#because i haven't done it for three or four months and have lost a lot of my fitness

[cutebisexualmess]

you ever think you're doing amazingly and then one day pulls the entire thing apart and you've gone back three steps and feel like shit again

[the-cookie-of-doom]

split/kid! Kim AU as promised 😘

send me an ask and I'll tell you about one of these WIPs!

I haven't thought about this fic in so long I forgot it even existed, but I added it to the list just for you <3

In this fic, through ~magical handwaving~, Kim's younger self is split from his adult self. It was meant to only cut out his memories/trauma (bc Kim will turn to magic before therapy), but oops! Turns out all those memories became a whole person! So now there's a ~13 year old knife-wielding Kim running around the compound, and adult KimChay have no idea. The significance of that age is that's how old Kim was the first time he killed someone, and he sees that as the thing that ruined him as a person. So if he can get rid of the part of himself that decided to be a murderer, maybe he can become a better man for Chay. Spoiler, that's not how it works.

The whole idea behind the fic is Kim learning to forgive himself for the things he had to do to survive. It's a lot harder to blame yourself for life going wrong when you have to look that frightened child in the eyes and tell him everything is his fault. Kid Kim is also a darling, and the brother feels make me weep.

Chay’s phone is ringing on the nightstand. He reaches blindly for it, preoccupied with Kim’s mouth on his own.  “Ignore it,” Kim murmurs, giving Chay’s bottom lip a chastising little bite. He’s half on top of Chay, both of them naked, hands wandering, and well on their way to a second round. Kim is making a very compelling argument, but… “It’s hia,” Chay says, and finally grasps his phone, hitting “accept” on the second to last ring. Kim huffs at him and starts pressing warm kisses along his jaw instead. “Hello?” “Chay,” Porsche greets jovially. “Question for you. Why is your boyfriend a child?”  “... He isn’t?” Chay looks down at Kim, now mouthing at his collarbone, just to make sure. And yep, still the same twenty-three year old he’s been for the last four months.  “I’m literally staring at him, and he is.”  “I’m literally naked with him, and he isn’t. I think I would have noticed.” Porsche snorts on the other end of the line. Kim looks up at him curiously, his tongue tracing wet circles around a nipple. Chay tugs his hair to make him stop but it only encourages him to bite. “Want to tell me why you think Kim is a child, hia?”  “I’m a what?” Kim asks, his voice low and rough and dripping with judgment. “Has your brother lost his mind?”  “See for yourself.” Seconds later Chay gets a text alert. He pulls up the messages, and nearly drops his phone when he sees the picture that loads.  There, sitting beside Kinn, wearing obviously borrowed clothes and the stormiest scowl Chay has ever seen, is Kim. Unmistakably, irrefutably Kim. Chay, left gaping and unable to speak, turns his phone around to show his lover.  “... Hm.”  “What the fuck?” Chay whispers. Then, “Porsche, I’ve got to go. We’re on our way.”  He ends the call.  “You’re not surprised. Why are you not surprised?”  “I’m surprised.”  “Really? Because you sounded like I just told you the road flooded in monsoon season.” Chay pushes himself up to his elbows, dislodging Kim. “What gives? What did you do?” “Why do you think I did something?” “Because there’s two of you!” “... I didn’t do anything that would have done that.” “But you did do something.” Silence. Kim refuses to meet his eyes. “Kim.” “It wasn’t anything bad! I just… Look, don’t be mad, okay?” Chay takes a deep breath, and then another. They’ve been together for two years now. They’ve seen each other through a lot. Chay can confidently say they’ve reached a place where Chay would forgive him for anything, because he trusts Kim not to do anything unforgivable.  “Tell me what happened, then we can figure out what’s going on,” Chay says. “I might have… gotten rid of… my memories. Of my childhood.” “... What?”  Kim squirms. He pulls the blankets up higher, suddenly vulnerable in his nudity. At least he doesn’t try to run away.  “You’re always telling me to go to therapy. I thought I could go straight to the source, cut it out, then,” he takes a shuddering breath, “then I would be okay.” “Kim, you can’t—that’s not how it works.” Kim shrinks in on himself. Chay doesn’t let him hide, drawing Kim into his arms when he tries, clutching him close. “That’s—that’s half your life! And it’s just, what, gone?” “I thought it would be. Guess not. I promise I didn’t know this would happen.”  “And you were just going to hide this from me?” Kim shrugs. Chay’s heart clenches wondering how long Kim could have gotten away with it. He never talks about his childhood as it is, like he’s already locked that part of himself away. “When do your memories start, then?” “When I was thirteen, I think.” “Why that age?”  “That was the first time I killed a man.” Kim squeezes his arms around Chay’s middle, hiding away in his shoulders. Quietly, he adds, “That’s what broke me.”  The day he lost his innocence, Chay thinks. He stopped being a child when he took his first life.  Except he doesn’t believe that for a second. Trauma isn’t what makes someone an adult; Chay would know. Kim was still so young, and he must have been terrified. Alone. 

[megamuscle885-blog]

Alright, been thinking about this for the last four - five hours, and I figure Tumblr would be a great place to put my thoughts out there.

I've got an idea for my first Worm fanfiction. Combine Taylor Hebert, maybe a week or two after her release from the mental health ward, with an OC of mine from my time playing a Neverwinter Nights persistent world server; a drow Cleric of Lolth, freshly transformed into a Drider (a sort've cursed half drow, half spider centaur). I've probably talked about this a few times in either the Gaylor or Cauldron discord. I was mostly hoping to get an opinion from my followers and mutuals here on the OC in question, since Taylor Hebert is already a well known quantity.

Her name is Illiam'ala. I apologize to anyone using screen readers. I'm not sure what to tell you all about her; I don't want to reveal identifying information about the other characters and players I interacted with on the server, without their permission. I can definitely say that she's a drow's drow; cold, calculating, cruel. Paranoia rules her everyday life and the concerns of status, power and her personal security are always on her mind. I don't really intend to retell her story on the server, I considered it concluded when I wrapped up the character and deleted her.

But here she is, occupying space in my mind. Making comments on Taylor's actions. Both of them joining eachother in my head to talk about fanfiction I'm reading. How situations would've gone down different if they were there, together. If they're going to sit in my mind, I'm going to charge rent, I've decided.

So here's the new story for poor Illiam'ala. The original end of her story had her return to Menzoberranzan, and upon her return, she would be judged for her actions and accomplishments. In one timeline, she was received warmly (as warmly as a drow can be received by her goddess and her matron) and congratulated for what she had done, and the Temple she left behind written off as a lost cause.

In this timeline, she is punished. Personally, by Lolth. Dispatched to Earth Bet, to fulfill dark designs. Dropped infront of Taylor Hebert, who will serve as her Omen. I haven't yet decided what Taylor does, or what her rationalizations are here, but something about the situation causes her to take care of Illiam until she can return her traumatized mind to something resembling normalcy.

I'm not really sure where to start the story. Do I start in the alley where Taylor found her? Or maybe three months in? The day of the juice, the Lung fight, but everything's slightly off during the intro, right up until Illiam'ala's reveal (kinda spoiling it here now tho), when it's suddenly made clear that Taylor's been able to stick out this long because Illiam's been worming her way into Taylor's mind, reinforcing her with a helpful hand, forging magical equipment to augment her in the field, preparing for her debut. Everything slightly shifted because Illiam's given Taylor something as an example.

I'm sort've rambling here. In short, I want to introduce something that I don't think I've ever read in my time reading Wormfic or literature in general; a toxic mentorship between a girl and a much older woman (she's somewhere in her fourth century of life). Taylor slowly getting an idea of what Illiam'ala's world was like and Illiam'ala getting an idea of what the modern day - and what Earth Bet - is like. Culture shock. Taylor's hope for the future versus Illiam'ala's dark purpose, both of them thinking about their status and their worth in society, from massively different perspectives and values. I think I have to do some reading! About cults and how they hold people, except with actual miracles, tempered a little by the fact that every traumatized individual in Earth Bet can do something similar, at least until you start returning people from the dead. Reading about toxic relationships. I think I can pull off the manipulative rationalization. I'll need to pack a whole lot of life experience into a fictional character. She'll have to be smarter than me, wiser than me - and with such a long lifespan - probably more traumatized and subsequently compartmentalized than I'd ever be, stretched over twenty times my own lifetime.

I guess I'm asking if you'd all be interested in that? Everything's very much a work in progress. I don't know if I'll have anything ready for a chapter one yet, but I've got a rough plotline ready, all the way past Leviathan. Part of why I love reading character analysis posts here is that lately I've been going "Huh, how'd Illiam'ala figure that out." or "How could she use this knowledge" or "What would she do? What spells would she cast?"

I'll finish this post off with saying that I've never played DND ever, not any of the editions. I may read up on how things are done in pen and paper, but I don't see myself playing things strictly by the rules as written or intended. She was a max level cleric on the server, so it stands to reason she'd be a powerful cleric in the text too. I've been doing some reading on cleric spell lists and spell components and holy symbols, and looking for things to include as story beats and plot points. Resources, requirements, weakness to include; if someone were to pilfer her holy symbol, she'd lose a lot of capability if she didn't have a component pouch. A lot of materials that would be easy to find in Faerun won't be available in Earth Bet, and if they are, they'd likely be under different names. Sorry for the long post.

[gingiekittycat]

Hi, and happy Yuletide, holidays and/or the end of the year! I'm once again wandering from askbox to askbox, asking questions from my fellow Good Omens fanfic writers.

How was your writing year? What's the favourite story you wrote? Yes, YOUR favourite of YOUR work! Feel free to gush about your creations, I'm looking forward to hearing all about it!

I wish you all the comments and kudos, and an exceptional new year! 🧡 Mirjam

Happy holidays Mirjam! And thank you for the ask 💜.

How was my writing year? Spectacular, actually. I finished a fic I'd been picking at for four years, where which every sentence I wrote felt like pulling teeth (but I FINISHED it, the bastard). I wrote (goes back to check) 5 new fics after GO season 2 was released (I did the math, over 135,000 words in less than 4 months!!! How did I sleep? Eat? Do basic daily tasks? I don't even know) and the first three were only because writing was the only way I knew how to cope with all of my big feelings after the finale.

One of those fics actually became quite popular. It wasn't meant to be. It was meant to be a rant about my feelings after the finale, a rant about writing in general, a rant about how fanfic is such a strange and chaotic animal. I had just finished writing a super plotty fic which had been SO difficult, and I was tired of plot. I was tired of editing each sentence into oblivion, like I always did. I was tired of character arcs. I was tired of posting chapters and getting very little, if any, reader response. I was so tired that I wanted to stop writing, and I was angry that I couldn't. Even if no one was reading what I wrote, I couldn't stop.

Imagine my shock when people started reading the thing. Commenting on the thing, kudosing the thing. I kept writing it, with no end in mind, just pouring out word vomit in each chapter, pulling crazy stunts because I felt like it, because I wanted to, because I didn't care if it was good. It was some kind of eureka moment in a way, where I really understood what people have been saying about "write what you want."

And then something even more shocking happened: I stopped being tired and angry. I started having fun. And the plot and character arcs I was actively trying to avoid just came naturally, appeared out of nowhere, except they hadn't been out of nowhere, they'd been there the whole time. All of that painful work I'd done in previous fics, over previous years, had become second nature in this one. It just sort of happened.

What an experience in the end.

So yes, "We Can't Keep Meeting Like This" has to be my favorite of my own fics of the year. Not that I haven't written parts of other fics that I've liked more--because there are lots of parts in my other fics that I've liked more--but just for the catharsis that came from writing it. And, of course, for the readers who read it. I've made so many new wonderful fandom friends this year. I've never had many fandom friends before. I felt I came too late the fandom in fall 2019 to break into the already close-knit circles, and then I went through some intense person stuff in 2020 that caused me to take a pretty solid break from fandom for over a year. And by then, making GO fandom friends felt like a lost cause. Fandom is strange that way. The internet is a big place, but it can also feel so small.

(You said you wanted me to gush, Mirjam, and I'm not sure if this counts as gushing but this is your lesson anyway to be careful what you wish for.)

I'm on a self-imposed writing break right now. The holidays are busy, and there are parts of my real life that I've been neglecting (uh, like sleep). I have about 8 fics in my head instead, I've been making notes for them on my phone. So there will in all likelihood, be more to come.

But then again, I also feel like I might be brave enough to do something I haven't done in twenty years: write something original. Maybe. Maybe.

Anyway, thank you so much for the ask! It was a good opportunity to reflect on my personal experience with writing fic and the whirlwind of the last few months. Reading it back, it sort of feels like navel-gazing drivel, but then where else can you write that junk if not on your own blog? 😂

[van-yangyin]

TW tw: mental breakdown, tw: illness, it's abour our dog (Lea and me), just in case

A month and a few days ago I guess you have seen how I've done practically nothing on this blog, just writing challenges and little else. That's because some time ago Yuka, the puppy of our family (me and @lea-heartscxiv among them) didn't eat any fodder, and started scratching the wall with her mouth. At first we didn't take it as something so serious, in fact we thought it was the fodder, because she did eat the homemade food. But the night of the 6th to the 7th July, during the night she became very immobile and only breathed (although the first thing shouted was that she was dead, which was something quite shocking, before seeing her breathing) so we decided to take her to the vet, first we went to one and she told us that Yuka was anemic, that she ate very little and that lacked red blood cells, she needed a blood transfusion and they referred us to another vet. We went to the other vet and they did the same tests as at the other vet because the information they sent to them was insufficient and poorly done. They did an analysis and an ultrasound, in the analysis they found insufficient red blood cells as in the other vet and in the ultrasound they found that she has a fairly large tumor in the stomach which is what causes anemia, as the tumor causes the vitamins in the food to reject the vitamins provided.

The first operation is very expensive, of the three options we were given from $1600 to $2600 the most expensive (more or less) and it is also the first of many, not counting chemotherapies. It's a hereditary disease, she's 10 years old and her father died when he was 13 years old because of the same thing, so surely it was something that had to happen to her. In the end, much to our regret, we have decided not to operate her, because of the financial issue and because we don't want her to spend the last years of her life with operations and all that entails both physically and psychologically. This week until next week we're administering pills and liquids that protect her stomach so that she can eat again, the problem is that it's decisive that she eats, otherwise we will have to go back to the vet and see what we can do. And just today she doesn't want to eat anything and has vomited the pill along with the food we have given her. We have already had another dog with tumor in the past, in fact she had threetumors and died at the age of 15 without any operation, in fact she died because got lost and her condition when she was found was very weak (I was still a toddler). Although we know that every dog is different, when it has to happen it will happen and in the meantime she will be surrounded by lots of love and lots of cuddles, be it one, two, three, four, five years or whatever.

Lately that's why I haven't had the energy to sit down and start organizing posts of Custom Content to share. I've only been able to draw, write and create half-made custom content that isn't even well done, because of this lack of emotional energy.

I hope you can understand my situation. It's not that I'm leaving everything half done, it's just that my mental energy is only focused on Yuka, just like it's with Lea. We're starting again to publishing but for Costum Content part I don't want to share anything at the moment, because I can't do things in mood I'm in and then later regret what I've shared because I hated the final result.

I'm already starting to process everything that is going on and waiting for this week to see how everything progresses and if Yuka will finally eat or not, and get the energy she's missing. It's so heartbreaking to see how she wouldn't stand still before and now she's not even able to walk down a step from the door to go into the house. All she can do is just lie in the yard. But unlike the other day, now every time we go to her, she gets up and wags her tail, which was very difficult for her the pasts days.

[laufire]

I borrowed this from someone at dreamwidth and I thought I'd post it over here too: behold, my (completed*) January reading! feel free to borrow the meme yourself.

(list & some thoughts under the cut)

NOVELS

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. This was, technically, a reread. I say technically because I don't remember the last part of the book and now I'm wondering if I DNFed it over a decade ago and completely forgot LMAO. I... could see why. While it's A Classic, and there's plenty to like in the novel, especially in the sisters, the moralising really got to me at some points. The biggest was the one where Jo attends this meeting full of artists and geniuses and political giants ~behaving just like people~~ and this is DEVASTATING to her (and then Bhaer peddles some chrisitanism). Gurl, I would have loved that LOL. But all in all I mostly enjoyed the read. I did it bit by bit, subscribed to The Public Domain Book Club in substack; each month (or, in LW's case, each couple of months) they go through a book. I've kept the subscription for February, where it'll post "Sense and Sensibility", another Jane Austen novel I haven't read.

