on his shoulder and nothing else? What if, for the first time in 200 years, he felt safe enough to joke and laugh and not put on a show because it’s obvious they don’t feel that sort of attraction to him anyway? What if he just had a best friend?

[doink-boink]

I fully think that Zach does what he does because he is a VERY LONELY MAN. He makes robots to do his bidding (keep him company), he acts like he hates dealing with people but leaps at the opportunity to work with the other villains. He's also a genius whose ideas have been scorned since he was little, probably incredibly isolating for a guy who could have taken his ideas and used them in a good way if he was encouraged to do so. Major gifted kid to burned out adult vibes. I just feel like he has a lot of potential......

-Martincrushcameback

Yes!! Regarding leaping at the opportunity to work with the other villains, you can really see that in The Mystery of the Weird Looking Walrus!!

(More under the cut because I ramble for a good while)

He desperately wants Donita's approval as well as her friendship - of course that blows up in his face, not only because he didn't get her the pearl, but also because yknow. He's a big ol liar lol. I haven't watched the episode with it, (as I'm not on season 6) but you can see this when he compliments the Amphi-Trek XT!!

Zach stops himself short as he's about to compliment an invention that Aviva made because he wants approval from Paisley!

I want to explore this more in my fic, especially regarding WHY he and Aviva aren't close. They went science camp together, yes, but the show drops little details between them that implies that they might have actually been friends. Or at least, that's how I interpreted it!

In my AU I think that they were good pals up until Highschool, but Zach's decision to work with animals is what ends that friendship. He had no regard for their feelings and health, using them for his own gain. (Additionally, he starts to use animals/pursue that as concept as AVIVA began working in that field!! He wanted to connect with her, but ended up driving them apart.)

In typical Zach fashion, he refuses to stop what he's doing because it's getting him attention from others, maybe even the school itself, giving him the praise that he needs. His own ego ruins everything!! As it does in the show! Furthering "because it's giving him the praise that he needs" thing, I feel as though he isn't close WHATSOEVER with his parents.

At least, not in the typical fashion. AU wise, I think that Zach has a strained relationship with his father, but was very close to his mother! Want to make it a Moral Orel type deal with Clay's backstory where something happens and his mom is out of the picture, leaving him with his dad. Maybe this happens before he begins to use animals for his bidding? It would make sense! He wants some sort of attention that he isn't getting at home, some sort of acknowledgement that he's doing something good!

Aaaa!! There's so many things to explore with Zach as a character!! He's so fun man. And so very tragic at the same time lol

Also would like to bring attention to his CLEAR want to express his self worth!! I feel like he "looks up to Aviva" in his own weird little way in canon. Of course he is actively 'tearing her down' here, but you can tell that he KNOWS what she's capable of and wants the other villains (that's the context here, I believe it's Paisley's introduction to them) to believe that he's capable.

Even after this it's really clear to see that regardless of how he feels about her, he LIKES Aviva's inventions enough to steal them time and time again!

Dude. Dude just go work with her man it's for your own good... Wink wink nudge nudge I toooootallly won't do this in Somethings Never Change nooooooo

But genuinely, he would have so much to gain from WORKING WITH AVIVA. He wants her companionship so bad man.

Sorry this post got so unbelievably LONG lol, I've got a lot on my mind about these guys. Also apologies that I went on my own little sub tangent about my fic, hope it was okay!!

[fatherlybeast]

I woke up earlier than usual this morning, showered and got dressed. I wore my caramel shirt. My favorite. Wanted to get my favorite spot at my favorite coffee shop in town. Ordered regular latte with skimmed milk. You loved your coffee dark and sharp. Remember how I tried to make you quit smoking? Then I would lit a cigarette and talk about the way it harmed your body. I would make a joke about how it’s different for you because you can give birth. You would roll your eyes pretty hard. 

I laughed, some girl looked at me weird.

I have been making a lot of friends lately like when I was a lot younger, or should I say acquaintances? it’s hard for me to be vague about these descriptions. Isn’t that why you have been my best friend all those years? The only person I have ever called my best friend. I would go out and do what I do then tell you all about it. You would react with oh my god Mert how, I didn't know either. My innate ability to make friends everywhere I go and find stories in every corner. Then I would tell my best friend all about it. I am just telling the truth, but it feels mean considering I am waiting for a friend to arrive. It’s common sense but well, not everybody appreciates it when truth is spoken to their face. Not you, you were the realest. It’s a beautiful detail, how I am still able to make our inside jokes. Guess I am also ‘’the realest’’ and your love still warms me. I swear it is not the coffee. :)) I never understood why people think romantic love is the ultimate expression of love, maybe it’s because they have never met us. Or maybe because I just don’t get romantic love, after all the people I’ve loved I wanted to be best friends with them first, what I sought in those connections was companionship. I still remember that night you know ‘’if you go down, I will be there with you Mert’’ I still remember that song and the faucet running wild, until you made me see the light... You were the only real moon. 

You know I have been on many pedestals in my time but most people just tell you things to get what they want. Which I find absurd, why all the trouble just for a night’s sin? Anyway this is not about the corrupted nature of today’s human. I did believe in you and I still do. I trust the strength of your heart. I always will, I promised you remember. I do, I still do. My hair which you adored has a lot of greys in it now, good thing they say I won’t go bald and also I will be a hot silver daddy. It meant a lot to me you know, the things we shared. it’s like you entered a space inside me and made a house for yourself there. I carry it with me all the time and I don’t think I could ever find the heart to throw you out. I am sure even when the rest of my hair is all grey and white, it’ll still be there. Can’t promise about the time when I will be bones and dust tho! Sorry, you know me, I have to make it grim somehow. How else am I supposed to hide the tears? You get it, don’t you M? Every time I get a buzzcut, I see ten more white hairs. Of course you do, you always do, the smartest person I have ever known.

I don’t wish to sound ungrateful to all the amazing friends I have in my life, but I guess I grew too old and maturity settled in my soul like how it snows slowly during a winter night and you wake up to a silently completed white field in the morning. Maybe I indeed grew too old to have a best friend.

I had a close friend, not a best friend but a close one whom I showed my poetry to a few years back. You know that it is important to me. Bless his heart I don’t blame him for having a disorder. I gave our friendship a chance, I gave it time for his feelings to settle and I felt guilty for a while for having my doubts about him, which were proven true earlier this year. He is the petty and whimsical type who would use things I have shared with him to hurt me, talk about a low blow when what he needed to do was to apologize, too much to expect from a boy who couldn’t honor his own feelings. Maybe that’s why things I have never told him are ten times in size compared to things I have shared. Maybe I always knew and wanted to save myself the headache, maybe that’s why I had to prioritize my mental health and cut him off. In hindsight it is poetically funny, he stooped so low as I expected him to and yet managed to fail to hurt me. As I had my hopes up to be proven wrong. Maybe it is because trust is inherently hard and real men, real honest men are hard to find. Who knows? Bless his heart I did love him. He is not a bad person after all, just misguided and in need of help. It’s unfortunate it had to go that way with him but still I wish him well, he was still a close friend and I had to mourn the end of our friendship.

oh well... I would say ‘’Wish he was half the man I was then he could make a decent friend’’ and you would explain why it’s problematic to say these things out loud. then I would say okay then he is a petty bitch who didn’t have the balls to confront me when it was time to do so and then dared to insult me years after as if he didn't make himself a complete fool and a laughing stock, and you would reply, fuck that bitch imma pull it out and piss on him. And I would say don’t do that please you know nasty bitches love that shit and that girl aint even my step son and well also you don’t have a dick bitch. 

I laughed again, that girl isn’t around now. 

Do you get what I am saying, do you see my point?

You didn’t tell me much the last time, but I have heard from her that you have been doing good. I always told you that you are destined for many great things, and believe me this is only the beginning for you. From now on, it is only going to get better. I have faith in you. I know you will spend your days surrounded by sweet people who cherish and appreciate you for your kind and honest heart. Just a matter of time before all your dreams are realized.

And thank you for not raking up my mistakes. I know exactly what they are. I let the pain get the best of me and I...hurt you in the process. I secretly wanted you to make me suffer, I hoped you would get mad, shout at me and hit me, just so you could feel better. I wouldn’t raise a single finger had you pointed a gun at me. I think it is the one thing you never understood, I didn’t want you to forgive me. I wanted you to feel better. Even if it means I have to be in more pain, then let it be. I had already so much bruises and cuts. What’s many more, if it’s for you? You know I never cared for death, all I cared for has been love. If one hurts someone they love, they have the responsibility to make the other person feel better, they have to do whatever is necessary to correct the wrongs. But the thing is... you would never hurt me. I am so sorry M. I know you already forgave me, but I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for all the things that went down. You knew my intentions were pure, you knew that I was just a stupid child on the run back then. You knew it was me who was the victim of the show of shadows, of a monster that only god can protect your soul from, and yet, still, why do I still blame myself? I spiraled down and I knew you would come with me had you knew, I would rather die than do that. I left and got lost in the night, I was out on the streets trying to find a hand, any hand. I needed to believe in kindness, that people would do the right thing eventually. No one told me that I shouldn’t gamble away in that way, no one told me that my life wasn’t a child’s play. No one told me that I could get mortally wounded. They never tell you that you will end up in cold hospital room if you go too far. It is a lesson that I had to learn the hard way. And in a way, I died back then. I tried to put on a brave face and shoulder the rain. I failed. You tried to pick up the pieces, but what was there left? I know I annoyed the hell out of you with my habit to always speak the honest truth, but there it was: the truth. I hated myself for the same reason that made you love me. My honesty, my light.  Last summer you asked me how I still remember, I told you it is quite simple: I never forgot. it’s funny how forgetful I have become, apart from my work and studies I barely remember anything. Faces, names, places, conversations disappear like they were never there to me. You see, some things changed, but the core of a person never changes. I am still strange and still made of sun light. And still so dramatic :)) I still cherish the things I once held dear. Some things that will never be forgotten. 

I look forward to walking our dogs on the park and eating ice cream. it’s on me! <3 Wait it’s a promise, isn't it? Oh okay it is. Kiss Lily on the head for me please, I love you. 

[eldritch-spouse]

Breg's s/o thinks he's blind so they walk around scantily clad because he can't see me and maybe they're I little bit of a voyer so if they're getting off and he's in the room they'll just be quiet because he doesn't need to know.. or does he?

[This is so good and absolutely hilarious, holy shit-]

(Minors dni)

Breg should have told you he wasn't blind a long time ago.

In retrospect, it makes sense why you'd assume he's blind. As a human, seeing a creature with smooth skin where eyes should normally lie, and no other vaguely ocular-shaped organs anywhere, you'd naturally assume he's visually impaired in some form. But Breg didn't realize you thought so until it was already too late for the reveal to not make him look like an awkward buffoon. Or an asshole.

He should have known when you asked for his hand to bring him into the supermarket. You thought he was lost outside, couldn't find his way in. Really, Breg was just looking at the display pictures outside- He was standing around, bored. Not only was it a great shock to see his soon-to-be mate approach him, to have you ask if he needed help, take his hand, and lead him in to go shopping for him... The breeder couldn't even put two and two together. He just held onto your tiny hand and nodded along to whatever you said, swooning the entire way.

And thus a weird sort of friendship formed. More of a pity thing, he can tell. Breg is not sure if you pity him because he's supposedly a huge blind monster in a world where everything is out of proportion for his stature or simply because he's a friendless, awkward loser who clearly craves companionship. Maybe a bit of both. Eitherway, even when Breg finally understood you thought he was blind, he couldn't bring himself to correct you. Because you'd treat him differently. You wouldn't care for him the same near zealous way you do now. The breeder doesn't want this to stop. Ever. And it's not like he has to pretend very hard, he can excuse some of his suspicious accuracy on his admittedly enhanced hearing and other inhuman qualities that you're not likely to question.

Plus, he gets to see some... Curious things.

Like you changing right in front of him as if it's nothing. Breg nearly had a heart attack the first time you did it, clawing your poor kitchen table and trying his damnedest to act normal- As if you weren't tits out staring at him. Please, every time he remembers that Breg bursts a blood vessel.

Don't even get him started on the times you've looked him up and down like he was a steak, such as now for example. Here Breg is, merely existing on your small living room couch, and you're sat on the other end, pretending to enjoy TV with him. Pretending, because he can clearly tell you're ogling him every single time he twists his head a little. Having your eyes so shamelessly poised on him is so fucking hot.

You look at the breeder as if he's the most attractive thing in the world and Breg is struggling so very hard to not just shatter the illusion and take you. Would you care if he let himself get hard? What if he pretended to not be aware of it? Is that too on the nose? Probably. So the monster suffers instead, taking note of the way you almost drool at him. When Breg sees you focus on his bare slit, not the first time you've done it, the monster shifts his legs apart subtly. Come on, touch him, fuck him, take a fucking picture or something, just- Calm down Breg, calm down.

It's probably just morbid curiosity. You were hospitable enough to let him undress in your home when he told you how much clothes bother him, and now you're just curious about his anatomy. Yeah, that's it- You're definitely not looking at his slightly flush slit like you want to stick your tongue right in it.

" Are you enjoying the movie so far, Breg? " You ask, angelic voice sounding perfectly normal even as you seem to be sizing him up. He damn near chokes when you silently remove your shirt. There's nothing underneath, you've been in your scarce pajamas ever since the movie started yet spoke as if you were fully dressed to the nines.

" Y-Yeah, sounds cool. " The breeder's tail wags idly. You might mistake the motion for glee concerning this frankly uninteresting comedy flick, but really, he's just a mutt happy to see you half-naked.

" Sweet, I'll go fetch more popcorn for us. " Ah yes, the popcorn he's been indiscriminately shoving in his gullet to distract himself. Right, great choice.

Breg's moment of respite lasts for a couple of blissful minutes until you walk back into view. Sure enough, there's a new bowl of popcorn in your hands. But you're also fucking naked. He understands why humans need religion now. He perks up immediately, and you notice this time.

" Hahah, were you able to smell the popcorn from there? " You laugh almost innocently.

Oh, the popcorn isn't the only thing he's smelling right now. " Yep. "

" You can have it, I don't want any right now. " And you hand it to him, bending to give him a perfect view of your tits. Breg has to force himself to remain impassive even as he gulps and takes the bowl.

" R-Really? Oh- Okay then. "

His mate sits opposite of him on the couch and spreads her legs, eyes fixed on him as she starts mutely playing with herself in plain sight. Are you serious right now?! The breeder makes a strategic move, placing the bowl on top of his lap to cover his slit and prevent him from getting exposed.

There's an expression of mild suffering on his face as Breg weeps internally over not being able to do anything but watch and smell while you get off. This... This is punishment for something, the monster's sure of it.

As is, Breg can only sadly gobble more popcorn in self-consolation and resist the urge to sob.

[jjkyaoi]

i’m bored, and at this point every bit of self control i have has been washed away ages ago, so take these random clingy duo scenarios;

• tommy’s always been the type of person where, if you’re somebody who’s older than him, or stronger than him, or just,,.. better than him, he takes it as a Personal Attack, so the mf is always picking fights w older kids who are a lot bigger than him??? and a lot of the time he fucken loses the fights, because obviously, so he’d always go to tubbo w his injuries and ask tubbo to help him patch up cause he doesn’t know how to do it himself

• TOMMY: tubbo —

• TUBBO: honestly you’re such a fuckin moron, tommy. you’re so dumb, i don’t understand how you’re so dumb?? i told you not to fight w those kids—

• TOMMY: tubbo, i—

• TUBBO; they’re like three times your size, of course they’d beat you, but no! you wouldn’t listen because you think you’re strong, and— *taking out a box of bandaids* ok do you want the micki mouse bandaid or the princess bandaid?

