#benefits of being an extremely adhd kid I suppose

[vshamru]

I’m wearing a Magen David again :) I’m glad to be doing it

[klineblog]

Healing Anxiety - Naturally

In my work as a guide there is no deficiency of chances for extending how I might interpret every one of the various problems that individuals have. Bipolar, misery, anxiety, distrustfulness, ADHD, learning issues, fanatical impulsive; the rundown is long and is by all accounts getting longer.

I like to allude to them as 'dis-requested states'. Instead of characterizing an individual's inborn direction towards life, a large number of these dis-requested states happen for quite certain reasons, and when we will consider a wide range of potential clarifications, a more profound comprehension will frequently arise preparing for change.

It is essential to consider the word 'jumble'.

Basically, it portrays something lacking request. The word lets us don't know anything of whether the framework or climate it is depicting is intended to be that way everlastingly and is unchangeable; it essentially portrays a current 'state'.

By and large, a disarranged state and an arranged state contain overall similar components, generally similar natural substance in pretty much degrees, yet one is requested and the other is deficient with regards to arrange. This absence of request empowers a large group of potential issues to create.

The inquiry we should pose is:

What mix of variables were available brilliantly in the perfect add up to lead to a current condition or state?

This question is just pertinent in the event that we are keen on returning the dis-requested state to a condition of request. Numerous financial interests and contending businesses are not keen on asking or investigating these more profound inquiries on the grounds that their proceeded with presence settles upon individuals not posing further inquiries.

Since I'm not from any one specific way of thinking, nor am I administered nor empowered by a specific load up or body, I have the opportunity and opportunity to explore a few unique fields of study. This empowers me to frequently make associations that others, who are supposed to adjust to the command of their particular affiliations, don't have the foggiest idea.

A staggering number of cases I see are predictable in one region: anxiety. I have seen clients whose memory issues improved when they acquired the abilities for overseeing anxiety. I have seen learning dis-orders lift when individuals facilitate the pressure they are under, discovering a restored feeling of trust in themselves and their capacities. What's more, I have seen extreme absence of certainty and sorrow shift, taking somebody from such a raised condition of anxiety that they couldn't make even a solitary call, to a year after the fact being approached to serve on the leading body of a non-benefit association.

Without a doubt, extremist change is conceivable when we are given what we really want.

As far as I can tell and research, stress and anxiety appear to give a prolific favorable place to many issues and the conditions of dis-request that follow. At the point when small kids are restless and pushed, it influences their advancement in all areas; physical, mental, close to home, and social (profound as well).

Assuming this pressure and anxiety is delayed, diseases and problems can begin appearing in apparently irrelevant ways.

When the bodymind (there is no detachment between the body and psyche - it is every one of the one framework) is compelled to fight with tenacious pressure, it goes into insurance mode. As indicated by researcher Dr. Bruce Lipton, we basically have two directions toward our current circumstance; compression (assurance) and extension (development). Dread, stress, and dangers from our current circumstance naturally connect with our instinctive reaction.

The precarious piece of this situation is that as children we are perfect at adjusting - it is what our bodies and brains are intended to do - yet at this young age we are not generally knowledgeable at knowing how to convey our necessities.

Adolescence injury can be unobtrusive. The word injury itself summons relationship of seriousness and importance. Yet, to a delicate and delicate youngster who is in that basic formative stage from age 0-5, injury caused upon the framework can frequently slip by everyone's notice.

At least, we expect that actual issues have an actual premise, and when no causal relationship can be found, we accept that is business as usual intended to be.

However, the various pieces of us don't advance and foster inside a vacuum. Close to home agony, dread, stress, anxiety, mis-understandings, healthful propensities, love - these and all the more straightforwardly impact how we create. Indeed, even the profound soundness of the mother during pregnancy impacts the creating baby.

On the off chance that a mother is unendingly worried, this pressure is influencing, no matter what (for this situation, more regrettable), the creating hatchling.

There is an expression utilized among instructors and specialists that characterizes a kind of guide for working with clients; 'follow the anxiety'. Since anxiety for some individuals exists as a summed up state (there is that word once more) of disquiet that apparently shows up from no place and leaves nevertheless (or stays for significant stretches), it very well may be precarious to fix and treat.

Consequently, prescription is frequently endorsed to address this intense period, and the client or patient is sent along their way.

However, held inside that restless state are factors that are making and re-inforcing that equivalent restless state. By 'following the anxiety' we (instructors, guardians, anybody) can start to fabricate a bigger comprehension of what somebody is feeling and encountering, and from that point, what starts to arise is in many cases an assortment of critical encounters that genuinely and mystically has placed a client's organic framework on overdrive. Bio-science becomes imbalanced, and the electrical driving forces that administer our body processes become modified.

It does not matter what started things out, the chicken or the egg. They are both piece of a similar framework, in relationship to one another, and the introducing data is helpful no matter what its directional stream.

At a conduct social level, certainty and self-idea become modified, which then, at that point, influences ones view of their capacities and what the accept they can accomplish.

To keep tending to this from the point of 'this is exactly what their identity is', without looking for a more profound interest in the circumstances that led to their ongoing showed express, the individual proceeds to all the more immovably have faith in their impediments. They quit trusting specific things (or never start accepting and seeing specific thoughts), which starts to close the entryway on what is conceivable; inwardly, actually, profoundly, physiologically, mentally and socially.

While it might require an investment and difficult work to recognize and 'get to the lower part' of a condition or condition of dis-request, does this mean we ought to quit attempting?

On the off chance that we don't have every one of the bits of the riddle today, should that propel us to finish up 'this is only how I'm'?

A similar limit with regards to healing and recuperation exists in every single person. Some might need to work a bit (or a great deal) harder at it, however there can be a reason to have hope for everybody.

There isn't some imperceptible power out there that is singling out who will feel improved and who doesn't, who will find the responses they need and who doesn't, or who will recuperate and carry conclusion to the past and who doesn't.

The truth of the 'mended state' (versus the dis-requested state) will start to exist for you assuming you initially start to accept that it can exist for you. This is the fundamental beginning stage. The truth of 'setting yourself free from the aggravation of the past' can and will exist for you assuming you initially start to imagine that you are worth the effort, and that you, similar to other people who have strolled a comparative way, have the right to mend and develop. Check here soin à distance

Any other way, a mental obstruction will keep on forestalling your body as well as your current circumstance from giving the responses you are looking for. In the event that you don't decide to loosen up the unbending convictions you might be conveying about your very own value, the blend of arrangements you require could appear at your entryway in a slick bundle yet your psychological develops won't empower you to perceive the Reality of the matter.

Some way or another, by picking one of its many stunts, the psyche will dismiss you from the response since it will not permit itself (you) to accept is merits the gift.

Despite what you have or haven't experienced, regardless of the aggravation you are or alternately are not conveying, regardless of what kind of family you experienced childhood in or the amount of cash you possessed or didn't have growing up, the space for healing will start to be made after you initially decide to accept it is conceivable.

You should conclude you are worth the effort. This isn't to ignore your aggravation or individual circumstance, since they are fundamental bits of the riddle, however the response is similar whether we are in yesterday, today, or tomorrow. You should go with a decision. Or then again not.

[plutoswrath]

I saw that you had an ask where someone was talking about 8th house overlays for platonic relationships and I’ve never seen anyone talk about platonic 8th house before. So I decided to talk with my sister because we actually have a mutual 8th house Mars in synastry. It was insightful as hell and we recognized a pattern because she and I have been surrounded by people with Mars in Pisces, all of which place in my sisters 8th. So we know that 8th house should make you possessive and we would always have to read 8th house synastry and try to interpret it platonically because people always sexualize it. It always talked about being obsessed with each other and being jealous and possessive. For context, my sister is the least jealous, possessive, and obsessive person I know. She has an Aquarius Mars, a lot of 10th house, and she just doesn’t ever feel that way. We both have Pluto in 5th and she only ever obsesses over her interests. BUT we noticed a pattern with every single person who’s Mars placed in her 8th and then other Pisces Mars’ who didn’t. With every 8th house overlay, she was extremely judgmental of who they surrounded themselves with. So with me, if she ever hated my friends that I would introduce to her, she would get mad that I stuck near them. But not because she was jealous, it was because she has her own dislike towards them and she lives by the ‘guilty by association’ saying. And with friends it was the same. She would zone in on who her 8th house overlay friends would hang out with and then if she didn’t approve of them, she’d ditch them. So if her friend hung out with bigoted kids who say racial slurs, sexist comments, etc. then she would immediately judge that friend. My sister said she would talk about certain people and why they weren’t good to surround yourself with and when that friend decided to conform to the bigoted friend group, she would finally cut the friendship off. We also have a mutual Mars in Pisces friend who she does the same thing with, except it’s more innocent. She will judge his friends immediately and they basically have to pass a morale/vibe check lmao. She’s very particular about certain things when it comes to people’s behavior so people rarely ever pass and it’s rather hilarious and light hearted but she will insult them if they do something dumb or are cringe in any way. For more context, my sister is a gifted ADHD Autistic kid so she can be very particular over behavior others will overlook even if they are bothered by them. My sister applies this to other people and we were excited to finally break down how our 8th house synastry and composite manifested because we always hear the worst things about it. We’ve noticed that 8th house is not for the undeveloped and when we see people trash talk it then we begin to raise our eyebrows at the ones who hate it. It may be rather mean of me to say but if people can’t handle 8th house then I think the the problem lies within the individual. My sister enjoys astrology but hates when patterns don’t line up so we basically wanted to thank you for the ask that prompted our deep dive into our 8th house that helped us finally connect and recognize the pattern. We’ve come to love 8th house synastry. On another note you can probably see our 8th house synastry just off of how much I’ve brought her up and love her lol. We have a lot of mutual respect for one another and we noticed that when she was younger she wanted everyone to know I was her sister which may be another little 8th house note. But we have a lot 10th house synastry too so it could just be that mutual respect. Sorry for the tangent but I was excited to share. I hope you’re doing well and I wish you the best.