Lud-in-the-Mist by Hope Mirlees. I fucking ADORED this novel. I've mentioned it in this blog before but I just found it such a treat to read. Mirlees' prose is enticing and enchanting and everything I want mine to be. If you're someone that enjoys a good descriptive, florid style of narration, give this one a shot.

SHORT STORIES

I read three short stories by Angel Carter. The first three in "Burning Your Boats", apparently her earliest work: "The Man Who Loved a Double Bass", "A Very, Very Great Lady and Her Son at Home", and "A Victorian Fable (with Glossary)". They're not nearly as good as the handful of later ones I've read, but I enjoyed seeing some signs of her future style. "A Victorian Fable" was also really interesting in a technical sense.

*I put the cover of the whole book, although those three only form a section of it, just to make this more manageable.

COMICS COMICS COMICS

I'll just list here runs I set out to start and finished. Sometimes that means "reading every appearance of character X", sometimes "reading everything author Y did in this volume", sometimes "this one specific issue-long plot", sometimes it's a run properly speaking.

DC Speechless. Really cute run. Just some popcorn to the brain that you can chill with.

Robin: Year One. A re-read. Sometimes Chuck Dixon writes well. I absolutely don't have to hand it to him though.

The Judas Contract. A staple and a must-read if you're interested in these characters. Tara Markov's characterisation is sure. Something that happened. But unintentionally on the part of the writers, very, very interesting. And I loved reading Joey's introduction! Ngl, I lowkey ship him with Dick. I lowkey ship Dick with a lot of people lol.

Superman: Lost. This run is more interesting in a meta sense than a properly narrative one. I'll have to mull over it.

Oracle: Year One (The Batman Chronicles #5). Another re-read. BTW, it's already suspect that Robin: Year One has FOUR issues (and Nightwing: Year One SIX), AND JOKER IS GOING TO HAVE THREE, but Oracle: Year One is like, 18 pages within a random issue of a Batman-adjacent comic ñlaksdjf. She deserved something longer and plottier. BUT. Those 18 pages are near perfect and a must-read to all DC fans.

The Next Batman: Second Son. About Timothy "Jace" Fox, who was Batman for a little while. I was curious, and it's a really short read (the issues are more webtoon-length than usual comics length). It was fine, but I had set out to read it before I was like, 99% done with Prime Earth lol. I wouldn't read it now and I doubt I'll continue his journey. Sorry Jace, you were alright.

Nightwing/Huntress. Loved it. Gave me a new ship. A bit heavy-handed at times (Devin Grayson's writing gains a lot more subtlety later on), but I still loved it. And the art is gorgeous.

Batman & Son (Batman #655-658). AKA a reread of Damian's introductory arc. Morrison will have to answer for their crimes against Talia lol, but I wanted a refresher.

JLA/Titans. I'd say the same re: Devin's writing (and I'd say the same about the next in the list), but it was also a really enjoyable read. Very long, lots of characters and moving parts, lots of POWER OF FRIENDSHIP Titans stuff but they're messy as fuck (as proved by the continuation of this plot in...).

Titans #1-20, aka Devin's run. LOVED IT. They are SO messy, SO interesting, SO fun to read. The exact opposite of the current Titans run, if you ask me lmao. The character concepts alone... *chef's kiss*.

Devin Grayson's Nightwing run. Oh, this is a controversial one (yes, this one includes the infamous #93, but you have to analyse it in context)... but I adored it. Grayson's writing matured for this one, it's a lot more nuanced, it doesn't lead you by the hand. It was extremely compelling, maybe one of the most compelling storyarcs I've read in DC comics. And ofc, it was cut short and interrupted in an abrupt way by editorial meddling smh. @ dc, fight me.

Far From the Tree (Batman: Gotham Knights #15). I read this one because I wanted a taste for Tim's characterisation under certain circumstances. It's good. Bruce is an ass during it xD

[redwineconversation]

Camille Abily OL Night Systems Interview (October 24, 2023)

Blah blah standard disclaimers apply; @OL Comms there's another heatwave and it's still PSL season so really whichever one you wanna chip in for is fine with me; be a stan, get banned xoxo; OL Night Systems translations is a genuine cause for sleep paralysis but it's also how you get cool insights as a team - a moral dilemma if there ever was such a thing; y'all know the speech by now.

Jules > your club's "journalist".

I know Le Sommer and Dumornay have done OL Night Systems interviews this season but I really can't emphasize enough how time consuming these are to translate, so the order for the translations of OL Night Systems is directly related to whom I feel most like doing.

In which Camille Abily takes shots at the WSL and the D1 Arkema play-offs, contemplates the roster, and contemplates the UWCL draw. Pour yourself a decent glass of wine and sit down while the adults have a good and proper football chat.

You could play stupid games and win stupid prizes. Or, in the alternative - explain why a team is the way they are. As I like to say - just tell me why your eyes change, we can talk about the rest later.

To know this team is to understand them. This is how you get to that.

CAMILLE ABILY OL NIGHT SYSTEMS INTERVIEW

[Show introduction]

Jules: We're playing Drake music because we like it. As we told you yesterday, we haven't talked a lot about women's football recently because of scheduling. But now we're going to talk about it a lot because we have a really special guest, I guess I should say a really special regular. Welcome, Michael. How are you doing, Michael?

Michael: Hi, Jules. Hello to everybody. And hello to our special guest.

Jules: Our special guest, you've obviously seen her on the social media accounts for Lyon Feminin or OLPlay. It's Camille Abily who is with us. First of all, thank you, Camille, for having accepted the invitation.

Abily: Good evening. It was a pleasure.

Jules: We see you every three, four months on OLPlay but it's always nice to see you. We do a little recap each time, a progress report on how the season is going. So we're going to look back at the start of the season.

Abily: So we're discussing hindsight.

Jules: There'll be some good things. You'll see. Here's what is coming up: we already won a trophy, but we know we want to win everything when you're Olympique Lyonnais Feminin, there was the Trophee des Championnes won on September 10; we'll be talking about the almost perfect start to the season, we'll explain to why we said "almost"; the changes within the team; changes in status; the competition between the players who are in form; and especially, the objectives for the season. But before we get into all that, I found out we have something in common, Camille. We both play paddle tennis. We also don't have something in common: you lose in paddle tennis.

Abily: It depends on who you're playing against.

Jules: Exactly.

Abily: Jeanne [Lyon Fem's social media admin] told you that, that's not very nice.

Jules: I will never disclose my sources. But indeed -

Abily: Look, we played a session of paddle tennis this morning. It was my second time playing. First of all, I had a lot of fun doing it even if I didn't win. I didn't win, I didn't say I lost. I just didn't win. It was fun. Honestly it was really cool.

Jules: It was the second time playing with the players, I imagine?

Abily: Yeah, of course. We have very few players. We only have four players at the moment because it's the international break. So some stayed behind for rehab, notably Ada [Hegerberg] and Perle [Morroni]. We played with Maro[zsan], who plays really well, and Laura [Benkarth]. They both enjoy paddle tennis, it was cool.

Jules: You were talking about it being a particular situation since it was the break. It's already the second international break after maybe a month and a half of competition. How do you handle it? Because it must be complicated. There was the first day of the league, the Trophee des Championnes, then the break right after. Then we play three, four more games, another break.

Abily: It's complicated. After, we don't have a choice. It's complicated especially because the players have to play so much. They don't really have time to recover. For us, the advantage of having the few players who stay behind, we can give them proper recovery time but also keep them focused on the field, when you have four players, that's difficult. We have to do different activities, like we did this morning. And that allows us to switch things up a bit.

Jules: This paddle tennis activity, you couldn't have done it with the usual team and all of the players.

Abily: It would have been more complicated. But we could do it for team bonding, for example. But there's work involved as well. It's true that when we play, there's a lot of running involved, and that's nice. And it does allow us to do a different activity, change things up a bit.

Jules: As soon as you've had it a bit more practice at tennis paddle, we'll play against each other.

Abily: We'll see what happens. But you'll see, I'll get my revenge. Play against me, we'll see if you win.

Jules: Okay. We'll set something up.

Abily: Are we talking about football, Jules?

Jules: Paddle tennis, paddle tennis. I'm going to launch PaddlePlay. It's much easier for me. We were talking about the international break. There are a lot of them who left the Groupama Training Center, Michael. I don't have the numbers in front of me, but it's between - I'm going to say between 10 and 15, I'm not going to take any risks.

Michael: Yeah, a lot of players were called up to their national teams. So as Camille [Abily] said, there were only four players at the Groupama Training Center for this international break. I imagine it's a little bit difficult to get into the rhythm of things, especially as we know there is a big, big game coming up after the international break.

Abily: Yeah, it's difficult. For the last international break, we had the U-17 boys come train with us. But as it's also school break, they were on break as well, so we couldn't have them this week. That's why we decided to do other activities. And tomorrow - tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, we'll do work on the pitch, try to work per position.

Jules: And last year, the international breaks were cursed for you with the injuries to Griedge M'Bock and Ada Hegerberg. Here things went well for you during the first international break, we hope that the same will happen this time.

Abily: Yeah, we almost have the whole team available. Obviously there's still the longterm injuries like with Delphine Cascarino, but otherwise we have the whole team available. And we hope they will be in - they're back - I hope they will return in good physical health. I finally managed to get that out. In good physical health. Especially since we're playing Paris FC right after, as you said.

Jules: Yes, it'll be the big clash. We'll have the opportunity to talk about it later when we talk about the schedule and the results of the international players a little later. But first let's talk about the start to the season. One of the objectives has already been accomplished, it's the Trophee des Championnes, Michael, on September 10 against our favorite enemy, Paris Saint-Germain.

Michael: Exactly, it's a trophy. We're going to watch the highlights right now of the first trophy, the Trophee des Championnes. It was on September 10, Jules, as you pointed out, against Paris Saint-Germain. A 2-0 win with goals from Melchie Dumornay in her first official game with Olympique Lyonnais, and a second goal by Eugenie Le Sommer in the 67th minute. I imagine, Camille, that that first game, right at the beginning of the season, it's always a little strange. Trophee des Championnes, there's a trophy at play, the teams are immediately competing against each other.

Abily: Yeah. It was difficult because they [the players] came back from the World Cup really late, we didn't have a lot of time - but that goes for both teams - to prepare for this game. But it's important from the start of the season to show our supremacy, we can say. We know the season is going to be very complicated but even mentally just showing to Paris [Saint-Germain] that we're going to show up, that's really important.

Michael: Yeah. And it was a game that Lyon controlled pretty well, 2-0. The games are often pretty close, but you were in control pretty much all game. I saw the statistics, 25 shots for Olympique Lyonnais, it was a good showing from the beginning of the season.

Abily: Yeah, it was important. As we said, often the games are really close. We managed it pretty well. It's true that second goal was a bit lucky. Eugenie [Le Sommer] was opportunistic. But it allows us to manage the load a little better. It's really important that Paris [Saint-Germain] doesn't think they can beat us.

Jules: And it's also the third Trophee des Championnes. The third won against Paris Saint-Germain. There was a second clash a few weeks later, if we can say that, in the second day of the league. Another win. You said that it was important to remind them from the beginning of the season that "this is Lyon", as the saying goes.

Abily: Yeah, exactly. That being said, that was a trophy. In the league, with the playoffs, and I'm sure we'll talk about that, it changes things completely. But in any case for us, for our confidence, for the team dynamics, it's important to win there.

Jules: It's interesting that you brought up the playoffs. It's rare to have a Lyon - Paris Saint-Germain or a Paris Saint-Germain- Lyon so early in the season. Before it was the unofficial final in the league. Now there's this new formula with the playoffs. Are the clashes against Paris Saint-Germain still important, or does it become more of a game like any other?

Abily: No, it's always going to be important because it's a big game, it's the type of game we like to play. However, there's much less pressure. We can say as much as we like that, but because of the playoffs, even though Paris lost they can still be champions. But before in the league, if you lost just one of your head-to-head clashes, it could make things much more complicated.

Jules: Exactly. And with this win so early in the season, the direct rival is the other club based in the capital, Michael. We didn't have time to do this in depth yesterday but it's not Paris Saint-Germain who is hot on our heels.

Michael: No, it's Paris FC. We'll see it right now with the ranking. Paris FC have also won all of their matches, five wins in five games. 15 points and a nice goal differential as well, they're +17. We're still first with +19, but it's true that this year, Camille, with this early win against Paris Saint-Germain, it's Paris FC who is right behind us.

Abily: Yeah, and Paris FC is having a really good start to the season. I think everyone knows their results in the Champions League. They shone against Arsenal, against Wolfsburg.

Jules: Semi-finalist and finalist last year.

Abily: Exactly.

Michael: Did those wins surprise you? They were against two big teams who are used to the Champions League.

Abily: Not with Arsenal, no, because that was predictable. That being said Paris FC had more time to prepare, Arsenal had some players in the World Cup, they started the preseason really quickly. So it was a bit more complicated. But I wasn't really surprised. However against Wolfsburg, I was pleasantly surprised. When you look at their start of the season and how they're playing, it's really, really high quality football. So that's why the game coming up in two weeks for us is going to be really important.

Jules: We know that typically the most important game is against Paris Saint-Germain. Paris FC was part of the group of clubs behind, like Reims, Fleury, Montpellier. Is it surprising - well maybe not to be second, five wins out of five maybe. But are you surprised that their start of the season is that good?

Abily: No. They're a hard working team. They're really - well without putting down the others down, the three teams who are really ahead are Lyon, Paris Saint-Germain and Paris FC. I think that Montpellier and Fleury have already dropped points against small teams. So it's really that trio who will be fighting for first place. So it will be important to finish first, because we know the second place team will play the third placed team. So that could be a really important semifinal.

Jules: For the moment we have a six point lead over Paris Saint-Germain, but Paris Saint-Germain has a game in hand because of that incident with fireworks in the game against Reims. There was a similar incident in the men's game, now it's affecting women's football as well. You were talking about the playoffs. Eugenie Le Sommer was on the show a few weeks ago. She told us that it didn't really change anything for her, the goal is to be first at the end of the regular season because as you said, it's usually easier to play the fourth placed team than the second or third.

Abily: That's for sure. It doesn't change things that much for us, but that being said, Eugenie [Le Sommer] is a competitor. She wants to win everything. However, it's obvious that it's a different system. We won't be allowed to make any mistakes [in the playoffs]. It's true that playing the fourth ranked team at home always helps. But what surprises me the most is that it's done over 90 minutes. There's no extra time, it will go straight to penalties. So it doesn't leave - we know that in football, it's difficult. It's not always the best team who wins. So there can be surprises. Now it will be up to us to prepare the best that we can, manage them - win, too - but manage them the best that we can.

Jules: Normally that should work out. But does it mean that if Lyon doesn't finish first at the end of the season, would that be considered as a failure or, since there are the playoffs and that "catch-up", I'm going to put that in quotes, it's all good?

Abily: It's all good. It's acceptable. What's important is to win at the end, even if of course we want to finish first. As I said, we can finish first in the league then lose in the playoffs, we don't score, you lose on penalties, there's a penalty in the last minute. There's - we've been there before [controversial loss against Chelsea in the UWCL]. But things can happen, whereas in a [regular] league -

Jules: It's a bit of a Russian roulette.

Abily: Exactly. Usually in league play, it's always the best team who wins. When there are playoffs, that can be different. But we're lucky to have a really good team, there's a lot of quality, and we'll need to prepare properly. After, it's the type of game as players we like.

Jules: Do you like this playoffs system, that we haven't yet - that we're going to discover.

Abily: No, because there's too much uncertainty. And what it bothers me the most is the qualification for the Champions League. You can finish first in the regular season, you play the fourth placed team, for whatever reason you don't win the game, they can be in the Champions League and not you. You can be Olympique Lyonnais and not play in the Champions League. Now of course we don't think like that, because we can win and we're competitors, obviously, but it's a reality. So it's not a system I like the most, however where I get it, it's in terms of the appeal for the league. For us it's a disadvantage, however for the league it's an advantage because everything gets put back in play. Everything is put back in play, and I think it will be more difficult for teams to be champions like Lyon has done.

Jules: That's the point of view of Camille Abily, the coach. What is the point of view of Camille Abily, the player, on the playoffs?

Abily: It's similar. It's similar. After, there's the excitement for the playoffs, because there's the adrenaline rush for those types of games. So obviously I would like to play in a final.

Jules: I know you're not going to tell us everything because you're focused on the game against Paris FC. We've already said it's an important game. It's right after the international break. Is that not the worse moment to play Paris FC?