• TOMMY; the micki mouse bandaid 😊

• after tommys duel w dream, tubbo didn’t talk to him for a week. tommy was confused, because they’d just won the war, everything would be fine, he didn’t know why tubbo was so upset, & when he came to tubbo to ask him why he’d been avoiding him? he got scolded about the duel— got yelled at that he’d lost a life during the duel, got scolded that he’d be so reckless w his own life, and even if it was annoying tommy was relieved that tubbo was just concerned, and didn’t actually hate him

• tubbo always used to make friendship bracelets for certain people once they’d garnered his trust & companionship, and tommy always was given the most. even if he didn’t understand the purpose of them & thought they were embarrassing, he always let tubbo give him a new one every day.

• SOMEONE; tubbo gave me a friendship bracelet today! that’s so sweet, don’t you think—?

• TOMMY, with 10 bracelets on each arm; you are nothing.

• every time tubbo would give someone else a bracelet that wasn’t tommy, tommy would get weirdly jealous. every time he’d see someone w a bracelet on from tubbo he’d always sort of,,.. stare at it for a second. he’d always stare at it with absolute Murder in his gaze.

• WILBUR: uh,... tommy?? you okay there, bud?

• TOMMY: what’s that on your wrist.

• WILBUR: oh, it’s, uh. it’s a friendship bracelet that tubbo made for me —

• TOMMY: mhm.

• WILBUR: yeah, it’s purple and everything, it’s really pretty! i’m surprised he made one for me, i— tommy?

• TOMMY; can i have that for a second. can you hand it to me.

• WILBUR: ....sure?

• TOMMY: thanks

• WILBUR: i don’t even know why you want it, i mean, it’s mine —

• TOMMY, breaking the bracelet in in his bare hands; there can only be one, wilbur soot :)

• WILBUR: wh—

• when they were separated in the manberg/pogtopia arc, they would always find a way to communicate w each other. for awhile they used their communicators until those were taken away, and then they starting sending each other letters; most of the time they’d just be notes about what they were doing, and sometimes they’d just be stupid little indecipherable inside joke notes that they’d pass between each other. they were Pen Pals.

• TECHNO: what’re you—what’re you doing, tommy?

• TOMMY: i’m writing to tubbo :]

• TECHNO: oh. okay. well... that’s..,.., can i say see what you’re writing?

• TOMMY, handing techno the paper; yeah sure!

• TECHNO;

• TECHNO; this is just—... this is just a drawing of a giant penis, tommy

• after they were reunited after the festival, they didn’t ever really separate. they were too afraid about what would happen to the other if they were separated again, so they spent their nights in pogtopia just huddled up together in the cold. sometimes they’d even tell each other about how afraid they were without each other; they’d never go into any detail about what they went through, but they’d always just subtly tell ‘em about their fears. they spent the first couple of days in pogtopia, together again, holding each other’s hands for an entire day.

• after tubbo was completely healed from the festival, tommy kept feeling his scars. half out of curiosity, and half to check if tubbo was still there— if he was still alive. it felt a little weird, and tubbo was still a little bit adverse to touch after the festival, but it brought his friend comfort so he let it happen.

• TOMMY, running his hands around tubbo’s scars; can you feel that?

• TUBBO: no. i cant. it just tickles a little, that’s all

• TOMMY: that’s so so weird.

• TUBBO, shrugging; it’s fine. i mean, you’re so fascinate w them so it has to be fine, right?

• TOMMY: why do you care about what i think abt your scars?

• TUBBO; because you’re my tommy! i always care about what you think about me

• tubbos always sort of been self conscious about the scars, as well. he’s never really liked anyone looking at his face for too long; never has liked anyone touching his face but tommy. he’s told tommy that the scars bring too much attention to him, and in response to that tommy brought out a packet of stickers; just random ones he’d found, and started sticking them all over tubbos face.

• TUBBO: what’re you—what’re you doing?

• TOMMY, placing a star sticker on tubbo’s cheek; well, you said that you don’t like the attention your scars bring, right? well, w a fuck ton of stickers on your face they’ll be too focused on how stupid you look to even notice ‘em!

• TUBBO: oh.

• TOMMY: mhm!

• TUBBO: ...thank you tommy :]

• in exile, tommy would go through their old notes that they used to send to each other back in the manberg/pogtopia arc. he was too afraid to actually ever send a note to tubbo himself, but looking back at their stupid little conversations and seeing their stupid little jokes brought him a sense of comfort. sometimes he’d even sleep w/ the notes, curled up at his chest. he didn’t ever tell anyone

• tubbo, however, didn’t ever really give up sending notes. he’d spent hours writing little notes to tommy about the things he’d gotten up to in l’manberg, signing it carefully and making sure his handwriting was perfect; he avoided the sour subjects and doodled little pictures in the corners like tommy always liked. he never got a response.

[cdyssey]

Holiday

Summary: Grace and Frankie have a heart-to-heart after 7x03. | AO3 Link

—

Grace makes margaritas that night to celebrate Grankiekuh, the new holiday that she and Frankie just made up to celebrate the fact that Frankie doesn’t feel the need to make up holidays to avoid her anymore.

“You just squished our names together and threw the -kuh from Hanukkah at the end,” Grace accuses, chuckling. 

Light.

Playful.

Simply exuberant.

Just an hour ago, she was guzzling martinis on the couch with her ex-husband trying to figure out the quickest way to apologize to Frankie for a twenty-year-old mistake.

And now they’re planning a fake holiday together, and everything is somehow right in a world that also features her current husband sleeping in a jail cell.

“You have to admit—it has a certain ring to it,” Frankie hums determinedly. “We could be the new Shefani, the octogenarian Bennifer!”

“Well, don’t expect me to passionately hold your ass on a speedboat anytime soon,” Grace teases as she carefully measures tequila in a cylinder and then pours a little more than the recommended amount just to be safe.

“Nah,” her partner winks conspiratorially. “Just my hand across a candlelit table will do.”

And so they light a scented candle on the dining room table and drink incredibly boozy margaritas and eventually eat Del Tacos takeout that arrives half-an-hour late because the DoorDash driver couldn’t find the beach house. And Frankie laughs about Grace tearing the poor delivery kid a new one. And Grace quietly admires that Frankie still gives the twerp a twenty dollar tip anyway.

“At least he’s got a stronger constitution than Bugs Bunny,” Frankie snorts as she closes the door on yet another shell shocked human being who has encountered the wrath of Grace Hanson.

“That isn’t an impressively tall bar to surmount,” Grace replies, wrapping a fond arm around Frankie’s shoulders.

They talk, they eat, and then they talk some more when all that’s left at the bottom of the brown paper bag are tortilla chip crumbs. They talk a little bit about everything, really—the surprisingly pleasant weather these past few days, Bud’s apparent penis problem, Robert being useless at the dishes, and how delicious Del Tacos is. 

And between them, talking about everything is certainly not the same as talking about nothing.

Because even if they’re only talking about the weather or the dishes or the abysmal states of their children’s genitalia, it’s because they enjoy each other’s company enough to implicitly understand that it’s nice to just sit together at the end of a long, hard day and hear each other’s voices.

Because the little things are nice sometimes.

The day-to-day minutiae and routine of living with another person.

Sharing space with them.

Being present.

Being kind.

And in experiencing another’s unadulterated kindness, becoming whole.

When Grace gets salsa on the corner of her pink mouth, Frankie reaches over and thumbs it off with a kind of casual intimacy that was hard won between them, fought for and so lovingly, so painstakingly earned. 

They love each other.

They’ve surpassed the point where they constantly have to say it aloud.

I love you, Frankie says when she takes extra care to clean the dishes just the way that Grace prefers—something Robert Hanson never quite learned after forty goddamn years of marriage.

And I love you, Grace replies when she unthinkingly puts Frankie’s phone on charge because she realizes it’s on four percent, and her friend can’t fall asleep until she’s listened to meditative whale noises on YouTube for an hour.

And I love you, Frankie doesn’t say when she extends her palm to Grace and tells her that they should stargaze tonight because “Saturn’s vibin’ in the sky.”

And I love you, Grace replies when she threads their fingers together so snugly that their rings clink and replies—without sarcasm, without judgment, without weight, “Sure.”

And I love you, they tell each other as they slowly stagger their way out onto the deck, Grace assuming the right cushion and Frankie taking the left, arm in arm until the very last moment when it makes more sense for them to let go, to find their own equilibrium as the sea breeze sweeps gentle fingers through their hair.

The sky is star-freckled tonight, blushing purple and inky blue.

In the natural silence that follows, however, the moon and the stars and the supposedly vibin’ planets don’t particularly captivate Grace’s attention for very long, so she finds herself staring at Frankie, who’s staring off into space, her tall features bathed in amber porch light.

Something has shifted in her expression in the few elapsed moments since they’ve been outside, her thin brow furrowed, a frown threatening to tug at her lips where there had once been an easy smile. Her slender hands are clasped below her chin in a gesture that Grace has come to associate with introspective thoughtfulness, tinged with a kind of subtle melancholy that Frankie has always maintained that she detests and tries to consciously avoid. 

“Frankie… are you—?

“We only fought for two hours this time,” Frankie interrupts softly, nodding towards the outdoor dining table where the Hanson-Bergsteins had yet another disastrous brunch together. (At least no one broke a bone or got hit with a wiffle bat this time.) “Ha, that’s a new record if I’ve ever heard of one!"

But the joke doesn’t quite reach her eyes, and Grace’s heart sinks somewhere beneath her ribcage. It throbs in her uncomfortably full stomach. She had naively assumed that three margaritas in a piece, the two of them could just skip the part where they rehash the day’s events and openly reflect upon them—but she should have known.

These emotional reckonings are Frankie’s chosen form of healing.

She’s always processed better aloud.

“Fighting with you is the most uninspired pastime I can think of doing these days,” Grace tells her truthfully. “I’d rather resolve our conflicts in five minutes than five hours, so we can catch Jeopardy! together without sitting on the couch in passive aggressive silence… I think we’ve reached a point in our friendship where we can do that… yeah?”

The question comes out a little more vulnerably than she would have liked.

Open-ended and hesitant, it requests an equally honest answer.

And while she knows that Frankie has no qualms about being emotionally honest, Grace also innately understands that she has chronically shied away from honesty about all matters pertaining to herself. 

(When she initially told Nick that she wanted to redefine their relationship, she couldn’t have even told herself what the hell she meant either. She supposes she wants to have her cake and eat it, too—to be in a relationship with Nick and go home to Frankie. But maybe that means she doesn’t really love Nick, that she’s just using him for the ample entertainment he provides: the romance, the easy companionship, the sex. And maybe, at the heart of that unsettling hypothesis, she’s just as much of a stone cold bitch as everyone around her seems to think. Her husband is in jail, and she doesn’t lose any sleep about it. In fact, in her queen-sized bed in the beach house she shares with Frankie, she’s slept better than she has in all the many elapsed and miserable weeks since she said, “I do.”)

“Of course!” Frankie exclaims, her brows arching in surprise. “You say tom-ay-to, I say tom-ah-to, and then we kiss and passionately makeup. That’s exactly where we are nowadays.”

“Then why do you still look like a kicked puppy?” Grace asks shrewdly, folding her arms across her chest. “Or like Sol after his supposedly well-trained dog shit in his Birkenstocks.”

“Does being marginally tipsy on tequila count as an acceptable answer?”

“Nope.”

“Fine then and damn,” Frankie sighs, waving a defeated hand around the empty air. “But don’t hold it to me if I’m not making sense, Grace. I’m thinking rabbit trails tonight. And not, like, rabbit trails of criminally-tampered-with poop, but circles and other weird thoughts that don’t seem to be heading anywhere.”

“Hey, I'm not going anywhere—I’ve got all the time in the world to listen,” Grace replies easily, and this is love, too, without ever uttering the word.

Twenty years ago, she did everything short of making up a holiday to not spend a single moment alone in a room with Frankie Bergstein.

And now, she's done everything short of divorcing her husband to ensure that they're never apart.

Frankie's eyes briefly widen in pleasant surprise at this seemingly unexpected gesture, her parenthetically enclosed mouth curving into a gentle smile—tender and sweet.

Lord, she’s beautiful, Grace thinks to herself as Frankie mulls on her next words.

She thinks this at least twice a day and chalks it up to passive jealousy that someone can look so radiant without ever really trying, by just simply being herself.

“Mm, okay... so I was just thinking about how my thing might actually be worse than yours… and you killed my son’s beloved rabbit,” Frankie says bluntly.

And so clearly!

Like she already fully believes it.

Grace blinks rapidly, not entirely computing what she just heard.

“How the hell did you come up with that conclusion?” She asks, nonplussed. “Like you said, I killed your kid’s rabbit and lied about it for some twenty-odd years. You and Sol just played an elaborate game of hooky.”

Frankie looks torn on whether to laugh or shake her head in clear exasperation of Grace not getting it.

“But the ethical jury in the sky isn’t in on me creating a religious holiday just to avoid you,” she protests with a half-smile. “Or even worse, admitting that’s the reason after all these years. I hurt you, Grace, and I don’t wanna hand wave that away just so we can watch Jeopardy! in peace. I want to check in with you and make sure you’re really okay.”

Even after many years of slowly but surely becoming acquainted with Frankie’s uncanny sensitivity to her emotions, somehow, it’s always still a pure shock when Grace is met with the unadulterated and unconditional extent anyway. She’s still unlearning Robert’s idea of emotional care, which largely involved having a stockpile of generic gifts to placate her various moods and whims.

And frankly, she’s not the most empathetic woman of the year herself.

I hurt you, Frankie said candidly and made no attempt to defend herself, to excuse her actions.

I hurt you, she declared, and it was an I love you at the exact same time.

Grace can hardly swallow, her throat a hundred emotions thick. 

“Hey now,” she eventually rasps, “don’t go all revisionist on me now. I was so fucking mean to you. We don’t play wiffle ball anymore at waffle-and-wiffle brunches because I hit you with a bat.”

“You told me there was a bee in my hair,” Frankie rubs the back of her head wistfully. 

“There totally was,” she grins painfully, “but the bat was a highly unnecessary measure.”

“Grace!” Frankie groans. “Don’t get me sidetracked. I’m trying to be real with you here—I wasn’t a saint by any stretch of the imagination! I could be shitty to you, too.”

But Grace firmly shakes her head at this, her mouth pressed into a thin line, her rebuttal already locked, loaded, and innately known to be true.

“Not as often as I was to you, and rarely did you instigate because I’d already started it,” she insists, venom in her voice, raw and undeniable self-loathing. “If I’d been you dealing with me… God, maybe I’d have needed to make up a holiday, too…”

And even as she says it, the uneasiness in her stomach suddenly solidifies into sharp clarity and even crueler pain as she realizes what’s really been bothering her these past few days—a burgeoning feeling that she’s every bit as “harsh” and “vindictive” as Robert told the FBI lady she could be, even though she’s sworn she’s changed, even though she's wanted to be better.

God knows she's tried to be.

Because of Frankie.

Or maybe even for her.

The two reasons are interchangeable in her mind.

“I… I wasn’t like you, Frankie,” she eventually continues, glancing away so she doesn’t have to face the other’s expression—fearing confirmation of all her awful feelings, monstrously craving pity she’s sure she doesn't deserves. “Hell, I’m still not like you. The fact that my ideal marriage includes my husband being in jail more or less proves that.”

Grace Hanson doesn’t tip confused delivery boys thirty-percent after botched deliveries.

She doesn’t make up fantastical stories about magically disappearing bunnies for her kids so they believe in themselves.

She rarely apologizes for her mistakes.

And she makes a hell of a lot of mistakes.