Disclaimer: long post, continue to read under the cut!

Thank you for sharing your in depth experience and observation. As someone who has two sisters as well and is very very close to them I can understand where you’re coming from. I too share with each of them a strong 8th house synastry and they do so with me too.  I agree that 8th house snyastry doesn’t have to be about jealousy, possession and obsession in the sense that most people think. Peopl assume it’s this dramatic burst of emotions that makes you go ‘oh your are mine’, but one way it can play out is defenitely in the protectivness you get over this person. This protectivness inclines this ‘possessivness/obessesion/jealousy’ if you will. 8th house synastry, especially when placed in personal planets can make two people merge so close together, the bond they share is build on ultimate vulnerability. If something happens or threatens to destroy this bond it’s going to hurt as hell, naturally. We not only have protection of the other person and the bond you share here, but 8th house in synastry talks about merging together and sharing your inner ressources - that’s why this overlay can feel so incredibly empowering (and can become possibly addictive, not being able to cut ties, in worst case scenarios). You are so much in the other persons mind and soul (as you tend to try to figure out the other person, especially the 8th house person), that you naturally care for their well being. You fact check the new people coming in their life, because you exactly know about your friends/partner/sibling vulnerable and raw side and as we all know about the archetype Scorpio: it will sting and even poison you if you try to hurt it. 

That can definitely be one of the 8th house effect. Even if you are not possessive and jealous by nature, the 8th house synastry touches so many sensitive spots, it will awake classic Scorpionic traits in people, sucha scanning for real intentions, waiting to let ones guard down, etc. You might as well just call it serious concern if the situation calls for it that is (!!!), I have not only strong 8th house synastry with my siblings but with a lot of close friends of mine and none of us are possessive, jealous, or any of that sort, but we’re pretty much naturally very much in each others life because we want it like that. We really, really feel  the benefit of this deep bond, because it impowers us and makes us feel safe, because we’re able to and can trust and let go in front of/with the other!  And I will agree with you, 8th house synastry requires individuals who can handle it, or have Scorpio/8th house/Pluto in their own chart and know how to handle it.  I am not excusing and pushing blame on anyone who went through bad experiences here by the way, but I will state that 8th house synastry can be pretty much a blessing, but it does require the ability to either learn or to have knowledge, and the experience, as well as inner ressources on how to deal with it because it is a house that is meant to trigger. This doesn’t mean it is supposed to hurt all the time but chances are you will share very vulnerable moments of any kind with the person you have 8th house synastry with and thus leads to the intimate connection. 

Thank you again for opening this in depth conversation, and I think it’s absolutely sweet how you talk about the connection you have with your sister!! I do bring up my sibling a lot as well, they are my soulmates, so this really warms my heart!! <3 Thank you so much for the kind words as well, I hope you two are doing great as well and wish you only the best! xx

[kickasskody]

                          DAKOTA ‘ kody ’ PIERCE, a character study.  “just because i cannot see it, doesn’t mean i cannot believe it.” -- jack skellington

Character’s full name: dakota pierce Reason for name and/or meaning of name: kody’s parents met and fell in love in north dakota, and decided to name their son after the great state 💖 Character’s nickname: kody Reason for nickname: in middle school, kody didn’t think the name dakota was cool. but the name kody, the most generic white boy name ever , was definitely cool Birth date: december 13th, 2002. baby sagittarius 

Physical appearance Faceclaim: austin abrams Gender: cis male Height: 5″8 #shortking Build: scrawny boy body. looks like he couldn’t lift more than 30 pounds... PSYCH!!! he’s a vampire so he can actually lift several hundred pounds 🤪🤪🤪 Eye color: blue with little dark green specks Glasses or contacts?: not with that snazzy 4k vampire sight !! Distinguishing marks/scars: funny little frecklescape on his back that looks like this emoji 😦 Hair color: dirty blonde Type of hair: type 1, aka straight hair Hairstyle: gets up out of bed, looks in mirror. maybe tussles it a little bit. thats it Physical disabilities: none Mental disabilities: adhd Clothing style: sweaters sweaters sweaters. striped sweaters ( because the best time to wear one is all the time ), disney sweaters, sweaters with dogs on them. white collared shirts to go underneath most of them. denim jackets, a couple of them tattering with holes in the elbows. black skinny jeans -- like he owns four pairs of the same black skinny jeans. someone tell him that skinny jeans aren’t in style anymore. uses the same jansport backpack he’s had since the eighth grade with a sewn in epcot center patch on the front pocket. dirty checkered vans. falling apart high-top converse. it’s not that he’s poor and can’t afford new things, he just prefers all his old stuff.  Make up: has never worn any but wouldn’t be opposed to trying some !!

Personality Good personality traits: good at secret keeping, friendly and uplifting, loyal, thoughtful, great memory, cautious, playful. chaotic good energy  🥰 Bad personality traits: gullible, slightly obnoxious, constantly confused, easily distracted Mood character is most often in: cheery, happy as f, practically bouncing off the walls Sense of humor: goddamn hilarious!!! at least he thinks so lol Articulation: loud and occasionally stuttery. repeating himself pretty often. the type to get lost in the middle of conversation and have to take a second to mentally loop back and remember what exactly they were talking about. uses the word ‘ like ‘ way too much. talks with his hands a whole lot. constantly talking like he’s a kooky disney character on a mission. Character’s greatest joy in life: riding a mf’in roller coaster Character’s greatest fear: disneyworld getting blown up / physically hurting someone  Character is most at ease when: he’s curled up with his friends watching a disney movie Most ill at ease when: he’s laying in bed at night, pretending he’s sleeping since he can’t Enraged when: thinking about how there are vampires in bridgemead -- that they could turn other people, kill other people, or worse... harm his friends.  Depressed or sad when: drinking from a blood bag. watching disney pixar’s coco. thinkin’ about a disneyworld churro and how he’ll never be able to enjoy the taste of one again. Priorities: at the moment? trying not to hurt anybody.  Life philosophy: “Keep Moving Forward!” -- walt disney said that Greatest strength: his optimism / ability to take something sad or bad and turn it around! Greatest vulnerability or weakness: giving just about anyone the benefit of the doubt. 

Goals Drives and motivations: getting enough money to be able to travel the world and visit every disney park on the planet.  Immediate goals: graduating high school / helping the scooby gang solve mysteries Long term goals: roller coaster designer / engineer. create a haunted house / rollercoaster hybrid ride

Childhood Hometown: orlando, florida Type of childhood: the kind where he’s an only child, where his middle class parents live to please and spoil him, take him to whatever amusement park he wanted to go to and buy him all the best merch. the smile on his face was worth more than anything they ever could’ve purchased for themselves. kody probably would’ve had siblings, but his parents had complications getting pregnant again, and thus they lived to make sure he had the best life possible.  Pets: a cat named toulouse ( shoutout aristocats ), but he passed when kody was fifteen Most important childhood memory: waiting in line for five hours to ride harry potter and the forbidden journey at universal studios orlando. blew his little kid mind. Dream job: imagineer!! Religion: non-practicing christians. church on easter and christmas ONLY!

Present Current location: bridgemead, massachusetts Currently living with: his parents 💖 Pets: none Religion: agnostic Sexuality: currently questioning his sexuality. growing up he always felt attracted to both boys and girls, but has never been able to articulate it. he’s only ever expressed interest in women, but he has a fat crush on chris evans as captin america Politics: would be socialist if he cared enough to think about politics Occupation/education: bridgemead high school super senior Mode of transportation: his parents dark blue prius!! but only thursday - sunday

Family Parent one: marcus pierce -- drug store manager Relationship with them: kody and his dad are best buds! if it weren’t for his fathers love for rollercoasters, kody doesn’t know what his life would be like today. they used to play rollercoaster tycoon growing up and kody still cherishes those memories today. Parent two: tina pierce -- bridgemead city manager Relationship with them: kody and his mother have a very loving relationship. however, kody’s adoration for his mother dwindled when it was her job that forced them to move to bridgemead. he thinks of it as her fault that he doesn’t get to go to disneyworld anymore, and there’s a bitter part of him that thinks that if she hadn’t made them leave, he never would’ve become a vampire. he knows its wrong to attribute her to his curse, but sometimes when he’s really sad he cant help it.  Siblings: none Other important family members: his widowed aunt shirley who lives twenty minutes from disneyworld and occasionally would join them on their weekend visits to the parks. he misses her greatly 😩😩

Favorites Color: that bright electric blue color on the cinderella castle at disneyworld  Music: electronic Food: a disneyworld churro.  Film: the incredibles / scooby doo 2002 Drink: pink lemonadde mixed with sprite Form of entertainment: disney+ subscription. if that’s all he had, he’d be content. Most prized possession: a magic kingdom two day passport ticket from the 1980′s

Habits Hobbies: playing rollercoaster tycoon / designing rollercoasters on his computer. obsessively watching ghost club paranormal on youtube. bothering aj with the latest thing on his mind that she definitely doesn’t need to know about Plays a musical instrument?: nope. wishes he could though!  Plays a sport?: nope, but would be great at track now that he’s a vampire! How he would spend a rainy day: playing kingdom hearts II in his pajamas. Spending habits: great at hoarding all of his allowance! since he’s not spending it on food, he’s an excellent saver. pre-vampirism kody was not as cautious with his spending.  Smoking/drinking/drugs?: no way 🙅🏼 has yet to even try alcohol Extremely skilled at: cheering up his friends! finding the good in others and convincing them to see it too 🤗 Extremely unskilled at: stopping himself from crying when he’s sad / when he’s in the middle of crying. putting together pieces of their investigations. sure, he can find things -- but what the hell is he supposed to do with them once he’s got it?!?! Nervous tics: anxious picking at his cuticles. messing with his hair. aggressive foot tapping. scrolling through his phone without actually looking at anything.  Usual body posture: that boy has been working on rollercoaster code on his computer for YEARS. his body posture is absolutely RUINED! Mannerisms: constantly talking with his hands. bouncin’ around like tigger when something exciting happens. abbreviating things that don’t need to be abbreviated. the loudest in the room at all times.