Abily: Yeah, it's never - we always get our players back really late after the international break. There are players who were on the other side of the world. There we have a bit of luck, I would say, with the Chilean National Team and the Australian National Team. We released the players early in order to get them back early. That will allow us to have Ellie [Carpenter] and Christiane [Endler] back a little earlier, because sometimes we only get them back on a Friday and there's a game on Sunday. So we know it's not easy. But it's true it's not the best time to play Paris FC.

Jules: Especially as up until now the calendar was pretty light, you were playing every week, sometimes there was even a bit more time in between because of the international break. Now, as of the month of November, there will be the UWCL, which we will talk about in a bit. Now you're going to be playing every three days. It's not going to be the same thing.

Abily: Yeah. But we also have the team to be able to do it. We have a lot of quality players. Sometimes there are some frustrated players, they're not playing a lot, they're not getting a lot of minutes. And I get them, that's normal, they all want to play. But here we really will need everybody, that's why it's important to have the team that we have.

Jules: We're going to talk about this team and managing game time. But we're going to stay on the almost perfect start to the season. It's what we said in the preview. Why almost? Everything is going well so far, nothing but wins, a trophy.

Abily: We conceded a goal.

Jules: She knows. We have high expectations.

Abily: So do we.

Jules: We both have to be. Michael, we have a statistic. We conceded a goal. We could say, "ah, it's okay." It is okay, because it had been a while since we conceded a goal.

Michael: Exactly. 480 minutes since Olympique Lyonnais Feminin had conceded a goal. We'll see it on the screen. That's why we said almost perfect, because one goal conceded. The last goal we conceded, it was also against Reims, it was May 27th, 2023. And it was a goal from Melchie Dumornay, who is now playing for Olympique Lyonnais. 480 minutes without conceding a goal. Now you did end up conceding, but it's a flattering statistic for your team.

Abily: Yeah, we were still frustrated though. And I think the players were as well, because they wanted their clean sheet record to last as long as possible. Especially as it was a goal we could have avoided. That made it even more frustrating. So yeah. But now, we still won, so we're satisfied. But it's true we would have liked to have a clean sheet a little bit longer.

Jules: I remember, you came on the show last February. Everything had been going well in January. There was a new formation, the 4-4-2 diamond. You hadn't conceded a goal. You said you had a goal, it was to do clean sheets for the rest of the season.

Abily: I jinxed it. It was my fault. We're going to play Paris FC soon, what are you getting at?

Jules: I didn't say anything. But jokes aside it's obviously something you're interested in. Everyone is always interested in the team's offense, you've been scoring a ton since the start of the season. But only have conceded one goal, it's pretty impressive.

Abily: Yeah, of course. But after when we look at the quality of the team, obviously we don't want to concede any goals. We want to leave as little chances as possible to the opponents. And it's important to put forward this defensive solidarity.

Jules: We also had Simon Pouplin on the show, he's the goalkeeper coach and also in charge of free kicks. We asked him how he handled the cases of Christiane Endler and Laura Benkarth, who sometimes don't really have a lot to do over the course of 90 minutes, same as with the defenders. So how do you keep them motivated and tell them, well a little bit like we saw against Reims, it just takes one ball, one minor error, and it can be super costly.

Abily: Yeah. That's the top level, and that's where you be super concentrated, and stay focused throughout the entire game even if you don't see the ball very often. That being said Chris[tiane Endler] is a bit more used to it, because she's been here for a few seasons. Laura, it's her start with us, she's maybe not used to having so little to do. But those are margins of progression for her.

Jules: We'll talk a bit more about Laura Benkarth and the other arrivals. It's a good opportunity to talk about the changes to the team. There were some modifications, shall we say, to the team's roster. There were quite a few departures, a few arrivals. Well going to go into detail about all that and do a recap. Michael, do you want to start us off with the players who left?

Michael: Yes. We saw a lot of changes this summer at Olympique Lyonnais Feminin. We'll talk about the departures first, with the departures of Janice Cayman, Signe Bruun, Catarina Macario, Amandine Henry, Emma Holmgren and Alyssa Paljevic. All those departures, I imagine it was a lot of change at once, even if there were two goalkeepers on that list. It's still players that you have to replace.

Abily: Yeah of course. They were also really quality players, we know that. Now, some were at the end of their contract, they wanted to experience something else. Others, it was just the end of a cycle at Lyon. It's also - it's really important that both parties want to stay.

Jules: A common agreement.

Abily: That's it. That's the most important thing. Now there were also players who wanted more playing time. Last year, we had a lot of players who were injured at the start of the season As such, when everyone came back, some players really didn't get much playing time. That caused them a lot of frustration, they wanted to go play elsewhere. So that's also why they wanted to leave.

Jules: Speaking of players who had playing time at the beginning of the season and then when players started coming back didn't get as much, it's the case of Ines Benyahia, who went out on loan. She isn't the only one. Some players - well, one player - crossed the channel.

Michael: Yes, we're going to see it on the chart we prepared. Two players went out on loan for Olympique Lyonnais. Melvine Malard went out on loan to Manchester United and Ines Benyahia who went to Le Havre. I imagine those are two players who you count on but who wouldn't necessarily get a lot of playing time.

Abily: They are two young players. For Melvine, she's a bit older, she had a season with us a couple of years ago where she was starting a lot, she was really important for the team. Last year it was a bit more difficult for her. There's a lot of competition. I think for her to get going again, it was important for her to regain confidence elsewhere. And that's going really well for her, because she is scoring for Manchester [United], she's been the deciding factor on several occasions. So I think it will be good for her. And as I said, she's a young player who is under contract with us, she needs to progress more to come back stronger.

Michael: Ines?

Abily: And for Ines? For Ines, with her case, she's much younger. She's really part of the future [is she though...] and it's important for her to experience the D1 Arkema, to be an important and major player in a team, because we know that when you're young and a midfielder, there's a lot of competition here at Lyon. It would have been difficult to give her the playing time she deserved.

Michael: How does it work when players go out on loan? Do you watch every game, do you follow everything? Do you have discussion with the other coaches?

Abily: It's more Theo, Theo Rivrin, the assistant coach, who has relations with them and discussions with the opposing staff. Now Ines, she's in the D1 Arkema, so it's easier to follow her. We see a lot of her games. I have to follow the English league, and we saw Melvine in the games against PSG. If I'm not mistaken they just played against Tottenham and she scored there, I think they won 5-0.

Jules: Why did you choose to send Melvine out on loan to England rather than in D1 Arkema?

Abily: That was more her. It was the player's choice. On our side, we didn't want to strengthen a direct competitor. In France there weren't a lot of clubs - Melvine is still an international player who has shown a lot of things. It's not like a young player, like Ines, who just arrived. So it was good for her to see other things. And as I said, mentally it will be good for her to see another work method.

Jules: That being said, what had worked in previous years, it's the case of Vicki Becho, she went out on loan to Reims and came back as a transformed player. It was a loan that was really beneficial for her and for you as well in the mid- and long-term.

Abily: Completely. And I hope it will be the same thing with Ines. Vicki, when she went out on loan, it did her a lot of good. We saw a completely different Vicki afterwards.

Jules: Is that what you quickly tell the young players on the team - I'm thinking of Ines Benyahia, but there's also Alice Sombath who is a bit more settled in with the first team, Alice Marques, Liana Joseph. Is that something you bring up to them yourself "hey, why don't you try and get some experience out on loan" or if they want to push themselves and try to beat the competition, then go for it?

Abily: We try to be as honest as possible and we try to see what the possibility of playing time is. That's what interests us, their progression. If we think that they can progress with us and have playing time, then they have to stay with us, obviously. They're with us on a daily basis, we can really work with them. However, last year, Ines was already with us daily, she had a little bit of playing time, but she deserved even more because she is really a quality player. But we couldn't give it to her because we have a lot of players, and other players were in front of her. So it was time for her to go [on loan], and then next year, maybe after some changes in the roster, she'll be able to install herself a bit more [Lyon doesn't have any midfielders up in 2024 so curious on how that will work]. That's also how we work with the young players.

Michael: I imagine that for Melvine and Ines, who already had a good resume - I don't think it's the case at Olympique Lyonnais, but I imagine that for the younger players, the fact that the third division exists and that we have a team in D3, it allows you to give young players some playing time and eventually move up.

Abily: Exactly. Exactly. It's super important to have that team - it's our second team in the third division - because it's those players, it's the U-19s like Liana Joseph, Alice Marques - so if you look at it, they're training daily with the best players in the pro team, and the weekend they can go play in the D3. It's top. It's really top.

Jules: It's a new thing, the D3. Michael told me it started this season. Before the young players, or "reserve" players I could say, they were playing in the R1 or with the U-19s, and that's not best for you. I know that a lot really wanted the creation of this D3. It works out for you.

Abily: Oh yeah, yeah. It was really something Olympique Lyonnais was pushing for. If it had happened, it's because we had been pushing for it for a while, and the fact that the former president, Jean-Michel Aulas, is now at the federation, that helped a lot as well to have that team in D3. It was really something we had been pushing for. And now they can play against more senior players in a national league, and that's interesting for them.

Jules: Do you follow the games in the D3?

Abily: Yeah, of course. Of course. We try to follow along, but we're often playing the same day. But in any case we watch [the games], and we do an analysis at the end of the game.

Jules: Who handles the transitions between the D3 and the D1? Do you make the calls, is it -

Abily: It's Theo [Rivrin]. It's always Theo. Theo does everything. I'm joking but Theo really has that role with the players out on loan and the young players, so he's the one in permanent contact with the academy, his contact there varies depending on what he is after. And we often see each other - well Sonia [Bompastor] used to be Director of the Academy, so she obviously has that relationship with the academy. We often interact.

Jules: We've been talking about the departures, permanent departures, departures on loan. But there were also some arrivals. Three arrivals this summer, well, two plus one, because one was made official in January.

Michael: Yes, one was made official in January, as you said. It was Melchie Dumornay, who came from Stade de Reims. But there were two more arrivals, Laura Benkarth, the backup goalkeeper for Olympique Lyonnais, and the big transfer of the summer, that was Kadidiatou Diani, who came from PSG. How did the players adapt? We saw very quickly for Diani and Dumornay, for example, they were immediately starting in the Trophee des Championnes last September.

Abily: Yeah, well, Melchie Dumornay, Kadidiatou Diani, those are world class players, it must be said. They're part of the best players in the world. So those were two big, big arrivals. Regarding Laura [Benkarth], it was a really nice surprise. In my eyes, she's a really, really top level goalkeeper and we're really happy to have her with us, because we know that if for some reason Chris[tiane Endler] is injured, we have a goalkeeper capable of replacing her. So we had a transfer season with few players but there were really really big players, and we're really satisfied.

Jules: I was going to say that. We saw six departures, they were all at the end of their contract, departures on loan as well. Only three arrivals. I imagine that was a choice based on what you've said. Was it to give the academy players playing time or was the roster enough as it was?

Abily: Both. A little bit of both, a little bit of both because as I said, we had a lot of injuries about a year and a half ago, so obviously -

Jules: There was that game against Arsenal where there was basically an entire team missing.

Abily: Jules likes to bring up bad memories. He really likes to get those digs in.

Jules: Would you prefer talking about that or paddle tennis?

Abily: Paddle tennis. I don't care about what happened in paddle tennis. Losing 5-1 to Arsenal, I do care about that. Anyway - I lost my train of thought.

Jules: There were a lot of injuries.

Abily: There were a lot of injuries, we had a team with 28, 29 players under contract, which is a lot, especially as we knew we had a 2006 generation coming up who had a huge amount of potential, so we wanted to make sure there were spots for them, it's important for us to give them the opportunities to express themselves [I say this as a longtime fan of Alice Marques: no, it's not], have them train with us on a daily basis, and why not try and get some minutes.

Jules: We saw some of the young players play in the preseason, I'm thinking of Liana Joseph who you know quite well, Michael, since you've commented some of her games with the U-19s.

Michael: Yes, I've seen her a lot with the U-19s. But when you see Julie Swierot, Maeline Mendy as well, there's a lot of young players with a bright future ahead of them.

Abily: With a lot of potential. As I was saying before, we're lucky to have top quality players. That's why it's important to open the door for them. We need to find the middle ground. We have a team with a lot of experienced players, huge talent, but to have those young players who have the opportunity to come train and try and get some minutes, that's important.

Jules: You've heard it here first. You have to start when you are seven.

Michael: How does it go with the group then? I imagine the older players must help the younger players a lot. I imagine that's really, really good for them.

Abily: Oh yeah, it's great. We've talked about the three you mentioned, there's also Sangare, she's training - she's a central defender and she's in practice next to Wendie Renard, Griedge M'Bock, Vanessa Gilles.

Jules: There are worse out there. There are worse role models.

Abily: It's exceptional for them.

Jules: I'm not going to name my role models.

Abily: As I was saying, it's exceptional for them. The older players. the more experienced ones, they're top, because they really try to install the team's values, because that's important, but also to give them a lot of guidance on the pitch.

Jules: But it's important to talk about the academy, because we talked about it a lot with the men's team, but not a lot on the women's side. There are quite a few products, if I can say that, which are coming out of the academy. And as you said, the fact that Sonia [Bompastor] was the Director of the Academy, that helps and that aids that transition. We've talked about the arrivals, we're going to see what it looks like on film. We're going to start with Melchie Dumornay, who came on the show with two trophies - Trophee des Championnes and Player of the Game - and a third trophy, herself. Those were her words, I'm just paraphrasing Melchie Dumornay.

Michael: And we're going to watch Melchie Dumornay's highlights since the beginning of the season. Melchie Dumornay, who started four times this season, scoring twice and three assists. She's already a deciding factor, she adapted extremely fast.

Abily: Yeah, yeah. She's a world class player as I've said. So when you understand football it's easy to adapt to the great players around you. She's a simple girl who wants to learn, which is important because you can't forget she's a really young player as well. So it's gone really, really well.

Michael: She was already performing miracles with Reims. We said it earlier, she was the one who scored the last goal against Olympique Lyonnais, and we see it now, she's really decisive in every game, she really has a capability of eliminating players, her speed really makes a difference.

Abily: Yeah. Her mobility is impressive, she has both power and technical qualities. And she's able to play in different positions, so it's super for us in the staff.

Jules: And she already has an understanding with Eugenie Le Sommer, with her two assists in the derby against ASSE. You were talking about how polyvalent she is, it's just part of Melchie Dumornay's qualities. You recruited her in January, she finished the season with Stade de Reims. How long were you following Melchie?

Abily: Well she had already been with us in the academy. So that's to say it's been a while. She already came to train with Lyon what, five, six years ago maybe. So we had already been following her. But we couldn't do anything because she was too young, she wasn't 18 yet.

Jules: She went back to Haiti.

Abily: Exactly. I followed the U-20s in England in 2018 where she was already exceptional, people were already talking about her and the club had already been following her for a while. And to be honest she's a super, super recruit.

Jules: And you said, Michael said it as well, she adapted super quickly. You can see it with her statistics. You almost get the impression when she's on the field that it's just a game for her. Everything is so easy. She's young, she's 20 years old, same age as Rayan Cherki, but there's an almost carefree aspect to Melchie. Even when she came onto the show, she was enjoying herself. There's no pressure, everything is cool, everything just washes off her. She's nice, Melchie Dumornay.

Abily: The type of carefree that comes with youth. But she's someone who works very hard, who has high expectations for herself. Even if you get that impression from her, she can get very frustrated when she isn't managing to do something on the pitch. We talk about it, sometimes too much, she's very demanding of herself. Unfortunately mistakes happen in football, that's part of football. She has to be able to mentally accept that in order to come back stronger.

Jules: So she's a laidback perfectionist.

Abily: Very laidback off the field, but she can get very frustrated on the field when her performances aren't working out for her.

Jules: The other star recruit this summer, Michael said it, it was the transfer of the summer. It was the case of Kadidiatou Diani who left Paris Saint-Germain to join Olympique Lyonnais. The adaption was a bit more complicated, we're going to put it down as because of the World Cup. But if you look at the statistics, it's going really well.

Michael: Yes, statistically it's going very well for Kadidiatou Diani. Five games played since the start of the league, one goal and three assists. She's also - maybe not yet at full potential but she's already one of the difference makers and is doing a lot of damage.

Abily: Yeah. As I said, Kadi[diatou Diani], it's exceptional that we got her. She had a season last year with PSG which was extraordinary, she kept PSG alive the whole season.

Jules: She was PSG's attacking force, simple as that.

Abily: Exactly. Now it's true that with us, there was an adaption period as well, because it's not the same system, she's playing against teams with a lower block, Paris [Saint-Germain] played more in counter. So it's different. However, I think - and we saw it especially against Reims - we got back a Kadi who was back in form. There was the hangover from the World Cup, physically she wasn't at her best, which is normal. Now it's what we tell them, the most important thing is to be ready now. It's important now but what matters is what is coming next. We're happy to have Kadi back at that level and it must be said, Kadi is really a deciding factor. Three assists, one goal, it's already some nice stats.