“Robert called me harsh and often vindictive,” she chuckles humorlessly. “Well, I guess he’s got my number almost better than anyone.”

The ensuing silence following this proclamation stretches long and thin, like a tightrope strung precariously taut, and Grace is about to cave in to the temptation of looking at Frankie again when all of a sudden—

“Bullshit!” Frankie exclaims ferociously. “That’s a whole lot of bullshit, Grace Hanson.”

“Frankie, don’t defend—“

But she quickly reaches over and tightly curls her palm over Grace’s spiny knuckles, demanding her attention and getting it.

In so many years and throughout the span of them, she has been the only one to ever truly earn it.

Grace turns her head and finds Frankie’s oceanic eyes inches away from her face, storm-like in their intensity, piercing all over.

“Robert doesn’t get to use the present tense with you because he doesn’t live with you anymore,” Frankie insists when she knows she has Grace, when Grace can no more look away than a rabbit can actually disappear in a hat. “He doesn’t get to see you the way I do. And let's be honest here, I'm not sure he ever really has."

“And how do you see me?” Grace can barely breathe, only dimly aware that this is yet another needy question, one that can only engender a frighteningly vulnerable response.

Her heartbeat quickens.

She feels the exact striation of Frankie’s finger that is resting on the quarter of a million dollar wedding ring Nick bought for her in Vegas.

In the semi-lit darkness, Frankie’s sharply hewn cheeks feather themselves sunset pink. 

Grace blindly assumes it’s the humidity.

“As someone worth discovering,” she murmurs, “and by discovering, understanding that you’re a pretty darn amazing person to love beneath all those expertly erected walls.”

Frankie leans forward then and presses a chaste kiss on Grace’s head, quick and habitual, like she’s done it a hundred times before. Her floral perfume wreathes her like a warm embrace. Beneath the perfume, she smells like acrylic paint and sea breeze and strange but rich incense—complex and earthy and full of so many vibrant notes.

Heat rises to Grace’s face.

This must be the humidity, too.

“Some people don’t get that,” Frankie continues, moving back to her own cushion again, “and that’s their loss. They’ve never had to carve a pretty statue outta stone before, have never had to work on a relationship with you over time.” 

“So what you’re saying is that it takes work to love me, huh?” Grace raises a teasing eyebrow, even though she's not exactly sure that this is the appropriate time and place to make a joke. But the alternative to lightly joking is to internalize the words that Frankie just said, to truly contemplate what it means that there's at least one person in this world who'll wait for her—despite her many walls and damn them.

“It takes work to ever love anybody, really,” Frankie shrugs easily. 

It’s an unsurprisingly sage take—Frankie’s always been good at emotions and relationships and all of the other important and dauntingly human stuff—but it’s also one that gets Grace to thinking about Nick again, about his kindness and his persistence and about his dedication to wanting to make things to work.

She’s beginning to get an inkling of what it might mean that she doesn’t want to meet him halfway, kind and persistent and dedicated though the man might be.

That if she had to choose again between husband and home, there would be no contest.

There would be no hesitation.

So perhaps there are two people in the world who would wait for her, but of those two, Grace knows there's only one whom she would invite to stay.

“Happy Grankiekuh, Frankie,” Grace says, leaning her head against her best friend’s shoulder. “I like discovering you, too.”

“Well, you should! I’m a fucking delight.”

“Don’t push it.”

“Ha, never.”

But in the end, Frankie intertwines their hands together, and the silence of this action is its own unmistakable and resonant reply.

I love you.

Grace Hanson is loved.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 06 (first part)

(Masterpost)(Episode 05)

Warning: This contains spoilers for All 50 Episodes

Bad Boys Bad Boys What You Gonna Do

Nie Huasang’s brought his nuts, and someone’s brought wine, so the boys are drinking in Wei Wuxian’s guest house. Finally he gets to drink some of the Emperor’s Smile wine that he’s been doing all those product placements for.

Boys, get a bowl or something for your shells, were you raised in a barn?

Wei Wuxian hits on waxes poetic about the wine, and Jiang Cheng tells him to shut up. 

Wang Zhuocheng’s raw-fish-eating face may have failed him, but his drunk faces do not disappoint.

Wei Wuxian teases Jiang Cheng about his list of standards for a chick: She should have natural beauty, be virtuous and caring, from a good family, not too talkative, with a gentle voice, and not too capable. Also she should not spend too much money. Drunken running ensues.

Cue Maple Leaf Rag by Scott Joplin

(more behind the cut)

Much of the fandom has decided this list is a good fit for Nie Huaisang himself, and it sorta is. But he is both talkative and unvirtuous, what with all the current sneakiness, and all the eventual murders. 

This also definitely doesn't fit Wen Qing because she's capable as hell.  

This list is, however, a 100% a match for Jiang Yanli. Not in a weird, Jin Guangyao way--a lot of men want to marry a woman like their sister.  In a gender-divided and generation-divided society, a man’s sister might be the only woman he’s ever known well. Jiang Cheng adores Yanli and she’s his ideal model of a woman, as opposed to his mother, who...isnt.  

All these robes and talismans over the door do nothing to stop Lan Wangji from strolling in.  

Okay so - Lan Wangji is the senior disciple of the Lan Clan, yea? There is no way that patrolling the guest area is in any way his job. He is just walking around here at night specifically to see what Wei Wuxian is doing.

I already did a gifpost of the boys and their totally nonsexual horseplay, over here. I’ll just add, for sad factor, that Jiang Cheng is play-choking Wei Wuxian when they’re all on the bed, and later in the running-and-crying episode he is gonna for-real choke him. Foreshadowing! or maybe just coincidence!

One fun thread running through the young-cultivators episodes is that Nie Huaisang is legit terrified of Lan Wangji while also having a major aesthetic crush on him. Look at how flustered he is here, trying to act sober while also checking him out. 

Lan Wangji is shocked and visibly upset - what are you guys doing? This is not his busting face, this is, for a moment, his vulnerable and disillusioned face. He is super not used to what normal people are like. 

Wei Wuxian doesn't lie or otherwise try to get off the hook, which has got to have Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang grinding their teeth in frustration. He invites Lan Wangji to join them for a drink. LWJ cites a the “no drinking on campus” rule and WWX tries to convince him to chill. 

Then we have this lovely coordinated faint by the boys, to get out of going to get punished. Nie Huaisang has been practicing fainting in front of a mirror just in case he ever needs a skill like that in the future. 

Wei Wuxian keeps trying to turn this into a date. Eventually Lan Wangji is so upset he admits he can’t take all three of them by himself. 

Then the boys run away fake-barfing and Wei Wuxian hits Lan Wangji with a talisman. 

Steal His Agency That’s What You’re Gonna Do

What Wei Wuxian does to Lan Wanji here is definitely wrong. But it's not entirely a disaster.  It allows some crucial information to be shared between them, and it results in Wei Wuxian getting the utter shit beat out of him and never doing this again. I mean, he continues to mind-control his enemies and their eventual corpses, but he doesn't intentionally violate a friend or ally's autonomy in the future. Uhh not counting that whole golden core surgery-without-consent situation. And probably some other situations I’ve forgotten. He improves slightly, okay? 

It’s important to note, incidentally, that the Lan rules about drinking and other “vices” should not be viewed through a Christian lens. The Lans are neither puritans nor ascetics (look at their clothes, furniture, and jewelry, for starters). Being drunk is forbidden probably because it’s a loss of self-control. 

Speaking of self-control, mad props to Wang Yibo for being able to have zero physical reaction to fingers snapping in his face.

Drunk Lan Wangji

Under duress, Lan Wangji knocks back a cup of wine and promptly passes most of the way out. 

Wei Wuxian puts Lan Wangji into bed not unkindly, but pretty much like a sack of potatoes. Compare this to how tenderly he handles Lan Wangji the next time he’s drunk. 

WWX tells LWJ to call him Wei Gege, and giggles. Is this a term of endearment in this context? So far the various boys are calling each other -xiong, not -ge or gege.  In Western media, men calling each other “bro” is basically saying “no homo,” but brotherhood and sisterhood in C-Drama is often a way of indicating stronger love than friendship, without saying whether it's sexual or not. 

They finally start to have a conversation, and when Lan Wangji explains that no-one can touch his headband except, etc etc, Wei Wuxian stops trying to touch it. So at least he's not a handsy bastard in addition to all his other faults. 

Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji that his clan is boring and women won't want to marry him. Lan Wangji says that's fine. On one level this is the show acknowledging that he's gay, but I think he's responding in a gender-neutral way; he doesn't want to marry anyone. Marriage, from his perspective, is the literal worst. 

We don't know how he felt about his father, but he definitely loved his mother deeply, and she had a profoundly unhappy marriage, in which her husband did not provide companionship and her children were taken from her.

A note about all that: The dynamics of heterosexual marriages in The Untamed are not based on contemporary companionate marriage. Sex and reproduction is a wife's job in this world, and giving a gentry woman the option to choose her husband is radical. Wei Wuxian is the only one who dares say that Jiang Yanli should have a choice when Jin Guangshan casually tries to give her to his son in front of everyone.  

OP made this today but will totally reuse it when episode 23 rolls around

So Lan Wangji’s parents' marriage was extremely problematic but not necessarily for the reasons it would be in contemporary terms. Having signed on to marry Lan Dad, Mom would have expected to live together and get laid regularly (important for health, in some traditional views, regardless of love/no love) and to have the company of her children. Instead, she was isolated. Lan Dad wanted to have it both ways and so even though he loved her and apparently hooked up with her sometimes, he didn't do his duty by her. She didn't love him but she did her duty. 

Wei Wuxian continues to not get it, calling Lan Wangji dull and babbling about Lan Wangji’s parents until he realizes that LWJ is an orphan like him. 

A nice shift happens here. Once the penny drops, Wei Wuxian doesn't ask a single additional question - he just sees - by reading Lan Wangji’s face - what the deal is, and shares his own story to show he understands. 

This is the first time Wei Wuxian mentions being chased by dogs, which is kind of a big deal, because why was he left all alone when his parents died? 

Why didn't anyone take him in before Jiang Fengmian found him? How isolated are independent cultivators in this world? 

Tea Time

Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen are having tea, and the Lan Clan is so uptight they don't touch each other's teacups. I don't know what this thing is called so I'm going to call it a tea speculum. 

Lan Qiren is back from the cultivation conference and says the red crack plague is happening over in Qinghe where the Nie clan lives.  Lan Xichen fills him in on the water demon, specifically saying Wei Wuxian figured out the connection to the red crack dudes, and explaining who WWX is, as if Lan QIren hadn't already thrown stuff at him and threatened to eventually kill him. 

Fun fact that I just noticed this week so didn't make it into earlier posts: In Episode 46, when Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are in the Jiang ancestral hall, WWX says he was often punished to kneel there, and LWJ said that they heard about this in Gusu.  

So when WWX came to Gusu he already had a reputation as a troublemaker, and the Lan brothers were aware of it.   

Busted and Beaten

A Lan snitch comes in to say that Wei Wuxian has successfully corrupted Lan Wangji, which really shouldn’t cause as much surprise as it does.

“Wei Wuxian got drunk”

“Lan Wangji got drunk”

Lan Xichen takes a moment to consider carefully whether Wei Wuxian is a good friend for his little brother and whether perhaps he was too hasty in throwing them together. Ha ha ha no he doesn’t. 

On the punishment porch, Lan Xichen tries to lecture Lan Wangji in a calm way, but Lan Qiren wants to beat him and Lan Wangji wants to get beat. Wei Wuxian can’t understand why Lan Wangji doesn’t let him take the blame for the drinking. 

Lan Qiren goes way the fuck overboard with this punishment because he's angry--losing control and losing his sense of proportion--and Lan Xichen is shocked. The drone camera watching from above is also shocked.  

Lan Qiren has a few (very few) redeeming qualities, but his extreme rigidity and chronic resentment of anyone he perceives as bad are serious problems. His nephews are both struggling with complex moral quandaries as they get older, and he is absolutely no help to them in resolving their conflicts.

This is definitely...a style of parenting & teaching, but you can see how poorly it works, with Lan Wangji straight up saying “fuck it” after many years of conformity.  Lan Xichen is devoted to the middle path and tries to be obedient. But he is actually not walking anywhere near the middle path, as he gets pulled into colluding with a murderer at the same time as getting dragged onto his brother’s carnival ride. These men need parenting that isn’t so, uh, fucking stupid. (Yes, grown adults still need good parenting; watch Go Ahead if you doubt me) 

Wei Wuxian initially yells and falls down when he gets hit, but then he sees Lan Wangji is taking the beating without any reaction and he tries to do the same. 

Aftermath

Jiang Yanli gently lectures the boys, blaming Jiang Cheng for Wei Wuxian's drinking.  Jesus Christ, he's the younger sibling, could you just NOT, Yanli?  

Both boys ask Yanli not to tell their parents. The boys bicker about who's at fault and then Wei Wuxian shifts to baby voice and starts whining to Yanli about the pain. 

Yanli tells him to suck it up, and says after school she'll -- ok and I know this will be a surprise for everyone -- make soup for them. The boys immediately get back on the same team, which is team Please Put Meat In the Soup.

There's a nice character building moment for Wei Wuxian here. When he sees Lan Xichen he initially turns away to avoid running into him, but then he adults-up and goes to face him and greet him, giving him a half of a bow because of the pain, the pain. Rather than complaining about his punishment he meekly asks if he's broken another rule. 

Lan Xichen tells him that he did wrong but that Lan Qiren’s punishment was too harsh, and then in what is one of my favorite Lan Xichen moments, invites Wei Wuxian to use the cold spring to heal, but doesn't invite Jiang Cheng to go with him even though Jiang Cheng also was beaten. Lan Xichen, Matchmaker Auntie Extraordinaire. 

Then he answers Wei Wuxian’s question about his mom by saying she was just like Wei Wuxian and drove Lan Qiran up the wall. Jiang Cheng's reaction to that is really sweet. He does enjoy Wei Wuxian at the same time as being constantly irritated by him. 

Lan Xichen does his patented “breaking off in the middle of saying something and leaving out a chunk of the story” maneuver, although this time he doesn't include a flute solo. 

OP is mildly obsessed with Xuan Lu’s shoulders in this outfit. Also Yanli has an interesting sword, that's got some wood carving similar to Subian, but without the organic look, which OP only noticed because of screen capping Xuan Lu’s shoulders.  

Club Ruohan

Wen Qing continues to be pretty and slightly evil at this stage, sending magic fire notes to her boss using this talisman that is definitely floating in the air and not just hanging from a string. 

Wen Ruohan is in the mosh pit with his zombie groupies while he reads Wen Qing’s extremely vague status update and says "it all makes sense." 

Reach out and touch faith

Soundtrack

Maple Leaf Rag by Scott Joplin Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode

Writing Prompt

How did Wei Wuxian’s parents die?

Admin Notes

I’m going to start spacing out my “first part” and “second part” posts by a few days.  I’ll update this post to link up the second part once I post it, and my masterpost is always up to date. 

Also: if you want more of my original content but don’t want to follow my whole blog (not following is fine!), I keep a pinboard of fun stuff at the top of my blog. I try to post original content at least once a week.

Continued in the second part later this week!

[sepublic]

I’ve been binge reading all your amazingly thoughtful analyses and I was wondering, if you could give the Blight Twins their own episode, (like separate one for Edric and one for Emira because I’ve seen how twins don’t want to bunch together all the time and be their own person) what would you want it to be about?

           OH-HO, this is SUCH a flattering ask and I really must thank you for it! It means a lot…

           With Emira, I hate to be obvious, predictable, main-stream, and pick a low-hanging fruit… But I want her to meet Viney. Emira is someone who is concerned the most of the two about having an actual identity on her own, and this likely includes making friends… So why not go get to know the Detention Kids, who are already rebellious in their own way, but while still managing to flex their individuality?