Traits Optimist or pessimist? Introvert or extrovert? Daredevil or cautious? Logical or emotional? Leader or follower? Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Prefers working or relaxing? Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Animal lover? HELL YEAH.

Self-perception How do they feels about themselves?: before the year 2020, kody actually quite liked himself! he realized that he was goofy and sometimes not everyones cup of tea, but for the most part, he knew he was a good guy who was a little obnoxious! now, he has mixed feelings about himself. vampirism has elevated a lot of his emotions and more often than not now, he dislikes himself for what he’s become, or what he could become if things turn bloody.  One word the character would use to describe themselves: spunky What does the character consider their best trait?: his compassion What does the character consider their worst trait?: his gullibility  What does the character consider their best physical characteristic?: his fluffy hair !! What does the character consider their worst physical characteristic?: that he’s a short king. stream short kings anthem by tiny meat gang How does the character think others perceive them?: he’s pretty sure most people think that he’s wildly annoying, but that doesn’t stop him from being fully himself most of the time!  What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: his vampirism!! get this shit out of him just make him a normal aging boy again!!

Relationships with others Opinion of other people in general: kody is a big ole’ ball of love, and thus so, he tries to share that with everyone. strangers are treated with compassion, acquaintances are treated as old friends, and friends are treated like family. unless kody already knows someone to be a bad person, or is wary of them, he’s genuinely one of the nicest people one could ever meet. Opinion of the Scooby Gang: talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it. Does the character hide their true opinions and emotions from others?: it depends on the topic, but for the most part, yes. when it comes to most scooby gang related endeavors, kody will share his thoughts -- if it’s something related to movies or tv, he’ll be talking your ear off for hours. if it’s something that could result in it hurting someone else, he’ll be quiet, and if his vampirism was ever to come into question, he’d be absolutely be suppressing it.  Most important person in character’s life: oh god, not to pick scooby gang favorites, but probably aj. she’s the closest thing he has to a sister, and he doesn’t know what he would do without their banter, and her support. Best friend/s: aj darke, dylan frye, & arabella byrne Dating experience: absolutely none. kissed 2 girls in the span of 2 years over 3 years ago. Romancing: kody wouldn’t know the first thing about trying to get someone to date him. all he knows is the stuff he’s seen on tv, watched in movies, or experienced around him ( such as his parents successful marriage, or his friends dating people ), but if it were to come down to him, he’d be extremely awkward. picture tom holland’s spiderman trying to talk to zendaya’s mj in far from home -- because that’s extremely accurate. kody isn’t trying to date anyone right now for a couple of reasons: one being that he’s too nervous, and not exactly looking for love, but if it were to happen... he wouldn’t run from it necessarily. but two being that his vampirism creates a bit of a problem for him, and he’s not sure if he should subject anyone to the curse he’s stuck with.

Extra Physicality: if necessary, could probably lift a car and throw it down the street. as of right now, doesn’t know how strong he really is / is more concerned about hurting his friends with this supposed strength than he is finding out how many hundreds of pounds he could lift. kody in a fight? probably losing within the first five seconds, unless bloods drawn and the instinct to pounce takes over. Species: vampire How do they feel about it?: hates it. would do anything to reverse it. wishes he had just stayed a little longer at karma cafe that night. or had never gone at all. How do they look in their supernatural form?: pretty much the same, however when he’s hungry and near blood, his eyes go all dark and bloodshot, and the veins around his eyes start to pulse ( basically just like vampire diaries ), but kody is unaware of this since he’s never seen it happen to himself or another vampire

[duckling-with-a-hat]

ok, so, completely randomly i was reading up about how school causes depression and anxiety in kids and teenagers, and I found this article (i’ll link it below), and at first I was like,

“oh, wow! Cool! It seems like they’re actually gonna explain why the school system works so horribly!”

And then, not even done with the summary, it says;

“In order to counteract adolescent depression in schools and the resulting stigma, teens and parents need to be educated about mental health. Thus, they will be better equipped to help others, offer support, and even save lives.” 

.... 

And, while this is true, it totally ignores the fact that the schools are causing these problems in the first place. 

It’s not the kid’s or parent’s fault that school is making them depressed. 

ITS THE SCHOOL’S FAULT

And it gets worse throughout the article, blaming kid’s cellphones and being “too protected” as reasons why they’re experiencing problems in school. While the article does list some reasons that could contribute to a teenager’s depression, it completely ignores the pressure put on the kids by the schools and parents. 

The article even mentions that 50% of teens feel like they’re addicted to their smartphones, without acknowledging the fact that most teens use their cellphones as ways of socialization, or even using them as coping mechanisms. Then, not even a paragraph later, the article says;

“Ultimately, the focus on screens and social media causes damage to relationships, education, and extracurricular activities. Thus, it can contribute to teen depression, as well as ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, and anxiety.”

Again, let me remind you what this article was supposed to be about; 

“adolescent depression in schools”

keywords; in schools

The article basically then goes on to blame it all on cellphones, peer pressure, and bullying. 

(this is turning into a rant, sorry)

They mention a project where a group of adults, posing as teens, went undercover in a highschool to learn what it’s like to be a teenager. And while I think this is a start to understanding teens, they only collected information about the social pressures of the highschool community. They also mentioned how the adults took classes with the teens, which doesn’t make sense. Of course, while it is important to observe the classroom atmosphere, they adults have already learned a lot of the stuff the classes are teaching. They also didn’t take into account the fact that kids had lives outside of school or things they didn’t feel comfortable sharing that could attribute to mental illness. I’ve actually noticed this a lot, when adults try to figure out why teens are doing so badly with their mental health, they immediately look at their social lives. I might be slightly biased, but I’m under the assumption that most of the problems are caused by the school and education system itself, not the kids social life (or lack thereof).

Schools in America nowadays are more focused on profit and reputation then kids’ mental and even physical health. If you don’t think this is true, look up the statistics for what schools tend to spend their money on, how many fundraisers schools have, and what kids are eating in their school lunches. 

Along with that, students face intense amounts of pressure from parents to get good grades and do well academically. While it is important that they’re learning, parent’s tactics tend to be abusive and uncaring, such as taking away devices and threatening teens with things like taking away their food and shelter, which, if you can imagine, isn’t going to help the kid do better in school. Tactics like these just cause even more stress, making school harder. Not to mention, most times that help is offered to the kids, it’s not necessarily benefited from. Like, for example, when parents try to help their kids with schoolwork, they tend to get frustrated if the kid doesn’t understand. A lot of children and teens are empathetic enough to realize that the adult is getting frustrated, which can make them feel guilty. Even worse, some parents will get so angry that they yell at their kids, accusing them of not paying attention in class, or not caring about their education, when in reality the information is delivered in a way that is too hard to process or just straight up not understandable. Teens might also be offered to study with a tutor, which, though it can genuinely help with improving grades, doesn’t solve the problems that were most likely there in the first place, like the extreme stress and anxiety. Furthermore, teenagers are basically taught that they only need to memorize information long enough to take a test, and not to retain it. Adding onto this, is the stress of knowing that they will soon have to basically decide their future, by choosing what to study and what college to go to. Not to mention all of the political bullshit happening, that they know greatly impacts their future (sorry for cursing, but I feel like it was justified here). Moving on,....

Another thing this article says is, 

“Today’s teens are more protected than in the past. Parents try to shield them from experiencing failure and disappointment. Therefore, teens often have fewer chances to build resilience. Thus, they don’t learn how to cope with challenges.”

I think basically any teenager in the american public school system would agree with me when I say ;

The schools are challenging teens too much.

Because, and any young people know this is true, the amount of information expected to be learned is much more now then it ever has been. And, yes, it’s because there’s always new things being discovered, but the schools are trying to teach all of it, and at the same pace as they taught 40 years ago. Along with this, some teens don’t feel comfortable talking about their issues with their parents, the few people they’re supposed to trust, due to past experiences. And even then, sometimes when they do work up the courage and tell their parents about how stressful their life is, the parents will dismiss their problems as complaints to get out of things they don’t want to do, or, even worse, use the whole “well, when I was your age....” shtick, which solves absolutely nothing.

Another thing the article forgets to mention is the fact that schools decrease a child’s creative development, by forcing them to push it aside for things more academic. Development of creative intelligence is just as important as academic intelligence- I’m not quiet sure how to explain this concept, but if you look up Eddy Zong’s TED talk, it is explained very well.

I’m not sure what else to say, besides that basically everything this article says comes from the viewpoint of adults who haven’t looked at the full picture, and end up blaming the issues onto the incorrect things.

Article in question 

(sorry this was so long, if you have any questions feel free to ask [also sorry this was kinda a bummer]. Bye now, and remember to do something that makes you happy today ^u^ )

[garetthawke]

my adhd could NEVER reach the level of bored ppl are claiming to be with this quarantine....like I've had to cope with being forcefully shut in since i was born and raised as a religiously sheltered homeschool kid, but with my adhd if i let myself get bored i would go insane. i was forced to figure out how to occupy myself without leaving my house, and idk it's just. there's so much you can actually do from home but ppl are making jokes about watching paint dry??

i wouldn't wish my childhood/circumstances on anyone but i also think it's a sad thing that so many people just don't know how to enjoy themselves at home or how to have fun on their own....like i consider that an essential life skill. as is being demonstrated now, it's something you will inevitably need to know how to do. and in my opinion and experience, your mental health can literally depend on it.

i use it as an adhd coping mechanism, but it probably would benefit everyone at this point to Make A Schedule. if you've got a list of items you need to do or want to do, it's going to be pretty hard to feel bored. it's easier to fall into boredom when you don't have that list at your disposal and either laziness or exec dysfunction blocks you from coming up with something to solve it. whether you go as far as putting times down to do it is up to you, but keeping busy is something that can easily be achieved with as little effort as writing down your daily chores and hobbies and keeping track that you do them.

and if you can't think up enough things to do in relaxation, do not underestimate what you can do with just the internet. there are nearly endless resources available for free - language learning tools, educational books, free fiction, free movies and shows, free music and art tutorials and loads of inspirational sources, etc.

we live in a world where capitalism has lied to people and told them the only things they have to occupy their lives is "productivity" (school/work,) until they die, leaving no time for people to find out otherwise. this is literally the perfect opportunity to break out of that, discover all the things capitalism hasn't made possible. learn to sew. start a garden. pick up color theory. study some philosophy. learn to read music.

there's SO MUCH the average person ought to have time for that's been stolen by capitalism and the lie that work is the only kind of productivity there is - it's not and it's essential people learn to function outside of that framework. life isn't supposed to be working all day with a handul of hours left to squeeze in some minor socialization. now is the time you all should be learning that fact, and taking advantage of it.

quarantine is obviously an extreme, and cutting off in person socialization only makes it worse - but that shouldn't be leading to the mass complaints of people literally not knowing what to do with themselves all day long. that's a really bad thing, and it scares me that nothing really might change once this is all over, because how many people will be convinced they need to turn back to capitalism to order their lives and occupy themselves rather than figuring out how they're supposed to be doing it themselves.