Michael: How did the transfer go down? Did you, with Sonia, did you talk to her directly? How did it go?

Abily: Yes, we had her a little bit on the phone. Kadi and I know each other well, we played together on the French National Team and she would be right next to me in the lineup, so I could annoy her a ton. But I called her, we looked back on all that. I still annoy her sometimes.

Jules: It's okay, she signed with us, that doesn't matter now.

Abily: It's all good, it's all good. But it's true we talked a little bit, but we knew she is a world class player. We think she can still progress, and she can still bring a lot of things to Lyon.

Michael: Was it easy for her to integrate the group? I imagine that she knows a lot of the players, both because of the French National Team and because of the D1 Arkema. Did she integrate the group well?

Abily: Yeah, of course. It's easy, she already has all of her national teammates with her and she got along really well with them. It's true that in the beginning it must have been a bit strange, when you come from PSG it's always a bit particular. I think she has integrated the team really well. She's also back with Perle Morroni, who she got along with really well at Paris [Saint-Germain]. So it's going really well.

Jules: You were talking about the World Cup effect with maybe a physical aspect because she played a lot with the French National Team. We said that it was the transfer of the summer. Wasn't there a bit of pressure for Kadidiatou Diani?

Abily: I don't know. I don't think she's really the type to put pressure on herself, Kadi. She's really someone calm -

Jules: Maybe not put pressure, but maybe there was pressure surrounding her. There was a media storm, I've never heard people talk about a transfer as much as they did Kadidatiou Diani's this summer.

Abily: Yeah, even if I think she processed it well. Beyond that, I would say it was more of a physical setback than anything in the mental aspect. But yeah, as I was saying, she's getting better and better, and we're really happy.

Jules: Indeed, Kadidiatou Diani is going to do us a lot of good. She hurt us - I'm going to stop myself there.

Abily: We haven't lost a lot of games, but each time Jules brings up games we've lost.

Jules: It's like that, I'm here to heckle you. Camille, we're going to stay with the recruits. Laura Benkarth arrived. She was in a bit of a difficult situation. She didn't speak any French but she has been taking lessons and she is improving, we can tell. How does that work, the integration of a backup? Because I imagine that when she came in, you didn't give her any false hope, Cristiane [Endler] was the starter.

Abily: Yeah, of course. After, Simon [goalkeeping coach] would be able to answer this better because he talked with her before and works with her daily, but what I will say is that Laura has an exceptional mentality. She's learning French very quickly. We're lucky to have Maro[zsan] and Sara [Dabritz] who are German as well, they help her a lot with the integration. And we can see, she's a really top person, calm, and she wanted to integrate with the group immediately. Laura had the advantage of coming in at the start of preseason. Since the players were coming back one at a time, she really had the time to get to know everyone a little bit. Because when you come in and there's the entire group, it's harder. That was the positive thing about the World Cup, she was able to integrate the group progressively.

Jules: And the status of backup, she accepted it pretty easily? Even if she has played already, there were the game when Christiane Endler was out on international duty. And you rotate a lot as well, we'll see it later, so she will get playing time.

Abily: Of course she will get playing time. Not really to the detriment of Chris[tiane Endler] but because we know we need to prepare her in case there is a problem. Chris could have gotten a red card, could have gotten injured. So it's important to keep her focused. There is a hierarchy with the goalkeepers, so obviously they know that. But I think there's a good relationship with Chris and also with Laurine - umm, Feerine. Feerine Belhadj, who is also our third goalkeeper and who is a really good goalkeeper and that's top.

Jules: You were speaking about a turnover with the goalkeepers. We're going to look at the turnover since the beginning of the season with the number of players used. There aren't a lot of surprises there, Michael.

Michael: No, not a lot of surprises but a lot of players used. There's a stacked roster. And we use the players. There's names like Christiane Endler, Selma Bacha, Perle Morroni, but then you have younger players like Alice Sombath. You rotate a lot. There's a stacked roster and you make the most of it.

Abily: I think it''s important to have everyone involved. There will be periods where we don't rotate as much because your "main 11" need to actually play. But we're lucky to have lots and lots of quality on the team. The main 11 isn't always easy to find, because a lot of them deserve to play. Unfortunately, as we sometimes tell them, we can only put 11 players on the field. So there are choices to be made. But we know we can count on the entire team and we have a lot of quality.

Jules: The advantage is that it's a turnover that's chosen and wanted. There aren't really any injuries at the moment. So what is it? Are there tests? Is it load and/or ego management? Which philosophy is it?

Abily: A little bit of everything, honestly. There's a bit of everything in that your game management is about avoiding injuries. That's the most important thing. There are players who play a lot with their national teams, when they come back - we were really scarred by all the injuries we had in the past. So our objective - as an example, Wendie [Renard] didn't play this weekend. She had been playing a lot, it was clear she needed a rest, she had been playing so much since the beginning of the season.

Jules: The international break is coming up.

Abily: The international break is coming up. We know she is going to play 2x90 minutes with the French National Team, and then we have a lot of games scheduled. So it was the only moment - and if we know we can do it, it's because we know we have the quality behind. We have Griedge M'Bock, Vanessa Gilles. You could have even done it with Alice Sombath, who in this case played on the right. We have the quality. So already you have load management. Then you obviously have things you want to see, even if you won, there are things - the main team isn't the best yet, there's still choices to be made. And that's why as well we want to see certain players at certain times.

Jules: And you also have players who can play in different positions. We talked about Melchie Dumornay, who can play on the wings or in a central role, same thing with Kadidiatou Diani, with Selma Bacha who can play as a left back or left winger. So this is more of a test period for you then.

Abily: When we have them play in different positions?

Jules: Yes.

Abily: Yes, a little bit. That being said, Selma, we saw what she was doing with the French National Team, so we know she is capable of playing there [left winger]. We have Perle Morroni in defense as well, who is doing really well. Perle deserves to play, Selma deserves to play, so it does allow us to test both of them together. What we don't want them to think is that it's one of the other. That's not the case. And I don't know if we will talk about it later, but it's like when Eugenie Le Sommer performs well, if Ada [Hegerberg] performs well - the two can play together. What we want is to have the best players to create the best team possible. If in the best eleven there are Perle and Selma, then they will play together.

Jules: Is the starting eleven flexible depending on the opposition or do you have your idea as the staff and that's final?

Abily: No, on the whole we have our firm belief within the staff. That being said, we'll make the decision more based on the space the opposition is leaving us, which we will need to exploit, to give us indications on the game. For the opposition as well, it's where we can hit them the hardest. But on the whole we won't change.

Jules: Right now you've been playing in a 4-3-3 formation since the beginning of the season. There was an experiment with a 4-4-2 diamond in the middle of last season which worked out, here you went back to the 4-3-3. Is it set in stone or can we imagine it will change with the return from injuries? I'm thinking of Delphine Cascarino.

Abily: When - to be sincere, when we changed formations, it was because of the players we had available. What's important is to put the players in the best position possible. When we went to the 4-4-2 diamond formation, we had a lot of midfielders who were performing really well, and we didn't want to pass over those players because they were playing well and deserved to play. For the offense, we had more injured players so it was a little bit harder. So it's mainly for that. Now, we've been playing in a 4-4-3, but there's also a 3-5-2, there's the 4-4-2 diamond. There's a lot of interesting formations and we have the players to be able to do them.

Jules: Problems only a rich team can understand, as we like to say. Staying with players playing in different positions, Alice Sombath played this weekend as a right back. Her natural position is a center back, but there's stiff competition, there's Griedge M'Bock, Wendie Renard, Vanessa Gilles. Could it be an actual solution to have Alice Sombath as a backup for Ellie Carpenter? Janice Cayman left and you didn't buy any right backs.

Abily: Yes. She already did it last season, I don't know if you remember. Alice played a fair amount of times on the right side. We knew that with Alice, we wouldn't have a lot of worries with the defense. Now obviously she doesn't bring the same offensive threat as Ellie Carpenter, because she doesn't have the same qualities. But in any case it's one of the possibilities. And Griedge M'Bock has also played sometimes in that position, because we don't have any pure right backs [other than Carpenter]. However we do have two center backs who can play there. And I like a little bit - well it's in our head at least - Vicki Becho, even if she really doesn't like it. We've already done it on certain plays, she could always help out if we need to be very offensive-minded.

Jules: Doubling as a winger then.

Abily: Yeah. When we're really high up, I think she can bring something as well.

Jules: You were talking about the offensive aspect with Alice Sombath. She scored this weekend, didn't she Michael?

Michael: She did score. She celebrated her 20th birthday on October 16th. She scored her first goal in the D1 Arkema, it was her 30th appearance, which is something, and she scored her first goal. Well you were talking about her being less of an offensive aspect than Ellie [Carpenter], but she is still capable of scoring.

Abily: [laughs] Yes, of course. That being said her vision for the goal was exceptional. She saw the goalkeeper completely anticipated the cross so she decided to take a shot. It was a good play. But it's true that she has less power, she's less capable of doing overlapping runs. But as I said, she has other qualities and she is a player we're working with a lot because she can improve so much more.

Jules: Alice Sombath is also a huge Disney movies fan. I'm not going to tell you why I know that but you'll find out very soon. We were talking about the competition within the team, there's competition in one position, one area, and that's the attack. Michael, I said that when Eugenie [Le Sommer] came on the show that it might be the best offensive line I've seen at Lyon. I'm going to ask you the same question, Camille. I'll give you a second to think back on all of Lyon's offensive lines.

Abily: That's what I was trying to do. I have to think about it.

Jules: There's a lot to think about. Here's the list for this year. Seven players for three spots, Michael.

Michael: Yes, seven players for three spots if we're playing in a 4-3-3. There is Eugenie Le Sommer, Ada Hegerberg, Kadidiatou Diani, Melchie Dumornay, Delphine Cascarino, Vicki Becho and Liana Joseph. Since the start of the season it's been Diani, Dumornay and Le Sommer who have started more, but when you look at the bench and you see Hegerberg, Cascarino when she returns from injury, Vicki Becho, and Liana Joseph who is coming up as well. Those are good problems to have, I imagine.

Abily: No, yeah, it's true that it's truly an exceptional attack. Now Delphine [Cascarino] is unfortunately still injured and isn't available, but when we add Delphine to that offensive line, choices will have to be made. It's true that Ada was a little bit injured so the three who have played - who have performed well especially, because we got a Eugenie Le Sommer who is on an incredible run and is more than performing well. And as I said, we had two top recruits, be it Melchie [Dumornay] and Diani, so yeah, it's a really, really good offensive line.

Jules: And when I ask you the controversial question - well it's not really controversial - is this not one of the best offensive lines in the history of Olympique lyonnais Feminin? You who have played for a bit longer than I have.

Abily: [scoffs disapprovingly at being called old] In terms of the numbers and the team, yes. That being said, I think there was a period with Lotta Schelin, Lara Dickenmann, Elodie Thomis as well. That was really top level as well.

Jules: Was there as many [top attacking players] though?

Abily: There weren't as many. There weren't as many, and that's why I said that in terms of the team, then yes [it's the best].

Jules: Was there as much flexibility as well? Because here we have players who can play a little bit anyway.

Abily: Yes, because Melchie [Dumornay] can play in the midfield as well, she does it a lot with the Haiti National Team. She was originally a midfielder at the academy. Eugenie has also played as a 9 1/2, she can do that as a player. So yeah. With that much adaptability, we really have an incredible offense.

Jules: When you look at those seven, we could have also added Amel Majri if we wanted to be selfish. You've been in a 4-3-3 since the start with two true wingers, is that the best formation for that list?

Abily: It depends. No. Because if we're talking about Ada [Hegerberg], when she gets all of her fitness back, because we're being careful with Ada, we're slowly bringing her back. So we know that if Eugenie keeps this up, then we have two central attackers, they're both world class. So we'll see. As I said, we're not dismissing any possibility. The most important thing is that they perform well and that they are in the best positions.

Michael: In any case, I wouldn't like to be in their place. When you look at the list, to only have to choose three names.

Abily: What about ours? Do you think it's easy?

Michael: Exactly. I wouldn't want to be in your place.

Abily: Sorry, I thought you meant you wouldn't want to be in the player's position.

Michael: Choosing between those seven players, well, choosing three out of those seven, it's complicated. Well here you just said that Ada is lacking match fitness and coming back from injury, but putting Ada Hegerberg on the bench, putting players like that on the bench, I can't imagine that it's easy. Tough choices but only one a rich team can have to make.

Abily: It's not easy. We know at Lyon, and they know this really well as well, it's competitive, this is a quality club, we have objectives. We said it before, the calendar is going to have a lot of games and a lot of important games. So we will need everything. Now of course there will be moments - I was a player, I know what's like, you're frustrated because you didn't play a game - but when you have the chance to play, you need to perform well, and that will allow you to play more. But we have a lot of players for sure.

Jules: We said there are seven players in that position but really there are six for the moment because of Delphine Cascarino. You said she's rehabbing. How is she doing? We last saw her last season against Paris Saint-Germain, she missed the World Cup. So there was the injury and then having to miss the World Cup. Did she have a setback, is it going well, where is she at with her rehab?

Abily: No, it's going well. I think mentally she is very, very strong. It's true that she's very positive, she can feel the progress being made. I sometimes ask her "are you okay? it isn't taking too long?" And she tells me "no, it's okay, it's going pretty quickly." So that's cool because sometimes there is that longing for the pitch. And we count on Delphine enormously, she's a player who - and I keep saying this - is a world class player. We have a lot of world class players, both in our offense but also in our midfield and defense. There are choices to be made there as well.

Jules: Lindsey Horan, Damaris, Sara Dabritz. It's pretty good.

Abily: There are a lot. There's a lot of great players and we're eager for her [Cascarino's] return. It's going well.

Jules: Another special case, it's that of Vicki Becho. We were talking earlier about players who went out on loan, she was on loan at Reims, that went well. She came back, but now she has a different status. She's no longer the "young" Vicki Becho. Now she's Vicki Becho, international player. Vicki Becho, who took part in the World Cup. We don't manage her the same way.

Abily: Who performed well at the World Cup. That's what changed. It's true that Vicki participated in the World Cup but she also played and performed well. After, Vicki, we talked about it with her so we can talk about it here. She's a player who each time she comes on is very important and very decisive, and is good when she comes on as a substitute. She still needs a bit of time to be consistent throughout a game. The games where she has started, I've been less satisfied with her performance. But -

Jules: She's often used as a sub.

Abily: She often comes on as a sub, yes. Because each time she comes on she performs well. But it's true that she's a really good player with a lot of qualities, and is capable - it's important that now she processes the World Cup, and keeps improving.

Michael: Were you surprised by her performance at the World Cup?

Abily: Surprised? Yes and no, because I see her daily. And remember last season when we played in the 4-4-2 diamond, she was often in front with the two forwards. And she was really good there.

Jules: It worked really well.

Abily: It worked really well even if she had the tendency to drift out wide on the right. But it worked really well. Not surprised, because she had a really good season last year. Where I was pleasantly surprised was that Herve Renard, the first substitutions he made was always her. He had other players on the bench, Clara Mateo, Amel Majri, which meant that she was performing really well with the French National Team. That's where her status changed for me, because she went from "I'm playing from time to time" to "I'm always coming on [with the National Team]". That's where it happened.

Jules: We're not making things up, the numbers speak for themselves. She was the 12th player used by Herve Renard, 12th player used by Sonia Bompastor as well. We're going to move on to some more individual cases. We looked at the attacking line, with one player whom you had already brought up -

Abily: We have a good communications department, they told me which subjects we would be discussing on the show.

Jules: It was a compliment.

Abily: I was just happy it wasn't a dig for once.

Michael: One player who has been performing really well, who performed really well during the World Cup as well, that's Eugenie Le Sommer. We'll see it with the highlights since the beginning of the season, Eugenie Le Sommer, it's five games played, five league goals and one assist. She turned back time.

Abily: Yeah. She's exceptional really. I'm happy for her first of all, because there were some difficult moments for her last year. We talked about it, she wasn't getting as much playing time, it was a little bit more difficult. But it really shows her mental strength and all her qualities. We all know Eugenie and how good she is, she got her confidence back. The World Cup did her an enormous amount of good. She came back in the same form she was in at the World Cup, she's scoring some great goals, that's important as well.

Michael: I imagine that her return to the French National Team gave her a boost, which explains why today she is back to her best.

Jules: We really see a before and after.