           Just imagine an episode of Emira getting to know Viney, maybe wanting to be close… But Viney, well. She’s someone who’s defensive because she’s been hurt in the past, and after what she’s heard of the Blights and Emira’s penchant for illusions, she is rightfully going to be suspicious. So we’ll have Emira possibly wanting to abuse the Secret Room of Shortcuts for pranks, but then Viney wants to preserve it mostly as an educational tool, and Emira doesn’t CARE for education…

           And this could lead to Em perhaps being too dismissive and even harsh towards Viney, because she seems like someone who while she tries to self-reflect, she sometimes doesn’t fully realize when she’s just parroting her parents’ abuse. And so we have Emira learning to be more mature and straight-forward, to cease the pranks and mind Viney’s feelings and uncertainty… Being truthful and tender to lower her guard, and Emira actually having to openherself to another person that isn’t Edric.

          Perhaps Em admits WHY she’s like this to Viney, who also introduces her side of the story… And they get to be actual friends! Emira learns to respect who Viney is as well as her interests, Viney gives Em a chance and lets her in figuratively AND literally… Maybe Emira even discovers an actual enjoyment of certain classes beyond Illusions! Or she doesn’t, but either way she may not be too much like Viney, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be friends! And not being like someone she’s close to is… HONESTLY what Emira was aiming for, only now she can still respect these differences too!

          As for Edric…

          Edric is a dude who prioritizes companionship over all-else. But he’s also kind of a goofy kid sometimes, and that’s worth noting. Depending on how Lilith’s character development goes, and how she ALSO was someone who was clingy towards her own sister and didn’t respect Eda’s autonomy as an individual to be her own person, insisting that being together mattered most… I’d LOVE to see Lilith perhaps give Edric a few pointers on this, maybe here them talk about their feelings of crippling loneliness! Let Ed get to be a dumb kid sometimes while Lilith isn’t sure what to make of his antics while Luz just enables him. It’d be amazing to see Lilith and Edric talk about their respective relationship towards Amity…

          Ed knowing this is the lady Amity looked up to, having had reservations because she was a bootlicker; But then Lilith threw it all away –albeit not entirely willingly- for Eda and Luz! So, maybe she IS good for something after all…! Meanwhile, Lilith possibly knows of Amity’s occasional issues with her twin siblings…

          And she thinks of her own time with Eda. So, she decides to impart some wisdom to Edric, about how you should always love your sibling and never go too far, while still letting them be a person… And somewhere along the way, Edric realizes this wouldn’t just apply to him and Amity, but him and Emira too.

          Then Lilith and Edric form a found-family bond, maybe Ed accidentally calls her Mom as well… Maybe even Lilith lets him have fun with King and Owlbert, because the kid wanted pets as a child but never got them because of his strict parents! Not sure how King would feel about Edric though, but I could also imagine them getting into some WEIRD antics alongside Luz! And come to think of it…

          Maybe a pet WOULD help Edric’s issues, though unfortunately I can’t really see Lilith being able to help by getting in a good word with the Blight Parents given her, um, employment status. And if Edric could just get away with hiding a pet through illusions, he’d have probably done it by now, so. On another note, Lilith and Edric both wear glasses (or at least Lilith used to), so I’d LOVE to see the two become more comfortable about doing that around each other.

          For either twin, maybe both, I’d also like to explore their thoughts on Willow… They knew she was Amity’s best friend, but did they know WHY Amity cut ties? They seemed legit concerned in Lost in Language over the way ‘Amity treats people’, so I think the twins had worries about Amity pushing away her best friend like that, potentially because of their parents (though to what degree they had no idea)! Not to mention, how do the Twins feel about Boscha…?

          Boscha is ALSO a trouble-maker, and a bit of a bully herself; Though I don’t think to the same extent as Ed and Em were, and arguably without as much of a reason for it. This was someone Amity hung around with for years, do they know it was against her will? Surely the Twins realized how little Amity smiled around Boscha and her posse, did they have concerns that Amity was being too cold to them, not realizing Amity was forced to hang out with them to begin with?

          How do they feel about Boscha and Amity being on bad terms, about the former breaking the latter’s leg… And what was Boscha’s perspective on the two, and how Amity disliked them? Maybe Ed and Em are harsh towards Boscha for the Grudgby incident, but then they also seem pretty open-minded when it comes to people outside of their family… So maybe they consider Boscha’s side of the story and how Amity WAS cold to her and the others. And maybe the twins learn about what their parents ordered, and tell Boscha to give some peace of mind for her, to give closure…

          Sure it hurts for Boscha to hear Amity never DID like her, but in this case, it really IS for her own good. Maybe it’ll be like Understanding Willow, only instead of Luz it’s Ed and Em, and instead of Willow it’s Boscha; Perhaps we learn more of Boscha’s background, and we get to see her and Amity reconcile, perhaps with Boscha finally learning to respect Willow and Luz on Amity’s behalf… Or they at least acknowledge that both were put into a messed-up situation, a false and thus unhealthy friendship, and decide to leave without any grudges. Who knows?

           I’d honestly love to see Ed and Em perhaps act as like… surrogate older siblings to Boscha, because now they get to make more friends outside of the family (and at least their parents can’t disapprove of Boscha), and they talk about their own mutual concerns and thoughts of Amity, with the twins vouching for Amity while at the same time considering what Boscha has to say and relaying that… Maybe the twins, who are willing to be self-aware, even if they’re not the best at it, tell Boscha to cut out the bullying, that she doesn’t need to be on top or be beholden to what anyone else says!

          I think it’d be sweet, honestly, and I’d love to see more of Boscha’s friends for that matter! Because we know that while Amity was never close to any of them, she’s still an inherently good person and thus felt bad about injuring them in Grudgby; Especially since to Amity’s perspective, she’s no doubt been ‘lying’ to Boscha about their friendship, even if it wasn’t her fault!

          But, yeah… Sorry for getting a little off-topic, but given how much this show stresses relationships and found family, and blood-family being obligated to RESPECT the found family of their relatives… I just think it’d be fascinating to see, on top of Emira and Edric having their own personal journeys of self-discovery! Because as we see with Luz, being your own individual doesn’t mean cutting ties from everyone else, and arguably…

          Making new connections can HELP one make an identity! Because you still choose to make connections not out of obligation, need, and situation… But because it’s what you want and it’s all YOU as a result, because desires are a reflection of a person! And maybe then, Emira and Edric can go back to being Twins and closest friends, now closer than ever in a healthy sense, because now they’re still their own individuals and respect one another as such, and are fine with letting each other be people!

          That they know who they are, and so the Twins don’t need to worry about losing sight of that identity whenever they hang around, because in the end… While MAYBE some of their closeness came as a result of having no one else and needing companionship against their parents, I really do believe that Emira and Edric, despite potential fears suggesting otherwise, DO love and enjoy one another’s company and always will, perhaps more than they do others’! And as long as they’re their own people, that wouldn’t even be a bad thing, honestly…

          Just, the idea of Emira and Edric trying to figure out who they are separate from one another, and in learning so, their bond with each other becomes even stronger and healthier! That they become more comfortable, and more close, because they can afford to be truly honest without worrying about losing the other and having nobody else!

          Once the confusion of who they are is cleared, the Blight Twins can go back to enjoying one another unconditionally, neither worrying about being different nor the same! Just natural sibling love…! No more concern about losing oneself amidst the other, because Emira and Edric are truly their own people now, and thus they aren’t dependent upon one another and can be fully healthy to each other!

          Maybe by the end of their respective journeys, Emira and Edric learn to respect the wishes of one another, while still staying the same… With Edric realizing that he can’t hold onto Emira possessively, and Emira recognizing Edric’s genuine love and concern for her, that she doesn’t need to ‘cut ties’ to be her own person!

          …Look, I just have FEELINGS about these twins, because they’re the children of the Blight Parents and that alone implies issues, but we already SEE a few concerning things, and I just want them to reconcile after Grom and heal from the pain of rejection! Them being stood up is the last we see of Emira and Edric both in terms of official content and chronology, I demand CLOSURE and emotional reparations for these kids!

[sea-and-storm]

BETTER WITH AGE : Ghoa Mankhad

PROMPT : Describe your muse at ages 20, 40, and 60!

Tagged by @afreesworn, so blame her for this rambly bit of quasi-prose because when I saw this meme, it decided to live stubbornly rent-free in my head until I finally sat down and wrote it out. But it's late and I'm rusty, so excuse the inevitable clunky writing and weird stream-of-consciousness rambling. x:

Also I haven't been on tumblr in a hot minute and I'm probably gonna go on a meme spree here soon so I'll spare people from a tagfest since I have no idea who has or hasn't done these. :T

So uh, if you see this and wanna do it, just.. consider yourself tagged!

-- AGE 20 . . .

At age twenty, Ghoa is only just gaining her first true taste of freedom. It hasn't been long since she left the Steppe behind, fleeing a life of violence and oppression at the mercy of others' cruel whims.

Kugane is still very much a foreign land to her, equal parts terrifying and intoxicating. It is a city whose lifeblood is the trading of koban, unlike the bartering and trading -- and the taking by force -- that is prevalent in the lands she calls -- no, called her home.

Even more awkward to her is the earning of coin; but for that problem, there is an unexpected solution. Her name is Ino, a hyuran native of the land Ghoa now finds herself in. The only things that come more easily to her than her usual cocksure grins are the coins that she seems to have a knack for getting her fingers on. She readily takes the wayward Xaela under her wing, and together they begin to dream of schemes to turn their lives around. Gods know they both deserve it after the difficulties they've both already lived through.

At twenty, Ghoa doesn't yet know that this relationship born of mutual survival will soon grow into something more. Friendship. Companionship. Love. She's even less aware that the same relationship that pulled her up from the darkness of the past will end in yet more tragedy. She's blissfully unaware of the scars that this loss will one day leave behind, an invisible guilt that would linger with her for many, many long years to come no matter how hard she tries to outrun it.

As for the Storm? There have certainly been times in her twenty years that she has felt the itch of electricity arc across her palms, aching to be released. Yet she has kept it pushed deep down, kept tightly under control. Her upbringing has led her to fear the power born to her. Rather than continue to train to control it, she opts instead to push it down, push it away. It rumbles like darkened clouds on a distant horizon, the occasional faint but harmless rumble of thunder carried upon the winds. That rumble begs for her to let it loose, to let the rains and winds and lightning break free around her. Instead, she turns a blind eye, pretending not to hear its pleading as she looks towards what she hopes to be a sunny future.

-- AGE 40 . . .

At age forty, Ghoa has gone through a gamut of changes that she never could have anticipated.

She has loved and lost, and she has blamed herself for it. She's roamed far and wide, half searching for a place that she might call 'home' and half attempting -- without success -- to outrun the ghosts of the past. Her life has turned towards the dark, towards the selling of illicit potions and dangerous poisons and the ever-profitable trade of secrets. She has become a creature of hedonism and selfishness, closing her heart towards those around her and putting her own needs and whims above all else. She has finally learned what it seems her earlier years had perhaps been trying to teach her all along: that the joys of the world belong only to those strong enough and clever enough to climb upon the backs of others to grasp them. And she has vowed never to let another climb upon her in their own pursuit ever again.

It would have been easy for her to continue down this path, to continue down it until nigh impossible to turn back. Yet within these twenty years, chance has once again placed someone in her path that would radically change her life's trajectory. Rather, she met several someones. She calls them friend, lover, kin.. but most of all, at age forty, she calls them family. Blood or not, she has come to share a deep and profound bond with each of them.

Through them and their various trials and tribulations, she has come to see that she was wrong. Joy is not the sole providence of those who seize it by force of will. It belongs to those whose backs have been tred upon, yet still rise up from the darkness -- often with one another's help -- time and again. It belongs to those who refuse to give into despair and anger and bitterness, no matter how tempting. It belongs to those who are strong enough to allow themselves to be vulnerable and feel, rather than closing themselves off to everything and everyone around them.

At age forty, Ghoa can say without hesitancy or reservation that she is surrounded by those she cares for and whom care for her in turn. In coming to love them, she's come to love herself. Most of all, she has learned that her 'home' is not a physical place. It exists at a table full of drinks and raucous laughter. It exists in a conversation first awkward and quickly turned warm from a man who is at once unknown and yet achingly familiar to her. It exists wrapped in strong arms, even as tears well in her eyes and her clutching fingers are reluctant to ever let go.

Home is where she can be with those she loves, and perhaps that yet undiscovered realization is why Ghoa has been so very restless her entire life.

These past twenty years have yielded to her one more life-altering realization: that she can no sooner deny the Storm within her than she can deny her very self. It runs in her blood, electrifies her soul. Suppressing it is suppressing herself and, after all, had Ghoa not long ago vowed never to allow herself to be suppressed again?

Though the reunion has been long in the making, Ghpa's bond with the Storm feels like catching up with a long lost friend. At times, it is awkward and uncomfortable and even explosive. Others, they are in perfect harmony with one another. Regardless, Ghoa no longer winces at the rumbling skies as they approach, but looks instead with eagerness as the wind and rain begin to whip around her. Her breath hitches in excitement with each flash of lightning and roaring peal of thunder. They're discovering each other all over again after so long apart, and it will take time.. But it is a start that Ghoa has eagerly made.

-- AGE 60 . . .

At age sixty, Ghoa has begun to show the ravages of time. Her hair, once the color of breaking waves, has darkened and faded in vibrancy over the years. Lines have begun to form at her eyes and at the edges of her smile; their initial coming, of course, much to her dismay. Yet for what she has traded in youthful beauty, she's gained in poise. There's a certain air she keeps, a wisdom and a knowing sense that has come from a long life full of the lowest lows and the highest highs, from a life lived well and to its fullest.

She looks back now on the past six decades and sees all the past versions of herself with renewed clarity and understanding. The scared young woman just trying to survive the cruel hand dealt to her. The one who at one turn felt hope and love for the first time, and then just as quickly replaced both with guilt and self-loathing. The woman who convinced herself that she was better off putting herself above all others, caring not for who she hurt in the process. And yet, there is also the woman who found herself caring so much for those around her that she would fling herself into the face of danger to protect them at a moment's notice.

Ghoa looks back on these women now and realizes there was no one single point at which she became herself. She is the sum of all the parts of her life, both bitter and sweet. Even the worst moments of her life, she realizes now, eventually lead to change -- growth -- within herself. Though.. perhaps not in a linear fashion, as Ghoa was ever wont to stumble along the way. But with that realization now comes acceptance, peace, and healing. For the first time, she is able to look back at her years without picking out all the parts she wishes she could change.

Now at sixty, Ghoa has likely lost some of those she cares for along the way, gone but never forgotten nor less loved. Yet as always, the Storm within remains her most constant companion. Gone are the days where she fears its power or it roars out of her grasp unbidden. There is a mutual respect and understanding between them, and with that comes a power she never knew.

Once as a girl, Ghoa watched as Elder Unegen called lightning down from the sky upon herself and walked away not only whole, but embraced by arcing jolts of electricity curling protectively around her until she released them back unto the sky. She doubted back then that she could ever be so powerful. Yet now, Ghoa has not only performed the same feat, but she has done so in front of the next generation of Stormcallers. She will fill them with awe at what is possible, and she will guide them with a gentle but firm hand as any Elder Stormcaller aught now that she has come full circle and returned to the very tribe in which her long story began.

[kiki-is-writing]

the beginning and end of everything UPDATE!!!

DISCLAIMER: This is my original work. I choose to share my work here and here specifically for my comrades in the writing community. Plagiarism in any form will not be tolerated. 