[psychoanthrowalker]

This is gonna be a long rant about my job. Sorry.

So, I have had suspicions for awhile, but I wanted to give this person who I work with the benefit of the doubt. But too many puzzle pieces are coming together for me to be able to ignore or excuse her. It's my first year teaching and this person is supposed to be my mentor teacher. She fucked me over by putting a lot of heavy hitters (behavioral problems) in my class and taking the best behaved students for herself.  She changed the lists that the previous grade level made last year and she gets away with it because she is really tight with the head principal.

At the beginning of the year, it became very clear that myself and another new teacher to the school (new to the school, not teaching) had the biggest heavy hitters (behaviors) and my mentor teacher had no really hard hitters. I went to administration after a few weeks because it was becoming unbearable (I had a pathologically manipulative kid, 2 kids who threw tantrums and needed to be dragged out of my room kicking and screaming, an EXTREMELY ADHD kid who is also extremely babyish and wanders off from the class, and a student who is very quietly but consistently defiant, IN ADDITION to all the other minor behavior issues). Point is, I clearly had the biggest behaviors dumped on me. Me, a first year teacher. I told some of the administrators about how there were too many heavy hitters for me to be able to teach anything because I was constantly putting out fires.

Before I had an incling that it was my mentor teacher who changed the class lists that the previous grade made last year, I would go to her room to cry and share my feelings. She seemed nice and empathetic.  Things slowly started changing after the other new teacher (new to the school) and I complained to admin about our classes and they agreed to talk about switching students around to other classes to lessen our load. My mentor teacher said to me, in tears (which I now know where crocodile tears) that she didn't know what people told me, but she wanted to tell me not to believe others who might tell me that she changed the original lists and that she is thick with the principal. At that time, I hadn't heard anyone say that. It wasn't until later that someone told me that.  In hindsight, it’s clear that she (my two-faced bitch of a mentor teacher) was trying to beat everyone else to the punch and try to get me (a naive first-year teacher) on her side.  It’s kind of like when a kid punches another kid on the playground, and that kid who threw the punch runs to the teacher first to say “I didn’t punch him!!”

Anyway, at first I was giving her the benefit of the doubt because that’s how I am and I also didn’t want to get drawn into any of the gossip or politics of the school.  Then I heard about how my mentor teacher used to be in the previous grade level, and that when she left those teachers threw a party to celebrate it. And how a reading coach requested to work with another grade level this because my mentor teacher was so disrespectful and mean towards her last year.  And the other teachers in my grade level (who have been here for years) mentioned how this happens to teachers who are new to this grade level at this school EVERY YEAR.  It ain’t no coincidence.  It’s also no coincidence that there were 2 openings in the grade level this year.  No one wants to work with that bitch.

I am just so angry about it because she is without conscience and she actually made me believe her at first.  When she came to me with her crocodile tears telling me not to believe what other people tell me about her, I actually hugged that bitch and I told her that I didn’t believe them!  I don’t understand the utter lack of conscience that a person would have to have in order to screw people over like that.  AND THIS BITCH IS MY MENTOR TEACHER!  And she’s fucking thick with the head principal so I can’t really say that I want another mentor teacher because she’s going to be pissed that she can’t get the continuing education points for being my mentor (when that lazy bitch hasn’t done anything for me in months).  This bitch shows up like 15 minutes before school starts and leaves about 15 minutes after school ends.  There’s never time for me to have an impromptu meeting with her before or after school, even if I wanted to at this point.  So this bitch is going to get all these continuing education points for doing jack shit and she fucking screwed me over to make her life easier.  I don’t know how she sleeps at night.  She’s an utter piece of trash.

If she says anything snarky to me, I have such a desire to say to her, “How about you teach my class for a week?  That way you get to experience your handiwork for yourself.”

It does give me satisfaction that right now, my mentor teacher probably knows that I know what she did.  I stick with the other teachers in my grade level and now we’re pretty much all against her.  She’s the odd one out (you reap what you sow BITCH) and hopefully that can help put her in her fucking place when she tries to pull shit.

[careforselfs]

Tips that changed my young life

Part  1 (one)

 As a kid with ADHD, sleep deprivation and a severe case of laziness, at one time in my life I had stressed myself out to the point where suicide was looking like a viable option. No young person should have to feel that way, especially if it’s because of preventable habits. Around the start of high school my time was spent being unproductive and feeling miserable. I had no motivation to get any work done, I was tired 24/7 but I hardly got any sleep, I was grumpy and depressed and unfocused, and my social life was suffering. Although these are still problems that I (and everyone on this planet) face, I’ve gotten a lot better at handling myself and I’ve stopped putting up with my own bullshit. Although not all of these tips are going to help/are practical for everyone, hopefully some tired and sickly kid like me will find this list and feel a lil more inspired to get the most out of life. 

1. Self-care isn’t what you think it is:

A few years back my idea of self-care was so skewed that my habits ended up doing more harm than good. Whenever I felt bad, I’d usually curl up in a blanket, watch some netflix or scroll tumblr, wallow in self-pity, and eventually fall asleep. While admittedly that is something we can all benefit from every once in a while, when that becomes a daily ritual is when it becomes counter-productive. Self-care is supposed to make you feel good; not only in the moment but in the long run too. Blanket pity cave feels great at the time, but when you finally emerge into the light you find that you’ve wasted time, you still feel sleepy, and nothing has been achieved. But what else could self-care possibly be?!?! you may ask. Well I hate to be the one to say it, but sometimes self-care is doing the last thing that you feel like doing. If you’re feeling tired and sad, often the best remedy is to go for a quick walk around the block. If you knew me at all, you would know that walks are not something I very much enjoy. Especially when I feel like curling up into a sleep-ball, exercise is the last thing I want, but the first thing I need. And I always end up feeling better in the end. And exercise isn’t the only form of self-care! It’s getting a glass of water even when you’re too tired to get up from the bed. Its doing your god-damn homework even when you’re so fucking sick of calculus oh my god I can’t even bare to look at it. Just do it. Even for, like, 10 minutes. Then take a break. It doesn’t seem like much but you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment and therefore feel more motivated. Please, just take this from me. Two years ago I would have laughed in your face if you had suggested this to me “I can’t do homework if I don’t feel like I can do it! Are you crazy? That's not how ADHD works!” Well suck it up kid. You gotta take care of yourself. Think long term!

2. Just ask for help:

I like to be independant. I like doing things by myself, without help, because that's what smart people do right? Wrooong. Nobody is born with the innate understanding of how to do everything. It’s a waste of time if you’re trying to get stuff done but you’re stuck because you don’t understand something, and instead of asking a simple question you stubbornly sit in your chair for hours wracking your brain for the answers when you know in your heart they aren’t there. Asking for help can be embarrassing, especially when you think the question is stupid or you think you should be able to do something by yourself. But teachers/parents/chaplains/whoever are usually more than happy to answer your questions, and will rarely think badly of you. They need help sometimes too! And help isn’t only for school work. At some point in time you’ll realize that you need mental health help, or physical help, or emotional help. Those aren’t things to be ashamed of. I used to/still have a lot of trouble getting motivated to complete basic tasks. Before I’d just sit on my ass and wait for the motivation to come naturally, but it never would. Finally I realized that if I simply asked my mom to help me (set a timer, check up on me, go through things step-by-step) I could... actually accomplish stuff. And yes, asking for help, especially for simple and “easy” tasks, is anxiety inducing. Sometimes I felt like a child, incapable and useless. But if you get help straight away, then you learn how to be independant sooner rather than later, and you’ll need less and less help. There’s really no shame in it. Everyone needs help at some point in their life. Everyone. 

3. Identify and treat any underlying health problems you may have:

I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade four, but it didn’t start to affect my life until high school. The second semester of grade ten I noticed my marks dropping an unusual amount, and I was struggling to stay motivated. I was tired, disoriented, grumpy, all the things I’ve listed above. Finally my mom took me to see my old psychiatrist, and she put me on medication. It took a very long time to find a combination of pills and coping strategies that worked for me, but now I find I’m able to cope a lot better. And I know that I’m not just lazy, or dumb, or useless. My brain is wired differently from the norm and I’m not able to function well in the environment that modern society has created. And now that I know that I’m able to adapt. And mental health problems aren’t the only health problems that can affect your outlook on life. For a long time after I had settled on the right meds, I was still feeling tired and hazy. I was weak and pale, had absolutely no strength or energy, and fell asleep so uncontrollably that I started to wonder whether I was narcoleptic. After a blood test to check if I could start new medication, it was discovered that my iron levels were non-existent. All my symptoms were symptoms of low iron. It was such a simple and common health problem, but it had gone undiagnosed for so long that it had started to severely affect my life. I started supplements and added iron-rich foods to my diet, and two years later I’m a completely different person. I can go for hikes. I can wake up early and not feel tired. I have the energy to do whatever I put my mind to, and even my thinking is clearer. Don’t just chalk up all your problems to “I, as a person, just suck.” Sometimes, our “quirks” or “faults” are actually symptoms. 