Abily: I would say she rekindled her passion. It's really that. She always believed, but it was difficult. Of course she loves the club, but she had objectives with the French National Team. When it ended the way it did, that was difficult. But now it's as if she rekindled something inside of her, and it's top because she's performing so well with us.

Jules: Because statistically, it's going so well. We can see she is building off her performance at the World Cup. But even on her face, in her body language, we can see she is a player with the weight off her shoulders. When you are talking about having turned back time, it's a little bit that as well, I feel like. The light is back in her eyes. The passion is back for Eugenie Le Sommer. And that works out fine for us since she can't stop scoring.

Abily: Exactly.

Michael: We saw her goal against Reims. I just want to point out that against Reims, that was her 300th game in D1 Arkema. She had done 35 with Stade Briochin, she has played in 265 games with Olympique Lyonnais. And another status, 222 goals in D1 Arkema.

Abily: It's not bad.

Michael: It's Eugenie Le Sommer.

Abily: She's an attacker. We can see it, she's capable of scoring with her right foot, with her left foot, headers even though she's not very tall. She has a really good aerial game, very good timing. Very complete player. And full of confidence. So really firing at the moment.

Jules: 300th game in D1 Arkema, and soon the objective of 300 goals. It seems crazy that's achievable. 300 goals. Now we know now that it's a possibility, but when you say you could score 300 goals with Olympique Lyonnais, that's Messi, that's Maradona, that's Ronaldo. It's -

Abily: It's enormous. But she has the quality to do it.

Jules: But does that mean that the main competition for Eugenie Le Sommer is Ada Hegerberg?

Abily: If we stay in that formation, yes.

Jules: If we stay in that formation. But in any case the two central attackers who are No. 1 and I guess 1(b), I don't know how to classify it, it's either Eugenie Le Sommer or Ada Hegerberg. Indeed I really wouldn't want to be in your shoes. We know all about choices at OLPlay, it's between Ivan, Michael, and myself. I feel the producer might not be under the same amount as pressure as Camille. We're going to drop down to the midfield now. You said there is also stiff competition there. We're going to talk about the American player who is performing well and is even scoring as well. It's getting a bit complicated, she has everything going for her, Lindsey Horan.

Michael: Yeah, she has everything going for her since she arrived. It's clear that she has established herself in Lyon's midfield. And since the start of the league, it's four games played and four goals. She is getting 100 percent marks as well. And she's simply shining in the midfield.

Abily: Yeah, she makes - when she's performing well, she makes the team better. She's really the driving force behind the team and is capable of making the team play better. When we play badly it's often because Lindsey isn't playing well. Ever since she arrived - I said it the day she arrived, she immediately made the team better. She makes the players around her better. So we're really happy to have her and that she maintains that level.

Jules: There's also a certain stability in the midfield. We know that Lindsey is often a starter, along with Damaris and Danielle van de Donk. They're basically the core, just like the three in front of them. Last week we were talking with Timothee Piron, who comments the women's games, and he used the term "driving force". He also used it to describe Damaris who was really good in the derby [against ASSE]. It's a bit like three similar profiles but complimentary profiles as well. I don't know if you get what I'm saying.

Abily: Ummm -

Jules: Say yes, that will make me happy.

Abily: I see what you mean about complimentary but I don't see the similar in profile, not really.

Jules: Okay maybe less Damaris, that's a bit more difficult, but more for -

Abily: They have different qualities. They have different qualities. It's true that Damaris is really a DM whose role in the team is really important, because she's the first to launch something but also has to stop a lot of the attacks from the opponents since we have a really high block. She is often really well positioned. After, for Lindsey and Danielle -

Jules: I was talking more about Lindsey and Danielle, Sara [Dabritz]. More those profiles.

Abily: Yeah. Lindsey, Sara, Maro[zsan], Danielle. Those are players who have more of a similar profile with different qualities. And there are a lot of choices that have to be made because there's so much talent. There's two German internationals, Lindsey is an American international, and Danielle is an international Dutch player. So lots and lots of quality. But we know at Lyon there has to be competition. Since the start of the season it's been more Lindsey and Danielle who have had more of the playing time. We'll see later on. We aren't closing the door on anybody. If someone is performing well then it pushes the level of the team up even more.

Michael: Circling back to Lindsey, you were talking about her level on the field. But in the locker room I feel she is also someone who really has a leadership role. And since her arrival she has really integrated well with the group, and brings an enormous amount of experience.

Abily: Of course, a lot of experience. She has won the World Cup, she performed really well with the national team. So obviously when those players come into the locker room, they have to bring that experience with them. So yeah. And when you are a technical leader on the field, then it's important to be a leader in the locker room as well.

Jules: You were talking about the World Cup being a factor. Lindsey's World Cup didn't go particularly well. How did she feel about it? Did she say "forget about it, we're starting a new season" or is it still in the back of her mind, because it was really seen as a failure over there?

Abily: It was hard. It was especially hard because she is the captain of that team, and it was the first time she was captain in an official competition. So she really considered it as a failure on her part. So it was hard, we talked about it. Now she is lucky because the club season started really quickly after that, the club has a lot of objectives, we talked about the Trophee des Championnes. So you have to know when you're a player and there's a failure, the best way to get over a failure to keep working and move forward. And to have short term objectives as well, with your club that's important, but also with your national team as well. There's still the Olympic Games in 2024. So it's important for her to perform well and immediately switch over.

Jules: And when we're going to drop back even more and talk about the defense. We've talked about the only goal conceded this season. We're going to talk about one central defender who is playing extremely well at the moment and is also scoring goals, that's Vanessa Gilles.

Michael: Yes, Vanessa Gilles, who also since her arrival last year, who came in to cover for Griedge M'Bock's huge injury. Since the start of the season, it's four league games, two goals. She also experienced a failure at the World Cup with her country. Unfortunately - well watching those clips, I get the impression that she's already moved on to other things.

Abily: Yes, as I said, it was difficult, the return was difficult. Luckily they had some vacation time so they could really disconnect, clear their heads and come back mentally fresh. Because that's what's the most difficult. But yeah, it's true that Vanessa, she's also a great recruit we got. It's not easy to find cover while Griedge M'Bock is injured. She did it really, really well. And now it's up to Griedge to get her old level back because Vanessa has established her place [in the starting 11].

Michael: And when you see Wendie Renard and Vanessa Gilles, who are our center backs, and who score so many goals, it's extraordinary.

Abily: Yeah, we're lucky. We have two really top level center backs. Their aerial play is exceptional. And it's true we often thought of Wendie, but Vanessa, we can see she can be decisive as well. And there's a lot to be happy about.

Jules: From what we understand by listening to you, it's that the starting pair is Wendie and Vanessa.

Abily: As things stand right now, yes. But I think Griedge knows that. She's coming back, she had her first 90 minutes. She still needs match fitness. However, Griedge is an exceptional player. When Griedge is at her best level she's amongst the best center backs in the world. But when you've been out for more than year, you need a little bit of time. And as I said, we're going to have a lot of games coming up, so she will be getting playing time. So she will get her rhythm and her level back. And that's what we want, that she gets back to her level as fast as possible.

Michael: I imagine that when you have three players like that for two spots, three players as talented as they are. It's like with your offense, it's nice to have to make those kind of choices.

Abily: Yeah, of course. After, we can - if all three deserve to play, there's a 3-5-2 which exists, there's different systems. And it depends on how they are performing at that moment. After, you also need stability. The players need a system which they're used to playing in, because what's really important is that we're performing well as a team.

Jules: We're going to talk about objectives now. We've done the recap on the almost perfect start of the season. And amongst the objectives there is obviously the Champions League. There was the elimination last year after the quest to regain the title in 2021-2022. And a few days ago the draw came out, we're in probably the easiest group. We're going to go over it with Michael. It would have been complicated to have an easier group than this one.

Michael: Yes, it's true that we were very lucky with the draw with this group composed of Olympique Lyonnais, Slavia Prague, St Polten and SK Brann. Is it a group where we should have wished for another team closer to our level so it would be a bit more challenging and prepare the players a bit better for the quarter finals? How do you feel about it?

Abily: As soon as Paris FC knocked Arsenal and Wolfsburg, that meant that already in Pot 2, we couldn't play Paris, the other only big team left is Real Madrid and then Rosengaard. By getting Slavia Prague, we got the easiest team in Pot 2. After, we haven't yet studied all the teams, Prague we know a little bit, St Polten is improving, and the Norwegian team, Brann, we'll have to see. Now we're not going to complain, we'd rather have this group than a Group of Death especially as I said we're going to be playing a lot of games. It's going to be important to perform well.

Michael: Yes, it's what we were saying with Jules earlier. Last year we struggled to qualify, we had that -

Jules: It's okay, the group from last year has already been knocked out. I don't mean to bring up bad memories. But we qualified, so that's good.

Abily: Yeah, it was hard.

Jules: So you prefer the group we have this year to what we had last year where it came down to the last day?

Abily: It all depends on how you look at it. As a coach, of course I know this group is easier, as a competitor we have a greater chance of qualifying with this one than the one last year. However in terms of attraction for women's football but also for us in terms of marketing, of course Arsenal, Lyon, Juve is more interesting than Brann and St Polten.

Jules: But in terms of preparation. Do you think - do you prepare as well for the quarterfinals when you're with Arsenal and Juventus than when you're with - in all due respect - the other teams?

Abily: No, for sure. I want to wait and see, because I don't want to speak too soon. We have to play them first and after we've played the games then we can talk about whether there really is a difference. Women's football is evolving in every country. But I hope that we will finish first, and the advantage of finishing first is that you play the second. So your quarterfinal could be more accessible, though once again as you saw with Arsenal, we were up against Chelsea in the quarters. So it's more difficult.

Jules: But when you look at the other pots with the other French teams, Michael, those are really the Groups of Death, especially - maybe Paris Saint-Germain's group is worse.

Michael: Yes, Paris Saint-Germain, who is with Bayern Munich, AS Roma and Ajax. That's a really competitive group and it's not going to be a simple task for the Parisian team.

Abily: No. Especially because I think AS Roma is a really interesting team, we saw it in the past, even though I do think PSG will make it out of the group. But it will be more difficult.

Michael: To come back to our group, there's one thing which is interesting, it's that Ada who will see her sister again and will return to Norway. I imagine that's pretty nice for her.

Abily: Yeah, it's funny because when we were talking about it the night before, I said "I hope we won't have to go to Norway when it's cold and snowing." And I think we're going December 21, December 22, I forget which one. December 21 I think. It's right before the break as well, so Hegerberg was like "well at least I don't have to fly home." That's the only positive.

Jules: We'll need to bring proper clothing.

Abily: Exactly.

Michael: There will be a lot of travel involved with this group.

Abily: Indeed, indeed. And after - as I was saying, for sure on paper it's an easy group, but after - we haven't studied all the teams yet, we'll do it during the international break - and it will be interesting to see the level, how it has improved, because we can see it. Paris FC in principle wasn't favorite at all, managed to eliminate both Arsenal and Wolfsburg. So we still need to take this group seriously.

Michael: You brought up Paris FC. When we see three French teams out of the 16 European teams, the country most represented is France. I imagine that's nice to see.

Abily: I'm so happy. Sincerely, I'm super happy because everyone is talking about the English league, blah blah, Spanish league. It's all we hear about, even when it comes to recruiting players. "Ah but blah blah." But in the mean time, the only country with three teams in it is us. Of course there is a ton of progress to be made in the league, but we can see there is quality in France. And what Paris FC did, as I said, it's exceptional.

Jules: I said that there could be three French teams in the quarterfinals. Do you think so as well? Paris FC's group is Chelsea, Real Madrid and Hacken. They're in Pot 4, Paris FC.

Abily: Yes, it's normal that they're in a group that difficult. But - well, Chelsea could be difficult, even if they did beat Arsenal and Wolfsburg. But however against Real Madrid and Hacken, I think that's doable.

Michael: It's true that when you look at the group, you could say it's complicated for Paris FC. But after having eliminated Wolfsburg, last year's finalist, and Arsenal, semi-finalist, you could really say anything is possible. And we could potentially have three French teams in the quarterfinals.

Abily: After, the hardest thing is for that kind of team, they're not used to having to play every three days. Whether their team - and that's something we will find out - whether they will have a roster capable of playing every three days, I don't know.

Jules: You're playing Paris FC right before the first day of the UWCL, so there wouldn't be that impact yet. And if Lyon goes all the way, which we hope they do, then we can thank Paris FC for taken care of the nuisance.

Abily: We can thank them enormously. As I said, they - when we saw the draw and the pots, knowing that we can't play a French team, the biggest team left was PSG. So they eliminated two favorites in the competition. It's exceptional what they did.

Jules: So really quickly. The objective is the D1 Arkema with these playoffs, the UWCL, and the Coupe de France. That will come a little bit later. This is a bit of a traditional question, but is the objective to win all four titles? There's already one down, only three left.

Abily: Of course. We know that when you're at Olympique Lyonnais Feminin, be it as a player or part of the staff, we know the objectives are to win everything. That's it. Last year it was difficult in the Champions League because the manner in which we were eliminated was difficult, but we have to take our revenge this year.

Jules: We hope to get our revenge this year. In any case, thank you, Camille, for having come on the show. Thank you, Michael. We'll see you tomorrow.

Abily: Always a pleasure.

[threshasketch]

Wow, so apparently today is the 8th anniversary of me starting this art blog. I started Threshasketch in the September of 2015, and my main blog the year before in June.

In that time, I've gone through drawing OCs, fanart for numerous fandoms, traditional style line work and pencil sketches, digital line work and coloring, painting photo-real style, and so, so many chibi art pieces. Art has been my rock through some really hard times in my life. Posting cute chibis to brighten somebody else's day helped brighten mine.

Since 2015, my country has gone through three different presidencies, the world has gone through (and is still quietly going through) a global pandemic, and I've gone through years of struggling. Most of that struggling has been in the past 5 years, but boy does 5 years sound like a lot of time to be struggling for basic living things like heat and food.

Things were really bad just a few years ago. At one point I only had electricity four hours per day, because I couldn't afford gas for the generator. I uploaded digital art because "scanning" (taking pics of on my phone) traditional line art was hard when the place I was living was so dark. Patreon and art commissions were the only reason I had money for food on many occasions.

I've had to move three different times in the past four years. I got rid of or lost a lot of my belongings to live in a small space. Had to deal with rats in my living space twice in as many years. Had to take my 23-year-old cat to the vet to pass peacefully AND help my parents take their little dog with heart failure to the vet to pass peacefully in the same year.

Did I mention I had major abdominal surgery this summer with months of recovery time? Yeah. That actually went really smoothly. I didn't realize how bad my health was getting for the past few years because it was a gradual problem, but I was exhausted all the time, unable to do much physical activity, and super anemic. Just passed the two month mark since surgery, and am feeling so much better it's shocking remembering how bad off I was before. Cripes, I should have done this years ago.

So why, if art has been a coping method for me, has this blog had barely any updates for years? Well, I overextended myself on art commissions, which made my art escapism into a pressure thing. It's nobody's fault but my own, but several of those commissions did not get finished, and that made art into a guilty thing, so I sort of...shut myself down on Tumblr, because drawing for fun seemed wrong when somebody was waiting on me to finish their art piece. So I stopped drawing at all for a long while. That helped nobody—it just made it so that I wasn't warmed up enough to draw the commissions, either.

I'm just now getting to where I'm financially able to reach out to the people who paid me for commissions and refund them. I've refunded several already. If you are one of my art commission customers, you'll be hearing from me, I promise. I haven't forgotten you, I have every commission I ever took in a list saved on my computer.

Speaking of financially able, I'm no longer supporting myself with art and Patreon alone. For most of The Pandemic Years I've been pouring all of my creative energy into becoming a full-time indie erotica author. I write my own stories, I paint my own covers, I do everything myself. It's the most fun job I've ever had, honestly, and it's paying my bills. ♥

I've managed to build it up into a monthly income somehow, and this winter is looking a lot less terrible than last winter. In general, my living situation is now stable, the roof doesn't leak, the lights all work, hell I even have a functioning shower and the ability to have running hot water.