HI EVERYONE! I FINISHED MY NOVEL! Whooo hoooo!!!

It’s actually sort of surreal, I started it in June of 2020 and now it’s 2021 and it’s over! Ty, Jude, Ada, Dorothy, and Madison have been living in my head since October 2019, and less than a year and a half later, they’ve been brought to life! Crazy!!

A summary in case you forgot/are seeing this and don’t know who the hell I am:

Ty Kassisieh has no direction. He’s just graduated college with a degree he doesn’t care about and no clue what to do with his life. Per his parent’s request to be more like his genius twin sister Ada, he picks up a job at a local library to save some money. There, he meets his coworker Jude, who’s stuck in a position not too far from his own, and Ty immediately sees the potential for companionship. But after speaking to him, Ty discovers Jude is everything he isn’t: he’s cold, introverted, aloof, and worst of all, humorless. Soon, Ty forgets all about his initial goal and becomes determined to crack Jude and see what makes him tick. 

Ty’s journey of self-discovery is uprooted completely as what begins as an investigation blossoms into a friendship, and then into something more. Ty is forced to confront the feelings he’s been pushing down since high school and come to terms with himself, his family, and the relationships he thought would never change. It’s only when he befriends a young library patron, Madison, that he finally begins to see the world for what it is and figures out how to pave his own path.

Here are some stats!

Word count: 65,900 (it’ll get at least 20k words longer)

Genre: Romantic comedy

POV: third person limited, present tense

Characters: Ty, Jude, Ada, Madison, Dorothy, Diane, Omar, Paul, Uncle Hubie, Ethel

Chapters: 15

Font: Times New Roman (sorry)

This was my second novel, but the first novel where I actually knew what I was doing, at least a little bit. And holy shit, I learned SO much about my writing process:

1. I cannot pants for the life of me. I have no idea what I’m doing without an outline. But sometimes, the outline doesn’t know best. I added a ton of subplots and off-the-cuff scenes halfway through that have no set up, gave up on subplots that weren’t working halfway through, it’s a disaster of a plot. BUt the important thing is that I know how to make it perfect. I know what the story needs and how to get that.

2. Why can I only write in bursts? I wrote like seven chapters, half the novel, in the month of July. There was a day where I wrote almost 5,000 words. And last night, I wrote for 6 hours straight, without eating, drinking, or going to the bathroom (because frankly, I forgot those things existed) and I cranked out a chapter and a half in a DAY. I had such a headache and was very hungry by the end, but it was SO REWARDING. 

3. I noticed while drafting is how often bits of my real life bled through. Little anecdotes, arguments, dynamics and experiences. Those who know me particularly well can probably pick out little allusions to either some of my past works, my friends, and myself.

It was 1:00 AM when I finished, and I live on the east coast of the U.S. so we’d just had a huge Nor’easter (New England for blizzard) and I went outside in the middle of the night, in my pajama pants and my uggs, and stood in my backyard and looked at the trees and processed the fact that wow, I just wrote a novel. It was cathartic and beautiful and I 110% recommend standing in snow up to your knees by yourself in the middle of the night. Very peaceful. 

As exciting as it is to be done, it’s kind of weird to be ending it. I started this novel from Ty’s first person POV, and he was just kind of another goofy, dorky character that shared my own sense of humor as well as my sense of perfectionism. But as I wrote, not only did I realize that third person worked so much better, but I started realizing how much of me and my own journey as a queer person had gone into this. It turned from a light-hearted, silly rom-com with little depth, a fun summer project to keep myself busy, to the most self expressive story I’ve ever written. I didn’t expect it to come out with much deeper meaning, it was summer and I was on a light-hearted rom-com kick, and life was carefree and silly and I wanted a book that reflected it. And then, school started, and life just descended into absolute chaos, and it was November, and it was NaNoWriMo, and I was writing my novel while watching CNN for a week straight. (But it all turned out great! New president!)

I can’t remember exactly when I started to incorporate my own struggles growing up as a queer kid, but somehow they bled through in the second half. The last scene of the book is (no spoilers) an incredible breath of fresh air for Ty. It’s something I can only wish for every queer teenager, that moment where you can finally be unapologetically and authentically queer without that nagging worry in the back of your mind. I’ve struggled over this past year with my identity, and as Ty found his place, I found mine as well. 

Seriously, writing this book was one of the best experiences I’ve had. Yes, the entire time I had a separate document open, writing down every little thing that needs to change, but I legitimately feel excited for draft 2 and continuing working on this project. I think about how much this book helped me, unconsciously creating the story that I needed to hear, and how maybe, in ten, fifteen years, some queer teenager will be wandering around a bookstore and pick up The Beginning and End of Everything. Maybe just because the cover is pretty. Maybe they like the F. Scott Fitzgerald reference in the title. Maybe they heard about it on Twitter somewhere. But they pick it up, and see themselves in Ty, or in Jude, or in Madison. I know every book that gave me that feeling, I cherish them so deeply, and all I really want is for someone to get that feeling from something I wrote. To see themselves in the pages and know they’re not alone. It’s cheesy, but it’s true, and it’s important. 

I think one of my favorite themes in the novel is the whole ‘someone’s got your back’ thing. I 100% did not mean for it to go in the way it did, but I was writing this as I was going through some Stuff, some stuff in which I realized that having someone, just one person in your corner can mean the entire world, if only for that moment. And if there’s no one in your corner when you need it, you can be in someone else’s when they need it. Frankly, I love how it plays out throughout the novel. There was always that theme of Ty and Madison sort of being there for each other, but as I found myself in the first semester of the school year building new friendships with incredible, smart, funny people (albeit most of that being online) and strengthening old bonds, it worked its way in, and it fits perfectly. It adds depth and strength to the story I couldn’t have done consciously. 

Essentially, it is still the romantic comedy I intended it to be, but it’s also a coming-of-age (except much older than the traditional coming-of-age). Watching some of my close friends and family graduating college and continuing to struggle with their identities and places in the world I think is what truly carved out this idea. Because not everyone has everything figured out as soon as they graduate, and I feel like, as a teenager, that’s something my friends and I really need to get through our heads. A lot of us expect to have everything figured out as soon as we turn 18. But, we’re 18. There’s a lot of life ahead of us, and we can’t possibly know what we’re going to do so young. So I think that was my main source of inspiration for this novel, and I’m really proud of the way that fleshed out. Of course it needs lots and lots of work, but. I like it. The way my personal life bled through and strengthened the story is incredible to reflect on. Honestly, I really, truly, cannot wait to start working on draft 2.

taglist:

@alicewestwater @august-iswriting @lottieiswriting @phiwrites @jennawritesstories @chloeswords

[star-trekkin-across-theuniverse]

@bookcaseninja and I had a great chat last night about some of my Justice League headcanons. Because I am passionately in lust with four of the heroes.

So here’s my thoughts.

The Snyder Cut was great. It made the whole Justice League thing make sense, instead of being a weird disjointed mess.

Don’t get me wrong, I will always be a Marvel girl at heart, but deep in my wizened Gen X heart, there is a soft spot for DC. I grew up watching Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, Christopher Reeve as Superman, and later, loved Michael Keaton as Batman.

So I definitely have feelings about these characters.

And then they (The Powers That Be) cast such beautiful people into the roles. Henry Cavill? Gal Godot? Jason Momoa? Ben Affleck.

Dude. I’d be the Justice League’s team slut. (yeah, yeah, I know we don’t like that term anymore, but it’s the first one I thought of).

So then… I started having these headcanons. About being the team Comfort Girl. Because seriously, those 4 snap, I’m not kicking any of them out of bed.

Here’s my thoughts on being the full-time, paid Comfort Companion of the Justice League.

Bruce, of course, has you on the payroll as something innocuous but important. Human Resources, maybe? Physiotherapist? Trainer? Haha. It takes him a while to determine exactly the position, but you’re paid to be there. And each of the members of the Justice League make liberal use of your services, although in a variety of different ways.

Diana misses the kind of love that happens between women on Themyscira, just organic, soft, romantic love. Sometimes she wants sex. But sometimes, more often, she wants a date night that is pjs and a being tangled on the couch with a bottle of wine and a crappy old rom-com. There’s soft touch, and being held. She plays with your hair, and sometimes you fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Bruce was supposed to be the one it physically hurt to be with. You figured he would be rough and brutal. Instead he is gentle. He whispers romantic nonsense when he comes, and always insists you stay the night. There’s always a hot coffee, exactly how you like it, waiting on the night table when you wake up in the morning.

Clark is the one who is all restrained violence. You can tell he’s trying not to hurt you, but he’s a big rough country boy with super powers. You are always sore for days after an encounter with him. No regrets, but sore hips, and despite how careful he tries to be, there’s always bruising. He’s rough. The raw power of him sexually is an overwhelming turn on, but he’s literally the only reason you work out.

Arthur just wants to party, get drunk and fuck. He never stays the night, he just rolls away, gives your bum a smack, and presses a kiss against the centre of one of your bumcheeks, and is out the door before his jeans are done up.

Barry tries, ONCE, to woo you. And you laugh at him. He’s such a kid, you can’t really take it seriously. It turns out you make an excellent calorie-dense chicken noodle soup, and he will sit in the kitchen to watch you make it. He deliberately slows himself down to eat it, savouring the rich broth. When he’s done, he stands up, kisses your cheek and announces you’re his favourite auntie, before disappearing.

Victor dupes you into playing online games with you, until you clue in that he’s hacking them in order to win. Then he doubles down and starts challenging you to board game tourneys, arguing that the odds are slightly more in your favour. They aren’t, but you spend hours laughing and enjoying each other’s company. You only ever really manage to win if the game is about luck, and not strategy - the man is too smart for his own good. But you enjoy spending time with him.

Alfred senses that you are sometimes ashamed of your role on the team, and wishes you wouldn’t be. You were hired to comfort the team, and you have managed to connect, on a non-sexual level, with all of them. Except for maybe Arthur, but even Arthur seeks you out just for your friendship at times. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about being a Comfort Girl, he thinks. It’s the oldest profession in the world, and having you on the payroll means that both you, and the members of the Justice League are receiving the companionship you need in a safe way. And besides, you make an excellent cup of tea, and are a stimulating conversationalist.

[siverwrites]

Trick or Treat Letter 2021

AO3: Siver

Thank you for taking this on! Here there are some general prompt details if you want them and if you already have some idea of your own, awesome. I can’t wait to see what you come up with.

Note sometimes I have some specific prompts for some characters while other don’t. This has nothing to do with priority or preferences. They’re just ones I happened to some specific thoughts for. Of course they’re only ideas and you’re free to ignore them!

All requests are for fic or art.

Art: Interactions of some sort: emoting at each other, talking, sharing some activity, taking a walk, hugs are always welcome, soft things, whatever suits the pair/group. I’d much prefer the character(s) doing something over just standing around looking cool.

Likes: fluff, hurt/comfort, found family, sickfic, fandom crossovers or fusions between requested fandoms, angst with a happy or at least bittersweet end, bonding, cuddling/hugs/holding, banter, mutual care and support, loyalty, pre-canon, post-canon, missing scenes, slice of life, supernatural stuff, mystery, adventure, world-building, creepy or unsettling atmospheres

DNW: NSFW, non-con, dub-con, underage relationships, unrequested ships, infidelity, explicit gore, modern AUs (college, high school, coffee shop etc), non-canonical permanent character death

Any combination of character tags within each fandom is cool. I have specfic pairs and groups listed at points but those are only for ideas. Heck, any crossover/fusion between any of these fandoms is welcome too, go nuts.

For treats: you can’t go wrong with fluff! Friendship, familial bonds, found family, romance for the few ship possibilities listed here.

For tricks: I like it atmospheric. Unsettling atmospheres. Unresolved mystery. Making use of the stranger environments canon may already provide. The surreal. The strange. The supernatural. Much prefer a subtler creepy factor over ‘jump scares’ and gore.

Ghost Trick

Alma

Cabanela

Jowd

Sissel

Kamila

Lynne

Missile

Pigeon Man

Lovey-Dove

Mino

DNW: NSFW, non-con, dub-con, underage relationships, unrequested ships, infidelity, explicit gore, modern AUs (college, high school, coffee shop etc), non-canonical permanent character death

Ships I’m good with: Alma/Jowd/Cabanela, Alma/Jowd, Cabanela/Jowd (where the focus is there but without infidelity to Alma), Alma/Cabanela (again no infidelity just where the focus is)

I love this game, its characters and pretty much everything about it, so whatever you want to do will be great I’m sure. New timeline mysteries and missing memories are always welcome where it makes sense. Alternate timelines and what-ifs are cool to explore. Fluff, comfort, family found or otherwise and friendships are always a go. Spooky ghost shenanigans, mysteries in the night.

Any combination of these characters is more than welcome too!

Any combination of Jowd/Cabanela/Alma or Jowd & Cabanela & Alma is always welcome.

Always down for various combinations of Pigeon Man with Cabanela, Jowd and/or Kamila. Or PM with someone less expected like Alma! Or Sissel! Or Missile! The Jowd family expands and you cannot escape. In other words found family with Lynne or with Pigeon Man (or both of course).

Animal shenanigans on their own or with each other and fluff is great.

Sissel settling into the Jowd household and the shenanigans that ensue from having a ghost-powered cat.

Mino: What is Mino? Who is Mino? This is trick or treat, go weird, have fun.

Alma: We just need more of our girl honestly. Sweet relationship or family stuff. Go supernatural and consider Alma ghost either during game or temporarily post-game before being rescued by Sissel (Maybe helping Sissel save herself in that situation?)

--

Final Fantasy VI

Celes

Sabin

Chocobos

Valigarmanda

Mog

Phantom Train

Gogo

Relm

Interceptor

DNW: NSFW, non-con, dub-con, underage relationships, unrequested ships, infidelity, explicit gore beyond canon typical, modern AUs (college, high school, coffee shop etc), Gogo as Daryl, non-canonical permanent character death

Valigarmanda: I just want to know more about them (she? he? your pronoun of choice). What led to them frozen in Narshe? Do they still hold some form of awareness in that state? Do the moogles look after at all? Some form of communication between them? How did they feel joining the party as magicite? What exactly took place between them and Terra? So many possibilities or something else entirely.

Mog: I just like moogles okay. Throw him at anyone here in the above list and see what happens. Or a moogle adventure in Narshe or elsewhere. Sky's the limit, dance's the limit?

Chocobos: I just like chocobos okay. Throw one or more at anyone here in the above list and see what happens. If you want something more specific I will never have enough serpent trench travel with Sabin and Celes in the World of Ruin. Give them chocobos and off they go. Figaro chocobos are also good. Chocobo anything.

Phantom Train: I have no particular thoughts here but what better exchange than Trick or Treat for the Phantom Train itself? Exploring more about it whether it's just it or throw characters at it. All cool.

Celes and Sabin: as stated I'm an absolute sucker for world of ruin travel with these two and anything more is good. That said if you want to focus on just one of them or one of them with someone else that's great too. I've only lumped them together for sake of convenience. Sabin in Figaro? Sabin with another here? Celes travels in the saved world?

Interceptor: Does he interact much with any of the rest of the party? Or... dog and chocobo... Or just you know can't go wrong with Interceptor and Relm things ever

Relm: Any interaction with anyone here. Leaning on her Sketch ability would be cool. Mimic paint off with Gogo?

Gogo: Gogo's just neat. More of them good.