4. Love unconditionally: 

This tip doesn’t focus on you, but your perception of others. My whole life I’d been in a toxic friendship. My best friend didn’t treat me or others well, but she was all I’d known and therefore I didn’t know any better. She was extremely quick to judge others, on their clothes, hair, and personality. If someone did something she didn’t like, no matter how small, she’d cut them off completely. After a while I learned to think and act the same way, and eventually, to our surprise, we ended up with no friends but each other. I just thought that people were mean. That I was better than them. I understood how the world worked and everyone else was immature, and not worth my time. Unconsciously I ended up judging people by their flaws. I’d disregard all their good traits, their kindness, their loyalty; I’d look through all of that to see only their faults. And nobody is perfect, so I had no friends! My “friend” had even higher standards than I did, so naturally I was cast aside after 10 years of loyal friendship. I was shook, to say the least, and I started to reevaluate how I viewed people. All along I’d obviously known that everyone makes mistakes, you should love people with their flaws, blah blah blah, but I actually started to put that mindset into practice. And I discovered a world full of beautiful, beautiful people. I began to realize that if a friend did or said something I didn’t like, I could still be friends with them. We didn’t have to agree. Sometimes people say or do stupid things. Sometimes people have outbursts, take all their anger out on you. Sometimes they can be unkind or unloyal or untrustworthy. But those things don’t define them. For all their flaws, they have 100 more beautiful traits. You shouldn’t let their problems outshine who they really are. And that’s what I’d been doing! I missed out on so many wonderful friendships because I couldn’t get over the fact that sometimes people aren’t 100% awesome. They can make mistakes and it’s alright! Sometimes they even make big mistakes! And that’s alright too! You can work past them together. I find that when someone is shown unconditional love, instead of taking advantage of you like you might think they would, they tend to become more appreciative of your friendship, and become a more confidant person. But it’s important to remember that it’s also ok to cut toxic people out of your life. Sometimes, for no reason at all, you won’t get along with someone. Your personalities just don’t mesh, or some of their traits just rub you the wrong way. You’re not obligated to be friends with everybody. You don’t have to hate these people, remember they have good things inside them as well, but you also don’t have to devote any of your time to them. It’s also important to remember that some mistakes are just unforgivable. It doesn’t matter what it is, but if someone does something that affects you so much that you don’t know if you could handle keeping them in your life, it’s ok to let them go. You can’t say “it’s fine whatever” when in reality you’re going to suffer. Sometimes, people’s negative traits can outshine their positives in your life. They might not be a bad person, but they can be a bad person for you. All in all, I find that it’s easier to just accept people. I have sooo many more friends now. I’ve been exposed to different types of thinking and different ways of being, and I’ve only become a better person because of it. 

[dredshirtroberts]

Been a while since I went on and on about my family.

Probably because shit’s been kinda crazy in my life and frankly there’ve been other things to consider.

I have very, very complex feelings about my family.

I love them, dearly, with all my heart. They claim to do the same to me, and sometimes they do things that prove it. Sometimes they say things that make me think if I ever were to open up completely to them I would no longer be loved. They have helped me and protected me during rough times in my life and I will be forever grateful to them. They have also caused me harm and trauma and seeded deep seated anxieties and complexes that will cause me distress for some time yet as I work my way through all of it. They are also, undeniably human, and for that I cannot find it in me to dislike them for their faults. Much.

Because of the trauma and hurt I’ve been through - whether sourced from them or not - it is incredibly easy for manipulative people to latch onto my insecurities and my anger and turn that into something they can use to isolate me from the people I am closest to both genetically and emotionally, thus making it easier to hurt me differently, more.

This has happened at least twice that I’m aware of. Once with a former best friend who I don’t know intended to be as manipulative and abusive as she is/was but intent doesn’t really matter I suppose. The second time was with my ex-partner I left this past April. 

To my eyes it always appeared that my younger sister was the favorite of my parents, and to my sister I appeared the favorite, so we were essentially pitted against one another in a competition we never signed up for - and I believe this was done completely unintentionally. The constant struggle to be “good enough” for our parents’ approval placed us in the unfortunate position of being 2 hormonal teenagers within 3 years of age difference stuck in the same house 24/7. We were constantly fighting - screaming matches designed to hurt. Wild swings meant to intimidate but not connect because if I connected there’d be hell to pay. (I connected a punch at least once, and that’s just the one I remember because it was relatively traumatizing not only to her but to myself because I never actually wanted to hit her). She and I have mostly gotten through the misunderstanding of our motivations from that time period. She struggled because I was the “good kid” who never did anything wrong - even though she knew better. And she was talented and beautiful and got compliments on everything - even though I saw her handheld through some of the things I was forced to do on my own. It was very fraught, and honestly there were things that should have been done better but none of us knew what we were doing.

My parents meant well with everything. They tried not to play favorites but they were both older children determined not to let their oldest child feel like they had - and in doing so had caused their youngest to feel ostracized and like she would never be enough because I had the benefit of the doubt on my side. Confirmation bias - the oldest kid wasn’t in the wrong all the time, which meant I was never in the wrong because they hadn’t been in the wrong all the time (they thought). This was the wrong way to handle it but I don’t think I would have done any better.

They took us out of Public Schooling to homeschool when I was 12 and my sister was 9. They meant to make sure that we were getting the attention we needed in order to succeed. I’d been in the gifted program and was still bored, and my sister was being sidelined because she was placed in That classroom of her peers - the one filled with all the kids who were constantly in trouble, and with the teacher who probably didn’t need to be a teacher anymore. So they thought they would do a better job. My dad worked full time initially so he was gone a lot. My mom tried to teach but she is not a teacher. She is an excellent scholar and does very well with knowing things. If you know things on the same level she does? Great to talk to and debate with. If you’re not there yet? Forget it, you’re going to have to find someone else to teach you. My sister required a lot more attention as she was the squeaky wheel - she wouldn’t read because she finds it incredibly difficult (I’m pretty sure we’ve got some level of dyslexia, and hers is worse than mine). She was very good at math though, which my mother loved because my mother loves math. She picked my mom’s favorite foreign language to learn because it was relevant to her own interests and my mom latched on. 

I could read 5 books in a week, write pages and pages of stories, and would research like no one’s business. But I could not figure out math, I wouldn’t put the research into a paper, my stories were not for parental consumption, and I didn’t want to read the books I was supposed to be reading (they were incredibly boring, I stand by my decisions). But none of this interested my mother except in telling me how I was failing, so I was left to my own devices, sitting alone in my bedroom surrounded by my schoolbooks and doing nothing I was supposed to. It was a very artistically productive time in my life. When I got a laptop later in my teens, forget school work at all, nothing got done. I technically did not graduate high school and I only “passed” the assessment tests because I test incredibly well.

So I was alone for a very long time during the day until “my” parent got home from work. Cause I was Dad’s kid and my sister was my mom’s kid, as described above. But I couldn’t get into computers and programming the way my dad wanted me to - my sister was actually into more of the same interests as him, but they Do Not get along. Yes present tense. They do well in short periods of time but they are not ever going to be close-close. My mom and I are cut from the same nerd cloth and I thought at one point I’d maybe found a way into her heart by starting her going to a local comic convention with me. We did an annual day out just the two of us for a good couple years. I think I learned something the one time she tried to bring my dad and sister with us (neither of whom was in any way shape or form excited about the endeavor, and in fact both hated it immensely). We stopped going as regularly after that and haven’t been back since. That...that one still hurts so I’m going to try not to pick open that scab right now.

I spent a lot of time alone. I was trying to figure myself out. I was about 16 when I realized I was not a Girl. I’m actually still fairly certain my initial assessment is correct and actually I am a guy. I just...can’t do anything about it right now and honestly I’ve gotten used to existing as I am so I’m just going to keep on keeping on. It might change again, it’s been known to do that. I don’t know if it’s a natural thing for me or if it’s something that is induced by outside stressors but I’ll just continue existing and we’ll see how it goes.

My mental illnesses were ignored for the most part. Teenage Angst was what my depression was, I’d grow out of it. Normal was what my anxiety was determined to be (hmm, my Super Anxious mother saying my anxiety is just normal life? sounds fake but okay). ADHD? That’s something that kids with less attentive parents have, and since mine were super attentive - I was being homeschooled after all - I clearly could not have that. Plus it was fake, and if I wasn’t so lazy and unmotivated I wouldn’t have a problem. Also I didn’t know anything about ADHD so that was definitely not something I had. The fact that I definitely wanted to kill myself and frequently wanted to die and didn’t think I’d live past 18? I didn’t talk about that. No one knew because depression wasn’t real and if I said anything I was just “crying out for help” and clearly that was only what whiny brats did when they felt the world wasn’t being handed to them on a silver platter. 

I self-harmed intentionally for the first time at 14. I have done so infrequently since then. When I reached drinking age, I developed a mild problem - but I didn’t think anything of it because it was encouraged and supported by my family who didn’t know I was using it to cope with the fact that I still felt like dying but now was older than I ever thought I’d be and didn’t know where my life was going. I used pot as a way to escape with my first IRL friend in 7 years. She used it against me as a way to make me easier to manipulate and keep complacent. I let her.

I spent 4 years in a weird haze of things I don’t really remember very well or remember extremely clearly. I was constantly anxious and upset, and I still felt like dying but at least I wasn’t alone anymore. She constantly berated my sister (which I hated and promised never to let anyone else do ever again - which I then broke later but, well, I’m going to be better now). My family didn’t like her, which she used to pit me against them saying they only wanted to isolate me from others again. This is the same time I came to Tumblr and started learning about abuse cycles and signs. It took me a while to stop only attributing them to the way my family worked (not always abusive) and start comparing the lists to her behavior towards me (usually abusive). 