Anyway, yeah. It's been a rough go of it, and this art blog has been around through it all. I got a new art tablet for my birthday, and drawing feels like being carefree again. Here's to many more years of art. ♥

[cam-see-yuh-nna]

It's so interesting how so much of my life is about losing and finding myself again. And to be honest, I don't even want to say losing, but I think it's more of having like a foggy mind, and then clearing the skies. I felt really out of touch with music her honestly the past like 2 to 3 months, and I started the artist way again because I did it in October of last year and I didn't even lost more than the first three or four days. But I started up again. I'm on day two or three because I got about the daily tasks outside of the morning pages. But I don't know. I feel like a lot of stuff is coming together again and I'm really excited for it. I think sometimes I also have the challenge my mind to realize that I am growing and not stay so focused on oh I haven't done this or I haven't done that. That's all I wanted to say happy self improvement/productivity to everyone. And yeah, remember to give yourself grace byeeeee

[gaminganxious]

Buried Stars - Review

Genre: Visual Novel

Release Date: July 30th 2020

Playtime: 6hrs

Completed: No

Would Play Again?: Yes, I at least want to finish a full playthrough and see how it ends

I swear I let RNG pick this month's games. Why it decided it was sad dark games February is beyond me, but I have to give another heads up here before we git into this one. WARNING: This game deals with themes of death and anxiety. Along with most of the BS that comes from literally any form of social media.

Buried Stars is about a group of contestant singers that become trapped on the set of a game show after disaster occurs. You play as one of five contestants, Do-yoon Han. You'll try your best not to do it and stay sane while hopefully doing the same for the people trapped with you. If being trapped under rubble was enough drama for you, don't worry. Everyone you're trapped with comes with a boatload of their own secrets and agendas to uncover along the way.

I haven't played any before but the art is really good in my opinion. The characters are all well-defined and easily distinguishable from each other, and I don't get bored looking at them for minutes at a time, which is good because thats what you'll be doing most of the time.

The menu interface is dynamic and fits the theme well. I do sort of wish the character models had more than three or four expressions when you interact with them. I think that's something that might be fairly common for this type of game, but still. The music is non obtrusive, but it's also nothing to write home about, which I thought was surprising considering the premise of the story involves singers. It’ll be interesting to see if anyone actually sings in it. They haven't done so in my playthrough so far.

This game combines like three of my worst fears. Being buried alive, talking to people I don't know very well, and social media. I honestly kind of bulked at it when I first started playing and realized I would have to get people to like me. That's something I almost always need a guide for. That and I made the mistake of talking to Hyesung first, and he's a little asshole in the beginning. I toughed it out, though, and I'm glad I did. There's a Quick Save Feature that helps you manage conversations if you feel you're about to touch on an unsavory topic with someone. Or if you want to avoid losing sanity. I mean that literally, by the way. You have a sanity meter, something I completely ignored until it was almost gone. Some topics raise it, others; like investigating that body yall just found in the rubble, lower it. There's also Phater, the games version of Twitter to keep track of, and you will want to keep track of it as it will give you most of your talking points. Sadly, it is just as toxic as it's real life counterpart, so be prepared for that, or it will drop your sanity too. At least it only updates every chapter or so. Controls are super easy and well labeled throughout. There is also a very nice fast-forward option if you had to do a reload and don't want to flip through all the dialog again. 

The story so far is quite good and getting better as I go. I'm excited to see how it'll end, though I'm not sure how close to that I am yet. More than just the main story, though, each individual character has an intriguing backstory to uncover. They even convinced me to to totally hate the crappiest character by far. At least i know why he's a jerk now. I'm sure there are multiple endings based on who trusts you and your sanity level as well. It's a lot of information at first, but since you go over a lot of the info multiple times throughout the story, it's not too difficult to keep track of. It can be easy to get lost on the details if you're not paying attention, though.

Currently, Buried Stars is listed for $44.99 on the Playstation store. I would hold off on that, though. I bought mine a while ago, but I'm pretty sure I got it on sale. It also looks like it goes on sale pretty regularly. If you do find it on sale, I think it's worth grabbing, especially if you like visual novels. You can save almost whenever you want, so it's a good one to play for a bit here and there or shotgun over a few days if you prefer. 

[oriun]

I'm stating the obvious, but living with a chronic condition in a society that doesn't accommodate for chronic conditions sucks. Need to rant.

I'm good at my job, I often doubt myself but objectively I know I am good based on the feedback I get. My managers don't doubt that I'm good at the job. When I have a few random days off sick over a couple months due to chronic migraines, the human side of my managers says "I get that you're unwell and you can't control these things," but their HR-compliant side follows with "but is there anything we could do to keep them from happening so that you don't miss work as often."

And my occupational health assessment can say both me and management are doing everything we possibly could to prevent them, but higher up they will still ask "is there anything else, though?"

I've had eight migraine-related days off sick in the past three months. It's more than usual, yes, but I have also had two family deaths in three months and a slight delay in my last round of botox because I was abroad dealing with the aftermath of one of said deaths (and I also feel like I have to justify my grief because "they were old so it's expected" but also they were like my parents, I'm 29 and I've lost the equivalent of my parents, I've lost most of what connected me to where I come from, it's a lot more to process than just "old person dies of being old"). So it's not entirely unreasonable that I would be getting more migraines than usual, is it.

And it's not entirely unreasonable to assume that this will probably stabilise itself and that as I get better mentally I will have more capacity to get through a work day with a migraine kept at bay with medication as I've often done in the past, because right now my threshold is a bit lower than usual because, again, I've lost the two most important people in my family.

It's frustrating that the migraines are unpredictable (I was fine yesterday, then I wasn't this morning), that "get signed off sick for a couple weeks to rest and reset" isn't a thing that works for this (I was already off sick to rest and reset, I feel mentally fine, my mood is fine, my energy levels are fine). It's frustrating that "reduce your hours so that you can do just four days" wouldn't work because I might just get a migraine on that day off (not that I could afford to reduce my hours anyway).

And it's frustrating to know that my managers as human beings understand my struggles as a person with a medical condition, but that my managers as employers have to see me, to a significant extent, just in terms of how productive can I be and how much impact I have on the team when someone needs to cover me.

I also understand it's unfair on my colleagues to have to cover me unexpectedly on short notice. But I can't help it! If there was something I could do to have less migraine days, I would! I'm doing all I can in terms of lifestyle, workplace adjustments, getting treatment from a neurologist. Even the occupational health doctor said they couldn't think of anything else that would help me unless I came up with something myself. Which I haven't been able to come up with and it's not like I don't think about it.

It's just frustrating. And despite all this, I'm actually really lucky that I have responded relatively well to the botox treatment and that I am able to keep a full time job.

[guzsdaily]

I need to get things done

Day 15 - Nov 20th, 12.023

It is no surprise that I'm trying to be more productive in the past weeks or months, but I've to admit that I haven't made so much progress in the last couple of days. Doing this daily journal is being pretty much the biggest thing that I'm making daily, even more in these past three to four days which my productivity decreased a lot. This can be another burst of motivation because I watched a video, but sometimes I need them to think more and organize more my life and what I'm doing daily. I have a lot of projects to do and things to work on if I want to feel proud of what I do and if I want to get a job to do even more things I like, so I need to get things done.

Always Sunday

This is something which my therapist said some sessions ago, but if you read yesterday's post, I think it's impacts even more. But every day is feeling like Mondays, where I don't do very much and feel lost on what to do, and end up completing a not important/not listed task just to be able to say to myself that I've done something. This feeling is aggravating even more now that the year is ending and my girlfriend and family are having days off school or work, because now I can't easily tell if it is a workday or not and want to pass the time with them.

Just today I have done mostly nothing at the moment, just created a template in my note-taking app to create these entries more easily and that's it. The rest of the evening, I watched videos and/or chatted with my girlfriend because she is at home today - and just to be clear, she isn't actively trying to distract or chat with me while I'm in my work hours, I'm the one who is going to her to talk and distracting myself and not working. Thankfully she is very understanding that I need to work, and thankfully I still am able to have a time to be with her at the end of the day/start of the night every day. Love you honey. - And this happened a lot these past days, I had a week of studying the C programming language, and that was it.

And I can't continue with this, and I need to organize and start to have a better routine.

One task at a time

Being honest, a big chunk of the reason that I'm still unproductive is because of two things: not having a stabilized routine, and not having things to do daily. I already talked about both of them, but something that I've not realized that much is how both are dependent on one another, because not having tasks kills the reason of having a routine, but not having a routine halts the completion of tasks. And I was focusing and worrying too much on the routine side of things, trying to create triggers to it, but forgetting to scroll a little more in my daily notes to see my daily tasks, which ended up making me start the day somewhat productive, waking up, taking a shower, writing this entry, and then doing nothing for the rest of the day.

I have things to do, I have the projects for this and next month ready, but I didn't list the steps and tasks to do each day. And you probably already know how a project or objective can be overwhelming when you don't split it in small steps, things such as learning C, taking an algorithm course, making a resume and LinkedIn account, all of them feel a lot harder than they should. You can also imagine how it is when I open my projects folder and see this:

This is all the projects ideas that I have accumulated just this year, and there are still some more on my phone and/or others which aren't related to programming/tech.

The cult of done

And this entire entry was made because I didn't have any ideas of subjects and remembered a YouTube video by Tris (of No Boilerplate):

I really recommend giving this video a time to watch, No Boilerplate really gives credits to its name and very often I never feel like I'm wasting time with the videos, they're straight to the point and I love it. And it would be unnecessary to repeat about what is "The Cult of Done" here when this video exists.

I really want to make this idea of getting things done in my life. Independent if I didn't complete a course totally, didn't learn every single thing in a programming language, and even if a software still has more features to be implemented, I need to complete my tasks and get things "done" for the day, week, month, etc. And even if I didn't complete it, I can continue it later, the focus is to get what you need to do now "done".

Hopefully I will have better news in the coming days about this, because like always, I don't know exactly how to get things done, but I have some ideas to try.

---

Today's artists & creative things

Video Creator: No Boilerplate - It's probably a good idea to already recommend it here. I started watching No Boilerplate in the start of the channel with the Rust Language videos, which are great and really made me want to learn the language in a near future, but here I'm recommending because of the productivity-related videos. Something great about the channel is that it doesn't have a lot of things going one, no cinematic/vlog shots, or engagement-focused editing or things like that, it is straight to the point, with just a slide-show made with Markdown, and a narration which is simply perfect (really, his voice and script writing are perfect). Most of the videos aren't that long either, having in general around 10 minutes like your average YouTube video, so it won't consume a lot of time, and you can watch in a work-break. Just remember to not distract yourself and let YouTube's autoplay or algorithm consume the rest of your day and soul.

Copyright (c) 2023-present Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello <contact.guz013@gmail.com>

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License

[frankmillerturnonyourlocation]

the first 4 from the villain songs game? (kittyandco)

Hiii <3 it has been at LEAST a year and a half since you sent this, I think??? I have gotten a degree and four jobs in that time. I have absolutely no excuse. But I am here now, and thinkin about Dr. Horrible, so the stars have aligned once more. Perfect timing, seventeen months later thank you Kitty <3

mr. cladwell — does your f/o have good publicity? if your relationship is public, how does being connected to them influence your reputation?

Ooh okay so Dr. Horrible ends the movie having gained fleeting, flash-in-the-pan notoriety. The way I read it, he's the scariest, flashiest villain in the public's eye– face in the papers, pullin heists like it's no problem, his name in the mouth of anybody in the hero or villain scene– for like, three months tops before the emotional roller coaster of I achieved my pipe dream career goal by killing the girl I liked and absolutely no one is any better for it grinds him down to a pulp. He crashes, and he crashes bad. Withdraws from the public eye, holes up in his apartment, almost jeopardizes his shiny new position in the Evil League of Evil by not Doin Shit.

We don't need to get too far into it but he swings himself back up by the time Em enters the picture so SUFFICE TO SAY he's known! He's a bit of a cult classic, even. A very small following, divided between those who jumped on the bandwagon after The Incident and those who have totally been around since the beginning, fake fans never even read his blog, you know he read my email on camera once, you know how it goes.

When they start getting into trouble together, Em tries very hard to keep a low profile, and succeeds for a little while? Hat on, mask up, trying to go super incognito for as long as they can to try and preserve their civ life. As stuff Ramps Up, they kind of lose a grip on their already flimsy outside-of-work friend group, so there's not much for them to lose that they haven't already lost in the way of reputation. Like Billy, they rely a lot on body language to get them through normal social things, like chatting with a cashier, without being recognized. There may be salacious rumors about how Dr. Horrible seems a little too attached to that one henchman with the glasses the rag mags keep getting grainy photos of, but that's not Em's problem until the ELE tells them that it's a problem. Even when they begin their relationship and are like, weirdly similar matches for Dr. Horrible and his hench, the weirdest comment they get is like, "I have a great idea for a couple's costume for you two."

Em likes to think being around Doc protects them, and in some ways, they're right.

don’t be the bunny — does your f/o struggle explaining their philosophies to you? how do you react to their worldview?

THE BIGGEST STRUGGLE IS THAT EM TREATS HIM LIKE AN EDGELORD

and he gets so MAD when he knows he isn't being taken seriously. The silliest fights on the subject are when Em makes little quips about praxis and needles him about the political implications of such-and-such a plot, and the worst fights are when they throw in his face how little of what they do materially benefits anyone, that there's no grand master plan behind what they're doing, throwing pennies onto a train track to try and make it skip. Billy screwed himself over young when he decided that no good at all can be done inside of a broken system, and that the whole thing had to be taken out at the ankles before any real *fixing* could be done. He doesn't know what that "fixing" would even look like– he barely knows what needs to be fixed.

(I'm making Bill sound like an accelerationist. I wouldn't go so far as to call Dr. Horrible an accelerationist because that would denote too much of a solid stance. Billy doesn't know what he's doing, he just needs to feel like he's doing something. If he had the whole goddamn world in his hands, he wouldn't know what to do with it.)

(Em's too tired and just cynical enough to hear what Billy's saying and not feel totally at odds with his position. And hey, it's usually assholes getting what's coming– a job is a job, and as far as jobs go, they could do worse. Em does not feel they are in a position to afford a stance.)

(And then they actually Get Along and start Looking Out For Each Other and Doing Crime just becomes part of their daily routine, it's what they Do, an inextricable part of their relationship that neither is quite willing to define yet)

(And then Penny comes back from the dead and shakes everything tf up and they have story arcs worth of conflict and then they all get married yayyy)

wide smile, high style — does your f/o have fun being evil?

Oh, he does, god he does. It makes him feel like a crusader, like the lone bastion of reason in a mess of hopeless incompetence, like the fucking Pygmalion who's gonna shape the whole world into something worth loving.

And he's never grown out of needing that juvenile high of spitting at the assholes in charge before grasping for control. You're good, but good hurt me– I can never be good, so let me show you how awful I can be. It's an act of self-affirmation. He and Em see eye-to-eye very easily in that regard.

there’s me — how frequently does your f/o let themself be soft around you? what do they do when you need support?

aaaaaaaaaaaaah okay Doc changes SO much when he shifts personas, the lab coat gives him an extra layer of confidence that he wears like armor. So both needing and giving support look totally different on him depending on context.

When he's out of uniform, Billy is quieter, milder, a little less comfortable in his skin. He keeps to himself– he gets very caught up in his own head when out and about in civilian clothes, and he's either overthinking what he's saying and how he's acting to the point of tripping over himself, or he doesn't care enough about who he's talking to to be careful and he says something out of left field and makes the other guy super uncomfortable. He can be caustic when he's irritated or inconvenienced, but he's usually the kind of guy your eyes pass over in a crowd. It takes him a while to get comfortable showing affection in public– he doesn't have much in the way of a civ social life (he and Moist hang out at the apartment when they get together, and anybody else is a work friend), so just being in public with someone else feels very obtrusive, let alone, like, holding hands. Like, people are gonna see how badly he wants to. And they're gonna think he's a freak. He hasn't figured out a way to be normal about it yet. But he's getting there.

Dr. Horrible is a bit of a toss-up. Em's usually the one jumping into the fray and causing a distraction to keep him from getting the shit kicked out of him, so when the roles are reversed, the situation tends to get a little drastic. Early on in their partnership, it wouldn't be uncommon for him to forget that he had a henchperson out on the field in the heat of the moment, sure, but as they grow closer, Doc isn't afraid to get a bit dramatic with his support. It's enough to make any henchperson blush.

Being in private with him is its own category. Nursing wounds, long conversations, playing with hair. Dicking around in the lab til the wee hours of the morning, slow dancing in the kitchen to the music in our heads. I get to meet a little bit of the kid he was before somebody picked him to pieces, and he gets to meet a little bit of mine.

[hawkstincan]

I haven't been here a lot lately — and won’t be for some time — because the last couple of years were… Hard.

You know what’s bad about having close aged pets? They are getting old. And they die. And you have very little time to cope.

Tiger died in the middle of September. He lived with me longer than my parents. I’ve never had favorites. I love all my cats. But Tiger was special. He loved hugs. He slept on my pillow, on my neck, on my head, under the duvet. He was the cuddliest cat ever. Tactile, kind, he loved people and people loved him.