--

Carto

Carto

Carto's Puppy

Granny Maldpo

Shianan

Shianan's Puppy

Storytender

DNW: NSFW, non-con, dub-con, underage relationships, unrequested ships, infidelity, explicit gore, modern AUs (college, high school, coffee shop etc), non-canonical permanent character death

I just want to see a little more of these characters and this world. The game was so cute and neat. More travel or stories or some sort of cute moment with Carto and Maldpo, and puppy if post-game, on their airship! Granny Maldpo is so cool! Explorer pilot grandma hell yeah! A little adventure for her? More exploration of Shianan (and her puppy!)? A reunion with Carto again?

The story chalet was also just really neat so doing more with it and the Storytender is absolutely welcome. What does an average day for him look like in an ever-changeable library with books writing themselves?

--

The Last Guardian

The Boy

Trico

DNW: NSFW, non-con, dub-con, underage relationships, unrequested ships, infidelity, explicit gore, modern AUs (college, high school, coffee shop etc), non-canonical permanent character death

Give me all the cat-dog-bird fluff/shenanigans/playfulness/warmth/coziness. Anything while they’re together. Barrel feeding, snuggle time, riding, flying. Sweet or silly (Trico has his moments for sure) or something else. I adore Trico. I adore the boy and Trico’s companionship.

Alternatively something in the future. The boy grown up reuniting with Trico. A flight with Trico. A temporary willing return to the nest. Meeting Trico babies!

--

Metroid

Samus

Chozo

Baby Metroid

DNW: NSFW, non-con, dub-con, underage relationships, unrequested ships, infidelity, explicit gore beyond canon typical, modern AUs (college, high school, coffee shop etc), reliance on manga knowledge, spoilers for Metroid Dread, non-canonical permanent character death

While I don't have anything particular in mind here, I'm all about the mood for Metroid and would appreciate really leaning on the atmosphere and environmental aspects--either more lush areas (eg Brinstar, Tallon IV landing area) but still isolating, or the darker more tense places. I'm particularly fond of Super Metroid and Metriod Prime.

Any singular focus on one of the above three or some combo is good.

Regarding the manga: I know next to nothing about it, so light referencing without needed knowledge is fine; anything deeper than that please avoid?

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Monkey Island

Guybrush Threepwood

Elaine Marley

Murray

El Pollo Diablo

Feral Chickens

DNW: NSFW, non-con, dub-con, underage relationships, unrequested ships, infidelity, explicit gore, modern AUs (college, high school, coffee shop etc), Escape from Monkey Island, angst, non-canonical permanent character death

Silly pirate-y shenanigans. Guybrush and Elaine team-up on something actually in one place? Any interactions with Murray are always a treat and we’ve never gotten to see those with Elaine in the mix.

Explore the legend of El Pollo Diablo in some way. What do the chickens get up to now they roam free across Puerto Pollo? What oh-so-nefarious schemes is Murray up to now? A feral chicken demonic skull team-up?? I mean, that’s kinda close to El Pollo Diablo right???

This is coming off as Curse of Monkey Island-centric (it is my favourite) but it doesn’t have to be. It’s just because of the chickens… and Murray. But mainly chickens. Anytime from the previous games, or future or off to the side is good too.

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Bug Fables

Kabbu

Leif

Vi

Chompy

Elizant II

DNW: NSFW, non-con, dub-con, underage relationships, unrequested ships, infidelity, explicit gore, modern AUs (college, high school, coffee shop etc), non-canonical permanent character death

I love the group dynamics! Party fun times while they’re travelling would be good. Really interested in more with Leif’s situation because that is a Lot and open to more introspection and dealing–Kabbu support go? Attempted Vi support go? Chompy being the best plant she can be? Snuggle that plant during hard times?

Exploring that lab more and cordyceps is welcome for the creepier end of things. Same with the Giant’s Lair and what IS that giant eye?

There’s also an interesting connection between Elizant II and Leif I’d be interested in seeing more. Leif’s out of his time but holds memories of Elizant I. Elizant II is a more direct connection he’s otherwise lacking and it’s nice to see how his opinion of her shifts and grows as she grows.

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The Legend of Heroes

DNW: NSFW, non-con, dub-con, underage relationships, unrequested ships, infidelity, explicit gore, modern AUs (college, high school, coffee shop etc), spoilers for Hajimari or Kuro, Agate/Tita, Olivier/Schera, non-canonical permanent character death

Trails in the Sky

Estelle Bright

Cassius Bright

Lena Bright

Kloe Rinz

Alicia von Auslese

Celeste D. Auslese

Olivier Lenheim

Mueller Vander

Ragnard

Any combination of any of these characters could lead to interesting things. Some combo ideas:

In Phantasma, Kloe and Celeste talk... Estelle, Olivier or Mueller could be interesting too though... Or simply more about Celeste and the Hermit's Garden by herself.

Bright family time will always be welcome. And more love for Lena. Kloe and Estelle sister/best friend time.

Kloe and Olivier have a lot of potential for interesting interaction in how they parallel each other but are so wildly different at the same time. Kloe and Alicia family time!

Olivier & Cassius: I’m just really interested to see more interaction between these two whether while they’re still planning or something before Olivier goes back to Erebonia after Sky SC. Cassius can’t help himself when it comes to giving advice…

Olivier & Alicia: Royalty matters, knowing who Olivier actually is. Last meetings before he goes back to Erebonia?

Olivier&/Mueller stuff is all good

Ragnard: cool dragon is cool. Either something about him individually in the past? Or what he's up to now? A look at interaction between him and Cassius? Ragnard and Auslese (any of them)...?

Crossbell

Lloyd Bannings

Randy Orlando

Tio Plato

Elie MacDowell

KeA Bannings

Alex Dudley

Zeit

Sergei Lou

No ships here please.

Bonding and found family is the name of the game here! Tio and Zeit spending time together. Lloyd and Randy having bro time or Lloyd trying to remind Randy that he does indeed belong with SSS. KeA and “Uncle” Sergei time! What might they do together, or what does KeA get Sergei to do with her? Lloyd and KeA spending time together, Lloyd spoiling KeA, KeA being a comfort to Lloyd. KeA turning on the charm on Dudley. Dudley and Sergei interaction. Any combination of any of the SSS related characters is great if you want a bigger SSS gathering. I love them all.

Anything exploring KeA's powers is very cool too.

Trails of Cold Steel

Alfin Reise Arnor

Priscilla Reise Arnor

Olivier Leheim | Olivert Reise Arnor

Mueller Vander

Valimar

Mint

Alfin, Olivier, Priscilla: The Arnors have it rough dammit. Some soft moment for any combo of these three? Reunions after Olivier comes back and isn’t dead? We were deprived! Entertaining sibling times. A Priscilla bonding moment with Olivier when he was still getting used to living in the palace. And of course individually they’re interesting in their own roles and I’m always down for more.

Mueller: Of course anything with Olivier is good in my books. I’m running under the assumption that since he shows up with Olivier in the triumphant not-dead return, that he wound up at Valleria while Olivier recovered and I would be very soft for any moment taking placing during that time period. But when it comes to those two sky’s the limit. I’m good with platonic or ship. Mueller having some interaction with either Priscilla or Alfin would be great too!

Valimar: Given his history and knowledge it’d be interesting to see a conversation with Olivier or Alfin given also their family name Cedric’s positioning and, well, all the history there. Alternatively I love his interactions with Mint and how respectful of her he is, so anything between those two yes please. Or just something exploring him by himself in some way would be cool too.

Mint: I’m particularly interested in her during CS III and IV times and with Valimar as above. However, any Mint shenanigans is a fun time. She’s doing her best!

[im-the-king-of-the-ocean]

Lost

roughly based on MAG 186 “Quiet”

.

A couple minutes of standing alone in the gray drizzle and Martin realizes something might be off.  His stomach squirms at the thought.  Through every domain they’ve passed through, Jon has remained relatively unaffected.  He’s been caught up in statements, lost in the words that have pushed their way out of him, sure, but this feels different.

Why hasn’t Jon found him yet?

Martin tells himself it, whatever it is, doesn’t bother him.  It probably has nothing to do with the fact he didn’t want to be with Jon in his domain, and he can probably exert some sort of control here, however small, to make that true.  Except, the fact is, it’s no longer true to what he wants, and his alone state hasn’t altered.

“Jon?”  Martin calls out and receives no reply.  He frowns, starts walking.  Standing around won’t do any good.  It would be best if he made his way to the end of his domain.  Jon is probably already there waiting for him, with some comment about how Martin needed to go through this particular place on his own or something.

Martin could imagine that, imagine Jon, and how they’d joke about it.  Briefly, he lets his thoughts disappear into fantasy, of playful bantering like they aren’t in the middle of the apocalypse, like they’re any other newly minted couple still trying to get their footing.  Martin knows it’s not real.  He’s more than aware that, however this journey ends, the odds are against it being a ‘happily ever after’ type deal.  He’s come to accept that.

At the same time, the universe, he reasons, owes him this much.  It’s not fair that he finally, finally gets the opportunity to be with Jon and this is the circumstance their relationship blossomed under.  Martin deserves to have his fantasies, however unrealistic they’ll truly end up being, he thinks.

He sighs, sticks his hands in his pockets, and walks through the wet, dreary weather that’s honestly probably not actually real weather.

He comes to the border of his domain, and he doesn’t find Jon.

He stands there, alone, wondering why.

He waits.

Then, Martin begins to search, which is difficult.  He’s not meant to find anyone here.  No one is.  That’s the point.  To suffer in silence.  For your pain to go unnoticed.  You’re invisible, but keenly aware that someone, in all likeliness, can see you, but just doesn’t care enough about you to help.

It makes sense, in a way, that its Avatar should be wandering around quietly trying to see whoever’s there.

Maybe it’s because Jon isn’t supposed to be there that Martin eventually finds him.  The claim the Eye has on Jon distinguishes him from the domain’s prisoners, makes him findable.  Maybe it’s because Martin can know about the people in his domain, but he didn’t want to push the boundary of knowing too much until he made finding Jon his goal.

Regardless, Martin finds Jon.  He’s mutters to himself, his words nearing incomprehensible.  At first, Martin thinks Jon is intoning a statement.  This being Martin’s domain wouldn’t change the fact that Jon needs to do a recording.

This one, Martin realizes as he listens, isn’t quite like Jon’s other statements.  Not exactly.  Perhaps it’s because of their location, but he understands more about it.  About the lonely boy who always felt distant from everyone else, who told himself he didn’t need the connections of friendship others had and longed for them at the same time, who never was left wanting for companionship but could never quite bridge the large chasm between himself and everyone else either.

When Jon had gone to fulfill his duty to witness for the Eye, this particular domain’s Avatar hadn’t wanted him to See it out of his own shame.  And Jon had promised he wouldn’t Look without permission, so he’d refused to.

The only way to alleviate the pressure of the opposing forces had been to allow them access inward, to that tiny kernel of loneliness that may have led Jon to being a prisoner in such a place as this, if he hadn’t been chosen and claimed by a different Entity first.  To allow them to feast on it.  To ensnare him, unwittingly, in his own torment.

The Eye is patient.  It knows its Archivist cannot be separate from it for long.  It will allow him to fall in this trap, feed hungrily on the meal he provides, and then wait for him to return to his path.  It knows he will.  Eventually.  Because, after all, he is never truly alone.  It won’t let him be.

Martin refuses to let himself feel the familiar comfortableness of guilt.  Instead, he takes Jon’s hand in his own, squeezes it, and then leads him away.  Jon follows numbly.  Martin knows he won’t be fully cognizant until they’re out of there.

It’s a weird feeling that sits in Martin’s chest.  He hates that the pain of the one he loves feeds him.  More than anything.  Yet, at the same time, there is an odd comfort in it.  A feeling of rightness he supposes is close to what Jon must feel like with the knowledge of everything in the world rushing into his head in unstoppable waves.  Martin may not like it, but it’s part of what he’s been twisted into.

Perhaps he can help Jon better cope with his struggles now that he understands them more.

There’s another thing, too.  A feeling Martin isn’t quite sure he can describe.  An odd relief.  Jon has been just as lonely as he has.  He understands that loneliness.  They share it.  Except, by being together, they also vanquish it, because neither of them is truly alone (or lonely) anymore.

There is so much that could consume them, but none of it will, because they have each other and they can alleviate their pain together.

Though, of course, that relies on the notion that they’ll always be able to be there for each other and, as the dark tower on the horizon grows ever bigger, their ability to be certain of that incrementally diminishes.

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Complexities Unknowable- Chapter 7 (Finale!)

Ao3,   1    2    3    4    5    6.  MasterPost

Relationships: Deintruality, background Analogince

Warnings: Cursing, Remus-typical language and jokes, Minor self-deprication/insecurity, the ol’ ‘thinks-it’s-unrequited-and-is-oblivious-to-obvious-flirting’ song and dance, all sympathetic sides, feelings of being left out, also I accidentally projected too hard and now Patton has adhd oops. 

Word Count: 4,000 (approximately)

Patton felt better than he could ever remember feeling. Sleep came easy as it hadn’t for him in years. It was amazing how far a little bit of understanding went.

When all your closest friends are together, you get lonely. Patton wouldn’t say that he was jealous, but everything was different now. When he used to spend time with the others, it was four pals spending quality time together! Now when they did, it was a date, except oops! Patton’s here too! How awkward!

He knew that was unfair. They didn’t really think of him that way, of course not. Hence why he didn’t bring it up.

It wasn’t like that with Remus and Deceit. Even though they were dating, Patton never felt left behind. Their humor was dark and snarky but accessible, not laden with inside jokes that he’d missed out on or specific clues that he didn’t pick up. 

The inclusiveness they treated him with was probably borne from being excluded for so long, though he didn’t like to think about that. The fact was, the three were friends now, the past was past, and Patton was drinking in their companionship like fine wine (or, to be more accurate to himself, a grape juice box).

It did not take him long to figure out why he was so fond of their company. You can only spend so much time with Deceit prattling about the dangers of repression before you start to unearth all of those deeply buried feelings.

He’d fallen for the Dark Sides. Whoops. 

Could you really blame him? Deceit, suave and clever and funny, yet so gentle when he wanted to be; Remus, bold and brash and energetic, but still with such a deep empathy hidden in him! It was no wonder that the two were already together- anyone who spent as much time with them as they spent with each other would be head-over-heels as well! (Patton was speaking from experience on that one). 

Initial surprise regarding the feelings had soon faded to something almost comfortable. He was happy to have them as his friends alone, so what was a little crush? No big deal!

...Was what he had thought ten minutes ago, when there wasn’t an affectionate Remus wrapped around him, chattering off various compliments.

“I could hold you forever, Patty. You are just the softest, like a water balloon full of blood and organs! But still so ripped, I mean, damn!”

“Language,” Patton chided meekly, trying very hard to not dissolve into the ether.

“Awww, you can’t make an exception for me? Just this once? I’ll make it worth your while~,” the last part was a hushed sing-song right near Morality’s ear. He felt his face redden, but forced himself away to refocus on… whatever he had been doing.

“Nope, no exceptions,” he chirped, going back to- right! Cleaning!

“You aren’t tempted at all? You are so responsible- and that’s really one of the sexiest qualities there is.”

It was just Remus’ nature to talk to people like that, Patton told himself firmly. The Creative side was just expressing his friendly affection in a way that made sense to him. It came alongside being close to someone so unused to ‘typical’ friendship dynamics, after all. Patton reminded himself of this again and again, denying himself the desperate urge that welled up and told him to respond in kind. He would not purposefully misinterpret Remus’ actions for his own gain, he was better than that!

“Thank you, Rem,” just nice, platonic gratitude for nice, platonic compliments. 

Eventually, finally, mercifully, The Duke had seemed to get bored. He disentangled himself from Patton (appearing rather crestfallen, though the moral trait wasn’t sure why), and wandered off. 

But that, whether for good or for bad, was hardly the end of that.