I finally realized something was wrong with all of it when I was introduced to a group of people in whom I found several new family members. If you’re reading this, you’re statistically one of those people so you already know what I’m talking about. This ex-friend of mine introduced me to the group and I was shocked at how people could positively support one another and be genuinely interested in my health and wellbeing and also the things I enjoyed all at the same time.

I met a guy through them and with his support and everyone else’s I left the manipulation and abusive behavior of this ex-friend behind. The relationship with the guy lasted 6 months and honestly I’m impressed we got that far now that I think back on it (note to self, if he’s named himself after war machinery it probably won’t work very long). It was the longest I’d ever been out with anyone, my previous record being 2 weeks. 2 months after the end of that relationship and I met my now ex-partner.

I won’t rehash that disaster. It was 4.5 years of slow build up to the shitshow that actually started in December of last year and culminated in April of this year. He used the same tactics against me as my ex-friend did. Slowly pull me away from my support system (who I was already farther away from than I’d been with Her). Remind me that they’d hurt me and that their attempts to hold on to me were to keep me away from others. Hide that he was trying to do the same himself, isolate me from my support system and give me a support system that already backed him up and would side with him no matter what. Use physical intimidation (whether intentional or not he did it, and it was new so I wasn’t prepared) to remind me that I was not in any position of power. Berate my sister, avoid my family, use their attempts to show me that he was in the wrong to prove they were in the wrong.

I swear to god the very next time someone else calls my sister a bitch I am throwing hands and getting the fuck out immediately because I Will Not.

It’s happened twice now and I’ve let it happen both times. It’s not fair to her and honestly it’s not even true. She’s...difficult to deal with, and sometimes she does things in a manner that doesn’t...make much sense to me but she’s not a bitch. She’s a woman who is extremely opinionated and has very strong views on How Things Should Be. She’s not bigoted or hateful which frankly is a surprise considering our upbringing. But she’s not a bitch.

Speaking of our upbringing, I guess I should mention I was raised in a politically conservative, right-wing household. There are certain radio talk-show hosts whose introduction jingles make me think of summertime and relaxation because that’s when I’d be listening to them the most thanks to my mom always having them on the radio during their broadcast times. The Liberals (tm) were Bad and the Republicans were the only hope our country had. The Gays were an evil to be endured but god forbid they get any rights or freedoms, and also women are completely equal to men and racism was abolished before my dad was born so it’s fine now. 

We weren’t super Christian - not until later anyway. We went to church on Sundays, and even then Dad took several years off where he just never went to a service. We listened to Punk music and pretended we were on the right side of things, and sometimes we listened to heavier stuff because Satan was bad but not that bad and also probably not real because Christianity isn’t a big deal it’s just important because Reasons (tm). We only prayed before big holiday meals and even then it was more lip service than anything. A tradition of Things You Do. I had friends who were way more performatively Christian than my family and I didn’t really think anything of it.

Of course now my dad’s part of one of those neo-baptists mini-megachurch cults (my bad, I did introduce him to it after I spent a summer in Louisiana) and he’s become weirdly open to things like Neurodivergence and Mental Illness but has regressed on the trans* and gay issues to, like, all the way back: “He’s just confused why does any guy want to wear a dress” and “she’s got a wife and I guess that’s fine because she’s an alright person but gay people shouldn’t get married or exist”. I vaguely know their stance on reproductive rights because we never actually discussed sex despite my dad and I communicating frequently in bawdy jokes and quotes from movies I shouldn’t have seen as young as I was when I saw them, but I told them at one point I was on birth control and I think my mom had a mini aneurism because she just kind of froze for a minute. It’s definitely not a favorable view but I mean...I can’t convince them to care about people who aren’t them and who experience the world differently from them so I mean

Mm and they’ve recently become gun owners which was a surprise. We never owned a gun, we never really talked about guns or gun ownership except as a political thing. Dad kinda mentioned it a little bit sometimes? that he’d one day like a gun but it was always a distant future sort of thing. And now they both have concealed carry licenses, my mom has a purse with a hidden compartment and a lock, they go out to the shooting range for dates together, and my dad went on his first deer hunt this year for a work retreat thing (?????? don’t ask me, I honestly don’t know or understand why that was a thing). 

I held a gun one time and it was horrible and I hated it. It wasn’t loaded or anything but it was heavy as fuck and I was so uncomfortable I immediately handed it back as soon as its owner was done with whatever he was trying to prove to me (it was first boyfriend war machinery name guy...again, every time i look back at that relationship I still don’t know how we managed to keep our shit together for 6 whole months. it was not my best decision but considering the other decisions i’ve made regarding relationships, I suppose it could have been worse). 

Anyway, I forget where I was supposed to be going with all of this. I think I was just explaining that my feelings about my family are complicated and uncomfortable? And I think the main thing I got out of this (which is a good thing, don’t worry) is that I am not going to let anyone else in my life determine my relationship with my parents and my sister ever again and anyone who tries to manipulate that (even with good intentions, it’s still none of their business) is a bad fit for me and needs to go.

Oh yeah, I guess this is also me coming out to y’all who are reading this: I think I’m a guy. I’ll let you know if my pronouns or anything change but right now I’m pretty much still coming to terms with the gender bit. It’s been a while since I properly explored my gender shit so we’ll see how it goes.

[hooking]

1, 8, 15, 18, 30, 33, 39 for Peter

Felix Ik u love Peter but also... wow.

1. How do they move and carry themselves? Pace, rhythm, gestures, energy?

Highly energetic in the way he conducts himself, bordering on manic in some extreme cases. Sometimes doesn’t quite measure the level of intensity in his responses. Walks fast and confidently but can be prone to clumsiness. Also constantly moving even if supposed to be still -- fidgeting, worrying over his hands, items he has on his person. Even if he is fully still body wise, he’s always looking everywhere, always trying to take in new information through sight. Comes across as highly enthusiastic, which he is. Gestures a lot with his hands and forgets about personal space all too often. 

8. Where and when do they seem most and least at ease? Why? How can you tell?

Most at ease: the (his) lab, classrooms, his apartment, his room, open spaces like parks probably. Least at ease: bosses’ offices, meeting rooms, CT and MRI scanners, planes, and other contained environments where the space is restricted. The former have to do with them being places he knows and is always frequenting, the latter with the idea of having to deal with authorities in some form and the prospect of screwing up somehow (either by saying the wrong thing or allowing his naturally defiant personality to take over him), and also with a sense of claustrophobia and, similarly, paranoia. You can tell because usually, with Peter, you can gauge mood (except anger) fairly easily, especially anxiety. He will try to hide it via either talking a lot or not at all; it depends on the place. His forced casualness is an easy tell, nevertheless. 

15. What kind of inner life do they have — rich and imaginative? Calculating and practical? Full of doubts and fears? Does it find any sort of outlet in their lives?

Vibrant and creative and brimming with questions and possible answers, ideas and possibilities -- as well as just a lot of useless crap. Peter is always thinking about several things at once and often getting lost in said thoughts, especially when he hyperfixates on something. That’s not to say he can’t get bored -- when he is bored, it’s an almost painful state of being -- but usually he will manage a way to stay busy and avoid that. If he allows himself to be still, six times out of ten, the doubt usually reserved for the back of his head will take over. Peter is secretly filled with a lot of insecurities and self-hatred, which he ignores via constant activity. It’s not exactly healthy, but it gets him by. 

His main outlet is work, be it professional or personal. He’s always got a handful of projects at any given time on top of his job as TA or assistant or researcher or professor, depending on the time.

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why?

Well actually he gets married and has kids :+) but also, he becomes a professor of Biochemistry and a researcher of his own right in the area of Biotechnology, among a lot of other things. He also gets proper treatment for his ADHD and all around becomes a lot healthier as an individual. This is his canon fate and it’s the path I personally prefer, but there’s others, explored especially in AUs, that are also interesting, but similar. His worst possible fate I’d say, is him developing an addiction of some sort, but I haven’t explored nor want to explore such an element (especially considering that with Vrej’s whole clusterfuck of a situation, Peter’s wary about drugs, so it’s just unlikely yk).

30. What is their preferred level of activity and stimulation? How do they cope if they get either too little or too much?

As I mentioned above, he’s high energy and needs a lot of stimulation, and he doesn’t cope well with too little of it. Worst case scenario, he spirals. Best case scenario, he’s gonna go nag someone into giving him attention and doing something with him, usually Charles.

33. How do they learn about the world–what is their preferred learning style? Hands-on learning with trial and error? Research, reading, and note-taking? Observation or rote memorization? Inductive or deductive reasoning? Seeking patterns and organization? Taking things apart and putting them back together? Creative processing via discussing, writing about, or dramatizing things?

Hands-on, trial and error, research, observation, both deductive and inductive reasoning, constantly seeking patterns, taking ideas apart via discussion and writing about them. He’s a scientist (as he will cheerfully let you know), and an inventor and a programmer, and he learns best via doing or experimenting. He can read and take in info that way but it will not be engaging for him (also really important to note that if something isn’t naturally an interesting topic for him it’ll be very hard for him to go about learning), and his mind will often wander. Rigid, strict methods restrain him, he needs the freedom to go his own way about doing things, and making mistakes along the way.  Similarly he learns best via debate, via just talking a lot about a topic until it sticks, seeing all the angles of something in order to fully grasp it, questioning everything -- things like that. 

39. What sort of questions or thoughts recur in their lives, either specifically or as a theme? Why are these never answered, or answered permanently to their satisfaction?

Why his brain works the way it does and not differently, can he make it work differently, would that help, or similarly, how can he help himself -- questions like that pushed him into his fields of interest. He does get semblance of answers, but they’re imperfect, which prompts him to try to answer them himself, better. Eventually a more benevolent version of the question arises: how can he help others. It further influences and gives him direction in life. It makes him work toward other people’s benefit and wellbeing. 