His passing was devastating, cause we at first went to a not so good vet. They misdiagnosed him. They insisted on prolonging treatment which wasn’t working. I felt like I was torturing him. He was in pain and I was giving him pills from which he was only more uncomfortable. So I found another clinic where we got an accurate diagnoses. It was bad. I heard the confirmation: Tiger was suffering for nothing. There was nothing that could be done at this point. Euthanasia was a humane choice.

I thought I had some time to grieve before the next loss. But nope. Couple days later I noticed a lump on Locha’s jaw. And just like that all hopes are gone. Locha is 18,5 too. They were born in February 2004. Locha is the last one still alive. Last piece of my childhood family. I don’t know how to live without them. It just feels so damn wrong. Locha is a special snowflake. He was skittish for the most of his life. Like yeah, human, you can try to pet me, but don’t you think I would sit on your lap. No-ope. You must prove yourself worthy of the honor of petting. When he climbed on my lap for the first time I was so shocked and happy that I cried. Just a little, but cried anyway. And it wasn’t so long ago. Three or four years.

So after finding a lump we went to the vet. They sent us to an oncologist. I was afraid that we may end up with money hunting again. I feared an oncologist would insist on an operation and biopsy (which is pricey and pointless in our situation). Thanks fuck that wasn’t the case! Oncologist was quite understanding. She pointed out that at his age removal of the lower jaw wasn’t reasonable. (It’s rather questionable at a younger age too imo. You can’t make your cat understand WHY they lost such an important part of their body.) And hence no removal you don’t really need to put him through biopsy. We decided to go with supportive therapy. He’s eating on his own, he’s drinking. He wants his petting sessions. He is still his grumpy old self. Thinner than he was, but not that bad yet.

Only this damn tumor is growing too freaking quickly. He can’t eat solid food now. Only muss. And it’s getting much more complicated with pills. If the pill brushes the inner part of the tumor it starts to bleed. And yep. I have photos and it looks rather creepy if you ask me.

I have no idea how long he’ll survive like this. It’s not something anyone can predict or guarantee. I just know that he has less than a year. Maybe even less than a month. And there is nothing more I can do. Only to let him go when the time comes.

So… I’m a mess. I am tired. I lost two of my cats in 2019, I lost my dog in 2020, Tiger and Tiny got ill in 2021, I lost Tiger in September. And I’ll soon lose Locha. Next year, if we are lucky but soon nevertheless. It’s inevitable. And I’m just falling to pieces. This is too much.

(Cherry on the top — i got into fight with both mom and dad and they told me that I'm no longer a daughter to them. And told to go fuck myself, so yeah. Healthy family.)

I’ll return when I’ll feel more like a human than a pile of shit.

Locha being cute, instead of grumpy

[helloalycia]

my patient’s neighbour [five] // wanda maximoff

summary: Wanda decides to ruin your chance at moving on, which doesn't go down well with you.

warning/s: none

author's note: jealous!wanda is one of my favourite wanda’s 👀 also your comments/feedback always make my day so thank you so much! ♥️

part one | part two | part three | part four | part six | part seven | masterlist | wattpad

Meeting Anna's granddaughter wasn't something I'd ever imagined, since Anna rarely mentioned her unless it was to recall a memory that eventually made her quiet for the rest of the day or to make a snide remark out of annoyance. So, to have her here in front of us was definitely... new.

"What are you doing here?" Anna asked with disbelief.

Sasha blinked awkwardly. "I, er, got a call from the nurse. She said you'd hurt your back, so I thought I'd check in." Her gaze fell to Wanda and I. "I see you've got company."

"Sorry, we'll give you a moment," Wanda blurted, before looking to Anna reassuringly.

I did the same before eyeing Sasha suspiciously then following after Wanda into the hall. When the door closed behind us, I wondered what exactly would happen in there. To say I was overprotective of Anna was an understatement.

Taking a seat on the chairs outside her room, I became acutely aware of how stupid I looked in my trainers, Mickey Mouse pyjamas and raincoat. Especially when Wanda sat beside me, knee brushing mine.

"Do you want a drink or anything?" she asked suddenly, earning my attention.

I shook my head, crossing my arms and leaning back into my seat. "No, thank you, I'm good."

She hummed in acknowledgement but said nothing else. The awkwardness that lingered between us was overpowering, but nowhere near as overpowering as the scent of Wanda's shampoo that was drifting up my nose from how close she was sat to me. I tightened my crossed arms, trying to think of something else. Then I remembered what had happened in Anna's room before Sasha interrupted.

"What were you and Anna arguing about?" I asked, glancing at the witch.

She winced, but didn't look my way. "Nothing. Just neighbour stuff."

I smiled bitterly. So, she didn't want to share. Fine. No big deal. Who was I but her neighbour's carer anyway?

After ten minutes of waiting, we decided to head back inside to make sure Anna was okay. What we saw was Anna and Sasha crying happy tears as the latter sat at her bedside, clutching her hand.

"Damn, sorry," I apologised for Wanda and I, realising we'd interrupted a special moment. "We can–"

"No, we're done," Sasha said, wiping away her tears with embarrassment. "Sorry about that."

"Devushki (girls), this is my granddaughter, Sasha," Anna introduced, and I'd never seen her look happier.

As Sasha stood up and rounded the bed to approach us, I realised she seemed familiar because of the photographs I'd seen around Anna's apartment.

"It's nice to finally meet the two people who have been taking care of my grandmother," Sasha said, before putting out her hand.

I bit back from retorting with something along the lines of 'we wouldn't have to if you had cared for her yourself', and instead shook her hand. Wanda glanced at me, probably sensing the negative thoughts in my mind with her powers, but she said nothing as she smiled politely at Sasha and shook her hand.

"It's nice to meet you, too," Wanda spoke, realising I wouldn't. "Anna talks a lot about you. I was hoping we would eventually meet."

Sasha sighed regretfully, smile fading. "Yes... well, I haven't been around as much as I should have been. I know that now."

"Took you long enough," I muttered under my breath, it slipping out without me realising.

Wanda shoved me in the arm in response and I frowned, rubbing the sore spot.

"You're right," Sasha said, looking to me apologetically. "But I'm here now. And getting that call earlier... it made me realise that I've treated Anna horribly. That's why I've invited her to live with me. To make up for lost time."

Certainly not expecting that, my jaw dropped with surprise. "What?"

Sasha sat back down beside Anna's beside and I exchanged startled looks with Wanda before looking to the older woman in question.

"No offence," I started, glancing at Sasha, before focusing on Anna again, "but are you sure this is the right move? It's not too sudden?"

Anna shook her head and grabbed Sasha's hand. "She wants me to be around her family. And I want it too, Y/N. I miss them."

I nodded, but chewed on the inside of my mouth anxiously. It's not that I didn't trust Sasha (okay, maybe it was a little), but I was scared for Anna. I didn't want her to get heartbroken all over again.

Be supportive, Wanda's voice filled my mind, and I looked to her to see her eyes fading from red to green.

I clenched my jaw. Stay out of my head.

With a bright smile, she ignored me and looked between the grandmother and granddaughter duo.

"I think that's wonderful, Anna," she said kindly. "I mean, of course I'm going to miss having you as a neighbour, but this is all you've wanted. I'm thrilled for you. And so is Y/N."

When she looked to me for confirmation, I felt a familiar anger in the pit of my stomach, only reserved for Wanda Maximoff. But this wasn't about us, this was about Anna.

"I am," I agreed, eyes flickering to Anna. "It sounds great."

"You can both visit whenever you want," Sasha said, nodding enthusiastically. "Anna loves you both so dearly."

"You can't get rid of us even if you tried," Wanda joked, flashing Anna a teasing smile.

Anna chuckled. "I knew you would both understand."

I smiled halfheartedly, glad that everything was working out for Anna but knowing I would miss caring for her greatly.

"We should leave you to rest," I said with finality.

"Thank you," Anna replied, and by the way she looked at me, I knew she was thanking me for a lot more.

"Get well soon," I told her in my 'nurse' voice that she hated, a playful smile on my lips. "I'll check on you tomorrow."

Anna nodded. "Tomorrow."

After saying an awkward goodbye to Sasha, I left the room and headed for the lift down the hall, not bothering to wait for Wanda. Thankfully, she must have known I didn't want to speak to her, as she didn't speed after me.

—

Since Anna moved in with her granddaughter, the last time I saw Wanda was at the hospital. Two more months passed and I had no need to bump into her at Anna's apartment since Anna didn't live there anymore. And the one time I visited Anna since she moved in to Sasha's house, Wanda wasn't present.

I guess it made it a lot easier to attempt to get over her. Six months since she broke up with me was long enough to move on, I think. I'd been on a few dates, none really going anywhere until Natasha decided to set me up with someone a few weeks ago.

It was a family friend of her Avenger's teammate, Clint Barton, and though it was a blind date, it actually worked out well. The woman was called Elise and she was very sweet and charming on our first date, having a similar sense of humour to mine and a killer smile. It was actually the first time since Wanda left that things felt like they were falling into place. We went on a few more dates, deciding not to rush things, and I found myself looking forward to going out with her.

It was a few weeks into our dating relationship when Natasha gave me a call, inviting me as her plus-one to Clint and his wife's vow renewal. They were having a whole celebration at their homestead in Missouri and Natasha figured I'd enjoy it, able to take a weekend break and join her at the lavish hotel she'd be staying in. And also because Elise would be there.

"Oh?" I said with surprise. "Elise didn't mention anything."

"She wanted to," Natasha said with amusement, "but she didn't want to bring it up in case you didn't want to go."

I quirked a brow, despite her being unable to see me. "And why wouldn't I want to go?"

Natasha hesitated. "'Cause Wanda will be there...?"

A sigh escaped my lips as I massaged my forehead. Elise knew about Wanda because it came up when she asked how Natasha and I became friends. She was actually really chill about the whole thing, which I appreciated, but I could only imagine how she must have felt knowing that Wanda would be at the vow renewal.

"You should still come," Natasha encouraged when I didn't say anything. "I already spoke to Wanda and she said she won't cause a scene or anything."

"I doubt that she would," I mumbled.

"She just wants you to be happy," Natasha finished. "So, be happy as my plus-one and get a cute date in with your girlfriend whilst you're there."

I tried to stifle the smile on my lips. "Elise isn't my girlfriend."

"Yet," Natasha added knowingly.

Rolling my eyes, I said, "Look, send me the details and I'll be happy to be your plus-one."

"Yes!" she exclaimed, and I could just imagine her fist-pumping like an idiot. "I'll see you then, Y/N."

"Goodbye," I told her, though a smile of amusement was playing on my lips.

After that call with Natasha, I didn't hesitate to give Elise a call, hoping I wasn't bothering her whilst she was at work.

"Hello?"

"Hey," I greeted, smiling to myself. "Is this a bad time?"

"Well, luckily for you, I'm actually just starting my lunch break," she said in a joking manner. "What's up?"

I scratched my head uncertainly. "Well, Natasha just called and invited me as her plus-one to Clint's vow renewal. She said you would be there, too, obviously, but I just wanted to check in and see if it was okay that I went."

I left out the part about her not telling me about it, but she seemed to pick up on it anyway as she breathed out slowly.

"I just don't want to step on your toes," I quickly added, before chewing on my lip.

"You could never," she said reassuringly. "I actually wanted to ask you to be my date, but I thought it may be too soon. Y'know, a vow renewal when it's only what, the sixth date in?"

"It's not too soon," I said, before adding, "I can just come as Natasha's friend and we don't have to make it a date."

"There's also the fact that your ex will be there," Elise added, and I frowned at the mention of Wanda. "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

"It's been six months," I told her with certainty. "I'm as comfortable as can be."

She paused. "If you think you'll be okay, then I'd love to see you there, Y/N."

"I know I'll be okay," I said promisingly. "And I'd like to go and maybe see you, too."

She laughed quietly and it made me smile. "In that case, I guess I'll see you there."

"It'll be fun," I said knowingly.

"It will," she agreed. "And now I can't wait."

It was my turn laugh. "Me either."

And fun it was... along with many other words.

The day of the vow renewal came by quickly enough and as promised, I went with Natasha as her plus-one. She made it as enjoyable as she could for me which I appreciated, with the two of us getting first-class tickets which Natasha was happy to pay for, and checking in to a beautiful hotel for the weekend. And that was just the accommodation.

The actual vow renewal was a stunning affair, as Clint and his wife, Laura, had gone all out with decorating the homestead and it's fields in a traditional, romantic way. A flower arch stood front and centre, with rows of seats set out for guests. Bouquets lined the outside and lights were strung above and all around the trees which I could only imagine would look stunning once the sun set.

"They really went all out," Natasha said, impressed as she took in the scene before us.

I hummed in agreement. "It's beautiful." I glanced at her adding, "Bet you wish you brought an actual date now."

Natasha smirked knowingly. "What's to say this isn't one? This could all be a plan to steal you away from Elise."

"Because that makes sense," I played along with amusement. "The woman who set me up with her best friend's family friend is trying to steal me away from said family friend. Makes complete sense."

"True," she said with a shrug, walking forward. I followed her as she continued, "If I was trying to make a move, you wouldn't see it coming."

I tried not to laugh. "Sure, Natasha."

"Trained assassin, expert in espionage, master of lying and hiding in plain sight," she listed off her skills one by one on her fingers. Shooting me a knowing smile, she repeated, "You wouldn't see it coming."

I rolled my eyes playfully and the two of us made the rounds, myself reacquainting with the other Avengers whom I hadn't seen since, well, since Wanda and I were together. It was a little awkward, since I was never really close with them and vice versa, but they were polite and kind and made me feel comfortable (probably because of Natasha, which gave me yet another reason to be grateful to the redhead).

Eventually, it got to a point where Wanda was the next person to say hello to and I truly thought six months would be enough to get over her; oh, how sorely mistaken I was.

She was talking to Sam Wilson, the two talking about something or the other that was clearly entertaining enough to warrant a laugh from Wanda. As we approached them, the sound of her laugh taunted me, melodic and dancing around my ears like a terrible reminder of what I couldn't have.

They spotted Natasha and I soon enough, their conversation ceasing and Wanda's laughter silencing as her eyes met mine. I tried not to let her effect me, but it became increasingly different when I noticed how beautiful she looked today, wearing a maroon-coloured dress and wearing her brown-red hair down in curls. Of course, all of that didn't compliment the giant scar on her forehead.

"Y/N, it's so good to see you!" Sam exclaimed, trying to prevent an awkwardness from occurring. "How have you been?"

I smiled his way. "I'm good, Sam. You?"

We talked for a little while, catching up, before Natasha decided to drag Sam away for a stupid, fake reason that was clearly said on purpose. Knowing I couldn't exactly stop her, I let her get away with it, figuring I'd have to face Wanda at some point.

"You look good," she spoke first, making me push a stand of my hair behind my ear to give my hands something to do.

"Thanks," I mumbled, before clearing my throat and meeting her gaze. "So do you. That's, er, that's always been your colour."

She smiled in response and I cursed inwardly, wondering why the hell I said that.

"You sound like you've been doing well," she said, referring to the conversation I had with Sam.

I nodded. "Yeah, I have."

A silence filled the air that none of us knew how to fill. I stared at my shoes so hard that I'm surprised a hole didn't form. Wanda hugged herself, unsure whether to speak or not.

"What happened to your head?" I finally thought of something, nodding to the scar.

She subconsciously reached up to touch it, though she didn't seem affected by it. "Oh, nothing. Just happened in a recent mission."

I nodded uncomfortably, never responding well to when she got injured. But she knew that.

"So, Nat said you've got a date," Wanda said, and the way she said it made me think that maybe she'd been wanting to mention it for a while. "Elise, right?"

I swallowed. "Yeah. She's just helping the Bartons out with some stuff then I'll be seeing her after."

Wanda nodded, eyes flickering between me and the floor. "That's nice. So, is it new?"

God, this was awkward.

"Kind of, yeah," I answered, not even sure why. "It's not, like, exclusive, but it's nice to move on, y'know?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, so you're moving on?"

I pressed my lips together firmly. She was watching me curiously, green eyes bright with intrigue.

"I'd hope so," I answered, cocking my head to the side and watching her. "It's been six months."

She nodded, looking down. "Yeah, okay... so you're not in love with her?"

I clenched my jaw. "Is that really any of your business, Wanda?" She didn't answer, so I straightened up and avoided her eyes. "I should go. Ceremony is going to start soon."

Walking away, I left with tense shoulders and more nerves than when I headed in. She had no right to be jealous. She left me.