Deceit’s room was magnificently cozy. It was armchairs that swallowed up whomever sat in them, warm lamps casting down on all surfaces, and jazzy music playing distantly in the background. In other words, the perfect place for a good cup of tea and some sandwiches, not to mention pleasant conversation.

Deceit lounged back in his oversized chair, sending Patton an inscrutable look across their teacups. The side smiled, hoping that was the appropriate response.

“So,” he drawled, switching the track of their conversation abruptly, “You’re something of a seamster, aren’t you?”

Patton stared blankly for a moment before the term clicked.

“Oh, you mean a seamstress?”

“Sorry, I thought you’d prefer the masculine, but that really was presumptuous of me,” Deceit amended in apology. 

“I didn’t know that there was a word for it other than seamstress. Hey, isn’t it kinda weird how some jobs are like that, when you think about it? Like how there’s actors and actresses! Why wouldn’t ‘actor’ be all encompassing, ya know?”

Deceit made a vague noise of disinterest and waved his hand, as though manually cutting off the tangent in conversation.

“Yes, gender is a distasteful societal construct and an overall prison to our consciences, we both agree- but regardless, you sew. Make clothing and things like our quilt. Isn’t that right?”

“Right- yes.”

“Do you make all of your own clothes, then?”

“Hmm, sometimes I do- I mostly make stuff for the others. It’s easier to conjure simple stuff for myself, but making them is a lot of fun!” Morality gestured enthusiastically to the pastel pink sweater that he wore, fluffy and intricately patterned. 

Deceit’s eyes glinted in a strange, intimidating, and also incredibly hot way. Patton almost forced the attraction out of his mind, before realizing that that kind of repression would definitely be noticed in this part of the Mindscape. 

“I would have to say you have quite the talent, in that case,” the dishonest trait set down his cup and craned his body over the small table between them, heterochromatic gaze alight with… something. Patton cleared his throat. 

“W-Why’s that?” 

“You look positively hideous in that, my Dear,” he purred in obvious lies, gloved hands now sitting in the middle of the table and creeping forward by the inch.

“Aw, thanks,” Patton croaked, fighting the urge to lean forward in turn. 

Something strangely disappointed flashed in Deceit’s eyes, but he quickly recovered. He reached out to run a hand along Patton’s sleeve, the touch lingering against his arm.

“My my, that’s just like a cloud. How did you manage that, Darling?”

Morality shivered as Deceit continued to toy with the fabric of his sweater. 

“I-It’s probably because it’s made with love! Since that’s what I am, kinda,” he stammered, desperately trying to keep up the cheery tone.

“I’m inclined to agree. There’s beauty in all you touch, Sunshine.”

Oh, the pet names. Patton really couldn’t take it; he jerked away and pressed his back against the chair, before he had the chance to do something stupid. Honestly, it was sad how hard this was for him- Deceit was just trying to be a good friend! It wasn’t his fault that he showed it with flirts!

“You’re too sweet,” with distance reestablished, Morality found it much easier to formulate words, “I really appreciate you, Dee.”

Deceit blinked, still hovering over the table. He cleared his throat and snapped back into his seat, suddenly looking the part of the cold and distant Dark Side that Patton had feared just months prior. Guarded, callous, stoic. It was almost frightening, how quickly he changed. 

“Yes, I know you do. Let’s change topics, shall we?”

Patton, feeling quite a bit of whiplash, nodded hesitantly. Their conversation continued to flow normally, for the most part, but he couldn’t help feeling that he’d messed up somewhere. There was something heavy over them, but Patton hadn’t the slightest idea what it was. 

For a brief, dizzying moment, he wondered if they were moving backwards. If he’d somehow crossed a line when he was trying so hard not to, and now they were two steps back again. Just the thought of it made him too sick to finish his tea.

Patton didn’t have to be worried for long about that particular mishap, thankfully, as a very momentous occasion had swallowed up the fear. Remus and Deceit were going to be joining in their first ever movie night as part of the family! 

There’d been plenty of TV marathons with just them and Pat already, but now they’d all come together! As part of the group!! Contributing to the voting and the arguing and the joking and the experience of it all!!! Needless to say, Patton was practically bouncing off the walls in his excitement. 

He plopped down onto the couch with a bowl of popcorn, passing a much larger container of snacks to the amorphous blob of limbs and sass that had once been his three best friends, cuddled together far across from him. Now, all they needed were the Dark- sorry, former Dark Sides.

He wasn’t waiting for long before Deceit and Remus appeared in the living room (Remus, thank the lord, wearing actual pajamas). Patton couldn’t contain the happy little chirp that escaped him, scrunching himself to one side of the sectional so that they’d have plenty of room to make themselves at home.

Rather than huddling together in the crook of the curved sofa, however, Deceit immediately gestured for Patton to scooch over, and Remus sat on his other side. Morality was happy (if a bit surprised) to comply with this new seating arrangement, flashing them bright smiles. In light of recent events, being so close with both of them was a little dizzying, but it wasn’t too hard to bear. For now.

The conversation on which movie to watch that night was more agreeable than usual, which was nice; they got right to the marathon with little hassle. Patton sighed as the opening credits to Tangled played. At that moment, his life couldn’t get any more wonderful. Surrounded by the people he cared about, finally all together, it was perfect. 

And then, a mere ten minutes in, Remus leaned his chin on Patton’s shoulder and pressed into his side. 

“Mother Gothel is such a Milf.”

Patton would usually have been put off by the sexual comment, but at that moment Deceit had also seemed to decide that he’d make a good headrest. Which was fine, this was fine. Some mild friendly cuddling- nothing he couldn't handle!

Another twenty minutes later and Remus twisted an arm around his waist. Deceit held Patton’s hand between a couple of his own. By this point, they were beginning to look a lot like the cuddle pile wrapped up together on the other side of the couch. He was still alive, though!

Neither of the sides beside him moved an inch until the film ended, only begrudgingly letting go when Morality had to get up for a snack refill. Even then, they latched back onto him as soon as he returned. Thus began the second movie, and the beginning of Patton's slow and snuggly death.

Every few minutes, it would be something else: Deceit ran a hand or two through his hair, Remus hooked his leg around Patton’s, Deceit nuzzled against his neck, Remus laughed into his shoulder, et cetera et cetera et cetera.

Three movies in and he was barely keeping up with the conversation. His head was spinning and he was sure he’d never been so warm, but more than that he felt protected. Even adored. He wasn't often on the receiving end of affection, and the longing brought with it ached, but he never wanted it to end.

Then Virgil yawned (oh yeah, the other three were still there), exiting from the ending credits of All Dogs Go To Heaven and clicking back to the main screen.

“Bed time,” he grumbled, a tone so intimate and low and clearly meant for his boyfriends that Patton almost felt bad for overhearing it. 

“It is getting quite late,” Logan agreed, standing to stretch. Roman followed suit and dragged a  sleepy Anxiety up with him.

Virgil tossed the remote in Patton's general direction and let Roman haul him up in his arms (Deceit caught it with an unoccupied arm, given that the moral side’s brain was currently jelly). The three bid their goodnights and were gone with a few shimmers of color and a whoosh.

“I guess we should head up, too,” Patton murmured, working very hard to disguise his reluctance. To his surprise, the traits sandwiching him only sank further into his sides.

“Oh, you’re absolutely right, it’s so very late,” Deceit rumbled, his face partially hidden in the crook of Patton’s neck.

“Yeah, I’m exhausted. I can’t move,” Remus added, his voice ticking up in a noticeably mischievous way. 

“I can’t either. We should stay, just like this.”

Patton's heart warmed, looking between their adorably sleepy faces. He couldn’t lie, the offer was tempting, but in such a situation his brain came back to him. Despite the continued proximity of his crushes, this was something he could handle! 

“Aww, don’t you worry about it, I’ve got ya,” and, making very sure that his grip was secure, Patton stood up with Deceit and Remus cradled in either arm. He hardly staggered under the weight of the sides, familiar with such heavy lifting. 

Remus and Deceit went from sleepiness to pure shock in a matter of milliseconds. Deceit instinctively clung to Patton with all of his limbs, meanwhile Remus gave a startled laugh. Their faces were a matching pink; oh, he could have made them uncomfortable!

“Is this okay? I promise I won't drop you.”

Remus nodded frantically; Deceit squawked in an affirming sort of way. 

Relief washed over Patton and, satisfied with the response, he sank out in a circle of cyan. For a moment, he feared that the nausea that The Subconscious usually brought him would unsteady him, but he was left pleasantly surprised when he felt none. In fact, it felt just like rising up anywhere else. Just as easy as breathing. Hm.

He didn’t dwell on it too long, ascending The Subconscious’ staircase and bringing his cargo to the first bedroom he saw (Deceit’s). He nudged the door open with his shoe, carrying them right to the bed and dropping them down gently. Remus fell onto his back with a happy hum; Deceit stayed upright and stared at Patton with wide eyes. He huffed a laugh and nudged The Snake's shoulders, and Deceit let himself fall beside his boyfriend, dazed. 

This was routine for Patton: grabbing the covers and blanketing his friends, as he’d done for probably every other side at one point or another (even Logan, though he would deny it furiously). Once Remus and Deceit were sufficiently tucked in, he stood up and dimmed the lights to near darkness. 

“Alright, you two have a good night's sleep.”

There was a noise of approval from the pair. Patton gave them one last smile before disappearing back to his own room. To scream into his pillow and think about how gay he was.

Which meant that he didn't get the opportunity to hear the interaction that followed between Dee and Ree.

“Well, that didn’t backfire at all.”

“I want him to snap my spine in half like a glow stick. He could break every bone in my body and I would thank him,” Remus replied dreamily. Deceit hummed in agreement. 

“Perhaps we should try a more… direct approach, as this doesn’t seem to be working in our favor.”

“I dunno about you, but I’m feeling pretty fuckin’ favored right now.”

“I was suggesting that we be more-” he very nearly gagged, “Straightforward.”

“More like gay-forward, actually,” Remus corrected, “But I’m with you! You know I love being direct.”

“Now when I say direct, I don’t mean blunt.”

“I don’t understand the difference.”

“I know you don’t. Let me do the talking.”

“Fine by me! Whatever works to get him to pick me up and throw me!”

Deceit rolled his eyes, settling his arms around Remus. 

“Yes, yes- but I’m actually wide awake right now, and I’d love it if you keep being loud all night, Dearest.” 

“Oh, right,” Remus lowered his voice, curling himself around the lying side in turn. Together, their breathing slowed. As they drifted to sleep, the feeling of Patton's arms around them still ghosted their skin.

Patton was cleaning furiously. He’d already reorganized the entirety of his room- twice, for that matter- and now he’d moved to the Common area. It hadn’t been so much as a week since his last tidying session, and the Mindpalace was pretty much spotless, but that was irrelevant. It was as good a distraction as any.

Maybe he was avoiding the trifecta of trifling traits- aka his best friends- because he knew that they’d ask about why he was being so weird lately. Maybe he was avoiding Deceit and Remus, the reason that he’d been weird lately. Maybe he was just avoiding his thoughts about them, because seeing them all cozied up and sleepy and adorable a couple nights ago really hadn’t helped settle his growing infatuation with them. Most likely, he was avoiding all three. 

But he had failed to take into account that The Common Area was not the best place for avoiding stuff. Given that it was. A Public Space. 

“Patton,” began the voice of Deceit behind him, in a tone deadly serious.

He spun around to see a very embarrassed Dee and an immensely giddy Remus. Well, Shhhhh-ucks. Shucks. 

“Hey!” Patton tossed the sponge in his hand back into the sink and pretended that he wasn’t freaking out at that exact moment. 

Deceit hardly registered the greeting, continuing: 

“We need to talk to you.”

“What about?”

The Snake opened his mouth, and promptly closed it. His eyes had widened concerningly, and he cast his gaze downwards.

“We-” he cut off again. Patton’s worry was mounting. 

“DeeDee?” Remus prompted, elbowing his partner’s side, “I thought you were doing the talking?”

“I-I can do this, I’m not tapping out,” his voice was frenzied, hiding himself behind The Duke in a rare display of fear. 

“Guys? Is something wrong?” Patton approached them, all of his nervousness about his feelings forgotten in the face of this distress, “Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

Remus gave him a warm smile, not hesitating for a breath. 

“We came to tell you you’re hot and we wanna date you! But, you know how bad Dee is with words! Anyway, whaddya say?”

Deceit, for his part, nodded in deep resignation. And Patton’s head reeled.

He could hear, audibly hear his heart thumping against his ribs. It was probably as simple as a confession could get, but regardless he found himself frantically replaying the words over and over and over again. He’d never imagined- not even for a second- even the thought of it- 

Mentally, he took a step back. Roman, Logan, and Virgil were an item. Remus and Deceit were an item. And Patton was a third party, paternal and caring and watching out for all of them and their misadventures, though he knew he’d never be entirely part of it. But maybe, now he could be. After everything, they wanted not to just be with him, but to be with him.

It didn’t process.

“I- You- What- Me?”

Because there is good in this world, Remus (correctly) interpreted his flustered stammering as surprise and not distaste. The smile that he almost always wore widened and he took a step forward, dragging the mildly less panicked Deceit along with him.

“You,” he confirmed, shimmying excitedly in place, “Definitely you. And us.”

“I second that not-at-all vague sentiment. We’ve grown unfortunately fond of you,” Deceit uncoiled himself from Remus enough to be seen clearly.

Patton saw it. He saw, in full light and understanding, the subtext in their previous interactions. And now that he did, he had no idea how he’d missed it. A testament to the power of his insecurity, probably. But that didn’t matter, because they liked him back.

Patton failed to words. But, they were very near, and he was very happy, and in the light of new context, he figured that they wouldn’t mind the response he opted for instead. 

He hopped forward with a delighted squeal, scooping the traits up in his arms. Remus started cackling and immediately returned the hug with just as much fervor. Deceit wasn’t far behind for once, allowing his face to split with a smile equal parts shock, relief, and glee. 

“Oh, I love you two so much!” Patton laughed out, burying his face in Remus’ hair. 

“I love you back!” Remus said in kind. 

Deceit attempted a dramatic groan, but he failed to tamp down his grin. 

“It could be said that I feel something love-adjacent for the both of you. Perhaps.” 

Patton’s mind was swimming in joy, so much so that it barely registered when Remus tilted his head back only to lean forward, and oh wow, were they kissing. Patton’s vision was all bright blurs of color, and he melted. The creative trait pushed up against him, rough in much the same way as an overly excited large dog. Patton hardly had time to reciprocate the kiss before Remus broke off completely from the hug, unflustered and unaffected by what he’d done, save for a light blush.

“Now you guys!”

Oh, he was still hugging Deceit. 

“Only if it’s okay?” he’d barely gotten the apprehensive words out of his mouth when it was suddenly occupied, and the world went back to hazey vibrance. Deceit was almost skittish, a barely-there press against his lips like he expected Patton to shove him away. He didn’t, by the way. Rather, he slid a hand up to rest between the side’s shoulder blades, bringing him nearer. 

After a moment, they pulled back slowly, not letting go of each other. 

“That was hot, ngl,” Remus chimed from his perch on the counter.

Patton was overcome with a fit of giggling, energy building in him. He ended his and Deceit’s very drawn-out embrace to satisfy the necessity of full body wiggle. He was in Silly Mode, there was no avoiding this until it had been exorcised via The Joyful Movement™. Patton flapped his hands at his sides and shook his hair out, laughing all the while. Today could not possibly get better!

But he remembered his audience of two. He looked up, hair fluffed up and face flushed with fading excitement and a tinge of self-consciousness. 

“Sorry, I got over-excited...”

“That,” Deceit announced solemnly, “Was astoundingly adorable.”