On an even more sentimental level, why people don’t stick around in his life, and a seemingly unquenchable need for love, attention, affirmation and validation directly related to the question, are both constant thoughts that recurrently pop into his brain whenever he isn’t careful enough. They’re not answered because he doesn’t allow himself to ask them aloud in the first place, at least so far, and even then I doubt any answer would really actually satisfy him. 

[camphalforacle]

more pjo au!!!

Aight we’re going with Pidge this time!! find the first part here

Ok so Katie Holt and her brother Matt never knew that they were demigods

They’re father, an astrophysicist, knew they were, but wanted to shield them from the dangerous world and raised them as mortals (though he does keep contact with the demigod world)

While Sam Holt knew demigods weren’t supposed to use phones, he didn’t think other technology could pose that much of a problem and since both of his kids passion lied in computers and technology, he really couldn’t stop their use (and even if he tried they were much too smart to just listen and not find an alternative way to fiddle around with the latest gadgets)

Also, Katie and Matt were both homeschooled

Sam really didn’t care about a traditional education for his kids because he knew from early on they were both grade-A geniuses and that the traditional school system wouldn’t benefit them (they both adhd, but only Matt had dyslexia- him and Katie built a special computer/gadget/thingy that helps him to read things more clearly,  etc as working with binary and reading long manuals and scientific workings posed difficulties for a major techy)

So Katie and Matt grew up extremely close- they were both fascinated with space and spent most of their time just learning about all different science subjects and buildling supercomputers and satellites in their bedroom to prove aliens existed

However, Katie noticed by the time she was 10 and Matt was 14 that her dad began acting weirdly and became really overprotective

She could actually pinpoint the day when he started acting like this

remember how i said Sam Holt remained in contact with the demigod world?

ok so it was a couple weeks after her birthday and around 3 in the morning. Normally she was asleep by then, but she had thought she heard a signal from her “alien tracker” so stayed up longer to see if she’d hear it again

She was laying in the darkness waiting for any indication of life in outer space when she heard the front door opening

quietly she crept downstairs to find a teenager with a scar across his nose and a tuft of white hair talking with her father, both looking grave

after that it was like her father went haywire for no reason

He kept keeping Katie and Matt from working on their inventions and instead had them reading more than ever and barely even let them go to the grocery store

Katie finally understood why when she was 11

In the middle of the night an intruder came into her home and kidnapped her father and brother, her father was only able to save her and tell her some coordinates before hiding her away in a cupboard and looking for her brother next, he didn’t get there in time to warn Matt

So she did the only thing she could do and went to the coordinates her dad had told her

She was shaken and unbelievably scared and really just didn’t know what to do

And that’s how she wound up at the Garrison

There she reinvented herself as Pidge, before arriving she had cut her hair (the long locks were constantly getting in the way of her working) and started wearing Matt’s clothes (... she just really missed him)

She didn’t want to be Katie at the Garrison. Katie was a person meant only for her family. Katie didn’t exist without them. So she was Pidge

Pidge only told Coran about her brother and father at first, not wanting anyone to know about the horrors of what happened to her

He explained more about the demigod world to her and it was revealed she was a child of Athena (surprise surprise)

He sent out older demigods on secret quests to find her family, but none of them worked

despite her protests she was quickly taken under the wing of Lance McClain, a 14 year old son of Aphrodite from Cuba and his best friend Hunk Garret, son of Demeter

she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t thankful for Lance and Hunk’s friendship

at first she acted really aloof and standoffish to them but that was only because she was focusing all her energy on finding her family, which she didn’t want them to know

but after only a few months of being friends she found herself telling them everything, especially after Lance talked to her softly like he had done with his younger siblings, knowing that everything was not ok with Pidge

Lance and Hunk were so supportive of her and vise versa

They were relentless in trying to find her family and she paid them back by baking cookies with Hunk and aiding Lance in his rivalry against Keith

But... they never did find Sam and Matt Holt

after two years Pidge finally accepted that she wasn’t going to find them

And it was really hard

but her friends were there for her and eventually it got better, not great, but still better

Little did she know that three years later when she was 16, that the next great prophecy calling for her and five other demigods would bring her closer to her family then she would realize...

[deadlydagger]

THE SWEATER

 I walked through the front door, expecting to see my house as it had always been, a serene setting of spiritual and physical warmth, security and protection from the outside world. As I closed the door, something appeared that was not only unexpected, but presented the stark reality as to how my life had permanently changed. My daughter’s blue sweater was lying on the back of the sofa, not placed there precisely as it was meant to be but awkwardly like it was a last minute thing forgotten about. It then hit me like a ton of bricks. She had left the sweater, perhaps inadvertently, as a marker that she was leaving, not only the sweater, but our house and our life together as we had known it. And the life that I had known for 25 years as the father of three terrific human beings.

Of what value is a simple sweater? Obviously, it can supply warmth on a frigid winter day. Even on warmer days it has cosmetic benefit for those who are vain enough to feel the need for it. A sweater, thrown haphazardly on the back of a sofa, has little to offer other than bringing to mind fond memories, heartache and a future yet to be lived.

It all started in 1969 when my older son, Chris, was born. A game changer for sure. After 90 days, I began to realize why some fathers left home after a child was born. Too much to handle, they say, to justify an unforgivable act of abandonment. But the sleepless nights and the radical change of schedule finally passed; life went on and eventually portended a new and exciting existence.

Two years later, Mike was born. Now THAT was an experience. Thirteen months passed before he slept through the night. You think Chinese water torture or waterboarding was rough? Not even close. How bad was I growing up to deserve this punishment?

Five years later, a daughter, Katy, was born. I had missed much of the boys’ early life due to business commitments which I mistakenly valued as more important than dealing with home life. When Katy’s mother became pregnant, I realized that a new opportunity to be a good father was in the offing. And I committed myself to the task. The blur of the previous 5-7 years wiped out what should have been treasured years as I missed this formative time with my two sons. The Good Lord had given me another chance and I was not about to squander it. When Katy was three, it seemed like my memory was incapable of recalling life before she was born.

Recognizing that I had not been a devoted father before Katy was born, I committed myself to the task of being a better father to all three of the kids. In 1984, the mother of the three children and I split up, the children being left in my care, other than for visitations allowed with their mother. Now the real job of parenting hit me like a ton of bricks. While the organization of the household generally improved, the load placed upon me was enormous. Looking back, it is hard to comprehend how difficult it was and how I possibly could have been up to the task. My parents helped out and my sister-in-law, Neill Ann, was a Godsend in emergencies. After a year had passed, I was able to hire a wonderful woman, Pearl Wiegand, who came in at 3pm three days a week, did the laundry and cooked the dinner. That way, when the children and I arrived at home around 7pm, we could sit down and eat, as opposed to my having to start the dinner, eat and then do the dishes, which previously, before Pearl, would take well into the evening.

The largest obstacle to running the household properly was knowing of and coordinating various commitments that each of the kids had. I finally figured out that I needed a huge calendar to hang in the kitchen, which displayed each and every obligation that all of us had, including me. So we could not pass by the calendar without all of us knowing exactly where each of us was supposed to be and when we were supposed to be there. Katy was seven when the split occurred and her birthday party obligations to her classmates were prolific. Many a time it was about 8pm or a little later that she advised me of a birthday party that was to occur the next day. This entailed going to some store that sold gifts for little girls late in the evening, getting a card, and wrapping the gift so that it would be ready to go when she was leaving for school the next morning. After a few of these episodes, I took Katy to Service Merchandise and we bought about 10-15 stuffed animals so that we would be ready to go at a moment’s notice when birthdays occurred. Since we now had the calendar, emergencies were less prevalent but when they did occur, we were ready.

When the split occurred, Chris was 14 and in first year of high school, Mike was 12 and in seventh grade and Katy was 7 in second grade. Obviously, they all had school age commitments and social commitments as well. Grading periods came and went, most of which required some input from me to school officials or from school officials to me. There were more contacts than I would have liked and some of these were somewhat acrimonious. There were a couple of teachers that the boys had who lacked a bare modicum of common sense along with other failures of good teaching. I was not able to correct this problem before the boys graduated. I had much better luck with the teachers that Katy had. To this day I do not know with any degree of certainty whether this had to do with the caliber of the teachers or the caliber of the student(s).

One teacher, who taught Chris in fifth grade, was very sincere and tried her best to teach Chris and the other kids in the class. But Chris was what we would now call ADHD, although not clinically so. He was very active to the extent that chaos reigned in the room, and Chris always seemed to be in the eye of the storm. I was opposed to medicating him or any child but a solution needed to be crafted for the benefit of Chris, the teacher and the rest of the class. Chris was quite a good swimmer and his uncle was the coach of the Columbus Academy swim team where Chris was in school. The swim team practiced at 6:30am and had breakfast in the school cafeteria after practice. Chris’ uncle was willing to have Chris practice with the swim team with a twofold goal: improve Chris as a swimmer and provide an outlet for his over-abundant energy. So we got the poor kid up at 5:30am every school day and I drove him to swim practice. A snail could have made it from my car to the school natatorium faster than Chris as he trudged along. After six weeks of this torture, we had another meeting with his teacher who was overjoyed. Her smile beaming, she said that Chris was now her favorite student; he was just so, so tired!!

Chris growing up was like my own early life being replicated before my very eyes and gave me some insight into how patient my parents must have been. Traffic tickets, car accidents, and school expulsions were the order of the day in my teenage years. The school had a mini-bio on each graduating senior in 1957 and mine simply said: “The boy whose car has no steering wheel.” Very apropos. All was not bad though. Out of 72 graduating seniors, I was the absolute TOP man in the bottom fifth of the class! But I made it, thank the Good Lord.