I found Elise just before everybody was told to take their seats for the ceremony. She apologised for missing me before, mentioning how she was helping Laura with getting ready, then proceeded to shower me in compliments which sent me into a blushing mess. After catching up, we took our seats for the ceremony and waited for it to begin.

Feeling someone's eyes on me, I glanced to my left and saw Wanda sat on the other set of rows, but she was staring right at me, lips pressed together thoughtfully. I rolled my eyes and looked ahead, ignoring her stares. As if sensing my mood, Elise grabbed ahold of my hand gently, glancing at me with a small smile as if to check that was okay. I squeezed her hand in response, letting her know it was.

Are her hands sweaty? Because they look sweaty.

I clenched my jaw and shot Wanda a glare, seeing the amused smile on her lips as she watched me.

Stay out of my head, I told her mentally, knowing she was listening, before rolling my eyes. And her hands are soft, thank you very much. Yours are the sweaty ones.

Though it was a terrible comeback, Wanda lost her smile and rolled her eyes before looking away. I tried not to let her annoying self bother me as Elise and I sat together, watching the ceremony.

It was short and sweet and though I didn't know Clint and Laura too well, it was easy to see they loved each other very much. Their vows were beautiful and it was adorable when their kids ran up to them at the end to give them a giant hug. I didn't know much, but I knew that I'd love to have a love like theirs some day.

After the ceremony came the reception, and there were loads of tables and chairs set up for guests, including a stage and dance floor next to it, perfect for a nice celebration after the vow renewal. It was all wonderful and I was excited, until I learnt that I was sat on the same table as Wanda.

Me, Elise, Natasha, Sam, Wanda and Bucky Barnes were all sat at the same table, which definitely didn't help with the awkwardness as Wanda eyed me from across the food. I tried to ignore her presence and focus on having a great time with Elise. Natasha promised that Wanda wouldn't make a scene, so I just had to believe her.

"So, what can I get you all to drink?" a waiter said, stopping by our table.

Everybody told him what they wanted and when he looked to me, I shrugged.

"Literally anything is fine with me," I said, before quickly adding, "Well, anything except gin. Not a fan of gin at all."

The waiter nodded and smiled politely. "I'm sure I can get you something good without gin."

I returned his smile as he nodded to us all once more before walking away to get our drinks.

"So, what did you think of the ceremony?" Elise asked, giving me her attention.

The two of us erupted into conversation, as did everyone else, and I was genuinely having a good time with her. The food was good, too, as were the drinks when they arrived. But the one problem was Wanda bloody Maximoff who couldn't keep her eyes away from me and was agitating me with her mere presence. I tried so hard to ignore her, but God forbid my eyes flickered over to her and she was already looking my way.

After a delicious meal and lovely conversation with the others, everybody began to get up and mingle with the other guests. I took this as my chance to steer away from Wanda and instead catch up with Natasha and hang out with Elise, who got on with everyone wonderfully. Sadly though, she had to keep nipping away to help the Bartons with some stuff for the party, but I didn't mind. I figured that was also part of the reason why she didn't invite me as her plus-one, so I didn't take it personally.

About an hour into the celebrations, I was mid-conversation with Natasha when we were interrupted by Wanda. I rolled my eyes as she looked to the redhead questioningly.

"Have you seen Clint around?" she asked. "Laura wants me to take everything from the gifts table inside and I need the key."

Natasha pursed her lips, shaking her head. As her eyes looked around for him, she said, "I'm not sure where he is..."

Before either of them could come to a conclusion, Elise appeared by my side with an apologetic smile and a drink in her hand.

"Hey," she greeted, squeezing my hand gently. "Sorry for ditching you before. I had to make sure the bar didn't run out of alcohol."

"It's all good," I told her with a small smile.

"I got you this gin cocktail to make up for it," she said sweetly, making me eye the drink like it was a bomb.

Wanda snorted suddenly, making me look to her with a glare. She tried to hide her laughter behind a smile as she looked the other way, though that didn't stop her from commenting in my mind with her obnoxious, intrusive powers.

Real good listener this one. Didn't you say you didn't like gin earlier?

I refrained from smacking her. Go away, Wanda.

"Thank you," I said to Elise gratefully, accepting the drink. "It looks great."

"Oh, I think I see Clint," Wanda said, before shooting us all a smile I'd love to punch. "Catch you later."

"See ya," Natasha said, as Elise waved and I rolled my eyes.

—

Dancing was fun and I liked to think I was good for an average person. So, when the DJ put on some fun music and encouraged guests to have a little dance, I immediately asked Elise to join me. Unfortunately, she wasn't exactly the most confident of dancers. She was adorably apologising as she held my hands, letting me take the lead.

"It's okay," I reassured her with a laugh. "You're doing fine."

But as she stepped on my foot for the millionth time, I could tell she thought she was doing anything but. I didn't mind though since it was amusing and cute all at the same time.

Be careful over there, Y/N. You may have been better off wearing some steel-toed shoes.

At the sound of Wanda's voice infiltrating my mind, I searched around me until I caught sight of the familiar green eyes over Elise's shoulder. She was stood to the side, entertained smile adorning her lips, as she watched Elise and I dance.

Why don't you piss off and mind your own business before I buy a pair of steel-toed shoes just to kick you with!

She didn't respond, so I focused my attention back on Elise and paused as something a little slower and more romantic played in the background. Offering an encouraging smile to Elise, I held out my hand which she accepted happily.

"Luckily, this one is pretty easy, so you might avoid bruising my feet," I joked to lighten the mood.

She flushed with embarrassment but let me pull her close as I took the lead. Subconsciously, my eyes wandered back to Wanda, who was now crossing her arms with annoyance and watching me with glowing red eyes. She had absolutely no right to be jealous. But I didn't care. It wasn't my business.

After sharing a lovely dance with Elise, the two of us took a seat at our empty table to have some water and talk. Of course, as we were chatting, our conversation was interrupted by none other than–

"Wanda," I got out through gritted teeth.

She grinned as she took a seat next to us, crossing her legs and resting her intertwined hands on her knees comfortably.

"I figured I'd introduce myself properly since we haven't really met before," Wanda explained, eyes dancing with mischief before she looked to Elise. "I'm Wanda Maximoff."

Elise smiled politely. "I'm Elise Fey. And I know who you are. A really impressive Avenger at that."

I narrowed my eyes as Wanda waved her hand dismissively. What was she playing at exactly?

"Oh, I wouldn't say that," she said bashfully. "But I guess, since you know who I am, it's only fair I return the favour. After all, you're here as Y/N's date, and as Y/N's friend, I thought it would be nice to get to know you."

"Friend," I repeated the word bitterly. "So, that's what we are now?"

Wanda chuckled, brushing off my words, before focusing on Elise. "So, what do you do, Elise?"

"I'm a veterinarian," she quipped proudly.

"How cute," Wanda said, tilting her head to the side and smiling. "How long have you been doing that?"

"Only a few years," Elise said, glancing at me with mild confusion. "It's a really rewarding job."

"I can imagine," Wanda said, before pulling a puzzled expression. "But wait, how does that work with you both? Since Y/N is allergic to pets an' all?"

Locking my jaw with agitation, I stared at Wanda's doe-eyed face. Elise looked to me with surprise.

"You are?" she asked. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I shook my head, smiling at her. "No, not really... I mean, well, rabbits. I'm allergic to rabbits. I didn't think it was a big deal."

"It kind of is," she said playfully. "What if I had treated a rabbit at work and then went on a date with you?"

I chuckled awkwardly. "Hmm, yeah, okay, maybe it's a little bit of a big deal."

She hummed disapprovingly before looking back to Wanda, who watched us both curiously.

"So, you work as a vet in New York?" she asked Elise, and I couldn't tell if she was actually interested or just trying to piss me off. When Elise nodded, she continued, "Are you from New York?"

"I'm originally from here actually," Elise said, motioning around us. "My family knew Laura's family before she married Clint. That's how I know the Bartons."

"Oh, so your parents still live here?" Wanda asked, leaning her head in the palm of her hand as she continued to question her.

"Yeah, not far from here actually," Elise answered with a smile.

Wanda nodded. "Cool... so how would that work, the whole visiting them thing? I mean, Y/N works a lot, right? And I assume you're close with your family. So, how does taking the time off to visit your parents work with you both when it's, like, 16 hours away?"

I squeezed my hands together to contain my frustration towards Wanda. Elise opened her mouth to respond, then closed it when she realised she didn't know how to answer. Her eyes darted to mine, asking for help, and I knew she was too polite to call Wanda out for her bullshit.

"We're still newly dating, Wanda," I answered through a fake smile. "We haven't even talked about meeting each other's parents, so it's not an issue right now."

"Right now," Wanda echoed my words, as if adding a double meaning. "But it will be in the future?"

I tried not to react harshly as I said, "That's not what I said."

Wanda nodded slowly, smirk tugging at her lips. Saying nothing more on the subject, she looked to Elise with dark eyes.

"It was lovely meeting you," she finished. "I'll see you around, I guess."

Elise nodded uncomfortably. "You, too, Wanda."

Shooting me a smile, she got up and left Elise and I sat there in mixed emotions. I was peeved at the Sokovian woman, not understanding why she had to try and ruin my one chance at moving on.

"I'm sorry about that," I said to Elise, a frown on my lips. "I don't know what the hell happened, but I definitely didn't expect it."

Elise chewed on her lower lip with thought. I waited patiently, wishing I knew what she was thinking. Finally, her blue eyes met mine apologetically.

"I don't think Wanda is quite over you," she said quietly. "And maybe you're not over her either, Y/N. At least not as much as you think you are."

I raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Elise, she's just being a dick to piss me off. It's not like that."

Elise winced. "I think it is. And honestly, you're a lovely person, but I just don't want to get involved in something like that right now."

I knitted my brows together with confusion. "What do you mean?"

She rested her hand on mine atop the table. "It's probably better we stay friends. Easier."

"Elise... c'mon. We just– we only just got to know each other." I frowned, feeling bad that she didn't want to see where this would go.

"For what it's worth, today was really fun," she said with a smile, trying to make light of the situation. "And every date we've shared has been fun, too. But I can't compete with the history you share with Wanda. And I don't want to."

I didn't know what to say, speechless, unable to understand why she was doing this. Taking that as her chance to leave, she leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek before standing up and letting go of my hand.

"I'm gonna leave early," she explained. "I hope you work stuff out for yourself."

I looked up to her, watching as she smiled once more before leaving me be. We'd only been dating a few weeks, I knew that, but I still felt saddened to know she didn't want to keep things going. And with the realisation that it was because of Wanda, my sadness was quickly replaced with anger. It always came back to her.

Scowl on my face, I stood up and knew one thing: Wanda Maximoff was dead meat.

[cvtqr]

365

pairings; eren jaeger x reader [+ jean x reader]

notes; this was also posted on my ao3, which has the same username as this one [cvtqr]

“i never loved you y/n.” 

“WHAT DON’T YOU GET? I NEVER LOVED YOU SO STOP COMING HERE Y/N.” 

he slammed the door in your face. you didn't know why he was treating you this way. you've been with him every step of the road. there was no way he couldn't love you. you didn't want to leave. you didn't want to stop coming to see him. so you didn't stop. you weren't going to leave. you sunk down onto the concrete in front of his door.

on the other side eren was doing the same thing, just sitting against the door. he didn't want to see you. he didn't want to give into you. if he hurt you now he wouldn't hurt you in 365 days. but seeing your face was so hard. he never wanted to scream at you and slam the door in your face. right when you showed up the only thing he wanted to do was pull you into his arms. he wanted to feel your warmth. but he can't. he knew you were like a drug, he couldn't get enough. he also knew that he could never be with you again. no. not after 365 days. he could never give you a family, the life you deserved. his biggest mistake was falling in love with you. it was impossible to give you everything he wanted to. he never even knew when it happened. when you walked with him in the snow during training? when you saved him countless times? your soft, sweet smile? he needed you, but you didn't need him.

you ended up falling asleep on eren’s front porch, waking up the next morning from the bright sun shining directly onto your face. and the blonde boy standing in front of you.

“so he won't talk to you either hm? you should go, you don't deserve that y/n. he hasn't talked to anyone in days, im just leaving a bag for him to make sure he's taking care of himself and all.” 

you nodded and stood up, walking down the step on eren’s porch. 

“the captain wants to see you too. i think he wants you and jean doing field work today.”

“thanks” you mumbled out before going to meet up with levi. 

armin was right, you and jean were out on the field today. jean secretly cared about you and he hated seeing you like this. the bright cheerful girl, now not saying a word. you lost the glow in your eyes. as the sun set, you and jean were about done. riding your horses back to the stables, jean took a turn.

“where are you going.”

“come on, y/n.”

sighing, you turned the direction of your horse, following jean.  

he stopped over the lake, the sun setting above you two.

“i used to come here with marco all the time.”

you looked up and over at jean.

“s-sorry, lets go.”

“wait jean.- i, i miss him too.”

“do you maybe wanna get dinner in town? we haven't ate in awhile and you seem very down today.”

“i don't know jean...”

“oh come on, my treat.”

knowing you couldn't go home and cook with eren like you used to do, you accepted his offer. 

279 days

the time for you and jean to do field work all day came around again. after, you found yourself in town with him again. over the past 86 days you found yourself going to eren’s less and less. after hanging out with jean all day for the first time, you realized that you both had a lot in common. jean lost someone and even though eren was still here, you lost him. you now only go there about once a week with armin, just to leave a bag with a note on his doorstep. he completely ghosted everyone. he hasn't talked to anyone in almost 100 days. you were the last person he spoke to. 

back to today, you found your smile slowly coming back. but were you over eren? no. not at all. jean just simply made you somewhat happy. out in town the both of you decided to try food from a bunch of carts. that was until you got to a small band playing music. jean pulled you close to him and started slowly swaying the both of you together. jean knew you were probably wishing he was eren, but that was ok with him. he had you in his arms.

what you didn't know, eren was sitting on a nearby bench. from a far, he was un recognizable. his hair draped over his shoulders and he hasn't shaved in months. he looked like shit. he questioned his decision of pushing everyone away. should he have spent the 365 days with you? no. no no no no no, he made the right choice. now he would just have to watch your life with jean. even though it hurt, it hurt like hell, this is what he wanted for you.

123 days 

wow, its been awhile since you've seen eren. you stopped going there. you didn't feel like need. its been way over 200 days. you had jean now. you were so close, yet so far to being over eren. but you didn't want to hurt jean by going to see your ex-lover. jean didn't bring up marco, you didn't bring up eren. you haven't had as much time with jean that you had with eren, but you were slowly falling in love with him.

just the little things.

4 days

letters. eren had written a letter to each and every one of his friends, but no. he only needed you to see yours. he ripped up the rest, but put yours into a plain white envelope, leaving it on his kitchen table. he needed to think about a lot of things in the next four days.

1 day 

eren took all his decorations down. all the pictures of you two that he's been looking at for the past 364 days. the only thing left was the letter, still set on his counter.

2 days after 

y/n. open in five years. i understand if you want to throw this out and forget about me, but give it a chance.

that's what you read on the envelope left on eren’s counter. 

you and close friends cleaned out eren’s house, collecting his personal belongings.  

saying the day was gloomy is being generous. the next few years were gloomy.

1825 days after

“marco kirstein! get back here right now or im getting your father.” 

you never imagined yourself chasing after a three year old toddler while your husband drank coffee on the balcony five years later. 

1826 days later

“have fun on your camping trip boys. connie loose my child when jean goes on that interview and ill kill you.”

“mommy stop worrying! uncle connie is a great babysitter!” 

6 hours later

you un crumpled the old envelope sitting in a box of belongings. 

hey sugar! so i see you didn't forget about me. if im right you have started a family? or that's what i hope at least...

those last 365 days were painful as all hell. sorry for bringing up old memories but i just want to clear things up with you. i lied the last time i saw you. i love you. i loved you so much. that's why i needed to let go. I've been watching you and jean over the past few months. you seem happy. stay that way please. i fucking cannot stand jean but please don't let go of him. if you're reading this and you did, i hope your children get/got your genes so they don't have horse faces. 

i don't even know why im writing this, i guess i just wanted to say i had to let go so you wouldn't get hurt once i died. i thought it would be less painful for you that way. im so sorry if i hurt you at first. so, so sorry. at least you had jean. someone, just like i wanted you too. 

im not sure if i regret my decision. actually scrap that i shouldn't have wrote that because i don't have an eraser. i don't regret it. but i just wanted to let you know that i loved you over those last 365 days. tell the gang i said hey.

i love you, my atlantis.

-eren