“I’ve died a gruesome death,” Remus rolled off the counter and onto the ground with a crash (and some bone crunches thrown in, probably for fun), “My heart overloaded, it has burst. There’s blood everywhere, it’s in my eyes, I’m now also blind.” 

Patton’s relief escaped in another bout of laughter, and something lifted in him. A weight that had been there for so long that he hadn’t even remembered it was there, nor how it felt to be without it. But now that it had left, he didn’t know how he had been living with it for so long. There was airiness in his chest, a clarity in his mind, a general sense of contentment rushing over him. This wasn’t a face he put on for others benefit, it wasn’t a fleeting enjoyment of one thing or another- what it was was a deep, thrumming joy that overcame him. 

He was happy. 

Naturally, Patton could not finish cleaning due to. Circumstances. Those circumstances being, he was finally letting himself indulge in some quality time with his new boyfriends (an identifier he very much liked the sound of). 

The trio were half-laying on the Common room’s couch, a tangle of various limbs. Remus leaned against a pile of pillows, and Patton rested his head on his chest. Draped across the both of them was Deceit, fastening all of his arms around them in a manner simultaneously protective and needy. Oh, and also very, very cute. 

“This was totally what I was planning from the beginning,” his voice reverberated through Patton’s chest, “God, I am so great at plotting.”

Remus clicked his tongue agreeably, pressing a kiss to the top of Morality’s head.

“Yeah, I was pretty sure we were gonna end up killing you, Pumpkin. This wasn’t even in the ballpark of outcomes.” 

Patton hummed in thought, cuddling himself closer to his partners.

“I dunno. I’d say your plan turned out pretty well.”

@deceits-left-glove​ 

@princemesscharming

@shrimp-crockpot

[enbyleighlines]

Thank you for your stories. I would like read about: wn & lwj - jeaulosy, yanli & lwj - friendship, jc & nhs - flowers. Again thank you for sharing those small ficlet.

You’re welcome! And thank you, anonymous friend, for all the requests. I’m going to be splitting this up into three separate posts, because I want to fill all of them.

Without further ado: Lan Wangji & Wen Ning: Jealousy

—

Lan Wangji has a bad feeling. He’s sitting at one of the window booths at a locally owned coffee shop. Wen Ning texted him last week, and asked to meet up.

This is unusual, to put it lightly. Despite having an overlapping friend group, Lan Wangji and Wen Ning rarely interact one on one. In fact, Wen Ning tends to actively avoid Lan Wangji.

Lan Wangji doesn’t have to wonder why Wen Ning avoids him like the plague. For years, Lan Wangji has been cold to Wen Ning, if not outright hostile. So Lan Wangji does not blame Wen Ning for wanting to stay out of his hair. On the contrary, that’s exactly what Lan Wangji had wanted, once upon a time.

The thing is, Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian are best friends. And Lan Wangji has envied that, ever since high school.

Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning’s friendship began in Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji’s second year of high school. Lan Wangji was still deep in denial about his feelings, rejecting all of Wei Wuxian’s desperate attempts to befriend him.

Wen Ning was a freshman, a year behind them, and new to the school. Quiet and baby-faced, he drew bullies to him like moths to a flame. After Wei Wuxian stood up for him the first time, making a grand scene in the cafeteria, the two became inseparable. Suddenly, all the teasing usually directed at Lan Wangji went to Wen Ning instead.

It was unfair for Lan Wangji to feel cheated. After all, he had been trying to get Wei Wuxian off his back for over a year. He was like a dog, selfishly coveting a toy he had once ignored. But envy has always been the hardest sin for Lan Wangji to ditch.

His jealousy only intensified with time. Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian went to the same college. They became roommates. They even went into business together.

It was petty, true, to resent Wen Ning merely for receiving the attention that Lan Wangji was too cowardly to admit that he wanted. But it was hard not to feel the burn of acid in his throat, whenever he saw the way Wen Ning tucked himself under Wei Wuxian’s arm, hanging off his side like a bur.

Of course, Wei Wuxian had many friends. It was the way that Wen Ning looked at Wei Wuxian that bothered Lan Wangji the most. Adoring, like Wei Wuxian was the center of the universe. It was like looking into a mirror. Lan Wangji would catch a glimpse of Wen Ning’s shimmering, lovestruck moon eyes, and see his own crush reflected back at him.

Except, for all his cowardice, Wen Ning was not afraid to let himself get close to Wei Wuxian.

But that was then. This is now.

Now Lan Wangji is twenty-six years old. Wei Wuxian is his boyfriend. They live together. They’re raising a child together.

Jealousy should be a thing of the past.

And yet.

Lan Wangji takes a sip of his hot green tea and waits.

He doesn’t wait too much longer. Wen Ning jogs up to the cafe, waving to Lan Wangji through the window before heading inside.

Lan Wangji bites back a scowl. Once, he could reassure himself with the thought that their crushes were equally doomed. After all, Wei Wuxian wasn’t interested in men. Neither of them stood a chance.

Obviously, now Lan Wangji knows that isn’t the case.

Wen Ning orders something at the counter and then comes to join Lan Wangji. He’s holding a cup of some sugary caffeinated concoction with whipped cream on top. It looks like the type of thing Wei Wuxian would like. Wen Ning sits, not so subtly avoiding eye contact.

“Hey,” Wen Ning says.

“Hey.” Lan Wangji doesn’t grant him more than that. The bad feeling in his gut begins to grow.

“How... are you?” Wen Ning asks.

Lan Wangji narrows his eyes. He does not appreciate all this tip-toeing around whatever Wen Ning wishes to say. So he answers, “I’m confused. Why did you ask me to meet you?”

“Ah,” Wen Ning sighs. He finally meets Lan Wangji’s gaze. “Right. Well, I wanted to discuss something with you.”

“Then discuss.”

Wen Ning winces. “This isn’t easy for me to explain,” he says, “I’d appreciate it if you’d hear me out.”

Lan Wangji feels a bit bad for being so aggressive. So he mutely nods.

“I don’t know if you already know this about me or not,” Wen Ning begins, “but I’m asexual. Aromantic, too, most likely.”

Lan Wangji blinks. He was not aware of that. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with this new information. Should Lan Wangji congratulate him on coming out? Or would that seem patronizing?

Thankfully, Wen Ning doesn’t seem to be waiting for a response. “I bring this up,” he continues, “because I feel— I think— Correct me if I’m wrong, but I always got the sense that you thought I was in love with Wei Wuxian?”

Wen Ning isn’t wrong, so Lan Wangji doesn’t correct him.

Wen Ning nods at Lan Wangji’s silence. “That’s what I thought,” he says, “So I want you to know that, however I feel about Wei Wuxian, it’s not romantic.”

Shame burns in Lan Wangji’s chest. Here he was, wasting his time being jealous of a man who was never even interested in Wei Wuxian. He wants to apologize, but he doesn’t know how to do so in a way that won’t make him sound petty.

“To be fair,” Wen Ning goes on, “I used to think it was a romantic crush myself. And I do love him, in a platonic way.”

Lan Wangji can do nothing but nod.

“That said,” Wen Ning says, “The main reason I’m here, is because I wanted to be completely honest with you.” He pauses, and his eyes dart to the side. “Do you know anything about queerplatonic relationships?”

Lan Wangji does not. He thinks he might have heard the term before, but that’s the extent of his knowledge. “No.”

“Well, they’re kind of what they say on the tin,” Wen Ning explains, in a nervous twitter, “They’re like platonic relationships, but a little different.”

That doesn’t clarify anything. Lan Wangji blinks. “What?”

“Ah, I’m not that good at explaining the concept,” Wen Ning says, “They’re kind of like a third option, for people who are aro/ace, and who want to be in a romantic relationship without the romance.”

Lan Wangji is trying to understand. He truly is. But he is still confused.

Wen Ning sighs. “Here’s how I think of it... it’s got the structure of a romantic relationship, but with the content of a platonic relationship. It’s a way for us to experience the companionship of a life partner without all the romance stuff.”

“Friendship?” Lan Wangji asks.

Wen Ning’s shoulders slump. “It’s like that, but more... structured. I’m sorry, that’s the only way I can describe it. Anyway, I’m trying to explain this because... I want to be in a queerplatonic relationship with Wei Wuxian!”

The rancid taste of vinegar rises in Lan Wangji’s throat. He tries his best to swallow it back down. He’s twenty-six. He can be an adult about this.

“I know it probably sounds weird to you,” Wen Ning starts to babble, “I don’t fully understand it myself. All I know is that I read a book about queerplatonic relationships and now I can’t stop thinking about asking Wei Wuxian to be in one with me!”

Lan Wangji feels the smallest tug of pity in his heart. “If you were in a queerplatonic relationship with Wei Ying,” he says to Wen Ning, “Would you... go on dates?”

Wen Ning flushes and fidgets. “Ah, maybe,” he answers.

“Kiss?”

Wen Ning goes pale at that. He shakes his head quickly. “Oh, no,” he says, “I’ve tried kissing someone before. It wasn’t for me. No offense, but... I don’t understand the appeal of kissing someone.”

Some of the acid in Lan Wangji’s larynx begins to subside. “Then no sex, either?” He guesses.

“Nope! Definitely none of that!”

“Holding hands?”

“Ahh... hopefully, yes.”

“Cuddling?”

Wen Ning squirms, but his small smile betrays him. “If he wants to...”

Lan Wangji stops his interrogation. “So far,” he says, “it does not sound like anything would change between you two.”

It’s true. Wei Wuxian has always been a tactile friend. He has had no qualms about hugging and cuddling with his friends in the past.

“That... might be the case,” Wen Ning admits, “It’s not that I want to do anything new with him. I just want... the label, I guess. I want to tell people that he’s my partner. And that I’m his.”

Lan Wangji raises an eyebrow. The way Wen Ning said that, it almost sounded... possessive.

“I know this is a lot,” Wen Ning says, “but I needed to tell somebody.”

Lan Wangji wants to leave this conversation. Even if what Wen Ning feels for Wei Wuxian isn’t romantic, it’s still... Well, Lan Wangji doesn’t know how to put it into words. And neither does Wen Ning, apparently.

The two men sit in silence for a moment. It’s clear to both of them that they keep misunderstanding each other, but neither knows how to fix that.

“I think... I’m just jealous,” Wen Ning speaks up, unexpectedly, “Everyone around me seems to be in a serious relationship right now. It’s like everyone is paired up, and I’m the eternal third wheel. And maybe I shouldn’t be complaining. I mean, I don’t experience romantic attraction, so it makes sense that I’m single. And there isn’t anything wrong with being single. But when I think about being single for the rest of my life... I feel lonely. Ever since Wei Wuxian moved in with you, I’ve felt...” Wen Ning trails off, and bites his lip, as if to keep himself from finishing the sentence.

“Ah.” Now Lan Wangji understands. It’s like a ray of sunshine piercing through a break in the clouds. He remembers how he felt, learning that Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning had rented an apartment together: Jealous. Lonely. Abandoned. “You miss him.”

“It’s stupid,” Wen Ning says, speaking with his eyes scrunched up, “We still hang out all the time. But I miss living with him. I miss eating our meals together, and I miss running errands together...”

Lan Wangji watches Wen Ning, and feels true empathy blossom within him. “It’s not stupid,” he argues, “Wei Ying... has a loud presence. He is easy to miss.”

Wen Ning’s eyes fly open. “Yes, you’re exactly right! The apartment feels so quiet now. It feels empty.”

Lan Wangji nods. Now they are speaking the same language. Though the flavor of their love for Wei Wuxian is different, the essence is the same. Wen Ning’s love is not the same as Lan Wangji’s love, nor is it the same as Jiang Yanli’s familial love for Wei Wuxian. But all of them feel the same depth of emotion.

“Give me time,” Lan Wangji says, “I need to... research queerplatonic relationships. But I will not stop you, should you bring it up with Wei Ying.”

Wen Ning’s eyes widen. “You’re— you’re serious? You think I should tell him?”

“Wei Ying would want to know,” Lan Wangji tells him. That much he can guarantee. “I don’t know if he will agree to be your queerplatonic partner. I don’t know what that would look like. But you may ask. I will respect whatever decision he makes.”

Wen Ning looks speechless with shock. To be fair, Lan Wangji has surprised himself, too.

“Thank you,” Wen Ning finally says.

Lan Wangji simply nods.

Both of them fall silent once more. The space between them is a little less tense, though. For the first time, Wen Ning and Lan Wangji are able to enjoy a comfortable silence together.

[nepsah]

Ugh I was going to sleep but I've got so many thoughts in my head that i can't.

Idk!

I say it may be time to duck out but was i ever really in? Its hard to say you're part of anything when you feel as if there's always an invisible wall between you and everyone else.

I'm not sure when it started - how long I've had it in place but its hard... To talk to people. To interact. To feel like I'm... One of them? A consistent feeling of being alien permeates my life and i know its more than likely my own fault but I'm not quite sure where to begin fixing it -

Does it need fixing?

In the history of friendships and more involved relationships there lies a persistent need to be useful. I need to give some thing to earn affection or companionship and its very rare that i dont feel that need with another person

Maybe the wall is there because its very easy to be taken advantage of when your method of befriending others is to give - art, compliments, ideas, collaboration, a shoulder to cry on... Ive played therapist to so many people to my own detriment that i now no longer feel comfortable venting to friends even when its stated they're alright with listening. Its only when I'm Really upset that i do and I feel awful about it later... Because I've been on the other side, patching up someone else when im too emotionally drained but forcing myself to do it anyway bc.... That's what Good Friends Do(tm)

Its taken a few years for me to unlearn that particular flaw. I'm not putting myself in that place anymore but I remember it - sort of. As much as I can remember anything.

Idk. Its a weird feeling. I used to think I was a very good brainstorming partner - but after my usefulness dried up there in one particular friendship I found myself on the receiving end of silence in what I'd thought was a close friendship...

Now i dont really feel much confidence in that anymore. Or, like... If I do it it'll just wind up with me getting attached and them... Leaving.

Its not like it really matters tho- these days all I seem to be able to come up with are vague feelings, a half-thought out scenario... Part of a character. Nothing concrete.

I'm not sure where this is going but my head is starting to feel a little more empty so maybe this was what I needed.

Back to being alien.

I... Dont really recall the last time I really, truly felt like I belonged somewhere? And its not because people are unwelcoming. A lot of ppl I talk to are friendly and nice and make an effort to include others - its nothing on them...

I just...

Always feel out of place.

Like somethings not right. About me, specifically.

I over think, I misunderstand, i freeze up and have to write one sentence 10 times before I feel like its acceptable and even then sometimes hitting the send button feels like ripping off a bandaid.

I wish i knew how to not be Like This. I wish... I knew how to be comfortable. Maybe... Not feel like I'm living on the fringe of everything and at any moment whatever "community" im in will point and laugh

Or shun.

I've gotten better at stating when i think im misunderstanding but sometimes I think whats really happening is im just calling myself stupid and hoping whoever I'm talking to won't make fun of me for Not Getting It.

It being literally anything. A reference? A question? Instructions...?

Idk.

I feel like im too old for this but at the same time I feel like my chronological age does not match up with my experiential age, if that makes sense.

Like there's so many Things People Do that i haven't or have barely done and now... It seems a bit late for that. Like i missed that train. And logically i know that's not true but in practice... Eh. I don't know.

Sometimes I don't even know if i want to have those experiences or if i just want to not stick out like a sore thumb so much anymore.

Bc it feels like i do that everywhere. And not in a "oh im so different and unique and special" kind of way - more like a "point and laugh at that idiot" kind of way

Bleh.

I'm gonna call it quits on this post.

I'm sure it makes no sense but I don't really feel like i make sense most of the time anyway.

Just another side effect of that wall.