Chris and Mike, having been bitter enemies in their early growing up years, became fast friends in high school. This was quite a relief after wondering for years if their lives would end with a shootout or a machete slashing. Most days after school the boys had athletic practice and I had to go to Gahanna after work to pick them up. This added about 30 minutes to my long workday but I had no choice. One of their classmates, Maurice Saah, typically would not have a ride home and he lived near Northland shopping center. Courtesy and respect mandated that we take Maurice home. However this required us to drive into the area of the shopping center, which entailed heavy traffic and was quite a bit out of our way. This added an additional 30 minutes to what would have been only a 20-minute drive otherwise. As I approached the school, I fervently prayed that Maurice would not be there with Chris and Mike so that we would just have a quick jaunt but, alas, he was there 90% of the time. I typically would have music playing on the radio, something classic, soft and smooth, sounding good after a long work day, which the boys always objected to as they felt that their music was clearly superior. After the boys moaned and griped about my music, I suggested that Maurice decide what music would be most appropriate. Maurice without hesitation always replied: “I like your music Mr. Connor.” As tired as I always was, and as much as I wished that I could go straight home from work, looking back, I treasure those trips with all three of them and would give anything to have just one more ride with them, all the while playing Maurice’s favorite music.

Between birth and age 18, Chris had 8, yes 8, fractures in bones from the tip of his right fingers to his right shoulder. While this is hard to believe, it is absolutely true and proves what a high pain threshold he has. One of the fractures was to his right upper arm and it was compound. Jack Unverferth, his orthopedic surgeon, advised me that he had to maneuver the upper arm to insert it so that it would fit together normally with the stump of the arm coming out of the shoulder. He said that he did this without any kind of anesthetic and Chris handled it without complaint. Jack had performed this maneuver many times and was astounded that he was able to do this with Chris taking it like a walk in the park.  

Chris finished high school and matriculated at Ohio State. There were few more dismal days in my life than that day that I had to take Chris to the dormitory, which was one of the two towers at Ohio State. When I say towers, skyscraper is more apropos. It was more like a 10 story dungeon than dormitory and it was extremely austere. Chris had always been a pretty tough kid, able to deal with any adversity, but this was pretty rough on his old Dad, to leave him there among what appeared to be a pretty rough crowd. When I returned to my car, I was lower than a snake’s belly. Today, at Ohio State, dorms include workout facilities, cooking facilities, a swimming pool and other amenities. My kids were born 30 years too soon.

Human life is a saga, regardless of who you are or what you do. Being a parent is a saga multiplied by one thousand. No one gets a pass. We all have our crosses to bear. Sometimes the child and the parent both bear the same cross. Mike, being the inventive genius that he is, had murals on all four walls of his bedroom and a burglar alarm on his door to keep his siblings out. As the summer wound down in 1990 and he was preparing to leave for college, he devised a replica of an Ohio Driver license. This was not with the intent of defrauding the government but simply the challenge of creating the document that looked real. Mike photographed the document and took the film to the store to have it developed. (This was prior to cell phones).  Apparently the local shop that developed the film that he took it to did not get the humor of the situation and called the cops, whose sense of humor was even less apparent. And Mike’s sense of humor was non-existent when the cops took him away in handcuffs. His father’s humor was transformed into rage when he had to go to the cop shop to get his son released. This episode was part of some of the darkest days of parenting that I experienced. It turned out ok for all of us but was bad news while it lasted.

Two instances challenged Mike’s integrity and commitment to honesty. One involved tampering with a photo of Marilyn Monroe that had been hung in the school hallway as part of a 1950’s display.  The photo was modified by some students to expose her breasts. Mike was present when this was done but was not the main perp. When the felony was exposed, Mike admitted his role in it but would not disclose the identities of the others, who lied about their role. The middle school head punished all of the kids equally, while Mike felt that he should get some credit for being honest from the beginning. I spoke to the head and advised him that he committed a major mistake by not rewarding a student for a two-fold value system involving both honesty to authority and loyalty to his friends. This caused Mike to question the ability of authority figures to render just verdicts.

The other situation was when Mike was involved in a game wherein one of his classmates was injured. An insurance settlement was at issue depending on how the facts played out. Several of the participants misrepresented the facts to favor the settlement. Mike knew that the actual facts did not support the settlement. An attorney tried to get Mike to change his story but he refused, regardless of the amount of pressure put upon him.

While Mike was a little guy, who could predict that his chosen profession would be related to the computer industry. When he was nine years old, his brother, cousin and he went to a weeklong computer seminar in Cleveland. I took the three of them to the seminar on Sunday and went to get them the following Saturday. Mike wanted to stay for another week but the other two had had enough and were ready to go home. I inquired of the school whether I could leave him there for another week but was advised that he was welcome for anther week but I would have to take him home and return him the next day, which I did. Well it turned out that the teachers recruited Mike to assist them in teaching the curriculum to the new kids that came that week. This portended a potential career but most of us just assumed that it was a childhood fixation that would subside with maturity.

Enter Mr. Winslow, one of Mike’s teachers at Academy. Fortunately or unfortunately, Mike knew more about computers than Mr. Winslow, who was non-plussed by Mike’s challenge to his authority. So more trips to the school to try to smooth out this relationship. Mike got through the class but not without some scars, which I tease him about to this day.

Mike went to Miami in Ohio and this was a much more refreshing venue than what Chris had. His dorm was bright, well lighted and he was on a low floor where you could see the grass outside without looking through a telescope. Mike had some setbacks at Miami, primarily with lodging and fraternity issues but overall had a great education there, which allowed him to succeed in his chosen field.

In spite of his austere living conditions in his first year of college, Chris survived and flourished at least socially if not academically. He had always been a survivor, taking life as it came and college was no exception. However, his grade point after his first year had more decimal points than numbers in it. So we had a heart to heart talk. The upshot of that was that I would not pay any more tuition until his grades were at least passing. The risk to me was that he would say “sayonara,” never to be seen again. I gulped a few times but true to form, he took it like a man, buckled down, paid his own tuition and “Great Balls of Fire,” made the Dean’s list. He had what it took to get the job done when it counted.

After a few educational hiccups with the boys, they both graduated in 1995, seven years for Chris and five for Mike. Katy (now called Kate by request) had entered high school in 1991 and graduated in 1995, as the boys were finishing college. They had both been away from home since they began college and did not return after graduation. Despite the struggles, they succeeded both academically and socially, more socially than academically. The good news is that, due to the extremely high cost of their private high school, the costs of everything for their college education was a reduction in my financial outlay. Not to be replicated by Kate.

After eighth grade at Columbus School for Girls, Kate decided to enroll at Columbus Academy, which, for the first time, admitted girls in high school. So she was indeed a pioneer. The boys there had never gone to school with girls and had no idea how to interact with them. This resulted in unbelievably bizarre conduct by the boys. To add insult to injury, the teachers were even worse, treating the girls like zombies, aliens, or some other creatures that they were experiencing for the first time. There was truly discrimination present during the entire four years that Kate was there. Athletic facilities for middle school boys were superior to those of varsity high school female athletes. This resulted in facilities that were not only inferior, but actually were unsafe, resulting in injuries to some of the girls during athletic contests.

All three kids experienced athletic success. The football team won the State championship when Chris was a senior and Mike a sophomore. And Kate, almost by accident, ended up on the cross-country team, winning almost every meet in which she competed and finishing 37th out of several hundred runners in the state meet. Also, in Kate’s case, due to her excellence in cross-country, she was recruited by the coach at Vassar, one of the premier educational facilities in America, where she had a wonderful career, establishing life long friends with teammates and coaches, as well as her eventual husband. There were no scholarships available so the cost of one year at Vassar was equal to all four years of education for the boys combined!!

So in late summer of 1995, I rented a van, loaded it up, and headed off to Poughkeepsie with Kate in tow. (Chris went to college with just a suitcase, Mike with a small trunk and Kate with a cargo van). The seven-year progression of education and progeny is quite remarkable. It is similar to when I went to college, compared to my brother and sister, both of whom received royal treatment, while I did not even have a dorm room to sleep in when my parents dropped me off at college.

Kate and I arrived the night before she was to report to school, stayed in a motel and arrived bright and early at her dorm, one of the very first students on campus to arrive. The schedule was to get her settled in and, at 3pm, the parents were to meet with the President of the College for a briefing as to what their little darlings would be going through over the weekend (this was a Friday). When the President told us what a powerful freshman class this was, incredibly high SAT scores, published authors, musicians who had performed at Carnegie Hall, my heart sank as I wondered how my little girl was possibly going to match up with such accomplished classmates. Of course, she performed incredibly as she scored among the highest in her class, was captain of her cross country team, developed personal friendships with some of her professors, lifelong friendships, not to mention her husband, etc.

When it was time for me to leave for the meeting with the college President, Kate walked me to the top of the stairway to say a final goodbye before she started her college career. As we hugged each other, she said: “Dad, this is the only thing that you have not prepared me for, saying good-bye to you.”

After leaving Vassar, I drove to Philadelphia for the weekend to visit my sister on the way home. So I did not arrive home until Monday afternoon after the drive from Philly. I parked my car in the garage and walked in through the front door. There, thrown over the back of the sofa, was her sweater. It was a signal, a message, that my life would never be the same. The final calling of parenthood was over; that door had closed. While I knew her leaving was coming and had anticipated it, the graphic nature of the sweater, not actually Kate herself but a remnant of her, made the clear point that she was indeed gone!

About one month later, I secretly went to Vassar for her first cross country meet and surprised her in the cafeteria at 7am on Saturday morning as she came in to eat breakfast. She had called my home the night before while I was on my way to Vassar and left a curt message that she was not happy with me for not being available to give her a little pep talk before her first college meet. Both of us got quite a laugh over that one. This would be the first of many visits to Vassar for meets, parents’ weekends and other events. In fact, I got to know the cashier in the cafeteria on a first name basis due to my many visits there.

Midway through the fall semester, they had a one-week break and Kate came home. When she was ready to return, we hugged each other, both crying, as she said that she did not want to go back but she knew she had to. I responded that she is crying now because she has to go back but in two years she will be crying because she would not want to leave her friends to come home. Sure enough, at the end of her sophomore year, she cried all the way home.

All of the above occurred many years ago. The kids are now moving toward middle age and are living life to the fullest. I am left with wonderful memories, great treasures that fill my life with joy. The sweater story is one that stands out as it represents such a critical transition in my life.